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It made him
listen to other birds’ songs around him. He’d memorize them. | Then perch
up as high as he could go. Yell them as loudly as he could. |
State sponsored festival for childhood diabetes. You get
pamphlets and a free tote bag that says Law Offices of Larry H. | Parker .
Lines for this extending back into the canyons. A bouncy castle, the
delighted screams of children. |
It’s better than it was. Used to believe that either a) God
did not exist; anyone who believed was an idiot, or b) God existed and
created the world solely to torture me. | Now the prayers mean nothing,
except one of the character defects will catch. I’ll think of it later in the day
and not fuck up. |
It helps to write it up
for four years, then cut it down and down to where you have every canned
metaphor memorized. Great for AA shares too. | People come up after
meetings and ask are you a writer . I say no. |
Never sit near me. Only glance at me sideways, like some one told her
I’d written about wanting to come back as a tapeworm and live in her
asshole. | I’m sorry but it’ s true.
So I took her to the steepest clif f in Malibu and carried her all the way down
it. My whole core rigid. |
It’s not really, it’s uh… not fancy.
Can I have some?
He blanched for a second. He had never cooked for her, obviously. | Only
fucked her and rinsed her off and put her back in a drawer. He would never
have even considered cooking this chicken for a guest, certainly not a date.
But, so what if she thought it was stupid. |
Nothing left to prove with pussy. I
look like the fucking chamberlain from the Dark Crystal. | Never had money.
I’ve had the shittiest, most debased jobs; spinach pickers are cooler than me.
Went to the shittiest schools for pussy. Lived in the shittiest towns for pussy.
Walk around feeling my gangliness, ugliness, stupidity, weird voice weird
face small penis like a cigarette burning the back of my neck since I turned
six fucking years old and I’ve still got more pussy than anybody . |
I think he’s on disability or something. He never
leaves. | We thought he was sick, like he had cancer . But I think he’sjust crazy and sits at the computer jackin off all day. |
Laugh your ass off
flooring it changing lanes. BMW Z4s compelled to thread the needle andpass me to show how much money they have. | You see why Kim’ s grandson
throws an aftermarket turbo on it to smoke them. Fun but not a comfortable
touring sedan such as the CPO 2014 Subaru Legacy 2.5i Premium in pearl
white, tan cloth interior . |
And my toilet is full of silverfish.
She turned the ignition and plugged the phone into the radio. Iggy
Azalea’ s Fancy played. | Oh God, she said– this is a guilty pleasure. I
know you like, uh… what’ s that thing you always play .
Prelude to the Afternoon of a Faun by Debussy .
Right.
Don’t feel bad. |
And just because I made her horny doesn’ t mean I’m a
rapist. I’m preoccupied with rape from reading the internet too much. | 75%
of online writing is about rape. I think if a girl once said no in 1989 and I
fucked her last week it’s rape. |
It’ll be hard with no money but I can live as long as I know
you love me. She was in the bathroom; the door was half open. | Her hand
was in the crook of her arm, turning on her medication.Tell Me Your Fantasy, She Says
I mean: I want to fuck you. That’s it. |
I met the love
of my life, she says. Maybe to torture me. | Which I deserve. I say that’s
great. |
His fleas have had ten generations to develop into fiends that
crave human flesh. Crawl under the blankets half dead at night and there’ s
tickling in my leg hairs. | Look under the sheets with my iPhone flashlight.
Dozens of them feasting on the fat blue veins snaking around my ankle
bones.
I looked them up. They’re hard to kill. |
Like you– but I don’t want him
to be
dead
.
She paused. What about you.
I had a mother. | My dad was dead– it’s embarrassing–
Tell me.
I was alone already. I was sad before this. |
This
book is fictional. I don’ t exist.
The Gift
On her 12th birthday her mother gave her a red envelope from the mail. | The
family was poor. The father a drunk. |
One
diabetic black lady sleeping, snoring with sounds like a Tasmanian devil
ripping apart bush meat. Aaaaa ahhhh, the girl whispered. | He could smell
her a little. It made him feel hot and cold.
