Non-SpongeBob Dialogue
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SpongeBob Response
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Squidward: Well, this is more like it. You've been holding out on us, Mr. Krabs. You old devil. Mr. Krabs: I have? Wait. Oh yeah. Mr. Krabs: Chumpany Picnic? That's not how you spell Company Picnic! Plankton: Guess who? Mr. Krabs: Plankton! Mr. Krabs: Just what do ya think you're doin', Plankton? Plankton: Uh, what do you mean? I'm having my company picnic. This is our spot. Mr. Krabs: Oh yeah! Well, it's my spot now! Plankton: Come now. Can't we all just share? Nothing should spoil this perfect day.
Aww!
Mr. Krabs: You don't even have any employees!
Aww!
Plankton: Sure I do. Plankton: Those are my new hired, Simmy and Tally. Just look at them tossing the disk around.
A real disk?
Mr. Krabs: Ha! Go on, SpongeBob! Show this upstart how we chuck the old mustard plate around!
Well. Eh.
Plankton: You're all welcome to join us of course. There's plenty of fun for all.
Aw, no thanks, Plankton. We're having a great time at our own company picnic. Hey, Plankton. What are Simmy and Tally up too?
Plankton: Oh, just setting up the rest of the activities. Plankton: The cotton candy machine, hot roasted peanuts, games of chance, bottles you can knock over to win a prize, the world's most exciting roller coaster, a deep fryer for delicacies... Squidward: Delicacies? Plankton: And of course, the dunking booth! Plankton: Have you seen the calliope?
Aww!
Mr. Krabs: Now, look here, Plankton! Me loyal employees would never be takin' in by such a shallow display... Squidward: One side, Goopy!
Yum.
Mr. Krabs: Is this backwards? Oh, that's not it either. Plankton: You were saying, Krabs?
Mr. Krabs is right, Plankton. We're having lots of fun. Come on, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, would you mind helpin' me with my zipper?
Who needs them? Right, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Huh? Yeah, yeah. Sure. Squidward: Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
You want me to paint your face?
Mr. Krabs: Well, I don't know.
Alright. I'm making you into, um, a ghost.
Mr. Krabs: Ooh. I think this mayo has gone bad.
Ooh. The ghost of mayonnaise bad! That really scares people.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah. Simmy: Whoa! Stop! That is almost too much cotton candy! Mr. Krabs: You wanna join in all that fun over there with Mr. Squidward, don't ya?
No. Course not.
Mr. Krabs: Are you sure you don't want to?
Mr. Krabs, I am staying right here at the Krusty Krab picnic!
Mr. Krabs: You sure?
100% sure, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Ok, then. I'm outta here! See ya! Yahoo! Mr. Krabs: You can never have too many! Squidward: Whoo! Mr. Krabs: Hey, Squiddie-bird!
Whoo! Having lots of fun over here. I've got a plate! It's made of paper! It's a paper plate. Whoo! Well, if it's good enough for Mr. Krabs, it's good enough for me.
Squidward: I have to say, Mr. Plankton. If this is how you treat your employees... Plankton: Say no more, my friend. If you'd care to work for me, just sign this contract with this delicious candied pen. Mr. Krabs: Ooh! Me first! Me first! Plankton: Oh, don't bother to read it. Not on such a fun day. Mr. Krabs: That's such great advice! Plankton: This is working far better than I planned! With Krabs as my employee, I can order him to give me the Krabby Patty formula and the Krusty Krab will be no more!
Ahem! Hello, Plankton!
Plankton: Uh oh.
Mr. Krabs, don't sign it!
Mr. Krabs: My candied pen!
Simmy, look out! There's a candied pen heading straight for your eye due to my act of swatting it away without first considering the trajectory! Oh, I wish I could give my words out faster, but everything's in slow motion! No! Simmy and Tally are holograms? Then that means...
Squidward: I was riding that? What about those delicacies I was eating? Mr. Krabs: Whew! That was a cl... Mr. Krabs: You saved me, boy. How did you do it?
I guess my mind was all sharp from the relaxing fun I had at your company picnic, Mr. Krabs.
Plankton: Unbelievable! Plankton: Uh oh.
