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The Jewish festival of Purim celebrates the story of which woman in the Bible?	Judaism 101: Purim Judaism 101 Significance: Remembers the defeat of a plot to exterminate the Jews Observances: Public reading of the book of Esther while "blotting out" the villain's name Length: 1 day Customs: Costume parties; drinking; eating fruit-filled triangular cookies In the twelfth month, which is the month of Adar, on its thirteenth day ... on the day that the enemies of the Jews were expected to prevail over them, it was turned about: the Jews prevailed over their adversaries. - Esther 9:1 And they gained relief on the fourteenth, making it a day of feasting and gladness. - Esther 9:17 [Mordecai instructed them] to observe them as days of feasting and gladness, and sending delicacies to one another, and gifts to the poor. - Esther 9:22 Purim is one of the most joyous and fun holidays on the Jewish calendar. It commemorates a time when the Jewish people living in Persia were saved from extermination. The Book of Esther The story of Purim is told in the Biblical book of Esther. The heroes of the story are Esther, a beautiful young Jewish woman living in Persia, and her cousin Mordecai, who raised her as if she were his daughter. Esther was taken to the house of Ahasuerus, King of Persia, to become part of his harem. King Ahasuerus loved Esther more than his other women and made Esther queen, but the king did not know that Esther was a Jew, because Mordecai told her not to reveal her identity. The villain of the story is Haman, an arrogant, egotistical advisor to the king. Haman hated Mordecai because Mordecai refused to bow down to Haman, so Haman plotted to destroy the Jewish people . In a speech that is all too familiar to Jews, Haman told the king, "There is a certain people scattered abroad and dispersed among the peoples in all the provinces of your realm. Their laws are different from those of every other people's, and they do not observe the king's laws; therefore it is not befitting the king to tolerate them." Esther 3:8. The king gave the fate of the Jewish people to Haman, to do as he pleased to them. Haman planned to exterminate all of the Jews. Mordecai persuaded Esther to speak to the king on behalf of the Jewish people. This was a dangerous thing for Esther to do, because anyone who came into the king's presence without being summoned could be put to death, and she had not been summoned. Esther fasted for three days to prepare herself, then went into the king. He welcomed her. Later, she told him of Haman's plot against her people. The Jewish people were saved, and Haman and his ten sons were hanged on the gallows that had been prepared for Mordecai. The book of Esther is unusual in that it is the only book of the Bible that does not contain the name of G-d . In fact, it includes virtually no reference to G-d. Mordecai makes a vague reference to the fact that the Jews will be saved by someone else, if not by Esther, but that is the closest the book comes to mentioning G-d. Thus, one important message that can be gained from the story is that G-d often works in ways that are not apparent, in ways that appear to be chance, coincidence or ordinary good luck. Modern Echoes of Purim The Pesach (Passover) seder reminds us that in every generation, there are those who rise up to destroy us, but G-d saves us from their hand. In the time of the Book of Esther, Haman was the one who tried to destroy us. In modern times, there have been two significant figures who have threatened the Jewish people, and there are echoes of Purim in their stories. Many have noted the echoes of Purim in the Nuremberg war crime trials. In the Book of Esther, Haman's ten sons were hanged (Esther 9:13); in 1946, ten of Hitler's top associates were put to death by hanging for their war crimes (including the crime of murdering 6 million Jews). An 11th associate of Hitler, Hermann Göring, committed suicide the night before the execution, a parallel to the suicide of Haman's daughter recorded in the Talmud (Megillah 16a). There are rumors that Göring was a transvestite, making that an even more accurate parallel. One of the men seems to have been aware of the parallel: on the way to the gallows, Julius Streicher shouted "Purim Fest 1946!" See: The Execution of Nazi War Criminals . It is also interesting that, in the traditional text of the Megillah (Book of Esther), in the list of the names of Haman's sons, the letters Tav in the first name, Shin in the seventh name and Zayin in the tenth name are written in smaller letters than the rest. The numerical value of Tav-Shin-Zayin is 707, and these