Aaaaaahhhhh....
He didn't want to close the laptop. |
We forget we have a girl here. We tried to get a bunch to come but
you’re the only one who said yes–
You wanted to have a party?
We were gonna play spin the bottle. | She felt her ears get hot again. Have you ever fucked before,
said Ricky.
What?
Have you ever fucked before? It’s OK if you haven’t.
I haven’t.
Well what about now?
She felt like she’d stood up too fast. |
Boat to the
Seychelles. Machine gun some ooga booga types. | Take a teenag e
wife and eat bush pig while banging her and her cousins. If I
don’t pray this morning there’ s a non-negligible chance that I
will- not kill people. |
But to get from one to the other there’s
the crucial burden of getting to know you. I have no energy for this. | You don’t
either. We’ll meet. |
Pulled the door open. Held it with his foot while he picked up the tupperware. | The
briefcase.
The meeting was nine o’clock. Later he would heat his chili. |
Life slipping away . When it came to women he said: sign up for
a community college class.
How can I inflict more time sucking pains on the ass on myself to have a
basic need fulfilled. | I’m brilliant. I deserve passive pussy . |
Forgave myself. Loved you for who you are instead of
what you are to me. | And let you go.
I looked back on the material. Thought: this is a good stopping point for the
schtick I’ve been dragging out for years. |
When she took the receipt she said thank s with a hint of fuck you on
her breath. He could never figure out his transgression.
On the walk to the car he held out his arm. | She put her hand in the crook of
his elbow. How gentlemanly, she said.
Notice that my bicep is like a cobblestone.
He pulled her in for a kiss on the corner. |
Lot of personality.
I’m about to turn 41 years old and I pay old prostitutes in Koreatown so someone will touch me,
he thought. It got so bad I joined a global terror cell. | I just want to die but suddenly I want to bury my
face in your jet black cunt hairs and burrow into your hot musk like a weevil. I think that’s amazing,
she said. |
All but maybe five of them have been.
Nothing against you though. My definition of boring is most people’s
definition of a happy, successful life. | I do not have a happy, successful life. I
want you to be a sad broke drunk like me but secretly think you’re some
genius with a biting wit so having no money is OK. |
She was maybe eighteen, seeing to the calves, and he cleared his
throat and she said how big are you. When he told her she said: I do
gymnastics and the little guys are stronger . | Her hair was like corn silk. Her
skin made his arm hairs stand up. |
Spiritual
progress.
God/ Pony Fucking/ Jungle Slave Wife/
Gay Teen Meth Whore
I’m not maintaining conscious contact with my higher power these days. I
get it for a minute. | In the morning when I go look at trees and grass. Hear
the birds. |
It’s branding within branding. I don’t know that we even have the
tech to measure it– she really is a genius.
**
The stone door was hanging open. | It had belonged to an Algerian madrassah. He was holding the
revolver. |
What does that make me.
What can I offer a woman. I don’t know anything except how to write
honestly . | But I’m the only person who knows this. It isn’t hard. |
Ah, yes, he says. Sounds like an anorectal abscess. | Lethalif left untreated, but lancing provides instant relief. We’ll just take you back
and handle it. |
He bit the ends off and
handed the sticks back to her. Spitting out the plastic he could taste the grain the cattle ate. | Salt warm
around his tongue like the ocean. Oh my God it’s good, she said.
I know right?
She laughed. |
Dr. Norwood was holding
his cheek. | The skin of his palm only as warm as the air. I’ll just take a little
bit.
The knife swished by his temple and it felt like a bird was pulling him with
sharp claws. |
Coming to
realize I’m violently undesirable. Anyway let’ s fuck.
E l e c t i o n
At least people I hate are misera ble. | At least Amanda Marcotte cried. As for
the bad news: this will solve nothing. |
In the morning she was gone.
