Non-SpongeBob Dialogue
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Squidward: In my bedroom? | We come here every morning. |
Squidward: You sneak into my house every morning? | Uh-huh. |
Patrick: It's our favorite pastime. | Ah, the memories we've shared, right in this room. They're all here in this memory book. Here we are on the Fourth of July. And Valentine's Day. Oh, you looked so cute on Easter. What's wrong, Squidward? |
Squidward: Do you remember what I told you happens to my brain every time I see you? SpongeBob and Patrick: Story time! | Can I tell it this time, Squidward? Pretty please? Whenever Squidward sees us, the storm clouds in his brain roll in and a nasty storm rages. So, Squidward's happy gland is forced to take shelter in the recesses of his mind. But the happy gland can't find a recess deep enough, so he gets the flu and has to stay in bed until we leave. |
Squidward: And that is why I will never, for as long as I live, and throughout all time and eternity, ever-- French Narrator: 3 hours later... Squidward: And with every fiber of my being, I know that I never want to see you two again-- | Squidward? |
Squidward: --for as long as time shall stand. | Uh, Squidward? |
Squidward: What? SpongeBob and Patrick: Oh. | Thanks for sharing this moment with us, Squidward. |
Squidward: Get out! Perfect. | Wow, that's a nice one. Thanks for inviting us to your big fencewarming party. |
Squidward: Oh, of course. Come, have a seat. The picnic's about to start. | Oh, this is so neat. |
Patrick: I've never picnicked on a catapult before. Have you, SpongeBob? Squidward: It worked! Now I just turn on the electric fence. Now, they'll never get back in. Patrick: Let's do it again. | Let's do it again. |
Patrick: Can we, Squidward? Squidward: Huh? What? No! Get out! | But-- |
Squidward: No! You're going out this door, right now-- | You're not mad at us, are you, Squidward? Squidward? Squidward? Well, okay then. You look like you need some alone time. We'll be at the petting zoo if you need us. |
Squidward: Do they have cute sea horses there? | Yeah, they're pretty adorable. |
Squidward: And the little scallops that nibble on your fingers when you feed them? | Oh, yeah. |
Squidward: Can I come? SpongeBob and Patrick: Ooh—yeah. Good night, Squidward. | Hey, Patrick. Did you notice anything different about Squidward? |
Patrick: Uh, new glasses? | No, no. I mean he seems happier. |
Squidward: Good night, Bikini Bottom. I love you! Patrick: He's probably happy about his new glasses. Squidward: Good morning, SpongeBob. Honk! | Squidward, what are you doing here? |
Squidward: You were right, SpongeBob. Watching the sunrise together is much better. | Oh, yeah. I forgot. The new Squidward. I guess I better get ready for work. Boy, the new Squidward sure is friendly. The new Squidward sure is helpful. Huh? The new Squidward sure is hygienic. Boy—the new Squidward sure is chummy. Ah, this is more like it. Just me, my grill, and you, Mr. Smiley Face Krabby Patty. No one can come between us. |
Squidward: Hello, SpongeBob. | S-S-Squidward! Aren't you supposed to be out front? |
Squidward: I wanted to help you work. | What? Oh, that's silly talk, Squidward. I'm chief fry cook, and we fry cooks work alone. And, uh-- --we're not supposed to get distracted while we're cooking, Squidward! |
Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward! Stop distracting SpongeBob and serve the customers! Squidward: How are we today? Everything a-okay here? Tom: What do you mean? Squidward: How's your meal? Anyone need tartar sauce? I have an idea. How about a free Krusty Krab Junior crew hat for the little tyke. Little Kid Fish: Mommy, I'm scared. Squidward: Who wants a free refill? Mr. Krabs: Did someone just say free? What's the problem here? Little Kid Fish: He- he-- he asked me if I wanted tartar sauce, and then he gave me a free hat! Mr. Krabs: Free?! Mr. Squidward! Squidward: Yes, sir. Mr. Krabs: Listen up. Me customers come here for cheap food and verbal abuse, and if you can't get it right, get back in the kitchen with SpongeBob. | Whoa! Squidward, what are you doing? |
