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This blog is about me . It was orignally about my struggles with weight loss , but it has become much more . It 's about my battle with cancer , the end of a 25 - year marriage , a new love and yes , it 's still about trying to lose weight and get healthy . It 's really a journey of my life . I 'm just getting ready to leave work ( 10 : 23pm - - longest day ever ! ) . My work life really sucks lately . I spent three days of my four - day weekend working . To say I 'm sick and tired of work is an understatement . I had a three - week vacation scheduled starting December 10 , but that 's been delayed until December 15 . I guess at least I have a job ( somehow , that doesn 't really help make me feel better right now ) . Today was suppose to be our Rope Challenge Course team building event in Mt . Vernon . We got rained out . What a surprise , rain in the Pacific Northwest in late November . Instead we did a tour of the Everett Boeing factory . It was interesting for about ten minutes then I wanted to go back to the bus and sleep . Big airplane pieces being assembled . Big yawn . The only factoid I remember is that it 's the biggest building in the world , and they build 747 's . I work for an airline so I guess this tour should have thrilled me . It didn 't . They didn 't even allow cameras or cell phones so no pictures . Afterwards I had to come back to the office at 3pm and work until now so I could get my work done . Something terribly wrong with this picture ( remember , it was suppose to be a " fun " team building event ) . My eating was okay today . We went out to lunch after the tour at Mongolian Grill . I had a ton of vegetables and maybe 3 ounces of chicken , with just a touch of sesame seed oil . It 's the teriyaki sauce they poured over it after it was cooked that probably had a million calories . It tasted good but I was hungry by 4pm and I didn 't bring any food with me today . About two hours ago I snuck into the candy dish at a coworkers desk . First time ever . I had ten M & Ms and ten M & M coconut candies . Mainly because I 'm at work and that 's the only food available . I ate a Weight Watchers instant oatmeal first ( been in my desk forever ) . It was really icky . Just for the record , I didn 't really enjoy the candy either . 34 calories for the M & Ms and no idea for the coconut ones ( and they really weren 't good ) . I 'd rather have had a big Honeycrisp apple . I 'm back on the Stairmaster for my cardio at the gym . It 's killing me . I 'm amazed how a twenty - five pound gain is making my workouts so much more difficult . When I was 155 I could do 140 flights of stairs in 30 minutes . It was hard but doable . I was doing it almost every day . Now at 180 pounds I 'm really struggling to get 120 flights done in 30 minutes . Every morning I think I 'm not going to make it to the 30 minutes . 25 pounds is a LOT of extra weight . Not much else to write about . Just that I 'm very tired and have to drive home now in the cold and the rain . Sucks to be me today . Oh my gosh ! Before I walked out the door I wanted to quickly glance at the new Weight Watcher PointsPlus Plan on their website . Today is the first day of the new plan but my meeting is on Saturday . They 've really changed things around . They upped my PointsPlus to 29 ( it was 22 ) , but then they say food has more PointsPlus in it . Instead of calculating Calories / Fat / Fiber in foods , now they use Fat / Carbs / Protein / Fiber to get the PointsPlus . I want to be positive about this but I can 't help but feel like it 's a marketing ploy . I hope I 'm wrong . Supposedly , according to my lovely brainwashed Weight Watcher leader ( can 't help but thinking of " take me to your leader " every time I call her my " leader " ) . . . . there 's a lot of scientific research behind these changes . I wonder if it 's really that much better than the old plan . Yesterday was a pretty good food day . It was the first time in weeks that I didn 't have a crazy late night binge . My binges these days aren 't anything like they were three years ago when I weighed 240 pounds . I use to eat bags of candy , chips , cookies or whole cakes or pies , all in one sitting . I gave the word gluttony new meaning . These days a binge is an extra chicken breast or a bag of light popcorn or a couple Weight Watcher ice cream bars . Or maybe all of that plus some , but all healthy foods ( except the WW ice cream bars that are really junk food in disguise ) . I still consider these binges , just a more healthy version of a binge . Last night I ate two WW ice cream bars and a piece of turkey breast ( probably six ounces ) . It put me over my 22 Points ( my 180 weight gives me an extra Point ) . Still , this is considerably less than I 've been eating late at night these past weeks , hence the 6 - pound gain in three weeks . Even with an hour of cardio yesterday that was too much food . In order to lose weight I have to maintain my exercise of a minimum of an hour a day AND cut back on the calories . One good thing is I 've made peace with Dave 's Killer bread , the thing that 's been my downfall for a few weeks . I LOVE this bread . It 's organic , tasty and full of healthy ingredients . It has 20 more calories than one of those sandwich thin things ( 130 calories , 3 grams fat , 4 grams fiber ) . It 's two Points versus one Point but it 's so much tastier and healthier than fake bread . I allow myself one slice a day , with my breakfast . It 's really removed that " it 's forbidden , I must eat it all " attitude I had about it . After dinner tonight I 'm going to try to totally resist eating anything . Just to see if I can do it . Tomorrow is going to be hell day at work so I have to go to bed early anyway . I deal with " hell days " better when I 'm well rested . So I 'll be in bed by 9pm , up at 5am for the gym , and physically at the gym by 5 : 30am . That 's my normal gym time but I 'm often not asleep until midnight . Not much planned today except a few work things I have to get finished for tomorrow . I 've been working on them for the last two days , and I 'm almost finished with my project . Tomorrow is the start of alpha testing which is always extremely stressful for me . The work I did is for another team so it 's a bit unusual for me . The people doing the testing are very experienced and are perfectionists , which is a good thing , but again , it stresses me out big time . Other than that , I 'm going to the gym at noon , home to shower and then hit a movie this afternoon . I really wanted to see Unstoppable , the train movie . I love trains . I know , I work for an airline , but really love trains . They 've always fascinated me more than airplanes . My husband wants to see the Harry Potter movie . Since I almost always get to pick the movie ( and usually a chick flick and he 's good with those ) , I think I 'll let him have this one . I 'm not a huge Harry Potter fan , but the movies are usually okay ( although the last one was horrid ) . By the way , it 's 364 days until I absolutely will be at goal . I know this is a lifetime thing , I 'll always have food issues and will be fighting them to my dying day . That 's pretty much a given , but it 's 364 days to goal weight . That thought helps me focused . After my pathetic post earlier today about considering myself an epic failure in the weight loss arena , I almost blew off my Weight Watcher meeting . I was feeling like why should I even bother , I can 't do this anymore . I 'm sick and tired of trying and failing over and over . I couldn 't help thinking it doesn 't do any good to go to the meetings anyway . I go , I listen , then I chose to ignore the advice . Thankfully I ignored my stupid girl voice and went to my meeting . What was really cool about the meeting was our leader 's excitement about the new program . She told us she wanted us to consider today the last day of our Weight Watcher year . This year was past and a new year was starting this week with the new ProPoints program and all new materials . She even played Auld Lang Syne at the end of the meeting and told us we had to hug each other ( yes , the meetings are often a little touchy - feely , but they 're fun ) . After the meeting I sat in my car and looked at my weighin results . I knew it was bad and it was exactly as I had anticipated . I weighed in with a 6 . 2 pound gain at 180 . 8 . No surprise . I gained it in three weeks . My last weighin was 11 / 6 at 174 . 6 . I looked back in my Weight Watcher weighin book and on January 9 , 2010 , I weight 180 . 4 . Interesting . Basically , I stayed the same this year . That 's a first for me . I 've lost significant amounts of weight in the past but never kept it off for more than a few months . Instead of feeling defeated about the weight gain and not making any real progress in a year , I feel energized . I 've decided this is going to be my year . This is the year I 'm going to make goal . After almost three years of Weight Watcher meetings , I tired of just sitting in meeting after meeting watching other people make goal . I want to make goal . My year starts today , right this very minute . Not on January 1 , but today , November 27 , 2010 . One year from today I will be at goal . I 'm definitely feeling more positive . I tired to change my Weight Watcher payment information last night . This morning their website said I wasn 't a member any longer . After being on the phone with them for twenty minutes I 'm reinstated , but as a new member . Well , sort of a new member . I had to re - enter all my personal information and set up a new password , just like I was a new member . Luckily it still had my old weight chart information back to February 2008 when I joined the first time , but it had my current weight as 185 . Funny how that 185 number popped in there for today . I didn 't enter it , maybe the guy on the phone did it ( he didn 't ask me my weight , maybe he just figured I 'd gained 10 pounds since my last weighin ) . I haven 't weighed 185 since June 2008 . In a way , I 'm a little embarrassed that I 've been in Weight Watchers for almost three years , and I 'm still not at my goal weight of 135 . Seriously , three years is a long time to spend trying to do something that should have only taken about one year . There 's really no way to look at it except as a big failure . Sure , I can say I 've kept off 60 pounds for over two years , but since the goal was to lose 100 pounds and keep it off , I 'd give myself a C - for reaching my goal . Actually , in my work world not making a deadline is considered an epic failure . And for me , that 's really not acceptable . Maybe being new isn 't such a bad thing . I 'm going to weighin today and whatever that weight is will be my new starting weight . Since I 've been drinking coffee all morning and chugging the water , I 'll probably be up pretty high . That 's okay though , I 'm not really beating myself up . Just trying to be realistic here , accept my failure and move on . The new program will be announced this coming week in the US . I read a little bit about it online at Facebook and other articles . I liked some of the things I read , and some others I wasn 't too happy to read ( I hope the " cheat " day of fast food is just a rumor ) . • Instead of basing a food 's Points on calories , fat and fiber , there will be more of an emphasis on the quality of the food . Brown rice will have fewer Points than white rice . A 100 - calorie pack of cookies will have more Points than 100 calories of chicken breast , and so on . • The minimum amount of Points assigned to people will be 29 Points , but they 'll also be given a weekly allowance of 49 Points as " Real Living " Points to be used on snacky , boozy , party - type foods . Plus , this article on the UK Weight Watchers 2011 plan gives even more information . I suspect the US plan is the same . This is just a sneak peek from some of the things I found online . We 'll find out the real deal this week . Just for fun , I also checked out the Weight Watcher UK message board on the ProPoints Plan . Since UKjust got it about two weeks ago , there 's a lot of messages flying around on their boards about it . Sounds like everyone loves it because you get so many more Points with the new plan . By the way , you don 't have to be a WW member to read the message boards . They 're open to everyone . Well , I have to get showered and ready for Weight Watchers . I 'll post my weigh in later today . I 'm sure it 's going to be scary . For all my talk of losing weight , I know I 'm up from my last weighin . I 'd say no worries , but if I 'm truthful here , I 'm mad as hell at myself for screwing up when I was so close to goal . Oh well , I 'm " new " , what can I say ? If posting once a day is good for me , posting twice must be really good for me . I went to the gym this afternoon and had all sorts of weird technical problems . First , I forgot my iPod , which I 've only done twice in three years . I almost turned around and went home , instead I suffered through my workout . Without music it was pretty miserable . The gym music is horrible . I like really fast - paced , high volume music . The gym music was turned down really low and it sounded like elevator music . Really bad . Then my Polar heart monitor went all wonky on me , telling me pulse was 58 when I thought I was dying and my heart was going to explode . Then it was 154 when I was barely moving . It does this every few months and then it 'll be fine the next day . Annoying . After 30 grueling minutes on the treadmill I thought I 'd do another 20 minutes cardio on an elliptical . Unfortunately I picked an elliptical that had problems . It would only allow a maximum of a 10 - minute workout . I could have used another elliptical ( there are about 40 of them , all available ) , but I decided 10 minutes sounded fine . Then my strength workout wasn 't good . I felt weak and tired . I only did four upper body exercises , three sets each . Not really worthy of being called a workout . I 'm not sure why I had such a bad workout today , other than my weight gain . It seems like when I gain weight working out is extra hard . My body feels heavier and more difficult to move . I feel lethargic . I need to remember this the next time I think about eating something not on plan . Speaking of plan , only three and half hours left in this day and I 've been 100 % perfect in my eating . I kept track of my water too , four 26 - oz bottles of water , 2 12 - oz mugs coffee , 2 12 - oz mugs herbal tea for a grand total of 152 ounces of non - food liquids . It really does help with the hunger and helps me stay away from the bad stuff . If I can just get this one day under my belt , the next one will be easier . That 's just how it works , good days help create good days . I need a string of them together to lose this weight . I think I will be okay . : ) I stepped on the scale this morning expecting the worse . I haven 't weighed since Sunday when I was 175 . 6 . Today , I was 181 . 6 . Six pounds in five days . Who does that ? Well , me , that 's who . I 've easily gained ten pounds in a week without even trying . I 'm some sort of freak of nature and if I was on a deserted island I 'm pretty sure I 'd survive longer than anyone because of my body 's unique way of holding on to calories . 180 is my freakout weight . Someone once asked me if there 's a weight that scares me into sanity . 180 is that weight . The reason is because at 180 my size 12 clothes are tight . At 185 my face changes . I 've seen it happen . I normally have a long , slim face , but at 185 it starts to noticeably change . Of course it changes before that , gradually , where I hardly notice it , but at 185 it 's like wow , who is that woman in the mirror . A word about Marie Callendar 's pies . First , I made two pumpkin pies , one using a Weight Watcher recipe for 3 Points for 1 / 8 of the pie , and one with Stevia from an internet recipe . They were both disgusting . My husband went to the store on Thanksgiving Day and purchased two Marie Callender pies . One was Key Lime , one pumpkin . I can pass on pumpkin but I can 't pass on Key Lime . 1 / 10 of that tiny pie was 320 calories , 16 grams fat and 45 grams carbohydrates ( not to mention 35 grams of sugar ) . I ate three slices ( 1 / 10 each ) . That stuff is POISON . Before that I ate the traditional dinner with the best ever organic turkey from Trader Joes . That turkey was worth every cent . I 've never eaten such a tasty bird . I could tell you more of what happened in detail , but it 's pretty obvious . It wasn 't just yesterday , but it was all week . I ate too much and didn 't exercise enough . I worked from home two days in a row when I was feeling weak when it came to food . Even though I attempted to make Thanksgiving as healthy as possible it wasn 't just Thanksgiving Day that was my downfall , it was the entire week . It was my " it 's the holidays ! " attitude that got me in trouble . Now for the plan of action . Today I 'm 100 % back on plan . Counting Points because that 's what I do best , drinking water by the gallons and a good solid gym workout for an hour and a half . Just knowing that I have my plan back in place makes me feel better . Part of my plan is to get back to posting on a more consistent basis and reading blogs and commenting . Even though I 've been reading , I haven 't commented much . Mainly because I felt like a hypocrite . When I 'm not doing well on my plan I drop the posting and commenting as well . Who wants to read about me eating Key Lime pie ? How can I give any advice when I 'm a dismal failure ? Well , I need to change and get back to myself . I was out the door this morning at 5 : 30am headed for the gym ( it was 20 degrees ) . I got to the end of our street , turned around and came home . Even though I grew up in Alaska and know how to drive in snow and ice , I don 't have studded snow tires or 4 - wheel drive . I decided only a fool would risk their life just to go work out . I worked from home today because the roads were horrible so I went to the gym on my lunch . Not my best workout because I was rushed , but at least I went in spite of the roads . I increased all my weights by an extra five pounds . Even my concentrated bicep curls , I used a 25 - pound dumbbell on the last set of 8 . It wasn 't as painful as I expected but I 'm a little sore . I 'm trying to amp up my strength training a little . I 've been doing the same size of weights for too long , it 's time to bump them up a little . Not much else going on except that . I 'm completely stressed out over a work project that is suppose to be code complete by tomorrow . It 's not done . Almost , but not quite . Theoretically I still have the four - day holiday but it makes me sick to think about working over the holiday . This afternoon when I was dealing with a particularly complicated problem I could actually feel my blood pressure going up . I have a blood pressure cuff and it was at 154 / 72 . Yikes ! Normally I 'm 120 / 60 , so this isn 't good . My eating isn 't perfect , I tend to eat too much when I get stressed . I know , crazy isn 't it ? I haven 't gone totally nuts on the food , just a couple slices of my favorite bread ( remember , there were two loaves ) , and maybe too many grapes , and a handful of marshmallows . I don 't even like marshmallows and they 're only in the house because of Thanksgiving . Every day I think of something I want to post about , then every day I 'm too exhausted to post . Today I 'll give you the highlights of my week , and hopefully get back to regular scheduled programming tomorrow . The weighin My weighin wasn 't great - 175 . 6 . Up 0 . 6 pounds . This seems to be my destiny , and I don 't like it one little bit . I 'm super perfect on plan for two days and then totally blow it the next day . Wash , rinse and repeat . Thursday it was a loaf of my most favorite bread . It 's store bought , but perfect bread . Dave 's Killer Seed Bread from Portland , OR . I love this stuff . It 's very healthy , all organic and full of good stuff . . . but it 's high in calories when you eat several slices with light Smart Balance and a drizzle of honey . I didn 't eat the entire loaf , but I made a good dent in it . I don 't buy it because I know I 'm weak when it comes to bread . My husband ( darn him anyway ) brought it home from Costco . Same with the best tortilla chips I 've ever tasted ( the kind they serve in Mexican restaurants ) , another bad day . He 's now on restriction , he has to buy from a list . If it 's not on the list , he can 't buy it . New rule ( that he probably won 't follow , but a girl can try ) . To add insult to my gain is that I worked out like a maniac last week . I 've started a new routine where I do ten minutes of warmup on the Stairmaster , then my weights for an hour and finish with an intense 20 minutes on the StairMaster . Since I detest cardio , this really works for me . It seems like that 10 minute hard warmup gets my heart rate up and then during weight lifting it stays up high . I also seem stronger when it comes to lifting by keeping my cardio at the end , like all the books recommend and I 've been ignoring for years . My workouts are now a full hour and 35 minutes . Of course some of that is wiping down the StairMaster twice and walking to different areas of the gym . I figure a good hour and 20 minutes is solid exercise time . On the days I didn 't eat bread or tortilla chips I actually tracked all my calories , four out of seven days . Not bad but the bread and tortilla chip days put me way over my calories . Yard Work - Me ! I did yard work last weekend . Yes , me with a rake in hand . Probably the first time in ten years I 've actually worked in the yard ( maybe 20 years ) . We have the world 's largest Maple tree in our backyard . It 's actually eight trees that grew up out of one spot . Imagine the leaves from eight gigantic maple trees . You couldn 't even see the lawn beneath the leaves . I raked for three hours . My husband and I switched chores last weekend . He went to Costco and grocery shopping ( hence the two loaves of bread and two giant bags of tortilla chips ) . I chose the yard work because I wanted to be outside . The coolest thing was when I discovered the ivy had climbed about 20 feet up the trees . Now that 's not the cool part , ivy on trees is very bad since it kills them . What was cool was me climbing up the trees and pulling off the ivy . I 'm a lot stronger than I thought ( thank you 20 and 25 - pound dumbbells ) . When my husband saw all the ivy off the trees he asked me how on earth I got up there , he asked me if I had pulled over the ladder . I told him no , this 55 - year old woman climbed up in the trees and held on to branches as I reached out and plucked ivy off the tree with the other hand . Some of the ivy stems were at least an inch thick and I had to use a screwdriver to force the ivy suckers off the tree . That 's the first time outside of the gym that I thought wow , I 'm pretty strong . Being strong really comes in handy in real life . . . like climbing trees and pulling off ivy . Team event Speaking of being strong , I have a team event ( for work ) on Nov . 30 . At first I was super excited about it since it was my first pick of six choices . My coworkers ( there are ten of us ) are going up to Mt . Vernon for the day and doing the Eagle Rock Challenge Course . It 's one of those corporate things to help build team trust and relationships . It has things like walking on ropes high up in the air , a trapeze thing , and other similar activities . After I looked at some videos online I 'm not so sure this is a good idea . I have a bit of a fear of high places . Not terrible , it 's just not something I prefer to do . I guess I should have looked at the website and the videos prior to voting on my choice . I just hope I 'm strong enough to do this . I work with mostly younger and very fit people . Most are late 20 's or 30 's and I 'm by far the oldest and fattest person on my team . We have to sign waivers that we won 't hold the City of Mt . Vernon responsible for any injuries , and wear hard hats . It 's not like I can say no , I don 't want to go , then I 'm not a team player and it 's all about being a team player where I work . If you don 't want to be on a team , well , there 's the door . . . good luck in your job search . This isn 't me in the video below , but I 'll probably have a similar video after the 30th of our adventure ( if I live to talk about it ) . Wish me luck ! This is also part of why I 'm upping my weight lifting time at the gym . I don 't want to be the weak , 55 - year old fatty that can 't do this . I must mention my new hobby . Finances ! Another thing I haven 't done in 20 + years of marriage , looked at our finances . We both work , have decent jobs with decent salaries , no kids , yet there never seems to be enough money . I purchased Quicken 2011 a week ago and have spent hours looking through everything and entering information , downloading all our bank stuff online ( way cool ) . Yikes ! I had no idea I was spending so much money on groceries . It 's embarrassing . I can 't even write it out here because we ( I ) have been spending more on food than most people probably spend on a family of six or more . I didn 't know the price of anything because I don 't look at prices when I shop . I know , I 'm an idiot when it comes to money . But that 's all changing . We have a budget ! Now that I 'm tracking everything in Quicken I 'm much more aware of what I 'm spending . Plus all the crap I buy that I don 't need . I found myself at the pharmacy yesterday picking up my asthma medicine strolling through their attached gift shop . I always buy some piece of junk when I go in there because " they have the cutest stuff " . Emphasis on " stuff " . I don 't need any more stuff , I have plenty thank you very much . : ) Stop eating bread and chips ! I never eat these things , and I just went a little nuts with them in the house . It 's like a crack addict knowing there 's a bunch of crack sitting in their kitchen . Seriously , that 's just foolish . If it 's not in the house I won 't eat it . Yes , I know I live with another person . I know he should be allowed to have what he wants to eat , but . . . well , I guess there are no buts here . I should be able to resist . It 's just really hard for me . He won 't be doing it again if I can help it . He 's always very supportive and he thinks I have things under control with food . I keep telling him I 'm like an addict , but I really don 't think he gets it . He never eats out of boredom or loneliness , he eats when he 's hungry . What a concept . I have real plans to track my food every single day . Even on Thanksgiving day . Stay within my 1400 calorie limit . Even on Thanksgiving Day . Tracking really helps . Continue with the exercise and water . Both were great this week . I know it 's Thanksgiving week , but we 're staying home and that helps . I 'm in control of what 's being cooked and I can cook a good , tasty , yet very healthy meal . Hopefully I won 't go crazy on the healthy food . . . which I 've been known to do . Have a good week , and I shall be back tomorrow ! This morning I decided today is really a new beginning , square one , of me on a diet . Yes folks , it 's a diet . You may call it a lifestyle change , but to me it is and always will be a diet when I try to lose weight . Lifestyle change sounds pretty and easy and sort of fun . . . lifestyle , nice word . Diet , on the other hand , has all sorts of negative connotations . Hunger , discomfort , frustration , anxiety , misery , a challenge . I suppose that sounds a bit negative , but I 'm just calling it like it is . If it was so darn easy as some people would like us to think then we would all be skinny . I worked out like a maniac this morning , 30 minutes on the StairMaster and 40 minutes of upper body weights . I pushed myself hard on the weights but I 'm not sore yet . I was hoping for some triceps soreness with the 25 - pound dumbell tricep presses . Maybe tomorrow . I define a good workout with a touch of soreness now and then , especially when I push myself like today . My food had been good , with every bite weighed , measured , documented . 1 , 485 calories . It sounds like a lot to me , but it 's almost exactly what I was eating following Weight Watchers Point system ( I 'm still in Weight Watchers , just trying the calorie counting for a while ) . The water has been extra good today . 117 ounces and one mug of coffee . I forgot how much all the water helps with the hunger . About the hunger , yes , I 've been hungry today . It 's part of the diet , it 's what happens when you cut back on your calories . My sister and I have said for years that hunger is a good thing . It means you 're burning fat and losing weight . Funny thing is that I 've seen other bloggers posting about hunger recently . Allan had a good post about it today . I 've noticed some people never talk about hunger . From reading their blogs it appears they never actually get hungry . They 're few and far between but I 've decided maybe they just feel things differently than the rest of us . They 're very lucky because hunger isn 't fun , but for some of us fatties , it 's just a fact of life if we want to lose weight we 're going to have to experience a certain level of hunger . It 's almost 11pm and I would call this one of my best days of staying on plan in weeks . I 'm very tired , ready to hit the pillow . I 'm typing this from my 1998 Dell desktop computer , Windows 2000 . My beautiful , less than a year old Toshiba laptop hasn 't been playing nice with my 23 " monitor . I even bought a new monitor and new $ 40 HDMI cable for it , both big monitors are still red flashing lines at me . The laptop monitor is fine . I finally caved and asked my husband , the computer geek guy , to look at it . Something about the HDMI port on the laptop . Needs to be repaired . I have to take it in to the computer guys to be fixed . Bummer . Since I can 't live without a computer with a big monitor ( for work stuff ) , I thought I 'd turn on my old faithful 12 - year old Dell . I hadn 't really used it since my first laptop in 2004 . Amazingly it booted up , connected to the internet and works with the new monitor . The grinding sound the hard drive keeps making is annoying me , but it works . Gotta love old technology . I was looking at all the old files that I never bothered to transfer over to my laptops . Apparently I was much more career - driven in 2004 . There are tons of work files , work goal setting documents and very few pictures . I found two pictures of myself sitting on the desktop . 2004 - 240 pounds So where am I tod y ? Sitting right where I 've been for mont s . 175 poun s . Sixty - five pounds less than the top picture but 20 pounds heavier than the bottom picture ( and I still thought I was fat at 15 ) . The reason I haven 't been posting is because I 've been in a slump late y . Just sick and tired of the whole thing , yet each day I start out full of hope that this will be the day I stay totally on plan , drink my water , and lose weig t . Yet each day I fa l . Not horribly because I 'm not gaining weight , but still , I 'm failing because I 'm not losing weig t . These pictures stirred something up in e . A little bit of sadness that I didn 't stick with it and get to go l . A bit of hope that heck , I did it before and got so close that I can do it aga n . A little bit of fear , looking back where I started and what IF I go back the I 've printed both pictures and stuck them on the bathroom mirror . A visual reminder of where I 've been , and where I want to go , but this time go even a step further and get to goal . In other words , I 'm back ! Since I 've been sleeping a lot more lately I 've started dreaming again . Unfortunately , most of my dreams haven 't been pleasant . The one I had Friday night has stayed with me through the weekend . I can 't seem to let it go . This one was different . This one is was disturbingly a reflection of my life . I was inside of a building , standing on a very narrow ledge along a wall . The ledge was so narrow that only the balls of my feet were on the ledge and I was standing on my tiptoes . I was very high up , and there was a cement floor below me . I knew if I fell I would die . I was facing the wall with my hands and body pressed flat against the wall . I slowly inched along the narrow ledge sideways . I kept feeling like I was going to fall . When I looked down it was a long way to the floor . I was very frightened . I didn 't know how I was going to get down . Finally , I called for my husband to quickly bring me a ladder . He came with a ladder but he held if about five feet from me . I tried to reach for the ladder but I couldn 't reach it . Then I lost my balance . I fell . I didn 't die ( obviously ) , but in my dream when I fell I grabbed onto the very narrow ledge with my fingers . Then as I was hanging from the ledge with my fingers , and my legs were dangling , I realized my feet were almost touching the floor . I could let go and I wouldn 't die . I was going to be okay . This could be a reflection of so many things in my life . My job , my marriage , my weight loss efforts . The failure at any or all of these things will not kill me . It might scare me , but I won 't die . Or the dream could have been about the guy at work that was wearing moccasins last week . He told me they were like slippers . I asked him if they had arch support and he said no . I told him that would kill my feet because I have extremely high arches and had to have arch support in my shoes . He told me I needed to practice standing on a Bosu ball with one foot , barefooted . Just stand there grabbing the ball with my foot . That it would build up my arches . I told him I always fall off of those stupid Bosu balls . Yes , I bet that 's what the dream was really all about . : ) After looking at my stats from last year that I posted yesterday , I started pondering why I just gave up and gained 21 pounds . I was near goal , at least the Weight Watcher goal of 155 . At 158 pounds I was so close to goal that I could almost feel it . I remember being happy and proud of myself . So what happened ? Why did I just give up ? Don 't I want to reach goal ? It appears that I don 't really care anymore , that I gave up giving it my all and I 'm just floating along , staying in the 170 's , not really giving my weight loss much attention . A few weeks ago a friend that I walk with on occasion asked me , " Isn 't your life a lot better since you lost so much weight ? " My immediate response was " No ! It 's not . " Then I told her some things were better , I can breathe easier and my knees don 't hurt . I don 't get tired as quickly . I have a little more self - confidence . However , overall , I still have the same problems I had at 240 pounds , and I still had those same problems when I was down to 152 last year . My job is still a job that I don 't exactly look forward to each day , but it is a job . My marital problems are still here . My husband still gets grouchy when he 's tired and he 's tired a lot . I 'm still afraid of the same things , becoming one of the morbidly obese and being homeless . I still don 't think I 'm smart or pretty . In a nutshell , I 'm still the same person just in a healthier body . My friend was shocked that my weight loss didn 't solve all my problems . I was only telling her the truth , even though she 's trying to lose a hundred pounds and this was disheartening to hear . Maybe because I know it won 't solve all my problems I 've made reaching goal not as important to me as it was last year . I still want to reach goal , but for different reasons now . Now that I know it won 't fix everything I need to look at in an entirely different light . I want to lose weight so I can comfortably wear all the size 10 clothes in my closet . I 'm back in a size 12 . I want to lose weight so I can remain healthy and continue to be active in my old aThe bottom line is that reaching goal doesn 't make it ALL better . It makes some things better , but a lot of things stay the same or only get slightly better . That 's okay , small positive changes in life are still good . I just have to expect less , accept that this isn 't really a life - altering event to weight 155 versus 175 or 135 versus 175 . My life will still be pretty much the same , just a thinner , healthier version of me . So it doesn 't make it all better , but it 's a little better and sometimes , a lot better . That 's still a good thing . An afterthought : After I posted this I realized some people might think that what I 'm saying is that losing weight isn 't worth it . That since it doesn 't fix everything then why bother ? That 's not what I meant . It fixes a lot of things , but basically you 'll still come out on the other side the same person with a lot of the same problems . Some things will be better , some will go away , and you might even have an entirely new set of problems . It 's still a very good thing to lose weight . The other thing you might think is that I 'm seeking compliments when I say I 'm not smart or pretty . I know what I am . I 'm average intelligence , average looks . It 's okay , I 've accepted it . Somehow I thought losing weight would make me better in all areas of my life . Obviously , I was wrong on that account , but again , I 've accepted it . In spite of the Halloween candy incident last weekend and the brownies I made one night this week I still had a good weighin today . About the brownies , well , I had an argument with my husband , he went to bed mad at me . I felt sad so I made brownies , but . . . I only ate two and put the rest down the garbage disposal . The funny / sad thing is that I don 't even really like brownies . Obviously , I still have a long way to go to overcome my emotional eating . In four months I gained 21 . 6 pounds . I was traveling a lot during that time , but it 's been a year . I still haven 't lost the weight I gained last fall . My goals for the remaining eight weeks of 2010 : I 've been up since 3 a . m . checking on my software release . Everything looks good . It went out to all locations ( 120 + ) at 2 : 33 a . m . I completed a couple very basic smoke tests on two machines in two cities and I think it 's going to be okay . Hallelujah ! It 's 4 : 30 a . m . now so I guess it 's off to the gym . Honestly , I 'm so tired I could easily go back to sleep but I need to leave work early today so I can work on my Toastmaster speech for tomorrow . Ugh ! The title is " The Fountain of Youth " and it 's about the importance of exercise to the slow down the aging process . I 'm going to make a room of 20 people listen to me praise the benefits of exercise for seven minutes . They 're a trapped audience and have to listen . Did I ever mention how much I hate public speaking ? I 'm getting better and Toastmasters is a huge help , but it 's not something I would normally volunteer to do for fun . It 's one of those things that if it doesn 't kill you it makes you stronger . Oddly , I 'm starving this morning . Normally I don 't eat before my workout but I feel like I 'm running on zero energy this morning and my stomach is actually growling at me . I didn 't have any snacks late last night other than a small Honeycrisp apple at 8pm , and I stayed within my 21 Points yesterday ( not easy ! ) . I 'm cutting back on eating my earned exercise Points , especially since my candy lapse on Sunday . I 'm also trying to cut back on junk , aka " diet " ice cream and frozen fruit bars . Since I have difficulty eating just one of anything that I think tastes good , I 've stopped buying them . Even though the frozen fruit bars are only 70 calories each , if I eat three in one sitting that 's 210 calories and a lot of sugar . So they 're not on the list anymore . On Dawn 's recommendation I bought a box of sugar - free fudgsicles . There 's not much chance I 'd eat more than one of those at a time , or two at the absolute max . They 're 40 calories each and not exactly what I would call delicious , but they 're better than nothing if you 're really dying for a junk food sort of treat . Last night I actually decided I 'd prefer an organic apple over the fudgesicles . An interesting concept . Something wholesome and healthy over something artificial ( although sometimes , I 'd pick the artificial treat ) . I really have to get to the gym now and stop stalling . Row machine for 20 , Stair Master for 20 and upper body weights for 40 . Fun times . Lately I 've been a little bit nuts in my postings . I 'm here , there and everywhere on how I 'm trying to lose weight . One week I 'm quitting Weight Watchers and Geneen Roth is my magic bullet . The next week I 'm back at Weight Watchers , then I 'm doing Geneen Roth 's plan and Weight Watchers , then I 'm binging . If you 're wondering what the hell I 'm doing , well , get in line because I 'm not sure myself anymore . The only thing I know is that I 'm not giving up . If it 's not working for me , I 'll try something else and I 'll keep trying different things until I get this figured out . Now a word about therapy for people that have food issues . Obviously , I have issues . Anyone that gains 100 pounds and doesn 't have a medical reason for the gain , most likely has some mental issues that contributed to the weight gain . I remember the very first time someone told me I needed to go to therapy for my issues with food . It was in 1992 , the person was my Jenny Craig " counselor " . After going from 192 to 135 pounds , and still wanting to lose another ten pounds , I lost control one week and ate six bananas in one sitting . I don 't know much about the program these days , but in 1992 you were only allowed one or two bananas a week , maximum . I had a few more encounters with food similar to the banana incident over a period of several weeks . When I told my very thin Jenny Craig counselor about my binges , she was appalled . I think she 'd lost 25 pounds on Jenny Craig before she was qualified to become a " counselor " . She told me there wasn 't anything she could do to help me , that I was wasting my money at Jenny Craig , and I needed to go into therapy . She was right , but at this point in my life , I 'm just not willing to spend the time and effort for therapy . Perhaps that 's a bad idea , but it 's where I am right now . The food and exercise Today was a very good food day . I forgot to take the leftover candy to work , but I put it in the trunk of my car tonight , and I feel safe . Crazy isn 't it ? That I feel " safe " from food . It 's not like it 's going to attack me . My workout was great today , I love that old slider rowing machine . I did my thirty minutes on the crossramp and then fifteen minutes rowing . I found some videos on how to use the rowing machine ( and if your back hurts , you 're doing it wrong ) . There are several great instructional videos available on YouTube . It turns out it 's a good upper body workout , as well as good for your core . It 's not really meant to get your heart rate up high ( although it does if you do it too fast ) , it 's more to strengthen your upper body . Who knew ? I was doing it super fast to burn calories , but after watching the videos I 'm going to slow it down a bit for more strengthening . Now the crazy lady is going to bed . Tomorrow at 2am is out big software release to production . I 'm not expecting good things . I hope I 'm wrong . Well , I had a big scale surprise . I weigh 174 . 2 , with my workout clothes on ( same clothing as when I weighed in at Weight Watchers on Saturday at 178 . 2 ) . That 's on my home Tanita scales that are always right on with the Weight Watcher scales . What the heck ! A four - pound loss in two days ? ? ? Maybe it was the good eating all weekend with the exception of the candy , or the gallons of water I drank ( thanks to Allan for the constant reminder of the importance of water ) , or perhaps the three - hour intense exercise at the gym over the weekend . I 'm not sure of the reason , but I 'm thrilled the candy didn 't totally derail me . Seeing a four - pound loss has actually inspired me to keep on track and keep going . A mid - week weighin isn 't always a bad thing . I have a confession . I 've been following Lyn , Escape from Obesity , for at least two years ( maybe longer ) . When she started on MediFast I weighed what I weigh now . I thought I must get to goal before Lyn to prove this can be done without using drastic measures such as reducing your calories to 800 - 900 a day on an expensive , pre - packaged food program . You can do this eating healthy , natural food and doing exercise . Well , Lyn kept losing weight , and I was up and down the same five pounds . . . for the last several months . I watched Lyn get closer and closer to my weight . Guess what ? Lyn and I now weigh exactly the same ( and we 're the same height but I think she looks a lot skinnier : ) . Now I 'm thrilled for Lyn . No one deserves this more than she does . She 's done a lot of work on her mental attitude , how she views food , how she views herself . Just because she 's doing MediFast doesn 't mean this was easy for her . I 've done several of the pre - package food programs ( with the exception of MF ) , and I know it 's still hard work . Lyn is one of my heroes , and I admire what she 's done . I don 't put any less significance on it because she used the MediFast program , just like I don 't put any less significance on someone that has had weight loss surgery . It 's still incredibly difficult to lose weight , regardless of the path you chose . On the other hand , I still feel like I have to prove something . That this can be done naturally , without spending a ton of money on a pre - packaged food program . So Lyn , if you 're reading this , the race is on ! I know you 're losing 2 - 3 pounds per week , and I 'm not sure I can keep up with that pace , but I 'm going to give it my best shot . First of all , I don 't think I can live with this polka dot look . It 's making me dizzy , especially on my big 25 inch monitor I use for work ( yes , I was just working on some work stuff and yes it 's 5am ) . It 's not bad on my laptop , but yikes , in big , giant living color , all these dots make me feel kind of sick . About the candy , even though we had about 40 kids last night , and I had them taking handfuls of candy because honestly , I wanted to run out of candy and turn off the lights and rip off that ridiculous wig . . . we still wound up with a bag of 150 pieces of candy . The good stuff . Right before I went to bed I grabbed a handful , a mixture of six bars , Twix , Almond Joys and Milk Ways , and I ate them . Oh well . A little lapse . The candy is going to work today , to the communal kitchen we all share on my floor . It will most likely be gone by noon . : ) I 'm just about ready to pull on my workout clothes and head out to the gym . I think I 'll do the StairMaster today and a good upper body workout , probably an hour and twenty minutes , which seems to be my normal to get in 30 minutes of cardio and 40 minutes of strength training . Happy Monday everyone ( and thank goodness Halloween is over ! ) . Now we have Thanksgiving to face . Tis the season of food holidays . Just stopping in with a quick update . I 'm down a few pounds from a couple months ago , 14 . 4 to be exact . I just updated my profile from 2 . . . I can 't believe I forgot to post anything yesterday . I thought about it , but then quickly forgot . It 's funny how blogging was a natu . . . My current weight : Start weight Jan . 1 , 2016 - - - 226 . 8 Okay , I got that out of the way . Enough said about that number . I haven 't eve . . .
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By lucysfootball In the past here , we 've talked about stupid saying and platitudes and such that make me want to stab things with knives . But when I was at work last night ( when you work the late shift and things get slow you have a LOT of time for ponderings ) I thought , huh , there are totally some of those old sayings that I not only believe , I totally follow as if they 're laws of the land . So I think that means that somewhere deep inside me there 's some sort of old - world housewife or something who throws salt over her shoulder and forks the sign of the evil eye at traveling salesmen . My mother and grandmother ( and I would assume their people before them , but I didn 't know many of them ) were very into old country sayings . I 've mentioned it before , but my favorite saying of my grandmother 's , ever , was " Love will go wherever it 's sent ! Even up a pig 's ass . " ( This was in reference to a family member who had fallen in love with a jerk . ) My grandmother is salty and cusses a lot and hates a lot of people and revels in gossip . She 's not the kind of grandmother you see on sitcoms who comforts you and makes you baked goods ( although , yes , she does make baked goods , and they are FANTASTIC . My grandmother 's cooking is a . , some of the best , and b . , guaranteed to put fifty pounds on you in about 4 days . Her baked beans are known all around the county . People she doesn 't even KNOW ask her to make her famous baked beans . And if you ask her for the recipe , she doesn 't HAVE one . She 's all , " I don 't know , I just throw things in the pan , you know . " ) She 's more the type who tells you lurid stories of the time your third cousin 's dick rotted off from the clap because he was having sex with all the whores ( if you say , " there were all the whores ? In the country ? Really ? " she changed the subject , so I don 't know that you can believe ALL of her stories ) , or long , rambling stories where she assumes you know who she 's talking about so she doesn 't use anyone 's names , just " the old guy " or something , and you 're all , " Um … I don 't … who is that ? " and finally half an hour later you find out it 's your cousin 's husband 's grandfather who you 've never met . I assume the pig 's ass saying is kind of a backdoor ( heh ) way to talk about bestiality . It made me laugh so hard I choked , and she just looked at me benignly , like , " what , that 's just a thing we say around here . " She is also the exact age ( to the day ! ) of Hugh Hefner . I like that both my one - of - a - kind grandmother and smoking - jacketed Hefner were born on the same day , and one started a nudie empire , and Twinsies with my gramma ! I don 't know that she 's the most proud of this fact . Anyway , as much as I think there are a lot of very , very stupid sayings ( I just found , in doing research for this post - WHAT ? I totally do research - a whole website of the WEIRDEST SAYINGS EVER , which I will share with you someday ) there are some that I totally believe in . Whether this is because I am from cow - country and it 's in my genes ( no , not my JEANS , never - you - mind what 's in my jeans , Ding Dong Joe ) or this is because I am superstitious or practical or what it is , who knows . WHO EVER KNOWS . Let 's see what country - fresh sayings I totally think are valid , out of the billions of weird ones that are out there that I just ( honestly ) don 't understand at all . Dad and I talked about this one just the other day . We are in complete agreement about our refusal to chicken - count . He was all , " oh , no . No , of course you don 't do that . Only idiots do that . " Let me explain . Let 's say you get potential good news . Um … let me make up some potential good news . Someone tells you that in a month , you might get an awesome opportunity to do something you 've always wanted to do . I 'm making this up , please don 't read into this and think I have some sort of opportunity I don 't . Let 's see . Let 's say you 've always wanted to skydive ( ugh , why ) and a friend tells you that a month from now , a friend of theirs with a plane and skydiving training will be in the area , maybe , so if they come , would you want to come along and skydive ? So you tell EVERYONE YOU KNOW . And you get SO EXCITED . And you start a countdown on Facebook all " 22 days til I 'm flying like a BIRDIE ! " And then a week before the supposed date , your friend sends you a message , " Oh , that fell through , sorry . " You feel like an asshole and you 're so let down and your friends keep asking about the opportunity and you have to tell them all it fell though . If you had just kept QUIET about it , you wouldn 't have to keep EXPLAINING it . Dad taught me that if you get good news , until you have that good news LOCKED DOWN , you don 't tell ANYONE about that good news . ( I break that rule a little - I have a handful of people that I can 't help but tell the good news to , whether it comes to fruition or not . NO , I 'm not going to tell you who those people are . THEY ARE MY PEOPLE . Enough said . ) My dad is the most secretive person in the world . He doesn 't tell anyone ANYTHING . I 'm ( well , obviously ) not that bad , but anything big - newsy ( the theater - review thing , my book , etc . ) I don 't want to chicken - count until it 's official - official . What if it got yanked away ? I 'd feel like a huge jerk , then everyone would be asking about it and I 'd have to explain it fell through . Better to not number those chickens until you KNOW they 're your chickens . ( The things we learn from our parents are funny , aren 't they ? I 've learned a lot of weird ways - and - means from Dad . I 'm an excellent secret - keeper . That 's Dad 's doing . I also refuse to give compliments to people who are fishing for them , I 'm extremely weird about money , and I have a strange affinity for John Wayne westerns . Thank you , Dad ! ) Also , for me , it 's a superstitious thing . I 'm weird about a few things . This is one of them . I think if I mention a potential good thing , the world will teach me a lesson by not giving it to me . I know . I KNOW . I 'm like a old Italian widow or something . SIDE NOTE : In researching this , I found that this is a very old saying from the 1800s . Impressive , no ? It 's from a poem about a milkmaid and her pail and she was VERY chicken - county and it brought her to ALL THE RUIN . Don 't be the chicken - counter . It 's bad news . Now , I 'm torn on this . Of course I think sometimes you need to take risks . Nothing is gained without risk . But here is a story . A while ago , I was working for a company that I enjoyed a great deal . ( This was a long time ago . I want to say … um … 7 years or so ago ? A long time before I was Lucy 's Football . ) And we got a new CEO . And he was - well , he was a goof . He wasn 't EVIL . He was just kind of a toolbag . He concentrated on the wrong things . Like , one day he was all , " Amy ! I need plants for my office . Go to Lowe 's ! " and he sent me to Lowe 's and I had to call him on my cell a billion times and describe the plants to him so he could have just the right plants for his office because we didn 't have cameraphones then . Well , I suppose SOMEONE had a cameraphone then , just not me . So he wasn 't EVIL , just SILLY . But a lot of the people at work really couldn 't stand him . And yes , he was a bit pesky , like a mosquito , but he wasn 't EVIL . You could distract him with shiny things , and he was never mean . And sometimes he even laughed . And my coworkers were all , " UGH ! We need to get rid of this guy . " And I was like " No . It 's like that old saying ; better the devil you know than the devil you don 't . If he leaves , who knows who we 'll get in his place ? " AND ! True to form , pesky CEO got fired ( I don 't remember why … I think he just wasn 't very popular ) and a new CEO came in . He was a DICK , you guys . All business ; very mean ; very yelly . And a couple months later , he brokered a deal to sell the company and we all lost our jobs and the company closed . This saying , however , can keep you stuck in a job ( I mean … we don 't know anyone who was in THAT situation for the past 6 . 5 years , do we ? let 's think ) for much longer than she should be because she is scared that there is nothing better out there for her and that her evil soul - sucking job ( the devil she knows ) is better than the unknown ( unemployment = the devil she doesn 't . ) I 'm still in limbo about this situation , so I 'll let you all know what the outcome of that is . I 'll judge the devils once I know which one of them is less devilly . This doesn 't always work . But a lot of times , it does . I try to keep it in mind as much as I can when going about my daily life . I can 't always - sometimes you are just in a REALLY REALLY BAD MOOD and you can 't help but be a little more of a bitch than you mean to be . ( I don 't always react well under pressure . I 'm a lot less " let the PRESSURE turn you into DIAMONDS " than I am " THIS PRESSURE IS MAKING ME LASH OUT LIKE A SEA - HARPY . " ) But for the most part , if you put out good , you get good back . No , seriously . Try it sometime . I 'm not innocent enough to think " good things happen to good people ALWAYS AND FOREVER " but my weird nebulous non - religious religious feelings have a strong do - unto - others vibe , and I can just tell you , from my day - to - day observations , that the more good vibes you put out , the more good vibes you get back . The more positive you are , the more positivity you get in return . You are also more prepared to deal with the negative if you have a head full of positive . This is not always easy , but it 's the truth . True things are not always easy , jellybeans . I don 't think this refers to free samples at the Costco , like of cheese or whatever . ( Although in order to get those , sometimes you have to listen to someone trying to sell you more cheese , and I hate that . JUST GIMME MA CHEESE . ) I think this is more , everything comes with a price . If you think someone 's helping you for free - well , they might be , no money might be attached , but other things might be . You need to be aware . ALSO , and this is tangentially attached - here is something I think needs to be addressed . NO ONE IS OWED ANYTHING IN THIS LIFE . You are owed what you earn . If you live in a country , you are technically owed what the laws of the land provide you - life , liberty , blah blah blah - but don 't expect it . You work your ass off and you get what you work for . If you 're in a tough spot , and your country has social programs to help you out - you paid into that when you were working , technically . I 'm not saying you shouldn 't get food stamps or welfare . Don 't be silly . I 'm just saying , people who think they 're OWED things - people who are greedy when there are free shows or when they 're given something for free and they complain the free thing isn 't BIG enough - make me INSANE . NOTHING IS FREE . You are owed NOTHING . You work , you make money , you buy yourself what you can afford . End of story . ( This is why I very seldom go to free events . I don 't like the attitude of people at free events . They are very entitled and very rude and nothing is good enough . IT IS FREE WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING . ) I judge this book . I like this . ( Also , " It was a pleasure to burn , " just THINKING the phrase , gives me a thrill . EVERY DAMN TIME . ) This is true for books , and people , and cats , and movies , and television shows , and cars , and lots of things . I don 't underestimate things that don 't look like much to begin with . The stillest waters run the deepest . I 've learned this over and over and over . What 's inside is often not what 's outside . And those of us who realize that are really the lucky ones , because we get the best stuff and aren 't dependent on the shiny . I 'm going to go over here now and NOT count these chickens that MAY OR MAY NOT BE HAPPENING . I spend my life in a constant state of non - chicken - counting , most sincerely . Happy day , all . Shush , you chickens , I don 't even know how many of you there are . Share this : Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Reddit ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Click to print ( Opens in new window ) Click to email ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on LinkedIn ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pocket ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . 16 Comments | posted in adages , analysis , country , English language , family , idioms , language , thoughts March 21 , 2012 You 'd have to be pretty stellar before I let you cling to my arms . I need those for punching things . By lucysfootball I had to cover the reception desk today . I do that a number of times a week . It 's because I 'm super - skilled at phone - answering . I almost never say what I 'm thinking . In case you 're wondering , that 's the trick of being a good receptionist . You : I 'm sorry , SIR , but I 'm just the RECEPTIONIST , and I can 't even HELP you with that , WHAT THE HELL . Did you think you were just going to reach whoever you were calling the first call you MADE ? What is this , 1902 ? Give me a break . Go hop a horse and buggy down to the soda fountain . You : That upward inflection in your voice isn 't doing you any favors . Bob 's busy . Here 's his voicemail . Don 't call here again . So , yeah , I don 't do those things . I WANT to , don 't get me WRONG , but I have been told I have a VERY PLEASANT PHONE VOICE . It 's like the only thing I get complimented on in my yearly evaluations , so don 't you even take that away from me , IT IS MY CLAIM TO FAME . Anyway , the receptionist likes the country channel a lot so the radio is always playing it when I go up there and I don 't know how to turn it off . I tried once and she got really mad because I accidentally tuned it to the God channel . It wasn 't even on purpose . Did she think I WANTED to listen to the God channel for an hour ? Who would want THAT shit ? Well , a lot of people , if there 's a channel , I suppose , but I 'm not one of them . It was some song giving either advice or support to women at different ages and at one point it was all , " This is to all the girls about forty - two ! " ( Let 's not even talk about how I hate when people refer to themselves as " girls " when they 're over the age of , say , twenty . You are a woman , dammit , own that . ) " Tossing PANTIES into the fountain of YOUTH ! " That is BRILLIANT . That is totally what forty - two year old " girls " would toss into the fountain of youth . Skanky panties . Because who WOULDN ' T do that ? AWESOME . So I laughed and laughed and imagined my favorite fountain of all time , the Trevi Fountain in Rome , and all the women turning their backs and just HUCKING panties into it and then I laughed some more when I thought of the poor maintenance workers every morning , all , " Mamma mia ! So many biancheria intima ! So messy ! " And just shaking their little old Italian heads . Whoever the hell Martina McBride is , chick needs to learn to ENUNCIATE . Pennies should NOT sound like pennies , even if you DO have a Southern accent . It is EMBARRASSING . But it 's totally funny . And now whenever you hear that song you 're not going to be able to hear anything but panties . TRY IT . IT IS IMPOSSIBLE . I found this on Google Images . Apparently , there was some sort of protest that necessitated the throwing of panties . Look how HAPPY they all look . They are totally throwing those panties into the Fountain of Youth . WITH JOY . Then I was thinking , you know what ? Country songs give a lot of advice . Like , a lot more than pop music . There 's that song about the pennies or panties or whatever , which , either way , that is COLOSSALLY bad advice . You found the damn FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH and you are throwing GARBAGE in it ? BOTTLE and SELL that shit . DAMN . Then you 've got my man Kenny Rogers ' " The Gambler . " ( This was before he got scary - face so it 's ok I like this song . ) So in this song , in case you 're one of the three people in the world who isn 't aware of it , a man meets a gambler on a train and the gambler says , hey , share your whiskey , I 'll talk your ear off with shitty advice . That damn gambler . He was FILLED TO THE BRIM with advice . But at least he asked the guy he was riding the train with if he COULD give the advice first . The dumbass said yes , that was his first mistake . You never tell an old wino you 'll take his advice . You 're in for a long night of BORING DRUNK STORIES . THAT IS A LOT OF ADVICE GAMBLER . But it 's good advice ! However , it 's all pretty self - explanatory . What piss - poor gambler doesn 't already know this stuff ? Oh , wait . Is he talking about GAMBLING ? Or LIFE ? DUN DUN DUNNNNN . I know , right ? Is he a DRUNK ? Or a PHILOSOPHER ? Well , let 's see ! Is he done talking ? Then we have the song that little Amy 's mom used to sing to her when she was little . I don 't think because she was trying to indoctrinate little Amy . But because she liked the song . And listen ! I like the SOUND of the song . But MAN the lyrics are worrisome . I of course am talking about Tammy Wynette 's " Stand by Your Man . " These can 't be the lyrics , can they ? I 'll have bad times , and he 'll have good ones ? When do I get to see the sailboat ? Math ? Auto repair ? Watching television with his hands in his pants ? Picking his nose and then looking at it as if it 's going to be a surprise , what he found in there ? Giggling about farts ? Why is he " clinging " to my arms ? I need those for things . Is he having trouble standing upright ? Oh , my good gravy , did I marry someone mushmouthed AND with a problem staying upright for long periods of time ? I kind of take offense at being referred to as " something . " I ' M SOMEBODY DAMMIT . And why am I the one who needs to be a little stove ? Why can 't HE be the warm one ? This is the worst marriage ever . Ugh , the whole WORLD ? That seems like a lot of work . I mean , I have to be a little STOVE , I have to stand still for all the ARM - GRIPPING , I have to decipher what he 's SAYING … I don 't get a lot of free time here , do I ? How much love is that , exactly ? All that I CAN . I can 't give much . I have a lot of plates spinning at the moment . Wait , SHOW the world I love him ? Now I have to SHOW the world ? What , get a face tattoo ? Make a sex tape ? Knit a " I love Harold " sweater and wear it every - damn - where ? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME ? I am totally the most depressed after that and probably want to stay single forever now . Let 's turn to The Eagles , and one of those songs I can NOT resist and I have to sing along to no matter what . And I was totally mad when they used it in Seinfeld that time because I hate Seinfeld with the fire of a thousand suns ( DON ' T EVEN START WITH ME IT WAS NOT FUNNY ) and they tried to RUIN MY GOOD SONG . Way to be rude , singer . You don 't just say that to people . He probably has a knife right in his boot . Desperadoes are totally willing to shiv you if you insult them by calling them oldtimey . This part is depressing as hell . We 've got this old as hell cowboy all hungry and in pain and in chains and lonely and in prison . This is NOT A HAPPY SONG . ( That 's why I love it so . ) I … I 'm not sure . There 's a light at the end of the tunnel ? Goonies never say die ? I don 't know what the hell . I 'll totally love up on a desperado . I 'm down with ruggedy - ness . Also , they usually have horses , then I know my fella would like animals so he 'd be down with my plan for my rescue home for all the animals in the woods , see ? I 'm always thinking . So what did we learn today ? To … hold ' em and fold ' em , dependent on ' em ? To die in our sleep ? To not marry people with speech impediments who can 't stand on their own two feet for extended periods of time ? That The Eagles loved a good euphemism ? It is random Dad story day . I was going to tell them over the weekend but someone who likes them the most named Jim does not read my blog until Monday so I saved them . YOU ' RE WELCOME JIM . My dad told me a story recently and he was all " THIS ONE ' S FOR YOUR BLOG . " I think because animals were involved and he knows I 'm a sucker for animal stories . Like , if this were caveman times , that would be how the cavemen would court me . With good animal stories told around the fire . I am a SUCKER for them . But then Dad told me ANOTHER story and it was MORE bloggy . The original one was kind of meh . The second one was kind of weird . I like weird even more than I like animally . Best ? Weird AND animally . But out of deference to him I will tell them BOTH even though he didn 't tell me I could tell you the second one . Although he didn 't specifically say I COULDN ' T , either . So I 'm going to go with " it 's ok to tell both . " I mean , G . I . Joe used to tell me that knowing was half the battle but I 'm pretty sure that not - knowing is a good part of the battle , too , because then you can claim ignorance . He went to visit his best friend ( listen , he and his BFF have been BFFs since they were wee kiddos and they are in their 60s , how adorable is that ? The most , is how ) and his best friend has a camp and there 's this thing that I don 't 100 % understand up there where the BFF stores corn . And he put 100 pounds of corn in it , and the next day the corn was GONE . And he was all , " Amy 's dad , where could the corn be , that is a lot of corn . " So my dad , who 's totally Black Ops when it comes to surveillance , I think because he 's sure that the government is watching him but I can 't guarantee that , set up his night - vision camera and they all tee - heed their way away and then the next day pulled the SD card to see what 's up with the corn thieves and guess what it was ? The raccoon was climbing up a little ladder thingy and spinning this wheel thingy and corn was falling out . Then THREE OTHER RACCOONS were below , gobbling up the corn . OH . And here 's the best part , ready ? Guess who ELSE was eating the purloined corn ? So the raccoon family was FRIENDS with the porcupine ! They were all eating the purloined corn TOGETHER ! I know , right ? That is too cute for WORDS ! It is like an Animal Planet SITCOM ! I asked my dad if the porcupine and the raccoons were friends and he said , " Well , the porcupine wasn 't quilling the raccoons so I guess they got along alright . " Hee ! Quilling . Apparently my dad 's BFF wasn 't amused by the corn thievery so my dad and his BFF set up some sort of raccoon cockblockery where the raccoon couldn 't get into the corn again . I find this sad . Interspecies friends are ADORABLE . What will they talk about now ? It 's not like they have television programs to discuss , or bowling . I guess they could discuss the kids , or maybe the weather , but how far will that go ? That friendship will get stale fast . This might be the end of their friendship , seriously . I am totally bummed about this end of a friendship . The second story is just kind of bizarre . So my dad has a friend who is handicapped and can 't walk . ( I promise I 'm not making fun of this guy , I barely know him , I 'm not enough of an asshole to mock the handicapped , and he was injured in Vietnam which I find admirable . Well , OBVIOUSLY not that he was injured . That he served . ) So he found a thing online where you could get - no , wait , I 'm totally not even kidding - A HELPER MULE . I was not aware that this is a thing but my dad swears that this is a thing and I have to assume it is . Who would make up " helper mule ? " I am not having luck finding anything on the interwebs about this other than a random mention on Wikipedia that such a situation exists . Me : HE HAS A RASCAL SCOOTER . WHY DOES HE NEED A MULE . YOU DON ' T LIVE IN THE OUTBACK . Or the Grand Canyon . He lives in TOWN . This is suspect . Dad : I 'm not 100 % sure why . He hasn 't answered me when I ask him that . Why do you keep calling it a Rascal scooter ? It 's like you 're calling it by its first and last name . Like Abraham Lincoln . Or Bob Dylan . I think you can just call it a Rascal . Like Cher . Me : I don 't know . Just calling it a Rascal seems ambiguous . " He has a Rascal ! " You might think I mean he has a scamp who lives with him , I don 't know . ANYWAY . That Rascal scooter is perfectly adequate for his needs . I feel like maybe he just wanted a pet mule . Which I can 't really fault him for . Who doesn 't want an awesome pet , now and again ? But maybe you should have encouraged him to get a helper MONKEY . Those things can open cabinets and bring you foodstuffs . Helper mules most definitely cannot open cabinets or bring you Hohos or Sunkist sodas . Dad : He can open his own cabinets . It 's his legs that don 't work . His arms work fine . Also , he has a wife , she can bring him TV snacks , I suppose . Me : True . I was NOT getting out of the car . Not with all of those dastardly monkeys with their quick hands around . I was wearing a sparkly shirt that day . They obviously were drawn to sparkly things . I would have been TOAST . So , wait , who 's going to take care of the mule ? Me : His wife ? I can 't imagine his wife taking care of that mule . She 's totally classy . And he can 't . The Rascal scooter would get mule poo and mud in the wheels and then it wouldn 't run . Me : No . But it 's a HELPER mule . I can 't imagine it wouldn 't want to be helpful . And that would be helpful . I only got to ride a horse once , for like three minutes . I would feel extraordinarily helped if I got to ride a mule for longer than three minutes . Dad : I can see your point . We 'll talk to the mule about helping you out this summer . You can be like his community service project . So this really is exciting animal day . We have : raccoons , porcupines , AND mules . I know . I think it 's only a matter of time before the National Wildlife Service wants me to come and work for them , right ? I would be the BEST at that , no joke . Oh , wait , that would involve a lot of walking . I hate walking . SNAP . I could totally ride a helper mule . This is a very good plan . I like that I have my life all planned out now . I feel really good about this . I 'm going to name my mule Sal . I think you have to , right ? There 's a song about a mule named Sal and everything . Then I can sing the Erie Canal song TO my mule , which he or she would love , as Sal is totally a unisex name , and we would be INTERSPECIES FRIENDS . ( P . S . Happy birthday , N . ! With apologies for changing this a bit to our mutual love , Stephen Sondheim , what would I do without you ? How would I ever get through ? Who would I complain to for hours ? Who 'd bring me the flowers when I have the flu ? Have a wonderful day , and more than that , have a wonderful year ! ) It 's random crap day . I have lots of things that are not long enough for a whole blog post . I know , I could totally write a short blog post . HA HA HA . Who are we kidding , really ? Why would I do something like that ? That would be utter lunacy . SHEER MADNESS I TELL YOU . Next I suppose you 'll be telling me it 's time to stop using caps lock ! What is the world COMING TO ? So my dad has a wood lot . Because he lives in the boonies , and they need wood so they can have a fire so they can heat the house . And he has a little garden up there . But something is EATING his garden . So he puts out a trap all year - round and sometimes catches things like skunks and one time he swears he caught a forty - pound raccoon but I think I didn 't get my penchant for exaggeration from the neighbors , you know ? Also sometimes woodchucks . Me : * squealing too high for anything but dogs to hear * A FISHER ? They are AWESOME . Oh wait . Oh , no . Tell me you didn 't kill the fisher . This story doesn 't end with you killing the fisher , does it ? Dad : SO THEN , your brother got close to it , and it was actually pretty calm , until he put his face next to the cage . Then it hissed and showed its teeth . But then when we moved away , it sounded like it was purring . Dad : So then I decided , this is one pretty animal . I have to let this go . Even though once it was in the trap , it ate all the chicken in there . I could have re - used that chicken , since I couldn 't find my other chicken . Me : I AM SO GLAD THIS STORY DIDN ' T END THE WAY I THOUGHT IT MIGHT . Wait , are you mad it ate the chicken ? Of course it ate the chicken ! It was like stress - eating . The poor fisher was all , " I am trapped ! Might as well eat this delicious cage - chicken . IT MIGHT BE MY LAST MEAL ON EARTH . Nom nom . " Dad : I like that you think you know how the fisher thinks . Anyway , the cage is really hard to open . And , as mentioned , there 's the face - eating to worry about . So I cut a stick and with some maneuvering , we got the cage open and that fisher ran and ran and ran . I think it 's still running . Like Forrest Gump . Me : IT IS A PROVEN FACT . It 's like an Aesop 's Fable . Like the lion and the mouse , and the mouse pulled the thorn from the lion 's paw . Me : I know . You 're probably feeling pretty stupid you didn 't adopt it as the most awesome pet ever right now . Because , PURRING . So I went to get my car fixed this week , THANK YOU ASSHAT CAR VANDAL , and while waiting at the garage and playing with my phone and reading and such , a man came in . He was probably my age . Somewhat attractive , in a bro sort of way . Bro talked LOUDLY . Like , if Bro was writing , it would be all - caps , all the time . And RAPIDLY . And looking at Bro , I realized , he was really twitchy . And his eyes were WILD . So I decided that probably Bro was on some sort of speedy drug . Or possibly a lot of Red Bull . Bro discovered that there WAS , INDEED , wi - fi in the garage ( " YES ! WI - FI ! THIS IS AWESOME ! ! ! ! " ) , and he then sat down RIGHT NEXT TO ME , even though there were about seven other chairs that were NOT right next to me . Now , listen . As a rule , I totally don 't talk to people who are so hell - bent on talking to me in public places because STRANGER DANGER and also I hate people . But this guy was SO EFFING ENTERTAINING . At first . At FIRST he was entertaining . Until he started being a looney . Also , you all know I love all - caps , and this guy TALKED IN ALL - CAPS . I 'm pretty sure he was about one toot away from a heart attack , and he was entertaining himself so , so thoroughly with the loud - talking . So I totally talked to him , even though he punctuated every sentence he said with a slap on my leg or arm , for emphasis . I mean , not HARD . But totally a slap . Not a sexy slap . Just a " HA HA HA " slap . He was a hot mess . It was kind of like watching a slow - motion car wreck . You know you SHOULDN ' T want to watch . But you do anyway . OH ! Also he had a lot of very white teeth . Like , TOO white . And too even . They looked like PROP teeth . Although , he didn 't say lesbian . He said an offensive TERM for lesbians . This was off - putting and I was kind of knocked for a loop and didn 't know how to respond . It was not so much " crackhead bro behavior " as " ignorant redneck behavior . " Bro : THE REASON I CAN GET THIS SO CHEAP IS BECAUSE IT HAS SOME DAMAGE BECAUSE BOATS LIKE THIS ? YOU CAN GO 70 OVER WAVES WITH THEM . AND THAT CAUSES DAMAGE . WOULDN ' T YOU LIKE TO GO 70 OVER A WAVE IN THIS BOAT ? Bro : HA HA HA ! FALL OUT AND DIE SHE SAYS ! YOU JUST NEED TO CONQUER YOUR FEAR ! EVEN AFRICAN - AMERICANS CAN SWIM IF THEY CONQUER THEIR FEAR ! My coked - out friend was really getting to be a worry . And yes , before anyone gets all up - in - arms , probably I should have been all " teaching moment " and all " sir , that terminology really isn 't appropriate " but listen . THIS GUY WAS WIRED ON SOMETHING . And he was a STRANGER . If it makes you feel any better about the state of the world , after he started being a total weirdo who hated all the people for their sexual partners and skin colors , I kind of buried my nose in my book and just made a random " uh - huh " and " oh " here and there to his ongoing rant because it was very , very awkward . Bro then told me a story about how , at his last job , although they LOVED him , he 'd done over $ 1 . 5 MILLION in damages , and so they 'd had to let him go . But they didn 't WANT to let him go . It was just an insurance thing . YOU KNOW ? * leg slap * YOU KNOW HOW THAT IS ? * leg slap * Finally , the car was repaired and I was SAFE and I could ESCAPE . Poor Bro . He looked sad . Who would he talk to now ? Luckily , Project Runway was on the television . I can only imagine the things he was saying about my favorite mentor , Tim Gunn . I 'm glad I left when I did . So ! Heads - up , people on Sacandaga Lake ! Bro 's getting a BOAT ! And does A LOT OF HIGH - PRICED DAMAGE ! And seems to be CHEERILY RACIST AND HOMOPHOBIC ! I 'd probably stay out of the water , if I were you . Maybe stay safely on land . Have a nice party somewhere with walls , or something , I don 't know . Just a tip . Happy first anniversary to R and A , two of my favorite lovebirds ! I can 't wait to see you in 4 or 5 months and we will have all the adventures and I will goggle in awe over your LATEST COLLABORATION , who will totally be born by then , BABY GIRL AWESOMESAUCE ! May every year after this one , up to a million billion more , plus one for luck , be filled with love and romance and laughter and fun ! * smooch * So remember last week I told you about how I laughed to tears about how I imagined that one of my actors was sitting at home making up a death - book for celebrities ? In case you were wondering how awesome my actors are ( I don 't think anyone 's sitting around wondering these things , but you never know , someone MIGHT be ) , the very next day , the same actor that I 'd been imagining that about came in with his hands behind his back . " I have something for you , to thank you for all your hard work this week , " he said . And he pulled out A DEATH COLLAGE . He and his awesome wife , who told him about my giggle fit , complete with tears , about imagining him collaging celebrity deaths , made up a fake scrapbook page for Whitney Houston 's death . It 's totally not as morbid as it sounds . OK , yeah , it is . But ALSO AWESOME . It 's on pink paper and has the article from the paper and " our angel " and " we will always love you " and I laughed so hard I almost died . I would totally have tried to get a photo of it but it 's too big to take a photo of and also I think people might start getting the wrong idea that I like hated Whitney Houston or something , which I totally didn 't . WHITNEY HOUSTON IS NOT THE POINT . The point is , my giggle fit made death - coupaging a REALITY . This is why I love theater people : they get my insane and morbid sense of humor , and they do it one better . Because they are AMAZING . And their brains don 't work like regular people . Much like mine doesn 't . And this makes me so , so happy . Happy Saturday , all ! I hope your weekend is filled with Cheetos and also alcoholic beverages . I mean , everyone wants those things , right ? If you live locally , COME SEE MY SHOW . If you do not , I WISH YOU DID . No , no . NOT YOU DING - DONG JOE . You can stay right where you are . Doing … whatever it is you 're doing there . Ew . You know , someday ? I 'm going to get one of those tablet - thingys where I can draw really awful illustrations to accompany my posts , because really what my posts need are additional added horrible illustrations . You know what I can 't do ? Walk like I 'm not 95 years old on ice ? Well , that either . Draw . I totally can 't draw . So this weekend , I went to see a play . It was a good play , at a good theater ; I left pleased with the performance . I did NOT leave pleased with the customer service . I showed up . The usher ( the ushers are volunteers , and , as such , some are more skilled than others ; I try to cut them some slack . We all draw from the same pool of volunteers . I see some of my theater 's volunteers over there , from time to time . You take what you can get , volunteer - wise . You 're not paying a volunteer . Some work like it 's a job ; some are there because , in exchange for volunteering , you get a free ticket , so they go through the motions accordingly in order to get their free ticket ; some act like they 're there on a prison work - release program , and I don 't 100 % understand why they come at all , no one 's forcing them ) was having trouble seating people , because she didn 't understand left from right . That 's rude - sounding , and not meant to be - the theater 's somewhat in the round , so I can see that it might be a little confusing , which side is right and which is left . Also , there 's the whole stage left / stage right vs . audience left / audience right thing . I get it . So I seated myself , because I 've been there before and I knew where my seat was . " Do you have a ticket ? " she asked . Now , I really wanted to say , no , no I don 't , I 'm a street person and I 'm gate - crashing , but I produced it . She looked at mine . She looked at theirs . She looked like she was going to cry , because we all had the same seat number on our tickets . Officious Jones was an usher I 'd been watching while seated , waiting for the show to start . Apparently , he thought that he ran the theater , even though he was an unpaid volunteer . He was cock - of - the - walking around , chest puffed out , yelling at the other ushers , attempting to herd the patrons into orderly lines when they were already in orderly lines , and generally being a pain in the ass . Also , an elderly woman walked in with snow on her shoes - it snowed here on Saturday - and he TOOK HER TO TASK for tracking snow into the theater . She apologized , and he told her " well , you 'll know not to do it again . " Yep . I was loving Officious Jones . " Oh , did you want me to give it to you ? " I asked . ( People like Officious Jones make me obstinate . Well , let 's be frank , most people do , but people like him ESPECIALLY do . ) " Really . That seems unlikely , considering I worked yesterday . Why would I have purchased a ticket for a show that was occurring during a work shift , when I 've worked the same shift for almost seven years now ? " I asked him . Officious Jones didn 't enjoy this answer . " THE COMPUTER SAYS YOU DID , " he hissed . " But since you 're here , I 've been authorized to give you THIS SEAT " ( and he pointed out a seat that was actually better than my original seat . ) He waited until I sat , I guess to make sure I didn 't cause a ruckus or try to steal other people 's seats or strip naked or track in snow or something , GLARED at me , then stomped out . I 'm a paying customer . It is not my fault that your e - ticket system doesn 't have a date on the e - ticket ; it is not my fault that your computer system says I purchased a ticket for a show that I KNOW I did not purchase a ticket for ( and I didn 't keep the original email , so I can 't confirm or deny that I bought the ticket for yesterday 's show , but I can 't imagine I wouldn 't have - I 've never made a mistake like that before , and I 've been buying online tickets for years , I do it with a calendar at my side and write the dates on the calendar as I purchase because I see a number of shows a month and I want to keep it straight what I 'm going to see when . ) As a paying customer , I should be afforded a certain level of courtesy . That level of courtesy means that you do NOT treat me like I 'm attempting to rip you off or that I haven 't bathed in a month or that I 'm putting you out by being there . Our local theaters are in trouble . You need all the paying customers you can get . The tickets for this theater aren 't cheap . If you continue to treat your customers like garbage , you 're going to lose them , and we 're going to lose another theater venue in town . At my theater , the patron is always right . Even when they 're an annoying , lying asshat . We bend over backward to make sure they 're accommodated . Once , we had a woman who refused to get out of a seat that wasn 't her ticketed seat . She made a huge stink over the whole thing . Could we have also raised a stink and probably physically ejected her or called the cops or something ? Yep . But we didn 't . And you know what ? She 's still a patron . We 're careful to make sure she sits in her ticketed seat every show , but we still get her money every time . We NEED that money . Theaters are going under every day . Are patrons often asshats ? Yep . In that case , we paste on a smile , we make them feel like we made the mistake , even when we didn 't , and when they 've been seated with grace and style , we bitch about them until the air is blue WHERE THEY CAN ' T HEAR OR SEE US . Because they are PAYING DAMN CUSTOMERS . So , Officious Jones , you are very , very bad at customer service . Also , I didn 't whip out my credentials when I was there , because I am not an asshole . Oh , how I wanted to say , " Can I talk to your supervisor ? " and tell them I 'm the Artistic Director of my theater . Or that I know the person who runs your box office . BUT I DIDN ' T . I totally behaved myself . Well , other than being a little stubborn , but I don 't think you can blame me , you were being a jackhole . Also , to the ladies seated behind me who commented " There sure is a lot of talking in this play ! " Yes , yes there is . It 's a play . About family relationships . Probably not many explosions . If you want explosions , I 'd go to the movies , I 'm sure something there would satisfy you . Also , YES , one of the actresses stars in the local Raymour & Flanigan furniture commercials . But you don 't need to point it out EVERY TIME SHE COMES ON STAGE . " There she is ! AGAIN ! The FURNITURE lady ! " Shhh . My grandmother 's uncle - so my grandmother 's mother 's brother , my great - granduncle , I guess ? was married to a woman . The woman , as it was BACK IN THE DAY , made all his food and drink , of course . He was known to not want to eat or drink anything anyone else made , when he was visiting others . It was his thing . " My wife makes MY coffee ! The way I like it ! " he 'd boast , while turning down offers of coffee when visiting people . Well , he died . And the wife remarried . And that husband grew very ill , similarly . And the doctors thought , hmm . And looked into it . And ran some tests . And found ALL THE ARSENIC in her new husband 's system . So they exhumed my great - great - uncle and found HE ' D BEEN ROUGH ON RATTED . Well , I don 't know if she actually USED Rough on Rats but my mom says it was totally a rat poison of some sort . Probably Rough on Rats . Let 's do the math . My grandmother is in her late 80 's . This happened when she was a child . Rough on Rats was around when she was a child . THEREFORE I ' VE DECIDED IT WAS ROUGH ON RATS . Although I totally want to be related to the Black Widow of Upstate New York . HOW EXCITING . I can 't wait to see the clippings and hear my grandmother 's story . More on this as it develops ! Rough on Rats in my FAMILY you guys ! Well ! That was … unexpected ! AND ALSO AWESOME ! My uncle recently purchased a truck . He needed to get it inspected . He lives in the boonies , as do most of my people . The garage he brought it to was teeny , and cold because who heats a whole garage ? And the inspection was taking a while , so with the cold and the waiting he eventually realized he had to pee like a mofo . So he asked the guy , " Can I use your bathroom ? " and the guy was all , " Sure " and waved him back to it . On the way back , my uncle saw a lot of what looked like cat litter on the floor of the garage . " Odd , " thought my uncle . So he was in the bathroom , and all of a sudden , the door opened while he was in there , and ! Well , THAT ' S off - putting ! And guess what came into the bathroom ? My mom , who told me this story , didn 't seem to think that my response of " I would have screamed , because who would have expected that there ? Then totally cuddled its little nose and asked the guy if I could bottle - feed it ! " was appropriate , but I would have . Aw , little wee calf ! I love cows ! Listen , although I love living in civilization , I have to say , awesome things like a calf walking in on you while you are peeing in a rural garage do not often happen here where I live . We don 't get a lot of livestock situations here . That 's kind of sad . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :
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Growing facial hair is not my biggest strength nor has it ever been a goal of mine . In my late teens I unsuccessfully made an attempt at a mustache and drew the conclusion that I was too far up the evolutionary ladder to pull off the lumberjack look . The week of Thanksgiving , as a result of a patchy , tremor - filled morning shave , I threw away the razor . I announced to Superwoman , " That 's it , no more shaving . " Though her tone of voice said otherwise , she dutifully replied , " That 's fine . " You should see me now . " Scruffy " is a kind term to describe my current appearance . Catching a glance of myself when passing a mirror causes me to pause and giggle a bit . Not so much because I look funny * snicker * but because I 've reached a place where I can accept the change without remorse . Indeed , I take some pleasure that I have accepted the fact that shaving is something that caused me great discomfort , so I removed the irritant and have not lamented the consequences . As I lose physical capabilities , I don 't bemoan the loss , I mourn the consequences . I don 't miss the movement of my fingers , I miss being able to draw a heart on my wife 's Christmas card . I don 't miss the strength of my grip , I miss the firm handshake from a friend . I don 't miss smooth arm movements , I miss the giggles of wonderment from children as I juggled their Easter eggs . I don 't miss the steady walking gait , I miss the walk . Ad infinitum . Merely being " scruffy " is an acceptable consequence to the loss . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Merry Christmas to you all ! When I was taking my second year of Psychology the professor ran a film on split - brain surgery . I found it fascinating that the two hemispheres of the brain perform different tasks and when the communication between the two are interrupted , weird things happen . For example , after the surgery , the patient could be shown a fork while the left eye is covered and the patient knew it was a fork . He could pick another fork amongst other objects but could not tell the doctor it was a fork . When the right eye was covered the patient could not identify the shape . Only when both eyes were used could the patient identify AND verbalize the object . When my symptoms first manifested , it was the pinkie and ring finger on my right hand . Over the next two years , slowly , like sand leaking from the hole in a cloth sack , my right side has lost its muscular strength and coordination . Now it feels as if the right half of my body is a different person . The rare times I study my face in a mirror , I can see the sag of unstimulated muscle . Even my smile has become a crooked mask of what it once was . I can only imagine as my left brain hemisphere continues to degrade what effects may appear . Perhaps I 'll know the fork but be unable to say so . I dread hurting the fork 's feelings . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I know I haven 't been posting photos in my blogs lately , and it isn 't just that I am taking fewer photos . It just seems that the world is less photogenic . As the holidays approach , a sense of dread has settled into my psyche . Historically , Thanksgiving Day has been my favorite holiday . It came with no baggage . No obligatory gifts , no religious dictates , no fireworks , and no memorials . It was a day to count my blessings . A day to focus on the good in my life , eat lots of comfort food , and spend the afternoon with family . It was a day to be thankful for . One of the symptoms of CBGD is " social withdrawal . " To analyze the reasoning behind the symptom is difficult because there is always the possibility that any psychological symptom may be caused by the , very real , degeneration of my brain . I think not . Having led a life rooted in athleticism , I find my seemingly sudden frailty to be humiliating . Eating is a particularly embarrassing thing to have to do in front of people . While eating should be a mindless task , it has become a slow , laborious endeavour that becomes more difficult if I believe I am being watched . Last year 's Thanksgiving was eventful in that I passed the carving - of - the - turkey on to my son . I fear that another year from now might mean someone feeding me at the head of the table . I don 't think I can do that . So you see , " social withdrawal " has its roots in the loss of dignity that permeates this disease . Too much pride may not be a good thing , but its loss is deadly . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Posted by My younger brother was in town from San Diego last week and on a cool drizzly day we decided to take in an afternoon movie . I checked the local multi - plex and picked the movie , " Hereafter . " I assumed with the names Matt Damon , Clint Eastwood , and Steven Spielberg associated with a movie that had a considerable amount of action in the preview trailer , I was safe . I was wrong ! You see , I 've reached a point where crying about MY condition has been locked in a box and shoved to the back of my closet . Way back ! I fear I also locked away a bit of my sense of humor , my ability to appreciate simple wonders , and a bunch of my creativity . However , when presented with a situation that others might find sad , I might find deeply despairing . Debilitatingly so . Considering my weakened ability to discern sad fiction from mournful reality , and the fact that I am in the throes of an " illness " that will kill me , why the hell would I pick a movie called " Hereafter . " Believe it or not I find that morbidly hilarious ! The movie dealt with the existence of an afterlife and loved ones who have " passed on " watching over us . Luckily I had buttered popcorn necessitating extra napkins . I 'm not sure if it was as much of a tear - jerker to my brother because the " man pact " requires that we not discuss such things . It is tough to hide despair and still show joy . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - This stuff is really kickin ' my butt ! Even in my dreams I 'm limited physically now . My walking gate mimics Kevin Spacey in the " Usual Suspects . " Only he 's faking it . My movements , especially eating , have become slow and hesitant . The medical term is " Bradykinesia . " I call it humiliating . My mother - in - law recently had a stroke from which she has been slow to recover . Her condition has required her to be admitted to a long - term rehabilitation center . She has a roommate that is in the later stages of Parkinson 's Disease . My CBGD will follow a similar path and it is overwhelming for me to visit and confront , face to face , my future in such a place . If I wasn 't needed and still able to be productive , I would , no doubt , check out of this decaying hotel and move on . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I took this photo on a recent vacation Superwoman and Itook to San Francisco . It was nice . I 'm having a good deal of difficulty maintaining organized thought long enough to get a decent blog post together . Here is one I started recently then got distracted : Our bodies are made up of millions of diverse living cells , each a single living thing in its own right needing food , shelter , and a place to leave its waste . The waste of one cell may be another cell 's fillet mignon . Together , when they are all living their lives properly , they combine to be you or me . When cells , for whatever reason , quit pulling their load . Families are living organisms . Symbiotic creatures that need each other to survive . When one ( or more ) of them quit living right , the unit suffers . Maybe dies . By the time I returned to the text I had forgotten where I was headed . I 'm afraid it is a symptom of CBGD . If I am going to continue this blog , you and I are going to have to accept that its deterioration is part of it . I am going to accept that disjointed drivel means something too . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - On a side note , my hummingbirds seem to be feverishly stocking up for their winter migration . There has been a lot going on in my ( our ) life . Superwoman took my " rocks in your backpack analogy " to heart and began lightening her load and stopped picking up other people 's rocks . Then her Mother had a stroke , immediately dumping a boulder into her already - too - big pack . I try to lighten her load when I get the opportunity and I have been guilty of hiding my own ills from her in an effort to not add to her burdens . She gets a tad angry when my omissions come to light , but I do it to protect her . I posted a " Love Letter to Superwoman " last December and I haven 't written any love letters since . We had our twenty - third anniversary on August 3rd and with all our turmoil we almost missed the date . This week , while working on transferring all our old home videos over to digital format , I ran across this spontaneous clip of her singing in our living room . It reminded me of one of the reasons I fell for her . I am a very lucky man ! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - My first " real " job was at a restaurant in Upland , California , called Betsy Ross ' Ice Cream and Cafe . It was a three store chain that made their own ice cream in the rear of the Pomona store . They made great ice cream , but the real draw was the patriotically themed ice cream sundaes named The George Washington , Martha Washington , Washington Monument , and the 32 scoop Mount Rushmore . I can 't remember all the sundaes . . . . . . only my favorites . I started out as a busboy , but moved up rapidly past dishwasher to the highly sought after position of fountain boy . The restaurant was designed so that the ice cream was displayed at the entrance ( ala Baskin Robbins ) and the fountain boy was in full display in his white shirt , black pants , red paisley vest , and the , always stylish , red white and blue paper hat ( Gandhi style ) . The job required showmanship , artistry , speed , and an incredibly strong wrist and forearm . I loved it ! Especially Friday nights as the local high school football games ended and we were overrun with ice cream loving teenagers . Showtime ! Tom Cruise had nothing on me ( well , except for the looks and Nicole Kidman ) . The 3 gallon ice cream containers were rotated from the zero degree freezer to a smaller freezer to allow it to soften some . Friday nights did not allow for this step , therefore , the ice cream was rock hard . My public , however , would not wait . The end result was the development of my right hand , wrist , and forearm . The job lasted through my freshmen year in college . My ice cream powered grip lasted until two years ago . As I lost my fine motor skills in my right hand , I worried about losing my hand writing . I had not considered that this same loss of neurological connection in my brain would also cause my muscles to fail , causing a profound deterioration in strength . I struggled to disconnect two garden hoses yesterday , eventually having to use a pair of pliers . Later , I couldn 't open a bottled water . It is as if there were 100 horses hooked to the wagon but only five of them are awake . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Posted by This past March I posted about Kel On Wheels , a fundraiser / bike ride in a little town in northeast Iowa . What I didn 't post was my secret desire to show up at the ride and witness the efforts , firsthand , of friends and family members as they raised money to fund research on CBGD . As the date approached for the July 17th event , I became more resolute that I was going to make the trip to Decorah , Iowa and go alone . Superwoman didn 't much like the idea but she had another commitment . I began to check maps , price flights , and even visit the little town via Google Street . I emailed Kel and Karla ( fellow CBGD patient and his wife ) to test the waters about whether I would be welcome and they responded with open arms . I booked flights to St . Paul , MN , rental car , and the best room the Super 8 Motel had to offer . My little adventure was taking shape . I will not bore you with trip details ( like the good fortune of sitting next to skinny people on over - booked flights ) but I took my time and some of the little things were my favorites . Iowa is known for its corn and coming from cotton country I know how pretty fields can be . But I was not prepared the hundreds of square miles of the greenest rolling hills I had ever seen . As the sun set , the fireflies twinkled from the tops of what seemed to be every corn stalk . I parked by the side of the road , stood outside my rental car , and marveled at a sight I had never imagined . Millions of them forming an earthbound universe of what appeared to be twinkling stars . The following morning I drove to the park where the ride was to begin . I was nervous knowing I was going to meet so many new people . Then as my GPS directed me along the town 's main street , things began to look familiar . I was looking at the shops I had visited ( virtually ) on Google Street . It gave me an odd sense of Deja Vu . Seeing the cyclists preparing their bikes as I parked my car across from the small park , brought up all sorts of emotions . This was the first time I had been to an organized ride since being forced to quit rPosted by Superwoman ( my wife ) has had a tough week . I won 't share the details here , but the rocks in her backpack are weighing on her . The " backpack " analogy was first told to me by a Viet Nam veterans ' counselor . Everyone has their own backpack to carry around , all day , every day . In this backpack we place rocks ( burdens ) . Sometimes we pickup a big , heavy rock , like the loss of a friend or loved one . Often we pickup small ones like the laundry cart that dings your new car . While the small ones don 't weigh much individually , continually picking them up and tossing them in your pack will soon outweigh a boulder . Some of us carry rocks made of anticipated burden . The trick is learning how to take rocks OUT of your backpack . Pick a rock . . . . any rock . Say the one made of worrying about some future event that may not even happen . Envision reaching back and grabbing that rock . Feel its weight . Identify what it 's made of , take a big wind - up , and throw it as far as you can . Then leave it where it lands . ( I usually throw mine into deep water ) . You 'll never empty your backpack , but you can sure lighten the load . With practice you 'll even quit picking up some rocks altogether . Superwoman picks up every rock she can reach . She even picks up other people 's rocks . Some people are willing " rock - givers " ( co - workers , children ) and she takes them too . While she is strong and can carry a big backpack , I worry about her . I worry about the size of the rock that is made of ME . Ironically that is one of MY rocks . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Just a few short weeks before being diagnosed with CBGD , I was pedaling up " The Wall " on the second day of a two day , 150 mile bike ride . " The Wall " was an intimidating incline that rose first slowly then at a difficult angle above the expansive flatness of the Mississippi River delta region where the ride took place . It was the only real climb on the whole course and had garnered a reputation as a killer among many of the intermediate and beginning riders that were drawn to this annual charity ride . By Colorado standards it really isn 't much of a challenge but we are elevation - deprived in my neck of the woods so we call it " The Wall " . Like everything else in life , it 's all relative . I liked The Wall . I trained for it , even trained ON it . I approached it like many other obstacles I 've faced in life . I turned a difficulty into a strength . To excel as a cross country runner in high school I identified the course on which most of our important races were run , a hilly course at Mount San Antonio College . About three quarters of the way through the course there was a series of switchbacks that were incredibly steep and literally heartbreaking . Many runners have been reduced to walkers on those switchbacks . I would run workouts at MTSAC , not on the course , but just on the switchbacks . Over and over I would run them . One day I did it in army boots . I wanted to own those switchbacks and eventually I did . Come race day , when the lead group of runners melted on those switchbacks , I would say hello to my old friend and fly through the pack . As I type these words , those experiences seem so long ago and the person with all that drive seems dead . It 's so wrong on so many levels . The Wall before me now I can not train to conquer . There are things that have slowly , at almost imperceptible speeds , left my life . My handwriting was never flamboyant or even beautiful , but it was mine . There was a flair to my signature that tended to express my somewhat outgoing personality . It seems that as my right side fine motor skills deteriorated , the first thing to go was the " flair . " I believe my personality began to lose its flair too . Now I cannot write . Rather I draw letters and it takes a concentrated effort to do that . It also takes a concentrated effort during social interactions to carry on a conversation . No longer able to casually emphasize words with body language is constricting and distracting . I am certain people subconsciously pickup my stiff body language as me being disinterested in what they have to say . This leads to only superficial conversations . That is the thing I have lost that I miss the most . Real in - depth conversation containing pats on the back , handshakes , a punch in the arm , a hug , or any physical contact . I 'm sure it 's my fault . I 've lost my flair . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - On a happier note : As summer ends , I thought it appropriate to photograph some of the suns we 've brought back from our many trips to Mexico that adorn the exterior walls that line our deck . Superwoman will be upset that I didn 't wash them first . Create your own video slideshow at animoto . com . I haven 't added any posts to this blog for weeks now . Not a day goes by that I don 't think of something I should write about but by the time I have time the inspiration has passed . In truth , that is basically my current situation in a nutshell . Finding the motivation to accomplish tasks , even small ones , is becoming increasingly difficult . What 's the point ? Mind you , I don 't have a problem doing things that benefit , or will benefit , others , but it just hard to justify self improvement . I mean I still go to work daily and am still very productive , but I have no interest in attending a motivational seminar that will " insure years of personal gratification through improved people management skills . " There was a time when I loved those things and always walked away with my batteries recharged . I haven 't had my " batteries " boosted for a while now and frankly can 't name a thing that I believe could do it . Maybe drugs . As a child of the 60s and 70s that was always an option . It 's been a long long time since I 've had the " munchies . " Too long ! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I am afraid to speak the words . It 's as if I avoid saying , " I 'm losing my ability to verbalize my thoughts , " then it won 't be true . But it is . For as long as I can remember I 've been a bit talkative . Spoken language has been my friend , my shield , and my weapon . My verbal skills are the rocks I have built my career upon . I was not always sure I would be able whip you in a fight but I was almost always sure I could convince you that fighting me was not a good idea . Slowly , ever so slowly I am becoming aware of a slowing in my speech . As the tremble in my little finger has digressed to my inability to write , do does the tremble in my lips lead me to believe I will soon go silent . The insidious nature of my malady is such that I never notice the day to day deterioration . Some days are better than others , but the day that was a bad day three months ago is now a good day . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - As my CBGD progresses , my body feels more like a shell than part of me . A shell in which I am trapped . The part of me that is my conscious self seems to be shrinking inside it , like the Easter egg that was not found . Eventually the inside hardens until , when shaken , the egg just rattles with the death inside . It is so , so lonely in here . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - As I continue to lose the use of my right hand I am forced to rely on my left hand to do tasks it has never learned to do . I was making a purchase at a department store the other day and took my item to the cashier to check out . I dread these little encounters because they inevitably require two hands . I pulled out my wallet , that I keep in my left rear pants pocket , opened it , and with a bit of fumbling managed to remove my debit card . I looked down at the credit card swiper . The slot to insert the card was on the right side , requiring me to hold the card in my left hand in goose neck fashion to swipe my card . I was successful on my third attempt prompting the cashier to say , " Oh , I 'm left - handed too . It 's good to be among right minded people , " she giggled . " I 've only recently become left - handed . An illness , " I said . " Then you were meant to be left - handed all along , " she ventured . Maybe she was right . Personally I think she sleeps in a pyramid with scented candles burning and whale sounds coming from her mood - a - rama . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A couple of days ago , just as I walked from my car to my backdoor , my Blackberry buzzed indicating an email . I petted the dog , wiped my shoes on the mat and entered the kitchen . Then I checked the email . It was a notification that someone had posted an " anonymous " comment to one of my blog posts . It read : Thank you for your blog . Wish I had found it sooner . My wife has CBD . She is 36yrs old and we have a 4 yr old son . Although she had some symptoms for over 2 yrs she was just diagnosed last june . The disease has been very progressive and she now lies in a hospital bed unable to speak , walk , laugh , smile , or give us a kiss . Cant wait to bring her home but she continues with a fever . I wish she would have had the strength to speak about her disease the way you are . It really depressed her and she wouldnt talk much about things we needed to discuss . Now i feel i should have pushed harder for her to speak to me about things because now its too late . So thank you for sharing your experience with everyone and being so strong . It truly took my breath away . While I am bitter to be struggling with this disease during what should be my professional peak , the timing could have been so much worse . My children are self - sufficient ( usually ) and I still have time to tie - up my loose ends . This anonymous comment shook me from a place I should not visit very often . A lonely place where the only thing keeping me alive is a suicide clause on a life insurance policy . There was a time when I had no sympathy ( tolerance ) for people that used their " moods " to avoid things like work , confrontation , or me . We 've all heard someone say , " Not now , I 'm not in the mood . " I felt you should have control over something as emotionally based as moods . As I move along this road I am forced to travel , my perspective has changed . My " moods " are taking on an increasingly physical nature . I 'm not sure whether my bad days ( physically ) cause me to be depressed or the other way around . I just know they show up hand in hand , smiling with an evil grin , saying , " We are going to humble you today . " - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - One of my nephews is in town for a visit and he showed some interest in visiting the National Civil Rights Museum located in Memphis , Tennessee . My day off is Tuesday and despite the fact that the museum is closed every Tuesday we decided to drive downtown and visit the site . The museum is built using the actual front of the infamous Lorraine Motel where the assassination of Martin Luther King took place . It was a beautiful day in Memphis and as we drove toward the location my nephew shared his views on the life of MLK . He is about 500 pages through the 700 page Pulitzer Prize winning biography " Bearing The Cross . . . " and is well spoken on the subject . He has visited MLK 's church in Atlanta and childhood home . He found it fitting that as he neared the end of the book that he would stand so near to the spot where Martin 's life ended as his martyrdom began . We parked in the museum parking lot and walked to a spot just below the balcony where this famous black and white photo was taken . It was a somber experience . One that my nephew will always remember . I was glad to share the moment with him . Whenever he recalls the experience he 'll think of me . I walked alone up the hill next to the building from where the fatal shot was fired and snapped a few pictures . One of the good consequences of my " situation " is that I 've become more aware of memory building moments . Those little pieces of time when two people are sharing a common experience , but have profoundly different perspectives . Like the time , as a lad of twelve , I helped my grandfather roof a tin storage shed . He probably would not recall even roofing the shed but I remember how he skillfully hammered the nails , how he carefully taught me how to safely handle the sheet metal , and how he smelled as we sat on the tailgate of his truck parked in the shade of a giant oak eating our well deserved lunch . Trying to see the changes that are happening to me , both physically and emotionally , through the eyes of others is difficult . We are sharing a common experience but have profouPosted by It was a breezy sunny day when the six us arrived at Autozone Park to enjoy an afternoon of minor league baseball . The park is arguably the finest place to watch baseball below the major league level and I feel truly at home among the enthusiastic fans . My company does significant business with Autozone and as G . M . they often perk me with some nice tickets and yesterday we sat first row , behind the home dugout , just down the third base line . Sweet ! I had a really nice time , despite the home team loss , and even felt healthy as the walk from parking was easier for me than my late - seventies year old parents . At least until about the sixth inning . Needing a little bladder comfort therapy I rose to make a trip to the facilities and naturally asked if I could get anyone something from the concessions . Unfortunately orders were placed . As I stood in line to place a small order for drinks and hot dogs I began to worry about being able to handle the money , pick - up the order , and put the desired condiments on the dogs . As I neared the front of the line my right leg began its customary nervous quiver . The quiver ( tremor ) is hardly visible but it is terribly disconcerting and makes it difficult to make quick decisions as a great deal of brain power is being used to keep the strongest muscles in my body from breaking into a one - legged Celtic jig . Thinking ahead I paid with the biggest bill I had to avoid fumbling with money , placed my order ( skipping myself because I , by now , had lost my appetite ) , and managed to precariously stack the two drinks and two hot dogs , carrying with my left hand and steadying with my now slightly trembling right . I made it to the nearby condiment table , unstacked , and added mustard and pickles to the dogs . Restacked the order and began my journey from the top steps all the way down to the front row ( see video above ) . Now despite your expectations that this all ended in disaster . . . . it didn 't . I delivered the goods and plopped satisfactorily into my seat . ( albeit now hungry ) . A day at the ballpark is greatPosted by Based on scientific cosmological observations , the known Universe is estimated to be 13 . 75 billion years old ( plus or minus . 17 billion years ) . The Earth is only 4 . 54 billion years old and the Sun cranked up about 30 million years earlier . It took 800 million years for the first living cells to form on the earth . There have been multi - celled creatures on the Earth for 1 billion years and simple animals for a brief 600 million years . Mammals have been shedding hair for 200 million years and birds have existed for 150 million years . Dinosaurs gave the planet up 65 million years ago . Human ancestors ( genus Homo ) first appeared 2 . 5 million years ago and man as he appears today made his entrance 200 , 000 years ago . The Christian religion has existed for 1 , 977 years . I have been breathing for a minuscule 58 years . How funny is it that we give such importance to our personal existence when in the relation to cosmological time our entire species has not existed but milliseconds ? Don 't even get me to talking about space and our relative size . Being a science nut for as long as I can remember , I have always struggled to find meaning in my existence knowing my time here is short . Truly , my existence would have been nothing without love , family , and friends . We don 't exist except for the impact we have on other lives . " If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it , does it make a sound ? " The philosophical extrapolation of that question is " If a person lives and no one is impacted by his / her actions , did he / she ever exist ? " I say no . As I try to find peace in my short time left I am confident that I " existed . " I loved a wonderful woman who gave me my son . I became a " Dad " for two children who likely would have grown up without one . I heard my father say , " I 'm so proud of you " and my mother look at me as if I could part the sea . There is so much more ! I have lived ! I am at peace . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - If there is a message in this post it would be to encourage you to tell the people who have impacPosted by Through my tears I sobbed , " It 's happening so fast . " I had a particularly rough day Thursday . I knew from the moment I woke up that something was wrong . While I have days where my right side motor skills are troublesome , Thursday they were like my wiring was short circuited . I guess in a purely medical sense , it is . I struggled to shower and dress for work , gimped my way to the car , and drove to work . My leg muscles tighten when I 'm at rest and after my 30 minute commute I almost fell exiting the car . I managed to put my ten hours in productively and drive home . Superwoman met me at the door and ask me how my day was . That opened the floodgates . I had spent the day steeling myself against the pain and swirling emotions , but now the dam broke . " It 's happening so fast , " I said to her tearfully . I felt so guilty for letting her see me that way . Even though it has been a two year process it still seems like yesterday that I 'd spend Sunday afternoon on a 60 mile bike ride . It 's happening so fast ! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Spring is roaring into the mid - south ( of the USA for my off - shore friends ) with clear skies and warm temperatures . Daylight Savings Time now allows me to leave work before dark ( 7 PM ) and the light lifts my spirits a bit . Trees are blooming in my backyard . I remember planting them as saplings . It seems like last week . I also just noticed my sentences are getting shorter . What 's up with that ? I bought myself a toy a while back that is great for bird " listening . " I take a walk with my dog into my trails and sit on a bench that sits under a large pine tree and just listen . At first the birds are screaming alarms and threats as we enter their territory . Slowly , as I sit motionless , the clamor changes to the songs of spring . Mating calls and territorial announcements abound . My listening device brings many unseen birds into view , at least in my mind 's eye . Far off crows protesting an owl 's presence , high - flying red - tailed hawks screeching to warn off potential interlopers , and mockingbirds reaching for every possible song never repeating a verse . It is peaceful . I sometimes let my mind leak to thoughts of " the end . " I hope it comes on a spring day as I listen to birds . When I had my last cycling crash , during a 150 mile Multiple Sclerosis fundraiser , I damaged my right shoulder and had a bunch of " road rash . " That was September , 2007 . A year later I was diagnosed with CBGD , right side specific . In the ensuing months my right hand and arm have become club - like and increasingly rigid . Normal for Corticobasal Ganglionic Degeneration . A debilitating side - effect has been the development of a " frozen shoulder . " It is a very painful syndrome and seems to be worsening as my right side becomes more rigid . I think my CBGD would be tolerable if this source of constant pain could be managed . I 've had regular cortisone injections and they help for a week or two but the shots are painful in their own right . My doctor has prescribed pain medicine but I 've been avoiding them until I can no longer stand the pain . That time is near and I 'm fearful of the line I 'm about to cross . Posted by Through this blog I have found a support group of sorts , many of whom either have CBGD or know someone who has it . This illness ( syndrome , disease , pain in the ass ) does not limit its effects to the victim ( patient , sufferer , babe in the woods ) . Many people are touched in many different ways and respond in equally different ways . Some go the route of denial . Choosing to ignore the progression of the handicaps . Others become worried caregivers . Trying to do too much at the expense of their own well - being . Then there people like the friends and relatives of Kel . Kel 's wife , Karla , stumbled upon my blog while looking for answers about the issues Kel and I share . She has been a regular reader and commenter and recently told me about a The Kel On Wheels benefit bike ride . Love of cycling is another thing Kel and I share and if I could I would be there on July 17 . But alas , I can 't , but some of you could . If you can 't make the ride how about Sponsoring Karla . This is a rare malady and therefore doesn 't draw the big research dollars that are needed to help or even cure us . Every little bit helps . Thanks ! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Coming soon , Springtime ! ( version 2010 ) Superwoman and I enjoyed our San Diego trip . . . . . for the most part . She was held back a bit by my limitations and I was intermittently very happy and overwhelmingly melancholy . I was born in San Diego and spent many very happy years there . I 've traveled a bit and still believe it is one of the earth 's beautiful cities . Chances are very large that I 'll never see it again . The primary purpose of the trip was to visit my sister and brother and their families but it morphed into me visiting some of my favorite places , evoking emotional upheavals , then trying to contain the waves of sadness knowing I would never lay eyes on them again . The San Diego Zoo , where no matter how old you are you can always find a sense of wonder and amazement at nature 's diversity . In a time gone by I 'd walk the miles of trails until the Zoo closed and then sit outside the fences well past dark to listen to the howls and screeches that a typical Zoo visitor never experiences . The Ocean Beach Pier that extends so far out into the ocean that the sound of the breaking surf is a distant whisper . Years ago I would use fishing as an excuse to escape to that place where salty tears mix easily with ocean spray . There was an understanding among the characters that fished the deep waters that we were all casting more than bait into the vastness . Vietnamese families fishing for food hoped that the place somehow offered security . Mexican men laughing away their burdens as they sipped warm beer from cups as there was no alcohol allowed . We would quietly stare into the water waiting for the tug of some creature . There would be bursts of energy when someone hooked a stray mackerel , attracting the stares of pier - walkers and the short - lived admiration of other fishermen . Then quiet would return , allowing waves of unwelcome introspection . Hours after sunset I would walk the long pier back to the beach . Each step bringing the sound of the breaking surf ever louder and reality ever closer . There was always a lightening of burdens as if each cast of my line was throwPosted by Recently , on top of my growing loss of right side motor skills , I have noticed blurred vision in my right eye . I have enjoyed near perfect eyesight until I hit 50 years old , then I began to require reading glasses . This new development is not a total surprise as most literature on CBGD includes references to vision problems . There are references to a bunch of other maladies too . I 'm going to have so much fun ( he says with his best tone of sarcasm ) ! On a good note : I am taking a much needed vacation tomorrow . Superwoman and I are going to San Diego to visit my brother and sister and spend sometime exploring my old hometown . Sunshine and sea air is a great antidote . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - When I started this blog I envisioned writing a steady stream of prose about the physical and mental aspects of this rare " illness . " Then , near the end , I imagined signing off with a moving tribute to those around me who gave me strength and then a hardy " Hi Oh Silver " as I road off into the sunset . The truth is , as my corticalbasal brain regions , controlling motor functions , dies it is taking with it my initiative to do a lot of things . I 've never been a lazy man . I wanted to be but couldn 't find the time . Last year I wrote about grief . In that post I said I couldn 't seem to get to the " angry " phase . That is changing . I try to accept the cards that have been dealt me , but damn , what a crappy hand . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - PARDON MY RAMBLING BUT THAT SEEMS TO BE ALL I HAVE TODAY . I 've started at least three separate posts over the last few weeks , only to become disgusted with myself for being so negative . I certainly have loads of good in my life and should count my blessings . Ironically my math skills seem to be slipping away , making counting more difficult . We had a bit of an ice storm recently . I spun out my company Jeep and hit a freeway center barrier . I 'm basically a one - armed driver now and don 't know if that had any bearing on my ability to avoid the crash . As my condition worsens I worry that perhaps I can 't recognize the impact it is having on my behavior . When do I know it 's time to quit driving , working , living . There is no line in the sand . . . . . . at least not one that I can see . THIS POST WAS WRITTEN IN MID - JANUARY . I ' VE BEEN RELUCTANT TO POST IT BUT SEVERAL COMMENTS CONVINCED ME TO POST ALL MY THOUGHTS , GOOD AND BAD . Monday was my birthday . Unlike last year , I was able to allow some semblance of celebration . I was born the day before my father 's 20th birthday . So as I was growing up we celebrated our birthdays together . One cake . . . . loads of candles . It was gratifying to share cupcakes and pizza with my Dad again this year though it was packed with emotion . My Dad is 78 years old , in poor health , and a career alcoholic . He was a great father . He was attentive , took the job seriously , and we never doubted that he would put his family ahead of all things . He made our childhoods fun and secure even as he worked multiple jobs to make that happen . He was the first in his family to graduate from college at 38 years old , the same year he retired from a twenty year US Navy career . His work history in the newspaper business and as Sports Information Director for local universities coupled with his new degree segued nicely into a second career in professional baseball . He was set to have wonderful life in a job he loved . Life had other ideas . At sixteen , as the oldest son , while my Dad was on a tour of duty in Viet Nam , I was forced to act as the man of the family . My youngest brother was born during my Dad 's sea duty . I left home at nineteen , when my brother was only three , and only returned for visits as he grew up . He took a different path than the rest of us and in many ways exiled himself from the loving support of an ever forgiving family . He reentered my life when my mother had her stroke . It was if he had been training to fulfill the needs my parents now had that I could no longer provide . He was at a place in his life that allowed him to move in with them and care for them . He 's been a lifesaver . Mine ! During the Father / Son birthday celebration my brother gave me a card . Some silly Peanuts card that my Mom probably picked out at Walgreen 's , but in it he wrote , " I 'm so sorry I missed the last twenPosted by
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Before I share the most recent addition to the short story that I am writing , I am going to explain what Story Time is to my recent followers . One weekend I was looking through all my old school things and came across a story that I had written when I was eight years old and in second grade . I decided that I wanted to re - write it . The most recent addition to the re - write will always be at the bottom . Once upon a time , there was a haunted house and 10 doors and 10 steps in the first door there was a werewolf . In the second door , there was a mummy . In the third door , Dracula popped out . In the fourth door , bats flew out . In the fifth door , there were ghosts that popped out and said " BOO . " In the sixth door , there was an alien with six eyes . In the seventh door , there was a goblin . In the eighth door , there was a witch and she popped out . In the ninth door , there was a skeleton . In the tenth door , a friendly zombie popped out . Once upon a time , in a deep , dark wood , at the top of a hill , there stood a house . The house was aptly named Hilltop House . The house was very old , and it was impossible to see what color it is because of all the vines that have overtaken it . And because of all the vines , all that could be seen was only portions of the windows , there was enough window showing that you could see in , but just barely . Now , don 't go thinking the house wasn 't in a town because it was . The house was in a town called Fallhaven . Fallhaven was home to 25 known people , it is rumored that non - human folk lives in Hilltop House . Fallhaven had your typical town folk . It had a Mayor , Elias and his wife Eliana , two policemen , Brutus , who was the chief and Connor , there was May , the librarian , Malva the schoolteacher , Quincy , the park manager , Clara , the town clerk , who handled business for the town folk , Raymond , the mailman , Jonny , the store clerk , and Whitman , the gas station man FiFi Whitmire , a seven - year - old with brown skin , claimed to have seen something strange going on in Hilltop House . FiFi lived with her mother Dorothy , her father , Edgar and her two twin brothers Jacob and Bobby who were 9 . Hilltop House could be seen from the third - floor reading nook of the Whitmire house . The Whitmire 's neighbor Margo had two grandchildren , Molly and Edward who FiFi , Bobby , and Jacob played with often . The children would always seem to venture to Hilltop House , though they never dared to go in . It was during these ventures that FiFi would notice the strange things happening . The other children never saw anything , and when FiFi would mention the things that she was seeing , they all seemed to scoff and tell her " it 's all in your head . " FiFi knew that it wasn 't all in her head . When it was time for the children to go home , which was when the street lights got turned on , FiFi didn 't go home . FiFi went to see Addie for some tea and cookies , the other neighbor of the Whitmire 's , she also had brown skin like the Whitmire 's . Addie was 25 and like an older sister to FiFi . FiFi said to Addie , " I 've seen strange things happening at Hilltop House , and the other 's think I 'm ridiculous . " Addie told her , " You 're not ridiculous , I 've seen strange things too . " This was reassuring to FiFi , as she wasn 't the only one who thought something strange was going on . It was getting late , and Addie said to FiFi , " I 'll walk you home , and we can tell your parents what has been going on . " " Okay , " FiFi said . When Addie and FiFi got back to the Whitmire residence , Fifi said to her mother and father , " I have seen strange things going on at Hilltop House , Addie has too . " " Is this true ? " asked Dorothy . FiFi and Addie both said at the , " yes , it is true . " Dorothy and Edgar looked very puzzled . Edgar and Dorothy thought about what to do before Edgar had to go to work . They decided that it would be best to keep what FiFi and Addie told them a secret for the time being . This was decided when the children were at school . It was also decided that the children could still play around Hilltop House . When the children got home from school , Dorothy Asked , " What did you learn today ? " FiFi answered , " Malva taught us some simple multiplication and she also told us a story about how Hilltop House is haunted . " Bobby , Jacob , Molly , and Edward all said " Hilltop House is not haunted , " Dorothy looked at them with a very puzzled look on her face . She could not wait until Edgar got home to tell him what his sons and friends had said . Edgar works at the little town market in town helping out Jonny for a few hours on the days that Dorothy isn 't working at the library along with May . Someone is always home with the children . When Edgar arrived home , Dorothy told him what the kids had learned at school and then said to him , " Malva told the children a story that Hilltop House is haunted . " Edgar asked what the children said . Dorothy said to him , " FiFi told me about school , Bobby , Jacob , Molly and Edward said , " Hilltop House is not haunted . " " Edgar remembered what FiFi and Addie had told him about seeing strange things . The next day , which was a Tuesday Edgar and Dorothy sat FiFi , the twins , Molly and Edward down after they all got home from school . Dorothy and Edgar decided to take the day off from work to discuss the best way to approach the children about the situation . Dorothy and Edgar said to the twins , Molly and Edward " you need to stop saying that FiFi is ridiculous , and telling her that it 's all in her head . FiFi isn 't the only one who has seen strange things going on at Hilltop House . " The twins , Molly and Edward looked at Edgar and Dorothy and said in unison , " what ? ! " Dorothy and Edgar replied , " Yup , there is someone else who has seen the same strange things that FiFi has seen , our neighbor , Addie . " The kids , excluding FiFi , all looked confused . They all apologized to FiFi saying , " we 're sorry , and we won 't call you ridiculous again , but how come only you and Addie can see strange things ? " FiFi said , " I don 't know , maybe there are others in town , or maybe Addie and I have some special magical abilities that we don 't know about . " Wednesday at school , after avoiding her for a while , FiFi decided to tell June , her best friend what was going on . June had brown skin just like the Whitman 's and Addie . June said , " I 've actually seen strange things going on around Hilltop House too , you and Addie aren 't the only ones . " This made FiFi feel a little better about the whole thing . FiFi started thinking if she , Addie and June were the only ones , or if there were others . FiFi got home from school and both Dorothy and Edgar were home , she said to them " I want to tell the townspeople what has been going on . I told June today and she told me that she has seen things too . I want to know if there are others . " Dorothy and Edgar looked at their daughter and took in what she said . They 've been thinking about telling the other townspeople for a while but were waiting for the right time . FiFi 's words when she got home from school , that she wanted to tell the townspeople , they knew that it was the right time . Before the townspeople were told , Dorothy and Edgar had to decide when they were going to have Elias and Eliana over for dinner to let them know what FiFi had told them and what she wanted to do . Dorothy said to Edgar , " It appears that FiFi is wise beyond her years , and I think she should tell the townspeople and not us . " Dorothy called Elias , the mayor and invited him and his wife Eliana over for dinner Friday night , and of course , they accepted . She didn 't tell him or Eliana why , though . Dorothy said to FiFi " Elias and Eliana are coming over for dinner Friday night , and I know you want to tell the townspeople what has been going on . " FiFi had an excited look on her face , yet she was still a little apprehensive . A few days had passed and it was finally Friday night . The Mayor and his wife had arrived at the Whitmire 's house waiting to hear FiFi 's story . Although , it wasn 't really a story it was more of something that FiFi has been experiencing . Dorothy , Edgar , and FiFi heard a knock on the door , and FiFi went to welcome Elias and Eliana with a warm , but nervous smile and brought showed them to the living room . Jacob and Bobby were at Margo 's house playing with Molly and Edward just for dinner time . Dorothy and Edgar didn 't want Jacob and Bobby interrupting FiFi while she was telling the Mayor and his wife about what she has been experiencing . While in the living room , Elias said to FiFi " what is it that you would like to tell Eliana and me ? We will not judge you . " At first , FiFi was nervous , but then she realized that Elias and Eliana could find a solution to what had been going on . FiFi replied , " well , whenever I 'm playing up by Hilltop House I can see strange things going on in the windows , and I always want to investigate more . My brothers and some of my friends have said I 'm being ridiculous , but I 'm not the only one who has seen strange things . " Elias looked at FiFi and said to her , " I 'm very proud of you for telling us this , I know it wasn 't the easiest thing to do . I also know that the grounds around Hilltop House are a very popular place for you and your friends to play because of all the space to run around . I don 't think you or anybody else is in danger by continuing to play there . At this very excitedly FiFi replied , " It makes me happy that I can still play there , not only do I love the amount of space , but I really love the mystery surrounding the House . I 've been tempted on more than one occasion to go inside the house . " This frightened Elias a bit because the strange things at Hilltop have yet to be discovered . His main concern of the town is keeping it safe from whatever may possibly be lurking in the house . Elias said to Eliana , FiFi , Dorothy , and Edgar , " I think we should have a special town meeting , and I would love it if FiFi gathered the others who have seen the strange things too and possibly tell the townspeople what they have seen and experienced . " FiFi replied nervously , " I don 't want the townspeople to call me ridiculous like my brothers and our friends did . I don 't know if the townspeople will listen to me , I 'm only seven . " Elias understood why FiFi was nervous about speaking in front of the townspeople and said to her , " you have nothing to worry about , I think people will be more likely to listen to you because of your age . I am also hoping that a few more people will say that they have seen strange things too . " FiFi felt more reassured after Elias had told her this , she even asked , " Mr . Mayor Sir , if more people come forward , can I go explore the area more and go inside the house ? I would knock on the front door first . " Elias knew that she was very curious about the house and the possible inhabitants and he said to her , " I don 't see any reason why you shouldn 't go inside the house . " FiFi was very excited about this and thanked Elias for allowing her to explore Hilltop House . After the dinner with Elias and Eliana , It was decided that FiFi would tell people what was going on at the next town meeting , which was always held on Tuesday nights . The whole weekend and even Monday after school , FiFi prepared what she was going to say to the townspeople at the town meeting . She was no longer as nervous as she had been . Tuesday came and Malva decided not to give the students any homework as she wanted them to go to town meeting . Malva said to them , " even though you are young children , it is important that you learn things about the town , as you guys are the future of it . The things that are discussed at town meeting affect you guys too . " There were all kinds of hootin and hollerin from the kids , as they were very excited to not have any homework . The kids were also excited because Malva said to them , " after recess you can all go home . " The Whitmire 's arrived at the library , as Fallhaven was a small town , all Town Meetings were held at the library . There was a table at the front of the conference room with seats for Elias , Jonny , Connor , FiFi , Addie , and June . Elias said to FiFi , " just tell the townspeople what you told me and everything will be fine . " FiFi said to him , " I 'll be fine ! " Although FiFi was nervous , she had her best friend sitting next to her , and Addie who was like an older sister to her there too , so it calmed her nerves a bit . Elias introduced FiFi , Addie , and June and said to the townspeople , " please listen to FiFi , Addie , and June . " FiFi spoke first and said , " when playing around Hilltop House I often see strange things in the windows , like a ghost and other creatures . Seeing these things doesn 't scare me , it makes me curious , and it makes me want to go inside to see what is in there . " At hearing this , the townspeople started to whisper amongst themselves . Quincy the park manager said , " I 've been up there , and I don 't see anything that is dangerous about Hilltop or Hilltop house . It is merely an old abandoned house on a hill with ample space to play . " At hearing Quincy 's words , FiFi was happy , as she loved playing on the Hilltop House grounds . The people of the town started to whisper amongst themselves again . Clara , the town clerk decided that all the whispering was enough , and she took it upon herself to quiet everyone down . Once , everyone , was quiet Clara said , " I have seen things up at Hilltop House too . " This came as a surprise to everyone . Clara was only the second adult to come forward about seeing things . Everyone upon hearing this was more curious than anything . Not too many people ventured up to Hilltop because of rumors that there was non - human folk that takes residence in Hilltop House . After much discussion , it was decided that FiFi , June , and Addie would be able to go inside the house on Hilltop and report what they found . Upon hearing this FiFi said , " I 'm really excited to finally go into the house that I 've been curious about for the longest time . I 'm not even scared or anything . " FiFi , June , and Addie made a plan of when they would go , they decided it would be best to go when there weren 't too many kids playing on Hilltop , it was the most popular area to play in Fallhaven because of the mystery surrounding it . It was the Saturday after the town meeting , it was rainy so kids wouldn 't be playing at Hilltop . While the kids couldn 't play at Hilltop because of the rain , and rain created mud , they found something else to do . Jacob , Bobby , Molly , Edward , Keenan , and Noah decided that they wanted to go to the library , and that is what they did . Dorothy , Edgar , Margo , Joseph and Mona , who are June , Keenan , and Noah 's parents decided to go to the library as well and use one of the conference rooms to have a parents meeting , and discuss what to do about the kids playing around Hilltop and Hilltop House depending on what was discovered . While the other kids were reading books at the library , and the parents were discussing parental things , it was the perfect day for FiFi , Addie , and June to finally go inside the house . Brutus , the police chief , Clara , the town manager , and Quincy the park manager would also be going to Hilltop , although they won 't be going into the house , they 're just going to make sure the girls stay safe . All reports of what was found would be delivered to Clara . The girls were excited , but FiFi was the most excited out of everyone . FiFi said to Addie , and June , " I can 't believe I 'm finally going inside Hilltop House , I 'm really curious as to what we 're going to find . " Addie and June were curious too , but they were a little more nervous than excited . Addie said to June , " should we give FiFi the honors of being the one to open the door , seeing as she is the one who first told people she saw things ? " June replied , " Yes , we should let her have the honors . " FiFi walked up the 10 steps to the door and opened it . She just stood in the doorway in awe at the inside of Hilltop House . There was another set of 10 steps inside the house leading up to a second floor . It was sparkling clean like someone had been taking care of it . FiFi gestured for June , and Addie to come inside . They all stood together . June said , " I didn 't expect it to look this nice inside , " Addie replied , " I didn 't either . " To the girls ' disappointment , they didn 't see or hear anything strange , but that didn 't mean there was nothing there , for the three of them had all seen things . They walked around a bit and discovered that there were six doors , they looked up at the second floor and discovered that the second floor had four . FiFi said , " There 's only three of us , how are we going to split up how many doors we each open ? " June and Addie replied , " That 's a really good question . " Addie said , " I have an idea since you FiFi were the first one to really say anything about the house , how about you open the six doors downstairs , June , and I will take two each upstairs ? " FiFi and June both agreed to this plan . FiFi noticed that there were three doors on the left side of the room , and three on the left . She decided that she was going to start on the left side of the room . As for Addie and June , they couldn 't open their doors until FiFi had opened all of her doors . They had no idea how long it was going to take to open the doors . FiFi cautiously opened the first door and slowly walked into the room , what she found shocked her . For inside the room , was a werewolf that was sleeping , but not deeply . FiFi was curious about the creature , so she slowly walked up to it , and the werewolf woke up , and he himself was startled at the sight of FiFi . No humans have ever wandered into the house . FiFi said , " Hi I 'm FiFi , what 's your name ? " The Werewolf replied , " I 'm Shadow , it 's nice to meet you , I got my name because usually people and other animals could only see my shadow at night . " FiFi was curious as to if the werewolf was a boy or a girl , so she politely asked , " Are you a boy or a girl ? " Shadow replied , " Thank you for asking and not assuming , but I 'm a boy . " Shadow was surprised that FiFi wasn 't afraid of his appearance . FiFi explained , " as myself , siblings , and our friends played on Hilltop , I often saw strange things in the windows , my siblings and friends said I was ridiculous because they never saw anything . And then , I told other people and the others that I told , told me that they too saw things , and it made me feel better . The townspeople allowed us to come inside the house to see what was going on after a long discussion . " Shadow said , " I 'm glad you 've come to open the doors , to see what 's inside . I 'm sure the townspeople are wondering if they should be worried , but because the others and I didn 't like scaring people or being scary we were sent here and found this abandoned house to live in . We 're all self - sufficient and only go out at night . " FiFi replied , " There are others ? " Shadow said , " There are nine more creatures in the house . I 'm very happy to meet you . " FiFi said to shadow , " I 'm happy to meet you too , I need to open the other doors . " Before FiFi went to go open the other doors , she asked , " Shadow , do you ever change your form ? " Shadow said , " No , I haven 't changed in a while , I 'm actually stuck as a werewolf , I don 't mind it . Changing form got to be annoying , so I figured out a way to stay a werewolf . " Shadow was eager for FiFi to open the other doors , and he decided to stay out in the main hall while she opened them . He had seen the main hall in the daytime , but never really stayed out in it too long . Share this : TwitterFacebookLike this : Like Loading . . . CategoriesStory Time TagsBibliophile , Book Blogger , Story Time 2 Replies to " # StoryTime26 " KrystiYAandWine says : June 5 , 2017 at 11 : 25 pm Very happy to see you posting more of your writing ! You 've definitely got a talent worth pursuing . Keep it up !
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I read a few extra books this month to make up for last months slacking . On the Edge of the Woods - Diane TyrrelA Fatal Thaw - Dana StabenowAnswered Prayers - Danielle SteeleBirth : the surprising history of how we are born - Tina CassidyLiquor : a novel - Poppy Z . BriteRamona and her Father - Beverly ClearyThe Printer 's Devil - by Paul BajoriaLakeside Cottage - Susan WiggsOn the Edge of the Woods - Diane TyrrelThis book kind of reminded me of a Victoria Holt book , except set in present day and a little bit earthier . It was an okay read . I got a Victoria Holt book out of the library after reading it though ( see Nov ) and it was much better . I had NO idea how much Victoria Holt wrote . / boggle . Over 200 books ( under different pen names ) - http : / / en . wikipedia . org / wiki / Victoria _ HoltA Fatal Thaw - Dana StabenowI thought I wanted to read a mystery , so I got this . It 's part of a girl detective series set up in remote Alaska . There wasn 't really anything wrong with it , and the details of Alaska life were interesting , but the characters weren 't very compelling and I don 't think I 'll pick up another in this series . Answered Prayers - Danielle SteeleThis book was so lame . How can this woman sell so many books ? It was about a woman with an abusive past , married to a dirtball man , and the book just kept going on and on about how pathetic she was , and how many bad things she 'd been through . Over and over and over again . It would say that her husband was cold , and then repeat it to me so many times I actually felt insulted . Like did she think I couldn 't remember ? L - you could write so much better than this . Birth : the surprising history of how we are born - Tina CassidyThis was non - fiction and I really liked it , and learned a lot of things I never knew . For example , there was a bad time during the Industrial Revolution when a lot of women had rickets ( no sun or fruit ) and their bodies wouldn 't grow and their pelvises were too small to have their babies . I learned about Twilight Sleep and wondered if that 's Posted by It started one day when I was primping in the bathroom at work and saw a glint of something in my hair . Much to my horror , it was a grey hair . And not just a little bit grey at the roots . The entire strand was silvery pale ! I tried to chalk it up to a fluke , but I remained unconvinced . I was hypersensitive about grey hairs . The more I looked , the more I found . All of them completely grey . I thought going grey started at your roots and grew in that way , giving you time to adjust and make decisions . I didn 't know it would invade all at once . Like aliens . I asked my stylist if she thought it looked grey and she asked if I would like " highrights " ( no , I still haven 't found an English speaking stylist - see previous entry ) because they would hide it . Frankly , I didn 't feel like I could trust her . ( See a different previous entry where my eyebrow waxer told me I should wax my lip . ) I finally gave in and bought a box of hair color that I put on myself and no one has seemed to notice , which is good . I 'm only 33 ! I am too young to have grey hair . And even though Lala thinks it 's amusing , and claims that she won 't fight growing old , I dare her to go grey before 40 and see if she doesn 't do something about it . Plus , I just have to say that this week 's Battlestar Galactica was possibly the best ever . I predicted what happened with Starbuck actually , but I still cried . So sad ! But the worst was the beginning . oh man . How do those writers take someone and make me hate them , and then make me like them and then make me cry for them ? Most shows these days ( Lost is an exception ) don 't change your feelings toward the characters . You pretty much feel the same about them from week to week , while still being entertained by their stories . Good job to the writers and actors that have raised the television bar . The paper shredder is safely stashed away under DH 's desk . I didn 't get any catsup packets last week . My latest attempt at quick cooking burned me out . I would make 2 huge meals on Sundays and then heat them up during the week for leftovPosted by If you 've read my blog you 'll see that I 've switched us over to free - range animal meat , and locally raised eggs and beef , and organic products . I 've also been converting to non - toxic , biodegradable cleaners and detergents ( thanks in part to Lahdeeda . Here 's what we 're using - http : / / www . saferforyourhome . com / Let me know if you want to sign up for them so I can get credit ! ) . Then this vegetable oil thing came up . DH kind of started it , nagging me about margarine . I really like margarine on toast . Really like , as in favorite food . He bought this tub of margarine alternative , but it makes the bread soggy on toast or grilled cheese sandwich , and forms a watery looking puddle in a pan if you melt it . I fully intended to stick with my stick of margarine , but finally decided to do some research on it . Apparently there is solid scientific evidence that partially hydrogenated vegetable oil is directly related to heart disease . There are entire countries in Europe that have banned it . NYC is considering banning it from all restaurants and street vendors , etc . Wendy 's has gotten rid of it and so have some other places . This stuff is bad news . I have been aware of " trans fats " and that they 're bad and so I try to buy stuff without them ( excepting my stick margarine ) , but get this - the FDA allows companies to put " 0 Trans Fats " on their labels as long as there is less than . 5 g per serving . So these companies are just making their serving sizes extremely small , but the trans fats are still in the foods ! A lot of trans fats . You have to read the ingredients to find them though . Research shows that even the smallest amounts of these is bad for your heart . There is no minimal healthy amount you can eat . Not only do PHVO 's raise your bad cholesterol , but they lower your good cholesterol . The night I did all this reading I stayed up ' til 3am , going through our pantry and setting out every food that had PHVO 's on the nutritional info . It was in a number of things , here 's where it was mostly - microwave popcorn , cake mixes and frostinPosted by Long enough jeans are something most people take for granted . Try finding jeans with a 36 " inseam in a plus size though ! I wear capris all summer and in the winters I have to wear dress pants or else jeans that are slightly , ( like an inch ) too short . I finally got some long jeans though , and I love going barefoot in them and seeing just my toes peeking out . I could wear a heel with them and it would look right , and I 'm no longer seeing glimpses of my socks when I walk by a full - length mirror . I wore them out shopping on Saturday and it rained . The back of the jeans by my foot got wet from puddles and slapped against my heel . It was uncomfortable , but I was happy about it . I never knew that happened . It 's like a whole new pants world out there now . JuneBlack Dahlia - Nora RobertsThe Giver - Lois LowrySisterhood of the Traveling Pants - Ann BrasharesTangerine - Edward BloorReplay - Sharon CreechBlack Dahlia is typical Nora Roberts , but know that it 's the first of a trilogy . I wish I 'd known . I don 't mind finishing a campy romance , but I 'm not really into committing to a trilogy of it . The Giver was the best book I read in June , and Replay was the worst . Traveling Pants was good . I 'd have liked it at 15 or so . Tangerine was kind of weird but not in a great way . July " B " is for Burglar - Sue GraftonA Great and Terrible Beauty - Libba BrayRebel Angels - Libba BrayOur Man in Havana - Graham Greene " C " is for Corpse - Sue GraftonDH checked out a bunch of the Sue Grafton books on CD and that 's what was in the car , so that 's what I had to listen to on the commute . They are crap . After 3 or 4 books I still don 't care about the characters , the plot devices are totally contrived , and they are very predictable . The 2 Libba Bray books were fun though , kind of goth and dark and Elizabethan and young . The best book this month was Our Man in Havana . It was subtle and funny and made me LOL . August " D " is for Deadbeat - Sue GraftonModesty Blaise - Peter O ' DonnellMy Life on a Plate - India KnightI am sure I read 5 books in August , but I am drawing a blank . Good thing I was ahead for the year already . More Sue Grafton nonsense . I read Modesty Blaise for my book club . It was fun , it was like a woman 007 . My Life on a Plate was one of those britcom mom books , kind of Jennifer Weiner - esque , but edgier . SeptemberHousekeeping - Marilynne RobertsonConfessions of an Ugly Step - sister - Gregory MaguireForestwife - Theresa TomlinsonSpinners - Donna Jo NapoliThe Book of the Lion - Michael CadnumHousekeeping was like an Oprah book or maybe like Snow Falling on Cedars . It had a lot of imagery and beautiful writing , but it was also dark . Its themes were about beauty and abandonment and loss and gypsies . It was kind of haunting , and I 'm not sure if I liked it orPosted by I feel like I 've hit the healthy food jackpot . Food Lion . Can you believe it ? Back in Fairfax the Food Lions were a little scary . They looked old and unswept and wilted . Gangs were hanging out in front of the one we normally went to , and motorcycles raced by outside . We moved out here and were told that the best place to shop is Martin 's ( a spin - off of Giant ) . Apparently it 's popular because it . . . has an olive bar ? because it . . . * thinks * um , has a lot of kid push / truck carts ? Probably because it serves coffee ? I don 't know . I hate it . It 's always totally crowded on weekends , and all of the organic foods are mixed in with everything else , so I have to shop the whole store to get what I want . Did I mention we 've switched to organic ? All organic dairy products ( cheese can be hard to find ) , humane raised meat for the most part , and organic fruits / vegetables unless they have thick skin that you discard like oranges and bananas . It 's more expensive , but we eat less of it . Like I don 't just dump cheese on things because I know it cost like triple what regular cheese cost . We also eat out a lot too , and then all bets are off . Anyway , so 2 weekends ago I went to Food Lion to find something Martin 's didn 't have ( distilled water ) and voila ! What is this ? A whole section of organic items ! Including cleaning and beauty products , and even the freezer and refrigerator items ! Wait , it gets better - so I went back this week and found free range , organic chicken breasts in the meat department ! * faints * I just haven 't been able to bring myself to buy chicken since I found out about the animal cruelty , so we 've just been avoiding chicken ( much to the dismay of DH ) . I was going to buy local chicken , but dealing with a whole , bone - in , skin - on chicken was too daunting , plus I 'd have to go out to a farm an hour away to pick it up . I couldn 't be happier about the Food Lion here . The store is clean and uncrowded , the organic section actually has a little wood floor , the produce looks crisp , and the international section was huge too , and I canPosted by There are three reasons I 'm letting the maid go : 1 - After the first cleaning , she just does surface cleaning . Like , I can spray / wipe the toilet and use a swiffer myself . 2 - She wears totally inappropriate outfits . Last time she was wearing tight jeans and a glittery spaghetti strap tank top and no bra . Good for her that she has a nice body , but when she is so blatant it makes me question her motives . I could have tolerated the first 2 things a while longer and given her the benefit of the doubt , but the third thing is the real clincher . 3 - After the last time she was here I noticed I was missing some prescription pain killers . I don 't know for sure that she took them , but I know I didn 't finish them and we haven 't had anyone over since the last time I checked the bottle . Also , the bottle was definitely moved during the course of the cleaning , pushed to the back of the top of the fridge and hidden behind some other stuff . I don 't have proof that she took them , but I have too many suspicions to be able to feel comfortable having her over again . I am trying to find a balance between quick cooking and healthy cooking . We usually get home between 7 - 7 : 30 and DD is supposed to be in bed by 8 : 30 . I want to do a family dinner where we all sit down at the table 3 nights / week . Sound impossible ? It probably is . DH and I have both put on weight since we moved out here . I figure it 's the combination of 3 more hrs / day sitting ( commuting ) and more fast food meals ( sadly , eaten in the car during said commute ) . This weekend I browned 3 lbs of ground beef . Last night I used 1 / 3 of it in spaghetti and we can have it for lunch leftovers at work . I put the rest of it in the fridge . Tonight I used it to make tacos for dinner . I made my own taco seasonings with herbs , tomatoes and green peppers that I grew ( recipe to follow ) , and we had wheat tortillas , organic cheese , and local corn . On Wed . I 'm going to use the rest of the meat in beef and bean burritos . It 's a heavily beef week , but I think less variety will make things faster . Next week will be chicken week . Stan Livingston 's Tacoschopped garlic2 tsp curry powder1 tsp each of oregano , garlic salt , onion salt , paprika , chili powderpinch of ground red pepper ( I left that out ) 2 tomatoes , chopped3 / 4 C waterolive oilI added a green pepper chopped up very fineYou add all of that to drained ground beef and let it simmer for a while . Right before I served it I added fresh oregano and cilantro . http : / / www . wholefoodsmarket . com / products / meat - poultry / qualitystandards . htmlFinally , a place to shop for humanely raised meat ! Organics are good and fine , and although I knocked them in a previous post , we actually had already made the switch to organic milk and yogurt ( which imo , if you only switch to one organic thing , it should be milk , and if you only do it for one person in your family , it should be your daughter ) . There are lots of places to buy organic food , but just because something is labelled organic , doesn 't guarantee anything about how the animals were treated . It looks like Whole Foods is setting standards for compassionate treatment of animals , and has plans to do even more . They 're opening a store that I 'll be driving by twice a day on my regular route , woot ! I just hope it doesn 't smell like a health food store . Whenever I walk into one I lose my appetite . I don 't even know what it is , maybe the vitamins ? I 'm also thinking about trying distilled water for a couple of weeks , but I 'm still a little divided on that . I used to write home about all of the embarrassing things that happened to me . My family would like this one - I was putting gas in the car and decided to step over the hose and wave to my daughter in her carseat in the backseat . I cleared one leg , but my back leg hooked on the hose and I started falling . I kept shaking it and raising it to get it loose , but it wouldn 't come free ! So not only am I tripping in a gas station with all these people around , but I 'm also terrified that I 'm going to rip the hose out of the car and spray gas everywhere . At the last second when I realized I was going to fall for reals , that all the leg manipulations weren 't going to free my leg , I saw the luggage rack on top of the car and grabbed for it . I got it ! I held on for dear life , and managed to hang on through my impact with the side of the car . I ended up face flat against the car , dangling from my one arm , foot still caught on the hose . My daughter wasn 't the only one laughing at me . It was okay though - because I had the most embarrassing moment of my life in high school , and I don 't think I will ever top it . I was lined up to get the rebound from the other team 's free throw at a big high school basketball game . I thought I saw her shoot the ball , and started to go into the key . She hadn 't let it go though , and I didn 't want her to get a free shot . I figured if I kept my feet on the floor I could lean in a little and catch myself on my feet a second later when she shot . She never shot the ball . I just slowly . . . slowly . . . fell into the key and landed on my hands . My coach fell off the bench laughing . Everyone in the stands was laughing . They had to stop the game because the refs were laughing . The girl didn 't make her shot because she couldn 't stop laughing . The coach got it on VHS and played it for all his classes . The whole school laughed . At least after all that I don 't get truly embarrassed by things . Tripping at the gas station is so minor . Nothing can top my whole hometown laughing at me . - Not when I forgot to buckle my belt or Posted by I 've been looking for someone to help out with cleaning my house , and last week I finally found a listing on Craigslist by a woman offering cleaning services in my area . I was thrilled ! Living out in the country , I was sure I 'd have to either clean my own bathrooms ( read : have messy bathrooms ) or pay way too much for a professional service . So I called her up and set up an appt . for her to come over and look at our place and give me a quote . I 've had a couple of other experiences with house cleaners . They 're usually immigrants that don 't speak much English and / or are generally unobtrusive , nonthreatening , almost shy . They usually show up in a t - shirt and jeans , don 't say much and get right to work . Well , this new cleaning lady showed up Monday , and . . . Totally Hot . She wore a cleavage shirt and jewelry and she 's tan and has nice hair and a nice bod . She looked and sounded prosperous and educated . She has no kids and probably a very clean house . But here 's the thing - I feel like I should pre - clean for her , because she is too cute to know about our messes . I don 't want someone like that to know how sticky my dining room floor gets after DD spends 2 weeks dropping peaches , cooked carrots and oatmeal on it . This woman is not inconspicuous or anonymous enough to clean houses . She reminds me of the moms in my moms group - the exact women that I don 't want to see that I haven 't dusted since we moved in , and that my bras are hanging up to dry in the laundry room . I still hired her to come over twice a month to do the kitchen and bathrooms , but somehow her hotness has tainted my happiness at finding a maid service . At least for once my frugal DH isn 't complaining about paying someone money to clean for us . ; ) Spontaneous Haircut - This morning I had this one lock ( ? ) of hair that kept falling into my eyes . I couldn 't spray or tease it back . So I CUT IT SHORT . Then I looked at it and was mortified . It looks like I have a normal hairstyle with grown out bangs , except for this crooked short bit right in front ! So I cut more . It 's all right , I guess . No one has said anything , so I don 't think you can really notice it , and at least it 's out of my eyes . The OTHER hair related thing that I forgot to put down yesterday - I went and got my eyebrows waxed yesterday at this place I 've been going to since I moved to Fairfax . I hadn 't gone for a year or two though , eyebrow sleekness not being high on my priority list lately . Anyway , so I laid down on the chair thing and she goes , " Eyebrow and lip ? " ! ! ! ! ! I don 't think I have a ' stache ! UGH . I have to believe that she only said that because she gets more money by terrorizing her customers into thinking they need a lip wax . I wavered for a moment , because what if I have an offensive , caterpillar lip ! ? But then I said no , just eyebrow . I am willing myself to believe that a little bit of blond hair on the corners of my upper lip is not noticeable and that everyone doesn 't think I have a ' stache . We all went to the library the other night . I was watching DD and told DH to get me a good book on CD to listen to . He picked out a campy Nora Roberts romance . My favorite part is on the back it refers to the . . . " Ruggedly Handsome Landscaper " I 've listened to an hour of it so far . It 's exactly what I expected . ; ) We 're also listening to Tuesdays with Morrie , thanks to a recommendation from L . ( I should come up with a nickname . ) She mentioned lying to herself about caffeine . I am so all about that . I am not dieting , but I 've tricked myself into losing 3 lbs . I think genealogy is so neat ! I 've been trying to get more info on DH 's side of the family , but I 'm not very good at researching yet so progress is slow ( okay , there is no progress , I admit ) . Thanks to my religious background , a lot of research has already been done on my own side of the family . After getting bummed out about not finding a lead to DH 's roots in one night , I went to a church website where anyone can load up their family info and after a while I spotted a branch on my dad 's side that took me back 26 generations ! I 'd seen my dad looking at it before but it was fun finding it myself and putting it into my free genealogy software . : ) I traced roots back to Castle Cary , in Somerset England . http : / / en . wikipedia . org / wiki / Castle _ Cary Sounds like my kind of place ! It 's too bad there aren 't any stories about who these ancestors of mine were , or what their lives were like . Part of the path went through an Archdeacon , and part through a woman whose last name was Knight . It 's also really humbling to see how many children died in infancy . There are so many things that you can wonder about a person even if all you know are some names , dates and places ! I wonder who did all of this research ? Here 's where I had the best luck searching , but it might not be effective if you don 't have ( long lost ) relatives uploading info . http : / / www . familysearch . org / Eng / search / frameset _ search . asp ? PAGE = prf / search _ PRF . asp & clear _ form = true Last week I went to dinner with a bunch of other moms that have kids the same age as DD . We met through a hospital group just after our kids were born , We were all first time moms , we were tired , overwhelmed , confused - we bonded . As we figured things ( motherhood ) out , we stopped going to group , but started once a week playgroups . And a summer picnic , a Christmas party , a birthday party for the kids , a book club , and dinners out with just the moms now and then . As I 've gotten to know these women over the past couple of years , I 've realized how dissimilar our lives are . Some work , some don 't . Some have had trouble with their marriages or finances . Most seem to be pretty well off , educated , and have a sense of style . One thing that 's been interesting is getting a glimpse into a more prosperous life - style . It turns out all of the moms still have baby gates up ( except me ) . None of the kids sleep in their parents ' rooms ( except mine ) . They don 't let their children go anywhere in the house unescorted . They certainly wouldn 't let them play alone in a room . I listen to how busy their weekends are with swim lessons , gym classes , sign classes . One of them is having a Latin woman come into their home just to speak spanish to the toddler . Anyway , so here 's the thing . There isn 't anything wrong with what they 're doing . They are happy , they 've got a purpose . They 're friendly and nice to me . Their kids still go through the same phases as mine does . I like them . I guess it 's like taking a peek at a life that I 'll never have . I want DD to have opportunities , but somehow I think that in the end , she will know just as much if not more about the real world if I let her fall off the bed a couple of times and eat non - organic food . I still don 't know if I 'll put her in public school , but she knows how to walk up and down the stairs now on her own , and instead of babyproofing the whole house I 've taught her to what not to touch and now we 're working on obedience . Notwithstanding , I still come away from my encounters with these moms with a fePosted by The paper shredder is back ! It used to be in the ottoman , but it 's been displaced by a whole bunch of seasons of the X - Files . So now it 's just sitting out on the floor next to the ottoman . It could be there a long time . We took DD to Sesame Place this weekend . It was so fun ! She 's a pretty timid kid at heart , which was fairly obvious when we got to the front of the line for the " bug " ride , and we had to shamefully leave without riding , because she was pitching such a fit . This was partly a mistake on our part , since we forgot she is afraid of bugs , and this looked like a giant bug . ; ) Then we saw a man - sized Grover walking around , so we ran over to let her meet him and get a picture . She freaked out , with much scrambling of arms and legs to get as far from Grover as possible . The same thing happened with Ernie a few minutes later , but we did manage to get a picture . There are a few shows in the park , with the life - size characters . We went to a couple of them , and DD stared so seriously at them the whole time . At one point in one of the shows all of the characters ran off - stage for a second , and DD looked worried and said , " Where did they go ? ! " So I * think * she enjoyed the shows , but it was hard to read on her face . So here 's what she really liked - the swimming pools and water stuff . There were a ton of places where the ground sloped directly into a wading pool , and there would be little fountains with squirty water . We spent a lot of time playing in those types of areas with her . Only one place had a toddler sized slide with water running down it . We hit that one first , and were glad , because it looked pretty crowded later that afternoon . She went on a couple of rides with us where you go on an inner tube down a water slide . I think those are so scary ! You 're up so high , and it seems like if you aren 't sitting balanced in the boat it might flip out of the ride . Or like what if you fell out , would a single person fly out ? yikes . DD thought they were pretty scary too . ; ) It was a fantastic day and I would totally go again . Hopefully I can find a swimming place somewhere around here with kiddie wading pool so we can let her do more stuff like that without the drive . As promised , I 'm posting my belated book list . In tracking my books , it 's become totally obvious to me that I find something I like to read and obsess about it until I 've read them all . I had no idea . I mean , I knew that I preferred certain authors , but this is ridiculous . You 'll see what I mean once you get to May . . . April 5 / 5She 's Come Undone - Wally LambSackett - Louis L ' AmourTrail to Peach Meadow Canyon - Louis L ' AmourThe Happiest Toddler on the Block - Harvey KarpSackett 's Land - Louis L ' AmourShe 's Come Undone was SUCH a downer . Nothing went right for the main character . Just when I would think it couldn 't get any worse , it would . And it would be A LOT worse . My biggest pet peeve about it though was the review which said , " [ This book ] whisks you on a wild journey through life with an unforgettable heroine , both heartbreaking and comical . In [ this ] remarkable coming - of - age odyssey , a lonely girl satisfies her cravings for love and happiness with her own unsettling solutions . . . . [ Author ] paints such a realistic picture of a young woman 's inner world that you 'll have trouble convincing yourself he never was a teenaged girl . " Sounds pretty good , huh ? Let me tell you , it was never comical , her cravings for love and happiness were not satisfied , and this is not remotely a realistic picture of the lives of young women . Don 't read this book . I decided to start reading the Sackett books because I was so appalled at the language and content of She 's Come Undone that DD ( dear daughter ) was being exposed to as I listened in the car . Now and then she would repeat a word she recognized like Snake or Food . I read the Sacketts when I was younger and loved them . They 're very good for what they 're trying to be - basically the story of the U . S . 's beginnings as told by 3 families . As a child I liked the history . As an adult I enjoy the author 's storytelling and colorful language . It 's like listening to an old cowboy tell a story . Also , the reader they got to do the recordings is great . The Happiest Toddler on the Block is aPosted by I love our new house . Even now that we 've been doing the commute for 2 months , I would still rather live here than in a tiny condo close to work . I can 't decide what I want to do with the garden . There are only 2 spots that get enough sun to grow vegetables . One 's up by the street , so that 's out . The other is in the backyard and it would take away one of the only flat play areas in the back . All of my plants in pots are doing great though . Having a hose to water them helps so much . I 've got a lot of tomato plants , 3 green peppers , broccoli , spinach , herbs and squash . I forgot to update my book list , and I don 't think I remember them all , but I know I 'm keeping up with the numbers . Thank you Charlaine Harris for writing short books ! : ) I 'll try to do a list soon . DH and I finally found the right way to deal with our daughter 's hitting problem . We set up the playpen in the nursery and she goes in there for time - out . It really works . Time out in a chair or corner wasn 't working . After a few minutes it turned into a time - out issue instead of being a punishment for hitting . We 've been using it for some of her other temper issues and it 's making a big difference . I had a plan too . I bought white eggs , even boiled the whole dozen . I bought an egg coloring kit , candy , plastic eggs . My sister sent Olivia an Easter dress , and I made special trips to buy matching shoes , purse and hair - thing . My husband was sent out late to get a basket for the eggs . I got one of those wind - up chicks that is cute and fuzzy and yellow and hops along . Oh , and I bought pre - mixed cookie dough so we could make sugar cookies . I left the sugar cookie dough out overnight Saturday , so I didn 't dare make those , I didn 't color any eggs with my 1 - year - old who would have loved it . We let her wear her shoes out to eat the night before to Waffle House ( just saying that makes me feel like such a redneck ) and we accidentally left them there , so she had no matching shoes for church . ( She went without , so now hillbilly redneck ) . I didn 't put any of the candy in the plastic eggs , and I didn 't really even hide them , I just took two minutes and scattered them around the deck . There was a little candy , but no Easter dinner . I think we had ravioli 's from a can . And finally , my daughter was irrationally afraid of the wind - up chick . I know there were reasons for all of this but I don 't remember them now . L . if you find a place that will outsource the bunny , hook me up . First off , last time I was at McDonalds I ordered a salad and fries . I tried to limit the number of catsup packets they gave me by asking for TWO packets . Still got a handful . Next time maybe I will take out how many I want and hand back the rest . I can already imagine the look of sheer confusion in their eyes as I wave the catsups in the air between us . I told my DH that I blogged about the paper shredder and he was dismayed and confused . The shredder is now safely hidden away inside the ottoman in the family room . I 'm not exactly sure why that 's a good place for it , but it 's usually out of sight now and I 'm not going to complain . I 'd rather have the blankets out than the shredder . It is really hard to buy meat that comes from happy animals . Companies just don 't advertise how the animals were treated before they got them . With a few exceptions - Chipotle uses free range pork for their carnitas , and Ben and Jerry 's gets their dairy from local farmers . There 's a restaurant up in Tyson 's somewhere that says they use local meat as much as they can . But even the flag " organic " doesn 't mean " humanely treated . " A chicken can be just as miserable and being fed organic corn . I took it a step farther and ordered a side of beef from a local rancher . I am so excited ! We 'll be getting about 86 lbs of beef ( * faints * ) in mid - May ( Walt , if you guys want some , I think we can split some ) . We 're paying a flat rate of $ 3 . 70 / lb and getting a quarter of a steer . That will include about 40 lbs of hamburger , 25 lbs of steak and the rest roasts , ribs , etc . We aren 't going to get the organs because ew . But we could if someone wanted them . The farmer was really nice and glad to get the order . There 's a store in my town that sells Farm Fresh eggs from a local farm . ( you can buy farm fresh eggs at Frying Pan Park too ) . I wish there was a local dairy for fresh milk , but I haven 't found one so far . I also found another place that you can buy farm - raised chickens but I 'm a little more hesitant about that . I ordered 2 , same price as the beef , and Posted by I 've always had the impression that vegetarians are a little off their rockers . Why give up perfectly good food over animal issues that government agencies have under control ? And why spend so much more money on " organic " foods ? Only snobs would do that . I just discovered today that I 'm completely wrong . My DH ( dear husband ) would say , " Everyone in the country knew about this issue but you . " I was innocently browsing some websites about natural gardening and came across a link to www . themeatrix . com . It was on a message board and someone asked if it was true that they really cut the beaks off live chickens . I was completely disbelieving , so I watched it . It 's a very informative , non - gross , non - threatening cartoon . Watch it if you get a minute . After I watched it , I looked at a few more sites . The ones with the real photos . It 's awful . I 'm not a flag - waver or a demonstrator or a protestor . But I did spend a year trapping feral kittens and taming them because I felt so bad for them living outdoors . What " factory farming " does to uncounted farm animals is so far bad beyond that that I can 't even stand to think about it . I haven 't even researched to the part yet about how to avoid giving any of my money to the companies involved in this , but I know I won 't voluntarily buy anything that contributes to them if I can help it . I don 't understand why there isn 't more coverage about this . Is there , and I just didn 't know ? Why doesn 't the government put a stop to it ? I want to go and let all of the baby cows out of crates and take them back to their moms . And I want to let all of the chickens outside and let them have eggs that hatch and turn into little broods of chicks for them . I feel so bad for all of them . Doh ! My boss just walked in and thank goodness I wasn 't crying , but I had to blink a few times before I looked at him . Stupid asshole corporations that give us what we will pay for without telling us the real price . For a while I was thinking they should all get shot , but now I think they deserve the same kind of treatmentPosted by Next time you go through the drive - thru at McDonalds , ask them for one catsup packet . Stress that " one " is all you want . I bet that they 'll give you one handful of catsup packets . I am temporarily off my diet , I admit . Packing up all of my dishes and food for a month made it hard to eat healthy so I fell off the wagon . However , I still just order a small fries at McDonalds if I get fries , and each time I ask for one catsup packet . How much catsup does one small fries need ? I think one packet is perfect , but they never give me just one packet . I ask ( sometimes in spanish , it makes no difference ) and they reach into the catsup packet container and come out with a huge handful of catsups , so huge that the packets are spilling out between their fingers . They carefully reach across the distance to me in my car where I have to accept the catsups in my two cupped hands . Is this a perverse pleasure of fast food workers ? Are they punishing me for eating fast food in their own way by inundating me and my car with catsups ? What can I do with all of those catsups ? Do they think I take them home and squeeze them into my jar of catsup ? Do so many people ask for a handful of catsup that the people that work the window are forced to overcompensate to the rest of us that just want one or two ? Super - size my catsup ? I just want one packet of catsup . I guess I could say no thanks , but then I wouldn 't get any . So , given a choice between a catsup famine and a catsup feast , I guess I 'll choose the handful . Any idea how long the catsup in the packets will stay good in my hot car ? I made a goal this year to read 60 books by the end of the year , and at least 5 books each month . Every month , near the end , I 'll put up a list of the books I 've read that month and maybe a few thoughts about them . Here 's my March list : Dime Store Magic - Kelley ArmstrongIndustrial Magic - Kelley ArmstrongHaunted - Kelley ArmstrongGuilty Pleasures - Anita BlakeDead Until Dark - Charlaine HarrisWolves in Chic Clothing - Carrie Karasyov , Jill KargmanThe first three books I read this month were by the author that wrote the werewolf books I read a few months ago . These were set in the same fantasy type world ( where vampires and werewolves , etc exist ) but had different main characters . We 'd met them in the werewolf books , but in lesser roles . The first two books were about a witch the werewolves helped , and the last was about a ghost in the afterlife , trying to look out for her still living daughter ( who is being cared for by the witch ) . They weren 't anything amazing , but they were good and I enjoyed them . Guilty Pleasures was a dark , noir - type vampire sort - of - mystery book . I thought it was okay , but I hear the series kind of goes downhill and so I 'm not sure if I 'm going to pursue it any more . Dead Until Dark was a lighter - hearted vampire mystery book , set in the south . I liked it , and will probably read more of these when I get time . Wolves in Chic Clothing was my utterly brainless book of the month . I thought it would be sort of " Sex in the City " and I was looking for something to listen to in the car . It was about a girl from California that gets in with a crowd of New York sophisticates , and how selfish and self - centered they are until they finally turn on her . It was all very formulaic and even more shallow than I was expecting . About the only thing the book has going for it is a clever title . Here 's my progress so far : Week 1 : - 2 lbsWeek 2 : - 2 . 6 lbsWeek 3 : - 2 . 2 lbsGo me ! That 's 6 . 8 lbs . The best part is I don 't really feel like I 'm on a diet . I 'm just not denying myself THAT much . To me diets are about starvation , self - deprivation , and cheating . But on WW I have complete control . If I want cheesecake then I can have it , I just have to balance it with the rest of what I eat . There 's a big difference between feeling deprived and feeling in control . Plus , how many diets will let you eat McDonalds for lunch ( well , now and then ) and still lose 2 lbs / week ? I think I 've always approached every meal like it 's my last . Pizza is definitely something I crave that I find challenging to eat in moderation . One thing a friend said has really been a huge help with that . She said that whatever it is will still be there next time I want it , so just wait . Sounds simple , right ? On Saturday we moved a van and a car load of boxes and stuff into storage , and I rearranged the living room furniture , and cleaned it all up . It looked great . So my sweet husband , FIRST THING , goes and dumps a load of clean clothes on the couch . Why ? I have no idea . He never does this . I know some people keep clothes on the couch , but we just don 't . The next day he went and bought a Sunday paper . He never does this either . He took the whole thing apart , cutting out coupons , leaving sections and clippings all over the couch . Why ? It 's a mystery . The NEXT day he decides it 's time to shred documents . IN THE LIVING ROOM . He brings in a trash can , 2 boxes of papers , and the shredder . Need I say more ? I am at a complete loss . I don 't understand . When we move I have been saying that the living room will be off limits to kids and cats . Now I think I 'm going to have to husband - proof it too . If I just don 't put a TV or computer in there , that should do it . Why is it so hard to find a good stylist around here ? Everywhere I go I see salons and barbers and spas , but every one I try ends up being crap . Why can 't I find a decent stylist that speaks fluent English and doesn 't charge an arm and a leg ? What 's the etiquette for walking into a salon and discovering your stylist doesn 't speak English ? Can you say , " Um , I changed my mind , " and then leave ? Is it rude to call and ask to get an appointment with someone that speaks fluent English ? I thought bringing in the pictures of my haircut ( from all angles ) would bridge that gap , but it didn 't . I got the perfect cut in August last year ( while I was home in Idaho ) . The stylist considered my weight , the shape of my face , my neck , my double chin , the texture of my hair . Everything . And guess how much a wash , cut and style cost ? $ 14 . FOURTEEN DOLLARS . I gave her a $ 20 and felt like I was robbing her . I got back to Virginia and the first time I needed a cut I went to a fancy salon . For $ 55 she trimmed maybe a quarter of an inch ( my hair had grown at least half an inch ) , didn 't layer , and didn 't even style it herself . It looked like crap , it needed to be cut again in 3 weeks . Last weekend I went to a Hair Cuttery and got a stylist that barely spoke English , but she looked at my pictures , nodding , smiling , yes yes she can do that . After her first cut she showed me that she 's taking off a quarter inch . Since I 'd already been burned by that once , I told her to make it a tiny bit more . I was clear on this . " Tiny bit more - another quarter inch . " Her next cut took off 2 inches . I swear . 2 inches . My hair didn 't have 2 inches to spare . It 's so short now that not only did my oblivious husband notice I got a cut , but all the guys at work noticed too . Short . Short AND crooked . My hair is doomed . I made a goal this year to read 60 books by the end of the year , and at least 5 books each month . Every month , near the end , I 'll put up a list of the books I 've read that month and maybe a few thoughts about them . Here 's my February list : Stolen - Kelley ArmstrongShakespeare 's Landlord - Charlaine HarrisShakespeare 's Champion - Charlaine HarrisShakespeare 's Christmas - Charlaine HarrisShakespeare 's Trollop - Charlaine HarrisShakespeare 's Counselor - Charlaine HarrisThe Million Dollar Divorce - R . M . JohnsonStolen - Kelley ArmstrongThis is the sequel to Bitten , which I read last month . It 's got more werewolves , more rough sex , more strong female roles . Plus now the author has introduced a new angle . Werewolves aren 't the only supernatural race . We 've got vampires , demons , witches , etc . Joss Whedon would be proud . Lily Bard series of Shakespeare mysteries ( 5 ) - Charlaine HarrisAll right , I 'm not sure if reading 5 mysteries by the same author was what I had in mind when I said 5 books / month . This feels a little like cheating , especially because the books were so short . But February is a short month ! And I really liked the books . Like the werewolf books , these books have a really physically tough female main character . She works out at the gym daily , she 's really good at karate , and she 's hot . Lily has some interesting psychological issues to work through though , and I liked seeing her story unwrap as the books went along . They went a different way than I expected , and it was a good way . I also enjoyed seeing this solitary woman open herself up and make friends , and begin to overcome her personal demons . The Million Dollar Divorce - R . M . JohnsonEvery month I guess I have to read some trashy novel , and this was it for February . This millionaire gets married , wanting a family . His wife puts him off for 3 years and then finds out she can 't have kids because of early menopause ( right when they started trying ) . So he wants to divorce her , but doesn 't want to give her half of the fortune he 's made since they gPosted by Good news ! I am down 4 . 6 lbs in 2 weeks ! That 's 2 lbs the first week , and 2 . 6 the second . If I think about it too much , I think 4 . 6 doesn 't seem like much . I mean , it 's been 2 weeks and I haven 't even lost 5 yet and I 've got sooo much more to go . But then I think - hrm , if I could lose 2 lbs / week for 6 months , I 'd be lookin ' so good ! And hopefully feeling better , and more than half - way to my goal . I need to try to keep in perspective that it 's 4 . 6 lbs less than I weighed 2 weeks ago . A 4 . 6 lbs I probably wouldn 't have lost if I hadn 't joined the program . I made a goal this year to read 60 books by the end of the year , and at least 5 books each month . Every month , near the end , I 'll put up a list of the books I 've read that month and maybe a few thoughts about them . Here 's my January list , a month late . The Red Tent - Anita DiamantThe Historian - Elizabeth KostovaTemptation - Jude DeverauxColdfire - Dean R . KoontzBitten - Kelley ArmstrongThe Red Tent - Anita DiamantWhat I liked most about this book was the sisterhood . I thought about my experiences in childbirth and I wouldn 't have wanted even my own sister in with me while I was laboring , and she 's told me she wouldn 't want me there for her either . I definitely wouldn 't want my mom there . Yet these women were all there for each other , including neighbors , sisters , mothers , daughters . Even though they still fought and had their feuds and disagreements , their female - ness reunited them . It makes me wonder what has changed so much that modern women don 't rely on this sisterhood . Is it because we 're supposed to be independent ? Is it because we are too busy ? I wonder how much more fulfilling my marriage would be if I had close women friends to fill roles that my husband isn 't really cut out for . I was also fascinated by the idea of the women 's cycles all following the moon phases . It seemed like such a great idea to me , and I wondered how I could achieve that synchronicity myself . So I checked the calendar only to find that I * am * in synch with the moon . How amazing is that ? I 've always thought I had an irregular cycle , but ever since I 've been paying attention to the moon ( 3 months now ) , my cycle is a regular 28 day thing , and always starts with the dark of the moon . It makes me feel tied in to something in a way I don 't really understand . But a deep part of me feels a wonder when I look at the moon now , as if I can feel its pull on my own inner tides . The Historian - Elizabeth KostovaI read this for the book club I 'm in at work . I felt the book was teasing me along into the reading , because the action unfoPosted by Okay , I admit , I haven 't been posting any entries . It 's because every time I get an idea of something to write , it seems like it has to do with food . The name of my blog has GRAVY in it for heaven 's sakes ! I don 't want to be the kind of person that can only talk about food , but alas , despite my best intentions to write about strollers or American Girl dolls or belly button rings today , I am about to write about food . I have been in denial about my food obsession , even to myself . Thank goodness I 'm not the woman at the grocery store that has to justify to other people in line or to the checker why she 's buying so much junk food ( " a party " yeah right , or " these are all for my husband " sure . ) If she 's overweight , I don 't believe her . No matter what she might say - they 're all for her . No , instead I am the woman at the grocery store that feels lucky she finally has a wedding ring so that at least people might * think * the junk food is for someone else . My friend told me that 's ridiculous , and people don 't notice what other people buy , but she 's wrong . I notice what 's on the conveyor belt all the time with surreptitious little glances out of the corner of my eye and I size up the person buying it and speculate about their eating habits . If it 's a big person buying junk food I am not surprised . If it 's a big person buying skinny food I automatically think they are just starting a diet . Now if it 's a skinny person buying lots of healthy food , and salad fixings and tofu milk I generally feel guilty about whatever I 'm buying , even if it 's just batteries . As if somehow these batteries are going to be used to make me fatter . So anyway , a couple of weeks ago I started on Weight Watchers , and now instead of obsessing about food , I obsess about how many points the food is worth . My friends went shopping with me for our new healthy food and I didn 't feel self - conscious standing in front of a box of crackers with my points - finding - slider in my hand . I felt powerful . Oh Crackers - I know you for what you are : Full of Points ! I will not Posted by People refer to something good that is additional or unexpected as " gravy . " My husband would disagree though . He thinks gravy is what ties everything together . He makes dishing up a plate on Thanksgiving into an art ( modern art ) . The turkey goes next to the pile of mashed potatoes , which are next to the stuffing and then he unifies it all by smothering it liberally with gravy ( and sprinkling corn on top ) . Every bite he puts on his fork has a little bit of everything in it . Before I met him I was always careful to compartmentalize my Thanksgiving dinner - I 'd dish it up making sure nothing touched , and then eat each side dish completely before moving on to the next . Turkey - here . Corn - there . Stuffing - no thanks . I 'd carefully indent the mashed potatoes to contain all of the gravy , and then eat them last , so that when the reservoir broke and the gravy spilled out , the rest of my food wasn 't contaminated . I would have loved eating Thanksgiving dinner on those plastic plates with the different compartments . Is it progress to not mind when your food touches ? I like to think so . A bite of mashed potatoes really does taste good with a little bit of turkey and corn with it . And I actually like stuffing now that I put some gravy on it . Instead of eating each dish separately , I enjoy the way all of the foods compliment each other , and it 's the gravy that ties it all together . I don 't really have a plan for this blog . In some ways it 's just bonus , something I wasn 't expecting to ever do , but it seems like fun and I hope it will help with my writing . In other ways , I can see it becoming a way to find a common thread in my life , something that will tie together all of the crazy , randomness . Gravy .
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The mess I made in my kitchen ! The tasty finished product ! I was reading one of my favorite cooking magazines the other day ( Eating Well ) and ran across a recipe for meringues . In an odd mood , I decided on a whim I was going to make a batch of vanilla meringues , and while some were a little burnt most of them were delicious and were described as " yummy toasty crispy marshmallows . " The next day I bought more eggs , and made a batch of chocolate cinnamon meringues ( the vanilla ones remained the taste favorites ) . 80 meringues later I realized I might have a new baking addiction , but I was just so surprised at how easy and yummy they are ( and at 8 calories each they 're a pretty awesome snack ! ) . It 's okay though , I can stop making meringues any time I want to , really , I can stop . . . . I just don 't want to ! It 's officially gardening season in our bathroom ! We have grow lights going , and all our seedlings started . This is the first time we 've started them in the bathroom , but this way the hibiscus that 's in the other room doesn 't end up getting bugs from being by the seedlings and grow lights . Plus going to the bathroom is now like going on a tropical vacation since it 's a good 15 degrees warmer in there ! So who cares if we now only have one shower in the house ? Fun facts to know and share : some people who were born on this day are Harper Lee ( a favorite author of mine ) , Jessica Alba , Saddam Hussein , Edward IV ( the King of England at one point , kind of an important man ) , Yves Klein , Jay Leno , former President James Monroe , Terry Pratchett ( I was so excited when I found this out ) turned a day older today . Why do I know this ? Because it 's my birthday today too ! Some other important things that happened on my natal day : 1788 - Maryland became the seventh state to ratify the U . S . Constitution1952 - War with Japan officially ended1967 - Heavyweight boxing champion Muhammad Ali refused to be inducted into the army These are the last two stationary ideas I have kicking around at the moment . The one below is more the direction I think I 'll go in initially since it was this concept that made me want to play around with note cards in the first place ( the banner at the top of the blog is another example of this theme ) . And now , since I spent nine and a half hours driving today , I am going to make a quesadilla , pour a glass of wine , and become a zombie ! Notecard Image : IndiaThis is one of my favorites so far . A picture taken of the " Christ Flower " in Kerala , India , I then altered the photo in photo shop , much like what I did with the other photos . For the original picture go here . Notecard Image : LupineThis would have to be my second favorite in the floral theme , something about this and the photo before it just had a better quality and a simpler composition . The original photo can be found at this post . Notecard Image : Hydrangea This image is of a hydrangea in our yard but I had a hard time working with it and am not yet completely satisfied with the result . Notecard Image : BrnoTaken at an art exhibit in Brno that also had an inside greenhouse , this image is very different than anything else I 've created and I 'm not yet sure what to think about it . Since I 'm just starting with this and toying with the idea of turning these into stationary , any and all feedback is greatly welcomed ! Growing up in a two hundred year old house perched on a hill overlooking the dock in Southwest Harbor , I was never too far from the ocean . Climbing up to the third story , we could look out to see it snowing in the harbor , or a lobster man unloading his catch . The best though was sitting on the back porch on an early summer morning and smelling the ocean as the breeze wafted up from the water . Smell always carries such strong memories with it and the smell of the ocean is no different for me . Since I now live inland I miss out on that crisp , salty scent every morning and I relish it whenever I get to be near it again . As someone who grew up so close to the sea ( and often in it as well ) I am always dumbfounded when I find out that a friend or acquaintance of mine has never dipped a toe in the Atlantic , or even seen it ! I guess all my time spent looking out at the ocean should help make up for all the poor people born inland or in the Midwest who aren 't lucky enough to grow up with the ocean in their backyard . Posted by Like the earlier picture of the lupine , this photo was taken at Rhodes Park in Southwest Harbor . The garden is maintained primarily by volunteers and also functions as a butterfly refuge . With a gorgeous view of the causeway and huge marble slabs to sit on it makes an ideal picnic spot . Right near where this photo was taken is the site of an iconic MDI image , the little white footbridge that goes over a small pond there . For whatever reason that bridge graces about a third of the postcards that I see from MDI . I find it a little funny that it 's so popular because if you turn your back to the bridge you get to see this view instead , which I find to be much more lovely ! I know the image quality isn 't great , but it 's the only picture I have of me in this gorgeous Spanish themed Russian tutu ( Russian means it 's the shorter style as opposed to the longer ones that are called romantic tutus , this could also be called a classical " pancake " tutu although the layers are a little heavier than is traditional ) that I helped make . My first three years of undergrad I worked in the costume shop at my university so I got to make lots of costumes ( I 'm apparently a wiz at sewing glitter on and constructing the bodices ) . I just found this picture on my computer and got all nostalgic about how much fun it is to construct a gorgeous tutu ! This photo was taken at the Rhodes Park butterfly garden in Southwest Harbor . Lupines forever remind me of one of my favorite children 's books ( and I 've read a lot of them so it 's hard to choose ! ) Miss Rumphius by Barbara Cooney . The story follows a young girl , Alice , who decides that she wants to do three things in her life 1 . travel the world 2 . live in a house by the sea and 3 . she must do something to make the world a more beautiful place . After travelling to all kinds of exotic locations , working as a librarian ( can you see why this book resonates with me ? ) and retiring in her little house by the sea , she still needs to find something to make the world a more beautiful place . After having to spend a winter in bed due to a back injury , she looks out her window to see lupines that have self started around her house . Inspired by the joy she feels at seeing the flowers she decides to make her town more beautiful by spreading lupine seeds all throughout the town and she becomes " the Lupine Lady . " The story ends with Alice telling a young child that they too must do something to make the world a more beautiful place . Does it get better than that for children 's books ? A beautiful window box at an estate that my mom , older sister and I used to do gardening and landscaping for . Fitting for a beautiful spring day in Maine . . . a trip to the beach and a beautiful window basket . Does it matter that it 's still WAY too cold in the ocean ? Or that this window box is a mid - summer photo ? No , of course it doesn 't matter , gives us something to look forward to ! Now I must go and enjoy this beautiful weather by going for a run ( before I lose motivation and decide to enjoy the weather by lounging outside ) . Photo from Bass Harbor . First let me thank Nicole from Art and Aioli for tagging me for a meme . Definitely check out her blog but I should warn you that it will make you very hungry and you 'll want to play hookie from work or school to spend the whole day trying out some of her recipes ( don 't say I didn 't warn you ) ! Rules ( please notice my utmost compliance ! ) 1 . Write your own six - word memoir . 2 . Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you 'd like . 3 . Link to the person who tagged you in your post . 4 . Tag five or six ( choice is yours ) more blogs with links . 5 . Remember to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play . Here are my six words , and since I am a very visual person , I 'm including some photos that I enjoy or that show a different side of me . QuirkyFeistyCreative Loving Introspective Optimistic An example of creativity , this also illustrates what I spent most of my free time on during my undergrad years . While dance and photography are my primary artistic endeavors I also have one painting that I did a year ago that my mother keeps trying to steal ( she moved it out of my room and into the living room when I was gone one day ) . My boyfriend definitely brings out my silly quirky side and we have whole folders worth of pictures of us acting like fools ( in case you were wondering I am actually fairly tall , my boyfriend just happens to be 6 ' 4 " which makes me a shrimp in comparison ) . And here are some things that you might not know from reading my posts . . . 1 . I am amazingly good at doing imitations and accents ( maybe I should work on some modesty , hehe ) . While I greatly enjoy talking in silly voices to amuse friends and family , sometimes I find myself picking up other peoples accents while talking to them , this is not always well received . 2 . My voice apparently sounds like the character Phoebe on Friends ( a show I am obsessed with , along with Grey 's Anatomy where I would have to say I have the most in common with Izzie ) . 3 . I am a dancer ( mostly ballet although the photo above is from a lyrical piece I choreogPosted by Happy Friday ! This is the Bass Harbor Head light , the picture from yesterday shows the cliffs that it overlooks . Growing up we had some wonderful neighbors including an older woman named Ginny who would let my sister and I come over and just sit and eat candy with her . My father even built a little bridge to go over the creek between the two houses because of how often I would toddle over there . I also apparently used to just sit and chatter away to her husband Al while he harvested dandelion greens ( my father teases me saying he was the only person who could stand all my talking since he was almost completely deaf ) . I 'm remembering Ginny in this post however because when she was a little girl her family was stationed on one of the small island lighthouses . Unlike some of the beacons that are on the coast and accessible all year round , she and her sisters grew up on an island the size of a large house that would become very treacherous to reach during the winter and storms . Sitting and listening to her stories my eyes would get wide and I would be so caught up in the narrative that I would even forget whatever sweet was in my hand . Photo taken on the " Quiet side " of the Island at Bass Harbor lighthouse , taken in the summer of 2002 . I got up early this morning to take my Mom to the airport ( she is going to Greece by way of Vienna and yes , I am burning with jealousy ! ) and decided that since my schedule of upcoming events is completely arbitrary I am going to start the Mount Desert Island goodness early . For a little background information on the island . . . My family and I moved to MDI when I was two and lived in Southwest Harbor which is in the " Quiet side " of the island . During high school my Mom and I moved to southern Maine at the same time that my older sister went to college . The pictures I 'll be sharing on the blog were taken during my junior year of high school when I drove back to the island to do a photography assignment . Now to set some things straight : 1 . While it is spelt D - e - s - e - r - t it is pronounced like D - e - s - s - e - r - t ( visitors who try to correct natives on how it is pronounced will not be well received ! ) 2 . The national park that has a great deal of land on the island is Acadia , not Arcadia3 . If you are visiting Mount Desert Island , know that 's where you are going ( you would be surprised the number of times people have told me that they have not visited the island but they have stayed in Bar Harbor , since Bar Harbor happens to be ON Mount Desert Island this just makes them sound a little ignorant ) 4 . Under no circumstances should you attempt to speak in a horrendous Maine accent , nor should you insist on calling it " Bah Hahbah " ( no one will find this amusing , except for perhaps you and it is guaranteed to get you bad service and icy looks wherever you go ) 5 . If you make it to MDI , enjoy it because you will be in one of the most beautiful places in America ! ! Photo credit goes to my grandfather , Boppo , who took this picture from the deck of Jones ' Landing where Mom and Tom had their wedding reception . Every year we have to say goodbye to Peaks , pack up all our stuff , load up the truck , and drive down to the dock ( getting the truck there nice and early so it 's in line to make it on the ferry ) . While we wait we may take one last bike ride around the island , get one last milkshake or hot dog , or just go stand on the dock for one last time that summer . While other travel makes me happy to go back home , Peaks already feels like home except much more carefree and relaxing ; having to leave such a beautiful place is always difficult , but luckily we keep going back each year . Tom in the truck all loaded up to go out to Peaks . Last year we also had to pack formal wear for the weddin reception ! Peaks is a big excursion for us , and it requires a level of planning akin to landing a space shuttle on the moon . The truck is loaded up the night before with luggage , bikes , outdoor games and other essentials . The morning of we load up the cat and all her food and items ( this year will be a little more difficult since we also now have a dog to bring , she at least can walk on the ferry with one of my sisters ) . Once the truck is loaded with household and recreational items , an advance team is sent out to the grocery store ( the store on Peaks is small so we bring our groceries for the week out with us ) and the struggles to find room for the food among the crab trap and lawn chairs . The whole group reconvenes at the ferry terminal where the truck is waiting in line . After an enjoyable ride out to the island , the truck drives to the top of the hill and we get out bikes so that everyone who doesn 't fit in the truck ( which is all but one or two people ) can bike up to the house . Once everything is unloaded , the lawn chairs are set up in the back of the truck as seating and the rest of the week is spent with people riding in the back of the truck or biking anywhere they need to go . So no story for you this morning . I 'm just going to let you sit and enjoy this picture , that 's probably the best way to experience Peaks without getting to go there . Happy Monday ! Me jumping into the ocean last year , I tried to play it casual and cool to coax my cousins to take the plunge ! Jumping off the dock has become a ritual for us and a right of passage for any new friends or family we bring along ( if they 're really nervous we bring them down at high tide when it 's less of a drop ) . While I am proud to say I have done the leap many times , even some at a level approximating low tide , I am Captain Wussy Pants compared to some of the younger Peaks residents . Our first year on the island we were just lounging in the sun on the floating dock when we suddenly saw a whole mass of teenagers and pre - teens race down the hill to the ferry terminal and start to swarm around . As quickly as they had come , they began climbing and leaping off any tall surface they could get to ; the wooden pilings , the shed on the dock , and some even climbed up to the top of the Peaks Island sign ( see my first Peaks post ) and as we screamed in shock they seemed to float down to the frigid water before popping back up with a triumphant yelp ( or a " Good god this water is freeeeezing " yelp , they often sound the same ) . With as much frantic momentum as they arrived they would soon depart to avoid getting in trouble with the one police officer stationed on the island during the day . Whether it 's your first jump and your heart is pounding in your chest , or you 're a veteran who casually leaps in to cool off , or you 're a thrill seeker who raises their nose at the pitiful distance of a 20 foot jump at low tide , the dock has something to thrill , excite , ( and sometimes scare ) everyone . While the view from Peaks is gorgeous in all different directions , I love watching the tide come in by the Cairn Beach and seeing the waves crash up . Also wonderful is the beach that 's through the woods behind our house . Getting there requires a trek through poison ivy ( which I am either immune to like my two sisters , or have managed to avoid thus far ) . During one amusing trip last summer to the beach to see the starfish pools we decided it would be best to get back to the house a different way rather than to risk going past poison ivy again . In the group was my mother and Tom , my uncle and aunt and their two children , and my older sister . Everything started off well with a little light bouldering and climbing , however we soon came to a spot that looked a little precarious , especially when you consider that two of the people in our group had much shorter legs and patience than the rest of us . My uncle and I started planning out a route to cut across a narrow ledge but our hand holds turned out to be full of broken glass . We managed to get all of us through with only minor casualties ( a couple of pieces of glass in my hand and some in my cousins as well ) . From here it was a big jump down , luckily Tom is tall and was able to help us find ways to shimmy down or give us the reassurance that if we jumped there was a good chance he would catch us / break our fall . It seemed like we had made it past most of the adventure when my cousin lost her flip flop down a crevasse . My mom and I were all set with leaving it since it was fifteen feet down in a narrow tunnel , but somehow my uncle managed to get down to the bottom of it , and throw it out . On we went , now all with shoes on and had a relaxing stroll across the beach before we came to a dock that would bring us back to the road the house was on . We were in the process of climbing up the side of the dock and half of us were on the beach and half were on the dock when we realized there was a hornet nest that we were disturbing with all our climbing and jostling . Those still Posted by A favorite pastime during Peak week is to go to " Cairn Beach " ( the name is one we 've made up but it 's an accurate description ) . Whether we attempt to build massive cairns and then jump out of their way as they come crashing down , or lecture children we don 't know about how it is disrespectful and mean to destroy cairns that people have worked hard on ( I must get this trait from my mother who has no qualms about parenting other people 's children ) we can usually be amused here for several hours at a time . Since the beach is on the backside of the island we often bike past it on our way to or from the house when we 're taking the long way and it 's so touching to see families working on them together or just seeing what new crazy creation someone has attempted . I am proud to say that the cairn pictured is one of the few successful ones I have ever created ; Mom is more of a stone maven than me so I usually watch her work with interest rather than making my own . For the last three or four years , my family and I have been lucky enough to spend one week each summer on Peaks Island . Located off the coast of Portland , it is an approximately 25 minute ferry ride to get to the small and charming island . We 've had a lot of great memories there whether it be spending all day on the dock crab fishing , biking down to the store in the morning to get coffee and the newspaper , jumping off the dock , rock climbing to avoid a path with poison ivy , and most recently the wedding reception for my Mom and Tom . Both my Mom and Tom are avid runners and they first discovered this picturesque place when they ran a 5K there . The island is only four miles around so longer runs or races take a little creativity . We have as a family ran a very amusing clam shell relay race that takes place on the fourth of July . Going to Peaks is very different than any other vacations or traveling for us since there 's no frantic scheduling or sightseeing tours . Each day is spent in a laid back manner with a nice combination of bike riding , swimming , reading , eating , and marshmallow toasting . I think it 's the best family tradition we have so far ! So my four year old lap top is dying , it 's a slow and painful death where the cord thinks that it is coming unplugged every 7 seconds ( I actually timed it and it now consistently shuts itself off at 7 seconds ) . Besides the frustration of this , I am no longer able to turn it on ( the battery is dead and since it keeps thinking it is unplugged there 's no power to start it up ) which means all my photos are trapped in the sad little dying laptop . I have some photos on Facebook from Peaks so I will be sharing those now while I try to figure out how to recover my other photos . I have some beautiful ones saved on my Mom 's computer , but the motherboard on that has crashed because the cat kept taking naps on it . So in conclusion , I will try to keep providing pictures from beautiful travel destinations even though all the technology seems to be conspiring against me ! With Guinness of course ! Mmm , delicious , heavy beer . After touring the factory and learning more about the history of Guinness and the brewing process , we made our way up to the bar at the top which offered a great view of Dublin and a complimentary Guinness . Each cup was poured to only the most exacting standards and any pint that had sat for even a few seconds too long was poured down the drain . To top it off , the bartenders finished pouring the last foamy drops while moving the glass so as to create a four - leaf clover design in the top of the drink . By far the freshest and most delicious Guinness you will find anywhere ! Posted by While in Dublin we found a great way to get around the city . The tourist buses are cheap and you can ride them around all day . They stop at major monuments and tourist destinations so while you won 't get off the beaten path , you will get to visit all those sites on your " to see " list and then be able to hop on the next bus that comes by . St . Patrick 's was great although the light made it a little difficult to photograph . Going to Dublin was a side trip I managed to squeeze in and it was way to short . While I 'm glad I was able to see some incredible things I need to make it back to Dublin some day and tour it at a more leisurely pace ! Getting to see the Book of Kells in Dublin was an amazing experience for me . If it was up to me I would have spent hours walking in the library and examining all the history on how the book was made . I think it was this experience more than anything that made me realize how much I love literature , books , and the history of bookmaking . Several months later I began looking into getting my masters in Library Science and am happy to say I will soon be embarking on a double masters program in Archives and History . To illustrate just what a dork I am , I saw a job the other day working on book preservation and conservation in the Harvard Library and I may have started to drool . I 'm sure some of you have noticed that my blog is now located at luluabroad . blogspot . com rather than czechdreams . blogspot . com . This was done in part because my blog has changed since it started from something I did to keep my family updated about my time in the Czech Republic , to a forum for me to share all my travel experiences and photography . I am also working on creating some stationary that I would distribute under the name Lulu Abroad and it makes more sense to have blog name , address , and stationary all be under the same name . I 'm sorry for any confusion this may have caused , it was just an attempt to have the blog address more adequately reflect my current goals and ideas for the blog . Look at his stumpy little legs ! ! Definitely a big change from some of the great horses I 've had the privilege of riding . I started riding when I was five or six , and did it competitively for a couple years ( while I love horses I was a bit too spacey for competitions and never did very well , especially in dressage ) . After we moved when I was younger though there was no longer a good place to go riding that was nearby and it became too expensive ( in high school one of my friends had horses but they were pretty much unride - able , she had me help train some of them which consisted of a lot of me jumping on and quickly jumping or getting thrown off ) . While I was in Ireland though I jumped at the chance to go on a trail ride . Once we arrived at the stables however I was sorely disappointed since the horses were sad , sad looking creatures . I felt bad even riding there since I questioned how well the horses were cared for however since I came with a large group I wasn 't able to just leave . I was placed with a tiny nightmare of a horse who 's pace alternated between stopping and breaking into an uneven and jolting trot / canter . By the end of the three hour ride I was sore all over ; my butt , my arms , and my legs were killing me . On top of all of that my knees which are used to being turned out for ballet had spent the whole ride somewhat turned in and were incredibly painful and I had a performance two weeks after I got back to school ( the performance went great though so don 't worry ) . Still it was great to go through some of the countryside and see Ireland in a new way . The towers looked quite mysterious and lovely , especially since more than half of them were in various states of disrepair . The gardens surrounding the castle were actually more interesting than the castle itself . Not only were they better maintained but there was more information on the history of various statues or rocks . This rock is popular because it appears to be the figure of a gnarled witch , and to the left of her is her hat , see it ? On our way into the castle this little guy was keeping one of the gardeners company . I don 't feel this picture fully captures the scariness . My friend snapped the image in the adjustment process . To kiss the stone I had to arch back more and was upside down . One day there was a field trip to the Blarney Castle . Climbing up to the top was quite the adventure since it is an old castle and the spiral staircases are narrow and steep . Some rooms remained somewhat intact but the real appeal was the Blarney stone at the top . There 's a man who 's job is to hold people while they are somewhat upside down so they can inch out into position to kiss the Blarney stone for good luck . There will be more on the castle and stone kissing soon , but for now I have to go to an interview , eek ! I have very few pictures of Killarney itself but this is St . Mary 's Cathedral . The town wasn 't a bad place to be stationed , it was a three hour train ride to Dublin , right near the Ring of Kerry , and had a lively night life . There were some great bands that played in the pubs at night , whether locals playing more traditional Irish music , or rock bands playing covers of Franz Ferdinand , there was a lot of variety to chose from for night - time entertainment . Ross Castle is located near Killarney and we actually visited it several times during our trip . Built in the late 1400 's the castle was much more of a fortification than a pleasure palace . The castle is located on the Ring of Kerry which is a scenic driving route , and a hiking path . The second time we visited the castle was as part of a trail ride .
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When I last posted on here I thought I was coming out of a blip , and then said blip continued . I 100 % thought I could positive think myself out of the hole . I don 't really recall what happened but it worked very temporarily , perhaps a day , and then things became worse again . I ended up in hospital a couple of more times , but only overnight … and then slept a lot in the day time . I mean positive thinking is vital and I 100 % believe that what we think , we become . That being said mental illness and being low is not exactly the same as being negative , and positive thinking can only do so much . I think when you are at rock bottom , it takes more than positivity to help you , but once you are beginning to feel a little better , positivity can really help . Things are better now though ! I went through a couple of days at the weekend where I was looking after myself better , but I felt incredibly low , which is the usual process after a blip . It 's like you are letting go of the ways you have been coping , so it 's relatively " normal " to feel a bit rubbish and it 's a lot like when you have been physically ill and it takes a few days to get your energy back , but here we are ! I can 't say I am entirely sure how things have turned around . On Friday I was in A & E from about 3am - 7am … but I was determined to still go to work , but then I fell asleep . I was so angry with myself when I woke up . I woke up 15 minutes before I was due at the hospital for an appointment that I was planning to go to on my lunch break . I had to practically run to the hospital and I was not exactly wide awake . The clinic was running an hour late , and I basically slept in the waiting room for another hour and then saw them . They asked a lot of questions and were worried about me , so they wanted me assessed by the crisis team but I managed to avoid it . I walked home in a daze and really disappointed in myself . I think sometimes you get to the point where you are drained , tired , and sick of letting yourself down . I spoke to the mental health team I am under for a planned phone call and I attempted to act " fine " … but the plastic surgeons , police and the university mental health team had all contacted them within a day so the " I 'm fine " routine didn 't work . When I got home I rested all afternoon / evening , and my pain levels were so high that even with prescription painkillers , I was struggling . It helped me to keep safe because the idea of more pain was , to be honest , intolerable . I am still on extra meds , plus the pain killers and antibiotics . Apparently it 's harder to get antibiotics these days but I swear I 'm given them so often ! It can 't be healthy ! I 've been to work , and the gym for the last 3 days . On Monday I saw my MA supervisor , and I 've also been super challenging myself with food . At home especially . I had been eating the same things every day for all meals including my evening meal , and then having set rules about lunch at work that I won 't go into , but I 've had different meals every evening , eaten foods I haven 't eaten in a long time ( cheese , avocado , salmon , cous cous , houmous , crisps and more ) , and also eaten different things at work . Every time I start panicking about it and my head wants to go back to eating the same old things I actually get really angry with the thoughts and I feel like , and excuse the swearing , " f * * k you , you don 't get to dictate my life any more " and I love it when I am able to have this attitude . If I gain more weight , who cares ? ! I 'd rather be happy . Just because my current weight is what I need to be to be regarded as " healthy " , doesn 't mean it is my bodies healthy weight . I mean BMI isn 't the most reliable of measures , everyone 's weight / BMI varies , and a minimally healthy weight doesn 't have to be the end goal . A BMI of 20 is healthy , but so is a BMI of 21 - 24 . I choose a little extra weight , happiness and being able to eat dessert any day ! More than that , I choose being mentally healthy over spending my life restricting what I eat , not eating things I enjoy and having to put so much energy into not gaining weight . There are far better things to be putting so much effort into , and some food is good for your body , some food is good for your soul ! ! A healthy body is important , but so is a healthy mind . I am a big believer in lifestyle changes for anyone who has weight related issues , rather than dieting . I am a big believer in body acceptance - body positivity is great , but actually you don 't have to love your body all of the time , but you can accept it and not criticise every aspect of your appearance . I despise the money making diet industry . I despise the guilt that so many women ( and men ) , feel over their bodies and what they eat . I despise body shaming of any description albeit fat shaming , or thin shaming , and I absolutely hate that some people feel they have to adhere to certain standards . I hate that we are bombarded with messages such as ' fat is bad ' , ' low calorie = healthy ' , and ' no pain , no gain ' - and I want to practice what I preach ! Posted on June 16 , 2017 by Natalie Jane I have had a difficult week . I mean bad days happen regularly , but they are normally just one - off days or hours , not days upon days , and probably not this bad . I don 't even really know where it came from , it just kind of hit me from nowhere and it worries me how this happens . I 'm picking myself back up and eventually managed to get some help , but I know things could have become much worse and it scares me . It scares me that I will end up back in hospital long - term , or lose the good things in my life . It was like everything just hit me , like suddenly I hit a wall . I am a very active person , and as soon as I wake up I 'm out of bed in 30 seconds . I exercise regularly . I never , ever , spend a whole day indoors . I can 't say when I last did , but it was years and years ( except when I was in hospital because I wasn 't allowed out ) . But there have been a lot of periods of time this week where I haven 't even been able to leave my bedroom , nevermind the house . A couple of times where I couldn 't leave my bed . I just laid there , in the middle of the day , and felt paralysed . At first I was angry with myself ; I thought I was just being lazy and needed to " pull myself together " , but looking back it was nothing of the sort . The thing that made me realise that sounds a bit silly , and embarrassing , but basically I needed the toilet and I was in agony and yet the idea of moving , of walking … I just couldn 't . I was in so much pain and after 2 hours I was still just laid there . I was also crying non - stop and I NEVER cry . I 'm always called the unemotional one in the family , which is awfully ironic given that by diagnosis is emotionally unstable personality disorder . I am emotional , but just not in a way that people can see . It 's often not visible . But when I get in a really bad place , that does change . The worst thing I 've done is set myself up for failure … thinking " I 'll be fine tomorrow and I 'll do X , Y and Z " and then been the furthest thing from fine , and feeling guilty and telling myself I 'll be better tomorrow . I have also been having horrendous headaches which they think is related to how I 've been mentally feeling . It 's weird because the headaches started last week , before things got bad . I 've had two types ; one where it 's a dull ache that just will not go away , the other is very sudden and intense . For about 10 minutes max I will be in agony . It starts at the back of my neck and then runs around to my ears and it feels like the worst pain I 've had in my life . And then as quick as it comes , it goes . I don 't know which is worse . The ones that won 't go away make the whole day even harder , but the short ones are agonising . Knowing it won 't last long helps . It 's really weird , and I feel like I am making them up because who gets a headache for ten minutes ? ! I feel really guilty for how I have been this week , and really disappointed in myself . The only thing that is helping that is the fact that my mental health team think that I have been , and am , doing really well overall to manage it as safely as I can . Their number one priority is always safety , and between October and somewhere between January and March that was not something I was successfully doing . It got me taken out of treatment and that is why I am currently not really having any formal therapy , and it landed me on the psych ward . The team I am under were extremely vocal about their concerns and tried to get me into hospital sooner than I was admitted ( I convinced the team that assess you for sections that I was ok to be at home more than once ) , and so I know that they genuinely think I am working hard at things ; they would not say it if they did not mean it , and so it eases the guilt a bit . The last thing I want to do is ruin my hopes of returning to treatment . I have had to spend some time in hospital this week , and the reality is that it might become necessary to have at least some time there over the weekend , but I am trying not to see that as failure neither . I have made some bad moves this week , and I 'll be honest and say that rather than admit to myself that I was disappointed or angry at myself , I took it out on professionals . I mean when I say that I don 't mean I was horrible or anything like that , and it was very brief , but in my head at points , they were the problem not me . I did not want to go into the hospital no matter how brief it would be . I find it embarrassing and I feel ashamed when it happens , and lets face it , nobody wants to be in a hospital . I 've had my meds temporarily increased . They 've given me 9 days worth so I 'm assuming it 's just for that long . I hate being overly medicated . Like I accept needing some medication and I take daily long - term medication … but I hate using PRN medication , and I hate that it just wipes me out . I am starting the PRN tonight and I know I am going to struggle to get up in mornings , and I 'm going to feel zonked out . It feels like why on earth would I do that to myself ? But I know the reasons . If it can prevent ending up in hospital and keep me stable so be it . But of course then I will also worry about coming off them so you can see why I want to avoid them ; they wipe me out so being on them is hard , and then coming off them is also hard . But needs must , and this happens VERY infrequently for me so I can kind of accept it as a rare occasion kind of thing . Don 't think I am being critical of using PRN medication because I 'm not , but it just isn 't really for me . In terms of support I can go to the hospital any time . I can also ring my team between 9 and 5 Mon - Thurs , and 9 - 4 Friday . We have a scheduled 30min call next Fri , but I can ring before then . It 's reassuring just knowing it 's there as an option , and we spoke Monday , yesterday and today , plus I 've had contact with my GP . Next week my mental health specialist mentor at university is increasing my contact with her to twice weekly ( Monday and Thursday ) , and there 's room to consider having a 2hr session plus a 1hr , rather than two 1hrs . She is a life saver . She makes such a big difference to my life , and not only that but we genuinely get along . She said once I leave university she will keep in contact with me , and it just feels like we click . I feel like we are quite similar in some things and we don 't sit and talk about mental health related stuff all of the time , like we have genuine similar interests and good random conversations . I 'm very lucky . ( Also she is Irish and I love Irish accents ) . My plan is to rest this weekend and take it easy while on these extra tablets . I have moments where I feel A LOT better and while they are brief , they seem to be lasting longer in the last day or so . The not so great moments , I need to start accepting . I make it so much harder for myself by getting frustrated and angry at how I feel … it just makes me even worse . Acceptance seems awfully important . I am also beginning to wonder if covering up what is going on from people is beneficial . I know I blog very openly , but in the rest of my life I 'm not open at all so trying to be so is difficult . None of my friends know what is going on right now . But I think maybe not totally masking things helps , and I have shut myself from everyone this week which can 't be a helpful thing , and I think it is tough on the people who care . I 'm just going to take things as they come . The good and the bad . But I am going to push myself . I have to , because if I don 't I would trap myself in my room forever . Sure sometimes it is ok to have a rough week or day and need that , but it feels important to not let it turn into a ' normal ' thing because otherwise I 'd get really bad … . so it means forcing myself to do things I don 't want to do . While I accept this week has happened and perhaps I needed it , I 'm not going to be easy on myself because I don 't want to spiral downwards so next week I am going to do the things I need to , and usually , do and I am going to use the extra support available , take these meds , and push myself . I know that doing things , doing " normal " things , helps me , and it 's ok to have a down week , and to let myself , but it cannot continue for long . It 's that difficult thing between being compassionate to yourself and understanding bad weeks happen and it 's ok to withdraw from things a bit because as much as it doesn 't feel like it to me , this is an illness … while also taking responsibility and not letting yourself off from things , not giving up . A mental health problem is not a choice , but recovery is , and choices are involved . My biggest mistake this week was not facing up to things from the start . I took a long time to tell someone how things were , and therefore to seek help , and even longer to actually use the help . But that being said a week is nothing ! I used to go months in that state of denial of what was going on and hiding away , avoiding help . I feel like in less than a week I 've managed to go through a process that used to take often up to a year ! And I mean that is what I am focusing on ; not just how far I have to go , but how far I have come . It is so easy to forget where you were before , and to focus on the bad , when there is so much to be proud of . I have my fingers and toes crossed for a hospital free weekend though ! Lots of rest and calmness please ! And I look forward to being hyper and silly again , hitting the gym , working and getting on with some uni work ! There 's nothing better than feeling like your usual self . I know normal every day life can seem boring for some , and feeling ' ok ' might not feel like enough , but I think when you are someone who does have very bad times with your mental health and where things such as being in hospital become necessary , there is nothing more you enjoy than the apparently boring , normal every day stuff . Even finally cleaning and doing an essay suddenly feels good when I 've had a bad week ! And don 't get me started on my own bed , a shower or a nice walk . These things sometimes feel like the most amazing thing in the whole world . The relief of coming home and falling asleep in my own bed with fresh sheets sometimes feels like winning the lottery . It 's the little things that often feel like the big things . This has been an awfully long rant , but I feel like getting things out is an important part of trying to draw a line under a bad week and start fresh , and to acknowledge that you can both be fighting hard and doing better , while also having tough times . One of the most reassuring things for me has been reading the blogs of people who are overall successful and doing well , but seeing that they have bad times too . Seeing people who seem to always have everything together doesn 't actually inspire me or help me any where near as much as the people who are open about their difficult times . It helps me to see the bigger picture in life , and that having a bad time doesn 't mean it is how things always are , or how things always will be , so if you are having a bad evening , day , or week , it 's ok . I know it is hard to believe right now , but this is not permanent . The only thing in life that is guaranteed is change , and our feelings tend to be one of the things that can change the most in a shockingly small amount of time . I hold onto that thought a lot - and the fact that a bad week doesn 't delete all of the good days ; they are still just as real . Posted on June 2 , 2017 by Natalie Jane A month ago I wrote this post , and I called it " part one " , and then I forgot about it . Standard Natalie . But here we are ! There are so many different approaches , methods and techniques to manage ED , and while some work amazingly well for some people , they do not work at all for others . It is also VERY easy to disregard ideas because of assumptions we make ; I hear about things like meditation , yoga and taking a long hot bath and my automatic reaction is to roll my eyes . Why would I want to sit quietly while struggling ? I would rather go for a run , hit the gym or clean the house . Anything but sit still . But I am learning to open my mind to things ; try guided meditations , for example . While not everything will work for you , you might be surprised that some things you do not even want to try , might work wonders . So first of all we have all of the things I think are airy fairy and I do not want to try , but which I do and will try ; mindfulness , grounding techniques , yoga , arts and crafts . I am not going to go into detail on anything in this post as I have a lot to cover , but check out the links . ( I wrote a post on this airy fairy stuff once ! ) While in a day programme I absolutely hated art therapy , which they called " creative " , but towards the end I started writing rather than doing " typical " art , because the title of creative gave a lot more flexibility . Since then I have had a few periods of time where I have bought scrapbooks . I 've had a " positive " scrapbook , and then a not so positive one , which I have yet to find a name for ( I do not think " negative " is a good word for it ) . In the positive one it is simply lots of positive quotes or things I have read , with illustrations and things . I am not artistic . I am the least artistic person I know , but it is not about being an artist , it is about expressing yourself and creating something positive to look back at . In the other one I did the same but with quotes or poems that I could relate to in a different way ; in a sad kind of way , but it was helpful because it allowed me to express some of my difficult feelings and find things I could relate to . Towards the end I also often just grabbed a sharpie and scribbled whatever was in my head onto the paper ; messy and freely . Then there is exercise . Exercise is a complicated one . Sometimes I genuinely believe exercise is the last thing we need , especially if we are really low . There is a massive emphasis on exercise in mental health treatment , and while it is obviously backed by a lot of research , and often it is really helpful , what is not helpful is to feel like you SHOULD be exercising , but be unable to manage it , and then feel bad about it . But exercise can mean anything . Just because you do not like one thing , does not mean you will not like something else . Also , if you are really struggling you might not feel up to being in a busy gym , or intense exercise like running ; but a 15 minute walk down a quiet footpath surrounded by nature , a swim , or a bike ride might be perfect for you ; with this one you need to find what works for you , and this could be different things at different times . ( If you struggle with , or have struggled with exercise addiction , an eating disorder , or any other addiction , be extremely careful about using exercise to manage your mood ) . Medication can also be helpful in managing severe emotional dysregulation . While it is definitely not a " fix " , it can help when things are very unmanageable . This is something you will need to discuss with a medical professional , and is not something that will necessarily be an option for you . Different medications work for different people and therefore my experiences are limited in their usefulness for you as an individual , but I have found two medications particularly helpful ; quetiapine and clomipramine , and while I did not think they were helping me , when I have been off them I have realised that they do . Like I said , they are not going to solve the problem to a seriously noticeable extent , but they can help ease things . This next , and final one is a biggie ! Acceptance . Acceptance of your emotions is key . Do not feel guilty or bad for feeling sad , or angry , or whatever it is you are feeling . It is ok to feel ; a feeling cannot hurt you . Read more about radical acceptance , which is a key component of a famous treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder ( DBT ) . Radical acceptance involves taking a non - judgemental stance about yourself , and the situations and people around you , and accepting them as they are . It is not about agreeing with something or someone , but simply accepting things you cannot change . Identifying your emotion ( s ) - if you struggle with this you can use an emotion wheel . An emotion is something that I believe is trying to tell you something . Ignoring your feelings will not help , but recognising how you are feeling and saying to yourself " right now I feel really sad " can often be helpful if you can be accepting of that , and aware that it will not last forever . Longer - term you can keep a diary of triggers . It can be helpful to do an ' ABC ' , that is A ( antecedent ) , B ( behaviour ) and C ( consequence ) . For more information go here and use their blank template to record yours . This can allow you to identify frequent triggers and work on managing them . This was something I learnt from a mental health professional I used to see , and while I did not find it helpful at the time as she used it as the basis of my treatment ( aka we spent all of our time doing it ) , it can be helpful as an aid . Wise mind . This concept is also from DBT . Your ' wise mind ' is the middle ground . The two extremes are reasonable mind and emotional mind , where wise mind is in the middle . I have quite a lot of rough patches every week , often at night time . It is not uncommon for me to spend the early hours of the morning walking around the city . More often than not I wake up in the morning wondering why the hell I was in such a state ( and tired ! ) I think I have mentioned in brief that things took a turn for the worse in late December . I went to my hometown for Christmas . I stayed at my sisters new house and it was nice to begin with , although a little weird to see my sister independent and in her own place . I was supposed to stay until after New Year , but then something happened on the 28th of December and on the 29th I got the early coach back to Leicester . I was not in a good place . I had stopped taking one of my medications a few months before ; at first it was forgetfulness more than anything else , then it was a case of " well I didn 't take it most of last week so clearly I don 't need it . " My mood was dropping rapidly , and the obsessions that the medication was prescribed to treat became a lot worse . I cannot say it was stopping the medication that caused that , because it could just be coincidental , but what it did mean was that when I got back to Leicester I had a huge amount of medication sat in my bedroom . It 's hard to admit this . I am not sure why . Fear of being judged maybe . Fear of being open having an impact on how people see me , and on my future prospects . Fear of people who know me reading this , when only my family and a couple of close friends know about it . I fell asleep in 2016 , and when I woke up it was 2017 . I was confused . Apparently on the day I gained consciousness I made a nurse call my Mum , before falling to sleep for 24 hours . When I woke up I made a different nurse call my Mum , panicking about the fact she would be worried about not hearing from me over New Year . The nurse told me that my Mum was saying I had contacted her the day before , but I did not remember at all . I do not remember anything . I know it was serious . I know things could have worked out differently . But I feel extremely aware of the fact that for me personally , it was not the worst experience I have had . I was unconscious , and if at any time I was aware of pain or what was going on around me , I sure as hell do not remember it now . The worst part of what happened was feeling embarrassed . I had a catheter in , and when I tried to walk for the first couple of days I couldn 't . The medication gave me the side effect of a tremor when I was taking the normal dose , so the overdose left me violently shaking and my legs just buckled underneath me . But it honestly was not that bad . Not that bad in comparison to other less " serious " things that I have done . There have been things I have done to myself that have been far more terrifying , far more painful , and to be honest , quite horrific . Largely because I was conscious . I have also been arrested while in a crisis , and when you are in that kind of state and locked in a prison cell for 16 hours , I can tell you that you leave even worse than you were to start with . I have been thinking about these things a lot while walking , and the consequences of the suicide attempt ; I was assessed under the mental health act , and told I had a choice between voluntary admission , or being sectioned . I agreed to go in voluntarily , which I am beyond relieved about . I got myself out quick , and I mean quick . Even the psychiatrist admitted he would not normally let someone out as fast as I got out . I was determined . I was thinking that if I stayed in there I was choosing to fight , and if I was going to choose to fight , I would be far better off fighting at home . The hospital environment was bad for my eating ; I was not eating at all and my weight was dropping , and I felt like my anorexia was re - gaining control shockingly fast . I knew if I stayed in there I was going to find myself with more problems , rather than less . I was dizzy and light - headed , and more to the point , it was making me feel better . I knew that was not good , and I knew it needed to stop . I was also due to start an internship , and that felt extremely important to me , and I made it very clear to the psychiatrist . I knew that I needed to prove to myself that I was capable of doing it , and that not doing it would have a really negative impact on me . I was terrified , of course . I wanted to run a mile , make up excuses not to do it , and avoid facing my anxiety ; but I also wanted it , badly . I wanted it more than I was afraid of it , and doing it was one of the best decisions I made . In fact , in January it was just about the only good decision I made . I was scared . I begged and begged my way out of hospital . I jumped through the hoops . I did what was expected of me to prove I was safe . I gave them no reason to use the mental health act against me again . It could probably have gone two ways ; it could have gone badly . I remember getting home and while I was insanely relieved to get my freedom back because I cannot cope being stuck indoors for a whole day , never mind longer … I walked into my house very overwhelmed . I panicked . I thought I had made a mistake . I remembered what things had been like leading up to the admission , and as to be expected , I was doubting my ability to cope . I still get myself in bad places . Having Borderline Personality Disorder means I often get myself into the worst kind of states , and then several hours later I am thinking " Girl , what was that about ? ! " It is extreme , a little dramatic and very frightening ; I know I can do things that feel right in the moment , that in less than 24hrs time will seem ridiculous . I want my life to mean something . I do not want to be remembered as the girl who ended her own life . I want to do things that help people , and make my mark . I do not care how big or small that mark is , but I want to make it . Even in the darkest of times , the idea that in my lifetime I might make a difference to a single persons life , feels like a good enough reason to fight . People . And I do not mean fighting for people , or because people love me and losing me would hurt them … but that there are people who have done so much to help me , and I just cannot chuck that away . My Mum and sister have stood by me through thick and thin , even when I least deserved it . And professionals including my previous psychiatrist and various people at my secondary school , college and university who have still believed in me when I lost all hope , who have fought for me and simply never given up on me . Things can change for the better , and quickly . Just as things can get suddenly worse , they can get suddenly better . There are endless nights I have survived , and woke up relieved . One of the hardest things to do is be in a state of despair and believe that it is not permanent , but one thing I remind myself is that change is actually the only thing in life that is guaranteed . One of my common thoughts when struggling is that I have been fighting for so long , and that giving up is only logical . My mentor at university challenged this by saying that surely having been fighting for so long is a reason not to give up now , not to throw all of that hard work away . I 'm not going to lie , when she first said that I was thinking that she did not get it , and it was a load of rubbish . BUT , on reflection , it is true . I did not come this far , to only come this far . Future treatment . During a recent bad night it hit me ; I have an opportunity to go back to the therapeutic community and dedicate some time to working on myself . If I truly put everything into it , and do not self - sabotage it , it could really make a difference . I mean it might not , but it might . What is more the point is that it is with a service that I have gained a lot of faith in , with people I have begun to trust , which I did not previously . I mean regardless of whether the treatment method is ideal , I know the staff and other patients from experience are in equal amounts supportive and challenging ; they are tough and sometimes hard on you , but in a helpful way . How can I give up before I have exhausted all options ? If I give up there will be no more trying . And while often trying feels much more like struggling , I will take the struggle because struggling can lead somewhere . I hate struggling , but at least struggling means there is hope . While there is life , there is hope . I hope that if you cannot see a reason to make it through another day , you can hold onto the possibility that one day you will find a reason . I hope you know that although I am just a random stranger sat behind a computer screen who does not even know your name , I believe in you . And I know this is cheesy , but I hope that you know that I am a human . I am real . And I am always only a message away . I care . Posted on May 12 , 2017 by Natalie Jane My life plan right now is better known as the treatment plan . I 've had a bit of a dilemma recently . I have a place at an assessment centre for a grad scheme . It was unexpected and it threw a spanner in the works . My plan was to fight to get back into the therapeutic community aka take time out , and then when I got onto the assessment centre I was thinking ' Maybe I could just never go back to treatment and get " better " by just " getting on " with my life ' . And it could work out . Treatment isn 't always the way to get better . Sometimes living life is . Maybe moving to London and doing a full - time grad scheme would help me get " better " . However a draft email has been sat in my outlook account for the last week . A draft email stating that right now , due to health reasons , I can 't accept a grad scheme offer , therefore I need to pull out now . The reluctance to send it is the ' But what if I actually got offered a place on the scheme ? How can I turn that down ? ' which is why I need to hit send . Because if I did get offered it , it would make my life even harder . I had an " interim appointment " with the PD service today . A brief explanation if you don 't already know from my other posts is that in November I was , in short , chucked out of the therapeutic community ( TC ) . I was " too unstable " and " too high risk " . I ended up on an acute psychiatric ward , and if you are deemed as being acutely unwell , you are not deemed ready for therapy . Since then I have just had an interim appointment in March . Today a plan was made . My options were private , self - funded counselling which I was assessed for , and found for a VERY reasonable price ; it 's with a charity , and they do student rates of £ 12 an hour ! If you 've ever looked into private counselling you 'll know you can pay £ 40 - 50 an hour minimum . So that was option 1 , and would involve being discharged from the PD team with re - referral for the TC once ready and suitable ( I 'm not allowed back while people I was in treatment with last year are still there ) . Option 2 was to do a smaller , once weekly group for 6 months , starting in Jan with an interim appointment in May and fortnightly scheduled telephone support , then re - referral to the TC in July 2018 . Option 3 , which was the option I put forward , was to skip the once weekly group , have the interim appointment / phonecalls , and be re - referred to the TC as soon as I can be . We are going with option 3 ! The downside is I won 't be having any formal support until that time comes , which should be November / December - but I will have an appointment in August , and fortnightly phone calls with my lead professional . They are going to work out the date they * think * should be the point at which I can go back into the TC process and let me know . I 'm expecting it to be no later than December . The TC process is a long one . You have to do a prep group first , on a Tuesday morning . If I started that in January , I 'd expect to be finished in March / April . It took 4 months last time but I think this time I could be quicker . Then the actual TC is for one year . The TC is 3 days per week , with the occasional extra half day where you are expected to help run the prep group in blocks . Halfway ( or 3 / 4 way ) through the TC you join another group called Thrive , which would increase it further … Thrive is basically like the prep group , but it 's a post - therapy group … it 's preparing you for leaving the TC … and when you leave the TC after the one year , you continue going to thrive for either three or six months , I can 't remember . All in all you 're looking at 18 - 24months . I am dreading it . The TC was the most exhausting , at times soul destroying , intense , sometimes toxic , environment I have ever been in . I found going there three days per week more exhausting than I would find a full - time job . All I wanted to do when I left each day was sleep . Weekends were spent recovering from the week . The idea of going back terrifies me . It is by no means the easy option . It would actually be easier for me to try get on this grad scheme . I wouldn 't have to feel bad for not being in full - time employment . I wouldn 't feel like a failure because all of my friends are working and living their lives and going somewhere … and I am sat in a hospital . I wouldn 't have to turn down an amazing grad scheme . I wouldn 't have to worry about money . I wouldn 't have to go through intense therapy that is going to bring up some tough stuff ; I am not a person who openly talks about stuff with people , so group therapy is really difficult for me . I am sat here right now thinking ' oh f * * ck what am I doing ? ! ' . But it 's the plan . And it is a good one . I can finish my current job because I will still be here in September , and honestly I was worried at the idea of having to leave the job early to move away for a grad scheme ( grad schemes start in Sept ) because I would honestly be absolutely gutted about it . People kept saying to me that I can 't not take a 1 - 2yr grad scheme because I want to finish the last month of a temporary contract and I was like UMMMM YES I CAN IF I CARE . So this works out soooo well for that . A grad scheme would also mean moving from Leicester at the start of Sept when my MA finishes on the 31st aka I would need to get my dissertation finished a month early which would be fun ! And how I am seeing this is … yes I am 25 this year and I thought I would be well into a career by now … but what is 1 - 2 years of my life if this treatment actually helps ? Do I want a full time job where I am struggling and spending evenings and weekends in hospital or prison cells ? Or do I want to focus on treatment , get myself sorted , and then focus on my career ? In the long - term this could be the best decision I have made . I will be fully dedicating myself to treatment this time … rather than doing treatment plus university . This time I am going to give it everything . If I am taking a year or two out , I am going to make it worth it . While I do want to find part - time work , the part - time work will have to be second on my list of priorities . Posted on May 11 , 2017 by Natalie Jane It 's mental health awareness week so it 's like I should post . I blog on mental health so not posting would be kind of weird … but then isn 't my whole blog raising awareness ? It 's not really my goal to raise awareness for one week annually . I 've read some thought provoking stuff surrounding the use of mental health awareness events , which I imagine could apply to other awareness days and weeks too . The first was on Twitter ; someone talking about being sick of talking about mental illness and not actually doing anything about it . Tonight I 've seen a great illustration by rubyetc . I 'm sure a lot of you have heard of her and I 've included the illustration for you - you should check out her work if you 've never seen her stuff before ! Any way , this illustration is based on mental health awareness events being tedious . The illustration contains the comment " Yes I am very aware , thank you very much . " And I get it . Sometimes I don 't want to hear , write , talk or anything to do with mental illness . Sometimes I hate awareness stuff and as a mental health blogger and as a person living with mental illness , you feel like you are not supposed to feel that way . I guess the point is that some people are not aware , or not enough . I think awareness campaigns for particular areas of mental health are particularly important such as more misunderstood , often neglected disorders or issues such as addiction , personality disorders , and self - harm in adults . As for more common mental health problems like depression , anxiety and increasingly so with schizophrenia , people are more aware of the symptoms and more understanding than ever ; but this doesn 't mean awareness isn 't necessary , but that a focus on specific areas - myths , misconceptions and how to help someone - is required . When you have a mental illness it can definitely be a bit tedious though . Sometimes it feels like people touch on the subject because it 's awareness week , but not because it really means anything to them . But then how can anyone do in - depth work on EVERY SINGLE awareness event ? All of this has definitely led me to do some reflecting - how can I actually do something that makes a real difference ? How can I reach the people that really need reaching ? What areas of mental health really do need focusing on ? So I 'm left thinking , can little old me do something about that ? And what if I came face - to - face with the people who have seen me at my worst that I never thought I would have to face again ? The thought of it is a bit sickening ! A weird thing happened a week or so ago . Two police officers that were involved in an incident with me a while ago did a random courtesy ( if you like ) call to my house . They called it a welfare check - you can imagine my panic when I opened the door and they said my name . I didn 't remember them because I really wasn 't in a state to even notice what they looked like so I was stood there having an internal panic ; what have I done ? I can 't remember doing anything ? ! The first thing they said was " you look better " and it was weird to see them when I was feeling good and " well " . I think it was even stranger for them . It makes you realise the striking difference between how you are when you are managing , and how you are when you 're not . And I think it 's important for professionals to see that who you are when they see you , in that time of desperation and crisis , is not the person you truly are . I think it increases understanding that for the person to be in such a state , is to show that they truly need help because it 's outside of their ' norm ' . I imagine it is quite easy to see someone in a crisis and think that those moments define them , and I get that . I don 't think it is wrong of people to think that ; but it doesn 't define them and it 's going to take people showing who they are beyond their label to change this . Posted on May 8 , 2017 by Natalie Jane I don 't drink . That 's right , not at all . A lot of people seem to struggle with the concept of not drinking at all and I 'm pretty sure that says more about them , than me . I 've had medical professionals be shocked because " people like me " usually drink and shouldn 't . When I say I don 't they have responded with " ok , but you shouldn 't drink at all if you can help it " like I don 't drink means I drink sometimes . Then there are the other times … taxi journeys where the driver brings up being a student in a city , and the night life . When I say I don 't go out they will usually go down the lines of " so you 're a pub girl " . No , not particularly . Next it 's " so do you just drink at home ? " , followed by " a student that doesn 't drink , that 's odd ! " . It isn 't actually odd . I imagine many more students don 't drink that we would expect . My reasons for not drinking are complicated . I always say it is because of issues people in my life have had with alcohol and that it has put me off , but that would be a stretch of the truth . I want to say it is because when I first developed mental health problems at 14 , I used to sneak alcohol out of my Mum 's vodka supply and take it to school in a water bottle and one time I went to a small party , got drunk , had a meltdown and locked myself in a bathroom , but again , the fact that drinking probably wouldn 't be good for me has very little to do with not actually drinking … just a lot to do with why it is probably a good thing . The honest reason is that it is a part of my eating disorder I have never overcome and really don 't feel a need to . I didn 't go through the whole turning 18 and going out thing . I was at home starving myself to death , isolating myself from everyone and everything , and in my mind alcohol = a waste of calories . Why would I drink alcohol when I was only allowing myself 200 calories per day ? Two vodkas and that would be all I could consume for the day . No thanks . And now I am " better " I challenge all of my disordered behaviours and thoughts , but with this one I just have no desire to . Take avoiding eating desserts . I have bundles of motivation to challenge that because you know , desserts are amazing and I genuinely want to be able to eat them . Hello cheesecake my long lost friend ! But I 've never enjoyed alcohol and it doesn 't interest me . I feel like I would be forcing myself to drink for the sake of drinking . My mornings after the night before are filled with shame , embarrassment , and regret , and it is horrendous . Even months later the memories fill me with these emotions and when it is immediately after it quite literally makes me feel sick . I had one of these episodes this weekend . I won 't be going into the details because honestly , I am ashamed , and I really excelled myself this time . It went to a whole new level and the only thing I can think of to make myself feel better is ' I won 't ever have to see the people involved again " . It has been a truly rock bottom moment and when it hit me what was going on and where I had led myself , I almost thought I was dreaming . It is hard not to absolutely hate yourself for how you behave and feel at your worst . I feel like I want to rewind time and grab my own shoulders and give myself a good shake . WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU FOOL ? ! Don 't be an idiot . Pull yourself together . Stop being so angry and take help . So after you have had a blip , a lapse , an episode or whatever else you want to call it , it is healthy to have some regrets and it 's a good thing to consider how you could have prevented yourself from getting to the stage of being out of control . BUT , if you blame yourself too much and are too hard on yourself , the guilt is going to eat you alive and you 're going to end up having another blip to cope with the guilt . Say your issue is drinking , and you get drunk and do something stupid and feel far too much guilt and self - blame … the risk is that you 're going to end up drinking again to manage that guilt . It 's counter - productive .
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I applied to Barnes & Noble , yesterday . I 'm actually really excited about the idea of working there . Then again , I can get excited about anything ( true story . I 'm very easily pleased . ) The more I thought about it , I figured it would be a better first job . I mean , it seems pretty clear that the Starbucks door just isn 't open to me , yet , and when I look at it objectively , it is a pretty ambitious first job ( you know what I mean . ) It 's not that I don 't think I could do it , I do . At least , I think I could . I 'd like the chance to try . BUT that 's where it gets sticky . I can 't " try " at a job like that . It 's a real - world job . People don 't want to hire someone who just has a " good feeling " about their potential abilities to memorize a zillion recipes , and do whatever else is required for the gig . Not that the demand is less at B & N , but it 's certainly different ( I applied for the Cafe and the Store , SO there 's still a chance , if I get hired , to work in a coffee shop . ) Ever since I watched You 've Got Mail for the first time , I wanted to work in a book store . So really , I 'm not giving up on anything . I 'm dusting off an old dream . We 'll see . It was really exciting to be able to write down on my application that I 'm available from open to close , basically every day . Oh ! So , I got a random yext from my friend Ashley yesterday . She asked if I would come visit when Allix went up there , if she bought my ticket as an early Christmas gift . " No , Ashley . I hate everyone and would never accept a free train ticket . " NOT . I was like , " How could I NOT visit ? " So . I 'm going to see some friends in October . It makes me happy . Hopefully it won 't hurt my chances of getting a job . The Lord knows . His will be done . Look , folks . I know not everyone believes in God . I know that some people require big miracles to even come close as proof of there being a God . I understand . You have that right . But let me tell you , man . There is a GOD . From the big to the small , from the intricate to the simple , He is REAL and He has every single thing under control . He will guide you in the absolute perfect way if you just say , " Okay , " and trust Him . Blind trust is hard . It 's harder when you haven 't been able to trust anyone , ever . But I know that I know , without any shadow of a doubt that God is real , and His love for us is perfect , and His attention to the details of our lives is focused . He is a personal God , who will laugh with you , cry with you , correct you , listen to you , talk to you . . . . He is there , and He 's not a joke . He 's not mean , He doesn 't play games with our emotions . He takes us seriously , even when we 're being ridiculous . Why ? Because He CARES . He cares about EVERYTHING that you care about ! He wants the absolute BEST for you . He wants nothing less than perfect for you . No , life isn 't easy , and people hurt us , and sometimes those wounds go deep . Deeper than we would ever dare take anyone . But God knows , already . He saw it . And He cried when you cried . He was filled with vengeance when people were unjust against you . He smiled when you smiled . There is no where that He isn 't nearby . He is always waiting for you . As long as you breathe air , there is the chance to follow Him and become His child . He never stops calling out to you . HE CARES . More than the person who loves you the most on this earth . And that person might love you a LOT . But He loves you more . And his love isn 't flawed . It 's true , forever . He doesn 't turn anyone away , ever . No matter what you 've done that haunts you ; that you know is wrong , but continue with anyway . He is always ready to say , " Welcome . I 'm so glad you came . " And He helps us . Things take time . Becoming like Christ is not an instantaneous thing . As long as you just say , " Okay , Lord . I don 't know much , Philippians 1 : 6 , He will finish the good work that He started until the day of Jesus Christ . You just have to be willing to let Him start . And no . I had no idea that this would turn into me preaching a salvation blog post . I just wanted to tell you that the Lord worked out our second car situation . We have a second car coming . For free . It has issues , but someone has said they 're going to help pay for them . I applied for another job today , at Barnes & Noble . Turns out the manager is talking to the hiring manager tomorrow , and she told me to call tomorrow afternoon , if the hiring manager doesn 't happen to call me first . I TOLD YOU GUYS that I was expecting a car to show up in front of our house . AND IT IS . HA ! I told you so ! " Oh , no , that 's crazy . Blah blah , don 't get your hopes up , blah blah . " NO . It is happening , so THERE . Is it crazy to believe in love at first sight ? NO . It 's not . Because God is all about doing impossible things ! Because HE CAN . He can do impossible things because He is GOD for crying out the freaking night ! And yeah , I know . A car . Big deal . Um , yes , actually . Would you believe me if I told you that things are coming together EXACTLY the way I saw in my head months ago ? That my babysitting job , acar , another job . . . they would all start falling together around the same time . AND THEY ARE . I 'm not really either , my current status is " trusting the Lord , " and " not being afraid to respond . " Okay , well , first things first . I made the choice to not date back when I was ten or eleven . I read a handful of books , one specifically about courtship , and ( of course ) Joshua Harris ' " I Kissed Dating Goodbye " ( which I eventually came to dislike as a reference because . . . you can 't kiss dating goodbye unless you 've dated . Irrelevent to my life . ) That is probably why when I 've had crushes on boys , I thought I was going to marry them . . because I wasn 't going to date multiple guys . There is only one out there for me . And we 're going to get married . That 's that . I 'm still kind of like that , to a point , but my crushes are few and far between these days . So it makes me a little quirky , that 's okay . I 've been happy . For a while in high school , my choice was reinforced because guys didn 't give me a second glance . " Oh , no wonder I 'm not dating . No one wants to date me ! " But then again , I was also the most closet extrovert ever . I 'd show you a picture of me from high school , but it 's too embarassing . * shakes head * Because let 's be honest : looks matter , to a point . Moving on . it was easier to be a " non - dater " back then because really , none of my friends were dating . And then I went to college , and met more quality men than I had known in my tiny homeschool bubble ( sorry , guys ) and in Bible college , it 's inevitable that everyone is going to marry each other . Who liked who and who heard from the Lord about whom was THE hot topic . That last paragraph didn 't make a whole lot of sense . Either way , we weren 't allowed to date at Mount Zion , so my choice to not date was further encouraged . Of course , we always find ways to get around rules , don 't we ? Not always to an extreme ( expecially if you 're me ) . I don 't think that story will ever be told on the internet . And then by my last year in college , friends started getting engaged , married , pregnant . Eengaged , married , pregnant . . . and me ? Very single . Always very single . There were times when being single was more challenging than others . It 's an area that the Lord has done a lot of work in . It 's also an area that the Lord has really kept me in . For whatever reason ( the Holy Spirit ) , I would be able to remind myself that it was worth it to wait . It was worth it . I wouldn 't regret it . The Lord wants to give us the best , we don 't have to go looking for it . Yadda , yadda . Well , sometimes it sounded like yadda , yadda . Repeat things to yourself enough times and tell me it doesn 't get old once in a while ! This past year has been a big learning year for me . What I really believe concerning the Lord , and my Christian walk . Figuring out what I 'm really looking for in a man ( and let 's be real , as great as most of the guys were that I 've liked in the past , there was always something that didn 't jive that I couldn 't think myself past . ) Becoming confident in who I am as a person , and as a woman . Figuring out what I want to do concerning work and education . I just haven 't been sure until now . I went from being an insecure homeschooler to a sheltered Bible student . . . there hasn 't been a lot of time for this kind of introspection by way of life experience . Being put in situations and being able to analyze it . I 'm behind , I 'm sorry ! Anyway . My non - dating standards . They 've evolved a lot , and they 're kind of unconventional and impossible . I 've even had argumments with my mom about them being too much . I don 't know when it was that I became such a believer in the impossible . I just decided at some point that I can believe God to do anything if it 's His will , and if it isn 't His will , He will let me know because He doesn 't play games with us . Anyhow , here : I have always said , and wished ( despite my actions back when I was really impatient and immature , ) that someone will just be drawn to me . I don 't date . I can flirt and respond to certain actions , but I really can 't do too much about the gradual , " we 've been together for a while and I think I know that I want to spend my life with you " thing . I want someone to " see me across a crowded room , " as it were . To just be intrigued enough by me being me . Not by trying to get their attention , not by saying or doing the right things . By living my life . I know , it sounds insane . How can two people get together , let alone married without some kind of trial period ? Well . Don 't ask me , I don 't know yet . I just believe it can happen . It 's in the Bible . Genesis 24 , I think . Isaac sees Rebekah over the hill , and then they get married . She was persueded to come and marry him by the Holy Spirit . She didn 't know what his favorites things were right away . She just knew that he was a godly man and went with it . And I 'm waiting . I 've seen too frequently the consequences of dating and I don 't dig it . I don 't want to deal with drama of not being sure because of failed relationships . I just want to know . Sometimes I don 't want to wait . Waiting is hard . Especially when everyone and their sister is getting hitched . Within the past two years or so , I 've had . . . over ten people ( not counting both people in the couple if I know them both , which I do for the most part , ) get married or enganged . Most of those have been within the year . Only one couple I know got married in 2010 . I believe . SO . It 's all around me . It 's challenging . But it 's also encouraging because certain couples ( Zeke and Kiaya , for example , ) are incredible examples of people who are literally made for each other . I use them as examples for people all the time . They are literally hand crafted by God for each other . If they were with anyone else , it would be a mistake . The same is true for other couples , but I know them the best , so it 's different . The same can be true for me . There is someone out there who is perfect for me and I am convinced to wait for him . And to keep waiting . And to stay busy . That 's new for me . Before , I was like , " Berpader , not in a relationship , I 'm not doing anything with my life . " Not the case anymore . I 'm trying to stay busy . I 'm seeking the Lord . Because really , He hasn 't brought me together with " The One " because I 'm not ready . And he probably isn 't either . God 's timing is perfect , I 'm convinced . But I 'm rebuilding my walk with the Lord so that I CAN be ready . We have to do some of the work for things to happen in our lives . I trust God . And God is faithful . Well , I know that most of this has been a blur of me rambling , but hey . It 's my blog . I do what I want . You chose to keep reading , if you made it this far . Thanks . That 's a phrase I just coined a little while ago . Similar to a Love Triangle , only there is someone for everyone . " Well , what 's the conflict ? Sounds like everyone wins . " Ah , but you see , each person in the Love Square is with the wrong partner . That 's the conflict . " Okay , fine . What 's the solution ? " The solution is that they all get a clue and get with who they 're meant to be with . Duh . He 's a beautiful cat . I mention him because he 's sitting not far from me and I have to pet him every once in a while because he is irresistibly soft . Unfortunately , his claws are Raptor sharp . He 's also kinda dopey , and my dad sings songs to him , but . . . he 's wonderful . I 'm his favorite . When my mom gets off the phone , I 'm going to take a deep breath and follow up with Starbucks about my interview . I really want that job . Pray that I get it . Just a quick , " Lord , let her get that job . " You can pray it in your head . Real quick . Now . Way - ull . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I don 't have too much to say these days . There isn 't a whole lot going on . That 's okay . Just sayin ' . Musically , they 're very enjoyable . Vocally , they 're not bad . Lyrically , I 've mostly heard love songs , and I have no beef with that . I think my favorite song is " Drive By . " * sigh * Today . If there was ever an example of " the worst day ever " in my life , it would be today . Mostly the first part . The second part wasn 't " bad " , per se , but it was tainted by the first . I know that the Lord has purpose in all things , and He places us where He wants us , and He puts things in our hands and tells us to deal with them in a Christ - like manner . But this ? I want to throw it on the ground and run away . Unfortunately , running away is impossible . I don 't even really know what it is that 's so challenging . For whatever reason , I am fighting it hard . Mentally , emotionally . . . I am kicking and screaming , almost literally . And you know ? I always wondered what people meant when they said they kicked and screamed through something the Lord put before them . I would think to myself , " Have I ever done that ? Nothing 's been that bad . . I don 't think . . " Now I know what it 's like . Sure , there 's always a light at the end of the tunnel , but reaching that light is 100 % dependent on me and my willingness to obey . With each step of obedience is a step forward to the light . Yet , I fight . I 'm not sure , really , what the Lord wants to teach me . I can 't name it off the top of my head . I can 't look at my life and list off what I know the Lord wants to work out of me . I 'm just not sure , but whatever it is , I have thus far bit and scratched at God about it . I don 't always feel this way . I 'm not walking under a dark cloud every day . I 'm not always putting on a face and consciously suppressing my true feelings . Sometimes I don 't think about it and I 'm fine . But then days like today happen and there is an explosion of self . It 's very ugly . It 's very comfortable . It 's all wrong . And it won 't go away until . . . something . Wait ! Yes , I do . Okay , so you 'll recall that I recently bought a book of Oscar Wilde 's plays . I started reading it a couple days ago , and the first play is called " Lady Windermere 's Fan . " While I was reading yesterday , I realized something about the character of Lady Agatha ( she 's the daughter of the Duchess of Berwick . ) See , Lady Agatha has only ever said the words , " Yes , Mamma . " However , here is what I know about Lady Agatha : She has delicate health , is in love with a man named Mr . Hopper , who is from Australia ; she wants to visit Australia , and has accepted the proposal of what I assume is marriage from Mr . Hopper - and is very excited about it . Also , she apparently is sillier than she seems at first . And yet , all she says is " Yes , Mamma . " Sometimes , " Yes , Mamma ! " Isn 't that amazing ? That a man would take the time to write a character so seemingly dull ( that 's what I thought when I realized all she said was two words , ) and yet she 's far more interesting ! I 'm sorry , it 's just . . . this guy is pretty great . For all his problems and ego , there is no denial of his talent . " Between men and women there is no friendship possible . There is passion , enmity , worship , love , but no friendship . " - Lord Darlington , " Lady Windermere 's Fan " And then I read that , and was like , " Oscar , you sly dog . " And then I shrugged and said to myself , " Well , I guess we 'll see . Oscar could be wrong . " So , anyway . I 'm really glad I bought this book . I started carrying books around with me ( read , I have done it once so far . ) I 'm trying to read more of the Bible and spiritual books in general , because my walk with the Lord has been weak these past months . Not because I don 't talk to the Lord , or anything . My faith is secure , and I talk to the Lord all the time , but I don 't feed myself with the Word , etc . So I 'm reading daily devotionals ( Oswald Chambers , Andrew Murray , and Joni Erikson Tada ) and like a Psalm and a Proverb every day . A guy from MZ also started an online Bible Study group for whoever wants to jump in . They just did the book of John , which I didn 't do , but today they 're starting Acts and I 'm going to do that too . . . . I have a handful of " silly romantic daydreams " , and I actually believe that the Lord will orchestrate them ( especially since one of them has happened . Two , maybe . One definitely and it was so surreal , I knew it was just God being like , " Here , this experience will make you happy . " And I was like , " Whaaaat ? " ) . . . As much as I appreciate science and logic , etc , I just can 't deny my love for the arts . Acting / theatre especially . I just love it . I think it 's good to do things like this once in a while - it helps me cement in my head who I am as a person . Not that I don 't know who I am , but you know . It 's good to step back and be like , " Yeah . . . I DO enjoy this . No , I DON ' T want to do that one day . " Well , anyhow . My mom and I just finished doing some cleaning and organizing on the porch . During that time , we had the distinct pleasure of talking about boys . Really , we were talking about men because . . . technically , I 'm a woman , not a girl , and I 'm attracted to men , not boys . I do know that when I get my act together , God will bring together the act which is my love life . I know where I 'm at spiritually , and it 's not where I could and should be . And the reason for that is simply because I lack discipline . It 's embarrassing , honestly . Like , I feel a literal shame at how lacking I am when I know HOW to get where I should be . But I 'm telling you anyway , because it 's good to tell people things like this . It keeps us accountable to a point . . even if someone doesn 't come check up on me , I can remind myself that I 've put myself on blast about my spiritual lack . Of course , I can also talk myself out of what I know I should do . Which is what I tend to do . I talk myself out of things that I know Ican accomplish , that I know how to accomplish , and that I know are good for me . It 's pretty twisty . Ultimately , it stems from immaturity . Which is fine , to a point . It 's not really fine anymore , though . I 'm mature , but I 'm not really . And if I want to make it as a quality adult , I need to shape up . Is it bad if I say that it would help if I had a more serious job ? Just saying . ( Dear Jackie from Newburyport , please call me back and hire me . Thanks . ) ifglkjnfkjnfd . So , one time , I unintentionally turned someone against me by doing nothing except being myself . And possibly having luxurious curly locks ( it 's really my one vanity , and even then I 'm not being too serious . Don 't judge me . ) Did you know I almost cut all my hair off ? I was going to do it the week Geri came to visit . I ended up having to cancel my appointment because I had no money , and as super spiritual as it sounds , I think it 's the Lord that I ended up not doing it . I would have regretted it . Especially after disliking my hair for so long . I associate short hair on me with a really geeky faux - rockstar period of my life . I donated it all to Locks of Love , and the lady who cut it didn 't really style it . She just kinda chopped it off and left me looking like this : Bleh , 16 . Well , let 's be honest . It was a good year . My mom planned a surprise party for me , and it was lovely . I think I cried , actually . No word yet on Newburyport ( did I mention that I really love downtown Newburyport ? ) I 'm just a sucker for downtowns , really . Okay , time is passing REALLY slowly . I put Jayden and Lileigh down for naps almost an hour ago , but it feels like two hours . Time 's been passing slowly all week , though , I feel . I 'd be pushing Jaden on the swings , ( the past two days I was babysitting another brother and sister , Jaden and Claire ) , I 'd look at the clock and it says 1 : 30 , and then it says 1 : 38 after what feels like thirty minutes later . Well , let 's start at the beginning . Last week , my friend Geraldine came to visit . Also this past week , was VBS , Wild West Style . Starting in chronological order : I write an email late Sunday night asking if anyone can drive me to the train station after VBS on Monday so that I can meet Geri at South Station . The next morning I get one negative , and one nice lady named Heidi says she can take me . Dandy ! The first day of VBS goes great . I was the music leader , and as far as I can tell , the kids are nothing short of genius for being able to learn five songs so quickly in sign language . I mean , I 'm amazed that I can keep them straight in my head for more than a few hours . So . On to the " station . " I was expecting a train station . I was taken to a bus station . . . that went straight to South ! Hollaaa . Saved money and just got Geri and I together in a snap . On the bus ride , I read the majority of an article in the New Yorker about Ben Stiller . But DANG - that thing was LONG . Like , a zillion pages . Maybe 15 . Of tiny print . About Ben Stiller and the film world . Now , I love Ben Stiller AND the film world , but really ? Meet up with Geri , laugh right away , and we decide to make a day of Boston , since we 're there already . My mom tells us to go to the Commons by taking such and such on the Red Line , etc . Now , as much as I love the T , I don 't understand it at all , really . BUT . No need to think about it . In search for an Apple store , we ended up in the Commons just by walking . it was pretty great . So we just walked everywhere . Literally . From the South to the North of Boston . With luggage ( the bag I carried apparently had ten pound weights in it , so that why I had indents in my shoulders by the end of the day . ) It was just a perfect day . We just walked and sat and laughed and talked . We took a Swan Boat ride . Waved at the Cheers bar . Met this great lady who loves the bikes that are placed all over the city for people to rent . She saw us look at them and began raving about how much weight she lost with them . And then told us we had to check out Cheers . We saw her again not long after , she was super . We proceeded to take a really long detour ( the opposite direction ) to the North End . We had to turn around and cross the entire Commons . LONG . Let 's see . At some point ( 5 : 30ish ? ) we ended up at Government Center and were hungry ( after eating pretty much nothing . ) Tried doing Greek , but it was closed . So , we headed to Zoup 's . Enter Mannie . The guy who works at Zoup 's . The guy who is a really obvious flirt , and yet not quite manly enough to directly ask a girl he 's never met before out on a date . We stayed for a while so Geri could charge her phone and by the end of the night , after being indirectly asked out and telling Mannie that I don 't make the first phone call , and not giving him my number , Mannie had given me his phone number and told me to text him , " When it 's the right time . " Oh my . He was really smooth about it too . Had the way he was going to give me his number all planned out ( it was tucked under the counter . . it was kinda corny . ) I 'm keeping it as a momento of the first time a man has tried to pick me up . Certainly flattering considering that I looked like a mess . Well , we leave Zoup 's and Mannie , forever - we look across the street and see a bunch of people exercising ! Geri and I are like . . . " We HAVE to go do that . " So that 's what we do . Disregarding any potential traffic , we run across the street and join this massive Zumba class ! It was amazing . Definitely a major highlight of the week . We even stayed for the group picture , even though this was a group of people that had been meeting for weeks . It was too big to notice . Geri took a picture with the instructor too . Well , after that , our days were pretty much the same . VBS , home , sleep and chill . We also worked out . It was an easy and yet tiring week . JOB INTERVIEW . Yes , I had an interview at Starbucks . Not Haverhill , but Newburyport ( the one I really want deep down ) . The ladies at MSBC were sweet enough to lay hands on my and pray for me , and let me tell ya , prayer works ! I was relaxed , I was myself , I had answers to questions . I felt comfortable with the Manager , Jackie , and I hope she liked me ! I think she did . I really hope I hear back from her . I love Newburyport . It 's just so darn adorable . The ocean is nice , too . But that shop is just so nice . And when I told her my coffee philosophy , she said that I was speaking the Starbucks language ! Without even trying . I have the heart of Starbucks . . . HIRE ME . lol Okay . Well , this is long . The end of my week was a massive cold . Thankfully it 's subsiding . I feel fairly normal now , but yesterday and the day before were awful . Also , I am babysitting like a mad lady this week . Every day . Except Friday and the weekend . Which is okay , cuz I 'm broke . If you 're new here , you may be wondering , " What the heck does ' Life Over Pancakes ' mean ? ? " Understandable . It 's a little obscure , but it 's a phrase that I hold near to my heart . Check out the post " Why pancakes " to get the full story ! Let me backtrack a little . When I was about 12 years old , I decided that I wasn 't going to date . I was going to wait until God brought . . .
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Four months ago today Mama had her last night on this earth . She was taking long gaps between breaths . Scary long ones . It seemed like she was taking her last breath a hundred times over . I remember shaking her arm and pleading with her to breathe . " Breathe , Mama , please breathe ! " I felt like I was holding my own breath waiting for the next gasp to come . I was crying and praying and calling for family to come over and be with us . And through it all I was somehow also praying for my nephew and his wife . Because I had gotten the message that they were at the hospital , in labor , struggling through the birthing pains of their firstborn . Then I got the news . They had a healthy baby boy ! I leaned close to Mama and said , " You have another great - grandson , Mom ! Simon has been born ! " And I smiled through tears and prayed that Mama would make it past midnight , so she didn 't pass on his birthday . And then , after hours of agonizing breaths , she started breathing regularly again . Only now there was a gurgling sound . And that was even scarier , in a different way . My husband called the hospice nurse , who got there about midnight . She confirmed that Mama was passing . It could be hours . " Make the most of this time , " the nurse said . " Talk to her . " And I remember thinking , I 've been making the most of this time for years now . I 've spoken my apologies . I 've expressed my love and gratitude . I 've sung and read the Bible and told her stories of my life and hers . I 've spoken to her about heaven and how beautiful it will be and who she will see there . I 've reminded her that Jesus saved us and we trust in Him and we 'll all be together again . I was thankful I 'd said it all over and over again through the years of dementia . I only wish I 'd said more of it while her mind was still strong . But I had taken the time to say every word I could think to say , every word I had needed to say , over and over again through the years . And now as Mama lay dying , I was at peace about that . She never opened her eyes that night . I don 't know if she heard anything or not . But I played a CD of hymns and I held her hand and I told her I loved her , again and again . And I cuddled up next to her on the bed . In the morning , as my daughter and I were giving her medications and repositioning her , we suddenly noticed she had passed somewhere in the process . The hospice nurse later told me this was very common . We cried . We sat on either side of Daddy and told him and we all held onto each other and wept . I went to look in on Mama again , and I noticed a gentle smile on her face - so slight . And she looked so incredibly peaceful . It brought me such a comfort to see a peace I hadn 't seen for years - if ever . My daughter , and others , marveled at it , too . And now we 've been adjusting to life without Mama for the last four months . Last night I was babysitting my youngest granddaughter . I can 't see anything in her that resembles my mom , and yet she wouldn 't be here if Mom never had been . My sweet granddaughter is part of Mama 's legacy . And then it dawned on me that God gave each of my brothers and I precious gifts , the same year he took Mama Home . He gave me my first biological grandchild in April . He gave my older brother his fifth grandchild in October . He gave my younger brother his first grandchild , as Mama was slipping away . And He gave my baby brother the news that he will be a first time daddy this July ! Mama , your love lives on ! Your grandchildren and great - grandchildren are beautiful and strong ! And I can 't wait to meet your newest grandchild this summer ! Thank you for passing on a heritage of faith and love that is rich and warm and deep . Your heart beats on in the legacy you have left behind . We will do our best to tell your great - grandchildren about you , Mama . And we will pass on the family recipes and songs and stories . And most importantly we will teach them about Jesus , and share the faith you shared with us . And someday , because of His tender mercies and our faith in Him , we will be together again . My precious mama was welcomed into heaven Monday morning . She passed on at home and in her own bed . My daughter , Annie , and I were with her when she breathed her last , and she left us with a gentle smile on her face looking more peaceful than I 've seen her in years . We miss her already , but take comfort in picturing her surrounded by loved ones who have journeyed on ahead of her and in knowing she is in the presence of our Lord . People ask me how I am , and I think I 'm doing better than I would expect . I asked my husband if this was all God 's grace or if I was still in shock . He said , " I think it 's the David factor . " " You know , " he said . " David was praying and fasting that God would spare his son , but when his son died David got up off the ground and ate and was better . " ( 2 Samuel 12 : 15 - 23 ) David 's servants were surprised and asked him about it . " And he said , " While the child was alive , I fasted and wept ; for I said , ' Who can tell whether the Lord will be gracious to me , that the child may live ? But now he is dead ; why should I fast ? Can I bring him back again ? I shall go to him , but he shall not return to me . ' " ( Samuel 12 : 22 - 23 , NKJV ) And it hit me how insightful Jeff was of my feelings . I have spent years praying and fretting over and caring for Mama . And the last week of her life had been so intense . I had slept with her all but one of the evenings . I had been with her most of each day . I had prayed and hoped and cried . I had called the nurses over and over and followed their instructions . I had done all I knew to do for Mama and had tried to make her comfortable . I hoped and prayed I had done it all right . I held her hand and sang to her . I read the Bible to her . I brushed her hair and rubbed her back . I cuddled with her and told her how much I loved her . I sent out the news . Family came over . Friends and relatives messaged and called . Annie and I changed Mama into her pink dress . She looked so beautiful . Papers were signed . I watched as Mama was rolled away from her home and left us for the last time . Oh sweet Mama . And now I 'm learning more about grief . Most of the time it feels like this weight on my heart . I feel close to tears more often than not , but am still functioning okay . My family is watching out for me and doing the cooking and shopping , in between meals kindly given us . I 'm trying to manage my responsibilities . Dad is my new caregiving concern . We are trying to make sure he 's getting enough company . He loved his sweetheart , as he called her , so much and seems so fragile now . I sat down with my prayer list this morning . And I came to Mom 's name and puzzled over the fact that I didn 't need to pray for her anymore . She is with Jesus now . Everything is perfect for her . So I prayed through tears that Jesus would give her a hug for me and tell her how much I love her . After lunch I thought I 'd better make more progress on my delayed Christmas shopping . I looked at my list and saw Mom 's name and burst into tears . I know she will be having an amazing Christmas this year , but I was struck that I couldn 't give her anything on this earth again . But what a sweet comfort to know that Mama is with Jesus . And with her own mama and daddy and sister . She is seeing friends and grandparents . She is pain free and clear of mind . She is having the best Christmas ever . Monday was Mama 's birthday . I brought her homemade cake and lit candles and we sang to her . I got no reaction . Not a word . Not even a raised eyebrow or a hint of a smile . A few days later , Mama had massage therapy and music therapy at the same time . I usually just watch Dad 's face as he takes joy in the music , because Mama usually sleeps through it all . But this time Mama looked right at Dad , while Becky sang Let Me Call You Sweetheart , and Mama smiled ! Becky told Dad , who can 't see Mama because of his blindness , that Mom was smiling at him . And oh how his chin quivered and his eyes misted and then how my eyes watered . And Mama stayed alert and awake for the rest of the music and looked cheerful and smiled and seemed to join in with the pleasure of the day . Today , the hospice nurse practitioner came to see if Mama still qualifies for services . And though Mom is typically quiet and mellow in the morning these days , today she was agitated and yelling . But the nurse practitioner mentioned how nice she looked . And our regular hospice nurse , Terri , said , " I think pink is her color . " I agreed , thinking Mama looked so pretty in her pink dress with her white hair brushed back from her face . And I think how much her reactions fluctuate . And how startling it can be that though Mom doesn 't know her own name anymore , she can still quickly reply with fitting or witty words at times . Even though other times she says nothing at all . Dementia still surprises me . Mama uses the word crazy often . She said something about it today and a caregiver asked , " Do you think I 'm crazy ? " I was in one of those gloomy valley 's this week and shared some concerns with our understanding nurse , Terri . I told her , " Life is hard . And then it gets harder . At least the end of the story is good though . At least we have heaven . " And she spoke words of wisdom , learned perhaps through her own valley times . I wish I 'd written down her words , so this isn 't a perfect quote , but basically she said , " God gives us grace each day . Sometimes He seems stingy or slow , but He gives us grace enough . " She spoke with a smile and with the gentle authority of someone who knows she speaks truth . And her words sung courage to my heart . Dementia is arbitrary . The surprises keep coming . We never know what the next day , next hour , or next minute may startle us with . Maybe it will make us laugh . Or maybe it will make us weep . Often it will be heartbreaking . Sometimes breathtaking . But this we can know . God is with His children . All who trust in Jesus and follow Him can know that He will give grace . Grace enough . For every day . Always . I was in tears . Becky , the music therapist , came again today . Dad requested more hymns this time . And hearing Becky sing How Great Thou Art and Amazing Grace was balm to my soul . Because it 's been a tough week . A few days ago I had called 911 for my mother - in - law with fears that she was having a stroke . Thankfully she wasn 't , and she 's doing well now . But she spent a night in the hospital with all the anxiety that surrounds that . We 've had other stresses I won 't share here , except to say caregiving can strain relationships . And life doesn 't stop because you are caregiving or since someone you love is in hospice . It keeps flowing on , and problems and conflicts and emotions keep crashing like waves , threatening sometimes to flood your heart and pull you down under . I looked at Mama reclining in her chair , as Becky sang . Mama looked so pale and still . She seems more quiet this week and I 'm afraid maybe I really am losing her . Because even though she 's in hospice care , there 's a big part of me that 's in denial . I 've heard of people living two years in hospice care and I 've been counting on that all along . At least two years . But when I see her eating less . And talking less . And moving less - it 's harder . And more fearful . I looked at her today and made sure she was breathing . I remembered how , a few years ago , Dad had called me to come help because Mama had fallen . When I 'd walked into the living room Mama was lying on the floor on her side singing , What a Friend we Have in Jesus . And I thought , at the time , what a perfect song to sing when you 're stuck on the floor and waiting for help . You are my sweetheart , my only sweetheart . You make me happy when days are gray . You never know dear , how much I love you . Won 't you be my sweetheart today . So Becky sang the song Dad 's way . And Dad 's chin quivered . And my eyes watered . And Mama opened her eyes . So Becky sang it again . It 's been a tough week . It 's been a hard day . But I 'm thankful for the support of our hospice team as they surround us and hold us up with love and caring hearts and hands - on help . And most of all I 'm thankful that we truly do have a friend in Jesus . And He does bear my sins and griefs . And I can go to Him in prayer and pour out my heart to Him and know that He is carrying me , and Mama and Dad and my family . We are in His strong arms . We can trust Him always . Jesus won 't drop us . He won 't let go . He can calm the storm or He can walk on the waves . I can rest in Him and know that He is faithful and good always . What a friend we have ! A substitute hospice nurse came today , and shared some wisdom that I am pondering . She was kind and wonderful , as all the hospice people seem to be . I think it 's in their contract . Or their DNA , or something . And I sat there , feeding Mama the rest of her lunch . Mama had settled down again after some howling while her toe was being cared for . And I wondered what else the nurse could do to help . I said , " I wish I could do something to make Mama happy again . She used to smile and laugh . I used to be able to do things to give her moments of joy . And now she 's either yelling and upset , or she 's quiet and blank looking . The best we get is a small closed - mouth smile once in awhile . Nothing I try seems to make a difference as far as making her happy . " And I realized again what a helpless feeling that is . And I wondered again why I hadn 't done more when I could have given her pleasure just by being with her . Why didn 't I take her on more outings when she could still get in the car and enjoy that ? Why didn 't I spend more hours talking to her and singing with her and filling her up so she was overflowing with love and joy when I could ? Why didn 't I do more when what I did still made a difference to her ? I ask my husband this sometimes . And he answers , " Because you have your own family and husband and children , too . " And he reassures me that I spent lots of time with Mama . And maybe I did . But of course the " I could haves and I should haves " taunt me now . And now nothing I do seems to impact Mama positively . I can still make her holler and protest , by changing her or moving her or doing anything with her she doesn 't want to do at that moment . But I don 't know how to add one iota of happiness to her life anymore . I don 't know how to give her pleasure . Nothing I do brings a smile . She added , " It took me a few years to learn this . But look at your mom now . She is content . She is peaceful . This is her new happy . " I sat and looked at Mama . She had finished her whole lunch . She was resting comfortably in her recliner . No one was taking her vitals or washing her toe anymore . She let me hold her hand as she relaxed under her colorful blanket . Dad had just reminded her , a few minutes earlier , " I 'm here , Nina . I 'm right here . " I stopped at Mama 's rose bush on my way home . I 'd already brought Mama a rose , but when I held it for her to smell she thought she was supposed to eat it . I 'd left it there in some water near her , in hopes that the scent of it might waft over and give her some pleasure . But I looked at the roses again now . Because I wanted something for myself . The blooms were all overly opened and falling apart already . I couldn 't find any that looked just right . So , I finally picked a bud , gingerly so the thorns wouldn 't prick . I took it home and put it in a cup . It hasn 't opened up big and beautiful . It 's tiny and humble . But it smells sweet . And something about having Mama 's rose here on my desk makes me happy . The hospice workers are pretty amazing . Such compassionate , gifted people . Today Mama had her hair shampooed and nails filed , by a hospice aid . And then a massage therapist came and somehow gently massaged Mama , as she reclined in her chair , for at least half an hour . And Mama never hollered once ! It 's hard to see Mama struggling so much to get up . And to know she is bending over and struggling so to walk . It 's heartbreaking to see her stare blankly . I just want to do something to make her all better . I want my Mom back . I want to see her smile again . I want to hear her laugh . As I fed Mama lunch today she reached out and gently patted my arm and played with my sleeve . And it was a sweet comfort . A loving touch . I have brothers that do what they can to help . I am blessed with a husband who is so understanding and supportive and helpful . I have a daughter and son that are incredible caregivers to their grandma . And we have other great care givers that faithfully help us and now we also have the resources and support of hospice . And most importantly we have Jesus , the savior of our souls . And because of His death and resurrection , because He took the punishment for our sins , and because Mama believed in Him , I know she will be better than okay . She will be in paradise when God calls her Home . And we will be together again someday . And then I will have my mom back . And I will see her smile again . And I will know she knows me . And I will hear her laugh once more .
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I realized today that my palms still seem to register about the same degree of sensitivity as ever . It is the fingers themselves , particularly my fingertips , where I notice a diminishing sense of touch . It is becoming less sensate every day . I am very much concerned about lack of temperature sense , and spoke to my pshrink Rhonda about these concerns yesterday . She suggested using thermometers , and that seems like a practical temporary solution , so I will try to find something to use that is appropriate for the application . My longing and regret is that I was an absent father for such a long time , and such a critical period in the lives of my sons . I am sad that I missed so much , and feel guilty that I was not there for them . I weep to know of times they needed a dad , and I was not there , and my heart aches . I can never make up for times lost , but can try to make some recompense for the damage I caused , and hopefully they will accept some benign advice and well - intentioned guidance from admittedly foolish and crippled old man . In the horror of nightmares , one recurs . I never understood quite what it meant to me until now . Perhaps it seems more significant , given the current circumstances with myself and my family . I am dreaming that I am in the woods with a group of young boys . They seem to be looking to me as their leader . We are all more or less outfitted in uniform green . I tell them all about handling explosives and primer cord safely , and leave them to experiment with the case of the unstable stuff . As I walk away , suddenly there is a flash and a huge detonation , and many screaming voices and cries of distress . I turn to look , and see the broken and agonized , suffering and begging me , pleading for help ! And above all , the living , broken survivors suffering in such pain , and askng me , why didn 't I stop them ? Why ? I am pretty certain that I suffered another mild stroke or TIA in the brain stem region of my brain last week . I did not feel another trip to doctors or hospital stay was warranted , given the circumstances . They would simply document the new damage , and have me go through more interminable series of " stupid pet tricks " . I cannot abide more of that so - solicitous don 't you just want some anti - depressants to make you feel all happy and cheerful ? Well , no , thanks anyway , but sometimes I just want to wallow in misery and self - pity . I 'll get over it . Like the gods who prepared Achilles , they left me with a weakness . It is obvious that I need an occasional refuge from the harshness of reality . SSRIs and drug - induced euphoria simply do not seem to do it for me . So I take leave from reality . I lose my grip . I go slightly nuts . However you want to put it . The place I find comfort is inside , a dream world of fantasy and perhaps a bit warp nightmarish that simply does not exist outside the walls of my mind . There is a fully rational part of me that knows and recognizes this fact . But , nonetheless , sometimes I give in to the fantasy . Perhaps it is a regression to childhood dreams . If it is , I don 't remember them , or have blocked the recollection . All I know is that it somehow works . . . Yesterday I witnessed the memorial for my son Jim and daughter Jen as they buried their infant daughter who was lost in too early childbirth . The baby was perhaps only 6 months of term , and was simply too premature to survive in this world . Her tiny mortal body only survived a few minutes before she succumbed to the struggle . After I thought the nurse was trying to start an autopsy on me , things are a bit blurry for a while . I saw a lot of ceiling tiles of hallways of the U Hospital as I was wheeled around form place to place , and I suppose someone told me what they were doing to me , but I don 't recall much of it . One incident I recall fairly clearly in a sort of vignette memory was the performance of cerebral angiogram . They placed me on some sort of apparatus like a turntable that allowed them to rotate my body as needed to feed a catheter up from femoral insertion point , through my heart , and into my brain . From there , each separate vascular system of my brain could be singly injected with x - ray opaque dye timed with blood flow to outline the select vascular system on a fluoroscope and trace the brain 's individual vascular flow very distinctly and very finely . I listened as the techs and the neurologists chattered , as this procedure progressed , and they watched the pictures form . They talked to me occasionally , mostly by way of offering instruction and encouragement . They noted one major system after another was " slick " , or " looks good " . " Clean as a whistle " was an expression I kept hearing . Then they steered the catheter into the basilar artery system , and everyone grew more quiet . They commented about obvious extensive development of atherosclerosis , saying that the vascular path of the basilar artery system is what they term " tortuous " . Accumulation of extensive scar tissue and plaque build up are the obvious source of brain stem strokes . This was pretty grim news , because it pretty much confirms that the strokes are not much subject to any kind of medical intervention , and all they can do is let nature take its course , with some very good measures that can prolong my term but only effectively delay more inevitable brain stem damage . Even these good doctors cannot give me a new basilar artery system . Somewhere about this time , Dr . Skalabrin , whom I presumptuously and affectionately started calling " Dr . Brin " , literally adopted me as her cause . I was not aware at the time , and not until much later , but she became my private advocate in the neurology department , and worked tirelessly on my case . Indeed , she exhausted herself and her personal energy , and after they found the spinal tumors , her own colleagues insisted that she go home and not come back to work until she had rested sufficient . The first I remember that I personally noted Dr . Brin was one day when she came in to my hospital room leading the teaching rounds . She lead the team through extensive neurological examination , which I have taken to referring to as " stupid pet tricks " after having performed these types of manipulations so many times . After Dr . Brin was satisfied , she summarized with a short speech of encouragement that I thought was part for MY benefit - - I don 't remember anything of what she said , except that she iterated the neurological deficits they noted , and very emphatically asserted that they were NOT OKAY . This as an assurance that they would continue to try to find causes . And she was as good as her word . After that , things slowed down again . I interject here that I met a nurse at this point who calls herself " Tina " . She is really of Vietnamese ancestry , so that is not her real name . She was delightfully witty and kind , and I was absolutely enthralled with her cool offhanded comments observations about cultural anthropology . She was really intelligent , and could hold up her side of a discussion as a true peer without any need for me to tone down my rhetoric or make pretences about respectable argumentation . It has been so long since I was so impressed by such a woman that I fell in love with her , and resolved to propose . Like a stupid fool , I approached the whole thing far too aggressively , and of course , she declined . She said she had promised her parents she would never marry but to a Vietnamese man . I understand , but still maintain some hope of salvaging something . A strictly platonic affair is the only ideal I could manage under the circumstances . My next study of ceiling tiles was a trip across the ward to a room where they conduct EEG studies . With the help of some very capable EEG techs , I donned a not - so - fashionable hat crafted of dozens of electrodes pasted on to various places on my scalp and around my head , with a tail of many colored wires trailing back to a mysterious black box that fed signals into a polygraph trace machine . I could not blink my eye or wrinkle my nose without the machine tracing lots of squiggly lines down the paper to record the event . The neurology team was disappointed in the EEG results in one respect . I was definitely not having anything like epileptic seizures . After a multitude of " Shark Attacks " under close medical scrutiny , there was no conclusive brain signature that would be indicative of any kind of seizure activity . I started hearing groups of doctors gathering outside the door conducting whispered conferences of concern , using words like " psychotic " and " somatoform " . While I was in the EEG study , there was a visit from the psychiatric team that I cannot recall the details of clearly . I will ask for some assistance from others to recall . One thing I do recall very vividly was a question directed from the head of the team , delivered in rather a tone of amazement . " Then , you have hope ? " , he asked . I answered him most emphatically and in the affirmative , that I have the most firm of convictions that the course and purpose of my life is firmly sealed , and that I place utmost faith and confidence in that . That is all I remember of the incident . My darling sweet grandchildren played by my bed , and were intrigued by my strange looking multicolored hat . Katelynn , a precocious 7 - year - old , was curious enough to climb up on the bed and take a closer look , but Christopher , the young two - year - old son , was happier with his great - grandmothers lap and views of the fire engines and life flight helicopters operations visible from the fifth - floor window view . He was having nothing to do with the old guy in the bed wearing the weird - looking hat , and I can 't say that I blame him . On other occasions , all four of my sons , visited at the same time , and we exchanged hugs . My sons gave honest pledges and unmistakable tokens of their love , and I believed them . It had been so many years since I had even seen my sons . Even to see one of them was beyond my greatest dream . Imagine all of them gathering together . If I had to die right then , I was ready for heaven . Fortunately , heaven did not ask me yet . Not just yet . In fact , sacred promises were made and sealed upon this occasion that I would live years to survive and I believe long enough time to fulfil my mission here upon the earth . I look forward to that with eager anticipation , and am hoping it involves spending time with my sons and their families . That will be almost as blissful as heaven itself . For the next act , Dr . Brin summoned me once again to the imaging lab , this time for an MRI scan of my spinal column . All of the scans heretofore had focussed on the brain , but Dr . Brin apparently deduced that they were missing something significant from the neurological deficit picture . So , scanning for abnormalities of the spinal column . It turned out to be a very inspired action . They detected an abnormality - a tumor mass on the lumbar spinal column . Of the type known as a Schwannoma , the tumor was judged to be significant , and the neurosurgeon , Dr . Kenneth Yonemura was summoned to operate at 1 : 00 in the morning . He responded with every haste , and the procedure was performed . Hallelujah ! I could feel my feet moving as they should feel ! There was an immediate and gratifying sense of proprioception in my lower body that was completely and totally absent before the surgery . Dr . Digre prescribed increased dosage of Verapamil , a calcium channel blocker . The desired effect is to dilate the walls of smooth muscle such as spasming arteries that thought to be principal cause of the " Shark Attacks " . Read more here . This from Dr . Digre at the Moran Eye Center at University of Utah Hospital Clinics . She is a Neuro - opthamologist specialialist of long standing and experience . After an examination of some hours , and help from a couplof assistants , this was the initial diagnosis . Her recommendation was drug therapy that further relax cerebrovascular elements that are spasming to cause the " Shark Attacks " . Relaxing the basilar artery will result in an overall increase of blood flow to the brain stem in general , hopefully resulting in reduction and eventual elimination of the condition that results in syncope and spasms . This is the first good news . I thought this artists picture was intriguing , because my neurosurgeon cut me open just about exactly where the doppler waves seem to be emanating from , at least judging by the scar on my back . I think the took out some of the baby back ribs , or something . Maybe not , I guess thats really not the kind they serve at Chili 's anyway . In 2008 , my partner and I bid for some forestry contracting work clearing overgrown forest land in the Fishlake National Forest . The contract work start date was contingent on pending surveys of the nesting goshawk population . If there were found to be nesting goshawks in the area , the beginning of work operations in the area would have to be delayed appropriately to avoid disturbing the nesting and brooding goshawk pair . Why does the use of one preclude the good pleasure of another ? Who gets priority or first pick ? Why does one particular group or interest represent more " goodness " or " merit " than any other particular group ? When I lived on the Colorado Front Range for several years , I saw dramatic illustration of how irrational this rule can have been applied in historic times . During the frantic settling and mining history of the West , Colorado was ruled by railroad and mining interests . If there was something to be dug out of the ground , or needed some rails to get you there quick , you only need bring enough men and shovels and dynamite , and mountains could be overcome . Eventually , mountains were overcome , and there was nothing left in places but barren ugliness . That was such a sadness , if we had known what we were doing , we would have wept at the madness . In these beautiful places , we bypassed the beauty to hurry through dark underground labyrinths , past the mountains and forests and the rivers and streams , on our way to more of the man - created ugliness . Incredible . Okay . Enough of the hubris . Stop , before we destroy everything that brings wonder and joy to human hearts . " Tree hugging " is certainly justified , from this very personal perspective . These kinds of questions cannot be answered . There are no answers , only questions . The point is to ask them before it is too late , and ask the informed question there IS an answer for now . We must ask before we do a thing we now know that we CAN do , if we SHOULD do ? Therein lies wisdom . My friend , Patricia , mentions an incident that took place some few years ago in one division of the Canyonlands National Park , where a temporary closure of the area was implemented and permanent closure was urged by some certain extreme advocates . If it is the same event I have researched and have received reports on now , the closure was implemented in the summer of 1995 . It was occasioned by an unusual event documented at this NPS WEB site . Some visitors to the Horseshoe Unit " Great Gallery " happened by chance to discover some invaluable and as yet unknown cache of artifacts in that immediate vicinity . The people were good enough to report their find undisturbed to the park service officials , and the closure was implemented immediately , so that archaeologists and other scientists could have a chance to study this find in place , undisturbed as it had been cached for aeons of time . They also took the opportunity to comb the area for any other such artefacts . After they were satisfied that the search was complete and thorough , the closure was lifted . Thus it has been explained to me . Sounds reasonable and prudent . The proposal for the timber sale was opposed by a local environmental group , and tied up in court . It has never been settled . Most of the standing timber is well past prime now , and not worth logging . The Forest Service would likely have to pay a contractor to clear cut the area rather than use the profits from harvesting timber to pay for their logging operations . In the mean time , the predominantly lodgepole pine stand has become heavily infested with bark beetles and dwarf mistletoe disease , and is largely without value at the sawmill , but stands as a substantial hazard to wildfire threat . Speaking of posting , you may have noticed that public land management agencies have resorted to new space age materials for signage in recent times . One of the reasons for this is simply economy . The materials are cheaper plastic based and last longer . The other is a more sinister indicator . It is because the newer materials are more resistant to vandalism and destruction . When I was first introduced to the forest environment , I had read the works of men like John Muir and Gifford Pinchot . I would no more consider destroying a sign or defacing something in the forest than I would spit at my mother . But a new generation apparently regards the forest differently . They somehow see the world through a different set of lenses . They don 't regard the sacrosanct in every forest glade and grotto , like I do . What enjoyment do they derive from wilderness ? In the wanton and seeming senseless destruction of things , apparently . These quiet old farms in Milburn hide some secret places that few people have ever visited . I first sought out the headwaters of Sanpitch River just out of curiosity , but was at first frustrated for quite a long time by the many barb wire fences and no trespassing signs that stood in the way . Then one day , just by accident , I happened across that magic yellow gate that opened access to the Forest Service lands beyond , and suddenly I was happy to roam across many new miles of foothill trail , across the base of the Manti La - Sal . I discovered new places , secret places that only cowboys and sheepherders , foresters and pipeline layers knew about . No one else ever came here . Most remarkable was finding the Sanpitch headwaters . It is a beautiful glade , shady and cool , sheltered under tall old Douglas firs on the south , and a mass of aspens on the north , that makes the steep canyon a private , hidden place , where the world cannot find you , and cool waters come tumbling off the Skyline straight from snowbanks . The banks are over arched with Cornus , the native flowering dogwood species , and it forms a protective barrier that guards against encroachment from any sudden intruders . Along the entrance , scrub oaks guard the way , growing so close down along the way that they scratched the paint badly along the sides of my 4runner , and I was angry , until I arrived at the bottom pool of the stream , and saw the enchanted glade beckoning me with a magic sirens song in the soft breeze sighing through the tops of the towering swaying green trees . They must be the silliest acting upland game birds in nature . They exploded literally from under my feet out of the low scrub . If they would have kept still , I never would have even noticed them . As it was , I could have scooped two of them up in my bare hands , and wrang their necks right then . Instead , I watched gape - mouthed as they flopped around like a bunch of drunken spastics . Then they ducked back under the same bush they burst out from in the first place , and just stood there , aquiver and cowering , as if they had somehow done all they could and were resigned to whatever fate was assigned . Stupid , brainless birds . In the same canyon , I had a more educational encounter with a young buck deer . He actually vocalized a challenge as he defended his home territory . I had never realized that deer had much of a voice . This young guy was not too careful about making his feelings known . It sort of sounded like an elk with a cold trying to make a bugle , not loud , but definately airy and harsh sounding and threatening . The buck adopted a very threatening posture too , with all his feet splayed out in a wide stance , like he was ready to start fighting . He was across the creek from me , so I felt I was in no immediate danger , but I was sure he would not hesitate to attack me with all his energy and might if I approached any closer . I backed away slowly , respecting his space , sobered by a close encounter with a wild animal probably weighing probably a third my weight , but still willing to go head to head to defend his home ground . For me , and for you , the freedom of the hills does not come free , nor is it even cheap . It has come to us at a very dear cost , and we must defend it forever , as if our very lives depend on it . As they well do . It was almost a major anticlimax . Turns out , the attending who saw me almost immediately was one of the staff neurologists . That was great , I thought . She bundled me up quick and sent me down right away for an MRI . I thought , we 're off to a so much better start than at either UVRMC or Mountainview , this has just got to turn out so much better ! Things went downhill pretty quick , and were looking like combat for a few touchy minutes . The neurologist took a quick look at the MRI scan and declared that she could find no evidence of brain stem stroke since November . She turned to interogative , demanding why we had not sought a clinic appointment , since there was obviously no stroke or neurological problem that constituted emergency in her estimation . Some other emergency patient was threatening immediate demise without her quick attention , so she ducked out to take care of that situation , after exchanging a few terse words with my mom , who defended her bring me to the ER , saying that the telephone assistance had instructed her to bring me right in . Ruth had her fight reflexes fully aroused , and was ready to pounce with all her fury , but was throwing verbal jabs too fast to make any comprehensible impression . When the doctor left , we reigned in her leash a bit , but I was resigned , and ready to get my clothes on and go home . My dad was trying to help get Ruth to settle down - - I 'm not sure what else he was thinking at that moment . I 'm sure , saying a prayer of desperation in his heart . When the doctor came back , we all unloaded . Ruth reasoned that there were obvious neurological deficits that could not be ignored , and they were getting worse by the minute . Mom said the guys on the hot line told her to bring me , not schedule a clinic appointment , and we lived hours travel away . I said I did not care what the diagnosis was - - I just knew something serious was wrong , and I NEED HELP ! Every other place we have gone said there was nothing wrong , or gave me SSRIs . Please HELP ! Dad tried to inject at logical quiet tone of reason , saying we came there for help , and trusted the doctors to do their best . The doctor finally listened , I think most convincing to her was Ruth 's argument about neurological deficits . She started to administer what I have come to refer to fondly as " stupid pet tricks " because I have now performed them or variations of them so many times . They are as familiar and tiresome and tedious to me now as doing household chores . At the time , some of the tests were very frightening , because I was suddenly confronted with the stark truth - - I failed . I was failing to perform some of the simplest cognitive and physical tests , things I have know how to do without effort since I was a grade school age child . I could not memorize a series of words , and the effort to remember caused a cold sweat to break out . How could I forget something so easy ? She gave me easy reminders , and still , I failed ! Well , I shut my eyes , and I 'm pretty sure I toppled like a felled tree . I couldn 't stand up for hardly a second without my eyes opened or else some other support . I fell over against the gurney , and that pretty well concluded the " stupid pet tricks " for that session . At that point , there was continuing argument about the need for immediate admission , or whether I should come back for clinic exam by her referral in the next day or two . Of course , Ruth was arguing for immediate admission , but the doctor was sceptical . In an inspired idea , Ruth suggested that they ought to perform an immediate lumbar puncture , to examine cerebrospinal fluid pressure and content for abnormalities . In order to defend her great professional skill and proficiency , this neurologist agreed that it was an easy procedure , and that she could just go ahead and do it right there , as if she performs dozens of spinal taps every day . Anyway , whatever Ruth said somehow stroked her professional ego in just the right way to get her to go along . She arranged to perform the LP right away . That is where complications started . I don 't know what . It hurt me more than LP normally does , according to what I understand . It is normally a painful procedure , but this was PAIN to the MAX . I felt like I was having electricity connected to my body directly through my back . And supposedly this was while I was heavily sedated , and supposed to be aware of almost nothing . It was hurting me badly , and it went on for and inordinate length . Apparently , the neurologist had difficulty tapping a spot with enough pressure to provide sufficient flow to fill the test vials . And when she did finally settle upon a spot , the vials filled excruciatingly slowly . I surmise that the doctor was used to tapping patients with high cerebrospinal pressure , from whom the fluid literally squirts generously . Mine was a miserly sluggish slow drip , by comparison . I know not why , nor can I explain why mine would be different than any other . But I remember the pain . After the LP , I understand I was admitted to the neurology ward at the U hospital . Ruth stayed in the room with me and slept on the foldout bed , while mom and dad went to camp out at Aaron and Michelle 's place . I don 't remember , but Ruth says one of the nurses was changing my gown or something , and I woke up enough to be convinced that it was the coroner , preparing me for the autopsy . I think she was doing something like shaving my chest , to place electrodes for the remote sensors of the cardiac telemetering device . Anyway , Ruth says I was trying to convince the nice hispanic - looking woman that I was not dead yet . Lake Fork from Thistle Junction to Indianola is a hidden treasure . The area doesn 't bear too much traffic - - just mostly from curious passer bys or those already in the know . But every once in a while , some less intrepid back roads explorer ends up coming across the old Thistle Junction and the Lake Fork that it hides , and they discover a new world of wonders . At the bottom of the road is located the cause of a tremendous saga in Utah State history . The Thistle slide was a geological event on a global scale of unprecedented proportions . A largely forgotten event now , at the time , just the roadwork to relocate US89 above the flood was a heroic project , needed to restore interstate transport through the area that was interrupted for more that 18 months . At the west end of the old US89 remnant on the Thistle side , a Utah County Sheriffs facility has appropriated the slide to use for shooting practice . It is all fenced off with tall fences and barb wire . Don 't try to go in there . The ruins of the old Thistle school / common building is private property now , so please just look and admire . It is still a great photo op . Don 't look for souvenirs or anything touristy like that , please . Definitely bad form . Photos only . Across the highway and over the big culvert , the Lake Fork Road starts in earnest . Lots of off - road ATV and motocross enthusiasts never make it past this point at all . In fact , there is a sort of shirt - tail RV - park on private land just at the foothill of the mountain here , that offers access to the Forest Service property beneath the high - tension power lines that run across here and beyond . The foothills scrub and oakbrush area are criss - crossed with trails that lead everywhere and nowhere - - an off - road vehicles wet dream . I personally think they are ugly scars on the land , but if you like that sort of thing , this is the place to come . And ENJOY ! That is the nice thing about this land , there is room enough for everyone to spread out without crowding , and do their own thing . Further along the road , there are several places that are private lands along both sides of the road . Please respect ranchers signs and fences and do not disturb historic artifacts or grazing livestock . None of these things are there for your amusement or entertainment . Someone else went to the expense and the bother to fence their land and raised the stock and built the buildings . Leave them as you find them . If gates are locked , assume that someone intended them that way for a purpose , and either take the time to inquire , or leave them alone . Further along , you will finally come to some nicer signs informing you that you are welcomed to Forest Service boundaries , in the Manti La - Sal Division . This is good news , that you have made it this far . You might have encountered a few minor obstacles along the way - - downed logs across , flooded , boggy areas , mud holes , rocks , etc . All just part of the fun . Don 't worry , it will get worse . If that worries you a lot , better turn around now . If you think we 're just getting warmed up , drive on . The road follows Lake Fork and continues to climb alongside it 's course . This is the most remarkable thing to note about this drive . It starts in sagebrush scrub , progresses higher to pinion / juniper , through Doug fir and on up to White fir and Engleman spruce and limber pines , at the very peaks . The progression of ecosystems is very orderly according to exposure and elevation . Remarkable and very instructive to see . Just past the first signs , there are organized camp sites here and there along the creek . I have never taken much note or interest in any of them . If you are particularly in need of such a facility , please consult the Forest Service for more info . Or follow this link . I have seen many groups , some appear to be camping , fishing , or ATV riding , or family gatherings , or what have you , camped in more informal areas under the trees along the creek . I assume this is absolutely okay too - - I have never seen rangers rousting anyone minding their own business . So if you have a mind , feel free to set up a camp where ever strikes your fancy . Keep in mind that space is more at a premium generally , as you progress to higher elevations . So as a rule of thumb , big flat shady spots are best found nearer the Thistle end of the road . Not too low down - - get far enough up the creek to beat the heat - - but not so far up the mountain that there 's no flat level spots left to park your rigs . That said , I have to say , one of my favorite picnic spots is pretty high up the canyon , beneath a stand of very old tall Doug firs with thier feet speed out broad . There 's enough space underneath to spread out a few picnic lunches on blankets on the ground , and the creek meanders by to the east for the children to paddle and play in . A side - canyon adjoins and beckons the boot - leather anxious adventurer , and I have hiked it for many miles , but I will not spoil the suspense , for any who wish to try it themselves . Look for some interesting fossil specimens , if you 're into that sort of thing . I found some in a ridge on the north shoulder , in rocky outcropping . Higher up , there is a big switchback . and very steep bit of climbing as the creek tops out . Note that along the way a couple of miles back , you passed by the fork to the west leading to Smith 's Reservoir . It qualifies as more of a big pond , in my book . Some people swear the fishing is phenomenal - - I have never tried . It is a nice short strenuous hike , or a very hairy 4wd trail , or an easy short ATV adventure - - take your pick . I have only hiked , cross - country from the southern approach . It makes an interesting trek from the Buggy Wheel Springs area . Also , west of the road and south of the little reservoir is the summit area of the Lake Fork . It consists of a series of rock pinnacles and rocky ledges , with White fir and Limber pines all around the shoulders . These rocks host some fun scramblin on bouldering and mixed talus and steep gravel slopes . It is a big reward to top out on one of those little peaks , and just look around . I once carried a directional 2 meter radio rig with me , but was unable to make a contact . Sanpete County is pretty dead in the middle of the day . Another fascinating feature of the middle elevations in this particular area is that it hosts a lot of the species Cercocarpus ledifolius . For those of you in Rio Linda , this is the Curl - leaf Mountain Mahogany , and the reason it is very interesting to people who love the mountains , big - game hunters in particular , is because Curl - leaf is one of the primary winter forages of the species Cervis canadensis , the Rocky Mountain Elk . One of the most prized of big - game animals in this area . Very few hunters come seeking this animal here , and they seek these rocky pinnacles , perhaps as a refuge . A few years ago , when I was more able , I was hiking cross - country from the US89 side out across the pinnacles area , through the Buggy Wheel Springs access . See the Birdseye comment for more detail about that area . Anyway , as I approached the pinnacles from the west , I was watching the elk . I stayed far enough away that I did not think I would spook the herd , but they obviously spotted me moving in the scrub , and started browsing away . Suddenly I noticed a WHITE animal , far on the outskirts of the herd . It was a very large herd at the time , several hundred animals , more than I could reliably count heads with my field glasses , because they were moving . But the one animal was so obviously WHITE from top to bottom that he stood out starkly in contrast to the others . One of the most remarkable things I noted while watching the herd was that they seemed to shun the albino member . He stayed on the outskirts of the grazing area , and the other animals shoved him or shouldered him away when he attempted to graze into the area where they were browsing . I didn 't watch long enough to make any real conclusions or studies other than casual observation , but if I was making a guess , I would say that the other animals of the herd discriminated against this white colored animal because he was superficially different from them . There are many other wildflowers to be found and marvelled in , in the Lake Fork area and throughout the Wasatch . Look for them . Stop and smell the flowers . It will bring everlasting joy to a dreary world , and enliven your heart , as it has mine , I promise you . One last species , to make good on this special promise , that holds a special place for every true Utahn . Calochortus nuttalii , the Sego Lily , is the Utah State flower , and for good reason . This stalwart gem is a practical and beautiful little blossom that blooms on highlands and high desert lands throughout the west . One of the most infamous is the hot springs in Fifth Water Canyon . ( The cowboy settlers apparently were lazy about assigning names to the side tributaries in the Diamond Fork Canyon , so they are named appropriately First , Second , Third , and so on . . . ) Many college coeds have visited the " hot pots " built at the springs for " skinny dipping " and other things of reputedly more illicit nature , over the years . As a result , the " hot pots " in Fifth Water carry a " hot " reputation , although they are just very hot springs , I assure you . The last time I visited the locale there were prudent signs posted about the site , warning that " naked people might be bathing here " and one was to be appropriately forewarned , or look out in eager anticipation , as the case might be . I don 't know - - both time I arrived , the place was abandoned , failing to live up to it 's reputation . I was not particularly disappointed , one way or the other , since nudity has long since ceased to titillate or embarrass . But I try to respect the sensibilities of others , so I was just hiking through , and did not stop for the skinny dipping . While you 're exploring the Diamond Fork area , range out to the areas beyond . Side canyon beckon to the unintrepid with many secret allures . Some may lead west toward a huge private reserve on the backs slope of Spanish Fork Peak , but there are many dirt roads and trails to explore before you come to that locked gate and the forbidding sign . To the northwest and over the shoulder of the mountain leads a fairly tame road into Hobble Creek Canyon , which can be a beautiful adventure in ecosystems just in itself . Quite a climb , make sure your radiator is up to par if you attempt this route on a hot summer afternoon , and carry some water . Directly north is a road that leads of into the Wasatch somewhere , I have never explored far . Try it some time and let me know . I assume it connects to the Provo River drainage in the area of Deer Creek Reservoir and Wellsville . North of the Sixth Water is a jeep trail that joins Sheep Canyon trail to Strawberry Reservoir overland . It is a spectacular wildflower route before the sheep herds start grazing , but you have to travel it pretty early , which means there are lots of flooded spots and mudholes to cross . If you are brave enough , one of the big rewards you will find is enough Sambucus to make preserves to last you and all you friends for years . Bennie Creek is not particularly noteworthy or grand . It does not stand out above all other places in any particular way except that it is very close , and nobody goes there . That makes it really spectacular , in my book . You can spend the day alone , and if you 're lucky , only share the whole area with some local golden eagles . The area starts off with access from U89 at the Birdseye LDS Chapel , and the access road is basically threaded through the front yards of local farms and ranches for the first few miles . This is why the trail is so well protected . When it looks like the road is ended , it really makes an abrubt turn to the left in some ranch front driveway , and there is a very unfriendly looking sign posted there that is worth reading once . Drive down a steep grade , where the road turns abruptly back to the west and continues up the mountain . It soon turns to dirt and gravel and then quickly to mostly dirt only . At the Forest Service boundary , it is a very narrow dirt trail . You can drive a short distance further to the trialhead , where oaks and scrub begin to give way aspens and Englemans . Along the way , on the north , you passed a notable junction of " Deer Canyon trail " or some such , that used to fork off to Forest Service treking toward the summit of Loafer Mountain , but it is overgrown and not officially mantained any longer . It is used heavily by the hunting crowd , and incidentally , by great herds of the critters they hunt , both deer and elk , but many great numbers of elk that winter in this area . Many times , I have snowshoed in this canyon , and could not even count the hundreds of head of elk that gather here . Anyway , the Bennie Creek canyon is fun because many springs feed the creek further up , and lush green carpets the floor of the canyon . In fact it is so lush and wet that the trail skirts off to the north side in many places to avoid wet seeps and pools . But these are beautiful areas to explore and splash around , if you don 't mind getting your socks wet . One of the most interesting for boot - leather enthusiasts is that Nebo is a great place to hike . My favorite is starting from the Bear Canyon area , climbing up one of the many shoulder ridge trails to the summit ridge , and along to one of Nebo 's summits . Nebo is actually a rather long , narrow north - south ridge with several " summits " of substantial height . They 're all kind of crumbly talus decomposing sedimentary rock , loose and sliding , so the trails are pretty informally defined . If you actually find yourself so high , look west and find Nephi and Mona down below your feet , and Utah lake stretching out further to the west and north , with Payson / Santaquin just below to the right , Spanish Fork further , and Provo / Orem sprawling offinto the far distance on the north , Santaqin Peak and Loafer Mountain northeast , and west the other of side the Lake Mountains , out into parts of the West Desert , south to the mountains down the Wasatch chain in the Red Cliffs area and further , and east across to Baldy and the Skyline on the Wasatch Plateau . Nebo also has a good summit trail coming fairly straight up from the Nephi / Mona side , but I have never hiked it . If you just love camping with you family in campgrounds , there are some of the best around on or around the slopes of Nebo . I personally love Blackhawk . My preference . There is also Bear Canyon , if you love big cottonwoods and tall evergreens . It 's on the south side , Blackhawk is northeast , so they give different perspectives at different times of year . There are other campgrounds further off the beaten path that you can search out . I 'm not going to name any here , because the people that use them think they own them . Maybe they do . Personally , I would prefer to depart from the road by a wide margin and camp somewhere in the tall weeds . But I know this is not for everyone . I like hearing coyotes howl at the moon on the ridge after midnight , and owl hoots early in the morning before sunup . I want to find the snake trail across my path and the spider web in my boot . Ants in my granola are okay , I 'm just more careful to keep the package closed next time . Using a tree for bathroom needs has turned into a major problem for me . My last outing on our Milford Flats project , I had several accidents , and only an understanding and patient partner ( with a not too sensitive nose ) kept me from big - time breaking down out of just plain humiliation . Dealing with this kind of thing is a regular fact of life issue for families with babies and young children , and to a lesser degree , some adults are simply less comfortable or less adept . Using public facilities has always been emotionally uncomfortable for me , and now there is the hazard of unknown communicable germs ever present . It is a difficult problem , made worse by circumstances some of us cannot help . Under my present handicap , I found that under urgent need , I just could not physically get out of the tent , unencumbered from sleeping bag and other paraphernalia in time , and as a result , was unable to stop myself from peeing all over my person and my bedclothes . I do not know what exactly to recommend , and am hoping for some good suggestions . Other than carrying a shovel and a good supply of wet - wipes , I am a beginner . One November afternoon I decided I was going to hook the little utility trailer to my ATV . It is a fairly simple operation using a sort of pin - type hitch . I anticipated no problems . Except the trailer was buried deep in snow . That wasn 't a problem in itself either - - the ATV was fully capable of plowing through the deep snow and extricating the buried trailer . The problem was , I would have to flounder through the knee - deep snow to perform the hitching up , which normally I could do almost without thinking about it , but just out from rehab after Thanksgiving , and starting over again at PT , I wasn 't feeling especially confident . I remember hitching up the trailer okay , but something happened after that that I cannot remember at all , and I just remember laying alongside the ATV on the snow , seems like a long time later , listening to the exhaust of the ATV motor . I don 't remember why I was laying on the snow , or how long I was there . It could have been as much as an hour . People in the house could not see me in the position I was in . They did not know I was running the ATV or hitching the trailer , and had no reason to be looking . But I knew something was wrong , and I tried getting up . I had a pretty hard time , because I felt sick and weak , but I got on the ATV and drove it with trailer near my bedroom and went to bed . Note that my private bedroom is in the garage separate from the house , so I still talked to no one , asked no one for help , just went in to my bed and started the nightmare of lone , private suffering . At this point , I started having a series of " shark attacks " , pretty much alone , and convinced that they were going to kill me . After a few of them , I honestly wanted to die , and I prayed between attacks that I would die . I implored Heavenly Father to release me from this anguish , because I feared the attacks and the pain , and could not stand another minute of hurting so badly . I just wanted it to end . But it continued . My body was racked with spasms . I cried out , and I think I fainted many times because I could not tolerate such agony . Passing out was surcease and relief . I hoped I would never wake up . But each time , eventually , the gray would begin to clear a bit , and I would begin to realize the pain anew . I vaguely remember trying to talk to my dad Friday night . We had a discussion about hospitals . I resisted . I implored him to let me wait until after the weekend , convinced that I would die before then , and that it would spare me the indignity of doctors again telling me there was nothing wrong with me , or that I am too young to be having strokes , or something equally useless and offensive to me . I ended up convincing my dad , and I turned my face to the wall , and again made my most honest effort to make my life stop . I willed my breath to stop , my heart to stop beating , and my lungs to stop taking breath , but beneath it all , my God - given will to live continued to burn , in spite of the agony of the attacks of pain that continued to rack my body with uncontrollable spasms , leading to blackouts and blissful unconsciousness , and long periods of unawareness . Every time , lucid thought would come floating back , with the miserable realization that I was still alive . I whimpered . I panted . I moaned . I groaned . I breathed heavy , and light . I held my breath . I screamed and shouted . I whispered prayers . I demanded from nobody . I implored . I surrendered . I made bargains . I tried rationales . I tried everything . People were scheming secret things . I lay in my bed , none the wiser . I thought we were going back to UVMC on Monday . My sister Ruth and her family were coming for Sunday dinner . I should have been suspicious then , but was too tired . Darrin and dad administered a priesthood blessing . In his blessing , Darrin stated clearly , and by the authority of Jesus Christ , that I would live for a number of YEARS to complete my mission here on earth . This was significant because it was rather a dramatic contrast to what I had been asking for from similar sources . I think the latter answer has proven to be more definitive , given other compelling evidence . The next development of the secret conspiracy was Ruth 's announcement that I was accompanying her to the U of U hospital NOW , so go pack a suitcase . It was not presented as an arguable option . I packed a suitcase , and we prepared to drive away . I wanted to just turn around and go home , but Ruth had other notions . She drove up next to a big rig truck driver and climbed out to talk to him . I heard none of the conversation , but when she got back in the car , she had a look of steel determination . She said the truck driver told her there was a fatal accident blocking traffic at the mouth of the canyon , but if she needed to get her brother with a stroke to the hospital right away , just drive down the wrong side lanes , and get through any way she could . She took him at his word , and started down the wrong side of US 89 . I wanted to crawl under the seat . People were screaming obscenities and trying to step in front of the car as we weaved through the obstacle course on that wild ride down the canyon . They waved at us , they yelled , they made every rude and obscene gesture . Mind , most of them had been waiting for hours for the line of cars to start moving , and many of them were growing furiously angry . They took license to express every frustration at us . My dad was following us in his truck , but he soon abandoned the wild ride and ducked back into the lanes of marginally sane traffic , to wait for the accident to clear . But not intrepid Ruth . She forged ahead , ignoring insults and dodging the attempted roadblocks . Finally we reached an impenetrable Jam of emergency engines and police vehicles , all obviously responding to the wreck . Ruth pulled up just short , and with firm resolve , and baring plenty of cleavage , she climbed up onto the step of the nearest engine to beg for mercy from one of the heroic firefighters . It was an inspired approach . The emergency crew was galvanized into action , engines and rigs were moved , and within minutes we were following a police escort out of the canyon toward the I 15 freeway . I still wanted to climb under the seat , but I was very proud of Ruth , and glad to be riding with someone so bold . Albion is by far one of the favorite spots in Utah . In fact , we love it to death . I am afraid too many people go there when the flowers are blooming , and the Forest Service encourages them . It is beautiful beyond compare . Like all alpine lakes , the water is cold and crystal clear . The air is crisp and clean , even in mid - summer . Crowds of people don 't seem such a bother . But the area is generally crowded all the time now , to the point that it is difficult to find a parking place in Albion anymore during weekend hours . For me , at least , that spoils some of the enjoyment of what wilderness should be . What can we do ? I don 't know ? It worries me . Someday I think it will become more like Disneyland . You can make a free and beautiful traverse between Salt Lake Valley , Heber , the ski resorts , and Park City . All summer long . Not many use this road , and its a good thing . It summits over Guardsman 's pass , and there are trails connecting in every direction , including connections from American Fork Canyon , Heber Valley , Cascade Springs , and other locations along the Wasatch . The roads are only good enough for light traffic , but ideally suited for vehicles like the 4runner . A more spectacular vista of the skyline all around cannot be found anywhere . Be sure to wear cold weather gear - - its always cold and windy up here . If you 're really going to go to all that trouble , find out about some of the serious 4wd trails around Mineral Basin and Pittsburgh Lake . There are a few that are real challenges ! They are all good fun , and most of the Utah 4 wheelers are a bunch of wussies who cry if they see a scratch in their paint . But if you can get past that , and are not above stacking a few rocks to compensate for not having lockers you can crawl with the best of them ! The guys in the YouTube video make a big deal about a few rocks , but it 's really not that bad of a trail , especially travelling in such a big convoy . I 've always gone by myself , of course . Lots of fun . The paint and the rockers on the 4runner have no reason to save anything anymore . And Ruth , you would not believe what kind of punishment I have put those tires through . Don 't worry about flat tires . You should see some of the places I have driven at Topaz Mountain . You would not want your boots on that kind of terrain ! The 4runner cruised over it at 5mph , with no problem . My head seems to be a bit too large at the moment , so I 'm having it refitted . Let me reassure you , it seems painless so far , and is only a temporary inconvenience . I hope to have all operations back to normal and working on all cylinders in very short order . ( BTW , my new friends from Ephraim said they might join . I meant this picture as a facsimile of how I see MYSELF , no reflection on anyone else . Hope I did not give that impression . Don 't want to offend anyone , certainly not people who were so kind and delightful to talk to and so HELPFUL . ) Comments are nice . All thoughtful comments , critical or otherwise are equally welcome . Spam will not be tolerated . Don 't waste time posting spammy comments , or trying to advertise your own blog , because I moderate all comments , and anything I deem to be spam will disappear without a trace . Unmannered or inordinately rude dissenters will receive similar treatment , and be summarily moderated by the neck until dead .
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Narcissist 's Money Lust We all have some lust in our hearts - for gorgeous clothes , sex , delicious food , exquisite jewelry . Many narcissists are obsessed with money lust . They are thinking about how much money they have , how to get more of it , how to keep it away from others , whom to manipulate to get more , including family members to take theirs . Money is their substitution for love , warmth , affection - for being authentic and human . Having as much money as possible , even stealing it away from family members , is the narcissist 's constant goal . Thoughts about obtain more money never leave this person 's mind . Having lots of money makes them feel more entitled , superior to others , like a winner . Moneyed narcissists are always looking down on others who have not " made it . " It isn 't knowledge , wisdom , inner peace or insight they are seeking . It is knowing that they have achieved their greatest goal - being able to have whatever they desire and to attract other people whom they can easily exploit to satisfy their money lust . One of the common scenarios is for one of the siblings , male or female , to ingratiate the mother or father who is holding the wealth , to become the confidante , the favored trusted one . This is done over many years and is well plotted . Slowly and surely this sibling becomes the executor of the parent 's will , convinces the mother or father to bestow upon him / her the largest amount of the inheritance ( leaving the other siblings with a minuscule portion of the total ) . The narcissistic money luster puts tremendous pressure on his parent if that is necessary to seal the deal for himself . He has no conscience and is just waiting for the parent to die ( the sooner the better ) so that he can carry away the entire estate and leave the scene to lead a life of pleasure and comfort . These greedy narcissistic siblings often abandon their own children and of course their spouses to move on to a life of elite uxury . They never look back and view the psychological and monetary destruction they have leAuthor Linda Martinez - Lewi , Ph . D . Posted on January 30 , 2015April 9 , 2015Categories Children of Narcissistic Mothers , Married to a Narcissist , Narcissistic Personality , Narcissistic Siblings 18 thoughts on " Narcissist 's Money Lust " simmon says : January 30 , 2015 at 1 : 23 am This is what happen to me . After 33 years of marriage Reply kym says : January 30 , 2015 at 3 : 55 am I was friends with a guy who was officially diagnosed as narcissistic by a psychiatrist . His wife 's father ( his father - in - law ) had left his daughter ( the narcissists wife ) a small fortune but wisely in a trust which would only pay enough a month to live well on . The narcissist tried for years to pry the money out of the trust so he could spend it . The father - in - law 's name was Leroy . Finally the narcissists wife left him . When the narcissist told me his wife had left , he said , " I guess you realize this means I 'll never get my hands on Leroy 's money . " word - for - word , that 's what he said . I thought , " For God 's sake , that was Leroy 's money he left to his beloved daughter , not yours . " I didn 't say that but I thought it . I didn 't understand how entitled they feel . Reply Carole Stauffer says : February 15 , 2015 at 10 : 13 pm That is so sad to know his true motive . He didn 't love his wife , only her financial position . I relate to this story as I am a daughter and married to a N who wants to get his hands on " Trust " money . His name is not on the Trust and it makes him mad . He has been dishonest , secretive , and untrustworthy when it comes to finances . His dealings and attitude are affecting the entire family . I continue to read about Narcissism and try to understand their motives and thinking . It can drive you crazy . Thank you for this post . Yes my mom stole money from me , all my siblings , all her men , sisters , friends , some of her work places and more . It wasn 't a lot of money but together through out the years it 's a lot and it has hurt so many people . Mom also gave me and my sister debts that we became aware of when we became adults . She had bought things in our name and 12 years later we found out about it and had to pay it off ourselves . Mom has bought stuff in our names several times after that and stole money from my account ( they didn 't check her id ) which the bank in my city showed me . She wrote my name in her handwriting . When I questioned her the first time about the debts she broke contact with me . The last time my mom stole money from me was about 6 , 7 years ago . She made a plan how to trick me but I knew she was lying . The problem was I was afraid to tell her this . So I " let her " fool me and waited to see what she was going to do . Money started disappearing from my account and I called the bank . I told them it 's my mom and they believed me . I changed my card and since then we haven 't had contact . It 's so so hard to really understand that your mom can do this to you . You can 't understand it . But when you realize she 's a narcissist it becomes easier . My stepfather ( my siblings father ) was the most " skimpy about money " person I have ever met so he made us children feel worthless by not wanting to help with money . So mom was a thief and my stepfather didn 't want to spend his money on his children . Do I need to say I 'm working a lot on letting go of old money beliefs that comes from my parents and not me ? And start feeling I 'm worthy of having my own money . Reply The Rock says : January 30 , 2015 at 3 : 58 pm My family of origin is textbook severe narcissistically dysfunctional ! When our narcissistic mother started to show signs of progressive dementia her golden - child swooped in and got herself appointed as executor . I had previously been the assigned executor . The house was sold and the personal contents were disposed of . Nothing was sent to me , not one personal item , no pictures from my childhood , none of the handmade gifts that I made for my mother over my lifetime , no sentimental item of remembrance . Rumor has it that soon after the money from the house sell cleared our mother was institutionalized . She suddenly become too much trouble for the golden - child to handle . All of this was done without one family member ( including our daughters ) telling us of the events . To this day I am unaware of my mothers whereabouts , for some reason it 's a secret . I am no contact with my family of origin , but any one of them ( including our daughters ) could have shared the information with my husband and their father . Reply kym says : February 11 , 2015 at 12 : 13 am It 's funny you 'd say that . My brother was the golden child and a lawyer and he looted one of two family trusts so he could afford his new , much younger trophy wife . I begged our mother to take the second trust out of his care but noooo . She yelled at me saying , " He wouldn 't do that ! " Then he looted the second one and she said , " I didn 't think he 'd do it AGAIN - " Let me make it clear I BEGGED her to not keep trusting him . But let me tell you about his divorce . He 's a lawyer who was at least fifty and he got sexually involved with his secretary who was about twenty - two so he left his wife for her . They lived together for two years ( I knew none of this at the time ) and then , naturally , she got rid of him cause he was too old for her ( duh ) . So he went and found another girl who was probably in her mid - thirties whom he barely knew because he said he 'd discovered he couldn 't stand to be alone . He married her and told me only later did he figure out she was somewhat dim - witted , couldn 't understand any joke , etc . And ( surprise ) didn 't want to have sex with him . He looted the family trust to finance all this . But the funny part ( and I mean this ) is to listen to him berate bill Clinton for being sexually involved with one of the secretaries ! This is how self - aware he is , he did exactly the same thing but much , much worse . That 's lost on him . He 's a sanctimonious republican . Reply Mari says : February 12 , 2015 at 5 : 30 am This was my older brother ; obsessed with money always . I thought he was a compulsive gambler , but I don 't know … He was always manipulating my mom , his friends , the family , everyone into giving him money , he was very good at it . He was also phisically abusive to me and emotionally abusive to me all my life . Then I also have a narcisistic older sister . I am the youngest of the three . I am 56 yrs old and I have been in therapy for at least 22 years . What would make my sister and brother both such cruel narcisistic people ? It took so long for me to finally say enough is enough . They were great manipulators . But Cruel , very cruel … . Reply kym says : February 17 , 2015 at 2 : 24 am Just remember they 're not like us and they never will be . They can 't change . I read a book a few years back when I first started trying to understand these people . It was written by a psychiatrist and he said if at all possible when you identify one of these people , get them out of your life . He said , " You can 't be generous and get them to be generous , you can 't be caring and get them to care , they will never change . Get them out of your life . " Of course , a lot of the people writing on this site are related to these people and we can 't just move on . Just don 't be naïve and trusting to one of them is my advice . Reply Mari says : February 17 , 2015 at 3 : 22 am I have been doing a lot of research about it and have come to the same conclusion , it is a sad situation for me . Because they are my family , but I am in a lot of pain , but must let them go at least for now , probably for a long long time . They will drive me crazy if I don 't . I have been very affected . I feel both my sister and brother are both and now her kids are being affected . They are in their late 20 's now , ( niece and nephew ) they are getting set in that personality type … . It is rude awakening for me . She made it entirely up that I wanted my fathers inheritance ( yeah right after 10 years , and Ive never asked her for a cent ) and she is just goin mental terrorizing my fiancee when he is at work and oh so playing the victim role . I don 't even know where she gets these mad thoughts they are simply mad , told my best friend today and she was utterly shocked . I mean normal people just don 't behave this way . everything is about money for her and it makes me sick , I told her I don 't even want to inherit from you if you die before me , but its sick ! SICK ! ! Ive always been on her side always supported her and she knows ill give her money when i start working after college but now i really don 't feel like doing that i just had ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH of all the lies the bullshit . I really feel ready to go NC for life ! Life is to short guys ! Be happy ditch the person draggin you down ! Reply Kathy says : June 4 , 2015 at 4 : 07 pm My father passed away a couple of months ago . He named me as executor and trustee of his will and trust . My younger brother ( 49 years old ) lives in my father 's house . He is holding the house ransom . He has been selling my father 's personal items for the last 6 months . He will not even let me in the house to take inventory of the tangibles until I give him $ 50 , 000 . 00 ! ! ! My father had cancer and got really ill in December 2014 . I brought him to my house and took care of him until he had a stroke in Late January . He had to go into a home . My brother never even visited my father and changed the locks on the house so that I couldn 't get in . He has threatened , call me every name in the book because I am honestly trying to do what my father trusted me to do . I have a lawyer , but he has not been much help . The longer my brother is in my father 's house , the more items he will sell . What can I do ? ? ? ? ? Reply tony logan says : July 6 , 2015 at 1 : 51 am It never ever ends . I am 63 and my narcissist mother is 87 , yet the game playing by her goes on and on . Any attempt to keep her from looting the family 's funds is met by hysterical tears and pretense and game playing . She has turned all 3 of her sons into hating each other , same as she hates us , and we all hate her . Money is the stick she uses to manipulate people to do her will . Since she is an alcoholic , her drinking buddies ( enablers ) are more important than her own family is . This is a no win situation and the best that I feel that can be done is simply not ever to have anything else to do with her , nor with the 2 brothers that she has turned us all against each other . It is sad to hate your own mother , but I really do hate mine . She is the most evil selfish person I have known in my lifetime . That 's the sad truth as I see it now . Reply Cx2 says : August 11 , 2015 at 7 : 18 am Hello . I 'm in the middle of all of this right now . I 'm having to fight to get my money back from the man I trusted with my life . After I was hit by a car and developed CRPS he became bored with me . I spent 4 months in a clinic for reeducation and physio treatments . I was in great pain and needed help dressing and showering . He hated looking after me . He began an affair . In February this year , just as I was feeling much better and able to do things around the house , the truth came out . He wanted me out of his life and he wanted it NOW . I needed time to sort out my insurance accident claim but he abandoned me in the house alone , knowing I couldn 't meet all the bills by myself . He emptied the joint account and took away the satellite box . He left me with no transport , no money , no telephone and no internet access . He harassed me every day , bullying and threatening . In the end , he made me a financial offer which I accepted . I thought it would at least allow me to find a little place of my own . With financial help from my son I took some of my furniture and moved back to England from Europe where we had bought our dream home in the sun 9 years before . As soon as I 'd gone he moved back in , brought in the other woman and there they now live in the house where I still own half and he has reneged on the financial offer he made me . He is forcing me to take him to court to get my money which is going to take at least another two years . On top of that he stole the interim payments from the insurance company - money that was supposed to make life a little better for me with my CRPS . I 'd hoped to get a small automatic car as driving gear shift has become a problem with my painful arm . I 've learned that he is telling people who were mutual friends abroad that he has already paid what he owed me and that everything is settled . They think he 's such a nice guy . What a liar he is . I was keeping quiet about it all so as not to look like the jealous , vindictive ex partner , but when I was told this enormous lie I put our friends straight about the truth . I 'm in financial straits . I 'm having to stay with friends and family , here and there , until I get my money . I 'm not a young woman . Sometimes I 'm not well . I can 't claim social benefits for housing because my name is on property deeds abroad . If there was a way to get him to think it was his idea to pay up now I 'd jump at the chance . I know his public face is important to him . Wouldn 't it be much better for his image to have people know he 'd done the ' right ' thing ? Reply A . s says : December 4 , 2016 at 2 : 48 am My narcissist nephew embezzled 250 , 000 from my husband business . Now he 's in law school . He is Pure evil . Reply Kesa S says : January 20 , 2017 at 11 : 00 am My sister has been embezzling money from her ex - military colonel then divorced him , due to cruelty and abuse but mostly they were alcoholics and had a son with FASD . She moved in with my mother ( granted I just helped her get over 500 , 000 settlement , as she has not skills to speak to attorneys . . ) over 5 years , she has not paid ONE BILL , contributed to moms home bills and destroyed the home using mom checkbooks and credit cards to pay everything ; she close to broke . I intervened and not she continues to manipulate us because we are not giving her narcissitic supply . She wrecked mom 's car twice in 2 months , claiming hit and run and conveniently charged repairs to mom and filed on moms auto insurace because she has so many DUI 's and no license . That was the last straw . I 've been torn up growing up with her as my older sister . Not once has she ever asked me how I was … only burden me with her dumb actions … . Thanks to my friends and lover now that I am excluding her from our lives and going to provide my mother with some laughter and good days from here on out .
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Upper East Side socialite Daisy Greenbaum is accustomed to the finer things - designer clothes , summers in the Hamptons , elite private school educations for her daughters , and a staggeringly expensive Park Avenue apartment . But Daisy find her well - heeled lifestyle on precarious footing after her husband , master of the universe Dick Greenbaum , learns about some shady dealings that threaten his position at The Bank . Daisy refuses to allow her family to slip down the social ladder , so she devises a madcap plan : anyone who jeopardizes her place to the top will simply have to be dispatched - six feet under . From Dick 's arrogant boss to his scheming former mistress to a pair of nosy bloggers , Daisy 's hit list is a who 's who of big names with even bigger secrets . But with the body count rising as the Dow Jones falls , can Daisy really get away with murder ? I was expecting so , so much out of this book but it fell flat - COMPLETELY flat . This was one of the biggest disappointments I have read in a long time . I hated the language through out the book . It wasn 't that there was just swearing in the book it is just that pretty much the only swearing in this book is the F word ! So it was stupid and just looked like she was adding it to just look ' cool ' . So it came off as childish . It was not a funny or witty book at all despite the claims of such . I really usually enjoy books like this but this just didn 't turn out like the premise indicates . It could have been a really great story if it was more thought out and the characters more developed . I did love the main character Daisy Greenbaum and all of her secrets but it should have gone into that more and it didn 't . After all isn 't this about her and her serial killer - ness ? So I am giving this book 2 stars just for trying but that is being generous . I did receive this as an advance proof so maybe , just maybe the actual book may be improved upon before it published . I am just glad I didn 't have to pay for this book . Etcheon always believed he would live and die in his small village that he moved to with his grandmother , Granna Fela - safe , loved , and protected . But with Granna 's death comes new information about Etcheon 's royal heritage and destiny , which suddenly throws him in the middle of a battle against a wicked king . One the run from hideous beasts sent to kill him , Etcheon is saved by a mysterious girl , a tree with magical powers , and several amazing animals . With his new friends to protect and teach him , Etcheon undertakes a journey that will challenge his abilities and define who he needs to become - a warrior - prince charged to save his people . This is a review that I am doing for Media Guests online blog tour . I love the description of this book so I was very excited to get it and start reading right away . It took me about 20 pages to really get into this book . At first I just thought the book was a little slow getting started but it really is that the typeface is written small and that makes it harder to read for me . I had to really slow down and pay attention to get it all in until I adjusted to the smaller print . Once I realized that was what it was I couldn 't put this book down . Etcheon is just 17 years old when the story begins and the day his beloved Granna dies his life starts to change and go somewhere he never could have imagined . He finds out that he is a prince after he is attacked and almost killed by some very hideous creatures . He is taken away to another time by the beautiful Taraini so that he can learn all he can to become the warrior he needs to be to save his parents that he has never met . He is thrown into the adventure of a lifetime ! The enchanted animals teach him how to be kind , courteous , courageous , patient , learn to discern good from evil , how to lead an army , and many more virtues needed to be the Prince of the Hidden Kingdom . This story is full of wizards , mystical creatures , hidden kingdoms , time travel , and of course my favorite - a great love story ! This is a well written fantasy book that will be loved by all ages . It is clean and fun to read . You won 't want to put it down but stay up late and turn page after page until all hours of the night . I give this book 4 stars ! Here is another one of my favorite blogs ! E & K Family Book Review is written by a mother / daughter team ! I love that they share this passion of reading with each other . I only wish my kids would love reading as much as I do . My husband does and is reading more and more but his genre isn 't the same as mine . Oh well it is a start ! Click the link to find out more about E & K in their about us section . E is so young at 8 years old but I love the books she chooses and blogs about . She is much more mature than her 8 years . I believe that this comes from reading . Kids are much smarter when they read . K is so patient and loving to spend the time to read with her daughter , help her blog about books , blog about her own reads , and instill this passion in her family . I love to read the reviews and have picked up many books because of their recommendations . I have passed by books in the store before but went back and bought them because of their reviews . I have not been disappointed either . There are many different genres of books to choose from at E & K too . Follow the link here to check out all of their reviews ! Don 't forget to check out her super cute rating system ! I need to come up with something fun and creative like this . Sadly I am not so creative so you all will just have to stick to my star rating until I find something better ! So go and start following E & K ! They just crossed over the 200 followers mark ! Congrats ! So you know people love to read their blog . Head on over and check them out ! You will not be disappointed . It has been a crazy few weeks around here . I haven 't been on since last Wednesday and it is crazy how you kind of miss it ! So as I said before I have been painting and cleaning up a storm around here . I now have the main level of my house cleaned and painted ! It was a lot of hard work but I am glad it is done . And it looks great too ! I still have the hallway , stairs , and bonus room to do but I am well past the halfway point . My sister and her three kids have lived with us for the past year and she just moved out this week . Not that I was much help on that front . I was just a virtual assistant . I did enlist my kids to help out though . Because of said back surgery I cannot do that kind of lifting anymore . So my boys had to help with the heavy stuff and my daughter did a lot of cleaning at the new place and helped with the smaller items . She is officially moved as of last night ( I think ) . I haven 't been to the basement where she stored her things but I think for the most part she is 99 . 99 % moved . I am sure she is glad to have her own space and not share it with her ornery , moody big sister any more . So this week is filled with cleaning the bonus room where she lived and putting a fresh coat of paint on it . I am quite excited ! It is now going to be my office , sewing , and workout room . Most of that stuff has been hanging out in my bedroom for the past year and it is getting a little crowded in there . I feel like I have a whole new house ! I have two great books that I am going to be posting this week so check back on Wednesday and Thursday to read about them . I will of course have my Tuesday Blog Spotlight tomorrow so check out who I post about and then head over to their website . Hopefully I can get on here for Book Blogger Hop Friday but I must get all of these things done around the house before my getaway with Hubby to the Oregon coast in just 12 days ! I am so excited about having 10 days with just the two of us . We have been married for 23 years in June and we have never been able to go for this long alone before ! I Posted by Uncommon Grounds , Grounds for Murder , & Bean There , Done ThatBy Sandra Balzo Patricia Harper is dead , killed by a hot - wired espresso machine , in Uncommon Grounds , her very own gourmet coffee store ! Maggy Thorsen wants to know who killed one of her partners . Maggy needs the store to succeed . Starting over after her divorce , she 's quit her PR job to open the coffee store . And if things aren 't already tough enough , she begins to suspect one of her friends is responsible for Patricia 's murder . Maggy joins forces with Sarah Kingston , Patricia 's closet friend , to investigate her killing . Together , they uncover unsavory small town politics , bribes , kickbacks , and rampant infidelity . Before she 's through , Maggy 's sense of right and wrong will be shaken to its foundations . For once in her life , she is forced to draw her own line in the sand , and be prepared to defend it . This is the blurb for Uncommon Grounds , the first book in the series of the Maggy Thorsen murder mystery books . I am going to review the first three books in this review . These books have been out since 2004 and I believe there are now six books in this series published . Just reading the above synopsis almost makes it sound like these books are a little cheesy . But please , please do not believe that ! These books are funny ! They are very well paced with action starting right from the beginning and it goes through all the way to the end . Each of these books are exceptionally written from Maggy 's point of view . She is a 40 - something divorcee living on the outskirts of Milwaukee , Wisconsin . In each of these books she happens onto someone murdered . If she isn 't the first to find the body then she is somehow personally involved or related to the one murdered . These books are reminiscent of The Women 's Murder Club series by James Patterson and the Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich . They are more like a great , creative combination of these two series . Of course there is a love story involved in these too ! ! ! I love good mysteries as long as there is a love story in there somewhere . It does not take over these books . It is part of the background to Maggy so it does not overwhelm and take over the actual mystery involved in each book . These first three books have a great mystery in each of them . They are quick , clean , easy reads and each one can easily be read in an afternoon . Check out Sandra Balzo and all of her books . She is quick and witty and I love that in an author because she always adds that to her characters . I love how Maggy tries to solve these murders even though she has no background whatsoever in law enforcement . She loves to watch shows on TV about solving crimes . It is fun to see her go on a stakeout - and get totally busted by the county sheriff . My favorite moment between the sheriff and Maggy is : Pavlik was staring at me , fascinated . " Why do you do that ? " I looked around uncertainly . " Do what ? " " Start acting like some kind of bad TV private eye all of a sudden . It 's like talking to someone with multiple personalities . " Really this is good stuff ! You laugh out loud all the time during this book . I give these books 4 stars . Go out and get them for an afternoon of fun , love , and murder ! Posted by Today 's spotlight is for A Good Day To Read . Cheryl Christensen is the author of this fabulous blog . I am also lucky enough to know Cheryl personally . We grew up in the same small town in Utah . We are a few years apart in age so we didn 't run in the same circles ( no I won 't say who is older either ) . We met up recently on Facebook and started getting acquainted through her blog . I absolutely love her blog ( and Cheryl too ) ! The title of her blog says it all - A Good Day To Read ! Cheryl has been known to remind us that EVERY DAY is A Good Day To Read ! And yes it is ! I love to read her book reviews and you can look them up here . I have read books I wouldn 't have normally chosen because of her reviews . It is always good to have someone to trust when picking out books and I trust Cheryl 's reviews . She will read a variety of books and post them on her site . I also love Friday 's when she posts about A Day of Childhood . Who doesn 't love to remember when ? One of my favorites was about the book mobile coming to our town . Living in a small town we had some advantages but one disadvantage was that we didn 't have a library . Which was horrible for us avid readers ! The book mobile was our only salvation and you had to get there early or you missed out on the good stuff . Check out her A Day to Shine page to see author interviews . She has made some good friends and has some great interviews getting to know these amazing people that write the books we love so much ! Now I could go on and on about Cheryl but what fun would that be ? Go check her out at A Good Day To Read and start reading all about her and the great pages she has on her website . Follow her on Facebook too . I love her cheery , optimistic posts each day . She has the best attitude and it rubs off on all of us and makes our days better and brighter . Oh yeah and did I mention it was because of her I quit being a chicken and started my own blog page ? Well yes that is the case ! She is that great of a friend to be supportive and helpful . Thanks Cheryl ! A killer is lurking among the ruins of Katrina - ravaged New Orleans . A killer she knows . Still devastated two years after the mysterious murder of her beloved David Alexander , Nicci Beauvoir surprises everyone in the Big Easy by returning to her hometown with a new admirer : the cool and contentious Dallas August . But the attractive stranger is asking a lot of questions about David 's death , making Nicci 's family and friends speculate about his true intentions . Only Nicci knows that Dallas , a high - priced corporate spy , has come to New Orleans to flush out David Alexander 's killer . Playing the part of her lover , Dallas escorts Nicci around town hoping to get closer to his possible suspects . But hiding amid the city 's elite is a jealous maniac waiting to make Nicci suffer . As the days pass and the danger grows , Nicci 's relationship with the handsome spy turns from adversarial to amorous . Despeerate to unearth the identity of David 's murderer , Nicci and Dallas decide to lure the killer out of the city for one final showdown . It is a deadly decision that could cost Nicci everything . But is maybe her only chance for . . . Recovery . I already told you a little about this book on Friday 's Book Blogger Hop . This is actually part of a three part series by Alexandrea Weis . Recovery is the second in the series . To My Senses was the first in the series published in 2007 . I haven 't read that book but would like to now that I have gotten involved with Nicci , David , and Dallas . The third book Sacrifice does not have a date for release yet but I will definitely pick it up when it does get here . I love the way Ms . Weis writes . She has you captivated from page one . No need to wait until you get into the book 20 pages to get the action started . I couldn 't wait to turn each page and find out what would happen next . I love the tension that is between Nicci and Dallas . Nicci still misses David and she has a hard time getting past that but what a better distraction than a totally hot , reclusive , spy ? ! ? It is not cheesy even though I just made it sound like that . It is great to have their relationship develop during the mystery solving of David 's death . Very HOT ! - But not Harlequinish . Even though it is written during the post - Katrina era Ms . Weis puts together a story that involved the empathy of those afflicted but lightens it up with the eccentric , debutante , upper class of New Orleans . It was a delight to get involved with the families of those that still care about class - the who 's who of their community . The pacing of this book is excellent and I loved the characterization she created with each and every one in this story . I will give this book 4 stars ! It is a great love story mystery and would recommend to all who enjoys that genre of book . Join the hop at Crazy for Books ! This weeks question is " Pick a character from a book you are currently reading or have just finished and tell us about him / her " . I have just finished Recovery by Alexandrea Weis . The main character is Nicci who is a writer with her first book just published . Two years ago she lost the love of her life David . He was murdered and it was never solved . David had questionable employment and his employer , Simon , approaches Nicci to help solve David 's murder . Nicci is pretty reclusive and isn 't sure she wants to follow someone else 's rules to get the job done . When Simon assigns handsome Dallas to work with her she is not happy . But she unexpectedly falls for Dallas as they follow the leads to solve David 's murder . Nicci is torn between her love for David and her new found feelings she is having for Dallas . She isn 't sure she can let go and move on and not feel guilty . Nicci is fun , daring , and smart . Sometimes she aggravates you and others you want to be just like her ! Tell us about a character in one of your recent books . I am starting my day today being thankful for many things . A year ago I had injured my back so bad that I could not even stand up straight . I couldn 't dress myself and my kids had to help me put shoes and socks on . I have never been so low and depressed in all of my life . I went to several different doctors to find relief and to no avail . I finally found a doctor that could help after three months of this misery . I underwent back surgery in May 2010 . I had felt that a miracle had happened . This past week I have painted half my house and deep cleaned it . It feels so good to be able to do such things after a long recovery . So I am thankful for great doctors and the technology they have available to them . I am thankful for a fabulous family that helped me through . I am thankful for my totally amazing husband who deserved sainthood after what he had to go through with me ! I am thankful everyday for the little things we take for granted or complain about : grocery shopping , doing dishes , driving my car for errands , taking a walk around the neighborhood , cleaning the house . All the things I could not physically do a year ago I can today and I am grateful and will never forget or take them for granted again ! On a lighter note I am also thankful for : ~ hairspray - I love taking a Sunday nap and not having to re - do my hair : ) ~ Dr Pepper - I don 't drink coffee so this is my get - up - and - go each day . Some people call it an addiction ; I call it relief ~ online shopping - see previous post ~ Tylenol PM - really should I even explain this wondrous over - the - counter miracle ? ~ books - I know this should be obvious . I can 't even explain my feelings about books to make another person understand this love or if you ask my family it is an obsession . ( they don 't use that word is a positive light either ) ~ my dog Ranger - he is the best dog ever and is a part of our family . Those dog lovers out there know what I am taking about . We worry about him as much as we do our kids . ~ my blogger friends - I love to get comments and emails . I love that thPosted by The missing dead call to Violet . They want to be found . Violet can sense the echoes of those who 've been murdered - and the matching imprint that clings to their killers . Only those closest to her know what she is capable of , but when she discovers the body of a young boy she also draws the attention of the FBI , threatening her entire way of life . As Violet works to keep her morbid ability a secret , she unwittingly becomes the object of a dangerous obsession . Normally she 'd turn to her best friend , Jay , except now that they are officially a couple , the rules of their relationship seem to have changed . And with Jay spending more and more time with his new friend Mike , Violet is left with too much time on her hands as she wonders where things went wrong . But when she fills the void by digging into Mike 's tragic family history , she stumbles upon a dark truth that could put everyone in danger . This is the second in The Body Finder series . I believe there are going to be four books . The third will be out sometime next year - wow 2012 ! I really hate waiting a whole year in between books like that . Why can 't they do them every 6 months ? Unfortunately the publishers don 't listen to me . Anyways back to the book - this was better than the last book . I loved watching the relationship develop and grow between Violet and Jay . It is tender and sweet . But reader beware there is swearing in this book and also some sexual situations to be aware of . I thought it was written very tastefully for a sex scene but mind you the characters involved are not even 18 and so of course not married . Just an FYI for those that prefer not to read such things . I don 't want hate mail if I didn 't include this in the review . I respect everyone 's opinion when it comes to what they will and will not read . Great drama and mystery in this book . I actually thought I had something figured out and then found out I was totally wrong ! I love that ! So she adds some twists in this book with the crime solving and leaves Violet with some options on how and if she wants to use her ability in a more public light . Fun read and I would recommend this to others . It is a fast read and leaves you wanting to read the next one and find out more about these characters . I would rate this 3 stars . Today I have chosen to spotlight Serendipity 's Library ! This is a great blog written by a very funny lady . Jennifer fills her blog with a variety of different things from books , movies , writing ( she is a great writer ) , the paranormal , and everything else . I love to read her blog each day because of the variety that she offers . She will write about work , the people she knows and her family . It is fun to hear of little adventures and stories she puts in about them all . You will definitely have to read about the ' black tongue ' and use it in your own family . Don 't miss out on reading about Charlotte and Edgar . She posted about them in March of this year . Look up those posts on the links on their names . I showed them to my daughter and she loved it ! Probably because it wasn 't something I did to her so she was able to think it was funny . Jennifer is a girl after my own heart . I love her sense of humor . Did I mention she is also a fabulous writer ? Well she is and you need to check out some of her short stories she has written . I especially loved the one entitled The Traveling Phlebotomists . Very good and of course I love that she wrote it for her friend at work who is scared of getting her blood drawn . I loved her post from today about her daughter - The Traffic Light . Go over and check Jennifer out right now ! ! ! Serendipity 's Library is a must read each day . I am positive you will love her as much as I do ! Your welcome : ) Violet Ambrose is grappling with two major issues : Jay Heaton and her morbid secret ability . While the sixteen - year - old is confused by her new feelings for her best friend since childhood , she is more disturbed by her " power " to sense dead bodies - or at least those that have been murdered . Since she was a little girl , she has felt the echoes the dead leave behind in the world … and the imprints that attach to their killers . Violet has never considered her strange talent to be a gift ; it mostly just led her to find dead birds her cat left for her . But now that a serial killer is terrorizing her small town , and the echoes of the local girls he 's claimed haunt her daily , Violet realizes she might be the only person who can stop him . Despite his fierce protectiveness over her , Jay reluctantly agrees to help Violet find the murderer - Violet is unnerved by her hope that Jay 's intentions are much more than friendly . But even as she 's falling intensely in love , Violet is getting closer and closer to discovering a killer … and becoming his prey herself . I apparently have some morbid curiosity of my own with books about the dead and people being killed . My 14 year old son tells me that all the time and wonders why I can 't seem to read anything nice . What can I say though these things fascinate me ! I enjoy them more when there is a great love story involved too - and of course there is in The Body Finder as well ! Violet is a fun young girl that doesn 't think she is very pretty but just average . She isn 't the most popular girl in school but she does have plenty of great friends ; one of them being Jay who she has been friend with since 1st grade . The romantic tension between these two is fun to watch and see how it will all turn out . You begin to wonder who will make the first move because they obviously both love each other . Of course the other story here is about Violet 's unique ability to find dead bodies - both human and animal . She hasn 't found a human body in nearly 8 years so it is unnerving and surprising to her when she does while out with friends one summer day . Her best friend Jay , her parents , and her uncle are the only ones that know about Violet 's ability . She does her best to hide it from others . She is torn in the story about trying to stay anonymous and helping find a killer . But when the killer strikes close to home she knows she has to do her part before more of her friends get killed . She finds herself in the killer 's path along the way . Great suspense . The writing isn 't the most profound work I have read ; however , the story is great . There are a few swear words in the book so I can 't give it a clean rating . I will give it 3 stars though and recommend it as great , intriguing read . In the Society officials decide . Who you love . Where you work . When you die . Cassia has always trusted their choices . It 's hardly any price to pay for a long life , the perfect job , the ideal mate . So when her best friend appears on the Matching screen , Cassia knows with complete certainty that he is the one … until she sees another face flash for an instant before the screen fades to black . Now Cassia is faced with impossible choices : between Xander and Ky , between the only life she 's known and a path no else has ever dared to follow - between perfection and passion . Matched is a story for right now and storytelling with the resonance of a classic . I passed this book by once in the bookstore . I was intrigued but wasn 't captured by the description . Ally Condie is a local author in the Salt Lake City , UT area and I usually always try to read and support them . Well I read a review from another of my favorite bloggers at E & K Family Book Review and I knew I had to get this book . I was not disappointed either . I totally fell in love with Cassia . She follows the rules and never even thought about deterring from the path . Well until her Matching Banquet when the sight of another on her screen sets her mind into thinking on its own . She starts to think that there could be other choices out there in the world that are correct and not just what the Society officials tell you . So many other things happen with people in her family that confirm to her that she wants more than a ' prescribed ' life . The hard part is that both of her loves - Xander & Ky - are each amazing . She is put in a tough position to decide on what to do . Should she follow her heart or just stick to the plan so no one else gets hurt even though she won 't be happy ? This is more than just a love story and that is why I love this book . Remember I love a good love story but I love a book so much more when they entwine that love story with drama and action . Fabulous clean , easy read for any age . I give it 4 stars ! My name is Elizabeth Anne Hawksmith , and my age is three hundred and eighty - four years . Each new settlement asks for a new journal , and so this Book of Shadows begins … In the Spring of 1628 , the witchfinder of Wessex finds himself a true witch . As Bess Hawksmith watches her mother swing from the Hanging Tree , she knows that only one man can save her from the same fate at the hands of the panicked mob : the warlock Gideon Masters , and his Book of Shadows . Secluded at his cottage in the woods , Gideon instructs Bess in the Craft , awakening formidable powers she didn 't know she had and making her immortal . She couldn 't have foreseen that even now , centuries later , he would be hunting her across time , determined to claim payment for saving her life . In present - day England , Elizabeth has built a quiet life for herself , tending her garden and selling herbs and oils at the local farmer 's market . But her solitude abruptly ends when a teenage girl called Tegan starts hanging around . Against her better judgment , Elizabeth begins teaching Tegan the ways of the Hedge Witch , in the process awakening memories - and demons - long thought forgotten . Part historical romance , part modern fantasy , The Witch 's Daughter is a fresh , compelling take on the magical yet dangerous world of witches . Readers will long remember the fiercely independent heroine who survives plagues , wars , and the heartbreak that comes with immortality to remain true to herself , and to protect the protégé she comes to love . I am assuming you know that I love a good witch story . Don 't know why I am drawn to these types of stories other than they are always fascinating to me . This book was a little slow going for me at first but I think it is because it is a hard read . The words are small and the lines close together . Sometimes a paragraph will consume a whole page which makes it harder to read too . The language of old English is something to also pay attention too . The book is well thought out and very well written . I will warn that this is NOT a young adult book . There is one scene in the book that is quite disturbing so beware . It is a demonic and sexual scene that gives a little too much detail for my taste . Other than that the rest of the book is pretty clean . So that is up to you to look over or to just avoid the book altogether . I will give this book 4 stars . I almost gave it 3 stars but the story is so well written I couldn 't do it . So I will leave it at 4 stars with my warning above . The author did leave it open to have a sequel . If so , I will be reading it too . For eighteen years , Jude Farraday has put her children 's needs above her own , and it shows - her twins , Mia and Zach , are bright and happy teenagers . When Lexi Baill moves into their small close - knit community , no one is more welcoming than Jude . Lexi , a former foster child with a dark past , quickly becomes Mia 's best friend . Then Zach falls in love with Lexi and the three become inseparable . Jude does everything to keep her kids on track for college and out of harm 's way . It has always been easy - until senior year of high school . Suddenly she is at a loss . Nothing feels safe anymore ; every time Mia and Zach leave the house , she worries about them . On a hot summer 's night her worst fears are realized . One decision will change the course of their lives . In the blink of an eye , the Farraday family will be torn apart and Lexi will lose everything . In the years that follow , each must face the consequences of that single night and find a way to forget … . . or the courage to forgive . OK you all know how much I love Kristin Hannah ! This book is fabulous - well in a heartbreaking sort of way . I cried so much for these characters . More than I ever have in a book . It hit a little too close to home and that may be why but it was superbly and excellently written . Don 't be afraid to read this even though it will stir every emotion up inside of you as you go through this turbulent ride . It is an unforgettable story and will tell of the courage it takes to forgive the people we love . Sophie Mercer thought she was a witch . That was the whole reason she was sent to Hex Hall , a reform school for delinquent Prodigium ( a . k . a . witches , shapeshifters , and faeries ) . But then she discovered the family secret . And the fact that her hot crush , Archer Cross , is an agent for The Eye , a group bent on wiping Prodigium off the face of the earth . What 's worse , she has powers that threaten the lives of everyone she loves . Which is precisely why Sophie decides she must to go London for the Removal , a dangerous procedure that will either destroy her powers for good - or kill her . But once Sophie arrives , she makes a shocking discovery . Her new housemates ? They 're demons ! . Meaning someone is raising demons in secret , with creepy plans to use their powers , and probably not for good . Meanwhile , The Eye , is set on hunting Sophie down , and they 're using Archer to do it . But it 's not like she has feelings for him anymore . Does she ? I took the liberty of adjusting the blurb above so as not to give too much of the story away . Remember I HATE spoilers ! ! ! So if you haven 't read the first book , Hex Hall , I won 't give anything away here . Rachel Hawkins is brilliant again in the second in this series . I find her delightfully funny ! She makes teenager Sophie real . Not too old and not too young . Which I think is a difficult task to accomplish when you take into consideration the dangers Sophie has to face in her life . I believe she handles them the way a young 17 year old would do . I mentioned before the dry , sarcastic humor of Sophie that I love so much - well it is all here and more . So I will leave you with a bit from the story to entice you to pick up these books . " Last semester was intense , " I said to Dad . " Intense ? " he echoed , picking up my file . " Let 's see , On your first day at Hecate , you were attacked by a werewolf . You insulted a teacher , which resulted in semester - long cellar duty with one Archer Cross . According to the notes , the two of you became ' close . ' Apparently close enough for you to see the mark of L ' Occhio di Dio on his chest . " I flushed at that , and felt Mom 's arm tighten around me . Over the past six months , I 'd filled her in on a lot of the story with Archer , but not all of it . Specifically , not the whole me - making - out - in - the - cellar - with - a - murderous - warlock - working - with - The Eye part .
