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Nothing but my career– I wish you would kill me. Please– is that what I’m here for? To cut my head off? Trust me, no one gives a shit– The old man laughed again.
And you sell information, he said. For this job. Yes. I know your firm .
All I thought was: if you send a text like this you better explain, faggot. Some day I’ll wake up to a text that she’s dead.
I accept this. But it better say: Astrid is dead .
No one does but somehow it happens. She was 20; her cunt was dirty; she’d been out drinking and hadn’t showered in 36 hours and he knew he’d be smelling his left hand jerking off for days.
Nature accepts no substitutes. He went to look at Whatsapp with the feeling of just having fucked new pussy.
I don’t want people to think I shit at work, but it’s the lesser evil. Back to my cubicle. It looks like a cartoon of an office.
Like an office from Staples commercials where it’s clear no one involved has had a real job. T he walls are beige and the guy next to me has a poster that explains ATTITUDE. Black phone, black computer.
And you bite my FUCKING head off about the… FUCKING… SOAP! She was on him before he knew what was happening. She had a lucky hit, the chef’s knife went right under his ribs.
It felt hot. He tried to breath but but only got half full; on his left side the air was hissing out of a wet hole and it felt like someone was standing on his chest in boots.
SLAA, cringing men crying over wives who left them. Not even because they cheated.
The wives left because they masturbated. AA does work to make you stop drinkin g.
You have to do it instinctually without expecting anything. Without being mad at them for being fat brown camouflaged blobs who see it as their life’s purpose to fucking sit there waiting for me to shake my bright plumage in front of panthers to impress you, you whore, while you date- not even some other guy- NO ONE.
While you date NO ONE. GET FUCKED. 39.
She was buying beets. I’m good, he said. It was partially true.
He lived alone. His cat had been killed by a neighbor ’s pit bull.
Yesterday the ER told me it’s a hemorrhoid, which it isn’t. It’s an anorectal abscess.
I know from the internet. Sudden onset anal pain that escalates quickly. Coupled with fever and chills. Lethal if left untreated, bu t lancing provides instant relief. ********** I had finally called the insurance helpline.
9AM. The HR head would review his evaluation.
They’d have budgeted an amount. But they wouldn’t mention money unless he asked. They’d pass his request to some anonymous personage.
My stools were already pillow soft. I can either sit in the bath or lay face first on the couch. Fine.
What would I have done anyway. I have no job.
They kissed for a minute and then turned their attention back to the movie. The Baader Meinhof Complex.
Young German terrorists suffer from brutality, paranoia and infighting as they campaign violently to end American imperialism over 10 years. The women were painfully hot. The message, therefore, was: become a terrorist.
Who are you kidding. I’ll never be a young man again and soon I’ll be dead. Let’s face it: I have nothing to live for.
I exist because my sudden death would make other people sad. I’m of service to other alcoholics who are probably lying and using me. Showing my letters to the parole board.
Fiddle dee fuckin dee. Every cruise ship ad says “ships registered in Liberia.” It’s not because of Liberia’s rich naval history and stringent maritime safety laws. Companies will go where they can, do what they can, to fuck the most people the hardest.
They must. They have an ethical obligation to maximize short- term gain for shareholders.
Because she had this thing about me being autistic. The teacher tried to fuck her.
Anyway I bailed. Been a while now. Two years. I moved out and went down the street and then just kind of kept getting farther away.
I hate white people. The feng shui is off here. Every seat exposed so everyone in the room can read your laptop.
It’s hard to look at girls’ tits. So it was designed by an idiot.
She is willowy and her skin is golden and her hair is the tail of a black unicorn. I want to die and come back as her tapeworm.
Frolic forever in the H.R. Giger wonderland of her ridgy pink colon. White women, any flaw becomes a dealbreaker.
But why now, why now, when I have dreams about the smell of your fucking hair. I don’t want to lose you, he thought. I don’t want to lose you.
