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Loneliness et cetera | I'm a 16 year old boy living in England who immigrated here a long time ago and i have been pretty fucking sad since i was in year 9 mostly because i live in a family which hate each other. I don't go out anywhere as i don't have many friends so i spend a lot of time studying and trying to do great in science,maths and engineering but the loneliness is getting unbearable and i dot know when things will change, hopefully after this last year in secondary school.
My mum broke up with my step dad and she lives by herself, i see her and she likes me and supports me and I've never met my real dad but she tells me he left her then died a few years ago.
Someone said talking about it can help, does anyone else have anyy similar issues? | 2 |
Actually, isnt just about having someone... | I have this thought that we feel especially lonely, sad, and every possible bad feeling about not having that special someone, even though you have a good life a good job, friends... but still there's always that void, that place where you'd like to feel that burning and good sensation that you have when you're in love.. when you have someone as intimate as it can be, where you can let your guard down and truly be yourself..
Humans aren't made to be alone... We dont have the physical and emocional conditions to be alone,emotionally alone.
We need to feel loved, the touch of someone' else's hand, feel that you are truly special to someone who doesnt share your blood, someone who isnt your long time friend...
Just some random person.. that you found, you feel in love, you exposed your deep self to this person.. That is why i think we are affected so much by being 'alone'.....
| 5 |
Prague is a wonderful city. | Prague is a wonderful city. I say so because I saw a girl who was perfect at least from my point of view. She was sitting with two older women (family members I guess, but I wasn't sure because I only had eyes for her) and we looked at each other several times. I have to explain myself, we were eating italian food in a terrace I was with my family, two sisters, my brother and my dad and she was like 5 meters away from where I was sitting. The thing is that I am shy and I was too afraid of scaring her away that I could hold her gaze for longer than a second because I have always been so shy even if I am now a decent looking person I still have some trust issues. When she was about to leave I heard her voice saying something like she was not sure if a boy was looking at her, it was like bittersweet. If I had had enough confidence I would have said something to stop her, but now I'm left with the pain and regret of not saying anything to her. She had blonde hair and these beautiful blue eyes, or at least from my view because I was not close enough to see her eyes in depth. She was speaking Spanish with Argentinian accent, and I am Spanish (sorry for my bad English) and just wanted to get to know her, this is why I posted this kind of message in other websites. I think it is not going to work because it is kind of impossible but if anyone know a blonde girl whit blue eyes from Argentina(/Spain) between 16 and 20 years old who was in Prague at least the 6th of August in 2017, please contact me and if any of you guysenjoyed this post comment your stories pls.
This is also meant to open people's eyes, if you someone you like or you think you are interested in, talk to them don't do what I did, it was stupid (just like me) and now I am never going to see her again. | 1 |
It's sad when your bestfriend turns into the person they swore they wouldn't become | null | 1 |
I feel like I'm everybody's problem. | No matter where I go I seem to be hurting people
And I'm not even trying too. I'm literally trying to be the most upbeat person.
And yet somehow everyone seems to be upset around me.
Or they ignore me and when they do come in contact with me they seem to have a problem with me.
I feel like my best friends problem is me, Like my family's problem is me.
And I honestly don't know what to do.
| 1 |
About staying alive. | Does anyone knows a band 'twenty one pilots'? They have slogan(?) 'stay alive'.
But what for? Why?
I'm living not because I chose it but because I'm afraid to die. But I'm afraid to live too (haha).
I can't find a job 9 months and I almost stopped looking for it. I don't see the way. I feel lost (I want to troll about it - I don't know why).
It seems to me that I don't completely understand that death is point of no return. It won't be easier for me. I just won't be. I won't be free from problems, everything just stops (for me).
I never believe I repeat I NEVER believe that I'm the only one on this planet who can't adapt to adult life for 4 years.
More than once I was convinced that all my thoughts had already been understood and set out somewhere (eg, in fiction). So probably, it is enough for me to know that there is one real person who can't adapt and it will let me go.
I just wanted to pour out my thoughts. Thanks a lot if you read it to the end. | 1 |
Thoughts | This world holds less and less for me with every passing day. It's dull, repetitive, and does not deserve to be called a "Gift." A "Gift" cannot be forced upon anyone, it must be taken willingly. Yet I was forced into this life, without any say in the matter. Everyday I wish I was somewhere else, not dead mind you, just somewhere else. On a different plain of existence or possibly a different dimension or reality. However it's become painfully clear I only have one possible means of escape. I only ask why? That's all my days have been reduced to, merely one why after the other. Day in, day out. Can't I go somewhere else? A place where this anguish of confusion will cease? Why am I stuck here? Why does no one else seem to dwell on these matters as I do? The saddest part is I feel I will never have what it takes to actually end it. I'll simply think of the idea over and over but never bring it to fruition. So here I am. Stuck. Confused. Tormented. Furious. Scared. And above all else running out of motivation to do anything about it. | 3 |
Fly | Sometimes I feel like such a stress to everyone that I just want to fly away. | 2 |
2:16AM | The feeling of rejection always cripples me even when it isnt even real. When people you text dont reply, or they just give you simple response and my head goes " they dont really want to talk to you, youre bothering them." Is this real? Why do i always feel like this? I spent the whole day not uttering a single word because theres no one to talk to. No one who wants to talk to me. Why do i constantly feel rejected. | 3 |
Confessions of a worn out soul | “Damn”. You mutter under your breath as you watch her look at the phone and put it down. She doesn’t know that you’re the vehicle that just pulled up next to her yet. You still have time to leave. But you stay. You get out, walk up to the window. The look of disbelief and fright give away her obvious lie. She’s drunk. Maybe high. She knows how much you despise the latter, but why cover any of it up at this point? Just a few hours earlier you were sitting on the beach a few towns over. You wanted to meet up and take a walk. She lied again. Only this time, she was caught red-handed.
She gives you a half-hearted “text you in a bit”, as if that means anything at this point. You back your vehicle out, she does the same. Then it hits you. Another guy just got in her passenger seat. When it rains, it pours, right? You want to go nuts, but why put in the effort? You knew she was cheating.
The oncoming headlights jar you back into reality like a train coming straight down the tunnel. Hard to believe it was all a year ago. It seems like yesterday and a decade ago all at once. Your body has moved on. You eat well, sleep well enough, fuck occasionally. But your mind never stops chasing the ghosts in the night. Ghosts, in the forms of unanswered questions and lost hopes. You light up another cigarette, something to kill off some of the time, that of the drive and your life, as your pocket begins to vibrate.
Another girl’s face and name light up the screen. If your being fair, she’s the perfect 10 the old one never was. You say to yourself “I couldn’t have had one built better.” And your right, you couldn’t. But there’s a catch. Does she make you smile on the inside like the old one? “Drinks, sometime soon…” Got it. She tries, but do you? You think you do. But right now, you’re three states away, racing to save someone from their own vanity. Someone who needs your saving. Someone who may even want it. But do they deserve it? And at what cost?
You have dinner plans ahead with the 10. So, what the fuck are you doing right now? The list of possible excuses run wild in your head. You know why you’re doing it. She’ll ask, and you will tell. “Because I love you, whether you like it or not, whether you think it is arrogant, ignorant, or belligerent, I do. And right now, it’s the only thing saving your ass. I know you’re either too prideful or too fucking stupid to listen to my advice, so I’m taking matters into my own hands.” You run it over and over in your mind like a cassette tape on loop. You can hear her reaction. You miss the bickering. The scars on your wrists and arms from her fingers, remnants of a happier time, begin to tingle.
It returns, the frantic heartbeat, watery eyes, feels like a stroke. This was what you were always afraid of. Tonight, everything changes again. There’s a distinctive feeling that accompanies an emotional letdown. Blood tingles, pulse races, your stomach feels empty and full all at once, your eyes burn, you tremble a bit. You know, that feeling where you want what you know is true to be a falsehood. Heartbreak of any kind is accompanied by panic. The type of panic you feel when you’re hurt, scared, angry, and forgiving all at once. Feelings of deceit or diminished self-worth. It’s something many people just don’t ever really understand or appreciate.
Losing someone you truly care about is probably one of the most agonizing experiences of the human existence. Someone you feel safe with, that you feel you can share not only your best, but your utmost fears as well. It never ceases to amaze me just how callous some people are capable of being in spite of someone genuinely showing that they honestly care. You feel awful, they don’t flinch. Truth and honesty have become a luxury. And it’s only made worse by the lack of clarity in your own support system. Sometimes, you have friends that readily support you. Sometimes, there are those who might care, but have a way of showing it or saying things that only dig the knife in deeper. Sometimes, they try to give the tough love routine. I find it unfortunate that expressing feelings or disclosing your fears has become as taboo and possibly even unacceptable in our society. You know you aren’t stupid, but sometimes, the reaction those closest to you give can make you feel that way. You can appreciate it, but at the same time, you wish you could tell them just how much what they say hurts. Especially when they have their own preconceived notions and refuse to budge on things. Ultimately, you’re only left feeling even more isolated.
I may be a 6’3, athletically built 200 lb., 27-year old law student, often complimented for good looks, good personality, big heart, the works. Tattoos, beard, the scar of a closed tongue piercing, the “I give maybe ½ a fuck on a good day” attire, laid back nature, witty sarcasm, all of that is a mask. Sure, it’s a true representation of me for the most part, but the toughness of the outer shell doesn’t match the much softer, gentler, and somewhat bruised soul residing inside. It hides the inner misery of lonely nights, feelings of inadequacy, and the absence of someone to share things with. It hides the fact that, in spite of the offers of one-night stands I receive from time to time and turn down, I do so because of a propensity to wind up feeling attached or seeking a more meaningful relationship. And it hides the fact that I usually get told I care too much. I rarely display my emotions to friends. Tears are a definite no-no. This is because I have found that, in spite of what may be a caring message, the not-so-subtle ridicule makes me feel as though feelings are a negative thing. And I think this is a problem that faces many men in today’s society.
Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that the ability to tough it out through a lot of things is definitely a positive attribute. There are many physical and mental pitfalls I grit my teeth at and carry on like it’s just another day. But with the standard being set at that, it stings even more when those closest to you are unwilling to recognize that sometimes there are things that get to us in such a way that we neither want to brush off like another inconvenience nor should we have to. A bad breakup, the loss of a loved one, or even just the feeling that, regardless of how irrational it may seem to those around you, your world is caving in on you despite your best efforts. Sometimes things happen that get to you in a way you don’t choose. But these days, support systems are so conditional and weakly structured that you often find yourself bitter and even more let down after seeking their advice or help.
This started out as a venting of my own inner thoughts, feelings, and maybe a demon or two. After a bit, it became apparent to me that I wasn’t simply getting my thoughts out on one issue in my life that I wanted to move past, but beginning to recognize for myself that there are many problems that need to be addressed that have much more to do with than just me. Maybe my feelings and struggles are just some form of clinical depression. Maybe I’m just naïve. Or maybe I’m not the only one out there struggling with an issue I can’t control and feel more or less abandoned by those I thought I could trust. Either way, I felt compelled to put it out there, and hopefully, if I’m truly not alone in these struggles, someone else may take comfort in knowing that they are not alone either. Cheers, guys.
| 2 |
Tomorrow. | Its my birthday tomorrow. And it'll be the first birthday that i'll be spending alone. I guess this is what adulthood is like. | 6 |
How do I treat my friends better? Or make them... | For the life of me, I cannot verbalize the thoughts I want and need to be delivered. Some good things are picking up, but I'm not in a good enough place to feel stable about it. How do I get better at using my emotions in positive, un-sarcastic ways? I want people to know that there's a good person inside of me, but I'm a lot of energy that I don't know how to control, and I'm too emotional to even listen to music. Going down the rabbit hole. | 1 |
physical pain vs. emotional pain | sometimes it is easier to feel physical pain rather than the emotional pain. physical pain you can manage and it is easier to heal but the emotional pain is harder to manage and to heal because it takes longer and sometimes you just break everyday until your just a bunch of broken and shattered pieces wishing that everything would just end as soon as possible but it never does you wait until it comes and hopefully soon it will come soon and take all the pain away until you feel no more | 3 |
Missing someone not in this world | How do you deal with terribly missing someone whom does not exist here anymore?
It has been 15 years and I am still sad!
Sometimes difficult to go on... | 3 |
vote up sad is how i feel right now | sometimes i have this feelings of emptyness like nothing is enough i always feel empty inside my dad just passed away a couple of days ago i cried a little but i cant cry anymore i just ended feeling more empty than i already was i am broken beyond repair no one can fix me that anyone has ever tried to help they just make me feel worthless and dumb i acutally believe sometimes but i am aready used to that i wish i could be happy and find my happyly ever after but that doesnt happen to everyone i guess i should just fake being happy not that anyone acutually notices in reality how depress i really am not that i am going to acutually say it outloud like anyone would really care if feel like im dying in the inside day by day | 5 |
How can you die, If you're already dead? | How can you die, If you're already dead?
The miserable pain never subsides in my heart. I always put up a front and a smile but if you really knew me. You'd know it's not just broken but shattered in millions of pieces. I'm so alone in this cold dark place called my life, I'm unwanted. I'm not needed. I'm not important. Never am I the first thought in someone's minds and nor am I the last. How can you die, If you're already dead? Dead inside, truly hating yourself in the cold embrace of loneliness. I'm already dead, so tell me. How can you die, If you're already dead? Love will kill you way better than any weapon. Love is a deceiving little killer, it brings you in with it's warm embrace, and then it tears your heart out and crushes it in front of you. This dark and cruel thing kills you way before your own body is dead, it kills you on the inside, and there's no way of coming back. How can you die, If you're already dead? | 3 |
You know that feeling? | You know that immense dread you feel when you wake up; knowing that there are no messages to reply to, no people looking for you, nothing but menial responsibilities waiting for you like school and work. And thats all you have waiting for you. Dont get me wrong, having those are a blessing that not many people around the world have. But isnt it sad, to have so much in life but feel as though you have nothing. | 6 |
My country is falling apart. Living here is so insecure in many ways. Homicide and robbery rates double this year, corruption drained all citizens hope of retirement. There are no jobs. People just want to fight each other about Gender, LGBTQ, left, right, populism. I'm felling hopeless. | null | 7 |
It's so painful | Why everything has to be so difficult?, why does it has to be so painful? Even breathing hurts. I want to sleep. I want to stop time. Why does it has to continue? How can people handle life? | 3 |
I'm so sad | I can't stand this anymore. I'm barely holding it together. I hate myself I just don't want to exist. More and more I look forward to sleeping, I want to stay dreaming forever because it's so peaceful, so much better. I'm sad when I wake up because I'm not sleeping anymore. I don't have a rough life at all, but I'm exhausted of being, of trying. | 5 |
I miss you. | I miss you.