The greatest company picnic ever!
Mr. Krabs: Alright, enough relaxin'. Back to work!
Behold the ultimate cooking utensil, the golden spatula!
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, look what it says here. Many have tried to pull the spatula from this ancient grease, but all have failed. Larry:
Only a fry cook worthy of King Neptune himself can wield...
SpongeBob and Patrick: ...the golden spatula. Wow!
Oh, oh, oh, oh! Take a picture of me and the spatula! Okay, I'm ready!
Miss Shell: Excuse me, do you know where the menu section is? Patrick: Uh!
Menu section? That's easy, it's over that way. Uh-oh.
Miss Shell: Holy smokes! Patrick: Rude. Hey, the light changed.
Uhh, Patrick...
Patrick: Hold on, almost there. King Neptune: Yes, yes, at last! Someone worthy of being the royal fry cook. Who has freed the spatula from the grease?
Uhh, I did, Mr. Neptune, sir. SpongeBob SquarePants.
King Neptune: A fine jest, boy. You are but a lowly yellow sponge. Puny, insignificant, a commoner. Therefore, you could never be fry cook to a god and this is why it is funny! Now step aside as I seek out the true fry cook. No, no. Mmm-hmm, you're too short, no... Ah!
But, but...
King Neptune: A purveyor of foods. Yes, you must be my new fry cook. Hot Dog Vendor: Uhh, sorry, King Neptune. I don't make them. I just sell them. King Neptune: Then who pulled out the spatula? Hot Dog Vendor: Uh, he did. King Neptune: It is even funnier a second time! You there, crustacean! Larry: Who, me? King Neptune: You have the physique of Atlas! Larry: Thanks, I work out. King Neptune: Make poses with me! Larry: Okay! Larry and King Neptune: Body slam! King Neptune: You pulled the spatula from the grease! Larry: Nope, that was SpongeBob. King Neptune: This joke has gone far enough! Where's my fry cook? Certainly you with your prodigious girth would know who can flip a burger to suit a royal palate! What? Am I expected to believe this creature is royal fry cook material? I don't suppose you have any proof? Ha! This thing is unfit to even scrub the royal tail fin! And besides, it's not just enough to pull a spatula from a greasy griddle. There are certain qualities that a royal fry cook must have.
Like?
King Neptune: The royal fry cook must be, you know, left-handed.
Actually, I've got two.
King Neptune: Also, the royal fry cook wears red underwear. No, blue. Uh, the royal fry cook's wallet contains... His big toes are... Uhh, he has six... Patrick: He is the new royal fry cook and you... King Neptune: Silence! Patrick: Is it hot in here or what?
Patrick! You hurt my friend! You're not a king, you're a bully and a liar!
King Neptune: So, little one, you think you have what it takes to be my fry cook? I will prove your worthlessness. You shall be tested with a challenge! Patrick: Bring it on! SpongeBob can handle any... Ouch. King Neptune: Your friend's arrogance will cost you dearly. There will be two challenges. Patrick: Only two? What are two challenges to someone like Sponge- King Neptune: Three challenges! Patrick: Three? Three challenges is nothing. It might as well be 500 challenges! King Neptune: Enough! Patrick: He'll settle for one. King Neptune: There will be but one challenge. You will face me in: The Ultimate Cook-Off!
I will accept your challenge if you fix my friend.
King Neptune: Ah, yes, the round one. I shall restore him. Patrick: SpongeBob? SpongeBob?! SpongeBob? Oh, there you are!
How you feeling?
Patrick: Pretty good. Say, have you gotten taller? King Neptune: And now, see the fate that may lie ahead. For if some minute chance you meet the challenge, your reward will be great. Behold! Hehe. Whoopsie! Now, behold! My beloved home of Atlantis. A prize worthy of Apollo. You will reside here in this glorious palace, cook only for me, and be a god! Patrick: Hey, that sounds pretty good. King Neptune: But if you should not succeed, you must give up fry cooking forever! What do you say?
I'm ready.
King Neptune: Very well then. To the Poseidome! Mr. Krabs: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Ultimate Cook-Off! All right, mates. First to a thousand patties wins. Shake hands.