ten men were hanged in the Jewish year 5707 (the thousands digit is routinely skipped when writing Jewish years; there are no numerals for thousands in Hebrew numbering). They were not hanged on Purim, though -- they were hanged on Hoshanah Rabbah . Another echo of Purim is found in the Soviet Union a few years later. In early 1953, Stalin was planning to deport most of the Jews in the Soviet Union to Siberia, but just before his plans came to fruition, he suffered a stroke and died a few days later. He suffered that stroke on the night of March 1, 1953: the night after Purim (note: Jewish days end at sunset; you will see March 1 on the calendar as Purim). The plan to deport Jews was not carried out. A story is told in Chabad (Lubavitcher Chasidic Judaism) of that 1953 Purim: the Lubavitcher Rebbe led a Purim gathering and was asked to give a blessing for the Jews of the Soviet Union, who were known to be in great danger. The Rebbe instead told a cryptic story about a man who was voting in the Soviet Union and heard people cheering for the candidate, "Hoorah! Hoorah!" The man did not want to cheer, but was afraid to not cheer, so he said "hoorah," but in his heart, he meant it in Hebrew: hu ra, which means, "he is evil"! The crowd at the Rebbe's 1953 gathering began chanting "hu ra!" regarding Stalin, and that night, Stalin suffered the stroke that lead to his death a few days later. Purim Customs and Observances Purim is celebrated on the 14th day of Adar , which is usually in March. The 13th of Adar is the day that Haman chose for the extermination of the Jews, and the day that the Jews battled their enemies for their lives. On the day afterwards, the 14th, they celebrated their survival. In cities that were walled in the time of Joshua, Purim is celebrated on the 15th of the month, because the book of Esther says that in Shushan (a walled city), deliverance from the massacre was not complete until the next day. The 15th is referred to as Shushan Purim. In leap years , when there are two months of Adar, Purim is celebrated in the second month of Adar, so it is always one month before Passover . The 14th day of the first Adar in a leap year is celebrated as a minor holiday called Purim Katan, which means "little Purim." There are no specific observances for Purim Katan; however, a person should celebrate the holiday and should not mourn or fast. Some communities also observe a "Purim Katan" on the anniversary of any day when their community was saved from a catastrophe, destruction, evil or oppression. The word "Purim" means "lots" and refers to the lottery that Haman used to choose the date for the massacre. The Purim holiday is preceded by a minor fast , the Fast of Esther, which commemorates Esther's three days of fasting in preparation for her meeting with the king. A traditional grager. Click to hear it The primary commandment related to Purim is to hear the reading of the book of Esther. The book of Esther is commonly known as the Megillah, which means scroll. Although there are five books of Jewish scripture that are properly referred to as megillahs (Esther, Ruth, Ecclesiastes, Song of Songs, and Lamentations), this is the one people usually mean when they speak of The Megillah. It is customary to boo, hiss, stamp feet and rattle gragers (noisemakers) whenever the name of Haman is mentioned in the service. The purpose of this custom is to "blot out the name of Haman." We are also commanded to eat, drink and be merry. According to the Talmud , a person is required to drink until he cannot tell the difference between "cursed be Haman" and "blessed be Mordecai," though opinions differ as to exactly how drunk that is. A person certainly should not become so drunk that he might violate other commandments or get seriously ill. In addition, recovering alcoholics or others who might suffer serious harm from alcohol are exempt from this obligation. In addition, we are commanded to send out gifts of food or drink, and to make gifts to charity. The sending of gifts of food and drink is referred to as shalach manos (lit. sending out portions). Among Ashkenazic Jews, a common treat at this time of year is hamentaschen (lit. Haman's pockets). These triangular fruit-filled cookies are supposed to represent Haman's three-cornered hat. My recipe is included below. It is customary to hold carnival-like celebrations on Purim, to perform plays and parodies, and to hold beauty contests. I have heard that the usual prohibitions against cross-dressing are lifted during this holiday, but I am not certain about that. Americans sometimes refer to Purim as the Jewish Mardi Gras. Purim is not subject to the sabbath-like