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PASSION ! Posted on August 8 , 2014 by kenrhodes No matter what anyone says , there is one thing that great artists all have in common . It doesn 't matter if you 're talking about Vincent van Gogh , Michelangelo , or Dave Grohl . One of my favorite YouTube artists , for a few years now , has been the Piano Guys . I think my favorite video of theirs was filmed about an hour and a half from where I lived in high school , when I finally learned how to play guitar after years of trying . At the beginning of the video there is a quote from Ludwig van Beethoven that goes like this : When you watch these two videos ( really , take the time to watch them - now ! ) , notice the faces of Dave Grohl and Steven Sharp Nelson ( the cello player for the PIano Guys ) . Their faces reflect a state of transcendence . Music exists as energy that is independent of human involvement . Musicians and composers are conduits by which that energy is translated into a form that our conscious minds can perceive . And I don 't even know where to start with Mr . Nelson . The sheer joy reflected on his face when he plays is nothing short of inspiring to me . They even have a video that addresses this specifically : This kind of passion is infectious . It 's contagious . It not only fills the artist , but it spills out of them in great floods that envelope everyone around them , simultaneously immersing you and lifting you up . Performers share it with their audience , teachers share it with their students , and it makes the world a better place for all of us . A Gig ! ! Posted on November 8 , 2012 by kenrhodes I am going to play my first performance in more than 20 years ! I 'm more excited about this than I can articulate at the moment ! It wasn 't quite so real until last night . But here 's the while story ( it 's short - for me ) . The mother of one of my students teaches cosmetology at Snow College , where I 'm teaching some CIS classes . She came by my classroom a couple of weeks ago with one of her students , Anna . They tell me how Anna has been asked to sing " something patriotic " at this event coming up for " the elderly " and she needs a guitarist to accompany her . It 's on a Monday , so I tell her I can do it if it doesn 't interfere with my class schedule . She agrees to get me the information I need , ( like the exact time , what song she wants to sing , etc . ) and life goes on . A couple of days ago , she confirms the time and says she wants to do " Proud To Be An American " by Lee Greenwood . I 've never even thought about playing this song before , so it 's a challenge , but I think I 'm up to it . Then I found it ! Using a capo at the 3rd feet , the chords fall very easily into some rather common chord fingerings , and I 'm off to the races . Unfortunately , in order to get a decent night 's sleep , I had set a timer for my practice , and by the time I found accurate sheet music , I only had time to go through it once or twice before my time was up . So , Wednesday night , I meet Anna at her house and play the song for the first time . Years ago , this was a fairly regular thing for me , but it hasn 't happened in so long , I wasn 't sure how I 'd do . I 'm glad to report that , although the arrangement we 've decided on isn 't 100 % in my fingers yet , and I did stumble a few times , I 'm still pretty damn good at learning a new song very quickly , and it suddenly feels much more real that I 'm actually going to perform again ! Turns out , this event coming up is the annual Veteran 's Day celebration in the Sevier Valley Center theater here in Richfield , and it 's kind of a big deal . This town is pretty small , and the level of patriotism is pretty high , so an event like this is very well attended . This makes it that much better for me , ' cause I 've always had more fun when there are more people in the audience . Today will be my second day in the classroom at Snow College , and we 'll be doing more than just introductions - I 'll actually get to teach something ! Although it isn 't teaching guitar , it 's a lot closer to that than my old job was . I know it 's still new , but I already have so much more in common with the personalities that I work with here . Don 't get me wrong , I made some wonderful friends at my old job , but when every person you come in contract with seems to genuinely care about you and what you 're thinking and doing , it makes for a very pleasant work environment . But , speaking about guitar teaching , last night 's lessons were awesome ! All for of the students I saw last night showed significant improvements , and I 'm extremely proud to say that they are my students ! This actually happens quite often , when I think about it now , but I 'm not always as aware of it as I was yesterday . New life chapter beginning Posted on July 27 , 2012 by kenrhodes If you have read any of the previous posts in this blog , then you know that I haven 't been very good at consistent posting - ever . That is going to change soon . You see , for the last 4 years , I 've been trying to figure out one thing . How to be able to teach more students . The single biggest obstacle to that goal , in my mind , has been the requirement of my day job . On a " normal " work day , I am committing a minimum of 9 . 5 hours to my job . Granted , I 'm only getting paid for 8 of those hours , and granted , everyone at my workplace is in the same boat , but it severely restricts the amount of time I have left over for teaching and family time . So I had to step up my game . I had to find a way to leave my day job without imposing a financial hardship on my family . Let me tell you , this is not easy to do when you 've been with the same company for more than 20 years , and doing the same job for more than 10 of those years . So , I 've been living in Cedar City now for 23 years . In February 2011 I had the " brilliant " idea that if I had students in Kanab , where my mom lives , I could use that to pay for my gas to go and visit my mom on a regular basis . I managed to get one student , and it was a really good thing , but it was hard driving there after work one day , sleeping there , and then getting up early enough the next day to make the 80 - mile drive back in time for my normal work schedule . When Lisa got her job in Richfield , we decided it made sense to find students there , so that we could try to speed up the process of my leaving my day job so I could live full - time with the family in Richfield . This started a viscously brutal weekly schedule for me where I was working in Cedar on Monday , driving to Richfield that night after work to teach students there , then driving back to Cedar for work Tuesday morning . Then I would go to Kanab on Wednesday after work , teach my students there , then drive back to Cedar on Thursday morning . This was getting old fast , and the powers that be at work were preventing my boss from allowing me to have a more flexible work schedule . I finally had to go outside of my own chain of command to one of the vice presidents in Vegas to work out a " trial " work - from - home schedule where I got to work " from home " two days each week . This made things a lot better for my work schedule and family life , but brought a lot of grief down on my boss , which doesn 't make me terribly happy since he 's stood behind me now for almost 13 years whenever I needed any support . But when you have a sleep disorder , getting up at 4 am on a regular basis is hard to do , and I still wasn 't living full - time with my family But now , all of that is going to change . In two weeks , I will work my last day at that job . I 'm going to teach CIS classes at the same college where Lisa is working ! I 'm only going to be adjunct , so it 's not a full - time gig , and I won 't get benefits , but Lisa 's benefits are better than what I was getting from my current employer anyway . The classes I 'm teaching don 't start until 1 pm , and they are only 3 days a week , so no more 4 am wake ups , and I 'll be able to schedule students at earlier times of the day , giving them more flexibility with me . After we survived my folly of a college education , I was just a little bit lost . Now , don 't get me wrong , I have a very high respect for a college education . My mom graduated from two colleges and taught public school for 40 years . One of my aunts is an adviser in the MBA program for the University of Southern California , and Lisa holds two bachelor degrees and a masters and has worked in higher education since 1998 , as both staff and faculty . It was folly for me because I was not pursuing something that would bring me closer to my long - term goals . I was basically just fulfilling a personal need to get a sense of completion . I ended up with two associate degrees , but they were in computer information systems , not music . I learned a lot about business practices that I wish I had known about when we had the store , and I can use that with my future business efforts . But it didn 't get me a raise at work , it didn 't contribute to my musical skills , and it made me realize that , no matter how much I liked doing my job , I really didn 't like being at work when there were other people there . I found my own productivity increased a lot when I wasn 't distracted by the sights and sounds of my co - workers around me . This did not make me feel better about all the time I spent away from my family . During this time , however , I discovered a website unlike any other guitar website I had ever come across before . The website was run by Jamie Andreas , and it was primarily for supporting Jamie 's book , " The Principles of Correct Practice for Guitar , " http : / / www . guitarprinciples . com . I highly recommend Jamie 's book if you are struggling with excess tension in your guitar playing . The GP forums turned out to be a great place to share ideas about guitar playing , learn new stuff , and meet other guitar players with similar tastes , goals and experiences . Just some of the people I first " met " online at the GP Forums include Karla Fisher , Donna Zitzelberger , Sharon Netzley , Trevor Darmody , Brent VanFossen , Antony Reynaert , Leanne Regalla , and Mike Philippov . After a couple of years on those forums , Karla arranged for Donna and Sharon to visit her for a long weekend during an annual hand - made instrument trade show in Protland , OR . The three had such a great time playing guitar and learning new things , that they decided to make it an annual event . Karla 's guitar teacher , Scott Kritzer , had the brilliant idea for his Classical Guitar Immersion ( CGI ) event , in 2006 . By this time , Karla and Sharon had talked Scott into teaching students via the internet , and I was proud to be one of the first few distance students Scott had . I attended CGI 2007 , and I got to meet so many online friends in person ; especially Karla , Donna , Brent , and other long distance students of Scott 's ; as well as some of his more local students ; and Perfecto DeCastro . But , what changed my life the most during that week was rooming with Trevor . Trevor and I really seemed to have so much in common on so many different levels . The workshop that he and Donna did on teaching kids was invaluable to me , and when the two of them ganged up on me to convince me to just start teaching already , I finally decided I had done enough research and I needed to just get going with it . Thus , Kolob Music Instruction was born ! I came back from Portland energized like I had not been in years , and ready to take on the world . I started advertising for students , but didn 't get any for a while . Trevor had told me about his electric guitar teacher , Tom Hess , and I checked out his website , but I just wasn 't looking for what Tom offered yet . Trevor was enrolled in Tom 's Music Careers Mentoring Program ( MCMP ) , and Trevor sent me a link to a page advertising a new program Tom was starting . The Elite Guitar Teachers Inner Circle was , Tom promised , a place where he would share all the secrets about how he built his guitar teaching business into a six - figure income for himself . The first year that I taught was an extremely rough year . I managed to kick myself in the ass and get something done . My MCMP group produced a compilation CD , and this became my first published recording ! The CD is called " Under The Same Sky " and if you send me your mailing address , I 'll send you a copy ! 😀 Currently , I 'm teaching students in Iron county and Kanab , and I 'm always looking for new students . If you 've read my story so far , thanks for taking an interest ! Keep reading here to follow me as I move forward and continue to work at building a business that will sustain itself and provide for my family ! How My Musical Journey Started - Part 4b Posted on February 23 , 2010 by kenrhodes Emboldened by my experiences with the battle of the bands and the fact that I had finally gotten paid to play my guitar with Sceptor , I continued to search for a band that was a good fit . Considering that I had grown up listening to everything from Simon & Garfunkel , Buck Owens , the Beatles , AC / DC , Judas Priest , ABBA , Duran Duran , and nearly everything in between ; I didn 't think it would be too hard to find another band . This is probably the reason that I didn 't work very hard at this " search " . I mostly just continued to practice and get better as a player - although I only really progressed when I had a teacher directing me . Then one day , kind of out of the blue , Shannon Otte calls me up . He was divorced from Tracy by now , and he was in a band called Shilo . I knew of Shilo because my friend Kevin had been their drummer for a short time , and also because their original lead guitarist , Darren " Hawkeye " Pearce , was another friend of mine . Hawkeye and Kevin had both quit the band by then , but Shannon called me up because they were looking for a new gutiarist . The short story from here is that I came to a rehearsal , met the guy who was going to be the new drummer ( it was his frist time meeting the band as well ) , Eric Wilson , and found out that they were going in a more pop / rock direction . For about a year they had been making a name for themselves as a country band , but Shannon felt the need to expand the repertoire and change the name to reflect that . The other members of the band at that time were Bill Sherritt and Stacy Taylor , both of whom were very country oriented . Eric and I were decidedly rock oriented , and Shannon was bit of a mix of both . During that first meeting , it was decided that the new name of the band would be C . C . Ryder - a name Shannon came up with based on a song that Elvis used to use to open all of his concerts . About the same time , I started dating Lisa . The only member of Sceptor that I kept contact with was the other guitarist , Lynn Dennett . He was local , and he lived with his parents just around the corner from my apartment building . He also worked on the college newspaper with my cousin , Nicole Bonham , and he and I started hanging out together and jamming once in a while . He introduced me to Lisa one day , when she was at his house , and we got along pretty well . We had met previously , when she and Nicole ran into me and Kevin after the first Sceptor gig . She teases me about this because I don 't remember any details about " Nicole 's friend " that night . I don 't remember Nicole introducing us . I had just played my first four - hour gig , it was about 2am , and all I wanted was to get a drink and a hot dog and go home to think about the gig . That summer , Lisa was one of the few people that I knew well enough to call up socially that hadn 't left town until the next fall , and we started going to movies together . At first I thought of it as just a friendship , even though I was attracted to her almost immediately . We would talk for long periods about politics and social issues , and it was the first time that I remember having a conversation ( that wasn 't about music ) with a peer who knew more about what they were saying than I did . Well , it was the first time since the last time I had seen my high school friend John . Before Lisa , he was the only person I ever spoke with that got into the same kind of discussions . I lasted as a member of C . C . Ryder for two years . During that time we added Shannon 's girlfriend , Lise Mills , as a backup singer , Stacy got married and moved to Missouri , and we replaced her with Michele Pinoch and added keyboardist / guitarist Mike Myers . Mike worked at the new chemical plant that was just starting up , WECCO , as the IT director . I was " taking a break " from college , working as a dish washer , and trying to make loan and insurance payments on a used car that was a replacement for the one I wrecked the previous summer . Mike knew that I was studying computer science in college , and he needed an assistant with a small amount of computer knowledge for a temporary project . I needed a better job than washing dishes , and I figured Mike would be a good boss to work for , so I got hired as a temporary employee for Western Electrochemical Company ( WECCO ) , a subsidiary of American Pacific Corporation ( AMPAC ) . Mike 's mom , Rhea , was the plant secretary , and was in charge of processing all the paper work . Lisa and I were living together , planning to get married soon , and Rhea took it upon herself to process all of my paperwork as a permanent hire , instead of a temp , so that I was enrolled in the pension and insurance benefits . During my time with C . C . Ryder , we played a lot . It was the norm for bands to play both Friday and Saturday night at most places , and some places would have you play on Wednesday , too , for ladies night ; and we played three out of every four weekends . We had our ups and downs , but between Shannon looking like a stunt double for Patrick Swayze and a song list that spanned several genres and was always adding current hits , we ended up being the biggest draw in the area . This was good , because we nearly always played for a cut of the door . Now , being the biggest draw in southern Utah isn 't nearly as prestigeous ( or profitable ) as it may sound . But we had a good time . It didn 't take long , though , before I began to see that Shannon was an asshole , and he and I did not see eye - to - eye on many things where the band was concerned . As time went on , I began to resent him more and more , to the point where I only played my guitar at band rehearsals and gigs . Every time I picked it up at home , I was overwhelmed with thoughts of how much I hated Shannon . I didn 't like feeling that way , and being too emotionally immature to deal with it properly , I dealt with it by not playing my guitar . Michele felt the same way , and she was constantly campaigning to have Shannon replaced , but I was the only one that felt strongly enough about it to support her openly . One day Shannon just up and fired her from the band , and then the next Monday at work , after playing our first gig without a female lead vocalist , Mike told me that Shannon and Bill were auditioning guitarists to replace me . I remember thinking that it was a good thing that I was finally going to get out of that band . I wasn 't a strong enough person to quit on my own , and Mike and Eric were such great friends and musicians to work with , that I kept holding out for Shannon to leave . But Eric was going to be going on a mission for his church in a couple of weeks , so I was feeling less committed to sticking around . I remember thinking that if Shannon and Bill - especially if Bill had done so - but if they had come to me and said that they didn 't feel I was a good fit any longer , I would have agreed with them . If they had asked me to stick around and play the scheduled gigs while they find someone to fill in and / or replace me , I 'd have been happy for the chance to play more . But with them going behind my back , I decided that I didn 't owe them a damn thing . I told Mike to tell them that I quit , and that was that . For the next two years , however , I was still consumed with hatred for Shannon every time I picked up my guitar , so I didn 't ever pick it up . I finally got over myself and found the desire to play again , but I had a young child now . Lisa and I had been married for more than two years , Charlie was almost a year old , and we had finally moved out of our apartment and into our first house . I was practicing in the bedroom , and watching Charlie . He crawled up to my amp and , before I knew what he was doing , he cranked the master volume up to about 8 or 9 . Poor little guy was scared half to death and started bawling right away . I made a mental note that I wouldn 't practice while he was up and around , and that I would focus on giving him my attention instead . It didn 't take long before I realized that , by the time Charlie was down for the night , I was too damn tired to think straight , let alone practice my guitar . I also had been moved into production at the plant by this time , and my work schedule didn 't make it easy for me to commit to a band , so I had no motivation . For the next eight years , about once a month , or so , I would get my guitar out , spend about 10 to 15 minutes remembering bits and pieces of my old repertoire , and then put the guitar away for another few weeks . That is , until I had an accident at work one day . I got my finger pinched in a peice of equipment and split open my left hand ring finger . It was only four stitches , but it was right on the part of the finger that contacts the strings when you play power chords . Being primarily a hard rock and metal guitarist , I played more power chords than anything else , and the part of my finger that is used for scales was also affected . It took more than a year before I was brave enough to force the flesh to toughen up so I could play steel strings again . By then I was working a desk job at work , and I was really starting to enjoy work again . I had a " regular " schedule , which made it possible to consider looking for another band , but then I went and started going back to school for a degree , which sucked up way too much time away from my family . Lisa struggled with three children at home , while working a full - time job at the university , and I was always either in class or at work , working long hours to make up for the time I was at school .
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" Sookie . Would you be a dear and go find Selah for me ? I sent her for the mail roundup a half hour ago and that girl has no concept of time whatsoever ! " Agnes rolled her eyes at me as she dried her hands on a towel . I looked for her all over . The basement for laundry , the gardens , the cells ; she was nowhere to be found . But then I heard a noise coming from Bill 's office and I did something that I wish I hadn 't . I pushed the handle of the door and allowed it to open quietly . There they were , at his desk . Him standing over her with his hand to her mouth , her bent at an uncomfortable angle over the edge of his desk - one which he 'd forced me into not so long ago . He was inside her , but not in a welcomed way . Her eyes , as they made contact with mine , told me that . This wasn 't love , this was rape . " Don 't you ever knock , Sookie ? " he asked coming towards me . I instinctively took a step back . " What you saw , you didn 't . Do you hear me ? " " This isn 't your business , Stackhouse . You heard him , " she answered in a harsh tone . It matched Bill 's but didn 't match up with the emotions playing out on her face at all . Who could I tell about this ? Niall still wasn 't back to work ; Geraldine probably wouldn 't care ; and Eric and I … well , we were just about as guilty of our own misdoings . Who was there to tell who would actually help ? There was no one . And If she wasn 't willing to speak up , I knew it would be just his word against mine . It was useless . I made my way to Amelia 's . I informed the Sisters that it was for the benefit of my teaching that we have these " meetings " and that to not have them would only make my work suffer in the classroom . Sure it was a lie but at this point , a lie was the least of my worries , since I was a vow - breaking slut and all . I loved Amelia 's place . It was so her , but so cozy and welcoming . I guess that was also part of her ; that , and it was unlike anything I was used to at home . " Are you okay ? Do you have photos of the dresses you wanted to look at ? " I said taking my hot chocolate and sitting on the couch . She was looking to the bathroom door and back to me so much duing the last five minutes , I figured she really had to pee , or there was something wrong . " Oh , did I forget to mention … " she made a ' tut ' noise before she sat down again . " Right well , I rang the convent … Sookie , you 're helping our friend Amelia who just took very ill all of a sudden and needs you to stay with her until she 's feeling better - she has no family here you see . The nun I spoke to seemed to know that this Amelia was a teacher friend and thus aided in Sister Stackhouse 's learning and her teaching for them . Well , that and I was a tad dramatic . " She smiled then looked at Eric . " Then I got Trey to call saying that Father Eric was a most valued spiritual advisor and would be needed for pre - wedding talks , and that we lived in New Orleans now . We 've just moved but are still just so darn attached to our dear sweet Father , and since it was such a long drive , you might be staying with us for a day or two . " " Well kids , have fun . The fridge is full , I have a TV , there 's a radio , the oven works , but I do so hope you find other ways of entertaining yourselves while I 'm gone . " She winked causing me to blush just a little and Eric to roll his eyes . " Damn right I am . I 'm tired of the angst babies . I love you both , you love each other . Extract heads from holes and talk to each other , please ? " " No Sookie , don 't do the big soft blue eyes at me . My daddy used to say , ' you can 't ride two horses with one ass . ' Choose your horse … and for all our sakes , ride him right . " She wriggled them damn brows at me again . " Mmmhmm … " she dismissed me , going in for a hug . " I love you too , Sook . Eric , do your thing . I 'll see you both in two days . " " No . I told you , not when you 're like this . When you 're mad you make impulsive decisions and that 's not what I need this to be . So , we 're going to sit here until you calm down . I 'm going to make a sandwich , you want ? " " He 's better . He 's off the oxygen which is great . Agnes has really been a great help to him . I think it helps to have people his age around him too , you know ? They have years of memories to giggle over . " " That 's good though . I mean , not just that he 's feeling better , but that he has a friend to talk to , " I guilted him . Since he was my friend and for the past month we 'd not spoken a word to each other - probably my fault , but it 's not like it was something I requested . " Know what ? Know that you love me , but you love your faith more ? Know that while you love me with your heart , your soul belongs to God and can never be parted from him ? Know that even though we both know that that church and that convent is evil and it breeds and contains evil , that you still won 't even consider leaving it because of some foolish notion that you can change it ? That you can help ? It doesn 't work like that , Sookie . It never has and it never will . They will always have the power over you , and you … Jesus , you LET THEM ! " " Where do I belong then , huh ? See Eric , unlike you I never got the chance to find out if I could deal with the world on my own terms . I never got out to see if I could survive on my own . IT ' S ALL I KNOW ! THEM , AND THEIR SO - CALLED EVIL , IT ' S ALL I KNOW ! " I started to feel the tears sting the back of my eyes , even if I was doing my best to hold them in . " But we can change that . WE can change it . You wouldn 't be doing it alone , Sookie . I 'd be there with you . " " And what if you 're not ? " I let the tears fall then , it was no use . If I was going to cry I may as well have gotten it out of the way . " What if , six months from now you realize I 'm not what you want ? Or I realize you 're not what I want ? Do you know how utterly terrified I am of losing you ? But now I find that by doing nothing , I 've lost you anyway . " " You could never lose me , Sook . Never . I told you once and I meant it . It 's not faith in God you need , sweetheart , it 's faith in yourself . " I felt his arm slip around my shoulder , and before I knew it he had me enveloped in one of his fantastic hugs . I loved Eric 's hugs . They made me feel so protected and purely loved , and all it was , was a hug . I didn 't know how he managed to do it , but he did . " Yes , even though you 're nuts . You 're my nutty Stackhouse and I wouldn 't trade you for anything . " I heard him smile . I smiled . Of course , he and I were schooled on our angels to not expect the fluffy fat babies with wings . As nice as that would be … well nice , and a little bit creepy . Who wants flying babies ? " Okay , good . Because Sookie , I have to admit arguing with you is freakin ' exhausting . " He laughed and cuddled me even closer . He smelled nice . Like the smell of fresh air when opening a window after a long day inside ; and soap - he always smelled clean . " Niall thinks Bill and Geraldine are hiding something . He 's doubled checked mostly everything - the finances , the orphanage , adoptions , funding - and it 's all as it always was . He can 't find anything and it 's starting to drive him a little mad . He knows they 're hiding something , but he doesn 't know what yet . " " I do . How could I forget the first time I got to lay eyes on you in three years ? " He kissed me sweetly on the nose . It made telling him what I had to tell him , that much harder . " Bill saw us together in the gardens . He didn 't like it . He was very … obsessive when it came to me . Before you came back , he was always hanging around when I 'd least expect him to be . Always watching . " And he called me into his office that afternoon to tell me how much he didn 't like you touching me , or the fact that I had allowed you to touch me . He was manic . That 's when he … well , he … " " He was so angry , Eric . I 'd never seen that look in his eyes before . You 'd think he owned me by the way he reacted to a simple hug … He tired to … to … " " Did he touch you ? " The vein in Eric 's neck was his worst enemy . It always gave away his mood , no matter how calm his voice remained . " No , he was going to … He had me … right where he wanted me , but thankfully Niall interrupted us just in time to stop him from … hurting me . But my point is , I think Geraldine knows . Look , we both know firsthand that she has no issue hurting people she deems beneath her , and he 's the same . She uses a whip … he uses his di - " I stopped myself before I said it out loud … " But my point , is they know what the other is up to and they do nothing . Hell , Niall has known for years what she 's done to those kids and even he did nothing . I hate that so much . " " You know we have no say over the convent , or how the nuns handle discipline . Believe me , I 've tried to change the policy , but in some cases I might actually make it worse . Can you imagine what might happen if Bill were in charge of disciplining the kids ? " " I walked in on him today . With Selah . At first , with them I thought it might have been something consensual . She 's had something of a crush on him I think , where as he … well he 's just evil . But that look in her eyes , Eric told me it was not consensual . " " I can 't let it go on , Sookie . It 's not right . If he had touched you … if he had touched you in that way , would you have ever told me ? " he asked in all seriousness . " Honestly ? I don 't know . Eric , when he did what he did to me - or tried to , anyway - I felt so utterly powerless and at fault . It was paralyzing . So , when you said that I let them take the control … " " I didn 't know about that Sookie , and that 's not what I meant . I meant in terms of the nuns . But when a guy decides to take away a woman 's right like that ? That 's a whole other ballgame . One that I can 't let him get away with . " " Inform the Bishop maybe ? Tell Niall ? He 'd never stand for that sort of shit , not while he was in charge and if you 're right and old Geraldine does know … well , she 's as guilty as he is . She 's meant to protect her nuns . " I scoffed . " We both know that word means nothing to her . She was and is meant to protect those kids too , but we know how good she is at that aspect of her job . " " Yeah . " I smiled looking up at him , his two day old stubble looking more and more attractive from every angle . " You have an amazing heart . " We laid there for well over an hour . Just being together and falling in and out of our nap together . By the time both of our stomachs told us that they were feeling neglected , it was well after six , and almost dark . Cooking with Sookie was an experience . She let me do things I 'd not been allowed to do in the convent kitchen . We made pasta and chicken with some spicy sauce Ames had told Sookie to try ages before - she never had , and she was glad I was there in case she hated it . She didn 't . She did however gag slightly at the sight of the cheese that I was melting onto my pasta . Apparently , her stomach hadn 't been approving of dairy for a few days . " I know . I know and I love her for it , and I 'm so glad I have a friend like her . I know people who are sorely missing out on someone like her in their life . " " Yeah , he and she don 't talk because of Trey . It 's so horrible . He 's the one person in the world that Amelia loves and her dad is some rich snoot who just can 't deal with the fact that Trey isn 't some blue blood or whatever . It 's snobbery at it 's worst . " After dinner , we raided her freezer for a rather large tub of honeycomb ice cream . We ate half of it in front of her TV before Sookie suggested we light the fire . I wasn 't a master of lighting fires , but I figured that if a caveman could do it , I could manage it . And since there were things there to ensure it kept going , I was confident in my abilities . We were enjoying the glow of a nice warm log fire , in … well , I 'd say no time at all but we 'd know that might be just fibbing a little bit . " Really ? That 's good . I think I 'd have loved him too , if he were anything like you . " She petted my chest slightly laying her head back down on me again . I was content , just sitting , talking , occasionally snuggling . So when I felt her lips touch my neck , I was on full alert - all of a sudden , all of me was on full alert . I all but froze when I felt her hands creep under my shirt . This would be on her terms . As much as I wanted her , I knew that it wasn 't really my call . She called the shots right now , and I certainly wasn 't going to force her into sex just because we were alone and safely behind closed doors . Instead of talking or arguing or angsting our way to a decision , she simply stood up , took my hand and led me to the one bedroom at the back of the apartment . " It is . Will you lay with me on it ? " she asked , holding her hand out for me to take if I 'd wanted . I wanted . Second of all , that married thing ? Total bullshit . Trey and I have been doing it for years . But that 's not what this is about . This is about you , and really , if you 're about to have sex , why is one of you still reading this ? There is a hamper in the bathroom . Before I come back , I 'd like my sheets and covers in there please . Along with anything else you two might see fit to do it on . Please be kind and bleach when you 're done . " She seems to think my skills for getting you naked are rather high . I 'm not going to dispute that . " I laughed too , before flopping on my back to lay side by side with Sookie again . " I know , and I 'm still scared . But today was something … it pointed out to me how we could be if we were a normal couple . Peaceful naps , cooking together , just being together without that constant fear looming over us . I hate that fear , Eric . And today showed me that it doesn 't always have to be there . I love you , I see that you love me - you 're willing to give up your entire life too just so we can be together , and you don 't get enough credit for that - and just because I 'm scared doesn 't mean it 's a bad idea , right ? " " You didn 't have to wear me down . It 's just me , it 's like something clicked . I mean , yes it 's my life I know and I love my kids - God Eric , I do love my kids , and I love the work we do … but if I had to choose between you and how we feel for each other , or the possibility of being the next Selah ? You better believe I 'm leaving . " " No . It 's a tiny part , but it 's mostly you and a possible life together that until today didn 't seem all that achievable . But I want it all , Eric . I want it . I want you , and I want us , and the white picket fence and the dogs and the cats and whole deal . " So I kissed her again . This time sliding most of myself and my body weight on top of her . She welcomed it , sliding her legs open ever so slightly so I could rest between her thighs . I unbuttoned her dress slowly , once I knew for sure she wanted to go further , which she assured me of when she started to unbutton my shirt claiming to she wanted to touch me . Far be it from me to deny her such a thing , I made quick work of the shirt and the tank underneath , before I began to rid her of her clothes . I kissed my way up her flat stomach , dipping into the ample valley of her breasts , two things I knew I 'd never tire of seeing . Men , we really were simple creatures . So amused and awed by such simple and natural beauties . And Sookie was one natural beauty I 'd always admired , even from afar . Sookie and stockings . They were such a grown up thing , that grown up ladies wore while being all grown up and lady like . This was the second time I 'd caught a glimpse of Sookie in thigh high nylons . I 'm sure it was a common occurrence for a woman in the late 1950s to wear them on a daily basis . But they just served to remind me that Sookie and I weren 't kids anymore , that she was very much a grown up woman - one who was writhing on a very big bed in need of no one else but me . It was the best natural high a guy could get as far as I was concerned . There was this beautiful amazing and slightly crazy woman , and she needed me and all I could offer her in that moment . It was when she held her ground when I tried to take over that really impressed me . I ended up on my back with her gorgeous self hovering over me . I took her breasts in my hands , making sure each got gentle and equal attention . " But you know that what I 'm offering isn 't some whim ; it 's life together and all that that means . I wanna marry you , Sookie Stackhouse . I think I always have . " " I know . And you know that by leaving with you , that 's what I want right ? It 's not some whim … " she replied and I nodded in acceptance . " Wait ! " I said before we went any further . I didn 't want her in pain , not this time . I moved us around so that she was facing the left window as I slid in beside her . I lifted her leg gently to place it on top of mine allowing me access to her , without any of the pain - I 'd hoped . " Feels … different , " she said as I began to fuck her - slowly at first , then faster and faster as I felt her getting into it . She was just so wet and so ready for me , but knowing how she pushed through the pain the first time , I didn 't want her to have to do that again this time . This position worked for both of us . We were still new to this game , but she knew enough to grasp tightly to my thigh - so tight that her nails were definitely going to leave a mark . Her breathing was shallow and faster than I ever remember hearing it . " No … I can 't , I need to see you . I can 't see you . " She wasn 't panicking , but I knew she was close to losing it . So I stopped as gently as I could and even though she winced as I pulled out of her , she grabbed me instantly and kissed me until I was on top of her again . She kissed my cheek before she made her way up to my ear - God , that felt amazing - before she told me she was more than ready for me again . This time I brought her knees up higher , allowing me much more access inside of her , and before I knew it her legs where trembling and she was mumbling words that I just couldn 't make out . My hips snapped faster and faster as I moved and filled her so completely . Then it happened . She screamed my name before I felt her muscles inside tighten , and she did it . She bit me . " Write without pay until somebody offers to pay " - Mark Twain . Welcome to the WP extension of the rambles of Chanel Addict . Poke around , stay a little while , get comfortable ! x June 2017
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The Choices lull is over . The schedule book revealed that I 'm booked solid for the next several weeks . I 'd established a new Earn While You Learn client and visited with another young married lady in for a pregnancy test when we got a phone call . " Do ya 'll do abortions there ? My friend wants an abortion . " We got her friend right in . In all honesty , she didn 't seem terribly crisis . She wanted an abortion because she already had a couple of children and she had a little pressure to get one - but nothing violent and she also had lots of support . She admitted she knew little about abortion procedures or risks - but she wanted the truth . We walked through the gestational progression of an infant in the womb . I could see her eyes soften as she looked at the detailed pictures of tiny , unborn babies . Tears formed in her eyes as I explained the abortion procedures and she whispered , " That 's horrible . " Then I shared the possible risks to her and some common Post Abortive symptoms - depression , relationship issues , suicidal thoughts , guilt , anniversary grief , alcohol and substance abuse . She seemed to reach eagerly for the good news of the gospel . We couldn 't really tell how far along she was . " Will you come back in a week for an ultrasound ? " Becky asked her and she agreed . " I think she 'll come back , " Becky told me . " I really do . " And I agreed . Every time I hear a girl tell me why she wants an abortion , my heart breaks . What a trap each of these women has fallen into ! A trap in which there is no easy way out , but deception makes appear easy the most dark and despairing choice - to destroy their own children and , in so doing , their own lives . It 's a quick fix , some say , but I have yet to meet a woman who has endured an abortion who is not suffering - silently , miserably , guiltily suffering . So much for women 's liberation . I hate the bondage of so - called liberation . " You can be like God , " the serpent told Eve . Our culture tells them the same thing , " You can be like God - choosing liPosted by " Is this a swimming day ? " Papa asked me as I finished up a slew of outside chores . Vigorously I nodded . We 've not been to Slant Rock once this summer . As it turned out the Schriebers accompanied us and we splashed in the shallows of a more distant beach until Josiah and I headed over to the rope swing . Somehow it wasn 't as fun as sometimes . We both felt weak and tired , but we climbed the nailed - on boards to swing into the water anyway . Often my ears will ache a bit after swimming , likely due to the less - than - clean water , but today proved a bit more frightening . As I hit the water the third time , I heard a loud pop and my ear began to burn intensely . " Pressure , " I thought to myself . " I got water in my ear . It 'll go away . " It didn 't . By the time we got home and I had showered , I could barely hold my head upright . The pain spread through my left ear and down into my jaw and neck leaving me with an intense headache . Miserably I stared at my supper , my head tilted to the side . And my family began to make suggestions . Josiah offered ear drops that he 'd used to stave off ear - infections . Mom suggested alcohol . Papa offered an anti - inflammatory pill he had . I tried all of them , with no success . In fact , the rubbing alcohol felt like molten lead seething inside my brain . " You know , " Mom said . " Once Uncle Wayne burst his ear - drum and he tried putting alcohol down it and the pain drove him up the wall . " Great . Just what I needed to hear . Burst ear - drums ? Do they ever heal ? I began paging through our medical books for info about earaches . And I discovered that using Q - tips and wearing earplugs can force earwax down into the inner ear and cause buildup of pressure and , guess what ? Burst ear drums . And guess what I 'd been doing that morning before I went swimming ? Weeding . With ear plugs in . Oh yes . There is was . I must have burst my ear drum . The hopeful news ? They grow back . But in how long ? I was beginning to feel like curling up in a fetal position and crying . Supposedly I have a high pain tolerancePosted by Last night as I struggled against the insistent tears of hurt , I sat up in bed and told myself , " Abigail , don 't be silly . Suffering for doing what 's right might sound heroic and deserving of drama , but you 're losing sight of true suffering for what is right . Jesus suffered unlike you can ever imagine suffering and He learned obedience through the things which He suffered and has left us an example that we should follow in His footsteps . Which means it 's just what we should expect - all of us . And it works to teach us obedience . You are learning to be obedient to the Father and that 's just exactly a part of your Christian walk that you need work in . " Slowly , methodically I refuted my whining " Why did I get hurt ? I didn 't deserve this " attitude . I reminded myself of my rebellion against God , my sin against His holiness and my utter helplessness to stand justified before God . Suddenly what I deserved came into focus like the slow turn of a camera lens : I deserve hell , utterly separated from God , hopeless , dark and agonized . It is only by His mercy that I am not a miserable , damned sinner . Perspective dampens the martyr 's tears and wells up within me the overwhelming joy . I am saved . From a horrible eternal existence without God . From exactly what I deserved . Jesus took the wrath that I deserved . Here I sit , moaning about something I didn 't deserve when He has left me that example . In that moment I knew that I was not suffering . My pain was healed . If the Lord of glory would rescue me from eternal punishment at the expense of Himself , He will do for me what is best . Why do I so lack trust and wallow in misery over things that should bring me joy ? So , by His grace I did what was right . Do I suffer for it ? Sheesh . Can it really be suffering if it is what God has allowed to teach me obedience ? Obedience is only tested through the hard and painful things . Can it really be suffering if given from the loving hand of my Abba Father ? Can it really be suffering when measured alongside the suffering of Posted by Accompanied by Josiah , I was dropping off eggs to Dr . Don one day early this spring when began to share some of what he had been studying lately . Z . Hall had been looking at the Sabbath and had encouraged him to do the same - with the result that he had become convinced he ought to " keep it " and was very excited to do so . Dr . Don is always excited and he spoke a million miles a minute with a quick wind - up asking if we had any thoughts , but in the busy rush of a dental clinic he had to be off to the next patient before we had a chance to respond . I walked away chuckling . If he thinks I am quiet and serious , it is only in comparison to the outstanding energy he and Miss J possess . I did have many thoughts which began with one simple scripture and have continued with me until I have at last been able to unravel them all in digital letterhead . What I 've discovered has brought me great delight and , as always , has brought again to mind the beauty of the gospel and the precious Lord Jesus - who is Lord of the Sabbath . The phrase " keep the Sabbath " has been used loosely throughout the years since Jesus ' resurrection . In my lifetime I 've heard it defined in a dozen different ways for a dozen different purposes . But if we , as believers , are to keep the Sabbath , we must understand what it is and where it originated . And we must know if Jesus ' coming has changed the Sabbath or ended the Sabbath or fulfilled the Sabbath or left us simply groping to know whether or not the Sabbath is a remnant of a past covenant or an integral part of this period of grace . " Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy , " came the command from Mount Sinai , through the tablets of stone which God wrote in the presence of Moses ( Exodus 20 : 8 - 11 ) . The edict harkened back as a picture of creation , when God created the world in six days and on the seventh , the Sabbath , He rested ( Genesis 2 : 2 ) . " For six days you shall labor and do your work , but the seventh you shall keep as holy to the Lord your God . You shall do no work therein . " ForPosted by See , it 's like this : it doesn 't happen often , but when it does , beware . Today I was riding an emotional rollercoaster - - and it looked like a suburban . It 's been building up for a couple of weeks . No , actually , it 's been building up for a year . A year 's worth of build - up can be pretty nasty . And to top it off , several things this weekend resulted in a complete drop - out in the careful nest of my emotions - - mostly due to relief , partly due to confusion and a lot of bewilderment . Why did I have to go through all that misery , confusion and pain , trying desperately to do the right thing - - and there 's no point to it ? Then along comes the reminder that I still haven 't sold the suburban . That suburban that I 've had for a year to sell . That one goes like this : Papa gave me the suburban ( sort of ) to sell with a caveat . See , the money I get from the suburban is supposed to pay for my wedding . Whenever . That 's the missing link for all those people who keep pestering me to find out when I 'm going to get married . I can 't until I sell this suburban . ( That 's a joke . . . I think . ) The problem is that I never wanted the suburban . In fact , it was kind of embarrassing , so I never explained to anyone why my parents gave me a suburban . In olden days girls had countries or lands or cows for dowries . I have a suburban . It 's not very useful to drive in the meanwhile and if I never sell it , it 's not exactly the kind of vehicle I care to start out with . In fact , on the surface it feels like the kind of gift where the giver says , " You know , I 've got this thing I don 't want anymore . And someday soon , I 'm going to have to pay for her wedding . So , why don 't I just give her this thing I don 't want anyway and tell her to sell it and pay for her own wedding . " And I feel just that valuable . Which isn 't very . Is that the truth ? Tell me , dear Searcher of Hearts , since when were emotions dependent on reason or truth ? My wish - wash emotions aren 't terribly interested in the truth . So this gift I have has been weighing on my will , mind and emotions for a year nPosted by I forget just how spoiled I am . Until we have thunderous storms like today and find ourselves devoid of electricity . And then we have nothing to do . By the end of the day when Travis offered a generator even the luxury of lamplight seemed a privilege of rare proportions . It 's good to be reminded of all the " extra " things I enjoy without a second thought . It 's good to be reminded where I was without Christ , as I read Romans again today . I read Romans a lot and , in spite of having memorized it a couple of years ago ( thanks to Tabitha 's encouragement ) , I always discover how little I actually know . For the last couple of weeks I 've been answering in my own mind the questions that others put to me and I hope to have written thoughts to share soon - - for feedback . You know , it 's not really fair to read my thoughts and not share your own . ( Ahem , Jacinda . . . Hannah . . . Sarah . . . and others . ) ; ) I need a shower . The generator , unfortunately , didn 't suffice to get our well - pump running . If you read this , tell me something amazing about the Lord . " Read this , " Sherry told me Monday as she handed me several printed pages . " We 've been given a citation and will appear in the Senate chamber Wednesday . See if you want to come . " My stomach flip - flopped . I 'd expected some increased opposition after the murder of Dr . Tiller but I couldn 't imagine what we could have possibly done . " What is it about ? " I asked , my brows knit together , perplexed . Sherry smiled easily , " It 's for our service to the state and community in saving lives . " I blinked . Wait . The citation wasn 't bad ? I told the family at supper . " It 's a citation for good work , " I explained . Papa leaned back in his chair , an enigmatic smile spreading across his face . " I got a Police citation once . " Three heads snapped quickly to look at him . " It was a citation for aiding in the apprehension of a criminal . They called me a hero . " I raised my eyebrows . " Tell us about it . " And he did . See , when I was a wee little bairn , we lived in Hutchinson , Kansas where Papa worked as an electrical technician at the Kansas Cosmosphere . Before it was such a big deal . In fact , you can still see his work in the displays as well as several space suits that Mom sewed for the manikin space walkers . One day , Papa was working on a bicycle on the screened patio when he heard a ruckus . As he opened the screen door to see what the noise was , here came a policeman in hot pursuit of another man . As Papa started to close the door and turn away the policeman yelled " Stop him ! " Papa opened the door right in front of the fleeing criminal who lost his footing and tumbled to the ground as the officer of the law dived on top of him with handcuffs . That was that . After loading up the hand - cuffed man the police officer stopped by the thank Papa . " I want to give you a citation , " he said , in spite of Papa 's protest that he hadn 't done anything . " You did more than most people would have done . " By the time Papa arrived at work the next day , he was heralded as a hero . Mom was giggling from across tPosted by I feel as though I 've thought a million thoughts today and talked a million more . And when I get them all down on paper , perhaps I will expose a few of them to the critical eyes of the world . I am amazed to consider that the Lord knows all of them already . Lauren shared with me over the phone how she and Nathaniel have formed a method of dealing with issues " on the love seat " to remind them that love must be at the root of it . Without revealing particulars she shared some of her thoughts on when and how to work through issues . " My problem , " I expressed , " is that I have the mistaken view that loving means just always giving in . " " Well , " she answered , " I could probably learn a lot from that . " " No , " I protested . " Not giving in and joyfully serving , but giving in without joy , just giving in and grumbling inwardly . So instead of setting boundaries , I just give in and it festers until I am whining and wondering why I have to be the one who always gives in . " She suggested the best thing I 've heard yet : seeking to respectfully set boundaries , express preferences and desires and then give in . That 's love . Why is it that just when I begin to discover what love really means , I discover as well how unloving I am ? It seemed easy to never say anything negative , always give in , just do whatever it took to make good happen and pretend like I had no feelings . It 's so hard to really love . In fact , I think I 'm a complete failure . Jesus , help me . All week long Mom had been asking , " So , what do you want to do for your birthday ? " All week long I 'd been answering , " I don 't know . " In the back of my head I was thinking , " I 'd like to do nothing for my birthday . " Not nothing as in I don 't want to do anything , but nothing like Winnie - the - Pooh means it . The kind of nothing that can be done while relaxing . At breakfast , Papa assigned me a weedeating task and I sighed inwardly . I should have asked to do nothing . Instead a shouldered the weedeater and marched out to the tick - infested woods . And returned tick - infested . I thank the Lord that chiggers don 't bite me . And I 'm immune to poison ivy . And mosquito bites vanish in a matter of hours from my skin . In the realm of ichiness , ticks are my only enemies . Usually they are easily vanquished , no matter how numerous . What followed was a shower during which I got a brilliant idea . With Emily coming in the afternoon , wouldn 't it be lovely if she and I could go knock around town , maybe do some thrift - store shopping and just generally do nothing for the afternoon ? With soggy hair and a crooked smile , I suggested my plan to Mom as she fried hamburger . I expected her to declare " What a lovely idea ! " Instead she half - shook her head . " I don 't know about that , " she said . " I 'm not sure if that 's a good idea or not . " I swallowed my tongue . In fact , I think it slid all the way down the back of my throat and down through my nervous system into my left foot where it sat feeling like a heavy lead - weight . Hadn 't she been asking all week what I wanted to do ? And we were doing absolutely nothing . The kind of nothing that simply means not a thing . I rounded up my scattered thoughts before I asked , " Were you planning something ? " She kind of shrugged . " Not exactly . I just had a little thing I thought we might do . We 'll see about it . " Emily was due to arrive any time when I finally ventured again to ask Mom what she was thinking . " Well , " she said , " It 's probably okay . See what Emily Posted by I am a victim of abuse . Just look at my right thigh - covered in a lumpy , reddish , purplish , bluish wound . It 's a fact from which I can no longer hide . Every night for several weeks now , it 's happened . Every night . Sometimes more than once . As any crisis , the phases begin with my sudden awakening as I hear the dreaded sound . In sets denial . " Tell me this isn 't happening . Not tonight . It can 't be . I 'm too tired for this . " Persistent truth turns my thoughts to the more plaintive pleading . " Please stop barking , Freckles . Please . Please just be quiet . " The truth is as loud as the barking outside my door . I clamber out of bed as the next stage settles in : anger . Seriously . That dog should realize that we aren 't afraid of deer attacking us and massacring us in our beds . As soon as I open the door and our little wag - tail dive - bombs my toes , licking and wriggling all over with delight , my anger melts into guilt . How could I be angry at her when she so desperately tries to please . " Be quiet , " I say sternly , holding her mouth closed tightly . That exemplifies resolution for my crisis . Suddenly I understand the full import of what is happening , I comprehend what I must do , I suck up and do it and in the end I am a stronger person . Except for last night . Because last night , Freckles was the victim of an unjust accusation . I slid the heavy glass door open to scold her and discovered that while she licked my bare toes earnestly , the barking continued . Taska , on our property , let the whole world know that she had decided to run for best watch dog . About as conceited and ridiculous as Al Gore running for president . Of course I knew that we 'd torn most of the deck off . All that was left was a narrow walkway in front of my door and a small walkway out to the hot tub . I thought I was stepping onto the walkway to peer out at Taska , but actually , I missed it by a few inches and stepped right off the edge of the porch . Thump . Down I went about three feet and landed easily on my feet where I stood , feeling slightPosted by My mind has definitely switched back " on . " I think I 've thought a million thoughts this week , but can 't remember a single thread of them . A quick life update : The Schriebers moved here from Illinois at the first of the month . Glenn and Papa met online several years ago and Glenn has steadily pursued a friendship with Papa , even traveling to visit and encourage us when we lived in Kansas . For several years now they have desired to move and be near us , but this was the first time they were able to sell their house and order things to allow for the move . They 've always lived in the same vicinity - - the adjustment for them will be huge ! On our part , we are delighted to finally have church fellowship . As in any fellowship , we 'll have to get used to each other and learn to prefer each other in honor . " Of all things , " Josiah said sadly one day , bearing a dustpan into the kitchen , " I stepped on a bat . " The poor fluttermousse lay panting , his wings bent and his webbed tail spread out . He must have already lay expiring on the cold garage floor before Josiah 's bare foot discovered him . Perhaps it 's a hopeful sign that more of his kind linger in the nearby woods , ready to annihilate the army of gnats that has encompassed us . This valiant departed assailant had to be laid to rest in the woods shortly after supper , his last breath gone on the wings of time . This was shortly after our visit to the Mystic Caverns where we expressed our desire to have bats move in around our house to help with the insect overpopulation . I finally sat down and sorted through a million things I 'd stacked in my " think about when I get a chance " file . I worked through some of my fleshly cravings for fulfillment to be reminded of the truth that Jesus is all and does all good . I waded through some of the circumstances and issues that confused me a year ago and caught my breath at the perspective I saw - - from just a year away . Circumstances are just circumstances . Sure , God allows them . But they bear little weight when measured against truPosted by It shouldn 't be too complicated getting a tetanus booster . Maybe I just complicate everything . It shouldn 't have been too complicated to pull nails from the old decking boards in our barn . But I managed to step on the edge of a board and felt the sharp point of a rusty nail slide right through my inch - thick boot soles and through the padded sole of my foot . " Ah … " I took a deep breath . " I just put a nail through my foot . " Tommy looked up quickly from the board he was wrestling with on the dusty floor and said cheerfully , " Well , I hope you 're up to date on your tetanus shots . " Josiah shook his head and sighed . " Um , actually , " I answered , slowly removing my boot and staring at the quickly spreading bloody spot on my striped socks , " I haven 't had one since I was eleven . That 's when I ripped my leg open on a rusty nail in the pond dock . " So I limped inside and , while the boys finished pulling nails from the pile of lumber , I washed my wound and poured in peroxide . Mom just went about fixing lunch and Papa continued Bible studying . My parents are clearly given to panic . Will having a nail - pierced foot make me more like Christ ? After a year and a half in Arkansas , I still don 't have a doctor . I haven 't needed one . Really , the wound looked pretty good , so all I was concerned about was the tetanus shot . Tetanus is not something to fool with . I lost a baby goat to tetanus - actually , I spent days treating her , getting up with her at night and trying to get her through before Josiah and I finally put her out of her misery . Misery it was , too , stiff - legged and resembling a rocking - horse with spasms shaking her until she bleated in pain . Not something I want to risk getting . The health department said they 'd give me a booster - Thursday . Another doctor we called needed to see me - to the tune of a hundred twenty dollars . The ER , well , that would be expensive . Backi suggested telling the Health Department what had happened , which prompted them to say that I need to see a doctor . Finally the MPosted by All day I pushed from my mind the weight of knowledge that was frustrating me . Sometimes I feel like I know more about everyone else 's business than they do . Humorously , sometimes I feel like I know more about everyone else 's business than I know about my own . Before the Lord I can honestly attest that I don 't try to get muddled up with matters not concerning me . Somehow getting concerned in matters that concern others just happens to me . Then arises the dilemma - - is this matter secret ? I desire to be discreet , though I often lack wisdom . Am I supposed to DO anything with this knowledge ? I desire to tell the truth , though I often lack discretion . Am I allowed to seek advice from my father ? I desire to be wise , though I often misunderstand the truth . And my emotions raged up and down , around in circles , roller - coastering from confusion to anger . While showering , I showered a far distant person with a piercing lecture , expressing the truth from my perspective . Before I 'd finished drying my hair , my anger had melted into understanding and compassion . We all act out what has been acted upon us : Fear leads to insecurity . Lack of intimacy leads to lack of commitment . Hurt leads to pretending that we don 't hurt . Stifled sensitivity leads to insensitivity . And then I am reminded of the Lord 's grace to me in my failing and flailing and confusion . I am forced to kneel and plead forgiveness for myself again and also plead the Lord 's mercy and grace that my own life would be a cause of encouragement in the Lord and that the Lord would protect all those I love from me , even in the best of my intentions . What a mercy that the world was not given into my hands to govern . I had a dream . In my dream , white and black walked side by side . Not racial equality . A bride and groom . Actually , the dream began with me asking Lin N if she 'd mind a little matchmaking . I knew a guy I thought would be perfect for her . Could I give him her number ? She assented . And I did . And they got married . And I sang at their wedding . Then I awoke and , behold , it was a dream . A couple of days later , Emily sat patiently by , chatting with me as I labored on a jacket - dress . " How 's Lindsey ? " I asked . Because I hadn 't talked to her in some time . In fact , the last time I 'd talked to Lin N she 'd been sharing how the Lord was working in her heart to desire to become a homemaking wife and mother and how she was loving cooking and how she had her school debt almost paid off and how she was content in the Lord . A very good time to keep track of a girl , if you ask me . " Fine , " Emily answered , which is what she always said . And then the funniest thing happened . I never intended to tell anyone about that dream , but I opened my mouth to say something and it toppled right out . " I had the weirdest dream about Lindsey . " When I finished , Emily gave me a funny smile . " That is funny , " she said . " Did you know who the guy was ? " Ah . Yes . Who the guy was . Indeed I did . " It was Tim . " Then her face became a study in comedy . " Was that just out of the blue ? " A million thoughts raced through my mind before I answered , " Maybe not entirely . I might have thought of it before . " Because I had . Lin N and Tim were in the same general vicinity . But they didn 't really know each other . But they should . They really should get to know each other well . " Can I tell Lindsey ? " Emily asked me , and my mouth must have hit the floor . That seemed like a stupid thing to do . Tell Lin N ? Like she needed any distractions . " If you think she 'd find it funny . " Emily snickered , " Yeah . I think she 'd find it really funny . " That night my conscience hurt worse than a stomach with too much wedding cake . How indiscreet . I Posted by I sat down at my desk yesterday to reconcile bank statements and catch up my budget and finance records . That 's when I noticed that my calendar was still turned to March . For everyone who cyber - stalks me and wonders why you were all left hanging in March , rest assured that the oversight has extended to most of my life . In fact , until the past week , I had created a bin of " unthought thoughts " in my mind , to be sorted out and organized later . That 's how crazy life has been . BUT , Papa 's back at work , the eight - week solid wall of company has dissipated ( slightly ) and our schedule is resuming normalcy . Whatever that is . So , perhaps , just perhaps I 'll return . Poor Jacindarella says I 'm long overdue for a post . All day long , everyone kept asking why I was so goofy . On the level , I didn 't think I was being silly at all . I was just enjoying life . I woke up this morning knowing without a doubt that Yahweh is in control , that He has blessed me with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ , that I am His daughter and that He will conform me to the image of His beloved Son . Gurus advocate meditation for a sense of well - being . I can 't imagine what they could meditate on that would boost them like knowing the Author of the Universe - and calling Him " Abba . " Josiah and I made the trek to our namesake town , looking at a property for Glenn 's family . I 'm afraid to say anything after the last attempt . I didn 't like the last property at all , but I 've never seen where they live or what they 've worked with in the past and I 'm a poor hand at construction . Please limit me to screwing screws or destroying sheetrock . Or sanding . There 's nothing to be destroyed sanding . This house seemed much more inviting and certainly better cared for . Dutifully , we took pictures and notes and will offer our observations to those wiser than we . The most delightful event of the trip was a quaint bridge we crossed on our way . Josiah is a perfect companion for me , since he is always more than willing to stop and take pictures . Except , he likes to take pictures , which means he wants to use my camera and force me to be the model . The ever increasing disorder in the back rooms at the clinic is going to finally drive me over the edge . After spending several hours working on tangled paperwork , a client finally showed up for her appointment . " She 's here to see you , " Linda handed me her file . " Uh , yeah , " I answered , " Can I talk to you for a minute ? " We scurried to a back room before I blurted out , " She 's here for a follow - up and ultrasound , there weren 't any issues - what am I supposed to talk to her about ? " We had excellent , thorough training on dealing with tough issues , but I found myself panicking as I Posted by I was scouring the walls of my shower this morning when I straightened up , bumped my head against the water knob and gave myself a surprise shower . As I walked into the kitchen to start lunch , Mom passed me in the hallway and asked , " Why are you all wet ? " Papa valiantly loaded himself into the Camry to go to work this afternoon . Around six o ' clock he came rolling back up the driveway . The nurse had sent him home on limited disability for at least a month . My head was spinning as I heard the verdict . At least a month ! What an odd shape for a blessing to come in . Having Papa home for a month is both exciting and daunting - a totally new thought . What in the world are we going to do for a month ? And then I laugh . All kinds of thoughts begin to fill our minds - we can finally invite some of the families over that we 've been hoping to see . And I have some confusion and questions that have been nagging me for months - things I couldn 't seem to resolve on my own but tried to cheerfully ignore . I 'm not sure if I can even put words to them , but Papa has been just so busy and tired that I didn 't want to exhaust him . Perhaps he 'll have time to dissipate the fog that surrounds most of my brain and clouds my convictions . So much for recuperation for him - - perhaps I 'd better hold off a while yet . I 'd scoffed at the official ground hog who , reportedly , turned tail and climbed back into his hole back in February . " He saw his shadow ! " they announced . " Six more weeks of winter ! " I 've never given much credence to weathermen , hairy or otherwise , and we 've been enjoying days of warmth and sunshine . " It wasn 't his shadow he saw , " I declared to Josiah , " It was the new presidential administration that sent him back into hibernation . " Today the weather grew nasty again . Cold . Drizzly . Uninviting . The political climate is at least as nasty . I think we 're on a collision course with socialism , thanks to nodding , smiling politicians who swear to uphold the constitution and then go at it with a grappling hook . Even Hillary ClintoPosted by Miss Lydia and I signed in to the Sequoyah grade school at about one forty - five and navigated the hallway to find the second grade room of Mrs . Underwood . Our mission ? Visiting Emily 's classroom and telling stories ! We started off with the version of Little Red Riding Hood I 'd pulled out for the homeschool talent show so many years ago - the year I called up the parents and made them perform for the rest of us . Which they did admirably . This time the kids were so delighted they asked to keep their masks . Then we followed it up with the Three Billy Goats Gruff , Puss in Boots and Little Red Riding Hood . Lydia played a delightful Little Red Riding Hood , carrying her basket of goodies around the room to distribute marigold seeds . So there went last night 's hasty preparation . The kids begged us not to leave . Perhaps I 'm ridiculous , but the whole time I was reading Puss in Boots , my mind kept nagging me miserably - Puss was a blatant liar . No matter what kind of a hero we 've made of him and how funny his antics are , he 's a liar - something God 's word speaks very strongly against . How inconsistent I am to decry lying in life only to glorify it before a classroom of second graders because it is performed in a fairy tale by a clever kitty sporting boots . I 'm at a loss what to do … apologize to Emily for endorsing such a story ? My mind wants to argue that it is so trivial , but my conscience insists that if lying lips are an abomination to God and the liar has his place in the lake of fire , how could even a joking lie be trivial to the Lord ? Which turns my stomach with guilt and dread because , even though others often say I " speak truth " , I know the truth and it is far from their opinion of me . I know how deceitful I am , how willing to skew truth in my favor , how at ease in telling partial truths , how comfortable withholding information or pretending ignorance . Tonight on the phone I was nearly brought to tears as Lauryn prayed for me and coupled my name with truth . I only wish it were true , but my heart Posted by An X - ray revealed that Papa 's collar - bone was broken in three pieces . The M . D . told him he might need surgery and shuttled him on to an Orthopedic Surgeon who gave him a sling that fit and a pat on the back and sent him home . In the medical field , they are all still practicing , you know , and none have yet reached perfection . At least they no longer use leeches or seek to balance bile and phlemm and blood . There 's simply nothing to be done for a broken collar - bone , except try to keep it from getting jostled . In the meanwhile , Papa 's neck and chest have turned a rainbow of purples and greens . " It 's kind of fun taking care of him , " Mom announced this evening , " Well , except for the flossing . That didn 't go too well . " As for her , she forgets she has a sore knee at times . Like tonight when she got excited and slapped her knee - then bounced out of her chair crying , " Ow , ow , ow ! " Lydia and I strove desperately to control our giggles , but when Mom 's amazing sense of humor won out , we joined her laughing . This morning I sat cross - legged in beg and opened my Bible to Job . And sighed . Sometimes it seems like a passage in scripture is just alive and teeming with amazing truths and encouragement for exactly whatever I 'm experiencing . I 've eaten up Job in the past , but my mind was blank this morning because Job was a godly man under intense attack . I 'm not a godly person and my life is cruising along comfortably . Too comfortably perhaps . Truly , I have nothing at all of which to complain . But as I waded in , the Lord proved Himself all - wise with a completely different angle from a story I thought I knew . Behold the wonderful friends who came to comfort Job in his misery - it truly does bespeak devotion that they came and sat in the ashes with him for days before speaking . But when they spoke , they spoke not the truth of God , nor with compassion and they tore apart everything Job expressed . And God rebuked them for their " counsel without knowledge . " I drew in my breath , reminded again how vital isPosted by It 's a glorious , quiet Sunday afternoon and my French door is standing wide open . Freckles just galloped by on the rickety porch , her tongue lolling out of her mouth , in pursuit of an insect . In the other room , I can hear Mom and Papa talking about insurance and local doctors and ER costs and nausea . Sometimes you just know what 's going to happen , but it almost seems as if the knowledge is removed - somewhere outside yourself . When Mom told me she and Papa were going for a motorcycle ride , we started talking about the dangers . In fact , it 's the statistics and dangers of motorcycles that led Papa to decide he 'd rather I didn 't have a motorcycle license . As they aired up the tire I had an odd , eerie sensation . Mom tells me she did , too . The whole ride she kept praying for the Lord 's protection , but even more that He would just help her to be calm and to trust Him . As soon as Mom 's ring - tone started , I knew something was wrong - I knew they 'd wrecked . Mom 's voice was calm and deliberate , explaining where they were and what had happened and asking me to bring the truck and have Josiah and Tommy drive separately . My mind flashed back to the time , several years ago , when Papa had cut his knee open with the chainsaw . Now , I could hear the same tone in her voice as she said , measured , " I 'm fine . The motorcycle is fine . Papa 's injured , but we can take him in ourselves . He 's up at some folks ' house . " That 's why Mom and Papa are discussing medical procedures . From the way he hunches and winces , Papa must have his broken collar - bone and perhaps even have a broken or bruised rib or two . Mom has a banged up knee . It could have been so much worse . What Mom and I had actually discussed before they left is how many motorcycle wrecks are fatal . Even little spills can do big damage . With their helmets and layers of protection , Mom and Papa had no scratches . They spilled into the ditch on a hairpin curve right in front of a house where people were out in the yard . And they had cell - phone reception - baPosted by The Little Rock Zoo was a zoo today . Redundancy is not something of which I make a common habit but in this case I 'll make an unusual exception . Tommy didn 't know when he invited us to come see the zoo , that the zoo had invited everyone the same day - for a free day at the zoo . They expected at most 8 , 000 . By the time we escaped the massive gates in mid - afternoon , at least 20 , 000 had been through the front gates . I found myself studying people with as much curiosity as ever I studied primates or reptiles or pachyderms . Hairdos resembling the plumage of exotic birds , outfits that rivaled peacocks and all kinds of faces with all kinds of expressions that might frighten even the apes . Among the hordes of people that crowded so thickly as to make me feel like I was inside a pressure cooker , I lost myself in watching and forgot that others might find me of interest : until a group of Indian men caught my attention , clearly discussing me inside the tropical rain forest exhibit . Not checking me out , but discussing my clothing - a blue Punjabi and flip flops . Likely they were noting that I had the scarf around my neck incorrectly or that the pattern was severely out of style , or even that the make was certainly from farther East into the Orient than Asia - from Thailand to be exact . The exhibits Tommy showed off with the most pride were the ones he 'd built - tall posts wrapped with rope and covered with a thatched roof . Papa walked along almost in a daze . By the time we left the zoo , his exhaustion was dripping down his face like perspiration . Poor guy . He dislikes crowds as much as I dislike chocolate cake . We followed Tommy and his sister Shazelle … er … Jennifer … . home for supper . His poor mom has been begging to come with him to visit us for weeks . She 's quite certain he 's keeping her away on purpose . I can 't imagine why Tommy would do that ? ( end sarcasm ) His family is certainly unique with a capital " Q " ( which translates to slightly odd ) , but splendidly hospitable and splendid cooks . " Tommy said toPosted by My training with Choices has been accelerated , to put it simply . Folks ask about my involvement and I almost feel embarrassed in my attempt to explain what I do and why and how . Almost a year ago I joined Christy and Daniel , a Crisis counselor and a local youth pastor , as part of a team to teach abstinence in the public schools . It was Papa 's suggestion ; I had to warm up to the idea . By summer I 'd applied as a volunteer at the clinic and been scheduled to come in on Tuesday for training . My training consisted of a quick introduction to the phone system , scheduling and reception procedures . In the previous sentence , we 'll define quick as five minutes . And that was that . Before I knew it I was not only handling reception work , but also designing promo literature , doing some fundraising and assisting the administration . Then a Bible study client dropped in my lap when Christy went on bed rest for her baby at Christmas time . It was about that time that the Lord started bringing more volunteers in and Sherry suddenly realized I 'd fallen through the cracks . I joined a group for initial and mentor training and then began training others for office work . Ordinarily , the ladies come in and shadow a mentor in the non - crisis counseling for several weeks and then launch out with Earn While You Learn on their own . I was familiar with the curriculum after making scores of copies , but I 'd still never managed to shadow a session when Becky turned to Sherry at a prayer meeting and said , " I was going to schedule Abigail for some Earn While You Learn clients . Is that okay ? " Sherry 's face was blank as she replied , " We 'll talk about that later . " By this time I was also handling finances , after a quick training session with our secretary , Maggie , who started the clinic with Sherry seventeen years ago and is about to move to Idaho . In the previous sentence , quick is defined as half an hour . The rest of the afternoon I worried , fretted and racked my mind to figure out what I was lacking , why Sherry wouldn 't be comfPosted by I was half - way through my tooth brushing late last night when I suddenly realized the toothbrush protruding from my mouth was purple instead of silver . Don 't tell Lydia . Impulsive shopping is a wonderful fault when coupled with generosity - at least in the case of our neighbors . I arrived , ready to clean , to find a note with my pay directing me to take home an enormous cedar jewelry box , a bag of apples and a huge bowel of fresh berries . Mary also keeps me in facial wash and lotion , has supplied me with tennis shoes , hair items , jewelry and purses and given me more lip gloss than I 'll ever manage to use . I hardly own any jewelry since I wear basically none , but the apples and the berries were a welcome surprise . Fernando Ortega prophesied truly : " This time next year there 'll be a red - headed grandson sitting on your knee . " That 's what we 've all been secretly believing and the grandson part , at least , is true . Lauren and Nathaniel called today after their ultrasound with the news that Peanut Scott truly is a boy ! So they 're back to the drawing board on names , but certainly delighted . I maintain he will have red hair . I just finished Ezra and Nehemiah . The spiritual correlations are really neat to see - - Revival . For the Jews , it was restoration of outward religion ( and renovation of their hearts , as well ) , but the pictures play over . They read the entire law to the people in one day ! Revival starts with listening and loving the Word of God . Then they began reinstating sacrifices - - for us we know God desires broken and contrite hearts . They confessed and put away their sin . Next they renovated the temple . God wants us to offer ourselves living sacrifices , keeping our bodies pure and undefiled . They rebuilt the wall - - setting up boundaries and protection to keep out unholiness and enemies . And the enemies ridiculed and attacked , especially as they saw the walls going up and the place being rebuilt ! But by preparation and faith the Jews fought them off and continued in triumph ! And I love what Nehemiah and EPosted by I saw one of the most romantic things I think I 've ever seen last night . Josiah and I went with Grandma Sandy to a stroke recovery meeting - - for Uncle Ed . As we settled into the huge hospital lobby chairs and watched folks arrive , in came a young couple . The husband had a few grew hairs , but the wife looked younger than forty - - strapped into a wheelchair , struggling to hold her head up . As the meeting progressed , she shared her story , speaking with difficulty . She 'd had her stroke at the age of thirty - two , six years ago , and she was excited to finally be able to control her own wheelchair button - - with difficulty . She was dressed carefully , neatly and stylishly . Her hair was done to perfection , her make - up carefully applied , her jewelry tidy and trendy . Several times during the meeting , her husband gently removed her glasses and applied eye - drops to her eyes , unobtrusively . He was a quiet man , saying very little , yet his wife 's appearance spoke volumes . Six years ago she suffered a massive stroke , leaving her completely incapacitated to take care of herself , much less her little son . It might have seemed like a good time to put her in an assisted living and move on with his life , but this husband has stuck by her , faithfully for six years . Not just helped her get by , but been careful to help her feel beautiful , valued and womanly . That 's a pretty devoted husband . To me , this " for better or for worse " love is the most romantic thing I can imagine . Why ? Because it 's for real . Gushy romance and emotion ? Kids can play at that , but it takes real men and women to love for six years of helplessness . My mind turns to Jesus , by whom we know what love is : He laid down His life for us . He didn 't come to be served , but to serve . While we were still helpless , Christ died for us . Friends insist I 'm not romantic because I turn away when the movie heroes kiss or I 'm embarrassed when twitterpated couples goo - goo at each other and I roll my eyes at Valentine 's Day . But tell me again the tale of the lost sinner , purchased by the King oPosted by I can 't seem to catch up and I hate to move on , leaving behind all the unimportant little things that happen . I 'm silly , but dates just stick out in my mind and today makes exactly a year and a half in Arkansas . I realized I 'm beginning to conform to the culture . Sunday night , Grandma Sandy offered me a Coke and I asked her " What kind ? " She looked at me blankly before answering , " Well … Cherry . " Just a few things of possible interest before I move on : Freckles got herself caught in a trap . We rescued her , certain she 'd be feeling pretty mellow for the next few days . No such happening . Apparently it was a pretty pathetic trap . Jacindarella boarded a plane and moved to Peru , with a long - term goal of winding up in Bolivia . Dathan moved back to Arkansas , one semester short of graduating with his master 's degree , under rather interesting circumstances - involving false accusations and an unjust campus judiciary system . That didn 't stop him from filming several new Homely Hobo videos . We spent the month of January milking the neighbor 's cow while Olga was in Russia trying to straighten out citizenship issues . Josh Potts was right : milk comes from Wal - mart . The stuff I squeezed from the lumpy udder of Maxine was pure and undiluted labor : unfiltered , unpasturized , unhomoginized . It 's been sometime since my milking days . President Obama was sworn into office and lied through his teeth when he swore to uphold and defend the constitution . Every action since has been in total opposition of his oath . Hillary Clinton was appointed Secretary of State and Kansas ' own witch of a governor , Kathleen Sibelius has been appointed to his cabinet . I shudder , I quake , I groan . One thing it certainly accomplishes is turning my mind away from politics and back to the nitty gritty of seeking hearts for Christ . Mom and Papa celebrated their 31st wedding anniversary . In honor of the special occasion , dinner and entertainment were provided by Wynkyn , Blinkyn and Nod aka Stop , Drop and Roll aka Larry , Curly and Mo aka Sin , CPosted by I had thought I 'd be lonely , but I turned out to enjoy spending the day alone . The house was so warm and cozy in spite of the pouring rain that I wound up in shorts all day , working out , writing , reading , Bible studying and playing the piano . Yesterday 's musings now have a melody - I like it , I think . At least I like it today . Would I had recording equipment . Freckles was rather delighted to see me in the morning and we took a romp together . I will never cease to be amazed how quickly she can cover the ground . With me running full throttle , she loped at my heals , periodically springing up to nip my backside . No doubt she thought the surprised gurgles I made meant I enjoyed her performance . By pinching her mouth shut I soon set her straight and we played with less awkwardness thereafter . If Michael Card and I were exchanging brainwaves , we couldn 't have been thinking more alike . As I listened to his newest CD , " The Hidden Face of God " ( a Christmas gift from Nathaniel and Lauren ) I was blown away by the similarity of his thoughts and words to my own from last night . His music weeps with the simplicity and intricacy of agonizing truth . How real is the pain of the world . How real the deceiver who delights in our suffering . How real God 's infinite love for a world at enmity with Him - though He can 't bear to even look upon our sin . How real the grief and wounds born by Jesus , our Healer . How real the redemption through His blood . How real the hope to which I now cling - fully assured that through every heart - ache , every sorrow , pain or grief , the Lord is working for good , for beauty , for His glory . Lord , aid my sin - dimmed eyes to seeThy plan throughout eternityThe workings of Thy majesty , ' Tis Thou defines reality . When truth and my perception partRenew my mind and cleanse my heartTo put my hope and trust in TheeIn theory and reality . Early this morning , through the haze and fog , the rest of the family loaded up in the car for the trek to Kansas City . I do feel ever so slightly left behind . How must Papa feel ? He came looking for me several times during the day , no doubt lonely . I spent the day sorting through , throwing out and cleaning the whole house . It hardly needed cleaned and I 'd just been through everything in my room . I 'm thankful for the plenty that I have , but I just have too much ! Being with Grandma , I 've felt guilty constantly turning her down for gifts . " Do you like it ? " she asked , displaying her pink and silver china . It was very nice china . Not really my style , even for china , but still very nice . I knew what she was really asking and hastened to assure her I liked it , but didn 't want any china . I just don 't . Ever . Why in the world would I want a fancy set of dishes that I might use a couple of times a year , but when I do have to treat like … well , china . Not to mention all the space they take up for having little real purpose . No , Grandma darling , I 'm just not a china person . I 'll pencil myself in for a nice set of stoneware or something and a pile of plastic for kids and fun times and that will do it for me , thank you . Papa beats me out on practicality , though , with his affinity for white Corelle . Color me something a mite more cheery , please . Useful , yes . Colorless ? I hope not . Poor Grandma . I think she must have offered me half a million different objects , all of which I attempted to turn down graciously . She must think I 'm the most persnickety person ever . I know friends have often lamented their inability to find me something appropriate . The mainstays of womanhood - jewelry , lotion , perfume , knick - knacks , purses , candles , decorative dishes , even flowers and candy - all of it is wasted upon me , I fear . Ah , but kind well - wisher , simply find me a good book or a box of fine tea and I will love you forever . Or a nephew or niece . That 's always a winning choice of gifts . Our Christmas package arrived from NaPosted by
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I am a reformed morbidly obese individual . On my journey to a healthier me , I had gastric bypass surgery in May of 2004 . I made a vow to myself as I sat in the hospital miserable that I would not be one of those stories of people that lose via surgery , learn nothing , and gain it all back . Hello all ! Playing a little catch up on relaxation . I ended up working yesterday , so this is really my one day off this week . I have for you Friday 's photo ! Must have been a JCrew kind of day ! I am wearing a Cardigan and tshirt that both came from JCrew early last year . You can see the energy level on Friday was l - o - w . I had not the energy to put eye liner on in the morning , nor did I have energy to strike a pose ! Ben took this across the table during lunch . I was even too lazy to prepare lunch , so we went out . I knew what I would have - a delicious veggie wrap , so it was a safe choice despite being not made at home . Hmmm . . . my hair was quite jacked up too I see . Good thing I spent most of the day at my desk ! Today I am reading food blogs , and headed to the grocery store shortly . Erin introduced me to an amazing food website that I like even better than foodbuzz . Check it out here . I like the layout better . This website is a little like going grocery shopping . Don 't go there on an empty stomach ! No one is guaranteeing that everything on there is healthy , but it all looks delicious . Speaking of empty stomach , I think I need a snack before heading out ! Thanks for checking in ! xoKel Hello all ! Just a quick drive by ! I wanted to " drop off " my picture from Thursday . We wanted to take advantage of some of the sunlight in the sky ways . ( Sky ways are the " system " in Minneapolis to get you from one building to another without ever having to go outside . ) You have seen this dress before , here it is ! I changed up the ensemble by adding a camisole , tights and different shoes . The hoop earrings are a different pair too ! I am curled up under a blanket in my favorite spot on the couch . I am going to enjoy this relaxation time immensely ! No vote tonight . Ben would never forgive me if I got rid of this dress ! Thanks for checking in ! xoKel I can 't blog every night . I just can 't do it right now . I have told you about work . I started at 8 , left at 6 , and realized today I need to work this weekend to catch up . Needless to say , it is a challenge for me to write here every night . I promise I am not breaking any rules . I have not repeated any outfits . For now , this has to be what I want to do , not what I have to do . That would take the fun out of it for both of us , wouldn 't it ? So , please love me despite only posting every couple of days , okay ? Let 's play catch up , shall we ? The photos on top are yesterday , and the Art Director took them after Happy Hour with friends . Wow was that a smooth glass of wine ! I have worn that long sleeve shirt before ; it was the day I had the Maude schmatta on . It was an easy " grab " yesterday as it was sitting on top of the folded clothes pile ! The skirt has not been worn before . This is a black wool pencil skirt that I got from Banana Republic over 3 years ago . I cannot tell you that last time I wore it . Here is a confession . It was sitting in the dry cleaning pile - for ages ! I used my dryel kit and voila - good as new ! Well , pseudo clean I guess ! I wore it with black tights and my shoes my sweet Ben got me in December . A strand of red beads and I was ready for a long day at work and then happy hour ! It was goooood . Today you can start to see the toll of the week I am afraid ! I 've told you that Ben cuts off my face in the close up shots when my expression is , ah , not something I would approve . . . you see the necklace shot today ? Yep . I love my art director . The sweater is almost 4 years old . I remember buying it at the Banana Republic outlet right before I started working at Target . You can never have too many red tops when you work for Target ! The pants I have shared with you a couple of times already . One of these days I will have to share the whole suit with you ! My necklace is a piece that I commissioned from my friend Sue . It is a glass pendant . I had the silver collar , and I requested a large pendant with red , black and white . Posted by Ben sent me my Friday picture and today 's picture in one email . . . I was shocked at how different I can look just 3 days later ! Ben called in the many colors of Kel . He says I have a lot of them ! Casual Friday led to date night Friday . We went out for a fabulous sushi dinner . Friday 's top was a Marshall 's purchase 2 summers ago . My office has been so warm of late , that I took this chance and I did fine . I was quite comfortable ! And despite the fact that Friday was only 3 days ago , I cannot remember for the life of me which jeans they were . I could lie ; I could say Joe Jeans . But , alas , I cannot lie to you all ! From looking at my picture on Friday you can see the work week took it 's toll on me ! I entered today far more refreshed ! I got up at 5am for an early workout . I am trying to fit it in before work , because waiting until after work . . . well , that is not working ! I have been so impressed by my friends on NM getting up early to work out ! I was inspired . Last night I set the alarm , and dragged myself out of bed ! I got this dress 3 years ago . It was on a sale rack at Macy 's . Again , the designer completely escapes me ! If I weren 't so beat I would head upstairs and check ! I paired it with a 100 inch silver chain worn long and loose ! A rather neutral dress called for spicy hose and shoes . What do ya think ? Please vote , but be gentle . I am exhausted ! Thanks for checking in ! xoKel I have the NM column that I still need to write , so this is a drive by blog tonight ! : ) I have not worn this before . Joe at work accused me of that . As similar as it looks to this outfit , it is not the same ! Different sweater , different skirt , and tights ! I think the last time you saw this sweater , it was from my Las Vegas pictures . The skirt ? I know I have worn it before , and a proper blogger would find it for you , but I am a time constrained blogger ! It was a sale purchase at Banana Republic . The scene today was Caribou coffee . It is a good halfway point for Ben and I to meet for lunch . I was cruising the cards that they have and Ben snapped some shots . ( Yes , we totally set up these shots . These were not candids . ) I can 't lie to you guys ! Off to TGIF with Kel ! Thanks for checking in ! xoKel Ben says you cannot vote on this skirt . He really loves this skirt . When I met him for lunch today he had the sweetest ( devilish ) expression on his face . When I asked him what that was about he said " You look really good . I love that skirt . " This is interesting , to me , at least . Had I been free to purchase new clothes for the last 5 months , I realize that this skirt would have been pushed further and further back in the closet . It might never have made an appearance . If that had happened , I never would have seen that sweet look today . Maybe this challenge has indeed been a good thing . That annoying hair is still there today . This is the second outing for this skirt ; you saw it first here . This may be the third wearing for the sweater . The first wearing you saw ? Here ! You have not seen this blouse before . I got this at Ann Taylor about 3 years ago . I love wearing it with these pearls . Lots of repeats today , huh ? Ben made me laugh a lot today . He is so good for my stress level ( as in improving it ) and so good to me ! On that note , I am going to head off to bed . I have a feeling the early bedtime and the early morning workout ( 4 : 45 a . m . ! ) contributed to my good mood today . I am going to try for it again tomorrow ! I did give blood today , so there is a chance that workout won 't happen . We 'll see ! Thanks for checking in ! xoKel I have a confession . I have not been sleeping very well . I think I am internalizing some stress . I thought about writing about that stress tonight and letting it all out . Instead , I will make an effort to get to bed early so I can get up early and work out in the morning . I have been working late which gets me home late which means if I want dinner and time to unwind I cannot fit in a workout too . Working out is key for me to de - stress . It is especially important when I cannot shop away or eat away the stress ! Of course , I had to have a 7 : 30 meeting scheduled for tomorrow morning , so it will be a 4 : 30 alarm . Ugh . I need to go lay out my clothes for my workout so that I don 't wake poor Ben ! So , with that , I give you this brief outfit description ! I got this blouse on eBay last year . It must be worn with a camisole or you will see more about Kel than I would like you to see ! I paired it with a pair of pants from Ann Taylor . It is part of a suit . I just chose not to cover up my cute blouse with a jacket today ! The pumps . . . you 've seen them . Nothing special here ! The hair is doing okay . Not sure what that piece was doing during today 's photo , but it kind of has a mind of it 's own lately ! I am getting a trim tomorrow . Just a trim ! That 's it ! Headed off to bed ! Thanks for checking in . Please vote below ! xoKel Time : 8pm Central TimeLocation : Couch CornerBeverage : White WineStatus : RelaxedOk , on to the clothes . I had to wear this sweater . Here is the deal . It was in the Goodwill bag . It still had the tags on it . I bought it from Target 3 years ago . When I was cutting the tags off I told Ben not to worry , I had not bought something new . Now I can indeed give it to Goodwill . I look like Maude in it . Enough said . If you just said Who 's Maude you are young . I hope you are enjoying your youth ! Google Maude Bea Arthur . You will see lots of images where she is wearing these long vests . Today 's entire ensemble , except for the shoes , was Target . The corduroys are also 3 years old , and were rescued from the Goodwill bag . They did not fit . Now they do . I will let you decide if they go back in the bag or not . The top underneath is just a simple long sleeve tshirt . I needed to stay warm . I don 't love this outfit . That is good . I won 't want to wear it again in the next 7 months . That 's right . 7 more months to go . Actually , on January 12th it was seven months to go . Can I make it ? Time will tell . I knew I would need to have some outfits like today 's to be able to make it . Something not so special . Nothing empowering . Just clothes . I don 't like wearing just clothes ! Thanks for checking in ! Tomorrow I hope to be on and share what my cooking plans are for the weekend . I like planning out my day with you . It gets me organized and ready to go ! xoKelp . s . Please vote below . But the sweater is schmatta . It 's gone ! p . p . s . Those are not white socks on my feet . That is my skin . I didn 't want a panic ! Tomorrow is finally Friday . Ahhhh . . . Hello Blogworld ! Just a quick hello ! We have a repeat dress today ! Completely different than the last time , of course . You remember this one , don 't you ? This is the one you and Ben think is black . I still think it is a shade other than black . Maybe you can use the tights as comparison . They are black ! Okay , darned close . . . you may be right . Ben and I did not have lunch together today , so we took 15 minutes late this afternoon to meet so I could grab a cup of decaf ( yes , I am trying to cut back ) and so we could snap these pictures . I think I am smiling because I was not sitting at my desk . My butt is getting numb I think ! I am looking forward to getting in a couple of good workouts this weekend . You know how it goes ; too tired from work to workout when actually the best thing to help you would be a good workout ? Yeah , I am there . But this weekend will be a good chance to get out there both days for some distance runs . I have a 10 mile race in 2 months . Yikes ! Okay , that 's it for tonight . I guess I will assume that since you liked the dress the last time that you still like it ? If you don 't , you are just going to have to leave a comment ! Thanks for checking in ! xoKelp . s . I like my hair today ! Yippee ! ! Good evening Blogworld ! Welcome to Tuesday evening . Is it really only Tuesday ? I think I have mentioned this here before , but when we were kids my dad used to tell us not to wish our lives away . You know what he means . Oh , I wish it was May and it was spring and getting warm . . . or , Oh I wish it was July and the weather was beautiful and I could ride my bike after work . . . I am not wishing for anything big , or jumping ahead months at a time . I just want it to be Friday ! I feel like I wake up every day hoping it is Friday . Even when Saturday arrives I am already lamenting . At least on Fridays there is the excitement and anticipation of the weekend . You all know - I don 't have an amazing social life where we meet friends every weekend . We rarely make it to a movie . I just love the peace and quiet of home . I often putter around the house without any music or the television . I busily work in my kitchen chopping , mixing , baking . . . without any sounds to interupt my tasks . At work , there is constant noise ; if it is not someone in the next cube talking on the phone , then they are chit chatting over the cube walls . To drown it out , I turn on my iPod . Even that annoys me to a certain extent . I really like working in silence . Am I the only one ? Where the heck did all of that rambling come from ? Damn . It is still Tuesday . So , the outfit ! You have seen this skirt before here . It is indeed a different outfit ! Darned close though . Phew ! I paired this with a sweater set I got a Target 2 years ago . This is a cashmere sleeveless sweater with a matching cardigan . I have the same one in grey that I have worn for you all before . Here it is . I warned you that I have a winter " uniform " . This is pretty much it today ! Ben and I had another impromptu date . It was a great way to end a Tuesday . Of course , any date with Ben is a great way for me to end a day ! Thanks for checking in ! Please vote below ! xoKel Black and Blue but not bruised all over ! I am not typically a fan of black and blue together , but it worked for me today . Despite our balmy temps here today ( 21 - woo hoo ! ) I needed tights ! This dress was rescued from the Goodwill bag . It got placed there when I had gained enough weight to make me hate this dress . I was happy today when I retrieved it and I liked how it looked ! I got this dress at Anthropologie about 3 years ago ? That is a guess ! I like the bright blueness of it , and it has a fun shape to it . It is short enough to feel sassy yet long enough to not feel like my butt is hanging out the back ! I was planning on boots but decided on simple pumps when I got downstairs . My art director helped me make the final decision . I accessorized with some pins I got from QVC a few years ago . It is like a mommy pin and a baby pin ! Ben and I had lunch today at Caribou Coffee . It was a good halfway point for both of us . Today we had vegetarian chili and chips . Good stuff ! Check out the vegetarian chili recipe in this month 's Cooking Light . Caribou 's fireplace provided the backdrop for today 's pictures . It looks so warm and cozy . Ben was trying to be stealthy taking my pictures ; I get so self - conscious thinking people are looking at us ! Off to watch CSI : Miami . For a police show , it makes me laugh ! Thanks for checking in ! Please vote below ! xoKel Thank Goodness yesterday was Friday bringing me to today - Saturday ! Yesterday was a particularly stressful day at work , so I was quite happy when the day ended . At about 2pm I sent Ben a text asking if maybe we should go have pizza , salad and wine for dinner . He liked that offer ! We did have lunch together ( missed photo opportunity ) and then had the dinner date ( missed photo opportunity ) and finally got home around 8 and I thought , ugh , I need a photo ! The downstairs is a disaster , so we headed upstairs . My favorite Joe Jeans are not looking like my favorite in this picture . I won 't say they MMLF ( make me look fat for those of you new to the acronym ) but there is something wrong about how they look . . . you decide , but I am keeping the jeans . Harumph ! I am sassy this morning , so watch out . Sassy is another way of saying that every hormone in my body is screaming for attention and I can go from happy to sad to cranky in a matter of seconds . Sigh . Check out my new tshirt ! My BFF Erika went to England to see her new " uzband " ( that is my French pronounciation ) and brought me back this adorable tshirt ! I laughed when I saw the tag - it is part of the new Miley Cyrus collection . Like that kid needs more money ! The tshirt is probably the softest tshirt I have ever felt . I guess it is worth that kid making another buck . The cardigan is from Target 3 years ago . A girl needs her red sweater when you work at Target ! Our date night was lovely . A couple pieces of veggie pizza , a large glass of malbec and a salad shared by two . . . plus the best company a girl could ask for ! This has been a lazy morning thus far . I slept in , finally got up and made oats for breakfast , and then sat down and have been cruising food blogs for recipes to try this weekend . Meanwhile , Ben is cleaning like a maniac . He cleaned the kitchen and when I commented he said " I am just getting the palette ready for more paint . " He is so good at cleaning up after me , and getting the kitchen ready for cooking weekends . Left up to me , I would have to find places to put groPosted by I read a lot of blogs . I am fairly certain I have never seen that as a post title . I strive for uniqueness , you know . It is driving me nuts ! The hair , that is . 2 more weeks until a trim . Sigh . I have a TGIF with Kel post to write so I need to make this quick . By the way , if you don 't use NM , I made it so you can now go read TGIF without joining the site . Go take a peek at this week 's column , won 't you ? Today 's ensemble came together by accident . I had intended to wear the black turtleneck ( from the Gap ) and the pants ( from Banana Republic ) but planned on wearing a long cardigan sweater . I reached for it , but grabbed this coat instead . It was fate . This coat is from Target and I think it is 2 years old . . . or is it 3 ? Sue , you have the same one . How old is it ? I have not worn this coat in a while ! It has been so cold here this layer worked out perfectly . This coat is warm enough to wear as a jacket in the late fall , yet is still lightweight enough to wear as a blazer in the winter . It is a brown / white / black tweed . It looks great with jeans . Damn . I should have saved it for tomorrow ! I still hate my hair . How ironic that my column this week talks about being nice to yourself ! Thanks for checking in , if even for a brief moment . Please vote below ! xoKel When your blog is dependent on you having your picture taken every day and then you and the art director for said blog don 't get to have lunch together and your schedules don 't allow your picture to be taken for the blog . . . taking in a deep breath to continue . . . then you feel really really bad and have to simply come on and say friends I am sorry we don 't have a picture ! Forgive me ? I can link you to some of what I did wear today though . Hopefully you will accept these substitutes along with my apologies ! I wore the skirt and the boots from this post . Phew - that was close . . . I almost wore that same cardigan today ! I ended up with an off white corduroy blazer than I got 2 years ago from H & M . Do you have an H & M near you ? I have a couple of them I can choose from . Their sizing is iffy ; sometimes I blame their sizing in being European instead of admitting that they really are more geared towards juniors . But that is just my opinion ! I also wore a brown turtleneck , and added a long silver chain . Since there is very little more for me to talk about - work is work , it is still darn cold , and I am in for the rest of the night . . . . I am going to give you a link to someone else 's blog . Why on earth would I do this ? She is a new follower to Kel 's closet , and when I looked at her profile , and read this post , I said YES ! She and I happen to share the same opinion on Uggs . Thank you Jocelyn Garrity for writing this . You saved me the time ! Click here to read her post ! Thank you for your honest votes on yesterday 's dress . It will be better in the spring - I promise ! Thanks for checking in ! xoKel I found this construction sign particularly entertaining today ! Pardon our dust as we upgrade to serve you ! I feel like a construction zone sometimes ! What do they do with a construction zone ? They tear up an escalator , clean it out , make it look as good as new . I feel like I need to look as good as new . One thing - my hair . As predicted , you would be hearing about it . The growing out stage is driving me bonkers . I am considering a color or two added next time I go . I need something to feel as good as new . Today 's dress ? Let me tell you , I love this dress , but I do not like it in this picture ! When I see a picture that is unflattering , to me , I just cringe ! Is that how I looked all day ? Were people looking at me the way they did because of looking badly ? Ugh . I had a feeling when I wore this dress with the tights there would be a clinging issue . I had no idea it would look like this . This dress is about 2 years old . It is from Banana Republic . Like I said , I love this dress . Hopefully you will be forgiving , and allow me to keep it until spring . If it looks bad then , out it will go ! The shoes ? You know I love these , and these are not open for voting ! These were the ones my sweet Ben gave me before Christmas . I love that guy ! Not just because he buys shoes , of course ! Okay , I take back what I said . Vote on the dress with your heart . If it needs to go , I can take it . I value your honest feedback . I don 't have to always agree with it ! I always hope my friends will understand my rather honest feedback at times , and I can 't have a double standard when it comes to myself ! Are you all surviving the winter ? That is another reason to need a remodel . It s bitterly cold here . The thermometer in the car today said - 8 on the way to work . I commented to Ben that once it hits 32 degrees , don 't bother to report it any more . Cold is cold . I am going to still bundle up just as much whether it is 32 degrees or - 8 . It is just plain cold . How nice would San Diego be right now ? Thanks for checking in all ! Please vote below . Leave a comment too . Posted by Well . almost . The photographer forgot his camera today . iPhone to the rescue ! Sorry the camera doesn 't capture the normal high quality photos you have come to expect ! Where to being after a 2 week blog break ? With the clothes of course ! The black and white jacket was one of my Christmas gifts from Ben . You have seen it before ! It is in the video from this post . The dress underneath is from this post . My fabulous Betsey Johnson 's are from this post . I think we are getting to the point where you are going to see some repeats more frequently . How do I keep our conversations lively when you already know all of the stories ? I guess I just need to change the subject ! Guess what ? Nope . Guess again . No , not that . Better . Yup , I am going to write a book . Not even about clothes ! For those of you that are not here from the Nutrimirror community , here is the announcement that was made last week ! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ New NM Authors - - - Lynn and Kel in 2010Earlier this week I announced our first book , " Balanced Days , Balanced Lives " , will be released in March , 2010 . Today it is my pleasure to announce that two NM members have agreed to author books for us in 2010 . If everything goes to schedule their books will be released in early 2011 . Lynn Matava ( Serving Up a Smile columnist ) will write about " loving the foods that love you back " . I 'm sure we can expect to learn something about ancient grains ; maybe , even , we 'll get a recipe for the " chia bon - bons " she 'll be expecting as a guest in the green room of Kel 's hot TV show " Please , Just Kel Me " . This brings me to our second author , Kel Beaudoin ( TGIF with Kel columnist ) . With her flair for humor and sound advice Kel will be writing about overcoming poor lifestyle choices to successfully manage lives in balance . As their publisher , I am excited for them and their opportunity . And , I am hopeful their books will be important and help to advance the NM mission - - - improving the health of a nation , one body at a time . I 'm sure ( morPosted by
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I am a reformed morbidly obese individual . On my journey to a healthier me , I had gastric bypass surgery in May of 2004 . I made a vow to myself as I sat in the hospital miserable that I would not be one of those stories of people that lose via surgery , learn nothing , and gain it all back . Hello all ! Playing a little catch up on relaxation . I ended up working yesterday , so this is really my one day off this week . I have for you Friday 's photo ! Must have been a JCrew kind of day ! I am wearing a Cardigan and tshirt that both came from JCrew early last year . You can see the energy level on Friday was l - o - w . I had not the energy to put eye liner on in the morning , nor did I have energy to strike a pose ! Ben took this across the table during lunch . I was even too lazy to prepare lunch , so we went out . I knew what I would have - a delicious veggie wrap , so it was a safe choice despite being not made at home . Hmmm . . . my hair was quite jacked up too I see . Good thing I spent most of the day at my desk ! Today I am reading food blogs , and headed to the grocery store shortly . Erin introduced me to an amazing food website that I like even better than foodbuzz . Check it out here . I like the layout better . This website is a little like going grocery shopping . Don 't go there on an empty stomach ! No one is guaranteeing that everything on there is healthy , but it all looks delicious . Speaking of empty stomach , I think I need a snack before heading out ! Thanks for checking in ! xoKel Hello all ! Just a quick drive by ! I wanted to " drop off " my picture from Thursday . We wanted to take advantage of some of the sunlight in the sky ways . ( Sky ways are the " system " in Minneapolis to get you from one building to another without ever having to go outside . ) You have seen this dress before , here it is ! I changed up the ensemble by adding a camisole , tights and different shoes . The hoop earrings are a different pair too ! I am curled up under a blanket in my favorite spot on the couch . I am going to enjoy this relaxation time immensely ! No vote tonight . Ben would never forgive me if I got rid of this dress ! Thanks for checking in ! xoKel I can 't blog every night . I just can 't do it right now . I have told you about work . I started at 8 , left at 6 , and realized today I need to work this weekend to catch up . Needless to say , it is a challenge for me to write here every night . I promise I am not breaking any rules . I have not repeated any outfits . For now , this has to be what I want to do , not what I have to do . That would take the fun out of it for both of us , wouldn 't it ? So , please love me despite only posting every couple of days , okay ? Let 's play catch up , shall we ? The photos on top are yesterday , and the Art Director took them after Happy Hour with friends . Wow was that a smooth glass of wine ! I have worn that long sleeve shirt before ; it was the day I had the Maude schmatta on . It was an easy " grab " yesterday as it was sitting on top of the folded clothes pile ! The skirt has not been worn before . This is a black wool pencil skirt that I got from Banana Republic over 3 years ago . I cannot tell you that last time I wore it . Here is a confession . It was sitting in the dry cleaning pile - for ages ! I used my dryel kit and voila - good as new ! Well , pseudo clean I guess ! I wore it with black tights and my shoes my sweet Ben got me in December . A strand of red beads and I was ready for a long day at work and then happy hour ! It was goooood . Today you can start to see the toll of the week I am afraid ! I 've told you that Ben cuts off my face in the close up shots when my expression is , ah , not something I would approve . . . you see the necklace shot today ? Yep . I love my art director . The sweater is almost 4 years old . I remember buying it at the Banana Republic outlet right before I started working at Target . You can never have too many red tops when you work for Target ! The pants I have shared with you a couple of times already . One of these days I will have to share the whole suit with you ! My necklace is a piece that I commissioned from my friend Sue . It is a glass pendant . I had the silver collar , and I requested a large pendant with red , black and white . Posted by Ben sent me my Friday picture and today 's picture in one email . . . I was shocked at how different I can look just 3 days later ! Ben called in the many colors of Kel . He says I have a lot of them ! Casual Friday led to date night Friday . We went out for a fabulous sushi dinner . Friday 's top was a Marshall 's purchase 2 summers ago . My office has been so warm of late , that I took this chance and I did fine . I was quite comfortable ! And despite the fact that Friday was only 3 days ago , I cannot remember for the life of me which jeans they were . I could lie ; I could say Joe Jeans . But , alas , I cannot lie to you all ! From looking at my picture on Friday you can see the work week took it 's toll on me ! I entered today far more refreshed ! I got up at 5am for an early workout . I am trying to fit it in before work , because waiting until after work . . . well , that is not working ! I have been so impressed by my friends on NM getting up early to work out ! I was inspired . Last night I set the alarm , and dragged myself out of bed ! I got this dress 3 years ago . It was on a sale rack at Macy 's . Again , the designer completely escapes me ! If I weren 't so beat I would head upstairs and check ! I paired it with a 100 inch silver chain worn long and loose ! A rather neutral dress called for spicy hose and shoes . What do ya think ? Please vote , but be gentle . I am exhausted ! Thanks for checking in ! xoKel I have the NM column that I still need to write , so this is a drive by blog tonight ! : ) I have not worn this before . Joe at work accused me of that . As similar as it looks to this outfit , it is not the same ! Different sweater , different skirt , and tights ! I think the last time you saw this sweater , it was from my Las Vegas pictures . The skirt ? I know I have worn it before , and a proper blogger would find it for you , but I am a time constrained blogger ! It was a sale purchase at Banana Republic . The scene today was Caribou coffee . It is a good halfway point for Ben and I to meet for lunch . I was cruising the cards that they have and Ben snapped some shots . ( Yes , we totally set up these shots . These were not candids . ) I can 't lie to you guys ! Off to TGIF with Kel ! Thanks for checking in ! xoKel Ben says you cannot vote on this skirt . He really loves this skirt . When I met him for lunch today he had the sweetest ( devilish ) expression on his face . When I asked him what that was about he said " You look really good . I love that skirt . " This is interesting , to me , at least . Had I been free to purchase new clothes for the last 5 months , I realize that this skirt would have been pushed further and further back in the closet . It might never have made an appearance . If that had happened , I never would have seen that sweet look today . Maybe this challenge has indeed been a good thing . That annoying hair is still there today . This is the second outing for this skirt ; you saw it first here . This may be the third wearing for the sweater . The first wearing you saw ? Here ! You have not seen this blouse before . I got this at Ann Taylor about 3 years ago . I love wearing it with these pearls . Lots of repeats today , huh ? Ben made me laugh a lot today . He is so good for my stress level ( as in improving it ) and so good to me ! On that note , I am going to head off to bed . I have a feeling the early bedtime and the early morning workout ( 4 : 45 a . m . ! ) contributed to my good mood today . I am going to try for it again tomorrow ! I did give blood today , so there is a chance that workout won 't happen . We 'll see ! Thanks for checking in ! xoKel I have a confession . I have not been sleeping very well . I think I am internalizing some stress . I thought about writing about that stress tonight and letting it all out . Instead , I will make an effort to get to bed early so I can get up early and work out in the morning . I have been working late which gets me home late which means if I want dinner and time to unwind I cannot fit in a workout too . Working out is key for me to de - stress . It is especially important when I cannot shop away or eat away the stress ! Of course , I had to have a 7 : 30 meeting scheduled for tomorrow morning , so it will be a 4 : 30 alarm . Ugh . I need to go lay out my clothes for my workout so that I don 't wake poor Ben ! So , with that , I give you this brief outfit description ! I got this blouse on eBay last year . It must be worn with a camisole or you will see more about Kel than I would like you to see ! I paired it with a pair of pants from Ann Taylor . It is part of a suit . I just chose not to cover up my cute blouse with a jacket today ! The pumps . . . you 've seen them . Nothing special here ! The hair is doing okay . Not sure what that piece was doing during today 's photo , but it kind of has a mind of it 's own lately ! I am getting a trim tomorrow . Just a trim ! That 's it ! Headed off to bed ! Thanks for checking in . Please vote below ! xoKel Time : 8pm Central TimeLocation : Couch CornerBeverage : White WineStatus : RelaxedOk , on to the clothes . I had to wear this sweater . Here is the deal . It was in the Goodwill bag . It still had the tags on it . I bought it from Target 3 years ago . When I was cutting the tags off I told Ben not to worry , I had not bought something new . Now I can indeed give it to Goodwill . I look like Maude in it . Enough said . If you just said Who 's Maude you are young . I hope you are enjoying your youth ! Google Maude Bea Arthur . You will see lots of images where she is wearing these long vests . Today 's entire ensemble , except for the shoes , was Target . The corduroys are also 3 years old , and were rescued from the Goodwill bag . They did not fit . Now they do . I will let you decide if they go back in the bag or not . The top underneath is just a simple long sleeve tshirt . I needed to stay warm . I don 't love this outfit . That is good . I won 't want to wear it again in the next 7 months . That 's right . 7 more months to go . Actually , on January 12th it was seven months to go . Can I make it ? Time will tell . I knew I would need to have some outfits like today 's to be able to make it . Something not so special . Nothing empowering . Just clothes . I don 't like wearing just clothes ! Thanks for checking in ! Tomorrow I hope to be on and share what my cooking plans are for the weekend . I like planning out my day with you . It gets me organized and ready to go ! xoKelp . s . Please vote below . But the sweater is schmatta . It 's gone ! p . p . s . Those are not white socks on my feet . That is my skin . I didn 't want a panic ! Tomorrow is finally Friday . Ahhhh . . . Hello Blogworld ! Just a quick hello ! We have a repeat dress today ! Completely different than the last time , of course . You remember this one , don 't you ? This is the one you and Ben think is black . I still think it is a shade other than black . Maybe you can use the tights as comparison . They are black ! Okay , darned close . . . you may be right . Ben and I did not have lunch together today , so we took 15 minutes late this afternoon to meet so I could grab a cup of decaf ( yes , I am trying to cut back ) and so we could snap these pictures . I think I am smiling because I was not sitting at my desk . My butt is getting numb I think ! I am looking forward to getting in a couple of good workouts this weekend . You know how it goes ; too tired from work to workout when actually the best thing to help you would be a good workout ? Yeah , I am there . But this weekend will be a good chance to get out there both days for some distance runs . I have a 10 mile race in 2 months . Yikes ! Okay , that 's it for tonight . I guess I will assume that since you liked the dress the last time that you still like it ? If you don 't , you are just going to have to leave a comment ! Thanks for checking in ! xoKelp . s . I like my hair today ! Yippee ! ! Good evening Blogworld ! Welcome to Tuesday evening . Is it really only Tuesday ? I think I have mentioned this here before , but when we were kids my dad used to tell us not to wish our lives away . You know what he means . Oh , I wish it was May and it was spring and getting warm . . . or , Oh I wish it was July and the weather was beautiful and I could ride my bike after work . . . I am not wishing for anything big , or jumping ahead months at a time . I just want it to be Friday ! I feel like I wake up every day hoping it is Friday . Even when Saturday arrives I am already lamenting . At least on Fridays there is the excitement and anticipation of the weekend . You all know - I don 't have an amazing social life where we meet friends every weekend . We rarely make it to a movie . I just love the peace and quiet of home . I often putter around the house without any music or the television . I busily work in my kitchen chopping , mixing , baking . . . without any sounds to interupt my tasks . At work , there is constant noise ; if it is not someone in the next cube talking on the phone , then they are chit chatting over the cube walls . To drown it out , I turn on my iPod . Even that annoys me to a certain extent . I really like working in silence . Am I the only one ? Where the heck did all of that rambling come from ? Damn . It is still Tuesday . So , the outfit ! You have seen this skirt before here . It is indeed a different outfit ! Darned close though . Phew ! I paired this with a sweater set I got a Target 2 years ago . This is a cashmere sleeveless sweater with a matching cardigan . I have the same one in grey that I have worn for you all before . Here it is . I warned you that I have a winter " uniform " . This is pretty much it today ! Ben and I had another impromptu date . It was a great way to end a Tuesday . Of course , any date with Ben is a great way for me to end a day ! Thanks for checking in ! Please vote below ! xoKel Black and Blue but not bruised all over ! I am not typically a fan of black and blue together , but it worked for me today . Despite our balmy temps here today ( 21 - woo hoo ! ) I needed tights ! This dress was rescued from the Goodwill bag . It got placed there when I had gained enough weight to make me hate this dress . I was happy today when I retrieved it and I liked how it looked ! I got this dress at Anthropologie about 3 years ago ? That is a guess ! I like the bright blueness of it , and it has a fun shape to it . It is short enough to feel sassy yet long enough to not feel like my butt is hanging out the back ! I was planning on boots but decided on simple pumps when I got downstairs . My art director helped me make the final decision . I accessorized with some pins I got from QVC a few years ago . It is like a mommy pin and a baby pin ! Ben and I had lunch today at Caribou Coffee . It was a good halfway point for both of us . Today we had vegetarian chili and chips . Good stuff ! Check out the vegetarian chili recipe in this month 's Cooking Light . Caribou 's fireplace provided the backdrop for today 's pictures . It looks so warm and cozy . Ben was trying to be stealthy taking my pictures ; I get so self - conscious thinking people are looking at us ! Off to watch CSI : Miami . For a police show , it makes me laugh ! Thanks for checking in ! Please vote below ! xoKel Thank Goodness yesterday was Friday bringing me to today - Saturday ! Yesterday was a particularly stressful day at work , so I was quite happy when the day ended . At about 2pm I sent Ben a text asking if maybe we should go have pizza , salad and wine for dinner . He liked that offer ! We did have lunch together ( missed photo opportunity ) and then had the dinner date ( missed photo opportunity ) and finally got home around 8 and I thought , ugh , I need a photo ! The downstairs is a disaster , so we headed upstairs . My favorite Joe Jeans are not looking like my favorite in this picture . I won 't say they MMLF ( make me look fat for those of you new to the acronym ) but there is something wrong about how they look . . . you decide , but I am keeping the jeans . Harumph ! I am sassy this morning , so watch out . Sassy is another way of saying that every hormone in my body is screaming for attention and I can go from happy to sad to cranky in a matter of seconds . Sigh . Check out my new tshirt ! My BFF Erika went to England to see her new " uzband " ( that is my French pronounciation ) and brought me back this adorable tshirt ! I laughed when I saw the tag - it is part of the new Miley Cyrus collection . Like that kid needs more money ! The tshirt is probably the softest tshirt I have ever felt . I guess it is worth that kid making another buck . The cardigan is from Target 3 years ago . A girl needs her red sweater when you work at Target ! Our date night was lovely . A couple pieces of veggie pizza , a large glass of malbec and a salad shared by two . . . plus the best company a girl could ask for ! This has been a lazy morning thus far . I slept in , finally got up and made oats for breakfast , and then sat down and have been cruising food blogs for recipes to try this weekend . Meanwhile , Ben is cleaning like a maniac . He cleaned the kitchen and when I commented he said " I am just getting the palette ready for more paint . " He is so good at cleaning up after me , and getting the kitchen ready for cooking weekends . Left up to me , I would have to find places to put groPosted by I read a lot of blogs . I am fairly certain I have never seen that as a post title . I strive for uniqueness , you know . It is driving me nuts ! The hair , that is . 2 more weeks until a trim . Sigh . I have a TGIF with Kel post to write so I need to make this quick . By the way , if you don 't use NM , I made it so you can now go read TGIF without joining the site . Go take a peek at this week 's column , won 't you ? Today 's ensemble came together by accident . I had intended to wear the black turtleneck ( from the Gap ) and the pants ( from Banana Republic ) but planned on wearing a long cardigan sweater . I reached for it , but grabbed this coat instead . It was fate . This coat is from Target and I think it is 2 years old . . . or is it 3 ? Sue , you have the same one . How old is it ? I have not worn this coat in a while ! It has been so cold here this layer worked out perfectly . This coat is warm enough to wear as a jacket in the late fall , yet is still lightweight enough to wear as a blazer in the winter . It is a brown / white / black tweed . It looks great with jeans . Damn . I should have saved it for tomorrow ! I still hate my hair . How ironic that my column this week talks about being nice to yourself ! Thanks for checking in , if even for a brief moment . Please vote below ! xoKel When your blog is dependent on you having your picture taken every day and then you and the art director for said blog don 't get to have lunch together and your schedules don 't allow your picture to be taken for the blog . . . taking in a deep breath to continue . . . then you feel really really bad and have to simply come on and say friends I am sorry we don 't have a picture ! Forgive me ? I can link you to some of what I did wear today though . Hopefully you will accept these substitutes along with my apologies ! I wore the skirt and the boots from this post . Phew - that was close . . . I almost wore that same cardigan today ! I ended up with an off white corduroy blazer than I got 2 years ago from H & M . Do you have an H & M near you ? I have a couple of them I can choose from . Their sizing is iffy ; sometimes I blame their sizing in being European instead of admitting that they really are more geared towards juniors . But that is just my opinion ! I also wore a brown turtleneck , and added a long silver chain . Since there is very little more for me to talk about - work is work , it is still darn cold , and I am in for the rest of the night . . . . I am going to give you a link to someone else 's blog . Why on earth would I do this ? She is a new follower to Kel 's closet , and when I looked at her profile , and read this post , I said YES ! She and I happen to share the same opinion on Uggs . Thank you Jocelyn Garrity for writing this . You saved me the time ! Click here to read her post ! Thank you for your honest votes on yesterday 's dress . It will be better in the spring - I promise ! Thanks for checking in ! xoKel I found this construction sign particularly entertaining today ! Pardon our dust as we upgrade to serve you ! I feel like a construction zone sometimes ! What do they do with a construction zone ? They tear up an escalator , clean it out , make it look as good as new . I feel like I need to look as good as new . One thing - my hair . As predicted , you would be hearing about it . The growing out stage is driving me bonkers . I am considering a color or two added next time I go . I need something to feel as good as new . Today 's dress ? Let me tell you , I love this dress , but I do not like it in this picture ! When I see a picture that is unflattering , to me , I just cringe ! Is that how I looked all day ? Were people looking at me the way they did because of looking badly ? Ugh . I had a feeling when I wore this dress with the tights there would be a clinging issue . I had no idea it would look like this . This dress is about 2 years old . It is from Banana Republic . Like I said , I love this dress . Hopefully you will be forgiving , and allow me to keep it until spring . If it looks bad then , out it will go ! The shoes ? You know I love these , and these are not open for voting ! These were the ones my sweet Ben gave me before Christmas . I love that guy ! Not just because he buys shoes , of course ! Okay , I take back what I said . Vote on the dress with your heart . If it needs to go , I can take it . I value your honest feedback . I don 't have to always agree with it ! I always hope my friends will understand my rather honest feedback at times , and I can 't have a double standard when it comes to myself ! Are you all surviving the winter ? That is another reason to need a remodel . It s bitterly cold here . The thermometer in the car today said - 8 on the way to work . I commented to Ben that once it hits 32 degrees , don 't bother to report it any more . Cold is cold . I am going to still bundle up just as much whether it is 32 degrees or - 8 . It is just plain cold . How nice would San Diego be right now ? Thanks for checking in all ! Please vote below . Leave a comment too . Posted by Well . almost . The photographer forgot his camera today . iPhone to the rescue ! Sorry the camera doesn 't capture the normal high quality photos you have come to expect ! Where to being after a 2 week blog break ? With the clothes of course ! The black and white jacket was one of my Christmas gifts from Ben . You have seen it before ! It is in the video from this post . The dress underneath is from this post . My fabulous Betsey Johnson 's are from this post . I think we are getting to the point where you are going to see some repeats more frequently . How do I keep our conversations lively when you already know all of the stories ? I guess I just need to change the subject ! Guess what ? Nope . Guess again . No , not that . Better . Yup , I am going to write a book . Not even about clothes ! For those of you that are not here from the Nutrimirror community , here is the announcement that was made last week ! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ New NM Authors - - - Lynn and Kel in 2010Earlier this week I announced our first book , " Balanced Days , Balanced Lives " , will be released in March , 2010 . Today it is my pleasure to announce that two NM members have agreed to author books for us in 2010 . If everything goes to schedule their books will be released in early 2011 . Lynn Matava ( Serving Up a Smile columnist ) will write about " loving the foods that love you back " . I 'm sure we can expect to learn something about ancient grains ; maybe , even , we 'll get a recipe for the " chia bon - bons " she 'll be expecting as a guest in the green room of Kel 's hot TV show " Please , Just Kel Me " . This brings me to our second author , Kel Beaudoin ( TGIF with Kel columnist ) . With her flair for humor and sound advice Kel will be writing about overcoming poor lifestyle choices to successfully manage lives in balance . As their publisher , I am excited for them and their opportunity . And , I am hopeful their books will be important and help to advance the NM mission - - - improving the health of a nation , one body at a time . I 'm sure ( morPosted by
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Dying of a Broken Heart by Lucian K . Truscott IV EIGHT We were standing in the lobby of the Fillmore East one Saturday night , my girlfriend Barbara and I , watching the leisurely parade of long hair and tie - dye and crushed velvet and fringe leather and patchouli oil that was the style in the Spring of 1968 . I wasn 't on weekend leave from West Point , so I was required to wear my Dress Gray uniform . They had bussed us down to New York earlier that day for the Armed Forces day parade down Fifth Avenue , and now freed of my parade duties , Barbara and I were at the Fillmore East to see the Charles Lloyd Quartet , second on the bill behind the Paul Butterfield Blues Band , with folkie Tom Rush bringing up the rear . This was nothing new for me . I 'd been to the Fillmore before , and to places like the Café au Go - Go , the Bitter End , the Village Gate and many other music venues . As a cadet , I was in the habit of skating out of whatever event in New York City we were compelled to attend and instead heading off downtown to listen to music . The city was alive with it in those years . I remember quickly exiting the NIT at the Garden one time - Bobby Knight was the basketball coach and my classmate Mike Krzyzewski was playing at the top of his game - and taking two subways downtown to the Five Spot to hear Thelonious Monk . As I exited the club around midnight to make my way back uptown to get on the bus back to West Point , I looked up St . Marks Place and saw Andy Warhol and his crew leaving another club . Edie Sedgwick twirled herself round and round in the middle of the street , her blonde hair and mini - skirt flying , while Andy assiduously sought to hail a cab . Barbara was unique , singularly so in my experience as a cadet , one of only two college girls I had managed to convince to go out with me during the previous two years , the war in Vietnam having come between the baby - killers at West Point and the largely anti - war female population of most college campuses . I met her one freezing Saturday night in February earlier that year . I was walking along Thayer Road when I saw this striking looking girl walking toward me like she was out for blood . As we approached one another she stopped in the middle of the sidewalk blocking my way and looked me in the eye and asked , are you going to ask me out , or what ? This got my full attention . For one thing , you didn 't see many attractive young women walking around unescorted at West Point , and for another , you encountered virtually none of them who stopped you and more or less asked you for a date . So I jumped . I said , sure , I 'll ask you out if you 'll go down to Highland Falls and get us a bottle of wine and meet me back here in front of Thayer Hall in 20 minutes . It 's a deal , she said , and off she went . On the other hand all I had to contend with was the typical tight schedule of a cadet . I was a Cow - West Pointese for Junior - and a squad leader to boot , and there were plebes awaiting my expert attention back in the barracks . I checked my watch . Little more than a couple of hours before Taps , which is why I put a deadline on the deal for our date . I stood there at the entrance of Grant Hall , where my grandfather 's portrait hung on a wall across from those of Pershing and Patton and Eisenhower . But make it she did , returning with an ice cold bottle of Mateus Rose , which we proceeded to inhale seated on an isolated stone wall overlooking the Hudson amidst massive quantities of kissing and hurried stories about who we were and where we came from and frantically exchanging names and addresses and so forth . Even on a freezing West Point night in February it was fast and it was hot I sprinted back to the barracks and just made it by Taps , a feat of split - second timing which , while typical of cadets trying to get in one more swig of Mateus and one more kiss , I don 't think I 've equaled to this day . Please let me know if you can think of anything more redolent of the 60 's than swilling Mateus Rose straight from the bottle and madly kissing a gorgeous girl on a stone wall at a university - yeah , West Point was and is an actual fully - accredited university . For me , when it came to the 60 's , that night with Barbara summed it up . You can believe it or not , but standing in the lobby of the Fillmore East with her on a Friday night in the Fall of 1968 was a come - down from that cold night in February kissing her on a stone wall overlooking the Hudson . I mean , how many velveteen bellbottoms , how many mock Indian concho belts , how many fringed leather jackets can you see , how much patchouli can you inhale and remain awed ? We were about to climb the stairs to our third - balcony general admission $ 1 . 75 seats when a guy with a full head of dark wavy hair in a wrinkled button - down shirt went past at a decidedly non - leisurely pace . He got a couple of steps beyond us and turned back . I 'm Lucian Truscott , and this is my girlfriend Barbara , and we 're paying customers and we 're here to see Charles Lloyd , I said back with as much muster as I could manage , which was fairly considerable . I 'd been a squad leader , remember ? Who the hell are you ? I asked this knowing full and well who he was . I 'd seen his photo in the Voice , I had read disdainful stories about him in Rolling Stone … oh , I knew who hewas … by sight , anyway . And something did . A huge guy with a large belly and long hair was guarding a door at the top of a set of stairs back there . He held the door open and stepped aside . Bill led us into his oddly shaped office , a triangular room that was wider at its entrance than at its end , where his desk was . We passed several other desks where I recall young women speaking rapidly into telephones , massaging egos , putting out fires , the kinds of things young women who were assistants to men like Bill Graham did in those days . Hey , Bill , how 's it going , said Stevie Wonder as one of his handlers took him by the elbow and moved him over against the wall . Barbara said thank you and promptly took Stevie 's seat . I could see her eyes flashing , taking in the action . Bill rummaged in a drawer and removed several little cards and signed the first one . This is a door pass , he said . He signed the second . This is a backstage pass . He hesitated before he signed the third and looked up sternly . This one 's a pass to the sound and light booth , but I don 't want to see you up there very often . It 's small , and they are very busy . Then he signed it and handed all three of them over . All the stories in Rolling Stone and the Voice said Bill Graham was gruff . He growled at people . Bill picked up the phone and waved a hand , dismissing us . Jerry , show these people to our best house seats , he growled gruffly . I 'd like to say that night was the beginning of a beautiful friendship , but I don 't think those were the kind of friendships Bill Graham had . He had regular ones , and so did I . This meant we treated each other 's space kind of like the sound and light booth . It was small , and we were busy , and we didn 't see much of each other , but when we did it was enough for a lifetime . The two nights I 'm going to tell you about that I spent with Bill Graham were certainly enough for me , because I didn 't spend them with the other characters in the stories . I spent them with Bill Graham . It was the day after Christmas 1968 and The MC5 , one of the most heavily promoted bands at the time and the first rock and roll band that had declared its radical politics both in song and behavior was going to play a free concert . I knew enough about the Fillmore East and the way Bill Graham ran it to realize that none of the free concerts Bill promoted at the either the Fillmore or in Central Park or anywhere else was truly free . There were the usual costs associated with running the best rock and roll venue in the country … rent , electricity , insurance , paying the staff … and the bands were almost always paid for their free appearances . So I called Bill and asked him what was going on . Bill growled gruffly that it was supposed to be a concert for the community of the Lower East Side . He spat out the word " community " like a piece of bad fish . It was all bullshit , he said . The radical MC5 , whose big hit on their first album was " Kick Out the Jams Motherfucker " had agreed to put on a show in support of the radical Up Against the Wall Motherfuckers . It was a clusterfuck of gigantic proportions and it was spinning rapidly out of control and Bill couldn 't think of why he had agreed to it except for the fact that the record label , Elektra , was one of the of the hottest in the business and had paid for the Fillmore upfront . He was locked in . He growled gruffly that it looked like the concert was going to happen , for better or worse , most probably worse . He sounded like a man who had just gotten married to a woman he didn 't recognize when he woke up the next morning . The apartment where I was staying was only a few blocks away , and I made it over there early , crunching through the snow of the previous night 's blizzard . I found Bill in his office on the phone . He waved me away gruffly , impatiently . I left the office and encountered Jerry Pompeli , the guy who had showed us to our seats the night we met Bill . Pompeli , it turned out , was a vet recently returned from a tour in Vietnam and served as the platoon sergeant of the Fillmore East ushers , a gang of long - haired gentle giants similar in stature and appearance to the guy who had been guarding Bill 's office door . What 's going on ? I asked Pompeli . Nothing good . They 're all full of shit , he said . The radical Up Against the Wall Motherfuckers of the Lower East Side and the radical MC5 rock and roll band from Detroit were now trashing each other as sell - outs to the establishment every chance they got . The establishment , it turned out , was the closest available vertical male human being who was not them , and that man was Bill Graham . I had been following this controversy as it played itself out in the pages of the Village Voice and Rolling Stone over the previous months . You heard that right . There was a controversy about a rock and roll band in 1968 . Wow . Controversies about individual rock and rollers had been fairly few and far between during the rather short history of rock and roll . Smooth - crooning bands like The Association that sang four - part pap harmony were in vogue , and what did The Association ever do or say that drew anyone 's attention ? Do you even remember The Association and its brand of Rock That Was Good For You ? I 'm truly amazed and a little ashamed that I remember them this many years later . Rock and roll controversies had generally centered themselves around such Important Issues as the clothing bands wore and how disgusting or cute their haircuts were . Remember The Rolling Stones ? They were the ones who looked disheveled and a tad angry on their album covers . You were suppose to want your daughter to one of the Beatles in their matching suits and darling bob haircuts , not a Rolling Stone . Before that , you had to go back as far as Elvis gyrating his pelvis and Jerry Lee Lewis marrying his 14 year old cousin to find controversy in the world of rock and roll . Really . That 's what had passed for controversy until the MC5 came along . And this was different - it was political but it wasn 't Nixon vs . Humphrey . It was Us versus Them or so the rock and roll press and the Motherfuckers and the MC5 wanted you to believe . But most of all it was the radicals against establishment Bill Graham . Although Bill was definitely not one of Us as imagined by the alternative press and the MC5 the Up Against the Wall Motherfuckers , he was one of Us to the Truscott family . To understand this distinction , you 've got to understand something about people like me who grew up in the Army , most especially people like me who grew up in the Army as children of parents who grew up in the Army . That 's right , both my mother and father were Army brats , and Army brats didn 't need to know much more about someone than the fact that they had been in the service to believe they were something special , something wonderful , a part of the Us of the military universe . It didn 't matter where : Army , Navy , Marines , Air Force , Coast Guard , hell the Merchant Marine was still considered part of the " service " when I was sailing back and forth to Germany in the mid - 1950 's on the " General Patch , " a troop - ship which had seen duty during World War II . ( I 'll never forget our below - decks bunks and the sea water that sloshed underfoot every morning when we arose from our fitful sleeps , but that 's another story . ) Given that back story , it doesn 't take much imagination to determine whose side I was on when it came to the Motherfuckers and the MC5 versus Bill Graham . I trailed Jerry Pompeli around that afternoon as he awaited he arrival of his troops , eventually assembling them in three ranks in the lobby of the Fillmore . Yes , three lines of huge hippies standing at attention for inspection . Pompeli gave them a cursory look and declared that tonight would not be business as usual at the Fillmore East , but there would be no deviation from the Fillmore 's security policy . There would be a show . There would be an audience . The show would go on . They would maintain order . They would get through this . Dismissed . Neither Pompeli or I understood the nuances of what was about to happen that night as well as Bill did , and that was apparent by his demeanor . He had a meaner demeanor than usual , and that was saying something . As it turned out the MC5 and the Motherfuckers had used Bill and his Fillmore as a cudgel against each other . The Motherfuckers wanted 500 free tickets for the so - called community of the East Village and said they 'd burn the place down if they didn 't get their way . John Sinclair of the MC5 threatened that the band wouldn 't play if the so - called community didn 't get its way . Bill figured that the Motherfuckers would use the free tickets to pack the place with Lower East Side thugs and punks - of which there were many in those days - no zillion dollar Avenue B condos back then - and when the Motherfuckers learned there would be no free tickets , they came up with a new demand that the MC5 should give their leaders the stage so they could take the so - called community 's demands straight to Bill Graham in his own house . Sinclair and the MC5 nixed that idea and the Motherfuckers went to war against them , too . By the time the MC5 took the stage , the atmosphere in the place was poisonous . Paying customers had filled the place , and when lead singer Rob Tyner grabbed the mike and screamed " Kick out the jams motherfucker " - the first lyric of their big hit - things started to come apart . I was standing at the back with Pompeli and a couple of his larger ushers . One of them wanted to start restoring some order , but Pompeli held him back . On stage , the band rolled into the rest of its set to what sounded like equal parts cheers and jeers . I didn 't know where Bill was . Pompeli said he was in the front lobby , guarding the doors , but I looked for him there and didn 't find him . Just about the time the band ended its set the Motherfuckers broke through the doors and stormed the place . It was rock and roll hell , and it wasn 't pretty . Down in front , Motherfuckers thugs were jumping up the stage and kicking over the drum set and slashing at amps and wings curtains with knives . Pompeli led his ushers into the fray and I followed Bill down the middle aisle . Just then a bunch of the Motherfuckers street thugs started climbing over seats , pushing people out of the way , waving knives and swinging chains . Bill was in the middle of one of the seat rows trying to help a girl who had been thrown to the floor in the madness when I saw one of the Motherfuckers climbing over the seats heading for him with a chain . The guy swung and caught Bill upside his head and I threw myself across a row of seats and tackled him around the waist . He went down , hitting his head against a seat back and wasn 't getting up . Bill looked over at me gruffly , his face bleeding . In the Spring of 1971 Bill Graham announced that he would be closing the Fillmore East . He told the press that he had made his decision based on changes in the concert promotion business and the music industry , but I knew he was just tired of the bullshit . I asked my editors at the Village Voice if I could write the obit for the Fillmore East , and they said , sure , go ahead . We wanted the piece to come out before the place closed and I didn 't want to bother Bill when he was busy around the time of the final shows in late June , so I called him up and asked if I could come over and interview him and take in a show , you know , for old times sake . Sure , he said . Why don 't you come by this Friday . We 've got a good show … Leon Russell , Taj Mahal and Donny Hathaway . If you dig Charles … he was referring to Charles Lloyd who I had come to realize was one of his best friends … you 'll love Donny . Bill had gotten his start in the mid - 60 's out in California with the San Francisco Mime Troupe and the Fillmore Auditorium , later to be called the Fillmore West , but he was from the Bronx , and I had always thought his true love was the Fillmore East . Every year he held a Thanksgiving concert and gave a big dinner catered by Katz 's Deli up on Houston Street . He had a similar fete out in San Francisco on New Years Eve . I had attended the 1970 Thanksgiving feast with the Jefferson Airplane at the Fillmore East and in coming years , I would have occasion to attend a couple of the Fillmore West New Years extravaganzas . Trust me . He poured his heart and everything Katz 's could deliver into Thanksgiving at the Fillmore East . At the Fillmore West , it was New Years Eve and not much more . I headed over there on Friday afternoon and spent a couple of very pleasurable hours talking to Bill about his baby , the Fillmore East . You can look up my Village Voice obit for the Fillmore East on Google , so I won 't bore you with the details of the Fillmore East 's rise and fall . For what it 's worth the whole thing is on the record out there somewhere in cyberspace along with everything else I probably ever wrote . I stayed for the concert that night . Who wouldn 't ? Leon Russell was as hot as he would probably ever get , and Taj Mahal would have been a pleasure to hear anywhere , but especially the Fillmore East where he could let loose and be himself . I wasn 't that hip to Donny Hathaway , but if Bill said I would dig him , who was I to argue ? He was Bill Graham . He would know . He gave me a couple of house seats - I wasn 't with anyone this time , just me reporting the story of the demise of one of my favorite music haunts , but apparently house seats came in pairs , so I took them and gave one away to somebody with a balcony ticket . I never took my seat however preferring to watch the show from the wings . Shows at the Fillmore East started at 8 : 00 and 11 : 00 pm sharp , and when Bill said sharp , he meant sharp . Woe be unto the rock and roller who figured he could be late to a show at the Fillmore , either of them . It would be the last show he ever played there . But these were the last gasps of the good times on 2nd Avenue and 6th Street , and I had noticed that things were a little looser than usual . Pompeli and his hippie ushers were taking it easy , and Bill wasn 't everywhere at once , his usual shtick . I was standing in the wings watching the end of Taj 's first set when I felt something poke my left arm . Now you 've got to see things as I saw them in order to understand what I 'm going to tell you , which is to say you can 't see anything at all . The Fillmore East was utterly dark . No lights at all in the auditorium . None . And the only light on the stage was a pin - spot that caught Taj about from his neck up . Enough of the spot bled over to the sides so you could pick up the six tubas behind him . That 's right . Six tubas . Like I said , at the Fillmore , Taj could be Taj , and on this night , Taj was sitting on a stool playing his guitar with six tubas behind him . I felt something bump my elbow and I looked to my left . I couldn 't see a thing back there behind the curtain that was shielding me from the audience . Then I heard his voice : And he handed me Leon Russell , his arms into my arms , just like that . Leon was either drunk or somebody had given him a line of smack or both , but either way he dead to the world in every way but actual death , I mean , racked - out as we used to say at West Point . He couldn 't have weighed more than 120 , 130 , so it wasn 't a big effort taking him from Bill . We stood there for a moment as Taj finished his last number and then the stage blacked - out . The Fillmore didn 't have a curtain , so they couldn 't drop it at the edge of the stage hiding the change of bands . The performing stage was on a rotating platform with a diaphanous backdrop separating one act from the other . They blacked out the stage , rotated the platform , and there they were ! New rock and rollers ! At the Fillmore , if you were second or third on the bill , you didn 't get an encore , so that was it for Taj . His set was over . The crowd erupted in applause but over the sound of the crowd I heard Bill : Listen to me he growled . When the stage rotates around , I want you to take Leon out there and put him on his piano bench , understand ? So I stood there holding Leon as the Fillmore East 's performing stage made its way slowly round and round and round . I couldn 't see a thing . I heard the voice again , this time in a gruff stage - whisper , the applause for Taj having died down : Do it , Lucian . Carry Leon out there and put him on his bench . So I stumbled forth , trying to see where I was going , but I couldn 't see a thing . Bill was back there stage - whispering - I never understood the meaning of a stage - whisper until that moment - step up ! Now ! To your right ! A little to your left ! You 're almost there ! I could hear musicians off to my right gently caressing their instruments , waiting to play , and I saw one or two teeny little red ready lights on the fronts of amps . But nothing else . That stage was blacked - out . Then my knees hit the piano bench and I heard Bill 's gruff stage whisper : Put him on the bench ! I eased Leon out of my arms onto his piano bench . His head fell forward and just missed the keys and landed on the edge the piano 's music stand . I tried to put his hands on the keyboard but his long gray hair was in the way and his hands kept falling back into his lap . Do what I tell you and get your ass back here ! He growled , louder now , losing his patience . We 've got a show to put on ! I struggled with the hair and the flopping head and the loose hands but finally I got his fingers in the vicinity the keyboard with his head resting on the music stand and felt my way back toward the wings . Everything was still blacked out and I nearly fell stepping down from the turntable . I heard Bill 's mic stand scrape the floor as he stepped out of the wings to announce the next act . His gruff voice growled over the PA : My eBooks Available on : Kindle Nook Apple Google Kobo Available on : Kindle Nook Apple Kobo Available on : Kindle Nook Apple Google Kobo Available on : Kindle Nook Apple Google Kobo Available on : Kindle Nook Apple Google Kobo ABOUT THE AUTHOR I am a novelist , journalist and screenwriter . I 've written for such publications as The New York Times , The New Yorker , The Nation , Rolling Stone and many more . I wrote for the Village Voice for 5 years , reported on wars in Israel , Lebanon , Iraq and Afghanistan , and fought a much longer war for 15 years in Hollywood while working for the television and motion picture business . I live in a 300 year old Saltbox cottage in Sag Harbor , New York . I have three children : Lilly , 19 ; Lucian V , 12 ; and Violet , 6 . I was born an Army Brat in post - war Japan and have lived all over the world and in more states in the U . S . A . than I can count .
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I think we are in the 7th inning stretch . I think . John and Jason from UNDERWORLD INK have been producing some great pictures . I can 't wait to get to the layout phase and see how their pictures , Rob 's maps and my text blend together . Ivy is going over the manuscript now . When I asked her how the edits were going she said " There aren 't too many crappy parts . We 'll talk later . " So I have to look forward to . So the word count as of now is 15 , 665 . I have to admit I am not all that happy with the tavern right now . That will be altered before it his print . So with the addition of pictures and maps it is a fairly good sized project . I have no idea at this time what the page count will be , I know I will be keeping it under 64 , but other than that I gots no idea . I plan on releasing this one on PDF and print soft and hard cover . I just have to have a hardcover version for myself and I plan on getting hardcovers for the guys who 've helped . Like I said it would be a quick update . But no rest for the wicked . While I wait for the others to finish their stuff I begin working on my next One - Shot adventure . I already have the outline for the adventure . I 'm excited about hitting the book store and working on it . As you can see I am going to milk that con for several posts . This one is about the dice I bought then I think I only have my HakcMaster post , oh and another short one about other stuff I got I think that is it . Origins made my side bar total for the year leap $ 300 . I 'm not going to break everything down . I just don 't remember . Well let 's see these dice I got . First off here are the free dice I got in the bag . I sorta wish I bought the whole commemorative Origins dice set that was in a very nice tin . These are the old Armory Alignment dice . The package was so old it fell apart in my hands . Though I don 't use alignment I still had to have them . The black die appears to have a bit of dandruff . A collection of weird dice . Weather generator , treasure type , monster type , decision die and I am guessing the one with superior on it is to determine the strength of an opponent compared to the players . All very cool dice . These are glow in the dark dice featuring alien heads , eyes and spaceships . Glow in the dark I had to have them . Bad picture of them glowing , but you get the point . Finally , my first set of Game Science dice . Uninked . Which I am regretting a little because I have discovered I suck at inking them . These things look like perfect chunks of amber . Print PDF After meeting Ken St . Andre I had to join Trollhalla . Not sure why I never did before since I 've been a fan for . . . well since I had a full head of hair and I can tell you that has been years , decades ago . So I also though I would show you what I got at the Flying Buffalo booth . First off I got this hit location die . I have a twelve sider , but I like the pictures on this one . Then here is my stash of books I got . First off I got the 7th CityBook . These are probably my favorite gaming supplements . Still need to find number 6 . I got a T & T adventure from Free RPG day from 2008 . Tavern by the Sea , The Wizard 's Test and Khara Khang 's Random Rainbow Maze . Ken signed the last three . So this is what I got from the Flying Buffalo which is a true old school company . As you can see I was not shy about buying stuff . And why not ? I love everything I got and am enjoy reading it all . Zack over at his RPG Blog II posted about getting new players , buying supplies for the game and dice . He likes the Game Science dice which I am now a proud owner of a set , but still need to ink them . Rob asked why didn 't I get the pre inked ones ? I thought it should be a custom to ink your first GS dice . I sorta kinda wish I got the pre inked ones now , but I digress . Zack writes about getting some extra dice for new players which is cool . But what he said next baffles and disturbs me . He isn 't bothered by someone else using his own dice ? ? ? WHAT ? ? ? I 'm not even sure if that is legal . This is why you buy the bucket of dice from Chessex . You never ever let anyone touch your dice . While I have never threatened to break someone 's fingers , I have threaten to tear off their arm and hit them with the bloody end . I believe it is a more game appropriate threat . I was going to talk about all the cool stuff that I got at Origins , but that has taken a backseat . First off , Rob and I must have stored up some good mojo for the trip . Somehow , without the use of a flying machine we made it to Columbus in 3 . 25 hours instead of 4 . Rob and I are still wondering how we did that since I wasn 't speeding and I don 't have a vehicle that could speed if I wanted to . Parking . BAM ! Up front . This was too easy . Walking through the giant convention center was interesting since signs were sparse , but we found our way without too many missteps . Lou Zocchi of the famous Game Science Dice , sharp enough to be considered a concealed weapon . What a blast he was . I scored my first set of Game Science dice , 11 dice set that included the new Zocchi dice . How could I not . In addition he had these old dice from the Armory , Alignment Dice . Even though I don 't use alignment I will buy any dice that are weird and something I don 't have . Tom Tullis of Fat Dragon was helping at at the Troll Lord Games booth . Rob gave him a copy of Blackmarsh and the Majestic Wilderlands . Tom apparently is a big fan of S & W and thrilled to have get them . I told him to stop clogging up the top ten slots on RPGNow . Here is a guy who is doing this for a living . Doesn 't use a CAD program , does the math in his head and uses a ruler and pencil . I like that a lot . Steven Chenault of Troll Lord Games . I didn 't have a chance to talk to him too long , but the booth next to Troll Lord Games was a Free RPG Day booth and he spoke briefly how he liked that idea . I agreed as I selected two free items . Jim & Debbie of Dungeon Decks and Dragon Tomes . Not sure what their last names are , but this couple definitely has a passion for the hobby . I bought a Dungeon Deck from them and I really like the idea . It 's fun and I think can be a great tool for a thrown together game or assist in prepping for an adventure in an ongoing campaign . They are going to release a couple of other decks at Gen Con . I know the Camp Deck was one . When characters camp this deck can assist in making it a memorable experience . They were a pleasure to talk to . Steve Johansson of Kenzer Company . I heard Jolly Blackburn was there also , but did not get the chance to meet him . Hackmaster released two new modules for their HackMaster Basic and they gave away a copy of their new Hacklopedia . And were also taking pre orders . He asked me if I wanted a order a copy and no one to be shy about speaking my mind , " I would love to , but when I put down $ 60 + for the book I want the PDF for free not to be charged an additional $ 20 . " Well , little did I know if I pre ordered it at Origins I got the copy of the PDF right there for free . Bam ! Sold ! Last , and definately not least is Ken St . Andre , Mr . Tunnels and Trolls himself sitting at the Flying Buffalo booth with Rick Loomis . Flying Buffalo is one of those companies that still maintains that old school feel that we all talk about , but they have maintained over all these years . I bought a bunch of T & T books which Ken graciously signed and added his own humor to . I got the last copy Tavern by the Sea at Origins . So as he is signing Ken says , " I 've been trying to get a game of Tunnels and Trolls going , but can 't get anyone to play . " I told him I would be right back . I found Rob , told him of Ken 's offer and the two of us hurried back to Ken to let him know to trolls were present and willing to be subjected to his adventure . That 's right I got to play Tunnels and Trolls with Ken St . Andre . That was a lot of fun . Getting to meet , play and be privy to a few secrets within T & T . My character started out as a 171 pound human and exited the adventure a 8550 pound dwarf . Ken declared my dwarf the heaviest in the world . A moniker I will wear proudly . Without a doubt an unexpected surprise and the best part of my convention experience . It 's been a very few busy days at work . I know . Blah , blah . . . Charlie Brown 's teacher talking . Rob and I are meeting up at 6 : 30am and heading west . Should be a blast . Rob and I can talk about gaming and other nonsensical stuff during the 4 hour drive . I 'm sure the current GURPS campaign will come up . We will be adding our old / new guy on Monday . Rob is thinking about running a game , but since we are not sure of the layout or how far it is to get here from there he can 't bring his uhaul of gaming props with him . I 've also bringing my digital camera and hope to get a few good pictures . I will get some lighting shots for Trey and Lurker because I know how important it is to them . The booths I am frothing to get at are the Kenzer booth , Game Science Dice , Toad and Troll , Steve Jackson Games , just to name a few . I am looking forward to finding that surprise vendor or vendors I had no idea about . I also hope to maybe get into get in a little game time . So I need to go finish packing . I 'll blog at you guys on Sunday . It may not be sleestak Sunday , but I am hoping I find one at Origins . That would be the best . retain their poisonous effect of paralyzing their victim . And causes wounds to bleed profusely . The grip is wrapped with the skin of the Crul - Crak . It is always cold to the target on a successful hit ( save vs . poison negates ) . The only way to help the victim is to cure poison . There is rumor that the skin wrapped around So the party started tied up , blindfolded and most of the possessions taken away before their butt hit the chair . You know what else ? They were the prisoner of a giant vampire medusa . That 's the kinda GM I am . Rob blogs about the session here . I wanted to start them in the middle of something so I did . Threw their bacon into the fire . Overall I thought the session went well . Rob tells it pretty well so I won 't retread all that . As a GM I didn 't have the time to do the NPCs I wanted . I had a list of about twelve I wanted to get done , but once the session was over I only needed about half those . As I always do I like to set up a situation mix it up with possible advantages and disadvantages then add the players and wing it from there . There were a few bumpy spots . Some rules conflicts here and there , but that didn 't stop us . We discussed it quickly then moved on . Though GURPS can have a rule for nearly anything I an a firm believer in being consistent , but allowing enough flexibility within those rules to not let them slow the game down . But still , if your world has a set of rules of how magic works its important to stick within those rules or have a good reason why not . Example , the one situation I ran into is the medusa has a magic resistance and can still cast spells , but those two are not mutually agreeable in the rules . But , there are different types of magic with the campaign , one is the regular magic and the other is god magic . I won 't go into too much detail , but it worked out well . Adventure : The adventure and situation itself I thought was pretty good . A good starting point with several plot threads the players could pick up on . So I give myself a solid B . Rule Calls : Still deficienct with rules knowledge the need to page flip was minimal and it really helps when you have three guys with the same rule books . Rob helped mainly with combat options and Dwayne with magic . I would say may judgement calls were minimal and fair , but knowledge still needs improved C . NPCs : I had a handful of NPCs . Robert the servant to medusa , a timid man , but he was able to get some revenge by killing a guard . A hyper and loud mercenary who turned into lunch for the medusa . A few of the mages . Were any of them remember - able ( really stretching to make that a word ) . . . I would say one was , possibly two . I flounder too much with Robert and he was an important NPC . So my grade for NPCs C + . Need to nail them down a little more . Pace : I thought I did pretty well with keeping the pace up . I wanted to keep the tension up and I think I did well with this part . That sense of urgency adds to the atmosphere of the game . Game B . Session Ending : I think this is an important part of GMing . Leaving off at a point where the players are chomping at the bit , or introduced to a twist . Something that will have them wondering what is going on for the next session . Our session ended with a revelation , a small one , but one that can have large implications with the mage guild . And there is plenty of fodder to pick up plot threads next session . You never want to leave a session with the players thinking , what are we going to do next . Grade A . Fun : When it comes down to it this is the main and really the only grade that counts . Of course if one of those section fails above it can really effect the final grade . Last night we had a blast . Players were in a good mood . The game went smooth . No problems with Skype or FG2 . So I am going to give the session an overall grade of a B + . Print PDF . . . again . After Rusty needed to take a departure from gaming for a short while the onus of GMing fell upon my shoulders which I gladly accepted . Tonight we begin the new campaign . * sound the trumpets or kazoos * I won 't go into too much detail on how it will begin because I know Rob and Dwayne will read it although I could make something up and pull the old switcharoo on them . Something I may do in the future . The other cool news I heard was one of our old gamer friends is graduating college , he 's been going for like 3000 years , and wants to get back into the group . Bonus . He 's a good player and brings another dynamic to the small group . As I mentioned in an earlier post I am using the old Judges Guild City - State of the Invincible Overlord as the setting using GURPS as the system . But our homebrewed version , mainly flavored by Rob over the past 1000 years . Being thrown into GMing I thought why make up a new setting when there is one already rich with history with the group and I don 't have to do much work because it is already there and everyone knows it well . I am setting it a few years after the death of the Overlord Lucius , with no true heir except a distant relative who is only 9 a regent was assigned , Lord Divolick . This polarized the other dukes and a civil war soon followed led by Duke Draco - Lindus . This civil war is divided by race and religion . My campaign starts where the civil war is winding down and it seems both sides have lost steam in their commitment to the fight . Both sides have taken heavy losses and though some boundaries have changed very little is different after the years of war . So there is a bitterness that nothing was resolved to have so many sacrificed and a relief that it looks like the civil war may be over . So what I had the players do is make up their characters and I gave them the responsibility to figure out how they knew one another . What past they shared . There would be no , You see a mysterious stranger in the corner table of the tavern . I am not against it and I may use it next session for all I know , but I wanted to hit the ground running and both of them know the Majestic Wilderlands better than me overall . Both completed characters , Dwayne is a mage who specialized in healing , light and movement colleges . So he can heal very well , get out of a situation very quickly and has only one real offensive spell , Sunbolt . Rob is playing a mercenary / guard assigned to mage 's guild . During Divolick 's rule the Guild of Arcane Lore who for all its years of existence remained neutral in political matters . Now the guild allies itself the regent and was used extensively in the war . As part of this arrangement Divolick made assigned a portion of the mercenary guild to protect mages and are paid very well for it . And so our little party is born . With their character made and their professions and likes and dislikes created , I made a more extensive background for each character . I little family history , developed friends and allies , rivals and enemies . Both have a little of both . I do this so it feels like their characters have existed in this world before they started rolling dice . And it provides a little fodder for future adventures . Now my part as GM is to develop that introduction adventure . And I am going to say it right here , there is going to be a little railroading involved . That 's right , I said railroading in a sandbox campaign . Who may think they cannot coexist , but they can in the hands of a master GM . Well at least one who is doing anyway . I 'm going to jump into this one where the characters are in the middle of something . Wham ! In your face PCs ! Again , can 't say much because Dwayne and Rob are reading this blog carefully hoping I may give them a detail or two . So to prepare for this first adventure I 've had to re familiarize myself to GURPS . Its been a while since we 've played . And also I need to whip up a few NPCs I have outlined . This shouldn 't take long with the help of GURPS Character Assistant 4 . Probably one of the best tools for a game system ever . Have a great Monday . I am thinking it may be a long week because Rob and I are going to Origins this weekend . Still have to find a hotel . Man , too many things to do . I won 't go into all the arguments that have occurred in the past couple of weeks . Seems like things are settling down and of course when one of these dust ups occurs nothing changes and no one changes their mind . Just happens . Happens in all sections of life . Work , home and here on the blogosphere people get irritated and pissy . So here it is Free RPG Day , I was not feeling all that enthusiastic about it to begin with , but damn it I wasn 't going to miss it . I wanted to get my commemorative d6 . And who knows I might actually meet a cool gamer or two . So into the game store I go ( I won 't mention the name because I am not going to be too nice here in a few ) and at the counter is the gaming guy . This store is mainly a book store , but it has a decent gaming section and he is in charge of it . This gaming guy is about as irritating as they come . He 's one of those I have an opinion on everything especially about the things I don 't know about . If you 've been to the moon , he 's been there twice . He 's talking to two other gamers . " Goodman Games DCC is crap . He 's trying to be all ' old school ' " He did that little finger quote thing when he said old school . " The OSR is such lame shit . " Ya know , I try to be a nice guy . I really do , but sometimes things just don 't work out . So I ask gamer guy , " Have you ever played any of the old school games or the clones ? " Now there are so many things wrong with that statement I stood there for a second hoping he would laugh or give me the gotcha sign or something . Nope . Dead serious . Now , like this recent fray on the blogs , I knew speaking with gamer guy would be like going into a deep mineshaft without a lantern . No chance of changing his mind . So instead I addressed the two gamers . " If you guys are interested at all in playing some old school style gaming you can download the rules for free . * gave them S & W , LL , and Osric were the ones I could remember * There is a game just south of here we play twice a month , your welcome to join in any time you feel like it . It 's a great time . If you don 't like it it won 't cost ya a thing . " Also gave them my email if they had any questions . The two guys were interested , gave them some gaming blogs to read . I am not sure if that was the best thing considering the rants of late . The gamer guy actually tried to grab the paper I gave them . WTF Luckily the goof has the dexterity of a dog turd and nearly fell down . The two other guys laughed at him and left . Said they would give it a look . So now I am alone with gamer guy . He 's pissed and I still didn 't get to pick any of my free stuff yet . This was going to go well . I am thinking , I 'm going to get arrested today . And to tell you the truth , I was in a mood where I was okay with that . Fast forward ten minutes after looking at some other gaming stuff . I ended up buying Pazio 's Misfit Monsters . They always do a great job . Luckily for me and my arrest record gamer guy 's shift was over and the owner lady took over . I didn 't say anything about what happened to the owner because the gamer guy is her nephew . I ended up getting the Dragon Age quick start and Goodman Games DCC . What I failed to get . and one of the main things I wanted was a commemorative d6 for this year 's Free RPG day . I 'd gotten one for the past four years . So as I end this I will make a small plea to my readers who may have gotten an extra d6 , if you would like to trade for it or get a copy of something I wrote or you just want a little RPGNow credit I would love to trade for that elusive d6 . Ark over at Rather Gamey is getting a little tired of the negativity going around the blogs and I gotta say I am to . I love good discussions , but they have devolved into pettiness lately . So I am going support Ark by putting up Happy Trees . Here you go Ark . This tree is for you ! It 's that time again . Free RPG Day is coming this Saturday the 18th so make sure you check out the website and see which stores are active . To be honest though this is the first time in past three or four years that I 'm not planning my attack . Not that excited to see what I can score . Free RPG Day was one of the reason I came back to gaming and the join in on all the OSR goodness . So I am hoping that I get more in the mode closer to game time . Each year I manage to score a quick - start of this game or that and then I 've always gotten the commemorative 6 - sided die . This year I 'll probably go for Goodman 's DCC or Pazio 's Pathfinder . I 'll bring Ivy along so I can have her pick up an extra item for me . And if you have children I encourage you to use them also . It 's a good way to get out to your game store and maybe pick up a few items . I usually pick up something , but with Origins the next week I need to save some money , but who knows I may still pick up a set of dice . So last night was a last game with Rusty for a while . Our party managed to find the important things . Though the adventure was built for six to eight players and three of them being fighter we did okay with four of us , with one NPC fighter who got beat up pretty bad by a ghoul . I won 't go into much detail as not to spoil the plot for the beginning of the Splinters of Faith series , but be prepared for a lot of round rooms . The group discussed what we wanted to do next . Everyone seems to have d20 fatigue so we are going back to GURPS . I think for our group its always been the system of choice , for better or worse it fits us . I will be GMing this time around which I am excited about . Wasn 't sure if I would be , but the more we talked about it the more ideas that came to my head . Now just because we are playing GURPS does not mean I am not going to mine the shit out of OSR products . Oh no , I plan on having a large pick - ax going to town . Plus , Rob runs another Swords & Wizardry game on the side so I might do a few pick - up games there so I can throw a d20 . While GURPS is a great system and has some of the best historical supplement books , the one thing it lacks , nah , I will even say sucks at is adventures and creatures . Though they are making head way in this area SJG isn 't about to expend resources on an ehhh selling product right now when they are riding the baloney pony of Munchkin all the way to the bank . But with the Dungeon Fantasy series and recent release of Low Tech ( which is interesting , but it makes me think too much ) and Monster Hunters at least it doesn 't feel abandon . This week the guys will make their characters . Rob I think will be playing a city guard / mercenary spear man . Dwayne has not unveiled his guy yet . As a GM all I asked was they make the characters and figure out some back story on how they know each other and make them compatible . Two man adventuring party leaves little room for error . I 'll be using the Majestic Wilderlands as a setting . I always tell Rob that think of it as a alternate universe from his own . Since it was such quick notice it works out because of the history we have with it and there are several threads we can pick up on and get into depth without putting too much effort into it . All of us know the Majestic Wilderlands , cultures , politics and legends . So no need to feed the players information the only thing that needs monitoring sometimes is knowledge they would not know . Back to the OSR connection , I plan on going through some adventures , supplements and blogs and getting some good information gathered I can use . Good gaming stuff doesn 't have a system boundary , it 'll work anywhere . Print PDF So I get up this morning not feeling so swell , read a few blogs and choke down a slice and then two peices of toast . Dog is wild , jumping around grabbing everything including my damn socks . I 'm thinking , man dog , not the socks . Feed the dog , kiss the wife and head out the door with slightly moist socks . It 's only Monday and I am already snarling at the week . It could be worse and it does . Tonight is gaming night , but the last one with our crew of four . Rusty need to bow out for a while . Maybe something can be worked out , but he 's got his got stuff to do right now and gaming is way low on that priority list . Has to be . Real life , annoying as it is , stands in the front of the line and gaming has to be patient . Rob , Dwayne and I will continue on with another campaign although I am not sure when or which one . I think its my turn to GM , but who knows . Out of all of us I GM the least . Rusty just started us into the Splinters of Faith adventure series . Rolondo will need to retire before he 's realized . Then this got me to thinking about old characters and some recent blogs I 've read about not bothering to name a character because they will be rolling up a new one . In a later blog I plan on going over some of my old characters that I remember . Should be a cool walk down memory lane . I am not one who retells character stories over and over again so taking a look back should be fun . Lunchtime is over . Time to return to work and get some stuff done . There is gamng tonight . Which is good . I go home to a good wife . Which is the best . And my socks are now dry . Which is a bonus . I 've always found the folklore surrounding crossroads fascinating . Some say it 's a symbol of a choice between good and evil , others describe it as the intersection of the physical and spiritual . And of course one of my favorites is a story where the man went to the crossroads to sell his soul so he could learn how to play guitar . In mythology you have the Greek goddess Hecate ruling over the crossroads . And its no coincidence that she was also the goddess of the night . All that 's great and good , but how can we make this simple location something a little more interesting besides a choice in which direction to go ? One of the old customs was to execute and / or bury criminals and suicides at the crossroads . This was done so that when the restless spirits that were not permitted to be buried in consecrated ground would not know which way to go to get back to town , thus eliminating that chance of revenge . Teutonic knights constructed altars and performed human sacrifices at the crossroads . There is also a good chance that gallows would be constructed there to execute the criminals . Some cultures believe if you want to acquire a certain skill one needs to visit the crossroads a number of times at certain times then you will meet the devil / spirit and he will give you a skill . In game there might be some evil spirit living there to make deal with those who show they are serious . The spirit will not just grant skills to someone who would waste the skill , when the spirit claim the soul they want a greater soul . Someone who will become more than the skill he was given therefore there is a profit for the spirit . This is just a small taste of what a simple location can become , a rich environment for your game . Here is an impromptu random encounter table . No details are given for creatures or people . Just a little atmosphere text that can be crunched up by the GM if he or she so chooses . Three bodies hang from a large barren tree just beyond the crossroads . The temperature drops and it begins to rain . When the players near the tree lightning flashes and the tree is gone as the thunder rumbles above . A man sits on a rock just off the crossroad chewing on a piece of grass . He nods and smiles . Sun beats down and he sips from a clay jar at his side . " Time for drinking . " He says not looking at the players . He 's watches the road , " It 'll be coming soon enough . No time for drinking then . " If asked he will chuckle . " If you stick around , you 'll find out . " If the players take a sip from his jar they must make a save vs . poison . On a failed save the player will see steam rising from one of the roads and flames will flare out from the ground . A tree trunk is decorated as a crude altar . The one side is covered with candles , wax coats most of the bark . A couple of baskets to the side are stained with blood and covered with flies . Twenty - two shriveled hearts with two more on the way . If the players wait around long enough they will meet Walter , a large , but simple man . He 's got a man thrown over his shoulder , arms and legs tied . A large skinning knife in his hand . " I got one left after this one and I won 't be a bother to anyone . I got to do this before the night comes in . " Walter won 't explain . His home is nearby , which is no mare than a lean to . He 's got a woman unconscious tied to the tree . All around Walter 's home ropes lay at the base of trees where he kept the others . Two poles are pounded into the ground in the center of the crossroads . A string of skulls hangs off of one pole , while another string lies on the ground . If the players come through at night they will see one of the skulls as a dim green glow coming from inside . The first player who touches it will hear a voice in his head . The green glow will vanish to the other players . " What do you want ? " The spirit will know where to find it or learn it . If the player rejects the question the spirit will leave . If the player makes a deal with the spirit is will bind with the player 's . A woman runs across the road screaming about demons and love . Her eyes are wide and wild . If the players stop her they will see her ears have been cauterized shut . The longer the players restrain her the more hysterical she will become . From the distance the players hear the sound of a sustained musical note . Animals run in panic from the music . Images of lost love ones , friends and enemies start appearing . Some look like they remembered them , some look torn and tortured . The fog lies low and thick . The ground wet and slow . The players smell sulfur in the breeze . An empty gallows sits off a ways , looking too new , too well built for a place like this . A place of neither here nor there . Up ahead smoke drifts into the air and smell of sulfur grows stronger . A man dressed in fine dark leathers paces the crossroads , he hums as he walks . When he sees the players approach he shakes his head . " It ain 't time . I 'll see you when you 're ready . I 'll be here . " A horse charges out of no where , the man bounds into the saddle and rides off . A large old oak tree stands guard at the crossroads . Something moves in the breeze that 's nailed to the trunk . Skin . Someone 's skin hangs by a nail . No one and nothing else around . Additional Note : Paul over at Quickly , Quietly , Carefully has added another bit of legend to the crossroads . Print PDF " That my friends is one big ass gelatinous cube , Murry the Elf looked down into the pit where Bill the Uncomely had just taken a header . Bill kicked his little feet , but his efforts only managed to sink him deeper . " I got dibs on his Ring of Protection . " Terry the Paniced ran around the edge of the pit with his arms over his head . " OMG , somebody do something . " His voice echoed through the dungeon corridors , hallways , passageways and other synonyms . " We 've got to do something ! " He stopped for a moment and glanced into the pit . " OMG ! " Choke the Codpiece shook his head . " Shut the little fucker up before he attracts every hairy brown eye in the place . " Choke hefted his obscenely large crossbow . " I got this . " He took aim into the pit , but the angle cause the bolt to fall out of the crossbow and land on top of the cube . " Son of a . . . that was a magical bolt " Choke pulled out his gargantuan axe , " Why don 't you girls fight later . Let 's get this sorry bastard out of the pit before he gets vomited out . Even a gelatinous cube has got to have standards . " And that 's all I have . I have to go to work . Weekend it almost here so have fun or I shall chop you to pieces ! Print PDF Wow , yesterday was sick as hell . Not that you guys need to know that , but was working on some write ups for the blog . I enjoy doing the Villains , S & W style and thought of a few stand by baddies I like to have . I am sure we all have our favorites that get introduced into different games . One of mine is Opulus . A cranky old priest with ideas of his own . 7th level Cleric Opulus is an elder priest in the temple of Delaquain . He does little in the way of direct service to the people , but is a high ranking adviser the directs temple policy . In his eyes the temple has moved away from its initial mission which is to serve the Gynorian people , but with being accepted into the whole , respectability , and more say on what goes on the temple has moved towards a tolerance toward all races and cultures . Opulus believes this is a waste of resources . He believes the temples exists to use and expand its resources for its own people . The other races and cultures have their own gods and temples let them suckle them to oblivion . When Opulus has been present at public temples he has been known to casts geas on those he believes are taking advantage of the temple . Often the geas he sends them on cause the person 's death because the quest is beyond the person 's capabilities . Opulus believes the only reason they failed is they did not have enough faith . The temple of Delaquain has kept this fact hidden for years and Opulus has been admonished because of it . Yet he cannot be remove from his position because it is a lifetime commitment . The temple is fractured . Opulus has a small , but zealous group that believes the temple should return to serving their own . While the main body of the temple wishes to integrate itself further into the culture . The popularity of Delaquain has never been so high . Opulus continues to use his influence within the temple to bring the the fall of those who do not believe in what he believes . He would rather see the walls burn than have them desecrated by outsiders . Dwayne over at The Gamers Closet just finished his second set of dungeon tiles . Now these are not those sissy print on cardstock or cardboard flip maps . No , no . These tiles where made with POWER tools . Real wood . Real primer and paint . These are man tiles . You could use a wall section to knock out that annoying player in the group . I think Dwayne even spilled real blood on some of them . Go check them out . The blood , it 's everywhere ! I 'd almost forgotten my little score over my vacation . Being a sucker for weird dice I saw Cthulhu Dice ( which is a misrepresentation since there is only one die . . . should be Cthulhu Die , but I guess that would be confusing to because the game isn 't about killing Cthulhu its about keeping your sanity or losing your sanity , making others lose their sanity while the dark water rises in the night and the city not seen in ten thousand years glimmers in the blood moon of the thirteen month as the reality catches on fire and peels away in black curling strips ) . I failed my roll . I have to go now . Yesterday Christian had a lousy time during his game session . Christian and two other gamers in the group were not happy with the way the GM was running things . Christian tried to solve the problem via email , but nothing changed . So he voiced his displeasure at the game table . . . I don 't know how close of a relationship he and his DM had , but in the blog Christian said he considers the GM a friend . Of course there are friends that hang with and there are friends that you share your life with . His blog made me consider the dynamics in our group . It will be the National Enquirer Edition of our group . Our main group consists of 4 guys . Dwayne ( Gamer 's Closet ) I 've been friends with for 33 years no . Oh my god , I shouldn 't have done the math . Rob ( Bat in the Attic ) I 've been friends with for 25 years . And Rusty ( formerly of the Rusty Battle Axe ) is the newb of the group and I can safely say I 've been friends with him for 2 years now . I give you this background to give a bit of perspective of the longevity of our group . Rob is our main GM and so he gets most of our abuse . Because we 've gamed for so long together I have no problem telling Rob or Dwayne what I am not liking . The one example I can give is last campaign Rob ran a handful of canned modules and they got boring . I told Rob I didn 't like them and the fact that we sorta knew them by heart didn 't help . You just don 't run White Plume Mountain will old gamers without changing it around . And here 's a very good thing about Rob , he take criticism very well . He doesn 't take it too personal and he 'll often ask for suggestions . If Dwayne has done something I 'm not too fond of I will let him know . Again , he is good at taking suggestions . There may be times when arguments occur and they do between Rob and Dwayne , but no matter what , on Monday night we will be sitting around the computer playing a game together . We 've gotten to a point in our lives that we realize how important it is to dedicate a small time of each week to one another . It is so easy to let gaming slide and before you know a couple of years have past . I don 't schedule anything on Monday nights because to me it belongs to my gaming group . The interesting thing is Rusty being our new guy to the group , it feels like he 's been there all along . I don 't think he got through the first night before we started making fun of him . And he got in a few good shots himself . But I also feel if I didn 't like something Rusty was doing I would have no problem telling him . All this is good and great , but what happens if you run into a situation like Christian where the GM wants to run the game his way despite the playerPosted by Enik and the Sleestak wearing the necklace confer with the great spirits on how much money they will need for Origins gaming convention in a couple weeks . Enik asks , " What if that dude from the Game Science Dice is there ? " Ancestor replies , " You will have to buy a set . Just don 't put them into your pocket they are very pointy . " Enik asks , " What if they have . . . " Ancestor interrupts , " Enik , you have been in that pylon too long . Go to the convention and have fun and stop being a fricking cupcake will ya . " Rob ( Bat in the Attic ) and I are seriously considering heading to Origins this year . It 's coming up quick at the end of the month and we 'd go for Saturday the 25th . Admission fee is only $ 5 . Ton of exhibitors which I am sure will make my side total for the year skyrocket . It 's about a 4 hour drive one way which is not too bad . We 'd probably try and find a place within an hour of the convention center and hit it early in the morning and then head home that evening . I 've never been to one of the big conventions . Just local ones . Some of those are pretty hit or miss . No one shows up to play or the GM does not show ( not just talking about you Jason : P ) . Origins is one of the biggies and I think would be great to go . I 'll have to plan better next year , try to sign up for some of the games and get more involved . As of now though , still not sure if I 'll go . Have to coordinate things with Rob and make sure my credit card isn 't on the verge of melting . The North Texas Convention is in full swing and I am stuck in NW PA with Rob . But his Majestic Wilderlands has been nominated for the 3 Castles Award . I told Rob I would send him some good mojo today and I will keep my promise . Here are some random pictures of what I found when I googled good mojo . Good luck Rob , I hope you bring home a cool ass trophy . I was at a Borders I now need to drive over an hour to get to and despite the drive I really like it . I found this book in the journal section and thought it was absolutely perfect for gaming . My initial thought is to use it for our Monday Night games for my character and journal the entire campaign . I am also planning on buying a couple more for other things that I haven 't even thought of yet . Anyway here are a few pictures of the book with a little help from Sleestak Sammy . And the cool thing is it is all graph paper baby . So I can use it for notes , sketches and dungeon layouts . Now in my mind this will be cool as hell , but in reality it might just turn out to be a huge dinosaur sized turd . But I really dig the graph paper pages . May has come and gone quickly and this will probably be my last sales report for Knowledge Illuminates , but I will be updating the its page on the header above . When Starter Adventures comes out I 'll do another monthly sales report . One of the things I did this month was to sign up for Your Games Now , another PDF store run by Joseph Browning of Expeditious Retreat Press and the blog Sorcery & Super Science ! Trying to branch out into other stores and looking for some others . Well the numbers for May are tiny . Sold 4 total and 2 out of the 3 One - Page Dungeon Contest winners have gotten their prizes . That brings up these totals .
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I think we are in the 7th inning stretch . I think . John and Jason from UNDERWORLD INK have been producing some great pictures . I can 't wait to get to the layout phase and see how their pictures , Rob 's maps and my text blend together . Ivy is going over the manuscript now . When I asked her how the edits were going she said " There aren 't too many crappy parts . We 'll talk later . " So I have to look forward to . So the word count as of now is 15 , 665 . I have to admit I am not all that happy with the tavern right now . That will be altered before it his print . So with the addition of pictures and maps it is a fairly good sized project . I have no idea at this time what the page count will be , I know I will be keeping it under 64 , but other than that I gots no idea . I plan on releasing this one on PDF and print soft and hard cover . I just have to have a hardcover version for myself and I plan on getting hardcovers for the guys who 've helped . Like I said it would be a quick update . But no rest for the wicked . While I wait for the others to finish their stuff I begin working on my next One - Shot adventure . I already have the outline for the adventure . I 'm excited about hitting the book store and working on it . As you can see I am going to milk that con for several posts . This one is about the dice I bought then I think I only have my HakcMaster post , oh and another short one about other stuff I got I think that is it . Origins made my side bar total for the year leap $ 300 . I 'm not going to break everything down . I just don 't remember . Well let 's see these dice I got . First off here are the free dice I got in the bag . I sorta wish I bought the whole commemorative Origins dice set that was in a very nice tin . These are the old Armory Alignment dice . The package was so old it fell apart in my hands . Though I don 't use alignment I still had to have them . The black die appears to have a bit of dandruff . A collection of weird dice . Weather generator , treasure type , monster type , decision die and I am guessing the one with superior on it is to determine the strength of an opponent compared to the players . All very cool dice . These are glow in the dark dice featuring alien heads , eyes and spaceships . Glow in the dark I had to have them . Bad picture of them glowing , but you get the point . Finally , my first set of Game Science dice . Uninked . Which I am regretting a little because I have discovered I suck at inking them . These things look like perfect chunks of amber . Print PDF After meeting Ken St . Andre I had to join Trollhalla . Not sure why I never did before since I 've been a fan for . . . well since I had a full head of hair and I can tell you that has been years , decades ago . So I also though I would show you what I got at the Flying Buffalo booth . First off I got this hit location die . I have a twelve sider , but I like the pictures on this one . Then here is my stash of books I got . First off I got the 7th CityBook . These are probably my favorite gaming supplements . Still need to find number 6 . I got a T & T adventure from Free RPG day from 2008 . Tavern by the Sea , The Wizard 's Test and Khara Khang 's Random Rainbow Maze . Ken signed the last three . So this is what I got from the Flying Buffalo which is a true old school company . As you can see I was not shy about buying stuff . And why not ? I love everything I got and am enjoy reading it all . Zack over at his RPG Blog II posted about getting new players , buying supplies for the game and dice . He likes the Game Science dice which I am now a proud owner of a set , but still need to ink them . Rob asked why didn 't I get the pre inked ones ? I thought it should be a custom to ink your first GS dice . I sorta kinda wish I got the pre inked ones now , but I digress . Zack writes about getting some extra dice for new players which is cool . But what he said next baffles and disturbs me . He isn 't bothered by someone else using his own dice ? ? ? WHAT ? ? ? I 'm not even sure if that is legal . This is why you buy the bucket of dice from Chessex . You never ever let anyone touch your dice . While I have never threatened to break someone 's fingers , I have threaten to tear off their arm and hit them with the bloody end . I believe it is a more game appropriate threat . I was going to talk about all the cool stuff that I got at Origins , but that has taken a backseat . First off , Rob and I must have stored up some good mojo for the trip . Somehow , without the use of a flying machine we made it to Columbus in 3 . 25 hours instead of 4 . Rob and I are still wondering how we did that since I wasn 't speeding and I don 't have a vehicle that could speed if I wanted to . Parking . BAM ! Up front . This was too easy . Walking through the giant convention center was interesting since signs were sparse , but we found our way without too many missteps . Lou Zocchi of the famous Game Science Dice , sharp enough to be considered a concealed weapon . What a blast he was . I scored my first set of Game Science dice , 11 dice set that included the new Zocchi dice . How could I not . In addition he had these old dice from the Armory , Alignment Dice . Even though I don 't use alignment I will buy any dice that are weird and something I don 't have . Tom Tullis of Fat Dragon was helping at at the Troll Lord Games booth . Rob gave him a copy of Blackmarsh and the Majestic Wilderlands . Tom apparently is a big fan of S & W and thrilled to have get them . I told him to stop clogging up the top ten slots on RPGNow . Here is a guy who is doing this for a living . Doesn 't use a CAD program , does the math in his head and uses a ruler and pencil . I like that a lot . Steven Chenault of Troll Lord Games . I didn 't have a chance to talk to him too long , but the booth next to Troll Lord Games was a Free RPG Day booth and he spoke briefly how he liked that idea . I agreed as I selected two free items . Jim & Debbie of Dungeon Decks and Dragon Tomes . Not sure what their last names are , but this couple definitely has a passion for the hobby . I bought a Dungeon Deck from them and I really like the idea . It 's fun and I think can be a great tool for a thrown together game or assist in prepping for an adventure in an ongoing campaign . They are going to release a couple of other decks at Gen Con . I know the Camp Deck was one . When characters camp this deck can assist in making it a memorable experience . They were a pleasure to talk to . Steve Johansson of Kenzer Company . I heard Jolly Blackburn was there also , but did not get the chance to meet him . Hackmaster released two new modules for their HackMaster Basic and they gave away a copy of their new Hacklopedia . And were also taking pre orders . He asked me if I wanted a order a copy and no one to be shy about speaking my mind , " I would love to , but when I put down $ 60 + for the book I want the PDF for free not to be charged an additional $ 20 . " Well , little did I know if I pre ordered it at Origins I got the copy of the PDF right there for free . Bam ! Sold ! Last , and definately not least is Ken St . Andre , Mr . Tunnels and Trolls himself sitting at the Flying Buffalo booth with Rick Loomis . Flying Buffalo is one of those companies that still maintains that old school feel that we all talk about , but they have maintained over all these years . I bought a bunch of T & T books which Ken graciously signed and added his own humor to . I got the last copy Tavern by the Sea at Origins . So as he is signing Ken says , " I 've been trying to get a game of Tunnels and Trolls going , but can 't get anyone to play . " I told him I would be right back . I found Rob , told him of Ken 's offer and the two of us hurried back to Ken to let him know to trolls were present and willing to be subjected to his adventure . That 's right I got to play Tunnels and Trolls with Ken St . Andre . That was a lot of fun . Getting to meet , play and be privy to a few secrets within T & T . My character started out as a 171 pound human and exited the adventure a 8550 pound dwarf . Ken declared my dwarf the heaviest in the world . A moniker I will wear proudly . Without a doubt an unexpected surprise and the best part of my convention experience . It 's been a very few busy days at work . I know . Blah , blah . . . Charlie Brown 's teacher talking . Rob and I are meeting up at 6 : 30am and heading west . Should be a blast . Rob and I can talk about gaming and other nonsensical stuff during the 4 hour drive . I 'm sure the current GURPS campaign will come up . We will be adding our old / new guy on Monday . Rob is thinking about running a game , but since we are not sure of the layout or how far it is to get here from there he can 't bring his uhaul of gaming props with him . I 've also bringing my digital camera and hope to get a few good pictures . I will get some lighting shots for Trey and Lurker because I know how important it is to them . The booths I am frothing to get at are the Kenzer booth , Game Science Dice , Toad and Troll , Steve Jackson Games , just to name a few . I am looking forward to finding that surprise vendor or vendors I had no idea about . I also hope to maybe get into get in a little game time . So I need to go finish packing . I 'll blog at you guys on Sunday . It may not be sleestak Sunday , but I am hoping I find one at Origins . That would be the best . retain their poisonous effect of paralyzing their victim . And causes wounds to bleed profusely . The grip is wrapped with the skin of the Crul - Crak . It is always cold to the target on a successful hit ( save vs . poison negates ) . The only way to help the victim is to cure poison . There is rumor that the skin wrapped around So the party started tied up , blindfolded and most of the possessions taken away before their butt hit the chair . You know what else ? They were the prisoner of a giant vampire medusa . That 's the kinda GM I am . Rob blogs about the session here . I wanted to start them in the middle of something so I did . Threw their bacon into the fire . Overall I thought the session went well . Rob tells it pretty well so I won 't retread all that . As a GM I didn 't have the time to do the NPCs I wanted . I had a list of about twelve I wanted to get done , but once the session was over I only needed about half those . As I always do I like to set up a situation mix it up with possible advantages and disadvantages then add the players and wing it from there . There were a few bumpy spots . Some rules conflicts here and there , but that didn 't stop us . We discussed it quickly then moved on . Though GURPS can have a rule for nearly anything I an a firm believer in being consistent , but allowing enough flexibility within those rules to not let them slow the game down . But still , if your world has a set of rules of how magic works its important to stick within those rules or have a good reason why not . Example , the one situation I ran into is the medusa has a magic resistance and can still cast spells , but those two are not mutually agreeable in the rules . But , there are different types of magic with the campaign , one is the regular magic and the other is god magic . I won 't go into too much detail , but it worked out well . Adventure : The adventure and situation itself I thought was pretty good . A good starting point with several plot threads the players could pick up on . So I give myself a solid B . Rule Calls : Still deficienct with rules knowledge the need to page flip was minimal and it really helps when you have three guys with the same rule books . Rob helped mainly with combat options and Dwayne with magic . I would say may judgement calls were minimal and fair , but knowledge still needs improved C . NPCs : I had a handful of NPCs . Robert the servant to medusa , a timid man , but he was able to get some revenge by killing a guard . A hyper and loud mercenary who turned into lunch for the medusa . A few of the mages . Were any of them remember - able ( really stretching to make that a word ) . . . I would say one was , possibly two . I flounder too much with Robert and he was an important NPC . So my grade for NPCs C + . Need to nail them down a little more . Pace : I thought I did pretty well with keeping the pace up . I wanted to keep the tension up and I think I did well with this part . That sense of urgency adds to the atmosphere of the game . Game B . Session Ending : I think this is an important part of GMing . Leaving off at a point where the players are chomping at the bit , or introduced to a twist . Something that will have them wondering what is going on for the next session . Our session ended with a revelation , a small one , but one that can have large implications with the mage guild . And there is plenty of fodder to pick up plot threads next session . You never want to leave a session with the players thinking , what are we going to do next . Grade A . Fun : When it comes down to it this is the main and really the only grade that counts . Of course if one of those section fails above it can really effect the final grade . Last night we had a blast . Players were in a good mood . The game went smooth . No problems with Skype or FG2 . So I am going to give the session an overall grade of a B + . Print PDF . . . again . After Rusty needed to take a departure from gaming for a short while the onus of GMing fell upon my shoulders which I gladly accepted . Tonight we begin the new campaign . * sound the trumpets or kazoos * I won 't go into too much detail on how it will begin because I know Rob and Dwayne will read it although I could make something up and pull the old switcharoo on them . Something I may do in the future . The other cool news I heard was one of our old gamer friends is graduating college , he 's been going for like 3000 years , and wants to get back into the group . Bonus . He 's a good player and brings another dynamic to the small group . As I mentioned in an earlier post I am using the old Judges Guild City - State of the Invincible Overlord as the setting using GURPS as the system . But our homebrewed version , mainly flavored by Rob over the past 1000 years . Being thrown into GMing I thought why make up a new setting when there is one already rich with history with the group and I don 't have to do much work because it is already there and everyone knows it well . I am setting it a few years after the death of the Overlord Lucius , with no true heir except a distant relative who is only 9 a regent was assigned , Lord Divolick . This polarized the other dukes and a civil war soon followed led by Duke Draco - Lindus . This civil war is divided by race and religion . My campaign starts where the civil war is winding down and it seems both sides have lost steam in their commitment to the fight . Both sides have taken heavy losses and though some boundaries have changed very little is different after the years of war . So there is a bitterness that nothing was resolved to have so many sacrificed and a relief that it looks like the civil war may be over . So what I had the players do is make up their characters and I gave them the responsibility to figure out how they knew one another . What past they shared . There would be no , You see a mysterious stranger in the corner table of the tavern . I am not against it and I may use it next session for all I know , but I wanted to hit the ground running and both of them know the Majestic Wilderlands better than me overall . Both completed characters , Dwayne is a mage who specialized in healing , light and movement colleges . So he can heal very well , get out of a situation very quickly and has only one real offensive spell , Sunbolt . Rob is playing a mercenary / guard assigned to mage 's guild . During Divolick 's rule the Guild of Arcane Lore who for all its years of existence remained neutral in political matters . Now the guild allies itself the regent and was used extensively in the war . As part of this arrangement Divolick made assigned a portion of the mercenary guild to protect mages and are paid very well for it . And so our little party is born . With their character made and their professions and likes and dislikes created , I made a more extensive background for each character . I little family history , developed friends and allies , rivals and enemies . Both have a little of both . I do this so it feels like their characters have existed in this world before they started rolling dice . And it provides a little fodder for future adventures . Now my part as GM is to develop that introduction adventure . And I am going to say it right here , there is going to be a little railroading involved . That 's right , I said railroading in a sandbox campaign . Who may think they cannot coexist , but they can in the hands of a master GM . Well at least one who is doing anyway . I 'm going to jump into this one where the characters are in the middle of something . Wham ! In your face PCs ! Again , can 't say much because Dwayne and Rob are reading this blog carefully hoping I may give them a detail or two . So to prepare for this first adventure I 've had to re familiarize myself to GURPS . Its been a while since we 've played . And also I need to whip up a few NPCs I have outlined . This shouldn 't take long with the help of GURPS Character Assistant 4 . Probably one of the best tools for a game system ever . Have a great Monday . I am thinking it may be a long week because Rob and I are going to Origins this weekend . Still have to find a hotel . Man , too many things to do . I won 't go into all the arguments that have occurred in the past couple of weeks . Seems like things are settling down and of course when one of these dust ups occurs nothing changes and no one changes their mind . Just happens . Happens in all sections of life . Work , home and here on the blogosphere people get irritated and pissy . So here it is Free RPG Day , I was not feeling all that enthusiastic about it to begin with , but damn it I wasn 't going to miss it . I wanted to get my commemorative d6 . And who knows I might actually meet a cool gamer or two . So into the game store I go ( I won 't mention the name because I am not going to be too nice here in a few ) and at the counter is the gaming guy . This store is mainly a book store , but it has a decent gaming section and he is in charge of it . This gaming guy is about as irritating as they come . He 's one of those I have an opinion on everything especially about the things I don 't know about . If you 've been to the moon , he 's been there twice . He 's talking to two other gamers . " Goodman Games DCC is crap . He 's trying to be all ' old school ' " He did that little finger quote thing when he said old school . " The OSR is such lame shit . " Ya know , I try to be a nice guy . I really do , but sometimes things just don 't work out . So I ask gamer guy , " Have you ever played any of the old school games or the clones ? " Now there are so many things wrong with that statement I stood there for a second hoping he would laugh or give me the gotcha sign or something . Nope . Dead serious . Now , like this recent fray on the blogs , I knew speaking with gamer guy would be like going into a deep mineshaft without a lantern . No chance of changing his mind . So instead I addressed the two gamers . " If you guys are interested at all in playing some old school style gaming you can download the rules for free . * gave them S & W , LL , and Osric were the ones I could remember * There is a game just south of here we play twice a month , your welcome to join in any time you feel like it . It 's a great time . If you don 't like it it won 't cost ya a thing . " Also gave them my email if they had any questions . The two guys were interested , gave them some gaming blogs to read . I am not sure if that was the best thing considering the rants of late . The gamer guy actually tried to grab the paper I gave them . WTF Luckily the goof has the dexterity of a dog turd and nearly fell down . The two other guys laughed at him and left . Said they would give it a look . So now I am alone with gamer guy . He 's pissed and I still didn 't get to pick any of my free stuff yet . This was going to go well . I am thinking , I 'm going to get arrested today . And to tell you the truth , I was in a mood where I was okay with that . Fast forward ten minutes after looking at some other gaming stuff . I ended up buying Pazio 's Misfit Monsters . They always do a great job . Luckily for me and my arrest record gamer guy 's shift was over and the owner lady took over . I didn 't say anything about what happened to the owner because the gamer guy is her nephew . I ended up getting the Dragon Age quick start and Goodman Games DCC . What I failed to get . and one of the main things I wanted was a commemorative d6 for this year 's Free RPG day . I 'd gotten one for the past four years . So as I end this I will make a small plea to my readers who may have gotten an extra d6 , if you would like to trade for it or get a copy of something I wrote or you just want a little RPGNow credit I would love to trade for that elusive d6 . Ark over at Rather Gamey is getting a little tired of the negativity going around the blogs and I gotta say I am to . I love good discussions , but they have devolved into pettiness lately . So I am going support Ark by putting up Happy Trees . Here you go Ark . This tree is for you ! It 's that time again . Free RPG Day is coming this Saturday the 18th so make sure you check out the website and see which stores are active . To be honest though this is the first time in past three or four years that I 'm not planning my attack . Not that excited to see what I can score . Free RPG Day was one of the reason I came back to gaming and the join in on all the OSR goodness . So I am hoping that I get more in the mode closer to game time . Each year I manage to score a quick - start of this game or that and then I 've always gotten the commemorative 6 - sided die . This year I 'll probably go for Goodman 's DCC or Pazio 's Pathfinder . I 'll bring Ivy along so I can have her pick up an extra item for me . And if you have children I encourage you to use them also . It 's a good way to get out to your game store and maybe pick up a few items . I usually pick up something , but with Origins the next week I need to save some money , but who knows I may still pick up a set of dice . So last night was a last game with Rusty for a while . Our party managed to find the important things . Though the adventure was built for six to eight players and three of them being fighter we did okay with four of us , with one NPC fighter who got beat up pretty bad by a ghoul . I won 't go into much detail as not to spoil the plot for the beginning of the Splinters of Faith series , but be prepared for a lot of round rooms . The group discussed what we wanted to do next . Everyone seems to have d20 fatigue so we are going back to GURPS . I think for our group its always been the system of choice , for better or worse it fits us . I will be GMing this time around which I am excited about . Wasn 't sure if I would be , but the more we talked about it the more ideas that came to my head . Now just because we are playing GURPS does not mean I am not going to mine the shit out of OSR products . Oh no , I plan on having a large pick - ax going to town . Plus , Rob runs another Swords & Wizardry game on the side so I might do a few pick - up games there so I can throw a d20 . While GURPS is a great system and has some of the best historical supplement books , the one thing it lacks , nah , I will even say sucks at is adventures and creatures . Though they are making head way in this area SJG isn 't about to expend resources on an ehhh selling product right now when they are riding the baloney pony of Munchkin all the way to the bank . But with the Dungeon Fantasy series and recent release of Low Tech ( which is interesting , but it makes me think too much ) and Monster Hunters at least it doesn 't feel abandon . This week the guys will make their characters . Rob I think will be playing a city guard / mercenary spear man . Dwayne has not unveiled his guy yet . As a GM all I asked was they make the characters and figure out some back story on how they know each other and make them compatible . Two man adventuring party leaves little room for error . I 'll be using the Majestic Wilderlands as a setting . I always tell Rob that think of it as a alternate universe from his own . Since it was such quick notice it works out because of the history we have with it and there are several threads we can pick up on and get into depth without putting too much effort into it . All of us know the Majestic Wilderlands , cultures , politics and legends . So no need to feed the players information the only thing that needs monitoring sometimes is knowledge they would not know . Back to the OSR connection , I plan on going through some adventures , supplements and blogs and getting some good information gathered I can use . Good gaming stuff doesn 't have a system boundary , it 'll work anywhere . Print PDF So I get up this morning not feeling so swell , read a few blogs and choke down a slice and then two peices of toast . Dog is wild , jumping around grabbing everything including my damn socks . I 'm thinking , man dog , not the socks . Feed the dog , kiss the wife and head out the door with slightly moist socks . It 's only Monday and I am already snarling at the week . It could be worse and it does . Tonight is gaming night , but the last one with our crew of four . Rusty need to bow out for a while . Maybe something can be worked out , but he 's got his got stuff to do right now and gaming is way low on that priority list . Has to be . Real life , annoying as it is , stands in the front of the line and gaming has to be patient . Rob , Dwayne and I will continue on with another campaign although I am not sure when or which one . I think its my turn to GM , but who knows . Out of all of us I GM the least . Rusty just started us into the Splinters of Faith adventure series . Rolondo will need to retire before he 's realized . Then this got me to thinking about old characters and some recent blogs I 've read about not bothering to name a character because they will be rolling up a new one . In a later blog I plan on going over some of my old characters that I remember . Should be a cool walk down memory lane . I am not one who retells character stories over and over again so taking a look back should be fun . Lunchtime is over . Time to return to work and get some stuff done . There is gamng tonight . Which is good . I go home to a good wife . Which is the best . And my socks are now dry . Which is a bonus . I 've always found the folklore surrounding crossroads fascinating . Some say it 's a symbol of a choice between good and evil , others describe it as the intersection of the physical and spiritual . And of course one of my favorites is a story where the man went to the crossroads to sell his soul so he could learn how to play guitar . In mythology you have the Greek goddess Hecate ruling over the crossroads . And its no coincidence that she was also the goddess of the night . All that 's great and good , but how can we make this simple location something a little more interesting besides a choice in which direction to go ? One of the old customs was to execute and / or bury criminals and suicides at the crossroads . This was done so that when the restless spirits that were not permitted to be buried in consecrated ground would not know which way to go to get back to town , thus eliminating that chance of revenge . Teutonic knights constructed altars and performed human sacrifices at the crossroads . There is also a good chance that gallows would be constructed there to execute the criminals . Some cultures believe if you want to acquire a certain skill one needs to visit the crossroads a number of times at certain times then you will meet the devil / spirit and he will give you a skill . In game there might be some evil spirit living there to make deal with those who show they are serious . The spirit will not just grant skills to someone who would waste the skill , when the spirit claim the soul they want a greater soul . Someone who will become more than the skill he was given therefore there is a profit for the spirit . This is just a small taste of what a simple location can become , a rich environment for your game . Here is an impromptu random encounter table . No details are given for creatures or people . Just a little atmosphere text that can be crunched up by the GM if he or she so chooses . Three bodies hang from a large barren tree just beyond the crossroads . The temperature drops and it begins to rain . When the players near the tree lightning flashes and the tree is gone as the thunder rumbles above . A man sits on a rock just off the crossroad chewing on a piece of grass . He nods and smiles . Sun beats down and he sips from a clay jar at his side . " Time for drinking . " He says not looking at the players . He 's watches the road , " It 'll be coming soon enough . No time for drinking then . " If asked he will chuckle . " If you stick around , you 'll find out . " If the players take a sip from his jar they must make a save vs . poison . On a failed save the player will see steam rising from one of the roads and flames will flare out from the ground . A tree trunk is decorated as a crude altar . The one side is covered with candles , wax coats most of the bark . A couple of baskets to the side are stained with blood and covered with flies . Twenty - two shriveled hearts with two more on the way . If the players wait around long enough they will meet Walter , a large , but simple man . He 's got a man thrown over his shoulder , arms and legs tied . A large skinning knife in his hand . " I got one left after this one and I won 't be a bother to anyone . I got to do this before the night comes in . " Walter won 't explain . His home is nearby , which is no mare than a lean to . He 's got a woman unconscious tied to the tree . All around Walter 's home ropes lay at the base of trees where he kept the others . Two poles are pounded into the ground in the center of the crossroads . A string of skulls hangs off of one pole , while another string lies on the ground . If the players come through at night they will see one of the skulls as a dim green glow coming from inside . The first player who touches it will hear a voice in his head . The green glow will vanish to the other players . " What do you want ? " The spirit will know where to find it or learn it . If the player rejects the question the spirit will leave . If the player makes a deal with the spirit is will bind with the player 's . A woman runs across the road screaming about demons and love . Her eyes are wide and wild . If the players stop her they will see her ears have been cauterized shut . The longer the players restrain her the more hysterical she will become . From the distance the players hear the sound of a sustained musical note . Animals run in panic from the music . Images of lost love ones , friends and enemies start appearing . Some look like they remembered them , some look torn and tortured . The fog lies low and thick . The ground wet and slow . The players smell sulfur in the breeze . An empty gallows sits off a ways , looking too new , too well built for a place like this . A place of neither here nor there . Up ahead smoke drifts into the air and smell of sulfur grows stronger . A man dressed in fine dark leathers paces the crossroads , he hums as he walks . When he sees the players approach he shakes his head . " It ain 't time . I 'll see you when you 're ready . I 'll be here . " A horse charges out of no where , the man bounds into the saddle and rides off . A large old oak tree stands guard at the crossroads . Something moves in the breeze that 's nailed to the trunk . Skin . Someone 's skin hangs by a nail . No one and nothing else around . Additional Note : Paul over at Quickly , Quietly , Carefully has added another bit of legend to the crossroads . Print PDF " That my friends is one big ass gelatinous cube , Murry the Elf looked down into the pit where Bill the Uncomely had just taken a header . Bill kicked his little feet , but his efforts only managed to sink him deeper . " I got dibs on his Ring of Protection . " Terry the Paniced ran around the edge of the pit with his arms over his head . " OMG , somebody do something . " His voice echoed through the dungeon corridors , hallways , passageways and other synonyms . " We 've got to do something ! " He stopped for a moment and glanced into the pit . " OMG ! " Choke the Codpiece shook his head . " Shut the little fucker up before he attracts every hairy brown eye in the place . " Choke hefted his obscenely large crossbow . " I got this . " He took aim into the pit , but the angle cause the bolt to fall out of the crossbow and land on top of the cube . " Son of a . . . that was a magical bolt " Choke pulled out his gargantuan axe , " Why don 't you girls fight later . Let 's get this sorry bastard out of the pit before he gets vomited out . Even a gelatinous cube has got to have standards . " And that 's all I have . I have to go to work . Weekend it almost here so have fun or I shall chop you to pieces ! Print PDF Wow , yesterday was sick as hell . Not that you guys need to know that , but was working on some write ups for the blog . I enjoy doing the Villains , S & W style and thought of a few stand by baddies I like to have . I am sure we all have our favorites that get introduced into different games . One of mine is Opulus . A cranky old priest with ideas of his own . 7th level Cleric Opulus is an elder priest in the temple of Delaquain . He does little in the way of direct service to the people , but is a high ranking adviser the directs temple policy . In his eyes the temple has moved away from its initial mission which is to serve the Gynorian people , but with being accepted into the whole , respectability , and more say on what goes on the temple has moved towards a tolerance toward all races and cultures . Opulus believes this is a waste of resources . He believes the temples exists to use and expand its resources for its own people . The other races and cultures have their own gods and temples let them suckle them to oblivion . When Opulus has been present at public temples he has been known to casts geas on those he believes are taking advantage of the temple . Often the geas he sends them on cause the person 's death because the quest is beyond the person 's capabilities . Opulus believes the only reason they failed is they did not have enough faith . The temple of Delaquain has kept this fact hidden for years and Opulus has been admonished because of it . Yet he cannot be remove from his position because it is a lifetime commitment . The temple is fractured . Opulus has a small , but zealous group that believes the temple should return to serving their own . While the main body of the temple wishes to integrate itself further into the culture . The popularity of Delaquain has never been so high . Opulus continues to use his influence within the temple to bring the the fall of those who do not believe in what he believes . He would rather see the walls burn than have them desecrated by outsiders . Dwayne over at The Gamers Closet just finished his second set of dungeon tiles . Now these are not those sissy print on cardstock or cardboard flip maps . No , no . These tiles where made with POWER tools . Real wood . Real primer and paint . These are man tiles . You could use a wall section to knock out that annoying player in the group . I think Dwayne even spilled real blood on some of them . Go check them out . The blood , it 's everywhere ! I 'd almost forgotten my little score over my vacation . Being a sucker for weird dice I saw Cthulhu Dice ( which is a misrepresentation since there is only one die . . . should be Cthulhu Die , but I guess that would be confusing to because the game isn 't about killing Cthulhu its about keeping your sanity or losing your sanity , making others lose their sanity while the dark water rises in the night and the city not seen in ten thousand years glimmers in the blood moon of the thirteen month as the reality catches on fire and peels away in black curling strips ) . I failed my roll . I have to go now . Yesterday Christian had a lousy time during his game session . Christian and two other gamers in the group were not happy with the way the GM was running things . Christian tried to solve the problem via email , but nothing changed . So he voiced his displeasure at the game table . . . I don 't know how close of a relationship he and his DM had , but in the blog Christian said he considers the GM a friend . Of course there are friends that hang with and there are friends that you share your life with . His blog made me consider the dynamics in our group . It will be the National Enquirer Edition of our group . Our main group consists of 4 guys . Dwayne ( Gamer 's Closet ) I 've been friends with for 33 years no . Oh my god , I shouldn 't have done the math . Rob ( Bat in the Attic ) I 've been friends with for 25 years . And Rusty ( formerly of the Rusty Battle Axe ) is the newb of the group and I can safely say I 've been friends with him for 2 years now . I give you this background to give a bit of perspective of the longevity of our group . Rob is our main GM and so he gets most of our abuse . Because we 've gamed for so long together I have no problem telling Rob or Dwayne what I am not liking . The one example I can give is last campaign Rob ran a handful of canned modules and they got boring . I told Rob I didn 't like them and the fact that we sorta knew them by heart didn 't help . You just don 't run White Plume Mountain will old gamers without changing it around . And here 's a very good thing about Rob , he take criticism very well . He doesn 't take it too personal and he 'll often ask for suggestions . If Dwayne has done something I 'm not too fond of I will let him know . Again , he is good at taking suggestions . There may be times when arguments occur and they do between Rob and Dwayne , but no matter what , on Monday night we will be sitting around the computer playing a game together . We 've gotten to a point in our lives that we realize how important it is to dedicate a small time of each week to one another . It is so easy to let gaming slide and before you know a couple of years have past . I don 't schedule anything on Monday nights because to me it belongs to my gaming group . The interesting thing is Rusty being our new guy to the group , it feels like he 's been there all along . I don 't think he got through the first night before we started making fun of him . And he got in a few good shots himself . But I also feel if I didn 't like something Rusty was doing I would have no problem telling him . All this is good and great , but what happens if you run into a situation like Christian where the GM wants to run the game his way despite the playerPosted by Enik and the Sleestak wearing the necklace confer with the great spirits on how much money they will need for Origins gaming convention in a couple weeks . Enik asks , " What if that dude from the Game Science Dice is there ? " Ancestor replies , " You will have to buy a set . Just don 't put them into your pocket they are very pointy . " Enik asks , " What if they have . . . " Ancestor interrupts , " Enik , you have been in that pylon too long . Go to the convention and have fun and stop being a fricking cupcake will ya . " Rob ( Bat in the Attic ) and I are seriously considering heading to Origins this year . It 's coming up quick at the end of the month and we 'd go for Saturday the 25th . Admission fee is only $ 5 . Ton of exhibitors which I am sure will make my side total for the year skyrocket . It 's about a 4 hour drive one way which is not too bad . We 'd probably try and find a place within an hour of the convention center and hit it early in the morning and then head home that evening . I 've never been to one of the big conventions . Just local ones . Some of those are pretty hit or miss . No one shows up to play or the GM does not show ( not just talking about you Jason : P ) . Origins is one of the biggies and I think would be great to go . I 'll have to plan better next year , try to sign up for some of the games and get more involved . As of now though , still not sure if I 'll go . Have to coordinate things with Rob and make sure my credit card isn 't on the verge of melting . The North Texas Convention is in full swing and I am stuck in NW PA with Rob . But his Majestic Wilderlands has been nominated for the 3 Castles Award . I told Rob I would send him some good mojo today and I will keep my promise . Here are some random pictures of what I found when I googled good mojo . Good luck Rob , I hope you bring home a cool ass trophy . I was at a Borders I now need to drive over an hour to get to and despite the drive I really like it . I found this book in the journal section and thought it was absolutely perfect for gaming . My initial thought is to use it for our Monday Night games for my character and journal the entire campaign . I am also planning on buying a couple more for other things that I haven 't even thought of yet . Anyway here are a few pictures of the book with a little help from Sleestak Sammy . And the cool thing is it is all graph paper baby . So I can use it for notes , sketches and dungeon layouts . Now in my mind this will be cool as hell , but in reality it might just turn out to be a huge dinosaur sized turd . But I really dig the graph paper pages . May has come and gone quickly and this will probably be my last sales report for Knowledge Illuminates , but I will be updating the its page on the header above . When Starter Adventures comes out I 'll do another monthly sales report . One of the things I did this month was to sign up for Your Games Now , another PDF store run by Joseph Browning of Expeditious Retreat Press and the blog Sorcery & Super Science ! Trying to branch out into other stores and looking for some others . Well the numbers for May are tiny . Sold 4 total and 2 out of the 3 One - Page Dungeon Contest winners have gotten their prizes . That brings up these totals .
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Things have been quiet around her for about a week but they 're about to get a whole lot more interesting . The Pure Michigan 400 is coming up this weekend and I 've got tickets . I 'm going to drive down and pick up John then we 're going to head over to MIS and make a weekend of it . There 's a shooting range nearby and we 've reserved one of the private sections for half a day on Friday . Then , it 's beer and racing . Pure heaven . Suzi will be back from Phoenix next Monday , then we get back to our normal schedule . Remember , shoot me a note if you want to come up and have a crack at her . I 'm hoping some of you either caught the live broadcasts or have a subscription to get the playbacks because they were amazing . They hooked Suzi up with some freaky fantasy geek and gave him forty - eight hours with her . Everything was broadcast live and videotaped . Let me go back a step and explain this . Last September , just about a year ago now , was when I put up the first of our three websites . It was just Suzi - calling herself Crystal - parading around in lingerie , masturbating , and doing live voice chats with guys for a couple of dollars a minute . The second website was her as Lexi and it was all latex and bondage gear and spankings with paddles and lightweight floggers . You know , those ones with a bunch of soft leather straps that raise the blood to the surface of the skin but don 't really hurt ? It was pretty popular but I 'm just not into that stuff , so we didn 't put up much new stuff and it just kind of petered out . The third time was the charm . By then , we 'd established a pretty good stable of guys who were willing to be taped fucking my wife 's ass and have it sold on the website . There were over a dozen guys . White , black . Latino , Asians , all pretty good looking and all pretty well hung . I think part of the kick for them was showing off their package . I put my wife out there as Alexa the Ass Whore and membership and revenue shot way up . It was perfect , I was " between jobs " and I was only bringing in a couple of hundred a week pimping her out at bars . The third week the website was up , we broke a thousand dollars in memberships and there was no end in sight . Then I lost my camera and sound guys . I tried it myself but the work was shit . I thought about going off to hire some new guys but by then , we were getting more offers to travel - - this was before the California and Germany trips . So , that one trickled off too . I listed all three of them for sale on some of the adults sites but didn 't get any takers . Until about May . A couple of Australians living in Arizona made me an offer and I went for it . I was stupid enough not to sign up for a percentage , I was pretty sure the sites were dead so I settled for a couple of thousand dollars to turn over the websites and all the pictures and movies . Late in July , the contacted me again asking for more content . I sent them a few videos I 'd taken and about a gig of photos . They didn 't want the photos , they were all about live action . So , they made me an offer . They 'd fly Suzi down to Phoenix and record for ten days for a flat rate of five - thousand dollars plus expenses . We negotiated a bit . On my side , I set boundaries like : no piercings , no tattoos , no blood , no broken bones , and no kids . They agreed quickly and outlined their own set of boundaries . I had to accept that they might do any of a list of things to my wife and I wasn 't to press charges or otherwise object . It was quite a list and really opened my eyes up to what they wanted to do with the website . If I recall , the list included gangbangs , caning , whipping , girl - girl , enemas , head shaving , stretching both holes with whatever they could think of , and some lighter weight stuff like hard bondage and electricity . I told them that , other than stretching her asshole out , we were OK . I wanted complete control of her asshole and they were OK with that . They sent me bits of video the first few days so I could get a feel for where they were going . They took a lot of shots for the Crystal site and had her record some sexy bits they could sell and let guys jerk off to . The second and third days were all dedicated to the Alexa site . Karl was very proud of his organizing skills and sent me their shooting schedule . He 'd hired three different pairs of camera - and - sound guys to work in rotation . His goal was a little over forty hours of footage in two days . If they stayed on schedule , my wife 's ass was pounded nonstop by an average of six guys an hour . If my math 's right , that 's over two hundred guys in 2 days . I laughed , Karl was exaggerating or outright lying . Even Alexa - the blond earth mother from California with the big titties and an endless hunger for humiliation and anal sex - couldn 't handle that . The Big Event was going to broadcast live and videotaped for forty - eight hours on Wednesday and Thursday , beginning exactly at midnight Wednesday morning . It was a little crazy too because that meant - if they 'd stayed on schedule - Suzi would have had less than eight hours sleep in the last two days . I took in a movie on Tuesday night but couldn 't focus on it . I went down to the bar for a few beers , ran into Ed and Joey , talked about my wife 's trip to Phoenix , had some burgers . I told them about the webcast that was starting tonight and they nearly crapped . When I got home , there was an email with a PDF attached from Karl . It was an outline of what this geek wanted them to shoot . Twenty - two pages . I opened a Bud and sat down to read it . It was the scenario for the live action shoot and it was fucking twisted . If they put up even half of the scenery to shoot this thing the way it was written , they 'd have to have a whole hell of a lot of viewers and subscribers to make their money back . They were really banking on Suzi in a big way . I read his letter and found out I was wrong . The geek making the movie was putting up a ton of money . His name was David and he 'd made a ton of cash in the stock market . He wrote this story years ago and now finally had he money to film it . He 'd found an old sound stage , bought it and had it reworked to fit his story . He set up dozens of camera and a control room from which Karl and his team could select which shots went out into the live feed . Everything was recorded . I laughed at that . If Karl and his buddy were any good , they could recut and splice the different angles over and over and keep selling the same shoot for the next twenty years . I finished my beer and got up to get another one . I munched a few sticks of hunters sausage , the burger was good but I wasn 't full . I went back to my den and started reading the story . It was a future kind of story , like sci - fi . The people in charge - the geek called it the Council - had pretty much outlawed sex . Well , sex between couples . People could have all the sex they wanted but it had to be with convicted offenders , it had to be at least somewhat brutal , and was almost always done in public . This was their way of keeping the population under control . The prisoners were living , breathing cautionary tales of what would happen to them if they disobeyed any of the laws laid down by the Council . The way the geek wrote it , the logic underneath it made perfect sense . They 'd been raised all their lives to think that sex was dirty and bad , it always hurt , and it was punishment for breaking the law . It encouraged them to be as wild as they wanted to with the offenders and to be completely chaste in their relations with everyone else . And they didn 't just use sex for pleasure . In fact , that was almost never the case . They fucked and abused the prisoners when they were angry , or frustrated , or when they saw one who hadn 't been abused for a while and felt it was their civic duty to step up and do their part . The offenders didn 't have names , in fact there wasn 't even a formal title for them . The geek had to refer to them as ' offenders ' and ' prisoners ' in the script but in " real life " , they were just things , more like insects . Or maybe fish . They had no identity at all . People named their dogs and cats , horses , birds , but nobody named an ant or a trout . They were ranked three different ways : the type of fucking they were assigned to , how harshly they could be treated , and what level of animal they were . I had to read that over a few times , the fucking geek had to complicate things . They always did . I turned to the last few pages and , just like you 'd expect from an egghead , he 'd put in a few pages of appendix . Some examples of their assignments . A Fuck Whore , High Level , Least Harsh had pretty much been sentenced to life as a high - class call girl . They paraded around the Commons or sat in bars and lounges dressed in expensive , very sexy ( but not slutty ) outfits and were very very competent at handjobs , blowjobs , and fucking . They also took it up the ass , but most men who wanted that went to an Ass Whore . There were Pain Whores , Ass Whores , Animal Whores , he 'd written up about a dozen different categories . Then , there were the Levels . That was the most confusing because it was pretty much just " who could you fuck ? " They were pretty simple . Same sex , opposite sex , both . There were both men and women prisoners , so that made sense . Then , checkboxes for humans , dogs , horses , and a very disturbing list of other non - human creatures that I just skipped over . It was really fucked up that even the dog and horse categories had checkboxes for male , female , and both . Finally , the harshness levels . They went all the way from Least Harsh - which meant maybe a playful swat on the ass during a blowjob - to snuff . There was a note in big black letters that anything that included blood , piercing , or any other permanent damage or even modification had to be approved in writing by the Council . I put down the paper and took a drink of my beer . Did people really think like this ? That he could invent a whole world like that ? Then I remembered they had me read 1984 my junior year in high school - - just before I dropped out - - and it didn 't sound too different . The torture scene at the end was the most horrible thing I could imagine , it kept me up for a week . Maybe this guy had read it too . I went back to the outline and saw on the last page that Suzi / Alexa was going to be an Ass Whore , humans ( both sexes ) and dogs ( both sexes ) and Moderate Harsh , the middle of seven levels . I saw that " horses ( both sexes ) " had been checked but erased . I was shocked that made my cock hard and I dropped the report on the floor . These fucking perverts were having an effect on me . I got up and went into the kitchen and poured a shot of whiskey , then a second . Fucking asshole must have been from California . All the perverts live out there . Or New Fucking York . I took a frozen burrito out of the freezer and tossed it in the microwave , watched it turn around and sizzle and pop . Nothing worked . When I sat down , my cock was still hard . I picked up the outline again and looked at the clock . Eleven thirty . I loaded up the website but it was the same as it had been since yesterday when I got the email . A split screen image of what looked like a small town in the Middle Ages . One was a bird 's - eye view of the courtyard , tamped dirt with a single wooden post in the middle . There was a circle of benches and a big water trough around the outside . The other was the inside of a small cell . The walls were hewn rock and there was nothing but a single wooden bed and a barred window . The cell was empty , the door open . The more of the story I read , the more my cock throbbed and the more it shocked me . I didn 't think this way . I was an old - fashioned suck and fuck kind of guy and this thing was on a whole new level . I was a little bothered that I was liking it so much , picturing Suzi out there in the Commons , thinking of myself as a watcher circling around , sipping a cold brew while they went to town on her . I caught myself rubbing my cock and stopped . I wanted to save that for midnight when the feed went live . I clicked onto the website at eleven forty - five and saw that things had changed . There were a few people milling around in the Commons . Three men and two women , all dressed like people in those movies about the Middle Ages . Witch hunters or the villagers in the Frankenstein movies . It was creepy . A dog ran across the yard , stopped and sniffed at the pole , then moved on . I felt my stomach churn . Was a dog really going to fuck my wife tonight ? Live ? On an internet video feed ? Then , movement on the other screen caught my eye . Someone , a big , side of beef looking guy in a guard 's outfit and leather hood , was leading a woman into the cell . Her wrists were shackled with big iron manacles and she was wearing a tattered peasant 's dress . Her head was shaved completely bald and her face was tattooed . I couldn 't make out the tattoo in the dark room but I could see enough of her face to recognize her . It was my wife . What the fuck had I sent her into ? The crowd was gathering in the Commons , men and women in pairs and small groups , laughing and pointing at the pole , most with drinks in their hands , a few chewing on a turkey leg or a hunk of bread . Some of the women were carrying baskets of what looked like fruit . Some brought dogs . When they let them off their ropes , they ran around the pole , sniffing it and each other , barking and nipping as they ran in circles . I powered up my laptop and set it beside my tower monitor . I surfed to one of the other links Karl sent . It had a set of buttons on the right hand side that let me choose which camera was active . I wanted to look back on my wife in the cell . The guard had left her alone and pulled the cell door shut . She fell over sideways and curled up on her side on the bench . I could see the seat of her dress was soaking wet and stained brown . The same stains ran down the back of both legs . I wondered if they were going to leave her like that . I wondered if they were going to take her out into the Commons like that . My computer beeped and I saw Karl was uploading files to their FTP site . I opened the email he sent . It included the password to the FTP server and a short recap of the shoot . My wife had been ass fucked by one hundred eighty two different men over thirty six hours , dozens of them twice . Karl 's notes listed a total of two hundred and nine separate ass fucks . They gave her a ten minute break every few hours to get a drink of water or to pee if she needed to . He was uploading the raw footage and promised me an edited version as soon as he could get to it . I went into the kitchen and got another beer . I was a little bit weak in the knees , this was more than I 'd bargained for . I twisted off the top and threw it in the trash . Two hundred fucks . Her ass would be blown out completely . She 'd be useless . What was I thinking ? And now she was about to go on to the Big Event , as Karl called it . How the hell was two hundred loads of cum up her ass NOT the Big Event ? The phone rang . It was Karl , he wanted to make sure I was watching . He asked if I 'd read his emails and if everything was still like we agreed . Did I want to back out ? He said things were going to escalate and he wanted to give me one last chance . I looked at the monitors . On the one , I saw a hooded figure standing outside the door of my wife 's cell . She was still curled on the bench , her back to the camera , her clothes soaked from the waist down with the ooze from her brutalized asshole . On the other monitor , the crowd had grown to about a hundred . There was a line of about eight Enforcers in a ring around the pole , keeping the crowd back . Just like at a rock concert . My wife was going to be fuckin ' famous . Fuckin ' famous . I laughed at that . The door to the cell swung opened quickly and my wife raised her head . The guard grabbed her by the arm and pulled her to her feet . He dragged her roughly down the hallway and I shifted camera angle , watched him stop for a minutes and unlock the shackles from her wrists , then push her in front of him out the big wooden doors that led into the courtyard . On the other monitor , the crowd went wild . " Fresh meat ! " " An Ass Whore ! " " It 's about fucking time ! " " And a Low Order ! " " Flog her ! " " Get the dogs out ! " I moved my mouse and zoomed in on my wife 's face . She was doing her best to look terrified but she was all fascination and curiosity . My cock got stiff just looking at her face . Her face . I have to tell you about her face . They 'd tattooed a woman 's body on her face . A woman 's body . The head started just above her forehead , at the hairline . The woman 's arms were wrapped around my wife 's temples , hands grabbing drawn - on bits of hair . spine paralleled her nose , her eyelids - - when she closed them - - were tattooed with big titties . But the most fascinating part of the design was the ass . The woman 's ass was tattooed across my wife 's lower lip , the thighs up her cheeks , knees underneath the bottom eyelids , then feet tucked back up under . And they 'd tattooed down the center of her mouth , right on the lips . With her lips closed and slightly puckered , her mouth became an asshole . It was brilliant and intensely humiliating . The rest of her head was tattooed with " Ass Slut " " Cunt " " BlowJob Whore " and assorted other filth . Another woman , just a torso , was tattooed on the back of her head , legs spread wide and a pink pussy opening just at the based of her skull , the trapezius muscles forming the lips . The guard pushed her through the crowd who parted obediently . " Let us at her ! " " Get her on her knees for the dogs ! " " Bring her out the barn ! " the crowd yelled , waving and throwing bits of dirt and food at her . Some of the women spit on her , the men were holding their crotches and rocking their hips . " Come on , honey , come ride this one , baby ! " I leaned forward and picked up my Bud . It was still cold . I took a drink and adjusted the cameras again so I could watch a long shot and a closeup at the same time . Just like having two TVs for the Indy 500 . I wondered if all hundred of them were going to fuck her . I thought I might shoot off an email to Karl to make sure they all fucked her ass , but I grinned . No way he 'd forget that . " Ass Whore , " the guard was reading from a parchment while my wife stood beside him , head hanging down , hands crossed in front of her . " Humans , both sexes . " His voice got louder now . " Dogs , both sexes . " Suzi didn 't flinch . I was so proud of her . " Dogs , male and female , " he repeated again , even louder . A roar went up from the crowd and then there was a commotion from up the street . They all turned their heads . Three men were running down the street toward the pole , herding a dozen big , barking dogs in front of them . Mostly Rottweilers , Mastiffs , and Shepherds , all big , healthy , and eager to fuck . I couldn 't tell if they were all males . I really got excited imagining her with a bitch or two . How sick is that ? Thinking about my wife 's tongue licking a bitch 's pussy turned me on . Damn . I took another drink . " And Moderate Harsh , " he announced finally . The crowd cheered again and more bits of mud and food flew through the air , pelting my wife and landing around her feet . " There will be devices left here at the base of the pole for you to use . " He picked up a six - foot bullwhip and snapped it in the air . " Remember , citizens , we are counting on you ! Enjoy yourselves . " Another cheer , men and women jumping up and down , waving their fists in the air . " Let 's see the whore ! " " Tie her to the post ! " " Get her on her knees ! " They roar got louder and I couldn 't make out what half of them were saying . The Enforcer kept a stern look on his face as he rolled up the parchment and shoved it under his belt . The crowd got quiet as he stepped behind my wife and twisted a single button at the back of the neck . He slid the button through the hole and the dress fell to the ground , leaving her completely naked . The crowd went wild , jumping and cheering and pointing at her . Her whole body was covered with obscene tattoos , every inch of her except for her hands and three triangular patches , two on her chest , one on her back . The most obvious tattoo was a huge cock up the front of her body . The head was about five inches around , big and purplish just at the base of her neck , a stream of cum shooting upward into the ass - mouth of the face tattoo . The shaft ran down the middle of her belly and the insides and front of both of her thighs was tattooed with huge , hairy balls . It was disgusting and horrible . It turned me on to imagine her sitting in the chair getting the tattoo , them probably making her watch in the mirror as her beautiful flesh was turned into a sick , obscene billboard , a circus poster for fucking . I rotated and zoomed the camera and saw that the rest of her body was decorated with some words but mostly figures of bodies fucking . As I looked closer , I saw that the women in the tattoos weren 't just fucking men . There were tattoos of women mounted by dogs , from behind and face to face . One tattoo on her left shoulder blade was a woman hThe crowd was closing in , pointing and staring at the filthy pictures on my wife 's naked body . The guard put his hand up again and the crowd went quiet . Well trained , obedient fucks , weren 't they ? " These three areas , " he pointed to my wife 's chest , " are for special occasions . " This first , " he touched a triangular area on her right titty , " will get a special tattoo when she fucks her first dog . And this one , " he pointed the the same area on her left , " is to celebrate her first horse . " He turned her around and showed an open patch at the bottom of her spine , just above where her ass cheeks met . " And this , " he bent her over and made her pull her cheeks apart . I could see that they 'd tattooed even that closed crease of flesh . There was a stream of letters that led from the blank spot to her asshole . It read " flush your cum here " and ended with a spiral of blue ink that led into her ass . I heard his voice . " Push . " My wife did something and I could see her anus opening . It was the most obscene thing I 'd ever seen . I flicked the control on the other screen and zoomed in on her face . The humiliation was intense , she was crying in a way I rarely saw . This really got to her . I looked back at the other monitor . She 'd managed to open herself even further and push out more of her insides . And they were blue . These freaks had tattooed INSIDE her asshole . The pain must have been horrible . The Enforcer motioned for her to stand straight , then put his hand back on the blank spot . " She will earn her greatest tattoo here when she has fucked one hundred dogs and one hundred horses . " The crowd went wild , the dogs circling and barking , the Enforcers kicking them back with their boots . " Up against the post , " the Enforcer said . My wife turned and grabbed the pole with both hands . He pushed the top of her chest flat against it , then spread her legs and pulled her hips back and downward , making her squat uncomfortably , ass and cunt exposed and open , offering her backside to anyone who wanted it , face pressed hard against the wooden post , big titties hanging free . I looked at my wife there , completely naked , tattooed and spread open in the middle of a crowd of over a hundred men and women and started stroking my cock . I wanted to be there , to be the first to fuck her up the ass while she clung to that pole for dear life . A dog was sniffing at her crotch already , licking her ass with his big tongue . Another dog , a bigger , dark Doberman , barked at him and he growled but backed off . The Doberman sniffed her ass and cunt , turned and raised his leg and pissed a stream on her left calf . " He 's marking his territory ! " The crowd laughed and cheered . " You 're gonna be Rocky 's bitch tonight , hey ? " " Not till we have a shot at her . " " Yeah , I don 't wanna fuck her after she 's done the dogs ! " I adjusted the camera angle and caught her face , she was grinding her face against the post , feeling the wood scratch her flesh , her hips circling obscenely behind her , humping the air . " Bitch is turned on ! " " Yeah , they found a real sick one this time ! " " Come on , let 's fuck her while she 's still part human ! " The crowd pressed in on her now . One of them started to fuck her up the ass , while two more went around the pole and picked up clamps and weights and attached them to her nipples , twisting the clamps tight and hanging heavier and heavier weights on her until her titties and nipples couldn 't stretch anymore . They , they started swinging them with their fingers , listening to her moan and watching her fuck harder , yelling at whoever had his cock in her to fuck faster and deeper . When she came , her body jerked and spasmed and the weights swung around , clattering against the pole , sending new waves of pain through her that made her scream and clench her ass tighter around whoever was fucking her now . The crowd blurred into one big , non - stop ass fuck , my wife clutching the post for support , squatting deeper and deeper either from exhaustion or lust . I couldn 't tell and it didn 't matter . I just wished I was there . After about three hours , they got tired of fucking her and made her crawl around the courtyard on her hands and knees , dragging the weights in the dirt . One of the men put her in a dog collar and led her around . She left a trail of mud behind her , the cum dripping down the insides of her legs and knees , her shins and feet stirring it as she crawled . When he came around full circle , he had her press her face in the dirt , mouth open , scooping up and swallowing the mess she 'd made . By the time he came back around to the pole , her chin and cheeks were caked with mud . Several of them gathered around and untied their pants . She shook her head weakly and muttered , " no , no . . . " as they started spraying her down . " We 'll teach her to drink it later . " " Yeah , she 's got the whole rest of her life to learn . " They laughed and tilted their cocks , adjusting their streams to make sure every inch of her body was soaked with piss . I looked at the clock . It was nearly four in the morning . I was getting tired and I knew Karl and his friends were taping everything anyway . Plus , this golden showers shit never turned me on . It 's for those sicko bastards on the Coast . Now , the dogs I might be able to get into . I 'd never really thought about it , but now that I 'd watched then sniffing my wife 's ass and especially after that one peed on her , I was interested . Leave it to them Aussies . Damn ! Sick motherfuckers . I flipped off the monitors and powered down the tower . I needed a good night 's sleep if I was going to get on the road to John 's and the race track on Friday . As I was brushing my teeth , the image of those tattoos came back into my head . I 'd told Karl not to tattoo her . What the fuck ? He 'd better have a fucking good explanation for that . I 'd call him in the morning after I 'd jerked off and got a good night 's sleep .
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Things have been quiet around her for about a week but they 're about to get a whole lot more interesting . The Pure Michigan 400 is coming up this weekend and I 've got tickets . I 'm going to drive down and pick up John then we 're going to head over to MIS and make a weekend of it . There 's a shooting range nearby and we 've reserved one of the private sections for half a day on Friday . Then , it 's beer and racing . Pure heaven . Suzi will be back from Phoenix next Monday , then we get back to our normal schedule . Remember , shoot me a note if you want to come up and have a crack at her . I 'm hoping some of you either caught the live broadcasts or have a subscription to get the playbacks because they were amazing . They hooked Suzi up with some freaky fantasy geek and gave him forty - eight hours with her . Everything was broadcast live and videotaped . Let me go back a step and explain this . Last September , just about a year ago now , was when I put up the first of our three websites . It was just Suzi - calling herself Crystal - parading around in lingerie , masturbating , and doing live voice chats with guys for a couple of dollars a minute . The second website was her as Lexi and it was all latex and bondage gear and spankings with paddles and lightweight floggers . You know , those ones with a bunch of soft leather straps that raise the blood to the surface of the skin but don 't really hurt ? It was pretty popular but I 'm just not into that stuff , so we didn 't put up much new stuff and it just kind of petered out . The third time was the charm . By then , we 'd established a pretty good stable of guys who were willing to be taped fucking my wife 's ass and have it sold on the website . There were over a dozen guys . White , black . Latino , Asians , all pretty good looking and all pretty well hung . I think part of the kick for them was showing off their package . I put my wife out there as Alexa the Ass Whore and membership and revenue shot way up . It was perfect , I was " between jobs " and I was only bringing in a couple of hundred a week pimping her out at bars . The third week the website was up , we broke a thousand dollars in memberships and there was no end in sight . Then I lost my camera and sound guys . I tried it myself but the work was shit . I thought about going off to hire some new guys but by then , we were getting more offers to travel - - this was before the California and Germany trips . So , that one trickled off too . I listed all three of them for sale on some of the adults sites but didn 't get any takers . Until about May . A couple of Australians living in Arizona made me an offer and I went for it . I was stupid enough not to sign up for a percentage , I was pretty sure the sites were dead so I settled for a couple of thousand dollars to turn over the websites and all the pictures and movies . Late in July , the contacted me again asking for more content . I sent them a few videos I 'd taken and about a gig of photos . They didn 't want the photos , they were all about live action . So , they made me an offer . They 'd fly Suzi down to Phoenix and record for ten days for a flat rate of five - thousand dollars plus expenses . We negotiated a bit . On my side , I set boundaries like : no piercings , no tattoos , no blood , no broken bones , and no kids . They agreed quickly and outlined their own set of boundaries . I had to accept that they might do any of a list of things to my wife and I wasn 't to press charges or otherwise object . It was quite a list and really opened my eyes up to what they wanted to do with the website . If I recall , the list included gangbangs , caning , whipping , girl - girl , enemas , head shaving , stretching both holes with whatever they could think of , and some lighter weight stuff like hard bondage and electricity . I told them that , other than stretching her asshole out , we were OK . I wanted complete control of her asshole and they were OK with that . They sent me bits of video the first few days so I could get a feel for where they were going . They took a lot of shots for the Crystal site and had her record some sexy bits they could sell and let guys jerk off to . The second and third days were all dedicated to the Alexa site . Karl was very proud of his organizing skills and sent me their shooting schedule . He 'd hired three different pairs of camera - and - sound guys to work in rotation . His goal was a little over forty hours of footage in two days . If they stayed on schedule , my wife 's ass was pounded nonstop by an average of six guys an hour . If my math 's right , that 's over two hundred guys in 2 days . I laughed , Karl was exaggerating or outright lying . Even Alexa - the blond earth mother from California with the big titties and an endless hunger for humiliation and anal sex - couldn 't handle that . The Big Event was going to broadcast live and videotaped for forty - eight hours on Wednesday and Thursday , beginning exactly at midnight Wednesday morning . It was a little crazy too because that meant - if they 'd stayed on schedule - Suzi would have had less than eight hours sleep in the last two days . I took in a movie on Tuesday night but couldn 't focus on it . I went down to the bar for a few beers , ran into Ed and Joey , talked about my wife 's trip to Phoenix , had some burgers . I told them about the webcast that was starting tonight and they nearly crapped . When I got home , there was an email with a PDF attached from Karl . It was an outline of what this geek wanted them to shoot . Twenty - two pages . I opened a Bud and sat down to read it . It was the scenario for the live action shoot and it was fucking twisted . If they put up even half of the scenery to shoot this thing the way it was written , they 'd have to have a whole hell of a lot of viewers and subscribers to make their money back . They were really banking on Suzi in a big way . I read his letter and found out I was wrong . The geek making the movie was putting up a ton of money . His name was David and he 'd made a ton of cash in the stock market . He wrote this story years ago and now finally had he money to film it . He 'd found an old sound stage , bought it and had it reworked to fit his story . He set up dozens of camera and a control room from which Karl and his team could select which shots went out into the live feed . Everything was recorded . I laughed at that . If Karl and his buddy were any good , they could recut and splice the different angles over and over and keep selling the same shoot for the next twenty years . I finished my beer and got up to get another one . I munched a few sticks of hunters sausage , the burger was good but I wasn 't full . I went back to my den and started reading the story . It was a future kind of story , like sci - fi . The people in charge - the geek called it the Council - had pretty much outlawed sex . Well , sex between couples . People could have all the sex they wanted but it had to be with convicted offenders , it had to be at least somewhat brutal , and was almost always done in public . This was their way of keeping the population under control . The prisoners were living , breathing cautionary tales of what would happen to them if they disobeyed any of the laws laid down by the Council . The way the geek wrote it , the logic underneath it made perfect sense . They 'd been raised all their lives to think that sex was dirty and bad , it always hurt , and it was punishment for breaking the law . It encouraged them to be as wild as they wanted to with the offenders and to be completely chaste in their relations with everyone else . And they didn 't just use sex for pleasure . In fact , that was almost never the case . They fucked and abused the prisoners when they were angry , or frustrated , or when they saw one who hadn 't been abused for a while and felt it was their civic duty to step up and do their part . The offenders didn 't have names , in fact there wasn 't even a formal title for them . The geek had to refer to them as ' offenders ' and ' prisoners ' in the script but in " real life " , they were just things , more like insects . Or maybe fish . They had no identity at all . People named their dogs and cats , horses , birds , but nobody named an ant or a trout . They were ranked three different ways : the type of fucking they were assigned to , how harshly they could be treated , and what level of animal they were . I had to read that over a few times , the fucking geek had to complicate things . They always did . I turned to the last few pages and , just like you 'd expect from an egghead , he 'd put in a few pages of appendix . Some examples of their assignments . A Fuck Whore , High Level , Least Harsh had pretty much been sentenced to life as a high - class call girl . They paraded around the Commons or sat in bars and lounges dressed in expensive , very sexy ( but not slutty ) outfits and were very very competent at handjobs , blowjobs , and fucking . They also took it up the ass , but most men who wanted that went to an Ass Whore . There were Pain Whores , Ass Whores , Animal Whores , he 'd written up about a dozen different categories . Then , there were the Levels . That was the most confusing because it was pretty much just " who could you fuck ? " They were pretty simple . Same sex , opposite sex , both . There were both men and women prisoners , so that made sense . Then , checkboxes for humans , dogs , horses , and a very disturbing list of other non - human creatures that I just skipped over . It was really fucked up that even the dog and horse categories had checkboxes for male , female , and both . Finally , the harshness levels . They went all the way from Least Harsh - which meant maybe a playful swat on the ass during a blowjob - to snuff . There was a note in big black letters that anything that included blood , piercing , or any other permanent damage or even modification had to be approved in writing by the Council . I put down the paper and took a drink of my beer . Did people really think like this ? That he could invent a whole world like that ? Then I remembered they had me read 1984 my junior year in high school - - just before I dropped out - - and it didn 't sound too different . The torture scene at the end was the most horrible thing I could imagine , it kept me up for a week . Maybe this guy had read it too . I went back to the outline and saw on the last page that Suzi / Alexa was going to be an Ass Whore , humans ( both sexes ) and dogs ( both sexes ) and Moderate Harsh , the middle of seven levels . I saw that " horses ( both sexes ) " had been checked but erased . I was shocked that made my cock hard and I dropped the report on the floor . These fucking perverts were having an effect on me . I got up and went into the kitchen and poured a shot of whiskey , then a second . Fucking asshole must have been from California . All the perverts live out there . Or New Fucking York . I took a frozen burrito out of the freezer and tossed it in the microwave , watched it turn around and sizzle and pop . Nothing worked . When I sat down , my cock was still hard . I picked up the outline again and looked at the clock . Eleven thirty . I loaded up the website but it was the same as it had been since yesterday when I got the email . A split screen image of what looked like a small town in the Middle Ages . One was a bird 's - eye view of the courtyard , tamped dirt with a single wooden post in the middle . There was a circle of benches and a big water trough around the outside . The other was the inside of a small cell . The walls were hewn rock and there was nothing but a single wooden bed and a barred window . The cell was empty , the door open . The more of the story I read , the more my cock throbbed and the more it shocked me . I didn 't think this way . I was an old - fashioned suck and fuck kind of guy and this thing was on a whole new level . I was a little bothered that I was liking it so much , picturing Suzi out there in the Commons , thinking of myself as a watcher circling around , sipping a cold brew while they went to town on her . I caught myself rubbing my cock and stopped . I wanted to save that for midnight when the feed went live . I clicked onto the website at eleven forty - five and saw that things had changed . There were a few people milling around in the Commons . Three men and two women , all dressed like people in those movies about the Middle Ages . Witch hunters or the villagers in the Frankenstein movies . It was creepy . A dog ran across the yard , stopped and sniffed at the pole , then moved on . I felt my stomach churn . Was a dog really going to fuck my wife tonight ? Live ? On an internet video feed ? Then , movement on the other screen caught my eye . Someone , a big , side of beef looking guy in a guard 's outfit and leather hood , was leading a woman into the cell . Her wrists were shackled with big iron manacles and she was wearing a tattered peasant 's dress . Her head was shaved completely bald and her face was tattooed . I couldn 't make out the tattoo in the dark room but I could see enough of her face to recognize her . It was my wife . What the fuck had I sent her into ? The crowd was gathering in the Commons , men and women in pairs and small groups , laughing and pointing at the pole , most with drinks in their hands , a few chewing on a turkey leg or a hunk of bread . Some of the women were carrying baskets of what looked like fruit . Some brought dogs . When they let them off their ropes , they ran around the pole , sniffing it and each other , barking and nipping as they ran in circles . I powered up my laptop and set it beside my tower monitor . I surfed to one of the other links Karl sent . It had a set of buttons on the right hand side that let me choose which camera was active . I wanted to look back on my wife in the cell . The guard had left her alone and pulled the cell door shut . She fell over sideways and curled up on her side on the bench . I could see the seat of her dress was soaking wet and stained brown . The same stains ran down the back of both legs . I wondered if they were going to leave her like that . I wondered if they were going to take her out into the Commons like that . My computer beeped and I saw Karl was uploading files to their FTP site . I opened the email he sent . It included the password to the FTP server and a short recap of the shoot . My wife had been ass fucked by one hundred eighty two different men over thirty six hours , dozens of them twice . Karl 's notes listed a total of two hundred and nine separate ass fucks . They gave her a ten minute break every few hours to get a drink of water or to pee if she needed to . He was uploading the raw footage and promised me an edited version as soon as he could get to it . I went into the kitchen and got another beer . I was a little bit weak in the knees , this was more than I 'd bargained for . I twisted off the top and threw it in the trash . Two hundred fucks . Her ass would be blown out completely . She 'd be useless . What was I thinking ? And now she was about to go on to the Big Event , as Karl called it . How the hell was two hundred loads of cum up her ass NOT the Big Event ? The phone rang . It was Karl , he wanted to make sure I was watching . He asked if I 'd read his emails and if everything was still like we agreed . Did I want to back out ? He said things were going to escalate and he wanted to give me one last chance . I looked at the monitors . On the one , I saw a hooded figure standing outside the door of my wife 's cell . She was still curled on the bench , her back to the camera , her clothes soaked from the waist down with the ooze from her brutalized asshole . On the other monitor , the crowd had grown to about a hundred . There was a line of about eight Enforcers in a ring around the pole , keeping the crowd back . Just like at a rock concert . My wife was going to be fuckin ' famous . Fuckin ' famous . I laughed at that . The door to the cell swung opened quickly and my wife raised her head . The guard grabbed her by the arm and pulled her to her feet . He dragged her roughly down the hallway and I shifted camera angle , watched him stop for a minutes and unlock the shackles from her wrists , then push her in front of him out the big wooden doors that led into the courtyard . On the other monitor , the crowd went wild . " Fresh meat ! " " An Ass Whore ! " " It 's about fucking time ! " " And a Low Order ! " " Flog her ! " " Get the dogs out ! " I moved my mouse and zoomed in on my wife 's face . She was doing her best to look terrified but she was all fascination and curiosity . My cock got stiff just looking at her face . Her face . I have to tell you about her face . They 'd tattooed a woman 's body on her face . A woman 's body . The head started just above her forehead , at the hairline . The woman 's arms were wrapped around my wife 's temples , hands grabbing drawn - on bits of hair . spine paralleled her nose , her eyelids - - when she closed them - - were tattooed with big titties . But the most fascinating part of the design was the ass . The woman 's ass was tattooed across my wife 's lower lip , the thighs up her cheeks , knees underneath the bottom eyelids , then feet tucked back up under . And they 'd tattooed down the center of her mouth , right on the lips . With her lips closed and slightly puckered , her mouth became an asshole . It was brilliant and intensely humiliating . The rest of her head was tattooed with " Ass Slut " " Cunt " " BlowJob Whore " and assorted other filth . Another woman , just a torso , was tattooed on the back of her head , legs spread wide and a pink pussy opening just at the based of her skull , the trapezius muscles forming the lips . The guard pushed her through the crowd who parted obediently . " Let us at her ! " " Get her on her knees for the dogs ! " " Bring her out the barn ! " the crowd yelled , waving and throwing bits of dirt and food at her . Some of the women spit on her , the men were holding their crotches and rocking their hips . " Come on , honey , come ride this one , baby ! " I leaned forward and picked up my Bud . It was still cold . I took a drink and adjusted the cameras again so I could watch a long shot and a closeup at the same time . Just like having two TVs for the Indy 500 . I wondered if all hundred of them were going to fuck her . I thought I might shoot off an email to Karl to make sure they all fucked her ass , but I grinned . No way he 'd forget that . " Ass Whore , " the guard was reading from a parchment while my wife stood beside him , head hanging down , hands crossed in front of her . " Humans , both sexes . " His voice got louder now . " Dogs , both sexes . " Suzi didn 't flinch . I was so proud of her . " Dogs , male and female , " he repeated again , even louder . A roar went up from the crowd and then there was a commotion from up the street . They all turned their heads . Three men were running down the street toward the pole , herding a dozen big , barking dogs in front of them . Mostly Rottweilers , Mastiffs , and Shepherds , all big , healthy , and eager to fuck . I couldn 't tell if they were all males . I really got excited imagining her with a bitch or two . How sick is that ? Thinking about my wife 's tongue licking a bitch 's pussy turned me on . Damn . I took another drink . " And Moderate Harsh , " he announced finally . The crowd cheered again and more bits of mud and food flew through the air , pelting my wife and landing around her feet . " There will be devices left here at the base of the pole for you to use . " He picked up a six - foot bullwhip and snapped it in the air . " Remember , citizens , we are counting on you ! Enjoy yourselves . " Another cheer , men and women jumping up and down , waving their fists in the air . " Let 's see the whore ! " " Tie her to the post ! " " Get her on her knees ! " They roar got louder and I couldn 't make out what half of them were saying . The Enforcer kept a stern look on his face as he rolled up the parchment and shoved it under his belt . The crowd got quiet as he stepped behind my wife and twisted a single button at the back of the neck . He slid the button through the hole and the dress fell to the ground , leaving her completely naked . The crowd went wild , jumping and cheering and pointing at her . Her whole body was covered with obscene tattoos , every inch of her except for her hands and three triangular patches , two on her chest , one on her back . The most obvious tattoo was a huge cock up the front of her body . The head was about five inches around , big and purplish just at the base of her neck , a stream of cum shooting upward into the ass - mouth of the face tattoo . The shaft ran down the middle of her belly and the insides and front of both of her thighs was tattooed with huge , hairy balls . It was disgusting and horrible . It turned me on to imagine her sitting in the chair getting the tattoo , them probably making her watch in the mirror as her beautiful flesh was turned into a sick , obscene billboard , a circus poster for fucking . I rotated and zoomed the camera and saw that the rest of her body was decorated with some words but mostly figures of bodies fucking . As I looked closer , I saw that the women in the tattoos weren 't just fucking men . There were tattoos of women mounted by dogs , from behind and face to face . One tattoo on her left shoulder blade was a woman hThe crowd was closing in , pointing and staring at the filthy pictures on my wife 's naked body . The guard put his hand up again and the crowd went quiet . Well trained , obedient fucks , weren 't they ? " These three areas , " he pointed to my wife 's chest , " are for special occasions . " This first , " he touched a triangular area on her right titty , " will get a special tattoo when she fucks her first dog . And this one , " he pointed the the same area on her left , " is to celebrate her first horse . " He turned her around and showed an open patch at the bottom of her spine , just above where her ass cheeks met . " And this , " he bent her over and made her pull her cheeks apart . I could see that they 'd tattooed even that closed crease of flesh . There was a stream of letters that led from the blank spot to her asshole . It read " flush your cum here " and ended with a spiral of blue ink that led into her ass . I heard his voice . " Push . " My wife did something and I could see her anus opening . It was the most obscene thing I 'd ever seen . I flicked the control on the other screen and zoomed in on her face . The humiliation was intense , she was crying in a way I rarely saw . This really got to her . I looked back at the other monitor . She 'd managed to open herself even further and push out more of her insides . And they were blue . These freaks had tattooed INSIDE her asshole . The pain must have been horrible . The Enforcer motioned for her to stand straight , then put his hand back on the blank spot . " She will earn her greatest tattoo here when she has fucked one hundred dogs and one hundred horses . " The crowd went wild , the dogs circling and barking , the Enforcers kicking them back with their boots . " Up against the post , " the Enforcer said . My wife turned and grabbed the pole with both hands . He pushed the top of her chest flat against it , then spread her legs and pulled her hips back and downward , making her squat uncomfortably , ass and cunt exposed and open , offering her backside to anyone who wanted it , face pressed hard against the wooden post , big titties hanging free . I looked at my wife there , completely naked , tattooed and spread open in the middle of a crowd of over a hundred men and women and started stroking my cock . I wanted to be there , to be the first to fuck her up the ass while she clung to that pole for dear life . A dog was sniffing at her crotch already , licking her ass with his big tongue . Another dog , a bigger , dark Doberman , barked at him and he growled but backed off . The Doberman sniffed her ass and cunt , turned and raised his leg and pissed a stream on her left calf . " He 's marking his territory ! " The crowd laughed and cheered . " You 're gonna be Rocky 's bitch tonight , hey ? " " Not till we have a shot at her . " " Yeah , I don 't wanna fuck her after she 's done the dogs ! " I adjusted the camera angle and caught her face , she was grinding her face against the post , feeling the wood scratch her flesh , her hips circling obscenely behind her , humping the air . " Bitch is turned on ! " " Yeah , they found a real sick one this time ! " " Come on , let 's fuck her while she 's still part human ! " The crowd pressed in on her now . One of them started to fuck her up the ass , while two more went around the pole and picked up clamps and weights and attached them to her nipples , twisting the clamps tight and hanging heavier and heavier weights on her until her titties and nipples couldn 't stretch anymore . They , they started swinging them with their fingers , listening to her moan and watching her fuck harder , yelling at whoever had his cock in her to fuck faster and deeper . When she came , her body jerked and spasmed and the weights swung around , clattering against the pole , sending new waves of pain through her that made her scream and clench her ass tighter around whoever was fucking her now . The crowd blurred into one big , non - stop ass fuck , my wife clutching the post for support , squatting deeper and deeper either from exhaustion or lust . I couldn 't tell and it didn 't matter . I just wished I was there . After about three hours , they got tired of fucking her and made her crawl around the courtyard on her hands and knees , dragging the weights in the dirt . One of the men put her in a dog collar and led her around . She left a trail of mud behind her , the cum dripping down the insides of her legs and knees , her shins and feet stirring it as she crawled . When he came around full circle , he had her press her face in the dirt , mouth open , scooping up and swallowing the mess she 'd made . By the time he came back around to the pole , her chin and cheeks were caked with mud . Several of them gathered around and untied their pants . She shook her head weakly and muttered , " no , no . . . " as they started spraying her down . " We 'll teach her to drink it later . " " Yeah , she 's got the whole rest of her life to learn . " They laughed and tilted their cocks , adjusting their streams to make sure every inch of her body was soaked with piss . I looked at the clock . It was nearly four in the morning . I was getting tired and I knew Karl and his friends were taping everything anyway . Plus , this golden showers shit never turned me on . It 's for those sicko bastards on the Coast . Now , the dogs I might be able to get into . I 'd never really thought about it , but now that I 'd watched then sniffing my wife 's ass and especially after that one peed on her , I was interested . Leave it to them Aussies . Damn ! Sick motherfuckers . I flipped off the monitors and powered down the tower . I needed a good night 's sleep if I was going to get on the road to John 's and the race track on Friday . As I was brushing my teeth , the image of those tattoos came back into my head . I 'd told Karl not to tattoo her . What the fuck ? He 'd better have a fucking good explanation for that . I 'd call him in the morning after I 'd jerked off and got a good night 's sleep .
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I love being a Missionary Mom and you can tell . I have ( and proudly wear ) a T - shirt with the logo of the North Adriatic mission and one for the Romanian mission - and one that proclaims in large letters " Missionary Mom " . For Christmas I ordered ornament replicas of my two missionaries for the tree , complete with their name tags on . I have two pictures on my nightstand , one with my missionary son with his arms around me , and one with my arms around my missionary daughter , right where I can see them first thing in the morning and last thing at night . I even have two country stickers on the bag of my car , RO for Romania , SLO for Slovenia . I belong to two on - line Missionary Mom support groups , and frequently contribute to both . I spend long hours updating and editing our missionary blog . I spend most of each Monday reading my kids ' letters over and over , followed by checking a number of other missionary blogs . I believe I can say I am taking my role as a Missionary Mom very seriously . Even so , I keep asking myself what I could do to be more helpful . I wonder if my letters to them are meaningful and spiritual enough ? I ask myself if we could possibly afford to send more frequent packages ? Should I contact the mission office if I worry about their health or their relationship with their companion ? As I was studying the experience of the sons of Mosiah for a seminary lesson this week , reading about the anxiety of their father and the Lord 's reassurance to him , I was suddenly struck by a pattern I had not thought of before : Our Heavenly Father sends us out into the world to struggle , to use our agency , to learn and grow . I 'm sure He hurts when he sees us suffer ; He wishes he could interfere when we get offended and insulted by others . But while He is always with us , and always there for us when we turn to Him , He doesn 't remove all trials , because to do so would not allow us to reach our true potential . In somewhat the same way , we sent our sons and daughters on missions in His service , far away from us . We need to love and support them when they turn to us . We pray for them and for their success . But we also need to be content to watch them struggle and grow . We cannot take away the difficult times from them , and we shouldn 't wish to . This is when they need to stand on their own , to learn to rely on the Lord , to learn to appreciate things formerly taken for granted , to become humble through having less than what they are accustomed to , to strengthen their testimony . So I am content for the most part to stand back and allow them to work out their trials , and share with us the wonderful lessons they are learning . I am beginning to realize that serving a mission certainly brings the missionary closer to their Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ , but in a different and no less powerful way , being a missionary parent also brings us closer to an understanding of our Heavenly Father . If only yet in a limited and imperfect way , knowing God and his Son , Jesus Christ , is eternal life ( see John 17 : 3 ) . So if hovering over our missionaries is not helpful , what can we do ? There has to be something we can devote our energies to ( if only to distract us from missing our missionaries and worrying about them ? ) My son and daughter have expressed how much they enjoy working with the local members where they serve , and how much they wished they had done better sharing their testimony with their friends before their mission . So I have decided to serve the missionaries assigned to our ward . We try to have them in our home frequently to feed them and cheer them up . We made a plate of cookies for all 21 missionaries serving in our stake for Christmas . We offer to help them by attending their lessons and fellowshipping the people they teach . We try to be less fearful and more open when talking to our friends about the gospel . If my children can speak to strangers in a foreign tongue , I can certainly share the testimony that has changed my life with those I know in English or German , my " native tongue " . In this way , I hope to grow in testimony and service along with the growth they are experiencing , so they can be proud of their Mom like I am proud of my missionaries . It 's great to be a Missionary Mom ! B is for Blog . Todd has become a blogger ! We started a family blog with the title " Converting on Cobblestones " to share the adventures of our two missionaries in Eastern Europe . C is for Cheerleading . Naomi made the Fairfield High School cheerleading squad . She enjoyed dancing and performing stunts at the football and basketball games . In her free time she continues to model for a local photographer . E is for Elephant Seals . We saw a huge colony of elephant seals on our way to a robotics tournament at Cal Poly in San Luis Obispo in February . Both Rachel and Julian remain involved in robotics . Julian 's team made it all the way to the California state finals , leaving him the youngest driver to compete in that tournament . G is for Gymnastics . Both Ariel and Rachel have taken up gymnastics . Their favorite apparatus is the balance beam . They also marched with their Dream Xtreme gymnastics group in our local Fiesta Days Parade . H is for Honor . Ariel was honored with the special " Be the Change " award by the mayor of Fairfield for exemplary leadership at her school and charity work in the community . She also distinguished herself by performing magic tricks in her school talent show . Rachel started taking art lessons and is studying how to paint portraits . J is for Jump Highway . The girls celebrated their 11th Birthday with a trampoline party for all of their friends . We also attended the Pirate Dinner Adventure show as a special birthday surprise . K is for Kidnapped . Ariel was briefly kidnapped by Goofy , only one of the special memories we made during our visits to Disneyland and California Adventure Parks . Since Disneyland is on the way to Sebastian 's University , we spent a few extra days there this year . M is for Marathon . I achieved a lifelong goal this year when running my first marathon . I completed the Western Pacific Marathon at Quarry Lakes with my husband and kids to cheer me on . Julian , Rachel , and Ariel even came on to the course to finish the last mile of the race with me . N is for News . Sebastian surprised us when he appeared on the Moldovan news . The local Chisinau TV station covered the opening of a children 's center that had been renovated by the LDS missionaries serving there . O is for Operation . Both Sarah and Sebastian had their impacted wisdom teeth taken out on the same day . While Sebastian experienced no complications , Sarah 's incision became infected and she needed an additional procedure and continued care in the MTC before she fully recovered . R is for Romania . Sebastian was called to serve for two years as a missionary in the Romania - Moldova Mission . He began his mission in Chisinau , the capitol city of Moldova , and is now serving in the beautiful city of Brasov , in the Transylvanian mountains . T is for Teacher . After serving for seven years as a Relief Society President , I was released only to be called as an early morning seminary teacher the same day . I absolutely love studying the Book of Mormon and teaching seminary . I love all the teenagers in my class . V is for Visitor Center . When visiting the Mormon Battalion visitor 's center in San Diego , we discovered that the family featured in the multi - media presentation consisted of our own ancestors . Julian dressed up as a soldier in the Mexican American War and we panned for gold . X is for Executive Secretary . Todd 's new calling as the Stake Executive Secretary keeps him consistently busy . He also continues to travel frequently for his work . Y is for YCL . Naomi served this year as a youth camp leader at girls ' camp and as a member of the Stake Steering Committee , mentoring younger girls and planning youth activities . She also spent a week at the University of Utah for EFY conference . In the last few weeks , I have frequently been asked the following question : " Aren 't you scared something could happen to your son or your daughter while they are on their mission ? " I think one of the reasons for that question lies in the recent well publicized deaths of several missionaries . A missionary from a town only 10 minutes north of Fairfield died in a car accident in Idaho only a month ago . Also , for many of my friends it 's difficult to comprehend how we can willingly send our sons and daughters , little older than teenagers , into a foreign country equipped only with limited language skills , two suitcases and unlimited enthusiasm . Doesn 't that sound like a recipe for disaster ? I freely admit I have my motherly moments of anxiety . As a student of Eastern European culture and history , I am well aware of some of the challenges of living and preaching the gospel in that part of the world . I have heard of several attempts to rob and kidnap missionaries . This week a movie that chronicles the kidnapping of two missionaries in Saratov , Russia , premieres in theatres . My own son has been threatened with a brick . A " mob " threw live firecrackers directly at his head ; one of them exploded immediately in front of his foot and caused him to momentarily lose his hearing . But in spite of all this , the answer to the question " Aren 't you scared ? " remains a firm " no . " I am not afraid for my son and my daughter , I feel calm and at peace that they will be watched over and protected . I base this assurance on the experiences of the many missionaries we have known , spiritual blessings and communications my family has received , and my own personal experiences . I know that no matter where they are , they are always in the Lord 's hands . One of the most memorable talks by a recently returned missionary I have heard was given by a sister that served in the country of Mongolia . While a world away from her family , her mission president sent her to find a nomad family that had requested to be taught the gospel . The missionaries took a bus deep into the vast grasslands ; the family was to meet them at the bus stop . When they disembarked and watched the bus drive off , they realized that they were utterly alone with only miles and miles of prairie around them . No human , house , or sign in sight . At first the sister panicked , but then she related she " realized that even though I had no idea where I was , and nobody else knew where they were , the Lord knew perfectly well . " The two sister missionaries fell to their knees by the side of the road and began to pray . I don 't remember how they were rescued and if they ever taught that family , but I never forgot the lesson this sister taught our congregation . I may not know whether Sebastian is walking through a forest in Transylvania , or if Sarah is knocking on doors in a small mountain village in the Alps , but the Lord knows where they are , and what they are doing every second of every day . When Sebastian and Sarah were set apart by our stake president , he mentioned that angels would be in front of them and behind them and round about them at all times . As I heard this blessing , it reminded me of an answer I received to another prayer , a little over a year ago . At that time Sarah had decided to work in the African country of Uganda , leaving behind electricity , sanitation , and access to the internet for several months . I was excited for her to experience this opportunity but couldn 't help worrying about tropical diseases and militia attacks . While pondering in the Celestial Room of the Oakland temple , the Lord through his Spirit spoke to me , giving me this distinct impression , " Let her go , she will be in the hollow of my hand , and will return unharmed . " Through numerous adventures , including falling off a raft into crocodile infested waters , being tear gassed on the way to a soccer game , becoming separated from her guide in the jungle , and curing a stomach parasite with black market medicine , she had the time of her life and came back safe and sound , just as I had been promised . Lastly , I have personally experienced the Lord 's care when I was surrounded by strangers and far from anyone I knew . In 2009 , my mother passed away after being diagnosed with cancer four months earlier . After spending some time with her a few weeks before , I found myself at home in California when she died in Germany , having deteriorated even more rapidly than predicted . What followed remains a blur as my husband and I frantically made arrangements for me to fly to Germany and for our children to be cared for while he had to work . The whirlwind of packing and planning left me little time for reflections of any kind . It wasn 't until I sat in an airport lounge in Dallas , Texas , during a long layover , that the enormity of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks . Not only did I feel entirely overwhelmed with grief about the loss of my mother , but I felt completely paralyzed by anxiety at having to organize my mother 's funeral . As far as I knew , there had never been an LDS funeral in my village , and I anticipated great opposition from everyone including family members and funeral directors when attempting to fulfill my mother 's wishes . I felt like I was frozen in place , that I could not possibly move from that plastic chair . I prayed fervently for the Lord 's help . Almost as soon as I had finished my silent but desperate prayer , I heard a friendly voice complimenting the old T - shirt I was wearing . When I looked up , I saw the kind face of an older man in a dark suit . On the label of the suit I discovered the familiar missionary name tag . When he introduced himself , I quickly learned that he was the newly appointed mission president of one of the British missions . When he heard I was a member traveling to Germany , he said , " Come meet the rest of our group , the new president of the Berlin mission is here , too . " My eyes widened in surprise ! Of all the thousands of planes in the sky that day , I ended up on the one carrying seven mission presidents and their wives . What are the odds of that ? Talk about the LoI cannot keep my children perfectly safe , whether they are living with us or on the other side of the world . But the Lord can , and I believe that He will and that once their missions end , we will see Sarah and Sebastian again . However , if not , I rest secure in the knowledge that my children were sealed to us . If we stay faithful , our family will endure for all eternity . My children are mine forever . Through the ordinances of the gospel of Jesus Christ , we are ultimately safe . The Sunday before her departure , she spoke in front of our ward congregation and a group of special visitors about the Spirit of Christ . No tradition comparable to giving over your tie to a new missionary exists in our ward ; we haven 't had a sister leave from our ward in a few years . So we were especially touched when our bishop 's wife took off her necklace and put it around my daughter 's neck . New tradition created ! That night we hosted a second open house ( same type of food , different flag ) and Sarah enjoyed visiting with many of her former leaders and friends . In spite of all the similarities , the last few weeks before her report date were a very different , much more dramatic journey . For several weeks my faith was severely tested as Sarah 's departure for the mission field remained in doubt . The emotional rollercoaster began when Sarah called the day before leaving college , telling us that she was in excruciating pain . She had felt a toothache for some time , but attributed it to some recent dental work and believed that it would pass . However , the pain continued to increase and her cheek began to swell . After consulting several dentists , it became apparent that she was experiencing complications from her wisdom tooth removal more than six months prior , very rare and unusual complications . One of them even called it , " a genetic abnormality . " Following her wisdom teeth extraction in January , one of the wounds had not properly healed and had become infected . No bone had grown to fill in the wound , just granular tissue . Sarah had to undergo a number of painful procedures . Her gums were cut open and drained of blood and fluid . She had to take strong antibiotics ( which she called horse pills ) four times a day . Once the antibiotics decreased the infection , the dental surgeon scooped out the granular tissue , creating a large hole , which had to be " packed " with long strips of cloth . The " packing " had to be changed every few days . It felt like having wisdom teeth surgery all over again . Sarah got to eat few of her favorite foods in the last weeks leading up to her report date . In the meantime , the clock was ticking and her departure date was moving ever closer . Sarah remained determined to leave for her mission no matter what her medical condition ; I worried greatly that she would not receive " medical clearance . " I was concerned that she would not have healed sufficiently to function normally , to be able to talk ( especially a foreign language ) , and eat quickly in a cafeteria . I didn 't know if she could continue to see a dentist while in the MTC . The treatment options our dental surgeon suggested seemed to change with every visit . I was upset and frustrated and made multiple phone calls to the mission medical department in Salt Lake City . At the same time , we battled a never - ending bureaucratic process on both state and federal level to complete the paperwork necessary for Sarah to receive a visa for Slovenia . It seemed that obstacles continued to be put in her way , keeping her from serving the Lord as she had planned . While Sarah encountered real opposition , the Lord opened the windows of heaven , showering us in blessings as we moved forward in faith . We obtained the help of several LDS dentists , who took a personal interest in Sarah , cleared their schedule to treat her on short notice , called her specialist to clarify the issues and consult about her treatment , and finally arranged for an excellent dentist in Provo for her to visit periodically while in the MTC . Sarah received a blessing for the sick while in the Oakland temple and her name was placed on the prayer roll of multiple temples . Family members , friends and even moms of other missionaries who didn 't even know her personally , unified to pray for her healing . And it worked ! Her wound began to close up quickly and she was able to leave on time for the MTC . So on September 11th , we pulled up to the front of the MTC for the second time in three months . We had scrambled to find proper shoes on the last possible day and bought a filtration bottle and sewing kit less than 24 hours before her report time . Sarah used the sewing kit almost right away , as the belt loop of her brand - new skirt inexplicably ripped on the way to the MTC . We went for a pie shake and burger lunch at Sammy 's , which has now become a cherished family tradition the morning of a missionary drop off . Sarah proudly signed her name on the door with her fabric marker ( the only marker she had in her purse for marking her clothes at the MTC laundry ) " Sister Sarah Brown , Adriatic North mission Sept 2013 - March 2015 " . We visited with her missionary host who struggled valiantly with Sarah 's heavy suitcases which were each a couple of pounds overweight . We hugged her good - bye , as I couldn 't think of anything profound to say . But maybe if you have taught her and talked to her every day of her life , it 's alright to be speechless for once , what more could we have said that we hadn 't already said ? One of my favorite talks of all time is called " The Abundant Life " . In this conference address , Elder Wirthlin explains his recipe for being truly happy by filling your life with faith and service . He also utters the memorable line that we are " made of the dust of eternity as much as of the dust of the earth " . Our potential exceeds anything we can imagine , if we can only see ourselves the way the Lord sees us and allow Him to work in our lives . Elder Wirthlin shares the story of Snowman , a decrepit old plow horse , sold for virtually nothing to a riding teacher who saved it from the slaughter house out of pity . When the horse kept disappearing from its pasture , the new owner discovered that this flea - bitten horse could effortlessly clear any fence . The horse looked like a worthless animal , but became a famous national jumping champion . In the same way , the people of David 's day saw only a young shepherd boy , but the Lord saw a king and a prophet . Joseph of Egypt was looked upon as a slave , but the Lord called him to be a seer . Where we sometimes only view the outward appearance , the Lord perceives eternal potential . This talk touched me so deeply because it was given right around the time that my own life changed dramatically : In October of 2006 , I was called as Relief Society President . I did not see myself as the ideal candidate for this position by any stretch of the imagination . I was only 36 years old , with six young children living at home , including 3 year old twins , and a husband who traveled out of town on business virtually every week . I didn 't particularly enjoy cooking and had never cooked for anyone outside of my immediate family . I couldn 't sew or quilt . I had zero talent in home decorating or crafts of any kind . I didn 't like change , felt uncomfortable meeting new people , and awkwardly avoided hugging others ( I blame this on my German heritage , we are a rather stiff and proper people , for the most part ) . The thought of seeing a dead body or participating in a funeral terrified me . Lastly , I had mostly been teaching Primary since joining the church and had no leadership experience to speak of . I could only see myself as a stay - at - home mother with few talents , who often felt like she didn 't fit in , but the Lord saw a future Relief Society President . So trusting in the Lord , I accepted my new assignment . Over the next seven years , my faith in the Lord grew immeasurably , as I learned to love and serve the sisters with all my heart . I served alongside three different bishops , had three first counselors , four second counselors , and multiple secretaries . With the constant turnover in our military ward , visiting teaching routes had to be adjusted virtually every month . I learned to delegate , recognizing and appreciating the talents of others as I organized many Relief Society activities , dinners , and service projects . For one whole Relief Society additional meeting , I walked on a broken foot the entire night . With my counselors , I cooked for three general authorities and 100 missionaries , all on short notice . We made numerous baby blankets and baked countless cookies to welcome new members to the ward . We became fearless about knocking on doors , trying to find those who didn 't attend . We cleaned homes and bought Christmas presents for those without funds . With the loving guidance of more experienced sisters , I overcame my fears and learned to dress sisters for burial ; experiencing this as one of the sweetest services we can perform for those ready to meet their Heavenly Father . A house burned down , ward boundaries were re - aligned twice , and a bishop deployed to Afghanistan for six months , requiring detailed daily email updates on the state of the ward . Serving the Lord and the sisters was a joy and a privilege and a never - ending adventure . ( But I still don 't do crafts , period ! ) Last month I was released from service in the Relief Society and immediately asked to teach early morning seminary . Again , I feel utterly inadequate . I can 't stress enough that I am NOT a morning person . My teenage daughter has probably arrived at seminary on time a grand total of five times during the past year . I 'm not sure I have ever truly immersed myself in the scriptures sufficiently to teach with competence . I haven 't worked with the youth before , my own children excluded . Speaking of my children , I still have three elementary and middle school children who now need to get ready for school on their own , since their father still travels . I see a sister in need of rest , but the Lord believes that I can be a valiant seminary teacher . I reread my favorite Elder Maxwell quote on my refrigerator , " The Lord is not interested in our abilities or inabilities as much as he is interested in our availability . And if we show him our dependability , He will take care of our capability . " Apparently , I am available each morning before school starts and the Lord can depend on me to study the scriptures and love His children . I trust in the Lord 's promise that " if ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me . " ( Moroni 7 : 33 ) Even if this promise requires getting up at 5am every day ! Moving forward in faith , I believe that with the Lord , all things are possible . When we follow Him and do what He has asked us to do , we can fulfill our eternal potential and truly become His sons and His daughters and live the abundant life . During my first year as Relief Society President , I returned home late in the evening , following long hours at the Deseret Industries facility in Sacramento picking out warm clothing and Christmas presents for needy families in our ward . I had left my oldest daughter Sarah , only 14 at the time , in charge of her five younger siblings . When I walked into the house , I discovered a scene of utter devastation . I couldn 't walk two feet without tripping over toys , crayons , and school supplies that seemed to cover every inch of the floor . The kitchen counters were cluttered with food and dirty dishes . I found my children asleep in various rooms all over the house , still wearing their street clothing . I felt devastated . I had no energy left to clean up . I carefully picked up each child , kissed them and carried them to their beds . Then I knelt down in tears next to my bed , pleading with the Lord . I worried that my children would suffer and feel neglected as both Todd and I served in demanding callings that frequently required us to leave them alone . As soon as I began to pray , I felt the Spirit descend on me and cover me like a warm blanket , I can think of no other words to describe the feeling . I remembered a special blessing I had been given by our bishop , promising me that as long as I served faithfully , my children would be taken care of . I also remembered my husband 's pioneer ancestors , Ebenezer Brown and his wife Phoebe Draper . They answered the call to join the Mormon Battalion and marched all the way to San Diego , California , leaving their numerous children behind on the plains of Iowa in the care of their oldest son and daughter . The children successfully made their way to Utah , learning to trust in the Lord in their extreme circumstances . As far as we know , these children remained faithful after they were reunited with their parents more than a year later . I was comforted by their example , and as I continued to serve , the Lord abundantly blessed my children . Studying a recent conference talk by Elder Eyring , I learned that far from an individual blessing , this principle represents an eternal truth applicable to all that leave their families in the Lord 's service . I have a strong testimony that these blessings apply particularly to missionaries who leave their families and friends for two long years . Elder Eyring taught , " There is another way you and I have felt Him ( the Savior ) grow closer to us . As we give devoted service to Him , He draws closer to those we love in our families . Every time I have been called in the Lord 's service to … leave my family , I have come to see that the Lord was blessing " ( them ) . " He prepared loving servants of His and opportunities to draw my family closer to Him . " Elder Eyring further reminds us of the words of the Lord to Joseph Smith and Sidney Rigdon in D & C 100 : 1 , “… your families are well ; they are in mine hands , and I will do with them as seemeth me good ; for in me there is all power . " He continues , " My promise to you who pray and serve the Lord cannot be that you will have every blessing you may wish for yourself and your family . But I can promise you that the Savior will draw close to you and bless you and your family with what is best . You will have the comfort of His love and feel the answer of His drawing closer as you reach out your arms in giving service to others … His arms are outstretched with yours to succor and bless the children of our Heavenly Father , including those in your family . " ( Come unto Me , April 2013 conference ) Missionary service has often been described as " leaving your family for two years , so that others can be with their family for eternity . " But in addition , devoted full time service to the Lord brings untold blessings to family members of missionaries who serve . In making this sacrifice , both the missionary and the family feel a greater closeness to the Lord and an increased devotion to his gospel . As the family of two missionaries , we have felt the joy and the comfort of the Spirit . We feel blessed every day . We dropped off our first missionary at the MTC on July 24th , promptly at 12 . 35pm . Looking back on it , the month leading up to his report date passed in a whirlwind of preparation . Picking him up from college at UCSD , taking him through the beautiful San Diego temple , creating a tremendous pile of supplies to be packed into two huge suitcases in our front living room , family pictures at the beach and the endless online search for affordable thermal underwear in the middle of summer ! I expressed my anxiety mostly by cooking him one of his favorite meals every night , which he greatly appreciated ( and by taking the kids on crazy adventures in SF which he probably appreciated less . ) The Sunday before his report date , he spoke in church in front of our ward ( congregation ) , with many special visitors including some of his closest friends and former teachers and leaders about what it means to be a pioneer . Several of his youth leaders and our bishop gave him their tie to wear on his mission , a special tradition in our ward . That evening , we hosted an open house at our home with cupcakes decorated with miniature Romanian flags and a large Romanian flag suspended in the hallway ! ( Sure , it was tacky all the way and I loved it ! ) The next morning , Sebastian had to say good - bye to his younger brothers and sisters , who were off to scout camp , cheerleading camp or staying home with a babysitter . Lots of hugs - and an unsuccessful attempt by little Rachel to stow away inside the suitcase . Two years is a long time , but for a 10 year old little sister who adores her big brother , it truly seems forever ! Following a 12 hour drive through Nevada ( funnest road trip ever ) , we arrived in Utah to complete a 14 hour shopping marathon for most of his clothing in 112 degree heat . His last day before his mission ended with a lively all you can eat pizza dinner generously hosted by our extended family ( during which Sebastian quietly insisted on refilling my water glass and serving me , which brought me to tears ) and a private final father 's blessing . Before we knew it , the day and time had come . Fortified with pie shakes from Sammy 's ( there 's a lot of food in this post , I know , but Sebastian loves to eat ) , we were headed to the MTC with Sarah and Sebastian in the back seat , Todd driving and me holding the camera in the passenger seat . The road in front of the MTC was completely torn up by construction , blocking the regular entrance . But from several blocks away , signs and senior missionaries pointed out the correct path : Keep going up the hill and enter the MTC through the loading dock area . The signs read : " New missionaries this way " From beginning to end , the drop off proceeded in an orderly manner , with missionaries there to help each step of the way . Entering the MTC grounds , we joined a seemingly endless line of vehicles . I have been told , 800 new missionaries arrived within two hours . An older brother approached our car and asked " Elder or sister ? " to which we replied " Elder this time , sister next time . " He was so kind and funny , he had all of us laughing . He also asked which mission and based on Sebastian 's answer , place a colored sticker on our windshield . We were then directed to a drop - off area based on our sticker color . Coming around the corner to the front of the MTC , we were met with the most amazing sight : Hundreds of missionaries lined up to greet us . Most of them were sisters ! They were all smiling and calling out , " Welcome to the MTC ! " I couldn 't help but smile and wave back . We felt like riding in a parade as we slowly made our way all the way down and around the corner . Our drop off point was marked with the number 20 , almost at the very end . As soon as we pulled up to the curb , a missionary host stepped up and opened my door . He then proceeded to help Todd unload the luggage . He gave us plenty of time to hug Sebastian good - bye . And I didn 't cry , both my children asked me repeatedly not to cry . " No tears , Mom ! " Since I didn 't want them to remember me as a blubbering mess and worry about me , I smiled my bravest smile , watching Sebastian walk off with the backpack casually slung over one shoulder . He was engaged in conversation by the host , who was pulling his suitcases . But before he reached the front doors , he looked around one more time , smiling at me ! And that was that . We climbed back into the car , while some of the sisters on the curb called , " See you again soon ! " This is what I felt ( yes , I am allowed one melodramatic post on this blog ) : I thought of the mothers of the stripling warriors in the Book of Mormon . I wondered , as they were standing on a dirt road , somewhere in the jungle and watched their sons march off to war , did one of them turn around , with a shield casually over his shoulder , sword in hand and smile at his mother as if to say , " I love you , don 't worry , I will be ok " ? I feel that some of the examples of righteous parents and children are included in our scriptures precisely so we can learn to model ourselves after them in the latter days , but also so we can take comfort from their experiences . I 'm purposefully saying parents , not only mothers . I know this was just as hard , if not harder on my husband . ( On a sidenote : We always talk about the stripling warriors ' devotion to their mothers and rightly so , but we often overlook that they also had supportive and faithful fathers . This was pointed out to me by a post on one of my favorite blogs on father 's day this year . Their fathers supported and provided for them , see Alma 56 : 27 ! ) But not one of my children told their father that he couldn 't cry which was patently unfair , if you ask me ! The night before , I read from the book of Samuel in the Old Testament , reviewing the story of Hannah , who also sent off her first born son far away from home to serve the Lord in the temple . Her words , spoken thousands of years ago , perfectly expressed my emotions on this day , " For this child I prayed ; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him : Therefore also I have lent him to the Lord ; as long as he liveth he shall be lent to the Lord . " 1 Samuel 1 : 27 - 28 ( Well , for the next two years anyway ) She continues , " My heart rejoiceth in the Lord , " 1 Samuel 2 : 1 and so does mine . We raised a son who loves the Lord and wants to serve Him as a missionary ! How great is our joy ! 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As much as I hate to admit it , I ate lunch at McDonald 's yesterday . I felt as though I had slipped back in time ( or perhaps been transported across the seas to the lands of my ancestors , Denmark ) . The colors were straight out of the 1970 's . . . Oddly , it didn 't feel cheap , or old , or worn out , but fresh and clean . And the chairs were more comfortable than any McDonald 's chair I 've sat in before . But really ? Must we go back to orange and harvest gold ? Normally , I 'm one of those drivers who likes to keep at least a car length between me and the car ahead of me . Especially on the highway . In fact , when traffic is civilized , I tend to keep several car lengths between me and the car in front of me . About a week ago ( although co - inciding with my Grandmother 's birthday , not actually in celebration thereof ) , I started another List . Yes . . . the evil to do list is back . Since then , I 've been whittling away at it , and , as these things go , adding things to it as I go . Luckily , I 've added fewer things than I 've done . But I started with 3 1 / 4 pages in a wee notebook that 's about the size of a 3x5 card . There are 21 lines on each page . Bear in mind , that I 'm no dummy . When I make up a list , I break things down into small pieces . That way , I get to mark things off even when the whole LARGE task isn 't done . For example , the dismantling of the Holiday Decorating took up four lines : Put away ornaments ; take down tree ; put away wreaths ; put away the Fathers ' Christmas . It ought to have had another for the candles . . . . Today , I finally marked off the last of those things . The ornaments have been put away for a good week . The tree finally came down Sunday ( it was still so fresh ! it seemed as shame to wrest it from its warm pot of water and chuck it to the curb ) . But today - - I got all the wreaths in their boxes , and even put back the pictures that normally hang on the wall where the indoor wreaths were . I put away all the Fathers ' Christmas , and most of the candles . In fact , after a quick tour of the first floor , this is all I have left to put away in the storage closet . Todays ' accomplishments also include the transplanting of several plants . The big tree , whose picture I failed to take , finally got moved to a pot that is big enough for it to thrive . The poor dear has been potbound for years ( literally ) . The local nursery had a big sale on pots , and I found one that was big enough that they hadn 't originally wanted $ 100 . 00 or more for . . . which meant that on sale , I could actually afford it . The ficus should be much happier . Isnt ' he stunning ! I know what you 're thinking - - what on earth was I doing acquiring a new plant of that size given my stringent budget ( that of the unemployed ) . I quite agree . . . Norfolk Pines of that size tend to be pretty expensive . But I was in Lowe 's the other day , and they were trying to clear out the last of their " live Christmas tree " stock . He was a bit disheveled , but for $ 5 . 99 . . . I couldn 't say no ! Later that day , I was in the local nursery where they wanted $ 5 . 99 for a Norfolk Pine that was about 6 " tall . I only barely didn 't gloat out loud . As of this moment , there are 30 things left from the original list , plus 23 more that have been added since the original list was written . I 'd feel worse about that if there weren 't 98 total entries on that list . That 's almost half of it done in only a week . . . and the day is young . Posted on January 13 , 2011 in Life Happens , Random Silliness | Permalink I have managed to divide Kitty 's Wolf Hoodie for the armholes ( but have no pictures - - someone * cough * Bookworm * cough * borrowed my camera , had lots of fun , and ran the battery down to . . . well . . . nothing ) . I had to do it twice , because the first time , I managed to create what would have been an interesting , asymmetrical zippered hoodie . While asymmetrical might be cool and stylish , it wasn 't sufficiently asymmetrical for anyone to believe it was intentional . I did figure out what the cuff needs to look like . And now I 'm flummoxed altogether in my attempts to coerce the yarn to do what I want it to do . It 's clear that I need to keep a nice visual zig zag thing going , but … I need to get some stretchy in there too . No one wants flappy wrists . But . Color work zig zag kind of undoes stretchy . Ordinarily , I 'd be perfectly content with dithering about on this for months until I achieved success . But this time , I want the gift to be on the hands of the donee , not in the time - out corner for miscreant WIPs . This WIP is whippin ' my butt , and I don 't like it . Hello all . I 've run away from home . Not because home is bad . . . but because every now and then , a gal needs some time OFF . Luckily , I 've a great and dear friend who likes to enable this behavor . Yesterday , I flew to Orlando , got picked up at the airport and taken to Downtown Disney , where we shopped , and I bought silly things , including this T - shirt and a present for my car 's rear view mirror ( hey , it was cheap ! and it 's my favorite mickey ) And , of course , presents for the girls . What ? they read this blog ! No way do YOU get to see the pressies before THEY do . . . After frivolous shopping , we went to Raglan Road , ( the real reason for stopping on Disney property ) where I narrowly escaped buying one more T - Shirt : The knitter in me enjoyed that one . . . We tried to take pictures once we got into the restaurant proper . . . but . . . well . . we had phones , not real cameras , and it was dark . The web site makes it hard to link to things . . . but we enjoyed a Scallop Forest ( each scallop comes on it 's own fork , ready to dip in amazing sauce ) . And then there was this goat cheese salad that I 'd happily eat daily until I couldn 't fit through the door . And the . . . well . . . NOT chowder ( sort of an Irish Bouillabaisse ) . . . delicious . But the real danger came through the desert menu . Bread pudding . . . already amazingly light and delicious . . . . with this buttery caramel sort of sauce . and this . . . chocolate thing they describe as chocolate with more chocolate and then add chocolate . And all the while , they 've a live band playin ' Irish music . Well . No , seriously - - well . I 'm really glad I don 't live down there . I 'd have to eat there often . And I 'd be . . . well . . . . more than a few sizes larger than I am now . After dinner , we wandered a bit more , and I tried on silly hats : But , eventually , we pried ourselves away from mouseville , and drove south . It was fun , and rather like old times , wending our way down smaller and smaller highways in the middle of the night . We enjoyed seeing a bunch of guys fishing off the bridges over Sarasota Bay in the middle of the niPosted on October 02 , 2009 in Random Silliness , Travel | Permalink A passing thought about virtues . Did anyone else notice that not one of the 73 virtues I posted about mentions athleticism , or any other form of taking care of your physical body in any way other than keeping it clean ? Does that mean that sitting on my ass is virtuous ? But seriously folks , I really meant to play with some Unconscious Mutterings . Today it 's about names . Since I 'm pulling a blog fail - - - having spent too much time doing bills today to do sock photography - - I 'm going to tell you about something I saw on the Disney Trip that SO needed to be photographed at a time when I had no access to my camera . It was a Fail Blog candidate if I ever saw one . Let me paint the scene . You 're in a rest stop along some highway . There 's a sweeping turn leading to the exit . You 're in a bus . . . a big bus . It needs most of the space in that turn to get by . But . . . there 's something blocking the path . A car can get past easily , but not a bus . Out the window you see . . . a generic pick up truck pulling a flat bed trailer with it 's two ramps down . Those ramps are the perfect width for a car of some sort to drive right up . Behind the flat bed , wheels a yard from the ramps , is an SUV ( Explorer perhaps ) . ON the flat bed is an ATV upon which is riding , in the normal place , a fellow of medium height and build , and . . . on the front fender , a young woman of similar build . They 're trying to haul the SUV up onto the flat bed . Presumably there 's no go left in the SUV . The woman appears to be serving as ballast . Already it 's funny , right ? They fire up the ATV , they move forward . . . the chain between the ATV and the SUV grows taught . . . the SUV actually rolls forward a bit . . . and then the ATV rears up a bit as the full weight of the SUV hits the ramps . On the third try , the girl falls off the front . And she 's pissed at the driver . Seriously . Like it never occurred to her that falling off could happen ! I 'm SO wishing for my camera . Then the driver of the SUV gets out . This person is at least one and a half times the size of either of the other two . Did it not occur to them that if there HAS to be a driver in the SUV , that driver should not be the heaviest of the crew ? Hello ? ? ( Turns out that the driver of the truck was heavier still , but whatever ) . And that maybe , if you need ballast on the ATV , the lightest person in the crew isn 't the best choice ? And just maybe . . . swapping spots would be more effective ? Eventually Posted on April 09 , 2009 in Random Silliness | Permalink Okay , yes , I know the moon is not a planet . The moon , is , however , the Earth 's only natural satellite and the fifth largest natural satellite in our solar system . For this reason alone it could be that it has life on it , right ? Yes , there have been many explorations to prove otherwise , but for many years people on Earth believed that the moon was inhabited . It is also the only celestial body that man has stepped upon . There are a dozen gods and goddesses associated with the moon . The word Lunar , which relates to the moon 's cycle , is from the Latin word Lunar . One of the reasons that people tend to associate a female deity with the moon might be related to the female menstrual cycle . With that said , it 's is definitely time to move along before I get myself in trouble . You desire contact with the world around you . You have a loving and nurturing nature , but you can suffer from mood changes and go through cycles . You aren 't afraid to stand up for what you believe in or to even stand up for the little guy that tends to get beat up on or forgotten . You probably even tend to put other people before yourself . As a child of the moon you have a cold and warm side . When someone wrongs you it better be something they never do again . You may forgive them once , but you will never forget and a second time can cut them totally out of your life . You can be the life of the party , but only if it suits you . You are just as happy finding a few people that you can talk to and more than likely there are very few people that you can 't talk to . You probably usually have a smile on your face and make people feel comfortable with you . You are just one of those people that others open up to and then wonder why . So , moon child , in a way you are just like the tide . You ebb and flow in life and you like it best when you are in control . There 's my car , modeling it 's new Thule Ascent Cargo box thing in Papa 's back yard . Now I can drive home without the rear view window being obscured by stuff . This is a good thing . ( And no , it wouldn 't have made more sense to buy it at home - - there isn 't a Thule dealer at home that carries the boxes - - just the bike racks . I 'm all about avoiding shipping costs ) . In the news today , we see that some people 's version of reality is vastly different from the rest of us . The Dallas News reports that a man in his 20 's attempted to pass a $ 360 , 000 , 000 , 000 check . Yes , that 's $ 360 BILLION ! Like someone would believe that a man in his 20 's would have such a check to cash ? ? ? I wonder what he was smokin ' ? Meanwhile , I 'm being naughty again . I 'm mere inches away from finishing DH 's socks , I 've got three other lace projects on the needles , I 've got a gorgeous Sock de la Mer to knit , not to mention Deep Breath or those pesky Mission 2008 projects to work on . So what did I do ? For the next progress photo , I hope to have four hands , so I can show you some open lace . . . . and Yes , I did cast on quite a bit ago . Then we had a little tiff , and now that I have reopened my brain to the reality of reading simple and well drawn charts . . . we 're off and springing . Gotta love this color too . My camera didn 't get it quite right , but we 'll try again soon . It 's a perfect foil for the gray blustery day that 's gusting around outside . That wind kept me from enjoying the bit of yoga I 'd planned to do on my patio today . The wind thought my yoga mat would make a fine toy . I can see it now . . . . . . only Down Dog or Savasana would ensure that the mat wouldn 't flick up and tap me on the head or leg or . . . . . I yoga 'd inside instead . She 's totally enabling my Knitting With Nora plans . There are several of us who will be knitting Icarus ( or Icarus on Ravelry ) together out of this lovely yarn ! Posted on May 01 , 2008 in Knitting , Lace , Life Happens , Random Silliness | Permalink Yesterday , I typed up a post on Ten Teeny Rants . It was taking off on the Knitting Curmudgeons Ten Things Tuesday post of the week . I was SURE I 'd published it . I even thought it was pretty good . That would go a the top of my list , for sure . But which rant would it replace ? One of the big ones ? or one of the little silly ones ? Folks who don 't recycle when it 's easy , and worse the ones who litter ( resulting in trash blowing into my yard ) ? Religious intolerance ? People who think that my duties as laundress of the house include unwadding jeans and socks from the balls into which people managed to torture them ( or the same folks who think those duties include foraging in pockets for wrappers , candy , lip balm , notes , money , stones etc . etc . ) ? The little things that you have to use to prove that you 're a human in order to post comments on blogs ? Automated phone systems ? The media - - that has to wallow in the slightest bad thing , but can 't share the good ? The TV stations who run R rated ads for R rated shows during prime time and shows that are kid friendly ? Yeah , I know , that 's not ten . And the gripes aren 't explained either . . . I 'd rewrite the whole thing ( with links and all ) , but today I 'm distracted by finished socks and unexpected beads . High on that sense of accomplishment , I gleefully welcomed DTB Elizabeth in for knitting . We didn 't get nearly as far as we usually do . First we had to play with beads . There was a bead attack , during which I seem to have ordered four different choices for my shawl , and two for hers from the Bead Wrangler ( who , btw , gave lightening fast service ) . . . We threaded our options onto our yarn , and laid the yarn across the shawls and pondered . Actually , I think I did a pretty good job , what with not being a bead expert , and not knowing the difference between clear and silver lined and color lined and rainbow and metallic etc , and ordering late at night in a bit of a frenzy . Out of six vials of beads , only one was clearly wrong , and another , that looked practically identical in the tube - - looked great on the yarn . Then , having confirmed that the beads were right , we approached the charts , consulted with Mary ( the Beading Genius ) , and planned bead placement . Only then did we settle in to knit with Raven Clan Laci for the evening . All the bead fuss cut our knitting progress in half : If you look really closely , you can see the beads there . Look near the yos . They 're subtle , but that 's what I wanted . Perhaps with actual daylight I can get better pictures . . . . The girls and I put 3750 miles on my lovely new car between June 26 and July 30 . We saw folks in four states and two countries , we stayed in another 2 states . We had a great time , and are tired now . I 've finally gotten my bloglines pending blogs to zero . Yes ! Finally I am 100 % caught up ! Okay gang , stop blogging for four hours okay ? I want to wallow in this while I sew in Sahara 's ends and block her , ' kay ? But I got to thinking about one of the little things . The things I 've dithered about for years but never done . Things like piercing that place near the top of your ear , or getting a tattoo , or dying your hair . For years , I 've sort of wanted to pierce that spot at the top of my ear , but can 't decide which ear to do it on , and I only want ONE . When I could decide which ear to double pierce , I went for both when I was there , thinking that I could make up my mind over the course of the next week , and pluck out the " wrong " earring and let it heal over . I still have two holes in both ears ; I never could choose . I 've dithered about tattoos forever too . I can 't decide what I want or where . And tattoos are much harder to undo than extra holes in your earlobes . I may never get that done . I 'm too skittish ; and when I 'm being a lawyer , it 's too important to avoid freaking out the judges and the clients . I 've also rather wanted to put bright color streaks in my hair . For twenty five years I wished I was brave enough to have a bright blue streak , or several purple streaks in my hair . It all started in my Physics for Poets class my sophomore year in college . The girl who often sat in front of me had a bright blue lock of hair at the nape of her neck . I thought it was so cool . I wanted one . . . but was afraid to get one . Why on earth I 'd be afraid to get a bright streak of color in my hair , I don 't know . At least not then . Once I 'd started practicing law , it was rather clear - - - the stuffed shirts at the firm where I worked would not have been impressed . Nor would our clients . But surely , some time in the past 25 years I could have done it ? right ? Well , most people . . . not DH , who didn 't notice when he got back to town last night . ( He 'd even been warned that purple hair might be in the offing , and that I wasn 't going to tell him - - he was supposed to notice ) . I 'll pretend it 's because it was dark . Now . . . back to the Joy Socks , for which I 'd LOVE to have a test knitter . I need someone prepared to knit fast fast fast ( sorry ) to see if my pattern works for other brains the way it works for me . That way I can get the corrections in ( assuming they need to be made ) , before Just Our Yarns prints up umpteen copies . I 'm writing to you from the airport in San Francisco , where I 've splurged for a day 's worth of T - Mobile HotSpot access . I 'm writing on the household 's new laptop . It was purchased not because we need a new laptop , but because the kids ' computers are old and tired and trying to die , and I had to find something still available in the verse the runs XP . I bought what I could get . Turns out I like it quite well . And since it 's smaller than my primary laptop , and thus weighs less , it 's going to be my travel machine . The kids will have to cope . in a much better mood and thus am able to cope with the weirdness that is SFO . The terminal into which I arrived was pleasant - - they serve good latte and really good chocolate croissant . The sock appreciated the latte Also arriving a week ago was some incredible yarn from Lisa Souza . Oh my . . . baby alpaca / silk blend . It was DIVINE . Alas , the color wasn 't what I 'd expected ( the pic shows what happens when the dye does its dance with wool . . . Same process with alpaca silk yields a much paler version ) . Try as I might , I could not persuade myself that the yarn would work for it 's intended purpose - - nor could I come up with any other plans for that particular color . : - ( My mother agreed with me ( since the object in question is intended for her sister , I thought she 'd be a good judge of color ) . When I emailed Lisa to see if I could return or exchange it , she was incredibly gracious . . . . so the yarn is on it 's way back to her . All this means is that I 'm doing daily browsing sessions at LisaKnit . com to find something I " need , " and thus suffering daily bouts of yarn lust . So , today , I drove the dear parents to the airport , and secretly hoped that they 'd be denied access to the plane . I love my folks , and no visit with them is ever long enough . Someday , I 'll find us jobs closer to my parents so I can see them more often . But . . . during the errand running , I came to a realization . Like some who blog , I hate my hair . It 's never cooperating ; the curls defy order or even continuity . But suddenly , I realized something , catching my reflection in a shop window . My hair behaves much like Stephanie 's hair ! I have Yarn Harlot Hair ! Woo hoo . Now , I may be able to wear it as a badge of knitterly honor ( or unbearable groupie - ness . . . whatever ) . MY hair and I are eager to see her in Oakbrook . Also during errand running , which included getting my glasses fixed ( they ground one of the lenses wrong so we had to have a do - over ) , I had some time to kill in the dreaded mall . This led to trying on clothes , which led to buying a pair of SIZE 4 pants ! ! ! Size FOUR people ! Not that I 'm proud or anything . . . but . . . size FOUR . This , dear readers , is BRAND NEW sock yarn from Just Our Yarns . It 's even better than size four jeans . I 'll be sock designing now . . . and though I had ideas before I saw it , I realized that they were very color dependent , and just won 't do with this color . Already , though , new ideas are percolating . But . . . I am a bad blogger . I took no photos . I finished vacuuming , closed the oven door . . . and came up here to confess my sins .