May the best man win.
Mr. Krabs: Go back to your corners and when the bell sounds, come out cooking! Don't worry, lad, I have total confidence in you. Put it all on Neptune!
I'm not good enough to cook in Atlantis, Patrick. I should have never taken the challenge.
Patrick: Don't give up on your dream, SpongeBob! People used to tell me: Patrick, you'll never amount to anything. You'll always have your head in the clouds. Well, just look at me now. Go get 'em, tiger!
Once upon a time... Perfect!
King Neptune: I win! Loser! Free patties for everyone! Fools! Have you no taste buds? There's nothing wrong with these, they're delicious! Ooh. Audience: You can eat it all, come one! Chew it! Why don't you eat it? Try it! Eat it! Eat it! King Neptune: Okay, mine's no good. But what makes you think his will be any better? Give me that! Mmmm. Why it tastes so good, I think I'd like to try it a second time!
So, uhh, what do you think?
King Neptune: Yours is superior. Therefore, I concede to you, SpongeBob SquarePants, you win. SpongeBob & Patrick: Yeah! We're going to Atlantis! We're going to Atlantis!
What's so funny?
King Neptune: You, SpongeBob. That repulsive thing in my palace?
You mean, Patrick can't come?
King Neptune: No, of course not.
And my friends?
King Neptune: Ah, the only friend you need, dear boy, is the royal grill. Patrick: It was nice knowing you, buddy!
I know, Mr. Krabs, I'll miss you, too.
Mr. Krabs: I lost me bet! King Neptune: Come, SpongeBob, grab your things! It's time to depart... to Atlantis!
I... I... I don't wanna go!
King Neptune: It's too late now. I can't live without your burgers. You're going to be a god and like it! Maybe we do have a problem.
Wait, Neptune! I have another idea!
Patrick: Good morning, Krusty Krew.
Hi, Patrick. What'll you have? Can you excuse me?
King Neptune: The accursed stove has burnt my finger. Feel thine own wrath, stove! Haha!
What did I tell you about using your powers, trainee?
King Neptune: Uh... Perfect patties are made with love, not magic.
Gary! What are you doing!?
Gary: Meow.
Oh my gosh! Your bowl is empty! Not to worry, Gare-gare! Food is on the way, faster than you can say organic!
Gary: Meow?
There you go, Gary! Gary! Shame on you! I realize you're a bottom feeder, but have some manners! You know you're not supposed to eat goop off the ground! Now go on and enjoy your health food!
Gary: Meow, meow, meow...
What is this stuff, anyway? It doesn't seem to be coming off! Ooh! Company!
Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob! Eww!
Is something wrong, Patrick?
Patrick: SpongeBob! What is that?
What's what?
Patrick: This!
P-P-P-Patrick, what should I do?
Patrick: Scratch it like there's no tomorrow!
Good idea!
Patrick: Uhh, SpongeBob?
Yeah?
Patrick: I don't know about this!
What makes you say that?
Patrick: This.
Ay-yi-yi! It's getting bigger! Nothing a little pimple cream can't cure! Aah. That's more like it! All better. See, Patrick?
Patrick: Sure do! Well, Probably gonna go sit in my hole. Catch ya later, pal.
Bye, Patrick! Ahh… This feels better! Let's see. A four-letter word, ooh. Meaning of uncomfortable sensation on the dermis… Hmm… Itch! Don't worry, SpongeBob. Everyone gets itchy, swelling skin rash now and then. Just don't scratch it and it'll go away… Eventually. There! Outta sight, outta mind! I won't let this minor setback hinder my fry cooking! Now nothing can distract me from frying up those patties… Except maybe this unbearable itchiness! Must… Stop… Scratching!
Squidward: SpongeBob! SpongeBob!
Huh? Oh, hi, Squidward!
Squidward: SpongeBob? Why are you all puffy?
All what-y?
Squidward: Your skin, SpongeBob! What's wrong with your skin?
Oh, that! It's nothing really, Squidward… Just a little blemish, that's all!
Squidward: That's no blemish!
Help… Me!
