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Might. Agrees you probably don’t.

In any case she doesn’t care. But you can’t fuck her.

Loved his kids, show ed pictures. They’re doing well in school. They’ll go to good colleges.

He takes them diving. Trips at ten to places I still haven’ t seen.

She'll read what I said about her dry elderly twat and I'll lose. I did the right thing. Didn't I? Not walking of f my job.

Which means I get to have a shitty day every day for a very long time. Did the right thing not killing my neighbors' dog.

Everything up high was gone but in the dips between the hills buildings still stood. Air mostly still and cold but once in a while a shrieking hot wind would spin the dead leaves, send them clattering against the concrete.

It carried burned magazines. Excel printouts, emails marked HIGH IMPORTANCE.

But with porn we’re all connoisseurs now. It did not look half bad.

If it were on a chick I’d fuck it. The outside is fine, so whatever hurts is in my ass. Cancer.

The new stuff was perfect. Used to be you’d get an image peeking through once in a while, an emotion of some kind.

The phone would ring and you’d get a little stab of fear. You’d still have no idea what it was about, but you’d flinch.

She had dry Riesling. So I have to ask you something, she said. He knew what was coming but pretended not to.

Go ahead. Are you really as much of an asshole as you say on your blog? It’s factually true. Things I say happened, happened.

It’s a living. Inside the thing’ s orifice was a single use packet of lube, but he opted for Curel Intensive Care instead.

Save the special stuf f for a rainy day . I’ll spare you the details. It was the first one he’d ever used and he came almost instantly , grudgingly pulling the device off of him and spraying into the sink to avoid a long cleaning process.

He runs and turns around and runs across as much of the place isn’t taken up by the couch crib andTV. I only ask them to quiet down at night.

When I’m trying to sleep so I can wake up at six, write something that someone will comment is a failure* and that I deserve my obscurity . Otherwise I can’t bring myself to crush his joy at just being alive to run from one place to another.

Dong penetrated me deeply . Who knows. She’s enthusiastic about the date.

So she’ll be worse than her pics. But I will accept Dong.

Text and wait. Same pain in the ass as when you didn’ t have to pay. Just now you do.

I could pay for this tatted up bald Chinese vegan to come over but she’s too demanding. Second email was her Amazon wishlist.

He didn’t want his nose red but didn’t want to be shiny either. Appraised his gut in the mirror.

Sitting down like it would be in the boat. She sat in front, golden like a part of the sunshine. He waded out up to his knees pushing the boat out.

Bring it down on their ruined skull again and again; the torso still convulsing, dumb wasted electrical impulses. The crowd knows they need to pull me off but no one wants to be the first to get close.

I have a good job. Still– I wake up at six. Eat shit shower shave commute work commute gym, so I can sit up straight, not warp my back at work in that Herman Miller chair .

My date will flake or she won’ t and if she does it’s a blessing. I know from her texts she’s not my future wife.

Who cares. I’ll be a secretary for another fifteen years.

She came to the gate with the high beams from the rental car cutting into cold pouring rain just as night fell. Big black button on the old intercom.

Hello, she said. Hello—do you remember me.

An investment in adulthood. The man’ s window faced his across the driveway . At night he’d hear him moaning.

He sounded old, and like he hurt. On the way back up to get his briefcase he took one more look.

How the fuck does it work. We do have Weimar inflation. “Inflation” only counts off brand TVs made by Bengali slaves.

Not food housing healthcare and education, not taxes upon taxes. It all goes up and up and up until you absolutely must inherit Saudi money to afford a shack.

This is in me. I can feel it.

She tells stories about his drinking. They horrify her but I relate to every aspect.

You’d crack. Then live in terror.

She’s gonna talk. She’s gonna write about her crush in her Lisa Frank diary that her parents dig up.

He was shaking but couldn’t feel it so much anymore. When he was a boy he saw a mother cat get run over, her body scissoringfrantically in the street as the kittens looked on from the sidewalk.