Terribly.
Here I am, lying in my one-place-and-a-half bed, in the very place where you used to throw yourself to snuggle in, and I miss you.
The intensity that permeated your look when it touched me, the softness of your hair, the tenderness of your cuddles, the warmth of your skin against mine, the comfort of your presence, I miss everything.
It is so unfair. You are the person who has approached the most closely the frail little organ that is my heart, and here we are again strangers. It is even worse than being strangers, if we had simply returned back to this stage, there would remain hope, the electrifying excitement of having the opportunity to know each other, to discover each other, to marvel at each other of what we were, the visceral excitement of bonding to a new soul.
We're not even strangers anymore. Even our eyes are fleeing each other as we both die of wanting to make them cross again.
I miss you.
You had to realize that we did not want the same thing for this utopia to end. It was too good to be true, you were too beautiful to be mine.
And here we are, both of us wishing deeply to reach the contraries of our mutual desires.
You, to love me with a flame of love that you do not have, in order to keep by your side the soul mate you found in me.
Me, to be able to forget that it is this flame of love that I have for you which gnaws me, in order to be able to meet again your almond eyes without feeling my world collapsing, in order to have the strength to keep you by my side, to have the strength to love you with that profound friendship you have for me.
I miss you.
We are but the sad spectators of a morbid scene, where we can only look helplessly at our plans to empty their blood by liters. The hope was extinguished in my hands when I tried to hold it to you and you did not know how to grasp it.
Love has given way to disarray, happiness has given way to loneliness, romance has given way to nostalgia, your kisses on my cheeks have given way to the erratic furrows of my tears, and you, you have given way to a gaping hole in the middle of my most secular hopes.
I miss you.
I wish I could hug you again, I would like to have the naivety to believe that you loved me, I would like to have the carelessness not to fear the nature of your feelings. I wish I could no longer be afraid to eternally continue to seek for you through all the people I meet. I wish I could not be terrified that I will never find someone else like you, someone who would have the same laugh, the same look, the same dimples in the corner of the mouth, the same hair, the same Way to kiss, the same way to get angry, the same tastes for music. I wish I could feel able to love something else than what you are.
I wish I could no longer feel a piece of me collapse every time I remember that you are now part of the past and that there is no possible future with you.
I wish that the thought of you leaves me a different taste than the bitter one of the salted pearls that flow on my cheeks.
I miss you. | 17 |
I can't get through this feeling. | I'm said all the time and I'm angry as well. Just 1 little thing makes me want to freak the fuck out. People see this nice sweet kind sensitive person but I see someone totally different. When I get mad I bottle it all up inside and I see myself throwing shit and breaking everything screaming just freaking the fuck out but it only has happen twice in my life. When I try to talk to someone about it they say why are you so angry? Well honestly I don't know. I have no fucking idea but it's killing me slowly. Please help | 5 |
Why me? | I keep it bottled up. That's the truth. I'm to afraid to tell anyone what in sad about. Part of me doesn't know what I'm even sad about. Why me? Why bring me this sadness... This... This depression? Is that what it is? Oh gosh, why... I feel bad. Why should I be sad, or depressed or whatever it is I'm feeling when I'm surrounded by love. I have the most loving, caring, kind parents and yet.. I'm sad. I'm sorry, mom, dad. I am. | 4 |
My Story Part 1 | I consider myself a blender. I blend in with this and I blend in with that. I am insignificant. I know this now, but it took me awhile to reach this realization. I always thought of myself as a fairly social being. I was always surrounded by friends, or so I thought. As I reflect on my life thus far, I realize that I've never truly had a good friend and it's my fault. You see, when I was younger I would cling to the "popular" girl in school (this was a real theme) and we would become best friends. Because I was inevitably less popular I would try my hardest to keep my "best friend." Despite her making fun of me relentlessly, talking about me behind my back, and on more than one occasion suggesting I kill myself I was, in fact, still their "best friends." When I was about 10 years old I had a kid threaten to beat me with a baseball bat if I tried to go near my "best friend" because on that day she didn't feel like talking to me. I was disposable and that is still true to this day. | 3 |
Beyond heartbreak | Well it clearly was one sided, even though it seemed not to be, like there wasn't even a fucking warning.
I mean she told me she loved me, multiple times, I invested a fuck ton of my time, canceled plans, helped her when she needed it. I drove an hour and a half to hold her when she had her fucking miscarriage and when it passed through her. Clearly I'm just friend material.
Not to mention, when the father of her child bailed like it was a cool thing to do, I made sure she was okay, had what she needed. I invested myself emotionally in her, gave her time, and in all reality, time is the most precious thing you can give someone, but she threw it the fuck away.
I mean I met her fucking kids alyssa! Her kids and I bonded!!! We fucking bonded! I was more of a goddamn father figure to her children then there own goddamn father! Like what the actual fuck.
This is why I have a bottle full of ambien with me and a glass full of vodka, I want to know what happens when you combine the two. | 3 |
I'm tired | I'm so tired. Not I don't mean I need to sleep, I mean my soul. I may just be 21, but I've done a lot. I've lived more life than I should have at this age, and I just don't want to be here anymore. I know that sounds bad, but I mean it; and no, I don't mean I want to off myself, however I'd be lying if I said I never thought about it. Every time I look at her, see something she did, and notice that she doesn't need me nor will she ever want me, my heart breaks a little.
I know, weird right? For a woman I've known for no more than 3 months, but it's strange. I feel a connection with her that I haven't felt, well ever. Talking to her makes me smile, being with her brings me comfort, and seeing her makes my heart beat erratic.
Her voice too, it's so sweet, and she has so much passion behind everything she does. Like I said though, she no longer needs me, therefore, I will have to get over this. God I feel like some heartbroken 16 year old who thought this person was the love of my life. I'm not naive enough to think that however. She wasn't, or at least she may not have been.
Who knows if I will have a future with her, no one really does, it's not like she wants one with me anyway. Even though I may not have a romantic relation with her, something intimate, I want her close, by that I mean I want her in my life. I've been happier, more motivated, all the flashbacks I have subsided for the most part, and when I'm with her, no matter how bad my day was, it all fades away and I become happy again.
If I were to have her in my life, albeit just as a friend, I would be the happiest I've ever been. When she finds love, even if it isn't with me, I don't care, as long as she is happy. For you see, her happiness is the most important thing to me. | 3 |
I hope u listen | I don’t understand other people, I’m talking about a few. How they can be so nice a minute than hit you the next second and their excuses is beacuase I love you. How they think hugging fixes the situation. I can call the police officers but other people are going to be sad if they left. They blame me beacuase I don’t want to do something they want to do. There Christians to you go to church one day than Monday all that peace and love turns to anger. There are things I don’t like and you get mad at me beacuase I don’t like those things. I guess I’m spoiled that I don’t want to be hit one minute than hug it out the next or even not be hit. You promised you would stop but you didn’t you’re not even drinking so I have no idea what to do. I can’t fight back I’m too weak. I can’t do the things I like only the things you like. In the end, you are they one people comfort as if I’m the spooled one I don’t get it. I sit in my room crying and I get in trouble because I’m crying. | 6 |
How I beat Sadness | I didn't | 2 |
Let me know if I can help | It's a tough world out there, we "the people" are usually self centered (and who can blame us, it's not like we can cohabit another body), and loneliness is more real than god.
I wish I had magical powers but I don't, I wish I made some different life choices but I can't, I wish I could feel the void inside my heart... and maybe one day I will... maybe one day we all will.
Life is either a short or long trip. It's not easy, it's actually very hard and some of us can barely hold it together at some points. But it doesn't have to be perfect, it doesn't have to be pretty and it doesn't have to be funny... life is what we can make of it and there's always a choice in front of us... to be or not to be.
Let's find our way, let's feel all the other dormant feelings we have inside... let's just try to relax a bit and enjoy the trip.
Today I want to be: something, nothing or everything to someone. Your choice... your move.
Maybe by helping you, I can heal myself... we could feel something other than sadness, even if it's just MADNESS. ;) | 2 |
Shit man i don't feel like doing anything | null | 3 |
How I Beat Sadness | I just wanted to share with everyone how I keep from getting sad. Let me know if you agree or not. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCVhRFhKNrU i made this video because i wanted to try and help people get out of funks. | 1 |
How do i overcome this? | A few weeks ago I decided to do a factory reset on my laptop for a few diferent reasons. I thought about it for a few days and I backed everything i needed up on a portable drive and went for it. Everything was going great as I was unloading all my files and folders until I realized I'd left one of my most precious folders in Dropbox and forgot to bring it back (I decided to back a few things up on Dropbox but nothing was uploading so I moved them back but i got distracted and forgot to bring the last folder back) so I lost that and the drive's at a data recovery place and I'm using a clone of it now. Then I realized that half of my documents had been in a cloud storage that had been set up for me ages ago and i'd of course forgotten that too. Gosh I was being so careful I don't know how I forgot so much!
All my personal folders of trips I've been on, journals I've kept, family, friends, moments etc. A lot of my photography and work.
The point is I didn't know how much emotionally attached I was to it all until I'd lost them. I've just been devastated And I don't know how to overcome this greif of my life's work.
| 2 |
Worst kind of sadness | Well, I realised today that the worst kind of sadness is resigned sadness. That's when you know you are not going to do anything about it. Lie awake, eyes wide knowing you are sad and empty and can't even cry, because you cried it all before. | 1 |
You can’t really get rid of sadness can you? | You can’t really get rid of sadness can you? You may choose how you want to respond to sadness, but you can’t change the way you feel. Sadness is like a burden that is glued to you for a while until it disappears by itself and there is nothing you can do to change from being sad to being unsad - but this has nothing to do with your action or response i.e. what you choose to do despite the feeling. | 5 |
I'm tired of being sad. | I realized a few weeks ago that, most of the time, I'm just sad. I feel lonely, I feel like nobody cares about me and I just want to cry non-stop for hours.
It's not like this every day. I mean, I used to be a super happy person.
I used to smile all the time and just say things like "It will get better" and shit like that. But that started not working lasts year summer.
I met a fantastic person. I really have. I adore him with all my heart and he's the first person I've ever connected with in such a way.
It was all really fast, tho. We met, we started dating, and two months later, I lost my virginity with him. I'm saying this not because I regret it (because I really don't), but because it changed me in some way.
Since we started dating, everything started changing. I see things a different way and I really think I've changed. Not only because of sex, but because I've been sharing my life with someone I love for the first time in my life.
But ever since that happened, I feel sad way more often, for no reason at all. Like, I can just be happy and the next moment I feel like completely shit.
And don't get me wrong, our relationship is totally healthy. We respect each other, we talk a lot, and we support each other for everything. He also listens to me when these mental breakdowns happen and has never ever said anything wrong/harmful.
But, I don't know. I'm feeling incredibly sad and I don't know what to do.
I have other friends and family that support me and love me, but for some reason, I just feel lonely.
I also told my mum and she says it's because I'm a teenager and these things happen but... I'm really scared something else might be happening. Is this normal? Am I just another a teenager with hormones that doesn't know how to control her feelings? | 4 |
Dreams are just dreams. An Open letter to...someone?..that hopefully no one I know will read, but I irrationally post in a public place anyway. | The dream is just a dream. Just tell them and get it over with. Tell them you lied. Tell them you can't hack it. Tell them you're not cut out for greatness like you tell yourself, tell them they deserve better.
My finger hovers over the button of a message like that, in the general chat of my game development team (if I can call it that since I've let it become damn near totally inactive) and I can't push it. Maybe its my own form of suicide and my finger's on the trigger. Just kill what's left of yourself and fade into the background.
I'm done. The feeling that this is a waste comes more and more often. My finger gets closer and closer to the button. My ambition slips a little further, and something disgusting and bitter gains a little more ground. This is worse than death, I'm sure of it. The feeling that all my effort was for nothing.
To childishly believe that I, disgusting little me, worthless me, could make a difference. To have the gall to tell the others they can do great things if they believe in themselves when I myself sit here, barely able to read what I'm typing through a scrunched face and crocodile tears. Typing out all my hatred and inexplicable, unnecessary, uncontrollable misery to a bunch of strangers because God I don't want people I know to see this side of me.
I don't have money. I'm not attractive. I don't have a million dollar smile and a wit to match. I'm not clever, my intelligence is average, my music sucks, my drawings are wastes of paper. I tell myself these things all the time even as other people tell me otherwise. Why don't their words do anything against this...whatever this is?
"To make the world, even if its only for a little bit, intimately aware of each other. To be the first people in history to cause the closest thing to a universal sonder. To use something as innocuous and fun as video games to do what many people believe is impossible - change the global human consciousness."
Quite the mission statement, huh? I recruited nine other people, from amateur to professional, on the idea that it can be done. I used these exact words.
But pretty words don't make things real.
And neither do I.
| 2 |
I'm having troubles | Today I was thinking over my life and discovered that I don't really like anything. Everything I do or think of is just another problem, nothing really brings me joy, some things are fun for a second, but as soon as the moments gone it's all dull and empty again. It's not really that I'm sad but more just upset. What can I do to make my self feel the emotion of joy when I do thing I should enjoy. I don't need to be happy to function but more like, want it. I'll live without it if I need to and that's what I've been doing for a while, i might be experiencing it right now and may not know it. I don't know, if anyone has any advice then please help. | 4 |
Cried for the first time in years tonight. | I don't know why people do it, it's rubbish. Heh.
Nothing usually brings me down very hard, Depression just kind of leaves me empty and apathetic to things going on around me. A friend gets hurt, I can't empathize. A pet I 'love' died? Shrug and move on, detached.