Squidward: Mr. Krabs told me to help you, so I made Krabby Patties. | Oh, these will never do. Besides, it takes years of practice and you'd never be up to it. |
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob? What are you doing with those patties? | Oh, these are no good, Mr. Krabs. Squidward made them. |
Mr. Krabs: They look okay to me. | But he's not a real fry cook. |
Mr. Krabs: He is now. Give him an apron and put him to work. You know, he might be as good a fry cook as you. Squidward: Wow, SpongeBob! You've been Employee of the Month a gazillion times. I wish I could be employee of the month. | Actually, Squidward, in point of fact, I've been Employee of the Month a gazillion and six times. Keep dreaming. |
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob? | Yes, Mr. Krabs? |
Mr. Krabs: What's the meaning of this? | What's wrong with it? |
Mr. Krabs: A smiley face with dimples? | Dimples? It was him! New Squidward did it. |
Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward? Squidward: Yes, sir. Mr. Krabs: I have one thing to say to you, mister. Oh, I just love the little ketchup dimples you do! You're the new Employee of the Month. Patrick: Special delivery. For this month's Employee of the Month. I wonder who it could be. As if I didn't know. No, really. who is it? I don't know. | The guy you're looking for is over there. |
Patrick: Oh. SpongeBob? | Yes? |
Patrick: I want you to pull yourself together, okay? And then I want you to-- | Mm-hmm? |
Patrick: Help me spell 'Squidward'. | Okay. |
Patrick: Thanks, SpongeBob. Party at my house! Squidward: Enjoying the party, SpongeBob? How's the cake, SpongeBob? | It's okay, Squidward. It's a very okay cake. |
Squidward: I love being Employee of the Month. | Oh, so what if New Squidward is a better cook than you? Doesn't matter. And so what if Squidward replaced you as Employee of the Month? And so what if New Squidward is pogo-dancing with your best friend? Pogo-dancing with your best friend?! Stop! Maybe you can take my job! And maybe you can take my place on the employee of the month wall of fame! But nobody, and I mean nobody, pogo dances with that guy but me! Now do yourself a big fat favor and get out, bub! You know, Patrick. maybe I was a little hard on New Squidward. I mean, he might be a good fry cook. and he might have his picture on the wall, but I still have the best friend in the world I know. I'll go apologize. Come on. Squidward, I just want to say I'm sorry for being so selfish, and yelling at you and all. I mean, who cares about cooking, pictures on the wall and dancing. We're bigger than that, right? So, if you're willing to let bygones be bygones, then I'm willing to meet you half way. What do you say, buddy? Put her there. |
Patrick: He's too proud. | Oh, I'll just meet you all the way. Lay one on me, pal. |
Patrick: Hey, I want to dance funny, too! Squidward: SpongeBob! Patrick! What are you two still doing here? | What are you talking about? |
Patrick: Yeah, what's the big idea? I don't need this aggravation! Why are you still standing here?! | Hey, Sandy. Hey, Sandy. Hey, Sandy! Wow! |
Sandy: Howdy, SpongeBob, how do you like it? | What is it? |
Sandy: It's a rocket ship, duh! I'll meet you downstairs and show you around. | Wow, what are you gonna do with it? |
Sandy: I'm goin' to the moon, SpongeBob! | The moon! Can I go? |
Sandy: No way, SpongeBob. Especially after your little mishap with my whirlybird. Besides, there's not enough room for you. | But I don't take up that much space! See? I can fit in here. Mmm, cozy. |
Sandy: I need that drawer. | Well, how about... This? Or this? Or this? |
Sandy: SpongeBob, this isn't for fun. See this? This is science. I don't have time for games and I don't have time for stowaways. | Fine. Put me in the brig, I don't mind! |
Sandy: That's the air vent, SpongeBob. I need that, too. | Oh, please, can I go? Can I? Can I? Huh? Please? |
Sandy: All right. Y'all can ride in the cargo hold if you just... | YEAH!!! Goin' to the moon! Moon ride, moon ride, moon ride! |