He must be scissoring like that. The floor was warm. There was a lot of blood.

With effort I get to where a couple holding hands on the street doesn’t make me want to hang myself. Try to give to the world rather than take.

Be a source of peace to others. Don’t chase pussy , because pussy just makes you need more pussy .

I need to work in a coffee shop. The cocoa’s OK. On the way I out I walk behind the counter.

Throw my gum in the private employee garbage. She looks at me askance.

I mean, my face, but you always said I was hot– Asian women can’t tell when white men are ugly. And vice versa.

One of the few blessings God gave us, in dating. Otherwise, whether we’re loved is dictated by the shape of our skull. You were with me for my body.

My load was one thick shot almost to the back of her neck. Then one halfway up her back.

Then like an eight minute wait for the rest of it. My dick shaking like it waschoking on a chicken bone while crickets literally chirped out the window .

But we’re separated, she says. Ah well, you were smart after all. Why did you have a ribbed for her pleasure condom in the first place.

Not something you would have bought. Not because you don’t care about her pleasure but because it would have embarrassed you to buy something for her pleasure.

And she laughed. He’d told them he liked her a lot. That he could see himself with her.

That she was pretty and easy to talk to and had her shit together but not in a drink the Kool Aid careerist way that made you sick to hear about. How rare she was.

Not gonna be securing oil wells here. California has broke Asians.

Did some organ rupture. I stand and take a big breath and it makes a weird crocodile sound like I have bad gas.

Just share how you feel. Well then how about “Shit Piss Cunt Fuck,” I say, and she says perfect. Why did you have to die, you bonehead.

How did you go. Were you on pills like they said or did you slip on a banana peel.

He was inside her and she was moving, afraid it would end fast-- oooohhhh, she said. His hands were on her back pulling her down onto him and then they were gone.

His mout h was gone. Her skin was rough and hard and alive and the clouds had voices he could hear murmuring. Cool rain roaring and hissing in the branches above him and around him.

They’ll tell you if you need to get it cut out. Lancing pr ovides instant relief. What a fucking tease.

I should have known, I should have known– a doctor tells you to go to a different doctor who can refer you to a real doctor. I went to my new Primary Care.

Like most women. If it weren’t for the genetic accident of your face looking like a small child I would have muttered go fuck yourself as I clicked OKC’s convenient trash can icon.

But no one does that to you. They do it to the fat girls but never to you. They do it to the fat girls but the fat girls still write one bit of banal self- aggrandizement after another.

She wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it. Before the fucking and then after when you passed out and scared them and she kicked us out and was calling the cops. Somehow her legal knowledge would make them come faster, punish me harder, she was telling me.

As I climbed her fence I thought: you got that and I got racism and let’s see who wins. The night turned to shit when you started gurgling and flopping around like you do. You drink and drink and it always hits you all at once.

Prayed for the willingness to make amends. The prayers will be answered.

W hat will be left.Ideal Behavior As a personal growth exercise, please answer the following question: How would you describe your ideal behavior with regard to dating and s ex? I want to be a human hose. Permanently coupled to a never ending mountain of ovulating 13 year old Asian schoolgirls.

I like you too. But if you want to know me like this, sir, you will first come to meet my father. Wait, really? Yes, he is near here.

He is a fisherman. Is he going to kill me for touching you? Oh no, she said. I think you will like him sir.

When will I quit my job for some horseshit where I meet girls. My books make me 20 grand. Could I get a minimum wage job where I can fuck instead of waking up at six.

Wha t if I’m just too ugly. What about Southeast Asia, people say.

He had her ipad on his lap to watch Conan the Barbarian. Golden Age Schwarzenegger had fled across frozen wastes.

He came upon a hut. A woman with 1982 plastic surgery stood in the door .

Like I’d go home and Bud would be there. And I’d brush him, and then open up a can of Tasty Treats with Gravy and plop half of it into his bowl and he’d– he loved it, he just loved it.