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Adventures in the rainforest ! Learn about the Creator of the universe by exploring His marvelous creation . Fun for the whole family with games , activities , stories , answers to children 's questions , color pages , and more ! One of the Web 's first and most popular Christian Web sites for children . Nonprofit , evangelical , nondenominational . " Where the Wild Things Are " is based on a beloved picture book by Maurice Sendak . This screen adaptation is directed by Spike Jonze and Dave Eggers . Max ( played by Max Records ) is a 9 year old boy who definitely feels neglected . Max builds a snow fort and wants his older sister to play with him , but she is too busy on the phone or with her friends . He gets into a snowball fight with his sister and her friends , but his fort is crushed by them . They don 't even realize how they have hurt Max , as he stands there crying , and his sister just leaves . His parent 's are divorced , and his mom ( Catherine Keener ) works late . She comes home , and tries to spend a little time with Max , but she , too , is busy with projects and a boyfriend . Outside of school , Max has no one . He leads a lonely existence . One night , unable to contain himself any longer , Max fights with his mom and runs away . He sails off to an island and meets the Wild Things . Max becomes their king and finds the Wild Things are just like the people back home . VIOLENCE : There is plenty of violence . Max chases the dog . He has a snowball fight and destroys his sister 's room . He bites his mom . There is a scary storm while Max is sailing , and the boat capsizes . When Max first sees the Wild Things , it is at night , and there is a fire ; one of the Wild Things is destroying and breaking things . This scene is dark and violent . The monsters threaten to eat Max . There are dirt ball fights , hitting with sticks , and one Wild Thing gets his wing ripped off . He is later seen with a stick for a wing . A raccoon is thrown like a ball during a game . LANGUAGE : One d - mn and h - ll . One character says " G - d , you 're selfish , " and a couple of other instances where God 's name is taken in vain . Max and Carol both say , " I 'll eat you up . " Max tells his mom , " I hate you . " OTHER OBJECTIONABLE CONTENT : Max 's mom kisses her boyfriend , and they drink wine . His teacher is talking about the solar system and the sun dying out and the solar system being destroyed in a number of ways - war , global warming , etc . Max lies to the monsters about being a king . Max later tells Carol ( James Gandolfini ) , " The sun is going to die . " KW tells Max to " crawl inside my mouth " to hide . Inside KW there is a live raccoon . When Max needs to come out , KW pulls him out , and he is covered with slime . The Wild Things all represent Max and people in his life . The feelings of a lonely little boy are captured in the film , and I believe that helps children to feel less alone if they know that those feelings are common among everyone . KW has 2 friends , Bob and Terry . When she brings them around , everyone welcomes them . Carol feels isolated and doesn 't understand " the new kids . " Life is very much like that . In group situations , it is easy to feel left out , and kids and adults often do not do a very good job making everyone feel welcome . If you watch the film , watch for how Max is working out his feelings of isolation , being left out , not feeling loved , and aggression . You can definitely use these as talking points with your children . These are also important things to remember as adults - when was the last time you felt like you didn 't belong or nobody listened to you ? " Be happy with people who are happy . Cry with people who cry . Agree with one another . Do not be proud , but be friends with anybody . Do not think you are wiser than you are . When people do wrong things to you , do not do wrong things to them also . But try to do good things for all people . As much as you can , live in peace with everyone . " God calls us to be a light to people in a dark , lonely world . Children are never too young to learn to look outside of themselves . By teaching your children to rejoice and cry with others , you teach them empathy . Compassion for others takes the focus off of self . I took my family to see this movie ( ages 19 - 5 ) , and , although I love the book , I did not love the movie . There are aspects of the movie that I like , but I definitely cannot recommend this movie for kids under 7 - 8 . I don 't think young girls will get this movie at all , and there are too many disturbing images for younger children . Also , there are too many slow moving dialogue scenes to hold the interest of small children . My 19 year old son liked the movie and " got it ; " my 16 year old daughter didn 't . I asked some young adults ( both male and female ) about the movie , and they loved it . My overall recommendation is that this movie will appeal to older children and young adults . Positive - " Where The Wild Things Are " is unlike any movie I have ever seen . Spike Jones successfully portrays an entire film from the viewpoint , logic , and , heightened view of emotions of a 9 year old . The movie gives the audience to feel once again the grandeur of being a child . Everything in the movie is larger than life . The movie itself is very dark . The subtext dealing with some very real issues that families deal with , and how those issues are viewed by a young child . The fact is that life is not always happy . As one of the monster 's says to Max " being a family is hard . " This film portrays this truth by the characters interactions and the way they handle situations . The monster 's reason on the level of a nine year old , which works all too well for the movie . With a very dark , and what some would consider depressing tone , heed the PG warning . But bear this in mind , the issues dealt with in this movie are ones that every family / person has to deal with in their life . My Ratings : Moral rating : Average / Moviemaking quality : 4 ½ Positive - My teen - aged son and I went to view this movie because the book has been a favorite in both our childhoods . He loved it ! I did , too . The movie is dark in places , and I do not think children under 10 should see it , not only might it scare them and because the themes are mature . I must say , some of the " objectionable content " is really not objectionable to me , though , having a glass of wine with dinner and kissing my boyfriend is not unbiblical , nor did it come off that way in the movie . But , that 's my view . As far as RW hiding Max in her , that is pure attachment theory . She was " his mom " in the monster part of the movie - protecting him ( and the raccoon ) just as Max 's mother did when she knew he was troubled . I thought it was beautiful and well done … for a beast and a kid . If you do take teens or children , please take time to debrief after viewing . There is much to discuss here . It was unbelievably beautiful , creative , and intelligent . I was pleasantly surprised . My Ratings : Moral rating : Average / Moviemaking quality : 4 ½ Positive - This is one of the best , most beautiful films of 2009 ! Come Oscar season , I hope this film becomes one of the leading contenders . Spike Jonze is a genius . Like all of the great directors of the world , he has a style that is uniquely his own , and WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE is a textbook example of this . It 's THE most original " family " film that I have ever seen . I have never seen anything quite like it . More for adults than for children , this film has an emotional complexity that weaves itself beautifully into the non - linear narrative . It is about childhood , what it is like to be misunderstood , to be a " wild thing , " and the need to be loved . It 's a universal story that we can all relate to . Max Records delivers a beautifully understated performance , and the limited use of CGI to bring the characters to life adds a new dimension to the atmosphere of the film . It makes the characters a bit more tangible on an emotional level , and as a result , tn ' the film evolves into a richly textured character study . These wild things have many , many layers . I loved them all . Everything about the film is perfect . The direction , the acting , the music , it all adds up to a magical experience that no one should miss . Another thing should be noted : this film does not sell out . It doesn 't water it 's harder themes down for children . It has very dark moments , and if you are a discriminating parent , you may want to screen this film before you take your kids . However , this is not a bad thing . It 's what gives the film it 's guts . The fact that it doesn 't lower itself to typical Hollywood family film standards is amazing to me ! It adds to it 's charm . It 's more an indie film than a Hollywood popcorn flick . Excellent ! I loved it , and I will see it again ! Positive - In the real world , Max loves to play and pretend , but he is dealing with " big kids " in the neighborhood and his mom 's dating someone . His mom is played by , well , I think it must be his mom , cause she looked so average and " un - Hollywoodish " … showed such love for Max . As someone who remembers how hard it was to accept when my divorced mom started dating , I could relate well to Max 's feelings of frustration . If anyone thinks a child is just going to smile and say " yes mam " as they watch a new person enter their family … . Well , it doesn 't usually go that smoothly . I didn 't bite my mom , but I was a girl … and Max is not … and it 's a movie . In the world of " wild things " Max learns to have confidence . He leads them in building , exploring . He " lights up " when he sees they follow his commands . They dance and run to music , they build a huge home , have a dirt clod war . At first this world appears perfect but then he starts to hear friction between the creatures . Their problems start to parallel his own @ home . As one of them teaches the others to accept , etc . Max begins to think of his family and I think he starts missing them . There are scary scenes , I think 12 and up … but isn 't that what PG means ? Though the book may attract 7 - 8 yr olds , this is a PG movie . We can tell kids to treat their brother right , but seeing what Max 's sis does , might help someone realize they need to work on getting along . The dirt - clod war was fought as a way to get out their frustrations , but when someone got hurt , they learned something … Yes , the main creature did get mad when he realized Max wasn 't a king , and wanted to eat him ( cause he 's a monster ) , but he changed and realized he cared for Max . I think kids and pre - teens can learn a lot from watching this movie . My 25 yr old son and I loved it . My Ratings : Moral rating : Better than Average / Moviemaking quality : 5 Positive - I have read Maurice Sendak 's book and just saw the film . While not definitely in tandem with the book itself , it was a good movie . It was refreshing to see a story from the viewpoint of a 9 year old boy with a vivid imagination and in need of a friend or two . My only problem was the violence in the film . Without it , it would 've been a great children 's movie . My hats off to Spike Jonze for putting this all together . Positive - I 'm not sure why some people have the idea that " too deep for kids " equals " bad movie , " which is the gist I get from most of the reviews here . I 'm actually shocked at the amount of negativity I see here . No , this is not a kid 's movie , and it shouldn 't have been advertised as such . But that doesn 't change the fact that it is in fact a very well done movie . The visuals are fantastic , and it has some very thought provoking themes . Max had all of these deep issues that each of the Wild Things represented , and they enabled him to better understand his own issues and make the right choices to work through them . I found it to be a fantastic movie and would not hesitate to recommend it for teens and up . Positive - I am confused by some of the negative comments made by commenters who claim to have read the book , let alone claim to be fans of it . One criticizes the portrayal of Max as disrespectful . Another professes a failed expectation for a story that is happy and bright . The Max of the book is disrespectful , and the story line of the book does not suggest the happy and bright picture of many conventional children stories . This does strike me as a difficult movie to market . On the surface , a story of a young boy escaping into an imaginary world stuffed with farcical monsters , this movie seems to have children ( and not adults ) as its target audience . The narrative and imagery of the movie are not Biblical , but neither was the book 's . However , the movie adaptation invites Biblical conversation , especially on the subject of the monsters ' desire for a King . In our world of broken families , Max 's problems are not so fantasy . The movie does not make light of these . And it does not offer a trite solution . Nor should it . And I believer that how a viewer responds to the movie says more about the viewer than about the movie - in - itself . Christ is King . Christ is the Light . And this is a messed up world just as the movie depicts . And as Christians we are called to love one another unconditionally . This leads me to a final thought on another negative comment : " The only message we got from this movie is that if you want to be a hooligan and bite your mother , just run away from home ; she will hug you when you return , and you won 't even have to apologize ! " My response : " And he [ the prodigal son ] arose and came to his father . But when he was still a great way off , his father saw him and had compassion , and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him . " Luke 15 : 20 The son 's apology in Jesus 's account came after the father 's expression of unconditional love . That 's the key . It 's not humankind 's apology that compelled Christ to choose the cross . It was love . Positive - I felt this movie portrayed many human themes beautifully ( rejection , loneliness , jealousy , war , and love ) . My soul was stirred . In that regard I have to ask myself , why ? It 's usually because I am reminded of great spiritual truths . The monsters have spent their whole lives searching for a real king . That is - something much greater than themselves . When Max comes along , they place their faith in him , and it turns out that he is not the king or idol they expect ( sound familiar ? ) . But , it turns out that he was the best king of all . In Max they found that thing which is much greater than themselves and that is LOVE . By the monsters expressions and behaviors to each other and Max as he leaves , it is clear they finally get it . It is clear Max 's mother gets it as we see her adoring him late into the night as he eats his dinner . And it is clear Max gets it as he gazes intently at his mother after she falls asleep . By God 's grace I have come to understand that such love come from God and that God is Love . I hope you get it too . My Ratings : Moral rating : Excellent ! / Moviemaking quality : 5 Neutral - … there was a sh * t and an a * * hole during the part where they are talking about building a fort . He yells the words out . I 'm glad I was the only one watching it . I 'm sick of Hollywood injecting this stuff in movies meant for kids . KEEP IT OUT , or we 're quitting watching movies altogether . Why can 't they respect our right to keep our kids clean ? Negative - My husband and son are huge Sendak fans with Where the Wild Things Are being their favorite book . Admittedly I 'm less of a fan . We saw the movie today , and my 8 year old asked repeatedly to leave the theater - a first . The story was frankly depressing and boring . I suppose the visuals were interesting , but IMHO certainly nothing special much less spectacular . From a Christian perspective the movie is utterly dismal . I can 't recall any swearing , etc . , but that doesn 't make the movie good by any means . Max 's behavior is abhorrent . He 's clearly a kid with some serious problems - likely due to his parent 's divorce and his Mom dating again . He 's disrespectful - to the point of biting his Mother . His sister 's behavior is equally unkind and insensitive . When Max is reduced to tears by her teenage friends she just shrugs and leaves . As dismal as this family situation may be it pales in comparison to that of the monsters . What a sad , depressing , lonely tale . Carol has serious anger management issues - in one rage he rips off his friend 's arm . I could go on about this , but the bottom line is save your money . Take your kids to see " Toy Story " 1 & 2 or " Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs " instead . What a shame for what could have been such a great film . My Ratings : Moral rating : Offensive / Moviemaking quality : 2 ½ Negative - We took our kids to see this movie tonight . I would not recommend it . It is dark with very few points of laughter . While the book was a story built around a boy who creates a fantasy land , the movie feels more like the story of an adult who had a really bad childhood . The Monsters are dark , depressing , and violent . We wanted to get up and leave several times but thought it might be worse to leave or things might bet better . ( and we have left movies before ) . Didn 't happen . Rather than focus on the moral ( which I am still trying to figure out myself ) , at the end I asked about what their favorite monster was vs . dwell on the dismal plot , violent plot . One more reason to screen or read reviews from sites like this BEFORE taking the kids . We have learned our lesson … again . In the end , I do feel there are some good discussion points for older kids but not much more than the special effects for younger kids . I would not recommend this film because of its dark and dreary content . My wife and discussed the fact that there were few things of the " Spirit , " to latch onto . Save your money . There were only a few instances of swearing , but anger was a predominate theme in this movie . One of the first scenes where you see the monsters one of them is tearing their village apart , and all are about to eat Max until he tells them he is a " king . " The music played during the especially angry parts of the movie did not help anything . This movie is definitely not for young children . My family wasted our money on this disappointing movie , don 't waste your money . My Ratings : Moral rating : Offensive / Moviemaking quality : 3 ½ Negative - " Where the Wild Things Are " is one of those movies which is full of sound and fury , but otherwise doesn 't seem to make any sense . The premise of the film concerns an emotionally troubled child who lives with his divorced mother and his teenage sister . Max is lonely , insecure , aggressive , and escapist . He likes to hide in blanket forts , in snow igloos , and other enclosures . He likes to terrorize his dog , to wear animal pajamas , to roar like a lion , and to attack his sister 's guy friends with snowballs . Max kicks fences , tears things , and when he isn 't acting out his frustration , he is asking for attention . Max is a mess . He resents the attention his mother is giving to her date and ends up biting her so hard on the shoulder that she is both hurt and surprised by his intention to cause her harm . He runs away from home , goes out to sea , and sails to an island where certain wild things live . The wild things are extremely powerful and destructive , although they never hurt Max physically . He tries to be their " king " and to rule them , but he is unsuccessful and ends up making the monster family even more dysfunctional then it was before . Max , when acting emotionally , is a real monster who hurts even other monsters . Metaphorically speaking , the monsters are emotions . FREUD - The viewer at this point begins to see the connection between emotions and disorder . Max is a bundle of raging desires . His mother yells at him that he 's " out of control " just as Max yells at one of the wild things that it 's " out of control . " The problem is that there is nothing to ameliorate the desires . Max 's desires , his " wild things , " reside in the id which , according to Freudian psychology , is the child - like part of the unconscious . The id is driven by the " pleasure principle " which seeks to gratify all of its desires every moment . Max 's life is an unbounded pursuit of pleasure , of avoidance , of repression , of denial , of regression . But even when he 's running away from home and from his mother , he gets pleasure from the act . The divorced father ( the superego ) is not there to keep Max ( the id ) in place . The mediating influence of the mother ( the ego ) is insufficient to control Max . Where the " wild things are " is where Max is : in the id , the island in the unconscious of the sea . In its plot , the book ( 1963 ) is very similar to The Lord of the Flies ( 1954 ) . Both works feature absent father figures ( the superegos ) , both have ineffective mother figures acting as egos ( Ralph in the novel ) , both feature the wild desires ( id ) of boyhood , and both take place on an island ( the unconscious ) . In Golding 's novel , order is restored when the adult men find the boys . However , in this movie , Max returns to a home without a father . In other words , from a Freudian perspective , this story cannot end well . There is no superego to control the id ( the child ) and to protect the ego ( the mother ) . Max is having Oedipal conflicts ( resenting the boyfriend ) which express themselves in aggression toward his mother . This archetypal drama is also acted out by a wild thing who creates breast - shaped , miniature mountains and then destroys them . The giant womb the wild things create also becomes unsafe for Max . Ultimately , the most powerful wild thing threatens to " eat " ( consume ) Max , and Max has to escape the dangerous realm of the id ( unbridled emotions ) and return to the sane realm of the ego : home and mom . In the creepy ending , Max smiles at the sleeping face of his mother . The smile might be affectionate , but my take is that it 's mischievous , because the viewer knows the mother cannot control Max who has already bitten her once . Max didn 't apologize for biting her , and the expectation is that Max will go on being a monster , feeding off the security the ego provides . The movie ends with him in his monster pajamas , eating and waiting for her to awaken . Since there has been no repentance expressed by Max , the viewer expects that the cycle of irrational and unfettered behavior will resume all over again . The irony is that " Where the Wild Things Are " is a cuddly monster movie for children and a psychological horror film for adults in the tradition of " The Bad Seed " ( 1956 ) , another Freudian - themed film . Every parent should see it and immediately go home and spank their child on principle ( metaphorically speaking ) . The movie is a perfect illustration of how liberal child - raising ( reasoning with emotions ) causes a child to become frustrated , aggressive , and demanding because the child cannot control its own emotions . When the parent tries to talk the child into controlling its own emotions , this only exasperates the child because it sees the parent as withholding that which would make the child happy . When parents help children to control their emotions through discipline , children acquire peace in the structured home life that the discipline provides . They have higher self - esteem ; they are less likely to have anger issues ; they develop a balanced personality that they can " drive " rather than be driven by . Only when children are given structure can they find rest from the wild thing that is in them . As a form of entertainment , I don 't recommend the movie only because it 's an emotional onslaught with no narrative depth . As an object lesson in how not to raise children , it 's invaluable . Negative - As far as production value is concerned , this film is phenomenal . Everything from the visual effects to the cinematography is well done . The animatronics are very believable . The film is colorful and the scenes and locations often seem to reflect paintings ; perhaps they are meant to emulate Sendak 's book ? The music probably fits the " indy " genre very well . It really sets the tone of the movie , and it is possible that I will pick the soundtrack up ; I didn 't hear any swear words in the lyrics . The music is great . As far as good goes for this film , that is all I have to say . I think this is the kind of movie that film critics are really going to love , as it is very " artsy " and psychoanalytical in certain ways . My main issues with the film are as follows : Just from a story point of view , I was very confused as to what it exactly was about . I understood that the monsters represented the child 's psyche ( aspects of his own personality mixed with those of the people around him ) and that the child had a very disturbing anger issue which he expressed through acts of violence and rage . But so much of what actually went on in the movie was confusing . It was even more confusing because of the second issue I had a problem with : the conflict / resolution in the film . It is obvious in the movie that the child had deep emotional problems and that he was on the island because of these issues , sort of " battling with himself , " or , perhaps " learning to cope " in some way . But the problem never feels like it is properly resolved . The ultimate message of the movie ( which is really hard to pin - down ; it seems very postmodern to me ) as far as I could gather it was : " life is hard and it gets harder and all you can do is deal with it . " At one point in the movie , one of the monsters is depressed because of his own feelings of inadequacy in relation to the false promises that the child made about being a " king . " The child said he would fix the problems of the monsters , and it was later discovered that he was just an average child with no powers . This causes one of the monsters to ask if there truly is a king who could give them any sort of hope , and he seems to conclude that there is not . This goes along with the child 's teacher , who , earlier in the movie , posits that one day the sun will burn out and consume the solar system , but that humans will likely have eradicated themselves long before such an event takes place . I am bold enough to say that the depressed monster and the fatalistic teacher seem to not - so - subtly represent doubts about Christianity ( or possibly any sort of supernatural / theistic belief . ) The answer to the monster 's query is that there is no king who will protect , provide for and rescue him . He is apparently doomed to live a hopeless existence , in the same way that the world is apparently doomed to be consumed by the sun one day . Dave Eggers , who co - wrote the screenplay for this film , also wrote " What is the What ? " which was the story of Valentino Achak Deng , one of the " Lost Boys " of Sudan . Deng himself struggled with the problem of evil related to the incredible suffering he witnessed and endured during the civil war in Sudan . While the book does not dwell on the issue all that much , it unashamedly questions God 's role in the evil that took place in Sudan . Was it God who brought the evil , or was it God who stood by and watched the evil ? Is there even a God , if He would allow such terrible things to happen ? It seems like Eggers may have translated some of that thinking into the screenplay for this film . It is very unclear what the child was supposed to have learned from his experience , as there is no tangible point where it is made evident that he learned anything at all . I kept waiting for a moment where the boy would realize the error of his ways , the " Eureka " moment where he would be reconciled with the monsters for being dishonest with them and return home to his mother to apologize for hurting her . I waited , but it never came . If it did come , there was nothing overt about it . In the book , the child chooses to return home to his mother because he realizes that she is more important than the Wild Things . In the movie , he seems to leave the island depressed , realizing that he has hurt the Wild Things by lying to them about being a king with special powers . He seems to return home because he has to , rather than because he misses and loves his mother . ( Admittedly , he runs home to see her , but the reason he leaves the island in the first place seems to be related to what I wrote above , as far as I could tell . ) From a philosophical / moral perspective , what is so objectionable about this film is the utter senses of hopelessness and fatalism that are present throughout . The film seems to have underlying atheistic assumptions : there is no one looking out for us ; there is no one who is going to help us . There is no " king " with power to protect us ; if we live long enough to see the sun die out , we will die with it . The monsters put their faith in the child , only to be shattered when they find out he is a fraud . Their hope was an illusion ; hope is a placebo . Aside from that , the monsters themselves , while functioning as comic relief at certain points , were actually quite frightening . And I do want to say at this point to those of you who are parents : this is NOT a kids ' movie ! It is very much an adult movie with adult themes . Do not let its PG rating and the fact that it is based on a children 's book fool you . What was so scary about the monsters ( and they were ; there were children crying in the theater ) was not that they had horns and sharp teeth and massive bodies . It was that they were personifications of the child 's mind , and thus were incredibly immature and flippant with their dangerous strength and ferocity . It was like the movie " The Last King of Scotland , " where Nicholas Garrigon says to Immi Amman , who calls himself a king , " No , you 're a child . And that 's why your so * * * * ing scary . " Essentially , the monsters were the same way . I felt the same sense of dread watching this film as I did while watching " The Last King of Scotland ; " there was a constant fear that one of the beasts would snap and rip the child to shreds . Numerous times throughout the movie , several of the monsters threatened to eat the child . When the child first arrives , one of the monsters removes the child 's ( who is made king ) crown and scepter from a pile of smoldering human bones . At the end of the movie , it is revealed that he is the only king that the monsters hadn 't eaten , and thus the source of the bones , while hinted at earlier , are confirmed . There is a constant sense of tension in the film that the child is surrounded by a pack of immature and very dangerous creatures . Like the child himself , there is a constant teetering between a sense of happiness and a near explosion of rage , especially with the " main " monster who seems to most clearly personify the boy , voiced by James Gandolfini . It is hinted at more than once that if the child says or does the wrong thing , he will be killed . The monsters seemed to personify very visceral and explosive emotions that made the child himself violent and angry at times . It was honestly disturbing to watch the beginning of this movie . The child is portrayed very well and very realistically ; the sad thing is , I think there are a lot of kids like that today . I used to be one of them , so seeing it on the big screen really hit home for me . I think of how angry and upset and explosive that I used to be when I was younger , and it makes me glad for the grace of Jesus Christ , who changed my heart and made me a new person . I am not convinced that a so - called " placebo " of faith could be responsible for so radical a change . The " king ' represents nothing more than shattered faith in this film . I think one of the main messages of this film is that we have to fix ourselves , because no one else is going to do it . While I am all for personal responsibility and self - reflection , I am very much convinced that there is a King who can change our hearts and lives . We will not burn ourselves away with blood lust or global warming , for as the last chapters of scripture tells us : the end will come on His terms , not ours . Morally , it can be lighthearted at times , but this is because of the immaturity of the 9 - year - old protagonist whom the monsters represent . In reality , the creatures personify the very skewed psyche of a troubled and disturbed child who expresses his deep emotional hurt and feelings of loneliness and betrayal physically and violently . The tone of the film is downright dark at times , expressing hopelessness , fatalism and explosive rage . Negative - My family and I went to see this movie Saturday morning . After about 30 min . , we left and got our money back . I admit I have never read the book , so I had no deep desire to watch it . The movie was interesting at the beginning but after a while I couldn 't help but feel like I was watching an " Emo " movie . Not my thing . It also seemed like a take on HR Puffenstuff . When Max first met the wild things and they wanted to eat , that whole scene seemed to have a demonic feel to it . Not too much longer after that we left . My 10 and 8 yr old girls did not like the movie and were scared . My wife felt it was just a creepy movie . I just felt there were other movies out there that were more uplifting and entertaining that I would rather be watching than a downer like this one . Negative - I was looking forward to what I thought would be a cute , warm fuzzy movie . This movie does not fit that bill at all . I would therefore say that the trailers were very misleading . The main character was a very unhappy and depressing young boy - who acts out in a disrespectful manner , then takes off in the night and finds an island with " wild things " that have the same characteristics he does . It 's a downer . My Ratings : Moral rating : Average / Moviemaking quality : 3 Negative - I have searched for the right words to adequately describe my displeasure with this film and I found them on this site . Please read Daniel 's , age 24 , review . It is , by far , the best analytical description that I have found based on my faith . What great insight ! Thank you Daniel ! Based on that , I would not recommend this movie to anyone . Negative - I took my 9 year old son to this movie and may I say , don 't make the same mistake . I have never walked out of a movie before but I did today . After my son had said several times , " I don 't like this . " in a scared , strange voice . I told him we didn 't have to stay . We tried , hoping it would improve but we left after an hour and a half . It was just very strange and I feel it was to deep for children . I was very disappointed in it compared to the book . OK the boy had issues at home and went to his imaginary land but then his imaginary friends had major anger issues and wow … I can understand the deeper issues and how they relate to his real life but … Way too deep for my child . A real disappointment . I would not waste my time and money ! My Ratings : Moral rating : Offensive / Moviemaking quality : 4 Negative - I saw this movie with three generations of Christians , ranging in age from 6 to 62 , and not one of us enjoyed the movie - at all ! The opening act , set in the boy 's home and neighbourhood has a low - budget , home movie look ; wherein the boy over - reacts to everything . Although the Wild Things he meets in his fantasy world probably represent his peers , they are voiced by adults , making their petty , whiny and argumentative character all the more annoying . The only message we got from this movie is that if you want to be a hooligan and bite your mother , just run away from home ; she will hug you when you return , and you won 't even have to apologize ! Negative - I read the reviews on this site and decided to take a chance on getting this film for viewing on our family movie night . Within the first 15 minutes of the movie our children 13 , 11 and 5 were all asking what was wrong with the little boy , and I think we were all kind of uncomfortable watching the immature temper tantrums , meltdowns and " it 's okay for me to do it to you , but not okay for you to do it back to me , so now I 'm going to pout and throw a huge destructive tantrum " scenarios get played out . After watching the entire movie , my summation was " Little selfish boy throws huge temper tantrums , likes destroying things and when he doesn 't get what he wants , he bites those in charge and runs away . Then he comes back and gets rewarded for all of this with a big piece of chocolate cake " . The characters were pretty well done and looked realistic at several points , at others though our children commented at how " fake " they looked too , so I think it was mixed . I asked and I don 't think any of us really enjoyed or liked the movie at all . Everyone just said it was " weird " and seemed kind of disturbed by things in it . Overall , I really didn 't have anything very positive to talk to our kids about after this movie . It really just felt like a 1 ½ hour lesson on how " NOT " to act and how " NOT " to be . I think they have enough examples of that in their day to day interactions at school and just really didn 't see very much that was redeeming about this movie . I still have absolutely no idea why this book is such a " classic " ( even after reading it a few times ) and can 't see any reason why this movie would be either unfortunately . My Ratings : Moral rating : Offensive / Moviemaking quality : 3 ½ Negative - Do not take young children to see this movie . It was absolutely horrid . I took my 8 yr old daughter ; both of us being very eager to see this film that is being hailed as a " modern masterpiece " and an " instant classic . " We sat there stunned as this wonderful book was totally gutted and left hanging to dry . Nothing like the book at all . All the monsters were constantly arguing and mad at each other , everybody seemed like they were manic - depressive , running around feeling guilty , depressed , angry , sad , etc . The entire spectrum of negative emotions was thoroughly explored in this movie . I felt manipulated … It felt like some strange government psy - op , designed to bring out the worst in people . There were hardly any happy moments throughout the entire movie ; all the characters ( both human and non - human ) moped about sadly throughout the film ; crying , wallowing in self - pity , anguish , depression , and self - inflicted psychological punishment . Several small children were crying in the theater because it was so sad and negative , I 'm not kidding . I am so angry at being deceived . The ads for this film portray it as a positive , magical journey , when it was just the opposite . All it is is a flaming exercise in negativity and self - indulgent wallowing . The movie is jam - packed with subliminal messages and suggestions , all designed to make you feel bad about yourself and others . This one will make you feel awful inside for several hours after you leave the theater . No redeeming qualities whatsoever . Nothing but a big shameful sad - fest . I wish I could get my money back . No , I wish I could go back in time and choose never to see it . This film in the practical sense of how it played out , was terrible ! As the story progresses , we have an understanding that the boy must have been on this island at least a few weeks . So , how did he survive when their was clearly no source of drinking water ( he never drank ) or any source of food ( he never ate ) Also , I really would have liked to have known where these creatures came from and how long they had been around . Where were their offspring , their elderly ? They had no way to survive on the island . No food ! No water ( unless they drank from the ocean ) and no source of any energy generation ! I thought it was rather idiotic that the boy wore his animal pajamas the whole time and yet at the end of the film , they did not look any dirtier than when he first arrived ! When he does go back , apparently no one bothered to look for the kid . No police were out , no indication that he was reported missing . His mother halfheartedly welcomes him home with no questions to ask of where he had been all this time . This film , mostly consisting of dry dialogue , was boring and a waste of money to make ! I feel sorry for the parents who paid full ticket price to let their kids see this looser of a film ! The only redeeming or entertaining element of this film , were the creatures ( muppets ) in how they looked . If done correctly , it could be a good film , this interpretation was not ! Negative - I thought this movie was depressing . It constantly showed the depressing dysfunction that families have . It could have been so much better focused on the fantasy side and imagination of a child but it was mostly depressing with a few good laughs . Could have gone my whole life without seeing it . It was sad to see how lost , lonely and confused this kid was . Boring and depressing . You thought he was going to really bond with these creatures and then they turn on him and are more screwed up then his own family . Boring , sad and annoying even though it had a few funny parts . My Ratings : Moral rating : Average / Moviemaking quality : 3 Negative - I can honestly say I was not happy that I chose to watch this film after my children had already seen it . Bad choice ! I did not like how dark this film was at all . I do not agree with others that this film teaches children to deal with the lonely challenging aspects of life . It gave no hope whatsoever , and frankly it scared me that my child cried at the end when Max was leaving in the boat , and the monster was on the shore . I felt like this movie had ripped her heart open for an unknown and twisted reason , and then left her hanging there without resolution or understanding as to why she hurt . It was horrible . This is a film full of a bunch of negative , hopeless , angry , withdrawn , miserable characters . Who wants to read or watch that ? It is dismal and teaches children that destruction of property is fun and okay when you are feeling down . It also frankly makes me think that some child might just be pushed over the edge watching a film such as this dark hopeless story . Please do not let your children watch it . My Ratings : Moral rating : Offensive / Moviemaking quality : 4 Negative - This movie was weird and had an awkward emotion attached to it throughout everything that happened . It was boring in some points and the ending was terrible . The movie got advertised as something it was not . Most kids will not enjoy it . One last word … Creepy ! Neutral - I saw this film with my mom . I saw the trailers and recall reading the book a long time ago , and I was interested in the art direction of the film . After viewing the film , I came away feeling like nothing was really resolved . Max never truly made amends with his mom , though he obviously understands her more clearly after his experience with the monsters . When KW swallows Max to protect him from a raging Carol , Max then realizes more about himself and his mom . However , when Max returns home , there is absolutely no dialog . This could very well be an artistic decision by the filmmakers , but I wanted to hear some vocal resolutions - I wanted to hear Max explain to his mom about how he is sorry for hurting her . After seeing how Carol reacted around his family , Max understood more about himself and how others would feel around someone so uncontrollable . I think that it takes some digging to really understand the concepts the film was trying to get across , so younger kids wouldn 't get it at all . The monsters can be frightening , but they can also be sweet and gentle . The designs of the monsters are adorable in my opinion - they have lifelike , sad faces . The film moves way too quickly in the beginning . There isn 't enough explanation about Max and his experiences , and it seems to rush through his personal life to get to the monsters . As a consequence , a lot of scenes with the monsters move too slowly and some scenes felt completely unnecessary for the good of the plot . What was up with Bob and Terry ? ! On more positive notes : the acting was superb - the voices blended seamlessly with the monsters , and the boy actor was outstanding . The art design of the film in general was very good . There were some lighthearted moments with the monsters , such as the dog pile scene . However , this is not a children 's movie by any means . Not only does it take some deep thinking to realize plot elements , but the monsters can be frightening at times . If you enjoy looking at beautiful art , good acting and intriguing character designs , that 's the only reason why I 'd recommend this film . Positive - I don 't get why people didn 't like this movie . Its a beautiful , entertaining and sad movie . It 's not really a " family " movie , its targeted at older kids and adults . I think its the best movie I have seen all year of 2009 so far . It beats Star Trek , X Men Origins and Up by far . Now people thought those where terrific but this is a lot better . The only problem I had with this movie is that it 's long . The only thing that you could call offensive in this movie is that the mom and the monster Douglas say d - - - one time but that 's about it . The thing you should know about the movie is DO NOT take any kid under the age of nine to see this movie because during the movie I saw many families with younger kids leave the movie because they were bored . But any kid over the age of nine was entertained . To sum it all up in a few sentences is that I recommend this movie in every way to everyone . Not everybody will enjoy it but most critics enjoyed it . Go see this movie and its worth every penny . Positive - I enjoyed this film ; however , your children probably won 't . It is not a kid 's movie . I was seated in front of a toddler who was bored and confused through the entire thing . There was minor language , some slight violence , and some lies told by a child . The choppy video effects during some of the action scenes made a friend of mine feel ill . But it was a beautiful film . The script is sweet and real , the scenery isolated and dream - like . The plot is complicated and symbolic - all things that would be lost to a preschooler . I was enthralled by the simple way the story played out , and impressed with both the young actor Max Records , and whomever was walking around in those large puppet costumes ! So , I would recommend this movie to anyone about 10 or up who doesn 't think they would be bored by it . God bless you ! Positive - Discussion Starter : Near the beginning , Max promises that he 'll be a King who gets rid of " loneliness and sadness " bad feelings , and anger . At the end , when he is unable to fulfill his promise , a Wild Thing comments sadly , " I don 't think there is a King who can do all that . " When I heard that I wanted to jump up and scream , " But there is ! " Jesus Christ is the King who will wipe every tear from our eyes . Neutral - I was looking forward to this movie since the first time I saw that it was coming out as a real life people , not a cartoon ! I loved this as a book when I was little and was expecting the movie to be a good , fun time . This movie wasn 't exactly what I was expecting . It was more for young adults and adults , not for children . Now , I 'm not saying it was scary , but it was more about relationships and not really a kid based fun , family movie . They even bring a doomsday thing into it . It was a very dark movie , and everyone kept getting mad at each other and it had barley any happy parts to it . But , this was still a very good movie . The cinematography is outstanding and the acting is great ! I just wouldn 't take kids to see this movie . I think they would come out a little bit confused and maybe frightened . The earliest age should probably be 10 to see this movie . Positive - I LOVE THIS MOVIE ! It wasn 't all funny , but it had a good meaning . If you are strict about violence though , this movie is probably not the one for you . The part I didn 't like was when Max bites his mom . Otherwise , I thought this movie was great ! ! Negative - I didn 't think that this movie was going to be fantastic , and it turns out I was correct . This movie was supposed to be a great movie . just like the book . This is the only reason I went , and my mom was going . This movie was much much darker than I expected . He is not ornery as I thought he would be , but out of control ! In the movie he becomes angry that his mom has a date over and gets up on the counter and starts screaming at her ! She then struggles to get him off , lands on the ground , start wrestling , and he ends up biting her ! Hard ! He ends running away … . They twisted the book into a dismal story . The only thing good was , kids could have gotten out of the movie is to behave and appreciate your parents . I did not watch the entire movie because I ended up walking out ! When I met my mom after the movie she and our friends were trying to figure out the movie . My mom could NOT get over how much of a dark , disappointing movie it was ! I strongly suggest you DON ' T WASTE YOUR MONEY AND TIME TO SEE THIS MOVIE ! My Ratings : Moral rating : Average / Moviemaking quality : 3 ½ " Where the Wild Things Are " is about an emotionally traumatized little boy whose parents have divorced , whose sister doesn 't care for him as much as she used to , who watches in horror as his mother dates someone ( not his father ) , and he is lonely and out of control . This movie shows clearly and intentionally that without Christ 's saving grace in our lives there is no hope . This movie supports marriage and shows the horrors of a broken household . This movie demonstrates that sins affect other people . This movie demonstrates that we cannot look to our own strength or the strength of others to solve all of our problems . more » Quality : From a moviemaking quality perspective and storytelling point of view this movie surpasses all possible expectations . A wonderful and heartfelt film that examines the psychological world of a emotionally damaged boy . The scenes with Max and his mother are so tender and beautiful . The young actor , Max Records , will break your heart with his sad and angst performance . The wild things are wonderful , they look both realistic and appropriately unrealistic . I truly love this movie , it is a wonderfully touching experience . It is one of the best movies I have seen this year . Spike Jonze proves again and again that he is a revolutionary and visionary director . I have watched his career since I first saw his music video for Weezer 's " Buddy Holly " in 1993 . Criticisms : My complaints about the film are worth mentioning . 1 ) Children will not enjoy this film , they will find it boring . 2 ) It is a little bit pretentious . Ok , on second thought , it is really pretentious , but Jonze does it with subtlety and style , so it doesn 't ruin the movie . Negative - I watched " Where the Wild Things Are " movie , by myself , with no one to comment on it to . So throughout the movie I was saying to my two dogs , " I can 't believe this , " or " this is pathetic ! " This was a horrible movie ! This is the worst movie I have ever seen , and I have seen " Igor . " In the beginning of the movie , Max builds a fort of snow . He goes to ask his sister to play with him , and when she ignores him , he gets some teens to play with him . Max gets hurt accidentally , and no one cares . He takes it out on his sister … No self control … Later , Max totally goes out of control . He has no respect for his mom , the only good part of this movie is when his mom 's date tells her that Max can 't treat her that way . But that 's it . more » The rest of the movie is filled with obnoxious and pathetic and stupid content . Hurting each other , and laughing ? What does this teach the younger kids who watch it ? ? ? And finally * * * spoiler alert * * * when he goes home , he doesn 't even say sorry to his mom , for biting her , for embarrassing her in front of her date , or even being disrespectful . Even after he learns how horrible he was , there is no regret that he hurt his mom ! And furthermore , Mom goes and gives him a piece of chocolate cake ! ! ! … Teach parents , " kids will love you if you have no discipline ! " or " If you reprimand them , they will run away from you ! " I know neither of these are true ! I grew up with tight discipline , I got spankings when I was a brat and I am proud of how well I act now . I HATE THIS MOVIE AND I CAN ' T BELIEVE THEY REALLY SPENT A BUNCH OF MONEY ON THIS HORRIBLE PRODUCTION . So , if you are thinking about renting , or buying this movie , DON ' T , it is sooooo a waste of money . Thankfully , I didn 't have to pay for this one , PLEASE DON ' T WATCH THIS MOVIE . Personally I 've been on the fence about watching this . Although the cinematic and artistic concepts seem excellent , and the thought of looking through a child 's perspective is very appealing , from this it looks really dark . I 'm a recovering fantasy buff , so I 'm trying my best to stay away from things that are too Labrynth - esque . I just have a steal - trap for a mind , so I 'm trying to keep in mind the good and bad . The trailers obviously don 't capture the tone of the movie at all , but at the same time it gives it a deeper depth . We don 't really understand the mind of a child , or even our own mind when we were kids , until it 's in hindsight years later . The melancholy tone is like the tone of the world : the " sorrow of the world . " I have no younger siblings who are coming to this , probably just me , and it makes me think of what a promise that we have as Christians that the world is trying to find in just " accepting the fate of the world . " Or at least what THEY think it will be . And also when the teacher says that the sun is " going to die " after we do , it may turn into a good discussion topic for kids ! Telling them what man thinks and what the Bible says . I mean , my Pastor was just saying last Sunday that his granddaughter told him they 're trying to teach her that our brain may have come from some kind of coming together of worms that just evolving into a mass . Totally false , I know , but that 's what the " educated high - class " are trying to teach . Also the monsters wanting to have a king is like man 's longing for the Lord , and when they put their hope in a human who is flawed they were heartbroken . I think the biggest red flag for me was the arm getting ripped off , which started to really allude to how dark it really was . The whole roaring " I 'm going to eat you ! ! ! " thing with Carol was going to be scary , there would be emotional tension constantly which might make the viewer uncomfortable , and seeing the sadness and lonesomeness of Max and wishing someone was there for him would make me saddened as well . I know it 's a movie , but sometimes those things are too sadly true . Like the comment I read about someone saying they wanted to shout that there was a King : the Lord , and I totally agree , but the thing is that those characters aren 't real . There are people who believe that they need someone , but they 're not on the screen , they 're in the world , where we need to be . I 'd more than likely enjoy this , I like deep introspective movies , but I can 't say that I wouldn 't feel guilty having watched it . I 'm just afraid for my mind 's and spirit 's sake . This is the first movie I 've really delved into a lot of research to see if it was appropriate from a Christian standpoint , and yet it seems the more I did the more I would feel uncomfortable to see it … I 'm just not sure at all … - Stephanie , age 18 ( USA ) To begin , you can tell by the commercials that , at least visually , it has something going for it ; the monsters look like something a child would see in their fantasies , only perhaps even more real , the settings seem amazing , and so on . I however , can see how this movie is not what they presented it to be in commercials , as far as storyline goes ; it is NOT a playful , happy children 's movie created simply to incite the imagination or to put the book on the big screen . It appears dark , scary , and sad , at least to a much further extent than they advertised . And from what I 've read , there is not much of a resolve to pull the story ( and the characters ) out from this darkness . I had no real friends , was lonely constantly , and angry at everyone . The worst part was that no one around me took it seriously , especially not my parents . School , my dreams , and even God on some days didn 't seem matter anymore : I was empty . I don 't know how I would have gotten through without God 's love , in fact I 'm pretty sure I wouldn 't have . This is what bothers me : the message that God is not there , or that he 's if He is He 's not good enough or doesn 't care . Sometimes I wonder how kids like me who don 't have God make it through life , but soon I realize they often don 't : homicide , drugs , suicide and other hopeless options are all the world has to offer them . They ruin ( or end ) their lives because they are told that " life doesn 't matter " , that " we must fix ourselves " , that " God doesn 't exist " . Without God , life is cheap . That 's why I don 't recommend movies or books with such themes . It 's kind of like building an amazing custom car and driving it off a cliff . It 's a waste of effort and potential . It 's not worth anyone 's time . We as Christians don 't need to hear this rubbish message over and over again . May be I 'm misjudging this film - after all , I didn 't see it . But I 've " been there , done that " when it comes to rage , violence feelings , and loneliness , and a movie which touches these issues but offers no hopeful conclusion or true solution just aggravates the problem . But choose for yourself ; after all , it 's just me and my opinion . God 's the one who you should ask about seeing this film . - Rene , age 15 ( USA ) I have not had the pleasure of viewing this film , but I did fall in love with the book and so did my now 13 year old daughter . My 13 year old is supposed to go and see this movie with her father this weekend and I will not be attending . I trust your feed back and I have decided to allow her to see this movie . I appreciated your clear and God sent response to " Where did Cain find a wife and was she kin ? " Wow ! You broke that down as if God himself were speaking to me . Thank you . I was looking through all the negative comments about this story and it having a hopeless feel to it . In a way , this is good because it 's told from a non - Christian perspective . Many secular movies are not honest with viewers and represent things wrong . They point kids to self esteem and believing in yourself , etc . which does not solve the real problem ( our sin ) . As a result many ( including CHristians ) seek to be fulfilled with relationships , careers , money , good works , etc . The Truth is without Christ , life is pretty dark and hopeless . Maybe this is what we need to communicate to our children after watching this movie , and also explain to them this is why we need to share this precious gospel to everyone . just my 2 cents . God bless .
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I had just finished sweeping off the deck and am preparing to take a dip in the pool to cool off . Tim is taking advantage of the seclusion my cottage afforded by working on his all - over tan . My 5 ' 10 " , blonde haired , blue - eyed , muscular , 150 pound friend had just broken up with his boyfriend of two years and is in need of some peace and quiet . We 've had a ' more - than - just - a - friend ' relationship for about five years , since my coming out , and have occasionally spent the night in each other 's bed . Nothing serious , but more than just a friend . When Tim called me midweek wanting to come to my house just to talk , I knew he needed a friend more than a lover . Once there , he cried for two hours sobbing out the events that led to his lover telling Tim he 'd been sleeping with his secretary for three months , she 's pregnant , and he 's going to marry her . We stayed up most of the night talking ( we hadn 't done much more talking since he met Rodney ) , and I asked him if he 'd like to spend a long weekend at the cottage to regroup . I made it clear that I expected nothing in return and that I 'd enjoy the company . Enough background . He raised up and smiled as I dove into the water . Gliding from the force of my dive , I 'm a bit surprised when he plunged in next to me at mid - pool . I hooked an arm behind his leg and pulled him under . We both popped to the surface together and Tim 's arms went around my neck . I pulled him close to me and could feel his hard body press against me as our lips met . We kissed gently at first , but as Tim pressed his hips against me and my cock began to get harder , our passion flared . I put my hands on his bare butt , cool in the water , firm and smooth as I pressed him against me . As our kiss ended , we were both out of breath and flushed with passion . As he gently squeezed my shaft , he said , " It 's been two years since I 've had a real man like you inside me . I don 't know what it is , but you do something different , or right , and no one else makes me feel like you do . " He purred . " Yes , I want you ! " I kissed my way slowly down the inside of his leg , nipping lightly with my teeth as I went . It is almost ninety out , but still he shivered and goosebumps appeared on his upper thighs . As I ever - so - gently touched his balls with the tip of my tongue , he shuddered and let out a growling moan . His hands went to the back of my head , his fingers tangling in my hair as he pulled my face hard against his dripping cock . I stuck my tongue as deeply into his piss - hole as I could and let my teeth just touch his cock as I slid up and down . Tim 's hips started to buck and he gasped for breath . " OH , GOD , " he finally screamed as the waves of his powerful orgasm broke over him . That 's one thing I really liked about Tim , there is never any question as to whether he is enjoying himself or not . As I tortured him by softly tonguing small circles around his cock - head we were startled by a commotion in the front of the cottage . Being half a mile down a heavily wooded gravel road guarded by a locked gate , I 'm not too concerned about visitors . These sounds were by no means mechanical , and sounded like animals fighting . There on the front lawn , about ten feet from the edge of the porch were three dogs ; a small beagle - looking bitch very much in heat , a somewhat larger brown male actively trying to fuck the beagle , and a young but full - grown beautiful black Great Dane . The bitch is almost too small for the brown male and he couldn 't get his long red prick to hit home effectively . Every third or fourth lunge , she 'd raise up and he 'd lower enough that he 'd get about half of his 5 inch dogsdick into her . Then , just as they would try to get a rhythm going , he 'd slip out . The Dane is fit - to - be - tied and is just too tall to get anywhere near the bitch . Nevertheless , he had at least eight inches of hard canine cock exposed and , as Tim so aptly described it , is air - fucking . The brown dog is at least getting his dick wet , but the Dane isn 't getting any relief . " I 've never watched dogs fucking like this before . It 's really kind of neat , in a kinky sort of way , isn 't it ? " Tim said , never taking his eyes off the trio . " Poor thing , " Tim muttered . " He 's too big to get anywhere and it sounds like he 's in pain . He reminds me of Danner , the dog my neighbours had when I was little . " About that time , the brown dog and the beagle - bitch got their ' act ' together and got a good humping rhythm going . I put my arms around Tim and ran my hand into his robe . I caressed his right tit rolling his hard nipple gently between my thumb and forefinger . He wriggled his butt against my half - hard cock . ( Yes , I too is turned on by the show we were getting . ) As the brown male thrust in and out of the smaller beagle , we could see an inch or two of his hard prick as he pulled back to thrust in again . Tim ran his hand into his robe and moaned as his fingers touched his still sensitive cock . " If you hold him , I 'll jerk him off . He looks to be in pain and he won 't get any comfort from her . I 'll do it for him , if you 'll hold him . He 's so big , and beautiful . Oh , please help me get him off , please . " His cock is full hard as he kept rubbing it with the slippery remains of his last orgasm . At this point , the two smaller dogs were winding up their act and the male is locked inside the beagle bitch . He slid off her back and swung a leg over and there they were looking like two Siamese twins joined at the rear . I explained that when a male dog cums inside a bitch , he gets a knot in the head of his dick to ensure that all the semen remains in her , and it 'll take several minutes for it to go down so he can pull out . Tim said that it sure would be nice if some men were that way too , so they would not just cum , pull out and go to sleep . " Present company accepted , though , " he added almost embarrassed . The other two dogs were hobbling off down the road and the Dane is still stabbing at the wind . Tim stepped off the porch and the large black beast looked over at him , his cock still seven or eight inches out . As Tim approached , his tail started to wag and he patted the top of the dog 's large head . He stood not quite waist tall with Tim at the top of his head . I approached him from the other side and patted his well - muscled shoulders . He is a young adult and someone had taken excellent care of him . Tim ran his hands along his back and as he got to his flanks Tim let his hand slide under the dog 's belly . Although I couldn 't see , I could tell when he finally touched the long cock . He cooed and purred and his hips twitched over and over as Tim caressed the shaft . Tim laid his cheek on the dog 's head , and chanted , " There , there , Danner . I 'll make it better for you . I 'll make you cum . " The big dog stood there with his hips twitching in unison with Tim 's strokes , his long tongue hanging from the side of his mouth as he panted in time with his hips . I sensed that Tim is in no danger from this youngster and took my hand from his shoulder and released his collar with the other . Stepping back , I watched Tim doing what I had only fantasised about in the past . For what seemed like fifteen minutes he stroked and caressed Danner 's long pointed shaft , and I watched spellbound as Tim started to grow impatient . The dog 's long pink tongue slid out of his mouth and he licked Tim from his chin to his eyebrows . Stunned , Tim sat back on the ground and just stared at the big black dog and then he started to giggle . I laughed out loud too at the sight of him sitting on the ground in front of this magnificent beast with his robe gaping open at the waist and his legs spread in front of him like he is offering himself to the dog . Danner must have thought so too , because in an instant , he stepped forward , lowered his head and stuck his nose right into Tim 's crotch . I took a step toward them , but is stopped by a raised hand from Tim . A moment later , he squealed and raised his hips slightly , and I guessed that Danner had stuck his long tongue right into his tight asshole . His eyes got big , he got this strange look on his face , and he started to get hard right there on the front lawn . Tim shook and panted and squealed for what seemed like two minutes , before he pushed the Dane 's head away from his naked crotch and stood up . " This just isn 't the sort of thing a gentleman should be doing on the front lawn , " Tim said in mock society snootiness . I thought for a bit that he 'd had second thoughts about helping the Dane release his tension , but when he turned and headed for the porch , he said over his shoulder , " Come on , boys . Let 's go where we can have some privacy ! " With that all three of us headed back through the house to the backyard . The excitement showed , the beautiful black Great Dane had his pink tongue hanging out of his mouth and his red dog - cock hanging under his belly , and me with as much of a hard - on as I 've ever had bulging in my swimsuit . If I 'd had any neighbours , that scene alone would have given them the ammunition for gossip to last years ! I didn 't believe my eyes . Here is a fairly normal , handsome twenty - four year old man who 'd just cum not fifteen minutes ago from being sucked off by me ! And now he is coaxing the Dane in for round two . Now I am getting a real first hand show by another object of my fantasies , Tim . As the big dog 's nose touched Tim 's balls , his tongue snaked out and he licked his from his tight little asshole all the way up his stiff cock and back again . Then his haunches started humping again and I could see his long dog - dick start to twitch under his belly . Tim slid his foot under the dog 's belly and gently rubbed the cock with his toes . He held the big black head in his hands and murmured " Come on , you beautiful beast . Lick me , and make me cum again . Fuck my toes , let it go … Lick me , eat me … Come on , you beast . " Tim is pulling his cheeks apart as the dog worked slavishly on licking Tim 's hot asshole . As the two of them were lost in their own worlds , I moved closer to get a closer look . I knelt at the end of the chaise not two feet from them . I didn 't know whether to tell him no , to tell him yes , or just to cum in my swimsuit . " Take a deep breath and think about what you 're saying Tim . That 's not a man , it 's a dog , a BIG DOG , " I said . He took a deep breath and let it out in a sort of raged reverse - gasp . Taking the dog 's head in his hands , he looked into his eyes , and said , " You won 't hurt me will you , you beautiful beast " . Then he looked at me . " I want to do it for him and I remember you told me you 'd always wanted to see a dog fuck a person . " With that , he started to pull his head up his belly as he slid lower on the chaise , his butt resting over the edge . He pulled him by his ears and as he stepped up onto the chaise , his long , red , swollen dog - dick is rubbing against Tim 's own hard cock . They were about the same length , with Tim 's being slightly fatter . Tim puts his arms under his legs and pulled them up a little more . The big dog 's front feet came off the chaise and he is standing with his front feet on the ground , one leg on either side of Tim 's head . As he slid forward , the tip of his red cock touched the opening of Tim 's wet twitching asshole . I heard Tim gasp , and almost tried to pull the dog off him , but I heard him whisper , " Oh , YES ! " He raised his hips to help Danner 's entry . He took a step toward Tim with his back legs and hunched his powerful haunches and his long red dog dick slid into Tim 's wantonly wet hole . His eyes got big and he gasped sharply and groaned Again , I almost pulled the beast off him , fearing that he is going to hurt him , but I saw Tim 's legs rise over the Danes rear and lock over his pumping haunches . If Tim is in pain , he isn 't showing any signs of it . He is helping the beast and holding him tightly against him . Once inside , Danner 's nature took over and neither of them had any trouble as far as nature is concerned . Tim squealed with pleasure every time the dog thrust his long red cock into the hole , and the beautiful black Dane is , probably for the first time in his life , fucking more than air and really getting the hang of it . I watched in perverse awe as the two of them humped each other . Yes , Tim is fucking the big dog every bit as much as Danner is fucking him , and the pair were enjoying it very , very much . I 'm not having such a bad time myself . I hardly noticed the ache in my own now straining cock as I sat not three feet from those two , and I realised that I am gasping for breath . As Tim and his canine lover humped against each other I am amazed at the rhythm and the pace . Tim 's hips were twitching up to meet each and every thrust that the dog made , and Danner is humping into him twice as fast as any man could . The dog isn 't taking long strokes like a man , but once he had his long cock into him , he made short thrusting jabs seemingly trying to get in even deeper . Danner 's furry belly is crushing and sliding over Tim 's hard shaft as he humped his own slick dick into Tim 's asshole . Tim is squealing and murmuring to the dog , urging him on , and then he started to pant . It is as if he couldn 't get enough air , and then I realised that he 's cumming again , digging his heels into the animal 's flanks with his toes curled up and his nipples as hard as cherry pits . Over and over he shot against the dog 's furry underbelly as I watched . Wave after wave of pleasure swept over him again and again . The dog took a long , powerful lunge that I thought would drive them both to the ground , and then he became very still . From what I had heard , now is the time that the base of a dog 's cock swells to seal the vagina as he cums . Tim felt him start to swell and looked at me , his eyes widening . " How big will he get ? " He asked . I watched the two of them lying there on the chaise for what seemed like five minutes , and as I became aware of it , I realised that I had cum in my swimsuit , but my dick is still rock - hard . I saw the dog start to move around , getting restless I guess , and then he backed away from Tim . I heard a sucking sound and a ' Plop ' as he pulled out of him . I am surprised to see how big he is , at least 8 ″ long , and about an inch and a half thick ! He walked across the grass and lay down to lick himself . I know how Tim tastes , and I sort of envied him . We both started to laugh , and I helped him stand on what seemed to be very wobbly legs . A few short steps and he dove into the pool . I followed not wanting to miss any of the reactions to come . As we met in the middle of the pool , Tim turned and put his arms around my neck . He blushed about as red as I 'd ever seen him , and said , " It is different from making love to a man , it is making love , err , having sex with an animal , a real animal . He didn 't have anything else on his mind except cumming in me , and when he was done he just walked off . But when he first went inside me , I started throbbing and I didn 't stop until he pulled out . Little waves , big crashing ones , shudders , sharp ones , one very long one with lots of other ones mixed in . God , it 's like nothing I 've felt . " And when he started to cum in me , he started to swell up and I thought he was going to split me open . It didn 't hurt , but he felt so big down there . I wasn 't scared , but I was so excited and just wanted him inside me . When you were in my mouth and you came down my throat , I could still feel him in my butt . God , what a combination . " " Silly , there 's no substitute for the love of a man , but there 's a close second to sex with a man , and I 'm not so sure a guy couldn 't get very used to animal sex with a beautiful beast like he is . " He nodded over to the edge of the pool where the Dane is lying . " If , and I must emphasise the ' if ' , there isn 't a man around . " " When I was lying on the Chaise , and he was just going inside me , I had a flash of a thought that here I am doing it with a dog , and we 're not even doing it ' doggy - style ' . Yes , I want to do it again , not today , but I want to have him behind me next time , at least so he knows how to do it right with the other dogs . " We both laughed and hugged and headed for the edge of the pool . The big Black Dane met us at the shallow end as we climbed out , and his tail indicated that he is happy to see at least one of us . As Tim put his robe on and headed for the house , I went and got the dog a pail of water . When I returned , Danner is nowhere to be seen . " I like nothing better than to visiting you . Yesterday was Fan - fucking - tastic ! I 'd love to try some more things like that , but you 've got to promise me you 'll make me behave and not let me get into more trouble than I can handle . " With that , he stroked my swelling cock and we headed for the bedroom . Doggy - style , indeed . I 'll show him that there 's a beast in all of us .
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We flew out of Minneapolis at a reasonable time , for once . It usually seems that when my wife and I leave for a cruise we must awaken about the time we normally go to bed and then go to the airport in the dead of night . With this transatlantic we didnâ €™ t fly out of Minneapolis until 1 : 15 p . m . Our flights were uneventful other than my poor wife who suffered with an anti - biotic reaction she had just before the cruise . She was itching and miserable through the entire flight . I gave her moral support by sleeping the entire way to London . Did I ever tell you I hate busses and cruise line transfers ? Well , I do . Our flight arrived 20 minutes early and our transfer information specifically informed us to go to terminal 3 . We arrived on terminal 4 so I made a direct route to terminal 3 . I never saw an NCL rep at terminal 4 but I guess there was one around somewhere . Once we arrived at terminal 3 we spent a few minutes looking for a representative and finally my wife found them . Once we found them we sat down and waited for an hour . Then we were ushered outside to wait for the bus and waited another half hour . When the bus arrived the herding began . Be careful if you have the same reps as we did . They try to take EVERY piece of luggage , including carry ons and put it on a separate truck . Donâ €™ t give up your carry on . There is room in the coachâ €™ s storage area for them . We then proceeded on our two hour bus ride to Dover . It was a great bus . Each seat had eight inches of leg room ( yes , I measured with my wallet rulerâ €� , so I rode â € œside saddleâ €� the entire way . I have rode in the beds of trucks in the dessert , pulled by ox cart and rode horseback for hours but nothing is more miserable than sitting like a folded pair of pants in a â € œluxury motorcoachâ €� and not being able to get your legs between the seats . Now I know why I havenâ €™ t done a cruise line transfer in the last seventeen cruises . We came onboard to the new Freestyle 2 . 0 , champagne / mimosa , greeting . We boarded at 11 : 30 a . m . and the cabins were not yet ready to we wandered about the ship to get our bearings . We were quite impressed with the overall look and to get an idea of where we wanted to eat that night . We decided we would go social and opt for Teppanyaki . After that we went up to the buffet and had a light lunch . I do enjoy the layout of the NCL / Jade Garden Cafes . There are separate stations for different items such as : Hot entrees , salads , desserts , sandwiches , pizza , etc . This helps alleviate the â € œlineâ €� congestion that you find on other cruise lines . Lunch was good but the â € œhot entreesâ €� werenâ €™ t too hot . I did notice a large numbers of Asian dishes , which I love , mixed in with the standards of steamship round at the carving station , chicken , pork and beef dishes . I was a bit disappointed in the dessert selection but weâ €™ ll see if there is a larger selection in the days to come . The announcement that the cabins were now available was made promptly at 1 : 00 p . m . We went down to our cabin on Deck 10 . We have a category BA balcony cabin . The dà © cor is nice with light wood tones , a wonderfully comfortable bed and the standard sized balcony . The cabin will be more than adequate for our twelve day cruise . Initially I thought there was too little storage space but I was proven wrong . Once all of our stuff was put away we had plenty of extra room . We actually packed quite light for this cruise . We had one 26â €� suitcase and a folding suiter . I was extremely impressed with the bathroom . It is divided into three separate sections : The commode with a sliding partition , the sink area and the shower area . The commode area is a bit tight for me . My knees press up against the wall when I sit but it isnâ €™ t bad . Iâ €™ m 6â €™ 2â €� and anyone shorter wonâ €™ t have any problem . Someone taller might have a bit of a problem . We dressed for dinner 6 : 00 and strolled down to Teppanyakiâ €™ s to have our dinner . Teppanyakiâ €™ s was a fun time . We were seated with three other couples around the teppanyaki grill . Our chef put on a great show and supplied us with humor and his food acrobats . The grill was by the windows and we had a number of onlookers watching the show . If you enjoy sitting with new people and being almost guaranteed a great time , I suggest eating here . There is a $ 20 surcharge but itâ €™ s worth it . One of our tablemates had an extra â € œfirst nightâ €� coupon that she received with her documents ( we never received docs ) and kindly gave it to my wife so dinner was half price . Canâ €™ t beat that . After dinner we went to the casino to begin our gradual donation to NCL and I played blackjack and my wife played the â € œpennyâ €� slots . I played for about an hour before I grew tired of seeing my chip pile get smaller and smaller . When I still had a few left I cashed in and went back to the cabin . I found my wife pushing the button on the slot machine and wished her luck or not to get a strained finger , and went to bed . Two hours later she returned to the cabin happy as a lark . She won quite a bit hitting the dang button . Hey if it makes us money and she has fun Iâ €™ m happy . This morning we awoke at 6 : 00 a . m . and decided to try out our added perk and have breakfast at Cagneyâ €™ s . I must have been nice to someone because I had nice letter from the Hotel Manager , a bottle of good wine with chocolate covered strawberries and a large fruit basket in the cabin . I also received a letter saying that because I had not been thrown off a ship in three years I could join the suite people and have breakfast and lunch at Cagneyâ €™ s for the rest of the cruise . The breakfast was very good with a nice , but not overwhelming , variety of choices . I opted for the Buttermilk pancakes with walnut butter and caramelized apples and two eggs over easy and bacon . My wife had an eggs benedict combination with seafood . Today is a sea day so we have little planned . That is not for a lack of options . Kuki pointed out in his virtual cruise report that the options had increased and he wasnâ €™ t wrong . There is Yoga , Art History lectures , Basketball free throw competition , sushi making , orgami class , trivia and rumba dance class . Oh yeah , that just â € œsomeâ €� of the stuff before 11 : 30 a . m . Yeaaaaa , Mikey ! I get to go along with you and Betty , too ! I feel like I 'm on 2 ships at once , on the NCL Jewel and Carnival Freedom with Kuki . Hey Mike glad you are off to a great start ! I don 't know if this is your " thing " or not but tonight at dinner keep your eyes peeled for the flambe ' cart and see what deserts they are cooking up . They often have wonderful crepes and deserts like bananas foster . I love Teppanyaki , and Asian Fusion . If there is a young sushi chef there named Rambo , he is sooo nice and spoiled us rotten with his creations . They offer excellent sushi . Enjoy ! I hope Betty 's run of luck continues in the casino ! It 's my guess , Mike , that you 'd choose Trivia - got to win NCL 's prizes ! Sounds like you 2 are having a ball . . . congrats to Betty and her win at the slots . Jane We have adopted a strange body clock . Between the time change and my poor wifeâ €™ s continuing allergic reaction to antibiotics we are up at early hours . I feel for my wife and the terrible itching that she is enduring with nothing that can be done about it . Hopefully it will subside as the doctor said it would . With it being a Sea Day we were â € œFreeâ €� to do what we want . We started the day with breakfast at Cagneyâ €™ s and then spent some time by the pool . It seemed strange lying by the pool in long pants and t - shirt but it felt nice in the sun . There were more hardy souls doing the same thing than I would have thought . There are a large number of British passengers on board and , like us , the weather seems nice . We had lunch in Cagneyâ €™ s . I had a New York steak that was fairly good and my wife had gnocchi that was inedible . Whoever cooked it had over cooked it so it was nothing but a sticky paste . When gnocchi sticks to the roof of your mouth it isnâ €™ t a good thing . My wife forgot about the entrà © e and just had her dessert . Still not feeling well we went back to the cabin and she took a nap . I decided to go to the casino and see if I could continue my contribution . There was no one at the tables and the dealer said the casino had been dead all day . So I decided to sit down and play some head to head blackjack with him . I played for about an hour and at the end I was just a little better than even . Some people donâ €™ t like playing head to head but I do . The continuous shuffling machines take any advantage away from the player but it also takes it away from the dealer . Also , by playing head to head I could control the speed of the game and converse with the dealer and the staff . When I left the casino I saw my wife , who had given up on trying to nap , at the Origami class . With my complete lack of artistic and folding abilities ( I canâ €™ t fold a letter ) I went back to the cabin . A half hour later my wife presented me with a little origami box . She enjoyed the class . We did have an interesting show this afternoon . It wasn 't presented by the cruise line but by some military entitity . A large green helicopter gave the ship a LONG look . It hovered around the ship for about ten minutes . It was first on the port side and then on the starboard side . I have yet to find out why they were looking at us and where they were from . It was fun to watch it so close to the ship but I would like to have known who it belonged to . We had made dinner reservations for , guess where ? Cagneyâ €™ s ( donâ €™ t worry we will eat somewhere else ) The reservations were and early 5 : 30 and when we arrived there were few people in the restaurant . I had a 14 oz . prime rib and my wife had the mateâ €™ s cut filet . My prime rib was ok but it was over cooked from the oven and medium was the least â € œdoneâ €� I could get it . It was a little beyond medium for my taste but was still pretty good . My wifeâ €™ s filet , that she ordered medium rare , was served â € œKuki crispâ €� , referring to Kukiâ €™ s love of very well done meat . She had to send it back but within two minutes a perfect medium rare filet was placed in front of her . It was wonderful , tender and flavorful . For dessert we had a volcano cake and crà ¨ me Brule . The ceme brule was very good but my â € œmolten volcano cakeâ €� was cold in the middle . Oh well , it was chocolate and I ate it . The night ended early for us as my wife had another attack of the reaction and couldnâ €™ t take all her clothes off in the showroom and scratch so we opted to return to the cabin and call it an early night . It was a good thing because it was the longest either of us has slept in four days . It was a full six hours . I am now waiting for the buffet to open so I can go have my breakfast . Today is Copenhagen and we will be meeting a friend to have her show us the city . I am excited to see a new place that I have never been . I wonder what little , out of the way places weâ €™ ll end up ? i can not wait to start hitting europe and seeing the history culture . enjoy the trip and hope you win enough to pay for another cruise . By the way make sure you sign up for the casino at sea card , i just received a free cruise ( inside cabin but free ) for being a player . Enjoy an amazing itinerary ! ! And the ship . Delighted to hear you were greeted " properly " for a man of your " stature " ( or is that statue ) It is another gorgeous day in the Baltics . Yesterday we had a great day in Copenhagen . Copenhagen is a walkerâ €™ s paradise . We did not have a tour booked for Copenhagen . Instead we were to meet up with a friend and take a look at the city . Alas , our friend was unable to meet us due to work reasons . It sure didnâ €™ t ruin the day . If you want to walk or take a taxi you are just minutes away from the heart of Copenhagen . We started the day with breakfast at Cagneyâ €™ s . Yes , I said I was going to the Garden Cafà © but my wife wanted to go to Cagneyâ €™ s and if my wife wants it she gets it . It was a phenomenal breakfast . I had the perfect eggs benedict . I couldnâ €™ t have made it better myself . It was perfectly done poached eggs , over Canadian bacon and sitting atop a crispy English muffin . A touch of Hollandaise sauce was applied to each muffin to create a hot and tasty breakfast . After breakfast we disembarked to see what Copenhagen had to offer . As I said in the opening , Copenhagen is a great place if you like to walk . We started with a five minute walk , north , to the Little Mermaid . It is a must see for those visiting Copenhagen . We then continued north through the park and then into the main part of town . We visited the Amalienborg palace , the home of the Royal Family , Tivoli Gardens , a few beautiful churches but we spent most of our time checking out little , out of the way boutiques and antique shops . We also stopped at a couple of sidewalk cafà © â €™ s for coffee or a beer . We did some shopping at the â € œWalking Streetâ €� area . One thing we noticed was that almost everyone we came across spoke English . It bridged the communication gap . In the afternoon we began walking back with a stop in the Koenig Park to see its beauty and watch all the young people from the local college lay out in the sunshine . Once we returned to the ship we were a bit tired and my wife was still itching so we just rested until dinner . We ate in the Tsarâ €™ s Palace main dining room . It is a beautiful room decorated in a Royal , Russian , style . Dinner was fairly good with my wife ordering roasted pork loin and I ordering monk fish . No one would get trichinosis from the pork loin . It was VERY well done , to the point of being dry . The monk fish was good as well as my lamb sausage appetizer . Due to some circumstances not under my control I did little else for the next five hours . I have a neurological problem that put me out of commission for awhile and required I take a nap . When I awoke there wasnâ €™ t much else to do except go to the casino to finish the night . It was a good choice . I finally made a few dollars playing blackjack . I returned to the room around 1 : 30 a . m . and my wife was so happy I won money we decided to celebrate with a late night snack at the Blue Lagoon restaurant . The Blue Lagoon is the Pearlâ €™ s always open restaurant on deck eight . It is a smaller venue but three times the size as the one on the NCL Star . We finished the night with an order of fish and chips for me and a very good burger for my wife . Of course we had to have a piece of cheese cake and a chocolate brownie for dessert . A great end to the day . In a little bit weâ €™ ll be heading into Warnemunde . We are not going to Berlin and have decided to just wing it . Weâ €™ ll see what happens . Have you ever had a perfect cruise moment ? I had one this morning . I awoke at 5 : 30 a . m . and saw that it was just breaking day . I went out on the balcony and sat down and stared out at the glass like Baltic . The only wave was the one made by the shipâ €™ s bow as it cut through the glass like water . The early morning sky blended perfectly into the reflecting water , leaving you wondering where water ended and the sky began . As I sat on my balcony in my quiet moment , I thought that this is what cruising is all about . Yesterday was Warnemunde , Germany with another day of perfect Baltic weather . We left the ship a bit late , around 10 : 30 a . m . We had nothing major planned and had decided before the cruise not to go to Berlin . We just went around Warnemunde and Rostock . Warnemunde is the large seaport for Berlin but it is also a nice seaside city . We spent a couple of hours walking the port area and enjoying the sights and harbor . After a couple of hours we had wandered away from the port area and noticed a bus stop . We looked at the bus map and decided to go into the city of Rostock . We purchased two day passes for the bus and rail system and headed out . We thought that we should take the bus into Rostock but the first bus driver told us that he would stop at the Meglenberg Allee stop and there we should switch to the light rail train to go into Rostock . He told us to stay on the train until we reached the Alt Market . There we would find the main square , market , Ratskeller and the rest of the old town . Having a rudimentary ability to speak and understand German helped with our bus driver and when asking directions or finding a good restaurant or a type of store . There were far less people who spoke English in this area than in Copenhagen . We took a half hour bus / train ride into Rostock and against the bus driverâ €™ s advice we got off at the Neu Market just to look around . We stuck our head into a local travel shop and asked where there was a good German restaurant . She directed us a couple of blocks away to a wonderful restaurant where we had a great German meal with veal , kraut salad , some wonderful headâ €™ s cheese dish and potatoes . It was a wonderful , but filling , lunch . After lunch we jumped back on the train and went about four stops more to the â € œAlt Marketâ €� . The bus driver was not wrong . This area was quite nice with shopping , old buildings , churches and little market and square to wander around . In the past couple of years I have taken up collecting national soccer jerseys . I buy one in each country that we visit . After asking a couple of people I was directed to a sport shop that would fulfill my jersey needs . We made a couple of wrong turns but in a few minutes my jersey fix was fulfilled . We walked around for another hour or so and had a beer before jumping on the train and returning to the ship . I do want to emphasize that if you arenâ €™ t comfortable with , or have trouble , walking , donâ €™ t speak any of the foreign language , or donâ €™ t have too much time , then this mode of port visiting may not be right for you . Once back to the ship we decided to relax in the pool and hot tub for an hour or so . The day was so perfect that we could lay in the sun or just relax in the pool . After that we just rested for a couple hours before our 8 : 00 p . m . reservation at Mamaâ €™ s , the Italian restaurant . Dinner at Mamaâ €™ s ( $ 10pp ) was a good one , except the veal in my wifeâ €™ s Veal Marsala was very overcooked . The pasta is cooked perfectly and the desserts are the best I have found on the ship . I do have to say that overall the desserts have been a disappointment . They do not have much of a choice and none of them have been too memorable , except our tira misu in Mamaâ €™ s . After dinner we planned on going to the casino but the day caught up with us and we decided to stay in . After the long day and all the walking we were asleep at 9 : 30 p . m . I guess we arenâ €™ t the party folks we once were . Your wife might have had some relief in a chemist shop in Copenhagen . Danish , in fact Scandinavian and most European pharmacies are almost like ' free ' doctor 's offices and are fabulous . When you are in Finland go into any pharmacy and they might be able to propose something . I feel for her and for you . . . I have peripheral neuropathy and am in pain 24 hours a day but over the years have gotten used to it . . . On this particular cruise would you suggest a port or starboard cabin ? : we are booking the same category as you . Silly question i suppose but there usually is a better side . Mike , thank you so much for posting ! Your information will be invaluable to us . We will be on the Jewel June 10 - can 't wait ! ! We also have a BA on deck 10 , it is an aft cabin . Am I reading right that this now entitles you to lunch and breakfast in Cagneys - that is great news if that is correct ! ! Mike , thank you so much for posting ! Your information will be invaluable to us . We will be on the Jewel June 10 - can 't wait ! ! We also have a BA on deck 10 , it is an aft cabin . Am I reading right that this now entitles you to lunch and breakfast in Cagneys - that is great news if that is correct ! ! Sorry , but the Cagney 's breakfast and lunch was something special that was arranged for us by a friend . It is normally only available to full suite passengers . It will make me want to book a suite next time that I sail , if only for this little perk . After successfully stealing the secrets of Moose and Squirrel Natasha and I are safely in St . Petersburg harbor . I know Fearless Leader will be very happy . Now back to reality . We are sailing into the St . Petersburg harbor . Yesterday we were in the tiny country of Estonia and had the pleasure of experiencing it 's city of Tallinn . Tallinn is really a jewel of the Baltic . It truly gives you that old world feeling with its architecture , winding cobblestone streets , squares and castels . All of which can be seen in the Old City that is a twenty minute walk from the harbor . If you truly want to feel like you have stepped back in time , or at least onto the set of an old James Bond movie than Taliin is for you . There are plenty of little shops and wonderful restaurants and coffee shops to occupy the short amount of time you have here . My wife and I found a literal hole in the wall restaurant . It is in the basement of another building and I had to crouch to go down the stairway and enter but it was well worth it . A lunch of roasted boar for my wife and lamb for me was a real treat . One thing to be aware of is that the old city is built on a hill and the streets are cobblestone , so be careful walking . It may be a good idea to go to the cruise terminal and grab a taxi for the uphill trip to the Old City if you aren 't comfortable with walking . The walk back is all downhill so it 's a bit easier . We did have our best meal on Friday night in Le Bistro . I really do stress that if you do try a Freestyle cruise to try and experience at least two of the alternative restaurants to really enhance your experience . I have found one negative thing about the ship and it 's the food in the Garden Cafe . On our first day we ate there for lunch , while waiting for the cabins to be made up , and while the layout is great the temperature of the food was not good . Unfortunately this has remained the same throughout the trip . Each time we 've eaten there the hot items are luke warm at best and many dishes just cold . Last night we decided to try it for dinner . They set up the area with white table clothes and electric candles to give it a nice ambience . My wife and I filled our plates and sat down . After a few bites we had to leave . The beef and gravy was very cold and the fish was no different . We decided to go to Tangos , the Mexican restaurant , and were very satisfied that we did . If you enjoy Mexican food than this is a great choice . The only complaint was that the refried beans had a strange similiarity to Taco Bell 's . The location for Tangos is one of the best on the ship . You can listen to the pianist or the string quartet playing in the atrium just below you . We had a cocktail party with the senior officers and some staff on Friday and we enjoyed the time with them . I did mention the lack of warmth of the Garden Cafe food and the Hotel Manager said he would look into it . I guess he hadn 't by Saturday . It was rather interesting that I had a chance to spend an hour with the senior staff and it turned out that I just spent a couple of minutes with the Hotel Manager and spent the rest of the time with the ship 's computer services officer and Andre , the Internet Cafe manager . We talked technology and how it is used onboard the ship . This evening I will get to see the computer room on the ship . It isn 't the engine room but I 'm excited to see how they rack their systems . Well it 's time to get ready for our first of two days in St . Petersburg . We have a private guide lined up and hopefully she 'll be waiting , with sign in hand , to show us what I have heard is a very beautiful city . Where should I have breakfast today ? Decisions decision . All in all I 'd much rather be heading to St . Petersburg with you two ! ! You are going to LOVE it ! Have a great cruise . I 'll get home and be cruising again with you via my eyes . Thanks , Mike , for great detail . We will be on the same cruise in the summer . Have you met any of the Cruise Critic group ? There were quite a few who were going to do some local tours together . Question - When are the restaurant discounts - early meals or late ? A couple of years ago , meals were half price in specialty restaurants before 6 ( 5 - 6 , I think ) . Someone else said they were discounted later . Info would be appreciated . Hey Mike , I can 't wait to hear about what you see in St Petersburg . Being the world traveler you are I am sure you have already been there , but that just gives you more opportunity to see something different . I have been there thre differeent times , for a total of eight days , and there are still things I haven 't seen that i would like to see . St Pete 's has always been one of the most fascinating cruise ports ever . . . We arrived in St . Petersburg to beautiful weather and temps in the 60â €™ s . The port of St . Petersburg is not indicative of what you will find in this beautiful city . The port is basically a port , with cargo containers , cranes and trucks . Donâ €™ t worry you will soon find yourself immersed in a world of history , art and some very beautiful architecture . Disembarking the ship was easy but you must be on a tour or have tour papers , from a private and licensed tour company , in order to get through immigration . DO NOT BELIEVE THE DOCUMENTATION THAT YOU RECEIVE IN YOUR CABIN THAT STATES YOU MUST HAVE A TOURIST VISA IN ORDER TO TAKE A PRIVATE TOUR . This is something a bit deceptive that NCL does . They justify it by stating this is for people who think they can just walk off the ship . Just remember to make sure that any guide service you arrange is licensed and will provide you with a detailed itinerary that you can show the immigration officers at the port . We had arranged our own private guide , Julia Ivanushka of TJ Travel , and she showed us all of St . Petersburg . We saw the Hermitage , Church of Spilled Blood , Church of St . Peter and Paul and had lunch with a Russian couple , Alex and Lena , in their home . That was on the first day . On the second day we went to the beautiful summer palace of Catherine the Great at Peterhof . Peterhof is beautiful and rivals Versailles with its fountains and gardens . The main palace was closed on Monday ( so is the Hermitage ) so we did not go inside but there was plenty of beauty to see in the gardens , bathhouse and the beautiful fountains to occupy us for our time there . Peterhof is something of a miracle because most of it was destroyed and ransacked during WWII . The entire complex has been rebuilt since the war , restoring it to its bygone beauty . We returned to the ship via the hydrofoil and it was well worth the additional 300 rubels . ( $ 7 ) I have MANY pictures to post but I havenâ €™ t had a chance to downsize and upload them yet . I hope I can on the next sea day . When visiting St . Petersburg you will see beautiful architecture but there is still evidence of the communist days with many of the buildings being a bit drab and gray . Then suddenly you will see something that will jump out at you like a jewel on a plain silver band . There are a couple of hints for those going to St . Petersburg : You should go with a guide or a shipâ €™ s tour . Very few people speak English and unless you speak and read Russian you will not be able to find your way around too easily . Many places do take U . S . dollars but you will get a better rate if you use Rubels . ATM machines are plentiful and there is one at the entrance to the port . Just make sure you donâ €™ t end up with too many or you will have a hard time exchanging them . Another thing to note is that Russian businesses donâ €™ t like to make change . If your bill is 500 rubels and you give them a 1000 rubel note they will inevitably ask for smaller bills . This was a bit of a nuisance but each time I pressed them they were able to make change . If you can visit the Metro subway I suggest you do . It is beautiful and very clean . You cannot take pictures there and in many other places but it is something to remember , especially if youâ €™ ve been on some subways in other parts of the world or in the U . S . If you have the chance though , take a look at the peopleâ €™ s faces as they come up the long escalator from the subway . It may give you an insight . Yesterday , as we left Peterhoff it finally began to rain and we experienced our first cold temperatures . This morning we are just coming into Helsinki and while cooler ( 41F ) we once again have clear skies . I may finally get to use my hooded sweat shirt . I have one disturbing observation that I am wondering if it is coincidence or fact . It does seem the food in the pay restaurants is of significant better quality and better prepared than the food in the non - pay restaurants . We have experienced overcooked , to the point of crumbling , pork in the Tsarâ €™ s palace , cold meat in Tangoâ €™ s and the Garden Restaurant is a place my wife will no longer visit because of the cold food . I have mentioned it to the Hotel Manager but it still doesnâ €™ t seem any different . Last night we were so tired that we went up to the buffet for dinner and , once again , left almost full plates because it was cold . We just went to the Blue Lagoon and had a hamburger ( it was very good ) and then went to bed . I awoke at 5 : 15 a . m . after my first eight hour sleep of the cruise . I am guessing this was your first visit to St Petersburg . if you truly love it , I really recommend the " waterways of the Tsars " river tour from Moscow to St Pete 's . That was something , and you get two or three days in each Moscow and St Pete 's . Mike , your reports are wonderful ; however , your description of the food is turning me off to ever trying NCL . This is unfortunate as I prefer open seating and less formal cruising with multiple dining options . However , if many of the options are poor , and more importantly , the onboard staff doesn 't care , I don 't want to waste my money . Sorry for the lack of reports in the last three days but the Compaq laptop has died . It looks like the CPU . I 'll be able to add once we are home on Sunday .
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fire dept Living Close to Death Posted on August 31 , 2012 Updated on August 31 , 2012 I am a volunteer fire fighter . There is nothing quite like going on a call and making a difference in an emergency situation to crystallize some things in life . I get amazing perspective and find that all the little stuff - dishes undone , messy living room , home renovations - regain their place of insignificance in my life and all the big stuff - my loving husband , my sweet cat , my health - comes back into focus in the place of appreciation they belong . Being an emergency responder forces me to slow down . Fire fighters can 't be in a panic - we aim to be the most level - headed ones on the scene . Although I am not literally slowing down , I am slowing down the processes and the steps I have to take in order to be sure I do them right . I do my best to keep my breathing slow and make sure I have the tools in hand for the job I need to do ( or am preparing to do ) . Living closer to death makes life more precious . This is a universal truth , I believe , and one safe and helpful way to live closer to death is by helping in emergencies . By facing death , either in helping extricate someone from a smashed vehicle or by dousing flames or even going inside a burning building , my zest for life is renewed ! My priorities in life are refocused and I am happier . I think many doctors and nurses may feel the same . Although some situations we have to deal with are hard , most have happy endings . Often , we are able to save a house by working quickly to contain the flames . In other cases , we lose the house on fire , but are able to save the ones beside it . In MVAs , we help keep the road situation safe by stopping traffic and giving medical aid to the victims . Sometimes , we truly are the difference between life and death when someone is trapped in a smashed car . Even when there is a less - happy ending , we have still made a difference . Without emergency service workers of any kind , our society would be more ruthless , like the middle ages . Facing death makes you realize that people can 't always be saved . Our time here is limited , so if there is something I want to say to someone , I had better do it now . If there is a grudge I feel tempted to hold , I must drop it now . If I were to go next , how would my loved ones feel ? Have I lived my life to the fullest ? What am I waiting for ? I think ultimately , being on the fire department has helped me learn to control my thinking . I have to force myself to stay calm , think ahead , think of the safety of those around me , and stay in the moment . There 's no time for mind wandering when you 're responding to an emergency ! Perhaps that is the best part of all - being fully in the moment , being alive , and making a difference . I have been really active on the fire department , particularly in the winter and fall ( paddling off - season ) . I 've literally lost count of how many calls I 've been on , but it 's a lot ! I 've been to MVCs , building fires , a great mock - accident at the High School , a few fire alarms and medical assist calls . I spent nine hours on the roof of Extra Foods for a fundraiser , and yes , I can add that to the list of Weird and Unusual Places I Have Peed ( that will have to be another post ) ! I 've helped out with some fire hall tours - I always have fun with the little people . I 'm not a newbie any more ; we had eleven new recruits start in fall , so I have actually been giving some advice and help to them , both in the hall and on calls . I 'm in that netherland between newbie and experienced firefighter . I 've gone to lots of training , and I now know enough to be dangerous ! Seriously , I have learned a lot , but there is still so much more to know . I started taking the Emergency Medical Responder course , but unfortunately had to drop out . It was a good course , and it covered a lot more than I expected . Even though I only did about a third of it , I 'm glad I went - now on medical calls , I have a much better idea of what the EMRs and EMTs are doing , and I can help out more . I 'm getting fairly good at a few simple tasks , but I am still challenged on virtually every call , which is why I joined the department in the first place ! Never a dull moment - and that 's what 's life 's all about ! | Fire Dept posts | I 've got to say , my personal life has been great this year . I 've been surrounded by friends , and even when I was stressed about deadlines and completing the York boat on time ( photos here ) , I still had people around me , notably my friend Michelle 's parents in Calgary , who gave me a place to stay for two weeks , fed me , and were so amazingly generous and kind . My relationship with my husband has been great , and we 've been connecting better all the time . I enjoy our late - night pillow talk ; we just chat about whatever has been on our minds . When I am stressed , I can tell him about it and we figure out something that will help . I am so loved by friends and family , sometimes it just amazes me … I am so full of gratitude and appreciation ! Flow North had a great year ! After doing the Paddling the Peace River guide for GeoTourism Canada , I was hired to run the York boat project , and then I got to be the Captain of the boat on the big , 18 - day expedition . It was fantastic ! I couldn 't have asked for a better crew , although at times , looking for a crew stressed me out the most . In the end , it worked out so incredibly well , one could only say I was blessed . I 've got 5 more best friends than I had before the month of June . Beyond the York boat , I got to run a couple of canoe camps , several canoe parties , expeditions , and had lots of fun at our weekly " Family Canoe Nights " as well . What a * great * summer we had ! It didn 't hurt that , as usual , we had the nicest summer weather of the province , and perhaps even in all of Canada ! Not much rain , lots of sun ! That 's not to say it was all sunshine and roses . There were a few struggles in the fall , with some bills from the summer piling up and expenses from the York boat not being paid . Things got a bit slim , but that 's what happens some times when you 're in business for yourself . We have exchanged time freedom for money freedom - we have plenty of the first and less of the second , whereas most people have very little time freedom , but more money to work with . We created a few websites in the fall , which was great . I 'm really quite proud of what we did : Northern Express , Fox Haven Golf and Country Club , Patrick Cameron Even though we have time freedom , I still felt the crunch of not enough a few times . I am still volunteering as the secretary of the Northern Lights Forest Education Society , which is developing new trails and busy with various other activities . I am also a board member of the Mackenzie Frontier Tourist Association , which has taken up a bit of time on web development and other duties ( I 'm not ready to share that website yet - it still needs a lot of work ) ! On the other hand , I stood up for myself when the workload was getting too big and said " I can 't keep doing this for free . Normally , I charge for this work . " There is always good in the bad ! So , most of the time , I am excited and eagerly anticipating the year to come . When I 'm not ? When I get caught up in the business of life and my to - do list . Nothing new there ! Stay tuned for more adventures ! Weekend at the Fire Hall Posted on November 27 , 2011 Updated on November 27 , 2011 As an entrepreneur , my weekends are rarely weekends like they are for Monday - to - Friday office workers . I often work on weekends , and actually , I think I 've only had one full day off since the last week of October , but that 's beside the point . This weekend , I had a lot of fun and hard work over at the Fire Hall ! I signed up to take an EMR course , and this Fri - Sat - Sun was our first full weekend of training . EMR stands for Emergency Medical Responder , for those who don 't know , and it 's normally about 80 hours of classroom time , with lots of scenarios to practice too . Tuesday evening was our first class , and it went well ; after Friday 's class , though , I was starting to feel a little overwhelmed ! An EMR friend of mine said that an EMR is more - or - less a " really good first - aider , " but I think he under - played it ! We have to learn quite a bit of anatomy and diagnostics - or at least , how to figure out what might be happening to the patient . I 'm surprised at some of the examples our instructors are giving us - the things they can figure out , on the scene of an accident or if someone is gravely ill , with very little diagnostic equipment or tools - perhaps just a stethoscope and a blood glucose meter . The rest is done by feel , by looking , by listening and asking questions ( if the patient is conscious ) . I 've got to tell you - I enjoy helping people and stretching myself , but this is taking it to a whole new level ! If you know me , you know I 'm not afraid to try new things , get outside my comfort zone ( what comfort zone ? ! ? : ) ) and " get my hands dirty . " But this is people 's blood ! Yikes . We watched a video to learn about anatomy , and the doctor hosting it was just digging around inside the cadaver , to show us this organ or that artery . " Way under here … is the spleen ! " It was crazy ! She was so comfortable with it , I was just overwhelmed . The blood and body parts were not a problem ; it was just overwhelming what we needed to know , and that we might be the ones diagnosing these problems on a scene . Obviously , a doctor at the hospital would make his or her own conclusion too , but we would make our observations , act on them , and pass them on to the docs . Don 't get me wrong ; EMRs are very limited in what we can actually do . We don 't start IVs or give medications ( except ASA or oral glucose ) , but we do insert airway tubes , administer oxygen , and take blood pressures , for example . That 's a lot more than a first aider just feeling for broken bones or doing basic CPR ! EMRs work on ambulances and provide basic life support . Sometimes , they work with an EMT or Paramedic , and as such , there are a whole bunch of medical terms we have to know . In most places ( cities ) , they would do a minimum on scene and then transport the person as quickly as possible to an ER ( Emergency Room ) , but out here , we have over 400 km of highway to cover , and as such , transport times can be very long and we might end up doing several reassessments and treatments to keep the person going until we get to the hospital . There are even bone fractures that a patient here might not survive , simply because of the transport time and capability of our hospital . We have an operating room , but there are only some procedures our doctors can do , and they aren 't fancy emerg surgeons ! When there 's a procedure they can 't do , the patient must be flown out via medevac to Grande Prairie ( about 45 minutes by air , and they can 't do every surgery either ) or Edmonton ( about 1 and a half hours away ) . I am learning more about the health care system than I ever thought I 'd know . One crazy thing I 've heard lately is that the Alberta government is handing the emergency medical care in High Level over to a private company , rather than take care of it themselves . It seems a little weird , since such an arrangement costs more , and has less - integrated and less - professional care . I might be writing a strongly - worded letter about this little bit of strangeness ! Why should us northerners have less - professional EMRs and EMTs responding to calls , and they 're using less - modern equipment ! Soon the fire department will be helping out though , by officially being part of a Medical Co - response system that allows us to go to medical calls when the ambulances are busy or if there are multiple patients . That 's why a bunch of us volunteer fire fighters are taking this EMR course , put on especially for us by Alberta Health . We have medic - bags on most of our fire trucks , so we can do quite a bit once we know how ! Suffice it to say , I 'm learning lots in this course , feeling a bit overwhelmed , but I think I will enjoy it and I know I will be able to help a LOT more as an EMR than as a first aider . Oh , did I mention , we had to cut class short yesterday due to a call - out to a bad MVA ( Motor Vehicle Accident ) ? Yes , my day was 5 hours of class , 3 hours on the call , and then a workout . But man , I slept awesome ! 🙂 Here 's an example of how the news has affected a lady I know . The evening news was filled with serious reports about forest fires raging through Slave Lake , a medium - sized town in Northern Alberta . There was a strong wind pushing the fire , causing it to spread faster than they could put it out , at least initially . The whole town , around ten thousand people , were evacuated and a whole neighbourhood , about a third of the town , burned down - a serious situation , even a tragedy . The Premier , being interviewed for the news , looked like he might cry . One of the first comments I heard this particular lady make was " oh , there will be looting ! With all those homes empty , there will be LOOTING ! " What ? ! ? The town is empty ! The only people there are fire fighters , and even if there were others around , that is the absolute LAST thing that would happen . I know this town , and it just would not happen . But years of living in a big city , listening to the radio news every hour and watching TV news throughout the day has completey skewed this woman 's view of the world , and also her expectations . She expects the worse . Wherever she goes , whatever is going on around her , she sees crime , tragedy , illness , and other newsworthy stuff . I 'm afraid to say that this is what she will attract into her life , because the Law of Attraction is ALWAYS at work . You ever heard of the lawyer 's house that gets broken into repeatedly ? The woman who continually has car trouble because she is always worried about her car ? That man who gets ripped off because he 's always trying to cheat the other guy ? Except for today , I have not watched the news for weeks . It 's a good thing , because I am working on focusing only on positive things , and I gotta tell ya , I get courteous drivers around me , holes in the traffic , mostly green lights ( but red lights let me check my map or change my music ) , and I believe it happens because I know it 's possible . It is not only possible , it 's virtually * guaranteed when I focus on good things , and look for the best in people and situations around me . I have started expecting to have days that go smoothly . Sometimes it 's hard . With the fires in Slave Lake , all I can think of is that this is a chance for our fire fighters and emergency co - ordinators to shine . And shining they are . Fire Conference . I got to go to the fire conference in Peace River ! It was a great time , although a lot of work and I 've never worn BA ( breathing aparatus ) for that many days in a row . It 's heavy ! But when I take it off , I feel so light , it 's wonderful . We got to meet lots of neat people , from other volunteer fire departments across Alberta , as well as some professional fire fighters . It 's great comparing departments and telling stories ! At the various training sessions , we learned some new techniques and methods for escaping buildings in a hurry ( see photo below ) and how to get through a mess of wires . In fact , we learned too much to really go into here ! We also helped run the phase 1 flashover chamber , where fire fighters get to see a fire develop to the flashover stage and practice the nozzle technique to prevent the fire from flashing over . It 's neat , and hot . Our job was to restock the chamber once a group was done , i . e . all the fuel was burned . We 'd put the BA on , because it was pretty hot and smoky , shovel all the ash and whatever wood was left out , and then put new wood in the burn barrel , MDF sheets on the sides and roof and the back wall of the burn chamber , so that it could be lighted up for the next group . We worked hard , and several of the groups complimented us on how well we ran the chamber . 🙂 After the conference was over , we had the trainer come up to teach us how to use our brand - new phase 2 flashover trainer , which I also got to be a part of - not as an instructor , just to practice . It was great ! And really hot ! There was so much fire and heat in there , it was unreal . The first time I went in , I was totally overwhelmed by all the things I had to do , it was a blur . The second , third and fourth times , though , I was able to pay attention better . What an experience ! The York Boat . I 've been working a LOT on the York boat expedition . Lately , I 've been doing the trip planning , food planning , as well as buying supplies and getting costumes made . Well , I 'm still looking for a seamstress , but I have a few good leads now to follow . Yes , we 'll be decked out in voyageur - type clothing as part of our attempt to be historically accurate ! 🙂 The York boat has been taking up a lot of my time and efforts , and although it 's generally great , I get a little discouraged at times . I 'm going to blog about this more tomorrow . There are still a couple of spots available for the trip , if you 'd like to come ( or know someone who would like to join in ) ! 🙂 Fire Practice Scenario Posted on March 16 , 2011 I know some of you just live for new stories about my experiences on the fire department , so I 've got a good one for ya ! 🙂 A week ago at fire practice , our chief and deputy chief came up with an exercise to test our practical abilities , to complement the classroom stuff we 've been doing . The scenario was a structure fire in a single story building , and we weren 't sure if there was anyone inside . There were 12 of us involved in the scenario , enough for two fire trucks . The first time we ran the scenario , the team I was on was the first on the scene . As such , some of my teammates were tasked with putting on breathing apparatus to be the first people in . This means that as soon as we can get staged and water flowing , they are to go into the building , find the fire and start putting it out , and start looking for any survivors ( 2 people fight fire , 2 people look for survivors ) . I was tasked with " tagging the hydrant " which means that my job was to take the hose from the truck and attach it to the hydrant . There are several steps involved , and I 've been trained on how to do it , but frankly , I 've only helped with this once on a real fire scene and only done it by myself in training . So this scenario was good practice ! As soon as I had finished at the hydrant and radioed the pump operator that I was ready to flow water , I went to the truck to see what else I could do . We always have some water in the tank on the truck to start fighting the fire , but establishing a reliable water flow / source is very important . Back at the door of the pretend burning building , the " first up " team who had been doing search and rescue was just coming back out , so I was teamed up with another fire fighter to go in and continue the search . This was great - I had only learned about search and rescue a few weeks ago , and had never done it . I did everything I learned to do - followed my teammate and held on to her boot ( it is often so smoky that you can 't see your partner so you have to go by touch ) , I had a tool ( like a long crow bar ) that I swept the floor with as we crawled , and I kept in verbal contact with my partner . Wouldn 't you know it , we found a casualty - Rescue Randy , a crash test dummy we have for training purposes . Man , that plastic dude is heavy ! My partner , who is a petite - but - tough woman , and I started heaving Randy 's body out of the building . We didn 't have far to go , but we got some help from another team member when we got tired . He spelled me off and then I took over from my partner . It was exhausting work , and Randy only weighs 165 lbs . I was dripping in sweat by the time we were done . What can I say - my team rocked ! The chief and deputy chief said I did the hydrant perfectly , and we not only put the fire out , we found the casualty and got him safely out of the building . We had a little room for improvement in communication , but otherwise we had all done a great job ! The second scenario was even more fun , and we rocked again . This time , we were the second fire truck on the scene and our job was to back up the first crews . We were to immediately set up a Rapid Intervention Team ( RIT ) , so that if anyone inside the building gets hurt , lost , or runs out of air , we go in and help them . We always make sure when two people are in the building , two people are outside standing by , just in case . Sure enough , just after we got all our gear out , the first call for help came . The team hauling out the casualty needed help . So , in went the first two people . My friend Colin and I were on the second RIT team , so we became next - up . A couple of minutes later , we got the call that part of the ( pretend ) building had collapsed on the two people who had been fighting the pretend fire . We quickly grabbed the RIT bag ( which has an extra air tank and face mask ) and went into the building . Colin totally rocked that situation ! He confirmed that they were still with their hose line , so all we had to do was follow the hose to find them - an important detail that made our job much easier . In the scenario , they weren 't far in the building , but in real life , they might be around corners , up or down stairs , and following the hose is the easiest way to locate them . Once we found them , one guy , just to make it more fun , said " both my legs are broken . " Below the knees . Oh , geez . So , Colin coordinated how we would carry him out of the building and we did just that . I 'm sure we jostled him a little and he would have been in some pain , but heck , when you 're in a burning building , you gotta be fast ! Then , to go back in and help the other fire fighter out , Colin turned to me and said " how 's your oxygen ? " Since we weren 't actually on oxygen and I had no idea how much time had elapsed , I just kind of went " uh , I dunno . " So , he grabbed my helmet with one hand on each side , looked me in the face and said " are you okay to go back in ? " So I said " Yes ! " and we did . We helped the second fire fighter , who could walk on his own , and the scenario was overAgain , dripping with sweat . Exhausted . Happy ! Sore knees ( almost all the work in the building was crawling ) . But happy ! I learned a lot about how a complex situation like that would be managed , and I also really enjoyed actually doing many of the things I 've been learning about . So there ya go ! I was just a chattering away when I got home , and I still get excited when I think about it . 🙂 That 's how I know I 'm doing the right thing for me - I 'm excited every time I go on a call or go to practice ! Exhausted But Happy ! Posted on January 26 , 2011 Updated on February 14 , 2011 I now have a clue how to fight fires in buildings . This wasn 't what I 'd planned to do today , but that 's how the day unfolded ! ( If you 're new to this blog , read about how I joined the volunteer fire department here . ) I started out with three things in my plan for the day : to have lunch with a friend , come home and finish the index for my book , and go for a workout . I had a very nice lunch with my friend and she suggested I come to a meeting at the town office with her , to work on strategies to help people be more physically active in and around town . About three - quarters of the way through the meeting , my pager went off - we were needed for a fire in a small native community about 100 km away . Off I went , grabbing my purse and winter coat and basically running out of the meeting . When I got to the fire hall , I wasn 't even the first person there ( unbelievably , since I only had to drive a few blocks ) . I heard there would be a slight delay as the closer fire department had to be called and consulted with . But those of us who were there hung around and sure enough , we were dispatched to help . Off we go ! Now it 's not all thrills and excitement - we had about an hour 's drive to get there ( more proof we live in the middle of nowhere ) . We arrived safely and we got to work setting up hoses , a water supply and whatnot . Before long , another firefighter showed me how to work the hose and I was spraying water on the hot spots . The building was very much toast when we got there , and no one was inside or anything , so we just had to get the fire out enough so that it wouldn 't cause trouble by reigniting . It was such hard work , and handling a charged hose was completely new to me . Sure , I 'd used pressure washers , but fire hoses are the ultimate ! Anyway , I ran the hose in front of the building and on the side , and on the back … With my right hand , my left hand , both hands . We lugged them all over , which got harder and harder as we went and the lines started to freeze up . They are incredibly heavy when they are full of water , and even heavier when full of ice and all stiff . Crazy . I don 't want to give the impression that I worked for every single minute . I got to see a couple of friends who live there , which was really nice . When I had the chance , I warmed up and drank some ice - cold water . Are you noticing a theme here ? 🙂 It was cold , about - 20 C , but I shouldn 't complain . My fellow firefighters tackled a house fire last week when it was - 37 with a wind ( I was out of town , so I missed that one ) . Part of me wonders how things can even burn when it 's that cold , but they do ! But water doesn 't flow well , hoses become twisted stiff bastards , toes and gloves freeze . Tonight , my pants even froze . They had a coating of ice all over them , and my mitts were so stiff , I could barely use my hands at times . Not because they were cold - the insulating mitts rock ! - just because they were so stiff with ice on the outside . Finally , our work was done and we heaved all the frozen hose onto the truck and started the drive back . As we drove , I was physically tired and a little sore , but mentally , I felt like I could do anything ! I can tackle any other challenge , stop procrastinating , be uncomfortable , work hard and just do it , no sweat ! What a feeling ! It was probably a bit of an endorphin high , but it was great ! 🙂 Great payoff for working , uh , more hours than I 'd like to count . So I 'm going to remember that feeling to motivate myself when I feel less - than - awesome ! I 'm exhausted . My muscles worked to their limits at times . I have brand new straight - out - of - the - box biceps . I lugged hose until I was breathing heavy and my legs were weak . So I definitely got that workout I was planning for , just not the way I had planned it ! " Someone has said that the entire world is suffering from one big fear - - the fear that God will not answer our prayers . Let us analyze the fears that possess us and see if this is true . The fear of lack is nothing more than the belief that God does not and will not supply us with all that we need . The fear of death is the belief that the promises of eternal life may not be true . The fear of loss of health , loss of friends , loss of property all arise from the belief that God is not all that we claim - - omniscient , omnipotent and omnipresent . " - Ernest Holmes
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I love surprises . I fantasize about my lovely husband walking through the door one day , announcing : " Pack a bag , Honey . We 're going on a trip . " In my mind , I feign surprise and protest , " But we can 't possibly . We haven 't planned a thing . " With a wink and a devilish smile on his lips , he sets me at ease . " I planned everything . And I 'm not going to tell you where we 're going . It 's a surprise . " With that , I race upstairs and pack a bag according to his very vague instructions , ( ideally , snowy mountain layers ) and hop into a limousine that whisks us off to a newfound adventure . Being that I do love surprises , I tried to impart my affinity for the unknown in a certain Christmas gift this year . With glee I wrapped two identical tiny gift boxes and placed them under the tree for Mr . Musky and Jake , with strict instructions to open the gifts together . I have this thing I secretly do - I always arrange for the most impactful gift to be opened last . Finally , both boys held their tiny jewelry boxes together and opened them , then took out the little pieces of paper I carefully scribed . Deflated , I immediately backtracked . " Well , I thought it would be nice for you two to have a bonding guys trip . Because when do you ever get to do something alone ? And you both have commented multiple times that you want to go to Boston . And see Fenway Park . " Here 's the thing - I should know better . While I might like surprises , not everyone else does . Particularly the man who lives and breathes third party logistics every day of his life . For a living , Mr . Musky schedules things . Plans . Makes arrangements . Moves items from point A to point B , with stops in - between if necessary . Gently , almost sweetly , he asked : " Where will we stay ? What if the weather sucks ? How do we know this weekend is OK ? Jake has tests the next week . How will he study ? What if the flights are expensive ? " Clearly he has not the romantic notions that I do about unplanned vacations . " Pfft . Minor details , " I retorted , feeling a bit hurt . " We 've got months to sort that out . But the baseball tickets ! I took care of them ! " A few weeks later , Mr . Musky said while he appreciated the sentiment , he just didn 't think April a good time for them to take a trip together . The boys talked it over , and decided Spring Training in March would be be a better trip for them than the weekend before AP testing ( no mom of the year award here ) . Arizona weather would be nicer and more predictable . It would be laid back . A shorter flight . Just . . . better . Admittedly , while I thought the idea so unique and would foster ideal male bonding - Cheers ! The Freedom Trail ! Faneuil Hall ! - I had to respect their wishes . My ideal is not the same as theirs , and the important thing was for my men to get away together . It 's something I just had in my head that they should do , alone , before Jake graduates high school . So a few weeks ago the boys jetted off to Mesa , while my mom and I kept driving north . Parent - kid time away is always a good thing , even when you 're caught in the middle of still being a kid and a parent at the same time . I 've always loved spending time with my mom on little getaways , throwing caution to the wind and being right in the moment . " Hey Mom . Get that phone out and look up reviews for Bublitz . It 's a restaurant a few miles away . " Unfortunately , Susie 's was likely the worst meal either of us ever consumed . But it left a memorable mark - one that we 'll never forget - and a confirmation that condensed soup is never , ever a good idea . Particularly for restaurants who claim " home cooking " as their cornerstone . We arrived at the cabin in the evening , promptly built a fire , and enjoyed some Maple Old Fashioneds . Highly recommended . We switched to wine , leapt off the Monday night wagon , and frankly ? We got shellacked . We drank all the wine and then some , and gabbed until well past midnight about everything and nothing at all . It was divine , until we had to rally in the morning to look at real estate in the area . It 's one of the best and hardest things wrapped all into one - your parents aging . I am so fortunate to have both of my parents still around , but in all honesty , they aren 't in the very best of health , and it 's hard to see them struggle with that . They 're getting to an age where they have to consider options for their future , and it 's a difficult decision , particularly for my Mom . Do they stay where they are ? Downsize in their local area ? Move closer to me ? Selfishly , I want them closer so I can help Mom take care of Dad and see them both more often . But I know they have to do what 's right for them , regardless of future consequences . If only that crystal ball really did magically project the future . We looked at several town homes and even spent time with some local construction builders considering the possibility of building a new little woodsy home . Mom came away more confused and uncertain than ever , I think . But at least she knows what 's out there in her price range , and it 's a good bunch of options to have . Our final afternoon we put the house hunting aside and went out for some fun . I tempted her with books and caffeine in comfy chairs at my favorite little coffee shop , but Mama wanted to get lost in the woods . I fall very close to the apple tree . Red squirrels are aggressive , and can border on downright mean . Once Mr . Musky and I dragged up a giant trampoline float from the lake to the garage , and a red squirrel kept charging us . That mean little sucker freaked me out - I was convinced he wanted to race up my leg and go for a ride on my head . So I ran away leaving my poor man to struggle up the hill himself with the heavy , awkward float . I can 't tell you . Because knowing us , it was likely nothing important . But we had fun and I 'll always remember my little date with her in the woods . We rolled in laughter . Because the temperature soared to 70 degrees that day - the first true warm day of the year - the entire staff called in sick so the restaurant had to close . That would fall under the category , " Only in the Northwoods . . . " But luckily we struck gold post hike at a new little restaurant in Eagle River called Catch 22 . Local folks , I highly recommend this gem . And that 's something coming from me , because I 'm downright picky when it comes to eating out . But this place is doing it right . I picked the boys up that Friday and enjoyed reuniting with them , hearing about their little stories and adventures . Kyle Schwarber slapped Mr . Musky 's hand on a walk - by but passed Jake up . He 's still complaining about it . They enjoyed the desert warmth , baseball , good meals , and time with Uncle Bob at his country club . All in all , it was a successful trip and the bonding seems complete . I hope this finds you all enjoying your own version of spring , trips or no . I love the 70 degree days as much as I do the overcast , rainy ones . The door is currently open and a storm just rolled through , and the rain gently continues to fall . It reminds me of my big brother , who loves midwest storms and misses them despite the heavy rains seen in Northern California this year . To understand the background for this post , please read the story here . Last semester in the height of first time everythings , Kahley took a hot yoga class at a studio on State Street in Madison . " MOM ! " she breathlessly and excitedly announced . " I 'm more relaxed than I have been all semester . That was amazing . " The next day she texted me again . " I just slept really well for the first time since I left home . That yoga class was awesome ! " But we 're all learning alongside our girl with this disorder . Life stepped in , schedules dictated otherwise , and she didn 't go back to yoga . Over Christmas break she felt better , and based on her ever changing schedule she postponed scheduling therapy sessions when she returned to campus in January . Staying on top of GAD is key . It does not go away , even if the person feels better due to changes in their life . It 's always lurking in the background , waiting to rear its ugly head and make life messy . When it reappeared with a vengeance second semester , Kahley immediately scheduled therapy again and made some appointments with University Health Services . If any of you parents out there are in my shoes , my advice to you is this : Encourage your child to stay in therapy no matter how well they feel . Don 't let them quit it , even if they seem better . Take the therapist 's lead on when and how to dial it back , if at all . Also - consider a multi - faceted approach . I am no medical professional , but studies show that therapy helps . So does medicine . A combination of therapy and medication works best . Add in some holistic healing ? Wonders . Kahley came home for spring break a few weeks ago , and we went together to a hot yoga class . Being in the warm room for over an hour focused her in the moment , eliminated distractions , and the intense heat forced her to breathe deeply , which is very difficult for her to accomplish in daily life . Sweat dripped from every pore of our bodies . The movements proved cathartic - bending and twisting deeper and deeper into our breath , it nearly impossible to focus on anything other than breathing in and out and stretching our bodies . Yoga is hard ! Some of those women and men can contort and flow from one movement to the next like poetry . I had to pay attention to others because I don 't know what the hell I 'm doing , and I need a crash course on Yoga for Dummies . The flow of many of the yogis is so effortless it appears artistic . But we tried our best , and felt rejuvenated after the session . There 's no judgment in that hot room - everyone started at some point and were giant , uncoordinated elephants like us . We both loved it so much that we returned twice more over her break . She now has a pass for unlimited yoga on campus , and it 's something I am continuing as well . Just today I received this : " Yoga is the greatest thing , OMG . The 7 : 20 wakeup is hard , but I feel amazing afterwards . " It 's nice to share something like this with my girl . I look forward to future sessions with her . In addition to yoga classes , I also scheduled float therapy for us one day . The concept of floating is relatively new and is catching on , despite being around for decades . It 's a sensory deprivation experience , ideal for meditation , mindfulness , and relaxation . For all you Stranger Things fans , banish those submersion tank and kiddie pool images from your brains , because reality is far from how it 's depicted on the show . We entered Anicca Float Club in Naperville and Lindsay , the owner , warmly greeted us . Lindsay and her husband Paul opened the float club based on their background in Vipassana meditation - a way to observe and understand things as they are , not as our minds might make them appear . Anicca means impermanence / continuous change . In their meditation practice , they came to learn experientially that everything is impermanent and we can observe what the mind does and how that influences the body . I know . This is not stuff I historically buy into . I 'm the first to admit that I don 't know much beyond Christianity , and I 've probably been way too close minded in my past about other ways of thinking , relaxing , and understanding the universe . I 'm a Speech Communication and English gal , for crying out loud . I never even took physics , let alone advanced science anything . Never took a philosophy class . Never learned about any religion other than what the good old Lutheran Church Missouri Synod taught . But it doesn 't mean I 'm not open to learning new ways of thought . And this floating / yoga / mediation stuff is intriguing . It 's why Lindsay and Paul sold most of their belongings , downsized dramatically , and dedicated their lives to educating as many as possible . Since they opened their doors two years ago , they 've been amazed at the number of clients coping with mental health issues they 've been able to help , not to mention the amount of mental health professionals that walk through their doors . We floated on top of the water without trying . Since the water and the tank are the temperature of your body , you lose sense of touch when lying still in the water . It 's interestingly eerie - I couldn 't sense where my body was submerged in water and where it was exposed , other than around my temples . I opted for lights out - total darkness - and turned off the white noise wave sound for complete silence . While in the float room I focused on breathing . Four or six counts in , and four or six out . For me , it 's the best way to clear my mind of other distractions . Later I commented on how difficult it was to breathe deeply , and Lindsay said the magnesium sulfate actually lowers one 's blood pressure and relaxes the body so much one 's breathing naturally becomes more shallow . Between the epsom salts and the sensory deprivation , my mind truly uncluttered and my body relaxed . As I expanded and stretched my core I could actually feel my spine decompress - a deeply odd sensation . Any residual muscle or joint tension evaporated the longer I floated . But the most remarkable experience goes back to my concentrated breathing . At one point , I suddenly " came to " realizing I stopped breathing . Or did I ? I wasn 't gasping for air , so clearly I continued to take in oxygen . But I didn 't fall asleep . Did I lose consciousness ? The altered mental state proved deeply intense and relaxing , so I tried to achieve it again . I did another three or four times , and every time was better than the last . It was a bit of a rush , and so deeply relaxing . At the beginning I wondered , " How am I going to do this for an entire 60 minutes ? " but when the lights came on and new age music softly piped in , I wished I had another 30 minutes to go . I wasn 't ready to emerge . The experience is like none other . I 've had a few massages , and while they 're lovely , I 'd take a 60 minute float over a massage any day . I 've never been so deeply undistracted . I didn 't even consider the outside world while I was in the tank , and the feeling of calm lasted through our ride home , a glass of wine , and aided in one of the best night 's sleep ever . My bathtub now feels significantly sub - par . I can 't stop thinking about it . I loved it so much I bought additional floats so Mr . Musky and I can enjoy a twist on date night in a few weeks . Kahley emerged from her float experience contemplative , and as she sipped a cup of dark chestnut tea that Lindsay prepared for her , she soon declared she was the most relaxed she 'd been in over a year . Relaxing is hard for her . It doesn 't come naturally , and she 's most chilled out at home . It 's challenging to unwind in a 12x16 foot dorm room when a roommate is nearly always present , and there aren 't any " go to " places in the building that offer true quiet time . Meditation is something that takes practice , and hopefully over the summer she can find a time and place to begin to truly work at it . If you ever need to escape the pressures of everyday life , suffer from anxiety , depression , or an autoimmune disease , experience chronic fatigue or pain , need a mini getaway , or want to disconnect from the world , then go float . In other words , if you 're a human in this day and age , you need to do this . We all have stress of some sort in our lives . We all need time away . And while exotic vacations to the Virgin Islands might not be in our budgets , Anicca Float Club is making floating a bit more accessible with a discount for local Genuinely Speaking readers . Go to their website - aniccafloatclub . com - and schedule a float . Use the discount code genuine for $ 31 off your first float , making it $ 49 for your first session ! This is such a great offer , and it 's available until June 5 , 2017 . I promise you - you 'll emerge relaxed , renewed with less pain and stiffness , and more introspective . Finally , thank you for the outpouring of love and support for our girl . The response to last week 's post is overwhelming , as we both received countless private messages of people going through similar challenges . While there are similarities in our stories , no two anxiety sufferers experience the exact same struggles . Talking about this helps - both her and I . My hope with today 's post is to shed light on alternatives to traditional approaches for alleviating the debilitating nature of this disorder , and to encourage other sufferers to keep an open mind when it comes to non - traditional healing methods . I appreciate the comments and encouragement , and so does Kahley . For those of you who suffer alongside my sweet girl , please don 't hesitate to reach out ANY time if you need a compassionate ear . Together we can make mental illness less taboo by sharing common experiences and ideas for health and healing . Despite stretching the truth occasionally , oftentimes it 's all true . I started this blog when she was twelve years old . Anyone who survived the teenage years and stumble through the hormone - ridden ages with your own kids knows the truth . They 're a little over the top , a little dramatic , and a little privileged . They 're also wonderful creatures , full of insight and personality . They 're funny , witty , charming and quirky . As they learn about life and the world around them they form their own unique opinions and viewpoints , and it 's intriguing to watch them develop into young adults . Last summer something changed with Kahley . While at camp , her texts took on a different tone . Nearly every time we communicated , she felt negatively about her life , circumstances at the horse barn , and with camp in general . Our girl loves summer camp . Loooooovvvvves it . So why was her " happy place " resulting in such negative energy ? My gut sent warning signals to my brain , but I put them on hold . " We 're going to Madison in a week for Student Orientation and Registration . I 'll assess then , " I assured myself . On the drive to campus , she gushed about her campers . How wonderful they are , how they keep her motivated during the toughest times at camp , and how their smiles make the effort of running the horse program and being an in - cabin counselor worthwhile . I breathed a sigh of relief , happy to hear my girl shine through and the negativity at bay . I told myself she 's fine , and that she just had a few bad weeks . Everything was fine . Stressed about what to wear the morning of the program , Kahley finally decided upon a white tank top and cute pair of shorts . At lunch , she splashed a little soy sauce on her top . When she inspected it more closely and saw that it was stained more than she originally thought , she got extremely , unusually upset and nearly broke down in tears . I assured her it would be OK as she brought more outfits than she could possibly wear , and she could just change when we returned to the hotel before walking down to the second floor for the orientation . In the car ride back , she leaned forward , pressed against her straining seatbelt , tapping incessantly on the dashboard . I took note of her behavior , asking her to sit back and relax . " NO . I CAN ' T ! " she retorted . It was at that point that I knew something was very , very wrong with my daughter . My sweet girl , full of life and promise and youth , never snapped at me like that . In my mama bear gut , I knew I could no longer ignore that she was off kilter , and just not right . We made it through the rest of orientation without incident , and a week later she came home on her night off . She said she needed to fill out some health forms for college . . . immediately . I challenged her , saying they surely didn 't need to be completed until the week before she arrived on campus . But she had her mind set , and insisted they needed to be done that night . She sat next to Mr . Musky on the couch , and he tried to help her . She lashed out at him , and he became defensive . I didn 't intervene - they could work it out together . Their interaction escalated to yelling , and they fought with one another . Again , I took note . She abruptly shut the laptop down and asked me to drive her back to camp . Disturbed by the scene with her dad , I pulled the Jeep off the side of the road , put it in park , and twisted in my seat to stare into my girl 's pool of bewildered blue eyes . I said , " Kahley , you are a smart girl . I 'm smart , too . We both know that college forms are not that big of a deal . What is going on with you ? " She broke down . Wracked with sobs , she started hyperventilating and eeked out a scary revelation : " Mom , something is so . . . wrong with me ! I am so scared . My heart races all the time . I can 't catch my breath . It feels like something is lodged in my throat 24 / 7 . I haven 't slept well since camp started . Everything is awful . Everything . I can 't control it , I 'm so afraid , and I don 't know what to do ! " I was terrified . As calmly as possible , I spoke in an even voice while I stroked her hair and wiped the tears from her cheeks . " Honey , I don 't know how to help you . But I will find someone who will . Will you see someone ? " I pulled her into my arms and rocked her back and forth . That was nine months ago . I 'd love to say that she 's all better and it was just a bit of drama in the life of a teenager becoming a young adult , but that 's not true . A few weeks later , our sweet girl was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder . You know what ? I just googled it again , for the thousandth time , and re - read the entire Wikipedia entry describing the condition . And while I 'd love to tell you that I completely understand it , and all the science behind it makes sense , I can 't . Because it doesn 't . It 's not like a broken leg - the bone is broken , there 's a procedure or treatment to heal it , and it 's all fixed up . With anxiety , it doesn 't work that way . Here 's how I can break it down for you in layman 's terms , as I understand it , from the help of a local therapist I saw in November to better understand what she 's going through : Kahley 's brain does not process emotion properly . Normal life events cause extreme duress and worry for her . Her brain focuses on the more dominant emotions of negativity and frustration . Happy - go - lucky , go - with - the flow are not in her wheelhouse . She fidgets , worries , over analyzes , and stresses to an unhealthy degree . Don 't get me wrong - she still smiles , feels happiness , and gets excited about things , but the negative emotions prevail . Hourly . Occasionally the anxiety escalates and spirals into full blown panic attacks . I 've witnessed two of them , and it 's terrifying . She can hardly breathe , her muscles are rock solid , her eyes glaze into a million - mile stare , and she 's incommunicable . When the anxiety rages through her and she 's in full blown fight - or - flight mode , the only thing I can do is quietly encourage her to breathe . Once her breathing returns to a normal level , she may ( or may not ) be able to communicate about what happened before she panicked . I write this with her permission . For months none of us knew what to say around her , or how to behave . When we only get to see her for a few days at a time , the last thing I wanted to do is talk about something negative with our limited time together . Our family relationships were changing due to her being away at school , and the changing dynamic increased her anxiety around us . I felt the anxiety was contributing negatively to her relationships , and was fairly certain she didn 't even realize it . If I brought it up , it would make her feel worse . But ignoring it felt completely wrong . It was a proverbial Catch 22 . We finally discussed it over Thanksgiving break . That was a difficult conversation - for both of us - but we muddled through . Once we started talking freely about her disorder , things got easier - for me . She still struggles with it , but she knows I 'm trying to understand , I want to help when and where I can , and I will always listen with an open mind . I don 't profess to know or understand what she 's going through , but I am willing to learn . And I will be her unwavering advocate forever . The more we both talk about it , the more we realize that she 's not alone . I have friends with kids going through the same stuff , but never would have known if I hadn 't talked about Kahley 's issues first . She 's found multiple friends on campus with similar challenges . Talking about mental health must no longer be taboo . How are the millions of people who battle it daily going to get better ? We talk openly about all kinds of health issues . Cardiovascular health . Preventative health . Cancer screenings . Heck - get a sewing circle together and they 'll talk about their vaginas for hours . But WHY must mental health still carry a stigma in this day and age ? For the uneducated comments like , " She just needs to get over it , " or " Tell her to relax , " I say this : If someone has cancer , you 'd show compassion . If someone has pneumonia , you 'd offer to run them an errand . Do the same for the person battling mental illness . They didn 't ask for it , nor did anyone suffering from a physical ailment . They want to get better , just like anyone else does . The difference is there 's no cure or treatment that eradicates it . They have to live with the mental illness for the rest of their lives , maintaining vigilance about learning cognitive behavioral therapy and taking medication to address the symptoms . Think of a speech you delivered to a large group of people . Or an important meeting you facilitated , or an interview for your dream job . A pit of anxiety grows in your gut . You lose sleep leading up to the event . You wake up that day nauseous with anticipation . As you walk into the room , your palms sweat , your heart rate picks up , the sweat stains grow under your armpits , and a lump of nervousness rises in your chest . Your voice cracks , and you tell yourself to pull your shit together . Your confidence waivers , and you wish for a meteor to strike down so you don 't have to go through with it . But you muscle ahead , and at the end of it you reward yourself and the return of your normal heart rate with a cup of tea or a glass of wine or a chocolate cookie . For the person with GAD , those feelings persist every single day . Every moment is a battle to go forth , despite feeling anxious . Imagine never fully coming down from that fight - or - flight feeling . That 's how my princess feels every day , to some degree . Every day . It 's hard to understand , especially when we think the person can control it . THEY CAN ' T ! ! As much as they 'd like to turn off the worry and negativity , it 's impossible for them . Recently on a Friday afternoon , Kahley contacted me worse than ever . Scared shitless , I ran through a series of questions with her to ensure she was safe , then asked , " What can I do to help ? " I 'm finding that 's the best question I can ask . In the heat of the moment , everything is bad , and I can 't convince her otherwise . But asking what I can do to help shows I love her , and will do what it takes . That day , it involved making two phone calls for her . I did , and got results that helped . It didn 't make it go away , but it helped . When I hung up the phone , Mr . Musky was in the room with me , and I lost it . I sobbed while he held me close . I looked up at him , and said , " If I feel this helpless and frustrated , how does our poor girl feel ? 1000 times worse ? 1 , 000 , 000 times worse ? " With tears welling in his eyes too , he speechlessly hugged me harder . That 's the hardest part . How horrible we know she feels on the inside . You know what gives me hope ? She does . In spite of this all , she fights every single day . She sees medical professionals who are helping her . She maintains logic . She KNOWS that how she 's feeling is not right , and she clings to that knowledge . She WANTS to be healthy and happy , and she 's determined to fight through this to get to the place where she knows she belongs . She 's got a family who loves her unconditionally . Were the past few months tough ? Sure . But in the end , we are a family who will see her through . She has a boyfriend who loves her for her , patiently reassuring her every day . He is her rock - her daily go - to in moments of stress . He listens to her worries . He talks her down the anxiety ladder multiple times a day . He reassures her with love , kindness and genuine care . People are amazing , and Kahley has some awesome ones in her life . Coming next week - how we both focused on health and well being over Spring Break , how my princess teaches me every day , and a discount for an AMAZING local business . XOXO , Was it due to the perfect chill it achieved in our backpack ? Or the company sharing it ? Our overachievement by selecting the most difficult trail ? Perhaps borderline dehydration after miles of hiking ? Post hiking and skiing , we savored apéritifs fireside and nibbled on both home cooked and delightful restaurant vittles . We returned home to warm up , rest up , and do it all again the next day . Our husbands and kids fended for themselves , extra appreciative when we walked through the door on Sunday afternoon . " We never saw another human being on the trail today . Aside from the restaurant , we never encountered another soul . Not even one car on the way home from dinner . " You 'll bug the ever living hell out of each other and call it quits . Truth be told , self doubt still arises when I consider forging new friendships . I even at one point , in recent history , agreed with a friend at the sentiment that once you hit 40 , you don 't need any more friends . We 're too set in our ways . We have enough people in our life already . One more isn 't going to significantly impact us in any meaningful way . It 's too much more to manage . We don 't have time . We are so wrong for feeling that way . People need to come into our lives at every point along our timeline , for varying reasons . The sweet neighbor I made friends with at the age of six may not fulfill my needs as a 40 - something , but there might just be a tribe of women in a fitness class who do . By nature , I 'm an over - sharer . I told that woman way too much in way too short of a window of time , probably scaring her off to the guest bedroom at night to text her husband : " SOS ! She 's a freak ! I know her ENTIRE life story and I need some air ! SEND IN THE RESCUE SQUAD ! AND BY THE WAY . . . IT ' S DARK AND CREEPY HERE , THE DEER WEAR GREEN STATEMENT NECKLACES , AND THERE ' S A HAIRY GORILLA IN THE CLOSET ! " Maybe that 's all true , but maybe not . Because she confided back . Until the dark settled around us and the fire crackled away , and I put one more log on because there was so much more to say . To share . To create the foundation for a deeper friendship that we would both walk away from more fulfilled , more loved , more appreciated . We not only share the common bond of trekking through four inches of snow on quite possibly the hilliest trail in the midwest ( 730 feet is significant , folks . Especially when your footwear sucks and your snowshoe breaks on mile 3 ) . But now we share the deeper bond of stories told , experiences shared , and trust exchanged . I know that she won 't tell everyone what I talked about , and she also has my confidence . It 's how friends are made . Mutual trust , risk in sharing , assurances cemented . If we hadn 't spent the weekend together , she might not have stopped by with another friend last Friday night , for just a little while , to pick me up when I felt sad . Now I know - we needed that time together . I 've already counted on her , and she 's already delivered . I look forward to returning the favor some day . I am lucky to have a lot of friends along my timeline of life . Friends who come to me in good times and bad , trusting I can listen , understand , advocate , counsel . But the sweetest part ? Is that they are there for me in return . None of them could ever replace my husband or kids , nor should they . But they fill a giant , gaping hole that would be empty and depressingly void if they weren 't there to challenge me , make me belly laugh , and listen with a compassionate ear . Many of you hit the gym in the past week . Or are gagging down kale smoothies . Perhaps you vowed to drink less . Maybe you 're striving for professional success , or are planning to meet Mr . or Ms . Perfect ( newsflash : they don 't exist ) . Several of you made New Year 's Resolutions - heck , maybe you even wrote them down . Whelp , for those of you who swore off wine , have you failed miserably yet ? You will . And here 's why : New Year 's Resolutions work a mere 9 % of the time , according to this research . I would argue that the number is lower , because people who actually respond to surveys like this are the ones who take this resolution nonsense fairly seriously . Now don 't get me wrong - I 've made ( and failed ) my fair share of New Year 's Resolutions over the years . My wise father always said , " You ain 't got no wisdom ' til you 're 30 ! " I 've put my time in on this resolving business and can share my sage advice since I 'm a day or two over 30 . Well super , Sally . In your mind , or shucks . . . maybe even on paper , you 've decided to do something . Or to stop doing something . Big freaking deal . While my inner grammar geek appreciates that the word " resolve " is a verb and inherently suggests action , it 's not much better , I 'm afraid . You 're simply seeking out a solution . Anybody can do that . The 50 + % of people who partake in this annual ritual usually announce goals that are too lofty , too broad , and are not cemented in concrete results . They typically intend to resolve bad behavior , rather than focusing on the true change they wish to achieve in life . Resolutions are born after a month of eating too much rich and sweet food , drinking more than normal , partying like rockstars , and neglecting one 's health and well being in favor of a single day . A day that 's morphed into a month and creeps further and further into the month of November , so that as a society we 're now preparing for it in July . Check it out - I guarantee you 'll see Christmas decorations for sale this coming summer when the temperatures soar to above 90 degrees . A New Year 's Resolution of " lose weight " will most likely fail . A New Year 's Resolution of " lose 25 pounds " will also likely fail . But something along the lines of " work toward optimal health by visiting a whole health facility , buy into their philosophy , follow up monthly , take their supplements and do the hard work " may succeed . Successful people goal set - of that I have no doubt . I 've seen it in people I admire , people I 've worked for , and in my own life . But the difference is that they do this regularly when they identify change they need to happen in their lives . They check back on those goals consistently . January 1st does not mark some miraculous annual moment ; rather , it 's just a normal tune up on changes they 've been striving toward all along . I have always been one to reset occasionally , particularly when I find myself favoring one part of my life over the other , causing undue stress to myself and those around me . Over the years I 've missed the balance mark in life due to working too much , not working enough , neglecting my health , neglecting family and friends , hell - even when trying to survive life with a new puppy ! The key is to recognize when that balance starts creating negative juju , particularly in your relationships with the people who matter most . Waiting until January 1st to make real change is not the answer . This year I reflected a lot between the days of December 25th and January 1st . And for the first time in my life , I pondered with a bit of pride , truly happy and content with what I accomplished in 2016 . It didn 't begin with a list of unachievable and unquantified goals I wrote down in January of 2016 . It came from a deep desire within to better myself in certain areas in October of 2015 . That 's when I called to make a doctor appointment with a whole health facility in Chicago - one that takes preventative health seriously . The first available appointment with the doctor I wanted to see was early December . After meeting with her , I decided to commit 100 % to a modern approach to healthcare . I underwent some complex blood testing to find out that I 'm not genetically predisposed to wind up with my mother 's health care concerns - osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia - rather , I 'm on my Dad 's path . Cardiovascular inflammation ; small , dense , sticky cholesterol particles ; and a future possibility of stroke , heart disease , and / or type 2 diabetes . That 's not to say I will definitely contract all of those diseases . But despite a ' healthy ' report by modern medical standards ( normal cholesterol , HDL , LDL , triglycerides , blood pressure , thyroid , etc . ) I still showed concerns under the hood . Take the appropriate supplements . Multivitamins don 't cut it - how do you know you 're getting the right amount of macro - and micronutrients ? I continue to work monthly with the nutritionist , altering the food I eat and the types of supplements I take to address my particular internal makeup . Over the course of 2016 , I lost 25 pounds . To many of you that may seem like no big deal , but I promise you , it 's huge . It happened in big chunks but it stayed off , which is miraculous . Ten pounds in January . Five in March . Another ten in October . I lose weight like I do everything - wonky . As a result , the blood work showed marked improvement in all areas of concern . I 'm continuing to work toward " optimal " health , and I 'm a helluva lot closer now than I was a year ago . I started walking more in December of 2016 . A lot . Then I started running for 30 second increments every two minutes . So run for 30 seconds , walk for 90 seconds . I rode the bike up north during the summer , and I also started throwing some weights into the mix . And then , I met and fell in love with the kettle bell , thanks to my neighbor , Michelle . I work out with the most fantastic group of women and men with the greatest trainer on the face of the earth . Tim the Trainer is motivating , tough , kind , and encouraging . I know others in the group agree with me - their life is richer , healthier , and more full with him in it . I miss them all when I 'm away . I look forward to seeing them after a weekend of good food and stiff drinks . I hate it when we 're on number 175 of some seemingly impossible bodyweight feat , working our way toward 500 and my heart 's about to pound right out of my chest . I loathe the female sports bra - it 's like wrestling a monkey into a straightjacket , but it 's an important , worthwhile component of the regimen . I like looking at myself in the mirror , naked . Many women will go their whole lives avoiding the full sized mirror after stepping out of the shower . I marvel at the new muscles , bigger indentations in my waistline , and legs that for once in my life are showing definition . It 's a miracle every day , one that I am determined to keep sculpting . Here 's my point - I did this all without specific resolutions in January of 2017 . People , if you want to better yourselves , find love , secure a better job , improve your health , have deeper relationships , then you need to work on it daily . Goals help guide us , of that there 's no doubt . But you have to do the work ! I cannot agree more with this article . You need to feel the pain to get better , move ahead , grow stronger . What pain are you willing to endure ? If none , then your resolutions mean squat . So if you 're into resolving in the new year , kudos to you . But if you want to succeed , you must be intentional throughout the year . Check back on those goals . Revise them to include quantitative , achievable steps . I would even challenge you to write down the pain you 're willing to endure for every resolution you make . And at the end of it all remember this : You don 't need the calendar to turn to make a difference . Just start doing it . Get out of your comfort zone , even if it means peeing your pants a little . The end result makes life richer and better in so many ways . I didn 't think about starting that kettle bell class for months - I just did it . I didn 't think about cutting back on alcohol for a long time - one day I just said no to Sunday through Thursday drinking . I said yes to going on the radio with a couple of friends this year , and I love it . Sort out the details later , but for now , just say yes to opportunities that appear in front of you . Embrace the pain and discomfort to see what lies ahead on the other side . You 'll probably end up looking for more challenging experiences , especially when there 's good on the flip side . And even when there 's not , I guarantee there 's a solid lesson within the experience to walk away with . Here 's to 2017 , but more importantly , to the challenge in every day . Go for it . Modify daily . Reflect and resolve on more than just January 1st . And if you don 't , then I hope you 're in the 9 % who keep those resolutions . Believe you me , I have a humdinger of a fish story to tell . I 'm working on it . But I live with teenagers . And you know what teenagers ar . . . Well , hello there world . To say I owe you an update on the Whole30 would be the understatement of the last month and a half . We were cruis . . . Hey guys . I 'm alive . Not chopped up and resting in a nearby forest preserve . Not shoved face first through a wood chipper . Not decapitat . . . All of the material on this blog is copy written by the blog author . Ideas , photographs and concepts cannot be reproduced without the written consent of the blog author . 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Welcome ! This is a forum for vegans ! Non - vegans : please search the now archived Going Vegan area if you have questions about going vegan . Please register for full access . Go to Settings > Permission Groups to see all subforums . Page 7 of 9 My mother brought me up to always love and respect animals . My father had similar attitudes and also brought me up to love nature and the environment . Still , everday I was given meat and never truely told were meat came from . When I was 8 years old the foot and mouth crisis hit the UK , and the news was full of video clips of cows being slaughtered and sheep being rounded up to be killed and set on fire . Then I realised were meat came from . I remember I gathered all my stuffed toy animals together because I was scared someone was going to come and slaughter them At the point I stopped eating meat , with no support what so ever from my seemingly ' animal loving ' parents . In fact my family gave me the whole ' you wont get enough nutrients and you 'll be ill ' . So I was on and off with being vegetarian as I had to eat what my mother brought for me . As I got older she did start to be supportive of vegetarianism and even stopped eating meat herself . I never knew what a vegan was untill I was 13 years old , I read about it online and decided I wanted to try it . My first attempt was not sucsesful , and I kept going in and out of vegan . I then went back to vegetarian as I didn 't research veganism enough and didn 't plan my meals very well so I had a very crappy vegan diet . A year later , I randomly went onto the vegan society website and saw they did a vegan pledge that offered support and information to help you . I decided to do the pledge for the longest amount of time ( 30 days ) . Now I was well prepared I sailed through being vegan and found it really easy . About a week into the pledge I decided I was not going to ever look back , and I was going to live as cruelty free as posible from that point on . I thought it could be tricky as I am a regional level competitive Rhythmic Gymnast , but actually my sport preformance has increased greatly now I am vegan and I 'm physically much better than before Here I am , still doing as I promised myself I feel a much greater sense of connection to the Earth and all it 's life ! Through being Vegan I have also found Paganism , which has changed the way I live my entire life . I would never look back " Life is life � whether in a cat , or dog or man . The idea of difference is a human conception for man � s own advantage . " I became vegetarian in 1978 when I got involved with the Hare Krishna . Then after a few years I went back to eating meat again and then back to being vegetarian . I was a vegetarian for total of almost 15 years then vegan for a couple of years now . I went vegetarian when I was 14 , inspired by a great teacher at my school . We were talking one day and for whatever reason she mentioned that she didn 't use Parker pens because they were ( at the time ) made by Gillette . On asking her why she told me about their R & D policy and so I began avoiding their products too and then gradually started boycotting more and more and became veggie about 6 months later . I have spent my entire live determinedly avoiding all information about animal abuses and slaughter , leaving the room or covering my eyes and ears if it came on tv . Then a few months ago , there was an item on the news about pigs and how they 're treated , and I refused to watch it , and my mum ( a pescetarian ) told me " you can 't just pretend it isn 't happening ! " . I went and holed up in my room , then later that night looked up the news item and watched it on my laptop . From then I decided that I would become pescetarian , like my mum , and that would be enough . This lasted about 2 weeks , then , while snooping on this forum as a guest , saw mention of a video called " Meet Your Meat " . I went and watched it , cried a lot and nearly threw up , and became vegan from then on . It really amuses me how I started out thinking that pescetarian would be enough , and now I 'm a strict vegan ! ! It 's now been 3 wonderful months Reply With Quote Aug 17th , 2010 , 06 : 44 PM Ok , my first post here I am vegan for 1 , 5 year now and I absolutely love it . I 've been vegetarian for all my life ( raised in a vegetarian family ) , and slowly we started changing our habits - some of my closer siblings went vegan which led me to start thinking about going one as well . So right now in our family , my mother is the only one vegetarian left . But she 's eating almost only vegan food , since well , there are more of us , hehe . I am thinking about trying raw veganism for a week or so , to see the difference in my body and mind , I 'm thinking now in summer , since the weather is hot and all . Anyway , my story as a vegan is pretty boring . Not boring , Morellius - it is wonderful that you were raised vegetarian , and even better that you have an almost entirely vegan family now ! Lucky you ! Oh yes , and welcome to the board ! Live and let live I became a pescetarian when I was 13 , mostly ( unfortunately ) due to a desire to loose weight . Before that , I 'd eaten chicken and turkey as well as seafood , milk , and eggs , but I hadn 't eaten red meat since I was younger - - maybe 9 or 10 . My mom didn 't , and still doesn 't , eat red meat , and though she never forced the lifestyle on me , it felt like a more natural and convenient way to go , since we never really had red meat in the house . Pescetarianism was really easy for me , but after a couple of years I began to think about what exactly I was eating . It no longer felt right to eat the flesh of any living thing , so I slowly began cutting out seafood as well . By the winter of my junior year in high school ( this past January ) , I was fully vegetarian . It was July when I began seriously considering veganism , after reading Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer . Though the book says little about egg and dairy production , it got me thinking , and I realized I didn 't feel right about ingesting any animal products or using anything that caused the harm of an animal . My 1 - month " veganversary " was last weekend , and I can think of few decisions in my life that have impacted me as positively as this one . I am enjoying the learning process immensely . Welcome to the board Maddy ! Great to hear that you 're feeling so positive about your decision to go vegan . Don 't listen to anyone who says that it restricts your choices - I have found that it has opened so many doors to amazing new worlds ! Enjoy ! I was an omnivore up until early 2009 . I moved out of home and decided that I was going to stop eating so much meat and try to just eat fish . So I pretty much a pescatarian up until 3 months ago . I 've always loved animals and wanted to become vegetarian , but living with a controlling / abusive father made it pretty hard . Anyway , I was set on staying pescatarian because I thought it would be way too hard for me to be vegetarian / vegan . . . until 3 months ago i was bored and googling veganism . . looked at the PETA website . . watched ' Meet Your Meat ' and decided this is enough , I felt sick to my stomach and I haven 't been able to touch any meat or fish since then . I have to admit , I have slipped up a couple of times and had some dairy products , maybe 2 or 3 times . I 'm not going to beat myself up about it though . I 'll get stricter with myself in time . I 'm really proud of myself to have made it to 3 months anyway , I feel like such a better person now So jah , that 's it . I became vegan overnight . I 'm a philosophy student , so invariably I eventually came around to the ethical question : is it wrong to eat meat ? It didn 't take much research for me to decide the answer . I 'm an ethical nihilist , that is , I do not believe there are any objective ethical truths . There 's no fundamental right or wrong . But I do think that a consequentialist system of ethics , close to utilitarianism wherein we attempt to minimize suffering , is our best shot at progress as a human race ( a bit of a circular argument there , but we can 't do ethics without some emotional appeal . . . the is / ought problem stands ) . Arguments for why that principle should be exclusive to humans are questionable at best . Hence , we ought not to cause needless suffering to animals . We need not consume their meat or any animal products to survive . Whence , we ought not to consume animal products . That 's the gist of a longer paper I wrote , and unlike most philosophers I know , I was actually compelled to act on my conclusion . One day I was enjoying the taste of crisp bacon . The next day I was whole - heartedly against the idea of ever consuming another animal product . As I sit here stuffing a few too many bites of vegan pancakes into my mouth , I 'm thinking about my rats . They died several years ago , but I still remember the disdainful tone of the people who referred to them as " things " . I spent thousands of dollars on their veterinary care . I carefully dosed one with narcotics every four hours when she was in pain towards the end of her life . I made up a potty song for them . They shot up the walls of their cage like two little monkeys every time I entered the room . They shot up my pant legs just to hop into my arms . They even cuddled me when I was sick . " Things " don 't form emotional attachments . Isis was independent and mischievious . Raisa lived to cuddle and mostly did what she was told . Sometimes when Isis would try to sneak away to explore where she wasn 't allowed , Raisa would pounce on her and a squabble would ensue . Tell me these aren 't self - aware creature capable of creative interaction . If rats can have separate personalities , surely they have some sense of self . That is not a quality of a " thing " . Rats make the most horrible sound on Earth when they 're in pain . Let 's just say it 's between a loud squeal and a loud squawk and will split your ear drums . They obviously have nerves and a sense of pain , which again , a " thing " doesn 't have . What is the difference between rats and the animals we typically eat ? Not much . A rat is about as smart as a dog , which is smarter than a chicken , or a cow , or a sheep , but do we deny mentally disabled people their right to life and to some base level of quality of life just because we 're smarter than them ? Usually not , and the people that do are generally painted as monsters . I became vegan overnight . I 'm a philosophy student , so invariably I eventually came around to the ethical question : is it wrong to eat meat ? It didn 't take much research for me to decide the answer . I 'm an ethical nihilist , that is , I do not believe there are any objective ethical truths . There 's no fundamental right or wrong . But I do think that a consequentialist system of ethics , close to utilitarianism wherein we attempt to minimize suffering , is our best shot at progress as a human race ( a bit of a circular argument there , but we can 't do ethics without some emotional appeal . . . the is / ought problem stands ) . Arguments for why that principle should be exclusive to humans are questionable at best . Hence , we ought not to cause needless suffering to animals . We need not consume their meat or any animal products to survive . Whence , we ought not to consume animal products . That 's the gist of a longer paper I wrote , and unlike most philosophers I know , I was actually compelled to act on my conclusion . One day I was enjoying the taste of crisp bacon . The next day I was whole - heartedly against the idea of ever consuming another animal product . So I used to LOVE eating meat . I even used to say that I could never be vegetarian ( oh , and forget vegan , I mean how can anyone live without cream and butter ? ? ? ) . Although somewhere deep inside I felt there is something wrong with eating other beings . This feeling goes way back to my childhood and seeing animals on my grandfather 's farm and then just knowing , as only a child can know , instinctively that it is wrong to eat them and use them . But I pushed that away , buried that down as a silly thought . Then as a young adult I attempted to stop eating meat , twice I think . But it just didn 't work . I never did any proper research to find new kinds of food , so it was mostly trying to replace the center of a Polish dinner - big chunk of meat with sth else . Well , not a right approach . So , lots of " cheat meals " , lots of dairy products and then , eventually back to eating meat . Around five yrs ago together with my husband we 've decided to cut our meat and dairy consumption , mainly for environmental reasons . If we bought meat or dairy it was organic . It went on like this OK until our daughter was born last year . I read two books " The politics of breastfeeding " and " The Baby Bond " which wrote in detail about effects of milk and dairy products on human health . I decided my daughter will not eat dairy , not until she is weaned from breast ( so around 2 - 3 yr of age ) . Which is damn hard , ' cause health professionals and parents in this country ( we live in Finland ) literally PRAY to dairy . With introducing solids we decided to go with Baby - led weaning approach . So inevitably , I had to start looking for vegan recipes and bought two vegan cookbooks last spring . Loved it . Every single dish i made I just loved , but I wasn 't thinking about going vegan . Just eating healthy and still some meat , every once in a while . It was only after my daughter started being enthusiastic about animals - cows , horses , our dog , that I thought . . . " damn , how can i EVER tell her that this cow is what we eat ? " . I mean , kids are such innocent beings , so in tune wiReply With Quote Sep 16th , 2010 , 10 : 30 AM I met lots of Finnish while living in Beijing who were vegan , so I know there is support out there for you . Meeting other families is comforting . Back in London I didn 't meet other baby / mamas but all the health care providers were familiar with vegans and gave us no trouble . Hope you have a smooth ride as well ! I 'm sure your husband will soon follow suit ! I went vegan , then my mum , then my dad and then my little sister ! Lead by example ! The taste of anything in my mouth for 5 seconds does not equate to the beauty and complexity of life . I was born to a Vegan mum and a Vegetarian dad ( who is now a vegan as well ) , I was raised vegetarian until I was thirteen when I decided I wanted to go vegan like my mum . It was easy for me really as my mum knew all the nutritional information to give me a helping hand . I was pretty much a vegan anyway as my mum cooked mainly vegan food and only every now and the would she put dairy in my food . All my clothes and soap were already vegan so the transition was very easy for me . I know I had it lucky as we had supportive family who used to make sure that they would eat veggie or vegan food when we went to visit and would always check the ingredients to make sure it was okay for us to eat . Unfortunately my friends weren 't the same , nor were my teachers or doctors . When I was a baby my doctor wanted to send me for tests even though I was more healthy than any of the other children in my area and continued to be through school . My teachers would always try and make me eat meat at lunch times ( and would also blame my dyslexia on my diet , can you believe that ? ! ) . They would even write letters to my mum to tell her that I needed more nutrition in which my mum would respond that I hardly ever got colds or flu and a list of what nutrients I ate everyday . She was never a ' preachy vegan ' but if someone got at her about it she 'd give it right back . I can 't pretend that non of this affected me but after years of questions and comments like ' what do you eat ? ' , ' no wonder you 're so skinny ' and ' you 'll get this illness or that problem ' , etc I think I have finally started to let it go over my head without getting upset about it . I know what I believe in and that is enough for me . I 'm not a ' preachy vegan ' . I am open to questions about it if people are actually curious or even interested in becoming vegan but tend to ignore the people who want to get into an argument with me , I know that there is no point in getting involved as they will never change their view on things , which is very sad but true . I hope one day something will change and that people will actually think about what they are eating and / or wearing . I know it 's slowly changing as when I was young their was hardly anywhere we could eat out but now their seems to be more and more vegan friendly places to eat and more awareness of what is going on . There will always be some people who don 't give a damn , but hopefully that they will be only a small percentage of society instead of the majority . My finance is now a vegetarian , he was a meat eater when I met him but I cooked him a vegan meal and he said it was so good even without the meat . He realised soon after that there was no need for him to eat meat and that he would slowly make the change to being vegan . He has cut down on a lot of his dairy intake and he is in the process of sorting through his clothes . Hopefully he 'll have the strength to carry on even with all he comments and questions he 'll get whenever he meets up with his friends We are having a baby and we are currently looking into how to raise the vegetarian and hopefully even vegan . I am looking through books and asking my mum loads of questions about how best to do it . I have to admit that I 'm rather scared . I have wanted a baby for as long as I can remember and I 'm not as strong as my mum is , I don 't want lots of people criticising my mothering skills . I know it 'll probably be fine , but I am worried about it . ^ Wow , your story is neat . Generations of vegans . I hope you 're able to raise your baby vegan . Have you read Becoming Vegan by Brenda Davis and Vessanto Melina ? There 's a chapter in there on being pregnant and vegan and raising vegan kids . I thought the information was good , but I 'm not pregnant and don 't have any children . I haven 't read that book yet . Thanks for letting me know about it , it sounds just like what I need to read . I have a great book on nutrition that my mum swore by when I was young but it 's a bit old now and the pages are falling out ! So I need a new book . That 's a really amazing story ! Like you I have vegan parents , ( I converted them : P ) and they are currently raising my little sister vegan . I understand the pressure that you will be under . Just stand your ground and do what you know is right in your heart . When me and my partner have children ( most likely be adopting ) they will also be raised vegan . Brilliant ! Thanks Wendy Emzy1985 : It 's great that you converted your parents . I know it 'll be fine to raise children vegan and when I read some more books I 'll be happier and more confident about it . I know I 'll have to fight many doctors along the way though . Rainbow : I know I was very lucky with the parents I have . I 'm very happy and thankful about how they raised me . I did get terribly bullied at school about it though and hopefully by the time my child goes to school things will have changed as I really don 't want them to be bullied . I got bullied too , so I understand . I was vegetarian until I was 11 , then vegan . I got teased even for being vegetarian , because this was twenty years ago and was still very much the exception to the rule . When I went vegan , I was the only vegan I knew , and in my immaturity I was rather preachy about it . That certainly didn 't win me any friends ! But having been through these things ourselves , learned how to develop coping strategies and how best to relate to other people and their negative attitudes , we can guide our own children through it . Unless your mother was a vegan while still at school , she may have had only sympathy to offer . You will be able to offer your child more concrete practical advice on how to handle such situations . Also , while kids may pick on someone for being vegan , they may equally pick on someone for being clever , stupid , fat , thin , tall , short , red - headed , bespectacled , smelly , spotty , gangly , voluptuous , flat - chested , shabby , posh , promiscuous , celibate , or anything else that isn 't considered sufficiently " normal " . As very few kids are lucky enough to be entirely " normal " , chances are that most kids will get picked on at some point . Teaching a child how to address such situations with humour , diplomacy and an appreciation of their intrinsic self - worth is far more valuable than just hoping that they will fit in , and I am sure you will be better placed than most parents to do just that . I know I 'm bringing up an older thread , but I 'm new and wanted to tell my story I have been a huge animal lover my entire life , but I never really connected my love for animals and the fact that I consumed them on a daily basis . When I was a freshman in high school I was at McDonalds with some friends and one of them asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up . As I was chomping on my hamburger , I said " an animal rights activist " . The irony hit me like a sledgehammer . I threw out the rest of my burger and became a vegetarian then and there . Because I was in high school and didn 't have the support of my family at the time , I only last a year as a vegetarian , I wasn 't eating well at all and became sick . I added chicken and fish back into my diet ( haven 't touched beef since that day though ) . As I got older , I really started to think about what eating meat meant and I toyed with the thought of going vegetarian again . Along the way I made friends with a few vegans and thought there was no way I could ever do that . If giving up chicken again would be hard , giving up dairy would be impossible . But the thought stewed in the back of my head for years . I had gotten to a place in my life where I was eating like complete crap for convenience , a lot of fast food , sweets , junk in general and I felt like crap . I decided it was time to jump in feet first and try vegan . I challenged myself to go completely vegan for one week and see how I felt . With the help of my vegan friends I armed myself with some awesome recipes and stocked up my kitchen with vegan food . I ate more delicious food that week than I expected . Everything I made tasted awesome and at the end of the week I didn 't miss the meat or dairy in my diet , so I decided to make it stick . Also during that week I read The Kind Diet which opened my eyes to the horrors of the meat and dairy industry ( like many others , I believed the whole " happy cows " bull from the dairy commercials ) and what it does to our bodies . This knowledge solidified my choice and I have stuck with it now for a little over two months and I have never felt better in my life . I cried for the whole thing . I sat there bawling my eyes out feeling like the worst thing in the world , repeating how sorry I was over and over as if they could hear me . It was worse than any horror movie I had seen ; I was actually gasping out loud and had to fight the urge to just turn it off . So there it is . My story . I still feel immense guilt about having eaten and used animals for clothing in the past but all I can do is live well now . about a year and a half ago i was living in a really bad situation . i had barely dragged myself through school and was on academic probation . i was overweight and depressed as well . i did nothing but eat , sleep , smoke , and drink . my roommate was the same way . i couldn 't care less about myself or my health . i don 't know what made me do it , but one day i just decided that i had had enough . i started eating healthier ( or what i thought was healthier at the time ) and exercising . all of the sudden i felt more motivated . my brain 's ability to function increased . i did better in school ( last semester i got my scholarship back ) , lost weight , and quit my bad habits . over the school year i ate meat less and less without really noticing . i began trying alternatives to milk and cheese . unfortunately my roommate didn 't follow suit . she downward spiraled until she quit school and her job and went to rehab . this sounds like an awful thing to say but i was relieved . i could finally focus fully on myself and my health and not take care of her all the time ( she is 7 months sober now by the way and is back in school ) . when she left i got my own place . this allowed me to really work on self improvement . i became addicted to yoga and healthy food . meat and dairy were very rarely in my kitchen . then i started watching documentaries about the food industry and america 's health problems ( after which i then read a few books ) . i realized that i basically already ate a vegan diet . so i switched completely . i couldn 't stand knowing all of the horrible issues meat , dairy , and eggs caused both for animals and for humans . it has been about a month now and i am loving it . i feel and look great . i think i might be inspiring my sister to make similar changes in her diet . lets hope she does ! then we will have another great story . Thanks for sharing your story , LRP ; I enjoyed listening ! Amazing that folks don 't feel the same guilt and revulsion yet after all the chipping away of ignorance you are up too . . . Time will tell . Time for my Vegan story , i can 't promise it will be interesting or full of any adventure or whimsy sadly Since i was old enough ( i imagine about 4 or 5 ) to make it clear what i wanted and didn 't want to eat i simply never had an interest in eating meat and i was for the most part a Vegetarian i would occasionally eating crisps with meat flavourings , the fact i did that makes me kinda angry with myself , but hey it 's in the past now . In 2009 i suffered some health issues and the symptoms were an increased heart rate and discomfort in the chest area and this was eventually diagnosed as being due to severe acid reflux and it was this moment in my life that made me think a lot and not just about my diet . Around this time i was drinking milkshakes fairly regularly and pumping myself full of Luzozade ( sports drink , to get me through work ) and i believe this caused some of my health issues . I do also believe i would of gone Vegan at a much earlier age if i had been exposed to it sooner or just of been educated better , i don 't think in my whole time at school Veganism was mentioned by either a teacher or a fellow student . I also believe the area i grow up while nice enough and full of friendly people ( well some ) , it isn 't a place for aspiring people it seems , very much a run of the mill place where people do as they 're told and don 't want to stand out as being different . All men around my age will spend their time talking about football ( soccer ) , ogling women and stuffing their faces with whatever food they can access , normally meat and that lifestyle just seems empty , boring and wrong . I decided I wanted to be a vegetarian when I was 15 , when I could not justify eating meat just because someone else from an industry had slaughtered , skinned and prepared it for me . I did not feel comfortable being a hypocrite . I considered myself fortunate enough to have seen , first - hand , what happened to animals on factory farms , which only enforced my discontent with eating meat . Even though I intially started off as vegetarian , I did not consume much dairy , due to intolerance , so I became vegan for two reasons . Over time , my body seemed to reject dairy products more and more , and during that time , I also looked more into the truth in how dairy is processed and produced . Since I did not consume dairy very regularly anyway , I decided to adopt a vegan diet and have been feeling the benefits ever since . I have obviously become a lot more aware of things , one of the main eye - openers for me was watching Earthlings . As disturbing and upsetting as it was ( and is ) , I also learned a lot more , which has only compelled me to continue and maintain this lifestyle . Up until the age of 18 , I was happily omnivorous . I ate little red meat but I loved fish , poultry , and dairy . Eggs tended to make me ill ( if I ate too many , my kidneys couldn 't seem to cope ) , but I enjoyed them nonetheless . When I got to college , there was this tutor whom I had a huge crush on . She was sweet and articulate and because I was an awfully awkward teen , she took me under her wing . I found out that she was vegetarian , and when she explained the reasons behind her choice of diet , I fell hook , line and sinker . I went veggie and stayed that way for 8 months . My mum was supportive and my dad was all proud , like I was making some huge political statement ( bless him ) . The problem was , I was doing it for somebody else and not for myself . Other than my mother and father , my family and friends were quite anti - vegetarian , and every mealtime with them became a debate about vegetarianism . I left college and lost the support of that beautiful tutor . A few months later , just after I 'd started university , I caved . After that , I was addicted to meat in all its forms : cured , smoked , fried , grilled - you name it , I ate it . I also LOVED cheese and when I eventually got pregnant , I craved milk like you wouldn 't believe . Then about 7 months ago , I watched an interview with Ellen DeGeneres , in which she explained her reasons for becoming vegan . She cited the documentary ' Earthlings ' as her motivation . My curiosity was piqued , but I didn 't want to make the same mistake as I had previously ( i . e . I didn 't want to go vegan because I was copying someone I admired ) . So after a few weeks of contemplating , I switched on the documentary with an open mind , just to see what would happen . I was horrified . The images , the sounds , the screams - that documentary destroyed me . It also completely changed my life . I had been comforting myself with half - arsed arguments that just weren 't true : ' free range ' was a label that had little meaning and so - called ' kosher ' food was nothing of the sort . The truth was - and is - that every animal suffers . Every animal lives and dies in fear and pain . And I had been taking their flesh and their bone and their tissue and their milk and putting it in my mouth , for no other reason than because it tasted good . I have been vegan ever since . It was a tough transition , because everything in my life up until that point had been omni . My boyfriend 's parents question me about my dietary choices every time I visit : they are convinced I 'm going to die and drag my son down with me ( and this is coming from a couple who drink a bottle of red wine every day and eat veal and venison in abundance ! ! ! ) . But this time , it 's different because I 'm not questioning myself . I 'm so happy with my decision and I feel so much cleaner and healthier being vegan . Making this choice and sticking to it has taught me to trust my own judgment : I 've come out to my boyfriend as gay ( a secret that has been tearing at me since I was 6 years old ) . We will be separating in the near future and I hope to bring my son up as vegan ( at least when he 's with me - my other half is steadfastly omni and won 't hear of it ) . Brilliant . I 've been vegan over 14 years and going vegan is one of the best things I 've ever done in my life . I eat so much more different food than ever before and I love the food I eat . I could never be anything but vegan . With all the vegan food you can buy these days you never ' miss out ' and anyway ' missing out ' on the odd foodstuff that isn 't vegan is nothing compared to what an animal is put through via the meat / diary industries etc . I went vegan when I was 22 , I had tried to before that ( I was vegetarian from aged 18 ) but moved to Germany and didn 't have enough courage or enough knowledge to keep it up . When I moved back to the UK and lived with other vegans I quickly learn how easy it was and they were really inspiring . I 'll never forget when I was vegetarian and got a lift from a vegan guy one time and he asked me if I ate meat , I was really pleased with myself and answered that I was vegetarian and he looked at me and said ' Oh , you 're half - way there then ! ' . I just had never considered that you could go further . I did and I have never looked back ! Veganism is going to take over the world ( I hope ! ) . For the sake of the animals and the environment . Hello ! I 'm thrilled to find this community , as I am extremely new at this . I went vegetarian 3 weeks ago , switching to vegan a few days into it because I found that there is no such thing as ' cruelty free ' dairy products . Interesting , when I asked friends to help me find some , they all asked , " What do you mean , ' cruelty free dairy ' ? " . And these are not ignorant people , so the question surprised me . With the Internet and my Kindle Fire , I 've already downloaded several cookbooks and wonderful recipes . I find it is all much easier than I would have imagined , and even though I am not ' tried and true ' yet , I am never going back . For many years I 've wrestled with my conscience , feeling profoundly horrified by the treatment of animals on factory farms . I can no longer be a part of such a brutal , callous and indifferent system . I love that this forum recognizes that veganism is so much more than nutritious . It 's a way of being , of loving and respecting life in all of it 's many forms . The health benefits are , for me , the side effects of doing what you know in your gut is RIGHT . Like everyone else here , I am a true animal lover . Like a previous poster , I have had rats that I adored . I have had rabbits , a ferret , and of course cats and dogs . I currently have four cats and one dog . Veganism to me is the right thing to do for the animals , of course . But it 's also about people . What does it do to people to treat animals the way that they are treated on factory farms ? What does it mean about a people to blindly ignore such horrific suffering so that mouths can be stuffed with foods that aren 't even good for you . It 's an insult to our integrity as a species , in my opinion . I would not say this in the general public for fear of hurting the cause of animal rights , but of course meat eating is wrong . We all know it here , and it 's a relief to be able to say so bluntly . I watched Earthlings one night in bed , the next day onwards i didn 't eat meat . That was two years ago . To solidify it i fell in love with a one day old baby rooster , it thought i was its dad . It only lived one week but i was madly in love with him , So god dam cute . It was like a brain explosions in one night realising that animals no matter how small deserved equal rights to us , and that we were the ones that stuffed up the circle of life . We conquered the planet , but we tipped the scales and now we will all pay . Another Earthlings convert here ! I was looking for Joaquin Phoenix vids on you tube one night when I stumbled across the link for Earthlings . I wasn � t really concentrating , just clicked and watched � and watched � and watched . It was just so profoundly horrific - so utterly earth - shattering and uncompromising in it � s message - that it was like I � d suddenly snapped out of a life - long stupor and I could see things clearly for the first time . Honestly , it was as if Mr Phoenix had personally handed me the red pill and I was out of the matrix and into the real world , lol . Well that was about three weeks ago , and I haven � t looked back since . I can honestly say that it wasn � t so much a conversion to veganism as it was an outright epiphany - I can � t even look at meat , milk , eggs , etc , without feeling sick to my core . I can � t believe how naive I was not to question the ethics of animal slavery . Never again . Powered by vBulletin ® Version 4 . 2 . 2 Copyright © 2017 vBulletin Solutions , Inc . All rights reserved . The Vegan Forum - A message board for vegans
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25May2017 Garden Goldfish Posted in Animals by lorriedeck My garden is a haphazard affair . There is no master plan to my flower garden other than my own thoughts which typically go like this : " That looks like a good spot " or " Hey , there 's a space there , " when planting a new flower . To use my mother 's words , my garden is a " mass of confusion " . At some point , I decided my garden needed a water fountain so I searched for one that would fit my gardening style . I needed something that was not formal . Formal doesn 't go well with a mass of confusion . Although I wasn 't sure what exactly would go well in a mass of confusion , I was fairly certain that a concrete fountain of a child holding an umbrella or of a little boy peeing just wouldn 't fit . And really , who needs a pretend boy peeing in their yard when they can have the real thing ? I have my husband Steve , who believes that it is his God - given right to pee outside . I found a water fountain that would fit my style at Wal - Mart , home of all things informal , redneck and cheap . It is a square wooden box with an old - fashioned looking fake hand pump from which the water flows . It 's not too big . It 's not formal . I had the perfect spot for it , so I bought it , took it home and set it up . It was loud . I wanted a nice trickle ; instead , it sounded like the kitchen spigot was running full force . I tried to adjust the pump to slow down the water flow and lessen the noise , but that didn 't work . It was full throttle or nothing . Undaunted , I decided to make it prettier and perhaps lessen the noise by adding some water plants and rocks . Once done , it sounded better . Still not as quiet as I 'd like , but not as noisy either and for the price I paid , I was satisfied . Later that spring , I arrived home from work one day to find that my water fountain was empty . The wind had blown all of the water out of the fountain as it flowed from the fake hand pump . I quickly unplugged the water pump and added more water and when I plugged it back in , it was fine . A few days later , the same thing happened again and I decided that I should only run the water fountain when I was home so that I didn 't ruin my water pump by running it in a dry fountain . Since my fountain would not be running daily and standing water is a breeding ground for mosquitos , I added three small goldfish to the fountain to eat any mosquito larvae . And things went swimmingly … . for a while . " I put some bleach in the water fountain . I didn 't know there were fish in there , hurry up ! They 're going to die ! " " Of course the water looks green , there are plants in there . The water is fine . If the water was bad , the fish wouldn 't have survived this long . " 23Apr2017 Such a Klutz Posted in humor by lorriedeck I had to act quickly . I had to do something or my already throbbing forehead would soon be in a lot more pain . He was standing behind me , getting things ready . My mother was standing in front of me , looking nonchalant and chatting away . Unfortunately , she was used to this . But I would never get used to it . I was in pain , I was scared and I needed a way out . Bingo . Adults never refuse a kid who says they have to go to the bathroom . My mother stepped aside as I jumped down off of the examining table and went to the restroom . Once inside , I locked the door and pants still in place , sat on the toilet . I didn 't really have to pee . I just needed a place to hide . I sat on the toilet looking around , surprised that there was a bathroom located in the examination room because I had never seen it before despite my numerous trips to the doctor . I couldn 't count the times I had been in that office to be patched up , examined or given shots . Because of my past experience , I knew that this time I was going to get shots and stitches and , at eight years old , I decided to fight back the only way I knew how , by hiding . Unfortunately , my hiding spot was right in the middle of the exam room . No matter , I decided I was in it for the long haul ; I decided that there would be no shots or stitches for me that day . I was content to sit there and bleed . Just an hour earlier I had been having fun , playing at my cousin 's house . My uncle kept horses and my brother , my cousins and I had been running and jumping into the back of a horse trailer . The idea was to see who could jump the farthest . The bottom of the trailer was lined with straw and with each jump we got more and more covered in straw dust and dirt . We were having a grand time until I forgot to duck . My mother was called . She came right away and proclaimed that - yet again - I needed stitches . Holding a wet washcloth to my forehead we headed off to Dr . Brundage , leaving my brother at my cousin 's house . Between me and my brother , we spent a lot of time at the doctors . If we weren 't getting stitches - I 'd had them recently to my toe and my knee - we were there because we were sick . In addition to various injuries , one year we had chickenpox , measles and scarlet fever . All of these visits made me scared of the doctor . I had so many stitches in the past that I knew the routine by heart . First , he 'd stick a needle into the wound to numb it . That would hurt . That would hurt real bad . One time I asked him if he could numb an injury before he used a needle to numb it . He laughed at me and told me no . After sticking me with needles to numb the pain , he would sew me up . Then he 'd give me a tetanus shot . It wouldn 't matter that I already had one . I knew from experience that any time I got injured around the horses , I got another tetanus shot . And frankly , that day , I was not about to be poked and prodded and get at least two shots and stitches . And so it was that I found myself hiding in the doctor 's bathroom , conveniently located right there in the corner of his exam room , sitting on a toilet fully dressed while holding a wet washcloth to my forehead to collect the blood still coming out of my wound . Looking around , I decided it wasn 't so bad in there . There was a sink , I could get a drink if I got thirsty . There was a light switch so I could turn off the lights when I got tired , although I 'd have to sleep on the floor . That was fine with me . She used my whole name . Like kids everywhere , I knew that meant I was in big trouble . In addition to using my full name , she had lowered her voice , whispered loudly . I knew I was in for it , but I didn 't care . Sitting there on the toilet I looked at the door . I had no idea if he could take the door off of the hinges . He knocked on the door , in the area of the upper hinge . " Right here . See this , I 've got a hammer and a screwdriver and I can pop the pin holding the hinge and take the door off . I don 't remember my mother saying much on the ride home . When we got home , I went back to my cousin 's house to show them and my brother my stitches . I didn 't tell them what a big baby I was and how I hid in the doctor 's bathroom . Why would I ? There were properly impressed with my injury and stitches . Later that afternoon , my father stopped at my cousin 's house to pick me and my brother up on his way home from work . My father worked as a lumberjack . He was often in the woods all day , away from a telephone , but somehow he always knew what went on at home while he was gone . Whenever my brother or I would ask him how he knew he 'd say , " A little bird told me . " So I wasn 't surprised that day to learn that he already knew about my forehead and I was fairly certain he also knew that I had locked myself in the doctor 's bathroom and refused to come out . I expected him to be upset with my behavior and to talk to me about it . Instead , he took my chin in his hand , tilted my head back , looked at my stitches and said , " You 're such a klutz , you just cost me twelve bucks . Let 's go home . " 9Apr2017 Cross My Path Posted in Animals by lorriedeck Splendippity is one year old today ! Thank you to each and every one of you who has taken the time to read , comment and encourage me over the past year . In honor of this momentous occasion , I am re - blogging my first post , enjoy ! Continue reading → 5Apr2017 The Unneighborly Neighbors Posted in Animals by lorriedeck When new people moved in across the road from us several years ago , my husband Steve and I went over and introduced ourselves . The new neighbors were a middle - aged couple and their adult son . Since they said they owned a car repair shop in town , from that point on Steve and I referred to them in private as the Mechanics . We have private names for all of our neighbors . We call one the Golfer because he likes to golf in our field . We call another Chipper Shredder because he is always cutting things down and running them through a chipper . Steve and I welcomed the Mechanics to the neighborhood ; something we would not have done if we had known what was to come . Continue reading → 29Mar2017 Blame the Dog Posted in Animals by lorriedeck They were an odd pair ; a little white dog whose legs looked even shorter than they actually were because of his fat , round body and a little white dog with tan markings that looked somewhat like a Jack Russell Terrier . I saw them both running across my yard as I was returning from a trip to the drug store to buy more cold medicine . I parked the car in the garage and stepped outside to see where they were going but when they saw me , they changed direction and ran over to me . Continue reading → I didn 't set out to become a restroom vigilante . No , I was forced into it bit by bit through the actions of a woman who treated the women 's room in our office building as her private office . Continue reading → 26Feb2017 Snow Geese Posted in Animals by lorriedeck I awoke yesterday morning to the sound of hundreds of snow geese in the farmer 's fields behind our home . They show up every year to rest and to glean the leftover corn to fill their bellies before moving further north . Ultimately , they will arrive at their breeding grounds in the Arctic tundra . I look forward to their annual visit because they 're the only Arctic animal I get so see living here in Pennsylvania and because I 'm amazed at the length of the journey they take every year , flying from the Arctic to the southern United States to winter in warm marshes , and then back to the far north every spring . They arrived a month early this year . Most years they show up in the middle of March , but spring arrived early here in Pennsylvania , and I knew that the geese , true harbingers of spring , would not be far behind . Continue reading → 9Feb2017 Kumm Esse Posted in family by lorriedeck The first time I met her she told me to call her Grandma . Although my husband and I were only dating at the time , and although she was his grandmother , she instantly welcomed me into the family and for the rest of her life she treated me and the spouses of all of her other grandchildren , as one of her own . Continue reading → Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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25May2017 Garden Goldfish Posted in Animals by lorriedeck My garden is a haphazard affair . There is no master plan to my flower garden other than my own thoughts which typically go like this : " That looks like a good spot " or " Hey , there 's a space there , " when planting a new flower . To use my mother 's words , my garden is a " mass of confusion " . At some point , I decided my garden needed a water fountain so I searched for one that would fit my gardening style . I needed something that was not formal . Formal doesn 't go well with a mass of confusion . Although I wasn 't sure what exactly would go well in a mass of confusion , I was fairly certain that a concrete fountain of a child holding an umbrella or of a little boy peeing just wouldn 't fit . And really , who needs a pretend boy peeing in their yard when they can have the real thing ? I have my husband Steve , who believes that it is his God - given right to pee outside . I found a water fountain that would fit my style at Wal - Mart , home of all things informal , redneck and cheap . It is a square wooden box with an old - fashioned looking fake hand pump from which the water flows . It 's not too big . It 's not formal . I had the perfect spot for it , so I bought it , took it home and set it up . It was loud . I wanted a nice trickle ; instead , it sounded like the kitchen spigot was running full force . I tried to adjust the pump to slow down the water flow and lessen the noise , but that didn 't work . It was full throttle or nothing . Undaunted , I decided to make it prettier and perhaps lessen the noise by adding some water plants and rocks . Once done , it sounded better . Still not as quiet as I 'd like , but not as noisy either and for the price I paid , I was satisfied . Later that spring , I arrived home from work one day to find that my water fountain was empty . The wind had blown all of the water out of the fountain as it flowed from the fake hand pump . I quickly unplugged the water pump and added more water and when I plugged it back in , it was fine . A few days later , the same thing happened again and I decided that I should only run the water fountain when I was home so that I didn 't ruin my water pump by running it in a dry fountain . Since my fountain would not be running daily and standing water is a breeding ground for mosquitos , I added three small goldfish to the fountain to eat any mosquito larvae . And things went swimmingly … . for a while . " I put some bleach in the water fountain . I didn 't know there were fish in there , hurry up ! They 're going to die ! " " Of course the water looks green , there are plants in there . The water is fine . If the water was bad , the fish wouldn 't have survived this long . " 23Apr2017 Such a Klutz Posted in humor by lorriedeck I had to act quickly . I had to do something or my already throbbing forehead would soon be in a lot more pain . He was standing behind me , getting things ready . My mother was standing in front of me , looking nonchalant and chatting away . Unfortunately , she was used to this . But I would never get used to it . I was in pain , I was scared and I needed a way out . Bingo . Adults never refuse a kid who says they have to go to the bathroom . My mother stepped aside as I jumped down off of the examining table and went to the restroom . Once inside , I locked the door and pants still in place , sat on the toilet . I didn 't really have to pee . I just needed a place to hide . I sat on the toilet looking around , surprised that there was a bathroom located in the examination room because I had never seen it before despite my numerous trips to the doctor . I couldn 't count the times I had been in that office to be patched up , examined or given shots . Because of my past experience , I knew that this time I was going to get shots and stitches and , at eight years old , I decided to fight back the only way I knew how , by hiding . Unfortunately , my hiding spot was right in the middle of the exam room . No matter , I decided I was in it for the long haul ; I decided that there would be no shots or stitches for me that day . I was content to sit there and bleed . Just an hour earlier I had been having fun , playing at my cousin 's house . My uncle kept horses and my brother , my cousins and I had been running and jumping into the back of a horse trailer . The idea was to see who could jump the farthest . The bottom of the trailer was lined with straw and with each jump we got more and more covered in straw dust and dirt . We were having a grand time until I forgot to duck . My mother was called . She came right away and proclaimed that - yet again - I needed stitches . Holding a wet washcloth to my forehead we headed off to Dr . Brundage , leaving my brother at my cousin 's house . Between me and my brother , we spent a lot of time at the doctors . If we weren 't getting stitches - I 'd had them recently to my toe and my knee - we were there because we were sick . In addition to various injuries , one year we had chickenpox , measles and scarlet fever . All of these visits made me scared of the doctor . I had so many stitches in the past that I knew the routine by heart . First , he 'd stick a needle into the wound to numb it . That would hurt . That would hurt real bad . One time I asked him if he could numb an injury before he used a needle to numb it . He laughed at me and told me no . After sticking me with needles to numb the pain , he would sew me up . Then he 'd give me a tetanus shot . It wouldn 't matter that I already had one . I knew from experience that any time I got injured around the horses , I got another tetanus shot . And frankly , that day , I was not about to be poked and prodded and get at least two shots and stitches . And so it was that I found myself hiding in the doctor 's bathroom , conveniently located right there in the corner of his exam room , sitting on a toilet fully dressed while holding a wet washcloth to my forehead to collect the blood still coming out of my wound . Looking around , I decided it wasn 't so bad in there . There was a sink , I could get a drink if I got thirsty . There was a light switch so I could turn off the lights when I got tired , although I 'd have to sleep on the floor . That was fine with me . She used my whole name . Like kids everywhere , I knew that meant I was in big trouble . In addition to using my full name , she had lowered her voice , whispered loudly . I knew I was in for it , but I didn 't care . Sitting there on the toilet I looked at the door . I had no idea if he could take the door off of the hinges . He knocked on the door , in the area of the upper hinge . " Right here . See this , I 've got a hammer and a screwdriver and I can pop the pin holding the hinge and take the door off . I don 't remember my mother saying much on the ride home . When we got home , I went back to my cousin 's house to show them and my brother my stitches . I didn 't tell them what a big baby I was and how I hid in the doctor 's bathroom . Why would I ? There were properly impressed with my injury and stitches . Later that afternoon , my father stopped at my cousin 's house to pick me and my brother up on his way home from work . My father worked as a lumberjack . He was often in the woods all day , away from a telephone , but somehow he always knew what went on at home while he was gone . Whenever my brother or I would ask him how he knew he 'd say , " A little bird told me . " So I wasn 't surprised that day to learn that he already knew about my forehead and I was fairly certain he also knew that I had locked myself in the doctor 's bathroom and refused to come out . I expected him to be upset with my behavior and to talk to me about it . Instead , he took my chin in his hand , tilted my head back , looked at my stitches and said , " You 're such a klutz , you just cost me twelve bucks . Let 's go home . " 9Apr2017 Cross My Path Posted in Animals by lorriedeck Splendippity is one year old today ! Thank you to each and every one of you who has taken the time to read , comment and encourage me over the past year . In honor of this momentous occasion , I am re - blogging my first post , enjoy ! Continue reading → 5Apr2017 The Unneighborly Neighbors Posted in Animals by lorriedeck When new people moved in across the road from us several years ago , my husband Steve and I went over and introduced ourselves . The new neighbors were a middle - aged couple and their adult son . Since they said they owned a car repair shop in town , from that point on Steve and I referred to them in private as the Mechanics . We have private names for all of our neighbors . We call one the Golfer because he likes to golf in our field . We call another Chipper Shredder because he is always cutting things down and running them through a chipper . Steve and I welcomed the Mechanics to the neighborhood ; something we would not have done if we had known what was to come . Continue reading → 29Mar2017 Blame the Dog Posted in Animals by lorriedeck They were an odd pair ; a little white dog whose legs looked even shorter than they actually were because of his fat , round body and a little white dog with tan markings that looked somewhat like a Jack Russell Terrier . I saw them both running across my yard as I was returning from a trip to the drug store to buy more cold medicine . I parked the car in the garage and stepped outside to see where they were going but when they saw me , they changed direction and ran over to me . Continue reading → I didn 't set out to become a restroom vigilante . No , I was forced into it bit by bit through the actions of a woman who treated the women 's room in our office building as her private office . Continue reading → 26Feb2017 Snow Geese Posted in Animals by lorriedeck I awoke yesterday morning to the sound of hundreds of snow geese in the farmer 's fields behind our home . They show up every year to rest and to glean the leftover corn to fill their bellies before moving further north . Ultimately , they will arrive at their breeding grounds in the Arctic tundra . I look forward to their annual visit because they 're the only Arctic animal I get so see living here in Pennsylvania and because I 'm amazed at the length of the journey they take every year , flying from the Arctic to the southern United States to winter in warm marshes , and then back to the far north every spring . They arrived a month early this year . Most years they show up in the middle of March , but spring arrived early here in Pennsylvania , and I knew that the geese , true harbingers of spring , would not be far behind . Continue reading → 9Feb2017 Kumm Esse Posted in family by lorriedeck The first time I met her she told me to call her Grandma . Although my husband and I were only dating at the time , and although she was his grandmother , she instantly welcomed me into the family and for the rest of her life she treated me and the spouses of all of her other grandchildren , as one of her own . Continue reading → Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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Discipline is the other side of discipleship . Discipleship without discipline is like waiting to run in the marathon without ever practicing . Discipline without discipleship is like always practicing for the marathon but never participating . It is important , however , to realize that discipline in the spiritual life is not the same as discipline in sports . Discipline in sports is the concentrated effort to master the body so that it can obey the mind better . Discipline in the spiritual life is the concentrated effort to create the space and time where God can become our master and where we can respond freely to God 's guidance . Henri Nouwen , from Bread for the Journey ( HT to Mike @ The Mercy Blog ) I was reading over at Onehouse 's blog a quote by Cynthia Bourgeault which said that the word ' perfect ' , in the language of Christ 's time , meant " whole , truly and fully alive . " Be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect . Makes much more sense reading it this way than the other way , which creates really ugly people sending large portions of themselves out into the wilderness , where they create larger havoc than they would have if their owners were looking . It sounds strange , but I am just loving the comfort I have discovered living with a God who knows me and the darkest parts of myself and honours me anyway . It was never the whiplash that has changed anything about me for the better . I love the way scripture has so many seemingly disparate verses , so we trip up on them like giant tree roots , grrr . I must say , life is difficult enough without biblical misinterpretations thrown into the mix . Methinks reading from 2000 year old manuscripts written in totally different cultures , times , and languages is a tiring process . It is good to get that particular verse about " be ye perfect " cleared up in my head . I 've given up the strive , I guess , to a reasonable extent . It comes rushing in like bushfire winds at times , threatening to overwhelm me . But I am beginning to recognise it a bit clearer , a bit faster , and to turn my face away likat It is the weekend . There are , however , several things threatening your fulsome immersion in said weekend . Thoughts about such things follows thusly in no particular order : 1 . You are feeling a little under the weather . You get grumpy and stressed when you 're not feeling well . Anti - dizziness medication is a good thing and you thank God for it . But it does , however , make you feel a tad drowsy . Which is probably good in a way because the drowsiness makes you feel sort of nice and groggy and then you stop being grumpy and stressed about not feeling well . And so your weekend is beginning to shape up in a certain way . You are thinking you should take the opportunity of having a geared - down weekend with no bicycleish gearing up by surrounding yourself with paints and pencils and pens and paper and clay and stuff . You are happy your mate John gave you his old digital set - top box so you can watch digital TV channels on a clear picture . Drowsiness will be aided greatly by bouts of television watching and accepting these days for what they are , instead of thinking about what they could be , which is surely a pointless useless enterprise . You are , after all , grateful that even though this weekend is what it is looking like , at least you 're not rolling around in great balls of grief wanting to be dead . Which is a good comparison . You think that comparisons are good when they flow in that direction , but not so good when they flow in the opposite direction . 2 . This is the opposite direction that you are struggling with . Your ex and his girlfriend are off for a weekend of music festivals and massages to celebrate their first anniversary . You are happy for them . You truly are . You are also really quite jealous in a way . Not of them personally as such - you do believe that things are as they should be . But of them being in lurve and the feeling of mutual attraction and just how lovely that whole thing is ( even though you feel cynically jaded enough to tiredly yawn how it doesn 't last . Oh , bitter old woman you are ) . But yes , you are jat There are four kittens after all , I discovered today . God knows there 's enough noise going on under my house for there to be four , bangings and thumpings . I don 't know what they 're doing under there , but it sounds fun . I like how they run in monochrome from black , to darker tabby , to light tabby . They are very pretty pusses , are they not ? I am glad to see they are all still here after all , while a bit bewildered at the same time , but you know , what am I gonna do , not feed them ? Well , I did forget to feed them last night . I was feeling ill after an aborted bike ride . I guess eating McDonald 's before riding , on top of just getting your period , is a bit of a recipe for dizziness and nausea and riding disaster . Bummer : ( Managed to get in 15 minutes in the You Yangs before being sidelined . I don 't handle physical things stopping me from doing what I want very well , even after all those years of practice . Today , I still feel dizzy around the edges . I really need to get my ears checked out . I think the insect - in - the - ear scenario has done something to my balance and made the whole thing worse . As a result of not feeding the kittens last night , they were hungry today and I 've managed to get these shots from out the playroom window . They are getting a bit less wary , I have to say . Might have them purring on the couch come winter yet ; ) Okay . That 's stopped the blokes from reading : ) I have a question for you women who aren 't using birth control . Just wondering how many of you have your little friend visiting at the moment : ) My art therapist told me that most women get their periods when the moon is in its waning period , or when it 's a new moon . Which is kinda cool , because then it means that when the moon is full and the earth is silvery , we are all ovulating and feeling sexy : ) Discuss ? Been thinking a bit this week about how different we all are , how differently we see things , and that ultimately it doesn 't matter what you do , people will think what they choose to think about you and there 's really not all that much you can do about it . I guess I 'm beginning the return to my old self because that concept is one I can sit easier with the last few weeks . It 's freaked me out over the last few years , when so much inner subconscious awful stuff has been blowin ' free in the wind for everyone to see ( or so it feels ) . I think I 'm sitting easier with that idea because I have felt for so long that the umbrella for my soul , the part of me that is confident and feisty , has sort of gone for a long nap . My old self contains this dualistic ultra - sensitive child who is scared of so much , and her much older and bigger confident persona , who shields her . It 's been a difficult ride to start uncovering that shyer child . She is the one who creates . Especially difficult when the other part of my soul had it 's umbrella bashed in and ripped up and out of action . How hard it is becoming myself : ( Yesterday , I weighed up the desire to go to the pub by myself to watch my team play its game on cable , versus the discomfort of doing such a thing . I 'm happy to say that I went . I sat amongst a couple of groups of men , young and old . This was a little bit uncomfortable but nothing I couldn 't ride , I guess . I read my book in between quarters ( I figured I already looked like a social weirdo / really independent person / someone there to pick up a quick root / loser with no mates , depending on how you view such things ; reading by myself in the pub was the logical next step . And anyway , it 's not like I actually wanted to speak with anyone there . Must take these sorts of things slowly . Anyway , it is a misconception that watching football is a social activity for everybody : ) Worldviews . Funny how different we are , as people . I guess some sort of maturity is a willingness to muster understanding and compassion and as much grace for each otheat While the dog is away the owner will play - or try to - with cats : ) The wild kittens cohabiiting between my house and next door have reduced in number to two . Two very pretty little long - haired pusses . Two nights ago , I sat outside with a box of dry food and threw it a few feet away from me and then sat there as the two kittehs came out tentatively from under the house . I rubbed some of the dry food between my hands before I threw it . They were wary indeed . But they ate , looking over their shoulders at any sharp movement from me , ready to run . Later that night , I sat outside on the step , in the ring cast from the front door light . I had heard one of the kittens mewing , as I can hear it today also . As I sat on the step , the lighter coloured tabby came from around the corner after hearing its brother or sister 's call . The other kitten is the same colouring but with a darker face . So cute . As I sat very quietly on the step , both kittens passed me in their travels . The lighter coloured one even stopped directly in front of me , sitting down four feet away and curling it 's tail neatly around the bottom of it 's feet , in the tidy way of felines . I have visions of the kittens and the cat and the dog and me all sleeping together on my bed : ) That doesn 't mean it 's gonna be happening : ) Last night I went outside with a tin of food . As I was mushing it out into the bowl , I felt a warm , softness brush past me . And there she was . The mother cat . I haven 't seen her for over a month . She was skinny . I think she has been lying low , letting her leg mend . She was so hungry that this petite - sized puss with the grey and white markings ate three quarters of a tin of cat food . She hissed at one of the kittens , who was trying to make an approach . I wondered if perhaps these kittens weren 't hers after all . Would a mother hiss that way at her own kittens ? But then , these kittens are probably three or four months old now . Old enough perhaps to make their own way . I don 't know . I wouldn 't know about the lifestyles of almost - wild cats . And this at Soul knowledge sends you in the opposite direction from consumerism . It 's not addition that makes one holy but subtraction : stripping the illusions , letting go of the pretense , exposing the false self , breaking open the heart and the understanding , not taking my private self too seriously . In a certain sense we are on the utterly wrong track . We are climbing while Jesus is descending , and I think in that we reflect the pride and the arrogance of Western civilization , always trying to accomplish , perform and achieve . We transferred all that to Christianity and became spiritual consumers . The ego is still in charge . When the self takes itself that seriously , there 's no room left for God . All we can really do is get ourselves out of the way , and we can 't even do that . Richard Rohr , Radical Grace : Daily Meditations , p . 46 , day 49I have spent the evening sorting and filing my writing - related stuff . This is a pretty big deal . I have not filed my writing stuff properly for , like , five years . I literally had a massive pile containing ripped - out articles from newspapers dating to 2004 . The old - paper mustiness has given me a cloggy head . Despite the clog , it 's been fun going through all of these papers . There was a massive pile of printed - out how - to articles from the net , most of which I have ditched . These are from my CFS years , when reading stuff online exhausted me so very quickly that I couldn 't stay online for longer than half an hour without needing to get up and have a break . Those were the days . And so I printed stuff out to read later , reams and reams and reams of which is now being incarnated into paper to write morning pages on . I have no need to keep most of these " how - to " articles anymore . So much of it seems almost basic knowledge now in some ways . I don 't want the list of rules and regulations . I want to learn by writing . The most interesting things I filed were the tons and tons of stories I have begun , containing a page , half a page . Most of them were pretty okay . First draft sort of stuff but still - at I 've come across competitions from time to time for short - short stories . Say , 250 words . A difficult task , but perhaps I shall try my hand at one . For me , poetry is like a short story . My poetry writing mojo returned the other day , while driving on the way home from a friend 's place . It involved scrambling to find some paper to write on ( note to self : put notebook back in bag . Alternatively , have empty envelopes floating around in bag to write on ) . I stopped twice on the way home , on a 15 minute car ride , because when the poem vomits itself out into your head , you have to write it down or it goes . I think a 250 word short story is more difficult . I can " cheat " with poetry . It flops itself up onto the shore of my mind pretty much fully - formed , and all I have to do is tinker with it . I get ideas for short stories in the same way . A phrase or a thought or a scene will present itself to me . The last year or two , that 's about all that happens before it gives a few breaths and dies . Still , I harbour hope that such things will not continue indefinitely : ) I think it would be an easier thing to write a short short short short story . Hemingway demonstrated that even a six - word story can contain poignancy : " For sale : baby shoes . Never used . " My son - in - law , Alan , says in his book , Journey into Christ , ' Our identity is hidden , even from ourselves . . . The doctrine that we are made after the image of God proclaims that the human being is fundamentally a mystery , a free spirit . The creative artist is one who carries within him the wound of transcendence . He is the sign that human beings are more than they are . ' . . . A real problem for most of us is that this ' more than we think we are ' is not necessarily recognized as good . It is difficult for most of us to recognize , accept , and affirm those large areas of ourselves which are not compatible with the image of ourselves we would like to project or which the world has taught us we ought to project . Jesus was very clear about these projections , referring to those who projected them as ' whited sepulchres , ' clean and white without , and full of dead bones and decay within . Madeleine L ' Engle - Walking on Water : Reflections on Faith and ArtA favourite saying is , " God helps those who help themselves . " I think the phrase can be understood correctly , but in most practical situations it is pure heresy . Scripture clearly says God helps those who trust in God , not those who help themselves . We need to be told that so strongly because of our entire " do it yourself " orientation . As educated people , as Americans , our orientation is to do it . It takes applying the brakes , turning off our own power and allowing Another . What the lordship of Jesus means is that first we come to him , first we put things into his hands . Our doing must proceed from our being . Our being is " hidden with Christ in God " ( Colossians 3 : 3 ) . Richard Rohr , from Radical Grace : Daily Meditations , p . 77I have been pondering this idea all day today , gleaning its comfort . I have become so much more aware in the last year or two how deep I go . How much there is in me that is just patently impossible for me to know . Like Paul , I am frustrated at the depths to which I do that which I do not want to do , and do not do that which I do want to . Thinking about this todayat On my way to work today I had to stop in at Victoria Police to be police checked and fingerprinted as part of my job transcribing interviews for the Victoria Police . Does anyone else find this just a tad . . . well , paranoid ? A bit heavyhanded , maybe ? How dull and dreary and insufferably boring it is living in this country . Provincial , bland and sterile . Overly ridiculously safe . There were lots of people in there getting police checks for their various jobs . I can understand their necessity for some jobs . Probably a good idea to have a police check if you 're working with children . But sheesh . The government 's tentacles just seem to stretch out a bit further all the time , unless they 're lopped off every now and then . I was going to miss my standard 11 past 11 frequency tuning in this morning as I wouldn 't be at home near the computer to see . It is amazing how many times each week I do notice , though , morning and night . But today , it wouldn 't happen because I 'd be out . I wasn 't even thinking about it . Until the train pulled into Southern Cross Station and I saw it up there on the television screen . Arrival time : 11 : 11 . Something is jiving with me . Seriously : ) I have had a leave of absence for the past three semesters from uni . I figured art therapy and uni were too much to do at that point in time - my doing - things threshold was pretty low . Problem is , it will be time to pick my degree up again in July and . . . well , I can 't say I 'm all that enthused about it , to be honest . Which is patently silly and pointless thinking , because I have 1 / 4 of my degree to go , and I have done 18 subjects over 400 , 000 years , and to throw it in now would be something I would suspect borders the realms of stupid self - sabotage . It would defy logic . Well , except for the logic that I really don 't like my university - their motives are clear , their love for the bottom line and for equipping their students to go out and earn as much cash as possible blatant and frankly it just makes me feel old and idealistic and stupid to think that universities should be something devoted to higher learning as opposed to churning out cookie - cutter job marketeers . But what place idealism in these times except for around the fringes ? I wish I had been around in the heady days of Gough Whitlamia when university education was free and the Arts revered . I am tempted to let my degree lapse , to apply next year to Deakin , the university at which I began my degree . Deakin offers philosophy subjects ; I have in fact already completed two of them . They also offer offline studying options which are also appealing . Maybe it 's good that universities are economically rationalised to within an inch of their lives . Herds the money - focussed elements into one large pen while the people on the outskirts can ply their wares and knowledge and practice with each other in peace . It never ceases to amaze me the amount of people out there who are generous with their time and knowledge when it comes to sharing their passions . I saw it yesterday in the chat I had with the man who designed the sensory garden at the Royal Talbot Hospital . I was there on an artist date of sorts , garnering ideas for this art space that has impaled itself in my at You have become conscious of your preference for second person present tense lately . You had to look up second person present to see if it was what you meant . You have a good , confident command of the English language . You don 't , however , know how to explain its elements . You don 't know what conjunctives are , or parsing , or split infinitives , but you know that you perform these actions all the time anyway . In hindsight , your learning of the language seemed to come naturally to you . There must have been dreary lessons in grammar in primary school at least . You don 't remember them . Maybe you drifted off dreaming daydreams , like any smart child should . Perhaps it was all of those years of devouring books as a child . You seemed to learn about the English language by reading . An Enid Blyton book in an afternoon . You seeped the language into your bones , from whence you then vomited out Grade 4 " put this word in a sentence " exercises where one word in one sentence stretched out into little mini stories for each word . You imagine you gave your Grade 4 teacher a few laughs reading little mini stories from an Australian child that sounded as if they were writen by a 40 year old Englishwoman . You don 't know what the drawing power is of second person present for you at the moment . Perhaps it is a way of distancing yourself from yourself . The writerly version of sitting down in an empty chair and talking to a part of yourself . Of externalising your inner child . From here , sitting across from yourself , you translate yourself into a wrtten account , and it feels good , somehow . Some days you think it is lying . Other days you think it is grace . You think that maybe this is what God does with us , somehow , writing us out in her own hand , shooting himself through all of our actions and lives and messes so that something good is made out of them at the other end . You wish , when you get up in the mornings , you could dress yourself in your words , like a veil , or a beautiful dress . Drawing attention and hiding at the same time . Sometimes yoat But firstly , the centre is colourless . Uncolour . A pinprick and a well . You swim in it and push on it until either something must give or you must get rid of all your mirrors so you 're not reminded how ugly you feel . This uncolour clouds everything so you feel like it is pointless to get your hair cut , or to look in the eyes of another . The next layer out is lime green and as you shower in your shame and cleansing you tell yourself a lime green thought of truth . Your words to yourself have so much power that they jolt you . You wonder about that . You have never been so aware before of the life and death wells at the same time . The stakes feel higher somehow . There is a creative idea , a thing , that is asking you to follow it down . Do you have the courage to follow it down ? You remind yourself that you don 't much mind if it goes out to a gentle red thread that miscarries itself out into the air . You don 't think it 's the end result so much as it is the following through and seeing something come out of you that is the thing here . It scares you , this potential to birth something . You tell yourself a lime green thought about the uncolour . It is a paradox to think that once you step onto the lime green turf that you would do anything but run away from looking back , but it is from here that you can see its truth . Not so much what it is saying to you about yourself but why it is saying it . This is the diving board , and you jump and it is yellow for a second or two . You tell yourself lime green thoughts that face away from the uncolour and it feels the way it would if you were in a large room of white tiles with the reflections from water bouncing off the walls , creating further colour , further light . The dope plant has begun budding . It is a symbol to you of the path you could take , the easier path of death . You would have many lime green thoughts here , it is true . But you know you cannot do this right now , not in this time , maybe not ever , but certainly once or twice before never occurs and you give the buds away to some fortat At the end of my working day , late yesterday afternoon , I chatted with Sonia and Agnes . We were all feeling a bit collectively depressed about being part of the human race . I had just transcribed a police interview with someone possessing child pornography . The smoke fumes from the fires - some deliberately lit - wafted into our nostrils even up on the sealed fourth floor . The smoke set an eerie strange glow to the sun 's rays . Last night , I watched the moon rising and it was blood red . Agnes suggested we press the reset button and get rid of everybody , pathetic as we are . She lamented that transcribing police interviews meant that she looked at every grandfather with his grandchildren and wondered if he was diddling his grandkiddies . I must say , cynicism loves company : ) Still , I said after a while that if there was a God , which I believed there was , then she must still love us even in our mess . We all three agreed on that . That was really nice to me . Three disparate people who all agreed that a God who existed must least be the sort of god who loves his humanity in their horrible , horrible evilness . I think that 's a good start . To cheer myself up on a day such as yesterday , which also happened to be the occasion of my erstwhile wedding anniversary , I resorted to the particularly girlie route of some retail therapy after work . But oh , an hour of shopping is the top limit for me . The unreality of the environment , the snobby sales assistants , the galleries of nubile 20 year olds . The overwhelming , overwhelming choice . I really hate shopping . I do , however , love my new skirt ( it 's orange ) . And shoes . And dress . I 'm just a bit skint now , that 's all : ) This week is a shared sort of lamentation for many of us Victorians . It 's been hard to switch off the emotions that slide through from other people . I think there is a touch of navel gazing that goes on when entire towns have disappeared from existence . It has been a bit overwhelming , a very strange week . A week where it felt like the days were flying past but when I look bat Sometimes you wonder how you don 't just go flying off to spaces of ungravity on cords of anxiety . These cords seem to be a companion of yours in these days of entering into yourself more while increasingly not knowing who the fuck you actually are . Is there any end to the complexity and the paradox ? This day is different to the other day . This day is shards , and you wonder if time hasn 't suddenly sped up once again without telling the scientists . The days go by so fast that it 's a wonder that you can actually walk on the ground without flying off , that you can do anything more than eat one meal and go to work for 30 minutes and get two hours ' sleep . Such a shame , the amount of time you must spend tuning the world out so you don 't get overwhelmed . Would you trade off certain creativities and nuances and intuitions and perceptions in place of being just a tad less sensitive ? Yes , on days like this you would , in a heartbeat . For a place in the world where you feel like you belong ? Certainly . You take comfort that one of the people you love the most understands entirely and experiences the same . You think that if you hadn 't had her in your life you just don 't know what you would have done . It would have been your tenth wedding anniversary on Friday if you weren 't such a fucked - up unit . Still , grace extends in every direction , even in yours . God doesn 't despise you anything like the way you despise yourself sometimes . This is a comfort and a golden thread to follow if you sit on the God end rather than in your own , scraping shards of pottery over yourself . Self - punishment is a luxury you tired of many moons ago . This is another version of these days . You don 't like this one quite as much as some of the others . Prime Minister Mr Rudd has likened the arsonists who lit fires in the past few days to mass murderers . When I was thinking about that , and about how angry it makes me when I think of morons deliberately lighting fires in those conditions , I got this image in my head of a suspension bridge . You know the type that have that scary sort of " give " in them so that when you walk across them it feels alarmingly unsafe ? And yet it is the very give and the bounce in the bridge that makes them safe . Maybe the " give " in a society for the bad , evil elements of it is something we don 't feel as comfortable with . It feels too permissive . It feels like we should be punishing those elements . No free lunches , right ? It will only encourage people if things are lax and they think they can get away with it . I agree with that to an extent , in a way . There 's always freeloaders who try to get away with stuff , even if they 're not going around lighting fires . But then I think , so what ? Let them . It may feel lax , but it also creates a certain sort of breathing space in a society that isn 't overburdened with laws and rules and signs , signs everywhere signs . It also gives people the breathing space to be able to see better the results of their misdeeds as they affect their experience , rather than because they have broken some law against some institution out there . Let the fields have enough left over after gleaning so that the desperate can go in the dark of night and get themselves something to eat . I would argue that any societal punishment dished out needs to have some sort of justice associated with it . Justice , not vengeance . I 'm particularly enamoured with perpetrators being made to face their victims . Just as long as the victims are not in turn allowed to funnel their anger wells out into convenient vengeance . ' Cause once you start kicking into someone and the black inferno descends - well , I imagine it would be hard to stop . The only way to put an end to violence imposed is to keep kicking them until you kill them , or forgive them and at I feel a bit numb this evening . I began writing this post unsure that it was going to be anything more than a few sentences . What can you say about such things as natural disasters ? I 've gone about my business of the past two days , with crying spells interspersed in - between long bike rides and art therapy sessions . It 's terribly sobering living in Australia when it 's flooded at one end , and has just experienced it 's worst fires ever at the other end , in my state , with 150 people burned to death and 800 houses burnt to the ground . Here in Melbourne I am shielded from it all , really . I don 't know anyone directly who has died or lost their house . I know people who know people , but that 's it . I drove to Mount Dandenong today , and the only hint of anything different were some of the things Maggie had packed in preparation for evacuation , being in a fire - prone area and only 50km and an hours ' drive away from the now - almost - extinct Kinglake . But by today , there wasn 't even a hint of smoke in the air . But still , you can feel the numbness in the air . It 's heartening to see the rallying of support of people who feels so useless and want to help . There has already been 6 million bucks donated to the appeal , and one of the relief centres near Kinglake had to actually ask people to stop bringing certain things in because they were being overwhelmed with stuff . Which is a good problem to have . They were actually asking for specific items I last heard - items like children 's underwear and dog leads . I saw footage of some of the pets who had made it on the television and I have to stop my mind from thinking of the animals who didn 't . I was listening to Radio National today . They were discussing the death of a philosopher attributed to founding the deep ecology movement . I don 't know anything about him so I won 't go into it here , but the narrator was discussing how deep ecologists tend to believe that anthropocentrism - the idea that humans are at the centre of creation - is to blame for the way the earth is being murdered . I can unat You don 't like anymore to declare , " I am now this way " or " I am now that way " , trying to tie things down underfoot . Of course you understand why you do try to tie these things down . You have been as changeable as Melbourne weather for the last several years ; of course you wanted to have happiness and contentment that rolls away in front of you like a red carpet for days and days . But all year long you have said , " I am now this way " and then you find yourself the other way in an hour or a day . Only to be this way again in another hour or day . Best to say you are everything or nothing . And anyway , you know , as soon as you try to tie down happiness and contentment and make them your own , that in the process of control you will turn them into something they never were before you caged them like a butterfly . You know that now is enough for you to handle if you are going to be more than halfway in it . You 're not entirely happy with that , but you know it . You 're joyful about it when you manage to do it . You know that sadness and depression and despondency and despair and grief are in your future , as they are in anybody 's . And just the saying and naming of those things puffs out the future , allows it to be what it is going to be without your teeth marks jagging its edges . You can say today at least that you are content . There is a gentle flow , like water over stones . A flummox of thoughts every moment through your mind , a choice of which hallway to walk down , which door to open . You stall throughout the day , dwelling , wanting what you do not have , not liking what you do , and yet also finding that you have come to a certain place of command in your mind . Perhaps it is knowing God that has brought you along to a here , a mind that can draw itself now from one room down into the cool pool , or towards the beautiful hearthfire , or the fluffy pillow of rest . And you love how it is that thinking about God , about the God of all comfort , gives health to your heart and your mind . And when you remember you stop , and you say selah . Becat Lester and I walked by the river last night , after the greater warmth of the day had passed . It was one of those days where the clouds were going crazy , multilayering themselves into shapes of dinosaurs and evil creepy things , of giants , and fairy lands . There were fluffy clouds , swirly clouds , streaked line clouds , and big clouds with a bit of water in them judging by their greyness , interspersed with smaller white fluffy ones which the sun was flirting around the edges with . It was a fine evening for cloud picture making , that 's for sure . I smoothed the bark of a ghost gum , in my hippy prayerdom , praying about today , another day of extreme temperatures ( 44C / 111F ) and wind gusts that foretell bushfires before the day is out . And I prayed , smoothing the multi - coloured bark , that as many of this tree 's brethren as possible would still be standing by afternoon 's end , when the cool change rolls in . There is a certain level of anxiety on days like this , when everything is tinder dry . It is not something to get used to , even while living all my life in such conditions . I am reminded of Ash Wednesday 1983 . I remember exactly where I was at the time when the ash from the worst bushies since 1939 came rolling into Melbourne . Mum and I were out in the waves at Mentone beach , enjoying the bounce . Dad was on the shore , waving . That was strange . Not given to bouts of expression , my father was standing on the shore waving at us . To come in , that is . By the time we got home , the windows which had been left partially open had brought in with them a fine layer of ash from the fires that killed 71 people that day . The ash covered everything . Me , I 'm inside , insulated against the hot winds that will make me sick if I go out into them . I have barricaded myself inside the lounge room , with paper , pencils , paint and brushes . I have it easy today . I think of those fighting fires ( the one that 's broken its containment lines near the Bunyip State Forest ) . I can 't help thinking of the animals and the habitations that might be lost . I am stilat If the Golden Rule were generally observed among us , the economy would not last a week . We have made our false economy a false god , and it has made blasphemy of the truth . So I have met the economy in the road , and am expected to yield it right of way . But I will not get over . My reason is that I am a man , and have a better right to the ground than the economy . The economy is no god for me , for I have had too close a look at its wheels . I have seen it at work in the strip mines and coal camps of Kentucky , and I know that it has no moral limits . It has emptied the country of the independent and the proud , and has crowded the cities with the dependent and the abject . It has always sacrificed the small to the large , the personal to the impersonal , the good to the cheap . It has ridden questionable triumphs over the bodies of small farmers and tradesmen and craftsmen . I see it , still , driving my neighbors off their farms into the factories . I see it teaching my students to give themselves a price before they can give themselves a value . Its principle is to waste and destroy the living substance of the world and the birthright of posterity for a monetary profit that is the most flimsy and useless of human artifacts . ~ Wendell BerryI take heart from people like Wendell Berry . For every made - stupid person who can 't see out of the matrix , or doesn 't want to , the brave ones fill me with hope 100 times more . For every person who calls the emperor out on the fact that his bum cheeks are hanging out , I have hope , and I feel safer . Meanwhile , Western governments continue to bail water out of the economic boat by . . . spending more money . Which is the shape of the pool they 're in , and they can 't do much else . The Rudd government plans on giving me 900 bucks in a few weeks ' time . It 's to stimulate the economy . What will happen is that most people will go and buy something made in Taiwan or , like me ( hopefully , in theory ) , they will use the money to pay bills , like I will to pay my car rego . ( In theory . In practice , I might dip in heat Sometimes I get little glimpses and remembrances of how life felt to me as a child , how I perceived it from inside myself . I was thinking the other day about my silly childish propensity to name inanimate objects and wondering , is this the consumerist , gooberly , boring adult version of what went on in my head as a child when , my mother saying in exasperation , " You 're as slow as a wet week " would lead me to envisage the wet weak as being like . . . oh , I don 't know , a giant slug or something ? The wet weak was a character in my head , something I created . I like to imagine s / he shared a house with dirty deeds and the dunder cheep . There are many ways to live in whimsy and wonderment , even though I know the words and can 't be flabbergasted too often anymore by phraseal misconceptions ( although I still enjoy fluffing especially delectable phrases around inside my mouth , tasting them ) . Naming my mass - produced items is one of them , but I think I need entire human characters , that 's what I need . But they won 't come . They fart themselves out in my head into a scenario and then stop . I get these scenarios in my head often . Hey , that would be an interesting story . A person who works overnight in a bakery as a delivery person . Hey , that 's an interesting trajectory , a person going from this point to this point . But then they just all fly away on the wind . I have not been to my writers ' group for months and months . For several months it was because I felt w - a - y too fragile to do such a thing . Plus I didn 't have anything I 'd written to share . Now , I feel only a tiny bit too fragile , the garden variety fragility that is required if you are to be vulnerable and let things in , but I still don 't have anything to share . Perhaps I need to write a story about the dunder cheep and the wet weak . How frustrating this creative life is when it 's not happening for you . I have a slab of clay sitting in the playroom , dried out once and probably dried out again by now , a sculpture in progress , a good idea , one that got me excited . But it 's been thrat I was accused , along with the heretical Kent , of being an offspring of Satan on a forum a few days ago : ) So beware , any who read here . I will try to lure you away to the dark side , from where God shall have no option or creative licence but to send you all to hell , forever and ever . What seems funny to me these days is how irritated and upset I used to get at such comments previously . Maybe because I wasn 't sure if they weren 't right ? Because whenever people would flame - throw me , in God - related areas , it would so easily throw me into the giant vat of shame that lived inside me . If someone made accusations about my character and using God to proof - text that , I would crumble and fall because hey , they were right , right ? Well , I suppose they were in one way . But they can 't touch me that way anymore . That 's the miracle . I guess the problem is that most often the sort of person who flame throws in this way has hundreds of scriptures to back themselves up , and their righteous , wall - watching anger , their holy desire to purge from the ranks of Christianity the defiling agents to fuel them along . And while I can understand how they can see that in scripture , I just don 't identify that way of looking at things any more with God I have come to experience in my own mind and heart and body . There are many other ditches for me to fall in , but the " turn yourself into a hate - filled hypocritical moron in the process of upholding God 's integrity " is not one that lures me in any more . I still get irritated at people in those situations . ' Cause really , some of the ugliest people in the world are Christians who are convinced they are right , who are convinced that they are God 's elect , on God 's holy road , being the mouthpiece of God 's righteous requirements , the grace - filled beauties through which he shall impart to wayward believers the way back onto the narrow path . That sort of person still irritates me , sure . But somehow , along the way , this big wall of anger and defensiveness is being dismantled brick by brick . It 's a scary sort of diat Where I live is a particularly multicultural suburb . Many people from many different countries live around here and as I walk past them in the streets , with my dog , probably 75 % of those people who are identifiably Asian or African give the dog a wide , wide berth . Occasionally , it annoys me . Occasionally I take it personally , wondering just how stupid they think I am that I would walk a rabid , mangy psycho that 's going to bite them as I pass . But much of life is not rational . And much of it is seemingly irrational on the surface until you pay it some mind . Yesterday I listened to the owner of Kidslink talk about the Mozambique trip they are taking once again in July this year * . He cautioned against touching any of the animals there because they are so often diseased that it is really not worth the risk of patting a dog and contracting something life - threatening in the process . When I was walking my dog today two young African women walked past me . One was chatting on her phone , oblivious , speaking French . The other walked such a wide berth around Lester that she walked on the road to get past . Further behind , an Asian man gave a rather less wide berth while an African man walked past , looked at me for a fleeting second and then his eyes dropped to the ground . And I thought , I am privileged enough that I can get irritated at people that they think my dog is going to bite them . I am privileged to own a dog as a pet , companionship . My dog is immunised every year . The changes of him contracting anything to pass on to anyone is entirely minimal . I am so privileged that I can entertain the notion of irritation towards people , presuming that their reactions are based on irrational fears rather than on very sound berths , ingrained in many of them from birth , because to go near an animal where they grew up could be the difference between life and great illness , or even life and death . I am so privileged that I am in a position of irritation . + + + + + + + + + + + * I am not so sure that this will be a trip I will take this year . Apart fromat I suppose it 's not surprising that most newspapers are heading to tabloid status . Not that I read them any more , unless I 'm at my parents and I can pick up the Herald Sun for a bit of easy potshot criticism . At best I probably read a story or two online every day . The weather was taking my interest last week and so I was doing a lot of online newspaper reading then . In my readings I noted a lot of use of overblown words like " chaos " to describe what went on last week . Really ? Was it really chaos that people were stranded places and took hours to get home , etc ? I would say it was extreme disruption and a very uncomfortable week indeed . It would have been chaos if an earthquake was going on , or if a crazed gunman had rampaged the city at the same time . To describe last week as " chaos " is just patently stupid when everywhere , I saw calm and in control people who were hot and irritated and a bit bothered by public transport " meltdowns " . It was sad to note that quite a few people died . That was sad , and honestly , it was a yukky week , but it wasn 't anything near chaotic . Chaotic would be if we were beginning to starve to death . ( Edit / aside : okay , so the title of my last post was Hell in Melbourne Town . So I 'm a hypocrite . Tell me something I don 't already know : ) Another overblown story was the one about Michael Phelps , the Olympic gold medallist in something or other , who I see has been caught with his mouth impaled on a bong . Here is how the Times Online described it : A mixture of shock and disbelief swept the United States yesterday as the nation woke up to an abject apology from the man it had hailed as its greatest Olympic athlete . Michael Phelps was a hero and role model for millions but now his career will be stained forever by claims that he smoked drugs . Really ? Shock and disbelief ? On what sort of a scale ? A chaotic sort of a scale , as represented here , in another overblown article about the fall of a vaunted sports superstar ? Were people taken to hospital because their illusions were dissed that someone who is riat
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Discipline is the other side of discipleship . Discipleship without discipline is like waiting to run in the marathon without ever practicing . Discipline without discipleship is like always practicing for the marathon but never participating . It is important , however , to realize that discipline in the spiritual life is not the same as discipline in sports . Discipline in sports is the concentrated effort to master the body so that it can obey the mind better . Discipline in the spiritual life is the concentrated effort to create the space and time where God can become our master and where we can respond freely to God 's guidance . Henri Nouwen , from Bread for the Journey ( HT to Mike @ The Mercy Blog ) I was reading over at Onehouse 's blog a quote by Cynthia Bourgeault which said that the word ' perfect ' , in the language of Christ 's time , meant " whole , truly and fully alive . " Be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect . Makes much more sense reading it this way than the other way , which creates really ugly people sending large portions of themselves out into the wilderness , where they create larger havoc than they would have if their owners were looking . It sounds strange , but I am just loving the comfort I have discovered living with a God who knows me and the darkest parts of myself and honours me anyway . It was never the whiplash that has changed anything about me for the better . I love the way scripture has so many seemingly disparate verses , so we trip up on them like giant tree roots , grrr . I must say , life is difficult enough without biblical misinterpretations thrown into the mix . Methinks reading from 2000 year old manuscripts written in totally different cultures , times , and languages is a tiring process . It is good to get that particular verse about " be ye perfect " cleared up in my head . I 've given up the strive , I guess , to a reasonable extent . It comes rushing in like bushfire winds at times , threatening to overwhelm me . But I am beginning to recognise it a bit clearer , a bit faster , and to turn my face away likat It is the weekend . There are , however , several things threatening your fulsome immersion in said weekend . Thoughts about such things follows thusly in no particular order : 1 . You are feeling a little under the weather . You get grumpy and stressed when you 're not feeling well . Anti - dizziness medication is a good thing and you thank God for it . But it does , however , make you feel a tad drowsy . Which is probably good in a way because the drowsiness makes you feel sort of nice and groggy and then you stop being grumpy and stressed about not feeling well . And so your weekend is beginning to shape up in a certain way . You are thinking you should take the opportunity of having a geared - down weekend with no bicycleish gearing up by surrounding yourself with paints and pencils and pens and paper and clay and stuff . You are happy your mate John gave you his old digital set - top box so you can watch digital TV channels on a clear picture . Drowsiness will be aided greatly by bouts of television watching and accepting these days for what they are , instead of thinking about what they could be , which is surely a pointless useless enterprise . You are , after all , grateful that even though this weekend is what it is looking like , at least you 're not rolling around in great balls of grief wanting to be dead . Which is a good comparison . You think that comparisons are good when they flow in that direction , but not so good when they flow in the opposite direction . 2 . This is the opposite direction that you are struggling with . Your ex and his girlfriend are off for a weekend of music festivals and massages to celebrate their first anniversary . You are happy for them . You truly are . You are also really quite jealous in a way . Not of them personally as such - you do believe that things are as they should be . But of them being in lurve and the feeling of mutual attraction and just how lovely that whole thing is ( even though you feel cynically jaded enough to tiredly yawn how it doesn 't last . Oh , bitter old woman you are ) . But yes , you are jat There are four kittens after all , I discovered today . God knows there 's enough noise going on under my house for there to be four , bangings and thumpings . I don 't know what they 're doing under there , but it sounds fun . I like how they run in monochrome from black , to darker tabby , to light tabby . They are very pretty pusses , are they not ? I am glad to see they are all still here after all , while a bit bewildered at the same time , but you know , what am I gonna do , not feed them ? Well , I did forget to feed them last night . I was feeling ill after an aborted bike ride . I guess eating McDonald 's before riding , on top of just getting your period , is a bit of a recipe for dizziness and nausea and riding disaster . Bummer : ( Managed to get in 15 minutes in the You Yangs before being sidelined . I don 't handle physical things stopping me from doing what I want very well , even after all those years of practice . Today , I still feel dizzy around the edges . I really need to get my ears checked out . I think the insect - in - the - ear scenario has done something to my balance and made the whole thing worse . As a result of not feeding the kittens last night , they were hungry today and I 've managed to get these shots from out the playroom window . They are getting a bit less wary , I have to say . Might have them purring on the couch come winter yet ; ) Okay . That 's stopped the blokes from reading : ) I have a question for you women who aren 't using birth control . Just wondering how many of you have your little friend visiting at the moment : ) My art therapist told me that most women get their periods when the moon is in its waning period , or when it 's a new moon . Which is kinda cool , because then it means that when the moon is full and the earth is silvery , we are all ovulating and feeling sexy : ) Discuss ? Been thinking a bit this week about how different we all are , how differently we see things , and that ultimately it doesn 't matter what you do , people will think what they choose to think about you and there 's really not all that much you can do about it . I guess I 'm beginning the return to my old self because that concept is one I can sit easier with the last few weeks . It 's freaked me out over the last few years , when so much inner subconscious awful stuff has been blowin ' free in the wind for everyone to see ( or so it feels ) . I think I 'm sitting easier with that idea because I have felt for so long that the umbrella for my soul , the part of me that is confident and feisty , has sort of gone for a long nap . My old self contains this dualistic ultra - sensitive child who is scared of so much , and her much older and bigger confident persona , who shields her . It 's been a difficult ride to start uncovering that shyer child . She is the one who creates . Especially difficult when the other part of my soul had it 's umbrella bashed in and ripped up and out of action . How hard it is becoming myself : ( Yesterday , I weighed up the desire to go to the pub by myself to watch my team play its game on cable , versus the discomfort of doing such a thing . I 'm happy to say that I went . I sat amongst a couple of groups of men , young and old . This was a little bit uncomfortable but nothing I couldn 't ride , I guess . I read my book in between quarters ( I figured I already looked like a social weirdo / really independent person / someone there to pick up a quick root / loser with no mates , depending on how you view such things ; reading by myself in the pub was the logical next step . And anyway , it 's not like I actually wanted to speak with anyone there . Must take these sorts of things slowly . Anyway , it is a misconception that watching football is a social activity for everybody : ) Worldviews . Funny how different we are , as people . I guess some sort of maturity is a willingness to muster understanding and compassion and as much grace for each otheat While the dog is away the owner will play - or try to - with cats : ) The wild kittens cohabiiting between my house and next door have reduced in number to two . Two very pretty little long - haired pusses . Two nights ago , I sat outside with a box of dry food and threw it a few feet away from me and then sat there as the two kittehs came out tentatively from under the house . I rubbed some of the dry food between my hands before I threw it . They were wary indeed . But they ate , looking over their shoulders at any sharp movement from me , ready to run . Later that night , I sat outside on the step , in the ring cast from the front door light . I had heard one of the kittens mewing , as I can hear it today also . As I sat on the step , the lighter coloured tabby came from around the corner after hearing its brother or sister 's call . The other kitten is the same colouring but with a darker face . So cute . As I sat very quietly on the step , both kittens passed me in their travels . The lighter coloured one even stopped directly in front of me , sitting down four feet away and curling it 's tail neatly around the bottom of it 's feet , in the tidy way of felines . I have visions of the kittens and the cat and the dog and me all sleeping together on my bed : ) That doesn 't mean it 's gonna be happening : ) Last night I went outside with a tin of food . As I was mushing it out into the bowl , I felt a warm , softness brush past me . And there she was . The mother cat . I haven 't seen her for over a month . She was skinny . I think she has been lying low , letting her leg mend . She was so hungry that this petite - sized puss with the grey and white markings ate three quarters of a tin of cat food . She hissed at one of the kittens , who was trying to make an approach . I wondered if perhaps these kittens weren 't hers after all . Would a mother hiss that way at her own kittens ? But then , these kittens are probably three or four months old now . Old enough perhaps to make their own way . I don 't know . I wouldn 't know about the lifestyles of almost - wild cats . And this at Soul knowledge sends you in the opposite direction from consumerism . It 's not addition that makes one holy but subtraction : stripping the illusions , letting go of the pretense , exposing the false self , breaking open the heart and the understanding , not taking my private self too seriously . In a certain sense we are on the utterly wrong track . We are climbing while Jesus is descending , and I think in that we reflect the pride and the arrogance of Western civilization , always trying to accomplish , perform and achieve . We transferred all that to Christianity and became spiritual consumers . The ego is still in charge . When the self takes itself that seriously , there 's no room left for God . All we can really do is get ourselves out of the way , and we can 't even do that . Richard Rohr , Radical Grace : Daily Meditations , p . 46 , day 49I have spent the evening sorting and filing my writing - related stuff . This is a pretty big deal . I have not filed my writing stuff properly for , like , five years . I literally had a massive pile containing ripped - out articles from newspapers dating to 2004 . The old - paper mustiness has given me a cloggy head . Despite the clog , it 's been fun going through all of these papers . There was a massive pile of printed - out how - to articles from the net , most of which I have ditched . These are from my CFS years , when reading stuff online exhausted me so very quickly that I couldn 't stay online for longer than half an hour without needing to get up and have a break . Those were the days . And so I printed stuff out to read later , reams and reams and reams of which is now being incarnated into paper to write morning pages on . I have no need to keep most of these " how - to " articles anymore . So much of it seems almost basic knowledge now in some ways . I don 't want the list of rules and regulations . I want to learn by writing . The most interesting things I filed were the tons and tons of stories I have begun , containing a page , half a page . Most of them were pretty okay . First draft sort of stuff but still - at I 've come across competitions from time to time for short - short stories . Say , 250 words . A difficult task , but perhaps I shall try my hand at one . For me , poetry is like a short story . My poetry writing mojo returned the other day , while driving on the way home from a friend 's place . It involved scrambling to find some paper to write on ( note to self : put notebook back in bag . Alternatively , have empty envelopes floating around in bag to write on ) . I stopped twice on the way home , on a 15 minute car ride , because when the poem vomits itself out into your head , you have to write it down or it goes . I think a 250 word short story is more difficult . I can " cheat " with poetry . It flops itself up onto the shore of my mind pretty much fully - formed , and all I have to do is tinker with it . I get ideas for short stories in the same way . A phrase or a thought or a scene will present itself to me . The last year or two , that 's about all that happens before it gives a few breaths and dies . Still , I harbour hope that such things will not continue indefinitely : ) I think it would be an easier thing to write a short short short short story . Hemingway demonstrated that even a six - word story can contain poignancy : " For sale : baby shoes . Never used . " My son - in - law , Alan , says in his book , Journey into Christ , ' Our identity is hidden , even from ourselves . . . The doctrine that we are made after the image of God proclaims that the human being is fundamentally a mystery , a free spirit . The creative artist is one who carries within him the wound of transcendence . He is the sign that human beings are more than they are . ' . . . A real problem for most of us is that this ' more than we think we are ' is not necessarily recognized as good . It is difficult for most of us to recognize , accept , and affirm those large areas of ourselves which are not compatible with the image of ourselves we would like to project or which the world has taught us we ought to project . Jesus was very clear about these projections , referring to those who projected them as ' whited sepulchres , ' clean and white without , and full of dead bones and decay within . Madeleine L ' Engle - Walking on Water : Reflections on Faith and ArtA favourite saying is , " God helps those who help themselves . " I think the phrase can be understood correctly , but in most practical situations it is pure heresy . Scripture clearly says God helps those who trust in God , not those who help themselves . We need to be told that so strongly because of our entire " do it yourself " orientation . As educated people , as Americans , our orientation is to do it . It takes applying the brakes , turning off our own power and allowing Another . What the lordship of Jesus means is that first we come to him , first we put things into his hands . Our doing must proceed from our being . Our being is " hidden with Christ in God " ( Colossians 3 : 3 ) . Richard Rohr , from Radical Grace : Daily Meditations , p . 77I have been pondering this idea all day today , gleaning its comfort . I have become so much more aware in the last year or two how deep I go . How much there is in me that is just patently impossible for me to know . Like Paul , I am frustrated at the depths to which I do that which I do not want to do , and do not do that which I do want to . Thinking about this todayat On my way to work today I had to stop in at Victoria Police to be police checked and fingerprinted as part of my job transcribing interviews for the Victoria Police . Does anyone else find this just a tad . . . well , paranoid ? A bit heavyhanded , maybe ? How dull and dreary and insufferably boring it is living in this country . Provincial , bland and sterile . Overly ridiculously safe . There were lots of people in there getting police checks for their various jobs . I can understand their necessity for some jobs . Probably a good idea to have a police check if you 're working with children . But sheesh . The government 's tentacles just seem to stretch out a bit further all the time , unless they 're lopped off every now and then . I was going to miss my standard 11 past 11 frequency tuning in this morning as I wouldn 't be at home near the computer to see . It is amazing how many times each week I do notice , though , morning and night . But today , it wouldn 't happen because I 'd be out . I wasn 't even thinking about it . Until the train pulled into Southern Cross Station and I saw it up there on the television screen . Arrival time : 11 : 11 . Something is jiving with me . Seriously : ) I have had a leave of absence for the past three semesters from uni . I figured art therapy and uni were too much to do at that point in time - my doing - things threshold was pretty low . Problem is , it will be time to pick my degree up again in July and . . . well , I can 't say I 'm all that enthused about it , to be honest . Which is patently silly and pointless thinking , because I have 1 / 4 of my degree to go , and I have done 18 subjects over 400 , 000 years , and to throw it in now would be something I would suspect borders the realms of stupid self - sabotage . It would defy logic . Well , except for the logic that I really don 't like my university - their motives are clear , their love for the bottom line and for equipping their students to go out and earn as much cash as possible blatant and frankly it just makes me feel old and idealistic and stupid to think that universities should be something devoted to higher learning as opposed to churning out cookie - cutter job marketeers . But what place idealism in these times except for around the fringes ? I wish I had been around in the heady days of Gough Whitlamia when university education was free and the Arts revered . I am tempted to let my degree lapse , to apply next year to Deakin , the university at which I began my degree . Deakin offers philosophy subjects ; I have in fact already completed two of them . They also offer offline studying options which are also appealing . Maybe it 's good that universities are economically rationalised to within an inch of their lives . Herds the money - focussed elements into one large pen while the people on the outskirts can ply their wares and knowledge and practice with each other in peace . It never ceases to amaze me the amount of people out there who are generous with their time and knowledge when it comes to sharing their passions . I saw it yesterday in the chat I had with the man who designed the sensory garden at the Royal Talbot Hospital . I was there on an artist date of sorts , garnering ideas for this art space that has impaled itself in my at You have become conscious of your preference for second person present tense lately . You had to look up second person present to see if it was what you meant . You have a good , confident command of the English language . You don 't , however , know how to explain its elements . You don 't know what conjunctives are , or parsing , or split infinitives , but you know that you perform these actions all the time anyway . In hindsight , your learning of the language seemed to come naturally to you . There must have been dreary lessons in grammar in primary school at least . You don 't remember them . Maybe you drifted off dreaming daydreams , like any smart child should . Perhaps it was all of those years of devouring books as a child . You seemed to learn about the English language by reading . An Enid Blyton book in an afternoon . You seeped the language into your bones , from whence you then vomited out Grade 4 " put this word in a sentence " exercises where one word in one sentence stretched out into little mini stories for each word . You imagine you gave your Grade 4 teacher a few laughs reading little mini stories from an Australian child that sounded as if they were writen by a 40 year old Englishwoman . You don 't know what the drawing power is of second person present for you at the moment . Perhaps it is a way of distancing yourself from yourself . The writerly version of sitting down in an empty chair and talking to a part of yourself . Of externalising your inner child . From here , sitting across from yourself , you translate yourself into a wrtten account , and it feels good , somehow . Some days you think it is lying . Other days you think it is grace . You think that maybe this is what God does with us , somehow , writing us out in her own hand , shooting himself through all of our actions and lives and messes so that something good is made out of them at the other end . You wish , when you get up in the mornings , you could dress yourself in your words , like a veil , or a beautiful dress . Drawing attention and hiding at the same time . Sometimes yoat But firstly , the centre is colourless . Uncolour . A pinprick and a well . You swim in it and push on it until either something must give or you must get rid of all your mirrors so you 're not reminded how ugly you feel . This uncolour clouds everything so you feel like it is pointless to get your hair cut , or to look in the eyes of another . The next layer out is lime green and as you shower in your shame and cleansing you tell yourself a lime green thought of truth . Your words to yourself have so much power that they jolt you . You wonder about that . You have never been so aware before of the life and death wells at the same time . The stakes feel higher somehow . There is a creative idea , a thing , that is asking you to follow it down . Do you have the courage to follow it down ? You remind yourself that you don 't much mind if it goes out to a gentle red thread that miscarries itself out into the air . You don 't think it 's the end result so much as it is the following through and seeing something come out of you that is the thing here . It scares you , this potential to birth something . You tell yourself a lime green thought about the uncolour . It is a paradox to think that once you step onto the lime green turf that you would do anything but run away from looking back , but it is from here that you can see its truth . Not so much what it is saying to you about yourself but why it is saying it . This is the diving board , and you jump and it is yellow for a second or two . You tell yourself lime green thoughts that face away from the uncolour and it feels the way it would if you were in a large room of white tiles with the reflections from water bouncing off the walls , creating further colour , further light . The dope plant has begun budding . It is a symbol to you of the path you could take , the easier path of death . You would have many lime green thoughts here , it is true . But you know you cannot do this right now , not in this time , maybe not ever , but certainly once or twice before never occurs and you give the buds away to some fortat At the end of my working day , late yesterday afternoon , I chatted with Sonia and Agnes . We were all feeling a bit collectively depressed about being part of the human race . I had just transcribed a police interview with someone possessing child pornography . The smoke fumes from the fires - some deliberately lit - wafted into our nostrils even up on the sealed fourth floor . The smoke set an eerie strange glow to the sun 's rays . Last night , I watched the moon rising and it was blood red . Agnes suggested we press the reset button and get rid of everybody , pathetic as we are . She lamented that transcribing police interviews meant that she looked at every grandfather with his grandchildren and wondered if he was diddling his grandkiddies . I must say , cynicism loves company : ) Still , I said after a while that if there was a God , which I believed there was , then she must still love us even in our mess . We all three agreed on that . That was really nice to me . Three disparate people who all agreed that a God who existed must least be the sort of god who loves his humanity in their horrible , horrible evilness . I think that 's a good start . To cheer myself up on a day such as yesterday , which also happened to be the occasion of my erstwhile wedding anniversary , I resorted to the particularly girlie route of some retail therapy after work . But oh , an hour of shopping is the top limit for me . The unreality of the environment , the snobby sales assistants , the galleries of nubile 20 year olds . The overwhelming , overwhelming choice . I really hate shopping . I do , however , love my new skirt ( it 's orange ) . And shoes . And dress . I 'm just a bit skint now , that 's all : ) This week is a shared sort of lamentation for many of us Victorians . It 's been hard to switch off the emotions that slide through from other people . I think there is a touch of navel gazing that goes on when entire towns have disappeared from existence . It has been a bit overwhelming , a very strange week . A week where it felt like the days were flying past but when I look bat Sometimes you wonder how you don 't just go flying off to spaces of ungravity on cords of anxiety . These cords seem to be a companion of yours in these days of entering into yourself more while increasingly not knowing who the fuck you actually are . Is there any end to the complexity and the paradox ? This day is different to the other day . This day is shards , and you wonder if time hasn 't suddenly sped up once again without telling the scientists . The days go by so fast that it 's a wonder that you can actually walk on the ground without flying off , that you can do anything more than eat one meal and go to work for 30 minutes and get two hours ' sleep . Such a shame , the amount of time you must spend tuning the world out so you don 't get overwhelmed . Would you trade off certain creativities and nuances and intuitions and perceptions in place of being just a tad less sensitive ? Yes , on days like this you would , in a heartbeat . For a place in the world where you feel like you belong ? Certainly . You take comfort that one of the people you love the most understands entirely and experiences the same . You think that if you hadn 't had her in your life you just don 't know what you would have done . It would have been your tenth wedding anniversary on Friday if you weren 't such a fucked - up unit . Still , grace extends in every direction , even in yours . God doesn 't despise you anything like the way you despise yourself sometimes . This is a comfort and a golden thread to follow if you sit on the God end rather than in your own , scraping shards of pottery over yourself . Self - punishment is a luxury you tired of many moons ago . This is another version of these days . You don 't like this one quite as much as some of the others . Prime Minister Mr Rudd has likened the arsonists who lit fires in the past few days to mass murderers . When I was thinking about that , and about how angry it makes me when I think of morons deliberately lighting fires in those conditions , I got this image in my head of a suspension bridge . You know the type that have that scary sort of " give " in them so that when you walk across them it feels alarmingly unsafe ? And yet it is the very give and the bounce in the bridge that makes them safe . Maybe the " give " in a society for the bad , evil elements of it is something we don 't feel as comfortable with . It feels too permissive . It feels like we should be punishing those elements . No free lunches , right ? It will only encourage people if things are lax and they think they can get away with it . I agree with that to an extent , in a way . There 's always freeloaders who try to get away with stuff , even if they 're not going around lighting fires . But then I think , so what ? Let them . It may feel lax , but it also creates a certain sort of breathing space in a society that isn 't overburdened with laws and rules and signs , signs everywhere signs . It also gives people the breathing space to be able to see better the results of their misdeeds as they affect their experience , rather than because they have broken some law against some institution out there . Let the fields have enough left over after gleaning so that the desperate can go in the dark of night and get themselves something to eat . I would argue that any societal punishment dished out needs to have some sort of justice associated with it . Justice , not vengeance . I 'm particularly enamoured with perpetrators being made to face their victims . Just as long as the victims are not in turn allowed to funnel their anger wells out into convenient vengeance . ' Cause once you start kicking into someone and the black inferno descends - well , I imagine it would be hard to stop . The only way to put an end to violence imposed is to keep kicking them until you kill them , or forgive them and at I feel a bit numb this evening . I began writing this post unsure that it was going to be anything more than a few sentences . What can you say about such things as natural disasters ? I 've gone about my business of the past two days , with crying spells interspersed in - between long bike rides and art therapy sessions . It 's terribly sobering living in Australia when it 's flooded at one end , and has just experienced it 's worst fires ever at the other end , in my state , with 150 people burned to death and 800 houses burnt to the ground . Here in Melbourne I am shielded from it all , really . I don 't know anyone directly who has died or lost their house . I know people who know people , but that 's it . I drove to Mount Dandenong today , and the only hint of anything different were some of the things Maggie had packed in preparation for evacuation , being in a fire - prone area and only 50km and an hours ' drive away from the now - almost - extinct Kinglake . But by today , there wasn 't even a hint of smoke in the air . But still , you can feel the numbness in the air . It 's heartening to see the rallying of support of people who feels so useless and want to help . There has already been 6 million bucks donated to the appeal , and one of the relief centres near Kinglake had to actually ask people to stop bringing certain things in because they were being overwhelmed with stuff . Which is a good problem to have . They were actually asking for specific items I last heard - items like children 's underwear and dog leads . I saw footage of some of the pets who had made it on the television and I have to stop my mind from thinking of the animals who didn 't . I was listening to Radio National today . They were discussing the death of a philosopher attributed to founding the deep ecology movement . I don 't know anything about him so I won 't go into it here , but the narrator was discussing how deep ecologists tend to believe that anthropocentrism - the idea that humans are at the centre of creation - is to blame for the way the earth is being murdered . I can unat You don 't like anymore to declare , " I am now this way " or " I am now that way " , trying to tie things down underfoot . Of course you understand why you do try to tie these things down . You have been as changeable as Melbourne weather for the last several years ; of course you wanted to have happiness and contentment that rolls away in front of you like a red carpet for days and days . But all year long you have said , " I am now this way " and then you find yourself the other way in an hour or a day . Only to be this way again in another hour or day . Best to say you are everything or nothing . And anyway , you know , as soon as you try to tie down happiness and contentment and make them your own , that in the process of control you will turn them into something they never were before you caged them like a butterfly . You know that now is enough for you to handle if you are going to be more than halfway in it . You 're not entirely happy with that , but you know it . You 're joyful about it when you manage to do it . You know that sadness and depression and despondency and despair and grief are in your future , as they are in anybody 's . And just the saying and naming of those things puffs out the future , allows it to be what it is going to be without your teeth marks jagging its edges . You can say today at least that you are content . There is a gentle flow , like water over stones . A flummox of thoughts every moment through your mind , a choice of which hallway to walk down , which door to open . You stall throughout the day , dwelling , wanting what you do not have , not liking what you do , and yet also finding that you have come to a certain place of command in your mind . Perhaps it is knowing God that has brought you along to a here , a mind that can draw itself now from one room down into the cool pool , or towards the beautiful hearthfire , or the fluffy pillow of rest . And you love how it is that thinking about God , about the God of all comfort , gives health to your heart and your mind . And when you remember you stop , and you say selah . Becat Lester and I walked by the river last night , after the greater warmth of the day had passed . It was one of those days where the clouds were going crazy , multilayering themselves into shapes of dinosaurs and evil creepy things , of giants , and fairy lands . There were fluffy clouds , swirly clouds , streaked line clouds , and big clouds with a bit of water in them judging by their greyness , interspersed with smaller white fluffy ones which the sun was flirting around the edges with . It was a fine evening for cloud picture making , that 's for sure . I smoothed the bark of a ghost gum , in my hippy prayerdom , praying about today , another day of extreme temperatures ( 44C / 111F ) and wind gusts that foretell bushfires before the day is out . And I prayed , smoothing the multi - coloured bark , that as many of this tree 's brethren as possible would still be standing by afternoon 's end , when the cool change rolls in . There is a certain level of anxiety on days like this , when everything is tinder dry . It is not something to get used to , even while living all my life in such conditions . I am reminded of Ash Wednesday 1983 . I remember exactly where I was at the time when the ash from the worst bushies since 1939 came rolling into Melbourne . Mum and I were out in the waves at Mentone beach , enjoying the bounce . Dad was on the shore , waving . That was strange . Not given to bouts of expression , my father was standing on the shore waving at us . To come in , that is . By the time we got home , the windows which had been left partially open had brought in with them a fine layer of ash from the fires that killed 71 people that day . The ash covered everything . Me , I 'm inside , insulated against the hot winds that will make me sick if I go out into them . I have barricaded myself inside the lounge room , with paper , pencils , paint and brushes . I have it easy today . I think of those fighting fires ( the one that 's broken its containment lines near the Bunyip State Forest ) . I can 't help thinking of the animals and the habitations that might be lost . I am stilat If the Golden Rule were generally observed among us , the economy would not last a week . We have made our false economy a false god , and it has made blasphemy of the truth . So I have met the economy in the road , and am expected to yield it right of way . But I will not get over . My reason is that I am a man , and have a better right to the ground than the economy . The economy is no god for me , for I have had too close a look at its wheels . I have seen it at work in the strip mines and coal camps of Kentucky , and I know that it has no moral limits . It has emptied the country of the independent and the proud , and has crowded the cities with the dependent and the abject . It has always sacrificed the small to the large , the personal to the impersonal , the good to the cheap . It has ridden questionable triumphs over the bodies of small farmers and tradesmen and craftsmen . I see it , still , driving my neighbors off their farms into the factories . I see it teaching my students to give themselves a price before they can give themselves a value . Its principle is to waste and destroy the living substance of the world and the birthright of posterity for a monetary profit that is the most flimsy and useless of human artifacts . ~ Wendell BerryI take heart from people like Wendell Berry . For every made - stupid person who can 't see out of the matrix , or doesn 't want to , the brave ones fill me with hope 100 times more . For every person who calls the emperor out on the fact that his bum cheeks are hanging out , I have hope , and I feel safer . Meanwhile , Western governments continue to bail water out of the economic boat by . . . spending more money . Which is the shape of the pool they 're in , and they can 't do much else . The Rudd government plans on giving me 900 bucks in a few weeks ' time . It 's to stimulate the economy . What will happen is that most people will go and buy something made in Taiwan or , like me ( hopefully , in theory ) , they will use the money to pay bills , like I will to pay my car rego . ( In theory . In practice , I might dip in heat Sometimes I get little glimpses and remembrances of how life felt to me as a child , how I perceived it from inside myself . I was thinking the other day about my silly childish propensity to name inanimate objects and wondering , is this the consumerist , gooberly , boring adult version of what went on in my head as a child when , my mother saying in exasperation , " You 're as slow as a wet week " would lead me to envisage the wet weak as being like . . . oh , I don 't know , a giant slug or something ? The wet weak was a character in my head , something I created . I like to imagine s / he shared a house with dirty deeds and the dunder cheep . There are many ways to live in whimsy and wonderment , even though I know the words and can 't be flabbergasted too often anymore by phraseal misconceptions ( although I still enjoy fluffing especially delectable phrases around inside my mouth , tasting them ) . Naming my mass - produced items is one of them , but I think I need entire human characters , that 's what I need . But they won 't come . They fart themselves out in my head into a scenario and then stop . I get these scenarios in my head often . Hey , that would be an interesting story . A person who works overnight in a bakery as a delivery person . Hey , that 's an interesting trajectory , a person going from this point to this point . But then they just all fly away on the wind . I have not been to my writers ' group for months and months . For several months it was because I felt w - a - y too fragile to do such a thing . Plus I didn 't have anything I 'd written to share . Now , I feel only a tiny bit too fragile , the garden variety fragility that is required if you are to be vulnerable and let things in , but I still don 't have anything to share . Perhaps I need to write a story about the dunder cheep and the wet weak . How frustrating this creative life is when it 's not happening for you . I have a slab of clay sitting in the playroom , dried out once and probably dried out again by now , a sculpture in progress , a good idea , one that got me excited . But it 's been thrat I was accused , along with the heretical Kent , of being an offspring of Satan on a forum a few days ago : ) So beware , any who read here . I will try to lure you away to the dark side , from where God shall have no option or creative licence but to send you all to hell , forever and ever . What seems funny to me these days is how irritated and upset I used to get at such comments previously . Maybe because I wasn 't sure if they weren 't right ? Because whenever people would flame - throw me , in God - related areas , it would so easily throw me into the giant vat of shame that lived inside me . If someone made accusations about my character and using God to proof - text that , I would crumble and fall because hey , they were right , right ? Well , I suppose they were in one way . But they can 't touch me that way anymore . That 's the miracle . I guess the problem is that most often the sort of person who flame throws in this way has hundreds of scriptures to back themselves up , and their righteous , wall - watching anger , their holy desire to purge from the ranks of Christianity the defiling agents to fuel them along . And while I can understand how they can see that in scripture , I just don 't identify that way of looking at things any more with God I have come to experience in my own mind and heart and body . There are many other ditches for me to fall in , but the " turn yourself into a hate - filled hypocritical moron in the process of upholding God 's integrity " is not one that lures me in any more . I still get irritated at people in those situations . ' Cause really , some of the ugliest people in the world are Christians who are convinced they are right , who are convinced that they are God 's elect , on God 's holy road , being the mouthpiece of God 's righteous requirements , the grace - filled beauties through which he shall impart to wayward believers the way back onto the narrow path . That sort of person still irritates me , sure . But somehow , along the way , this big wall of anger and defensiveness is being dismantled brick by brick . It 's a scary sort of diat Where I live is a particularly multicultural suburb . Many people from many different countries live around here and as I walk past them in the streets , with my dog , probably 75 % of those people who are identifiably Asian or African give the dog a wide , wide berth . Occasionally , it annoys me . Occasionally I take it personally , wondering just how stupid they think I am that I would walk a rabid , mangy psycho that 's going to bite them as I pass . But much of life is not rational . And much of it is seemingly irrational on the surface until you pay it some mind . Yesterday I listened to the owner of Kidslink talk about the Mozambique trip they are taking once again in July this year * . He cautioned against touching any of the animals there because they are so often diseased that it is really not worth the risk of patting a dog and contracting something life - threatening in the process . When I was walking my dog today two young African women walked past me . One was chatting on her phone , oblivious , speaking French . The other walked such a wide berth around Lester that she walked on the road to get past . Further behind , an Asian man gave a rather less wide berth while an African man walked past , looked at me for a fleeting second and then his eyes dropped to the ground . And I thought , I am privileged enough that I can get irritated at people that they think my dog is going to bite them . I am privileged to own a dog as a pet , companionship . My dog is immunised every year . The changes of him contracting anything to pass on to anyone is entirely minimal . I am so privileged that I can entertain the notion of irritation towards people , presuming that their reactions are based on irrational fears rather than on very sound berths , ingrained in many of them from birth , because to go near an animal where they grew up could be the difference between life and great illness , or even life and death . I am so privileged that I am in a position of irritation . + + + + + + + + + + + * I am not so sure that this will be a trip I will take this year . Apart fromat I suppose it 's not surprising that most newspapers are heading to tabloid status . Not that I read them any more , unless I 'm at my parents and I can pick up the Herald Sun for a bit of easy potshot criticism . At best I probably read a story or two online every day . The weather was taking my interest last week and so I was doing a lot of online newspaper reading then . In my readings I noted a lot of use of overblown words like " chaos " to describe what went on last week . Really ? Was it really chaos that people were stranded places and took hours to get home , etc ? I would say it was extreme disruption and a very uncomfortable week indeed . It would have been chaos if an earthquake was going on , or if a crazed gunman had rampaged the city at the same time . To describe last week as " chaos " is just patently stupid when everywhere , I saw calm and in control people who were hot and irritated and a bit bothered by public transport " meltdowns " . It was sad to note that quite a few people died . That was sad , and honestly , it was a yukky week , but it wasn 't anything near chaotic . Chaotic would be if we were beginning to starve to death . ( Edit / aside : okay , so the title of my last post was Hell in Melbourne Town . So I 'm a hypocrite . Tell me something I don 't already know : ) Another overblown story was the one about Michael Phelps , the Olympic gold medallist in something or other , who I see has been caught with his mouth impaled on a bong . Here is how the Times Online described it : A mixture of shock and disbelief swept the United States yesterday as the nation woke up to an abject apology from the man it had hailed as its greatest Olympic athlete . Michael Phelps was a hero and role model for millions but now his career will be stained forever by claims that he smoked drugs . Really ? Shock and disbelief ? On what sort of a scale ? A chaotic sort of a scale , as represented here , in another overblown article about the fall of a vaunted sports superstar ? Were people taken to hospital because their illusions were dissed that someone who is riat
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Discipline is the other side of discipleship . Discipleship without discipline is like waiting to run in the marathon without ever practicing . Discipline without discipleship is like always practicing for the marathon but never participating . It is important , however , to realize that discipline in the spiritual life is not the same as discipline in sports . Discipline in sports is the concentrated effort to master the body so that it can obey the mind better . Discipline in the spiritual life is the concentrated effort to create the space and time where God can become our master and where we can respond freely to God 's guidance . Henri Nouwen , from Bread for the Journey ( HT to Mike @ The Mercy Blog ) I was reading over at Onehouse 's blog a quote by Cynthia Bourgeault which said that the word ' perfect ' , in the language of Christ 's time , meant " whole , truly and fully alive . " Be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect . Makes much more sense reading it this way than the other way , which creates really ugly people sending large portions of themselves out into the wilderness , where they create larger havoc than they would have if their owners were looking . It sounds strange , but I am just loving the comfort I have discovered living with a God who knows me and the darkest parts of myself and honours me anyway . It was never the whiplash that has changed anything about me for the better . I love the way scripture has so many seemingly disparate verses , so we trip up on them like giant tree roots , grrr . I must say , life is difficult enough without biblical misinterpretations thrown into the mix . Methinks reading from 2000 year old manuscripts written in totally different cultures , times , and languages is a tiring process . It is good to get that particular verse about " be ye perfect " cleared up in my head . I 've given up the strive , I guess , to a reasonable extent . It comes rushing in like bushfire winds at times , threatening to overwhelm me . But I am beginning to recognise it a bit clearer , a bit faster , and to turn my face away likat It is the weekend . There are , however , several things threatening your fulsome immersion in said weekend . Thoughts about such things follows thusly in no particular order : 1 . You are feeling a little under the weather . You get grumpy and stressed when you 're not feeling well . Anti - dizziness medication is a good thing and you thank God for it . But it does , however , make you feel a tad drowsy . Which is probably good in a way because the drowsiness makes you feel sort of nice and groggy and then you stop being grumpy and stressed about not feeling well . And so your weekend is beginning to shape up in a certain way . You are thinking you should take the opportunity of having a geared - down weekend with no bicycleish gearing up by surrounding yourself with paints and pencils and pens and paper and clay and stuff . You are happy your mate John gave you his old digital set - top box so you can watch digital TV channels on a clear picture . Drowsiness will be aided greatly by bouts of television watching and accepting these days for what they are , instead of thinking about what they could be , which is surely a pointless useless enterprise . You are , after all , grateful that even though this weekend is what it is looking like , at least you 're not rolling around in great balls of grief wanting to be dead . Which is a good comparison . You think that comparisons are good when they flow in that direction , but not so good when they flow in the opposite direction . 2 . This is the opposite direction that you are struggling with . Your ex and his girlfriend are off for a weekend of music festivals and massages to celebrate their first anniversary . You are happy for them . You truly are . You are also really quite jealous in a way . Not of them personally as such - you do believe that things are as they should be . But of them being in lurve and the feeling of mutual attraction and just how lovely that whole thing is ( even though you feel cynically jaded enough to tiredly yawn how it doesn 't last . Oh , bitter old woman you are ) . But yes , you are jat There are four kittens after all , I discovered today . God knows there 's enough noise going on under my house for there to be four , bangings and thumpings . I don 't know what they 're doing under there , but it sounds fun . I like how they run in monochrome from black , to darker tabby , to light tabby . They are very pretty pusses , are they not ? I am glad to see they are all still here after all , while a bit bewildered at the same time , but you know , what am I gonna do , not feed them ? Well , I did forget to feed them last night . I was feeling ill after an aborted bike ride . I guess eating McDonald 's before riding , on top of just getting your period , is a bit of a recipe for dizziness and nausea and riding disaster . Bummer : ( Managed to get in 15 minutes in the You Yangs before being sidelined . I don 't handle physical things stopping me from doing what I want very well , even after all those years of practice . Today , I still feel dizzy around the edges . I really need to get my ears checked out . I think the insect - in - the - ear scenario has done something to my balance and made the whole thing worse . As a result of not feeding the kittens last night , they were hungry today and I 've managed to get these shots from out the playroom window . They are getting a bit less wary , I have to say . Might have them purring on the couch come winter yet ; ) Okay . That 's stopped the blokes from reading : ) I have a question for you women who aren 't using birth control . Just wondering how many of you have your little friend visiting at the moment : ) My art therapist told me that most women get their periods when the moon is in its waning period , or when it 's a new moon . Which is kinda cool , because then it means that when the moon is full and the earth is silvery , we are all ovulating and feeling sexy : ) Discuss ? Been thinking a bit this week about how different we all are , how differently we see things , and that ultimately it doesn 't matter what you do , people will think what they choose to think about you and there 's really not all that much you can do about it . I guess I 'm beginning the return to my old self because that concept is one I can sit easier with the last few weeks . It 's freaked me out over the last few years , when so much inner subconscious awful stuff has been blowin ' free in the wind for everyone to see ( or so it feels ) . I think I 'm sitting easier with that idea because I have felt for so long that the umbrella for my soul , the part of me that is confident and feisty , has sort of gone for a long nap . My old self contains this dualistic ultra - sensitive child who is scared of so much , and her much older and bigger confident persona , who shields her . It 's been a difficult ride to start uncovering that shyer child . She is the one who creates . Especially difficult when the other part of my soul had it 's umbrella bashed in and ripped up and out of action . How hard it is becoming myself : ( Yesterday , I weighed up the desire to go to the pub by myself to watch my team play its game on cable , versus the discomfort of doing such a thing . I 'm happy to say that I went . I sat amongst a couple of groups of men , young and old . This was a little bit uncomfortable but nothing I couldn 't ride , I guess . I read my book in between quarters ( I figured I already looked like a social weirdo / really independent person / someone there to pick up a quick root / loser with no mates , depending on how you view such things ; reading by myself in the pub was the logical next step . And anyway , it 's not like I actually wanted to speak with anyone there . Must take these sorts of things slowly . Anyway , it is a misconception that watching football is a social activity for everybody : ) Worldviews . Funny how different we are , as people . I guess some sort of maturity is a willingness to muster understanding and compassion and as much grace for each otheat While the dog is away the owner will play - or try to - with cats : ) The wild kittens cohabiiting between my house and next door have reduced in number to two . Two very pretty little long - haired pusses . Two nights ago , I sat outside with a box of dry food and threw it a few feet away from me and then sat there as the two kittehs came out tentatively from under the house . I rubbed some of the dry food between my hands before I threw it . They were wary indeed . But they ate , looking over their shoulders at any sharp movement from me , ready to run . Later that night , I sat outside on the step , in the ring cast from the front door light . I had heard one of the kittens mewing , as I can hear it today also . As I sat on the step , the lighter coloured tabby came from around the corner after hearing its brother or sister 's call . The other kitten is the same colouring but with a darker face . So cute . As I sat very quietly on the step , both kittens passed me in their travels . The lighter coloured one even stopped directly in front of me , sitting down four feet away and curling it 's tail neatly around the bottom of it 's feet , in the tidy way of felines . I have visions of the kittens and the cat and the dog and me all sleeping together on my bed : ) That doesn 't mean it 's gonna be happening : ) Last night I went outside with a tin of food . As I was mushing it out into the bowl , I felt a warm , softness brush past me . And there she was . The mother cat . I haven 't seen her for over a month . She was skinny . I think she has been lying low , letting her leg mend . She was so hungry that this petite - sized puss with the grey and white markings ate three quarters of a tin of cat food . She hissed at one of the kittens , who was trying to make an approach . I wondered if perhaps these kittens weren 't hers after all . Would a mother hiss that way at her own kittens ? But then , these kittens are probably three or four months old now . Old enough perhaps to make their own way . I don 't know . I wouldn 't know about the lifestyles of almost - wild cats . And this at Soul knowledge sends you in the opposite direction from consumerism . It 's not addition that makes one holy but subtraction : stripping the illusions , letting go of the pretense , exposing the false self , breaking open the heart and the understanding , not taking my private self too seriously . In a certain sense we are on the utterly wrong track . We are climbing while Jesus is descending , and I think in that we reflect the pride and the arrogance of Western civilization , always trying to accomplish , perform and achieve . We transferred all that to Christianity and became spiritual consumers . The ego is still in charge . When the self takes itself that seriously , there 's no room left for God . All we can really do is get ourselves out of the way , and we can 't even do that . Richard Rohr , Radical Grace : Daily Meditations , p . 46 , day 49I have spent the evening sorting and filing my writing - related stuff . This is a pretty big deal . I have not filed my writing stuff properly for , like , five years . I literally had a massive pile containing ripped - out articles from newspapers dating to 2004 . The old - paper mustiness has given me a cloggy head . Despite the clog , it 's been fun going through all of these papers . There was a massive pile of printed - out how - to articles from the net , most of which I have ditched . These are from my CFS years , when reading stuff online exhausted me so very quickly that I couldn 't stay online for longer than half an hour without needing to get up and have a break . Those were the days . And so I printed stuff out to read later , reams and reams and reams of which is now being incarnated into paper to write morning pages on . I have no need to keep most of these " how - to " articles anymore . So much of it seems almost basic knowledge now in some ways . I don 't want the list of rules and regulations . I want to learn by writing . The most interesting things I filed were the tons and tons of stories I have begun , containing a page , half a page . Most of them were pretty okay . First draft sort of stuff but still - at I 've come across competitions from time to time for short - short stories . Say , 250 words . A difficult task , but perhaps I shall try my hand at one . For me , poetry is like a short story . My poetry writing mojo returned the other day , while driving on the way home from a friend 's place . It involved scrambling to find some paper to write on ( note to self : put notebook back in bag . Alternatively , have empty envelopes floating around in bag to write on ) . I stopped twice on the way home , on a 15 minute car ride , because when the poem vomits itself out into your head , you have to write it down or it goes . I think a 250 word short story is more difficult . I can " cheat " with poetry . It flops itself up onto the shore of my mind pretty much fully - formed , and all I have to do is tinker with it . I get ideas for short stories in the same way . A phrase or a thought or a scene will present itself to me . The last year or two , that 's about all that happens before it gives a few breaths and dies . Still , I harbour hope that such things will not continue indefinitely : ) I think it would be an easier thing to write a short short short short story . Hemingway demonstrated that even a six - word story can contain poignancy : " For sale : baby shoes . Never used . " My son - in - law , Alan , says in his book , Journey into Christ , ' Our identity is hidden , even from ourselves . . . The doctrine that we are made after the image of God proclaims that the human being is fundamentally a mystery , a free spirit . The creative artist is one who carries within him the wound of transcendence . He is the sign that human beings are more than they are . ' . . . A real problem for most of us is that this ' more than we think we are ' is not necessarily recognized as good . It is difficult for most of us to recognize , accept , and affirm those large areas of ourselves which are not compatible with the image of ourselves we would like to project or which the world has taught us we ought to project . Jesus was very clear about these projections , referring to those who projected them as ' whited sepulchres , ' clean and white without , and full of dead bones and decay within . Madeleine L ' Engle - Walking on Water : Reflections on Faith and ArtA favourite saying is , " God helps those who help themselves . " I think the phrase can be understood correctly , but in most practical situations it is pure heresy . Scripture clearly says God helps those who trust in God , not those who help themselves . We need to be told that so strongly because of our entire " do it yourself " orientation . As educated people , as Americans , our orientation is to do it . It takes applying the brakes , turning off our own power and allowing Another . What the lordship of Jesus means is that first we come to him , first we put things into his hands . Our doing must proceed from our being . Our being is " hidden with Christ in God " ( Colossians 3 : 3 ) . Richard Rohr , from Radical Grace : Daily Meditations , p . 77I have been pondering this idea all day today , gleaning its comfort . I have become so much more aware in the last year or two how deep I go . How much there is in me that is just patently impossible for me to know . Like Paul , I am frustrated at the depths to which I do that which I do not want to do , and do not do that which I do want to . Thinking about this todayat On my way to work today I had to stop in at Victoria Police to be police checked and fingerprinted as part of my job transcribing interviews for the Victoria Police . Does anyone else find this just a tad . . . well , paranoid ? A bit heavyhanded , maybe ? How dull and dreary and insufferably boring it is living in this country . Provincial , bland and sterile . Overly ridiculously safe . There were lots of people in there getting police checks for their various jobs . I can understand their necessity for some jobs . Probably a good idea to have a police check if you 're working with children . But sheesh . The government 's tentacles just seem to stretch out a bit further all the time , unless they 're lopped off every now and then . I was going to miss my standard 11 past 11 frequency tuning in this morning as I wouldn 't be at home near the computer to see . It is amazing how many times each week I do notice , though , morning and night . But today , it wouldn 't happen because I 'd be out . I wasn 't even thinking about it . Until the train pulled into Southern Cross Station and I saw it up there on the television screen . Arrival time : 11 : 11 . Something is jiving with me . Seriously : ) I have had a leave of absence for the past three semesters from uni . I figured art therapy and uni were too much to do at that point in time - my doing - things threshold was pretty low . Problem is , it will be time to pick my degree up again in July and . . . well , I can 't say I 'm all that enthused about it , to be honest . Which is patently silly and pointless thinking , because I have 1 / 4 of my degree to go , and I have done 18 subjects over 400 , 000 years , and to throw it in now would be something I would suspect borders the realms of stupid self - sabotage . It would defy logic . Well , except for the logic that I really don 't like my university - their motives are clear , their love for the bottom line and for equipping their students to go out and earn as much cash as possible blatant and frankly it just makes me feel old and idealistic and stupid to think that universities should be something devoted to higher learning as opposed to churning out cookie - cutter job marketeers . But what place idealism in these times except for around the fringes ? I wish I had been around in the heady days of Gough Whitlamia when university education was free and the Arts revered . I am tempted to let my degree lapse , to apply next year to Deakin , the university at which I began my degree . Deakin offers philosophy subjects ; I have in fact already completed two of them . They also offer offline studying options which are also appealing . Maybe it 's good that universities are economically rationalised to within an inch of their lives . Herds the money - focussed elements into one large pen while the people on the outskirts can ply their wares and knowledge and practice with each other in peace . It never ceases to amaze me the amount of people out there who are generous with their time and knowledge when it comes to sharing their passions . I saw it yesterday in the chat I had with the man who designed the sensory garden at the Royal Talbot Hospital . I was there on an artist date of sorts , garnering ideas for this art space that has impaled itself in my at You have become conscious of your preference for second person present tense lately . You had to look up second person present to see if it was what you meant . You have a good , confident command of the English language . You don 't , however , know how to explain its elements . You don 't know what conjunctives are , or parsing , or split infinitives , but you know that you perform these actions all the time anyway . In hindsight , your learning of the language seemed to come naturally to you . There must have been dreary lessons in grammar in primary school at least . You don 't remember them . Maybe you drifted off dreaming daydreams , like any smart child should . Perhaps it was all of those years of devouring books as a child . You seemed to learn about the English language by reading . An Enid Blyton book in an afternoon . You seeped the language into your bones , from whence you then vomited out Grade 4 " put this word in a sentence " exercises where one word in one sentence stretched out into little mini stories for each word . You imagine you gave your Grade 4 teacher a few laughs reading little mini stories from an Australian child that sounded as if they were writen by a 40 year old Englishwoman . You don 't know what the drawing power is of second person present for you at the moment . Perhaps it is a way of distancing yourself from yourself . The writerly version of sitting down in an empty chair and talking to a part of yourself . Of externalising your inner child . From here , sitting across from yourself , you translate yourself into a wrtten account , and it feels good , somehow . Some days you think it is lying . Other days you think it is grace . You think that maybe this is what God does with us , somehow , writing us out in her own hand , shooting himself through all of our actions and lives and messes so that something good is made out of them at the other end . You wish , when you get up in the mornings , you could dress yourself in your words , like a veil , or a beautiful dress . Drawing attention and hiding at the same time . Sometimes yoat But firstly , the centre is colourless . Uncolour . A pinprick and a well . You swim in it and push on it until either something must give or you must get rid of all your mirrors so you 're not reminded how ugly you feel . This uncolour clouds everything so you feel like it is pointless to get your hair cut , or to look in the eyes of another . The next layer out is lime green and as you shower in your shame and cleansing you tell yourself a lime green thought of truth . Your words to yourself have so much power that they jolt you . You wonder about that . You have never been so aware before of the life and death wells at the same time . The stakes feel higher somehow . There is a creative idea , a thing , that is asking you to follow it down . Do you have the courage to follow it down ? You remind yourself that you don 't much mind if it goes out to a gentle red thread that miscarries itself out into the air . You don 't think it 's the end result so much as it is the following through and seeing something come out of you that is the thing here . It scares you , this potential to birth something . You tell yourself a lime green thought about the uncolour . It is a paradox to think that once you step onto the lime green turf that you would do anything but run away from looking back , but it is from here that you can see its truth . Not so much what it is saying to you about yourself but why it is saying it . This is the diving board , and you jump and it is yellow for a second or two . You tell yourself lime green thoughts that face away from the uncolour and it feels the way it would if you were in a large room of white tiles with the reflections from water bouncing off the walls , creating further colour , further light . The dope plant has begun budding . It is a symbol to you of the path you could take , the easier path of death . You would have many lime green thoughts here , it is true . But you know you cannot do this right now , not in this time , maybe not ever , but certainly once or twice before never occurs and you give the buds away to some fortat At the end of my working day , late yesterday afternoon , I chatted with Sonia and Agnes . We were all feeling a bit collectively depressed about being part of the human race . I had just transcribed a police interview with someone possessing child pornography . The smoke fumes from the fires - some deliberately lit - wafted into our nostrils even up on the sealed fourth floor . The smoke set an eerie strange glow to the sun 's rays . Last night , I watched the moon rising and it was blood red . Agnes suggested we press the reset button and get rid of everybody , pathetic as we are . She lamented that transcribing police interviews meant that she looked at every grandfather with his grandchildren and wondered if he was diddling his grandkiddies . I must say , cynicism loves company : ) Still , I said after a while that if there was a God , which I believed there was , then she must still love us even in our mess . We all three agreed on that . That was really nice to me . Three disparate people who all agreed that a God who existed must least be the sort of god who loves his humanity in their horrible , horrible evilness . I think that 's a good start . To cheer myself up on a day such as yesterday , which also happened to be the occasion of my erstwhile wedding anniversary , I resorted to the particularly girlie route of some retail therapy after work . But oh , an hour of shopping is the top limit for me . The unreality of the environment , the snobby sales assistants , the galleries of nubile 20 year olds . The overwhelming , overwhelming choice . I really hate shopping . I do , however , love my new skirt ( it 's orange ) . And shoes . And dress . I 'm just a bit skint now , that 's all : ) This week is a shared sort of lamentation for many of us Victorians . It 's been hard to switch off the emotions that slide through from other people . I think there is a touch of navel gazing that goes on when entire towns have disappeared from existence . It has been a bit overwhelming , a very strange week . A week where it felt like the days were flying past but when I look bat Sometimes you wonder how you don 't just go flying off to spaces of ungravity on cords of anxiety . These cords seem to be a companion of yours in these days of entering into yourself more while increasingly not knowing who the fuck you actually are . Is there any end to the complexity and the paradox ? This day is different to the other day . This day is shards , and you wonder if time hasn 't suddenly sped up once again without telling the scientists . The days go by so fast that it 's a wonder that you can actually walk on the ground without flying off , that you can do anything more than eat one meal and go to work for 30 minutes and get two hours ' sleep . Such a shame , the amount of time you must spend tuning the world out so you don 't get overwhelmed . Would you trade off certain creativities and nuances and intuitions and perceptions in place of being just a tad less sensitive ? Yes , on days like this you would , in a heartbeat . For a place in the world where you feel like you belong ? Certainly . You take comfort that one of the people you love the most understands entirely and experiences the same . You think that if you hadn 't had her in your life you just don 't know what you would have done . It would have been your tenth wedding anniversary on Friday if you weren 't such a fucked - up unit . Still , grace extends in every direction , even in yours . God doesn 't despise you anything like the way you despise yourself sometimes . This is a comfort and a golden thread to follow if you sit on the God end rather than in your own , scraping shards of pottery over yourself . Self - punishment is a luxury you tired of many moons ago . This is another version of these days . You don 't like this one quite as much as some of the others . Prime Minister Mr Rudd has likened the arsonists who lit fires in the past few days to mass murderers . When I was thinking about that , and about how angry it makes me when I think of morons deliberately lighting fires in those conditions , I got this image in my head of a suspension bridge . You know the type that have that scary sort of " give " in them so that when you walk across them it feels alarmingly unsafe ? And yet it is the very give and the bounce in the bridge that makes them safe . Maybe the " give " in a society for the bad , evil elements of it is something we don 't feel as comfortable with . It feels too permissive . It feels like we should be punishing those elements . No free lunches , right ? It will only encourage people if things are lax and they think they can get away with it . I agree with that to an extent , in a way . There 's always freeloaders who try to get away with stuff , even if they 're not going around lighting fires . But then I think , so what ? Let them . It may feel lax , but it also creates a certain sort of breathing space in a society that isn 't overburdened with laws and rules and signs , signs everywhere signs . It also gives people the breathing space to be able to see better the results of their misdeeds as they affect their experience , rather than because they have broken some law against some institution out there . Let the fields have enough left over after gleaning so that the desperate can go in the dark of night and get themselves something to eat . I would argue that any societal punishment dished out needs to have some sort of justice associated with it . Justice , not vengeance . I 'm particularly enamoured with perpetrators being made to face their victims . Just as long as the victims are not in turn allowed to funnel their anger wells out into convenient vengeance . ' Cause once you start kicking into someone and the black inferno descends - well , I imagine it would be hard to stop . The only way to put an end to violence imposed is to keep kicking them until you kill them , or forgive them and at I feel a bit numb this evening . I began writing this post unsure that it was going to be anything more than a few sentences . What can you say about such things as natural disasters ? I 've gone about my business of the past two days , with crying spells interspersed in - between long bike rides and art therapy sessions . It 's terribly sobering living in Australia when it 's flooded at one end , and has just experienced it 's worst fires ever at the other end , in my state , with 150 people burned to death and 800 houses burnt to the ground . Here in Melbourne I am shielded from it all , really . I don 't know anyone directly who has died or lost their house . I know people who know people , but that 's it . I drove to Mount Dandenong today , and the only hint of anything different were some of the things Maggie had packed in preparation for evacuation , being in a fire - prone area and only 50km and an hours ' drive away from the now - almost - extinct Kinglake . But by today , there wasn 't even a hint of smoke in the air . But still , you can feel the numbness in the air . It 's heartening to see the rallying of support of people who feels so useless and want to help . There has already been 6 million bucks donated to the appeal , and one of the relief centres near Kinglake had to actually ask people to stop bringing certain things in because they were being overwhelmed with stuff . Which is a good problem to have . They were actually asking for specific items I last heard - items like children 's underwear and dog leads . I saw footage of some of the pets who had made it on the television and I have to stop my mind from thinking of the animals who didn 't . I was listening to Radio National today . They were discussing the death of a philosopher attributed to founding the deep ecology movement . I don 't know anything about him so I won 't go into it here , but the narrator was discussing how deep ecologists tend to believe that anthropocentrism - the idea that humans are at the centre of creation - is to blame for the way the earth is being murdered . I can unat You don 't like anymore to declare , " I am now this way " or " I am now that way " , trying to tie things down underfoot . Of course you understand why you do try to tie these things down . You have been as changeable as Melbourne weather for the last several years ; of course you wanted to have happiness and contentment that rolls away in front of you like a red carpet for days and days . But all year long you have said , " I am now this way " and then you find yourself the other way in an hour or a day . Only to be this way again in another hour or day . Best to say you are everything or nothing . And anyway , you know , as soon as you try to tie down happiness and contentment and make them your own , that in the process of control you will turn them into something they never were before you caged them like a butterfly . You know that now is enough for you to handle if you are going to be more than halfway in it . You 're not entirely happy with that , but you know it . You 're joyful about it when you manage to do it . You know that sadness and depression and despondency and despair and grief are in your future , as they are in anybody 's . And just the saying and naming of those things puffs out the future , allows it to be what it is going to be without your teeth marks jagging its edges . You can say today at least that you are content . There is a gentle flow , like water over stones . A flummox of thoughts every moment through your mind , a choice of which hallway to walk down , which door to open . You stall throughout the day , dwelling , wanting what you do not have , not liking what you do , and yet also finding that you have come to a certain place of command in your mind . Perhaps it is knowing God that has brought you along to a here , a mind that can draw itself now from one room down into the cool pool , or towards the beautiful hearthfire , or the fluffy pillow of rest . And you love how it is that thinking about God , about the God of all comfort , gives health to your heart and your mind . And when you remember you stop , and you say selah . Becat Lester and I walked by the river last night , after the greater warmth of the day had passed . It was one of those days where the clouds were going crazy , multilayering themselves into shapes of dinosaurs and evil creepy things , of giants , and fairy lands . There were fluffy clouds , swirly clouds , streaked line clouds , and big clouds with a bit of water in them judging by their greyness , interspersed with smaller white fluffy ones which the sun was flirting around the edges with . It was a fine evening for cloud picture making , that 's for sure . I smoothed the bark of a ghost gum , in my hippy prayerdom , praying about today , another day of extreme temperatures ( 44C / 111F ) and wind gusts that foretell bushfires before the day is out . And I prayed , smoothing the multi - coloured bark , that as many of this tree 's brethren as possible would still be standing by afternoon 's end , when the cool change rolls in . There is a certain level of anxiety on days like this , when everything is tinder dry . It is not something to get used to , even while living all my life in such conditions . I am reminded of Ash Wednesday 1983 . I remember exactly where I was at the time when the ash from the worst bushies since 1939 came rolling into Melbourne . Mum and I were out in the waves at Mentone beach , enjoying the bounce . Dad was on the shore , waving . That was strange . Not given to bouts of expression , my father was standing on the shore waving at us . To come in , that is . By the time we got home , the windows which had been left partially open had brought in with them a fine layer of ash from the fires that killed 71 people that day . The ash covered everything . Me , I 'm inside , insulated against the hot winds that will make me sick if I go out into them . I have barricaded myself inside the lounge room , with paper , pencils , paint and brushes . I have it easy today . I think of those fighting fires ( the one that 's broken its containment lines near the Bunyip State Forest ) . I can 't help thinking of the animals and the habitations that might be lost . I am stilat If the Golden Rule were generally observed among us , the economy would not last a week . We have made our false economy a false god , and it has made blasphemy of the truth . So I have met the economy in the road , and am expected to yield it right of way . But I will not get over . My reason is that I am a man , and have a better right to the ground than the economy . The economy is no god for me , for I have had too close a look at its wheels . I have seen it at work in the strip mines and coal camps of Kentucky , and I know that it has no moral limits . It has emptied the country of the independent and the proud , and has crowded the cities with the dependent and the abject . It has always sacrificed the small to the large , the personal to the impersonal , the good to the cheap . It has ridden questionable triumphs over the bodies of small farmers and tradesmen and craftsmen . I see it , still , driving my neighbors off their farms into the factories . I see it teaching my students to give themselves a price before they can give themselves a value . Its principle is to waste and destroy the living substance of the world and the birthright of posterity for a monetary profit that is the most flimsy and useless of human artifacts . ~ Wendell BerryI take heart from people like Wendell Berry . For every made - stupid person who can 't see out of the matrix , or doesn 't want to , the brave ones fill me with hope 100 times more . For every person who calls the emperor out on the fact that his bum cheeks are hanging out , I have hope , and I feel safer . Meanwhile , Western governments continue to bail water out of the economic boat by . . . spending more money . Which is the shape of the pool they 're in , and they can 't do much else . The Rudd government plans on giving me 900 bucks in a few weeks ' time . It 's to stimulate the economy . What will happen is that most people will go and buy something made in Taiwan or , like me ( hopefully , in theory ) , they will use the money to pay bills , like I will to pay my car rego . ( In theory . In practice , I might dip in heat Sometimes I get little glimpses and remembrances of how life felt to me as a child , how I perceived it from inside myself . I was thinking the other day about my silly childish propensity to name inanimate objects and wondering , is this the consumerist , gooberly , boring adult version of what went on in my head as a child when , my mother saying in exasperation , " You 're as slow as a wet week " would lead me to envisage the wet weak as being like . . . oh , I don 't know , a giant slug or something ? The wet weak was a character in my head , something I created . I like to imagine s / he shared a house with dirty deeds and the dunder cheep . There are many ways to live in whimsy and wonderment , even though I know the words and can 't be flabbergasted too often anymore by phraseal misconceptions ( although I still enjoy fluffing especially delectable phrases around inside my mouth , tasting them ) . Naming my mass - produced items is one of them , but I think I need entire human characters , that 's what I need . But they won 't come . They fart themselves out in my head into a scenario and then stop . I get these scenarios in my head often . Hey , that would be an interesting story . A person who works overnight in a bakery as a delivery person . Hey , that 's an interesting trajectory , a person going from this point to this point . But then they just all fly away on the wind . I have not been to my writers ' group for months and months . For several months it was because I felt w - a - y too fragile to do such a thing . Plus I didn 't have anything I 'd written to share . Now , I feel only a tiny bit too fragile , the garden variety fragility that is required if you are to be vulnerable and let things in , but I still don 't have anything to share . Perhaps I need to write a story about the dunder cheep and the wet weak . How frustrating this creative life is when it 's not happening for you . I have a slab of clay sitting in the playroom , dried out once and probably dried out again by now , a sculpture in progress , a good idea , one that got me excited . But it 's been thrat I was accused , along with the heretical Kent , of being an offspring of Satan on a forum a few days ago : ) So beware , any who read here . I will try to lure you away to the dark side , from where God shall have no option or creative licence but to send you all to hell , forever and ever . What seems funny to me these days is how irritated and upset I used to get at such comments previously . Maybe because I wasn 't sure if they weren 't right ? Because whenever people would flame - throw me , in God - related areas , it would so easily throw me into the giant vat of shame that lived inside me . If someone made accusations about my character and using God to proof - text that , I would crumble and fall because hey , they were right , right ? Well , I suppose they were in one way . But they can 't touch me that way anymore . That 's the miracle . I guess the problem is that most often the sort of person who flame throws in this way has hundreds of scriptures to back themselves up , and their righteous , wall - watching anger , their holy desire to purge from the ranks of Christianity the defiling agents to fuel them along . And while I can understand how they can see that in scripture , I just don 't identify that way of looking at things any more with God I have come to experience in my own mind and heart and body . There are many other ditches for me to fall in , but the " turn yourself into a hate - filled hypocritical moron in the process of upholding God 's integrity " is not one that lures me in any more . I still get irritated at people in those situations . ' Cause really , some of the ugliest people in the world are Christians who are convinced they are right , who are convinced that they are God 's elect , on God 's holy road , being the mouthpiece of God 's righteous requirements , the grace - filled beauties through which he shall impart to wayward believers the way back onto the narrow path . That sort of person still irritates me , sure . But somehow , along the way , this big wall of anger and defensiveness is being dismantled brick by brick . It 's a scary sort of diat Where I live is a particularly multicultural suburb . Many people from many different countries live around here and as I walk past them in the streets , with my dog , probably 75 % of those people who are identifiably Asian or African give the dog a wide , wide berth . Occasionally , it annoys me . Occasionally I take it personally , wondering just how stupid they think I am that I would walk a rabid , mangy psycho that 's going to bite them as I pass . But much of life is not rational . And much of it is seemingly irrational on the surface until you pay it some mind . Yesterday I listened to the owner of Kidslink talk about the Mozambique trip they are taking once again in July this year * . He cautioned against touching any of the animals there because they are so often diseased that it is really not worth the risk of patting a dog and contracting something life - threatening in the process . When I was walking my dog today two young African women walked past me . One was chatting on her phone , oblivious , speaking French . The other walked such a wide berth around Lester that she walked on the road to get past . Further behind , an Asian man gave a rather less wide berth while an African man walked past , looked at me for a fleeting second and then his eyes dropped to the ground . And I thought , I am privileged enough that I can get irritated at people that they think my dog is going to bite them . I am privileged to own a dog as a pet , companionship . My dog is immunised every year . The changes of him contracting anything to pass on to anyone is entirely minimal . I am so privileged that I can entertain the notion of irritation towards people , presuming that their reactions are based on irrational fears rather than on very sound berths , ingrained in many of them from birth , because to go near an animal where they grew up could be the difference between life and great illness , or even life and death . I am so privileged that I am in a position of irritation . + + + + + + + + + + + * I am not so sure that this will be a trip I will take this year . Apart fromat I suppose it 's not surprising that most newspapers are heading to tabloid status . Not that I read them any more , unless I 'm at my parents and I can pick up the Herald Sun for a bit of easy potshot criticism . At best I probably read a story or two online every day . The weather was taking my interest last week and so I was doing a lot of online newspaper reading then . In my readings I noted a lot of use of overblown words like " chaos " to describe what went on last week . Really ? Was it really chaos that people were stranded places and took hours to get home , etc ? I would say it was extreme disruption and a very uncomfortable week indeed . It would have been chaos if an earthquake was going on , or if a crazed gunman had rampaged the city at the same time . To describe last week as " chaos " is just patently stupid when everywhere , I saw calm and in control people who were hot and irritated and a bit bothered by public transport " meltdowns " . It was sad to note that quite a few people died . That was sad , and honestly , it was a yukky week , but it wasn 't anything near chaotic . Chaotic would be if we were beginning to starve to death . ( Edit / aside : okay , so the title of my last post was Hell in Melbourne Town . So I 'm a hypocrite . Tell me something I don 't already know : ) Another overblown story was the one about Michael Phelps , the Olympic gold medallist in something or other , who I see has been caught with his mouth impaled on a bong . Here is how the Times Online described it : A mixture of shock and disbelief swept the United States yesterday as the nation woke up to an abject apology from the man it had hailed as its greatest Olympic athlete . Michael Phelps was a hero and role model for millions but now his career will be stained forever by claims that he smoked drugs . Really ? Shock and disbelief ? On what sort of a scale ? A chaotic sort of a scale , as represented here , in another overblown article about the fall of a vaunted sports superstar ? Were people taken to hospital because their illusions were dissed that someone who is riat
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This Christmas was much different than any other Christmas I 've had . This year , Matt wasn 't living at home . When he and Tess came over , they were guests . Well , they weren 't treated like guests , they were treated like family . . . but even still , the fact that they came over as opposed to just being here for Christmas . . . it 's just weird . But nobody cares about my brother 's current living situation , they want to know what I got ! Or maybe they 're just here to make me feel better about myself by commenting on my posts , without actually taking in any of the information . Either way , I don 't really care . . . whatever makes my Google Analytics charts look better : DSo for Christmas , I got a Calvin and Hobbes book , a battery charger and some rechargeable batteries , money for an iPod Touch , and some headphones for aforementioned iPod . Also some Tim Hortons money . Apparently it can only be used at Tim Hortons , I can 't use it towards the iPod . . . That 's basically all I got . . . it was a fairly present - less Christmas , because I specifically asked for money , so most people just gave cash , some with cards to go with it . Also , on the job front . . . No word from Staples yet , but my friend 's quitting in January or February , so maybe I 'll be able to snag his position . . . he gave me a pretty good reference , so I 'm hoping . . . But I don 't want to wait so long . . . I might apply at a couple other places , and see what happens . . . I can always just use Staples as a fallback , in case whatever I apply for never happens . . . doesn 't hurt to try , anyways . Also , I 'm fat and I need to run . Every time you talk to me , call me Pudgy , and remind me to go running and do situps and stuff . When I eat a lot of junk food , and then never do any exercise , bad things happen . I got free texting a little while ago , so I can be less cheap with my phone . It turns out I 'm spending the same amount ( with pay as you go ) now as I was before I got free texting . It kind of blows because I don 't have a job so I can 't really afford to be spending too much . Job - wise , I 'm not sure where I want to work . I was thinking Red Robin ( Notice it 's not called Red Robins . My childhood is ruined ) , but I can 't get there by bus , and my dad works , and my mom tutors at random times , so I can 't depend on rides from my parents . The only other option is to bus part - way and then walk the rest of the way , which I was willing to do . . . until my dad reminded me of the neighbourhood around Red Robin . It 's like druggie / hooker central ( For Maple Ridge anyways ) . So I decided to settle for second - best and I think I 'll apply at Staples . I 've known a few people who have worked there , and they all seem to have liked it , as far as jobs go . I 'm pretty sure I can bus there , and I think they 'd be fairly flexible for my hours , so I 'll probably go pick up an application some time soon . I hate the process of applying places . After how I got the job at Jacob 's , it 's hard to make myself write out a formal resumé , and fill out an application form . For Jacob , he just got my brother to bring me one day , and work alongside him , and I guess he was just making sure I wasn 't retarded or something , and then at the end of the day he paid me for that day 's work , and told me to come back the next day . Also , apparently at Staples their electronics department is already pretty much full , so I 'd probably end up restocking stuff , and maybe being a cashier . That 's not too bad , just I would like it a lot more if I could work with computers and stuff . I guess it 's about time for another post . I don 't really have much to tell , but SOMEONE ( * cough * Kayla * cough * ) keeps hassling me to write something , so I guess I will . . . October 30th was the due date for the yearbook write - ups for the grads . . . I wasn 't sure what I was going to write , but I wanted it to be funny , but not a waste of space . I ended up writing something like ' Wow , that was 13 years of school ? It felt like . . . 13 years . ' and then some random stuff , followed by ' I 've always liked living in Pitt Meadows , because it 's such a nice little peaceful community . Unfortunately , a couple years ago , I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said ' You 're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel - Air . I whistled for a cab and when it got near the license plate said FRESH and it had dice in the mirror . Have good lives , classmates . ' I sure hope everyone is still down with Bel - Airs by the end of the year , otherwise my write - up will be lame : ( Anyways , if something interesting happens , I 'll try to remember to write about it . The other day , I was talking to a Korean kid in my English class about when I lived in Korea . He was pretty amazed that I could read Korean , and so we were writing notes to each other with English words , but written with Korean letters . Korean is completely phonetic , which makes it extremely easy to learn , so long as you stick with it long enough to remember the 24 letters , as well as a couple basic rules . For example , consonants can 't be the first character in a syllable , or when - character - is next to - character - , it makes - such and such - sound . Anyways , so my English teacher saw me talking to the Korean kid , and jokingly asked me if I was speaking Korean . . . and I said yes . Also , a joke . . . but a terrible idea . I explained that I don 't actually speak fluently , I just know a few phrases , and I can read / write it phonetically , but she is now determined that I will learn Korean by the end of the year . The up - side is that Harris is a pretty neat guy , and he 's been teaching me some Korean cultural things , and I have diplomatic immunity to talk during class , so long as it 's in Korean . The down - side , however , outweighs the good side . My teacher expects me to all of the sudden try WAY harder in class , because she figures if I can finish my work faster , I can do my ' daily Korean lesson ' with Harris . " Josh , this is all very interesting , but where 's the part where you talk about something crazy and exciting ? " I knew you 'd ask . Generally I wouldn 't tell a story like this , but recently , Kayla Black has been learning some Korean , and I have been having fun helping her a bit , as well as talking about Korean stuff . If anyone else is learning Korean , there are some pretty wicked - easy websites that teach basic Korean ( to learn to sound out the characters ) . Also , a few phrases to impress your Korean friends . Speaking of languages . . . my parents wouldn 't sign a form allowing me to watch a movie in French class , due to ' excessive coarse language ' and ' sexual scenes ' . This is fairly normal , and expected , but the annoying part is that instead at Over the fairly short time I was homeschooled , I met quite a few people . Of those people , I got along with most . Of those people , I became friends with a few . These are those few 's stories . Actually it 's my stories , or descriptions , or shout - outs related to those people . Whatever . Shut up and read the rest of this message . First of all , AJ Mauger . He 's been a great friend over the years , and we 've stayed in contact ( or as much contact one can have with AJ ) since grade 8 when we met . Because of our strange personalities , we 've gotten along with each other really well , including lighting things on fire , or sitting 20 feet away from each other , playing separate videogames , not talking to each other , and still having way more fun than we 'd have if we were just alone . Also , we 've had some pretty sweet times singing along with music , and talking about random asian things . Another thing we have in common is our faux - love for communism and its prosperity . We 've had a lot of deep talks , and a lot of shallow talks . . . talking + aj + josh = laughter ( only AJ will get this reference ) There aren 't many other things to say about AJ , other than that I think he 's a hilarious , kind , smart , and honest friend . Now , not to make everyone else feel bad , but I have a lot less to write about , since I haven 't really hung out with many other people other than AJ . Brandon Cazander . Oh , Brandon , you are so ridiculously nerdy , yet you maintain your stylish . . . uh . . . style , and you don 't look like a nerd . I envy you for that . Also I envy your Dutch background , for you have an excuse every time you buy something simply because it 's on sale , or your love for flowers and dropies . I am only pseudo - dutch : ( Also , your willingness to help others with their technological problems has always inspired me . . . prior to meeting you , if someone wanted help , I 'd probably give them some advice , or some minimal help , but I 'd never research something and try different things until I figured out and fixed the problem , like you do almost every time anyone ever comes to youat Well , it 's that time again . . . or at least it will be in but a few days . Back - to - school time seems less rushed every year , doesn 't it ? I always used to worry about getting new clothes , and stuff like that , but now I 'm kind of just living my summer life until September 1st , and then I plan to go into school mode after that . I think I don 't have enough binders , but I only used 2 binders last year so I should be able to last at least a little while with only 2 . I really want to get an Xbox 360 , but I want to wait until there 's some sort of promotional deal . . . I wanted to get it when there was the 20G one for $ 299 and it came with The Orange Box and Rainbow Six . . . . I 'd just trade in Rainbow Six at EB Games , but I 'd save $ 40 on not having to buy The Orange Box . Also , I 'd really like to get the Xbox at either Superstore or BestBuy , due to the high chances of having to return it . I 'm also thinking about getting a 60G , since it 's only $ 50 more , and I can download a lot more stuff with that extra space , including all my games , to save on loading times . Not quite a hilarious post , but hopefully it 's a bit more entertaining than the previous one . Bear with me . So my parents are really restrictive , especially in movies and the like . Perhaps they 're trying to stop me from having bad influences on me . . . but at some point it needs to stop . You can 't try to do that forever . I understand that parents wouldn 't want their impressionable 10 - year - old child to go to Disturbia , or to play Grand Theft Auto , but I 'm not ten anymore . Maybe I 'll just write a completely different blog post as part of this one , because otherwise I would have written two non - funny blog posts , which would ruin my reputation . At the fireworks with AJ , I continued my game which I talked about a long time ago . Actually , continued our game . We got some sensual ice cream , and went for a romantic stroll along the waterfront . We saw this boat spraying water out , and we were looking at it for a minute or so , then all of the sudden I hear ' Is that Josh Young ? ' and I look around and right behind where I was standing were some people I know . Isn 't that crazy ? Last year , my eskimo friend started recording a hilarious podcast with his friend . I 've totally gotten into it . Some day , I 'm going to be part of one . That is a day I can 't wait for . Also , I can 't wait for the day when Mamma Mia comes out on DVD . I will purchase a copy fo ' sho ' . Well , I have been meaning to write this for a while . This is mainly a post for myself , which is kind of strange , but get over it . So recently , I 've been working quite a bit , and when I work , I have a lot of time to think to myself . Also , a lot of time to think about myself . Generally , it 's just your generic ' I should do more situps , and eat less McDonalds ' ( Never actually happens ) , or your other generic pity - party kind of things . Then one day I had an original , personalized self - thought . I 'm really really self - centered . I always joke about it , but I guess it 's another case of the jokes with a hint ( or in this case , more than just a hint ) of truth in them . I try not to be too self - centered , but I often catch myself in a selfish thought / action . I think one of the main problems I have is with money . I 'm always hesitant to give up my money , even if it 's for a completely okay reason . Like for example , if someone wants money for gas , or money for food , or whatever , I automatically try to figure out EXACTLY how much it would cost them , and then not give them any more than they paid , or whatever . Also , it seems I often assume things I shouldn 't , such as ' this rule probably doesn 't really apply to me ' , among other things . One of the worst things ( for other people , anyways ) , is when I get mad at someone for something , then turn around and do the exact same thing , but think it 's alright , and get mad at people for being annoyed . Another thing , unrelated to self - centeredness , is that I often find myself not necessarily insulting people behind their back , but not exactly complimenting them either . I need to work on that . Next post won 't be so down , hopefully , although I need to write one about complaining , that 's for sure : P I hate it when people are unreliable . That is all I will say , because there 's a chance somebody actually reads this , and will be offended . " Hey , why did Josh say I 'm unreliable ? All I did was say I 'd do something then not do it , but never tell him I didn 't do it , and never actually planned on doing it ! That doesn 't make me unreliable ! " I had a really fun Pitt Meadows Day . I played Rock Band and Halo 3 . It was fun . AJ is better than me at Rock Band , but I look better while playing it . I took a picture of AJ , but my camera is missing , and hopefully will mysteriously return . I played hockey again on Sunday . My team won . I think the other goalie had a better save percentage , my team just played better , or at least more offensively . I don 't really have anything to say , other than for some strange reason I 've been craving Mexican food . . . I just saw Iron Man last night . It was incredible . Of all the superhero movies , or similarly - styled ones , this was the best . The characters were interesting , it wasn 't all about the drama between characters ( * cough * Transformers * cough * ) , and the storyline was fairly believable . There were also some intense battle scenes . Wonderful movie . Go watch it right now So I mentioned some other things in my last post , and here they are . First off , I was talking to someone , and they mentioned that often times , girls feel obligated to do something when they are with a guy , and he pays for something . Now , I can 't vouch for anyone other guys ' ulterior motives , but I can definitely say for myself , when I offer to pay for someone , I am just trying to be nice and polite . Another thing I had in mind was how annoying it is when people have a huge reaction over a small thing . I can 't remember now what exact I had been thinking of when I wrote down the reminder to include this in this post , but sometimes it just annoys me greatly . Some people just overreact to almost anything . Here 's a hypothetical conversation . Bill : Hey Sue , how 's it going ? Sue : I 'm pretty good . Is that a new haircut ? Bill : NO ! IT ' S NOT A @ # Bill : NO ! IT ' S NOT A @ # $ & ING NEW HAIR CUT ! ISN ' T A GUY ALLOWED TO GO ONE DAY WITHOUT DOING HIS HAIR ? ! SCREW OFF , SUE ! amp ; ING NEW HAIR CUT ! ISN ' T A GUY ALLOWED TO GO ONE DAY WITHOUT DOING HIS HAIR ? ! SCREW OFF , SUE ! That was moderately exaggerated , but that kind of thing just bothers me . I suppose it 's a bit of an overreaction to post this , thus creating an ironic situation , but I felt it would help me be less annoyed now that I 've gotten it out of my system . So , on a moderately related note , I 've definitely been extremely busy with not only schoolwork and school - related things , but also with work and youth . This past weekend I went to Capernwray , and then tonight I had to help run a bible study , plus act in a skit . The skit was ultra - hilarious , btw . I have some other things I was planning on posting , and they 're probably more interesting , but I really wanted to tell this story . It took place when I was in grade 3 , if I remember correctly . I was just goofing around with a friend , and I fell over , and while falling , I grabbed for a desk . Unfortunately , I only ended up pushing the desk . There was a girl sitting right in front of the desk , and it hit her in the back . She started crying , and the teacher sent me down the the office . Now , being in grade 3 , I immediately did as she said , and started feeling terrible . I began to think of the possible consequences . " I 'm going to be grounded for the rest of my life ! Dad 's gonna throw me through a window ! Mr . Koehn is going to break my knees ! Maybe he 'll call home and I 'll get expelled ! " Anyways , as I came to the office , I saw Mr . Koehn just sitting there , in his little room . I walked in , sniffling , and he immediately donned his ' angry principal ' face , glaring down at me . He asked , in his gruffest , most intimidating voice " What did you do , Josh ? " I responded in the biggest voice I could make " I hit someone with a desk by accident " He didn 't seem to be so worried about my emotional state , as he only asked about how the girl was feeling . Then he told me " By tomorrow , I want you to have ' I will be more careful in my class because people might get hurt ' 20 times . Then at the bottom , I want your mom 's signature . " This here was the worst part of the punishment . I 'd take 100 un - signed lines over 20 lines and a signature . I was dead . There was no way out . I 'd have to write the lines , then tell my parents , and I was going to get shot . When I got home , I was just about to spill the beans , when I thought of an ingenious plan . Instead of getting the signature after my lines were done , I 'd get it before they were done , and do the lines after ! But how could I work that out ? Being the smart child I was , I thought of an idea . I sauntered upstairs , pretended like nothing at all happened , and then went into my room . I got a piece of paper out ofat I 'm in a drama production at my school ( PMSS ) called The Festival of Scenes . Basically just a bunch of random scenes chosen and acted out by each group , one after another , not connected in any way . A friend and I are doing a scene from The Office , and it 's pretty rad . We performed tonight , and will be performing every night until Friday . It was pretty nerve - racking at first , but I got used to it . Recently I 've really been lacking motivation to post in my blog . For a while there , I was posting 2 - 3 times per week , but now it 's dwindled down . It 's almost been a week since my last post . I 'm not sure why I 'm not as motivated to post more . . . I suppose during spring break I had a lot of spare time , whereas now I 'm fairly busy , and the only time I have free , I maximize my fun by doing stuff other than talking to the two people who actually read these posts . Well , I don 't want to be like every other blogger and only write about the fact that I don 't write much , so I 'll actually put something in here . I 'm officially addicted to Rock Band and Facebook . I 've been addicted to Facebook for a while , but I was only a Rock Band fan up until recently . When will AA expand and cover more modern addictions ? Totally hypothetically , does anyone want to lend me a console and Rock Band ? kthxbai Name : JoshuaNickname : JoshBirthday : 12 / 25 / 91Birthplace : BurnabyEye Color : BlueHair Color : BrownHeight : 6 ' 2Right Handed or Left Handed : RightYour Heritage : English / GermanWhere you want to live when you grow up : MarsThe Shoes You Wore Today : NoneYour Weakness : Probably sumo wrestlingYour Fears : Spiders , and weight lossYour Perfect Pizza : One in my stomachYour Most Overused Phrase on an instant messenger : ' haha ' Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year : Go all year without murdering any of my teachersThoughts First Waking Up : " ugh , spring break and I have to work " Your Best Physical Feature : All of meYour Bedtime : 4 : 30pmYour Most Missed Memory : PogsPepsi or Coke : CokeMcDonalds or Burger King : McDonalds . . . except I < 3 BK French Toast SticksSingle or Group Dates : " Group " meaning like double date , or like dating a large number of people . . . if it was a large number of people , I choose that oneLipton Ice Tea or Nestea : LiptonChocolate or Vanilla : VanillaCappuccino or Coffee : Hot chocolate ? Do you Sing : Definitely . I sing very loudlyDo you Shower Daily : Annually * Have you Been in Love : Yes . With AJ MaugerDo you want to go to College : Yep . BCIT . Radiology . Do you want to get Married : Isn 't this a bit quick ? I haven 't known you very long . . . Do you believe in yourself : Nope . I definitely don 't exist . Do you get Motion Sickness : NopeDo you think you are Attractive : Not extremely , just averagely attractiveAre you a Health Freak : Not at all , although I like most veggiesDo you get along with your Parents : Not particularlyDo you like Thunderstorms : I am a thunderstormIf you 're driving do you run stop signs ? It would be against the AUP to sayWhen you were little what did you want to be : A trampoline . Seriously . What 's the one thing on your mind now : Rock Bandhugs or kisses : Kisses , just to be different from AJHave you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew : ProbablyDo you stay friends with your ex 's : SometimesDo you have a secret that no one knows but you : Not really . Things you can 't live without : Food , water , oxygen , and bloodNumber of at I used to think Guitar Hero was a brilliant idea . They combine hand - eye coordination , button mashing , and good music to make a supergame ! I 've now seen the light . Rock Band is the most amazing game that was ever invented . They took Guitar Hero and improved on it greatly . They added drums and vocals , while keeping guitar and bass , and made it more of a band thing than randomly playing guitar songs . I also love how there can be four players at one time . Guitar hero allowed for . . . 2Also , the absolutely beautiful graphics on Rock Band are pretty wonderful . . . I like the rectangle - shaped notes , as opposed to the circular notes from Guitar Hero . My friends and I have developed a band , called Catz . We don 't have set instruments , as we all enjoy playing them all , but we do have set names . I 'm Chapstick , Adrian is Kitty , Erica is Woof , and Cydney is Twinkletoes . And our opening band is Meercat . They suck , and we make fun of them during our show : ) And now about music selection . Rock Band 's playlist is Absolutely Wonderful to quote DDR . It 's epic . I 'll be eating these words when something new comes out , perhaps Rock Band 2 , or whatever it may be . . . it 'll have better selection , and will have added harmonies with two mic 's , or something of the likes . Perhaps you 'll get extra points for playing upside down above your head , which is quite entertaining and difficult , to say the least : P There are a few movies I 've been wanting to see . . . first of all I wanted to see Juno , because it sounds like a really good movie . . . and unlike most movies I 've been watching recently , this one doesn 't involve explosions and gunshots . It 's good because it deals with fairly rarely talked about subjects . Then there 's Jumper and Vantage Point . I want to see both of them , but I heard Jumper is kind of lame , so I 'll see Vantage Point and maybe Jumper if I have time . Also , on a fairly unrelated note , I 've really got the hankering to watch Braveheart . So on a related note , what are you guys doing over the break ? This will be one of my more unusual posts . I suppose I 've definitely had my fair share of those . Anyways , here goes . When I lived in Korea , I was on the computer pretty much all day every day , doing schoolwork or MSN . Anyways , I did a heck of a lot of typing . I also was working through ATRT with infotech . As it worked out , I got ridiculously fast at typing , between the practice , and the lessons with ATRT . I developed a sort of mix between home row and hunt - and - peck . I use my index finger , middle finger , and ring finger on each hand to type , and my index finger on my right hand for the space bar . I 'm not sure when that started happening , because when I was doing ATRT , I was using my right thumb for space , but without noticing , I apparently stopped : SAnyways , onto the main idea . The one you 're supposed to ponder . But it 's not much of a pondering idea , more of an ' I agree with that ' idea . I noticed one day that I get frustrated when I 'm printing . For example , writing an english essay or whatever . I figured out that it 's because I get thoughts , and I can 't get them on paper before I forget them , or think of other thoughts . Because I 'm used to being able to write down my thoughts as fast as I can think them up , my mind doesn 't dwell on a thought for very long . Or maybe I have ADD . Or perhaps both . So I guess for me , it would be good to buy a nice little cheap laptop and bring it to school and type on it instead of writing stuff down . The only problem is that I wouldn 't be able to fill in worksheets as easily , especially if I had gotten used to typing everything out . Maybe I 'll just have to suck it up and wait until I 'm out of high school , and in post - secondary I 'll just do everything on a laptop . What do you think ? Do you type fast enough to keep up with your mind ? Do you get frustrated when you print / write ? I won 't even get started on how slow I write . It 'd be quicker to watch a race between two turtles across an ocean of peanut butter . But why on earth would you have a name like " oisterjosh " ? Well , it all started one day when I was in about grade 2 when my sister , her friend , and I were all walking home from school . My sister 's friend nicknamed my sister Shrimp , because she was fairly short for her age . Anyways , I was jealous that my sister had a cool nickname , and I didn 't have one . My sister 's friend replied " Well Josh , let 's make a nickname for you right now . Let 's see . . . a shrimp lives underwater and so do . . . oysters ! You can be Oyster . " I was fairly satisfied with that , so that was my nickname for a while . Then in grade 4 , when all the cool kids were getting Hotmail , I wanted one too . I was pretty much computer - illiterate at the time , as we had dial - up , so I got my dad to make one for me . My sister had just made one earlier that day , and had used ' shrimpliz ' as her email , so I asked for ' oysterjosh ' but I didn 't spell it , and apparently my dad has poor spelling capabilities , so I ended up with " oisterjosh . " Well , it just kind of stuck , and I used " oisterjosh " for everything online . With the consistency , people would rarely forget things , such as my blog 's URL . Also , it 's useful that it 's spelt wrong , because I 've never once tried to make an account somewhere and found that someone else was using that name . I 'm officially addicted to facebook . If I want to spend time on the computer , I should make a point of first going here and writing a blog post , then copying it all to Blogger . Then my fan can enjoy the stories of my life . But seriously though , I really need to get off Facebook . If they invent a patch , tell me about it . Oh and guess what happened today ? I 'll write a rough script of what was said and done . Josh : Hey Aaron , think I can jump over this fence without touching it with my feet ? Aaron : No way man , you could never do that , the fence is too high - Josh jumps over fence , but his right hand slips and as he is going over the fence , he falls down sideways - Josh : Fricken OW ! My elbow 's bleeding . . and so are my hands . . . but I told you I could do it ! Aaron : True . . . but I bet you couldn 't do it again . Yep , that 's about how it went . It was pretty good , except for the whole bleeding thing , it got on my PE shirt , which is white , but covered in dirt and stuff so it isn 't very noticeable . Recently , I 've been listening to music a lot more than usual . I can 't concentrate at all unless I have music on . It used to be that I could only concentrate well if there was music on in the background , but with headphones it was too overbearing , but now I can concentrate with headphones on too . I 'm getting pretty annoyed though , because my iPod is too small . I wish I had kept my old one . At the time , I had less than 1GB of music , but now I have more , and plus with iPodLinux , I need even more space , especially if I want to put movies on . If I sell my dirtbike , I 'm not sure what I 'll do with the money . Initially I was planning on getting an xBox 360 , but I pretty much don 't have any time any more . Maybe I 'll get a Wii , or a PS2 , because they 're cheaper . If I got a PS2 , I 'd get Rock Band and Guitar Hero 3 . Possibly DDR , but probably just RB and GH3 . I wish I could say that the only reason I haven 't been keeping up my blog is just because I 've been so busy , but the real reason is that my life just really isn 't that interesting . During the winter especially , my life gets ultra - boring . Some kids in my area play hockey at the park near my house when it 's dry out , but if there 's any precipitation then they don 't play , because sliding on ice is definitely not fun . They haven 't played in a while . Speaking of sports , ever since I quit soccer I 've been getting pretty out - of - shape . . . in the summer when I work more at the farm , I get a bit more fit , because I 'm doing a lot more physical activity . Currently though , I work very little , and the only exercise I get is in PE and walking to / from school . But anyways , there is only so much one can write about their life being boring , so I suppose I 'll stop now . Speaking of stopping , I wish my hair would just stop growing . Sometimes hair is just so annoying . So if you haven 't heard of Portal , I don 't blame you . It seems there are quite a few people who haven 't heard of it . . . It 's pretty much the most amazing game on earth . The graphics are really good , but I don 't really care too much about graphics . The gameplay is ridiculously good , and the puzzles actually force you to make strategies ahead of time , and really take some thinking . Prior to playing Portal , I thought the Zelda series had the greatest puzzles , but now I 'd have to say in some ways , Portal has better puzzles . Zelda puzzles cause you to use multiple items though , and in Portal you only have the portal gun , so in that sense , Zelda 's better . What I liked about Portal is how they did the portals . . . It 's not like you go into the portal and it warps you to another place , and you start from rest . . . The portal basically is just a hole into another room , where gravity may be different , or whatever . Pretty much another dimension . Another thing I liked about Portal is that between tense , thoughtful puzzle - solving experiences , there is narration that made me laugh so hard I cried . Not only that , but to top it all off , they added a love story in the game , one including a missed birthday party . Don 't worry , every relationship has its problems .
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How fitting I post this today because I just got finished booking our flight ! Expedition Everest Challenge , here we come . We also got our first newsletter from runDisney about EEC last week and it included a sample scavenger hunt question . I 've been stalking the internet for old race reports trying to find out more about the scavenger hunt . I 'll be honest , the questions from previous years are a little hard ; tons of people have said this part takes longer than actually running . Yikes ! Getting a practice question made me very excited to see how long it would take me to figure it out . It wasn 't hard to come up with taking the letter in the color corresponding the number and I got . . . wait . That can 't be right . That 's not a word . So , I emailed my partner to make sure the email was sent to both of us and to see what a different brain came up with . I decided that Disney accidentally made the color black instead of red , which then the answer would be RELAY . Relay . Race . Get it ? THAT made more sense . My partner assured me it was meant to be BELAY , and yes , it is a word . One quick trip to google proved that was right , and I 'm an idiot ( seriously . What would a girl like me need to know that word for ? ) . Super glad my partner rocks ! This little exercise has been a huge insight as to how I go through life . . and I will be reflecting on that later . Until then , even if we take the time limit to walk the 5k , at least I have more confidence we will kill the scavenger hunt portion and maybe get to the after party before all of the food is gone . I 'm really looking forward to riding Everest at night ! It also looks like they have finalized a course . Seeing as how the finish line is in Asia and the after party is in Dinoland , I think we will be having our celebratory Everest ride ( and possibly a Kali River Cooloff ? ) before we get to the party . Can 't wait to ride Dinosaur . Let 's see how much I can remember after 10 years ; - ) What are your thoughts on traveling for a 5k ? Even though this is a Disney race and it 's much more than a 5k , would it be worth it to you to spend that kind of money on 3 . 1 miles ? 13 . 1 Marathon Series NYC Race . The Good : I finished ! I got to have an awesome race with an awesome friend and I got to see a part of Queens I don 't think I will ever see again . Kidding . But seriously , that was a trek ! With this race , I 've successfully completed 12 half marathons in 12 months . What ? Did you know : New York 13 . 1 Marathon was run in Flushing Meadows Corona Park , home of the 1939 and 1964 World 's Fair ? This park is fully loaded with anything and everything you could want . There is a zoo , a professional Baseball field , an ice rink , multiple soccer fields , a lake , a golf course , a museum of art , a wildlife center and I 'm sure I 'm missing much more , but you can check out their website if you 're in the area . The Bad : Starting a race at 9am was a little annoying . I would 've liked to just get it over with at 7 : 30 - 8 . Giving us less time in the sun being that it is unseasonably warm . There was no serious corral system and I noticed there were a lot of first time halfers so it was a bit of a cluster , but not terrible . The Ugly : I hurt my foot : - ( Around mile 12 ( which is also the stretch where people were walking to get to the subway . Super frustrating because I was still running the race , assholes ! ) It felt like I had tied my shoe too tight . Later that night , it was swollen . Boo . Anna Banana was supposed to join us , but due to unforeseen circumstances , we had her there in spirit while sending love and prayers her way . So , instead , I got to run with the amazing Megan ! Normally she 's a super speed demon , but she 's trying to take it easy for all the races she has signed up for ( if you think my racing schedule is insane , you should see hers ! ) and she just announced she 's expecting ! YaY ! for Megs and the Hubby and YaY ! for me for getting the chance to run with her . Do not be fooled by her size , she is a ball of serious energy . And the woman is always prepared for you with anything and everything . She super rocks and I 'm so lucky to have her in my life ! I made sure to tell her I was exceptionally slow . She didn 't seem to mind , though . She was excited to see how the run / walk method worked so maybe she could incorporate it into her races more as she gets further along . In fact , it was pretty perfect . She would speed up when she saw a bathroom and then catch up with me . We chit - chatted the whole time and before we knew it ( except for mile 12 ) it was over ! I also decided this time I wouldn 't bring my camera , just my phone and see how pictures turned out . Even though , it was a little bit more of a pain , I 'd rather not carry so much stuff with me . I think the pictures came out fine , too ! The Unisphere ! This was mile 5 ( ? ) and mile 12 . When times were getting tough , I kept telling myself the ball is mile 12 . Just get back to the ball . Anyone else get cranky after a race ? I know there are a few outside factors for my specific crankiness this time , but I also have noticed a few other times I 've been seriously cranky right after crossing the finish line ( offhand , I remember WDW Half and Relay ) . I also notice these are the races I was running injured or right off an injury . It 's almost been a week and I 'm still super sore , which isn 't normal . I also took an Epsom Salt bath on Sunday after the NYCHalf , instead of an Ice Bath . I just couldn 't stomach getting cold again and I was not mentally ready to try and get myself through it . I had used all my mental toughness to get through the race . I had nothing left . Recently , I 've heard tons of great reviews about Epsom baths , so I figured why not try one now ? If they worked , it would make recovering properly so much easier . I think sometimes the process ( get the ice , fill the tub , get some tea , put on sweatshirt , get in tub , put in ice . Add more ice because the first bag has already melted . Sit for 20 minutes . get out . Dry off . Wait for body temp to rise - sometimes I dont do that . Take proper shower ) takes longer than actually running the race . So , I stopped at the local Duane Reade on the way home from the race and got me some . Is it just me or are the instructions confusing ? How the hell am I supposed to know how many gallons my bathtub is ? How much is a fourth of the bag ? Am I making a paste ? Did you know you can ingest this stuff ? If I do that , do I still have to sit in this tub ? Depending on what ails you , depends on how you use it . It 's like a the Jack of all Trades with all the things it cures . It sounded like the wonder drug that was too good to be true . . . and it was . Here I am , a good 5 days later , I 'm still sore and I 'm still cranky . Did I not follow the directions correctly ? Is there a trick to it no one let me in on ? Boo . I guess it 's back to ice baths for me . I can 't afford to be this sore for 2 more weeks with 2 more weekends of races . My next question is , if crankiness happens to you , how long does it usually last ? I feel like I might be the exception here . It 's Friday and I still can 't shake this mood . It would be nice if I 'd start liking to be around myself soon . Ending on a semi positive note ( so hopefully yall will still like me ! ) . I 'm getting ready for another 13 . 1 , the last of the 3 halfs in a month . ( next weekend is only a 10 miler : - ) then I need a long nap . Even though this was supposed to be positive , I just realized I don 't have my Garmin charger or my ipod shuffle charger . Tomorrow morning is going to be interesting to say the least . Who else is racing this weekend ? Have you ever forgotten something for race day ? I woke up exhausted and not in the mood for running , much less running faster than I had in weeks . That 3 hour time limit freaked me out almost as much as it did last year . I knew it was going to be really hard ; My poor body doesn 't seem like it 's ever going to get better . My outfit cheered me up , but not enough to make me that excited to leave a perfectly warm bed . I did anyway . $ 128 is far too much money to have spent on a race just to sleep in . The park wasn 't as much of a mad house as I thought it was going to be . As I waited for friends to come from bag check , the flow of runners was relatively smooth . The majority of them were coming from the east side ( which is the way you had to go if you were checking a bag ) and it only started to get congested as it got closer to start time . Once I spotted my friends , we jumped in the corral . It was amazing to see the port - a - potties were literally IN the corrals . I remembered them saying this happens , but this was the first time I have ever seen it . The problem ? The lines were OUTSIDE the corrals , so even though you were in the corral , like you were supposed to be , people who weren 't in your corral were in line for your potties . SUPER frustrating . So we jumped out of the corral and went a few corrals ahead bc their line was shorter . The race started in Central Park ( which I didn 't take any pictures of because 1 . I take pictures in there all the time and 2 . I was psyching myself up for Harlem Hill and making sure I ran fast enough to get out of the park without being swept . ) This is also where I was clocking some really good time , which I knew would screw me later on , but I couldn 't help it . You run counter - clockwise from 72nd - ish , back to the start and then down Broadway into Time Square , which is where our picture tour will start . Looping back around to the start . True story : The elite men had already gotten to this point and I hadn 't crossed the start line yet . Coming out of the park onto Broadway . LOVED getting to see my running partner . Even though , she should 've been running it with me ( damn you , lottery system ! ) it was awesome to have my own personal spectator . It really helps having people along the course . See that Police Dept ? When I first moved here , I went in there to ask for directions . They weren 't amused . but how the hell was I supposed to know ? Dallas BBQ . Favorite Happy Hour Spot when I 'm in Midtown . And one of my favorite TNT coaches as it would turn out ! It was so awesome getting to see Coach Erin again . She ran a second with me to catch up a little and see how I was doing ( once a coach , always a coach ! ) . That was super awesome , too ! Sorry about the traffic , people ! I was so ready to be done with this race before it even started , and the few course quirks pissed me off more than they should have . Even worse ? There was a clusterf * ck to get out of the finisher 's area . Some genius decided it would be an awesome plan to have a restaurant set up a table of coffee and pancakes sandwiched between a gate and where runners had to funnel through to get out . Then , after I had walked around the block , in pain with the slowest moving humans ever , they decided to open the gate . Thanks a lot , NYRR . Did you have a brainfart in planning this event ? Seriously . We had decided to take a cab back into civilization ( because what the hell is that far south in Manhattan on a Sunday ? ) and I wanted to get far away from people , but surprise surprise . No cabs . Plan B : Walk to the closest subway . That was another clusterf * ck I was not sure I was getting out of without a criminal record ; so we continued onward and stumbled upon a nearly empty Five Guys . What ? ! Score . I refueled quicker than I thought I was going to be able to ( word to the wise : it 's in everyone 's best interest if you feed me ASAP after a race ) . Even better ? By the time we were ready to tackle the subway , the crowd had subsided . I was in a much better mood . The End . Even though , it was very cool to get to run my runniversary race ( especially because it was a lottery system and I live in NYC ) , I need to get faster in order to even consider entering the lottery again . Worrying whether I 'm physically going to be able to finish a race is one thing , but the added stress of making sure it 's within a time limit is a recipe for some serious self inflicted mental terrorism I don 't need . But we will see . Who knows what proper rest and training can do for a girl ? taken from my TNT fund - raiser page . My , how far we 've come ! Seeing that I can move my body at a semi - normal rate , I will recap . Earlier this week , I was pretty sure at any moment my right leg was going to detach itself . It was just another Sunday morning . Except this one , I woke up at 4AM and got myself to the TNT meeting place by 6AM ( Did anyone else see the super moon ? That was insane ! ) . And it was freezing . I was really glad I decided to wear capris , but the short sleeved shirt wasn 't really working . I had a throw away shirt on ( there were garbage cans along the start where people would pick them up and donate all the clothes to a shelter ) but it was not enough . This is me and all my favorites in the corrals before the start . Within the hour before the start , I peed 4 times . Seriously . Even as we were moving forward in the corrals ( which is what they call the area the runners wait in before the race ) I saw another set of Port - a - Pottys and I jumped out to go again . I 'm blaming this on nerves and the extra hydrating I did because I didn 't want to need water as bad as I did during our practice runs ( which hydrating before is a good plan , I found out almost too late ) . Luckily once we started going , I didn 't stop again until I got to the finish line . Part 1 : Your head . Don 't go out too fast . I listened to that part , but after the first mile of going an entire 2 minutes slower than I wanted , I concentrated on making up that time . It took us 15 minutes from the time the race officially started to cross the start line . I don 't remember seeing anyone at the beginning of the race , but once we got down to the 7th Ave entrance of the park , there was a huge crowd of people . More than I 've ever experienced running in a race . It was a really awesome start . I don 't know if I regret putting my name on my shirt or not , but I felt I had to thank everyone who cheered for me personally . This did not help my focus , but it was fun . Even though this part of the races included all the hills , I still picked up my pace . I smiled and told Harlem Hill hello . I saw Coach Barb at the end of the hills and that helped pick me up again . The Central Park stretch of the race was not as crowded with spectators . I was ready to get out of the park . It was boring and mundane as I 've been running it for the past 4 months . It was getting frustrating at parts because I was ready to run through Time Square ! Part 2 : Your legs . This part you were supposed to run how your legs were feeling . I didn 't really care how they were feeling , I was going to finish in under 3 hours whether they liked it or not , so I kept going . Amazingly , I kept gaining back the time I lost in the beginning . Every 5k , I kept getting faster . As I was just about to exit the park , I saw my family friends from CT . It was my first sighting of people I knew and it was awesome ! I was going to stop and give them hugs , but 1 . This was mile 7 and I was pretty gross and 2 . I was still really concerned about my time . So there I went . Running down the middle of 7th Ave . You know in movies when you see the streets of New York vacant ? It was like that , but for real . I made sure to run in the middle to get the full effect . I know I should have taken more time to notice things , but I was in full focus mode . This was the only time I pOnce I got down to 42nd , I spotted Anna Banana ! ! I was so happy to see her ! I had missed her the past couple of practices and we had much to catch up on , but she reminded me I was running a race and I continued on . This is the pic she captured as I got to her . I was so excited ( even if I look like I want to die in the pic ) . A few blocks up , I ran into Coach Erin who ran with me for a bit . I was still nervous about time but she reminded me I made it out of the park without anyone trying to put me in a van ( most races have a time limit and if you fall behind the time limit , they will make you get in a van so they can drive you to the finish . ) so I was golden . Even though she told me this , I still didn 't believe her and continued to push forward . Part 3 : Your heart . Ok , so remember how I told you , when training for a half you only run up to 10 miles ? Well , this was it . I had to trust my training to get me the last 3 miles . This was about the point where I was ready to die . I kept telling myself " it 's just a 5K , that 's all you have left ! You 've run 2 5Ks in 2 days . This is cake . " Yes , I was lying to myself because , seriously guys , I don 't think I 've ever felt closer to death . My feet were hurting and every step reminded me I had a hip flexor and it was VERY angry with me . I would scream out loud every time I would start running again . I had to keep reminding myself to keep moving forward . It didn 't matter how fast I was going anymore . Time didn 't matter at this point . I had sped up enough , I felt it was ok to stop beating myself up about going faster and concentrate on just moving . I had to keep reminding myself that the first time I ran 6 miles it was tough ; this was the same thing . When I reached 800 meters to the finish line , I just stayed running . I knew if I stopped , I wouldn 't be able to start again . At this point , I ran into Coach Rachel and Coach Xavie . They chatted with me for a second ( which I really needed ) . They told me I looked good ( which I 'm sure was an out right lie , but I took it . ) and let me run in on my own . It took me a second to realize it was over . I kept running until I saw a group of people hanging out and that 's when I realized that someone in this group of people was going to put a medal around my neck . I had finished a half marathon . That thought still hasn 't set in yet . From this point on , it was a blur . I remember walking for a very long time to get to the TNT tent to check out and let them know I hadn 't died . Then I headed to the pub where all my friends were meeting . I was really glad Mr . John , Mrs . Jeannine and Becca were there because I was on another planet as far as directions and doing anything was concerned . The after party was tons of fun . It was so nice having friends and family there . We talked about the race and had a fabulous time . I had my first beer ( or two ) in months . After brunch , we headed home where I had a much needed shower and rest . " The miracle isn 't that I finished , the miracle is that I had the courage to start " Awesome sidenote : The other night I participated in a runchat on twitter sponsored by Tommie Copper . Afterwards , they gave us vouchers for a pair of compression sleeves for those running the NYCHalf . How exciting right ? ! I had no idea which ones I wanted to try , but after talking to the super friendly guy , I decided on knee sleeves . I can 't wait to try them after the half on Sunday and I will be more than happy to tell yall all about it ! Now , to the expo . It was bigger than last year ( surprisingly , since the RnR : DC is this weekend , also ) , but still a sad excuse for such a big race . The official merchandise was seriously lacking . Nothing screamed " OMG ! You need me in your life ! " - except maybe the cute hat , but eh . Same crappy brand tshirt that still doesn 't fit right even going up a size this year . Oh well . I will admit , the design of that is cuter than the ones they 're trying to sell people . I also found out , the race is going the opposite direction around Central Park than it did last year ( so much for studying up before the race ) . I think I was willing it not to be so , because that means we go up Harlem Hill counterclockwise . That means , I 'm going to hate my life for a mile and a half . Kind of glad I found out about it early , but maybe surprising me that morning might have been a better plan ; that way I 'm already there and I am less likely to get out of it . This was not good news . I almost regret looking at the medal beforehand , that 's how not jazzed I am about putting it around my neck . I picked it up and felt like a Mardi Gras doubloon . . thin and cheap . I 've clearly been quite spoiled with my medals , but when a race costs $ 128 , I 'd expect something a little more substantial . But that 's just me being a medal snob . Is this going to be how the NYCM feels ? Just like another NYRR ? That 's going to suck . Or maybe in the one year of running , I 've become a jaded New York runner ? Maybe I should 've run the RnR DC ; I would definitely be singing NYRR 's praises after that . Either way , I need to figure out how to get motivated for this race bc between all that and the pain I will be in . . . well , I don 't want to jinx myself .
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How fitting I post this today because I just got finished booking our flight ! Expedition Everest Challenge , here we come . We also got our first newsletter from runDisney about EEC last week and it included a sample scavenger hunt question . I 've been stalking the internet for old race reports trying to find out more about the scavenger hunt . I 'll be honest , the questions from previous years are a little hard ; tons of people have said this part takes longer than actually running . Yikes ! Getting a practice question made me very excited to see how long it would take me to figure it out . It wasn 't hard to come up with taking the letter in the color corresponding the number and I got . . . wait . That can 't be right . That 's not a word . So , I emailed my partner to make sure the email was sent to both of us and to see what a different brain came up with . I decided that Disney accidentally made the color black instead of red , which then the answer would be RELAY . Relay . Race . Get it ? THAT made more sense . My partner assured me it was meant to be BELAY , and yes , it is a word . One quick trip to google proved that was right , and I 'm an idiot ( seriously . What would a girl like me need to know that word for ? ) . Super glad my partner rocks ! This little exercise has been a huge insight as to how I go through life . . and I will be reflecting on that later . Until then , even if we take the time limit to walk the 5k , at least I have more confidence we will kill the scavenger hunt portion and maybe get to the after party before all of the food is gone . I 'm really looking forward to riding Everest at night ! It also looks like they have finalized a course . Seeing as how the finish line is in Asia and the after party is in Dinoland , I think we will be having our celebratory Everest ride ( and possibly a Kali River Cooloff ? ) before we get to the party . Can 't wait to ride Dinosaur . Let 's see how much I can remember after 10 years ; - ) What are your thoughts on traveling for a 5k ? Even though this is a Disney race and it 's much more than a 5k , would it be worth it to you to spend that kind of money on 3 . 1 miles ? 13 . 1 Marathon Series NYC Race . The Good : I finished ! I got to have an awesome race with an awesome friend and I got to see a part of Queens I don 't think I will ever see again . Kidding . But seriously , that was a trek ! With this race , I 've successfully completed 12 half marathons in 12 months . What ? Did you know : New York 13 . 1 Marathon was run in Flushing Meadows Corona Park , home of the 1939 and 1964 World 's Fair ? This park is fully loaded with anything and everything you could want . There is a zoo , a professional Baseball field , an ice rink , multiple soccer fields , a lake , a golf course , a museum of art , a wildlife center and I 'm sure I 'm missing much more , but you can check out their website if you 're in the area . The Bad : Starting a race at 9am was a little annoying . I would 've liked to just get it over with at 7 : 30 - 8 . Giving us less time in the sun being that it is unseasonably warm . There was no serious corral system and I noticed there were a lot of first time halfers so it was a bit of a cluster , but not terrible . The Ugly : I hurt my foot : - ( Around mile 12 ( which is also the stretch where people were walking to get to the subway . Super frustrating because I was still running the race , assholes ! ) It felt like I had tied my shoe too tight . Later that night , it was swollen . Boo . Anna Banana was supposed to join us , but due to unforeseen circumstances , we had her there in spirit while sending love and prayers her way . So , instead , I got to run with the amazing Megan ! Normally she 's a super speed demon , but she 's trying to take it easy for all the races she has signed up for ( if you think my racing schedule is insane , you should see hers ! ) and she just announced she 's expecting ! YaY ! for Megs and the Hubby and YaY ! for me for getting the chance to run with her . Do not be fooled by her size , she is a ball of serious energy . And the woman is always prepared for you with anything and everything . She super rocks and I 'm so lucky to have her in my life ! I made sure to tell her I was exceptionally slow . She didn 't seem to mind , though . She was excited to see how the run / walk method worked so maybe she could incorporate it into her races more as she gets further along . In fact , it was pretty perfect . She would speed up when she saw a bathroom and then catch up with me . We chit - chatted the whole time and before we knew it ( except for mile 12 ) it was over ! I also decided this time I wouldn 't bring my camera , just my phone and see how pictures turned out . Even though , it was a little bit more of a pain , I 'd rather not carry so much stuff with me . I think the pictures came out fine , too ! The Unisphere ! This was mile 5 ( ? ) and mile 12 . When times were getting tough , I kept telling myself the ball is mile 12 . Just get back to the ball . Anyone else get cranky after a race ? I know there are a few outside factors for my specific crankiness this time , but I also have noticed a few other times I 've been seriously cranky right after crossing the finish line ( offhand , I remember WDW Half and Relay ) . I also notice these are the races I was running injured or right off an injury . It 's almost been a week and I 'm still super sore , which isn 't normal . I also took an Epsom Salt bath on Sunday after the NYCHalf , instead of an Ice Bath . I just couldn 't stomach getting cold again and I was not mentally ready to try and get myself through it . I had used all my mental toughness to get through the race . I had nothing left . Recently , I 've heard tons of great reviews about Epsom baths , so I figured why not try one now ? If they worked , it would make recovering properly so much easier . I think sometimes the process ( get the ice , fill the tub , get some tea , put on sweatshirt , get in tub , put in ice . Add more ice because the first bag has already melted . Sit for 20 minutes . get out . Dry off . Wait for body temp to rise - sometimes I dont do that . Take proper shower ) takes longer than actually running the race . So , I stopped at the local Duane Reade on the way home from the race and got me some . Is it just me or are the instructions confusing ? How the hell am I supposed to know how many gallons my bathtub is ? How much is a fourth of the bag ? Am I making a paste ? Did you know you can ingest this stuff ? If I do that , do I still have to sit in this tub ? Depending on what ails you , depends on how you use it . It 's like a the Jack of all Trades with all the things it cures . It sounded like the wonder drug that was too good to be true . . . and it was . Here I am , a good 5 days later , I 'm still sore and I 'm still cranky . Did I not follow the directions correctly ? Is there a trick to it no one let me in on ? Boo . I guess it 's back to ice baths for me . I can 't afford to be this sore for 2 more weeks with 2 more weekends of races . My next question is , if crankiness happens to you , how long does it usually last ? I feel like I might be the exception here . It 's Friday and I still can 't shake this mood . It would be nice if I 'd start liking to be around myself soon . Ending on a semi positive note ( so hopefully yall will still like me ! ) . I 'm getting ready for another 13 . 1 , the last of the 3 halfs in a month . ( next weekend is only a 10 miler : - ) then I need a long nap . Even though this was supposed to be positive , I just realized I don 't have my Garmin charger or my ipod shuffle charger . Tomorrow morning is going to be interesting to say the least . Who else is racing this weekend ? Have you ever forgotten something for race day ? I woke up exhausted and not in the mood for running , much less running faster than I had in weeks . That 3 hour time limit freaked me out almost as much as it did last year . I knew it was going to be really hard ; My poor body doesn 't seem like it 's ever going to get better . My outfit cheered me up , but not enough to make me that excited to leave a perfectly warm bed . I did anyway . $ 128 is far too much money to have spent on a race just to sleep in . The park wasn 't as much of a mad house as I thought it was going to be . As I waited for friends to come from bag check , the flow of runners was relatively smooth . The majority of them were coming from the east side ( which is the way you had to go if you were checking a bag ) and it only started to get congested as it got closer to start time . Once I spotted my friends , we jumped in the corral . It was amazing to see the port - a - potties were literally IN the corrals . I remembered them saying this happens , but this was the first time I have ever seen it . The problem ? The lines were OUTSIDE the corrals , so even though you were in the corral , like you were supposed to be , people who weren 't in your corral were in line for your potties . SUPER frustrating . So we jumped out of the corral and went a few corrals ahead bc their line was shorter . The race started in Central Park ( which I didn 't take any pictures of because 1 . I take pictures in there all the time and 2 . I was psyching myself up for Harlem Hill and making sure I ran fast enough to get out of the park without being swept . ) This is also where I was clocking some really good time , which I knew would screw me later on , but I couldn 't help it . You run counter - clockwise from 72nd - ish , back to the start and then down Broadway into Time Square , which is where our picture tour will start . Looping back around to the start . True story : The elite men had already gotten to this point and I hadn 't crossed the start line yet . Coming out of the park onto Broadway . LOVED getting to see my running partner . Even though , she should 've been running it with me ( damn you , lottery system ! ) it was awesome to have my own personal spectator . It really helps having people along the course . See that Police Dept ? When I first moved here , I went in there to ask for directions . They weren 't amused . but how the hell was I supposed to know ? Dallas BBQ . Favorite Happy Hour Spot when I 'm in Midtown . And one of my favorite TNT coaches as it would turn out ! It was so awesome getting to see Coach Erin again . She ran a second with me to catch up a little and see how I was doing ( once a coach , always a coach ! ) . That was super awesome , too ! Sorry about the traffic , people ! I was so ready to be done with this race before it even started , and the few course quirks pissed me off more than they should have . Even worse ? There was a clusterf * ck to get out of the finisher 's area . Some genius decided it would be an awesome plan to have a restaurant set up a table of coffee and pancakes sandwiched between a gate and where runners had to funnel through to get out . Then , after I had walked around the block , in pain with the slowest moving humans ever , they decided to open the gate . Thanks a lot , NYRR . Did you have a brainfart in planning this event ? Seriously . We had decided to take a cab back into civilization ( because what the hell is that far south in Manhattan on a Sunday ? ) and I wanted to get far away from people , but surprise surprise . No cabs . Plan B : Walk to the closest subway . That was another clusterf * ck I was not sure I was getting out of without a criminal record ; so we continued onward and stumbled upon a nearly empty Five Guys . What ? ! Score . I refueled quicker than I thought I was going to be able to ( word to the wise : it 's in everyone 's best interest if you feed me ASAP after a race ) . Even better ? By the time we were ready to tackle the subway , the crowd had subsided . I was in a much better mood . The End . Even though , it was very cool to get to run my runniversary race ( especially because it was a lottery system and I live in NYC ) , I need to get faster in order to even consider entering the lottery again . Worrying whether I 'm physically going to be able to finish a race is one thing , but the added stress of making sure it 's within a time limit is a recipe for some serious self inflicted mental terrorism I don 't need . But we will see . Who knows what proper rest and training can do for a girl ? taken from my TNT fund - raiser page . My , how far we 've come ! Seeing that I can move my body at a semi - normal rate , I will recap . Earlier this week , I was pretty sure at any moment my right leg was going to detach itself . It was just another Sunday morning . Except this one , I woke up at 4AM and got myself to the TNT meeting place by 6AM ( Did anyone else see the super moon ? That was insane ! ) . And it was freezing . I was really glad I decided to wear capris , but the short sleeved shirt wasn 't really working . I had a throw away shirt on ( there were garbage cans along the start where people would pick them up and donate all the clothes to a shelter ) but it was not enough . This is me and all my favorites in the corrals before the start . Within the hour before the start , I peed 4 times . Seriously . Even as we were moving forward in the corrals ( which is what they call the area the runners wait in before the race ) I saw another set of Port - a - Pottys and I jumped out to go again . I 'm blaming this on nerves and the extra hydrating I did because I didn 't want to need water as bad as I did during our practice runs ( which hydrating before is a good plan , I found out almost too late ) . Luckily once we started going , I didn 't stop again until I got to the finish line . Part 1 : Your head . Don 't go out too fast . I listened to that part , but after the first mile of going an entire 2 minutes slower than I wanted , I concentrated on making up that time . It took us 15 minutes from the time the race officially started to cross the start line . I don 't remember seeing anyone at the beginning of the race , but once we got down to the 7th Ave entrance of the park , there was a huge crowd of people . More than I 've ever experienced running in a race . It was a really awesome start . I don 't know if I regret putting my name on my shirt or not , but I felt I had to thank everyone who cheered for me personally . This did not help my focus , but it was fun . Even though this part of the races included all the hills , I still picked up my pace . I smiled and told Harlem Hill hello . I saw Coach Barb at the end of the hills and that helped pick me up again . The Central Park stretch of the race was not as crowded with spectators . I was ready to get out of the park . It was boring and mundane as I 've been running it for the past 4 months . It was getting frustrating at parts because I was ready to run through Time Square ! Part 2 : Your legs . This part you were supposed to run how your legs were feeling . I didn 't really care how they were feeling , I was going to finish in under 3 hours whether they liked it or not , so I kept going . Amazingly , I kept gaining back the time I lost in the beginning . Every 5k , I kept getting faster . As I was just about to exit the park , I saw my family friends from CT . It was my first sighting of people I knew and it was awesome ! I was going to stop and give them hugs , but 1 . This was mile 7 and I was pretty gross and 2 . I was still really concerned about my time . So there I went . Running down the middle of 7th Ave . You know in movies when you see the streets of New York vacant ? It was like that , but for real . I made sure to run in the middle to get the full effect . I know I should have taken more time to notice things , but I was in full focus mode . This was the only time I pOnce I got down to 42nd , I spotted Anna Banana ! ! I was so happy to see her ! I had missed her the past couple of practices and we had much to catch up on , but she reminded me I was running a race and I continued on . This is the pic she captured as I got to her . I was so excited ( even if I look like I want to die in the pic ) . A few blocks up , I ran into Coach Erin who ran with me for a bit . I was still nervous about time but she reminded me I made it out of the park without anyone trying to put me in a van ( most races have a time limit and if you fall behind the time limit , they will make you get in a van so they can drive you to the finish . ) so I was golden . Even though she told me this , I still didn 't believe her and continued to push forward . Part 3 : Your heart . Ok , so remember how I told you , when training for a half you only run up to 10 miles ? Well , this was it . I had to trust my training to get me the last 3 miles . This was about the point where I was ready to die . I kept telling myself " it 's just a 5K , that 's all you have left ! You 've run 2 5Ks in 2 days . This is cake . " Yes , I was lying to myself because , seriously guys , I don 't think I 've ever felt closer to death . My feet were hurting and every step reminded me I had a hip flexor and it was VERY angry with me . I would scream out loud every time I would start running again . I had to keep reminding myself to keep moving forward . It didn 't matter how fast I was going anymore . Time didn 't matter at this point . I had sped up enough , I felt it was ok to stop beating myself up about going faster and concentrate on just moving . I had to keep reminding myself that the first time I ran 6 miles it was tough ; this was the same thing . When I reached 800 meters to the finish line , I just stayed running . I knew if I stopped , I wouldn 't be able to start again . At this point , I ran into Coach Rachel and Coach Xavie . They chatted with me for a second ( which I really needed ) . They told me I looked good ( which I 'm sure was an out right lie , but I took it . ) and let me run in on my own . It took me a second to realize it was over . I kept running until I saw a group of people hanging out and that 's when I realized that someone in this group of people was going to put a medal around my neck . I had finished a half marathon . That thought still hasn 't set in yet . From this point on , it was a blur . I remember walking for a very long time to get to the TNT tent to check out and let them know I hadn 't died . Then I headed to the pub where all my friends were meeting . I was really glad Mr . John , Mrs . Jeannine and Becca were there because I was on another planet as far as directions and doing anything was concerned . The after party was tons of fun . It was so nice having friends and family there . We talked about the race and had a fabulous time . I had my first beer ( or two ) in months . After brunch , we headed home where I had a much needed shower and rest . " The miracle isn 't that I finished , the miracle is that I had the courage to start " Awesome sidenote : The other night I participated in a runchat on twitter sponsored by Tommie Copper . Afterwards , they gave us vouchers for a pair of compression sleeves for those running the NYCHalf . How exciting right ? ! I had no idea which ones I wanted to try , but after talking to the super friendly guy , I decided on knee sleeves . I can 't wait to try them after the half on Sunday and I will be more than happy to tell yall all about it ! Now , to the expo . It was bigger than last year ( surprisingly , since the RnR : DC is this weekend , also ) , but still a sad excuse for such a big race . The official merchandise was seriously lacking . Nothing screamed " OMG ! You need me in your life ! " - except maybe the cute hat , but eh . Same crappy brand tshirt that still doesn 't fit right even going up a size this year . Oh well . I will admit , the design of that is cuter than the ones they 're trying to sell people . I also found out , the race is going the opposite direction around Central Park than it did last year ( so much for studying up before the race ) . I think I was willing it not to be so , because that means we go up Harlem Hill counterclockwise . That means , I 'm going to hate my life for a mile and a half . Kind of glad I found out about it early , but maybe surprising me that morning might have been a better plan ; that way I 'm already there and I am less likely to get out of it . This was not good news . I almost regret looking at the medal beforehand , that 's how not jazzed I am about putting it around my neck . I picked it up and felt like a Mardi Gras doubloon . . thin and cheap . I 've clearly been quite spoiled with my medals , but when a race costs $ 128 , I 'd expect something a little more substantial . But that 's just me being a medal snob . Is this going to be how the NYCM feels ? Just like another NYRR ? That 's going to suck . Or maybe in the one year of running , I 've become a jaded New York runner ? Maybe I should 've run the RnR DC ; I would definitely be singing NYRR 's praises after that . Either way , I need to figure out how to get motivated for this race bc between all that and the pain I will be in . . . well , I don 't want to jinx myself .