But tonight everything kind of crashed down on me, hard. I realized just how alone I felt. I used to be surrounded by people, hang out with friends on a daily basis. Now, None of them contact me first, I have to be the one to reach out if I want company, and they're all too busy to hangout with me most times, even though they make plans with other people. The times they invite me out, it's always drinking, and sometimes, despite their assurances that they like me, I think that i'm just there to fill space at parties. I legitimately can't remember the last time they invited me somewhere to do something other than drinking.
Except for one person, but even they've been getting more and more busy lately. Now, i'm not even sure I can call any of them my friends. Half of them I haven't seen or talked to in months to years, I don't know them anymore, though I may have known who they were back then.
People are going to university, getting married, having kids, moving to different cities hours away, and through it all, i'm kind of being left behind to time. I don't have a single friend to even really talk to about this, and I feel like my desperation for attention is starting to drive new friends i attempt to make away, because I suddenly put all that desire for people all onto one person.
Honestly, If I didn't room with my dad, I'd probably have gone insane with cabin fever by now. I talk his ear off for hours out of the day just because i'm desperate to have ANYONE to talk to. I'm also pretty insanely jealous of him, because he has friends that he talks with on a daily basis, and works with large groups of people, basically everything I used to have.
Now I have one friend I talk to a few times a week, and I haven't talked to a single other person for over a month. When I start having doubts about her wanting to have anything to do with me... well, it kind of just broke me. rambling here is... nice, since I don't -think- anyone I know knows my user name here.
I really need this to change, but I don't know how. The 'friends' that I do have are all too busy with their own lives to care about me, and I don't really have a lot of money to make trips into the city to meet new people. I feel like eventually, i'll just collapse into a black hole of self-deprecating misery until i'm homeless and out on the street, until one day the only thing left of me is when someone asks at a party "Hey, whatever happened to dwillows?" and everyone will just shrug and keep on keeping on. No one to love me, nothing accomplished, hobbies that keep crashing and burning because of anhedonia, It can be hard to find a reason to bother waking up, when Really all i'm doing is mind-numbingly refreshing reddit until it's time to go to sleep. | 12 |
If people could really get to know me they'd probably treat me worse. | As of now people don't really notice me. Everyday I get to enjoy things like waving to people who don't wave back, smiling at people who avoid eye contact, and saying hello to strangers who are seemingly too busy to say it back. I'm sure many of you have encountered things like this. My problem is that I want to feel like they are wrong for their behavior but the truth is I can't think of one reason they would talk to me. If they knew about my gore fetish they'd probably treat me the same. If they knew how judgmental I was they'd probably not want to spend time with me. If they knew I had bipolar depression they'd probably steer clear. idk what I'm really trying to say. I wish I was better. I wish I deserved to be happy. | 2 |
Sometimes... | I just want to vent. Sometimes i just want people, or anyone, just to know how i'm doing. Sometimes i want to listen to someone and be a good friend for them to vent to. Sometimes i want to explain to someone just exactly what i'm going through. I want to explain to someone how much i love them regardless of the many trust issues i have. How insane i feel going through life with open eyes, looking at life through a true perspective, or what i feel is the the true perspective. Sometimes, i want to wither away, turn to ash, and let go, let the wind take me. Sometimes... Sometimes i just want to stop, let go, and fade away. | 1 |
I'm here to help if anyone needs it | Hello everyone. I have gone through an absolutely shitty 2016 (girlfriend ran away with another guy, lost my job, had to relocate, traumas from childhood catching up, etc). However, my purpose here today is not to complain, but rather to let you guys know that there are people (random strangers) who care and are capable of these altruistic acts. I personally know how it feels like to be trapped in the depths of despair and not having anyone to talk to at all. While I won't necessarily have all the answers, I'm all yours to vent or let out anything on your mind at all
I hope this helps.
| 0 |
A great love❤ | What great love as this, as I hold my dear love ones love in my heart, my heart has began to grieve.
A love that was so beautiful, now only remains in our thoughts.
As I walked down this empty hallway I grab a knife is sharper than any pain suffered.
As a blade has been held, and into one we became.
Oh my dearly beloved, shed not one tear, I am free, and have become the one God wanted me to be.
As they run towards the lifeless vessel, my heart and my loveWill remain as your blessing.
Forget me not my dearly beloved I found my one true love.
And with a heart that is committed a silent Vow of marriage.
Call my memories close, because with my memories is where you'll find me the most.
My gentle hand will find its way upon your cheek, soft tender kisses given because you seek.
Hold me close my dearly beloved until the day Heaven comes and we shall meet. | 2 |
How do I not care? | Introduced to this woman by my friends. Been trying to set up a coffee date, but so far no luck. It's been a while since she's texted me back today. Worried that I've bored her or pestered her too much (though I've kept the text ratio 1 to 1 mostly). It's not that I'm really into her. I'm just really into the idea of being in a relationship. I'm 34 and the only relationship I've ever had was when I was 25 and only lasted 3 months. Anyways, long story short, I hate being alone. | 2 |
Terrible thoughts | I hate myself. Im 23 and married. Nothing wrong with my marriage. Nothing really wrong with my life (anymore) other than a bad childhood. I love my wife more than anything, but I absolutely hate myself. I never feel adequate, never feel like I've done enough or anything at all, I lie awake at night wondering what she sees in me or why she said yes. I wait for her to go to sleep so I can turn over and cry myself to sleep. I wonder if I would be alive without her. | 3 |
To the first boy I've loved... | To the first boy I've loved, thank you. Thank you for the memories that you have forever etched into my mind. Thank you for the lessons that you taught me. You taught me to love but also to hurt. You taught me how to move on and how to forgive. You taught me how to give someone my all, and how to take it all back.
I will never forget the memories we have. Some bitter, some sweet. I will never forget the wild nights with you, my cousin, and a friend I no longer have. The reckless nights of a teenage dream.
I will never forget the time you pulled me off your tailgate so that I could stand on your feet and dance. I will never forget all the times that we would be at your house and you'd stand behind me with your arms around me, admiring our reflection in the mirror. All the love we made in the truck you no longer have, and the one you're slowly replacing. Your dad drives it more than you now. All the times you came to "save" me from boys who wouldn't leave me alone in situations I shouldn't have been in.
Our first kiss under the stars and fireworks a few independence days ago. The nights I thought I loved you and would never let you go. You talked about our future, our forever, no end. It pains me to say that there's no future and there was an end.
I miss the times we had, I'd do anything to go back. But you have changed and so have I, and nothing can reverse that. I hope you're happy now. I haven't heard from you in a while. It's hard living three houses from you, but I've been fine so far. I miss you my cowboy, and as much as I hate to say it, you'll always have my heart. | 2 |
Can't finish it all now. AMA | I (18F) had a fairly normal childhood growing up. I'm the youngest of 5, which allowed me to develop my maturity faster than my peers and other kids my age. I had a nice childhood but I feel that it was short lived. I was always the odd one out in my family, meaning that I was different than the rest of my siblings. From an extremely young age I felt conscious of my actions and overthought everything I did. I have always been very self conscious about my weight, since my mom was always comparing me to my sister and affiliated her success from her skinniness. This manifested over the course of my childhood. My sisters would always make fun of me for being chubby and I remember all of their comments because they scarred me to this day. There were so many societal pressures to look a certain way that I eventually fell victim and this is where shit really goes south. I was 11 when I became bulimic. I was running cross country in the fall and began dropping weight due to the constant running and feared that once the season ended that I would gain all the weight back. I would put eating off for as long as possible and when I did eat, I would immediately throw it up. In the winter, I swam and the weight was still falling off and this continued to the end of the season. By this time I'm 12 and people have commented on my weight loss and I just blame it on getting taller. This bikinis trend continued until I was about 14. There was a period between the age of 13-14 where I was so exhausted from torturing my body that I decided to be happy. But I should've known that it would be short lived. My freshman year of high school came and I was so happy to finally be older. I looked older than my age and acted older too, which attracted the older guys. The winter of that year I fell deeply in love with a senior(17M) that was already in a relationship. He was unhappy with her but wouldn't end the relationship. I was hopelessly in love with him, it was the purest form of love that I had ever felt and my age contributed to the innocence of the love. After about 5 months of staying with this girl and ruining my confidence, my eating disorder developed to an entirely new low. I wanted to whither away, and parallel the emptiness I felt inside due to the unhappiness I felt. Him and I started dating mid April during the end of my freshman year and stayed together until January of my sophomore year. | 1 |
I don't want to live past 18 | I'm 18, and I can't help feeling I'm too old - as in, time is running out for me to die young - i don't really enjoy much in life, don't really like my family or friends (even though they really try to talk to me and make me feel loved), but I feel nothing towards them
I'm not suicidal, but I daydream constantly about dying. I used to see a child psychologist for anxiety and my mum advised I see a psychologist soon to see why I feel the way I do. I do want to get married / have children but I also don't really care if I don't. Thoughts ? | 1 |
How can I cope with depression, loneliness, and an uncaring family? | I normally don’t like discussing my personal life online, but in this case, I feel that I have no other option. For many years now, more than I would like to admit, I’ve been extremely depressed. Nothing gives me any joy, happiness, or contentment. To make matters worse, I have a very uncaring family, one that doesn’t seem interested in helping me, let alone actually accepting me. They call me selfish and ungrateful, like it’s my fault that I’m filled with misery, most of which I can’t escape. Alone and with no one to talk to, I stay up late into the night, occasionally until sunrise. They call me lazy and unproductive, even though I get very little sleep. In the last two weeks, maybe even three, I haven’t slept more than five hours, and that’s on a good night. No matter how many times I tell them, regardless of how hard I try, they don’t seem to understand that these are symptoms of my depression. In other words, they blame me, not the illness.
My sister also suffers from depression, but unlike me, she lashes out at those who make her feel nervous. My parents are more sympathetic towards her than me, mostly due to the fact that she’s a female, and on top of that, she cries a lot more than I do. I cry as well, but it’s late at night, during the time when everyone else is asleep. When I finally do go to bed, I toss and turn for hours, unable to get the negative thoughts out of my head. My family is toxic, unfeeling, and uncaring, hard though that might be to admit. I’m sure they love me, at least in their own way, but they’re creating a very bad environment for me.
I have no job, no girlfriend, and no future. After going to college for three years, learning one useless thing after another, I dropped out, certain that higher education didn’t really suit my needs. Due to a disability that I have, one that cannot be seen by the naked eye, I do not have the ability to drive a car. My fine motor skills are impaired, making it very difficult for me to perform complex tasks with my hands, such as tying knots and driving cars. From food to transportation, I’m completely dependent on my parents. I’m trapped in my house so much, often very alone, that I feel like I’m going to go insane. I can go an entire month without leaving the house, occasionally even longer.
More than anything else, I long to have a kind and supportive wife, one that will love and comfort me. Unfortunately, due to my situation, meeting people can be very difficult, if not downright impossible. I would try online dating, but at this current time, I can’t afford it. Even if I could meet people, most women want men with money and status, not starving artists. Around where I live, which is in a very small town, most of the women are white trash. I want an intelligent and worldly woman, specifically a woman who will teach me, guide me, and give me confidence. Most likely, I will never find this woman, at least not in the near future. In the meantime, I would still like someone to talk to, preferably someone that I can meet in person, not just online.
As an author, I’ve written several books, all of which haven’t done that well. I used to write a lot, but ever since my latest episode of depression, I have hardly written anything. Every week is the same, each moment another reminder of how dark and lonely my life is. My future, what’s left of it, is bleak and without hope, comparable to a lost and lonely graveyard. On some nights, long after everyone else is asleep, I will occasionally come close to having a nervous breakdown. My life is empty, occupied with nothing except silent and negative thoughts, nine out of ten of them being extremely harmful. I would just like some advice, any at all, that could help me cope with my situation. Just as a side note, don't tell me to love myself.
| 5 |
Each and Every day | Every day I wake, just to enter another meaningless cycle of absolute wothless existance ; I have everything for i am a middle class American, where anything i could possibly want is in a fingertips length , but what i desire the greatest, is yet the farthest out of my reach. While others starve I prosper, yet they are more satisfied than I, what do they have that i not, perhaps family, love, or community i do not know; yet my misery seems irrational and even ungrateful,
I walk surrounded by others and their enjoyment they always seem so happy,
I allow myself to laugh always, sometimes at random, and almost uncontrilably, because i belive he who can not sit to shed a simple laugh is less human than someone like Jeffery Dahmer,
I will not let sadness consume me, but in each and every day i LITERALY sit across from what sucks into my greatest attention, i can not help but to stare at the greatest beauty god has ever sent down for humanitity to see, something so heavenly beutifull that i would sacrifice myself into death if it would bring the slightest of joy or pleasure to this beauty,
But i obiously know, such a relationship with this sweetness is so beyond me and seemingly unobtainable from my position, and this knowing this, pains me greatly, what i will never experiance is how so close, so close i can almost taste it, ALMOST.
I have never felt a desire so great as this, not of money, of sexy women, of fame, or even any other great acomplishment imagineble; and how to fullfill this i belive is so simple, but so incredibly easy to lose forever.
This desire plagues me i cant help but think about this during any time of the day even on the highest and most euphoric of times.
What i belive so strange is she has no clue of my thoughts, none, going about her daily life unknowing as if i thought the same of her as any other joe-schmoe she may incounter. | 3 |
Why? | Despite never missing a beat in this dance called life I forever find myself on the ground rhythmically being trampled on and so it begs the question...do I have to wait for the music to finish before leaving the dance floor or am I allowed to flee into obscurity if and when I want? Why is giving up such a bad thing....Surely its good to know when you've had enough? | 1 |
Solitude | I had an amazing childhood crush back in highschool. They liked every show, anime, video game, everything I liked. In some magical turn of events, it turned out they liked me and asked me out, without even knowing how obsessed I was with them. 4 years. 4 years of each other through the best and worst, bringing the other up hen no one else would, laughing nonstop, completing each others sentences, thinking the exact same thing. 4 years of someone in the world who knew I got constantly physically and emotionally abused by my parent, actually listened to when ever I tell them when I get thrown down the stairs or kicked and taunted till I cried. 4 years of someone knowing everything about you, what makes you happy, your philosophy you developed growing up, how you react to certain things, how to make you feel better. 4 years of them taking you in, and their happy family bringing you out to family dinners or movies, all around being surrounded by adult figures you always wished you had raising you like one of their own, someone finally treating you like a human being. I can actually function again, I can actually speak to someone using my voice without it cracking or stopping mid sentence, I can actually be a normal human being like everyone else. The abuse got worse and worse, house was foreclosed because we're too poor, dad had to move to somewhere else, I could only take a quarter of my belongings (we were being rushed out of our house in 2 days). 4 years of feeling like a real human being. Until they realized I was needy trash and decided to tell me they were cheating on me for years. Because she was obsessed with boys. And I am a girl.