restrictions on work that some other holidays are; however, some sources indicate that we should not go about our ordinary business on Purim out of respect for the holiday. Recipe for Hamentaschen This is a sugar cookie-style recipe, which is a common homemade style. In stores or at synagogues, you will often see a bigger, more yeasty style, but I don't have a recipe for that. I recently made some changes to the recipe that make it easier to measure (2/3 cup butter? really?), easier to roll and less prone to pop open in the oven (but still just as tasty!). The new recipe makes almost twice as much batter (40-50 hamentaschen using a 3-1/4 inch cutting tool), but I used to double the original recipe anyway. Below is the ingredient list for this new recipe, alongside the original recipe for anyone who has used it before and wants to stick with it. I use a mixer to make the batter these days. I used to mix it by hand. You may need to adjust the flour amount slightly if you mix by hand. New Recipe 3/4 cup butter or margarine 3/4 cup sugar 2 tbsp. orange juice (the smooth kind, not the pulpy) 2 cups white flour 1-1/2 cups wheat flour (DO NOT substitute white flour! The wheat flour is necessary to achieve the right texture!) 2 tsp. baking powder 1 tsp. dried orange peel (2 tsp. if fresh) Various preserves, fruit butters and/or pie fillings. Original Recipe 2/3 cup butter or margarine 1/2 cup sugar 1/4 cup orange juice (the smooth kind, not the pulpy) 1 cup white flour 1 cup wheat flour (DO NOT substitute white flour! The wheat flour is necessary to achieve the right texture!) 2 tsp. baking powder 1 tsp. cinnamon Various preserves, fruit butters and/or pie fillings. Blend butter and sugar thoroughly. Add the egg and blend thoroughly. Add OJ and blend thoroughly. Add flour, 1/2 cup at a time, alternating white and wheat, blending thoroughly between each. Add the baking powder, cinnamon and orange peel before the last half cup of flour. Refrigerate batter for an hour or two (preferably overnight for the original recipe). Roll as thin as you like. I roll it between two sheets of parchment paper dusted with flouer for best results. Cut out 3 or 4 inch circles. I use a 3-1/4 inch diameter drinking glass as a cutting tool. Set aside the excess dough for the next batch and flip the circles before filling to make it easier to fold when the time comes. Put a dollop of filling in the middle of each circle. Fold up the sides to make a triangle, folding the last corner under the starting point, so that each side has corner that folds over and a corner that folds under (see picture at right). Folding in this "pinwheel" style will reduce the likelihood that the last side will fall open while cooking, spilling out the filling. It also tends to make a better triangle shape. Bake at 350 degrees for about 15-20 minutes, until golden brown but before the filling boils over! Traditional fillings are poppy seed and prune, but apricot is my favorite. Apple butter, orange marmalade, pineapple preserves, and cherry pie filling all work quite well. I usually use grocery store brand fruit preserves, and of course the traditional Simon Fischer brand prune lekvar. I have also made some with Nutella (chocolate-hazelnut spread); I find it a bit dry that way, but some people like it. The Nutella was less dry when I mixed it with marshmallow fluff, and a recent mix of Nutella and cherry preserves got rave reviews at the office. The number of cookies this recipe makes depends on the size of your cutting tool and the thickness you roll. I am currently using a 3-1/4 inch cutting tool and roll to a medium thickness, and I get 40-50- cookies out of the newrecipe (more like 25-30 with the original). Wheat-Free, Gluten-Free Variation If you are on a wheat-free diet for wheat allergies or a gluten-free diet for celiac-sprue, substitute 3 cups of buckwheat flour and 1/2 cup of milled flax seed for the white and wheat flour (for the original recipe: 2 cups of buckwheat and 1/2 cup f flax). Reduce the baking powder to 1 tsp. The resulting hamentaschen will have an unusual pumpernickel color, but they taste great! I have family and friends with celiac, so I make a batch of this substitution every year, and get great reviews. Make sure the buckwheat flour you use is wheat-free/gluten-free! Sometimes buckwheat flour is mixed with white or wheat flour. The Hodgson Mill buckwheat and flax linked above are gluten-free and have reliable kosher certification . List of Dates Purim will occur on the following days of the secular calendar: Jewish Year 5777: sunset March 11, 2017 - nightfall March 12, 2017 Jewish Year 5778: sunset February 28, 2018 - nightfall March 1, 2018 Jewish Year 5779: sunset March 20, 2019 - nightfall March 21, 2019 Jewish Year 5780: sunset March 9, 2020 - nightfall March 10, 2020 Jewish Year 5781: sunset February 25, 2021 - nightfall February 26, 2021 For additional holiday dates, see Links to Jewish Calendars . © Copyright 5756-5771 (1995-2011), Tracey R Rich If you appreciate the many years of work I have put into this site, show your appreciation by linking to this page, not copying it to your site. I can't correct my mistakes or add new material if it's on your site. Click Here for more details.	Esther