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Sleep is a problem at the South Pole . Due to the effective altitude of the Pole , there 's much less oxygen available , so most people suffer from decreased sleep for at least the first couple of weeks . Some people develop a sleep apnea which could prove fatal . Fortunately , that 's extremely rare . I generally woke up at least once a night , but usually managed to get around 5 - 6 hours of sleep , and actually felt pretty good most of the time . One of my colleagues couldn 't sleep more than 4 hours a night . After leaving the ice , I 've been under various stresses ( worrying about lining up my travel and accomodations for the rest of the week , getting up early to catch the train , etc . ) and didn 't get a really good night 's sleep . Yesterday I arrived in Wellington after a nice train and ferry ride and after wandering around a bit and getting supper , I came back to my room , watched a bit of video on my computer , then fell asleep at around 9PM and didn 't wake up until 6AM . It was GREAT ! After waking up , I even laid in bed for a couple more hours , reading and listening to podcasts ! Then , to complete the morning , I took a shower ! After weeks of 2 minute showers , I still feel a little decadent taking a lengthy 6 minute shower . I 'm sure the feeling will wear off soon , but it 's fun to get so much enjoyment out of a previously mundane task . I 've spent the morning reading email and webpages , and writing these blog posts . Now I 'm going to grab some lunch and then head to Te Papa , the museum a few blocks from here . Blue boot Originally uploaded by dglo . Here 's a picture of the blue boot mentioned in my previous post , with my foot providing a bit of scale . I 've got on a thick insulated sock , so my foot looks a little larger than it actually is . They 're bulky but keep your feet nice and toasty when you 're standing outside for an extended period of time . I always felt a bit like Frankenstein 's monster clomping around in them . I 'm in Christchurch ! The last plane out was supposed to leave sometime between the 17th and the 24th . Unfortunately , the weather on Antarctica turns bad fast . On the 17th , they decided that the weather forecast was looking ugly , so they announced that everyone was going home that day . Of course , the weather at McMurdo didn 't cooperate , and they ended up cancelling the flights that day . One the 18th , they had the first plane of returnees scheduled to fly at 11 : 30 and the second plane scheduled for 1PM . They must have really wanted us out of there , because both flights left an hour early . Being on the last flight out was a unique experience . We waved goodbye to the ' winter - overs ' ( the people who are going to stay there until the next plane arrives at the end of October ) and got on the plane . The plane took off and then a minute or less after we were airborne , the soldier in charge of the passengers signalled that we could get up and look out the windows . The pilot then proceeded to do a couple of long banking turns around the station and then flew low and fast past the assembled winter - overs as a final goodbye . Several people were competing for the small window I was at , so I didn 't really see much except a couple of the visibility markers and the runway , but it was fun to be a part of the ' last goodbye ' . After that bit of excitement , we settled into the routine 3 hour flight to McMurdo where we met up with the passengers from the first flight and , after a couple of hours on the ground , another 5 hour flight from McMurdo to Christchurch . Once in Christchurch , we needed to walk the mile or so from the airplane , through the International terminal and through a bunch of parking lots to the Antarctic Center . It 's funny to think about the unsuspecting travellers watching this parade of people , many still dressed in pieces of extreme cold weather gear , making their way through the International terminal . One of the distinctive pieces of ECW gear is the blue boot ( thick boots which keep your feet nice and warm ) and the passagePosted by Jamesway and berms Originally uploaded by dglo . Here 's a somewhat murky view of the Jamesways , taken from the main station . The Jamesways are those buildings in the middle of the picture . Behind them are the berms , which is basically the outdoor warehouse for all the equipment and materials which won 't be harmed by the winter cold . Over the winter , the snow will pile up against and even cover the berms and Jamesways . One of the first summer jobs for the heavy equipment operators ( after clearing off the runway so planes can land ) is to dig out the berms and Jamesways . If you click on the picture and then squint at the blob in the middle left of the picture , you might even be able to see the pile of spools ! Inside room Originally uploaded by dglo . Here are a couple of pictures of my room in the main station . It 's not clear from the first picture , but that 's a desk next to the bed . The bed is about four feet off the floor . There is a chest of drawers underneath it . Posted by During our orientation in McMurdo , they mentioned the South Pole ruor mill , and cautioned us to take all rumors with a grain of salt . The rumors have been flying fast over the past 24 hours . At around midnight , one of the other guys on the project came in and said he 'd heard we were flying to McMurdo on the 17th . That rumor kept going strong , with people saying the early exit was due to ( a ) McMurdo wanting to shut down and send all their extra people home or ( b ) because the National Guardsmen who fly the planes to the U . S . bases on Antarctica want to go home . I took a nap from around 3PM until 6 : 30PM and when I got up , people were saying that we " soft closers " were likely to fly out on Sunday . The IceCube section of B2 Science is right next to the Meteorology guys , whose primary job down here is forecasting weather for the flights into the Pole . A short while ago , one of the guys came by and told us that the forecasting models are saying that visibility will be low tomorrow , so it 's unlikely that any flights would be leaving tomorrow , including the flight which was to take people directly from here to Christchurch via a transfer in McMurdo . I wonder what the rumor mill will be saying tomorrow ? After the first few days here , I settled into a routine . I 'd wake up at around 5 or 6 PM , do my morning cleanup , then go up and have some " breakfast " ( which , half the time , was whatever was for supper ) . After that , I 'd work for 12 - 14 hours , broken up by midrats and breakfast , then I 'd head to bed at around 8AM . That schedule slowly drifted until by the beginning of the week I was getting up at 7PM and going to back to my room at 10 or 11AM . We 're taking the last plane out of here and that plane leaves between the 17th and the 24th , depending on the weather . A couple of days ago , in preparation for returning to civilization , I started breaking that routine . I 'm trying to work an additional hour each day , so that I 'll be closer to a normal New Zealand day when we leave . Today I woke up at around 10 : 30PM ( and it was shower day , so I got my luxurious 2 minute shower ! ) and will try to stay up until 4PMThere will be an additional break in my routine today , however . Since today is the 16th , and the weather could turn ugly at any minute , we need to have everything except our carry - on luggage packed and at the loading point by 5PM today . This means that I need to pack everything I 'll need for the next week in my backpack ( along with my laptop and accessories ) and put out the rest of my bags . That 's not the bad part , however . We need to bag - drag at 7PM . That means we 'll need to put on our ECW gear , take our carry - on stuff and hike out to the Jamesway area to be weighed in with all our luggage . After that , we wave goodbye to our checked luggage ( which will sit on a pallet until it 's unloaded in McMurdo ) and tromp back to the main station . Note that bag - drag time - - 7PM . Note also that I 'm going to try to stay up until 4PM today . It 's going to be a LOOONNNG night . . . A few days ago , we figured out the root cause behind the bad performance we 've been seeing in our DAQ ( data acquisition ) software over the past year or so . It turned out to be due to a design flaw in a bit of software which reads in data for the various pieces of the DAQ . As a result , I 've been working furiously to fix it . After around 28 hours of work over the past two and a half days , I finally got it working ! This is a major step in getting the DAQ stable , and seeing the software running filled me with such elation that I was literally bouncing around the room . For the first time since I 've gotten to the Pole , I feel like we have a very good chance of actually having things working before we leave next week ! This also means that , after the silence of the past few days , I 'll have time to post to this blog again ! Me at Pole Originally uploaded by dglo . Here are the pictures of me at the South Pole . There are two " South Poles " , the ceremonial one which fits most people 's image of what the South Pole should look like , and the geographic South Pole , which is a plain scientific marker indicating the position of the South Pole . The geographic marker needs to be moved every year , because the South Pole station is built on top of miles of ice and that ice is continously in motion , like a gigantic glacier . As you can see in the second picture , the ceremonial and geographic poles are quite close together this year . In the background , you can see the main station , where I 'll be staying for the rest of my visit ( another 7 - 10 days ) . I moved out of summer camp just in time ; on my first ' night ' in the station , the temperature dropped to - 50F with - 75F wind chill and has maintained that temperature ever since . The third picture shows the old dome ( you may need to click on it to see the larger version ) . The dome was built in 1975 and used to be the central location for all activities . It 's now almost buried in snow and the pressure of all that snow on the outside walls is causing the dome to start to collapse . In the next couple of years , it will be disassembled , shipped north and reassembled in California . Today , I woke up after 4 . 5 continuous hours of sleep ( and about 7 . 5 total hours of sleep ) , which is a new record for me at Pole ! After I woke up , I fired up my laptop and found an email msg telling me I could move into the main station ! Summer season is winding down , so the station is down to 180 people after starting the week at around 250 , and more will be leaving over the next 5 days . My group is staying until the last possible plane , however , so they 've let me move into an empty room in the main station . I hauled a load of my stuff from the Jamesway to the main station , then headed into the galley for the evening 's repast , filet mignon and crab legs . After supper , it took two more trips to haul all my stuff over to the main station . I worked for a bit , and then a group of us went and played Settlers of Cataan for a few hours . After that , I spent the next 8 hours or so beating my head against a memory leak in our software , which I still haven 't found . Even so , it 's been a pretty good day ! I 'll post my pictures at the ceremonial / geographic South Pole tomorrow . . . Originally uploaded by dglo . Behind the Jamesways , there is an open storage area where the large , durable material is stored . There are rows and rows of mysterious boxes , crates , etc . On one edge of this area , there is a pile of spools . I 've heard that these cast - off spools once held the IceCube cables which bring information from the data sensors deep in the ice up to the computers which run our software . Since nothing is wasted at Pole , somebody has stacked the spools and made a nice sculture . To give you a sense of the size , each of those gray spools is about 6 feet tall . Also adding to the beauty , there 's nothing behind those spools . . . you can see all the way to the horizon . It 's a really pretty sight . . . until your hand starts hurting from taking pictures while being exposed to - 50 degree winds . I 'm kind of brain - dead today , even though I got a record 4 straight hours of sleep , followed by another 3 hours after a brief bathroom break . It feels like we 're making good progress on our project , so I don 't feel TOO bad that I 'm not as productive today . I got to the main station today at around 7 : 30PM , grabbed my " morning " bowl of Frosted Flakes and went to work for 5 hours or so . I 'm writing this just after returning from midrats ( midnight rations , a Navy term ) in the galley ( Navy again ) and we had . . . breakfast stuff : omelets , quiche , hash browns , corned beef hash , muffins . My next meal will be in 5 hours or so and will , of course , be everyone else 's breakfast . It 's a day of breakfasts ! Rather than type in an explanation of exactly what IceCube is , I 'll wimp out and point you elsewhere . This entry was written by Keith Beattie , another of my pDAQ co - workers . pDAQ is a set of software packages designed to read data from detectors buried deep in the ice , sift out some of the most obviously bogus bits , and then package the rest up and hand it off to another set of software which massages things further and finally sends the data north via satellite and also writes it to tape here at the pole . Back half of B2 Science Originally uploaded by dglo . Here 's the back half of B2 Science . The IceCube section is under those tarps . That 's where I spend 10 - 14 hours a day pounding out code . The second picture shows our work area . There are 7 network connections , and we occasionally have more that 7 people working here , so a spot at the table is a valuable thing . People are starting to leave the Pole , so we won 't be quite so crunched . The third picture is a more typical , early morning satellite shift scene . There are usually fewer computers on the table at this hour , but we 're going to have an early morning debugging session with some people in the Northern Hemisphere , so some day shift people have left their laptops on the table and gone to nap until 4 : 30AM ( which will be 9 : 30AM yesterday ) I work a lot with John Jacobsen ( on the left ) on pDAQ . The guy on the right is Georges Kohnen , who is working on storing IceCube information in a database . Posted by Face - Feb 7 Originally uploaded by dglo . Beard growth - Feb 7 . The left half of my right eye has been irritated for the past day or so . Jamesway1 Originally uploaded by dglo . Jamesway2 Originally uploaded by dglo . Here are a couple of pictures of my plush accommodations . These pictures are taken from outside the " door " ( which is actually a couple of pieces of canvas hanging from a bare wooden frame ) . As you can see , there 's ample reason to get out of my room and into the main station to work . While floor level is certainly cold , it 's comfortable at bed level for sleeping . I share this building with 3 - 6 other people - - I 'm not exactly sure how many , because we 're all on different shifts and don 't really interact . I 'm on " satellite " shift ( I work mostly during the 12 hours when the satellites are visible ) , and I know at least a couple of other residents are on day shift , because I 've been woken up a couple of times by people banging around during the day . My daily commute Originally uploaded by dglo . Here 's a picture from the door of my Jamesway . That big brown building off in the distance is the main station . In case you can 't tell , it 's a two - story building , but there are supports underneath to help keep it above the inevitable snow accumulation , so it 's really a 3 - story building . Every morning I get up , do my morning ablutions , then don my ECW ( extreme cold weather ) gear and make the 10 minute walk to the main station , where I spend most of my time working in the IceCube section of B2 Science . I keep meaning to count the number of paces from my Jamesway to Destination Zulu ( the closest entrance of the main station ) but somehow I get distracted while walking in - 20F weather . Home Sweet Home Originally uploaded by dglo . Here 's the Jamesway building which I visit occasionally when I 'm not working . I haven 't taken a picture of my " room " because I 'm not sure who is asleep in there at any given time . I 'll probably grab a picture of that in a couple of weeks when most of the people have cleared out . . . there 's a strong possibility that I 'll be on literally the last plane out of the Pole , so I may have these luxurious digs all to myself ! Today is the third day I 've been here and I 'm still switching my schedule . On the first day I stayed up until around 3AM , yesterday I was up until 5 : 30 or 6AM , and I 'm hoping to make it to 8AM today , which is * almost * where I need to be . If you 're curious , here are the satellite schedulesI 'm staying in the summer camp ( AKA the Jamesway ) , which is a group of quantas huts about a quarter mile from the main station . Each hut contains around 8 separate 6x8 foot living areas , cordoned off from the main hall by a canvas curtain . Each living area contains a bed and a cabinet for storing stuff , and not much more . The huts at summer camp share a single bathroom which is about 60 paces from my hut ( I 'm sure I 'll know the EXACT number by the time I leave ) . I 'm taking Diamox to helps avoid altitude sickness - - the effective altitude here at the Pole is something like 15000 feet . The Pole is one of the driest places on Earth ( even though it 's sitting on the largest collection of fresh water - - solid , but fresh ) so we need to drink a LOT of water to counterbalance the moisture which is constantly being sucked out of our bodies by the dry air . One of the side effects of Diamox is an increased need to urinate . All the above means that I wake up every 3 - 4 hours with an intense need to pee , so I get up and throw on a pair of jeans , my boots and Big Red ( the nice , warm parka I 'm wearing in the picture below ) and walk the 60 paces to the bathroom , then come back and take all that gear off ( being careful not to make too much noise because other people are sleeping ) and try to go back to sleep . I 'll take my last Diamox pill at around 4AM , so I 'm hoping this means only one more night of multiple trips to the bathroom ! At the Pole Originally uploaded by dglo . I made it ! Here I am fresh off the plane from McMurdo to the South Pole . The flight was great , the scenery was fantastic , and I even got to go up on the flight desk for a little while ! We 're going to work ' satellite hours ' . The South Pole can only connect to the Internet through 3 geo - synchronous satellites which have accidentally strayed so far out of their paths that they can been seen from the South Pole for a few hours each day . Today , the first one was visible at 9 : 45PM and the last one disappears at 9 : 11AM . I 'm trying to stay up until 2AM this morning and will go to be a couple hours later each day until I 'm up for the entire time the satellites are visible . It 's already 1AM here , so I 've got a pretty good chance to make it ! It helps that there 's a midnight meal for us third shifters . . . We made it to McMurdo ! I 'm officially on Antarctica , though not yet at the South Pole . We took off at around noon ( New Zealand time ) and landed at around 5PM . We then transferred to a " bus " which took about 15 minutes to drive from the air field to McMurdo base . We then got our " Intro to McMurdo " briefing and made it to the dining room by 7PM , just half an hour before the dining room closed . The food here is even halfway decent - - which is especially nice since it 's free ! The bad news is that we don 't fly to the Pole until Monday . More later ! I was supposed to report at the main office at 6AM this morning to check in for the flight to McMurdo , so at 5 : 30AM I was out at the curb with the other guys , waiting for the shuttle . The shuttle driver came by and told us that the flight had been delayed 2 hours due to weather ( not unusual ) . So now I 'm sitting in the B & B lounge waiting for 7 : 30 . . . On Saturday morning , a few hours before I was supposed to leave on this trip , I woke up in bed with my lovely wife and she mentioned that the room was kind of spinning . We laid there for a few minutes chatting and then she got out of bed to brush her teeth and fell over . She continued having vertigo and we called our HMO advice line , who told her to drink lots of fluids and check back if the vertigo didn 't go away . In the mean time , I was literally flying to the other side of the earth , so I checked in when I landed in Dallas and by the time I called from Los Angeles , she said she felt a little better . It seems to have been simply an inner ear infection or something like that . Elaine was even able to go in to work on Monday which was a good thing because . . . Apparently Hannah was hit by a car on her way to school Monday morning . She was walking in a cross walk and a young woman was texting on her phone and the car drifted into the crosswalk , tapping Hannah on the knee and knocking her over . The woman got out and checked on Hannah , but Hannah was late for school so she said she was fine and ran off . When Han woke up this morning , her knee hurt and she told Elaine all of this , so Elaine took her into the HMO where the doctor declared her perfectly fine . It 's nice to get all this out of the way . . . after all , what else could possibly go wrong ! Well , I 've made it to New Zealand . I got to Christchurch yesterday morning at around 10 : 30 and was in my B & B by noon . I only got 5 - 6 hours of sleep on the flight over , but I wanted to stay awake until a reasonable hour , so after I went out to lunch with the other two IceCube people , I wandered around town for a few hours . We all went out to dinner together and then went looking for a good place to try and spot Comet McNaught . We wandered around for a while and ended up in a large , open park , but couldn 't see the comet so we all went back to our rooms . One of the other guys went back to the park a couple of hours later and the comet was easily visible . . . it had been hidden by the sunset when we were trying to see it . Today we didn 't have anything schedule , so the three of us rented mountain bikes and went on a bike ride up the nearby mountains to the summit , along the summit ridge to a historic site and then back along the coast to Christchurch . It was a lovely 6 hour bike ride . Unfortunately , after 6 hours we were still at the historic site and had another 2 . 5 hours of riding to do . It was easy compared to the first 2 . 5 hour ride up to the mountains , but our legs and butts were sore after the first 6 hours . As you might have guessed , we survived - - though I 'm not looking forward to the stiff muscles I 'll wake up with tomorrow morning ! Tomorrow I 'll get my cold weather gear and repack everything . . .
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It 's about something a lot more general , but it 's also something I 've got more questions than definitive thoughts about : staying in South Africa . ( Edit : It irritates me when bloggers preface posts containing their personal opinion in this way , but I can see why they do . Reader , please know that if you are thinking of emigrating , or have emigrated , and I know you as a friend or family member , this is not a post criticising you or your motivations to leave . It 's more a statement on my experience of the politics of what it means to be a white middle - class South African in this day and age , using as a launchpad the instance of recently hearing that a friend - who is not a social media connection , so it 's probably not you - and her family are in the process of emigrating , and my feelings when she told me . It 's not about you , or anyone in particular . Thank you . ) Or do I feel betrayed at news of friends leaving South Africa because of where we 've been in the last 20 years , the narrative of the Rainbow Nation - the idea that we 've built this amazing , brand - new , free and open and wonderful society together since ' 94 , and you don 't get to just opt out of that ? Even though we all know by now that the Rainbow Nation narrative was just that - a tall tale , a yarn - and that the majority of South Africans are poor , and desperate , and dismayed with all the things that haven 't happened in 20 years … Or is it because it makes me question my own choices , because it casts aspersions on my own satisfaction with our life here , because it makes me feel inferior for thinking that this is an incredible place to live ? Because as a middle - class white South African , I know that we live a charmed life . We must be the most privileged group of people anywhere in the world . The end of apartheid did not mean that our lives changed - we never needed the stockpiles of bread my mother kept in the freezer , or the tins of beans she collected in case of war ; we kept our sturdy homes and our schools and our private healthcare and our beach houses and our dignity and the respect of others , at least overtly , and hell , even our cars and books and electronics and TVs ; we got to keep all the things we 'd denied so many people . One of the only ways our lives changed was that now we could feel better about ourselves ; our white guilt could start to be erased . We 're all equal now under law , right ? If I succeed , it 's because of the work I 've put in myself . I 've worked hard every single day of my life , and so I deserve everything I 've got . The poor are the way they are because of bad decisions they 've made . It 's basically their own fault . This kind of thing is easier to say now than it was for our parents . Of course , it 's all utter bullshit , but it 's so easy to adopt this attitude these days . If anything , since the end of apartheid , I feel like white middle - class South Africans have actually become more privileged . So I look at my friends who have big houses and comfortable suburban lives and medical aid and every convenience they 'd have in more developed countries ( and , in many cases , more than they 'd have overseas ) and listen to them say that they 're leaving " because of the crime " ( never mind that they 're safer in their suburbs than 99 % of their fellow South Africans , and that the reason they feel so vulnerable is because so many people have so much less than they do , and maybe the best way to address this would be to start trying to solve it , like making monthly donations to organisations that give people a head - start in getting an education , finding work , learning skills ) and " for their children " , and I just think - how can you be so ungrateful ? What kind of life will you live in the UK , in the States , in Australia or New Zealand , that would be better than living here , right now ? Tell me - what tangible or intangible privileges will your children have there that they 're not getting here ? I love it here . I hope to never leave . I feel lucky and privileged and guilty every day , and in my own ways I 'm going to keep trying to correct the terrible things that have happened and keep happening to put me and other people like me in this position of privilege . But I can 't say any of this to people like me who are desperate to leave . The irony is that the reason they can choose to leave is their privilege - their other passports , their education , their resources , all the things that being white and middle - class in South Africa has allowed them . But the poor , the ones whose lives are really rotten ? They 've got nowhere to go . 2 Replies Last night , you wanted to read a " magazazine " instead of a storybook at bedtime . The only one we have is a freebie from the pharmacy and it 's very boring , but you turn every page carefully and look up and say " what 's that . " and then I have to try to explain the sparse pictures and ads : " The man is sick . " " Shame , poor man , " you say . Right now , at nearly two - and - a - half , I am your favourite person . When you 're with me , you don 't want anybody else . " No , Daddy , go ' way ! " and " No Naume today ! " . I 'm trying to stop you from being so mean but I want you to be allowed to feel what you feel . Restaurants are your favourite places . Every evening you say hopefully , " Go restaurant ? " You love sitting at the table with us , colouring in , and talking to the waitresses . ( Garage petrol attendants are another favourite of yours . " Bye , man ! " you say as we drive away . ) Clothes don 't bother you too much - you don 't really care what you wear . But you have strong opinions on shoes and hats . I usually dress you according to the hat you 've chosen . And be done with it . But that defeats the point of the bootcamp , which is to spend 60 minutes writing . Unless I typed one letter every 10 minutes , No matter how terrified I am of things going wrong , I am privileged enough to feel pretty secure almost all of the time . My husband and I are in a marriage of equals . I am university qualified and have a job I enjoy and am reasonably good at ( though obviously , for financial reasons , I wish someone had steered me away from Journalism and pointed me in the direction of the BCom section of the university flyer before I enrolled ) . I am healthy , and my child is of robust health and developing completely normally . And even if she weren 't healthy , our private medical aid would take care of the financial side of things if there was a problem . We own our house and aren 't overwhelmed by the bond repayments . We have private security , live in a very low - crime area , and have airbags in our cars . I am as safe in my happiness and comfort as I think it is possible to be . I am a middle - class white South African , with all the support that that entails . Through nothing more than an accident of birth , I belong to one of the luckiest groups of people alive today . ( Caveat : I will continue to try to atone for the lucky breaks that people like me get for the rest of my life and that is exactly as it should be . ) She spent the first two years of her daughter 's life living in a wendy house that leaked constantly for five months of the year . Even though she can now afford to live in a flat , her daughter 's cough and rattling chest will never go away . When she takes her to the clinic , the nurses tell her that because she 's not South African , she shouldn 't be there , that she should pay for private medical care because her daughter is taking the place of South African children in the queue . Her daughter 's father drinks too much and doesn 't work . She has to go to Home Affairs every three months to renew her asylum seeker 's permit , every time knowing that there 's a possibility it could get revoked and that she 'd end up back home , with no job and no prospects . She left her son there because couldn 't afford for him to live with her when she first arrived in Cape Town . Now she 's thinking of bringing him to live with her , but he 's just started doing well in school after recovering from breaking his leg in three places - he had to miss six months of school while he recovered because there was no way for him to get there if he couldn 't walk . She 's got a good salary but work as a nanny can 't go on forever because the child she loves ( mine ) is almost old enough to go to full - time preschool and then what if she doesn 't find another job , or what if she does , and it 's with a family that doesn 't respect her and kids who don 't love her like mine does ? Or what if she can only find a job that pays less , which means she won 't be able to feed her daughter the preservative - free food she needs because of her allergies , and she ends up in ER again and again , and won 't be able to keep sending her son to private physios for his leg , and he ends up with a permanent limp that will mean he is overlooked for certain jobs as he gets older ? Then what ? I never read Sylvester and the Magic Pebble as a kid . Lil A got it from an American cousin and every time I read it to her , it breaks my heart . That one sentence conveys so much desolation and beauty , wrapped in such a simple little package . There are so many lovely little gems in Winnie the Pooh . On Lil A 's bookshelf is a copy of the first version of Winnie the Pooh ever published . It used to be mine when I was little . It 's written in AA Milne 's own voice , addressed to his son Christopher Robin , who has a beloved bear called Edward . Even before he became known as Pooh Bear , the sense of exactly which kind of bear he 'd go on to be is right there in that very first book . On a trip to New York a few years ago , I spent a lot of time staring at the original Winnie the Pooh toys at the Public Library . They 're all faded and their fur has been loved off - whether by time or Christopher Robin , it 's hard to say - which made them even more charming than they are rendered in fiction . They were real toys . And despite the Disneyfication of the " brand " , I like remembering that it all started as a real story told to a little boy by his Dad , about his favourite bear . Miss Rumphius is another favourite from an American cousin that I had not read myself as a child . The watercolours are gorgeous , for one thing , but I also really love how it carries so many truths about old age that children are usually shielded from in books and pop culture . It 's about an old lady who is not a witch - which is unique in itself . But further to that , it 's about an old lady who used to be a little girl . These sentences capture that idea very neatly , and I think it 's an important thing for all of us to remember on a visceral level . As adults , we all know intellectually that the elderly were not always elderly , but I know that I forget at times that not very long ago , they were exactly like me . This might sound like another line from Winnie the Pooh , but it 's from Lil A 's favourite book , I Know A Rhino . I bought this book for her because the main character is maybe a boy , maybe a girl . He or she is equally happy playing in the mud and dressing up in a tutu . Their gender doesn 't matter , which is unusual for a children 's book . So I bought it more for the pictures than the words , but now I love this sentence about the bear . It always makes me hungry and seems like a good way to live . When it 's sunny , we go for a picnic . Yes . My husband has thought of himself as a feminist for years , since we were in university and I was still scared of the term , and didn 't like its connotations ( until my best friend told me to stop being insane and that to not be a feminist was not far off being a racist and I realised what feminism actually means ) . But when it comes to the physiology of the brain , my husband admitted to believing that those of men and women were necessarily different . And not just because of experience - because of the way they were created in the womb . The way they were wired . So , here 's my PSA . There are no " hardwired " differences between male and female brains from birth . Except these , of course . The only differences that are at all meaningful have been created by individuals ' experience . If studies show that same - hemisphere connections are stronger in male than female brains , while women 's brains show stronger cross - brain connections , making them able to multitask and " be good hostesses " , it 's not because they were born that way . It 's because those men had been praised for being singularly focused on a task at hand since they were little boys ( and probably because their fathers made a special effort to teach them how to read maps , for example ) . It 's because the female participants were encouraged to be able to multitask by watching their mothers help with homework while supervising a toddler in the kitchen and making dinner when they were young girls - because that 's what was expected of mothers ; because their social connections were emphasised by the women 's parents and teachers while they were growing up . And so , basically , the reason Lil A is so interested in babies in tummies is that it 's something we pay a lot of attention to when our pregnant friends are around , and she is shaped by what she sees . And also because , ew - it 's a weird thing , when you think about it . A little baby . In an adult 's body . Did I mention how broody I am , by the way ? You never want to be the mother to admit that , actually , your two - year - old just doesn 't do tantrums . She is extremely stubborn , yes , and has a very set idea about how things should be done , but she 's just too even - tempered to ever throw her toys , literally or otherwise . So I just muttered quietly that I hadn 't experienced that particular parental rite of passage , and then , when the subject changed to our kids ' wilful independence , tried not to feel a bit embarrassed when one of the other moms told me how her daughter tells her every day that she has to help Lil A put on and take off her shoes at school ( how is it that my kid is the only one in her class who can 't dress herself ? I obviously didn 't get the memo about making your kid independent enough to have total dominion over her footwear ) . At the end of the night , I walked home with the unsettling suspicion that Lil A was developing differently to her peers . But then there was Sunday night , and Lil A 's first full - blown , fear - instilling , limb - flailing , blue - in - the - face - howling tantrum . And then her second , about an hour later . Both meltdowns left me quaking , shaking , baffled - they were both at bedtime , usually a very tranquil hour in our home , involving a storybook , a cuddle from both parents , laying her down in her cot and hearing her saying " bye , Mummy " as I close the door . Last night , instead , she started wailing and flailing as soon as I lowered her into her cot , and then stood up and screamed so loudly and for so long that she went hoarse and her lips went blue . The whole time , I was fighting every instinct to pick her up , knowing that as soon as I did she 'd be less likely to go down again . But when she got to the blue - lip phase , I finally gave in , only to be kicked and pummelled , and told " porridge ! " in no uncertain terms . " Oh my god , " I thought as I carried her quickly through to her high chair in the dining room , " I 'm basically an abusive mother , making my kid go to bed when she 's starving . " But then I tried to put her in her high chair , to more kicking , more shouting , furious shaking of head . Then I left her standing in her room alone , with the door open , hoping she 'd get bored or distracted , but had to go back in five minutes later when her wails hadn 't changed in pitch or intensity . I checked her nappy , checked for fever , tried to cuddle her , tried to rock her , tried everything in my comforting - mom repertoire , and eventually left her in her cot so that she didn 't see my tears . I stood outside her door for a while afterwards . So it turns out my daughter does do tantrums , I thought . And that I was just as helpless in the face of her overwhelming distress as the other mothers had described themselves as being . I 'd scrambled around , trying a million different things to appease her , hoping she 'd guide me on what she wanted and needed , but of course , she was too tired and too upset and too little to communicate properly with me , and I should have been firm but kind , and just made her sit in her highchair until she 'd calmed down enough to eat the first time around . But , in those moments , I 'd literally been unable to think . I don 't think I 've felt as useless as I did that night since the time Lil A threw up all over me in the reception area of a very fancy game lodge ( and then rushing with her to the hospital two hours away when she didn 't stop throwing up ) just before her first birthday . All I can hope is that it 's another year and a bit before I feel like that again . As the mother of a generally chilled child , I am ill - equipped to deal with any deviation in her behaviour . Basically , the problem is , my daughter has spoiled me .
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" Immortality has always been fascinating . Fiction has many tales of people who are immortal . But Is it possible to be ageless and alive forever . " He smiled as he said this . Seated on the first bench . She always fiddled with her hair when he saw her . She never looked away when he looked lustfully at her . Holding her pen in her mouth and giving an obvious indication of being fascinated by him , Niharika kept staring at the handsome professor A Few Kilometers away in another city named Mumbai , a girl of a similar age had been killed . The sight was unnatural . No evidence could be found . Inspector Shahid khan gaped into oblivion . He was a tough cop but he had a very sensitive side to him . He had swollen eyes since he had been drinking a lot recently . He could no longer handle seeing dead bodies and determining the reason behind ghastly murders . " I had seen them so often , completely lost in each other " They never realized anybody else 's presence . " She had a tear drop from her eye . Then suddenly she recollected something The girl had been killed in a very unique way . She had been frozen to her death . The room was full of syringes but fingerprints had been carefully wiped off . He got into a shock . it contained various pictures of dead bodies that had been dug from graves . There were videos of experiments made on this dead bodies . Someone was out there who had started believing that he could resurrect dead people . They chanced upon some more evidence . Another girl killed in another city . She was also killed in a very similar way . There was a formula and some scientific calculations written in a document that explained the whole experiment . The Resurrection process also involved chanting of some mantras and a herb that had been brought especially from a mountain . Our saviour had named it Sanjeevani Booti The Man conducting these experiments was named Dr Amar Bhatnagar in the tapes . He spoke very loudly and in an extremely narcissistic way talked only about himself and his experiments . Meanwhile in Pune Niharika and Professor Amar Bhatnagar usually worked alone in his laboratory . She loved his passion towards the subject . The flair with which he spoke was intoxicating . He had lured her to giving herself up for experimentation . The experiment was simple . She had to die . After her death Dr Bhatnagar would revive her with his newly learnt science of waking the dead . Niharika had another wish too . Her death wish was the professor . She wanted to make passionate love to him before he killed her . She wanted to die in his arms and she had the unbroken faith that he could resurrect her . She was totally in awe of him . She believed every word he uttered from his mouth . The experiment he was going to conduct was not Cryonics . This was an experiment to test immortality He fulfilled her last wish by passionately devouring her body before freezing her to death . But this time something unexpected happened . The Formula did work and he brought her back from the dead . Niharika was revived soon after she died . But she had no memory of that incident . She behaved like someone else . Her tone of voice , her mannerisms and behaviour were totally different . She seemed to not remember the doctor or the experiment at all . " How far fetched is our imagination ? Something that we imagine today can it be a reality tomorrow ? Scientists have been converting our fictional imaginations into reality with their inventions . It is a very optimistic thought that the future beholds better technology and smarter gadgets . Have you ever thought about it in a pessimistic way ? " The tormentor kept his back to the camera throughout the ordeal and hence it was difficult for the police to find him . Meanwhile in Pune Inspector Rajesh Shirodkar had an ordinary month so far . No crimes were reported to him until a horrendous crime that was soon going to be reported . The Girl was identified as Niharika . The Man that killed her had disappeared . There was no evidence left behind apart from a dead body frozen to below - 196 degrees Meanwhile In a Bus En - route from Pune to Ahmedabad . The repeat offender was contemplating another gorgeous lady for his sacrilege . He was glaring at her like a predator eyes his prey . According to him he was doing to this for the greater good According to him Niharika was still awake and seated right next to him . The Other women he had killed prior to this were also alive in his world . He was living in denial of his experiments that had gone horribly wrong . There was no truth in his theory of reviving people back to life with his combined study of cryonics , Mantras and Sanjeevani Booti , Religious books and Mythological tales have some magical stories and some unrealistic assumptions about Gods and their superpowers . These things cannot be linked and such people that mix religion with science are dangerous . Medical science is based on facts . But Applying those metaphors and finding alternate medicine can lead to untimely demise of the subjects of these experiments . Her aura was sensuous . . Her seductive scent aroused temptations in his minds of most glorified souls . Her glance was hypnotic . Whenever she looked at a man , woman or even gods they were instantly mesmerized He was not able to even utter a single word . The Almighty Ruler of the dark forces was now completely dependent on his sevaks . . Everyone present had expected foul play but were so spellbound by her that they did not raise a doubt . Rakansur was the most powerful man in this yuga . He had convincingly defeated all deities of patalpur . He had also acquired tremendous knowledge of everything as he had been the only one who had travelled across patalpur and been to visit Dharti Lok and other universes that existed . He was the only one who was not enthralled by her presence . He carefully looked away from her as she had the extreme power to attract and destroy his predominance . The Enchantress sat on her throne and smiled . She was not affected by the hatred of one man . She said in style " Rakansur , i have a lot of respect for you , my dear . But you need to do your investigation before blaming me for the state of Lord Yakshin " He stood stunned as she uncovered herself from the shiny robe and opened her arms . He glanced into her seductive eyes and he was hypnotised . He stood there in a trance devouring her captivating body with his eyes , He felt that if he touched her it would spoil that moment of pleasure . The enthralling pleasure of seeing such beauty that could invoke passion even in someone who is dead . He had lost his first battle with her without even putting up a fight . As he walked upto her he was appalled by the sweet fragrance she evoked . That night she walked into his room and uncovered her robe . His fantasies and dreams were going to be fulfilled . Had he impressed her so much that she was offering herself to him or was she planning something hideous and manipulative . All he could remember was the beast feasting on her neck . He felt repulsive but he couldn 't have stopped her . She started by pleasing him . While she was in the act of pleasuring him he noticed her neck had a big wound . He had never noticed it before . As he tried to touch it , the wound healed itself . . She felt a disconnect right away and read his mind that he could probably could turn rebellious . She usually drank cannabis and offered him to join her . She urged him to close his eyes . As he touched his nose to the cannabis she had offered him . He could feel plenty of scorpions moving all over his body . He closed his eyes as he savoured the heavely drink . When he opened his eyes he found himself in the Jungle tied to the Huge Tree . All saplings had grown over him and he just couldn 't move . The Scorpion monster appeared from behind the tree and stood in front of him The sight made him cry . The Mighty warrior decided to use his inner strength and fight the demon . He realized that he would be fed to the demon on every fortnight on amavasya . The method remained same . She poured down the cannabis drink through his mouth and forced him to close his eyes . When he opened his eyes he was tied to the Oak tree . For one split of a second he had all his strength . That moment was the only time when he could break free and attack the demon dark psychological , Thriller , Uncategorized Krish was an extremely handsome man . He usually made women turn around and look at him again . The Most alluring feature he had , was his eyes . . Those eyes had never looked into another girl 's eyes . He had been scared of women hitting on him . He always got attention that was uncalled for . But today was different His eyes stared at a gorgeous looking girl . Some girls are extremely pretty . He used to catch a few glimpses of pretty looking girls sometimes . But this girl was stunning . She had beautifully crafted features . If someone looked at her , their eyes would just be stunned enough to stay at her for a few extra mins . She defined beauty . She defined love at first sight However her eyes were quiet . They had nothing to read . Her expression was blank . She did not try to hide from his lustful gaze She did not try to cover up like other girls . Krish was extremely attracted . He wanted to speak to her . He felt like approaching her . But the only restraint was that he was slightly tipsy and he did not feel comfortable in speaking to her in this state . The Ultimate moment came . The MTR Stopped and she walked out . She left her jacket behind . . Krish leaped out from the MTR and called out to her . With her jacket in tow he started following her . She did not respond . He kept calling out . She kept walking and reached to her destination It was a haunted territory named Kaalsarp . Extremely close to a religious abode , there was a place considered haunted . There were many stories about this , Anyone frequenting this place at night either died or turned insane . It was pitch dark inside . No human being in sight . There was a deafening silence as he walked through the trees . He came up to a bridge . He had heard stories that Kaal snatches the souls of any good humans that walk on the bridge . Only people born in Rakshas Yoni could walk through the bridge . The Sinners and the people belonging to the Ghost side of the world . He felt eerie and decided to walk away . As he turned around , he saw the girl standing atop a tree , She had tied her dupatta around her neck and was fixing the ends to the branches of the tree . He ran and shouted loudly . His voice echoed around the place . Before he could rescue her she had jumped to her death . Her dead body was swinging across the tree as he leaped to try and save her . Sweating profusely in distress he dialed his friend 's number . An Unknown female voice spoke from the other end . He asked for his friend , but the lady seemed unaware of such person . He seemed to have dialed a wrong number . He asked for assistance nevertheless . The Lady sensed his problem and promised to send some help . The Morning newspaper carried a picture of the girl 's body that was recovered from a lake near the same location . His head was spinning . He was not able to understand the whole scenario . He wanted to investigate . This was indeed a strange occurrence . When he googled and read more and more , he came across the fact that many people had either committed suicide or gone missing from the same location . Sometimes humans regret being in a situation . He was feeling the guilt for not being able to help a girl in need . He was feeling bad about lustfully looking at her while she was lost in her thoughts full of despair . As he walked out of the mansion , a sweet familiar voice called out to him . He had heard this voice somewhere . A girl walked up to him and greeted him . 6 Months passed by without much luck . Although media had covered the case very extensively . Public memory is short and they lose interest if the case doesn 't show some quick revelations . Krish and Jyotsna had not given up . They walked around in that area quite often to find something . They were on the verge of giving up when a surprising and previously unknown fact came up in reckoning With no hope of fair chance . They decided to break in into the asylum and rescue the boy from there . Disguised as a doctor and nurse they had broken through and eloped with the boy . For a few days the boy did not give any information . But one morning he woke up and spoke something strange . It was about men wearing cloaks holding an axe , those dangerous men that snatch souls from bodies . That night the three of them crossed the bridge and kept walking . Krish had aimlessly walked umpteen number of times with no result . The Boy was willing to take them further . He knew the way , his steps were confident and he did not look mentally unstable . As they neared the end of the tunnel , the boy started to run back . He was petrified . He had remembered the ordeal . He was not going any further . He was running back to save his life . Kaal Sarp was back in news . A Couple had committed suicide at the same location . Under strange circumstances they had been found wearing orange garbs . Usually Orange garbs are worn for religious functions . Jyotsna noticed that they had typical way of putting a tikka on the forehead . There was a religious group that had an international company financing its operations , they had their temples at various locations across the city . The God - men running this foundation came up to meet Jyotsna , She touched their feet and offered them some food . Many known figures and famous celebrities were a part of this organization . Their goal was to establish One god that every human can relate to . They had come to request her to not malign the name of their sacred institution . They had not liked the fact that they had been dragged into this controversy . Krish , Jyotsna and chetan decided to set off during the day . Holding hands they were rushing through the tunnel . It was a never ending path that was leading to no where . Surprisingly Chetan stopped again . They had to drag him somehow till the end of the tunnel . The tunnel lead to a big house that had been protected by electric fencing . Krish tried to find a way to get inside . Chetan started crying inconsolably . Worried about him he decided to step down and walked towards him . Jyotsana and Krish were arrested and taken inside the house . All the doors and windows were covered with black curtains . The House was full of people . They were wearing cloaks to cover their faces exactly as mentioned by chetan . Jyotsna and Krish were tied to chairs . A man walked up to them . He had covered his entire face . Only his eyes were visible . Krish challenged him " Show me your face . I know I am going to die . I want to see your face before I die " The Man laughed loudly . He Unleashed Jyotsna from the chair and she laughed . He took her in his arms and they started kissing each other . " Let the party begin " He announced . The Cloaks came off . They were all known faces . Some very famous . It was sickening to see them as they exchanged partners and crossed all limits of normalcy and shame . Krish had been a spectator to this entire fiasco now . The Religious Organization had spread rumors about the place being haunted . The entire set up was made so that people do not frequent that place and these diabolical supposedly decent people who were god fearing worshipers inside a place of worship , could come out and explore their animal instincts in an undisclosed secret place . Krish only had a moment to decide . Jyotsna was sitting on his lap now with a gun pointing to his head . He had to make a decision to join them or die . He could have chosen to die . He could have chosen to live with a dark secret . . People were killed . Lots of them . He saw guilt free faces . He saw people lost in their worlds of lust and pleasure . He wanted to stop them . He was teary eyed . That was a mob of inhuman species that had enacted and fooled humanity so beautifully . He wanted to shout to the world . He wanted to tell people to not believe in them . But it was too late . The Moment was over . Jyotsna loaded the gun to fire the shot The Human in him wanted to speak out against them . But now he had started to enjoy the guilt pleasure . He had realized that when he wore that cloak , he changed into a different person . That man had no essence of Krish . The man in that cloak was only looking for a prey to hunt . That man was a predator who had given up against all evil . He had become the part of evil because he had feared death . God was just his defense mechanism . God was just another cloak that he wore in broad daylight to cover those treacherous eyes that were full of deceit . dark psychological , deceit , Thriller # creativestories , # Goodreads , # Psychological thriller , crime , shortstory I feel nostalgic as I walk past auto rickshaws . Nothing much has changed in this city . It 's only me who has changed drastically . I have returned to my hometown Mumbai after being in a New York Prison for more than a decade . I was just wired differently . I remember it was the same street when I had walked on it as a 14 year old . It was 1996 and the Mumbai underbelly was flourishing . I had belonged to an affluent family of priests , but my inclination towards criminal activities had started very early in my life Everyone has their vices . I had too many . I enjoyed doing things that were forbidden . It gave me an high , it gave a sense of accomplishment and enthusiasm . I remember my father running behind me with a stick in his hand because I stole coins from the temple and went to the nearby matka place to gamble with them . It was not the money that sometimes doubled and tripled . It was the excitement . It was the sheer joy of doing something forbidden . Out of the fear of my father finding out that I was gambling . I used to pour all my earnings into a poor cobbler 's hut . He worked hard all day mending shoes but he hardly had money to buy himself a meal . " Those coins were being wasted when they were being offered to an already rich god . Why does he need money when he is already the almighty , " I told my dad . He slapped me hard . My father diagnosed my condition as a disease . I was dangerous for this society that set rules for itself and where forbidden things are only allowed to be done behind closed doors and in the dark . They wake up in the morning and pretend as if nothing happened I used to get beaten at home . My father used to hurt me with tremendous passion . . I got used to it . In fact I learnt that self inflicted pain sometimes gives infinite pleasure . Once he was tired and there was no power left in his blows . I Laughed as loud as I could and he would say " Rakshas , Vinashkari , Vipreet Buddhi " I Could not pretend any longer and live with the self proclaimed god . He used to fool people everyday and survived from the money earned from inflicting fear in them . Human beings build unnecessary cages around themselves called responsibility , Society and Limits . I had to fly and do everything that was forbidden . Not be bound by any artificial restraints Then on one unfortunate night . The only person I could call my own , Tribhuvan Shastri my father passed away . I was only 16 and I had no source of income . There was no money to even arrange the great priest 's funeral . I walked past Chinese fishmongers and green grocers cluttered in markets in the indian dominated area of Chinatown in Manhattan . I had heard about this man called as Mak . i was going to his office for an interview . On the forefront he ran a big financing company . His real name is Makrand Deshmukh which has cut short to mak as it is usually done here in the US . My heart skipped a beat as soon as she looked at me . Her eyes were big and the eyeliner and kajal made them looking even more stunning . My thumping heart sound was so elaborate that i felt she could hear it . i felt she could see the tension on my face as she walked towards me with some papers in her hand . She had a perfect hourglass figure as i saw her from head to toe with eyes full of lust . Her body hugging red dress was so elegant and glamorous that it made her look like an enchanting seductress . She said " Please fill this form , Mr Mak will be with you shortly " . My glare was stuck at her luscious lips and their perfect shape and her voice sounded like a symphony of melodious romantic tracks . I started believing in love at first sight . My brain definitely had a chemical locha , she was the one i was waiting for all my life . I walked outside to find her again . Sitting on her desk and her eyes glued to the monitor on her workstation . As i neared her desk she saw me . She gave out a friendly smile . That smile had the power to make a man suffering from Chronic depression look forward to life with Zest and Enthusiasm . Her name was soothing to the ears . Her name was Nagma . Mr Mak walked out of his cabin and looked at me with a sullen look . Probably he did not like me standing so close to the girl 's desk . He Tilted his head and gestured me to follow him . He swayed ahead in style . He was dressed elegantly in a stylish suit and he looked extremely dashing . He stood tall at 6ft and his neatly trimmed beard went well with his overall persona We spoke for about 30 mins and i really do not know what he saw in a visibly under confident and fidgety me . The best thing i remember i said was that i wanted to become like him one day and wear those stylish suits . I also remember that he told me that in order to achieve that i will have to be very strong and let go off all morals and ethics i have . Soon i became the most trusted aide of the big man . Every big businessman needs a intelligent confidante . Someone whom he can fall back on for advice or for discussing his decisions and future plans . . I was paving my way up the ranks and soon turning into the man everyone ran to for work . i knew everything . All codes , All secrets , Even Everything Mak thought , i had the key to all the locks of this business empire Then i fell upon a tiny secret . The Girl i had fallen in love with on my first day at work . The charming fair girl with beautiful eyes was infact Mak 's mistress . She had been an innocent girl who had once been implicated for carrying drugs in her purse . She had no clue how the poison that had been found in her purse had gotten there . The only rescue she had was through Mak . She had come to visit Mak to ask for his help and the filthy man had been allured by her beauty . She had paid a heavy price for it . Mak had kept all the proofs that would prove her guilty and even though Narcotics department in this state was extremely strong but Mak had connections . He knew the figures of authority very well . He was powerful and he could do anything . He forced her to work for his company and abused her everyday . He proudly narrated the entire episode to me and even though i did not have a heart to understand humanity . i Somehow understood this girl 's plight . Maybe because my heart had thumped out loud when she had smiled at me . I had tried to speak to her a few times but she had avoided all interactions . This was the opportunity . Mak had sent us together to deliver a consignment . I knew that the cartons we were carrying contained Arms and Ammunition but i was not sure that she knew it . I asked " Do you know what 's inside " . She looked at me in the mirror from the front seat of the car and replied " Yes " . I then tried to make small talk . She replied " Well it is the same . Even i am surprised that a guy as intelligent as you is working here " She was smart and witty . She paid me a compliment and smiled . After ten occasions of rejecting it , she finally agreed to a date . Just me and her . Fascinating music played in the background and the shade of hazel lights in that discotheque made her look even more desirable and appealing . But what intrigued me the most was why was she taking all the abuse from Mak . But i dared not to ask . I did not want to put off the vibrant energy she was showing and the did not want the beautiful smile to disappear . Yes i was using the trust and faith of my mentor and turning the tables against him . Surprisingly she was much more intelligent than i fathomed . She had a full strategy in place and following her plan would ensure the complete destruction of Mr Mak and demolition of his well built crime empire . We encoded encrypted data , Passed information to competitors and cops . Mr Mak was facing tough times suddenly . His consignments were being caught . The Important men in high authorities that he was friends with , were suddenly getting fired . In Spite of all these hindrances , he still trusted me and he gave me the code to his secret bank accounts just in case if he was caught . Then he shocked me when he said that he wished he could marry Nagma , transfer all his money through money laundering and move to different country . He wanted me to help him do that and he wanted me to also close all the pending deals and move with them . That Night when i was smoking with Nagma . I questioned her . I told her about Mak 's Intentions and she laughed about them . She said after so many years of repeated abuse , now he wants to give me a respect and marry me . We were going to pull the trigger now . This was the final round of this drama . Mr Mak was now going to be slayed . Next Morning i was going to call Mak and tell him about an consignment been caught . I was going to pretend that i was shot and i needed his help . We were sure Mr Mak would rush to help me and fall into their trap . Next Morning as planned i called Mr Mak . He acted as predicted . A Fleet of police cars waited in anticipation but things did not go as smooth as expected . I suddenly felt a jerk on my shoulder as i fell to my knees . Two strong policeman stood behind me with their guns pointed to the back of my head . A Police Van zoomed past others and a lady cop jumped out of it and stood there . Nagma was not the damsel in distress as she had made out to be . She had duped me and Mak . She was the smart Cop with a penchant for acting . She stood there pointing her gun towards Mak who stood there in shock as two people he had trusted the most had been responsible for his downfall . He was not the criminal who gave up that easily . Two pistols came out from two of his jacket pockets and he fired at the cops recklessly . But he did not have the strength to fire the bullet at the lady cop who stood there pointing a gun at him . I have never understood the emotional quotient of these cops . She smiled while she shot him . A bullet pierced through his expensive jacket straight into his heart and he fell flat . She fired another round this time aiming at his forehead and my idol in the crime world lay dead . Before going to prison i used to think , How would i survive in prison if i ever got caught . But then in prison i realized that An Innocent man cannot sleep in prison as he thinks how did he get there and what is the way out . But A guilty man can sleep in prison peacefully as he knows that he deserves this for the mistake he has made . The Mistake of trusting , the mistake of getting caught . The mistake of being impulsive and emotional . dark psychological , Thriller creativewriting , darkthriller , shortstory , thriller He woke up with a hypnic jerk . His head spun as he was suddenly jolted to consciousness . He realized he had woken up next to an unknown female companion . Their clothes lying on the floor suggested what they had been upto last night . He was a famous stand up comedian and he had recently insulted a famous celebrity on his show . The Celeb had not taken the joke very nicely and had slapped a lawsuit on his face . It was not an ordinary case as media had made it a case which showed continuously on all channels . The mud slinging had continued and Apoorva 's clean image in public that he had been sporting for quite a while had been tarnished After a long shower where he cried and prayed for his life to be back on track , he decided to wake the pretty damsel sleeping in his bed , But umpteen attempts to shake her out of sleep proved futile . Suddenly a spooky thought arouse , Was she dead , he thought . He checked her pulse and his fears were proven true , she was indeed dead . He tried to recollect events from the previous night but he could not remember anything . He growled in frustration , tears rolling down from his cheek . It may have been planned , the famous celeb , Kamran Khan was hellbent on destroying Apoorva Pandit . He decided to pack the dead body in his huge travelling suitcase and dump it near the garbage . Lifting from the bed seemed difficult as her body had grown tremendously heavy . Somehow with great difficulty when he lifted her , the doorbell rang . He dumped her back in the bed and checked from the keyhole . His wife was standing outside the door . He had recently completed his divorce with his first wife and entered into a second marriage with his long time girlfriend Zoya Aziz . Time froze and Apoorva wiped the sweat from his head . There are times where you wish you could just escape , where you think you could just not face that event . His wife would be shattered to see another woman in their bed , more gruesome was the fact that it was A dead woman . Zoya screamed loud and banged the door . His hands were shivering as he opened the door knob . As expected Zoya first started the drama of tears and abuses and then she did the unthinkable , she called the cops and got him arrested for murder . Kamran Khan paid a friendly visit to the prison where Apoorva had been kept . . He entered his cell and a fleet of cops entered behind him carrying a soft drink bottle and a comfortable cushioned chair . The Police Inspector held Kamran 's jacket before he sat on the cushioned chair in style . He wanted to bust the star scandals and take revenge for everything he had faced . With a strong determination he decided to start afresh . He had realized that he had lost everything and even his comic timing . but he was a changed man . He decided to unravel the mystery behind the TV Starlet who was found murdered in his bed . He wanted to remember that night , he wanted to prove he was not guilty of murder . Then the mystery unfolded , he was spying on Kamran Khan when he saw him walk out of his house holding Zoya by the waist . As they entered in his Black Mercedez car , she was dressed in a black gown which matched the fabric and colour of Kamran Khan 's shining black suit . As the car moved out , he inquired with the security guard who told him that they were on their way to a reality show where Zoya was a contestant and Kamran was the Host . Akansha had chosen to forgive him and accept him back in their life . The Best was yet to come . A Young man knocked the door of Apoorva 's house . He was a small time TV actor named Chetan who appeared in thriller shows . Apoorva was now being appreciated by a few people who had been traumatized by the star . They all saw a leader in him , someone who could fight for everyone 's right and become a messiah . This young mans girlfriend had been a part of the reality show produced by Kamran Khan and had recently committed suicide . He believed that her suicide was a conspiracy . There was more to it than meets the eye . Chetan Goswami had worked in one scene with Kamran Khan in his blockbuster movie and he had experienced something traumatic . He had a fight scene with Kamran Khan , it was a roadside fight with which the movie was going to start . Chetan had thought that it was a normal action scene and he had been looking forward to his bit role with the big Star . But what was shot was terrifyingly atrocious , it was not a scripted fight , it was a real fight and Kamran Khan had immensely enjoyed the sadistic pleasure he gained by hitting someone . Chetan had been terribly wounded and almost killed . All his shouts , the pain on his face , everything was real . Kamran had no value for human life , all he cared about was making 200 crores at the box office . That is what happened in Kamran 's films . The Torture Scenes were real , people whistled at the star 's style but behind the scenes it was humanity that was being slaughtered . Kamran thoroughly enjoyed them being filmed . He employed all new starlets , wannabe actors and enjoyed torturing them . Once he even fired at someone using a real gun and shot him in his hand . He had someones fingers chopped off in a film and showed close ups of his face with the real pain and trauma being captured in that scene . He was a danger to the society , his stardom had made him insane . They needed someone unknown , unseen and unexposed on screen to star in a Kamran Khan film and expose his atrocious reality . There was great risk involved in this but they decided to send Arush for auditioning for the part of a child artiste in an upcoming film and he was instantly selected . Akansha accompanied Arush to the film 's set and as per instructions she was shooting everything in the hidden cam in her purse . It was a sting operation that was going to be aired live on a popular news channel that had bought the story . Akansha cried in agony , she had so stupid to let him take away her only child . When suddenly the door opened and Apoorva walked out . He had been hiding in the vanity van , expecting Kamran to lure an actress in there with him . Apoorva was back to doing his hit comedy show with more flair and this time his comic timing was even better . He had learnt a lesson in life however contrary to what one would expect , he still conducted auditions and cast new TV Starlets as co - hosts in every episode . Even though not a womanizer anymore , he continued being a healthy flirt . An amazing artist who wrote beautiful songs and then composed mesmerizing music on his electronic keyboard , He sometimes bunked work and walked miles alone to reach his favourite destination , An Oasis of Serenity ad - mist a busy city full of chaos . A Beautiful lake called The Serenity Lake that he had christened as SHANTI , . He could sit with his feet immersed in this still water for ages without getting bored . He loved the birds chirping , the wind blowing on his face . This inspired him to create more beautiful music . He usually played The Violin on the lake and named the tune as Eternal Peace . When the beautiful music echoed on the lake , Rishab chaudhry thought ' No Materialistic Gadget , No Amount of Money , Stature , Prominence , Nothing mattered to him more than the soul - stirring music he was creating with his violin . She showed no interest when he tried to sing to her a new composition or just play to her a new tune had just created . In fact she always taunted him for wasting hours in his room on his keyboard . they were like two people renting the same house living in separate rooms with separate lives . Ruchi was embarrassed of introducing Rishab to the high profile successful people she socialized with . hence she mostly went alone on this social events usually on friday evenings . On October 15th , It was rainy Friday Evening as Ruchi slid her fingers across to unlock her phone screen . 17 Missed Calls from Grumpy Old Man it read . They had saved their numbers as Grumpy Old Man and Grumpy Old Woman on their respective phones . She called him back but his phone was switched off . She attempted Umpteen number of phone calls all night but his phone continued to be switched off . It was strange but she was missing him , in fact craving that he could come home and she could hug him . It kept raining heavily all night and Ruchi stood there at the balcony looking outside . She could sense something was terribly wrong . He did not come home that night . It was strange considering the fact that he did stay on the lake sometimes but one off night in a month and always informed her . It was she who sometimes forgot to inform him her timings . But Rishabh always called her at least twice a day to ask her how her day was . She had realized that no matter how much she had hated rishabh , but she actually waited for that call from him . His voice was a stress buster for her and she purposely ignored his music because she wanted to see him doing well in his life . It pained her to see him as a failed musician and doing a mediocre job in her own office . She remembered her college days where a guitar playing Rishabh was a heart throb that every girl wanted to date . She had been lucky as Rishabh had got close to her . He was good at everything . He always got the highest marks even without attending class and he played flawless music at the college auditorium . He sang from his heart and had everyone grooving to his songs . Her thoughts were broken by the buzzing of her phone . It was an unfamiliar unsaved number . " Hello " , A Harsh Deep voice spoke from the other end . " Yes , Who is This " She said . A Shattered ruchi drove to the highway and started searching for the lake , she reached the quiet and silent lake in the middle of the city and saw his violin there placed in the hut he had created . Her photos were stuck on the walls of the hut , some of her favorite books were kept in the corner . These were the books she had lent him during college days . Some notebooks scribbled with musical notes . The hut had his presence , his aroma and she could imagine him sitting on the makeshift chair made out of pillows singing his favorite song " Barbadiyon ka Jashn manata chala gaya , har fikr ko dhuein me udata chala gaya ' . She prayed with tears in her eyes " God ! ! ! ! ! Please send my Rishabh Back , I Love Him " Anirudh Singh was a flamboyant Millionaire , He had earned a fortune from his ancestors who had all been in Politics . His father held an esteemed position as the Cabinet Minister and he had just been given the party ticket to contest elections from that state . He also ran a group of companies under his wife 's name where Ruchi and Rishab worked . Anirudh Singh was tapping his huge gold ring on the glass table as Aslam khan finished writing the missing persons report . " I want you to find him , Leave all your work and do this on priority basis . " he ordered . " Stop Crying " He said turning to Ruchi . " They will find him soon " . She wiped her tears and handed a photograph of Rishabh to Inspector Aslam Khan . On the same night , the weather gods had been extremely rude and Aslam Khan was driving on the highway . The Road had zero visibility but Aslam noticed a man stranded across the highway . He slammed the breaks of his car and was astounded to see that it was Rishabh . He was bleeding profusely and was trying hard to stand up on his feet , It seemed that he had been hit by a speeding vehicle . He shouted in a high pitch " What Happened to you ? " Rishabh tried to speak but his mouth was full of blood , what he spoke barely made any sense . With great difficulty Aslam Khan lifted him in his arms and made him lie down in the back seat of his car . He drove to Rishab 's house which was on the way and told him " We will take your wife along , we should be immediately heading to a hospital . 15 attempts to ring the doorbell and bang the door met with no response . He decided to go back to his car . To his astonishment there was no one in the back seat . he looked around and then he saw Rishabh entering his house through the window . Aslam Khan followed him . The House was in shambles as if someone had broken into and demolished the entire house . As he walked behind a limping rishab he saw some blood stains on the bathroom door . He shrieked when a crying Rishabh pointed towards the dead body of Ruchi lying in the bathtub A wailing rishabh said " I had told you that her life was in danger , i had told you she needed police protection " That is when he saw Rishabh chaudhry walk out of his house . Rishabh seemed rejuvenated , He had no bruise marks , no blood stains . He was wearing a shiny black suit as he walked with enthusiasm and stood near Aslam Khan 's Car He sounded chirpy and happy . He smiled and said " Can you drop me to Bandra - Kurla Complex . My Boss has promised me that he will fund a live musical event for me . It is the best opportunity of my life . He is a powerful man with lots of connections . I will become a famous name in the musical world now " A Surprised Aslam Khan wanted to tell him that he sounded insane , his wife had just been murdered . Aslam Khan turned around to look at the house but it seemed a perfectly normal morning . There were no police cars , no sirens , it was not even night anymore . The house was locked and the clock showed 9 . 00 am . Aslam Khan failed to understand how the time zone changed in one minute . He had just seen the time as 2 . 30 am a few seconds ago . Nevertheless he decided to drive to Bandra - Kurla complex . He wanted to understand the situation better and he wanted to investigate this case which had now transformed from a missing persons case to a murder . He followed Rishabh through the corridors of a multi national company . Rishabh stopped at a cabin which read Ruchi Chaudhry , Managing Directors - Head of Operations . He gleefully smiled at her through glass door and then aslam was astonished to see Ruchi who waved at him and raised her thumb as if gesturing the best of luck to him . Aslam Khan felt giddiness , his head was churning . He was not understanding these events . He had just seen her dead body in the bathroom . Rishabh Entered Anirudh Singh 's Cabin with a gleeful smile and said " Hi Boss " He then left the office with Anirudh Singh and they both waved a goodbye to Ruchi through her glass door , Anirudh offered to drop him back in his car and Aslam slowly slid into the back seat and sat on the floor and kept his gun ready , just in case Anirudh singh saw him . Anirudh said " So , You will be a singing sensation now " . Rishabh Expressed Gratitude " I am overburdened boss , you have made my life . Ruchi will be so happy when she comes back home and i give her the news " Rishabh Replied " Thank you boss , I will never be able to repay you back . You are such a fantastic human being Boss . Not many people do this for others " Anirudh 's expression changed " I can propose a way you can repay me back . " He said parking the car near the lake . , Rishab 's Shanti Lake . " So This is the place where you come after bunking work , Have u ever thought why i never cut your salary ? " Anirudh Said As they walked towards the Hut Anirudh Hesitatingly said " You and Ruchi are two different people . You are a creative person and she is a woman with a strong business sense , i know everything about the your sad , mute relationship and i keep piling her with more work so that she stays back in office and gets more close to me " Rishabh Felt concerned " What are you saying Boss ? " He said with an angry face Anirudh Laughed as he walked in circles and came straight to the point " I keep staring at Ruchi through my cabin , She has flawless beauty and she looks immensely attractive . Not that i love her , or i want to marry her . I just lust for her , she is my obsession and you can repay me back by …… . " Before he could complete his sentence there was a resounding slap which made him off balance The Strong muscular men threw him around laughing . Each hitting him with immense power . Anirudh Singh was enjoying this and laughing out frantically . A Profusely Bleeding and Limping Rishabh was then left at the highway with cars zooming past him . No One cared to stop for a profusely bleeding man and if someone stopped Anirudh 's men would order them to get going and point at Anirudh 's car . His name was enough to petrify people . Aslam Khan saw him struggling , waving to cars that were speeding across . Rishabh then sat down in one corner and tried to call his wife , Grumpy Old Woman the screen read as he dialed and waited patiently , his face showed hope but she did not answer the call . He felt extremely agitated after numerous attempts he just slammed his phone when the battery died . It was turning dark and then it had started raining heavily too . Rishabh noticed a police car and waved at it , He limped across the highway in great speed shouting " Help Me ! ! ! ! " A Speeding truck that was being driven very rashly hit him minutes before the policeman turned around and blew him away across the highway and he fell exactly where Aslam Khan had seen him . Slowly succumbing to his injuries , he was slowly dying . Anirudh singh 's men picked up the body and threw it into the lake . Loud sounds of melodious violin buzzed into Aslam Khan 's ears as he entered the lake . It was not pleasant anymore . . The melodious music did not sound like eternal peace . It sounded more like the music of death , ugly and very disturbing . Rishabh emerged from the lake walking towards aslam at alarming speed . Unusual footsteps limping fast drenched in blood . He almost flew towards him . He woke up with the same heaviness in his head and slowly struggled to open his eyes . He saw the road like it looks while driving a car , As he grew more conscious he saw that he was seated on the steering wheel of his car which was racing ferociously . He had no control over his hands . . He then saw Anirudh Singh standing in the middle of the road folding his hands and crying . The Car hit him with a tremendous impact and he was blown away . Aslam Khan was petrified and wide eyed and he noticed sitting right next to him was a smiling Rishabh as the car turned around at the same speed . The Enchanting sound of Rishab 's voilin played as Anirudh Singh limped across the street and the car followed him and hit him again with the same intensity and slayed him . Aslam Khan had no proof in hand to prove that Rishabh 's death was planned by Anirudh . His dead body was recovered from the lake and the reason for his death was the collision with the truck Hence he closed the case as a road accident . He also could not decipher how he got Anirudh on that highway and how he ran him over , hence closed Anirudh 's death case also as a road accident . Only if he had taken Rishabh Seriously on that night when he came to the police station . Ruchi 's death was investigated and it revealed that Anirudh Singh had forcefully entered her house and done what he had warned Rishabh before killing him . After filing the Missing persons complaint with Ruchi , Anirudh had offered to drop her home in his car and while on the road , he had revealed everything to her and demonic man had then forcefully entered her house by breaking the window and over powered her attempts to fight him . Many criminal offences of Anirudh singh were revealed and many other women he had exploited came out and spoke about him , giving their confessions . The Party lost elections and Ambika group of companies had to be eventually shut . Aslam still visits the lake sometimes . He still sees a happy , smiling Rishabh sitting there with his feet immersed in water playing his violin , the music is mesmerizing , it is the melody of eternal peace . Many other people crossing that lake have heard the music but unlike aslam they cannot see the man playing that enchanting music . He also feels that all materialistic pleasures , prominence , statures , gadgets are nothing compared to the serenity of this beautiful lake resounding with the enchanting music played by a man who lived only to play soul - stirring music . but the greediness , lust and unrealistic desires of the materialistic world made him lose his life . " What a Waste ! ! ! Success is not in the wealth amassed by generations of greed . Success is in our creativity , in our passions . we have lost the essence of life somewhere . and made earning money as our only basis of survival . . " he says lying down in the makeshift chair made of pillows singing " Barbadiyon ka Jashn manata chala gaya , Har Fikr Ko Dhuen Me Udata chala gaya " The Man missing since two days was her husband Dr . Arjun Chakraborthy , a renown psychiatrist who had many celebrated people visit him as patients . Well known actors , politicians , industrialists formed his client base . He was extremely well connected . Anything could have led to his disappearance , possibly he had known someone 's hidden secret . Francis D souza said " i understand how difficult it must be for you " , but do not worry . i will be here tonight to make sure nothing untoward happens " . She prayed before sleeping and all she prayed for was Inspector Francis Dsouza to maintain his decorum and not turn from protector to predator at night . He stood outside her room and slowly pushed the door open , He had never got the time of finding himself a girl to get married to , when he had been young . He had always been a dutiful policeman who never thought of anything that distracted him from doing his job . However Mrs Leela had appealed to his heart , body and soul . He was obsessed with her . While Francis was lost in admiring his new found obsession while she innocently slept unaware of his gaze . there was a some unsettling noise from the kitchen . Francis Dsouza rushed to the kitchen to find an unkempt , insane looking man trembling with fear . The Tall and sturdy officer grabbed him by the collar and sternly inquired " Who are you ? A Strong Kick on his back ensued that everything he was carrying in his bag fell on the floor . It was sketches , lots of them , of the same face . Mrs Leela Chakraborthy 's dazzling face shined from all those sketches . She looked like aphrodite in those sketches . A goddess of love , beauty and pleasure . Seeing those sketches fall from the man 's bag , Francis was extremely furious and he attempted to hit him again . However the man showed resistance this time and held his hand . He had a new confidence in his eyes as he winked at Francis and forcefully twisted his arm . He started speaking in a different tone which was obnoxiously rude and writhed in anger . He lifted the big man in one hand and threw him against the wall causing him to break his jaw and fall to the ground with a loud thud . After this the man started shivering and squeaking and fell unconscious While the man was still unconscious , An Extremely Cautious Mrs . Leela checked his wallet to find that he was a famous young painter named Nagesh Dixit who had a huge female fan following at one point in his career . They were shocked to find out that he was in this state , Nagesh Dixit , the famous painter opened his eyes and found Mrs Leela seated opposite him . He tried to get up , but he had been tied to the bed . He then noticed a gun pointed on his head and Inspector Francis who stood there with great discomfort , looking at him with a sullen expression . " You Cheap pervert " Francis growled . Nagesh shaked his head in disbelief and said " I never intentionally wanted to sketch her face , it just automatically happened , i keep on drawing her face again and again , as if some external force is making me do it . . " The Door bell rang and a handsome man entered . Mrs Leela ran up to him and embraced him with great intensity . He was a well known surgeon , Dr . Ranjeet Sinha . He was Mrs . Leela 's ex - flame who had re - entered her life by becoming her husband 's best friend . She had noticed the same passion in his eyes but they both avoided the rejuvenating electric chemistry they had so far . Today was different , the events that had unfolded had left her completely drained out . She badly needed a shoulder to cry on and his shoulder appeared to be the most reliable compared to the other two men available . Dr . Ranjeet , Francis , Leela and Nagesh sat down to analyze these mysterious occurrences . Ranjeet Said " Leela you are the centre point of everything , He draws your sketches first and then throws this man who had cast an evil eye on you on the wall " pointing towards Francis , who looked away in shame . Leela added angrily " I really wished i could use my nails as claws and scratch his eyes , he makes me sick by the way he looks at me " Nagesh suddenly got up and walked towards Francis . Erratic winds started blowing as Nagesh walked with his stiff body and tilted head frantically laughing . He held francis by his arm again and this time with tremendous power he broke his arm and as he fell into a crouching position he kicked him on his shoulder . Francis fell on Mrs Leela 's feet asking for forgiveness . Nagesh 's eyes then started moving with berserk movements and he started sketching something with his trembling hands . All four of them recognized the sketch as Mr Arjun Chakraborthy 's farmhouse . They had all been there at some point in time . It was pitch dark inside the farmhouse as the four of them walked slowly . Mrs Leela holding Ranjeet 's arm and Nagesh trying to hold Francis who shooed him away . They heard some commotion in the basement and using their cellphones for light , they slowly walked down the stairs to reach the basement . An Open door at the end of the basement emitted eye - catching glow . They felt there was someone standing there . By the structure of his body it seemed to be Dr . Arjun Chakraborthy . As they neared the door they saw him more clearly . Dr Arjun Chakraborthy was seated in a rocking chair cross - dressed as a woman in a parrot green saree . As they entered that room , he immediately jumped from the chair and sat down in a crouching position with his back towards them , hiding his face A Crying Mrs Chakraborthy made him uncover his face , The shocking aspect was that his face was smothered with vermilion . He was loaded with ornaments , Maang tikka , bangles , ear rings and even a nose ring . Mrs Chakravorthy noticed he was bleeding as he did not have the piercings . He had pierced these ornaments forcefully on himself . Everyone was horrified at what they saw . They were all connected in someway and they had all been to the basement of this farmhouse at some point in their lives and they all had caused some distress to this young TV Actress named Roma Roma Mathur , the famous TV Celeb who played a righteous bahu in TV Serials was completely the opposite in real life . She had an unscrupulous affair with a married man , A famous surgeon Dr Ranjeet Sinha , who spent most of his nights at this farmhouse in the arms of his object of desire . There was another facade to Roma Mathur 's personality . She was extremely greedy and even the wealth amassed so far had not been enough for her . Dr Ranjeet had been very fascinated by the hidden room that he had seen in the basement , when he had visited it for the first time after an amorous and adventurous night of pleasure with Roma . He was astonished to see that this room had a wonderful code locking system and it could be used for something extravagant that occurred in his mind Ranjeet saw this as an opportunity and promised Roma to play as her pander to get her closer to her infatuation with her greed of accumulating enormous wealth , provided she allowed him to run his shady business in her basement . Broken from the trance of his memories by the cross dressed Arjun trying to kiss him . Ranjeet pushed him away . Mrs Leela was jolted , Nagesh attempted to run but the doors had a certain electric current flowing through him that pushed him back to where he was positioned before . That Night of July 31st at the farmhouse had been very infelicitous . Nagesh dixit stroked his paint brush on a beautiful painting he had been making of Roma while she posed in a seductive manner . Dr Arjun opened the door of the farmhouse with his own set of keys with a bang . He had brought the police with him as he had been tipped about some insane inhuman offence that was regularly being committed at this farmhouse , It was Inspector Francis D Souza who walked next to Dr , Arjun as they raided the basement of the farmhouse . As the Code - locked door opened . They saw two unconscious men who lied on adjacent beds , One was a patient and the other one was a Donor . Dr Ranjeet and a few assistant doctors and nurses were in the middle of an illegal surgery . A Kidney transplant was in progress . Dr , Arjun slapped his friend for playing with the life of these poor people . It was a poor beggar who had been lured under the promise of good food and some money . Some medical tests had been done and once everything was positive he had been drugged to make him unconscious . The Beggar was totally unaware that his kidney was being transplanted to a rich businessman . Citing the life threatening consequences of leaving the surgery half way through . Dr Ranjeet and his assistants completed the operation . Then Dr , Ranjeet then sat down with Dr . Arjun and Inspector Francis and tried to sort the issue amicably so that they all could benefit from it . Apart from Hefty amounts of money he also promised them something terribly wrong and horrendous . After sipping the wine Roma felt tipsy , " Its really strong " she said almost falling off . It had been planned as Dr Ranjeet winked and the others smiled gleefully . Her vision blurred and she fell to the ground in an inebriated state . The First one to satisfy his greedy urge was the desperate policeman who lifted an unconscious roma in his arms and took her to the bedroom . " And you played pander , as you said but not to my desires of amassing wealth . You played pander to your friends . How could you do that Ranjeet , I had loved you with so much passion and dedication " He Screeched and pounced on Ranjeet with his Claws digging into his flesh on his arm and he dragged him into a corner and scragged his neck with all his might and power till he drew his last breath . Tossing Dr . Ranjeet 's dead body away he turned angrily to Francis Francis lied on the floor with his hands folded . but Arjun thumped his foot on his face umpteen times with tremendous power till he collapsed to his death . Mrs Leela winced , aghast at their cruelty . Dr . Arjun was arrested from the scene of crime and another body was recovered from the house , it was the dead body of Roma . Owing to the strongly spiked wine roma had slipped into comatose and when these monsters continued with their beastly attempts to savour her body , she had died . A Renown Psychiatrist was now mentally unstable , it is difficult to believe that he was possessed by a ghost . It was his own guilt , he had enjoyed the malicious proposal given by his friend Ranjeet . He had thought that no one could ever come to know about this dark secret where they took advantage of an unconscious woman . Unfortunately she died and Dr Arjun was overburdened with guilt . After discarding her dead body they all had left with a promise of never speaking about this ever again and not recognizing each other in public . But Dr Arjun had come back to the farmhouse , read Roma 's diaries , moved around in the basement and seen her wardrobe . His mind had been extremely disturbed . He had a fraction of humanity in him which was slowly killing him . He felt extremely agitated and frustrated , His friend Ranjeet had traded his girlfriend 's trust and her life as a small bonus to the Painter , the inspector and him to keep their mouth shut about his shady business . He kept himself locked in the basement and his guilt made him lose his sanity . In his madness and in his rage towards these men he had killed them all . Mrs Leela visited her husband in the mental asylum where he sat gaping at the sky , she cried as he started crying inconsolably . He was still cross - dressed as a woman , possibly feeling things from Roma 's point of view . " It is never pleasure , to use unconscious people to your advantage . Dr Ranjeet sinha has been let off too easily . He deserved a more gruesome death " He said Mrs Leela wiped his tears knowing that he had indeed committed a gruesome crime but he had repented and he had done more than people do in today 's times . Even if he had been more human than most of the rapists , his doing was still unforgivable . The Righteous bahu in the serial had been changed , another lady was wrapped in a saree and she shed the same glycerine tears and mouthed the same cliched lines . Television seemed to be so much in Irony with real life .
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Happy New Year 's Eve ! This will be a short devotional as we are traveling through the mountains of Virginia and I 'm typing on a Blackberry . I was reading in 1 Thessalonians yesterday morning from The Message and it says that as Christians we are God - taught . Basically Paul was saying , " I don 't need to tell you how to live . God 's the teacher . He 's told you all you need to know . " 1 Thessalonians 4 : 9 - 12 tells us to love one another ! Get along with others , don 't stir the pot so to speak . We 're God - taught ! As Clay would say , " It ain 't rocket science . " I can 't cut and paste from Bible Gateway and my Bible is in the suitcase . You can either trust me on this or better yet , test me by reading it for yourself . Clay was reading in Thessalonians this morning and I asked him what he got out of it , just joking with him . The gist , keep on trudging forward , continue in the faith . I thought , " That 's a good word for the new year . Trudge forward … " When I think about the word " trudge " I think of heavy boots in deep snow or mud or being in a forest of thickety branches and it takes much effort to move forward . That 's how the Christian life is sometimes . It takes much effort to move forward . But Paul is challenging the Thessalonians to continue in their faith and move forward , endure . I believe the Lord is saying that to us as well . Keep the faith and trudge forward regardless of your circumstances . When if feels that the snow is too deep , the mud is too heavy , the thickets are too thick , trudge forward . For in the end , the reward is great ! Paul talks about how the Thessalonians received him and his men and recognized what they had to say not as words of men , but words of the Lord . You , our faithful website followers , have done the same for Deb and me . You have received our efforts of devotionals as words of God and we thank you for that . My friend Nicole came through her surgery well . The surgeon removed a kidney , her spleen and a large part of her pancreas in order to get to the tumor . However , the cancer appeared to be contained to the tumor and they were able to remove it all . Praise the Lord ! Further treatment has not been determined until the pathology report comes back staging and grading the sarcoma . Thank you for your prayers and for the emails that I received yesterday in prayer for Nicole and her family . We leave today to go to Smith Mountain Lake , VA to spend the weekend and New Year 's Eve with Clay 's family and extended family . I don 't know whether we 'll have internet access so if you do not hear from me , you 'll know why . I pray each of you have a fun and safe New Year 's holiday . Trudge forward ! There 's a great reward waiting on you ! " For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling ; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock . Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me ( emphasis mine ) … " ( Psalm 27 : 5 , 6 ) . I am sitting in the surgery waiting at SRHS with my friend Nicole 's family . Nicole is having surgery today to remove the sarcoma tumor that is lodged between her main organs and her spine . The Lord brought to my mind this morning Psalm 27 , a chapter that we read over and over through Hannah 's journey . I just re - read it myself and the above scripture jumped out at me . He holds our head up above the enemy . How encouraging ! That means He keeps our head above water . We will not be overtaken by the enemy of fear , the enemy of discouragement , the enemy of doubt . Our God is our salvation , whom shall we fear ? Dr . Corso called this morning and asked me to walk over to the cancer center and visit a patient who is going home today turned over to hospice . 48 year old lady dying from lung cancer . God will hold her head above water until He calls her home and then He will hold her families ' head above water through their storm . Read Psalm 27 today . You 'll be encouraged , too . Father , I come to You this morning for You to begin to redirect my heart and life for the close of this year and the beginning of a new one . I believe that You have set apart every one of Your children for Your divine plan and purpose . I desire to soak in Your presence and be filled with Your Spirit . I desire to be used by You for Your purposes . I desire to be spiritually disciplined in my life and disciplined in every area so that I can be all You have called me to be . I know Father , that I cannot possibly do these things in my own strength - I desperately need You to help me prioritize You as 1st place in my life each day . Thank You for speaking truth over my heart and mind this morning . I desire Your wisdom and guidance for this day . A truth that I heard several months ago rings loudly in my heart this morning : " It is easy to say " no " when there 's a deeper " yes " burning within . " Father , those things You have placed in our paths for us to accomplish are the " deeper yes " that burns within . Oh Father help me be very careful and deliberate about the things I say " yes " and " no " to in this coming year . Jesus always said " yes " to the things His Father had for him to accomplish . And Jesus always said " no " to the things that the Father had not directed him to . Being in tune with Your Spirit - answering Your call and Yours alone . Oh Father , I desire for You to teach me in that way . Help me " be quick to listen , slow to speak . . . " James 1 : 19 Help me not miss Your quiet voice speaking truth over my life and help me be available to You when Your Spirit speaks to me . Sometimes Lord , actually many times , I believe Your plan and purpose for us is to just to " be still in Your presence . " You don 't need anything from us - You are completely complete in who You are . You don 't need our help . The greater thing that You desire is for us to " rest in You . " Your burden is light and Your yoke is easy and You tell us that we can find rest for our souls in You . Matt . 11 : 28 " Come to " Give us all that is lacking in us - intensify our hunger and fire our devotion ; take the indifference from our spirits ; and have within us Your wonderful way and perfect will O God we pray and Amen . " " He sees Me most clearly who loves Me most dearly . " Oh Father , I desire to see You more and more clearly in this coming year . I desire to love You more dearly . Help my heart be fixed on things above so that I will not be held by worldly entanglements - " those who are listening to the voice of their beloved will not be deafened by the crisis of men . In a world filled with noises , each demanding attention , may I hear You . " You also encourage my heart this morning Lord by exhorting me that I will not " miss it . " " Be it ever so soft , I will hear You . " Certainly You desire for us to hear You - to be led by You . You are not a God who is far away - quite the contrary - You are a very near and present God and You delight in showing us Yourself . The example was given of Elizabeth in scripture when her " inner , involuntary response to the nearness of Christ " was that the baby leaped in her womb . The statement follows that " there shall be a revelation of My nearness given to My dear ones before my 2nd coming . " I want and desire that revelation in my life of Your nearness to Me - the reality of Your ever - present Spirit abiding with me . Awaken and heighten my spiritual senses to You . And in the same way , allow me to be discerning of those things that are not of Your Spirit . Let me anticipate You , and watch for You even this day . And then , Lord You take me to Jeremiah chapter 1and 2 . You know , Lord , You remind me that Jeremiah was a man - just like us . He was a man You had formed in his mother 's womb . He was a man You had set apart for Your plan and Your purpose . When You first came to him , he didn 't just " jump on board with You . In fact , he said , " Ah , Sovereign Lord , I do not know how to speak ; I am only a child . " You told him that You were going to put Your words into his mouth - this wasn 't about him - it was about Your word . And then You told him that You were watching to see that Your word was fulfilled . It isn 't our word and we don 't have to see that it is fulfilled - we are just instructed to speak " Your word . " You will fulfill it . You were about to bring judgment upon Your people - " because of their wickedness in forsaking me , in burning incense to other gods and in worshiping what their hands had made . " v . 16 You promise Your presence over Jeremiah 's life . " What fault did your fathers find in me , that they strayed so far from Me ? They followed worthless idols and became worthless themselves . They did not ask , " Where is the Lord , who brought us up out of Egypt and led us through the barren wilderness , through a land of deserts and rifts , a land of drought and darkness , a land where no one travels and no one lives ? I brought you into a fertile land to eat its fruit and rich produce . But you came and defiled my land and made my inheritance detestable . The priests did not ask , " Where is the Lord ? " Those who deal with the law did not know me ; the leaders rebelled against me . The prophets prophesied by Baal , following worthless idols . " Could this be a word for us today , Lord , in the body of Christ ? Have we forsaken our devotion to You ? Will disaster overtake us because we have not acknowledged You ? Could there be anything You are trying to say to us as Your children from things we are witnessing in the world around us ? You know , Lord , even the lack of water we witnessed in many places over the holidays makes me wonder . Will You use even that to draw us to Yourself ? How about this plague of cancer ? Will You use it to draw us to Yourself ? How about the welfare system and the ever - increasing burden of supporting many who are not on a payroll ? How about floods and wars and rumors of wars ? And then You bring Your charges against them . " Has a nation ever changed its gods ? ( Yet they are not gods at all . ) But my people have exchanged my Glory for worthless idols . . . My people have committed two sins : They have forsaken me , the spring of living water , and have dug their own cisterns , broken cisterns that cannot hold water . . . Have you not brought this on yourselves by forsaking the Lord your God when He led you in the way ? " Your heart and plan is to lead us in Your way . That is what I desire Lord - to be lead in Your way in this new year . Please Father , lead me in Your way and only in Your way . In the name of Jesus , I pray and Amen . Well , Christmas is " over , " the hustle and bustle is dwindling , and the need to get back to " life as usual " is in the air . I 'm one of those that the morning after Christmas I 'm ready to take down the tree , undecorate the house and " move on . " But just this morning I was thinking of how the day of Christ 's birth was only the beginning . The birth was celebrated for quite sometime . In fact , it was several months possibly close to two years before the wise men found the Christ child . The world in those days was not ready to " get back to normal " once they knew the Messiah had come . Instead , the excitement was greater as each day passed . Maybe we should rethink how we celebrate the birth of Christ . It is so ritualistic , isn 't it ? I 'm guilty of wanting to have traditions that Caleb will always remember . This year we did very well at setting aside time to watch Christmas movies . We probably watched 10 or 12 movies over the past four weeks . We start the tradition on Thanksgiving night and then try to watch two or three a week . Clay 's parents came down this past Saturday evening and we watched a movie each night while they were here , even watched two one night . We had such a good time ! Caleb tends to get very sentimental himself , even at age 16 and he loves " It 's a Wonderful Life . " So after having our Christmas Eve meal with Clay 's side of the family , we all loaded up and went to our Christmas Eve service at Cudd - Caleb , Michael and Andrew driving off in Caleb 's SUV , the rest of us in Mick and Deb 's new Pilot , all of us very aware of Hannah 's absence . Then we returned to our house for the fun part , exchanging gifts . We then moved upstairs to enjoy a late family movie , " It 's a Wonderful Life . " Our pastor had challenged us in the service to answer the question , " Where is He ? " referring to Christ . So our family ended the evening by joining hands , had a sweet prayer time and then Clay asked us , " Where is He ? " and we sang " He is Here , Hallelujah , He is Here , Amen ! He is Here , Holy , Holy ! I will bless His Name again . He is Here , listen closely , Here Him calling out your name . He is Here , you can touch Him , you will never be the same . " We missed Hannah through every step of the celebration . Then we had my side of the family over Christmas Day . We 're up to 26 in our family , much bigger than Clay 's side . And the announcement was made that we 'd have another addition next year and we all screamed and jumped up and down . My nephew , Brandon married his childhood sweetheart May 13 , 2006 . Their wedding was the weekend of Hannah 's surgery . So we had a bitter sweet weekend that year . We had just found out Hannah had cancer and we were celebrating Brandon and Blair 's wedding . Now they 're expecting their first baby . Our house is full and loud and messy with more food than anyone will ever eat . But we still try to get some kind of order to it all so that Clay can share the Christmas story . We realized yesterday for the first time that we already have a big family , and as the " grandkids " start having kids , it 's only going to get bigger . My nephew Brad and his wife are expecting a baby in January so we 'll have two babies next year . Crazy times ! But now it 's all over , everyone is returning to their busy schedules and we find ourselves living " The Next Day . " I think I 'm going to leave my Christmas stuff up for a few days as a reminder not to celebrate Christmas with a bang and then " get over " what we 're celebrating . I want to remain in the reminder mode for a few days . I don 't ever want to " get over " what Christ did for me . That 's my challenge to you as well . Today is The Next Day , what will you be doing today ? " When the angels had left them and gone into heaven , the shepherds said to one another , ' Let 's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened , which the Lord has told us about . ' So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph , and the baby , who was lying in the manger . When they had seen him , they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child , and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them . But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart . The shepherds returned , glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen , which were just as they had been told " ( Luke 2 : 15 - 20 ) . Lord , You know a week or so ago I read a chapter in Lucado 's " God Came Near " entitled , " The Question for the Canyon 's Edge . " I have pondered and mulled over its truths for over a week and You bring it to my heart yet again this morning . Maybe because more so than ever in my life , I am very aware that they are many this Christmas season , who are standing at the Canyon 's Edge . They are in positions , situations , circumstances so difficult - so hard , so impossible that without just absolutely clinging to You with everything they have - they will not be able to survive . They are in places of desperation . In Beth Moore 's Job series , she categorizes our " dilemas " in three groups . Places of 1 ) So what ? 2 ) So how ? Or 3 ) So Who ? The first category of folks is the " so what " category . The trials and circumstances they face are not " huge " things in their lives and life is going along pretty well . Everything is pretty smooth and they can take God just fine . No waves are being made and they don 't really have " such a need " for Him right now . Then there are those who find themselves in the " so how " category . The fire is a little hotter and their circumstances are a little harder but if they can just " ride " this thing out - it seems as if it is going to turn right out ok . Maybe the tests are run but the results bring good news . Maybe the situation just resolves itself . And then there are those who find themselves in the " so who " category . They are desperate for You and without You they know full they will sink in their current circumstance . They are in situations where only the " Who " is able to carry them . And that " Who " is You and You alone . You know Lord , You seem to continue to bring across my path those whose lives are in " So Who " situations . Just yesterday I ran into a precious aunt whose 5 year old niece is " weighing " in the balance this Christmas . We " just happened " to meet in SGG . I had heard her name many times and yesterday she introduced herself . We had a sweet time of fellowship and prayer we had together in the middle of the store . Earlier in the week I found myself in the presence of a precious older couple from church who this Christmas find themselves in an assisted living facility - separated and on different floors . I met another gentleman , a Dr . , who shared pictures of his family and of his years in service in our military - this Christmas he is living alone . A dear friend and neighbor " just happened " to call on Thursday morning during prayer time to share that her aged grandmother had come to live with You the evening before and this friend knew where she was . However , now her mother also has become " run down , " and ended up in the hospital facing surgery the day before her mother 's service . Other precious friends whose daughter , a classmate of Hannah 's , just had surgery this week and they find themselves in a hospital for Christmas again this year . Two other dear friends who both are facing Christmas with close loved ones in prison . Places where only a " So Who " is going to touch and meet the need . Oh Jesus I am desperate for You - we are desperate for You even when we don 't acknowledge it . Our " so what " situations can turn in a minute to a " So Who " situation . They are many , many who find themselves in So Who circumstances this Christmas season . Father , I desire for my heart to be tender to their hearts and lives . I desire to point them to You . I desire for You to allow me to be a blessing in their lives . Martha , in John chapter 11 found herself at the " Canyons Edge . " Her brother , Lazarus was dead and the only one who could have changed that situation hadn 't been there . " If God had been there - this situation would not have been this way . " Lucado says , " You see , if God is God anywhere , He has to be God in the face of death . ( and difficulty ) Pop psychology can deal with depression . Pep talks can deal with pessimism . Prosperity can handle hunger . But only God can deal with out ultimate dilemma - death . And the God of the bible has dared to stand on the canyon 's edge and offer an answer . He has to be God in the face of death . If not , He is not God at all . Jesus goes on to challenge Martha that Lazarus will rise again . She acknowledges that she knows he will rise at the resurrection . But Jesus pushes the issue to go on to exhort her that " I am the resurrection and the life . He who believes in me will live , even though he dies ; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die . " " It is a hinge point in history . A chink has been found in death 's armor . The keys to the halls of hell have been claimed . . . The stage has been set for a confrontation at Calvary . But Jesus isn 't though with Martha . With eyes locked on hers he asks the greatest question found in Scripture , a question meant as much for you and me as for Martha . " " Do you believe this ? " " Do you believe this ? " Do you believe this Jesus in the circumstance you find yourself in this Christmas ? Lucado says , " Jesus didn 't pose this query as a topic for discussion in Sunday schools . It was never intended to be dealt with while basking in the stained glass sunlight or while seated on padded pews . " " No . This is a canyon question . A question which makes sense only during an all - night vigil or . . when all of our props , crutches , and costumes are taken away . For then we must face ourselves as we really are : rudderless humans tailspinning toward disaster . And we are forced to see Him for what He claims to be : our only hope . " Jesus , there are many on my heart this morning who find themselves this Christmas at the Canyons Edge . Oh Jesus , reveal Yourself in new and fresh ways this Christmas . Turn the hearts of Your people to Yourself . Father , You met us and continue to meet us at our own " Canyon 's Edge . " It has been so amazing . For so many who find themselves there even this day , meet them also Jesus . I know You desire to . Tender their hearts to Yourself . Believing You is the only way . Trusting You is the only rest we will find for our souls . Allow my heart to always be tender to the hurts of those around me even when their faces strain to say everything is " just fine . " Everyone of us needs a fresh revelation of who You are - even this day ! Show me Yourself - even this day . Christ of Christmas - make Yourself at home among us and allow us to " see You " afresh and anew in the name above all others - the name of Jesus and Amen . Of course me and my sharp mind told him to read Matthew 34 . He called back to tell me that there is no Matthew 34 . Yeah , well , whatever . Details . Try Matthew 6 : 34 . Anyway , the point is that we do not need to borrow worries from tomorrow . Today has enough trouble all on its own . Doesn 't it ? I shared with Rex that he could easily drive himself crazy worrying about the what ifs . I can well remember Deb saying to me on the phone from Houston , " I just wish I could see 6 months out but God won 't allow me to see past today " and boy , was that ever best ! Had we been able to see what the end of our 6 month journey would have been , I can 't even imagine the condition of our minds . That 's why He 's God and we 're not . We can 't handle the big picture . All He wants us to see in the big plan is today . He does have a big ole plan and for us to worry about the details of that plan accomplishes nothing positive . I don 't know where you are in your Christian walk or what struggles you may be facing this Christmas season . But take comfort in knowing that God adorns the fields and feeds the birds and waters the grass and rearranges the furniture all by Himself . He can certainly handle our cancers of life , whatever those cancers may be . Don 't worry , be happy ! Take care of today and allow God to take care of tomorrow . Be careful out there in this crazy weekend - before - Christmas madness . I still have a couple of gifts left to buy . I may brave the mall at lunch today so as to avoid it this weekend . I pray each of you have a blessed day and look for opportunities to share Christ . Let me share this with you right quick before we sign off . I was in Verizon yesterday and the salesman said to me as I was leaving , " Have a good holiday . " I turned to him and smiled and said , " I hope you have a Merry Christmas . " He grinned and let me know by that smile that he was saying the politically correct greeting but he heard my point . He nodded and I left . I thought as I walked across the parking lot that a big ole company like Verizon probably sent out a corporate email that instructed all of their associates to not offend anyone this " holiday season " so to greet their customers with " Happy Holidays " rather than the offensive " Merry Christmas . " Whose offended ? 5 % of the population , maybe ? That 's the end of my rampage . Wish someone a Merry Christmas today ! Make their day ! Deb prayed during our weekly prayer time this morning , " God allow us to make deposits into others lives today . " My mind immediately went to a bank deposit . I remember when my younger sister opened her first checking account , I spent much of my time ( and money ) bailing her out of overdrafts . I remember saying to her , " Leigh , you can 't deposit $ 200 and spend $ 400 . It just doesn 't work that way . " Bless her heart . That same principle applies to our spiritual bank . If we never make deposits into the account , we will be in a deficit and will have nothing to draw from . How do we make spiritual deposits ? By a daily walk with Christ . Prayer and Bible study and then living what we read . Then when we need to withdraw spiritual encouragement , we have enough in our account to carry us ! That 's not where Deb was going with her prayer and her direction would make a great devotional as well . But since it was her idea , I 'll let her use it . I 'll just take it and twist it into a rabbit trail for myself . She 's used to that . Deb and I were sitting in the parking lot of the SRMC Hospice House this morning just " rehashing " the events in our lives and I said , " God has a big ole plan . " And you know , He does . So many times that plan makes absolutely no sense to us . Who would have thought that a year after Hannah passed away that her oncologist , Dr . Steve Corso whom we had never met and never wanted to ( professionally ) would be speaking to a group of hospice employees sharing Hannah 's story and what her faith has meant in his life ? Who would have thought that Hannah would have passed away from an ugly cancer ? Who would have thought so many events that have taken place over the months ? It 's all pretty unbelievable and sometimes we find ourselves wishing God 's plan had been different . Sunday night Caleb was working on a Spanish project and he needed pictures of himself at various ages . At 10 : 00 p . m . he and I started going through packs and boxes and albums of pictures and of course we came across many of Hannah . The first one we came to was one of the four of them ( Hannah , Michael , Andrew and Caleb ) the first Christmas that Caleb and I were part of the family . Caleb was 7 and Hannah was 10 . Caleb put his hand out and stopped me before I flipped the page of the album and he just stared at the picture . He didn 't say a word . He finally shook his head and flipped to another page . I 'm sure in his mind he was thinking , " I wish Hannah was still here . " I know that 's what I was thinking . But you know , God has a big ole plan . Before the foundations of the earth God had it all planned out . None of this " stuff " catches Him off guard . Nothing can or will happen to us that He 's not aware of . Rhonda and Jacob Robinson joined us this morning at the Hospice House and it was very emotional for me to have Jacob with us . He 's such a good kid and is doing so well at Texas A & M . Clay and I spent a good bit of time with him on Monday of this week and I told Caleb that night that Jacob is an incredible role model . His faith is secure and he has great aspirations . God used Hannah in Jacob 's life and now he 's using Jacob in many other lives . To think that 18 months ago we didn 't even know the Robinsons . I knew " of " Jacob because Hannah talked about him often , but I had not met him until Hannah was in Houston . Now he 's like a second son . I sent Rhonda a text message after we had lunch and said , " I just love your son " and I realized how true that statement is . It 's not by chance that the Robinsons " happened " into our lives . The same with so many others that we 've met while on this " unexpected " journey . God has a big ole plan . I 've shed a lot of tears today , tears of sadness , tears of thanksgiving , reminscent tears , tears of anticipation for what God is going to do . Sometimes I wish I knew what His big ole plan is , but I 'm sure it 's best that we only know the plan for this day . He has a big ole plan for you , too ! " For you created my inmost being ; you knit me together in my mother 's womb . I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made ; your works are wonderful , I know that full well … your eyes saw my unformed body . All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be " ( Psalm 139 : 13 , 14 & 16 ) . What a great word Deb posted this morning ! I have a friend from church , Nicole McGill who was diagnosed Friday with sarcoma . She has a tumor about the size of a tennis ball lodged between her major organs and her spine . She is meeting with a surgeon this morning to discuss surgery and then be referred to an oncologist . I prayed for Nicole and then I read Deb 's update . What a great reminder ! Don 't be afraid , even when times are bleak and our future is uncertain . I thought about Mary and Joseph . Mary surely questioned in her heart , " But , God , what about Joseph ? He 'll never believe that I 've been faithful and that this baby is the Son of God ! But , Lord , what about my parents ? They will never trust me again . Will they believe me ? " and I 'm sure the message from angel of the Lord whispered to Mary , " Don 't be afraid . " Then there 's Joseph . " But Lord , this baby is not mine and I 'm supposed to believe that it was a miraculous conception ? That Mary is a chosen one from you to bear the Messiah ? But Lord , what will others think ? " and I 'm sure the message from the angel of the Lord whispered to Joseph , " Don 't be afraid . " I 'm sure Nicole is saying in her heart this morning , " But Lord , I 'm 36 with 3 young children . I 've been diagnosed with sarcoma and face a very extensive surgery and then treatment to follow . But Lord , how can this be best for me ? I know Your word says ' I know the plans I have for you . Plans to prosper you and not to harm you . Plans for a hope and a future . ' But Lord , this doesn 't seem like a very hopeful future . " And the Lord whispers to Nicole , as He does to each of us , " Don 't be afraid . " What are you facing this Christmas season ? Are you afraid today ? Are there circumstances in your life that cause you to be anxious and fearful ? Don 't be afraid ! God has it all under control . I used the world wide web to search the words , " Do not be afraid " and found them 65 times in the Bible , 24 " Don 't be afraid " , and I 'm sure many more referencing " fear . " There must be something to this ! Take heart today . God has a message for you .
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So , the final day has come . I 'd like to take a little moment to say that I 've thoroughly enjoyed this challenge , it 's been nice to blog about things that aren 't my usual thing , but the day to day blogging is just a bit too much for me ! I think it 's probably just because I 've been so busy this month ( typically ) but it 's been a little challenge fitting it in everyday , and I certainly haven 't had a consistent time of posting ! Somehow , I was always my uncle Vic 's favourite . We all knew it , and I don 't think anyone particularly minded ( I hope not ) , because I always used my powers of persuasion to benefit the whole group ( two cousins , my sister and I ) . I remember one evening Naomi and I sat in the car listening to songs - kung fo fighting was certainly one of them , when we decided that we wanted to have a sleepover but it wasn 't planned . Natalie and Naomi convinced me it was my job to go and ask , so I figured out what to say , put on my best puppy eyes , wrinkled my hands together and walked in . I stood and explained how we had just had so much fun that we didn 't want it to end and that we 'd like to invite ourselves to stay over his house , if that was possible . OF COURSE HE SAID YES . haha , well he looked at my mum a couple of times ( I 'm guess they were checking with each other before he committed ) and then said yes . So we drove to his and I remember he had a very excitable dog - I think it was a collie . And then I remember us all in the living room listening to B ' Witched - blame it on the weather man , and the post man one ( because Vic was once a post man ) . Letting go isn 't something you can do over night . I don 't believe it 's something you can make yourself do or talk yourself into , it happens in its own time . You have to go through certain things and emotions to suitably exhaust yourself of the topic . Sometimes you don 't even notice that you 've let go , sometimes you 're over it and you 've let it go before you even realise ( that 's the best ) . Letting go is accepting it isn 't anymore , it won 't be whatever you want it to be , it can 't be the same again - whether it 's a death or the end of a relationship or getting over someone . For me , seeing as I don 't overly remember my granddad dying ( well I do , but I didn 't understand enough to feel like I needed to let go ) and no one else I know who has died , letting go is of friends and relationships that didn 't work out . As I mentioned above , with friendships that don 't work out , they 're the ones I haven 't realised until I 've actually already let go , which is nice as it doesn 't make me sad . But relationships , yeah I was guilty of holding on to one for far too long . It was something that wasn 't good for me , and made me sad and worried and blame myself , when it wasn 't to do with me , it was his own insecurities . But I couldn 't let go of that for a long time , mainly because I felt like I 'd been the one to mess things up and I wanted to put them right , or at least be the one in the right if they messed up again . But a couple of years down the line , every emotion you 've ever thought of a fair few times over , lots of thoughts , dreams , tears and worries later . . . I 've let go . I 've closed that chapter and I 'm at peace with it . Of course Michael helped me with that , by showing me how good a boy can be , and how you should be treated and can even expect to be treated . Michael and I are partners , more than anything else . We 're a two - man team who consult each other and discuss things , we work stuff out and we keep each other informed . Michael 's love is always secure and I know it will never falter . And I 've never had that before . I don 't have anything else I feel like I need to let go of ; no bad feelings , anger , sadness . I 'm generally content . I deal with issues as they arise , and if I 'm able to talk them through with that person in that situation then I 'm already over it . So yeah , perhaps this isn 't what I was supposed to do today , but I let it take me wherever it wanted to , as usual and here we are ! Day 29 , Wednesday : Five songs or pieces of music that speak to you or bring back memories . I LOVE THIS PROMPT ! at first I was nervous but it 's realllllllllllly great now haha . I don 't know if I was supposed to share the memory too but it was too fun not to ! 1 . David Guetta - memories . It reminds me of the trip I took to Bournemouth to visit my friend Daniella back in first year during the summer . We got crazy drunk and partied too hard - oh those days when drinking was still fun ! Plus it 's a great song . 2 . Florence and the Machine - you got the love . In second year , before all our house fell out , we had one great great great night out that we labelled ' ladies night ' . I was being lame and pretended I didn 't want to go out as we had a lecture on the Friday , but pre drinks were half underway when I changed my mind and joined in the fun . It was just girls from our house and we all got just tipsy , not drunk , climbed up on the counter ( our landlord had foolishly said that the girls who lived there before had done that so of course we had to try it out ! ) and sang our hearts out to this song . Such a good night . 3 . Snow Patrol - Set Fire to the Third Bar . I have to fit Michael in here somewhere don 't I ? Well this was ' our song ' many many many many many moons ago , I 'm thinking what . . when we were 14 ? ! But it is a good song and some of the lyrics are particularly apt at the moment . 4 . X - Press 2 Feat . David Byrne - Lazy . Before my parents split up we would have gatherings with a couple of other families . There would be food - a meal or BBQ , games for all the kids and lots of chat and dancing for the adults . This song reminds me of those times cause I can see everyone singing along in their drunken stupor , ha , and particularly of my dad because he does the little bit at 2 : 58 / 3 : 00 . 5 . Devo - Whip It . OH THIS SONG . haha Natalie and I heard it on a film - I think something like how to lose a guy in ten days , some chick flick like that , and we loved it from then on . I also had a dream that she 'd died once and this song played a couple of days later and I burst into tears , she 's fine though , obviously haha . But yes , younger times with less stress are always welcome . WHAT A WEIRD VIDEO THOUGH ! I 've never watched it before ha As I said at the start , great prompt . I 'm excited to read what everyone else comes up with ! Kinda sad I didn 't do the songs that spoke to me , but it 'd probably end up a bit too deep and I cry when that happens so yeah , for the best really . ha I don 't have any money . Especially after Liverpool at the weekend ( what an expensive city ! ) but I was buying a birthday present yesterday after work , and as I came down the escalators this little number caught my eye . . in Tammy . haha Tammy makes clothes for girls aged , hmm , 10 - 16 ? Basically a teenage make ( not for 21 year olds ) but it 's so much cheaper than adult clothing ! ! So I tried it on , and was too impressed not to get it haha . I mean look at that collar , it 's beautiful . Unfortunately the weather 's been awful again so it 's more inside photos . . I WISH THE SUN WOULD COME BACK . It was lovely when it was around . Anywho , I 'm off to Harriet 's for a catch up with my two best girls ! It 's been too long ( hey ladies ; ) I have to pop to the shop before hand too so yes , I had best be on my way . Well after my ice cream . . . Dear readers , you make me happy . the end . Haha no , I appreciate you all so much . I don 't have a ' thing ' or a ' niche ' that I tend to blog about , I blog quite generally about my life . I feel like this little site is really for me , and all of my memories , and keeping in touch with my family , so for you to come along for the ride too feels extra special : ) I love that some of us have made little friendships , and that you come from all over the world . So yeah , extra big special thank you . And if you ever have any criticisms then let me know , I do well with feedback : D Sophie comes up to me and says , whilst pointing , aww look at your little fat bits . and she 's referencing that annoying flabby piece of skin that always creeps up at your armpit that 's worsened with the top strap . Before then I hadn 't really noticed weight or fat or anything , so it was a little bit of a shock . And ever since , I 've resented those little rascals . One of my jobs at uni is to train people in listening . I was paired with my friend Julian who hadn 't trained before , so I let him take the lead and give it a good go whilst I was there for back up ; a couple of times he faltered and got confused , but I let him find his feet and carry on ( and rescue him when he really did need it ! ) . He said to me , a couple of weeks following this , that he was really glad to be paired with me because he learned that things can be fun and serious , depending on which topic you 're discussing , and that it 's important to be both . He said he also learned techniques to control and encourage a group , and that it was generally a positive learning experience for him too . Which is jolly nice feedback to hear : ) I am still on the weekend away , but I 've got this on schedule so hopefully it 's working out . . ? ! ? ( Yeah , it clearly didn 't . Stupid blogger . ) My hair has felt a bit too dry recently so I wanted to try a natural remedy and read about using eggs . So I googled it and found this . It 's not true , it made my hair worse , and now it feels kinda like straw - it did NOT feel like straw in the first place . I am not impressed and I am not happy . I accept it must work for some people as the comments are like hooray ! yes ! I do this too ! Yippee ! It 's great ! But , it 's not for me . I can 't be on the bandwagon because I 'm angry at it right now . I am a control freak , and a natural born leader . If I see that people aren 't doing things in the most efficient way / they could do it easier / they 're destined to fail / it isn 't right , then I have to speak up . and I have to suggest another way for them to do it . Even with elders . My lecturer yesterday put a carrier bag in her big bag so she could ride her bike home , but it was poking out the top so the rain was going to get to it and I had to suggest that she put it in the other way around . . my bad . I like to have a plan . If I don 't have a rough plan things go wrong . I can definitely sway from the plan if something better takes my fancy - it 's not an autistic thing - but yeah , for weekends away / holidays / gatherings , I roughly like to know how things are going to go so I can prepare myself for them . I have to prepare myself for things . It 's like a little pep talk , I have to win myself over for a little bit before I can actually be okay with something . It takes about a day , which is why I don 't like things thrust on me , but I can actually manage when things are thrust on me , I think it 's the time in - between that makes me unsettled . I think it 's developed this year since living with non - friends but not accepting that as a reason not to do things ( I would 't miss out on something just because I might have to go alone ) . So yes , another interesting one ! I am off on a weekend away with some of my girl - friends today , a couple of drunken nights out which . . shall be amusing . I 'm sure I 'll report most of the mischief when I get back but that does mean I might not be able to get to the challenge over the next couple of days - of course I 'll catch up . Have a lovely weekend : ) The importance of listening . People can really open up and take a weight off their shoulders if you let them know that someone does actually care . There are a lot more but I 'm not going to go there , I think 5 is good : ) I can 't wait to see what everyone else posts today - this is a great prompt ! Day 22 , Wednesday : Rant about something . Get up on your soapbox and tell us how you really feel . ( a pet peeve , a current event , a controversial topic , something your husband or roommate or neighbor or boss does that really ticks you off ) err . I make lots of little complaints all the time , but I don 't think I have a big one at the moment . Um . How quick iPhone 's lose their battery ? How my phone is the SLOWEST phone of all time and I NEED a new one as it drives me insane and no one really gets it because their phones are fine ? Something along those lines . I did try and buy a new one when I was paid a lot recently , but then it turned out to be faulty so I had to return it , and I didn 't get round to buying another one . But for those few days , I realised what it was like to have a quick functioning phone , that made it easier to talk to Michael , there was an app to send him letters , I could have all my favourite apps back that have been lost due to the IOS update ( whatsapp , instagram to name a few ) . hmmmm yeah . So I 'd like a new phone , but until I get a job . . . not likely . I don 't know the next step , and I don 't like not knowing the next step to be able to plan around . Michael says it 's fun and exciting . . but when it means I 'll be living at home with my dad , with a masters degree . . and I 'm in a job that I 'm over - qualified for . Hmph . And Michael , being in Afghanistan until September . Do I start before he gets back ? Do I ask for that extra month off ? He 's just said that he 'll probably be the most free from October on , I can 't be starting a new job and asking to take my leave immediately . So do I not get a job until after Christmas ? I can hear my boss in my head saying ' don 't do anything just for a boy ' but Michael isn 't just any boy , he 's THE boy , he 's the best boy , I 'd do anything for him . and then I hear my mum saying ' you 've been working really hard for four years straight , I think you should take a bit of a break ' , and my sister saying ( more generally rather than in relation to this ) ' enjoy the time you get with Michael now before the rest of real - life gets to you ' . And all of that tells me that the real world , and real life , can wait a little bit longer . I have so much time to be a social worker and start whatever qualification is in fashion ( NQSW / ASYE ) , but I won 't have this time with Michael again . But if Michael wasn 't around , then I 'd be jumping straight into it , but does that mean that 's what I should do , really ? I honestly don 't think so . I think I could have any kind of job for a little while , I have support work for over summer to tide me over a bit . Michael is my priority at the moment . Perhaps that means , in the grand scheme of things , that the job that 's meant for me isn 't available until next year ? Perhaps it 's all already planned out ? WHO KNOWS . I 've already applied for one job and not got it , now I 've applied for another , and there is another that I 'm considering applying for . Maybe I should just do these two applications and see what happens ? Michael doesn 't even know if he 's back for good in September or sometime earlier , but I 'm personally working towards September because I can 't let my heart hope that it 's any earlier . So how can I let this decision ride on that ? The army has never been great to Michael , it always messes him around , so I can 't and don 't expect anything to go perfectly this time either . He tells me not to base any of my decisions on him and to do what 's best for me , but what 's best for me is what 's best for both of us , so how can I not partially base it on him ? HomeBirdEconomics - my sister accidentally got me into blogging ( if she was doing it I was doing it . ) and I love how different our lives are , but that we can keep in touch through the blogs . Things that she does ( making your own washing powder and such ) blow my mind , and I just find it really interesting . Plus I love little updates about their life . Just me , my soldier and our 4 little chicks - Stephanie . Oh Stephanie . I have been reading Stephanie since before I even had a blog or realised I liked to read blogs . I found her many years ago when I was looking for inspiration for some scrapbook pages , and I kinda just stuck around for the ride . I love that she blogs a lot about her super - fancy - soldier - husband and babies because they are so sweet and funny . and I like that she 's a real person too ; she 's taken time out of her busy day to help me out with things with Michael , and I really appreciate that ( plus she 's hilarious ) . ( Check out all of her ' wordless wednesday posts to get a good sense of her blog ! ) hmm it 's difficult from here - I like the little magpie and whiskey tango foxtrot for two very different reasons . The little magpie because she always wears lovely clothes and demonstrates very well how to style things ( really big prints that you think are hideous until you see them on someone ) , and whiskey tango foxtrot because shes another army wife who 's sharing her tales of life while they 're posted in Germany for now . She 's also pregnant and keeps blogging about that , I love that . what I 've noticed about all of these is that they 're lifestyle blogs . I am such a fan of peeking at someone else 's life for a little bit - feeling involved or not . So yeah . Looking forward to finding some new ones today too ! Hermmm . . I have lots of memories , so which one to choose ( I 'm always so spoiled for choice . and I feel lucky for that ) . and in all of them , my sister appears ! I can 't wait to read which memory she chose for today , to see if I 'll feature in that one . We were visiting my grandparents . . I kind of feel like it was actually at my Great Aunt Margaret 's house for some reason , but that doesn 't really make sense so it must have been their own house in Kent . Well , we didn 't get to visit our grandparents all too often as it was quite far away etc , so it was always fun when we did ( and they lived near this amusement place so it was always exciting ! ) . Anywho , I don 't know how we go to it , but Natalie and I decided to ' make over ' nan and granddad , I think it might have had something to do with nan having her hair in rollers , so yeah we just ran with it from there . It all started out tame , for nan we did the normal eye shadow , and lipstick etc . . and then it got a bit crazy . We started using mascara on granddads bald patches to kind of draw - on hair , we put foundation on them - even granddad - and eyeshadow etc , the works . and when we were done , we were super proud of our work , because it looked like they were wearing make up , and that was the goal , ha ! I must add , we were far too young at that point to even be using make up ourselves , let alone know how to put it on someone else . And in reflection , I can 't really believe I have this memory , because if you met my granddad , he is a very proper man and the man I know now doesn 't really translate to someone who would let me put mascara on his head , but , people surprise you and this is a lovely memory that I 'm glad I have . There is a photo somewhere at home , gutted I can 't feature it . Neither of them were annoyed , and in true good - parenting style they pretended they loved it , didn 't wash it off immediately , and Natalie and I went off to bed happy . It never happened again though . . I wonder if we even asked . haha , I am so looking forward to reading everyone else 's memory today : D After finding this incredible video , I knew my next purchase had to have some kind of bronzer in it , so I can have a god at the ol ' sculpting hype . I only have one blusher so I thought I 'd spread my wings with a pinker one , and who doesn 't love a nice shade of red ? It was that or plum . . and red usually makes me happier ( wrong choice thinking about it , I have 4 red shades and one purple , that I gave away . Ohhh buyers remorse ) . I have one super fancy nail because my friend got my other friend an OPI nail varnish on her trip to America and I wanted to try it out ( it 's super glittery ! ) it makes me happy because I feel like I have a mermaid nail . I 'm obsessed with mermaids at the moment . I filed them all down to a more managable length since this post , it 'll save me getting some terrible rip and my hands needed occupying whilst watching MIC . Super lovely ! I am off to work now , and then to Rosi 's for dinner ( she 's making lasagne and I 'm taking garlic bread ) . Eley and I went to the gym earlier so I 'm feeling super pumped about life in general aha . One more essay to submit and I 'm almost free ! The weather is close today that I 've walked around with a constant headache , ( it 's not water or sleep so I have no other reason to be hurting ! ) I had so much fun at graduation . I had been working hard for three years to get to that day , and I was so so so so so excited for everything . The gown , the hat , the photo 's , the walking up , the shaking hand , the standing proud , the even more photos , the happy people , the family , the fancy dress , the nice hair . Everything fit together well on that day , and I don 't care that it rained , or that Michael and I almost fell over on the ice , or that it wasn 't in summer with my friends on other courses . It was the day I wanted , and it went according to MY plan : ) and it makes me so excited for the next one ! ! everything else I can deal with . Yeah I have 12 , 000 words to submit on Monday , that 's fine . Yeah my boy 's out in Afghanistan , that 's okay , we 're managing . My family are a good 7 hours away , I 'm missing my niece , but I get regular updates . I 'm good at managing , I reflect on my general day to day and I always let my feelings out , so nothing is ever really on top of me ( unless I 'm on my period , then I have little time for anyone else , that 's such a bad week ) . I guess something that I can 't change ( which is my lot ? is that right ? something that I have that affects me and I can 't really do anything about it so how I can manage it ? who knows . ) is ( something I 've blogged about before ) PCOS . That one does bother me . It changes my moods all over the place , I have so many side effects , I always have to work on my diet and exercise . . it 's a whole kettle of fish .
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So , the final day has come . I 'd like to take a little moment to say that I 've thoroughly enjoyed this challenge , it 's been nice to blog about things that aren 't my usual thing , but the day to day blogging is just a bit too much for me ! I think it 's probably just because I 've been so busy this month ( typically ) but it 's been a little challenge fitting it in everyday , and I certainly haven 't had a consistent time of posting ! Somehow , I was always my uncle Vic 's favourite . We all knew it , and I don 't think anyone particularly minded ( I hope not ) , because I always used my powers of persuasion to benefit the whole group ( two cousins , my sister and I ) . I remember one evening Naomi and I sat in the car listening to songs - kung fo fighting was certainly one of them , when we decided that we wanted to have a sleepover but it wasn 't planned . Natalie and Naomi convinced me it was my job to go and ask , so I figured out what to say , put on my best puppy eyes , wrinkled my hands together and walked in . I stood and explained how we had just had so much fun that we didn 't want it to end and that we 'd like to invite ourselves to stay over his house , if that was possible . OF COURSE HE SAID YES . haha , well he looked at my mum a couple of times ( I 'm guess they were checking with each other before he committed ) and then said yes . So we drove to his and I remember he had a very excitable dog - I think it was a collie . And then I remember us all in the living room listening to B ' Witched - blame it on the weather man , and the post man one ( because Vic was once a post man ) . Letting go isn 't something you can do over night . I don 't believe it 's something you can make yourself do or talk yourself into , it happens in its own time . You have to go through certain things and emotions to suitably exhaust yourself of the topic . Sometimes you don 't even notice that you 've let go , sometimes you 're over it and you 've let it go before you even realise ( that 's the best ) . Letting go is accepting it isn 't anymore , it won 't be whatever you want it to be , it can 't be the same again - whether it 's a death or the end of a relationship or getting over someone . For me , seeing as I don 't overly remember my granddad dying ( well I do , but I didn 't understand enough to feel like I needed to let go ) and no one else I know who has died , letting go is of friends and relationships that didn 't work out . As I mentioned above , with friendships that don 't work out , they 're the ones I haven 't realised until I 've actually already let go , which is nice as it doesn 't make me sad . But relationships , yeah I was guilty of holding on to one for far too long . It was something that wasn 't good for me , and made me sad and worried and blame myself , when it wasn 't to do with me , it was his own insecurities . But I couldn 't let go of that for a long time , mainly because I felt like I 'd been the one to mess things up and I wanted to put them right , or at least be the one in the right if they messed up again . But a couple of years down the line , every emotion you 've ever thought of a fair few times over , lots of thoughts , dreams , tears and worries later . . . I 've let go . I 've closed that chapter and I 'm at peace with it . Of course Michael helped me with that , by showing me how good a boy can be , and how you should be treated and can even expect to be treated . Michael and I are partners , more than anything else . We 're a two - man team who consult each other and discuss things , we work stuff out and we keep each other informed . Michael 's love is always secure and I know it will never falter . And I 've never had that before . I don 't have anything else I feel like I need to let go of ; no bad feelings , anger , sadness . I 'm generally content . I deal with issues as they arise , and if I 'm able to talk them through with that person in that situation then I 'm already over it . So yeah , perhaps this isn 't what I was supposed to do today , but I let it take me wherever it wanted to , as usual and here we are ! Day 29 , Wednesday : Five songs or pieces of music that speak to you or bring back memories . I LOVE THIS PROMPT ! at first I was nervous but it 's realllllllllllly great now haha . I don 't know if I was supposed to share the memory too but it was too fun not to ! 1 . David Guetta - memories . It reminds me of the trip I took to Bournemouth to visit my friend Daniella back in first year during the summer . We got crazy drunk and partied too hard - oh those days when drinking was still fun ! Plus it 's a great song . 2 . Florence and the Machine - you got the love . In second year , before all our house fell out , we had one great great great night out that we labelled ' ladies night ' . I was being lame and pretended I didn 't want to go out as we had a lecture on the Friday , but pre drinks were half underway when I changed my mind and joined in the fun . It was just girls from our house and we all got just tipsy , not drunk , climbed up on the counter ( our landlord had foolishly said that the girls who lived there before had done that so of course we had to try it out ! ) and sang our hearts out to this song . Such a good night . 3 . Snow Patrol - Set Fire to the Third Bar . I have to fit Michael in here somewhere don 't I ? Well this was ' our song ' many many many many many moons ago , I 'm thinking what . . when we were 14 ? ! But it is a good song and some of the lyrics are particularly apt at the moment . 4 . X - Press 2 Feat . David Byrne - Lazy . Before my parents split up we would have gatherings with a couple of other families . There would be food - a meal or BBQ , games for all the kids and lots of chat and dancing for the adults . This song reminds me of those times cause I can see everyone singing along in their drunken stupor , ha , and particularly of my dad because he does the little bit at 2 : 58 / 3 : 00 . 5 . Devo - Whip It . OH THIS SONG . haha Natalie and I heard it on a film - I think something like how to lose a guy in ten days , some chick flick like that , and we loved it from then on . I also had a dream that she 'd died once and this song played a couple of days later and I burst into tears , she 's fine though , obviously haha . But yes , younger times with less stress are always welcome . WHAT A WEIRD VIDEO THOUGH ! I 've never watched it before ha As I said at the start , great prompt . I 'm excited to read what everyone else comes up with ! Kinda sad I didn 't do the songs that spoke to me , but it 'd probably end up a bit too deep and I cry when that happens so yeah , for the best really . ha I don 't have any money . Especially after Liverpool at the weekend ( what an expensive city ! ) but I was buying a birthday present yesterday after work , and as I came down the escalators this little number caught my eye . . in Tammy . haha Tammy makes clothes for girls aged , hmm , 10 - 16 ? Basically a teenage make ( not for 21 year olds ) but it 's so much cheaper than adult clothing ! ! So I tried it on , and was too impressed not to get it haha . I mean look at that collar , it 's beautiful . Unfortunately the weather 's been awful again so it 's more inside photos . . I WISH THE SUN WOULD COME BACK . It was lovely when it was around . Anywho , I 'm off to Harriet 's for a catch up with my two best girls ! It 's been too long ( hey ladies ; ) I have to pop to the shop before hand too so yes , I had best be on my way . Well after my ice cream . . . Dear readers , you make me happy . the end . Haha no , I appreciate you all so much . I don 't have a ' thing ' or a ' niche ' that I tend to blog about , I blog quite generally about my life . I feel like this little site is really for me , and all of my memories , and keeping in touch with my family , so for you to come along for the ride too feels extra special : ) I love that some of us have made little friendships , and that you come from all over the world . So yeah , extra big special thank you . And if you ever have any criticisms then let me know , I do well with feedback : D Sophie comes up to me and says , whilst pointing , aww look at your little fat bits . and she 's referencing that annoying flabby piece of skin that always creeps up at your armpit that 's worsened with the top strap . Before then I hadn 't really noticed weight or fat or anything , so it was a little bit of a shock . And ever since , I 've resented those little rascals . One of my jobs at uni is to train people in listening . I was paired with my friend Julian who hadn 't trained before , so I let him take the lead and give it a good go whilst I was there for back up ; a couple of times he faltered and got confused , but I let him find his feet and carry on ( and rescue him when he really did need it ! ) . He said to me , a couple of weeks following this , that he was really glad to be paired with me because he learned that things can be fun and serious , depending on which topic you 're discussing , and that it 's important to be both . He said he also learned techniques to control and encourage a group , and that it was generally a positive learning experience for him too . Which is jolly nice feedback to hear : ) I am still on the weekend away , but I 've got this on schedule so hopefully it 's working out . . ? ! ? ( Yeah , it clearly didn 't . Stupid blogger . ) My hair has felt a bit too dry recently so I wanted to try a natural remedy and read about using eggs . So I googled it and found this . It 's not true , it made my hair worse , and now it feels kinda like straw - it did NOT feel like straw in the first place . I am not impressed and I am not happy . I accept it must work for some people as the comments are like hooray ! yes ! I do this too ! Yippee ! It 's great ! But , it 's not for me . I can 't be on the bandwagon because I 'm angry at it right now . I am a control freak , and a natural born leader . If I see that people aren 't doing things in the most efficient way / they could do it easier / they 're destined to fail / it isn 't right , then I have to speak up . and I have to suggest another way for them to do it . Even with elders . My lecturer yesterday put a carrier bag in her big bag so she could ride her bike home , but it was poking out the top so the rain was going to get to it and I had to suggest that she put it in the other way around . . my bad . I like to have a plan . If I don 't have a rough plan things go wrong . I can definitely sway from the plan if something better takes my fancy - it 's not an autistic thing - but yeah , for weekends away / holidays / gatherings , I roughly like to know how things are going to go so I can prepare myself for them . I have to prepare myself for things . It 's like a little pep talk , I have to win myself over for a little bit before I can actually be okay with something . It takes about a day , which is why I don 't like things thrust on me , but I can actually manage when things are thrust on me , I think it 's the time in - between that makes me unsettled . I think it 's developed this year since living with non - friends but not accepting that as a reason not to do things ( I would 't miss out on something just because I might have to go alone ) . So yes , another interesting one ! I am off on a weekend away with some of my girl - friends today , a couple of drunken nights out which . . shall be amusing . I 'm sure I 'll report most of the mischief when I get back but that does mean I might not be able to get to the challenge over the next couple of days - of course I 'll catch up . Have a lovely weekend : ) The importance of listening . People can really open up and take a weight off their shoulders if you let them know that someone does actually care . There are a lot more but I 'm not going to go there , I think 5 is good : ) I can 't wait to see what everyone else posts today - this is a great prompt ! Day 22 , Wednesday : Rant about something . Get up on your soapbox and tell us how you really feel . ( a pet peeve , a current event , a controversial topic , something your husband or roommate or neighbor or boss does that really ticks you off ) err . I make lots of little complaints all the time , but I don 't think I have a big one at the moment . Um . How quick iPhone 's lose their battery ? How my phone is the SLOWEST phone of all time and I NEED a new one as it drives me insane and no one really gets it because their phones are fine ? Something along those lines . I did try and buy a new one when I was paid a lot recently , but then it turned out to be faulty so I had to return it , and I didn 't get round to buying another one . But for those few days , I realised what it was like to have a quick functioning phone , that made it easier to talk to Michael , there was an app to send him letters , I could have all my favourite apps back that have been lost due to the IOS update ( whatsapp , instagram to name a few ) . hmmmm yeah . So I 'd like a new phone , but until I get a job . . . not likely . I don 't know the next step , and I don 't like not knowing the next step to be able to plan around . Michael says it 's fun and exciting . . but when it means I 'll be living at home with my dad , with a masters degree . . and I 'm in a job that I 'm over - qualified for . Hmph . And Michael , being in Afghanistan until September . Do I start before he gets back ? Do I ask for that extra month off ? He 's just said that he 'll probably be the most free from October on , I can 't be starting a new job and asking to take my leave immediately . So do I not get a job until after Christmas ? I can hear my boss in my head saying ' don 't do anything just for a boy ' but Michael isn 't just any boy , he 's THE boy , he 's the best boy , I 'd do anything for him . and then I hear my mum saying ' you 've been working really hard for four years straight , I think you should take a bit of a break ' , and my sister saying ( more generally rather than in relation to this ) ' enjoy the time you get with Michael now before the rest of real - life gets to you ' . And all of that tells me that the real world , and real life , can wait a little bit longer . I have so much time to be a social worker and start whatever qualification is in fashion ( NQSW / ASYE ) , but I won 't have this time with Michael again . But if Michael wasn 't around , then I 'd be jumping straight into it , but does that mean that 's what I should do , really ? I honestly don 't think so . I think I could have any kind of job for a little while , I have support work for over summer to tide me over a bit . Michael is my priority at the moment . Perhaps that means , in the grand scheme of things , that the job that 's meant for me isn 't available until next year ? Perhaps it 's all already planned out ? WHO KNOWS . I 've already applied for one job and not got it , now I 've applied for another , and there is another that I 'm considering applying for . Maybe I should just do these two applications and see what happens ? Michael doesn 't even know if he 's back for good in September or sometime earlier , but I 'm personally working towards September because I can 't let my heart hope that it 's any earlier . So how can I let this decision ride on that ? The army has never been great to Michael , it always messes him around , so I can 't and don 't expect anything to go perfectly this time either . He tells me not to base any of my decisions on him and to do what 's best for me , but what 's best for me is what 's best for both of us , so how can I not partially base it on him ? HomeBirdEconomics - my sister accidentally got me into blogging ( if she was doing it I was doing it . ) and I love how different our lives are , but that we can keep in touch through the blogs . Things that she does ( making your own washing powder and such ) blow my mind , and I just find it really interesting . Plus I love little updates about their life . Just me , my soldier and our 4 little chicks - Stephanie . Oh Stephanie . I have been reading Stephanie since before I even had a blog or realised I liked to read blogs . I found her many years ago when I was looking for inspiration for some scrapbook pages , and I kinda just stuck around for the ride . I love that she blogs a lot about her super - fancy - soldier - husband and babies because they are so sweet and funny . and I like that she 's a real person too ; she 's taken time out of her busy day to help me out with things with Michael , and I really appreciate that ( plus she 's hilarious ) . ( Check out all of her ' wordless wednesday posts to get a good sense of her blog ! ) hmm it 's difficult from here - I like the little magpie and whiskey tango foxtrot for two very different reasons . The little magpie because she always wears lovely clothes and demonstrates very well how to style things ( really big prints that you think are hideous until you see them on someone ) , and whiskey tango foxtrot because shes another army wife who 's sharing her tales of life while they 're posted in Germany for now . She 's also pregnant and keeps blogging about that , I love that . what I 've noticed about all of these is that they 're lifestyle blogs . I am such a fan of peeking at someone else 's life for a little bit - feeling involved or not . So yeah . Looking forward to finding some new ones today too ! Hermmm . . I have lots of memories , so which one to choose ( I 'm always so spoiled for choice . and I feel lucky for that ) . and in all of them , my sister appears ! I can 't wait to read which memory she chose for today , to see if I 'll feature in that one . We were visiting my grandparents . . I kind of feel like it was actually at my Great Aunt Margaret 's house for some reason , but that doesn 't really make sense so it must have been their own house in Kent . Well , we didn 't get to visit our grandparents all too often as it was quite far away etc , so it was always fun when we did ( and they lived near this amusement place so it was always exciting ! ) . Anywho , I don 't know how we go to it , but Natalie and I decided to ' make over ' nan and granddad , I think it might have had something to do with nan having her hair in rollers , so yeah we just ran with it from there . It all started out tame , for nan we did the normal eye shadow , and lipstick etc . . and then it got a bit crazy . We started using mascara on granddads bald patches to kind of draw - on hair , we put foundation on them - even granddad - and eyeshadow etc , the works . and when we were done , we were super proud of our work , because it looked like they were wearing make up , and that was the goal , ha ! I must add , we were far too young at that point to even be using make up ourselves , let alone know how to put it on someone else . And in reflection , I can 't really believe I have this memory , because if you met my granddad , he is a very proper man and the man I know now doesn 't really translate to someone who would let me put mascara on his head , but , people surprise you and this is a lovely memory that I 'm glad I have . There is a photo somewhere at home , gutted I can 't feature it . Neither of them were annoyed , and in true good - parenting style they pretended they loved it , didn 't wash it off immediately , and Natalie and I went off to bed happy . It never happened again though . . I wonder if we even asked . haha , I am so looking forward to reading everyone else 's memory today : D After finding this incredible video , I knew my next purchase had to have some kind of bronzer in it , so I can have a god at the ol ' sculpting hype . I only have one blusher so I thought I 'd spread my wings with a pinker one , and who doesn 't love a nice shade of red ? It was that or plum . . and red usually makes me happier ( wrong choice thinking about it , I have 4 red shades and one purple , that I gave away . Ohhh buyers remorse ) . I have one super fancy nail because my friend got my other friend an OPI nail varnish on her trip to America and I wanted to try it out ( it 's super glittery ! ) it makes me happy because I feel like I have a mermaid nail . I 'm obsessed with mermaids at the moment . I filed them all down to a more managable length since this post , it 'll save me getting some terrible rip and my hands needed occupying whilst watching MIC . Super lovely ! I am off to work now , and then to Rosi 's for dinner ( she 's making lasagne and I 'm taking garlic bread ) . Eley and I went to the gym earlier so I 'm feeling super pumped about life in general aha . One more essay to submit and I 'm almost free ! The weather is close today that I 've walked around with a constant headache , ( it 's not water or sleep so I have no other reason to be hurting ! ) I had so much fun at graduation . I had been working hard for three years to get to that day , and I was so so so so so excited for everything . The gown , the hat , the photo 's , the walking up , the shaking hand , the standing proud , the even more photos , the happy people , the family , the fancy dress , the nice hair . Everything fit together well on that day , and I don 't care that it rained , or that Michael and I almost fell over on the ice , or that it wasn 't in summer with my friends on other courses . It was the day I wanted , and it went according to MY plan : ) and it makes me so excited for the next one ! ! everything else I can deal with . Yeah I have 12 , 000 words to submit on Monday , that 's fine . Yeah my boy 's out in Afghanistan , that 's okay , we 're managing . My family are a good 7 hours away , I 'm missing my niece , but I get regular updates . I 'm good at managing , I reflect on my general day to day and I always let my feelings out , so nothing is ever really on top of me ( unless I 'm on my period , then I have little time for anyone else , that 's such a bad week ) . I guess something that I can 't change ( which is my lot ? is that right ? something that I have that affects me and I can 't really do anything about it so how I can manage it ? who knows . ) is ( something I 've blogged about before ) PCOS . That one does bother me . It changes my moods all over the place , I have so many side effects , I always have to work on my diet and exercise . . it 's a whole kettle of fish .
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The Passion of Dan Choi He was the poster boy for the movement to repeal " don 't ask , don 't tell . " Now what ? Gabriel Arana February 9 , 2014 You may also like Faces of the Democratic FutureGabriel AranaAmelia Thomson - DeVeauxElaine Teng Midway between the White House and the Capitol on Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington , D . C . , the Newseum Residences is one of those glass - and - steel high - rises that feels more like a hotel than an apartment building . The floor in the lobby always looks as if it 's just been polished , the frosted glass wiped down . The building 's ten inhabited floors are near identical . Each has a long , windowless hallway with 13 or 14 doors , their numbers etched on brushed - steel plates . In the elevators , a printed sheet in a display announces the day 's schedule of events - breakfast in the lounge at seven , yoga on the roof deck in the evening . Most of the time , though , it seems no one lives there . On the 12th floor , Dan Choi 's apartment is the one with the lantern at the foot of the door - " for weary travelers , " he likes to say . A studio with a galley kitchen , it costs him $ 1 , 700 a month . He sleeps on the two L - shaped couches that fill the living area . An electric keyboard , two bongo drums , and a microphone stand take up a corner . Tibetan prayer flags hang from a wall . Just out of view is the District Court for the District of Columbia , where he had his latest breakdown . Inside the entrance , on a stretch of wall about six feet wide , Dan has sketched , in black marker and colored pastels , a tableau of his life . Along the bottom , a figure plays the trumpet . This is Dan back in high school in Tustin , California , where he was the star of the Model United Nations team and senior class president . To the right is a soldier in uniform silhouetted against an American flag , which symbolizes Dan 's years in the Army . In the left - hand corner , three Islamic arches frame a marketplace , evoking Dan 's 15 - month deployment in Iraq at the height of the surge . Across the top , he has depicted his proudest moment : when he and 12 others chained themselves to the fence outside the White House in November 2010 to protest " don 't ask , don 't tell , " the law that barred gays and lesbians from serving openly in the military . On a Wednesday in August , Dan is setting up for Hungry Hungry Hippos night . On the white coffee table , he 's laid out a platter with sliced boiled eggs dusted with paprika ; mini carrots and tomatoes ; Sour Patch Kids ; and a dozen pot cupcakes that have collapsed into themselves . " I can make brownies , but the cupcakes I can 't get right , " he says . He 's got backup : a six - foot glass bong . The table 's centerpiece is Hungry Hungry Hippos , a children 's game in which players operate four plastic mechanical hippos and try to gobble up as many marbles on the board as possible . Don 't ask , don 't tell : The policy of the United States military between 1994 and 2011 forbidding openly gay , lesbian , or bisexual soldiers from serving in the Armed Forces . Read the full text of 10 USC § 654 . By the time an artist friend walks through the door , Dan is stoned , a fact he broadcasts loudly . " I 'm high ! " he tells her before bursting into high - pitched laughter . Dan offers her a hit , bringing a flame to the bowl . She takes one , exhaling with a grimace . " What is that ? " she says . " Isn 't it great ? " Dan asks . " I used whiskey instead of water for the filter . " " It 's harsh , man , " she says . Within an hour , the other two guests show up : a young lawyer and Dan 's drug dealer . They nibble on the snacks while watching a video of comedian Margaret Cho . " I think she 's sick of me for calling too much , " Dan says . He met Cho at Occupy Atlanta in 2012 . The video ends , and the group begins the night 's first and only round of Hungry Hungry Hippos . Someone says " go " and the players pump their levers , making the hippos extend and open their mouths into the center as the marbles rattle . Before the game can finish , Dan removes his hippo from the board and places it on his head . " I 'm taking my ball and going home ! " he says . Everyone chuckles . With the plastic animal balanced on his head , Dan grabs the microphone from the corner and holds it close . He pulls back his shoulders and raises his chin , his square jaw protruding over the mic , gaze locked in as if he 's standing at attention . Thirty - two years old , he 's not as built as he was during his Army days , but he 's still fit - muscular shoulders and a broad chest that tapers into a narrow waist . In the lambent glow of the blank television screen , he 's striking . His hair is shaved on the sides military - - style , his expression grim . It 's easy to see why , four years ago , Dan Choi may have been the most famous gay person in America . But then the spell breaks . " Welcome to the Delilah show ! " Dan exclaims as the plastic hippo falls to the ground , and he breaks out into a parody of Billy Joel 's " Piano Man . " For 21 months - between his debut on The Rachel Maddow Show in March 2009 and the passage of the National Defense Authorization Act in December 2010 - Dan Choi was not just the best - known spokesperson for the movement to repeal " don 't ask , don 't tell . " He was its emblem . A West Point graduate , a combat veteran , a fluent Arabic speaker , he was the kind of soldier the military should have been promoting instead of kicking out . In interviews and at press conferences , he was articulate and passionate , charming and funny . Now , Dan wakes up most days with nothing to do . After the sun rouses him from his spot on the couch , where he sleeps under his " affirmation quilt " - fan letters are printed on each square - he takes two capsules of Hydroxycut , a diet pill loaded with caffeine , and Wellbutrin , an antidepressant used to treat bipolar disorder . Sometimes he goes for a long bike ride or works out at the gym in his building . He attends fundraisers and art openings , occasionally in uniform . Now and then , he drives to Fire Island , a gay vacation destination off Long Island . He earns a living by giving speeches at $ 10 , 000 a pop , which the Gotham Artists agency arranges for him . He smokes pot - a lot of it , he admits . " I can 't tell the difference , " he says , " between being high and not . " Dan says he has no friends , which isn 't quite true . From time to time , someone from his past will show up - an Army buddy , a high - school pal . He 's gotten acquainted with the other gay guys in the building and invites them over for grilling parties . He knows a bunch of activists in D . C . , though they are better at changing history than keeping in touch . He still talks to his younger sister , Grace , and to his cousin Sandra . But he no longer speaks to his dad or mom , Southern Baptists who don 't approve of his sexual identity . After his breakdown in March , he had a falling out with his older brother Isaac , who accused Dan of embarrassing the family . He has drifted from most of his fellow cadets at West Point and keeps his distance from Knights Out , a group of openly gay and lesbian West Pointers . Each time I see Dan , he seems to have rearranged the furniture in his living room or adopted a new lifestyle trend . One day , he had gotten rid of his garbage can to be more cognizant of the waste he produces , which required him to walk to the trash chute each time he ordered takeout or had groceries delivered . Another day , he had downloaded a meditation app from iTunes and wanted me to listen to it with him . He likes to watch TED talks ( " Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are " and " How to Start a Movement " are among his favorites ) . In late August , I was on my way to interview Dan at his apartment when he messaged me that a big protest was shaping up at the White House . President Barack Obama had just announced that he would ask Congress for authorization to use force in Syria . I raced to meet him at the north entrance , but all I found were tourists snapping photos and Dan circling around on his bike . He hung out for a while , texting a friend to ask for an update . She didn 't respond . After 20 minutes of scouring his contacts for people who might have more information , he looked up from his phone and gave me a sideways grin . He was being a good sport , but he looked crestfallen . I sensed - or maybe I just imagined it - he was asking himself the same question I had been : Who is Dan Choi without " don 't ask , don 't tell " ? Dan 's parents emigrated from South Korea in the 1970s . His father was a Southern Baptist minister , his mother a nurse . They settled in the Orange County city of Tustin , 34 miles south of Los Angeles . He and his two siblings were latchkey kids . Although Dan 's father had his own church , Gospel First Korean Baptist , he often traveled overseas to preach . His mother worked the night shift at Garden Grove Hospital . " He was that kid who was always talking , " says his cousin Sandra , who baby - sat for the family . " Daniel was so intent on telling stories . " He wore her out ; she 'd sit him down in front of the TV to get a break . Dan and his siblings attended church every Sunday and were expected to get A 's at school . A popular student with a gift for public speaking , Dan graduated at the top of his high - school class . He led the marching band as a drum major and played the trumpet in the church ensemble . But he also had a rebellious streak , a flair for the outrageous gesture . During the Monica Lewinsky scandal , he took to the school 's PA system and declared that the country was in a moral crisis , quoting the Gospel of Matthew and encouraging his classmates to turn to Christ . The stunt got him suspended for a day . Dan had been determined to join the military since watching Saving Private Ryan early his senior year . He admired soldiers ' willingness to give up their autonomy and life for a greater cause . But the images of strong , fit men had their own allure . Dan had suspected he was gay since fourth grade , when he 'd fantasized about Judge Harry Stone on Night Court . He knew his parents , for whom " gay " connoted AIDS and men in high heels , would be horrified . He never told anyone or acted on his attractions . When Dan secured a recommendation from his congressman to attend West Point , he didn 't think of what life would be like as a gay soldier ; all he could imagine was himself in uniform , just like Tom Hanks . One could say he went there to hide , but in his mind , he went to become a man . Dan loved the rigor of West Point life , in which every moment was scheduled and everyone placed in a hierarchy . He had a knack for Arabic , which he double - majored in on top of environmental engineering . Peers recall Dan being energetic , funny , and kindhearted . As an upperclassman , he 'd cover for " plebes " - first - year students - delivering laundry when someone had cross - country practice or fell ill . If the rigid structure of the military kept him on track , singing in the Protestant Chapel Choir provided a creative outlet . One of his proudest moments was performing a solo of " Amazing Grace " at Sing Sing prison . Dan tried not to think about his sexuality ; whenever someone got kicked out for being gay , he didn 't want to hear the details . " I just pushed it out of my mind , " he says . While he didn 't try to act straight , being gay was not something people saw . His race was . He remembers an officer telling a group of cadets at rifle training that the target was " a chinky - eyed , flat - faced gook in North Korea on the DMZ . " For service members like Dan who were not ready to face their sexuality , " don 't ask , don 't tell " provided the relief of a deadline extended . While the " don 't ask " portion was not enforced ( no one was ever ejected for inquiring about someone 's sexuality ) , it did make the subject taboo . Which meant fewer questions . Most gays and lesbians in the armed forces feared being found out , and hiding a key part of themselves was a constant stressor . In many ways , the Clinton administration 's compromise - allowing them to serve only if they made no statements indicating they were homosexual or engaging in homosexual sex - made matters worse . Before " don 't ask , don 't tell , " military policy forbade gays and lesbians from serving - you were asked when you signed up . With the law in effect , enlistees were no longer asked , but it became mandatory to fire gay and lesbian soldiers . " Don 't ask , don 't tell " didn 't just affect gays and lesbians , though . It was also used to harass women . Men would accuse those who rebuffed their sexual advances of being lesbians , which would lead to a suspension while an investigation ensued . There were types of dismissals referred to as " hugging cases , " in which a service member - whatever his or her orientation - would be accused of being gay because he or she had given a hug to someone of the same sex or had a photo with his or her arm around someone of the same sex . It 's impossible to know how many suicides , nervous breakdowns , or even outbursts " don 't ask , don 't tell " was responsible for - the policy itself precluded the answer from being known . But it was a lot . According to the Palm Center , a think tank formed to study sexual minorities in the military , at any given time 65 , 000 service members were hiding their identity in the 15 years the policy held sway . Then there were those who were expelled : 14 , 346 members of the armed forces . In the end , the law was clear . You lied or you left . As Dan ascended the stage at West Point to collect his diploma in May 2003 , his parents beamed with Isaac , Grace , Sandra , and his grandmother beside them . " I had become an officer , " Dan says , " something my dad had once dreamed of . " After graduation , Dan was assigned a tour of duty in Iraq . Based at Fort Drum , New York , before his deployment , he was sure of one thing : He didn 't want to die a virgin . " Fuck it , " he thought . " Might as well . " Months before Dan shipped off to war in 2006 , he was involved in an incident that would hang over him for the rest of his time in the Army . According to Dan , he was working at his desk at Fort Drum when an officer came up to him and said , " Do you know your fucking monitor is pink ? That 's pretty gay . " The two exchanged words . It was only after the officer dared him , Dan says , that he threw a punch . An investigation immediately ensued . Assaulting another officer prevented him from advancing to captain , but it didn 't keep him from serving in Iraq . Stationed in south Baghdad , Dan oversaw building projects as a member of the Commander 's Emergency Response Team . The assignment was dangerous , the combat harrowing . He saw members of his unit wounded beyond recognition , and others burned to death . After an extended tour of duty - 15 months all told - Dan returned to the States with occasional ringing in his ear and what would later be diagnosed as post - traumatic stress disorder . Back at Fort Drum , still under threat of being kicked out for the altercation , Dan began to take liberties . He grew his hair too long . He skipped work . He told William Cannon , a chemical officer who was his closest friend there , that he was going to leave the service as soon as he fulfilled his eight - year obligation . On weekends , he drove his jeep to New York City to visit the bathhouses , which is where he met Matthew Kinsey , an executive at Gucci 20 years his senior . Dan was careful at first , telling his friends on the base he was dating an older woman named Martha . But as his feelings for Matthew grew , Dan stopped caring about the consequences . By Valentine 's Day 2008 , the pair had been dating for two months , and Dan was in love . " I wanted to be his geisha , " he says . He told a couple of his Army buddies the truth . To spend more time with Matthew , Dan transferred from full - time active duty to the Army National Guard in June . As a citizen - soldier based in Manhattan , all he had to dedicate to his platoon was one weekend a month . He wanted to move into his boyfriend 's New York City apartment , but Matthew wasn 't out to his parents . With no place else to go , Dan went to live with his parents in California . Being surrounded by his awards from high school reminded Dan of how much he 'd changed over the past eight years . He 'd left a closeted plebe and returned a lieutenant who had faced combat and fallen in love . He came out to Grace on Skype and to Isaac on Facebook . He told Sandra . He joined a gay men 's chorus and took courses in Persian at the local community college . He also changed his Facebook profile to say he was " interested in men " and joined the underground social group Service Academy Gay & Lesbian Alumni Association . Left were his parents . " Will you still love me ? " he asked his mother , breaking the news . " I love you , " she responded , " but you need to marry a Korean girl . " His father said Dan needed to go to church and pray . Around this time , Dan received an invitation to join an organization composed of gay and lesbian West Pointers so new it didn 't have a name . A 1980 graduate named L . Paul Morris had co - founded the group . His model was The Blue Alliance , an organization of LGBT Air Force Academy graduates . After he and Daniel Manning , a 2004 graduate who had been discharged under " don 't ask , don 't tell , " settled on Knights Out as the group 's name and established nonprofit status , they scheduled the first meeting for March 16 , 2009 in Washington , D . C . It would coincide with the annual benefit dinner of the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network ( SLDN ) , formed shortly after President Clinton signed " don 't ask , don 't tell " into law . The day before the dinner , Dan and a handful of West Pointers met in a large conference room at the Hotel Palomar to select leaders . Becky Kanis , class of 1991 , would serve as chair . Dan offered to be the group 's spokesperson . Morris was initially hesitant - he was uneasy because Dan should have been a captain by now . Morris , though , was desperate and accepted . At the SLDN dinner , Dan confirmed Morris 's worries . He got drunk , jumping on the furniture in the hotel lobby . " Unfortunately , " Morris says , " we were stuck with Dan Choi at this point . " Dan was on his way to California two days later when The Rachel Maddow Show called . Wanting to get back for choir rehearsal , Dan proposed Kanis in his place . But the producers wanted Dan , the only one of the group 's leaders who was actively serving . He agreed to appear via satellite from Orange County . That evening , Kanis , Dan , and Sue Fulton , a Knights Out board member who worked in brand management , spent an hour on the phone settling on talking points . The message they came up with drew from Dan 's biography . At West Point , he and other cadets lived by the honor code : " A cadet will not lie , cheat , steal , or tolerate those who do . " By forcing him to lie about his sexual orientation , " don 't ask , don 't tell " dishonored the military values he swore to uphold . Knights Out had come to fulfill the law , not to abolish it . Through his earpiece , Dan could hear Maddow start the segment . He didn 't know how many people watched the show - Fulton didn 't find it necessary to tell him - but his fellow Knights Out members would be . No doubt some of the soldiers in his National Guard unit would also catch the program . He tried to keep his hands still as Maddow introduced him : " Joining us now is Dan Choi . He 's a founding member of the Knights Out organization , a graduate of West Point , and he is an Iraq combat veteran . " " Wonderful to be here . I love your show , Rachel , " Dan said . In his newly pressed gray suit , he looked boyish and wholesome . " By saying three words to you today , ' I am gay ' - those three words are a violation of title 10 of the U . S . code . " The talking points came back to him . " It 's an immoral code , and it goes against every single thing that we were taught at West Point with our honor code , " he said , picking up steam . " The honor code says that a cadet will not lie , cheat , steal - " Suddenly , the sound cut out , leaving Dan miming his words . Maddow announced a commercial break while the producers tried to restore the audio , but they were unable to . She promised to have Dan on the next day . When Dan called Fulton from outside the studio , he was crushed . She , on the other hand , was ecstatic . " You don 't understand , " she said . " We get two hits - two nights ! " The next evening , Dan was more self - assured , joking with Maddow : " I think we all understand your agenda was just to make this appearance tonight the second time in my life that I actually wore some makeup . " In two minutes , he covered everything he had practiced with Fulton and Kanis , breaking into Arabic as photos of him in Iraq glided across the screen . At the beginning of the segment , Maddow had asked if he realized that he was putting everything on the line by appearing on her show . " Is there a possibility … you could be at risk of getting kicked out of the service because you are doing this ? " The major gay - rights organizations , which had done little to publicize the formation of Knights Out , were eager to work with Dan after his television appearance . When the Army instituted discharge proceedings against him , Dan turned to the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network . During the Clinton and Bush years , the group had served primarily as a support organization , but with President Obama now in the White House , it had begun to take a more visible role in the repeal effort . In addition to providing Dan with legal counsel , the group prepped him with talking points and helped secure bookings . Dan was thankful . With only one communications person , Knights Out didn 't have sufficient staff . The relationship with SLDN didn 't last long . Dan refused to wear the group 's lapel pin on the air . He also had an ideological disagreement . The defense network advised some gay and lesbian soldiers to remain in the closet . Dan had concluded that coming out was a moral obligation . Three months after Maddow , he told SLDN that Sue Fulton would be handling his press . For a while , it seemed anytime the repeal effort made the news , Dan was asked to come on TV . He appeared on ABC News , NBC Nightly News , CBS , and Al - Jazeera . Anderson Cooper 360 filmed a special , following Dan around his parents ' house . Being driven from one interview to another , waiting in greenrooms before doing a " hit " - TV lingo for a stint on the air - was heady . So was receiving letters from closeted members of the military and getting stopped on the street by strangers and being thanked for his courage and serving as grand marshal of the San Francisco Pride Parade . Dan quit the gay men 's chorus and withdrew from his community - college courses . With tension building at home - his father had a heart attack in the spring , which his mother blamed on Dan - he moved out of his parents ' house and started couch surfing in Los Angeles , Boston , New York , and Washington , D . C . Most of Knights Out 's leadership was supportive of Dan 's increasing notoriety , but not all . " This is becoming the Dan Choi show , " L . Paul Morris told the group on a conference call . " Dan had always been a diva , " says William Cannon , his friend from Fort Drum , " but was less obvious about it until the activism . " Dan signed with Gotham Artists to book speaking gigs for him . He once demanded that MSNBC send in a barber to give him a haircut before an appearance , which the network did , and would ask drivers sent by the studio to help him run errands . He broke up with Matthew , saying he had to dedicate himself entirely to the movement . In an e - mail , he told a friend that he was " exhausted emotionally , spiritually and even physically . Any resources you could recommend would be most helpful . " Dan 's behavior began to worry his family and friends . On one occasion when he received an e - mail death threat , he called the person up and screamed , " I 'll kill you first ! I 'll give you AIDS first ! " Dan started telling people that , like Martin Luther King Jr . or Malcolm X , he would have to die for his cause . Drinking emboldened him , and the drinking was getting worse . " The Salvation Army hates gays ! " he yelled at a volunteer in Harvard Square after a night of throwing back Jäger shots . " He was so used to being interviewed that he had no identity anymore , " says Sarah Haag - Fisk , a classmate at West Point and a member of Knights Out . When she and Dan spent time together , " it almost seemed like he was giving me lines , " she says . " This was not the Dan I had known . He was becoming untethered . It was very difficult to tell him that he should slow down a little bit . " For Dan , this was the equivalent of saying gays and lesbians should wait for their rights . Laura Cannon , who was a year ahead of him at West Point , reconnected with Dan after the Maddow show . At first , she thought his involvement in the repeal effort was " a healthy amount of participation . " But the toll of being a public figure - of always being on - soon became apparent . " I saw it completely deplete him , " she says . In August 2009 , five months after the Maddow interview , Dan went on Facebook and changed his profession . He was no longer a soldier . He was an activist . But many of the qualities that worried Dan 's old friends - his tendency toward melodrama , his equating himself with the movement - also made him brilliant at attracting attention to the cause . After the Army finally discharged him for violating " don 't ask , don 't tell , " he burned his notice during a talk at Harvard . At Netroots Nation , a yearly gathering of progressives , he arranged for organizers to give his West Point ring to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid . Dan pledged to hold Reid accountable in an open letter : " My promise is not merely written on a piece of paper or words alone , but in the hearts of every lesbian , gay , bisexual or transgender American fired from their jobs . " It was exactly those qualities , though , that inspired a new set of friends : radical activists who believed that the only way to persuade the country to repeal " don 't ask , don 't tell " was with sit - ins , hunger strikes , and other direct action . They , along with Dan , took aim at the big gay - rights organizations , most of all the Human Rights Campaign ( HRC ) , the largest and the best funded . The bulk of HRC 's work occurred behind the scenes , where leaders met with the president , White House officials , and lawmakers . In the spring of 2010 , with Congress seriously considering repeal for the first time - the Senate was scheduled to hold hearings , and the National Defense Authorization Act was coming up for renewal - Dan accused the HRC of being too cautious and deferential . " Within the gay community , so many leaders want acceptance from polite society , " Dan told Newsweek . " Gandhi did not need three - course dinners and a cocktail party to get his message out . " On March 18 , the HRC brought comedian Kathy Griffin , star of the reality television series My Life on the D - List , to speak with legislators about " don 't ask , don 't tell " on Capitol Hill and headline a rally on Freedom Plaza . Dan asked HRC president Joe Solmonese if he could speak , but was told it was Griffin 's rally . To the surprise of organizers , she welcomed Dan to the podium . For the second time , Dan had dressed in his uniform at a political event , which is prohibited by military code . " Our fight isn 't actually just here at Freedom Plaza , " he told the crowd . " Our fight is at the White House . Will you join me ? " He called out Griffin and Solmonese , asking if they would march with him . Dan and a dozen participants strode up Pennsylvania Avenue chanting , " Hey hey , ho ho , ' don 't ask , don 't tell ' has got to go . " Griffin and Solmonese stayed behind to talk with reporters . At the White House , Dan and James Pietrangelo , an Army captain who had been kicked out under " don 't ask , don 't tell , " handcuffed themselves to the northern gate . They spent the night in jail . The protest , which Dan would reprise twice in the coming months , laid bare the fault lines in the gay - rights movement . The major gay blogs - AmericaBlog , Pam 's House Blend , Queerty , Towleroad , Joe . My . God . - cheered him on . So did the grassroots activists , who blasted the HRC . The organization posted a note on its blog saying that Solmonese " felt it was important to stay and engage those at the rally in ways they can continue building the pressure needed for repeal " but that " this [ did ] nothing to diminish the actions taken by Lt . Choi and others . " Knights Out said that while it shared in the spirit of the protest , it did not condone Dan 's actions . In response , Dan quit Knights Out , further shrinking his circle to diehard activists . " We were part of the gay civil - rights movement , " says Pietrangelo . " He did what the freedom marchers did : Gave a face to the suffering and showed how society was harming gay people . " The West Pointers thought he had lost his sense of proportion . " He was surrounded by those he considered friends - folks in the movement , people who can 't self - evaluate , " Haag - Fisk says . The House of Representatives passed the Murphy Amendment to the National Defense Authorization Act on May 27 . The amendment provided for a repeal of " don 't ask , don 't tell " after the Pentagon conducted a study and certified that lifting the ban on gays and lesbians would not harm the military . The deadline for the study was December 1 . This wasn 't good enough for Dan . Calling for Congress to repeal the policy immediately , he and Pietrangelo went on a hunger strike . After seven days , the pair gave in to supporters expressing concern for their health . Dan released a statement pledging to resume the strike " using the proper safeguards to ensure [ his ] health " but never did . Over the summer and fall , Dan took on a relentless round of public appearances , but he was increasingly depressed . Some days , he was convinced that repeal would never pass . Others , he was convinced he would have to From there , Dan released a statement : " My breakdown was a result of a cumulative array of stressors but there is no doubt that the composite betrayals felt on Thursday , by elected leaders and gay organizations as well as many who have exploited my name for their marketing purposes have added to the result . " Eight days later , on December 18 , the Senate repealed " don 't ask , don 't tell " and sent the bill to President Obama . United States v . Dan Choi . He liked the sound of it . At a little past 1 P . M . on November 15 , one month before the repeal , Dan and 12 activists handcuffed themselves to the White House fence . They were charged with violating a minor U . S . Park Police regulation , " failure to obey a lawful order . " Civil - disobedience infractions are almost always tried in municipal court and typically dismissed , but the U . S . attorney general 's office pursued the allegation at the federal level . The 13 were offered a plea . If they admitted guilt , they 'd face no consequences after four months without an arrest . Conviction , on the other hand , carried a maximum penalty of six months in jail and a $ 5 , 000 fine . Everyone but Dan took the deal . For two and a half years , the trial became his cause . He moved to the Newseum Residences because the building was around the corner from the courthouse . Dan 's self - narrative is under constant revision , which is a way of saying I 'm never sure whether to believe him , if the version of events he 's presented is the final . When we first met , he told me he pursued the case because if the First Amendment doesn 't apply at the foot of the White House , it doesn 't apply anywhere . Another time , he told me that he wanted to lose so the proceedings could make it into case law ; once a suit is appealed , it is woven into the legal record , becoming part of the constellation of rulings that guides lawyers and judges . Dan wanted to be among the stars . The hundreds of pages of briefs and transcripts from the court proceedings contain the law 's usual mix of minutiae and grandiloquence . There is the question of whether Dan was standing on the sidewalk or on the base of the White House fence . Much discussion was devoted to the cost of the handcuffs , how many there were , who bought them , what happened after Park Police took them away , and who had the keys . Lawyers quibbled over Dan 's title - " mister , " since he was no longer in the military , or " lieutenant " ? ( The prosecutor was asked to address him by his rank . ) In almost three hours of testimony on the second day of the trial , on August 30 , 2011 , Dan recounted his life story and declared that although he and the 12 others might have blocked the view of the White House , they had replaced it " with a better view - a view of freedom because this is what equality looks like . " Dan 's supporters sat enraptured . " It was as if , by speaking those magnificent , majestic truths , " says Pietrangelo , one of the 12 arrested , " he was vanquishing all the discrimination , bigotry , and pain that gay people had been suffering . " On Twitter , 20 , 000 followers spurred him on . The trial didn 't catch the attention of the mainstream media , but it was covered in the blogosphere . Firedoglake compiled an archive of documents , and Towleroad provided reports up to the minute . Over the next 15 months , with motions being filed , Dan posted on his site and sent out his newsletter , Frontlines . He gave talks to make ends meet . But he was also skipping appointments with his psychiatrist and drinking heavily . He talked about taking a break , getting away . He told friends that a black van parked across from his building belonged to the Secret Service . A month before the trial resumed , Dan fired his lawyers . He 'd been reading about the law for more than a year - to understand what was going on - and decided he knew enough to hold his own . " There 's no greater empowering moment than to stand before the judge and let them hear your own voice , " he told the Washington Blade . Dan made sure the turnout for the final phase , in March 2013 , was big . He flew in his brother , sister , and cousin Sandra . Leaders from major gay - rights organizations were there . So was his old Army friend William Cannon . He didn 't get to talk to Dan much . They shared a cigarette before marching with a group of about 50 people to the courthouse . Dan kept drifting away , mumbling incoherently . " My friend Dan that I knew in Iraq and New York was gone , " Cannon says . " He had this cause he was so dedicated to . " Dan called four witnesses to testify , then showed a video of his Rachel Maddow interview . While it played , he wept . " The defense rests ! " he announced , putting his head down on the table and throwing up his arm . The judge called for a recess ; Dan lay on the floor and shouted obscenities . In the afternoon , the prosecution delivered a brief closing argument . Dan gave a 40 - minute speech . Raving and disjointed , it was a broken mirror of the life story he had told six months earlier . When the judge found him guilty and fined him $ 100 , Dan cried out , " I refuse to pay it . Send me to jail ! " Instead , friends took him to the emergency room of Washington , D . C . 's VA Medical Center , where he was admitted to the psychiatric ward . Forrest MacCormack The trial laid Dan bare . His passion . His penchant for inflamed rhetoric . His ability to attract followers . His solipsism . His vulnerability . On a few occasions , Dan has told me the trial was a plea for help . " I didn 't know what to do with myself after ' don 't ask , don 't tell ' was repealed , " he says . Other times , he finds his nerve . " I just want them to apologize to me in open court - that 's all . " When he 's being introspective , he wonders aloud about what 's next . Maybe he 'll become a teacher , he says . Or he could study vocal music . He took the LSAT a while back , so he could go to law school . Sometimes he says he wants to quit activism , but then he 'll accept an invitation to speak at another rally . A few things I am certain of . Washington can make people , even those who fight for human rights , lose their humanity . It gets covered up with talking points , strategy , branding . At the height of Dan 's celebrity , few in the repeal movement pulled him aside and said , " All this doesn 't matter more than you do . Let 's go home . " Maybe that 's because he 'd cut himself loose from the people who cared enough to tell him he was losing himself - people like Grace , Isaac , Sandra , William Cannon , Sarah Haag - Fisk , and Laura Cannon . None of this is to say Dan would have listened . He had fallen in love with his own martyrdom . He had conflated activism with celebrity . Dan 's story runs in my head like an episode of E ! True Hollywood Story . He starts out naïve and precocious . He rises . He succumbs to the pressure - all those interviews , rallies , fan letters , expectations . But instead of playing out on Bravo or in the pages of Us Weekly , it played out on MSNBC and in The Advocate . What I have to keep reminding myself is that by speaking when no one else would , Dan Choi did a good and courageous thing , and in part because of it , gays and lesbians can now serve openly in the military .
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The Passion of Dan Choi He was the poster boy for the movement to repeal " don 't ask , don 't tell . " Now what ? Gabriel Arana February 9 , 2014 You may also like Faces of the Democratic FutureGabriel AranaAmelia Thomson - DeVeauxElaine Teng Midway between the White House and the Capitol on Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington , D . C . , the Newseum Residences is one of those glass - and - steel high - rises that feels more like a hotel than an apartment building . The floor in the lobby always looks as if it 's just been polished , the frosted glass wiped down . The building 's ten inhabited floors are near identical . Each has a long , windowless hallway with 13 or 14 doors , their numbers etched on brushed - steel plates . In the elevators , a printed sheet in a display announces the day 's schedule of events - breakfast in the lounge at seven , yoga on the roof deck in the evening . Most of the time , though , it seems no one lives there . On the 12th floor , Dan Choi 's apartment is the one with the lantern at the foot of the door - " for weary travelers , " he likes to say . A studio with a galley kitchen , it costs him $ 1 , 700 a month . He sleeps on the two L - shaped couches that fill the living area . An electric keyboard , two bongo drums , and a microphone stand take up a corner . Tibetan prayer flags hang from a wall . Just out of view is the District Court for the District of Columbia , where he had his latest breakdown . Inside the entrance , on a stretch of wall about six feet wide , Dan has sketched , in black marker and colored pastels , a tableau of his life . Along the bottom , a figure plays the trumpet . This is Dan back in high school in Tustin , California , where he was the star of the Model United Nations team and senior class president . To the right is a soldier in uniform silhouetted against an American flag , which symbolizes Dan 's years in the Army . In the left - hand corner , three Islamic arches frame a marketplace , evoking Dan 's 15 - month deployment in Iraq at the height of the surge . Across the top , he has depicted his proudest moment : when he and 12 others chained themselves to the fence outside the White House in November 2010 to protest " don 't ask , don 't tell , " the law that barred gays and lesbians from serving openly in the military . On a Wednesday in August , Dan is setting up for Hungry Hungry Hippos night . On the white coffee table , he 's laid out a platter with sliced boiled eggs dusted with paprika ; mini carrots and tomatoes ; Sour Patch Kids ; and a dozen pot cupcakes that have collapsed into themselves . " I can make brownies , but the cupcakes I can 't get right , " he says . He 's got backup : a six - foot glass bong . The table 's centerpiece is Hungry Hungry Hippos , a children 's game in which players operate four plastic mechanical hippos and try to gobble up as many marbles on the board as possible . Don 't ask , don 't tell : The policy of the United States military between 1994 and 2011 forbidding openly gay , lesbian , or bisexual soldiers from serving in the Armed Forces . Read the full text of 10 USC § 654 . By the time an artist friend walks through the door , Dan is stoned , a fact he broadcasts loudly . " I 'm high ! " he tells her before bursting into high - pitched laughter . Dan offers her a hit , bringing a flame to the bowl . She takes one , exhaling with a grimace . " What is that ? " she says . " Isn 't it great ? " Dan asks . " I used whiskey instead of water for the filter . " " It 's harsh , man , " she says . Within an hour , the other two guests show up : a young lawyer and Dan 's drug dealer . They nibble on the snacks while watching a video of comedian Margaret Cho . " I think she 's sick of me for calling too much , " Dan says . He met Cho at Occupy Atlanta in 2012 . The video ends , and the group begins the night 's first and only round of Hungry Hungry Hippos . Someone says " go " and the players pump their levers , making the hippos extend and open their mouths into the center as the marbles rattle . Before the game can finish , Dan removes his hippo from the board and places it on his head . " I 'm taking my ball and going home ! " he says . Everyone chuckles . With the plastic animal balanced on his head , Dan grabs the microphone from the corner and holds it close . He pulls back his shoulders and raises his chin , his square jaw protruding over the mic , gaze locked in as if he 's standing at attention . Thirty - two years old , he 's not as built as he was during his Army days , but he 's still fit - muscular shoulders and a broad chest that tapers into a narrow waist . In the lambent glow of the blank television screen , he 's striking . His hair is shaved on the sides military - - style , his expression grim . It 's easy to see why , four years ago , Dan Choi may have been the most famous gay person in America . But then the spell breaks . " Welcome to the Delilah show ! " Dan exclaims as the plastic hippo falls to the ground , and he breaks out into a parody of Billy Joel 's " Piano Man . " For 21 months - between his debut on The Rachel Maddow Show in March 2009 and the passage of the National Defense Authorization Act in December 2010 - Dan Choi was not just the best - known spokesperson for the movement to repeal " don 't ask , don 't tell . " He was its emblem . A West Point graduate , a combat veteran , a fluent Arabic speaker , he was the kind of soldier the military should have been promoting instead of kicking out . In interviews and at press conferences , he was articulate and passionate , charming and funny . Now , Dan wakes up most days with nothing to do . After the sun rouses him from his spot on the couch , where he sleeps under his " affirmation quilt " - fan letters are printed on each square - he takes two capsules of Hydroxycut , a diet pill loaded with caffeine , and Wellbutrin , an antidepressant used to treat bipolar disorder . Sometimes he goes for a long bike ride or works out at the gym in his building . He attends fundraisers and art openings , occasionally in uniform . Now and then , he drives to Fire Island , a gay vacation destination off Long Island . He earns a living by giving speeches at $ 10 , 000 a pop , which the Gotham Artists agency arranges for him . He smokes pot - a lot of it , he admits . " I can 't tell the difference , " he says , " between being high and not . " Dan says he has no friends , which isn 't quite true . From time to time , someone from his past will show up - an Army buddy , a high - school pal . He 's gotten acquainted with the other gay guys in the building and invites them over for grilling parties . He knows a bunch of activists in D . C . , though they are better at changing history than keeping in touch . He still talks to his younger sister , Grace , and to his cousin Sandra . But he no longer speaks to his dad or mom , Southern Baptists who don 't approve of his sexual identity . After his breakdown in March , he had a falling out with his older brother Isaac , who accused Dan of embarrassing the family . He has drifted from most of his fellow cadets at West Point and keeps his distance from Knights Out , a group of openly gay and lesbian West Pointers . Each time I see Dan , he seems to have rearranged the furniture in his living room or adopted a new lifestyle trend . One day , he had gotten rid of his garbage can to be more cognizant of the waste he produces , which required him to walk to the trash chute each time he ordered takeout or had groceries delivered . Another day , he had downloaded a meditation app from iTunes and wanted me to listen to it with him . He likes to watch TED talks ( " Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are " and " How to Start a Movement " are among his favorites ) . In late August , I was on my way to interview Dan at his apartment when he messaged me that a big protest was shaping up at the White House . President Barack Obama had just announced that he would ask Congress for authorization to use force in Syria . I raced to meet him at the north entrance , but all I found were tourists snapping photos and Dan circling around on his bike . He hung out for a while , texting a friend to ask for an update . She didn 't respond . After 20 minutes of scouring his contacts for people who might have more information , he looked up from his phone and gave me a sideways grin . He was being a good sport , but he looked crestfallen . I sensed - or maybe I just imagined it - he was asking himself the same question I had been : Who is Dan Choi without " don 't ask , don 't tell " ? Dan 's parents emigrated from South Korea in the 1970s . His father was a Southern Baptist minister , his mother a nurse . They settled in the Orange County city of Tustin , 34 miles south of Los Angeles . He and his two siblings were latchkey kids . Although Dan 's father had his own church , Gospel First Korean Baptist , he often traveled overseas to preach . His mother worked the night shift at Garden Grove Hospital . " He was that kid who was always talking , " says his cousin Sandra , who baby - sat for the family . " Daniel was so intent on telling stories . " He wore her out ; she 'd sit him down in front of the TV to get a break . Dan and his siblings attended church every Sunday and were expected to get A 's at school . A popular student with a gift for public speaking , Dan graduated at the top of his high - school class . He led the marching band as a drum major and played the trumpet in the church ensemble . But he also had a rebellious streak , a flair for the outrageous gesture . During the Monica Lewinsky scandal , he took to the school 's PA system and declared that the country was in a moral crisis , quoting the Gospel of Matthew and encouraging his classmates to turn to Christ . The stunt got him suspended for a day . Dan had been determined to join the military since watching Saving Private Ryan early his senior year . He admired soldiers ' willingness to give up their autonomy and life for a greater cause . But the images of strong , fit men had their own allure . Dan had suspected he was gay since fourth grade , when he 'd fantasized about Judge Harry Stone on Night Court . He knew his parents , for whom " gay " connoted AIDS and men in high heels , would be horrified . He never told anyone or acted on his attractions . When Dan secured a recommendation from his congressman to attend West Point , he didn 't think of what life would be like as a gay soldier ; all he could imagine was himself in uniform , just like Tom Hanks . One could say he went there to hide , but in his mind , he went to become a man . Dan loved the rigor of West Point life , in which every moment was scheduled and everyone placed in a hierarchy . He had a knack for Arabic , which he double - majored in on top of environmental engineering . Peers recall Dan being energetic , funny , and kindhearted . As an upperclassman , he 'd cover for " plebes " - first - year students - delivering laundry when someone had cross - country practice or fell ill . If the rigid structure of the military kept him on track , singing in the Protestant Chapel Choir provided a creative outlet . One of his proudest moments was performing a solo of " Amazing Grace " at Sing Sing prison . Dan tried not to think about his sexuality ; whenever someone got kicked out for being gay , he didn 't want to hear the details . " I just pushed it out of my mind , " he says . While he didn 't try to act straight , being gay was not something people saw . His race was . He remembers an officer telling a group of cadets at rifle training that the target was " a chinky - eyed , flat - faced gook in North Korea on the DMZ . " For service members like Dan who were not ready to face their sexuality , " don 't ask , don 't tell " provided the relief of a deadline extended . While the " don 't ask " portion was not enforced ( no one was ever ejected for inquiring about someone 's sexuality ) , it did make the subject taboo . Which meant fewer questions . Most gays and lesbians in the armed forces feared being found out , and hiding a key part of themselves was a constant stressor . In many ways , the Clinton administration 's compromise - allowing them to serve only if they made no statements indicating they were homosexual or engaging in homosexual sex - made matters worse . Before " don 't ask , don 't tell , " military policy forbade gays and lesbians from serving - you were asked when you signed up . With the law in effect , enlistees were no longer asked , but it became mandatory to fire gay and lesbian soldiers . " Don 't ask , don 't tell " didn 't just affect gays and lesbians , though . It was also used to harass women . Men would accuse those who rebuffed their sexual advances of being lesbians , which would lead to a suspension while an investigation ensued . There were types of dismissals referred to as " hugging cases , " in which a service member - whatever his or her orientation - would be accused of being gay because he or she had given a hug to someone of the same sex or had a photo with his or her arm around someone of the same sex . It 's impossible to know how many suicides , nervous breakdowns , or even outbursts " don 't ask , don 't tell " was responsible for - the policy itself precluded the answer from being known . But it was a lot . According to the Palm Center , a think tank formed to study sexual minorities in the military , at any given time 65 , 000 service members were hiding their identity in the 15 years the policy held sway . Then there were those who were expelled : 14 , 346 members of the armed forces . In the end , the law was clear . You lied or you left . As Dan ascended the stage at West Point to collect his diploma in May 2003 , his parents beamed with Isaac , Grace , Sandra , and his grandmother beside them . " I had become an officer , " Dan says , " something my dad had once dreamed of . " After graduation , Dan was assigned a tour of duty in Iraq . Based at Fort Drum , New York , before his deployment , he was sure of one thing : He didn 't want to die a virgin . " Fuck it , " he thought . " Might as well . " Months before Dan shipped off to war in 2006 , he was involved in an incident that would hang over him for the rest of his time in the Army . According to Dan , he was working at his desk at Fort Drum when an officer came up to him and said , " Do you know your fucking monitor is pink ? That 's pretty gay . " The two exchanged words . It was only after the officer dared him , Dan says , that he threw a punch . An investigation immediately ensued . Assaulting another officer prevented him from advancing to captain , but it didn 't keep him from serving in Iraq . Stationed in south Baghdad , Dan oversaw building projects as a member of the Commander 's Emergency Response Team . The assignment was dangerous , the combat harrowing . He saw members of his unit wounded beyond recognition , and others burned to death . After an extended tour of duty - 15 months all told - Dan returned to the States with occasional ringing in his ear and what would later be diagnosed as post - traumatic stress disorder . Back at Fort Drum , still under threat of being kicked out for the altercation , Dan began to take liberties . He grew his hair too long . He skipped work . He told William Cannon , a chemical officer who was his closest friend there , that he was going to leave the service as soon as he fulfilled his eight - year obligation . On weekends , he drove his jeep to New York City to visit the bathhouses , which is where he met Matthew Kinsey , an executive at Gucci 20 years his senior . Dan was careful at first , telling his friends on the base he was dating an older woman named Martha . But as his feelings for Matthew grew , Dan stopped caring about the consequences . By Valentine 's Day 2008 , the pair had been dating for two months , and Dan was in love . " I wanted to be his geisha , " he says . He told a couple of his Army buddies the truth . To spend more time with Matthew , Dan transferred from full - time active duty to the Army National Guard in June . As a citizen - soldier based in Manhattan , all he had to dedicate to his platoon was one weekend a month . He wanted to move into his boyfriend 's New York City apartment , but Matthew wasn 't out to his parents . With no place else to go , Dan went to live with his parents in California . Being surrounded by his awards from high school reminded Dan of how much he 'd changed over the past eight years . He 'd left a closeted plebe and returned a lieutenant who had faced combat and fallen in love . He came out to Grace on Skype and to Isaac on Facebook . He told Sandra . He joined a gay men 's chorus and took courses in Persian at the local community college . He also changed his Facebook profile to say he was " interested in men " and joined the underground social group Service Academy Gay & Lesbian Alumni Association . Left were his parents . " Will you still love me ? " he asked his mother , breaking the news . " I love you , " she responded , " but you need to marry a Korean girl . " His father said Dan needed to go to church and pray . Around this time , Dan received an invitation to join an organization composed of gay and lesbian West Pointers so new it didn 't have a name . A 1980 graduate named L . Paul Morris had co - founded the group . His model was The Blue Alliance , an organization of LGBT Air Force Academy graduates . After he and Daniel Manning , a 2004 graduate who had been discharged under " don 't ask , don 't tell , " settled on Knights Out as the group 's name and established nonprofit status , they scheduled the first meeting for March 16 , 2009 in Washington , D . C . It would coincide with the annual benefit dinner of the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network ( SLDN ) , formed shortly after President Clinton signed " don 't ask , don 't tell " into law . The day before the dinner , Dan and a handful of West Pointers met in a large conference room at the Hotel Palomar to select leaders . Becky Kanis , class of 1991 , would serve as chair . Dan offered to be the group 's spokesperson . Morris was initially hesitant - he was uneasy because Dan should have been a captain by now . Morris , though , was desperate and accepted . At the SLDN dinner , Dan confirmed Morris 's worries . He got drunk , jumping on the furniture in the hotel lobby . " Unfortunately , " Morris says , " we were stuck with Dan Choi at this point . " Dan was on his way to California two days later when The Rachel Maddow Show called . Wanting to get back for choir rehearsal , Dan proposed Kanis in his place . But the producers wanted Dan , the only one of the group 's leaders who was actively serving . He agreed to appear via satellite from Orange County . That evening , Kanis , Dan , and Sue Fulton , a Knights Out board member who worked in brand management , spent an hour on the phone settling on talking points . The message they came up with drew from Dan 's biography . At West Point , he and other cadets lived by the honor code : " A cadet will not lie , cheat , steal , or tolerate those who do . " By forcing him to lie about his sexual orientation , " don 't ask , don 't tell " dishonored the military values he swore to uphold . Knights Out had come to fulfill the law , not to abolish it . Through his earpiece , Dan could hear Maddow start the segment . He didn 't know how many people watched the show - Fulton didn 't find it necessary to tell him - but his fellow Knights Out members would be . No doubt some of the soldiers in his National Guard unit would also catch the program . He tried to keep his hands still as Maddow introduced him : " Joining us now is Dan Choi . He 's a founding member of the Knights Out organization , a graduate of West Point , and he is an Iraq combat veteran . " " Wonderful to be here . I love your show , Rachel , " Dan said . In his newly pressed gray suit , he looked boyish and wholesome . " By saying three words to you today , ' I am gay ' - those three words are a violation of title 10 of the U . S . code . " The talking points came back to him . " It 's an immoral code , and it goes against every single thing that we were taught at West Point with our honor code , " he said , picking up steam . " The honor code says that a cadet will not lie , cheat , steal - " Suddenly , the sound cut out , leaving Dan miming his words . Maddow announced a commercial break while the producers tried to restore the audio , but they were unable to . She promised to have Dan on the next day . When Dan called Fulton from outside the studio , he was crushed . She , on the other hand , was ecstatic . " You don 't understand , " she said . " We get two hits - two nights ! " The next evening , Dan was more self - assured , joking with Maddow : " I think we all understand your agenda was just to make this appearance tonight the second time in my life that I actually wore some makeup . " In two minutes , he covered everything he had practiced with Fulton and Kanis , breaking into Arabic as photos of him in Iraq glided across the screen . At the beginning of the segment , Maddow had asked if he realized that he was putting everything on the line by appearing on her show . " Is there a possibility … you could be at risk of getting kicked out of the service because you are doing this ? " The major gay - rights organizations , which had done little to publicize the formation of Knights Out , were eager to work with Dan after his television appearance . When the Army instituted discharge proceedings against him , Dan turned to the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network . During the Clinton and Bush years , the group had served primarily as a support organization , but with President Obama now in the White House , it had begun to take a more visible role in the repeal effort . In addition to providing Dan with legal counsel , the group prepped him with talking points and helped secure bookings . Dan was thankful . With only one communications person , Knights Out didn 't have sufficient staff . The relationship with SLDN didn 't last long . Dan refused to wear the group 's lapel pin on the air . He also had an ideological disagreement . The defense network advised some gay and lesbian soldiers to remain in the closet . Dan had concluded that coming out was a moral obligation . Three months after Maddow , he told SLDN that Sue Fulton would be handling his press . For a while , it seemed anytime the repeal effort made the news , Dan was asked to come on TV . He appeared on ABC News , NBC Nightly News , CBS , and Al - Jazeera . Anderson Cooper 360 filmed a special , following Dan around his parents ' house . Being driven from one interview to another , waiting in greenrooms before doing a " hit " - TV lingo for a stint on the air - was heady . So was receiving letters from closeted members of the military and getting stopped on the street by strangers and being thanked for his courage and serving as grand marshal of the San Francisco Pride Parade . Dan quit the gay men 's chorus and withdrew from his community - college courses . With tension building at home - his father had a heart attack in the spring , which his mother blamed on Dan - he moved out of his parents ' house and started couch surfing in Los Angeles , Boston , New York , and Washington , D . C . Most of Knights Out 's leadership was supportive of Dan 's increasing notoriety , but not all . " This is becoming the Dan Choi show , " L . Paul Morris told the group on a conference call . " Dan had always been a diva , " says William Cannon , his friend from Fort Drum , " but was less obvious about it until the activism . " Dan signed with Gotham Artists to book speaking gigs for him . He once demanded that MSNBC send in a barber to give him a haircut before an appearance , which the network did , and would ask drivers sent by the studio to help him run errands . He broke up with Matthew , saying he had to dedicate himself entirely to the movement . In an e - mail , he told a friend that he was " exhausted emotionally , spiritually and even physically . Any resources you could recommend would be most helpful . " Dan 's behavior began to worry his family and friends . On one occasion when he received an e - mail death threat , he called the person up and screamed , " I 'll kill you first ! I 'll give you AIDS first ! " Dan started telling people that , like Martin Luther King Jr . or Malcolm X , he would have to die for his cause . Drinking emboldened him , and the drinking was getting worse . " The Salvation Army hates gays ! " he yelled at a volunteer in Harvard Square after a night of throwing back Jäger shots . " He was so used to being interviewed that he had no identity anymore , " says Sarah Haag - Fisk , a classmate at West Point and a member of Knights Out . When she and Dan spent time together , " it almost seemed like he was giving me lines , " she says . " This was not the Dan I had known . He was becoming untethered . It was very difficult to tell him that he should slow down a little bit . " For Dan , this was the equivalent of saying gays and lesbians should wait for their rights . Laura Cannon , who was a year ahead of him at West Point , reconnected with Dan after the Maddow show . At first , she thought his involvement in the repeal effort was " a healthy amount of participation . " But the toll of being a public figure - of always being on - soon became apparent . " I saw it completely deplete him , " she says . In August 2009 , five months after the Maddow interview , Dan went on Facebook and changed his profession . He was no longer a soldier . He was an activist . But many of the qualities that worried Dan 's old friends - his tendency toward melodrama , his equating himself with the movement - also made him brilliant at attracting attention to the cause . After the Army finally discharged him for violating " don 't ask , don 't tell , " he burned his notice during a talk at Harvard . At Netroots Nation , a yearly gathering of progressives , he arranged for organizers to give his West Point ring to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid . Dan pledged to hold Reid accountable in an open letter : " My promise is not merely written on a piece of paper or words alone , but in the hearts of every lesbian , gay , bisexual or transgender American fired from their jobs . " It was exactly those qualities , though , that inspired a new set of friends : radical activists who believed that the only way to persuade the country to repeal " don 't ask , don 't tell " was with sit - ins , hunger strikes , and other direct action . They , along with Dan , took aim at the big gay - rights organizations , most of all the Human Rights Campaign ( HRC ) , the largest and the best funded . The bulk of HRC 's work occurred behind the scenes , where leaders met with the president , White House officials , and lawmakers . In the spring of 2010 , with Congress seriously considering repeal for the first time - the Senate was scheduled to hold hearings , and the National Defense Authorization Act was coming up for renewal - Dan accused the HRC of being too cautious and deferential . " Within the gay community , so many leaders want acceptance from polite society , " Dan told Newsweek . " Gandhi did not need three - course dinners and a cocktail party to get his message out . " On March 18 , the HRC brought comedian Kathy Griffin , star of the reality television series My Life on the D - List , to speak with legislators about " don 't ask , don 't tell " on Capitol Hill and headline a rally on Freedom Plaza . Dan asked HRC president Joe Solmonese if he could speak , but was told it was Griffin 's rally . To the surprise of organizers , she welcomed Dan to the podium . For the second time , Dan had dressed in his uniform at a political event , which is prohibited by military code . " Our fight isn 't actually just here at Freedom Plaza , " he told the crowd . " Our fight is at the White House . Will you join me ? " He called out Griffin and Solmonese , asking if they would march with him . Dan and a dozen participants strode up Pennsylvania Avenue chanting , " Hey hey , ho ho , ' don 't ask , don 't tell ' has got to go . " Griffin and Solmonese stayed behind to talk with reporters . At the White House , Dan and James Pietrangelo , an Army captain who had been kicked out under " don 't ask , don 't tell , " handcuffed themselves to the northern gate . They spent the night in jail . The protest , which Dan would reprise twice in the coming months , laid bare the fault lines in the gay - rights movement . The major gay blogs - AmericaBlog , Pam 's House Blend , Queerty , Towleroad , Joe . My . God . - cheered him on . So did the grassroots activists , who blasted the HRC . The organization posted a note on its blog saying that Solmonese " felt it was important to stay and engage those at the rally in ways they can continue building the pressure needed for repeal " but that " this [ did ] nothing to diminish the actions taken by Lt . Choi and others . " Knights Out said that while it shared in the spirit of the protest , it did not condone Dan 's actions . In response , Dan quit Knights Out , further shrinking his circle to diehard activists . " We were part of the gay civil - rights movement , " says Pietrangelo . " He did what the freedom marchers did : Gave a face to the suffering and showed how society was harming gay people . " The West Pointers thought he had lost his sense of proportion . " He was surrounded by those he considered friends - folks in the movement , people who can 't self - evaluate , " Haag - Fisk says . The House of Representatives passed the Murphy Amendment to the National Defense Authorization Act on May 27 . The amendment provided for a repeal of " don 't ask , don 't tell " after the Pentagon conducted a study and certified that lifting the ban on gays and lesbians would not harm the military . The deadline for the study was December 1 . This wasn 't good enough for Dan . Calling for Congress to repeal the policy immediately , he and Pietrangelo went on a hunger strike . After seven days , the pair gave in to supporters expressing concern for their health . Dan released a statement pledging to resume the strike " using the proper safeguards to ensure [ his ] health " but never did . Over the summer and fall , Dan took on a relentless round of public appearances , but he was increasingly depressed . Some days , he was convinced that repeal would never pass . Others , he was convinced he would have to From there , Dan released a statement : " My breakdown was a result of a cumulative array of stressors but there is no doubt that the composite betrayals felt on Thursday , by elected leaders and gay organizations as well as many who have exploited my name for their marketing purposes have added to the result . " Eight days later , on December 18 , the Senate repealed " don 't ask , don 't tell " and sent the bill to President Obama . United States v . Dan Choi . He liked the sound of it . At a little past 1 P . M . on November 15 , one month before the repeal , Dan and 12 activists handcuffed themselves to the White House fence . They were charged with violating a minor U . S . Park Police regulation , " failure to obey a lawful order . " Civil - disobedience infractions are almost always tried in municipal court and typically dismissed , but the U . S . attorney general 's office pursued the allegation at the federal level . The 13 were offered a plea . If they admitted guilt , they 'd face no consequences after four months without an arrest . Conviction , on the other hand , carried a maximum penalty of six months in jail and a $ 5 , 000 fine . Everyone but Dan took the deal . For two and a half years , the trial became his cause . He moved to the Newseum Residences because the building was around the corner from the courthouse . Dan 's self - narrative is under constant revision , which is a way of saying I 'm never sure whether to believe him , if the version of events he 's presented is the final . When we first met , he told me he pursued the case because if the First Amendment doesn 't apply at the foot of the White House , it doesn 't apply anywhere . Another time , he told me that he wanted to lose so the proceedings could make it into case law ; once a suit is appealed , it is woven into the legal record , becoming part of the constellation of rulings that guides lawyers and judges . Dan wanted to be among the stars . The hundreds of pages of briefs and transcripts from the court proceedings contain the law 's usual mix of minutiae and grandiloquence . There is the question of whether Dan was standing on the sidewalk or on the base of the White House fence . Much discussion was devoted to the cost of the handcuffs , how many there were , who bought them , what happened after Park Police took them away , and who had the keys . Lawyers quibbled over Dan 's title - " mister , " since he was no longer in the military , or " lieutenant " ? ( The prosecutor was asked to address him by his rank . ) In almost three hours of testimony on the second day of the trial , on August 30 , 2011 , Dan recounted his life story and declared that although he and the 12 others might have blocked the view of the White House , they had replaced it " with a better view - a view of freedom because this is what equality looks like . " Dan 's supporters sat enraptured . " It was as if , by speaking those magnificent , majestic truths , " says Pietrangelo , one of the 12 arrested , " he was vanquishing all the discrimination , bigotry , and pain that gay people had been suffering . " On Twitter , 20 , 000 followers spurred him on . The trial didn 't catch the attention of the mainstream media , but it was covered in the blogosphere . Firedoglake compiled an archive of documents , and Towleroad provided reports up to the minute . Over the next 15 months , with motions being filed , Dan posted on his site and sent out his newsletter , Frontlines . He gave talks to make ends meet . But he was also skipping appointments with his psychiatrist and drinking heavily . He talked about taking a break , getting away . He told friends that a black van parked across from his building belonged to the Secret Service . A month before the trial resumed , Dan fired his lawyers . He 'd been reading about the law for more than a year - to understand what was going on - and decided he knew enough to hold his own . " There 's no greater empowering moment than to stand before the judge and let them hear your own voice , " he told the Washington Blade . Dan made sure the turnout for the final phase , in March 2013 , was big . He flew in his brother , sister , and cousin Sandra . Leaders from major gay - rights organizations were there . So was his old Army friend William Cannon . He didn 't get to talk to Dan much . They shared a cigarette before marching with a group of about 50 people to the courthouse . Dan kept drifting away , mumbling incoherently . " My friend Dan that I knew in Iraq and New York was gone , " Cannon says . " He had this cause he was so dedicated to . " Dan called four witnesses to testify , then showed a video of his Rachel Maddow interview . While it played , he wept . " The defense rests ! " he announced , putting his head down on the table and throwing up his arm . The judge called for a recess ; Dan lay on the floor and shouted obscenities . In the afternoon , the prosecution delivered a brief closing argument . Dan gave a 40 - minute speech . Raving and disjointed , it was a broken mirror of the life story he had told six months earlier . When the judge found him guilty and fined him $ 100 , Dan cried out , " I refuse to pay it . Send me to jail ! " Instead , friends took him to the emergency room of Washington , D . C . 's VA Medical Center , where he was admitted to the psychiatric ward . Forrest MacCormack The trial laid Dan bare . His passion . His penchant for inflamed rhetoric . His ability to attract followers . His solipsism . His vulnerability . On a few occasions , Dan has told me the trial was a plea for help . " I didn 't know what to do with myself after ' don 't ask , don 't tell ' was repealed , " he says . Other times , he finds his nerve . " I just want them to apologize to me in open court - that 's all . " When he 's being introspective , he wonders aloud about what 's next . Maybe he 'll become a teacher , he says . Or he could study vocal music . He took the LSAT a while back , so he could go to law school . Sometimes he says he wants to quit activism , but then he 'll accept an invitation to speak at another rally . A few things I am certain of . Washington can make people , even those who fight for human rights , lose their humanity . It gets covered up with talking points , strategy , branding . At the height of Dan 's celebrity , few in the repeal movement pulled him aside and said , " All this doesn 't matter more than you do . Let 's go home . " Maybe that 's because he 'd cut himself loose from the people who cared enough to tell him he was losing himself - people like Grace , Isaac , Sandra , William Cannon , Sarah Haag - Fisk , and Laura Cannon . None of this is to say Dan would have listened . He had fallen in love with his own martyrdom . He had conflated activism with celebrity . Dan 's story runs in my head like an episode of E ! True Hollywood Story . He starts out naïve and precocious . He rises . He succumbs to the pressure - all those interviews , rallies , fan letters , expectations . But instead of playing out on Bravo or in the pages of Us Weekly , it played out on MSNBC and in The Advocate . What I have to keep reminding myself is that by speaking when no one else would , Dan Choi did a good and courageous thing , and in part because of it , gays and lesbians can now serve openly in the military .
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As my first stint in Hong Kong concludes with a brief trip back home to Seattle for the holiday season , I thought it would be best to list off the best things about my time here thus far . Also , December is the ultimate month for lists . These are in no particular order : I cannot say enough about how much my dear roommate Ben has helped me out here since day one . I contacted him via email way back in April and since then , he helped me learn how to get by in Hong Kong and offered me temporary and later long - term hospitality . Without his help , there would have been so much extra stress in my life . I am infinitely grateful . Hong Kong is an extremely user - friendly place . The MTR transit system combined the English signs and speakers everywhere make getting anywhere and doing anything much easier than most foreign cities . Also convenient for me is the amount of Western - style staples like movie theaters , fast food and shopping malls . There might actually be too many malls to be honest , but overall , finding anything to buy is probably easier here than most American cities . Though I complain about my tiredness on a daily basis , my first real job has been a solid one . I enjoy what I do and I get paid well and on time . My hope was that this job as a teacher would end up teaching me a lot about myself and it has ! I have a feeling this might be the first of many years of teaching . . . Of course , my time off from work is when I have had my most memorable experiences . Since I 've come to Asia , I 've been to Taiwan , Macao , six different islands within Hong Kong and dozens of other special places located all around the territory . And the best part is , there 's still so much left to explore . Considering the cosmopolitan nature of this place , it makes sense that I 've made a wide variety of friends since coming to Hong Kong . The city seems to have a gravitational pull on nice , easy - going Westerners , especially in the teaching sector . I 've also done well in meeting native Hong Kongers , most of whom are very friendly and forgiving of my occasional cultural ignorance . I hope all of you Hong Kong people reading this have a happy holidays ! This is a separate category from my job , because the students provide a spark in my life in a different sort of way . When describing them , cute is an understatement . Every single day , these kids wash away my cynicism . Maybe they 'll be corrupted when they are older , but for now , they are little beacons of pure joy and energy . It 's truly inspiring to witness . One of my main hobbies since the start , learning the language of the Hong Kong people has been a major challenge but also a rewarding pursuit . At this point , I 'm light - years away from being conversational , but I can speak and understand a decent amount , which is more than most Westerners . I 've posted about this before , but it is always fun to see the surprised look on people 's faces when I say something as simple as " I want butter please " in Cantonese . It truly does wonders for the soul to have jungles , beaches and mountains all in one little chunk of land . Especially coming from the Evergreen State . Hong Kong is known for its skyline and bustling street markets , but like I posted earlier this month , it 's the quieter places that really get me excited . I 've been living in the same place since my first night in Hong Kong and it 's been quite good to me . Surrounded by a jungle , I basically feel like I live on top of the mountain , looking down on other neighborhoods and across to other mountains . With our own rooftop on the third floor , Ben and I are able to witness a spectacular sunset just about any night of the week and see the stars better than just about anywhere in Hong Kong . Yes , it 's a good distance from HK Island but the cheap rent and peacefulness make it worth it . My girlfriend I 've been dating my girlfriend , a local Hong Kong woman , for almost two months now . I 'm not one to gush about my romantic feelings , especially not on a blog , but let it suffice to say that she makes me very happy . The girl is a real gem and experiencing the city alongside her makes it all that much better . As the Beatles once said , " All you need is love ! " In my five months in Hong Kong , I often find myself gravitating towards quieter places in my leisure time . The city is so loud and busy that in order to relax and enjoy myself , I need to find a peaceful environment . I think much of this has to do with my upbringing on serene Bainbridge Island . Fortunately , despite it 's compact nature , Hong Kong is diverse and contains dozens of such places . Here are a few of my favorites , and I 'll try not to sound too much like Rick Steves . Possibly my favorite getaway in Hong Kong , Cheung Chau is a short ferry ride away from the urban jungle of Central . There are no significant landmarks there , but the friendly , chilled out environment is simply sublime . There are also no cars , only fisherman , delicious restaurants and ancient pirate caves . Just going there is literally and figuratively a breath of fresh air . In many ways , Lamma is similar to Cheung Chau . It 's an island with a small community and an easy - going vibe . But Lamma is more westernized and is more of a hippie haven than Cheung Chau . I have no problem with bars ( such as the wonderfully named ' Dalai Lamma ' ) but Lamma somehow feels a bit less . . . authentic . Nonetheless , the views while hiking the island are heavenly . Kat Hing Wai is a walled village up in the northwestern corner of the New Territories . It 's pretty much exactly like it sounds ; a bunch of slender houses within a great brick wall . But what makes this so special is that it was founded by the Tang family 500 years ago and many of their descendants still live there . In a city infamous for destroying its ancient history , this village is quite a unique specimen . And not surprisingly , it 's well off the beaten tourist path . This park was built after one of Kowloon 's most crowded and sketchy public housing projects was destroyed in 1994 . It 's now a vibrant green paradise that is both historically interesting and visually stunning . Before the park was a residential area , it was a military fort serving the Chinese and British at different times . I think the current state of this plot of land is the best yet . These two parks stand across the street from each other in Diamond Hill , Kowloon . Both are filled with plant life and temples that almost make one forget that there 's a westernized shopping center a stone 's throw away . The pictures should say it all . So zen . The 10 , 000 Buddhas in Sha Tin is one of the most amazing examples of Buddhist artistry I 've seen yet . And that 's saying something , having been in Asia for five months now . Once you think you 've seen every statue or shrine here , another one is peaking around the corner . Of course , the main draw is the 10 , 000 tiny gold Buddhas in the main sanctuary . Believe it or not , each in unique from the next . Of all the islands I 've been to , Tung Lung probably has the least ' stuff ' . Unlike Lamma or Cheung Chau there 's no 7 - 11 , no grocery store and maybe one restaurant . When I was at that restaurant , a Chinese boy stared at me like he 'd never seen a white man before . Truly strange in Hong Kong as us foreigners are everywhere . But what I most remember about this place are the powerful waves crashing up against the rocks on the coast . Talk about the uninhibited power of nature . Other than the young age of my students , one thing that really sets my job apart from your average teaching job is that each child is accompanied by another person . I 'd say 80 % of the time , this other person is a domestic helper , usually from the Philippines . These women are referred to as " jei jei " or " aunty " by their employer 's children . The other 20 % are with parents or grandparents , but most of the children in Hong Kong are raised by their jei jei . Especially the affluent children that I teach at my school . At the moment , I 'm reading a popular novel called The Help and I can 't help compare the lives of African American women in the 1950s American south to the jei jeis in modern Hong Kong . Certainly the racism here is not as fierce as that , but sometimes I sense that there is a sort of racial hierarchy that no one really talks about . The smaller darker women do things like change the kids ' diapers while the parents go out and buy their baby designer clothes . Similarly to the maids in The Help , I see the children get deeply attached to the jei jeis , often more comfortable with them than their parents . Of course , the majority of the parents I meet seem like kind , benevolent people but there 's no denying that having a personal servant dependent on you for a salary is a bit of a power trip . On Sundays , certain areas of Hong Kong are completely packed with domestic helpers socializing with one another on their one legally mandated day off . They flock to places like Victoria Park in Causeway Bay just to sit and socialize in their native Tagalog . If you go here on a Sunday , there 's a sea of these women covering every patch of grass . The same can be said for the cheap market places in Mong Kok and Yau Ma Tei ; it 's really quite a sight . In your head , you may picture the ethnic makeup of Hong Kong as being Chinese people with a few white folks like me mixed in . But in reality , there are probably just as many if not more Filipina women as Westerners , though I don 't know the exact numbers . Filipino people typically speak English and Tagalog fluently , so at my school , I 'm able to occasionally converse with them . Teaching toddlers can occasionally be a bit boring as the kids can 't do all that much yet , so I enjoy talking with the jei jeis . It 's rarely about anything more personal than small talk about the kid they look after , but these women are almost always friendly , kind people despite their low social standing . We 're supposed to scold them from speaking Tagala during class , but I have no problem with them making friends with oBen Tully Though today is a major holiday in the USA , it 's nothing special in Hong Kong for obvious reasons . Still , I wish all my American friends and family a happy turkey day today . I write this in the middle of a stretch of eleven straight weeks with no days off save Sundays . This is part of my excuse for being less consistent about posting here . Also , now that I 've been in Hong Kong for several months , I have fewer touristy discoveries to report . Still , I think that on this Thanksgiving Day , I 'll do another sort of ' day in the life ' blog post , much like I did several months ago . 6 : 30 am : Wake up and get ready to begin the day . 7 : 15 : Board the minibus to Choi Hung . The bus I take nearly every day now , this relatively quiet and cheap 16 - person bus winds through the hills by the water of Clearwater Bay . It 's a relaxing way to start the morning and minimizes the time I spend on the MTR , which is insanely crowded in the morning . On the ride over , I listened to The Go - Betweens on my iPod . 8 : 20 : Arrive at work ( right next to the mall ) , change into my uniform and prepare for the days lesson . This included practicing my own ukulele arrangement of ' Turkey in the Straw ' in celebration of the holiday . As my school is an American school , we were encouraged to find ways to celebrate , which is obviously fine by me . 9 : 00 : Begin the first of my four consecutive morning classes . Today , I had the students make turkey handprints before we feasted on food that everyone brought from home . It wasn 't turkey or mashed potatoes , but various cakes and crackers are enough to make me happy . The Cantonese phrase for tasty is ' Ho mei ! ' 12 : 00 pm : The fourth class ends and instead of getting lunch during my break , I just socialized with the teachers a bit in the staff room before going up to the empty playroom to read a few pages from The Help on my Kindle . I even had time for a brief nap , something that almost never happens . With all the food in the morning , I did not need to spend any money or time on lunch today . For this , I give thanks : ) 2 : 15 : Teach two more classes . These consisted mostly of eating more food and trying to convince children that the paint on their hands was not scary . Some cried hysterically when the paint brush touched their palm , for whatever reason . 4 : 00 : Go back to the staff room for my second prep period . Here , I began working on my D . O . L . or Demonstration of Learning . This is a bunch of photos of my students doing some activity from my lesson , like , for example , sticking straws on PVC paper . Unfortunately , the computer was so slow that I got extremely frustrated and left work in a rather sour mood . 5 : 30 : Take the MTR to Mong Kok to this inexpensive suit shop where I exchange my recently purchased white shirt for the pink shirt I had originally requested . Earlier this week , I bought a tailored Chinese - style suit for my school 's tenth anniversary dinner next week . It cost me roughly $ 80 US for everything and I plan to keep this suit for a while . Gotta love Hong Kong and its cheap stuff . 7 : 15 : Arrived home in Chan Uk Village after taking the double - decker bus from Diamond Hill . Again , I love taking busses to avoid the MTR rush hour crowds , AM or PM . About twenty people ride this bus despite its capacity of 100 . 7 : 45 : Walked down with roommate Ben to our neighbor Glenn 's house where we played Wii Sports video games to burn off some steam . I lost at just about every game , but it was nice to catch up with Glenn and later on , his housemates Katie and Angela . These three Westerners ( American , English and Canadian ) go way back with Ben and were some of the first people I met in Hong Kong . After only four months , they already feel like old friends . 9 : 30 : Came back to my flat where I turned on my computer and finished writing this blog . My Facebook status is currently , " Happy Thanksgiving ! I probably have more to be thankful for this year than any other . Love to you all . " It 's a true statement . Particularly if you care enough about me to finish this entire post . Have a sane black Friday tomorrow ! Hello to all of you again . I 'm sorry that I had to take down the photos of my students from last week . I was informed that this isn 't something I 'm allowed to do , even on my own personal blog . I didn 't get in trouble , just told that what went up must come down . But I hope to see many of you over Christmas and share more photos with you in person if you didn 't see the photos before ! Life in Hong Kong is still wonderful , though I 'm definitely ready to come home for the holidays . The combination of work exhaustion and homesickness is pretty potent , though I 'm sure I 'll be ready to come back here after two weeks . Hong Kong is an incredible place . I 'm continuing to discover new things about it every week and really consider it a second home now . This Thursday is Thanksgiving , although I 'm not sure how much I 'll celebrate it . Not for lack of thankfulness , but because I have to work all day and don 't know who I should celebrate with . I 've met plenty of Americans but none who have the resources and / or energy to cook up a turkey . It 's kind of a shame , but I 'm sure something will happen . Recently , I 've been pondering the idea of being a music teacher in Hong Kong one day . That 's essentially what my preschool classes have become , which is great . But I wonder if teaching older kids about music may be a better long - term job down the road . Particularly since music classes are typically taught in English here . This was just a brief , rather uneventful update for those of you who wanted such a thing . I continue to believe that coming here has been the best decision I have ever made and I want YOU to visit sometime . Hello and long time no blog ! My apologies . For whatever reason , October has been a busy month for me . I 've been meeting new people and doing cool things in addition to working like the dickens at my school . Since my last post , I 've taken a trip to two of the outlying islands ( Lamma and Tung Lung Chau ) , been to the " Halloween Bash " at Ocean Park theme park , had some truly heavenly Indian food and gone to two musical events that I 'll be describing in more detail for you now . One of the very few disappointments I 've had during my time here has been my lack of participation in and / or exposure to anything musical . After so much involvement in high school and college , I 've only really made music in the classroom with kids ' songs . This is fun and all , but before I came , I was really hoping to find some concerts to watch and musical compadres to jam with . Well , this month I attended an opera and a symphony performance . It wasn 't by any means the HK rock ' n ' roll scene I 'm still looking to find , but seeing and hearing classical music live quenched a deep concert thirst I 'd been neglecting . The opera I watched was called Dr . Sun Yat - Sen , all about the controversial love life of China 's revolutionary hero of 1911 . Despite not being a huge opera junky , I thoroughly enjoyed this unique work . Having made its world premiere two days before , Dr . Sun Yat - Sen was sung in Mandarin and was accompanied by a Chinese - style orchestra , despite being Western in nature . And by that , I mean the opera company typically performs works of Verdi , Mozart and Puccini ( not a traditional Chinese opera troupe ) . Musically , SYS was a fascinating combination of eastern and western influences , which made sense , as the composer was a Julliard trained Chinese born man . Another interesting tidbit about the opera was that it premiered in Hong Kong by default after being ' postponed ' in Beijing for vague reasons . The article I read cited ' logistical issues ' but everyone is speculating that the Chinese government felt uneasy about the subject matter , both Sun 's love life and the revolutionary themes present throughout . The fact that this was not an issue in Hong Kong represents why I love this city . Censorship doesn 't really happen here . And people are free to throw tomatoes at their representatives ! ( Yes , that happened in a government hearing a couple weeks ago and was all over the TV ) . The other performance I went to was the Hong Kong Philharmonic Orchestra 's performance of Beethoven , Elgar and Wagner . I managed to snag student tickets in the front row for about $ 8 US ( ! ! ! ) , but they turned out to be off to the side and not totally ideal due to the panoramic style of the concert hall . Still , to see the city 's top classical group was a thrill , especially for one of my favorite pieces in Beethoven 's Pastorale . This rocked furthermore after I got to hang out with some orchestra members at a bar by the pier afterwards . If you want to come here and study upright bass , I now know the people to contact ☺ With my busy work schedule , my faraway living locale and the lack of a major musical culture in HK , it makes sense that I haven 't attended many concerts here . But I know if I put an effort into it , I can work some concerts back into my life . This is a good thing , considering there are few experiences as powerful and uplifting as live music . Posted by I sit and write this on a lazy Thursday evening , which was preceded by a lazy afternoon and morning thanks to a high typhoon warning in Hong Kong . The typhoon is HK 's equivalent to a snow day in Seattle . It happens very rarely and mostly in one season , but when it occurs , it means no school and is a great gift to students and teachers alike . If you haven 't heard of a typhoon , it 's a giant windstorm that 's born in the ocean and gets swept towards tropical countries like Hong Kong . They are very rarely dangerous to us , just exciting . They can be destructive , but this time , it just scattered tree branches and leaves on the ground sometime early this morning . For a while now , I 've been meaning to write a post about how thankful I am for my circumstances in life . I am fortunate in so many ways that I can 't take for granted . Here are the main reasons : - Getting to living in a foreign country . In the most general sense , living abroad is an invaluable experience everyone should have . There 's no other way to realize how insignificant your culture is , yet at the same time , treasure it . If you are reading this and haven 't lived abroad before , try to find a way . - Having a great job . How many 22 - year - old American college grads in 2011 can say they have a well - paying , fulltime job doing something they like ? It was a risk to take this job without ever doing something like it before , but the risk was worth it , as teaching toddlers has proven a rewarding and fun profession . It 's hard work , but I truly feel that I 'm improving people 's lives with what I do . Not to mention , my workmates are people I enjoy seeing every day . - Having an ideal living situation . For my entire life , I have been comfortable with my housing and my current flat is no exception . From day one , I enjoyed living in Clearwater Bay with a man who has become my good friend in my roommate Ben . Furthermore , it 's a spacious flat with a roof overlooking the beautiful mountains and valleys for a cheap price . Sure it 's a bit out of the way , but all the positives outweigh that detail . - Being surrounded by Hong Kong 's vibrancy . The people and places in this region are so full of life . Only six months ago , I just knew I wanted to travel but not where . Turns out Hong Kong was about the best place I could have picked , though I 'll have to test that theory out more thoroughly by travelling around in the future ☺ It 's not a perfect life , with some days being much better than others , but if I could 've seen my current self a year ago , I would have been thrilled beyond belief . So much has gone well for me , it hardly seems fair . I can only end this by thanking the powers that be for the top - notch hand I 've been dealt . In an earlier post , I wrote about the huge amount of time this job requires . If you can 't remember the exact number , it 's 49 . 5 hours every week , including 4 . 5 on Saturdays . And a solid chunk of that time is spent singing and dancing and walking all over campus . Long story short , this is a very tiring profession and it 's made even more tiring when we 're asked to pick up the slack for absent teachers . Still , just about everyone ( including myself ) has a very good attitude about it and we all realize that what we do is much more enjoyable than sitting at a desk in a cubicle alone all day . This Friday , I took my first sick day since starting work here . Or half a sick day , as I came in later in the afternoon , feeling much better . Considering that I 've been working here since early July , I think that 's a pretty good track record . I 'd had a cold for the past few days , but another reason didn 't leave the flat in the morning was that I needed a bit of extra rest like never before . I don 't expect to make this a routine but just one work - free morning did wonders for my attitude and physical well - being . It really sucks that we have to feel guilty about the inconvenience that the other teachers go through in this situation , but sometimes in life , we have to look out for number one . I can 't blame all of the fatigue on my school . Entering the working world for the first time is definitely a factor as I have far less relaxation hours than I did in college and am still adjusting to that . Oh yeah and also , I 'm in a foreign country that 's hot and crowded . Lastly , I have to commute for a total of nearly two hours every day . Fortunately for me , I 'm very young and a naturally energetic person . Otherwise , I wouldn 't have taken this job . But a 50 - hour week is not uncommon is Hong Kong . Most Westerners know about the crazy work ethic of the Chinese people and there is no better place to study that than in Hong Kong . As one of the densest cities on earth , the competition is frighteningly fierce . Why else would parents want their kids to get educated in two languages at six months old ? Even with all the work , it 's hard for me to really complain considering all that 's gone so well for me here in Hong Kong . I have no doubt that I 'm living an abundant life , which is often not the case for recent college graduates , sitting on their parents ' couch . This is very important to me . I 'm undecided if I 'll work at my school for one or two years but at the very least , I 'm now trying to savor my free time like never before . Thank you Mom and Dad for getting me a Kindle ! Good afternoon , morning , evening to you all . Nothing truly significant has happened to me in the past two weeks and hence I skipped last week 's post . Sorry about that . Anyway , I enjoyed a day off from work last Tuesday for the mid - Autumn festival and went to the former Portugese colony of Macau for the afternoon . Macau is the most densely populated place on earth ( 545 , 000 people in 11 square miles says Wikipedia ) but my friend Sandy and I managed to navigate through the casinos and cobblestone streets pretty well . I only did a bit a gambling ( cheap slots ) but did a lot of walking and observing the fascinating combo of Chinese , Portuguese and Las Vegas culture . I hope to go there again one day when I have more time . But for now , I can check it off the list of things to do in the greater Hong Kong area . Here are some photos : - I played the hero of a Chinese folktale in a skit we put on for the children and their parents this Monday for the mid - Autumn Festival . It was incredibly chaotic being told five different things by the five different Hong Kong teachers that were also in the drama but I had a really good time . Most Chinese people know the story of Sheung Oh but it was new to me , so as the children watched me shoot down the nine suns with my bow and arrow , I was probably as clueless as the kids were , despite being one or two years old . I had a good excuse though , being the only foreigner involved . - That same day , my key would not fit in the door of my apartment for no apparent reason when I got home . At 1 : 30 am , I spent about half an hour walking around in the rain between houses of sleeping people I knew until my roommate Ben finally answered his phone and I got in safe and sound . Because it was the night of the holiday , tons of people were still hanging out outside in my usually silent neighborhood . A random Chinese guy offered me beer and to play cards with him and his friends , but I politely declined . I was quite wet and tired . - I 've been in contact with the new English teacher at my school . He seems like a good guy and I 'm excited to meet him in a couple weeks when he arrives in Hong Kong . And strangely enough , he 's from Eugene , Oregon ! Just like every year since 1994 , the beginning of September has meant the beginning of a new school year for me . Now for the first time , I 'm a teacher and not a student . My first six weeks working at my school was for what they call " summer term " but now , it 's officially the start of the 2011 - 12 year . Much like July , this month is about learning lots of new names . I 'd say about a third of my 120 ( or so ) students are new , but I usually am able to remember everyone after a week or two . The beginning is always the hardest with teaching this age group as most of the kids take a while to become comfortable with a new person in their lives . There are , of course , the exceptions that sit on my lap seconds after I introduce myself . But the vast majority of the children will gravitate towards their mothers when I approach them . Fortunately , this distance goes away fairly quickly . This week had a bit of a dark cloud over it as one of the teachers at the school was let go in what I felt was an unjust manner . He had done nothing wrong , but wasn 't teaching the way that he was expected to and was let go because things weren 't working out . I won 't go into this with too much detail on this public forum , but let 's just say I got my first taste of injustice in the workplace in this , my first real fulltime job . Overall , my love for teaching the kids and working with my fellow teachers is much greater than my disappointment in some of my superiors . Still , it 's hard to see a friend treated poorly and not be able to do much about it . I am not personally concerned about getting fired as I 've had no complaints from my boss or kids ' parents so far . I must not take for granted my good fortune in finding a job that was such a great fit for me on the first try . I 'm not sure if I 'll continue on here after a year though . It depends on a great deal of things , and I can 't see into the future . Other than that , there 's not much to report here in Hong Kong . I 'm working hard on my Cantonese and have even started watching some Hong Kong films to more familiarize myself with the culture . As I 've said , the farther I can remove myself from your stereotypical clueless tourist , the happier I 'll be . Posted by On Monday , I went with my fellow American colleague Dan to Cheung Chau , an island south of Hong Kong Island . Cheung Chau is only a forty - five minute ferry ride away from Victoria Harbor , but it 's about as different from bustling HK Island as possible . CC is a fishing village , home to about 30 , 000 people and zero cars . The only motorized vehicles are ambulances that look like ice cream trucks . The pace of life is very slow and the whole island has an easy going feel to it . We didn 't do anything truly amazing , just walked around , admiring the natural beauty . A highlight for me was turning a corner and seeing a pristine beach and jumping in the water seconds later . Not to mention , the delicious seafood and the extremely friendly waitress and cook at the restaurant . Cheung Chau Harbor On Tuesday , I journeyed out on my own to Stanley , a popular tourist destination on the south side of HK Island . All the skyscrapers and commerce are on the north coast , so much like Cheung Chau , it was a nice change of pace . However , Stanley didn 't feel like going back in time like CC did . Stanley has one of the most famous markets in Hong Kong , and for whatever reason , this didn 't thrill me that much . I 've now been to many Chinese markets and I kind of get the point now . There 's a lot of random stuff for sale and vendors are griping at you to buy it . But Stanley also had a beautiful beach and there was a park that I particularly enjoyed . It 's rare to ever be outside and completely alone in Hong Kong , so I took advantage of that by filming some videos with silly commentary about the flora and fauna I was filming . For personal enjoyment only . Wednesday and Thursday were days to hang out with friends . I 've mentioned this before but one of the best parts about my school is working with and spending time with my fellow teachers from Hong Kong . I went to Dim Sum ( lunch ) with a whole slew of them and watched my first Cantonese movie in a Hong Kong theater , called Overheard 2 . Fortunately , there were English subtitles but the movie was still confusing . I 'd call it a stock market gangster action movie , if you can imagine that . Later that night , I went to a hip - hop dance performance with one of our HK teachers , Sharman , who 's a hip - hop dancer herself . It was truly incredible , despite not always being my musical cup of tea . The Hong Kong kids can really dance ! And the next night , I met up with Mennie , a HK teacher who just moved on from my school after five years working here . She took me to an excellent Chinese restaurant near her home in Diamond Hill . Hong Kong women love taking photos for Facebook even more than American women As much as I love spending time with my compadre Westerners exploring this city , there 's nothing better than spending it with real local Hong Kong people . It makes me feel more like I 'm becoming a real resident here and not a tourist , jumping from sight - seeing area to sight - seeing area . Speaking of which , that 's exactly what I did this weekend in Taipei . You may now move your eyes a couple centimeters down . When I discovered I had a vacation at the end of August , I decided I had to go somewhere interesting outside of Hong Kong . We don 't get many holidays and I 'm surrounded by wonders in every direction . I pondered places like Ho Chi Minh , Vietnam and Bangkok , Thailand but ultimately decided on Taipei , Taiwan - though I hope to go the those other places eventually as well . It 's an only an hour and a half plane ride away and was just the right combination of allure and convenience for my budget and time constraints . I knew very little about Taipei and though I was only there about two days , I discovered that it 's quite a nifty city . I travelled alone , which I was initially a bit nervous about , though I had no reason to be . I 've learned this summer that I am generally very good at figuring things out on my own and not much really fazes me . For example , shortly after arriving at the hotel Friday evening , I decided to walk to the Xingtian Temple , as it was relatively close . I got a little bit lost , in the dark , in a rather dirty part of a city that doesn 't speak my language very well , and there was lightning and thunder , and trashcans burning on street corners , and thousands of people driving motorcycles like maniacs , and I had no phone . But I was still enjoying myself , not panicking in the least as I went down various dark alleys . I eventually found the temple , ate a burger down the road and made my way back to the hotel a couple hours after I had left . Some of you may prefer the word stupid to laid - back , but I 'm still alive right ? And don 't worry , Taipei is renowned for its friendly , safe atmosphere and I never journeyed too far from the main drag of 711s and Taiwanese restaurants . Please don 't judge me for getting a burger . I had Taiwanese for lunch and dinner the next day . On Saturday , I decided to go on a bus tour of the city . Since I was here for such a short time , I chose to swallow my pride and act like the ultimate , stereotypical tourist with map and camera always at the ready . Plus , every guided tour I 've been on in my life has had an awesome tour guide , and this was no exception with the hilarious Lilin . On the tour , two families ( from Hong Kong ( ! ) and Malaysia ) and I went to a famous art gallery called the National Palace Museum , the Chiang " Father of Taiwan " Kai - Shek memorial , the Martyrs Shrine and yet another gorgeous Daoist Temple , where we randomly saw a soap opera being filmed . The first three sites are all major landmarks of Taiwan . Check out the pictures below : Chiang Kai - Shek Memorial The Chiang and I Daoist Temple ( never was told the name ) Shrine of Martyrs After the tour , I went to the world 's second tallest building , Taipei 101 . In the interest of time , I decided not to go up to the top but ended up going back Sunday . The reason I cut this short was that I decided to go to a baseball game that evening . The game was in New Taipei , which , confusingly , is a different city than Taipei but I managed to find it by train and taxi . This was a major highlight of the trip , as I ended up sitting with the wife of one of the coaches , an American man named Corey Paul who was drafted by the Mariners in the same year as Ken Griffey Jr . No joke . His wife was super nice and I essentially got a free lesson on the Chinese Professional Baseball League from the one other English speaking person at the park . After the game , I went to the Shilin Night Market , which had some crazy , crazy foods . The last picture is the sizzling steak that I got . Not the most adventurous choice , but still yummy and cheap . On Sunday morning , I went on another tour ( with another great tour guide ) of the northern coast of Taiwan . It was an entirely different side of the area that you can 't get in Taipei . We saw some beautiful beaches , a fishing village and the Yehliu Geopark . I 'm guessing this is like Taiwan 's Yellowstone and Grand Canyon put into a much smaller area . The main draw is the Queen 's Head Rock , which really does look like a profile of Cleopatra , or at least how Egyptian artists portrayed her . This tour was with only one other guy by the name of Andrew , a pharmacist who came from Indonesia . Andrew is vacationing in Hong Kong next weekend , so we may meet up again quite soon , bizarrely enough ! Holy erosion Batman ! That afternoon , I went to the observation deck of the Taipei 101 , which cost $ 400 . It 's a good thing one U . S . dollar is thirty Taiwanese dollars ☺ Anyway , it was an incredible sight to see a metropolis from 1 , 400 feet above . I also got to see the giant ball that counterbalances any sort of high - speed typhoon winds or earthquakes . I haven 't travelled much , but thanks to Taipei , Hong Kong and Shanghai , I 've seen three of the top four tallest buildings in the world . Now I just need to make a quick stop in Dubai I 'll be good to go . I probably won 't get to go anywhere else exciting in Asia until next January , so I 'm glad I was able to have this trip in Taiwan . Overall , it was a memorable , exciting weekend . Soon , back to the grind of playing songs and reading stories to adorable children . Sometimes , I have trouble believing this is really my life . Thanks for coming to my blog ! My name is Ben and I 've been working as a teacher in Hong Kong since July 2011 . I 'm a graduate of Pacific Lutheran University in Tacoma , Washington , USA and thoroughly enjoy sharing my expat experiences and artistic interests with anyone who 's curious . Thanks for coming to the site !
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I 'm an author of romance novels . This is my place to discuss my WIP and completed works in addition to anything else that 's going on with my writing . View my complete profile Shah Wharton has the distinction of being the first blogger to review Vampire Dreams , and I am thrilled to say she loved it ! You can check out her review at her blog , WordsinSync . Thank you , Shah , for not only giving it such a glowing review but for taking the time to read it . I appreciate it so much . The official release date for Vampire Dreams is June 10 , but readers can get an early copy at Smashwords , so click over there to grab one . If you prefer to purchase from Amazon , it will be there on June 10 . : ) Although its official release isn 't until June 10 , Vampire Dreams is available on Smashwords now . Since I was unsure how long it would take and how much I 'd screw up when I began formatting things , I decided to just bite the bullet and begin . Well , a couple hours later and voila ! Vampire Dreams is for sale at Smashwords . Now I have to tackle Amazon so I can get it up there too . And then Barnes and Noble . And then AllRomance . But if they 're anywhere as clear as Smashwords was , it should be easy peasy . ( Famous last words . . . ) Also on the great news front , I got word yesterday from someone I 'd sent a copy of the book to that her review is complete . She gave me a sneak peak , and I 'm thrilled to say she loved it ! I 'm not a squee kind of girl , but this calls for one . : D Thanks Shah ! Finally , I also got great news about the cover for Love 's Master . The wonderful Elaina Lee sent me the proof for it , and it 's almost done . Just an apostrophe and a quick font change for my name , and it will be ready for the world . I can 't wait to put it up ! It 's S - E - X - Y ! Now I have to get to typing the book so I can get it up at all the outlets for its mid - July release . So if you have $ 1 . 99 and you feel like some sexy reading , head on over to Smashwords and pick up a copy of Vampire Dreams while you sit at the barbeque enjoying your hot dog and potato salad . Have a great weekend ! at Here 's the book trailer for Stolen Destiny , due out from Siren Publishing on June 29 ! It 's up on YouTube now , so I 'd love it if you 'd go check it out and give it a like and a comment . Thanks ! : ) at It 's a sultry night in the northeast , and the thunder and lightning is all around me as I type this . Let 's hope I don 't lose my electricity . Welcome to my blog , and if you 're a new follower , please leave a comment so I can hop by your place . And old followers , I always love to hear from you . Have a wonderful weekend ! The 18 & Over Book Blogger Tag Along is hosted by Bitten by Paranormal Romance It 's a great chance for those of us who read adult books to find others like them . Thanks to Laurie for hosting this ! If you haven 't joined in yet , stop over there and add your name ! I always find a new read to add to my TBR pile at the sites on this hop , so be sure to visit everyone . This week 's question : Please tell us a little about yourself and what you read . I have two children , one of whom I home school ( along with some help from math , science , and music tutors - - I am almost completely unskilled in these areas ! ) . I have a master 's degree in history and a bachelor 's degree in English , in addition to certification to teach both in high school . I choose to teach at the college level because I have more freedom that way . I 've been a college history faculty member at a local campus of a big university for over a decade . When I 'm not teaching my child or other people 's , I write erotic romance books . My first two over there in the right sidebar are coming out in June and my second two are coming out in July and August . In addition , I plan to have two more released this fall . ( I 've been writing for a while but only recently have I decided to pursue the dream I put off for years . ) I read romance , particularly paranormal , historical , and erotic ( or any combination of the three ) . I also read mysteries , anything about European and British history , and adore cookbooks since I love to cook . It 's Thursday again , so it 's time for the Author Blog Hop , hosted by Sassy Brit at Alternative Read . com . Each week a question is posed , and authors post their answers . Then everyone hops along ! This week 's question : Put on your reader 's hat . When shopping for a book , what do you look at to help you make a decision whether or not to purchase ? How important is the cover art compared to the blurb ? As a reader , the most important thing to me is the blurb , although I 'm a little different from many people . I don 't need that little bit on the back to set my world on fire . I always cringe when I read people 's ideas on blurbs as if the " hook " is paramount . I don 't want gimmicks . I want a good story . And can it please be about what 's actually in the book ? Nothing is more infuriating than to find out after you 've purchased the book that the blurb on the back wasn 't really what the book was about . It 's like being fooled by movie trailers , which always seem to show the best parts of the film but often those parts aren 't directly related to the main plot . However , I know cover art is very important these days . It doesn 't change my interest in a book negatively , but it may add to my interest . And true confessions time : As an author , I love the cover art process ! I 've had a ball with the two covers I have for my June releases , and I just began the process for my July novella release . I told the artist that aside from the actual writing , which is my favorite part , the cover art process is the most fun I have when I 'm getting ready to put out a book . So I understand completely the love of covers . They just don 't make or break the deal for me , as a reader . at I 'm loving life this week and a great deal of the credit goes to how many words I 've written . Over 5000 words alone on Saturday . It blows the doors off my 3500 a week goal , and I couldn 't be more thrilled . I 'm enjoying writing my new novella , which I 've decided is called Masquerade , and I 'm gearing up for edits on the previous novella , Love 's Master . Already I 'm thinking , " What will I do after Masquerade ? " Of course , there is the editing stage for Destiny Redeemed , which I plan to release in September . And there 's the third book in the Destined Ones Series , Destiny Unbound , which I plan to finish and release either by the end of this year or the beginning ( January ) of next year . But . . . . I 've been feeling a novella vibe recently , and I like the size right now . Perhaps another novella ? Who knows ? What I do know is that I 've never been happier doing what I 'm doing . That means a lot to me . On another entirely enjoyable front , the artist who designs my covers , Elaina Lee , emailed me the proof for Love 's Master , and it 's HOT . She 's so incredibly talented , but in addition , she makes the cover art process so wonderful . With just a little information ( and one of the hottest couples I 've ever seen in a picture ) , she worked her magic and made my day yesterday . I can 't wait to put the final up on the blog to show it off . I also spent hours yesterday on the PDF for the blog tour with Bewitching Book Tours for the first novella , Vampire Dreams . Why hours , you ask ? Because I type too fast . I had two editors do their fine tooth comb business on it last week , and they did the " How can she be in this place at this time and then this place at the same time ? " work . Then I did a final sweep through . The problem is that I type so fast that I make little mistakes , such as every for ever ( that 's a favorite ) . Since I hate typing more than most , I try to get it done quickly . Yes , I know this is a mistake , but each time I do it , I convince myself that this time I 'll do it better . My critique partner can always tell when it was the end of a typing session since that section of the story will have far more typos than others . : ) I finally finished the PDF this morning and sent it off , still worried there was a mistake I missed in there . For me , perfection in this area is a must . It 's a beautiful day here in PA , and I think I 'll reward myself for a job well done with a day outside . I hope you have a great day too . To see more of what other ROW 80 people are up to , click HERE . at Another Thursday night , another chance to reach out to others in the reading and writing community . I didn 't realize how much I like hopping around until Blogger had its meltdown last week . I 'm glad it 's back up and running so I can check out other people and what they 're reading and writing . If you 're a new follower , please leave a comment so I can hop by your place . And old followers , I always love to hear from you . Have a wonderful weekend ! First up is the 18 & Over Book Blogger Tag Along hosted by Bitten by Paranormal Romance It 's a great chance for those of us who read adult books to find others like them . Thanks to Laurie for hosting this ! If you haven 't joined in yet , stop over there and add your name ! I don 't set myself a reading goal only because as a writer , I often don 't have as much time as I 'd like to read . I used to read so much more ( hangs head in shame ) , but now I have to fit in books where time allows between writing , editing , and promoting . I 'm hoping once my three novellas and two books are all finally released ( all scheduled for before November ) that I 'll be able to get back to reading like a fiend again . Next up is Elizabeth Sharp 's Follow Friday for Writers . Thanks Elizabeth ! This one 's for anyone who writes , including anyone who writes a blog . This week 's question : If you could spend a day with an any author , dead or alive , who would it be and why ? Since I 'm an author who writes erotic romance , I assume most people would guess that I would mention a writer who excels in my genre . As much as I think meeting Robin Schone , Tina Folsom , or Charlotte Featherstone would be incredibly interesting , my answer is a bit more old school . If I could spend a day with any author , it would be William Shakespeare . No one before or after Shakespeare has captured the spectrum of human emotions like he did . Pick any of his plays or sonnets and watch the emotional fireworks explode . From the jealously of Iago and the betrayal of Othello to the tortured soul of Hamlet , the playfulness of Beatrice and Benedick , and the foolishness of youth in Romeo and Juliet , Shakespeare mined the depths of the human spirit . There 's a reason his works are still as relevant today as they were hundreds of years ago . They touch on feelings each and every person can relate to intimately . You don 't have to love romance to enjoy watching his lovers come together . You don 't have to enjoy war to feel the power of the characters in his histories . You don 't have to be a sadsack to feel the loss in his tragedies . I don 't think one day would be enough to get in all the questions I would have to ask , but I 'd take that one day and use it well . I 'm pleased to welcome author Joanne Troppello to my blog today . Joanne is a mystery and inspirational romance author , and her newest book is Mr . Shipley 's Governess . Be sure to read the excerpt she 's included at the end of her post for a taste of the story . Are your characters made of flesh and blood ? How do you create unique three - dimensional characters that will stay with your readers long after they finish reading your book ? You need to make your character just like a real person not some fictional flat character that no one will remember . This technique begins with people watching . You need to figure out why people act the way they do . What do people want out of life ? How do people deal with struggles ? What makes humans real and not robotic ? Of course , as you write your story , the plot line will move along but to make the characters extraordinary , you need to let your characters tell the story - and be memorable . Readers need to get inside the characters ' heads and feel what they are feeling and know what they are thinking . If you 're only telling a storyline , you 're not writing an unforgettable book . You first need the basics : male or female , age ( at least generally speaking like mid - twenties , middle - aged etc . ) , what 's the character 's job and basic physical appearance as well as personality . Once you get the basics then the fun part begins . Now you get to flesh out your characters . Make sure you give your character a problem ; whether it is an emotional , physical or spiritual one . What 's in a name … Naming your characters is very important as well . One of the minor characters in my book , Mr . Shipley 's Governess is the butler and I thought about naming him James ; however , that 's stereotypical of a butler . I ended up calling him Nigel - British sounding but less like a butler . The heroine , Sophie , her name did not have any meaning to me . The hero , however , I called Sebastian Shipley . I was going for a name fit for a dashing , yet modern gentleman . It 's your decision on whether or not you utilize stereotypes for characters , but that won 't be very interesting to your readers and it 's especially not a good idea for your main characters . You can use some stereotypes , but the point of writing memorable characters is for you to step outside of the box and create interesting , believable , three - dimensional people . What is your character 's personality like ? Is he a strong type A person ? Is she more laidback and impulsive ? Don 't just say Sophie is laidback ; show that she is . Show her actions that she is more relaxed and not easily bothered by change . Set her up in scenes where you can show her impetuous side and that she might drag the more reserved , Sebastian , out on an impromptu date . What are the mannerisms and habits your character wiWriting in deep POV is extremely helpful in achieving success in your writing . Jump into the mind of your character and bring your reader with you . As you write , it 's very effective to keep to one character 's POV per scene . If you head hop to another character , just make sure that it doesn 't jar the readers out of the scene into a tailspin of confusion . You want every aspect of your story to flow together seamlessly so that your readers are fully engaged and not confused , wanting to put the book down and not finish reading . Do you know what motivates your characters ? If you don 't know , you 'll never be able to get that across to your readers in a believable fashion . Is your character motivated by greed or love or bitterness ? There are so many different aspects of character motivation that you can utilize . If he or she is motivated by greed , what made this character live like that ? Share that catalyst and it will be another great factor to draw the readers in to the story . One of the best ways to know if your characters are believable is to ask yourself : do you remember your characters ? Do you want to read more stories about them ? The likelihood that you care about your characters will mean that others will too . Always be open to learn new techniques for character development and don 't shy away from editors . Meticulous editing will assist you , if you 're willing to take constructive criticism , in writing the best novel . For Mr . Shipley 's Governess , I had two awesome editors through a two year period of writing / editing , who helped me see critical aspects of proper writing techniques that I was missing . Sure , I could have ignored their assistance , but I wanted my writing to be my best . How do you flesh out believable three - dimensional characters ? Are there any memorable characters from books you 've read that have stayed with you long after reading the story ? I 'd love to hear from you . All commenters today will be entered into a drawing to win a copy of my eBook , Mr . Shipley 's Governess . Thank you so much for stopping by . Excerpt from Mr . Shipley 's Governess Purchase Link : http : / / www . allromanceebooks . com / product - mrshipley039sgoverness - 481158 - 149 . html Sebastian leaned against the doorframe of the library , amused that Sophie continued reading , oblivious to his intrusion . He watched her scrunch up her face in consternation , engrossed in the book . " So , who do you like better , me or Mr . Knightly ? " He heard her sharp intake of breath . She nearly dropped the book as she turned to look at her intruder . Sophie got up quickly and before he realized it , she walked across the room to the bookshelf . " So , you really read Emma , too . That 's still surprising and sweet . " She moved away , running her finger along the spines of the books . He kept following , backing her into a corner . She leaned her hands against the windowsill and backed up as far as possible . She laughed nervously . " So , tell me again why you interrupted me . " " I did it because I 've wanted to do this for a long time now . " He cupped her face , tracing the outline of her lips with his thumb . Then he lowered his mouth to hers and kissed her gently , at first , but soon his fervor matched hers . She put her arms around his neck and moved in closer . Finally , they pulled away from each other , both breathless . " I … I 'm sorry . " As he walked out of the room , he still felt the warmth of her lips on his and the softness of her body in his arms . He chided himself . " Shake it off , man . " Then he walked down the hall in search of his brother . It 's Thursday again , so it 's time for the Author Blog Hop , hosted by Sassy Brit at Alternative Read . com . Each week a question is posed , and authors post their answers . Then everyone hops along ! It all depends on what day it is . If it 's a weekday , I don 't write until nighttime because in the mornings I home school my son and then in the afternoons I go to work to teach other people 's children . If it 's Saturday , I begin writing at around 10 am . Whenever I begin , I hand write everything , so I sit on my bed with my notebook and pen , a large glass of iced tea , and music playing in the background . When I get situated , I begin by reading over what I wrote the previous day to see where I was going and what mindset I was in . I do a brief edit session after I read over the pages , checking for grammar issues , repetition , and incomplete thoughts . When I 've cleaned things up a bit and expanded on things I 'd left unfinished , it 's time to begin . Because handwriting a scene or chapter takes longer than typing it , I have time to think through the characters ' actions and motivations , their dialogue , and the action taking place . I find this works well for me because I may get 4 - 5 pages written in a few hours or up to 25 pages written on a Saturday or Sunday . ( Admittedly , while I may not take a break when I write at night , I do take a break during the weekend 12 hour marathon . Usually , I take an hour or two off to exercise and grab a bite to eat . ) Welcome to Wednesday and another check in with ROW 80 . So much is going on with having two books coming out in June that writing is fighting with promotion for equal time . I think if someone asked me what I thought was the biggest surprise about having a book published , I would have to answer the promotion that goes into it . I can say I see the issue from both sides since I 'm self - publishing my first novella , Vampire Dreams , on June 10 and am being published by Siren for my novel , Stolen Destiny , on June 29 . As far as I can tell , it 's the same process for the author . I 'm expected to do the lion 's share of publicity for the book with the publisher , and I 'm doing all the publicity for my indie book . Thankfully , I didn 't go into this thinking it was 1955 and publishers catered to authors . ( Ok , settle down . Wipe the soda from your face and make sure it isn 't still coming out of your nose . Did you get any on the screen ? ) I 'm a hands - on kind of gal ( do my own home improvement , home school my son ) , so this promotion work isn 't anything I can 't handle . It is , however , taking away time from the writing . This week I finalized the edits for Vampire Dreams , which is set to release on June 10 . I 'm so excited about that ! Coming in a little under 20 , 000 words , it 's the first in a trilogy of erotic novellas set in Victorian England . It 's the only one out of the three that 's paranormal ( the other two are straight up historical ) . I also completed Love 's Master , the second novella in the trilogy . Editing will begin in a week or so , but for now , I 'm very pleased with this story . It 's an historical , but with a twist : it involves BDSM ( pretty light stuff , in truth , but yummy ) . Finally , I began the last novella , as of yet untitled . I 'm about eight pages into it , and I 'm loving it already ! Now you see why I 'm wishing my time didn 't have to be so devoted to promotion . I 'm so thankful for the bloggers and authors who have extended me a welcome to come to their blogs and talk about my books . Expect to see them here at my blog because I 'm a8 : 17 AM For me , the business end of the author 's world is where the work happens . The writing is pure joy . Love it . Then it comes time to get the word out about your books . However , I 've been fortunate to have some very nice people , many of them fellow authors , offer me time on their blogs , so I 'm thankful for that . I 've created a page with a list of where I 'm scheduled to appear so far . I plan to add more , particularly when I begin to request reviews from the list of bloggers I 've compiled , but for now , take a look and check out where I 'll be talking up Stolen Destiny and my two novellas , Vampire Dreams and Love 's Master , in addition to discussing everything from paranormal romance , BDSM , and writing erotica based in Victorian times and character interviews with Varek from Stolen Destiny , Brandon and Arden from Vampire Dreams , and Kadar from Love 's Master . For all this , click on Upcoming Appearances . It looks to be a great summer ! at Siren has put Stolen Destiny on its release calendar for June 29 . It will join Vampire Dreams that month , which I plan to release on June 10 , so it 's going to be a busy month . In addition , I 'll be interviewed at Felicity Heaton 's blog on June 22 and giving a character interview with my hero from Stolen Destiny , Varek , at Rochelle Weber 's blog on June 26 . Also , I 'll be guest blogging on July 1 at Lindsay Below 's blog and giving another character interview at Karenna Colcroft 's blog with Brandon and Arden from Vampire Dreams on July 5 . I 'm also looking into a blog tour for at least one of the books , so that may be in the works soon . I plan to create a page in the near future that will list where everywhere I 'm appearing , but for now , I 'm just excited to finally have a date pinned down . Finally , I 'm going to be requesting reviews from a number of bloggers ( I have some lined up already , but I 'll be looking for more ) for both books , so if you 're interested in one or both , email me at gabriellebisset @ gmail . com Stolen Destiny : Released from Nil to find a murderer , a prison - hardened Varek Leale is convinced no woman deserves the man he 's become , but his Aeveren destiny makes him succumb to sweet and sexy Callia Reynolds . To catch the murderer , they turn to Amon Kalins , an ancient Aeveren with the power to control time . But Amon isn 't a man to trifle with and when he wants something , he 'll use his considerable powers , devastating charm , and good looks to get it . What Amon wants is Callia . When he manipulates time and seduces Callia away , Varek must turn to the people who set him free for help to get her back . But the Council doesn 't do anything without requiring something in return , and what they want is Amon Kalins , one of the most powerful Aeveren ever . Varek will do what he must to capture him and find Callia because if he doesn 't , she 'll be lost to him for untold lifetimes . ( Stolen Destiny is a full length novel . ) Vampire Dreams : Homeless and without any family , Arden Stephens must live on the streets of mid 19th century London , never a safe place for a young woman . One night , as she is running for her life from an attacker , she is rescued by Brandon Ridley and offered a place in his home as his maid . Brandon is enchanted by Arden from the moment they meet , but just as she has secrets , so too does he . A vampire hundreds of years old , he yearns for the companionship she can give him . But for that he must make her one of his kind . Nightly , he visits her in her sleep , preparing her for the night he will finally make her his own . For Arden , the wanton dreams she has about her handsome employer seduce her and each day when she wakes up , she finds herself more drawn to him . But love and desire aren 't enough for Brandon to sire her . He must first obtain the approval of his maker , an ancient vampire named Vasilije who has thwarted his chance for happiness before . But if Brandon can convince him , he may finally find the love he 's been without for centuries . ( Vampire Dreams is a novella . ) I recently decided to leave Verizon for my cell phone , home phone , and internet service , in addition to DISH network for my television . I got a better deal somewhere else , and I really wouldn 't have left DISH if it weren 't for that . Verizon , on the other hand , is a totally different story . Verizon I was looking to leave for a while . The problem I had with Verizon focused on their business plan , or at least what I can fathom is their plan . I went with Verizon , at one time for all the services I just listed , because they delivered great prices with great customer service . However , then over the years , the DSL got slower and slower to the point that there were times I couldn 't get the pages of blogs to load . I don 't care how much I 'm paying , that 's unacceptable . In addition , their cell service charges were just out of this world compared to the other companies , and their claim that their service is better than everyone else 's wasn 't convincing . So when I found a better price , I took it and happily left Verizon . I had to call this morning to make sure everything was finished with both DISH network and Verizon . The DISH network people couldn 't have been nicer . They wanted to know why I was leaving their company , and when I explained that it was just a matter of money , they explained that they hope I 'll return someday and that I 'm always welcome back as I was a great customer . ( They like people who pay their bills , I guess . I don 't think I 've ever done anything extraordinary as their customer . ) Verizon 's behavior was entirely different . I was shuffled around to three people and left on hold for 5 minutes . This is nothing new in my experience with Verizon , but it irritated me , nonetheless . When I finally reached the last person , his tone could at best be described as disinterested and at worst rude . No thanks for being a customer since we were so much smaller than AT & T but you went with us anyway because we offered great prices . No we hope you 'll come back someday . No thank you at all . I tell this story because it seems to me that Verizon has gotten very much like so many other companies , including those I encounter in publishing . The customer is always touted as someone important , but in reality , companies like Verizon and publishers like the big NY boys arbitrarily decide what they think people should have , and it doesn 't seem like it 's based on their potential to make money . If Verizon 's decisions were based on success in the long term , they wouldn 't allow a customer to leave them to have their three cell phone lines , one home phone line , and internet service with another company . Keep in mind that I 've called Verizon a number of times to ask them if there was anything that could be done about my slow internet and the prices I was paying for all their services , particularly my cell phones . Their answer each time was " No , " and one time a snappy little Verizon tart even took the time to inform me that " Verizon doesn 't price match . " Well , chicka , that 's a mistake because other companies are now getting my money and my loyalty . Likewise , if the big 4 or 5 traditional publishers were truly interested in making money instead of jealously guarding the gate to make sure only books they like get through , they could be making a ton of money . Instead , these companies make foolish decisions based on a snobbery about what is acceptable that should have left them ages ago . Their decisions seem better suited to some archaic business plan straight out of the roaring 80s . And the temerity of them to charge upwards of All of this makes me wonder just what the business of these businesses is . Have they decided to abandon the idea of making money in favor of some snobbery that they 're so important that customers won 't leave them ? Word to the wise , ladies and gentlemen who run these companies : we customers can and will leave you in a New York minute . The federal government may believe there are companies that are too big to fail , but we don 't . at Another Wednesday and another ROW 80 check in . I 've completed one of my goals by editing Stolen Destiny and getting it back to the publisher , so that feels good . I 'm almost finished editing Vampire Dreams , and in addition to pruning a bit , I 've added almost seven pages to the manuscript . Originally , I had planned on it being at most 15 , 000 words , but I 've since changed my mind , so it 's grown a bit to almost 20 , 000 . My publication date is set for June 10 , so formatting for the various outlets comes next . The second novella , Love 's Master , is shaping up nicely . I will finish it this week , and then editing begins . I plan to publish in July . It 's looking like it will end up at around 25 , 000 , if not a few thousand more . Elaina , the fabulous artist who will be doing the cover for this one just as she did with Vampire Dreams , has me in queue , so the cover will be coming in a little bit . And the third novella , which has no title as of yet , I fleshed out with the help of my critique partner last Friday , so I 'm chomping at the bit to get at that one . I 'm trying to keep myself in line and finish Love 's Master first , but it 's difficult when so many ideas for this third one are just bubbling up in my brain . I 'd like to have this one finished , edited , and published by summer 's end . I don 't know how many words I 've written since last Wednesday since much of my time has been spent editing , but assuming I wrote seven pages , I 'm coming in at right around 1800 . My goal was 3500 a week , but with all the editing and promoting I 've been doing ( I didn 't even mention the promotion efforts . . . Twitter , blogging , creating widgets - - that calendar countdown widget in the upper right hand corner is something I did the other day - - emailing other bloggers about swapping blogs . . . it takes almost as much time as writing ! ) , I 'm ok with a little less writing because I know the publicity is necessary . However , I 'd much rather be writing than anything else . : ) I commented on another author 's blog this morning about banishing the toxic elements from our lives , particularly our writing lives , and then I opened my email and BAM ! There was some toxic waste like no other . Without getting too much into it because I 'm sure I would offend someone and I 'd like to avoid that , I entered my book , Stolen Destiny , into a couple writing contests a while back . It 's a long story , but a friend convinced me that if a regency romance in which the heroine and hero are named Goodly and Wicked could do well , mine would be fine . I found out right after I submitted my entries that Siren had offered me a contract , so it was a moot point anyway since neither contest was open to published authors . I received the judges ' scores from the first contest a while back and saw that , in fact , my dear manuscript was not fine in the hands of these people . Because I don 't conform to the quite strict " rules " of romance writing , they didn 't appreciate the story ; at least that 's what their comments indicated . My hero is terribly flawed , and my heroine isn 't feisty enough ( hint : she 's not a pain in the ass who continually gets in the hero 's way ) ; I don 't adhere to the strict POV rules that seem to govern romance stories , except for those written by Nora Roberts ( I prefer the much freer style like Roberts ' that seems far more natural to me for my novel length stories ) ; and the sex in my stories is steamy ( one judge had a problem with the word cock - - said it was a modern word and seemed odd in a flashback to the late 1700s - - I won 't even comment on such a statement ) . Today 's email was much like the first . They don 't like the POV style , mainly . The hero issue didn 't bother them so much . But the sex made their knickers bunch up . Just like after the first email , I felt the negativity begin to settle into my brain . Then a friend of mine reminded me that this is a very parochial organization that runs these contests , and in the end , I have to be true to myself . He 's quite right about the parochial nature of the group . Iat So I decided to enter the 21st century and get on Twitter . If you knew me , you 'd know this is a big deal since I just got a phone that does more than call and text last week ! I 'm a little old school , I admit . I don 't know if I 'll ever be as popular as Charlie Sheen on Twitter , but that 's ok . There 's an adorable little pic on the right sidebar above followers that you can click on and follow me , so feel free and I 'll follow back . And I 've added the little buttons underneath each post so you can tweet or facebook any of my posts . This 21st century stuff is nice . . . . and there are no silver jumpsuits or flying cars at all . ( I 'm actually a little bummed about the no flying cars thing . ) First up is the 18 & Over Book Blogger Tag Along hosted by Bitten by Paranormal Romance It 's a great chance for those of us who read adult books to find others like them . Thanks to Laurie for hosting this ! If you haven 't joined in yet , stop over there and add your name ! Next up is Elizabeth Sharp 's Follow Friday for Writers . Thanks Elizabeth ! This one 's for anyone who writes , including anyone who writes a blog . This week 's question : What moment has validated you and made you feel like a writer ? I was lucky to find someone early on who I can trust to read my work and grind through things . I don 't know if it was validation , but I definitely felt like a writer when I began to share my work with her . Then being offered a contract by a publisher for Stolen Destiny certainly made me feel like a writer , and no matter what 's happened with that experience , the feeling of reading that email that said " We would like to publish your book " will always be a fantastic one . Finally , when readers leave comments on my excerpts , I feel very much like a writer . To see everyone else 's answer , hop around ! If you 're a new follower , please leave a comment so I can hop by your place . And old followers , I always love to hear from you . Have a wonderful weekend ! Despite the difficulties the publisher and I have had , it looks like Stolen Destiny will still have a June release . I 've been given the date of June 29 , so let 's all think good thoughts . I sent back the edits yesterday , and they sent me the cover art today . The original cover I posted a few weeks ago indicated that the book was the first in a series , but since I 'm going to be publishing the rest of the series elsewhere , they had to adjust things slightly . The result is this cover . Whatever problems I 've had with the publisher , I can 't say enough wonderful things about the designer , Jinger Heaston . She took what I sent in the cover questionnaire and knocked it out of the park . Thanks Jinger ! I couldn 't have asked for a better cover for Varek , Callia , and Amon ( Varek 's the stunning , shirtless one . ) . Here is the cover for my novella , Vampire Dreams , due out in June . Cover artist Elaina Lee did it for me , and I love it ! Thank you so much Elaina ! She does such wonderful work , doesn 't she ? For more information on the story , click HERE . : ) at It 's Wednesday and ROW 80 check in day . I 'm hip deep in edits for Stolen Destiny , part of my goals for this Round of Words in 80 Days . As a result , my writing has decreased considerably , but that 's to be expected . My semester ended last Friday , and I 've entered all my grades , so I 'm officially on summer time ! Now if the weather here in PA would get with the program , life would be fantastic . As it is , we are mired in cloudy and rainy days here . But I 'm looking forward to lots of time to write on this break after edits are completed . Even though I 'm swimming in edits , I have taken time to work with the artist who is creating my cover for Vampire Dreams , the novella I 'm planning to have out in June . I love the whole cover art process , and I can 't wait to see the final product . So far , I 'm in love with what she 's done . I 've even found the image I plan to use for the second novella , Love 's Master , and I can 't wait to see what she does with that cover . What fun ! In addition , I 've been mulling over ideas for the third novella that seems to be on the horizon . I only planned on one , but the ideas seem to be there and I 'm not feeling novel length yet , so another novella it is . So far , I 'm bouncing around the idea of a foreign diplomat - - Russian , perhaps ? - - and a young English lady being drawn together in the late Victorian period . The first two novellas had been set in the mid 19th century , but I 'm feeling like this one will be closer to the end of that century - - 1870 and beyond . I 'll have to see where this one goes . And always in the back of my mind are edits on the second novel in the Destined Ones series , Destiny Redeemed . However , they will have to wait until mid - June , at least . I plan to have that ready to be published by Labor Day . Today I 'm posting a taste of the current novella I 'm working on , Love 's Master . First , here 's a blurb about the story . 23 year old Lily Norville finds herself widowed and forced to live with her brother and his family , including his eight year old son William , who is nothing short of a terror . Sure she cannot go another day with his behavior , she begins to search for a new nanny and tutor for her nephew with little success . But when she happens across an advertisement in the Times that seems to be the answer to her problem , she is set on a path that will take her where she 's never been before . Victorian England is a place of strict social codes , and the world she enters is strictly forbidden for a women of her social stature . Her guide in this world is a man named Kadar , and the feelings he stirs in Lily threaten to change her forever . However , Victorian society is never far away , and her brother intends on seeing his sister remarried and settled into a home near him in Regent 's Park . Lily will have to choose between Kadar , who makes her feel more alive than she ever believed she could and Captain Mason Danvers , the gentleman who can offer her security and comfort for the rest of her life . One Lily sat with a book in the parlor and struggled to tune out the din caused by her eight year old nephew . Repeatedly , he raced back and forth from the kitchen to where she sat , yelling and chasing the cat his parents had given him for his birthday one month earlier . In his wake were toys strewn all about that he 'd repeatedly discarded in favor of something else that attracted his attention . At the moment , it was the cat , which luckily could run faster on four legs than William could on two . While she loved her brother 's child , she lamented the events of her life that had caused her to move in with him and his parents . If only . . . But Lily knew recriminations wouldn 't bring her husband back . Taken from her just three years into their marriage and before they could be blessed with a child of their own , he 'd been a victi10 : 39 AM
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To make a really long story short , my dad 's medical costs have eaten up all of his money . He started out with $ 250K , he wanted to go to the VA nursing home and leave the money to me . I refused . It wasn 't my money ! I have my whole life to earn money . Yes , it would have been nice , but I didn 't feel right about it . My mom thinks he was going to off himself , and not go to the VA . It was important to me that he be in the best place possible when he was still " with it . " Obviously , the dementia had started , but he could talk , joke , move around . Now he 's essentially like an infant , cooing different sounds and just shitting and pissing himself . I hope someone shoots me if I end up like him and my grandma ( his mom ) who was the same way . Anyway , 5 years later , here we are . Out of money . I had two options : Apply for Medicaid or let the VA care for him . I got the Medicaid process started , and realized in a hurry that I don 't have even close to the 5 years of documentation they need , including his birth certificate , and info on his cars that he sold just before I went to Florida and got him in June 2005 . I cried , and stressed , and whatnot about it . Now I 've decided to just let go of it . I contacted the VA social worker , and I was incorrect in assuming he would end up at the state home in the Dalles , OR . I will have a choice in private nursing homes for him . His social security and soldiers pension will go towards his care , and his VA benefits will pick up the rest ( he 's service connected ) . Thank goodness he served in the Navy . I know this really will be the end for him , as I know the reason he 's still alive is due to the extreme amount of care he 's been getting . Caregivers sit with him for hours to get him to drink things . This won 't happen in the VA . And I 'm really okay with that . Which sounds shitty , but at this point the lights are on but noone 's home , and I know he 'd want to be dead anyway . I was stressing out about how to tell the current home he was leaving , and then after losing much sleep over it realized I was worrying about beiPosted by Boring updatey - blog , cause I just feel like it 's time for a download . Winter has officially hit the Couv . Dave scraped my windows for me this morning . First , amazingly enough , Dad is still with us . I actually had an interaction with him about a month ago , like , he tried to talk to me . He 's doing * gasp * BETTER . I don 't understand this . His stubbornness to go just keeps him hanging on . I 've thought long and hard about what in the hell he might be waiting for and I can 't just figure it out . My job is insanity . Like , I want to sit in the corner in a fetal position and cry when I come home insanity . At least I am employed , which is a lot more than a lot of people can say right now , so I should be thankful . My parents are about to lose their home to forclosure . Stepdad is working but there are no sales in the car biz right now , and mom 's hairstyling biz is doing ok but with beauty services being one of those optional things she isn 't making money either . Plus , one of her full timers had to quit cause she had no clientel in this economy either . I feel awful for them . She 's trying to remain positive but I sense she 's on the verge of tears constantly . I can 't help them in any financial way , except perhaps help them with deposits / moving costs when the time comes for them to move out - which I am assuming will be soon , as a payment hasn 't been made in 5 months on the house . I 'm having my typical " change in the weather " funk going on , topped off with feeling icky a lot of the time - Dave and I both have some stupid bug we can 't manage to completely kick . I slept most of yesterday and feel a little better , but could lie down and sleep right now if I could . Halloween was fun - Deanna and I took the kids and her kid out Trick or Treating and Dave stayed back with Mark in their haunted house and scared the crap out of people . Thanksgiving is coming soon . I 'm hosting this year - the ' Rents and Dana and her daughter . Invited a couple more but haven 't heard . I need to get in the spirit of things . I am basically done Christmas Shopping . I amPosted by I went in and leaned down he made eye contact . When I held his hand he held it back , not sure if it was instinct or recognition , but it caused me to lose it . Bawled for about 10 minutes . Told him I loved him , he 'd been a good daddy , that I understood he needed to go soon and that I was ok and he would feel better soon . For whatever that 's worth . He 's thinner , which I know seems impossible . His skin is yellow , clammy , hot . There 's no way he can make it out of this , in my mind . This is round 2 with pneumonia . Not a peep out of him , except for one half - assed cough . Sitting there with his head to the side , nodding off . And so it goes . I feel like the one who 's dying . I thought I was at peace with all of this , but obviously I am not . Just read on an entertainment website that my beloved Rob Pattinson is a possibility for playing Jeff Buckley in the upcoming biopic . * cue clouds parting and angels singing * The combination of two of my strong obsessions combining in one fuckawesome event ! ! Jizz … in mah pants ! ! ! ROFLIt 's either him or that wussy James Franco guy . Dude Rob has to get it . Franco looks more like Buckley , but who cares ? ! ? Much at stake as to who gets cast here . For those of you unaware , I 'm a Buckley FANATIC . Will post a photo of my painting of him later . It makes me sigh internally every time I look at it ( much like the sigh at the beginning of " Hallelujah " ) . I still don 't understand why such a beautiful soul was taken so young . If you 've never experienced Jeff Buckley , put on " Lover You Should Have Come Over . " Listen as deep as you can - preferably in headphones . Even though the version on " Grace " is beyond amazing , the version on " Live from Sin - E " gets me every time in a way that the polished version can 't - the shakiness and breathiness of his voice makes me absolutely weak . He bled his soul into everything and you can feel it . And that is why I adore Jeff Buckley . Invader - street artist from France . He has a thing for awesome 80 's video games . He installs mosiacs all over the world . I am completely fascinated and will find them . Oh yes . Many of them . muhuhahahahttp : / / www . space - invaders . com / This is the coolest guy ever . I thought that the Toynbee tiles was the coolest street art ever , then I discovered this guy . Dear Rob , I find myself howling once again with laughter at my own Rob - inspired idiocy , and thought I would publicly embarrass myself for everyone 's enjoyment - because hell , that 's what the internet is for anyway . I typically don 't go all fangirl over anything ( well except a hot motorcycle , and maybe a sale at Nordstrom , and my dog , but I digress ) . I picked up Twilight because I wanted something mindless " to read . HA , joke was on me , I freaking loved it and ran out and saw the movie soon thereafter and that 's how I turned completely retarded for all things Rob . Fortunately , my darling husband thinks it 's the funniest thing he 's ever seen and doesn 't give a crap that I 'm obsessed or he 'd have dumped my pathetic ass by now . I have a good job with a large corporation . When breaking company internet rules , I saw in my google stalking - er , research this week that you were the latest GQ cover subject . Breathtaking photos by the way , but Jeez , Rob , you sound pretty depressed . C ' mon over and we can hug it out . Then I 'll make you dinner . Anyway , I decided to drop by the local Barnes and Noble to pick it up on my lunch hour today . I was not prepared to have an end display blazing with your hotness all over it ( don 't know why - I am in Marketing for crap 's sake , and Twilight is hot right now ) and I had a , uh , moment . I grabbed the GQ and a couple of other smutty entertainment lying - type mags with your photo on the front and slapped them together , covers touching , so no one could see what I had in my gleeful little hands . I looked around like a wild animal , and very nearly tripped out of my shoes as I attempted to make a beeline for the cashier . The first thought I had was that I felt exactly like I did when I visited a porno shop for the first time . Only slightly more determined . Then I decided it was more like when I was 15 and got my period at my Uncle 's house and had to get him to take me to the drugstore . Similarly , I prayed for a female cashier when it was my turn . Instead I got the Sasquatch Man . Posted by So Dave 's grandpa died last week . It 's no joke to say that I 'm sick to death of death . Really . I just am shitty at this point and wish my dad would get it over with so it could all be done . I haven 't been to see him in a long time because I just can 't . I have to go this weekend though . Today was Grandpa 's funeral . I 've never been to a funeral . This is on purpose . I don 't like the idea of them . And after today I can officially say it 's just not the idea of them , I just really don 't fucking like them . Dave was rather stoic about the whole thing . I was feeling bad for him , I 'd met his grandpa a few times , held his hand for a bit at a family function a couple of years back ( he had a stroke some time ago and was in a wheelchair and struggled to talk , but we managed ) . He was a good looking man , and he gave my handsome husband and his kids their dimples . The first thing that caught me off guard , and I 'm still not sure why it would , was that the funeral was open casket . I had never seen a dead person in person before . I 've got a morbid thing for serial killers and whatever so I 've seen a billion violent photographs and movies and documentaries etc but never anyone right in front of me . It was fascinating in a way . It didn 't look real . It looked like a mannequin or something . And the way they had the corners of his mouth pulled up , when he was a very stoic man , was kinda creepy . I didn 't want to stare , so I only glanced once in a while , but I still can 't believe that was a real person . Anyway , to my complete horror , starting with the opening prayer the waterworks started , and once I started crying I had severe problems trying to remain quiet . And I didn 't really know his grandpa that much , but I was listening and feeling everything that was being said , and all I could think about was my uncle , who I have thought about every day , and missed every day . His memorial is next Saturday and I 'm not going . My reasons for not going were practical - work , having to take care of my mom 's cat so she can go , etc . But after my reaction today IPosted by WTF is it with all my favorite people dying ? Yeah , so what , some punk guy . Bullshit ! The man was a legend , and the man was kind . McMenamins Crystal Ballroom - 2004 . I was with " Thee Ex " ( asshole ) . We were killing time downtown , waiting for the Cramps show to start later . Hit all my favorite record stores , decided to go eat downstairs the Crystal . Guess who was in the booth ? Yup , Lux and Ivy . Since the Cramps were on my mind I 'd just managed to buy a copy of " A Date With Elvis . " It was in my bag . They ordered food , and I asked the waiter if they were drinking . I mean , this is Lux and Ivy , of course they were . I told the waiter I wanted to buy their bottle of wine , as the food was free , but the liquor was not . Cheap McMenamin 's bastards . The waiter delivered the bottle of red , leaned over and told them who it was from . Lux , his massively lean frame , leaned outside the booth , gave me a strange look , raised his glass . I smiled and said " Enjoy . " A few minutes later we got up to leave , I was satisfied to give a little something back to someone who 's music meant so much to me - who 's music helped me survive many lonely hours grounded , feeling like a total freak and misfit , reminding me I wasn 't alone , really . Just as I was about to the door he said " And where do you think you 're going ? " moving his head around like a chicken . I noticed then his front teeth had been capped silver . I walked over to the table and introduced myself . I told Ivy how much she meant to me . How it was she and Joan that inspired me to pick up a guitar . She was tiny , and she was shy . I could tell she was touched . I asked Lux if they were going to play anything off of the new album . " Why sure , " he asked , " What do you want to hear ? " " I need Dr . Fucker . " He laughed and then gave me another confused stare . " Well why that one ? All it is is ' Calling Dr . Fucker . . . Calling Dr . Fucker " . . . he bounced up and down in the booth , singing the chorus in it 's entirety . People stared . I was in awe , grinning like an idiot . " Nah , we aren 't going to play that one . Sorry . " " It 's okaPosted by Tomorrow ( if I get it all cleared with my work - I don 't anticipate problems , but was unable to get ahold of my boss over the weekend ) I am leaving to go be with my family in Sacramento . My beloved uncle , my hero , my friend , is losing the battle with cancer . He is due to pass this week . My mom is going down there with no return date , I am due to return Sunday . I hope that I can be of some help to my aunt and cousins , who I also love dearly . The battle has been long and painful for them all , I know they are all exhausted , and I think I can at least offer an empathetic ear and some strength . It is strange irony that both of our dads will pass this year , and mine has been on hospice much longer but is still ( barely ) hanging on . I tend to do well in crisis situations ( believe it or not ) while they are happening , as I can keep somewhat detached - detached enough to at least keep things together and offer perspective to those involved . I 'm sure this has something to do with my detachment from everyone in general , but in situations like this having this sort of barrier is typically helpful . I 've only had one meltdown , albeit temporarily , about this situation , and the autopilot has resumed . The thing to remember about my uncle and my dad is once this sucky part is over they WILL NOT BE SICK anymore . And I definitely believe in God and " Heaven " ( or higher power / nirvana whatever you want to call it ) and that our time here is just one small silver of what is Real , and that their great journeys are just beginning . While it is sad for us left behind , they get to go Home . And that can bring peace to horrible things like cancer . I wish him peace and a fabulous journey , and I am happy that he will no longer be weighed down with his failing body . My tribute to him will be to try to help those that are left behind try to make sense of all of this and move once again toward Life . See you all in a week .
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We will be using lots of " stuff " in this 2 page layout ! You will get to PLAY with the HOT NEW " Dylusions Ink Spray " Vibrant Turquoise by Ranger - LOVE IT ! ! along with Studio Calico Mister Huey 's Color Mist in GOLD ( for those of you that know me , this is not a surprise - those of you who do not know me - I will admit I am " a bit " addicted to mists of any kind ! ) We will also be using TIM HOLTZ 's Distress Rock Candy Crackle Paint - FUN STUFF ! OH ! ! and ( insert jumping UP and DOWN HERE ! ) we will also use PUNCHINELLA ! ! My AMAZING UNCLE , Mr . Robert M . Zito , passed away on the morning of Sunday , August 26 , 2012 . My Mom , Dad , Brother , my husband Phil and I were by his side . Mom and I spent the night with him in his hospital room , and I thank God for the strength that he gave me to help my Mom , and to honor my Uncle 's decision , to help him to go peacefully to Heaven . You see , it was not an easy thing for him to let go , and go peacefully , as he never was one to " give up " or loose a battle . I told him it was okay , he didn 't have to struggle anymore , and we would make sure he would be comfortable and we would be with him . We never left his side . We are thankful now that he is at peace . My Uncle Bob broke his neck in a swimming pool accident , on August 10th , 1965 . He lived a very full and wonderful life , until his body got the best of him over the last 5 years or so . He always said , " you never see an old quad , " but at 61 , ( he would have been 62 on September 7th ) - he sure fooled them ! ! Although he lived well beyond the years he expected to , it is still not long enough for those of us that love him , and will miss him terribly . My Mom was a wonderful sister to him , she cared for him more like a Mother , as they lost their Mom , my Grandmother , when he was just 13yrs old . They were very close , and were always there for each other . The condolences that are coming in on the funeral home 's website are a wonderful tribute , from all over the world . The words that were spoken by his friends and co - workers who came to pay their respects yesterday were uplifting . He touched so many lives by just being Bob . Just a guy , who happened to be in a wheelchair . He never felt sorry for himself , or complained . We even had him in his favorite T - shirt at the viewing - it said " Attitudes are the only disability . " My Uncle Bob was in a wheelchair for 47 years , since the age of 15 , BUT , the one thing he was not , was disabled or handicapped . Even though his injury defined him as a quadriplegic , he still had the partial use and strength in his arms , and the use of one finger on each hand . It is amazing what he was able to accomplished with so much less than what the rest of us take for granted - 10 working fingers , and 2 working legs . He drove a car - before there were handicap vans - he 'd transfer by a board , from his chair , into the passenger seat , fold up his chair , put it in the back seat , slide himself all the way over to the driver 's seat , and off he 'd go , using hand controls . We were not allowed to help him - we had to stand there and watch him - he had to do it on his own . - He also enjoyed yelling things out while we stood there watching , and people passed by . He and my husband Phil used to go Christmas shopping together , and his favorite things to yell out were " sure just stand there and watch the quad " or one time he said " Where were you when I was in the war ! " He graduated from Hawthorne High School , and from Newark School of Fine and Industrial Arts - he was a gifted artist . Up until a few years ago , he enjoyed distressing model cars , and even sold them on his website , www . zeetsgarage . com The tiny detail work that he was able to accomplish is amazing . Please check it out , and read the stories he made up to go with the cars , and the wonderful comments he received . He learned computer programming and got a job at Met Life . He drove into New York City every day , parked his car , and worked in the Met Life Building , until he was transferred to the Lebanon , NJ area . He was described by a coworker as " a skilled technology specialist and a creative colleague , one who somehow had the ability to get a smile on everyone 's face , no matter how tough or pressured things got . He was always there for everyone on the team , and even offered to help when he was out on medical leave . " All of this with just the use of his arms and 2 fingers . He had a way to make people forget about the wheelchair - he never let it define him - he never let it stop him . My sons will miss his crazy accents , like when he talked like Steve Erwin , or the guy behind the counter in the 7 Eleven . I will miss his sense of humor , his creative talent , dressing up with him on Halloween , his strength and his love . He was a strong man who was put to so many tests . Weaker men would have given up long ago . He never let anything stop him . Even after he lost a leg from the hip down due to bed sore complications almost 3 years ago , he kept on going . He was even doing community service up until 2 months ago . I LOVE YOU Uncle Bob , I will NEVER forget you , and I will always try to be strong like you and live by your example . Thank you for being in my life . ( ( HUGS ) ) ~ Sherri Okay , okay - I know I 've said before that I was never really a fan of the color GREEN - maybe it is because my first car was a 1960 something Dodge Coronet , that was my Great Grandma 's - yes I was LUCKY to have a car of my own , but this one was the UGLIEST color GREEN ! It also had a leak somewhere , so when it rained , the floor on the back seat would fill with water , and it would actually " slosh " around ! LOL ! Anyway - I think I 've made PEACE with the color ( sorry , couldn 't help it ) - and have been using it on the last few layouts that I made . I guess it was the dress and jacket that I bought and wore for my cousin 's wedding back in 2009 that help GREEN to find a place in my life - and now on the last 3 pages that I made too ! The papers I used are a combination of what I 've had in my stash for a while from 7 Gypsies , We R Memory Keepers , and Simple Stories . I love mixing paper lines and manufacturers , along with pattern and colors . Here is the last of the Trilogy - Love this top photo of Phil and I ! The couple with us in the bottom photo is very special to us - it is my husband 's brother Dom , and his wife Deb - but - we are doubly related - as you see , Deb is also my Dad 's youngest sister - so that makes her my Aunt , and Phil 's Brother his Uncle ! I am BLESSED to have all of them in my life ! Here is a picture of a layout I made while away at the last Scrap - a - Doodle Doo weekend event . It is a photo of my husband and I , at my cousin 's wedding in 2009 . We had such a great time at the wedding , celebrating with family . I love this photo of us , and I really LOVE this man I married ! So happy and lucky to be celebrating our 30th Wedding Anniversary later this year too ! The paper I used is a combination of what I 've had in my stash for a while from 7 Gypsies , We R Memory Keepers , and Simple Stories . I love mixing paper lines and manufacturers , along with pattern and colors . I started out with the base green swirl paper , and built the layout from there . I like to cut a 1 / 4 or so off of one side , and the top or bottom , then " mat " the patterned paper on a piece of cardstock . It helps to give the layout more stability , adding weight and support for the embellishments . The resin and metal flowers were from my stash , and the large piece of bling under the Tim Holtz " LOVE " ticket , as well as the heart that is hanging , are old earrings . I was able to change the heart earring from silver to bronze using Ranger Alcohol Inks . I also " inked " the edges of everything with Ranger Vintage Photo Distress Stain . This is not one of my normal scrappy posts , or even a recipe - but I wanted to share our vacation " experience " with all of you , and the lessons we 've learned . We 've just returned from a " RELAXING " week 's vacation , my hubby , our 2 sons ( 23 and 17 ) and our 9 month old Portuguese Water Dog puppy , Maggie , and me too ! Let me add a note at the beginning of this post . We were looking for a place to get away from it all - to disconnect , relax and reconnect and that is what we actually did , despite the condition of our accommodations ! Let me tell you about it . . . . . You see , for months , I searched and searched for a vacation home that was within driving distance from our home , had at least 2 bedrooms , with 3 beds , allowed pets , and had a pool that our puppy could learn to swim in . In February , I found what I thought was the " ideal " place , in Mt . Tremper , NY , about 20 minutes from Woodstock , NY . The description says it is a " Spacious Modern Retreat W HUGE Heated In ground Pool feat in NY MAG " While the house WAS " spacious " and certainly a " retreat , " it was far from " modern , " and I have no idea what magazine it was featured in - or can not even guess why ! We have rented homes and condos through Homeaway . com and VRBO . com in the past - in other areas of the US - Florida , San Diego , CA , Myrtle Beach , SC - we even rented an apartment in Barcelona , Spain through the Internet too - all with WONDERFUL results , and had amazing experiences . All of the others were just at they were described and shown . ( The inside of this home did photograph well on the website but reality is another story . ) The other rentals cost just as much or even less than this one , and were immaculate , some were ocean front and even designer decorated . Well , to say we were disappointed in the actual condition of the home we rented this time , would be an UNDERSTATEMENT ! We were speechless when we pulled up . My hubby and the boys said " This is it ? Are you sure ? " ( there was no photo of the front of the home on the website . ) My 17 year old even went out to his car to search for nearby places to stay on the POI 's in his car 's GPS ! ! ( Let me also say that my family does not have a sense of adventure like I do - I knew we would have fun together , even if the home was in desperate need of updating , TLC and a good cleaning . I begged them to stick it out , and reassured that it would be okay ) It is hard to see in the photo , but the siding was lengths of trees cut from top to bottom , quite " RUSTIC . " There were no curtains or shades on any of the downstairs windows , or in 2 of the bathrooms , and only a few shades in the upstaiThis is the Double bed in front bedroom - aka Sophie 's room . The bathroom off of Sophie 's room was in very poor shape - They had painted the tub at one point , and the paint was peeling off . The drain was all rusty and the tub filled up over your ankles , not to mention the mold . I would not have put a child in that bathtub . Not sure why , but the space underneath the map of Africa has been painted with a @ 3 ' x3 ' square of white paint . I do have to say the wood floors were very nice , and probably the newest things in the house . This is the 2nd bed in this bedroom . There is a rug rolled up under it - and dusty kids toys stowed under the lovely electrical panel . - Again - no curtain on this window that appears from the outside deck to have once been a doorway . The top dresser drawer was broken and fell forward when opened - that didn 't matter as didn 't use any of the drawers - the smell was too musty both in the drawers and really bad in this room . This is the 2nd bathroom - off of the 2nd bedroom - it was very small , the one window did have a shade - there was a small corner stall shower with a neo angle door - no one wanted to shower in it . Oh , I forgot to take a picture of the Sponge Bob light switch plate . Hubby tried to shave here , but the sink filled with water , and took forever to finally drain - he had to move over to Sophie 's bathroom to finish shaving . Here is the Dining Room . It is the room you walk into from the front door ( which is located to the left in the photo ( yes , that is Maggie in the picture ) The info says the table seats 8 - but there are only 4 chairs ! The table itself is kind of cool - it is like an old door or old farm table - problem was the dirt that came off of it when we cleaned it and had to use 5 Clorax Wipes . The wood stove was very rusty - I personally would not feel safe if we needed to use it . I think it is original to the house . Notice there ARE curtains on these windows - not that they block much light , but really didn 't need to in this room . Had to laugh too - look closely - there are 2 curtain rods that do not meet in the middle - and the 1 panel on the right is hung upside down - not sure the last time they were washed either . This is a view from the kitchen area to the front door - with Sophie 's room on the left - the doorway with the chin - up bar ( ? ? why ? ? ) . Lots of games there to play - but the ones we picked were missing a few letters ( Upwords ) and directions , also SORRY - but Sorry had no directions . Oh , that white color on the baseboard area to the left of the front door is where they stopped painting - lots of spots like this throughout the house . Here is the kitchen - that cool design in the front of the counter looked like tile in the website photos - no , I was wrong - ( see the photo belo . ) The fridge was great though - it was clean , and made i e . The microwave and stove / oven were okay - only one shelf in the oven , but that wasn 't a probl m . There was a working dishwasher too - and they did provide dish liquid , dishwasher soap , foil , trash bags , a roll of paper towels , bar soap and toilet pap r . The toaster was usable , I did bring my own Keurig machine , as that was my choice and what I pref r . The pots and pans were pretty unusable , I am glad I brought my favorite frying p n . There was no bowl to make pancakes in , or to use for a tossed salad - ( well , there was one , it was kind of small and had a big chip in i . ) Thank goodness my parents came up to visit on Monday , I had my Mom bring me a cutting board and a big plastic bo l . I left the bowl there for the next people to use - and we used plastic silverware and paper plates while we were there - things just didn 't seem cle Okay - on the far wall , you can see some of the Art Work I was talking about . While it is cute and sweet - and I am sure they are proud parents - it seems like it has been up there for years - it is just taped up not framed . I have no problem with the artwork it self - just the way it was displayed was kind of like " stick it here and leave it for a few years " kind of feeling . Here is an added room - it has a single bed - and a computer that doesn 't work - the keyboard isn 't plugged in , and there is no place to plug it into the PC - so it is useless . ( but , only WIFI was advertised , no computer - so I 'll give them that one . ) That yellow and orange splotch on the wall is a piece of painted canvas . Again , there IS Wifi - BUT there is NO cell service - we were only able to text to other iPhone users , and we could also use the land line phone . Again , this is not a bad thing - just kind of off putting when you are so used to being connected , but it did help us to relax . In this room is also where the washer and dryer are - in what may have once been a closet ? The floor drops down , no molding , and the dryer was covered with thick dust on top . They did provide linens , towels and laundry detergent , along with a laundry basket filled with clothes / linens ? Across the back of the house is the living room / play area . Oh look - the curtains here were pieces of net / fabric draped over the 2 windows - okay then ! The red lounge chair was neat , and kind of funky . The " sofa " was like a large pit - great for relaxing on - if you didn 't pick up that green fuzzy throw / blanket that covered a multitude of stains and use . Yes , that is the only TV in the home too . Be sure you don 't have both of the air conditioners running , along with the TV and the washer or dryer - or you will trip a breaker , then have to try to find it in one of 3 breaker boxes . The A / C in this room tries to cool the entire downstairs - it does keep it comfortable , but the bedroom doors need to be open at night or the cool air does not get to them . There was cable , so we were able to enjoy watching the Olympics together in the evening . Here is the one photo I took of the upstairs master bedroom . The photos on the website do not show that there is a balcony over looking the living room - behind the dresser - which could be a concern for those with small children , or those seeking quiet or privacy from the living room below . Behind our puppy 's crate on the left was a pile of stereo equipment and CDs in a crate just sitting there . The photos of the master bedroom on the website are actually otherwise accurate - with the exception of the balcony and close up details . On Friday afternoon , our last day , the A / C in the master ( one of 2 in the house ) stopped working and started to spit out water and black " stuff " maybe mold ? We were unable to sleep in that room on the last night , as it got extremely hot , and had to put one of the futons from Sohpie 's room on the living room floor where the only other A / C was . I did make a call at 6pm when it was discovered to the # that was left for the care taker of the home - and did not get a call back or visit , I also sent an email to the owner who lives in NYC , who replied to me the next day with " Sorry , I couldn 't reach him either . " Ahh . . . . the " Master Bath " there was a large jacuzzi tub , that also doubled as an open shower - quite unique , showering in the " open " and it was actually the best shower in the house - other than the fact that you had to awkwardly climb over the edge of the tub and on the slippery stair to get in and out . The jets on the tub appeared dark , and I would not want to see what might come out of them if the tub and jets were used . Tiles were cracked all over the floor , the light would go on and off by itself , oh - and check out the splotch of green paint on the wall . . . . . Okay - enough of the inside - let 's move outside . Back downstairs to the sliding door off of the kitchen - it doesn 't lock . I did read a review from Aug 2011 that did say that - but I would have thought a year later this would have been repaired . The owner said they never lock the home , and he even leaves his keys in his unlocked car . - Well - that is him - I am sorry , but if I am in a home , in the woods , in an area I do not know - I want it to be secure , while I am sleeping , and while I go out , and leave my belongings ( camera , jewelry , electronics ) there . We figured a way to put a baseball bat at the bottom of the door channel to make it secure , and be able to sleep at night . It may be their preference , but it should not be forced on the renters . While it rained the first day , the rest of the week was sunny , and we were able to enjoy the deck with our morning coffee and our puppy , since we were up with the sun . The grill was also great to make a few dinners on . If you look on the top of the picture - you can see the grapevine covered fenced in pool area . Yes , we were able to relax at the pool - despite the need for it to be drained , scrubbed and repainted . The caretaker did visit it each day and add chemicals , but it really needed more attention - we did find a dead mouse in it one morning - but that can happen anywhere . I just kept saying to myself - " it is cleaner than a lake , and I can see the bottom . " Our puppy learned how to swim , and enjoyed the pool too - and that is one of the reasons we selected the home - so that is a plus . Be sure to bring bug spray or those clip on OFF fans - this place can get pretty buggy ( not the owner 's fault ) but a forewarning would have been nice , as well as maybe cutting the grass while we were there - or sooner before we arrived , as walking though it stirred them up . SO - in the beginning of this post - I spoke about Lessons Learned - and here they are - ( Listed in " TOP TEN " order : ) 10 . Never believe everything you read on the internet !
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I had a strange experience this morning . Last night , I took some cough syrup and a sleep aid . This morning I was very groggy . Walter made breakfast and I ate . After he left for work I tried to read some e - mail and funnies but I was still groggy so I decided to go back to bed . It was 9 : 30 . Sometime later I felt the bed shake as if someone was trying to climb in . I also heard the sound that a pair of Walter 's warm up pants make when he is either putting them on or off . These pants are made of a sort of slick nylon material . He rarely wears them . I thought Walter had come back from work and was going back to bed . I forced my eyes open and did not see anyone else in the room . I turned over and went back to sleep . I did hear other noises but I was able to identify that as Salvador tapping on a box in the living room . If there are any ghosts , poltergiests or spirits in the house I would be grateful if they would do something useful besides shake the bed . Washing a few dishes would be nice . Maybe vacuum the rug . Dusting the furniture and shelves would be great . Spirits would be good at that because they could get to those hard to reach places because of their noncorporeal form . Last night Walter unearthed an eraser from the couch . It was a Pink Pearl that I had been using for 5 years . I lost it a few months ago and began using another one . The top one is a brand new eraser , the second one is the eraser that I 've been using the past few months and the bottom one is the eraser that I had been using for 5 years . Dime included for scale . The indentation in the middle of the old eraser is from my thumbnail scraping the surface while I was erasing . I walked 2 , 584 steps yesterday . The pedometer is not accurate because it did not count the 2 miles that I ran . I cannot expect too much from an adult Happy Meal toy . When the battery dies on this one , I 'll purchase a real pedometer . I walked 3 , 561 steps . Played Dance Dance Revolution for a good 20 minutes . Walter scored a perfect score on one of the songs and unlocked another song . I got a lot accomplished today . I drew two single panel cartoons ; finished inking a multi - panel cartoon ; drew 5 pieces of clip art ; scanned , lettered and colored 3 cartoons ; cleaned the kitchen ; changed the sheets ; worked out at the gym ; read a chapter of the Tibetan Book of the Dead ; washed , dried and folded the clothes ; and updated my website . I also read some funnies , e - mail and newsgroup postings . Salvador has been behaving strangely . He 's showing interest in things that he has ignored to 6 months . He 's exploring different nooks and crannys in the house . I think he is trying to find a nest location . He worked his way into one of our bathroom cabinets and got very angry whenever anyone approached . That may be where he decided to put his nest . It is summer where his species is native . Maybe his rythms are hardwired for the Southern Hemisphere . This week I ran 4 . 46 miles and burned 575 calories . I weigh 160 . 7 pounds . A little weight gain from all the chocolate . No big deal . There is one more week in 2005 . I 'll have a final tally of miles ran and calories burned for the year . I like keeping trivial statistics and making charts . I guess that is why I like my pedometer . A perfect toy for the slightly obsessed . 10 glorious days off from work . Yes , I 'm getting paid . I 'll use the time to get ahead on the cartoons , post things on eBay , get some extra exercise and putter around the house . I 'm also going to fill out the foster home application from Woodstock Animal Rescue . I think fostering will be a good thing to do until the right dog comes along . I have a nice big fenced yard and Woodstock has a shortage of suitable foster homes for larger dogs because most of their fosters are college students . I walked 90 steps yesterday . I spent most of the day in bed or on the couch . I did not feel like updating last night so I did it this morning . I 'm feeling much better but I am taking another day off . I have over 300 hours of sick leave , I might as well use it when I am sick . I just put up my last ready to go single panel cartoon and I have one multi - panel cartoon ready to go up tonight . After that I have nothing . I need to get cracking on drawing some cartoons . I might do some dingbat and clip art based toons to get a quick back log . Unfortunately , I 'm not too witty when I have a cold or under the influence of cold relieving drugs . Some would argue that I 'm not too witty even when healthy . Those people are just idiots too stupid to grasp the subtlety of my brilliant wit . Allow the spammers to send their e - mails but they must report , everyday , to a non - spamming citizen to have their head smacked with a cricket bat . Eventually the smart spammers will realize that the daily pain is not worth the money , thus discontinue and the dumb ones will become too brain damaged to send spam . With this law people will think twice about getting into the spam business . I got a cold ! I run , my immune system is temporarily compromised and I get a damn cold . At least I 'm not trying to run with it . I hate running with a cold . It just sucks . In the first half of the race I ran an 11 : 57 mile and in the second half I ran a 14 : 14 mile pace . I started getting slower at mile 16 . Those hills must have taken a greater toll on me than I thought . Anyway my overall average pace was a 13 : 07 mile . I received a call from the animal shelter . They have a parrot available for adoption . A mitered conure named Elmer . He is a very sweet and unusually friendly bird . We assumed that we would be charged the standard adoption fee of $ 70 . The shelter wants 50 % of pet store retail . We cannot afford the $ 150 plus a larger cage for $ 45 . I 'll call the shelter in the morning to let them know that we won 't be taking Elmer . This allow them to call the next person on the breed waiting list . I 'm sure Elmer will find a good home . I 'm glad he was not a Cockatoo or a Macaw at 50 % retail that would have been some real sticker shock . Maybe another parrot will become available after our economic fortunes have improved . I walked 1 , 829 steps . I ran over 6 miles . I got a blister where my big toe joins the rest of my foot . First blister since I started training for this marathon . I 'm thinking about doing something about the ever increasing amount of gray hair on my head . I checked out the hair care section in the store and the selection was quite overwhelming . So I consulted people on a newsgroup that I frequent . So far people are suggesting that I go professional rather than a bottle . I 've had it done professionally twice with good results . The problem is that I don 't go to the salon very often and I like to keep my trips to the salon at a minimum . The salon is not a particularly negative place , it 's just someplace I have to go every once in a while . Sort of like the DMV . I just try to tolerate the situation and be nice to the people that work there . It takes me two weeks to actually get a haircut after I 've decided that I need a haircut . My hair is very unruly looking right now . It gets in my eyes and serves as a conduit for sweat when I run . Sweat in the eyes - what a great feeling . The spammers address me by yet another name : Jean - Luc . I 'm a big Star Trek : The Next Generation fan but how do the spammers know this ? I 'm a geek not French . For the first time in 13 years , there is not a dog in my life . Right now , I 'm not ready for another dog . When the time is right , the right dog will come along . The update schedule is going to be a bit sporadic in December . Radio MASH is next weekend . That is when it starts to feel like the holidays for me . Radio MASH is a local 100 hour toy drive . My friends from the U . S . S . Intangible have worked with this event since 1992 . I 'm taking that Friday off from work . I have a short 8 mile run on Saturday . The rest of the weekend will be dedicated to Radio MASH . MASH in this case stands for Make A Smile Happen . After a few meals and late nights in the army tents it begins to stand for Make A Smell Happen . During the 4 days of Radio MASH we experience the full range of weather that central Texas has to offer . Hopefully , rain will not be part of the experience . Actually , weather is not an adequate term to describe the conditions at Radio MASH . I have the afternoon off . I 'll run 6 miles this afternoon in preparation for the overeating tomorrow . Actually , I might try a bit of moderation . At least rest between courses . I 'm going to burn it all off on Saturday during my 16 mile run . I 'm looking forward to Thanksgiving . Fried turkey , pumpkin pie , sweet potatoes , broccoli / rice casserole , and football . I also look forward to spending some time with my family . 3 . All my basic needs : food , clothing , shelter , more than adequately met . I pray that everyone in the world could be blessed just as much . 11 . People willing to love and embrace me in all my glorious imperfection . People that see the good in me when I cannot or will not . People willing to forgive hurt , intentional or not , I 've caused . Okay , maybe there is a particular order . At least the order that these things came to mind but this list is not intended as a ranking . Feel free to judge my priorities and spiritual condition based on the order that these things came to mind . If it keeps you off the street and out of trouble then I can live with the judgment . If you will be on the road tomorrow , slow down , be a bit more patient and we will all make it to our destination . I think our families would rather see us arrive late rather than not at all . Don 't make a police officer deliver sad news on Thanksgiving . Just pull your head out of your ass and pay attention to the road and for once think about other people . There are people that have to work on Thanksgiving , don 't make their job more difficult by being a stupid asshole . Try for 24 hours not to be a stupid asshole . If you succeed , you might try longer stretches . It could change your life and improve the world . Perhaps we could designate Thanksgiving , not only as a day of thanksgiving and gluttony but also as a day of not being a stupid asshole . Sort of like the Great American Smoke Out , except for stupid asshole behavior . Maybe the Friday after Thanksgiving would be a more appropriate day . The Great American Stop Being a Stupid Asshole Day . I like it . I did not do an update last night . I got home a bit late from my mother - in - law 's house . She hosted a pre - Thanksgiving dinner . The food was good . The visit was enjoyable and I hope I was not too much of an ass . I went to the Bonfire Memorial Dedication Ceremony . It was a nice ceremony . Rick Perry , the Governor spoke . I 'll have to check out the memorial sometime . It was a beautiful day . The clouds cleared out by the time the ceremony started . I hope the 12 families that lost their sons and daughters were able to take a measure of comfort in the memorial and the outpouring of support from the Aggie family . It has been five years since the accident . A stupid , stupid accident . What the hell were we doing anyway ? We suddenly awoke and saw the absurdity of this tradition . It took the loss of 12 young people to wake us up . I enjoyed participating in the tradition but was hard pressed to explain it to an outsider . The whole thing seemed so ridiculous when trying to use words to describe it . After the accident , it became more difficult . Our governor expressed hope that the bonfire tradition would come back to the Texas A & M campus . It is never coming back . The deaths made sure of that . A bonfire may burn on campus but it won 't be the same . That tradition died with those 12 people . I say let it stay dead . I don 't want to see it come back as a bastardized shadow of its former self . A shell of a tradition without the spirit . The note from the mystery promotional notepad from two or three entries down is from LaQuinta . The name of the hotel chain was printed on the side of the notepad . The whole pad has a diagonal cut which displays the name of the hotel . The promotional item was designed as a whole and a single part cannot promote LaQuinta . Once a sheet is removed from the pad the La Quinta name is no longer visible . As sheets are removed the name will disappear . This is a very ineffective marketing gimmick . I know I 'm talking about LaQuinta and thus promoting the hotel chain but I 'm only able to do that because the whole notepad was easily available to me . Yes , the note piqued my curiosity and now LaQuinta has embedded itself on to one of my neurons . If I receive another note from the same pad I now know that it is from LaQuinta . What if the note was from a passing contact rather than someone that I contact daily ? What if I could not satisfy my curiosity ? The hunger for information would have eaten a tiny hole in my brain and tiny holes have a way of becoming larger over a lifetime . The tiny holes get together and eventually your brain just disappears . The barrage of ineffective and stupid marketing one receives over a lifetime is the real cause of Alzheimer 's . Dilbert is right . Marketing is the root of all evil . I eat , sleep , work , run , draw and maintain my website . That is my life . Walter just read that over my shoulder and said , " Poor you , it sucks to be you . " I am blessed . I took a half day off from work to purchase Walter 's favorite meal and to clean up the house . Walter went to a friend 's house to fix her computer . I had the friend call me when he left so that I can get the last minute things together . Walter was surprised that I was home . He was even more surprised by the dinner and what I was wearing when I greeted him at the door . It was a black dress that he had not seen me wear in about 3 years . I hadn 't worn the dress in about 3 years . It fits a bit loosely around the shoulders . I was surprised that I was able to find the shoes . I managed to wear the shoes without injuring myself . They are not the most comfortable shoes but I was not going to stand in , walk in or wear them for very long . No , I did not update last night . A new cartoon will go up tonight . I know that you are upset but think of Walter . He is very happy . If the fact that I did not update last night really bothers you , please consider going to a church , temple , synagogue , mosque or other community that will help you find truth and meaning in a responsible way . A Perfect World might make you laugh or groan but anything deeper than that requires something greater than I could possibly offer . An Unitarian - Universalist church is a good place to start . Try it . It will make my cartoons seem a bit funnier without the expense and health problems associated with booze . Walter is still playing Halo 2 . He did make it to bed at 11 : 30 last night . I don 't know how late he is going to stay up tonight . At church yesterday , I asked if one through their actions could lose their inherent worth and dignity . The minister said no . Acts are seperate from individuals . I disagree . I think someone could commit an act so evil that it causes them to lose their worth and dignity . The caveat , no human is qualified to make the determination . We are qualified to judge the acts and prevent them from happening and we even pass judgement on the person committing the acts but only God is qualified to determine if that person has lost their worth . Loss also implies redemption . This week I ran 39 . 65 miles , burned 4 . 494 . 9 calories and weigh 162 . 4 pounds . So far this year I have ran 738 miles . Almost to El Paso , Texas . I ran the 19 mile training run in 4 hours and 12 minutes . At 2 hours and 45 minutes I ran over 13 . 1 miles . That pace puts me on track for a 5 hour 30 minute marathon . Went to see The Incredibles . Great movie . After the movie went to Chuck E . Cheese . We were with friends with small children . The sandwich I had was good but the pizza was not . One of the safety features at Chuck E . Cheese is stamping each member of the family with the same number to prevent people from leaving with the wrong kids . I guess that eliminates Chuck E . Cheese as a location to get a kid upgrade . The personnel at Chuck E . Cheese did not check or note the number of kids one comes in with or whether or not you have them . Walter and I were able to leave without being questioned . The Chuck E . Cheese actually had a rope that prevented people from just leaving . There is more security at Chuck E . Cheese than at our nation 's airports and ship ports . I walked 3 , 956 steps . I 'm feeling confident about this Saturday 's run . I believe I can do it in 4 hours or less . I walked 1 , 867 steps yesterday . I had a great run last night . I ran 9 miles in just under 1 hour and 45 minutes . I was able to sustain a bit of a faster pace than usual . I 'll try that pace for the 19 mile run on Saturday . It is amazing the difference that the temperature can make . The run last night did lift my spirits . Today , it is cool and sunny . I like cool and sunny . I love the glorious colors of the sky and trees . The U . S . flag that flys within view of my office looks magestic against the backdrop of the glorious clear blue sky . This whole election thing will make the nation stronger and better . Maybe we 'll get a viable Democratic party out of this or a more socially just third party that can appeal to people 's moral values and their pocketbook . That would take a radical change in discourse and thought . The worst thing the Dems could do is to simply dismiss the people in the heartland as a bunch of idiots not worth trying to persuade . I need to get the archives up to date . I 've only changed the front cartoon because of busy evenings . It looks like this evening will be a bit more relaxing . I wrote 2 good gags and 1 viable gag yesterday . I 'll get back to drawing single panels on after Thanksgiving . I may have to go back sooner if the backlog runs out . I voted . I 'm happy with the outcome of the congressional race . I 'm not too personally invested in the outcome of the presidential election . I voted for Kerry but if Bush wins fairly , I won 't be too upset . I disagree with Bush policies but I was never a Bush hater . I can still work on the issues that are important to me . I 'm stealing myself for the wailing and gnashing of teeth . I suppose I could look upon it with some amusement . The republic will not collapse . I 'm taking a brief break from drawing single panel cartoons to work on gags . I have a sufficient backlog so there will not be an interruption in the schedule . Lately , the gags have been very lame . I think I could write better ones without the pressure of producing a cartoon every day . At the pace I 've been running lately , I 'm on track for a less than 6 hour marathon . The next group training run is 19 miles . I had a bit of a break this past Saturday at 14 miles . Maybe the temperatures will be cool this Saturday . There are rumors that the temperature is going to drop on Tuesday . Arlene Wohlgemuth is a tree killer . I would use her flyers to line Salvador 's cage but I think her face would scare the feathers off of him . Besides , his poop is too good for her . I 'm having a difficult time with Half Moon Pose . Even against a wall I cannot make it happen . My back leg just does not want to leave the ground . I went to the office Halloween luncheon and I had a pretty good time . I did an artistic three dimensional place mat featuring an owl and full moon . It took about 35 minutes . I scanned some original art and Walter is going to put them in the eBay store . The proceeds from the sales will help pay for my marathon expenses . I 've raised $ 2 . 00 so far . Oh boy ! I 'm tired of this campaign sh * t . Especially , the whiny * ss drivel from the left . I tend to lean toward the left politically but I don 't get involved with local " progressive " politics because every time I 've attended a " progressive " function every speaker has come across as a whiner . Whining about the conservative atmosphere , whining about the Republicans , whining about how they feel so isolated , whining about the lack of engagement from the downtrodden they are trying to help , whining , whining , whining . Nobody wants to be involved with a whiner and certainly not with a bunch of whiners . Just drink a nice bottle of STFU and get up and do something . Or just sit there and drink your STFU . Just STFU . At least the downtrodden could get a moments peace . I just received an e - mail listing the military service of select Democrats and Republicans . It was disgusting . One could compile a list that favored either party by ignoring ones from the other party that did serve . Overall , the numbers of people that served in the military from both parties are probably about equal . Since the weather was so nasty outside , members of the marathon training group ran indoors . For people training for the Dallas Marathon the distance was 17 miles . Running 17 miles on a treadmill sucks . I did it anyway because I 'm insane . Next week we get a break . The distance is 13 miles . Plan on visiting a haunted house tonight if the price of admission is reasonable . I 'm not really into these things . I like the candy at Halloween . I 'm not giving candy out to children that do not bother to dress up . I know a lot of these kids are from " the projects " and their parents can 't afford fancy costumes but I 'm not asking for much . An old sheet , maybe some flour thrown on the face , torn up clothes , whatever . I 'll reward any effort . At work , I was given an orange piece of foam to decorate for Halloween . There will be a contest and since I 'm an ARTIST , everyone expects me to have the best mat . They all assume that they do not have a chance against the ARTIST . The ARTIST has not started on her mat . Maybe I 'll do something in the style of Jackson Pollock . If they want art , I 'll give them art . I get a bit uncomfortable when I 'm referred to as an artist . I don 't think of myself as one . I draw cartoons and clip art but that does not pay the bills . I think of it as a hobby gone mad . A few paid opportunities have come my way . I need to respond to them . I feel uncomfortable naming a price . The e - mails sit and time passes while I 'm not paying attention . I need to sell some original cartoon art to pay for my Dallas Marathon entry . There is plenty of time during the day but lately I 've had trouble " using my time wisely " . Haven 't used that phrase since high school . I never got high marks in school in the " Uses time wisely " and " Accepts constructive criticism " categories . Always received " N " for Needs Improvement . I preferred to read and draw instead of doing math problems . I guess that counted as an unwise use of time . There were other things I would rather do than the activities designated for a certain time . I walked 1 , 381 steps . I also ran 8 miles in 1 hour and 48 minutes . Since I am a pint low and the heat index is 100 freaking degrees in October , I ran slower . I walked for 10 minutes just after the 4 and 1 / 2 mile mark . I took a " mental health " day off . I hit the snooze four times as usual but after the last hit , I sat up and then fell over . I was too tired to go to work and my work is not that vital . Besides , I have some comp time about to expire . I drew , did laundry , vacuumed the rug , rode a bike , gave blood , watched Star Trek , played computer games and updated my website . Hoo boy ! I live life on the edge . Oh yeah , I got some sleep . Why do I feel compelled to chronicle my life in a blog ? You think reading about this is boring , you should try living it some time . I do this to keep my writing skills from deteriorating and I 'm told that there is some therapeutic value to all this . It kind of makes me depressed . I should do something about it but I 'm quite comfortable . I also read that this activity decreases the risk of Alzheimer 's disease and just becoming mentally rusty . How can I enjoy old lady privileges if I 'm senile ? I look forward to verbalizing my thoughts without giving a damn about social conventions and without fear of physical retaliation . I haven 't written any jokes or gags in two weeks and it is has been difficult thinking up something funny to draw on the spot . In a couple of weeks my cartoons are going to suck more so than usual . I have some time set aside for writing gags but lately I 've not taken advantage of it . I 've been tired or something interesting is on TV . I 'm sure there will be a pill for general malaise some day . Not that my health insurance plan would cover it . Found out about a nice $ 100 once a year charge that went into effect on September 1 . Walter gets to pay $ 125 for his migraine medicine instead of $ 25 . I should really read the fine print during annual enrollment . Scary thing is that we are the lucky ones with relatively low costs on prescriptions . I can see why old people go to Mexico or Canada , don 't take the full doses or other steps . We are going to turn to crime if prescriptions become unaffordable for us . I 'm think with a little remodeling the bathroom off the master bedroom would make an excellent meth lab . It would be the most tastefully decorated meth lab in the county . Trading meth labs - I think there is a cartoon gag in this . I walked 2 , 645 steps . I won an instant prize in the McDonald 's Monopoly game . My meeting went well . I did not take the afternoon off because I got better . I 'm going to bed . Enjoy the squirrel cartoon . I went to bed at a decent hour last night . Walter made breakfast this morning . I don 't know why I feel so tired . I need a vacation . I watched the final presidential debate . Senator Kerry lost me on Social Security . Of course , if the country is in the toilet , Social Security won 't matter . This week I ran 29 . 16 miles , burned 3 , 404 calories and weigh 162 . 5 pounds . That is the least I 've weighed without being sick . Four pounds in a week does worry me a bit . I 'll have to keep an eye on things . I hope I 'm not getting sick . I could use the time off , though . I love being a Unitarian - Universalist . The UUA considers a young adult to be 19 - 35 years old . I wonder what happens when I turn 36 . I 'm working on the second culling of the cartoons . Walter has looked at the ones from the first cull and has chosen the better ones from that group . I have not looked at the results yet . This should be interesting . I went to a meeting last night and did not have time to write an entry in the blog . I could have written one instead of playing Bejeweled for an hour but I just was not into writing . I did a minimal web site update . Salvador was well behaved at church . He chirped through most of the service . He did keep quiet during the quiet parts of the service . He did not like the clapping too much . Most of the dogs were curious about the noise he was making . The goofy spam names are at home . I have quite a long list . Hopefully , there won 't be any problems with Blogger when I get home . I would like to clear out my deleted items folder . I got the order of service copied for church tomorrow . Animals are going to be blessed . We are bringing Salvador but I 'm still undecided about Daisy . She could certainly use some blessing . She could also use a bath and toenail clipping . Actually , today is the scheduled dog washing day . Unfortunately , the weather outside is a bit nasty . It looks like it is tub time . Oh joy . Sal serenades the toaster . We have to keep a towel on top of the toaster because Sal will roost there . We keep the toaster unplugged when not in use for Sal 's safety . I watched the debate last night . John Kerry won , in my opinion . He was more articulate and got his points across . That just means he is better at debate than George Bush . The president had some pauses and stammers but that does not mean he is stupid as some on the left would paint him . He is not as good as John Kerry in that kind of event . If Kerry and Bush participated in a foot race , Bush would win ; he is the better runner . If it was a bicycle race , Kerry would win ; Kerry is the better cyclist . There was one long pause that got the attention of the John Stewart of the Daily Show . It was a long pause that did not enhance Bush 's perceived intelligence . A lot of people are not used to seeing someone pause , think then speak . I think it scares them . I disagree with a number of Bush 's policies and I think he is wrong about some things but I do not think he is stupid or evil . Actually , his cabinet and advisors concern me more . His style of public speaking has some similarities to my own . I would probably stammer and pause just as much if not more . The funny thing is that the President possesses many strengths that would make him a great asset in an Unitarian - Universalist congregation or even as a minister in just about any religion . George W . Bush a great asset to our congregation ! ? ! We can learn from George W . Bush and our congregations would benefit from having people like George W . Bush as members . That thought would horrify a lot of UUs and possibly get me excommunicated . The crappy part about the first principle , the word every . F * ck * ng inconvenient . There are those that question ' every ' but that is a UU hallmark . Sometimes I question the ' every ' part of the first principle after listening to a pundit for about two minutes . Especially James Carville . James Carville , proof positive that even hideously ugly people can succeed , marry and even have sex with somewhat attractive people . That is good news for the one daughter that inherited his looks . This brings up the questions , can a person commit acts so horrible that they lose their inherent worth and dignity and who is qualified to judge ? I 'll ramble about that some other time . Back to the topic , George W . Bush possesses some interpersonal skills that would be great on a membership committee or as a greeter . I 've read and heard stories that when Bush is interacting with a person , he is very interested and focused on that person . He does not try to persuade or push an agenda , he listens and then acts if necessary . It is a skill that would make more visitors to our services stay and become members . To be fair , Bill Clinton also possesses similar people skills . People skills are yet another set of skills needed to run the country . How important , is up to debate . I think that John Kerry has a greater balance of skills necessary to run the country . He may be be a * ssh * le ( pure speculation - I have no evidence to support that assertion . I 'm just trying to make a point about skill sets ) in the personal skills department but I think he has other strengths that are more important in running a country . Besides , he has John Edwards to shore up those weaknesses . I 'm more interested in removing Bush 's cabinet and advisors , especially John Ashcroft . If John Kerry makes the situation in Iraq or in the world worse , I will fully expect the members of my congregation to protest just as loudly as they do against George W . Bush . I will call them on it and if they pull " but this is different , he 's a Democrat " sh * t , I 'll . . . honestly , I don 't know what I would do . I 've got too much invested in my church to resign over something as stupid as politics and the UU religious movement is too important to be impacted by political winds . Too many people need what we have to offer . No , it is not a refuge from the ' oppressive conservative atmosphere ' of the greater community . God , I 'm tired of hearing that sh * t . It is something more important , deeper and personal than that . I 'm still compiling my first list of panels to send to United Media . The folks at rec . arts . comicstrips were helpful in directing me to some names to address my cover . It is better to address names rather than titles . I just finished reading a report and right now I feel a little underappreciated . I feel underappreciated for myself and Walter . Of course , a lot has happened since the information for that report was compiled . All things are fleeting , including these feelings . I completed my 11 mile run in 2 hours and 13 minutes . Compared to my 10 mile run last week which was finished in 2 hours and 8 minutes . Amazing what a difference the weather can make . I put together the order of service for church . This week we are doing the monthly global chalice lighting , a chalice lighting reading from Unitarian - Universalist churches around the world . This one is from India and it is long . I 'm not sure how the congregation is going to react to this one . I won 't be there to find out . I 'll be on my way to Houston . I drafted a cover letter for a syndicate . I 'm going through my archives and listing cartoons suitable for newspaper publication . I have over 50 so far . That group will be culled to 18 - 24 that will be sent to the syndicate for consideration . It looks like we will be affected by the remnants of Ivan this weekend . This week 's long run might be indoors . The temperatures are supposed to drop . I 've finished a draft of my resume . I 'm going to post it and let other critique it . I also checked out the submission requirements for United Media . I think I have 18 - 24 comics suitable for submission . I 've drawn several hundred . Now is the time for militias and other home grown , non - Muslim nuts to attack . Homeland Security won 't expect it . They are keeping the homeland safe from pop stars that have converted to Islam . I walked 6 , 109 steps . I went to the student recreation center to get a map of the walking and running trails on campus . There was only one copy . I took it and made more copies . I had to make phone calls to find out where the maps were located . The person at the other end had to call me back with that information . Somebody in Rec Sports could scan the map and make a PDF file available for download and printing from their web site . I guess that would defeat the purpose of getting people to walk . Who is telling the morning DJs that they are funny ? Who is listening to this crap ? Where can I find these people and smack some sense into them ? Another radio station has hired another comedian wanna - be for its morning show . This one is not nearly as bad as the others . At least he plays a substantial amount of music between the " comedy " . The radio station makes him play music . If left to his own devices he would just do his " comedy " . If I wanted to hear talking , I would listen to NPR or Rush Limbaugh . Rush Limbaugh plays more music than some of the morning shows . Rush is funnier than most morning show DJs . I 've been in the contemplation stage of change regarding my job . My job is good but it is not something I want to do forever . I feel like I 'm in a rut . I am working on my resume . It is a small step toward action that will lead to change . It is less intimidating to do this in small steps . I 'm whoring now . They will begin appearing on my other pages . Not all of them , just ones that have the two column table layout . I 'm going to have fun tweaking the ads , placing random words in this blog to see if the box picks up on it . If anything of interest to you shows up in the XXXXX Ad , XXXXX and I will get a bit of pocket change . It will keep me off the street and they are better than pop - ups . I provide funny cartoons , clip art and other funny stuff for free without asking intrusive questions , annoying pop - ups and registration requirements . I do this because I love drawing and writing funny stuff . I would love to draw and write funny stuff for a living . The revenue might bring me closer to that dream or at least help pay off MasterCard . MasterCard , what an appropriate name . Goofy spam names and Zen Koans of the day : Will I look like in my 20s if I wear that funny cloth again ? Onyx L . GlassInertial G . AyeIncapacitates E . GlycerineToday we will prevail , said LouieKwakiutl I . CatastropheGlimpsing M . ManhuntBalls ! This week I ran 23 . 28 miles , burned 2 , 731 . 6 calories and weigh 167 . 2 pounds . I 've reached a weight plataeu . I don 't mind . A plataeu is better than an increase . I 'm probably putting on some muscle . Saw Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow . Good movie . Nice visuals . Angelina Jolie is not in it as much as the ads lead you to believe . Sir Laurence Olivier is in it . Yes , the dead actor . There are several scenes that are straight out of the Fliescher Superman cartoons of the 1930 's . 11 different special effects companies were involved in this movie . Jude Law is hot . Who knew that the British Isles was still producing beautiful people ? I walked 7 , 575 steps . I was able to do the Dancer Pose in Yoga class . Half - moon still eludes me . My back leg refuses to leave the floor . My Crocodile Pose also needs a lot of work . I just don 't have the upper body strength , yet . Walter went to a Jesus Seminar and learned a lot . There were a bunch of people from outside of our church in attendence . Athiets to Zoastrians . This is either a weekly or bi - weekly class . I walked 2 , 649 steps . The pedometer was being a bit fussy today . I 'm sure I walked more . What can I expect from a happy meal toy ? Salvador was being broody with my computer mouse . It sort of reminds of an egg and he gets very angry when I try to touch it . He gave up protecting his egg after he figured that I was not going to let go of the mouse . He did get in several good nips before departing for my shoulder . He 's demanding head scratches now . I tried to do an overhead press with a full sized barbell . I could not get the thing off the rack safely . I switched to a machine that uses the same motions . I was able to bench press a 40 pound barbell for 20 reps . Someday I might be able to bench half my weight ( about 85 pounds ) . I walked 3 , 934 steps . I did a fair amount of walking between my office and my damn classroom . The equipment is doing goofy things again . People are starting to avoid using my classroom for tele - conferencing . This is not good . I 'm moving a little ahead on the weekly multi - panel cartoon . The characters ' looks will change as I get a handle on them and decide how I want them to look . Maybe my drawing will improve . I taught my first Sunday school class . It went well . Most of the success should be credited to my co - teacher . She was very good at directing the kids in discussion . I 'm looking forward to next week . The kids were given a homework assignment , that I did not know about , beforehand . They were to come up with names to describe themselves . I call myself " She who runs like a tortoise " . It will probably be shortened to " Runs like Tortoise " . Slow and steady and finish the race . The curriculum is a native American thing . Respect the earth and all living beings , just like the native Americans . We won 't mention that they were not vegetarians . The native Americans are just as human as other people groups ; compassionate , generous , brutal and greedy but we won 't mention that . We will just focus on their reverence for the earth and all its creatures living and non - living . There is a large industry devoted to connecting white people to native American traditions . Become one with nature , connect with the spirit , find your inner animal , simplify . It is the " noble savage " of James Fenimore Cooper and other 19th century romantics but only on a larger , more commercial scale . Mark Twain would have had a field day with the CDs , dream catchers , books , and other merchandise . At least Cooper confined his romantic notions to fiction . I wonder what Mark Twain would make of the new age spirituality that is growing in American society of the 21st century ? The kids are too young to understand the absurdity of this curriculum . For them it is just fun and a cool way to look at things through other eyes . I will try my best to enjoy it in the same light . Maybe as they grow , they will be able to integrate it with their own white , American , middle class upbringing and be able to appreciate both without being forced to feel guilty about being white , middle class Americans . One should feel guilty for wrongs that one has done and try to atone for them but how do you atone for fair skin and fortunate circumstances ? All you can do is give something back . But wouldn 't it be better to do it out of gratitude instead of guilt ? I 'm tired of this notion in Unitarian - Universalist circles that only Native Americans can truly appreciate the earth and that white people are not capable of reverence for the earth without invoking the traditions of native peoples . Maybe this notion exists to help atone for the sins of our ancestors . I will atone for my own sins and while I respect and enjoy learning about native American traditions , I don 't @ # $ % ! need their traditions to tell me to respect the earth . Respect for the earth is part of the traditions I grew up with . My traditions do not anthromorphize every aspect of the earth but I can damn well appreciate its beauty , bounty , treat it with respect , try to minimize my impact and encourage others to do the same without going around thinking that a spirit is in every single damn rock , pebble and grain of sand . Nobody ever talks about the spirit that inhabits shit . Shit is part of nature . Everything in nature has a spirit inside it , according to the native American traditions as appropriated and perverted by guilt - stricken , new age , white people . Yet , the great shit spirit is never prayed to , there are no CDs filled with songs of the great shit spirit , shit totems , dolls nor other merchandise . Jack shit for shit . Come on , shit fueled the fires that the native Americans danced around , told stories by and warmed themselves as they pondered the mysteries of the universe . The fire spirit has songs sung about it and the fire spirit is prayed to but nothing for the shit that fueled the fire . Perhaps , the native Americans had a sense of perspective about these things . Maybe all of nature does not need to be worshiped in order to appreciate nature in general . No , I won 't inflict any of this on the kids . I 'll enjoy building the shields with them , listening to their stories as they search for their own truth and meaning , learning from them and hopefully making a small positive difference in their lives . There will be plenty of time for guilt to be thrust upon them . It looks like our adoption of a Quaker parrot and / or a Cockatoo will not happen . The lady wants to keep them together so - they are going to another home . I guess if it does not work out then we are next in line . Right now , one bird is proving to be a handful . I have to keep Salvador off the back of my monitor to prevent him from chewing printer and monitor cords . He is walking around my mouse and + keyboard chewing on my mousepad and a small white board I keep at my desk . That is why there are random letters and symbols appearing in this post . I used to write small notes on the white board but since Sal has chewed up most of the writing surface I have it as a chewing surface and perch for Sal . It keeps the bird poo off the keyboard . Received this picture from my dad . An alligator bringing home lunch . Visit snopes . com to find the true origin of this picture ( the picture is real but the story being circulated is not true ) I walked 4 , 239 steps . I also ran over 5 miles . The ante has been upped on my medium run . I 'm going to run again tomorrow and do weights and yoga on Friday . I 'd rather do a medium run and a short run on back to back days rather than short run then long run . Daisy enjoyed some Taco Bell and TV time with me . She did what she does best , lay around . At her size when she lays around the house , she really lays around the house . Actually , she is trimming up a bit . A digital video camera was stolen from my locked office over the weekend . They did not take the regular digital camera . A projector that was bolted to the ceiling of one of the classrooms was also stolen . We went swimming with the Sunday school kids yesterday . It was a lot of fun . The slides were fun and I used some seldom used muscles trying to cross on a floating bridge . If you weigh more than 50 pounds it was quite impossible to cross without falling off . I was concerned about a ' wardrobe malfunction ' occurring while I was sliding and splashing around . I was shaped quite differently when I bought my swimsuit two years ago . It had loosened at the top quite a bit . The shoulder straps rubbed the sunscreen off part of my shoulders and I got quite a burn . Blistered but not painful . That is unusual . Today we visited a couple of birds that we might be adopting . They seemed like very nice and sweet birds . The Cockatoo is going to someone else on a trial basis but if that does not work out then we are next in line . It looks like we have a shot at the Quaker parrot . The Quaker is very attached to its current human so it will take a lot of patience . The lady 's husband is having a liver transplant and will not be allowed to live with birds . She is quite upset about the whole thing wants to be sure that her birds end up in a nice home . We hope that we can adopt both the birds . I ran 7 miles in less than a hour and a half . My goal time was 1 - 1 / 2 hours . During the last quarter mile my right hamstring was trying to knot up . It still is quite sore . I 've been stretching it . Maybe tonight , I can get a massage . Yes , my life is as boring as this blog . All in all , I like it that way . People with boring lives are the only ones that have time to blog . I walked 9 , 551 steps . More going back and forth between my office and the copier . I finished the big copy job . Hooray ! The rest of the week should be a lot less hectic . I walked 9 , 744 steps . I spent a lot of time going back and forth between the copier and my office . I will be burning up the copier some more tomorrow . It was the first day of classes . It was not too hectic . Only a computer completely choking right before a class . The class was held in a different classroom across campus and the IT people are going to look at the computer . This lead to me putting in some overtime . I get comp time rather than money . I might get more next Monday , assuming that the computer is fixed and we can actually use the AV equipment in the classroom . I dreamt last night about Rusty . He was laying on the floor looking at me and I was rubbing his belly and chest . His eyes were bright and he was in the peak of health . Maybe the story about our purpose in life is learning to love unconditionally and that the reason that our pet 's lives are so short compared to ours is because they are born knowing how to love unconditionally has a bit of truth to it . The start of class onslaught was not as bad as I thought it would be . I still have a large copy job ahead of me on Monday . I did not get the originals today . It is a well publicized fact that the first day of classes at the university is August 30 . This information has been available for quite some time . Also the list of classes that faculty members are going to teach has been available for quite some time . No , I 'm not working over the weekend . My giving a damn hours are Monday - Friday 8 : 00 am - 12 : 00 pm ; 1 : 00 pm - 5 : 00 pm . At 5 : 01 pm I no longer care or at least receive comp time for any giving a damn after hours . The Dallas Marathon has updated its website . It looks like it is going to be a great race . The course time limit is 7 . 5 hours . I finished Houston in 6 : 08 hours . There is also a Clydesdale / Athena class ( men 200 + pounds - women 160 + pounds ) . Looking at last year 's results in that class I could place quite well . Walter and I ate dinner at the table with the TV off . It was nice . It will require a bit of discipline for both of to do this on a regular basis . The hardest part will be to keep the table clear when we are not eating . A clear horizontal surface is a rare thing in our house . A thunderstorm blew in suddenly . It was clear sky at 3 : 00 then at 3 : 40 thunder and lightning . I let Daisy in . She can alter the aroma of a room but she is a sweet girl . She was limping the other day , so I gave her some of Rusty 's left over anti - immflamatory medication . It looks like it worked . Tomorrow I do a real training long run with the marathon training group . My knee has stopped hurting . I was able to run this past week . This will be a 5 mile run . My mother - in - law left this morning . She almost knocked the door to our bedroom down when she was trying to wake up Walter . He was awake by the second knock . So was I . He kindly informed that in the future a couple of gentle knocks on the door would be sufficient . I have a Pavlovian bladder . I wake up , I need to pee . I went at 4 : 00 am and again at 6 : 30 when I woke up the second time . I don 't know where the fluid from the 6 : 30 piss came from . I did not drink anything after 4 : 00 . It is just something hard wired - wake up - pee . My mother - in - law is here . She is having her sister give her a wake - up call at 5 : 00 AM Eastern time . We live in the Central Time Zone . Luckily , we cannot hear the phone when the bedroom door is closed . Actually , I sleep quite heavily . I probably won 't hear her leave at all . I hope she has a great time with her sisters in Biloxi . I discovered a huge plot hole in Minority Report . The last 30 minutes of the movie would have been impossible if the hole had been closed . Let 's just say that Precrime has very poor security protocols or lazy IT people . One of the local radio stations has been advertising , on the radio , " A new look but the same mix . " One brain cell dies screaming in agony everytime I try to make sense of the ad . Why not just say , " We got new logos for our vans and stationery but we are still playing the same mix . " It would make a bit more sense . I admit it . I 'm a procrastinator . I 've been meaning to work on that . I was successful in school simply because I put tasks on a daily to do list . I did not put this article on the to do list . I don 't pay attention to the to do list as much . At least I don 't inflict major guilt upon myself if I don 't finish everything . There is not as much at stake with an incomplete to do list as there was in the past .