He didn’t say it. ********** In the morning he edited his OKCupid profile. Changed from “seeing someone” to “single.” His face would appear in a column of updates for age- appropriate women when they signed in.
His cock pushing on his thigh felt hot like a fever that made you speak gibberish. The last stop was Sierra Madre, by the foot of the Angeles Crest. No one went there now.
The national forest was closed from the fires and the gangs had been dumpi ng bodies off the hiking trails. The train made sounds like thunder and his phone dinged and he knew it was his boss without looking. Ahh-ahhhh, said the girl, staring at him with her black eyes.
Laptop open. He was afraid if he let his computer sleep Windows would install a software update, while he was presenting.
He stuck in the USB drive. It was upside down.
Not rich not married no kids. I have a mildly popu lar blog and I can play Bach on guitar– the achievements of a 17 y ear old.
Help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety– for what. So they too can be platitude spouting jerkoffs. Don’t want to turn 40.
I could stop be ing like this.********** When I walk down the street with her I want other people to see. I look at her facebook and her friends are like this too.
Flawless. All divorced, rich husbands.
They were beautiful. Broad and slim and gleaming with sapphire glass; nicer than any he’d ever seen.
Placed with care at at different heights and angles like the flowers on an orchid. They must have costthousands.
A girl looked at me; I better do something about it. This is it, Rocky.
Your one shot. She looks away, then back.
I snapped awake. Now with the light, can’t get back to sleep. I’d been getting sick.
Your immune system gets compromis ed which makes you sick which makes you agitated which makes you not sleep which makes your immune system compromised. Their new second baby will get older and louder and they’ll have six more kids who’ll turn into Finnish strong man competitors within two weeks of birth. Now I’m sick and retarded.
The missile streaks across the sky, spiraling as it homes in on the LAPD’s heat signature. The bird spins only a few times since the fuckers fly low enough to almost touch.
Plunges half cocked into my neighbor’s courtyard where the barking dogs are also immolated. The other neighbor’s truck with the variable-rhythm alarm that goes off if a dandelion petal lands on its hood explodes magnificently in flame.
Still gave you a long kiss goodby e. You knew you had something.
Youwent home feeling possibility. You could see yourself with her.
Go smok e crack and get gang banged by methheads again you whore. When I stopped she kept going.
Something something I know where you work. I said that’s right, I have a job.
Looks in here eyes when I nut. Thank you baby for making this sacrifice.
But the hot one loves it. Some kind of school athletic club. Teenage girl in tights.
And then after that, fucking school , and after that fucking homework , and dinner with them asking how’s school how’s homework. Nothing else. She cares about you. She fucking called my science teacher about how I might do better in class.
I don’t even care about science. But she thought I had to.
We want a rock star who, when some miscreant has blocked the boss’ parking space, manages to get the offender towed and the boss’ car parked in his space and the seat readjusted to the boss’ height and lumbar curvature and neck angle and the keys back on the boss’ desk and when the boss gets out of his meeting it’s like the whole thingnever happened, and not asking for credit for this, it’s just assumed. Just like Jimi Hendrix would have done. Motivated self-starter.
We fired the last passionate rock star without notice so there is no one to train you; we expect you to just know. Detail-oriented. We cannot manage you in other words, we whose job title is “manager.” I can’t be out there being passionately driven to develop new business for Wong & Goldblum Financials LLC if I’m here holding your hand through how to file my expense reports.
Mexican girl,small teeth big gums but she’s diligent about her homework. Something about that makes me need to put another hideous thing like me into her belly and ruin her dreams and flee the country. Every man is like this.
Your father is like this. Your teacher and your clergyman.
We would call through San Francisco and some number exchanges are nothing but Chinese fresh off the boat, or Chinese who’d been here for years but never got off the boat in their minds, or Chinese who probably spoke English like they were hosting Masterpiece Theatre but had a handy excuse not to talk to us. “WEI? BING WA?” “Do you speak English, ma’am? Are you the head of household? “BING WA YA?” But these things were still better than getting an actual English speaking human being who was head of household.