Sandy: But this time, just don't touch anything, okay? | Wow, look at that pop gun. Are we gonna go hunting aliens on the moon? |
Sandy: Aww, hush, silly. This is for harvesting moon rocks. | Well, when you're done playing with rocks, you could use that for some serious alien hunting. |
Sandy: Aliens? Are you nuts? I've been to the moon, there are no aliens. | Sandy, Sandy, Sandy. How could you be so naïve? There's evidence all around us. How do you explain Atlantis, cow licks, 99¢ stores? And how about those mysterious circles that pop up in kelp fields over night? Ah! There's one now! |
Sandy: SpongeBob, you don't know the first thing about outer space. Now go home and get some shut eye. Be here tomorrow at the crack of dawn and leave your crazy alien notions behind. | Oh, hurry up! These oughta do the trick. |
Patrick: Hi ya, SpongeBob! | What is it, Patrick? Can't you see I'm sleeping here? |
Patrick: Well, I know you're going on that moon trip tomorrow, so I just wanted to bring you something. | A present? |
Patrick: No. Uh, SpongeBob, is Sandy's rocket alien proof? | There are no aliens, Patrick. Just ask Sandy. |
Patrick: Well, I guess you won't be needing this alien repellent for your trip! | Alien repellent? Let me see that. New Alien-Out Window Protectant. Does not stop burglars. Well, I guess you're right, Patrick. We'd better go spray those windows! |
Patrick: Look how big it is, SpongeBob! | It's pretty impressive, all right. |
Patrick: Come on! | We're just here to spray the windows, Patrick! |
Patrick: Wow. How do you think we get inside? | We don't, we're just spraying the... ...windows. |
Patrick: I opened it, SpongeBob! Come on! Holy sea cow, SpongeBob. This must be the control room. | Yeah, just don't touch anything. |
Patrick: Look, I'm winning! | Patrick, cut that out! Patrick, come on, we can't hang around in here. This is Sandy's big rocket, not some kind of a fun... ...house? |
Patrick: WOO-HOO! WINNER! YEAH! HIGH SCORE! | Hey, Patrick, what game was that, anyway? |
Patrick: I don't know! But let's see what this does! | Patrick, I don't think we should... |
Patrick: I like rockets. Patrick: More! More! | No more! Okay, one more. Okay, that's enough. Let's go. |
Patrick: Hey, I think this one starts it! | Stop, Patrick, what are you doing? I'm the space traveler here. And I happen to know that that particular button is riiight over here. |
Patrick: You started the rocket! Sandy: ...Awwwww, Spongebob... Patrick: Hold on, buddy! Hey, we stopped falling! | Look! We're in space now! Wee! |
Patrick: Hey! Whoa! Somebody get me down, or up, or something! Hey, SpongeBob, watch this! | Hey, you got your toothpaste in my peanut butter! Patrick, I can do this! |
Patrick: Hey, who turned the heavy back on? | We must be landing. |
Patrick: All right! Sandy: Sometimes that SpongeBob is as dumb as a sack of peanuts. Patrick: Wow, it sure looks a lot like home. Hey, look, it's Gary! Come here, Gary. Gary! | Wait, don't go near it, Patrick! Can't you see this is all a trick? The aliens are projecting our memories onto the environment! They're trying to confuse us, Patrick. |
Patrick: So you mean to say they’ve taken what we thought we think and make us think we thought our thoughts we’ve been thinking our thoughts we think we thought?! I think? | Okay, but I'm not gonna to fall for it! Yeah! |
Patrick: You got him, SpongeBob! Won't Sandy be proud. | Sandy. I forgot about her. She's gonna hate us for stealing her rocket. But won't she feel silly when I bring home a real live alien? Aww, she'll love me! Come on, Patrick, the more, the merrier! |
Patrick: Alien hunting! Alien hunting! | Shh, quiet, Patrick, don't let them know we're onto them. Uh, yeah, alien hunting. I saw that on TV, too. Gee, Patrick, let's drop in on our old pal Squidward and see what he's up to! Make sure your gun is pumped. Look at it, Patrick, it's disgusting. It's even uglier up close. Let's begin the analysis. |
Patrick: Wait! What's THAT? I think I'm gonna be sick. | Patrick, do you know what this thing is? |
Patrick: Stinky. | No. It's an egg sack! Let's look at the embryo. |