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Chronicles of Nani Bulletin Board Welcome to my cyber neighborhood coffee shop ! Grab a mug of your favorite beverage and a cozy chair to read and comment a bit . Be sure to try a piece of black forest cake or the tiramisu . Try both ; cyber - cake is calorie free ! Contact Nani at chroniclesofnani @ gmail . com . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Christmas Scrapbook FreebiesIf you were visiting from Worldwide Christmas Scrapbooking Freebies , follow the hyperlinks for Digitalegacies Designs ' mini kit Christmas Cocoa and the add - on Christmas Cocoa Flowers . I decided Saturday morning that I need to do some Smashing ! I picked up and dropped the large envelope with my baseball ticket stubs in it , all of them since 1992 . I counted them , 181 ticket stubs showered onto the floor now completely out of the OCD chronological order I had them in . Of course I know how many there were in that envelope because I 've put them back in chronological order . Oh , I don 't really have OCD , just some obsessive order tendencies . Disorganization makes me crazy , but not certifiable , not yet anyway . So Smashing , with a capital S is as in Smash Journal . I saw a video for Smash Journals last year and was intrigued . I mean , really they are very old school scrapbooks . Someplace to keep clippings , notes , ephemera ; like baseball ticket stubs . Here 's the demo video I saw : I love this ! I wanted to buy one the first time I saw the video , but I wasn 't in the financial position to do it and just sort of let the thought go . But in re - sorting all the ticket stubs I realized that I remember every one of those games . Maybe I don 't remember who won , the score or even a play from the game , although for a lot of them I do , but the ticket makes me remember who was there with me , a detail from the day . The first game I saw in 2000 was in Cincinnati in April . John and I went and it was definitely a hot chocolate game . The ticket stub brought back that memory with a friend that was so close to me . I have little mementos , cartoons , notes and fun clippings in boxes , folders , drawers and I never look at them because they are all over and not organized , A Smash book doesn 't organize per se , but it puts all those things in one place and assembles fairly quick because it 's almost a collage , just fun things in a book . How great to browse without looking all over or forgetting about things that bring back sweet memories and inspire creativity ! I like this for the pockets and semi - flat trinkets . Now , while I really do want a real smash book kit with the stick and flags and tapes and all , right now it 's still beyond my budget . But what I do have is all those tidbits I want to save and paper scrapbook supplies I don 't use anymore because I do my scrapping digital now . I had thought I was going to package it all up and sell or donate , but now I think it will at the very least be my " Archive Smash Book . " I 'll need to gather everything , which will work well with my desire to get things organized here and get things in books instead of all over and prone to spill out all over the floor ! I 'd like to be able to get an actual Smash Book for 2013 , but for now , I 'm going to gather all of my little things and use up the paper scrap leftovers . I 'm kind of excited to have all my special things gathered in one place . You 'll see my candy list in a few minutes , or less if you are a fast reader . I did a scrapbook page yesterday from our time in Canada on one of the days of our vacation last year . Yeah , somehow I 'm falling behind again instead of catching up . Hey , maybe I can do a bucket list after all ! If I put " finish my scrapbooks " on it , I would achieve immortality ! Anyway , I did the page from the day in Canada was the day we made a Shopper 's Drug Mart stop to load up on Canadian chocolate bars . David and I both love Canadian chocolate and a visit to the Sisterland , because the US and Canada are sisters , always includes a candy stop ! Now we haven 't been to Canada in over a year and I 'm craving a Coffee Crisp like mad ! We really need to do something about that . I 'm not dissing American chocolate at all ! Ghirardelli and Hershey are both American and they make some of my favorites too . But Canadian chocolate is different . It 's its own kind of awesome . 2 . Mr . Goodbar , Pretzel M & Ms , Almond M & Ms , Baci , Coffee Crisp , Hershey 's Air and Mint Aero Bars are my favorite candy . Plus some others , but they all have chocolate in common . 3 . If I could have one magical power it would be the power to heal the sick . Yes , I 'd start with myself , but after curing Multiple Sclerosis , I 'd move on to Cancer and every other disease out there . I used to love flying , but when it got to the point where it took longer to fly from Detroit to Chicago than drive because of all the " arrive early " and invasive security that 's almost scarier than any threat I became a bit disenchanted . When I was flying and I had to sit on the floor to remove my shoes to go through security because the limited seating was taken up by business flyers who had to have an extra seat for computer cases while they took off or put on shoes , I realized that airports had become such a hassle that travelers were losing manners or even the awareness of other human beings in the vicinity . It 's that loss of awareness that completely cancels any feeling of safety all the security measures might give . Oh , and airplane , wheelchair , airplane bathroom … I can 't help but think it will be an uncomfortable trip if I ever fly across country or to Europe again . I may need some extra absorbent Depends ! I prefer to dri … have someone drive , because it puts us in control rather than at someone 's mercy . And I can usually even talk David into a pit stop now and then ! ; ) 2 . If you could live anywhere in the world , where would you go and why ? Toledo , Ohio with a winter home in Las Vegas . I really do like the city I 'm in now , just not the winter . So I 'd go play when it 's cold . GROWN women should where whatever they feel comfortable wearing . I wear leggings in the summer and in winter under my jeans … which are also leggings . It 's what 's comfortable and easy for me . If you 're offended by how I look , I 'm not trying to impress you ; don 't look . If you can 't help but look , I 'm sorry I 'm so captivating ; resist or get some help . Not my problem . I changed my name when I got married ; maiden name became my middle name and David 's last name became my last name . I didn 't hyphenate ; I kept my identity and my married identity as two separate parts of who I am . I also wasn 't crazy about my middle name . Of course , my middle name was the name I was baptized as , so the Catholic Church has an APB out for me ! hehe I brought my laptop and I was really thinking I 'd blog a little last week , but traveling has a way of wearing me out by the end of the day after an early wake - up . David and I have been in Illinois and Missouri for most of the past week for our end of summer vacation . We were originally were going at the end of August , but the weather was looking less than favorable and he was asked if he could change some plans for work and … So we ended up going last week instead . Biggest drawback of the schedule change is that we were traveling after Minor League Baseball season was over , so no baseball , not even one game . Also , we were in Cardinals territory on Saturday when the Reds clinched the Central Division . I 'm going to wear my 2010 Division Champions shirt , but I am NOT buying the 2012 Division Champs shirt . Division Champions was the highest point of the 2010 season . I 'm waiting to buy my World Champions shirt this year ! Unless … … unless , it 's not the Reds . There is only ONE way it won 't be the Reds ; The Tigers are tied for first place in the American League Central Division ! My dream World Series is still possible ! If it 's the Reds and Tigers I can 't lose ! I admit that I lean a little more towards the Reds because well , the designated hitter makes that much difference to me . I 'm a National League fan . But the Tigers are my AL team and the team that brought me the love of baseball when I was just 2 years old dancing in Mom 's arms when they won the 1968 World Series . So really , in that dream World Series the only thing that would burn is if either team sweeps . I 'd love the decision to be whoever wins the 1 - 0 Game 7 . Then I buy the World Champion Shirt and the other League Champion shirt and wear them both proudly ! But I want those shirts ; it 's bad luck to buy a shirt for any step on the way . I buy my shirts for when I 'm ready for it to stop ; and I 'm NOT ready for it to stop yet ! I love kitschy art and water towers and larger than life everyday objects . What 's not to totally Nani - love about that water tower ? Driving back to our hotel after dinner , we got to see it all lit up too ! Totally cool ! 1 . The Wednesday Hodgepodge this week falls on John Chapman 's birth date . He 's more famously known as Johnny Appleseed . . . what 's your favorite variety of apple ? Gala Apple 2 . When did you last say ' ick ' ? ick , icky ; words I use often to describe things I don 't like , so without thinking too hard I can pretty much guarantee I used it today , probably more than once . 3 . Do you think there 's a generation gap ? Explain . I live in a generation gap ! I 'm too young to be cool for the music I like because I 'm the age of a parent of the age group those songs are geared for . That 's true for any current trend for those of us in the age group that parented the current trend - ruling class . I 'll start to be cool for liking current music in about 10 years . Then I 'll be a " cool old lady who ' gets ' us " to the targeted age group . The " generation gap " is created by teens and early 20 - somethings who have reached the age of wanting to establish themselves and their own culture as they enter into the adult world . Culturally , we the " uncools " should step back , be there if we 're needed , but let the new adults define their cultural generation . In a few years we 'll either come back into coolness for enjoying current trends or be respected as the sweet old people listening to 80s music on the " oldies station . " 4 . What 's on your computer screen saver ? Do you leave it alone or change it often ? The screen savers on my laptop and on my phone are both animated bubbles . I 've always loved bubbles ! The screensavers on both devices were set the first day I had them and haven 't changed . Adopt a rescue . People who try to control other people 's lives do because they can 't control their own . Respect and tolerance are the keys to peace ; if you can 't handle it stay home and off the internet so the rest of us can enjoy a better world . It doesn 't matter what you call him or how ; God doesn 't think you 're completely right . The sincere way to be charitable is to give and don 't tell anyone . Oh and that respect ? That includes respecting the experience and proficiency of REAL NFL referees and doing what needs to be done to get them back on the field . 6 . Four fashion trends to try this fall are - brocade / jacquard ( fancy printed fabrics ) , peplum , lace , and printed pants . . . which of these four would you be most likely to wear ? I 'm 46 years old ; too old to let a magazine tell me what to wear or a designer tell me what to spend . I still looked up photos of each of the four for fall 2012 . If I was a clothes trend follower , I think I 'd just hibernate this year and hope for better in the spring ! Not crazy about the types of prints for pants or the designs using lace . I 've never cared for jacquards / brocades and I 've never had hips small enough to carry off peplums . I think I 'll just stick with jeans and big t - shirts or sweatshirts for everyday and dress pants with a silk tank and jacket for business / dressy . As for pumpkin - the beginning of our trip was pumpkin - awful ! On getaway day , Monday , we stopped for dinner . Not only were they out of the carrots I wanted with dinner , but NO pumpkin bread at Bob Evans ! I love Bob 's pumpkin bread and it 's pumpkin season ! When David went out to get drinks after we checked in to the hotel , he came back with iced tea fir me because he asked ; no Pumpkin Spice cheataccino until next week . On Tuesday we ate at Olive Garden and I had tiramisu for dessert because they were out of the pumpkin cheesecake I ordered ! Thursday breakfast at IHOP ; Ah ! Pumpkin pancakes ! I ordered the pancake breakfast with sausage and bacon . Feeling deserted by my beloved pumpkin , David asked if they had pumpkin pancakes for me . Our waitress said " yes " and I smiled and said " I 'll have those ! " I asked for the whipped cream on the side . I should have worried when she said they didn 't come with whipped cream . Breakfast got there with regular pancakes . I finally got my pumpkin something on SUNDAY . The McDonald 's pumpkin shakes are wonderful ! But a week on the road without pumpkin anything is just wrong ; wrong , wrong , wrong ! This morning I had a pumpkin breakfast at home ; Pumpkin spice coffee , pumpkin yogurt and a pumpkin donut . Ahhhh . . My autumn world is in balance again . Thomas Jefferson to talk about religion and the constitution . Jefferson donated to all of his local churches , but attended the Unitarian Church , which if you can afford it , follows Unitarian beliefs . I 'd love to ask him what he thinks of the religious pressure we have in government now . He was of the opinion that eventually all people would grow and that " everyone will die a Unitarian . " We 're a far cry from that now . Still , I 'd like his thoughts on what a modern Unitarian can do to help our government return to its religious roots . I 'm doing the Friday 5 Question meme , hosted by Mama M at My Little Life today . One question and my answers have a brideish theme ! If I have an opportunity to blog more later , I 'll be back ! David and I were the Wedding Industrial Complex 's worst nightmare . We eloped in December and had a wedding reception weekend in July that cost less than some women pay for the dress . That being said , what I wore was important ! On the day we got married , I asked David what he was wearing to the courthouse and chose a very nice blouse and dress pants to coordinate with him . Ice and snow and there was no way I was wearing a skirt and any type of heel . I started out that morning falling in the kitchen right on top of a 12 - pack of Diet Rite cherry soda squashing one can and getting cherry soda all over the floor and my nightgown , there was no way I was going to mess with the chance of falling again ! For our reception weekend it didn 't take long to find the " dress . " David was wearing his tuxedo t - shirt to the baseball game with his " Groom " baseball cap . I stumbled on a wedding dress nightshirt online and thought it was the perfect complement to David 's shirt . Fortunately , it 's perfectly okay for a woman to wear a shirt that goes half way down the thighs with carpi - length stretch pants in public ! Not everything about what we wore getting married was determined by what David was wearing . The most important clothing decision for me , my equivalent of " the dress , " was The Hat . I wanted a very bride , very feminine hat for the reception weekend . I wanted everyone at the ballpark and every engineer that saw us when we had our train day on Sunday to know that I wasn 't just any other fan that weekend . So maybe I did have a little bit of bride vanity after all . I spent a few weeks looking at baseball hats with veils and different designs . I picked out David 's " Groom " hat , but yeah , typical to the rules of the Wedding Industrial Complex , my hat outshone his . And at $ 40 , out - cost his by double . The final two choices included one with a longer veil and one with lacy braiding and rhinestones . The bling won out ! And the veil went a good distance down my back anyway . I LOVE that hat ! I got the giggle fits when I read this one ; not because I 'm a fan of fart - jokes , but the image it planted in my mind reading it right after the wedding dress question . If you were at a wedding and a bride in a $ 5 , 000 dress let a stinky one , how would you react ? Remember , a bride is " always beautiful " on her wedding day . Do you ignore it or tell her how her farts even smell like roses today ? hehehehehe Depends on the mattress . If I could stay at a Sheraton every time I stay in a hotel , I 'd say I slept better in hotels than I do at home . Unfortunately we stay in hotels too often to afford a Sheraton every time . Besides we are often in small towns that don 't have a Sheraton anywhere close . I can 't sleep on a hard mattress or with a pillow that 's too stuffed . I 've tossed the pillow and used a stack of bathroom towels instead a few times . I 've also slept in the chair once or twice . 1 . ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL ? The NFL is back in action along with all the college teams . Are you a fan ? Who do you root for ? If you 're not a fan what do you do while the rest of America watches Saturday , Sunday , Monday night , and now Thursday night games ? I don 't watch much college football . I 've never been anything more than casually interested in watching college sports . The super college sports fans that never went to any college turned me off at a young age . I do enjoy the NFL and will watch games early in the season if there isn 't baseball on , but baseball will always win with me if there 's a choice unless one of my football teams is playing and my baseball teams are not . That 's not so common , but it has happened . I never really followed football because , well , I was born a Lions fan and as an optimist those two usually conflicted . When I got married " Forsaking all other teams and taking The Patriots " was in the vows . ( don 't you dare even think about changing my baseball teams was in the prenup ) So I follow a little closer now because David supplies the necessary information . I still want to see the Lions win , but I cheer f0r the Pars . I have a few brief episodic memories from before I was 5 years old and 4 snippets . The snippets include my Noni slapping my hands for dipping my sucker in the sand , I 'm told she 'd taken a few suckers away already and the slap was more of a tap , and my very pregnant mother bending over and saying something to me , but I don 't remember anything that was said . My only brother is 14 months younger than me ; it 's possible I didn 't understand some of what was said . Um … I was at the circus once in my life when I was a kid . I remember three rings , a guy in a top hat and a lady in a short sparky skirt … and cotton candy . ( But I don 't remember if I ate it or watched someone else eat it . ) Never watched a circus on TV , so all my circus knowledge comes from Dumbo . Which the way Dumbo and his Mom were treated is possibly why I never asked to go to the circus as a kid . Hmmm … I liked fried calamari as a kid and hate it now ; part because it 's fried and part because it 's squid . And I hated lima beans as a kid and still hate them now . Loved green beans as a kid , still love them now . Hmmm … disliked as a kid , like now . I can 't think of any . It 's not that I have a boring palate no , quire the contrary , There are a lot of new things I like now that I never tried as a kid , middle Eastern food for instance , I might not have liked hummus , but I don 't know . But I did eat calamari as a very young child . I also tried veal and prosciutto , neither of which I liked and neither of which I care for now . I do use prosciutto in soup , but that 's not new and its no - t new that I like it in soup . I 've disliked steak since I was a kid , always liked ham . If I come up with one that 's changed , I 'll add it as a random thought next week ! 6 . Describe your summer in three words . Too darned COLD ! ( Remember that I 'm pretty much a shut - in during the week right now . The air conditioned temperature is killing me ! ) I was a job seeker in 2001 . I signed on to my email account and started checking for the days postings when I saw the news photo on my sign - in screen on AOL . At first , I thought it was about the bombing a few years earlier , slow news day . Yeah , anything but a slow news day . I spent the rest of the day glued to the TV . I remember being scared when the Pentagon was hit because I wasn 't sure how many places were targets or by whom . I was horrified as the towers fell on live TV . John called me as soon as he left work . His first question was " Are you home alone ? " when I said I was he said " I 'll be right there . " He knew me well enough to know I 'd be going nuts . I 've been worried kitty - mommy all week . I said Monday that there was no way we were getting that medicine into Kaline and her eye was getting better . And it is better too , but now the other eye is draining and inflamed . She seems more annoyed that I want to look at it than any problems with it . Her appetite is fine , she runs and plays with Carla fine and Carla is showing no signs of catching anything or acting like she thinks Kaline is sick , so I am sure that it 's allergies . Her left eye still looks good and her right eye is looking better now . I think we need to make sure we aren 't irritating them trying to clean the drainage , no matter how awful it looks to us . When she was on the ointment last year , we didn 't touch the dirt that collected because I thought cleaning the corners of her eyes was what infected it . Leaving them alone this year has really seemed to help the problem pass quicker . She seemed to start having problems when it got a little cooler and we had open windows . The problem doesn 't happen in the spring or summer if the windows are open , just in the fall . She became a housecat at 5 weeks old and the vet had said she was weaned too early . I bet tha6 has everything to do with developing allergies to something that comes in the windows in early fall . If her eyes drain and get irritated but not infected and she doesn 't get sick without medication , as long as she isn 't showing any indication that it hurts or even bothers her , I can deal with a couple weeks a year . Even knowing she 's not in pain or discomfort , I still hurt inside for her when I see the dark streaks in the corners of her pretty eyes . I think I felt a need to do that layout because of the color we likely won 't get this year . In the " be careful what you wish for " world , I guess I really do want weather I 'll truly hate for a little while this winter . Very cold and snowy is good for spring flowers and the trees all summer . The drought conditions this summer further messed with the fall colors and on top of trees that didn 't get their winter rest last winter . I don 't expect the fall foliage to look as good his year . Area farms are really suffering , though not as bad as other places that were hit harder by the drought . The corn is just not as tall as it should be and the ears not as big as they should be and the stalks started to turn brown too soon . Recent rain we 've had has helped save the soybeans . In fact , the soybeans are looking fall - good ! I 'd seen the photographs and the picture on the menus at Bob Evans restaurants . I know through the wonders of retouching and adding graphics there are two barns that may or may not be painted with logos . I was sure the Ohio Bicentennial Barn for Gallia County was there and I hadn 't read anything that it was painted over Gallia County Ohio Bicentennial Barn If anything the Bicentennial logo has been kept up . I like that ! I am fascinated by the project of putting the logos on a barn in each county to celebrate the state 's bicentennial . I thought it was a cool idea in 2003 when Ohio celebrated 200 years as a state . I became a little geekier about them when I became a resident of Ohio in 2007 . Almost a decade later I know I won 't see and photograph the barns that were painted in all 88 counties because I know a few of them have already been painted over , but I want to see and photograph as many of them as I can , letting the photos date the painting with the natural weathering where there is weathering and the commitment to preserving the logo on some . The one at Bob Evans Farm is well - maintained ! I also know from some older photos that the Bob Evans logo on the barn in front of the Bicentennial Barn was photoshopped in on the menus . There are lots of photos of the Bicentennial Barn with a blank barn in front of it . It was my opinion that they really should put the Bob Evans logo on that barn because it was appropriate for the first barn you see at Bob Evans Farms and it would just look good . Guess what that first barn when we drove in looks like ? Good morning members of my blog family . Even if you 're visiting for the first time , welcome to the Chronicles of Nani family . As this is my coffee shop on the Information Super Highway , I need to take a break and get a cup of coffee ! Part of this is me feeling a little guilty . I want to thank everyone on Carla 's behalf for the nice comments and birthday wishes . Where I feel a little guilty is I didn 't post anything on August 12 , Kaline 's birthday ! I did do a Facebook Status for her , but not a blog . Shame on me ! She turned 7 . She did mention her birthday on Behind Orange Eyes in The Cat Days of Summer where she used one of the photos from that layout . She thought it made her look cute ; she is a Leo after all ! So I made a cup of Verona in the Keurig maker . I can see the bottom of the container the Verona is in already ! After it 's empty , I 'm going to put a new box of Vienna Coffee House , which is my everyday coffee . I have 3 boxes of Verona left , but Starbucks is pricier than most of the K - Cups , so I don 't want to use it all up and I 'm not in a financial position to upgrade my everyday java . Besides , I prefer to keep my indulgences as a treat . To go with the yummy cup of Verona , breakfast is definitely not my normal fruit , yogurt and whole grain cereal . I 've been craving a donut like crazy for a couple of weeks . It got worse when I was chatting with Kelly a couple nights ago and we were talking about her impending visit next month . We agreed that we must go to the cider mill in Michigan for cider and donuts . Yes , there are places locally that we can get cider and donuts , but cider and donuts in Michigan taste better . It tastes like home . We 'll go visit Scotty for one of the days she 's here , and the three of us on a picnic table with cider and donuts will definitely happen ! And for a little while , we 'll all be in our early 20s , single and not a realistic care in the world . But that 's next month . For today , I found a box of pumpkin donuts at Kroger when we did our cupboard restocking trip last night . Now , in keeping good tack of my points in my diet , breakfast today is actually a little less than normal for a donut and a peach with coffee . It 's just maybe slightly less good for me than the whole grains and yogurt . But it tastes SO GOOD ! Actually , I went on walks with Tori and Rina a lot . They weren 't as impressed with my favorite trails at Maybury State Park as I was . I liked the dirt paths and the more challenging hills . They hated having to wear bug spray and they hated the bus . But they did like the wildflowers . The best memories are that while they weren 't crazy about the bugs , we did that walking to get to the picnic areas in the back of the park where we discovered a playground they hadn 't been to before ! So I guess it 's not so much a single memory , but a bunch of fun memories of picnics with my nieces when they were little . Well , I live in the city now , but not downtown , just within the city limits . I have to say that out of all the places I 've lived I remember loving being a kid in Southgate Michigan because of the plethora of affordable kids programs in the 70s . But I love living in Toledo , Ohio ! ; it 's a small city , but it has the cultural and sports of a larger city , albeit on a bit smaller scale . The public transportation is good and if you 're driving the traffic is much less congested than a larger it or its suburbs . When David and I started dating that was the most refreshing thing ; leaving the always crazy and congested traffic of Novi for the much more pleasant driving in Toledo . We 're close to downtown for things we need to do in the city , live in a pleasant neighborhood and we 're not a far drive from parks and farmland . It 's really the best of all worlds . Technically I didn 't take it , I 'm in it . David took it , so it 's joint effort , right ? He did need me there to take it . I was chilly and kicked back on the couch with my blanket and fell asleep . Kaline is 7 years old and 13 pounds , but she has always loved crawling up and relaxing on my chest . She 's just not the pound - and - a - half kitten she was when she discovered she liked that resting spot . The thing is because she 's always done it , I don 't wake up just because she crawls onto me . I wake up when I hear my husband taking pictures ! Tori and Rina will tell you I make the best apple chips there are . My apple chips recipe is simple ; sliced cored apples really thin ( salad shooter is great for that ) spread the apple slices onto racks for the dehydrator . Start the dehydrator and check on them tomorrow . The new dehydrator I got last year will do a full load , about a quart of chips , in a day and a half . It is the greatest , most nutritious snack chip little kids have ever fallen so in love with they want it still sent to them in college . The easy answer would be chocolate . See the story here about my chocolate bunny when I was 3 . ( It 's the answer to question 4 in the Friday 5 Questions . ) I don 't lock myself in a closet and eat a pound of chocolate anymore , but my favorite of almost anything is still " the chocolate one . " I 'll probably blog some more this afternoon when I take my baking break . This is going to be a big baking day for me . I 'm making half - dozen packages of Mr . Goodcookies for the bake sale at Paws and Whiskers on Sunday . I 'm making 10 dozen Mr . Goodcookies to package in half - dozen bags . It 's definitely a labor of love ! 2 . I stopped wearing skirts . Anyplace I 'd go where a skirt or dress would be appropriate I 'd use the wheelchair . Skirt in a wheelchair is not a good look ! 3 . My favorite song right now is Dear God by XTC because it 's a very passionate song . ( PLEASE see more about this song in Fragments ! ) Apple picking ! We 've , and by " we " I mean me and any members of my family that want to go , gone apple picking since Tori and Rina were a year old . They 'll be 18 next Thursday . Another great tradition that 's part of that is that I make apple chips in the dehydrator . This year I 'll be shipping apple chips to two different places for my college - girls ! I 'd never get a tattoo for real , but I wore a temporary summer tattoo in my teens and 20s ; a rose on my ankle . Trite , huh ? I 'm glad I didn 't get it permanently put on . David likes his mayo on ham sandwiches ( mayo - ick ) . I am a mustard girl . Honey mustard is the number one for pretty much any kind of meat but I like others for sandwiches , cooking and pretzels . I have 4 bottles of mustard that do all get used ; honey , spicy brown , Dijon and classic yellow . He didn 't . I didn 't either . We were already living together and he was working nights the week before Christmas , so we " went to city hall . " Yes , David worked on our " wedding night . " I scrapped . * * David and I visited Hollywood Casino for the first time since it opened in April on Labor Day . We both did the smart thing when going to a casino decide how much you 'll lose and when you 've lost that , you 're done . I did that the first time , well only time , I went to Vegas and considered myself a winner because I only lost about a third of what I planned to lose ! The truth is there 's only been one time that I went to a casino and left with more money than I came in with . John used to go the Motor City Casino in Detroit often enough that he got the occasional big coupon to Iridescence , the very hoity - toity restaurant there . That 's when he called little sis and asked me out to hoity toity dinner and some gambling . It was a chance to spend an evening with one of my closest friends , have a very nice diner with edible art dessert and donate my $ 20 to the casino while having a little fun with the draw poker machines . This was while John was playing the table games . Well , that one night , after John has spent his donation to the casino for the evening , he found me having a jolly time at a machine not noticing what the total of credits was because I knew I was winning enough that it hadn 't asked for more coins . That was back when the machines still used coins ; much more fun than putting paper money in and getting a paper slip if you win . John had looked at the credit total I was ignoring with huge eyes . " You know that credit total is eighty dollars ' worth of quarters , right ? " I lost the next few hands after realizing how much was there , so I hit the cash button and listened to almost eighty dollars in quarters , with bells , spill out of the machine . That 's why I like the old - school coin machines better than the new - fangled paper ones . Like when I cashed out of machines in Vegas , you just feel like more of a winner when the coin cup gets too heavy to carry ! On Monday , because I didn 't really want to go because I didn 't have money I wanted to donate to the casino , David gave me a gambling stipend . We found a draw poker machine I liked and he put the bill in for me and left to find the poker room . I brought my Nook and our agreement was that when he was ready to go , I 'd either be in this area playing poker or I 'd be having a latte and reading . The machines are really set up so that you win often enough and big enough or almost big enough , to make you feel like you really did well , almost won , but after a decent while , they still get the money . I like that ! Just next time I need to pick one of the machines for people who are there with people who play well and last longer ! David found me reading the end of the current book and having just finished my latte . He wasn 't a winner that night either , but I think we might go again sometime . * * We gathered up the cats for that annual trip that if you listened to them you 'd swear we were going to the violin string factory . The greatest thing about choosing a vet that is less than a mile away is the ride with the cat chorus is short . We called it playing " Meowco Purro " as Carla would sound the desperate cry from her carrier and Kaline would respond with equal pathos from hers . Carla is 12 pounds and the paperweight that sleeps on my hip is 13 ! They said it 's average for girls and they look and sound great otherwise . It 's just amazing to me because in all her 17 years , the heaviest Azzie ever was , and that was only one time she weighted in that heavy , was 8 pounds . She was usually 7 - 1 / 2 . I asked to be reassured that 12 and 13 pounds was normal and was told it 's normal . They eat light cat food , their preference , we tried to go back to regular ; they were not impressed , run and play like crazy and don 't have a ton of treats , they 're not crazy about people food either . If they were overweight , I don 't know what we 'd do . Kaline 's seasonal eye problem is allergies . We were given the choice between eye ointment like last year , pills or children 's Benadryl . We 'd had better experiences with liquids in the past , so we went with the children 's Benadryl . Yeah , that was a good idea ! We got a drop of the first dose on her tongue and she was foaming at the mouth trying to get it out . Her eye is getting better and we 'll try the medicine again if it doesn 't keep improving , but adding that much stress isn 't going to help her . * * The book I almost finished at the casino and did finish Tuesday morning was Blood and Bones by Austin Camacho . It 's the second Hannibal Jones book and I have all of the Hannibal Jones books ; three read , two more to go . I love Hannibal ! He is strong , smart and one of those champions for people . If you enjoy mysteries with a lot of action , some violence and great , but realistic , moral victories , definitely try out Austin Camacho 's Hannibal Jones mysteries ! * * About Dear God , by XTC : Don 't get this wrong ! Dear God is an old song that I 've recently become aware of and it is NOT a religious song , in that atheism is the lack of religion . The song has made me think a lot . Churches try to " save " atheists , but after listening to the lyrics , I wonder if those trying to save them have ever asked WHY they don 't believe . While people are starving , living in the streets , children and animals are abused , families are falling apart , many churches are fighting for superiority amongst themselves and government control . I really think I can understand why they don 't see God . We don 't always do a good job of showing Him . Maybe churches aren 't here to " save " the atheists ; maybe the atheists are here to save the churches . Just a little food for thought . 1 . In your opinion what 's the most important job in the world ? Oh , and parenting is a given so besides parenting , what 's the most important job in the world ? The warped society we are , you 'd think the most important jobs are athletes and celebrities followed closely by politicians and corporate CEOs . In my opinion , they are all the most overrated jobs there are . Well , at least with a corporate CEO they 've worked their way to the top , usually , but even with that to get to the very top , it is either willingly or unwillingly on the backs of lots of other people who don 't get rewarded for carrying you . When I turned 6 , my grandfather was at home after they had done everything they could at the hospital for his cancer . He was fed through a tube directly into his stomach and Noni prepared his meals in the blender . We had my 6th birthday party at their house so we could see Nono . I adored my grandfather and as the first grandchild , it was pretty much a mutual adoration . When it was time for cake , I asked Noni if she could put a piece of my cake in the blender so Nono could have some too . Everyone was saying " no , " but a voice , suddenly stronger than it had been , came from the bedroom , " YES ! " Nono wanted cake . Noni put a small piece of cake in the blender for him 3 . Peanut butter - crunchy or smooth ? PB2 ! I 've traditionally always loved crunchy for PB & J sandwiches or just eating by the tablespoonful right out of the jar . That explains the need to fins lower fat alternatives and the plus size clothing catalogues now ! I use creamy peanut butter to make Krisp Kringles at Christmas and now that 's the only time there is regular peanut butter in our house ; 1 jar a year . PB2 is real peanuts with most of the fat taken out . Just add water and it has real peanut butter taste and texture . I often have my toast without jelly when we eat out and I 'll take home a single - serve grape jelly because it matches perfectly with PB2 when I need a little childhood comfort food . 4 . William Butler Yeats is credited as saying , " Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that but simply growth , We are happy when we are growing . " Your thoughts ? I don 't think that describes happiness . It describes satisfaction which can be one of the things which creates happiness , but it 's not the end all and be all of happiness . Happiness is a choice ; a state of being that comes from everything and anything you decide will make you happy . The phrases " It is what it is " and " bucket list . " The former is an excuse to be lazy and the latter putting an expiration date on yourself . They are both incredibly pessimistic and I cringe when I hear them . To me they both sound like a cry for emotional help . 8 . Insert your own random thought here . I had a winning August . In the peel sticker Olympics thing at McDonalds , I got 2 free snack wraps and a free small smoothie . The snack wraps are things I actually eat there from time to time and the smoothie was something new . I had a pineapple - mango smoothie . I loved it ! Wonderful flavor and a good points value for an occasional snack , but at the price tells me I 'll wait to win another one or find a large sum of money on our doorstep to have it again . It was still very good ! As part of my winning August , I also won a book ! I read Pam 's review of The Divorce Girl , by Caryn Mirriam - Goldberg at Empty Nest . It sounded like a good book and she was offering a free copy to a random commenter , so I left a comment to be entered into the drawing . I got an email telling me I 'd won ! The book came in just after I 'd started Blood and Bones by Austin Camacho . I love the hero ; Hannibal Jonas and I 've collected all the books in the series to read . I finished Blood and Bones a couple days ago and decided to read The Divorce Girl next . I 'm only 21 pages in , but I like it so far . My greatest challenge with the book is that it 's a paperback ; I 've been using an e - reader for the last 2 years with the wonderful benefit of no dyslexia ! I had forgotten how much slower I read when the background is bright enough to draw my eyes into the problems I have . I 've taken a couple semesters off from school too , so for the last year , reading on paper has been newspaper and magazine articles , much easier than a book . But this book is definitely interesting enough to keep me making that effort ! I wanted to make a point of publicly saying " thank you " to Pam and every blogger who has freebies and random draws for gifts on their blog . It adds a little tangible fun to our community ! I 'll give my thoughts on the book when I finish it ! Today was the first day of classes for Acme Feline Obedience School . Carla starts this year , but she hasn 't sign on at all today . Kaline took her classes online and so is Carla , but I never knew that Kaline skipped the first day of school ! I read it in their blog , Behind Orange Eyes . Carla talked about Baggle having warned them to not go to school on the first day . I guess it 's just not something humans understand . Okay , it 's Tuesday . I have a pretty cool barn photo that I think I 'll post next Tuesday for Barn Charm Tuesday at Bluff Area Daily . It 's a very cool barn set from our Fourth of July trip . If you like barns , come back next Tuesday ! Well , I could say Digitalegacies , my video business , because it didn 't even last 2 years and I had to close it . I did a LOT of work and really believed in my concept for it , but I was really bitten by the Detroit - area economy ; laid off workers change their minds about using disposable income when none of it 's disposable anymore . Closing my business was tougher than any job I 've ever had working for someone else . TQM - I am SUCH a believer in Total Quality Management ; getting employees involved in suggestions and understanding changes that are made really gives them ownership and pride in their work and the quality as a whole benefits . I learned this from my boss at Omnicom . She was awesome and we all had an opportunity to input into the department . Her staff meetings were always empowering . Okay , with limited mobility I spend a lot of time in the house . While we had a HOT summer , I spent more days bundled up because I was cold than I did sweating . I enjoyed the really hot days when I was outside ; even if the heat was mean to my legs , it was pleasurable to the rest of me . So my tentative " last hurrah " was going our for a day trip with David , but as long as the possibility for hot days still exists , summer 's not over ! If I get the opportunity to go out on another 80s or 90s day , I 'll do it . I worry that after the really hot summer , we 'll have a really cold winter and we don 't heat as much as we cool the house . I can bundle up , but I sure like it better when I don 't have to ! Yeah , kinda , I have white shoes and black shoes , but my white shoes have always been more comfortable . But I don 't like shoes anyway . I did wear white shoes in December when we got married . We both wore dark blue , but I wore white shoes ; I was a bride , I deserved to wear white , but I deserved more to be comfortable on the day I got married ! : ) 5 . What is your favorite thing about fall ? For me , and everyone who reads this blog knows , it 's PUMPKIN SPICE SEASON ! But really , I love all the harvest flavors of fall . Eat ' N Park has their farmer 's market soup again this year , oh so good ! !
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Chronicles of Nani Bulletin Board Welcome to my cyber neighborhood coffee shop ! Grab a mug of your favorite beverage and a cozy chair to read and comment a bit . Be sure to try a piece of black forest cake or the tiramisu . Try both ; cyber - cake is calorie free ! Contact Nani at chroniclesofnani @ gmail . com . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Christmas Scrapbook FreebiesIf you were visiting from Worldwide Christmas Scrapbooking Freebies , follow the hyperlinks for Digitalegacies Designs ' mini kit Christmas Cocoa and the add - on Christmas Cocoa Flowers . I decided Saturday morning that I need to do some Smashing ! I picked up and dropped the large envelope with my baseball ticket stubs in it , all of them since 1992 . I counted them , 181 ticket stubs showered onto the floor now completely out of the OCD chronological order I had them in . Of course I know how many there were in that envelope because I 've put them back in chronological order . Oh , I don 't really have OCD , just some obsessive order tendencies . Disorganization makes me crazy , but not certifiable , not yet anyway . So Smashing , with a capital S is as in Smash Journal . I saw a video for Smash Journals last year and was intrigued . I mean , really they are very old school scrapbooks . Someplace to keep clippings , notes , ephemera ; like baseball ticket stubs . Here 's the demo video I saw : I love this ! I wanted to buy one the first time I saw the video , but I wasn 't in the financial position to do it and just sort of let the thought go . But in re - sorting all the ticket stubs I realized that I remember every one of those games . Maybe I don 't remember who won , the score or even a play from the game , although for a lot of them I do , but the ticket makes me remember who was there with me , a detail from the day . The first game I saw in 2000 was in Cincinnati in April . John and I went and it was definitely a hot chocolate game . The ticket stub brought back that memory with a friend that was so close to me . I have little mementos , cartoons , notes and fun clippings in boxes , folders , drawers and I never look at them because they are all over and not organized , A Smash book doesn 't organize per se , but it puts all those things in one place and assembles fairly quick because it 's almost a collage , just fun things in a book . How great to browse without looking all over or forgetting about things that bring back sweet memories and inspire creativity ! I like this for the pockets and semi - flat trinkets . Now , while I really do want a real smash book kit with the stick and flags and tapes and all , right now it 's still beyond my budget . But what I do have is all those tidbits I want to save and paper scrapbook supplies I don 't use anymore because I do my scrapping digital now . I had thought I was going to package it all up and sell or donate , but now I think it will at the very least be my " Archive Smash Book . " I 'll need to gather everything , which will work well with my desire to get things organized here and get things in books instead of all over and prone to spill out all over the floor ! I 'd like to be able to get an actual Smash Book for 2013 , but for now , I 'm going to gather all of my little things and use up the paper scrap leftovers . I 'm kind of excited to have all my special things gathered in one place . You 'll see my candy list in a few minutes , or less if you are a fast reader . I did a scrapbook page yesterday from our time in Canada on one of the days of our vacation last year . Yeah , somehow I 'm falling behind again instead of catching up . Hey , maybe I can do a bucket list after all ! If I put " finish my scrapbooks " on it , I would achieve immortality ! Anyway , I did the page from the day in Canada was the day we made a Shopper 's Drug Mart stop to load up on Canadian chocolate bars . David and I both love Canadian chocolate and a visit to the Sisterland , because the US and Canada are sisters , always includes a candy stop ! Now we haven 't been to Canada in over a year and I 'm craving a Coffee Crisp like mad ! We really need to do something about that . I 'm not dissing American chocolate at all ! Ghirardelli and Hershey are both American and they make some of my favorites too . But Canadian chocolate is different . It 's its own kind of awesome . 2 . Mr . Goodbar , Pretzel M & Ms , Almond M & Ms , Baci , Coffee Crisp , Hershey 's Air and Mint Aero Bars are my favorite candy . Plus some others , but they all have chocolate in common . 3 . If I could have one magical power it would be the power to heal the sick . Yes , I 'd start with myself , but after curing Multiple Sclerosis , I 'd move on to Cancer and every other disease out there . I used to love flying , but when it got to the point where it took longer to fly from Detroit to Chicago than drive because of all the " arrive early " and invasive security that 's almost scarier than any threat I became a bit disenchanted . When I was flying and I had to sit on the floor to remove my shoes to go through security because the limited seating was taken up by business flyers who had to have an extra seat for computer cases while they took off or put on shoes , I realized that airports had become such a hassle that travelers were losing manners or even the awareness of other human beings in the vicinity . It 's that loss of awareness that completely cancels any feeling of safety all the security measures might give . Oh , and airplane , wheelchair , airplane bathroom … I can 't help but think it will be an uncomfortable trip if I ever fly across country or to Europe again . I may need some extra absorbent Depends ! I prefer to dri … have someone drive , because it puts us in control rather than at someone 's mercy . And I can usually even talk David into a pit stop now and then ! ; ) 2 . If you could live anywhere in the world , where would you go and why ? Toledo , Ohio with a winter home in Las Vegas . I really do like the city I 'm in now , just not the winter . So I 'd go play when it 's cold . GROWN women should where whatever they feel comfortable wearing . I wear leggings in the summer and in winter under my jeans … which are also leggings . It 's what 's comfortable and easy for me . If you 're offended by how I look , I 'm not trying to impress you ; don 't look . If you can 't help but look , I 'm sorry I 'm so captivating ; resist or get some help . Not my problem . I changed my name when I got married ; maiden name became my middle name and David 's last name became my last name . I didn 't hyphenate ; I kept my identity and my married identity as two separate parts of who I am . I also wasn 't crazy about my middle name . Of course , my middle name was the name I was baptized as , so the Catholic Church has an APB out for me ! hehe I brought my laptop and I was really thinking I 'd blog a little last week , but traveling has a way of wearing me out by the end of the day after an early wake - up . David and I have been in Illinois and Missouri for most of the past week for our end of summer vacation . We were originally were going at the end of August , but the weather was looking less than favorable and he was asked if he could change some plans for work and … So we ended up going last week instead . Biggest drawback of the schedule change is that we were traveling after Minor League Baseball season was over , so no baseball , not even one game . Also , we were in Cardinals territory on Saturday when the Reds clinched the Central Division . I 'm going to wear my 2010 Division Champions shirt , but I am NOT buying the 2012 Division Champs shirt . Division Champions was the highest point of the 2010 season . I 'm waiting to buy my World Champions shirt this year ! Unless … … unless , it 's not the Reds . There is only ONE way it won 't be the Reds ; The Tigers are tied for first place in the American League Central Division ! My dream World Series is still possible ! If it 's the Reds and Tigers I can 't lose ! I admit that I lean a little more towards the Reds because well , the designated hitter makes that much difference to me . I 'm a National League fan . But the Tigers are my AL team and the team that brought me the love of baseball when I was just 2 years old dancing in Mom 's arms when they won the 1968 World Series . So really , in that dream World Series the only thing that would burn is if either team sweeps . I 'd love the decision to be whoever wins the 1 - 0 Game 7 . Then I buy the World Champion Shirt and the other League Champion shirt and wear them both proudly ! But I want those shirts ; it 's bad luck to buy a shirt for any step on the way . I buy my shirts for when I 'm ready for it to stop ; and I 'm NOT ready for it to stop yet ! I love kitschy art and water towers and larger than life everyday objects . What 's not to totally Nani - love about that water tower ? Driving back to our hotel after dinner , we got to see it all lit up too ! Totally cool ! 1 . The Wednesday Hodgepodge this week falls on John Chapman 's birth date . He 's more famously known as Johnny Appleseed . . . what 's your favorite variety of apple ? Gala Apple 2 . When did you last say ' ick ' ? ick , icky ; words I use often to describe things I don 't like , so without thinking too hard I can pretty much guarantee I used it today , probably more than once . 3 . Do you think there 's a generation gap ? Explain . I live in a generation gap ! I 'm too young to be cool for the music I like because I 'm the age of a parent of the age group those songs are geared for . That 's true for any current trend for those of us in the age group that parented the current trend - ruling class . I 'll start to be cool for liking current music in about 10 years . Then I 'll be a " cool old lady who ' gets ' us " to the targeted age group . The " generation gap " is created by teens and early 20 - somethings who have reached the age of wanting to establish themselves and their own culture as they enter into the adult world . Culturally , we the " uncools " should step back , be there if we 're needed , but let the new adults define their cultural generation . In a few years we 'll either come back into coolness for enjoying current trends or be respected as the sweet old people listening to 80s music on the " oldies station . " 4 . What 's on your computer screen saver ? Do you leave it alone or change it often ? The screen savers on my laptop and on my phone are both animated bubbles . I 've always loved bubbles ! The screensavers on both devices were set the first day I had them and haven 't changed . Adopt a rescue . People who try to control other people 's lives do because they can 't control their own . Respect and tolerance are the keys to peace ; if you can 't handle it stay home and off the internet so the rest of us can enjoy a better world . It doesn 't matter what you call him or how ; God doesn 't think you 're completely right . The sincere way to be charitable is to give and don 't tell anyone . Oh and that respect ? That includes respecting the experience and proficiency of REAL NFL referees and doing what needs to be done to get them back on the field . 6 . Four fashion trends to try this fall are - brocade / jacquard ( fancy printed fabrics ) , peplum , lace , and printed pants . . . which of these four would you be most likely to wear ? I 'm 46 years old ; too old to let a magazine tell me what to wear or a designer tell me what to spend . I still looked up photos of each of the four for fall 2012 . If I was a clothes trend follower , I think I 'd just hibernate this year and hope for better in the spring ! Not crazy about the types of prints for pants or the designs using lace . I 've never cared for jacquards / brocades and I 've never had hips small enough to carry off peplums . I think I 'll just stick with jeans and big t - shirts or sweatshirts for everyday and dress pants with a silk tank and jacket for business / dressy . As for pumpkin - the beginning of our trip was pumpkin - awful ! On getaway day , Monday , we stopped for dinner . Not only were they out of the carrots I wanted with dinner , but NO pumpkin bread at Bob Evans ! I love Bob 's pumpkin bread and it 's pumpkin season ! When David went out to get drinks after we checked in to the hotel , he came back with iced tea fir me because he asked ; no Pumpkin Spice cheataccino until next week . On Tuesday we ate at Olive Garden and I had tiramisu for dessert because they were out of the pumpkin cheesecake I ordered ! Thursday breakfast at IHOP ; Ah ! Pumpkin pancakes ! I ordered the pancake breakfast with sausage and bacon . Feeling deserted by my beloved pumpkin , David asked if they had pumpkin pancakes for me . Our waitress said " yes " and I smiled and said " I 'll have those ! " I asked for the whipped cream on the side . I should have worried when she said they didn 't come with whipped cream . Breakfast got there with regular pancakes . I finally got my pumpkin something on SUNDAY . The McDonald 's pumpkin shakes are wonderful ! But a week on the road without pumpkin anything is just wrong ; wrong , wrong , wrong ! This morning I had a pumpkin breakfast at home ; Pumpkin spice coffee , pumpkin yogurt and a pumpkin donut . Ahhhh . . My autumn world is in balance again . Thomas Jefferson to talk about religion and the constitution . Jefferson donated to all of his local churches , but attended the Unitarian Church , which if you can afford it , follows Unitarian beliefs . I 'd love to ask him what he thinks of the religious pressure we have in government now . He was of the opinion that eventually all people would grow and that " everyone will die a Unitarian . " We 're a far cry from that now . Still , I 'd like his thoughts on what a modern Unitarian can do to help our government return to its religious roots . I 'm doing the Friday 5 Question meme , hosted by Mama M at My Little Life today . One question and my answers have a brideish theme ! If I have an opportunity to blog more later , I 'll be back ! David and I were the Wedding Industrial Complex 's worst nightmare . We eloped in December and had a wedding reception weekend in July that cost less than some women pay for the dress . That being said , what I wore was important ! On the day we got married , I asked David what he was wearing to the courthouse and chose a very nice blouse and dress pants to coordinate with him . Ice and snow and there was no way I was wearing a skirt and any type of heel . I started out that morning falling in the kitchen right on top of a 12 - pack of Diet Rite cherry soda squashing one can and getting cherry soda all over the floor and my nightgown , there was no way I was going to mess with the chance of falling again ! For our reception weekend it didn 't take long to find the " dress . " David was wearing his tuxedo t - shirt to the baseball game with his " Groom " baseball cap . I stumbled on a wedding dress nightshirt online and thought it was the perfect complement to David 's shirt . Fortunately , it 's perfectly okay for a woman to wear a shirt that goes half way down the thighs with carpi - length stretch pants in public ! Not everything about what we wore getting married was determined by what David was wearing . The most important clothing decision for me , my equivalent of " the dress , " was The Hat . I wanted a very bride , very feminine hat for the reception weekend . I wanted everyone at the ballpark and every engineer that saw us when we had our train day on Sunday to know that I wasn 't just any other fan that weekend . So maybe I did have a little bit of bride vanity after all . I spent a few weeks looking at baseball hats with veils and different designs . I picked out David 's " Groom " hat , but yeah , typical to the rules of the Wedding Industrial Complex , my hat outshone his . And at $ 40 , out - cost his by double . The final two choices included one with a longer veil and one with lacy braiding and rhinestones . The bling won out ! And the veil went a good distance down my back anyway . I LOVE that hat ! I got the giggle fits when I read this one ; not because I 'm a fan of fart - jokes , but the image it planted in my mind reading it right after the wedding dress question . If you were at a wedding and a bride in a $ 5 , 000 dress let a stinky one , how would you react ? Remember , a bride is " always beautiful " on her wedding day . Do you ignore it or tell her how her farts even smell like roses today ? hehehehehe Depends on the mattress . If I could stay at a Sheraton every time I stay in a hotel , I 'd say I slept better in hotels than I do at home . Unfortunately we stay in hotels too often to afford a Sheraton every time . Besides we are often in small towns that don 't have a Sheraton anywhere close . I can 't sleep on a hard mattress or with a pillow that 's too stuffed . I 've tossed the pillow and used a stack of bathroom towels instead a few times . I 've also slept in the chair once or twice . 1 . ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL ? The NFL is back in action along with all the college teams . Are you a fan ? Who do you root for ? If you 're not a fan what do you do while the rest of America watches Saturday , Sunday , Monday night , and now Thursday night games ? I don 't watch much college football . I 've never been anything more than casually interested in watching college sports . The super college sports fans that never went to any college turned me off at a young age . I do enjoy the NFL and will watch games early in the season if there isn 't baseball on , but baseball will always win with me if there 's a choice unless one of my football teams is playing and my baseball teams are not . That 's not so common , but it has happened . I never really followed football because , well , I was born a Lions fan and as an optimist those two usually conflicted . When I got married " Forsaking all other teams and taking The Patriots " was in the vows . ( don 't you dare even think about changing my baseball teams was in the prenup ) So I follow a little closer now because David supplies the necessary information . I still want to see the Lions win , but I cheer f0r the Pars . I have a few brief episodic memories from before I was 5 years old and 4 snippets . The snippets include my Noni slapping my hands for dipping my sucker in the sand , I 'm told she 'd taken a few suckers away already and the slap was more of a tap , and my very pregnant mother bending over and saying something to me , but I don 't remember anything that was said . My only brother is 14 months younger than me ; it 's possible I didn 't understand some of what was said . Um … I was at the circus once in my life when I was a kid . I remember three rings , a guy in a top hat and a lady in a short sparky skirt … and cotton candy . ( But I don 't remember if I ate it or watched someone else eat it . ) Never watched a circus on TV , so all my circus knowledge comes from Dumbo . Which the way Dumbo and his Mom were treated is possibly why I never asked to go to the circus as a kid . Hmmm … I liked fried calamari as a kid and hate it now ; part because it 's fried and part because it 's squid . And I hated lima beans as a kid and still hate them now . Loved green beans as a kid , still love them now . Hmmm … disliked as a kid , like now . I can 't think of any . It 's not that I have a boring palate no , quire the contrary , There are a lot of new things I like now that I never tried as a kid , middle Eastern food for instance , I might not have liked hummus , but I don 't know . But I did eat calamari as a very young child . I also tried veal and prosciutto , neither of which I liked and neither of which I care for now . I do use prosciutto in soup , but that 's not new and its no - t new that I like it in soup . I 've disliked steak since I was a kid , always liked ham . If I come up with one that 's changed , I 'll add it as a random thought next week ! 6 . Describe your summer in three words . Too darned COLD ! ( Remember that I 'm pretty much a shut - in during the week right now . The air conditioned temperature is killing me ! ) I was a job seeker in 2001 . I signed on to my email account and started checking for the days postings when I saw the news photo on my sign - in screen on AOL . At first , I thought it was about the bombing a few years earlier , slow news day . Yeah , anything but a slow news day . I spent the rest of the day glued to the TV . I remember being scared when the Pentagon was hit because I wasn 't sure how many places were targets or by whom . I was horrified as the towers fell on live TV . John called me as soon as he left work . His first question was " Are you home alone ? " when I said I was he said " I 'll be right there . " He knew me well enough to know I 'd be going nuts . I 've been worried kitty - mommy all week . I said Monday that there was no way we were getting that medicine into Kaline and her eye was getting better . And it is better too , but now the other eye is draining and inflamed . She seems more annoyed that I want to look at it than any problems with it . Her appetite is fine , she runs and plays with Carla fine and Carla is showing no signs of catching anything or acting like she thinks Kaline is sick , so I am sure that it 's allergies . Her left eye still looks good and her right eye is looking better now . I think we need to make sure we aren 't irritating them trying to clean the drainage , no matter how awful it looks to us . When she was on the ointment last year , we didn 't touch the dirt that collected because I thought cleaning the corners of her eyes was what infected it . Leaving them alone this year has really seemed to help the problem pass quicker . She seemed to start having problems when it got a little cooler and we had open windows . The problem doesn 't happen in the spring or summer if the windows are open , just in the fall . She became a housecat at 5 weeks old and the vet had said she was weaned too early . I bet tha6 has everything to do with developing allergies to something that comes in the windows in early fall . If her eyes drain and get irritated but not infected and she doesn 't get sick without medication , as long as she isn 't showing any indication that it hurts or even bothers her , I can deal with a couple weeks a year . Even knowing she 's not in pain or discomfort , I still hurt inside for her when I see the dark streaks in the corners of her pretty eyes . I think I felt a need to do that layout because of the color we likely won 't get this year . In the " be careful what you wish for " world , I guess I really do want weather I 'll truly hate for a little while this winter . Very cold and snowy is good for spring flowers and the trees all summer . The drought conditions this summer further messed with the fall colors and on top of trees that didn 't get their winter rest last winter . I don 't expect the fall foliage to look as good his year . Area farms are really suffering , though not as bad as other places that were hit harder by the drought . The corn is just not as tall as it should be and the ears not as big as they should be and the stalks started to turn brown too soon . Recent rain we 've had has helped save the soybeans . In fact , the soybeans are looking fall - good ! I 'd seen the photographs and the picture on the menus at Bob Evans restaurants . I know through the wonders of retouching and adding graphics there are two barns that may or may not be painted with logos . I was sure the Ohio Bicentennial Barn for Gallia County was there and I hadn 't read anything that it was painted over Gallia County Ohio Bicentennial Barn If anything the Bicentennial logo has been kept up . I like that ! I am fascinated by the project of putting the logos on a barn in each county to celebrate the state 's bicentennial . I thought it was a cool idea in 2003 when Ohio celebrated 200 years as a state . I became a little geekier about them when I became a resident of Ohio in 2007 . Almost a decade later I know I won 't see and photograph the barns that were painted in all 88 counties because I know a few of them have already been painted over , but I want to see and photograph as many of them as I can , letting the photos date the painting with the natural weathering where there is weathering and the commitment to preserving the logo on some . The one at Bob Evans Farm is well - maintained ! I also know from some older photos that the Bob Evans logo on the barn in front of the Bicentennial Barn was photoshopped in on the menus . There are lots of photos of the Bicentennial Barn with a blank barn in front of it . It was my opinion that they really should put the Bob Evans logo on that barn because it was appropriate for the first barn you see at Bob Evans Farms and it would just look good . Guess what that first barn when we drove in looks like ? Good morning members of my blog family . Even if you 're visiting for the first time , welcome to the Chronicles of Nani family . As this is my coffee shop on the Information Super Highway , I need to take a break and get a cup of coffee ! Part of this is me feeling a little guilty . I want to thank everyone on Carla 's behalf for the nice comments and birthday wishes . Where I feel a little guilty is I didn 't post anything on August 12 , Kaline 's birthday ! I did do a Facebook Status for her , but not a blog . Shame on me ! She turned 7 . She did mention her birthday on Behind Orange Eyes in The Cat Days of Summer where she used one of the photos from that layout . She thought it made her look cute ; she is a Leo after all ! So I made a cup of Verona in the Keurig maker . I can see the bottom of the container the Verona is in already ! After it 's empty , I 'm going to put a new box of Vienna Coffee House , which is my everyday coffee . I have 3 boxes of Verona left , but Starbucks is pricier than most of the K - Cups , so I don 't want to use it all up and I 'm not in a financial position to upgrade my everyday java . Besides , I prefer to keep my indulgences as a treat . To go with the yummy cup of Verona , breakfast is definitely not my normal fruit , yogurt and whole grain cereal . I 've been craving a donut like crazy for a couple of weeks . It got worse when I was chatting with Kelly a couple nights ago and we were talking about her impending visit next month . We agreed that we must go to the cider mill in Michigan for cider and donuts . Yes , there are places locally that we can get cider and donuts , but cider and donuts in Michigan taste better . It tastes like home . We 'll go visit Scotty for one of the days she 's here , and the three of us on a picnic table with cider and donuts will definitely happen ! And for a little while , we 'll all be in our early 20s , single and not a realistic care in the world . But that 's next month . For today , I found a box of pumpkin donuts at Kroger when we did our cupboard restocking trip last night . Now , in keeping good tack of my points in my diet , breakfast today is actually a little less than normal for a donut and a peach with coffee . It 's just maybe slightly less good for me than the whole grains and yogurt . But it tastes SO GOOD ! Actually , I went on walks with Tori and Rina a lot . They weren 't as impressed with my favorite trails at Maybury State Park as I was . I liked the dirt paths and the more challenging hills . They hated having to wear bug spray and they hated the bus . But they did like the wildflowers . The best memories are that while they weren 't crazy about the bugs , we did that walking to get to the picnic areas in the back of the park where we discovered a playground they hadn 't been to before ! So I guess it 's not so much a single memory , but a bunch of fun memories of picnics with my nieces when they were little . Well , I live in the city now , but not downtown , just within the city limits . I have to say that out of all the places I 've lived I remember loving being a kid in Southgate Michigan because of the plethora of affordable kids programs in the 70s . But I love living in Toledo , Ohio ! ; it 's a small city , but it has the cultural and sports of a larger city , albeit on a bit smaller scale . The public transportation is good and if you 're driving the traffic is much less congested than a larger it or its suburbs . When David and I started dating that was the most refreshing thing ; leaving the always crazy and congested traffic of Novi for the much more pleasant driving in Toledo . We 're close to downtown for things we need to do in the city , live in a pleasant neighborhood and we 're not a far drive from parks and farmland . It 's really the best of all worlds . Technically I didn 't take it , I 'm in it . David took it , so it 's joint effort , right ? He did need me there to take it . I was chilly and kicked back on the couch with my blanket and fell asleep . Kaline is 7 years old and 13 pounds , but she has always loved crawling up and relaxing on my chest . She 's just not the pound - and - a - half kitten she was when she discovered she liked that resting spot . The thing is because she 's always done it , I don 't wake up just because she crawls onto me . I wake up when I hear my husband taking pictures ! Tori and Rina will tell you I make the best apple chips there are . My apple chips recipe is simple ; sliced cored apples really thin ( salad shooter is great for that ) spread the apple slices onto racks for the dehydrator . Start the dehydrator and check on them tomorrow . The new dehydrator I got last year will do a full load , about a quart of chips , in a day and a half . It is the greatest , most nutritious snack chip little kids have ever fallen so in love with they want it still sent to them in college . The easy answer would be chocolate . See the story here about my chocolate bunny when I was 3 . ( It 's the answer to question 4 in the Friday 5 Questions . ) I don 't lock myself in a closet and eat a pound of chocolate anymore , but my favorite of almost anything is still " the chocolate one . " I 'll probably blog some more this afternoon when I take my baking break . This is going to be a big baking day for me . I 'm making half - dozen packages of Mr . Goodcookies for the bake sale at Paws and Whiskers on Sunday . I 'm making 10 dozen Mr . Goodcookies to package in half - dozen bags . It 's definitely a labor of love ! 2 . I stopped wearing skirts . Anyplace I 'd go where a skirt or dress would be appropriate I 'd use the wheelchair . Skirt in a wheelchair is not a good look ! 3 . My favorite song right now is Dear God by XTC because it 's a very passionate song . ( PLEASE see more about this song in Fragments ! ) Apple picking ! We 've , and by " we " I mean me and any members of my family that want to go , gone apple picking since Tori and Rina were a year old . They 'll be 18 next Thursday . Another great tradition that 's part of that is that I make apple chips in the dehydrator . This year I 'll be shipping apple chips to two different places for my college - girls ! I 'd never get a tattoo for real , but I wore a temporary summer tattoo in my teens and 20s ; a rose on my ankle . Trite , huh ? I 'm glad I didn 't get it permanently put on . David likes his mayo on ham sandwiches ( mayo - ick ) . I am a mustard girl . Honey mustard is the number one for pretty much any kind of meat but I like others for sandwiches , cooking and pretzels . I have 4 bottles of mustard that do all get used ; honey , spicy brown , Dijon and classic yellow . He didn 't . I didn 't either . We were already living together and he was working nights the week before Christmas , so we " went to city hall . " Yes , David worked on our " wedding night . " I scrapped . * * David and I visited Hollywood Casino for the first time since it opened in April on Labor Day . We both did the smart thing when going to a casino decide how much you 'll lose and when you 've lost that , you 're done . I did that the first time , well only time , I went to Vegas and considered myself a winner because I only lost about a third of what I planned to lose ! The truth is there 's only been one time that I went to a casino and left with more money than I came in with . John used to go the Motor City Casino in Detroit often enough that he got the occasional big coupon to Iridescence , the very hoity - toity restaurant there . That 's when he called little sis and asked me out to hoity toity dinner and some gambling . It was a chance to spend an evening with one of my closest friends , have a very nice diner with edible art dessert and donate my $ 20 to the casino while having a little fun with the draw poker machines . This was while John was playing the table games . Well , that one night , after John has spent his donation to the casino for the evening , he found me having a jolly time at a machine not noticing what the total of credits was because I knew I was winning enough that it hadn 't asked for more coins . That was back when the machines still used coins ; much more fun than putting paper money in and getting a paper slip if you win . John had looked at the credit total I was ignoring with huge eyes . " You know that credit total is eighty dollars ' worth of quarters , right ? " I lost the next few hands after realizing how much was there , so I hit the cash button and listened to almost eighty dollars in quarters , with bells , spill out of the machine . That 's why I like the old - school coin machines better than the new - fangled paper ones . Like when I cashed out of machines in Vegas , you just feel like more of a winner when the coin cup gets too heavy to carry ! On Monday , because I didn 't really want to go because I didn 't have money I wanted to donate to the casino , David gave me a gambling stipend . We found a draw poker machine I liked and he put the bill in for me and left to find the poker room . I brought my Nook and our agreement was that when he was ready to go , I 'd either be in this area playing poker or I 'd be having a latte and reading . The machines are really set up so that you win often enough and big enough or almost big enough , to make you feel like you really did well , almost won , but after a decent while , they still get the money . I like that ! Just next time I need to pick one of the machines for people who are there with people who play well and last longer ! David found me reading the end of the current book and having just finished my latte . He wasn 't a winner that night either , but I think we might go again sometime . * * We gathered up the cats for that annual trip that if you listened to them you 'd swear we were going to the violin string factory . The greatest thing about choosing a vet that is less than a mile away is the ride with the cat chorus is short . We called it playing " Meowco Purro " as Carla would sound the desperate cry from her carrier and Kaline would respond with equal pathos from hers . Carla is 12 pounds and the paperweight that sleeps on my hip is 13 ! They said it 's average for girls and they look and sound great otherwise . It 's just amazing to me because in all her 17 years , the heaviest Azzie ever was , and that was only one time she weighted in that heavy , was 8 pounds . She was usually 7 - 1 / 2 . I asked to be reassured that 12 and 13 pounds was normal and was told it 's normal . They eat light cat food , their preference , we tried to go back to regular ; they were not impressed , run and play like crazy and don 't have a ton of treats , they 're not crazy about people food either . If they were overweight , I don 't know what we 'd do . Kaline 's seasonal eye problem is allergies . We were given the choice between eye ointment like last year , pills or children 's Benadryl . We 'd had better experiences with liquids in the past , so we went with the children 's Benadryl . Yeah , that was a good idea ! We got a drop of the first dose on her tongue and she was foaming at the mouth trying to get it out . Her eye is getting better and we 'll try the medicine again if it doesn 't keep improving , but adding that much stress isn 't going to help her . * * The book I almost finished at the casino and did finish Tuesday morning was Blood and Bones by Austin Camacho . It 's the second Hannibal Jones book and I have all of the Hannibal Jones books ; three read , two more to go . I love Hannibal ! He is strong , smart and one of those champions for people . If you enjoy mysteries with a lot of action , some violence and great , but realistic , moral victories , definitely try out Austin Camacho 's Hannibal Jones mysteries ! * * About Dear God , by XTC : Don 't get this wrong ! Dear God is an old song that I 've recently become aware of and it is NOT a religious song , in that atheism is the lack of religion . The song has made me think a lot . Churches try to " save " atheists , but after listening to the lyrics , I wonder if those trying to save them have ever asked WHY they don 't believe . While people are starving , living in the streets , children and animals are abused , families are falling apart , many churches are fighting for superiority amongst themselves and government control . I really think I can understand why they don 't see God . We don 't always do a good job of showing Him . Maybe churches aren 't here to " save " the atheists ; maybe the atheists are here to save the churches . Just a little food for thought . 1 . In your opinion what 's the most important job in the world ? Oh , and parenting is a given so besides parenting , what 's the most important job in the world ? The warped society we are , you 'd think the most important jobs are athletes and celebrities followed closely by politicians and corporate CEOs . In my opinion , they are all the most overrated jobs there are . Well , at least with a corporate CEO they 've worked their way to the top , usually , but even with that to get to the very top , it is either willingly or unwillingly on the backs of lots of other people who don 't get rewarded for carrying you . When I turned 6 , my grandfather was at home after they had done everything they could at the hospital for his cancer . He was fed through a tube directly into his stomach and Noni prepared his meals in the blender . We had my 6th birthday party at their house so we could see Nono . I adored my grandfather and as the first grandchild , it was pretty much a mutual adoration . When it was time for cake , I asked Noni if she could put a piece of my cake in the blender so Nono could have some too . Everyone was saying " no , " but a voice , suddenly stronger than it had been , came from the bedroom , " YES ! " Nono wanted cake . Noni put a small piece of cake in the blender for him 3 . Peanut butter - crunchy or smooth ? PB2 ! I 've traditionally always loved crunchy for PB & J sandwiches or just eating by the tablespoonful right out of the jar . That explains the need to fins lower fat alternatives and the plus size clothing catalogues now ! I use creamy peanut butter to make Krisp Kringles at Christmas and now that 's the only time there is regular peanut butter in our house ; 1 jar a year . PB2 is real peanuts with most of the fat taken out . Just add water and it has real peanut butter taste and texture . I often have my toast without jelly when we eat out and I 'll take home a single - serve grape jelly because it matches perfectly with PB2 when I need a little childhood comfort food . 4 . William Butler Yeats is credited as saying , " Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that but simply growth , We are happy when we are growing . " Your thoughts ? I don 't think that describes happiness . It describes satisfaction which can be one of the things which creates happiness , but it 's not the end all and be all of happiness . Happiness is a choice ; a state of being that comes from everything and anything you decide will make you happy . The phrases " It is what it is " and " bucket list . " The former is an excuse to be lazy and the latter putting an expiration date on yourself . They are both incredibly pessimistic and I cringe when I hear them . To me they both sound like a cry for emotional help . 8 . Insert your own random thought here . I had a winning August . In the peel sticker Olympics thing at McDonalds , I got 2 free snack wraps and a free small smoothie . The snack wraps are things I actually eat there from time to time and the smoothie was something new . I had a pineapple - mango smoothie . I loved it ! Wonderful flavor and a good points value for an occasional snack , but at the price tells me I 'll wait to win another one or find a large sum of money on our doorstep to have it again . It was still very good ! As part of my winning August , I also won a book ! I read Pam 's review of The Divorce Girl , by Caryn Mirriam - Goldberg at Empty Nest . It sounded like a good book and she was offering a free copy to a random commenter , so I left a comment to be entered into the drawing . I got an email telling me I 'd won ! The book came in just after I 'd started Blood and Bones by Austin Camacho . I love the hero ; Hannibal Jonas and I 've collected all the books in the series to read . I finished Blood and Bones a couple days ago and decided to read The Divorce Girl next . I 'm only 21 pages in , but I like it so far . My greatest challenge with the book is that it 's a paperback ; I 've been using an e - reader for the last 2 years with the wonderful benefit of no dyslexia ! I had forgotten how much slower I read when the background is bright enough to draw my eyes into the problems I have . I 've taken a couple semesters off from school too , so for the last year , reading on paper has been newspaper and magazine articles , much easier than a book . But this book is definitely interesting enough to keep me making that effort ! I wanted to make a point of publicly saying " thank you " to Pam and every blogger who has freebies and random draws for gifts on their blog . It adds a little tangible fun to our community ! I 'll give my thoughts on the book when I finish it ! Today was the first day of classes for Acme Feline Obedience School . Carla starts this year , but she hasn 't sign on at all today . Kaline took her classes online and so is Carla , but I never knew that Kaline skipped the first day of school ! I read it in their blog , Behind Orange Eyes . Carla talked about Baggle having warned them to not go to school on the first day . I guess it 's just not something humans understand . Okay , it 's Tuesday . I have a pretty cool barn photo that I think I 'll post next Tuesday for Barn Charm Tuesday at Bluff Area Daily . It 's a very cool barn set from our Fourth of July trip . If you like barns , come back next Tuesday ! Well , I could say Digitalegacies , my video business , because it didn 't even last 2 years and I had to close it . I did a LOT of work and really believed in my concept for it , but I was really bitten by the Detroit - area economy ; laid off workers change their minds about using disposable income when none of it 's disposable anymore . Closing my business was tougher than any job I 've ever had working for someone else . TQM - I am SUCH a believer in Total Quality Management ; getting employees involved in suggestions and understanding changes that are made really gives them ownership and pride in their work and the quality as a whole benefits . I learned this from my boss at Omnicom . She was awesome and we all had an opportunity to input into the department . Her staff meetings were always empowering . Okay , with limited mobility I spend a lot of time in the house . While we had a HOT summer , I spent more days bundled up because I was cold than I did sweating . I enjoyed the really hot days when I was outside ; even if the heat was mean to my legs , it was pleasurable to the rest of me . So my tentative " last hurrah " was going our for a day trip with David , but as long as the possibility for hot days still exists , summer 's not over ! If I get the opportunity to go out on another 80s or 90s day , I 'll do it . I worry that after the really hot summer , we 'll have a really cold winter and we don 't heat as much as we cool the house . I can bundle up , but I sure like it better when I don 't have to ! Yeah , kinda , I have white shoes and black shoes , but my white shoes have always been more comfortable . But I don 't like shoes anyway . I did wear white shoes in December when we got married . We both wore dark blue , but I wore white shoes ; I was a bride , I deserved to wear white , but I deserved more to be comfortable on the day I got married ! : ) 5 . What is your favorite thing about fall ? For me , and everyone who reads this blog knows , it 's PUMPKIN SPICE SEASON ! But really , I love all the harvest flavors of fall . Eat ' N Park has their farmer 's market soup again this year , oh so good ! !
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Good smell good smell good smell good smell BEEF beans rice CHEESE tomatoes lettuce taco shells hot sauce ! < wag wag > Pet me ! Pet me ! Drop something ! Oh , drop something ! No , not the lettuce ! Drop the beef ! I love Lili . Lili always has food . Lili 's nice to me . Chef doesn 't like me in the galley . I 'm not so sure how I feel about Chef , but he usually smells good . She said , " You 're such a good little helper ! My absolute favorite ! As you can see , tonight we 're having Mexican food . I think it 'll be good for the crew . We 're in the middle of a war . At least I 'd like us to have a little fun . I don 't think it 's inappropriate ; do you ? " Chef Slocum came in . He was a big , burly man . " We can 't have him in here ! You know it 's a Health Code violation ! Go on , Porthos ! Get out ! " A little miffed , he shooed the small quadruped out and got the door closed quickly . " Lili , " he said wearily , " I know you 're new and you don 't really know anybody yet . But rules are rules . He really shouldn 't be in here . " " I know , " she allowed . " I 'm just ; I 'm already sick and tired of bad times . It 's only been maybe four months for me . But for the others , huh , I bet everyone else is , too , and you 've all been at it a lot longer than I have . He 's , uh , he 's a comforting presence , yanno ? " " Yeah , I suppose so . Look , let 's just get this done and , uh , I dunno . Call someone , or something . Just , do something for yourself tonight . " She looked up . " Shoot ! Porthos is out there in the hallway on his own . I 'll , um , I 'll make sure he 's not in any trouble and get him back to the captain 's quarters . I 'll do extra clean up , or something , to make up the time . " " My predecessor ? " she chuckled a little . " Don 't bother him on account of little ol ' me , or anything . " She adjusted her pink hair tie and then departed , and he stared at the ceiling for a second , in supplication . " She 's a decent assistant and a damned fine baker . But sometimes , eh , I dunno . " Good smell good smell good smell good smell Private Todd was here with Dave Constantine . They don 't know it yet , but they like each other . Shelby Pike is new - she saw Dan Chang here and she got angry at him because he made her feel uncomfortable . Josh Rosen threw a ball for me over there , lots and lots of times ! That was fun ! We should do that again ! Lili came over , " How ya doin ' there , my little puppy boyfriend ? " She bent down and petted him and then straightened up , cracking her back as she did so . She sighed , " I gotta say , right now , you 're my only boyfriend . " The dog licked her hand . " You 're definitely the only one who kisses me on the NX - 01 . Let 's get you back to the captain 's quarters , okay ? " They began walking , and the dog would stop and sniff the deck plating every now and then . " C ' mon , boy ! " she encouraged . There was an intercom chime . " All hands , this is the captain . Commander T ' Pol and Ensign Mayweather have informed me that we 're heading into an area with a lot of smaller spatial anomalies . Unlike other sections of the Delphic Expanse , there 's really no way for us to steer around them . " The captain paused for a moment . " All I can tell you is that , if you see something strange , if space seems to be at all distorted , try to stay away from that . If you feel strange , as if something has passed through your body , go to Sick Bay on the double . And that 's an order . Do that , no matter what you might be doing or where you might be expected . Let 's not take any chances with our health , all right ? " Lili smell oh kiss for Lili and then the magic box makes Alpha 's voice ! Jonathan Archer is Alpha ! Alpha is good , Alpha is the best . There is NOTHING better than Alpha ! Good smell hallway smells Susie Money was here four days ago and coughed or sneezed . Hoshi was here . I love Hoshi ! Hoshi and Sekar were here but they were in a hurry and didn 't stay long . " I do not believe so , " replied Data . " Our hull is considerably stronger than the NX - 01 's was . Records of that mission are severely compromised , but the available information indicates that that was the last vessel to traverse the Delphic Expanse , and their damage , at least from smaller anomalies , such as I am sensing now , was minimal . " " We 've definitely got spatial anomalies , " reported the young acting Ensign . " I 've taken the liberty of drawing up a course that 'll keep us away from the larger ones . Our shields should be able to handle the remainder . " " In a moment , " Data replied , " I wish to feed Spot . I will join you later . " The android got to his cabin , where he greeted the orange tabby . " How is my girl ? Is Spot a good cat ? Is Spot a pretty cat ? Spot is a very good cat ! " Metal Master smell , Data . Day is nearly over . He will give me food , and then I will sleep a little , and maybe play with some string . I really need to chase something . Why isn 't the ship stocked with mice ? " Right , " he agreed , adjusting the heading . They saw a spatial distortion pass through the Bridge , right past Lieutenant Reed 's Tactical station . It then almost hit the captain . There were a few sparks as it hit the turbolift door and then dissipated . Hoshi Sato , the Communications Officer , listened to something in her earpiece . " I 've got a few minor reports of anomalies , mostly on B deck . A lot of the officers ' quarters will probably have a few private possessions knocked around . Major Hayes reports that the Armory is secure but an anomaly hit the weights rack in the gym and Corporal Cole was hit by one of the smaller weights . He had Nan Myers take her to Sick Bay as a precaution . " As Data was about to place the cat food into Spot 's bowl , he felt a tremor . He hit the communicator pin on his uniform tunic . " Data to the Bridge . " " I , uh , there is a phenomenon to be investigated ; Data out . " He cut the connection before Riker could ask another question . The android bent down to the dog 's level . " Most curious . " He ran his hand along the dog 's neck and shoulders . " There is a microchip , and it is readable , but it is clearly an ancient design . Spot , " he turned to the cat , " do you know where your new friend is from ? " " So , that is a response in the negative ? " Data inquired . Spot did not respond . Data hit his communicator pin again as he straightened up . " Data to Wesley Crusher . " " In my quarters . Spot apparently has a new playmate . Yet I have never seen this dog before , and he does not appear to be attached to the ship . " " Wait , uh , we 'll be right there ; Crusher out . " Wesley turned to Geordi . " Can you wait to eat ? Data says he found a dog . " Geordi and Wesley arrived quickly . As the doors swished closed , Wesley bent down to pet the new arrival . " He seems friendly enough . Have you scanned him ? " Geordi took out a scanner . " But you 're a stranger here , I think . " He , too , began to scan the dog . " Did you check the microchip , Data ? " " What ? " asked Geordi . " That 's just over 215 years ago . " He looked over Wesley 's shoulder and read aloud , " Porthos , purebred beagle , third of four in a litter born in San Francisco on April 27 , 2149 . " He turned back to the android . " Data , how is this possible ? " " I 'm thinking that wasn 't just a spatial anomaly , " Geordi opined . " Somehow Porthos here was transported in time by the anomaly , if I had to guess . So it would be temporal as well . " He bent down and scratched the dog behind an ear . " Maybe you hit an anomaly , Porthos . " " Wait a second , " Wesley said , " we did this unit a few years ago , in class . We were studying the early Warp Program . There was a captain with a beagle ; he was the captain of the first Warp Five star ship . " " If this canine is from there , then this dog 's owner is Jonathan Archer , " stated the android . The dog barked . " It would seem that Porthos is in agreement . " New smells new people one has a mask on . Masked one puts a device on me that makes a soft high - pitched sound I can hear . Young one says , blah cow . Then he says , bah dog . Masked one says , blah blah dog , blah PORTHOS ! Captain Picard was a bit amused to be called away from his supper with Doctor Beverly Crusher to meet the strange dog in Data 's quarters . The doctor tagged along with him . " How very odd , " Picard remarked . " He seems a friendly enough chap . I suspect this is the most congenial instance we 've ever had of being boarded . " He bent down to pet the dog , which wagged a friendly greeting . " I bet he 's missed , wherever and whenever he 's from , " Wesley said . " They 've got to want him back . I know if he were my dog , I 'd want him back if he were lost . " On the NX - 01 , things were dicier . On the Bridge , Hoshi heard a message in her earpiece . " There 's a hull breach on B deck ! " " All right ; let 's do a head count , " he decided , " Malcolm , help T ' Pol ; see if you can get a more granular reading . I 'll take the intercom . " The Armory Officer got up . Lili was already on E deck and on her way back to the galley . She flipped open her communicator . " O ' Day to Slocum ; Chef , I 'm okay . " " Yes , and I apologize for the delay . I was getting a count on my animals . And it seems we 're all here , safe and secure . " " All hands , " he sighed again , " the missing individual appears to be Porthos . I , I 'll need to know who last saw him ; Archer out . " He turned to Malcolm and T ' Pol , who were still standing together . " You 'll , uh ; you 'll need to start scanning for , oh God , debris . " He got up , looking queasy and more than a little bit shaky . " I , I 'll be in my Ready Room . T ' Pol , you have command . " " Oh , then come in . " She entered the Ready Room , a place she rarely ever visited . " I , uh , I can come back , " she said as the door slid open . The captain looked terrible . " Yes , sir . Well , I was , uh , I had Porthos in the galley . We 're not supposed to , but the truth is , I 'm not friends with a lot of people yet . " She had her hair tie in her hands and was twisting it , nervous . " And so it 's a Health Code violation to have him in the galley . But I , I wanted some company , sir . " She looked as if she were about to cry as she handled the hair tie and pulled on it a little . " Will told me to get him out and so I walked him back to your quarters , sir . I closed the door and left him in there . Was , uh , did I do something wrong ? Can he trip the sensor and open the door ? " Her shaking hands threatened to shred the hair tie . " Huh , I don 't know , " he admitted . " Maybe if he gets up on his hind legs ? I don 't honestly know . " There was a communications chime , and he answered it with his desktop unit . " Yes , uh , go ahead . " " Yes , uh , sir , " mumbled Josh , who seemed to be nearly as nervous as Lili was . " We found a three - centimeter sized hole near the Aft Dorsal Phase Cannon . We patched it up and it seems to be fine . No loss of materials or functionality that we could tell and only a minimal loss of atmosphere . " " No , sir , not a one . We can continue looking , " Josh said , " but there are no more alarms going off , and we 've checked behind all of the emergency bulkheads already . I , uh , Commander Tucker should be able to confirm it , but I think we 're in the clear . " " Huh , uh , well , nice going ; Archer out . " He turned to Lili . " Porthos is way too big for a three - centimeter hole , " she stated . " I mean , right ? " It was Riker . " Sir , we - " He didn 't get a chance to complete his sentence as the ship was suddenly rocked . " Captain ! " Riker yelled . " It 's Ferengi ! " As he departed , the ship went to red alert , and the lights dimmed a bit . There was hit taken , and the temporary surge knocked out the lights . " There 'll be casualties ! " the doctor exclaimed . Engaging a small flashlight , she found her way to the door and , for a moment , there was power . This tripped the sensor . As the door slid open , unseen , two small and furry creatures ran out and the lights , again , were cut . That way smells bad , like wires are cooked . This way ! We go to Sick Bay . Sick Bay is where Alpha sends me when there is danger . Do you think Alpha is in danger ? There was a shimmer in the dark as two figures beamed in . As the lights flickered on and off , they could be seen a bit . They had large heads with huge ears - Ferengi . The ship was rocked again as the shorter one considered his response . " Rule Number 62 says - the riskier the road , the greater the profit . " The lights flickered off and on again . " Let 's just get something fast . Get in , and get out , I always say . " Security was coming . They 'd have to act quickly . They scooped up the closer of the two furred things . " It is , I think it is called a cat , " said the short one . As he pulled out a communicator , he was attacked . The tall one says , blah blah out . The short one says blah blah yes blah . Good smell Security smell phaser sound phaser smell Spot are you all right ? SPOT ! The dog began biting , and then barking , as the cat hissed and scratched . Both of the Ferengi were being roughed up . The shorter one threw the cat as far away as he could , and the animal hit a wall with a disturbing - sounding yowl . The lights flickered again , and finally came back on for good . A Klingon , Worf , was on the Security team . He engaged his communicator . " The intruders are gone , " he reported , " but Spot appears to have been injured . " She got there as quickly as she could . By that time , Data , Geordi and Wes had returned to the area . They stood by , off to the side . Porthos , also agitated , shifted his weight from paw to paw . Beverly knelt down in order to run a scanner over her little patient . " Huh . They broke a few ribs . That can be fixed quickly . " She tapped her communicator pin . " Crusher to transporter ; beam me directly to Sick Bay . " She held onto the cat , which looked up at her with golden eyes but did not scratch . In Sick Bay , Beverly worked on her patient . The doors swished open , revealing Wesley , Geordi and Data . And , behind them , there was a canine visitor as well . Nurse Ogawa crouched down to address Spot 's canine visitor directly . " I 'm sorry but you can 't sit here with Spot . We have to work on him . You 'll have to wait outside . " The dog tilted his head but made no move to get up . She straightened up . " I guess Spot 's got a visitor . " The doctor leaned over and worked a device that glowed a little . " Ah , there ! Good as new . " She handed the bone - knitting laser to Nurse Ogawa . " I believe we can discharge the patient . " They let the cat onto the floor and the dog immediately started wagging his tail . Better now . Doctor is good . It is good when Metal Master is here . Metal Master does not get afraid the way we know , not the usual way . Understood , but Metal Master seems to smell a little afraid anyway . I could smell young human Wesley 's fear , nurse 's concentration , doctor 's concentration , and masked one 's fear . I smelled your fear , too , Spot . I smell something from the Metal Master , too . You are right . There is a chemical change . It is subtle . It is slight . But Metal Master does feel fear . I miss Alpha , Spot . I think Alpha is afraid without me . In Ten Forward , Guinan , the proprietress , set down small bowls for both Spot and Porthos as Wesley and Geordi finally had their dinners and the captain and the doctor went to sit at a separate table nearby . " He 's a good guest , " Guinan stated , referring to Porthos . " But he 's got to get back . How do you think he got here in the first place ? " " I would speculate , " Data opined , " that he was not beamed here . His appearance has coincided with a rather large spatial anomaly . It would appear that the anomaly was temporal in nature as well . " " The reverse would be true , too , right ? " Geordi asked . " I mean , we 're responsible people . If we had information that said he 'd made it , we wouldn 't just keep him . We 'd send him through . " Finished with dinner , they went back to Data 's quarters . Wes began clicking around on Data 's desktop computer . " Damn , this is no good . " " I won 't send him to his death , " Wes declared , " but someone is looking for Porthos . Archer , I 'm sure ; he 's gotta be really worried . What should we do ? " But they smell sad and confused , Spot . I think they do not know how to get to Alpha . Spot , I want to go home now . I am worried about Alpha . Malcolm thought for a few seconds . " We could fire a phase cannon directly at a sphere . That could stimulate it to produce more gravimetric energy , thereby inducing a spatial anomaly , I 'll wager . " " Work with T ' Pol on that , " Captain Archer commanded . The Vulcan eyebrow was raised slightly , so he added , " But not so as to compromise our weapons systems at all . We still have a job to do , Porthos or , uh , no Porthos . " Lili put a hand on his arm and he jumped . " Sir , " she said , " since it happened in your quarters , maybe he 'll come back to your quarters . I can , uh , if you don 't mind dinner being a little late , I could wait . And you would , uh , you would tell me how long to wait , that sort of thing , okay ? " " All right , Ensign . " She departed , and he looked at Malcolm and T ' Pol , who were still working . " I realize we have a mission , and maybe this seems a little frivolous . But , … . " " Porthos is a valued member of this crew , " was the unexpected Vulcan reply . " He is necessary for morale . It is only logical that we attempt to retrieve him , if we can do so without jeopardizing our overall mission . " " There remain any numbers of minor gravimetric distortions in the Delphic Expanse , " Data stated . " These are the darkened vestiges of the spheres which the NX - 01 itself destroyed over two centuries ago . Returning to our original precise coordinates when Porthos came onto the ship , I believe that action could prove to be of value in terms of returning him . " " He was in the bathroom in my quarters . " The android thought for a moment . " We should do our best to duplicate the initial conditions . I will speak with the captain . " He engaged his communicator . " Data to Captain Picard . " Data paused and then knelt down and spoke to Porthos and Spot directly . " We are attempting to return you to your former location and your correct time period . It is our intention that you be safely returned , however , we have no way of confirming that . " Good smell good smell good smell metal smell . Metal Master says blah blah Porthos blah blah safe . Pet me pet me < wag > < wag > . Metal Master is nice , Spot . They do not , either . We must say good - bye , and I do not even know if I will survive . All I want is to smell Alpha again . Spot , before they try to send me back , can you tell me what your real name is ? You said that Metal Master did not know it , and no one did , and they did not use it . I want to use it . I want to call you by your correct name . Yes , I will tell you , Porthos . My real name is Princess Spot . All cats give themselves their own names . It is up to those around them to determine them . But you , you are different , and I know you will be gone soon . And so I have told you mine . I want you to , one time , come to Metal Master when he calls you Spot . He thinks it is your whole name . Let him think that . Even though he is a Metal Master , I think that will make him happy . I know cats do not always try to make their humans happy , at least , not the way that dogs do . You are more independent than we are . Yet I know you love your humans as much as we do . Play with some string when you can , like we cats do . You will learn what fun it is . It is good when you are alone . It is my favorite game . Lili O ' Day stood in Captain Archer 's quarters and saw a small ripple appear in the air , shimmering . She held her arms out and caught Porthos , who flew in , seemingly from nowhere . She staggered back a little with the force of reentry . " Gotcha ! " she called out happily . She put the dog down . " Let 's go to the Bridge . " She flipped open her communicator as they walked . " O ' Day to Archer . Sir , I 've got someone who really wants to see you . " On the Enterprise - D , the anomaly dissipated quickly , and Porthos was gone . Geordi blinked a few times . " Do you think we were successful , Data ? " On the Bridge of the NX - 01 , there was a joyful reunion . Even T ' Pol deigned to pat the peripatetic canid . Lili stood there , a bit unsure of whether she should stay . She nervously fiddled with her hair tie even more , and pulled on it too much . It finally snapped , and went sailing past the Tactical station as Lieutenant Reed watched . " Could you please escort him back to my quarters ? We 'll tell Chef that you 'll be later than expected . And , uh , if you can spare a few minutes , maybe play with him a little , okay ? " She looked at him in disbelief so he added , " Should I make that an order ? " " Uh , it 's okay . I 'll do it , sir . " She smiled . " Hey , Porthos , let 's go ! Yes , you can bring my old hair tie . You know you 're my favorite guy . " All 's well that end 's well . Fun little story of the exploits of two of Trek 's most iconic pets joining forces at last . Who said that time traveling adventure is reserved only for bipedaled humanoids ? Just read the first entry , and I 'm enjoying it so far . Except for one detail - why would Troi be able to sense temporal or spatial anomalies ? She senses * emotions * . Loved it ! The difference between cats and dogs was spot on ( um . . . excuse the pun ? ) and I 'm glad they were able to work together to get their humans to help out . Makes me wonder what my Shy 's true name is - we call her so many different things , though , we 're bound to hit upon it eventually . Princess Shy is always good . Thank you ! ! I don 't know cats as well as dogs . I 'm so glad I got the mannerisms right .
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Good smell good smell good smell good smell BEEF beans rice CHEESE tomatoes lettuce taco shells hot sauce ! < wag wag > Pet me ! Pet me ! Drop something ! Oh , drop something ! No , not the lettuce ! Drop the beef ! I love Lili . Lili always has food . Lili 's nice to me . Chef doesn 't like me in the galley . I 'm not so sure how I feel about Chef , but he usually smells good . She said , " You 're such a good little helper ! My absolute favorite ! As you can see , tonight we 're having Mexican food . I think it 'll be good for the crew . We 're in the middle of a war . At least I 'd like us to have a little fun . I don 't think it 's inappropriate ; do you ? " Chef Slocum came in . He was a big , burly man . " We can 't have him in here ! You know it 's a Health Code violation ! Go on , Porthos ! Get out ! " A little miffed , he shooed the small quadruped out and got the door closed quickly . " Lili , " he said wearily , " I know you 're new and you don 't really know anybody yet . But rules are rules . He really shouldn 't be in here . " " I know , " she allowed . " I 'm just ; I 'm already sick and tired of bad times . It 's only been maybe four months for me . But for the others , huh , I bet everyone else is , too , and you 've all been at it a lot longer than I have . He 's , uh , he 's a comforting presence , yanno ? " " Yeah , I suppose so . Look , let 's just get this done and , uh , I dunno . Call someone , or something . Just , do something for yourself tonight . " She looked up . " Shoot ! Porthos is out there in the hallway on his own . I 'll , um , I 'll make sure he 's not in any trouble and get him back to the captain 's quarters . I 'll do extra clean up , or something , to make up the time . " " My predecessor ? " she chuckled a little . " Don 't bother him on account of little ol ' me , or anything . " She adjusted her pink hair tie and then departed , and he stared at the ceiling for a second , in supplication . " She 's a decent assistant and a damned fine baker . But sometimes , eh , I dunno . " Good smell good smell good smell good smell Private Todd was here with Dave Constantine . They don 't know it yet , but they like each other . Shelby Pike is new - she saw Dan Chang here and she got angry at him because he made her feel uncomfortable . Josh Rosen threw a ball for me over there , lots and lots of times ! That was fun ! We should do that again ! Lili came over , " How ya doin ' there , my little puppy boyfriend ? " She bent down and petted him and then straightened up , cracking her back as she did so . She sighed , " I gotta say , right now , you 're my only boyfriend . " The dog licked her hand . " You 're definitely the only one who kisses me on the NX - 01 . Let 's get you back to the captain 's quarters , okay ? " They began walking , and the dog would stop and sniff the deck plating every now and then . " C ' mon , boy ! " she encouraged . There was an intercom chime . " All hands , this is the captain . Commander T ' Pol and Ensign Mayweather have informed me that we 're heading into an area with a lot of smaller spatial anomalies . Unlike other sections of the Delphic Expanse , there 's really no way for us to steer around them . " The captain paused for a moment . " All I can tell you is that , if you see something strange , if space seems to be at all distorted , try to stay away from that . If you feel strange , as if something has passed through your body , go to Sick Bay on the double . And that 's an order . Do that , no matter what you might be doing or where you might be expected . Let 's not take any chances with our health , all right ? " Lili smell oh kiss for Lili and then the magic box makes Alpha 's voice ! Jonathan Archer is Alpha ! Alpha is good , Alpha is the best . There is NOTHING better than Alpha ! Good smell hallway smells Susie Money was here four days ago and coughed or sneezed . Hoshi was here . I love Hoshi ! Hoshi and Sekar were here but they were in a hurry and didn 't stay long . " I do not believe so , " replied Data . " Our hull is considerably stronger than the NX - 01 's was . Records of that mission are severely compromised , but the available information indicates that that was the last vessel to traverse the Delphic Expanse , and their damage , at least from smaller anomalies , such as I am sensing now , was minimal . " " We 've definitely got spatial anomalies , " reported the young acting Ensign . " I 've taken the liberty of drawing up a course that 'll keep us away from the larger ones . Our shields should be able to handle the remainder . " " In a moment , " Data replied , " I wish to feed Spot . I will join you later . " The android got to his cabin , where he greeted the orange tabby . " How is my girl ? Is Spot a good cat ? Is Spot a pretty cat ? Spot is a very good cat ! " Metal Master smell , Data . Day is nearly over . He will give me food , and then I will sleep a little , and maybe play with some string . I really need to chase something . Why isn 't the ship stocked with mice ? " Right , " he agreed , adjusting the heading . They saw a spatial distortion pass through the Bridge , right past Lieutenant Reed 's Tactical station . It then almost hit the captain . There were a few sparks as it hit the turbolift door and then dissipated . Hoshi Sato , the Communications Officer , listened to something in her earpiece . " I 've got a few minor reports of anomalies , mostly on B deck . A lot of the officers ' quarters will probably have a few private possessions knocked around . Major Hayes reports that the Armory is secure but an anomaly hit the weights rack in the gym and Corporal Cole was hit by one of the smaller weights . He had Nan Myers take her to Sick Bay as a precaution . " As Data was about to place the cat food into Spot 's bowl , he felt a tremor . He hit the communicator pin on his uniform tunic . " Data to the Bridge . " " I , uh , there is a phenomenon to be investigated ; Data out . " He cut the connection before Riker could ask another question . The android bent down to the dog 's level . " Most curious . " He ran his hand along the dog 's neck and shoulders . " There is a microchip , and it is readable , but it is clearly an ancient design . Spot , " he turned to the cat , " do you know where your new friend is from ? " " So , that is a response in the negative ? " Data inquired . Spot did not respond . Data hit his communicator pin again as he straightened up . " Data to Wesley Crusher . " " In my quarters . Spot apparently has a new playmate . Yet I have never seen this dog before , and he does not appear to be attached to the ship . " " Wait , uh , we 'll be right there ; Crusher out . " Wesley turned to Geordi . " Can you wait to eat ? Data says he found a dog . " Geordi and Wesley arrived quickly . As the doors swished closed , Wesley bent down to pet the new arrival . " He seems friendly enough . Have you scanned him ? " Geordi took out a scanner . " But you 're a stranger here , I think . " He , too , began to scan the dog . " Did you check the microchip , Data ? " " What ? " asked Geordi . " That 's just over 215 years ago . " He looked over Wesley 's shoulder and read aloud , " Porthos , purebred beagle , third of four in a litter born in San Francisco on April 27 , 2149 . " He turned back to the android . " Data , how is this possible ? " " I 'm thinking that wasn 't just a spatial anomaly , " Geordi opined . " Somehow Porthos here was transported in time by the anomaly , if I had to guess . So it would be temporal as well . " He bent down and scratched the dog behind an ear . " Maybe you hit an anomaly , Porthos . " " Wait a second , " Wesley said , " we did this unit a few years ago , in class . We were studying the early Warp Program . There was a captain with a beagle ; he was the captain of the first Warp Five star ship . " " If this canine is from there , then this dog 's owner is Jonathan Archer , " stated the android . The dog barked . " It would seem that Porthos is in agreement . " New smells new people one has a mask on . Masked one puts a device on me that makes a soft high - pitched sound I can hear . Young one says , blah cow . Then he says , bah dog . Masked one says , blah blah dog , blah PORTHOS ! Captain Picard was a bit amused to be called away from his supper with Doctor Beverly Crusher to meet the strange dog in Data 's quarters . The doctor tagged along with him . " How very odd , " Picard remarked . " He seems a friendly enough chap . I suspect this is the most congenial instance we 've ever had of being boarded . " He bent down to pet the dog , which wagged a friendly greeting . " I bet he 's missed , wherever and whenever he 's from , " Wesley said . " They 've got to want him back . I know if he were my dog , I 'd want him back if he were lost . " On the NX - 01 , things were dicier . On the Bridge , Hoshi heard a message in her earpiece . " There 's a hull breach on B deck ! " " All right ; let 's do a head count , " he decided , " Malcolm , help T ' Pol ; see if you can get a more granular reading . I 'll take the intercom . " The Armory Officer got up . Lili was already on E deck and on her way back to the galley . She flipped open her communicator . " O ' Day to Slocum ; Chef , I 'm okay . " " Yes , and I apologize for the delay . I was getting a count on my animals . And it seems we 're all here , safe and secure . " " All hands , " he sighed again , " the missing individual appears to be Porthos . I , I 'll need to know who last saw him ; Archer out . " He turned to Malcolm and T ' Pol , who were still standing together . " You 'll , uh ; you 'll need to start scanning for , oh God , debris . " He got up , looking queasy and more than a little bit shaky . " I , I 'll be in my Ready Room . T ' Pol , you have command . " " Oh , then come in . " She entered the Ready Room , a place she rarely ever visited . " I , uh , I can come back , " she said as the door slid open . The captain looked terrible . " Yes , sir . Well , I was , uh , I had Porthos in the galley . We 're not supposed to , but the truth is , I 'm not friends with a lot of people yet . " She had her hair tie in her hands and was twisting it , nervous . " And so it 's a Health Code violation to have him in the galley . But I , I wanted some company , sir . " She looked as if she were about to cry as she handled the hair tie and pulled on it a little . " Will told me to get him out and so I walked him back to your quarters , sir . I closed the door and left him in there . Was , uh , did I do something wrong ? Can he trip the sensor and open the door ? " Her shaking hands threatened to shred the hair tie . " Huh , I don 't know , " he admitted . " Maybe if he gets up on his hind legs ? I don 't honestly know . " There was a communications chime , and he answered it with his desktop unit . " Yes , uh , go ahead . " " Yes , uh , sir , " mumbled Josh , who seemed to be nearly as nervous as Lili was . " We found a three - centimeter sized hole near the Aft Dorsal Phase Cannon . We patched it up and it seems to be fine . No loss of materials or functionality that we could tell and only a minimal loss of atmosphere . " " No , sir , not a one . We can continue looking , " Josh said , " but there are no more alarms going off , and we 've checked behind all of the emergency bulkheads already . I , uh , Commander Tucker should be able to confirm it , but I think we 're in the clear . " " Huh , uh , well , nice going ; Archer out . " He turned to Lili . " Porthos is way too big for a three - centimeter hole , " she stated . " I mean , right ? " It was Riker . " Sir , we - " He didn 't get a chance to complete his sentence as the ship was suddenly rocked . " Captain ! " Riker yelled . " It 's Ferengi ! " As he departed , the ship went to red alert , and the lights dimmed a bit . There was hit taken , and the temporary surge knocked out the lights . " There 'll be casualties ! " the doctor exclaimed . Engaging a small flashlight , she found her way to the door and , for a moment , there was power . This tripped the sensor . As the door slid open , unseen , two small and furry creatures ran out and the lights , again , were cut . That way smells bad , like wires are cooked . This way ! We go to Sick Bay . Sick Bay is where Alpha sends me when there is danger . Do you think Alpha is in danger ? There was a shimmer in the dark as two figures beamed in . As the lights flickered on and off , they could be seen a bit . They had large heads with huge ears - Ferengi . The ship was rocked again as the shorter one considered his response . " Rule Number 62 says - the riskier the road , the greater the profit . " The lights flickered off and on again . " Let 's just get something fast . Get in , and get out , I always say . " Security was coming . They 'd have to act quickly . They scooped up the closer of the two furred things . " It is , I think it is called a cat , " said the short one . As he pulled out a communicator , he was attacked . The tall one says , blah blah out . The short one says blah blah yes blah . Good smell Security smell phaser sound phaser smell Spot are you all right ? SPOT ! The dog began biting , and then barking , as the cat hissed and scratched . Both of the Ferengi were being roughed up . The shorter one threw the cat as far away as he could , and the animal hit a wall with a disturbing - sounding yowl . The lights flickered again , and finally came back on for good . A Klingon , Worf , was on the Security team . He engaged his communicator . " The intruders are gone , " he reported , " but Spot appears to have been injured . " She got there as quickly as she could . By that time , Data , Geordi and Wes had returned to the area . They stood by , off to the side . Porthos , also agitated , shifted his weight from paw to paw . Beverly knelt down in order to run a scanner over her little patient . " Huh . They broke a few ribs . That can be fixed quickly . " She tapped her communicator pin . " Crusher to transporter ; beam me directly to Sick Bay . " She held onto the cat , which looked up at her with golden eyes but did not scratch . In Sick Bay , Beverly worked on her patient . The doors swished open , revealing Wesley , Geordi and Data . And , behind them , there was a canine visitor as well . Nurse Ogawa crouched down to address Spot 's canine visitor directly . " I 'm sorry but you can 't sit here with Spot . We have to work on him . You 'll have to wait outside . " The dog tilted his head but made no move to get up . She straightened up . " I guess Spot 's got a visitor . " The doctor leaned over and worked a device that glowed a little . " Ah , there ! Good as new . " She handed the bone - knitting laser to Nurse Ogawa . " I believe we can discharge the patient . " They let the cat onto the floor and the dog immediately started wagging his tail . Better now . Doctor is good . It is good when Metal Master is here . Metal Master does not get afraid the way we know , not the usual way . Understood , but Metal Master seems to smell a little afraid anyway . I could smell young human Wesley 's fear , nurse 's concentration , doctor 's concentration , and masked one 's fear . I smelled your fear , too , Spot . I smell something from the Metal Master , too . You are right . There is a chemical change . It is subtle . It is slight . But Metal Master does feel fear . I miss Alpha , Spot . I think Alpha is afraid without me . In Ten Forward , Guinan , the proprietress , set down small bowls for both Spot and Porthos as Wesley and Geordi finally had their dinners and the captain and the doctor went to sit at a separate table nearby . " He 's a good guest , " Guinan stated , referring to Porthos . " But he 's got to get back . How do you think he got here in the first place ? " " I would speculate , " Data opined , " that he was not beamed here . His appearance has coincided with a rather large spatial anomaly . It would appear that the anomaly was temporal in nature as well . " " The reverse would be true , too , right ? " Geordi asked . " I mean , we 're responsible people . If we had information that said he 'd made it , we wouldn 't just keep him . We 'd send him through . " Finished with dinner , they went back to Data 's quarters . Wes began clicking around on Data 's desktop computer . " Damn , this is no good . " " I won 't send him to his death , " Wes declared , " but someone is looking for Porthos . Archer , I 'm sure ; he 's gotta be really worried . What should we do ? " But they smell sad and confused , Spot . I think they do not know how to get to Alpha . Spot , I want to go home now . I am worried about Alpha . Malcolm thought for a few seconds . " We could fire a phase cannon directly at a sphere . That could stimulate it to produce more gravimetric energy , thereby inducing a spatial anomaly , I 'll wager . " " Work with T ' Pol on that , " Captain Archer commanded . The Vulcan eyebrow was raised slightly , so he added , " But not so as to compromise our weapons systems at all . We still have a job to do , Porthos or , uh , no Porthos . " Lili put a hand on his arm and he jumped . " Sir , " she said , " since it happened in your quarters , maybe he 'll come back to your quarters . I can , uh , if you don 't mind dinner being a little late , I could wait . And you would , uh , you would tell me how long to wait , that sort of thing , okay ? " " All right , Ensign . " She departed , and he looked at Malcolm and T ' Pol , who were still working . " I realize we have a mission , and maybe this seems a little frivolous . But , … . " " Porthos is a valued member of this crew , " was the unexpected Vulcan reply . " He is necessary for morale . It is only logical that we attempt to retrieve him , if we can do so without jeopardizing our overall mission . " " There remain any numbers of minor gravimetric distortions in the Delphic Expanse , " Data stated . " These are the darkened vestiges of the spheres which the NX - 01 itself destroyed over two centuries ago . Returning to our original precise coordinates when Porthos came onto the ship , I believe that action could prove to be of value in terms of returning him . " " He was in the bathroom in my quarters . " The android thought for a moment . " We should do our best to duplicate the initial conditions . I will speak with the captain . " He engaged his communicator . " Data to Captain Picard . " Data paused and then knelt down and spoke to Porthos and Spot directly . " We are attempting to return you to your former location and your correct time period . It is our intention that you be safely returned , however , we have no way of confirming that . " Good smell good smell good smell metal smell . Metal Master says blah blah Porthos blah blah safe . Pet me pet me < wag > < wag > . Metal Master is nice , Spot . They do not , either . We must say good - bye , and I do not even know if I will survive . All I want is to smell Alpha again . Spot , before they try to send me back , can you tell me what your real name is ? You said that Metal Master did not know it , and no one did , and they did not use it . I want to use it . I want to call you by your correct name . Yes , I will tell you , Porthos . My real name is Princess Spot . All cats give themselves their own names . It is up to those around them to determine them . But you , you are different , and I know you will be gone soon . And so I have told you mine . I want you to , one time , come to Metal Master when he calls you Spot . He thinks it is your whole name . Let him think that . Even though he is a Metal Master , I think that will make him happy . I know cats do not always try to make their humans happy , at least , not the way that dogs do . You are more independent than we are . Yet I know you love your humans as much as we do . Play with some string when you can , like we cats do . You will learn what fun it is . It is good when you are alone . It is my favorite game . Lili O ' Day stood in Captain Archer 's quarters and saw a small ripple appear in the air , shimmering . She held her arms out and caught Porthos , who flew in , seemingly from nowhere . She staggered back a little with the force of reentry . " Gotcha ! " she called out happily . She put the dog down . " Let 's go to the Bridge . " She flipped open her communicator as they walked . " O ' Day to Archer . Sir , I 've got someone who really wants to see you . " On the Enterprise - D , the anomaly dissipated quickly , and Porthos was gone . Geordi blinked a few times . " Do you think we were successful , Data ? " On the Bridge of the NX - 01 , there was a joyful reunion . Even T ' Pol deigned to pat the peripatetic canid . Lili stood there , a bit unsure of whether she should stay . She nervously fiddled with her hair tie even more , and pulled on it too much . It finally snapped , and went sailing past the Tactical station as Lieutenant Reed watched . " Could you please escort him back to my quarters ? We 'll tell Chef that you 'll be later than expected . And , uh , if you can spare a few minutes , maybe play with him a little , okay ? " She looked at him in disbelief so he added , " Should I make that an order ? " " Uh , it 's okay . I 'll do it , sir . " She smiled . " Hey , Porthos , let 's go ! Yes , you can bring my old hair tie . You know you 're my favorite guy . " All 's well that end 's well . Fun little story of the exploits of two of Trek 's most iconic pets joining forces at last . Who said that time traveling adventure is reserved only for bipedaled humanoids ? Just read the first entry , and I 'm enjoying it so far . Except for one detail - why would Troi be able to sense temporal or spatial anomalies ? She senses * emotions * . Loved it ! The difference between cats and dogs was spot on ( um . . . excuse the pun ? ) and I 'm glad they were able to work together to get their humans to help out . Makes me wonder what my Shy 's true name is - we call her so many different things , though , we 're bound to hit upon it eventually . Princess Shy is always good . Thank you ! ! I don 't know cats as well as dogs . I 'm so glad I got the mannerisms right .
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Good smell good smell good smell good smell BEEF beans rice CHEESE tomatoes lettuce taco shells hot sauce ! < wag wag > Pet me ! Pet me ! Drop something ! Oh , drop something ! No , not the lettuce ! Drop the beef ! I love Lili . Lili always has food . Lili 's nice to me . Chef doesn 't like me in the galley . I 'm not so sure how I feel about Chef , but he usually smells good . She said , " You 're such a good little helper ! My absolute favorite ! As you can see , tonight we 're having Mexican food . I think it 'll be good for the crew . We 're in the middle of a war . At least I 'd like us to have a little fun . I don 't think it 's inappropriate ; do you ? " Chef Slocum came in . He was a big , burly man . " We can 't have him in here ! You know it 's a Health Code violation ! Go on , Porthos ! Get out ! " A little miffed , he shooed the small quadruped out and got the door closed quickly . " Lili , " he said wearily , " I know you 're new and you don 't really know anybody yet . But rules are rules . He really shouldn 't be in here . " " I know , " she allowed . " I 'm just ; I 'm already sick and tired of bad times . It 's only been maybe four months for me . But for the others , huh , I bet everyone else is , too , and you 've all been at it a lot longer than I have . He 's , uh , he 's a comforting presence , yanno ? " " Yeah , I suppose so . Look , let 's just get this done and , uh , I dunno . Call someone , or something . Just , do something for yourself tonight . " She looked up . " Shoot ! Porthos is out there in the hallway on his own . I 'll , um , I 'll make sure he 's not in any trouble and get him back to the captain 's quarters . I 'll do extra clean up , or something , to make up the time . " " My predecessor ? " she chuckled a little . " Don 't bother him on account of little ol ' me , or anything . " She adjusted her pink hair tie and then departed , and he stared at the ceiling for a second , in supplication . " She 's a decent assistant and a damned fine baker . But sometimes , eh , I dunno . " Good smell good smell good smell good smell Private Todd was here with Dave Constantine . They don 't know it yet , but they like each other . Shelby Pike is new - she saw Dan Chang here and she got angry at him because he made her feel uncomfortable . Josh Rosen threw a ball for me over there , lots and lots of times ! That was fun ! We should do that again ! Lili came over , " How ya doin ' there , my little puppy boyfriend ? " She bent down and petted him and then straightened up , cracking her back as she did so . She sighed , " I gotta say , right now , you 're my only boyfriend . " The dog licked her hand . " You 're definitely the only one who kisses me on the NX - 01 . Let 's get you back to the captain 's quarters , okay ? " They began walking , and the dog would stop and sniff the deck plating every now and then . " C ' mon , boy ! " she encouraged . There was an intercom chime . " All hands , this is the captain . Commander T ' Pol and Ensign Mayweather have informed me that we 're heading into an area with a lot of smaller spatial anomalies . Unlike other sections of the Delphic Expanse , there 's really no way for us to steer around them . " The captain paused for a moment . " All I can tell you is that , if you see something strange , if space seems to be at all distorted , try to stay away from that . If you feel strange , as if something has passed through your body , go to Sick Bay on the double . And that 's an order . Do that , no matter what you might be doing or where you might be expected . Let 's not take any chances with our health , all right ? " Lili smell oh kiss for Lili and then the magic box makes Alpha 's voice ! Jonathan Archer is Alpha ! Alpha is good , Alpha is the best . There is NOTHING better than Alpha ! Good smell hallway smells Susie Money was here four days ago and coughed or sneezed . Hoshi was here . I love Hoshi ! Hoshi and Sekar were here but they were in a hurry and didn 't stay long . " I do not believe so , " replied Data . " Our hull is considerably stronger than the NX - 01 's was . Records of that mission are severely compromised , but the available information indicates that that was the last vessel to traverse the Delphic Expanse , and their damage , at least from smaller anomalies , such as I am sensing now , was minimal . " " We 've definitely got spatial anomalies , " reported the young acting Ensign . " I 've taken the liberty of drawing up a course that 'll keep us away from the larger ones . Our shields should be able to handle the remainder . " " In a moment , " Data replied , " I wish to feed Spot . I will join you later . " The android got to his cabin , where he greeted the orange tabby . " How is my girl ? Is Spot a good cat ? Is Spot a pretty cat ? Spot is a very good cat ! " Metal Master smell , Data . Day is nearly over . He will give me food , and then I will sleep a little , and maybe play with some string . I really need to chase something . Why isn 't the ship stocked with mice ? " Right , " he agreed , adjusting the heading . They saw a spatial distortion pass through the Bridge , right past Lieutenant Reed 's Tactical station . It then almost hit the captain . There were a few sparks as it hit the turbolift door and then dissipated . Hoshi Sato , the Communications Officer , listened to something in her earpiece . " I 've got a few minor reports of anomalies , mostly on B deck . A lot of the officers ' quarters will probably have a few private possessions knocked around . Major Hayes reports that the Armory is secure but an anomaly hit the weights rack in the gym and Corporal Cole was hit by one of the smaller weights . He had Nan Myers take her to Sick Bay as a precaution . " As Data was about to place the cat food into Spot 's bowl , he felt a tremor . He hit the communicator pin on his uniform tunic . " Data to the Bridge . " " I , uh , there is a phenomenon to be investigated ; Data out . " He cut the connection before Riker could ask another question . The android bent down to the dog 's level . " Most curious . " He ran his hand along the dog 's neck and shoulders . " There is a microchip , and it is readable , but it is clearly an ancient design . Spot , " he turned to the cat , " do you know where your new friend is from ? " " So , that is a response in the negative ? " Data inquired . Spot did not respond . Data hit his communicator pin again as he straightened up . " Data to Wesley Crusher . " " In my quarters . Spot apparently has a new playmate . Yet I have never seen this dog before , and he does not appear to be attached to the ship . " " Wait , uh , we 'll be right there ; Crusher out . " Wesley turned to Geordi . " Can you wait to eat ? Data says he found a dog . " Geordi and Wesley arrived quickly . As the doors swished closed , Wesley bent down to pet the new arrival . " He seems friendly enough . Have you scanned him ? " Geordi took out a scanner . " But you 're a stranger here , I think . " He , too , began to scan the dog . " Did you check the microchip , Data ? " " What ? " asked Geordi . " That 's just over 215 years ago . " He looked over Wesley 's shoulder and read aloud , " Porthos , purebred beagle , third of four in a litter born in San Francisco on April 27 , 2149 . " He turned back to the android . " Data , how is this possible ? " " I 'm thinking that wasn 't just a spatial anomaly , " Geordi opined . " Somehow Porthos here was transported in time by the anomaly , if I had to guess . So it would be temporal as well . " He bent down and scratched the dog behind an ear . " Maybe you hit an anomaly , Porthos . " " Wait a second , " Wesley said , " we did this unit a few years ago , in class . We were studying the early Warp Program . There was a captain with a beagle ; he was the captain of the first Warp Five star ship . " " If this canine is from there , then this dog 's owner is Jonathan Archer , " stated the android . The dog barked . " It would seem that Porthos is in agreement . " New smells new people one has a mask on . Masked one puts a device on me that makes a soft high - pitched sound I can hear . Young one says , blah cow . Then he says , bah dog . Masked one says , blah blah dog , blah PORTHOS ! Captain Picard was a bit amused to be called away from his supper with Doctor Beverly Crusher to meet the strange dog in Data 's quarters . The doctor tagged along with him . " How very odd , " Picard remarked . " He seems a friendly enough chap . I suspect this is the most congenial instance we 've ever had of being boarded . " He bent down to pet the dog , which wagged a friendly greeting . " I bet he 's missed , wherever and whenever he 's from , " Wesley said . " They 've got to want him back . I know if he were my dog , I 'd want him back if he were lost . " On the NX - 01 , things were dicier . On the Bridge , Hoshi heard a message in her earpiece . " There 's a hull breach on B deck ! " " All right ; let 's do a head count , " he decided , " Malcolm , help T ' Pol ; see if you can get a more granular reading . I 'll take the intercom . " The Armory Officer got up . Lili was already on E deck and on her way back to the galley . She flipped open her communicator . " O ' Day to Slocum ; Chef , I 'm okay . " " Yes , and I apologize for the delay . I was getting a count on my animals . And it seems we 're all here , safe and secure . " " All hands , " he sighed again , " the missing individual appears to be Porthos . I , I 'll need to know who last saw him ; Archer out . " He turned to Malcolm and T ' Pol , who were still standing together . " You 'll , uh ; you 'll need to start scanning for , oh God , debris . " He got up , looking queasy and more than a little bit shaky . " I , I 'll be in my Ready Room . T ' Pol , you have command . " " Oh , then come in . " She entered the Ready Room , a place she rarely ever visited . " I , uh , I can come back , " she said as the door slid open . The captain looked terrible . " Yes , sir . Well , I was , uh , I had Porthos in the galley . We 're not supposed to , but the truth is , I 'm not friends with a lot of people yet . " She had her hair tie in her hands and was twisting it , nervous . " And so it 's a Health Code violation to have him in the galley . But I , I wanted some company , sir . " She looked as if she were about to cry as she handled the hair tie and pulled on it a little . " Will told me to get him out and so I walked him back to your quarters , sir . I closed the door and left him in there . Was , uh , did I do something wrong ? Can he trip the sensor and open the door ? " Her shaking hands threatened to shred the hair tie . " Huh , I don 't know , " he admitted . " Maybe if he gets up on his hind legs ? I don 't honestly know . " There was a communications chime , and he answered it with his desktop unit . " Yes , uh , go ahead . " " Yes , uh , sir , " mumbled Josh , who seemed to be nearly as nervous as Lili was . " We found a three - centimeter sized hole near the Aft Dorsal Phase Cannon . We patched it up and it seems to be fine . No loss of materials or functionality that we could tell and only a minimal loss of atmosphere . " " No , sir , not a one . We can continue looking , " Josh said , " but there are no more alarms going off , and we 've checked behind all of the emergency bulkheads already . I , uh , Commander Tucker should be able to confirm it , but I think we 're in the clear . " " Huh , uh , well , nice going ; Archer out . " He turned to Lili . " Porthos is way too big for a three - centimeter hole , " she stated . " I mean , right ? " It was Riker . " Sir , we - " He didn 't get a chance to complete his sentence as the ship was suddenly rocked . " Captain ! " Riker yelled . " It 's Ferengi ! " As he departed , the ship went to red alert , and the lights dimmed a bit . There was hit taken , and the temporary surge knocked out the lights . " There 'll be casualties ! " the doctor exclaimed . Engaging a small flashlight , she found her way to the door and , for a moment , there was power . This tripped the sensor . As the door slid open , unseen , two small and furry creatures ran out and the lights , again , were cut . That way smells bad , like wires are cooked . This way ! We go to Sick Bay . Sick Bay is where Alpha sends me when there is danger . Do you think Alpha is in danger ? There was a shimmer in the dark as two figures beamed in . As the lights flickered on and off , they could be seen a bit . They had large heads with huge ears - Ferengi . The ship was rocked again as the shorter one considered his response . " Rule Number 62 says - the riskier the road , the greater the profit . " The lights flickered off and on again . " Let 's just get something fast . Get in , and get out , I always say . " Security was coming . They 'd have to act quickly . They scooped up the closer of the two furred things . " It is , I think it is called a cat , " said the short one . As he pulled out a communicator , he was attacked . The tall one says , blah blah out . The short one says blah blah yes blah . Good smell Security smell phaser sound phaser smell Spot are you all right ? SPOT ! The dog began biting , and then barking , as the cat hissed and scratched . Both of the Ferengi were being roughed up . The shorter one threw the cat as far away as he could , and the animal hit a wall with a disturbing - sounding yowl . The lights flickered again , and finally came back on for good . A Klingon , Worf , was on the Security team . He engaged his communicator . " The intruders are gone , " he reported , " but Spot appears to have been injured . " She got there as quickly as she could . By that time , Data , Geordi and Wes had returned to the area . They stood by , off to the side . Porthos , also agitated , shifted his weight from paw to paw . Beverly knelt down in order to run a scanner over her little patient . " Huh . They broke a few ribs . That can be fixed quickly . " She tapped her communicator pin . " Crusher to transporter ; beam me directly to Sick Bay . " She held onto the cat , which looked up at her with golden eyes but did not scratch . In Sick Bay , Beverly worked on her patient . The doors swished open , revealing Wesley , Geordi and Data . And , behind them , there was a canine visitor as well . Nurse Ogawa crouched down to address Spot 's canine visitor directly . " I 'm sorry but you can 't sit here with Spot . We have to work on him . You 'll have to wait outside . " The dog tilted his head but made no move to get up . She straightened up . " I guess Spot 's got a visitor . " The doctor leaned over and worked a device that glowed a little . " Ah , there ! Good as new . " She handed the bone - knitting laser to Nurse Ogawa . " I believe we can discharge the patient . " They let the cat onto the floor and the dog immediately started wagging his tail . Better now . Doctor is good . It is good when Metal Master is here . Metal Master does not get afraid the way we know , not the usual way . Understood , but Metal Master seems to smell a little afraid anyway . I could smell young human Wesley 's fear , nurse 's concentration , doctor 's concentration , and masked one 's fear . I smelled your fear , too , Spot . I smell something from the Metal Master , too . You are right . There is a chemical change . It is subtle . It is slight . But Metal Master does feel fear . I miss Alpha , Spot . I think Alpha is afraid without me . In Ten Forward , Guinan , the proprietress , set down small bowls for both Spot and Porthos as Wesley and Geordi finally had their dinners and the captain and the doctor went to sit at a separate table nearby . " He 's a good guest , " Guinan stated , referring to Porthos . " But he 's got to get back . How do you think he got here in the first place ? " " I would speculate , " Data opined , " that he was not beamed here . His appearance has coincided with a rather large spatial anomaly . It would appear that the anomaly was temporal in nature as well . " " The reverse would be true , too , right ? " Geordi asked . " I mean , we 're responsible people . If we had information that said he 'd made it , we wouldn 't just keep him . We 'd send him through . " Finished with dinner , they went back to Data 's quarters . Wes began clicking around on Data 's desktop computer . " Damn , this is no good . " " I won 't send him to his death , " Wes declared , " but someone is looking for Porthos . Archer , I 'm sure ; he 's gotta be really worried . What should we do ? " But they smell sad and confused , Spot . I think they do not know how to get to Alpha . Spot , I want to go home now . I am worried about Alpha . Malcolm thought for a few seconds . " We could fire a phase cannon directly at a sphere . That could stimulate it to produce more gravimetric energy , thereby inducing a spatial anomaly , I 'll wager . " " Work with T ' Pol on that , " Captain Archer commanded . The Vulcan eyebrow was raised slightly , so he added , " But not so as to compromise our weapons systems at all . We still have a job to do , Porthos or , uh , no Porthos . " Lili put a hand on his arm and he jumped . " Sir , " she said , " since it happened in your quarters , maybe he 'll come back to your quarters . I can , uh , if you don 't mind dinner being a little late , I could wait . And you would , uh , you would tell me how long to wait , that sort of thing , okay ? " " All right , Ensign . " She departed , and he looked at Malcolm and T ' Pol , who were still working . " I realize we have a mission , and maybe this seems a little frivolous . But , … . " " Porthos is a valued member of this crew , " was the unexpected Vulcan reply . " He is necessary for morale . It is only logical that we attempt to retrieve him , if we can do so without jeopardizing our overall mission . " " There remain any numbers of minor gravimetric distortions in the Delphic Expanse , " Data stated . " These are the darkened vestiges of the spheres which the NX - 01 itself destroyed over two centuries ago . Returning to our original precise coordinates when Porthos came onto the ship , I believe that action could prove to be of value in terms of returning him . " " He was in the bathroom in my quarters . " The android thought for a moment . " We should do our best to duplicate the initial conditions . I will speak with the captain . " He engaged his communicator . " Data to Captain Picard . " Data paused and then knelt down and spoke to Porthos and Spot directly . " We are attempting to return you to your former location and your correct time period . It is our intention that you be safely returned , however , we have no way of confirming that . " Good smell good smell good smell metal smell . Metal Master says blah blah Porthos blah blah safe . Pet me pet me < wag > < wag > . Metal Master is nice , Spot . They do not , either . We must say good - bye , and I do not even know if I will survive . All I want is to smell Alpha again . Spot , before they try to send me back , can you tell me what your real name is ? You said that Metal Master did not know it , and no one did , and they did not use it . I want to use it . I want to call you by your correct name . Yes , I will tell you , Porthos . My real name is Princess Spot . All cats give themselves their own names . It is up to those around them to determine them . But you , you are different , and I know you will be gone soon . And so I have told you mine . I want you to , one time , come to Metal Master when he calls you Spot . He thinks it is your whole name . Let him think that . Even though he is a Metal Master , I think that will make him happy . I know cats do not always try to make their humans happy , at least , not the way that dogs do . You are more independent than we are . Yet I know you love your humans as much as we do . Play with some string when you can , like we cats do . You will learn what fun it is . It is good when you are alone . It is my favorite game . Lili O ' Day stood in Captain Archer 's quarters and saw a small ripple appear in the air , shimmering . She held her arms out and caught Porthos , who flew in , seemingly from nowhere . She staggered back a little with the force of reentry . " Gotcha ! " she called out happily . She put the dog down . " Let 's go to the Bridge . " She flipped open her communicator as they walked . " O ' Day to Archer . Sir , I 've got someone who really wants to see you . " On the Enterprise - D , the anomaly dissipated quickly , and Porthos was gone . Geordi blinked a few times . " Do you think we were successful , Data ? " On the Bridge of the NX - 01 , there was a joyful reunion . Even T ' Pol deigned to pat the peripatetic canid . Lili stood there , a bit unsure of whether she should stay . She nervously fiddled with her hair tie even more , and pulled on it too much . It finally snapped , and went sailing past the Tactical station as Lieutenant Reed watched . " Could you please escort him back to my quarters ? We 'll tell Chef that you 'll be later than expected . And , uh , if you can spare a few minutes , maybe play with him a little , okay ? " She looked at him in disbelief so he added , " Should I make that an order ? " " Uh , it 's okay . I 'll do it , sir . " She smiled . " Hey , Porthos , let 's go ! Yes , you can bring my old hair tie . You know you 're my favorite guy . " All 's well that end 's well . Fun little story of the exploits of two of Trek 's most iconic pets joining forces at last . Who said that time traveling adventure is reserved only for bipedaled humanoids ? Just read the first entry , and I 'm enjoying it so far . Except for one detail - why would Troi be able to sense temporal or spatial anomalies ? She senses * emotions * . Loved it ! The difference between cats and dogs was spot on ( um . . . excuse the pun ? ) and I 'm glad they were able to work together to get their humans to help out . Makes me wonder what my Shy 's true name is - we call her so many different things , though , we 're bound to hit upon it eventually . Princess Shy is always good . Thank you ! ! I don 't know cats as well as dogs . I 'm so glad I got the mannerisms right .
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I 'm Jackie and I watch TV . I 'm not proud . Reviews , some recaps , TV news , reality television , primetime and even a weekly off television topic photo post . Bookmark the blog now as your source for live feed reports from inside the ' Big Brother ' house ! Come , join in on the fun . . . So , it 's the bromance alone in the house . Now , if it were a true bromance , not just two immature dudes full of themselves , it might be more interesting . Here are the highlights of last night 's happenings after the end of the live show : They sat around and walked around stunned . They had champagne . Ryan repeated his " never trust a stripper , let alone a Penthouse Pet " line like he thought it should be trademarked to him . Ryan mimicked Sheila 's plea to stay in the house . Adam joined in mocking Sheila . Adam thanked BB while looking in the camera . The camera nodded . Ryan told Adam that he couldn 't figure him out the whole game . Adam told Ryan he wanted him around to be a smoking buddy . Then he said keeping Ryan was due to Sheila . They congratulated themselves for playing so well . They talked about how Sheila was campaigning all the time but had no gameplay in her . Then they got into trashing Sheila hardcore . Ryan thinks Julie Chen has a crush on him . @@ Adam is mad that Sharon threw the Glass Houses comp . There was a Diary Room audio leak in which Ryan angrily just about demanded the show give them cigarettes . They continued bashing the others from the house . Oh , this is gonna be such fun until Sunday ! Julie has a crush on Ryan ? He can read women well , can 't he ? I hope the Sheila bashing stops . If they could only see her exit with Julie , they 'd know she bashed herself enough for a lifetime already . No one could want an interview with her now . She 's broken . I really , really don 't want to see the Ryan and Jen reunion . All I can say is , these two deserve each other ! And Adam apparently has mush for brains , in giving R all the credit for him even being there . And how old are these two ? Grow up and be a man , for God 's sake ! They don 't know that millions of people are going to know about them trashing and degrading Sheila , or they just don 't care about another human being 's feelings ? R is just a poser and a jerk ! I 'm hoping that Sharon will tell the whole JH about all that R has won . I 'm not sure Sheila will be in the house long enough for her to spread the word , but I don 't want Ryan to win . It 's bad enough if he walks away with second place . I thought Sheila was pathetic in her exit interview , but I do feel really sorry for her . Of all of them , she really gets the raw deal . No money for JH , no time to decompress and no money in the finals . Can I just say , once again , that Matt is an a $ $ ! ! ! ! ! I 'm back to not liking Adam and decided a few days ago that I couldn 't stand SHelia , but last night 's show sealed the deal . And Ryan , he 's a tool . None of them deserve to win . I agree on taking a break ! How 's your prep coming in the apartment , with food , etc . . . for the upcoming knee surgery ? HOw is Spring coming along in NJ ? What 's the cat up to today ? All INFINITELY more interesting than the BB house . A person can win with grace and class or they can be Ryan and Adam . They sure know how to make themselves look bad by being themselves . And just when Adam had us all convinced he was a good guy who wasn 't really in it for the money . I realized he wanted to win 1st place the day he was telling Sheila whose votes he had on the jury . I can 't think of even one hg this entire season who came out of the house and felt good about themselves . Adam certainly shouldn 't when he gets out and hears how he has been in the national news stories . But , Ryan , will probably be oblivious to any bad reviews . . . Just show him the money , nothing else matters to him . Good morning all . I was splitting my time last night between BB and Top Model and I missed Natalie 's arrival at Jury House . Can someone please tell me what the reactions were ? There was a Diary Room audio leak in which Ryan angrily just about demanded the show give them cigarettes . Oooooh . . . . . I hope BB doesn 't give on this . Can you imagine two heavy smokers without their cigarettes and locked in a house with each other for days ? LOLOLOL What a visual ! I wonder if the DR " leak " was an accident ? Jackie , I know you have obligations to TVSquad but I don 't think anyone here would be upset if you took huge breaks in reporting between now and Sunday night . I could do with just a blurb about what they have to say after Q & A with the jury . This is starting to remind me of when Allison and Jun were the last two in there , or Maggot and Evilette , no one you 'd care to spy on . rbennie . . . can you believe they did not show nat making it to the jury house ? they showed her already thiere and upset that matty is being mean to her and won 't stay in the same room as her . . . then they showed sharons entrance ! UGH ! ! ! ! rbennie . . . Believe it or not , they didn 't show it . . . we were robbed of the experience . They showed Sharon coming in . Matt got all excited that " Team Matt " made it to the end . They watched the tape Sharon brought . Chelsia made them rewind so they could all see the knowing nod / look Ryan and Adam shared . Sharon realized they were working together . We saw Gnat doing her old routine to Matt . . . be nice to me like you are to the other people here , blah , blah , blah . It was really pathetic . How can the " boys " sit and trash Sheila like that . They can 't be that stupid not to know that Sheila is going to see this and hear what they really thought of her . That 's sad . Sheila was sad . I feel so sorry for her . While she was talking with Julie I was on the edge of my seat thinking Julie was going to offer her a small stipend due to being the " last couple standing " as Sheila put it earlier . Maybe that 'll still happen in the finale ' . I 'm not saying she should get something for nothing , otherwise , everyone else who was in the house should . But since it was a " couples " house in the beginning , maybe she 'll get a reward for lasting to the final 3 . I hope so . You have got to be kidding me ! They never showed Natalie 's arrival at jury house ? What is up with that ? Could they be saving it for some reason to show on finale night ? How was the group 's reaction when Sharon showed up ? morning all ! joyn . . . sasha . . . sydney . . . jennasmom . . . zoetawny . . . and everyone else . . . thanks to all of you who asked about and / or commented on my grandaughters echo yesterday . it was a long day , but one that went well . we had all three girls with us ( ages 3 , 2 , and 6 months ) and they were all well behaved and all news was good . yes , it has been a hard road . we knew there was a problem while the baby was inutero ( sp ? ) but we were fortunate enough to not only find the problem , but live close by to childrens hospital and have the dr . perform the surgery that pioneered the actual procedure . at two days old they stopped her heart , broke her sternum , and actually took that little heart out of her chest . i won 't babble on all the details and recuperating ( that has taken a full 2 years ) but i will say that the hospital is phenominal , God has been very good to us , and the baby is doing great . echos all her life once a year . . . thats pretty much it . thanks again all . your words of encouragement really did mean a lot . ryzandshyn . . . . your " sheila won 't realize till a year from now . . . " really cracked me up . just one of those lines that caused an LOLi 'm not all that thrilled about the F2 . . . . my vote is still for adam . . . but i can 't blame any of them for giving signs that they were in this for the money or for themselves . . . . . . i would think they were ridiculous or lost focus if they pretended otherwise . isn ' tt hat the whole point and reason of the game ? ? to win money for oneself ? honestly , i am not a mean person . . . but if i subjected myself to that game with those rules . . . locked up , strange people , no outside world . . . . heck yea i would be doing it for the money ! i am interested in seeing if R & A can maintain their " bro - hood " after a few days of nothing but togetherness , no cigs , and knowing one will take all the money and one will not ! Put an emotional woman in a house with much younger people who don 't give two hoots about her , and this is what you get . I feel so bad for Sheila . Like you said , ryzandshyn , she was broken , and her fellow players on BB9 are who broke her . It was beginning to happen to James too , I was glad he left the house when he did . There is nothing worse than standing all alone in a crowd of people who dislike you , but try to act like they actually like you . And , oooo , I HATE how disrespectful the remaining two are of EVERYBODY they played with now that they don 't need them anymore . Like you said , Sue , a person can win with grace and class or they can be like Ryan and Adam . They disappoint me . Makes me wonder how awful I would be at the end of a stressful three months after winning . Would I have grace and class or would I feel invincible and cruel ? rbennie . . . . the reaction to sharon walking in the house seemed to be genuine surprise . they didn 't really say who they THOUGHT it would be . . . . . then , the james , chelsia , josh alliance were bummed . . . and mr . me - me - matty said it was HIS team that made it all the way . thats not a quote . . but basically he seemed to be taking credit for having the winning team . OMG ! Ryan thinks Julie would have a crush on HIM ? ? ? I 'm sure she would prefer someone who can pull up his pants with a belt . I see lots of teenagers with that look , but isn 't he a little old ? But then looking at his behavior , I think he is stuck in junior high ! It 's just too bad that they don 't let " us " have a hand in who wins or is eliminated each week . I 'm not sure which one we would have picked this season , maybe we would have had the option of " none of the above " or the GPs . Why is it almost always somebody we can 't stand . . . . . . . ( sigh ) ! Nancy in PA : Good to hear the news about your grandbaby . Jackie : I agree with those saying to take it easy and don 't worry about us . Personally , I am not surprised at how the stoopid boys are behaving . Disappointed but not surprised . They are like teenagers in big blubbering bodies and are making the most out of their bromance . Once the adrenaline wears off and they realize they are stuck with each other ( without ciggies or beer ) they will probably just sleep until the end . Mamas don 't let your kids grow up to be BB players . Remember the earlier Witless Protection Program ? I 'm sure the families of both boys are packing up their belongings and leaving no traces of themselves even as we speak . Sheila is a sad case . I hope there 's someone inher life who will direct her towards serious help . Adding BB whacko to her resume is not going to help her and I imagine there are sleazebags out there who will want to take advantage of her the moment she walks out that door . Poor , poor lady . Really , I worry about her now . On a lighter note , I was walking my dog early this morning and had an annoying gnat flying around my face . I was swatting it away and then started laughing out loud . Maybe you had to be there . . . but it was very funny as I saw Zoetawny 's graphic in my mind . Nancy , Thank you for posting the amazing story of your granddaughter . I think it is the most positive statement I have read here for a long time . So often I write about things I don 't like ( the weather , the hgs , anything and everything ) and to hear you say you had good experiences with great doctors and hospital was a breath of fresh air . My best wishes for her continued good health . I had a nasty little critical joke to make about BB , but have now thought better of it . I 'm watching my tape of last night 's show and had to stop to comment on the JH clips . OMG . . . Matt truly is an a $ $ , isn 't he ? I don 't think Adam and Ryan consider themselves pat of Team Mattie anymore ! Matt clearly gets off on teasing Natalie and she sets herself up for that . Buy a clue , Nat and let it go . While you are at it , buy different pants . Ugh ! Oh dear , Sheila is about to be evicted . Do I watch it or not ? I just had breakfast . . . I can definitely relate to what you 're going through Nancy . When my now 12 year old daughter was 4 she was diagnosed with Wilms Tumor - which is a cancerous tumor growing on the kidney . My tiny little baby went through surgery to remove her left kidney , radiation treatments and 6 months of chemo . As you can imagine it was a very scary and emotional time for my family , but I 'm happy to say she came through it all like a champ ! She was such a little trooper , we were all amazed at how cheerful and upbeat she remained through the whole thing . She still has to go back to the hospital once a year for a barrage of tests . She was treated at NY Presbyterian Hospital . The staff there is truly excellent . Anon 10 : 19 - - thank for reminding me of that . That helps ! ryzanshyn said : This is starting to remind me of when Allison and Jun were the last two in there , or Maggot and Evilette , no one you 'd care to spy on . THis makes me think if it was any better watching Boogie and Cruella in there with her trying to maul him in the hot tub ignoring that he could barely stand it . . . and watching him still get physical with her despite that he could not stand her or it . . . I man , that on the heels of a real romance between Janelle and WIll ! IT was like going from heaven to hell . Just think about it - - If God is omnipresent and limitless then watching our world ( leaving out any others that may exist for the moment , lol ) must be a lot like watching the BB house . We coul driff on that for hours ! as for Nat not being shown entering , glaringly the ONLY one , I wonder if it was a bad scene . . . and / or if it was OK , and she wanted to stay in his bedroom again , and he said yes - - or no and she couldn 't help sneaking back in in the middle of the night . . . hence her extra pouting about him and his treatment ? ? ? Either way , I 'm curious to know who thinks she still did him a favor , so to speak ? ? ? I think she might have tried ? ANd then we could take a poll to see how many think he declined ! We have time to kill right ? : - P Last night I watched the show on EC feeds and then again on my time ( WC ) - - - yes , I must be crazy ! I wanted to pick up all the little things you all had commented about . When I had a chance to write here ( 11 : 30p . m . ) I was too tired and thought I would respond this morning . Somehow this morning nothing Thing 1 and Thing 2 are doing seems worth the effort ! ! I do feel badly for Shelia when she sees the tape of the way they are trashing her . . . . there is no need for it - she 's gone ! ! nancy in pa . - - meant to comment about your granddaughter yesterday . I am glad to hear things went well . It is bad when your own child is suffering and you can 't help BUT when it 's your grandchild . . . . it 's horrible ! My youngest granddaughter had to have tubes in her ears and I was a mess at the hospital . I can 't even imagine all that you have been through . Your faith must be strong . Jackie - - take a break and get ready for your surgery . No posts on BB , maybe just some of your great pictures ! rbennie . . . so glad to hear your daughter is doing well . kudos to you for getting thru the emotional toll it takes on moms , grandma 's . etc . . . i understand ! sydney . . . i too wondered if there was a reason little gnats entrance to the SH was absent . . . . . the skeptical side of me wondered if some BB powers that be read some of these blogs and responded with leaving it out . my guess is show employees do in fact check in to what the public says on blogs in order to help keep a pulse on public opinion . . . . and maybe " toy " with us on occassion . i would think driving an audience nuts helps ratings to a point . no different then when they edit things to create response . i also felt they were messing with the audience when they were making it difficult to see if adam was still there or not a while back . just a paranoind , skeptical , don 't - trust - the - media outburst . : ) The statement that they are only there for the experience is a bunch of phooey . They all enter the hamster cage for the $ $ $ , period . To say otherwise is such a lie . If they want ciggies , it should come out of the stipend . The booze too . Since both are such pigs ( cleaniness wise ) , let the ants rule and slobbiness rule ! I just can not imagine drinking out of or eating out of items that are replaced to the refrig . YuckPlease let Adam win so Jen does not get her hands of the big bucks . $ 50 , 000 will be gone in a wink . Nancy in Pa , I 'm glad to hear you had a good experience with the hospital and all . Sounds like you have a little miracle in your granddaughter ! And Rbennie , sounds that way about your daughter , too . Laurie : Thanks for the laugh . I love " Mamas don 't let your kids grow up to be BB players . " Jackie , thanks as always ! And even moreso considering having to watch those two in the house . Personally , I 'll watch the finale but really couldn 't care less about their day to day doings . Yuck , don 't even want to think about them . Have agreat day , All ! The REAL Sheila walked into BB on that first show and she exposed herself for what she really is . She was horrible . That is putting it mildly . I can never forget that . She humiliated Adam right off the bat . Her crying and begging at the end because she is a single mom was as horrid as her entering the house was . Why does she think SHE is the only one that should win . 45 years old and crying about it with Julie , not to mention inside the house , was totally bizzare ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I am glad she is gone . The way she acted wasn 't exactly how a mom should behave on TV for her son ! ! They are all weirdo 's . I think Adam is the less evil however . Maybe ? ? ? Who knows . BAD CASTING ! For me , it was like a switch has been flicked - I now have zero interest in the rest of the show . Don 't want to see the feeds , I have BBAD recorded from last night , not going to watch it . It just feels wrong , I guess it 's the trashing of Sheila et al that really bothers me , especially now when it 's obviously not gameplay , it 's who they are as ( sub ) human beings . They bungled so many obvious game plays that they cannot even be credited with having game play to justify their positions . Just a horrible ending to a horrible season . I watch BB ( and similar shows ) because to me , it 's a chance to study certain aspects of human behavior . And it 's ugly isn 't it ? : sigh : Nancy - sorry I missed reading about your granddaughter . I am glad to hear she had a great outcome . Nana NW - I too stayed up watching the little boys think they had conquered the world . I thought it was disgusting to watch to what level they both would go to , thinking they have won it all . So Ryan thinks Julie has a crush on him . . . is it the other way around ? I think that shows us that he is very delusional . I listened to him walk and that boy was breathing pretty heavy just walking . He doesn 't need anymore cigs . He brushed his teeth , only moments later to go to the kitchen to eat . I only hope that Sharon will have the guts to mention to him how Chelsia pointed out the celebration of the boys on her way out . . . let 's see him studder a bit and say something other than " you know " . Adam is Adam . He got louder as the night went on . It 's gross , but I loved Adam coming out from using the bathroom , fails to wash his hands and hands Ryan his beverage while Ryan is showering . . . Ryan takes a healthy swig and hands it back to Adam . That just goes to show you they will stop at nothing . They bashed Shelia the most , but they took a shot at pretty much everyone . They think they rule the playground . We can only hope now that the ousted ones can give them a little bashing of their own on Sunday night . I 'm not counting on it , but made it will knowck them down a notch or two . As for not seeing Gnat arrival , do you think Gnat slapped Matty 's face like she claimed she was going to do ? Made CBS does not want to be involved in the assult case if it would happen . I hope if she did slap him , she slapped more out of him than that . I do not know if there is truth to this , but I did read about Adam and his comments he made about kids . It stated that CBS has the ability to edit what it airs and they may have done so in a way that made Adam not look so well . I am not sure if that is why CBS did not act on his comments and made the Autism Group come to their conclusion of Adam not being associated with them any longer . I hope that once Adam is out of the 4 / 24 / 2008 1 : 55 PM I wish BB would do an hour show of just sequester house doings . Why not ? It would be most entertaining , unfortunately BB wants to keep the mystique alive . We 'll certainly miss your posts , Patty . But of course real life concerns come first . My thoughts go out to your friend and your mom . Jackie - thanks so much for all that you do . I hope you have a speedy recovery . Get as much rest as you can . Does anyone know if Sunday 's show will be 1 hour or 2 ? Anonymous said . . . The boys behavior is beyond sickening . But in the past , seems like everyone left in that house has to trash the ones that are gone . Of the two , I guess I would like to see Adam win because MAYBE he will use some of his money for the autistic kids . Now Sheila , is it me or did anyone notice that during all the blubbering to Julie . . . not one tear fell . My two roommates and I all commented almost simultaneously " What an actress she is " trying " to be . " I 'm sorry , I 've listened to her all season and I think she is full of bull . All the people in the house talked about their jobs outside of the house . . . did anyone hear Sheila say she was anything other than a " 46 year old single mom " ? Get a job . Also , she talked about being afraid of the water because she almost drowned a few years ago in Hawaii . . . . How many single moms do you know that can afford a trip to Hawaii . I just don 't buy all this pity party BS . She seems to have lived off men and her family for a long time . She didn 't win . She gets no more money than the rest that didn 't win . Now , Natty . I 'll be the firs to say I can 't stand Matt but I do know how she clung to him and followed him around in the house . They only showed her whining in the JH but how much of that same behaviour has been going on there . She probably HAS been driving Matt ( and everyone else ) nuts . She too is a sad case who needs to get some help and a LIFE . Whew , I feel much better just banging out my opinions . Jabifla Nancy in PA - - I 'm assuming you all live close to CHOP ? I volunteer a lot of my time for peds cardiac unit at Children 's @ Dallas , and I am amazed by those kids . We lost power from the storms last night , so I 'm quite glad I didn 't have access to the feeds . Power came on after 3 this morning , and I feel like a zombie . jabifla . . . The Hawaii thing did not escape my notice either . I wanted to comment on it , but I didn 't know how to without seeming jealous or bitter . . . lol . Hawaii . . . ha ! That made me so mad ! Sounds like Adam has become as much of a scumbag as Ryan . They 're in the f2 already . What reason could they have for tearing Sheila and the rest of the HGs apart now ? What low - lifes they 're showing themselves to be . Ryan 's ego is beyond humongus now if he thinks Julie has a crush on his sorry butt . If he wins this thing , I hope Jen sucks every dime out of him and then dumps him . AFTER the shopping spree , of course . I think Adam is acting like a little puppydog around Ryan and Ryan is loving it . Adam never did get that spine . Well . if he wins , maybe he can buy one . And for heaven 's sake , why is Adam all upset about Sharon throwing anything , when he got pretty good at doing that himself ? Adam , I didn 't like you at the start , and then I thought you had a heart of gold . I should have stuck with my first impression of you . These two jerks deserve to be stuck together in that house with NO cigarettes . Sheila said she was in Hawaii for work , I don 't know if for a movie part or modeling . That was 12 years ago , so her son must have been about four . She talked of traveling a lot . . Asia , etc . Disgusting men . There talk isn 't worth repeating and I wish I had turned off the feeds sooner . It is habit , or I wouldn 't have had them on in the first place . I do want to hear what they say after the jury questions , though . Tomorrow ? Now we know what Adam wants the money for . If he gets the big money , he will buy a TV for every room in the house . . . if he settles for $ 50K then he will only spend some of it on a TV . I know they are there to win the money . My comment is to just say that it is interesting to see how people think of spending a windfall . I know my own spending priorities have changed through the years . Sharon wanted it to pay off debts she and Jacob ran up . Sheila said she wanted to make a better life with her son , but I think that translated into a ' if mama is happy ' then the life is better . I doubt her son would have seen much of it and I think she would continually have reminded him of the hell she had to go through to get it . I don 't know if Ryan has any plans for the money . . other than spending it . Does he have a degree ? Will it be enough to support him for a while so he doesn 't have to work ? I don 't know what the others wanted . Chelsia 's bio said she has a trip to Germany coming up . That sounds wonderful and like she is a good student . Maybe she is still in college . ? ? rbennie you asked about Sun . show being 1 or 2 hrs . Someone else has resonded that it is 1 hr . . . . . and Thank God ! ! CBS wouldn 't be able to scrape together enough footage of those 2 to fill up 2 hrs . patty - we will miss you ! You have your priorities straight . . . family and friends are # 1 . If you get a few minutes on the computer stop by and say " Hi " . Hopefully , you will be back for BB10 . Many commenters were sounding like they are leaving us now that BB9 is over . I hope someone sticks around . . . . I don 't think I can go through withdrawals of not blogging ! There are still plenty more shows to talk about ! ! Everyday there seems to be an OFF TOPIC subject to chat about too . Oh , I did want to say that Sheila 's whole drowning thing was ridiculous . . . she was in 6 inches of water and even when she fell the pool was only about a foot deep ! ! Excuses , Excuses . . . . . Nana in NW : Thing 1 and Thing 2 called and they want an apology . Sydney : I think God must want to turn of the feeds sometimes and just walk away from us ! And yes , I imagine she did " do him a favor " ( again ) hence the pouting and his cheesier than ever grin . When he said I 'm sorry yesterday I wanted her to turn around and slap his face . Yuck ! Patty : We should all take a page from your book and do something to make the world a better place , one person at a time . We need it for our own Karma after watching this show for the past 3 months . Good luck with your friend and your mom , and be sure to take care of you at the same time . Caretaking is a lot of work so get plenty of rest and eat well . Joy : The only crush Julie would have on Ryan is the crush from her expensive boots on his mushy face . He is too much ! Seriously folks , we have two loser pigs who are going to walk away with the money . If it weren 't for the great folks here we would have all walked away from this show in week 2 ! Laurie said . . . Joy : The only crush Julie would have on Ryan is the crush from her expensive boots on his mushy face . He is too much ! I 'm still coughing from laughing so hard . Good one ! Sue said . . . I don 't know if Ryan has any plans for the money . . other than spending it . Does he have a degree ? Will it be enough to support him for a while so he doesn 't have to work ? I think he mentioned ( right after he took the 10k from Sheila ) that he has student loans to pay off . I think his bio indicated he was still in school , but I 'm not sure . That seems like ages ago when we first got a peek at this bunch and now its almost over . I have mixed feelings about the trash talk . It seems like the final two do that every single year and maybe it comes from a point of relief that its almost over and they can finally say what 's on their mind . I 'm not sure Ryan and Adam said anything more than what a lot of us on this blog said throughout the season . Maybe they saw it the way we did back when . Most of the bashing was about Sheila playing the ' deserving single mom card ' , but they did venture into the Penthouse Pet and insuated that Sheila was a Pro ( as in prostitute ) . I didn 't agree with that , but I also didn 't agree with Eric insinuating that Dick and Danielle had an incestuous relationship . Oh well , its almost over and we can all take a deep breath and get ready for the summer and BB10 . Monty , you are probably right about the trash talk and the reason behind it . Sometimes talk like that gets a live of its own . . . been there and done that for sure . Glad I made you laugh with the " crush " joke . My work here is dun . d - u - n Patty - - I know what you mean about taking time for the important things , and it sounds like you have plenty of that on your door . Just know that we are here if you are needing a little cheer , or to vent or want a little distraction . You 'll be missed ! xxox Oh my , even I feel sorry for Sheila now . . . no class idiots - but now that I think of it , should we have expected anything but the usual boorish behavior from those two clods ? Nancy in PA ( my mother 's name ) - reading about your granddaughter 's experience brought tears to my eyes - thank you for sharing such a happy ending - my grandson is 2 1 / 2 and he chases all the dark clouds away - I don 't know what I 'd do . . . God bless you for your strength . ( I almost wrote God bless you God ) . Jackie , what is the surgery date ? I 'm thinking nothing but good thoughts for you - at any point in time you feel the need , e - mail me and I 'll bring you something yummy to eat - or vacuum for you - you 're over the bridge from me - not sure which one but I know one of them links your neck of the woods with my neck of the woods . Patty , enjoy your time with your mom - the 6 weeks I had to share with mine before she left for greener pastures were a precious gift I 'll never forget . Lurk away when you get the chance . . . . I hope to be here with the rest of you as we go through Jackie Blog withdrawals - surely none of us will go through BB9 withdrawals - this has been like pulling a great big bandage off very , very slowly . . . Laurie , " witless protection program " and the gnat story ? Thank you for the laugh - I so needed that ! I had the day from hell today at work ; my boss totally threw me under the bus and this is the first place I came when I got home - I needed a touch of humanity - thank you Jackie - and all of you - I must have subconciously known I needed to pop in where decent people abound - ( or is that unconciously - I 'll have to ring Natalie and ask her to clarify for me ) . Friday is almost upon us : > ) Good afternoon all ! Jackie . . . I hope you are taking care of your own needs first . With your pending surgery I know you have much to organize . We should give you a blog party before your surgery date . : ) Was that date May 14 ? I neglected to write it down in my date book . I join in with all here to thank you for all your sacrifices making BB9 enjoyable in spite of the shabby quality of this first Winter season . nancy in pa . . . I 'm happy for you that the echo turned out fine . Your little granddaughter will be putting a twinkle in your eye for many years . patty . . . I 've really enjoyed reading your comments . I commend you for putting your friend 's needs before your own pleasures . She is very fortunate to have such a good friend . We will miss you and hold a seat for you when you have time . sasha . . . I hope your father is doing much better . Write me an email when you have time to let me know . Thanks for the vocabulary lesson . ; ) What was that word ? ; ) We 've both tried to find reasons why we watch BB after every season . LOL God willing we will be here again for BB10 . Are you ready for Sunday ? I don 't know what else to say about the show that hasn 't been said already . You all have expressed excellent insights on every aspect of BB9 . Let 's hope that BB10 does have a better class of house guests . I know it sounds trite but sharing this show with you and Jackie 's amazing writing talent have made this season so much fun . I only wish I had more time to comment on some of the other shows Jackie blogs . I can 't wait to hear what they all have to say at the finale . I 'll be surprised if they say all is forgiven and we love each other and will stay friends outside of the house . Ya right ! It 's only human nature to put your best foot forward when you know you 're on live TV for the entire nation to see . It 's always amazed me that they seem to forget that the camera is on them 24 / 7 in the house . Maybe you do forget about it after a while . I know I would be uncomfortable even using the bathroom knowing there are technicians behind those walls . VBG4 / 24 / 2008 6 : 33 PM patty , sue , laurie , plaidchick , etc etc etc . . . . i just want you ALL to know i have appreciated your comments and good wishes . this blog site is a treasure . thank you all . plaidchick . . . i live about 45 minutes from CHOP . . . that place is extraodinary ! ! i couldn 't begin to tell you how they bend over backwards to accomodate children and family alike . honestly it is like a playland / family / home all in one . patty . . . will look forward to your return for bb10 ? enjoy your time with your friend and mother . things like that are very rewarding ( although difficult ) . i am the only sibling living near my aging parents . . in their 80 's . my mom has alzheimer 's also and usually does not realize quite who i am . it is hard . . . i miss my mom terribly and it is hard to be with her and her not really be there . i miss having her to talk with . take care ! ! my thoughts and prayers are with you ! from what i am reading , the bromance boys seem to be a little full of themselves . sounds like a jun / allison repeat . UGH ! i too think sheila is a drama quessn and got a little tired of her bossy behavior , poor me attitude , and fake tears . oh please . jackie . . . you 're the bomb . or as gnat would say . . . . . bom . Zoetawny , your graphics are all " right on " . Keep ' em comin ' ! My personal favorite , of course , was the first " Gnat " Thank you again . laurie - - your avatar and comment had me ROTFL ! ! You are right about talking sometimes taking on a life of it 's own . . . . the difference is that it 's not being done for all the world to see and the person it 's about to hear ! ! What they are doing is mean and cruel . . . I hope someone in their lives with decency reams those 2 when this is over ! ! ! Zoe - your graphics have been so great . It 's part of what I look forward to when I come to Jackie 's Java Jive ! I was testing Kind . this morning on a story and one of the questions was about a pesky bug , the child had to choose A , B , C , D . One of the choices was gnat . . . I started laughing . . . . the child was confused ! ! We went to dinner tonight and I swear Gnat 's mother waited on us . It was all I could do not to laugh . But that would have been mean . I wanted so to take a picture and try to show it to you all , but I thought she would think I was nuts . Well . . . You know I 'm here for the duration . There 's always something interesting on Jackie 's blog . She makes it so . Zoetawny . . . keep those graphics coming . They are highlights to the blog too . Jackie I wish I were closer to you so I could help out . You just take care of yourself . Get prepared now so that everything will be easier for you after the surgery . To everyone who has written about babies , and moms and friends , let me say you are all in my prayers . Keep us posted on all that is happening . And if you feel you have to leave for little while , please hurry back . Everyone here is hysterical ! Im loving all the comments back and forth . . . Laurie this year you finally got into it with me ! wahoo ! now you have surpassed me ! Nancy in pa . . . so sorry about your baby concerns . . . we are all praying for you and so glad you are so close to that CHOP . Nana sending hugs Zoetawny , your graphics and Jackie 's writing have been the highpoints of the season for all of us . Hey , we could call you Team JZ ! Nana , I 'm glad you liked my humor . I 'm going to keep Thing 1 & 2 as my picture for awhile . They make me smile . Terry , eternal thanks for leading me ( ok , dragging me ) to the show and to the blog . I 'll be hanging around here all summer . Jackie , we will all be with you as little angels ( with horns ) ( horney angels ? ) while you have your surgery and while you recover . We will keep you entertained . . . unless it hurts to laugh . Everybody , this is such a great crew here . I love rising and shining with you all . Nancy in PA ; I know a lot of doctors and residents who want to go into peds at either CHOP or Children 's @ Dallas . Both places are amazing , though I have never been up there , I know their reputation from the big wigs at Childrens . I don 't know if you ever heard the story of the boy from Dallas who was a Red Sox fan and his doctor is from Boston . He had a heart transplant and did beautifully . She and he flew up to Boston for the world series and he threw the first pitch at one of the games . The doctor is one of those docs who cares about nothing except the kids , and you would never know what she does unless you asked her . She and I have been to some Red Sox games in Dallas , and I jokingly called her and said I could of been her PR director since it made national news . She gives up a week in the summer to go to heart camp with the kids . No pay . She does it because she wants to . Your grandbaby is going to do great , and you guys got great care ! I saw this on BB9 Dish and I have to say I completely agree ! Pyke said . . . I thought I should post this in here too . Changes I want to see made to Big Brother because now I really do believe the producers manipulate to get an outcome they want or just manipulate period . I also wanted to add , I watched some youtube of Adam convincing Ryan to let him vote Sharon out because the next endurance comp is this ( he proceeds to name and describe word for word of the endurance competition , doing examples and everything ) . that sealed the deal that the DR cheats for me . So , changes I made to prove to audience nothing is rigged : 1 ) Live - Feed viewers have a PERMANENT access to the Diary Room with ONE FEED . Add a feed if you need to . . . I say this because , " If you have nothing to hide , then why is the Diary Room hidden ? " 2 ) We live - feed viewers get to watch every competition . . . live . No feed cuts . . . I understand legal feed cuts such as singing to talking about someone not on the show . We should be able to watch the POV competitions and HOh competitions live , all of them . Even as the new rules are being explained . Why hide rules form viewers unless you plan on only revealing those rules in order for certain houseguests to benefit ? 3 ) During HOH competitions , as the QUESTION is being ASKED we already have the ANSWERS on our TV SCREENS . ( Especially after that Guinea Pig question ! ) And no more guessing game HOhs or crapshoots ! 4 ) Get back to the OLD competitions where it dealt with house issues . lets review the last few HOHs : " Guess what houseguest said in the Diary Room . " then " Guess what AMERICA things based on OUR editing . " " Guess the number . " " Guess whats fact or fiction based on no knowledge . " I miss the old HOh competitions where it required true mental ability . . . not a gambling game . If you want to make it a guessing game , let 's just roll a dice to see who wins . That actually might be fun and make this game a more SOCIAL game . 5 ) No more crude behavior . We want intelligent housegeusts . . . this does not mean crazy , sex craved , insane , s4 / 25 / 2008 2 : 32 PM I just wanted pop in real quick to say " Thank You " to everyone for the kind wishes sent my way . It means so much to me . NanaNW - We are getting the snow you had a few days ago here in South Dakata . Do you want it back ? Crazy ! A few days ago I cleaned up winter around here and had the house all opened up . It appears the guys thought the evicted HGS were a little too tough on them with their questioning . Adam was really worked up after it was over . He was nasty enough to wish Josh to have cancer and die . . . Adam , that is such a horrible thing to say . Just an update of what I heard . Dick said he has been told directly from Allison G , that BB will try to make Season 10 a bit ' older ' and also morelike Seasons 2 & 3 with no twist involved . I guess we will have to wait and see if there is truth to this statement . Gotta go ! Any kind of game like this IS about the money . That 's the problem . It 's a game where anything goes to win the money . That 's why I could never do it . They don 't and won 't keep " nice " people around . They get rid of them as soon as possible . The people who win games like this are those who are shrewd and tell big white lies . It 's the game , unfortunately . I thought the jury house did not see everything . I thought that was part of the game . They do not see everything or the DR rants . Am I wrong ( probably ) ? Since they do have live feeds and we do get to see the DR rants , they 'd never give us the chance to vote . They want the jury to vote on the basic stuff they hear from some of the feeds . If they heard everything , they 'd be so hot , they wouldn 't vote . At least with Allison and Jun , they knew both of them were b * * * * * s . And , Boogie , well very few liked Boogie . With Adam and Ryan , they do have some redeeming qualities ( I have to think what they are . . . lol ) , they did beat the others . Plus , we didn 't like many of the others either . It doesn 't give many good choices . Jackie - my prayers are with you . Take care of yourself , you need to come first . Zoetawny - I love your graphics . You are so talented ! ! Well , Sunday will tell everything . It 'll be interesting to find out what comments the jury members have to say . What gets me is they always have something bad to say , but they 're just mad because the final 2 got to them first . Everyone of them was disliked for something . We always complained about them . So , remember that at the finale . LOL . Jackie , love your photographs ! Penny
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It 's that time of year again . Seniors are graduating and some traditions are invoked , most notably the senior prank . Classes try to outdo one another and sometimes it works , but sometimes there are disastrous consequences . In this story things are complicated by the close relationship between the assistant dean and the perpetrator of the " crime . " The Best Senior Prank Ever Wendy carefully rolled each scroll and tied them both with a purple ribbon . There . The legend LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT was clearly visible on the outside . Usually the seniors just wrote their " last will and testament " and published it in the yearbook . But Wendy had a special bequest for Carly and Heather and it wasn 't for general publication . She would deliver these personally . Wendy and Helen were in animated conversation as they walked down the long hallway . Helen was taller , a bit older , and moved with a confident athletic stride . Wendy , the younger one , was short and cute . She looked eager to impress the older woman , who seemed to be in agreement . " It was the best senior prank ever , Wendy , " she laughed . It was a hearty laugh , filled with genuine mirth . " I 'd have given anything to see old Dr . Wingate when he opened his office door . " She shook her head . " Can you imagine ? He opens the door and he sees - - what ? Goats ! " She threw her head back and laughed out loud . " Goats ! All over his office ! I heard one was up on his desk eating papers out of his in box . " " Boy , did you ever , Wendy . Did you ever . My own class prank back in ' 84 was so lame by comparison . I have to hand it to you . I 'm envious , " and , she said conspiratorially , " I 'm proud to be your aunt . To know we 've got someone with some spine in the family . To plan and pull this off . " " We planned it for weeks , " said Wendy proudly . " And to get the goats in there required split second timing . " She was clearly very pleased with herself . " An amazing feat , Wendy . That will show that stuffy boys school , won 't it . Let 's see them top this . " She smiled broadly at Wendy and arched her eyebrows . " Wherever did you get the goats ? " Helen chuckled . Rented goats yet . Every year it seemed , there were competing senior pranks between the girl 's school , Hargrove and the next door boys ' school , Waterford . Bragging rights went to the senior class who came up with the most elaborate prank . And this year the girls had blown them out of the water . " It 's still up to you , you know . You have to decide what is the right thing , " said Helen . She stopped and eyed her niece . The look on her face was one of sympathetic compassion . " Whatever it is , you are still my favorite niece . " " And I agree with you . It 's a shame . No harm was done . It was a great joke . But , you know … . " She looked at Wendy with a rueful smile and didn 't finish her thought . Helen shook her head . Her sister 's daughter was her favorite niece . Wendy was a great kid - - a bubbly , energetic , and at times , mischievous girl . She had a sharp mind and a quick wit . Let 's see what kind of stuff she 's made of then , thought Helen . She opened the door and they went in . Everyone else was already there . Wendy reported as she was told . There was the Headmistress , Mrs . Findlay , the secretary Jean Clooney , her Aunt Helen the Assistant Dean , and old Dr Wingate himself . He glowered at Wendy . She tried to ignore him by not looking him in the eye , but the intensity of his gaze was unnerving . Wendy realized that hadn 't been the smartest thing , hanging around to see old " Windbag 's " reaction when he confronted an office full of goats . She had laughed out loud and Wingate had turned and had seen her face . Her friends had been luckier . They had run away before they could be seen . Only Wendy knew who had been in on it . " Sorry ? " said Wingate . " Sorry ? Goat dung all over my office and you 're just sorry ? " Wingate 's face was red . " I want all of the perpetrators brought to justice and punished severely ! " Mrs . Findlay made a motion with her hand , imploring him to calm down . " We will find out , Dr . Wingate . She will tell us . Otherwise , as she knows , there are consequences . " Mrs . Findlay looked Wendy in the eye as she said it , leaving no doubt as to her intentions . That look sent a chill down Wendy 's spine . " I see , " huffed Mrs . Findlay . She sat at her desk and drummed her fingers on the desktop . She looked at Dr . Wingate . " Dr . Wingate , thank you for coming to confirm Miss Hodges as one of the perpetrators . We will take it from here . When we identify the others , we will let you know , but rest assured we will deal with them appropriately . " " You think so . " Mrs . Findlay paused . " The penalty for pranks that result in damage here is and always has been a solid month of detention , plus … . " She paused , " ten swats of the ruler paddle . Bare . " She let that sink in . " We rarely use corporal punishment , but for vandalism of this sort it has been the traditional penalty . I assume you knew that . " Wendy visibly winced . She sort of knew . It was whispered about , it was the risk you took . In a way that 's what made it exciting , the possibility of an embarrassing and childish punishment if you were caught . It was worse for the boys , she 'd heard . She 'd heard about the ruler paddle , too , a thin slat of wood about eighteen inches long , just like a wooden ruler but with rounded edges for safety and a handle to grip . " Moreover , " she continued , " we know there were three of you . Dr . Wingate saw three . So that is thirty swats , Wendy . " Her eyes bored into Wendy 's . " And under our tradition you get them all unless you name the others . " Wendy 's legs shook . Thirty Swats ! She had known it would be bad . But thirty swats - and on the bare ! The bare part was tradition too , its origin lost in the mists of time , but still followed to this day . She turned to Helen Brauner . " Mrs . Brauner , at four o ' clock today you will escort Miss Hodges to the storeroom . Jean will go with you as witness and I 'll inform our nurse , Miss Greene . I will meet you all there at the appointed time . " Wendy looked around , as if someone might magically ride to her rescue . Her pals were not about to come clean . Why should she protect them ? The code , that was why . All for one , one for all . Nobody rats . Nobody talks . They 'd all agreed on that . Helen fixed her with a serious look . " We are friends , Wendy . But we are other things too . On the other side of that door , I am the Dean of Discipline and you are a student who broke the rules . You have taken responsibility and have accepted the consequences . I must do my duty . " She put her hand on Wendy 's cheek in a gentle gesture . " Buck up . It 's only a spanking . And , " she added sardonically , " nowhere near as bad as your grandmother 's hairbrush . I should know . " She opened the door and escorted Wendy in . It was a large room . Boxes of supplies were stacked against the walls . An ancient desk sat in the middle of the room . There were some old chairs and filing cabinets . The light came from flickering fluorescent lights in metal fixtures hanging from the ceiling . It was dead still . The room was tucked away in the basement where no one ever went - except for this , it seemed . Mrs . Findlay was there with the school secretary who carried the book . The nurse was there too , as required by school policy . Wendy took a deep breath . " I can 't , Mrs . Findlay . " She had agonized about it all day , but in the end she wasn 't going to be the rat . That would not be her legacy , one of the crew who pulled the greatest prank of all time and then squealed to save her butt . Helen nodded . She shot Wendy an apologetic glance that Mrs . Findlay could not see and went over to the old desk . Wendy watched , her heart hammering , as a drawer slid out with a grating sound . Her aunt pulled out the ruler paddle . Wendy eyed it with growing alarm . It was scary looking , a long narrow blade on a handle , all rounded edges . It looked thin and whippy . Wendy gathered her skirt and lifted it . She bent over , resting her palms on the bare wood as ordered . Underneath her skirt she had on white nylon panties . She had a chubby bottom and she knew her lower cheeks peeked out the fabric stretched taut and pulled up as she bent . This was so embarrassing ! Her butt was sticking out for all to see . It was just other women , but still … . The nurse nodded and approached Wendy 's rear . " Move back just a little , " she whispered . Wendy did , shuffling her feet a few inches . That enabled Miss Greene to slip her fingers in the elastic of the panties and peel them down . The fully rounded moons of Wendy 's bottom were exposed as the panties slid down to puddle at her ankles . Miss Greene briefly inspected the bare flesh poised to receive punishment . Helen took up a stance next to Wendy and rested her left hand in the small of Wendy 's back . " Push down , " she said . " Arch your back . " Wendy did . The effect was to make her bottom stick out , presenting it for the ruler 's attentions . She blushed beet red . It was mortifying . " Wendy , it 's thirty whacks . I 'll stop after each ten and you can rub , but then it 's back over for the next ten . There will be no swearing or cussing , no jumping up , no putting your hands back . You must stay in position or we 'll have to repeat . Do you understand ? " " Yes , Au … er , Mrs Brauner . " She huffed , blowing in and out nervously . This was it . It was going to sting bad , she just knew it . At least , thought Helen , we now use this ruler . A regular 18 inch ruler rounded and sanded with a carved out handle . Stings like fire ants but no deep bruising like with a standard paddle . She sighed . The kid was plucky , she had to give her that . Would not rat her friends out , even with twenty more stingers coming up . She wondered if Wendy 's friends would be so stalwart if they were in her shoes . She lined up to deliver the next ten licks . Hold , on Wendy she thought . Here it comes . Crack ! … . . Crack ! … . . Crack ! The swats fell at timed intervals . Helen observed that each swat made Wendy 's bottom cheeks ripple and the red stripes began to overlap more . She knew how much a spanking stung and she felt for Wendy , but she knew the pain was fleeting , especially with this ruler . It was really more to make a point than to cause serious pain . Wrapping it all in such grim ceremony made it memorable , like a scary story for the punished to tell the others lest they take that long walk to the storeroom . But the sting was real . Wendy 's cute bottom cheeks clenched and she rose on her toes slightly with each smack . Ow ! Yow ! It was really stinging now , the intensity of the burning sensation threatening to overwhelm her . Her fanny felt tender and ultra sensitive and that 's why it stung so much . Each swat was worse than the last . At the tenth swat in this set she lost her grip and stood halfway up . " Yes , ma ' am , " said Wendy , once again rubbing for all she was worth . Her bottom must be swollen , she thought , and it was hot to the touch too . Ow ! She was on fire back there . For the first time , she had to think about telling Mrs . Findlay what she wanted to know . Wendy closed her eyes for just a minute . Should she ? There would be ten more just like the last . Aunt Helen wasn 't cutting her any slack . She was doing her job quite well . She must have tried . How she made it through those last stinging licks Wendy did not know . Each swat sent a new hot wave of unmitigated sting that began on the surface of her bottom and spread through her entire being , it seemed . At each crack of the ruler , tears welled up . Her grip on the table loosened . She fought the urge to stand , to shield her bottom with her hands , anything to make it stop . The ordeal was over . Helen escorted Wendy out after the nurse had pronounced her ok . " Rub some aloe on it at home . The sting will subside in an hour or so , " said Miss Greene . " If I tell you something , will you promise not to tell anyone else ? And to do something for me ? It 's about justice and your duty as Dean of Discipline . " " To my very best friends Carly and Heather I bequeath warm memories of having played the best senior prank ever . I have other warm memories too , and those should be shared among friends . Therefore , as my Last Will and Testament I bequeath to each of you a meeting with Mrs Brauner , the Dean of Discipline in the Storeroom at four o ' clock on Saturday . Remember we did this ' all for one and one for all ' . Don 't be late and don 't chicken out . I didn 't . " And so at four o ' clock on the appointed day the two girls took the long walk down the hallway of a deserted school and nervously opened the door to the Storeroom . Wendy stood there waiting . Beside her was her favorite aunt holding the ruler paddle , tapping it against her leg - - and smiling . For the next several Sundays I 'm featuring my own stories and today I 'll start with this one . Set in 1962 it features a young man who goes away to college . Hopeful that he has escaped the control of his domineering mother , he finds he may have jumped from the frying pan into the fire . The first thing that struck James about Mrs . Greta Hansen was the fact that she seemed so formidable . Tall and solid with blonde hair in a bun , a round face and hard grey eyes , she looked like some Midwest farmer 's wife capable of everything from plowing fields to hauling water to chopping wood . With her imposing bust , wide hips and stout legs , James could also imagine her as a Valkyrie warrior in some German opera wearing one of those horned helmets . Then there was her cousin , Mrs . Ida Reed , who also lived at the house and did most of the cooking . James viewed Mrs . Reed as a bit younger , thinner , and so voluptuous that the challenge for James was to avoid staring at her rather prominent and upstanding breasts . Like an aging movie star in her 40 's , she had the look of a woman who must have been a knockout in her day , but age had diminished that ingénue look somewhat . A dark haired woman with a thin face , she was still attractive . Her build was tall and rangy , as if there were some power coiled there like a spring . Together the pair exuded a no nonsense air of total feminine authority . James found them both intimidating . James had been directed to Mrs . Hansen 's boarding house by his mother , who had arranged for him to live there while at college . James ' mother had insisted on the Hansen house , and in James ' household , mother 's word was law . What James had really wanted was to be out from under his mother 's thumb , finally . He thought that leaving home for college would do that , and he had wanted to live in a dormitory with other boys his own age . His mother would not hear of it . " In one of those filthy dormitories ? I won 't permit it . It 's all arranged , James . I have spoken to Mrs . Hansen and I must say I am impressed . She runs a tight ship . " Then she had put her arm around her son 's shoulders . " It won 't be so bad , James . Why , I know that a former classmate of yours , Fran Blackman will be living there too . Mrs . Hansen takes in both boys and girls . " James knew Fran Blackman , a cute girl from his high school . He hadn 't known her well . Enough to say hello in the hall , but that was about it . He had , from somewhere , heard that her parents were strict . Just like his own parents . That maybe explained why she had ended up at this Mrs . Hansen 's house . So James was resigned . But after a quarter of community college and having to stay at home , James was ready to leave . He 'd been accepted at State University and would arrive for the start of the second quarter . She sat across from James and his mother in her parlor , sitting stiffly upright in an old chair . Mrs . Reed sat next to the pair who were relegated to an uncomfortable looking loveseat . Between them was a tea set . She had insisted that they have tea . So he sipped tea politely while she alternately grilled him and dictated the rules of her house . They included no drinking , be in by curfew ( which SHE would establish ) , no guests in rooms , no smoking , no swearing , and absolutely no going into the girls ' quarters . The girls and boys rooms were separated - the girls were upstairs on the second floor and the two boys ' rooms were on the third floor . Then there were chores . These would be distributed fairly but everyone would be required to share . Rooms tidy at all times . James ' mother nodded with approval at all of this . " I think you will find , Mrs . Hansen , that James is a very obedient and well behaved boy . I 'm sure he will study hard and be no trouble . Isn 't that right James ? " He 'd been about to stand up and leave , thankful that she was finally winding down . How much more ? He 'd been asking himself if it was going to be worth it . " On Sunday evenings there will be Sunday supper at 6 O ' clock sharp followed by the weekly reckoning . Everyone must attend . No exceptions . " Ida Reed narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips . " He seems like a nice boy . If he can obey the rules , we should all be fine . " That look gave James the chills . Like cat sizing up a mouse . Who was this Mrs . Reed ? A relative , really ? An old friend ? The relationship between the two was odd . They never called each other by their first names , but there seemed to be some unspoken bond between them , some shared secret . He was dismissed while his mother and Mrs . Hansen continued to chat . Fran liked the idea of having James in the house . First , he was cute and that was nice . Second , she figured a boy might take some of the heat of Mrs . Hansen ' scrutiny off of the rest of them . Fran and the others had been appalled to discover how Mrs . Hansen enforced her edicts . It had been an extension of Fran 's own strict Christian household . She 'd thought she 'd outgrown the need for such childish discipline , but her parents had insisted she live here . She later discovered that Mrs . Hansen was of the same fundamental denomination as her parents , and they shared with each other their views on the appropriate discipline of children . It was on this basis that the Blackman 's had placed Fran in Mrs . Hansen 's house . But it galled her that they still thought of her as a child . She consoled herself with the knowledge that the sorority houses on campus used some of the same methods . Her own experience throughout childhood had been that her parents did , on occasion , spank . She recalled with embarrassment the trips upstairs to her mother 's bedroom . The humiliation of being put across her mother 's knee for a painful spanking with her sturdy palm or later , the back of her flat - backed wooden hairbrush . The feeling of being so helpless while her mother had spanked a painful tattoo on her bare bottom . The wriggling . The crying . The admonishments to stay in place while hand or brush imparted its painful lesson . And even worse were those incidents , thankfully rare , in which she had endured a strapping with her father 's belt while bent over the end of her bed . But she downplayed this aspect of the house in her conversation with James . " She tends to mother her student boarders . But she is really old fashioned , and strict . " Then she added , " which is ok if you follow her rules . You have to pitch in with chores and you also have to keep your grades up . She 's a bit odd that way . She monitors your report cards . And there are her rules - she 's very strict about that . " James noticed she shook her head with a slight grimace at that last part . He thought maybe Fran was holding something back , something she didn 't want to share , but he dismissed it . James ' mother , having finished with Mrs . Hansen , said her goodbyes to James and drove away . James moved his things into the third floor room . That evening he was introduced to the others around the supper table . There was Molly , Betty and Lisa , all attractive girls . James ' mood improved . This could be interesting , he thought , sharing living quarters with four other pretty girls . Sunday afternoon at the library James by chance happened upon Molly and Lisa engaged in what appeared to be a serious conversation . He thought he heard Lisa say ' I saw it on the board . You did have four . She knew you missed curfew . ' And Molly said , ' how could she know ? Her lights were off . I went out to meet Doug after she 'd gone to bed . ' Lisa shrugged . Molly took a deep breath , a worried look on her face . " What 's up , girls ? " said James . The girls ' faces brightened . James was nice to have in the house . He was a good looking guy , even if Fran had said hands off . But Lisa was thinking all 's fair in love and war , girl . " Molly did , and now she 's in trouble with Mrs . Hansen . I think Betty has demerits too . Her room is a mess . It could be a hot time after supper tonight , " said Lisa with a knowing smile . " She was . And thinks that we should be treated just like her bible school kids back then . So she has this paddle and when you get demerits , it 's over you go . Grab your knees , hold still - and then you get it . " Then she added , " ask poor Betty who 's in for it tonight . " " I see you don 't believe me . But you will . Wait and see . Her and that Mrs . Reed . Tonight . She calls everyone into the library and if you have demerits it 's licks with her paddle . If you don 't like it , you can move out . And that 's not all , " Lisa said . James leaned in to hear better . Lisa blushed . " If you do something she considers sinful , like sneaking out or smoking or swearing , she 's threatened to punish that person in a special way - in private . And that 's why Molly is so worried , " she said , casting an eye at Molly who blushed . James could not believe it . Paddled ? That 's what happened if you misbehaved ? But he was practically an adult . But he was stuck . Mother and father paying his way to college meant living by rules they set and living at Mrs . Hansen 's was one of them . The thought was unnerving , not only because she was a complete stranger but because of the authoritarian demeanor she and her friend carried about . And both were well built women , ' stacked ' as his friends always said when referring to women with large breasts and curvy hips . The idea of being disciplined in that way by those women gave him a woody . It shouldn 't have , but it did , and that was strangely disturbing . Like many of his generation , he 'd been subject to spankings even through his teen years . His mom 's hairbrush , his dad 's belt . They had come out for sass , for poor grades and of course for downright disobedience . Although to his relief his mom had not spanked him since he was twelve . It had been his dad who had meted out the discipline . So the thought that once again a woman would have to power to punish him in that childish way was frightening and embarrassing . So James was on high alert at the formal sit down supper on Sunday at 5 : 30 . Molly toyed with her food . Betty , a pretty honey haired blonde , looked nervous and said little . Mrs . Reed served the food then sat down next to Greta Hansen at the head of the table . They had seated themselves on either the loveseat or the straight backed uncomfortable chairs placed along the rear wall . The room was large . Books lined shelves that went all the way to the ceiling and all around the room . It was dead still . The books seemed to muffle any sound . No one said anything . The air was electric . Mrs . Hansen came in , followed by Mrs . Reed . James sucked in a breath . Mrs . Reed carried a paddle . It was oval , about a foot long , four inches wide and maybe a little short of an inch thick . Mrs . Hansen stood in front of the hearth . " Now girls . We begin . This week , Betty , your room was not well kept . As I have told you before , cleanliness is next to Godliness . This will not do . Four demerits , I 'm afraid . " " And you will no doubt see his when he is to be punished . Now lift your skirt and bend over . Everyone must witness the consequences of not following the rules . " There was a collective gasp as the other three realized that James would be witness to this humiliation . James tried not to stare as Betty lifted her skirt , revealing an attractive bottom clad in white cotton panties . She gathered her skirt and bent over , gripping her knees , her flared skirt held at the small of her back . Now that pretty bottom bulged out like a pair of ripe melons . " Thrust your bottom out , Betty , " said Mrs . Hansen at one time . " Let 's have that naughty girl seat prominently positioned for my paddle . " James thought she said it almost gleefully . Mrs . Reed watched with rapt attention , her eyes excited , her chest heaving . Betty groaned and stuck her bottom back out to await another painful swat . James took it all in , the whoosh and crack of the paddle , Betty 's jerk at impact , the way her flesh seemed to flatten then spring back . He realized that he was hard and his penis was poking through his pants like a tent pole . He fervently hoped no one noticed . " Now let that be a lesson to you , Betty , " she said , handing the paddle back to Mrs . Reed . " You are all now dismissed . " They started to leave - " except for you , Molly . " " Molly stayed out after curfew and Mrs . Hansen caught her . She warned us that certain offenses would be dealt with more harshly , as she put it . " She looked down the hall . " I 'm afraid for Molly . She 's the first one of us to be caught doing something like that . " They stood there in silence straining to hear . From down the hall came the faint sound of slapping , at a measured cadence . It went on for quite some time , at least a full two minutes . From behind the door they could hear muffled crying . " It was awful , " sobbed Molly , snuffling . She lay on the bed , head in her hands . She was in PJ 's which were , at the time , pulled down to her thighs . Lisa rubbed cold cream into the flesh of a very red and very swollen bottom . It was a big house with meandering corridors . The girls lived in rooms on the second floor in a wing apart from the quarters of Mrs . Hansen and Mrs . Reed . That is why James took the chance . He wanted to hear what had happened . So he carefully snuck downstairs from his third floor room and positioned himself outside Molly 's door . " I had to follow her to her room , " said Molly . " She sat on this flat bench at the foot of her bed and made me stand in front of her while she lectured me all about sin and how I could get into trouble and such . She caught me coming in late and made be confess that it was to see a boy . I don 't know what 's so wrong with that , but she thinks it 's terrible . After that she gave me this horrible scolding . Then - oh it was so awful - she told me to take off everything but my underwear . " " What could I do ? " said Molly . " If she kicks me out I 'd be disgraced . My mom , my dad - they 'd be mortified . " " I stripped down with her and Mrs . Reed watching . That woman gives me the creeps . I was standing there in my bra and panties and that 's all . Then Mrs . Hansen picked up this big hairbrush and waved it at me . She said that there was a sure cure for a delinquent girl who would disobey her rules , and that cure was a sound spanking . And I just froze . A spanking ! For me . I 'm nineteen years old . I mean the paddlings are bad enough , but at least they do that in the sororities , so we are no worse off than those girls . But a spanking ! " Anyway , she made me get over her lap like I was ten years old . It was so humiliating . Then , worst of all - she slid down my panties to my knees . She said I was going to get it on the bare . And there I was , over her knees , my bare bottom sticking up , ready to get it . " James could not believe his ears . A spanking ! And on her bare bottom . He resisted the urge to stroke himself even though his penis was hard from imagining Molly across Mrs . Hansen 's lap , bottom bare , poised to take her spanking . " Then did I ever get it ! She started to spank with that big hairbrush and believe me , that thing stung like crazy . Each smack felt like a hot iron pressed onto my bottom . She paddled my poor fanny up one side and down the other until I was bawling - well you probably heard . It was like a fire lit on my backside . She spanked from side to side and all over . I thought I was being skinned alive . At one point she stopped and told me to stop wriggling so much , but I was in tears and couldn 't help it . It was the most awful thing - it just went on and on . Finally , she made me count ten slow stingers for her and say I was sorry after each one . I broke down completely . It was the most humiliating thing ever . " " Gosh Molly , that 's awful , " said Fran . But she could sympathize . She 'd got the same treatment as a teenager at home sometimes . James figured he 'd stayed long enough . He turned to slip back upstairs to his own room . He turned the corner at the end of the hall - and ran straight into Ida Reed . You remember this show , don 't you ? Chrissy and Janet and Jack ? Here 's a different take on it from the always excellent CJ West . More CJ West can be found at cfpub . com Tax time is almost upon us . So here is a tax expert with an unusual method of insuring compliance with her advice . It works especially well with arrogant scions of rich families who have run the family business into the ground . I guess it would have paid to peruse the service contract a bit more carefully . Here is a story by Al Purvis . The only place I saw Al 's works was in conjunction with cfpub . com . He wrote mostly M / F adult scenarios . A very competent writer . This one is a short gem . Five of them were women . He preferred to work with women . When he was twelve his father died suddenly and his mother had to work at two jobs to support him and his four younger sisters . He had done what he could to help his mother , by supervising his siblings to keep the house clean , the meals cooked and homework all done . Tony thought females were more difficult to manage than males , but capable of greater creativity when handled properly . " Oh ? " Tony asked , trying to figure out which of Anne 's female managers would be the most likely to come up with a weird answer to a personnel problem . " What did she recommend ? " Tony swallowed audibly . He found this discussion of a grown woman being spanked surprisingly erotic . Anne looked down at her shoes as she forged ahead . " I think I agree with this course of action . A spanking will straighten her out . " Anne looked up and added , " Of course she didn 't know I was talking about her or that she was prescribing a spanking for herself . " and perhaps you should , but I hope my many contributions to this company merit my getting another chance … " She was sobbing when she stopped . She trembled all over , waiting for his response . Collins Concise Dictionary says a " martinet is a person who maintains strict discipline , esp . in a military force " and goes on to attribute the word to 17th century French . There is , however , another meaning which Collins is , apparently , too prim to mention ! The martinet is an elegant French implement of correction comprising a handle and a dozen or so leather thongs . It is best applied to the tender curves of a bare bottom . Our tale concerns both definitions . Greendale Academy for Young Ladies was situated in a fine Victorian house just outside the village of Greendale . Additional modern buildings provided dormitory accommodation for 500 or so ' young ladies ' and the entire estate was enclosed by an 8 foot brick wall giving , it was believed , total security for the damsels and keeping them safe from the rude village folk ! The school was welcomed by the grocer , butcher and other village tradesmen but resented by those whose total annual income fell somewhat short of the fees paid for one term 's tuition at the school . The school had a well - earned reputation for strict discipline rigorously enforced by the Head Mistress , Miss Millicent Maltravers , and her staff . Corporal punishment was the norm and was applied upon the seat of the school knickers or , more usually , the deliciously bare bottoms of malefactors ! The Academy and its student body were a matter of much testosterone - fuelled speculation on the part of the young bloods of the village . Senior girls , those of 16 , 17 or 18 years , were permitted to visit the village unchaperoned but always in groups or pairs . Haughty and aloof but utterly desirable , they could be seen strolling down the hill to the village , taking afternoon tea in the Copper Kettle and visiting the one or two shops of which Miss Maltravers approved . The schoolgirls ' outfits they were required to wear could not conceal the burgeoning womanhood of these glorious proud creatures . Their progress through the village was watched with considerable interest by more than one pair of hungry male eyes ! Rumours of the strict regime had filtered out and the thought of these young ladies bending over to receive the cane on their pretty bottoms or lying across Miss Maltravers lap for an old style spanking was more than somewhat stimulating . A well founded rumour was especially thrilling to the lads . It concerned two girls who were said to have been caught smoking by a member of staff and marched back to the school to face Miss Maltravers . They had , of course , been expelled forthwith . Their parents were phoned and asked to come at once to take their disgraced offspring home . While waiting for the parents to arrive Miss Maltravers made good use of the time available to her . She had caned them both most soundly ! The girls , one after the other , had been made to bend over and clasp their ankles , the Head had then lifted their skirts and pulled down their knickers and , quite unmoved by the weeping girls ' pleas , given each twelve strokes of the cane across the bare bottom . Yes , twelve ! After their beatings the culprits had , it was said , been made to stand in the corner of the Head 's study with their hands on their heads and their skirts pinned up clear of their bruised bottoms . Yes , dear reader , it was indeed a strict regime . All young men are quite properly fascinated by pretty girls and long may they continue so to be . Some young men are especially interested by the thought of these pretty girls having their bottoms smacked for being naughty . Two residents of Greendale , Tommie Smith and Harry Hudson were particularly keen on the idea and were wont to wonder , as they watched the girls go by , which , if any , shapely young bottom bore the marks of the cane or the flush of a spanking . ( In fact it was unlikely any bore fresh weals as canings and spankings were invariably accompanied by loss of privileges and confinement to the Academy grounds ) Harry and Tommie developed a not entirely healthy interest in the topic of girls under such punishment . That interest centred upon bottoms and knickers ! The foolish lads devised a plan : a plan to steal a pair or two of the head girl 's knickers . That plan would lead to their downfall and a painful and shaming first hand experience of Miss Maltravers and her coterie of 6th formers . Polly Perkins , the waitress at the Copper Kettle , had a foot in both camps . As a village girl she had been born and raised with our two lads and quite enjoyed their company . In the tea room she waited on the girls from the academy and found them entirely friendly and not at all ' snooty ' . Polly was an amiable girl who found it easy to make friends and to gain the confidence of others . She had learned from chat with the girls a great deal about the layout and the routines of the school . This intelligence she passed on to the boys who had taken her into their confidence concerning their scheme . She learned from them full details of the date , time and method of entry onto school premises . The boys had obviously overdosed on stories of SAS derring - do ! They planned a nighttime raid accessing the school grounds by scaling the wall at a point where they would be hidden from view by a small copse of trees adjacent to the wall . Once inside the grounds it would be a simple matter to make their way to the dormitory block and , based on the plan drawn up in conversation with Polly , find their way to the study - bedroom of the head girl , Miss Persephone Prendergast . They would enter the room as she slept , locate her dressing table , access the knickers drawer and lay their trembling hands upon the confections found therein ! They would leave the school by the same route by which they had entered clutching their trophies . Flushed with success beneath the camouflage paint on their faces they would then withdraw to the safety of the village pub ! Such was the plan ! Polly was on the horns of a dilemma . She was torn between her loyalty to the lads as a village girl and to her new found friends from the school . In the end it was clear to her where her duty lay . Duty to her sex ! Sisters under the skin and all that . She could not come to terms with the idea that she had been of assistance to the lads . She knew how her friends would suffer embarrassment at the thought of those two lads fumbling with their knickers ! No , it would not do , not do at all , she would tell all she knew . So Polly let her contacts from the academy into the details of the plot and felt much happier having done so . She was a mischievous lass and could not help getting a kick out of playing a part in bringing Harry and Tommie to their nemesis . The day arrived for the boys to put into action their hair - brained scheme . Little did they know that they had been comprehensively betrayed ! Their plan was now doomed to failure and they to a most shaming and painful punishment ' in front of the girls ' . Tom and Harry set off at about 10 o ' clock on a warm and dark summer 's evening . Scaling the perimeter wall was as easy as Polly had suggested it would be and they dropped silently into the copse . Getting their bearings they set off across the deserted park to the dormitory block happily unaware that their every move was being observed and reported upon . Forewarned by the devious Polly the girls had devised their own plan and , as the first line of defense , had posted three members of the 1st eleven in the copse . Penny , Prue and Pamela , according to the plan , had waited for the boys to arrive and , after letting them pass unhindered on their way , had sent to Persephone , the head girl , a text message " Tally ho " - ' enemy in sight ' ! Persephone at once set off round the dorms alerting her ' troops ' who were fully briefed on the drill . They were to hop into bed , fully clothed , and lie low . Three dozen healthy young women ready and willing to impose their will upon two silly young men . No contest ! As the boys tiptoed out of the cover of the trees and crept off towards the dormitory house Penny led her team after them keeping them in sight at all times but taking care not to be seen themselves . Part of the ruse devised by Persephone and her comrades concerned access to the house . The side door was to be left ajar ; the boys were to be told that this was to allow girls out after hours to get safely back . This intelligence was passed to the boys by the naughty Polly who added , for their titillation , the fact that girls caught out after hours were invariably soundly spanked on their bare bottoms ! How the boys had sniggered at the thought . Penny watched as the boys entered the back door and texted the head girl the pre - arranged message " Stand by ! " . Now came the most critical part of the boys ' plan and also of Persephone 's counter plan . Testosterone pulsed through their veins as the boys breathed in the heady perfume of girls ! They made their way up the stairs to the second floor on which was Persephone 's room . She lay , her heart pounding , feigning sleep but very much on the alert . Penny 's team followed the boys upstairs cutting off their retreat . It was vital at this stage that the boys should have no inkling they were in trouble , the girls could have caught them now but wanted them ' bang to rights ' with their hands on the head girl 's knickers ! Tom and Harry made their way to Persephone 's room their pulses quickening as they heard her gentle breathing . They crept inside unaware that their every step was now being followed not only by the head girl but also by Penny 's outriders . They found her knickers drawer exactly as briefed by Polly , gently opened the drawer and , suppressing their sniggering with difficulty , took out two pairs of Persephone 's most delicately feminine frilly pants ! The air was sundered by the piercing tone of a referee 's whistle ! The well laid trap was sprung and they were caught ! Lights came on all through the house and the boys found themselves surrounded by a veritable army of angry , vengeful girls . Cameras flashed as hard evidence was collected of Tom and Harry clutching their trophies . They knew they had failed but felt sure they could laugh it off . After all , they thought , no harm had been done , no one had been hurt . They had no idea just how much they had offended the girls . They were not to be let off . It was perhaps fortunate that they had no idea what now lay in store for them , no idea whatsoever ! Persephone rose from her bed fully clothed in all her glory as head girl and looked the boys over . " Well , well " she said , her voice seductively sexy " Who 's a naughty boy , then ? Who 's needs to have his bottie smacked ? " The boys were utterly defeated , hardly able to understand what had happened they nonetheless realised they were at the mercy of these formidable girls . Their buttocks clenched as they came to terms with the realisation that , somehow , they were going to be beaten ! They stood before Persephone , heads hanging , and awaited to learn their fate . Persephone was very much in charge . She addressed the excited gaggle of girls . " Thank you girls " she said " Well done all of you ! Now , you junior girls , back to bed and sweet dreams ! Sixth Formers come with me to take these wretches to meet the Head Mistress . Seize them , girls , and come with me ! " So Harry and Tom found themselves pinioned by their captors and marched off accompanied by the ironic cheers of the girls . Persephone led the way followed by Penny , Prue and Pamela together with Prunella who dragged Tom and Philomena , Phyllida , Pansie and Pauline holding the abject Harry . This solemn party set off to Miss Maltravers ' study . The Head Mistress had been fully briefed by Persephone and had given her consent to the plan on the clear understanding that no summary punishment would be handed down by the girls . ( Persephone , for one , would have loved to spank the lads herself ) Miss Maltravers said she would ' see to ' the boys and that they would be beaten in front of the entire school in the morning at assembly . They would be detained overnight and given the opportunity to consider their foolish and disgraceful conduct and to contemplate their well deserved and humiliating punishment . They did not sleep well ! The happy sound of excited girlish chatter filled the hall at 9 o ' clock the next morning . It was time for Assembly and the girls had reason to believe this was to be a bit special ! Everyone knew about last night 's adventures indeed most had been involved to some extent . They did not know for certain that the boys were still on site or what was about to happen to them . Persephone called " Quiet girls , all rise " and silence fell on the room as 500 girls rose from their seats to await the Head Mistress and other members of staff . Miss Maltravers and her colleagues processed down the hall and mounted the stage . Assembly began . A hearty rendering of the school song was followed by a prayer and a hymn . Then came ' announcements ' and that was when this assembly became rather special indeed . The Head reminded the girls of the disgraceful business of the night before sparing Persephone 's blushes by not referring directly to her knickers but congratulating her and the other 6th formers for the courage and dedication they had displayed . Their conduct had been exemplary in very trying circumstances . The girls applauded . The Head then went on " It has always been my aim to establish good , friendly relationships with the village community . Relationships based on mutual respect . These two young men have put that relationship at risk . It is my intention , girls , to punish them both most severely here and now in front of the whole school " An excited burst of chatter was stilled as she snapped " Silence ! " and turning to the back of the stage said " Bring them in ! " and the miserable pair , under close escort , were led onto the stage . They looked around in fright at this hall full of girls all seeking revenge . Miss Maltravers looked them up and down . " Look at me ! " The boys dragged their eyes from the floor and faced this avenging figure . " Your conduct last night was quite appalling and must be punished . Punished most severely . You insulted the whole school last night and the whole school should see you brought to book . Take down your trousers ! " " Oh ! " gasped 500 girlie voices ! Miss Maltravers produced the martinet from the folds of her gown and held it up for the two to see . " Now " she repeated the dread phrase so feared by naughty boys over the years " Take down your trousers ! " . The boys reacted to the command in different ways . Tom , sullen but realistic , knew there was no way out . He began to do as directed his eyes shifting nervously to that martinet . Harry , made of less stern stuff , began to blubber and beg ! " Take his trousers down , girls " said the Head coldly . " Take the little baby 's trousers down for him ! " He didn 't resist but stood , blubbering with fright , as three healthy teenage girls took his trousers down for him . They let the garment fall to the floor around his ankles . Tom stood beside his accomplice holding his trousers in his hand . " Bring me that chair , please " said Miss Maltravers and one of the 6th Formers obliged placing the chair centre stage . The Head went over to it and sat down . There puzzled glances amongst the girls . Persephone , who had , some years ago , received 6 strokes of that martinet across the creamy curves of her delicious young bottom , recalled being made to bend over while the Head stood close beside her to apply the martinet . Oh , she recalled , it had HURT ! She would never forget a single detail of her punishment and was sure ' Miss ' had not been seated . What was going on ? ( ' Miss ' , by the way , was convinced that that little beating had saved Persephone from ' going to the dogs ' . Persephone was not so sure ! ) The Head called Tom . " Come here , please " and watched the lad , his stomach churning and his bottom twitching , as he went to her side . " I expect you remember how mummie used to spank you when you were naughty . She put you over her knee , didn 't she ? " He nodded miserably . " Well , your conduct last night was so silly , so childish , that you deserve to be punished like a little boy . Get across my knee , I 'm sure you remember how to do that ? Over my knee so that I can get at your bottom ! " There was a burst of nervous giggles from the body of the hall . " Quiet , girls , please " As Tom bent forward to put himself across the knee his shirt rode up at the back and exposed , not a pair of boys ' underpants but a very girlie pair of knickers stretched across his buttocks ! They were white with a pretty floral design similar to those worn by Kylie in the photo set where she 's spanked by our Sassy ! Miss Maltravers explained all ! " These revolting boys stole some underwear last night and it seemed only right , if they were so attracted by such garments , that they should be made to wear them for their punishment ! They 'll not be wearing them for long , though girls ! At least not on their bottoms ! They 'll come down and the punishment will be on his bare bottom just like his mummie used to do . " Tom moaned Miss raised her hand and gave the martinet a little shake then she took it back over her shoulder and brought is swishing down across Tom 's bottom . A startled expression and a sharp intake of breath ! Tom had his very first taste of the martinet . Harry , now sobbing watched in abject misery as angry red marks suffused his pal 's bare bottom . Again the martinet lashed down and again and again . Persephone standing close by and watching recalled how her bottom had felt when she had the martinet ! She slipped her hands round and caressed her seat , remembering ! Tom 's bottom was already a mass of weals and he grunted with pain as she gave him another and another and another stroke . He was counting ! That was seven , five more ! As he writhed across Miss 's soft , yielding lap he experienced very mixed emotions and sensations . His bare bottom was a mass of pain yet he felt a sense of excitement as , held down over this luscious lap , he was thrashed with her martinet . Eight , nine , ten . Tom counted . Eleven , twelve ! It was over ! Millicent Maltravers paused before easing Persephone 's knickers back up over his flayed bottom . She said " Stand up ! " She could not help admiring the way , the dignity almost , with which he had taken his thrashing . Stiffly he rose from her lap and got to his feet . Tom stood before the massed crowd of girls , ruefully rubbing his bottom and said " I am sorry . " His voice was wobbly . " I am so sorry " Harry 's thrashing was not a very edifying business . He behaved very , very badly weeping and refusing to cooperate . The girls grabbed him and dragged him , howling with fright , over to the chair . Helped by the girls Miss persuaded Harry over her knee . " Hold him down , girls , he 'll not stay here without your help ! " Once in place and held down by strong hockey playing girls his shirt was lifted and his knickers exposed ! He wore a pretty pair of red pants with lace panels . They were of a silky texture which tormented him as they rubbed sexily against him . After giving the assembled girls time to admire this fine pair of Persephone 's drawers Miss Maltravers eased them down ! He wailed piteously as he knew what was coming and howled as it whipped across his bare bottom . Harry did not take his beating well ! He squirmed and kicked , or tried to kick but his legs were pinioned by two of his tormentresses who had an excellent view of the action . He tried to escape from the Head 's skilful attention but he was held by another pair of vengeful girls who looked with interest at his flushed and tearstained face as the martinet did its work . " Poor boy " murmured Phyllida insincerely " I don 't think he 's enjoying this ! " Prue , grasping his right arm , giggled ! " Well , would you ? " she asked . " Girls " snapped Miss Maltravers . " Sorry , Miss " . As we have seen with Tom 's whipping the martinet can make a nice mess of a boy 's bottom and Miss Maltravers did not hold back . She had , of course , applied the dread instrument to more than one girl 's bottom since her appointment but those whippings had been without passion . She had beaten ' her ' girls because it was her duty to beat them . With these two boys , however , there was passion enough and some to spare ! She despised what they had done last night and she thrashed them hard and long . Twelve strokes , well placed and well spaced ; was a very sound punishment and to have it in public and a la maman on the bare bottom was just what they needed . Miss MaltraversIt was over and Harry hung over her knee and wept like a baby . Polly , who at Persephone 's suggestion had been invited to witness the punishment , felt slightly ill at ease but , when she thought of those grubby fingers fiddling with the Head Girl 's knickers , she was sure she 'd been right ! The boys , of course , would never know of her betrayal although they did wonder just what had gone wrong . They kept their guilty secret ! This letter may never reach anyone , but I have written it nevertheless so that any who find it may know we are alive . I pray that this bottle , sealed with wax , may some day reach our families and be of some consolation to them . I fear , however , that we might never see home again . Here we are , stranded here on this Island , trapped in all likelihood and awaiting an unknown fate . I am Lt Commander Will Fletcher and with me are Lt 's Jed Folks and Randall Craft . We were stationed in Fort Lauderdale . On a routine training mission northeast of Bermuda , we flew our trainers into a very thick and very strange fog bank . We lost contact with our base and eventually had to ditch as fuel ran out . I managed to launch my raft and found Jed and Randall in rafts in the water . Together we floated through a strange mist that lasted for days . We had no idea of our bearings . We were being carried , but could not tell in which direction we were going . We floated until at last the mist cleared and , carried by currents , we washed up on this Island . It is a tropical island typical of islands in the West Indies . There is abundant fruit here and water gushes from cataracts in the inland mountains . It appears to be a large island , but we cannot tell where it is . At night the patterns of the stars are unfamiliar and we cannot get our bearings to fix our position . We spent several days on the beach , searching the horizon , hoping for rescue . Seeing none we turned our attentions inland . We 'd need food , shelter and water to survive . We also wondered if there were other inhabitants of this place . It was on the fourth day that they appeared . To our utter amazement the " natives " who walked out of the bush and accosted us were female - all of them . They were a mixture of white and brown skinned women . Some had blond hair , others dark hair , other in between and their features were a mix of many races , which we found exceedingly odd . Some looked Nordic , like Swedes . Some looked like denizens of southern Europe , perhaps of Italian or Spanish lineage . They wore very little , their dress consisting of short leathers about their waists like loincloths or a thong and a small strip of leather across the breasts . The most amazing thing was that each was in her own way , beautiful . In fact we had never seen such a collection of beautiful women gathered together in one place . We are Navy men and could certainly appreciate that . They carried spears and bows for hunting , and upon coming across us , they were suspicious , I am sure . They leveled the spears at us and motioned for us to follow their leader . It must have been a hunting party we figured , because they carried game they had killed . We had no choice but to follow them to their village . The village lay several kilometers inland , in a verdant valley . It was a gorgeous place with waterfalls and lush jungle , lagoons and distant mountain peaks . Their chief was a woman of amazing stature , a bronzed blue - eyed blond , tall and of regal bearing . I put her age at about 35 with a figure that would rival any Playboy centerfold . In fact most of the women in the " tribe " were between the teenage years and young adulthood . There were no men , few very young , or very old women . They spoke an odd language which seemed a mix of many languages that some of us had heard , including a bit that sounded like English . Over time we did pick up their language and now speak it fluently , but those first few weeks we struggled to communicate . By gesture and drawing in the dirt we explained our plight to this queen of their tribe and were able to communicate that we meant them no harm and were not a threat . We were certainly objects of considerable attention since , as we came to find out , they had lived without men for some time . The men , we were told , had departed in canoes to find other islands , or perhaps other tribes . Why they had done this we could not , at the time , fathom . To say we were objects of much interest is putting it mildly . They fussed and fawned over us and it was a heady experience to be the object of such attention from beautiful women . We were each assigned three females whose job it was to feed us , give us shelter and see to our needs . We dragged what items we had salvaged from our life rafts back to the village and set up residence with our three appointed helpers . Those first few days were spent recuperating from our ordeal at sea and learning what we could of their language . At this time we were separated such that each of us had his own " household " . Things went well . The women were attentive and we had everything we could need . Being men ( and Navy men at that ) and they being women with no men around , things began to take an amorous turn as you might expect . There was certainly mutual interest , but as we were unsure of our status , we held off some initial advances . That all changed , however . We 'd been there a week when there was a fracus . The queen , whose name we learned was Sheela , sent for us . When we arrived in the center of the village we were met by Sheela , her handmaids and warriors and a girl who was bound . It was explained to us that she had stolen an object of ours . It turned out to be a watch and the girl , named Rhea , had been caught . We were there to witness justice being meted out . The punishment for Rhea was apparently to be branded with a symbol meaning " thief " and fires were being stoked for that very purpose . We were horrified that such a harsh punishment would be given for what we figured was mainly curiosity . I spoke earnestly with Queen Sheela trying to convince her that we were not offended and to let the girl off . I conveyed that we got the watch back and all was ok . Sheela insisted that the girl had to be punished . I then had an idea . I told Sheela that back where we came from , there was a suitable punishment for girls who took things and that I would personally punish the girl . She thought about this but then agreed . Well , what I had in mind was what had happened to my sister Betty when she took money from mother 's purse and was found out . What she got was a good sound spanking from mother with the back of her hairbrush . So I took Rhea by the arm , pulled her over to a fallen log and sat down . The women watched as I tipped Rhea across my knee and rucked up her little loincloth . Like all the women there , Rhea was a real beauty with a curvy figure . Her shapely bare bottom upended over my lap was giving me thoughts that had nothing to do with punishment . But I resolved to make it a good one , for her sake , to spare her the branding . So I spanked her bottom briskly , the slaps ringing out loudly . All could see Rhea 's wobbling cheeks take on a reddish hue as I spanked her soundly I thought , at least enough to make it look like real punishment . She squirmed and flailed around but I held her securely , just as I had seen my mother do with my sisters when chastisement was called for . I smacked her cute behind for several minutes while she wriggled and squirmed , her bottom bouncing and bucking over my knees . It must have stung pretty good since my own hand stung . I let her up eventually and she danced around frantically rubbing her behind , much to the amusement of her fellows . Queen Sheela was apparently satisfied and let the girl go . After that there was much discussion and chatter about what had just happened . We got the idea that spanking as a punishment was not practiced here , but that the whole incident had made a big impression on the tribe . After that the tribe seemed to take to the idea . We were called on again when a pair of hunters had been derelict in their duties . By this time I had learned enough of the language that I was able to understand that Sheela wanted us to punish these two like Rhea had been punished . So Jed and I sat down side by side and took the two huntresses over our knees and proceeded to redden their backsides . We carried out the sentence , a brisk spanking , amid much carrying on until the girls were squalling lustily and two sets of bare bottoms were red and hot to the touch . Sheela finally called a halt to it . The two women were properly chastened by the experience if the vigor with which they rubbed their well punished rears was any indication . A more serious incident occurred still later when two of the women got into a fight which left one with a bloody nose and the other with a black eye . After discussing it , I suggested that for an offense like this , a switching might be called for as I had seen momma do with my sisters . I took a penknife and cut a long switch from a nearby plant that had tough stringy shoots . I suggested that the girls be bound to an overhead tree branch and their ankles hobbled . After baring the girls ' bottoms I took a switch and applied about a dozen sharp strokes to each , alternating between them a stroke at a time . They shrieked and danced about as I plied the switch , and it was apparently a satisfying spectacle , because a dozen strokes satisfied Sheela . Thus , we had unwittingly established a new protocol for maintaining harmony in the tribe . And there were unintended consequences . We began to receive amorous advances from females who had been spanked . The night after the huntresses had been punished , both Jed and I were approached by those same two women , who told us they bore us no hard feelings . They led us off to what they termed a secret spot which was a jungle pool with a gorgeous waterfall . They divested us of our clothes then they stripped down to nothing . Bare we swam for a while in the pool before Lily , the one I had attended to , led me off to a private place of hers where our natural inclinations took over and we made love on a bed of soft ferns . This happened more than once . In addition , our own methods of keeping house with our assigned attendants , who rotated weekly , included spankings for petty faults which seemed to lead to bouts of lovemaking . A squabble between females for one thing or another was put down by turning one or both of them across our knees and applying a paddling until squeals and promises to be good were forthcoming . Obviously this activity aroused us quite visibly to the girls and they took full advantage . The one who got the spanking would demand to be comforted and forgiven , and how could we refuse ? Finally there was Queen Sheela herself . She approached me one day and had me follow her to a grove some distance from the village . She told me that she was very happy with the new disciplinary regime we had introduced , but she felt that as queen and leader she could not require her subjects to undergo such punishment without experiencing it herself . With that she stripped off her garments and in her glorious nakedness , took me by the hand and led me to a broad tree stump where she asked me to sit down . She then placed herself across my knees until her full and magnificently shaped buttocks were positioned at the apex of my lap . She told me to lay on hard and not hold back for she wanted to feel what a real punishment spanking was like . I did as she requested and smacked her jouncy bottom hard with the flat of my hand , giving her four of five slow deliberate smacks to opposite cheeks which elicited a little gasp . She told me to continue and I began to spank her wonderfully rounded bottom with volleys of spanks that made the cheeks wobble and dance . She writhed across my lap in a sensuous dance as my palm smacked one cheek then the other . She hissed and groaned a time or two but did not attempt to escape or call a halt . I spanked until her behind was as red as I had made the others . Then I stopped and lifted her to her feet . Her eyes were watery but she was not crying , but I saw that she seemed truly amazed that something like the flat of my hand applied to her bottom could produce such a ferocious sting . Her eyes were wide with wonder as she rubbed her flaming rear vigorously . But we were not done . After she had cooled off a bit she cut a switch for herself . I told her she did not need to do this but she put her finger to my lips and shook her head . She found a low branch and bent over gripping it . She willingly thrust her bottom out and told me to give her a good switching like I had done with the others . I obliged and whipped her lush bottom a dozen times raising red stripes . Her body would stiffen as I laid on each stripe . Sometimes she moaned and shifted from foot to foot , but she held on to the branch . After the dozen strokes I had her rise . I embraced her to comfort her and she responded with a passion that took my breath away . She was like an aroused lioness as she pulled me down in the grass and we engaged in a bout of passionate lovemaking that left us limp and satiated . While this was going on , unbeknownst to me , Jed and Randall had been exploring . There was a path into the jungle that the women had indicated as " taboo " , but with Sheela nowhere to be found , they were able to slip away . Later they told me what they had found . The path led to a clearing deep in the jungle at the base of a cliff . There were cave openings in the cliff face . In the clearing were piles of bones - human bones , and an immense iron cook pot . Randall who has had some experience with such things declared the bones to be those of adult males . So we all had the same thought - were these the bones of the missing men ? Who was responsible ? Was there a cannibal tribe in the area in addition to the women ? Or a beast in the caves ? Or a worse thought - had the women lied to us ? Was a similar fate in store for us ? We noticed that they had fed us very well , pampering us and attending to our every need . The spankings had aroused their passions and we had engaged in furious bouts of lovemaking with dozens of them . It is seemingly a male paradise but now it appears to us that paradise has a dark side . When I was ten I fell in love with an older woman . I was at a day camp for boys ( I guess I don 't recall if girls were there . I don 't think so ) and the counselors were mostly college girls . I was absolutely , uncontrollably and totally smitten by my counselor , a cute brunette named Kim … or Kit , or something like that . Anyway it was a case of puppy love in full bloom . All I wanted to do was be around her , follow in her wake , bathe in her attention . [ This story and others may be found in the collection Strict Ladies and Naughty Boys , Volume 2 . Scroll down the panel on your right for the cover and the link . Also available for Nook and at iTunes . ] " Amanda , thank goodness you are here . We 're late for the party and it has been quite a day . We haven 't had time to attend to much needed chores . I hope you don 't mind . I left you a list in the kitchen . " " Sure , Mrs H . I don 't mind . " They paid her really well . This was a frequent job that she did not want to lose . " Just so you know , Eric was a complete pill today - fighting with his sister , broke a window in Mrs MacDougal 's garage , coming in late . Oooh ! I am just beside myself . " Mrs Heath grimaced in frustration . " We just didn 't have time to cope with it all . And I am so angry I don 't trust myself to even deal with Eric right now . He 's banished to his room . I don 't have time so you 'll have to deal with him . " Amanda shook her head . Eric was a typical teenage boy - all supercharged energy and boisterousness . At his age though , he was getting a bit big for a sitter . Amanda guessed that they still wanted her for Melinda , the 11 year old , who was at a movie and due to return later . " It 's ok , Mrs H . Eric and I get along swell . " Amanda had to laugh to herself . That was an understatement . He usually stuck to her like glue on nights when she babysat , and she 'd been doing it for years . Eric would hang around her all night . He 'd be doing little things for her , showing off his hobbies , asking her to play cards or games with him , constantly vying for her attention . And all the time fixing her with that loopy grin of his , desperately seeking to please , just like an eager puppy . Why he wanted to hang around her , Amanda could not fathom . True , she was a statuesque brunette and very popular with the boys , but she was older than he was . She was aware that she was thought of by the boys as " hot . " She had lustrous dark hair that cascaded below her shoulders , a thirty six inch bust , long legs and an hour glass shape . Still , she thought teenage boys wanted to hang out with their buddies , not with an " older woman " like her . After all , she was a college graduate and Eric was still in high school . What ? She reread it . That 's what it said . This couldn 't be right . She had to think back . Eric had blushingly admitted once that his parents did , on occasion , spank . And there was that one time that Mrs Heath had smiled at her as they were leaving and said , " If they give you any trouble , you have my permission to dish out spankings . " The kids had said , " Awww , mom . " Mrs Heath had pointed at them with her finger and said , " So behave ! " Amanda had laughed nervously . Had the woman been serious ? But this ? Wow . She had seemed really put out with Eric . Was this a chore she just didn 't want to do or have time to do ? From her own experience she knew that parents , when they decided that a spanking was in order , did not like to delay the act . So in a way it made sense - of a sort . She had been their babysitter for years . Why not trust her with this disagreeable chore ? But spanking Eric ? He was a teenager . Wasn 't he a little too old for that ? But if that is what they expected of her … . She looked up at the second floor . Eric 's door was still closed . With a sigh she ascended the stairs . Might as well get it over with , she decided . She knocked on the door softly . " Eric ? Eric ? We have to talk . " She heard a muffled ' yes ' from behind the door . She turned the knob , pushed the door open . Eric was seated on the bed , knees up , body slumped forward hiding his face . " I know what it said . I was there when she wrote it . But do you … I mean are you really going to , you know … . do it ? " His face was a picture of teenage angst . Amanda decided then . No . She couldn 't do this . The hell with the note . Eric and she were friends . She couldn 't punish him like a six - year - old who runs into the street . " No , I won 't do it , " she said . She dropped the note on the bed and got up to leave . " No wait . " Eric 's voice caught her at the door . She turned . Eric stood up . With a big sigh he said , " If you don 't do it my mom will - or dad . And she 's so mad at me . It will be after church tomorrow and all that time she 'll just be steaming . " His head slumped . " I 'd just rather get it over with . " Amanda stopped and thought . She understood . It was no fun having to go about your day dreading a punishment . He 'd sit in church the next day no doubt squirming with anxiety as to what awaited him when they got back home . He 'd have to endure the sharp looks , the barely repressed anger , then that awful command - go to your room and get ready . " Mom sits on the bed . I have to stand next to her , on her right . She asks me to repeat what I did and say I deserve to be punished . Then she … she … takes my pants down . I have to go across her knee . " " No … but I 'd rather you did it than mom . " He shuffled his feet , looking down . From what Amanda could see he looked pretty miserable and embarrassed about what was going to happen . " I can 't go easy on you , you know that . " He nodded . " I 'm not going to lie to your mom and say I gave you a good spanking if I didn 't . " " All right , but I want you to cooperate . No jumping up , no putting your hand back , none of that . Can you be brave and take your medicine ? " Amanda brushed her hair back and sat up straight . " Ok , Eric , " she pointed with her finger , " then stand over here . " Eric obediently moved to her right side . " Now , tell me what you did that lead to all of this . " Eric took a deep breath . " I broke Mrs MacDougal 's window . Mom said not to play ball out there , but we did and somebody threw wild . " She looked up at him sharply . Amanda steeled herself . She was going to have to be a different person now . Not the sweet , friendly sitter that Eric doted upon , but a new Amanda , a no nonsense disciplinarian performing an unpleasant , but necessary task . " Very well , Eric , " she said squaring her shoulders . " I 'm going to give you a spanking . It will be a good one , just so we understand ourselves . There will be no set number of spanks but … . " She eyed Eric 's clock . " It will go for three minutes . One minute of good sound spanking for each offense . Does that sound fair to you ? " " All right , then . " Eric stiffened as Amanda inserted her fingers into Eric 's shorts . She dragged down the athletic shorts and white cotton underpants in one yank . And was startled to see Eric 's stiff penis pointed right at her face and bobbing up and down like a pendulum . She looked up at him , eyes wide . Amanda sighed . Boys . She guessed it was the anxiety . And , she told herself , he 's only a teenager . All raging hormones . He can 't control anything , least of all his penis . She had to admit being startled , not only at the erection , but its size . Why , he was like a full grown man . She hated to admit it , but at the sight of the prominent erection she felt her own faint stir of arousal . With a soft groan Eric lowered himself across Amanda 's thighs . Amanda was wearing shorts herself and it was s shock to feel the boy 's mid section make contact with her in such an intimate way . She felt his hard penis slide along the top of her left thigh , imprisoned there by his weight . She forced the sensation out of her mind . She had a job to do . " Look at the clock . When the second hand goes by twelve , I 'll start . You 'll tell me when it 's been three minutes , ok ? " She rested her hand on his bottom , patting . She felt him shiver . " Good boy . And just so you know , I 'm really sorry I have to do this . " The seconds hand passed 12 . Amanda raised her arm to shoulder height and brought it down with a loud crack , right on the center of Eric 's bottom , spanning the divide between the boyish cheeks . " Owoooh ! " Eric yelped . She quickly raised it again and brought it down again delivering another sharp smack to the same place . Eric hissed , drawing air through his teeth . She drew back and placed another spank on the same spot . It made a red hand print . " Yeowch , " yipped Eric . A half dozen smacks later , she felt she was getting the hang of it . Amanda increased the tempo , settling into a rhythm . She spaced the spanks out all over Eric 's bottom but concentrated on the undersides of the wobbly cheeks . Right where he sat , she thought . Eric tensed and relaxed , flinching at times . He grunted in pain , obviously trying not to cry out . Poor kid , he was trying to be brave , she thought as she continued to pepper his bottom cheeks with hard ringing smacks . It stung her hand enough , it must be stinging him . She looked at the clock . One minute had passed . She paused for a second or two then resumed . " Ow … ow … ahhh … ow ! " Eric bleated now with almost every smack . His bottom was getting red . The spanking was faster now - rapid volleys that impacted his cheeks and caused a nearly continuous ripple . Handprints had merged into an overall red flush . Amanda realized she was sweating and that Eric was too . He was wriggling across her lap . She shifted him a bit to get a better grip . She paused to wipe her brow with her forearm . Licking her lips , she resumed the punishment with a volley of brisk spanks that made Eric arch his body inversely . He let out a long anguished groan . She looked again . One minute to go . She slowed down , bringing her hand down hard , each spank deliberately placed . Eric gasped . He began to rock , sliding across her thighs . As she increased the tempo again he humped up and down , wriggling like an eel . His legs fluttered as if vainly seeking relief from the searing heat of the intense smacking . Twenty seconds to go . Almost there , she thought . Suddenly Eric jerked frantically , back and forth across her knee , then his body went stiff . Amanda felt the explosion of a jet of warm sticky fluid on her thighs . Instantly she realized what had just happened . Eric had climaxed . The friction of his penis rubbing her thighs had caused him to come . The seconds hand passed 12 . " Eric ! " she exclaimed . " Look what you did ! " She hauled him up and stood him on his feet . " Get me a tissue . " Before Eric could react she saw a box and grabbed one . " Eric , I don 't know what to say ! " " I 'm sorry , I 'm sorry , " cried Eric . " It just happened . " His face was flushed with embarrassment . He shifted from foot to foot , rubbing his bottom . " Ok , Eric . It 's all right . It was an accident . Come here . " She took him in her arms for a hug . It had been an intense emotional experience . Eric leaned his head on her shoulder . She patted his back , oblivious to the fact that he was still naked below the waist . For a few minutes she just hugged him . " There … now , it 's all right . It 's done . " She pulled back . " Better pull your pants back up . " She smiled . " Then you can come downstairs and we 'll have some ice cream . Would you like that ? " Eric appeared to be in a daze . He just nodded . Later that night Eric lay in bed , stroking himself . He was approaching another climax - the third one since Amanda had left and he 'd gone to bed . It had been an impulse thing , adding that item to his mom 's note ( which had since been flushed down the toilet ) . He hadn 't really thought it through , he 'd just wanted to be close to her in any way that he could . But downstairs later he 'd had the presence of mind to ask her not to say anything to his mom unless she asked and , of course , she hadn 't . It had all been worth it . The humiliation of her pulling his pants down , going over her knee , the stinging pain , all of it . Just to be close to her , to feel her , to breathe her scent , to bear the smacks from her hand . Climaxing while enduring the spanking had been a bonus beyond his wildest dreams . Now the dull hot throb in his bottom from the spanking just made him all the more aroused . It had been HER hand striking him , he 'd lain across HER lap , he 'd come all over HER thighs . Pain , embarrassment , humiliation ? What did any of that matter to a man in love ? " Oh yeah , " said Misty . " I used to go to this summer camp for girls . I was sixteen and in sort of a senior cabin . Cabin 12 . Our counselors were juniors and seniors from the university , so they were about five years older . There were three other senior cabins and we were all highly competitive with each other . You know , who won the most at swimming races , who were the best horseback riders , things like that . We got into a real fierce rivalry with cabin 18 , one of the other senior cabins . We even competed on cabin inspections . You got points for having the best cabin and we all had chores assigned , so if you got dinged at inspection it was because someone failed to do their job . At first the other girls would just make sure you got scolded for missing some dust or whatever , but as the summer went on , the competition heated up . Our counselors were getting into it too . They wanted to win . Our counselor was a girl from State named Jennifer Johnston . She was a Phys Ed major - real pretty girl , a solid , tall athletic blonde who worked out all the time and was a water safety instructor . Her counterpart at cabin 18 was Claire Carson , a tall and voluptuous dark haired girl who mostly taught horseback riding . They were known as JJ and CC to all the girls and they didn 't like each other very much . " " Nothing , really , but it revealed a lot about Jen . Anyway , I had a birthday during the camp session and I told everybody , and I was all excited . Our cabin was going to get a cake at supper . Now , at this camp we had an outdoor shower facility . Typically you put on a big towel or a robe and walked up to the showers . So on my birthday I walked up there as usual , just before supper , and took a shower . When I got back to the cabin , all of my cabin mates , there were six of us to a cabin , were there and standing inside . They were all dressed and were just standing there grinning at me . Jen was seated in a chair in the middle of the cabin . And then everyone shouted ' happy birthday ! ' and Jen grinned and said , ' and what happens on birthdays ? ' and everybody shouted ' birthday spanking ! ' . They were all laughing , but before I could blink they ripped off my towel . I was stark naked underneath . Then Jen grabbed me and pulled me down , right over her knee , just like some naughty schoolgirl . I was mortified beyond belief , but everyone else thought it was great fun . There I was , just squirming and wiggling over Jen 's lap , but Jen was strong and I couldn 't get up . She rubbed her hand around on my bottom , patting it and said , ' how old is Misty today ? ' Somebody said ' seventeen , ' and Jen said ' seventeen it is . ' " The next thing I felt was this crisp smack ! from Jen 's hand on my bare behind . Everybody said , ' one ! ' . Then another smack , then another . All the while my cabin mates are counting . The smacks stung . She spanked one cheek , then the other . Sometimes right square across the middle . I was struggling and yelping , but to no avail . The spanks just kept coming as Jen worked her way up to seventeen . My behind was burning hot . I could see the absolute glee on my friends ' faces as I got the birthday spanking of a lifetime as they counted … . smack ! ' fifteen ' … smack ! … . ' sixteen ' … . smack ! … ' seventeen ' . Finally I got the last ' one to grow on ' , which was harder by far than the others , by the way , and Jen let me go . They were all laughing as I jumped up in the nude and danced around rubbing my bottom which must have been ten shades of red . " The camp director who ran everything was a big blonde matronly woman in her forties named Dottie Findlay . Every morning we had cabin inspection and she 'd come though inspecting cabins one by one . We stood by our bunks while she looked around and made sure everything was ship shape . If she found dust or grime or things out of place you got dinged for it . " So one day Dottie came though and we lost points because the walk in front wasn 't swept . Donna Sanders was supposed to have done it , but she 'd been yakking and fooling around before inspection and it didn 't get done . Everybody was mad at Donna and we all started in on her . It got pretty heated but Jen stepped in and said , ' Girls , there 's a better way to handle this . ' And she pulled out her sorority paddle from her locker . She let us pass it around and hold it . It was a maple paddle , about eighteen inches long , four inches wide and three fourths of an inch thick . She said from now on if we all agreed , whoever caused us to lose points would get swats . She would decide how many and her decision would be final . She said if we really wanted to win , this would keep us on our toes . " We all gaped at the paddle and understood the implication , but in the end we agreed . We 'd do whatever it took to win . Even Donna , who was in the soup for that morning said yes . Jen said , ' Ok , if you all agree . We 'll institute a system and I 'll dish out paddle swats for anything that causes us to lose points . ' Then she addressed Donna and told her that she was ' it ' and that she should get three swats for the messy walk . We closed the cabin door and Jen told Donna to bend over and grab the steel frame of the bunk . We gathered around to watch , and the tension was really thick in that closed cabin . Donna was nervous , but she bent over . It made her butt stick out in her little camp shorts . Jen stood to her left and carefully lined up the paddle . " She tapped a time or two then reared back and smacked her with the paddle right on the center of her bottom . It made a loud pop ! And Donna hissed and jerked her head back . Then pop ! Pop ! Jen laid on two more swats , hard , about ten seconds apart . Donna stood up and rubbed frantically and hopped from foot to foot . Her eyes were as big as saucers . She said , ' Oh yeah , girls . That hurts . ' " And that came to be our method for dealing with mistakes that lost us points . If you didn 't do your job right , if you came in last at anything - it was swats . Usually the bill was three but it could be as high as six . Six would leave a girl blinking back tears . " If it was an inspection , right after . Otherwise , just before bed the day of the event . Sometimes you had to wait a day or two . Staff meetings and other duties would take Jen away from time to time . That was the worst , I think , having to wait for a day , knowing that when Jen had time it would be bottoms up for the paddle . And it got worse . At bedtime we were in tops and panties or shorty PJ 's which were even less protection . When you bent over and grabbed the bunk , there was frequently just one thin layer of nylon between you and that paddle . Some girls started wearing thicker PJ 's . So in order to make things perfectly fair , Jen said all paddlings should be bare , that that was how her college sorority did it . We reluctantly agreed . So from then on it was panties down when you bent over to take your licks . It was so embarrassing to have to drop your panties to your knees . We came to dread that command , ' ok , take your panties down and bend over . ' " Bare , it really , really stung . A smack on the bare bottom with a wooden paddle felt like a brand of fire . It was fascinating to watch , as long as you were not getting it . The first time someone got it bare it was a girl named Sarah Blake . She had been given a demerit at gym for poor sportsmanship . Demerits subtracted points from your cabin 's total , so that was really bad . So that night at bedtime Jen announced , ' Six swats , Sarah . ' Everyone else agreed . It had really hurt our chances . So Sarah stood at the head of her bunk and slid her panties down . She was a honey haired blonde , a little beauty . When she bent over her cute little bottom cheeks stuck out in the most adorable way . But then Jen took up her stance and patted her butt lightly . She clenched up but Jen told her it hurt more that way . Then Jen swung the paddle and it hit with a sharp crack ! Sarah 's bottom cheeks wobbled with the impact and she sucked her breath in with a ' hss … . ahh ' sound and stamped her feet . A few seconds later a red band rose on her skin . We watched breathlessly as Sarah took her licks . Each swat took maybe fifteen or twenty seconds because she had to calm down and resume her position after each one . I mean at each swat she 'd howl and jerk straight up and clap her hands to her bottom cheeks . Jen just waited , but after a few seconds told her she had to resume the position and stick it out . Then she 'd line up again , bring her arm back and crack ! the paddle would smack Sarah 's bottom . It was like that through all six swats and I know she struggled to take her paddling . " After that everyone redoubled their efforts . Every now and then , though , somebody had to take their panties down and bend over for swats . I know I did a couple of times . Once I got three and another time four and both times it hurt like blazes . Fran Breck , a real cute brunette , got it the most . But she had the butt for it - a real round fleshy bubble of a fanny . And boy did it wobble when Jen tanned it . We all yelped and did a little dance when that paddle toasted our bare fannies . " The competition kept getting hotter between us and cabin 18 . And we found out something else . They had taken our lead and had instituted their own discipline system as an incentive to win . Their cabin counselor , CC , brought a wide harness strap down from the stables . Her girls had to take their pants down and get face down on the bed over pillows and take up to six licks with the harness strap . They later said it stung like fire too and we wondered whose was worse . We were about to find out . " I don 't know who first concocted the idea of sabotage but someone did , and we managed to find ways to screw up cabin 18 so they would lose points . Britney Sayers dumped some dirt on their porch just after Dottie had gone in for inspection and when she came out she figured she had missed it the first time and dinged them . They knew we did it , though and they retaliated . It got to be a war . One night things came to a head . After lights out cabin 18 snuck out and raided us . They hit us with talcum powder bombs , making a big mess . " Now the thing is , Jen was there and she got hit too . And she was mad . She figured there was no way this could have happened without CC being in on it . So we plotted revenge . That same night we made water bombs with some balloons that someone had . Then at about three in the morning we snuck out and tossed our water balloons in their windows . Well , they started shrieking and yelling and next thing you know lights are coming on all over the camp . Before long , here comes Dottie and she is steaming mad . JJ and CC are mad at each other and us girls in cabin 12 are screaming at the girls in cabin 18 . " " Not only us , JJ and CC too . Nothing happened right away , but the very next day all of us were summoned to the director 's house where Dottie lived . Dottie was there with the assistant director , another woman in her forties everyone called Aunt Betty . They marched us all out to this shed in back of the house , kind of an equipment shed where stuff was stored in the winter . It was a big metal shed with a concrete floor and it was all cleared out in the middle . Except that there were two of these tall narrow type sawhorses set up side by side . We were all really nervous , as you can guess . I didn 't like the looks of the whole thing , not one bit . " Dottie started off by telling us that what ordinarily would happen is , we would be sent home , that the kind of fight we started was totally unacceptable , and it was grounds for terminating our camp session . But , she said , she 'd had a talk with both JJ and CC and that she knew and understood how things had got to that point . She also said that she had been told about our pact on discipline . Then came the bomb . Anyone could walk out of there with five demerits for the fight , she said . She understood that girls will be girls and highly competitive , but there had to be discipline . But - in lieu of demerits any girl could take eight swats . The catch was it was to be administered by the other cabin 's counselor . ' And it will be on the bare butt , girls ; and if you get up before it 's done , the demerits will be applied anyway , ' she added . She pulled out JJ 's paddle and CC 's harness strap and placed one on each sawhorse . ' You decide , girls , ' she said , and stepped outside . " For minute we were just in shock . Then we started talking . Cabin 18 was talking too . We were eyeing that strap and it looked wicked . But no one wanted to be the coward that cost us five demerits . In the end we made a pact . We would all take our licks . Let those floozies from cabin 18 be cowards about it . So when Dottie came back in we told her what we had decided . Each of us would step up and take licks with the strap . To our surprise cabin 18 's girls decided the same . " So Dottie said , ' all right , CC , you and JJ come up here and take over . They did . JJ said , ' ok , who wants to go first ? ' and one of their girls stepped up and stood at the sawhorse . JJ told her to take her shorts and panties down and get over the horse . Meanwhile CC motioned toward us , and one of us , I think Cyn Lawler , this cute little pixie of a girl stepped up to the other sawhorse and skinned down her shorts . Since it was the other cabin 's girls , both CC and JJ really laid it on . CC brought her arm back over her shoulder and let fly with that strap will a full sweep of her arm . JJ did the same with the paddle . The crack ! of the strap and paddle sounded deafening in that shed , like firecrackers going off . As the strokes of the strap were delivered one by one , Cyn 's little bottom quivered and got red as a beet ; and she really squealed as CC whipped her fanny but good . The girl from 18 , Yvonne something , yelped frantically too as the paddle turned her butt the color of a ripe tomato , but neither got up before their eight . " Listen , the whipping I got with that strap was worse than anything I ever got at the Kappa house . The sting was unbelievable . I thought I 'd never hold on for eight licks . We had to bend over the sawhorse and grab the crossbar in front . This meant that your bottom was arched over the top . I never felt so vulnerable , having my bare ass upended like that . I held on for dear life , but when I felt the licks from that strap , I practically screamed . It was white hot fire searing your fanny . In the end we were a sight , a dozen girls hopping around crying and wailing and rubbing our bottoms like mad . It was quite the old country style licking . " " But that wasn 't the end of it . When it was over , Dottie told us she hoped we 'd learned our lesson . Then we heard her tell JJ and CC that she wanted to see them both right back here after lights out . Well both our counselors kind of went white , I mean , all the color drained out of their faces . But they just said ' yes , ma ' am ' and we all went back to the cabin . There was a lot of chatter , I 'm sure , as to why we were all sitting on pillows at supper that night . But what we really wondered was what was going on with CC and JJ . A couple of us were determined to see . So after lights out me and Cyn and Sarah snuck out and followed JJ . " We made our way in the dark to the shed and crawled down on our stomachs . We could see through cracks in the siding . The lights were on in the shed and Dottie and Aunt Betty were there . CC and JJ looked like naughty school kids while Dottie reamed them out for letting the whole cabin war thing get out of hand . She said she ought to fire them and send them home too , but she 'd thought about it and since she 'd given us the choice , she 'd give them one too . They could each take twelve licks , she said , bare bottom . Six with the paddle and six with the strap , so they 'd know what each one felt like . CC and JJ got these sick looks on their faces but we could see they were going to do it . " We watched breathlessly as JJ and CC stepped up to the sawhorses . They unfastened their shorts and slid them down . The panties followed . Both girls had great figures . They were tall and well built college seniors . JJ was more slender , CC more voluptuous , but both girls had round , firm , and well shaped bottoms on them . I had to admit we all had this sick feeling of anticipation now seeing our counselors about to get it . Dottie picked up JJ 's paddle and Aunt Betty took up CC 's harness strap . Dottie measured up for a swat and brought the paddle back . She gave it a full swing . The paddle whooshed through the air and landed with an ear splitting smack . JJ hissed . Her bottom jiggled . Then it was Aunt Betty 's turn . The strap cracked across CC 's behind and left a red stripe . Then it was Dottie again with the paddle . She lined up and planted another hard paddle swat On JJ 's bottom . JJ let out a soft yeow ! Trying to stifle it but we knew how bad it burned . Then she stepped back so that Aunt Betty could swing that strap and paint another red stripe across CC 's fanny . It was a loud tanning they were getting with the sharp smacks of the paddle and the thwacks of the strap , not to mention the girls ' vocal reactions . For the next five minutes at least the two directors alternated giving their charges paddle swats and licks with the strap . Both CC and JJ yelped and squirmed around . They stamped their feet on the floor , humped up and down , and gasped in pain as stripe after stripe , smack after smack literally painted their bottoms red . In the end they were pleading for Dottie and Aunt Betty to go easier on them . But Dottie said no , they were going to get it good and hard if they wanted to stay on . So the girls just had to grin and bear it . When it was over , when they had each been given twelve licks or swats , they were tearfully rubbing their behinds and stamping around , trying to rub the sting out . " Donna looked at her watch . " Whew girls , we 've got to go . But let 's get together before we all leave town , all right ? " All agreed and Donna added with a wicked grin , " And Gwen , we 're going to have to do something about you telling our secrets , you know . I think we need to reconstitute the Kappa Court . What do you say girls ? " I like to think I write the uncommon spanking story . It 's less a spanking story and more like a story . . . with spanking . In the ebooks to be found here are story collections , novellas , serials and novels that explore adult relationships that involve the sensuality , the psychology , and the sexuality of spanking , hopefully in the context of a good old fashioned yarn . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :
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To sit here and blog because we have to leave for the airport in what sounds like a lot of time , but is actually only a little when you consider it 's me having to do the preparing of myself for it . Meaning I 'm bad on traveling days . I orbit around , quasi - useless , getting little bits of tasks done and going on to other little bits but not finishing anything . We are going to Georgia for the memorial service this morning . My dad is not coming . He wanted to but is not . I am reading a statement . Then part of a poem . Not one I wrote . The poems I write are too dark to be read at funerals . Ruskin scared me this morning by making some sort of weird cat - noise that I 've never heard before . Like an exhaled hiss through the nose ? With his mouth shut ? Not a cough ? He only did it a few times but . . . . I know last night we put more flea topical stuff on them and he wasn 't pleased . I think he scratched his head and then licked his paw or something . From having Mike as my decoder - of - all - things - technical - whether - I - wanted - to - know - it - or - not , I learned that apparently Advantage is a nicotine - derived pesticide that is lethal to insects but not harmful to mammals . Or that 's what I can remember . He ( Rus ) also puked in Mike 's slippers during the night . Mike says I think he 's mad at us . It 's true , by 14 years of experience , Rus recognizes the suitcase and is Not Pleased . I am in the Process of Conserving Everyone . It 's like invisible rosary beads where I worryworryworry about them so they will be safe , even though I know that worry doesn 't do crap . You can never prepare for what will actually happen or who it will happen to . I can 't lose any more cats . I can 't lose any more people . No we haven 't found Ravi . If we found Ravi it would be a big blog post entitled WE FOUND RAVI . I 'm doing okay on countering my newfound agoraphobia but not great . I am fallible failing fallen falling . My psyche is slowly falling through space , trying to relocate its tether . If you see my body , that 's what 's going on inside of it . I cut my left pinky finger this morning making another scarf and it wouldn 't stop bleeding . I have this big dumb bandage on it that makes it hard to type a , left shift , q , w , z . I keep hitting caps lock . Once I hit a mysterious key combination that almost deleted a draft email . I sent out a submission this morning despite the typing . It 's for an anthology whose cause is very important to me . I meant to get it out sooner but with all the stuff going on . . . I didn 't . Now I feel like I have almost zero chance of acceptance b / c of 9 / 30 deadline coming so close . I want to slap Ruskin . He is being such a loudmouthed bully about food this morning . I curtailed it ( the slap ) at the last minute and shoved his face , gently , away . So in the middle of all this mom stuff , friends are asking me how are you doing ? And I don 't really have a good answer for them . I 'm working my recovery program . I am alive . I made a tshirt scarf and some cute jewelry this morning to take my mind off stuff . But then this afternoon I wanted to go to Writer 's Cafe and I was getting ready and smacked my head on something ( aGAIN ) and realized that there was no way I could go out today and blend in like a normal person . Mom was responsive last night though she couldn 't talk . Today she is unresponsive and has a fever . They don 't have her intubated . I assuming that she couldn 't talk because . . . well . . . yeah . Okay so they 're gonna move her to the hospice care floor soon . I know she didn 't want to be in this situation , to go in a hospital . But I think at a point , I guess you just lose control of what happens to you . K asked me to post pix of the scarf when I was done . So here they are . It 's super comfy for the transitional weather we 've been having . Lovely and cool but then verging on warm in the afternoon . So my mother is still with us , AFAIK . My Aunt S ( mom 's sister ) flew in last night . I hope she was able to get a snippet of lucid mom . If I were them ( Aunt D and Uncle J ) I would ask my Aunt S to take care of my grandmother , who at 93 has dementia , and just recently ( even thought hey were living in the same house ) learned of the seriousness of mom 's condition . She even refused the endoscope . I thought maybe she would at least let them do that procedure , because it can 't be comfortable having a bleed in your stomach . And I 'm guessing ( I do so much guessing , with this situation ) that the docs can 't tell if she 's still bleeding internally because she refuses the damn endoscope . Aunt D mentioned that mom was no longer taking any fluids except sips of water , very occasionally . But again , I don 't know if they are hydrating her via IV or not . I would hope so . I really think the dehydration route to death is inhumane . . . though it 's done commonly . I asked Aunt D if I should go down there . I wanted guidance , any viewpoint . I have really no experience with this and it 's such a weird and complicated situation . I feel like Aunt D is holding together all these people who wouldn 't normally hold themselves together . N seemed . . . not surprised exactly at my response because she knows this family , how they are . How we are . I fully implicate myself in our disconnection . Yesterday when I talked to mom for a moment , she was sort of in - and - out . She tried to say I love you , over and over again , but it wasn 't quite coming . Like she was in a fitful sleep and sleeptalking . Aunt D got on the phone and said , I want you to know she 's trying to say I love you . I 'd figured it out . Or else , it didn 't matter . If we 're beyond language , that 's okay . Hearing her voice in any capacity . . . I just needed to . I hope I can hear it again before she goes . So even while everything is sort of crumbling around me , I find it consoling to work on work . Anyone who admonishes me , oh go ahead , take another pill that 'll solve everything has no idea how grateful I am that pills make it possible for me , right now , to not be losing my composure completely as various actions play themselves out in GA . I 'm all for " better living through chemistry " as they say . It made my 17 - year - old self able to leave the house twenty years ago , and today chemistry is helping me be out of bed , thinking and working , without my emotional core breached and spilling all over the house . On the DS - HUM listserv , Kevin Gotkin ( at UP ) shared a film that he produced . To get the most out of this blog entry , you should really go watch it before reading on . It 's about half an hour long though , so I understand if you can 't go see the whole thing . But at some point in your copious free time , you should . This film , as I understood it on 0 . 75 cups of coffee , is about disabilities making possible genuinely and innovative views on , and thus methods for conceiving of , artistic production . Toward the end , this film Rupture , Sometimes focused on a woman , Jessica Feldman , who spoke of her experience with seizures and then being on medicine to ameliorate the seizures so she could function and produce in our larger normalizing society , which she recognizes as " linear . " Her own experience before that , because of the disorientation of periodic seizures , had her perceive time as " ruptured . " And she says that while she is glad to be productive , she misses the opportunities that " the rupture " offered her in terms of knowing the world differently . This kind of ties into an idea I formed when writing up a sort of personal artistic statement for Prosody a few weeks back . I never got to include this idea in the show , but I 'm coming to realize the benefit , the artistic fruitfulness of what I 'm calling creative navigation . For a long time I saw only the obstacles of having a disability ( or several ) . I was disheartened about how there will pretty much always be obstacles . We 're not going to transition into this universally accessible society in my lifetime . But now I 'm beginning to see that the process of working around / among these obstacles can be incredibly fruitful . It 's causing a shift in my own poetics that I can 't quite articulate yet because it 's still happening . If you have a disability , you get thrown into the vicissitudes of your own idiosyncratic body , or brain , like , a hundred times a day . For me , it 's like all of a sudden I 'm thrust from a situation which is normal for me and my own idiosyncratic body / brain , and then something new comes along to add to my experience . I am legally blind , have fibromyalgia , OCD , and PTSD . Going out into the world is really challenging . Like , psychologically taxing . Even when the event I 'm going to is something that 's supposed to ease the burden , like yoga or massage therapy . Simply getting there and back can be so stressful that it almost - but - not - quite cancels out the good that happened at the session . Just when I think I have my shit together , so to speak . . . just when I can say , all right , I 've reconciled with these certain obstacles , there are new ones . And all I saw , before I paused to reflect on it , was the stress . In the moment , it feels like someone picks me up , turns me on my head , holds me by the feet , shakes me around until I flop like a ragdoll . Then this " force " plops me back down at , for example , the bus shelter and says , okay kid , back to your regularly scheduled program . But maaaybe it 's worth considering the alternate vantage points that this very wobbly , ungraceful , and out - of - sync journey opens up for me . I don 't know the answers yet for myself , on how this POV - shift ( from stress to access - - and the thing I 'm accessing is a different part of my artistic brain ) will redefine me and my art . But a shift is coming . Really , it 's already happening . My uncle emailed Mike to let him know that my mom has been throwing up small amounts of blood for the last two days and they finally convinced her to go to an ER to get it looked at . They think she now has a bleeding ulcer . N says I 'm barred from looking up anything on the internet dealing with fleas or my mom 's condition , so I had Mike look it up and he said they can cauterize the bleeding with an endoscope , which they can do with twilight anesthesia . If that doesn 't work , it 's surgery , which she will most likely refuse . . . . . but I 'm not going to share what I 'm thinking because I 'm afraid of being judged . I 'm judging myself already . I can 't even believe this whole situation , Still . Apparently she 's been " the same " since I left until now . I don 't even know if any of them want to see me , including my mother . I think she has mixed feelings . I think the goodbye we had was a good one and I want to keep it that way . Then the cat got a hairball and I flipped out . Internally . Everything is internal right now . I can 't seem to . . . I don 't know . Finish this blog post , among other things . I would ask you to pray , if you are the praying type , but I don 't know what to pray for anyway . I guess I would say , for a peaceful transition for my mom . And some grace for the rest of us to get through this . A few people have requested me to be more forthcoming about where my poems are currently published , providing links and such . Yeah , I can be a bit lackadaisical about that , so here 's a blog post just with links to my stuff . Thanks , readers , for giving me the nudge . My most recent pub , and one of my favorite ones this year , at Escape into Life . Rather than starting at my feature , you should really take some time , begin at the main page . The site is more than it seems on the surface . It has an amazing origin story and it 's like a hybrid - art wonderland . Don 't forget to check out the complete feature of Viktoria Sorochinski , the woman who took the photos my poems were paired with . Although I was completely bummed about dad changing shore plans last minute so Mike and I couldn 't go , I do want to say that I got to do some pretty cool things this week instead of being at the ocean . I actually skipped two readings because I was rather fatigued . Which means I could have done cool things four out of five nights of the week . Actually , there were two on Friday night , but I was dead - exhausted and opted for neither . What I did do : I went to the Beauty Is A Verb reading on Thursday . I 'd been anticipating this reading since last April , when the date had to be moved because of the f * ing bomb threats at Pitt . Usually I find academic venues a bit dry and difficult , lacking in ambiance . This was still the case at the O ' Hara Student Center , but the readings were fantastic . And and AND I got to meet three people who I 'd been wanting to meet for quite awhile : the smart and sassy Jennifer Bartlett ( she 's really funny too , and kind ) the fierce and feisty Kathi Wolfe ( I think I have a crush on one of her new personae , and she said she likes my work and I should email her ) and . . . Mike Northen , who was rather laid back and professorial and I felt a little awkward because I 'm shy and I wonder if he is too . I had that magnets - repelling feeling that I get when two shy people , myself being one of them , try to have a conversation . Nonetheless , he recognized my name from having a poem in Wordgathering this month , and he told me to keep sending . . . which is really a moment of validation I needed and I sooooo appreciated it . ASIDE : I had this convo with Mike ( husband Mike not editor Mike ) about my ridiculous neuroticisms whenever I have poems accepted . For example : an editor quickly accepts four out of five or six poems I sent . My response , although I 'm very happy about it , is also tinged with OMG , that editor wasn 't very discriminating . They 're probably just desperate . They need to fill in some space . It couldn 't possibly be because they liked my work that much . If an editor accepts one out of five or six poems that I send , especially if it 's an online venue , my reaction , although I 'm quite pleased , is tempered with really , only one poem ? Wow , I just barely got in . The editor must just barely like me . Why did they choose this poem at all ? What about the others ? Were they bad ? REALLY bad ? It was probably a pity - acceptance . I mean , what is wrong with my self - esteem that I can 't win either way ? But really . Acceptances are winning . Period - end - of - discussion . Even rejections are winning , because it means I actually sent stuff out instead of procrastinating on it . Now if only someone would pick up the manuscript . . . Anyway , then on Friday Pitt had a roundtable discussion about dis - studies in the humanities . I guess right now their dis - studies program sort of follows the medical model ( grumble , cure , etc . ) . But they want to parlez . So good on them . I hope this panel got the ball rolling as far as a possible program at Pitt . But it 'll be years , I bet . It was a good , stimulating discussion though . I felt like my brain had been to a mini - conference . This is a good feeling . I haven 't gotten to go to conferences in quite some time , due to health stuff and work stuff . But . . . Multiple Perspectives in April and AWP in February . I think I have the months right . Anyone wanna split a room for AWP ? Last year or maybe it was two years ago ( they blend together ) when the docs had to amputate part of her foot , she told me that if she had any further infection in her foot , infection which would impel them to take off the whole foot , that she didn 't want to live without a foot . That she would rather be let go septic and die . Fast forward to this situation , and replace foot with ( possibly temporary ) feeding tube . ASIDE : Again , please , I don 't want to debate ethics on the blog . This is me , emotionally processing . I put it into the world instead of keeping it private in case even one other person that reads this may be helped by it . Also to give my friends insight into what is happening with me right now , since I pretty much am not talking about it in their company . [ at this moment both Luna and Ruskin have come in whining . One is acting like a kitten on speed and one is acting like a grumpy old man . And now small children are babbling outside my window . I can feel my early morning , tenuous concentration start to erode a little . ] Advocates of active euthanasia appeal to the principle of patient autonomy - - as the use of the phrase " voluntary euthanasia " indicates . But emphasis on the patient 's right to determine his or her destiny often harbors an extremely naive view of the uncoerced nature of the decision . Patients who plead to be put to death hardly make unforced decisions if the terms and conditions under which they receive care already nudge them in the direction of the exit . If the elderly have stumbled around in their apartments , alone and frightened for years , or if they have spent years warehoused in geriatrics barracks , then the decision to be killed for mercy hardly reflects an uncoereced decision . The alternative may be so wretched as to push patients toward this escape . It is a huge irony and , in some cases , hypocrisy to talk suddenly about a compassionate killing when the aging and dying may have been starved for compassion for many years . To put to bluntly , a country has not earned the moral right to kill for mercy unless it has already sustained and supported life mercifully . Otherwise we kill for compassion only to reduce the demands on our compassion . This statement does not charge a given doctor or family member with impure motives . I am concerned here not with the individual case but with the cumulative impact of a social policy . My mom has stumbled around in her life alone and frightened for years . She has stubbornly refused to be pulled from her own morass . Many have tried . She has , over half my life , whittled away her choices until she got to where she 's at now . But part of me knows this is crap . She equates having to use a wheelchair , even , with like . . . the worst thing that could happen ever . I really do think she would rather die than use one . I don 't know if this is attitudinal , or if she is making this assumption based on some broken cost - benefit analysis . Is the analysis still considered broken if she 's poor and living in rural GA ? She mainstreamed me . She told me that I could be like anyone else . She fostered an independence in me that she didn 't have by making me do things that I was terrified of doing and sort of like . . . somehow implied that I had no choice . I never felt like it was okay to refuse . To say X is too much . I rode horses , did dressage and stadium jumping . She didn 't get why I didn 't want to compete but eventually let me have that . A lot of time in the arena alone , hating myself . But being thrilled I made it through another lesson . My body was all muscle , so small atop the horses who got bigger and bigger each year . Until I was riding a 16 - hand gelding and felt like an ant on the roof of a Porsche just as it enters a tunnel . She yelled . She screamed . She called me horrible names . One of which was lazy . She asked me how I would ever get into MIT with those grades . I ended up not applying . Not that I 'm saying I was a thwarted computer scientist . It 's not where my heart truly lay . But . I realized I could fight through things though they terrified me and that 's how I lived my life for a long time . Gritting my teeth against the edge of terror . Probably when I started working with A was when I began to loosen my grip a little . Ah yes , ladies and gentlemen , you 've been waiting for it . At last . . . drunk blogging . Those of you who know me well may wonder how it was I come to have never drunkenly blogged before . Ahem . Anyway here 's how it happened : 1 ) I got some good poetry related news 2 ) I 'm a total lightweight . 3 ) No , no one has accepted the MS yet ; it wasn 't that . 4 ) But I will share it tomorrow . I just wanted to clarify something from my previous post this morning . I 've been feeling badly all day about the implications of this statement . Earlier today I wrote : I could never do this for someone . Starve them . Even if they begged . Not starving . Not withholding life / water / food . It 's too cruel . I couldn 't do what my aunt is doing right now . But the situation is different , maybe . To not - starve my mother would take colossal positive action , defiance of her immense gravity , her intense sadness that no one acknowledges but surrounds her like an aura . I just want to clarify . What my aunt is doing is not the same thing that the woman in I Helped My Mom Starve is doing . Those of you who haven 't been following closely along might have missed the fact that starving is what can basically happen when one refuses treatment for severe gastroparesis . This was my mom 's choice , and AFAIK , she made that all by herself ; there was nothing anyone could do or say about it . The aunt and uncle who take care of my mother and my grandmother ( who is in her nineties ) are WONDERFUL people , who are doing an insanely tough job because right now they don 't have much of a choice . They are doing , out of familial kindness , a thing I could not do . I could not care for my mom in this situation . Could not . Because of what it would do to me psychologically . My aunt is there for my mom ; my uncle too . I haven 't blogged in awhile and I suppose I should , just to keep up the habit . I don 't want to fall out of it . For me right now , any positive action , an action that defies gravity , is also pushing against this great sadness . How long does she have left ? Did I tell you ? I searched the internet for data on how long it takes a person to starve to death . The answer , it seemed , is around 60 days if you have adequate hydration . I also found a blip about a book - - not quite a review - - called How I Helped My Mother Starve to Death by a woman who in fact , did what she said . I guess she had promised her mother she would do this for her , and then did . It took two weeks . I could never do this for someone . Starve them . Even if they begged . Not starving . Not withholding life / water / food . It 's too cruel . I couldn 't do what my aunt is doing right now . But the situation is different , maybe . To not - starve my mother would take colossal positive action , defiance of her immense gravity , her intense sadness that no one acknowledges but surrounds her like an aura . [ [ [ Because this blog is open to the internet , I must now restate : PLEASE NOTE THAT I WILL DELETE ANY COMMENTS RE : THE BROADER SOCIETAL PROS - CONS ABOUT " ASSISTED SUICIDE " IF THEY APPEAR ON MY BLOG OR FACEBOOK . THIS IS MY PERSONAL LIFE RIGHT NOW , A SITUATION THAT IS TROUBLING AND BEYOND MY CONTROL , AND I ' M NOT LOOKING TO START A DEBATE . THANK YOU . ] ] ] I don 't know how the docs decided they should approve hospice for her . I swore , and I must continue to swear to myself , that my job is not to fix her anymore . To finally let her have her way . I must continue to swear this to myself until she finally passes . N told me two years ago that I need to let go of her or " it would destroy me . " N is not a very directive person usually , so I tried to listen . Still , the instinct is strong to not let go . I wonder how far into the 60 days we are . How far were we when I visited her ? I want to call her , but don 't want to call her . I don 't want to know how bad it is right now , or how good . I have a therp session with N at one - ish this afternoon , so I 'm calling this morning . [ UPDATE : My strategy to call her before my therapy appt has been foiled . I called and she was still in bed - - this is a change in routine from when I was visiting her . At that point she was getting up around 8 : 30 - 9am . I asked if I should call her later . . . hoping she 'd say 11 or so . . . and she suggested this afternoon . Frak . But her voice sounded . . . . like it always does . Still . ] I 'm trying to concentrate on my own positive action in my own life . A new acquaintance has solicited some poems from me for an amazing site of hybrid art and writing . What a boon . It raises me up , helps me feel connected . * * * Last Thursday was the first MW workshop of the semester . I had to leave briefly to cry . One of my meds makes me foggy , so that when I try to , for example , carry on a scholarly conversation , and I 'm pressed to clarify my ideas , I just get verbally derailed . Like the thought I was * just having * evaporates , dissolves back into my brain . N has since changed the med . We know though , that this replacement med , can make me hypomanic . Which is not the same as full - blown mania and in fact , can be really really enjoyable . But either I 'm not there yet or it 's not enjoyable this time . I 'm a bit less foggy but I still have these moments of . . . . haze . This med is supposed to be " short term . " How long is that ? Until my mom passes , plus __ days to mourn her ? N is a good therapist . If I wanted off the med , I could come off . For now it 's helping tamp down the extra OCD that has come out under stress . It 's helping , but I don 't have complete coverage . Mike says : I don 't cry a lot . I 'm not in bed more than usual . The idea of talking to people about anything is just extremely taxing though . Even the smallest small talk . And when I 'm out , I feel that paranoid feeling like everyone 's looking at me and judging . I mean , I feel it more than usual . I feel it to the extent where I recognize it 's irrational . It 's like a panic attack in slow motion . And when I 'm outside , it takes so long to get home . Being at bus stops is excruciating for this feeling of being probed by eyes . Of " I don 't have my face on right please stop noticing it . " If you 're reading this , I don 't need inspirational comments about how no one is truly normal , I can choose to sink or swim etc . This is me venting feelings . I just need you to listen . Of course I choose fight . I finally realized I 'm not like my mom in this way . Sometimes my fight looks to others like flight . It is called my own self - preservation . Maybe that 's ungracious to say about my mom . She is the most stubborn person I know . She has always , if not fought , which to me implies pro - activeness , then hung on , which still has tenacity to it . I 'm maybe starting an intensive group therapy thinger for people with OCD in a few weeks . This is somewhat exciting to me because in my whole life I 've known maybe three people who have actual OCD ( not like , when I don 't line up the silverware on the place settings exactly , I get a bit antsy ) . I 'm trying to think if that 's more or fewer than blind people I know . Calculating . . . I think it 's the same . Three blind people . Three people with OCD . It is my form of positive action . Well , one of them . The second thing is to continue with poems , poetry , dis - studies . . . . and I gotta go now b / c the door is knocking . I was working so hard to collect myself to get to the shore , to make sure I was stable and could have a conversation with someone without crying or having a panic attack . To make sure I wasn 't going to get claustrophobic while riding the bus . Yesterday I had lunch with Barb who is so great . And we went back to look at her sweet little apartment . It was the first time in days that I hadn 't felt the sadness just constantly eating at me . I could just ignore it for a time . And so , after navigating the obstacles of my emotional crap and Mike 's work crap , we finally made the decision that we could pry ourselves away and go to the shore . . . . . . . . and now it looks like my " transportation opportunity " has fallen through . Last week it was teetering on the edge and I had some hope that we could work it out , but I found out this morning that even with Mike & my efforts to meet halfway , the answer is no . We made the decision 12 hours too late . I just can 't even . . . . I want to go back to bed forever . I have to see A at 11 : 45 , but I don 't want to go outside because I can 't take another thing going wrong right now . So I just took my first oatmeal bath in an attempt to soothe my spots . The spots creep ever - upward . They have now gained the territory of the torso , reaching the stomach , breast , upper back . It 's like a gradient . They are most prevalent at the ankles and calves and then thin out - and - up . First of all , consider the name : colloidal oatmeal . I thought : spheroid , toroid , . . . it 's shaped like a colon ? I knew that wasn 't right but the word colloidal was intriguing . Googling the etymology gives you Secondly , the packet . Made by Aveeno Active Naturals . It looked like the type of oatmeal packet where you 'd microwave it for breakfast . Which led to my third fleeting thought can I eat this ? No . For external use only . In bold type . Directions : Turn warm water faucet on to full force . Slowly sprinkle packet of colloidal oatmeal directly under the faucet into the tub or container . Stir any colloidal oatmeal settled on the bottom . The writers of the package copy liked the word colloidal too . I turned on the faucet , sprinkled slowly at first and then got impatient and sort of dumped it in . It smelled like ( surprise ! ) oatmeal . The clumps - - of course there were clumps b / c I was impatient - - looked like cat vomit . I tried not to think about that as I reached down and unclumped them with my fingers . They felt like warm velvety goop and dissolved as soon as I touched them . As I slid into the tub I wondered about my new ink and soaking it . For two weeks , no sun , no soaking , no pools . Soaking opens the pores and compromises the ink or something . Then I remembered that I marked 8 / 31 in my planner as TATTOO HEALED TODAY . Oh dear God I just said was . Fuckshitfuck . Not was was . Just was , as in , it happened yesterday . Not that it never will happen again . Not what I meant . She 's 66 now . At the time of our recent goodbye I told her I 'll call you in a few days . If you 're up for talking we 'll talk . She smiled and said okay sweetie . There were tears in her voice but her voice is one that sounds like there 's always tears in it . So into the tub . I stretch into a forward - fold and scrutinize my legs . Today a new friend made a reference to something that happened in 2002 but you were probably still in your crib . I replied fake - indignantly , pshosh ! I 'll have you know they send babies to grad school now . I started grad school in ' 02 . She : are you thirty - five ? Me : thirty - seven . She : you look twenty ____ . Some number I didn 't hear . Well , from the hips up I might look twenty - mumbles , but from the hips down I look my age and more . Mottled pink - gray - pink . Lots of varicosities and knots , bruises , blue stripes and swaths . And of course , the recently arrived constellations of spots . The mess on the back of my left ankle that I 've named Clusterfuck . The one in the bend of my left knee that I named Sammy . Then : damn , this tub is shallow . Hotel tub . Who knew it was more shallow than the one at my house ? I pretzeled my legs underneath me and submerged my head to the point where the water was over my ears . My thighs , knees , and the top surface of my torso still stuck out . Chicken , get in the pot . I couldn 't get myself into the pot . I looked up . Towel rack . White towels . The deliciously scratchy kind . My hair floated around me . I thought what if the spots come up on my scalp . I briefly fantasized about shaving my head . I remember what that felt like . The divine feeling of quarter - inch - long head stubble . I thought about my natural hair color , which is sort of an ashy brown . Which made me think about how my mom , for the first time since I 've known her , has her natural hair , with no processing of any kind . It 's actually really beautiful . She had it straightened when I was there , or perhaps merely straight . Cut into a tidy little bob . The color a deep nut - brown with streaks of gray in her long bangs and at her temples . Little threads at her part . I think it was the most beautiful I 've ever seen her hair . I looked up at the towel rack again . I wished I was at home with music in my tub where the water will cover more of me . I absently sloshed water over my exposed torso . With my ears underwater I could hear a deep hhrrrummm hhhrrruuumm . This room abuts a service elevator . Distant noise of people talking , moving crap around . I begin to sing very softly I hear the roar of a big machine / hot metal and methedrine / I hear your dive bombers / empire down . Well , at least all those words are in the song anyway . More of me sloshing . I wonder if the guys talking can hear me sloshing like I can hear them talking . I wonder if they wonder if I wonder if the - - - - - The water got cool too fast . I sat up , drained the tub . Some colloidal cat vomit had streaked and plocked onto the bottom of the tub . I was like eeeewwww and wiped that up . I didn 't want the housekeeper coming tomorrow and thinking sheesh what drunks or something . Only later did I realize there would be one if not two showers taken by the time the tub was cleaned . Jill Khoury earned her Masters of Fine Arts from The Ohio State University . Her poems have appeared or are forthcoming in numerous journals , including Sentence , MiPOesias , Harpur Palate , and RHINO . She has been nominated for the Pushcart Prize twice by Breath and Shadow : A Journal of Disability Culture and Literature , and has a chapbook , Borrowed Bodies , from Pudding House Press . View my complete profile
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He 'd been the puppeteer and he 'd been the puppet . He 'd been the songwriter and he 'd been the song . He 'd been the horse and he 'd been the rider . He 'd been the balloon and he 'd been the helium . He 'd been the highway and he 'd been the sunset . He 'd been the whiskey and he 'd been the bitten lips that sipped from the highball glass . On the rocks . He had stood in the wings and listened to the dedicated love song thinking , " How sweet . " Earlier he had heard the singer say , " She 's free . If she ever comes to me and says she 'd be better off with you , I tell her to go with my blessing . " He missed the next song the singer sang , the one about friendship and some roads , mainly because he was thinking that now the ball was in her court . He wanted to jump up and down and scream , " I 'm open , I 'm open ! " Wave his arms wildly to get her attention . So , he 'd waited , made his call later , explained what her lover had said . Repeated it to her again , " You are free . He said so . Said you could come to me with his blessing . " The world is divided . Some people have walked on the surface of the moon while others have merely been shot into space to gaze weightlessly on the face of infinity . Still others , of course , have never escaped the limitations that bind us to earth . Some people have driven submarines , some have circumnavigated the globe while remaining submerged the whole way round ; others , sadly , have never left their home ocean , the one called Atlantic , the Pond between North America and Europe . Some have never been to sea , poor sots . Some people have seen war , some have died of mortal wounds , or disease , or starvation , and some have suffered the horrible damage of body and mind ; others , thankfully , have known only relative peace . Maybe they are the one percent . Some people have gone to college to learn which questions to ask ; others have intuited them their whole lives with little help from school . Some people have been incarcerated as convicted criminals while others simply haven 't been caught , and still others stand falsely accused . Some people are some of us and some people are Others . Some are fellow citizens and some foreign aliens . Some look like us , but most don 't . Some people fly and some people swim , I take the train on a traveling whim . Some people rhyme and some people just can 't . Lots of people are in the one percent , and some are the ninety - nine . Some people go back and forth . The world is divided ; but not in equal halves . " Sally , my boy , you don 't do anything by halves , do you ? I never finish my projects to more than eighty percent . Why do you think that is ? " " Well , I 've got it half done . I need another 1500 words , but , really , I can 't think of anything at the moment . I guess I could use a break . " " No chance of that , Jules . Who else could I so easily persuade with my brilliant banter ? I wanna dance with somebody . I wanna feel the heat … " I spent my whole life trying to avoid this one last decision . I ate healthy food , avoided the carcinogens I knew about , wore my seatbelt before " Click it or Ticket , " ran the equivalent of once around the planet at the equator , got married , raised kids , had some friends , yada yada yada . I wasn 't a perfect health nut though . I smoked cigarettes from time to time , but always gave them up . I drank yours and my share of booze over the years , but gave that up , too . Still , in the end , the end has come . I made all those life and death choices over the years , daily choosing this healthy alternative over that unhealthy one . That 's okay , that 's the way it 's supposed to be . We all decide , all the time , everyday , even if we decide to postpone the decision , again . But today I got the diagnosis , and it ain 't good , brothers and sisters . It ain 't good at all . Not that I 'm going to die , at least not right away . No , first , the medical community rip - off artists want their cut . They want to see how long I can hold out . Ply me with talk about ' courage ' and shit . Well , I know about courage , folks . I 've seen courage ; and cowardice , too . And this decision isn 't about either . White shoes , low down in the window , behind yellow cellophane to protect from midday sun shining down into Hertford 's narrow Fore Street . Low heels , which I needed because I was embarrassingly tall . Only twenty - two shillings and sixpence , which , at half a crown a week pocket money , meant nine weeks ' saving , without buying anything else at all . No good asking my parents , they would disapprove . No , he 'd been several hours old before she got to hold him , her eyes swollen shut from the meds and unsuccessful pushing . She 'd struggled out from under the anesthesia , and she wished she 'd read the chapter on c - section in the birth books , but she hadn 't entertained that possibility . Her husband had already gone off to sleep for awhile , and the baby was as groggy as she was . Now that baby , and the others , were grown , busy with their own lives , and the ink was more than dry on the divorce . Her first book was stacked in boxes left by the UPS man . And she had walking pneumonia , though the diagnosis was three days away . She slit the tape with her knife and pulled a book from beneath the invoice . The still bitey spring wind blew . The book was wrapped in plastic . No party , no loving man at her side , no editor making nice noises , no toasts . Just wheezing . Looking up from his book , the old man peeps , " I hate to say this , but I did mention it 'd be a waste . " His glasses teeter on the precipice of his nose , hand waving . A glacier of ice cracks and shifts in the amber glass . I hate him for saying anything but oh … I 'd wanted this thing bad . All my friends own one . Shit , everyone does . " The dark ages are over , " I shot back . " Time to catch up with today Pop . That 's called progress , in case you didn 't know . " " Yeah , I read that somewhere , " he says , pushing back into the recliner , disappearing back into a tattered book . The old man 's stuck behind the curve . The cell phone he carries around is an embarrassment , pure old school technology . " I call people on it and they call me back , " he says . " Works perfectly … the way it 's supposed to . Don 't need no fancy contraption to simply communicate . " Okay , he may have a point but I sure as hell won 't give him the satisfaction of it . This here is supposed to make things easier but I 'm having doubts . It doesn 't feature any bells and whistles and the keyboard is a little bitch . Maybe my fingers are too big . Maybe I 'm too impatient . Or maybe it 's just a piece of crap . I don 't know how many times I 've toggled the ' previous page ' button . Even then I 'm unable to find the page I want to reference . In the other room , the old man laughs at his book and I want to scream . " Helps keep out the riff - raff , " she said , but I was too distracted by the lateness of the afternoon to remark how elitist she sounded . These days it darkens around five - thirty , and I have a distaste for the indications concerning work done or yet to be done . My nights are sacred . Soon I would be free to walk away from unpleasantness , but not yet . Her sister was a onetime aberration . Her brother is another story . Last concert I danced with twelve different women , my apostles I called them , though half of them did not listen to anything I said . Julie was one who did . " My mother told me she wished I was more like my brother , " I had told her . Now , I observed that open avenue down which a stiff breeze was moving and traffic was not , and recalled I would be attending the concert with Doubting Thomas . " I guess it was just a long time coming . " This time , she appeared not to hear me as she slapped on more paste . I couldn 't in all honesty claim I 'd thought it out beforehand , especially when I 'd already gone through how and when and who to ask to get the name and logo painted over , but it didn 't take long to realise that an old BT van would be even more anonymous . As anonymous as they had been to start with . The houses ' fully - refurbished ' but there 'd been little they could do to improve the folk they moved back in . And a week of sitting , clipboard resting on the steering wheel , hard hat beside me on the seat and I 'd identified her . Third house from the end . She 'd changed , but so had I , and after five years she 'd started to believe she was safe . Safe from me at any rate . Well , safe from thinking I might find her . Because now I had found her she wasn 't any longer . Just that she didn 't know it yet . Could not be denied it had originally been built with care , if not experience . The intention - to make something which would hold together , protect , contain , be beautiful as well as functional - had been clear . Built to last , if not forever then for the foreseeable future . But it had outgrown its … not exactly usefulness , but was no longer deemed essential , or even , at times desirable . And so began a time of gradually - accelerating neglect . Followed by abandonment , to the elements . Wordlessly , he gave a faultless performance , but it was as much the honky - tonk musical background as his body English or facial expressions that made the first act in any way memorable to me , teenagers drinking from bottles in plastic Oxxo bags , or gathered couples and single strollers . He appeared browless in a solid black leotard , with his shaved head painted in the same deathly - white paste that crusted where the neckline veed below his clavicle , suggesting the marks of noose burn . I don 't know that I would ever be willing to put my life on the line to preserve another 's , nor that I would ever expect another to do so for me , but I applauded as heartily as the rest as we , his audience , were unaware he had dressed and made up appropriately for his final show . He mimed a man obsessed by his ticking watch and some sort of mission ; waiting for his destiny , which was a long time coming , seemingly overdue . Then , in mere seconds , he reacted quickly , shoving a pedestrian out of the way of an oncoming sports car , was struck himself , and performed a triple somersault before landing on his feet , then falling , arms outstretched , forward onto the pavement in front of us , as the driver sped away . We cheered , whistled , and clapped spontaneously for some time before someone remarked the mime had not moved a muscle from the moment his body hit the ground , and in our awestruck silence , we realized the rescued woman was sobbing . When Daniel Dinkins stepped inside the saloon he knew : he would not get a martini in this place , shaken or stirred . Here , the desert dust inside was the same as the desert dust outside . His Birkenstock sandals blended in . He waited to be seated for a minute then realized he might stand there all day for all anybody cared , looking like an idiot in his Hawaiian shirt , cargo shorts and Yankees cap . Finally , he got the idea , perched his sunglasses on his hat and took his own seat . He was in luck , the bartender came over . " Hamburger , beer and whiskey , " said the man who looked like a refugee from an Alaskan caribou grazing range . " That 's the menu . " " Excellent , " Daniel said . " I 'll have a burger - well - done , of course - and a Heineken . " " We ain 't got no Heinies . " This is my third lap on my journey home . I 'm writing this from Mrs . Bennett 's little desk in Warrington . I arrived here about teatime and were they surprised ! Mr . and Mrs . Bennett are both looking very well . They have a lovely home with roses everywhere . There is a small pond and rockery just beside me out the window . They told me Ron was in Rangoon . He will be home in sixteen days . They miss him very much . It has been a hectic week over here ; everybody 's so excited , they 've gone mad for a few days . We are all very relieved and thankful it is all finished in this area . I think I realized - for the first time in five days - the war is over . It 's so wonderful when you think about it . That George could see this day ! But that is not for us to decide . God rest his soul . We will never forget him . Mrs . Bennett and I went to town to look around this morning . I tried to contact Emmie Flavell at Pont Street but nobody home . We had coffee at a nice place then back home for lunch . After supper we took a walk in the country . I slept in Ron 's room last night and had tea in bed this morning . It 's wonderful to be a human being again . I do hope you are both well . The way things are going I should be there well within two weeks time . Keep smiling . They are walking down a rusty dirt road , and the sun is kissing little clouds of afternoon gnats in the golden aster . The day is at that sweet spot where the light turns warm and low but the clouds have not gone wanton . She is walking slightly ahead , holding his hand , and just as she turns to see his face , he becomes distracted by an early moth . Absently , he drops her hand , and there , in the dirt , she sees the bigger picture , as the releasing motion of his hand magnifies to fill her heart . Their shadows spread behind them , like parted cloudy water … I waited too long . There was all that moving and shuffling and the problems with Immigration . Nice people sent photographs dynamically charged with fervor and meaning , but I had no Internet connection , and the days slid into weeks . The New Year is already upon us , and the stories I have lived through are yesterday 's news , but I am not beyond slipping in a dream or two to grease the wheels . Know what I will do ? Next issue will comprise the missing images and I will theme it Mime . You , dear reader , will have to supply your own tales . As we are still behind the halfway mark , there is plenty of time to catch up . I know , I know . We have already played that game , but this time there will be nuances to make it worth your while . When the Mayan calendar concludes , and we are screaming at the edges of craters , we will have moments to remember , and won 't that feel like a safety net ? Well , maybe not so much . If we lose the electricity , all will be virtual , but some of these images should provide a respite before we succumb to disaster . I 'm not making this up as I go along . I promise you , I had it all planned out , the issue , I mean . I never counted on the artful pioneering leaving me disconnected , but that has always been my problem , the lack of foresight . Plan , plan , snap , snap ; before you know it another year has gone belly up . She was always one to speak as much for effect as to impart information and I had grown resistant to her oft - repeated tales , always told to put her in a good light . This one was meant to demonstrate her quick - thinking , her ability to outwit a fortune teller . She 'd removed her wedding ring and had been both amused and scornful to be given the usual ' meet a tall dark stranger ' spiel , because he was fair headed . My sister died of leukemia when she was thirteen . I was the big brother who couldn 't keep her safe from those sorts of things , like disease . After her funeral , I was mad at God , but I tried to remain friends with him . About thirty - five years later I gave up on the bastard as if he existed . When I heard the last line of the poem you read yesterday , " God allows three year olds to die of leukemia , " I was shocked , but I 'm guessing it was the reaction you sought to evoke . It took me a second to realize I needn 't be angry , though ; indeed , I suspect we share a similar perspective on divine providence . To get to the point , I look forward to the day when we can protect all children from all evil , tyranny , disease and dogma . A New York City subway train holds 1 , 200 people . This blog was viewed about 5 , 500 times in 2011 . If it were a NYC subway train , it would take about 5 trips to carry that many people .
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I am honored and lucky to have been given another opportunity to participate in the one and only Barkley Marathons . Past events have been quiet , introspective , and " dark " challenges for me in some ways . In contrast , 2016 was a different experience as I traveled out with other people , had multiple close friends running , Mindy ( my wife ) came along , I had fantastic company for the first 4 loops , the skies were clear for nearly the entire race , and the temperatures were perfect . Was this really Barkley ? I am thrilled to have finished in 59 hrs 33 minutes , forfeiting only 27 minutes and setting a new personal standard for how much adventure I can extract out of $ 1 . 60 . " If you belong here , you will figure out how to get here . " One of my favorite Laz quotes . As a past race director and participant in many trail races both in the US and abroad , I am in awe ( in a good way ) with how Barkley is conducted , the people it draws , and the seriousness with which most people approach it . No race director wants their participants to be harmed in their event . Standard methods of achieving this goal are implementing mandatory qualifying races , having elaborate aid stations , medical check - ins , pacers , sweepers , required gear , GPS tracking devices , and extensive communication systems , to name a few . Barkley has none of these things . By creating a non - obvious application process , intentionally limiting course information , and letting participates decide for themselves what gear they should bring , the result appears to be participants who arrive well prepared , having done their homework , and equipped for all conditions . A pretty distinct difference from the usual " just show up , put your head down , and follow the markers " mentality . Essentially everyone is capable of self - extraction and they understand that it is the standard protocol . Additionally , every participant knows how lucky they are to have a spot in the race and will thus gladly carry an extra jacket , gloves , hours of extra food , additional headlamp batteries etc . to prevent a preventable disaster . The lack of course markings means participates have studied their map , understand the drainage systems , and have sharpened their orienteering skills . Participants have invested so much time and energy into just getting to the start - line that they realize how silly it would be for their efforts to come to an end for something that was easily within their control . The result of this lack of infrastructure , interestingly , is exactly what events that have lots of infrastructure desire , knowing that every runner will be okay and give it everything they 've got . On Friday afternoon in the Big Cove Campground , I was surrounded by heros . Erik Storheim and Ty Draney , my close friends who sit at the top of the pedestal of remarkable and well - rounded humans . Jennilyn Eaton , Salt Lake City 's mountain phenom who came armed with an high level of determination and hunger for Barkley . I finally got to meet Andrew Thompson ( AT ) after years of reading of his exploits . Frozen Ed , catalyst of the Barkley phase in my life , was in camp , he wouldn 't miss his favorite weekend of the year ! And , John Fegyveresi , hero of the Barkley documentary and all around fantastic person , had returned for another romp around Frozen Head . Michiel " Mig " Panhuysen , who 's infectious energy brings an instant smile . Brad Bishop , who helped me out in 2014 and continually gives back to the ultra - running community looked strong and focused . Jason Poole , long - time Barker and friend from Hardrock was ready to rally . Gary Robbins was amped and ready to go , riding the high of recent fatherhood ( I was infected with this in 2014 when Phoebe was just 3 . 5 months old ! ) . Rhonda Avery was shocking the entire world by attempting Barkley with only 8 % vision . Leon Lutz was on - site and quietly crafting the right story about Barkley . John Kelly , who burst onto the Barkley scene in 2015 was back , focused , energized , hungry . Julian Jamison , all - around great guy and critical element of my 2014 success was there with his beautiful family supporting John Kelly . Heather " Anish " Anderson who quietly sets new records on epic - long trails such as the PCT and AT was back . Niki Rehn , runner / climber / scrambler from Australia was in camp and beaming with excitement . She " gets " Barkley . In addition to being a substantial physical challenge , Barkley is an exercise in stress management . The unknown start - time is one of these classic elements . When I heard a handful of people say " word on the street was that we 're not going to get much sleep tonight " ( the night before the race ) , something inside of me suddenly felt confident that it meant the opposite . As such , I slept far better than I had in the past . Yes , it was intermittent , waking up periodically feeling as if I had missed the sound of the conch , but all things considered I slept pretty well . The late start ( 10 : 42AM ) worked well for me given that I was coming from two time - zones to the west . From the start we had a sizeable group ( myself , Gary Robbins , John Kelly , Andrew Thompson , Dominique Ecoiffier , Benoit Laval , and Adam Lint ) a held solid pace up Bird Mountain , arriving at the top in just under 30 min . A virgin runner honed in on book 1 with surprising precision . I was excited to follow John Kelly for his descent down to Phillips Creek per the ridge north of the steep side creek , as all prior years I had taken the ridge to the south . John knew the route so we followed him to the " Flume of Doom " , which Frozen Ed had described the night before . At the bottom of Check Mate , it was down to 6 of us as we started up the North Boundary trail en route to Jury Ridge . John asked how confident I was in being able to find book 2 , a notoriously tricky section where the book tucked between two rocks at a river confluence far below Jury Ridge . I responded , " quite confident … . probably 85 % " , and followed up with , “… and the reason I am confident is because I spent 45 minutes thrashing around looking for this book in 2014 . In addition to eventually finding out where the book is , more importantly I learned where the book is not . " When we started descending to book 2 , I was shocked to see John take off down a ridge that didn 't look right to me , I figured he must know something I didn 't , a more direct route perhaps ? In Barkley , if often pays dividends to follow routes you are certain of , even if they are longer , so I stuck with what I knew . When John took off , the remainder of the group followed me . We ended up finding the book almost perfectly . What happened to John ? ( see his race report ) As I reached in between the two stones and pulled the book out I watched the faces of the three virgin runners , all had a looks of bewilderment as if it was right then they realizing how tricky it would be to find this book on their own . Dominique looked at me and said , " Merci ! Merci ! " . It was at this moment that I realized my purpose at Barkley this year was to be a guide . It meant I would have a group of comrades for much of lap 1 . This would be fun ! We marched up Hillpocalypse being sure to climb the 4th class dirt en - route to the N . Boundary trail and mis - quoted Henry David Thoreau sign ( " In wilderness is the preservation of the world " ) . The next 3 books were in locations that were new to me , so it was fortuitous that we had a small team that could split up and scan terrain when necessary . We all discussed the up - coming turn - off for the summit of Bald Knob . AT was spot - on and we all marched directly to the top . We quickly unearthed book 3 and made our way eastward down the steep hillside , following the boundary markers . Back on the N . Boundary trail we purposefully and intentionally crossed directly over SOB ditch , despite the fact that the trail goes around it . Anyone who has studied the images on Matt Mahoney 's website can envision the picture of SOB ditch , it would be a shame to miss it ! The group seemed happy to be working through the classic landmarks so efficiently . It was as if we were taking a speed tour of the National Mall , visiting all the iconic sites . Instead of the Lincoln Memorial , Washington Monument and the Reflecting Pool , however , we were visiting Hyrum 's Vertical Smile , SOB ditch , and the coal ponds . On the climb up to Hyrum 's Day Spa we saw a family of wild pigs , and on the descent of Raw Dog ridge we ran into a large pile of black snakes , which looked like a big medusa head . I paused and thought what this would do to my mind on lap 4 or 5 at night . We then plunged into the fresh briars guarding the lower ridge to Raw Dog Falls . Nasty . The remainder of loop 1 went well . Our group of four dwindled to just three on our way into camp . Adam , our kind compatriot and man of few words , declared that he was going to take some additional time in camp and that we should go on without him . Gary and I agreed to be back at the gate in just 10 minutes . Upon arrival , Mindy , who became known as the Nascar pit - crew captain , had everything dialed . She had me resupplied and ready to go in about 8 min . As Gary and I got our new bib numbers and began to leave , AT was arriving in camp . I was hopeful that he would have a quick turn - around and come catch up to us on loop 2 , I was eager to chat with him . We left camp with a little over one hour of light left , better make use of it ! If we could make it to book 2 prior to turning on lights I would be thrilled . We wondered when and where we would catch the first runners . We figured it would be Rhonda and her guide Christian given how extremely difficult it must be to negotiate the course with only 8 % vision . It is hard enough with full vision ; I was in awe at what she was attempting . My mind wandered to the book When Smoke Ran Like Water , where in Donora , Pennsylvania during an acute air pollution spike so bad people couldn 't see their feet , a blind man with a walking stick guided a seeing person home . I envisioned Rhonda zipping around the course during a thick Barkley fog guiding the rest of us . As we descended towards book 2 , we saw two lights and heard some hooting and hollering in the drainage near book 2 . Sure enough it was Rhonda and Christian and they were lost trying to find the book ; Gary and I were happy to be of some assistance . Gary immediately ran over to Rhonda and gave her a hug . " Gary coming in " he said so she 'd know who was approaching her . My respect for Gary ratcheted up by the way he encouraged and applauded Rhonda and Christian . We chatted with them briefly , indicated the general direction and off we went , knowing that they would be able to follow our headlights for a short while . Another plug for Gary . For a guy who I had essentially just met , the fact that some of our first conversations were about how much he loves his wife Linda and how fatherhood has positively changed him speaks volumes about him . His son Reed is bound to have a remarkable life . When on the summit of Bald Knob we could see several additional lights further ahead on the course , I estimated them to be at the Garden Spot . We forged on eager to help this next group of runners . Sure enough , there was a gaggle of folks . We first met Starchy who was looking for book 4 . He was only 20 ′ from it when we arrived . Several minutes ahead we ran into another group who wanted nothing more than to find the nearest quitters road , and some who wanted help getting to book 5 . We jogged the nice jeep road towards Mouth Branch . It was a perfect night and fun to have a small group of folks with us . The group held on and we made it to the critical spot where I leave the first ( of three ) roads into Mouth Branch . I verbally described the next section in hopes that it would simplify their getting to Bobcat Rock . And , off we went . Gary and I snagged the next 2 books without issue and began the descent down Stallion Mtn . Descending Stallion Mtn , we made our first ( and biggest ) navigational error . We rolled too far off to the right ( west ) off the ridge and ended up on steep cliffed - out terrain . We eventually made it down to a dirt road . I knew that this must be the road where going right on it would take us to Bobcat Rock and left would take us back to the prow of the ridge , where we were supposed to be . We went left , but overshot the prow by quite a bit ( over a mile ) , wrapping around onto the eastern side of Stallion . A quick bearing check and wow , we were heading north - west with the hillside rolling steeply off to our right . Gary and I stopped dead in our tracks , sat down , whipped out the maps / compasses and decided not to move until we figured out what was going on . While our minds were starting to get cloudy , we were able to deduce where we were . We made the correct decision , turned around , backtracked , and found where we over - shot . We worked through this very well . We were back on track after having lost ~ 45 min . While a huge part of Barkley is working tirelessly to prevent yourself from getting lost , one of the most important skills is figuring out how to get back on - track when you get lost . Gary 's adventure racing experience was apparent as he rolled smoothly through the mishap and even appeared excited about how well we dealt with it , I know I was . Again , my admiration for him ratcheted up another notch . The remainder of lap 2 is a blur to me aside from some significant knee pain setting in on the descents . A tight IT band , along with some hip alignment issues from months prior , resulted in an over - worked medial quad . This additional stress eventually caused highly localized pain where the quad attaches to my femur . Extrapolating this increase in pain from just two laps did not look good , I could only hope the pain curve wasn 't linear or worse . I would have to switch into near - term thinking mode , one objective , one hill , one descent at a time , not how I normally approach Barkley . Soon we were back in camp and had decided on a 15 minute turn - around time . The first counter - clockwise loop is in a way exciting as it feels different and new . We marched up to Chimney Top at a strong pace , riding adrenaline from our brief time in camp . Roughly 1 / 3 the way up the climb we crossed paths with John Kelly , exchanging few words . He was moving great and we were excited to see that he had recovered some time from whatever mishap he had had on loop 1 . The descent was painful , a theme that would exist from here to the end of the race . On the descent , we veered too far to the right ( west ) . We spotted a suspicious orange marker wrapped around a large tree . We went to it and noticed that it looked pretty fresh ( i . e . not too rotted from the sun ) . We discussed what this might mean , and were a bit disheartened that someone might be able to rationalize such a tactic . We spotted another , and another and another , it was clearly a marked route . Any cross - section of humanity is bound to include people who devise sneaky ways to get ahead , even at Barkley . 😦 We removed everything we saw and made our way down to the stream below . We hit Beech Fork downstream of the book , but quickly got back on track . Gary had several sudden gasps of pain , apparently a recent injury had caught up to him . Decades of experience enabled him to swallow the pain . We had a clear , yet silent , awareness that each other was dealing with our own set of challenges and both understood that talking about it would do no good . For only having just met each other , I felt we had a good understanding of each other already . We got our pages at the Beech tree and began the thrash up Zipline , a significantly easier climb to follow in the daylight . As we descended Bad Thing we ran into Jason Poole and Ty Draney , then Mig Panhuysen , they all looked strong and happy that the sun was up . On our climb out of the prison we ran into Jennilyn who was gliding down lower Rat Jaw with a smile on her face . She was moving well and clearly chasing after the fun run cutoff time . We were super happy for her and I told Gary about how much she had put into training / studying / obsessing . As we climbed up Rat Jaw a small drone w / camera flew overhead . It was out of place and most likely breaking event rules . My mind wandered … What would James Early Ray have thought if suddenly a drone were following him during his escape ? I fantasized about having a portable RF jammer to bring it down as it didn 't belong at Barkley . We marched to the top of Frozen Head Peak and were surprised by the silence ; not a single person there on this beautiful morning . The descents were very painful , but at least it didn 't appear to be getting any worse . Could it hold all the way to the end ? Gary brought up loop 5 and wanted to discuss which direction we should each go . He was kind and said that because I had been guiding him I should pick which direction I preferred . I suggested that I go CW and he go CCW , the direction that would be familiar to him from laps 3 and 4 . Doing this would improve his odds of success and honestly the direction didn 't matter much too me . As such , we decided that he should lead up Stallion Mountain in an effort to learn it better than he would if he simply followed me . I kept a small distance and watched him , not saying anything at critical intersections to see if he could navigate this tricky section . Leaders learn more than followers . Once back on the N . Boundary trail , we prematurely left the trail for the climb up to Bald Knob . We were suddenly at a picnic area , the Squire Knob picnic area . What ? Out with the map & compass and we quickly deduced how to get back over to Bald Knob . Wow , that proved to be trickier than we thought , something we would have to be careful with during the night - time loop 4 . The remainder of loop 3 went well , both of us getting a bit quiet and dealing with our own challenges . The final climb up Check Mate felt super - steep and I was starting to slow a bit . I was worried about the descent into camp with how my knee was feeling . Gary shifted gears and was motoring downhill . I bit down on the pain and ran along with him , eager to get into camp for our predetermined 1 hr of sleep . I took a 2 minute shower , ate , changed clothes and tried to sleep . Despite the wide array of noises in camp I did get some much needed sleep . 50 minutes later I was up and ready to go . In 2012 I slept after loops 2 ( 1 hrs ) and 4 ( 2 + hrs - despite what the documentary would like you to believe … ) , which worked out okay . In 2014 I waited until after loop 4 , which was too late . Sleeping after lap 3 seemed like the right protocol , and after the fact I definitely feel it was . It was easier to get up and I felt more restored from it than I did in 2014 . I was excited for loop 4 , an all - night loop , however after getting some sleep I felt confident that I would not fall into the dreaded deep state of exhaustion . The climb up Chimney Top went well again , ~ 1 hr 15 min . The descent was crazy painful and we vectored too far left ( east ) this time . Eventually back on track we marched up to Indian Knob struggling a bit to get " on " the correct ascent ridge . Ultimately we hit the top of the climb within 10 feet of where we had hit it the previous lap ! woohoo ! On the descent to the prison our internal compasses were both off as well as our ability to follow a bearing . We zigzagged all over the mountain , eventually popping out somewhere surprisingly close to the prison . Major disaster averted . Rat Jaw at this stage called for head - down , Low - 4 gear . At the top ( tower ) we were surprised to be greeted by a group of supportive folks in the middle of the night . They commented on our screwy route down Bad Thing , which they had watched from the tower . We left with elevated spirits . The grunt up Raw Dog Ridge was another thrash . This new section of the course did not seemed logical to me throughout the entire race . According to the map it changed slightly from 2015 . While others suggested alternative ridges , we were determined to follow this year 's route as closely as we could . Gary has strong ethical standards and I was pleased that doing the course as correctly as possible meant a lot to him . I mentioned on numerous occasions the apparent karmic energy at Barkley , it pays to do things right . We struggled initially to get " on " Flatrock Ridge , which seemed strange given how obvious it felt on all prior loops . Gary appeared to have a magnetic pull into the adjacent drainage . I stayed on the ridge and signaled for him to come back to the ridge , which he eventually did somewhat baffled at how far he been pulled off route . " Trust me , this is correct " I told him , although I was only 70 % confident . We followed the ridge but went too far down resulting in at least a 30 minute side - hilling extravaganza to find the correct tree and book , a new addition to this year 's race . On the night climb up Stallion I lead in an effort to increase our efficiency . We were both fading and became quiet . As we neared Cold Gap I mentioned this observation to Gary and he promptly said , " does your watch have an alarm ? Do you want to sleep for 15 min ? " Yes and Yes . We lay down by the jugs of water and immediately fell asleep . 14 minutes later Gary was stirring , too cold to stay down any longer . We popped up and started marching . I was amazed at how well we worked through this situation and laughed ( internally ) at how funny this would appear to 99 . 9 % of humans . Our progress was binary , 1 ( on ) for 44 hrs , 0 ( off ) for 14 minutes , then 1 ( on ) again . We carefully negotiated the N . Boundary trail and acquisition of the Bald Knob book as it could have easily gone awry . The remainder of lap 4 went well in terms of navigation , no major mistakes . My cognition , however , began to slip . I could focus on the task at hand , but I realized that I suddenly couldn 't remember the name of the guy I was with . It was driving me crazy . I had been with him for over 44 hrs and I couldn 't remember his name ? It was at the tip of my tongue , but I couldn 't remember it to save my life . Eventually it hit me , Gary ! 10 seconds later it was gone again . This happened dozens of times . I have witnessed two cases of Transient Global Amnesia ( TGA ) in my life and this pattern was identical except that I was aware of the pattern … . Perhaps people with TGA feel that they are aware of the pattern ? … I did have the wherewithal to eventually time it ; it appeared to be a ~ 5 minute cycle . It was really bothering me and I felt like I was losing my mind . After the race I would find out that Gary was experiencing a similar phenomenon , he kept thinking my name was Jürgen , ( a nickname I quite like ) , then AT , then others . How strange is it that we were both experiencing a similar mental phenomenon ? Both of us made a quick turn - around in camp , probably 15 min . I had enjoyed Gary 's company so much , despite the fact that I couldn 't remember his name , : ) , that I was bummed to part ways on loop 5 . At the same time , I was looking forward to the euphoric solo head - space of loop 5 . Loop 5 is cool because it almost doesn 't matter how bad you feel or how tired you are , there is something about the finality of it that seems to enable the required relentless forward progress . If I moved well I could get it done before night fell . I felt so strong on the climb up Bird Mtn , hitting the top in 29 minutes , essentially the same pace as on Lap 1 , where did that come from ? I knew the adrenaline would not last , but I figured I 'd ride it as long as I could . It did indeed come to an abrupt end and I was relegated back to the death - march more consistent with this stage in the race . For the first time I had music , but it felt like a major distraction after 47 hours without it so I turned it off and tucked it away . Much better . The sun was up and I knew it was supposed to be a warm day . The pain in my quad suddenly ratcheted up several levels . Oh no ! Thankfully , the books strewn about the course provide more than just a way to verify completion of loops , occasionally there can be some useful material . I thought back to pages 59 and 60 of a prior book , which included some suddenly relevant information : I had plenty of time barring a major disaster so I just kept pecking away at the course , thankfully reading the route perfectly ; I wondering when I would run into Gary . At the Garden Spot I began checking for his page as it is possible to cross paths and not see each other . Leonard 's Butt Slide book , check ; Fykes Peak book , Gary 's page was still there . I figured the mid - point of the loop was on lower Stallion Mtn with this year 's course . At the New River road crossing there were several folks cheering . Strangely we did not exchange words and I marched right on through . At the next book when I saw Gary 's page , I figured something must have gone wrong . I scratched my way up and over to the Raw Dog Falls book , and , there was Gary 's page again . Uh no ! Doing the math my heart sank as the odds of him being able to finish were not good at this point . I remained strong on the climbs while my ability to descend reached an all - time low . On the climb up upper Pig Head creek I saw a strange blue object above me , it turned out to be Gary 's pack on the ground , with him attached ! He was sitting down and looked trashed . We talked for a bit and he explained his mishap at his book 3 along with his state of extreme sleep deprivation . He was quitting and going to hitch - hike back to camp . Damn . I thought to myself , had we stayed together on lap 5 we would have plowed to the end together . But , this is one of the many unique challenges Laz throws at us . Pushing through the entire thing together as a team would be so anti - Barkley . While I felt bad for Gary , knowing how much he had invested in it , I found comfort in my high level of confidence in him returning and putting it all together . I played the scene forward in my mind to that day when he finishes and saw the look of joy on his face . The supportive crowd at the tower was incredible , especially seeing Mindy . I pecked away down the mild upper Rat Jaw and then virtually hopped on one leg , with the aid of poles , down to the prison . When I entered the tunnel , a large media crew stopped at the entrance and began a loud conversation … . I knew they weren 't real but I could hear it so vividly . I also head a loud conversation at the other end of the tunnel . I decided to leave my headlamp off and embrace this auditory hallucination , seeing if my balance was good enough to walk the center rib by feel . It was much slower this way , but seemed like an interesting challenge to insert into loop 5 . My eyes remained mostly closed and I felt my way through the tunnel as the center rib fluctuated at varying angles and widths , using with my two poles for support . I quite enjoyed this experience and savored the short boulder problem out of the tunnel . The climb up Bad Thing was slow but pleasant followed by a brief stint of torture down Zipline where I snapped a pole . At this point I was just trying to keep the wheels on the bus from falling off . The sun was about to set and I knew the darkness of the third night would mess with my exhausted mind . I delayed turning on my headlamp as long as possible up Big Hell , knowing that the minute I did things would come crumbling down . Sure enough , the flat light took an immediate blow to my balance , cognition , and mental clarity . I began seeing my daughter 's toys strewn about the hillside . A train set to my left , a pink Lego castle to my right , an Elmo stuffed animals up ahead . I even recall a sponge - bob caricature , which is funny because she doesn 't even have one . I paused , knelt to the ground , and tried to pull myself together . I had ample time as long as I didn 't collapse and pass out . The starry night was beautiful and the temperature near perfect . The distance to the stars didn 't seem too different from that of Chimney Top . I found a suitable replacement for my broken pole and started marching again . Eventually the mountain gave in and the summit presented itself . Arriving at the final book warranted a moment of silence . I paused and tried to soak in the immensity of the journey . The cold wind on top prevented me from savoring the moment for very long . One 4 - mile painful shuffle to the bottom was all I had left . The knee hurt so bad that I took my time , stopping several times to let the pain subside . Finally I reached the bottom , crossed the creek and there I was … . in the ranger 's backyard ? Where was the trail head and parking lot ? I laughed at my mistake , and with the help of the ranger himself who came out to see what was going on when his dogs starting going ballistic , got back on track . I shuffled into camp to an overwhelming yet very supportive crowd . The media at the finish was intense , yet in a way I enjoyed it as it felt like a continuation of my earlier tunnel hallucination . The same busy conversation , yet this time I couldn 't turn off my head - lamp and make it go away , the lights were so bright . After an interesting mix of relevant questions from iconic Barkley figures and a handful of silly questions from media who had never been Out There , I could finally relax . I asked for stories about other runner 's , how did it go for Ty and Jason ? What happened to Rhonda and Christian ? It was interesting to get one sentence summaries of adventures that had been 20 - 50 hours . At the time I wasn 't present enough to process much more than that . I knew I had much to catch up on , but it would have to wait . I 've said it before and I 'll say it again , I love the Barkley for all that it is and all that it isn 't . As the world becomes increasingly exposed to this fascinating event , I hope people take the time to really understand why it is so unique . It is much less a running race and more a psychological and social experiment . It has taught me lessons about life , about myself , and about others that truly shape who I am and how I look at life . I intend to remain close to the event and the tight - knit family that supports it , hopefully returning in 2017 to for the " in - camp " experience , supporting friends , hearing stories , and dreaming about what those who are out there are learning . Massive thanks to my incredible wife Mindy who juggles her two kids with remarkable grace , love , and elegance . Thanks to Laz for your unique vision and self - defined spirit . And a huge thanks for Gary Robbins for your teamwork , friendship , and badassery . I 've received many inquiries about gear and food , so I 'll append this onto my race report . I wore the La Sportiva Mutants for 4 out of the 5 loops ( I wore the Akasha on loop 5 ) and they were absolutely perfect . The Mutant 's combination of sticky rubber , aggressive tread , snug fit , breath - ability , and a compliant heel cup make them my go - to shoe for just about everything , including Barkley now ! For Barkley I find that the knickers and tall socks ( Drymax ) combination ( see silly pictures above ) works perfectly . If it is too warm , it 's easy to pull the socks down and can just as easily pull them back up for sections with briars or when the temperature drops . I also wore Camp mini - gaitors , which worked quite well . They were , however , absolutely trashed at the end . As for my pack , I did the entire thing in the UD AK Mountain Vest 3 . 0 . This might sound crazy , but I literally used the pack out of the box , I hadn 't worn it a single time ! I have put thousands of miles on the original and 2 . 0 series and thus had the confidence to go with the new 3 . 0 . I had a PB Adventure Vest 3 . 0 just in case I need the additional volume , however , the AK MV 3 . 0 was perfect given the nice weather . I can 't speak highly enough about the new 3 . 0 series . As for food , I pre - package everything into Ziplock " snack - size " pouches . A nice rule of thumb is that for any food that packs densely , a snack - size pouch is about 600 calories , good for 2 hours . Pack everything beforehand , create larger bags with everything you need for individual loops . Doing this makes inter - loop transitions faster as one simply removes trash , loads new food , adds any necessary batteries / clothing and gets out of camp . Hi . I 'm from Brazil and I want to know if you can help me make a pre - registration for this test ? I have no idea how to start my email is topteam _ alex @ hotmail . com and my whatsApp is 55 11 9 4788 - 7605 . This is amazing to read , for a little bit of time now I 've been getting interested in the Barkley marathons . It 's amazing to me . I hope that one day in the future I will be able to run , as of now I am young and frankly out of shape . I will continue to follow these great stories in the hope that one day I will be part of them . Until then , or until I become a sacrificial lamb , I will continue to follow yours . The quote indicates that you violated the rules of the event by receiving outside help while you were not in the " interloopal " period . This doesn 't really diminish the physical and mental aspect of your journey in any way ( not to me anyways ) , but it does speak to a valid completion of the event given its rules . So far as I can tell you completed the 5th loop at 59 : 32 : 30 with 27 : 30 to spare . Given your exhaustion and the time remaining , it is plausible that you could have missed the 60 hour window without this aid . Don 't you just love testing yourself against nature and winning . Well done . The report is an amazing read - thank you for that . I guess I am at information gathering stage about entry and understand we need to find out for ourselves how this is done . I want to play . I will keep searching . Jared ! Your story and accomplishments are amazing . I 'd love to get some quotes from you for an article I 'm writing for Blue Ridge Outdoors Magazine on the Barkley Marathons . The feature story will appear in our February 2017 issue . Keep on keepin ' on ! Jared , u are a inspiration for myself and getting out there and pushing myself to extreme limits . I would love to know more about the barkley marathon . Can u get in contact with me at cg . gillamsafety @ gmail . com . i live in a small town called Alliston in Ontario Canada and want to learn all about ultra running . I also love running and seeing the look on my daughters face when i reach the finish line Hopefully hear from you soon . Thankyou Recently watched the Netflix documentary and was so utterly inspired ! The challenges trail running presents are amazing enough , let alone to truly prepare yourself for the many surprises the Barkley race brings to every runner . I would love to know how to apply for such an inspiring race and it seems emailing a past runner is the way to go . Congratulations on your outstanding accomplishments and for sharing your stories with all of us ! Hi Jared , fantastic blog and a marvelous insight on the race . I 'm a French reporter writing a story on Barkley and I 'd love to get in touch for an interview . Given the distance , this can be done by email , Skype or whichever way you wish . Bests regards . I met you in a race in Andorra ( Ronda dels Cims ) three years ago . I am one of the Spanish a bit behind you and Benjamin Lewis during the night . I was looking for info about Barkley and I found your blog . Your writing about the race is great ! I would like to ask you some questions about the race ( mainly how and when to apply for registration ) . Any info about would be more than welcome because this race is as exciting as misterious ! 🙂 I want to know what it takes to finish this race myself , any information you would be able to give me about the race in greater detail , I would gladly appreciate it . And I am dedicated to completing this race , so relying on the knowledge and wisdom from a veteran just to apply would be the next greatest accomplishment to look forward to ! Thanks so much Jared ! So as a fledgling marathoner whose more ambitious friends have recently gotten into the world of ultras , they recommended a certain documentary to me and lo and behold I look up and there 's Jared from Jazz Band , what ? ! ? You are amazing ! What an inspiration ! And I can 't imagine a more graceful competitor , the selfless way in which you carry yourself through all the trials and tribulations of the race are just really humbling . Thanks for this report , getting an inside look from your perspective make me feel a little closer to experiencing the spirit of the event . With great admiration and all the best to your family , Hi Kris , Wow , it 's so great to hear from you , it has been far too long ! Thanks so much for your kind words . Lenny Braus talked of you often with high regard and it 's amazing to see what you have done with your violin talent . Keep in touch and let me know if you have any running questions or have a go at Barkley . 🙂 Cheers , Jared Haha I don 't know if I 'll be taking on Barkley anytime soon , but I would love to pick your brain on running , yes ! And just be in touch generally . Send me an email ( I can 't seem to find your address ) ! Great to reconnect and wishing you well , Excellent report of an amazing effort Jared . My best of 4 attempts was over time after 2 loops . The Barkley is truly an amazing event as are its participants and director . Jared I watch the show and I am very interested in it . Please let me know how I can enter / apply since its a secret . From what I hear I need to email the race director on a certain day of the year and hope to be accepted . I really need this thanks . Fantastic write - up ! The hallucinations and TGA are , of course , nuts ! And your composed attitude toward them will surely be helpful to future Barkley runners if / when they experience that . That sucks about the downhill , more power to you for muscling through that pain . Your team - up with Gary , and everyone in the beginning who could keep up , speaks so much to your ideal of Barkley . Though every runner is there to push themselves , helping each other and learning is part of the experience . To say Gary is a badass for blasting into loop five on his first go is modest . Both of you are incredible runners , and inspirational people . I 'm so glad , too , that you 'll take part in the camp at Barkley , that your days aren 't done with three finishes . You can imagine everyone will hang on to each word you say , haha ! That Barkley camp keeps getting cooler , and I imagine Gary will get into that finishers ' circle real soon . I 'm thinking next year . Excellent writing to capture what it was like and helps provide a glimpse of the struggle and accomplishment it turned out being . An amazing life moment . Congratulations Jared ! Hi Alli , Thanks so much for sending this link , it is very interesting and I shared it with a number of folks who have had similar experiences . In 2014 I have an extremely vivid additional person who was tagging along with me . I had externalized the pains I was dealing with then as well . Take care , Jared Loved reading this ! Any chance for a follow up post detailing your training for this ? I 'm really curious to read what it takes to do this . I follow Barkley every year . I 've been running ultras since 2001 . I can 't tell you how wonderful it has been watching all your races . You are so inspirational and to me you represent the truest example of what ultra running is all about . I really really would love to meet you some day and get your autograph . I will be in Salt Lake City July 1 - 8 for my son 's wedding in the Draper temple . If there is any way during that time , you would be open to letting me meet you somewhere for 10 minutes to say hi and sign my book ? I would be thrilled to pieces . You can check out my Facebook page and see I do lots of ultras and know lots of people in the community . I can send you references so you will not think I am a stalker or something like that . My Facebook page is Deborah Scharpff Sexton or email me at dsexton @ sbcglobal . net . If you are not comfortable , that 's cool . But I couldn 't pass up a chance to ask since I 'll be in Salt Lake area . Jared absolutely amazing race report ! Thank you so much for sharing 🙂 So interesting that you experienced the Transient Amnesia as well on Loop 4 , it was the exact same experience for me as well during loop 4 of 2013 , where I could not remember for the life of me Travis 's name . Hope the knee pain heels up quickly and fully for you ! Congratulations again ! Great story Jared ! Your stint as a Barkley guide continues with this race report . Future Barkers would do well to pay close attention to your advice . You have indeed learned a lot " out there . " Congratulations . Many insightful plums in this story ! Just the first one was worth it : " The result of this lack of infrastructure , interestingly , is exactly what events that have lots of infrastructure desire , knowing that every runner will be okay … " A logical paradox . Events ( and people ) tend to create what they fear rather than what they love .