Squidward: Oh, I'll help you, alright! S.W.A.T. fish #1: S.W.A.T. Team. We'll be right over! S.W.A.T. fish #2: Hold it right there! Neptune's trident! This is the most severe case of Ick yet. S.W.A.T. fish #3: Stop, you fool! Do you wanna get infected? This is a job for the hazmat physician. Hazmat physician: Get back! I said, get back! Back I say!
What's going on, Squidward? Help!
Squidward: Here's your change, sir. Old Man Jenkins: Oh, why thank you very much, young man. Squidward: What was that? No, no, Mr. Squidward! That can't be the Ick.
Where am I? Whoa! Who are you people? I wanna go home!
Scientist: You are home, SpongeBob. You just have to stay in this bubble until the Ick clears up.
Where's my snail, Gary?
Scientist: We've taken care of your pet. Gary: Meow.
Gary? Whoa!
Hazmat Physician: He appears stable, sir. Scientist: Alright, boys, let's pack it up. Patrick: Wow! Huh? What is this?
Patrick! Stop! Stop! You're gonna pop it!
Patrick: Really? How about if I squeeze it like this? Or this? Or this?
Oh, Patrick! How many times do I have to tell you?! Be careful!
Patrick: Sorry. Hey, wanna play a game of pirate wrestling?
Sure! Let's begin! Um... Patrick?
Patrick: I win! I win! I win!
Patrick?
Patrick: Go, Patrick! Go, Patrick! Go, Patrick!
Patrick! What am I gonna do? My bubble is destroyed.
Patrick: I've got an idea!
There is no time for games, Pat! Now think, SpongeBob! The fate of Bikini Bottom rests in your hands! Huh? Patrick, you're a genius! And this one's mobile! Now I can go back to work!
Mr. Krabs: Squidward! Help! Help me flip these patties! We've got growling stomachs out there! Squidward: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Mr. Krabs: Then would it be too much trouble to ask his high and mightiness to take these patties out to the customers? Oh… If only SpongeBob were here… Squidward: If SpongeBob were here, we'd be covered in Ick! Lunch is served! Eat up, kids. Nathiel Waters: Ahh. Squidward: Oh, why am I so itchy? Oh no. SpongeBob gave me the Ick! And I gave it to all you people! Stay back, you diseased freaks! Mr. Krabs: What's all the commotion about? Unknown Fish: The commotion, my dear Krabs, is regarding the hygiene standards of your eating establishment, which would appear to be inadequate. Mr. Krabs: Inadequate!? I'll have you know, the staff of the Krusty Krab take a solemn pledge, to show up every day in a week clean and disease-free.
Sorry I'm late, Mr. Krabs. SpongeBob SquarePants, returning for duty, sir.
Unknown Fish: Is that what you consider clean and disease-free, Krabby? I say we ramshack this greasy disease shack! Who's with me? All: We are! Mr. Krabs: It wasn't me! It was Squidward! He gave you all the Ick! Squidward: No! No I didn't! It was SpongeBob! He's infected the entire Krusty Krab! Unknown Fish: Let us apprehend that careless contaminator! Gary: Meow.
Stop! You're pushing out more of the Ick! NOOOOO!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, stop it! You're tickling me, Squidward! Squidward: It's not me, Mr. Krabs!
Gary the Snail! Don't you know it's impolite to feed off of other people without permission?
Mr. Krabs: He's just doing his job, SpongeBob! He's a bottomfeeder, remember? See? The little feller licked me clean! I'm cured! And he'll clean the Ick off any surface! Even Squid! Nat Peterson: Oh! Oh! Me next! Martha Smith: Where are your manners? It's ladies first! Patrick: I believe the expression is starfish first. Unknown Fish: I supersede all of you! For I have an exotic accent. Mr. Krabs: Hey, hey, hey! There's no need to fight! Cause I have a solution I'll be happy with. Step up to be de-Icked! Only 5 dollars! Mr. Krabs: Now can I get you a Krabby Patty? Unknown Fish: In the light of today's events, that notion is crass and offensive. I'll take two, please. Mr. Krabs: Alright!
Here you go, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Another 5 dollars for another de-Ickin'.