SpongeBob and Patrick: Twins! Patrick: Pardon my French, but get this thing off me! Squidward: Patrick and SpongeBob? Get out of my bedroom! And give me back my tentacles! Patrick: It's awake! | Let's capture the little phony! |
Squidward: Get away from me! Mr. Krabs: Ahoy, there, lads! Up a bit late to be playing pirate, aren't ye? Wait! Don't shoot! Okay, okay, shoot me, but don't take me money! | We don't want your money... moon man! Look at them squirming around in there. |
Patrick: Eww, gross. | Well, there's plenty more where those came from. |
Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob, what are you doing here so late? Whatever this is... ...it's going on your permanent record! Patrick: SpongeBob, I think we might have to make a second trip. | There's no time for that! Just push harder. |
Sandy: SpongeBob, what are y'all doing? I can't turn my back on you for two seconds without you causing a whole mess of trouble. Why look at ya, bagging up all your friends and neighbors just like they were a fresh crop of hickory smoked sausages. You darned turned my little science experiment into a disaster. You two oughta should be ashamed of... | Nice try, Sandy. |
Patrick: Or should I say Ms. Alien Pants. Hahaha! Sandy: Aliens? Is that what this is about? This isn't the moon! We're still in Bikini Bot-- | It just goes to show you: you can't trust anyone. So, you were an alien all the time and you didn't even tell me! |
Patrick: I didn't even know! | Yeah? Well, I got you now. |
Patrick: Oh, but it's not you that's got me, it's... ...me that's got me! | Boy, I can't wait to see the look on Sandy's face! Sandy, I'm back! Wow, Bikini Bottom sure looks different. Uh-oh... |
Everyone else: SpongeBob, we aliens would like a word with you! Mr. Krabs: Here they come, lads! | Hooray! |
Squidward: Fantastic. Mr. Krabs: Thank you very much, madam. I feel so alive! ♪Cha ching. Cha-ching. Cha-chingaree. Money, oh money, how I love thee. Cha-ching. Cha-chong. Cha-changaroo. From pennies to dollars. Any amount will do. Cha-ching. Cha-ching. It's no contest. There's only one thing that I love the best from every sight I ever seen, to sweetest sound I've heard. I'd gladly give up everything for all the money that I've earned! Cha-ching. Cha-ching. Cha-chingaring. There's nothing on Earth like the feeling of greed. There's nothing on Earth like the feeling of greed!♪ Squidward: Please don't do that again. Howard: I think the stain glass barstool can go over here. And the suede hand carved wooden sports flag display case can go over there. Mr. Krabs: Ahoy there, matey. Can I help you gentlemen with something? Howard: I'd like to speak to the owner. Mr. Krabs: Who wants to know? Howard: Allow me to introduce myself. Howard Blandy: President of the Blandy Franchising Company. Mr. Krabs: Howard Blandy? You mean the Howard Blandy? The Howard Blandy that masterminded the ruthless takeover of every small family owned business in Bikini Bottom? That Howard Blandy? I worship you. Howard: Get it together, little man. Mr. Krabs: Sorry, it's just you're rich. I'm Mr. Krabs. To what do I owe the honor of having you at the Krusty Krab, Howard? Howard: What would it take to buy the Krusty Krab from you? Mr. Krabs: Buy the Krusty Krab? It's not for sale. You know, I may not make as much as your fancy-schmancy-migger restaurant chain, but it's the blood, sweat, and tears of a hard days work. It's not about the mon... Holy sweet mother of pearl! I like the way you think, Blandy. But it's gonna take a lot more than a suitcase of cash to buy the Krusty Krab from me. Howard: Oh, there's a lot more than that. The rest is over there. Mr. Krabs: Jumpin' King Neptune! Sold. Can I have my money? Howard: Just one thing. If you can sign this contract. It just states that you relinquish the Krusty Krab and all proprietary ownership thereof. Along with its employees, merchandise, logos, and cash registers. Mr. Krabs: Do I still get the money? Howard: Of course. Mr. Krabs: That'll be fine then. Here you go. Now gimme gimme gimme gimme. Whoo-ha! See ya around. | What's happening? Mr Krabs! Mr Krabs, they're putting up pennants in the Krusty Krab. What's going on? |