If you give him the whole can he’ll puke on the carpet later . I couldn ’t buy the Tasty Treats in Gravy . I got Fancy Feast.

Holding back every billion year old white hot urge so you can feel comfortable walking around. I’m not asking you to like it.

But take some pity on us, you merciless shrews. I asked my sponsor: how do you get women when you’re sober. I’m a nebbish now.

You can’t force it. All you can do is try not to fuck it up.

Stay out of its way. Don’t slack off and erase your mind reading about rape on Twitter. What are you gonna do.

I can’t talk about this stuff with you. Too late.

He’d sent 20 pictures of his penis with well thought out composition. She’s proud of how she’s fucking with him. You want my nudes, here you go.

It was the first one he’d ever used and he came almost instantly, grudgingly pulling the device off of him and spraying into the sink to avoid a long cleaning process. Just like a real woman it makes you nut too fast, he thought.

Just like a real woman it makes you pull out. He’d bought the cheapest one that got good reviews. Miserly.

The world was a trap. Whatever you try just makes it worse.

We’re doomed. All of us alone.

That left one half empty flat of Diet next to 3 full flats of Regular. 95% of all soda consumed in this office, in every office, was Diet Coke.

Corporate ordered the same amount of everything. Maybe the merger would change that too. Back at his desk.

God said: granted. Giggling at my own shit like a little girl being tickled.

Colleen sees it. Can’t help laughing too.

She was right. You’re attached to it, she said. That’s not it– You have feelings for your car. OK I do. I bought this car for 800 dollars.

Had her for ten years. I went to the mountains, the desert in this car.

Almost wanting to cum as soon as I put it in. Her on top moving fast with my legs pressed close together .

Slow doggystyle. I wanted to really feel it.

I paid extra for that fucking thing. How are you gonna make payments on your BMW that you dreamed about until you got one and noticed that everyone else has the exact same fucking car.

Should have got a Prius, chicks would think I give a fuck about the Earth. Are you PASSIONATE about financ e? I can’t even conceive of the malformed subhuman who honestly says “yes.” If you are passionate aboutfinance, about sales, about commercial real estate, about branding, co- branding, maximizing awareness in the branded space, about targeted apps, social media outreach, office solutions, personal finance solutions, human resources solutions, network marketing solutions, synergistic growth oppor tunities… you need to find a healthier passion, like molesting kids. Anyway. Here’s hoping this place calls me back.Product Review: Tenga® Easy Beat Egg™ Artificial Vagina, “Silky” The fucksleeve came in the mail on a Tuesday.

You have to drink it because that’s all there is. A town where six foot four single moms from Denny’s fight videos with that weird downy back hair; women with hormone levels like Lyle Alzado beat me.

Break my brittle old bones. Rip off my colostomy bag.

After the AA meeting she started showing me her Bumble messages. She was fucking with some guy who asked for nudes.

Her long black hair. She’s fat.

She had black hair. He had a long haired black cat.

At night he would wake up and see black on his pillow and think: thank God, she isn’t gone. He reached out to touch her.

I’ll stay out of your hair. I took the bus to my date and it’sraining and I don’t want to be alone. It was out of nowhere but he didn’t know how to say no.

The movie was Andrei Rublev by Tarkovsky, an epic about medieval Russia. There were sweeping battles and ancient vistas and they threw a horse down a flight of stairs.

It would have been weird. Scary.

I’d be hiring aging hookers now. Telling them to act like an art teacher.

You know what fucking is like. The dick goes in the hole.

Maybe I’ll put your wrists behind your head but I’m not gonna choke you or any of that shit on the first date. My cat will probably come in the sliding door I’ve left open, walk in the room, and meow.

Their sons will build under ground porno vaults with 8mm clips of children fucked by raccoons and tortured to death. I’ll say this: she’ s spiritual. Where was I– I was at the therap ist to work on relationship issues.