I have no other friends. No happiness.
Didnt know my life will end so soon. | 5 |
Old Familiar Feeling...(random waves of sadness) | Sometimes I get this wave of sadness sometimes at work, or alone. Makes me want to just be alone, listen to sad songs, sulk, when really, nothing in my life is that bad at all, I'm just a big sack of shit. I wanna get out of the sulk, but I feel like I need it. Like a pleasant dance with darkness. I'm not suicidal, or depressed, I would say, but I am needed it, from time to time. I feel it now, I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way, randomly. It's definably the most comfortable sadness. | 4 |
I remember what was like being special to someone | I remember what was like being special to someone... They didn't have to be in a relationship to feel special I remember that they were just friends and whenever someone sees them, they would immediately think that they both are couples but in reality they were not. People might say that they both don't dare to tell each other how they really felt for each other, that might be the case, but, no. They didn't have to let each other know how they really felt, is already shown through their actions ; staying up late to talk to each other and still not getting bored even when they see each other the next day, telling each other all their fear , giving up time just to be spent time with them, sharing memories being lonely together . The best part was that both did the same for each other. I remember what was being special to someone like. But, time is... cruel, they drifted apart. Nothing happened, no fights, no arguments, just their life choices that drift them apart. Nothing is wrong about that but is just sad isn't? because being special to someone is a hard and rare. | 5 |
Wondering how you got by all these alone when I selfishly walked away. Now, it's all too late | If you keep looking back, you will never be able to move on.
Been so sad lately or rather everytime the memories flows back, it's everywhere.
Chanced upon your family photo and I couldn't help but teared up a little.
Not sure why but I've been crying a lot lately. I wanted this so bad and now it finally happened but why am I crying?
Maybe it's because I'm the guilty one. I can't convert those feelings to anger or hate because i'm the one who did you wrong. Even though you make mistakes sometimes, but those mistakes are nothing compared to mine.
Never thought you'll ever hate me, never thought you'll even give up on me, or even try to move on from me.
Always taking you for granted thinking you'll always be there, thinking you'll still be there to catch me when I walk back, selfishly thinking that you'll always wait for me to come back.
I can't even describe how I feel right now because I only know how to cry.
It hurts, hurts so much I don't even know what's hurting anymore.
My tears, it wouldn't stop flowing.
Rainy night doesn't make it any easier to get through tonight. | 2 |
What is this? | I feel dry. Useless. I cant sleep, i want to but i cant. I tried sleeping pills, it worked.. for a few months, so i stopped.
I don't feel like moving or going somewhere even tho i need to. My mood changes constantly. Sometimes i have the urge to cry for no reason but tears wont come out. I secretly do not go to school without my parents' notice. I dont like it there.
One day i'll do all my house chores to help my mom, the next day i wont do anything and just lay in my bed all day long, ignoring my parents' rant. Sometimes i dont want to talk to everybody. I did try to get myself busy by doing a part time job but i hated it so i stopped. I don't know if its just because im still a teenager that im like this. Is this a serious problem or not? I just want to live normally. | 2 |
Sad day to all of us today when a tragedy happened september 11 2001 #9/11 | null | 1 |
Need help? Try this out. You're not alone. | http://www.7cups.com/13462433 | 1 |
I don't know. | The question isn't if I want to live. It's if how long am I going to make it.
~4e4255554a46 | 2 |
dress of flowers | it isnt like you are the girl i used to know.
you never were. | 2 |
the death of a non-relationship | I am punishing myself
I know that
I dug deeper
just to feel the pain
just to feel insignificant
just to feel sick about myself
it is not my fault?
it is my fault
in the sense that i should have taken better care of myself
should have protected myself against something that I knew, deep down, I can't handle
can't handle because I want to believe in the best of everyone
can't handle because...
I willed that I am special
I dug deeper
to kill my heart
I'm living a double life
the heart in my other life is still alive and truly well
but it will still be a short while before I can truly return to my other life
at the moment
i'm still in limbo
this is my purgatory
well
more like in between hell and purgatory
i don't want to be over dramatic
i put too much meaning in other people's actions
because i care
because...
i willed that i am special
and?
i am not special | 7 |
had a breakup and i feel like i don't want to exist anymore | not sad, just empty | 7 |
It's been a horrible week and I keep getting kicked when I'm down | To start off the week my parents put my cat down and didn't even tell me. I noticed when I couldn't find my cat or her belongings. I never got to tell her goodbye. When I cried to them and told them they should have told me they said "we're telling you now".
I ended up with a kitten that had been neglected by a family member. I was yelled at by my parents for bringing it home and was told I had to take it back. I didn't get a chance to take it to a vet because no one would take me unless I had an appointment and none had any for awhile. The kitten died.
My boyfriend of 5 years father has cancer. It was pretty much confirmed he'll be dead in a month and he is in constant pain.
MY boyfriend then lied to me about where he was going. It was small and pretty innocent, but we have had trust issues in the past and I felt hurt and betrayed, especially because it was something that he didn't need to lie about.
Then the next day he tells me we should take a break. Not break up, but spend less time together. He said he just wants to spend more time with friends. This also hurt because he could always say he wants more time with friends and I wouldn't mind, but now I feel like he is trying to end things and he can't be upfront.
On top of all this I don't have many friends. None of which I can talk to all this about.
I feel hated by everyone. My parents only yell at me and my boyfriend barely wants to talk. I just take all of it, too. I just feel shitty. | 1 |
I hate the feeling of depression | It feels like your falling into a deep pit of despair with a way out but it feels as if to get to out you'd have to cross the Atlantic. | 3 |
31st Birthday, not a Friend in Sight | Hey guys, I don't really have anybody else to complain to, so here I am.
It's my 31st birthday (July 11th), and not a single person has wished me happy birthday.
I'm a single Dad, primary guardian to a 5 year old daughter. Ever since I took on the mantle of full-time Dad, my friends have been nowhere to be seen.
I just got moved into my own apartment a couple of months ago, after years of bouncing on various friend's couches. I would have thought they would be proud of me, but nobody has even asked me where I moved.
To top it off, kid is with mom for the weekend so I'm alone and completely broke. I just want to watch Netflix, eat pizza, and cry. | 6 |
Weird feeling after watching a movie | Wondering what's this feeling inside me that makes me want to listen to piano music. My feelings are mixed up right now and I think sadness tops it the most. By the way, the movie that I watched is called Lily Chou-chou and it's about suicide, loneliness, bullying and the ether. Maybe it's because I'm not used to these types of movies and they're too "realistic" for me but I am strangely attached to the movie. It's a beautiful sad experience that I never want to go back to. | 3 |
What do you do when can't remember what it was like to have your husband love you anymore? | null | 2 |
Well (love related) | I had always loved her. I did everything for her. But in the end she chose someone else. She loved him so much even though he's kind of an asshole. What should i do?? Should i be angry? Sad? | 4 |
Do you know that feeling: It's like midnight and you're just freakin' sad, almost depressed? | null | 6 |
Breakup | It has been 1 week since I my ex broke up with me. It had been about a 2 year relationship. We met about 27 months ago when I moved in with her and some friends in a flat. We became partners around 1 month after that. We have lived together since the start of our relationship with our separate rooms technically, but spent 99% of our time with each other. This year marked the start of our 3rd year flatting together and we decided to share a room to save money. All had been going well. We were both studying at university, and she has been doing extremely well. We have travelled to Australia and Vietnam together. We have spent the holidays together at her families place. We have done so much together. Due to uni and our often conflicting schedules recently we have only been able to see each other in the evenings. That wasnt a big deal.
In the past month I had started noticing that she was a little distant from me. I didnt think much of it as we have been through small stages like that before without anything serious resulting from it. The last 2 weeks of our relationship I knew something was up. She was flirting with other guys, talking about going away for a while with some guy mates, and overall acting very distant and actively avoiding hanging out. I gave her some space as I knew she has issues with feeling pressured and tied down etc. I asked her how serious this was but couldnt get many answers as she hated being queationed about it. She said to takenit serious butnit would be stupid not to keep trying since we had been going out for so long. A few days passed. We arranged to mert in a park. I thought it was to discuss what was happening. I brought food and drinks so we could have a small picnic, but when she sat down she had a solemn look on her face. I offered her a drink and she refused and said she wants to break up. My body shut down and all my emotions went into overdrive. I asked her why, and she said there was no passion and never has been. She said we are better off as friends. I asked her if we could at try to fix it but she said passion isnt something you can get back. I disagreed because there are reasons (which I cannot share on here for her privacy) why sexual passion was missing. I understand that this is not the aspect of passion, but it is important. I have been holding back on the passion side of our relationship maybe a little too much, but I thought it was beneficial for both of us at this stage. She then said a few other reasons that prior to this conversation. Many of these reasons were things she was not interssted in before. Maybe the reasons she gave me where not all the truth. Maybe she doesnt know herself. Im kicking myself for letting the relationship get to that stage without realising or doing anything to help. I understand that it is both our faults for this conclusion.
I accept that I may never get answers. Its not easy but I can accept that. But there are some things that I do not know how to deal with.
The first is the loneliness. I have been in 2 back to back relationships since I was 15. I am now 21. That is 6 years of having a significant other. I have never felt this loneliness before. She has packed her stuff and moved most of it out of the the room. I hate not having her stuff there. I hate not sharing the bed with someone. I hate not having someone to always talk to. I hate not having someone who you share your life with. I feel extremely lonely. I have reached out to family and friends, but there is only so much that they can do. The void that has been left in huge, and it feels so consuming. I dont know what to do about this loneliness. Replacing her company is not an option, it wont work. I get that I need to fill it with other things, focus on myself etc. But that doesnt fill the void.
Second, I dont know how to enjoy being single. It sucks. It's lonely. Its pointless.
Third, I still have hope. I shouldnt, but I do. Her family has messaged me saying sorry and that they are thinking of me and best of luck in the future and hopefully see you in the future sometime. This should getbrid of my hope as it shows they are acknowledging the finality of it all. She has also told me she doesnt want to give me hope so she is going to say there is none. Thats a bit counter-productive because of the way she worded it. Overall I know that there is little to no hope of a relationship anymore. But hope isnt something I feel that I am in control of. I know there should not be any. But how can I voluntarily stop hoping when I still love her?
Last, I dont know how to deal with the clusterfuck of emotions. Anger, sadness, confusion, frustration, anxiety, embarrassment, and loneliness. They are all so vivid. I cannot concentrate on uni. I find no joy doing anything like watching shows, gaming, or any of those casual downtime activities. I have been for runs, have football regularly, and do other social things. These are ok, but they are still just fillers to try distract me. Knowing that they are only distractions even makes these less enjoyable. Nothing is enjoyable.
Im not depressed (I dont think). I know that time will heal (at least partially). I know that I should try move on. Etc etc. But im struggling. I just want her back. Thats it. Nothing else will bring me joy. But I know it cant happen. So im stuck venting my thoughts on reddit haha. What a rambling mind-dump. If you made it this far then im sorry for wasting your time XD. | 5 |
Forever alone 16th bday😔 | So I have my 16th birthday in 3 days and I have no friends to celebrate with. I had always been trying to make new friends and I always managed to have a lot of them but since I changed school everything got f@cked up. All of my friends were gone and in my new school no one wanted me as a friend. When I thought that I made some new friendships these people tried to take advantage of me. I'm really glad that I have my boyfriend who always supports me and treats me like I'm also his best friend but I really miss the times when I had a female best friend to talk with and do all the stuff that makes someone feel lucky to have that friend. | 7 |
worst fears...(warning: talk about suicide) | once you have experienced life at my high school, forget all your other fears, your #1 fear becomes your friends committing suicide within a few short months of attending... | 2 |
I had a dream. | My uncle Dave has been "put away" by my aunt Paula. He's too hard to care for alone. I wish I could care for him but I have a family to financially support.
I dreamt last night. I went to his room. He opened the door. I yelled "uncle Dave!" He smiled and laughed.
We walked together. I asked if he knew me. He said he doesn't know anybody anymore, but he's happy.
My heart hurts for him and the loss if him to Lewy body. | 4 |
whats the point of living | I want to die. I'm 10th grade Supposed to be 11th and a loner anyone know where to buy a gun? Underage? And no I don't want to go in the hood and ask around to buy one | 4 |
Too Many Tears | So, my dog died yesterday. It happens. But I'm finding it very hard to stop crying, to sort it out in my head. I'm a guy in my 50s, and crying over this seems... odd, to me, at this age. Sadness yes, but so many tears?
I think a bunch of things have started to weigh on me, maybe more heavily than I know.
First, my parents. They were lovely, wonderful people, they moved half a world away so I could have a better life, and my gratitude to them will never end, *can* never end. My mother was taken by leukaemia nearly 8 years ago, a terrible blow for the family, but at least we got a chance to say goodbye. We'd celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary the year before, which was a good, good thing. Then last year my Dad had a bad heart attack, he was saved and had a pacemaker put in, but succumbed in June, passing away suddenly. At least he'd had a family dinner the night before where my son told him he was going to be a great grandfather, and my other son also had a child on the way, and my Dad was over the moon about it. But he never got to meet them, and that is a great source of pain for me. And I'll never see them again. They are lost to me.
I'm married. It's terrible. My smart funny journalist girlfriend became a frumpy fundamentalist Christian, riddled with physical and mental illnesses, some of her own causing, some I probably contributed to. She has been a bully, an emotional abuser, a brutal spender of money, and someone barely in touch with reality (well, *my* reality) for years. She has pushed me away, berated me, isolated me and cursed me. Oh, and maybe I should have posted this in /r/deadbedrrooms, because it's been 10 years and counting, folks. *Now*, after decades of this... she wants to be nice, she wants us to do more together, and the thought fills me with horror, because I expect her to turn on me again any second now. It's nightmarish. I understand where she's coming from, but no nonononono. I miss her as she was. She is lost to me.