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The message is clear ; touching . We have heard it repeated and expressed in many different ways . Through songs , blogs , stories and in inspirational articles . In sermons and poems . God has our tears . Every tear we 've ever cried . Not a single one is lost . Not a single one went unnoticed . He collected them each one . He recorded them in His book . God is moved by our weeping . Most of my tears haven 't been cried . My eyes have stayed disturbingly and resolutely dry . The dam I built when but a child remains strong . No water is released , no matter how great the need for relief . No matter how much the pressure behind it . It wasn 't safe to let them flow freely ; not when I was a preschooler . Nor when I was in junior high . Not when married to the man who rejected me . Who didn 't love me . Never loved me . It wasn 't smart to release them to form rivers that would drip from my cheeks and drop off the tip of my nose . It wasn 't safe to feel . I held them in and kept them sealed tightly inside , carefully hidden in the darkest depths of my soul . Until I forgot how to open the floodgates . My heart has been in deep pain most of my life . My journey hasn 't been easy . It hasn 't had many ups . But the major blows have been plentiful . I 've encountered too many difficult challenges that beat me to a pulp until I was too numb to respond . Until it was all I could do to get up off the floor . Take a step . Then another . I 've had abundant reasons to cry and I 've longed many times to weep uncontrollably . But showing vulnerability has never been safe . Feeling such raw emotions has proven to be foolish . Letting someone see my heart has always been idiotic . When I slipped and exposed my weakness , the repercussions were many and they were terrible . So I have swallowed the pain . And the tears . They have remained dammed up behind a massive wall of numbness . Repressed for years and years . Every blow has caused the wall to be built higher . Wider . Stronger . The ocean of tears to grow deeper . Are they of no significance ? Hidden and unexpressed , have they lost their authenticity ? Is unexpressed pain of no importance ? Do only the tears actually released have meaning ? Are they the only ones that count ? The only ones God collects and treasures ? The tears we cry matter . He sees . Has compassion . Wipes them away . Holds each one . Knows the reason for them ; for every single one . These are the precious tears that are kept in His bottle and recorded in His book . I have a million uncried tears rotting in my soul and they will never have significance . They are worthless . The battle I fought to contain them is meaningless . The struggle I went through to carry them , to prevent them from inconveniently raining down on others , is inconsequential . I carried them when sharing them would have been easier … if riskier . I held them back and pasted a smile on my face to survive . And when surviving became all I knew how to do , the uncried tears multiplied until they were legion . But they are not in His bottle . They are bottled up in my heart , a painful reminder of all I have suffered alone . Of how my life has left me with nothing more than regrets and toxic memories . When I do not cry , is He unable to know my pain ? Does He not discern how alone I feel ? How the nights are empty and silent ? And the days are wrapped in rabid isolation ? Does He continue to absent Himself , uncaring of the hurt that rips me apart and stomps me helplessly into the earth where I am ground again to dust ? I wish I could cry freely and let God collect the tears in His bottle and record them in His book . I wish I could believe my pain moved Him , whether I managed to shed the tears or remained too afraid to let my guard down ; to open my heart . To be that vulnerable . Revealing weaknesses through tears is risky . It can give those who are intent on hurting you a way in to your most tender places . Places where they can do the most significant amount of damage . But I cannot cry . I am imprisoned behind this wall . I have waited too long to seek release . The ocean of tears I have held in for a lifetime know the boundaries set for them so long ago and no longer cross the line . All the tears I have not cried . That I 've held inside trying to survive . That I 've choked down while they almost choked me . The only bottle my tears reside in … is the cavern of my heart . I am drowning in them . Their salt stings my eyes . I taste them in my mouth . But God doesn 't gather them . He does not hold them in His hand . There is no comfort to be had . Only this ocean of sorrow . Growing larger , deeper , wider with every passing moment . And I do not know how to swim in the foul waves any more than I know how to weep until this endless sea of tears is finally drained dry . I always thought he would be able to love me if I could lose weight . Be thin . And trim . But the one he loves has thunder - thighs and a poochy tummy . She 's not as heavy as I was toward the end of our marriage , the time of ultimate despair and self - loathing . But she 's not even close to small . She has substance and heft . Casts a shadow you can 't miss . Certainly isn 't close to ideal societal standards . She doesn 't puke up what she puts in her mouth . She eats . I thought if I could be pretty enough … so he could feel good about people seeing him holding my hand … he could find a way to love me . I wasn 't pretty , but I did what I could to look nice for him . Fixed my makeup and hair . Did what I could to make myself presentable . Yet she , the one he loves , she is not what one would call pretty . She 's okay . Kind of on the plain side . Normal . Average . Not the " arm candy " type . Not the type who possesses beauty that would inspire such great devotion . And yet . He is . Devoted . To her . I thought if I worked hard enough and made enough money to take care of us , he would find value in me . Appreciate me and what I " brought to the table . " But the one he loves works for a non - profit . She 's not a big earner in any sense . She lets him take care of her . And he inherited a fortune from his parents . So he takes care of her in ways he never even thought about with me . Because he loves her . And he never loved me . No matter how hard I tried to give him reasons to love me . No matter how much I tried to make things easy … or at least easier . I thought if I dressed well , colored away the gray , looked put together , acted normal and was stylish , he would love me and be proud of me . Or at the very least , be accepting . Yet , the one he loves is sloppy . Her hair is salt and pepper … mostly salt . Frizzy , unstyled . She wears no makeup . Her clothes are haphazard and mismatched . She looks anything but put together . But he loves her . The unfashionable and frumpy . Because she doesn 't have to act normal . She doesn 't have to try to have worth . She just is . She just does . I thought if I was successful , he would see that there was more to being a good wife than cooking a meal every night ( at which I failed miserably ) and cleaning the toilets or dusting ( yep , failed at that too ) . He was the one with the low paying job and easy hours . I was the one who was paying our bills and providing opportunities for him to enjoy and indulge . I was working myself to death in an attempt to make something of myself . But he left me . And married her . The one he loved and loves still . Because she doesn 't have to do anything to deserve it . She doesn 't have to earn acceptance . She is cherished . She brings a smile to his face . No matter what she does … or doesn 't do . That face once looked at me with utter disdain . It was painted clearly across his disapproving features and reflected in those disappointed eyes . What I was … it was never enough . I wasn 't good enough . Or enough . Because I wasn 't someone like her . The one he loves is accepted . Cared for . Appreciated . Wanted . Valued . Important . Beautiful in his eyes . Everything I always wanted to be , but never could become . Being thin , successful , hardworking , loyal , intelligent … none of it made a difference . Because I was me . And he really didn 't like me at all . I wasn 't able to live up to his expectations . I wasn 't able to change who I was inside . I couldn 't make feelings I felt and thoughts that played endlessly through my weary brain go away . I couldn 't fix the broken places . I couldn 't be a different person . I couldn 't change everything that was shattered and damaged . I couldn 't stop being … me . The ax forgot , if he ever acknowledged , the impact of his hands upon my prepubescent body , probing forbidden places ; private , sacred places that fathers should never touch on their daughters . Not in that way . Not with lust dripping from his penis . Lust that caused his voice to tremble , his breath to be short and quick , his hands to move with cold deliberation , his eyes to watch greedily . The ax forgot , if he ever recognized , what it did to that daughter when he forced his hard , swollen penis inside of her as the pain split her apart . When he came on her , covering her with his sticky goo . When he came in her mouth , shooting his seed down her throat , causing her to gag . The ax forgot , if he ever considered her at all , how it destroyed her when he made her strip and dance before him or forced her into the shower with him . The ax forgot how it hurt when he hit her . When he knocked her across the room or to the floor . His memory only lasted as long as the marks , if that long . The ax forgets . But the tree remembers . To this day , she remembers . I remember . The ax forgot the pain of her slaps on her daughter 's face and the humiliation of her angry , cutting , degrading words . The fear of being dragged by the hair as that mother raged and ranted . The ax forgot how cutting her words of rejection and disappointment were to the ears of her eager child ; the child who longed to please her , who wanted to be accepted and held and wanted . The ax forgot what it meant when she averted her eyes , refusing to see , as that same timid child was being sexually used by her husband . When the daughter looked to her for help , but found only denial , demands and dismissal . The ax forgot . But the tree remembers . To this day , she remembers . Yes , I remember . The tree is forever altered . Laid to waste . Barely able , if able at all , to remain standing . The tree no longer flourishes . No longer lives . All of its energy and lifeblood is spent attempting to heal the ghastly , horrific wounds that resulted from the ax as it hacked deep into her soul . The tree longs to forget . Longs to overcome . Longs to be whole again . But the wounds of the ax have done the unspeakable . Those injuries are unbearable , horrifying and atrocious . The ax has forgotten . The ax moves on . The tree cannot forget . Because the tree is not what it was before and it will never be what it would have been had it not been so dreadfully wounded by the vile ax . The ax will go on to wound again and again in many abominable and staggering ways . Over time , the scars in the bark of the tree are so many , the tree is deformed , stunted , disgusting . The tree cannot forget because the tree cannot escape the effects of the ghastly blows . The tree tries to survive . Gone are the dreams of thriving . Of providing shade for the birds and shelter for the squirrels . The broken , wretched tree is ruined . Injured beyond repair . The ax forgets . But the tree , the tree cannot forget no matter how hard she tries . She lives with the brokenness . She carries the stink of her defilement . She cannot leave it behind her because it is woven into every cell and memory . So profound . The ax doesn 't have to live with the damage it created . Its steps , are not hindered by the crippling blows it meted out . All that came before . It 's over . In the past . But the tree cannot escape the damage . It cannot leave the destruction in the shadows of yesterday . It has been shattered and dismembered . It will never be what it was meant to be . The ax doesn 't understand why the tree won 't " get over it . " Why it doesn 't simply go on . But the tree doesn 't know how . It doesn 't have that kind of magic in its limbs . The ax forgets . The tree remembers . It longs to forget . But it can 't . It remembers everything . In pieces and fragments , like watching a movie , with memories fading in and out of the darkness , but it remembers . Oh , how the tree wishes it could forget . It 's a time of unfulfilled expectations . Of laughter that never reaches your heart . Happiness that never makes it to your soul . Because it 's supposed to be a time of families and close friends getting together , celebrating , sharing love , magic , joy . Perhaps for a lot of people , that 's what happens . But for many of us , it 's just another empty , disappointing day . One that feels even more empty than normal because it 's supposed to be full . I have a memory from when I was a young child . It 's Christmas break . My father was a teacher , so he was home with my brother and me . It was a few days before Christmas and it had snowed … a big , deep , delightful ( when you 're a child ) snow that turned the world into a wonderland . My father was born and raised in Michigan . It snowed a lot there . And while this wasn 't a major snow by Michigan standards , it was pretty significant for Missouri . The snow was thigh deep in the shallowest of places . It was almost waist deep in the drifts . My brother and I could barely contain ourselves , we were so excited . We bundled up and rushed outside to enjoy the miracle . My father didn 't often play with us . But even he seemed enchanted by the beautiful snow that shrouded the world in clean , frigid white , like icing on a cake . Being from a state where snow in the winter was an everyday affair , he knew lots of outside winter games . He asked us if we knew how to play fox and geese . We both shook our heads no , shivering with anticipation as well as with the cold . And so the fun began ! He instructed us to clear a big circular path in the snow in an open area of our yard . We kicked and dug and packed and tramped , working up a sweat . Once the circle was complete , he had us make an " x " path through the circle , dividing it into 4 equal quadrants . He was the fox first . We were the geese being chased around and through the pathways we had created in the snow . The goal of the fox was to catch a goose . Once tagged , the goose would then become the fox . We ran for our lives ! Laughing . Falling . Laughing some more . It was so much fun ! We played until we were soaking wet and freezing cold and totally exhausted . Then we all tumbled back into the house to change into dry clothes and warm our runny noses , red ears , and stiff , numb fingers and toes . I was in my room , having just opened the drawer to my dresser . I was trying to decide what sweater I wanted to wear . As I poked through the 4 or 5 sweaters I owned , I was startled when the door to my room opened and closed . My father entered and he was acting strangely . Playful daddy had turned into what I later came to know and label as " sick daddy . " He sucked the air out of the room as he entered , breathing heavily . Quivering with anticipation . I was enveloped by an overwhelming sense of dread that I didn 't understand . He removed my clothes as I hopelessly pleaded with him . Begged him not to . Kissing , fondling , groping , invading me . And when he was finished , he said , " There , now isn 't that better ? Don 't you feel warm now ? Get dressed and come on out to the kitchen . I 'll make us all some hot chocolate . " I remember standing in my room , unable to move for a time . Then picking up my discarded clothes and placing them in a pile . I dressed quickly . Quietly . I felt numb . Frozen by ice that was colder than the snow that covered the ground . Once dressed , I picked up my wet things to put them in the laundry and cast a glance back into the room before walking out the door . I wanted to make sure everything was in order . But what I most remember … vividly remember … is seeing myself still there in my room , hopelessly broken , barely breathing , laying on the floor . I remember leaving that shattered little girl behind . I left her there , a pile of gore and broken bones , shattered spirit and heart , where my wet clothes had been laying , hideously destroyed , fractured beyond recognition . She wasn 't able to walk out of that room . She wasn 't capable of facing the monster that waited down the hall with hot chocolate and marshmallows . She couldn 't pick herself up and go on ; couldn 't stop screaming . She was in a million pieces and I left her there to fend for herself , half angry with her for leaving me , for making me go out into the ugly world alone . I saw her body , ripped , torn , decimated . And instead of rushing to her side and comforting her , I turned away . I walked out of the room . Closed the door . And joined my brother and father as we sipped steaming mugs of freshly made cocoa . As if nothing had happened . As if nothing had changed . Why do I remember this particular memory so clearly ; so vividly ? It wasn 't the first time my father sexually abused me . Nor was it the last . It wasn 't one of the worst memories I have . Certainly there are far more horrible memories of perverted things he did to me . So why is this one day , this one event , etched so deeply and perfectly in my mind ? Why can I still see it as if it happened only yesterday ? Several things seem pertinent . For one thing , when my father started sexually abusing me , I was probably around 4 or 5 years old . The memories I have of that time are shrouded in fantasy . I didn 't have the maturity to understand what was happening . I didn 't like it . It scared me . It felt wrong . But I didn 't have the ability to grasp or process what he was doing . Because of this , I created a fantasy world and escaped into it . As an older child , this was becoming more difficult to execute . And I believe I had finally reached an age and a point of understanding where it was no longer possible to ignore , warp , or wrap what he was doing to me in a make - believe world . Secondly , having come to an age where I could no longer deny or shroud in fantasy what my father was doing to me , I shattered . Completely shattered . I believe the memory I have is of the day , the moment in time , when that horrible shattering took place . So even though what he did to me that day was not the vilest thing my father would ever do , it was a significant moment in time because of the internal impact . It was the moment he utterly obliterated my soul . I didn 't stop loving Christmas . Though I hate snow . But Christmas was never a carefree or magical time for me afterwards . I was always looking over my shoulder . Waiting for everything to morph into that other unspeakable reality . It was never again wonderful . There was a hidden razor 's edge , cutting into my deepest and most vulnerable parts and places . There was always pain mixed with the happiness . Fear mixed with the laughter . Terror mixed in with the carols that were sung . And I stopped expecting it to be special . Because everything that was special had been taken away from me . Magic no longer existed . The lights were not as bright , the ornaments weren 't as shiny . A hideous monster hid behind the bows and colorful paper that covered the gifts under the tree . I knew the monster . The monster watched me , waiting , pouncing , taking . Christmas that year was when I finally understood what he was . And then , I closed the lid of the brightly wrapped box in which he hid and smiled , carried on , acting as if everything was as it seemed . There are two worlds . Two worlds that exist side by side here on this planet that revolves endlessly around the sun as it hurtles through space . A planet that is but a pinpoint of light in a deep and endless darkness . A galaxy filled with light year after light year of eternal night . Two worlds . They exist side - by - side . But they 're worlds apart . Touching shoulders with each other . As different as night is from day . Neighbors . But not friendly neighbors . Distant cousins who have never met . Who don 't want to meet . In my house , on the side of the street where I grew up , there was a lot of yelling , hitting , anger , pain and rejection . There were so many expectations , I couldn 't keep up with them . Fix my parent 's life . Fix my parents . Make all A 's . Be popular . Be silent . Don 't cause trouble . Have blonde hair . Be cute and petite . Don 't be a bother . Don 't ask for anything . Don 't need . Do the dishes . And homework . Keep the secrets . The many secrets our house held . The secrets the curtains cloaked , shielded and guarded . Don 't tell . Don 't call attention to yourself . Act normal . Do what you 're told . Make everyone happy . Make everyone feel better . Make the hard stuff go away . Solve all my mother 's problems . Be her confidant . Affirm her . Take care of my little brother . Shut up . Smile . Don 't ask questions . Don 't stir anything up . In my world , the world where love wasn 't , acceptance was never achieved . If I made all A 's , I should have made A + 's . If I got all the housework done and done well , it was never good enough . I was always at fault and deficient . Because I was defective . I was a failure . Flaws could easily be thrown in my face . And of course , I couldn 't solve their problems , fix their lives or make them feel better . Nor could I make the darkness go away . Instead , the darkness swallowed me whole . And refused to spit me out . I saw the kids who came from and lived in the other world . I saw them daily at school . They were foreign to me . I couldn 't begin to imagine all of the ways in which we were different , but we were very , very different . They were better . I was inferior . I was worthless . I did keep the secrets . That 's one thing I did extremely well . One area where I exceeded expectations . The people from the other world never suspected what I endured behind the closed and locked doors of my parent 's house . My world lacked air . Warmth . Light . The laughter that existed was forced , guarded , cautious . Required . No belly laughs . No joy . Not even a little sliver of happiness . Lots of caution . Silence . Darkness . Cold . Anger . Disappointment . Fear . Anguish . No one to turn to and no safe harbor . Danger lurked . Lunged . Ripped me to pieces with razor sharp claws . When I left home at the age of 17 , I tried to leave that shadow world behind . But growing up there had damaged me on a cellular level . There was no leaving it . I left the slaps , but not the rejection . I left the sexual abuse , but not the lack of love . I left the darkness , but the darkness grew inside of me . It stunted me . Left me broken and empty . Two worlds . I drew the low card . The short straw . I came from the wrong one . I could see the other world , but I couldn 't touch it . It is and has remained forever out of my reach . Yet , more often than not , I find myself without words . Unable to speak . To verbalize a single thought . Unable to write . Unable to adequately explain why my world is so shattered . This endless void where I reside in a place of numbness and isolation is an inescapable prison . I cannot connect . I cannot breathe . I cannot connect because I can 't even begin to identify the real me standing in the lineup . I 've hidden within roles for so long , I 've lost who I truly am . If , indeed , there is enough left of me behind the mast to count as still being human . If existing counts . The masks I wear are not worn to deceive , but rather to deflect . There is a difference . They 've been worn to protect others , to deflect their eyes away from the ugliness so they won 't be horrified or offended . To protect others from me … and maybe to protect me from myself . I try to pretend that I am someone I clearly am not because I can 't get beyond the fact that who I am is not acceptable . Not normal . Not good enough . Of little or no value . So I pretend I am someone who is worth of hanging out with . Worthy of being hired by a good employer . Worthy of talking to and getting to know . Someone who isn 't a broken , empty , utterly shattered shell of a person . I leave the abused part of me at home . The unacceptable and toxic prat . The part that can 't function . Just as I left the little girl who shattered into a million gazillion pieces behind in my bedroom when she could no longer endure the sexual abuse and unnatural demands of her sick father . The child who endured the demeaning , destructive words both parents were so often known to spew . I walk out the door now , just as I walked out of my bedroom door when I was a child . I go on . Even if it 's without my heart and soul . I keep walking . Even if I don 't have anything to walk toward . Or anyone to walk beside me . I walk . I do . I function . Simply because I don 't know what else to do . Really … how does one give up ? What would that look like ? Would I stay in bed and refuse to talk ? What good would that do ? No one is going to take care of me . No one is going to lend a shoulder for me to lean on . They have their own burdens . So if I stop walking , I won 't have food . I won 't have money to pay for a house . No clothes , no car . I won 't be able to take care of my dogs or get my teeth fixed or go to the doctor when needed . I don 't know how to give up , even as I don 't know what to do next . Or if there is anything to do next . I 'm not sure there is a next step . But I take it anyway . Collapsing is only going to make things worse . And so , I keep getting up . I keep going to work . I pay my bills . I adore my dogs . I take the trash out . I pick up around the house and even clean occasionally . Including the toilets . Yet , over time , continually denying who you really are , pretending to be a " normal " and functional person , corrodes your identity until there is little left of one 's person - hood . I no longer know what I hope for or if I have any dreams left . It becomes impossible to determine if there is anything left ahead to make it worthwhile , much less wondrous . I 've strangled myself and now , I can 't imagine there is anything good . I no longer know what matters because I 've left too many little pieces of my heart behind . All I know to do is to keep walking . Keep putting one foot in front of the other . There is no viable alternative . I 'm letting my feet take me wherever they will because I don 't know what direction I should go . I keep taking one step at a time up this mountain that stands before me because there is nothing else to do . I don 't know how to stop . I will keep walking until my body simply won 't go any further . Not because I believe in the grand ending or that there will be roses along the road . Not because of any glorious view I expect to see from the mountain top , should I ever reach it . But simply because quitting is not an option . They were broken , selfish , narcissistic people . Only their own needs mattered . Everyone existed to serve them , to make them look good , to give them what they wanted and needed , to validate them . They were not stable , often allowing emotions and anger to take control . Causing them to lash out . To hit . To push and shove . To yell . To say horrible , soul - breaking things . To ridicule . To demean . To reject and belittle . The mother unit was so self - focused , she didn 't remember me as a child . I asked her once what I was like when I was small , trying to gain a different perspective on myself as I attempted to put the pieces back together again . I received letter after letter , 20 or 30 pages long … or more . About her feelings , her struggles , her disappointments during my growing up years . But not one word about me . Not one . Not one single word about what kind of a little girl I was . I finally called , thanking her for sharing her own journey , but told her I was trying to get a little insight into what others might have seen when they encountered me as a child . Silence . Then finally , she spoke . " I don 't really remember you . " And she was off on another tangent , telling me about how horrid her life was and how disappointing I was to her , having not fixed all of her many problems . She could also lash out in anger . She tended to slap hard or drag me by my hair . Crying the whole time because I was so horrible . Telling me what a failure I was and how badly I let her down . I loved to sing . I made the mistake of asking her once if she thought I had a good voice . She said , " No , not really . " Years later , when I was an adult , I discovered I was actually a pretty good singer . Found out my mother was comparing me to Barbra Streisand . That 's how good I had to be in her eyes to rate encouragement . To be worthy . Anything less than her idea of perfection meant I was a total failure . As a small child , even when I was a baby , she told me all her problems . Ran at the mouth constantly . Couldn 't shut up . When I turned 11 , I was crushed when she told me I was a huge disappointment because I wasn 't as mature as I should be . All because I couldn 't fix what was broken in her life . My job , you see , was to please her and make everything okay for her . But I was never good enough , no matter how hard I tried . I could never make everything okay . Sometimes , she would hide in the closet , too paranoid to come out and talk to anyone . I was to make excuses for her . To explain . To make the abnormal seem normal . And there was the sexual abuse . Ran the gamut from bad to worse . It permeated my childhood from around age 4 or 5 until I was 14 . A good 10 years of being used as an object . A nobody . Nothing . Keeping the secret . Living without air . Without hope . Living in fear of the darkness because that was when he would most often come to my bedroom . Trying to be invisible on the days he was off work when my mother was working . Or the times he molested me when she was reading a book while sitting in the same room . Not willing to see . Refusing to believe her " knight in shining armor " was anything less than perfect . I walked in dark shadows . I existed in Netherlands . I tip - toed through silent and terrifying days and prayed for the sun to come quickly while I lay wrapped in the darkness of night . Tormented by demons both human and supernatural . Paralyzed by fear and ravished by anguish . Pain skewered my heart . There was no place to find refuge . No safety . No protection . He died in 1998 . I have yet to shed a tear . I was actually relieved to say that final goodbye . To never again have to hold my breath while I was around him . Bracing when he came to visit . It was finally finished . She died in 2002 . Still haven 't cried . Not even once . You see , when you lose someone 40 years before they actually pass away , you have a long time to adjust . You learn to live without them long before they are gone . Because you never really had them to begin with . You say goodbye to what you never had and what will never be . To parents who never loved or protected you . You slowly realize the bond most kids develop with their parents simply isn 't in the realm of possibility in your reality . So you let go . Of hope . Piece by piece . Dream by dream . You bid your abusers farewell one moment at a time until there is no longer any connection between you . You cry your tears when you 're 7 , 8 , 10 , 12 , 15 . So when they do finally leave earth , all your tears are gone and your eyes are dry . You don 't feel anything but a quiet release . Crazy thing about all that abuse when I was a kid so many years ago . The gun was loaded . The bullet fired . Head shot . And one point blank to the heart for good measure . But the damage didn 't stop there . Those bullets ricocheted around inside of me for decades , causing more and more damage . Until the abuse that happened years before took an irreversible toll , leaving me brain dead . And my heart , what remains of it , lifeless and numb . Destroyed . Did a number on me , as they say . Ricocheting all over the place the way bullets do . The shots fired by my parent 's abuse changed me . Forever . As such , the bullets that ricocheted off the wall of my head and heart during my childhood were massively destructive . They bounced from one thought to another , laying waste to any particle of a healthy ability to see myself through eyes of acceptance . Or to have the ability to find any worth within me , if there was any to be found . They tore through me , shredding my heart and leaving me in unbearable pain . Pain I could not process . The backlash was ugly . Healing was limited . Diagnosis : impairment permanent . The numbness felt like relief when it finally enveloped me . Until it became my normal state of being . I didn 't know at the time what was taking place inside of me . I didn 't realize I was forever being altered by the shots that reverberated through every piece of me , slicing me to bits as I fought to hold myself together . Fought to keep walking . To keep going , in spite of my deadly , mortal wounds . In spite of the mortal wounds , no one could tell from the outside how damaged I was within . The blood I bled was not visible to the naked eye . No one knew the secrets I kept and how much those secrets were hurting me . No one could see the impact of the ricocheting bullets that tore through my soul again and again . Now , things other people can do … they 're really hard for me . Things like taking showers . I have to close my eyes and curl up my toes just to step in a bathtub . Because the feel of that wet porcelain takes me right back to when I was a kid . My dad soaping me all up before he slipped his penis in me . Or rubbed it all over me . Made me dirty , in spite of all that soap . The kind of dirty you can 't wash off . Even eating is hard . More damage from the ricochet . I 've struggled with eating disorders and food almost my entire life . And I 've had them all . Binge eating disorder . Anorexia . Anorexia bulimia . Food and I , we 're all mixed up . A total mess . Don 't know why , but the simple act of properly nourishing myself is not permitted . A simple thing , like talking to people , is fraught with danger . Especially people with power . Seems the fear of people and authority figures in particular makes it really difficult for me to feel comfortable enough to simply be . To quietly exist . I always have to prove myself . Work harder . Longer . Do more . Provide more return on investment . And even then , I can never let my guard down . Because those people , the normal ones who rule the world , quickly discover I 'm worthless . An object to be used . Abused . Those steel bullets that pierced my heart and sliced my brain all to bits just keep bouncing around inside of me . Tearing more flesh . Ripping fresh holes . Keeping the old ones open and bleeding . Time hasn 't taken the bounce out of them . If anything , their dance has become more frenzied with time . They ricochet off my fingers as I vainly attempt to grasp them , slicing through my soul yet again . Undeterred . Doing what bullets do . Still ripping me to shreds . I dreamed of being a writer . A good one . One who put words together in such a way that hearts were deeply moved . Words that let the broken know they were not alone , that they weren 't worthless , hideous or hopeless and that helped them to discover their incredible value and unique beauty . Words that made a difference . That changed things ; perhaps even the course of history . But certainly , the course of a life or two . I dreamed of finally leaving this wretched planet and of earning my citizenship on the planet of Normal . Of living in the city of Acceptance . A city where the sun shines more often than not . Where the neighborhoods - and neighbors - were safe enough for me to travel without my ghost costume … the one that makes me almost invisible . I dreamed of being a regular person there on the planet of Normal in the city of Acceptance , living on the corner of the streets of Fulfillment and Joy . That place where the sun perpetually shines . But here I sit , in the dark on the airless planet of Doom , looking back at the young dreamer I once was with deep sadness and much regret . I am watching my dreams fall like dying stars . Streaking through the night until they dissolve into nothingness . I live on this planet not because I am still being abused . My childhood abusers are long dead . Not because I am being beaten or continually harmed . But what keeps me here is this : I no longer believe . Not in myself . Not in the outcome of my quest . I have discovered while on my many journeys over the harsh terrain of this god - forsaken planet I have repeatedly attempted to escape , leaving the planet of one 's birth is not as easy as it sounds . Because where you begin gets inside of you . It stays with you . Permeates every fiber of your being . Keeps a tight grip . Brands you . And branded , broken , beaten down foolish dreamers aren 't often able to immigrate to a beautiful planet like Normal . Where air is free and you don 't have to pay to exist . It doesn 't work that way . The damage that was done remains . Dreams fall like dying stars from the sky of this planet of darkness and death . Not the kind of stars you wish upon . Not the kind of stars that herald hope . These are stars that mark the end . The end of every wish ever wished . Of every goal you ever pursued . Of every chance , opportunity and option . The end of everything . Everything you were , are and will come to be . When dreams die , it no longer matters that one is sitting in the deep darkness in the isolating city of Pain on the planet of Doom . Because when dreams perish , hope and expectations also cease to exist . Sitting in the utter darkness somehow seems fitting . There is a peace to be found in finally giving up the fight . In admitting this is as good as it gets . It no longer matters that " as good as it gets " is indeed rather appalling . Dreams fall like dying stars , crashing all around me while twitching with chaotic , hideous spasms . I am numb to their death . For as they , these hopes and aspirations I have held close for so long , streak across the sky , their light flaring in their final journey before they quietly expire , so do I feel the fire within me growing cold . Quotes : " I am only one , but still I am one . I cannot do everything , but still I can do something . And because I cannot do everything , I will not refuse to do the something I can do . " ~ Helen Keller " It 's not what you are that holds you back ; it 's what you think you are not . " ~ Denis Waitley " We could learn a lot from crayons . Some are sharp , some are pretty and some are dull . Some have weird names , and all are different colors , but they all have to live in the same box . " ~ Unknown " If I could be any part of you , I 'd be your tears . To be conceived in your heart , born in your eyes , live on your cheeks , and die on your lips . " ~ Author Unknown .
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SNAP , a multinational celeb TV show and magazine , is the holy grail for Maxie Gwenoch . When she snags the job as managing editor , she 's looking for fame , fortune and Jimmy Choos . What she finds is a media empire owned by Baron Kandesky and his family . A family of vampires . They 're European , urbane , wealthy and mesmerizing . And when she meets Jean - Louis , vampire and co - worker , she 's a goner . The Kandesky vampire family rose in Hungary centuries ago . They gave up violence and killing to make a killing on the world 's commodities markets and with that beginning they built SNAP , an international celebrity multimedia empire . Now cultured . . . and having found food substitutes for killing . . . they 've cornered the world market for celebrity and gossip journalism . Maxie believes she 's found her ultimate career . She doesn 't realize that she 's found a family feud like none other , a centuries - old rivalry between vampire families , with her as the linchpin . Bells ring with Jean - Louis , but she doesn 't realize they 're alarm sirens until she learns that Jean - Louis is second in command of the Kandeskys . . . but by then it 's too late . ~ From GoodReads Set in the world of a twenty - four hour celebrity media empire , SNAP : The World Unfolds Maxie Gwenoch , a much coveted young executive . Maxie thinks she 's in for a typical , yet exciting new job . But she soon learns that there 's more to the job than it seems and her very life is at stake . I 'm going to be honest and say that I didn 't connect with this story . Maybe it was the fact that there 's no backstory on Maxie , no reason to be invested in her or the job . Chapter one begins with her first day at SNAP and thrusts you directly in the action , which is fine , but with the lingo and rapid pace , I felt a bit disoriented . Maxie 's complete trust in those around her , even when she discovers deception , threw me . I think discovering your bosses are vampires and your driver is a demon warrants a major freakout , but that 's just me . I didn 't connect to the secondary characters , either . Maxie 's potential love interest , Jean - Louis , came off cold and stiff , maybe fitting to his nature , but I didn 't get the appeal . Even when the become closer , I didn 't get a sense of true attraction between Maxie and Jean - Louis . I will say , though , that the backstory in regards to the vampires was quite interesting . I 'm always amazed when an author takes such a well - explored genre and creates a little bit of their own history . The centuries - long war between the Kandeskys and the Huszars is full of political and personal intrigue , bloodshed , and betrayal . As I said before , SNAP : The World Unfolds just wasn 't the book for me . The lack of connection or inventestment in the outcome was too big of a leap for me . Favorite Quote : Women have been known to lament , " Always a bridesmaid , never a bride . " For Johnny Smith , the problem is , " Always a Best Man , never a groom . " At age 33 , housepainter Johnny has been Best Man eight times . The ultimate man 's man , Johnny loves the Mets , the Jets , his weekly poker game , and the hula girl lamp that hangs over his basement pool table . Johnny has the instant affection of nearly every man he meets , but one thing he doesn 't have is a woman to share his life with , and he wants that desperately . When Johnny meets District Attorney Helen Troy , he decides to renounce his bro - magnet ways in order to impress her . With the aid and advice of his friends and family , soon he 's transforming his wardrobe , buying throw pillows , ditching the hula girl lamp , getting a cat and even changing his name to the more mature - sounding John . And through it all , he 's pretending to have no interest in sports , which Helen claims to abhor . As things heat up with Helen , the questions arise : Will Johnny finally get the girl ? And , if he 's successful in that pursuit , who will he be now that he 's no longer really himself ? THE BRO - MAGNET is a rollicking comedic novel about what one man is willing to give up for the sake of love . ~ From GoodReads You know the guy , he 's the one that has all the guys ' attention . He 's funny , loves his beer , is into sports , can tell a great story . He 's dressed like a college frat boy , complete with the backwards baseball cap . He 's a real " man 's man " . But the women ? Not so much . From the moment Johnny was born , he 's been a " disappointment to women " . It began when his mother died shortly after his birth , after she discovered he wasn 't the daughter she was hoping for . It continued with his Aunt Alfresca , who always reminded him ( lovingly ? ! ) that he killed her sister . Then there 's Alice , the neighborhood girl who Johnny always secretly adored , who has nothing but disdain for him . Fast forward to age thirty - three , and not much has changed for poor Johnny . He 's been a best man eight times . The only woman in his life is Sam , who also happens to love sports and beer , and would be perfect for him , if she were into men . So when Johnny meets Helen , he is determined to make all the changes necessary to win , and keep , the girl . But will it be worth if he can never be himself ? I have to start this review by saying , THE BRO - MAGNET is laugh - out - loud funny . I was reading this in the car on a roadtrip , and I kept busting out laughing and reciting lines for my husband . Very early on , I realized that the book would make a terrific movie . It could be one of those great comedies , starring someone like Vince Vaughn , that also has a nice bit of heart and a message . The realistic , matter - of - fact narrative written by author Lauren Baratz - Logsted was a like a blast of refreshing air and offered a much needed change of pace for me . To be inside the mind of a man , especially one like Johnny , was a blast . It also gave me a lot to think about , to be honest , in regards to expectations , and trying to change people . The heart of THE BRO - MAGNET is Johnny 's journey to John , his transformation from an overgrown boy to a man . And how far he 's willing to go to get the girl . The advice he gets is often hilarious and sometimes off . I 'm beginning to think , compared to some of the women in the book , that I 'm a bit off . Johnny / John loves sports , casual clothing and Morning Joe . All of to which I say " Yes ! And can I have some more . " . He 's also smart and good looking . Um . . . I 'm not seeing the problem here ! Okay , I have to admit , I 'm one of the most chilled - out wives ever , so my opionion probably doesn 't count . Of course , he could stand to be a bit more charming or attentative , I get that . I just didn 't want him to lose the essential ( read : awesome ) parts of his personality . And finding out just how far he 's willing to go for Helen made me read this book at a blazing pace , exhilarated when the story came full circle . THE BRO - MAGNET is a book that both men and women will love . The men will undoubtedly want to be him , while the women will want to fix him . The story is hysterical , surprisingly charming , and ultimately heart - warming . Fifteen - year - old Isabelle Scott loves her life by the boardwalk on the supposed wrong side of the tracks in North Carolina . But when tragedy strikes , a social worker sends her to live with a long - lost uncle and his preppy privileged family . Isabelle is taken away from everything she 's ever known , and , unfortunately , inserting her into the glamorous lifestyle of Emerald Cove doesn 't go so well . Her cousin Mirabelle Monroe isn 't thrilled to share her life with an outsider , and , in addition to dealing with all the rumors and backstabbing that lurk beneath their classmates ' Southern charm , a secret is unfolding that will change both girls ' lives forever . ~ From GoodReads I think it 's a universal truth that 99 . 9 % of all kids have a fantasy : One day they will be whisked away from their drab , parent - addled life into a world filled with clothes , money , new cars . . . you get the idea . Back when I was a kid , I hoped my " real parents " were a king and queen . These days , I think kids will settle for unlimited texting and a bottomless iTunes account . But not Isabelle " Izzy " Scott . She 's happy with her life on the wrong side of the tracks . She doesn 't even mind the run down home she lives in , or the fact that her only family after her mother 's death is her increasingly forgetful grandmother . She has her friends , including the adorable yet mysterious Brayden , her school , her beach . This life is her 's and she wouldn 't trade it for anything . So when her grandmother , in a lucid state , has her sent to previously unknown family , Izzy 's world is shattered . Who wants the glam life where people treat you like a charity case , act like your a criminal because of your upbringing , or act like you don 't deserve to be there ? Where your perfect new " cousin " is one of the mean girls trying to bring you down ? And what will Izzy do when she finds a face from her old life and learns long - hidden truths about her background ? There was so much that I adored about BELLES . . I love the premise of a girl being offered the good life , and seeing how she responds . Izzy was determined , yet vulnerable . It would be so easy to slip like a warm glove into the new world she 's offered . I mean , who doesn 't want the best money can offer ? But she is determined to remain the same girl she was before . BELLES is also told from Izzy 's new cousin , Mira 's , point of view . The alternating points of view really helped keep me from completely hating Mira . Without knowing what she 's actually feeling , she could have become a heartless , spineless brat . It was nice to see her vulnerabilites , even though I was never on her " side " . There are some nice dramatic bits to the story , usually courtesy of the Mean Girls , lead by the awful Savannah . This girl was a pill , without becoming a caricature . If I could have climbed into the story and throttle her myself , I would have . Thank goodness I never had to face girls like this back in school . I would have been in the principal 's office , or at the police station , on a regular basis . Another dramatic turn comes fairly soon after Izzy moves . In the interest of not spoiling the story , my lips are sealed . But it was a nice surprise I didn 't see coming at all . It upped the " WTF Factor " in Izzy 's world and totally made me love this story so , so much . My only small complaint would be that the BIG revelation came too late in the story . This was something I figured out pretty quickly and waited the entire book for the bomb to drop . I would have liked to have seen more of the fallout , but with book two coming this Fall , I don 't have to wait long to find out what happens next . All in all , I really , really enjoyed this book . Author Jen Calonita 's writing flows flawlessly , making it an easy , fast read . If you 're a fan of Contemporary Young Adult with healthy doses of drama and heart , BELLES should be a great fit . Favorite Quote : Her econ professor gives her an email address for Landon , the class tutor , who shows her that she 's still the same intelligent girl she 's always been . As Jacqueline becomes interested in more from her tutor than a better grade , his teasing responses make the feeling seem mutual . There 's just one problem - their only interactions are through email . Meanwhile , a guy in her econ class proves his worth the first night she meets him . Nothing like her popular ex or her brainy tutor , Lucas sits on the back row , sketching in a notebook and staring at her . At a downtown club , he disappears after several dances that leave her on fire . When he asks if he can sketch her , alone in her room , she agrees - hoping for more . Then Jacqueline discovers a withheld connection between her supportive tutor and her seductive classmate , her ex comes back into the picture , and her stalker escalates his attention by spreading rumors that they 've hooked up . Suddenly appearances are everything , and knowing who to trust is anything but easy . ~ From GoodReads Why I 'm Waiting ~ I 've heard only great things about Tammara Webber 's books . I have her BETWEEN THE LINES series on my tbr - list and hope to read them soon . EASY sounds brilliant . I love Mature YA . So yeah , I think I definitely have enough reasons to read EASY ! Make sure to share the title and the author so other TT participants can add the book to their TBR piles . This week 's Teaser is fromFrom the author of Twenty Boy Summer , a teen pushes the limits to follow her dreams - and learns there 's a fine line between bitter and sweet . . . . Once upon a time , Hudson knew exactly what her future looked like . Then a betrayal changed her life and knocked her dreams to the ground . Now she 's a girl who doesn 't believe in second chances , a girl who stays under the radar by baking cupcakes at her mom 's diner and obsessing over what might have been . So when things start looking up and she has another shot at her dreams , Hudson is equal parts hopeful and terrified . Of course , this is also the moment a cute , sweet guy walks into her life - and starts serving up some seriously mixed signals . She 's got a lot on her plate , and for a girl who 's been burned before , risking it all is easier said than done . It 's time for Hudson to ask herself what she really wants , and how much she 's willing to sacrifice to get it . Because in a place where opportunities are fleeting , she knows this chance may very well be her last . . . . ~ From GoodReads " I close my eyes and throw my head back , big impossible flakes landing on my face and blotting out the sound , and for a moment , everything is still . I 'm trapped in a giant snow globe , bound to the surface of the ice , nothing left to do but wait for someone to upturn and shake the world , set me back on my feet , and watch the sky fall . " ( pg . 280 ) From the author of Twenty Boy Summer , a teen pushes the limits to follow her dreams - and learns there 's a fine line between bitter and sweet . . . . Once upon a time , Hudson knew exactly what her future looked like . Then a betrayal changed her life and knocked her dreams to the ground . Now she 's a girl who doesn 't believe in second chances , a girl who stays under the radar by baking cupcakes at her mom 's diner and obsessing over what might have been . So when things start looking up and she has another shot at her dreams , Hudson is equal parts hopeful and terrified . Of course , this is also the moment a cute , sweet guy walks into her life - and starts serving up some seriously mixed signals . She 's got a lot on her plate , and for a girl who 's been burned before , risking it all is easier said than done . It 's time for Hudson to ask herself what she really wants , and how much she 's willing to sacrifice to get it . Because in a place where opportunities are fleeting , she knows this chance may very well be her last . . . . ~ From GoodReads " I 'm cold and horizontal , helplessly pinned beneath a boy . A cute one . Our skates are all tangled up and our hearts are knocking against each other like they 're ready to take this outside . " ( pg . 31 ) As unspeakable secrets unfold all around Adria , impossible choices become hers to bear . Ultimately , no matter what path she takes , her life and the lives of those she loves will be in peril . As she learns about the werewolf world she also learns why her place in it will change the destinies of many . ~ From GoodReads As a fan of paranormal young adult books , I dove into THE MAYFAIR MOON with great expectations . On the whole , I wasn 't overwhelmed by the story , but I did like it . THE MAYFAIR MOON is the story of Adria , a teenage girl living in Georgia with her beloved sister , Alex , her co - dependant mother and abusive step - father . After the two girls are attacked by what seems to be a werewolf , which is mistakenly attributed to their step - father , they are sent to live with an aunt and uncle in Maine . Alex is changed by the attack . She is sullen , distant , angry and eventually runs away from home , joining what appears to be a cult . Adria , desperate to find and save his sister , is befriended by a group , a mysterious family , the Mayfairs . Adria is immediately attracted to Isaac Mayfair , son of their leader . Being pulled in two directions by two warring packs , between her sister 's group and the Mayfairs , Adria must decide between her sister and her heart . So as I said , I did like THE MAYFAIR MOON . I found the author 's writing to be precise and easy to follow . This is a book that I was able to read extremely quickly , despite the length . The writing is very descriptive , setting - wise , but never felt bogged down with details . I also liked her take on werewolves . It wasn 't just bites and full moons . There was a lot more going on than what I normally see . The werewolf world was full of centuries long vendettas , blood bonds , and political conflict . These variations added just enough to the story to make me feel as if I were reading something completely new . But there were also a few things about THE MAYFAIR MOON that made it less than great , for me . For starters , the story moves fairly slowly . Once the girls move to Maine , there isn 't a lot going on . I think that can be explained by the fact that there is a lot of world - building , or explanations that take place . Once the different people and backgrounds are in place , the plot does pick back up . And I would expect the next book in the series to maintain that pace now that the background has been established . I was also thrown by the connection between Adria and Isaac . It felt rushed to me . They meet , and there 's an immediate connection . Then , they are around each other a few times , but nothing that screamed " True Love " to me . Then Adria finds Isaac with another girl , runs out of the house and refuses to speak to him . She 's embarrassed , I understand . But I don 't get the level of hurt and how she feels he owes her an explanation . When he does explain , and she accepts , then he tells her the other girls who live in the Mayfair house are jealous because of their connection . Which reminds me , the Mayfair house . . . it seems sort of like a harem . I understand why the people are there , but I felt sort of gross with the way the girls are always all over Isaac . But they are werewolves , so I guess it 's explained by the animal attraction theory . Overall , I would say that THE MAYFAIR MOON is a book that I didn 't love , but I did like a quite a bit . With a dark , brooding atmosphere and a paranormal mystery THE MAYFAIR MOON is a book that will appeal to fans of paranormal young adult books . Favorite Quote : I saw Isaac 's expression out of the corner of my eye ; it shrank into something less solid and more humiliated . I laughed . Inside , of course . ' He even has his own cologne , ' said Nathan . ' It 's called . . . Dark Allure or some cheesy thing like that . ' ( pg . 127 ) The one bright spot in Riley 's world is Ian 's descendent , Kade MacKinnon , who could easily be Ian 's modern day twin . The parallels between the two guys are undeniable . As Riley 's relationship with Kade blossoms , she begins to realize Laria has grown in her power since their last confrontation - a power that could very well manipulate the living just as effectively as the dead . Please note : THE HAUNTED is a mature YA . Due to strong language , mention of alcohol and drug use , cutting , and sexual content , it is not recommended for younger teens . ~ From GoodReads THE HAUNTED takes off immediately where book one in the MacKinnon Curse series , THE DEEPEST CUT left off . Thank goodness because I didn 't want to miss one single second of what happened after Riley got her first glimpse of Kade , who looks exactly like his ancestor , Ian , a former ghost . And I have to stop right here and say , I miss Ian so , so much ! I mean , I was a little hesitant to read this book because I was afraid that no one could compare to Ian with his flowing white shirt and his charming demeanor . But as it turns out , the MacKinnons have some strong DNA sequences because his descendant Kade , well , he is quite the Scottish charmer too . Then there 's Laria , the evil ghost who is out to get Riley for interfering with Ian . She 's back , and she 's taking the evil to a whole new level . So now it 's up to Riley to save herself , those she loves , begin a new relationship , and manage to avoid regressing into her cutting habit . Easy peasy , right ? In real life , I 'm kind of a chicken , so there are very few " ghost stories " that appeal to me . I think what makes this series work so well for me is that it 's not only a ghost story . Riley is haunted , but she is also a normal teenage girl , in many ways . She is still dealing with her mother 's death , her father 's absences , and a brother she worries about . She still misses her friend , Ian , who she did have strong feelings for , but still let go . She is a former " cutter " who fights the urge to begin again every day . She is a girl who is falling for an impossibly cute , sweet guy who happens to be a dead ringer for her former love . The fact that THE HAUNTED deals with these issues makes the book appealing to even those who might not consider reading a ghost story . On the other hand , THE HAUNTED is super creepy . Laria has taken the proverbial gloves off and is gunning for Riley , and she doesn 't care who or what she has to go through to get to her . She is willing to possess and try to destroy Riley 's friends and family . She is making herself known to those around her . There were honestly a few times I got goosebumps while reading this book . But it was written in a manner that didn 't terrify me in a bad way , if that makes any sense . I guess I was a chilled but not paralyzed with fear . I have to give author J . A . Templeton major credit for the choices she ( or her characters ) makes in her writing . To make Riley a cutter couldn 't have been easy . It 's a compulsion that isn 't well understood by a lot of people and has been a controversial topic at times . She made me , through Riley , understand why someone would choose to do it , and even though a person may stop the act , the urge doesn 't just go away . She also allows her characters to be flawed , less than perfect . Some of them drink , some smoke pot , they curse a bit , they have s - e - x . And sometimes their actions have consequences . It 's not written in a glamorizing fashion . They 're real , pure and simple . While reading THE HAUNTED , I felt the same as I did while reading THE DEEPEST CU ( One sweet , one scary ! ) " He closed the door behind him . He reached up , his hand easing into my hair , his thumb brushing over my lower lip . ' I can 't stop thinking about you . ' " ( ebook , 46 % ) Shane was levitating a few feet off the bed - his body stick straight , his shaggy hair falling away from him . ' Shane , ' I said , taking a step closer . Without looking away from my brother , I felt for the light switch and turned it on . The bulb flashed and went out . " ( ebook , 49 % ) Becoming immortal wasn 't supposed to be the easy part . Though Kate is about to be crowned Queen of the Underworld , she 's as isolated as ever . And despite her growing love for Henry , ruler of the Underworld , he 's becoming ever more distant and secretive . Then , in the midst of Kate 's coronation , Henry is abducted by the only being powerful enough to kill him : the King of the Titans . Book two in the Goddess Test series , GODDESS INTERRUPTED begins six months after THE GODDESS TEST . Kate is returning to the Underworld after spending her first summer away from Henry in Greece , with James . Kate is hoping for a loving welcome from her reserved husband , and happy start to her new life as Queen of the Underworld . But an old threat has returned , and Henry is in danger . Kate must navigate the Underworld to find the one soul who can help her save her husband and the other gods , her sister , Persephone . And she also happens to be Henry 's former wife . But even if Kate can save Henry , will she be able to save their marriage ? [ Sidenote : Can I just say it 's kind of weird to have a YA novel with a married heroine ? There 's nothing wrong with it , actually , just a thought I wanted to throw out there . Now that I 've said my random bit , I 'll get to my thoughts . ] - The overall story . Greek Mythology was my favorite area of study in Literature . I have read The Iliad and The Odyssey many times , for fun . Author Aimee ' Carter took timeless " characters " and has given them an updated , lively spin . I love how Carter assigned new names , but identifiable traits for the gods and goddesses . - I also liked the slow - building relationship between Kate and Henry . Henry is extremely mired by the pain of losing Persephone to a mortal . He has deemed himself unlovable and is slow to trust , even his wife . It would have been easier for the author to make Henry into a happy , loving person once he met Kate , but it would have also made getting to know him less interesting , because emotionally damaged boys ( even those who can smite you ) are usually the ones who steal your heart . - Aimee ' Carter is an excellent author . Her words flow in an easy manner that makes reading her books a pleasure . The dialogue is never stilted . Her words never sound awkward or ill - placed while reading . - Okay , so I know I said before that I liked the relationship between Henry and Kate , and I do . What I don 't like , however , is Kate spending the entire book wringing her hands over Henry 's feelings for Persephone and the fact he 'll never love her as much as his first wife . I do get that Kate is still a teenager , newly married , and dealing with a load of emotional baggage . But enough . I don 't want to literally spend every page listening to it . - My least favorite part of the story was some of the events that take place in GODDESS INTERRUPTED . And what makes this tough is that I can 't defend that position without spoiling parts of the book , particularly the last few chapters . Kate has a real talent for throwing herself into unnecessary positions . But what really got me was the last few pages . It felt rushed , forced , and didn 't wholly make sense . All in all , GODDESS INTERRUPTED is a book that I didn 't love , but I liked it well enough . I felt a bit disappointed because it felt like the story didn 't advance , but actually regressed , in regards to Henry and Kate 's relationship , until the very end of the book . I didn 't love the ending , but it does provide a great setup for book three in the series , THE GODDESS INHERITANCE . " I 'm not leaving you for him . I 'm not leavig you for anybody , and I never would have gone looking for something better . You are my something better , and I wish - I wish I was yours , too . " ( ARC , 79 % ) " If I were a better man , I would be able to show you the love and affection you deserve . As I am not , I can only offer you what I am capable of giving . But I assure you , just because I do not show it doesn 't mean I do not feel it . " ( ARC , 93 % ) Amy is fine living in the shadows of beautiful Lila and uber - cool Cassie , because at least she 's somewhat beautiful and uber - cool by association . But when their dates stand them up for prom , and the girls take matters into their own hands - earning them a night in jail outfitted in satin , stilettos , and Spanx - Amy discovers even a prom spent in handcuffs might be better than the humiliating " rehabilitation techniques " now filling up her summer . Worse , with Lila and Cassie parentally banned , Amy feels like she has nothing - like she is nothing . Why I 'm Waiting ~ It 's Contemporary YA . Amy seems like a girl most of us can identify with . And , oh yeah , Prom sucks . At least mine did . But seriously , PRETTY AMY seems awesome . Lucky me , I have an ARC coming my way soon ! Becoming immortal wasn 't supposed to be the easy part . Though Kate is about to be crowned Queen of the Underworld , she 's as isolated as ever . And despite her growing love for Henry , ruler of the Underworld , he 's becoming ever more distant and secretive . Then , in the midst of Kate 's coronation , Henry is abducted by the only being powerful enough to kill him : the King of the Titans . Y ' all know I love Abbi Glines , right ? And if you read my review of BECAUSE OF LOW , you know I had major love for bad boy Cage York . So you know that I am beyond excited to take part in the cover reveal for the next book in the SEA BREEZE series , WHILE IT LASTS . Maybe driving home after a few ( or more ) shots of tequila had been a bad idea , but hell , he did it all the time . The cops had to have been freaking bored to have pulled him over . He wasn 't even swerving ! That 's Cage York 's story and he 's sticking to it . Unfortunately , his baseball coach isn 't buying it . Cage has a free ride to the local junior college for baseball - - or he did , until he 'd gotten a DUI . Now , Cage has to decide : does he drop out and give up his dream of getting noticed by a college in the SEC , and possibly making it into the Major Leagues - - or does he give in to his coach 's demands and spend his summer bailing hay ? Eva Brooks had planned out her life step by step when she was eight years old . Not once over the years had she lost sight of her goals . Josh Beasley , her next door neighbor , had been the center of those goals . He 'd been her first boyfriend at seven , her first kiss at ten , her first date at fifteen , and her first tragedy at eighteen . The moment she 'd received the phone call from Josh 's mother saying he 'd been killed along with four other soldiers just north of Baghdad , Eva 's carefully planned life imploded in the worst way possible . Cage isn 't real happy with his closet - sized bedroom in the back of a foul smelling barn , or his daily interactions with cows , but he knows that if he doesn 't make his coach happy then he can kiss his scholarship goodbye . Only a sick and twisted man would decide his punishment was to be working on a farm all summer . No hot babes in bikinis waiting to meet a Southern boy to make her vacation complete . Just him and the damned cows . Awesome , right ? What I wouldn 't give to be that bale of hay . ( Yep , I said it . ) Be sure to add WHILE IT LASTS to your GoodReads tbr - list . Posted by Today , I have a truly lovely guest post from Lucy Swing , author of FEATHERMORE . The post is followed by details of the fabulous blog tour giveaway hosted by Lucy . And now . . . author Lucy Swing . Enjoy . WHY I WRITE YA As an avid reader , I will pretty much read any genre at all . When I started reading as a child I was obsessed with R . L . Stine . My parents had a clothing store at the mall and I would spend hours at the bookstore reading Goosebumps . Whenever I came across any kind of money at all , it would go toward a book . When I started growing up , and although I kept reading Stine 's books , my taste became a little bit broader . Now , whenever I had money I spent it on clothes or going out with my friends , and that is why I began reading my Mom 's books . She , like I , has to go to sleep with a book in hand . And so there were plenty for me to choose from , however her genre was a little different that mine , she loved romance novels . Think Nora Roberts and Danielle Steele . And so I daydreamed of handsome and romantic men that would come to sweep me off the floor , the romantic in me was born . I went on , for years reading anything my mom purchased . The DaVinci code drove me wild ! But it wasn 't until I was told about Twilight that I became a DIE HARD reader . I was working at the hospital at the time . I had taken a very lunch break and so I was completely alone in our break room . On the table was a paperback of Twilight . The TV wasn 't working and so I picked it up , after all , I had half an hour to kill . OH MY GOD , the half an hour disappeared . I don 't know how it is possible , but time fast forwarded ! I had gotten so into the story that by the time I came up for air it had been an hour ! I was so busted . Reluctantly I put it down and headed back to work . I couldn 't concentrate , I had Meyer 's story engraved in my mind . 7pm came around and I bolted to my car . I didn 't go home , I told my Mom I would pick up the kids a little bit later and drove like a maniac to the bookstore . By then , the first three were already out , so I bought them all . It might have taken me a week before I had read them all . I was ADDICTED . Since then I have read all four about 10 times each , and every time , it 's like the very first . It was because of the Twilight saga that I decided to become a writer . I wanted readers to feel the way Meyers had made me feel . To become the character and have a break from our everyday lives . I wanted to create an escape that readers would want to escape to . And so my genre of choice was easy , Young Adult . It is the genre I like reading most . How many of you were told by a parent , aunt , grandmother how we would one day miss our teenage years ? How we would one day want to turn back time and be in high school again ? Everything my Mom has ever said to me and was brushed off as " Yeah , right . Whatever " has come true . And so , what better way to re - live those days than by creating my own ? The Young Adult genre is not just for teenagers , it is for everybody that misses those days and wants to , even if for a few hours a day , go back and reminisce . YA is also for the teenagers dealing with the realistic issues sometimes mingled in the stories , in the case of Feathermore , bullying . I was bullied when I was younger and I completely stand against it . It breaks people and scars them for life in one way or another . For adults , as I said before , YA is a getaway to times already passed . Jade , like any other student at Brushwood High , awaits the start of the school year with a certain measure of dread . Worse , she is being threatened by a voice that only she can hear - a voice that lurks at the edges of her awareness , haunting her and warning her of something unknown . She has always been able to count on her two best friends , Claire and Nate , but can she confide in them now ? About this ? Would they even believe her ? But Jade soon comes to realize that good things don 't last forever . When everything spirals out of control , she is shattered by something she never saw coming . Dazed and despairing , she must now overcome tragedy and embrace her true existence and a new but dangerous love . Will she be able to save herself and those she loves , before it 's too late ? Or will she let the surrounding darkness consume her ? " During a FridayReads Twitter Book Tour , one of the reviewers from the book blog Insatiable Booksluts tweeted that my novel The Earthquake Machine is like " Huck Finn with vibrators . " I love that tweet because it really captures the adventurous , girl - powered spirit of The Earthquake Machine . Instead of Huck Finn running away and teaming up with a runaway slave , in The Earthquake Machine a girl named Rhonda runs away to Mexico to find her family 's yardman Jésus , who has been deported . And instead of the Misssissippi River , the Rio Grande River runs through my novel . And of course instead of Huck Finn pretending to be a girl , my protagonist Rhonda changes her appearance so she can " pass " as a Mexican boy named Angel and travel safely deep into interior Mexico . I wanted The Earthquake Machine to be a bold and daring coming - of - age tale for every woman or grrrl who ever longed to shake off the limitations imposed by her gender and take a wild journey . The Earthquake Machine The Earthquake Machine tells the story of 14 year - old Rhonda . On the outside , everything looks perfect in Rhonda 's world , but at home Rhonda has to deal with a manipulative father who keeps her mentally ill mother hooked on pharmaceuticals . The only reliable person in Rhonda 's life is her family 's Mexican yardman , Jesús . But when the INS deports Jesús back to his home state of Oaxaca , Rhonda is left alone with her increasingly painful family situation . Determined to find her friend Jésus , Rhonda seizes an opportunity to run away during a camping trip with friends to Big Bend National Park . She swims to the Mexican side of the Rio Grande and makes her way to the border town of Milagros , Mexico . There a peyote - addled bartender convinces her she won 't be safe traveling alone into the country 's interior . So with the bartender 's help , Rhonda cuts her hair and assumes the identity of a Mexican boy named Angel . She then sets off on a burro across the desert to look for Jesús . Thus begins a wild adventure that fulfills the longing of readers eager for a brave and brazen female protagonist . Mary Pauline Lowry has worked as a forest firefighter , screenwriter , open water lifeguard , construction worker , and advocate in the movement to end violence against women . Due to no fault of her sweet parents , at 15 she ran away from home and made it all the way to Matamoros , Mexico . She believes girls should make art , have adventures , and read books that show them the way . Posted by I am so excited to be taking be in this cover reveal WINGS OF ARIAN by Devri Walls . Devri is a total sweetie and I am happy to see her book coming together so beautifully . I have to say , when I opened the file that contained the cover art , my jaw dropped . This cover is SO GORGEOUS and was designed by the talented Claudia at Phatpuppy Art . Kiora thought she had never heard a lie until she was sixteen . But she was wrong . Her entire existence was based on nothing but . She thought that evil did not exist . Lie . That magic was not real . Lie . And that the land of Meros was all there was . One more lie . However , this journey was never meant to be hers alone . She will be accompanied by a Protector . To her disbelief , and utter irritation they name the hotheaded , stubborn , non - magical , ( albeit gorgeous ) Prince Emane . They will have to trust each other with their lives , but right now Kiora would settle for a non hostile conversation . And now it comes down to this , If you had never heard a lie , would you know when you heard one ? Is knowing good from evil innate ? Kiora finds herself having to decide who lives and who dies on those very questions . Devri Walls lives in Kuna Idaho with her husband and two kids . She has worked as amusic teacher and currently , a preschool teacher . She majored in theater and her loveof a story still drives her today . Thankfully , she has finally found an outlet for all thevoices in her head . Her first novel , Wings of Arian , will be released on Amazon May of2012 . Find her on Twitter , Facebook or on her blog ; www . writingmyfuture . comComing Soon : Tour invites for Wings of Arian are being divided up and situated . . . oh yes , an INVITE ONLY tour ! Be checking your inbox ! Posted by Vee knows this because she was there . Everyone believes Vee is narcoleptic , but she doesn 't actually fall asleep during these episodes : When she passes out , she slides into somebody else 's mind and experiences the world through that person 's eyes . She 's slid into her sister as she cheated on a math test , into a teacher sneaking a drink before class . She learned the worst about a supposed " friend " when she slid into her during a school dance . But nothing could have prepared Vee for what happens one October night when she slides into the mind of someone holding a bloody knife , standing over Sophie 's slashed body . Vee desperately wishes she could share her secret , but who would believe her ? It sounds so crazy that she can 't bring herself to tell her best friend , Rollins , let alone the police . Even if she could confide in Rollins , he has been acting off lately , more distant , especially now that she 's been spending more time with Zane . Imagine sliding into someone else 's body , seeing the world through their eyes . Being afraid to touch any object that could cause the slide . Being so afraid of moving into someone else 's body that you 're terrified to fall asleep . Exhausting and creepy , right ? Now imagine sliding into someone else 's body , and seeing a murder . Everyone thinks the victim committed suicide , but you know the truth , it was murder . But , how do you explain the truth , without looking crazy ? That 's Vee 's story . She slides into the bodies of those around her . And when she witnesses a friend 's murder through the eyes of the murderer , she 's in a race to find out the truth , before the person strikes again . . . even closer to home . I have to start by saying , SLIDE is a truly original story . I haven 't personally come across anything quite like it . The basis of " the slide " was interesting , Vee enters the consciousness of another person , caused by touching a personal item that person . The quiet desperation Vee feels because of this is a major theme in the story . She can 't tell anyone , her dad sent her to a psychiatrist when she opened up to him . She is afraid to touch anything that might trip a slide , causing her to be paranoid and closed off . Vee is also saddled with fear of abandonment . Her mother died when she was very young and her father , a renowned surgeon , has basically left her to care for her younger sister , Mattie . So clearly , Vee is a complicated character . And even if I couldn 't identify with her struggle , author Jill Hathaway plants you so firmly into Vee 's head that you can 't help but be immersed in her story . Rollins is Vee 's best friend , and it quickly becomes obvious ( at least to me ) that he wants more with her . I love the fact that he is not the " typical YA " best guy friend / potential love interest . Rollins is smoking , artistic , tough guy with a hard life . I can 't tell you how much I loved the fact that I never once read about his rippling abs or biceps . I appreciated the fact that the author 's focus was on him as a character and not the body . As for the other guy vying for Vee 's interest , Zane is kind of that stereotypical guy . He 's gorgeous , charming , seemingly perfect . I didn 't get his appeal beyond the superficial . For me , it 's a no - brainer . My favorite part of SLIDE , by a landslide , was the murder mystery . The mystery literally made this book impossible to put down . I thought I knew who the culprit was , then something happened that would change my mind . Then something else would change it again . Then someone else died . And Vee would uncover another hidden truth . The suspense kept building and building , amping up bit by bit until I was flying through the pages . Because I was so desperate to learn the truth , I read SLIDE in just a few hours . I would think , " one more chapter " , but when I hit that point I still couldn 't stop . And I 'll just admit it now , I was wrong . Dead wrong . And that 's the one thing I didn 't really like about SLIDE . Not that I was wrong about the identity , I promise . It 's because the identity didn 't feel authentic to me . I mean , I can sort of see the motivation for the murder . But the logic behind it , the extremes gone to by the culprit , I just felt it was a bit much . And when I think about it , I don 't even see how the murder could have actually been carried out without the person being caught . How did they get in and out of the house without her parents hearing ? Did the girl just lie there and get murdered without making a sound ? I felt let down when I learned the truth . Well , that and a little bit angry , as well . Having said that , I did enjoy SLIDE quite a lot . The plot was gripping and Vee waFavorite Quote : " I can never get used to the feeling of looking through someone else 's eyes . It 's as if each person sees the world in a slightly different hue . The tricky part is figuring out who the person is . It 's like putting together a jigsaw puzzle - what do I see , hear , smell ? Everything is a clue . " ( pg . 4 , ARC )
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SNAP , a multinational celeb TV show and magazine , is the holy grail for Maxie Gwenoch . When she snags the job as managing editor , she 's looking for fame , fortune and Jimmy Choos . What she finds is a media empire owned by Baron Kandesky and his family . A family of vampires . They 're European , urbane , wealthy and mesmerizing . And when she meets Jean - Louis , vampire and co - worker , she 's a goner . The Kandesky vampire family rose in Hungary centuries ago . They gave up violence and killing to make a killing on the world 's commodities markets and with that beginning they built SNAP , an international celebrity multimedia empire . Now cultured . . . and having found food substitutes for killing . . . they 've cornered the world market for celebrity and gossip journalism . Maxie believes she 's found her ultimate career . She doesn 't realize that she 's found a family feud like none other , a centuries - old rivalry between vampire families , with her as the linchpin . Bells ring with Jean - Louis , but she doesn 't realize they 're alarm sirens until she learns that Jean - Louis is second in command of the Kandeskys . . . but by then it 's too late . ~ From GoodReads Set in the world of a twenty - four hour celebrity media empire , SNAP : The World Unfolds Maxie Gwenoch , a much coveted young executive . Maxie thinks she 's in for a typical , yet exciting new job . But she soon learns that there 's more to the job than it seems and her very life is at stake . I 'm going to be honest and say that I didn 't connect with this story . Maybe it was the fact that there 's no backstory on Maxie , no reason to be invested in her or the job . Chapter one begins with her first day at SNAP and thrusts you directly in the action , which is fine , but with the lingo and rapid pace , I felt a bit disoriented . Maxie 's complete trust in those around her , even when she discovers deception , threw me . I think discovering your bosses are vampires and your driver is a demon warrants a major freakout , but that 's just me . I didn 't connect to the secondary characters , either . Maxie 's potential love interest , Jean - Louis , came off cold and stiff , maybe fitting to his nature , but I didn 't get the appeal . Even when the become closer , I didn 't get a sense of true attraction between Maxie and Jean - Louis . I will say , though , that the backstory in regards to the vampires was quite interesting . I 'm always amazed when an author takes such a well - explored genre and creates a little bit of their own history . The centuries - long war between the Kandeskys and the Huszars is full of political and personal intrigue , bloodshed , and betrayal . As I said before , SNAP : The World Unfolds just wasn 't the book for me . The lack of connection or inventestment in the outcome was too big of a leap for me . Favorite Quote : Women have been known to lament , " Always a bridesmaid , never a bride . " For Johnny Smith , the problem is , " Always a Best Man , never a groom . " At age 33 , housepainter Johnny has been Best Man eight times . The ultimate man 's man , Johnny loves the Mets , the Jets , his weekly poker game , and the hula girl lamp that hangs over his basement pool table . Johnny has the instant affection of nearly every man he meets , but one thing he doesn 't have is a woman to share his life with , and he wants that desperately . When Johnny meets District Attorney Helen Troy , he decides to renounce his bro - magnet ways in order to impress her . With the aid and advice of his friends and family , soon he 's transforming his wardrobe , buying throw pillows , ditching the hula girl lamp , getting a cat and even changing his name to the more mature - sounding John . And through it all , he 's pretending to have no interest in sports , which Helen claims to abhor . As things heat up with Helen , the questions arise : Will Johnny finally get the girl ? And , if he 's successful in that pursuit , who will he be now that he 's no longer really himself ? THE BRO - MAGNET is a rollicking comedic novel about what one man is willing to give up for the sake of love . ~ From GoodReads You know the guy , he 's the one that has all the guys ' attention . He 's funny , loves his beer , is into sports , can tell a great story . He 's dressed like a college frat boy , complete with the backwards baseball cap . He 's a real " man 's man " . But the women ? Not so much . From the moment Johnny was born , he 's been a " disappointment to women " . It began when his mother died shortly after his birth , after she discovered he wasn 't the daughter she was hoping for . It continued with his Aunt Alfresca , who always reminded him ( lovingly ? ! ) that he killed her sister . Then there 's Alice , the neighborhood girl who Johnny always secretly adored , who has nothing but disdain for him . Fast forward to age thirty - three , and not much has changed for poor Johnny . He 's been a best man eight times . The only woman in his life is Sam , who also happens to love sports and beer , and would be perfect for him , if she were into men . So when Johnny meets Helen , he is determined to make all the changes necessary to win , and keep , the girl . But will it be worth if he can never be himself ? I have to start this review by saying , THE BRO - MAGNET is laugh - out - loud funny . I was reading this in the car on a roadtrip , and I kept busting out laughing and reciting lines for my husband . Very early on , I realized that the book would make a terrific movie . It could be one of those great comedies , starring someone like Vince Vaughn , that also has a nice bit of heart and a message . The realistic , matter - of - fact narrative written by author Lauren Baratz - Logsted was a like a blast of refreshing air and offered a much needed change of pace for me . To be inside the mind of a man , especially one like Johnny , was a blast . It also gave me a lot to think about , to be honest , in regards to expectations , and trying to change people . The heart of THE BRO - MAGNET is Johnny 's journey to John , his transformation from an overgrown boy to a man . And how far he 's willing to go to get the girl . The advice he gets is often hilarious and sometimes off . I 'm beginning to think , compared to some of the women in the book , that I 'm a bit off . Johnny / John loves sports , casual clothing and Morning Joe . All of to which I say " Yes ! And can I have some more . " . He 's also smart and good looking . Um . . . I 'm not seeing the problem here ! Okay , I have to admit , I 'm one of the most chilled - out wives ever , so my opionion probably doesn 't count . Of course , he could stand to be a bit more charming or attentative , I get that . I just didn 't want him to lose the essential ( read : awesome ) parts of his personality . And finding out just how far he 's willing to go for Helen made me read this book at a blazing pace , exhilarated when the story came full circle . THE BRO - MAGNET is a book that both men and women will love . The men will undoubtedly want to be him , while the women will want to fix him . The story is hysterical , surprisingly charming , and ultimately heart - warming . Fifteen - year - old Isabelle Scott loves her life by the boardwalk on the supposed wrong side of the tracks in North Carolina . But when tragedy strikes , a social worker sends her to live with a long - lost uncle and his preppy privileged family . Isabelle is taken away from everything she 's ever known , and , unfortunately , inserting her into the glamorous lifestyle of Emerald Cove doesn 't go so well . Her cousin Mirabelle Monroe isn 't thrilled to share her life with an outsider , and , in addition to dealing with all the rumors and backstabbing that lurk beneath their classmates ' Southern charm , a secret is unfolding that will change both girls ' lives forever . ~ From GoodReads I think it 's a universal truth that 99 . 9 % of all kids have a fantasy : One day they will be whisked away from their drab , parent - addled life into a world filled with clothes , money , new cars . . . you get the idea . Back when I was a kid , I hoped my " real parents " were a king and queen . These days , I think kids will settle for unlimited texting and a bottomless iTunes account . But not Isabelle " Izzy " Scott . She 's happy with her life on the wrong side of the tracks . She doesn 't even mind the run down home she lives in , or the fact that her only family after her mother 's death is her increasingly forgetful grandmother . She has her friends , including the adorable yet mysterious Brayden , her school , her beach . This life is her 's and she wouldn 't trade it for anything . So when her grandmother , in a lucid state , has her sent to previously unknown family , Izzy 's world is shattered . Who wants the glam life where people treat you like a charity case , act like your a criminal because of your upbringing , or act like you don 't deserve to be there ? Where your perfect new " cousin " is one of the mean girls trying to bring you down ? And what will Izzy do when she finds a face from her old life and learns long - hidden truths about her background ? There was so much that I adored about BELLES . . I love the premise of a girl being offered the good life , and seeing how she responds . Izzy was determined , yet vulnerable . It would be so easy to slip like a warm glove into the new world she 's offered . I mean , who doesn 't want the best money can offer ? But she is determined to remain the same girl she was before . BELLES is also told from Izzy 's new cousin , Mira 's , point of view . The alternating points of view really helped keep me from completely hating Mira . Without knowing what she 's actually feeling , she could have become a heartless , spineless brat . It was nice to see her vulnerabilites , even though I was never on her " side " . There are some nice dramatic bits to the story , usually courtesy of the Mean Girls , lead by the awful Savannah . This girl was a pill , without becoming a caricature . If I could have climbed into the story and throttle her myself , I would have . Thank goodness I never had to face girls like this back in school . I would have been in the principal 's office , or at the police station , on a regular basis . Another dramatic turn comes fairly soon after Izzy moves . In the interest of not spoiling the story , my lips are sealed . But it was a nice surprise I didn 't see coming at all . It upped the " WTF Factor " in Izzy 's world and totally made me love this story so , so much . My only small complaint would be that the BIG revelation came too late in the story . This was something I figured out pretty quickly and waited the entire book for the bomb to drop . I would have liked to have seen more of the fallout , but with book two coming this Fall , I don 't have to wait long to find out what happens next . All in all , I really , really enjoyed this book . Author Jen Calonita 's writing flows flawlessly , making it an easy , fast read . If you 're a fan of Contemporary Young Adult with healthy doses of drama and heart , BELLES should be a great fit . Favorite Quote : Her econ professor gives her an email address for Landon , the class tutor , who shows her that she 's still the same intelligent girl she 's always been . As Jacqueline becomes interested in more from her tutor than a better grade , his teasing responses make the feeling seem mutual . There 's just one problem - their only interactions are through email . Meanwhile , a guy in her econ class proves his worth the first night she meets him . Nothing like her popular ex or her brainy tutor , Lucas sits on the back row , sketching in a notebook and staring at her . At a downtown club , he disappears after several dances that leave her on fire . When he asks if he can sketch her , alone in her room , she agrees - hoping for more . Then Jacqueline discovers a withheld connection between her supportive tutor and her seductive classmate , her ex comes back into the picture , and her stalker escalates his attention by spreading rumors that they 've hooked up . Suddenly appearances are everything , and knowing who to trust is anything but easy . ~ From GoodReads Why I 'm Waiting ~ I 've heard only great things about Tammara Webber 's books . I have her BETWEEN THE LINES series on my tbr - list and hope to read them soon . EASY sounds brilliant . I love Mature YA . So yeah , I think I definitely have enough reasons to read EASY ! Make sure to share the title and the author so other TT participants can add the book to their TBR piles . This week 's Teaser is fromFrom the author of Twenty Boy Summer , a teen pushes the limits to follow her dreams - and learns there 's a fine line between bitter and sweet . . . . Once upon a time , Hudson knew exactly what her future looked like . Then a betrayal changed her life and knocked her dreams to the ground . Now she 's a girl who doesn 't believe in second chances , a girl who stays under the radar by baking cupcakes at her mom 's diner and obsessing over what might have been . So when things start looking up and she has another shot at her dreams , Hudson is equal parts hopeful and terrified . Of course , this is also the moment a cute , sweet guy walks into her life - and starts serving up some seriously mixed signals . She 's got a lot on her plate , and for a girl who 's been burned before , risking it all is easier said than done . It 's time for Hudson to ask herself what she really wants , and how much she 's willing to sacrifice to get it . Because in a place where opportunities are fleeting , she knows this chance may very well be her last . . . . ~ From GoodReads " I close my eyes and throw my head back , big impossible flakes landing on my face and blotting out the sound , and for a moment , everything is still . I 'm trapped in a giant snow globe , bound to the surface of the ice , nothing left to do but wait for someone to upturn and shake the world , set me back on my feet , and watch the sky fall . " ( pg . 280 ) From the author of Twenty Boy Summer , a teen pushes the limits to follow her dreams - and learns there 's a fine line between bitter and sweet . . . . Once upon a time , Hudson knew exactly what her future looked like . Then a betrayal changed her life and knocked her dreams to the ground . Now she 's a girl who doesn 't believe in second chances , a girl who stays under the radar by baking cupcakes at her mom 's diner and obsessing over what might have been . So when things start looking up and she has another shot at her dreams , Hudson is equal parts hopeful and terrified . Of course , this is also the moment a cute , sweet guy walks into her life - and starts serving up some seriously mixed signals . She 's got a lot on her plate , and for a girl who 's been burned before , risking it all is easier said than done . It 's time for Hudson to ask herself what she really wants , and how much she 's willing to sacrifice to get it . Because in a place where opportunities are fleeting , she knows this chance may very well be her last . . . . ~ From GoodReads " I 'm cold and horizontal , helplessly pinned beneath a boy . A cute one . Our skates are all tangled up and our hearts are knocking against each other like they 're ready to take this outside . " ( pg . 31 ) As unspeakable secrets unfold all around Adria , impossible choices become hers to bear . Ultimately , no matter what path she takes , her life and the lives of those she loves will be in peril . As she learns about the werewolf world she also learns why her place in it will change the destinies of many . ~ From GoodReads As a fan of paranormal young adult books , I dove into THE MAYFAIR MOON with great expectations . On the whole , I wasn 't overwhelmed by the story , but I did like it . THE MAYFAIR MOON is the story of Adria , a teenage girl living in Georgia with her beloved sister , Alex , her co - dependant mother and abusive step - father . After the two girls are attacked by what seems to be a werewolf , which is mistakenly attributed to their step - father , they are sent to live with an aunt and uncle in Maine . Alex is changed by the attack . She is sullen , distant , angry and eventually runs away from home , joining what appears to be a cult . Adria , desperate to find and save his sister , is befriended by a group , a mysterious family , the Mayfairs . Adria is immediately attracted to Isaac Mayfair , son of their leader . Being pulled in two directions by two warring packs , between her sister 's group and the Mayfairs , Adria must decide between her sister and her heart . So as I said , I did like THE MAYFAIR MOON . I found the author 's writing to be precise and easy to follow . This is a book that I was able to read extremely quickly , despite the length . The writing is very descriptive , setting - wise , but never felt bogged down with details . I also liked her take on werewolves . It wasn 't just bites and full moons . There was a lot more going on than what I normally see . The werewolf world was full of centuries long vendettas , blood bonds , and political conflict . These variations added just enough to the story to make me feel as if I were reading something completely new . But there were also a few things about THE MAYFAIR MOON that made it less than great , for me . For starters , the story moves fairly slowly . Once the girls move to Maine , there isn 't a lot going on . I think that can be explained by the fact that there is a lot of world - building , or explanations that take place . Once the different people and backgrounds are in place , the plot does pick back up . And I would expect the next book in the series to maintain that pace now that the background has been established . I was also thrown by the connection between Adria and Isaac . It felt rushed to me . They meet , and there 's an immediate connection . Then , they are around each other a few times , but nothing that screamed " True Love " to me . Then Adria finds Isaac with another girl , runs out of the house and refuses to speak to him . She 's embarrassed , I understand . But I don 't get the level of hurt and how she feels he owes her an explanation . When he does explain , and she accepts , then he tells her the other girls who live in the Mayfair house are jealous because of their connection . Which reminds me , the Mayfair house . . . it seems sort of like a harem . I understand why the people are there , but I felt sort of gross with the way the girls are always all over Isaac . But they are werewolves , so I guess it 's explained by the animal attraction theory . Overall , I would say that THE MAYFAIR MOON is a book that I didn 't love , but I did like a quite a bit . With a dark , brooding atmosphere and a paranormal mystery THE MAYFAIR MOON is a book that will appeal to fans of paranormal young adult books . Favorite Quote : I saw Isaac 's expression out of the corner of my eye ; it shrank into something less solid and more humiliated . I laughed . Inside , of course . ' He even has his own cologne , ' said Nathan . ' It 's called . . . Dark Allure or some cheesy thing like that . ' ( pg . 127 ) The one bright spot in Riley 's world is Ian 's descendent , Kade MacKinnon , who could easily be Ian 's modern day twin . The parallels between the two guys are undeniable . As Riley 's relationship with Kade blossoms , she begins to realize Laria has grown in her power since their last confrontation - a power that could very well manipulate the living just as effectively as the dead . Please note : THE HAUNTED is a mature YA . Due to strong language , mention of alcohol and drug use , cutting , and sexual content , it is not recommended for younger teens . ~ From GoodReads THE HAUNTED takes off immediately where book one in the MacKinnon Curse series , THE DEEPEST CUT left off . Thank goodness because I didn 't want to miss one single second of what happened after Riley got her first glimpse of Kade , who looks exactly like his ancestor , Ian , a former ghost . And I have to stop right here and say , I miss Ian so , so much ! I mean , I was a little hesitant to read this book because I was afraid that no one could compare to Ian with his flowing white shirt and his charming demeanor . But as it turns out , the MacKinnons have some strong DNA sequences because his descendant Kade , well , he is quite the Scottish charmer too . Then there 's Laria , the evil ghost who is out to get Riley for interfering with Ian . She 's back , and she 's taking the evil to a whole new level . So now it 's up to Riley to save herself , those she loves , begin a new relationship , and manage to avoid regressing into her cutting habit . Easy peasy , right ? In real life , I 'm kind of a chicken , so there are very few " ghost stories " that appeal to me . I think what makes this series work so well for me is that it 's not only a ghost story . Riley is haunted , but she is also a normal teenage girl , in many ways . She is still dealing with her mother 's death , her father 's absences , and a brother she worries about . She still misses her friend , Ian , who she did have strong feelings for , but still let go . She is a former " cutter " who fights the urge to begin again every day . She is a girl who is falling for an impossibly cute , sweet guy who happens to be a dead ringer for her former love . The fact that THE HAUNTED deals with these issues makes the book appealing to even those who might not consider reading a ghost story . On the other hand , THE HAUNTED is super creepy . Laria has taken the proverbial gloves off and is gunning for Riley , and she doesn 't care who or what she has to go through to get to her . She is willing to possess and try to destroy Riley 's friends and family . She is making herself known to those around her . There were honestly a few times I got goosebumps while reading this book . But it was written in a manner that didn 't terrify me in a bad way , if that makes any sense . I guess I was a chilled but not paralyzed with fear . I have to give author J . A . Templeton major credit for the choices she ( or her characters ) makes in her writing . To make Riley a cutter couldn 't have been easy . It 's a compulsion that isn 't well understood by a lot of people and has been a controversial topic at times . She made me , through Riley , understand why someone would choose to do it , and even though a person may stop the act , the urge doesn 't just go away . She also allows her characters to be flawed , less than perfect . Some of them drink , some smoke pot , they curse a bit , they have s - e - x . And sometimes their actions have consequences . It 's not written in a glamorizing fashion . They 're real , pure and simple . While reading THE HAUNTED , I felt the same as I did while reading THE DEEPEST CU ( One sweet , one scary ! ) " He closed the door behind him . He reached up , his hand easing into my hair , his thumb brushing over my lower lip . ' I can 't stop thinking about you . ' " ( ebook , 46 % ) Shane was levitating a few feet off the bed - his body stick straight , his shaggy hair falling away from him . ' Shane , ' I said , taking a step closer . Without looking away from my brother , I felt for the light switch and turned it on . The bulb flashed and went out . " ( ebook , 49 % ) Becoming immortal wasn 't supposed to be the easy part . Though Kate is about to be crowned Queen of the Underworld , she 's as isolated as ever . And despite her growing love for Henry , ruler of the Underworld , he 's becoming ever more distant and secretive . Then , in the midst of Kate 's coronation , Henry is abducted by the only being powerful enough to kill him : the King of the Titans . Book two in the Goddess Test series , GODDESS INTERRUPTED begins six months after THE GODDESS TEST . Kate is returning to the Underworld after spending her first summer away from Henry in Greece , with James . Kate is hoping for a loving welcome from her reserved husband , and happy start to her new life as Queen of the Underworld . But an old threat has returned , and Henry is in danger . Kate must navigate the Underworld to find the one soul who can help her save her husband and the other gods , her sister , Persephone . And she also happens to be Henry 's former wife . But even if Kate can save Henry , will she be able to save their marriage ? [ Sidenote : Can I just say it 's kind of weird to have a YA novel with a married heroine ? There 's nothing wrong with it , actually , just a thought I wanted to throw out there . Now that I 've said my random bit , I 'll get to my thoughts . ] - The overall story . Greek Mythology was my favorite area of study in Literature . I have read The Iliad and The Odyssey many times , for fun . Author Aimee ' Carter took timeless " characters " and has given them an updated , lively spin . I love how Carter assigned new names , but identifiable traits for the gods and goddesses . - I also liked the slow - building relationship between Kate and Henry . Henry is extremely mired by the pain of losing Persephone to a mortal . He has deemed himself unlovable and is slow to trust , even his wife . It would have been easier for the author to make Henry into a happy , loving person once he met Kate , but it would have also made getting to know him less interesting , because emotionally damaged boys ( even those who can smite you ) are usually the ones who steal your heart . - Aimee ' Carter is an excellent author . Her words flow in an easy manner that makes reading her books a pleasure . The dialogue is never stilted . Her words never sound awkward or ill - placed while reading . - Okay , so I know I said before that I liked the relationship between Henry and Kate , and I do . What I don 't like , however , is Kate spending the entire book wringing her hands over Henry 's feelings for Persephone and the fact he 'll never love her as much as his first wife . I do get that Kate is still a teenager , newly married , and dealing with a load of emotional baggage . But enough . I don 't want to literally spend every page listening to it . - My least favorite part of the story was some of the events that take place in GODDESS INTERRUPTED . And what makes this tough is that I can 't defend that position without spoiling parts of the book , particularly the last few chapters . Kate has a real talent for throwing herself into unnecessary positions . But what really got me was the last few pages . It felt rushed , forced , and didn 't wholly make sense . All in all , GODDESS INTERRUPTED is a book that I didn 't love , but I liked it well enough . I felt a bit disappointed because it felt like the story didn 't advance , but actually regressed , in regards to Henry and Kate 's relationship , until the very end of the book . I didn 't love the ending , but it does provide a great setup for book three in the series , THE GODDESS INHERITANCE . " I 'm not leaving you for him . I 'm not leavig you for anybody , and I never would have gone looking for something better . You are my something better , and I wish - I wish I was yours , too . " ( ARC , 79 % ) " If I were a better man , I would be able to show you the love and affection you deserve . As I am not , I can only offer you what I am capable of giving . But I assure you , just because I do not show it doesn 't mean I do not feel it . " ( ARC , 93 % ) Amy is fine living in the shadows of beautiful Lila and uber - cool Cassie , because at least she 's somewhat beautiful and uber - cool by association . But when their dates stand them up for prom , and the girls take matters into their own hands - earning them a night in jail outfitted in satin , stilettos , and Spanx - Amy discovers even a prom spent in handcuffs might be better than the humiliating " rehabilitation techniques " now filling up her summer . Worse , with Lila and Cassie parentally banned , Amy feels like she has nothing - like she is nothing . Why I 'm Waiting ~ It 's Contemporary YA . Amy seems like a girl most of us can identify with . And , oh yeah , Prom sucks . At least mine did . But seriously , PRETTY AMY seems awesome . Lucky me , I have an ARC coming my way soon ! Becoming immortal wasn 't supposed to be the easy part . Though Kate is about to be crowned Queen of the Underworld , she 's as isolated as ever . And despite her growing love for Henry , ruler of the Underworld , he 's becoming ever more distant and secretive . Then , in the midst of Kate 's coronation , Henry is abducted by the only being powerful enough to kill him : the King of the Titans . Y ' all know I love Abbi Glines , right ? And if you read my review of BECAUSE OF LOW , you know I had major love for bad boy Cage York . So you know that I am beyond excited to take part in the cover reveal for the next book in the SEA BREEZE series , WHILE IT LASTS . Maybe driving home after a few ( or more ) shots of tequila had been a bad idea , but hell , he did it all the time . The cops had to have been freaking bored to have pulled him over . He wasn 't even swerving ! That 's Cage York 's story and he 's sticking to it . Unfortunately , his baseball coach isn 't buying it . Cage has a free ride to the local junior college for baseball - - or he did , until he 'd gotten a DUI . Now , Cage has to decide : does he drop out and give up his dream of getting noticed by a college in the SEC , and possibly making it into the Major Leagues - - or does he give in to his coach 's demands and spend his summer bailing hay ? Eva Brooks had planned out her life step by step when she was eight years old . Not once over the years had she lost sight of her goals . Josh Beasley , her next door neighbor , had been the center of those goals . He 'd been her first boyfriend at seven , her first kiss at ten , her first date at fifteen , and her first tragedy at eighteen . The moment she 'd received the phone call from Josh 's mother saying he 'd been killed along with four other soldiers just north of Baghdad , Eva 's carefully planned life imploded in the worst way possible . Cage isn 't real happy with his closet - sized bedroom in the back of a foul smelling barn , or his daily interactions with cows , but he knows that if he doesn 't make his coach happy then he can kiss his scholarship goodbye . Only a sick and twisted man would decide his punishment was to be working on a farm all summer . No hot babes in bikinis waiting to meet a Southern boy to make her vacation complete . Just him and the damned cows . Awesome , right ? What I wouldn 't give to be that bale of hay . ( Yep , I said it . ) Be sure to add WHILE IT LASTS to your GoodReads tbr - list . Posted by Today , I have a truly lovely guest post from Lucy Swing , author of FEATHERMORE . The post is followed by details of the fabulous blog tour giveaway hosted by Lucy . And now . . . author Lucy Swing . Enjoy . WHY I WRITE YA As an avid reader , I will pretty much read any genre at all . When I started reading as a child I was obsessed with R . L . Stine . My parents had a clothing store at the mall and I would spend hours at the bookstore reading Goosebumps . Whenever I came across any kind of money at all , it would go toward a book . When I started growing up , and although I kept reading Stine 's books , my taste became a little bit broader . Now , whenever I had money I spent it on clothes or going out with my friends , and that is why I began reading my Mom 's books . She , like I , has to go to sleep with a book in hand . And so there were plenty for me to choose from , however her genre was a little different that mine , she loved romance novels . Think Nora Roberts and Danielle Steele . And so I daydreamed of handsome and romantic men that would come to sweep me off the floor , the romantic in me was born . I went on , for years reading anything my mom purchased . The DaVinci code drove me wild ! But it wasn 't until I was told about Twilight that I became a DIE HARD reader . I was working at the hospital at the time . I had taken a very lunch break and so I was completely alone in our break room . On the table was a paperback of Twilight . The TV wasn 't working and so I picked it up , after all , I had half an hour to kill . OH MY GOD , the half an hour disappeared . I don 't know how it is possible , but time fast forwarded ! I had gotten so into the story that by the time I came up for air it had been an hour ! I was so busted . Reluctantly I put it down and headed back to work . I couldn 't concentrate , I had Meyer 's story engraved in my mind . 7pm came around and I bolted to my car . I didn 't go home , I told my Mom I would pick up the kids a little bit later and drove like a maniac to the bookstore . By then , the first three were already out , so I bought them all . It might have taken me a week before I had read them all . I was ADDICTED . Since then I have read all four about 10 times each , and every time , it 's like the very first . It was because of the Twilight saga that I decided to become a writer . I wanted readers to feel the way Meyers had made me feel . To become the character and have a break from our everyday lives . I wanted to create an escape that readers would want to escape to . And so my genre of choice was easy , Young Adult . It is the genre I like reading most . How many of you were told by a parent , aunt , grandmother how we would one day miss our teenage years ? How we would one day want to turn back time and be in high school again ? Everything my Mom has ever said to me and was brushed off as " Yeah , right . Whatever " has come true . And so , what better way to re - live those days than by creating my own ? The Young Adult genre is not just for teenagers , it is for everybody that misses those days and wants to , even if for a few hours a day , go back and reminisce . YA is also for the teenagers dealing with the realistic issues sometimes mingled in the stories , in the case of Feathermore , bullying . I was bullied when I was younger and I completely stand against it . It breaks people and scars them for life in one way or another . For adults , as I said before , YA is a getaway to times already passed . Jade , like any other student at Brushwood High , awaits the start of the school year with a certain measure of dread . Worse , she is being threatened by a voice that only she can hear - a voice that lurks at the edges of her awareness , haunting her and warning her of something unknown . She has always been able to count on her two best friends , Claire and Nate , but can she confide in them now ? About this ? Would they even believe her ? But Jade soon comes to realize that good things don 't last forever . When everything spirals out of control , she is shattered by something she never saw coming . Dazed and despairing , she must now overcome tragedy and embrace her true existence and a new but dangerous love . Will she be able to save herself and those she loves , before it 's too late ? Or will she let the surrounding darkness consume her ? " During a FridayReads Twitter Book Tour , one of the reviewers from the book blog Insatiable Booksluts tweeted that my novel The Earthquake Machine is like " Huck Finn with vibrators . " I love that tweet because it really captures the adventurous , girl - powered spirit of The Earthquake Machine . Instead of Huck Finn running away and teaming up with a runaway slave , in The Earthquake Machine a girl named Rhonda runs away to Mexico to find her family 's yardman Jésus , who has been deported . And instead of the Misssissippi River , the Rio Grande River runs through my novel . And of course instead of Huck Finn pretending to be a girl , my protagonist Rhonda changes her appearance so she can " pass " as a Mexican boy named Angel and travel safely deep into interior Mexico . I wanted The Earthquake Machine to be a bold and daring coming - of - age tale for every woman or grrrl who ever longed to shake off the limitations imposed by her gender and take a wild journey . The Earthquake Machine The Earthquake Machine tells the story of 14 year - old Rhonda . On the outside , everything looks perfect in Rhonda 's world , but at home Rhonda has to deal with a manipulative father who keeps her mentally ill mother hooked on pharmaceuticals . The only reliable person in Rhonda 's life is her family 's Mexican yardman , Jesús . But when the INS deports Jesús back to his home state of Oaxaca , Rhonda is left alone with her increasingly painful family situation . Determined to find her friend Jésus , Rhonda seizes an opportunity to run away during a camping trip with friends to Big Bend National Park . She swims to the Mexican side of the Rio Grande and makes her way to the border town of Milagros , Mexico . There a peyote - addled bartender convinces her she won 't be safe traveling alone into the country 's interior . So with the bartender 's help , Rhonda cuts her hair and assumes the identity of a Mexican boy named Angel . She then sets off on a burro across the desert to look for Jesús . Thus begins a wild adventure that fulfills the longing of readers eager for a brave and brazen female protagonist . Mary Pauline Lowry has worked as a forest firefighter , screenwriter , open water lifeguard , construction worker , and advocate in the movement to end violence against women . Due to no fault of her sweet parents , at 15 she ran away from home and made it all the way to Matamoros , Mexico . She believes girls should make art , have adventures , and read books that show them the way . Posted by I am so excited to be taking be in this cover reveal WINGS OF ARIAN by Devri Walls . Devri is a total sweetie and I am happy to see her book coming together so beautifully . I have to say , when I opened the file that contained the cover art , my jaw dropped . This cover is SO GORGEOUS and was designed by the talented Claudia at Phatpuppy Art . Kiora thought she had never heard a lie until she was sixteen . But she was wrong . Her entire existence was based on nothing but . She thought that evil did not exist . Lie . That magic was not real . Lie . And that the land of Meros was all there was . One more lie . However , this journey was never meant to be hers alone . She will be accompanied by a Protector . To her disbelief , and utter irritation they name the hotheaded , stubborn , non - magical , ( albeit gorgeous ) Prince Emane . They will have to trust each other with their lives , but right now Kiora would settle for a non hostile conversation . And now it comes down to this , If you had never heard a lie , would you know when you heard one ? Is knowing good from evil innate ? Kiora finds herself having to decide who lives and who dies on those very questions . Devri Walls lives in Kuna Idaho with her husband and two kids . She has worked as amusic teacher and currently , a preschool teacher . She majored in theater and her loveof a story still drives her today . Thankfully , she has finally found an outlet for all thevoices in her head . Her first novel , Wings of Arian , will be released on Amazon May of2012 . Find her on Twitter , Facebook or on her blog ; www . writingmyfuture . comComing Soon : Tour invites for Wings of Arian are being divided up and situated . . . oh yes , an INVITE ONLY tour ! Be checking your inbox ! Posted by Vee knows this because she was there . Everyone believes Vee is narcoleptic , but she doesn 't actually fall asleep during these episodes : When she passes out , she slides into somebody else 's mind and experiences the world through that person 's eyes . She 's slid into her sister as she cheated on a math test , into a teacher sneaking a drink before class . She learned the worst about a supposed " friend " when she slid into her during a school dance . But nothing could have prepared Vee for what happens one October night when she slides into the mind of someone holding a bloody knife , standing over Sophie 's slashed body . Vee desperately wishes she could share her secret , but who would believe her ? It sounds so crazy that she can 't bring herself to tell her best friend , Rollins , let alone the police . Even if she could confide in Rollins , he has been acting off lately , more distant , especially now that she 's been spending more time with Zane . Imagine sliding into someone else 's body , seeing the world through their eyes . Being afraid to touch any object that could cause the slide . Being so afraid of moving into someone else 's body that you 're terrified to fall asleep . Exhausting and creepy , right ? Now imagine sliding into someone else 's body , and seeing a murder . Everyone thinks the victim committed suicide , but you know the truth , it was murder . But , how do you explain the truth , without looking crazy ? That 's Vee 's story . She slides into the bodies of those around her . And when she witnesses a friend 's murder through the eyes of the murderer , she 's in a race to find out the truth , before the person strikes again . . . even closer to home . I have to start by saying , SLIDE is a truly original story . I haven 't personally come across anything quite like it . The basis of " the slide " was interesting , Vee enters the consciousness of another person , caused by touching a personal item that person . The quiet desperation Vee feels because of this is a major theme in the story . She can 't tell anyone , her dad sent her to a psychiatrist when she opened up to him . She is afraid to touch anything that might trip a slide , causing her to be paranoid and closed off . Vee is also saddled with fear of abandonment . Her mother died when she was very young and her father , a renowned surgeon , has basically left her to care for her younger sister , Mattie . So clearly , Vee is a complicated character . And even if I couldn 't identify with her struggle , author Jill Hathaway plants you so firmly into Vee 's head that you can 't help but be immersed in her story . Rollins is Vee 's best friend , and it quickly becomes obvious ( at least to me ) that he wants more with her . I love the fact that he is not the " typical YA " best guy friend / potential love interest . Rollins is smoking , artistic , tough guy with a hard life . I can 't tell you how much I loved the fact that I never once read about his rippling abs or biceps . I appreciated the fact that the author 's focus was on him as a character and not the body . As for the other guy vying for Vee 's interest , Zane is kind of that stereotypical guy . He 's gorgeous , charming , seemingly perfect . I didn 't get his appeal beyond the superficial . For me , it 's a no - brainer . My favorite part of SLIDE , by a landslide , was the murder mystery . The mystery literally made this book impossible to put down . I thought I knew who the culprit was , then something happened that would change my mind . Then something else would change it again . Then someone else died . And Vee would uncover another hidden truth . The suspense kept building and building , amping up bit by bit until I was flying through the pages . Because I was so desperate to learn the truth , I read SLIDE in just a few hours . I would think , " one more chapter " , but when I hit that point I still couldn 't stop . And I 'll just admit it now , I was wrong . Dead wrong . And that 's the one thing I didn 't really like about SLIDE . Not that I was wrong about the identity , I promise . It 's because the identity didn 't feel authentic to me . I mean , I can sort of see the motivation for the murder . But the logic behind it , the extremes gone to by the culprit , I just felt it was a bit much . And when I think about it , I don 't even see how the murder could have actually been carried out without the person being caught . How did they get in and out of the house without her parents hearing ? Did the girl just lie there and get murdered without making a sound ? I felt let down when I learned the truth . Well , that and a little bit angry , as well . Having said that , I did enjoy SLIDE quite a lot . The plot was gripping and Vee waFavorite Quote : " I can never get used to the feeling of looking through someone else 's eyes . It 's as if each person sees the world in a slightly different hue . The tricky part is figuring out who the person is . It 's like putting together a jigsaw puzzle - what do I see , hear , smell ? Everything is a clue . " ( pg . 4 , ARC )
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SNAP , a multinational celeb TV show and magazine , is the holy grail for Maxie Gwenoch . When she snags the job as managing editor , she 's looking for fame , fortune and Jimmy Choos . What she finds is a media empire owned by Baron Kandesky and his family . A family of vampires . They 're European , urbane , wealthy and mesmerizing . And when she meets Jean - Louis , vampire and co - worker , she 's a goner . The Kandesky vampire family rose in Hungary centuries ago . They gave up violence and killing to make a killing on the world 's commodities markets and with that beginning they built SNAP , an international celebrity multimedia empire . Now cultured . . . and having found food substitutes for killing . . . they 've cornered the world market for celebrity and gossip journalism . Maxie believes she 's found her ultimate career . She doesn 't realize that she 's found a family feud like none other , a centuries - old rivalry between vampire families , with her as the linchpin . Bells ring with Jean - Louis , but she doesn 't realize they 're alarm sirens until she learns that Jean - Louis is second in command of the Kandeskys . . . but by then it 's too late . ~ From GoodReads Set in the world of a twenty - four hour celebrity media empire , SNAP : The World Unfolds Maxie Gwenoch , a much coveted young executive . Maxie thinks she 's in for a typical , yet exciting new job . But she soon learns that there 's more to the job than it seems and her very life is at stake . I 'm going to be honest and say that I didn 't connect with this story . Maybe it was the fact that there 's no backstory on Maxie , no reason to be invested in her or the job . Chapter one begins with her first day at SNAP and thrusts you directly in the action , which is fine , but with the lingo and rapid pace , I felt a bit disoriented . Maxie 's complete trust in those around her , even when she discovers deception , threw me . I think discovering your bosses are vampires and your driver is a demon warrants a major freakout , but that 's just me . I didn 't connect to the secondary characters , either . Maxie 's potential love interest , Jean - Louis , came off cold and stiff , maybe fitting to his nature , but I didn 't get the appeal . Even when the become closer , I didn 't get a sense of true attraction between Maxie and Jean - Louis . I will say , though , that the backstory in regards to the vampires was quite interesting . I 'm always amazed when an author takes such a well - explored genre and creates a little bit of their own history . The centuries - long war between the Kandeskys and the Huszars is full of political and personal intrigue , bloodshed , and betrayal . As I said before , SNAP : The World Unfolds just wasn 't the book for me . The lack of connection or inventestment in the outcome was too big of a leap for me . Favorite Quote : Women have been known to lament , " Always a bridesmaid , never a bride . " For Johnny Smith , the problem is , " Always a Best Man , never a groom . " At age 33 , housepainter Johnny has been Best Man eight times . The ultimate man 's man , Johnny loves the Mets , the Jets , his weekly poker game , and the hula girl lamp that hangs over his basement pool table . Johnny has the instant affection of nearly every man he meets , but one thing he doesn 't have is a woman to share his life with , and he wants that desperately . When Johnny meets District Attorney Helen Troy , he decides to renounce his bro - magnet ways in order to impress her . With the aid and advice of his friends and family , soon he 's transforming his wardrobe , buying throw pillows , ditching the hula girl lamp , getting a cat and even changing his name to the more mature - sounding John . And through it all , he 's pretending to have no interest in sports , which Helen claims to abhor . As things heat up with Helen , the questions arise : Will Johnny finally get the girl ? And , if he 's successful in that pursuit , who will he be now that he 's no longer really himself ? THE BRO - MAGNET is a rollicking comedic novel about what one man is willing to give up for the sake of love . ~ From GoodReads You know the guy , he 's the one that has all the guys ' attention . He 's funny , loves his beer , is into sports , can tell a great story . He 's dressed like a college frat boy , complete with the backwards baseball cap . He 's a real " man 's man " . But the women ? Not so much . From the moment Johnny was born , he 's been a " disappointment to women " . It began when his mother died shortly after his birth , after she discovered he wasn 't the daughter she was hoping for . It continued with his Aunt Alfresca , who always reminded him ( lovingly ? ! ) that he killed her sister . Then there 's Alice , the neighborhood girl who Johnny always secretly adored , who has nothing but disdain for him . Fast forward to age thirty - three , and not much has changed for poor Johnny . He 's been a best man eight times . The only woman in his life is Sam , who also happens to love sports and beer , and would be perfect for him , if she were into men . So when Johnny meets Helen , he is determined to make all the changes necessary to win , and keep , the girl . But will it be worth if he can never be himself ? I have to start this review by saying , THE BRO - MAGNET is laugh - out - loud funny . I was reading this in the car on a roadtrip , and I kept busting out laughing and reciting lines for my husband . Very early on , I realized that the book would make a terrific movie . It could be one of those great comedies , starring someone like Vince Vaughn , that also has a nice bit of heart and a message . The realistic , matter - of - fact narrative written by author Lauren Baratz - Logsted was a like a blast of refreshing air and offered a much needed change of pace for me . To be inside the mind of a man , especially one like Johnny , was a blast . It also gave me a lot to think about , to be honest , in regards to expectations , and trying to change people . The heart of THE BRO - MAGNET is Johnny 's journey to John , his transformation from an overgrown boy to a man . And how far he 's willing to go to get the girl . The advice he gets is often hilarious and sometimes off . I 'm beginning to think , compared to some of the women in the book , that I 'm a bit off . Johnny / John loves sports , casual clothing and Morning Joe . All of to which I say " Yes ! And can I have some more . " . He 's also smart and good looking . Um . . . I 'm not seeing the problem here ! Okay , I have to admit , I 'm one of the most chilled - out wives ever , so my opionion probably doesn 't count . Of course , he could stand to be a bit more charming or attentative , I get that . I just didn 't want him to lose the essential ( read : awesome ) parts of his personality . And finding out just how far he 's willing to go for Helen made me read this book at a blazing pace , exhilarated when the story came full circle . THE BRO - MAGNET is a book that both men and women will love . The men will undoubtedly want to be him , while the women will want to fix him . The story is hysterical , surprisingly charming , and ultimately heart - warming . Fifteen - year - old Isabelle Scott loves her life by the boardwalk on the supposed wrong side of the tracks in North Carolina . But when tragedy strikes , a social worker sends her to live with a long - lost uncle and his preppy privileged family . Isabelle is taken away from everything she 's ever known , and , unfortunately , inserting her into the glamorous lifestyle of Emerald Cove doesn 't go so well . Her cousin Mirabelle Monroe isn 't thrilled to share her life with an outsider , and , in addition to dealing with all the rumors and backstabbing that lurk beneath their classmates ' Southern charm , a secret is unfolding that will change both girls ' lives forever . ~ From GoodReads I think it 's a universal truth that 99 . 9 % of all kids have a fantasy : One day they will be whisked away from their drab , parent - addled life into a world filled with clothes , money , new cars . . . you get the idea . Back when I was a kid , I hoped my " real parents " were a king and queen . These days , I think kids will settle for unlimited texting and a bottomless iTunes account . But not Isabelle " Izzy " Scott . She 's happy with her life on the wrong side of the tracks . She doesn 't even mind the run down home she lives in , or the fact that her only family after her mother 's death is her increasingly forgetful grandmother . She has her friends , including the adorable yet mysterious Brayden , her school , her beach . This life is her 's and she wouldn 't trade it for anything . So when her grandmother , in a lucid state , has her sent to previously unknown family , Izzy 's world is shattered . Who wants the glam life where people treat you like a charity case , act like your a criminal because of your upbringing , or act like you don 't deserve to be there ? Where your perfect new " cousin " is one of the mean girls trying to bring you down ? And what will Izzy do when she finds a face from her old life and learns long - hidden truths about her background ? There was so much that I adored about BELLES . . I love the premise of a girl being offered the good life , and seeing how she responds . Izzy was determined , yet vulnerable . It would be so easy to slip like a warm glove into the new world she 's offered . I mean , who doesn 't want the best money can offer ? But she is determined to remain the same girl she was before . BELLES is also told from Izzy 's new cousin , Mira 's , point of view . The alternating points of view really helped keep me from completely hating Mira . Without knowing what she 's actually feeling , she could have become a heartless , spineless brat . It was nice to see her vulnerabilites , even though I was never on her " side " . There are some nice dramatic bits to the story , usually courtesy of the Mean Girls , lead by the awful Savannah . This girl was a pill , without becoming a caricature . If I could have climbed into the story and throttle her myself , I would have . Thank goodness I never had to face girls like this back in school . I would have been in the principal 's office , or at the police station , on a regular basis . Another dramatic turn comes fairly soon after Izzy moves . In the interest of not spoiling the story , my lips are sealed . But it was a nice surprise I didn 't see coming at all . It upped the " WTF Factor " in Izzy 's world and totally made me love this story so , so much . My only small complaint would be that the BIG revelation came too late in the story . This was something I figured out pretty quickly and waited the entire book for the bomb to drop . I would have liked to have seen more of the fallout , but with book two coming this Fall , I don 't have to wait long to find out what happens next . All in all , I really , really enjoyed this book . Author Jen Calonita 's writing flows flawlessly , making it an easy , fast read . If you 're a fan of Contemporary Young Adult with healthy doses of drama and heart , BELLES should be a great fit . Favorite Quote : Her econ professor gives her an email address for Landon , the class tutor , who shows her that she 's still the same intelligent girl she 's always been . As Jacqueline becomes interested in more from her tutor than a better grade , his teasing responses make the feeling seem mutual . There 's just one problem - their only interactions are through email . Meanwhile , a guy in her econ class proves his worth the first night she meets him . Nothing like her popular ex or her brainy tutor , Lucas sits on the back row , sketching in a notebook and staring at her . At a downtown club , he disappears after several dances that leave her on fire . When he asks if he can sketch her , alone in her room , she agrees - hoping for more . Then Jacqueline discovers a withheld connection between her supportive tutor and her seductive classmate , her ex comes back into the picture , and her stalker escalates his attention by spreading rumors that they 've hooked up . Suddenly appearances are everything , and knowing who to trust is anything but easy . ~ From GoodReads Why I 'm Waiting ~ I 've heard only great things about Tammara Webber 's books . I have her BETWEEN THE LINES series on my tbr - list and hope to read them soon . EASY sounds brilliant . I love Mature YA . So yeah , I think I definitely have enough reasons to read EASY ! Make sure to share the title and the author so other TT participants can add the book to their TBR piles . This week 's Teaser is fromFrom the author of Twenty Boy Summer , a teen pushes the limits to follow her dreams - and learns there 's a fine line between bitter and sweet . . . . Once upon a time , Hudson knew exactly what her future looked like . Then a betrayal changed her life and knocked her dreams to the ground . Now she 's a girl who doesn 't believe in second chances , a girl who stays under the radar by baking cupcakes at her mom 's diner and obsessing over what might have been . So when things start looking up and she has another shot at her dreams , Hudson is equal parts hopeful and terrified . Of course , this is also the moment a cute , sweet guy walks into her life - and starts serving up some seriously mixed signals . She 's got a lot on her plate , and for a girl who 's been burned before , risking it all is easier said than done . It 's time for Hudson to ask herself what she really wants , and how much she 's willing to sacrifice to get it . Because in a place where opportunities are fleeting , she knows this chance may very well be her last . . . . ~ From GoodReads " I close my eyes and throw my head back , big impossible flakes landing on my face and blotting out the sound , and for a moment , everything is still . I 'm trapped in a giant snow globe , bound to the surface of the ice , nothing left to do but wait for someone to upturn and shake the world , set me back on my feet , and watch the sky fall . " ( pg . 280 ) From the author of Twenty Boy Summer , a teen pushes the limits to follow her dreams - and learns there 's a fine line between bitter and sweet . . . . Once upon a time , Hudson knew exactly what her future looked like . Then a betrayal changed her life and knocked her dreams to the ground . Now she 's a girl who doesn 't believe in second chances , a girl who stays under the radar by baking cupcakes at her mom 's diner and obsessing over what might have been . So when things start looking up and she has another shot at her dreams , Hudson is equal parts hopeful and terrified . Of course , this is also the moment a cute , sweet guy walks into her life - and starts serving up some seriously mixed signals . She 's got a lot on her plate , and for a girl who 's been burned before , risking it all is easier said than done . It 's time for Hudson to ask herself what she really wants , and how much she 's willing to sacrifice to get it . Because in a place where opportunities are fleeting , she knows this chance may very well be her last . . . . ~ From GoodReads " I 'm cold and horizontal , helplessly pinned beneath a boy . A cute one . Our skates are all tangled up and our hearts are knocking against each other like they 're ready to take this outside . " ( pg . 31 ) As unspeakable secrets unfold all around Adria , impossible choices become hers to bear . Ultimately , no matter what path she takes , her life and the lives of those she loves will be in peril . As she learns about the werewolf world she also learns why her place in it will change the destinies of many . ~ From GoodReads As a fan of paranormal young adult books , I dove into THE MAYFAIR MOON with great expectations . On the whole , I wasn 't overwhelmed by the story , but I did like it . THE MAYFAIR MOON is the story of Adria , a teenage girl living in Georgia with her beloved sister , Alex , her co - dependant mother and abusive step - father . After the two girls are attacked by what seems to be a werewolf , which is mistakenly attributed to their step - father , they are sent to live with an aunt and uncle in Maine . Alex is changed by the attack . She is sullen , distant , angry and eventually runs away from home , joining what appears to be a cult . Adria , desperate to find and save his sister , is befriended by a group , a mysterious family , the Mayfairs . Adria is immediately attracted to Isaac Mayfair , son of their leader . Being pulled in two directions by two warring packs , between her sister 's group and the Mayfairs , Adria must decide between her sister and her heart . So as I said , I did like THE MAYFAIR MOON . I found the author 's writing to be precise and easy to follow . This is a book that I was able to read extremely quickly , despite the length . The writing is very descriptive , setting - wise , but never felt bogged down with details . I also liked her take on werewolves . It wasn 't just bites and full moons . There was a lot more going on than what I normally see . The werewolf world was full of centuries long vendettas , blood bonds , and political conflict . These variations added just enough to the story to make me feel as if I were reading something completely new . But there were also a few things about THE MAYFAIR MOON that made it less than great , for me . For starters , the story moves fairly slowly . Once the girls move to Maine , there isn 't a lot going on . I think that can be explained by the fact that there is a lot of world - building , or explanations that take place . Once the different people and backgrounds are in place , the plot does pick back up . And I would expect the next book in the series to maintain that pace now that the background has been established . I was also thrown by the connection between Adria and Isaac . It felt rushed to me . They meet , and there 's an immediate connection . Then , they are around each other a few times , but nothing that screamed " True Love " to me . Then Adria finds Isaac with another girl , runs out of the house and refuses to speak to him . She 's embarrassed , I understand . But I don 't get the level of hurt and how she feels he owes her an explanation . When he does explain , and she accepts , then he tells her the other girls who live in the Mayfair house are jealous because of their connection . Which reminds me , the Mayfair house . . . it seems sort of like a harem . I understand why the people are there , but I felt sort of gross with the way the girls are always all over Isaac . But they are werewolves , so I guess it 's explained by the animal attraction theory . Overall , I would say that THE MAYFAIR MOON is a book that I didn 't love , but I did like a quite a bit . With a dark , brooding atmosphere and a paranormal mystery THE MAYFAIR MOON is a book that will appeal to fans of paranormal young adult books . Favorite Quote : I saw Isaac 's expression out of the corner of my eye ; it shrank into something less solid and more humiliated . I laughed . Inside , of course . ' He even has his own cologne , ' said Nathan . ' It 's called . . . Dark Allure or some cheesy thing like that . ' ( pg . 127 ) The one bright spot in Riley 's world is Ian 's descendent , Kade MacKinnon , who could easily be Ian 's modern day twin . The parallels between the two guys are undeniable . As Riley 's relationship with Kade blossoms , she begins to realize Laria has grown in her power since their last confrontation - a power that could very well manipulate the living just as effectively as the dead . Please note : THE HAUNTED is a mature YA . Due to strong language , mention of alcohol and drug use , cutting , and sexual content , it is not recommended for younger teens . ~ From GoodReads THE HAUNTED takes off immediately where book one in the MacKinnon Curse series , THE DEEPEST CUT left off . Thank goodness because I didn 't want to miss one single second of what happened after Riley got her first glimpse of Kade , who looks exactly like his ancestor , Ian , a former ghost . And I have to stop right here and say , I miss Ian so , so much ! I mean , I was a little hesitant to read this book because I was afraid that no one could compare to Ian with his flowing white shirt and his charming demeanor . But as it turns out , the MacKinnons have some strong DNA sequences because his descendant Kade , well , he is quite the Scottish charmer too . Then there 's Laria , the evil ghost who is out to get Riley for interfering with Ian . She 's back , and she 's taking the evil to a whole new level . So now it 's up to Riley to save herself , those she loves , begin a new relationship , and manage to avoid regressing into her cutting habit . Easy peasy , right ? In real life , I 'm kind of a chicken , so there are very few " ghost stories " that appeal to me . I think what makes this series work so well for me is that it 's not only a ghost story . Riley is haunted , but she is also a normal teenage girl , in many ways . She is still dealing with her mother 's death , her father 's absences , and a brother she worries about . She still misses her friend , Ian , who she did have strong feelings for , but still let go . She is a former " cutter " who fights the urge to begin again every day . She is a girl who is falling for an impossibly cute , sweet guy who happens to be a dead ringer for her former love . The fact that THE HAUNTED deals with these issues makes the book appealing to even those who might not consider reading a ghost story . On the other hand , THE HAUNTED is super creepy . Laria has taken the proverbial gloves off and is gunning for Riley , and she doesn 't care who or what she has to go through to get to her . She is willing to possess and try to destroy Riley 's friends and family . She is making herself known to those around her . There were honestly a few times I got goosebumps while reading this book . But it was written in a manner that didn 't terrify me in a bad way , if that makes any sense . I guess I was a chilled but not paralyzed with fear . I have to give author J . A . Templeton major credit for the choices she ( or her characters ) makes in her writing . To make Riley a cutter couldn 't have been easy . It 's a compulsion that isn 't well understood by a lot of people and has been a controversial topic at times . She made me , through Riley , understand why someone would choose to do it , and even though a person may stop the act , the urge doesn 't just go away . She also allows her characters to be flawed , less than perfect . Some of them drink , some smoke pot , they curse a bit , they have s - e - x . And sometimes their actions have consequences . It 's not written in a glamorizing fashion . They 're real , pure and simple . While reading THE HAUNTED , I felt the same as I did while reading THE DEEPEST CU ( One sweet , one scary ! ) " He closed the door behind him . He reached up , his hand easing into my hair , his thumb brushing over my lower lip . ' I can 't stop thinking about you . ' " ( ebook , 46 % ) Shane was levitating a few feet off the bed - his body stick straight , his shaggy hair falling away from him . ' Shane , ' I said , taking a step closer . Without looking away from my brother , I felt for the light switch and turned it on . The bulb flashed and went out . " ( ebook , 49 % ) Becoming immortal wasn 't supposed to be the easy part . Though Kate is about to be crowned Queen of the Underworld , she 's as isolated as ever . And despite her growing love for Henry , ruler of the Underworld , he 's becoming ever more distant and secretive . Then , in the midst of Kate 's coronation , Henry is abducted by the only being powerful enough to kill him : the King of the Titans . Book two in the Goddess Test series , GODDESS INTERRUPTED begins six months after THE GODDESS TEST . Kate is returning to the Underworld after spending her first summer away from Henry in Greece , with James . Kate is hoping for a loving welcome from her reserved husband , and happy start to her new life as Queen of the Underworld . But an old threat has returned , and Henry is in danger . Kate must navigate the Underworld to find the one soul who can help her save her husband and the other gods , her sister , Persephone . And she also happens to be Henry 's former wife . But even if Kate can save Henry , will she be able to save their marriage ? [ Sidenote : Can I just say it 's kind of weird to have a YA novel with a married heroine ? There 's nothing wrong with it , actually , just a thought I wanted to throw out there . Now that I 've said my random bit , I 'll get to my thoughts . ] - The overall story . Greek Mythology was my favorite area of study in Literature . I have read The Iliad and The Odyssey many times , for fun . Author Aimee ' Carter took timeless " characters " and has given them an updated , lively spin . I love how Carter assigned new names , but identifiable traits for the gods and goddesses . - I also liked the slow - building relationship between Kate and Henry . Henry is extremely mired by the pain of losing Persephone to a mortal . He has deemed himself unlovable and is slow to trust , even his wife . It would have been easier for the author to make Henry into a happy , loving person once he met Kate , but it would have also made getting to know him less interesting , because emotionally damaged boys ( even those who can smite you ) are usually the ones who steal your heart . - Aimee ' Carter is an excellent author . Her words flow in an easy manner that makes reading her books a pleasure . The dialogue is never stilted . Her words never sound awkward or ill - placed while reading . - Okay , so I know I said before that I liked the relationship between Henry and Kate , and I do . What I don 't like , however , is Kate spending the entire book wringing her hands over Henry 's feelings for Persephone and the fact he 'll never love her as much as his first wife . I do get that Kate is still a teenager , newly married , and dealing with a load of emotional baggage . But enough . I don 't want to literally spend every page listening to it . - My least favorite part of the story was some of the events that take place in GODDESS INTERRUPTED . And what makes this tough is that I can 't defend that position without spoiling parts of the book , particularly the last few chapters . Kate has a real talent for throwing herself into unnecessary positions . But what really got me was the last few pages . It felt rushed , forced , and didn 't wholly make sense . All in all , GODDESS INTERRUPTED is a book that I didn 't love , but I liked it well enough . I felt a bit disappointed because it felt like the story didn 't advance , but actually regressed , in regards to Henry and Kate 's relationship , until the very end of the book . I didn 't love the ending , but it does provide a great setup for book three in the series , THE GODDESS INHERITANCE . " I 'm not leaving you for him . I 'm not leavig you for anybody , and I never would have gone looking for something better . You are my something better , and I wish - I wish I was yours , too . " ( ARC , 79 % ) " If I were a better man , I would be able to show you the love and affection you deserve . As I am not , I can only offer you what I am capable of giving . But I assure you , just because I do not show it doesn 't mean I do not feel it . " ( ARC , 93 % ) Amy is fine living in the shadows of beautiful Lila and uber - cool Cassie , because at least she 's somewhat beautiful and uber - cool by association . But when their dates stand them up for prom , and the girls take matters into their own hands - earning them a night in jail outfitted in satin , stilettos , and Spanx - Amy discovers even a prom spent in handcuffs might be better than the humiliating " rehabilitation techniques " now filling up her summer . Worse , with Lila and Cassie parentally banned , Amy feels like she has nothing - like she is nothing . Why I 'm Waiting ~ It 's Contemporary YA . Amy seems like a girl most of us can identify with . And , oh yeah , Prom sucks . At least mine did . But seriously , PRETTY AMY seems awesome . Lucky me , I have an ARC coming my way soon ! Becoming immortal wasn 't supposed to be the easy part . Though Kate is about to be crowned Queen of the Underworld , she 's as isolated as ever . And despite her growing love for Henry , ruler of the Underworld , he 's becoming ever more distant and secretive . Then , in the midst of Kate 's coronation , Henry is abducted by the only being powerful enough to kill him : the King of the Titans . Y ' all know I love Abbi Glines , right ? And if you read my review of BECAUSE OF LOW , you know I had major love for bad boy Cage York . So you know that I am beyond excited to take part in the cover reveal for the next book in the SEA BREEZE series , WHILE IT LASTS . Maybe driving home after a few ( or more ) shots of tequila had been a bad idea , but hell , he did it all the time . The cops had to have been freaking bored to have pulled him over . He wasn 't even swerving ! That 's Cage York 's story and he 's sticking to it . Unfortunately , his baseball coach isn 't buying it . Cage has a free ride to the local junior college for baseball - - or he did , until he 'd gotten a DUI . Now , Cage has to decide : does he drop out and give up his dream of getting noticed by a college in the SEC , and possibly making it into the Major Leagues - - or does he give in to his coach 's demands and spend his summer bailing hay ? Eva Brooks had planned out her life step by step when she was eight years old . Not once over the years had she lost sight of her goals . Josh Beasley , her next door neighbor , had been the center of those goals . He 'd been her first boyfriend at seven , her first kiss at ten , her first date at fifteen , and her first tragedy at eighteen . The moment she 'd received the phone call from Josh 's mother saying he 'd been killed along with four other soldiers just north of Baghdad , Eva 's carefully planned life imploded in the worst way possible . Cage isn 't real happy with his closet - sized bedroom in the back of a foul smelling barn , or his daily interactions with cows , but he knows that if he doesn 't make his coach happy then he can kiss his scholarship goodbye . Only a sick and twisted man would decide his punishment was to be working on a farm all summer . No hot babes in bikinis waiting to meet a Southern boy to make her vacation complete . Just him and the damned cows . Awesome , right ? What I wouldn 't give to be that bale of hay . ( Yep , I said it . ) Be sure to add WHILE IT LASTS to your GoodReads tbr - list . Posted by Today , I have a truly lovely guest post from Lucy Swing , author of FEATHERMORE . The post is followed by details of the fabulous blog tour giveaway hosted by Lucy . And now . . . author Lucy Swing . Enjoy . WHY I WRITE YA As an avid reader , I will pretty much read any genre at all . When I started reading as a child I was obsessed with R . L . Stine . My parents had a clothing store at the mall and I would spend hours at the bookstore reading Goosebumps . Whenever I came across any kind of money at all , it would go toward a book . When I started growing up , and although I kept reading Stine 's books , my taste became a little bit broader . Now , whenever I had money I spent it on clothes or going out with my friends , and that is why I began reading my Mom 's books . She , like I , has to go to sleep with a book in hand . And so there were plenty for me to choose from , however her genre was a little different that mine , she loved romance novels . Think Nora Roberts and Danielle Steele . And so I daydreamed of handsome and romantic men that would come to sweep me off the floor , the romantic in me was born . I went on , for years reading anything my mom purchased . The DaVinci code drove me wild ! But it wasn 't until I was told about Twilight that I became a DIE HARD reader . I was working at the hospital at the time . I had taken a very lunch break and so I was completely alone in our break room . On the table was a paperback of Twilight . The TV wasn 't working and so I picked it up , after all , I had half an hour to kill . OH MY GOD , the half an hour disappeared . I don 't know how it is possible , but time fast forwarded ! I had gotten so into the story that by the time I came up for air it had been an hour ! I was so busted . Reluctantly I put it down and headed back to work . I couldn 't concentrate , I had Meyer 's story engraved in my mind . 7pm came around and I bolted to my car . I didn 't go home , I told my Mom I would pick up the kids a little bit later and drove like a maniac to the bookstore . By then , the first three were already out , so I bought them all . It might have taken me a week before I had read them all . I was ADDICTED . Since then I have read all four about 10 times each , and every time , it 's like the very first . It was because of the Twilight saga that I decided to become a writer . I wanted readers to feel the way Meyers had made me feel . To become the character and have a break from our everyday lives . I wanted to create an escape that readers would want to escape to . And so my genre of choice was easy , Young Adult . It is the genre I like reading most . How many of you were told by a parent , aunt , grandmother how we would one day miss our teenage years ? How we would one day want to turn back time and be in high school again ? Everything my Mom has ever said to me and was brushed off as " Yeah , right . Whatever " has come true . And so , what better way to re - live those days than by creating my own ? The Young Adult genre is not just for teenagers , it is for everybody that misses those days and wants to , even if for a few hours a day , go back and reminisce . YA is also for the teenagers dealing with the realistic issues sometimes mingled in the stories , in the case of Feathermore , bullying . I was bullied when I was younger and I completely stand against it . It breaks people and scars them for life in one way or another . For adults , as I said before , YA is a getaway to times already passed . Jade , like any other student at Brushwood High , awaits the start of the school year with a certain measure of dread . Worse , she is being threatened by a voice that only she can hear - a voice that lurks at the edges of her awareness , haunting her and warning her of something unknown . She has always been able to count on her two best friends , Claire and Nate , but can she confide in them now ? About this ? Would they even believe her ? But Jade soon comes to realize that good things don 't last forever . When everything spirals out of control , she is shattered by something she never saw coming . Dazed and despairing , she must now overcome tragedy and embrace her true existence and a new but dangerous love . Will she be able to save herself and those she loves , before it 's too late ? Or will she let the surrounding darkness consume her ? " During a FridayReads Twitter Book Tour , one of the reviewers from the book blog Insatiable Booksluts tweeted that my novel The Earthquake Machine is like " Huck Finn with vibrators . " I love that tweet because it really captures the adventurous , girl - powered spirit of The Earthquake Machine . Instead of Huck Finn running away and teaming up with a runaway slave , in The Earthquake Machine a girl named Rhonda runs away to Mexico to find her family 's yardman Jésus , who has been deported . And instead of the Misssissippi River , the Rio Grande River runs through my novel . And of course instead of Huck Finn pretending to be a girl , my protagonist Rhonda changes her appearance so she can " pass " as a Mexican boy named Angel and travel safely deep into interior Mexico . I wanted The Earthquake Machine to be a bold and daring coming - of - age tale for every woman or grrrl who ever longed to shake off the limitations imposed by her gender and take a wild journey . The Earthquake Machine The Earthquake Machine tells the story of 14 year - old Rhonda . On the outside , everything looks perfect in Rhonda 's world , but at home Rhonda has to deal with a manipulative father who keeps her mentally ill mother hooked on pharmaceuticals . The only reliable person in Rhonda 's life is her family 's Mexican yardman , Jesús . But when the INS deports Jesús back to his home state of Oaxaca , Rhonda is left alone with her increasingly painful family situation . Determined to find her friend Jésus , Rhonda seizes an opportunity to run away during a camping trip with friends to Big Bend National Park . She swims to the Mexican side of the Rio Grande and makes her way to the border town of Milagros , Mexico . There a peyote - addled bartender convinces her she won 't be safe traveling alone into the country 's interior . So with the bartender 's help , Rhonda cuts her hair and assumes the identity of a Mexican boy named Angel . She then sets off on a burro across the desert to look for Jesús . Thus begins a wild adventure that fulfills the longing of readers eager for a brave and brazen female protagonist . Mary Pauline Lowry has worked as a forest firefighter , screenwriter , open water lifeguard , construction worker , and advocate in the movement to end violence against women . Due to no fault of her sweet parents , at 15 she ran away from home and made it all the way to Matamoros , Mexico . She believes girls should make art , have adventures , and read books that show them the way . Posted by I am so excited to be taking be in this cover reveal WINGS OF ARIAN by Devri Walls . Devri is a total sweetie and I am happy to see her book coming together so beautifully . I have to say , when I opened the file that contained the cover art , my jaw dropped . This cover is SO GORGEOUS and was designed by the talented Claudia at Phatpuppy Art . Kiora thought she had never heard a lie until she was sixteen . But she was wrong . Her entire existence was based on nothing but . She thought that evil did not exist . Lie . That magic was not real . Lie . And that the land of Meros was all there was . One more lie . However , this journey was never meant to be hers alone . She will be accompanied by a Protector . To her disbelief , and utter irritation they name the hotheaded , stubborn , non - magical , ( albeit gorgeous ) Prince Emane . They will have to trust each other with their lives , but right now Kiora would settle for a non hostile conversation . And now it comes down to this , If you had never heard a lie , would you know when you heard one ? Is knowing good from evil innate ? Kiora finds herself having to decide who lives and who dies on those very questions . Devri Walls lives in Kuna Idaho with her husband and two kids . She has worked as amusic teacher and currently , a preschool teacher . She majored in theater and her loveof a story still drives her today . Thankfully , she has finally found an outlet for all thevoices in her head . Her first novel , Wings of Arian , will be released on Amazon May of2012 . Find her on Twitter , Facebook or on her blog ; www . writingmyfuture . comComing Soon : Tour invites for Wings of Arian are being divided up and situated . . . oh yes , an INVITE ONLY tour ! Be checking your inbox ! Posted by Vee knows this because she was there . Everyone believes Vee is narcoleptic , but she doesn 't actually fall asleep during these episodes : When she passes out , she slides into somebody else 's mind and experiences the world through that person 's eyes . She 's slid into her sister as she cheated on a math test , into a teacher sneaking a drink before class . She learned the worst about a supposed " friend " when she slid into her during a school dance . But nothing could have prepared Vee for what happens one October night when she slides into the mind of someone holding a bloody knife , standing over Sophie 's slashed body . Vee desperately wishes she could share her secret , but who would believe her ? It sounds so crazy that she can 't bring herself to tell her best friend , Rollins , let alone the police . Even if she could confide in Rollins , he has been acting off lately , more distant , especially now that she 's been spending more time with Zane . Imagine sliding into someone else 's body , seeing the world through their eyes . Being afraid to touch any object that could cause the slide . Being so afraid of moving into someone else 's body that you 're terrified to fall asleep . Exhausting and creepy , right ? Now imagine sliding into someone else 's body , and seeing a murder . Everyone thinks the victim committed suicide , but you know the truth , it was murder . But , how do you explain the truth , without looking crazy ? That 's Vee 's story . She slides into the bodies of those around her . And when she witnesses a friend 's murder through the eyes of the murderer , she 's in a race to find out the truth , before the person strikes again . . . even closer to home . I have to start by saying , SLIDE is a truly original story . I haven 't personally come across anything quite like it . The basis of " the slide " was interesting , Vee enters the consciousness of another person , caused by touching a personal item that person . The quiet desperation Vee feels because of this is a major theme in the story . She can 't tell anyone , her dad sent her to a psychiatrist when she opened up to him . She is afraid to touch anything that might trip a slide , causing her to be paranoid and closed off . Vee is also saddled with fear of abandonment . Her mother died when she was very young and her father , a renowned surgeon , has basically left her to care for her younger sister , Mattie . So clearly , Vee is a complicated character . And even if I couldn 't identify with her struggle , author Jill Hathaway plants you so firmly into Vee 's head that you can 't help but be immersed in her story . Rollins is Vee 's best friend , and it quickly becomes obvious ( at least to me ) that he wants more with her . I love the fact that he is not the " typical YA " best guy friend / potential love interest . Rollins is smoking , artistic , tough guy with a hard life . I can 't tell you how much I loved the fact that I never once read about his rippling abs or biceps . I appreciated the fact that the author 's focus was on him as a character and not the body . As for the other guy vying for Vee 's interest , Zane is kind of that stereotypical guy . He 's gorgeous , charming , seemingly perfect . I didn 't get his appeal beyond the superficial . For me , it 's a no - brainer . My favorite part of SLIDE , by a landslide , was the murder mystery . The mystery literally made this book impossible to put down . I thought I knew who the culprit was , then something happened that would change my mind . Then something else would change it again . Then someone else died . And Vee would uncover another hidden truth . The suspense kept building and building , amping up bit by bit until I was flying through the pages . Because I was so desperate to learn the truth , I read SLIDE in just a few hours . I would think , " one more chapter " , but when I hit that point I still couldn 't stop . And I 'll just admit it now , I was wrong . Dead wrong . And that 's the one thing I didn 't really like about SLIDE . Not that I was wrong about the identity , I promise . It 's because the identity didn 't feel authentic to me . I mean , I can sort of see the motivation for the murder . But the logic behind it , the extremes gone to by the culprit , I just felt it was a bit much . And when I think about it , I don 't even see how the murder could have actually been carried out without the person being caught . How did they get in and out of the house without her parents hearing ? Did the girl just lie there and get murdered without making a sound ? I felt let down when I learned the truth . Well , that and a little bit angry , as well . Having said that , I did enjoy SLIDE quite a lot . The plot was gripping and Vee waFavorite Quote : " I can never get used to the feeling of looking through someone else 's eyes . It 's as if each person sees the world in a slightly different hue . The tricky part is figuring out who the person is . It 's like putting together a jigsaw puzzle - what do I see , hear , smell ? Everything is a clue . " ( pg . 4 , ARC )
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The rituals of parking have always amused me . People will spend inordinate amounts of time , energy , and money in the pursuit and acquisition of " the perfect parking spot " . They will circle malls for 20 minutes to save themselves from a 2 minute walk . They will hover over a spot waiting for a car to leave the spot they want , and impatiently honk their horn if it does not leave fast enough to suit them . In the city , where parking spots are often violently protected , the youngest son will be drafted to save the family parking spot while Dad goes to Home Depot for some project supplies . He will be issued the family Uzzi and told that if he loses that spot , don 't come home . Private parking in New York city costs more than my mortgage per month . Yes , parking in much of America approaches the intensity of war . Many trips are planned around finding and acquiring the right parking spot . At Christmas , people will show up to the malls 1 to 2 hours early just to find and secure a parking spot 30 feet away from the door they want to rush into when the mall opens . A successful shopping trip sometimes being gauged by the spot they scored on the way in . " No Martha , I didn 't get that gee gaw you wanted , but you shoulda seen the parking spot I got . It was great . Right next to the Sears door . Only had to go around the Mall twice . " While I don 't understand this fascination with finding the right spot , the parking scofflaws really get me . Those folks who are positive that general parking courtesy is for the unwashed masses but not meant for them . The guy who parks his huge new Hummer at an angle , wasting 4 spots . The spot creator who sees a parking spot where none existed before they came onto the lot . Often they show up in groups which results in lanes so choked up that it takes 10 tow trucks and 15 mall cops to sort out the maddness . The old couple who park in the firelanes next to the doors . Grandma gets out and heads in , leaving Grandpa sitting in the car reading his Sunday paper and sucking down a thermos full of coffee for 2 houMRMacrum I engaged a rabid , foaming at the mouth , Bible thumping maniac in polite conversation the other day . At least it started out that way . For a minute or two . Then I mentioned UFOs . Whoa dude . Wrong subject . It went from wrong to a disaster in communication when I took the stance that we likely had neighbors in the heavens and they were likely smarter than us . Now the Right Reverend Billy Bob Baker ( name has been changed to protect the insane ) got up on his pulpit and set down a sermon that left me astounded that an otherwise smart guy could lose it like he did . In a nutshell ( so to speak ) the Rev contended that God made Man in his image . That there was only one God and he didn 't repeat himself by conjuring up any competition . What just took me two sentences to Clif Note took Billy Bob 15 minutes . Between the " and God saith 's " and the " In the beginning " , I managed to digest his point . When it seemed he was done and not just catching another breath for his fire and brimstone , I made another mistake . I said , " Well , cool Bob . But if we are his chosen people , and we 're the best he could come up with , then I 'd say he needs to try again . He might just get it right the next time " . The Rev didn 't say anything . He just looked at me . Kinda creeped me out . Then he seemed to grow larger and the veins in his forehead began to pulsate . His hands began a spasmatic clenching . I could see that Old Testament gleam in his eyes . One cannot stand up to religious convictions held by a manic madman . Add in the purposeful tweak of his nose , and beating a hasty retreat seemed wise . So I did . Hope I don 't see him for a couple of weeks . W and Vlad met the other day in Slovakia . W voiced his concerns about Vlad and his cavalier treatment of democracy according to the famous " W 's Definitive Guide to All Things Democratic " . For his part , Vlad assured W he was doing the best he could . Cut us some slack dude . We 's new at it . You don 't just pick up and give folks freedom overnight . You have to beat some of them over the head first . Cuz we 's Russians fer chrissakes . He went on to say it was more a reason of biology . The Slavic craniums are a tad thicker than your average white guy 's . Sense comes hard in that part of the World . W nodded and said , " I know jes what you mean Vlad . We gots similar folks in the ole US of A . We 's call em Liberals . You can beat them 2 times in a row and they still don 't git it . " Posted by Damn . All the way home from errands in the snow storm , I conjured up a great topic for discussion . Well , not discussion via two way communications , but more of a one way musing . Again I have blown it . Did not strike while the iron was hot . Now all that comes out of my head is snot . I 'll stick with it for a few minutes more . Keep the keys moving in and out . Something is bound to dawn on me . Punch some music in , kick back , and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . well , I am waiting here . I am ready now . Uh , anytime would be nice . Jeez , when there 's no way to record , my mind can 't keep up with the subject options . Silly to insane , thoughts to expand on tease me until I get home . And then they 're gone . Went ice riding yesterday . It was one of those glorious winter days . Blue sky , 15 " F , and blinding snow cover everywhere . Had to wear my sunglasses , even in the woods . Though I am ready to see Spring , bike rides like yesterday get special notice when archiving my memory for future retrieval . We rode over 12 miles on snowmobile trails . Almost perfect conditions . The normally rugged terrain filled in with snow by hundreds of snow machines , creating smooth rollercoaster trails for us to rip up . Mostly hardpack with just enough hard ice to justify the studded sneakers . I wore just the right combo of duds . Not cold , not hot . Perfect . The bike worked well . Shifted with little hassle and I made all the climbs I attempted . A great day in the woods . If I hadn 't been sportin my winter physique , I could have stayed out there all day . But since I have taken on the appearance of a whale , 2 + hours and I was all done . Toasted , thrashed but damn happy . I had so much fun , I planned a repeat performance this morning . But what do I wake up to ? Snow and the prediction is now 8 " to 12 " before it 's done . Shoot ! There goes those perfect conditions . We 'll have to get another thaw and a freeze before it approaches what we had yesterday . At least I was lucky enough to catch the trails when they were just right . Posted by A late Feburary snow is falling . I sit here in the office , looking out and know I am ready now . Ready for what you might ask ? Just what is he talking about ? Well , I 'll tell ya . I 'm ready for a climatic change . A swap to more sane wheather . Warmth , sun , dirt and grass . I want the windows open and bugs to swat . Yeah I 'm ready , Freddy . I love Maine . I love the seasons . All 5 of them . But if there was one thing I would change , it would be the cut off date for Winter . Sometimes winter way overstays it 's welcome . Hanging on like a cancer , it nibbles at my optimism . The longer days that signal Spring lose their positive impact with 2 feet of snow on the ground and 8 " to 12 " more on the way . But the Winter hump has been humped . It is in it 's last gasps . I know if I can hang on a tad longer , Mud season is just around the corner . A month of glop and slop as the deep frost leaves the ground . My basement becomes the set for " A River Runs Through It " . And yet , I look forward to the cold and wet wheather of Mud season . I know that what comes next are the 3 seasons that make Maine a special place . Maine springs , summers and falls produce days from which post cards are made . Even Winter is great , just stays a bit too long . So , so long Ole Man Winter . It 's time to hit the trail . Get lost . Posted by Today I awoke a satisfied man . Ten minutes awake , my perspective changed . Yesterday I spent many hours cleaning and organizing the garage . It seemed a hopeless and lost cause . But 8 hours of picking at this , arranging that and sweeping it all up , left a new look that almost gleamed . Appropriately self satisfied , I sat in the middle of it all and toasted my accomplishment . I surveyed the order I had created . All the carpentry tools organized and ready for that next chunk of wood to butcher . The Bike crap in boxes marked with labels . The leaves that had migrated in swept up and all yard tools hung up . A cave of narrow aisles between haphazard piles had become a room once again . Room to move . Room to groove . I did a little dance . Yeah , last night I sat and enjoyed what I had done . This morning , flush from this recent victory , I began plans for future campaigns . The roof , the bathroom , the upstairs hallway , the . . . . . . shit ! All of the undone and deteriorated rushed through my brain . Suddenly , I was overwhelmed . Back to square one . My shoulders drooped . I lost the trees looking at the forest . Life is like that . Considering the Big Picture can be an unsatisfactory experience . The Big Picture can seem daunting and leave us in despair . Sometimes just looking at that next step instead of journey 's end is the only way to travel . I will sometimes approach this blog with intensity and purpose . I will have fixed on something to rant on , reflect on , or fawn on . It will spark my interest early in the day . By the time I get home and chow down , I will have the point figured out and how to get there . Between the time I finish dinner and the moment I fire up the computer , punch a tune in and stretch the digits , it 's gone . Adios , see ya later alligator . Just like that . If it ate at me all day , I know it was important . Had to be . Sadly , I wasn 't quick enough . So I sit here , all dressed up and nowhere to go . Other nights , I sit down with nothing in mind . On auto pilot , I kick up the blog screen . No plans , just another part of my computer ritual . I want the blog handy . Just in case . So what happens , an odd thought will occur to me and it 's off to the races . 1400 words or so later at dark thirty in the morning , I will kick back from the desk . Exhausted , seeing double , and completely drained . And pass out satisfied . Catching the iron when it 's hot is a crap shoot . I do not seem able to turn on the good stuff at will . Perspectives fail to materialize on cue but often show up unintentionally without being asked . Tonight for instance . Tonight I am intent in my pursuit of something to put on paper . Tonight however , those deep and meaningful words are MIA . Getting anything out of the ole noggin is like pulling teeth . Words begrudge me . Thoughts fight to remain hidden . Like a game of hide and seek , I am always " it " . I have been thinking all day of my time with the Blog . My inability to be creative is not going to stop me . Come Hell or high water , the words are going down . Just by going through the motions , oftentimes something will click into place . And oftentimes not . Oh well . If I can 't be inventive or original , I can always be boorish and obtuse . Apparently it does not matter what I post here . No one is watching anyway . And if they are , the words written must not be worthy of comment . On one level this bothers me . But when I look back at the flood of commentary I have unleashed recently , I am not bothered . I started this whole blog gig to rekindle creative fires . And even though my words may be ho hummers to everyone else , they please me anyway . I have written more in the last 3 months than in the last 3 years . Writing is my first interest . Reading it a close second . If anyone else likes it or hates it , great . But to please myself first is my top priority . Today I have 3 windows open to the world . I can hop around from one to the other and pursue the Truth as others see it . After looking at the diverse slants on several issues , I conclude that Truth is not a summation of factual information , Truth is the interpretation of factual information . Facts of anything become the building blocks upon which the Truth is built . That the Truth of something depends on the filters used in viewing it . As I peruse the various takes on Truth , I am constantly reminded of a Tom Cruise movie where a Marine colonel on the witness stand loudly proclaims to the effect , " You want the truth ? You can 't handle the truth ! " And he is right . I can only handle my Truth . As a follow up to Truth , I was just confronted with the idea of Evil . Another in a long line of interpretative ideas that resists universal agreement . One man 's Evil is another man 's crusade . To blindly condemn another 's actions as Evil without attempting to discern the reasons for that Evil is wrong . Recognize that Evil is not cut and dry . Black and white . Certainly we attempt as groups to define Evil so that we can co - exist together . But in the long run Evil is what we make it . Jason is a friend of mine . He is what we now label as a special needs person . Jason is a ward of the state . Paying attention is not something Jason does well . Jason reminds me of Baby Huey . Big , dumb , and not a mean bone in that 400 pound frame . Always ready with a kind word , Jason is concerned for everyone 's well being . Jason forgets sometimes . Almost burned down his apartment one day . Left something on the stove , started watching the tube , and his kitchen caught fire . Jason resolved any future lapses in the direct and simple way Jay does everything . He got rid of his TV . Now all he has at home is his Bible , his bike , and a stereo he cranks gospel tunes on . My friendship with Jason goes back at least 15 years . Back then at age 12 or so , Jay only weighed around 250 , but he made an impression even then . I had just given some young punks what for when I caught them teasing him for being , well , the way he is . Instead of thanking me , Jay just said , " They can 't help themselves , just like I can 't help being me . " Even as a kid and the target of truly cruel remarks , Jason could not get angry . Over the ensuing years , Jason and I would cross paths . His simple and direct view of Life always picked up my day . Nothing was difficult for Jason . He could either do it or he couldn 't . And he was comfortable with that . No angst . No anquish over meeting some societal set of goals , conditions , or mores . When I allow Life to overwhelm me , I find myself envious of his simple take on things . But I know he was right 12 years ago . I can 't help being myself , just like he can 't help being himself . A bit of fiction wrapped in reality with a dose of truth mixed in . A narrative about the limits of love . A tale that confirms all men are losers and hopeless when left to their own devices . Shows that all men need mothers , that 's why they marry them . ( 1243 ) 15 years ago or so , I went Christmas shopping with a friend of mine . It was a mutual aid trip to shop for our signifigant others . A one shot deal . We were not going to return empty handed . My friend had a list his dear wife had given him 2 months earlier . Prioritized , with certain items underlined and where they might be scored . Me , I had nothing , not even a clue . The largest congregation of retail stores was an hour away in Newington , NH . He picked me up at 7 : 30 AM . I had offered to drive , but ever since I put us in a ditch that one time , my friend liked to use his car . Cool , his fuel , not mine . Hitting the Fox Run Mall parking lot just shy of 8 : 30 AM , we were shocked by the mob already in place and impatiently waiting for the doors to open . We had to park 1 / 4 mile away . After the hike in , I wished I had packed some water and a snack . Just as we got to the doors , a poor security guard unlocked the doors . Like drug crazed rock concert fans , old ladies , old men , little kids and teen aged girls surged through the door like water finding a break in the dam . My friend and I were a tad suprised and concerned . We had never encountered rabid shoppers in such overwhelming numbers before . And we knew this scene was being repeated at all 40 hundred doors that encircled this shopper 's heaven . All of a sudden I had visions of fighting ole ladies for some trinket . Or being tackled by a distraught aunt who saw me take the last of that one thing she just had to get for her favorite niece , Josie . I looked at my friend and I am sure we were on the same page . " Let 's go get some breakfast and let the whackos have at it . We 'll come back " , he suggested . Not needing my arm twisted , I did an about face and we headed back to the car . Breakfast at IHOP was a joke . Apparently there are thouMRMacrum Up here in Maine , winter snow has an accumlative effect . Snow that fell in November is likely to see April . This often results in a tunnel like roadway system as the built up snow becomes harder to plow back . So the plow guys perform a magic feat called " winging " . Driving close to the side of the road , the primary plow pushes into the bank forcing it up and back . It is caught by a higher secondary ( the wing ) plow that forces it and the built up banking back even further . The result is what appears to be a stepped bank . A good winger is an artist . Able to force the most obstinate bank back and still not take out everyone 's mailbox . An angry winger is just the opposite . They will leave 20 mangled mailboxes in their wake and all the snow they winged in the end of your driveway . It is not a good idea to get on their wrong side . And I am afraid I am starting to get on their nerves . Or more accurately , Stub , our young mutt , is getting on their nerves . Stubb is a sweet dog . As dogs go , she is smart I guess . But when it comes to the rare traffic on our road , she is numb as a hake . Friday AM , I am digging out the end of the drive . Stubb is with me or nearby . I hear the plow coming . And who is in front of the plow ? Yeah , our little Stubby . Just barely able to stay in front , she has this manic look on her face , tongue waggin , and going full tilt boogie . She dips off the road just about the time I figure she 's dead meat . The plow guy goes by and he does not look happy . Properly chastised , I give Stub what for . She knows she 's screwed up , but the look in her eyes indicates she has no clue about what . Damn young dogs . So today I am at the other end of the drive opening it up a bit more and I hear the plow coming . From the lower more stressed sound , I can tell they have the wing out . As it comes into view , yep , Stub is leading the parade . I did not even know she was out . But that didn 't matter . This second offense in 2 days is bound to come back on me the next snow storm . A common theme among bloggers is finding subject matter that matters enough to write about . Blah , Blah , Blah , quote the sentiments of one particularily frustrated blogist . Another wasted many bytes typing the same expletive deleted at least a couple hundred times . Neither approach offers any readers that warm and fuzzy feeling so many are looking for when they surk and lurf Blog World . I can understand their frustration . The need to write something overwhelms the ability to come up with , well , anything . So , Blah , Blah , Blah . I was going to take a breather tonight . No writing . Just lurk a little and poke through some other blogs , then head to bed . Sleep through the night instead of writing through it . But the faded and stained key board would not let me . Ideas and twists I read on other 's sites would not let me . The music I picked would not let me . All of them conspiring to rob me of much needed shut eye . Is it that I want to create or just not go to sleep ? Now that I am in one of my mild manic states , sleeping doesn 't cut it . I have to stay up until fatigue and exhaustion leave me in a heap . One shoe on , one shoe off . Spread eagle on the floor , couch , or veranda , I run until I 'm rung out . Yeah , sleeping is for losers . Sleeping is paying no mind or even the slighest attention to anything but breathing in , breathing out . REM time is a fine time . For heads on plush pillowsand bodies wrapped in soft quilts . But I have no timeFor those unremembered momentsbehind shut eyes and closed mind . Need to think the next greatthought , reason , or rhyme . It is bound to pop upIf all night I stay upThe moment will comeThe question that eats meThe answer I seekThat has always left me dumbWill become evidentAt a quarter to oneAnd quite clear to meBy a quarter after three . But I better hurryNot waste any timeI 'll be face down on the floorBy a quarter to four . I pulled my one entry today for grossly misprepresenting itself as something worth reading . I am not my own worst critic . That honor belongs to Capt M . D . Stremba , a high school english teacher who insisted I had better in me . In his honor I pulled the bland and inane piece . That isn 't to say this is not inane and not worthy of the time and effort it took to write it . It 's just that I feel the need to honor a man who pushed me to be better instead . I started writing in journals when I was 11 or 12 . By the time I hit high school , I had some of the composition basics down . As a mostly self taught writer , I also had many irritating habits I carry to this day . I am prone to long rambling sentences with many commas , so by the time I make my point , the original thought is often wasted and lost in the previous dribble . A good speller with a fair vocabulary , I tended to force words to meanings they were ill suited to . I could write and make sense , but I did it in a sloppy and haphazard way . Capt Stremba would have none of it . He threw back almost every piece I ever wrote and insisted I do it over . Not one to over instruct , his comments made their point with clear brevity . Words like " Repetitive " , " Like commas ? " , or my favorite , " And your point is ? " What really irritated me is that in our class , there were only two of us he treated this way . Everyone else got their grade on the first try . I felt picked on . No , I was picked on . I realize he picked on me for a reason . He knew I had the ability to write better , I was just lazy . His editing abilities of high school compositions are only one reason I remember and honor his memory . Of equal and lasting importance was his ability to prognosticate . In my Senior year yearbook he foretold my future accurately with 6 words . " Degeneration is around the corner . Watch ! " I believe in the right to be stupid . On occaision , I have been known to be very enthusiastic and gifted at exercising that right . But you can only escape the consequences of your actions so many times . Caught twice being stupid at age 28 became a milestone in my digression from the cradle to the grave . I spent the first 28 years of my life on the move . Born into a military house , we were never anywhere . Always about to move , moving , or just moved . 12 schools before I graduated high school , I grew accustomed to not knowing my classmates . I gave up joining in any meaningful bud type situations . I existed on the periphery , just outside the in crowd . After college when my fate was my own to determine , I went with what I knew . I traveled . A frantic , manic pinball , I pounded America 's great interstate system jockeying tractor trailers . Spending any layovers getting drunk , doing drugs and bedding any woman who 'd have me . One day I woke up in the Boone County Jail . My head hurt . My face hurt . I wanted to puke , but knew I already had and there was nothing but my stomach coming up if I did . I couldn 't find my favorite Peter Bilt hat . In the drunk tank crammed with 5 or so like minded souls , I realized I may have just been caught across the line again . Hazy and befuddled , I did a review of the preceding 12 hours . Yesterday , caught a cab from the Oakland County Jail in Michigan . After 7 days on that holding cell floor I knew I could sleep anywhere . The only semi - permanent resident , I made and lost many friends that week . Some guy puked on me a couple of days ago . I hadn 't showered all week . I was ripe . Mr Cab driver , take me away from here . On the way to the Airport , front tire blows . This won 't do I say . I have a plane to catch . So he runs her hard til the flat flames up and he has to stop 1 / 4 mile short of a good time . I run run and catch the door at gate 13 just as it closes . Whew , made it . Sober and very relieved to see Detroit disappear , I naturally take to drink . 4 or 5 cocktails later , we land In Cincinnatti . I apologize to my rowmate for my odor and head to the first bar in the airport . My last memory is raising a shot glass and loudly proclaiming my appreciation of freedom . And then I wake up here . In jail again . Damn . Day 8 and still in jail . Just not the one I started the week in . I was out of control . My stupid ability to ingest outrageous amounts of inebriating substances had failed me . In the last 8 days , I had finally found my limit and crossed it not just once , but twice . I was in the hoosgow . Two black eyes , a flat nose with only one working nostril , and wishin I was brain dead , I mumbled from beat lips , " Uh where am I and why am I where I am ? " The short story . Too many shots at the airport and 6 state cops carried me to jail . Not happy to be incarcerated again , I take it out on my bunkies . They bounce me around for round 2 and steal my hat . In court by 11 : 00 AM . Judge takes pity on me after hearing my tale of woe . Fines me $ 150 and time served . That will be cash , thank you very much . Revelations happen everywhere it seems . Spontaneous understanding of the big picture can come like a hammer on the heels of being blind drunk . Laying there on the lower bunk looking up at that smelly stained mattress over me , I knew change was upon me . What kind of change would reveal itself in the near future , but for now I knew my life as I knew it was over . 25 years later I sit here and reflect . I bring up the day I realized Life isn 't found at the bottom of a Jack Daniels bottle or in a bag of cocaine . But for that brush with the law , it might have been too late . Posted by I was trying to remember something . At the kitchen table , that first cup of coffee in front of me sat ignored . Did I dream it ? Was it from my checkered past ? Or from my unblemished future ? Lost in thought , I missed my mouth with the coffee cup . Hot coffee in my crotch brought me back to the here and now . Damn . It was on the tip of my brain . MAD . Or more properly put , Mutually Assured Destruction . An odd concept . I envision two hard asses at a bar . After likkerin up for a couple hours , they agree to go out back and pound each other into oblivion . And what 's odd is they have come to a mutual agreement regarding the outcome , but pursue the result anyway . Posted by Sequential thought has never been my strong suit . I tend to arrive at conclusions the long way around . Never satisfied with A + B = C , I generally look for where D comes into it . I always assume there is more than one answer to a question . I waste enormous amounts of time pursuing all variables . On the other hand milady is a logistical machine . Always cuts to the chase . She filters through the Bull shit with alarcity and cold reason . She suffers fools badly . So why in the Hell is she suffering with me ? Boy , Love is sure odd . Some word combinations just tickle my funny bone . Some words are just askin for some fun pokin . And some words just deserve notice . Alter Ego - Sounds like someone 's name . You remember Alter ? You know , of the South Hampton Egos . I never liked the Ego 's much . Full of themselves and just different than us . Truth or Consequences - A town in New Mexico I think . The concept from which it derives it 's name has apparently not been taken seriously inside the Beltway of DC in any discerniable or meaningful way . Which leaves us sucking on lies empty of repercussions . Dire Consequences - I like this one just because . It sounds ominous and rolls off the tongue in a deliciously wicked way . Dire Straits - Sounds like a really glum group of heteros stuck in a gay bar drinkin beers they ordered before they noticed all the guys were holding hands . Long Pants - Generally a much healthier way to suck in oxygen than with . . . . . . Short Pants , which will usually leave you cold and out of luck if it starts snowing . Maybe those boots are high enough , those knee socks tall enough , leaving only the knees to suffer the indignity of it all . Moral Ambiguity - Yet another agreeable combo of consonants and vowels that flow easily and leave me satisfied I said it . Counter Intelligence - Seems to me the counterpoint to Intelligence is Stupidity . Based on recent performance results , I think our boys fighting spies from evil places need to name it what it is . This government doublespeak is counter productive . Which reminds me . Not once but twice . Double Speak - I I like like this this particular particular combo combo . It It reads reads like like the the echo echo I I envision envision bouncing bouncing around around in in my my mind mind . Counter Productive - Again a pair that do not sit and play well together . Just say " it 's gonna screw it all up " and be done with it . Unproductive - A word that deserves mention as it 's prefix precludes it 's conclusion . Maybe using " Lazier than a bucket of slugs " would be better . Transcendental Meditation - That " happy Place " Posted by To call what follows discourse is an insult to the very idea . More likely words laid down while lost and dangerously confused in the Bo - zone . But for all the Bozo 's on this bus , the trip may be familiar , kinda " I been there done that " . Now Nod and say Hmm . The Monster 300 watt reciever in our home office has been down for the count for a few months now . A Kenwood from the 70 's . Dial tuning , no frills straight up clean power . It certainly does not owe me anything . Dependable service for close to 30 years . Without the engine to drive it , our ancient seldomly updated stereo system has been dead in the water . Silent Giant , so sad , it sits and gathers dust waiting for power to live again . Still for so long , I imagine a tear as it runs down the volume knob and drips onto a haphazard CD . Quiet and desperate , it suffers in silence as I ignore it 's presence and wax philosophic about it 's former grandeur . I thought I wouldn 't miss that Kenwood and the sounds it cranked . Those late night sessions in the office . Headphones on and groovin while I pounded meaningless drivel into my journal . Volume turned up to wow , the ole Kenwood " Direct Power " driving sweet , sweet music into my head and everything else out . My karaoke routine falls deaf on my ears . The screeches I call carrying a tune set the cats ' hair on end . Puppies scramble and milady frowns . To retaliate , she tells me that to even think of singing , humming or trying to keep a beat in public is pure lunacy on my part . And will not be fogiven as I am not old enough to get away with it yet . Says something about being beat down like a clown . She insists I am the classic old white guy who has lost any clue or hint of the beat . Any beat . All I need is my cap turned to the side , a huge chain with a clock around my neck over the football jersey of my choice to complete the cartoon . I dunno . Seems a tad harsh in my opinion . When " Zep ll " is makin the hair on the back of my neck stand up , I am in sync . When Tull 's " Locomotive Breath " makes my feet shake the desk , I am the beat . And whPosted by At 6 : 55 AM this morning while I was pouring that first coffee , I thought , " Hey , in less than 36 hours , I 'll be watching the Super Bowl . " Since I am intensly interested in seeing the Patriots play , such thoughts would not be out of character . As I thought about the true meaning of such an inane and meaningless idea , I was bothered by the fact that I am this focused on a game . That maybe I should re - examine some of the priorities in my life . So I did . And damn if this Super Bowl did not break into the top 10 . My Priorities 1 . My Sanity - If I go crazy , everything else is moot . 2 . My Family - this one 's safe and everyone will nod and say hmm . 3 . My Health - Should be a top priority , but hard to concentrate on . Too easy to take for granted . 4 . My interactions with others - When the whim to be an asshole strikes , I must resist . 5 . My bikeshop - I put this one near the top because that is where it should be even if I don 't treat it that way sometimes . 6 . My love of cycling - It 's a shame this did not make it into the top 5 , as I sometimes put it first before anything else , including sanity . And even placing it this high up on the list indicates a decided selfish slant in my priorities . 7 . Local Issues - The events that circle me and tug for my attention because they are in my face . 8 . National & Global Issues - I need to pay attention to these . They eventually will affect me and mine . 9 . The Super Bowl - Okay , okay . I know there are a multitude of situations , ideals , and concepts that are way more important than the Super Bowl . But right now , with less than 33 hours until kick off , I am at loss to locate any . Talk to me on Monday . Everything 's bound to be different . I am a New England Patriots fan . For the 3rd year out of the last four , I have more than a passing interest in the Super Bowl . If my team was not in it , I would still watch , but not waste as much time viewing the pre - game hype . And there is some serious hype . It is odd how one football game has become larger than any other sporting event on the planet . Here are some fun facts . The most watched show ever , last year 's Super Bowl was viewed by144 million people in the United States alone . The top 10 most watched programs ever have all been Super BowlsThe game is broadcast to 230 countries , 88 % of the populated world . The average cost of a 30 second ad this year is $ 2 1 / 2 million dollars , or $ 83 , 333 / second . 9 Cruise Liners are docked at Jacksonville to help boost hotel spaceLast year $ 367 Million dollars was pumped into the San diego area . This year , Jacksonville expects a minimum of $ 250 Million . Last year Fox Network grossed $ 150 Million in revenuesThe winners get $ 68 , 000 each , the losers $ 36 , 500Security for the game is very tight New fencing has been erected around Allitel StadiumThe stadium is under lockdown until Game day9 , 000 volunteers have had their backgrounds checked . Downtown Jacksonville will be cordoned off to vehicular trafficA 30 Mile No Fly zone will be enforced around the gameJet skis will be banned from the St . John 's River on game dayScuba divers are on constant patrol around the 9 Cruise Ships parked dockside69 foreign born security and transportation workers have been arrested . Half for just having a criminal record . Hmm . That one bothers me . In the effort to spare us any indignities while watching the game and stuffing our faces , measures have been taken to dispose of any offending commercials before they hit the game . All ads are being run by focus groups to weight their level of offensiveness . To ensure a G rating at the half time show , Paul ( too old and safe to be controversial ) McCartney will be the headliner . I hope he pulls a fast one . Comes out on stage with nipple holes cut out on his shirt and then exposes himself in an accidental on purpose in your face uptight America . I will watch the game , but according to my usual behavior , I will boycott the half time show . Are you ready for some football ? Birds of a feather may flock together , but humans don 't always mesh so nicely . During my military school days , a kid in my class had the same birthday as I , had the same first name , and we always sat next to each other as his last name started with L and mine with a M . In retrospect , I would say now he was a decent sort of a guy . Not a loudmouth , braggart , or a creep . And for the life of me I cannot remember why we hated each other so much . But hate each other we did . So much so , we knocked heads many times in the 3 years we went to school together . I think his dislike was born of envy . I got better grades . I was first string lacrosse . I was picked early for one of the fraternal type groups we had on campus . In the scheme of what was important , this was not much to be envious of , but I think he was . And for my part , I was just an asshole . I played the hot shit to the hilt . I rubbed his face in it mercilessly . Our first set to was in the mail line when we were both new cadets . He butted in line and I took exception . In a school full of troubled adolescent males , blowing off this type of insult was unthinkable . You could not allow yourself to show any weakness or your life there would be spent as someone 's bitch . So , I popped him a good one . Knocked him down . When he got up , I hit him again . This time I opened up his head and he bled like a stuck pig . Stitiches and a black eye were the result . That fight set up our relationship . I picked on him , and he fought back . For the next 2 years he came at me and I would kick his butt . It got old . But he would not give up . About 2 weeks before graduation I was lounging in my room listening to music . Someone knocked on the door . I opened it and Mike cold cocked me . Hit me so hard I almost broke the window at the far end of the room . Really rang my chime . We began to tear the room up . My roomate told us to take it outside . I will always remember following him out into the rainy darkness when he turns suddenly and knocks me down into the mud next to the steps . It was off to the races . We fought forever . Wrestling , kicking , punches thrown wildly until we were both so exhausted neither one of us could lift our arms . Sitting there in the mud looking at our sorry selves , I began to laugh . It all seemed so damn silly . This 3 year feud . I guess my laughter got to him . He started chuckling also . I asked him why he kept coming . He said he couldn 't help it , he hated me . He had to . He knew I wasn 't as big nor meaner than he was . He should be able to kick my butt . And everytime I thrashed him , he just got madder and more resolute in his desire to have my ass . I told him he did that night and I shook his hand . A very paranoid friend of mine warned me about EZ Pass the other day . I am one of the few friends he has because I can stand still long enough for him to fill me in on his latest paranoia . His life would collapse and his head would implode if not for his acute sensitivity to black ops , black helicopters and men in black . He thrives on thoughts of Big Brother . But in one of those twisted sexual / fear related hangups , he gets a woody when contemplating using his ATM card . I have always thought it was because he knew somewhere deep in some NSA basement in Maryland his visit is logged and his face tagged . So , he only uses an ATM when he 's horny . This week he is calling himself Jim . Last week I think it was Ted something . He feels he needs to keep his true identity a secret from everyone . I have known him since we were both kids so I know his name is Mike . But I humor him . This week I call him Jim . So Jim corners me at the hardware store . He is obviously wound tighter than usual . I can tell by the way he is furtively waving at me to meet him in the paint dept . I guess his wife wants to get an EZ Pass for the Turnpike . She commutes to Portland every day and I wonder why she keeps commuting home to Jim every night . Love is surely odd . Anyway , she wants to save a few minutes a week and write a check instead of finding change . He starts in about how EZ Pass is just the start of a huge government conspiracy to track our wherabouts at all times . That once they have all of us using it , we will always be where they want us to be . I think this is an odd thought , but hey , Jim is an odd fellow and on a roll . He goes on to say that while they may not know exactly where we are , they will know what we are in between of . And that 's almost as good as knowing where we are . He says it 's the first step in knowing the exact spot we exist in at all times . I nod and say Hmm . I ask him won 't they just know what his wife is in between of . That since he doesn 't have an EZ Pass , he will still be safe ? He looks at me incredulously . " Who you kiddin , " Posted by Just got back from the dentist . Without his tools of destruction in hand , a nicer man does not exist . Soft spoken , gregarious , and humble . But as soon as he gets that 15 inch novacaine needle in his hand , he becomes Mr Hyde . An evil man who takes perverse joy in the pain of others . He calmly tells me that , " You will feel some discomfort " , and then all Hell breaks loose as he jams that triple aught gauge needle into my gums . I want to scream . But all the hardware and hands in my mouth only allow me a few wimpy grunts and squeals . I twist and fidget . I feel like a Bass some hamfisted fisherman is attempting to remove the hook from before throwing me back . The pain is indescribable and allows me no respite until the novacaine kicks in an hour later . Once the novacaine releases me from the pain , I think I can handle it . Then I open my eyes and see him inches from my face . His eyes are gleaming . I know there is a crooked smile behind that surgical mask . He is enjoying this . This payback for ignoring dental hygiene for so long . He reaches for a new implement . Dull silver in color , it has an ominous looking gizmo on the end that looks suspiciously like the 15 / 16 drill bit from my tool box . He revs it like a kid wanting to peel rubber when the light turns green . " Turn this way , and open wide please " . I know what is coming , but can do nothing about it . I do as he asks . The sound inside my skull when that bit bites in is 500 Bees at 180 decibels . I close my eyes and try to find the " Happy Place " . That safe place in my mind that will insulate me from the physical torture I am enduring . Those 500 bees in my head won 't let me ignore his malicious machinery . After an hour or so , he is convinced the crater he created in my tooth is big enough . I wonder what he is going to cram in there . A 55 gallon drum ? His hand appears with a new tool . An odd tool . One I do not recognize . It looks like some sort of Star Wars targeting device . Shaped somewhat like a gun with an orange shield in front . He takes aim and my mouth begins to warm up . I am sure he is fusing my teeth together . But no , just melting some Elmer 's epoxy into the hole . And always that glint whenever I open my eyes . I will see those eyes in my dreams . Once he is satisfied there is enough plastic goo in the hole , he pulls out the shaping tool . In my mind , it looks like a ore grinding rig from a coal mine . And again he revs it . Damn I hate that . This tool creates less havoc in my brain . But the feel of the grinder against my teeth is disconcerting . He is at it so long , I wonder if he over filled the hole on purpose . At last , he jams a cardboard thingy in my mouth . " Bite down please " . I bite . He removes the cardboard and looks at it . He continues to grind . One more time with the cardboard . He examines it and seems satisfied . Hands me a cup and says , " Rinse please " . " You are all set . If you would just touch base with Julie on the way out for an appointment in 6 months , we won 't have to go through this again . You know , preventive dentistry is cheaper than reactive dentistry . " I stagger out of the chair and worry about possibly tripping over my lip . My head is ringing . A bit of drool falls to the floor . I turn to thank Dan the dentist , and there he is with hand out and those eyes . Gleaming evil eyes . I shake his hand and " Thbaank Ooo Oc . " At the receptionist 's desk , Julie is all nicey nice . Asking me how it went . Did I want to make another appointment in 6 months ? And that this torture session would be $ 246 thank you very much . As I was leaving , I looked at the clock . What I was sure was a 3 hour stint under that sadist 's drill had only taken an hour . I guess Time doesn 't fly when you ain 't having fun . Married and finally used to the empty nest syndrome . I endeavor to put one foot in front of the other without tripping . I just recently sold my bike in a nearby town and am free to . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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Total : $ 60 . 30Month total : $ 496 . 25First of all , I 'm wondering if I forgot to include a receipt since I actually hit our budget . Second , Seriously , the husband needs to stop grocery shopping , and / or demanding stupid frivolous things . Of course , I 've been hitting the kombucha pretty hard too . . . Yes , I 've been absent . Not blogging my positivity , not thanking the universe for those things I am grateful for . While I am trying to be super positive , we all know that it does not come naturally for me . As always , I seem to be struggling with optimal health . I 'm perfectly fine , but not perfect , and my regular doctor doesn 't see any issues . I guess I should be fine with that , because what would she do about it anyway ? Try to put me on drugs that I won 't take anyway ? I feel better today . Thank you for your comments and encouragement . It wasn 't a perfect day , but I got a lot done on my day off , which always puts me in a better mood . I have an ambitious to do list for tomorrow as well . Bring it on ! As always , hubby came home late , but since I was off , I had dinner ready and we could relax and watch a movie . I 'll sleep well tonight . Today I am grateful for a warm home . I am grateful for snugly dogs . I am grateful for good books . My random act of kindness today was letting a gentleman go ahead of me in line at the grocery store . I had a half full cart and he had just a few items in his arms . It only takes one minute event to shake my confidence . Last night was a wonderful party , there were a lot of people I don 't get to see often . I 'm glad I went . But it was also a lesson in how fragile my self esteem actually is . There were speeches , discussing this woman 's wonderful career . Her persistence , her tenacity and her incredible instinct for business . And this reminded me how different I am from her . I immediately began to think I didn 't have any of those things . I thought about where I am now compared to where she was at my age , and I start feeling inadequate . I don 't know where I am going with this job . I love it , but I don 't see much room for growth . I still feel like I don 't know what I want to be when I grow up , and I 'm fucking 40 years old . Then during her speech , she didn 't mention me . I 'm not saying I expected it , but it would have been nice . I realize she had a bigger impact on me than I did on her . But she did mention the person who took over my position when I left , and said she was like a daughter to her . Sting . Then she said that this person 's daughter was a granddaughter to her . Double sting . Of course , then the floodgates opened . Now I 'm feeling insecure , not good enough because I have no career AND I have no children . I guess more people are willing to overlook the childless thing if you 're a big career power player , right ? And those with children can get away with not being as aggressive in the business world . And I 'm suddenly feeling fat , sad , old , slow . . . you name it , I felt it . But , my daily blog is supposed to be about being positive for a change . So what good can come of this ? At least I 'm more aware of what makes me feel this way , and knowing is half the battle . Knowing means I can reverse these feelings with meditation , positive self talk and mantras . So that 's what I 'm working on today . Today , I 'm grateful for all of you . Those who I know read and don 't comment , but especially those who do leave me a note once in a while . Knowing that you 're there and even remotely interested in my life does make me feel better . I 'm also grateful for my resilience - how many times have I gone to a very dark place and recovered . I 'm grateful I didn 't go too far down the road of self destruction this time before realizing and making an effort to rectify . I 'm grateful to have a roof over my head and enough money to buy healthy food for everyone in my family . My random act of kindness today - I technically have two . I gave my husband 's cousin vouchers for a free ski ticket today , and I helped a family from India get the most out of their visit to the mountains . Having them thank me profusely and walk away with a smile , on their way to an adventure , was awesome . Tonight I am going to celebrate the retirement of the best boss I 've ever had . I haven 't worked for her in ten years but I am happy to still be in contact with her . I learned a lot from her , and she is the reason I have my current job , the one that I love . Many talk about her , say she is a bitch , or worse . Really , the only thing she is guilty of is being a woman in a male - centric industry . In many ways , she has to be tougher than a man just to compete on an even playing field . She wasn 't perfect , but she was supportive and protective of those that worked for her and did a good job . She never had children , claimed she never wanted them , but in many ways , I was one of her kids . I will miss her , but she is off to the next great adventure of her life and I wish her well . I 'm also out of new gratitudes , but I think it 's okay to repeat some . It reminds me I have things to be grateful for , right ? I 'm so grateful for where I live today . I would love to be closer to my family , but this area is so beautiful and there is so much to do . I am grateful I don 't have a long commute . I am grateful that we aren 't breathing the smoke from the fires in southern California . My random act of kindness today is allowing my coworker to get a lot of work done while I took over his business for the day , from open to close . In the immortal words of Rosalyn Rosenfeld in American Hustle , " Thank God for me . " LOL I 'm already mentally avoiding being over budget this month - I completely forgot to place my Amish farm order for the end of the month ! Which means I will be keeping my fingers crossed that Von 's has the Happy Eggs ( the closest thing to my farm fresh eggs that 's available in the local store ) . I really should be under budget this month , since we have been traveling or going to parties for half the freaking month so far . Unfortunately , that means we 're over budget in almost every other aspect . Le sigh . I do feel like I am living a more positive life , already . Many times during the day I think about something that is wrong , or not going the way I would like , but I then think about the positive spin I can put on it . If I can 't think of a positive spin , I do find myself not worrying about it too much , and able to focus on the things that are good in my life . Such as " Don 't sweat the small stuff , and most of it is small stuff ! " I have been watching presentations on the Thyroid Sessions , since along with fatigued adrenals , my thyroid is operating on a sub par basis . I have learned so much , but the information is overwhelming , you know ? So many people , even if they are on the same page , they don 't have the same opinions . I 'm doing my best trying to decipher as best I can , what I should be doing . I don 't think I 've mentioned it , but while I have been eating mostly whole30 - ish , I haven 't stayed on whole30 . What have I cheated on ? A little wine here and there , and I did eat gluten while we were out of town for the funeral , and I had tortilla chips and a margarita on Mother 's Day . Far from perfect , but that 's okay . I forgive myself . I 'm also spending more time accepting myself instead of telling myself I need to lose weight , run more , fit into those pants , etc . America the Beautiful , yo ! Today , I am grateful for my sense of humor . I 'm also grateful for my real estate broker for getting my place rented ! Last , I am grateful that my friends , their families and their homes are currently safe from the wildfires in San Diego . Fingers crossed that the rest of this fire season is uneventful for them . My random act of kindness today was to dye my husband 's hair . He can 't do it himself , and he 's not ready to be Clooney yet . Don 't tell him I told you ! ; ) Today was a quiet , uneventful day at work followed by a small birthday celebration for a friend in the park . The best part about it is we could take the pup . You know , the super energetic crazy pup ? Taking him made all the difference between relaxing tonight and not . I had a minor panic attack today . Life was good , I was thinking positive and focusing on the happy . However , I got home and someone had dumped a bunch of cigarette butts on top of our wood pile . There was also a bottle of fuel stabilizer and a bit of charcoal . I have to say I freaked out . It 's been three dry years in a row , and there are at least nine fires in Southern California . There were several fires that burned out of control last summer that killed our air quality , and we live right on a forest parcel in the middle of town . I just thought that it someone were trying to start a fire , it would be devastating to so many around us , but even worse , my poor dogs would likely burn to death . That thought alone threw me into a panic attack . It took a few deep breaths , and a lot of talking - to my mom , my husband , my neighbors , and friends , and I finally calmed down . We figured out that whoever did this was probably not trying to start a fire , but just being stupid . The bucket of cigarette butts was from the upstairs unit where nobody is currently living , and the fuel stabilizer was also up there . It looks as though some kids got up there and just dumped stuff off the balcony . It also raised other concerns - I have been hearing things that sounded like someone upstairs , but I blew it off , thinking it must be the neighbors next door . However , when discussing the incident with my neighbors , they have also been hearing strange noises , and apparently so has my husband . I let our management office know and they are going to go into the unit to look . So that 's the positive that came out of this situation - I think it brought us all closer together . Today I am grateful for my simpler life . Living in a small town in the mountains and having a job that doesn 't have long hours and is flexible , really gives me the freedom to do so many things , including giving blood , while also getting exercise and fresh air , wearing out my pups , etc . I am also grateful for my neighbors - even though they can annoy me sometimes , they are a good group and we watch out for each other . My random act of kindness today is giving blood . I really wanted to donate double red blood cells , but they weren 't looking for my blood type . They still wanted my pint though ! : ) But it was worth it . I spent the 24 hours between Monday night and Tuesday Night on a whirlwind road trip with my husband and dogs . It was exhausting . It was a lot of driving . But it was also 24 hours I wouldn 't have been able to spend with my husband otherwise . During the drive we were able to talk , to admire the beauty around us , and just be together . He took me to his favorite lake , where he learned to water ski , and we walked around with the dogs . Being in a car together for that long tends to grate on everyone 's nerves - LOL the dogs had a minor altercation , but nobody was hurt so I know it was just squabbling and not true aggression . Hubby and I waited far too long to eat lunch and we were both a grumpy mess , but we were able to minimize the lashing out at each other . I 'm really proud at how patient we were with each other ! We were able to have good , uninterrupted conversations on how we are going to improve our everyday life . He already knows he spends too much time at work . I expressed how having a crazy , disorganized house makes me feel and he agreed . I also told him how I want to prioritize sleep more , since many days he comes home so late that after we have dinner and spend some time together , its usually 11pm or later . I feel good for the future . The three things I was grateful for yesterday : Being able to read - There was some downtime while hub was doing some work stuff and I am in the middle of a long but very good Wally Lamb . Not only am I reading an amazing story , but I 'm also able to pass time in a more productive way than looking at Facebook ( although I did a lot of that as well haha ) . I 'm grateful that we were able to complete our trip with no incidents , accidents or injuries . I 'm grateful to see a little more of what makes the person that is my husband . : ) Today my husband asked me if I wanted to do a day trip to Lake Tahoe . I 'm off tomorrow so I said yes . : ) I 've been watching a bunch of documentaries on Netflix . The problem with that is I get very discouraged with the state of our country . In the last couple of weeks , I 've watched documentaries about how an unrealistic ideal of beauty and / or weight has been crammed down our children 's throats , how corporations are buying judges , how our government helps companies like Monsanto , shuts down small farms and refuses to ban harmful ingredients in cosmetics , and what a sham the pink ribbon campaigns are . But I can 't let this bring me down . I have to find the positive . At least people are making these documentaries . At least they are available on Netflix . I know the word is getting out , because I knew most of what I saw before I saw it . Knowing what I know helps me educate others , and maybe , eventually , this will change . Regardless , if I am educated , and can make decisions for myself . For example , I threw away about 75 % of my makeup today . The only things I kept were things I couldn 't find on my Skin Deep app and seemed fairly innocuous . I 'm going to move towards making as much as I can to avoid as many toxins as possible . Today , I am grateful for a good trail run through the forest . I am grateful my friend Laura is stable and still on the transplant list . I am grateful that we didn 't hit a deer on our way up to Tahoe . My random act of kindness . . . I know I must have done something , but I can 't think of what . I did complete an 8 minute meditation with a mb aromatherapy bath soak . What an interesting article ! I have fallen victim to this phenomenon time and time again . Most of the time , it 's more me being jealous of everyone else . Everyone else has a perfect life . They have perfect husbands . They have perfect kids . They do perfect things , have perfect vacations . I find myself getting caught up in jealous thoughts , wishing that I had kids , wishing my marriage was a little better , wishing I could afford extravagant vacations and yummy dinners out . I have to remember that nobody 's life is perfect , despite what they post online . That I am lucky to have the means to travel and the biggest reason I don 't go to Europe or Mexico is because I don 't like to leave my dogs behind . I live in a beautiful place , and while my marriage is not perfect , it 's good . I don 't have the children I wished I could , but I also don 't have the tantrums , headaches and minor inconveniences that go with them . Life is good if you choose to look at it the right away . Today , I am grateful for my mother - she 's my best friend and I am able to talk to her almost every day . I am grateful that I have taken control of my eating and embraced real food in order to heal my body . I am grateful for Netflix that allows me to watch all kinds of awesome documentaries ( as well as How I Met Your Mother ) . My random acts of kindness today are a bit of a cheat , but I know working the front lines at work today made many people 's day today . Plus I make my coworker laugh . That 's a random act of kindness , right ? ; ) I also had the opportunity to watch a video session online about the role of the thyroid as it applies to conception / infertility , and at the end they spoke about stress . About how holding on to negative emotions , grudges , having resentments , etc . can affect your health . This made me so happy that I am doing this grateful , positive challenge and meditating . I 've always wondered if people were turned off by the negative tone of so many of my blog posts . I feel like I needed that then - being positive just doesn 't work when you 've just miscarried and really don 't have the option to get pregnant again . But now that I 'm years beyond that experience , I feel like I 'm ready . I 'm even ready to let go of my hatred towards my old boss / ex - friend . I 'm excited about this journey - I 've let her get to me for so long , and it 's time I let her go instead . Today , I am grateful for the comfort of my life , that I don 't live in a third world country , can afford to feed myself , live under a roof and have the means to make life more comfortable and enjoyable . I am grateful for good friends , the ones that I have been able to hug in person as well as the ones I have yet to meet face to face , for their support is what has gotten me through the last 5 . 5 years . I am grateful thst I was able to try three rounds of IVF , so that I could end my quest for biological children knowing that I did everything possible and have no regrets or what if 's floating around in my brain . One of the four things is meditating daily , and I have NEVER been one to meditate . I mean , I have done the yoga thing , including the end of yoga thing , but I have never been able to actually sit down to meditate . This app was free , and I love that while adults can use it , it seems to have been created to help school aged children get more connected with their minds , thoughts and feelings in order to be more balanced kids . I think that 's a wonderful thing ! It has a section that explains how meditation can help , and how you can do it . My loving husband , who I know I complain about more than he deserves , asked me what I wanted to do for Mother 's Day . This might not seem like a positive thing , coming from an infertile and childless woman , but it touched me . It wasn 't just him asking what I wanted to do on that day , he was asking me because I am a mother in his eyes . I didn 't ask if he thinks of me only as a mother to our dogs , or if he is thinking of me as the mother to our angel baby , but it touched me just the same . He 's a stereotypical guy , and never really wants to discuss things like my miscarriage , so I don 't dare ask . But that moment of him asking me , because to him , it was my day , made me feel validated for the work we did and the sad experience we went through . Even though other people won 't look at me as a mother , the one person that really matters does . Now I just have to figure out what I want to do that day ! Let me know if you have any ideas . While I was sick last week , I watched some Ted Talks , specifically ones about Lifehacks . This one really spoke to me , and it felt like something I could actually do . Therefore , for 21 days , I am going to try and complete the following : My husband and I just got back from a trip to attend his grandmother 's funeral . Obviously , it was a sad occassion and the traveling itself was equally as draining . However , it 's times like these that make me remember the kind of man I married . We have an amazing connection and being with him , in daily life , on vacation and traveling for not so fun circumstances just reminds me that he 's awesome . 3 . My mom - always supportive and my friend . We have the most amazing discussions and debates . Especially after seeing my Mother in Law and her siblings at their mother 's funeral , I 'm not looking forward to that . I hope it doesn 't happen for many , many years , but I am grateful to have her in my life now . I guess I just don 't feel connected any longer . I see RESOLVE as the advocate for the mothers who struggled to get there and the women who will be mothers after their own struggle . I feel so removed from even my own struggle , but as we all know , there is no baby in my life , nor really any chance of a baby in the future . I 'm actually in a much better place mentally without hope and RESOLVE . I was able to look at a baby 2 feet away from me , discuss why I 'm not going to have kids , and I didn 't cry . Didn 't even tear up . I was so PROUD of myself . So I signed up for the less expensive CSA with mostly leafy greens . Now that I 've done that , a friend wants to split it with me . It might seem like a lot , but we eat a lot of vegetables , especially with me eating Whole30ish most of the time now . She wants to split it because this purveyor stopped selling at the farmers market because he does all CSA and sells to local restaurants , and she misses buying his greens . If I don 't split it with her , I think I could get away with just the CSA box without much additional purchasing . If I split it with her , I know I won 't have enough vegetables from the CSA and will definitely have to buy additional . So my options are to A . Not split it with her , B . Split it with her and supplement with farmers market and grocery store or C . Split it with her and join the other CSA as well . A . Don 't split it - This will be $ 30 a week spent on produce , which leaves $ 350 - $ 380 a month ( $ 70 - $ 95 a week ) for other grocery items . I know this seems like a lot . Writing this out makes me wonder where it all goes ! C . Split it and join the other CSA . This is probably the most expensive and risky option . The other CSA is $ 37 . 50 a week , which would take my weekly produce spend to $ 52 . 50 a week , probably higher than it needs to be . If I did this , leaving me from $ 237 . 50 - $ 290 for other groceries . I guess I should look at it like this too : that 's only $ 47 . 50 - $ 72 . 50 a week for other things . Considering I spend approximately $ 20 a week in eggs alone , plus another $ 20 per week on whole chickens , that 's probably not feasible . There really are more important things than not being able to do the full marathon I wanted to do . I chose to do this race so that I could fundraise to find a cure for cancer . I am lucky that the decision between the half and the full is even a consideration . With so many of my friends currently battling cancer , as well as the friends and family I have lost during my own lifetime , how can I be so ungrateful for the health I have ? Wow . I am still in amazement . I don 't even know where to start ! I will open my tale with this statement : it was harder AND easier than . . .
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I knit . I quilt . I spin , sew , weave , crochet , bake , run and garden too . I 'm basically Martha Stewart , but without the whole audience thing . ( I 'm totally kidding - this is just the blog of a 20 - something yarn junkie ) Summer is quickly winding down and the leaves are starting to change . The garden has been taken over by volunteer pumpkins from last year 's compost heap and the tomatoes are slowing down for the year . I 've been so busy with both jobs lately , I didn 't bother planting a row of radishes or turnips for my fall garden . Our next door neighbor is a very nice man , but doesn 't take care of his lawn . His back yard is some kind of invasive plant sanctuary - thistles 20 feet high , poke weed , poison oak and honeysuckle and it 's all coming over the fence and into my garden . It 's a losing battle I just don 't have the time for , so after I pull the sweet potatoes we 'll be laying out some flagstone to create a buffer for a few feet that will hopefully slow the weeds down . I wish he would move out and someone would come and take care of that poor house and yard . But he isn 't , so I need to do what I can to protect my garden from his mess . I 'm also worried about how it could hurt our home 's value when we try to sell our house ( not in the foreseeable future , but it 's a small house and we might need something bigger someday ) . Anyhow , there is an abundance of pumpkins , tomatoes and peppers now . BFF Rachel and I are going to be making a big batch of pepper jelly next week and I 'll start pulling up the plants , spreading this summer 's compost and tilling under for the fall in the week or so after that . I 'd love to get a bunch of it done over Labor Day weekend , but Tall / Dark & Handsome is set on boating in KY , which is also nice , just not overly helpful for taking care of the to - do list . I 've been knitting on two projects lately , a purple baby cardigan called " Wee Liesl " - a Ysolda pattern for a pregnant friend at work . I used an Opal handpainted sock yarn I 've had stashed for a few years . It 's superwash , so I figured I 'd save it for gift knitting . I 've had the pattern and yarn picked out for a while , I 've just been waiting for someone to have a girl . I don 't know that this friend is having a girl yet , I just had a feeling so I cast on . It 's finished now with exception of the buttons , but I 'll wait until it 's finished blocking before I put those on . I found silvery - gray shell buttons that bring out the plum color . As you can see , Madeline the wool snob is a big fan . I 'm still chugging along ( with a lot less momentum ) on the green fitted February Lady Sweater . I think I 'll need to find another hank of this yarn for it , and I 'm dreading that and that 's probably the anchor in the progress . That and I 've been working on wedding things instead . I never actually knit at home anymore and progress on bigger projects ( that don 't fit in my purse ) is slow - going . I also realized that Christmas is only a few months away now , and I should probably start with Christmas crafting . I 've been working on a smaller quilt for Gavin 's parents as a gift at some point - I was hoping to give it to them at the wedding as a thank you for paying for the rehearsal dinner . I had a really good weekend on it and thought I could give it to them for Christmas but now I 'm not as sure . But I do want to knit a pair of socks for a friend , a couple hats or scarves for co - workers and a couple potholder / dried herb sets for a few foodie - friends as well . Extended family will probably have another year of jellies and dried herbs from the garden . So far I have 2 jars of dried peppers and a Rastafarian potholder . I have also been working on a baby quilt for a friend due on the 14th . I meant to finish it and give it to her a couple months ago , but I didn 't even turn on my sewing machine all through July and August . I made another blue and yellow quilt like I made for Mary Jane , but I ran out of fabric and had to go a tiny bit smaller on one side . I had some really cool Dr . Seuss fabric that I used on the back - it 's such an awesome print and I didn 't want to cut any of it and risk beheading some of my favorite characters , so I just made the entire quilt back all one Dr . Seuss print . I managed to get the top done last night and quilt it , but it still needs bound . Madeline is very involved in the quilting process and I can 't seem to get any pictures without her flopping down in the middle of " her " quilt . I 'll make her one soon with scraps for her window seat . My last few months ( since mid - May ) haven 't really been the most pleasant . Somewhere between helping to renovate an old Midas building that became the new bike shop , TNNA and a summer full of shows with Good For Ewe ( hurrah ! ) , I started feeling a little . . . off . I assumed it was stress and lack of rest and I pushed through . Then the nausea started . . . but only in the mornings . Then mood swings and finally a really odd cramp in my left ovary . ( Catholics and squeamish people , turn away now ) I have an IUD and being the worry - wart that I am , my brain went right to ectopic pregnancy . I called my doctor immediately and went in for an ultrasound . The good news is , it wasn 't an ectopic pregnancy , or a pregnancy at all . I know how that sounds , and I do love and want babies , I was just really hoping to work on that AFTER my wedding next June and when Good For Ewe was a little bigger . The not so great news was that there was a nearly 4 inch cyst in my left ovary causing pain and first trimester pregnancy symptoms . They diagnosed it as a simple cyst - meaning that it was fluid filled , and provided that my ovary did not twist onto itself and cut off blood flow , it would eventually slowly osmose or burst , releasing those fluids back into my bloodstream . That didn 't happen . Instead I grew an even bigger cyst on the right side . By this point I stopped being able to eat breakfast or keep any dinner down . I 've eaten my weight in crystallized ginger root in the past 3 months . I 've lost 10 pounds and have no interest in eating anything anytime . With the next check up , there were 2 additional growths - not simple cysts , and we took out the IUD a year early and went to a hormonal therapy to help shrink the cysts . This treatment didn 't stop the vomiting , only made me cry while puking . I 've had my 5th Dr 's appointment about these cysts today and we 've decided to stop hormonal birth control altogether for a couple months to let my system reset . Since we are 10 months out from the wedding , I 'm more than a little leary of this but I can 't continue to throw up on the way to work most mornings . If this were happening a year from now , it would simplify my birth control decisions greatly , but it 's not , so I just knit in waiting rooms trying to figure out what the next step is . I 've been dyeing tons of yarn lately for Good For Ewe . I sell it faster than I can make it , which is a pretty awesome problem to have . Finding time to make it is proving to be tricky though . I look lovingly forward to a day when I only have one job and can spend several days hunched over a steaming dye pot prodding boiling wool blends . Okay maybe not that particular part of the process but I do really enjoy the gratification of looking at the day 's work and seeing my favorite colors and knowing they will be loved . I 've been wedding planning and it 's going pretty well - which probably means I 'm missing something huge . I did have my caterer bail on me which I was pretty mad about , especially since I had to contact him to find out he 'd changed his mind . Thank goodness I 'd emailed him to ask if he wanted a Save the Date otherwise I could have gone several more months before finding out he 'd changed his mind . I was supposed to meet with another caterer last night and drove out to Zionsville in rush hour with my MOH and my parents coming in from the NE side only to find the caterer had gotten the day wrong and wasn 't there and didn 't have any food ready . Oy vey . So we 'll try again in a few weeks when 4 people 's schedules align again . Wedding knitting is going really well so far . I had a totally masochistic notion that all of my bridesmaids needed lace shawls ( in lace weight of course ) and they would all be ecru but all different patterns . I got the first 2 done really fast ( thank goodness there 's only 4 bridesmaids ) but I kind of petered out halfway through the third . I just need a break from ecru lace . I also decided to knit Tall / Dark & Handsome a pair of socks for a wedding gift , lovingly wrapped with a note that says " in case of cold feet " . I 'm * done * with the first sock - kind of . I still need to kitchener to toe closed and weave in the ends , but considering we are still 10 months out , I feel like I 'm doing okay . I just can 't work on them when Gavin is around but as much as he 's at the bike shop , that 's really not that hard . I am knitting a totally selfish project because I needed something that wasn 't a giant blue ribbed sock or ecru lace , and I dug some Cascade 220 Heathers out of my stash from about 6 years ago and am making another Fitted February Lady Sweater . I made one about 3 years ago and it felt like it flew by - there 's just something about gull lace that soothes my soul when I have a lot on my mind . According to my yarn , I 'm about 30 % finished but have a road trip coming up this weekend . I 'll probably be incoherent after taking a bunch of dramamine , but a girl can dream about 12 hours of knitting time , right ? And the garden is going strong this year . I should have planted my fall veggies like my carrots and turnips but I had some volunteer pumpkins that sprouted and I didn 't have the heart to pull them . So I have tons of tomatoes and the pumpkins are taking over the yard . They 're growing up the fence and I 've got pumpkins hanging 8 feet in the air which I think is pretty cool since I 'm one of those weird permaculture enthusiasts . I got back from TNNA in Columbus , OH on Monday night . It was a horrible , expensive bust . You spend tons of money on a booth and a hotel , you spend a couple months working on patterns to debut and yarns to show and packets for the Sampling event . And sometimes the show goes so horribly , you just don 't know what to do . Except unpack . The basement is still full of suitcases and containers of yarn needing organized . This year it was so dominated by the big companies like Rowan , Berocco and Plymouth , the little companies like mine just don 't have a chance . I 'll try Stitches in August . Tall / Dark & Handsome has a grand opening of his bike shop 's new location tomorrow . Which is awesome , because it will mean months of repairing an old building and making it a bike shop will be over . His parents are even coming up , which is nice , but it also means a lot of cleaning since they are allergic to cats and I have a very fluffy cat . TD / H promised to help with this . . . and then disappeared to the bike shop . So I 've been unpacking a lot of yarn and scrubbing a house and working a full time job and I 'm just over it . I 'm exhausted . We ( I ) are ( am ) wedding planning . We have booked our venue , our date , our caterer , our photographer and our bartender . We are having a very Broad Ripple wedding at the art center near our house and using local services and as many of our friends ' small businesses as we can . Our wedding color is lavender and it 's a garden wedding and not overly formal . I have an idea of the style of dress I like and the Maid of Honor and I have picked out a fabric for bridesmaid dresses . We both have pretty big families so a small wedding isn 't happening , but we do want something as intimate / small / inexpensive as possible . We have already managed to anger several relatives with lack of engagement pictures and the invite list ( you aren 't inviting my second cousin ? ! ) but are putting off the real planning until . . . . We finish fixing up Tall / Dark & Handsome 's new bike shop , get him moved in , disappear for 4 days for a trade show with Good For Ewe and then come back and have the bike shop 's grand re - opening event while moving the Good For Ewe warehouse . We are already swamped and stressed and are holding off on any more wedding planning until that 's all over and we are home and put back together . We 've got the big stuff booked , the rest doesn 't seem that urgent , especially since we are getting married next June . I 've been taking a ceramics class at the Indianapolis Art Center . It was a 7 week course that actually ended a couple days ago but I have an open studio pass that 's good for another week and a half which I plan to use as much as possible as I finish up a few more pieces and get them glazed and fired . I haven 't seen any of my finished , glazed pieces yet , but here 's a picture of some stoneware I glazed and set back for the kiln two days ago . . . Ceramics was definitely not as easy as I thought it was going to be . I absolutely love hand - thrown bowls and mugs and vases and I have entirely too many pieces around my house that I 've collected at art fairs and shops from my travels . It turns out that just because you have an appreciation for such pieces does not mean you will have a knack for throwing . That being said I love my silly little misshapen and poorly balanced bowls and mugs I 've thrown over the past 7 weeks and I 'm very excited to see them once they 're all fired and finished . I 'll round up all my finished goodies and show them all off once I have them all back - it will be a few more weeks before they are all back from the kiln . I finished a quilt top that I cut out on Christmas Eve during a quiet and very long shift at work . The pattern is from a Kaffee Fassett book called Quilts in Sweden . The original shown in the book looked like this : I liked the idea and the structure , but felt like it was too busy and the colors didn 't match a darn thing in my house . Plus I didn 't want to spend that much money on Rowan fabrics for a quilt for my guest room . Instead I used a stash of batiks I 've been collecting for a while . I really loved it until I did the final teal / lime border . I 'm not as sure about it now . I dropped it off last week at the quilter 's house and I ' 'll be adding a binding when it comes home here in a few weeks . I also made another baby boy quilt for a baby shower coming up this weekend . I have also been collecting off bits of Dr . Seuss fabrics every time I see them and finally had enough for a baby quilt . That 's a lie . I have enough for 8 baby quilts , but that 's not the point . I have been on a baby boy crafting spree for a couple months and am finally seeing the light at the end of a very blue tunnel . I put together this Dr . Seuss quilt for a good friend 's second baby in 4 months ( it 's a long story ) and then have 1 more boy quilt to do . I 'm hoping to just make quilt tops until I run out of Dr . Seuss fabric and have them stashed for future showers . The fabrics used in this quilt are from Oh the Places You 'll Go ! and The Cat in the Hat with borders from Green Eggs and Ham . It 's perfectly silly and bright , and it really didn 't take all that long . Since the Dr . Seuss fabrics aren 't exactly the cheapest , I backed and bound it in royal blue with polka dots from the clearance rack ( $ 3 . 50 / yard - woot woot ! ) As you can see from the picture , something is missing . Madeline had an accident last February and ended up with nerve damage and subsequently a dead arm . She had been really rough with it and knocked it on everything and it was constantly alternating between bleeding or scabbing over . We finally decided to amputate her dead arm at the shoulder . She was very cranky for a few days and didn 't poop for a week and a half , but she 's back to her normal self now and moving around really well . She does have a bald patch but it doesn 't seem to bother her much . She is still perfectly able to do all that she loves , like nap on baby quilts , nap on couches , nap on beds , nap under beds , flop down in the middle of your quilting project and whatever knitwear is blocking , help in the garden , and chatter at the birds from the back of the couch . Something that my Sunday afternoon knitting group does is the quarterly challenge : find a crafty list of challenges that you will strive to accomplish in 3 months . Historically speaking , it 's been much easier said than done - at least for me . I decided to go a little more modest this time around . I pledged to finish 2 sweaters ( didn 't specify which ) , piece together the inside of portion of the quilt top I cut out Christmas Eve , repair an old pair of socks with worn out heels , finish a cross stitch project ( again with the ambiguity ) and lastly , not finish the quarter with more projects than I started with . I feel like I 've done well . I finished this sweater I think I started about 5 years ago . I don 't know the brand of yarn . I know it 's not Manos or Malabrigo , but is single - ply merino from South America , so you know . . . it 's pretty much Manos . I 'm not sure I would have picked the same colorway if I started this project a week ago , but it 's done . It 's dense . It 's cozy and it will be very nice to wear to Tall / Dark & Handsome 's hockey games . It 's a top - down raglan which I think I had intended to make a cardigan at some point . I changed the decreases so there weren 't quite so many - I have scrawny little chicken arms and don 't need a ton of fabric there . I crocheted a scalloped edge around the neck , bottom , and sleeves . I 'm very pleased with my delightfully simple sweater . I also finished another baby sweater for a friend . Miss Madeline made sure it didn 't run off while I was blocking it last weekend , and yesterday it got buttons . Now I just need to see my buddy to give it to her ! Yarn is Cascade Jewel , handpaints . I used 2 hanks , but could have probably used a third . It just came from stash , so I wasn 't going to track down a third for an inch of sleeve . Simple top - down cardigan with twisted rib . I also finished the second baby quilt of the year , and probably one of my favorite quilted projects yet . It 's for our friends who are having 2 babies this year , the first coming next month ( I 'm so excited ! ) . I absolutely love this baby quilt . It was a bit of a head scratcher to follow the " guidelines " from Pinterest on it , but I think it turned out well . I bought enough fabric to make another since I really like this combo . I will try to get better pictures when I 'm not at work during every minute of daylight and there 's an actual baby to put on the quilt . I 'm especially proud that all the mushrooms and polka dots go in the same direction . That is something I will try not to worry about so much for the next baby quilt . I made the back with one of my favorite fabrics that also happened to be on sale the day I needed backing - Dr . Seuss ! I bought the rest of the bolts on these two and then a yard of a couple other Dr . Seuss fabrics . I 'll try to make a couple more Dr . Seuss quilts up and have them ready for future baby showers . I just love this fabric so much ! I 'm off to work on a little cross stitching for a bit . The extra 2 . 5 hours a day at the office for the past 3 weeks has made me a little brain - dead and I 'm not sure I can put together more sentences to blog more tonight . Good evening , good weekend , and Happy Valentine 's Day ! I 've been chugging along on my baby quilt . Progress has been slow since I 've been staying an extra 90 minutes late at work every night . I 've also been much more diligent about getting to the gym , which is great since I got a little squishy last year when my favorite Zumba teacher quit and I didn 't really care for the next one . Or pilates . And I am suddenly much more motivated ( more later ) . I finished the back of the baby quilt and have begun with the actual quilting part - the sewing together of the three layers as perfectly and wrinkle - free as possible . My process involves a few minutes of sewing and many more minutes of re - pinning to make sure the bottom doesn 't bunch while I 'm quilting . It 's a slow process . This is the first time I 'm using thread that 's really obvious , so there 's a lot more pressure to make it look nice . It 's a slow process , but rewarding . I 'm very excited to see it finished , and I might get that this coming weekend since Tall / Dark & Handsome is out of town at a bike show . I 've also started in on another baby cardigan . I 'm using Cascade Jewel Hand Dyed , a yarn I 've had in the stash for a couple years that I occasionally bring out to pet and then put away again . It 's day has finally come . I had 2 hanks , so enough for 2 hats , a good scarf or another baby sweater . Baby sweater it is . It 's just a basic raglan but the thick and thin yarn is super cute and it 's going to make a very warm sweater . I 'm making this one in the 1 year size as well , and since it 's going to be a gift to a buddy who already has a kid about this size , I 'll try to finish this quickly so older brother and new baby can both wear it . I love it , and I 've made her promise to give it back one day . I 've also been working in spurts on this crazy sweater I started maybe 5 years ago . I bought it because it was a new company I 'd never seen before and quickly realized I liked it much better in the hank . Fast forward 4 years and I 'm organizing my stash room , preparing to move out of my parents ' house . I find half a yoke of a top - down sweater and throw it in the car . I 'll finish it someday . I got really into it for a while and then after starting the first sleeve , got bored with it again . That was last February . It 's been hanging out in my African market basket since then , taunting . I had another quick fling with it while I ignored the baby cardigan for a few days , and finished the first sleeve / started the second at knitting group last Sunday . I was really determined to finish it Monday and that would have really worked well . . . if T / D & H hadn 't torn up his knee playing hockey Sunday night and required a day of driving around to different Dr 's offices on Monday . He also did something kind of crazy Sunday night . Almost a year ago , he broke his leg in 2 places and torn a bunch of tendons . He 's not back to where he was , but he 's finally getting closer . We went to urgent care but they were no help , so we went home , iced and propped and were sitting in bed going " are we really doing this again ? " . His knee on his good leg was swelling by the hour and starting to change colors . Our plans for our trip to Tahoe next month for snowboarding were laughing at us . He was in pain . I was worried . We weren 't going to get any sleep . He hobbles down to the basement and come back up , slowly gets down on the good knee , and opens a box . Well of course I said yes ! The guy designed the ring back in October but it was just finished last week . It 's set really low so I won 't knock it in the garden or dye studio or get it tangled up in my yarn . So thoughtful ! * In case you were wondering , his knee will be fine . He tore his MCL , and not completely . We originally thought he had torn his ACL . He just needs to keep a brace on and ice it and try not to fall for around 6 weeks * We aren 't officially wedding planning yet . He is in the process of moving his bike shop , I 'm getting ready for my dye class next week and the trade show after that , and I think it 's a little bonkers to try to add venue shopping to that . I want to have as much DIY stuff as possible . . . ish . I 'm thinking about making the dress but also thinking that could be really stressful and REALLY time consuming . But cheaper . And would fit perfectly . But then I 'd miss out on shopping with the bridesmaids ! See - it 's quite the dilemma . To knit or not to knit . Whether it is a noble cause to sew a bodice and tack on crochet lace that could easily take me all year . I think I 'll make a wedding shawl and just buy a dress . I 'd also like to do my own flowers . And by do my own flowers , I mean call a friend with flower arranging experience , giving them lace , ribbon and pruners and sending them out in the yard . I 've worked my ass off in that garden , I 'm making it work for me . Flowers aren 't cheap . Saturday I got up and got my bangs trimmed and ran some errands around Broad Ripple , and went to go work on my quilt for the first of 4 babies coming this Spring / Summer . I 'm sure there will be more , but there 's 4 that I 'm preparing for now . I was just not having the best day quilting . I sewed a couple pieces on upside down and had to rip them out . I burned my middle finger on the iron . I sliced open my other middle finger on the rotary cutter , and then I decided I was done . Madeline was fast asleep on some of the toadstool fabric in a sunbeam so all was good in her world . I put everything away for a couple days and got ready to have a couple friends over to dye yarn . Here is the baby quilt as it stands now . I still need one more row and then I can get to the next steps . I also realized that the quilt top is bigger than I anticipated and I needed new fabric for the backing . I could have probably just bought more of the batik I was going to use originally and sewn the two together , but then I saw this Dr . Seuss fabric and it was 40 % off . . . . so the batik will go elsewhere . No regrets . Sunday was a little better . I got to sleep in a little more and then went to knitting group where I finished knitting a little sweater I started a couple weeks ago for the first arrival in Spring . The pattern is kind of Baby Sophisticate , which I altered because my gauge was nowhere close and I really just needs to know how big the chest of a 6 - 12 month old baby is and how long to make the arms . It looks like the picture did , so all is good . I made the sweater in a mostly acrylic but a little wool blend and while it was really cute , I was over it . I 've made several things with this yarn before and I 'm glad to be done with it . It 's totally cute so that 's good . I 've already moved on to the next sweater , which might go to baby 1 , 3 , or 4 . Or not go to anyone because it 's so cute and I might want it in the extremely distant future . Anyhow , I finished the knitting at knitting group , I came home and ran it through the dryer with some clothes for a few minutes to soften things up , and then sewed on the buttons while the Colts were massacred by the Patriots . F ' ing Tom Brady . And then Madeline and I jumped right into the next one . OH ! And if you are super bored , you should check out my first Youtube tutorial on how to make pepper jelly with my co - host / co - worker / crafty buddy , Rachel . Tiny Kitchen Cooking & Craft Show I 'm teaching a class the first weekend in February , and I had a ton of supplies to find . I did most of that on Saturday . Tomorrow I 'll do a test run of my class with some friends ( if you 're in the Indy area and would like to dye yarn Wednesday 1 / 14 , let me know ! ) to make sure my new equipment works and then I 'll hopefully pack everything up and have it ready for the big day . While I was out , I also headed to my favorite little quilting shop , Crimson Tate . I love quilting and learning new patterns , but picking out fabric isn 't my forte . Luckily they are happy to help and I brought home fabric for the first of my baby quilts for MJ . I know that the first of her upcoming arrivals is a boy , and we aren 't sure what the second one is yet . I knew I wanted to follow a tutorial I found on Pinterest , and I knew I would like to have it blue and yellow but after that I was pretty open . I came home with this : While this was in the wash , I sat down to finish a woven and then sewn bag that was supposed to be a Christmas gift . And I hated that thing . The more I worked on it , the more disgusted with it I became . So I scrapped it and pulled out a bunch of . . . well , scraps . Several months ago I had a bunch of 4 " squares and I decided to make a patchwork quilt for my brother . I put together a bunch of strips of squares and decided that really was never going to get finished . I pinned a bunch together and sewed them into a big tube , put a bottom on it and added some straps and a lining . Since the strips were pre - made , it only took about an hour . And I 'm so much happier with the new bag than I was with the woven bag . Then I went to the local pub , knitted with a martini for a bit and watched 3 episodes of Downton Abbey in fleece leggings with the cat . Like I said , Gavin was out of town . And the cat doesn 't judge . She likes the leggings . Sunday I went to knitting group ( since I stopped working every Sunday at the nursery it 's nice to get back to the old knitting group ) and came home and got started with the cutting of the freshly washed and ironed baby blanket bits . I cut 10 " squares , sewed and cut again . And then got back to work on my yarn business . That yarn won 't ship itself out ! Last night I met Tall / Dark & Handsome and his friend for dinner on the way back from Detroit and I came home and couldn 't resist those perfect little squares on the dining room table . I must have blacked out , by the time I realized what was happening I had this : Okay that part is a huge lie . The middle mushroom bit took me longer than anything else . The pattern I printed out is really more of a guideline and it assumes the quilter has done this before and not had a gin and tonic at dinner . It took me about 45 minutes and lots of seam ripping to get those 4 little mushroom triangles to a ) all be the same size b ) go the same direction and c ) just fit . For cryin ' out loud - WHY AREN ' T THEY FITTING ? ! Once I got the first two the same size ( 4th try is the charm ) I figured out a system and the last two were a piece of cake . Then I got the next round done , stepped away and fell in love . It was 11 o ' clock but I couldn 't stop . One more round ! It was then that I made a couple realizations . Firstly , that the mushrooms that took me almost an hour to get going the same direction are going the opposite direction of the other mushrooms . I also don 't care enough to change it now . It 's a quirk , not a defect . The Amish always put a mistake in their quilts because only God is perfect . Another realization was that the pattern / guideline wasn 't quite accurate in how much fabric was needed . Had the final size of the quilt been listed , I would have probably figured out that the suggested pattern amounts weren 't going to be enough . So I need to go back to the fabric shop because I 'm on halfway done with this quilt top and nearly done with my fabric . I do really like this pattern despite the road blocks , so I will probably just buy a yard of everything and have enough to make a whole other baby quilt because someone is bound to have a boy eventually . But this time I 'll get the mushrooms right . So I should probably start with the quilt I just finished and handed off to my colleague yesterday . I had a bunch of 4 " squares leftover from my king sized quilt I made last year , so I was happy to get rid of some of those . I also had a bunch of blue paisley flannel from high school that I found when my parents moved . So I got to use half of that up as well . I did buy a couple yards of a soft pink swirly fabric to put in between the 4 " squares to break up the color and I 'm glad I did that . So . . . voila ! ( Side note : I 'll never quilt to flannel again . It stretches funny and you end up ripping more than you sew . But oh my goodness it is soft and fluffy ! ) And the finished quilt ! It 's 41 " square and I had originally tried ( and failed ) to pull the excess flannel from the backing to the front and bind it like that but that looked awful . 3 hours with a seam ripper later , I did some digging around in the fabric stash and had the perfect amount of bicycle fabric left from my giant bedroom quilt . It 's cute and most importantly , it 's done . For the friend with 2 babies coming , I figured I 'd get started immediately . We know one is a boy . I also happened to have a bunch of batik scraps leftover from the quilt I cut on Christmas Eve . Originally I had planned to make a bunch of potholders for people but thought these 8 " squares of hodge - podge fabric were too cute to not use . I 'll make as many as I can from the scraps and a couple extra batik fat quarters and if I can get a decent looking blanket , then I 'll do that . I bought some teal batik fabric to put between the squares as a little color buffer / filler . It looks really nice in my head but we 'll see . If I get the squares all done and don 't love it . . . then I go back to potholders and start with something else . I 'm just using scraps so far so no big deal either way . Lastly I 'd like to show you a couple newer projects that are totally selfish . This time last year I was snowboarding with Tall / Dark & Handsome and some of his friends in Utah . It was interesting to say the least ( sharing a hotel room with 4 smelly guys , sleeping very little and breaking my tailbone on the third day of a 7 day trip ) and while I was hanging out in the lodges with my butt on a pillow , I couldn 't help but notice this amazing and frankly hideous fair isle sweaters . They were made by this fancy snowboarding brand and so many people had them - and they were so expensive ! What I took away from my few days of lodge lounging was this : I had to have one of those ugly sweaters . I also refuse to spend hundreds of dollars to make this happen . I went stash diving and came up with a poorly made hoodie ( my first completed sweater ) in Rowan Kid Classic . I had 3 colors in it and after frogging , about 7 hanks . I knew that a fair isle sweater would take a little more so I went shopping on Ravelry and found someone who had made a striped cardigan and had partial hanks of 4 other colors . Sold ! I cast on Thanksgiving evening ( T / D & H 's mom was there so I couldn 't work on her scarf ) and have been playing around with it since . It knows it 's ugly , but I 'm getting a lot of fair isle practice and will have a crazy - warm sweater to wear to hockey games and snowboarding . I 'll also have a winner for future ugly sweater parties . And lastly , I started a new cross - stitching after finally finishing the 3 - year Halloween project . It 's a silly little kit from Curly Girl Designs , but little doesn 't always equal fast so I 'll keep you posted on that . I 'd like to finish it before the end of March . . . and then get to the other 2 kits I bought after that . I don 't have a picture yet but I can tell you it 's navy blue fabric and white thread and looks like 4 straight lines . Riveting stuff , I know .
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Borrowing from my son , Aaron 's message a week ago , a quote from Mother Teresa . " We need to find God , and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness . God is the friend of silence . See how nature - - trees , flowers , grass - - grows in silence ; see the stars , the moon and the sun , how they move in silence . . . We need silence to be able to touch souls . Earlier this month friends bundled up their children and came over to watch the meteor shower . We sat in lawn chairs with our heads tilted upward , eyes wide open , ooohing and aaahing at each brilliant streak . It was a spectacular show , but you had to be watching . Each shooting star zipped silently across the dark sky . No fanfare announced we should get ready . No sound alerted us to look over here , or watch this . There was no swooshing sound like when you send an email . If you were looking at a different part of the sky , if you dropped your eyes to take a sip of hot cocoa , if you turned to a friend to share a thought - - no telling what you 'd miss . Each star shot by without a sound . Only afore mentioned ooohs and aaahs , gasps , and " Did - you - see - that ? ! ? " told of having missed a good one . The children chattered , sang out and danced with glee . Good memories in the making ! Their mom reminisced - - when she was a little girl her family gathered outside in the dark to watch falling stars . And , I can attest , she still gets just as excited as she must have way back when . All sounds made that evening came from us , but the stars moved in silence . The light show was astounding , astonishing , absolutely beautiful . And all of heaven was silent . Here 's to silence ! Here 's to being quiet as I wait , watch , prepare my heart to celebrate the coming of the Christ child . Christmas - - except for Easter - - is the holiest of the holidays for me . No words can adequately describe , and perhaps I would do well to be quiet , speachless in anticipation and wonder . Starting now , but first . . . My Christmas letter for those who didn 't receive it via U . S . P . S . To you , my faithful blog followers and dear facebook friends , an e - greeting with sincere wishes to you and yours for a splendid Christmas holiday . Merry Christmas Inside . . . the stockings are hung by the chimney with care . Outside . . . the fluffy snow is falling fast . Accumulation so far , about 8 inches . There 's a good chance we 'll be having a white Christmas . . . hip , hip hooray ! Posted by I 've been busy trying to . . . be still and know that the Lord is God . ( But it 's the holidays , you know . ) My sister gave me a footstool which reminds me . . . I need the reminder ( because it 's the holidays , you know . ) And here 's another reminder , something that can stop a person in his ( or her ) tracks . A spectacularly glorious , brilliantly colored , beautifully quiet . . . sunrise . Anne Lamott 's newest book Help ! Thanks ! Wow ! is a treatise on the three essentials of prayer . In Aaron Henning 's latest sermon " Beyond Thanksgiving " he doesn 't quote Anne Lamott , but he does quote Ravi Zacharias who wrote a book about rediscovering wonder in our lives . So , in the title of this post , I summed up Aaron 's message , borrowing from Anne , and juxtapositioning her words to Wow ! Thanks ! We pray : help , thanks , wow , and we should live : wow , thanks ! Thanks for everything all the time . . . wow , thanks ! At least if we 're in Christ that 's how we should live . He 's done something matchless for us in saving us , giving us a hope and a future . Borrowing from Aaron - - If God never answers one more of my prayers in the way I hope that he will , still I have so much to be thankful for . This life is not the only one we 've got . This world isn 't the be all and end all . There is heaven to come ! For those who are in Christ this world is the closest you will ever get to hell . ( To which I shout - - Hallelujah ! ) But for those who are not in Christ , this world is the closest one will ever get to heaven . That puts my suffering - - all the sorrows I have ever experienced as well as the ones I have yet to experience - - in perspective . And my sufferings are exponentially better or worse in conjunction with my attitude of gratitude . When I 'm thankful for all the good things in life the hardships pale . And in light of that , I want to make a conscious effort to live in awe . I don 't want to lose the wonder . We attended a funeral on Friday . . . a friend 's mother passed away . She lived a life of service to her family , her church and in her neighborhood , teaching , serving , and being hospitable . Her work is over . Her days on earth are done . She has gone to the heavenly home and heavenly rest promised . One scripture the pastor used at her service was Psalm 116 : 15 " Precious in the sight of The Lord is the death of his saints . " Another version says " When they arrive at the gates of death , God welcomes those who love him . " And yet another , " The Lord cares deeply when his loved ones die . " I don 't understand the whole life and death thing . . . I 'm grateful for the first , for life and living it abundantly , for new life , for babies . And yet I know there is a season for everything and a necessary life cycle . I imagine there is coming a day when I 'll be grateful for the latter . When , as it says in Eccesiastes 12 , I am stooped over and my grinders cease because they are few . When my eyes see dimly and my hearing fails . When I rise up early in the morning with birds but can 't enjoy their singing for diminished aural abilities . That 'll be the time I 'll be grateful for a home going , for opportunity to enter into a final rest . I hope God will welcome me at the gates of death . I pray my passing will be precious in his sight . There is a beautiful hymn we sang in my old church . . . Does Jesus Care ? It brought tears every time it was sung . And yet it is oh so comforting , especially the chorus : But I 'm not sad . The funeral wasn 't a sad service . It was a celebration of a life well lived and a joyous send - off . Most all of Mrs . Shaffer 's great - grandchildren , led by their cousin the youngest Shaffer granddaughter , stood up front and sang " Jesus Loves Me " . How proud she must have been , watching down and whispering her prayer that each of them would know in their heart the truth of that simple song . Jesus loves us . And he wants us to love him back . The Bible tells me so . And here I am hoping I can accomplish all there is to do ; there is so much to do . Friends are posting notes on facebook , their shopping is all done . Mine is begun , not nearly done . People have houses decorated to the hilt , while mine is meagerly adorned . Presents all wrapped ? Not mine . Not even the few I 've already bought are done up in pretty paper with bows yet . Two trees are up and decorated . This little Frasier fir inside , and a much bigger one outside . I have plans to run off to Philly for the first Christmas party of the season . Every year my Aunt Roselyn has a party to kick off the holiday . It used to be all of her sisters and , of course , Gram . When we were youngsters we called it the " Aunts ' Party " , but as we came of age it was a right of passage to be included too . Some of the aunts are gone as far away as Texas and Florida . Gram and Aunt Florence as far away as heaven . There 's room at the party for the next generation and for the next after that . Still , it 's the Aunts ' Party , and my cousins and I are privileged to attend . I 'll do my best to take the spirit of advent - - anticipation and expectation - - with me . While away I 'll miss the lighting of the second advent candle , the candle of preparation . Hours with loved ones , laughing , catching up , telling stories will get me ready for the season . Hours alone in the car will afford time to reflect . This getaway will be my time of preparation . First of all preparing the way . . . for the Lord . . . in my heart . And then I 'll get on with those celebratory preparations , setting the scene for Christmas in my home . " As is written in the book of the words of Isaiah the prophet : ' A voice of one calling in the desert , ' Prepare the way for the Lord , make straight paths for him . Every valley shall be filled in , every mountain and hill made low . The crooked roads shall become straight , the rough ways smooth . And all mankind will see God 's salvation . ' " ( Luke 3 : 4 - 6 ) Our Thanksgiving Day was relaxed , unhurried , happy , and full of love . We only had one of our sons , Aaron , here for the holiday along with Amy and their terrific kids - - our two grandsons . Amy brought craft materials to make these cute turkeys . On the tail feathers are things each of the boys is thankful for . Pretty special , huh ? As for me , I 'm just grateful for the time we had together . How could I not be thankful ? Here 's all the fun stuff we did : played Lego 's , colored , watched a little Macy 's Parade , sneaked through the secret passage way , and played in the secret room , " the ack , " which is what our two - year - old calls the attic . Outside with Papa and Daddy they played on the swings , had a tractor wagon ride , climbed up in a tree stand out in the woods , and each of them had a turn driving the Kubota tractor . . . with a little help from Papa . Oh , and Grant played the piano for us . . . a darling two - handed piece of music . Those kids ( and their parents ) make us proud ! We spoke to Nathan and David who celebrated this special day of thanks and the days surrounding it , together in California . They are busy touring San Francisco and San Jose - - David posted some great pictures on facebook . Our Adam checked in to wish us a Happy Thanksgiving from New Orleans where he and Alica are taking in the sights of that fabulous city with Alicia 's family . David 's Melanie who is here ( PA ) while he is there ( CA ) came and spent a good part of today with us . She got to visit with Aaron and Amy and Grant and Max before they headed home . While Melanie was here , she , Tom and I took a short walk over to the possible new house site . We came back and sat by the fire and chatted about all our plans and dreams . Just having a dream is good for the soul , good for the psyche ; dreams give us hope and energy . I can 't wait to see how David and Melanie 's plans unfold . Everything is in God 's hands , which is Christianese for up in the air . I can 't wait to see what God has for all of us in the future . The future which is always just beyond our sight and reach . Yesteryear 's future is the life we 're living today . We dreamed dreams , and now some of them are coming true , the rest are dreams we never knew . And I trust it 's all been part of the grand plan for our lives . For I know the plans I have for you , " declares the LORD , " plans to prosper you and not to harm you , plans to give you hope and a future . Jeremiah 29 : 11 For family and friends , my home and my life . . . I 'm giving thanks with a grateful heart . It 's all good . I wouldn 't change a thing . Posted by Tom 's got some projects going . I 'm putting in my two - cents when asked ; otherwise I have nose to the grindstone , fingers to the keyboard , racing the Nano clock . I can do this . I 've passed the half - way mark of 25 , 000 words - - barely . The half - way mark on the calendar has come ( and gone ) as well , and it got there first . But that 's no never mind , I 'll catch up this weekend . I will if I stop with the facebook , the email , the housekeeping , and the kibitzing on Tom 's projects . Still , I just had to take time for a quick short blog . I love that a few of my friends and family check in and see how we 're doing via this little hobby , outlet of mine . Thank you . And speaking of gratitude . . . Thanksgiving Day is less than a week off . I have so much that I 'm thankful for . Many of my facebook friends list their thanks everyday on facebook in the month of November . It blesses me to read all that others are grateful for . . . many of the same things between them - - things that I too am grateful for - - family , friends , health , all of our needs met and many of our wants as well . I am thankful to the God who provides . Others are thankful to the fates , appreciating when the stars align . It 's really one in the same . Without the finger of God those stars won 't line themselves up . And so , on the top of my list , I 'm grateful for faith to know this . A friend passed away unexpectedly this week . Chris Massung was a couple of years younger , two years shy of 60 . Too soon to go , but she was ready . . . not wishing for it , but ready . A couple of weeks ago she came over for coffee , which turned into lunch and our spending most of the day together . I 'll cherish that visit forever . I have that good memory and no regrets ; I 'm so lucky in that . During our visit we talked and laughed at the trauma of me turning 60 . Shaking our heads and wondering how and when this happened . We were young moms with school age children just the other . . . ? . . . decade or two ! But it didn 't seem that long , it really doesn 't seem that long ago . The day Chris passed and for days after we had glorious sunny weather . A blessing after a long stretch of rain and cloudy , dreary days . The sunshine reminded me . . . she is not here , she 's with Jesus , the love of her life . And we are left to mourn our loss . Her husband is beside himself with grief , as are her children and grandchildren . May they find solace in The Lord of Glory . We sang this beautiful hymn at church on Sunday . The tune is fabulous , if you 're inclined Google the title and have a listen on You Tube and read these words along . When we sang the first verse in church I caught my breath at this - - He has freely given countless blessings - - not only to the good , but to those who are unthankful and evil as well . And I was ever so grateful upon reading / singing those words , knowing that sometimes I am among the unthankful , and fearing that possibly I am sometimes one of the evil ones . Perish the thought ! Our furnace is on the fritz . We woke up yesterday morning to a pungent burning smell wafting through the heating vents . Barely wafting , nothing like forced air blowing warmth into the rooms . Tom shut off the hot furnace and called our trusty heating man . . . leaving a message since it was well before business hours . Then he built me a fire in the fireplace , charged up the supplemental gas heater in the kitchen , and went off to work . The furnace fix - it guy came about mid day . It took him two minutes to diagnose the problem , but he had to order a part . . . a motor for the blower fan . He thinks it 'll be delivered today and he 'll come install it . We live in big , drafty , old farmhouse . Brrrr . This is remeniscent of our early days , back when there was no furnace at all , no insulation , no storm windows . But here I am reasonably cozy , nestled in front of the fireplace . I closed off all the other rooms , stairway , family room , guest bedroom , and it 's amazing the warmth that 's built up if I stay in this room . We pulled out the sofa bed to sleep on last night and I 'm not intending to fold it away until the furnace is humming along once again . ( I 'd like the comfort and convenience of heat , but I 'm kind of hoping to sleep in front of the fire again tonight . ) Our situation is nothing compared to those who were ravaged by the superstorm , Sandy . My troubles are just enough to remind me to be grateful for all of the good things in life - - my easy , comfortably rich , blessed life . I have hardly any troubles , just enough to remind me to be kind and compassionate to others . The line above is from the first song , Castles which was and still is very meaningful to me and Tom . Just when Dave 's CD came out we experienced a shake up that brought us to our knees . What a blessing to have David sing to us . . . One year ago today I embarked on a writing challenge . The project - - write a novel of 50 , 000 words in 30 days . That 's 1 , 667 words a day , every single day of November . I did it and got the badge to prove it . Where is that novel ? In a manilla folder in the bottom drawer of my desk , of course . That 's what they say happens to first novels . I don 't know for sure who they , and I said it wouldn 't happen to my novel , but it did . No worries . This month I 'll be writing my 2nd novel and it won 't end up in a folder in the bottom desk drawer . It can 't , that spot 's already taken . Anyone who wants to cheer me on is welcome to ask how I 'm doing and how it 's coming . You are welcome to prod me , cajole , scold , tease , even belittle me if I 'm falling behind . And then if I don 't catch up , kick my behind . And if there is anyone out there reading this that is doing Nano this year , let me know and we can link up . Whether you 're having fun or not , time flies ! But I am having fun , and I hope you are too . This week I read a delightful book , Maria , My Own Story , by Maria Von Trapp . Did you know she had a very difficult childhood ? Neither did I . It 's such a good story , I highly recommend you order up a copy . She wrote several other books , but this one is copywrited early 1970 . The book that the famous Sound of Music was taken from was penned in 1949 . Other books were written by her and published more recently , early this millenium . I 'd like to read another when I find make the time . The problem with me and reading is I get totally absorbed . I don 't do anything else but read . I don 't clean house or make meals , I don 't talk , I don 't listen . This can be very frustrating to my family . . . ask my boy , Adam , about that . He was the first to notice this character flaw of mine . Tom , on the other hand , never complains . Just the other day he told me he was going somewhere to do something , and he 'd be back sometime . " Uh - huh , " I said , nose to book . The door shut , the car started , I heard the crunch of gravel under car tires and glanced out the window . I wonder where he 's going ? I thought . I knew he told me , but try as I might . . . nope , I had no idea . So I kept on reading , and in a little while he came back . Bless his heart . I wish I were that kind of all in about more important things in my life . I wish for instance that I could love God with all my heart , soul , strength , and mind , without even thinking about it . . . ( or wait , is that an oxymoron ? Forget that without even thinking part . ) And , I wish that I would put other 's interests , needs , and desires before my own - - and do that without even thinking . You know , love my neighbor as myself . Sadly I 'm far too selfsh , too self - centered most of the time , to be good at pleasing God by obeying those two most important commandments . But I try . When I 'm not absorbed in a book or some other selfish ambition , I try . And whether I succeed or fail , He patiently waits for my undivided attention . If I 've been otherwise occupied for too long He does something like my Adam used to do when he was a little boy . He taps me on the shoulder to remind me that he 's waiting for a response . Adam 's tap was light , his voice pitifully hopeful , " Mom ? " he 'd say . God 's tap is light , it comes as sunshine streaming through the window , a brilliant sunset , a person laughing , a baby 's babble . And I am reminded that my God is right by my side , waiting ( patiently ) for my response to who He is . I highly recommend a balance between taking life seriously and just plain having fun . So many gifts surround us . But life is ever changing , and some of the best gifts just don 't keep . Nature , for instance , is ever changing . I 'm not sure if it 's memory that fails or mental image that fades , but each fall seems more beautiful than the last . Even when the weather is cold and rainy , golden leaves , crimson , orange , russet , and rust colored leaves , remain spectacular . But they won 't keep ! Too soon they cover our lawns and forest floors . Bare tree branches tell the next season will be upon us in no time . So seize the day ! Don 't let today pass without a sense of wonder over something . Quick , before it gets away . And yet , have no fear , tomorrow God 's blessings and mercies will be new again . They are new every morning . You know what else doesn 't keep ? Babies don 't keep . A swaddled newborn becomes a kicking , cooing , month old baby . Her new - ness wears off . His personality emerges . They roll over , they sit , they crawl , they pull themselves up to stand on their own tiny feet , babbling " mama " or " dada " . So quick . It happens in the blink of an eye ! Babies sure don 't keep . I enjoyed a blessed baby fix this weekend . Company , campers of the indoor and outdoor variety , graced us with their presence . Look at us trying to line up the babies : eleven months , 13 months , 15 months , 17 months , and a big sister ( 3 years ) . Missing are a two - year - old and the two big kids ( 5 and 7 ) who are probably too grown up for footie pajamas . The 3 - year - old was a big help , because it turns out , lining up one year olds is a little bit like herding cats . It is truly a glorious day in Pennsylvania . From my loft window I 'm looking down on our frost covered cars , frosty white grass , and a frosted cornfield . But it won 't last long . Mr . Sunshine is up and doing his thing , kissing the earth so all things glisten . Patches of steam rise , fog hovers above the browned out cornstalks . And the frost melts away , making for a fabulous day . Why am I trying to wax eloquent when that 's already been done by James Whitcomb Riley , back at the turn of the past century . Here are the first and last verses of his frosty pumpkin poem . I love the hallelujah of the rooster , and Riley 's farmer 's wanting to play host to angels . Eloquent I tell you . Riley 's poem speaks of early morning calls , clucks , and carrying on of farm stock . I , on the other hand , woke to bam , bams of rifles popping off geese and small game , as well as big booms - - muzzle loaders trying for deer . With each bang I hope the critter gets away , at the same time hoping hunters get meat for their family . These are sounds of harvest . Less gruesome though , a massive cornpicker rumbles through our field , and tractors clatter back and forth , up and down our driveway pulling first empty then full wagons of chopped corn home to their own barns . Sounds of harvest . Farmers reaping what they 've sown . They reap what they sow , as do we all . Let us not become weary in doing good , for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up . Galatians 6 : 9 Just over 41years ago Tom put a dainty size 3 1 / 2 gold wedding band on my finger and I put a more stout gold ring on his . We both promised to love and to cherish , and for the most part we have . You know , except for that day when he was being so selfish , a complete jerk . . . or wait , was that me ? Yeah , pretty sure that was me . Whoever it was on which ever day ( s ) we got over it and still to this day love and cherish one another almost all the time . And speaking of time - - as the years passed , that size 3 1 / 2 ring got a little difficult to remove over my , say , 4 1 / 2 size knuckle . The last time I took my wedding band off , a year or so ago , I did the wise thing and didn 't put it back on . For my birthday , my 60th birthday , ( still getting used to that ) I got a new wedding band and had my diamond reset . There were so many choices , a wrap , nesting rings , diamond chips in the band or alongside the diamond , white gold , which seems to be more fashionable these days , two bands , one on either side of the diamond ring . I tried on some exquisite looking rings and then asked for something almost just like what I already had . The bands are a bit thicker and the diamond placed in a magical setting that makes it look bigger , but not too big . When I went to pick up my rings , days before my birthday , I loved them . They are just what I wanted , only perhaps more beautiful than I imagined . I was overwhelmed to the point of tears . Yep , I cried . Those poor jewelers , but I 'll bet in their line of work , they 're used to tears . This lovely , lovely birthday gift is a reminder of a promise two kids made more than 40 years ago . A reminder of promises kept , for richer and poorer , in sickness and in health , to love and to cherish . Either somebody died , sombody is ill , or somebody has a BIG birthday coming up . It 's the latter and it 's me . 60 . . . oof . Really ? There I said it . I 've been anticipating this since July when my family had a party for me , which was very kind of them . It sort of helped , being eased into it . They could razz me , and I could laugh , because I knew it wasn 't happening . . . yet . I wasn 't 60 . . . yet . We could joke about it as if it weren 't a reality , because it wasn 't . . . yet . Still isn 't . Two more days to be 59 , and then , oh no , oh yes . Please don 't . . . There is only one alternative to turning 60 and that 's to not . So you see , birthdays are GOOD for you . The more you have , the longer you live . And it isn 't me who calls the shots . It is not me who tells the creator the number of days I wish for my life . My calling and privilege is to praise him for what I have , honor him with who I am , and bring glory to him all the days of my life . It 's a tall order , and I fall short . But as long as he gives me more days I 'll keep trying to get it right . Oh how I relate with my boy David 's song , Unafraid . Yes , there are times when I 've wanted to be someone else , or just a better version of myself . I 've prayed for second chances , and gotten some . I 've learned too many things the hard way . And , I am frequently distracted by the part of me that never got it right . But . . . Unafraid of turning 60 . Unafraid of the unknowns . Unafraid of what 's been done , what 's been overlooked , left undone , all that is yet to be done . Well aware that my days are numbered , I want what I do to count . . . but I don 't have to live this life like it 's the only one I 've got . The song says , " I wanna go dancing in the rain . " I 'm not much of a dancer , but the other morning I went swimming in the rain . . . about 55 degrees outside , 82 in the water , raindrops making bubbles all around me . I 'm not sure there is anything more delightful . David Henning 's CD The Beginning of You can be purchased or downloaded http : / / www . tatepublishing . com / bookstore / book . php ? w = 847726005 717 I haven 't scratched the surface , but this list did the trick . As long as I have breath to praise God , I will always have hope . And , as long as I have hope , I will praise Him . . . more and more . Rainbows paint the sky beautiful in the midst or aftermath of storms . Don 't you just love those colorful arcs ? Signs of hope and a promise since the days of Noah : " I have set my rainbow in the clouds , and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth . Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds , I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind . Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life . " Genesis 9 : 13 - 15 Hope . To look forward to with confidence , great expectation . If we lose hope we 've lost our way . So don 't lose hope . Hang on to hope . There is . . . Always Hope I play that song over and over again when I need a reminder . There are challenges , upheavals , difficult circumstances and difficult people in everyone 's life at one time or another . But , until we take our last breath , there is always hope . Uncle Billy from Jan Karon 's Mitford Series says , " No rest for the wicked , and the righteous don 't need none . " Not sure which category I fall under , but we 've been busy here at the farm . And I 'm not one to deprive myself of rest , a quick power nap or a refreshing swim . Saturday Tom and I stormed the barn , working alongside a fellow who is going to paint the inside of the lower level . First the old ( perhaps 75 year old ! ) whitewashing has to be scraped off and the clutter has to be busted . Leaving him to the paint prep , we pitched junk , organized , cleaned up and cleared out all day long . Meanwhile a mason is patching and pointing up the stone foundation - - another huge project . The rush of accomplishing so much on Saturday inspired me to clutter bust the house with gusto on Monday and Tuesday . Closets , pantry , cupboards . . . whew . . . I 've got a big collection for Salvation Army . But it 's not that much fun to be indoors while these last days of summer ( less than 20 by the calendar ) wane . From where I sit typing I see the shadows growing long , dahlias , mums , and black - eyed susans dot the landscape with color , lush grass , vibrant in the sunshine , and I can tell by the leaves of the trees there is a slight breeze . I need to get out there . . . Still to do . . . the pool will have to be closed , but not just yet . Christmas tree fields need more attention , a bit more shearing , mowing , weeding , and fertilizing . When the leaves fall , oh dear , there 's another big job . Other jobs I can 't wait to tear into : the upper level of the barn , the old milkhouse that I want to turn into a bathhouse for pool guests , and the old cow barn , which is begging for a makeover . Wicked or righteous , I 'm making myself weary just thinking about all there is to do . So I 'm off right now to simply do the next thing . There will be a reward in it - - a canoe ride on the creek this evening to help a good friend celebrate her birthday . Later that day . . . You know you 're getting old when - - we were all too tired for the effort of a canoe ride . The birthday girl opted for dinner out at the lovely Riverside Inn of Cambridge Springs instead . Followed by an evening swim . Ahhhhh , restful , refreshing and ready to face another day . I pray for our President , Barack Obama . May he know Your presence , oh God , as he continues to serve as a leader of this nation , as a husband to Michelle , and as father to his daughters . Help him to seek justice , love mercy and walk humbly with you . I pray as well for Governor Mitt Romney . May he know Your presence , oh God , as he continues to serve as a leader , as a husband to Ann , and as a father to his sons and their families . Help him to seek justice , love mercy and walk humbly with you . I pray for our country in the next nine weeks leading up to this election - for those of us meeting here and for our fellow citizens who met last week . May we make our children proud of how we conduct ourselves . We know our human tendencies toward finger - pointing and frivolousness . Our better selves want this race to be honest and edifying rather than fabricated and self - serving . Give us , oh Lord , humility to listen to our sisters and brothers across the political spectrum , because your kingdom is not divided into Red States and Blue States . Equip us with moral imagination to have real discourse . Knit us , oh God , as one country even as we wrestle over the complexity of how we ought to live and govern . Give us gratitude for our right to dissent and disagree . For we know that we are bound up in one another and have been given the tremendous opportunity to extend humanity and grace when others voice their deeply held convictions even when they differ from our own . And give us wisdom , God , to discover honest solutions for we know it will take all of us to care for the widow and the orphan , the sick and the lonely , the downtrodden and the unemployed , the prisoner and the homeless , the stranger and the enemy , the thirsty and the powerless . In rural Africa , I am witness to thousands of HIV positive mothers , fathers and children who are alive today because Democrats and Republicans put justice and mercy above partisanship . Help us keep that perspective even as we debate one another . Keeping with the theme of my previous post on writing , really , you 've got to love Erma Bombeck , gone from this world way too soon . She entertained , enlightened , and exhorted . She made us laugh and cry , knowingly nod , and then sheepishly hanging our head in shame . And gosh , she handed out some valuable advice . It was the very wise and witty Erma who said , " There 's nothing to writing . You just sit down at a typewriter and bleed . " That thought affirms what the wise guy said , whoever he or she be , which I posted last week : Writing is easy . All you have to do is just start writing , finish writing , and make sure it 's good . What the reader , and wannabe writer , needs to extrapolate here is the sarcasm . There is nothing easy about writing . First of all , you have to do it . That entails this : sit down , tune out the rest of the world , turn a deaf ear to all of your obligations and responsibilities for hours upon hours , focus , focus , focus , and let your life blood flow . Then , after making a mess - - what with blood everywhere - - you have to clean it up , hide most of it away where no eye will ever see . Then , hope against hope for a little leftover , publishable snippet , which will look to the reader like it took 15 minutes to produce . Yeah , it 's easy , simple as that . Writing is fun and oh , so rewarding . After all that work , I 'm talking blood , sweat and tears , you have something you 're pleased to have someone else read . If that someone laughs or cries or is moved in an intended way , you did your job and you did it well . There in lies the reward . And getting paid real money makes it all the better , wink , wink . Writing is not all torture . Occasionally I laugh . I laugh at myself and I laugh at my own jokes , because yes , you can tell yourself a joke you never heard before . Ask my brother , Scott Bruce , the comedian , his livelihood depends on it . And he 's done the Bruce name proud . He has even given me some opportunity for success in the writing field . All sibling rivalry aside , bless his heart . It looks to me like I began , and this is a fine place to end . Whether the writing is good or not is yet to be determined . However , this is not at all what I was going to blog about today . I was going to tell of how lucky and blessed my life is . The 28th day of August marked our 41st wedding anniversary . Tom and I have a lovely home ( albeit , it 's been years getting that way - - which only adds to the richness of our relationship and the wonder of its survival ) , an idyllic and private space , green in spring and summer , mulitcolored in fall , which is fast approaching and pure white in winter on days the snow isn 't dirty , opportunities for wildlife viewing abound , and French Creek runs through it . This is our sanctuary these days , and we are more than grateful for all we have . If I have no inspiration for writing it can not be blamed on location , location , location . All the things I forgot to post this summer , things I 've done , seen , and have been inspired by , come to me when I put my head on the pillow at night , while driving the car , pushing little girls on swings , languishing in a Calgon - take - me - away moment , pulling weeds , or running the sweeper . Then in the busy - ness of life those thoughts are slept away , swept away and in other ways slip away , never making it to paper , screen , or cyber space . They just loll around in my head for awhile and then roll out . . . spinning , floating , falling to nowhere land . I click the link to my blog and check . Didn 't I write about ( any number of things ) ? No , I guess I didn 't . So when are the techies going to come up with a mind reading program ? They 've already got voice recognition keyboarding apps . And who would have believed there 'd be devices taking commands , answering questions , typing and texting our words ? It really can 't be too big a leap to creating technology that reads our minds and types up our thoughts . How awesome that would be ! Or wait , how awful that would be . If my thoughts magically appeared on a computer screen I would be by turns delighted and devastated - - most often the latter . It 's in the writing down , the organizing of thoughts that I understand what I think I 'm thinking . And that 's when I catch myself saying , " Oh dear , that 's not what I mean , or meant . " I can rewrite or rephrase it after I 've rethought it . So do I want technology that records my thoughts ? I don 't think so ; unless it would just go out to PostSecret . And even then ? Scripture says that only God knows our hearts . He knows our secret thoughts and deeds done in secret too . I believe I 'd like to keep it that way . Please techy people , don 't invent a device to read my thoughts . Some of them are bad and I 'd just as soon those not be made public , not even as a PostSecret . Some of them are experimental . They are me , growing , learning , perfecting - - not ready for sharing . But God , you go right ahead and search me , point out my wicked or foolish ways , create in me a good , pure heart , and help me have only good pure thoughts . ( In this lifetime ? What are the chances ? ) I read something on facebook that tickled my funny bone . Facebook . You know . The social network forum where lots of thoughts are shared that never ever should have been written down . Trust me , there are some things only God should know you are thinking . But for everything else . . . go ahead . . . put it on facebook . Like this post : A writer is someone for whom writing is much more difficult than it is for other people . And there 's my out . That 's why I don 't write as often or as well as I wish . It 's difficult for me . I 'm a writer . Summer is wonderfully . . . lots of things come to mind , but mostly . . . exhausting . There 's visiting , traveling , swimming , entertaining ( preparing for company and recouping after ) , playing , working , landscaping , planning , dreaming , reading , not writing . Three blogs in the month of July . Seriously ? Although I did whip off those devotions for Camp Venango in July . Nevermind that my goal was to have those finished by mid - June . Nevermind that I put so much into them I had to redo and make them more kid friendly and age appropriate and all that . The redo took 1 and 1 / 2 hours - - the originals took 3 months . But wait , in my defense , they were 3 really bad months in my life . The badness isn 't over yet , but I have put it aside . You know the cliche ; give it to God . Yeah . I know it too . Easier said than done . But dad - gum - it , I done it . Tom and I have totally ignored our Christmas tree fields since April - - we must have done a little work out in the fields in April because I blogged about it - - but since then , nada . Now we pay . I only worked two 2 - hour shifts yesterday and then moaned all evening long . Tom worked the same ( well actually more ) but he didn 't moan as much , and not until this morning . Our hands hurt ! His from wrestling with a rented monster mowing machine , trying to keep the dang thing on track , out of holes , away from trees that we 're trying to rescue from weeds , not hack off with a mower . Mine hurt from pulling well - rooted weeds away from little tree trunks to find and snip lower branches . This job is done on one 's hands and knees . My knees hurt too . There will be no pulling of weeds today - - too ouchie . There will be no muscling a mowing machine - - it was returned to the rental place , Lloyds Rental in Meadville . Instead I 'll spray the rows with a generic form of Round - Up . Tom will start the shearing . Hey . . . we 'll have the small tree field done in no time - - if our nearly 60 year old bodies can handle it . And did I mention the thermometer is supposed to hit 92 today ? Yep . We 'll have to work , swim , swim , work and drink lots of water . Yesterday , before starting my day , I prayed Psalm 90 : 17 " Lord pour your favor on us , and establish the work of our hands for us , yes , establish the work of our hands . " He did . Yesterday is done . I didn 't pray that today . A few days later my side of the family had a reunion . . . the annual Bruce reunion in Johnstown , PA . I 've been attending that reunion for most of my 59 years . I may have missed a few of those family gatherings throughout all those years , but truly , not many . . . two maybe three . Family gatherings were so important to my Grandma Bruce , so her kids made family reunions happen . The venue , always the same . Dad 's brother , Uncle Jim had a cottage with a picnic pavillion and pool . Perfect . Years later , the cottage is now a big house where my cousin , Jimmy lives and where he raised his family . The pool has been rebuilt over the years . Long ago it was converted from cement to a more climate tolerant vinyl - lined pool . The pavillion still serves us well and has picnic tables to seat 70 people or so . Grandma has been gone since 1972 , Pap passed in 1975 . Aunt Carol and my dad are the only ones remaining of Gram and Pap 's six children . We still say we 're to going to Uncle Jim 's when we talk about and head for the reunion . In reality , it 's Aunt Marion 's or cousin Jim 's place , but no , it was and always will be ( at least until our generation passes ) Uncle Jim 's . The reunion is a great time to catch up with aunts and uncles and cousins and cousin 's kids . My cousins and I - - we used to be the kids . Then we were the parents . Now , we 're the one 's answering to " Grandma , Pappy , watch this ! " And time marches on . The following day the Dick Bruce family met in Bedford at the " Nancy House " . I don 't know if Nancy is a sur name or a first name . . . but . . . it 's the house where my Grandma ( Ruth Allison ) Bruce was born back in . . . let 's see , real close to 1900 ( it may have been 1898 or 1899 ) . The log cabin home is still used as a hunting camp . It 's rustic . It 's off the beaten path . Oh , and my dear family tried to make me turn 60 ! Three full months before my 60th birthday is here . I 'm smiling , but I 'm not having it . Still , thank you Mom and Dad and all my sibs and their families , for making my 59 and 3 / 4 birthday celebration so very special . I love you all ! ! ! Just the girls . ( back ) Anne , Joan , Ali , Kathy , Chloe , ( front ) Rebecca , Luann , Mom / Oma / Glor , and me , with the birthday tiara . Four sisters , one sis - in - law , 3 granddaughters and the matriarch . ( I hope you laughed , Mom ! ) My funniest birthday gift was a check for $ 59 . 75 . My brother the comedian says he 'll mail me a quarter on October 4th . Gotta love this family . Home again , home again jiggety jog . And then they were off to Cleveland . All but Adam and Alica who were off to Butler . And we had our home to ourselves again . Peaceful and serene . . . our sanctuary . And that calls for a swim by the light of the moon . I am a wife , mother , nana , sister , daughter , and friend . I adore people and I love God - - in whom I live and breathe and laugh and love . My conservative theology not only allows , but encourages me , to care about people who believe , act , and think differently than I do . I am a writer , and I hope that what I write ( and do and say ) honors God and brings people to a place of regeneration . View my complete profile And still nothing to check off . I can fix that . Revise the list , add : shower , eat breakfast , go get trash bin and drag it back up the drivew . . . All is truly calm , not bright though , it 's overcast and dark . But not in my heart . My heart is bright with happy anticipation . Tonight . . . I never was good at writing book reports , so I won 't even try . But here 's a recommendation . This book , Ten Thousand Splendid Suns , b . . .
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Not much to say today . So it 's time to make a list . Here , off the top of my head , is a list of my favorite poets : Alfred Lord Tennyson Elizabeth Bishop Ezra Pound W . H . Auden Emily Dickinson T . S . Eliot William Blake A . E . Houseman Phillip Larkin There are probably more . But , as I was saying , this list is just off the top of head . Posted by What is the Spirit of AKIC ? Right now , I couldn 't tell you with any degree of certainty . But I hope that in writing this entry , the first of a series , I will be able to eventually tell you something . What I will do is answer a series of suggestions of what this AKIC spirit could possibly be , or could ( not ) possibly be filled with . Here is what I have come up with so far : Duty ? I do feel a certain duty in each day , making an entry to most of my blogs - - that is AKIC , TKIC , and WCE . I suppose there is a certain " spirit " and sublimeness in that . Honor ? Ha ha ha . LOL . LMAO ! ROTFL ! That is laughable . I sometimes wonder if I should spend more time ensuring what I say is true , understandable , or expressed in a grammatically manner . I should but I don 't . So I shirk it on the honor question . Thousands of year of Chinese history ? I wish . I did at one time publish some Tang Dynasty poems in this blog . But , how often do I refer to Chinese history ? Nothing ? It could be if you mean by nothing : the void , oblivion , obscurity , Armageddon , or Seinfeld like wit and hardy - har - har . I think I found an element of the AKIC spirit . Spheres ? If electrons are shaped like spheres , then why not ? Electrons are being used in the making of this blog 。 The Sublime ? The day , I think I read somewhere , is beautiful . The dark , I think I read in the same place , is sublime . There is a darkness in the AKIC spirit . But I think it is the darkness of having sat in the shade for so long . Fraternity ? Hah ! With what ? With whom ? Where ? I am just a man against the world stuck in a dark , musty corner . I feel fraternal with books and podcasts . Not with people . I feel dang uncomfortable when people get too close - - I think then I am acting under false pretences . Equality ? Of course not . I am no socialist . But I do believe in giving the average Tom , Dick , or Harry a chance . But if they can 't make anything of it , there is not much else I can do . Liberty ? Up to a point . Liberty entails responsibility . Liberty doesn 't mean license to a libertine . Liberty does mean qAndis Kaulins Kim Il Jung is the current leader of North Korea . Why the hell did I keep thinking it was Kim Il Sung who has been dead for years ? I will punish myself by cutting and pasting this fact one hundred times . In the old day , I would have had to write lines . The mistake is causing me to soul search . I winged out on who the leader of North Korea . Therefore , I must become a lefty . Saturday Evening , the Wuxi Family Kaulins went to a Korean BBQ Buffet Restaurant in Nanchang Market . Andis drank a lot of beer because he found the food on offering boring , except for the salad bar which did have thousand islands dressing . Tony put on his back pack halfway through the meal because he wanted to go . So , Andis spent half his time chasing Tony about . Jenny , in the meanwhile , ate . Tony had his Dad hold him up so they could look out a window . They saw a canal , some tourist boats , the Hotel Nikkei , and a lot of Villa housing . Bruins and Canucks in the Stanley Cup Final . A final that pleases in many ways . For one thing , there are two teams from two serious hockey towns competing for the cup . Secondly , these are two franchises that would look nice hoisting the Cup - - Vancouver because they are a Canadian team ; Boston because they haven 't won it since 1972 . Poor Tampa Bay didn 't make the finals . Oh well . It is not like they had fans anyway . In fact , it is one of those finals where I couldn 't care less who wins . None of the teams strikes me as being disagreeable in some manner . There are no teams from Ontario , Arizona , or Florida in the final . Here is a list of shows from a podcast that I have recently discovered and instantly fallen in love with . I love you Milt Rosenburg ! I will say that again . I love you Milt Rosenburg ！ I never in a million years would have predicted that I would have put such a thing in my blog . Better to listen to Rosenburg than to podcasts from the Guardian . I exposed myself to their political broadcast . Yuck ! Their nuanced analysis of American politics ? Obama good ！ Bush bad ! If the Republicans nominated an old piAndis Kaulins Actually , the Home Mart was not demolished . The Home Mart of which I speak was closed years ago . What I mean is that the building that the Home Mart was in has been demolished . Currently , the ground , that it once occupied , is nothing but an open space occupied by a big pile of rubble . This pile or rubble really is quite a stark sight for this long - time Wuxi Expat - - that is if you can say that being in Wuxi since 2004 bestows on one the right to call oneself a long - time , long - term Wuxi Expat , who if he felt so inclined could call others newbies - - but I wouldn 't do that ! Oh no ! I am not one to lord it over the others in that manner - - though I know many Wuxi Expats who are inclined or were inclined to . Shame on them ! Anyway . Pardon my digression ! Please ! What I mean to say is that in 2003 or 2004 when I first came to Wuxi , that intersection , which I am dammed if I can remember the name of , had a Home Mart and a Sheraton Hotel diagonally opposite from each other . Now , the Hotel is run by a different chain , and diagonally opposite the hotel is a big pile of rubble . Down the street from this pile of rubble there used to be Ronnie 's Pub . Ronnie 's isn 't there anymore and now neither is the Home Mart . Memories light the corner of my mind ! Sweet - colored memories . . . . . . . Posted by The Toronto Maple Leafs have gone 44 years without winning the Stanley Cup . In Wuxi , there are brick walls , which are everywhere and are built for a variety of reasons . Some are built to cover the fact of demolition . Some are built to stop people from roaming in empty fields . This morning , I saw workers scavenging bricks from one of these walls . I presume they were taking the bricks to another construction site in the area . Photo of Tony taken Friday Morning . On the bus last night , I saw video of Kim Il Sung , the leader of North Korea , visiting Beijing . It was so surreal , I couldn 't take my eyes off it and so I couldn 't study my Chinese textbook . I saw Kim Il Sung being given the red carpet treatment . Sung posed for photos with , and shook the hands of , all the big wigs of the Chinese leadership including Wen Jiabao and Hu Jiantao . He was taken to a commercial display featuring big - screen televisions and Ipad like devices . I could just imagine the sort of poverty his people are experiencing - - I wondered if any of them had televisions . Sung wore a brown suit with ugly glasses , and looked for all the world like an Atilla the Hun being shown electricity . The visit ended at the train station as Chinese officials waved to Sung boarding his train . Why can 't he take a plane ? I wondered . Wuxi China Subway Update on youtube or youku . Near the school is the intersection of Zhongshan and Xueqian Roads . It is a busy intersection and so it always has three or four traffic cops monitoring it . They are all equipped with whistles which they blow when someone is attempting a traffic indiscretion . Most of the time , pedestrians heed the cops and their whistles . But every once in a while , someone doesn 't heed them and it is quite the sight . This morning , I saw one of these rebellious pedestrians jaywalk in front of a traffic cop . The cop , a female , whistled at him , but he muttered at her and continued on his way . The female coop keep blowing her whistle ehile summoning the attention of a male cop who was standing in the center of the Andis Kaulins If you are interested and are a Native English Speaker , email me at akaulins @ gmail . com for more information . Also , you can visit here and here for more details . Posted by Are the Vancouver Canucks Canada 's team ? Maybe not . Having lived from the East Coast to the West Coast of Canada , I can remember when the Canucks barely entered the consciousness of this Montreal Canadiens fan who was then living in Quebec and New Brunswick . But then I moved to Manitoba and when I became a Jets fan , I hated the Canucks . But when the Jets left Winnipeg and I moved to British Columbia , the Canucks became my team . And I still cheer for them from afar here in China . However , I was reminded of how many Canadians are loyal to their local team , and don 't care for their neighboring Canadian team when I listened to a podcast segment of the Charles Adler show that asked if the Canucks were Canada 's team . I was reminded that many Oilers and Flames fans don 't care for the Canucks . And some of the Canucks detractors did make a point about British Columbians that I had forgotten - - some BCers have an element of barbarism to them . Many of them , I recall , thought little of the Rest of Canada . Be that as it may , I will cheer for the Canucks in the 2011 Final . The Vancouver Canucks are definitely Wuxi China Expatdom 's team . Read about it here and here . Do the Tampa Bay Lightning have fans ? Just wondering . Ayira versus Oprah : the latest fight of the century . Is Tony sleeping ? Video of Tony jumping on the couch . I ask again , at a different site : Is Tony Sleeping ? Posted by Can the Canucks win their game before I go teach a class ? Currently , they are in double overtime with the Sharks . If the Canucks can score , they will be in the Stanley Cup final . The weather in Wuxi ? It is quite lovely . Temperatures in the mid twenties celsius . Last evening , Wuxi looked lovely . Something about the sun shining at supper time made even the piles of rubble look lovely . I go to class . . . . . I come back and I see that the Canucks have won ! I will watch the highlights and go back to work . Posted by Jenny and Tony are sleeping upside down . That is , only I have my head at the head of the bed , and my feet at the foot of bed . They have their feet at the head of bed and their heads at the foot of the bed . Posted by Rain in Wuxi . Ahem ! Canucks beat Sharks 4 - 2 , take 3 - 1 lead in Stanley Cup Semifinal Series . Yes ! Heat beat Bulls ! A victory for evil . Darn ! Not much to say today ! 天啊 ！ 我 爱 Jenny ！ 我 不 爱 Obama ！ 我 觉得 Obama 是 坏人 ！ I have nothing to say today so I will type in some Chinese . Some Chinese grandparents think that the school children today do too much homework . I would have thought this would be so , but that is what I have been told . I was listening to a podcast about the American Civil War that was life - changing . I think I will become a civil war buff when I move back to Canada , whenever that will be . Posted by Now there are water melon sellers near the location where , three or four years ago , I took the video Wuxi China Bengal Dog . This year , the water melon sellers appear to be a couple with no children or pet dogs painted up . Tony Kaulins went to a cinema for the first time on Saturday night . Read about Tony 's experience here . The movie was nothing special . The who Chinese movie experience was nothing special as well . The popcorn is sweet . The movie was shown without trailers . The screen was square . Friday it was broiling in Wuxi - literally Fryday . Saturday was so cool that I had regrets about not having brought a jacket with me . Holding Tony while standing on a crowded bus is painful . Tony weighs a lot now so it is hard to hold him in one arm while I am holding onto a pole or stander 's handle to maintain balance . My sometime collaborator on the Wuxi China Expatdom Blog is having a birthday this Sunday . Happy Birthday Harry ！ Something tells me it 's all happening in the WCE ! I do believe it ! I do believe it 's true ! Woo hoo hoo ! Sunday on the way to work , I saw that another bus and car collision had occurred . Posted by I wonders . I have been feeling whooped this past week . I am teaching classes , and trying to stay on top on my other interests and responsibilities . I study Chinese everyday . I have three books , on the trot , that I am reading . I have some upcoming classes to prepare . I play with Tony all I can . But at the end of the day , before I do fall asleep , I wonder if I am doing anything productive . Getting up early the next day , I feel there isn 't enough time . And yet , I wonder what and how and why I am doing whatever it is that I do . I blog as well . Here are some links : Wake Up Tony ! , Two Toys Found ! , Latvian food producers have not yet exhausted Wuxi China Expatdom market possibilities , Tony plays a guitar and sings into a microphone , Wake Up Tony : the video ! , Tony does a pose for the camera , The Armed Forces and Society Festival will be held in Shuo Feng , and Tony ! 早上好 ！ Tonight 's SPC topic : sweet talking . With some imaginative students , this can be a good class . Chinese Kindergartens are going on the Internet promising to give Visas to foreign teachers , even though they aren 't able to . My school gives me my Visa no problem , but that is because they have allotments from the Bureau of Education . I want a sister or brother for Tony ! I don 't want Tony to be a bully . But I do want him to be able to bully the bullies . Neighbor thinks Tony is fat . I think he looks solid , unlike his slim classmates . Over a thousand posts on TKIC blogspot . About three thousand views though . Hopefully , they are all from my parents . Yes ! The Bruins have a 2 - 1 series lead on Tampa Bay Whatevers . Canucks - - Bruins Stanley Cup Final ! Here we come ! Posted by Tony plays guitar on youku . Tony sings and plays guitar on youku . Some Wuxi Expats honour Arnold Schwarenegger Tony wears slippers and pours himself a drink . Tony makes his own video . Tony listens to his father . Posted by This local woman I was talking to , told me her grandfather died in 1946 . From what I could make out of her story telling , her grandfather was rich and was murdered by kidnappers . At the time in China , there was little law and order . So , her grandfather being rich , had land , and so was kidnapped on many occasions by these men demanding ransom . Finally , the grandmother had nothing to give . . . . If wasn 't interesting enough , the woman then told me that her grandmother had fifteen children ! Four of them survived to adulthood , including the woman 's mother . The others died because of childhood diseases and war ( some had been soldiers ) . One of the grandmother 's sons , the woman 's uncle , fled to Taiwan in 1949 , and it wasn 't till 1989 till the grandmother and the uncle saw each other again . The pleasure of seeing her son after all those years , however , killed the grandmother . A jaw - dropping set of circumstances for this blogger . What 's Tony like at school ? We had one of his teachers over for supper on Monday evening and she gave us details . This teacher was from South America . She was from Columbia , moved to Venezuela , but then had to flee Hugo Chavez . Chavez , from what she says , is trying to turn Venezuela into North Korea . He is closing the country off to the world , and the thugs rule . She found it mind - boggling , that in this day and age , where Communism has been proven to not work , that Chavez wants to bring it back . Meanwhile , gullible lefties that I have meet in China have expressed admiration for him . Anyone who picks on a Texas evangelical has to be good right ? Actually - - good left - - that last question was left - wing logic . Meanwhile , I also hear this talk of getting " the oil speculators who are driving up the price of oil . " or so they say . Speculators serve an economic purpose that isn 't fully appreciated . First off , as I remember Milton Friedman saying , speculators take on risks . Every economic decision made is a risk - - a gamble as it were . The idea that if we just get rid of the gambling in the economy , that allAndis Kaulins Saturday Day is no good . It is hot . Night is alright because I am with the wife and son . 星期六 ， 我 有工作 。 我 教 四个课 。 I will have to do more of this . 我 太太 是 中国人 。 我们 有 一个孩子 。 他的 名字 是 Tony . I went to a part of Wuxi that I had never been to before . There was this road which I was familiar with up to a certain point . Thursday , the road took me past this point and I saw yet another large industrial area . Over a bridge , the road took me , before it became bumpy and potholed . And this road took one to the industrial area . The bad section of road caused the drivers and cyclists to take evasive actions and so make traffic even more chaotic than I was accustomed - - even after being in Wuxi for six years . Before Chinese holidays start , half the customers in the larger supermarkets will use debits cards from the supermarket to purchase things . These cards have a story behind them , that I hesitate to provide details about , but which if I could , would explain why sometimes you can get things cheaper in small shops than in grocery stores . I can say that people who use these cards don 't pay much attention to prices and so " things " can be pulled over on them . For example , a single bottle of beer can have a cheaper unit price than a case . It is not only home dwellers who can be forced to move by the goverment when it decides to do some construction . Companies can be told to move as well , I learned , as I talked to the boss of one . Some students ! I asked one what games or sports he liked . He told me he didn 't like games . I asked him what job was interesting . He said accountant . I asked why . He said it was his job . 星期五晚饭 ， 我 吃了 米饭 和 川牛肉 。 很好吃 ！ Friday night , I am on the bus , minding my own business . I was studying my Chinese textbook listening to an ESPN podcast on my mobile phone , when all - of - a - sudden I got a phone call . Receiving a phone call while listening to a podcast can be quite annoying for me , because anytime this happens , I have to rAndis Kaulins As I make this entry , my blogspot blogs are in read - only mode which means I can 't publish entries to them . I am sure the problem will be fixed . But it justifies my having blogs on two different publishing platforms . I follow seven game of the Red Wings - - Sharks NHL playoff series on the Internet by looking at the score and time remaining updates on a Canadian Sports network website . Even though I wasn 't seeing the action and taking in the crowd atmosphere , I felt tense as I saw the Sharks had a one goal lead and the time was not seeming to run down fast enough . But now that the game is over , and the Sharks have won , I can feel relief . I am cheering for the Canucks and the prospect of playing a hot Red Wing team didn 't bode well . I am pleased that the Canucks will play a Sharks team that is now happy to have even made it to the series . Aesthetically , the prospect of the Canucks or the Sharks in the Stanley Cup Final is fine . I just hope that either of these two West coast teams doesn 't have to play the Tampa Bay Lightning in the final . So : Go Boston ! ! ! Go Canucks ! ! A Boston - - Vancouver final would be mighty pleasing . Top ten things for tourists to do in the Wuxi China Expatdom . At the church near my school , you can get an English - Chinese Bible ( one page English - - the opposite page in Chinese ) for fifty rmb . The student who has told me about this , says that the Chinese translation is well - done . I will have to see what version of the Bible is used for the English . I know enough Chinese characters that I can impress some locals with my knowledge . What I have been doing is reading a Chinese textbook on the bus ( with minimal pinyin - - I have to read the characters ) and study flashcards on the computer : this is the site I use . Tony was not a happy camper on Friday morning . Posted by McDonald 's has some new burger on its menu - - a double bacon burger with some lettuce and sauce on top . I bought it , liked it , and even got a small coca - cola glass with it . I will give the glass to Tony . It was a blue colour . Funny , another trainer bought the double bacon burger and got a pink glass . And of course , he is the butt of many male office jokes . Interesting conversations with some students yesterday about China , where it has gone , and where it is going . While the students were happy with the progress China has made , they did express worries about the future and whether China can make the changes it needs to advance further . There is still too much corruption in China , they told me . Two days of Summer heat followed by two days of wet autumn - like weather . From , Manitoba , Canada , my parents tell me that the spring floods this year are particularly high . They have sent me some photos . They don 't have to worry so much because they are far from the valley with its flood plain that divides their town of Brandon in two . Things haven 't calmed down in the Wuxi China Expatdom : visit here or here to find out what 's going on . I did an English Corner about Germany . The students told me that they find Germans have no sense of humor but admire their engineering precision skills and engineering minds . One student told me how the first Subway line built in Shanghai , had been designed by Germans and thought strange by the Chinese because it had so many curves in its path . But it turned out , there was a good reason having the tunnels curve instead of go straight which wasn 't appreciated till the second subway line was built . Curved tunnels facilitate cooling . I introduced the students to the word " redeem " and " redemption " when talking about the German history . The students all agreed that Germany had redeemed itself - - however , they added that Japan hadn 't . Speaking of Japan , here is a very informative article about Japan in the aftermath of the earthquake . I have no more studio photos of Tony to show . I am now posting more Andis Kaulins The intersection at which I ended the video Wuxi Expat goes to work # 1 had at least two accidents on Tuesday . The first accident , between a bus and a SUV happened at 1130 a . m . The bus was making a wide right turn and the SUV made a right turn on the inside . The result was the front passenger side corner of the bus hit the SUV 's driver side back door . The second accident , that I saw , happened about 330 p . m . Two black VW Santanas had a head - on collision , that was not so serious . One of the Santanas was trying to make a quick left turn in front of the other Santana which was trying to go straight through the intersection . The left - turning Santana did not succeed in its goal . To accurately describe the left turn that was attempted , I would hope you understand it when I say that the left turning vehicle was essentially cutting off the on - coming vehicle . Cutting off other drivers happens so often in China that it usually never raises someone 's cackles , except when there is an accident . It must be the heat causing these accidents . The temperature has been above thirty so far this week . I am sweating . We have turned the fan on in the bedroom . Tony and Jenny are sleeping without covers . Tony is wandering around the house in his underwear . At the Tesco yesterday , I saw a group of five adults who must have never been in a Supermarket before . When I first noticed them , their open - mouthed awe at the surroundings was very noticeable . And when they laid eyes on me , the laowai , the newbies did an even more noticeable double - take . Later , as Jenny and I went to the cashiers to pay for our groceries , I saw the five of them sit on the floor to rest and take in more of their surroundings . I would have thought by now that most Chinese would have become accustomed to things like supermarkets . The current high humidity means thunder showers and micro bursts in the Wuxi area . Posted by Fred Astaire , one of the top five cool guys in my books ( along with Clint Eastwood , GK Chesterton , Steve McQueen , and Evelyn Waugh ) is 112 years old today . I find it interesting - - you probably don 't - - that Astaire is one year older than my grandfather ( on my father 's side ) . The best description I heard of Astaire was that he was a natural aristocrat . Watching his films , I see he spewed grace and class out of every orifice and pore of his body . He is being honored in the Wuxi China Expatdom . I first read of this on the Internet , and now a local has repeated the story to me that Wuxi 's # 2 metro line construction has been ordered stopped by some environmental compliance board . However , the construction is continuing . First , I should say that the line being built near Casa K is the # 1 and I didn 't realize until just recently that more than one line is being currently constructed in Wuxi . Secondly , I find the story strange , and that something else must be going on . It seems unusual that the disobeyance of a bureaucratic order on such a grand scale on such a highly visible public works project would be reported in the local media . It wouldn 't surprise me that the financing of the Metro is all screwed up , and that the story of line construction being ordered stopped for environmental reasons is a cover . Or maybe some other group is trying to muscle in on the construction . But that is idle speculation on my part . I had been told once , hush hush , that there was a financing problem with the subway line . Residents of the PRC who go to Taiwan , I have been told , are given a new passport when they go to Taiwanese customs . This " proper " passport is useless for the PRCers , but the Taiwanese have a point to make . The PRC passport is not recognized by the Taiwanese . The Taiwanese won 't stamp the PRC passport but merely tear a corner off one of its pages . I learned this when the PRCer told me she went to Taiwan , and so questions immediately popped into my mind about how the Taiwan - - PRC passport issue was dealt with . Posted by It is the darndest thing to have something you have been working on for four years , disappear all - of - a - sudden . The funniest thing about it was that it didn 't seem such a bad thing at all . Sunday around noon , I went to my wordpress blog home page and saw that one of my four wordpress blogs ( AKIC , TKIC , WCE , and AB ) wasn 't listed - - the missing blog was AKIC . Seeing this , I did the usual things like refresh , enter AKIC 's url , and try to re - log onto my wordpress account . I eventually saw messages indicating my account was suspended and that my blog had violated some code of conduct . I quickly sent a message to wordpress support for an explanation . A quick response to my message was promised after I entered and sent the provided form . Before I did get a quick response , all sorts of thoughts went through my mind as to what I had done wrong . Did my story about Tony pulling his pants down outside the restaurant bathroom violate someone 's standards ? Was I in trouble over my Wuxi China Expatdom Blog which is full of absconded images and characters like Gorzo ? Perhaps , it wasn 't such a good idea to use two blogging platforms to publish the same material . Going through the code of conduct , I wandered if I should have written put up statues instead of erect statues in my WCE Mother 's Day entry . I remember once before have a document rejected till I changed a word because it has sexual connotations . Though my mind raced with things I could have done wrong , I did take the possibility of losing the blog and all the writing I had put into it calmly . I really did not feel like I was a victim . I even wondered if the abrupt ending of the blog wasn 't such a bad thing - - it is mostly crappy writing anyway . In the evening , I got an email from wordpress saying my site was flagged by automated anti - spam controls , and that after a review of my site , the suspension notice was removed . They ended the email with an apology . Seeing how I don 't pay for the service , I have nothing to complain about . Posted by The world of AKIC pays tribute to two moms . AKIC 's Mom , and TKIC 's Mom . Andis 's Mom Aina lives in Brandon , Manitoba , Canada and looks after Andis 's Dad . Tony 's Mom Jenny lives in Wuxi , China and has two boys to look after . Without these women , AKIC and TKIC would be helpless . Which is needless to say , but we will say anyway . Bonus LinksAction Tony : the boy who never sleeps . A story : Bathroom is on the first floor ! Wuxi China Expatdom celebrates Mother 's Day and Hayek 's Birthday Posted by The Kaulins Family was going to go to this Chairman Mao Cultural Revolutionary Redux Restaurant that had just opened in the shopping complex near Casa K . ( Casa K is located in the Hui Shan District of Wuxi . ) This restaurant , however , had just opened on a Tuesday , and it being its opening weekend , there was no way the K family was going to get a table without waiting a hour . So , they instead went to a Korean Restaurant , in the same shopping complex , that had opened a few months earlier . The restaurant had no lineup . They were immediately seated on the second floor of the restaurant . The little boy Tony was his usual rambunctious self running all over the restaurant and hardly taking the time to sit , eat , and drink . He did drink half a can of cola . And so he had to use the bathroom . Tony , when needing to use the bathroom , tells his parents what he needs to do , and they accompany him . At the Korean Restaurant , he followed his usual procedure . His Dad was to accompany him . Dad , however , didn 't know where the bathroom was , so to a restaurant staff girl , he asked " W . C . 在 那里 ？ " The staff girl answered " 一楼 " , which meant the first floor . Dad then turned to look for Tony , and saw that Tony already had his pants down . Laughing , Dad pulled them up and took Tony downstairs . Tony , at home , when having to use the bathroom , pulls his pants down and then head to the bathroom . Posted by I will try to give Tony my complete and undivided attention tonight . I have two things to be concerned about with this pledge . First , I wonder if I will be able to resist going to the Internet or doing my own thing . Second , I have to see if Tony wants me to give him attention - - perhaps , he won 't be interested . I do want to impress him with the fact that tomorrow is Mother 's Day . Posted by I work on Saturday and Sunday . So , I am not heading into the weekend yet . Not that I am complaining . I avoid the weekend crowds . Yes ! Nucks take 3 - 1 lead their series with the Nashville Predators . It looks like they will meet the Sharks in the Western Final . Why do some street vendors and small shop owners sell their wares in the midst of the rubble of their demolished surroundings ? Surroundings , that is , that have been demolished so the government can build new things . They have no where else to go . The shop owners have no deed or title to the area they had been using for shops or selling street food . The local government demolishes the area and hopes the vendors leave , of their own accord . I have more and more choices for podcast listening . In the past week , I have been downloading MP3s of audio articles and editorials . The Wuxi Jaywalkers , the official Major League Baseball Fantasy Team of Wuxi Expats , are currently in 8th place ( out of 10 teams ) in their league . I have had to completely revamp the pitching staff which has been the worst in the league . I had an opportunity to go to the back offices of the Baoli Carrefour . I was looking at the departmental signs ( which were in Chinese ) and I was happy to see a could read some of them . ( Socks in Chinese are 内衣 nei yi ( pinyin ) ) Wuxi is starting to get humid . I am happy to stay in the shade of my office or apartment during the day . Tonight 's English Corner Topic ? Travel in Jiangsu . The right says that the techniques that Obama decried ended up helping kill Osama . The left says it is a myth . 我 很 喜欢 我的学校 和 我的小儿子 。 Doing an interview with a student to determine his level , I had to resort to Chinese to get him to answer questions . 天啊 ！ Perhaps , I should make some Chinese entries . 我 可能 写 中文 在 我的 电脑 。 Posted by Twelve guys with white helmetsAround my neighborhood in Wuxi , I always see these guys with white police helmets riding on motorcycles . They always ride in pairs , and I wonder why are they cruising about . This morning ( Thursday ) , I saw twelve of these guys gathered outside a restaurant at my apartment complex . I wish I could have taken a photo . Later on in the morning , I saw these five girls , dressed like airline stewardesses , lined up at the entrance to an department store on Zhongshan Road at what used to be the Sheraton . I marveled at the use of womanpower . I also wish I could have taken a photo . Tony Kaulins Links Tony Kaulins in the studio # 49 Tony Kaulins in the studio # 50Tony Kaulins in the studio # 51 Tony Kaulins in the studio # 52 How Father got son to giggle ( attention : adult content ) Tony in the van that takes him to school NHL PlayoffsThe second round of the NHL playoffs has already seen one sweep - - what happened to the Caps ? And there is a chance there could be two more as the Bruins lead the Flyers 3 - 0 and the Sharks lead the Red Wings 3 - 0 . It seems that the Canucks are in tough as they lead the Preds 2 - 1 in a low scoring series that has seen two games go into O . T . OBLThe students haven 't had much to say about the death of OBL . Asking them if it was a good thing , most either said yes , or had no opinion . I mentioned the Obama birth certificate controversy , and a few said they had heard about . I got lots of laughs that asking if I could see their or Hu Jiantao 's birth certificate . For what its worth , I say good on Obama for ordering the attack on OBL 's compound . He talked about doing such things during the election campaign and carried through with it . But there was wanton negligence in not giving credit to Bush , Cheney , and Rumsfeld whose efforts to fight terrorism were constantly being undermined by the Democrats and then candidate Obama . Bush , it has been said , was reluctant to go into Pakistan for fears of offending an ally . Obama criticized this during the campaign . However , Bush did order the droAndis Kaulins The Vancouver Canucks have beaten the Nashville Predators in overtime to take a two - one lead in their best of seven series . Yahoo ! I want a take a vacation . The wife says we should spend it in her hometown . Now , I don 't want to take a vacation . Aaahh ! ! ! I buy a small container of milk at kedi . The clerk tries to give me a straw . I say 不要 ！ The Clerk then asks 你可以说中文 ？ I then say 一点点 ！ One million views ! Good on me ! A tragedy at a Wuxi Expat wedding . But it was all just a big misunderstanding . Right ! The Conservatives have won a majority in the Canadian Federal Election . Double Whoopee Yahoo ! My English Corner tonight will be about Colors . Oh boy ! One minute a day on facebook is all I need . Yes ! ! ! ! The Caps are down three - zero to Tampa Bay . Nooo ! My mobile phone destroys earphones . I have gone through four already . I am just going to have to walk around with the phone stuck to my ear so I can listen to podcasts . Damn ! I asked one of my classes for thoughts about the death of OBL . A few students said they didn 't care - - it was an American thing . A few students said OBL deserved it . One student said OBL was a good man . The rest had no opinion . I saw OBL 's image on newspapers and my bus 's video screen . I was the only one in my circle here who was aware Canada had had an election . Posted by I am blown away by the Canadian Federal Election results which were as follows : Conservatives 167 seatsNew Democratic Party 102Liberals 34Bloc Quebecois 4Greens 1 No one would have predicted these results when the election campaign started five weeks ago . I am happy to see that the Conservatives have finally gotten a majority . Preston Manning would be proud to see old Reformer Steven Harper as Prime Minister . I am stunned by the NDP 's incredible showing . Ha ha to the Liberals ! The party of Trudeau had a schmuck for a leader this election . Iggy didn 't even win his seat . And as for the Bloc Quebecois , this joke of a party , a party dedicated to breakup of Canada , deserve a fate similar to that of Bin Laden - - extinction , though not physical but electoral . In the next four years , I expect a few Wisconsin 's happening - - Harper going to be demonized in the way that Mulroney was when he was prime minister . The Left in Canada has shifted far leftwards . Posted by OBL , NHL , Election , KFIC There seems to be so much in the news lately , as I was saying before , that it is hard to keep up with it all . I heard about the death of OBL while I was at Siemens in the Macallane Home Decoration Mall . A foreigner I know mentioned that someone phoned him to tell him the news . My first reaction was surprise that Bin Laden was alive after all these years . I had assumed that he had been buried in some cave during an American bombing campaign . His death didn 't make me feel like gloating . Vengeful gloating is unbecoming and far as I am aware , a sin . Still , It is good that America did it . It is good to see that Obama had the courtesy to tell Bush the news personally . I will monitor the Canadian election results with keen interest . I would love to see the Liberals relegated to third place , and a Conservative majority . The second round of the National Hockey League Playoffs have been surprising . The way things seem to be playing out now presents the possibility of a Florida - California Stanley Cup Final - - that is , San Jose versus Tampa Bay . I don 't like the sound of that . In Brandon , Manitoba , my parents are dealing with floods and snow . Just within the last week , they say they got a foot of snow fall on their house . The snow is the last thing a community dealing with floods have to deal with . Meanwhile , I caught this news about CFB Shilo soldiers dying in a SUV accident 。 It happened on the low road that links Shilo and Brandon - - a road I know well and which I was able to ride last summer . Cooking and Foot Massage Monday , I did a second day of cooking for Siemens and had my first ever foot massage . The cooking went well . We ( and Zach with whom I do the cooking gig ) made quesadilas , deluxe garlic cheese toast , and a potato - bacon - cheese jazz dish . I called it a jazz dish because we had to improvise . We had planned to make baked potatoes , but when our assistants went to clean the potatoes , they also decided to peel them . We were at a lost as to what to do . We wrapped the peeled potatoes in tin foAndis Kaulins I have had the misfortune of being out and about Wuxi on the May Day Holiday . Saturday evening , April 30 , Jenny needed to buy Tony formula , and so the K Family went to the Carrefour at Baoli . The lineups at the checkouts were thirty or forty people long . It took us over an hour to get our little bit of shopping done . Getting home was a chore because all the buses were standing room only , and no taxis could be readily hired . We had to wait fifteen minutes before we could catch a cab - - a least hundred occupied taxis drove past us . Sunday , I was up early to do a cooking gig for Siemens . I was at my local bus stop at six a . m . Already , there was a bunch of people also waiting to catch an early bus . I let a few buses go by in hopes of getting a seat . But it quickly came apparently that everyone wanted to go downtown and there was no way I was going to seat . I caught the next bus , and had to stand elbow - to - elbow for 45 minutes . And it was the same going back in the afternoon . The bus seemed packed , and somehow forty more people got on . This time on the ride back to Casa K , I had to stand elbow - to - elbow in muggy , smoggy conditions for 45 minutes . " What can 't all these people stay home ? Why do they tourture themselbes by trying to go anywhere on a day like this ? " I bitterly thought to myself . But as some students have told me , everyone goes out on these days because these are their only possible chances to go to parks or shopping - - they aren 't as fortunate as me to have days off during the week . Posted by I am Canadian . I have lived in Wuxi , China since September 2004 . I am ashamed to admit what I do here . In this blog , I recount the things I have seen and the experiences I have had here in Wuxi . I also make comments on things that strike my reactionary fancy . I work at HyLite Language School in Wuxi , China . If you are interested in coming to Wuxi to teach English , please send me an email at andiskaulins @ hotmail . com . I am always accepting resumes or CVs .