Look, Gary! You made me all sparkly! You're the best bottom feeder a sponge could ever have!
Mr. Krabs: Aye, and a great money maker ya are, too. Now, back to work! Johnny: Salutations, heroic devotees! I hope you're securely seated and sufficiently hydrated, because coming up next, it's the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy marathon!
We got to make sure we have the necessary supplies for this marathon.
Patrick: Let's do this!
Okay, how are we on snacks?
Patrick: Oh, hmm... I don't know. We might be able to pull through... the first hour.
Check. Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy action figures? Check. Drapes?
Patrick: Check.
Lampshade?
Patrick: Check.
Thermometer? Check. Ukulele, throw pillow, screensaver, incense, snail cozy, headgear?
Patrick: Check.
And...
Computerized Watch: It's time. It's time. It's time to fight... evil!
It's time, Patrick! I hope we can make do with the few provisions we have...
Johnny: For sixty-some-odd years, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy have quadruple-handedly kept the sea crime-free. And in celebration of such longevity, we're kicking off this weekend-long hero fest with the never-before-aired Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Origin Special! And now, without further fanfare, the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Origin Spe-
No... NO! No! This is terrible! How will we see the Origin Special now? Squidward! Squidward! Let us in! We're missing the Mermaid Man marathon!
Squidward: Go away! I've got better things to do than watch grown men prance around in ridiculous outfits. ...what? Circuit must've blown again.
Hey, thanks for letting us in, Squidward.
Patrick: Yeah, we owe you one! What now, SpongeBob?
I don't know, Patrick. All the TVs in Bikini Bottom are knocked out! We have to find a secure place, some place that can survive this whirlwind. Hey, that's it. If we want to see Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's origin, we'll just go to the source. Follow me, Patrick.
Patrick: Thanks for nothing, Squidward. Squidward: So sorry to have put such a wrinkle in your plans!
We made it! Patrick, get up! We have found the Mermalair!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Again! Barnacle Boy: Oh, boy. SpongeBob and Patrick: Again! Barnacle Boy: Do you mind telling us what you're doing here? Patrick: We wanna watch your TV! Barnacle Boy: I hate to break it to you kids, but you'll have to go somewhere else. Our power got knocked out in the storm. Patrick: But, but... now how will we ever learn about their secret gorinin?
Hang on a minute, Patrick, we've got Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy standing right over here!
Patrick: ...Yeah, so?
So, if we want to hear their origin, why don't we just ask them?
Patrick: Whoa! You're like a brain professor!
Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy, we wanna know how this all started.
Mermaid Man: You wanna go back to the start of it all, eh? Well, you see, in the beginning, it was all dark. And then all of a sudden, an event called The Big Splash formed the seas, and- Barnacle Boy: Not the beginning of time, Mermaid-Brain. They want to know how we became a crime-fighting duo. Mermaid Man: Oh... right. Well, it all started when I was just a young, handsome muscular lad, when suddenly, I noticed that my washing machine had stopped. Barnacle Boy: What are you talking about? Mermaid Man: Huh? Barnacle Boy: You're supposed to be telling the story of how we became superheroes! Mermaid Man: ...The story. Yes. I was a young, handsome muscular lad, soaking up the sun's rays on the beach, when suddenly, I became drowsy. A wave came ashore, and drew me back into the ocean! Suddenly, I realized I was being sucked under by a violent whirlpool! I was running out of oxygen fast. But before I drowned, I was rescued by mermaids. They took me to the ocean floor, where they gave me a magic sea star that allowed me to breathe underwater. Barnacle Boy: Wake up, you old coot. Finish the story. Mermaid Man: Huh?
Yeah, Mermaid Man, what about Barnacle Boy?
Patrick: Yeah, how'd you two meet? Mermaid Man: Oh, sorry, boys... There I was in the ocean, the only human who could breathe underwater. Alas, such a life got lonely real fast; I had no other humans to talk to. What was a man to do? Then my question was answered. Captain: Hey, barnacle boy, make sure you scrape the barnacles underneath, too. Young Barnacle Boy: Aye, aye. Flashback Mermaid Man: A boy in trouble! I've got to act fast or he'll drown. Fear not, young man. I'll take care of this. Mermaid Man: I used my new telekinetic powers to draw barnacles into Barnacle Boy's body, where they took the place of his lungs so he could breathe underwater, too. It was at that moment when we decided to team up.