What Is the name of the traditional Japanese rice straw matting used as a floor cowering?	Purim - Celebration of Deliverance By John J Parsons www.hebrew4christians.com THE STORY GOES BACK to king Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon (630-562 BC), who, on account of the chronic apostasy of the Jews, became "the rod of God's wrath" by conquering the land of Judah, besieging Jerusalem, burning the Temple of Solomon, and eventually carrying the Jews off to captivity. This became known as the "Babylonian Exile" ( 2 Kings 25:1-17 ), and among the Jews who were deported from Judah to Babylon was a young man named Daniel (the prophet), who later served in the court of Nebuchadnezzar. Nebuchadnezzar allowed the exiled Jews to settle along the banks of the Euphrates River and to establish their own centers of learning and worship. In fact, some of the greatest Jewish learning ever produced - including the Babylonian Talmud (Bavli) - would come from those who were exiled in ancient Babylon. In time King Nebuchadnezzar died and his son ruled. Later his grandson Belshazzar assumed the throne. This is that king Belshazzar mentioned in Daniel 5 who threw a feast and drank from the holy vessels looted by his grandfather from Solomon's Temple. While he was reveling and praising the "gods of gold and silver" he and his guests saw a mysterious hand writing a message on the wall: The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD. Proverbs 16:33 Much is made over the fact that the book of Esther is the only book of the Tanakh that does not explicitly mention the Name of God. However, the idea of God's sovereignty and hashgachah (divine providence) is clearly implied throughout the entire story. In light of this nes nistar, or "hidden miracle" of the Jew's deliverance, Esther and Mordecai ordained that Purim should be observed as a "day of feasting and merrymaking" and of sending gifts to the poor (Esther 9:22,28). By the way, Purim is so named because Haman had cast lots (purim) to determine the day on which to destroy the Jews. Ironically, God demonstrates that He is Master over the outcome of chance throughout the entire narrative. The Dates of Purim For the Diaspora, Purim is celebrated on the 14th of Adar , the day after Haman's roll of the dice indicated that the 13th of Adar was most "propitious" for the extermination of the Jews. It is celebrated on the day after since it was on this day that the Jews successfully fended off their enemies and experienced the joy of deliverance. Shushan Purim is observed in Israel a day later still (on Adar 15th). The reason for these different dates of the festival of Purim is that the Jews of Shushan waged war on both the 13th and the 14th of Adar and observed the 15th as a day of festivity and rejoicing, but in the other provinces the Jews waged war on the 13th and observed the 14th as the day of rejoicing. Jews in Israel identify with the Jews of Shushan, and hence its celebration is called "Shushan Purim." On leap years, Purim is celebrated a month later, during Adar II (though Adar 14th is still observed during leap years as Purim Katan, or "little Purim"). In modern times, many cities have celebrated local "Purims", also called "Purim Katan", all commemorating the deliverance of the local community from a particular antisemitic ruler or group. Purim is a time of celebration on account of God's victory and deliverance for His people. Hooray for Mordecai! -- and may Haman and his kind forever be foiled in their attempts to undermine those who call upon the Name of the LORD God of Israel. Amen. Hebrew Blessings said during Purim Purim is actually considered a minor holiday on the Jewish religious calendar, which means that it is not attended with the same halakhic restrictions observed on other holidays. The primary commandment of Purim is to recite three blessings before hearing Megillat Ester recited during synagogue services (one in the evening and another in the morning). The three preliminary blessings are as follows: Blessed art Thou, LORD our God, Master of the universe, who sanctified us with