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I know this post is a little late in the day today , but I have a great reason . I just spent the morning at my 10 year old 's Halloween parade at school . So fun , so many great costumes . So flippin cold standing outside for two hours ! But fun . My boy went as a skeleton / zombie biker . This was one of the more creative costumes I saw . Jack ! Okay , this kid cracks me up . I 've known him since 1st grade , and every year he dresses as food . One year he was a bowl of spaghetti , one year a box of popcorn . This year … French fries ! ( He kept yelling at the other kids to " Stop eating me ! " ) But , my favorite has to be the many San Francisco Giants baseball players . There were tons ! Yes , I live near San Francisco , and , yes , everyone here totally has World Series fever . Myself included . On Sunday I 'll be taking the big boy and Baby T trick - or - treating . I 'm dressing as a cat . . . at least I 'm wearing the ears and a tail . : ) It 'll be Baby T 's first time , so I 'm not sure how much actually trick - or - treating and how much crying he 'll do , but we do have an adorable costume for him . The Puny Pirate ! No , that 's not him in the picture . Why ? Because every time I put this on him he bursts into tears . The kid hates the ruffles . He pulls at them and yells every time I put it on him . My backup plan if he pulls another " No Puffy Shirt ! " on me on Halloween is to dress him in his Giants T - shirt , draw in a black beard with eyeliner , and have him go as Brian Wilson . So , what are you guys dressing up as this year ? Any big Halloween plans ? So it seems I have a sinus infection . Not fun . One of the more telling signs was / is complete and total fatigue . On Tuesday I was so exhausted I literally needed to pull over and take a nap in my car . See , a guy who I have recently started dating happened to call while I was parked in some random Starbucks parking lot slumped over my steering wheel with my eyes closed while all the caffeinated pedestrians around me were undoubtedly wondering if I was homeless and / or drunk . At that time I didn 't know what the problem was , only that I wasn 't feeling well and I couldn 't stay awake . I was actually a bit teary while talking to him . " I know we 're in the stage of our relationship where I should be trying to make a good impression , " I whimpered , " and I know what I 'm about to say isn 't going to do it , but I feel like crap ! I 'm sleeping in my car , I feel like I want to throw up and my nose is clogged ! " But you know what he did ? He asked me a few questions about my location and after realizing that I wasn 't far from his place he temporarily left work and asked me to meet him there . When I got there he tucked me into bed , told me to sleep as long as I liked and to make myself at home and then he went off in order to get to his next meeting . And none of that impressed me as much as this new guy 's offer to set me up for my mid - afternoon nap . Offering material pleasures is easy for those who have means . But THIS guy actually went out of his way for me when there was absolutely nothing in it for him ( other than possible exposure to some horrible disease ) . He has no idea how many brownie points he 's earned . I liked him before but now I am officially smitten . Mwah , hah , hah , hah ! Halloween , baby ! Woo hoo ! I am a total spaz for Halloween ! We decorate the house more than we do at any other time . I have more than a dozen animatronic characters , a haunted village that moves and makes noise , and my iPod has 3 separate Halloween playlists . Here are a few things that frighten me most about Halloween this year : Midterm Elections . Nothing strikes fear into my heart more . The politicians running for office are creepier than eating cheesecake at Hustler Hollywood ( which I did once - shudder . Trust me , don 't ever eat dessert where you can see and smell latex genitals ) . Anyway , the campaign ads make outrageous claims , " Bob Blarfandar eats human babies for breakfast and has sex with squirrels in front of the neighbors . . . " Or maybe that 's just my state ? You guys probably have normal candidates . Slutty kid costumes . I 've seen more midriff - baring , daisy duke - skirted , thigh - high wearing elementary school girls in stillettos than I ever need to see again . What is WRONG with parents ? " Oh , look at Susie ! We had to use makeup shading on her chest to give her cleavage , but isn 't she adorable ? " Funny how they react when I respond , " Actually , she looks like a five year - old whore . . . like the rest of the girls in her kindergarten class . " When I snap and start sniping people from my roof , these parents will be the first to go . Bad weather and bad weathermen . As temps and such begin to go south , we will vasilate between rain / mud and sleet / ice . Which means the weathermen will have all kinds of dire predictions , like , " The conditions are ripe for a Godzilla Attack in Henderson County tonight . . . " I mean , where exactly do you go hide from an iminent Godzilla attack ? The basement is only good for tornados . Running around outside will get you eaten or fried . Why don 't the weathermen actually prepare us for this stuff ? Well , that 's my list of what 's scary this year . What are you afraid of ? The Assassin Cut it out ! ! When I was a kid , my mom used to say those words all the time . And depending on exactly how bad " it " was , she would often scream it versus say it . And she wasn 't talking about getting a pair of scissors and making paper dolls , either . These were the last three words she used before she came storming into a room , or turned around to the backseat of the car , and started dealing out punishment . While you may not believe me , ninety - nine percent of the time , she wasn 't talking to me . Nope . I was a good kid , the only girl , and quiet . I mostly lived in my head , telling myself stories . I didn 't have any idea I wanted to be a writer , but man , I wrote books in my head . Most of those books were about a girl and some really cute guy , a good kisser , of course . And oh , yeah , the girl didn 't have brothers . You see , it was my two brothers who got those words tossed at them regularly by my mom . Not that I didn 't have to hear them . Mom and Dad were smart . I don 't know if they made me this way , or if I was born this way , but I 'm a buffer , a person who , when caught in the middle of a conflict , feels compelled to solve the conflict . My parents would put me in charge of my brothers , and if there were seats involved , I was always in the middle . Like a weather forecaster , I would predict disasters . " You 're gonna make Mom mad , and she 's going to ground you . " Or , " Mom 's going to send Daddy in to talk to you two . " When Daddy was sent in , it was never good . Sometimes , I was even pushed to the point that I used those three words myself . " Cut it out ! " I 'd yell at my brothers . Seriously , have you ever been in the backseat between two juvenile delinquents who liked to jab each other , or play paper , rock and scissors and the winner would hurt the loser and then the loser would get mad and go after the winner ? Do you know how many times , I had to crawl out between a fight ? If their antics didn 't involve violence , then it was usually worse . They called them barking spiders . The game was to see whose sPosted by It 's no secret that people think accounting is one of the most boring , mundane jobs on the planet . But those on the inside know different . Being an accountant allows you to ransack your clients ' underwear drawers . Not literally , of course . But figuratively . When you review clients ' financial records , you learn more about them than you ever wanted to know . Their hopes and dreams . The issues that tug at their heartstrings . Their deepest , darkest secrets . A client might make substantial charitable contributions to an animal welfare organization , while also providing a hotel receipt for a business trip on which he charged an in - room porn movie - proving he , too , is an animal . It 's a little embarrassing to explain that the IRS might frown on a deduction for " Debbie Does Dallas . " A client might have set aside a tidy sum for his children 's college education , but have diverted an even tidier sum to the twinkie he 's keeping on the side . Naughty , naughty boy . Financial records might show tuition paid to a Catholic girls ' school , along with payments to a pharmacy for a teenager 's birth control pills . Substantial donations to the church building fund along with substantial charges at The T & A Cabaret . Thousands spent on spa treatments but mere hundreds paid to the full - time nanny . Alimony and child support paid to a string of ex - wives by a client who routinely trades in his families for newer models . Investments that tanked . Gambling losses . Get - rich - quick schemes that proved to be get - screwed - quick cons . It 's all there in black and white in the financial records . And , as they say , numbers don 't lie . Diane 's debut novel starring an IRS agent will be released in September 2011 . Details at www . dianekelly . com . After having just dropped $ 70 on something called " Egyptian Krux " at the skateboard shop ( I 'm still not sure what I bought him . ) , I told him that there were going to be no more big purchases until Christmas . If he wanted something he couldn 't afford with his allowance , he should put it on his Christmas list and send it to Santa . The Boy : Yeah , about that Santa thing . . . some of my friends don 't believe in Santa . The Boy : So , tell me the truth - is he real ? Me : Do you think he 's real ? ( Yes , I 'm totally evading the question here . ) It 's obvious the kid is on to me . So , with a heavy heart and the realization that his last magical Christmas has passed , I fess up . I tell him that there was a St . Nicholas who brought toys to children many years ago . But , after he died , the parents thought the kdis would be so disappointed that they carried on the tradition to keep the magic alive . ( Not bad , eh ? ) The Boy seemed a ) disappointed there is no magical sleigh or flying reindeer b ) impressed that I 'd actually been able to keep up a lie for so long , and c ) worried he might not get present from " Santa " this year . I assured him that as long as he was good ( and never breathed a word of this to his younger brother ) he would . That was a sad day for me . My little boy had grow up . But … it got worse … A couple of days later , The Boy lost a tooth . As you can tell from the Santa conversation , he 's way too cool for kid stuff now , so he was very blasé about the whole lost tooth thing . Which is probably why his mom forgot all about the lost tooth by bedtime . ( That and the fact that The Baby Who Won 't Sleep is turning me into a zombie . I swear , some days I 'm lucky I remember how to turn on my computer . ) All night I forgot about the tooth . Imagine my Bad Mommy moment when the next morning I wake The Boy up for school , he pops out of bed , gleefully checks under his pillow … and sees not money from the tooth fairy , but his tooth still sitting there . Doh , doh , doh ! Yeah . I had to fess up about the fairy then and there , too . And I gave him an extra dollar for being so understanding . He seemed okay with it ( money talks - he must be my kid ) , but on the way to school that morning he turns to me and says : I 've always said that if my books were adapted to television I wouldn 't make a big deal about the changes Hollywood would want to make to my stories . I 'm not an " artiste " and I know that what I 'm writing is commercial fiction rather than high - minded literature . So I figured that if I was ever lucky enough to get my work adapted I would be understanding , even encouraging , of decisions to tweak or even out right change things in order to make my work more TV - friendly . But here 's the thing , now there is a real chance that the Sophie Katz Mystery series will become a television series ( although it 's FAR from definite ) and I 'm being asked to make some real changes . Turns out real changes are much more daunting than theoretical ones . Go figure . Every time I 'm asked to make a change a little voice in my head starts stammering , " But , but , but , that 's not the way it goes ! " Fortunately most of these suggestions are delivered via email so I can scream , stomp my feet and pout in the privacy of my own home before writing up a very calm and politic email response . Of course not all the suggestions are bad . Sometimes ( once I 've finished screaming and pouting ) I realize that the suggestion in question is really quite good . But of course as soon as I make peace with the change another , more drastic change is put before me and then I have to add throwing things to my screaming - stomping - pouting tantrum . The reality is that an author 's books are sort of her children ( although admittedly I do love my actual child significantly more than my books but you know what I mean ) . When someone tells you that in order to adapt your books they will need to be changed in significant ways it 's like they 're telling you that your daughter has just walked into the office of a nearby plastic surgeon where she plans on getting a new nose and boobs . And now your daughter doesn 't even look like you ! She 's transformed and been given a totally new image ! It 's like your daughter is Cher ! And all you want to do is shake your child and say , " What the hell was wrong with the family nose ? I have that nose , and if it 's good enough for me it 's good enough for basic cable ! " But you can 't approach it that way . Children ( and Hollywood power players ) don 't respond well to hysterics . So instead you say , " Hey , I understand your need for a new look , but why don 't we just start with a little bit of collagen and take it from there ? " That 's where I 'm at with this thing . I 'm sitting wi - - Kyra " Fashionista Fatale " Davis In the tradition Christie started , I 'd like to begin with a brief interview of our newest " Killer . " Interview questions can be so dull sometimes - so I thought I 'd ask her the three favorite questions I 've ever been asked . Here goes ! Yes . I come from a long line of demon slayers . My grandmother had the gift . She used plug demons from her front porch down in South St . Louis . She always used to say , " You never know what form they 'll take . " But boy was she unpopular when she was forced to slay the Swanson Ice Cream man … er , demon . As far as where I get my ideas . I have no idea . I just pick out an idea that amuses me and I go with it . For example , the Accidental Demon Slayer books began when I started thinking about what would happen if a straight laced preschool teacher suddenly learns she 's a demon slayer . And what if she has to learn about her powers on the run from an eccentric mad scientist demon ? Ohhh and wouldn 't it be fun if she 's running with her long - lost Grandma 's gang of geriatric biker witches ? I wrote my ideas on the back of an envelope , and when I read it the next morning , decided this was something I could have a good time with . I liked the idea of a reluctant heroine thrust into a series of extraordinary situations , when all she really wants to do is to get her normal life back . Ha ! As if I 'm ever going to let that happen . By Robin " Red Hot " KayeLately it 's as if I 've been hit over the head , time and again with the fact that I am muse - less . All my writer friends have muses , my buddy DT Tarkus ( a man writing romance ) has a vodka - swilling , lap dancing muse who likes to take her clothes off . While I 'm happy for him , I 'm wondering why I don 't have a Hugh Jackman look - alike who drinks 20 year - old scotch and does lap dances for me while whispering fabulous turning points in my ear . I mean really , if Barbara Walters rates a Hugh Jackman lap dance , I think I should be able to imagine a muse who would entertain me at least that much . I 've gone in search of my muse partly by necessity . You see , I belong to a new grog called Blame It On The Muse and all the authors on the grog are supposed to interview their muses . That 's pretty hard to do when my muse is either non - existent or invisible , deaf , and mute . How does one find their muse ? Hell , right now I 'm considering lying about my muse , but I 'm one of those disgustingly honest people - the only thing I lied about as a kid were the sins I committed when I had to go to confession . Ah the pressure of the confessional . Aside from the occasional fight to the death with my sister who outweighed me by 70 pounds , what did I have to confess ? I 'll tell you what , nothing . So I 'd kneel there knowing that Father Francis was on the other side of the screen bored to tears . I 'd make up confession - worthy sins just to have something to talk about and a few Hail Marys to say so I didn 't look like the goody - two - shoes I was . Unfortunately , by the time I had anything really interesting to confess , Fr . Francis was ancient and I worried about causing the man to have a stroke or heart attack from the shock . But I digress … back to my missing muse . In my quest to find my muse , I 'm taking an online course called Muse Therapy . It just started and the first homework assignment is to name my muse , figure out what ticks him off , and what turns him on . If I knew how to do that , I wouldn 't have a Posted by I guess you guys noticed I looked skinnier last Monday , right ? Nah , that wasn 't me and I 'm not skinnier . For anyone who hasn 't noticed the redesign of the KF site , we have added five new killers to the mix . It 's tough work being a killer and some of us were getting old and tired on the job . Plus , fresh blood always makes a killer happier , so I hope you 're all enjoying our new members ! First , I want to share with you an epic fail of the English language . Warning : Spew Alert ! So what do you think - honest mistake ? bad school system ? truth in advertising ? No matter , it makes for a good laugh . Next up - Snooki gets a book deal . For those that love , hate or try to avoid the reality show Jersey Shore , it 's coming at you from all ends . Apparently , it wasn 't enough that The Situation was on Dancing With The Stars , now everyone 's favorite jelly - roll hair girl signed a book deal with Simon & Schuster to pen none other than - a romance novel . And then the fray in the writing community began . Now , let 's begin by saying , there 's no way Snooki is actually writing a book and we know it , so if you want to argue that ghost - writing is an insult to writers , then you better take on mega - industry James Patterson first . So move on to point two , which is why all the hate ? Some writers seem to take the stance that celebrity books take away slots from legitimate writers , but that is just not true . Celebrity books are a category unto themselves , and I would argue , make the publisher scads of money so they have to spend on legitimate writers . So what say you ? Insult or cash flow cow ? And are you going to try that Mickey D 's wrap ? Deadly DeLeon Baby T is officially a toddler now , and running around the place like crazy . He 's uncontainable - he can get into or out of anything . Seriously . Anything . Though , his favorite game is still playing in the toilet . Especially since he learned how to flush it . Coincidentally , The Man 's bluetooth has gone missing … Anyway , in addition to walking / running / flushing , he 's starting to talk a lot lately . He 's always been a babbler , but we can actually distinguish one babble from another now . The Man bought him the Your Baby Can Read system , and , while Baby T 's not actually up to proofreading my books for me yet ( though , I 'm hopeful ) he is saying most of the words on the video . He says , " gorilla " , " clap " , " dog " , " duck " , " Uh oh " ( he uses that one a lot ) , and " Dada . " Wanna know the one word he won 't say ? " Mama . " He used to say it . It was one of his first words , usually wailed at top volume when he was hungry / tired / hurt . Now , all I hear is Dada . All day long - Dada . He 's completely forgotten the Mama . So , yesterday , I sat the boy down for a serious talk . A few years before I was first published I was standing in line at Starbucks reading Jennifer Weiner 's Good in Bed . I have always felt that reading in public is kind of like being plugged into your iPod at a gym - - - they 're both international symbols for " don 't talk to me . " And as is the case with the iPod , it is a symbol that many choose to ignore . Thus I wasn 't all that surprised when the guy in line behind me tried to start - up a flirtatious conversation . I answered his questions politely but made a point of not looking up from my book . That 's when he asked the question . " What are you reading ? " " Good in Bed , " I said before realizing that this was not a wise answer to give . I closed the book hoping the cover would somehow explain away the title but the woman 's legs peeking out from beneath the bed sheets didn 't help a lot . " It 's actually not about being good in bed . It 's about a plus sized woman coming to terms with … " I continued to ramble on idiotically thus inadvertently starting up the very conversation I had been so eager to avoid . I had been working on my first manuscript for about six months at that point and still hadn 't given it a title . I swore to myself that if I ever got it published I would not do to my readers what Jennifer Weiner had just done to me . By the time my manuscript was being pushed onto the desks of editors it was titled Words To Die By . I was fortunate enough to sell that manuscript as part of a three book deal to what was then Red Dress Ink ( and is now Mira ) . When my new editor called to introduce herself she was effusive . She started by telling me that she loved my characters , she found my mystery to be suspenseful and engaging and she adored the way my book was " funny without being slapstick . " She then paused and said in a pleasant but extremely firm voice " The title has to change . It doesn 't tell the reader anything about the book . " I wasn 't offended . In fact I felt her willingness to criticize added validity to her compliments . So I happily agreed to come up with something new . I played around with a few ideas - Dying For A Cup of Coffee , sprang to mind as did City Parking Can Be Murder but it was my mother who ended up coming to my rescue . I submitted the idea to my editor and while she really liked it she suggested that it be changed to Sex , Murder And A Double Latte due to copyright considerations . She ran it by marketing and they were thrilled . My book was officially christened . Shortly thereafter the concept for the cover art was described to me . " It 's an illustration of a woman wearing a mini skirt , " I was told . " She 's standing with her legs spread apart and in between her legs are the words , Kyra Davis , and the title . " Yes , really . Fortunately the description was more sensational than the reality . Turns out my name was placed between my protagonist 's knees rather than her thighs . . A few months after that was all sorted out I was standing in line at the very same Starbucks I had read Good In Bed in . A man got in line behind me and tried to pick me up ( apparently this was like the Studio 54 of Starbucks ) . I didn 't have a book to hide behind ( not that it helped me a lot the last time ) so when the little old man in front of me asked for the time I used his question as an excuse to start up a conversation with him thus avoiding the man behind me . So , the orthopaedic ( funny way to spell that ) doctor I saw the other day told me I have a ganglion cyst . He took ( well , his much lower paid assistant actually took ) x - rays . I looked at them but didn 't see anything . And yet it looks like my wrist is nine months pregnant with a space alien baby who wants to eat my brains - and probably already has started . I asked if I could take the x - rays with me cuz it was really cool seeing my finger bones . . . but he said no . I told him that technically , since the photos were of me , and I did not remember signing a release form , the x - rays should be mine . I have a spot at home for them . . . right next to the wisdom teeth that inspired Dak to kill Gin 's dental surgeon in GUNS WILL KEEP US TOGETHER . Anyhooooo . . . So the hump is much bigger . I think one of my kids might be in there . So the doc said it looks like a ganglion cyst and it needs to be drained . . . after they schedule - in the near future - a very expensive MRI ( oh , and did I have any plates in my head or metal in my eyes before we begin ? ) So I have this lump the size of New Jersey , and it hurts , and the doctor knows what it is , but wants me to have an expensive procedure first , and it HURTS . The doctor nods and walks away . So I look up photos of ganglion cysts on the web , because I am a sado masochist . The needle they use looks very large . Of course there are folk remedies too that literally dozens swear by . Sometimes , in places like rural Appalachia , they call this a Bible Cyst . Here 's why . . . . they would hold your hand down , cyst side up , and slam it hard with a Bible . Then you would swear a whole lot which made for ironic fun for the witnesses . The fluid would drain internally out of the cyst ( because it exploded ) and into your other tissues . The very large needle is looking good now . If anyone has a better , less painful or messy idea , please let me know . The Assassin Posted by Winner ! MsHellion , please forward me your snail mail address at christie ( at ) Christie - craig ( . ) comOkay , today you 're gonna get a twofer , two blogs in one . A bit about C . C . Hunter and then a short interview with the wonderful new killer on board at Killer Fiction : You are gonna love Robin Kaye , guys . And if you haven 't read her , well , you shouldBut first , I want to share with you my new video . Or shall I say C . C . Hunter 's new video . Shouting out to Carol Webb from Firebrand Media Management , who did the video for me . Thanks girl ! Born At Midnight by C . C . HunterI also got my website up for the new book , Born At Midnight . And if you go there and click on Contest , you 'll read about my first contest . Also , Check this out : Forty - eight copies of Born at Midnight are being given away at Good Reads : And Forty - eight copies being given away at Library Thing : So , go check them out . Who knows , you might just win a book ! And now for Robin Kaye …* * * Robin 's Bio : Born in Brooklyn , New York , Robin Kaye grew up in the shadow of the Brooklyn Bridge next door to her Sicilian grandparents . Living with an extended family that 's a cross between Gilligan 's Island and The Sopranos , minus the desert isle and illegal activities , explains both her comedic timing and the cast of quirky characters in her books . She 's lived in half a dozen states from Idaho to Florida , but the romance of Brooklyn has never left her heart . Robin has won numerous awards including the Golden Heart for Best Contemporary Single Title , back - to - back Holt Medallions for Best Romantic Comedy , and the Golden Leaf award for Best Single Title . She currently resides in Maryland with her husband , three children , dog , and a three - legged cat with attitude . * * * To introduce you guys to Robin , I asked her to answer three very serious , profound questions . Because as you know , I 'm always serious and very profound . 1 ) If you weren 't a writer , which one would you more likely be ? And why ? A : Garbage collector . B : Truck Driver . C : Member of the bomb squad . I 'd like to say Posted by I am so turned on . I just can 't stop myself . I keep doing it over , and over , and over ! Nope , not talking about nookie here . I 'm talking about editing . There 's just something that comes over me when I 'm in the revision process and my inner editor is turned on . I can 't turn her off ! I find myself editing everything , everywhere . When shopping over the weekend , I mentally cringed when I overheard the non - word " irregardless " used . I later drove past a Toys я Us store , called their customer service line from my cell phone , and hollered , " Turn that R around ! And while you 're at it , make it Toys are We ! " On the way home , I stopped at a corner , whipped out a sharpie and marked out the unnecessary apostrophe on a " Make Thousand 's Working From Home " sign posted on the telephone pole . Since I was already out of my car , I edited the sign the homeless man was holding , correcting his sentence fragment " Will work for food " into " I will work for food . " While he didn 't appreciate the editing services , he was more than happy to take my dollar . Please tell me I 'm not the only one who suffers from ED - Editorial Dysfunction ! Visit Diane at www . dianekelly . com . This week was Baby T 's first birthday ! It 's amazing that both he and I have survived one whole year . It feels like time has flown by … on the other hand , what is that old saying ? Time flies when you don 't get any sleep … ; ) Day one - We pile into the car in the morning , pack a case of diapers ( just in case ) , three bottles of sunscreen ( because Orange County hit a record high of 113 degrees the day before - perfect weather for standing in line in the sun all day , no ? ) , and ten DVDs to keep Baby happy in the backseat , then set off for the seven hour drive to Southern California . We pop in The Wiggles DVD that I got from Netflix for the ride into the player . Baby is elated . Unfortunately , the DVD is scratched , so it only plays the first half of the movie . We pop something else in the player . Baby cries . He only wants The Wiggles . So , we watch the first half of the DVD again . And again . I think we hit ten times by the time we finally arrived in Anaheim at the Disneyland Hotel . I kid you not , I can recite the whole thing word for word now . So , we picked the Disneyland Hotel to stay in this trip , even though it 's a little pricier , because it has the monorail that runs from the hotel to Disneyland - no need to walk , no need to park the car at the theme park . Perfect for shuttling Baby back to the room for a nap mid - day . So , as soon as we check in , we go online and check out the park schedule for the next day . Guess what ? The monorail is down for maintenance . I call the front desk and get into an argument with the clerk that ends with the phrase , " We 're going to have to agree to disagree , Ma ' am . " If I wasn 't surround by pictures of Mickey 's Mouse , I 'd be tempted to be upset . Day Two - We get up early , lather with sunscreen , and walk the entirety of Downtown Disney to the theme park , praying that the tickets we bought off craigslist before coming actually work to get us in . Wonder of wonders , the guy was legit and they do . ( yay ! ) We take Baby on It 's a Small World as his first intro to Disney rides . At first , he 's in awe , checking out all the dancing dolls . Then , he tries to reach up and touch them . Then he looks confused - " Um , are they ever going to stop singing , Mom ? " By the end , he 's totally over it , trying to jump out of the boat . But the ride is 15 minutes of air conditioned bliss ( Did I mention the record heat ? Oy . ) , so we 're happy . We get off the ride and get an ice cream . We do another couple rides , then stop for water . One more ride , lunch in the shade and more water . Seriously , it 's October . A heat wave ? No fair . We spend a long , sticky , hot day trying to find the longest , most air conditioned rides we can . Then hit the pool that night . Baby T on the King Arthur Carousel with Daddy Day Three - The name of the game today is keep cool . We start off the day with water rides in the California Adventure Park . Baby plays for hours in the water fountains while Big Boy rides the Grizzly Rapids . When everyone is soaked , we hit the margarita stand for frosted cocktails . ( Why on earth did we not do this yesterday ? ) We do a few more water rides at Disneyland , sit in the shade and eat ice cream , then have dinner in Downtown Disney where we do more margaritas . Back to the park after dark for a few more rides , then we hit the shops for souvenirs before retiring to our rooms . Big Boy in the biggest balloon hat on the planet in Downtown Disney . ( Really , he 's having fun . It 's just that he 's ten , and the Tween Code requires he wear a semi - sulking expression at all times . ) Day Four - We planned to spend the morning swimming before packing up , but a freak thunderstorm derails those plans . ( Bear in mind , this is L . A . It rains twice a year here . When I say " freak , " I totally mean it . ) So , we pack up , load everyone into the car , and settle in for another seven hours of The Wiggles . ( For those of you curious , yes , I did send the DVD back to Netflix the second we go home . ) Overall , great trip . Lots of fun . I highly recommend the margaritas . Happy birthday , Baby T ! Those fortunate enough not to have been bitten by the writing bug often wonder what compels us authors to sit down at our computers , day after day , word after word , sore back after sore back . After some soul searching , I recently discovered there are three primary reasons why I write . Reason # 1 : I enjoy the sense of power writing gives me . In my real world , I can 't get my son to change his underwear or eat a vegetable , but when I sit down to write , my characters do exactly what I tell them , right when I tell them to do it . I decide whether my character will wear her faded blue jeans and a sweatshirt or the trashy mini - skirt and satin halter . She has absolutely no say in the matter . If I don 't like what a character is saying , I can cut him off in mid - sentence . I can give my characters a wedgie should I so choose . If my characters piss me off , I can arrange to have their throats slit . Yes , writing is power . Reason # 2 : My life is pretty damn ordinary and writing allows me to experience things I never will in my " real " world . Unless working part - time as a tax advisor , attending PTA meetings , and scrubbing toilets can be called fun , my life is pretty dull . But through my writing , I can sky dive into an active volcano and live to tell about it . I can scale Mount Everest wearing nothing but a bikini and a pair of flip flops . I can go on a European tour with an all - female punk rock band whose roadies are male underwear models . Yee - ha ! Reason # 3 : I 'm a closet skank . I 'd never cheat on my husband , but after 19 years of marriage , our love life has become somewhat . . . um . . . er . . . predictable . Through my love scenes , however , I can vicariously sleep with dozens of sexy men and never risk contracting a disease or being served with divorce papers . If I 'm in the mood for something exotic , Enrique comes to visit , rolling his R 's as we roll in the hay . Pierre is always good for a French kiss , and he makes French toast the morning after . For some down and dirty fun , a randy redneck in the bed of a pickup fits Posted by We All Need a Little MysteryA good friend of mine writes cozy mysteries , and when she first started reading my fantasies ( novels , not the other kind ) she remarked that she 'd never be able to make up an entire world like I did . I found it incredible that she could write in the " real world " and not have the luxury of making stuff up when she needed it . Two totally different writers approaching their stories from two totally different perspectives , but what we both agreed on , was that all stories need a sense of wonder . Without mystery , stories just weren 't any fun . I 'll read just about any genre out there , but I 've always been drawn to science fiction and fantasy when I write . I think it 's the wonder that draws me in . Not only do I get to follow the plot mystery ( how will this turn out ? ) , but I get to create a world with its own mysteries and complexities . Every time I turn a corner , something new and amazing has to be figured out . How do these people make a living ? How did this culture evolve ? Where did this magic come from ? When did these problems begin ? Each world - building exercise is a mystery to be solved for me , and figuring out that mystery is as much fun as writing the actual story . But it doesn 't just end with what I write . These are also questions that fill my mind as I read or watch a story , regardless of what genre . Any time a story can surprise me it 's a win . Surprising a writer is hard work , because we plot all the time and can usually spot a twist coming a mile away . But when it happens , it 's such a thrill , and I enjoy the story all the more because it took me someplace new and unexpected . It 's the little joys I remember . Better still , is when you 're not sure how all the pieces fit together , but you start figuring the plot out and seeing the truth under the misdirection . You have to know what happens next because you need to know if you 're right . Were you smart enough to solve those puzzles ? Were you really one step ahead or did they fool you , too ? Figuring out the twist of a moPosted by WINNER ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Bet you have won the copy of Shut Up and Kiss Me and the copy of the CD The Fancy Shapes . Please send me your snail mail address at christie ( at ) christie - craig ( . ) com " Music and rhythm find their way into the secret places of the soul . " PlatoIt 's happened more than once . I 'll be in my car , listening to the radio , and a song will play . I 'll get pulled into music or the lyrics . Suddenly , wherever my mind was , I 'm not there anymore . I 'm in the song . If it 's a sad song , I probably have tears in my eyes and my mascara is running down my face . If it 's happy song , I 'm smiling ear to ear and looking pretty goofy . If there 's a lot of rhythm , I 'm probably doing a little dance , my butt bouncing on the car seat . If it 's a song I know and love the words to , I sing along , belt out the words as if I 'm on a stage , as if I can sing and my " carry - a - tune " thingamajig doesn 't have a big hole in it . But it doesn 't matter . I 'm in a moment and I forget . I forget that the people stopped at the red light are staring at me , wondering what kind of fruitcake I am . Not that I really care , but when I do see them snickering and staring , I blush just a little bit . But then I tell myself that when they see me in a middle of a music moment , they 're thinking the same thing I 'm thinking when I see someone else in one . I usually smile and if my radio isn 't on , I turn it on . Because , well , music is good for us . And getting lost in one of those music moments is heart - healthy . Like the quote above states , music finds a place in our souls . Music is therapy . No , seriously , there is a thing called music therapy . In some states , Medicare will even pay for it . I 'm not joking . Google it and you 'll see . So why am I talking about music today ? Well , I have a song . Okay … I don 't have a song . My book , Shut Up and Kiss Me , has a song . It wasn 't exactly written for my book , but you 'll never guess what the title is : Shut up and Kiss Me , and it mentions soul mates in the lyrics , and if you 've rChristie Craig Hi All , Thanks for letting me join this stellar group of " killers ! " LOL I love the moniker , Lori Lethal Avocato ! I am working on the Lethal in Lace series for those who wonder where the title came from . Great to be here ! Lori I am so excited that fall shows have started the rounds . HOUSE is back with some of the most brilliant writing and acting on television . Seriously , if you haven 't watched this - try it . But rent the seasons in order or you will miss the backstory subtleties . HELL ' S KITCHEN is back and I 'm sorta worried on that one . This has to be the worst set of candidates I 've ever seen . I 'm starting to wonder if people are being selected for the show to produce ratings by being mental or awful , but for those of us who want to see a real competition , it 's only annoying . Besides , didn 't the HK producers learn from that whole American Idol " Sunjaya " fiasco ? Anyway , I don 't like anyone on there yet and quite frankly , would physically strangle a few of them if they were in my grasp . But probably the most entertaining of all the train wrecks on television is JERSEY SHORE . I know , I know . People may groan and shake their heads in dismay , but Lord help , that show is funny . I don 't get all the whining by those from New Jersey who somehow think it reflects poorly on them . Do they really think the entire country is so stupid we think those kids are representative of an entire state ? Not to mention that what they do represent is a specific subculture found in the New England regions - the guidos . They are not making this up - that 's the way of life they 've chosen , just like skaters or goths or whatever other subcultures exist . Where else are you going to learn great expressions like the " smush room " ( the only room in the shared household with a double bed - you get the idea ) or here a girl referring to getting lucky as " getting it in ? " They 're young , they 're having fun and they 're making a ton of money partying . If I could have acted a fool for money when I was in my early twenties , then never had to worry about money again , I probably would have . New identities just aren 't that hard to come by . LOLLast week , there was a big fray in the writing community because one of the JS stars , Snooki , got a book deal for a romance book . Snooki has beePosted by This week I am at Disneyland celebrating Baby T 's first birthday . ( OMG , can you believe it 's been a year already ? Time flies when you get no sleep . . . ) So , to fill in for me is the fabulous Maria Grazia Swan . Take it away , Maria . . . We order without even thinking . It 's good that we know what we like and don 't have to pop Prozac to calm our nerves before deciding . It 's bad that we unreflectively make that same choice again and again . With all the new trends , you 'll find almost infinite ways to cook eggs , omelet , huevos rancheros , eggs benedicts , frittatas . But , we tend to stick to our safe , familiar routine . Sort of like we do with dating . Before we go out on a date with someone , we ought to learn their likes and dislikes , so that instead of playing the old game ; " What do you want to do ? " " I dunno , what you want to do ? " We should have a plan . A plan ? For a date ? Believe me , it can pay off . Most people opt for a movie . That way , if you don 't like your date , at least you don 't have to talk . I say , forget the movie ; go to a comedy club You still don 't have to talk and you do get entertained , and most important , you get to see how your date reacts to the jokes told by the stand - up comedians , regardless of how ' politically correct ' they are - or aren 't - . That 's like 3 - D for the soul , and it works both ways , so you may learn from your own reactions . Afraid too much laughter will put wrinkles on your face ? Go to an art show . Most are free , and they even serve refreshments . Here again , little talk , much expression of soul . Personally I stay away from dinner for a first date . I don 't want to sit in judgment of , or be judged by the choice of restaurant or the price of the food ordered . Meet for happy hour , if the chemistry is there you can stay for dinner , if it 's not , drive home carefully . Yes , dating has a lot in common with eggs : if you rush the cooking you may get sick , if you cook your eggs too long , they get rubbery and tasteless and please , treat each egg gently , they break easily . And we certainly all like our eggs fresh . Hey , some people even like them raw . If you are allergic to eggs … get egg substitutes . They may not taste the same , but they are good for you . And if you need something to talk about with your date , how about : " What came first , the egg or the chicken ? " The first problem for all of us , men and women , is not to learn , but to unlearn . Gloria Steinem Maria Grazia Swan is an author and motivational speaker who shares relationship advice and guidance for women re - entering the social / dating scene . Maria empowers and encourages single women to be bold , fearless , and sexy in their pursuit of life and love after age 45 . An award recipient from the Women 's National Book Association , Swan is the author of Boomer Babes : True Tales of Love and Lust in the Later Years ( Leisure Books ) . Visit http : / / www . mariagrazia . tv
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I know this post is a little late in the day today , but I have a great reason . I just spent the morning at my 10 year old 's Halloween parade at school . So fun , so many great costumes . So flippin cold standing outside for two hours ! But fun . My boy went as a skeleton / zombie biker . This was one of the more creative costumes I saw . Jack ! Okay , this kid cracks me up . I 've known him since 1st grade , and every year he dresses as food . One year he was a bowl of spaghetti , one year a box of popcorn . This year … French fries ! ( He kept yelling at the other kids to " Stop eating me ! " ) But , my favorite has to be the many San Francisco Giants baseball players . There were tons ! Yes , I live near San Francisco , and , yes , everyone here totally has World Series fever . Myself included . On Sunday I 'll be taking the big boy and Baby T trick - or - treating . I 'm dressing as a cat . . . at least I 'm wearing the ears and a tail . : ) It 'll be Baby T 's first time , so I 'm not sure how much actually trick - or - treating and how much crying he 'll do , but we do have an adorable costume for him . The Puny Pirate ! No , that 's not him in the picture . Why ? Because every time I put this on him he bursts into tears . The kid hates the ruffles . He pulls at them and yells every time I put it on him . My backup plan if he pulls another " No Puffy Shirt ! " on me on Halloween is to dress him in his Giants T - shirt , draw in a black beard with eyeliner , and have him go as Brian Wilson . So , what are you guys dressing up as this year ? Any big Halloween plans ? So it seems I have a sinus infection . Not fun . One of the more telling signs was / is complete and total fatigue . On Tuesday I was so exhausted I literally needed to pull over and take a nap in my car . See , a guy who I have recently started dating happened to call while I was parked in some random Starbucks parking lot slumped over my steering wheel with my eyes closed while all the caffeinated pedestrians around me were undoubtedly wondering if I was homeless and / or drunk . At that time I didn 't know what the problem was , only that I wasn 't feeling well and I couldn 't stay awake . I was actually a bit teary while talking to him . " I know we 're in the stage of our relationship where I should be trying to make a good impression , " I whimpered , " and I know what I 'm about to say isn 't going to do it , but I feel like crap ! I 'm sleeping in my car , I feel like I want to throw up and my nose is clogged ! " But you know what he did ? He asked me a few questions about my location and after realizing that I wasn 't far from his place he temporarily left work and asked me to meet him there . When I got there he tucked me into bed , told me to sleep as long as I liked and to make myself at home and then he went off in order to get to his next meeting . And none of that impressed me as much as this new guy 's offer to set me up for my mid - afternoon nap . Offering material pleasures is easy for those who have means . But THIS guy actually went out of his way for me when there was absolutely nothing in it for him ( other than possible exposure to some horrible disease ) . He has no idea how many brownie points he 's earned . I liked him before but now I am officially smitten . Mwah , hah , hah , hah ! Halloween , baby ! Woo hoo ! I am a total spaz for Halloween ! We decorate the house more than we do at any other time . I have more than a dozen animatronic characters , a haunted village that moves and makes noise , and my iPod has 3 separate Halloween playlists . Here are a few things that frighten me most about Halloween this year : Midterm Elections . Nothing strikes fear into my heart more . The politicians running for office are creepier than eating cheesecake at Hustler Hollywood ( which I did once - shudder . Trust me , don 't ever eat dessert where you can see and smell latex genitals ) . Anyway , the campaign ads make outrageous claims , " Bob Blarfandar eats human babies for breakfast and has sex with squirrels in front of the neighbors . . . " Or maybe that 's just my state ? You guys probably have normal candidates . Slutty kid costumes . I 've seen more midriff - baring , daisy duke - skirted , thigh - high wearing elementary school girls in stillettos than I ever need to see again . What is WRONG with parents ? " Oh , look at Susie ! We had to use makeup shading on her chest to give her cleavage , but isn 't she adorable ? " Funny how they react when I respond , " Actually , she looks like a five year - old whore . . . like the rest of the girls in her kindergarten class . " When I snap and start sniping people from my roof , these parents will be the first to go . Bad weather and bad weathermen . As temps and such begin to go south , we will vasilate between rain / mud and sleet / ice . Which means the weathermen will have all kinds of dire predictions , like , " The conditions are ripe for a Godzilla Attack in Henderson County tonight . . . " I mean , where exactly do you go hide from an iminent Godzilla attack ? The basement is only good for tornados . Running around outside will get you eaten or fried . Why don 't the weathermen actually prepare us for this stuff ? Well , that 's my list of what 's scary this year . What are you afraid of ? The Assassin Cut it out ! ! When I was a kid , my mom used to say those words all the time . And depending on exactly how bad " it " was , she would often scream it versus say it . And she wasn 't talking about getting a pair of scissors and making paper dolls , either . These were the last three words she used before she came storming into a room , or turned around to the backseat of the car , and started dealing out punishment . While you may not believe me , ninety - nine percent of the time , she wasn 't talking to me . Nope . I was a good kid , the only girl , and quiet . I mostly lived in my head , telling myself stories . I didn 't have any idea I wanted to be a writer , but man , I wrote books in my head . Most of those books were about a girl and some really cute guy , a good kisser , of course . And oh , yeah , the girl didn 't have brothers . You see , it was my two brothers who got those words tossed at them regularly by my mom . Not that I didn 't have to hear them . Mom and Dad were smart . I don 't know if they made me this way , or if I was born this way , but I 'm a buffer , a person who , when caught in the middle of a conflict , feels compelled to solve the conflict . My parents would put me in charge of my brothers , and if there were seats involved , I was always in the middle . Like a weather forecaster , I would predict disasters . " You 're gonna make Mom mad , and she 's going to ground you . " Or , " Mom 's going to send Daddy in to talk to you two . " When Daddy was sent in , it was never good . Sometimes , I was even pushed to the point that I used those three words myself . " Cut it out ! " I 'd yell at my brothers . Seriously , have you ever been in the backseat between two juvenile delinquents who liked to jab each other , or play paper , rock and scissors and the winner would hurt the loser and then the loser would get mad and go after the winner ? Do you know how many times , I had to crawl out between a fight ? If their antics didn 't involve violence , then it was usually worse . They called them barking spiders . The game was to see whose sPosted by It 's no secret that people think accounting is one of the most boring , mundane jobs on the planet . But those on the inside know different . Being an accountant allows you to ransack your clients ' underwear drawers . Not literally , of course . But figuratively . When you review clients ' financial records , you learn more about them than you ever wanted to know . Their hopes and dreams . The issues that tug at their heartstrings . Their deepest , darkest secrets . A client might make substantial charitable contributions to an animal welfare organization , while also providing a hotel receipt for a business trip on which he charged an in - room porn movie - proving he , too , is an animal . It 's a little embarrassing to explain that the IRS might frown on a deduction for " Debbie Does Dallas . " A client might have set aside a tidy sum for his children 's college education , but have diverted an even tidier sum to the twinkie he 's keeping on the side . Naughty , naughty boy . Financial records might show tuition paid to a Catholic girls ' school , along with payments to a pharmacy for a teenager 's birth control pills . Substantial donations to the church building fund along with substantial charges at The T & A Cabaret . Thousands spent on spa treatments but mere hundreds paid to the full - time nanny . Alimony and child support paid to a string of ex - wives by a client who routinely trades in his families for newer models . Investments that tanked . Gambling losses . Get - rich - quick schemes that proved to be get - screwed - quick cons . It 's all there in black and white in the financial records . And , as they say , numbers don 't lie . Diane 's debut novel starring an IRS agent will be released in September 2011 . Details at www . dianekelly . com . After having just dropped $ 70 on something called " Egyptian Krux " at the skateboard shop ( I 'm still not sure what I bought him . ) , I told him that there were going to be no more big purchases until Christmas . If he wanted something he couldn 't afford with his allowance , he should put it on his Christmas list and send it to Santa . The Boy : Yeah , about that Santa thing . . . some of my friends don 't believe in Santa . The Boy : So , tell me the truth - is he real ? Me : Do you think he 's real ? ( Yes , I 'm totally evading the question here . ) It 's obvious the kid is on to me . So , with a heavy heart and the realization that his last magical Christmas has passed , I fess up . I tell him that there was a St . Nicholas who brought toys to children many years ago . But , after he died , the parents thought the kdis would be so disappointed that they carried on the tradition to keep the magic alive . ( Not bad , eh ? ) The Boy seemed a ) disappointed there is no magical sleigh or flying reindeer b ) impressed that I 'd actually been able to keep up a lie for so long , and c ) worried he might not get present from " Santa " this year . I assured him that as long as he was good ( and never breathed a word of this to his younger brother ) he would . That was a sad day for me . My little boy had grow up . But … it got worse … A couple of days later , The Boy lost a tooth . As you can tell from the Santa conversation , he 's way too cool for kid stuff now , so he was very blasé about the whole lost tooth thing . Which is probably why his mom forgot all about the lost tooth by bedtime . ( That and the fact that The Baby Who Won 't Sleep is turning me into a zombie . I swear , some days I 'm lucky I remember how to turn on my computer . ) All night I forgot about the tooth . Imagine my Bad Mommy moment when the next morning I wake The Boy up for school , he pops out of bed , gleefully checks under his pillow … and sees not money from the tooth fairy , but his tooth still sitting there . Doh , doh , doh ! Yeah . I had to fess up about the fairy then and there , too . And I gave him an extra dollar for being so understanding . He seemed okay with it ( money talks - he must be my kid ) , but on the way to school that morning he turns to me and says : I 've always said that if my books were adapted to television I wouldn 't make a big deal about the changes Hollywood would want to make to my stories . I 'm not an " artiste " and I know that what I 'm writing is commercial fiction rather than high - minded literature . So I figured that if I was ever lucky enough to get my work adapted I would be understanding , even encouraging , of decisions to tweak or even out right change things in order to make my work more TV - friendly . But here 's the thing , now there is a real chance that the Sophie Katz Mystery series will become a television series ( although it 's FAR from definite ) and I 'm being asked to make some real changes . Turns out real changes are much more daunting than theoretical ones . Go figure . Every time I 'm asked to make a change a little voice in my head starts stammering , " But , but , but , that 's not the way it goes ! " Fortunately most of these suggestions are delivered via email so I can scream , stomp my feet and pout in the privacy of my own home before writing up a very calm and politic email response . Of course not all the suggestions are bad . Sometimes ( once I 've finished screaming and pouting ) I realize that the suggestion in question is really quite good . But of course as soon as I make peace with the change another , more drastic change is put before me and then I have to add throwing things to my screaming - stomping - pouting tantrum . The reality is that an author 's books are sort of her children ( although admittedly I do love my actual child significantly more than my books but you know what I mean ) . When someone tells you that in order to adapt your books they will need to be changed in significant ways it 's like they 're telling you that your daughter has just walked into the office of a nearby plastic surgeon where she plans on getting a new nose and boobs . And now your daughter doesn 't even look like you ! She 's transformed and been given a totally new image ! It 's like your daughter is Cher ! And all you want to do is shake your child and say , " What the hell was wrong with the family nose ? I have that nose , and if it 's good enough for me it 's good enough for basic cable ! " But you can 't approach it that way . Children ( and Hollywood power players ) don 't respond well to hysterics . So instead you say , " Hey , I understand your need for a new look , but why don 't we just start with a little bit of collagen and take it from there ? " That 's where I 'm at with this thing . I 'm sitting wi - - Kyra " Fashionista Fatale " Davis In the tradition Christie started , I 'd like to begin with a brief interview of our newest " Killer . " Interview questions can be so dull sometimes - so I thought I 'd ask her the three favorite questions I 've ever been asked . Here goes ! Yes . I come from a long line of demon slayers . My grandmother had the gift . She used plug demons from her front porch down in South St . Louis . She always used to say , " You never know what form they 'll take . " But boy was she unpopular when she was forced to slay the Swanson Ice Cream man … er , demon . As far as where I get my ideas . I have no idea . I just pick out an idea that amuses me and I go with it . For example , the Accidental Demon Slayer books began when I started thinking about what would happen if a straight laced preschool teacher suddenly learns she 's a demon slayer . And what if she has to learn about her powers on the run from an eccentric mad scientist demon ? Ohhh and wouldn 't it be fun if she 's running with her long - lost Grandma 's gang of geriatric biker witches ? I wrote my ideas on the back of an envelope , and when I read it the next morning , decided this was something I could have a good time with . I liked the idea of a reluctant heroine thrust into a series of extraordinary situations , when all she really wants to do is to get her normal life back . Ha ! As if I 'm ever going to let that happen . By Robin " Red Hot " KayeLately it 's as if I 've been hit over the head , time and again with the fact that I am muse - less . All my writer friends have muses , my buddy DT Tarkus ( a man writing romance ) has a vodka - swilling , lap dancing muse who likes to take her clothes off . While I 'm happy for him , I 'm wondering why I don 't have a Hugh Jackman look - alike who drinks 20 year - old scotch and does lap dances for me while whispering fabulous turning points in my ear . I mean really , if Barbara Walters rates a Hugh Jackman lap dance , I think I should be able to imagine a muse who would entertain me at least that much . I 've gone in search of my muse partly by necessity . You see , I belong to a new grog called Blame It On The Muse and all the authors on the grog are supposed to interview their muses . That 's pretty hard to do when my muse is either non - existent or invisible , deaf , and mute . How does one find their muse ? Hell , right now I 'm considering lying about my muse , but I 'm one of those disgustingly honest people - the only thing I lied about as a kid were the sins I committed when I had to go to confession . Ah the pressure of the confessional . Aside from the occasional fight to the death with my sister who outweighed me by 70 pounds , what did I have to confess ? I 'll tell you what , nothing . So I 'd kneel there knowing that Father Francis was on the other side of the screen bored to tears . I 'd make up confession - worthy sins just to have something to talk about and a few Hail Marys to say so I didn 't look like the goody - two - shoes I was . Unfortunately , by the time I had anything really interesting to confess , Fr . Francis was ancient and I worried about causing the man to have a stroke or heart attack from the shock . But I digress … back to my missing muse . In my quest to find my muse , I 'm taking an online course called Muse Therapy . It just started and the first homework assignment is to name my muse , figure out what ticks him off , and what turns him on . If I knew how to do that , I wouldn 't have a Posted by I guess you guys noticed I looked skinnier last Monday , right ? Nah , that wasn 't me and I 'm not skinnier . For anyone who hasn 't noticed the redesign of the KF site , we have added five new killers to the mix . It 's tough work being a killer and some of us were getting old and tired on the job . Plus , fresh blood always makes a killer happier , so I hope you 're all enjoying our new members ! First , I want to share with you an epic fail of the English language . Warning : Spew Alert ! So what do you think - honest mistake ? bad school system ? truth in advertising ? No matter , it makes for a good laugh . Next up - Snooki gets a book deal . For those that love , hate or try to avoid the reality show Jersey Shore , it 's coming at you from all ends . Apparently , it wasn 't enough that The Situation was on Dancing With The Stars , now everyone 's favorite jelly - roll hair girl signed a book deal with Simon & Schuster to pen none other than - a romance novel . And then the fray in the writing community began . Now , let 's begin by saying , there 's no way Snooki is actually writing a book and we know it , so if you want to argue that ghost - writing is an insult to writers , then you better take on mega - industry James Patterson first . So move on to point two , which is why all the hate ? Some writers seem to take the stance that celebrity books take away slots from legitimate writers , but that is just not true . Celebrity books are a category unto themselves , and I would argue , make the publisher scads of money so they have to spend on legitimate writers . So what say you ? Insult or cash flow cow ? And are you going to try that Mickey D 's wrap ? Deadly DeLeon Baby T is officially a toddler now , and running around the place like crazy . He 's uncontainable - he can get into or out of anything . Seriously . Anything . Though , his favorite game is still playing in the toilet . Especially since he learned how to flush it . Coincidentally , The Man 's bluetooth has gone missing … Anyway , in addition to walking / running / flushing , he 's starting to talk a lot lately . He 's always been a babbler , but we can actually distinguish one babble from another now . The Man bought him the Your Baby Can Read system , and , while Baby T 's not actually up to proofreading my books for me yet ( though , I 'm hopeful ) he is saying most of the words on the video . He says , " gorilla " , " clap " , " dog " , " duck " , " Uh oh " ( he uses that one a lot ) , and " Dada . " Wanna know the one word he won 't say ? " Mama . " He used to say it . It was one of his first words , usually wailed at top volume when he was hungry / tired / hurt . Now , all I hear is Dada . All day long - Dada . He 's completely forgotten the Mama . So , yesterday , I sat the boy down for a serious talk . A few years before I was first published I was standing in line at Starbucks reading Jennifer Weiner 's Good in Bed . I have always felt that reading in public is kind of like being plugged into your iPod at a gym - - - they 're both international symbols for " don 't talk to me . " And as is the case with the iPod , it is a symbol that many choose to ignore . Thus I wasn 't all that surprised when the guy in line behind me tried to start - up a flirtatious conversation . I answered his questions politely but made a point of not looking up from my book . That 's when he asked the question . " What are you reading ? " " Good in Bed , " I said before realizing that this was not a wise answer to give . I closed the book hoping the cover would somehow explain away the title but the woman 's legs peeking out from beneath the bed sheets didn 't help a lot . " It 's actually not about being good in bed . It 's about a plus sized woman coming to terms with … " I continued to ramble on idiotically thus inadvertently starting up the very conversation I had been so eager to avoid . I had been working on my first manuscript for about six months at that point and still hadn 't given it a title . I swore to myself that if I ever got it published I would not do to my readers what Jennifer Weiner had just done to me . By the time my manuscript was being pushed onto the desks of editors it was titled Words To Die By . I was fortunate enough to sell that manuscript as part of a three book deal to what was then Red Dress Ink ( and is now Mira ) . When my new editor called to introduce herself she was effusive . She started by telling me that she loved my characters , she found my mystery to be suspenseful and engaging and she adored the way my book was " funny without being slapstick . " She then paused and said in a pleasant but extremely firm voice " The title has to change . It doesn 't tell the reader anything about the book . " I wasn 't offended . In fact I felt her willingness to criticize added validity to her compliments . So I happily agreed to come up with something new . I played around with a few ideas - Dying For A Cup of Coffee , sprang to mind as did City Parking Can Be Murder but it was my mother who ended up coming to my rescue . I submitted the idea to my editor and while she really liked it she suggested that it be changed to Sex , Murder And A Double Latte due to copyright considerations . She ran it by marketing and they were thrilled . My book was officially christened . Shortly thereafter the concept for the cover art was described to me . " It 's an illustration of a woman wearing a mini skirt , " I was told . " She 's standing with her legs spread apart and in between her legs are the words , Kyra Davis , and the title . " Yes , really . Fortunately the description was more sensational than the reality . Turns out my name was placed between my protagonist 's knees rather than her thighs . . A few months after that was all sorted out I was standing in line at the very same Starbucks I had read Good In Bed in . A man got in line behind me and tried to pick me up ( apparently this was like the Studio 54 of Starbucks ) . I didn 't have a book to hide behind ( not that it helped me a lot the last time ) so when the little old man in front of me asked for the time I used his question as an excuse to start up a conversation with him thus avoiding the man behind me . So , the orthopaedic ( funny way to spell that ) doctor I saw the other day told me I have a ganglion cyst . He took ( well , his much lower paid assistant actually took ) x - rays . I looked at them but didn 't see anything . And yet it looks like my wrist is nine months pregnant with a space alien baby who wants to eat my brains - and probably already has started . I asked if I could take the x - rays with me cuz it was really cool seeing my finger bones . . . but he said no . I told him that technically , since the photos were of me , and I did not remember signing a release form , the x - rays should be mine . I have a spot at home for them . . . right next to the wisdom teeth that inspired Dak to kill Gin 's dental surgeon in GUNS WILL KEEP US TOGETHER . Anyhooooo . . . So the hump is much bigger . I think one of my kids might be in there . So the doc said it looks like a ganglion cyst and it needs to be drained . . . after they schedule - in the near future - a very expensive MRI ( oh , and did I have any plates in my head or metal in my eyes before we begin ? ) So I have this lump the size of New Jersey , and it hurts , and the doctor knows what it is , but wants me to have an expensive procedure first , and it HURTS . The doctor nods and walks away . So I look up photos of ganglion cysts on the web , because I am a sado masochist . The needle they use looks very large . Of course there are folk remedies too that literally dozens swear by . Sometimes , in places like rural Appalachia , they call this a Bible Cyst . Here 's why . . . . they would hold your hand down , cyst side up , and slam it hard with a Bible . Then you would swear a whole lot which made for ironic fun for the witnesses . The fluid would drain internally out of the cyst ( because it exploded ) and into your other tissues . The very large needle is looking good now . If anyone has a better , less painful or messy idea , please let me know . The Assassin Posted by Winner ! MsHellion , please forward me your snail mail address at christie ( at ) Christie - craig ( . ) comOkay , today you 're gonna get a twofer , two blogs in one . A bit about C . C . Hunter and then a short interview with the wonderful new killer on board at Killer Fiction : You are gonna love Robin Kaye , guys . And if you haven 't read her , well , you shouldBut first , I want to share with you my new video . Or shall I say C . C . Hunter 's new video . Shouting out to Carol Webb from Firebrand Media Management , who did the video for me . Thanks girl ! Born At Midnight by C . C . HunterI also got my website up for the new book , Born At Midnight . And if you go there and click on Contest , you 'll read about my first contest . Also , Check this out : Forty - eight copies of Born at Midnight are being given away at Good Reads : And Forty - eight copies being given away at Library Thing : So , go check them out . Who knows , you might just win a book ! And now for Robin Kaye …* * * Robin 's Bio : Born in Brooklyn , New York , Robin Kaye grew up in the shadow of the Brooklyn Bridge next door to her Sicilian grandparents . Living with an extended family that 's a cross between Gilligan 's Island and The Sopranos , minus the desert isle and illegal activities , explains both her comedic timing and the cast of quirky characters in her books . She 's lived in half a dozen states from Idaho to Florida , but the romance of Brooklyn has never left her heart . Robin has won numerous awards including the Golden Heart for Best Contemporary Single Title , back - to - back Holt Medallions for Best Romantic Comedy , and the Golden Leaf award for Best Single Title . She currently resides in Maryland with her husband , three children , dog , and a three - legged cat with attitude . * * * To introduce you guys to Robin , I asked her to answer three very serious , profound questions . Because as you know , I 'm always serious and very profound . 1 ) If you weren 't a writer , which one would you more likely be ? And why ? A : Garbage collector . B : Truck Driver . C : Member of the bomb squad . I 'd like to say Posted by I am so turned on . I just can 't stop myself . I keep doing it over , and over , and over ! Nope , not talking about nookie here . I 'm talking about editing . There 's just something that comes over me when I 'm in the revision process and my inner editor is turned on . I can 't turn her off ! I find myself editing everything , everywhere . When shopping over the weekend , I mentally cringed when I overheard the non - word " irregardless " used . I later drove past a Toys я Us store , called their customer service line from my cell phone , and hollered , " Turn that R around ! And while you 're at it , make it Toys are We ! " On the way home , I stopped at a corner , whipped out a sharpie and marked out the unnecessary apostrophe on a " Make Thousand 's Working From Home " sign posted on the telephone pole . Since I was already out of my car , I edited the sign the homeless man was holding , correcting his sentence fragment " Will work for food " into " I will work for food . " While he didn 't appreciate the editing services , he was more than happy to take my dollar . Please tell me I 'm not the only one who suffers from ED - Editorial Dysfunction ! Visit Diane at www . dianekelly . com . This week was Baby T 's first birthday ! It 's amazing that both he and I have survived one whole year . It feels like time has flown by … on the other hand , what is that old saying ? Time flies when you don 't get any sleep … ; ) Day one - We pile into the car in the morning , pack a case of diapers ( just in case ) , three bottles of sunscreen ( because Orange County hit a record high of 113 degrees the day before - perfect weather for standing in line in the sun all day , no ? ) , and ten DVDs to keep Baby happy in the backseat , then set off for the seven hour drive to Southern California . We pop in The Wiggles DVD that I got from Netflix for the ride into the player . Baby is elated . Unfortunately , the DVD is scratched , so it only plays the first half of the movie . We pop something else in the player . Baby cries . He only wants The Wiggles . So , we watch the first half of the DVD again . And again . I think we hit ten times by the time we finally arrived in Anaheim at the Disneyland Hotel . I kid you not , I can recite the whole thing word for word now . So , we picked the Disneyland Hotel to stay in this trip , even though it 's a little pricier , because it has the monorail that runs from the hotel to Disneyland - no need to walk , no need to park the car at the theme park . Perfect for shuttling Baby back to the room for a nap mid - day . So , as soon as we check in , we go online and check out the park schedule for the next day . Guess what ? The monorail is down for maintenance . I call the front desk and get into an argument with the clerk that ends with the phrase , " We 're going to have to agree to disagree , Ma ' am . " If I wasn 't surround by pictures of Mickey 's Mouse , I 'd be tempted to be upset . Day Two - We get up early , lather with sunscreen , and walk the entirety of Downtown Disney to the theme park , praying that the tickets we bought off craigslist before coming actually work to get us in . Wonder of wonders , the guy was legit and they do . ( yay ! ) We take Baby on It 's a Small World as his first intro to Disney rides . At first , he 's in awe , checking out all the dancing dolls . Then , he tries to reach up and touch them . Then he looks confused - " Um , are they ever going to stop singing , Mom ? " By the end , he 's totally over it , trying to jump out of the boat . But the ride is 15 minutes of air conditioned bliss ( Did I mention the record heat ? Oy . ) , so we 're happy . We get off the ride and get an ice cream . We do another couple rides , then stop for water . One more ride , lunch in the shade and more water . Seriously , it 's October . A heat wave ? No fair . We spend a long , sticky , hot day trying to find the longest , most air conditioned rides we can . Then hit the pool that night . Baby T on the King Arthur Carousel with Daddy Day Three - The name of the game today is keep cool . We start off the day with water rides in the California Adventure Park . Baby plays for hours in the water fountains while Big Boy rides the Grizzly Rapids . When everyone is soaked , we hit the margarita stand for frosted cocktails . ( Why on earth did we not do this yesterday ? ) We do a few more water rides at Disneyland , sit in the shade and eat ice cream , then have dinner in Downtown Disney where we do more margaritas . Back to the park after dark for a few more rides , then we hit the shops for souvenirs before retiring to our rooms . Big Boy in the biggest balloon hat on the planet in Downtown Disney . ( Really , he 's having fun . It 's just that he 's ten , and the Tween Code requires he wear a semi - sulking expression at all times . ) Day Four - We planned to spend the morning swimming before packing up , but a freak thunderstorm derails those plans . ( Bear in mind , this is L . A . It rains twice a year here . When I say " freak , " I totally mean it . ) So , we pack up , load everyone into the car , and settle in for another seven hours of The Wiggles . ( For those of you curious , yes , I did send the DVD back to Netflix the second we go home . ) Overall , great trip . Lots of fun . I highly recommend the margaritas . Happy birthday , Baby T ! Those fortunate enough not to have been bitten by the writing bug often wonder what compels us authors to sit down at our computers , day after day , word after word , sore back after sore back . After some soul searching , I recently discovered there are three primary reasons why I write . Reason # 1 : I enjoy the sense of power writing gives me . In my real world , I can 't get my son to change his underwear or eat a vegetable , but when I sit down to write , my characters do exactly what I tell them , right when I tell them to do it . I decide whether my character will wear her faded blue jeans and a sweatshirt or the trashy mini - skirt and satin halter . She has absolutely no say in the matter . If I don 't like what a character is saying , I can cut him off in mid - sentence . I can give my characters a wedgie should I so choose . If my characters piss me off , I can arrange to have their throats slit . Yes , writing is power . Reason # 2 : My life is pretty damn ordinary and writing allows me to experience things I never will in my " real " world . Unless working part - time as a tax advisor , attending PTA meetings , and scrubbing toilets can be called fun , my life is pretty dull . But through my writing , I can sky dive into an active volcano and live to tell about it . I can scale Mount Everest wearing nothing but a bikini and a pair of flip flops . I can go on a European tour with an all - female punk rock band whose roadies are male underwear models . Yee - ha ! Reason # 3 : I 'm a closet skank . I 'd never cheat on my husband , but after 19 years of marriage , our love life has become somewhat . . . um . . . er . . . predictable . Through my love scenes , however , I can vicariously sleep with dozens of sexy men and never risk contracting a disease or being served with divorce papers . If I 'm in the mood for something exotic , Enrique comes to visit , rolling his R 's as we roll in the hay . Pierre is always good for a French kiss , and he makes French toast the morning after . For some down and dirty fun , a randy redneck in the bed of a pickup fits Posted by We All Need a Little MysteryA good friend of mine writes cozy mysteries , and when she first started reading my fantasies ( novels , not the other kind ) she remarked that she 'd never be able to make up an entire world like I did . I found it incredible that she could write in the " real world " and not have the luxury of making stuff up when she needed it . Two totally different writers approaching their stories from two totally different perspectives , but what we both agreed on , was that all stories need a sense of wonder . Without mystery , stories just weren 't any fun . I 'll read just about any genre out there , but I 've always been drawn to science fiction and fantasy when I write . I think it 's the wonder that draws me in . Not only do I get to follow the plot mystery ( how will this turn out ? ) , but I get to create a world with its own mysteries and complexities . Every time I turn a corner , something new and amazing has to be figured out . How do these people make a living ? How did this culture evolve ? Where did this magic come from ? When did these problems begin ? Each world - building exercise is a mystery to be solved for me , and figuring out that mystery is as much fun as writing the actual story . But it doesn 't just end with what I write . These are also questions that fill my mind as I read or watch a story , regardless of what genre . Any time a story can surprise me it 's a win . Surprising a writer is hard work , because we plot all the time and can usually spot a twist coming a mile away . But when it happens , it 's such a thrill , and I enjoy the story all the more because it took me someplace new and unexpected . It 's the little joys I remember . Better still , is when you 're not sure how all the pieces fit together , but you start figuring the plot out and seeing the truth under the misdirection . You have to know what happens next because you need to know if you 're right . Were you smart enough to solve those puzzles ? Were you really one step ahead or did they fool you , too ? Figuring out the twist of a moPosted by WINNER ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Bet you have won the copy of Shut Up and Kiss Me and the copy of the CD The Fancy Shapes . Please send me your snail mail address at christie ( at ) christie - craig ( . ) com " Music and rhythm find their way into the secret places of the soul . " PlatoIt 's happened more than once . I 'll be in my car , listening to the radio , and a song will play . I 'll get pulled into music or the lyrics . Suddenly , wherever my mind was , I 'm not there anymore . I 'm in the song . If it 's a sad song , I probably have tears in my eyes and my mascara is running down my face . If it 's happy song , I 'm smiling ear to ear and looking pretty goofy . If there 's a lot of rhythm , I 'm probably doing a little dance , my butt bouncing on the car seat . If it 's a song I know and love the words to , I sing along , belt out the words as if I 'm on a stage , as if I can sing and my " carry - a - tune " thingamajig doesn 't have a big hole in it . But it doesn 't matter . I 'm in a moment and I forget . I forget that the people stopped at the red light are staring at me , wondering what kind of fruitcake I am . Not that I really care , but when I do see them snickering and staring , I blush just a little bit . But then I tell myself that when they see me in a middle of a music moment , they 're thinking the same thing I 'm thinking when I see someone else in one . I usually smile and if my radio isn 't on , I turn it on . Because , well , music is good for us . And getting lost in one of those music moments is heart - healthy . Like the quote above states , music finds a place in our souls . Music is therapy . No , seriously , there is a thing called music therapy . In some states , Medicare will even pay for it . I 'm not joking . Google it and you 'll see . So why am I talking about music today ? Well , I have a song . Okay … I don 't have a song . My book , Shut Up and Kiss Me , has a song . It wasn 't exactly written for my book , but you 'll never guess what the title is : Shut up and Kiss Me , and it mentions soul mates in the lyrics , and if you 've rChristie Craig Hi All , Thanks for letting me join this stellar group of " killers ! " LOL I love the moniker , Lori Lethal Avocato ! I am working on the Lethal in Lace series for those who wonder where the title came from . Great to be here ! Lori I am so excited that fall shows have started the rounds . HOUSE is back with some of the most brilliant writing and acting on television . Seriously , if you haven 't watched this - try it . But rent the seasons in order or you will miss the backstory subtleties . HELL ' S KITCHEN is back and I 'm sorta worried on that one . This has to be the worst set of candidates I 've ever seen . I 'm starting to wonder if people are being selected for the show to produce ratings by being mental or awful , but for those of us who want to see a real competition , it 's only annoying . Besides , didn 't the HK producers learn from that whole American Idol " Sunjaya " fiasco ? Anyway , I don 't like anyone on there yet and quite frankly , would physically strangle a few of them if they were in my grasp . But probably the most entertaining of all the train wrecks on television is JERSEY SHORE . I know , I know . People may groan and shake their heads in dismay , but Lord help , that show is funny . I don 't get all the whining by those from New Jersey who somehow think it reflects poorly on them . Do they really think the entire country is so stupid we think those kids are representative of an entire state ? Not to mention that what they do represent is a specific subculture found in the New England regions - the guidos . They are not making this up - that 's the way of life they 've chosen , just like skaters or goths or whatever other subcultures exist . Where else are you going to learn great expressions like the " smush room " ( the only room in the shared household with a double bed - you get the idea ) or here a girl referring to getting lucky as " getting it in ? " They 're young , they 're having fun and they 're making a ton of money partying . If I could have acted a fool for money when I was in my early twenties , then never had to worry about money again , I probably would have . New identities just aren 't that hard to come by . LOLLast week , there was a big fray in the writing community because one of the JS stars , Snooki , got a book deal for a romance book . Snooki has beePosted by This week I am at Disneyland celebrating Baby T 's first birthday . ( OMG , can you believe it 's been a year already ? Time flies when you get no sleep . . . ) So , to fill in for me is the fabulous Maria Grazia Swan . Take it away , Maria . . . We order without even thinking . It 's good that we know what we like and don 't have to pop Prozac to calm our nerves before deciding . It 's bad that we unreflectively make that same choice again and again . With all the new trends , you 'll find almost infinite ways to cook eggs , omelet , huevos rancheros , eggs benedicts , frittatas . But , we tend to stick to our safe , familiar routine . Sort of like we do with dating . Before we go out on a date with someone , we ought to learn their likes and dislikes , so that instead of playing the old game ; " What do you want to do ? " " I dunno , what you want to do ? " We should have a plan . A plan ? For a date ? Believe me , it can pay off . Most people opt for a movie . That way , if you don 't like your date , at least you don 't have to talk . I say , forget the movie ; go to a comedy club You still don 't have to talk and you do get entertained , and most important , you get to see how your date reacts to the jokes told by the stand - up comedians , regardless of how ' politically correct ' they are - or aren 't - . That 's like 3 - D for the soul , and it works both ways , so you may learn from your own reactions . Afraid too much laughter will put wrinkles on your face ? Go to an art show . Most are free , and they even serve refreshments . Here again , little talk , much expression of soul . Personally I stay away from dinner for a first date . I don 't want to sit in judgment of , or be judged by the choice of restaurant or the price of the food ordered . Meet for happy hour , if the chemistry is there you can stay for dinner , if it 's not , drive home carefully . Yes , dating has a lot in common with eggs : if you rush the cooking you may get sick , if you cook your eggs too long , they get rubbery and tasteless and please , treat each egg gently , they break easily . And we certainly all like our eggs fresh . Hey , some people even like them raw . If you are allergic to eggs … get egg substitutes . They may not taste the same , but they are good for you . And if you need something to talk about with your date , how about : " What came first , the egg or the chicken ? " The first problem for all of us , men and women , is not to learn , but to unlearn . Gloria Steinem Maria Grazia Swan is an author and motivational speaker who shares relationship advice and guidance for women re - entering the social / dating scene . Maria empowers and encourages single women to be bold , fearless , and sexy in their pursuit of life and love after age 45 . An award recipient from the Women 's National Book Association , Swan is the author of Boomer Babes : True Tales of Love and Lust in the Later Years ( Leisure Books ) . Visit http : / / www . mariagrazia . tv
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It was a busy couple of weeks , so excuse me for not waxing poetic at great lengths . I know you 'd rather see pictures of the kid anyway . Enjoy . . . Ethan 's ( and mom 's ) first trip to pick out a " holiday shrubbery " . In the absence of a red Starbucks cup , Ethan bonds with the red bows . " mmmm , shiny red bow , how I love youuuuuuuu . " Ethan , right before the haircut . Do you think he can tell what 's coming ? " Check me out ! Chicks dig my new short sassy ' do ! " " Seriously , enough with the red bows ! " Ethans sans Trump - esque comb - over . " Play that funky music , white boy ! " Ethan opens Hannukah presents at Gram & Grampy 's . Not a red bow in sight . But we did find Runny Babbit . . . In the event of a water landing , your mommy can be used as a flotation device . My little man , on top of the world Not being a true Christmas celebrant , Ralphie 's epic quest for a Red Ryder b - b gun is the reason for the season as far as I 'm concerned . And here I sit in my hotel suite ( upgraded b / c they ran out of king sized beds before we checked in ) , next to Husband and my diaper - clad , raspberry - blowing , squealing son , I am settling in to watch " A Christmas Story " and wonder if there is such a thing as Xmas Eve room service . But that 's not what this entry is about . This entry is about what a champ Ethan was on his first plane flight , and how we gave him his first haircut today . Yes , the Donald Trump - do is no more . Husband & I somehow managed to keep Squirmy E still long enough to snip the one Rapunzel - esque lock that was forever being combed over - - it was getting to that freaky " wrap around " point , where the comb - over actually went waayyyyy around behind the ear ; never attractive , in my opinion , but less so at 7 months . But I will get to that in a minute ( after I watch Flip stick his tongue to the frozen light post during recess ) . First , let 's talk about my son , the phenomenal traveller . The " fussy " switch in him has apparently magically been switched to the " off " setting and a heretofore unknown " placid baby " switch has been found and is working overtime . Happy , happy , joy , joy ! In my obsessive need to pre - board before anyone else ( this is a perk I plan to take full advantage of for the next several years ) , and considering it was one of the busiest travel days of the year , we arrived at the airport with several hours to spare . What with finding a parking space and waiting for the shuttle bus to the terminal , waiting to checking the bags , inching through the security line while wondering what technically is and isn 't a liquid and is my chapstick considered a suspicious item , and the bjorning and un - bjorning of the baby , I envisioned hours of drudgery ahead of us at BWI . There was parking . We were 6th in line to check our bags . There was NO wait at the security line . For a moment I was afraid we had slept through Xmas altogethPosted by But I can 't . I have pictures of Ethan sitting up on his play mat , all " hell , I 've been sitting for ages and ages ! " and I have pictures of Ethan being totally ho - hum as we light the menorah ( right in front of the . . . holiday tree ) . I have pictures of Ethan doing all kinds of adorable Ethan things . But alas , I cannot show them to you . Husband , generous and loving soul that he is , got me a MacBook for Hannukah and as fabulous as it is supposed to be for blogs and pictures and all that , I cannot figure out how to find my pictures . I know , I know * hanging head in shame * . It is embarrassing to admit and I am only admitting it because it is almost 1am & I 'm only partially aware that I 'm even writing this post . Tomorrow we leave for the frozen north for almost a week of running around visiting family & friends . My head is swimming with lists of things to pack , things to do and things to remember between now and when we leave . Whatever part of my brain isn 't entirely occupied with this part - time OCD is stressing about how Ethan 's going to deal with the flight . We are all sick right now ; Husband and I fighting some funky sore throat / ear ache thing . It 's fab . Ethan has an on again , off again fever and no other symptoms but the uber - fuss . I 'm hoping it 's teething - - good god , I need some proof that there are indeed teeth in that child 's head ! With my luck , its a double ear infection and I am going to lose my place in line for " mother of the year " for not having rushed him to the pedi this week . In my defense , I have done that several times over the course of the past 7 months and each time they send me away with a pat on the head and a roll of the eyes . He 's never sick . * shrug * I just don 't know . So wish us luck that the little man 's ears don 't explode on the plane and that he is happy just to nurse and snooze for the hour of the flight . And hopefully I won 't get kicked off of any planes for breastfeeding . I will try not to offend any skittish flight attendents with my boobs . I promise . And when we return , I will have pictures aPosted by My son . He does not sleep . EVER . Well , sometimes he does . But more often than not he is simply " resting his eyes " , waiting for the first opportunity to squint up his face , spit out his paci and wail . Seriously . It 's getting old . I ' M getting old . Daytime is fine ; we nap together which feels indulgent and frivolous , but that 's one of the joys of staying at home , isn 't it ? Why not take advantage of it ? I spent the first 6 months of his life obsessing about the laundry , the dishes , the dusting , blah blah . I threw that towel in and decided that snoozing with the little man was way more important . And it is . And I enjoy it . And somehow , all the other stuff still finds a way to get done . Or maybe I 've lowered my standards . Either way , it works out and no one 's complaining . Nighttime is an entirely different story and it 's wearing on us big . time . Finding his bedtime requires serious detective work . Was that eye - rub legit or did he get an eyelash in his eye ? Is that fussing about being tired or hungry ? Why , after almost eight months is it so tough to figure this out ? Then , when he does go to sleep , it is a micro - nap of 20 minutes . There is much shuffling up and down the stairs , rocking and ssssh ' ing , turning on the white noise machine ; turning up the white noise machine ; checking for fever ; checking his diaper ; checking my sanity . Yeah , that 's just about gone at this point . And when we get him back to sleep ? It starts again 20 minutes later . We 've had some lucky stretches of 2 - 3 hours of sleep in between the theatrics , but those are few & far between . And we 've learned not to trust them or count on them . Perhaps a phase ? We are still waiting for that first tooth . Could this be it ? These are the slowest freaking teeth in the history of mankind . Ugh . This blog entry has no logical end . It 's just time to try to get a little catnap before the incredible sleepless wonder pops awake for another round . Have I talked about how much of a flirt my son is ? Have I mentioned how he sticks his tongue out between smiling lips as he 's looking at another baby , or another mom , or a daddy , or one of the cats ? Have I described how his whole body jiggles with excitement when he makes someone else smile ? And how as soon as he gets that smile , he turns and buries his head in my shoulder ? Have I mentioned that ? Because it is too freaking cute . Last week , at the coffee shop , Ethan flirted endlessly with Lily . This week , he & Kate pulled on eachother 's socks while Kate 's mom and I talked over lattes . At yoga class , he smiles across the mats at Katherine until she 's rolling over to him ( okay , so the real lure might be the fact that Ethan has the same toy as Katherine and she 's thinking he 's taken it from her ; but I like to think it 's because he 's totally irresistable ) I swear , this boy is such a player . It 's cute now . It probably won 't be too cute when he 's 13 & the phone starts ringing . Last Tuesday you were 7 whole months old , if you can wrap your head around that one , little man . This is the first month that I have started looking back and realizing how far we 've come . Gone are the nights when we used to run downstairs in a state of semi - consciousness to warm up a bottle for you and then spend vast expanses of time rocking you back to sleep . Now we just sit up for a few minutes , nurse and head back to dream land . Mommy no longer finds herself fishing around in the dark for sweatpants before the crack of dawn because you 've decided that 5 : 15am is a perfectly acceptable time to wake up . Now you sleep until at least 7am every morning and either accompany daddy to Starbucks in the morning at a reasonable hour or cuddle with mommy in the warmth of our blankets . But then , naps and bedtime are no longer what they once were , either . Gone are the days when you simply rubbed your eyes once and zonked out in my arms 3 - 4 times a day for over an hour at a time . Ah , good times . Gone , too , are the nights when you 'd pass out in daddy 's arms on the couch while we watched TV and stay asleep until your " every three hour " internal alarm clock went off as your belly 's tank hit empty . Now , things are a little more work intensive - - there 's much to do with the exact timing of sleepy cues and white noise and precise light - levels and optimal motion , and . . . sigh , the list goes on and on and even the perfect combination of all factors does not ensure more than 10 - 15 minutes of shut - eye on your part . If you 'd only catch on that sleep is indeed one of the great pleasures of life , we 'd all be a lot happier . But as I type this , I hear you upstairs babbling to daddy when you should be napping . You were the one rubbing your eyes and crying 20 minutes ago , right ? So , you sleep with us and often you end up in one of our sets of arms for some part of the night . All the books say this is a big fat no - no , but considering the human race has been raising babies since the dawn of the caveman without the help of Ferber & Weissbluth and wPosted by Remember that anti - drug commercial in the 80 's where the dad confronts the son after finding a box of pot in his room ? When the dad presses him to explain how he learned about smoking up , the kid melodramatically bursts out with , " You ! I learned it from watching you ! " And we all learned a valuable lesson in how kids watch and imitate the behavior of their parents . Very heavy stuff . Well , you would think that Husband and I would have expected this , given that effective ad campaign . But alas , we did not . No , we didn 't find Ethan in his crib taking a hit off a bong or smoking a big old doobie . What we 've discovered is that after watching us for 7 months make our daily trek to the yuppy coffee Mecca our son is already jonesing for the Starbucks . Exibit A . . . Don 't be alarmed ; it 's empty . But it 's red . Red seems to be Mr . E 's most favoritest color in the whole wide world these days . If it 's red , he wants to touch it . He must taste it . He wants to " love it , and hug it and name it George . " And the holiday Starbucks cups ? They are red . Therefore , he must have it . This Starbucks cup holds an auspicious place in the life of litte Mr . Ethan J . C . It is the first " toy " that , when taken away from him , resulted in whining , grasping and tears . Yes , the left over refuse from daddy 's tall no - foam latte has been the most loved and prized possession of our son 's first 7 months . That , my friend , is $ 3 . 50 well - spent . Posted by Is that I 'm old . Old . Old . Old . I know this because today was * early release day * for the high schools in my local school district . This horrifying event that allows random teenagers and their angst to roam the malls and streets starting at 12 : 15pm happened to coincide with my day to meet the mommy group at Starbucks . And wouldn 't you know it ? Teenagers lurve their caffeine . Literally PACKS of teenagers were descending upon Starbucks as I pulled in to the parking lot . They were hanging on the rails of the outside seating area like monkeys at the zoo . They were scurrying across the parking lot in front of my car . Don 't think I didn 't count up the number of points they were worth . One mom was already in Starbucks , sitting alone with her child , staring out the window , and from the look on her face , desperately willing the rest of us to show up . I was so relieved that for once I hadn 't been Miss Punctuality . I am so on time it is embarrassing . Fortunately today , Ethan decided to take one of his 20 minutes nap at just the right time to make us 5 minutes late . Seriously people . They were like locusts . And they gawked as each one of us walked through the door with our babies . The girls " awwwwwwwwed " in their high - pitched girly voices , waking up the babies who were sleeping . The boys paid no attention until it looked like a baby might be getting ready to nurse ; then the thought of seeing naked real life booby piqued their interest and they were all about oooh ' ing and ahhhh ' ing at the babies . As I stood in line to order my grande peppermint hot chocolate ( just saying that makes me feel warm and fuzzy - - oh , and fat ) , Ethan was accosted by a green - haired girl from the * alternative * crew . She was in front of us with her guy friend who will be coming out of the closet shortly . Until then he 's just going to write really deep and disturbing poetry . Anyway - - - - as she turned around and saw Ethan in his cute little Bjorn , she did her cute , teenage girl giggle ( pom poms or black lipstick , the giggle is usually the same ) , turned to her Posted by Today , in honor of the freakishly warm November weather we 're experiencing , we took Ethan to the park . There we found three groups of musically dueling folk groups ( wha ? ? ? ? ? ) and the baby swings . We went for the baby swings , the dueling banjo routine was just an added . . . um , bonus ? Earlier in the summer , I saw a mom putting her baby in the swings and thought it was the cutest thing ever . But as I was carting around a floppy - headed baby who was so tiny he 's slip through the swing 's leg hole , I assumed we 'd just have to wait until his around his first birthday to introduce him to the joy that is the baby swing . Not so . Today is more of a photo blog than anything else . You 'd say it 's a cop - out , if the pictures weren 't so freaking cute ! . . . and other things you learn at Thanksgiving dinner . I 'm not going to share the story of how I know ( it 's just more fun to make you guess ) . But I thought it was a funny title for the Thanksgiving post . So today I had a realization about myself . As I watched my petite little sister in law show my husband 's cousin how to do " Spider Man " push ups , while I drank my standard soy chai tea latte , I came to the painful realization that I have let myself go . Sure , I know - - " 9 up , 9 down " , that 's what people say . " You were on bedrest for 4 months ! " they also like to remind me , as if this somehow makes the extra 20 pounds I am carrying around almost 7 months later an acceptable given . As if no one could possibly be expected to be able to lose weight that their body no longer needs because of a condition that hasn 't impacted them in more than half a year . " But you have the baby to take care of all day ! When would you even have time to work out or cook a really healthy meal ? ! " They like to remind me . Perhaps this is the most valid of the things people say to me to make me feel better about this body I no longer recognize . Regardless - - I am fat . Well , not fat like " you 'll see the lower portion of my body walking away on a nightly news report about obesity " fat , but fat . And it 's not unfamiliar territory - - after being Miss Skinny Minnie in high school ( I used to drink slim fast shakes WITH dinner just because they were so yummy ) , my metabolism hit a brick wall in my early 20 's and I spent the better part of a decade with one foot in Obese - town . So perhaps more than a woman who has always been thin and then finds herself carting around extra weight after giving birth , this new body of mine terrifies me in a way I can barely stand to describe . And I won 't because it 's Thanksgiving , people ! And I don 't need to take this post to that dark place . . . . And it 's not just my weight . I have had one haircut in a year . ONE . IN A YEAR , people ! How my hair isn 't all Crystal Gayle 'd out is beyond me - - it just stops growing after a certain point . BuPosted by So today my boob 's made their debut on the local evening news . Well , sort of . In response to some ignorant idiot flight attendant kicking a nursing mom off of a Delta flight last week in Vermont , women across the country sat down at Delta ticket counters from coast to coast and whipped out their boobs in solidarity . And I was there . Yeah , sister ! I wasn 't going to go . I wanted to . But I was torn - - 10 am is right smack in the middle of Ethan 's nap time . Generally I 'd chew off my own arm rather than keep Ethan from napping because when he misses a nap , he is a bear . A bonafide cranky infant bear . It 's not pretty . So I was going to say a lot of " gee , I wish I could go , but . . . . " 's and call it a day . But by 10 : 15 , it became apparent that napping was not on the agenda , in spite of the eye - rubbies and the whining ( oh , how mommy loves the whining ! ) So I bundled him up and headed off to Reagan National Airport . There were about 25 women there and a ton of babies and toddlers , as well as the press . Ethan made a big show of spitting up on me , which was lovely , but he also managed to get a few minutes of nursing in here and there as well . It was basically just a big old love fest with a bunch of moms and their kids . It was great ! Of course , with the way the Delta ticket counter is set up , we weren 't right in front of them ; we were at a bank of seats off to the side and we didn 't see one representative from Delta at all . Cowards . But we did see the press . Every local DC news outlet was there , filming , shooting stills and interviewing moms . And lo and behold , as I watched the 6pm news , there I was - - - all unflattering and shit , but nursing my little boy and apparently carrying on a very animated conversation with the woman next to me at the same time . I could tell by watching it ( again and again - - we have DVR ) that they caught a moment during which Ethan wasn 't really eating - - he was just sort of hanging out ( he may have actually been talking to my boob at the time ; when he 's not eating , he often mistakes my breast for a microphone orPosted by One of the perks of having a baby ( besides the baby smell and the unconditional love stuff ) is that when I am out in public , I can talk to myself ALL . DAY . LONG . and no one looks at me like I 'm a crazy homeless person . I 'm an only child . One of the fabulous quirks of being an only child is that I have , from an early age , talked to myself . Muttering , cracking myself up , full - on conversations . SOLO . If I forget where I am and start doing this in public , I can definitely make people avert their eyes like , " Don 't look at the crazy person . Don 't look at the crazy person . Don 't look at the crazy person . " So I have learned that perhaps I will spend less time in psych ward if I learn NOT to talk to myself when I am anywhere others might witness it . My car . Fair game . The shower . Fair game . But Starbucks , the grocery store , the mall - - - all off - limits . Until I had Ethan . Carting Ethan around , in the bjorn or the stroller gives me an open invitation to prattle away , all under the guise that I am in fact , chattering lovingly to my son . And , don 't get me wrong , often I am . I shower him with baby talk and air kisses plenty . But I also ramble on about what type of apple I should buy to make the sausage and apple stuffing for Thanksgiving . At great length . In front of people . It 's so liberating . Of course , my fear is that I will become so accustomed to this license to be a crazy person in public that a . ) one day Ethan 's going to be old enough to talk back and he 's going to be like , " Ma , you 're a loon . " and b . ) one day he 's not going to be out in public with me every single time I 'm out and what if I start talking to myself then ? ? ? I 'll be the crazy lady who roams the aisles of Target chattering to herself about cat litter . God . Help . Me . And , yes , I know I took the weekend off from the whole blogging thing . I have failed at the whole 30 entries in 30 days . I won 't beat myself up , though . This month has definitely jumpstarted my blogging and that 's good enough for me . A girl 's gotta rest sometime , you know . So , being Jewish ( or as we joke considering how lax we are at this point in our lives , " Jew - ish " ) , and the parents of an infant , we are faced with the dilemma of how to integrate the secular components of Xmas ( that how the non - Christians write it , right ? ) into a celebration of Hannukah . As a child , a Hannukah bush decorated in bright primary colors adorned the top of our TV ( one of those big 1970 's television consoles ) . Lights & tinsel in non - Xmas colors pop into my memory and can be found in the pages of my childhood photo albums . My mom 's side of the family celebrated Xmas and my Dad 's celebrated Hannukah . It never confused me as a child ; I knew which one went with my religion and which one was just for fun . Even still , I loved Xmas carols and everything about the Xmas season . I wonder now if my parents ever feared I was going to come home from school one day ( oh yeah , I went to Catholic schools - - that 's a whole other post ) and declare that I loved Jesus . As an aside , I did for a very brief time in the third or fourth grade consider becoming a nun . Something about it appealed to me ( I 'll wait for you to stop laughing before I go on ) . But then Laurel told me I had to be Christian to be a nun . Well , that put an end to that career path . Because , again , I was never confused as to what my religion was . But for some reason , as a parent , I don 't know where / how to draw the line . Is Ethan going to want to believe in Santa ? Should we get a Xmas tree and just decorate it with blue and silver ? In this day and age , these decisions shouldn 't be brain surgery , but to new parents trying to make the right choices for their child ( good lord people , one wrong move and he 's scarred for life , don 't you know that ? ? ! ! ! yikes ! ! ! ) , it feels huge . It feels MASSIVE . It feels like Mama needs a glass of wine . Or two . We did decide that we were going to send holiday cards . With a picture of Ethan on it . Husband & I both agreed that this year , neither of us are " family portrait quality " . Our goal is to be freaking hotties for next year 's familyPosted by My son . He is a good fella . At least , that is the consensus of my new group of mom friends . We were sitting around Starbucks this afternoon and it must have been the velour track suit he was sporting ( zipper down a bit because it was freaking hot ! People , it is November - - it 's supposed to be cold ! ) and the curly - q magic of his hair . He flashed a smirk at one of the girls and as if it was a revelation from above she said , " He could be a Soprano ! " And she was right . He just needed a cigar . How you doin ' ? Posted by So tonight I gave a pregnant friend of mine Ethan 's 0 - 3 month clothes . Sigh . Pieces of fabric that are too tiny for him to wear now . It 's wonderful , really . I love helping my friend out ; she was so sweet and thoughtful when I was pregnant , on bedrest , in the hospital last March and after I delivered Ethan . She and her husband brought us food and were the first to babysit Ethan when Husband and I were finally willing to be apart from him for more than ten minutes at a time ( it is , however , still on record as the most speedily consumed meal EVER ) . So it 's a great thing , and I feel good to have helped out in some way , since I 'm usually so busy with Ethan and spinning in circles , I don 't really feel like I 'm doing a lot for other people these days . At the same time , as Husband helped her carry the three bags of clothes out to her car and I went upstairs to nurse Ethan to sleep , I had a moment of such intense sadness . Like I was losing a tiny little piece of my baby . While my sweet little man , who is growing so much every day , drowsed while he nursed , I wanted nothing more than to freeze time and just keep him where he is now . It was all - consuming and I had to talk myself out of crying . One of my favorite books ever is The Catcher in the Rye . In one of the final scenes Holden Caufield watches his little sister Phoebe on the merry - go - round and wishes he could put her in a glass case in the museum because nothing in those glass cases ever changes , even though the world around them changes all the time . My teacher 's mind always thought that was such a poignant way to look at youth and innocence and the desire to protect someone you love from the changes that growing up forces one to go through . My mother 's mind is just a puddle on the floor thinking of that passage and how quickly my little baby is growing . He was fussing earlier today and I heard myself say , " I swear , I can 't wait until you can just TELL me what is wrong . " But I can ; I can wait , little man . Take your time . Please don 't go too fast . Yeah . About two posts back I was all bragging and shit about that stupid lovey . Lovey , my ass . It would seem as though Mr . E has become immune to the lovey . I 'm sure over the past week or so he 's been building up sleep antibodies to use as a defense against the power of the lovey . And thus , today the lovey had zero impact on my little napper . Irony of all ironies , this immunity seems to have coincided nicely with the day that I rushed out to Target to buy two more identical lovies in case this one should become worn beyond all recognition or god forbid , lost somewhere . Today - - no naps . Well , none to speak of . There was a 20 minute stretch in the car between Target and Babies R Us and another 20 minute teaser which followed an hour of " pleeeeeeeeeeease sleep " from mommy . That was it . Then there hours of crying and blowing raspberries and crying and giggling and crying and . . . well , you get the general idea . This nap strike comes on the same day that we are transitioning Little E to his crib . Yeah , delightful . In his exhausted state , the first attempt was super easy . Two hours later , however , he 's been up twice , each time increasingly pissed off that he is not in our bed . Good times . . . It may be the middle of November , but it was sunny and warm in South Carolina this weekend , so we took the opportunity to introduce Mr . E to the surf and sand . He seems to have taken to it like a natural . There was even a face - plant into the sand that illicited no tears or fretting of any kind . It got more of a " hmmmm . . . sand is tasty " reaction than anything else . Sure kid , spit out the fancy organic cereal mommy buys for you , but savor that mouthful of dirt . Ah well , I guess that sort of counts towards his introduction to solids . So the sand in the toes , in the fingers , in the hair , in the diapers , in the carseat , in the butt . . . that was all fun stuff ! There 's nothing quite like watching him discover something for the first time , especially when it is something like the beach , a place I grew up loving and have such warm and fuzzy memories about . I haven 't spent a lot of time kvetching about it because usually I have a hard time finding the humor in it , but little E is not the greatest sleeper in the world . Perhaps it was the seven nights he spent in an isolette in the NICU , perhaps it 's just the way he 's wired , but this kid NEEDS to be on people . Not near , not next to . . . . on . And so for the past six months , in addition to being " Mommy , the food " , two or three or four times a day , I become " Mommy , the bed " . You can watch a lot of TV being " Mommy , the bed " , but you can 't really accomplish a lot . Thus , " Mommy , the keeper of the house " is in dire need of the ability to physically telaport herself through time and space to get the laundry done and cook a meal . I will just say that Martha Stewart would consider my house uninhabitable ( and that woman has done time in prison ! ) Don 't get me wrong , there 's almost nothing sweeter in this world than a sleeping Ethan . And being " Mommy , the bed " gives me a front row seat to all his almost irresistibly edible cuteness . Many times I have found myself staring adoringly at his little snoozing face wanting to reach down and swallow him up in one bite . But cute only goes so far when you realize that your arm is falling asleep AGAIN , you really have to pee and you 're dying of thirst . I still believe that the joy that was my July kidney infection / hospital stay was a result of not having enough water to drink while Ethan was a newborn because I was stuck on the couch for literally hours and hours at a stretch without a drop of water to drink as my poor kidneys tried to make do with the drops they could squeeze from whatever food I happened to be able to eat in between naps and the incessant scream - fests that were the early days . " Well , Sarah , put him down , go pee , get a drink and come back , silly ! " Ha Ha Ha , I say . Even in the deepest of sleeps , this little stinker would know when his head met with anything other than the crook of mom 's arm and the wailing would begin . I tried this over and over again until I realized it was simplPosted by Did you know there are actually places in this country where you CAN ' T find a Starbucks ? I know , it is a sad thought . Coming from a city where on certain street corners you can actually take your choice between the three Starbucks within eye - shot , this dearth of Starbucks is more of a shock to the system than a triple shot espresso . Here we are in relatively rural South Carolina visiting my parents . We have grown accustomed to the latte withdrawal over the years and we just make sure that we savor that last grande on our way out of town to start the 8 hour drive . I figure , they gave me life , kept a roof over my head and paid for my education ; the least I can do is go grande - soy - chai - tea - latte - less for 48 hours or so in order to see them a couple times a year . It 's not easy , but hey , I love them , right ? So imagine my glee when my father told me there was " Starbucks - type " coffee place just down the road from their house on the golf course . After Ethan was down for a nap , I grabbed my keys and scooted down the road . I turned right at the Fish House , a restaurant that has a gigantic fiber glass shark busting through the roof of the building . It 's quite the landmark . And so I arrived at the latte place . Thus began my religious experience for the day . I should have been clued in by the shop 's logo - - a coffee cup with steam in the shape of a halo . I opened the door and immediately saw that they had two cushy couches , a la Central Perk and cute little lamps and coffee tables . The couches were upholstered in denim , but I guess it is rural South Carolina after all , so its ' not like they furnished the place at Crate & Barrel or Pottery Barn . At the counter , I read the menu - - the blakcboard with the perfectly penned list of drinks and options . What is it about that perfect hand - writing you always see on coffee shop blackboards ? Is penmanship part of the interview process ? What happens if the person with the impeccable handwriting is sick on the day that the specials change ? Can they even open the shop ? ? I swear , only first - grade tPosted by Now you say , " Hi , Sarah , Ethan 's mom " . This is sort of what starting up a mom 's group feels like - - - Moms Anonymous . My " Baby & Me " Yoga and Baby Massage classes have morphed into an informal mom 's group . Last week three of us met at Starbucks and today seven of us met at a local coffee shop , babies in tow . We came equipped with bjorns , pacis , strollers , pacis , burp clothes , sun hats , pacis , toys , our horror stories and , oh . . . yeah , pacis . I really enjoy meeting with these women . They are women I would have been friends with if I 'd met them in a regular non - baby yoga class or if they were co - workers . But that 's not how I met them . I met them because we all signed up for a class without knowing each other and because we were trying to make some sense of our new identities as moms ; in particular moms who are staying at home , either permanently or for some undetermined stretch of time . We haven 't really gotten into it yet , but I wonder if any of them feel like they are floating out in some unfamiliar space , grasping to make sense of it all . I think that 's probably too * deep * for our second cup of coffee . But there 's lots of talk about breast pumps and labor and sleep habits and reflux , which I suppose is just as good as spilling your guts about how hard being a mother is and how exhausting and how you feel like your identity has slipped away and you feel like you 're rebuilding from square one . . . . . Did I say that ? ? ? Anyway , what I mean is - - I find it interesting that this group of women , we don 't know each other at all , really . I only know their last names because of our email address list . I dont ' know what they all did for a living before having kids . I don 't know their husbands ' names or what type of music they listen to , where they stand politically , or where they are from originally ( well , I know where a couple of them are from ) . All I know is that they are other moms of other adorable babies and I enjoy their company . And I realize that that 's all they know about me , too . I am Ethan 's Mom . They are the first people I Posted by Stupid 30 posts in 30 days . I have nothing interesting to talk about tonight , but I feel compelled to post just because I said I would . Writer 's block and sleep deprivation are ugly things , especially together . So instead of trying to come up with anything witty ( cuz it ain 't gonna happen , people ) , let 's play a game of " Does he look like me ? " Ethan , 2006 me , 1971 So , this is what happens to my son 's hair when it is not properly combed after his bath . This bizarre curly - q mohawk is a spontaneous example of the unruliness that is my son 's hair , unless of course he is sneaking out of the house , stealing the car and joy - riding into the city under cover of darkness to get his hair styled at some after - hours baby salon that his father & I are unaware of . If that is the case , he should be a real treat as a teenager . I posted a picture yesterday of Ethan 's reaction at starting rice cereal a week ago . In case you missed it , it looks something vaguely like Edvard Munch 's " The Scream " ( please google it if you are unfamiliar ) . This week we decided , since rice cereal was such a bust , perhaps oatmeal would be more palate pleasing . Nothing , my friend , could be farther from the truth . There was a lot of crying and flailing involved . Husband and I have , in the past , considered taking a baby sign language class , but even without training , today I could clearly tell this was , " Ma ! Get that shit away from me ! ! ! Where the hell is your boob ? ? ! ! " A mother just knows . . . So today , after a third failed attemp at oatmeal , I thought perhaps barley cereal would be the magic ticket . You know , third time 's the charm and all that . Besides , I 'm a fan of barley - - they use it to make beer , right ? It had to work . Who ever heard of a baby who didn 't like cereal ? Well , if there 's a list of " babies who hate cereal " , please put Mr . E on that list , right at the top . After the first tentative bite , the message that seemed to be shooting through the synapses in my son 's brain was not " Open your mouth for the next bite of cereal . " It seemed instead to be , " The spoon 's on fire ! ! The spoon 's on fire ! Warn mommy with a blood curdling scream and kick all appendages at full speed ! ! ! " It seems that thus far , whether mixed with breast milk , water or formula , cereal is not going to make it 's way into my son 's belly after that first bite . Actually , now that he 's tried all three , I don 't think I 'd be able to trick him again . I have to admit , I can 't blame him . It 's not like I 'm offering him Fruity Pebbles or Apple Jacks ( because no one can resist those ) . I am trying to convince him that after six months of the perfectly concocted milkshake meal after meal , that this goo is actually food . Each bowl is more cardboard - y than the other . I can understand why he 'd be horribly offended by this turn of events . I just hope that some solid food catches his fancy soon . As much as I lPosted by Seriously ? Half a year come and gone ? It hardly seems possible , little man ! And yet , it is the 5th of the month and that means you are another month older , having had another month 's worth of experiences , trials , tribulations , adventures and hugs & kisses . I can hardly figure out where to begin . You 've changed so much . Your personality , in all it 's strength and determination , shows itself more and more with every passing day . You have started to grace us with the fabulous smiles of pure joy at simply seeing mommy or daddy come into a room . The most precious part of my day is when I open my eyes in the morning and there you are , eyes wide open and looking at me . When I say , " Hi , bud ! " your face lights up and the smile just takes my breath away - - it 's a sucker punch of happiness . When daddy comes downstairs from work at the end of the day , you wiggle in my arms or flap your arms and smile , your tongue blowing raspberries as daddy reaches out to take you . It is so wonderful to feel your love begin to find a way to express itself . The smile that lights up the world and the hair that defies explanationIt 's been a busy couple of months . We took yoga & infant massage classes together and I think it was such an important step for both of us . The first few yoga classes were tough - - you were super fussy and I spent the second hour of yoga rocking you in the hallway and crying , wondering why I spent $ 100 on seven hours worth of holding and rocking you while you cried , when I could essentially do that at home , minus the other women doing yoga while their babies peacefully slept and the tibetan monk chant CD . But by the third class , you seemed to know where we were , what we were doing and you even began to dig it . You still fuss every once in awhile , but you realize now , perhaps , that mommy reeeeeeeeally needs that hour to do sun and moon salutations - - you are pretty happy now to lay at the top of the mat , shaking your blue bee and watching mommy mellow out in triangle pose . This month 's biggest stressor was your weight . You are aPosted by It 's tough being a baby . There 's the sleeping and the constant nursing to contend with , not to mention all the shiney , crinkly toys at your disposal and that mommy lady who caters to your every whim at the first sound of a cry . One can imagine the stress , right ? That 's why all babies need massages . You know , to ease the tension of every day baby life . In another lifetime ( okay , 5 years ago ) , I seriously considered leaving my teaching career to pursue the life of a massage therapist . The thought of being surrounded by aromatherapy , candle - lit rooms and the " plinky plunky " music ( Phoebe 's words , not mine ) of new - age artists piping through the sound system appealed to me beyond words . I imagined the sense of peace and well - being I have after a massage and figured that giving a massage must be almost as good as that . I was * this * close to drop - kicking my teaching certification out the window and enrolling in the local massage institute - - - I even went on an interview at the massage school , looked into buying the anatomy text books and gave my notice at the snooty private school I was working at . For any number of reasons , the switch never happened and now here I am . Enter " Infant Massage " - - yes , the class where I get to live out , in some tiny little way , my dream of being a massage therapist AND my poor little overworked , stressed out baby gets the much needed deep tissue massage his hectic life demands . E and I took a 3 - week massage course taught by my yoga instructor , Jennifer , who I LOVE . Her favorite little mantra is " I honor farts , poops and belches in my class . " This is a woman who understands babies , people ! Far more than the old ladies in the cereal aisle at my local grocery store , who fail to find amusement in my son 's colossal adult - sized gaseous emanations while Mama selects her Special K Red Berries . Jennifer also makes up fabulous little nonsense phrases that I find myself repeating to Ethan when he is fussy . . . . example , " ooohka linka lakka shinka , that feels good ! ( after a yoga pose or a massage ) . Aside from thPosted by So while on my blogging hiatus , Old Man Time snuck up behind me & beat me severely with the " YOU ' RE 35 NOW ! ! ! " stick . It was not pretty . I am not someone who generally minds a birthday . I loved turning 30 - - I felt all strong & powerful & centered in my life . Not so much with 35 . . . it 's tipping the scale each day closer to 40 . FORTY . Four . Zero . Forty . yikes . . . . Having survived nearly six months of motherhood , I deemed myself deserving of a day " off " and informed Husband that I was going to take a day of obscene indulgence ; this included ahhhhhhh , a facial ( and is there anything sweeter than a facial that starts with a foot massage . . . ahhhhhh ) , a leisurely stroll through Barnes & Noble sans ginormous stroller and screaming child secured in ginormous stroller , 2 hours sitting in a dark movie theater , popcorn and soda all to myself ( even if the movie sucked ) , and , the icing on the cake - - - I checked into a hotel downtown , took myself out to dinner and ice cream ( Stone Cold Creamery is proof of God 's existance , if you ask me ) and then slept for . . . . wait for it . . . . 11 hours . Un . Interrupted . Happy . Birthday . To . Me . Now , yes , I experienced major pangs of guilt during the course of my ME day . I thought of rushing home to hug and squeeze my baby and beg his forgiveness for leaving him for a whole day and night . I called home probably more than I needed to . I missed Husband and the E man . But I 'm an only child and I think only children thrive on some amount of solitude . And that was some sweet solitude , my friend . Besides , I considered the case of engorgement I woke up with after not pumping for 12 hours to be my punishment . Nothing like carrying around almost 10oz of breastmilk IN your breasts to start your morning off right . I started writing this post in my head last night as I laid in bed , unable to sleep . It was way wittier then and once again , I should have gotten off my lazy ass , come downstairs and written it as it was first popping into my head . But alas I did not , so what we have is just mediocre at best . But you know whaPosted by May this offering of the little peapod appease the blog - gods whom I have offended with my absence . : - ) Yes , Husband and I ( okay , I ) decided that since we called little E " pea pod " when he was in mah belly that he should be a " pea pod " for his first Halloween . You know , for old time 's sake . Well , that and it 's so freaking cute . Halloween for us was actually just dressing Ethan up the day before Halloween and snapping about a hundred pictures . When the actual day arrived , we attempted to do the " dress up " again , and wound up with a very pissy pea pod . Please note exhibit A . . . Clearly , Ethan was unaware of his own irresistable cuteness in this outfit , because he was having none of it . Also note the mellow and lovely leopard , Miss Chloe , chilling with Ethan as he melts the hell down . Trick or freaking treat , mom . So after about a nano - second of that , we stripped him down out of his peapod - ness and he seemed content - ish again . I guess the first Halloween isn 't really for the kids , is it ? I mean , without teeth , what 's the point ? And really , no one 's handing out my breastmilk but me , so going door to door really isn 't an issue yet . Maybe next year . . . At the urging of my bloggosphere BFF , I have rejoined the world o ' the blog . I have much to share . But not tonight . Must go to sleep . Tomorrow I will read up on everyone else 's blogs and then dust off this poor neglected blog and get started again . . . . if anyone 's still reading ! : - ) Yes , I know . I know . I 've neglected you . I 've been ignoring you . I didn 't get a chance to write the 5 month update on October 5th and since then I have felt too guilty to come back . What kind of mother doesn 't find time to recount in writing a recap of her son 's 4th month , when she 's already done the first four ? Sigh . . . tsk , tsk . Bad mommy . So I considered letting the whole thing drop by the wayside and forgetting that I blogged . I mean , I am taking yoga now and baby massage classes and getting out of the house more . Maybe I don 't need to blog anymore . . . . Nah . I dig mah blog . I miss mah blog . And so here I am , internet , hoping that someone still reads this . But then I guess , even if no one does , I do . And maybe someday Ethan will . So that 's good enough for me . OH ! Update - - I 'm semi - famous ( in my own mind . . . ) As I bowed my head and uttered " Namaste " at my last yoga class , I couldn 't help but notice one of the other girls in the class was looking at me funny . I am very self - conscious in yoga , so immediately I assumed that a boob had popped out of my nursing tank top . But the tank was intact and the boobs were concealed ( although that 's no longer a given in my world ) , so I let it go . As I was rolling up my mat , she said , " You 're Sarah , right ? " Ummmmm . . . indeed . " I recognize you from your blog . Forty - five degrees something , right ? " F . r . e . a . k . y . But very cool . I have never been recognized by a stranger for any reason whatsoever in my life , so that was fabulous . And then she said nice things about the blog , which was way better than if she had said , " Yeah , you suck . " So I was happy . I am also nearing the end of my quest for a tolerable Mom 's group , the holy grail of the stay - at - home - mom . Like Amy , I fret and stress when I am going to be in contact with other moms , potentially cool new mommy friends . It is , in some ways , worse than preparing for a blind date , because you REALLY can 't look like you 're trying too hard the way you kind of can on a date . So you dress nice , but not too nice ; you put on makeup , but just a little Posted by . . . is now babbling away contentedly in his swing , chewing on the ends of his crinkly fabric book " Fluffy Chick and Friends " . Yes , it was a year ago today that I stood in the bathroom looking down at the pregnancy test as the second line ever - so - quietly appeared in the first window , sort of a " psssst , hey you . Yeah , you . You 're pregnant , " in the form of two blue lines . It hardly seemed possible . It was only the second month we 'd even considered it and it never occurred to us it could happen so fast ( um , hello , 8th grade health class , dumbasses . . . ) * * * * * excuse me , please - - it 's bed time for the little man . I 'll return to finish when and if he decides to grant me the peace and quiet of sleeping tonight * * * * * * It was the first night of Rosh Hoshannah and instead of attending services like good Jews , we were simply being " Jew - ish " and celebrating the new year with a culinary feast from Whole Foods - - - turkey , potato laktes , noodle kugel , tzimmis ( potatoes , noodles and honey in one meal - - no wonder I packed on 40 pounds . . . ) . While Pedro heated up our feast , I casually announced I was going upstairs to " pee on a stick " . It never occurred to me that the next time I walked down the stairs I would be someone 's mother . But here it is , a year later and I just came down those same stairs after rocking the little man to sleep - - - for the third time tonight ( it is 8 : 24pm . . . God help me ) . I marvel at how life has changed in the past 365 days . What a journey it has been that has brought me to this day . . . . How did I finally come to accept that I have a fabulous case of post partum depression ? Could it have been the fact that I am still wearing clothes two sizes bigger than I should be and have no motivation in my gut to lose the gut ? No . Could it be the fact that I have all but forgotten how to put make up on ? No . Could it have been going out to dinner with two of my pregnant friends recently and realizing as I sat across from them that I was struggling to say something positive about being a mother that day ? No . Could it have been the fact that poor Husband has become a master of walking on eggshells in my presence , never knowing what combination of words is the one that will set me off on a " you don 't think I 'm a good mother " tirade . No . Want to know what made me realize and finally accept that I needed to address this new gloom residing in me ? I wasn 't blogging and I wasn 't reading other peoples ' blogs . Strange that realizing I had essentially stopped blogging would be my * lightbulb * moment , but it was . Blogging is something I started doing for myself when I was first on bedrest - - it saved my sanity from the clutches of boredom , and while I am no Shakespeare , it was fun to tap into my creative energy and occassionally , my sense of humor ( let 's face it , every English teacher is a frustrated novelist ) . It became a part of my identity and my sense of self ; it was a record of my life . But I stopped . I haven 't been too busy . No , I still have a baby sleeping on one of my arms most afternoons for at least an hour ( yeah , the independent napping thing pooped the bed as soon as Ethan got his first cold - - then it was right back on Mommy ) . I have plenty of time to blog . I just don 't . I sit and watch TV . Ugh . And I stopped reading other peoples ' blogs , with a few exceptions . Amy , Becki and KMW still got my daily attention , because we all went through similar pregnancies and because Becki and KMW just had their little miracles ( congrats , girls ! ) . But the blogs I usually read simply for a laugh - - " eh , why bother ? ? " is how I 've been feelinPosted by Years ago , after a devestating breakup , I dragged my weepy ass to a therapist and began the uphill climb out of a mind - numbing depression . Among other things the therapist did to help me untangle the mess that had become my life , she gave me the assignment of joining a yoga class . I was so utterly disconnected from myself and wrapped in a blanket of self - loathing ( if he didn 't love me , how could I possibly be of any worth ? ? ) , she thought enrolling in yoga would , at the very least , force me to concentrate for one hour on something other than the emptiness that consumed me the other 23 hours of the day . I half - heartedly attended a class at my gym . I spent much of the class just hoping I could get into the postures and not fart while I was in them . I definitely rolled my eyes at a lot of the soothing " oommms " and whatnot during the class . I was distracted by the sound of the racquet ball cout adjacent to our " studio " . I certainly didn 't focus on my breathing . Until the end . The last pose , Savasana , the " corpse pose " , isn 't really a pose at all ; it is " simply " lying still on your mat and allowing all your stress to drain away through your breathing . The instructor takes you on a tour of your body , from toes to head , telling you to release the stress from each part of your being . Something inside me broke open in those few minutes of listening to myself breathe . I found myself sobbing as silently as possible as , for the first time in months , maybe even years , I felt , for a moment , a fleeting sense of ME , of who I was . The instructor read a short piece at the front of the room about self - acceptance and I felt the cool tears slide down the sides of my face and into my ears . I went to yoga two times a week for the next four years . I broke free of the depression , eventually I started to feel whole again and got on with my life . * * * * Today I took my son to a Mommy & Me yoga class for the first time . I had signed up for the instructor 's prenatal yoga class and irony of all ironies , was put on bedrest the very day I was to attendPosted by
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Hello ya 'll from Salisbury , North Carolina ! Yup ! I am officially here now with Sister Carter . She 's so great . Transfer meeting was on Tuesday . Sister P was really nervous about becoming a trainer , it is her first time . Before transfer meeting , she 's like " I hate transfer meeting , it 's like the reaping ! " For those of you who have seen the Hunger Games , it 's when they pick one person out of the crowd to go into the hunger games . I was like " Don 't worry , when they call your name I will run up and say " I VOLUNTEER AS TRAINER ! ! " Ha ha . The meeting was really great though , President talked about our potential and what Heavenly Father sees in us . He is always such an inspiring speaker . All of the members here agree and love hearing from him . I got a great welcome from Salisbury : ) It 's a great place . It 's SO country ! Everything is trailer parks and forest and run down houses from the 1800 's as far as the eye can see . SO much different than the wealthy Waxhaw . There are a lot of things that I love about Salisbury . . . is so nice ! The ward is wonderful . There is a family , the Artensen family who used to live in South Jordan . I went to High School with their son and daughter , and Steve knows their younger daughter and I 'm pretty sure Mike knows their older daughter . - The Ward Mission Leader brought us donuts during our studies one morning . He also is kind of goofy and reminds me a lot of John . - We have a set of Elders in our ward ! It 's fun to be serving with another set of missionaries . - At church yesterday , a less active member who hasn 't been to church in years came and asked us if we could teach his 9 year old daughter and wife and help him come back to church . Sweet . We 're going to see them tonight ! - Okay so here one of the members is an expert on Bikes . Turns out my bike has been braking non stop while I have been riding , and the tires have been flatter than they should be . SO all of the times I was biking and thought I was a whimp and out of shape are NOT true . YAY ! I can 't believe I have been riding on it for that long and just thought I was a wimp . At least I haven 't had to ride it too much . I have BUT good thing I got my bike fixed now , because we are in a car share area , so we only have it every other week . - Sister Carter , my new companion took an INSTITUTE CLASS FROM DAD . Weird , right ? She 's from Sandy , and she 's hilarious . I listened to a wonderful talk the other day from Elder Holland from when he was a President at BYU called " The Will of the Father " . It 's great and I think ya 'll should read it . He talks about how the very first thing that Christ tells the people in the Americas is that he has done the Father 's will and been submissive in all things . And one of the very first stories in the Book of Mormon is Nephi being asked to kill Laban . He says it isn 't a coincidence that story is placed so early in the Book of Mormon , but it is there to teach us the importance of obedience to the Fathers will . And in turn , the first thing that Christ will want to know about each of us is how obedient we each have been to what Heavenly Father has asked of us . It 's a great talk , and it really makes you think about where you can follow the Savior more closely . Go read it ! Posted by We got TRANSFER calls this week . President said " Sister Forsyth , we always know you love adventure , are you up for one last change ? " AH . I am getting TRANSFERRED to a new area for my last 6 weeks . I am excited , but it will be strange trying to build relationships with members and people when I know I won 't be there for long >>> But I will try ! missionary from Ukraine who got relocated to Charlotte , and it was interesting to hear from her all of the things that are going on there and what the work was like there . We had a great day of teaching and finding , we had fun and learned a lot from each other . Crissy is doing so great ! She has so much faith and has such a strong desire to be baptized . We taught her twice this week and it 's so neat to teach her , she is just so excited about the gospel and she does her reading , prays , comes to church , and she just loves everything that we teach her . She reminds me of the scripture that says there are people who are kept from the truth , only because they know not where to find it . She 's one of those and now that she has found it she loves it ! I am so sad that I won 't be here for her baptism which is set for the 21 , but I will be able to talk to her on Facebook and keep up with her . We also had dinner with part member family . She has been a member for 17 years , and he has never come to church , but I mentioned a while ago that recently he has been reading and praying every day with his wife , and coming to church alot of the time . It 's amazing to see the change that this can make in people . He 'll take a while , but I know that he 'll join the church one day ! It 's amazing to see the progress in him even since I have been here . We had Zone Meeting we learned a lot about teaching people not lessons , and we had a training on how to ask inspired questions . We read from the Book of Mormon together on how the missionaries asked inspired questions to the people they were teaching and learned a lot . In downtown Waxhaw , there was a little party on Friday night . Actually there were bands playing until like 11 : 00 and we are right next to it so it was hard to sleep . But , we went out contacting people and talked to a lot of people . Also they had nitrogen frozen ice cream , and it was so good ! I don 't know how but it is the best ice cream ever . Ya 'll should try it the next time you see some . I took pictures with some of the great families in Waxhaw and said goodbye yesterday ! There are so many wonderful people I have learned so much from . A lot of what I have learned on my mission is This is our District . And the second is Thelma . Notice how she is in the shade eating a sandwich while we work . . . Hello everyone ! Can you believe it 's June already ! Crazy ! see . This week we had a great district meeting . I really learn alot from our district leader ( even though he is 18 and 4 years younger than me . . don 't ' want to talk about how old that makes me feel ) he is successful and good at motivating and training us on how to do better . And we all went to Sams Club for district lunch after , yum : ) of her to feed us even with her new baby . She served a mission so she is always ready and willing to help us out and feed us . I think I said this before but our ward has a lot of sisters who have served missions , which is wonderful ! And this member 's neighbors came to church for the baby blessing ! Yay for member missionary work ! We helped our neighbor , Thelma this week with more yard - work . She is a hilarious old lady . We talked about what happens at with her about the plan of salvation and she loved it . She really just soaks everything up , does her reading , and I love the opportunity to teach her ! She says everything in her life is starting to make more sense now . She is still working towards her date on June 21 ! Blechhhhhhhh for the past 3 days though I have been in bed with the flu . Fever , sore throat , headache , stomach ache . The works . I haven 't even been sick my whole mission for more than a couple hours until now ! This flu was bad , but I 'm feeling much better and almost back to normal . I was well enough to go to church yesterday . I love fast and testimony meeting , and some of the recent converts bore their testimonies and they are so sweet and a lot of them are struggling with a lot of issues but it 's amazing how when they are planted in the Gospel , they can get through it . We also had dinner with the Bishop and his family , and talked about what we can do to work together . Also they made us homemade ice cream , yum ! ! ! ! ! Fun fact . I accidentally stepped in an ant hill this week , and got bitten all over my foot . Yuck . Well I hope we can pick up the work now that I am feeling better ! I want to work hard with every day that I have left to find more people . I am grateful for this time that I don 't have a care in the world except helping people accept the gospel ! It 's pretty amazing when you think about it . I am not worrying about work , school , bills , dating , gas , nothing . Just helping people receive the gospel ! BUT soon . . I will have to deal with those things , so I am going to enjoy it while I can . As a mission we have all been asked to study the 12 week training again . It 's been so good to get back to the basics , and to practice things , even if I have practiced them a million times before , you can never be perfect at it ! I am really grateful for the Doctrine of Christ and how we can change and get better every day ! No matter what will be transfer calls ! President likes to move people for their last transfer , so we 'll see ! I will let you know next week . And we are going on exchanges tomorrow with the STL 's ! That will be fun . And Zone Meeting Monday we went and played games at the church with other missionaries and then the family that was feeding us was cleaning the church that night , so they brought pizza to the church and we helped them clean ! It was fun . After that we went to the home of an active member family whose less active niece is living with them for the summer and taught her . She was baptized at 8 , but has never really been to church except for now while she 's living with them so she 's basically like an investigator . But she really liked learning about the plan of salvation ! We have had a lot of opportunities to do service this week ! We found out about a service project that a bunch of churches in our community are doing in a few weeks , and we went to talk to the head lady about it . She 's such a nice old lady and she is involved in like 10 different charities . We asked her if there was anything we could do to help her , and she didn 't think we were serious when we said we were really good at vacuuming and would love to help her clean her house . She is one of just like maybe 2 - 3 people who take us seriously when we say that . But she was like well , if you offer , I 'll take you up on it ! YAY SERVICE ! ! ! So we helped her vacuum and dust and clean her house . She was so happy . And while we were serving , she asked what the difference is between our church and other churches and we were able to tell her about the restoration and give her a Book of Mormon ! ! ! And then She actually wasn 't there , so her husband just told us what she wanted us to do , which was pick clovers . They have a bunch of clovers in their yard and they are trying to get rid of them or something ? I don 't know if we actually did much . But it was just me and sister p sitting in the grass for like 2 hours just talking about life and what we are going to do with our lives . And we laughed a lot . Good times . And we helped our neighbor , Thelma again . She doesn 't have a pressure washer , so we just took some brushes and soap and helped scrub her house and her deck . Mostly she just watched us sitting in a chair in the shade and eating her lunch with lemonade and watched us work in the sun . She 's really funny though and we were cracking jokes and she was telling us funny stories from her life . We had interviews with President this week . He asked finish . He said he wants me to work hard , and to " dissapear . " aka , don 't make a big deal about it . Also , I got my sprint papers this week ! Whew ! It 's basically a paper you sign and hang somewhere that is a promise to yourself that you are going to work hard and forget yourself . MIRACLE ! ! ! ! READ THIS ! ! ! ! Okay so on Thursday we were walking home at the very end of the night , and my companion sees someone across the street . She said " CROSS " I was like ok . . so we crossed the street and talked to her . She was so nice . Turns out she just moved here from Idaho . She knew a lot of members , she had been living with a member roommate for 7 years and never was invited to go to church . She always wanted to though , and has already read the Book of Mormon . What a miracle that we met her ! There are so many things that have prepared her in her life . She has had a lot of hardships , and when she came here she viewed it as her new start , her fresh slate . So she is super open to the gospel ! I am so glad that my companion followed the spirit to talk to her . We saw her on Saturday Morning . We talked to her about the restoration , which she already knew about , and believed that it made sense God would call prophets today . She committed to pray about and she came to church yesterday and had a great time ! She is such a wonderful person and we are so grateful to be able to teach her . Yesterday we taught her in a members home and it went well . I definitely to everyone I see because now I see them all as her . Okay so we went from having the best lesson ever on Saturday to having a not so great lesson Saturday night . We were teaching this young man who went to bible school and he is very smart . He doesn 't believe that the Book of Mormon could be true , and isn 't really interested in progressing . He 's so nice though ! He came to church into it . The member was very gracious though , and was trying to find common ground and agree that we both believed that only through Christ we can return to live with God and we can respect each other . I was worried about what the members thought , but they both were fine with it and had the same things happen on their mission . It just happens a little more often in the South . : ) We also had dinner with a less active this week . She 's super nice , she went to BYU for 2 years , but then went to the military , married a non member and hasn 't been active since . They were both really nice and we had a good time . Her husband totally reminds me of John . They weren 't necessarily interested in taking lessons , or having us teach their kids , but we hope to see them again . And yesterday we had dinner with a member who is wonderful . She 's a single lady in her 30 's and she took us out for Chinese food , and she told us all about her dating life and she is hilarious she had us laughing so hard . I am grateful for the opportunity to serve the Lord and I am so grateful for the gospel in my life . I know that it is true ! There is no way a man could have made up the Book of Mormon . I know that have been talking about how much we miss going to the temple . We have made schemes to sneak to Columbia and nobody would know . Ha can you get sent home for going to the temple , really ? But not even our President gets to go , which makes me feel better . But still . I wish we could go at Hello everyone ! Sister P and I are doing great . Life is good in Waxhaw . The weather has been a lot cooler this week too , which we were very grateful for ! ! She grew up in the church and went to BYU for 2 years , then went into the military , married a non member and stopped going . She was nice and friendly to us though , and she invited us to come to dinner this week ! We are going on Wednesday ! We hope that we will be able to start teaching her husband and 2 kids . : ) old companions . OH MY GOODNESS I was so happy to see everyone , and my old companions ! It 's neat to see their growth . My trainee 's have been out for more than a year now ! Proud momma . It was sad though , realizing that this is probably the last time I will see a lot of the missionaries there . It 's not very often you get to see people outside your zone . It was good to get updates on my old areas , what is going on and how people are doing though . FUNNY STORY ! ! Okay we had dinner with a member this week , and her Sister In Law who lives close but not in our ward was there and told us this story . The missionaries in her ward told her and her family to write down the nonmembers they knew of that needed the gospel . She works at home , and doesn 't really know many people . But she likes her mailman . He delivers a lot of things to her , she orders a lot of things online . She says " Well how can I share the gospel with the mailman ? " So she bakes Banana Bread and writes a note in a Restoration Pamphlet and leaves it out for the mailman . On Sunday , a lady comes looking for her . She 's like " ARE YOU MRS . So and so ? DID YOU GIVE THIS PAMPHLET TO MY HUSBAND ? " She thought she would be in trouble . BUT the lady laughs and says " My husband and I are in the other for the mailman ! This weekend there was a festival in downtown Waxhaw . It was a spring festival , with music , art , petting zoo for the kids , lots of food . Yum . We went on Saturday and were walking around talking with people . We saw these 3 punk looking teenagers outside of the library . I was asked to give a talk in church on Sunday , so we talked to them and invited them to come to church and come to my talk . We didn 't think anything of it . BUT lo an behold . . one of them CAME . We were really surprised ! We were in the back of the chapel , talking to members and were like " Oh my goodness , is that the kid we saw at the festival yesterday ? " That was exciting . He came to sacrament meeting , the talks were all investigator friendly , I gave a talk from President Monson 's address the last general conference . BUT the lesson in Gospel Principles was about Priesthood Organization . Ya . Not investigator friendly . We hadn 't taught him anything about the restoration , Christ 's church , nothing and they were talking about the responsibilities of high councilmen , patriarchal blessings , what the 70 do and I was like oh no . But he said he enjoyed church and we are meeting with him to actually start teaching him tomorrow . So that will be great ! Oh and on Saturday Night remember the really wealthy Stake President ? Well his son got married on Saturday and we were asked to help with the reception at his house on Saturday night . We were on food crew , making sandwiches , refilling stuff , collecting garbage , we also helped with the decorations , It was so fun ! Weird to be at a reception . Really weird . But it 's fun to serve in a different way ! And the reception was gorgeous and something that I will never be able to afford so it was nice to see : ) Yesterday we had lunch with the RS president . It was the less actives in the ward . BUT yesterday we were out finding in a neighborhood on the way back and we met a crazy old lady who was really funny . We talked to her for a minute about the restoration , and how God has called a prophet today , she was like " WOW ! Does the President know about this ? The President needs to know . " Anyway I can 't even describe it , but she was crazy and old and hilarious . I know that the Gospel is true ! I am glad that my family can be together forever . OYM # Open your mouth ! ! We did service at a Less Active 's house , she has a big garden with lots of work to do . We helped her thin her monkey grass and it was pretty intense work in the hot sun with lots of shoveling . But it I was so excited that Landon remembered me ! ! ! We had dinner with the Bishop after , Skype . His son is in Chile on his mission , and they were all pretty excited to talk to him . We had a good talk with Bishop about how we can work with the ward and how we can help them do missionary work . How do you help people have a desire to share the gospel with their friends and family ? I think a lot of people here are just so wealthy and well off , they probably go to a church and probably read the scriptures and pray everyday . . what else to they need ? What are they missing ? But it 's not that they are missing anything but that they don 't have every blessing they could . It 's hard to describe someone who has the gospel in their life that they don 't have the fullness . . . We had so much chocolate yesterday . The Bishopric brought chocolates for all of the women at church , and the Stake President 's wife brought donuts and more chocolate for all of the relief society . . and we had an Oreo cream pie after dinner . . sugared out . Tonight we have dinner with the Stake President ! I can 't even describe how nice his house is to you . It 's amazing . The people here are very wealthy . It 's intimidating sometimes . All of my clothes are from the DI . . . . he hasn 't really told us what it 's about but wants to train us on something . So we will see . And Zone Activity today ! Woot ! Love being able to have fun with other missionaries . I know that the Book of Mormon is true ! Keep reading it ! How can anyone who had read it deny that it is from Heavenly Father , and NOT just made up from someone 's head ! If more people would just read it they would be able to understand that . Posted by Hello everyone ! Apparently there was a tornado in Charlotte this week ? I haven 't heard much about it though , and it wasn 't where I am so no worries ! This week I got Steven 's chocolate he sent me from Sweden . YUM >>>> He does get the best little brother award . This week we had a lot of great experiences - We had lunch with my trainer and her parents who were visiting the mission . WEIRDEST thing ever . She was wearing pants and she didn 't even let me back her out when she was driving . So strange . She told us some stories of her post mission awkwardness and told us what the missionaries who have gone home that she has hungout with are REALLY like . It was pretty funny . We had a good time . - One of our members goes to a " neighborhood spiritual group " and she invited them to listen to us ! So neat ! We had lunch and talked with 4 ladies all about the church and what we believed . They didn 't actually ask that many weird questions , but some of them didn 't even know we were Christian ! It 's so weird . I don 't know how people get that idea . One of them was really excited and loved the story of the restoration and was so excited to read the Book of Mormon . The others were just quietly sitting and listening to learn , but she was actually excited . She talked to us for a while after , and I think she will let us teach her more ! They asked questions about " well if I don 't believe what you believe am I going to hell then ? " and asked all about salvation and what it means . BUT I knew the one got it when at the end she said " Ok , so you are not trying to get everyone to be Mormon , but to help people be like Christ . " YESSSSSSS . - We went out to dinner with a member who brought a neighbor who we are going to start teaching . She 's so sweet . They have been good friends for a while and she has been to church and learned a lot from her friend , but never has read the Book of Mormon or taken the discussions . Why ? I don 't even know . BUT she 's open , and she even takes her daughter to achievement days , TAUGHT achievement days when the member was out of town , and she volunteered to help clean the church on Saturday . We are going back to teach her tomorrow . - We had a day of service this week which was neat . The community is building a park and we all ( the ward and people in the community ) went and helped clean the land on Saturday afternoon . Some le - Yesterday we had a lesson on missionary work in Relief Society . It was different being a missionary sitting in on this lesson , but it 's great to hear the fears of the members and understand what their fears really are so that we can help them overcome their fears . BUT at the same time I had to restrain myself from wanting to just take over the lesson and say " GET OVER YOUR FEARS AND DO IT ! ! " But that 's not what Christ would do : ) I know that the Book of Mormon is true ! It really does come down to that . if the Book of Mormon is true , the church is true . If it 's not , it 's not . It 's that simple . Posted by Okay first of all all of you who are not on missions should go listen to the song " 22 " by Taylor Swift right now because I don 't know about you , but I ' M FEELIN 22 ! ! Sister Perez decorated the cake Mom sent me in the mail and put up the signs . . and a great member took us out to breakfast this morning . . and we are going to have a Zone Activity playing games at a park this afternoon . . so it 's going to be a great birthday ! I love being with other missionaries ! It 's the best ! This week has been great . So a few weeks ago we had a media referral for a man who ordered a bible off of LDS . org . We went and brought it to him with a member and taught him about the restoration . He had surgery after and wasn 't able to meet with us . We hadn 't heard from his in a few weeks , and we had dinner with someone in that area so we stopped by . We were walking down the street and talked to a kid and we asked him his name and he said the name of our investigator . Turns out it was his son , and he came home as we were talking , we taught them both . We taught them both . It is a mom and dad and 2 kids . The Dad and one of the kids came to church on Sunday and they are so great . I think they had a great experience at church and they seemed to like it . Our WML talked to them after and they wanted to come back . Pray that they 'll keep progressing ! The Duncan family ! So we also taught our Nigerian friend . We went and taught him and his mother in law was there , she was not that interested and not that happy that we were there . BUT at the end we also got to meet his wonderful family , he has a wife who is probably in her 40 's but looks like she 's 16 . It 's crazy . And they have like 5 kids and they are so great ! ! ! ! We are hoping to start to teach the whole family . They are devout 7th Day Adventists . The Dad said he would start reading the Book of Mormon , now we clarified that Joseph Smith DID NOT write it , and that we also believe in the Bible . They are so NICE >>> love this family . FUNNY MOMENT : We did our service at the nursing home , I love going there and talking to people . It was so funny , my companion and I talked to this old lady in the lounge and she was like " Do you have boyfriends ? Why NOT ! You are pretty ! You should get one ! ! ! " There is also this old lady who lives there , but she thinks she works there , and she was like " I can help you get a job here , I work here and I love it ! " Ha . Saturday was a long day . . it was car fast , so we were walking alot . . and it was pouring rain all day . . and we only had 1 appointment . . so we walked there , it was like 2 miles in the pouring rain and stayed around there for a while . . came back and dried our coats in the dryer . . went back out for a few hours , dried our coats in the dryer again . We had dinner with a great member family though , who made yummy enchiladas and we did Easter Eggs after dinner ! SO fun ! Easter Sunday was great , great speakers . Our recent convert and her husband weren 't there . . they were sick again this week . After church we taught the restoration to a family we didn 't know very well and it was great . I love teaching members . We had a family have us over for Easter Dinner who had like 3 different families over ! It was crazy busy and loud but it was fun ! Felt right at home . They sent us home with a LOT of leftovers though too . We will be eating them for a while . We also went to our old lady neighbors house and shared the BJenny Forsyth great week this week . Last Monday we met with some missionaries at the gym and the Elders made a course with the chairs and tables for a nerf war . Ha I felt right at home . It was pretty funny . I love playing sports night we had dinner with a great family . THEY FEED US SO MUCH >>> and it 's always SO good . After dinner , we went and visited with a man who was a returned missionary who served in the Philippines . He was nice to us , but just " wasn 't interested in the doctrine and thought talking to him was a waste of time " . It is sad how people who have returned from missions can let Satan have so much of an influence on them . But it happens ! Tuesday to Wednesday we went on EXCHANGES ! ! We went with the Sharon Sisters . They are so great . I went to Sharon . It was pretty funny , the one that I went on exchanges with was my sister training leader , and 5 months earlier to the day we went on exchanges and I was HER sister training leader . It was interesting role reversal . But I definitely learned a lot from her and she is a great missionary ! She 's also the one that I want Steve to marry . We also went to lunch at Panara before the exchange . YUM . We talked alot the whole time about how much we have learned and how we will be different when we go home and life in general . Loved it . I love my companion , but sometimes it 's just refreshing to be in a different area with someone else for a change ! I LOVE exchanges , and I miss doing them all of the time . Thursday we had Zone Conference . I always love Zone Conferences . They are amazing . The Assistants gave a great training about using scriptures while we are teaching . We all came up with questions we get regularly , and split up into groups and came up with scriptures we could use to answer them , and role played doing that . It was great . Then Sister C gave a great training on how important our bodies are and how we really need to take care of them and eat healthy , get enough rest , exercise hard in the mornings . Good reminder . I sang in a group at zone conference , 3 sisters and 2 elders . We sang " Nearer my God to thee . " Elder Burrup was one of them . Mom you should tell his Mom that we are in the same zone and see each other all of the time . She 'd get a kick out of it . That night after dinner we went around the neighborhood , and found a guy from Nigeria ! He was so funny . We hope to teach him again soon . He said he knew a little about our church , but he wanted to read the Book of Mormon and learn more . Sweet ! It was crazy , this one street we found someone from nigeria , isreal , and india all on the same street . morning I LOCKED US OUT OF THE HOUSE >>>>>>>> whoops ! ! ! We went running and I thought I had the key . . but turns out I didn 't . The keys and the phone were inside the house and it was 6 : 45 am . to try a few different numbers before we got the right one , we went to the gas station across the street and they let us use their phone . Ha . We only had to wait about 1 / 2 hour and our landlord came to the rescue . YAY ! ! ! we helped our neighboor Thelma with her yard . We raked and weeded her garden . She 's nice and super funny . Two of the other neighbors on the street were also out doing yardwork and we talked to them . There is one family on our street that seems really nice that we want to start teaching ! Hopefully soon . We did introduce ourselves to everyone on the street , because we actually live in a HOUSE not an apartment ( which is strange ) . So remember that part member family where the wife REALLY REALLY wants him to be a member ? And he came to church to hear her talk and it was the first time he 'd ever ever been ? Well we had dinner with them on Saturday and HE CAME TO CHURCH AGAIN ! ! It was a miracle . We didn 't even ask him to or think he would ever com e again , at least anytime soon . BUT apparently the Bishop went over and talked to him and invited him to come with his wife every week . Members are the best . Our recent converts leaders house and we had some home teaching companion ships come over . We talked about each of their families they visit . If they were active , we talked about how we can get referrals , if they are part members , how we can fellowship and teach the non member , if they are less active , how get them at all , so we wanted to coordinate the missionaries , home teachers , and priesthood leaders efforts . It was great , and we made a lot of great plans . And last night we went and found a former investigator we had one our records and taught him . Basically he had a lot of anti information that he had run into when he was learning about the church from his bible school . BUT we testified of the Book of Mormon . We don 't have to answer every question , like PMG says , everyone just has to decide for themselves whether the Book of Mormon is from god or if it is we invited him to do that ! Love the Book of Mormon ! This weeks Christlike attribute is obedience . Study it and tell me what you think ! HAPPY EASTER ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! SHARE THE # becauseofHim video on mormon . org . I LOVE it . We are going to share it with everyone this week , and get all of our members to share it too . I told the Zone Leaders we have to do our zone activity next Monday for my BIRTHDAY . So I 'll be hanging out probably at the Stake Center with everyone in the Zone ! Playing volleyball and ultimate ball = FUN : ) Posted by Hello everyone ! HAPPY GENERAL CONFERENCE ! LOVE IT ! This week we have had dinner with some wonderful members . This ward has been really great at feeding us . Other wards in the mission are NOT and I am grateful for it . They are really wonderful . One of my FAVORITE families found out this week they are moving to Utah , and they are possibly going to SOUTH JORDAN and I was so excited ! ! Ya 'll will love them ! ! ! ! :) : ) Highlights of the Week : Tuesday we did our service time at a retirement home . We just to visit with and sing to people who don 't get visits . It is wonderful . I love seeing them and helping them to smile : ) And we are still working on the nurses slowly but surely . Tuesday we did an activity with the Young Womens . It went really well . We had them split up into different groups and we had objects for each of the missionary lessons , the cups for the restoration , the plan of salvation map , and a drawing of the gospel of Jesus Christ ( by the way . . before my mission I don 't think I knew that the Gospel of Jesus Christ / Doctrine of Christ is the first principles and ordinances of the gospel . Why do you think that people don 't teach that much ? Maybe they did and I just missed it . . ) Then we role played with them inviting people to General Conference , an FHE , or a church activity . I think they really liked it . We made cards with the information to General Conference on it and invited a LOT of people to watch this week . So we did see our Recent Converts husband . . he didn 't get his papers to leave the country so he IS staying here for at least another week and a half . We went with the home teacher to visit / teach them both . I think that going to church really helped him open up to the gospel . And I think it was great having the home teacher there because her husband is a military man , and I think he needs a man to man , an authority figure to relate to . They both did watch General Conference , but we haven 't been able to teach him much because they were also sick this weekend . We hope to teach him at least a little more be - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Russia Behind the Headlines has run an article on official Soviet interest in UFOs featuring comments by Vasily Yeremeko , a retired major general and KGB official . According to him , not only did the Soviet government investigate UFOs they also ran experiments to attempt to summon them . You can find the full article with the link below . Last weekend was the annual Ozark UFO Conference and , according to local news reports , it was so successful that new conferences may need to find a larger venue . The Eureka Springs conference featured Ted Phillips , Jaime Maussan , LInda Moulton Howe and more . Read the local news coverage through the link below . Scientists applying Monroe 's Law , which describes the development of computer complexity , to living organisms have surmised that life is older than the Earth itself . This is conclusion makes a number of assumptions , of course , but it is an interesting hypothesis that could be used to support theories such as Panspermia and even , possibly , that life of Earth was created or manipulated by some external intelligence . Learn more about the calculations through the link below . Researchers have discovered a mysterious circular stone structure in the Sea of Galilee , with a diameter about twice the size of Stonehenge and a height of about 32 feet . It appears that the structure is simply a mound of basalt , basically a large pile , but does not appear to be natural and may be approximately 4000 years old . Read more about it through the link below . Since I know our listeners are technically inclined enough to hear us , I 'll assume there are a good deal of iPads , Kindles and other e - readers in their possession . One of my favorite Internet resources , ManyBooks . net , is a downloadable collection of public domain books in multiple formats . Among its offerings is Donald Keyhoe 's classic Flying Saucers Are Real . You can find it through the link in our show notes . Martin , I know you are kept busy reading all of the books written by Podcast UFO guests , but I was wondering if you think these older books have any place in modern UFOlogy ? Chase : Yeah . Mostly , I was with MUFON http : / / mufon . com / for most of that time . I was with them until 2011 , and , you know , during that time I - sometimes a magazine subscriber , the way it 's set up . I 'd always been a field investigator , and a field investigator trainee way back when Walt Andrus http : / / www . paradigmresearchgroup . org / Hall % 20of % 20Fame / Andrus _ Walter . htm was the international director , but my husband 's active duty - we move around a lot , so , you know , when you 're in Guam , and some of the states that didn 't have active MUFON presence , that was mostly when I just had the opportunity to get the journal , but for most of it I was a , you know , just a field investigator , which we all know is the heart and soul of MUFON , and , you know , so that 's where I , kind of , honed in a lot of my outside training , certified legal investigator , private investigator in the state of Virginia , and , you know , so I just , kind of , honed all these skills in , including a lot of the training mentality that I had with The Department Of Defense , is easily segued into how to organize complicated and sensitive cases , so I just started developing my own style out there , in the field , eventually worked my way up to Deputy Director Of Investigations , and STAR Team Manager , and that was , honestly , the best job I ever had . It was awesome to be able to work with the most experienced MUFON investigators that they had , so it was a good time , and , you know , but then that ended , and I went independent , and , as much as I love my job , and tenure with MUFON , I have to say that I 'm much happier as an independent investigator . Chase : - do - I sit on a panel with Above Top Secret http : / / www . abovetopsecret . com / live on Saturday nights , and I also sit on a show with Richard Dolan , http : / / www . keyholepublishing . com / kp1 / Peter Robbins , http : / / www . ufoevidence . org / Researchers / Detail69 . htm Mack Maloney , http : / / www . mackmaloney . com / and Race Hobbs , and that 's called Encounters , http : / / www . kgraradio . com / portfolio - view / encounters / and that 's only once a month , but I 'm still very active investigations . I 'll never give that up . That is , really , my passion in UFOlogy . I do some Bigfoot hunting , and paranormal investigations , but that 's more , you know , in the realm of the radio shows and the information we 're getting out . There 's a lot of things happening in those fields , as well , and I believe a lot of those skills absolutely intermingle , although most of us do not like to mix our sciences , do we ? Martin : Sometimes people say that all these things are connected , you know . I mean , that 's one of the theories I hear , out there . Have you ever heard that ? Chase : I have . It 's a very common statement and theory , out there . My experience is - is that there are 3 different types of phenomena , but as an investigator with UFOs it 's very easy to , kind of , join in a Bigfoot . You know , you bring those forensic skills with you . You bring , you know , interviewing , things that you would take as an investigator , and - but I had to learn how to deal with the woods . You know , this little girl from Rhode Island being out in the woods in rural Tennessee had a lot of learning to do , so I don 't call myself a cryptozoologist . I find - I consider myself very new in that field of looking for cryptids , or unknown beings , and I 've only been doing that about 3 years , but because it 's not something I do full - time , like I did for 18 years with UFOlogy , you know , I don 't consider myself any kind of expert . I 'm a novice in cryptos . I 've been doing paranormal investigations since 2000 . Again , my forte , and my biggest interest , is UFOlogy . Chase : Yes ! If they , you know , there 's a lot of these issues , and , you know , much like in UFO investigations it has its own criteria of counter - indications meaning , you know , there 's dangers . You know , you wouldn 't run up to a reported crashed UFO without having some sort of measurement detection with you for radiation , or , you know , any kind of , what we call , an NDC Situation , which is nuclear , biological , or chemical , whereas in cryptid investigation , or a Bigfoot hunt , you know , yeah , you 're looking out for spiders , and tick , and boars , and , you know , creepy things at night . Chase : It is , and , you know , we know with the Cash - Landrum Case http : / / science . howstuffworks . com / space / aliens - ufos / cash - landrum - ufo - incident . htm down in Texas , and , you know , it 's very prominent , and we 've had researchers and investigators get very sick , even lose their lives over , kind of , exposures , lot of witnesses , so we 've learned , as investigators , you know , not to , you know , take these little hazmat suits . It 's a much bigger dilemma , right now , because we also have , after 9 / 11 , all The Homeland Security , and The Patriot Act , and , you know , so , now , even if we did protect ourselves , which you really can 't do in the field , and I could explain that in just a moment , but as we 're walking up you could never be in possession of material that was contaminated with any of these components , and be legal , or could transport it , or send it anywhere . The dangers of it are just beyond comprehension , as well as the state , local , and federal laws against it . You get caught with something like that it 's , now , you know , you find yourself in some little room at Gitmo , or something . Chase : You know , the stakes are much higher , and when you think , also , that a lot of our UFO - type sightings are also our stuff , it 's military secret craft , or designs , or testing materials , you 're really playing with fire , so we have to be very careful . The other issue is some of these organizations still teach how to be in a hazmat suit . I find that absolutely ridiculous , because , you know , you put this on , you go out , you protect yourself , you get the material , but , now , the question is : how do you take that suit off and not cross - comtaminate , or still get sick ? You know , where 's the decontamination ? There 's , just , all these big issues that we now understand , so it 's different . My advice is always if you 're getting any kind of NBC readings is : you get to a safe place , and then you just start photographing the vehicles , the type of personnel that shows up , how long they 're there , what kind of , you know , what kind of activity is happening at that site , but , you know , even UFO evidence is never enough to risk your life . You know , I 'm still a mom , a wife , you know , a friend , a colleague , and there 's bigger things to do than that little piece . Chase : - yeah , to an experience where we , kind of , experienced a high - minded fear that was unlike anything I 've ever - it 's like every cell in your body is on fire and fear , and we all turned to run at the same time , and , as we 're running , the witness stops cold , and , Martin , we 're running , like , we 're hauling . We are all out , and he stops dead . I hit him so hard . I just remembered the impact being shocking , how hard I hit him , and he stopped , and he had a flashlight , and he turned his hand , and about 6 feet away from us was this little 3 - and - a - half - foot being just standing there , and it was so shocking because we didn 't suspect it , hear it , see it , you know , there was no reason for , you know , it to just be there , let alone so close , and - but it was one of those evenings where it was just one thing after another , and then another profound case was actually a paranormal event , and I was called in - she was a elderly lady , married for 60 years , her husband recently passed away , and she was just terrified at night , so , of course , we 're profiling the details of the case . We 're profiling , you know , what the witness statements are , so I 'm going in thinking : you know , this , you know , elderly lady alone for the first time in her whole life , and she 's scared , you know , so we were going to go in and do this paranormal investigation , because she felt like when she was sleeping , or relaxing at night watching TV , she was just always scared , and seeing things out of the corner of her eyes , and , you know , just really had this sense , and she was horrified because she just knew her husband wouldn 't scare her like that , so she really needed our help , and we get in there , and , to make a long investigation short , it really was a new home , and she had this great big double - wide refrigerator , and the couch was on the other side of the wall . What we saw was high emf every time that refrigerator would turn on , and that 's exactly where she would watch TV . We also discovered , in her bedroom , shMartin : Oh , yes . Chase : Yeah , and , you know , and she , of course , being elderly , had all sorts of medical equipment , oxygen , things like that , hooked up , so the emf was almost a fear cage in both of those places . I went ahead and reviewed the evidence , but I was so pleased to tell her that it was , actually , a very natural phenomena , but there was - and we , actually , helped her rearrange her furniture . We took some of her things that were all plugged into these 2 little strips , scattered them around the room , removed a few things that she didn 't need , anymore , that was still plugged in , and the best thing that ever happened was her calling saying for the first time in a long time she slept very well , and was so thankful to have it verified that her husband was not doing this to her , and scaring her or coming back , and that she was very at peace with everything , so , even though it wasn 't paranormal , it 's very significant , kind of , in my case file in my head as , you know , just what a good thing that can come out of these . Martin : Yeah , so you actually helped someone . That 's a great story . I want to go back to the triangle , though , ' cause this is exciting , that story . When it went right over you can you describe it ? Was there no sound , first of all , and did it have , like , the glowing lights ? Chase : It did . It was something that the witness was reporting , but never got really specific until the end . I had been in contact with this witness a couple weeks , and he was reporting activity , and it just got to the point where he just said : those triangles are back , and it was the first time he said : triangle , so , obviously , you know , I 've got my go bag , and I 'm out the door , and I 'm at his house , and it started with these dancing lights in the sky , and they would just , kind of , pop up , and it 's - when I say dancing there was these groups of lights that would come together , you know , form circles , or , you know , just , kind of , be together , and then , all of a sudden , they 'd break off , and they 'd taken these 90 - degree angle turns , and just all over and - Chase : Yes , we did , and we came back with almost 700 photos of , you know , unfortunately , lights in the sky , you know , but we did . We did capture . We got a few good ones where the analysts are , like , you know , these are great , you know , you definitely captured what you 're describing . The problem is , again , they 're lights in the sky , and we have a million of those , so the witness , at one point , had mentioned that we should go down to a corn field that he owned . It was about a hundred ares . This was in the spring , in Tennessee , and the corn was just , you know , a couple inches high , so it was real pliable , we could drive on it , walk on it , so that 's what we did . We go out in the corn field , and it wasn 't too long before - and we 're watching the lights , and they 're all over the place . I mean , if you 're bored with the ones on the right look over to your left in the sky in - Chase : - the horizon , and there 's a group , there , and then , all of a sudden , he says : here it comes . This is what I 'm talking about , and I had another investigator with me . There were 7 people that witnessed these events , and I look up , and , Martin , here comes this light , and , sure enough , it 's moving , and , you know , of course , I 'm on my usual suspects list looking for the , you know , aircraft , satellites , all this stuff , and it 's coming closer , and then , pretty soon , you see the 2 in the back , and it hits me : oh , my gosh ! This is that triangle . Well , at this point , you know , I have all my equipment out . I 'm looking for any kind of emf - type readings , radio signals , electric , anything , so I 'm getting my Trifield meter out , and this is coming closer , and it 's one of those , Martin , where you don 't want to take your eyes off it , because it 's huge , and when you see a craft like this , and people tell you : I know it 's not ours , I know exactly what they 're talking about . It moves in a way that , if this is our technology , and we are active in mega - engineering and construction , oh my gosh ! The disservice to the public is beyond belief , but this is what I saw . It was just huge , huge , and it was completely silent , it comes right over our heads , it never changes speed , direction , altitude , it is the weirdest thing ever , the way it moves . It 's very difficult to describe . Chase : It really was , and we were so excited , Martin , because , one , it was my first time I 've ever saw something that I , honestly , could say : that 's not ours ; I don 't believe that 's ours ; I can 't explain this , and we were very excited , and I 'm looking at the other investigator , you know , she 's looking at me , her mouth is hanging open , and we 're just , like , really ? Like , oh my god ! And we - I 'm very frustrated , at this point , because , of course , we 're trying to shoot video , we had 4 separate cameras , different makes and models , we 're trying to get any evidence of this . Everything fails . Nothing is working . Nothing . Chase : Yeah , and , you know , it 's really important to start out , with this one , as saying that when we pick up this witness he - this is his hometown . He was born and raised 1 mile from this area . This is his backyard , and when we first got there he pulls out this big shotgun . You know , Martin , I 'm five one , 98 pounds , and , you know , just 2 girls out in the middle of the woods of , you know , Tennessee with a complete stranger . He pulls out this shotgun , and , apparently , the look on my face - he 's like : oh , no , no , no . I 'm not a serial killer . I 'm good . He said : but we get a lot of coyotes in this area , and this is to protect us , and it 's , kind of , important , ' cause at that moment I realized - later , you know , this is a very defining moment , because this is a man who was not prepared to run . This is not a man who 's afraid of this area . He brought a shotgun , because if we had encountered a pack of coyotes he 's just going to shoot them , ' cause that 's what they do . We weren 't going to jump in the truck , or , you know , so it was right after the triangle left , and I had decided to change the batteries in my equipment , although everything was back on and looked good , just as a safety precaution , and I 'm , kind of , fiddling with my Trifield , and , all of a sudden , I just remember saying to everybody - I 'm like : does anyone else feel like you 're being watched ? And I said : and I don 't mean from up there , but , like , down here ? And , just a few short seconds after I said that , Martin , it 's like this fear just gripped me . Chase : It wasn 't even like fight or flight . I have felt that , before . Most people my age have had , at least , one experience in their life where they know that instant panic , instant fear . Times that by a hundred . I , honestly , just every cell in my body was screaming , and I remember turning , and , as I did , I watched everybody else turn into the exact same direction , and we all just started running . Chase : Yes . Yes , this is right - not too long after the triangle had left , and , you know , and , remember , we saw the dancing lights before this , so this is something we 're , again , we 're just running . The witness stops . He swings a flashlight . He actually says : what the eff is that ? And turns his flashlight , and it lands straight on this being , and - Chase : - I call it - yeah , I call it : The One Second . It was just one second , because , honestly , Martin , that 's all we saw it for . Really , in the time it takes to say : one , one thousand , two that was it . We 're gone . I mean , both of us just started running , again , and everybody went to the truck . Everybody was piling in . He had a great big , like , monster truck . It was really difficult to get in , because the wheels were so high , you know , you need help to get in there , but , you know , that 's something that , believe it or not , that one second changed so much , and stays with me to this day . Chase : It was about 3 - and - a - half - foot tall . I remember 2 things more clearly than everything else , and that is : my first thought is : oh , my gosh . His legs are too little . It - for the body , I just remember his legs were the first things that I saw , and stood out , and they were so twig - like . It was , literally , like trying to put , you know , like a tall kitchen can on little , very thin twigs you get off a tree . It was bizarre , because it struck me - they were so frail , and the second thought I remember happening is : oh , my god . It 's not the cute little Roswell http : / / alien - ufo - research . com / Roswell / Grey http : / / www . thetruthbehindthescenes . org / 2010 / 09 / 30 / grey - aliens - where - are - they - from / - Chase : - and that 's not what it looked like , at all . The other thing that was very clear is : this place is dark . I mean , you know , we 're out in the boonies , we 're out in the woods , there 's not a lot of lights even lighting up that you see in a city off in the distance , very , very dark . The only thing we had was a flashlight . To go from that darkness , and that flashlight , just BAM ! on the face of that being , it didn 't flinch . I never saw a hint of any kind of movement , whatsoever , or acknowledgement . It was almost mechanical , except what I saw looked very biological , you know , and you know how you hear reports , I have , about liquid eyes , and , you know , the big , almond shape that 's - you know , I didn 't see that . I saw very mechanical - like , just nothing , and , you know , we all left , got in his truck , and , honestly , Martin , we left that cornfield so fast we took air . That 's no joke . You know , looking back on it we still laugh at our comic , you know , exit . I mean , how crazy is this ? And , then , the further away we got , the more reality started coming back , the more we felt like ourselves , and the first thing that really surprised me is : why the heck did we run ? Like , what are we doing ? And then the fear is , kind of , dwindling away . We get into his driveway . The other investigator starts calling our state director , because we were with MUFON at the time , and reporting top him , because we needed not to talk about this , because , now , the investigators just became witnesses , and we had to bring in a third person to keep this legit , and I just remember , you know , the witness coming up to me , and , honestly , Martin , the first thing he did was , you know , he , kind of , dropped on a knee , and he was very clearly shaken up and emotional , and he was , you know : thank you so much , Chase . Thank you for coming out , and , you know , he was - he 's , like , you saw that , right ? Chase : Yes . Yes , and I realized we were the unbiased witnesses that he desperately needed . In other words , I wasn 't his wife saying : oh , yeah , honey . I saw that , too . You 're okay , you know ? We were , to him , the validation he was desperate for , so that he 's not crazy . Chase : Nope , we haven 't drawn it , yet . If you knew my art skills you 'd know why , but we have gone on the internet , and , you know , identified it , since . We were very descriptive in our report . A lot of this , you know , the state director was right out there the next day . We were all interviewed separately . It was a good case . It 's a good , solid case , start to finish , and , honestly , you know , like I said , the witness , but there was something he said , Martin , because he came back and he said - when he was still , you know , kind of like : oh , my gosh ! You saw that , and , you know , what he said to me was : what do they want ? And , to this day , I 'm still struck by the feeling I had when he said they , because I saw one , he saw one , but , to me , it was a indicator that he has seen more than just this evening . Chase : I am still in contact with the witness . I 'm the only one still in contact with the witness . I 'm actually the only one , really , that was in that cornfield that still talks about it . We went back the next day . Of course , there was this big investigation . We were all interviewed separately . A couple more events did happen , you know , just lights - in - the - sky - type events , and the chief investigator , in Tennessee , came out , maybe , a couple weeks later . I was up there running more interviews , and , honestly , what happened , Martin , is this witness , and his cousins , and his brothers , started going out every night . They 're obsessed by this . They 're chasing these lighted balls in the woods , and it was about 3 weeks after this big event that we were part of that the wife , who is very , very sweet , very supportive , and cooperative , at this point , pulls me aside , and , of course , asks me if I 'm a wife and mother . Yes . The answer 's yes , and , you know , she clearly just said : Chase I just so appreciate everything you 've done . You 've done a lot for my family , but I have 2 questions . Can you tell me exactly what this is , and what 's going on ? Martin , I was struck , because no . I can 't tell her : yeah , that 's a triangle from , you know , The Orion , or Sagittarius - you know , it 's just crazy , and then she said : can you stop it ? Chase : And , of course , my answer was no , and she said : please don 't take this personal , Chase , but I need to get my family back to normal . I need to get my family back on track . My husband is obsessed , and my children are scared , and she said : I don 't want to see you back here , anymore . I don 't want you to contact me and my family for , at least , a couple , you know , couple months . She says : I understand that , you know , my husband 's going to want to stay in touch , and that 's fine , absolutely , but this circus thing that you promised wasn 't going to happen ends now , and we 're done , and I want to control my family , and , you know , Martin , that 's exactly what I would have done . At a certain point - Chase : - you need to do what 's best for your family , and this - and although there was things still happening , you know , she had the right . They , still , have not released any confidentiality . The other investigator that was with me , at the time , you know , left MUFON , left UFOlogy , dropped Facebook , you know , left her home , and just went off , and all the other witnesses have just - they 're done with it . They don 't want to talk about it , anymore , and , other than a few text messages - it seems to be about every 6 to 8 weeks I 'll text with the witness , and I always let him send that , first , but it 's always like : hey , Chase . Just making sure it 's your same number , and , you know , you 're still there , and , you know , just wanted to say hi , and , you know , things are good , and I just send one back saying : yep . This is still my number . If you need anything give me a call . Everything 's great , here , too , and that 's where it 's come down to , now . Martin : Wow ! When I was starting to talk to you , and asked you about your most profound case , I wasn 't expecting that , at all , one of the most amazing stories that I 've heard , and I think that our listeners will hear on this podcast , so far , so thanks , so much , for sharing that . I really appreciate it . Chase : Well , you 're welcome , and it 's important to know that , you know , to this day , one thing is : we didn 't run from an alien . We had no idea anything was there . Two : I 've never called it an alien . To be perfectly honest with you , Martin , it 's still something I 'm investigating , because so much happened in that cornfield , and , being an investigator since ' 94 , I , kind of , know how this works . Nobody gets everything in one night , and I 'm the first one to say : bullcrap ! What was going on ? I still wonder if this was some sort of , you know , military experiment , or government interference , or , you know , maybe it was extraterrestrial . The case is ongoing , and I have made no conclusions , because I 'm the first one to say : what the heck ? Really ? Come on , so , you know , it 's still one of those , and all I can do is be very honest about what happened , out there , and , you know , leave it open , and I still have people contacting me with information relative to the area , you know , experiences they 've had , similar , and that 's , kind of , where it is , now , just , kind of , sharing within the community , but I had to put it out there . Martin : We have a person on the forum that is a amateur astronomer , and was always , very much , a skeptic , as far as UFOs go . He was out with his telescope , one night , and a huge black triangle flew over him . He 's never been the same . He 'll be interested to hear your story , as well . Chase : And , you know , he 's probably like me where you hear the stories about the black triangles , and , you know , you also see the resemblance with our military craft . You know , we 've all , you know , seen the things that we have , now , in the sky that are very similar . See one of these - not even close , and the way they move , you know , and they 're so big , Martin , that , you know , if we were actively involved in mega - engineering , and major mega - construction , which we should be , by the way , building these big space stations , and bio - domes , and things like this , but we 're just not , and I 'll be very surprised , shocked , if this technology is available to us , right now , and , of course , I absolutely believe that the cover - up has everything to do with propulsion , free energy , you know , some of the things that would benefit humanity , greatly , but put us in control of our own lives . Martin : That would really shake up a lot of things . You know , I don 't want to get too far off track , here , but just thinking about what would actually happen to society if , all of a sudden , there was free energy . The oil companies , for one , would fight , tooth and claw , wage war over anything like this , for one , possibly the government , as well , I imagine , so I think it would be a shame if it 's out there and suppressed , but I can 't imagine it happening any other way . Chase : Right , and it is out there . You know , Tesla definitely proved that this was not only available , but relatively easy , and , you know , there 's people behind the scenes , now , you know . I believe that there is something going to happen , eventually . Hopefully it 's in my lifetime . That would be awesome , but disclosure 's got to happen . These secrets just cannot stay long with instant media , the internet . The public is getting well - informed , and not everybody cares about Honey Boo Boo . You know , some people are on this internet , you know , really fighting , and standing up , and asking the tough questions , and that 's why the media , that you and I are involved with , is huge , it 's important , and it 's about the only place they 're going to find truth , and , you know , honest stories . Martin : That 's right . Chase , you know , you 've been wonderful . We 're out of time , now , but I want to ask you this : would you be willing to come back on , again ? Comments on Recent Shows252 . Free Show : Mary Rodwell | Very Top Secret Information on Show Notes : Mary Rodwelladmin on Show Notes : Mary Rodwellmona radler on Show Notes : Mary RodwellKerry on 250 . Free Show : Dr Irena Scott & Lee Speigeladmin on 1958 Interview of Donald Keyhoe by Mike Wallace on UFOsThe Interactive Podcast Podcast UFO is an interactive weekly audio show / podcast pertaining to UFOs and Unidentified Aerial Phenomena . Shows are Live Streamed on our home page through YouTube with a chat room and recorded live every Wednesday at 8 : 00PM to 10 : 00PM EST , GMT / 01 : 00 - 03 : 00 UTC with free podcast episodes posted of the first hour on Thursdays . Interview topics include various aspects of the UFO experience , such as sightings and cover - ups . Guests are noted personalities , scientists , sighting witnesses , ufology investigators , researchers , skeptics , authors and people involved in all facets of the phenomenology . We highly encourage your interaction with guests and your feedback is always welcome . Images on this site are often used from the open source of the Internet . Images posted are believed to be within our rights according to the U . S . Copyright Fair Use Act ( title 17 , U . S . Code . ) If you believe there is an infringement of your image , please contact us at info @ podcastufo . com for removal .
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It 's been a pretty good year in the garden here at Midkiff Manor . Nobody got snake - bit , in spite of two close encounters with copperheads , and thanks to the electric fence the horses didn 't steal any produce except that one bell pepper from the basket I mistakenly left in the shed . The horses did eat the weeds we tossed outside the fence , which was a win - win . And though I didn 't keep track of the volume of the harvest , I know we ate a lot of oven - fried summer squash and tomato - basil - mozzarella salad . The kitchen freezer is crammed with frozen crooknecks and zucchinis , the laundry room fridge with butternut squash , and I have more butternuts curing on a rack outside . The cherry tomatoes are still producing , and before long the tomato seedlings I started some weeks back will be ready to set out for fall . There are many reasons for our success , and I 'll gladly take credit for as many of them as I can . I 'm particularly proud of our homemade squash trellises , which have been well worth the T - posts , cattle panels , and hours spent in assembly . By keeping fruit and foliage off the ground , we protected the plants from disease and reduced weeding to a fraction of what it would have been with a bunch of sprawling vines . Also , sprawling vines would have meant more hiding places for copperheads . Early in the season Greg did something clever with trenching and PVC pipe , and the end result was a hydrant in the shed providing us with easy water access for garden and horses . I was almost giddy with delight . I loathe dealing with water hoses - hauling them from here to there , tugging them through tall weeds , laboriously untangling a mass of deceptive coils only to realize the hose I 've been wrestling isn 't the one that 's screwed into the hydrant , or has been taken apart somewhere in the middle for I know not what reason , or has a nozzle attachment on the end that I don 't need and can 't get off . The whole thing is exhausting and demoralizing . Just knowing I don 't have to deal with all that has made me a lot more eager to work in the garden than in years past . The garden site itself is a good one , with a rich sandy loam - Bermuda grass and weedy taproots just pop right out of it - and a slight slope that helps the water flow down . We can 't take credit for the soil , but we can for being smart ; the main reason we chose to build on this site is because of the successful gardens of people who lived here decades ago . One of these , a former hired man , declared that this location was the best site on the whole farm for gardening . Some crops were more successful than others . The Black Cherry tomatoes did pretty well , the Jaspers did great , and the Tycoons bugged out early without producing a single fully ripe fruit . The okra seedlings got devoured by grasshoppers almost as soon as they sprouted . The first round of sweet potato slips did too , but we replanted and put on some row cover and are hoping for the best . We would have foiled the grasshoppers altogether if we 'd set out the slips earlier in the season , but we couldn 't find any at local feed stores and ended up mail - ordering some from Tennessee . Even if the sweet potatoes do their darnedest from here out , their yield won 't be half of what it should be , but next year we 'll know better . The butternuts and crooknecks had a terrific output ; the zucchinis just did okay . In the garden as in life , the reasons for failure are sometimes clear and sometimes not . Pests , disease , and lack of water produce predictable results , but often things go wrong and you really don 't know why . Why did some of our tomato plants produce so much better than others ? The high - performing Jaspers were at the head of the row ; the ill - faring Tycoons were at the end ; the Black Cherries were somewhere in between , both in location and in yield . Were the Jaspers getting more water than the others , or less ? Was the water pooling at the end of the rows or not flowing down enough ? Are the Jaspers just better performers ? Were the Tycoons devoured by an incredibly selective tomato hornworm ? The climate here in South Central Texas is harsh . Having the right varieties helps a lot but doesn 't guarantee success . Six years ago , when we first started scoping out possible building sites for our future home , we found a little tree surrounded by brush , weeds , and old house wreckage . With help from a Neil Sperry guide , I identified it as a Texas mountain laurel : small , tough , evergreen , drought - tolerant . It produces fragrant purple blossoms in springtime and actually prefers slightly alkaline soil . How awesome is that ? Greg 's mom said the tree was probably planted decades back by a former resident , a lady whose house later burned down . This lady had a lot of trouble in her life but she always had a beautiful garden . We took this as a good sign , and I named my blog for the tree long before we started construction . The tree is still there in what is now our back yard ; I can see it from my study window . But some months back it started looking sickly and dropping leaves . I 'm always sorry to see a good tree die , and this one has been a sort of symbol to me - not quite on the order of the White Tree of Gondor , but a reminder of God 's goodness and our purpose in being here on the farm in the first place . Laura Ingalls Wilder , author of the Little House books , writes in The First Four Years about a beloved young cottonwood tree planted by her husband in a sheltered spot north of the house where Laura can see it from her pantry window . A drought ruins that year 's wheat and oat crop , but the little cottonwood survives … only to die later in a fire that destroys the house while Laura is suffering from depression following the death of her second child . This is pretty much par for the course for the Ingalls and Wilder families , as anyone who 's read the Little House books knows . Grasshoppers , blackbirds , bad weather - their farm troubles are legion , and throughout the series wild hope and crushing disappointment follow each other in a heartbreaking loop . The first year of Laura and Almanzo 's marriage , they grow a beautiful field of wheat which , if harvested , will pay all they owe and leave them so well off that when Laura first does the math she thinks she must have made a mistake . One August day , Almanzo goes out to start harvesting , then comes back to the house and says the wheat still needs another day or two to be perfectly ripe . That very afternoon , a hail storm wipes out the entire crop . Throughout the Little House books there is this sense that if they just hang in there , if they find the right land and the right crop and dig in and work hard and go without new shoes , they will succeed . Those who fail at farming do so because they give up too soon or don 't know what they 're doing or don 't have enough heart . The Ingallses and the Wilders have plenty of heart ; their determination and good cheer in the face of overwhelming setbacks , their pure grit , just astound me . Long after the events described in the series , the Wilders did indeed have a successful , prosperous farm in Missouri , with an orchard , dairy cows , grain fields , and poultry . But Laura 's father , Charles Ingalls , with all his energy , optimism , and hard work , ended up packing it in and moving to town , where he supported the family with carpentry jobs . That must have stung . Farmers live pretty close to the edge , but really all economic ventures are speculative . Some livelihoods appear more stable than others in the short run , but ultimately times change , new markets emerge , and old industries collapse . The early American turpentine orchards of the Eastern Seaboard thrived for a time and then failed , leaving acres and acres of devastated land where virgin forest had once stood . Silk manufacture took a nosedive when polyester became a thing . Some of the most adored actors in silent films couldn 't make the transition to talkies because their voices were untrained or heavily accented , and so their careers ended . Disco flashed and died ; within a few years its stars went from adulation to hot scorn . For a few years in 1990s Texas , ostrich farming looked like it might take off , but the market soon cratered , leaving newcomers with birds purchased at too high a price to ever be recouped . Many owners abandoned their birds to the wild , and for a while rural Texans worried about ecological disaster in the form of flocks of well - adapted seven - foot feral birds with powerful legs and four - inch claws capable of killing a lion , or a man , with a single kick . Non - Texans , I did not make that up . There 's something almost ominous in the repeated line at the end . What indeed shall the harvest be ? Who can say ? In the words of the teacher , " the race is not to the swift , nor the battle to the strong , neither yet bread to the wise , nor yet riches to men of understanding , nor yet favour to men of skill ; but time and chance happeneth to them all " ( Ecclesiastes 9 : 11 ) . Witchcraft and idolatry , both forbidden by God in the Bible , are really methods of manipulating time and chance . The kind of medieval European folk magic that Westerners associate with witchcraft doesn 't put in an appearance in Biblical accounts . Witchcraft in the Bible is about telling the future . Even the necromancy in 1 Samuel 28 , where Saul gets a witch with a familiar spirit to call up the spirit of the prophet and kingmaker Samuel , is done for the purpose of asking the outcome of Saul 's upcoming battle . Idolatry is about influencing the future , performing prescribed rituals so the gods will grant what you want , with the usual example being good crops . ( Farming has been chancy business ever since Adam and Eve left the garden . ) Maybe anxiety is just the witchcraft and idolatry of a rationalistic age . We are fooling ourselves , messing around with worry and fruitless activity that exhausts us without actually qualifying as work . In Perelandra , C . S . Lewis 's science fiction novel set on an Edenic planet Venus , the activity forbidden to the unfallen inhabitants - the forbidden fruit of the realm - is staying overnight on dry land . Ransom , the Earthman protagonist , thinks this is odd at first , but after mulling it over realizes it makes a lot of sense . The planet is oceanic with an unknown number of floating islands . Go to sleep on one of these and you have no idea where you 'll wake in the morning . You might find your plans sidelined and yourself inconvenienced , separated from someone you long for . God wants the Perelandrans to trust his providence and not try to snatch sovereignty for themselves . They couldn 't anyway , any more than we can , but they could sure mess themselves up trying . We none of us can secure the future . Throughout the created world laws of cause and effect are always at work , whether we plan and labor with thoughtful diligence or just allow ourselves to be directed by outside forces . But the system is broader than we realize , and things happen that we don 't foresee and can 't account for . Plans go agley ; friendships fail ; and early promise falls short in execution . Likewise , boons and blessings come unlooked - for from unexpected places , and people emerge from years of sin and sorrow to walk in the light and thrive . Not all surprises are disappointments . Bell peppers were among the middling performers in this year 's garden . The foliage looked good , but the fruit was small and scarce . And again , we didn 't know why . Online sources suggested fertilizer , but we didn 't want to use the synthetic stuff , and anyway we thought it shouldn 't be necessary on such fresh ground where other plants were doing so well . We talked about adding compost or organic soil amendments , but other things demanded our attention , and we let the peppers go . Then about a week ago two of the plants suddenly started producing decent - sized fruits of bright yellow and red . I have no idea why . In the words of Lord Robert Crawley upon learning of his wife 's unexpected pregnancy , " I don 't understand what we 're doing differently . " In both cases , there are mysteries involved far beyond human agency . And he said , So is the kingdom of God , as if a man should cast seed into the ground ; and should sleep , and rise night and day , and the seed should spring and grow up , he knoweth not how . For the earth bringeth forth fruit of herself ; first the blade , then the ear , after that the full corn in the ear . But when the fruit is brought forth , immediately he putteth in the sickle , because the harvest is come . A certain man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard ; and he came and sought fruit thereon , and found none . Then said he unto the dresser of his vineyard , Behold , these three years I come seeking fruit on this fig tree , and find none : cut it down ; why cumbereth it the ground ? And he answering said unto him , Lord , let it alone this year also , till I shall dig about it , and dung it : and if it bear fruit , well : and if not , then after that thou shalt cut it down . And that 's the end of the parable . Jesus doesn 't say whether the remedial treatment works or whether the owner of the vineyard even agrees to give it a go . He just leaves off with the possibility that this isn 't the end of the tree 's life , and that just because it hasn 't borne for three years doesn 't mean it never will . And this is good to hear , because people go through years of unfruitfulness as well , and we can 't just conclude after a certain amount of time that if they 've gone so long in a certain state , they 'll remain that way always , any more than you can be sure that those who start well will end well . Where there is life there is hope , and uncertainty too . Whatever happens , it won 't be something we can take much credit for . A few mornings back , I looked out the window and saw four of the family dogs standing around the mountain laurel tree , pawing it and giving it funny looks . By now the leaf canopy was so thin that I could tell they hadn 't treed any cats , but something had caught their interest , maybe a snake . I went outside to investigate . Will the tree continue to leaf out and bless and cheer me ? Who can say ? I hope so . And whether it does or no , God has good things in store for me , in this life and the life to come . The one who gives chance after chance to a fruit - stingy fig tree can be trusted with my future . As we were leaving Greg 's mom 's house one afternoon , Greg said , " Listen to that weird bird call . Almost sounds like a cat , doesn 't it ? " It was an intermittent call , raucous and raw , and we didn 't know what kind of bird made it . It wasn 't like anything we 'd ever heard before , except a cat , sort of , but not really . Next morning Greg went to his mom 's again to do some yard work for her , and when he came home he had a tiny black - and - white kitten in his mom 's cat carrier along with a can of cat food and a towel . He 'd heard the noise again , decided it had to be a cat because it was coming from ground level , and searched until he found it huddled close to the fence . Greg 's mom said it had made that weird sound all night long . It was a young kitten - old enough to survive away from its mother , but not without some help . There was no sign of a mother cat or other kittens in the area . How did it get to Greg 's mom 's ? It was too young to walk far on its own and there was no place close enough for it to toddle from . Did someone really drive it to the country , find a likely - looking house , and just drop it off ? I know such things happen but the idea is just too much . I 've never really been able to wrap my mind around it . The kitten was still meowing its bizarre meow in the cat carrier . Now that we knew it was a cat , the sound seemed urgent and scared rather than just weird , but still , we figured something must be wrong with its meower for it to sound like that . I held the kitten , and it quieted down . What sort of night had it passed , a baby , hungry and alone in a strange place ? Mumford came at an opportune time . A few weeks earlier Emilie had brought home an orange kitten whom I 'd named Bucky ( that 's Winter Soldier Bucky , not Get Fuzzy Bucky ) , and a few days later she brought home Winky , a solid black female , so Mumford had a foster brother and sister right away . Bucky is the biggest and likes to wrestle the other two , giving Mumford fresh cause for yowling . Winky is a bit older than Mumford , a bit more graceful and poised on her feet , and a bit more reserved . When Bucky wrestles Winky , she doesn 't yowl ; she gibbers and fights back . At night , when Bucky and Mumford curl up close , Winky beds down about a hand 's breadth away - near , but not so near . It turns out that Mumford has a normal meow after all . There 's nothing wrong with his meower ; he was just so frantic that first couple of days , so frightened out of his senses , that he couldn 't sound like a regular cat . Emilie said he was using his mama - meow , and I think she 's right . It 's an urgent , piercing , strident cry , with the sole purpose of catching the mother cat 's attention and bringing her running . The cry of a human newborn in distress has a similar quality ; any mother knows instinctively the difference between a fussy or tired cry and the cry of a baby that 's frightened or in pain . Mumford 's mother , if she 'd been around , would have responded right away . We are humans and it took us a little longer to figure it out . We heard the mama - meow off and on again for a few days , whenever Mumford couldn 't find us or was suddenly startled awake . This little animal 's first waking thought was that he was alone again . Now that he 's settled in and seems to feel safe , he doesn 't do it anymore . He does follow me around a lot , put his little front paws on my ankle , and urgently meow up at me , wanting to be held - he 's needier than the other kittens - but now he just uses a regular meow . The thing about the mama - meow is that it is absolutely useless for any purpose other than summoning the mother cat ( or a sympathetic human , or the occasional dog with cross - species maternal instincts ) . It is the ultimate admission of vulnerability . It sure wouldn 't frighten predators ; in fact it would draw them . In the short run it would seem safer to keep quiet . But what good is that really ? Hiding from danger is no use for a kitten that young . It 'll die on its own , if not from predation then from hunger or exposure . The mama - meow is its only chance . There are times when your best and only hope is to cry out for mercy . Don 't try to be clever or cautious or defensive ; don 't hide ; don 't rely on your own resource . Put all your heart and hunger and loneliness and poverty and need into your cry , and pray it falls on sympathetic ears . We have a fair amount of cactus at our place . The prickly pears are easy to spot and easy to stay away from , unlike the spindly , many - branched icicle cactus , which will break off in one - inch segments , transport itself telekinetically through the air , and adhere to your person if you so much as pass within three feet of it . But cactus of any kind is problematic . All the animals get into it ; the horses get quills stuck in their mouths while grazing , and they are not real keen on letting you pull these out . So Greg declared that any cactus within our yard , horse paddock , garden , and future chicken enclosure would have to go . You cannot simply plow this stuff under and expect it to go away . It will sprout and regenerate and multiply like the vengeful undead from any remaining tissue fragments , as we learned to our sorrow the first year we had a garden out here . Well do I remember the repeated painful shock of reaching into the soil to pull up a weed by the roots , only to wrap my hand around a mass of underground zombie quills with an ambitious new root system . The determination of these plants is wonderful , as is their abundance of unspecialized cells , but I would prefer to admire them theoretically and from afar . A few days ago I noticed a small cactus plant not far from the back porch steps and decided to dig it up . It was a prickly pear cactus , with a total surface area less than that of my hand ; I figured a small garden trowel would suffice to uproot it . The trowel sufficed , all right , but one of the fronds grazed the backs of my fingers , leaving about a dozen little quills . I dropped the cactus into a bucket , went inside , and tweezed the quills out of my fingers . Then I got a shovel from the shed and went back outside . I 'd noticed another , larger cactus plant and thought I might as well dig it up too . I ended up filling four buckets with cactus . I kept seeing another little patch , and another , and another . It was satisfying work ; even though I knew there was plenty more cactus eradication left to be done , the individual plants were easy to uproot . I used the shovel to pack them tight in the buckets . A black widow spider came crawling out of one displaced plant ; I quickly dispatched it with the shovel 's blade . I dug up all the cactus patches in the immediate area and emptied the buckets onto the burn pile . Last winter was nice and wet , good for burning , and I hope this winter will be too . Burn bans are solemn law , and we respect them . Nobody wants to be the moron that burns the county down . But on days when the ban is lifted , Greg makes a delightful blaze of all the mesquite limbs and old weed stalks and such , and there is much rejoicing . In the morning only a layer of ash remains where once was a pile of unsightly , clothes - snagging , tire - puncturing , skin - scratching vegetative debris . It feels so restful to walk freely through areas that used to be choked with tangles of brush and thorns . We have found all kinds of stuff near the Shack - bits of glass , scraps of wire , pieces of rusted metal . Sometimes we find nice things , like an old plowshare , usable hand tools , a weathervane topper shaped like a horse , and a random letter E . None of the rest of the alphabet has ever turned up , but the E is now adorning Emilie 's room , along with the little metal horse . Sometimes we find baffling or terrifying things , like disembodied dead - eyed doll heads ( many of these ) . The various items just surface from time to time , especially after rain , like some bizarre volunteer crop . We never know what interesting / useless / creepy thing we 're going to find next . What I found that day was a marble , clear and blue as a drop of June sky . I brought it inside , washed it up , and rubbed some oil on it to smooth out any surface imperfections . If I hadn 't dug up any cactus that day , maybe I never would have found it . Maybe a horse would have stepped on it and pushed it back into the ground , or knocked it over to the trash bin a few feet away . And maybe God sent it to me as a bit of encouragement , a drop of sky in a broader sense . I tend to place great metaphysical significance in found objects - metaphysical in the sense of that which comes after the physical . That might be silly of me , but we are not strictly rational beings . And God knows the importance I place on my various rocks and sticks and bits of lichen and such , and I believe he has used them to gladden and encourage me before . There 's a lot more cactus to be dug up , and a lot more mesquite to be chainsawed and weeds to be pulled and fence to be built . The work just goes on and on , and the land is constantly trying to take back what we 've tamed . But we are making progress - good , substantial , satisfying progress . And the skydrop is in my study now , nestled against a white candle on a cut - glass saucer , reminding me of the gentian - colored bluebonnets we get at our place every spring and of the blue - eyed grass I loved in North Texas and still miss . There is disorder and sorrow and trouble in the world , but God has not abandoned his creation . He will restore all things beautifully in his time . The two bags of horse feed had been loaded into the trunk of my daughter 's Honda Accord at the drive - through feed store , and there was nothing left for the employee to do but take my payment and give me my hand - written receipt . But I had chosen to write a check , and this threw a kink into the works by drawing the transaction out longer than expected . The employee struck me as a taciturn fellow but seemed to consider it his duty to break up the prolonged silence . " What 's that ? " I asked . For a moment I thought he was suggesting that scorpions were of demonic origin , which is an idea of some merit , but not one I personally hold to . " I just step on ' em , " I said . I may or may not have felt a bit smug . Scorpions , snakes , spiders , they just don 't scare me like they do some people . " Yep , " I said . It 's true . One cat in particular , a three - legged fellow we had years ago , was the scorpion - eatingest cat I ever saw . His energy and industry were really admirable , and much appreciated , as he was providing a valuable service to the family . I considered mentioning this cat now but decided not to . A three - legged cat who catches and eats scorpions isn 't something you just toss into the conversation and move on . A cat like that requires explanation , exclamation , counter - remarks , and so on . It 's all very tiring and time - consuming . " Well , I have to spray for ' em , " the guy said . He sounded almost apologetic , bested in valor by my cats . " I 'm allergic to ' em . " And with that , my check was written . I handed it over , the guy gave me my receipt , and we were good to go . The social contract had been fulfilled . The guy scuttled off , and I got back in the Honda . The driver 's side window was down . No sooner had I shut the door than a second employee appeared from I know not where . The specter of drought is always present in Texas , even when we 're having plenty of rain . During those rare times when it rains to the point of inconvenience , and we comment on it , we 're always quick to add , " Not that I 'm complaining ! " A rural Texan being swept off in a torrent of floodwaters would probably feel compelled to say , " Well , we did need the rain . " Lately we 've been dealing with not just the specter but the reality of drought . Even the oak trees , stalwart and hardy , are showing signs of stress . There 's not much grass for the horses or cattle , and the big stock pond , which Greg filled with catfish and perch a few months back , has gotten low . Weather is cyclical , but not in the sense of things repeating themselves in strict and tidy patterns . Averages are just averages , not some sort of natural law , and things deviate farther and more frequently from the expected norm than we 'd like . When Greg was a boy that big stock tank never went dry ; now it frequently does . It 's sad to see the water receding from dry banks and getting dark and scummy in the low center before vanishing altogether in a damp bit of cracked black clay . This morning I woke at 4 : 30 to let the dogs out . I stood a moment with the front door open , wondering what that sound was . When a drought goes on long enough you actually forget the sound of rain . We had no social plans for Memorial Day , no cookouts to be rained out . I had knitting projects and plenty of yarn ; Greg had a number of jobs around the place that could be accomplished just as well in rainy weather . His big outbuilding has become a catchall for tools , horse tack , gardening supplies , random trash , and cats . With a fresh breeze and plenty of animals for company , he knocked out some repair projects and tidied up . It 's now possible to reach the feed bin without first performing a contortionist 's act around the four - wheeler . I decided I 'd had enough of knitting directly from twisty yarn skeins and dealing with the resulting tangles . I looked online , found instructions for how to make a center - pull yarn ball , and got to it . One of the skeins was already pretty messed up ; untangling it took a lot longer than getting it into ball form . Well , that 's a lesson for next time : wind the yarn right away . We don 't start out knowing everything in any discipline . We learn as we go . I , too , had plenty of animal company . Dogs and cats contribute little of a positive nature to the process of winding yarn , but they are willing and enthusiastic participants . Ginny the Chihuahua stayed especially close . Rain worries her ; she likes to be snug against a person , preferably under a blanket , during storms . She would have liked it if I had settled down on the sofa with my knitting , but I had to get my yarn in shape first . I put two chairs back to back , spread out the tangled yarn on the dining table , worked some out , wound some it around the chairs , stopped to untangle again , and wound some more . Wanting to be as near me as possible , Ginny sat on one of the chairs . Later , when Daniel came home , he saw the whole set - up from across the room and thought for a moment that I was lashing Ginny to the chair like a little prisoner . I worked with the windows open , and what sounded at first like quacks of delight coming from the direction of the creek turned out to be exactly that . The ducks were glad of the rain too . They quacked steadily for hours . Once I had my yarn taken care of I stood outside on the back porch a while and just listened . Today is Memorial Day . The whole idea behind memorial , behind memory , is calling to mind things that aren 't happening anymore , things that ought to be remembered . Like the weather , life has its cycles : loss and renewal , dearth and plenty , sacrifice and reward . And as with weather , the patterns aren 't predictable or tidy . Sometimes the one doing the sacrificing doesn 't get to reap the reward . Sometimes your allotted days don 't allow you to hear the dissonance resolved or to see the purpose and beauty emerge in a design that looks like chaos . Hope is what bridges the gap - the hope that God is good and will make all things right , in this life or in the life to come . The young nation of Israel that wandered through the wilderness in the book of Exodus gets a lot of flack from modern churchgoers , but I wonder which of us in the same circumstances would do better or as well . They didn 't know how the story would end ; the God of Abraham was still largely an unknown quantity to them . They had a promise and the testimony of some compelling miracles , yes , but the future was still the future , not an accomplished fact . God allowed them to run out of water , to experience genuine privation , to have real cause for fear and doubt . If he hadn 't , they 'd have had no opportunity to demonstrate faith . Faith is a challenge by definition . It means hanging in there on the strength of a promise , often when everything around you looks like a reason to give up . I know a lot of people right now who are clinging to faith and longing for times of refreshment . I pray that those times will come , and soon , for all of us . The rain came down steadily for most of the day , and more is expected for the rest of the week . Greg drove by the stock tank and said it 's looking good . He may get to go fishing in October after all . What you see here is a 1979 Chevy Super Six truck , formerly owned by Greg 's grandfather , and given to Greg by his mom in 2008 or so when we decided to move to the farm . It 's not old enough to look like a classic ; it 's just old enough to look old . Its lines are plain and spare , lacking the truck - on - steroids look of modern designs . Even the color is an understated slate grey . But all that is gold does not glitter , and people who know about trucks find this one strangely exciting . Older men see it and spout fond recollections of trucks they owned once and wish they owned still . Our trusted mechanic back in Krum , who restored the truck to good running condition , praised it in glowing terms I didn 't understand in the slightest . Greg 's friend Joey enthusiastically pressed on the hood , demonstrating the strength and durability of the steel body . Apparently they don 't make them like this anymore . Today I needed to take Emilie to the equine center to work with her horse , and the truck was the only vehicle available to me , so I got to renew my acquaintance with its " three - on - a - tree " transmission . The layout of the gear - shifting scenario is something like a capital H , and after three years it 's still not exactly second nature to me . The bench seat doesn 't come up far enough to accommodate my five feet , two inches . The first time I drove the truck , I started out perched on the edge of the seat so my feet could reach the pedals , but the mammoth effort required to push in the clutch caused my rear to slide backwards . For a while I tried to stay at the edge of the seat by clinging for dear life to the steering wheel while shifting gears , but this proved too exhausting . I ended up in a semi - recumbent posture , with my upper back pressed against the seat back to provide necessary stability , and my head so low I could barely see over the dash . Once in a while the gear - shift knob came off in my hand . But that was long ago and I 'm now pretty well used to the truck 's vagaries . A throw pillow behind my back keeps me from sliding or reclining , and I manage to get from Point A to Point B without too much trouble . Occasionally a man in a truck of comparable vintage will raise his hand to me in the laconic salute of country people . We understand each other , he seems to say . We drive old trucks . There was a time when the thought of driving a vehicle like this would have paralyzed me with fright . By nature I am not a risk - taker . I am not quick on my feet . I don 't like embarking on any course of action without feeling reasonably certain what the outcome will be . Also I don 't like doing things I don 't already rock at . But that 's sort of limiting , isn 't it ? We can 't all rock at everything , especially when we 're just starting out . And security is just an illusion anyway . Life is risk . Sooner or later you have to take the gear shift in your hand , press down on the clutch with all your might and main , and go for it .
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The Chairperson : We have a long list of witnesses that I do not want to read out , so I am going to let Laura or whoever introduce you . There are seven witnesses . Is everyone joining us at the table ? The Chairperson : I am distressed that I cannot have a bit of flexibility in the Committee . We will hear from four of you first of all . However , I would not mind hearing from the young people as well . We will see whether we can bring people in and out of the discussion . Ms Couser : The format of today 's presentation is that the staff panel will speak first . I introduce Ronan McCaffrey , development officer ; Amanda Stewart , development officer ; and Sinéad Blair , learning and development officer . I am Laura Couser , director of the Bytes Project . These staff work at the coalface with young people . The presentation will be interspersed with some audio links from young people who could not be here . Fortunately , they have progressed to employment . We will have our youth panel at the end , so you will have plenty of opportunity to speak to the young people . Mr Allister : News to me . [ Laughter . ] Ms Couser : We are here today to discuss the important issue of reducing the number of young people who are not in education , employment or training ( NEET ) , or who are at risk of becoming so , particularly those who are further away from the labour market and those with complex personal issues who , for whatever reason , may find themselves homeless , in care or known to the law . We want to share with you some of the methods of engagement and delivery that we have developed over 18 years of working in this field and to discuss how the service can be delivered to all young people across the Province . I know that we are not a regional organisation , but I feel that we have enough experience and history of working with that target group - originally called " status zero " , for anybody who has been around long enough to know that - to have some good delivery methods for turning young people 's lives around . First , the original motivation for Bytes came from an international model called Bytes for Bullets . It targeted young people at risk and offered them opportunities for personal and social development and economic improvement through creative information and communication technology ( ICT ) . That remains the ethos of Bytes to this day . It was established here in 1993 by a steering committee led by the Department of Education Northern Ireland ( DENI ) and other statutory agencies , including the then Training and Employment Agency ( T & EA ) , the University of Ulster and Queen 's University . Fortunately , they had the foresight to change the name from Bytes for Bullets to Bytes for Belfast . The original name probably was not that appropriate back in 1993 . Funding initially came from DENI , with the T & EA coming on board as a 50 : 50 partner in recognition of the skills development in which young people participated and the progression into formal training and employment . We received start - up equipment from Apple and set up our two original centres in 1993 . Our work is cross - community , and we recogniMs Sinéad Blair ( The Bytes Project ) : Given that I am a learning and development officer , I am going to come at this from that pitch . The curriculum in the organisation has evolved and changed quite extensively over the past few years . I think that that has happened as a response to the evaluations and consultations that we have engaged in with the young people themselves . As well as the young people 's input , we have put made an effort with managers , youth workers and examination boards - a good spectrum of people who we feel have provided input to shape the curriculum framework that we deliver to the young people . I will give you a flavour of that framework . It is constructed around four core areas of work and basically takes the form of IT and digital media , personal and social development , good relations , and employability and skills support . During 2011 , we had over 2 , 000 young people engaged in those four core areas of work . Resulting from that contact with young people , approximately 456 qualifications were achieved . That number was slightly down compared with that of the previous year , but obviously the organisation has had to downsize , given funding cuts during last year . Moving forward into the next year , we would like to see those numbers increase again . To give you an idea of some of the comments coming forward from external organisations , I will give you a quote from some of the moderators and examiners who work with the young people and review their work . This quote comes from an employment skills moderator . Her name is Rosemary Cunningham , and works for the Council for the Curriculum , Examinations and Assessment ( CCEA ) . She looked at the work that the young people are putting together with our staff and said : " The evidence in the portfolio booklet was of a very high standard and showed good cross - referencing . Internal standardisation is excellent in this centre and includes in each portfolio a good range of activities . Work has been shown to satisfy the evidence requirements for this particular qualification . " We like a young person who goes through the curriculum to have something tangible at the end of it . So , the staff work closely with the young people to produce a portfolio . We hear that term quite a lot when we are talking about education and work , but the portfolios that they produce are credible to their work . Young people have told us that they can take them to interviews and , if they are consider moving into further education or other training , they can take the portfolio with them and showcase what they have achieved . The portfolios show the learning outcomes , the projects that they have been involved with and how much they have developed in a range of areas . I introduce Ryan Murray , who is on the slide on the screen . Ryan is one of our young people who went to our Shankill centre , and was with us for a number of years . Ryan has now progressed into employment . He undertook a range of qualifications and opportunities in the organisation . He is about take up a post with some digital media people in the Shankill area , which involves putting together logos , digital artwork for banners and producing stuff for the parades that are coming up in the summer . Ryan gained our digital media qualification and he excelled . Prior to his engagement with the staff , he did not know he had talent in that area . You will hear for yourself how much Ryan has developed and come along . We will play the recording : " My name is Ryan Murray , and this is my story . I attended Shankill Bytes for six years . When I first started attending Bytes , I was mainly interested in using computers for Bebo and seen it as a place to hang out with other kids . As I started to go to the centre on a more regular basis , with the help of Bytes staff , I started to get involved in projects ranging from suicide and drug awareness as well as relationship and sexuality problems . I was also involved in a lot of cross - community and single identity work , and this gave me a better understanding of people from different cultures and different backgrounds . I 've also successfully completed a number of qualifications within Bytes , such as job search , personal development and ICT . As a young person in Bytes , I was the first person to complete a CCEA digital media , and I gained an A * . My folder is actually being used as a folder of excellence . With the help of staff , I had a lot to put into a CV , which gave me confidence to apply for jobs . I got a part - time job in Gordon 's Chemist on the Shankill Road , and then , with my improved confidence , I got a full - time job in a call centre , where I worked for two years . I am now working in Iceland on the Shankill Road , but I still call in to see the Bytes staff and Phil and that , and let them know how I am getting on . Just an overview of everything really . Working with Bytes has really opened my eyes to working with people from different backgrounds and people from across the barrier , and it has taken them barriers down for me . It has given me a lot of confidence in myself and in my work . I am really happy and fortunate for that . " Ms Couser : Amanda will speak next . You can have all the text on the screen and all the rhetoric and buzzwords that go around , but our work is about the young people , their needs and how we can help them overcome barriers in their lives . Hopefully , they will get employment at the end , but it is about overcoming barriers in their lives . Amanda and Ronan are working at grass roots , and they can give you a real example of the impact of some of the work . Ms Amanda Stewart ( The Bytes Project ) : Good morning . I am one of the development officers with The Bytes Project . I will talk briefly today about some of the strengths of the Bytes approach and why it works for people who , arguably , are among the most marginalised young people in our society . The Bytes Project works with young people from a range of backgrounds , including those who are considered core NEET , homeless , care experienced , ethnic minorities , young people from the Travelling community and those with disabilities . I do not use those terms to label the young people ; I am using them to highlight their circumstances . We engage young people , primarily , in three different ways . First , we engage them through our drop - in centres , which are strategically placed in communities . We have seven of those centres . Secondly , we take direct referrals from the Youth Justice Agency and social services . Thirdly , we have a bespoke outreach service that is delivered in areas of need . Typically , many of the young people we work with are dealing with a complex range of multiple issues , including drug and alcohol misuse , mental and physical health problems , family conflict and low educational attainment and self - esteem or confidence , to name but a few . I guess you are saying , " So what ? What is it that The Bytes Project actually does to help young people address those issues and tackle barriers to education , training and employment ? " One of the most important parts of the process is relationship - building with the young people . By its ethos , it has a young person - centred approach . That means that it is non - judgemental . It is about being respectful of the young person , regardless of their background , behaviour or any of their experiences . It is about taking the young person as they are . That approach develops trust , and it gives the young person space to explore the issues and to make sense of them and to prioritise them . Once that is established , we begin to goal - set with the young person . We facilitate that process , but it is very different for each young person , because the goals are determined by the young person , depending on their issues and barriers . It involves asking the young person where they want to go , what they want to do , and what their future would look like , if things were better . When that is established , we work with them on a realistic action plan , so that they can begin to be enabled to put those steps in place . If somebody said that they wanted to do hairdressing or be a youth worker , we would ask them what they have to do , what they need to do , what information they need to source and what skills they need . I suppose that , due to the way in which I am describing this , it seems that it is a linear process , but it is not . My experience is in working with young homeless people . They usually lead chaotic lives . It may well be the case that I have worked with a young person who has determined their goals . That young person , who has been taking part in a Bytes programme , might stopThe Chairperson : You are in good company , Amanda . Ms Stewart : I feel it is the young people who can speak about this . I am going to introduce you to Gary Cusack who attends our Poleglass centre . We have a recording of him speaking . He will probably say it better than I can : " My cousin actually told me about Bytes . I started going to Bytes and it just changed everything . I settled down with a girl , and then I broke up with her , but it made me look at things differently . Then , I got involved with youth work . I 'm doing my level 1 and 2 … Don 't get me wrong , they are all my mates . They still are my mates and if any of them needed me , I would be there for them . I still talk to them ; I just don 't do the things that they do . I finished school three years ago . I got five GCSEs but I didn 't get maths or English . School is a boring background . There is no perspective in it . You just sit in a classroom ; you 're bored , you 're melted . In Bytes , you are in a different environment - you are not melted . You are in your own clothes . You are just there to do it , you enjoy it more . It 's enjoyable . It has changed everything . It showed me the direction where I want to go . Before , I didn 't know what I wanted to do . I didn 't know where I was going to be in a few years ' time . Now , I 've got my path all cleared out . I want to do youth work . I want to be a youth leader . Cross - community projects we did . We did a lot recently with Tullycarnet . Catholics and Protestants , obviously . It 's really good . I really enjoyed every single moment of it - getting to know different cultures , different people and different backgrounds . I 'm studying bricklaying now . I passed my level 1 and I 'm near finished my level 2 . Then , that 's me after I do that . But , I don 't really want to be a bricklayer ; I want to be a youth leader . I did my level 1 and I 'm doing my level 2 now . Then , I 'm going to do my level 3 and hopefully go to Jordanstown to do a diploma in it . I was inspired by Bytes and by Martin . He showed me along the way , and I 've volunteered in a youth club for four years . I enjoyed it . It 's changed a lot , especially for me and my best mate . He was going through a rough patch , and he tried to hang himself . I was there for him whenever he needed me . Then , I went through a rough patch in life about a year ago . Only for him and Bytes , to be honest , I wouldn 't be here . " Mr Ronan McCaffrey ( The Bytes Project ) : Thank you very much . I am a development officer with The Bytes Project . I will talk briefly about the benefits of outreach work and how it impacts directly on the lives of the young people we work with . The Bytes Project has , over the years , gained a reputation for working in some of the most socially and economically deprived areas of Northern Ireland . We continue to carry out that work to this day . I want to talk briefly about six particular areas . As I look around the room today , I recognise a couple of faces here . Mr Ramsey , I am currently working in Strathfoyle . However , the one I want to start with is Short Strand . Two summers ago , and leading in to last year , Phil and I engaged in a cross - community law and order project . In total , 25 young people successfully completed the qualification , but the qualification only tells a small part of the story . Involved in the qualification were visits to the courts , police stations and talks with the PSNI . There was not one incident ; it was a 100 % successful engagement . Perceptions of the police , if only slight at times , changed . Only recently , we heard that Short Strand community centre and Short Strand Bytes , because of the contentious parades in the summer and the trouble that comes from them , have successfully gained money to take young people from Short Strand out of the area during parades to lessen the impact on the police and on the young people especially . The second project that I want to talk about is the 50 / 50 Project in Glengormley , which is supported by Paula Bradley MLA . In fact , we used her offices on Portland Avenue for the first few weeks of the project , but we have now moved across the street . We are working there with Sharon and Ina McTaggart , who head up the 50 / 50 Project . We started there in October / November and , to date , there have been 22 law and order qualifications successfully completed as well as 12 Oxford Cambridge and RSA ( OCR ) employability qualifications . Again , that only tells a small part of the sYou listened to Amanda earlier , Mr McCrea . Amanda works on Friday evenings at the Lisburn Simon Community with the young people there doing projects . One of the other ones is the Hubb on the Shore Road . We have done law and order and assertiveness and decision - making courses there . I want to stress that the outreach work that we do is all carried out with limited and stretched resources , as well as strict timescales . We are going into areas like Strathfoyle for two or three hours a week . We are going into Flax Foyer for two or three hours a week . We are going into the Simon Community in Lisburn for two or three hours a week . You are not going in to start qualifications , you are going in to start to build relationships before the qualifications take place , because the young people do not know you and you do not know them . That is all I have to say on the outreach work . I want to introduce , on the following recording , Joe Ferris from our Short Strand Bytes centre . Thank you very much . " I am 20 years old . Before starting Bytes , I was attending Corpus Christi and living in west Belfast . I would regularly visit my granny in the Short Strand , and spent a lot of time in the area . I stumbled upon Bytes in 2008 while being around the community centre with some friends . The development worker at the time , Ronan , encouraged me to use Bytes to socialise and to further my education . I then moved to the Short Strand area in 2009 and finished school . I started taking part in various projects and getting involved in programmes offered by Bytes . I really enjoyed the informal aspect of Bytes , the fun activities and the relaxed atmosphere . I felt comfortable . I felt I could try new things , and believed that Bytes was a place where I could be myself . I have since completed the following : law and order level 1 and 2 in understanding young people and exploring relationships between young people and the police . It was a real eye - opener for me . OCR in ICT , including word processing , giving me invaluable knowledge and skills to complete job applications and also funding applications . I have also completed first aid training , which I have continuously used in my voluntary capacity in my local youth project . Recently I applied , through the O2 Think Big programme , for £ 300 to design a project for Bytes around healthy eating . I designed the project based on the ' Come Dine With Me ' TV programme , which had 10 young people taking part . I feel this was a great success , and I have been approached by O2 to apply for the Think Bigger programme , which could be worth up to £ 2 , 500 . I realise what Bytes has done for me in order to get to this point in my life . I have successfully found work with the support of Bytes . In fact , I have three jobs at present , all of which I know that Bytes has helped me to get . Bytes has provided me with the following : self - confidence , with the ability to believe in my own worth and ability ; interview skills that have helped me during my job hunting ; qualifications that have furthered my job prospecMs Couser : Listening to that , it would be very easy to think that we are just a training organisation that delivers lots of qualifications . However , as Amanda and Ronan alluded to , it is not easy work and it is not about qualifications ; it is about the issue that the young person presents with . Much of the outreach work that Ronan talked about was done because there was interface violence . We have been a victim of our own success , because people contact us to say that they have a problem with a group of young people hanging around and ask us to come in and do something to support them . It is not a case of going in and delivering training . As Ronan said , you need to take the time and space to listen to the young people , find out their issues and sometimes even facilitate conversations . I remember the early law and order programme that Ronan talked about that was done on the Shankill , and it was not just about the PSNI . We also had to get ex - combatants in the room because of some of the lifestyle issues that young people were facing at the time . The whole process is about challenging attitudes and behaviours . If there are issues that we can help and support with , or bring other specialist organisations in to help and support , that is also a role and function that the staff have to undertake . We look at the person as a person ; we are not looking at rolling them in , doing a programme and rolling them out again . It is about changing their lifestyle , and that includes all the issues and baggage that they bring with them in that lifestyle . The Chairperson : I will take a few questions from the Committee to tease things out a bit . We will do that quite informally , so people can chip in . When we have done that , we will have another little chat with the young people to find out how well they have done . We will have a little chat first about some of the more formal stuff . I was delighted with the presentation . Ronan mentioned Short Strand . I have been in the centres in Short Strand and Tullycarnet . Obviously , we had a lot of violence there last year . That did not just involve young people , but young people were caught up in it . That was some of the worst violence that we had seen for many years . What is your experience now ? There were a lot of relationships built up between young people there , and the whole thing was fractured overnight . Have things improved since last year ? Mr McCaffrey : Yes , they most definitely have . We have talked about the issue in work over a number of years , myself and Phil especially . It is recreational rioting to a large extent , because the young people on the Catholic side and the Protestant side know each other , play football together and socialise together . When they are bored , they go and riot . It is as simple as that . Last summer 's violence had more sinister elements , but young people , especially young males when they get bored , have this energy and they go and riot . When you talk to them about it , you say there are pensioners living on the front of the roads on both sides and you try to get the young people back into their communities , but it is the pensioners who are left with the broken windows and the smashed windows of their cars . The issue is getting through to them . They actually do not see a danger in rioting . If the police come , things can happen , but they do not see that . They just see it as going up for a riot , releasing energy , throwing stones at each other and then going back in . Ms Couser : It might not be the same young people . The first instance is probably around the jubilee parades this weekend . We know that it can create a group of people , and young people will migrate to a group of young people . It is about making them aware that one wrong step can ruin their whole lives . We do not want them to make that one wrong step . It is not about them making a wrong step and then being rewarded with being taken away ; it is about taking them away from that situation in which they could become involved . That is maybe the nature of young people . Ms Couser : These are young people who have not committed an offence yet . It is really about them avoiding committing an offence . As Ronan said , they do not do it always because of sectarianism ; it is just because they are absolutely and totally bored and there is nothing else to do . We have all been there . I grew up during the Troubles , so I know what it is like to live in an interface area . Sometimes , you just want to find out what is happening , and then you get caught up . It is not about going with an intent to fire a brick ; it is about going just because there are other people there and , unfortunately , sometimes , you get involved . Ronan talked a lot about the law and order programme . We designed it specifically to get young people to look at the impact of what they do , to think about what they are going to do , and , before they go to an interface , to think , " Well , if I go there , I 'm going to get caught up in that . " This is the result of that . Mr Douglas : You made a good point about taking young people out . My experience is that young people get caught up in some of that rioting , they are arrested and they are marked for life . If they want to get on to programmes that take them to America , for example , they cannot go because they cannot get a passport . I am very aware of the excellent work that you have been doing for a number of years . At some stage , maybe you can tell us what we can do as a Committee to help you to pursue your further aims . I wish you all the best . Ms Gildernew : I find myself thinking along the same lines as Jim about the recreational rioting stuff . However , it would be remiss of the Committee to think that you were involved only with young people who are involved in rioting . I want to bring it back to the case studies . I was on the Committee for Social Development 10 years ago , and we did a report on homelessness . The Simon Community was very strategic in giving us information to help us to come up with that report . I was very pleased to see Carol 's letter in the pack today . At times , it was very hard to get some members of that Committee to understand the reasons why young people would make themselves homeless . I found it shocking that people did not understand that there were a number of reasons why a family unit would break down and why a young person would voluntarily leave what was seen to be a comfortable family home . The case studies were very compelling . It must be hard to evaluate , although you have done your best to do that in respect of qualifications and jobs and all of that . It is impossible to evaluate how many young people you have saved from self - harm or suicide , for example . To that end , it can be very difficult to make the case for funding . I appreciate that . I make no apology for pointing out that it is very much an urban - based project . There are young people who would be in a similar situation in rural areas , but the same provision is not available for them . What are your thoughts on that ? Ms Couser : We would love to expand . We have demands that we cannot cope with . A lot of our outreach work is regional and takes place in Lurgan , Lisburn and Coleraine . We have done a small amount in Ballymena and Larne . It is normally a call for help , or there is a direct link through the Simon Community , in which there would be young people , because it is quite transitional in the foyer situation , although we provide that transitional support as well . Part of my opening statement was , first , about how we secure what we have . There is a need where we are working . Secondly , it was about how we can roll it out and make it available across the board . We do not want to be only urban . We want all young people to have access to our programmes . Amanda and Ronan do outreach work in regional areas . Ms Stewart : I work at Lurgan Foyer and in the Lisburn Simon Community . That is not without its difficulties , because you are there by yourself . You have a couple of laptops , and you are faced with the young people who come in . I remember going out to Lisburn for the first time . I was so nervous . I went into the room , and a couple of young men were there . They said , " Why don 't we tie her up and put her in the corner and take the laptops ? " I said , " Please don 't " . [ Laughter . ] You do not have that relationship , and it is tough . Needless to say , the laptops were not even opened that day . I said , " What 's the craic here ? Where are you coming from ? How do you find Lisburn Simon Community ? " Again , it goes back to building relationships . With limited resources and really limited staff , there is only so much that you can do . If I do a bit of work in Lurgan , people ask whether I could come and work in Edward Street in Portadown or in their hostel in Armagh . I cannot , because I am only one person . There is loads of potential for expansion , but it is a question of resources . Mr P Ramsey : I want to follow on from an earlier point . Michelle Gildernew is right ; where government policy is concerned , we are always looking at measurable outcomes , particularly if young people are involved and if they might be NEET . That is very hard in your circumstances , and I must say that I was very impressed by the presentation . I admire your passion for the work that you do and your clear compassion for the young people who are involved . It is very hard to have measurable outcomes that will help somebody who is estranged from their family or has alcohol or substance abuse problems to go down a better a path . It is hard to have data on that , for example . You heard about the proverbial youth and community worker out there doing a multitude of different types of work , particularly in the outreach sense . When you were speaking , you did not refer to those young people who have been totally failed by the education system . It is a fairly strong point that you are making . We know that statistics show that young male Protestants are not getting the same academic qualifications as their counterparts , for instance . What steps are you taking to track that back to a school and to talk to the governors or to whomever ? I am very interested in that and in where the problem lies . Brian Heading , the Mayor of Lisburn , talked to me about the Bytes Project only last week . He was highly complimentary about it , so I place that on record , in case I forget to say it . I am also very impressed , because it is not easy to do outreach work on the streets . You need to have a special skill to do that and to encourage and motivate young people into believing that there is a better path to go on . Again , I can only admire you for that . It is hard to qualify the outcomes that you get , particularly at times of high tension , such as the parade season . Do you have any data that you could share with the Committee ? I know that you referred to some areas . I am not sure whether you mentioned 3 , 000 or 2 , 000 young people and that so many of them going into training , so many going into education and so many going into work . I am keen , as , I am sure , is the Committee , to get more information , because it is possible that there will be an all - party motion on NEETs in the Chamber . All the information is relevant . Can you share with us your funding streams ? That is also relevant . We would like to be in a position to advocate on your behalf , but who are we advocating to ? Ms Couser : That is two questions . So far as the progress of the young person or the process that they take are concerned , you normally count only what happens at the end . For instance , they might have a qualification , have found work or have moved into employment . Yes , it is very difficult to track what happens in between , because you have to allow for a young person to move forward and regress , and then you pick them up , dust them down and move them forward again . That could happen multiple times during their process in Bytes . Over the years , we have looked at a number of things . We have looked at neurolinguistic programming ( NLP ) and at how we could model it to a peer group in which one individual has good behaviour and one has not so good behaviour . We have tried to look at alternative ways of doing that . At the minute , we would like to explore looking at Social Impact Tracker , which looks more at the softer outcomes . However , as most organisations would say , I think that you need investment to collect those statistical data . I have forgotten the second part of the question . Ms Couser : Just recently , the Department of Education ( DE ) passed the funding of the Bytes Project to the Youth Council NI , through the youth sector . The Department for Employment and Learning ( DEL ) matches the funds that come from the Youth Council . For me at the minute , there is a pressure and a gap , and , I suppose if I am perfectly honest , it is a bit of a scary space . Everything is waiting for something to be established under the Education and Skills Authority ( ESA ) . We know that new funding streams will be set up . The Youth Council does not know what will happen to it , and one of our core concerns is that we do not fit in the normal funding formulas . Ms Couser : We are in limbo land . On the other side , we have the issue with DEL , which means that we are not quite sure where our training programmes will go and how that will affect the match funding . At the minute , all staff have letters of offer until the end of June . So , effectively , our funding finishes on 30 June . We know that the Youth Council is doing an external review to figure out how it will allocate funding to us . At the same time , all of us - the Youth Council , the Department of Education and ourselves - know that we do not fit in the current funding streams . That is why we have always sat outside the normal process . That is a very worrying situation for us at the moment . Mr P Ramsey : I have one final question . What was the thinking behind the Strathfoyle work ? Strathfoyle is in a rural area ; it is not in the city . How did you become involved in working with the young people in Strathfoyle ? Who referred you there ? Mr McCaffrey : Eamonn and I more or less bumped into each other . When we were receiving child protection training at our Shankill centre , the girl who was taking the training mentioned the Strathfoyle group and Eamonn , and , because we had been talking about the age group that we work with , she said that she might have a group for us . That is how it happened . Two phone calls later , I went up to meet Eamonn , and it started from there . He has a fantastic set - up there . He is like us in that he has limited resources and grabs at anything . If you walk into the centre on a Thursday , and you will find 12 to 15 young people waiting . Ms Couser : Our baseline is £ 440 , 000 . Anything over and above that is a bonus for additional staff , additional resources and additional programmes . For example , part of that money was used for an essential skills tutor . Again , that allowed us to look at how we could engage our young people with essential skills needs through essential skills training . Moving them to formal training providers was not working , because they had difficulty turning up every day . For example , Belfast Met had difficulty with them because of their limited attention span and commitment . So , we wanted to bring in an essential skills tutor to work alongside us and to look at how we could tackle the issue in a non - formal environment . So , sometimes the funding is used to help us investigate how we can do things better . The core budget is £ 440 , 000 . Ms Couser : No . We went through a period of probably about five years where we did not get a rise in our cost of living at all . Obviously , because costs have gone up and the budget has stayed the same , we are constantly looking at cost - saving exercises . We are constantly reviewing how we can do things cheaper and more efficiently and effectively . Ms Couser : It has fluctuated , but it is thereabouts . At the minute , we have 21 core staff . They operate the infrastructure , head office and seven outreach centres . Ms Couser : I think that we are absolutely valued . There is a difficulty , because we sit outside the normal funding structures . We have always been a bit of a square peg in a round hole . Since being set up in 1993 , we have gone through five economic appraisals and one Education and Training Inspectorate ( ETI ) inspection . Ms Couser : That is my point exactly . We come very cheap , so I ask whether we can please just have security of funding . An important point is that we went through the process in March last year and were not sure whether we were going to get an extension . In April , we were told that we would have a transitional year to sort out where funding was going to go . From an operations and staff perspective , we lost three centres , and staff were made redundant . Staff took a pay freeze and a reduction in salary . Do you know why that was ? It was because staff believe in this work ; they believe 100 % in this work and they care about the young people they work with . I am going to get very emotional about it ; it is an extreme passion of mine . We do not want this service to disappear . I do not care whether I am doing it or whether somebody else is doing it , it is a valuable service . We meet people where they are . We take them , personally , from where they are in their lives . We do not care how long the string is ; we want to get them from one end to the other . The Chairperson : So , you were at about £ 550 , 000 and you are down to £ 440 , 000 . So , £ 100 , 000 has been taken out . I want to make a point along the same lines as Jim 's , but you still have the Floor , Jim , if you wish to continue . Ms Couser : We have always had very close relationships with Department reps . Jeff Ard , who was in here for business prior to this session , was one of our Department reps . Last year , when the budget cut hit , there was a feeling that we were going to do things differently , but both Departments stepped away from that . Doing things differently is something that I would encourage . We need to be transparent in what we are doing . We also need to be feeding information to the people who can actually make the decisions . Ms Couser : No . We were in Rathcoole youth club , and there is no rent cost there . However , for our age range , the youth club situation does not always work . It depends very much on the club . The Chairperson : We will pick that up . I will ask that the Committee write to the Department to ascertain the priorities . If we can find a way of doing that with DE as well , we will write to the appropriate Committee for onward transmission . I think that you fall between a number of stools . I got involved only by chance . I spoke to some of your young people , whose heads were melted when I spoke to them . [ Laughter . ] Ronan made some really quite dramatic comments when we were talking about interface areas . People do not realise how damaged and vulnerable some of our young people are . There is no point bemoaning that , because it is the reality . As a society , we are not tackling the problem properly . There seems to be a diversity of delivery with groups such as Include Youth and Opportunity Youth , and we cannot get out heads around what we are all doing . Yet there is clearly a problem with young people from very difficult backgrounds , shall we say . We have to find a way to deal with that . Ms Couser : Absolutely . We deliver what comes before those programmes , because we signpost young people into , for example , the Prince 's Trust . That is a good leader , but the young people are not ready to go into those programmes when they come to us . The Chairperson : I will reflect on this , and I will stop in a minute . Your presentation was pretty comprehensive and covered a lot of issues . However , you need to get out certain key messages . That is not criticism ; I am just saying that we are struggling . It is not clear to us that you are dealing with people who are at the pre - entry stage for other courses . Whenever we talk here we tend sometimes even to sanitise the reality of their lives and what you try to deal with . That has come across . It is good that you say that it is hard . A throwaway comment is sometimes more powerful than a big presentation . So , the idea of asking , " Why not tie Amanda up and steal her laptops ? " gives the subject a certain earthiness . Ms Couser : We are doing interface work with Tennent Street police station , and a group of 32 younger people , who we would not normally work with , are going to see the Lord Mayor tomorrow night about interface violence . They went through a process with us and achieved a qualification . They asked their school principal to attend the presentation , because that principal made them feel as though they would never achieve anything in their lives . I think that Phil Hughes was one of the delivery people at that programme . You are right , Basil : it is hard to get across the message that we work at the pre - entry stage for everything and that we do not care about the range or issue of work . The Chairperson : We have got the message about a number of issues , but we have not quite got the answers yet . However , I assure you that this Committee is particularly interested in the areas that you deal with . This is my opinion , and I will probably get leapt on because these people do not show me any respect at all , but you are probably at a lower , more grass roots level of engagement than just about any other grouping that we have dealt with , and we have dealt with good organisations that work in difficult situations . That has given us cause to think about matters . Thank you very much . We will think about how we can help you . We will certainly write the letters , and the Committee will deliberate . I am quite sure that you will also feature in the debate on NEETs . Ms Couser : We had a couple of no - shows . So , Joe , who is with us today , would like to step in . Again , that is typical of lifestyles : they are passionate about something , but something happens in their lives , and they could not get out of bed this morning . The Chairperson : Brilliant . I have a few questions to start you off before we have a wee chat . So , what do you think of it so far ? Are you bored to tears ? Mr Harry Dunn ( The Bytes Project ) : They put their point across properly about the budget needing to be there for the youth . I live in the Belfast Foyer as well as volunteer there , so I live with a lot of homeless people . So , I am technically homeless myself . The money needs to be there for those people so that they can be given the opportunity . I am 25 , so I am one of the oldest people in the place , but a lot of the kids that I live with have been kicked out of school . Some of them have gone through the prison system . Some of them are only 17 or 18 , and they are struggling . As soon as they get out of jail , they do not get any funding at all . The only place that helps them is Bytes . That is why they need that centre to be there . Mr Dunn : A lot of it did , yes , but there are other issues that can be brought across in a short time . Ronan was talking about the project in Glengormley . I am originally from Glengormley , and I have noticed that the interface in Glengormley has actually calmed down . I used to work in the centre of Glengormley for many years , and , walking through it , I saw that there was a riot every Friday and Saturday night , because there was nothing to do . They used to have each others ' mobile numbers , and they would text each other when they got enough drink in them to go and fight with each other . So , this actually is working . It is working with the other centres as well , given all the employability stuff that comes across . Even if people do only their level 2 , it gives them an idea that they are not worthless and that they have something to work towards . The Chairperson : I have let the time run on a wee bit , so I want everybody to have a chance to say their piece . We need to be short and sharp , because you have got to explain to some of the other folk around here . We will go to Carly next . Tell me what you think we should know . Ms Carly Richardson ( The Bytes Project ) : I am not one of the typical young people from Bytes . I left school with A levels and had the opportunity to go to university , but I did not get a place . Growing up , I always knew that Bytes was there , but just thought - Ms Richardson : I am from Tullycarnet . I always knew that it was there , but I just thought that it was the place that people went to use the computers when they did not have one . It was only when one day I was in doing some work experience in the community centre that Bytes is in that one of the development officers asked me to come in and have a chat with her . After that , when I left school I got involved with some of the different projects , and it really helped boost my self - esteem and confidence , because I was very quiet in school . I went to a grammar school and grew up in a housing estate . I was bullied in school because of where I lived , so getting involved in the cross - community projects , including making a few films on drug abuse and bullying , has really helped to give me the confidence to apply for jobs . I would have applied for jobs and just not heard back from them , or I would have gone for an interview and been so nervous that I could not speak to the employers . In the past year , I have secured a job and have actually been promoted in fewer than six months of being in the job . I have been offered the position of assistant manager , and I would not have been able to do it without the help from Bytes staff . Even those staff who do not work in my centre will ask me how I am getting on with my job . They need the funding to keep helping other young people . Mr Joe Ferris ( The Bytes Project ) : I just want to touch on what Ronan said about the issues surrounding interface violence in the Short Strand . I know that the group now present , which attends the Short Strand Bytes centre , would tend to be the ones who get involved and who end up getting themselves tied up in the interface violence when it comes around with the parades and stuff . I know that the two workers in Bytes in Short Strand - Paul and Natalie - are doing their utmost to keep them away from the interface violence . It is not only those two who do that ; the rest of the staff do the same . Ronan worked there before , and he does outreach work , and Phil is also involved . They all do it . It is good that funding has been made available for Saturday when a parade will be going past . Certain young people are getting taken away so that they do not get caught up and end up with a criminal record and then not have the opportunities in life that most people do . If they have a criminal record , they are not going to be able to go anywhere . Sammy spoke earlier about going to America . If you have a criminal record , you are not going to get in to some places . Those are the kinds of things that I wanted to touch on . The Chairperson : We will have a few more questions . We understand the issue ; we get the point about visas and passports . However , the question is this : do the people you are working with and know get it ? There are issues there . I want to get a few questions in . Ms Richardson : I have recently been involved in helping out as a peer volunteer . My brother was recently kicked out of school and referred to Bytes . So , I help him and his friends by trying to encourage them to get involved in different programmes . Ms Richardson : Yes . A lot of the ones who I know put the fact that they have a job down to Bytes , so they will always have a connection with it . They are thankful that it helped them , and they want to help others , especially because they know a lot of the young people who are still involved in Bytes centres in the community . Those young people are slightly younger than them , and they do not want them to be taken by the different things going on in the community , such as drugs and violence . Mr Ferris : I go in and help out . I have three jobs at the minute , and I know that that is down to what Bytes has given me . My qualifications in ICT , first aid and all the rest , and my self - confidence are down to Bytes . As I said in my presentation , Bytes needed a young person to apply for funding , so I applied for the 02 Think Big funding . We got £ 300 and organised a programme based on the ' Come Dine with Me ' format . Ten young people took part , and it was very successful . We now have the chance to get £ 2 , 500 from thinkBigger ! for the same programme , only it is a bigger step up . Mr McElduff : My question is probably for Harry , because it is about the homeless dimension . I am particularly interested in the impact of the Bytes Project on homeless young people . You said that you were technically homeless and that others are homeless . What is the difference ? Mr Dunn : Some people become homeless because their families have kicked them out . However , I became homeless because of a relationship breakdown and arguments with my family . When I was kicked out of my house , I had a job , but I lost it because I became homeless . When the Housing Executive views a case , it will say that you are intentionally homeless , so you will not get any points . That is the difference . If you are living on the street and you ask the Housing Executive what you should do , you find that the support is not there . Unless you go and resource it yourself , you have nothing . Where I am now , the Foyer , is in my opinion one of the best hostels in Belfast , and part of the reason for that is that the Bytes Project is there and runs essential skills programmes . I have done a few employability courses . For example , I have just finished level 2 in my youth work training . I was able to do all that because the Bytes Project is at the centre . I would not have known about Bytes had it not been there . Even some of the people I live with have moved out and still come back to do different programmes , because they know that the help is there . Mr Allister : We are obviously all beneath comment . [ Laughter . ] The Chairperson : Just to wrap it up , you are up here in Parliament Buildings , but have you ever been here before ? Mr Dunn : Pretty much ; he is a bit shifty on it . [ Laughter . ] The Chairperson : What do you think about your experience here ? Is this a good thing for you to do ? Do you think that you are getting your point of view across ? Ms Gildernew : SF ? The Sinn Féin programme ? Very good . [ Laughter . ] The Chairperson : I was intimidated , but it was very good . We will finish here ; we have run on . The Chairperson : We have run on , and the departmental officials will kill me when I bring them to the table . I am using the royal " we " or the collective " we " - whatever " we " it is , I am talking on behalf of the Committee . There is a genuine desire from people on all sides of the table to really understand the reality . The Committee is particularly connected on this issue . We really do want to understand and see what we can do to help . We know that resources are tight everywhere . Everybody has a good story - that is just the nature of the world - but it seems that we need to do something to raise the really difficult issues that you are trying to deal with . I do not know whether you know this , but we as a Committee are sort of on life support ; we do not know whether we exist or not . The Chairperson : That is why we have a certain amount of empathy . If time permits , some of us , or perhaps the whole Committee , would like to see what you are doing in reality . We would like to see whether we can up the level of interest in the issue . We will certainly be writing letters about this , and we will let you know how we get on . We will send a copy of the Hansard report to the Minister for his attention . Thank you all very much . We are more than happy to hear from you again ; do not think that this is the end of the conversation . If you think of anything that we should know about , just let us know .
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Hi , I ended up with Flu so bad that I didn 't get out of bed for 2 days and it sucked . I went to work on the Wednesday and worked till 1pm and just had to go home , then I came in to work on the Thursday and by the afternoon I was a zombie . I hadn 't slept the night before , coughing and throwing up , absolutely no appetite for two days and by 3pm on Thursday I told my boss I was going home . I went straight to bed and on Friday morning the Flu had hit hardest . I rang my boss at 06 : 45 just barely speaking and spent the rest of the day in bed . My son Ross was really good , he panicked when he woke up about 8 . 30am because he noticed I was still in bed and said ' Mum , your gonna be late for work ' but I told him I was rough . He then brought me up drinks through the day , tidied up and by 3 : 30pm I got up and came downstairs . I spent an hour or two downstairs , no appetite and I couldn 't even take Tammie out for her walk which I felt really bad for her . I then went back upstairs because I had the terrible chills and stayed in my dressing gown and thick socks and went back to sleep . Saturday morning came along and I felt so rough and was crying ( I know so stupid of me ) but I felt so miserable and low . I wanted to see Frank because it was the first weekend neither of us were working and I couldn 't go out . I just didn 't have any energy for anything . I had the shakes because I had not eaten for almost 3 days now and tried a bit of toast but that started me coughing and the toast came back again . I spent most of the day in my pj 's and just could not focus on any of my crafts . I had to get Frank 's scarf finished and was hoping to pick it up on Sunday . Sunday came and went in a blur and I did go back to work on the Monday . I honestly needed a week off work but not getting sick pay , I just couldn 't afford to be off . I managed to get some knitting done on Monday evening and by Tuesday night I had finished Frank 's scarf . Here 's a picture of it . I wanted an easy and quick scarf to knit that involved a two tone effect so I used some black and a greyish acrylic and casted on 400 stitches . I knit every row and changed colour every row leaving a length of yarn for tassels . I ended up doing 20 rows to complete it and then just trimmed the tassels to the same length and wrapped it up . On Christmas Eve I went to work still not feeling that great and thought I would get out early but unfortunately , stress levels were so ridiculous and I promised myself that next year I am not working Christmas Eve . Every year it gets ruined by the stress at work so if I am still working there next year , I may have to re - think it . I eventually got out at 4pm and went straight home . Frank had been waiting for me at Dagenham Heathway and we went back to the house , got Tammie and my clothes and went to his Mum 's for four days . It was absolutely brilliant . His Mum wouldn 't let me do anything and I felt guilty but it was so nice to relax and to be with Frank . We ate loads , got loads of presents and I will be showing them on my new year post , and on Boxing Day we went for a walk to Oxleas Wood right near Shooter 's Hill , Greenwich . The first two pictures were taken about half way through , the colours of the leaves on the floor and the colours of the trees were breath taking . I just love walking through areas where you can hear the birds and just enjoying the peace and quiet . We were chatting about different things , and people walking past were saying ' good morning ' which was really nice . No way would that happen in Dagenham ! ! The picture below is at the top of a hill and you can see for miles and miles . It was so cold and Frank knew there was a tea hut so we got a hot chocolate and coffee and just looked at the view . I wish we could have stayed there for hours but it was getting rather nippy so we headed off to see a castle that is hidden . The next photo is of a tree that Frank call 's ' The Ghost Tree ' and you can see why . It look 's lonely to me and I guess it must look better when the springtime comes but if you look close enough you can see faces . Can you spot the green parrot on the left side of the tree at the bottom . He 's got his back to us . We then came across Severndroog Castle and it is small and has had a lot of refurbishment done to it . Frank read the sign outside the gate and it actually has a tea room that is open from end of January so that might be another place to try . Here 's a few pictures of it . . . That 's it for now . I will be posting pictures of my pressie 's in the New Year so for now , I am going to leave you with a photo of Jane , one of Ma 's jack russell dogs who would not get out of bed . Don 't be fooled by those innocent eyes . . . I haven 't got anything to show for this podcast as far as knitting or crochet goes , in fact , I haven 't done much crafts at all . I 've been feeling rough and low and lost enthusiasm for it all . I haven 't even bothered with Christmas Decoration 's at home either which will be the first time ever . Tammie had a check up yesterday at the vets and she is doing well . She is still on her tablets but has reduced them slightly , her weight is fine but I have got to find a lot of money to get her teeth done as soon as possible . She has bad teeth and loose teeth and although it doesn 't seem to effect her eating , it will give her a better quality of life if she has it done . I treated her to a new toy when we were waiting to be seen and she loves it , here it is . . . Hi , I 'm sorry I haven 't posted on here . I have been really busy what with work , overtime and just trying to relax in the evening . The dark mornings and early dark nights have not helped with the routine of the day but ( touch wood ) , I am kicking myself up the arse most of the time and just trying to get on . I have worn my Dragonflies Hat and it 's definetely not a winter hat . More like a springtime or autumn hat . It 's slightly stretched a bit so I am worried if it rains how much longer it will get . Anyway , it 's done and that 's the main thing . I also started and finished within 24 hours another toy which is the pink bunny . Here is a photo of her and she is all wrapped as a present for Lilly . I am now off to see what I can make next because trust me . . . the tv at night is so boring I end up going to bed with the lamp on around 8pm and just knit , crochet or look at my craft books . Thanks for reading . . . . After completing my recent hat I decided I really wanted a green one too and I saw Kay from Bakery Bear Podcast had knitted this Dragonflies Hat . I don 't have much experience with Lace knitting but I bought the pattern from Ravelry and thought , ' yeah I can do that ' . After a little bit of frogging at the beginning I kept with it and then decided after the first pattern repeat that I had had enough of the lace . It felt like I was under tension to get it right and the fingers on my left hand were getting ' fixed ' after a few rows so I decided to not repeat the pattern and just knit a few simple stocking stitch rows and then do the crown . I am really pleased with it . I used Rowan Creative Linen and only used just over half a skein which is brilliant . The hat cover 's my ears and is not slouchy at the back so I am going to either make another one in a different design or knit a matching scarf or cowl to go with it . I started a pair of Regia socks for my son Ross who has a size 10 - 11 foot . He has wide feet and I wound up a 100g ball into two 50gs and started from the toe up . I did my own kind of design in as much as I did the provisional toe up and will keep knitting until it is 10 inches for the foot and then I will do a sweet tomatoe heel which is the best heel around . I then hope there 's enough yarn to knit a nice length cuff . Here 's a photo of the progress so far . . . . . It 's been a typical week all round and i worked today as a cleaner so I can earn some extra pennies for Christmas . I came home about 4pm , took Tammie out for a walk while the rain had stopped and then did some housework . I then coloured my hair again and finished off some knitting . So now I am going to watch a podcast and hope that Sunday brings me a happy day for us all . I thought I was going to have a nice weekend after having such a terrible week but alas , no . I am beginning to feel like I 've got a big massive cloud of emotions above my house at the moment and I don 't know when and if it will ever clear . I have decided that as much as I love Christmas , I am not going to celebrate this year . I just pray that when New Year comes , the cloud will have left and I can start being my normal self . In the meantime , I have spent most evenings watching knitting podcasts and obviously , knitting . I started a project a few days ago called ' Capucine ' on ravelry . com and I got my Mirasol Api yarn out to give it a try . It 's so soft and squishy and am really glad I carried on with it . Here is a photo of it . . . . It fit 's really nice and cover 's my ears which is what I wanted it to do . I have already started another project last night called ' Dragonflies ' Hat and I am using the Rowan Creative Linen in a gorgeous green colour . I will post a picture of it 's progress here . . The pattern does involve some lace which I am a little concerned over how I am going to manage with it . I will certainly give it a go because I just love the hat design . I can just see me wearing it with my green waterproof coat when the really bad weather comes . The progress on my Ross 365 blanket is going very slowly . I try to do a couple of rows a day and am on my 16th row . I won 't be able to take it to work with me now because it is rather awkward and cumbersome to carry various balls of yarn with me . That 's one of the reasons I started the Dragonflies Hat because at least it will fit in my bag . I also intend to make a start on some more toys soon and am just deciding whether to knit them or crochet them . Oh well , I 'm off now to try and keep busy . I might have a go at making some cake 's today but will see how the day pan 's out . Have a good week everyone and I will leave you with a photo of my baby girl who I adore . . . xxx I am back on blogger for now , I 'm trying to keep a normal routine and most nights I do my crafts , walk Tammie and do some housework . However , Saturday Frank and I went to London for a few hours and we walked around Oxford Street which was absolutely jammed packed with crowds . I am going to avoid it when Christmas get 's nearer . We were walking around spending more time trying to avoid people bashing into us and I was getting rather irritable inside so we started to head our way back to the train station when we noticed the traffic had disappeared . Frank looked down the road and saw some flashing blue lights and policemen on motor bikes and then we heard some shouting but it wasn 't shouting . . . it was these guys doing a half marathon for Help the Hero 's . Apparently they are Paratroop 's and their front man was shouting encouragement to them . . . . That was yesterday and I came home and spent the rest of the day alone with Tammie feeling quite low . I spent the evening crocheting another panel of the Tunisian Blanket which is a gift for Tracy and then I went upstairs to bed about 9pm but couldn 't get to sleep so I ended up sitting on the edge of my bed knitting until my neck started aching . Ross ( my son ) hadn 't come home yet so I just turned the light off and waited for sleep to arrive . Mind you , I never hear him come in or go up to bed and as long as I don 't get woken up or come downstairs in the morning to a mess , he 's really no bother . Today is Sunday and my eldest son came round for a while and we had a cuppa together and a nice chat . I told him I 'm not bothering with Christmas this year and he was ok with that so all I am doing is giving some money to my family . To be honest , I will be glad to see the back of 2014 and hope that 2015 start 's positively for everyone that i love and care about . We went to see the poppies today and oh boy , it looks spectacular . The crowds of people that were there was amazing . Here are photo 's that Frank took and will leave you with them . . . . . Am off work for Annual Leave and it 's been crap week of bad weather , cold and dull . The rain fall we had yesterday ( Monday ) was non stop and ended up staying indoors . I am so tempted to put the central heating on but trying to avoid it . Instead I put a cardigan on and / or a blanket . I had to decide how to do the mitten part so I thought the best way of doing it is to start a pair of toe up socks using Turkish Cast On and then stop knitting until it is big enough for the tops of fingers . I sewed it onto the glove and am rather pleased with it . I have wet blocked it and hopefully wont have to put a button on to hold the mitten back . Last night was rather a sad and worrying evening and I spent most of it doing my crafts . I sorted out the odd balls of acrylic yarn I have and there is a lot . I put it into a large bag and have got it sitting by my chair . . . possibly with the intention that it will become a blanket . I then settled down with a coffee and started crocheting a teacosy . . . . it 's from an old craft magazine . Here 's a photo of the magazine and my cosy that I made . It 's a little big and I still have to get a pompom for the top . We popped to Southend on Sea yesterday for a few hours . Only because the weather man said Sunday was going to be a wet day but Saturday would be nice . They got that wrong because by lunch time , the rain arrived and was rather gusty and chilly . Mind you , it was so peaceful walking along the beach and listening to the waves . Here 's a couple of pictures that just say . . . ' relax ' , I have knitted about 90 % of my blanket that I am designing . I now just have the final strip to knit of the Knotted Cable . I won 't show a picture yet until it 's finished . I had a bit of a dilema too because I had ran out of yarn for it and couldn 't get it anywhere on the net matching the shade and dye number . I ended up going in my local yarn shop which I try to avoid and he had it there so I just bought it quick and walked out . It 's progressing slowly because unfortunately , I work full time and would much rather be designing at home than going to work . However , it pays the bills for now so I just have to put up with it . It took me ages to think of a nice name for the design and it occurred to me whilst not sleeping very well that I should keep it a simple name for people to remember . That is why I came up with Cable & Cream . I said to Frank that I wanted to stay home today so I pottered about this morning doing the mundane housework tasks while Frank started pruning and tidying in the back garden and then my son popped over to see me . We had a chat and a cuppa and then he was telling me about what is expected of his third year at Uni . He seem 's quite confident about it and I am so proud of his achievements and sensible thinking . He then went off to meet his partner and I cooked an early dinner . We have just got back from walking Tammie over the park and am now relaxing writing this post . Frank is reading , there 's nothing on the tv and I decided I am going to spend an hour doing some more knitting and then am going to have a go at making a swiss roll . Never done it before , so watch this space . We was up and out by 9am today and got the District Line Train to Mile End . Then we got the Hammersmith & City Line to Baker Street . We turned left and walked along past the Statue of Sherlock Holmes . . We then walked a few more minutes through a crowd of people queueing up and then we realised what it was . . . . . Madam Tussauds . The green globe is the best picture I could get We crossed the road and walked down past Madam Tussauds and then turned left down York Road where the Academy of Music is on the right . After a few minutes you are completely away from all the noise of the traffic and it feel 's like your in a village . There is a small bridge you walk over and this is the sight of the lake . . . the green is not a road , it 's duck weed but the ducks don 't seem to be bothered with it . It 's such a lovely photo . . . . . . . . We kept walking along and then entered a small part where there were tennis courts and a small cafe . We came to the map of Regents Park and it 's amazing how big it all is . You just could not see it all in one day and we only went around a tiny bit . Here are some of the photos that I took and it 's just lovely . After about an hour we stopped off at a small coffee hut and had a blueberry muffin and coffee which was over £ 8 but , it was well worth it . The photo directly above is the view from where we were sitting to eat our snack . It reminded me of Greenwich Park a bit . We sat there for quite a while watching people walk past , dogs running around chasing the squirrels and the birds chirping . There was a lot of American visitors too , and tons of joggers . I just wish I had my knitting because I could have stayed there for hours . After half an hour we started walking again and walked out of the park to a sign that said Camden . It is so nice the part we were in . There were little boutiques and trendy shops . It didn 't feel like London at all . However , after about 10 minutes it then got a bit more crazy and crowds of people so we hopped on the Northern Line to Waterloo Station where we went into Lower Marsh Street and my favourite yarn shop , I Knit , London . Now because it is our long weekend we decided to go to our favourite restaurant called Ecco which is a few shops from I Knit and let me tell you something . If you want a 11 " vegetarian pizza that is so tasty that even I ate a whole one to myself , then you really need to go there . The pizza was £ 5 . 50 each and we had a black coffee and I had a cola . Well worth the £ 14 because I couldn 't eat anything else for the rest of the day . I only used about 25g from a 50g ball of acrylic yarn that I bought from Wilkinson Store at Heathway , Dagenham . I always get a bit frustrated when positioning the limbs and I am really happy with the position of the arms however , the amount of times I positioned the legs and it looked ok which was then completely changed because after sewing on the 2nd one , it didn 't look right . I got fed up with it in the end and Frank said it looked ok so I decided to just leave it at that . I also had a bit of a surprise the past week . I am a member of a knitting group on facebook where you post pictures of your current knitting projects or completed projects ( just to show off really ) . Anyway , I am currently designing a blanket for a cot and I posted this picture of it on to the groups page . . . . . . just to see what feedback I might get . Well , within a few days I had over 360 hits and around 60 comments . Some of which are wanting the pattern . . so I have been frantically knitting away and writing the pattern as I go to get it done . I was about half way completed on Wednesday this week but realised I made an error and had to frog it back to which I said a few ' curse ' words . However , I kept saying to myself ' if your going to take designing seriously , you need to do it properly ' . Today is Friday and it 's 6 : 30pm and I am still trying to get more progress on it . I only wish I didn 't have to do the mundane tasks of going to work and housework , then I might get more things designed . Oh well , I guess I should get off this computer and get some more done . I noticed Episode 10 is ready now of the Bakery Bear Podcast so am going to enjoy that until my Gardeners World comes on channel BBC2 . Then it will be off to bed to read some of my John Grisham book .
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Friday - I finally felt a tooth coming through the bottom gums after Alexis had clearly been teething for a few days . I also noticed that she had a stuffy nose which I attributed to the tooth . She slept a bit restlessly but again - tooth . Saturday - She was more stuffy and congested and sneezing so I was still thinking tooth but I also began to think maybe it was a cold . She wasn 't napping well all day and I had a very hard time getting her to sleep . She was so congested that she kept waking herself up . I used saline drops and the nasal aspirator several times and she finally fell asleep but only for a few hours then woke up and I did it again . She didn 't sleep very long so I went and got her and brought her into bed and she fell asleep but was restless and I don 't sleep well b / c I 'm so conscious of her being there . Sunday - we drop Marc off at the airport for his trip to Dallas and head to my mom 's house . I was hoping Alexis would nap in the car b / c she hadn 't slept well but no such luck . At this point it 's clear that she has a cold . I had managed to avoid her getting a cold for 6 months but it finally happened . So she was in good spirits and smiling and laughing and acting happy but sneezing and sniffling and not really being able to breathe . She went on some errands with my mom and I and we all went to lunch to celebrate my grandparents 58th wedding anniversary . She napped for a little in the afternoon but I could tell she just wasn 't herself . Then nighttime came . I had a feeling it would be a bad night b / c the night before was pretty bad and she had gotten worse so I was prepared . She drank her bottle and then fell asleep while I was holding her . I went and put her in her crib as usual and left . A few minutes later she starts crying . I go in and clear out her nose and she falls asleep . Not for long . 15 minutes later she 's awake again . I can hear that she is so stuffed up she just can 't breathe through her nose at all and she just doesn 't know what to do . I pick her up and bring her downstairs . She is miserable . She keeps closing her eyes and putting her head on my shoulder but then she starts crying b / c she can 't breathe . It was awful . By this point she has also developed a cough . My parents are both downstairs with me and we 're taking turns trying to soothe her and walk around with her but nothing is helping and she is just getting more hysterical b / c she wants to sleep so badly . I decided to call the Dr after hours line to see if there is anything at all I can give her to help . They call me back and they said to get a humidifier but that 's all that we can do . So it 's after 11 by now my mom and I put her in the car and go to the 24 hour walgreens . After a few minutes of driving she falls asleep - I think the heat and humidity of being outside helped clear her out enough to fall asleep . I get thMonday - I had her 6mo well visit appt that day which I was happy about . My grandmother comes with me . Good news . She 's doing very well . She 's exactly where she should be developmentally Dr says she 's strong and will probably start crawling soon . 18lbs ( 75 % ) and 26in ( 50 % ) . Bad news in addition to the cold she has an ear infection . Lovely . So we get antibiotics . We head home and she naps on and off . Dr says we can use a little bit of Vicks on her chest at night and to buy Vapor Bath from Johnson 's that will help clear her out a bit . I do all of those things but she is still miserable and I think she had gotten worse . Same thing at night she was so so tired but could not fall asleep . We put the Vicks on her chest and it cleared her up enough to fall asleep . We decided to keep her elevated and I put her in the swing and I slept on the couch . I again was barely able to sleep b / c of her sniffling and coughing and moving and making noises . I dozed on and off until 3 when she started crying and wanted out of the swing . I picked her and she fell asleep on me and we " slept " like that until 6 : 30 when my mom came and got her and let me sleep for an hour in bed . Tuesday - More of the same except now the cough is getting worse and she has a low grade fever and her tummy is bothering her a little from the antibiotics . Napping is sporadic and she 's not drinking all her milk b / c it 's hard to swallow when you can 't breathe through your nose . Towards the end of the day I start hearing a wheezing when she breathes . At first I think it 's from the congestion but the more I hear it the more it 's definitely a wheeze . Growing up with a father with asthma I 'm familiar with that sound and just hoping its not what I think it is . My dad gets home from work and listens and he hears it too same with my mom . My aunt comes by to visit and she hears the wheezing as well . She 's not short of breath so I 'm not thinking of going to the hospital but I call the after hours # for her Dr . They said as long as she 's not short of breath to take her to the Dr the next morning , otherwise she needs to go to the ER . And to keep her upright . Ok , so sleeping was more of the same . She finally fell asleep and my mom says she will take the first shift since she 's not working the next day . Neither of us wants to put her down b / c we were so nervous about her breathing . My mom sleeps with her on the couch while I go up to bed . I was able to sleep for 4 hours then it was my turn and I held Alexis the rest of the night . Wednesday - I still hear her wheezing so I call the Dr and they said to bring her in . My mom and I go to the Dr and she hears the wheeze also . She says asthma is genetic and in addition to my dad having it , my mom did when she was little . Great . So the Dr says some babies wheeze like that one time and never again but this could be asthma and we need to watch her . They give her a nebulizer treatment in the office and send us home with a prescription and to do it 3 times a day . Alexis is able to take almost a 2 hour nap thankfully b / c she needed it . The rest of the day is about the same - congestion , coughing , sniffling , whimpering , wheezing . She is still smiling and in a generally good mood most of the time though which is good but I just feel so bad for her . So she is still wheezing at night and had some of the same issues getting to sleep . Once she does , I put her in her swing and lie down on the couch . She was restless so I knew she wouldn 't last . She woke up after a couple hours around midnight . I held her until she was asleep again and then I decided to try and put her in her new bouncy that I just bought ( newborn to toddler rocker b / c she outgrew the other one ) I recline it back to the newborn position and she seems comfy . I put it right next to the couch . She was able to sleep there fairly well . She woke up a few times and I was able to soothe her back to sleep . My mom switched with me at 4am and i went up to bed until 7am when she needed to get ready for work . Thursday - no news to report yet . She 's napping . 2 hours and counting . She is obviously tired I am just keeping my fingers crossed that she improves . She was coughing a lot when she woke up and still very stuffy . Marc comes home tonight and we go home . In case you 're counting I have now not slept for 5 nights in a row . I am exhausted . My eyes are bloodshot . This is why I haven 't had the energy for the internet in days . ( Baby ) Alexis is 6 months old today ! It 's crazy ! I can 't believe half a year has gone by so quickly since she was born . She is such a little person now and not just a blob . She does things and changes every day . She knows me . So , what is she doing now ? She rolls over from her back to her belly constantly , but still does not roll the other way . She is trying to get up on all 4s , so I assume crawling is not too far away . She is really good at sitting up and can play with her toys while she sits . She reaches out to me to pick her up . She sat up in the shopping cart at Publix which was huge for me b / c now I can do groceries with her and not have the car seat in the cart ! She babbles all the time . She reaches for toys - and everything else . ( bored , Hurricane , storm ) I really have nothing to say . I have no motivation . If it wasn 't for Alexis , I don 't think I would get out of bed ! I love storms . Growing up in Miami , I 've had my fair share of hurricanes and tropical storms . The worst being Andrew and that I don 't love . But storms like Fay , just wind and rain are great . I could sit by my window and watch the trees blow for hours . As long as the storm is not bad enough that I need to either A ) put up shutters or B ) lose power I 'm happy . ( Books , poll , reading ) From the National Endowment for the Arts . I C & P 'd this from my friend CaneWife 's Blog . The NEA estimates that the average adult has read only six of the following books . 1 . Look at the list and bold the ones you have read 2 . Italicize those you intend to read First , today marks the 3 year anniversary of my and marc 's engagement . We got married exactly 9 months later - to the day . I can 't believe it 's been 3 years and how much has changed in that time ! ! This is one of our " engagement " pics . It was taken the night of our rehearsal b / c we never did them earlier , but it 's one of my faves of he and I . Plus I get to see how skinny I was then ! ! ! ! I don 't know about you , but I have been staying up way past my bedtime lately to watch the olympics . I 've been going to bed around midnight every night ! ! Usually I try to be in bed by 10 : 30 , asleep by 11 . I 'm tired . It 's worth it and I love watching every minute of it , but boy is it exhasusting ! ! ! I 'm sure next week I won 't be up quite as late , once the swimming and gymnastics are over b / c those are my 2 favorite sports to watch . When Alexis wakes up in the morning , I struggle to drag myself out of bed to go get her ! Oh , well , it 's only every 4 years , right ! ? ! ( Baby , Parenting ) Was it when I was pregnant ? When Alexis was born ? Or some other time ? Well , I guess technically I was a mom when I got pregnant , when I started doing things for the yet - to - be known human growing inside me . I changed the way I ate , what i drank , medicines I took , and I was always a bit more careful with my actions . Once I found out I was having a girl , I was able to connect more and really begin to " see " the baby . Then when Alexis was born and it was a real baby , a baby I could hold then I really was a mom . I had to sign papers that said so ! But I really think it happened later than that . The first few weeks are crazy . I had no idea what I was doing . I was feeding and changing like I was supposed to . I would pick her up when she cried , but I really didn 't know what to do . I had no confidence , when she cried I had no idea why she was crying , I was guessing . She thrived and got bigger and did what she was supposed to be doing so I guess I was doing things right . But boy I was not sure back then . I could not look on that time with the perspective I have now and think it will get better , things aren 't always this crazy . So , recently I realized that I 'm a mom . I know what I 'm doing . I 'm confident in my decisions . I have gotten Alexis to sleep through the nigth sucessfully . I have gotten her moved to her crib from her bassinet and I got her to nap in her crib when previously she would only nap in her swing . I make decisions based on my knowledge of my daughter . I don 't feel like I need to ask my mom / friends for their approval on whether I 'm doing things right . Not that I don 't still ask b / c I still like having advice from those who have been there . I know what I 'm doing is right . When Alexis cries these days , I can * usually * tell why - hunger , tiredness , grouchiness , etc . Not always of course , but more often than not . Alexis has become a central part of my life and I can 't remember before she was around ! Now , I feel like I 'm a mom , not just someone with a baby . She knows me , looks for me when I 'm not around . I 'm sure it 's different for everyone , I 'm sure there are some who feel like the minute they find out they 're pregnant . But for me , while I loved her from the moment I knew she existed , I didn 't feel like mom until later ! Anyway , I made pork fried rice and pot stickers and I got some frozen spring rolls also . The fried rice is something I 've made a bunch of times and its pretty easy . Make white rice per your usual method . I have a rice cooker so I used that . I made 3 cups of rice so that I would have left over b / c its yummy ! ! If you have a wok , use that otherwise any deep and wide sautee pan will do . Pour oil into the wok , just enough to coat the bottom and scramble some eggs . I used 5 , but whatever works . No liquid in the egg , just beat them lightly and pour them in . When they 're cooked , remove them from the pan . Next cut whatever meat you 're using ( if any ) into cubes pre - cooked . Pour a bit more oil into the pan and add the meat , cook until slightly brown , then add chopped scallions and whatever other veggies you like - water chestnuts , bean sprouts , etc . Cook for a few minutes until wilted . Add 2 teaspoons ( ish ) of ground ginger and a few splashes of soy sauce and let it cook until combined . Remove from pan and set aside . Add the cooked rice to the pan and break it up then add all the pre - cooked ingredients - eggs , veggies , meat and stir to combine . Add soy sauce until desired color and taste are reached and allow to cook over low heat for 5 - 10 minutes for flavors to combine . Easy . Pot stickers were new for me , but my dad had made them so I asked him . Cut up cooked pork and pulse in food processor until its in small pieces but not pulverized . Chop mushrooms very fine - I used Baby Bellas but you can use anything - Shitake , white , whatever . Also chop scallions very very small . Combine the pork , mushrooms , & scallions in a bowl and mix together . Add minced garlic - 2 cloves , about a teaspoon of ground ginger and a splash of soy sauce . Add S & P to taste . You need wonton wrappers for this , small squares . Place a spoonful of the mixture in the center , wet the outside of the wrapper and fold the 2 corners together and press the sides firmly to seal . Repeat until you use all the mixture . In your largest sautee pan , put oil to coat the bottom and turn the heat on to medium . Once the oil is hot , add the pot stickers in a single layer , flip once after they have begun to brown slightly . Add enough water to the pan to come up just to the bottom of the pot stickers and cover the pan . Turn the heat to low - medium and allow to cook until the water has steamed off . Thats it ! 2 easy and yummy Chinese dishes ! ! I don 't measure when I cook , I eyeball so all measurements are approximate . The good thing about this meal is that it 's even better left over so make you make enough to last for more than one meal ! ! First , I 've been giving Alexis baby food . I started out with fruits . Bananas then Applesauce . She tolerated them but didn 't like them , she would shiver a few times and make faces . I gave them each for 4 days and she really didn 't get much better . I had a feeling they were too sweet for her . I switched to the veggies - sweet potatoes and carrots . She loved them ! Both of them ! ! She would open up her mouth big and wait for more . They were a huge success . I figured I would switch to sweet peas so she could get a different color - they were gross ! They smell like puke , I couldn 't smell them , I had to have the bowl next to me . Ick ! She didn 't like them at all . She made awful faces and shivered and shook and spit it out . I couldn 't blame her , the stuff was disgusting . After about 3 spoonfuls , I decided I would not torture my daughter like that and I switched to pears . Those were a hit . She loved the pears ! ! I may try and make my own peas and see how she likes those . I can 't wait to get through all the stage 1 flavors so that I can then experiment with making my own baby food ! I 'm excited about that ! ! Next , I think will be peaches then green beans and we 're done ! Now , me . I hit a major milestone - 20 pounds ! ! ! Yay ! ! ! ! I am definitely not losing as quickly as I was at first , but I 'm also not being as strict with the diet as I was . I am still going down so I 'm thrilled . But I still have 10 pounds to go . This weekend we added hardware to our kitchen cabinets . They never had them . The cabinets were the kind that could be opened without a handle but there were many times that my hand slipped and I chipped a nail . So they were needed . We installed them ourselves - I did the measuring and marking and Marc did the drilling . I think they came out great ! I am really happy with how they look . Also in the kitchen , we bought a garbage can that goes in the cabinets and slides out so that 's one less thing that needs to be out making it look cluttered . We also changes the knobs in our bathroom and the guest bathroom . I don 't have pictures of those but we replaced the plastic ones that were the same color as the cabinets with nice chrome ones that have some detail on them . Not a huge change but a nice one . Along the bathroom front , we very badly needed to organize the area under the sink and the catch - all drawer in our bathroom . I went through and got rid of junk a couple weeks ago but we still needed something for organizational purposes . We went to The Container Store ( one of my favorite places ) and got these really neat Rubbermaid storage bins that you screw to the bottom of the cabinet and they slide in and out and they 're stackable . So , now I can slide it out and grab all my stuff instead of having to bend down and reach all the way to the back . Very innovative ! Ok , cheesy I know but that 's how I feel ! ! ! ! ! I love George Michael , I am a HUGE fan . I truly never thought that I would get to see him live b / c I didn 't think he 'd tour in the US again . I am so glad that I got to see him , he was amazing . He sounded great and he looked great ! I knew all but 1 song and sang along to all of them ! Hearing some of the oldies from Wham ! like Everything She Wants and Careless Whispers was great and then he sang songs from all his solo albums , including Faith , Father Figure , Freedom ' 90 , Spinning the Wheel , FastLove , Too Funky , and Amazing . One song after another was greeted with cheers from the almost sold - out crowd . I went with 2 other huge fans - my BFF and my aunt and our 3 hubbies , not huge fans but they went along with us anyways and were good sports , I think they even enjoyed the show , they just didn 't know the music . The big screen behind him was filled with images from music videos and other graphics . The videos were great b / c they brought me right back to where I was so long ago watching them on MTV !
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As it turns out , I had to fly to JB for a forum . My trip was confirmed 24 hours before my flight . I didn 't know much about my schedule but I knew that I have to be there by 10am where I have an interview with the vc and the actual event starts at 2pm . I dozed off now and then but by the time ramblinging sent me back to the hotel at around 1 . 40am and I cleaned up before going to bed , I was wide awake ! ! I actually had to force myself to sleep . I think I must have fallen asleep by 2 . 30am . But not before setting the alarm for 6 . 30am , of course . But I was awoken five minutes before the alarm rang by a phone call from my husband . He was telling me that my $ $ is in and he has paid my credit card bills for me . Yes , at 6 . 30am ! ! So yeah , I managed four hours of sleep and did some interviews before I left for the airport at 2 . 30pm . Just when I thought that I could just check in and chill … I found out that my flight had been wrongly booked . Instead of flying back on Friday afternoon , the organiser had wrongly booked my ticket for THURSDAY afternoon . I can 't believe I didn 't check my flight details properly ! I could have saved a lot of hassle if I had paid closer attention to it . But I guess I was also expecting everything to be taken care of for me . I mean , if the organiser had wanted me to just have a day trip , then they wouldn 't have booked a room for me at Puteri PP , right ? But what 's important is that I managed to come back as planned . But I still have to write a formal letter for a refund . I have to check with Sab _ ri for suggestions on how to word the letter . There is this new karaoke place in SA on the topmost floor of a nearby hotel . I promise you it 's not dodgy . In fact it 's quite clean as it is relatively new . It 's arguably one of the cheapest joints I have been to . If you are ever in town , do drop by . I mean , where else can you sing your heart out for only RM25 for TWO hours ? I recently discovered N00dle Stati0n . Its speciality is of course noodles but it serves Malaysianised Western food and goreng - goreng as well . But what got me hooked to the eatery is the more than two dozen types of hot and cold beverages on the menu . I recommend this one drink which is blue in colour and tastes like tasty cough syrup 🙂 Everything there is about RM6 . Western food is slightly more expensive . The drinks , on the other hand , are rather pricey . They are also priced at RM6 . But they come in tall glasses , so you can share the drink and split the cost . I 've been to Hanoi before ( last year ) and was quite excited when I was sent to follow a group of 60 + college students on a study tour there . I really had fun because I had good company . We visited a local orphanage , did some sight - seeing around the city , visited local tertiary institutions , interacted with local students , shopped and tasted local delicacies . I was proud of myself for being brave enough to try the local street food ( equivalent to our gerai ) . It 's a pretty big deal for someone who is so anal about getting food poisoning ( excuse the pun ) . When the host asked me if I 'd like to try the local food , I had to grin and bare it . I don 't feel good about forcing everyone to follow my dietary regime . I know we 're supposed to follow our guts but in this case , I refuse to let my gut rule my life . I didn 't regret my decision at all . The grilled fish we had was so tasty and sweet and I loved the way they cooked the kangkong . Sedap ! I joined this online book swapping club called BookMooch recently . I sent two books to Singapore and Spain and have received two books so far from Spore . These are books that I have been meaning to buy but couldn 't afford - despite having book allowance . Well , you have to have some dough to buy the books before you can claim , right ? Anyway , I 'm happy that I got these books for free . I only spent about RM20 in stamps to send my two almost brand new books . I 'm glad to report that my two recipients were happy with the condition of the books . These include my two tops , handbag and necklaces which I wear to death . I 'm itching to make new purchases online . I saw a few nice tops and a pair of pants on cososo which I may just get . Free postage mah ! I 'm sure I did a lot more than this but I can 't really remember . Besides , I 'm kinda tired . Till next time neh … There were nine of us from Msia - 3 media reps , 3 moe reps , 2 ms reps and 1 teacher / quarter - finalist . Most of us had only met for the first time at the airport . Having gone for the regional event in Hanoi in April , I was already familiar with the 2 MS reps and teacher . It turned out that one of the media reps was formerly from BH in JB ( hansolo , I 'm sure you know who she is because she left the company a few months ago to work in KL ) . We had met each other perhaps a couple of years back but both of us couldn 't remember what assignment or occasion it was . We became fast friends anyway . We left Msia at about 9 . 30am . That meant leaving the house at about 6 . 15am to check in by 7 . 30am . I had omellette and watched Baby Mama on the plane . I really recommend this movie because it is funny as h3ll ! ! I laughed and cried watching this movie - the guy sitting next to me probably thought I was crazy . If you 're into spoilers , read all about Baby Mama here . I could relate to the movie because I 'm trying for a baby myself . It hasn 't been particularly easy for me so this movie , about a successful business woman who 's trying to have a baby alone at 37 , hits a chord with me . Tina Fey and Amy Pohler were both hilarious and excellent actors . I knew that they were funny from the Saturday Night Live days but I never knew that they could do drama as well . Believe it or not , the movie was categorised under Drama under the Movie on Demand list . The script is brilliant at mixing hilarious moments and touching ones all in one scene . I loved the film so much that I recommended it to the former BH girl but too bad the movie was removed from the play list on our flight back to Msia . I wanted to watch it again but because it was no longer available , I decided to watch Wall - E . The missing narration makes it a bit boring but I still think it 's a sweet movie . I must be really hormonal then because not only did I cry watching Baby Mama , watching Wall - E go about his work all alone on Earth too almost moved me to tears 😛 I loved the movie . Well at least I didn 't fall asleep watching it as I did while watching The X - Files right after Wall - E . Not that it was incredibly boring or anything . I think I was just tired by then . My stay in Hong Kong was wonderful . I would have loved to do more shopping but I find HK to be rather expensive . I mean , a bottle of Evian costs RM5 there . A bottle of regular mineral water costs RM3 . So you can pretty much tell how expensive other things can be . It didn 't help that our hotel , The Langham in Tsim Sha Tsui is right across a Louis Vitton boutique . It was an exclusive area , so shopping around the jotel area was limited . But Ladies Market was just four MTR stations away . I didn 't really like it there because I found the bargaining process really tiring . Some of the proprieters are rude - they just shoo you away . But I managed to get the usual souvenir stuff - fridge magnets , t - shirts etc - for not - too - bad prices . The t - shirts were of good quality so I 'm happy with that . I wanted to buy a bag for myself but I ended up with a pair of flat shoes instead . It was for RM32 . I 'm happy with that because it looks good with my jeans . I loved watching the young women in HK . They dress really well , very trendy with their calf or knee - length boots . HK this time of the year is slightly cooler than in Malaysia and less humid too . You don 't need a coat or anything . You ' l be fine with your t - shirt . But if you were to wear your jeans and t - shirt , you 'll look slightly out of place in Tsim Sha Tsui area where the girls were shorts , dresses or pretty blouses with skirts and boots . Sure , there will be people in just t - shirt and jeans but they 're mostly guys 😛 Books in HK are pretty expensive too . If you think your RM34 paperback is pricey , wait till you have to fork out RM45 for the same paperback in HK ! I 'm never taking book prices in KL for granted anymore . Of course , I 'll buy them online so I 'll get a 30 per cent discount . Sasa in HK is cheaper ( certain items ) and bigger . I almost bought a Sasa - brand lengthening / volumising mascara for HK $ 98 ( 98xRM0 . 46 = about RM45 ) but decided against it . I didn 't really need it . I already have my Maybelline mascara that does the job for less than RM40 . Never mind that I still think about it now ( I think I 'm in love ) , enough to make me want to go to a Sasa store and see if they sell it here too . But I bought 3 miniature perfumes - Eternity ( 15ml ) and two Burberry Weekend ( 5ml ) - for RM50 from there . Not bad eh ? I was there to cover an international forum for innovative teachers and met teachers from 60 countries who are not short of inspirational . If all these teachers were to work in one school , that would be one heck of a brilliant school . These are teachers who worked outside of office hours to create games , movies etc to enhance their teachings . You will be amazed by what these teachers can do . Some of these schools are rural ones that have no Internet access at all . Yet the students learn with the aid of technology everyday . Oh , that just reminds me of something . I need to register the free MS Office One Note 2007 software I got from the forum online and also check out Piggley 's blog . Piggley is the mascot of a school in rural Nothern Ireland . From his blog , I could see that he had a whale of a time in Hong Kong . Read all about him here and also notice how Piggley asks the students to look up some information on Hong Kong and its culture . This is the kind of learning that these teachers are promoting . Fun , isn 't it ? P / S : No pictures yet . I 'll probably transfer some photos tomorrow and I 'm also waiting for some REALLY good pictures from MS representatives . More of that next week I guess . I ' l probably upload them on FB . Later ! I got a shock ( a pleasant one ) looking at my dashboard . I knew that the layout for the page where I post my entries has changed but I had ZERO idea that the new dashboard has been pimped as well . Now I can tell who had recently linked me from their blogs / websites , how many blogposts I have so far - fyi it 's 542 ( incl . this one ) , how many people read my blog on certain dates and my most popular post , which happens to be my review of Everyday Minerals makeup . So , mineral makeup fans out there are gonna love this entry because * drum roll * I just got my package all the way from Austin , TX a couple of days ago . Actually , I could have picked it up on the 8th if I had wanted to but I was away in Hanoi . So , as soon as I had some free time on Wednesday , I laced up my walking shoes and speed - walked all the way to the post office ( about a 10 - minute walk ) . I swear I was back at my desk in less 20 minutes - the day was threatening to rain , so I HAD to walk fast . and pay only US $ 18 ( plus US $ 9 shipping and handling charges ) . For those living in Malaysia , that translates to around RM88 . Not bad , huh ? Anyway , this time around , the products come in purple - lided containers weighing 4 grams each . They are the size of your average lip pots ( lipgloss in pots ) ( see picture below which I lifted off watercoloursky . blogspot . com . Thank you for the picture ! ) The morning after I picked up the package , I mixed both foundation and chose Weekend Getaway to complete my makeup . But mixing the foundations - which I thought would produce the perfect match for my skintone . Nope , not exactly , as I found out later . I looked too done up . But I loved my blusher which looked quite natural . So this morning , I just went with Sandy Medium and what do you know , it 's quite close to my skin . I 'm sure Medium Beige Summer isn 't too dark for me . It 'll be suitable for certain days when I need a little tan . I 'm sure I 'll have one of those days 😛 If you want to know how EM looks on my skin , just check out my current Facebook profile picture . In that photo , you 'll also notice that I am sporting a new hairdo . So far , I 've got positive comments from people . I suppose if they have nothing nice to say about my hair , they probably won 't say anything * lol * . But I like my hair . If I had it my way , I would prefer a bob better but this cut is suited for my curly / wavy hair type . At least I don 't have to tie my hair when I run / walk on the treadmill . When I wash my hair , I use less shampoo and it takes less time to dry as well . I don 't need to use pomade to flick the ends of my hair because my natural curl does it for me FOC in my sleep 😛 I wake up and voila … instant swingy , bouncy curls . I think I look boyish with this cut . Someone in the office says it makes me look younger than I already do . And my husband swears it makes me look taller ( ? ! ) . Whatever ! Anyway , I do mean to post pictures from Hanoi soon . I still had long hair then . Right now though , I am too exhausted to even finish this entry and go grab a glass of cold water to drink . I promise , promise to do it before the end of the weekend . The Internet has been really good here in the new house so that 's a motivation to get it out of the way . I took the day of on Thursday in preparation for my flight that night . A major drama actually took place that morning - major as in HUGE . Needless to say that I left Malaysia with a heavy heart . If it had been a personal trip , I would have cancelled but it was work and I had to fulfill the commitment I made . But suffice to say that drama now has been sorted out . The drama during the day probably tired me out because I slept even before they served supper on the flight to Jo ' burg from Spore * lol * That was good tho because I sure didn 't want to stay awake on a 10 - hour flight . It was a good thing that I had slept about 6 hours on and off because it made me too groggy to be stressed out about the turbulence we experienced . On a scale of 1 to 10 , I would give the shaking a 7 . The plane literally swayed from left to right for what seemed like an eternity ( maybe 10 minutes ) . At one point , we felt the plane " drop " ( I believe this is what people call the plane being caught in an air pocket ? ) . I actually woke up a few seconds before it happened . The turbulence was THAT bad . But I have experienced worst . I was on a plane to Sabah , I believe , and the plan " dropped " 3x in succession with about 5 seconds of breaks in between " drops " . I actually let out a nervous gasp on the third drop and the lady next to me was looking panicky herself . I must have scared her more * lol * The flight on the whole was not so bad . Me and the rest of the entourage got to Jo ' berg airport feeling a little groggy despite the long walk lugging our heavy hand luggages . Did I tell you we were warned against checking in our bags ? Valuables and , worse , bags and their contents have gone missing at Jo ' berg especially for passengers whose final destinations are to other african countries . One staff of l _ k _ w didn 't get his luggage until the day he was to leave the country . Boleh ? Ghetto giler k ? ! You wouldn 't think that something like that can happen in such a modern airport . I mean , I can tolerate things being " removed " from the luggage but for the entire luggage to go missing ? The scary part is it happens to so many people on a daily basis . Macam tak ada undang - undang je 😛 Anyway , we arrived in Gab0r0ne about 10am . After a short briefing by one of the l _ k _ w staff , we were taken straight to our hotel . We were warned that our hotel room would be " cute " ( i . e small ) . But the rooms turned out to be cosy and pretty . I loved my room and I loved the idea of having the tv " suspended " like tvs in hospital rooms . The only bummer was that the rooms didn 't have any phones . It would not have been so bad if we had roaming . None of the services - nope , not even cel - to - the - com - have roaming there . So we had to knock on each other 's room to communicate / make plans / etc . After I showered , I heard a knock on my door . It was the kakak from B * H . She asked me if I wanted to see the town with her . Frankly , I was scared to go out but because she had asked , I said yes . I mean , we had six hours to kill before dinner , so what the heck ? I was with her and she looked super confident , so off we went . I 'm glad we did because we managed to see a bit of Gab0r0ne , its people and shopping areas . We learned that cars in B0ts are cheap so no one rides a motorcycle there . They 'd rather walk than ride a bike . I 'm joking . But the truth is , I didn 't see any bikers at all . I saw many people either in cars or walking , though . Just like in Shah Alam , there are actual taxis and teksi sapu in Gab0r0ne . If you ask the drivers if they have receipts , they 'll say yes even if a notepad is all they have to write your " receipt " on . Cute , huh ? I notice that Gab didn 't have many places in town selling crafts . That made looking for small souvenirs difficult . They had all the wood carvings which are nice but not exactly practical for travelers who can 't check in their bags . What they had in abundance were mini marts and shops selling clothes and shoes for " cheap " . Fruits and veggies are cheap and so is beef or chicken . But other things can be pricey because they have to be imported from next - door - neighbour - with - the - port S . Africa . The kakak and I were impressed with the fact that we didn 't see beggars on the street at the three shopping areas we went to . We were starred at a lot - being non - Africans - but no one came up to us for money or anything . But I suppose Africans in Gab0r0ne are getting more used to seeing Asians now that the Chinese have set up businesses there . You 'll be amazed with the number of Chinese restaurants and shops which have mushroomed at Gab0r0ne . There 's one halal Chinese restaurant just next door to one of the l _ k _ w 's campuses . The food there , apparently , is brilliant . When it comes to " fine dining " , Gab0r0ne has a lot to offer . On Friday night , we went to this place called Bull and Bush ( or something ) , a steak place . Before you ask , beef in Gab0r0ne at least is halal so the muslim staff there have been happily wacking beef since they arrived . Portion sizes are huge . I ordered the finest fillet cut and still couldn 't finish it . I loved my meal but was disappointed that my side veggies were blended beyond recognition . They were probably delicious in their original form but after being blended ? Yuck ! The B & B place was very " happening " on Friday night . They had a cute young caucasian Dj who played songs by Sean Kingston , Neyo , Chris Brown etc . People of all ages , shapes and sizes shaked their booty on the dance floor . One black guy was really good . I bet he does break dancing . It would have been a great night if not for the fact that the so - called bouncers of the restaurant insisted that I pay for the " cover charge " . BS - lah . Mana ada cover charge . Sesuka hati mak bapak dia je nak suruh orang bayar . One of them actually grabbed my arm and bag so that I won 't run away . I told him sternly to take his hands of me and he did . He later came to our table and spoke to the l _ k _ w staff . I didn 't hear what they said . To give you context to what took place . We had entered the place , sat down and made our orders . Then , one of the l _ k _ w staff asked us if we wanted to see the handicrafts outside . So we went and when we wanted to make our way in again , that was when I was stopped . Well , kalau betul ada cover charge , where 's your stamp to indicate that I have paid ? There was none and there was actually no cover charge . Come on , it 's a freaking restaurant ! So , that unfortunately had ruined an otherwise good night . We wanted to dine outside ( still within the restaurant compound ) , where they had picnic tables and a bar much like the one you see in Blood Diamond , but there were too many people already . The food , as I was saying , was nice but service can be a little slow . If you 're hungry , do have something light prior to leaving the house . But the waites and waitresses are well trained . They talk to you , ask you if your food is fine and if you 'd like another drink etc . This service at your normal pizza - hut or kfc , ok ? Not bad kan ? I wish I could take all of you to this plant nursery place which has a cafe in a beautiful garden we went to on Sunday , just a couple of hours before the event we were suppose to attend . There is a h - u - g - e fig tree in the middle of the garden which was nothing like I have ever seen in my life . Come to think of it , I don 't think I have ever seen a fig tree 😛 Another highlight of the garden is a tree house for the kids . There was a really cute , chubby boy ( toddle ) who was playing with his older brother and the older brother dug some dirt and put it on the lil brother 's head ! I didn 't get a picture of that though . The l _ k _ w staff said we must have coffee there , so we did . I had already taken breakfast but I wanted to order the tuna salad because I had a feeling we won 't have time to have lunch - which was true ! The tuna salad was fresh . The tuna did not come from a tin and I can vouch for that . It tasted un - tin - like * lol * I shared the salad with the kakak and we cold hardly finish it . At 3pm , the event we flew all the way from Msia to attend took place . It was a convo ceremony unlike anything I have ever seen . Students were singing songs like Hero , Simply the best , Wings beneath my wing between scroll presentations , boleh ? I have a video but I don 't think I 'm going to youtube it . Kalau nak tengok , see me personally . The ceremony was over in about two hours or so . We then went to the press conference , did some interviews and went for dinner . We flew home the next morning . The flight home from Jo ' berg was much , much better this time . No turbulence at all and I managed to see two movies - Resident Evil : Extinction and The Invasion . I wish I had the time and money to go on a safari in Bots . I was told that Bots safari is the best in the African continent . Well , kalau umur panjang , I will get to go there again . Insya - allah . My impression of Gab0rone ? It has a lot of potential as a tourist spot . But the people of Bots must know how to " sell " the country . The simplest example ? Produce more souvenirs that tourists can pick up and place safely in their bags . I 'm talking about I 'm talking about good quality souvenirs - fridge magnets , pens , etc . I found that these were sorely lacking . I thought that Gab0r0ne was not so prepared for tourists . I wondered to myself , apart from the safari - that is probably 20km away from town - and the food , what else can a tourist like me see and do ? I actually asked someone this question and they were a bit stumped for an answer . I hope with the presence of a creative university in town , the country will be able to produce creative human resource who can transform the country into a vibrant economy . That the country is sponsoring the tertiary education of 90 per cent of its young people means that the country is heading in the right direction . I wish Batswana ( people of Botswana ) all the best ! Anyway , I 'm travelling to B0tswana to cover a graduation ceremony . Yep , I kid you not . I normally get super excited about my trips and start googling all the travel infos that I can possibly get from the internet . But these are the things I managed to find out so far : d ) That it is quite cold over there . Lowest temperature is around 15 degrees celcius . But I have a feeling that next week , the weather will get warmer . But I expect some precipitation going on . d ) Charles and Keith 's store at Changi Airpot is open at 6am . Nampaknya , I can finally get to see the shop which my neighbour Racha3l often raves about . She recently bought a very nice bag from there . Before that , she had bought a really nice pair of shoes . Since then , I swore that I will get my own C & K bag / shoes the next time I 'm at Changi or Spore . Initially , I thought that I would not have the privilege to do so because my transit times are so off ( 11pm on the way to B0tswana and 6am on the way back home ) . But Racha3l assured me that it 'll be open at 6am because she asked the salespersons 😛 Bak kata Janet Jackson , " That 's - a - it " about the trip that I can update you with so far . Obviously , I haven 't packed but I 'm quite an expert at that already thanks to all my trips all these years . So I 'm really not worried about overpacking and exceeding the baggage weight limit . It 's such a short trip anyway . Fly there for 10 - 11 hours , sleep , attend the graduation ceremony and do some campus tour or something , sleep and check out of the hotel and head for the airport the next day . Wham - bam - thank you - mam . P / S : Please click on individual pictures to enlarge . Sorry they are a bit small . If I set them any larger , they 'll overlap and mess up the side bar on the right . A scene at the Tom Bradley Intl Aiport . Notice how big the American flag is and it is not the only big flag in the airport . You should see the custom clearance area . RT @ muftimenk : Don 't bring yesterday 's failures into today . Learn from them . Move on . The Almighty has better things in store . Put your ful … 14 hours ago
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In the book of Romans , Paul said , " What shall we say then ? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound ? " ( Romans 6 : 1 - 2 ) Obviously Paul was misunderstood and accused of telling people to sin more so that grace may abound . This is the same accusation that has been levelled against me . Have you noticed that the law entered so that sin might abound ? It clearly means that the more you preach the law , the more sin will abound . After all , the strength of sin is the law . Therefore when you see sin and preach more of the law , you are literally adding wood to the fire . In saying that " where sin abounded , grace abounded much more " , I am preaching the same message that Paul ( it is good to be in Paul 's company ) preached . What Paul meant , which is also what I mean , is this : Sin does not stop God 's grace from flowing , but God 's grace will stop sin . Ask yourself which is greater , your sins or God 's grace ? The answer is obvious . God 's grace is always greater ! In fact when you read " where sin abounded , grace abounded much more " in the original Greek , it actually says that where sin abounds , grace " superabounds " . So where there is sin , God 's grace is in superabundance ! We cannot be afraid to preach grace because it is the only power to stop sin in people 's lives . When you fail , instead of feeling guilty and condemned , receive the superabounding grace of God that tells you that you are still the righteousness of God ! It is His superabounding grace that will rescue you from that sin . Those who wallow in guilt and condemnation are the ones who have no ability to overcome their sins . Since they believe that God 's grace has departed , what hope can they have ? Victory over sin comes only when people encounter the superabundance of God 's grace . It is His grace that has made sinners righteous ! Jesus took all your sins upon Himself on the cross . And once your sins have been punished , it would be " unrighteous " of God to demand payment for your sins again . He cannot punish your sins twice ! Yes , it is holy , right and just for God to punish sin . But having punished sin on the body of your substitute Jesus Christ , God will not demand punishment for your sins again , precisely because He is holy and just . Don 't miss out on this powerful revelation . This is the gospel of Jesus ! Because all your sins have been punished in the body of your substitute Jesus Christ , God 's righteousness is on your side demanding your justification and forgiveness . That is why , even when you fail , God 's grace will superabound and swallow up your failure . It has been paid for on Calvary . The Bible says that " if anyone sins , we have an Advocate with the Father , Jesus Christ the righteous . And He Himself is the propitiation for our sins " . ( 1 John 2 : 1 - 2 ) Jesus is your Advocate today and He demands your acquittal . His blood has been shed and He became the propitiation ( mercy seat ) for all your sins . When God looks at you , all He sees is the blood of Jesus that makes you completely righteous . Hallelujah ! " " I want to show you two Bible stories that effectively contrast law and grace . These stories are found in Luke chapters 18 and 19 . In Luke 18 : 18 - 23 , we have the story of the rich young ruler who came to Jesus and asked , " What must I do to inherit eternal life ? " Now , think about this question for a moment . What should the right evangelical answer be ? The right evangelical answer should be , " Believe on Me and you will inherit eternal life . " But that was not what Jesus said to him . Instead , Jesus gave him the Law of Moses , saying , " You know the commandments : ' Do not commit adultery , do not murder , do not steal , do not bear false witness , honour your father and your mother . ' " Jesus gave him the Ten Commandments . Why ? Because the young ruler came with pride , believing that he could do something to earn and deserve eternal life . Whenever you come boasting in your efforts , Jesus will give you the Law of Moses . Now , listen to what the young man said in response to Jesus , " All these things I have kept from my youth . " Amazing ! This man actually claimed that he had kept all the Ten Commandments from his youth ! Like the Pharisees , some people really think that they are able to keep all the laws of Moses , not knowing that they have lowered God 's law to a place where they think they can keep it . Jesus came to bring the law back to its pristine standard - not only must there be an outward adherence to the law , there must also be an inward adherence . Jesus showed that God 's law is beyond man 's own efforts . The young man was probably expecting Jesus to compliment him on his law - keeping , and was feeling really confident of himself . But notice what Jesus said to him . Instead of complimenting him , He said , " One thing you still lack . " You see every time you still boast in your law - keeping , Jesus will find something that you lack . In this case , He told the young man to sell all that he had , give it to the poor and follow Him . The young man had boasted that he had kept all the commandments , but now , Jesus was giving him the very first commandment : " You shall have no other gods before Me , " ( not even money ) ( Exodus 20 : 3 ) and look at what happened . The young ruler walked away , sorrowful . He was not even able to give one dollar to the Lord ! Now , let 's go over to Luke 19 : 1 - 10 . Jesus walked into Jericho and a crowd gathered to see Him . Then , as He passed by a sycamore tree , He looked up and saw Zacchaeus , short , little Zacchaeus who had climbed the tree hoping to catch a glimpse of Jesus as He walked by . Zacchaeus was a corrupt tax collector , a sinner . But instead of giving him the Ten Commandments , Jesus showed him grace ( undeserved favour ) and invited Himself to Zacchaeus ' house . Of course , the people in the crowd were displeased and they said , " He had gone to be a guest with a man who is a sinner . " Now , observe hat happened at Zacchaeus ' house . Before the dinner was over , Zacchaeus stood up and said to the Lord , " Look , Lord , I give half of my goods to the poor ; and if I have taken anything from anyone by false accusation , I restore fourfold . " Jesus smiled and said , " Today , salvation has come to this house . " I believe it was the Holy Spirit who put these two stories side by side . I don 't believe they happened chronologically . I believe that the Holy Spirit placed them in this divine order to show us the contrasting effects of being under the covenant of the law and being under the covenant of grace . When the rich young ruler came boasting in his own law - keeping , Jesus answered with the law . And the young man could hardly give a dollar to Jesus and walked away sorrowful . But in the very next chapter , when Jesus gave no law but showed His grace , it not only opened Zacchaeus ' heart , it also opened up his wallet ! Can you imagine this ? It opened up the wallet of a corrupt tax collector . That 's truly the power of grace ! It leads one to true repentance . When you experience His grace , you can 't help but be generous . After Jesus lavished His unconditional love and grace on Zacchaeus , Zacchaeus ' heart overflowed with the undeserved , unmerited and unearned favour of God . He knew deep in his heart that as a sinner and corrupt tax collector , he did not deserve to have Jesus come to his house . All He had hoped for was to catch a glimpse of Jesus from the sycamore tree , but God 's goodness far exceeded his expectations . And just as Peter was brought to his knees when he saw Jesus ' goodness , Zacchaeus was led to repentance when he experienced Jesus ' goodness . You see , the law condemns the self - righteous , but grace will transform the sinner . Unlike the young ruler Zacchaeus did not come to Jesus boasting in his law - keeping . He knew that he was undeserving and that is why Jesus was able to shower grace on him . In the same way , many believers today won 't allow themselves to receive grace from the Lord because like the young ruler , their trust is in their own righteousness and law - keeping . When you depend on the law , the law will be given back to you to expose the areas that you are lacking in . Once you think that you have perfectly kept the law , there will always be " one thing you still lack " . The role of the law is to bring you to the end of yourself , to bring you to a place where you know in no uncertain terms that you cannot do anything to deserve God 's salvation , blessings and favour . Our heavenly Father is waiting for us to give up on our own efforts . The moment you begin to repent from all the dead works that you have been doing to try and qualify for and deserve God 's acceptance and blessings , God will lavish on you His abundant grace - His undeserved , unearned and unmerited favour . You don 't have to worry about how your behaviour will be governed without a consciousness of the law . The Word of God says that grace will teach you - " For the grace of God … has appeared to all men , teaching us that , denying ungodliness and worldly lusts … " ( Titus 2 : 11 - 12 ) Grace is a teacher and it taught Zacchaeus . Do you remember his response after he experienced the abundance of grace ? He said , " I give half my goods to the poor ; and if I have taken anything from anyone by false accusation , I restore fourfold . " It is grace that leads people to true repentance . Grace does not result in superficial behaviour modification , but inward heart transformation . " Today I want to share with you something that is a culmination of all that we have heard the past few months . What is the attitude that we ought to have ? If God has made us righteous through Jesus ' blood , what is the attitude we ought to have ? What is our lot in life ? Since Adam fell , the consequences of the fall , the effects of Adam 's sin , has brought in all the D 's , you know , destruction , disease , death , depression … It 's come upon men , now , man is you and I , the ground we stand on is called cursed ground , it 's like there is a cloud over your head and it 's raining all the time . You know , everywhere he goes , the rain follows him … It 's like he is always under depression . What happened was that God loved us so much , that God could not leave us in this state , of death … God sent His Son Jesus . What was the purpose of sending Jesus ? No listen carefully , God sent Jesus to take our place - what does that mean ? That is actually half the gospel - Many places we are only hearing half the gospel . In my previous church I heard for many years only half the gospel - how Jesus died for my sins , how Jesus came as my redeemer , as my saviour , but the Bible says that when God brought the children of Israel out of Egypt , God brought them out to bring them in . God didn 't bring them out to wander in the wilderness . God brought them out of bondage to bring them into a land flowing with milk and honey . Many believers are out but they are not in … They are wondering , wandering in the wilderness … So , they are not here , nor there … This is half the gospel - that Jesus took our place - the other half is this : that God put everything that you deserve - now if we stop right now … There is no end to what you and I deserve , we can say that depression , failure , poverty , curse , everything … Because of Adam 's sin and our sin , everything that you and I deserve , Jesus came to take . The other half is - all that Jesus deserves - you take … This is what happened to Jesus at the cross : All that you deserve , Jesus became , and God did not even spare His Son , because if He ( Jesus ) took our place He had to suffer like a sinner , He had to die and He never sinned - he never was a sinner . So God gave Jesus everything that you deserve - did Jesus become sin because he sinned ? Did you become righteous because you did righteous deeds ? No ! How did Jesus become sin ? He received our sin - how did you and I become righteous ? We received His righteousness . Christianity is not what you renounce or what you do , because all of this still speak of self … It is not what you renounce or what you do , Christianity is what you receive … Salvation begins when you receive . Christian life is continued by receiving . Now , what happens is this : Many Christians are on Jesus ' ground , favoured ground , grace ground , the light shines on you , while darkness fell on Jesus … God turned His back on Jesus , so that God can face you and never leave you or forsake you , in the countenance of God is life and light forever more and His presence is joy . The Bible tells us in the Old Testament that the back of God is the curse , in fact there is a verse that says sickness , and inflammation is behind Him , I think it tells you that in the book of Job . So God turned His back and Jesus cried , " My God , my God , why have you forsaken me ? " He cried this so that you and I know that he was forsaken at the time , and He called His Father for the first time , " My God . " He never called Him , " My God , " it was always , " My Father , " so that you and I can call God , " Father … " The divine exchange took place - this is how much God loves you and me . God loves us so much that God gave Jesus to take everything that we have , but don 't forget that is half of it , so that we can take everything that He has and that He deserve . Now because of what Jesus has done , listen carefully , you and I , we are on grace ground … Are you supposed to bow your head , look depressed , look sad , and expect bad things to happen ? No ! If you still expect bad things to happen , if you are still depressed , if you still act like God doesn 't love you , doesn 't care for you , you are actually pushing away all that Jesus did for you . You are still saying that , " I am the old person , " when actually the divine exchange took place , and this is where most Christians are missing it . Most Christians miss it right here ! They look at Jesus and say , " O , Jesus you died for my sins , O , Jesus you are my saviour , O , Jesus you are so good , so lovely … " But then they do not know what has happened to them . They are standing on grace ground , where ever you go is favoured ground , you can be walking with a colleague , side by side at the workplace , but the guy is on cursed ground and you are on favoured ground , and the favour of God is with you everywhere you go . So God told me to tell you this , He wants you to have this attitude towards life , even this coming week , there is a word that He is going to give you in a while 's time , but the main thing is this , He wants you to face life believing that everything that Jesus deserves , you will get . It will be good for you to take time , today if you can , to take time to think , " If God really treats me the way that He treats Jesus , what can I expect to face this week ? " You know , you and I , we do not know what is going to happen , we can say , Pastor Prin . ce no one knows what is going to happen in the future . Correct ! But I can tell you my future ; I will get whatever Jesus deserves . This week I will get whatever Jesus deserves … " Are you saying that there will be no trouble in your life ? " No , even when trouble comes , because Jesus deserves deliverance from trouble , peace in the midst of trouble , I will get that . " Pastor Prince , I don 't think you are that smart to receive this kind of success , this kind of church success and your career success … " You know what , I agree 101 % with you , but you know what ? It 's not what I deserve , it 's what Jesus deserves . Do you think Jesus deserves this kind of success ? Well , he gives me what He deserves … So once you think like that , once you focus like that , the devil has nothing on you . The devil wants you to focus on what you deserve , do you understand ? You see this is the word God told me to give you , write it down somewhere , you know the things of God are simple but powerful , this is what God said ; " Tell the people , expect good things to them , not because they deserve it , but because I love them . " Once again , " Expect good things to happen to you , not because you deserve it , but because God loves you . " You see if you think you deserve it because today you are extra holy , allright , you gave money to the poor or you went to do some charitable work or you got involved with more work in church or whatever … You think you are extra holy , you know something , the devil will find something wrong and he will pull that little string and the whole thing will unravel . But … You say that ; " It 's not because I deserve it that I expect good thing to happen this week , it 's because Jesus loves me … God loves me , " you know what ? The devil has nothing to pull , when it 's God 's love in your life . Amen ? Praise the Lord ! " Well , it turns out baby G has a post nasal drip that makes him nauseous and that causes the loss of appetite and puking in the late afternoon or early evening . After the check up the doctor wanted me to sit down and got quite stern with me . He seemed offended and angry and he demanded to know why I was still nursing baby G . I think at first I must have just stared at him , because I could not understand why he was acting this way . The doctor then told me that there is no nutritional benefit in nursing baby G at his age anymore and that there is also no more immunological benefit in nursing him at this age and that I should stop immediately . I did not even argue with this doctor because I was so surprised and taken aback by his tirade . His final comment to me was , " are you going to be one of those moms that nurse their child until he is in grade 5 ? " Why is there so much opposition and criticism if you want to nurse your baby after a year ? This is not the first time someone 's asked me this and most of the time I get the feeling they disapprove , but I must say this was the worst reaction so far . I cannot understand why he reacted the way he did . I didn 't actually sit and nurse baby G in front of him … Why did he take it so personally ? Before having baby G I never thought of breastfeeding much . I guess I always wanted to try to breastfeed because I heard that its really good for a baby , but I had an operation on my left breast at the age of 19 and my midwife did warn me that there would be a good chance that I would not be able to nurse . Since I believe God healed me of infertility by getting pregnant I also believed that God would heal my breast so that I can nurse and I must say I have had no problems nursing from my left breast . When I saw there were no problems with milk production or nursing I set myself a goal of nursing him to 6 months at least or until he was well established with eating solids . The 6 month old mark came and went and I had no desire to stop and neither did baby G , and as a matter of fact there was no real reason to stop . We went through a stage where baby G bit my nipples a bit , but I always immediately removed my nipple from his mouth and stopped nursing him . He quickly realized that it was not beneficial for him to bite me and he hasn 't bitten me in such a long time . I must say Baby G is definitely a picky eater , and we do struggle to get him to eat a proper meal . Apparently at the crèche it is no issue , and I must say I 'm glad he gets 2 meals there and that I don 't have to struggle to get him to eat those meals . So nursing has always been a bit of a conscience soother for me - to know that if he doesn 't want to eat solid food , but he does nurse means that he will not go to bed hungry . I guess that was one of the things that upset me so yesterday , because suddenly I was doubting myself and wondering if I 've been doing my baby harm , by nursing him instead of forcing him to eat solid food . The fact that I 'm still nursing has complicated things with regards to us trying for number 2 , because my cycles are incredibly irregular and I suspect that I 'm actually still not ovulating , even though I do get AF . I 've taken OPK 's a few cycles ( not all ) and I never got a positive test . Once on CD21 the test was almost positive , but it was my last one and I did not want to buy a new pack , so I decided to assume the next day would be the LH surge . Two days later AF arrived . So that cycle was only 22 days and most of my cycles have been short , but I 've also had one cycle of 36 days , but none of 28 days . Even though I long to be pregnant again , that desire is not so strong that I want to stop nursing baby G , because it is obvious to me that he is not ready to stop emotionally and I do not want to force it on him if he is not ready . I trust that God can and will make me pregnant even while I 'm still breastfeeding . I mean it 's not impossible - it happens quite often , so why can 't it happen to me ? I think I 'm rambling a bit so I should rather just stop . What I meant to say with this post was that I 'm surprised by the doctor 's reaction , and very disturbed by it . Why is it so unacceptable in modern society to nurse one 's toddler ? I 'm not talking about the controversial nursing in public , because I never do that - just nursing a couple of times a day in private is also frowned upon … When God liberated the children of Israel from the bondage of slavery in Egypt ; He did not do so because they had kept the 10 Commandments . The 10 Commandments had not even been given yet . The children of Israel came out of Egypt by the blood of the Lamb . The Lord showed me something a number of years ago that ushered me into the Gospel Revolution . I was sitting in my living room , just spending time in the Word , when He spoke to me and said , " Son , study the journey of the children of Israel from Egypt to Mount Sinai for this is a picture of pure grace . Not a single Israelite died during this period although they murmured and complained . I had never heard anyone preach that before and neither had I read it in any book So , feverishly , I turned to that portion of the Scriptures , trying to find someone who had died , so that I could prove God wrong ! Have you been there before , trying to prove God wrong ? Well , you can never succeed , and indeed , I could not find any Israelite who died even though the people murmured and complained . Even though God had rescued the children of Israel from their Egyptian slave masters by performing great signs and wonders , the children of Israel failed to honour God , and murmured and complained over and over again . When the Egyptian army came thundering toward them from behind and the Red Sea was before them , the children of Israel cried out to Moses saying , " Because there were no graves in Egypt , have you taken us away to die in the wilderness ? " ( Exodus 14 : 11 ) That was a complaint against God , and murmuring and complaining are sins . But what was God 's response ? He opened up the Red Sea and they crossed over to dry land on the other side , safe from their enemies . Even after God had brought them safely to the other side of the sea , the murmuring continued . At Marah , they complained about the bitter waters . What was God 's response ? He made the bitter waters sweet ( Exodus 15 : 23 - 25 ) . In the wilderness , they cried out against Moses , when they were hungry . What was God 's response ? He rained bread from heaven ( Exodus 16 : 2 - 4 ) . But still the children of Israel complained . When there was no water again , they cried out against Moses saying , " Why is it you have brought us out of Egypt , to kill us and our children and our livestock with thirst ? " ( Exodus 17 : 3 ) What was God 's response ? He brought water out of the flinty rock . Study the Bible yourself . You 'll find that every time the children of Israel murmured and complained , it only brought forth fresh demonstrations of God 's favour , supply and goodness . Why ? Because during that period , the blessings and provisions they received were not dependent on their obedience or goodness . They were dependent on God 's goodness and faithfulness to the Abrahamic covenant , which was a covenant of grace . Then something tragic happened right at the foot of Mount Sinai . In Exodus 19 : 8 , your English Bible says that the people cried out to Moses , saying , " All that the Lord has spoken we will do . " In the original Hebrew text , this is actually a statement of pride . They were saying , " All that God requires and demands of us , we are well able to perform . " In other words , they were saying , " God , stop assessing or blessing us based on Your goodness . Start assessing , judging and blessing us based on our obedience . " So they effectively exchanged covenants , from the Abrahamic covenant which is based on grace , to the Sinaitic covenant which is based on the law . All this while , God was with them and had fought for them . He opened up the Red Sea , rained manna from heaven and brought water out of the flinty rock , even though they kept murmuring and complaining . But the moment they said those prideful words , God had to change His tone . He told Moses to instruct the people not to go near the mountain , for " whoever touches the mountain shall surely be put to death . " ( Exodus 19 : 12 ) Why do you think God changed His demeanour here ? It was because man presumed on his own strength and entered into a covenant based on his obedience . This is what we call self - righteousness . Since the people wanted to be judged based on their performance , in the very next chapter , God gave them the 10 Commandments . From then on , since they boasted that they could do all that God commanded , God had to asses them based on His laws . He would bless them if they kept His commandments , but they would be cursed if they failed to do so . What the people did not understand was that they had to obey all of the 10 Commandments perfectly because if they failed in one , they would be guilty of all ( James 2 : 10 ) . You see the law is a composite whole and God does not grade on a curve . Now , let 's see what happened when the children of Israel placed themselves under the law . After they boasted that they could fulfil all that God commanded of them , the works of the flesh were immediately manifested . They broke the very first commandment - " You shall have no other gods before Me " ( Exodus 20 : 3 ) - by fashioning a golden calf and worshipping it as their god ! ( Exodus 32 : 1 - 8 ) Isn 't that sad ? So be careful when you boast of keeping of defending the law because the works of the flesh will follow soon after . From that point onwards , every time the children of Israel murmured and complained , many of them would die . Observe this : Before Sinai , none died . After Sinai , the moment the murmured they died . Before Sinai , every failure brought forth a fresh manifestation of God 's favour . But now that the Israelites were under the covenant of law , sin had to be punished . Their blessings and provisions depended on their perfect obedience , and every failure and sin would result in judgement and punishment . That is why the law of Moses is called the ministry of death and condemnation . It is an inflexible standard that had to minister death and condemnation to the Israelites whenever they sinned . You would think that after 2000 years people would learn , but there are believers today who are still using the same refrain as the children of Israel at the foot of Mount Sinai . They are bragging , " All that the Lord has spoken we will do . " Can you see what the Lord was showing me ? The Israelites ' journey from Egypt to Sinai was a picture of pure grace . It was not dependent on their goodness but His goodness , not on their faithfulness but His faithfulness . Before the law was given they were under grace and nobody was punished even when they failed . But immediately after the law was given , nobody was spared when they failed . The good news is that we are no longer under the old covenant of law . We have been delivered from the law through Jesus ' death on the cross . Because of Jesus Christ , we are now under the new covenant of grace , which means that today , God does not assess us based on our performance , but on His goodness and faithfulness . Why are there believers today living as though the cross made no difference ? Instead of enjoying the new covenant of grace , they are still fighting to be under the old covenant of law and the 10 commandments . I declare to you that the cross of Jesus did make a difference . If you are still trying to live under the law , trying to be justified by your obedience to the law , you are effectively negating what Jesus has already done for you on the cross ! Under the old covenant , God said , " I will by no means clear the guilty . " ( Exodus 34 : 7 ) However , in the new covenant , God says , " I will remember your sins no more . " ( Hebrews 8 : 12 ; 10 : 17 ) Can you see the contrast ? It is the same God speaking , so what happened ? The cross happened , my friend . The cross made the difference . Today , God does not remember your sins or hold them against you because He has already judged them in the body of His Son . Believers get confused when they do not realize that the cross has made a difference . Consider this : If we are still supposed to be under the 10 Commandments as many argue , then what did the cross of Jesus accomplish ? No , off course not ! There is nothing intrinsically wrong with the law . As Apostle Paul said , " What shall we say then ? Is the law sin ? Certainly not ! On the contrary , I would not have known sin except through the law … " ( Romans 7 : 7 ) I am saying exactly the same thing that Paul said . It is through the law that we have the knowledge of sin , but that is all that the law can do . It exposes your sins . It cannot cover , cleanse or remove your sins . The law was designed to show forth our sins to bring us to despair and lead us to the realization that by our own efforts , we can never save ourselves . It was designed to show us that we all need a Saviour who can cleanse and remove our sins . That is the purpose of the law . While the law is holy , just and good , it has no power to make us holy , just or good . Only Jesus ' magnificent grace and the splendour of His love can make you holy , just and good . And His blood has already made you holy , just and good ! God has already done what the law could not do . How ? By sending His own Son to be condemned on your behalf , so that you could be made the righteousness of God . That is your position today - you are made righteous in Christ . With the advent of the new covenant , the Bible says that God has made the old covenant obsolete . ( Hebrews 8 : 13 ) Stop fighting to hold on to something which the Bible has declared to be obsolete ! The law condemns the best of us . Even David was condemned under the law and I personally esteem him to be the best of those under the old covenant . The law condemns the best of us , but grace saves the worst of us . Under law , if you break one law , you will be guilty of all . By the same token , under grace , if you do one thing right , and that is to believe on the Lord Jesus , then you will be justified from all ! ( Acts 13 : 39 ) "
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Posted 4 / 25 / 13 Well I currently live with my mom / brother since I have been going to community college but I 'm about to transfer to a university pretty soon . I mean its about 1 hour 30 mins away from my house I can 't really commute by car because I would be too tired of driving especially if I have to drive 4 days a week and I work at the same time plus with studying . I personally think the time doesn 't really matter to me but the actual driving itself especially since the college is located in a very busy city which is San Francisco in CA . The thing is I hate having to live with random people and especially if they don 't have anything in common with me and are such a mess . If I can 't really find suitable people then I would probably just take the Bart train which is a 20 min drive from my house then take the Bart train to San Francisco which takes 1 hour then I would take a free shuttle to the university which takes 10 mins . I will probably be very tired everyday but that 's life you know : ( . So I was wondering how you found your roommates and if there suitable for you ? Also you can tell us about your experience . Or any other details that you want to add . PS : If someone is looking for a roommate that lives pretty close to San Francisco University in CA or if someone is looking for roommates hit me up . Just putting that out there for the hell of it and its not like i 'm super desperate because I can always live where i 'm currently at until I actually find good people . My mom wants me out if I can actually find some good roommates so I just put this out there lol . ( I can also cook Japanese Food if that 's a + ) Report to Moderator http : / / www . crunchyroll . com / group / Dreams _ of _ Japan Join this group if you want ! ! ! Morbidhanson 27344 cr points Send Message : Posted 4 / 25 / 13 You 're right . Random roomies are awful . It 's hard to find clean roommates who are guys , and even a lot of girls are messy . My first roomie was a random and it was terrible . He 'd smoke and drink heavily all the time . I was pretty pissed that he was also one of those guys who put rap and hip - hop on full blast all day long . During the second week , his friends rushed into the room drunk and high looking for him , making a ruckus when I was sleeping and woke me up . I had an important class the following day . Needless to say , I got mad and that was the last straw . After that , I pretty much ONLY used my real room as a storage room for clothes and supplies . I lived with two of my friends in their loft at a separate dorm for a while . They had a roomie who was pretty much never there to the extent that the RA thought I was the dude and got mad when he found out I wasn 't ( lol ) . After that , I ended up living with a girl I was dating for about two weeks at her house , then I moved over to my friend 's dorm since her roomies didn 't mind either and the house was a hassle to get to every day . My first year was pretty hectic , to say the least . My real room was always smelly and the hall was very dirty . The loft smelled like puke since people drank all the time . The girls ' dorm had a big fruit fly outbreak until I identified the flies and made them look everywhere for the fruit ( turns out someone left a bag of fruit under their bed and clouds of those little buggers were emerging from there ) . Report to Moderator Conjuring up the past is not remembering ; it is replacing . Satoshi - 7956 cr points Send Message : You 're right . Random roomies are awful . It 's hard to find clean roommates who are guys , and even a lot of girls are messy . My first roomie was a random and it was terrible . He 'd smoke and drink heavily all the time . I was pretty pissed that he was also one of those guys who put rap and hip - hop on full blast all day long . During the second week , his friends rushed into the room drunk and high looking for him , making a ruckus when I was sleeping and woke me up . I had an important class the following day . Needless to say , I got mad and that was the last straw . After that , I pretty much ONLY used my real room as a storage room for clothes and supplies . I lived with two of my friends in their loft at a separate dorm for a while . They had a roomie who was pretty much never there to the extent that the RA thought I was the dude and got mad when he found out I wasn 't ( lol ) . After that , I ended up living with a girl I was dating for about two weeks at her house , then I moved over to my friend 's dorm since her roomies didn 't mind either and the house was a hassle to get to every day . My first year was pretty hectic , to say the least . My real room was always smelly and the hall was very dirty . The loft smelled like puke since people drank all the time . The girls ' dorm had a big fruit fly outbreak until I identified the flies and made them look everywhere for the fruit ( turns out someone left a bag of fruit under their bed and clouds of those little buggers were emerging from there ) . Yeah my friends that live in the dorms say the same thing lol . That 's why I don 't really want to get random roommates . I can 't really room with my best friends since they are currently at different colleges which sucks . Also it must have been awful lol . Report to Moderator http : / / www . crunchyroll . com / group / Dreams _ of _ Japan Join this group if you want ! ! ! gzboli 65027 cr points Send Message : Posted 4 / 26 / 13 The only thing you can do is talk to potential roomies until you find some that fit ( don 't be anxious about turning people down ! ) . Exchange some emails about lifestyle , work , house etiquette , expectations of one another . The more details you work out the better picture of how living with them will be . You 're not looking for a best friend that you share everything with , but you ARE looking for someone that will respect you and your shared home . Also make sure to put yourself to the test and figure out how YOU can be a good roommate . Start searching early by the way . Contact your school and see if they have a roommate finding board or something . Report to Moderator ispy12 35567 cr points Send Message : Posted 4 / 26 / 13 I shared a student flat with two other people for my first quarter . One smoked a lot , the other was a glutton . I could tolerate the smoker , but the glutton was the most inhuman and unclean person I have ever had the misfortune to know . She would use all my cooking pots and dinnerware , leaving them figuratively covered in bird droppings , a testament to how poorly she cooked and cleaned . She even woke me up from sleep I desperately needed just because it was her birthday and she wanted me to drive her to Costco . Costco is not even open during the early morning hours ! I now live at home and commute to and from weekly , but I 'm glad I 'm not paying $ 800 monthly to live with those people . I think the amount I have to spend on gas and student parking is not even anywhere as costly . Report to Moderator Shall be absent from CR for undisclosed and indefinite period of time . Pomff 2673 cr points Send Message : Posted 4 / 26 / 13 I used to share a decent sized condo with a girl I met in one of my first semester college classes . She wanted to get out of her parents house so she was looking for someone who could afford to room with her and I was less than enthralled with my living situation at the time ( I was living with my ex ) so I took her up on the offer . She wasn 't terribly useful when it came to housework but she kept the house filled with groceries and didn 't mind me bringing girls home at all hours of the night so I let it slide . She was a pretty excellent roommate and the only reason I ended up moving out was because I bought a house with my fiance . You could always put out a want ad and meet with potential candidates , hitting up Craig 's list is another option . I 'm not sure if this 'll work for you but at the college I went to there were bulletin boards everywhere which I always noticed . Occasionally i 'd see flyers advertising that people were looking for roommates . I don 't know if they 're successful but it 's something to consider . Report to Moderator If I had a type it 'd be you , fortunately I don 't have a type so please stop . Camp1nCarl 155 cr points Send Message : Posted 4 / 26 / 13 It is the luck of the draw with roommates . I went in blind my first year of college and my roommate was really cool and laid back , so I lucked out . And second year my suite - mates in the room next to us are really cool too . For the most part I haven 't really heard to many people with horrible experiences ( but I have a heard a few ) . Like someone else suggested , you could try looking on craigslist ( although I had a friend that did and she HATES her roommates so who knows with that lol ) . I would suggest being open and respectful to your roommate right off the bat and lay some ground rules . If you are both respectful to each other you can usually work out most problems . In the end though , it is still the luck of the draw , good luck ! Report to Moderator Permalink Reply Posted 4 / 26 / 13 I give kudos to people who have the patience to move in with some random person they have never met before . From all the horror stories I 've heard from my friends it sounds like more often than not it is a disaster . Most of the people I know always move into an apartment the next year instead of spending more time in the dorms . I have no patience when it comes to people 's annoying tendencies so I know I would go crazy . Report to Moderator Taedrin 55496 cr points Send Message : My first two roommates were OK - until I found out that one of them hadn 't paid any rent after the second month . He disappeared , so the apartment office went after us for his rent money ( which happens with " joint and severally liable " leases , which are common . My other roommate decided he was going to take them to court ( despite the fact that he signed the contract . I ended up negotiating with the office and paid $ 500 instead of the full $ 3000 " owed " . I have no idea what my roommate decided to do , but I highly doubt he won . My second two roommates were great - we stayed out of each others way , didn 't eat each others food , and had friendly chats . It was all going fine until one of the roommates started cheating on his girlfriend . On the night it all came to light , I hear his girlfriend in his room crying , saying " stop , let me go ! " I had to threaten to call the cops - no idea what would have happened if I hadn 't . The next roommate is great - she was 40 years old and had been living with her parents due to the recession . She had found a job at Sam 's Club and moved in with us . She respects our privacy , doesn 't steal stuff , cleans up after herself and volunteered to do some of the chores around the apartment . My last roommate is an alright person - but not a good roommate at all . She is disabled , so she doesn 't have a job . She is constantly using the TV and constantly talking with her uncle on the phone . Since she can 't drive , she occasionally asks us to drive her to the grocery store , doctor 's office and hospital . Ever since she moved in , keeping the bathroom sanitary has become a problem - particularly the toilet seat . Being overweight should not be an excuse to be unsanitary . Nor should it be an excuse for not wearing pants properly . Worst of all , though , was the drama that she brought to the apartment . Her " friend " convinced her to get a smartphone and get added to her friend 's cell phone plan . Everyone pays their portion of the bill , and everything is fine , right ? Until her friend says that she needs to pay $ 300 per month and refuses to show her a copy of the bill . Obviously , being on a fixed income , she can 't afford $ 300 a month , so she tells her friend that she 's going to give the phone back the next day since she can 't afford it . At midnight her " friend " is banging on the door screaming for us to open up and give her the phone right then and there or else she is going to call the cops . Drama ensues , she gives the phone back , and her " friend " ends up breaking into her facebook account . But that 's not the end of the drama ! Later , she ends up going to an online dating site , and gives some random stranger her personal information . This stranger ends up calling and texting her with repeated death threats . The most disturbing part was that he knew what color shirt she was wearing . She ends up asking me for permission to call the cops ( WTF , WHY DO YOU NEED MY PERMISSION TO CALL THE COPS WHEN SOMEONE IS SENDING YOU DEATH THREATS ! ! ! ! ) . After I scold her for even thinking that she needed my permission to call 911 when she thinks her life is in danger , the cops show up , they call the guy back , tell him to leave her alone and I end up showing her how to block phone numbers on her phone after the guy starts calling and texting her after the police leave . Long story short , living with roommates can suck sometimes . I am glad that I am finally graduating and starting a career elsewhere . It will be nice being the one who controls who I live with for a change . Report to Moderator Gyava 23690 cr points Send Message : 2nd year - Very smooth . Lived with a strange white dude in an apartment ( met him at my guy buddies ' dorm first year ) but at least he was clean and paid rent . I 'd also occasionally live with the girl who let me share her dorm the first year since she got a studio and she 'd get lonely and upset sometimes . 3rd year - Got a house with the aforementioned girl and another two couples . Nightmare year . People would be inconsiderate of each others ' living situations , not pay rent on time , get lazy with cleaning duties . . . . . arguments and bad juju all around so we kicked them all out . The house had the landlord 's TV he left for us , washer and dryer , and a speaker system installed all around the house . Kitchen floor was new wood and the rest of the downstairs area was tile . Great place with good central heating and AC . 4th year - Renewed the house lease with my girl friend . We tried to get more roomies but they wouldn 't pay rent on time , were equally dirty and disruptive , and one tried to jack the landlord 's TV . We kicked them out and lived there , just the two of us , for half the remaining year . It was a vicious party year with parties literally at least once a week . Toward the end , we sort of had a falling out after she did something that pissed me off so I left , stop talking to her , and commuted for a while . 5th year - Got tired of commuting and looked for a place near school . My girl friend came back to me and apologized and wanted to talk to me again , so I gave her a chance and so far so good . We moved into a house already occupied by other people . It was the FILTHIEST house with all sorts of plumbing problems and plenty of dead and dying bugs . Nobody cleaned . Nobody took out the trash . Gross . When my kitchen items started getting stolen , I got really angry . Most of my cookware is antiquated with lots of sentimental value . I never did find the stuff they took even though they feigned innocence . We moved out into an apartment in fury . The apartment was pretty much a perfect living situation and I was satisfied with it until graduation . Report to Moderator Conjuring up the past is not remembering ; it is replacing . Satoshi - 7956 cr points Send Message : Posted 4 / 27 / 13 Damn some good / bad stories everyone . Well I 'm probably going to commute for a bit until I actually find some good people in the college too room with . I think that would be the best thing to do with my situation . Report to Moderator http : / / www . crunchyroll . com / group / Dreams _ of _ Japan Join this group if you want ! ! ! Assassinx89 64767 cr points Send Message : Posted 4 / 27 / 13 try the university facebook or there is generally info for student housing if you ask the school . If you room with a random roommate just " pray " they don 't suck . Make friends and consider switching rooms mid year if you find a friend you want to room with . Or ask if they have any " singles " so you can room by yourself . My university has a few but not a lot . Report to Moderator Legal Anime http : / / www . crunchyroll . com / user / Assassinx89 / pages / legalsites kyozlk 28037 cr points Send Message : Posted 4 / 28 / 13 , edited 4 / 28 / 13 I don 't normally post , but occasionally read threads . So here 's my go at this . I started UC Davis in 2004 . Freshman year , I got stuck with a guy from Alameda . He was cool , drank socially . First quarter he managed to pledge for the Pikes , so a lot of hazing involved . He came back drunk everyday at 2am . I got lucky and had a studio apartment because that was a year that UCD was unprepared for the huge influx of students , so there was a bathroom and shower . Since the hazing , he came back drunk , puked in the bathtub , puked in the sink ( it was flooded every time we turned on the water with his puke streaming back up ) , puked on the floor , puked on his bed ( and then he asked me to HELP him clean up ) . One morning at 4am , he took one of his pillows , tossed it on the floor and started peeing on it and then proceeded to go back to sleep . Notice here , that the toilet was no more than 20 feet away . He proceeded to then take that pillow a month later and sleep with it without washing it . That same year , I met two guys on the same floor . They were pretty cool , but they were heavy pot smokers . Our RA and everyone on the floor called the cops on them and they got busted , twice . The third time they got busted , they wanted me to hide a pound of weed in my room in the vents , to which I said , no ? I met two Chinese guys , moved in with them and lived with them for 3 years . The year after that , one of the guys I met on the floor I roomed with again because I needed someone . He seemed to have matured , but gradually regressed when we got a new guy to come in , who just newly transferred . The alcohol I was okay with , but they started smoking weed and started doing coke in the comfort of the apartment ? Not cool . They started to go out everyday to the bars , to which I said , that 's cool . Do your own thing . I minded my own business . One day , I 'm sleeping , the friend I met freshman year that moved in decides to walk into my room at 5am , piss all over my desk , ruining my paperwork , and then proceeded to sleep on the couch in my room , for about 45 minutes . What happened 45 minutes later ? He decides to get into bed with me . Here 's the kicker , he 's fully naked . I get out of my bed , and the girl he was dating came out and she was also in a daze . Before I realized it , he came running out of my room covering his junk before closing the door . I 'm guessing they got drugged ? Both had no recollection of what happened that night . The new guy that moved in was nowhere to be seen . New guy that came in , one day also went out with my friend and as I come back home around 9pm , I find laying outside passed out , pissed his pants . I had to drag him into the apartment because the other guy locked him out and he didn 't have keys . 20 minutes later he gets up and starts pissing on the fridge door before passing out again . Guess how I knew he pissed his pants ? I had to pull him by the legs . Not fun ! The last quarter before the year was over , they bought a puppy off Craigslist for $ 75 . I come back one day and find that little thing looking at me and barking . I think to myself , " someone 's dog ? " No . That thing proceeded to piss , poop and bark everywhere and I was never consulted because they thought it was a good deal . Everybody in the complex was jelly . The awesome thing was when we moved out . Property manager said , I know you guys had a dog in there and I know you didn 't do it . I don 't even have to take out my black light to see where it pissed and pooped everywhere . I 'm going to have to take your security deposit and charge you for new carpets . She never did . The last thing I heard from the new guy as we were moving out was that he and his girlfriend talked behind my back and called me a dick for not helping him move out . Excuse me ? You treated me like poop and expect me to come help you when you DIDN ' T EVEN ASK ? Thanks douche . I moved in with a few friends of mine after who were also fed up with their roommates and have been here for the past 4 years . Nobody I know can top my stories , and actually feel sorry for me at my poor luck in finding roommates . Next avenue for me is living alone since I 'm fully responsible for the mess I make . I get TIRED of having to ask people to clean up and they proceed to say , since you said that , I 'm not going to do it . Drives me insane . The moral of the story is , pick your roommates wisely . Set ground rules . If you can afford it and are self sustainable , live alone . Report to Moderator Quote Selected
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My best friend is on her honeymoon right now . I didn 't text her to check in to see if they 'd made it safely to their destination but she sent me a message once she arrived . Not a message to necessarily tell me that they 'd made it . She sent me her thoughts from a plane . I 'm not sure who started doing thoughts from a plane . I want to credit her with it because I feel like she was the first one who came up with it . But , it may have been me . I 'll have to confer and get back with you on that one . Anyway , thoughts from a plane are literally just that : your thoughts about what is going on around you while on a plane . Maybe we started doing it because it can get terribly boring being cooped up in an airplane for a long time . Or , it could 've been because you 're in such tight quarters that you can hear and see everything that everyone is doing . Either way , it 's funny to us to share our thoughts from a plane with each other . I wrote about it one time , if you want to read about it here . As I was saying , Jordan got married last weekend and part of my Maid of Honor duties were to write a speech , which I then relayed at her rehearsal dinner . I 'm not a great public speaker , but I 'm generally not terrible . I don 't think I did very well with this speech for two reasons 1 . I wasn 't quite sure what emotions were going to be going on , so I was a little apprehensive about being overly emotional . I made it through just fine though . 2 . I wasn 't sure what crowd size I 'd be speaking to , so I 'd made my speech more for a little bit more intimate of a gathering and there were quite a few people there . I feel like I 'm generally better when I 'm conveying thoughts through writing rather than speaking . It just comes more naturally . Even though I tend to write exactly as I would think / speak a thought . So , since I 'd written the speech anyway , I thought I 'd memorialize it in blog form . Because this seems like an official place to memorialize something of magnitude , right ? Here they are : my thoughts for my best friend on the evening before her wedding : When Jordan told me that I would need to make a speech tonight , I wasn 't really sure what a Maid of Honor speech should be like , so I just wrote what came to mind . Jordan and I have been friends for a long time . Our families have been friends for over 100 years , so we technically have a long history together . But , I didn 't grow up with her , so I never really officially met her until we were around 14 or 15 years old . I remember the first time I heard about Jordan . I had just switched schools and some of my friends were hanging out by my locker , talking about this girl and her shoes . I have never cared too much for fashion and as an 8th grader , I cared even less . But , there was apparently a girl walking around in pink stilettos . And it was Jordan . It 's ironic that my first memory of hearing about Jordan has to do with shoes , because I swear , the girl currently owns about 500 pairs . I really got to know Jordan in high school . We had a class together and the first day I walked into class , there she was , seated in front of my desk , crocheting . She had her yarn spread out and could care less what anyone thought about it . I thought maybe during the lecture , she would take notes , but she continued to crochet . We did our classwork together , probably mostly because I was the one with the notes , and also because we were two of the only girls in that class . I 'll not bore everyone with stories ofJordan wouldn 't let me have a slide show , but immediately , when I first started thinking about this speech , there was one picture of us that immediately came to mind . It was a picture of the two of us , on our last day of high school , right before we graduated . I had tried like everything to convince her to go to the University of Arkansas with me and she had likewise tried to convince me to go to OSU with her . But , both of us knew that the other place wasn 't where we were meant to be . So , we were going to be parting ways and on the last day of high school , that reality was sinking in a little bit more . You can tell in the picture that we had been teary eyed saying bye to all our friends . And , I know it seems a little bit childish now , but it was a big deal to us then . We were , in a tiny way , embarking into the unknown . We weren 't going to be full fledged adults by any means , because what 18 year old can really be considered an adult ? But , we were striking it out on our own . We had no idea the people we 'd meet or the new friends we 'd gain , most of whom for Jordan are seated here tonight . We had no idea if we 'd still be friends after it was all said and done . And , we had no idea the lives we 'd eventually lead . So , the tears were understandable . But had we known then what we know now , how even though this step from high school into adulthood was a bit daunting at first , how it lead to so many great things , we may have still been teary eyed , but not because we were sad for moving on , but because we were overwhelmed and happy for the new things to come . And , as I 'm writing this , I 'm expecting that there will be some tears as Jordan and Jade now prepare to enter into a new , exciting phase of their lives together . But now we know that if we get a little teary eyed , it 's not for sadness of what Jade and Jordan are leaving behind , but for joy for the life that they 're about to walk into . Congratulations Jordan and Jade ! I am so happy for both of you and can 't wait to see what blessings marriage briStandard There 's some political unrest in Korea , in case you haven 't heard . One of my friends sent me a message the other day about how they were glad we weren 't in South Korea right now , but I had just been wishing I were there . His message reminded me of this post I 'd written when I was there last . Same country , slightly different political outburst , but here it is : I accidentally got caught up in a political rally today . This happened in Thailand a few years ago , when I dared Jake to go wave the huge Thai flag . Jake at the Shutdown Bangkok rally I don 't know if political rallies can be your thing , but I really kinda like them . Such a sense of national pride , even if it isn 't my own nation . A couple of my friends are a news anchor and a journalist for a newspaper here in Seoul , so both of them have been catching me up on the political climate . Hyoseung , the news anchor This rally has nothing to do with North Korea , so no need for immediate concern . In case you don 't keep up on South Korean politics like I do , their president Park Geun - hye has recently been impeached . It 's a long story , but some people have accused her of being involved with a cult and all sorts of other things . She had a 5 % approval rating and was finally impeached a few weeks ago . As I am told by my friends , even though she 's been impeached , they are still calling for her to resign her position . ( Which if you 're reading this now , and not when I originally wrote it , you 'll know that she did resign ) . I 'm not exactly sure why , some of the more technical political terms get lost in translation . But , you get the basic idea . People aren 't happy with her . We were taking a taxi back to our hotel today when we were stopped by a lot of commotion . I knew that there was going to be a candlelight vigil tonight in the city ( as there has been every Saturday night since the impeachment ) to peacefully protest the president . I also knew that they were expecting a million people to show up to said candlelight vigil . I , however , did not know that the million people would be marching down the sidewalk that leads to our hotel to get to the point at which the protest would take place . Which is what the taxi driver hurriedly spouted off to us in Korean as he dumped us out in the middle of the madness . I love the Korean people because they openly embrace Americans . So , upon seeing that we were walking with them , we were quickly given flags to carry and Korean flag pins to wear . We were asked by about 100 different people where we were from . We had our pictures taken with more random people than I could keep track of . I eventually just stood off to the side , holding my Korean flag and waiting for people to come stand by me for their picture . Someone came up to us with a video camera to ask us questions and film us as we were walking along . Then , someone asked us what broadcasting network we were with . Which got me to thinAmerica , Animals , Celebration , Culture , Family , Farm , Funny , Outdoors , Summer , TravelPura Vida February 21 , 2017brittneylorelleCosta Rica , hike , horse , horseback , mountain , outdoors , pura vida , travel We found a boy with a machete to cut a way through the jungle to take us to see a waterfall . I wish it were less sketchy than it sounds , but it 's not . We were supposed to be fishing on Lake Arenal in Costa Rica . But , the wind had other ideas . So , Plan B ? A " horseback ride to a waterfall " . My mind is conjuring up images of a peaceful , smooth horseback ride down to a quaint waterfall , a splash in the water , then back on the horse and to the barn . This picture encapsulates my mental image . ( Also , there 's the lake I should 've been fishing in the background . ) What I didn 't have in mind was climbing up and down very steep hills ( more commonly called mountains ) on horseback and nearly sliding down the mountain on the back of said horse . I also didn 't realize that our guide would be a 15 year old boy with a machete and his uncle . Who didn 't speak much English . Or that it would be such a slippery , steep , and narrow " path " that I would need to hold someone 's hand the whole time to navigate . These poor guys had to switch spots to constantly be in front of me to help me every step of the way . I know this because they kept talking to each other and saying " ella " , which I knew was me because I was the only girl in our group of 4 . I only fell down twice , and laughed through most of it , as the ridiculousness of what we were doing kept setting in more and more . I also didn 't realize that this hike would take nearly two hours to complete and that it would be the most intense hike I 've ever done . So , here 's me , not thinking about what I 'm actually getting myself into . What 's new ? Standard I 've always heard that " when you meet the right one , you 'll just know . " Or " when you know , you know . " And I 've never understood that before . That certainty that the person you 're with is the person you 're supposed to be with for life . That sureness that this relationship is right . Everyone talks about these committed dating relationships and how they end in a pretty ring and a picture perfect wedding . But no one really talks about how they start . Oh sure , anyone will tell you their love story . You can trace it all back to the day everyone met . But , I 'm talking about more than that . The part that they don 't tell you . The part that is unseen by the rest of the world . The inner workings . I am a person with what I hope is a good amount of resolve . When I set it in my mind to do something , I 'll work to get it done . That 's not to say everything that I set out to do works out . It 's also not to say that I 'm invincible . But , the first step to getting anything done is determining in your mind what your goal is and going after it . This is what no one told me about committed relationships . You have to be ready for one . Not ready in the : I wish I had a boyfriend to go out and do fun things with . Or the , I 'm single and everyone else has someone , so I need someone too . Or the , I 'm reaching my mid - twenties and society is telling me that this is the time for me to find my person . I 've never been in a serious relationship before . And I can blame that on not meeting the right person yet , not " clicking " with the guys I 've dated , I could even blame them and say they weren 't ready . But in all actuality , I 'm realizing I was never ready . And there is nothing wrong with that . There is nothing wrong with not being ready to settle down . There is nothing wrong with having goals and ambitions that have nothing to do with a relationship . There is nothing irresponsible about living a happy , healthy single life . No one can tell you what your timing will be , when you 'll be ready or if you 'll ever be ready . There is no time stamp on when love has to come about . Because even if we 're ready , we can never really plan for love anyway . Sometimes , it just happens . Standard It seems like every day the Internet is coming out with a new saying . Call it slang , call it an abbreviation , call it annoying , but I can 't keep up . I got the original ones : the lol , idk , idc , even the wbu , the ily , omw , I 've got it . I got a little lost around the time when smh came about and I 'm not sure I 've caught up since then . But , I did catch the BFFL . Two things about this post to keep in mind : 1 . I wrote this in November . Before they were even engaged . Because I knew . 2 . Jordan doesn 't know I 'm posting this . Love you , Jorj ! My BFFL ( also known as best friend for life ) just found her BFFL ( a term recently coined by me , also known only by me as : boyfriend for life , which we can now call her fiancé . Or , we could just call him Jade ) My big question is : can I call him my BFBFFL ? ( Best friend 's boyfriend for life ) I 'll probably just continue to call him by his first name and save us all the confusion and explanations . They always say when you find " the one " , you 'll " just know " . I 'm not sure who " they " is . I 'm also unsure of who my " one " is because I 've never " just known " . I 'm pretty unsure of a lot of things in life , but in this case , my uncertainty produces certainty in the fact that I don 't think I 've found " the one " yet . I think sometimes maybe it takes a little while to recognize " the one " . Which is what your friends are for . Here 's my version of the saying : when you find " the one " , you may not know it , but your best friend certainly will . Which is where I come into play . I just need it to be universally known : I called this . Let us rewind and I 'll take you back to the exact moment . Let me set the scene . We were at a sweaty , dusty , tiny little airport in southern Laos and I was anxiously awaiting Jordan 's arrival . We 'd made plans in the preceding months that I would arrive in Laos a week earlier than her to begin teaching a nutrition program with a missionary there and she 'd join me to finish up . She would 've come with me , but she had the small matter of graduating with her master 's degree standing in our way . So , she stayed to graduate . After impatiently waiting for an hour , I finally spotted her . It wasn 't hard , being that we were the only two blonde people in the airport and stood a head taller than most everyone else . She 'd told me on the phone from Thailand the night before that she had a lot to fill me in on from her graduation week . I got the story on the ceremony , the festivities , family updates and the guest list . Then , she mentioned that she 'd met someone . They 'd gone out with a group of mutual friends and he was sweet . They 'd had a great time together . She proceeded to tell me about all of his best attributes and we both agreed that a lot of his qualities were what she was looking for in a significant other . There was only one down side to the transaction : he didn 't ask for her phone number . Note to all boys everywhere : if you meet a girl and you are interested in seeing her again , ask for her number . It 's the universal sign of interest . It will also save her ( and her friends ) the agony of trying to figure out if you really do like her and allow us all to skip to the " but how much do you think he likes me ? " conversation instead . So , that 's where 75 % of Jordan and I 's conversation ended up at for the next week . We went over the meeting , the conversations , the background , the exact exchanges . A Facebook friendship had begun , which was a decent substitute for the lack of phone number exchange . We atleast had that established . But , even though he hadn 't asked for her number yet and even though we weren 't 100 % sure he was even interested , the more and more I heard Jordan talk about this guy , the more convinced I became that he was " the one " . Remember , she 'd only met him the weekend before and I 'd never even met him at this point , but I " just knew " . So , I told her that . We were both in our cramped little hotel room , in the air conditioning , in the hottest part of the Lao afternoon , laying backwards on our twin sized beds , talking about this boy from Texas and I said : " Jordan , I think he might be ' the one . ' " And , she laughed . Not just like a light laugh , like haha , very funny . But , a real laugh . I was pretty certain though . I called it , ya 'll . From the very beginning . I 'll fast forward for you : phone numbers were exchanged , dating ensued , followed by a relationship , and here we are . I officially have a BFBFFL . Congrats , Jade and Jordan ! I can 't wait to celebrate you guys ( and the fact that I was right ) for the next few months ! Standard Jet lag has set in , which means I 'm up at 2 : 48 am drinking a coffee and eating a kiwi . From 3 - 4 am , I went to the hotel gym for some yoga to start off the day , then was at breakfast , wide eyed and ready by 6 . The unfortunate thing about being up so early is that nothing is open . So , it doesn 't really benefit you to go wander the streets . There is one place in the city that opens at dawn : the fish market . Early morning eel cleaningNoryangjin Fish Market is where all the best restaurants in the city come to buy their seafood . Not surprisingly , there were no other tourists there at 7 in the morning , so we were quite the spectacle . Probably because I kept stopping to take pictures of stuff like this . Is shark fishing even legal ? Yes , I wore white shoes this dayAfter our fish market tour , we made our way to a neat little shopping district . We ducked into a random restaurant that we walked by for lunch . It was the sort of place that requires you to take your shoes off at the door and sit on the floor to eat . When we were properly barefoot and seated , we realized that there was no menu in English . Our waitress also quickly realized that we didn 't speak Korean . A conundrum ensued , in which she was presumably asking us ( in Korean ) what we wanted to order . She was getting blank stares in return , so she did what any good waitress would do . Babbled at us in Korean , made a two sign , and just brought us something . Two steaming bowls of something . Still unsure of what we 'd gotten ourselves into , I started pulling out chunks of bone and meat , hoping to identify something . If you 'll remember back with me to What Did You Say ? , unidentifiable bowls of meat and vegetables don 't always work out in my favor . But , it tasted pretty good . Jake 's review of the stew was a little different than mine . I believe this is a correct direct quote : Later in the day when we met up with some friends , I hesitantly asked them exactly what we 'd eaten . It 's called Haejangguk , a spicy mixture of pork bones , vegetables , and broth . But , more commonly , it 's referred to as " Hangover Stew " . I 'm not sure if I should be offended that she mistook my jet lagged looking face for being hungover or thankful that introduced us to the delicious Korean remedy . Standard I literally feel like I 'm dusting the cobwebs off of this whole blog thing . I 've had good intentions . I always have good intentions . It 's on my list of best qualities on my resume ' . Right under " go getter " and right above " proficient with Microsoft Word " What happened is : October . It was the busiest month our business has ever experienced . So , I sat down in my office chair , buckled in , and rode it out . The last time I wrote something was on October 17 . A lot has happened since then . - The Cubs won the World Series . ( I was in Chicago on the day that went down , and I 've never seen more sports fans in my life ) - Trump became our president - elect . ( Equally crazy , I stayed up wayyyy too late watching that coverage ) - I went to Shanghai ( which I didn 't even post anything about , how 'd that happen ? ) Here 's a quick pic from rush hour in Shanghai , I 'll write more about it later . Promise . - And finally , we got some new [ massive ] screen printing equipment , which they sent a tech out to install . His name is Walt . We 've met once before . He came in and said : do you remember me ? Yes , I remember you , Walt . He 's nice and he likes my music . He 's almost done with the install and I 'm currently hiding behind a stack of t - shirts , hoping he 'll quit chit chatting and leave so I can go eat dinner . That pretty much sums up how my day has been . Pieces of the machine we got It seems like everyone thinks that owning a business is the ideal set up , the " American Dream " . You get to set your own hours ! Mine were 7 am - 6 : 30 pm today , so that 's how that works , in case anyone was wondering . Not ideal . Everyone thinks you live a life on easy street , but somehow I got stuck around the corner at " this is hard and I don 't know exactly what I 'm doing and it takes more time and energy and patience than I ever imagined " avenue . I 'm still wandering around with my map , so I 'll let you know when I find this easy street everyone loves so much . I 'm really not that cynical . It 's definitely got it 's own unique perks and challenges . Like conducting job interviews . Perk because you get to evaluate the people you 're going to work with . Challenge because I 've never personally been through a job interview . That 's not to say that I haven 't had my share of jobs . I 've done the standard babysitting , lawn mowing routines when I was in school . I worked at my uncle 's local drug store through high school . But , that didn 't really require a job interview . It was more that the phone was ringing while I was there and I started answering it and I knew how to do what the customer needed , so I just did it and started turning in my hours . I also did a typical Arkansas job for awhile : working on a chicken farm . If you ever want to know about a dirty job , go work on a chicken farm . But , farm jobs don 't usually require an interview either . As we were getting ready to interview a potential employee , Jake told me to prepare my questions that I wanted to ask . So , I spent some time thinking about it over a couple days , trying to figure out what I needed to know about this guy , what things would most effect the way he and I would cohesively work together . I compiled my list and Jake compiled his , so when he asked me if I knew what I wanted to ask , I was ready . I 've heard interviews are stressful , but the interview day came and I wasn 't nervous at all . The poor guy we were interviewing - a pertinent question , pretty basic , one you 'd expect - also a very pertinent question . I can tell a lot about a person by their favorite historical era . If you like ancient Chinese dynasties , we probably aren 't going to get each other very well . His answer : Middle Eastern history . That 's a pass , I can be fine with that . Not the best answer he could 've given me , but it 's okay . Jake : " what were your requirements at your last job ? " - straightforward , to the point . Brittney : " what 's your favorite food ? " - again , tells a lot about a person . You could pretty much give me any answer and it would probably pass . Unless it 's Pop Tarts or French fries or some other boring thing like that . He said he wasn 't picky and liked pretty much everything . He obviously doesn 't know my personal definition for a person who " isn 't picky " , but I can 't fault him for that . In my mind though , I know he 's probably more picky than I would prefer . I 'll give him a very slight pass on that one . Jacob : " how many hours a week do you expect to work ? " - he said " rock " , which was too generic for me . I listen to music most of the day and my music choices annoy most people , so that was not a pass . Jake : do you have references ? Brittney : what was your least favorite class in college ? - an Ancient Greek class . Interesting , I 'll give him that . So , point from me . Jake proceeded with a few more questions that I didn 't really care about . I had all the information I needed . So , there it is , ya 'll can consider those cobwebs dusted . I 've got good intentions to post more often now , but because we know how good intentions go , we 'll just play it by ear . Standard
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My best friend is on her honeymoon right now . I didn 't text her to check in to see if they 'd made it safely to their destination but she sent me a message once she arrived . Not a message to necessarily tell me that they 'd made it . She sent me her thoughts from a plane . I 'm not sure who started doing thoughts from a plane . I want to credit her with it because I feel like she was the first one who came up with it . But , it may have been me . I 'll have to confer and get back with you on that one . Anyway , thoughts from a plane are literally just that : your thoughts about what is going on around you while on a plane . Maybe we started doing it because it can get terribly boring being cooped up in an airplane for a long time . Or , it could 've been because you 're in such tight quarters that you can hear and see everything that everyone is doing . Either way , it 's funny to us to share our thoughts from a plane with each other . I wrote about it one time , if you want to read about it here . As I was saying , Jordan got married last weekend and part of my Maid of Honor duties were to write a speech , which I then relayed at her rehearsal dinner . I 'm not a great public speaker , but I 'm generally not terrible . I don 't think I did very well with this speech for two reasons 1 . I wasn 't quite sure what emotions were going to be going on , so I was a little apprehensive about being overly emotional . I made it through just fine though . 2 . I wasn 't sure what crowd size I 'd be speaking to , so I 'd made my speech more for a little bit more intimate of a gathering and there were quite a few people there . I feel like I 'm generally better when I 'm conveying thoughts through writing rather than speaking . It just comes more naturally . Even though I tend to write exactly as I would think / speak a thought . So , since I 'd written the speech anyway , I thought I 'd memorialize it in blog form . Because this seems like an official place to memorialize something of magnitude , right ? Here they are : my thoughts for my best friend on the evening before her wedding : When Jordan told me that I would need to make a speech tonight , I wasn 't really sure what a Maid of Honor speech should be like , so I just wrote what came to mind . Jordan and I have been friends for a long time . Our families have been friends for over 100 years , so we technically have a long history together . But , I didn 't grow up with her , so I never really officially met her until we were around 14 or 15 years old . I remember the first time I heard about Jordan . I had just switched schools and some of my friends were hanging out by my locker , talking about this girl and her shoes . I have never cared too much for fashion and as an 8th grader , I cared even less . But , there was apparently a girl walking around in pink stilettos . And it was Jordan . It 's ironic that my first memory of hearing about Jordan has to do with shoes , because I swear , the girl currently owns about 500 pairs . I really got to know Jordan in high school . We had a class together and the first day I walked into class , there she was , seated in front of my desk , crocheting . She had her yarn spread out and could care less what anyone thought about it . I thought maybe during the lecture , she would take notes , but she continued to crochet . We did our classwork together , probably mostly because I was the one with the notes , and also because we were two of the only girls in that class . I 'll not bore everyone with stories ofJordan wouldn 't let me have a slide show , but immediately , when I first started thinking about this speech , there was one picture of us that immediately came to mind . It was a picture of the two of us , on our last day of high school , right before we graduated . I had tried like everything to convince her to go to the University of Arkansas with me and she had likewise tried to convince me to go to OSU with her . But , both of us knew that the other place wasn 't where we were meant to be . So , we were going to be parting ways and on the last day of high school , that reality was sinking in a little bit more . You can tell in the picture that we had been teary eyed saying bye to all our friends . And , I know it seems a little bit childish now , but it was a big deal to us then . We were , in a tiny way , embarking into the unknown . We weren 't going to be full fledged adults by any means , because what 18 year old can really be considered an adult ? But , we were striking it out on our own . We had no idea the people we 'd meet or the new friends we 'd gain , most of whom for Jordan are seated here tonight . We had no idea if we 'd still be friends after it was all said and done . And , we had no idea the lives we 'd eventually lead . So , the tears were understandable . But had we known then what we know now , how even though this step from high school into adulthood was a bit daunting at first , how it lead to so many great things , we may have still been teary eyed , but not because we were sad for moving on , but because we were overwhelmed and happy for the new things to come . And , as I 'm writing this , I 'm expecting that there will be some tears as Jordan and Jade now prepare to enter into a new , exciting phase of their lives together . But now we know that if we get a little teary eyed , it 's not for sadness of what Jade and Jordan are leaving behind , but for joy for the life that they 're about to walk into . Congratulations Jordan and Jade ! I am so happy for both of you and can 't wait to see what blessings marriage briStandard There 's some political unrest in Korea , in case you haven 't heard . One of my friends sent me a message the other day about how they were glad we weren 't in South Korea right now , but I had just been wishing I were there . His message reminded me of this post I 'd written when I was there last . Same country , slightly different political outburst , but here it is : I accidentally got caught up in a political rally today . This happened in Thailand a few years ago , when I dared Jake to go wave the huge Thai flag . Jake at the Shutdown Bangkok rally I don 't know if political rallies can be your thing , but I really kinda like them . Such a sense of national pride , even if it isn 't my own nation . A couple of my friends are a news anchor and a journalist for a newspaper here in Seoul , so both of them have been catching me up on the political climate . Hyoseung , the news anchor This rally has nothing to do with North Korea , so no need for immediate concern . In case you don 't keep up on South Korean politics like I do , their president Park Geun - hye has recently been impeached . It 's a long story , but some people have accused her of being involved with a cult and all sorts of other things . She had a 5 % approval rating and was finally impeached a few weeks ago . As I am told by my friends , even though she 's been impeached , they are still calling for her to resign her position . ( Which if you 're reading this now , and not when I originally wrote it , you 'll know that she did resign ) . I 'm not exactly sure why , some of the more technical political terms get lost in translation . But , you get the basic idea . People aren 't happy with her . We were taking a taxi back to our hotel today when we were stopped by a lot of commotion . I knew that there was going to be a candlelight vigil tonight in the city ( as there has been every Saturday night since the impeachment ) to peacefully protest the president . I also knew that they were expecting a million people to show up to said candlelight vigil . I , however , did not know that the million people would be marching down the sidewalk that leads to our hotel to get to the point at which the protest would take place . Which is what the taxi driver hurriedly spouted off to us in Korean as he dumped us out in the middle of the madness . I love the Korean people because they openly embrace Americans . So , upon seeing that we were walking with them , we were quickly given flags to carry and Korean flag pins to wear . We were asked by about 100 different people where we were from . We had our pictures taken with more random people than I could keep track of . I eventually just stood off to the side , holding my Korean flag and waiting for people to come stand by me for their picture . Someone came up to us with a video camera to ask us questions and film us as we were walking along . Then , someone asked us what broadcasting network we were with . Which got me to thinAmerica , Animals , Celebration , Culture , Family , Farm , Funny , Outdoors , Summer , TravelPura Vida February 21 , 2017brittneylorelleCosta Rica , hike , horse , horseback , mountain , outdoors , pura vida , travel We found a boy with a machete to cut a way through the jungle to take us to see a waterfall . I wish it were less sketchy than it sounds , but it 's not . We were supposed to be fishing on Lake Arenal in Costa Rica . But , the wind had other ideas . So , Plan B ? A " horseback ride to a waterfall " . My mind is conjuring up images of a peaceful , smooth horseback ride down to a quaint waterfall , a splash in the water , then back on the horse and to the barn . This picture encapsulates my mental image . ( Also , there 's the lake I should 've been fishing in the background . ) What I didn 't have in mind was climbing up and down very steep hills ( more commonly called mountains ) on horseback and nearly sliding down the mountain on the back of said horse . I also didn 't realize that our guide would be a 15 year old boy with a machete and his uncle . Who didn 't speak much English . Or that it would be such a slippery , steep , and narrow " path " that I would need to hold someone 's hand the whole time to navigate . These poor guys had to switch spots to constantly be in front of me to help me every step of the way . I know this because they kept talking to each other and saying " ella " , which I knew was me because I was the only girl in our group of 4 . I only fell down twice , and laughed through most of it , as the ridiculousness of what we were doing kept setting in more and more . I also didn 't realize that this hike would take nearly two hours to complete and that it would be the most intense hike I 've ever done . So , here 's me , not thinking about what I 'm actually getting myself into . What 's new ? Standard I 've always heard that " when you meet the right one , you 'll just know . " Or " when you know , you know . " And I 've never understood that before . That certainty that the person you 're with is the person you 're supposed to be with for life . That sureness that this relationship is right . Everyone talks about these committed dating relationships and how they end in a pretty ring and a picture perfect wedding . But no one really talks about how they start . Oh sure , anyone will tell you their love story . You can trace it all back to the day everyone met . But , I 'm talking about more than that . The part that they don 't tell you . The part that is unseen by the rest of the world . The inner workings . I am a person with what I hope is a good amount of resolve . When I set it in my mind to do something , I 'll work to get it done . That 's not to say everything that I set out to do works out . It 's also not to say that I 'm invincible . But , the first step to getting anything done is determining in your mind what your goal is and going after it . This is what no one told me about committed relationships . You have to be ready for one . Not ready in the : I wish I had a boyfriend to go out and do fun things with . Or the , I 'm single and everyone else has someone , so I need someone too . Or the , I 'm reaching my mid - twenties and society is telling me that this is the time for me to find my person . I 've never been in a serious relationship before . And I can blame that on not meeting the right person yet , not " clicking " with the guys I 've dated , I could even blame them and say they weren 't ready . But in all actuality , I 'm realizing I was never ready . And there is nothing wrong with that . There is nothing wrong with not being ready to settle down . There is nothing wrong with having goals and ambitions that have nothing to do with a relationship . There is nothing irresponsible about living a happy , healthy single life . No one can tell you what your timing will be , when you 'll be ready or if you 'll ever be ready . There is no time stamp on when love has to come about . Because even if we 're ready , we can never really plan for love anyway . Sometimes , it just happens . Standard It seems like every day the Internet is coming out with a new saying . Call it slang , call it an abbreviation , call it annoying , but I can 't keep up . I got the original ones : the lol , idk , idc , even the wbu , the ily , omw , I 've got it . I got a little lost around the time when smh came about and I 'm not sure I 've caught up since then . But , I did catch the BFFL . Two things about this post to keep in mind : 1 . I wrote this in November . Before they were even engaged . Because I knew . 2 . Jordan doesn 't know I 'm posting this . Love you , Jorj ! My BFFL ( also known as best friend for life ) just found her BFFL ( a term recently coined by me , also known only by me as : boyfriend for life , which we can now call her fiancé . Or , we could just call him Jade ) My big question is : can I call him my BFBFFL ? ( Best friend 's boyfriend for life ) I 'll probably just continue to call him by his first name and save us all the confusion and explanations . They always say when you find " the one " , you 'll " just know " . I 'm not sure who " they " is . I 'm also unsure of who my " one " is because I 've never " just known " . I 'm pretty unsure of a lot of things in life , but in this case , my uncertainty produces certainty in the fact that I don 't think I 've found " the one " yet . I think sometimes maybe it takes a little while to recognize " the one " . Which is what your friends are for . Here 's my version of the saying : when you find " the one " , you may not know it , but your best friend certainly will . Which is where I come into play . I just need it to be universally known : I called this . Let us rewind and I 'll take you back to the exact moment . Let me set the scene . We were at a sweaty , dusty , tiny little airport in southern Laos and I was anxiously awaiting Jordan 's arrival . We 'd made plans in the preceding months that I would arrive in Laos a week earlier than her to begin teaching a nutrition program with a missionary there and she 'd join me to finish up . She would 've come with me , but she had the small matter of graduating with her master 's degree standing in our way . So , she stayed to graduate . After impatiently waiting for an hour , I finally spotted her . It wasn 't hard , being that we were the only two blonde people in the airport and stood a head taller than most everyone else . She 'd told me on the phone from Thailand the night before that she had a lot to fill me in on from her graduation week . I got the story on the ceremony , the festivities , family updates and the guest list . Then , she mentioned that she 'd met someone . They 'd gone out with a group of mutual friends and he was sweet . They 'd had a great time together . She proceeded to tell me about all of his best attributes and we both agreed that a lot of his qualities were what she was looking for in a significant other . There was only one down side to the transaction : he didn 't ask for her phone number . Note to all boys everywhere : if you meet a girl and you are interested in seeing her again , ask for her number . It 's the universal sign of interest . It will also save her ( and her friends ) the agony of trying to figure out if you really do like her and allow us all to skip to the " but how much do you think he likes me ? " conversation instead . So , that 's where 75 % of Jordan and I 's conversation ended up at for the next week . We went over the meeting , the conversations , the background , the exact exchanges . A Facebook friendship had begun , which was a decent substitute for the lack of phone number exchange . We atleast had that established . But , even though he hadn 't asked for her number yet and even though we weren 't 100 % sure he was even interested , the more and more I heard Jordan talk about this guy , the more convinced I became that he was " the one " . Remember , she 'd only met him the weekend before and I 'd never even met him at this point , but I " just knew " . So , I told her that . We were both in our cramped little hotel room , in the air conditioning , in the hottest part of the Lao afternoon , laying backwards on our twin sized beds , talking about this boy from Texas and I said : " Jordan , I think he might be ' the one . ' " And , she laughed . Not just like a light laugh , like haha , very funny . But , a real laugh . I was pretty certain though . I called it , ya 'll . From the very beginning . I 'll fast forward for you : phone numbers were exchanged , dating ensued , followed by a relationship , and here we are . I officially have a BFBFFL . Congrats , Jade and Jordan ! I can 't wait to celebrate you guys ( and the fact that I was right ) for the next few months ! Standard Jet lag has set in , which means I 'm up at 2 : 48 am drinking a coffee and eating a kiwi . From 3 - 4 am , I went to the hotel gym for some yoga to start off the day , then was at breakfast , wide eyed and ready by 6 . The unfortunate thing about being up so early is that nothing is open . So , it doesn 't really benefit you to go wander the streets . There is one place in the city that opens at dawn : the fish market . Early morning eel cleaningNoryangjin Fish Market is where all the best restaurants in the city come to buy their seafood . Not surprisingly , there were no other tourists there at 7 in the morning , so we were quite the spectacle . Probably because I kept stopping to take pictures of stuff like this . Is shark fishing even legal ? Yes , I wore white shoes this dayAfter our fish market tour , we made our way to a neat little shopping district . We ducked into a random restaurant that we walked by for lunch . It was the sort of place that requires you to take your shoes off at the door and sit on the floor to eat . When we were properly barefoot and seated , we realized that there was no menu in English . Our waitress also quickly realized that we didn 't speak Korean . A conundrum ensued , in which she was presumably asking us ( in Korean ) what we wanted to order . She was getting blank stares in return , so she did what any good waitress would do . Babbled at us in Korean , made a two sign , and just brought us something . Two steaming bowls of something . Still unsure of what we 'd gotten ourselves into , I started pulling out chunks of bone and meat , hoping to identify something . If you 'll remember back with me to What Did You Say ? , unidentifiable bowls of meat and vegetables don 't always work out in my favor . But , it tasted pretty good . Jake 's review of the stew was a little different than mine . I believe this is a correct direct quote : Later in the day when we met up with some friends , I hesitantly asked them exactly what we 'd eaten . It 's called Haejangguk , a spicy mixture of pork bones , vegetables , and broth . But , more commonly , it 's referred to as " Hangover Stew " . I 'm not sure if I should be offended that she mistook my jet lagged looking face for being hungover or thankful that introduced us to the delicious Korean remedy . Standard I literally feel like I 'm dusting the cobwebs off of this whole blog thing . I 've had good intentions . I always have good intentions . It 's on my list of best qualities on my resume ' . Right under " go getter " and right above " proficient with Microsoft Word " What happened is : October . It was the busiest month our business has ever experienced . So , I sat down in my office chair , buckled in , and rode it out . The last time I wrote something was on October 17 . A lot has happened since then . - The Cubs won the World Series . ( I was in Chicago on the day that went down , and I 've never seen more sports fans in my life ) - Trump became our president - elect . ( Equally crazy , I stayed up wayyyy too late watching that coverage ) - I went to Shanghai ( which I didn 't even post anything about , how 'd that happen ? ) Here 's a quick pic from rush hour in Shanghai , I 'll write more about it later . Promise . - And finally , we got some new [ massive ] screen printing equipment , which they sent a tech out to install . His name is Walt . We 've met once before . He came in and said : do you remember me ? Yes , I remember you , Walt . He 's nice and he likes my music . He 's almost done with the install and I 'm currently hiding behind a stack of t - shirts , hoping he 'll quit chit chatting and leave so I can go eat dinner . That pretty much sums up how my day has been . Pieces of the machine we got It seems like everyone thinks that owning a business is the ideal set up , the " American Dream " . You get to set your own hours ! Mine were 7 am - 6 : 30 pm today , so that 's how that works , in case anyone was wondering . Not ideal . Everyone thinks you live a life on easy street , but somehow I got stuck around the corner at " this is hard and I don 't know exactly what I 'm doing and it takes more time and energy and patience than I ever imagined " avenue . I 'm still wandering around with my map , so I 'll let you know when I find this easy street everyone loves so much . I 'm really not that cynical . It 's definitely got it 's own unique perks and challenges . Like conducting job interviews . Perk because you get to evaluate the people you 're going to work with . Challenge because I 've never personally been through a job interview . That 's not to say that I haven 't had my share of jobs . I 've done the standard babysitting , lawn mowing routines when I was in school . I worked at my uncle 's local drug store through high school . But , that didn 't really require a job interview . It was more that the phone was ringing while I was there and I started answering it and I knew how to do what the customer needed , so I just did it and started turning in my hours . I also did a typical Arkansas job for awhile : working on a chicken farm . If you ever want to know about a dirty job , go work on a chicken farm . But , farm jobs don 't usually require an interview either . As we were getting ready to interview a potential employee , Jake told me to prepare my questions that I wanted to ask . So , I spent some time thinking about it over a couple days , trying to figure out what I needed to know about this guy , what things would most effect the way he and I would cohesively work together . I compiled my list and Jake compiled his , so when he asked me if I knew what I wanted to ask , I was ready . I 've heard interviews are stressful , but the interview day came and I wasn 't nervous at all . The poor guy we were interviewing - a pertinent question , pretty basic , one you 'd expect - also a very pertinent question . I can tell a lot about a person by their favorite historical era . If you like ancient Chinese dynasties , we probably aren 't going to get each other very well . His answer : Middle Eastern history . That 's a pass , I can be fine with that . Not the best answer he could 've given me , but it 's okay . Jake : " what were your requirements at your last job ? " - straightforward , to the point . Brittney : " what 's your favorite food ? " - again , tells a lot about a person . You could pretty much give me any answer and it would probably pass . Unless it 's Pop Tarts or French fries or some other boring thing like that . He said he wasn 't picky and liked pretty much everything . He obviously doesn 't know my personal definition for a person who " isn 't picky " , but I can 't fault him for that . In my mind though , I know he 's probably more picky than I would prefer . I 'll give him a very slight pass on that one . Jacob : " how many hours a week do you expect to work ? " - he said " rock " , which was too generic for me . I listen to music most of the day and my music choices annoy most people , so that was not a pass . Jake : do you have references ? Brittney : what was your least favorite class in college ? - an Ancient Greek class . Interesting , I 'll give him that . So , point from me . Jake proceeded with a few more questions that I didn 't really care about . I had all the information I needed . So , there it is , ya 'll can consider those cobwebs dusted . I 've got good intentions to post more often now , but because we know how good intentions go , we 'll just play it by ear . Standard
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My best friend is on her honeymoon right now . I didn 't text her to check in to see if they 'd made it safely to their destination but she sent me a message once she arrived . Not a message to necessarily tell me that they 'd made it . She sent me her thoughts from a plane . I 'm not sure who started doing thoughts from a plane . I want to credit her with it because I feel like she was the first one who came up with it . But , it may have been me . I 'll have to confer and get back with you on that one . Anyway , thoughts from a plane are literally just that : your thoughts about what is going on around you while on a plane . Maybe we started doing it because it can get terribly boring being cooped up in an airplane for a long time . Or , it could 've been because you 're in such tight quarters that you can hear and see everything that everyone is doing . Either way , it 's funny to us to share our thoughts from a plane with each other . I wrote about it one time , if you want to read about it here . As I was saying , Jordan got married last weekend and part of my Maid of Honor duties were to write a speech , which I then relayed at her rehearsal dinner . I 'm not a great public speaker , but I 'm generally not terrible . I don 't think I did very well with this speech for two reasons 1 . I wasn 't quite sure what emotions were going to be going on , so I was a little apprehensive about being overly emotional . I made it through just fine though . 2 . I wasn 't sure what crowd size I 'd be speaking to , so I 'd made my speech more for a little bit more intimate of a gathering and there were quite a few people there . I feel like I 'm generally better when I 'm conveying thoughts through writing rather than speaking . It just comes more naturally . Even though I tend to write exactly as I would think / speak a thought . So , since I 'd written the speech anyway , I thought I 'd memorialize it in blog form . Because this seems like an official place to memorialize something of magnitude , right ? Here they are : my thoughts for my best friend on the evening before her wedding : When Jordan told me that I would need to make a speech tonight , I wasn 't really sure what a Maid of Honor speech should be like , so I just wrote what came to mind . Jordan and I have been friends for a long time . Our families have been friends for over 100 years , so we technically have a long history together . But , I didn 't grow up with her , so I never really officially met her until we were around 14 or 15 years old . I remember the first time I heard about Jordan . I had just switched schools and some of my friends were hanging out by my locker , talking about this girl and her shoes . I have never cared too much for fashion and as an 8th grader , I cared even less . But , there was apparently a girl walking around in pink stilettos . And it was Jordan . It 's ironic that my first memory of hearing about Jordan has to do with shoes , because I swear , the girl currently owns about 500 pairs . I really got to know Jordan in high school . We had a class together and the first day I walked into class , there she was , seated in front of my desk , crocheting . She had her yarn spread out and could care less what anyone thought about it . I thought maybe during the lecture , she would take notes , but she continued to crochet . We did our classwork together , probably mostly because I was the one with the notes , and also because we were two of the only girls in that class . I 'll not bore everyone with stories ofJordan wouldn 't let me have a slide show , but immediately , when I first started thinking about this speech , there was one picture of us that immediately came to mind . It was a picture of the two of us , on our last day of high school , right before we graduated . I had tried like everything to convince her to go to the University of Arkansas with me and she had likewise tried to convince me to go to OSU with her . But , both of us knew that the other place wasn 't where we were meant to be . So , we were going to be parting ways and on the last day of high school , that reality was sinking in a little bit more . You can tell in the picture that we had been teary eyed saying bye to all our friends . And , I know it seems a little bit childish now , but it was a big deal to us then . We were , in a tiny way , embarking into the unknown . We weren 't going to be full fledged adults by any means , because what 18 year old can really be considered an adult ? But , we were striking it out on our own . We had no idea the people we 'd meet or the new friends we 'd gain , most of whom for Jordan are seated here tonight . We had no idea if we 'd still be friends after it was all said and done . And , we had no idea the lives we 'd eventually lead . So , the tears were understandable . But had we known then what we know now , how even though this step from high school into adulthood was a bit daunting at first , how it lead to so many great things , we may have still been teary eyed , but not because we were sad for moving on , but because we were overwhelmed and happy for the new things to come . And , as I 'm writing this , I 'm expecting that there will be some tears as Jordan and Jade now prepare to enter into a new , exciting phase of their lives together . But now we know that if we get a little teary eyed , it 's not for sadness of what Jade and Jordan are leaving behind , but for joy for the life that they 're about to walk into . Congratulations Jordan and Jade ! I am so happy for both of you and can 't wait to see what blessings marriage briStandard There 's some political unrest in Korea , in case you haven 't heard . One of my friends sent me a message the other day about how they were glad we weren 't in South Korea right now , but I had just been wishing I were there . His message reminded me of this post I 'd written when I was there last . Same country , slightly different political outburst , but here it is : I accidentally got caught up in a political rally today . This happened in Thailand a few years ago , when I dared Jake to go wave the huge Thai flag . Jake at the Shutdown Bangkok rally I don 't know if political rallies can be your thing , but I really kinda like them . Such a sense of national pride , even if it isn 't my own nation . A couple of my friends are a news anchor and a journalist for a newspaper here in Seoul , so both of them have been catching me up on the political climate . Hyoseung , the news anchor This rally has nothing to do with North Korea , so no need for immediate concern . In case you don 't keep up on South Korean politics like I do , their president Park Geun - hye has recently been impeached . It 's a long story , but some people have accused her of being involved with a cult and all sorts of other things . She had a 5 % approval rating and was finally impeached a few weeks ago . As I am told by my friends , even though she 's been impeached , they are still calling for her to resign her position . ( Which if you 're reading this now , and not when I originally wrote it , you 'll know that she did resign ) . I 'm not exactly sure why , some of the more technical political terms get lost in translation . But , you get the basic idea . People aren 't happy with her . We were taking a taxi back to our hotel today when we were stopped by a lot of commotion . I knew that there was going to be a candlelight vigil tonight in the city ( as there has been every Saturday night since the impeachment ) to peacefully protest the president . I also knew that they were expecting a million people to show up to said candlelight vigil . I , however , did not know that the million people would be marching down the sidewalk that leads to our hotel to get to the point at which the protest would take place . Which is what the taxi driver hurriedly spouted off to us in Korean as he dumped us out in the middle of the madness . I love the Korean people because they openly embrace Americans . So , upon seeing that we were walking with them , we were quickly given flags to carry and Korean flag pins to wear . We were asked by about 100 different people where we were from . We had our pictures taken with more random people than I could keep track of . I eventually just stood off to the side , holding my Korean flag and waiting for people to come stand by me for their picture . Someone came up to us with a video camera to ask us questions and film us as we were walking along . Then , someone asked us what broadcasting network we were with . Which got me to thinAmerica , Animals , Celebration , Culture , Family , Farm , Funny , Outdoors , Summer , TravelPura Vida February 21 , 2017brittneylorelleCosta Rica , hike , horse , horseback , mountain , outdoors , pura vida , travel We found a boy with a machete to cut a way through the jungle to take us to see a waterfall . I wish it were less sketchy than it sounds , but it 's not . We were supposed to be fishing on Lake Arenal in Costa Rica . But , the wind had other ideas . So , Plan B ? A " horseback ride to a waterfall " . My mind is conjuring up images of a peaceful , smooth horseback ride down to a quaint waterfall , a splash in the water , then back on the horse and to the barn . This picture encapsulates my mental image . ( Also , there 's the lake I should 've been fishing in the background . ) What I didn 't have in mind was climbing up and down very steep hills ( more commonly called mountains ) on horseback and nearly sliding down the mountain on the back of said horse . I also didn 't realize that our guide would be a 15 year old boy with a machete and his uncle . Who didn 't speak much English . Or that it would be such a slippery , steep , and narrow " path " that I would need to hold someone 's hand the whole time to navigate . These poor guys had to switch spots to constantly be in front of me to help me every step of the way . I know this because they kept talking to each other and saying " ella " , which I knew was me because I was the only girl in our group of 4 . I only fell down twice , and laughed through most of it , as the ridiculousness of what we were doing kept setting in more and more . I also didn 't realize that this hike would take nearly two hours to complete and that it would be the most intense hike I 've ever done . So , here 's me , not thinking about what I 'm actually getting myself into . What 's new ? Standard I 've always heard that " when you meet the right one , you 'll just know . " Or " when you know , you know . " And I 've never understood that before . That certainty that the person you 're with is the person you 're supposed to be with for life . That sureness that this relationship is right . Everyone talks about these committed dating relationships and how they end in a pretty ring and a picture perfect wedding . But no one really talks about how they start . Oh sure , anyone will tell you their love story . You can trace it all back to the day everyone met . But , I 'm talking about more than that . The part that they don 't tell you . The part that is unseen by the rest of the world . The inner workings . I am a person with what I hope is a good amount of resolve . When I set it in my mind to do something , I 'll work to get it done . That 's not to say everything that I set out to do works out . It 's also not to say that I 'm invincible . But , the first step to getting anything done is determining in your mind what your goal is and going after it . This is what no one told me about committed relationships . You have to be ready for one . Not ready in the : I wish I had a boyfriend to go out and do fun things with . Or the , I 'm single and everyone else has someone , so I need someone too . Or the , I 'm reaching my mid - twenties and society is telling me that this is the time for me to find my person . I 've never been in a serious relationship before . And I can blame that on not meeting the right person yet , not " clicking " with the guys I 've dated , I could even blame them and say they weren 't ready . But in all actuality , I 'm realizing I was never ready . And there is nothing wrong with that . There is nothing wrong with not being ready to settle down . There is nothing wrong with having goals and ambitions that have nothing to do with a relationship . There is nothing irresponsible about living a happy , healthy single life . No one can tell you what your timing will be , when you 'll be ready or if you 'll ever be ready . There is no time stamp on when love has to come about . Because even if we 're ready , we can never really plan for love anyway . Sometimes , it just happens . Standard It seems like every day the Internet is coming out with a new saying . Call it slang , call it an abbreviation , call it annoying , but I can 't keep up . I got the original ones : the lol , idk , idc , even the wbu , the ily , omw , I 've got it . I got a little lost around the time when smh came about and I 'm not sure I 've caught up since then . But , I did catch the BFFL . Two things about this post to keep in mind : 1 . I wrote this in November . Before they were even engaged . Because I knew . 2 . Jordan doesn 't know I 'm posting this . Love you , Jorj ! My BFFL ( also known as best friend for life ) just found her BFFL ( a term recently coined by me , also known only by me as : boyfriend for life , which we can now call her fiancé . Or , we could just call him Jade ) My big question is : can I call him my BFBFFL ? ( Best friend 's boyfriend for life ) I 'll probably just continue to call him by his first name and save us all the confusion and explanations . They always say when you find " the one " , you 'll " just know " . I 'm not sure who " they " is . I 'm also unsure of who my " one " is because I 've never " just known " . I 'm pretty unsure of a lot of things in life , but in this case , my uncertainty produces certainty in the fact that I don 't think I 've found " the one " yet . I think sometimes maybe it takes a little while to recognize " the one " . Which is what your friends are for . Here 's my version of the saying : when you find " the one " , you may not know it , but your best friend certainly will . Which is where I come into play . I just need it to be universally known : I called this . Let us rewind and I 'll take you back to the exact moment . Let me set the scene . We were at a sweaty , dusty , tiny little airport in southern Laos and I was anxiously awaiting Jordan 's arrival . We 'd made plans in the preceding months that I would arrive in Laos a week earlier than her to begin teaching a nutrition program with a missionary there and she 'd join me to finish up . She would 've come with me , but she had the small matter of graduating with her master 's degree standing in our way . So , she stayed to graduate . After impatiently waiting for an hour , I finally spotted her . It wasn 't hard , being that we were the only two blonde people in the airport and stood a head taller than most everyone else . She 'd told me on the phone from Thailand the night before that she had a lot to fill me in on from her graduation week . I got the story on the ceremony , the festivities , family updates and the guest list . Then , she mentioned that she 'd met someone . They 'd gone out with a group of mutual friends and he was sweet . They 'd had a great time together . She proceeded to tell me about all of his best attributes and we both agreed that a lot of his qualities were what she was looking for in a significant other . There was only one down side to the transaction : he didn 't ask for her phone number . Note to all boys everywhere : if you meet a girl and you are interested in seeing her again , ask for her number . It 's the universal sign of interest . It will also save her ( and her friends ) the agony of trying to figure out if you really do like her and allow us all to skip to the " but how much do you think he likes me ? " conversation instead . So , that 's where 75 % of Jordan and I 's conversation ended up at for the next week . We went over the meeting , the conversations , the background , the exact exchanges . A Facebook friendship had begun , which was a decent substitute for the lack of phone number exchange . We atleast had that established . But , even though he hadn 't asked for her number yet and even though we weren 't 100 % sure he was even interested , the more and more I heard Jordan talk about this guy , the more convinced I became that he was " the one " . Remember , she 'd only met him the weekend before and I 'd never even met him at this point , but I " just knew " . So , I told her that . We were both in our cramped little hotel room , in the air conditioning , in the hottest part of the Lao afternoon , laying backwards on our twin sized beds , talking about this boy from Texas and I said : " Jordan , I think he might be ' the one . ' " And , she laughed . Not just like a light laugh , like haha , very funny . But , a real laugh . I was pretty certain though . I called it , ya 'll . From the very beginning . I 'll fast forward for you : phone numbers were exchanged , dating ensued , followed by a relationship , and here we are . I officially have a BFBFFL . Congrats , Jade and Jordan ! I can 't wait to celebrate you guys ( and the fact that I was right ) for the next few months ! Standard Jet lag has set in , which means I 'm up at 2 : 48 am drinking a coffee and eating a kiwi . From 3 - 4 am , I went to the hotel gym for some yoga to start off the day , then was at breakfast , wide eyed and ready by 6 . The unfortunate thing about being up so early is that nothing is open . So , it doesn 't really benefit you to go wander the streets . There is one place in the city that opens at dawn : the fish market . Early morning eel cleaningNoryangjin Fish Market is where all the best restaurants in the city come to buy their seafood . Not surprisingly , there were no other tourists there at 7 in the morning , so we were quite the spectacle . Probably because I kept stopping to take pictures of stuff like this . Is shark fishing even legal ? Yes , I wore white shoes this dayAfter our fish market tour , we made our way to a neat little shopping district . We ducked into a random restaurant that we walked by for lunch . It was the sort of place that requires you to take your shoes off at the door and sit on the floor to eat . When we were properly barefoot and seated , we realized that there was no menu in English . Our waitress also quickly realized that we didn 't speak Korean . A conundrum ensued , in which she was presumably asking us ( in Korean ) what we wanted to order . She was getting blank stares in return , so she did what any good waitress would do . Babbled at us in Korean , made a two sign , and just brought us something . Two steaming bowls of something . Still unsure of what we 'd gotten ourselves into , I started pulling out chunks of bone and meat , hoping to identify something . If you 'll remember back with me to What Did You Say ? , unidentifiable bowls of meat and vegetables don 't always work out in my favor . But , it tasted pretty good . Jake 's review of the stew was a little different than mine . I believe this is a correct direct quote : Later in the day when we met up with some friends , I hesitantly asked them exactly what we 'd eaten . It 's called Haejangguk , a spicy mixture of pork bones , vegetables , and broth . But , more commonly , it 's referred to as " Hangover Stew " . I 'm not sure if I should be offended that she mistook my jet lagged looking face for being hungover or thankful that introduced us to the delicious Korean remedy . Standard I literally feel like I 'm dusting the cobwebs off of this whole blog thing . I 've had good intentions . I always have good intentions . It 's on my list of best qualities on my resume ' . Right under " go getter " and right above " proficient with Microsoft Word " What happened is : October . It was the busiest month our business has ever experienced . So , I sat down in my office chair , buckled in , and rode it out . The last time I wrote something was on October 17 . A lot has happened since then . - The Cubs won the World Series . ( I was in Chicago on the day that went down , and I 've never seen more sports fans in my life ) - Trump became our president - elect . ( Equally crazy , I stayed up wayyyy too late watching that coverage ) - I went to Shanghai ( which I didn 't even post anything about , how 'd that happen ? ) Here 's a quick pic from rush hour in Shanghai , I 'll write more about it later . Promise . - And finally , we got some new [ massive ] screen printing equipment , which they sent a tech out to install . His name is Walt . We 've met once before . He came in and said : do you remember me ? Yes , I remember you , Walt . He 's nice and he likes my music . He 's almost done with the install and I 'm currently hiding behind a stack of t - shirts , hoping he 'll quit chit chatting and leave so I can go eat dinner . That pretty much sums up how my day has been . Pieces of the machine we got It seems like everyone thinks that owning a business is the ideal set up , the " American Dream " . You get to set your own hours ! Mine were 7 am - 6 : 30 pm today , so that 's how that works , in case anyone was wondering . Not ideal . Everyone thinks you live a life on easy street , but somehow I got stuck around the corner at " this is hard and I don 't know exactly what I 'm doing and it takes more time and energy and patience than I ever imagined " avenue . I 'm still wandering around with my map , so I 'll let you know when I find this easy street everyone loves so much . I 'm really not that cynical . It 's definitely got it 's own unique perks and challenges . Like conducting job interviews . Perk because you get to evaluate the people you 're going to work with . Challenge because I 've never personally been through a job interview . That 's not to say that I haven 't had my share of jobs . I 've done the standard babysitting , lawn mowing routines when I was in school . I worked at my uncle 's local drug store through high school . But , that didn 't really require a job interview . It was more that the phone was ringing while I was there and I started answering it and I knew how to do what the customer needed , so I just did it and started turning in my hours . I also did a typical Arkansas job for awhile : working on a chicken farm . If you ever want to know about a dirty job , go work on a chicken farm . But , farm jobs don 't usually require an interview either . As we were getting ready to interview a potential employee , Jake told me to prepare my questions that I wanted to ask . So , I spent some time thinking about it over a couple days , trying to figure out what I needed to know about this guy , what things would most effect the way he and I would cohesively work together . I compiled my list and Jake compiled his , so when he asked me if I knew what I wanted to ask , I was ready . I 've heard interviews are stressful , but the interview day came and I wasn 't nervous at all . The poor guy we were interviewing - a pertinent question , pretty basic , one you 'd expect - also a very pertinent question . I can tell a lot about a person by their favorite historical era . If you like ancient Chinese dynasties , we probably aren 't going to get each other very well . His answer : Middle Eastern history . That 's a pass , I can be fine with that . Not the best answer he could 've given me , but it 's okay . Jake : " what were your requirements at your last job ? " - straightforward , to the point . Brittney : " what 's your favorite food ? " - again , tells a lot about a person . You could pretty much give me any answer and it would probably pass . Unless it 's Pop Tarts or French fries or some other boring thing like that . He said he wasn 't picky and liked pretty much everything . He obviously doesn 't know my personal definition for a person who " isn 't picky " , but I can 't fault him for that . In my mind though , I know he 's probably more picky than I would prefer . I 'll give him a very slight pass on that one . Jacob : " how many hours a week do you expect to work ? " - he said " rock " , which was too generic for me . I listen to music most of the day and my music choices annoy most people , so that was not a pass . Jake : do you have references ? Brittney : what was your least favorite class in college ? - an Ancient Greek class . Interesting , I 'll give him that . So , point from me . Jake proceeded with a few more questions that I didn 't really care about . I had all the information I needed . So , there it is , ya 'll can consider those cobwebs dusted . I 've got good intentions to post more often now , but because we know how good intentions go , we 'll just play it by ear . Standard
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Back in November , we quietly passed the anniversary of the first post at " Turn Him Out ! " At the time , the season was racing to its spectacular finale and the birthday of the blog wasn 't nearly so important as trying to stay up to speed with the results of each weekend 's event . Now the season is nearly seven weeks behind us , and in just a little over two more , the 2009 season will kick off on the day after New Year 's in Baltimore , so maybe it 's time to take stock . The 2008 season threw me a lot of curves , most of which I 'd have to lump into the category of " throwing stuff against the wall . " As sometimes happens , though , almost none of what got thrown stuck , and as Ruby would opine , some of what did stick " didn 't work out too good . " Here are a few items that come immediately to mind . · Lauding the Next Great White ( American ) Hope . When Justin McBride announced that he would miss roughly the first half of the season to have surgery on his shoulder , it became clear pretty quickly that some folks at PBR headquarters , or at Versus , or maybe at both , were panicking because there would be no returning American hero to praise to the skies . During PBR broadcasts , there was an instant rush to latch onto the first U . S . citizen who had ridden decently and to start hollering about how he was a contender for the world title . Guys who passed through this revolving door included Travis Briscoe , Wiley Peterson , and Sean Willingham . All the while , of course , Guilherme Marchi was launching his ( ultimately ) successful run for the world title , and from the beginning of the season he rode like he would not be denied , but instead of doing the obvious and lifting him up for our admiring gazes , the Powers That Be gave him only the cursory tip of the hat . The fans were not slow to point out this inequity , which of course sparked loud denials that American riders were getting more attention than Marchi was . I do not believe that every human being on the planet is irresistibly prejudiced in favor of his / her own , to sStockyard Queen As crabby , cantankerous , sarcastic , and even rude as I can be sometimes , every once in a while something challenges me to re - evaluate a long - held opinion , and I 'm gratified to learn that I can change my mind and benefit from the process . Thus I feel no fear when I tell you that the rider I was most impressed with , and the one I ultimately ended up feeling sorry for , during the PBR World Finals is Chris Shivers . This is mostly a testimony to the fact that no matter what you think you know , you probably don 't know everything , and sometimes what you don 't know makes all the difference . It powerfully underscores the admonition " Judge not , that ye be not judged , " and gives me reason to hope that I , and everyone else , might be able to keep an open mind and thus improve as a human being . You think I 'm joking , but I 'm really not . Ruby grew up poor on a dirt farm in a Southern state , and she had precious little beyond determination and a rock - solid set of values to get her out of there . Some of her prejudices make me shiver whenever she takes them out for a stroll , and yet she also has a remarkable delicacy in her dealings with people that bespeaks her fundamental generosity , even for people she doesn 't know or doesn 't agree with . I got the shock of my life several years ago when Ruby , who regards gay people with suspicion , if not some level of fear , asked me why Anne Heche had ended up in somebody 's backyard in Fresno , mumbling incoherently , just after she and Ellen Degeneres had broken up . " I think she was drunk , " I said carefully . " Oh , " said my mother . " I thought her heart was probably broken . " If I never learned anything from Ruby beyond that willingness to walk in somebody else 's shoes , I would still owe her a tremendous debt . I guess my attitude toward Shivers started changing when he got stepped on in Hawaii two years ago yesterday and broke both his leg and his ankle . It was an ugly wreck , and an injury I wouldn 't wish on my worst enemy . Oh , maybe on her , but still , you get my drift . This season in Chicago , Cowboy slammed Shivers headfirst into the front of the bucking chute and broke his left cheekbone and eye socket . ( Maybe that 's the injury I should be wishing on she who will not be named . ) That was another awful accident , and I began to feel it was time the little guy caught a break . But when Shivers turned up at the 2008 finals after being away for nearly four months , and told Leah Garcia that the surgery he 'd had to repair a herniated disc in his neck had gone great , I suddenly understood something that hadn 't been evident . Anyone who has ever suffered with herniated discs knows that kind of pain will eat you alive . It makes you short - tempered and peevish , and it 's amazing to me that Shivers managed to get out of bed in the morning and onto the backs of as many bulls as he did with such an injury . Shivers said that until he woke up from surgery , he really had had no idea of how bad he 'd been feeling , or how good he could feel . And he went right back to riding like the champion he is , covering five bulls in his trademark style . Then in the seventh round , he rode Walk The Line for 91 . 5 points , only to get thrown into the corner post and stepped on in the dismount . I have to wonder if , had he not taken that shot , he might have ridden Troubadour in the short - go , and given Robson Palermo a run for the event title . As it was , he finished fourth , a mere 82 points behind Palermo , and anybody who has watched the sport for any length of time knows well that 82 points is a day off for Chris Shivers . Basically , it 's one mediocre ride , and Shivers almost never turns in a mediocre effort . I 'm really glad that Shivers has gotten some relief , but the fact that he rode through that pain for as long as he did makes me respect him even more . He might be the walking definition of " cowboy up . " One thing is for certain , Shivers left nothing on the table at the finals . Every time the gate swung open , he brought it . I look forward to seeing him bring it next season . Sometimes it 's the little things that tell the whole tale . An interesting aspect of the coverage of Justin McBride 's retirement at the PBR World Finals was that for the first time I can recall , McBride 's discomfort with all the hoopla was increasingly evident . I don 't mean to suggest that he was rude or short when he was on camera , because he was unfailingly polite . It just seemed to me that the strain of having people in his face all the time was finally starting to show , or maybe it was just the relief of knowing he wouldn 't have to put up with it much longer that was showing . In Fried Twinkies and Buckle Bunnies , Josh Peter describes McBride as wild and profane in the locker room , so it must have taken McBride a while to learn how to talk to the media without blurting out something inappropriate . The closest he came to outright saying he was tired of it all was during an interview early on the first weekend of the finals , when Justin McKee cornered him to talk about his ride . McBride dispensed the usual platitudes about the bull in question , but then he said something that caused McKee to immediately back off and say , in effect , he knew McBride didn 't enjoy that sort of thing . But there was another moment , in the piece about McBride 's decision to retire , when he said that he was retiring because he didn 't enjoy riding bulls anymore and was looking forward to doing something different . He specifically said he wasn 't going to miss being interviewed and all that sort of thing , and at that moment , I thought I might have glimpsed a flash of that kid that Peters spent time with during the 2004 season . Even though I hated it every single time the Hyping Justin machine started up on Versus , I never thought that McBride was inviting it , and on at least one occasion , he rather pointedly said that Marchi was the best bull rider in the world this season . Unfortunately , the folks who should have been paying attention just as pointedly ignored what he was saying and continued to laud him to the skies and mPosted by Folks , after many weeks of wandering in the wilderness of work , the Stockyard Queen just can 't seem to quit posting about the PBR World Finals . I had planned to write a tribute to Adriano Moraes , but our loyal reader Sheila actually was fortunate enough to attend the finals and go to Adriano 's retirement luncheon , and she has graciously sent me a report of the experiences she and her husband had there . So I am going to let Sheila 's account stand as a salute to Adriano here . I am also grateful to her for generously permitting me to illustrate this post with some of the photos she made on the trip . Unfortunately , I can only post a few here , but if you click on the link , it should take you to her entire slideshow , which I recommend highly . Ladies and gentlemen , I present to you , with ruffles and flourishes , this guest post , and I invite you , at Sheila 's suggestion , to also visit her husband 's URL , where he has a PBR section as well : www . budrudesill . com Reflections of the PBR World Finals by Sheila The PBR World Finals in Las Vegas were the first and most likely the last finals my husband , Bud , and I will attend . 2008 was the perfect year for us to go , what with Adriano 's retirement party , my retirement , Guilherme 's probable win , and the 15th anniversary of the PBR . Most of the pre - shows , especially the first weekend , were awesome with the usual pyrotechnics , music loud enough and exciting enough to get even the most complacent fan clapping or stomping their feet . But the best was yet to come - the riders and the bulls ! How thrilling to see Mike Lee doing acrobatics while being lowered into the arena from the rigging overhead , and Guilherme Marchi emerging from the cockpit of a fighter jet ! The atmosphere for our 11 - day stay was electric - everything from The Fan Zone , the drafts , the Meet & Greets , Flint 's radio show , the mutton busting , the hotel elevator door opening to Wiley Peterson , JB Mauney , Guilherme , Adriano , and several of their wives and children , to the main events at Thomas & Mack . Guilherme is thPosted by I would be completely remiss in my self - appointed position as humble chronicler of all things PBR if I didn 't talk about Robson Palermo 's stellar performance at the World Finals . In this case , it 's not a chore , it 's a pleasure . Palermo has been one of Montana Barn Cat 's favorites since he first appeared on the BFTS in 2006 ( the nickname " Jungle Boy " had a lot to do with his enthusiasm ) , and over the 2008 season , he grew on me , as well . In many ways , Palermo was riding under the radar till the very end of the finals . Guilherme Marchi 's quest to win his first world title was the main story , and rightly so , but there were also the retirements of Justin McBride and Adriano Moraes to distract us , and of course J . B . Mauney started off riding like a house afire , winning three of the first four rounds . Renato Nunes and Valdiron de Oliveria were both in the running for the world title , as much as anybody could be , given Marchi 's commanding lead . And then along came Robson , just quietly getting the job done . He rode seven of his eight bulls , only getting bucked off Voodoo Child in round two . Certainly there 's no shame in that - Voodoo Child has only been ridden once in nine outs over the past two seasons . And the more he rode , the higher he seemed to score . His lowest score came on the third night , when he got 85 . 75 for staying aboard Lost in Paradise . He ended up with three 90 - plus point rides , and finished off the short - go by riding Camo for 87 points . It seemed like the judges suddenly woke up that second weekend and realized Palermo was coming up on the outside , and closing on the finish line fast . All this was an amazing display of consistency and style on Robson 's part , but it is doubly interesting when you consider that he was out with injuries a lot of the season . He rode in 27 of the 33 events , which is no slouch , but also isn 't going to put you in a position to win the world title when several of the top contenders are getting to every event . His injuries over the past year read like a litaPosted by Now that I have offered up my congratulations to My Main Man Guilherme Marchi , and handed out my gold star award for the best ride of the PBR World Finals , it 's time to consider the very best part of the entire seven - day event : the bulls . This was the most exciting finals I 've ever watched , and practically all that excitement was because the bulls Cody Lambert wrangled were the best in the world . Let 's face it - Marchi 's sizable lead going into the finals made it all but impossible for anybody to catch him . As Justin McKee observed several times , any rider coming up behind him would have had to ride EVERYTHING , and Marchi would have had to fall off EVERYTHING , for anyone else to have had a fighting chance at taking the championship away from him . As nervous as we were , we all knew in our hearts that that wasn 't going to happen , didn 't we ? Renato Nunes , in second when the event started , was riding just over half his bulls . That 's a commendable stat in a sport in which anything over about 33 percent is rare , but it still means he was getting bucked off half the time . J . B . Mauney , who rode four bulls and won three go - rounds before getting dumped in round five , ended up riding about 60 percent of the time . Marchi was riding about 75 percent of the time when the finals started , and he was riding just about that when the dust settled last Thursday night . Nothing and nobody was going to beat Marchi - he would have had to beat himself , and short of an injury serious enough to knock him out of competition entirely , he was not going to be beaten . No how , no way , Copperhead Slinger notwithstanding . As much as we love watching Guilherme ride , as much as we wanted to see him win after three seasons as the bridesmaid , what that all could have added up to is one dull World Finals . Frankly , when I watched the first round on Halloween night , I got worried that it was going to be duller than dishwater , what with the Pussy Pen in the house and boys who 'd hardly ridden all year sticking like they were glued to their Posted by Anybody who has stopped by this blog knows that nobody here is shy about voicing an opinion , though one of the truly gratifying aspects of this community is that everybody seems determined to be polite . I can 't tell you how much I appreciate that - I really don 't want to spend my time refereeing dog fights and tossing flamers overboard . So since I feel like I 'm in the company of friends here , it 's time for me to stand up and say , Ladies and gentlemen , I was wrong , and I admit it ! Maybe it wasn 't so much that I was wrong about anything factual , or even that I was all that wrong about my attitude . You all know how I feel about J . B . Mauney . I haven 't been reticent about telling the world that I think he needs to quit throwing equipment and kicking gates and acting like he 's 12 instead of 21 when things don 't go his way . A lot of people have had it a lot worse than J . B . Mauney , have endured a lot more and done it with grace , if not with a smile , and it wouldn 't hurt him to think a little about his place in the great chain of human suffering and cool his jets . And if there 's one thing I 'm sick of hearing , it 's that J . B . is a perfectionist and " he 's just upset with himself , that 's why he has to blow off some steam . " Here 's a newsflash for you : Perfectionism is not a virtue , it 's a self - serving neurosis . If you 're a perfectionist , you get to feel superior to everybody because obviously you 're so much better than they are , what with your excellent skills and your can - do attitude and your detemination not to let anybody work harder than you do , but you still get to flagellate yourself when you fall short of your own impossible standards . And you will , because you 're human . What could possibly be better ? There 's no way to win , which is the point of perfectionism . Nobody wins , ever . Especially those of us who have to suffer the aftermath . My vocation is one of the least forgiving imaginable - if you let a spelling mistake get into print , you are likely to hear about it literally fPosted by Since the last four nights of the 2008 World Finals added up to the greatest extravaganza of bull riding I 've ever been privileged to witness , I have decided that I need to bite it off in little chunks to have the remotest chance of doing it justice . So I have to start by paying my respects to the great Guilherme Marchi , the PBR World Champion for 2008 . It is almost impossible to adequately summarize what an amazing season Marchi has had . Of course , I could always turn to the stats - five event wins , 15 times in the top five , 19 times in the top 10 , 13 90 - plus point rides , 14 consecutive rides , seven rides out of eight at the finals , and an overall riding percentage of 74 . 75 - but one stat really tells the whole tale . Marchi competed in 33 events this season - every single BFTS held this year . Only four of the top ten riders accomplished that , and besides the good fortune to avoid serious injury , this achievement points to single - mindness and concentration on all their parts . Marchi , however , extended his single - mindedness and concentration beyond just getting to the event , to climbing on the backs of 99 bulls and riding 74 of them . His mastery of the mechanics is just amazing to see , and he did it again , and again , and again , all season long . And was there ever anybody happier to be competing ? Was there ever anybody so set on being the bride , not the bridesmaid , this time around ? Was there ever anybody so determined to conquer the challenges he faces , whether it 's riding a rank one or speaking a foreign language in front of thousands of fans in the arena and tens of thousands more out in the television audience ? Was there anybody within earshot whose heart didn 't rush out to him when he proclaimed Sunday night that he was " living my American dream " ? Was there ever a more manly moment in all the history of the PBR than right after Guilherme won the title Saturday night , when that grey - haired gentleman beside him atop the cage kept hugging him and kissing his cheek ? Oh , maybe there was - that moment when , down on the arena floor , Marchi and Adriano Moraes collided in a cosmic bear hug , and the confetti and the cheers kept cascading down on them like blessings . I don 't know if there was a dry eye in the house in Vegas right then , but I can tell you , there weren 't any in my living room . It remains to be seen whether Guilherme Marchi will become the first to win back - to - back world titles , but if he never climbs on the back of another bull , he has earned his place in the panoply of champions , not just because of his riding , but also because of his attitude and his conduct . He is a worthy successor to the mantle of Adriano Moraes , and an excellent representative of the sport . I will never forget the show he put on for us this season . My heartiest congratulations , Guilherme Marchi ! We hope to see you back in Vegas , leading the pack , this time next year . Good afernoon , folks , the Stockyard Queen now brings you , with mixed emotions , the latest installment of SoCal Jay 's adventures in bull riding mania . I 'm feeling a little sad because soon SoCal Jay will no longer be a rookie and he will become as jaded and cynical as , er , I am . But in the meantime , I invite you to enjoy his wide - eyed wonder as he experiences the finals of our beloved sport for the first time . Remember when we all felt that way ? Ladies and gentlemen , I present : Episode Six : " Omygawd " all over again Seeking relief from the painful pressures of the presidential election , and noting that the Las Vegas finals were in progress , I reviewed the first five or six rounds of the competition , this morning . I was blown away . Again . Mind you , it ain 't easy to appreciate the finer nuances of ANYTHING on the screen of a 12 - inch iBook , but even so what I watched was stunning , thanks to the PBR website . To cite but one example , how in the HELL does Guilherme " All the ladies love me " Marchi ride that bull in round five ( if memory serves ) called " Scaredy Cat " ? With one hand ? How does a man or anyone at all DO that ? I dunno . I just know it blows my ever - lovin ' mind . The courage of it . The folly of it . It 's insane , clearly , but it 's also beautiful Meanwhile , I 'm quite sure the bulls themselves think : " Yeah , well , all that 's well and good . But give us 10 seconds , or even 20 , and THEN see what happens . " Ha ! Not that most humans would ever consider riding a bull for fun , let alone to make a living . And bulls certainly don 't think in such existential ways . Still , I wonder about such things , which prolongs the simple fact that I need to mow the yard , today . Gather round , children , for I need to testify . I am weary with well ( and not so well ) doing . This fall has been one of the most difficult of my life , what with a sudden windfall of work that started in early September , issues with family and friends too far away for me to lend much more than moral support , ailing pets , and this damned presidential election . Folks , I am worried and flurried and sometimes almost paralyzed , checking the polls and the news and declaring that I 'm THROUGH watching any political coverage , only to be lured back almost immediately for another fix . This is what addiction feels like , and I don 't like it one bit , but I seem to be helpless to do anything about it , which is the other part about addiction , of course . Only two things are going to pull me through , the first being that come Wednesday morning , one of those guys will be our guy and it will be time for all of us to set aside what divides us and come together to support him and one another . And come Thursday night , the PBR Finals will be back on Versus . I truthfully cannot express what a relief it was to think about nothing for three days running besides riders and bulls . Thursday night , which was without a doubt the most boring PBR performance I 've seen since the big Tulsa debacle , I quite literally watched with tears of gratitude running down my face , so great was my relief at being able to forget all this other crap and only pay attention to what was going on in Vegas . Which wasn 't much , let 's be truthful . If ever a bunch of bulls were worthy of the name " Pussy Pen , " the crew that bucked ( using the word kindly ) on Thursday night was it . I cannot for the life of me figure out why the PBR always runs in the easy bulls on the first night of the finals , unless they are looking to drag some unknowing passersby in off the streets of Vegas and charm them with the spectacle of a bunch of guys twirling around atop bulls that should by now be on their way to Burger King . But you know what ? I didn 't care ! I didn 't give a damStockyard Queen Friends and colleagues , we have arrived at the precipice and now we are looking over the edge and asking ourselves , where did the season go ? It seems only yesterday I was bitching about how the PBR had cancelled the Cincinnati event at the last minute - remember that ? It was nearly a year ago now ! How time flies when you 're having fun ! But we 've weathered it , all 33 BFTS events , a few Challenger events , the Team Shoot - out , and the Grudge Match , and in two weeks , we will all be glued to the tube , watching the finals in Vegas . If my circumstances were a little different , I 'd probably be grateful for the break , since once Vegas starts up there will be no let - up , but I 've worked at least part of every weekend for the past month , so I 'm actually a little bummed that I 'll have no PBR action on my first full weekend off . Maybe I better look for another little job to fill in all the empty hours . I always get a kick out of the Mohegan Sun Invitational , because it 's at that totally insane Indian casino up in Connecticut , and the interior shots of the crazy waterfalls and so forth cheer me right up . And generally speaking , I was okay with the way the event panned out , since the only competitor who gained any ground on Guilherme was Valdiron . But I would be cheating myself ( and my loyal readers ) if I didn 't offer up some acerbic observations on the event in particular and the sport in general . I have to warn you that most of what follows is based strictly on my personal prejudices , and of course you are welcome to disagree loudly in the comments field if you feel so moved . Of course , if you want to agree or just " jine in , " as they say where I grew up , you are equally welcome . Cowboys who came back too soonThere are three riders in particular who have come back from pretty serious injuries recently , and every one of them should have just skipped this event ( and quite possibly a few earlier ones ) and tried to heal up for the finals . They include Brian Canter ( head laceration and broken jaw ) and Travis BriscStockyard Queen Gentle readers , I greet you today somewhat mollified because on Sunday afternoon , having worked most of Saturday , I managed to watch one hour of X - Treme Bulls in Cody , Wyoming , four hours of the PBR in Cincinnati , and a bonus hour in the form of CW 's series " In Harm 's Way , " which focused on professional bull riders . Thus , I feel like I finally managed to get enough bull riding into my system to keep me from just going crazy under this huge pile of work . Not that I 'm complaining about having plenty to do . I feel really fortunate to be in that position , given the way the economy is imploding all around us . Had I to rank my bull - riding watching , I 'd have to say ( sorry , Jean and William ) that the X - Treme Bulls event , filmed over the 4th of July weekend , just did not cut it . It was pleasant to see the old stomping ground , of course , what with the mountains looming up behind the Cody Stampede stadium , but frankly , the riders were nothing to write home about and the bulls , er , sucked . The only bull I recognized was Nervous Waters , who appears to be on the downhill slide to the packing plant , but he did manage to buck his rider off right smart . One thing I did like about it was that the scores were relatively low , but since just about every cowboy managed to ride , that didn 't help my attitude much . And I was really conflicted about seeing Wesley Silcox , because it only reminded me that after he and Dustin Elliott won the PBR Team Shootout in Molalla , Oregon on August 9 , Silcox got stepped on during an X - Treme Bulls event in Bremerton , Washington , on August 24 and suffered a broken leg . I am not sure whether he 's been back in action since , but at the very least , it had to slow him down some . The PBR events in Oakland and Cincinnati did calm my nerves some , since Guilherme Marchi is riding rather better than he was . He got bucked off his bull in the short - go , but he still came in sixth overall , and J . B . Mauney , Mike Lee , and Valdiron didn 't gain any ground on him . I 'm not quite ready to relax totally , bPosted by Jacksonville is behind us , Oakland is looming , and those of us who have cheered for Guilherme Marchi all season are getting very , very nervous . J . B . Mauney , who has a bad habit of throwing stuff and kicking gates when he doesn 't ride well , is suddenly riding very well indeed , and though he has a big gap to close before he can hope to beat Marchi for the world title , it 's certainly looking like he 's making a real run for it . There 's a saying in sports that you want to peak at the right time , and Mauney , who has ridden hot and cold all season , does appear to be peaking just in time for the mad dash to the finals . To make matters worse , Marchi is now riding hot and cold , falling off about every other bull , and though he is still gathering up a few points , I 'm worried sick that the long season is finally taking its toll on him . Obviously , I 'll be on the edge of my seat this weekend , twisting my hands and cheering him on . I don 't think I will be able to stand it if Marchi chokes this late in the game and comes in third for the fourth time . In other news , FINALLY the higher ups at the PBR seem to have figured out that we 've heard enough about Justin Almighty already , thank you very much . Perhaps the body slams the Grand Rapids coverage took on Keith Cartwright 's blog sobered them up a little . Of course , PBR fans are not a shy bunch in general , but still , I 've not seen before a such concerted and well reasoned outcry before I did to McBride 's miraculous 7 . 7 second ride that won him $ 15 , 000 and put him over the $ 5 million mark in career earnings . A whole lot of folks were just plain pissed off , and they said so , right on the PBR 's website . At any rate , in Jacksonville , Craig Hummer and J . W . Hart managed to curb their enthusiasm and get on with the event at hand . Justin McKee , of course , still had to race right down and interview McBride after he rode a wimpy bull to a standstill for a mediocre score , but even McBride 's good buddy J . W . couldn 't resist asking why he rated an interview when he waPosted by Ladies and gentlemen , the Stockyard Queen proudly presents the latest installment of Mr . SoCal Jay 's ongoing initiation into the addictive sport of professional bull riding . She assures you all that she will be posting something in a day or two about the Jacksonville event , but in the meantime she begs you to enjoy this stellar contribution to the literature . Without further ado , here is : Episode Five : Cooking Beef vs . Watching Beef Buck - - an Inquiry into Values Sugar Muffin and I arrived at the rather palatial estate of Al and Sue , up there in Arroyo Grande , just in time for cocktails . I 'd no sooner put my bag down when I asked , " Are you SURE you get the Versus channel , sir ? " Al assured me that he did , and directly inquired if I might care for a glass of champagne . I did . Soon thereafter , he showed me the small , round , thick filets , each wrapped with a strip of bacon affixed in place by a large wooden toothpick . " I may need your help with these , " he said . " You 'll be fine , " I nodded . " Sear them on a medium - high heat for a minute or two on each side , then reduce the heat to cook ' em to everyone 's preference . " He replied , " It 's that ' preference ' thing that I 'm worried about . Especially when it comes to the girls . " An hour or so later , five minutes before the start of the broadcast , I interrupted a conversation on the back porch that had something to do with the American financial crisis and related matters . It wasn 't easy . " Mr . McClaren , " I said , " Might I ask you to set me up , now , to watch the bulls ? " He took a quick look at his watch and said , " Follow me . " When an ex - Special Forces hero from the Vietnam War who was special among those most special forces says something like that to you , you follow . Within a minute , the Versus channel was on , and I marveled at the display . We 're talking a five - foot wide screen , and polyphonic sensuous - surround sound . Ye brethren , this is DIFFERENT than our little TV that we open a closet door to watch . Well , the first ten or fifteStockyard Queen Folks , I interrupt our usual programming to warn you that our usual programming is going to be a bit sporadic for a while . For some time now , I have been trying to post at least twice a week , plus do the Daily Shout - out , and I 've done pretty well up until the last week . But since the middle of August , I have been buried in requests for my services from folks who are willing to pay me for them , and my attention to the blog has been slipping a little . So I 've decided that for the next several weeks , I will probably only be posting something new once a week . The Shout - out only takes a few minutes , as I 'm sure you have discerned , but if I don 't do it first thing , it seems like I don 't do it at all . I will try to make amends for that bad behavior and at least get that up each day . If it 's not an element that you particularly enjoy , I 'm sorry about that , but I get a huge kick every morning out of checking to see who 's checking us out . I just haven 't managed to do it at all for the past week . Rest assured that I 'm not abandoning you altogether , and please do keep commenting and zonking to your heart 's content . I am very happy to have you all here - - your insights and often hysterically funny observations have lifted me up during the times ( some of them recent ) when I despaired about whether I was throwing my life away on a bunch of boys who didn 't give a rat 's ass for my opinion . Most likely I was right about that , but I 'm very glad to have made the acquaintance of everyone who 's stopped by here . You 've made my life richer in ways I never counted on , and I 'm grateful to each of you for that . Please keep coming to see us , and let us know when you do .