My sons. Great kids. Struggling with things and now parents to their own young kids. Thing is, the way their mother raised them, they have little respect for me, or her, and think we are just incredibly foolish. More to the point, I miss them. Not the grown men they are now, but the sweet little kids they once were, who could hug and kiss easily and say "I love you!" The wife said I should appreciate the men they are, and the gifts of grandchildren they have brought us, and I do... but I miss those little kids terribly. One of them told me he's been rewatching Star Trek Voyager, and how we used to sneak out to the garage where the TV was to watch it, risking their mother's ire, funny little stuff we did together. She played an audio tape tonight of them before school, so very young, and I burst into tears. I miss them. She says we have the grandchildren, and we do... but I deeply miss those little guys, my little buddies. They are lost to me.
Pets! Too many pets! Five dogs and three cats, and that's just the ones the wife and I have had in our time together, so not the ones when I was a kid. And all the dogs were loving, warm, happy companions, but we never quite looked after them right, and they most seemed to die young - the previous 2 got to 14, and this last one got to 10. She was a real little sweetheart who brought us much joy and companionship, epsecially after our boys moved out within a couple of weeks of one another, leaving an empty nest, but she was there... and now gone. Too many pets, because I remember them all, and every passing hurts. No more pets. All lost to me.
Siblings are distant, because they think I'm a fool for sticking by my wife - it seems loyalty doesn't could for much. And in truth, I do feel like a fool, I don't think it's been worth it. But it hurts they think of me so. Theya re lost to me.
I have to go, I have to move forward, but this weird loyalty thing I have... man, it makes it hard.
Now I see things and I just burst into tears. Example: someone posted on reddit a link to this classic sea shanty:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49FWp7WLYKw
Why? Maybe the communal sharing? Maybe the fact they all knew what they were singing and all built it into something really good? Maybe just good music? Not sure. I mean, I've never really been into sea shanties but this just hit me.
Sometimes characters in movie overcome an obstacle of some kind, and I reach for the tissues. This is *fiction*! What is *wrong* with me?!
So, too many tears. Way too many tears. I might be depressed but I don't think I have depression, because to me it all seems to come from outside.
I'm kinda stuck. I know what I would do if I escaped. But getting my shit together is really tough.
Anyway, that's my rant. Thanks for listening. | 5 |
my name is joseph and i need some help i guess? | i’ll just start it off out of nowhere because that’s what i usually do.
i was bullied in school and i never tell anyone about this because of my bad experiences and stuff, i was bullied so much that i had dreams of ending my life and i had to wake up and talk my self out of it several times, you know those dreams when you’re falling and when you’re just about to hit the ground you wake up, i don’t i always seem to hit the ground, i know what it feels like hitting the ground in your own dream, a big flash and then nothing but black and then it feels like something just got pulled out of my chest, like it was my soul leaving my body without me, it’s sad i know and a little off topic of what i’m trying to say and no these are not the dream i’m referring to and those dreams will not reach a single soul because they are so messed up. anyways i was bullied so much that i had dreams of killing myself and i had to wake up to convince myself not to, it took all i had and then going to school and being made fun of being pushed around and lots of other stuff but the worst in my mind is everyone telling me that i will never find true love and i will die a old and lonely man, i believe this… i tried alot and even girls said that, it hurts me a lot. i had one thing that i ran to because i was hidden and accepted because no one knew the real me, my xbox and i never told my parents my storys because i don’t want to go talk to someone and relive all the bad stuff in my life, i’m just touching the surface by writing this, i am still bullied and really badly, i honestly have no true friends any of them use me for my money or they make fun of me because i’m a easy target. i don’t know what to do anymore and i’m looking for any kind of help, i’m breaking down and have no one at all but myself and hopefully one other person that can read all of this and respond to me, i have no clue what to do anymore and why should i?
i’m lonely and sad and fighting off so many different things that attack me by myself and my parents are always mad at my grades but i give it my all i’m just so tired of everyone and everything in my life.
well this is just the start of a really long story that i will probably never finish and if you want to contact me with a response to my problem i’m making a fake hotmail account so no one knows who i really am. it is
[email protected]
| 1 |
My son died on month ago. | David Gismondi Born June 25, 1985
David Anthony Sandino Gismondi died on Tuesday, January 26, 2016. He was 30 years old. He was a young man. He was my baby. He went away too soon.
David was the youngest son of Jane Gismondi (Biller), Michael Gismondi (Lori- Ann) and Matthew’s younger brother. He was a loving Uncle to Matthew and Emily’s children Adelie, Ewan, and Lachlan, and grandson to his Pat Gismondi, and nephew to his Aunt Susie and Uncle Michael. He has left a legacy to his large family and so many dear, loving friends. In his 30 years, he brought so much joy and love to all who knew him. He was sweet, funny, handsome, creative and he had an infectious zest for life.
His love surrounds us still and will forever.
David was born in Hamilton on June 25, 1985 at McMaster Medical Centre. He lived in Dundas, Ontario until the age of 2, when he moved with his family to Athabasca, Alberta. He grew up there with his many good friends. In Athabasca, he attended LTIS Elementary School and EPC Secondary. At the age of 15, he moved with his mother to Vancouver, BC. There, he attended Kitsilano High School and later Capilano University in North Vancouver, where he honed his artistic talent, directing it toward Fibre Arts in the Textile Arts Program.
I remember so well when he was born. His father and I were enraptured by him. Creed’s, “With Arms Wide Open” was a song we sang together years later, because it’s beautiful and because of it’s meaning.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99j0zLuNhi8
I rocked him in my arms, as I did with Matthew, singing lullabies. “Beautiful Boy”, “I Have You”, and “Forever Young” were favourites. His father and I were young, finishing university, beginning our lives and family. We were not well off financially, but we had everything. We had two beautiful boys. We were as rich as we could be!
I sang this Connie Kaldor song to the boys a million times. It’s called, “I Have you”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZXRkEx5Pno
I have you
Some have furs
And fancy cars
But I have you
I have you
Some have silk and caviar
But I have you
I have you
Some have emeralds set in gold
But they can't sit and rock and hold you
Like I do, like I do, like I do
Some have lace
And diamonds rings
But I have you, I have you
They always have the latest things
But I have you, I have you
Some are always dressed in style
But they can never catch your smile
Like I do, like I do, like I do
Some have homes
On the finest streets
But I have you, I have you
The finest leather on their feet
But I have you, I have you
Some have wine and a castle keep
But they can't watch you drift asleep
Like I do, like I do, like I do
David was beautiful. Inside and out. He was loving, sweet, kind, nurturing, generous and conscientious. He was smart and funny.
I’ve received over 100 letters, emails, messages and texts from friends who knew and loved him. Some tell particular, touching stories and some share anecdotes. Some are more general and sad, but all are bursting with love.
David loved music and he loved to dance. His spirit was gentle and angelic when he danced. You’d think he could fly because he looked like an angel! He was happy when he danced! I know he would very much like if you sang and danced to Bill Bourne’s “Dance and Celebrate”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWAMXxcCnQw
This song has always been very special to him. David loved the song and Bill sang it to Matthew and David in our kitchen once when he performed in Athabasca.
David was an artist. He wrote prolifically, expressing his vivid imagination, his hopes and dreams, his ideas, his love and his life.
He drew and painted. He loved to create new things from “old” or “unwanted” things. He would sew with natural fabrics, and studied the science of them. He grew his own silkworms once! He was a photographer too! He captured the world around him through his eye and the lens of the camera. He took pictures of what many would call “small” or unimportant things. He captured a world few of us see. He saw beauty in everything. He looked up and down - not just straight ahead. He knew that the secrets of this world were above us, below us, on a lamp post or down a gritty alley. All of his world looked beautiful when translated through the camera and developed in his heart. He created felted clothing and objects, too: bowls, lamp shades, and other artistic pieces. He worked in his studio, his favourite place to relax and be at peace, and just create!
About ten years ago he told us he was using meth. This was both startling and terrifying. Our lives immediately became dedicated to studying crystal meth and “healing” or “curing” him. We found that meth was worse than most other drugs. It did serious and often permanent damage to the brain. Meth depleted huge percentages of the brain’s dopamine. Without the dopamine, users would get both depressed and anxious, so were driven to use more. This was a cycle of relapse enclosed in a blanket of addiction.
The damage that meth does to a brain is nearly impossible to repair. Despite seeing about how treatments failed more often than not. It wasn’t due to one’s desire or willingness to quit, but rather to an impossibility of the new chemical and physical state of the brain. Meth also reduces the number of neurotransmitters in the brain, causing diminished levels of serotonin and it permanently destroys the dopamine terminals. This is why, despite seeing doctors, therapists, attending “day-tox” and seeing drug counsellors, that he could not get well. It felt, at times, as if we were making headway, but it was an illusion. It was a roller-coaster ride of addiction...of relapse and recovery. Looking back, it’s easy to see why no outside help could help him, fix him, heal him - or give him his mind or his life back. All of this is just part of why counselling and “talk” therapy can do very little to “fix” or heal such an addiction to such a potent drug. And if anything could help repair the brain damage, it would take years. And even then, the odds weren’t good.
David had a host of medical and psychological problems too. Some related to the drug use and some not. He had a long row to hoe.
Depressing? Yes. He wanted to be happy. To get his life back. But the road was much more steep than we knew. Despite the fact that he hadn’t used Meth for many years, healing was a near impossibility as the damage was done. David knew that.
We did all we could to help him heal. To get his life back. His addiction became our addiction. I would see him daily, always worried about something I couldn’t quite name, but it was real. David tried, too. To free himself from his living hell. But he couldn’t climb out. It was as if the walls of the jail surrounding him were greased and he just couldn’t climb out! If he managed to get up a little, he would slide back down. If love could cure him, he’d have been “King of the world”, happy and healthy, and doing whatever brought him joy!! The love and efforts of his family were not and could never be enough to heal him.
Retrospect is a horrible thing. I berate myself for failing him. I feel like I did everything wrong. Looking back I think of a million things I should have done. Could have done. Should I have been more angry and less understanding? Did I see him too much? Too little? Did I help him too much? Too little? Did I support him too much or not enough? Did his father’s and my divorce cause this? Should I have taken him and moved out of the city? Did I love or protect him too much? Should I have let him fall? I wonder these things, and many more. Questions like this run through my mind over and over and over. I don’t know the answers to any of these questions. I’m no expert.
We were best friends, David and I. We laughed. We saw each other daily. We’d talk or sing or watch a movie. We’d eat or walk. And we’d hug. We hugged lots. We’d reminisce. We’d spend hours in stationary stores and art stores looking for just the right vermillion red paint or a pen with just the right nib. Things for a project he imagined. We would look through vintage stores for leather ties and things to re-use. Things no longer loved. David would love them, re-create them, and this brought him joy. We’d order pizza and chocolate lava cakes. We would have huge bowls of pho at the Vietnamese place he loved and talk and talk and talk. Then it felt like we were “talking” all the time about his life and his healing. It felt like we were “getting it”, like we were getting “there.” It felt as if we were solving his problems. It felt like we had the answers and things could and would change. It felt like hope. And then the sun would come up again and we would be right back in the same terrifying dark place where he couldn’t see his way out.
Just another kind of roller coaster.
David’s story of drug use and his death is not unique. His story is the story of thousands of families just like ours. David and I met many other families with the same problems at meetings in too-cold or too-hot, grimy rooms in church basements or community halls. NarAnon, Understanding Addiction, Support Networks and Advocacy groups. We went to meetings together and separately. We heard David’s story over and over again. Too many families lose sweet, loved children every day. But there we sat, listening acutely for words of hope, sure that they were in that room somewhere. We would the same sad stories over and over. And occasionally we would hear a positive story. A story of of healing.
It gave us hope, but wasn't our reality.
We could not “heal” you. We could not help you...not enough. We couldn’t get you off the path that led to hell. I tried my best every single day.
I wanted nothing more.
I felt it was my fault. But there are things that event strongest love cannot do. When I first saw you and held you, and listened to your little cry, I promised you that I was responsible for you and would never let anything harm to you. Now, I feel that I failed you.
It’s too late for David. It’s too late for our family.
David was so loved. But love cannot save an addict. Love, for an addict does little more than a bandaid, covering the problem.
David made some poor choices. His choices were shaped by drugs. They led to his death.
Now every day has a hole in it. A hole where David’s big heart used to beat. A hole where David was. I miss him every minute of every day. We all do. I see him: his life, his promise. In every mother and baby on the street. In every group of young boys who are just “hanging out." In every addict on the street. I see him everywhere. I see myself in every other parent in my Bereavement Groups.
David lives in my heart and soul now.
I miss him every day. Every hour. Every minute.
Life will never be the same. Not ever.
When the phone rings, it won’t be him.
When I get a text, it won’t be him saying, “I love you”.
He isn’t coming back, though I beg him to. Nothing will ever be the same.
There are no words to express this pain, this loss, this emptiness.
None are right. None are enough. No words can sum up the magnificence that was David. We were given the greatest of gifts in our precious, incredible, sweet, amazing, loving, generous, adorable, caring David. We were lucky and honoured to live with and love him for 30 years. We are lucky to have had millions of hugs, kisses and laughs and “I love you"s. We talked for thousands of hours.
We had 10,958 days of joy with David...
I re-live every day we had together. I remember everything he loved. He loved the moon. He loved the ocean. He was a lover.
A beautiful light has gone out.
I’m telling you this so that our loss of sweet David can be a lesson for you and the addict that you love. So that you, too, don’t lose your sweet child, and so that they don’t lose their life.