**********
A week later she called him. He didn’t recognize the number but picked up
anyway. | Hi, she said. I don’t want to be weird but I’m going to the desert this
weekend and wanted to see if you’d come with me. |
They blasted me with antibiotics and now my
eyes are blurry and the light hurts. They gave me an estimated bill. | Twenty
eight thousand and twelve dollars. I do have insurance. |
White. Flabby. | I have a cold,
my nose is all red…. well, now I get it. |
They’ll give me your ashes in a clay pot. It will
have a nice paw print, the vet said. | An expert at watching people cry. But I
don’t think she’d seen anything like it.
God, I wish it was me. |
She won’ t like me. She’ll ask what do you do.
I’m a fucking secretary . | Like Maggie Gyllenhaal in the movie. I’m a
pathetic piece of shit is what I do, and my nose is broken. |
It was the Tenga® Easy Beat Egg™
Artificial Vagina, “Silky.”
She was crying. I’m sorry, she said. | I just had a really bad date, I was in the
neighborhood. I had to get away from him. |
Until one day he remembered
the beach. The girl.
$3286 now. | Five grand must be next, he thought. He squinted at the fire
shapes in the price graph. |
Two kittens found in a sealed paint bucket. The
sister adopted already. | This guy was aging out of “cute kitten,” maybe headed
for the firing squad.
I put my finger on the glass and said: hey, bud. He put his paw on my finger.
On the way out the clerk with the paperwork said do you know his name, and
I said: Bud.
I got a call at work. |
Wrapped his ankles
around her and pulled her in while she was laughing and sucked on her bottom lip a little. And she
stuck out her tongue like she and Tanya practiced on their fists. | He’d eaten a grape Otter Pop and his
mouth tasted like it. And when they pulled apart his tongue still had a little bit of that color. |
One of these days the scout will
draw me into the pack. They’ll catch me and I’ll have to hand it to them.
What a way to go.The PA is coming from the stadium. | Some kind of youth baseba ll. Good for
them. |
Wake up, a noise occurs,
I think it’s Satan. I also think the deadbolt will keep me from being
assaulted by Satan. | I get up and lock it and go back to bed.
I take no psychoactive drugs. No Ambien. |
The woman mouthed
something in Spanish or Portuguese and the man groaned again.
Accelerated. His face was hidden, but there was the cat picture. | And
now next to it, a picture of a girl.
Well I’ll be damned, he thought. Heather .
Heather lived there before the old man moved in. |
I felt nothing. Even if I dated them for
years. | They have to find me. So what do I do. |
These guys are jocks, they’re not afraid of balls touching.
Oh God.
He told me she had a shitty ass but he was so wasted at this point. The rest of
the guys are standing around jerking off and he gets them in and they get it so
she has no weight on her arms and they get another guy’s dick in each hand.
There has to be some word for it, the pentagram or something. | She has five
dicks going at once. Face pussy ass hand hand. |
Even then she makes you
wear a condom . Says she’s never fucked without one. | After the bar we
made out in the back of the Subaru. I got her pants off. |
I’m
gonna miss her more than I’ll miss you.
It was true.
**********
By the end it hurt him to think about her. She took him to her boss’
vacation house in Palm Springs. | Her friends came out. It was the
weekend after her birthday . |
I work out like a convict but
only look good lit from the side, flexing so hard I grind my molars out of
whack. I have no job no money no possessions and my house is full of cat
hair and centipedes. | I’ll never have the kind of life your modern woman
requires. My beard is patchy. |
He
preferred the tap. He’d heard the plastic made you lactate.
When he swung the closet door open she was huddled by the mop bucket. | Cold, wet, shaking,
hugging her knees. Marcy Pendergrass.
Get up, he said. |
But I don’t care. My balls hurt. | Maybe cancer . I don’t
care.
I get up to jack off. |
Irrecoverable.