Because they all hate you. Every single person you talk to hates you and thinks you’re a piece of shit and wishes you were dead and even when they’re polite you can feel it. “HELLO???!!!?? HELLO??!!?? “Good evening, this is Cornelius calling on behalf of the Firefighter Charitable Organization, may I speak with the head of household?” “Do you know you called me DURING DINNER?” Then don’t answer the phone, you fucking chump.
I went back in to tell the crazy black chick with the fake blue eyes: come on, just give us a fucking ride two exits up the freeway . You promised you would drive us back, I said.
I knew the whole time she would W elsh but I thought she could be reasoned with. She could not.
Product came from overseas. You’d open a crate and an oxblood color bug the size of a men’s loafer would crawl out dying.
Second shift once startled a cobra sleeping in a case of votive holders shaped like Christ. The candles were sold by women at parties.
Like a lover’s touch. I won’t take my cock out.
Sixty for the hour. She had a hairy pussy and it smelled like oregano. She didn’t take her panties off but they were mesh and her grizzly bear muff hung out the sides.
He’d bought it for a trip to Montana. Saw bighorns in tall weeds in the hills outside Lincoln.
Woodpeckers big as chickens. Two of them together on a collapsed pine.
Voice like fall leaves rasping on asphalt. We’ll I’m not sure I’m losing it – Anything else? My face. Y ou can see there’ s this red on my skin – Mm hmm.
Let’ s look at the hair first. Can you pull it back please. Like this? Yes, good. Dr.
Then when I wake it’s worse. It will spread to my eyeballs and blind me.
Die horrible from eye AIDS but first I’ll never get laid again and every woman will laugh at my small penis. And the cat will die. This is why I can’t have kids.
You could almost feel the slimy brown bullheads squirming in the mud. They had a stinger on their side fins that felt like frozen metal going into you.
The plastic barrels making noises on the wood like bongo drums. They were whispering. The sound carried over the water.
Manic Pixie Dream Cunt. She forgot. She was at a happy hour in Hollywood.
It was implied that I might join her. But the sun had been down for a few hours so my BAC was at felony level.
Shit me out on your palms and lick me off. I need you, I need you to need me.
How about it.Progress Not Perfection Good morning. Tuesday.
Jumanji-like scenario where I read a magic book about a GF , and she appears 48. Get into the furry community- no, again, this shit is all dudes. Every subculture is all dudes.
The laundromat is all dudes. What do women do all day . 49.
He could swear it blinked. When he went for the rifle it was gone. ** They came around a bend and there it was.
A water tank high up in tall grass. Sides aluminum colored instead of black.
Lost her job. Fell in with dirtbags.
Anna has to babysit her. I don’t talk to her about the crash, she says.
Plus, I don’t know what internet you’re on but mine is chockablock with nubile teen ass. But he’s right, he’s right.
Go talk to a woman tomorrow, he says. This is your assignment. Next morning I go to the coffee shop.
Leadership gets elected by promising them jobs. We’re gonna put this great nation back to work.
America is a great nation. But Americans are fucking cretins.
When he was with them he felt like he was in an ad in a design magazine.Why do y ou have to see other men. Do you want me not to? Yes. Don’t go. I can’t.
I have to. Why? Because I like you, but I can’t date you. He would have asked why, but he knew. She’d been his first date since he stoppe d drinking.
And the 5 is on fire, the commuters have begun torching their cars and eating passengers’ flesh. Trees blackened.
No life left in the hills except one sinister looking cactus. Starved crows circling.
That’s why I made Emmatron, she said. Yes people cry like with Marina Abramovic. People come up and look in her eyes and cry and also, a lot of people want to talk about their own rape.
Just to tell somebody . It got to where she had to hand it off to Emmatron.