In my heart, David will stay “Forever Young”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGEe_zpddNI
May the good Lord be with you
Down every road you roam
And may sunshine and happiness surround you when you’re far from home
And may you grow to be proud
Dignified and true
And do unto others
As you’d have done to you
Be courageous and be brave
And in my heart you’ll always stay
Forever young, Forever young
Forever young, Forever young
May good fortune be with you
May your guiding light be strong
Build a stairway to heaven
With a prince or a vagabond
And my you never love in vain
And in my heart you will remain
Forever young, Forever young
Forever young, Forever young
And when you finally fly away
I’ll be hoping that I served you well
For all the wisdom of a lifetime
No one can ever tell
But whatever road you choose
I’m right behind you, win or lose
Forever young, Forever young
Forever young, forever young
(R. Stewart)
We love David. We loved David, and we will love him always and forever. We will honour him every day. And we are sad, and will be sad forever.
The sky cries for you. So do I. Every day is hard. None will ever be easy without you. You hated to see me sad or worrying. So I’m trying now, in every way I can, to smile and remember the joy and laughter and hugs and kisses and the songs we sang together and all the love we shared. I remember I could hear your heart beating when we hugged. My ear sat right on your heart. I felt it vibrate through my whole body.
I wonder if you’re ok now. I hope you’re not lonely. I wonder if you’re happy now. I wonder where you are. I wonder if your Spirit is now free from the trap of addiction.
We loved each other as much as is humanly possible...and for years I felt your pain through your smiles and the sweet vibration of your hugs.
“Goodnight Sweet Prince. May bands of angels sing thee to thy rest.”
Shakespeare
Lullaby (Goodnight My Angel) Billy Joel
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcnd55tLCv8
Goodnight my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you’ve been asking me
I think I know what I’ve been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I’ll never be far away
Goodnight my angel
Now it’s time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we were sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I’m rocking you to sleep
The water’s dark
And deep inside this ancient heart
You’ll always be a part of me
Goodnight my angel
Now it’s time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And sing this lullaby
Then in your heart there will always be part of me
Someday we’ll all be gone
But lullabies go on and on...
They never die
That’s how you and I will be
—————————————————————————————
—————————————————————————————
We’re lost without you David. We love you for always.
—————————————————————————————
—————————————————————————————
David has been cremated. A celebration of his beautiful life will occur at a later date.
| 11 |
It's sad because | This is my vent. My anger, sadness, and loneliness. It started when I was in middle school, I went to a new school which i only knew one person. There I got picked on for reasons I font know, I was the center of all the jokes. 7th and 8th grade I spent at a new school where yet again I felt left out. I had friends and groups but I was always just that kid tagging along. My best friend, or at least who I thought was my best friend, haven't talked other than playing phone tag for the last 3 years. That's a side note. I went to high school where again I had a friend group but in this on I was the butt of all the jokes and they talked behind my back, I knew all of this. But I had nothing better so I pushed my emotions deep down and took it. More recently I got a gf in senior year. My second gf, the first one lasted a month and she cheated on me.. This girl was like nothing I had ever thought of. She ended up being my best friend and we dated for 15 months. But it wasn't all good, she had a serious drug problem under the surface and I got wrapped up in it too. But she was the girl I loved and my only friend so I stuck with her because I had nothing else. I had wanted to break up with her because I hated what we did together but she was all I had. More recently we broke up 8 days before V day. We broke up because she had anxiety when we dated and couldn't take it anymore. Since we broke up I realized I had nothing. I'm sitting at home and it's only been a week yet she is at a guys house rn on v day. Like holy fuck I can't even begin to comprehend this. So yet again I'm sad, lonely and angry with no one. Ive tried hanging out with new people since but I don't feel anything. I lay in my bed unable to sleep. My job is going nowhere. I have no one I real life to talk to so I'm writing this on reddit and I don't even know why. I've looked at articles and posts and all this content on how to make friends, how to be happy, but in the end I'm not going to do any of that. I have nothing left in my life except for my family, and they are great. But there just not enough, I just feel like I've finally just been through enough. I hate just feeling like this, I've felt sadness for the last 9 years of my life, and I'm only 19. And I hate getting the you're so young it'll get better, like I've been waiting for a long time and it still hasn't why would it now... I really wish I just never existed, would have been a lot easier. | 2 |
I have no life. | I am a guy in my late twenties and I have no idea what I'm going to do in life. I have no direction as such. Despite being decently intelligent, I have led a disastrous string of failures which has basically cemented my future into the dark ages. It feels like life started going downhill even before it reached the peak. I never had a life. I have no friends and any relationships other than my own family. I have a strange problem with maintaining relationships with people. It's a strange psychological issue. I have tried my hands on this or that, but I get too discouraged to follow through. I have memories that I wish I didn't have and I spend my days fighting with these shadows in my head. People hated on me and now I am mentally fucked because I can't change the past and I can't forget it either. | 6 |
When i was 10 i killed a puppy and i want to make up for it | I remember when i was 10 i accently killed a 1 week old puppy i steped on her idk why but i didn't mean to kill her she was crying internal bleeding shaking when i carried her my family thinks she got hit by the droor because i didn't tell them what happened i was scared shocked i can believe what i DID i cry for her when i think of her it my fault i wish to die the same way as her i still this day didn't tell because i don't people to jude me i feel guilty and something that wont happened again | 5 |
I lost my dad today. | I lost my dad today. I've been really sad . My family tells me to be strong but that is impossible. My dad was born in 1948 he was the strongest smartest man I know. He was in the military, he faught in Vietnam. That is were he got agent orange and it started to slowly kill him. 20 years ago he had a heart attack. This had progressed so much that today he took his last breath. We were all so happy getting the kids ready to go when we looked over and saw that he wasn't breathing anymore lying in that bed. He was not like that a week ago. He was able to speak and laugh and walk and eat but after the last hospital visit he no longer could. I wish I could remember his voice it's been so long since I've heard it. I love that man more than anything!! I wanted to get this off my chest as we are not allowed to post on Facebook right now. But I needed to say it somewhere. I'm sorry for the sadness. I just ask one thing. When you go about your day remember my story. Treat the ones around you with kindness and generosity as my dad showed me. Love everyone in your life unconditionally cause you never know when it will be the end. Good night everyone. And if you decide to post this please remove my name. We want to be private for now. Thank you | 8 |
Utter Sadness | Cyber Monday brought me a great deal on an xbox one and fifa 16. UPS said "before or on DEC 7th". Today is December 7th and did not get it. I'm pretty sad. | 2 |
Knots in my stomach | Was texting crush. Was nothing special, just small talk before we went to bed. She asks what I did today. I tell her, nothing much, just work and making bread for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I return question. She mentions date. I ask with whom. She responds with name of guy she likes. Guy is, surprise, not me. I congratulate her because she is happy and this makes me happy. She goes to bed. I cannot.
Reading stories on TFTS doesn't help. Watching a funny guy with Tourette's doesn't help. Playing video games does fuck all. I can't sleep. My stomach is in knots because I don't know this guy she likes but I ever the feeling she's gonna get dumped hard. I don't want to see that happen to her. I want to fill that place.
Then I step bad and think: why am I here? I don't do anything useful. I work in a fucking coffee shop for minimum wage. I don't change anyone's life. I think about ways to change my life, give it meaning. I've only found one so far: Army. When they ask why, I'll tell them because it's the honorable and right thing to do, to defend my country. I love my country, but let's face it I'm not going over there for that. I'm going over there to get shot at. Maybe I won't come back. Maybe only half of me will come back. Maybe my body come back but inside I will be an empty shell, no care, no happiness, no emotions except fear. No reason to speak, only noise I'll make will be the screaming as I wake up in the middle of the night remembering what I've done.
Is this what I want? No. Is it what I deserve? Yes. I have resigned my life, but I believe that suicide is a pointless thing. Why waste everyone's time? My funeral costs money that my parents don't have. I've never had a girlfriend, so she can't help with the cost. Why put them through the pain of wondering what they did wrong? Instead, I'll resign my life to being a soldier. I will follow orders. If I die, the Army will pay for my funeral and people will think I gave my life to my country. The perfect out. With purpose.
This is the way it is. This is what I feel every time she mentions him. Why? | 5 |
What had this world become. | People are born; some select few are given talents, gifts and skills. When a human being discovers their skill it can be used to help them prosper in life, they can feed there family, donate to chairity, make money and genuinley help out society. But these days I see people abusing there talents for disgusting purposes eg: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chpE6TmfMMs I myself am in the rap game, and this person has actual talent for rapping, the fact that she can write rhymes and flow with the beat so well is truly amazing, its not something everybody can do. Yet she uses it to obsess over a childrens cartoon like a fucking pedophile,I would have even been ok with her using it fore selfish souless purposes, atleast shes not using them for a truly disgusting reason like this. Sorry if this doesn't make much sense I just had to vent about this
TL;DR People abuse their talents, please tell me what you think of this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chpE6TmfMMs I find it very sad. | 0 |
Ugh help | God, it was loneliness and emptiness at first. Now it is deep sadness. These feelings won't go away. I'm scared to death, and I don't know what to do. My stomach hurts, I think I'm gonna be sick. I keep trying to cry to get rid of it but I can't. Tell me what to do. | 1 |
More | Don't know how to link yet. But now my wife has a boyfriend. Living in my house. She calls him that. Tells me he's not my replacement. He's got a day job. Can be at home at the same time as her and fixed all the things I'd been putting off. Says he sleeps on the couch. She couldn't even wait for the divorce to finalise. | 1 |
Divorcing (long) | I'm currently in the middle of a divorce with my wife of nearly 3 years. Shortly after marriage, there was decline in sex. I was watching pornography. Our conflicting schedules didn't help any, and for a long time I resorted to this and tried to hide it. Thing's were pretty good for a while. After we decided to get pregnant, I wound up in an online affair with an old acquaintance across the country. She found out a few weeks after giving birth. Tool it very badly. Tool off out of state to her parents. She was gone for 2 weeks. I tried to hide the worst of the details from her. But she found out more and more through digging into everything of mine, and interrogating me. I did smoking from her. Bought about what I would to fill a gas tank and a pack of smokes. I eventually told her how I was doing it, and never heard the end of it. In her own retaliation and need for someone to accept her and make her feel pretty, she did her own online thing. Then, she met with a guy from her class. Then, she had an almost thing with an ex of hers. I recently found out, while she was pregnant, she had been telling family members that if things didn't work out with me, she had a guy that would take her back in a heartbeat and care for her. After a while she became violent. At the worst point, she kicked me in the ribs after yelling at me until I broke down. Even started a physical altercation in front of our daughter once. I told her I didn't want to come home. She told me not to. After a few days she did she needed space. Not to talk to her unless she started a conversation. It was tough, but I managed. I still asked about her day and things every now and then. I'm the end, she was trying to get me to talk to her. Show her I wanted her by going against what she asked. I wasn't allowed to come home. She changed the locks, ignores me almost completely, and now she has another guy living with her. She's completely moved on, and we're not actually divorced yet. I've always loved her, I still feel a lot for her even after all of this. It destroyed me to be at our daughters first birthday. I was a stranger in my own house. Ignored by all her friends. She just hovered around her boyfriend the whole time. It pains me and its all that I can think about. How our marriage seems to have meant so little to her in the end. I even miss being with her and wish she would just talk to me. I just want to cry. | 1 |
No energy for happiness? | I'm pretty well off for my age (young). I've gone through a few things and learned quite a bit, some things that most people don't get until much later in their years. Right now it all has me feeling like a giant shit, though. Just the general feeling of being alone.
But that's just it. I live with people that love me. The friend I do have cares about me. And those relationships I went through, I have an incorrect perspective of, because somehow my brain is so much more accepting of sadness and pain, as if it'll take anything as long as it's strong and invokes intense feelings (no matter what it is). It's as if I like to cry and be sad. Anyways, my point is that I'm supplied with decent resources, but I somehow make myself feel alone, distraught, down like I've given up.
I don't talk with my parents, because I know that the words they will say are not what I want to hear. Why? Because I already know what I "should do" to feel better. I know I shouldn't "react" and let things affect me. I know I'm in control. But no matter what anyone says to me I do nothing to fix it. Why do I do this? That I honestly don't understand. Why am I so dependent on other people for my own happiness? I distract myself from my own self with my friend/other people to become happy. At the same time, all I ever think about is myself. I'm a selfish shitty person that only ever does things for personal benefit (with things that have higher consequences).
I often think about telling everyone I see in daily life that I'm going somewhere else, see ya later bud. Then going to a certain place I have keys to, climbing down into the moldy pit, covering the opening, and dying down there. No one will suspect it, I could be down there for a long time even after it's apparent I'm gone. That would be so easy.
I'm just a bother to everyone I know, a burden, annoyance, difficulty, a task, a problem, extra weight. Disappointment. What I'm doing with my life has no benefit for the planet. I'm literally living to be happy, another strain on earth that doesn't deserve life.
I just don't like who I am, especially because I know that about myself yet I don't change it. I don't like being in pain but I put myself in it. That's beyond stupidity.
I hate how I act different towards other people to make sure they don't think I'm really boring/someone to avoid, but no one would be interested in me if I act how I feel. And love, friendship, connections relationships they're all really important to me. I want other people to be happy, I feel selfish for feeling depressed when I see other people with legitimately difficult lives, much larger issues bringing them down.
I'm sick of putting myself in places trying to help/be a part of something, as I add nothing, no one cares, I am forgotten. Well, the person you forget is me. That's fucking me. That is who I am. If that's what I get for being me, I don't want to be anything anymore, because that's what it feels like already. I'm not worth anything, why do I have such a privileged life? I'm screwing it up. You know how you'd rather stop the car rather than try to save that crazy sick ass drift turn next to a cliff? Well I'd rather jump off that cliff than let this life grow further sour because of me not doing shit to fix it. I don't want to commit suicide, but I don't want to live. I'm fucking up a gift of a life, all I can pay attention to is how I feel. Disregard all of this blabber if you even got this far. It doesn't matter. I'll just stop feeling. I turn it all into pain, I don't want to feel anymore it's not worth it. Every time I think I find love I'm stabbed in the back and left to bleed out in the rain, and it only happens because I'm too gullible and naive to get out of the way before I'm weighted down too much.