So I guess you’re back to being a cunt.Gender Studies
Weekend. What do I have lined up. | AA pancake breakfast. Talk to my
parents. |
In November they bought a house. One
night he woke up in the dark when the garbage truck came early . | Her
fingers were prying open his belly . Her bloody lips grinning; eyes like a
lizard’ s. |
It will pass. Get out of the house and do something. | Put on your
adult dress up pants and look at a spreadsheet and call phone numbers and
discuss industrial real estate transactions. Permits for spray booths. |
There was rustling in the sumac bushes. Three coyotes
had pinned a big white animal. | He got closer . It was a unicorn. |
Their fat
Irish faces. I’m stuck in LA though. | My mother moved here. Too much of a
twist of the knife to move back to the frozen hell I talked her into leaving.
Cold ground so hard you fall and hit it like a car door slamming. |
There’ s no way you’ll ever
have money there. They got that system from the Spanish where two guys
in suits own all the land. | They just flog the other sixty million people for
not picking sugar fast enough while their wives get plastic surgery. It’s a
curse to have opportunity . |
She had an apartment on campus. Her kids
went there too and I knew them. | I had a cold. She came up to me at night, in a
room under the auditorium where they stored theatre props.You feeling OK, she asked. |
A client. He’d had to buy it for a wedding.
All cotton. | No armpit stains.
He’d got up at five to iron it. Hung it on the shower curtain rod in the hope the shower steam
might soften it. |
A good metaphor for something but I don’t know
what it is. Talked to sex tourists, sex workers, sex trafficked children, tryingto figure out what made the whole thing tick. | How can I get those kids the
fuck out of there, how can I make money so I can build them a home or
something… five years later I’ll come back and fuck them raw. 20 dollars.
Manila to Angeles to Olungapo to Cebu to Dumaguete in two weeks. |
Fleas can jump the equivalent of 300 yards. Fleas’ exoskeletons,
like 3 inch steel plate. | Fleas have 9 inch cocks. They turn into men at night
and ruin your girl’s pussy . |
It’s you. Come in. | Wordlessly bend over and I
stick it in your crusty cunt and cum before I’m halfway in because you
caught me before my post work jerk. Wordlessly leave. |
He
left a note.
Later she came to apologize. He was alone, drunk. | The best way to
make amends, he said, would be some pussy .
No such luck.
They talked. Her dad was in prison for life, she said. |
She came in the morning. Took him to the beach where her canoe was
waiting. | Do you know how to drive one, she said. It is traditional Philippines boat. |
I know you felt it too.
Real but not tenable. Talking to Angela on the phone. | Hearing her laugh.
First time in four years. This is not literally what it felt like but the only
metaphor that contains it: clusters of trillions of galaxies suddenly uncurling
in my heart across infinite black space. |
R & D tried it as an upholstery cleaner and a
mentholated cooling wipe for genitals and armpits. Neither tested well. | They settled on a new facial
product for teens. From 12 to 17 many young people develop acne. |
The kids looked down on me. I had to tell them–
I wanted something better for you.
Well– I know. | I’m sorry I wasted it. I’m sorry I was ungrateful–
She was gone. |
No
more Westerners now because of the terrorist. She had studied hospitality. | Hoped to work in
California. You’d be like a movie star there, he said. |
The Tabasco Sauce branded Hawaiian
shirt is the flagship garment of this school. Sports jerseys. | Men dressed like
Kevin Smith.
And who am I to trash them. I’m there buying pussy like everyone else. |
What else. My bike got stolen by the citizen
offspring of undocumented whatever you call them now. | Rent sixteen grand a year, shit not bolted
down always stolen instantly. Like a doughnut on the beach snatched by seagulls. |
I’m right.
I also think I’ll never meet my future wife. I think if I signed up for a
cupcake baking class like peop le say it’d be ten lonely dudes, two ugly
girls. | I think if I don’t work agonizingly for pussy every day nothing
happens. Most times not even then. |
It will leave a red imprint around
my guts. T ake six weeks to recede.