With my gold PPO insurance I have this luxury . There were Frank Lloyd Wright chairs in the waiting room.

Never. My mom inculcated the value of work by having me get a job at McDonald’s.

It taught me I’m a piece of shit. Worthless meat occupying space to– I want to say “flip burgers” but I stop myself.

He was in the waiting room reading the hospital’s copy of Reptile magazine, for domestic reptile enthusiasts. The featured review was of the Tomato Frog.

They may look drab when young, but don’t be fooled: they explode into a vivid red-orange in adulthood. Especially the somewhat larger female.

Because I’m a pitiful insect. Not rich not famous.

I have saddlebags now. Double digit body fat; not fully visible obliques– I’m a hog, in other words.

I climbed up it and ripped it in half. Ten years now I’ve driven by that tree, on Berendo south of Franklin.

It never grew back. It’s next to another specimen of the same tree that I did not rip in half, which has flourished and flower s beautifully every year. Every time I drive by I think “sorry , tree.” Things don’ t grow back.

Tree fungus all over my innards. I’ll die in agony.

This weekend, my last shot before my dick falls off. Spent it helping the fucking hobos .

I’ll never hold my first child.Those things just ended. Yes, I hate my work. And I’m afraid of losing it .

They get angry if you’re not thankful for it. That’s a bad attitude.

Hers looks like mine. Stock ticker of fraternity rapes and racial incidents and women in tech outrages.

The Kardashians for college types. Though I’m next to the register the clerk still doesn’t look at me.

Go to Sex Addicts Anonyous- no, it’ s all guys 36. SSRI Bumble women- never .

I’d sooner date a man. 37. Stop trying.

I didn’t get fired for being crazy like you, you useless piece of shit. One of us hung up. Now Anna won’ t talk to me.

I’m afraid the sister will kill herself. But suddenly I can laugh again. Destroy the Earth If my sister reads your post she’ll try to get you fired, she says.

Eventually I just jumped the wall. Now I am in fucking Tarzana late at night, stumbling drunk, no idea if they even have buses this far out and not enough cab money to get to my house. But I was more scared for you, because you were doing that thing you do when you get drunk and you just shut down. You become this floppy corpsewho only stirs for a few seconds at a time to slur a couple words and grind your pussy against whoever’s trying to hold you up, the way a dog in heat drags her crotch on the carpet.

And you were out there somewhere wandering around this weird deep valley neighborhood and maybe you would pass out in a bush and choke on your own puke and die. Walking down the street I thought I saw you and I was thrilled and relieved.

She had moves. He’d been disturbed by his erection.

Quickly x’d out the browser tab. He lingered a beat too long until the Regional Brand Outreach Managerimpatiently cleared her throat. It went well.

It died alone too. All ridiculous.

But it was about how he was afraid. She was afraid too, she said.

If I get that much new pussy it’ll last me until the stress passes, I reason. She has dreadlocks.

She probably goes to Burning Man. Maybe she’ll let me hit it raw. It’s OKCupid without the words.

Huge meadows, maybe lightly forested, that bloom in the spring with tiny delicate wildflowers. Songbirds massing on trees to pick berries in the fall; stopping through on their way to Panama.

Elk. Deer.

He was the top retainer of customers in the division and supervised a handful of his fellows. Emily didn’t have to work anymore.

The cars got better and the houses got bigger. Every day he came home bright and fresh as a daisy, smiling.

Then hack away at the charge card. Call your creditor, Suze Orman told him.

Ask to negotiate up to 50% off by offering one lump sum. They said fuck off. Once the debt’s zeroed out I’ll still have the 20 grand.

It has BPAs on it, I think every time. Have to duck behind the security guard to get it in the trash.

I get out in the parking lot. Get in my car and cry and cry . What Should I Do About This Girl Let someone like you.

I got a job selling ads for a newspaper. The same shit, really, but I was dialing the phone with my fingers rather than a machine and could tell girls I worked for something they’d heard of. But I remember the lessons that job taught me.