I'm surrounded by people that care, but I convince myself they don't care. Making loneliness a self fulfilled prophecy. | 4 |
My last words to this world . | Hi my name is Salvador Palafox . I am currently living in menifee California and I am writing this because between now and 1 years I will not be alive anymore , I am not fit for this world, I am weak , I am slow , dumb, I am bad and I am pain to everyone , I don't mean to come on to strong , but i am going through so much emotions , I have lost the most important thing to me in this word , Bethany Wilson, my wife , my girlfriend , my bestfriend , I have ruined what we were and could have been , I ruined our relationship , we were almost going on to three years , not anymore , I have ruined my whole life , my whole career , my whole well being , my soul, I am ruined . I am only 19 going on 20 but I feel old I feel done . I have not done anything good for this world , I have caused pain , this world needs people like me only to learn from mistakes and I am the mistake . Idk when but soon I am going to drive off somewhere and shoot myself . If anybody sees this . I love you mom and dad , thank you for raising me , this is NOT YOUR FAULT!! This is mine . Thank you for being so loving and so caring , don't miss me this is what i know I have to do this will bring good . Alex and nina I love you guys I know I didn't really say it but I love you both so much, Alexis dude you're my brother I'm so proud to see you growing up to become someone so well and educated ! I'm proud of you bro ! I wish I could have been next to you but I fell off gee I ruined my chance . MY WHOLE FAMILY I LOVE YOU ALL , Bethany Denise wilson I love you so much so so much don't ever forget that I do . Through wtvr I have done I love you to death , and I'll take this love with me to my last moments , don't forget the man I was before I ruined myself , I love you so much so so much <33 12.16.12 well this is bye , I love you all <3 | 2 |
I'm not empty, I'm full... full of pain. | So people say, "why do you feel so empty?"
And I don't wanna say anything so I don't.
But I don't feel empty. No one kills themselves because they feel empty. No one kills themselves because they feel dead. They kill themselves because they feel so much pain that they know that they're alive. They feel so much pain that they're desperate enough to want to kill it. I'm not empty. I'm full of pain. | 2 |
I get very sad thinking about how my life could have been different if I had been shown some affection and support as a child ... | Throwaway - I have lots of shame about life, you know ...
My parents divorced when I was 6 - my father remarried the day after the divorce was final to a woman with 3 sons of her own. My father disappeared emotionally then, pretty much.
My mother struggled to raise 4 children (aged 1 - 11) on her own with an ex who would not pay child support. She was always stressed, always working, struggling to get by in a time when divorce was a shame (1970s Kentucky). She loved her Dolls and always had a boyfriend (she was, honestly, the most beautiful woman in town). She was overwhelmed emotionally though and was in and out of psych wards.
So ... my father had visitation every other weekend, but we actually only saw him maybe 4 times / year, even though he lived only 45 minutes away (and I later discovered that he was in my town every other weekend anyway visiting his parents and my stepmother's parents - he just didn't want to see us ...)
When I did get to see my father, I was overjoyed - I was the only boy in a household of women, and I remembered my dad from my childhood as being really fun, although a bit violent sometimes.
One Thanksgiving, my sister's and I were with my father and stepmother and her kids for the holiday. I was having loads of fun - three stepbrothers to play with, got to hang out with my dad, my stepmother seemed to favor me (I later discovered that it was because she was/is a narcissist and believed all males found her alluring ...) Anyway, I did not want to go home - I wanted to stay longer. But, my father had to bring us home Sunday afternoon.
When we got home, my youngest sister ran into the house and told my mother that I wanted to stay at my dad's house longer. My mother flipped and literally threw all of my belongings out of my upstairs bedroom window. It faced the street, so it was a very public outburst. Suddenly, I was living with my father. Mistake. HUGE mistake.
My stepmother quickly saw me as a threat to her own children, so I became public enemy number 1. Both she and my father became right-wing, pentecostal religious nuts - they take the bible LITERALLY. She suddenly was blessed with the "Gift of Discernment" (a biblically-sanctioned mind reader) and she discovered that all I thought about was how I wanted to fuck her (yes, she was/is a narcissistic nymphomaniac who showed me her tits the first time I met her, when I was six years old). Of course, beatings ensued - and my father was a physically violent man. I could be sitting at the dinner table and he would punch me in the face because my stepmother accused me of wanting to poison her or fuck her or whatever (and because of those constant punches in the left jaw, I have multiple dental issues ...)
They became convinced that I was demon possessed. There was the time that they decapitated my pet pigeon George, because he was exerting a demonic influence over me. Of course, there was the church anointing me with oils, shouting prayers to cast the demons out of me (pentecostal exorcism). My appearance was mocked daily, and I was even mocked for doing well in school (apparently I only did it to make my stepbrothers look bad ...)
I could go on and on and on here with a litany of just really sad examples of my life. Just ... heartbreaking, really. A kid just shouldn't have to go through life feeling so unwanted and so unlovable. The effects last forever.
I am convinced that the only reason my husband is with me is because of finances and nothing more. I refuse to swim or be shirtless, out of body shame. I refuse to be photographed, and I will destroy any photograph that I find of myself (including all of my childhood photos). I cannot believe that anyone could truly like me, so I am very lonely. And of course, I trust no one. On the plus side, I learned to empty my mind of all thoughts when I was ~10 years old, when the mind reading began - this was the only way I could convince myself that I was not insane, that I knew I could not have been thinking those thoughts because I forced my mind to be blank at all times. Some call it mindfulness. I call it survival.
I can't help but wonder what my life would have been like if I had been raised in a more supportive environment, where I was taught to be confident, where I could trust others around me, where I could feel okay just being myself. Where would I be now? Would I have the overwhelming anxiety, the overwhelming loneliness, the overwhelming sadness? I've felt these things daily for almost the last 40 years - what would it be like to NOT feel these things?
I don't know that I will never not feel this sadness - and that just compounds it.
I'm rambling - sorry.
| 1 |
That emptiness you feel when you hurt the ones that love you. | I was lucky enough to find that friend that you can tell anything, and they're always there for you.
This page is written about me, from her, reminding us that some things are [Forgiven, but never forgotten]( http://storywrite.com/story/12212161-Forgiven-But-Not-Forgotten-by-LadyBlade) | 2 |
this honestly isnt worth your time | today i found out that ive been formally diagnosed with depression
ive suspected ive been depressed for a while but to be formally diagnosed hurts so fucking bad
i wish i had a healthier way to express myself but here i am on the fucking internet talking to you
i feel so alone my life is fine but i feel horrible
i hope i feel ok i hope i feel ok i hope i feel ok | 3 |
The Darkness | Some people take their everyday lives for granted. We get mad at the people we love and walk out without saying goodbye. Only darkness comes from that. I should know. That's what I have to deal with now.
Me and Katie have been best friends for years. We would tell each other everything, no matter what it was or how mad one of us would get. Katie got caught up in drugs, alcohol, and sex. She would come to me the next day crying about how she didn't know where she was and how scared she was. I would hold her and tell her that it was okay- knowing in the back of my mind I just wanted to shake her and tell her she needed to stop what she was doing to herself. i would do anything for Katie, no matter what it was, I was there for her. I tried to be the best friend everyone wanted. But that all changed.
About two weeks ago, Katie started acting really weird. She wouldn't text me, answer my calls, and when she did she acted like she didn't want to talk to me. I was frustrated and devistated at the same time. Was I losing my best friend ?? I wasn't sure, so one night me and a few of my friends went to my other friends birthday party. It was about 9:15 when we arrived at her house. At around 9:30 there was about 25 people there and we were all drining, swimming, and having a good time- well everyone but Katie. She was just sitting by the gate watching everyone. I saw she was unhappy so I offered her a drink. She imedentally turned me down. Now this wasn't usual for Katie. Usually she was the one who would be the life of the party. Her and Alex went inside to talk and I followed to make sure she was okay. At this time I was too drunk to speak but not drunk enough to know what was going on.
I asked Katie if she was okay, and she quickly told me "YES, me and Alex need to talk... ALONE!!" Well me being me, I thought I did something wrong and at this point my night was ruined because I thought I had upset my best friend. Around 10:45 I just wanted to go home and forget the night ever happened. I was too drunk to have fun anyways. The drive home that night was awful. All I could think about is how mad Katie was at me and how she was trying to ignore me.
The next morning I called Katie and confronted her about the night before. She stopped me and told me that she didn't drink any more and she didn't want to be around me when I was drinking. I knew something was wrong but she wouldn't tell me. She kept saying that she didn't want to talk to me about it. Katie was my best friend and she knew she could tell me anything and I would do anything I could to help, even if that meant I had to stop drinking. Me being me, I got upset at Katie and told her that she has changed and she was distancing herself from me. She got upset and hung up on me. I was frustrated and angry. So I went to my friend Jamie's house and started drinking and taking pills. I knew it wasn't right but I knew I had to calm down.
At about 11:30 p.m. I had taken over 21 pills and drank a case of beer. I kept telling Jamie that I needed to go to Katie's house and apologize to her for getting upset. Jamie kept telling me that I wasn't okay to drive but me being me, I didn't listen. I remember getting in the car and thinking that she was going to be so mad at me. But I need to tell her that I was truly sorry. I couldn't focus on my driving because I just wanted to be at Katie's house. I didn't realize that I was going 75 miles per hour with no seat belt on, swerving all over the road. Jamie kept telling me to slow down, put my seat belt on, and calm down. Me being me, I didn't listen.
Now Katie lived right off the highway. I remember seeing her smoking a cigarette at the end of her driveway and I got very nervous. I looked in my rear view mirror because I saw flashing lights. And when I looked back at the road, an 18 wheeler had hit me. I remember feeling my body get thrown out of the windshield. I remember the sound of screeching tires, sirens, and breaking glass. My body was launched 32 feet from the car. I had landed one driveway away from where Katie was standing. I remember Katie screaming my name and running over and holding me. She was crying. I remember tell her that I was so sorry for yelling at her. She kept saying that it was okay and that everything was okay. Tears started running down my face and I told her that I was scared. She told me she was too. She told me that I was going to be okay. I remember looking at her face, I knew by the way she looked at me that I wasn't okay. She told me that she was sorry, but me being me, I kept saying it was my fault she was mad and staying away from me. She started crying even more. She told me that being away from me was the last thing she was trying to do. I was getting cold at this point. I asked her why she kept ignoring me and why she stopped drinking. She looked me in the eyes and told me that she had stage 4 cancer. My heart dropped. I started to cry and tell her I was sorry. She kept telling me that she didn't want me to know because it would tear me apart. I asked Katie to hold me and not to let me go. She told me she would never let me go.
When the paramedics arrived they put me on a stretcher and took me to the hospital. On the ride there, Katie was holding my hand crying. I was scared because I kept blacking out. And when I did all I saw was the darkness. I knew it was coming. I was going to be alone too. I couldn't stop it this time, this was my fault. I looked Katie in the eyes and told her I was sorry and to tell my mom and dad that I loved them and that it was my fault. She started yell "NO." She told me that it was okay, that I was going to be fine. But I knew this time I wasn't. The darkness grew longer and colder. I could hear the paramedic saying "her heart rate is dropping, fast." I remember hearing Katie cry and yell for God to let me live. But I had messed up this time. My body was numb now. I couldn't hear anything, I couldn't see, and I could breath. It was over for me. At 12:02 I was pronounced dead along with Jamie who died at 11:49 because the impact snapped her neck.
I couldn't fix what I had done this time. This was my fault. There is darkness everywhere and now I'm alone. My life was over at that point. Katie couldn't tell me her secrets anymore. My dad couldn't walk his daughter down the aisle. And my mom couldn't see her daughters grandchild be born because I had truly mess up. I took my life for granted and now it's over. I didn't want to be alone but it wasn't my choice this time. I couldn't fix it this time. | 2 |
I feel as if im a secondary friend | As the title says, i feel like a secondary friend. Like, not necessarily a last resort, but damn close. Im always there to listen to my friends, but only after they have gone through a couple first to get to me. Then when i need to vent, poof, there they go. Even the person i would consider my best friend, i feel this towards. Am i just insane? Or is this justified. I dont know how to feel, but its getting me quite sad and angry at them, at me, just at everything. | 8 |
why do i feel like this | i keep blaming love as the reason for my sadness. Lack of love, to be specific. And i feel like i am just a stupid teforby doing that, but i can't find the real reason why i am always sad. Why should be love? Just becahse i'm sensitive? I feel so week just by saying that. It doesn't make any sense at all. and it's always the same reason: oh that boy, oh love, oh sad songs... it is instinctive, i don't even have to think about it, and the 'answer' is right there: love. And the worst part? I am aware that this thought is ridiculous, but i can't do anything to change it. I just want to know the real reason why i'm always sad. I don't want to feel week anymore...
Ps: i can not really express myself propperly, so if this doesnt make sense at all just ignore it. | 6 |
My sad story | Last summer I fell in love with the prettiest girl I've ever seen, we were friends, and it kept on like this for a year before I dared tell her about it.
In hindsight, this is a REALLY bad idea, but it had gone a fucking year, so I told her.
She tried to be nice, but ignored me for the next 2 weeks, until I more or less forced her to meet me. She is bad with emotions, she already told me this. We meet at a crowded cafe, to make it less awkward for her. So we talked for a few hours, about my feelings about her, then a little about us, and then about everything! She eventually had to leave, and we hugged (this was a big thing, because this was our first hug.)
I talked to our common friends, who at the time, were genuine friendly with me, about what we talked about. She told me, that she didn't know what she felt, but that she would like some more time to think about it, which is fair!
A few days later she sends me an angry text about how she believes I've told our friends that she wanted to date me and stuff, (I still don't know where this came from) and then tells me she have no feelings for me, nor will she ever have any for me.
I'm in ruins for the next few weeks, I try to mend things back to being friends, and for a while it seemed to work, but then suddenly she wants nothing at all to do with me.
Now its been a few Months since then, my feelings are still there, and her attitude is still there. We meet every now and then at social gatherings, and it really breaks my heart, that she always treats me like that. | 3 |
The Start to the End | I was headed to a party with some of my friends. The plan is that they would drink and I would drive them home. When we arrived at the party, you could see lights and hear music playing really loud. It looked like so much fun, but I had to be the responsible one and not drink. As I sat at the table drinking water, a guy threw a lamp at the wall and walked out. I could tell he was drunk because he was falling over and couldn't speak correctly.