Ohhhh, so that's how you guys got together.
Barnacle Boy: No, no, no... The reason I teamed up with this joker is because I was stuck breathing underwater for the rest of my life. Mermaid Man: Oh... yeah. Barnacle Boy: Anyway, from that day forward, we became Johnny: Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, superhero crime fighters! Flashback Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: A crime in progress! Banker: Stop! Thief! Flashback Barnacle Boy: See if you think this is funny, evildoer. Who's laughing now, thieving scum? Banker: Thank you, sir. And to whom do I owe this debt of gratitude? Flashback Mermaid Man: You can thank me, Mermaid Man. Man Ray: You're mine! Flashback Barnacle Boy: How'd you like to taste my tentacle zapper, Man Ray? Flashback Mermaid Man: Hello... So? What are you wearing? Oh. In that case, can I get a large pepperoni pizza, extra cheese? Thanks. Mermaid Man: That didn't happen! Barnacle Boy: Oh, yes, it did! Mermaid Man: Oh no, it didn't! Barnacle Boy: Oh, ha ha, like you remember. You don't even remember where you live. Mermaid Man: It didn't happen! Johnny: And now, without any further delays, the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Origin Episode.
Oh, this is it!
Johnny: The story of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy all started here. Tim: Come on, Ernie! The movie's about to start... Where's the popcorn? Ernie: It's in the microwave, Tim. Johnny: At that very moment in the apartment directly above, a rogue scientist doing tests on radioactive ants knocks over a jar of his infected specimens, one of which, without any hesitation, crawls down one floor and miraculously lands undetected. It viciously bites our soon-to-be superhero. He screams in pain,... Ernie: Ahh! Johnny: ...stumbling backwards. Tim: What on earth? Johnny: In a split-second, both men find themselves in a freefall that sends them squarely through the roof of a vats of acid factory, and into a vat of acid that is tipped over by an errant alien spaceship, carrying the two blindly on a wave of acid during a solar eclipse on a leap year, precariously careening onto a bomb-testing site, where a cataclysmic explosion exposes our heroes in waiting to highly toxic radium gases. Then, as fate would have it, magical storm clouds move in, zapping both men with a neon-plaid lightning bolt and raining radioactive ooze, which, through centrifugal and electromagnetic turbulence, causes a powerful earthquake deep in the jungle two-thousand miles away, consequently unearthing a magical crystal with wings that flies to Ernie and Tim's exact location, and, powered by super gamma energy currents, pilots them to open skies until, not paying attention, the crystal clips the top of a billboard, flinging the two back to their apartment miraculously unharmed, when... Ernie: Hey, the popcorn's ready! Johnny: ...they proceed with movie night and eat slightly overcooked popcorn. Tim: Mmmm... I think you overcooked this a little. Johnny: Suddenly, an amazing reaction to the overcooked popcorn hits them with a jolt of cosmic super energy, metamorphosing Ernie into an incredibly strong, seastar-wearing superhero and Tim into a slightly less strong, but also super sailor-looking guy. Tim: I have the sudden and incredibly urge to breathe water instead of air. Ernie: As do I. Johnny: And that is how they became the superheroes we have come to know as... Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: Defenders of the Deep! Barnacle Boy: Oh, feels just like yesterday, doesn't it, Mermaid Man? Mermaid Man: ...No, not really. Barnacle Boy: Hmm... Oh, so what do you boys think? Boys?
Okay, Patrick, the overcooked popcorn will be ready in twelve minutes!
Patrick: This is gonna be so super awesome!
So superhero awesome!
Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: No! Stop! But you're not superhero material! Look at those shoes! Patrick: Could you pass the chips, SpongeBob?
Sorry, Patrick. We're all out.
Patrick: Oh, barnacles! What am I going to do with all this dip!?
Patrick!
Squidward: What are you two morons doing?
Waiting to watch the sunrise with you.
Squidward: At 3:47 in the morning?
Uh-huh.