His commandments and commanded us regarding the reading of the Megillah. Amen. Blessed art Thou, LORD our God, Master of the universe, who performed miracles for our fathers in those days at this time. Amen. Blessed art Thou, LORD our God, Master of the universe, who has kept us alive and has sustained us, and brought us to this season. Amen. After these blessings are recited, the scroll of Esther (Megillat Ester) is read. During the reading of the Megillah, everyone shouts "boo!" (or makes otherwise loud noises) when the name "Haman" is heard, while they wildly cheer whenever the name "Mordecai" is heard. Grogers (noise makers) and other devices are often employed. It is a wild experience and a lot of fun! At the end of the reading, an additional blessing regarding God's vengeance is often recited. Purim Customs (minhagim) Today Purim is a happy festival with an almost carnival atmosphere. It is a time to remember that "God worketh all things together for good" for those who are called according to His purposes. It is also a time of special parties and plays put on by children at the synagogue (if you haven't seen a little girl dressed up as Queen Esther and a little boy fumfer his lines as King Ahasuerus, you are missing out on a real treat!). In addition to reciting the Hebrew blessings and reading the book of Esther, there are several customs that are associated with Purim, including: Fun-filled synagogue services - Services at the synagogue are especially fun during Purim. Children often present a dramatic presentation of the story of Esther, and during the reading of the book itself everyone shouts "boo!" or makes otherwise loud noises when the name "Haman" is heard, while they wildly cheer whenever the name "Mordechai" is heard. Groggers (noise makers) and other devices are often employed and often there is a sumptuous oneg after the service where you can fatten up on "Hamantaschen" (המן־טאַשן), or "Haman's Ears" -- those delicious three-sided pastries filled with poppy seeds or other fillings. Some people also dress up with costumes during Purim services. Sending gifts to others (Mishloach Manot) - Normally these sorts of gifts ("portions") are pre-cooked foods or pastries such as Hamentash ("Haman's Hat"). Usually two such "portions" are sent for the occasion. Many people deliver these treats directly after the erev Purim synagogue service. Giving Tzedakah (charity) to the poor (Matanot l'Evyonim) - This is often considered the most significant mitvzah to do for the holiday. Tzedakah is a way of expressing our gratitude to God for the gift of our deliverance. The Festive Purim Meal (Seudat Purim) - It is a mitzvah to eat a special Purim meal (seudat Purim), usually after minchah (afternoon) services on the 14th. Many children dress up in elaborate masks and costumes for the supper. Like other holidays we light Yom Tov candles and recite kiddush before partaking of the meal (Mishna Berura 695:9). Often an oversized challah with raisins is baked for the occasion. Since Purim is a time of irony and fun, some people put on a farcical "Purim Seder," with a "Purim Rabbi" officiating the ceremonial meal and generally making a mess of things. It is also customary to eat festive foods at this time, especially the delicious "Hamantaschen" (המן־טאַשן), or "Haman's Ears." Note: According to the Talmud (Megillah 7a), you should drink so much wine during the meal that you can no longer coherently know the difference between 'Cursed is Haman,' and 'Blessed is Mordechai.' This is sometimes called "ad lo yadah" - "until you don't know...." Needless to say this tradition is not a requirement and is in fact not recommended for the holiday celebration. Yeshua and Purim Did Yeshua (Jesus) celebrate Purim? It is written in John chapter 5 that He was in Jerusalem for an unnamed feast, but scholars have questioned which feast this was. Some have rejected the idea that this was Purim because it is considered a "minor" feast and not one of the shelosh regalim (three pilgrimage festivals). However, we know that Jesus celebrated Chanukah (John 10:22) which is also another "minor" feast, so a priori that is not a worthy objection. According to Lambert Dolphin's research on this question, chronologically the only feast that John could be referring to is Purim, since it is said to have fallen on Shabbat (John 5:9), but the only feast that occurred on Shabbat between the years of 25-35 CE was in fact Purim (in the year 28 CE). But why was it referred to as an unnamed feast? Perhaps the Spirit of God intentionally left out the name of the feast because the Name of the LORD was likewise deliberately left out of the Book of Esther. Purim