Because there are only two jobs in the world: “making shit,” and “selling shit.” Every white collar job I’ve had since is “selling shit.” Picking up the phone and asking people for money. Whether they give it to you depends on what’s in your voice.

Iended up slinging pills with the Juggalos for a while in Hollywood. The FBI scattered that scene and I was living with a couple trannies who had me jerkin off on cams for rent.

People got sick of my videos when I hit puberty so they kicked me out. I was trying to make Arizona but I got caught up in the meth scene down here.

I no have a sick. Bad idea but I was malibog. Angeles.

Hookers don’t make you use condoms. They don’t use birth control. They don’t get abortions.

Echoing in the quiet without electrical hum. He held his breath and put his eye to the door crack. He saw a giant naked man in a hockey mask.

Back hair coated with sweat, rank even over thesmell of the meat. In front of him on a waist high display of pumpkin pie filling cans a young girl bent over, naked and sobbing.

I just want to drink and sleep. You try to go outside but it’s cold and all the girls walking around have big sweaters on.

No more yoga pants. Why go outside if you won’t see a fully defined pubic mound, the mathematically perfect curve of an ass crack jiggling. What’s the point. Drink and sleep.

By the time she asked what is that he’d been thinking for seconds about how to pronounce Richard Wagner . It’s German opera, he said. Well that’s surprising about you. I think it would be surprising about anybody, sitting in a parking garage listening to this. I wouldn’t have thought you were so cultured. I’m just waiting for the guy to pull up with my Grey Poupon, he said. It was a mistake.

Kraft-Heinz Grey Poupon was a client. The line of mustards had its own branding team.

She does not give a fuck, she is using you– Don’t talk about her– you don’t know anything about her. I know everything I need to know and I know this is another fucking bullshit way she figured out to use you, so don’t start quoting her to me about– about the FUCKING SOAP. Jesus. At least she listens to me. FOR CHRIST’S FUCKING SAKE, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? She is a WHORE– Don’t say that. You know what? You’re a fucking whore too.

You act like I’m some fucking bum who’s lucky to have you. I’ve been out of work THREE WEEKS, it’s not the god damn Great Depression.

How about it. I’m a man who knows what he wants. She said no and we parted amicably.Fuck Los Angeles A four bedroom house in Hot Springs Montana is 99 thousand fucking dollars.

Estimated mortgage: $382 a month. You get a separate detached cottage.

It’s not like you have a lot to do around here, and the one fucking thing I want, the one thing I ask you for– That’s not fair. You have no job, you bring in no money, and you can’t even make sure we have basic things like soap in the fucking house. You can’t even– Stop. It’s not like you’re some emotional rock, either.

My work is fucking hard and you can’t even listen to me– Will you just stop pl ease. My sister says your lack of engagement is a form of emotional abuse. I’m starting to think– Let me tell you something.

Get her mind off problems. Love her like a friend.

Like someone you can help. If you love her like a girlfriend she’ll kill you.

And– well shit, it happened once but, a) because of my web site and b) she fucking took off. Women. If you don’t do absolutely all the work, if you don’t make yourself absolutely exceptional, if you’re not handsome, not tall, not rich– if you don’t have absolutely everything, work for decades to get it, grind yourself down to nothing every instant of every day to maintain it, and (in spite of all this) if you don’t appear to just have it effortlessly– you’ll have no women.

Once I’d have said “no woman” but I know better now. “Women,” a substance. No women would be fine.

Below off Walking Street pimps squatted on scooters by massage girls doing each other’s eye shadow. They were 15, looked 12.

Too young to have a license to fuck clipped on their tube tops, a photo of the fat regional health minister in a polo shirt smiling. Instead they grabbed your sleeves on the street saying massage massage. Stuck out a card with a cell phone number you called to get them in your room for 500 pesos.

That’s an exaggeration, but just barely. So what will all these people do? What will they be for? I don’t know– fucking.