It’s a delicate balance. | For my body to be genuinely ripped my face has to
be so skinny that my eyes sit in deep black pits. Eyeballs themselves
beginning to wrinkle like grapes that fell off the bunch and sat in the bottom
of the bag as the grapes got so old they went on sale for 39 cents a pound.
Fat gut fat face, I can feel it. |
At night the coyotes
came. Crying at each other behind the house. | When I hear them I go chase
them. There’ s always a scout. |
There’ s only hell in my theology .
Hell or you’re a ghost meekly trying to get the living to notice as you stay
trapped in a one bedroom apartment in a neighborhood where girls used to
go, forever . When my cat died– when my cat, the only thing I loved, was
violently shaken to death by my fat neighbor ’s put bull while I was away at
work– I wrote about it. | Someone commented with a thing called Rainbow
Bridge. It said when you die you go to a meadow . |
She called me at
12:32. Booty call. | I went to bed at 9:55 after playing Far Cry Primal. Made
4 attemp ts to conquer an Izila village. |
Slowly turned him so his back
pushed into the rough deep furrows of the redwood bark. Only then did she
let him near her mouth. | Her soft cool tongue. Her hands pushing his dress
shirt open and his V neck Hanes Beefy Tee up to his chest and he felt his
belt choking his guts for a second while she got the buckle off, opened his
pants, pulled down his underwea r and he was naked in the dayli ght. |
Go to a witch and cast a spell on Sophie the 19 year old grocery
bagger . Also cast a spell to have her bulk up and do squats and
deadlifts to expand her ass, maybe grow a top lip.
22. | Go to church, hold hands with wheatfield tier white woman. But
they’re all fucking the Ovation guitar playing preacher who
murmurs healing words over her .
23. |
To eat and
grow strong. Their songs were still like the sparrows. | But now a different
tone. Before: come see me. |
One collapsed billboard only half burned. A
grinning lawyer could make Mexicans millionaires if only they could get badly maimed. | Dial
dos dos
dos- dos dos dos dos.
The old wheel smooth under his palms. |
But I’m going to be honest. This is my
last OKCupid date. | My sponsor told me to get off it. He told me not to go out
with you, actually. |
Maybe she’s right, it’s ending. We’ll be friends.
She’ll marry a rich guy. | Too bad. You turn 40 and start making a little dough,
your dad dies, your cat dies, you realize the only thing that matters is taking
care of someone else. |
He became a superboss
and cracked down like Mussolini on the team. They sold the L.A.
Times to every household in the state and were now calling through
to sell every household a second subscription.
His new job was to handle people who called in to cancel their
A.O.L. | They provided a specific phone line for cancellations and at
the other end of it was him. He got twenty dollars every time he
talked someone out of cancelling and was docked five dollars every
time they went through with it. |
The meat chunks steaming and smoldering made his guts crawl over themselves.
Light from white votive candles with no ornamental casing and the blue sterno flame made their
shadows stutter on the
Fuck Cunt Pussy
walls. You know what I miss the most, said Kent.
What’s that.
Not steak. | Not lobster. Not hot showers. |
Fleas have bought and held Vangaurd ETFs since age 25
and have no terror of retirement. Fleas flirt with the barista effortlessly and
she makes an effort back and forgets the 1,000 scintillating times you
ordered cocoa. | Fleas can squat past parallel without their leg bones creaking
like they’re about to have Joe Theisman’ s compound fracture. Which was
from a flea flicker .
They get on my computer at night. |
She sits there reading wishing a not bad
looking guy would talk to her and one day one of them did and now he’s
dating her. Listening to her discuss her boring schoolbook s, yes, but also
fucking her. | White skin black hair. Like she ought to be in a Frazetta painting
wrapped around some barbarian’s thighs as he lofts a claymore over a
dragon’s corpse, its eyes still glowing. |
Officer Owl was
frustrated with her. Ma’am, I can’t arrest a person just because she was in
your house. | To his right was Officer Sanchez, talking on the phone. I kepttrying to make eye contact with Sanchez. |
Guts twisted. Jesus Christ. | Should I return the other
two for a lar ge.