and Yom Kippur According to sages, any day that is marked by special deliverance by the LORD can be called a "Purim." In fact, Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement) is also known as Yom Kippurim in the Tanakh, which can be read as Yom Ke-Purim, a "day like Purim." Thus the day on which Yeshua sacrificed Himself on the cross is the greatest Purim of all, since through this we are eternally delivered from the hands of our enemies. This connection is brought out by the following vignette: In the dark days of Purim, 1941, in the Warsaw ghetto, Rabbi Kalonymos Kalman of Piasetzna sat at the head of the table, surrounded by a group of gaunt and despondent chassidim, who were starting forlornly into nothingness. With death hanging over their heads, how could anyone rejoice? Said the rebbe: In the Zohar it is written that Yom Kippurim means Yom kePurim, "a day just like Purim." That is to say, just as on Yom Kippur - whether you like it or not - you must fast on orders of the Holy One, blessed be He; so you must rejoice on Purim. Even if Satan runs amok in the streets, you have to be happy; it is the will of God. (Finkel: Essence of the Holy Days, 1993). The Prophetic Significance of Purim Purim is a happy, fun-filled holiday that rejoices over the irresistible grace of the God of Israel and His providential care. And while we should rejoice over the deliverance of the LORD in times past, Purim has a prophetic dimension that yet is to be fulfilled in acharit hayamim (the end of days). The Midrash Esther says that Purim, unlike many of the other holidays, will be celebrated even after the final redemption after the End of Days. This is because the story of Purim -- i.e., God's covenantal faithfulness and defense of His people -- will be magnified in the deliverance that leads to the establishment of the Messianic Kingdom upon the earth. Indeed, the Second Coming of the Messiah will be regarded as the final fulfillment of Purim! Haman is clearly a type of Anti-Messiah (satan) who desires to see the Jewish people exterminated once and for all. In the New Testament we know that there is soon coming one who is the embodiment of this "spirit of Haman," and of Hitler, and of all the other anti-Jewish murderers throughout the ages. This one is the "man of sin" or the Messiah of Evil ( 2 Thess. 2:3 ), who will broker peace in the Middle East and feign to be friendly to Israel, but who will ultimately betray her and seek to have her utterly destroyed. Satan's final attempt to provide the ultimate "Final Solution" will be foiled, just as Haman's attempt was foiled. His plan will boomerang upon his own head, just as Haman's plan boomeranged upon him. And he and his children will all hang from the gallows, just as Haman and his children did. When Yeshua returns at the end of the Great Tribulation, He will destroy the Messiah of Evil by the Word of His Power and physically deliver Israel as her rightful King and Lord. Israel's long-awaited Mashiach ben David will be clearly revealed and understood to be Mashiach ben Yosef Himself. Then, and only then, will Israel experience the true deliverance and salvation of God -- and the rejoicing of that Purim will be like none other! Purim HaGadol... Here is a vision of that coming Purim: Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True (נֶאֱמָן וְיָשָׁר), and in righteousness he judges and makes war. His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on his head are many diadems, and he has a Name written that no one knows but himself (שֵׁם כָּתוּב אֲשֶׁר לא־יָדַע אִישׁ כִּי אִם־הוּא לְבַדּוֹ). He is clothed in a robe dipped in blood, and the Name by which he is called is 'the Word of God' (דְּבַר הָאֱלהִים). And the armies of heaven, arrayed in fine linen, white and pure, were following him on white horses. From His mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and He will rule them with a rod of iron. And He will tread the winepress of the fierce fury of the wrath of God, the Ruler over All, the LORD God Almighty (יְהוָה אֱלהֵי צְבָאוֹת). On his robe and on his thigh he has a Name written, the King of kings (מֶלֶךְ הַמְּלָכִים) and the Lord of lords (אֲדנֵי הָאֲדנִים). And with the breath of his lips He will slay the wicked. - Rev. 19:11-16 May that day come speedily, and in our time... Amen! For Further Study:	i don't know