Singing. Swimming in the creek.

So hard it hurt. She pushed her tank top up and slid her naked belly on him.

She was pulling down her shorts and he could smell her. She was pushing him down on the roots and climbing over him.

What if a unicorn came out of my ass, we could hitch a ride on it, it would suck me off after. I’ll see you in your coffin clothes and think what you might say about the outfit. I can’t let you go into the ground.

Darkness and silence. I don’t want you to be scared. There was a loose pit bull on the street this morning.

Steer there, she said. Inside a pool shaded by leaves.

Children playing tag in the water. Girls on boys’ shoulders splashing.

Marcy brought the bag. Listen to me he said.

LISTEN– he grabbed the man’s chin. Waited for his eyes.

You shouldn’t even be driving this car. They’d sold it to him a year ago. We offer factory spec tires: 900 parts, 400 labor.

Financing was available. He went to another web site and typed what he had and what he made and a 6% return and waited to hear how long until he could stop. The phone was ringing.

I went back out to the parking lot to find you and go. Figured we would split a cab, which would have taken up all the money I had left, but, we had to get out of there. I went back to the parking lot to find you and you were gone.

You had been lying on your face in an empty parking space against a cinder block wall one minute and then you just disappeared. The crazy black chick with the vampire-y blue contact lenses followed me out, yelling, motherfucker this, motherfucker that, nigga you better get the FUCK out of here RIGHT NOW and I was like, look, let me wait till Astrid comes back.

It would hurt him forever, the way she left him, but he wouldn’t trade it for the world. In conclusion: five stars.Coffee Shop Diary: The Smell of My Wang I can’t stop fucking looking at this woman and I can’t stop being aware of what a fucking dork I must look like, resting my face awkwardly in my fingers. It is extremely uncomfortable but I can’t stop doing it.

Because she’ll know I stoppe d doing it because I was afraid she would think I’m a dork. I can’t make eye contact but I can’t look away so instead I give her this squinty side-eye.

The duck pond was suppos ed to be a pleasant G rated affair but now that it happened once, the duck pond is a fuck spot. It doesn’t matter.

It could be a church. If I’m with you we are going to fuck.

Listen, he said. let’s wait for this bump to wear off.

We can talk. She looked up at him and made sexy eyes. It was his birthday.

You stand on a plywood box; she stands across from you on another plywood box; there’s a painted line between you and you talk but you’re not allowed to touch her. Close by there’s a mannequin of her called Emmatron hooked up to an iPad with canned questions.

If you ask about the rape she directs you to the mannequin. The iPad says why didn’t you go to the cops right away.

I show her. Sexy Alejandra has a 1/3d page color ad. She’s maybe 65.

Body like a white tall kitchen trash bag after you’ve been stomping chicken bones down in it for three weeks. Her lips are full of sheep fat.

You need everything to have a girl who’ s anything at all. Which is to say Asian. Catherine from the Gym Out in the park on a stump.

Looking at snow capped Moun t Baldy . A hummingbird hovers by a tall tree top.

He reached back, pulled an Activia from the tote bag in the back seat. Strawberry banana. Realized he’d forgotten utensils.

Peeled back the top and raised the 8 oz. cup to drink it.

Occasion ally a decent writer but that just means girls who don’t live near me want to fuck an imaginary version of me. Who do I have– a married woman in SF, college professor back East.

A Chinese girl who lives in Switzerland now because she’s rich. Various red state types. Actually there’ s a lot of girls who would fuck me from my stupid web site. So this paragraph that was meant to be a complaint actually makes things look pretty good.

Changed from “seeing someone” to “single.” His face would appear in a column of updates for age-appropriate women when they signed in. So and so answered a match question.

He said yes, consent is sexy. So and so added a photo.

Take care of yourself– no. Fuck this, fuck all of this, fuck the Earth.

We need more terrorism, more war. More Nazis, more racism, more mass rapes, more child slavery . More school shootings more North Korean nukes.