Tell me a story , she said. It was the same one over and over , but she didn’ t mind. Good Morning I wake up not knowing where I am.
The mirrors making the distances impossible. Ligh t patterns from the blinds could be the jungle or anywhere. Not recognizing the lamps.
Fine. I’ll leverage it into money, which I’ll hoard and fucking hope to God it’s enough to take some god damn time off and write before my mind goes.
Already slipping. Thoughts eyes muscles leaving me.
Gets her all nice and slippery for me. Right on the edge of cumming.
That way when I stick in my meatpipe and blast her full of goo she’s contracting my sperm up into her uterus. The partner supportively holds her hand.
It’s cheap, a hundred bucks. And I’m a trick for doing it.
But who fucking cares. In six weeks I’ll turn forty.
Doesn’t have to be organic shit. I’m not fancy. I want to be an HR Giger flesh abomination rocketing my jizz like alien spores over a canyon of dewy musky unwashed half bald teen pussies forever.
Preferably they are Korean. I want to be some kind of pulsating queen ant, or something like the Guild Navigator from the Lynch Dune.
Sent in an old woman with an old woman face. She tried to give him an actual massage.
Leaned into his calves hard with her fists and he could feel her old woman finger bones. No collagen in her digits.
Now it was gone. Pitch black empty air the size of a state, walls smeared with skin jelly from dying blind cave eels. A hundred degrees and every day the sky the color of oil smoke.
She had on a striped tank top and short black cotton shorts too big in the leg and when she crouched he could see her pubic hair in the shadows. Ooooooonnnhhhh, she said.
I go out with her to hear about other guys she dates. Rich TV writers my age from Bumble.
They’re whiny losers. Their houses and pools can’t take away the terror of getting fired from writing Lifetime shows for Netflix, which is great news. Some kind of weird air pocket under my rib cage.
A treehouse. He had no office anymore. His mysterious foundations didn' t return her calls.
Marcel took the baby while she flew 20 hours. Back roads to the mansion outside Omaha.
It’s boring to say I woke up and took a healthy shit and earned mone y and paid taxes. Emotional reactions are heightened.
Particularly with regard to sex. For instance, I don’t literally want my mouth and nose to be skin grafted onto a 40 year old alcoholic Cambodian woman’ s asshole. My friends told me not to go out with you. Yes, I know , he thought.
Let’s go up to the park and maybe we can hear it, I tell her on her third beer. You still have to say stuff like that.
You can’t just say anyway let’s go fuck. The park is behind my apartment.
Are you alive, he said. Are any of us. Do you think I did this? It’s not my fault– Everybody works, you know. Everybody suffers.
You didn’t have to do what you did.Why did you send me to a fancy school and then make me clean toilets at night. Why did you make me work at McDonald’s.
He had a crush on her but she was dating some guy in a band. A state worker out of South Carolina had called, threatening a fine.
The dishwasher had fathered kids there and he’d forgotten to file the wage garnishment. In his hand, in a clear gallon freezer bag, the now day old vegan almond flour blueberry muffins.
What happens when you starve it. Does it just die and go away.
I have dreamed of this day. Think of what you’d accomplish. I feel I like I could conquer the stock market.
Lazy communist freeloaders. Not like me, I’m the most dedicated free market smoker of grisly millionaire cock in the world, sir.
I’ll clock hours I don’t bill for, sir; I’ll get my hand choppe d off by sheet metal and won’t sue. I’m happy never to see my kids, sir. To drink cheap beer in front of the TV as my dead-eyed wife snores under the Afghan; once she’s good and passed out I’ll sneak on the internet and pump one off to some Creampie Thais, sir. Thank you so much for making these quality electronic goods so affordable. I’m the best worker bee you’ll ever have, sir, not like these lazy Greeks, Spaniards, Portuguese who want to take an hour– an hour! away from work and drink tea and have siestas.