We were there for about thirty minutes when a fight broke out in the yard and the cops were called. We had left before they got there. On our way home, a man in a lifted truck was coming over the hill straight at my car. Little did I know this was the start to the end. He was going about 70mph and hit us head on. All I remember is seeing my friends laying in the road and the man in the front of my hood bleeding out. It got dark, I couldn't see anything. I remember hearing a paramedic yelling out to the officer "we need backup, call the helicopter." When I came to, I was in a hospital bed surrounded by three doctors telling me to "stay awake" and "don't fall asleep." The next morning my mom and sister were sitting on the cough waiting for me to wake up. My mom started crying and came to hug me, but I wanted to know what happened to my friends. As she explained what happened, she told me that I was the only one wearing my seat belt, therefore, the only survivor. I didn't know what to do. I was in shock that my best friends were dead.
The man who had hit me was the same guy that threw the lamp at the party. He had forgot his jacket and was headed back to get it, but hit my head on. It was about three weeks before I was released from the hospital and went home. Little did I know that this was the start to the end. when I got home I had noticed a car following us, but I didn't think to much of it. When the night came, I heard a noise from my window and there were two men standing there. I tried to scream but they put a rag over my mouth and I woke up in a dark room, tied to a chair.
One of the men told me it was my fault his brother had died and that I was going to pay from what I did. It didn't register in my head what he was talking about at first, but then, it came to me, he was talking about the wreck. I tried to tell him that I didn't do anything wrong and that his brother had hit me. I guess he didn't want to hear this cause he told me that I was going to pay for it all. The second guy had pocked a needle into my arm and injected me with what looked like a blue liquid. My body went numb, I couldn't speak or move. They took me out back to a pile of boxes and sat me in the middle of them. They poured gasoline on and around me and lit a match. As I was engulfed in flames, I wanted to scream and get away but I couldn't. I was burning alive and couldn't do anything to stop it. So many thoughts ran through my head. I thought about how I wish it would have been me and not my friends or the guy. How I wish I could have told them goodbye, how I wanted to at least say goodbye to my mom one last time. As I sat there burning, I knew that this what the end and I couldn't do anything to stop it.
I thought about how I could have told them not to go. To just come to my house and watch movies. I could have stopped this but I didn't. Now I'm being burned alive because the guys brother hit me and killed everyone but me. My breath got shorter and the burning stopped and it was cold. This is the end of my life, goodbye. | 2 |
This outlook, this bleakness, it's infectious | There was once a man who met a woman and he desired her. She desired him too, but it was not a good time for him to be involved with this sort of thing.
Reason and prudence never were quite enough to stop the man from being stupid, nor was foresight, so the man and the woman got together and for a while it made them happy.
Problems caught up to the man as they do and he was forced to choose to hurt someone else to make things right. He was not a strong man, he delayed his choice and made things worse and then handled it badly but eventually he made things right.
This was not the end of the problems for the man and the woman though, for they'd both been living on borrowed time. She would have to leave unless the man did something. He desired the woman, and in time had forged a strong bond with her and did not want to see her go, but all the same the next step was scary for him, it was a step that seemed to come very soon.
The woman understood his concerns and told him it was okay, but that if he could not do what he needed to, she would rather end their relationship now before she left, so it would not hurt so much. The man was not a strong man, though he'd been trying and he fought to continue their bond in spite of its imposed time limit. The woman was not convinced, over time she grew more and more upset and again insisted it should be ended.
Years later, the man and the woman live together. With personal sacrifice, It hadn't been necessary to separate. However now that the man lives with the woman and has done for some time he has realised things he'd wished there'd been time to find out in a more natural progression.
It seems the man and the woman held very different outlooks on life. The man had noticed this right from the start but enjoyed the difference he saw in her. Unfortunately he hadn't realised the differences were so fundamental nor that they were so pervasive in everyday life. He noticed how quick to temper and racked by stress the woman seemed to be but he noted that they were each living in stressful times at present. As months even years went by he realised that she could find sources of stress in all manner of things and especially *him*. He noticed she resolved conflicts very differently to him. He was acutely aware also that while he could become angered when in conflict with the woman he had always thought that caution should be undertaken not to let anger boil over and let things be said that couldn't be retracted or to let feelings be hurt in ways that stung after the initial dispute had faded. It seemed the woman had no such compunction or rather had precisely the opposite mindset. It seems she had deduced early in life that when in dispute with enemies, or friends or family and loved ones the greater the intensity and heat with which she broadsided her opponent, the greater the chance of persuading them or forcing their submission.
The man was repeatedly surprised long after it even should have continued to be surprising, how bitter the vitriol and intense the hatred the woman could conjure when upset and how many things seemed to make her upset. After a while though he started to become less surprised. He started adapting. It soon became apparent that the woman was so anxious and easily perturbed by daily life that it really didn't matter what the man did or didn't do or say because everything would be his fault in her eyes anyway. Since there was no variability in the level or tone of her response to perceived slights or inconsiderate acts on his behalf, regardless of the actual scale of the wrong; the man felt he really needn't even try to understand her viewpoint anymore or try to compromise. This seemed especially true in light of the woman seeming to not understand what compromise even meant.
The man became angry with his circumstances and felt especially bitter at the fact that certain sacrifices had had to have been made those years ago but had never once been referred to even obliquely since then. It was as if those sacrifices had never existed. This in combination with what seemed to be the woman's desire to have him change his entire personality, habits, friendships, diet and tastes led to strong sense of persecution in the man that he sensed developing but could do little to quell. Though he felt it strongly, he also hated it and wished he were strong enough not to feel that way. Though he felt his sacrifices were unrecognised and the woman, ungrateful, the man didn't know how to bring this up with the woman. As it was never referred to it really was as if the sacrifices didn't exist and so to bring them up would seem cherlish, he also still had affection for the woman and didn't want to hurt her feelings by mentioning it. Worst of all he feared he'd be implying that she was lucky to have him be with her as if she were somehow subservient or he was being generous. That wasn't how he felt at all, just unerappreciated. It was just, complicated.
Eventually as her behaviour surprised him less and less and he realised how few interactions with her would be positive and how few aspects of life she didn't have an opinion on, he became numb inside. He'd learned to tune out when she spoke and how to only hear the words he'd need to ascertain what this particular criticism was about this time so he could issue a short and terse defense.
One day the man and the woman went to a market for the day together. Like most days, the woman had criticisded the man several times that morning over various things and a couple of times since they arrived and the man was in a pretty bad mood. As he walked around holding the woman's hand he started reflecting on the day and how much she'd annoyed him and then he started reflecting on his own behaviour to see if there was any sense or reason at all for the woman's attitude this day.
Then he realised something. He'd been behaving much like the woman had been towards him, pretty much all day. He'd given sarcastic responses and used cruel tones and worn a frown everywhere they went. He'd been unwilling to hold things for her even temporarily and acted he thought, rather childishly.
That day was today.Today the man is seeing how this relationship is changing him. It was... sad. | 3 |
How I lost my passion | You just don’t wake up and say I lost my passion it just slowly starts happening over time. I got diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis back when I was only 15 years old. This doesn’t really come into play until a year later when I end up in the hospital. I’m prone to getting really sick and being put in the hospital. After the second visit in the hospital I lost all my hopes of being in the military. I wanted to serve my country. I wanted to make my mother and father proud. With Ulcerative Colitis that wouldn’t be the case. The second visit in the hospital is the time I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. They go hand in hand if you ask me. Everything I once wanted to do in life went down the drain. I never got back into my high spirits before being diagnosed. I got homeschooled from being too sick to attend classes. I didn’t have much friends because I wanted to save myself from the judgment and harsh words from other kids. The attendance lady in my high school had Ulcerative Colitis. I was not alone anymore. I shared with her everything I possibly could. I learned in tenth grade all these things I possibly could about this disease. The one thing I wish I had found was the online support groups. I remember sitting with my mother one day and telling her that college wasn’t for me and I knew I couldn’t handle the stress of being in school full time. Well my father told me I could go to college for free because he hadn’t used his GI bill when he was in the military. I then decided that college was in my future. Who the hell doesn’t want to college for free? I started at the community college in my city. I knew college wasn’t right for me at this time when I couldn’t figure out what major I wanted to take. I chose photography and I didn’t even own a camera. I was very depressed with living in the city I was in because I saw the cycle of the African Americans and I knew in my heart that’s not what I wanted. I wanted to be someone and be someone out the city I was in. I was so determined to get the hell out anyone who offered me the dream to leave I was taking it. I started talking to a guy who I went to the same high school with. He said we should get married. I took that as a sign that I need to pack my stuff and move. I moved all the way to the other side of the country. You can tell that I was young. Young folks do things at the drop of the hat. I should’ve listen to the voice that meant the world to me. Not to go just stay here and build something together. But that sweet voice never told me that the love was there. Sweet voice didn’t lead me on to believe something would blossom into a flower. All of this brings me today. The day I started writing this book. I told my father a few days ago that I had lost my passion for everything I once wanted to do. He suggested that I write a book. My first thought was come on now no one would buy my book and who is going to take my seriously. Well I gave it some thought. Here I am sitting on the laptop my father bought me typing my life into the words. Telling you how I lost my passion. The reason I am here today is because the guy I met in high school I ended up marrying. It was rushed and it didn’t have a stable foundation. It was doomed from the very beginning nothing can stand without a solid foundation. I didn’t know my husband well and he didn’t know me. We weren’t compatible if that even makes sense. We are far too much alike than we are different. The family member I stayed with when I moved here didn’t want me staying with him. The family member was very old school. But old school doesn’t work this day and age anymore. No one can get to know someone if you can spend nights together. I was screwed from the very beginning. I got married on a chilly Monday morning in November. I was broke and he had just got paid. I ate the food that he could afford and I gained weight from it. We slept in a twin size bed. I sort of miss those days. Then at times I miss being back in my city doing as I pleased with whomever I wanted. I craved the friendship of people. I moved into my first apartment shortly after I got married and we slept on the floor. Who knew carpet could be so hard? After 2 weeks of hard carpet the mattress came and I cried. I was struggling as a newlywed. All I remember from being in that apartment is the yelling and arguments. I couldn’t find a job for shit then. I couldn’t stop crying, I was unhappy, I was far away from my family, and I couldn’t cook. My life was so miserable and no one could fix it. My husband left me in the house to go to work so I didn’t have the car. Imagine being in the house weeks without much human interaction. I wanted to meet people I wanted to see California. My birthday came and I didn’t get much but a gift card from my father to buy some new clothes. Thank you daddy you always save the day. My father also sent me my first pot set. Pots I barely used because I didn’t know have the things to cook or even how to make anything. The first people I met was two people from his job and another guy and his wife. I was so happy to meet people. I had Thanksgiving with these same people. We would later in December go to the jobs Christmas party. I met up with the couple who I had Thanksgiving with and I met another lifelong friend. The lifelong friend helped me so much. She shared her story with me and let me know that I was not alone in this and to keep my spirits up. Christmas day comes and my husband has to work so my lifelong friend invited me to go with her and her husband to his family’s house. I wanted to cry the whole night. I missed my family and I was thankful another family would take me in and give me gifts. I want to cry right now thinking about it. New Year’s night we sat in my husband’s good friend room and brought it in. We started having financial problems so we decided to move into a secure place. The secure place was so much better and I met my neighbors. My neighbor’s wife hadn’t really met other wives so we hung out all the time while our husbands were at work. I learned yet another story about another person. We ate over there like crazy. The neighbor wife was so happy to have people over. Valentine’s Day comes and we had a blast we got matching tattoos. Tattoos I would later regret and wish I hadn’t gotten. Remember young folks do things at the drop of a hat. I flew home right after Valentine’s Day. I cried every day I was there I was miserable just like I had been before. I didn’t have a purpose there and that’s why I left. My passion was lost in that city in that home that I lived in. I just wanted to come back to the other side of the country. Little did I know that I didn’t have a passion here either. My passion was not going to come back and pop up in dreams. My passion died to long ago. I lost myself in the marriage I was currently in. I didn’t know who I had become. I don’t even like who I’ve became. This nice person that just says what people want to hear. The sweet voice was back home and seeing the sweet voice and others made me want to be the person I use to be. Turning into someone I wasn’t reminded me what my goal was potentially supposed to be. Where was I going with life? My husband and I would throw the word divorce around like crazy. I got a temporary job driving and I was ecstatic. Then I was let go and my life just turned upside down again. I questioned everything that I could be doing wrong. People don’t realize the fault normally lies within. I just sucked it up and continued being a fucking housewife because that’s what my husband fucking expected! I don’t even like fucking cooking. I got tired of cleaning up and I wanted him to help. This led us into more arguments because he brings home the money. I wanted to flip tables I could get my license and make more money than him. Show him that being a housewife isn’t something I like nor do I want to do. I remember my husband asking me to go back to school. He told me that’s the easiest way to get out the house. I was like you know what I can go back. So I enrolled and started making plans to go back full time once again. Only this community college had the trade I once took when I went to a trade high school. Auto Body and Repair! Now that my mind is clear I don’t ever remember knowing what I wanted to be when I grew up. I changed my career so many times I can’t remember what my destiny was here. I still can’t figure out what I wanted to do and I’m turning 20 in a month. I feel almost like a blank piece of paper. I can’t even make choices without someone’s help. I want to blame this on someone else for always giving me two options. But the only person fault this is my own. I sit here and still don’t know what the hell I want to do for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be a housewife but I also know I don’t want to stand up on my feet either. When will the time come and I know what I want to do? I just want to live right now and be a free soul. I want someone else to sponsor me and let me do as I please. But asking to pay for things is a really hard task. No one wants to take care of someone else that isn’t benefitting them. Sweet voice is always there in my mind telling me that whatever I do sweet voice will be there. Why didn’t I marry sweet voice? I know I would’ve had my passion back with Sweet voice. But taking a chance on love is a real gamble and Sweet voice isn’t worth losing. One day Sweet voice will be my husband and I’ll have my passion back. I guess praying for that would be my main goal. | 3 |
I am feeling sad, can someone suggest me a song? | Hello, I am feeling sad, can someone suggest me a song?
MY mood at this momments fits with
southem state -the record low
the bottom - the record low | 2 |
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