Mr. Krabs: I'm retiring! | Retiring? |
Mr. Krabs: I'm free to do whatever I want. I can learn to ride that bicycle I got 30 years ago. Or go to the new hook museum downtown. Or even paint bowls of fruit. Aren't you happy for me? | I sure am. |
Mr. Krabs: So long, boys. | Have fun, Mr. Krabs. |
Squidward: Heaven knows I won't. Carl: Hi, gentlemen, I'm Carl. I'll be your new manager. | New manager? |
Carl: I think you'll find working at the Krabby O'Monday’s to be a both learning experience and enjoyable one. | Krabby O'Monday’s? |
Carl: You won't be needing these anymore. Now here are your new uniforms and here are the... employee manuals. See ya first thing tomorrow. Mr. Krabs: Ahh, the sweet smell of a brand-new day. First stop: the new hook museum. And then maybe I'll... Hey, the Krabby O'Monday’s? Not the name I would've chosen, but that's all behind me now. Wait a minute. I hate golf! Well, I've done everything I wanted to do. And it's not even noon. Pearl: Did you see the shoes she has on? So last year. Hold on, Gina. Yeah, Dad? Mr. Krabs: How's it going? Pearl: Fine. Mr. Krabs: Whatcha up to? Pearl: I'm talking on the phone! Mr. Krabs: Oh, really? Pearl: Really. Mr. Krabs: Oh. Pearl: Dad, isn't there something you need to do? Mr. Krabs: Actually, I was hoping you and I could do something together. Pearl: Get out! That's it, Dad. Get a job, get a hobby, or get some friends. Because I can't take it anymore! Mr. Krabs: Get some friends she says, find a hobby she says, get a job she says... Help wanted. Squidward: Ahoy there, mateys. Welcome to Krabby O'Monday’s. Tyler: It's my birthday. Squidward: Can I start you off with... Mother: Will you sing the Krabby O'Monday’s birthday song to my special little man? Squidward: Happy, happy birthday. Happy, happy bir... Carl: Uhh, Squidward, can I talk to you for a second? What's our motto here at Krabby O'Monday’s? Squidward: Sincere service with a smile? Carl: Well, yes, but with the Krabby O'Monday’s spirit. Now, Squidward, you wouldn't want to have to talk to human resources... ...would you? So, what's our motto again? Squidward: Sincere service with a smile. Carl: Now you're gettin' it. Mr. Krabs: Morning, SpongeBob. | Mr. Krabs! What are you doing here? |
Mr. Krabs: Retirement ain't all it's cracked up to be. So, I'm the new bus boy. Uhh, okay, son. You're starting to creep my out. | I knew you'd come back, Mr. Krabs, I just knew you would. |
Mr. Krabs: Okay, boy, back to work. | Aye aye, sir. |
Mr. Krabs: I'm not your boss anymore. Just call me Eugene. | Aye aye... Eugene. |
Mr. Krabs: Ahoy, Squidward. Squidward: Ahoy, Eugene! Would you mind clearing this table for me? Mr. Krabs: Sure, Squidward. Ya know, I've never seen you so happy. Squidward: They're watching us. Mr. Krabs: That guy's a real pain in the hindquarters, eh Squiddy? Squidward: Uhh, Eugene, I think you need to look at page 20 of our employee handbook again. Mr. Krabs: Oh, I don't need Carl's silly rules. Squidward: I really think you should look. Mr. Krabs: What's this? Help me? Carl: Hey fellas, what's going on over here? Squidward: Oh, hey, Carl, uhh, I was just reminding Eugene of article 24 section 3 of our employee handbook. Carl: Cut the chatter, and pick up a platter. Good job, Squidward. Mr. Krabs: What have you done to the real Squidward? Carl: The less you know, Eugene, the better. Mr. Krabs: What's going on around here? Where's SpongeBob? | Where's the love? |
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what happened to the Krabby Patties? | I tried to tell them... but they wouldn't listen to me! |