This Is What I Believe
Work is living death. “Job creators” are murderers. |
She’ s married.
I love a soft belly but too many pigs lately . Now I need to fuck a gymnast
built like a little boy. | Suck on little nonexistent tits with pecs under them.
Tiny lean musc ular panther ass. Fucking a fat girl can make you doubt
yourself. |
A parasite. You might
have cirrhosis. | You thought you had pinkeye and a hernia so you went to
Cesar Velez MD to get eye drops and be told your gut pain was nothing. But
your piss test indicates a liver problem. |
Got into some hard
shit, said Fritz. Organized shit. | Do you know what Al Shabaab is?
No–
The guys you’re down with, Abu Sayyaf, it’s the African version.
I’m not
down with
them.
They work together. The Somalis are down with dudes in Pakistan. |
It’s
the 21st century but you have a monitor with green block letters on black from
the 70’s with what is putatively the person’s name and address, but a lot of
times it’s empty or some guy who was about to get fired had put in “Harry
Stiffey, 69 C umshot Drive.”
“HELLO??!???” WHO IS THIS??!!??”
“Good e vening sir, is this Mr. Sti– uh, are you the head of the household?”
“WHAT ARE YOU SELLING?”
“I’m not, I’m not selling anything sir, this is Cornelius calling on behalf of the
Firefighter Charitable Organization, we’re asking for your support in helping
the Fi-”
“PUT ME ON YOUR ‘DO NOT CALL’ LIST AND NEVER EVER
CONTACT ME AGAIN” (slam.)
And then the hiss again. | Select “DNC” on your dumb terminal. “Do Not
Call.” As mandated by law we will mail a mimeograph of our “Do Not Call”
Policy to what we think is his address and take him out of the system. |
A quantum thing. Can’t have what you want until it means nothing. | I’ll
find a mother for my kids the day my last sperm cell dies. Get a 500,000
advance for Hot Naked Tits 2 the day Weimar inflation hits. |
This helps
avoid taxes. By consenting to this I am consenting to a slow subtle scam to
eliminate social programs. | Turn the country into Ayn Rand anarcho-
capitalism. When enough people have 401(k)’s they’ll take back old people’s
government money because if I don’t need it fuck you. |
Let the machine get it and
savor your fish sticks in peace. “I’m awfully sorry to disturb you sir, but I’ll
only need a minute of your time. | Would it be better to call back another
night?”
“Well, I don’t know. Let me ask you something– WHAT PER CENT OF MY
DONATION GOES TO THE ACTUAL CHARITY??”
Stossel had fucked us, right before I got hired. |
But those are stacked up now too from downtown
past Azusa. There’s a ripple effect going on here folks. | The 605 and 710 are
a sea of red. The 101 is stop and go through downtown past Hollywood. |
I need you to fuck me then spread your legs, open
your pussy , give birth to anothe r hotter girl who also fucks me while you
clean the toilet.
Seriously though just make me not do 100% of the work 100% of the time.
Be reasonably not ugly. I just need hot enough to get me hard and you’d be
shocked what gets me hard. | Hot enough to make me cum too fast but not so
hot you can leave me too easy and move too Provence. Have your life paid
for by a male model who sells extremely pure cocaine. |
Every breeze is your spirit. Every animal
possessed by you to look me in the eye, and tell me: what? What is the
message from the dead? Would you really inhabit a squirrel in my trash can.
Look up from worrying a Jack in the Box bag with one french fry in it.
Wordlessly tell me the meaning of life. | Knowing you: maybe. I saw a green
finch and I stared and stared until I heard your voice. |
It could be Barack fucking Obama. We’ve crossed the rubicon. | Not
even fame will save you. You must pay for additional Super Likes. |
Subsets and Splits