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Well , that 's it for another year . Woolfest has been and gone . I had a great time and I 'm sure so did everyone else who went there . For those who don 't know - Woolfest is an annual event held just outside Cockermouth ( don 't laugh ! ) in Cumbria . I think this is the eleventh year it has been run , but don 't quote me on that . It is held in a giant auction mart and there are so many stalls there , selling all sorts of things , from clothes , to animals , to fibre , to wheels , to tools , to anything woolly you can think of . The sheep are a definte bonus too ! Here are some Herdwicks , some sheared , some not . ( First time I haven 't bought a Herdwick fleece this year , but I have one in the shed ready to be washed ) . My favourite - North Ronaldsay . It 's a fairly coarse fleece but I like it for the history and unusual eating habits of the sheep . They graze on the beaches and eat seaweed . We used to have some when I was little so they make me feel all nostalgic when I use the fleece . This stall had a lot of X fleeces , including Merino X Shetlands . Quite expensive , so I didn 't buy anything from this stall . It was here when I was looking through a pile of fleece packs that I helped a German lady with understanding the prices here . It was the highlight of my day helping her , in GERMAN . ( I love the German language and would LOVE to chat to people in German , but no - one around here speaks it ! ) I think I was maybe a bit more restrained than last year … no … no , I wasn 't . I just spent less at Wingham Wools as I have a massive box filled to the brim full of fibre ! I spent a lot less on raw fleece but still seemed to come back with as many huge sacks . Woolfest is only a day away , I am so excited ! Right now it is Wednesday and it is held on the Friday and Saturday . I don 't think I need to tell people who have read this blog before about how excited I get about going to this once - in - a - year - opportunity . My Mum and Dad are coming too , my Mum usually does , but I 've badgered my Dad into going too , so I 'm happy , happy , happy ! I don 't get to visit other wool shows ( bar the ICHF show in Glasgow , but that is more sewing - something else I adore ) so Woolfest is pretty much my once a year buying opportunity for fleece and other related products . I haven 't bought a fleece online in a few years bar an alpaca seconds I got last year . I have been spinning some of it though so at least it is being used . Being seconds it takes a lot of time to prep . It took a while to sort out the decent stuff , then wash it , then sort out the decent stuff once again . I finally got round to using up my North Ronaldsay wool that I spun up last year . I love this but it infuriated me no end that I had spun it up entirely and not actually done anything with it . My Dad suggested a shawl might be a good idea and I agreed with him . It was too rough and scratchy to go against the skin so a good shawl for poor weather or cold would be great over the shoulders . I decided using the pattern ' Margarets ' Prayer Shawl ' on Ravelry as a start - off , using a 6mm hook . Instead of changing the last two rows at the end , I simply repeated the same row over and over , using a 3dc stitch per gap . As you can see , the shawl is pretty tiny . I am going to see if I can buy a nice brown North Ronaldsay fleece to continue it . A nice , two tone shawl in the same fleece breed . I don 't think it will need much blocking as the wool is holding its shape really nicely . But I do need to wash it as the wool is still slightly greasy and a bit itchy . I had a bit of a spinning binge and managed to spin up quite a few of the batts I had previously prepared . Using the unknown brown fleece I knitted my Dad a thick , warm hat for Winter . I had changed the pattern slightly because I did not like the way the ribbing looked when turned up for the headband . I ribbed as normal , and then when it came to the main part of the hat in st - st , I simply knitted the other way , making the ribbing look ' right ' when it was turned back up . ( Sorry if that makes absolutely no sense at all ! ) . I also spun up some of the black shearling Hebridean fleece . Why have I not done this before ? ! It wasn 't very nice to prep , but oh my , what a joy to spin ! I got three small skeins of wool and the colour is lustrous . I think the wool would look very nice in a fair - isle type pattern but nothing has caught my eye yet . The Gotland fleece was quite nice to spin too and the different colours were interesting when spun up . I plan on using some of this fleece to make some pin loom squares . I might get some Gotland when I go to Woolfest . ( Did I mention I was going to Woolfest ? ! ) Yes , I quite fancy making another pin loom blanket , this time using natural coloured fleeces , all prepared from raw fleece by me . This will probably be an ongoing project throughout the year , rather than something I sit and work on . I really like the idea of another pin loom blanket . I wonder if I can ask Dad to help me make some more pin loom squares , but a bit bigger . My one is 8 " . Maybe a 12 " one might be nice . My brother gave me some interesting sack fleece fabric yesterday when I visited him . ( Happy Birthday , Franz ! Eldest little brother is 25 now ! ) . I had been thinking for a couple of days how nice it might be to try rug - making . ( I can hear my family groaning now - ANOTHER hobby ? ! ) I know a vintage stall at Woolfest sells rug making tools so I 'll have a look and see how much they are . Maybe a nice rug for in front of the TV - as long as A 's cats don 't destroy it . Oh , I also designed a tote bag to take to Woolfest . I 'm really proud of it . What do you think of it ? Finally got around to using those dyed locks ! Backstitching the face of the sheep . I really love the nose . It wasn 't meant to be there , it was a slip of the needle , but it really works ! It is now just under five weeks until Woolfest ! Sooo excited ! I am pretty much only going to buy raw fleece I think , and one extravagent purchase - a new drop spindle . I am hoping to buy one from Spin City . Her spindles are beautiful , pretty , glittery and oh , so many words to use ! I 've been busy with my fibre again and am happy with what I have done so far . I still have a huge bag of Zwartbles to card and a white Shetland . Maybe if I have a bit of time on the weekend I will try and get it done . A good few hours of carding might build up my arm muscles a bit . Look how lovely and wavy it is ! I opened all the locks out by hand , it took sooooo long ! Def . a bit of TV watching whilst that went on . I got five batts out of this fleece . This is fluffed up lamb Hebridean . I got a small 200g bag from Woolfest last year too . I 've always been a bit wary of Hebridean but this one was lovely when washed . Unfortunately I got rid of about half of it whilst prepping it due to second cuts , etc . But I have got three batts out of it . This is the unknown brown fleece that I found tucked under the stairs . It felt VERY dry but carded up really well . I got three batts from this . I 'm REALLY looking forward to spinning this one . Alpaca ! Even with the amount I washed I still have been getting rid of about half of what I take out of the bag . In future , I will not cheap out and buy seconds alpaca . As you can see I have made some rolags out of it . I filled the box and when spun it gave me a heavy , packed bobbin on my Bliss . So , I imagine another box will give me a full bobbin again and I can get perhaps two decent skeins out of it . Even with the washing there is so much dirt coming off it ! My hands are left black at the end of it , haha . My blending board has been getting some decent use out of it lately . This picture makes me very happy ! I fancy taking some decent photos outside though , this picture is a bit blurry . I imagine this will be a lot bigger when I have carded the rest of the fleeces . I also fancied doing some more dyeing . I used kool - aid again and used the white Shetland as soon as I finished washing it . I didn 't wait for it to dry , just put it straight in . I also left it all curled up instead of carding it , as I want the fleece to get a mix of colours , not just one solid colour . I pushed as much fleece into each bowl as possible . Each bowl got several minutes in the microwave , the dark dyes getting longer . The red ones were nearly impossible to get the water to run clear . When I spin it , I will have to give the red skeins an extra rinse . I didn 't rinse these in the washing machine , but left them to dry outside . I loved the colours the pink lemonade dye gave . They were very easy to card . I decided to use a diz for the first time on my carder and made roving properly . I was so impressed with how easy and effective this is ! Why have I not done this before ? ! I got this little machine at a charity shop in Ayr . It looks complete . It is a Simple Frame Knitter , made in the early eighties . It looks brand new ! I can 't wait to try it out properly , but I 've left it at A 's for now . I had too much luggage to carry back this time . Well , the next bit of this post is a bit sad . My lovely Martha died a few weeks ago . She was getting on a bit and not really eating a lot . ( Except cucumber , she LOVED it ) . She had plenty of cuddles towards the end and died in her sleep . I miss her a lot and it 's not the same seeing five chickens when there should be six . Love you , Martha . ❤ This is one of my favourite photos of her . Beautiful girl . This post is dedicated to my wonderful dog , Ben . On the 11th May this year , it was six years since he has been gone . There is not a day going by where I don 't feel like something is missing from my life . He was a wonderful companion and friend . He was taken far too soon and if he were alive today he would still have many more years to go . I miss you so much , Ben . I hope you are happy with your best friend , Bo , who was also taken almost exactly two years after you . I love you and miss you loads too , Bo . Words can 't really describe how much I want to see and cuddle them again . Maybe one day I will . In my last post I mentioned that I had started some Christmas squares to make into a blanket . I had completed three full ones and yesterday I started the fourth one . I finished it this morning and did the complete white border with hdc border around that . What do you think ? I can 't decide which square is my favourite . Which one is yours ? The gingerbread man was my first C2C square and I really enjoyed it . Each one has a border of SC around it in the background colour , then the cream , then a HDC border . There are sooo many ends to sew in at the back ! They are actually quite big , I 'll have to measure them . I am really pleased with how I have sewn them up . It looks really neat , and this makes such a difference in the overall blanket . I think that 's a fair few - maybe 15 ? ( And still inside the shed , can you see ? ) Amazingly , I didn 't actually count them . Perhaps too shocked ? Most of them were Zwartbles fleeces . Such lovely , thick , dark fleeces . I skirted and sorted the ones which were not in the pillow cases . In the shed , if it is in a pillow case it is ready to be washed . Easier than having a million different bags all over the place . The pillowcases were 10p each from a charity shop . I found a beautiful black Shetland fleece , a white Shetland fleece , a chunky white fleece ( can 't remember the name ) and some other bits and pieces . I found a small bag of washed fleece , Manx Laughtan I THINK , which I brought into the house to spin . I managed to get Mum to come and help me with the fleece sorting too . Dad has got wise and ran off before I could get him to help too ! He helped me with loads before so I 'll let him off this time , haha . After all that working with the fleece , I fancied doing some spinning . I had some half finished alpaca that desperately needed doing . It must have been half spun for almost two years . This was a very quick spin and in no time at all I had some singles spun - Which in turn made some gorgeous DK plyed yarn . No idea what to make with it but I 've decided to buy some more alpaca fibre from the Wingham Wool stand when I am at Woolfest . LOVE that stand ! I have a whole bag of alpaca yarn to wash and spin up . I don 't think I will dye it . I might card it into rolags using my blending board . I also found the purple mixed Merino blend I bought when I was in Germany so started spinning that . I am trying to do it super thin so it gives a 4ply effect . I felt like I had been spinning for ages when I took a photo of this tiny amount ! I will take my time with it though , all I ever seem to do is DK so this will hopefully be a fingering weight or a 4ply weight . I just want to say a quick thank you to everyone who follows my blog - I now have 101 followers ! Thank you so , so , so much ! It means a lot that people are following my blog , it must mean I am at least writing a little bit of what people find interesting . I did start this blog off to show off what I have knitted and it just took off from there . People have witnessed my skills developing , learning crochet and my favourite , learning to spin . I have learned how to dye and created tutorials . I have created my own crochet patterns and learned so much about keeping chickens ! So , once again , thank you very much for reading what I write . Well , I am very excited to show off my , almost completed , hand - spun , hand - dyed , hand - woven ( that was a mouthful ! ) blanket . I have spun all the yarn for it , mostly dyed it all myself and all have been woven on a ( hand - made ! ) pin loom . I would recommend getting or making one , very simple , yet effective . I was looking through my wool stash the other night and came across thirty pin loom squares . I think I put them away because I planned on making a bigger blanket . But I looked at them and thought , ' why not ? ' Don 't they look a raggy mess ! I managed to sew them up quite successfully . I was very impressed with them really as , even after blocking , some squares were bigger than others . But the next day , the blanket got put into a hot bath to soak for ten / fifteen minutes . It was very heavy to get out ! I rolled it into towels to squeeze most of the water out . I had already laid out a blanket and two towels on the living room floor and then placed a large piece of cardboard on top . The blanket then got some SERIOUS blocking . I kid you not , I must have used about a thousand pins . The squares look mostly the same size now and are mostly in straight rows / columns . I will unpin it tomorrow morning so I hope it will retain its shape ! I even got my Mum to steam iron over it to give it a steam blocking too as it seemed to dry very quickly whilst I was pinning . Can 't be too careful , right ? Please excuse the mess in the background . The blanket looks kinda of small , but I plan on putting a crochet border around it . Using handspun of course ! The top is Man Loughtan that was actually left on my wheel for ages . I decided it was time to ply it . This was from a fleece I bought at Woolfest last year , very clean and fluffy with lovely light brown tips . Prepped from raw , carded from batts . Batts were put through the carder twice . The middle wool is Ryeland , also prepped from raw fleece purchased at Woolfest . This was bought in 2014 … I think ! This was an expensive fleece as it was so beautiful . Lots of silver and greys . I found some carded batts under the stairs and decided to spin them up . It is a nice , chunky spin . Dad wants a hat out of it , but I think it would be far too itchy for his skin ! I still have so much fleece to prepare out of this though . The bottom wool is Cheviot that I dyed with kool - aid , I think in 2013 . So , a few years before it finally got spun ! This MIGHT be going on my blanket , I 'm not sure . Most little bits like this will hopefully go round my blanket at least once , even if it is just tiny sc 's all around . I found LOADS of this under the stairs , all bright colours . I see some lovely spinning in the future . Yep … I have a lot . The bottom one is full of fibre . Fibre I had completely forgotten I had . Carded Jacobs , angora , sparkly stuff , full braids . I am going to be busy this year as I am going to make sure that that box will be half empty by the end of December . The rest of the big boxes are full of acrylic and mixed yarns . One box is almost completely cotton and the top box is full of just handspun . I want to be able to knit from a lot of my handspun too . I have lots of fleeces to prep , so should have a lot of yarn to knit something decent with . Perhaps another pin loom blanket of natural coloured fleece ? All from raw ? Different breeds ? Ideas , ideas ! In one of the boxes I found a load of crochet squares that I had made years and years ago ! I remember crocheting around each square in yellow and then joining four squares together in red . It sounds bad , I know . I sort of cringed when I found it . I laid it out on the bed and decided hang on , no , it 's not THAT bad . I found some matching red , and crocheted the rest of the squares so I had sixteen squares attached . I went round the lot with red and now am working an SC around the border . I plan on doing a few granny square rounds ( hdc3 in one sc , miss 2sc , etc ) . Then a couple of SC to finish . I also remembered that I have seriously been neglecting my lovely Wonder Blanket CAL 's ! One is much further on than the other and is only missing this fortnights stitches . I will see if I can do this tomorrow if I finish the above blanket . The other one is missing the last three weeks I think . Lots of catching up to do ! I have completed almost four squares now ! Attic24 blanket is slowly coming along . When I went up to A 's I took the whole lot with me so I could work on that and only that ! It amazes me how much time it takes to do each square . I wasn 't best pleased when I left them in the living room on the sofa and Aya peed on them … I rinsed them with soap and water but they now STINK ! They need to go in the washing machine . You can see the cool and warm colours emerging properly now . I worked on this whilst waiting for my train in Kilmarnock . An hours wait in the station cafe / book shop was well spent ! The ground looks pretty naff at the moment as there have been a lot of heavy rainfalls . They still have plenty of grass , you just can 't see it ! They have a lovely big yard though and lots of places to have dust baths and climb and just generally have fun ! These dogs love their pillows , but Alfie took it one further . Pillow propped up against Freddy and he tucked himself into Mums cardigan and used it as a blanket / scarf . Sooo sweet ! He slept for ages like that too . He has many funny poses - such as the meditation pose … It 's quite scary . Most of my knitting and fibery life I 've been quite good at working on only one thing at a time , maybe two at a push . This year I don 't know what has been up with me ! What I am working on - Old Harry 's Game blanket ( admittedly , this is barely started , but I have all the designs done and all the wool bought for this ) . I am so excited to get this blanket started . There are nine designs to go on this blanket ( only four shown below ) . I have some backing fabric to go on too , if I think it needs it . I don 't think I 've sewn fabric to wool before , so I 'll see how I feel about doing that . Attic24 Log Cabin blanket . I saw this on her blog and thought ' WOW ! ' I NEED to make this . I bought the yarn a month or so ago and started straight away . I have made all sixteen of the middles and completed two and a bit squares . It 's quite time - consuming but I 'm enjoying it , bit by bit . The squares do look a bit rough but I 'm hoping a severe blocking will make it go the way it should . I 've just started a new knitted blanket with some chunky yarn I bought from Mrs Johnsons Emporium , Blackpool . ( Check this place out , it is AMAZING ! ) . I haven 't got a photo yet but the pattern is Breezy Baby Blanket . I am using Autumn colours , orangey ones . I am using Special by Stylecraft with the colours ' Spice , " Gold , ' and ' Copper . ' The pattern uses the ' Seafoam stitch ' which is very interesting . I 've never tried it before this blanket . I like the way it is knitting up though . I am working it in stripes . I doubled the amount of stitches to make a big blanket but when it came to the seafoam stitches I could see it wasn 't going to work , I had six stitches left over . I sort of threaded them through with spare yarn and left them at the side . When I am finished this HUGE project I will cut it off and sew it properly . So , if you do this , make sure that you leave off six stitches at the end . ( 246 stitches ) . The photo below is not mine but it is from free images online . The yarn is very close to what I am using . The Wonder Crochet Blanket CAL . This CAL comes out every two weeks so the next one is out on the 7th April . I have caught up completely with one blanket so have just got half of part five and the whole of part six to complete on the other blanket . I thought that people who had started two or more were mad but I can see they were quite right ! The six or so rows work up quickly . By the end of the year I will have two lovely blankets completed . TAAT Socks ( Two - At - A - Time ) . I bought this sock yarn from the Glasgow SECC a few weeks ago . I had been looking for some nice sock yarn for a while now . I 've always made socks with a DK weight yarn so I 've been after some ' proper ' sock yarn for a while - 4ply . I 've not done too much admittedly , it 's more of a handbag project . Here I am knitting in Wetherspoons in Blackpool the other day . ( Check out Blackpool , it 's an awesome place ! ) . I love TAAT socks . I might try using it for baby socks next time . I have my go to pattern i use for baby socks , so I might try it with that . It was my birthday the other day so my Mum took me to Blackpool for a long girly weekend . It was great fun ! I bought some more chunky yarn ( for the Autumn banket above ) from the yarn shop just around the corner from the B and B . I also got some cheap acrylic from the pound shop ( 2 for 3 on baby yarns ) . But the best place to get things from ? ? The Works . Ever heard of this place ? In the UK it is a cheapish craft and book shop . You can often buy the same books as Waterstones but at a fraction of the price . ( Waterstones is a huge book shop selling books at retail prices . I very rarely buy from there ! ) I chose some books from there and my Mum and brother bought them from me . I think I got over £ 100 worth of books for less than £ 20 ! I like a good bargain and so do my family ! There are loads of patterns I want to do in the baby knitting and crochet books . The sewing books are also excellent . ' My Rag Doll ' seems to have mixed reviews online however and it is said that it is not for beginners . I still consider myself a beginner so I will see how it turns out ! It has been soooo lovely having a few days off work ! I am going down to two days a week at work since my contract has almost finished . I 'm going to miss the work but I am really looking forward to a few relaxing , stress free days ! I went up to Ayr last week and had a few days there since the schools were on holiday . We didn 't do much since it seemed to rain constantly . When we braved going outside it was just for a walk round the shops . The weather was kinda poor and it got really windy at one point . My first thought was , ' Typical ! Bet the trains will be cancelled / delayed ! ' On the line I use , it constantly seems to get cancelled due to flooding . I know , I know , better safe than sorry , right ? I treated myself to a few nice things from woolwarehouse . com . I had been reading Attic24 's lovely blog ( check her out - awesome ! ) and I saw a beautiful , sunny blanket that she had made . I immediately found out what she used and ordered a pack , along with a few sneaky extras … Aren 't the colours lovely ? If you can see them of course , I 'm aware the photo is not the best it can be . I started off by doing the middle of the squares first , all sixteen of them . Then the next round . I even did a bit on the train going home . But that is normal for me . It would be odd if I DIDN ' T have my crochet / knitting with me . I think I was watching Men Behaving Badly . When I got home I started on putting in the bright , beautiful colours . It took a little while , but it was relaxing and I loved picking out the right colours for each row . I 've only made one square but I hope to get some more rows done tonight . When it has been blocked it will look much better . There are ' cold ' colours on the right side and ' warm ' colours on the right . I am dreading them sewing up of the ends hidden at the back right now … I saw these on a FB group post and thought that they were a fantastic idea ! They can be used at both ends meaning that you can weave even the smallest ends in without panicking that the needle won 't turn anymore . They are a little flimsy , but I think that they do the job perfectly well . I 've done a few rows more on my CAL blankets . They are slow going ( due to only 6 - 10 rows only being released every two weeks ) but I don 't mind . It keeps my interest going in them . This weeks is a bit dull because we are doing basketweave stitch , which I 'm not a major fan of . Oh well , it 's a learning curve , right . I couldn 't do it before , now I can ! I did start another CAL blanket but I 'm finding it really , really boring so I might quickly frog it before I change my mind . I don 't like giving up ! Ooh , I have been super busy designing things lately … I am a massive fan of a certain radio show and have been creating a large throw using this genre . I am have managed to add in characters and scenery and words . I had most of the yarn needed to begin the project and added in a couple more colours when I went shopping in Glasgow a couple of weeks ago . I 'm really pleased with them . I have all of the charts completed now . You can only see four out of nine charts in this picture . I am going to put it on Ravelry when I have finished . I don 't know if other people will like it , but we shall see ! Because Old Harry 's Game is a comic radio show about the underworld I am using lots of fire colours . I wasn 't going to put a backing to it , but I saw this amazing fire polycotton mix in Remnant Kings in Glasgow for only £ 3 . 99 a metre . I had to buy it ! I 'm hoping it will fit well onto the back . What do you think ? I have also managed to squeeze in a little bit of spinning . Some of a Manx Laughton fleece from Woolfest 2015 . It 's nice and soft and easy to spin . It 's looking a bit unevenly spun but once it has plyed it will sort itself out . It smells lovely too . Using shampoo and conditioner on a fleece really makes it nice , haha ! ( Yep , I 've just finished knitting it on the train ! ) Mum was really pleased with it and wears it to work and when out all the time ! I want to knit another one sometime . Someone at the camera club wants me to knit him a star themed one . I 'll have to see what colours I have first . Last crafty thing - embroidery . Now , I have never embroidered in my life . I 've done cross - stitch and tapestry , but never embroidery . I was very kindly given a load of old crafting and needlecraft magazines , some of which still had their free kits attached . These magazines were from 1992 , so fairly old ! They are very useful ( the magazines ) and one has an article on beginning bobbin lace making , so I am keeping that one out for future reference . I WILL learn how to do that this year ! I put it into the card provided and will give it to my Nanny . She likes gardening so I hope she likes this card . I 'll be sending it to her this week . I 've been using it as a craft diary and using it to write down all the things I have made and all the things I want to make . It has little notes , diagrams and achievements . I even stick in little fabric samples , etc . It is great when you are travelling and suddenly have an awesome craft idea . I also use the back of it to note down what crafty things I have bought this year . Hopefully with the idea of using them up by the end of the year . I 'm a terrible craft hoarder ! But we all are , right ? Right ? ? AFM Ministry 's Bys FamilyReligion that is pure and undefiled before God , the Father , is this : to visit orphans and widows in their affliction and to keep oneself unstained from the world . James1 : 27In one of the stars I shall be living . Orange Smoothie KnitsKnitting , Sewing & Other MusingsKeep Calm and Crochet On U . KFor the love of all things crochet . . . The Fat Lady SpinsDown the Crafting Rabbit HoleTake a tumble down the crafting rabbit hole , you never know what you 'll find . Fiber CompassFinding a way in the world of knittingthemanyknitsofnadineCrafting for the fun of it . FiberygoodnessLive , Learn , Create with Fiber ! Emma Crafts DesignEveryday craft inspirationsPets & Mental HealthLife , Mental Health , Anxiety , Depression , Health , Family , Knitting , Crochet , oh and pets ! Lots of Pets ! < 3Geekette PaletteGeeks can code , geeks can knit , geeks can think ( sometimes ) Felt Buddies ( and stuff ) On felting , hand dyeing yarn and fibre ( and general silliness ) . Coggies & Cuddies ® My little journey into crochet and craftStrawberry CraftCakesPersonal Blog on Crafts , DIYsTales from the Haphazard HookerCholy KnightSew Desu Ne ? Lady Lazarus DesignsstitchnsewcreatesSewing , Stitching , Crocheting , Knitting , Crafting , Needlework365 Days HandmadeMaking life a better place , one day at a time
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My beloved husband , Errol , died Wednesday afternoon in the liver transplant ICU at UCLA . A doctor called in the morning and explained that nothing they had done to try to curb the very vicious and highly unusual bacterial infection and sepsis had worked and , because of the infections , his new liver had now failed . She said he was on the maximum of all drugs and still getting worse . I agreed that they not resuscitate him should his heart fail . Then I drove , once again , through the desert into the Los Angeles traffic jams . It was a cold , gray April morning , with clouds hanging low over the mountains , matching how I felt perfectly . Errol 's brothers , his sister , Debra , her daughters , a newborn grandbaby , nieces and other relatives and a few friends were gathered around his bed . I spoke to one of the doctors and we agreed that when we were ready , they would begin to remove the various medicines , the kidney dialysis machine , and finally the breathing tube . I held my husband 's hand the whole time . Debra sang Amazing Grace , in her hauntingly beautiful voice , his brothers sang another song , we prayed , I said my favorite old Hebrew prayer in Swedish , we told stories of Errol 's life , laughed even . He was heavily sedated and it didn 't take long . Once the four - at max - medicines to keep his blood pressure up were removed , his blood pressure went down fast , his heart continued beating for a while , then stopped . It was very peaceful and beautiful . You know , I always liked to hold his hand . It made me feel secure and loved , somehow . His hand was still hard and calloused from all that contracting work , building all those houses he did all his life . Now I had to let go , let his hand go . Errol touched many lives , even in his final days in the ICU . The social worker came up and asked if she could stay . Of course she could . She kept her hand on his shoulder and told us she had loved him since he was in the hospital last summer . She said they became friends then , he was going to make her gumbo . The ever optimistic attending physician , his surgeon , I told you about earlier , was devastated . He came in and talked to us , said he thought the last surgery had done it , said the last CT scan looked good , said he was so sorry he couldn 't save Errol 's life . Said he was some guy , so strong , such a fighter through it all , said he had been so inspired by him . I believe my life for a long time to come will be filled with both tears and joy . I have so much support from family and friends . Monique and Kenny were here yesterday with their girls and Subway sandwiches . That helped , family will help with everything . I don 't have to go through this alone . I have much to do , of course , and will take a blogging break for a while . Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your support this past year . You have helped me so much , you have no idea . You have shared your own losses and showed me that life can go on ; you have sent me gifts , cards , incredible drawings you made of Samson and Faith , beautiful stories you wrote , and you have left wonderful , encouraging comments and emails . The doctors , nurses , social workers , and transplant recipients associated with the UCLA transplant program are the most positive - thinking and optimistic people I have ever encountered . My husband 's attending physician , the surgeon , the optimistic and caring Dr . K . , led me to believe that this last surgery would really take care of whatever needed to be taken care of . He also had a long talk with our friend Tom , and said pretty much the same thing . So when I walked into the ICU yesterday , I expected something better than what I saw . I have seen my husband sedated before , but yesterday , it was different . It was easy to see that the nurse , they change nurses most every day , so I had not met her before , it was easy to see that she was deeply touched by my husband 's struggles . We were all wondering how much he felt , how much he was aware of . When he has been awake , he has mouthed ( he can 't talk ) to both Tom and me , " help me , help me . " That alone is certainly enough to break my heart . Yesterday , as they were " rounding " as they now call it when doctors do the rounds , checking on patients , the second in charge , Dr . G . , comes into the room and proceeds to tell me what I already know : My husband is the most ill person , by far , at the UCLA Liver Transplant ICU . Neither the procedures done , nor the antibiotics have cleared up his massive infections . Since the new liver was transplanted into a very sick environment , it is not performing all that well either . Then he says , " but we are doing all we can and we are not giving up yet , so don 't give up hope . " I tell him that I don 't like hope , that I 'm a realist , that there 's no need to sugarcoat anything , that I prefer the truth . " We will continue to treat your husband , we are not giving up , and if / when we know we can no longer help him , you will have a decision to make , " says the good doctor . I tell him I appreciate his honesty . Then I look at all these lines , dialysis , stents , bags - - and I think bad thoughts about modern medicine . Then doctor number three wanders in , an older guy , a liver specialist , who confirms that my husband 's liver , while not failing , is having problems that don 't seem to be getting better . But he , yet another optimist , sounds like he believes everything will be OK , my husband will get better . Then , on his way out the door , he turns around and says , " and when he does , of course , he won 't remember a thing of all this . " The nurse , Tom , and I look at each other , astonished , since this is what all three of us had wondered about earlier Finally , about blogging . I will continue to post these updates , hopefully mixing them up with other news and pictures from the canyon . I have decided to use the Reply to comments funtion from now on . I feel the caring that goes into each and every comment and I am touched by what you write . So , using Reply will allow me to communicate more directly with you . And it may just alleviate some of that guilt you tell me not to feel when I don 't have the energy to read / comment on your posts . And thank you so much for being there for me . I just noticed today 's date . Tomorrow , it will be two months since we took my husband to the ER and all this started . I 'm trying to remember what his voice sounds like . . . . . . . . Only two years ago , we went to this park on the other side of town , had a picnic , walked around the lake , watched birds , so different from those in the canyon . We were happy . In my last post , I shared relatively happy news . My husband , my love , was doing better . Then he took a turn for the worse . And last night I gave consent to yet another surgery , to repair another or the same leak in his abdomen . I talked to his attending physcian , the surgeon , whom I trust . He said my husband has a strong will to live , and he had been a strong man , physically . Although he no longer is , he can can get through this , said the surgeon . I gave my consent to the surgery . I can 't hold his life in my hands . I don 't like to have to make these decisions . The operating room nurse called at 2 : 37 this morning , said they were wrapping up the surgery . Couldn 't / wouldn 't tell me how it went . When I called this morning , the nurse said he 's very critically ill . She told me of a few procedures they had to do . Left me feeling that even if he recovers , he will never really recover , will never be the man he was happy and content with being . I don 't know what this will mean . Will he still want to be alive ? Will he be depressed ? Will he have the mental fortitude to work through all the obstacles ahead ? Will I ? Or should I prepare myself for the end of our lives together , for the end of his life ? Practically , yes , that I can do , but emotionally ? Tom was going there this morning to see about my husband . He will let me know more . I will call the surgeon later . I wanted to let you know . Posted by The scenery on the other side of town is very different from that in the canyon . My hubby is doing better . I take it as a good sign when I get a call from a physical therapist , instead of a surgeon . Hubby 's friend , Tom , flew in from Denver yesterday . The first thing he wanted to do , was to go to the hospital and visit his friend . As for me , I started to feel ill on Monday , went to the doctor on Tuesday , and got some antibiotics for a minor infection . So now I 'm tired and missed my Wednesday visit with hubby . Since Tom will be with him most every day this week and some other friends and a couple of his brothers will be visiting too , I don 't have to worry about being missed . This would have been a nice picture for Thursday 's Fences ( if you can se the fence , that is ) . I 'm sorry I haven 't participated , but I still have some good fence pictures to share later . You know , I said to myself that I would not post another post until I had visited and commented on all your posts . You have been here and left comments and been so kind , so that 's the least I could do . And it also cheers me up to see what 's going on in everyone 's lives . But since I got sick , I didn 't manage to visit everyone , but I will keep going . I don 't want to own a laptop , an iPad , or smartphone ( not that I can afford one right now , anyhow ) because I don 't want to get hooked on that part of modern life . I want freedom from devices for the rest of my life . I am very clear on that . I also switched to the cheapest DirecTV plan , once I realized I would be alone here for a while . And I hardly ever turn the thing on . I have my Kinldle because I love to read and it comes in handy for instant book purchases . I hope spring is on the way to where you live and that you will have a nice rest of the day . Thanks for everything , your caring comments mean so much to me right now . Posted by With my husband so ill and me so tired , I have decided to not participate in the A to Z Challenge this year . It was a difficult decision since I enjoy it so much . But I can 't keep up with my current blogger friends . Friends who have been so kind and supportive during this difficult time . So now is not the time to post every day , read new blogs , and get more followers . Just wanted to let you know , in case someone from there stops by . Can you see Puppy Faith ? She 's 11 months now and will not grow to be the very big dog she believes herself to be . It has been such a long time since I took the camera with me on our morning walks . Sometimes though , it may be good to force oneself into a creative mood . Camera or not , I walk the dogs every morning . It keeps me balanced and as happy as possible . Hilary wrote me an email from England , saying she suspects I am having a torrid time . And that word , torrid , says it all . Last Wednesday , the 25th , the doctors noticed a change in my husband 's demeanor and did two CT scans , one in the morning and one in the afternoon . After the last one , they determined something was going on in his abdomen and decided on surgery . I had just walked in the door , after spending the day with my husband , when the phone rang . Once again , for the 5th time since March 7 , I gave consent to yet another surgery . Serious things were going on , a leakage from an intestine , if I understood correctly . The doctor told me later he was concerned that my husband would not make it . Surgery went on until 2 : 30 in the morning . Serious infection once again . The doctor also said they would know if the mesh they installed would work in a week . Husband survived , his new liver doing so , so , worries there as well , and my torrid week went on . Long story short , yesterday , a week later , while I was there , another surgeon appears and says they have decided to operate again . Too much infection , we have to go in and try to clean it up . And replace the plastic mesh with one of a natural material , like from a pig . So I sign more forms to give consent . When I called this morning , the nurse said that his vital signs are good . Wait and see . Wait and see is not a talent of mine . But when you have no choice , you will do it , and therein lies some personal growth . So all is not bad , even in an impossibly bad situation . Oh , and then , Sophiedoodle , I met a labradoodle therapy dog in the hallway . Just your size , but a lighter brown . I asked if I could pet him . Then I did , he was so sweet , and he helped me a lot . I thought about you and how I miss you and my blogger friends , furry and not . I have always admired wildflowers here in the desert mountains . How they can grow among the sand and rocks . I came upon this one , all alone , very tiny , but still so cheerful looking . And I smiled . Spring is bringing many new arrivals to the canyon . Two baby calves were born to our neighbor 's cows . They are so feisty and adorable . The house finches are back and settled in their old homes . I wish they would build some new adobes , as their old ones are full of guano from at least three previous years . I see they used some of Samson 's fur to decorate the top of one of their nests . It looks really cute , actually . Ground squirrels are back and gophers are driving Samson to distraction . Scrub jays are here and I also saw a pair of doves this morning . Weeds are growing like crazy and I 'm trying to keep up , using the electric lawn mower . It 's going pretty well . I may take a neighbor up on his offer to bring his tractor over and just rake it all up , later this spring . I am so glad to have met really good neighbors here in the canyon . Another neighbor of mine , a Native American woman , a little bit younger than I , said the other day , after I told her about my husband : " If you ever get scared or need some help over there , call me . I 've got a gun ! " I will never forget that offer . See how big my tongue got ? Do you think I could be a poster dog for that rock band , Kiss ? Samson : OK , mommy , you can kiss me there any time you want . Maybe I can get one of those chicken cookies ? Me : I will get you some , because you are the bestest dog . Ever !
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My beloved husband , Errol , died Wednesday afternoon in the liver transplant ICU at UCLA . A doctor called in the morning and explained that nothing they had done to try to curb the very vicious and highly unusual bacterial infection and sepsis had worked and , because of the infections , his new liver had now failed . She said he was on the maximum of all drugs and still getting worse . I agreed that they not resuscitate him should his heart fail . Then I drove , once again , through the desert into the Los Angeles traffic jams . It was a cold , gray April morning , with clouds hanging low over the mountains , matching how I felt perfectly . Errol 's brothers , his sister , Debra , her daughters , a newborn grandbaby , nieces and other relatives and a few friends were gathered around his bed . I spoke to one of the doctors and we agreed that when we were ready , they would begin to remove the various medicines , the kidney dialysis machine , and finally the breathing tube . I held my husband 's hand the whole time . Debra sang Amazing Grace , in her hauntingly beautiful voice , his brothers sang another song , we prayed , I said my favorite old Hebrew prayer in Swedish , we told stories of Errol 's life , laughed even . He was heavily sedated and it didn 't take long . Once the four - at max - medicines to keep his blood pressure up were removed , his blood pressure went down fast , his heart continued beating for a while , then stopped . It was very peaceful and beautiful . You know , I always liked to hold his hand . It made me feel secure and loved , somehow . His hand was still hard and calloused from all that contracting work , building all those houses he did all his life . Now I had to let go , let his hand go . Errol touched many lives , even in his final days in the ICU . The social worker came up and asked if she could stay . Of course she could . She kept her hand on his shoulder and told us she had loved him since he was in the hospital last summer . She said they became friends then , he was going to make her gumbo . The ever optimistic attending physician , his surgeon , I told you about earlier , was devastated . He came in and talked to us , said he thought the last surgery had done it , said the last CT scan looked good , said he was so sorry he couldn 't save Errol 's life . Said he was some guy , so strong , such a fighter through it all , said he had been so inspired by him . I believe my life for a long time to come will be filled with both tears and joy . I have so much support from family and friends . Monique and Kenny were here yesterday with their girls and Subway sandwiches . That helped , family will help with everything . I don 't have to go through this alone . I have much to do , of course , and will take a blogging break for a while . Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your support this past year . You have helped me so much , you have no idea . You have shared your own losses and showed me that life can go on ; you have sent me gifts , cards , incredible drawings you made of Samson and Faith , beautiful stories you wrote , and you have left wonderful , encouraging comments and emails . The doctors , nurses , social workers , and transplant recipients associated with the UCLA transplant program are the most positive - thinking and optimistic people I have ever encountered . My husband 's attending physician , the surgeon , the optimistic and caring Dr . K . , led me to believe that this last surgery would really take care of whatever needed to be taken care of . He also had a long talk with our friend Tom , and said pretty much the same thing . So when I walked into the ICU yesterday , I expected something better than what I saw . I have seen my husband sedated before , but yesterday , it was different . It was easy to see that the nurse , they change nurses most every day , so I had not met her before , it was easy to see that she was deeply touched by my husband 's struggles . We were all wondering how much he felt , how much he was aware of . When he has been awake , he has mouthed ( he can 't talk ) to both Tom and me , " help me , help me . " That alone is certainly enough to break my heart . Yesterday , as they were " rounding " as they now call it when doctors do the rounds , checking on patients , the second in charge , Dr . G . , comes into the room and proceeds to tell me what I already know : My husband is the most ill person , by far , at the UCLA Liver Transplant ICU . Neither the procedures done , nor the antibiotics have cleared up his massive infections . Since the new liver was transplanted into a very sick environment , it is not performing all that well either . Then he says , " but we are doing all we can and we are not giving up yet , so don 't give up hope . " I tell him that I don 't like hope , that I 'm a realist , that there 's no need to sugarcoat anything , that I prefer the truth . " We will continue to treat your husband , we are not giving up , and if / when we know we can no longer help him , you will have a decision to make , " says the good doctor . I tell him I appreciate his honesty . Then I look at all these lines , dialysis , stents , bags - - and I think bad thoughts about modern medicine . Then doctor number three wanders in , an older guy , a liver specialist , who confirms that my husband 's liver , while not failing , is having problems that don 't seem to be getting better . But he , yet another optimist , sounds like he believes everything will be OK , my husband will get better . Then , on his way out the door , he turns around and says , " and when he does , of course , he won 't remember a thing of all this . " The nurse , Tom , and I look at each other , astonished , since this is what all three of us had wondered about earlier Finally , about blogging . I will continue to post these updates , hopefully mixing them up with other news and pictures from the canyon . I have decided to use the Reply to comments funtion from now on . I feel the caring that goes into each and every comment and I am touched by what you write . So , using Reply will allow me to communicate more directly with you . And it may just alleviate some of that guilt you tell me not to feel when I don 't have the energy to read / comment on your posts . And thank you so much for being there for me . I just noticed today 's date . Tomorrow , it will be two months since we took my husband to the ER and all this started . I 'm trying to remember what his voice sounds like . . . . . . . . Only two years ago , we went to this park on the other side of town , had a picnic , walked around the lake , watched birds , so different from those in the canyon . We were happy . In my last post , I shared relatively happy news . My husband , my love , was doing better . Then he took a turn for the worse . And last night I gave consent to yet another surgery , to repair another or the same leak in his abdomen . I talked to his attending physcian , the surgeon , whom I trust . He said my husband has a strong will to live , and he had been a strong man , physically . Although he no longer is , he can can get through this , said the surgeon . I gave my consent to the surgery . I can 't hold his life in my hands . I don 't like to have to make these decisions . The operating room nurse called at 2 : 37 this morning , said they were wrapping up the surgery . Couldn 't / wouldn 't tell me how it went . When I called this morning , the nurse said he 's very critically ill . She told me of a few procedures they had to do . Left me feeling that even if he recovers , he will never really recover , will never be the man he was happy and content with being . I don 't know what this will mean . Will he still want to be alive ? Will he be depressed ? Will he have the mental fortitude to work through all the obstacles ahead ? Will I ? Or should I prepare myself for the end of our lives together , for the end of his life ? Practically , yes , that I can do , but emotionally ? Tom was going there this morning to see about my husband . He will let me know more . I will call the surgeon later . I wanted to let you know . Posted by The scenery on the other side of town is very different from that in the canyon . My hubby is doing better . I take it as a good sign when I get a call from a physical therapist , instead of a surgeon . Hubby 's friend , Tom , flew in from Denver yesterday . The first thing he wanted to do , was to go to the hospital and visit his friend . As for me , I started to feel ill on Monday , went to the doctor on Tuesday , and got some antibiotics for a minor infection . So now I 'm tired and missed my Wednesday visit with hubby . Since Tom will be with him most every day this week and some other friends and a couple of his brothers will be visiting too , I don 't have to worry about being missed . This would have been a nice picture for Thursday 's Fences ( if you can se the fence , that is ) . I 'm sorry I haven 't participated , but I still have some good fence pictures to share later . You know , I said to myself that I would not post another post until I had visited and commented on all your posts . You have been here and left comments and been so kind , so that 's the least I could do . And it also cheers me up to see what 's going on in everyone 's lives . But since I got sick , I didn 't manage to visit everyone , but I will keep going . I don 't want to own a laptop , an iPad , or smartphone ( not that I can afford one right now , anyhow ) because I don 't want to get hooked on that part of modern life . I want freedom from devices for the rest of my life . I am very clear on that . I also switched to the cheapest DirecTV plan , once I realized I would be alone here for a while . And I hardly ever turn the thing on . I have my Kinldle because I love to read and it comes in handy for instant book purchases . I hope spring is on the way to where you live and that you will have a nice rest of the day . Thanks for everything , your caring comments mean so much to me right now . Posted by With my husband so ill and me so tired , I have decided to not participate in the A to Z Challenge this year . It was a difficult decision since I enjoy it so much . But I can 't keep up with my current blogger friends . Friends who have been so kind and supportive during this difficult time . So now is not the time to post every day , read new blogs , and get more followers . Just wanted to let you know , in case someone from there stops by . Can you see Puppy Faith ? She 's 11 months now and will not grow to be the very big dog she believes herself to be . It has been such a long time since I took the camera with me on our morning walks . Sometimes though , it may be good to force oneself into a creative mood . Camera or not , I walk the dogs every morning . It keeps me balanced and as happy as possible . Hilary wrote me an email from England , saying she suspects I am having a torrid time . And that word , torrid , says it all . Last Wednesday , the 25th , the doctors noticed a change in my husband 's demeanor and did two CT scans , one in the morning and one in the afternoon . After the last one , they determined something was going on in his abdomen and decided on surgery . I had just walked in the door , after spending the day with my husband , when the phone rang . Once again , for the 5th time since March 7 , I gave consent to yet another surgery . Serious things were going on , a leakage from an intestine , if I understood correctly . The doctor told me later he was concerned that my husband would not make it . Surgery went on until 2 : 30 in the morning . Serious infection once again . The doctor also said they would know if the mesh they installed would work in a week . Husband survived , his new liver doing so , so , worries there as well , and my torrid week went on . Long story short , yesterday , a week later , while I was there , another surgeon appears and says they have decided to operate again . Too much infection , we have to go in and try to clean it up . And replace the plastic mesh with one of a natural material , like from a pig . So I sign more forms to give consent . When I called this morning , the nurse said that his vital signs are good . Wait and see . Wait and see is not a talent of mine . But when you have no choice , you will do it , and therein lies some personal growth . So all is not bad , even in an impossibly bad situation . Oh , and then , Sophiedoodle , I met a labradoodle therapy dog in the hallway . Just your size , but a lighter brown . I asked if I could pet him . Then I did , he was so sweet , and he helped me a lot . I thought about you and how I miss you and my blogger friends , furry and not . I have always admired wildflowers here in the desert mountains . How they can grow among the sand and rocks . I came upon this one , all alone , very tiny , but still so cheerful looking . And I smiled . Spring is bringing many new arrivals to the canyon . Two baby calves were born to our neighbor 's cows . They are so feisty and adorable . The house finches are back and settled in their old homes . I wish they would build some new adobes , as their old ones are full of guano from at least three previous years . I see they used some of Samson 's fur to decorate the top of one of their nests . It looks really cute , actually . Ground squirrels are back and gophers are driving Samson to distraction . Scrub jays are here and I also saw a pair of doves this morning . Weeds are growing like crazy and I 'm trying to keep up , using the electric lawn mower . It 's going pretty well . I may take a neighbor up on his offer to bring his tractor over and just rake it all up , later this spring . I am so glad to have met really good neighbors here in the canyon . Another neighbor of mine , a Native American woman , a little bit younger than I , said the other day , after I told her about my husband : " If you ever get scared or need some help over there , call me . I 've got a gun ! " I will never forget that offer . See how big my tongue got ? Do you think I could be a poster dog for that rock band , Kiss ? Samson : OK , mommy , you can kiss me there any time you want . Maybe I can get one of those chicken cookies ? Me : I will get you some , because you are the bestest dog . Ever !
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You would think that with my husband home I 'd be able to get a lot more done with the the extra hands . No such luck . However , I am happy to report my husband took on a couple of projects this past week . He busted out his muscles and did quite a bit for us ! Thank you , deary ( insert belly rub ) ! The weather was great this weekend . The kids spent both days outside , ALL day . One of the things I love about our little homestead is that the kids can go outside and literally play to their hearts content . They can bike up and down the road with no worries . They can trek in to the woods and explore . This weekend they set up a plank headed towards the pond so they can put some chairs out and , as my daughter says , " chill " . The best part of the weekend … all of our neighbor kids were out four wheeling together . Everyone had so much fun ! I have a love / hate relationship with my brother - in - law . He is extremely free spirited and will show up at our house on a whim . I hate that . My kids love him to pieces , and there isn 't anything he wouldn 't do for my kids . I love that . So , I accept his quirkiness and feed him a ton of food every time he shows up for a visit . A few months ago , while my husband was away at sea , he shows up to the house . As he is playing WWF with the kids my daughter 's bed breaks . She has been sleeping on a bed held up by a few old books . This week my husband made a bed frame for my daughter out of pallets . Some may think it 's a bit cheesy , but she loves it ! He put black lights under the slats that creates a glow in the dark effect at night for her . Speaking of pallets … we have a bunch of them . A trip to a box store proved pay dirt . We 'll be making a potato bin as well as a lettuce / herb garden . I 'll be sure to post pictures once they are built . The tree house flooring is near completion . The kids are quite eager to finally get their bean bags inside . My daughter created the first sign for the tree house . I hope that in a couple more weeks all will be done and the kids can spend countless hours hiding away . I am hoping for this tree house to be the ultimate reading room for them ! My reading was very poor this week . I 'm trying really hard to finish a book I had been so excited to read . Unfortunately , my progress has been slow . I am bound and determined to finish it this week though ! A couple of weeks ago I read " I Funny : A Middle School Story " by James Patterson ( yes , the same James Patterson that writes thrillers - he also writes children 's books ) . It was a quick read about a boy , Jamie Grimm , who wants to become the world 's greatest stand - up comedian . Jamie has a lot of personal obstacles but keeps a wonderful sense of humor . He decides to enter a contest called The Planet 's Funniest Kid Comic . I found myself cheering Jamie on the whole way . He is an extremely likable boy who is amazingly strong . Not only was this book clever and funny , it was heartwarming . When I was a little girl living in Japan I remember my mom had glass bottled milk delivered to our doorstep . At that time there was no relevance to it . As a teenager I thought it was so " uncool " to have some old Japanese guy deliver milk by bicycle to our doorstep . Fast forward to today and I can 't believe we actually had milk delivered that way ! It was way cool ! If only we could get our milk delivered that way again . Even though we can 't get personal milk delivery where I live I am lucky to have a local dairy farm a few miles from my home . That is where I purchase my milk . And , yes , it comes in glass bottles ! Glass milk bottles can be sterilized and reused multiple times . We return our milk bottles to the dairy farm for a refund on the deposit we pay for the bottle . The dairy farm sells milk in half gallon , quart and pint sizes . I often keep a few bottles at home for multiple uses . I use the pint bottles to hold paint brushes . The quarts make great vases for my favorite flower , sunflowers . The half gallon bottles make great sun tea in the summertime . Even my husband uses the pint bottle for his early morning coffee while he commutes to work ! Like I just mentioned above , glass can be recycled indefinitely . Plastic , on the other hand , degrades during the recycling process and cannot be reused in the same manner . Yes , tetra pak milk cartons can be recycled , but they are not accepted by most curbside recycling programs . Some research I 've found suggests that a majority just end up in landfills . Plastic is made from petroleum , and its manufacturer is highly polluting . Research suggests that one 16 ounce bottle generates 100 times the toxic emissions as making the same bottle out of glass . Pretty amazing , isn 't it ? There has been a lot of chatter lately about chemicals leaching from plastic . It is extremely worrisome when that very plastic holds our food . Glass , on the other hand , is known to be safe . If you buy milk in glass bottles chances are you are buying local . Buying local supports your community . Buying local typically supports small local business . Bottom line , buying local is just better . There are many more reasons why I think buying milk in glass bottles is beneficial . But , when it comes down to it , I just love the nostalgia of it all . So , even if the above weren 't facts I 'd still buy milk in glass bottles . Knowing that it is much better from an environmental standpoint just makes me much happier with my choice . This year I lost my daughter to the Easter Bunny tradition . Although it was sad I was happy she could help mom and dad , and shop for goodies for her little brother and baby sister . Of course , she got to pick out her own basket goodies as well , which worked out well in her favor . I always add toothbrushes and toothpaste in the kids baskets . It never hurts to remind my little ones about the importance of dental hygiene ! This year I also added books . My daughter got " Middle School : My Brother is a Big , Fat Liar " and my son got his very first Magic Tree House book , " Dinosaurs Before Dark " . Unlike his artistic sister my son is very factual . Both are very excited to start reading their books ! This week was more of a planning project week . It 's finally warming up enough where we could open the tree house back up . We still need to put down some simple wood flooring and finish the roofing . Right now it looks like the tree house will have a metal roof , which will end up being a lot nicer than the roof we have on our house ! This was my first time reading a graphic novel and I must say the graphics are excellent . It is a novel for young teens , especially girls . The story is quick and speaks about social anxiety , body image , friendship , and ghostbusting . The main character , Anya , smokes which I did not like at all . But , all in all , it was a a quick read and was a good graphic novel to read . When I first moved to the New England 14 years ago I had never set foot on the East Coast . Yet I had this odd fascination with the East Coast lifestyle . Somehow that lifestyle seemed much more fitting to me . Living a majority of my life overseas in Japan , I was also fortunate to live in places like California , Guam and Hawaii . Pretty awesome , right ? Even with those wonderful opportunities I missed something … I never truly experienced the change of seasons . So when I met my husband I was lucky to discover he was from Maine … which eventually led us " home " to raise our family on our beautiful mini - homestead . Spring is a tricky time in Northern New England . Yes , spring officially starts in March , although you really don 't reap the warmer temperature benefits until much later . But , in all honesty , there never really is a true spring up here . It 's mud season . This is when all the snow and ice melts . Sometimes it rains . Sometimes it snows . More often , we get a wintery mix and erratic swings in climate . Nature is at its most capricious . Just looking out my door I can see the soft ground peeking through the melting snow . It 's soft , it 's squishy … it 's mud . And at this homestead it means a lot of dirt dragging in the house . Not only from my kids , but the dog and , worst of all , my husband ( sorry , honey , but it 's true ) . Mud season also means it 's time to put up those heavy winter coats and break out the spring weather wear . Fleeces for chilly mornings and evenings , rain coats for the slushy mess , and muck boots to trek out in to the yard or , as in my kids case , just play . Mud season is probably the most dreaded season of the year . Yes , even more dreaded than winter . However , it 's the price of living in Maine . Our winter brings fresh snow and bright blue skies ; autumn has the most glorious foliage and summer , with moderate heat and low humidity , is perfection . Spring does not really kick in until May , and then everything blooms at once . I love living in a place with all the seasons , even if I 'm counting the days to daffodils and tulips . When I think about it mud season is not all bad . There are no crowds . Days are getting longer . Shovels rest while snow piles shrink . Empty beaches are beautifully surreal . The sidewalks around town are finally clear of ice . We 've been hibernating all winter so throw on a pair of your mud boots and enjoy the outdoors ! Ahh … not only is spring around the corner , it 's Pinewood Derby time . The Pinewood Derby is a racing event for Cub Scouts in the Boy Scouts . Cub Scouts , with the help of parents , build their own cars from wood , usually from kits that contain a block of pine , plastic wheels and metal axles . Truth be told , I didn 't know what the derby was until last year when my son joined the Cub Scouts . The derby came right at a time when my husband began a 2 - month patrol . If you ask me ( and him ) , horrible timing . I panicked . I have no clue how to build things , let alone build things that are suppose to move . A neighbor offered to have my son build his car with their son . At first it sounded appealing but after a lot thinking I knew this was a project my son and I needed to tackle on our own , even if dad wasn 't around . In the end , we did it ! My son and I built a derby car ! At one point in the building phase I considered making a Facebook status that said , " who needs a man when a tool - deficient mom can do this ? " But I quickly remembered the kind old man at Lowe 's who quickly showed me how to operate my dremel tool in 10 seconds ( I tried for hours at home and couldn 't figure it out ) . I remembered the YouTube video ( featuring a man ) showing me how I 'll sand and polish the wheels . Last , but not least , I remembered the numerous emails back and forth to my husband asking his advice . And , most importantly , I reminded myself that this project was not about me , but about my son . About us working together . So , instead , I kept my lips sealed . You see the whole idea of the Pinewood Derby is to encourage a bond between a boy and his parent / guardian . They should work together . And , yes , they should build a car that looks cool and goes fast . But the overall focus should be on fun and growth . Right ? ! ? ! At least that 's what I think . However , I get the distinct impression that the derby is more about dad 's flexing their muscles desperately attempting to out race every other grown man . I have worked hard with my son . My son drew his design and was very adamant that his design was " the one " . When it came time to saw I did the work . But he helped sand and he painted . He guided me every step of the way , down to the " x marks the spot " carving he wanted on his car . It truly was a project he was 100 % involved in and had 100 % input . It all began when a fellow parent posted pictures of his son 's derby on a social media site . Looking at the car I immediately knew it was a car completely made by the parent . As I looked at that car the only thing I could think of was how much my son will be disappointed because his car didn 't look as " cool " . I began to obsess at how I could just do something to make his car better . And as awful as it sounds , I even contemplated buying a car on eBay . Thank goodness for my husband and my wonderful kids . They quickly snapped me out of this horrible funk . However , it led me to do some research and reading on the whole concept of competitive parenting , parents taking on their children 's assignments as their own . Did you know that a recent study found that up to 70 % of kids will plagiarize , cheat and pass off others works as their own before they graduate college ? The study suggested that kids are under greater pressure than ever before to succeed , and that they have a greater number of daily stressors than any other generation . It 's a tough world out there , I get that , but does this mean parents need to start doing their children 's work for them ? Don 't you think that by doing more for our kids we are actually doing less , creating the inability to learn about life 's lessons on their own ? This derby has inspired me to create a rule in our house : Projects will be done by our kids . My husband and I buy materials , advise and even make suggestions . We encourage the kids and guide them but we also make sure they take ownership of the project / task . They need to learn how to develop skills to complete a project from beginning to end . This new rule came at a time when my daughter was also assigned a project in school . Sh needed to create a poster on why our family loves Maine . It was a family project . My daughter insisted I come up with all the reasons why we love Maine . I helped , but I left the rest to her . And guess what ? She came up with the best reason why our family loves Maine , on her own ! I like to think I chose the high road on this one . Was I tempted to cheat after seeing all of those pictures of glossy pieces of wood and glue ? Hell yes I was , but I didn 't . And that is what I love the idea of living simply , and the whole homesteading movement . I think perhaps Robert Frost was right . Choosing the road less traveled may very well make all the difference in the world . * * At the completion of writing this blog I came across a movie on Netflix , " Down & Derby " . It 's a comedy that satirizes the desperate behavior of parents who compete with one another through their children . It was a hoot to watch … and made me thankful I never went off the deep end . I am proud to say that the derby car is complete ! Just in time for the races this coming weekend . Just some minor sanding and paint touch ups . I didn 't have time to do many projects this week ( I 'll get to that in a minute ) . I was able to make a peppermint citrus scrub though . It is extremely easy to make . You can use sugar or salt , both will gently exfoliate the skin . The cooling sensation of the peppermint oil helps soothe itchiness , and the coconut oil ( or another other oil you choose to use ) moisturizes . I like the citrus because it is very invigorating and immediately wakes you up and has a wonderful clean , spring / summer scent . We definitely need that up here in Northern New England ! 1 / 3 cup coconut oil . You can substitute olive oil , almond oil , apricot oil , avocado oil , or even use a combination . 2 - 4 Tablespoons orange zest . You can also use lemon or grapefruit zest , it 's really your preference . Mix sugar , oil , zest , and vegetable glycerin together . Depending on what type of oil you use , you may need to add more or less to get the proper consistency . Make sure there is enough oil to make the sugar stick together , but not so much that it is floating on top . Store your sugar scrub in a glass container . I put mine up on the kitchen window sill . The great thing is that this scrub also makes an awesome gift , especially in the summer when we 're all out in the garden getting our hands dirty ! Just rub a small amount of the scrub on your hands or body and rinse with warm water . Honestly the sky is the limit on this scrub . You can add any scent and oil you choose . I think my next one will involve lavender and rosemary . This week I really had to focus on my daughter and her school work . I was so nervous about her learning and study habits . Thankfully , everything turned out just fine . I just need to ensure I stay on top of her and encourage her . She has been reading " My Life as a Book " so I read it as well . I must say this has been of my favorite books she 's brought home so far ! Maybe it 's because the main character reminds me of a cross between her and her devious brother ! The kids enjoyed a wonderful few days with dad as he made a quick visit home ( thus the lack of projects I could complete - there was too much excitement at home ) . Unfortunately , the visit was short lived and he 's out patrolling our waters again . It 's only for a few weeks and he 'll finally be back home for a decent amount of time . Just in time to get the garden going ! This morning as I sat in front of my laptop thinking about my next blog I received an email reply from my father . A brief rewind … my parents are in the process of preparing for retirement . We have convinced them to leave sunny San Diego and come here to Maine , at least part - time . Things are now starting to progress and we are now preparing to build an attachment on to our house . There has been a lot of discussion back and forth on design , location , etc . The hottest of topics … a garage . Me : " No way the old man will agree . He has to wipe down his car every day . He 'll have a hellava time doing it on days like today . ( We got another foot of slushy snow ) . A conversation that could have been silly banter back and forth quickly turned sour and negative . This quick email exchange made me realize that it 's easy to fall prey to negative thinking . Having negative thoughts can cause a fog where it 's almost impossible to loosen up , have fun , and see the brighter side . Negative thoughts drain you of energy and keep you from being in the present moment . The more you give in to your negative thoughts , the stronger they become . On the contrary , a small positive thought can have the same effect blossoming into a beautiful outcome . As we all know when we start to have negative thoughts , shifting our focus to something positive is much easier said than done . But , I have found , it 's the only way I can personally get turned around . Nothing gets me moving in the right direction more easily than " choosing " to look for the silver lining in my life . Frankly , I just don 't have time to be or deal with a Nasty Nelly . I 'm not saying everyone should walk around happy all day long , skipping down the street , whistling show tunes . I 'm also not saying that happy thoughts is the cure all for every ailment known to mankind . What I am saying is that if we all just lighten up just a little bit we can avoid going down a path that can be potentially painful and unnecessary . It wasn 't long ago where " I chose " to see the worst in everything . If I had to pick a phrase my husband would use to describe this time it would be the " duck and cover " period . He even got the kids in to it . When he would calmly say , " Hey , I think it 's going to be a full moon tonight " it was code speak for , " Mommy is going to go bug crap crazy soon . Seek cover . " To this day if my kids see a full moon I can hear them whisper , " uh oh " . My favorite is hot yoga . When the husband is away I do what I can at home , especially with a little one . Even listening to meditation music at night before bed does wonders . I 'm blessed I have two older children who , believe it or not , dim the lights , turn on the music , take the baby , and just let me relax . Who cares if it 's only for 5 minutes before the crying and fighting starts . 5 minutes is better than nothing ! Meditation and yoga helps me stay present - the only moment , the most important moment . We all gotta do it . It really does help change your mood and relieve stress . And , believe it or not , it takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown . You don 't know how many times my husband calls / emails and tells me his schedule has changed and won 't be home when expected . The old me would instantly freak out and get mad . And , yes , perhaps , a few threats of divorce . What I failed to see is that the change was not his doing . So , as a family , we make do with the cards we are dealt , and remain thankful for our strong family unit that is fortunate enough to live in a beautiful state . 5 . Don 't play the victim . You create your life - take responsibility . If I am unhappy with a situation I think of what I can do to change it . We always have the choice to make change happen . Every so often I like to take the focus away from me and do something nice for another person . I admit , though , my husband is much better at this than I am . When the Nemo blizzard hit I plowed the driveway of an older couple up the street from my home . I am no expert snow plower … I only took out a small tree , a flower bed … then there was some sod … hmm , I digress . I did what I could . In the end , my neighbor was happy ( ish ) , and I felt great about myself . It 's addictive . Choose to help someone else . Random acts of kindness last forever and make us feel great about who we are . 7 . Remember that no one is perfect and let yourself move forward . It 's easy to dwell on mistakes . Learn from them and move forward . I always remind myself that my mistakes led to where I am today … my family , this home , this present life surrounded by nature and clean air . I 'm an awful dancer , and even worse at singing . But when I do it I feel great . Singing to " Call Me Maybe " in the car with my kids , or dancing in front of my baby while she 's in her bouncy seat … it 's an easy way to cleanse , providing quick , and cheap , stress relief . 9 . List five things that you are grateful for right now . When things are really crazy I stop , breathe , and appreciate what I already have . Here 's my list : My husband , my children , my home , my health , and my new found path in life . This week I am also especially grateful for electricity . Whether it 's a book , positive quotes , keeping a journal , or writing a blog . Reading and writing is an amazing outlet . Just writing this blog has already made me forget the emails I exchanged with my father this morning . I was able to go back and write to him as if nothing had happened , in a normal tone .
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I had such a hard time getting with it today since this was my first " normal " day this week with hurricane Sandy throwing everyone off . I am definitely not a big Halloween person , but I did " celebrate " with Skinny Taste 's Pumpkin Spice Cupcakes ! I absolutely love these cupcakes ( pictured above ) . They are now my Halloween staple , if you will . They 're light , easy to make , and always a crowd pleaser . I also made a " cookie cemetery " for my church group last night . It was a huge hit ! It was really easy to make and was totally delicious . I will admit , the picture for it is pretty awful , but that 's all I had time to snap before it was devoured . While I 'm definitely not into Halloween , I absolutely love making holiday - themed desserts and food . Well , that 's all for now ! Usually when I think of topics for my " daily imperfections " posts , I think of little small annoyances in my day like traffic , getting food on a piece of clothing , forgetting to thaw the meat I 'm using for dinner - small fries . Today 's daily imperfection is a whopper of an " imperfection " if I say so myself . I sit here in the dim light of my thankfully still - lit living room welcoming the forceful wind and battering rain against my windows from Hurricane Sandy . Yes , today has been quite an interesting day . Nothing quite like a hurricane to throw off all your plans ! [ For informational purposes , I am located in Massachusetts . ] It all started last night when my husband realized his workplace was closed . This was really unusual , and made me take this all a lot more seriously . Friends of mine were posting on Facebook that their school or workplace had been closed , but I didn 't think much of it until my husband 's workplace was closed - a very rare occurrence for his workplace . We found this out at about 11 pm and immediately proceeded to make preparations in case we had to leave soon . We filled a bunch of containers with water in case we lose power . We brought in a cooler from our car and started making extra ice , also in case we lose power ( for food ) . I went to bed past midnight last night and could barely fall asleep realizing that this storm was coming . This morning , we woke up early and went right to the store . Normally , my shopping day is tomorrow , so we were pretty low on food in general . At 7 am , the grocery store that is otherwise usually packed was rather quiet . I was surprised and thought for sure it would be a mad house . We got a lot of canned and nonperishable food , and also got some gas for the car . However , two hours later when we went out to get more dog food , the store looked packed . I realized Beans was running quite low on food , so we decided to go back out to get some more . I was so surprised that Petsmart was open when many other store were closed . Right now , there are high winds outside and rain . I live on the top floor of an apartment complex , so I 'm not worried about flooding of my home . No one in Massachusetts has been ordered to evacuate except those in the Cape or near the beach . We 're most worried about the power going out for an extended period of time . And if it does , we 've got candles , food , and water . So , onto the ( many ) imperfections . . . The biggest thing that threw me off is that today was supposed to be my first day of work at a new job . That was cancelled , which yes , I am bummed about because I am excited to start my new job , but I am also not complaining . Among other things , I 've had such weird thoughts running through my head today . When I took I shower , I couldn 't help but think what if the power goes out right now ? Because I realize the power could go out ( and I 've literally been expecting it to go out at any minute all day ) , I have the mindset of " what if ? " What if I can 't heat up our leftovers later ? What if I don 't have water to wash the dishes ? What if we run out of food ? What if the bottom level of this building floods ? There are so many " what if 's " to consider and they 've all been racing through my head all day . I 'm not necessarily worried by any of this , like I am fearful of it happening . But I think I am just becoming mentally aware of the grandeur that the situation could hold . It 's amazing what we take for granted : running water always available , electricity for the computer and other electronics , food , shelter , and safety . I never really think about these things , but a situation like Hurricane Sandy has prompted me to realize that all of those things we think are " givens " can actually be gone soon . Sandy has basically thrown off my whole schedule and the schedule of those along the East Coast . Today is normally my cleaning day , but I didn 't clean because it just didn 't seem logical . Tomorrow is normally my shopping day , but I went shopping today and got very different items than I would normally get so that they would keep . I also am planning on making dinner for some friends tomorrow , but I didn 't buy the food I was planning to prepare in case power was lost . And just a few days ago , I was thinking Monday would be one of my run days this week . Yeah , right ! All my plans have been renegotiated in the wake of Sandy . I really can 't stand changes to my schedule in normal days , but I 've had so much peace about my schedule ( or lack of ) today because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it . But , changes to the schedule aren 't always that bad . I 've had time to give myself a fancy manicure , do some reading and watch a movie . In my Bible study today , I was prompted to read Psalm 136 , which repeats the phrase " His love endures forever . " I 'm glad I was reminded of this today . I 've been resting in peace with the knowledge that God 's love never fails , even when we can 't " see " it at all times . I was also prompted to read Zechariah 9 : 14 - 15 , which says , " He will march in the storms of the south , and the Lord Almighty will shield them . " I 'm always amazed at the relevance of my related readings for my daily devotionals . God always puts a perfect scripture in my life when I need it most . I truly believe that God will shield those affected by the storm . Today has not been a " perfect " day as I would have envisioned . Rather , it has been a day of reflecting on the life I do have and what could become of it all because of this storm . Praying for the whole East Coast now ! Stay safe ! Let 's just start with this : I have been dying to write about social media for quite some time . This year , I seemed to have really seen through the facade that social media is , and yet also used social media myself more than ever before . Social media is the new everything . Every business and person these days is using social media to reach as many people as they can . Yeah , it 's the " wave of the future , " but it 's also making me really unhappy . Have you ever thought about it ? Please take a moment to assess your relationship with social media . I 'll wait . Think about how much time you spend on social media either wasting time or procrastinating / avoiding things you really could be doing . Think about how the things you see on social media make you feel . Another person engaged ? Another ten pins about so - and - so 's wedding . [ Insert negative feeling here ] . How many times does your phone beep at a new like on Facebook or tweet from your bff ? Maybe you don 't feel as annoyed by social media as I do , but taking the time to assess our relationship to the media we expose ourselves to is worth some serious thought . I personally feel that social media is relentlessly pursuing us - day and night , night and day . Did you ever stop to think if you wanted a relationship with social media in the first place ? My Personal Social Media Battle Personally , social media gives me a little anxiety . All this info about myself out there for who knows to see . Kind of weird . But our culture pushes social media so hard . It 's the only way to stay connected ! Everyone else has it . Oh , you don 't have this new app yet ? You better get it ! Relentless . And this is where the joy stealing comes in to play . Social media is pushed on us so heavily that we 're almost forced to get whatever the latest thing is . But what if I don 't want yet another app or another thing to check ? Too bad - you 're a total weirdo if you don 't have Facebook nowadays . And if you have it , you better be checking it all the time . " You didn 't see that on Facebook yet ? " We 've all had one of those comments thrown our way , as if we should feel guilty for not letting our news feed be our homepages . But enough ranting , let 's get to the question of why social media can steal joy . Why Social Media Steals Joy 1 . Habit . You have to constantly check it or it constantly reminds you to check it . This is just another thing to do . This kind of task doesn 't get put on a to do list , though . It just happens . It becomes a habit , and probably one you never wanted to have . 2 . Facade . It 's a false view of reality . Most of the time , anything on Facebook is everyone 's best . No one updates their status with " I 'm so anxious today " or " I hate how all my clothes look on me right now . " No one is going to be that honest with such a large audience , usually . People show their best and hide their worst . But you 're usually left comparing your worst or how you really feel to everyone else 's best . It 's a completely skewed vision of your friends and the world around you . 3 . Bragging Rights . Along with the last one , social media is now basically a socially acceptable way to brag . You got a new hair cut ? Instagram it . You got a new car ? Put photos of it on Facebook . You 're getting married ? Better pin ten new wedding planning ideas to Pinterest , stat ! No , there 's nothing wrong with using social media as it was intended , but you know that some people take it too far . 4 . Wastes Time . I never use social media , and then when I 'm done say , " That was time well spent " ( okay , unless it 's Pinterest , but that 's just because Pinterest fools us into thinking we actually " did " something ) . There 's so much information online that it 's hard if not impossible to catch up with it all again . You can just keep clicking to your heart 's content forever , if you let yourself . There 's always something new and with so many new social media apps and websites being introduced , there 's always more to check and thus waste your time . 5 . Self - focused . While Facebook and Twitter certainly do have capabilities to interact with others , the majority of the way these platforms are used is for thy self . Facebook 's status bar always has the question " What 's on your mind ? " , as if everyone you 're friends with really needs or wants to know . Ultimately , social media , whether I want to admit it or not , has turned into " all about me " things instead of connecting with people . It 's more about what you can show others , not the other way around . Obviously , this is a pessimistic view of social media , but to be honest , social media has gotten me pretty down lately . As a person trying to live intentionally - setting goals , using my time wisely , not worrying , being self - controlled - I find social media counteracting my personal goals . I 've unfortunately felt like ( since working on this post for a while now ) that social media is something that we can 't live with or without . I feel even more tugged in two directions as a blogger . If I want my blog to grow and succeed , social media literally IS the only way to do that now ! Yes , there are many ways to get blog traffic , but read any recent article on how to direct more traffic to your blog , and social media is at the top . Anyway , it 's hard to think I want to unplug and be done with this nonsense when our culture is driven by technology and social influences . I 've considered writing off all online everything altogether , besides my email I guess , but then I feel that I would be left in the dark - not about people 's lives but with up and coming technology . Finding the Balance For now , the balance remains up to me . I have the power to say no to any social network or app that I don 't want to be a part of . It 's easy to feel like if everyone else has it that you too must partake . But do you remember life before Facebook or , dare I say , MySpace ? I hardly do since I was quite young when these networks came around , but yes - there was life before Facebook and Twitter and even Pinterest ! People lived without social media for years , and probably much happier than our addicted - to - being - online culture does now . The balance rests in my hands , sometimes literally . My phone is always at my finger tips . My laptop flicks on as soon as I open it . Social media is always waiting , but you don 't have to be . There are a lot of ways to limit your use of social media . I could probably write a whole other post about that ! But some simple things I 've learned is to turn off notifications on my phone for pretty much everything , or I 'm just glued to it as soon as it beeps . I try to have " phone - free " time and limit my time mindlessly using my computer . Just remembering that I am in control and things don 't control me brings back my sense of joy that I so long to have . 8 Tips for a Deep Clean A few weeks ago , I was getting ready to go on a vacation mid - week . One of the tasks I always do before going on vacation or any trip is cleaning . I love nothing more than coming home to a spotless house after vacation . It 'd probably be my worst nightmare to come back from a relaxing , fun vacation to see a dirty and messy home ! While I was cleaning , I started thinking of some things I do to deep clean my home . Since I want my cleaning to last from now until I get back home , I went the deep cleaning route . The tips below are nothing revolutionary , but they urge you to clean a little further than normal to get that lasting sparkle . I try to complete the following cleaning activities about once a month . Fellow cleaners , read on ! 1 . Wipe off baseboards with a dry microfiber cloth . Wipe over them with a dryer sheet to prevent future dust build - up ( the dryer sheet repels dust ) . 2 . Take everything off your kitchen counters ( yes , everything ) and scrub counter tops with the rough side of a sponge , getting all the caked on food build up and crumbs in the corners . If you have darker counters or just don 't do this often , you 'll be amazed at what is still hanging out on your counters . Finish with a disinfecting wipe before putting everything back . 3 . Take every item off of a piece of a wood furniture ( dresser , bookcase , table ) . Mist a microfiber cloth with pledge or your dusting cleaner of choice . Wipe down the whole piece , rubbing the pledge or oil into the wood really well . Put items back and enjoy the shine . I do this to all of my furniture at least once a month . It 's a lot of taking off and putting back together ( especially for my 16 cube Ikea unit ! ) , but it 's worth it get the dust away for real instead of just wiping around things . 4 . Deep clean the bathtub by using a vinegar and blue dawn solution once a month . Let the solution sit for as long as you can stand ( the longer , the better ) . Wipe clean with a sponge . The solution mixture can be found here . 5 . Get on your hands and knees with a dust pan and brush to sweep the floor . Stuff piles up in the corners that a normal broom or swiffer miss . Take your time and dust up the hidden crumbs ! 6 . Wash your rugs ( if they 're machine washable ) . I wash my bathroom and hallway rugs once a month . You can also fluff them up in the dryer for ten minutes or so with a dryer sheet between washes . 7 . Windex your windows ! I was amazed when I started doing this , and couldn 't believe I wasn 't doing it before . You can see out of them again afterwards - go figure ! This also applies for anything glass : the fireplace doors , French doors with windows , etc . 8 . Wipe down the front of any cabinets you have ( kitchen , bathroom , etc . ) I usually use a disinfecting wipe for this because my cabinets aren 't wood but plastic laminate . Again , I was amazed at how much grossness I was wiping off when I started doing this . My cabinets are white too , so this makes a world of difference . If you dare . . . wipe down the inside of the cabinets as well , especially if you keep your trash under the sink . Today I got up frightfully early at about 5 AM . This isn 't a normal occurrence in my household , so my body was a little shocked . Normally when I get up earlier than usual , I 'm not hungry until my normal breakfast time . Food just doesn 't sound good to me , and sometimes I neglect eating for an hour or so . However , I actually woke up starving . But knowing it was so early , I wanted a breakfast that was satisfying and that would stick with me until lunch time . Thankfully , I just pinned a recipe from Skinny Taste last night for Pumpkin Spiced Oatmeal that was perfect for all my breakfast needs and my appetite for all things pumpkin ! I also just got Trader Joe 's seasonal Pumpkin Butter , so it was perfect . And if you 've never had pumpkin butter - now is the time to start enjoying it ! It 's amazing if you love pumpkin . Gina 's recipe calls for regular oats , but all I had were steel cut oats . I find that the steel cut oats serving size is too small , so I usually up it to two servings , which changes the calories . Here 's my take on the oatmeal : Today turned out to be what I call " one of those days . " You know , the ones where everything is just kind of in a funk from the start ? Not really a bad day necessarily , just an " off day . " Those are the kind of days that make me feel like I just can 't wait until tomorrow , a different and new day . But I 've really been working on trying not to wish away my time . This is all the time we get , after all , so why not live it with grace ? It 's been no easy task to simply " accept things the way they are " as nice as that always sounds . But the path I have been on - trying to let go of perfection and accept reality for what it is - has actually delivered me to " just accept it . " The reason why today was " one of those days " is because I knew I needed to make a doctor 's appointment , but was resisting . Thankfully , I followed the advice of my wonderful husband , who encouraged me this morning to just make the call and go in . But , it being a Friday where the clinic I go to has limited hours and it 's hard to get last minute appointments at this place anyway , I was not optimistic . I called and the office put me in for an " on call " appointment , meaning they would call me within the next four hours . Just what I wanted to hear , right ? Does that mean in thirty minutes , or the whole four hours - I 'd never know . But I hung up , satisfied that I had at least broke down to make the appointment , even if it was lost in limbo for the time being . The doctor 's actually ended up calling me quickly , within an hour , but - of course - right in the middle of my workout . Typical . So I had to give up on my workout ( oh , darn . . . ) and go to the doc 's . The whole experience at the doctor 's office took me nearly two hours , though ! I was seen quickly , but then asked if I wanted to wait around for the test results and then possibly get medication . I said I would wait , but I ended up waiting about an hour and fifteen minutes ! They said they would call me when the results were back , so I could leave and then come back . I did leave and went to Dunkin Donuts ( and had a very disappointing and dry apple orchard donut ) and window shopped for a while , trying to take my time but listen for the call . Well , no one ever called me , and after over an hour , I decided it was time to head back to bug them . They saw me again and confirmed my results , telling me I needed some meds . But then I had to go to the pharmacy to wait for those for twenty minutes . . . You see what I mean about one of those days now ? I did it ! ! ! ! I ran 13 . 1 miles and lived ! Hooray ! Morning of the Race Nervous as ever . I really felt prepared for the race , but my body was kind of freaking out on me . For breakfast , the hubs and I had a bagel with peanut butter and a protein smoothie . I was surprised I could even eat as early as it was and as nervous as I felt . We parked , and got to the start line area - total chaos of people walking around and it was freeeezing ! It was about 53 degrees , give or take , and I was cold ! This made me even more nervous because then is started questioning my clothing choices and wondered if it would make the run harder . After we waited in line for a long time to use a lovely port - a - potty , we lined up for the race . They organize people by pace time ( ex : 9 - min mile pace ) . We got into our designated spot , but people just kept piling in . I started to feel like sardines in a can right before the race started . There was hardly room for me to turn around . There were over 6 , 000 people at this race ! And they 're off ! When we started to move , at first all we could was walk because we were still too close to everyone else . But when I started to run , it was the most surreal feeling in the world . I was like , Okay , I 'm running . Wait ! I 'm running ! It was just so odd because I had thought about this race in my head so many times - and there it was , in reality , happening . The first five miles of the race went really well . We had really good pace , but then we had to stop for another port - o - potty around mile 6 . This threw us off a little because stopping and then starting again is so hard . I also had to wait in line to go to the bathroom , which was awkward to run for 6 miles and then just stop suddenly . We picked it up a little again , but miles 11 and 12 were pretty rough . Mile 13 seemed to last forevver because this particular mile winded runners through a zoo , and there were all these loops and turns . It was also really narrow in spots , so it took runners longer to get through at that point . Volunteers provide water and Gatorade . At this race , it was every two miles . The volunteers just stand holding a cup out to their side , waiting for someone to grab it . It was so weird to just grab a cup of liquid from someone and keep running ! It seemed rude , but that 's just the way it works . Then after you drink the water / Gatorade , you can just throw the cup wherever you please ! There 's photographers . I didn 't realize this before hand . It didn 't bother me at all , but you 'd see one and be like , Oh , I bet that was a great picture . . . when I wasn 't paying attention . Yes , they caught some lovely pictures of me . No , you can 't see them . Other people didn 't get in my way at all . I was expecting to be cut off or trampled or something , but it was all fine . Post - Race We finished in about 2 hour and 19 minutes . This is definitely not a fast time , but it was better than I was expecting . I am actually thrilled with that time because it 's less than 2 hours and 30 minutes , which is what I thought I would run it in . I am just so glad I finished . I could care less about the time ! I will say , the one bad thing about the race was stopping . Oh . My Goodness . My body was just screaming What did you just do to me ? ! ? ! I kind of wished I never had to stop , just to avoid that feeling . . . Right where we stopped , there was also a medic tent with tons of people getting ice bags taped to them , which just made me feel even worse , like all of us runners were broken or something . Both the hubs and I agreed that we felt " broken " afterward . But volunteers also gave us medals , and then we got to walk through a bunch of tents of free stuff , so it wasn 't that bad . Among the free stuff , they had bagels , bananas , trail mix , Power Bars , granola , and probably some other stuff I didn 't see . And of course tons of water and Gatorade . I can honestly say the Gatorade I had afterward was the best Gatorade of my life . Never had any tasted so good ! The broken feeling did go away after the Gatorade , a banana , and a Power Bar . : ) Why it was Awesome Honestly , it was a great race . Nothing went wrong . Imagine that ! My shoes never came untied . I never got too hot . And the cold went away after about two miles . The weather was actually perfect - no rain , not hot , not freezing after a bit . My iPod magically played all my favorite songs , and the music really kept me going . The hubs ran by me as much as he could ( I am a wee bit slower than he ) . When I felt like my legs were going to give out , I kept going . When I saw mile 12 , I got a huge rush just thinking about how close I was to the finish line . When I saw mile 13 , I was overjoyed ! The hubs and I finished the race holding hands with our arms in the air ! Overall , the race was like nothing I ever could have predicted . It was actually very different than I thought it would be . I had twelve weeks to envision the race , but what the race was actually like was so much cooler and not as scary as I envisioned . This race proved to me that I can do it . Physically , mentally , emotionally . I can push myself that far . When most the time my mind is saying Stop ! I don 't want to do this ! or my body feels like it can 't possibly go further , I remember that I am in the one in control - I am the one with the power inside me . The completion of the race gives me so much power and hope for my future progress . If I can commit to twelve weeks of training and running an awesome race - I can do anything then , right ? That 's how I feel anyway : empowered . Strong . Determined . Of course , now that I 've done it , I 've already been asked if I would do another one . My answer is : absolutely . If I can do it one , I can definitely do it again , and hopefully better than before . Would I do a full marathon ? I 'm still not convinced on that one ! I 've been all kinds of busy lately , and sometimes blogging just doesn 't make it into my schedule . Blog topics always seem to be brewing in my head , but actually making time to write them is a whole other animal . Anyway , a topic that has really resonated with me lately is this : what is taking away from the joy you could have ? What things , activities , habits , or strongholds in your life are preventing you from being happy in your every day life ? Life is not always about being happy , but certain patterns and habits in our lives can take hold when they shouldn 't . For me , all of 2012 has really been about discovering how to live intentionally instead of living a life that is driven by culture , which so often leads to many joyless days . In this series , I will cover many reasons why joy can vanish so quickly from our busy lives . The goal of this series is to explore things in your life that really shouldn 't be there , or things that have taken such a hold on you , that it 's sucking your happiness dry . This series is a four - part blog series that will cover some serious joy stealers . The topics are : Social Media and Other Things that Waste Our Time Two Friends I Know too Well : Worry and Anxiety The Pursuit of What ? When Body Image Issues Take Over Doubt , Fear , Insecurity and Anything Else I May have Missed I 'm excited to launch this series and delve deep into some hard topics . I am passionate about creating and building the best life I can but while also still being happy doing it ! Too much of what we are fed on a daily basis is about perfection , and this series seeks to dive right through the heart of the matters that affect people the most . I hope you 're as excited as I am for this new series . There are obviously a lot of other topics I could cover with this topic . Is there something specific you would like to see me write about ? Let me know ! No comments : Daily Imperfection : Pinterest I 've been meaning to blog about Pinterest for quite a while . Pinterest has exploded this year with everyone I know , myself included . To say I am a little addicted to Pinterest is quite the understatement . I 've gotten plenty of great ideas from Pinterest , and I love that ideas on Pinterest are always changing . Sure , Pinterest is just all fun and games , but how does it affect how you think and view the world ? Like my recent post about lies we believe , I know Pinterest is just another avenue to get people unhappy with what they actually have , desiring what they can 't have , and becoming utterly disappointed and unfulfilled . Sound harsh ? Take a look below . How many times do you log onto Pinterest and feel good about yourself because you just pinned five new crafts or two new sweaters you want ? By pinning things to do or get ( and too much of it at that ) , you take ownership of that thing , letting it give you a sense of fulfillment . There isn 't anything wrong with being fulfilled by having purpose , but what are you letting fulfill you ? Completely unrealistic things or things that are of good character ? I get it . If I hadn 't just gotten married myself , I would have done the same thing . But why are so many people pinning stuff for a wedding that is no where close to taking place ? It is fun to dream , and society has taught women to dream of their wedding day for years before it even comes . But I feel that pinning dresses you like on your " Future wedding " board is a step down a dangerous path . Do you really feel like you 're going come back to that Pinterest board when you are engaged maybe years later and look at all those pins ? Is it really of use or is it just for dreaming and idealizing ? Pinning wedding stuff now only sets your expectations for your wedding and your future groom even higher than they should be . Yeah , us girls usually have some ideas of our perfect wedding in our head , but when your man does come along , do you think it would freak him out to see your " future wedding board " and what it entails ? Probably . Overall , it 's unrealistic to pin the fanciest wedding garb , unless you really are going to use those ideas . My name is Melissa , and I 'm a 23 - year - old writer , dreamer , and doggy mama . This blog is about my personal growth in overcoming perfection in many areas of my life including exercise , diet , faith , and in just being myself . I strive to live a healthy , happy life by embracing life just the way it is : perfectly imperfect .
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2 Replies I 'm standing in front of a tent full of people . I 've finished my glass of white wine , my cowboy boots are cutting into my ankles , and my lace dress feels just a bit too sweaty to be beautiful . I unfold the crumpled paper , look out at these faces , some I know , some I do not , and I begin to read . It feels a lot like singing , this performance , in the way that time moves so swiftly I don 't quite notice it 's passing . I read all the words . I look up once in awhile , smile at the appropriate times , slow down when I feel like I 'm rushing . But I 'm not really aware of what I 'm doing or how I 'm doing it . It might be that everyone 's looking at me but hardly anyone knows my name . It might be the heat of June . It could be stage fright . It 's probably all three . I know what I talked about only because I wrote it down . I painted a picture of when we were little girls , playing Little House on the Prairie and baking together , playing Manhunt on summer nights . I talked about loyalty and love - only briefly - because they are things I don 't feel fully equipped to address . How can anyone wax wise on ideas of lifelong and commitment and trust ? Suddenly , I am done . I smile again , she is crying , and we hug . I hug Joe , too , and sit down quickly . I feel embarrassed , surprised , that I have just given my first maid - of - honor speech , and I 'm not even sure how it went . I knew in the back of my mind that one day , I would be a maid - of - honor . I thought that perhaps I would have to give a speech , tell a story , celebrate two lives becoming one . I knew all of this , and yet I was surprised . We sit in a restaurant , and the waitress gives us free watermelon sangrias . Someone 's mistake has become our blessing . Susie looks at me and says , " A good omen ! " , and we toast to the beginning of our new lives in a city busier than my little hometown of 26 years . Who knows what lies ahead ? So we toast and smile and hope . We pose for a picture - two high school friends who accidentally followed each other into adulthood . The caption ? " 2015 - 2016 … bring it ! " Even as we 're smiling , I am aware that much lies ahead . Every year is unknown . Bad things happen . Students cry . I get frustrated with myself for everything that I lack , and as I 'm smiling for this photo in late August , a little bit of fear creeps in and settles in my stomach . It 's December in two days . We want to get a Christmas tree , but we 're not sure how to get it home . The convertible is not conducive to carrying trees , so we 're pretty sure we 'll be trekking it two miles . I can picture cars whizzing past us , shaking their heads with pity at those poor girls in L . L . Bean boots dragging a tree halfway across the city . Worse things have happened . I climb the winding stairs to the third floor apartment , open the door , see the perfect place for a tiny tree in the living room . I drink tea and hang Christmas lights around the windows in my room . I am at the same time content and longing , happy with a tinge of sadness . I burn a cedar candle because we haven 't gotten the tree yet and I want that fresh smell . I wonder what to get my mother for Christmas , and I think about last Christmas and how much I stressed over a gift that didn 't end up mattering . I think of two books that sit on a shelf - haphazardly , I 'm sure , or perhaps on the floor - and I wonder how many things will end up differently than I expect a year from now . Sometimes you are maid - of - honor at a childhood friend 's wedding . Sometimes you stop talking to someone you love . Sometimes , you sit across from a man and give him a chance . 2 Replies Diana walks slowly across the grass , her hand brushing the porch post as she passes . She settles herself into the Adirondack chair and places the bowl of yogurt and granola in her lap . My friend looks six months pregnant , but no , she assures me , she 's due in January . I look at her belly again . Really ? Five more months ? The thought crosses my mind - twins - but I don 't say anything . What do I know about pregnancy ? We became friends studying music in college , she a mezzo - soprano and I a soprano . I remember meeting her in Music Theory I and how her bubble bangs curled over her wire - rimmed glasses . Neither of us was quite ready for college , but we entered the practice rooms with conviction : we would learn how to sing if it killed us . It 's only since graduation that we 've become close , writing letters back and forth . I enjoy the way letters force me to slow down , take note . It was one of these letters on pale green paper that told me Diana was expecting and asked me to visit before fall came . It 's my first visit to Deer Isle in the summer , and it isn 't hard to see why Diana came home . Eating breakfast in front of the ocean , I see two small islands covered in pine trees across the way , a working lobster pound to my left . In the field is an American flag flapping , and beneath it , we sit in two yellow Adirondack chairs . Kiska , their American Eskimo puppy , dashes across the grass flashing her long white fur . She gets too excited , barking and jumping despite Diana 's admonitions . It 's my last hurrah of the summer . I go back to teaching in a week , and I drove the nearly five hours to Deer Isle with the hopes of rest and sunshine . I didn 't know till I got there that they actually live on Sunshine , a small section of Deer Isle proper . I 've come for rest and sunshine and Diana 's voice recital . Four years ago we gave our respective senior recitals , and now , on a Sunday afternoon in August , Diana stands in front of a small group of people with her four - month - belly and a black floor - length dress . She 's shed the wire - rimmed glasses and grown out the bubble - bangs . I know the work it takes to learn this music and the nervousness Diana must have felt this morning . I know that a tiny part of her just wants this all to be over . She takes a deep breath . Her belly moves out as she inhales and then , as she begins the first notes of Ned Rorem 's " Absalom , " her belly tightens beneath her skirt . I am aware of every movement , of the muscle strength it takes to breathe and support . Her voice fills the white room , and immediately I see how much she has grown . Not just her voice , not just her musicality . Her face . Her body . Her ease . Diana wasn 't the only stiff performer in college ; we all moved with inhibition and a fear of risk . We struggled with too much pride and easily wounded egos . I remember how hard it was to change my focal point , just to lift my eyes from the exit sign at the back of the room up to the right where the sunshine was supposed to be . But here she is , this beautifully strong musician who moves with grace . The piece isn 't happy : her mezzo - soprano voice bemoans Absalom 's betrayal of his father , King David . For a moment , I am David weeping in the high chamber : my child and my betrayer . Diana ends the final note with an emphatic sadness . She is David for a second longer . Then she is Diana again , snapped back to the small hot room with her belly that may or may not contain twins . She sings through the program , taking on each character and making me forget I 'm just an audience member sitting in a hard pew . We clap her back onstage and her encore - " Summertime " - is a show - stopper . Later , the audience lines up to greet her . Too many people comment on the size of her belly , the possibility of twins . She laughs and says something like , " Yes , I 'm getting a little scared , " but she doesn 't seem scared , with her dark hair perfectly smoothed back and her diamond necklace and earrings . She doesn 't seem scared of this baby or spending her entire life on an island of three thousand people . She looks at her lobsterman husband with a gentle kindness . There 's a power in her , a new ease . Maybe a good word for this new Diana is calm ; she moves slowly but with thoughtfulness I envy . I read once that " rushing is the sign of an amateur , " and I know this is me , always frantic to do that next thing , accomplish that goal , fill that hole in me or my life . I feel this no more strongly than right now , in this place of steadiness and home - grown families . I wonder what it takes to grow from rushing to rest , and why it takes some longer than others to settle into rhythms . On my drive home to Massachusetts , I think about my next visit to the island . There will probably be a baby - maybe two - and our conversations will not be about pregnancy but sleeping habits and resemblance and how to teach voice lessons with an infant . I will probably knit a tiny sweater that will only fit Diana 's child for a few months , and she 'll marvel because she can never believe I find time to do things like that . She doesn 't understand that picking out blue and white yarn for a sweater with whales on it is how I participate in the changes . I might not be in the same place she finds herself , but I can sit on my couch in the fall and knit something that will keep her baby warm . I like to think I 'll be learning the habit of contentment as I slip stitches from one needle to the next . I toyed with sending it now , but my curiosity got the better of me . I tore it open , read the words I 'd meant for a friend . A time capsule , this letter that was never meant for my June - self , contained not only comfort , but truth . This was part of my Lenten devotional - good ol ' Henri Nouwen ! - and it struck me for a few reasons . The biggest one , though , is that God 's words fill our mouths - God fills our mouths with his words . There is so much power in that but the number of times I do not feel God 's words coming out of my mouth would seem to disprove this fact . So in those moments when we are most afraid , most vulnerable , most ready to throw our hands up and despair , that is when the power of God 's Word ( God 's words ) can lift us out of ourselves . But hand - in - hand with this power is God 's protection . I think it was this combination of truths that brought this verse so deeply into my heart . Because as little as I feel God 's strength and power within me , I would say I feel his protection even less . Sometimes I feel I march through the gates of whatever " righteous " battle I 'm waging at the time , but despite God 's power , I am left unprotected , easily hurt , and most often very confused . Leave a reply It 's only a hiatus from home , and that 's okay . Living with an old college roommate is even better when you both have a job . There 's a lot of freedom in a paycheck ; you can buy as much whole bean coffee as you want , and inviting friends over for dinner goes a lot further than constantly eating out . This time we haven 't encountered any gigantic bugs , and there 's nothing like that first day in a foreign country . We sit laughing after dinner because we 're weird and things are funny , but maybe not that funny . We wonder if there can be such giggling with men ? When you 're married , do you laugh this much ? On Sunday , we walked in the second day of sunshine . We read a poem in the cemetery and openly told my brother later , just so he would make fun of us . German sounds good in a graveyard , and Rilke 's Elegies leave so much to discover , even if you read them over and over . This one leaves me sad with unnamed darkness . Last night , after work , I threw on jeans and a hoodie . I needed a book for class ( reading Avi for Adolescent Lit … ) , so I walked to the library . The sun was setting and there was baseball practice on the common . The boys were shouting but the fathers shouted louder . A little girl scootered right up to me ( scooter is a verb , right ? ) , and it was my landlord 's daughter . She wore a tank top in honor of the warmish weather , and she , her brother , and the neighbor girl were adorable in their desire to talk . I got my book at the library , walked around town , and down the street that goes over the stream . I threw a stick in the stream , wanted to see a muskrat but didn 't , and then I saw them - three children on various moving toys - barreling towards me . A post - dinner walk with the family and dog , and I loved that for a few moments we could talk reading , soccer , and school . In a few weeks , I 'll move back home . Spring will be well underway and we 'll put the seedlings in the ground . We 'll have dinner on the porch and play cribbage . I 'll be working towards summer and babysitting and ESL . The other day I walked through the halls of my school and realized how strange it is that I get to work with people I like . I know so many people who dread going to work - if not because of the job itself , because of their coworkers . The other Latin teacher sang in College Choir with me , the 4th grade teacher is a partner - in - crime when it comes to people - watching , and I 've made a handful of other friends over the past two years . I love that I can walk by a classroom and want to stop in and chat - and not worry that the teacher I 'm talking with wants to kick me out ( other than Mr . White … ) . This past weekend , we had a birthday party . It was warm and beautiful Saturday , but by 7 : 30 it was too chilly to drive with the top down . The girls and I showed up a little late , but it didn 't matter ; we dove into conversations about jobs , education , faith , parenting ( WHAT ? ! how does this keep coming up ? ! ) , and what - have - you . We ate reese 's cheesecake , brownies with fluff , blondies , and birthday cake . It was on this night that we learned three friends are headed to California for grad school in the fall , and we wept on each other 's shoulders and promised to make this the Best Summer Ever . Thank goodness the weekend was nice enough for me to clean out the chicken house and move those pesky birds from my bedroom . It took over an hour to clean out what was a terribly long hard winter , but when it was done I stood victorious ( if a little dirty ) . Dad and I built a little space for the eight chickies because there 's no way the hens would 've adopted them without pecking their brains out ( literally ) . So now when I go out , the red glow from the heat lamp greets me . My room needed a little TLC once they were gone , but now it 's back to normal . It 's nice not to have guests . I have loved this man for years . His voice , his guitar , his aching heart . This new song is upbeat and lovely for summer . I told one of my students she was featured in Ray LaMontagne 's new song , and she freaked . Looks like I 'm not the only one who loves him . The most beautiful sculpture that my blurry pictures don 't do justice to . My first thought was Adam and Eve , before and after the Fall . I wasn 't far off , together and not together , to know each other but still not fully know another person . I met a good friend from high school , and she took me to Wilde Bar and Restaurant . That 's right , Oscar Wilde , complete with quotes . I saw her condo and she showed me the bus system and I navigated it just fine , thank you very much . What did we talk about ? Silly things , mostly , and that 's exactly what I needed . Moments of teasing and joking and forgetting the schedule of everything . Our senior year , as our friendship was forming , I remember wanting desperately to have her gift . Her sensitivity to acknowledging the small , her ability to work within structure . I thought she knew what she was doing then , but now ? [ I bought two copies of a friend 's book of poetry last week , and they arrived in the standard yellow mailing envelope . Two , thin chapbooks . A Bow from My Shadow , it 's called , and my pride over knowing such gifted and hardworking poets makes me give that extra copy away , a gift and an acknowledgement of artistry . ] For two years after college , I wrestled with what to do next . I wanted so badly to get my MFA , to write and stay in the world of creativity and critique . Part of me still wants this - still longs for a group of people who will force me to put thoughts on paper and shape those thoughts into something remarkable . [ I go to my writers ' group every other Thursday . I read to them these things I 'm hoping are poems , and I eat up their praise and critiques alike . Better writing is happening because of these thoughtful , diligent friends . ] [ The same friend whose book I just bought said to me : " I write best when it 's not all I do . " And I knew this was true of me , too . I didn 't do my best writing in college , when it was forced from me . Sure , the revising and peer editing helped , but now ? I am inspired by so much . When I doubt , this is what I cling to . ] And so , on this gray February Sunday , I watch as my friends blossom into themselves . I read their words with quiet joy and a pen . I write that poem that 's been bouncing around , and I begin the research for my Classroom Management class , because my path is shaped differently than I ever dreamed . 2 Replies Working at the loose leaf tea shop my first year out of college was such a beautiful time of my life . It was a difficult time ( because who likes floundering and admitting that you aren 't sure where life is headed ? ) , but I look back on those days of Earl Grey and Mao Feng and Russian Caravan with a sweetness . We sampled tea , we mixed tea , we talked to interesting people , and we had some of the best discussions . You know how there are certain things people say that burn into your brain ? I have one of those friends who consistently says sentences that stick with me . It 's a friendship I treasure , but there is also a little carefulness to it because hearing truth isn 't always the easiest thing . It went along with a conversation about how you can 't always have 100 % pure motives but that waiting until you do is paralyzing . Living out of fear is paralyzing . Being a coward is paralyzing . I thought cowards said " no . " I thought that it was the brave who grasped life by the horns and ran , who said an exuberant Yes ! to all that came their way . And so I say yes because I want to be brave . I don 't want to turn my back on possibilities , and I open my hands . Recently , I 've been toying with the idea that perhaps " yes " is not always the answer , or at least that maybe it is sometimes the answer born of fear . In more than one instance , I have said yes because I was afraid of reaction . I was afraid of seeming weak . I was afraid of hurting someone . In 2014 , I have said a few " nos " that were hard . I dropped a grad school class because I knew in the pit of me that two at once was too much on top of teaching . I never drop classes . Not once in college . It was humbling for me to say , You know what , I don 't think I 'm gonna do this . I was telling a student the other day ( she was asking me for advice on a program to study in college and music and what to do ) that I am not the person to go to if you want to be talked out of something . If you want to be encouraged and fired up and emboldened , I 'm your girl ! But you want to be told to let go and drop it ? Find somebody else . Leave a reply There are things you think about when you 're sick in your bed . You think about being weak and whiney . You think about how wonderful flannel sheets are and that maybe you 'll buy yourself a new set with a pretty floral pattern . ( I once had someone disdainfully describe a man : " Well , he wears flannel . " My first thought was , Yes . ) You wonder how long is too long for Christmas lights to be up and you want more coffee but you keep putting it off because you 're too lazy to go downstairs . This past month and a half has been crammed full with strange . I meet up with friends , and I realize I have story after story of bizarre occurrences , moments of I can 't believe this is happening and So I walked into this strange guy 's apartment because what do you do at night when your car breaks down and your cell phone is broken ? ( More on that one later , maybe ) . You can 't go too long without a good talk . You can 't expect to not see someone for months and have everything line up perfectly in conversation . We sat in our favorite local pub and our stories criss - crossed and overlapped and we found we had way too much to tell each other . Now , on January 15th , the good thing is not that I am sick , really , but that I am allowed to be sick . I can light a candle and think about good conversations and wonder what 2014 holds . I can worry and plan my next steps in education , or I can watch Sherlock ( IT IS COMING ON JANUARY 19TH ) . I can read a book of poetry or Percy Jackson or nothing at all . Hello ! My name is Catherine . I 'm so glad you 're here ! This is a place I hope will start conversation - about life , art , faith , and the outdoors . A lot of my posts will be about the beauty of the everyday while I live in this place I call the in - between . Thanks for joining me !
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Welcome friends . . . thanks for coming by . We 're seeking beauty in all of creation . . . in our faith and our families ; our art and our music ; our crafts and kitchens , and even in our own backyard . We 'll share a poem or a recipe , a picture or a memory ; maybe a dream of how we wish our life could be . And though we acknowledge that the world can be harsh , we 're keeping it pleasant in our little corner ; endeavoring to keep the words from the Book of all Books : . . . Whatsoever things are lovely ; think on these things . I so enjoy hearing from you . . . so leave me a comment ; it 'll make my day ! Photo : Bee and thistle : Taken high in the Cascade Mountains where there is a bee buzzing on every thistle . by Debora Rorvig It 's been so rainy in these parts - it 's been hard to get the garden in . When I was a child , we would have certainly had the garden planted two weeks before now . Since the growing season here in Washington only runs from about May until mid - to - end of September ( if we get an Indian summer ) , I 've been fretting about delaying my planting until now . Because of this I decided to ' cheat ' and buy some starts . I ran down to Ace Hardware and bought some Blue Lake Pole beans and some Early Girl corn . Dad would be shaking his head right about now . And though he passed on some 40 years ago , I find myself deep in discussion with him about the garden . " Starts ! Early Girl corn ! You know we always plant from seed . We used to buy seed - you and me , for 25 cents a pack . You paid $ 1 . 49 for 8 starts . And you should have bought Golden Jubilee corn . " " I know Dad , but we 're 2 weeks behind already ; and it 's 2011 , not 1965 . Things cost alot more these days . And my garden is so tiny compared to ours . I only needed a few starts . But look Dad , I got the Blue Lake beans . . . and they 're pole beans , not bush ; just like we always planted . " I sense his pleasure with this choice and run home to plant the beans . I learned to plant a garden from my Dad . We had an older cottage on an acre of ground that Mom used to call ' Ray 's Little Acre . ' Shortly after we moved there he was diagnosed with emphysema . Probably from all of the sawdust he breathed in as a millwright - that and those Winston cigarettes . He was pretty short of breath most of the time , but this never stopped him from planting an expansive garden out back behind the house . I helped . That was our job ; Dad 's and mine . First , old man Geiger from down the road would drive over with his Farmall tractor . It didn 't take many passes until the soil was rich , espresso - brown furrows . Then we 'd rake it for hours , tossing all the rocks into the field beyond . No matter how deep you dug , there were always more rocks . Why is that , I wonder ? After this , we 'd cover it with cow manure . Not too fresh mind you , or the plants would burn . Cow manure wasn 't hard to come by in our parts . If you 're a city dweller , you might think that it would stink . But it didn 't . . . really ! It had a pleasant sort of musky odor , not unlike the smell of a horse - and nothing smells better than a horse ! Then came the fun . Planting . I 'd put a ball of twine around a stick . Then with Dad at one end and me at the other , we 'd lay nice straight rows to plant by . Using the twine as a guide , he 'd make furrows in the soil with the corner of his hoe - blade . If we were planting things like radishes or carrots , we made shallower furrows using the handle of the hoe . And did I mention that hoe ! What a beauty ! I 've never seen one since . The handle was painted with green , red , orange , and yellow stripes . Each stripe was a certain length , so that you could easily measure the distance between your hills of beans or corn or spuds . Oh how I 'd love to have that old hoe today ! My rows of beans today weren 't nearly as straight as Dads . I didn 't use twine ; and I guessed on the distance between . I stop to talk to him about it . " These rows are a little wobbly , I know Dad . You always made the nicest rows . Even made me redo mine when they were crooked . Guess it 's good you 're not here to make me do this over . Just the same , I wish you were . And I wish I had that old hoe of yours . . . my spacing would be better . I 'll never forget watching you trudging down the garden rows with that hoe in your hand ; smashing a clod of dirt with the blade . . . pulling up a bunch of quack - grass . . . and leaning on it to catch your breath . No , I dunno where I 'm gonna get poles for the beans . I remember you used to make them by splitting 2x4 's . I don 't have any 2x4 's Dad , and I wouldn 't want Kelly to split them if I did . He might get hurt . Laugh if you want , but admit it , you were pretty handy with an axe , that 's for sure . But Kel , well , he 's pretty handy with a car . He 's no sissy - pants ! " Again I sense Dad 's approval - - that I didn 't marry a ' sissy - pants ' . That 's what he called men who didn 't work with their hands . That was also his special name for my older sister Linda . It was OK for her to be a sissy - pants , because she was a girl . " I would never marry a sissy - pants , Dad . I think you 'd like Kelly . He 's funny . My boys ? No they aren 't sissy - pants either . I taught them to do lots of stuff . You 'd like them too . Sam looks alot like you . Tall , dark , very quiet . Like you Dad . " With my little bit of planting done , I slowly straighten up , using my hoe to steady me . I 'm a little bit sore , but thank God , I 'm not short of breath like Dad used to be . Nonetheless , I lean on the hoe for a moment to survey my little garden plot . " I might get enough beans to can this year , Dad . Yes , I know I need a pressure canner . I 'll have to buy a new one . The kids wrecked the old one some years back . They took it down to the creek and tried to mix clay in it . Gummed up the pressure valve . Yep , there were fish in the creek . Squalicum creek . Sam used to catch trout all summer long in that little creek . Didn 't I tell you so Dad . . . he 's a lot like you ! Yes I 'll talk to Mom before I can those beans . Well , I guess I 'd better clean up now . . . Bye Dad . Love You . Hokey Pokie Billie Okie - Tomcat ! " Lilacs remind me of Grandma 's house . She lived in a pretty cottage - style house near a lake . I loved that house . Grandma was a meticulous housekeeper . Even mom said so ; and mom didn 't like her mother - in - law very much . She told me that she used to go into Grandma 's pantry and run her fingers along the creamy - painted open shelves that housed her glassware - - looking for dust . She never found any . Not once ! In spite of Mom 's feud with Grandma , I liked going there . Every room had it 's own loveliness and special scent . The turquoise kitchen had a little chrome dinette set that sat under a window lined with African Violets of every hue . The kitchen smelled of roasted beef and cinnamon - apple pies and just baked sugar cookies . Her bathroom was sparkly white with a clawfoot tub and pedestal sink . Sometimes I 'd go in there even when I didn 't need to use the bathroom ; just to wash my hands with her fancy Yardley soaps and sniff Grandpa Charlie 's Old Spice after shave . And occasionally , if I felt really brave , I 'd give her pretty cologne atomizers a little squeeze - in spite of mother 's stern warnings to keep out of Grandma 's perfume . She kept a little tin of lilac talcum powder on the windowsill . I always marvelled at how it smelled just like the real flowers - - and so did Grandma . Back in those days , Grandmas always wore dresses . Her 's were silky florals , always in dreamy lavenders , pinks and blues . I thought that she must wear those colors to match her clear blue eyes . I really hope that my own grandchildren will have such pleasant memories of their visits to my house . No , I 'll never be half the housekeeper or cook that my grandma was ; but I do try to make my place tidy and neat . And I purposely leave a few pretty things around for them to secretly inspect . I listen to their parents scold them and tell them not to touch Grandma 's pretty things . . . and I smile to myself . Of course I want them to touch my pretty things , to smell them and to enjoy them . But I keep this to myself . I 'll just let them sneak a whiff of my perfume , or a dPosted by She 's a little slip of a thing with long , straight red hair and freckles that cover her tiny face . Her eyes are large and round as saucers ; almost too large for her face . But my how those eyes sparkle when she smiles - and she always smiles . I sometimes suspect that she has invisible wings , and is really a little fairy or elf from a magical forest . But today my little sprite - friend was crying . Huge teardrops were rolling down her freckled face . She showed me the injured finger , but there wasn 't much to see . . . it was covered with a bandaid . " When did you get this bandaid ? " ( I asked this because often our poorer students ' families can 't afford bandaids . They try to keep them on as long as possible , and I 've seen some putrid sores hidden under dirty old bandages . ) I examined the finger closely and noticed that the bandaid was on way too tight . Her little finger was white and puffy from the pressure . I 'm sure her finger was throbbing in pain . Whoever had bandaged it must have been in a hurry . I could sympathize with her situation . Just this week I 'd had a minor procedure done in the doctor 's office . It didn 't work as well as they hoped , so they decided to refer me to a surgeon . But the surgeon isn 't available for 2 weeks . When I called to ask the nurse if it was OK to postpone taking care of the problem for two weeks , she hurriedly said , " Yeah , as long as it doesn 't get unbearably painful or start bleeding profusely . " Not terribly encouraging . So I called my insurance 's on - line nurse for some reassurance . ( This feature of my insurance plan has been a God - send . ) She told me just what to do and how to get along until the surgery . It 's going to be fine . . . I just needed someone to tell me that . That 's what Breanne needed . Some assurance . So despite the fact that at that moment I really needed to be somewhere else ; I took her to the school sick room and removed the bandaid . Whoa ! Now I could see why it hurt ! Her little ' fake ' fingernail had bent back and broken right in the middle of the nail , causing the real nail to crack also . But the fake nail wouldn 't come off . So we ran cold water over it for awhile and daubed it dry . Then I loosely appled a new bandaid . A little smile was returning to her face . In the meantime ; the person who 'd put the first bandage on her came in . " I TOLD YOU that those fake nails are NO GOOD ! " she lectured , then walked out in a hurried huff . The smile faded . So I told her a silly joke and gave her a hug . The smile returned . Like the sun coming out from behind the clouds . Now I 'm not bragging or trying to compare myself to the other ' bandaging lady ' . I get hurried and huffy too . But today I remembered to slow down ; and to stop and think about how someone else might be feeling . And I thought I 'd tell you this little story to remind you . There are lots of important things competing for your attention . Most of them aren 't really that important in the grand scheme of things . Don 't let the clock or your day planner become your dictator . Let your heart dictate your actions . That 's what I did today . I put a bandaid on a little girl 's finger . I did some other stuff too ; grown up , important stuff . But that best thing I did today was to get Breanne 's smile back . " And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones . . . will certainly not lose his reward . " Matthew 10 : 22 I am a big - picture person . I get really excited about big ideas . Minutiae drives me crazy . Lock me up in a room with a micro - manager and somebody 's liable to get hurt . Sooo , this bathroom remodel has been a bit of a challenge for me . I knew I wanted it to be a relaxing , spa - like , sort of modern - ish space ; and I think we 've pretty much achieved that look ; in spite of a few details that nearly put me over the edge . * If you are using more than one type of tile as I did ; pick your grout color when you pick the tile . I did not . It turns out that the tile on my floor and bathtub surround has subtle shades of greenish gray to it . I knew that . I love green - that 's why I picked it . BUT my glass tile , though it has some greenish gray in it , has a lot more slatey gray with blue in it . So - when I looked at the 50 or so possible colors of grout , I soon realized that there was really only 1 color , and I mean ONE color that would contrast nicely with both of my tiles - - pewter . I had to go back to the tile store and get a designer to help me with this decision . Which leads me to the next piece of advice . . . * When you buy your tile , consult the designer first . Walk right past the salesman and ask to see the designer . Because the salesman is good at sales . He loves sales . He doesn 't care what you buy as long as he makes a sale . But the designer loves design . She doesn 't care what you buy , so long as it looks great . * Measure , measure , measure . Now I do know enough to measure stuff , really I do ! I even memorized the measurements of my new vanity . What I did not think about , was the fact that my new Quiozel lights hang much lower than my old dressing room style lights . ( That ugly chrome strip with four big bulbs sticking out from it . ) So the mirror I bought for my vanity was too big for the space . We are probably going to have to have one custom made . No big deal , I just wish I 'd have thought about that first . That said , I LOVE MY NEW BATHROOM ! Here are some of the details I did good on : That deep tub . It 's from Kohler 's Sterling series . It 's about 18 inches deep with a nice sloping back . When we shopped for tubs I swallowed my pride and crawled into them to try them out for size . We bought this one at Lowes , and it was up on the second shelf . So I climbed up on the boxes below to get into it . I 'm sure I looked silly . It was worth it . The accent glass tile . It was expensive , but it 's one of my favorite features . It makes me feel like I am sitting on the beach at Semiahmoo or Chuckanut Bay . That 's because the colors are all the colors you find on our local rocky , driftwood strewn beaches . Very Northwestern . It 's called Cascade and is by Crystal Glass . The floor tile is by Florida Tiles and is in the Tuscana collection . The color is Verde . My granite vanity top . I decided not to cut corners on the vanity top . I took my tiles and wood color with me when I picked it out . It has every color of both of my tiles in it - - and again , it is feels very Northwestern . We ordered it from Lowes . I can 't remember the brand , but it 's called Canyon . Those beautiful light fixtures are by Quoizel . My camera doesn 't do justice to them . They cast the softest white light I have ever seen . I found them at Village Lighting , a local lighting store . The brushed nickel faucets are Windermere by Delta . I think they are a discontinued line . I love the simple lines . The toilet is by Kohler , called Bold Power . It flushes quietly and it sits higher than some . This is important as you get older . If a toilet is too short , it 's harder to get up and down on them . We 're not that old yet , but we do intend to be here for awhile . ( But I do now qualify for senior discounts at restaurants ! ) My shower curtain is a swanky waffle weave and does not require curtain rings . The top half of it is a sheer white fabric which allows light in . The bottom half ( inside ) has a detachable fabric shower curtain liner ( which attaches with buttons ) and the outside is the waffle weave fabric . I absolutely require fabric curtain liners . Don 't want to breath in all of those plastic resin fumes every morning . Our contractor , Dean Harvey is a genius . Probably the most important choice of all . Dean removed walls , re - did plumbing , redirected heat ducting , does extradordinary tile work , and did a meticulous job . AND he didn 't even mind being accosted every morning by Koda , our yellow lab ; who was so happy to see him that she jumped all over him and demanded belly rubs ! ( I did take Koda to doggy day - care every day when I left for work - just to preserve Dean 's sanity . ) Whats left ? I still need mirrors over the pedestal sink and vanity , some over - the - door brushed nickel hooks for towels ( I don 't have space for towel bars ) , some kind of window treatment , and a small stand that will house a few folded towels topped by a fern for that outdoorsy feeling I love . I 'm also searching for just the right piece of artwork to go over the toilet . Something with those rugged , green elements we love so much here in Washington . Maybe a forest scene ; or a rocky beach . . . we 'll see . When I get those final pieces added , I 'll post some pictures that show the finished product - and the ' before pics ' . But right now , I think it 's time for a soak in that tub with some bubblebath and chamomile tea ! Lots of good things are happening around here . We just celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary , followed by a really nice Mother 's Day . The remodel is in full swing and I found a recipe with just two ingredients that only takes a couple of minutes to mix up ! The Remodel The bathrooms half - done and partly functional . We only have one bathroom , plus a toilet and sink in our laundry room ; so taking out the tub meant that we had to take what mom used to call ' spit baths ' . That gets old . So Dean , our contractor , took pity on us and was nice enough to install the new tub right away so that we could at least take a bath . The past few mornings we 've been tippy - toeing across the cardboard that covers the new tile ( which will be grouted after the walls are finished and painted ) and soaking in our roomy new tub while viewing exposed plumbing and walls . I decided to think it rather avant - garde ; like those swanky city lofts with the pipes running across the ceiling . . . well almost like that . . . in my imagination anyway ! So as it stands today , the tub is in , the tile is laid , and the walls were texturized this afternoon . Tomorrow we paint , and after that - the grouting . Then the vanity , lights , and fixtures will go in . Hope to be done by Sunday . ' Avant - guarde ' ? ? ? The big tub isn 't shown , it 's just to the right . More pictures are forthcoming . My biological kids all live out of town , but they don 't forget me on Mother 's Day . Some pretty tulips arrived from son , John and family . Sam and Heather and their families each sent me beautiful , sentimental e - cards . Don 't you love those e - cards ? I have an account with Jacquie Lawson ( a talented British artist ) that allows me to send all the e - cards I want for one whole year . With a passel of grandchildren this is a life - saver . That year - long deal allows me to send cards on those less - important holiday that I normally don 't acknowledge . The link to her site is www . jacquielawson . com . But can you guess what made me that happiest on Mother 's Day ? It wasn 't the flowers or cards , or the yummy brunch that Kelly took me to . It is seeing that my grown children have grown up to become even better people than I dreamed . That 's the real reward of motherhood - having great children . So hang in there , all of you young mothers . Keep loving them , making them behave , and praying for them . Your reward is coming - trust me . The Recipe And finally , I came across the easiest recipe ever last week . Thought I 'd share it with you . It 's for seasoned creamed cheese spread . I served it on fancy little sandwiches with thinly sliced cucumber at the Royal Wedding Brunch I attended . But oh , my goodness . . . this stuff is fantastic on toasted bagels . It takes all of my self control not to eat one ( or two ) of these for breakfast every morning . Directions : Stir the creamed cheese to soften a bit . Dump a little of the dressing mix in it and stir . Taste . If it 's great , stop . If it 's not , add more dressing mix . Repeat the process until you are happy with the results . Serve on bread , bagels , crackers , or as a veggie or chip dip . Don 't blame me if you eat more than you should . . . you were warned ! Isaiah 58 : 12 says " And they that be of thee shall build the old waste places : thou shalt raise up the foundations of many generations ; and thou shalt be called , the repairer of the breach ; the restorer of paths to dwell in . This is a precious passage to me . I 've made a pencil - drawing of my family tree which I keep carefully folded inside my Bible . Every now and then I take it out and place my hands over each name and pray for God 's blessings upon them . . . from the oldest to the youngest . And I ask that God will strengthen my family tree and bloodlines with his grace and goodness . . . and that he will banish evil from it . I want those old waste places and breaches restored or in modern day language - the dysfunction healed . Angeles Arrien , a transcultural anthropologist raised in the Basque traditions of the original mountain people of Spain , teaches that our ancestors hover over the cradle of each new baby born into their lineage and ask . . . ' Will this be the child to heal the line ? Will this be the one to change our story ? ' As a grandmother , I feel responsible to write as a legacy for my family ; to say things that will connect past to present ; and give those headed into the future the foundation of knowing who they are by telling them where they have come from . But an idea proposed in ' Storycatchers ' really startled me . . . the idea that one might actually be able to heal the family line with her stories by recording not only the admirable things we know about our family ; but to expose the pitfalls , those dark shadowy clouds that seem to hang over consecutive generations . . . cursed things like alcoholism , teen pregnacy , depression , poverty . . . and the like . I wonder . . . Could you and I really banish the monsters that have hidden in our closets for generations by exposing them ? And if so , how can we tactfully yet courageously open those doors that so many family members would prefer that we keep shut ? Remembering all of you ' Mommy Bunnies ' out there who are working hard to keep your ' Peter Rabbits ' out of Farmer McGregor 's garden . Its a wonderful , worrisome job . Posted by They met . They talked , they laughed , they fell in love . Their journey together began . . . 23 years ago on this very day . They 're still talking and laughing . They 're still in love . Still travelling together through this life . The poverty rate among the students in my school is extremely high . It 's one reason that I work there . I want to make a difference in a child 's life . And I 'm trying . Since Easter , there have been nine children that I know of who have become homeless . And I don 't know about all of them . Homelessness is a difficult issue . Politicians talk about statistics and federal money - to help or not to help , that is the question . Sociologists discuss the impact of drug and alcohol abuse on families and their ability to provide shelter for themselves . Churches tell us to feed the hungry and shelter the homeless while most of their monies are spent on the next building campaign . Here 's what I can tell you about homelessness . Little " Alandra " , a pretty 6 - year - old kindergartener with soft brown eyes and a quiet smile often comes to school with most of her clothes in her backpack because she has nowhere else to keep them . The beautiful brown ringlets in her hair are matted because she doesn 't always have a place to shower . She is bright and wants so much to learn , but I often see her with her head in her arms on her desk ; trying to get some rest . I wonder where she slept last night . . . or if she got to sleep at all . I turn my head , wipe tears from my eyes and tell myself , " Debbie , you can only do what you can do . " I give her extra hugs and lots of support with her math and language . I say lots of prayers . And it feels like the tears that I 've restrained from falling from my eyes are backing up into my heart ; and it is becoming very heavy . For me , homelessness has tousled curly hair and an angelic 6 year old face that is buried in her arms and fast asleep at her little kindergarten desk . That 's what I can tell you about homelessness . With our bathroom remodel in full swing , mandatory state proficiency testing at school , a community meal with the Lummi 's , our local Native American tribe , and life in general ; time to write is precious this week . So rather than write something of my own , I will share an extraoradinary excerpt from a book I am reading . In Storycatchers , by Christina Baldwin , there is a description of how an African tribe deals with a tribal member 's wrongdoing : I have read the story of a tribe in southern Africa called the Babemba in which a person doing something wrong , something that destroys this delicate social net , brings all work in the village to a halt . The people gather around the " offender , " and one by one they begin to recite everything he has done right in his life : every good deed , thoughtful behaviour , act of social responsibility . These things have to be true about the person , and spoken honestly , but the time - honored consequence of misbehaviour is to appreciate that person back into the better part of himself . Ther person is given the chance to remember who he is and why he is important to the life of the village . The author goes on to say , " I want to live under such a practice of compassion . When I forget my place , when I lash out with some private wounding in a public way , I want to be remembered back into alignment with my self and my purpose . I want to live with the opportunity for reconciliation . . . " I work hard on my text and photos . Please contact me before republishing my work , and add a link back to my sight . It 's just good manners . I am a mother and grandmother , a wife , a friend , and a believer . My greatest treasures are not things for which I have worked to earn , no . . . they are the love of family and friends , and most of all , of Christ . These undeserved treasures grace my home and life continually . " Love is ever changing . It goes from high romance to loyalty and devotion , and every emotion in between depending on what 's happening at the moment . I th . . . The street is still . My head aches , just a little . My the skin on the back of my legs sweats against the plastic chair , but it 's cooler here in the shade t . . . In my recent travels I passed a fox lying dead by the roadside and felt compelled to turn back . For a time , I considered keeping him as he was perfect . I . . . * Finally , I can write here again . It has been a slightly miserable session around here . I hate to give in to the monster ravishing my insides and fight to . . . This meme was started by Delores a long time ago . Computer issues led her to bow out for a while . The meme was too much fun to let go , and now Words . . . [ Hi , y ' all . With Father 's Day coming up this Sunday , I thought I 'd be a lazy slug share a favorite old post with you about . . . what else ? Fathers . When I us . . . * I was asked by vegas . com to offer some tips for staying healthy while traveling and having fun in * * Vegas . * Hey ! Yogis like to have fun too ! There are lin . . . It is fresh local grown strawberry season here . I got this recipe a few years ago from my friend Susi and we have enjoyed it ever since ! Try putting it o . . . . . . or more like panic time . I can 't believe I lost my blog , for over a week it went missing . Was unable to sign in , couldn 't find it in any searches , a . . . " I 'll love you forever . I 'll love you for always . As long as I 'm living , my baby you 'll be . " The memory will be forever etched in my heart . I sang these wo . . . It 's time for Wednesday Hodgepodge and it 's the first Summer edition of 2017 ! 1 . The first day of summer rolls in later this week . What are ten things you ' . . . So you say you 're not a poet ? I 'm not talking rhyming poetry . Poems that have strong verbs and metaphor are not as difficult to write as you think . Give i . . . © Debora A . Rorvig and Whatsoever Things Are Lovely , 2005 - 2014 . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Debora A . Rorvig and Whatsoever Things Are Lovely with appropriate and specific direction to the original content .
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This isn 't such a big deal , I thought , parka clad and a whole week into my time in White Venice . The weather isn 't terrible if you dress for it . And it 's isolated , but there 's Internet and everything you need . There are people to talk to . I don 't get why this drives people crazy . About three weeks later , I understood why it drove them crazy . The same faces and the same routine , day after day and week after week . The tortured planning required to obtain basic necessities . The sheer distance from family , from friends , from anyone . The time and the space to get lost in your own head . And I 'd fallen into a funk . " Your birthday is soon , anyway , " he reasoned . " Robin and I can come up to Iceport and see you . We 'll pay for your flight and hotel . Do you want to do this ? " The weekend was what I needed on so many levels . First of all , it got me out of the snow - flecked bubble in which I 'd gradually been going insane , something my father picked up on in our conversations leading up to the meeting . " I don 't think you 're excited to see me , " he quipped . " I think you 're excited to see a 7 / 11 . " And there was definitely some truth in that . The hotel room he 'd paid for was gorgeous , a silk - and - satin affair perched twenty stories over downtown Iceport , with a sunlit window through which I could scan the entire city while reclining on a fluffy queen bed . I went and got my hair done . I wandered into coffee shops . I spent a gratuitous amount of money on sushi . And I , a social butterfly , soaked up every single moment of the human interaction . And of the running water . But it was also nice to see my father . Earlier readers of this site will know that he and I have had a complicated and painful relationship , some of the most difficult chapters of which were recorded on this page . For a long time , and with good reason , I chose not to speak to him . Moving 4 , 000 miles from home has a way of focusing your priorities , however , and one dark weekend on the tundra I had to ask myself : Is being right worth not having a father ? Is it worth carrying this weariness ? Is it worth getting a call one day , a decade or two from now , that the man who raised me had died ? In light of his remorse , and of his changed behavior , I decided that the answer to that question was no . That doesn 't mean things he did in the past are all right , or that a repeat of them would be acceptable . It means I 've chosen to forgive someone who asked for forgiveness , and to accept a flawed man without illusions as to his nature . Which nature , incidentally , he chose to reveal again during my birthday getaway . " Listen , we got married Wednesday , just so you 're not blindsided . " Dad and Robin met in January , decided soon after they were soulmates , and then embarked on a wildly accelerated relationship because " you know when you know . " I 've heard of such spontaneous marriages working out before , and I hope against hope this one does , too . Because now the thing is done . " I didn 't tell you because I knew you 'd say I should pull back and take it slow , " he informed me serenely over a dinner of seafood and Cabernet Sauvignon . He looked over at Robin , whom , I reflected with some degree of hilarity , was now technically my stepmother . " BB is like that . " " Well , Dad , that is what I would have told you , " I said . " But now that it 's happened , I 'm rooting for you 100 % . Because now you guys are tied in all sorts of legal ways . " And he has , as usual , managed to bag a woman who 's way , way above his pay grade . I love the man , but I seriously don 't get it . His previous wife , my adoptive mother , was a career woman who singlehandedly sustained a family of four children while he was wandering from one short - term job to another , and struggling with addiction half the time to boot ( though she compensated for that by being , well , a little bit psychotic ) . His girlfriend before Robin was a businesswoman with a pricey education and a pricier CV . And now he 's married an airline executive with a master 's degree , two accomplished adult children ( one of whom she put through college at considerable personal sacrifice ) , a job so demanding that my eyes practically watered just hearing her typical workday , and a disposition that , by most accounts , makes her genuinely sweet and considerate . This is a driven and prolific individual . Time will tell . For his sake , for hers , and for that of everyone involved , I hope they 're able to make it work . Sometimes a person really is good for another , and she seems like she might be good for him . Meanwhile , the rapidly closing school year has left me with a big decision to make about where I 'll be starting in the fall . Today , after careful consideration , I accepted a contract from a school district adjacent to the one I 'm in now . It was a bit of a dilemma , but the little village of Gory felt like a good fit , and it 's a decision I 'm satisfied with . Other decisions need making , too , as we have a little under two weeks of school left - - astonishing - - and I need to know where I 'm living when I return to the Lower 48 on or around May 19 . To that end , I 've dispatched Thomas to investigate an apartment that so perfectly fits my needs I suspect it may in fact be a crack den in disguise . That possibility discounted , I 'll be living alone in a spacious two - bedroom place with laundry , kitchen , furniture , and scenic view for a cool $ 1 , 000 a month . Every year I say it , but every year it 's true ; I can 't believe how quickly the time has gone since I began writing here on April 7 , 2008 . I was nineteen years old then , and a college sophomore . My brother Thomas was only twelve , my sister Pie only four . Eighteen - year - old Powell was still a senior in high school , and my parents were still married , still living in the same Mountain Town house to which they 'd moved two years earlier . George W . Bush was president . Everyone was getting excited about this hot new underground artist named Lady Gaga . The economy was slowing down , but the bottom had not yet dropped out . And I was a child . In looking back , one of the most bizarre things to me about this entire blogging enterprise is how serendipitous it was . A routine Google search on an unrelated topic brought me to Writing as Jo ( e ) , a remarkable storyteller whose warmth and compassion were exactly what I needed during a deeply hurtful period of my life . She encouraged me to commit my thoughts to digital paper . And I did . For the last nine years , this blog has been witness to the most consequential chapters of my life , to the joys and growing pains of a young person transitioning from boy to man in the context of substantial obstacles - - but also of amazing victories . I began this blog carrying so many demons , and nine years on I can look back at a long list of personal and professional accomplishments that have been enriched by the self - reflection and community this place offered . Who ever would have thought I 'd get a master 's degree , or move to the Far North , or teach history in a village of 400 people and get paid a damn good salary to do it ? Who would 've thought I 'd be an openly gay man who accepts himself and arranges dates in Iceport ? And a group of wonderful bloggers have been with me every step of the way . I 've always been so thankful for that Google search . For the first time since you 've known me , I am doing that thing I 've been talking about since we met : standing on my own two feet . Paying my own bills . Earning a steady paycheck , and in a field that gives me fulfillment . I still have problems , sure . But who doesn 't ? And being in a stable financial place means that the handling of those problems can proceed way more smoothly than happened when I was twenty and my whole future hung in the balance . I 've done a lot of heavy lifting these last nine years . Now , professionally at least , I can do some settling in . Knowing that feels so incredibly good . This was a month ago , and I was meandering around Iceport International Airport shortly after my arrival in Arctic State . The object of my pursuit was the Starbucks I knew to be hiding somewhere in the facility and which , as my departure time to Riverville crept ever closer , I knew I needed to find pronto . This would be my last iced caramel macchiato until the middle of May . " You know , there was this time , " she explained . " In about 2009 , when I convinced myself I didn 't need to keep such close tabs on Evil anymore . Not my most insightful moment . " She looked tired as always . The kind smile that came so easily to her face seemed to struggle against the weight of all she knew , all the same mistakes she saw repeated over and over again . Some of those , I realized with a start , were mine . I 'd been short sighted , self - absorbed , reckless . But also a child . I didn 't blame myself for those years , and knew she didn 't , either . " And I missed you , " she replied . " It was hard to just watch . But you were in so much pain then that your heart didn 't have much room for me . You couldn 't see the good in the world . " She had this marvelous way of expressing emotions with just her hazel eyes , which gleamed for a moment and then resumed their usual warmth . " So you couldn 't see me . " " I hope you 'll tell him I 'm sorry about that , " I said . " I wasn 't . . . you know . I wasn 't myself . " " I think he knows that , " she replied . " He 's not one to hold grudges . You see enough and you get some perspective on that . " " It doesn 't do to see too much of him , " she told me . " Some people are tied tightly to him , others barely bound to him at all . But no one should dwell on him more than they have to . His work isn 't conducive to living a day - to - day life . " " Because you realize it doesn 't work that way , " she responded , folding her newspaper and dropping it to the floor . " Because you 're here . Because you 've chosen to engage in the world and accept what it brings to you , even if that 's difficult . Because you 've realized that finding something worthwhile requires sacrifice and risk . Because you 've decided to get a little messy . All Good comes from that . " " When I was younger I made so many decisions based on fear , " I admitted . " For years . And then at some point I realized I was twenty - eight , and if I didn 't change it then one day I 'd have just that fear . And nothing else . Because it all keeps moving forward , whether you 're on track or not . " " You 're feeling a little bit of Time , " she said . " Pressing on your shoulder . Most people are immune to her in youth . But you 've passed from that , haven 't you ? " " She 's . . . disconcerting . Even for us . I tend to interact with her only when I have to . Like the last time you and I saw each other . " " Well , my chicken - noodle soup is amazing . Which makes sense , since I did invent chicken - noodle soup . Just saying . But beyond that , it keeps really well , and she 's always going on about how ' nothing lasts , nothing lasts . ' So reliable heat - ups are a big hit with her . " " You 're doing the right things , " she said as we stood and hugged one another . " Keep doing them . Even when it 's hard . Even when it 's scary . Especially then . " It 's easy to forget , in the bustle of the village and the occasional chaos of the classroom , just how isolated we are here in White Venice . Sure , there are only 400 people . But 400 people , clustered together , seen through the lens of work and social visits , can feel bigger than it is . Add in the endless stream of duties , coupled with a good WiFi connection , and the vastness of our removal doesn 't feel as immediate . But there 's one place I can never forget it . The laundry building behind the school is separate from everything else , a peaceful bubble of whirring washing machines and humming dryers to which I gladly retreat once a week with a book and a few bulging bags of clothes . From the balcony that abuts it , facing away from the village , the tundra extends in enormous nothingness to beyond the horizon . No houses . No snowmachines , No yapping dogs . No pretense . Just hundreds of miles of frozen white plain . Standing on that walkway is a like careening on the end of the world , abyss ahead and civilization behind . That 's when you feel the weight of living here . That 's when you get a sense of what it is . I learned a long time ago not to sugarcoat reality , because sooner or later a reckoning with the truth must occur , and delaying that reckoning has a way of making truth bigger and scarier than it was to start out . So here it is : three weeks in , I 'm lonely . Everyone I know is 4 , 000 miles away , I 'm seeing the same faces and doing the same things day in and day out , and the yearning for friends and conveniences to which I was accustomed pulses like a tiny ulcer . I knew that would likely happen , and I made the decision to come here fully aware of it . But still . I 'm the kind of lonely that makes you remember things as better than they were , that makes other loneliness stand out in sharper resolve . In missing what I did have , I find myself longing for what I 've never had ; how , I 've wondered , am I to meet a man ? That was something I could never do back home anyway , but now the absence of this hypothetical person is even more acute . And I have , too . So much , in prayer , in Bible reading , in life , seemed to all be pointing in the same direction , and then this opportunity opened up in so unplanned a way . It was hard not to see the hand of Providence in that , hard even for a priest of the Episcopal tradition , whose members tend to regard the color beige as a little too loud and to judge the veracity of holy visions based on whether those visions interrupt brunch . " You just have to have faith , " she told me . " You just have to be patient . That doesn 't mean you sit around and do nothing , or wait for Prince Charming to waltz into your life . But it means you do what you can do , and believe that God will let that moment happen when it 's supposed to . Patience can be hard . But I have no doubt that is going to happen for you . " " No , " she said , her voice firm . " The Bible says God gives us our heart 's desire . I don 't believe you 'd have these feelings unless you were supposed to . Unless you were supposed to meet someone . You just have to believe . You will be okay . " And in any case there 's no alternative . I do believe I was meant to come here , do believe that it is far and away the best professional option I have . So in the difficult moments , I endure , always with an eye to where the moments of joy can be gleaned from that endurance ; always with a mind to what the long - term plan is , even as I live in the present . God brought me here , and I have to trust He 'll lead me where He intends me to be . So that 's where I am . Planning and praying , trusting and withstanding , making room in my head for little pleasures and optimism about the future amid the tedium of daily lesson plans and strolls about this very tiny town . At this juncture , it seems likely I will begin the 2017 - 2018 school year in another district , one here in Arctic State but not in White Venice . And of the six weekends remaining in this semester I will spend two away , one in Riverville and one in Iceport . Decisions to be made . Excursions to be savored . Plans to be laid . Now also seems like a good time to mention that the names I use on this blog are not the actual designations of people and places in the real world . Back in 2008 , when I started this site , I borrowed the tradition from another blogger of using pseudonyms to protect mine and others ' anonymity . Nine years after the fact , the practice has stuck , so I leave it to you to divine the real places behind the made - up monikers . Arctic State and Iceport will probably be easy enough to decipher , but if you manage to ferret out where White Venice is then you deserve some kind of award . I very much appreciate the number of you who read and commented on the last post . I 'd been away from regular blogging for quite a while , and the warm welcome back was heartening indeed . I 'm looking forward to following your journeys as you follow mine . Up until the moment I got on the plane , it didn 't feel real . I 'd spent weeks packing , weeks saying goodbyes and transferring accounts and preparing for the journey , weeks telling people I was moving and then watching their mouths drop when they learned where . But somehow it was still an abstraction even that morning . And then I was airborne . And then I was here . Three weeks on , the fact of here is still vaguely surprising , but what 's more surprising is how quickly " here " has become the same as any other place ; just a place . Only this afternoon I caught myself remarking on " what a nice day " it was because the sun was out and the temperature had gotten all the way up to 13 degrees . Wherever you are you fall into a crowd and into a routine . And then very quickly abnormal becomes normal . That was not , of course , the way I saw things when in the early - morning hours of March 2 I arrived in Iceport , a surreal city perched on a frozen harbor and surrounded for hundreds of miles by wilderness . The nighttime flight out of Coffee City , on the West Coast , was four hours over unbroken darkness . In that black ocean , Iceport glowed like a constellation set in deep space . My two days in this metropolis , which is far and away Arctic State 's largest , were spent gathering critical winter - gear items and enjoying my last taste of urban amenities before I departed for a place with no such things . No Starbucks . No Dunkin Donuts . No fast food or streaming Netflix . No roads . Acclimating to a lot , by the way . It 's hard to explain how different it is here , if only because the differences are so many , both in kind and in quality . There are no grocery stores or pharmacies , which means residents make ample use of online retailers and the bush - delivery services in Riverville . Calling up a supermarket 100 miles away and asking them to deliver your loaf of bread by Cessna is completely normal here . They even have an 800 number for it . All of the food is frozen . All of the supplies are ordered in bulk . Creative solutions to culinary problems abound , and one 's capacity to be delighted by small things greatly expands ; within about a week , I had come to appreciate the palette - pleasing nuance of powdered milk and freeze - dried strawberries . All of this is to say nothing , of course , of the cultural differences I have encountered in this Native community where English is a second tongue , hunting remains the primary means of livelihood , and the only white people are those working for the school system . Differing perspectives on life skills have presented a challenge , as have the lingering effects of what amounts to a colonial presence ; issues with poverty and alcohol abuse pack a big punch here , as they do in Native American communities across the United States . A very high number of these children come to school with worldviews shaped by addiction and violence , by the existential crisis of trying to honor an old culture for the sake of tradition while needing to embrace a new one for the sake of survival . That 's hard . I met Auburn - Haired Girl , a 24 - year - old kindergarten teacher , when both of us were stuck two nights in Riverville because poor weather delayed our flight into White Venice . We took advantage of the occasion to get drunk together in a surprisingly well apportioned hotel room , then just continued spending time with one another after we made it to White Venice on March 5 . I 've passed several evenings in her house , petting her dogs and making halfhearted attempts at cooking as Sunrise , a 50 - year - old elementary teacher , prepares one warm meal after another in the cozy kitchen she and Auburn - Haired Girl share . Yesterday , Sunrise taught me how to make stew . Have there been hard moments ? You bet . Lugging my things to the school to shower each morning has not been fun ( there 's no running water in my house ) , and cultural differences have caused some frustration . I still wrestle with my fears , and on one difficult afternoon I called home crying . Some of that is unavoidable . Overall , though ? I worry every single day about my future . Whether I 'm being effective at reaching these kids . Whether I can satisfy the needs of my school district . Whether I 'll ever meet a man while I 'm living in a village on the edge of the Arctic . How I overcome my insecurities if I 'm lucky enough to find him . And what does a date look like when the nearest restaurant is reachable only by airplane ? I still don 't know . It had been a few years since the last time she 'd talked me into trespassing on the neighboring farmer 's property , and then as now I was impressed with the sheer scope of the plot . It extended acres across , endless rows of fallow corn stalks marching atop hills and breaking for the occasional clump of rocks or trees . When we arrived at one of these outposts , Pie turned back towards the house and wistfully surveyed her domain . " I 'm going to miss it here , " she said . She 's shot up in the past year and a half or so and is now tall , taller than even her mother , but the unrefined softness of her face gives her away for the child she still is . I mimed punching her in the cheek . " You 're about to start high school . You 're going to have a new house where you 'll make new memories . You 'll meet people who will become a huge part of your life , friends who will be like sisters . One day you won 't be able to imagine not having them with you . And you don 't even know they exist yet . " The last few weeks have been a curious mix of giddiness and nostalgia , with the former having a decided advantage over the latter . My father 's family were all naturally thrilled to learn I was moving to a sinking ice fortress 4 , 000 miles away , and at once convened an impromptu party that matched Pizza Hut with Pinot Noir and involved Aunt Crazy regaling the assembled crowd with the story of how she 'd once convinced my very young father to kick a neighborhood boy in the groin . Dad was about five years old at the time . Aunt Crazy was a grown woman in her 20s . " No , " she shook her head ruefully . " No , it 's not . Your Uncle Mustache got that as a gift during a Christmas party last year . " " We should exchange letters ! " Black Dress Girl said , her eyes glinting over a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon . " It 's not like you 'll have Internet . Or electricity . Or plumbing . " My stepmother Marie happens to be preparing for a move herself , something that made today 's stop at Mountain University to obtain a copy of my official transcripts all the more poignant . A long stretch of freakishly warm weather here on the East Coast broke today , such that my stroll through this college town occurred under grey skies and chill breezes . It reminded me of the fall of 2014 , when I first started there . " I 'll bet , " he said . " To go from the Goldlands to here must have been jarring . And it 's a weird town , anyway . " " It felt like stepping back in time . Especially because I 'd done stuff between my bachelor 's and master 's degrees . I 'd been living in the real world and all of a sudden I was a college student again . I enjoyed that . " For all the pain that occurred in this house ( and there was plenty ) , I will always be thankful for what my time here gave me . I arrived destitute and broken . I left with a career path , with a piece of paper I thought I 'd never earn and that I cried when I held today . That piece of paper opened so many doors . And that house was where I got it . " You know , Powell came here the other day , " Thomas said , referencing the wayward 27 - year - old brother who has struggled now for many years . " I think he was kind of upset , looking around . This is the last place we all lived together . Mom and Dad divorced . He moved out . You moved out . Now I 'm moving out , not going with Mom to her new place . " Thomas faces an uncertain path . He 's 21 and not yet settled into a career , 21 and leaving a mother from whom he feels increasingly distant . And he 's worried . " I think it was a way - station , " I responded . " We all rested here for a bit . We all got something we needed . And then we left with something we didn 't have before . Even you . " " Because you 're going to have to figure this out , so you 'll figure it out . You 're taking a new job because of this , and that job will lead you to other opportunities . This is going to give you your independence . This will lead you to your career . I really believe that five years from now , you 're going to look back on this as such a blessing . Even though it 's hard and scary now . And I get that it is . " My brother isn 't one for emotional displays . But every now and again he does something that reminds me how he still straddles the line between boy and man , though manhood comes ever closer like a rising tide . The boy in him needs help right now . I 'm glad my divorced father and stepmother seem willing to give it , in their way . My own situation , however , is happy - - even joyous in moments - - and that is where my attention should be . That is what I decide to focus on . I learned the hard way that it doesn 't do to dwell in the past . Forward , always forward , is the only way one can move , and it so happens that my forward is brimming with opportunity . I have chosen to assess that opportunity with a realistic view as to the challenges that accompany it , to be cognizant , as it were , that I am moving to a Native American village on the edge of the frozen ocean . I chose those challenges , though . Chose that opportunity . And I 'm happy to take them on , good and bad , day by day . " I 'll give you one thing , BB , " my brother remarked , leading me out to my car as I left that house for the last time . " I always said you 'd be here ' till you were 30 . And hot damn if by 29 you didn 't move across the Earth . " I think this is where I come back to you . Over the course of the last year or so , and especially over the last few months , I went quiet . I didn 't do that because I was withdrawing from the world ; I did it because I was occupied in the world . In the world and in myself , seeing truths and admitting faults that had long needed to be unmasked and accounted for . I needed time to discover where I 'd been , and why . I needed time to discover where I was going . And I honestly still don 't know . I don 't say that in a directionless or conflicted way ; I mean that the last couple of years , and the last year in particular , have taught me life is an uncertain thing full of constant change . I am fortunate enough that some of the changes thrown my way , beginning about last summer , conferred a degree of self - awareness I 'd sorely lacked before . As recently as last August , I believed I was going to work at Native State Public Relations , forging a new path in communications as opposed to education . As recently as October , I knew that wasn 't true . As recently as December , a master 's degree was conferred on me and my path turned back to teaching . As recently as January , I was reveling in the job interview that had gone so well , the one I thought I 'd probably nailed . As recently as three weeks ago , I was weeping with happiness because of the glowing phone call from an assistant principal that I was the right choice for the position . As recently as two weeks ago , I was headed back to Southern State , to the Goldlands from which I came , to take the position I was so happy God had put before me . As recently as one week ago , I was broken by a single e - mail . What does taking a position " in a different direction " even mean ? As recently as five days ago , I saw gloom . That 's a big part of why I haven 't written : cognizance that ever - shifting possibilities needed time to settle . When the most concrete of the teaching opportunities I 've yet gotten came my way , it was almost a fluke . It also , like many things of greater import than might initially be apparent , started as a joke . A friend in graduate school was from Aurora City and I cracked that we should apply for work there because " they [ didn 't ] have any people " and needed the help . I spoke with HR via Skype , then with the school principal by telephone . He told me he 'd offer me a contract if I wanted it , and I told him , thinking my ticket to Southern State was a sure thing , that I 'd take the weekend to think on it . That was Friday . Southern State went " in a different direction " on Tuesday , and by Tuesday night my weekend to think about it had led me to some unexpected thoughts . The actual contract , which I will actually sign , will likely arrive by e - mail tomorrow . So there 's uncertainty in all things , but less uncertainty here than in other things . After all : how many teachers will they find willing to move to Arctic State in February ? That this will constitute change of a very dramatic nature is undeniable . That it will present challenges both logistical and personal is , of course , inevitable , too . Already I am rushing around to switch my banking , to pack my things , to assemble lists of winter supplies . Already I 'm e - mailing a roommate with whom I 'll soon share a house on the edge of the sea . Already I 'm calling family and friends , people I love dearly , to arrange last hurrahs before a long flight north . But this is the right thing to do . Even knowing I may fail , it is the right thing to do . Opportunity comes when it comes , and at some point living in fear has to give way to living with reasonable risks , if living is to occur at all . So I 'm going somewhere new , in many senses . I hope that , as in years before , we can follow each other across different frontiers .
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This isn 't such a big deal , I thought , parka clad and a whole week into my time in White Venice . The weather isn 't terrible if you dress for it . And it 's isolated , but there 's Internet and everything you need . There are people to talk to . I don 't get why this drives people crazy . About three weeks later , I understood why it drove them crazy . The same faces and the same routine , day after day and week after week . The tortured planning required to obtain basic necessities . The sheer distance from family , from friends , from anyone . The time and the space to get lost in your own head . And I 'd fallen into a funk . " Your birthday is soon , anyway , " he reasoned . " Robin and I can come up to Iceport and see you . We 'll pay for your flight and hotel . Do you want to do this ? " The weekend was what I needed on so many levels . First of all , it got me out of the snow - flecked bubble in which I 'd gradually been going insane , something my father picked up on in our conversations leading up to the meeting . " I don 't think you 're excited to see me , " he quipped . " I think you 're excited to see a 7 / 11 . " And there was definitely some truth in that . The hotel room he 'd paid for was gorgeous , a silk - and - satin affair perched twenty stories over downtown Iceport , with a sunlit window through which I could scan the entire city while reclining on a fluffy queen bed . I went and got my hair done . I wandered into coffee shops . I spent a gratuitous amount of money on sushi . And I , a social butterfly , soaked up every single moment of the human interaction . And of the running water . But it was also nice to see my father . Earlier readers of this site will know that he and I have had a complicated and painful relationship , some of the most difficult chapters of which were recorded on this page . For a long time , and with good reason , I chose not to speak to him . Moving 4 , 000 miles from home has a way of focusing your priorities , however , and one dark weekend on the tundra I had to ask myself : Is being right worth not having a father ? Is it worth carrying this weariness ? Is it worth getting a call one day , a decade or two from now , that the man who raised me had died ? In light of his remorse , and of his changed behavior , I decided that the answer to that question was no . That doesn 't mean things he did in the past are all right , or that a repeat of them would be acceptable . It means I 've chosen to forgive someone who asked for forgiveness , and to accept a flawed man without illusions as to his nature . Which nature , incidentally , he chose to reveal again during my birthday getaway . " Listen , we got married Wednesday , just so you 're not blindsided . " Dad and Robin met in January , decided soon after they were soulmates , and then embarked on a wildly accelerated relationship because " you know when you know . " I 've heard of such spontaneous marriages working out before , and I hope against hope this one does , too . Because now the thing is done . " I didn 't tell you because I knew you 'd say I should pull back and take it slow , " he informed me serenely over a dinner of seafood and Cabernet Sauvignon . He looked over at Robin , whom , I reflected with some degree of hilarity , was now technically my stepmother . " BB is like that . " " Well , Dad , that is what I would have told you , " I said . " But now that it 's happened , I 'm rooting for you 100 % . Because now you guys are tied in all sorts of legal ways . " And he has , as usual , managed to bag a woman who 's way , way above his pay grade . I love the man , but I seriously don 't get it . His previous wife , my adoptive mother , was a career woman who singlehandedly sustained a family of four children while he was wandering from one short - term job to another , and struggling with addiction half the time to boot ( though she compensated for that by being , well , a little bit psychotic ) . His girlfriend before Robin was a businesswoman with a pricey education and a pricier CV . And now he 's married an airline executive with a master 's degree , two accomplished adult children ( one of whom she put through college at considerable personal sacrifice ) , a job so demanding that my eyes practically watered just hearing her typical workday , and a disposition that , by most accounts , makes her genuinely sweet and considerate . This is a driven and prolific individual . Time will tell . For his sake , for hers , and for that of everyone involved , I hope they 're able to make it work . Sometimes a person really is good for another , and she seems like she might be good for him . Meanwhile , the rapidly closing school year has left me with a big decision to make about where I 'll be starting in the fall . Today , after careful consideration , I accepted a contract from a school district adjacent to the one I 'm in now . It was a bit of a dilemma , but the little village of Gory felt like a good fit , and it 's a decision I 'm satisfied with . Other decisions need making , too , as we have a little under two weeks of school left - - astonishing - - and I need to know where I 'm living when I return to the Lower 48 on or around May 19 . To that end , I 've dispatched Thomas to investigate an apartment that so perfectly fits my needs I suspect it may in fact be a crack den in disguise . That possibility discounted , I 'll be living alone in a spacious two - bedroom place with laundry , kitchen , furniture , and scenic view for a cool $ 1 , 000 a month . Every year I say it , but every year it 's true ; I can 't believe how quickly the time has gone since I began writing here on April 7 , 2008 . I was nineteen years old then , and a college sophomore . My brother Thomas was only twelve , my sister Pie only four . Eighteen - year - old Powell was still a senior in high school , and my parents were still married , still living in the same Mountain Town house to which they 'd moved two years earlier . George W . Bush was president . Everyone was getting excited about this hot new underground artist named Lady Gaga . The economy was slowing down , but the bottom had not yet dropped out . And I was a child . In looking back , one of the most bizarre things to me about this entire blogging enterprise is how serendipitous it was . A routine Google search on an unrelated topic brought me to Writing as Jo ( e ) , a remarkable storyteller whose warmth and compassion were exactly what I needed during a deeply hurtful period of my life . She encouraged me to commit my thoughts to digital paper . And I did . For the last nine years , this blog has been witness to the most consequential chapters of my life , to the joys and growing pains of a young person transitioning from boy to man in the context of substantial obstacles - - but also of amazing victories . I began this blog carrying so many demons , and nine years on I can look back at a long list of personal and professional accomplishments that have been enriched by the self - reflection and community this place offered . Who ever would have thought I 'd get a master 's degree , or move to the Far North , or teach history in a village of 400 people and get paid a damn good salary to do it ? Who would 've thought I 'd be an openly gay man who accepts himself and arranges dates in Iceport ? And a group of wonderful bloggers have been with me every step of the way . I 've always been so thankful for that Google search . For the first time since you 've known me , I am doing that thing I 've been talking about since we met : standing on my own two feet . Paying my own bills . Earning a steady paycheck , and in a field that gives me fulfillment . I still have problems , sure . But who doesn 't ? And being in a stable financial place means that the handling of those problems can proceed way more smoothly than happened when I was twenty and my whole future hung in the balance . I 've done a lot of heavy lifting these last nine years . Now , professionally at least , I can do some settling in . Knowing that feels so incredibly good . This was a month ago , and I was meandering around Iceport International Airport shortly after my arrival in Arctic State . The object of my pursuit was the Starbucks I knew to be hiding somewhere in the facility and which , as my departure time to Riverville crept ever closer , I knew I needed to find pronto . This would be my last iced caramel macchiato until the middle of May . " You know , there was this time , " she explained . " In about 2009 , when I convinced myself I didn 't need to keep such close tabs on Evil anymore . Not my most insightful moment . " She looked tired as always . The kind smile that came so easily to her face seemed to struggle against the weight of all she knew , all the same mistakes she saw repeated over and over again . Some of those , I realized with a start , were mine . I 'd been short sighted , self - absorbed , reckless . But also a child . I didn 't blame myself for those years , and knew she didn 't , either . " And I missed you , " she replied . " It was hard to just watch . But you were in so much pain then that your heart didn 't have much room for me . You couldn 't see the good in the world . " She had this marvelous way of expressing emotions with just her hazel eyes , which gleamed for a moment and then resumed their usual warmth . " So you couldn 't see me . " " I hope you 'll tell him I 'm sorry about that , " I said . " I wasn 't . . . you know . I wasn 't myself . " " I think he knows that , " she replied . " He 's not one to hold grudges . You see enough and you get some perspective on that . " " It doesn 't do to see too much of him , " she told me . " Some people are tied tightly to him , others barely bound to him at all . But no one should dwell on him more than they have to . His work isn 't conducive to living a day - to - day life . " " Because you realize it doesn 't work that way , " she responded , folding her newspaper and dropping it to the floor . " Because you 're here . Because you 've chosen to engage in the world and accept what it brings to you , even if that 's difficult . Because you 've realized that finding something worthwhile requires sacrifice and risk . Because you 've decided to get a little messy . All Good comes from that . " " When I was younger I made so many decisions based on fear , " I admitted . " For years . And then at some point I realized I was twenty - eight , and if I didn 't change it then one day I 'd have just that fear . And nothing else . Because it all keeps moving forward , whether you 're on track or not . " " You 're feeling a little bit of Time , " she said . " Pressing on your shoulder . Most people are immune to her in youth . But you 've passed from that , haven 't you ? " " She 's . . . disconcerting . Even for us . I tend to interact with her only when I have to . Like the last time you and I saw each other . " " Well , my chicken - noodle soup is amazing . Which makes sense , since I did invent chicken - noodle soup . Just saying . But beyond that , it keeps really well , and she 's always going on about how ' nothing lasts , nothing lasts . ' So reliable heat - ups are a big hit with her . " " You 're doing the right things , " she said as we stood and hugged one another . " Keep doing them . Even when it 's hard . Even when it 's scary . Especially then . " It 's easy to forget , in the bustle of the village and the occasional chaos of the classroom , just how isolated we are here in White Venice . Sure , there are only 400 people . But 400 people , clustered together , seen through the lens of work and social visits , can feel bigger than it is . Add in the endless stream of duties , coupled with a good WiFi connection , and the vastness of our removal doesn 't feel as immediate . But there 's one place I can never forget it . The laundry building behind the school is separate from everything else , a peaceful bubble of whirring washing machines and humming dryers to which I gladly retreat once a week with a book and a few bulging bags of clothes . From the balcony that abuts it , facing away from the village , the tundra extends in enormous nothingness to beyond the horizon . No houses . No snowmachines , No yapping dogs . No pretense . Just hundreds of miles of frozen white plain . Standing on that walkway is a like careening on the end of the world , abyss ahead and civilization behind . That 's when you feel the weight of living here . That 's when you get a sense of what it is . I learned a long time ago not to sugarcoat reality , because sooner or later a reckoning with the truth must occur , and delaying that reckoning has a way of making truth bigger and scarier than it was to start out . So here it is : three weeks in , I 'm lonely . Everyone I know is 4 , 000 miles away , I 'm seeing the same faces and doing the same things day in and day out , and the yearning for friends and conveniences to which I was accustomed pulses like a tiny ulcer . I knew that would likely happen , and I made the decision to come here fully aware of it . But still . I 'm the kind of lonely that makes you remember things as better than they were , that makes other loneliness stand out in sharper resolve . In missing what I did have , I find myself longing for what I 've never had ; how , I 've wondered , am I to meet a man ? That was something I could never do back home anyway , but now the absence of this hypothetical person is even more acute . And I have , too . So much , in prayer , in Bible reading , in life , seemed to all be pointing in the same direction , and then this opportunity opened up in so unplanned a way . It was hard not to see the hand of Providence in that , hard even for a priest of the Episcopal tradition , whose members tend to regard the color beige as a little too loud and to judge the veracity of holy visions based on whether those visions interrupt brunch . " You just have to have faith , " she told me . " You just have to be patient . That doesn 't mean you sit around and do nothing , or wait for Prince Charming to waltz into your life . But it means you do what you can do , and believe that God will let that moment happen when it 's supposed to . Patience can be hard . But I have no doubt that is going to happen for you . " " No , " she said , her voice firm . " The Bible says God gives us our heart 's desire . I don 't believe you 'd have these feelings unless you were supposed to . Unless you were supposed to meet someone . You just have to believe . You will be okay . " And in any case there 's no alternative . I do believe I was meant to come here , do believe that it is far and away the best professional option I have . So in the difficult moments , I endure , always with an eye to where the moments of joy can be gleaned from that endurance ; always with a mind to what the long - term plan is , even as I live in the present . God brought me here , and I have to trust He 'll lead me where He intends me to be . So that 's where I am . Planning and praying , trusting and withstanding , making room in my head for little pleasures and optimism about the future amid the tedium of daily lesson plans and strolls about this very tiny town . At this juncture , it seems likely I will begin the 2017 - 2018 school year in another district , one here in Arctic State but not in White Venice . And of the six weekends remaining in this semester I will spend two away , one in Riverville and one in Iceport . Decisions to be made . Excursions to be savored . Plans to be laid . Now also seems like a good time to mention that the names I use on this blog are not the actual designations of people and places in the real world . Back in 2008 , when I started this site , I borrowed the tradition from another blogger of using pseudonyms to protect mine and others ' anonymity . Nine years after the fact , the practice has stuck , so I leave it to you to divine the real places behind the made - up monikers . Arctic State and Iceport will probably be easy enough to decipher , but if you manage to ferret out where White Venice is then you deserve some kind of award . I very much appreciate the number of you who read and commented on the last post . I 'd been away from regular blogging for quite a while , and the warm welcome back was heartening indeed . I 'm looking forward to following your journeys as you follow mine . Up until the moment I got on the plane , it didn 't feel real . I 'd spent weeks packing , weeks saying goodbyes and transferring accounts and preparing for the journey , weeks telling people I was moving and then watching their mouths drop when they learned where . But somehow it was still an abstraction even that morning . And then I was airborne . And then I was here . Three weeks on , the fact of here is still vaguely surprising , but what 's more surprising is how quickly " here " has become the same as any other place ; just a place . Only this afternoon I caught myself remarking on " what a nice day " it was because the sun was out and the temperature had gotten all the way up to 13 degrees . Wherever you are you fall into a crowd and into a routine . And then very quickly abnormal becomes normal . That was not , of course , the way I saw things when in the early - morning hours of March 2 I arrived in Iceport , a surreal city perched on a frozen harbor and surrounded for hundreds of miles by wilderness . The nighttime flight out of Coffee City , on the West Coast , was four hours over unbroken darkness . In that black ocean , Iceport glowed like a constellation set in deep space . My two days in this metropolis , which is far and away Arctic State 's largest , were spent gathering critical winter - gear items and enjoying my last taste of urban amenities before I departed for a place with no such things . No Starbucks . No Dunkin Donuts . No fast food or streaming Netflix . No roads . Acclimating to a lot , by the way . It 's hard to explain how different it is here , if only because the differences are so many , both in kind and in quality . There are no grocery stores or pharmacies , which means residents make ample use of online retailers and the bush - delivery services in Riverville . Calling up a supermarket 100 miles away and asking them to deliver your loaf of bread by Cessna is completely normal here . They even have an 800 number for it . All of the food is frozen . All of the supplies are ordered in bulk . Creative solutions to culinary problems abound , and one 's capacity to be delighted by small things greatly expands ; within about a week , I had come to appreciate the palette - pleasing nuance of powdered milk and freeze - dried strawberries . All of this is to say nothing , of course , of the cultural differences I have encountered in this Native community where English is a second tongue , hunting remains the primary means of livelihood , and the only white people are those working for the school system . Differing perspectives on life skills have presented a challenge , as have the lingering effects of what amounts to a colonial presence ; issues with poverty and alcohol abuse pack a big punch here , as they do in Native American communities across the United States . A very high number of these children come to school with worldviews shaped by addiction and violence , by the existential crisis of trying to honor an old culture for the sake of tradition while needing to embrace a new one for the sake of survival . That 's hard . I met Auburn - Haired Girl , a 24 - year - old kindergarten teacher , when both of us were stuck two nights in Riverville because poor weather delayed our flight into White Venice . We took advantage of the occasion to get drunk together in a surprisingly well apportioned hotel room , then just continued spending time with one another after we made it to White Venice on March 5 . I 've passed several evenings in her house , petting her dogs and making halfhearted attempts at cooking as Sunrise , a 50 - year - old elementary teacher , prepares one warm meal after another in the cozy kitchen she and Auburn - Haired Girl share . Yesterday , Sunrise taught me how to make stew . Have there been hard moments ? You bet . Lugging my things to the school to shower each morning has not been fun ( there 's no running water in my house ) , and cultural differences have caused some frustration . I still wrestle with my fears , and on one difficult afternoon I called home crying . Some of that is unavoidable . Overall , though ? I worry every single day about my future . Whether I 'm being effective at reaching these kids . Whether I can satisfy the needs of my school district . Whether I 'll ever meet a man while I 'm living in a village on the edge of the Arctic . How I overcome my insecurities if I 'm lucky enough to find him . And what does a date look like when the nearest restaurant is reachable only by airplane ? I still don 't know . It had been a few years since the last time she 'd talked me into trespassing on the neighboring farmer 's property , and then as now I was impressed with the sheer scope of the plot . It extended acres across , endless rows of fallow corn stalks marching atop hills and breaking for the occasional clump of rocks or trees . When we arrived at one of these outposts , Pie turned back towards the house and wistfully surveyed her domain . " I 'm going to miss it here , " she said . She 's shot up in the past year and a half or so and is now tall , taller than even her mother , but the unrefined softness of her face gives her away for the child she still is . I mimed punching her in the cheek . " You 're about to start high school . You 're going to have a new house where you 'll make new memories . You 'll meet people who will become a huge part of your life , friends who will be like sisters . One day you won 't be able to imagine not having them with you . And you don 't even know they exist yet . " The last few weeks have been a curious mix of giddiness and nostalgia , with the former having a decided advantage over the latter . My father 's family were all naturally thrilled to learn I was moving to a sinking ice fortress 4 , 000 miles away , and at once convened an impromptu party that matched Pizza Hut with Pinot Noir and involved Aunt Crazy regaling the assembled crowd with the story of how she 'd once convinced my very young father to kick a neighborhood boy in the groin . Dad was about five years old at the time . Aunt Crazy was a grown woman in her 20s . " No , " she shook her head ruefully . " No , it 's not . Your Uncle Mustache got that as a gift during a Christmas party last year . " " We should exchange letters ! " Black Dress Girl said , her eyes glinting over a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon . " It 's not like you 'll have Internet . Or electricity . Or plumbing . " My stepmother Marie happens to be preparing for a move herself , something that made today 's stop at Mountain University to obtain a copy of my official transcripts all the more poignant . A long stretch of freakishly warm weather here on the East Coast broke today , such that my stroll through this college town occurred under grey skies and chill breezes . It reminded me of the fall of 2014 , when I first started there . " I 'll bet , " he said . " To go from the Goldlands to here must have been jarring . And it 's a weird town , anyway . " " It felt like stepping back in time . Especially because I 'd done stuff between my bachelor 's and master 's degrees . I 'd been living in the real world and all of a sudden I was a college student again . I enjoyed that . " For all the pain that occurred in this house ( and there was plenty ) , I will always be thankful for what my time here gave me . I arrived destitute and broken . I left with a career path , with a piece of paper I thought I 'd never earn and that I cried when I held today . That piece of paper opened so many doors . And that house was where I got it . " You know , Powell came here the other day , " Thomas said , referencing the wayward 27 - year - old brother who has struggled now for many years . " I think he was kind of upset , looking around . This is the last place we all lived together . Mom and Dad divorced . He moved out . You moved out . Now I 'm moving out , not going with Mom to her new place . " Thomas faces an uncertain path . He 's 21 and not yet settled into a career , 21 and leaving a mother from whom he feels increasingly distant . And he 's worried . " I think it was a way - station , " I responded . " We all rested here for a bit . We all got something we needed . And then we left with something we didn 't have before . Even you . " " Because you 're going to have to figure this out , so you 'll figure it out . You 're taking a new job because of this , and that job will lead you to other opportunities . This is going to give you your independence . This will lead you to your career . I really believe that five years from now , you 're going to look back on this as such a blessing . Even though it 's hard and scary now . And I get that it is . " My brother isn 't one for emotional displays . But every now and again he does something that reminds me how he still straddles the line between boy and man , though manhood comes ever closer like a rising tide . The boy in him needs help right now . I 'm glad my divorced father and stepmother seem willing to give it , in their way . My own situation , however , is happy - - even joyous in moments - - and that is where my attention should be . That is what I decide to focus on . I learned the hard way that it doesn 't do to dwell in the past . Forward , always forward , is the only way one can move , and it so happens that my forward is brimming with opportunity . I have chosen to assess that opportunity with a realistic view as to the challenges that accompany it , to be cognizant , as it were , that I am moving to a Native American village on the edge of the frozen ocean . I chose those challenges , though . Chose that opportunity . And I 'm happy to take them on , good and bad , day by day . " I 'll give you one thing , BB , " my brother remarked , leading me out to my car as I left that house for the last time . " I always said you 'd be here ' till you were 30 . And hot damn if by 29 you didn 't move across the Earth . " I think this is where I come back to you . Over the course of the last year or so , and especially over the last few months , I went quiet . I didn 't do that because I was withdrawing from the world ; I did it because I was occupied in the world . In the world and in myself , seeing truths and admitting faults that had long needed to be unmasked and accounted for . I needed time to discover where I 'd been , and why . I needed time to discover where I was going . And I honestly still don 't know . I don 't say that in a directionless or conflicted way ; I mean that the last couple of years , and the last year in particular , have taught me life is an uncertain thing full of constant change . I am fortunate enough that some of the changes thrown my way , beginning about last summer , conferred a degree of self - awareness I 'd sorely lacked before . As recently as last August , I believed I was going to work at Native State Public Relations , forging a new path in communications as opposed to education . As recently as October , I knew that wasn 't true . As recently as December , a master 's degree was conferred on me and my path turned back to teaching . As recently as January , I was reveling in the job interview that had gone so well , the one I thought I 'd probably nailed . As recently as three weeks ago , I was weeping with happiness because of the glowing phone call from an assistant principal that I was the right choice for the position . As recently as two weeks ago , I was headed back to Southern State , to the Goldlands from which I came , to take the position I was so happy God had put before me . As recently as one week ago , I was broken by a single e - mail . What does taking a position " in a different direction " even mean ? As recently as five days ago , I saw gloom . That 's a big part of why I haven 't written : cognizance that ever - shifting possibilities needed time to settle . When the most concrete of the teaching opportunities I 've yet gotten came my way , it was almost a fluke . It also , like many things of greater import than might initially be apparent , started as a joke . A friend in graduate school was from Aurora City and I cracked that we should apply for work there because " they [ didn 't ] have any people " and needed the help . I spoke with HR via Skype , then with the school principal by telephone . He told me he 'd offer me a contract if I wanted it , and I told him , thinking my ticket to Southern State was a sure thing , that I 'd take the weekend to think on it . That was Friday . Southern State went " in a different direction " on Tuesday , and by Tuesday night my weekend to think about it had led me to some unexpected thoughts . The actual contract , which I will actually sign , will likely arrive by e - mail tomorrow . So there 's uncertainty in all things , but less uncertainty here than in other things . After all : how many teachers will they find willing to move to Arctic State in February ? That this will constitute change of a very dramatic nature is undeniable . That it will present challenges both logistical and personal is , of course , inevitable , too . Already I am rushing around to switch my banking , to pack my things , to assemble lists of winter supplies . Already I 'm e - mailing a roommate with whom I 'll soon share a house on the edge of the sea . Already I 'm calling family and friends , people I love dearly , to arrange last hurrahs before a long flight north . But this is the right thing to do . Even knowing I may fail , it is the right thing to do . Opportunity comes when it comes , and at some point living in fear has to give way to living with reasonable risks , if living is to occur at all . So I 'm going somewhere new , in many senses . I hope that , as in years before , we can follow each other across different frontiers .
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Although not directly related to my teaching experience , I feel like this is relevant enough to post here . Thursday night , my husband picked me up from a church trip at about midnight and we drove home . When we got home , I was giving him a hard time about driving my car instead of his ( because my stereo doesn 't work ) . We parked next to his car . Friday morning when he woke up to go to work , his car window was open , doors unlocked , stereo and CD case gone . We filed a police report , but all that entails is filling up a form and them giving you a silly card with a case number on it . I 'm tired of this . We were going to sign a six month lease Friday in the hopes of moving out to the suburbs by January . Instead , I 'm going to look at houses today . As much as I would like to argue against the migration to the suburbs , I 'd also like to be able to sleep at night and know that my car will still be in one piece in the morning . When a friend came over during Christmas break , her car window was smashed in my parking lot . The people in the apartment across from us just moved out because his car had been vandalized 3 times . I know of at least 2 other cars that had been vandalized since we 've been here . This must not be a priority for the police department since it is located ACROSS THE STREET from our parking lot . Every report we file doesn 't seem to have any effect . I know the real world isn 't like CSI , but couldn 't they at least dust for fingerprints ? ? The most depressing part is that we live in one of the nicer areas of town . I know having a stereo stolen isn 't the end of the world , but I don 't want random people breaking into my car . The fact that they were in the car is more upsetting to me than the stereo . Anyway , I 'll now be the hypocrytical teacher driving in from the suburbs to teach every day . Today was a good day because it reminded me why I 'm still here . All the other mess is still falling to pieces around me and I cannot for the life of me get any technology to do what I want , but I got to teach . Today was the first day I 've taught in a week . If there 's one thing I 've learned this summer , it 's that I don 't like watching other people teach . I want to be up there , doing things . It was fun and novel at first to watch other people , but what I really love is when I 'm up there teaching . The students made my day today . Asking interesting questions ( after the bell rang ! ) and staying involved even though the projector wasn 't working and I kept calling them the wrong names . Even when I have a bad teaching day , the students are the reason I want to stay . Don 't get me wrong , there were some students that I dreaded to see coming last year , but in hindsight , it was because I didn 't deal with their behaviors appropriately . Hopefully this year I can avoid a lot of that . The truth is , students really do want to make you proud . All they 're looking for is approval and they 'll do almost anything you ask , as long as you know how to ask . I love the excitement they get when they learn or understand something new . Inevitably over the past few weeks I 've been asked , " Are you staying at your school ? " . . . I don 't know how I could leave . I may have 5 - 6 reasons to hate my job , but I have 143 reasons to love it . I 've always said that the frustrations in teaching come from the adults . Adults should know better , but usually don 't . Adults should be responsible and usually aren 't . And generally the adults want to make your life 1 , 000 times more difficult and much less enjoyable . The key is to avoid adult interaction . : ) Today has not been my day . The cumulative stresses of the month of June are starting to take their toll on me . I am exponentially more stressed than I intend to be during the school year . The last time I felt this overwhelmed , it was probably the first week in August . It seems that every time there is a small break from one obligation or another , suddenly there are three more things to be started . I 'm tired , I 'm grumpy , and I 've been in the same city as my husband for a total of 60 hours in the past three and a half weeks . This is not the way I enjoy living my life . On top of it all , my laptop turned itself off today and refuses to turn back on . It 's probably because it wasn 't shiny , new , and white . . . it also wasn 't free . Now I need money for a new computer . . . before school starts . I have never been so ready for a month off in my life . Most of it will be spent lesson planning for next year ( I have an entire box of AP stuff and two textbooks sitting in my room that haven 't been touched yet ) and another week of it will be spent back in Oxford , away from my husband , attending the stupid AP workshop that is also offered 3 blocks away from my house , but for stupid reasons I have to attend the one here . It 's ridiculous , but I 'm actually looking forward to the start of the school year , because I 'll be home more and have more free time . This is getting really bitter and I have a law paper to write . If anyone has any idea what we 're doing , let me know . Thanks to everyone who helped me out today and I promise in about 4 days to be a new person . The objectives where my students were most successful were the two related to the Great Plains ( explain why people began settling the Great Plains and describe life for settlers on the Great Plains ) . I think the main reason that they were so successful on these objectives is because the lesson was very interactive . The students played the part of settlers while the railroad owner convinced them to move to the Great Plains . Because they " lived through it " , they seem to remember it better . Another reason the students seem to remember these objectives better is that we started the unit with a picture of a woman holding a baby in the middle of a wheat field . The students spent a lot of time examining and describing the picture . They both told me it was their favorite picture in the chapter . I think that because they were able to relate to the woman in the picture before we started reading the chapter , they were more involved in the lesson . As far as describing life for settlers , I had the students pretend to be settlers and write a letter home about their life . Both students seemed to really enjoy the assignment and wrote great letters . I think the fact that I was able to incorporate varied and interesting activities into the lesson helped the students to better master the objectives . ( Also , the fact that this was the 7th lesson I taught meant that the students were starting to get used to me and I was starting to get to know them better ) . I differentiated learning well in the Great Plains lesson , because I used visual ( looking at the picture ) , kinesthetic ( acting out settling the Great Plains ) , and intrapersonal ( reflection and writing a letter home ) . Also , by this point , we had noticed that one of our two students was a much weaker reader than the other . If you gave them both an assignment that involved reading , one would struggle and take much longer than the other . For this reason , I realized that I would need to rely heavily on other ways of getting information across . I wanted to make sure she fully understPosted by Planning social studies lessons tends to be different that other subjects . Granted , the only time I taught another subject was last summer , but I 've noticed that whereas many other subjects tend to be skills based ( how to work a certain problem , how to conjugate a verb , how to solve chemistry equations , how to recognize examples of alliteration , etc . ) , social studies tends to be very factual . There are some skills involved ( how to read a map , graph , chart , etc ) , but the majority of information that students are responsible for is strictly memorization based ( Who was president during WWII ? Why did people settle in the Great Plains ? What were conditions like for the industrial working class in the 1800s ? ) . You can definitely expand these ideas and find creative ways of presenting them , but it 's not something that lends itself well to guided practice or independent practice . Without continuous innovation , social studies can easily become a monotony of reading the book and answering questions , lecture , and essay responses . I 'm sure all the other teachers would disagree with me and argue that their subjects are just as challenging , but this is my obviously biased opinion . With that said , I started planning my lessons this week by focusing on the state curriculum . Thankfully , the curriculum for U . S . History is much less vague than the other social studies frameworks . Since history is generally taught chronologically ( so that students can see cause and effect ) and since textbooks generally follow this format , I found the corresponding chapters in the textbook and started at the beginning . My objectives for the first two lessons were similar to everyone else 's : classroom management related and giving a pretest . For the rest of the first day , I focused on two skills that are surprisingly lacking in students : How to make and use a timeline and how to use a textbook . I 'm a firm believer in teaching these skills from day one , so that the rest of the year you can use them without confusion . The second day focused on " The West " Posted by At the beginning of the year I had a student , K . C . He was very bright , attentive , and charismatic . He talked a little too much and sometimes got in trouble for it , but he was polite and considerate and just very different from my other students . I found out later that he was from California and wondered if that somehow explained it . He wasn 't performing to his potential and I spent quite a few afternoons on the phone with his mom . Around Christmas , he came and told me that he was dropping out to get his GED . I was SO disappointed . Yesterday he came by to see me . It was the first time I 'd seen him since he left . He told me that he was graduating next week with the seniors ( with his GED ) and going to the community college . He hoped in a couple of years he could transfer to a four year college . I asked him what he wanted to study and he said maybe psychology . I got his email address and promised to send him mine . Then he said , " I just wanted to thank you , Mrs . D . " And I asked , " Thank me for what ? " He said , " Just . . . thank you . . . for everything . " We talked a bit more and then he hugged me and left ( I 've gotten over my paranoia about touching students , although I am very careful about how I hug my male students ) . Just that small interaction made me understand why veteran teachers stay in the profession . I don 't even remember what I said to him that made him come back up to the school and find me six months later to thank me , but knowing that I said or did something that made a difference made me feel like this year wasn 't a waste . Kids are funny at the end of the year . Suddenly they 're really going to miss you . I finally told my kids ( 10th graders ) that I 'm teaching 11th grade next year . The ones who gave me nightmares this year invariably said , " I hope I have you again next year ! Request me in your class . " I finally questioned one girl who has been rolling her eyes at me for the past 180 days , " Why would you want to be in my class next year ? I thought you hated this class . " " I don 't hate you . I hate having to be quiet inPosted by The last days of school were surprisingly anticlimactic . Students kind of dwindled away throughout the week depending on if other teachers would let them take their exams early or if they had classes with no exams like P . E . Also , being on A - day / B - day blocks means that Wednesday was the last day I saw some kids and Thursday was the last day I saw others . It didn 't feel like it had a lot of closure . One thing that 's strange to me is that kids don 't get their yearbooks until the summer . I remember at the beginning of last year kids were passing around yearbooks and I couldn 't figure out why . Apparently they do this so that pictures from second semester can be included in the book , but then students don 't get to sign each other 's yearbooks , especially seniors . I 'm sure kids with yearbooks are annoying , but these last couple of weeks had a lot of random down time where they could have been doing that . It seems like one more thing we 're doing to make these kids feel like they have no sense of camaraderie at the school and therefore no investment in it . I 'm constantly surprised by how little my students know about each other . I guess they move so often , they don 't really get to know each other . Friday was make up exam day . We kept the students in the cafeteria and took turns watching them . The students left at 1 : 00 . At about 1 : 30 , the vice principal came on the intercom and announced that ALL STUDENTS should be out of the building and off the premises . About 5 minutes later he came back on and said , " Teachers , we wanted to inform you that we have planned an in - service professional development for this afternoon and it will start shortly . " ( My stomach sank . ) " The in - service will take place at your individual residences , so at this time , teachers , you may begin moving to your own homes to start your in - service for this afternoon . " I think that was when it hit me . The year was over . I 'd survived . I had no more lessons to plan and no more students to teach . It was summer . I hadn 't even considered the idea of summer . I 'd beenPosted by Unfortunately my camera ran out of batteries , so this is the best picture I have . I know this student has worn this shirt to school before , but I guess this was the first time I looked at it . I couldn 't help myself . I had to ask . " Mark , are those food stamps on your shirt ? " " Yeah , Mrs . D . You 've never seen these before ? They have one that has an EBT card and then food stamps and it says ' Back in the old days ' " All the other kids in the class were unimpressed , because apparently they had seen many of these before . I can 't decide how I feel about it , but it seemed like something that should be shared . I just reread my past few posts and realized my blog has become pretty depressing . It 's not that my life is that depression 100 % of the time , it 's just that , like every journal I 've ever kept , this has become my mode of venting / processing the bad stuff . When the good stuff happens , I just live it . I 've never felt the need to document that part . So here 's some of the good stuff , and maybe you can piece together the big picture : 1 . Tuesday I got to leave campus to eat lunch for the first time . It seems like a really silly thing to be happy about , but all day I had this professional air . I had an appointment . I had to go somewhere on my planning period . I was very important and had very important things to do . It 's amazing how leaving the building can make you suddenly feel like an adult . Which brings us to # 2 : I went to a Rotary club luncheon . I 'm starting an Interact club at the school . We 'll be the first in the district . The Rotarians were cool . The club is all about community service ( yea Peace Corps ! ) , international understanding ( yea Peace Corps ! ) , and mentoring opportunities from the Rotarians ( which my students desperately need ) . Will it work ? I have no idea . Are the kids interested ? I sure hope so . Will it be a headache ? For sure . But suddenly I have a role in the school other than boring children for 100 consecutive minutes each day ( Now I can bore them after school too ! : ) # 3 www . teachingtolerance . orgWe had just finished the Cold War and I had time for one more unit . The pacing guide had become non - decipherable after Easter . I had to choose between the Vietnam War ( briefly glossed over in the Cold War material ) and the Civil Rights movement . I figured Civil Rights would be more fun . Despite the sheer determination of students to be obnoxious teenagers ( " Why are we studying this now instead of back in February ? " - - don 't try to explain the logistics of sequential historical events to a child that has been trained to believe Martin Luther King only exists in February ) , I think I may have won them over , thanks to TPosted by Somewhere between Sunday evening and Monday morning there was graffiti found on my school that said " Virginia Tech " and had tomorrow 's date . When I heard it on the news Monday ( I had taken the day off ) , I was surprised , but didn 't feel overly concerned . For the past few days , all the kids at school have been talking about it , taking every opportunity to ask me what I think and if I 'm coming to school tomorrow . I 've assured them all that I 'll be there and the school is taking every precaution . I reminded them that if they hear anything specific , they shouldn 't hesitate to tell someone , because this is not a joke . They 've all told me they heard it was done by kids from our rival school . I think they 'd accuse our rival school of doing just about anything , but it sounded plausible . They 've all informed me that they 're not coming to school tomorrow . I actually had 2 students stop by today to get their assignments for tomorrow . I heard a couple of teachers talk about whether or not they were coming . I 'm trying to remain level - headed , but the closer I get to tomorrow morning , the more I start to worry . I 've rationalized it a million different ways . Kids who were actually going to do something wouldn 't warn you first . . . would they ? I feel 90 % sure that it was a stupid prank , but that 10 % keeps nagging at me . What if something happens ? We haven 't had any kind of faculty meeting this week . The only information given was a written description of what happened and the " security measures " being taken that was distributed to the students . No one has mentioned what we might do if something did happen . There 's evidence that someone who is not enrolled at my school was in my class Monday . Another non - student was found in first period today . I don 't feel completely confident that the administration has this under control . We have an assembly at 9 : 45 . One thing 's for certain , my door will be locked all day tomorrow and my cell phone will in my pocket . I can 't sleep right now for various non - school related reasons , and the strangest memories are popping into my head . Last Friday was Friday the 13th . I realized this quickly since the LCD projector I signed up for was MIA , my overhead screen would no longer pull down and stay like it had the day before , and the speakers were busted . As my second block kids were coming into the room , a kid sat down to start the Do Now and asked me the date . " It 's the thirteenth . Friday the thirteenth , " I responded . A female student immediately turned around and announced , " Don 't have sex today . Ooops , sorry Mrs . D . , but they shouldn 't . " I simply told her it was good advice and continued with my day , but as I look back , I 'm starting to wonder if I should have her make public service announcements at the beginning of every class . " Having unprotected sex will get you pregnant and probably keep you from graduating . " " Refusing to do your homework or to study will cause you to fail this class . " Maybe I should just have some cheesy posters of garfield made up that say the same things . Or a cute white kitten doing something adorable . There is an amazing lack of cheesy posters in my room .
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Read City of Angels 5 for coverage of Catholic priest pedophile crimes nationwide in 2009 . This is Part 1 of a personal story of being an adult victim of a pedophile priest . This story burst out and began the whole City of Angels blog in January 2007 . My story as I live it continues at City of Angels 2 - Onward . . . ke By age 19 I had my own apartment . I paid 20 dollars a month for the bottom half of a duplex in Echo Park , L . A . That was in February 1968 and by June I 'd moved to Leland Way near Sunset and Vine and changed my name to Jesica Leland . I often say I was not raised by parents but by Los Angeles . So naming myself for my stage name after my street was appropriate . It was amazing I was still alive at age 19 . My dad had sent me to Europe in 1966 - - high school graduation present was a round trip ticket , a place to live and a job in Geneva , Switzerland . I worked as a typist in a bank , typing often in German , even though I didn 't know the language , but just copying these lo - o - o - o - ng words . But my office in Geneva was very cramped with three people crowded in it already and then all of a sudden here 's this political hire teenager from Los Angeles with no experience or skills at all taking up more space in their cramped office . I didn 't really need the money anyway so I quit the job to just travel around . Kick around . I was actually mad at my parents for sending me to Europe because there was so much happening in L . A . and California and the whole country in 1966 with love - ins and free psychedelic drugs and bottles of amphetamine pills that fell off pharmaceutical trucks and pot everywhere . Ten dollars for an ounce of pot and it was good pot that you rolled in joints and it smoked smooth , usually imported from Mexico or points south . I digress . I should list . The reason it 's amazing I was still alive at age 19 was , well one , in Europe , I met these American GI AWOL guys and we decided to go to Paris to trip around . I met them through my sister who also lived in Geneva - - this is Patricia , the sister who was also raped by Father Horne from age five to age eight before he dumped her for me . Her response to the incident was to freeze up sexually for years , remaining staunchly a virgin until age 21 , amazing even in the 1960s . However , by the time Trish was back from Europe and living in San Francisco a few years later she got deep in the sex industry , which thrives always in that city and still today Trish parties with the Strippers and Hookers Ball folks and lives in Haight Ashbury near Golden Gate park and is a very unusual person even for San Francisco . Trish plays into this story in many strange ways , but someone else will have to find her and interview her to get her side . She and I do not speak . So I rode with the two American guys who were AWOL from the Vietnam war in their VW van across the Swiss then French countryside until we got to Paris . Then I dumped them . I was on a mission and it did not include them . I had to be anonymous . Here is another place where the PTSD induced compulsion did weird things in my life . These cute , cool , my age American guys wanted to party with me in Paris and I said , sure , I 'll be here at this hotel where you 're dropping me off , see you in the morning . They watched as I walked into the hotel and went up to the desk . They drove away and I peaked out and when they left , I scurried out of the hotel . I dragged with me this about 10 - 15 pound suitcase , because understand I was 17 years old from L . A . and I had to have my clothes . All my clothes were in this huge white suitcase and I lugged it for many , many blocks until I found another hotel so I would be totally anonymous and alone in the middle of Paris . I was on auto - pilot , synchronicity time . It 's hard to explain but it is part of the story , part of the compulsion placed in me by the priest when I was five , and how it played out . I would just move along almost in a trance knowing I was doing something crazy and dangerous but also knowing there was some reason , some purpose , and I had to keep following my instinct because there was something I had to do . And it had something to do with sex and God . I had one phone number , Patricia 's friend Philippe , who I phoned one time from a payphone . He was a Brit living in Paris and Pat had said he probably would have some acid . ( I 'd been amazed that you couldn 't find acid in Geneva where the Sandoz Laboratories had developed the drug . ) He flipped out and got so paranoid and swore at me never to call there again . So now I was totally on my own in Paris and may have done that on purpose , as I 'm not really that dumb . I was on autopilot , on a Mission from God , driven by a compulsion that came deep inside me and at age 17 I hadn 't quite identified it yet . Next day after a scary bath in the coed bathroom that everybody on the floor shared where there was pubic hair in the tub , ah the French , I took off to stroll the Left Bank . I sat in cafes drinking wine , wow no age limit , I walked around up and down streets . It was 1966 so Paris was still very much just Paris then . Down one side street I found a bookstore and wandered in , and two young men wandered in close after me . They were my age , my generation almost , a little older , but the hair was long and they wore jeans . Now remember it was 1966 and in California if someone had long hair and jeans you automatically identified them as a fellow traveler in the counter culture . I was 17 and thought things would be the same in Paris so I may even have been the one who struck up a conversation with them . I know I asked if they knew where to score some LSD and they pretended to know what that was but didn 't know where to get some , but we could get some lalalalala , don 't remember the name of it , a drug they said was like LSD and I said , great let 's go . Somehow in my high school French and their enthusiasm as they explained their house was out in the suburbs I agreed to go to the hotel and get my stuff and take it with us . We rode the train out of Paris to their house , this big empty house in a town up the train line . We walked about a block from the train to this huge brick house surrounded by a 10 foot brick fence . Inside the gate were trees and gardens before you got to the front door . I was a 17 year old girl hooked up and ready to party . I was no virgin . I was a 17 year old Southern California natural blond tanned girl with a dancer 's anorexic body but Polish curves - - I was hot and probably some kind of fantasy come true for these French guys , who already thought all American women were whores but a girl from Southern California ! But I was unaware of that . I was just natural in a sundress and sandals and little else sitting in this kitchen outside Paris drinking wine and eating something home cooked with these two French guys and then taking this drug . . . It was not anything at all like LSD . In fact I just fell asleep . When I woke up I was locked in a bedroom upstairs , groggy , they came in and fucked me over and over and then gave me more of the drug and that went on for a few days , I really don 't know how long . They came after me in the bathtub , they made me take the drug when I didn 't want it . The sex the first night may have been consensual but after a few days of being locked in the upstairs bedroom except when I was let out to take a bath and then they 'd be in there with me - - it was beginning to be a bad experience . I don 't think I even thought of the word rape . I was groggy . Finally one day strangely my door wasn 't locked so I was able to come to the tof the stairs , then tiptoe down a few steps , and listen to the two French guys having this animated conversation with two men with what seemed to be Arab accents . I peaked and the two new men were dark with Arab noses . The French guys were doing their Parisian French which was really hard for me to follow but I got it that they were describing me , how it felt to touch my skin , the Skin ! They kept repeating it , " le peau le teint . " And they talked about money . I shivered there on the stairs hoping they didn 't hear me , realizing " They 're going to sell me to the Arabs . " So I freaked . Got to get outta here . I listened longer , understood little more but enough to know the deal was done and I was going to Saudi Arabia in a few hours . Then they all left , without even checking on me , which was weird . Thinking back now I realize maybe they 'd been up in the bedroom earlier while I was drugged and knocked out looking at me and didn 't realize they hadn 't locked the door when they left , then didn 't want to make the Arab guys wait , so the French guys left without checking . Anyway , my door was unlocked , and I had to get out of that house now . I still had my big white suitcase and I still had to take all of my stuff with me . I lugged the suitcase down the stairs . Every window on the ground floor was nailed shut . I ran to the kitchen and all the doors of course were locked , except one , the door that led to the basement . So I dragged the huge white suitcase behind me down the narrow basement staircase in that old French country house . In the basement there was one small window just at ground level near the high ceiling . Beneath the window were these huge laundry basins like for washing sheets by hand a century ago . I could climb up these sinks and then crawl through the window . It was a tiny opening . I pulled myself through and then went to pull the suitcase through and get us to freedom . But the suitcase was too large . Remember I was a 17 year old girl from L . A . and I wasn 't going to leave behind all my clothes for these French freaks to keep so I pulled and pulled and pulled and the suitcase was just plain larger than the window . Then there was a BLLLLLLNNNNNNGGGG sound . It came with the wind through the trees . There are even angelic voices in the moment as I remember it today . Whatever happened the suitcase came through the window . The solid 1960s pre - plastic quality suitcase came through the old window which was surrounded by brick wall surrounded , and I was able to get out of there . I had to climb a tree and throw the suitcase over the fence then jump down myself . I scrambled in the direction I remembered the train station to be and got out of there before the French guys came back with the Arabs and probably would have sold me into some kind of white slavery and I wouldn 't have lived a lot more years . God looked down at me at age five being raped by that priest in the rectory of a Catholic Church and realized , this girl is going to have a lot of trouble in life . So he dispatched a couple of extra angels down to watch over me . And that 's how I got out of that situation and also so many others , but this story , the " time I almost got sold to the Arabs as a sex slave at age 17 " story , is the main reason I say it 's a wonder I made it to age 19 . There was a man at the train station that day when I escaped who I also now think of as an angel connected to that experience . I must have looked pretty disheveled , drugged , scared , shaking , but trying to act cool . The older guy sat next to me and I didn 't tell him at all what happened but he thought I needed help so asked something like well how much can you pay for a hotel . I told him how many American express travelers checks I had with me and he was amazed , and stopped reaching for his wallet . He said , well then go to the Hilton , hmm , the Paris Hilton , and I thought yeah good idea . I went downtown Paris checked into the Hilton paid with a couple of my checks , my parents had sent me with a wad of American Express checks . I was raised in benevolent neglect . It felt so good to feel the American - ness of the Paris Hilton , and on my way to my room I wanted to get a magazine . About all there was in English was an edition of Playboy . I went to my room and luxuriated and took a private bath and luxuriated in the bed with room service for a couple of nights , recovering from the " trauma " as we 'd call it today , alone at age 17 , achy from several days of involuntary sex . By age seven I was obese , one of those kids your heart goes out to because they sweat more and can move less and especially today we know that overeating like that is a sign of sexual trauma in children . I do remember the moment I decided to get fat . My atheist mom was giving me a bath around age 7 and noticed I 'd put on a few pounds . She said , " Oh Kathy , none of the boys are going to want to be with you if you get fat like that . " I proceeded to eat my way all the way to having to shop at Lane Bryant 's store for fat girls and stayed obese all the way until age 13 when I reached puberty . Then I suddenly remembered how much fun it had been to be sexually aroused . But by then the actual experiences with Father Horne were totally ingrained , deep inside . However the sexual monster was coming to the surface . I lost the weight at age 13 and as it happened , we had moved to New York for about a year . So I got to come back to San Marino , California , thin . I left the fat dumpy girl and came back slim and slinky . Well I still had those Polish curves . The boys before I went to New York would tease me and calling me " Tubby - Ebolino " because of my last name which is sort of like Ebolino . They would chant " Tubby Ebolino is a fat tangerine - o " and I 'd cry and keep eating and eating not understanding why . In New York I went on Metrecal and came back a year later to the same junior high school a size six and those same boys were now panting after me . Also I was now accepted with the more popular girls . We all sat near each other at an assembly one afternoon soon after I returned to the junior high school . The boys were sitting in front of us , and I was sitting with a row of the popular girls . I got so excited . In fact I had to get the boys ' attention . So I crouched down in my chair , lower and lower so my legs came off the seat , and let the skirt slide and slide up my legs as I spread them apart . Of course the boys in the row in front started to pay attention , so I continued to slide down in the seat and spread my legs wider and wider and like always with these things never being able to do enough so going wider and maybe gyrating a little . When it came to losing my virginity I was very clinical about it . I had this boyfriend Animal , a drummer in a rock band , and he wouldn 't do it with me because I was still a virgin . So I went over to one of his friend 's house , just showed up there one afternoon ditching high school , and seduced him very aggressively there in his little Pasadena bungalow . He was amazed after it was over saying , wow , usually virgin girls aren 't so aggressive , but I wasn 't even listening . I was packing up to go over and be with Animal ' cause now I wasn 't a virgin any more . One thing that is part of my experience and that plagues me and that permanently affected my personality is : My predator was also the priest who guided me into first communion . So he also taught me how to go to confession . He taught me to talk dirty to him in the confessional , and apparently over a time I got very good at it . Then we moved from Illinois to California and the new priest at my new church was so shocked when I went to confession that he ran out of the room with his eyes popping out of his head and pointed at me pointed at me pointed at me . . . So I have this rich filthy fantasy life in my head that was planted there by a holy priest in a holy sacrament in this oh so holy church that I don 't understand is still in business but that is a different story . I wonder if other people have experienced abuse at this level , particularly in the confessional , and isn 't this an entire new area to " approach " the church in that it is direct " Spritual Abuse " ? Perhaps we need a whole new kind of class action lawsuit . Still screwed up in L . A . Kay Kay , I don 't have that experience , but I 'm not surprised at all . The only curious thing that happened to me in confession was when another priest who was stationed in our parish said to me , " If someone makes you do something and you don 't know if its a sinner , then you haven 't sinned " I had no idea why he said that to me , because I was sure he didn 't know what was going on . As I matured I realized there was no other explanation . But , I too have residual effects from the abuse . It may not be a rich filthy fantasy world , but it is something ! Peace , S - - - * * * * " It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator . All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing . He appeals to the universal desire to see , hear and speak no evil . The victim , on the contrary , asks the bystander to share the burden of pain . The victim demands action , engagement and remembering . " - Judy Herman * * * * Perhaps no other form of abuse cuts as deep as abuse connected with Confession . In Confession , we were supposed to be vulnerable . To have either the venue itself or the contents of your Confession used as weapons of abuse leaves one completely lacking in any confidence in church authority to seek one 's spiritual interests . It 's quite one thing when an authority figure uses those under his charge ; but to do so in the context of the " Holy " leaves one lacking in any trust whatsoever . The Baltimore Catechism used to talk about the unpardonable " Sin against the Holy Spirit " : a condition wherein the soul becomes so hardened that even the mention of the things of God repel the soul , making reconciliation with God chronically impossible . Such is the context in which many wounded souls simply walk away from God in horror . What that famous Vatican document commanding that people keep sexual abuse secret under pain of excommunication , at http : / / www . bishop - accountability . org / resources / resource - files / churchdocs / CrimenEnglish . pdf , is really about , is " solicitation " during confession . That document begins , " The crime of solicitation takes place when a priest tempts a penitent , whoever that person is , either in the act of sacramental confession , whether before or immediately afterwards , whether on the occasion or the pretext of confession , whether even outside the times for confession in the confessional or [ in a place ] other than that usually designated for the hearing of confessions or [ in a place ] chosen for the simulated purpose of hearing a confession . " The confessional is clearly is a place where abuse would be particularly abusive . Sure , this document talks about some sexual abuse which wouldn 't involve the confessional . This mentions sex " with brute animals ( bestiality ) , " and I doubt that what the writers had in mind was that during a confession , the priest would arrange with the parishioner that he bring his big dog to the rectory soon . Yet that document still clearly stresses the opportunities for abuse that the confessional would give . I am not Catholic , and I am very ignorant of all aspects of the religion . I take it that at this is supposed to be Holy time and that as a Catholic , your priest is an instrumental , central , integral part of you connection to God , and the forgiveness of your sins . And that the priest represents the Lord , and can be trusted completely . If that is close to the way it is , and the child is old enough to appreciate these facts at the time they are molested , it is indeed an exponential aggrivation of what is already an abominable sin . I thought I could trust my perp because even though he told me he was the janitor , and the priest at his church trusted him enough to let him live there . ( he was the priest btw ) So he must be tight with God . I was 16 , I know that many Catholics were much younger when they were molested . My heart just goes out to anyone who was molested period , let alone by clergy , let alone as a child . For it to be aggrivated by the crime being commited during a holy ritual . . . . . As a non Catholic MG , your post has illuminated for me how this can impact Catholic child to even a greater degree . I 'm not comparing here , saying somebodys experience was any worse or than anyone elses or anything . I 'm just sorry it happened to you and so many others this way . Yes ! ! ! Now I know why I come here to message boards . AZ wrote : " I take it that . . a priest is an instrumental , central , integral part of your connection to God , and the forgiveness of your sins . . . . it ( Confessional abuse ) is indeed an exponential aggravation of what is already an abominable sin . " YES ! ! And that wasn 't all Father Horne did to me , just a part . In the confessional Father Horne ( or as I like to call him Father Horne - y ) did something more , weird , he taught me to talk dirty to him . I guess he taught me his own sexual fantasies and coached me so I knew how to repeat them back to him . Then in his little enclosed room and me in another enclosed room next to him , he 'd listen as I talked . And to me I was still going to Confession because to be honest once the priest shared his fantasies with me they became my fantasies too , so I confessed them as " impure thoughts " and you can see how this is self perpetuating . And how seamless is the stream from sex crime to spiritual crime , if there even is a category in law for spiritual crime . If there isn 't there should be . It would take a team of professionals to figure out how many ways this abuse of the Sacrament of Confession harmed me . The point is the church needs to acknowledge this can happen and prevent it from happening even if it means opening up those little confessional rooms or in some other way getting rid of secrecy . Secrecy may give us privacy but it also breeds corruption and deceipt .
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It had been 25 years since the Time Gear incident . Everything had remained peaceful . Temporal Tower was rebuilt , Darkrai had been arrested , and life continued as usual . Since then , however , many things had happened all over Treasure Town and the Pokemon Planet . Wigglytuff had since retired from his title as Guild Master , but has been replaced by his spontaneous , adventurous , and caring daughter , Azumarill . Chatot is still at the guild , but has gotten older , the oldest one there , in fact . Besides him , however , all the other members had since graduated or left , except for Chimecho . She continues to make delicious dinners and run the Assembly . Team PokePals , the team that saved the world twice 25 years previous , are still on the go and have become the most Famous Team in history . The Team includes the once - human Blaziken , who has a special ability called the " Dimensional Scream " that lets him see the past or future when he touches something sometimes . His name is Carl . It was also known that you cannot activate this ability without a partner . The partner who has been with Carl since the beginning , is a Torterra named Terry . Together , they had found more treasure , rescued more Pokemon , and explored more Mystery Dungeons than any other Team . 3 years before this story begins , a red gem randomly fell from the sky , along with 6 more within the next 24 hours . These were known as the Colour Gems , one for each colour of the Rainbow . They came from the previous planet that contained them , and give the entire Universe its colour . The Pokemon didn 't know it , but the reason this happened was that something disastrous happened over on the other planet . The gems were hidden in separate areas , like in a volcano or a lake . Now we come to the present . Meet Mira the Piplup , one of this story 's heroines ! " Hey Everyone ! I 'm Mira , and - " she greeted the Audience , ultimately breaking the fourth wall . " Whoops ! Sorry . Better get back to the story . " Mira had always wanted to be an Exploration Team . Team PokePals had been her role models for as long as she could remember . They inspired her to explore and becomes a hero . There was one problem , though . " Oh hi Tepig ! " she said happily to the Fire Pig Pokemon while walking near the Kecleon Shop . " I 've always wanted to be on an Exploration Team ! And I thought you may want to , too ! So I was wondering if you wanted to join me ! " " No , because you talk way too much , " he responded to Mira 's question rudely . It was true , though . She had always been a chatterbox , and blurted stuff out . Mira was ready to give up on her dream . She had pretty much asked everyone in town , with the same answer every time . She would have to either change her personality or not join a Team . She didn 't want to do either of them . However , earlier that day , while no one was there , a portal popped up near the entrance of Treasure Town . From it , was an Eevee . It lay down unconscious on a smooth rock , by a small waterfall . The waterfall just happened to be the place where Mira goes to redeem herself , and relieve any stress she may have . And she was heading there right now . She may not know it yet , but an epic adventure was about to begin . Author 's Note 's : Sorry if the prologue was too short . Used Arial , Size 12 on Microsoft Word , and went OVER a page , but it seemed shorter than other Prologues of other FanFics . Again , this is my very first FanFic , so it may not be as good as others on SPPF . But I hope you still enjoy ! Posts 278 Just stopping by here really . The rainbow has seven colors . Not six . Red , Orange , Yellow , Green , Blue , Indigo , and Violet . ROY - G - BIV is the common memorization term . Just stopping by here really . The rainbow has seven colors . Not six . Red , Orange , Yellow , Green , Blue , Indigo , and Violet . ROY - G - BIV is the common memorization term . Whoops ! Forgot about Indigo ( It wasn 't ever that popular or well known , so I often forget about it ) . Thanks for pointing that out . Will go fix it . Posts 340 Ah ! Shiny , you didn 't tell me you were making a fan - fic ! This sounds pretty good with the ingenious idea of including another planet . . . put me on the PM list ! Ah ! Shiny , you didn 't tell me you were making a fan - fic ! This sounds pretty good with the ingenious idea of including another planet . . . put me on the PM list ! Sadness had spread all over Mira 's face . The realization of her having to either change herself or give up on her dream was heart - breaking to her . She never wanted to do either at all . The Piplup sat down on the rocky ledge , and stared into the falling water , blue feathers shifting in the breeze . It was a beautiful day , but it wasn 't so sunny inside her . The sound of the water plunging down relieved a little , but it wasn 't enough . Will I ever fulfill my dream ? she thought sadly to herself . That was when Mira spotted something strange in the reflection of the waterfall . It was lumpy and a lighter shade of brown than the rocks in the area . She turned around . Sure enough , the brown lump was there . The Piplup decided to investigate . As she got closer , she noticed that it was furry . Mira got even closer , only to be horrified to see an Eevee , lying there , and unconscious . The Piplup started to panic . " An unconscious Eevee ! What happened to it ? It needs help ! How is it gonna get help ? AAH ! " she yelped . Then she stopped . " Hey , wait a minute . I know what to do ! " Mira ran as fast as she could back to town . She kept going , running past tents and wooden houses until she reached a small shop run by two Chameleon - like Pokemon : The Kecleon Shop . " I 'm sorry , but it 's an emergency ! " Mira yelled again . " I 'll give you the money when I get back . OK ? " Mira was hot on her heels once again , racing back to the Eevee . Going past the boundaries of Treasure Town , then over to the spot where the Pokemon was . It was still there . Good . Now I can hopefully get it back to health , she thought . First , Mira grabbed a slightly bowl - like rock , and dipped it into the pool of water , so she could obtain some . Then , she took a small , yet bulky rock , and crushed the White Gummi and Oran Berry together on the ground with the said rock . She finally put the powdered items into the bowl of water , and stirred it . Once the mix became sort of pasty , Mira poured it into the Pokemon 's mouth . She learned about this paste in First - Aid class , but the type of Gummi depends on what Pokemon you were dealing with . Turns out her First - Aid experience paid off , as the Eevee slowly regained consciousness . She slowly opened her eyes , and Mira was the first thing she saw . " Phew ! I 'm glad you 're OK , " the Piplup said in relief . But the other Pokemon wasn 't OK at all . In fact , she screamed . Mira was confused . " Uh , what ? " she said , confused as ever . " All Pokemon can talk . You did it too … " " WHAT ? ! ? ! I 'm not a Pokemon . I 'm a human ! " the Eevee exclaimed . The Eevee was obviously confused . " What are you - " she was saying , until she looked down . She saw a furry collar and small brown paws . " Hold on a second . " She ran over to the pool of water , the best she could get to replace a mirror , and looked into it . The Piplup was right . Reflected back was a brown , furry face , with long ears . She started to panic . The Eevee listened to the Penguin , and stopped , but still breathed heavily . " OK , so besides the fact that you were Human before , do you remember anything ? " Mira asked . The Eevee thought this over . " W - Well , no … except my name , " she stuttered . " My name … is Trish . I 'm sure of it . " " I 'm Marina , but everyone calls me Mira , " the Piplup introduced herself . " It 's nice to meet you . " The two shook hands . " Help ! Help ! " It shouted , until they saw that it was coming from a yellow , mouse - like Pokemon with red cheeks , known as Pikachu , rushing past . " Wait ! " Mira yelled , getting the Pikachu 's attention . From its tail , Trish could see that it was a female , as there was a dent in it . " What 's wrong ? " " Well , he wanted to go to Serenity River , but my mother said no to that , " Pikachu explained . " He could 've run off there ! Who knows how much danger he 's in ? " " Don 't worry ! Me and Trish will rescue him ! " Mira exclaimed , pulling Trish over . " Great ! Let 's go , then ! " Mira shouted quickly , pulling Trish along . " What ? No ! I didn 't sign up for this ! " the Eevee yelled as Mira took her in the direction of the river . Calms should be calmed , as it is in the wrong tense . Also , I think the story could use a bit more description . . . ? There 's a lot of dialogue going on there . Other than that , I like it . No , love it ! Keep it up , ShinyLugia101 ! Calms should be calmed , as it is in the wrong tense . Also , I think the story could use a bit more description . . . ? There 's a lot of dialogue going on there . Other than that , I like it . No , love it ! Keep it up , ShinyLugia101 ! " Umm , excuse me , what 's - your - face ? " Trish asked the blue - feathered penguin Pokemon that was dragging her across a grassy plain . She was amazed that the Pokemon could carry her this far , as Eevee were known to be a little bit heavier than Piplup . " Oh , yes . Me and my family goes there all the time , " Mira explained . " Actually , it should come into view anytime now . " Sure enough , the two soon came to a ledge . Looking over it , there was a majestic river , which reflected the sky like a mirror . Multiple cattail - like plants stuck out from the sides . A stone path lay beside the river , leading to a marsh - like area . " We should take the stairs , " Trish suggested , pointing toward the stone staircase to the left of them . But then , Mira 's Piplup instincts told her to kick in those two left feet most Piplup have , and trip . As Mira was still clinging onto the furry , brown , foxlike Pokemon , Trish came tumbling down with her . One minute , Trish and Mira were looking at the beautiful scenery of Serenity River , the next ; they were falling off a ledge , at risk of plunging into it . Fortunately , the mud surrounding the river slowed them down and prevented them from a watery disaster , but they were now in a muddy one . Trish shook the mud out of her fur . Mira did the same with her feathers . She then took something that was hanging around her neck , and scrubbed the mud off of that . Trish never noticed it before , but now that she looked at it , it was a necklace with a wooden charm . Indented in the round block of wood were three small gems : One that was blue , one that was light pink , and one that was yellow . The gems were all surrounding one larger gem , this one as clear as crystal . " Hey Mira ? Where did you get that necklace ? " Trish asked the Piplup once she was done polishing the necklace Trish was referring to . " You mean this ? " Mira said , holding up the peculiar accessory . " My mom gave it to me for my twelfth birthday , which was a bit over 2 years ago . She travels a lot . Anyway , do you know how old you are ? I 'm fourteen . " " Well , I 'm pretty sure I 'm fifteen , so a year older than you ? " the Eevee said , thinking a bit before answering . " But enough chitchat . Don 't we have a Pichu to save ? " Mira gasped . " I almost forgot that that was the reason we came ! " she exclaimed , before facepalming herself . " Come on , Trish ! " And with that , the two new friends followed the stone path into the marsh , with Mira saying , " Just so you , with me , there 's no such thing as ' Enough Chitchat ' . " The voyage through the River 's marsh went off to a good start , as Trish and Mira found the first two " stairways " fairly easily . But at B3F , a blue water fish Pokemon , with purple feelers on its cheeks , also known as a Wooper , appeared out of nowhere and attacked ! Mira sent out a Pound attack , by giving a large slap to the Pokemon . Trish just stood there , rooted to the ground . " Congratulations ! You used a Tackle Attack ! " Mira said , a bit on the sarcastic side . As soon as she said this , however , the Wooper suddenly disappeared in a puff a smoke . Trish , a bit creeped out by this , stuttered , " W - w - what j - just … " " Yeah , that happens whenever a Pokemon faints , " Mira explained , knowing exactly what the Eevee was going to say . " But where they go , exactly ? That has always been a mystery . No one knows ! " Three Lotad , two Wooper , two Poliwag and one Masquerain later , the two Pokemon reached the missing Pichu . He somehow got tangled up in some cattails . " Heave ! " Mira shouted , as they were pulling on some of the plants . Mira and Trish pulled and pulled , and then there efforts paid off , when the cattails snapped off . Pichu jumped out toward the girls . " Thank you ! " he shouted . When Trish , Mira , and Pichu got out of the marsh , however , a Pokemon was waiting for them . It was bird Pokemon that had a dark grey head with a music note shape sticking out it . It had colouful body feathers , consisting of yellow , green , and blue . It had a red beak and yellow talons , plus a white ruff of feathers around its neck . It also had a dark grey , metronome - like like tail . It looked a bit old , and Trish imagined that it if was younger , its colours would be more vibrant . " You have completed the test with flying colours . Congrats ! " He exclaimed with a smile . AN : It was so easy to describe Chatot for some reason . Once again , please enjoy this chapter ! Point out any mistakes I 've made . Posts 147 I 've been reading this for while and it 's ok . One thing you could do is be a little more descriptive about the dungeons , battles and such . Remember , try to place everything together and let it make sense . I don 't see any mistakes this chapter , but I guess that 's cuz I was reading too quickly : P . Keep up the good work ! I 've been reading this for while and it 's ok . One thing you could do is be a little more descriptive about the dungeons , battles and such . Remember , try to place everything together and let it make sense . I don 't see any mistakes this chapter , but I guess that 's cuz I was reading too quickly : P . Keep up the good work ! Thanks Garch0mp ! If there 's one thing I 'm not that good at , it 's describing things in full detail . I 'll try my best at working on that , though ! Posts 263 Thanks Leafy . I 'll try to keep that in mind for future chapters . But what do you mean by " Describing one thing in particular " ? Posts 526 This has the potential to be even better ( not saying its bad , its great ) , but it seems a little fast paced . Trish just was turned into a Pokemon and is suddenly rescueing a Pichu with a Piplup she just met . Maybe she could show some more emotion or . . . I 'm not really good with reviews , sorry . This is a great story ; I absolutely love PMD fics . Take the advice of the people above me , it 'll help . I wonder where you will take the rainbow gems in the plot . Glad to see that Chatot is still at the guild , but why is he at Serenity River ? Hmmm , questions , questions . " I can explain , " the Piplup began . " About a week ago , I was given an offer to join the Town 's Guild . It 's called Wigglytuff 's Guild , but Wigglytuff has since retired . I guess you can call it ' Azumarill 's Guild ' now , but that isn 't official . Anyhow , I had the choice to go by myself , or to go with someone else . You see , I didn 't really want to go by myself , plus my parents hated the idea of going off into Mystery Dungeons by myself , so that was out of the question . I attempted to find a partner , but most of the others refused to join because they were too busy or because I talked too much . See ? I 'm talking too much right now . " " I was just about to give up on the possibility of a lifetime , when I found you , Trish , unconscious . I attempted to save your life , which worked by the way . You didn 't seem to care that I talked a lot , and you had amnesia , so the only thing you 'd be busy with is to find out what happened to you . Then Pikachu came and asked for help , we saved Pichu , and then we came here to find Chatot . Beats me why he 's here . " Chatot let out a small chuckle . " Kecleon told me that you rushed to his shop earlier today in an emergency . So we got Pikachu to spy on you two , " Chatot said , as the Pikachu from before came up to them from behind him . Both Trish and Mira raised an eyebrow at her . " After we heard that Mira possibly found someone to form a team with , we set up the test , to see if you 're worthy of joining the Guild . And you are ! " Chatot exclaimed . " Whoa whoa whoa , " Trish suddenly interrupted . " What do you mean by , ' forming a team ' ? How does this affect me ? And … . why exactly did you get someone to spy on us ? " Pichu , who had been silent for a while , suddenly spoke up . " I can answer the first question , " he said . " By a Team , we mean an Exploration Team . Exploration Teams go through the Mystery Dungeons scattered around the world in hopes to find treasure and discover hidden secrets . They also help the community often , by rescuing other Pokemon and capturing outlaws . " " Well , I know you 've had a long few hours and that you have little to no recollection of your memory , " the Piplup explained . " But , I was wondering if you 'd like to form an Exploration Team with me . It 's not like you have that much elsewhere to stay … " Trish thought this over . She 's right . I don 't really have anywhere else to go , the Eevee thought . But it was so random and the fact that she had to make a decision then and there , she couldn 't really make up her mind . " Uh , well … " " PPPLLLEEEAAASSSEEE ? ! ? ! " Mira begged , dropping onto her knees and looking up to Trish with the sad puppy eyes . Sadly , the sad puppy eyes where one of her weak spots . " Oh , all right then , " Trish finally said after reluctantly looking at those sad , sad puppy eyes for too long . Mira suddenly let out a big , " Yippee ! " and a victory dance , in which everyone else there backed up a bit , and slowly . " I came here to congratulate you on the test , which was to rescue Pichu , " Chatot explained to Trish , and failed to explain to Mira . He seemed to be back to his cheerful self . " That 's exactly what I 'm saying , " the Music Note Pokemon replied . " I took him to the deepest part of Serenity River instead of making him go in alone , so he wouldn 't get hurt , and then wrapped him in those cattails . I told him that , if you were to fail to get him out , there was a low - lying cattail that he could pull and become set free . " " Hurry up guys ! Stop being such Slowpokes ! " Mira yelled from the base steps of the Guild . The others were just getting to the gates of Treasure Town . Slowly , they came up to the Piplup , huffing and wheezing . " I do ? " Mira thought out loud , trying to remember . Then she did . " Right ! I got to go pay for my stuff ! Thanks Chatot ! " She then , once again , ran off to town with a cloud of dust behind her , while everyone else collapsed to the ground . " KECLEON ! " Mira yelled from across town , until she reached the shop that the mentioned Pokemon worked at . " I 'm sorry that I took so long , but I have come to pay for the stuff that I bought . " Mira reached out her hand and placed something in Kecleon 's . " There you go ! " she exclaimed . " 825 poke ! " Directly after saying this , she happily ran off once again . " WHAT ? ! ? ! " he shouted , but then stopped . " No , I 'm not in the mood of chasing Pokemon or holding a grudge . I 'll let it slip today . " When she heard the sound of fast - paced footsteps and dust being thrown into the air , Trish knew that her Piplup friend was coming in her direction . " I ' M BACK ! " Mira happily yelled . " You all rested and ready to go to the Guild ? " " Good , ' cause now we have to go up the stairs ! " Mira exclaimed , and then quickly started to go up the staircase beside her . Trish looked at the Piplup , then up , and then gasped . There seemed to be at least 500 stairs to climb , probably more than that . The top almost touched the sky . Remember what I said about being glad that Chatot was still at the guild ? I take it back . I now recall how irritable he was in the games ; I feel pity for Mira and Trish , beacuse now they have to deal with him . I have officially claimed Castform , The Master of all Weather ! Monorpale is my favorite Gen 6 Pokemon so far . If you have a problem with it , you can talk to the tassel hand . Posts 263 * facepalm * I don 't know why , but recently , I keep placing the periods AFTER the quotation marks . Thanks for pointing that out Leafy . I 'll go fix that . Trish was slowly , but steadily , making her way up the steps to Wigglytuff 's Guild . She was about halfway to the top , while Mira and Chatot were almost there , thanks to Mira 's excitement and Chatot 's ability to fly . Trish was getting tired . Trish moaned . " Ugh … . . Thanks a lot , Mira , " she said , not at all happy . However , Mira was nowhere to be seen . " Mira ? Where did you go ? " Suddenly , Trish heard a muffled shout from directly underneath her . She got up , only to find Mira the Piplup , who had face planted into the ground . Mira rolled onto her back and looked up at her friend , who seemed partly worried about her from getting her face smushed , and partly angry at her for causing her to fall down the stairs she tried so hard to climb . " I think I 'm good , " Mira replied , then she shook her head feathers to get the dirt out of them and to fluff them up slightly . She then quickly stood up . " Sorry about that . I 'll walk right beside you this time . Does that sound good ? " About twenty minutes later , a brown paw slowly , but surely , touched the top step of the mountain . Then , Mira suddenly popped up from beside it and pulled up on it , revealing Trish . Mira gently placed her on the ground . " A true Exploration Team doesn 't tire easily or talk back , " Chatot stated . The two then started to stare angrily at each other , and kept giving each other dark looks for a good three minutes or so . That was when Mira broke the silence . " Guys , stop the Staring Contest and let 's get the show on the road ! " Mira exclaimed , walking toward the Guild 's entrance . It was then that Trish had her first good look at the guild . It was a tent , with a plain brown bottom and a Wigglytuff 's head on top . Fire pits and totem poles surrounded the tent , and a cliff being directly behind it . However , the opening of the tent was blocked off by an iron gate . " Ahem ! Let the expert show you how it 's done , " Chatot said , flying toward a wooden grate . Trish stared angrily at him . She knew that they had a special hatred for each other . " WHO ' S FOOTPRINT ? WHO ' S FOOTPRINT ? " another voice , a gruff one , shouted . " That , my friend , are the guild 's guards doing sentry duty , " Mira replied . " THE FOOTPRINT IS CHATOT ' S ! THE FOOTPRINT IS CHATOT ' S ! " said the voice from earlier . Chatot then stepped aside . " THE FOOTPRINT IS … . . UHH … . . umm …… " The high - pitched voice sounded confused . " SANDSHREW ! WHO ' S FOOTPRINT IS IT ? ! ? ! " the gruff voice said sternly . " NOT ANYMORE ! WE ' RE GOING TO LET YOU IN NOW ! " The gruff voice answered . Within moments , the Iron Gate started to go up , and an underground tunnel appeared . " Cool ! " Mira said in awe . " What are you guys waiting for ? Let 's go ! " Chatot exclaimed , flying down the tunnel . Mira followed , and excitedly slid down the wooden ladder . " This place is amazing ! ! ! " Mira exclaimed when the trio stepped onto the first floor of the Guild . The place had Exploration Teams all over the place . A Chimecho was running something in the corner of the room , and job requests were posted on two bulletin boards . Besides that , it was quite empty , with no chairs or anything of that sort . However , there was this unexplainable vibe in the air that could cause anyone to be in a good mood . " The Guildmistress ' Quarters are on the second floor , " the Music Note Pokemon explained . " Follow me , and don 't do anything rash . " He gave a certain look to Trish , like that last part was meant for her . Trish returned the gesture , and went down second ladder , right behind him and Mira . Posts 340 Attention : The reader is extremely disliking Chatot at this point . I always got mad at Chatot while playing PMD2 , especially when he blamed me for the Perfect Apple Accident . >.< Anyways , this chapter was great , as usual . Not much happened , but it 's a start for the long missions to come . Their first rescue should be fun to write . The character development in the near future can go several different ways , and I 'm excited to see which path it takes ! This chapter was decent , not much happening really . They show up at the Guild with Chatot . ( Am I the only one who voted for him in the most favorite character poll ? )
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by Donna L . Watkins © Donna L . Watkins - Northern FlickerThe Word of God is a living Word . Psalm 119 says that the Word makes me wiser than my enemies , cleanses , strengthens , delights , teaches , saves , comforts , directs and gives understanding . What a resource ! What other book do we truly need ? God 's Word is enough for us ! Do we consider His Word real and living ? If we had a person who would be able to give us all these promises and make these things happen in our lives , wouldn 't we feel like we 'd found our own version of a genie ? God 's promises are ours , but we have to accept them and place them into our lives . When somebody gives us a gift , we have to reach out and accept it and we then have to " find a place " for it in our home . God offers us so many promises and all we need do is reach out for them and take them and then appropriate them into our lives . It takes time to maintain what you own . Many gifts we 've taken have required labor during ownership . A decor item requires dusting and time to consider proper placement . A book or magazine requires time to read it . Clothing must be washed , dried , ironed , and storage space must be given to it . The Word is alive and powerful and able to perform great things in our lives , but we have to take time for it . We have to find the " perfect gift " [ the appropriate Scripture ] for our troubled mind and for the situation . Then when we take that gift , we have to spend time applying it to our lives . We have to come against the thoughts that are causing us to worry and be troubled . We use the Word as a sword against those thoughts ! Our health cannot get better if we are worrying and hold anxiety in our lives . Disease comes in with stress , anxiety and worry . We were not made for it so the body begins to break down under it . The world tells us there are lots of things deserving of our worry , but as you 've read many times before , we worry over things we cannot control . For adults who are supposed to have " grown up , " this doesn 't sound like a very mature choice for use of our time a0 A myriad of petroleum - based chemicals go into the manufacture of plastics . Some can leach into food and drinks and possibly impact human health . Leaching increases when plastic comes in contact with oily or fatty foods , during heating and from old or scratched plastic . Types of plastics shown to leach toxic chemicals are polycarbonate , PVC and styrene . Bisphenol A ( BPA ) , a chemical that mimics the action of the human hormone estrogen , can leach from polycarbonate plastic . Human exposure to BPA is widespread . A Centers for Disease Control study detected BPA in the urine of 95 percent of adults sampled . Scientists have measured BPA in the blood of pregnant women , in umbilical cord blood and in the placenta , all at levels demonstrated in animals to alter development . Hormones stimulate certain cancers . Bisphenol A has been found to stimulate prostate cancer cells and causes breast tissue changes that resemble early stages of breast cancer . One study found an association between ovarian dysfunction and higher levels of BPA in urine . For more detailed information on this topic , download a fact sheet published in October 2005 from the Institute for Agriculture and Trade Policy . by Donna L . Watkins © Donna L . Watkins - Male Northern FlickerOur outlook on life can determine life or death for us according to the research presented below . I 've had a lot of health challenges in my life and I know that my optimistic attitude has allowed me to fare much better than many I come across with the same health problems . This year I 've gotten a glimpse of where I got some of that optimism and determination . My father has had a series of operations this year and on each one he was released earlier than expected and bounced back so well the doctors were amazed . Family members were stunned at the constitution of this man . In December he went in for an angiogram and they kept him for triple bypass surgery . They discovered colon cancer . He recouped from the bypass and three months later went in for the colon surgery which was successful without chemo or radiation . After two months of wearing a temporary bag to give the colon time to heal , they opened him again to re - connect the intestine . He 's now recovered from that surgery also . From the beginning of these surgeries he 's known that he had to have surgery for an aneurysm which was to be scheduled this month and in the process of tests along the way they informed him he would need to have carotid artery surgery also . It 's been a year of doctors and hospitals but his determination to get through the hurdle and onto the rest of his life has been an inspiration to many . We have to choose how we are going to think . There are medical costs for pessimism , and corresponding benefits from optimism . For example , 122 men who had their first heart attack were evaulated on their degree of optimism or pessimism . Eight years later , of the 25 most pessimistic men , 21 had died ; of the 25 most optimistic men , only 6 had died . Their mental outlook proved a better indicator of survival than any medical risk factor , including the amount of damage to the heart in the first attack , artery blockage , cholesterol level , or blood pressure . And in other research , patients going int0 Living more simply is a great way to effect change in your own personal environment . It helps the planet also . The Frugal Life website has lots of ideas on getting back to basics . They also have a free newsletter written to encourage families wanting to stretch their dollars . It includesarticles or tidbits on topics such as : finance , decorating , gardening , and household tips from subscribers and questions from the website forum . I may be a bit partial since my husband is the editor . Subscribe here . From Cheryl Faulkenburry , Animal Behavior ExpertCenter Hill School . Question : Listening to the plight of all the animals after Katrina , I 'm worried about my own animals if a disaster should ever strike our area . Is there anything that I can do to be more prepared ? Answer : It 's always good to be prepared in case of any emergency . Most people think of preparing for their family , but they often overlook the needs of their furry family . Make sure you have three days of food and water set aside for your pets . Put any medications , a leash , collar , toys , treats , and copies of vaccination records in a Ziploc bag and keep with the food . Include written instructions for the care of your pet - type and amount of food , medication amounts ( if any ) , their normal routine ( how often they go potty , what they like to play , etc . ) , and emergency numbers for people in your area as well as outside of your area who may be able to care for your pets in an emergency . Check with your local Administration Office and see if there is a disaster plan in place that includes pets . If at all possible , it 's a good idea to bring a crate and the emergency kit that you 've set aside so all the instructions are with the animal as well as their shot records . Always make sure your animals have ID tags on their collars . Evacuation shelters are set up only during a " Declared Disaster , " not during every storm . Stay tuned to your radio to find out if there is a declared disaster in your area when storms approach . Also have a list of animal - friendly hotels or friends houses outside of your area where you can evacuate with your animals if needed . You may want to leave before an evacuation is required to avoid the last minute rush and decrease the stress on everyone involved . If you have a destination set up ahead of time , you will know exactly where to go and can calmly take your family to safety where you can all stay together until the dangers pass . Take the time to plan and care for your family . Remember that an emergency may not only be a naturalcomments by Donna L . Watkins © Donna L . Watkins - WrenI 've lived most of my life . . . thinking about . . . planning for . . . worrying over the future ! It 's easier to get away with doing this rather than thinking about and worrying over the past . It 's obvious we can 't change the past , so we can easily see how much of a waste it is to dwell in the past , but dwelling in the future is just as wasteful . Maybe people who like to be in control of things dwell on the future , assuming if they think and plan and ponder it long enough they can get exactly what they want out of it . Actually most of the thoughts , plans and worries are based on the past - not making the same mistakes or not doing what somebody else in your family has done . The past is something we definitely can 't change , but how we respond to it is a big choice of who we become in this life . There are plenty of books to tell you how to get what you want out of life . . . as if life is about getting what you want . When has that ever consistently happened for any human being ? Seems like a futile purpose to me . I do believe that having plans and hopes and dreams are good for us , but we must hold them lightly as Christians because our ultimate desire should be to be more Christ - like and that is the ultimate end to our purpose on earth . Our real life is in eternity . That 's where all the fulfillment and rewards will come . Don 't let the television and magazine advertising make you believe it 's all about YOU and making this life what you want of it . If we have given our life to God , we are to let go of control and walk in the steps of Jesus . We can surely affect the future by the choices we make based on our past . How we respond to events in our past can determine what we may be able to get out of the future . Circumstances will sometimes cause people to make vows . " I 'll never be like . . . " " Nobody is going to ever be able to hurt me like that again . " " I 'm not going to make any more mistakes and my life will be perfect . " " My family is not going to be like the one I grew up in . " " Every0 by Donna L . Watkins © Donna L . Watkins - Eastern Tiger SwallowtailWith Father 's Day just having passed , I know many hearts and minds have been focused on their fathers of this world . For some that is a joyous event , but for many it 's a very heartbreaking and soul - stirring time . We have many promises in The Word . They are there to guide us , give us hope , and give us direction in how to attain them . There are many " if " clauses in the Bible . If you do this . . . you get this . Sometimes we claim a Scripture but fail to read the " if clause " before it . I love the Psalms of David . Psalms offers a lot of comfort because David went through some pretty tough times in his life and yet he kept his heart close to God and God was close to him . Read the following from Psalm 112 . Feel and experience the promise and hope in them . " Praise ye the Lord . Blessed is the man that feareth the Lord , that delighteth greatly in His commandments . His seed shall be mighty upon earth : the generation of the upright shall be blessed . Wealth and riches shall be in his house : and his righteousness endureth for ever . Unto the upright there ariseth light in the darkness : he is gracious , and full of compassion , and righteous . A good man sheweth favour , and lendeth : he will guide his affairs with discretion . Surely he shall not be moved for ever : the righteous shall be in everlasting remembrance . He shall not be afraid of evil tidings : his heart is fixed , trusting in the Lord . " ( Psalms 112 : 1 - 7 ) I want my heart fixed . I want those promises for my seed and I definitely need that light in the dark areas of my life . So I seek to understand what " feareth the Lord " means . I want to know Him . I want to delight in His commandments because they are life . Strong 's Concordance says the definition of this Hebrew word , feareth , means : " to fear , to revere , be afraid , reverence . Many people don 't want to think of God with fear . They think of their earthly fathers and some people lived in fear their whole childhood , so they want to see a loving God . That 's understanda0 by Michael D . Jacobson , D . O . ( Prepared for the International Center for Biblical Counseling of Indiana ) Galatians 5 : 22 states , " the fruit of the Spirit is love , joy , peace , long - suffering ( patience in hard circumstances ) , gentleness , goodness , faith , meekness , temperance ( self - control ) : against such there is no law . " Did you notice that one of the fruits of the Spirit is PEACE ? Is your heart at complete peace ? Or are your emotions up and down , better characterized by anxiety , worry , or , the more commonly used term nowadays : stress ? If you answered ' yes ' to the latter part of the question , then don 't feel alone , That is the reality for many of today 's Christians . In fact , anxiety and stress have characterized my personal life as well . That is , until the last few years . . . I used to wonder why it was my emotions and character so often differed drastically from those which are listed as the fruit of the Spirit . This was despite the fact that I had been a Christian since my youth , had attended Bible college for two years , and , through Christ , had a personal relationship with my Heavenly Father , even seeking His face each day through prayer and Scripture . I would read other passages , like Philippians 4 : 7 , where it reads , " And the peace of God , which passeth all understanding , shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus . " Or , Isaiah 26 : 3 , which states , " Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace , whose mind is stayed on Thee : because he trusteth in Thee . " There seemed to be such a difference between my personal state and that which was supposed to be my condition in Christ . Why ? Allow me to share what God used to change me and to allow me to experience the freedom in Christ which should have been mine all along . Perhaps it will be a help to you , too . Seeing Life From God 's Frame of Reference : The Critical Need for a Renewed Mind The book of Ephesians affirms that as believers in Jesus Christ , we are " blessed . . . with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in Christ " ( 1 : 3 ) , we have " redemption through His blood , the0 by Donna L . Watkins © Donna L . Watkins - Pileated Woodpecker At SuetThe medical world admits that 75 % to 85 % of all disease is stress - related . That would make most diseases emotionally rooted , wouldn 't it ? If God tells us to be " anxious for nothing . " Should we be ? Can He bless us if we continue to disobey without even a heart to make an effort to change ? Do we believe the world 's " go - go / run - run " instead of Him . . . and thereby reap the consequences of it ? If God gives us a command should we obey it ? If we do not , aren 't there natural consequences ? So when we beg God for healing and it doesn 't come . . . is it because we have " asked " to be sick and weak ? In Deuteronomy God gave a choice of being blessed or being cursed . Do we make the choices for the curses and expect the blessings ? Is God 's Word true and is He unchangeable - the same today , yesterday and tomorrow ? Scripture tells us that He will show mercy where He will show mercy , so there can always be exceptions , but basically as I see it , He has set the world up and it works the way He ordained it to do so . As Pastor Henry Wright puts it in the book , A More Excellent Way , " It isn 't that God cannot heal , it 's an issue that He can 't do it without denying His own holiness and giving us a leavened gospel that would say we can keep our sin and receive His blessings . " I 've been reading Dean Ornish 's book , Love and Intimacy , which mentions all the research that has been done with heart disease , and other health issues , and the link between relationships and the emotional side of health . When they studied this , all of the " environmental " factors didn 't even count . If somebody had a meaningful , loving relationship ( and the more they had the better the odds ) , then their prognosis ended up so much better ( like 6X ) than those without . And the amazing part of it was that it crossed the boundaries of the co - factors of smoking , diet , drinking , exercise , etc . As I read I thought of what the Bible says : " the greatest of these is love " and " love covers a multitude of sins " ( diet , toxin0 Those and other details aren 't important other than the fact that we chose Faith instead of Fear . The trip was an incredible one , with our witness shared with many . Even our encounter with a fer de lance snake in the jungle ( accredited with the most human kills ) didn 't deter the plans that God had for this trip . However , when we returned " our cat " was no where to be found . She is a wild kitty that has quite a story of her own . I have been an animal lover since I was a very small child with a special attraction to cats . The only problem is that on a scale of 1 to 10 , my cat allergy rates off the top of the scale . Although we 've always had stray cats and up to 3 at a time , my sweet husband told me in 1996 that after the last one died , that would be it . He wasn 't going to see me suffer any longer with cat dander all over the house . In April 1997 , Princess , my favorite cat died at the age of 20 . We had one cat left who was only 6 years old , so I didn 't have to worry yet , but I really missed my Princess . One week after her death , I was on the phone and left it drop to the floor when I looked out the window and saw what I thought to be Princess . It was a female cat that looked and acted like her - our wild kitty . It was a joy to see her and I felt like she was a gift from God to me . A kitty that could be " mine " but not really since she was a feral cat . The wild black kitty continued to come around since we always had some kind of food out for the wildlife in our woods . Now she was all I had and after we buried our last cat , I really worked at being able to pet her , which finally occurred after two years of feeding her . So , this is how Miss Kitty Girl came to be " our cat . " During 1999 she had been spending most of the day on our back porch with a soft bed of her own and a recently added long box to crawl into for winter nights with a blanket at the back for warmth . Although we trapped her to have her spayed in March 1999 , she 'd had no interest in human touch until the summer of 1999 . She would allow me to rub on her and about a month before the trip , I could even pick her up for about 1 / 2 a minute before she 'd panic to get down . She seemed to be well on her way to accepting me as a special part of her life . Getting in at midnight on November 21 , we didn 't see Kitty Girl anywhere . We had taken a 12 - day trip in September and she was there just a little bit after we returned , so we expected to see her in the morning , but didn 't . The entire week went by - hour by hour - looking for Kitty Girl . The joy of the trip was greatly dimmed by these circumstances . I know daily that it is dangerous in the woods . There 's no traffic to worry about , just the natural flow of nature to hunt or be hunted . Having spent time in Costa Rica in a true jungle setting , this understanding was very real to me . I 've always believed in house pets , but I don 't believe in zoos and wild animals being kept as pets , so I conceded that what was best for her was what life was to her and that was to be wild until she wanted something else . I have truly learned the definition of a feral cat . I had no problem allowing God to take her from us for His best in our lives . I could say with rejoicing , " The Lord gives and the Lord takes away . Blessed be the name of the Lord ! " However , in my heart , I knew it just wasn 't God 's way . I would feel so much guilt if she got killed because we weren 't here for her . So , later in the week I mustered up all the Faith I could find inside me and prayed . I wasn 't going to give up and succumb to my worst fears . This was just a continuation of the fear the devil tried to throw in before the trip . I felt pretty good for the balance of that day , but was back in tears by the next . I spent more time looking at the porch door where she would sit than anything else I did each day . I called out to the woods throughout the day and throughout the nights . I battled guilt and condemnation with grief - filled tears . Being an " empty - nester " since our only son moved 815 miles away in January , made Kitty Girl something to care for . She had become a more important part of my life than I had realized . My decision was to go . I needed the Spirit flowing around me and didn 't want to let the devil have a winning stroke . I was soon to be reminded that the devil 's power is nothing when you put it up against the Power of God . I dressed early on Sunday so there wouldn 't be any hesitation and I thought about our prayers before we left for the trip . We had prayed over the house , over our land , and over our kitty . We prayed during the trip for protection for all . I began to think of the promises in Psalm 91 that we had always stood on and believed in and remembered those prayers prayed in Faith had always been fulfilled . I just didn 't have a peace in my heart to give up hope , but my mind said there wasn 't a chance . I had checked with the neighbors and nobody had seen her . I had done everything I could humanly do . My mind wouldn 't allow me any hope . But , Hope comes from the heart ! The Scripture reference began with Mark 5 : 22 and the story of Jairus asking Jesus to come heal his daughter . On the way a woman with an " issue of blood " stopped Him and He spent time healing her , and then somebody came to tell Jairus that his daughter had already died . Jesus told him , " Don 't be afraid , JUST BELIEVE ! " I had asked Jesus to help the kitty , to heal her if she was injured , to bring her home , but I kept battling fear , and now I was hearing , " JUST BELIEVE ! " Every time fear would try to fill my mind , I would hear from within , " She 's not dead , but only sleeping . " I even thought at one point , " yeah , sleeping in heaven . " I would keep my head filled with His Word and the message that He gave me through the sermon . The Bible says that the Word of God is sharper than a two - edged sword ( and a sermon preached right before we took the trip included a visual aid of a two - edged sword , so I could picture it cutting the doubt and fear into pieces ) . I kept reminding myself of all the real problems in the world . The famines , fathers dying in plane crashes and single moms who struggle with daily life , children being killed by gunfire and horrified by wars . How could I even shed a tear over something as trivial as a cat being gone ? Humanly I knew I couldn 't keep fear out and doubt from overwhelming me and grief of the loss from destroying me . But I had this extremely strange - to - human kind of peace that was radically opposite from what I had experienced all week long grieving for her . Pastor said , " God works from the inside out . The devil works from the outside in . " I kept His Word inside me so that it could work from the inside out and I could be free of the fear that would try to attack from the outside in . Jairus had stated when he came to Jesus , " My little daughter is dying . Please come and put your hands on her so that she will be healed and live . " Jairus KNEW that his daughter would live . From the time I returned home from church I was at peace knowing that my Kitty Girl was okay . Jesus would get to her . At moments it seemed so impossible that I knew this , that I would stir myself up to a bit of reality . I 'd think to myself that it was so long and maybe the Father meant that she would live in Heaven . I could tell the difference between the devil feeding me fear and doubt and my mind trying to make me think " sensibly . " My thinking was still surrounded with peace and knowing . Fear and doubt would cause me to rise up with His Word and jab it to death . That sword at church was huge and certainly too heavy for me to use effectively . God 's Word has so much in it that sometimes we get confused about which Scripture is " right . " Just let God show you " your Word " and stand on it and jab away at the devil 's promptings . You don 't need to be a skilled warrior to win the battle . You just need to keep jabbing away . Determination and persistence will get the job done while you remember all the time that Jesus is on the way ! Pastor said that " criticism is always a part of the supernatural " and I guess I was criticizing myself for being so seemingly senseless . I consider myself a pretty down - to - earth kind of person and live pretty close to the reality realm of life . However , there comes a time when your mind and human thought has nothing to do with life . When your heart KNOWS that God says something is going to happen , you just have to KNOW that it will . It 's not something that you can do on your own . Maybe it comes down to Faith or Fear . Exact opposites . We all know how much Fear can accomplish in us . We hear a tap on the window while we 're alone in the dark and in 10 seconds we can almost kill ourselves from fright before realizing that a pine cone hit the window on its way to the ground . I 've been working at building Faith and fighting Fear for many years and I guess it 's like a muscle . The more you exercise it the stronger it will be . It 's just a matter of choice and like all exercise , it 's not easy to be consistent . But then what comes easy in life is generally not of much value . From the time I got home after church , I was back to the duties at hand . If I passed the door or window I would look , but it didn 't control me . I just knew that she 'd be back . I pictured her arriving and the knowing allowed me to continue on . I was working at my desk in another room when my husband called me to the living room to see Kitty Girl at the door . I can 't describe the feelings of that moment . I mentally ran up to my Heavenly Daddy and jumped into His lap to say , " Thank You . " As I sat there on the floor petting her and feeling stunned , I had thoughts of how much that " exercise " of my Faith muscle had actually reaped . God will use this to make my prayer and intercession more powerful . I 've heard a phrase for many years : " What you can believe , you can achieve . " Doesn 't it all comes down to that ! God 's power in us can achieve great and mighty things if we just believe in His power . His power is always available . We just don 't flip the switch . Can we really can have all of the " desires of our heart " if we just believe in Him ? Maybe my sharing this piece of my life will make a change in your life that will allow you to see God in a different way . We have a lot of choices to make every day . Choose FAITH and not fear ! " If you believe , you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer . " Matthew 21 : 22 © 2000 - 2007 Donna L . Watkins - This article was reprinted with permission . Visit the author 's website , TheNatureInUs . com for more articles and free email subscription . Link URL : http : / / www . TheNatureInUs . com by Donna L . Watkins © Donna L . Watkins - Rose of Sharon Bloom With RaindropsThere are so many events in our lives that don 't seem to be justified . We do good to others , we tithe , we do our best to walk in the fruits of the Spirit , and yet we sometimes go through periods of our lives ( and sometimes for most of our lives ) that just don 't seem fair - or just ! Hannah Whitall Smith says , " Nothing that is not part of God 's will is allowed to come into the life of someone who trusts and obeys Him . No matter how unjust something may be , even when it comes straight from Satan himself , by the time it reaches us it is God 's will for us and will ultimately work to our good . " I want to say that God 's will is never for evil ! However , the world is and we open many doorways as we pass through it for the devil to appeal before God for permission as he did with Job . In Job 's case it was pride and fear that opened the doorway to allow the devil to work . Read Job again and notice that " what he feared the most " came upon him and his " arguments " with his friends and God revealed the pride in his life . God used it all for good though because Job 's heart was with God . God is just and even the devil has to play by His rules . We ultimately , as children of God , win the war ! We must make a conscious decision daily to walk in His ways no matter what comes our way . That is the way we overcome , which is the promise given to us . What we choose to think and believe about our circumstances will change the world around us . Jesus said , " Only believe . " In the pain , we share in Christ 's sufferings . We look upward and onward knowing that our reward is not of this world . We can get good out of the evil we endure . Sometimes we just don 't see the door out , but in it all , God is still with us , never leaving nor forsaking us , but calling us always to follow Him in Faith . I sat on the porch and watched it raining one afternoon . The raindrops beat down the flowers until they almost laid on the ground . I in my wisdom knew that the rain would be good for the 0 by Donna L . Watkins © Donna L . Watkins - Wren at MepkinI grew up with a lot of fears and through Christ I have conquered many . I used to be afraid of the dark . When I was about 8 years old I didn 't want to walk to the kitchen at bedtime to get a drink of water . My mother would always get it for me . I was afraid of walking down the dark hallway . One night she had fallen asleep on the chair and I wanted water so bad I went down the long hall to the kitchen . On the way , an ironing board behind a bedroom door along the hallway decided to fall forward which slammed the door closed while the ironing board hit the floor with a loud thud . Well , that was proof that my fear of the dark was validated ! At least for 19 more years of my life . I meditated on Scripture about fear during my first year of salvation in 1977 , and got freedom from fear of the dark . Since then I don 't need lights on all over the house and I can walk through the house in the dark without thinking something is going to eat me alive ! I used to have a fear of bugs . I was terrified at the sight of them . When I was small I saw my mother scream and run and I adopted the same posture with an added step . I 'd get up on a piece of furniture and scream hysterically . Although I was getting B 's in my 9th grade Science class , the fourth quarter was the time for a bug collection which was to be the basis for our grade for that quarter . I got the only F my report cards ever saw . I couldn 't even think about looking at a bug collection . Many years ago I asked the Lord for land with woods to find His peace and presence , and after 7 years of prayer while living on a busy street , He provided it in 1989 . Living in the woods provides you with many opportunities to overcome a fear of bugs , but I don 't think opportunity is what allows you to overcome . It 's only the power of the Holy Spirit within applying Christ 's victory on the cross to everyday life . I wanted to renew my mind about bugs since it was absolutely ridiculous that I was so fearful about something so small and literal0 by Donna L . Watkins © Donna L . Watkins - Song SparrowLove is a common theme in the Bible . We are also to walk in FAITH , not fear . These Scriptures come to mind as I ponder the power of God 's love for us and in us . 1 John 4 : 18 - " There is no fear in love ; but perfect love casteth out fear : because fear hath torment . He that feareth is not made perfect in love . " Seems to me the more we know God 's love for us , the more we can love others and love will " cast out " fear from our lives . Here are a few Scriptures to ponder : Psalms 91 : 14a - " Because he hath set his love upon me , therefore will I deliver him . " Mark 12 : 30 - " And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart , and with all thy soul , and with all thy mind , and with all thy strength : this is the first commandment . " Zephaniah 3 : 17 - " The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty ; he will save , he will rejoice over thee with joy ; he will rest in his love , he will joy over thee with singing . " When we love God , we can love others . We see ourselves in a new light when we see God 's love for us . To think that God rejoices over you with joy ! God commands us to love others : John 15 : 17 - " These things I command you , that ye love one another . " John 13 : 35 - " By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples , if ye have love one to another . " God has a way around fear in our lives . He 's made provision for it : 2 Timothy 1 : 7 - " For God hath not given us the spirit of fear ; but of power , and of love , and of a sound mind . " Psalms 119 : 165 - " Great peace have they which love thy law : and nothing shall offend them . " When we love God 's law , people will no longer offend us , and we can simply love them right past their imperfections . We lose our defensiveness and focus more on God 's work in our own lives which enables us to see others as unfinished works in progress also . Relationships can create joy in our lives which brings healing - - - or they can create bitterness and anger . We 're the only ones who can decide for ourselves which way it 's going to be . Here 's some excerpts0 by Donna L . Watkins © Donna L . Watkins - Pink RoseWorry is a nice word for fear , but Jesus simplifies a way around worry when He says , " But seek ye first the Kingdom of God , and His righteousness ; and all these things shall be added unto you . " ( Matthew 6 : 33 ) We look at that statement and it 's just too simple , and yet it 's just too hard . How do you seek the Kingdom of God ? How will that take care of everything else ? If we seek God and His righteousness , our focus is going to have to be one of Faith . If we seek His Word on life and believe what He says , we will have Faith enough to leave every thing ( all details of life ) in His hands . Jesus says , " Therefore I say unto you , Take no thought for your life , what ye shall eat , or what ye shall drink ; nor yet for your body , what ye shall put on . Is not the life more than meat , and the body than raiment ? " ( Matthew 6 : 25 - 26 ) Jesus talks about food , drink , and clothes . In America most people don 't really have to worry about having these . We generally worry about " how much " ( fast food , overeating , binging from emotional worry ) of it to have when it comes to food and drink , or the " kind " ( stylish / right label ) of it to have when it comes to clothing . We also worry about the kind / size / location of our homes . It 's more of a competitive thing rather than a necessity . It 's hard for us to imagine being grateful for simply having " something " to eat with food stamps and food banks providing for the poor in our country . Why do we worry ? It 's of no value . We know that . Most people worry about the past or future . Neither of which can we truly control . You certainly can 't change the past , but it continues to change you if you worry and muse on it . It will continue to take you down if you 're thinking about the bad things in the past . You can 't change anything , so give God the permission to change you because of it - - - into something good ! My friend in Atlanta has a favorite saying from Othello : " It makes us , or it mars us , think on that . " We have choices in life to make and one of them 0 There are so many ways to save money , and the least effective one is finding things on sale . We have to learn how to find and use what we already have . It 's a talent lost in our present culture of wanting more . Find a few ideas below to stimulate your own creativity to do what fits for your own family and household . We have been recycling paper for many years , as many others have , but we 've found that many folks don 't think about using the paper before recycling it . Do you realize how much junk mail passes through the home or office that has printing only on one side ? We keep it and use it in our printers . Most of what we print is for ourselves and for our files , so we save having to buy reams of paper . We also do this when we print something for somebody else that we know , so it will be a topic for conversation , which gives us the chance to teach that recycling and concern for the environment is important . . . . and that frugality can be fun and not embarrassing . We set the example and that opens the doorway to teach that it 's okay to choose voluntary simplicity instead of ' keeping up with the neighbors . ' We also save all those envelopes included in junk mail . It costs more for a label than it does for an envelope , so it 's not frugal to use them in place of envelopes for mailing and the post office doesn 't like it either . However , we 've used envelopes for sorting things , dropping off a night deposit at the bank , passing a note or a check payment to somebody . We cross off the address with a squiggly , creative flair and write the name of the person we are going to give it to . You can file canceled checks in them or coupons by different categories . I 'm sure you 'll think of more uses for them . This also sends a message of " waste not , want not " to our nation of in - debt families . We never buy note paper . We have little boxes sitting by the telephones and put any scraps of paper that we find with a clean side up to write on . Some paper isn 't the right size for a printer . There are all kinds of different scraps of paper to provide for your note paper box : extra deposit slips , the backs of receipts , small junk mail envelopes , the backing on check pads , etc . Just begin the process and you 'll find many opportunities for free paper and you 'll feel good about saving money and trees . You can lay sheets by the phone and while you 're on one of those long conversations , you can tear them into note size making good use of your time while listening to a friend . Feel good using some of the junk mail instead of just recycling it ! Since we decided Voluntary Simplicity is the way for us , we have also been concerned about being frugal with the environment . That has required some choices where we had to choose between frugalities for conservation reasons or the pocketbook . It 's been an interesting journey which began when I read the following : We began using recycled toilet paper , tissues , napkins and paper towels . They cost a little more , but somehow they give us a really deep feeling of satisfaction for helping the world God made for us to enjoy . Most recycled papers are not bleached with chlorine which is beneficial to the environment and our health also . I like the absence of dyes and fragrances , yet another elimination of chemicals in our homes . The toxicity of our environment does not go unnoticed by our physical bodies since research has shown that as chemicals increase so does cancer . Since we use herbs and vitamins we make sure we recycle those bottles , but first we like to use them for something . We enjoy making snacks from dried fruits and nuts to carry with us or to pack for lunches , so we use the bottles in place of plastic baggies . You can use them for many things if you get a little creative . Our herb bottles have a 2 " wide opening , so they 're great to put in drawers to organize paper clips , tacks , rubber bands , buttons , etc . and can be used for pencil holders and flower pots for beginning seeds . Let 's allow our minds to become creative again as they were in older days when ' things ' weren 't so available and our nation didn 't have a disposable mentality . Frugality begins in finding use of the things we already have in our possession , not just saving money on obtaining more things . You not only feel good about doing more with what you have , but you 'll be surprised at how much more time and money you have when you don 't have to spend gas and time shopping . You 'll also find that you can reduce your car insurance if you put less miles on your car each year . I firmly believe one of the main reasons our ancestors lives were so much more peaceful is because they didn 't shop every day or week . Get rid of the " have it now " mentality and make lists of what you need and schedule a time weekly at first and eventually less often to shop . It will happen automatically as you stir your creativity to find things you can substitute that are already in your home . by Donna L . Watkins © Donna L . Watkins - Gulf Fritillary ButterfliesAren 't we all fighting for freedom ? Freedom from fear ? Freedom from debt ? Freedom from others ' expectations ? Freedom from worry ? Worry is fear . No doubt about it . If we 're worrying over something it 's standing on the foundation of fear . As I mentioned in a previous week 's issue , I 've overcome many fears , but as I pass through one I find that I have another and another . That would sound very disheartening except for the fact that each one I pass through finds me more and more freedom in Christ . The process gets easier also . It 's like I know the maze a bit better and the way out is a bit quicker . Mazes and Mice - Yes , I overcame my fear of mice also . That 's one of those " everybody fears " where you say , " Everybody is afraid of mice . It 's normal . " Like snakes . I told myself everybody hated snakes . I 'm over the mice thing . I actually think they are the cutest things . And although I won 't pick up a snake since I 've never been taught how , I do love to see them and I 've touched them with love in my hands at a Science Center . I 'll tell you something ! There is nothing like the freedom of overcoming fear ! It 's better than a bungie jump ! ( Shall we talk about foolishness now ? ) Always looking for a positive way to see things , bungie jumps may be a way for somebody to overcome their fear of heights . I 've discovered that the biggest hurdle is overcoming the fear to face the fear . Fear produces emotional pain which produces health issues . We have to make that decision to deal with the fear when the Holy Spirit brings to mind that it 's a problem . I think this excerpt explains it well : " Instant obedience is the only kind of obedience there is , for delayed obedience is disobedience . Each time God calls upon us to do something , He is offering to make a covenant with us . Our part is to obey , and then He will do His part to send a special blessing . . . . . . . Postponed obedience can never bring us the full blessing God intended or what it would have brought had we obeyed at the comments All photos remain the property of Donna L . Watkins , but may be used with proper credit and link back to the website , TheNature InUs . com . Articles written by Donna L . Watkins can be reprinted with proper credit and link back to the website , TheNatureInUs . com . Quotes God Almighty first planted a garden . And indeed , it is the purest of human pleasures . - - Francis Bacon " It is never too late to be what you might have been . " - George Eliot - See more at : http : / / www . thenatureinus . com / # sthash . Rhtw3CRa . dpuf " It is never too late to be what you might have been . " - George Eliot - See more at : http : / / www . thenatureinus . com / # sthash . Rhtw3CRa . dpuf " It 's never too late to be what you might have been . " - - George Eliott " I 've spent too long waiting for what 's been taken from me , rather than enjoying what 's been given to me . " - - Unknown " In repentance and rest is your salvation ( deliverance ) , in quietness and trust is your strength . " - - Isaiah 30 : 15 " In God 's wilderness lies the hope of the world - the great fresh , unblighted , unredeemed wilderness . The galling harness of civilization drops off , and the wounds heal ere we are aware . " - - John Muir " Faith is the bird that senses the light and sings while dawn is still dark . " - - Rabindranath Tagore " To know something about trees - - about even one tree - - is to know something profound about the nature of the world and our place in it . " - - Gerald Jonas " I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out that there isn 't , than live my life as if there isn 't and die to find out there is . " - - Albert CamusLike winds and sunsets , wild things were taken for granted until progress began to do away with them . Now we face the question whether a still higher " standard of living " is worth its cost in things natural , wild and free . For us the minority , the opportunity to see geese is more important than television , and the chance to find a pasque - flower is a right as inalienable as free speech . - - Aldo Leopold ( 1886 - 1948 ) " It is clear that there is one main message creation has to communicate to human beings , namely , the glory of God . Not primarily the glory of creation , but the glory of God . The glory of creation and the glory of God are as different as the love poem and the love , the painting and the landscape , the ring and the marriage . It Powered by Blogger .
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I knew our doll house was big , but I had no idea it would fit TWO children inside . Now whenever I look at it , it seems RIDICULOUSLY big . Ah , because it IS . This morning I 'm having the urge to do some BIG projects around here . Everywhere I look things seem to be in disrepair - moulding chipping , windows dirty , walls needing to be washed , wall paper begging to be torn down . I could paint the mantle or dust - for the LOVE , I need to dust . Or declutter our toys and books . Or have another mug of coffee . I guess it should be noted that this " urge " has manifested itself in a way that I 'm WANTING to do something , but not actually motivated to DO something . Except look around and feel like I live in a dump . And maybe find a new spot in our house for that doll house . Or maybe just muse about it on my blog . My kids ' birthday are bittersweet affairs for me . I like to make the day special for them , to spend some time really celebrating them . I get a little choked up singing Happy Birthday . Each year , I am smacked anew at how big they are getting , how fast it goes , and how I 'm so lucky to have such awesome little people in my life . Of course , we have presents . My girls like to open them in their p . j . 's right after breakfast , while it 's just our family around . There 's always some kind of cake and candles . This year , Marin wanted chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting and strawberries on top . She got her wish , and she didn 't even notice that the " 4 " candle was reused from her sisters ' past birthday . She had such a hard time blowing the candle out though - look at her face ! She 's lucky she didn 't break blood vessels in her eyes . We also have a traditional " birthday banner " that we hang for all of our family 's birthdays . And I always buy a bunch of balloons for the birthday girl ( s ) . ( The twins each get their own bunch . ) David 's family traditionally does " grandparents and godparents " for the kids ' birthdays on his side . With 17 nieces and nephews , this makes a ton of sense - instead of doing the whole family for each kid . However , Marin comes up reaaaallly short in the " grandparent and godparent " department as my parents have never come for her birthday , and her godparents are scattered far and wide . Therefore she 's had " kid " parties at a much younger age than her sisters . This year she wanted to have her friends come over in their pajamas , drink hot chocolate , and eat donuts . Well , that 's easy enough ! We held the party from 9 : 30 - 11am . Marin also wanted to do melting beads - her favorite - with her friends , so we set that up on the coffee table in the living room . ( In hindsight , this would have been a better activity for an older group . ) To make things more " fancy " we set up a hot chocolate bar - the kids could pick from lots of different toppings for their hot chocolate . We had whipped cream , sprinkles , mini m & m 's , and marshmallPosted by 7am - Get everyone up and dressed , including myself . Help find matching leggings , non - itchy socks , sharing items for school , school library books , and anything else that should be brought downstairs when we go down to eat . Try to pull a brush through my own hair and over my own teeth . Succeed only sometimes . 7 : 15 am - Get everyone 's breakfast going . Make toast , pour milk , cut strawberries , resolve squabble over certain spoons / bowls / cups , evenly divide cereal if the box is getting low , wipe tears , wipe spills , make 2 lunches , try to remember to take a drink of water , skip making coffee or eating anything myself until later . 7 : 30 am - Start reminding everyone in a rushed tone to finish . it . up . already . Do all three girls ' hair , each to their own liking . Ignore Marin crying since she cries anytime a brush touches her head , no matter how gently . As each girl has her hair done , remind her to get her shoes and coat and backpack and sharing and library books and lunch and water bottle and anything else she needs ready . 7 : 35 am - Hear David get up and turn on the shower . Try to be understanding that he was up late , working . 7 : 42 am - Remind the older girls that I have to leave in less than 10 minutes . Continue finishing up everyone 's hair , since I 've been interrupted so many times for other minor " emergencies " . Realize I still haven 't got a drink of water . 7 : 44 am - Hear shower turn off . Try not to swear in my head about how HE gets a shower in PEACE while I 'm spinning 100 wobbly plates in the kitchen directly below him . Take a deep breath a force a smile when another plate shatters and " crisis " ensues . 7 : 50 am - On a good day , be out the door with Marin . Kiss the older two , at least 5 times ( their request ) , run back in the house at least 2 times for things I forgot - like the car keys . Catch glimpse of self in reflection on the door and realize I look like ass . Try not to care . 7 : 51 am - See David come downstairs and pour himself some cereal . Hear my own stomach grumble . Frantically check the clock and give Joan and Kate more last mPosted by I noticed yesterday that I signed my last two posts in a row with " XO " . Nothing too odd about that , except that heretofore I don 't think I 've ended that way . I guess I 'm feeling extra kissy and huggy towards ya 'll . As I should be , with the support and love I 've received over the baby thing and Kate 's eating has been wonderful . And in person , I 'm pretty kissy and huggy . To my kids , my husband ( well , not actually lately , not that he 's NOTICED . HRMPH . ) , and even with friends . Anyway , I will return to those posts ' comments whenever I 'm needing encouragement . I 'm sitting here eating apples ( honeycrisp ) and cheddar cheese ( extra sharp ) and thinking about all of the things that have been on my mind in recent days and weeks . It 's sunny and perfectly fall here today , and the rain has stopped , yet my friend 's yard remains a lake that is prevented from flooding her entire house by only a wall of sandbags and plastic . Roads are washed out , nearby towns are now nearly islands . Our own basement only became a little damp - though our sump pump had quite a workout - but our house still vaguely smells like wet basement . So the rains came and went ( we got anywhere from 7 to over 10 + inches in 18 hours , depending on which source you listen to ) , my grandma came and went , Marin 's birthday is over , and my husband still hasn 't really noticed that I 'm not speaking to him . I have tomatoes rotting on my kitchen counter - which is a wonderful ( if guilt - inducing ) summer / fall problem to have - and three fat pumpkins outside my back door . I have gourds and popcorn and decorative corn and 8 foot tall broom corn and those weensy little pumpkins that are both decorations and toys around here . The air is crisp and wonderful , and those bright red maple leaves are appearing on the trees and ground , and by day the light is wonderfully golden , and at night I smell woodsmoke . All of this I love , and yet I mourn summer , mourn the passing of time . We only get so many summers in our lifetime , and another one from my own life is over . I 'm also growing exhausted Marie Green I have so many things that I want to write about that I composing blog posts in my sleep . Do you ever do that too ? Anyway , my grandma - one of my favorite people on the planet - was here to visit , and then my wittle bitty baby turned FOUR . My delicate constitution apparently cannot handle so much commotion in so few days , and you probably think I 'm kidding , but I took a 2 hour nap today , starting at eleven ( 11 ! ) this morning . Additionally , I am - at this very moment - committing a cardinal Fall Sin , which is sitting indoors on a beautiful and not raining fall day . Did I mention that we got around 10 inches of rain in 1 1 / 2 days and flooding abounds ? So much to tell you , friends . But for now , I 'm heading outside to the hammock . XO Kate is better now . I emailed her teacher . My grandma arrived . Kate and I had a nice talk . She 's eaten breakfast , her snacks at school , and lunch with a smile since my last post . Her attitude made a complete 180 degree change in direction . I 'm not sure which factors - all , none , or some - helped , but ALLELUIA she 's snapped out of it . More thoughts on this later , friends . Thanks for so many kind words and ideas . More on that later ! XO Wow , you guys . Talking about this whole " aching for another baby thing " has been so very helpful . Thank you all , so much , for your kind words and support . I had a few comments that were more critical of my situation , but Swistle pretty much summed up every thought in my head - and BETTER - with her comment . ( Seriously . Go read it here . ) And she 's definitely onto something with the whole " two kids in normal " mentality observation . Moving on . . . So , this morning I discovered that this girl : My hat wearing , bug loving , snuggly and sweet girl Kate , has not been eating ANYTHING until she came home from school . Her school year has started off FABULOUSLY , especially compared to last spring ( here , and just about every post for the month of May ) . But she 's been refusing breakfast , so I 've been coaxing her by allowing her to eat WHATEVER she wanted , as long as it was something . I was so frustrated by her not eating breakfast , but I was trying to not make an Issue out of it , and I was also comforted by the fact that she does get a morning snack at school . But this morning ? I discovered her stash of everything I thought she 'd been eating for breakfast , plus all of her morning snacks UNEATEN . And then David , who 's been emptying and washing the lunch boxes lately , told me she 's MAYBE eating one teensy bite of her sandwich at lunch , leaving the rest wholly untouched . So she is not eating ANYTHING ( except that one small bite of sandwich ) until 3 pm when she gets home ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! At 7 1 / 2 she weighs around 44 pounds - she 's already a tiny kid . I was LIVID to find this out . This is not normal ! Why isn 't she eating ? What the hell is going on here ? How can she even LEARN a single thing , with zero food in her small system ? You guys . WHAT do I do ? She 's obviously not doing this for attention , because her sneaky ways say otherwise . . . I can 't force her to eat . I don 't want to make a HUGE issue out of this . Food , of all things , is so goddamn tricky . But I can 't allow her to skip 2 meals and a snack every day , right ? This is the kind ofMarie Green Oh , wow . Hundreds of you have clicked on over ( via Swistle 's link - thank you Swistle ! ) to commiserate with me over the STATE of not being able to convince my husband to have another child . So many of us are in the same boat , it seems , and so many others of us can guess what that would feel like , and not much can make me feel better about my situation , but hearing all of your voices was very comforting . I can picture this whole community of crying ovaries , banding together to beg for ANOTHER BABY PLEASE . Since I wrote that post 12 days ago , I 've been increasingly mad and desperate feeling . I can barely LOOK at him , you guys . I 'm just so ANGRY . It 's just not fair that I feel so passionately about this , and he can so nonchalantly say " Hmmm . No . I don 't feel like another child . " He 's not an emotional person , so of course his response isn 't going to be as impassioned as mine , but STILL . It seems like the person who wants something so badly ( ME ) should trump the person who offhandedly disagrees ( HIM ) . So what do I do ? I have no idea . It seems like the only thing I DO have control over is me - so I 've been giving him the silent treatment for 12 days . I know it 's extremely elementary , but it 's the truth about what 's been going on around here . And before you feel the need to defend him , I should point out that ahhhh . . . . he hasn 't NOTICED that I 'm not speaking to him . HE HASN ' T NOTICED . You know the one way that the silent treatment FAILS ? It 's if the recipient DOESN ' T NOTICE . Eff . you guys . Effffffff . ( Also , David isn 't a jerk , nor is he a complete buffoon . He simply is very straightforward . In his mind , if I was mad at him , I 'd say so . If I 'm simply not talking to him ? Doesn 't really register on his radar . ) So to recap : I am so angry at my husband , so frustrated that he has all the control in this situation , can barely stand to be in the same room with him . So I stop speaking to him , mostly because I cannot stand to , but also because - if I 'm being honest - I WANT him to notice and care that I 'm not speaking to him , but he doesMarie Green Ahoy ! Welcome to my blog , AKA the land where " tomorrow I will upload photos of my family room " loosely translates to " sometime in the next five days I will hopefully remember to upload photos of my family room . Maybe . " You see , I do this strategically , so that you don 't feel any pressure to be perfect either . You can let your hair down around me , scootch in a little late , I won 't mind . ( That 's my story , and I 'm sticking to it ! ) So ! Pictures ! This is the front half of the family room before adding the table and chairs : And this is the back half of the family room before adding the table and chairs : To take that last photo , I 'm standing at the door that we always use to enter / exit our home . The ottoman that you see is used by the kids to take on / off their shoes . Our family room has two sets of french doors that lead outside , one - the one we use - directly behind where I 'm standing , and the other one right by the shopping cart in the above photo . Basically , this back half of the family room wasn 't being used for much . There 's a few random toys , and a couple of baskets with blankets and dress - up clothes , and that 's about it . Here 's an after of the family room , with the table now : The doors you see behind the table are the ones we don 't use . The ones we use are off the left hand side of the photo . Here 's an after of the back half of the family room : We didn 't rearrange any furniture , other than move those few toys out of the way . So far , this table has been used for crafts and homework . The dresser / old side board from the dining room also fit in the family room . It 's not pictured but is waaaay off to the right of the above photo , along the wall . We 're trying this out for now . . . not sure if we 'll decide it 's too crowded in there or not . Any opinions ? Too much furniture ? So , upon uploading these photos , I realized just how . . . insignificant the " change " in our dining room looks based on the before and after shots I took . I should have taken a better shot of the crappy dresser that was serving as a " side board " / craft holder with all of my extra bowls and serving dishes stacked haphazardly on top . It 's there , behind the table , but it 's hard to see . There were also two extra - crappy white book cases on either side of the " side board " that held additional craft stuff and kitchen stuff . Those , too , are now gone from the dining room . ( Also , please don 't cringe too much at the hideous light fixtures and the weird wall paper . Both are slated to be gone , ah , someday . ) ( Before ) The new table is longer , with the ability to add three leaves ( is that the right spelling for this usage ? ) . Only one of the leaves is in it in the photo . With all three , it will be around 7 feet long . Also , it has pedestal footing instead of 4 legs , so it 's very easy to cram a hojillion chairs around it , if needed . ( After ) I plan to recover the chairs , though I don 't hate the green . I can just think of so many fun fabrics for this project , and ( I think ) recovering chairs falls within the boundaries of " crafty things I am able to do " . Also , the red metal stool is new - to - us . Marin loves it , and it matches the red tiles of our kitchen floor exactly . I like the new / old table . I think . The striped recliner chair that you can see in the back corner is looking for a new home in our home . David recovered it for me when I was pregnant with our twins , and it 's one of the only chairs in our house that rocks . I don 't want to get rid of it , but I just have . . . no idea where to put it . I think the 1912 china cabinet is going to go in that corner , but it needs to be fixed up and painted first . Initially , we were going to get rid of the old table ( garage sale ? craigslist ? something ) , but then we got the bright idea to put it in the family room . Somehow we decided to try putting it in the family room as a craft / homework table . We also moved thMarie Green These fall days are achingly perfect lately - achingly only in that we are so very aware that we won 't be feeling the sun on our skin for a LONG time soon - so when Beautiful Neighbor called and asked if I wanted to have some " porch time " , I had to say yes . It 's , like , the law . MUST . SIT . OUTSIDE . AND . ENJOY . When I finished putting the big girls to bed , and went downstairs to tell David I was heading to the neighbor 's for a little while . What I found was this scene : The dining room was cheerily lit , with our new ( old ! ) table in the middle of the room , 8 chairs around it . Sitting together on one side , in the middle of that long table , was David and Marin . Marin was wearing a purple night gown and her bare legs were swinging as she was earnestly telling him something , and he was beaming love darts from every pore at her , intently listening . In front of Marin was a jelly jar of milk and some apple slices . David also had a glass of milk and a piece of pie , which he was sharing with Marin . Now , Marin should have been in bed - or at the very least upstairs looking at books - but for whatever reason , she was downstairs having a small feast with her daddy . She naps very late ( from 2 - 5 or longer ! ) , so we don 't expect her to zonk out at 8pm on the nose . But the fact that she can convince her daddy to cut up some fruit , pore her a drink , and spoon feed her pie when she 's supposed to be upstairs reading quietly ? Proof that she is , indeed , the family pet . Posted by This past weekend all of David 's family came together to go through his grandparents ' house and divide up their things . It was weird , dissolving their home like that , as they are both still alive . His grandma has severe Alzheimer 's and his grandpa is 97 and decided last fall to move himself into the nursing home to be with grandma . I guess at that age , he figured he deserved to have his meals delivered and his toe nails clipped for him . Can 't really blame the guy , ya know ? I really love old things - not that I want my entire house to look like a walk through Aunt Bessie 's parlor - but old things mixed with , well , IKEA stuff is what we have around here . Most of our furniture is a patchwork of stuff we 've found 2nd hand , and I like that too . Our house feels less like a furniture store and more like a home this way . However , much of our stuff was cheap stuff left over from our college days , purchased never imagining that it would still be gracing our 7 year old daughters ' bedroom almost 20 years later . David is the youngest of eight ( ! ! ) siblings , so most of his family members already have much more " established " homes than we do . This bodes well for us . From grandma and grandpa 's house we received a dining room table and 6 chairs , a side board , a china hutch that was a wedding gift to grandpa 's mother in 1912 , 2 dressers , an end table , a old red metal stool , and lots ( and LOTS ) of miscellaneous other stuff . Nearly without exception , this stuff was all headed to Goodwill if we didn 't take it . After we loaded it all onto trucks and headed for home , I suddenly got nervous . What if I didn 't like those pieces once they were in my home ? But it 's all here now , and ( I think ) I really like it all . The furniture brought with it a little bit of grandma and grandpa 's " house smell " , and even though they aren 't MY grandparents ( and therefore not a scent I grew up associating with anything ) I kinda love it . It smells like history . We 've done lots of rearranging to make things fit and work for us . I 'm taking before and after photos to poPosted by Well , that last post inspired some good points in the comments section . I talked about some of this there , but I am feeling like putting it all together , organized - like , here . Q : Perhaps this wanting another baby is hormonal ? How do you know that this feeling won 't pass over time ? A : Babies are my THING , and always have been my thing since I was first old enough to hold one independently ( at around age 5 or 6 ) . I was the oldest of four children , and I was very hands - on with both Seester and Kiner , who are 5 and 7 years younger than me . In fact I remember an older girl in our neighborhood named Trish that also loved babies and drove me to near insanity doting on and carrying around MY sister , MY BABY . Ah , the good ol ' days of wandering the neighborhood with my baby sister or brother on my hip ! ( I should have cut that bitch . ) Anyway , from a very young age , if a baby was around , I was hovering over it . I 'm sure this was annoying at times , but I think my mom 's friends and our relatives were mostly LUCKY to have me - a willing set of arms to hold , change , sing to , feed , and dote on their baby . I never had any questions about wanting to be a mother . In fact , after meeting and marrying David it was physically painful to wait as long as we did before starting our family . Those were a long 18 months , boy . I 'm passionate about breastfeeding and gentle parenting . When my twins were a year old I got a job teaching childbirth classes , and shortly after became a doula to empower other new mamas . I am STILL drawn to babies and get a " mouth - watering " sensation when I see them , aching to hold their warm little bods or smell their sweet heads . Also , I 've never - not for a moment - thought of Marin as my last baby . Not when I was pregnant with her , not the day she was born , not ever . She 's going to be four years old this month , so that would be a long time for it to be a hormonal craving . In fact , I 'm quite sure that the longer I go without my " last baby " , and the farther I get from my viable childbearing years , the more intense the longingPosted by So remember how I wanted another baby ? Well , I still do . But something has changed . See , before I wanted a baby . . . in the future sometime . I wasn 't ready to get pregnant , but I wanted to get pregnant at some future point . Now ? I 'm ready to be pregnant . Like , yesterday . It happened overnight , this sudden shift from someday to NOW . I 'm actively longing for a baby now , I 'm doing " pregnancy math " as far as due dates and how old my other kids will be , etc . My arms ache sometimes , wanting a wee sprout to hold . I 'm thinking about my cycle a ton , wondering , hoping , calculating . But the crazy part is , I can 't be pregnant , WON ' T be pregnant , unless my husband changes his mind , or unless the universe decides for us , which seems unlikely since our current method of birth control has been fool proof for the past , oh , at least 8 years . Can I take a moment to tell you how pissed I am at him ? I 've done everything I can think of - up to and including begging and bribing - and he steadfastly says no . I 've tried giving him time ( ah , like 3 years ) , not talking about it so as to not nag the issue , reasoning , explaining , and - as I said - begging and bribing . I 've even threatened to outright trick him , though mostly jokingly . MOSTLY being the key word . Still no . I 've tried to explain to him that if we don 't have another child , I will long for one the rest of my life , whereas if we do have another child , he certainly wouldn 't regret it . He agrees . But he still doesn 't want one . I 've tried to explain to him that our next child already exists - can 't he see that child ? Over there ? Just past that shimmering veil ? Our child - our precious baby - is waiting for us , and HE is keeping me away from him / her . He doesn 't see . I tried explaining to him that this longing I feel is like thirst - you can tell me all you want that I 've had enough to drink - I have three perfectly healthy glasses of water already ; I can 't possibly need more . But if I 'm thirsty - if my tongue is dry and my body is longing for water - nothing you can say to me will change that . I 'll stilMarie Green Last Friday , on a bitterly ( and unseasonably ) cold and windy day , we celebrated the end of summer with our much anticipated Park Palooza . We ate breakfast at a park , had our Opening Ceremony - complete with a balloon release ! - had a treasure hunt , went on a hike in the woods , ate lunch , and pretty much totally exhausted our children . We took a break from naps and then met again - this time indoors as we were all chilled - to round out the afternoon . It was awesome . My kids really love ritual , ceremonies , and " traditions " . My friends think of EVERYTHING , and I 'm not even exaggerating there . The cold made it seem like we were - quite literally - seeing the end of summer . We ended the day by leaving the children home with their dads and going out to eat . And then out for drinks . I really love these ladies . . . ( and their children and spouses , of course . ) More photos of our fun day start here . P . S . I have no internet at home , which is driving me CRAZY . Our home phone line , our tv watching ( we canceled cable , so the kids use Wii Netflix ) , looking up recipes , blogging , facebook , twitter . . . AHHHH . I can 't believe how reliant we are in the internet , and how much it affects us to not have it . I 'm at a coffee shop right now , have been here for 2 hours , and STILL feel like I have stuff I want to do before going home to my internet - less house . Hopefully , they will be out to fix it tomorrow . . . Ten years . An entire decade . On this day - in what seem like it could have been just last year but then again feels like a lifetime ago - David and I donned our traditional wedding costumes , gathered all of our nearest and dearest , and committed in front of them all " ' til death do us part . " I tried to find some digital photos from that day to share , but quickly realized that showing you a photo of us in all our wedding glory would require scanning things , and well . It 's 9pm and this is what I chose instead : This photo was taken a few months after we met , before we were married . I believe it was our first visit to Rapid City together , for Seester 's high school graduation . We were still in that " can 't keep our hands off each other " phase , which I 'm sure made us a JOY to be around . So much has happened in the intervening ten years . Together , we have grown from a family of two to a family of five . ( And counting ? Maybe ? David , please ? * sigh * ) Recently I was with a group of friends and were talking about times in our lives when we were really , truly scared . I can think of a few times when I felt frozen . . . terrified . But the day we got married ? Right before I walked down the aisle ? Not a drop of fear . Only peace , joy , a strong feeling of this is exactly what I 'm supposed to be doing . We 've had our ups and downs , like anyone else . Moving , a growing and shrinking and growing business , health issues , births , fights , dates , family trips , and lots of other things that can 't easily be summed up in a tidy list . Now that 10 years have passed , I 'm so proud of where we are , so happy with the life we 've created for ourselves . I 'm happier than I ever thought I 'd be . I never - EVER - thought I 'd grow to love Tiny Town the way I have . And man , am I ever excited to see what the next 10 years will bring . I am a mother of four , wife , doula , childbirth educator , and avid reader . My husband David and I have 10 year old twin girls ( Jan ' 03 ) named Joan and Kate , and a 6 year old daughter ( Sept ' 06 ) named Marin and a 1 year old named Olive . We are trying to live an honest , simple , and green life here in Tiny Town .
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