Text back: donate the plane fare to the retarded cunt foundation. I’d say make it in your name but that’d be redundant. She’ll get over it when she gets over it.
Women are like the weather. All you can do is get under a roof.
All your pets are waiting for you, reverse aged so they’re in their prime. They don’t hate each other like Bud hated most other animals.
They frolic in this meadow until you’re dead. You show up.
Or I look like the gray collar bootlicking office worm I am. You have to be in a band out here, or look like it. Should have stayed in my small town.
My kids would be in high school by now. I could leer at their girlfriends from the top of the rumpus room stairs. What the fuck happened.
Let yourself like someone. Let yourself like waking up next to her with your morning wood in her ass crack and the smell of the back of her neck and the mocki ngbirds going.
The cool June gloom in the morning. Her hair’s messed up and she wraps around your arm like a baby . She doesn’t quite wake up but shifts a little.
Despite progress sex roles persist. The dealer came to Van Nuys in his cream colored Oldsmobile.
You had to go out and sit in the car with him with the flashers on in the street. He was from Nicaragua.
Waited for the glow plug light to flash. Pushed the gas just as the starter turned over.
You had to. It took finesse.
They also believed in the death penalty for masturbation. Fuck those Thanksgiving decoration-looking prigs and everything they stood f or. What will I do for work? Forget that.
How about this instead– hey rich man: give me free money. Hey government: use your force monopoly to take the Waltons’ dough and guarantee everyone a living for doing nothing.
God is your insignificance. God is the knowledge that you’re already dead.
The world moves on as if you were never there. One day it’ll be as though the world itself was never there.
She was a good sport about it. I will spend the night of Valentine’s Day in a church basement with weirdos. The AA people told me it was a good idea to not be around liquor.
I left my date and went to the liquor store to buy cigarettes. Imagined AA people spying on me.
It’s nothing. I was at the gym because I must resemble Amityville Horr or era Ryan Reynolds for a high BMI 6 at the end of reproductive usefulness to respond on Tinder . My open er is a better piece of writing than anything about Donald Trump but people who write about Trump get paid for it.
You have to write about Trump or fuckin g Brianna Wu. I had to clean and jerk a big weight over my head because the same three guys are always on the squat rack.
God let me just show up and be of service. God remove outcome dependence.
Let me be patient. But that’s not how it works. You wait patiently for the bus but it doesn’t come until your patience breaks. Only shows up after you flip out that you’re gonna be late, stomp on your phone.
She’d had a party too but he opted not to go when she told him to act like they weren’t dating. Her boss was rich and famous and his house had a movie theater .
All weekend they sat by the pool and when another guy would touch her shoulder it was like a cigarette burning the back of his neck. Someone brought a book by Ernest Hemingway .
Your friends will tell you I’m a pig but it won’t stick until I start liking you and that’s when you leave. And yet here you are, he said. You know girls are scared of you and you love it, she said. It’s true, he said.
And it was. Or it had been for a while.
He pushed it in slow, pretended it was not to hurt her. It was just that he didn’t want to cum too fast.
When it got to be too much he tried to make himself come inside. So when he died he could think he might have a kid somewhere. He couldn’t. His hair was going white and he had hips like an old German shepherd but the young girls still made his cum hit the headboard.
I have Zika. I have cancer; it’s that new freckle on my cheek or the red bumps from the sun on my nose which I’ll have to get cut off.
Leave a skull hole in my face; I’ll have to use a cunningly crafted prosthetic. Fine.
It’s powerful in fact–AHH! The knife like a snakebite. You may find your experience changing. Can I stop chasing women? Desire never goes, said Norwood. Only what we desire goes.
Open your mouth please. Why? I’m assessing the situation, be patient. I’ll check the nose as well– Norwood’ s thum b began furiously bruising his gums– as men age our noses and ears never stop growing.
Her golden skin. It’s too fucking cold and I need women to be wearing revealing outfits.