Mr. Krabs: This is obscene. Carl, I need to have a word with... Cash Register: Your change is $1.75. Mr. Krabs: Automated cash register? Noo! Hey, Carl, what have you done to me restaurant? Processed Krabby Patties? Computerized registers? Carl: Look around you. Our customers are quite content with the contrived and the mediocre. Mr. Krabs: That's because they don't know what they're eating. Excuse me, ma'am, do you know what's in that Krabby Patty you're eating? Martha Smith: No. Mr. Krabs: See that? Without all your smoke & mirrors, no one would stomach this garbage. Frank: What'd he say? Garbage? Carl: Eugene, you're in violation of your contract. Mr. Krabs: Rules! Here's a rule for ya: people can't eat stain glass barstools! I'll show you automated! Carl: Mr. Blandy? Code red! Free thinker! Howard: Mr. Krabs, is there a problem here? Mr. Krabs: You better believe there's a problem! I used to kiss the ground you walked on, Blandy! But after seeing this, I wouldn't even spit in your direction! Krabby Patties are supposed to be made by hand, one at a time! Not on a conveyor belt! Carl: Oh, my. Does this mean I won't get that raise, sir? Howard: It's ruined! Friend: We'll have to sell it. We'll be lucky if we get a fraction of what we paid for it. Mr. Krabs: I'll buy it for full price. Friend: Sold. We won't need your contract anymore. Nice doing business with you. Mr. Krabs: Pleasure's all mine. Now get out of me restaurant. Well, we did it, boys. The Krusty Krab is ours again. Ya know, in a fit of maniacal rage, I may have destroyed the restaurant, scared away all our customers, and forced us into bankruptcy because I returned nearly every penny I sold this stink heap for, but it was all worth it. And I got back the love of my dear friends. Squidward: Really, Mr. Krabs? Mr. Krabs: No, not really. Get back to work! Plankton: Karen: Plankton, is that you? Welcome home, honey. Plankton: Karen: How was your day? Dear Neptune, Plankton! What is that smell?!? Plankton: The aroma you speak of, Karen, my computer wife, is the stench of failure. Stench: Failure. Plankton: And now, the smell of defeat so deeply penetrates my soul that my very skin is permeated with its foul stench. Thanks for asking. Karen: Well, it smells horrible! You're not coming in here smelling like that! Plankton: Hey! What are you—? Plankton: Stop that at once! You—! Plankton: I command you to—! Plankton: Oh, no! Karen: There you go. Now. don't you feel better? Plankton: Although I do look ravishing, it's not enough to mask the ugliness I feel inside. Karen: Did I miss a spot? Karen: Don't blow a gasket, dear. Today's a special day! Plankton: Special day? Karen: Yes. We're celebrating your biggest accomplishment ever! Plankton: Really? I accomplished something? What is it? Karen: It has something with you asking a certain someone to spend the rest of her life with you. Plankton: What? Karen: We each wear rings in memory of this moment. Plankton: Enough with the riddles, woman! Just tell me what this proud moment in my life is! Karen: Oh, you selfish, green twit! It's our wedding anniversary! Plankton: Oh, that. Yippee. Karen: You forgot! And I got you the perfect gift! Plankton: The Krabby Patty Formula?!? How did you get it?!? Karen: First I went to the Krusty Krab... Karen: One Krabby Patty, please. Karen: Thank you. Squidward: Whatever. Plankton: What? Sorry. I wasn't listening. Well, you can tell me later. Karen: You're not getting this until you get me a gift. Plankton: Karen: From your heart. | And that's the story of how I got my head stuck in the fry vat. |
Squidward: That story gets better every time you tell it, SpongeBo— | Hold on! Did you hear that? It sounds like... ...despair. |
Squidward: That was probably me. | No. No. Not bitterness. Despair. And it's coming from over... this way. Plankton! What's wrong, Plankton? |
Plankton: Wha—? SpongeBob? Ah...there's nothing wrong. Don't worry. I'm...fine. | Come on. Tell your Uncle SpongeBob. |
Plankton: Oh, it's nothing. It's just that today is my wedding anniversary. | Aww...what present did you buy your wife, huh? What'd you buy her? |
Plankton: Uh, I didn't buy Karen anything. | We've got a love emergency! Attention everyone, we've got a love emergency! Please stand back. Love emergency. Thank You. Love emergency. Plankton, there's only one thing you need to do. You need to give her a present from in here. |
Plankton: What? Like a kidney? | No, from the heart. That's where your love grows. |
Plankton: My what? | Your love. |
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