Who painted ‘The Raft of The Medusa’?	Author(s): Séverine Laborie The Raft of the Medusa—a major work in French 19th-century painting—is generally regarded as an icon of Romanticism. It depicts an event whose human and political aspects greatly interested Géricault: the wreck of a French frigate off the coast of Senegal in 1816, with over 150 soldiers on board. The painter researched the story in detail and made numerous sketches before deciding on his definitive composition, which illustrates the hope of rescue. A contemporary event Géricault drew his inspiration from the account of two survivors of the Medusa—a French Royal Navy frigate that set sail in 1816 to colonize Senegal. It was captained by an officer of the Ancien Régime who had not sailed for over twenty years and who ran the ship aground on a sandbank. Due to the shortage of lifeboats, those who were left behind had to build a raft for 150 souls—a construction that drifted away on a bloody 13-day odyssey that was to save only 10 lives. The disaster of the shipwreck was made worse by the brutality and cannibalism that ensued. Géricault decided to represent the vain hope of the shipwrecked sailors: the rescue boat is visible on the horizon—but sails away without seeing them. The whole composition is oriented toward this hope in a rightward ascent culminating in a black figure, the figurehead of the boat. The painting stands as a synthetic view of human life abandoned to its fate. Dissecting the subject Géricault spent a long time preparing the composition of this painting, which he intended to exhibit at the Salon of 1819. He began by amassing documentation and questioning the survivors, whom he sketched; he then worked with a model and wax figurines, studied severed cadavers in his studio, used friends as models, and hesitated between a number of subjects. The result of this long preparatory period can be seen in two sketches now in the Louvre (RF 2229, RF 1667). There followed the period of solitary work in his studio, spent getting to grips with a vast canvas measuring five meters by seven. The pallid bodies are given cruel emphasis by a Caravaggio-style chiaroscuro; some writhe in the elation of hope, while others are unaware of the passing ship. The latter include two figures of despair and solitude: one mourning his son, the other bewailing his own fate. These figures reflect the Romantic inspiration that fueled the work of both Géricault and Gros, and the former's admiration for the latter (see The Plague-Stricken in Jaffa). A hint of scandal Géricault's Raft was the star at the Salon of 1819: "It strikes and attracts all eyes" (Le Journal de Paris). Critics were divided: the horror and "terribilità" of the subject exercised fascination, but devotees of classicism expressed their distaste for what they described as a "pile of corpses," whose realism they considered a far cry from the "ideal beauty" incarnated by Girodet's Pygmalion and Galatea (which triumphed the same year). Géricault's work expressed a paradox: how could a hideous subject be translated into a powerful painting, how could the painter reconcile art and reality? Coupin was categorical: "Monsieur Géricault seems mistaken. The goal of painting is to speak to the soul and the eyes, not to repel." The painting had fervent admirers too, including Auguste Jal who praised its political theme, its liberal position (the advancement of the "negro", the critique of ultra-royalism), and its modernity. For Michelet, "our whole society is aboard the raft of the Medusa [...]." Bibliography - LAVEISSIERE S., MICHEL R., CHENIQUE B., Géricault, catalogue d’exposition, Grand Palais 1991-1992, Editions de la Réunion des musées nationaux, Paris, 1991. Technical description Théodore GÉRICAULT (Rouen, 1791 - Paris, 1824) Le Radeau de la Méduse Salon de 1819 H. : 4,91 m. ; L. : 7,16 m. Acquis à la vente posthume de l'artiste par l'intermédiaire de Pierre-JosephDedreux-Dorcy, ami de Géricault, 1824 , 1824 INV. 4884	Théodore Géricault
Which song from The Beatles White Album gave Siouxsie and the Banshees a Top Five hit single in 1983?	Theodore Gericault: Romantic History Painter, Portraitist Louvre, Paris. Biography One of the first great exponents of 19th century French Painting , and of the style known as Romanticism , Theodore Gericault lived as well as painted with all the verve of the Romantic style. Blessed with independent wealth, he could indulge his twin passions, for painting and horses, as and when he wished. He had less formal training than most artists of his day, and only applied himself seriously to his art when inspired - as with his great masterpiece, The Raft of the Medusa (1819, Louvre). Influenced by his more academic predecessor Antoine-Jean Gros (1771-1835), Gericault was a powerful influence on the younger Eugene Delacroix - who became one of the greatest Romantic artists - as well as the populist Parisian history painter and engraver Paul Delaroche (1797-1856). Gericault was also one of the best