Even kind of a thick pear shape ass. Her little teenage snatch with the sparse hairs. She’s not leaving.
Puny dry brain rattling in its high school gym size skull, smacking against the sides. Distorting my memories. My prefrontal cortex intact of course.
That which enables me to plan, function and work. God forbid I should become an impulsive animal who just steals and rapes.
It was my day to stop dr inking. For the first hour I took it. Stuck with the plan.
But I’d been driving all day. It got dark on the road.
Later he read they were endangered. Her face got close as she plied his collarbones and her breath was cool on his neck.
So do you know things about everyone sir, she said. Yes, we look at everybody. Even the powerful men? The government and the movie stars? I guess so. But it doesn’t matter, we collect– we have everything on everybody but we have to give it to another place before we look at it.
Or maybe she likes it in the mouth, who knows. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself and fucking me isn’t such a disaster .
Sex with me is not always rape. Maybe she just got horny .
They cooked her over driftwood.
They owned homes and bought new custom sofas. The women looked good for their age and talked about men like dialogue from romantic comedies.
The word “dealbreaker” was used. The men were Vice Presidents of Licensing Sufjan Stevens Music for Volkswagen.
He had to take care not to spill cof fee grounds from the cans on his crisp white shirt. 65 per cent polyester .
It needed no ironing. He’d purchased five.
When the sun is covered in darkness, when the stars fall, scattering; when the mountains are annihilated and what you possessed is in flames, when the beasts draw together in their hordes– your soul will know then. What you made with your life.
They know. That is terror.
She can detect my thoughts. Sweaty thick Mexican running in a pink singlet with her ipod strapped to her arm. Her head shakes as she runs.
Thick meaty ass. Weird little cone titties.
In the fine print. A hillbilly tried to beat me up for fucking his hooker girlfriend.
I saw a funny headline about a young grandmother arrested sucking cock for meth . The mug shot looked like the shaman in a diorama of early man.
Where I live everyone has to work. Mmm… I am working until I find a husband. California husband? Maybe if I am very lucky. Please turn over, sir. He was hard but she didn’t seem to panic.
Her fingers moved over his chest and the lizards squeaked on the ceiling. They are called “toko,” she said.
Doesn’t it feel good to show up to work, to be of service. To make financial amends with your credit card company.
With the hospital that charged 28 grand to lance a boil. To track down your creditors, call them, to sit on hold with the DMV, with traffic court.
Bumping into you around the party and saying a couple witty things and then taking off, leaving you wanting more. I lost it when I went back to make a lame joke about an old topic.
You can never fuck up with women, not once. Meanwhile a gay guy invited me back to his room; I’m about 80 per cent certain I’ve seen him in black and white on a billboard with his shirt off.
Leave her alone with the dog. But she said without them she wasn’ t herself. It was hard, but she was mine.
In September I asked her abou t taking the IUD out. It always made me feel like a weasel had bitten me.
Hills high enough and far enough outside town that things were sheltered. You could still read the signs. One of them said FIRE ROAD.
I told you, he thought. A pipe ran down from it and it had leaked and tall black mustard weeds sprouted yellow flowers. I can’t believe it, she said. It’s the best thing I’ve ever seen. They parked the car and he took the Evian bottles to fill.
Doesn’ t have to be better than anyone else. **Too tempting to look at stupid shit on the internet. You’ve already blown it. Go ahead and look.
Twitter . That one horse porn video.
She’s gonna tell a friend who tells her therapist who tells the cops. Suddenly you’re in the chester tank.
Sex offender for life. A child rapist.
We gotta go.Belinda Are you surprised I’m here, said Belinda. Mexican girls don’t date white boys. Au contraire, he said, I’ve had every one in town but you. Not the real ones, she said.
I bet their parents spoke English. She’d fucked her tattoo artist for three years. He was 44, married, someone snitched to the wife who then called Belinda’s mother.