portrait artists , noted for his haunting realist studies of asylum inmates. His untimely death came after many months of suffering, following a fall from a horse. WORLDS TOP ARTISTS The Raft of the Medusa Returning to Paris in the autumn of 1817, Gericault was in a quandary. His work had gained power through his study of the Renaissance , but he was dissatisfied with works like the Race of the Riderless Horses which did not depict current events. A child of France's most heroic age, he could not ignore the dynamic representation of contemporary reality as practiced by artists like Gros, nor the influence of the increasingly popular British Romantic writers, notably Byron and Walter Scott. He wanted to paint a subject from modern life in monumental terms. Having experimented rather unsuccessfully with various themes, he came across a pamphlet describing the privations of those who had survived being cast adrift on a raft of a ship called the "Medusa". Abandoned to their fate on a raft by a mutinous crew, the survivors returned to France to tell a horrifying tale of exposure and near starvation, avoided only by cannibalism. Overcome with enthusiasm, Gericault interviewed the authors of the pamphlet, and determined to paint a vast canvas. He toyed with sketches of many different scenes before he settled on the final version, but once decided, he worked with complete dedication. To force himself to remain in his studio, he shaved his head; and to ensure the correct representation of dead bodies, he worked in the company of corpses. In fact, The Raft of the Medusa (1819, Louvre) is a truly innovative painting, not only in raising a subject from modern life to the proportions once reserved for paintings of the Antique, but also in its construction. Gericault was extremely daring in organizing his painting around a pyramid, which culminates in the figure of the negro waving a rag in the direction of the rescue ship, faintly visible on the horizon. However, this composition gives such power to the expression of hope among the shipwrecked survivors that it succeeds admirably. As a history painting which involves a relatively low-brow theme, The Raft of the Medusa belongs to the tradition popularized by the American painter John Singleton Copley (1738-1815) in his painting Brook Watson and the Shark (1778, National Gallery of Art, Washington DC). Unfortunately, neither the French Academy - guardian of the rules of academic art - nor the government saw any benefit in encouraging this type of sensationalism. Not surprisingly therefore, despite its painterly qualities, the Medusa was not well received by the critics, nor was it bought by the government as Gericault had hoped it would be. Disillusioned by his relative failure after so much intense work, he took the painting to England early in 1820; he made a considerable amount of money by showing it there in a travelling exhibition. Lithography in England In England, Gericault's style again underwent a radical change. He had been, in 1817, one of the first artists to take up the newly invented process of lithography ; he now put this expertise to good use, producing a series of 13 plates illustrating the life of the English poor. These engravings are inspired in part by the genre painting of English artists, although they have nothing of the maudlin sentimentality of the latter. The most important work he produced in England is undoubtedly The Epsom Derby (1821, Louvre). Returning to his first love, horses, Gericault here conceives the movement of that most gracious of animals in entirely new terms. The whole impression given is one of movement, with the horses shown galloping flat out to increase the feeling of speed. Minor English sporting painters may have suggested this style to Gericault, but it is essentially new, and no echo of it is found in French art until the advent of Edgar Degas , almost 50 years later. Gericault also produced several unusual examples of still-life painting , such as Anatomical Pieces (1818). Portraiture Gericault's entire history is one of change and innovation, and nothing is more novel than his famous series of portrait paintings of the insane. Painted for a Dr Georget, one of the pioneers of psychiatry, each of these mesmerizing examples of portrait art illustrates a different psychotic condition - such as kleptomania, delusions of grandeur, and so forth. It is not certain whether these works were painted by Gericault as a favour to Dr Georget, or whether they were in fact a kind of occupational therapy prescribed by Georget for one of Gericault's frequent bouts of depression. Gericault painted ten of these canvases in all; only five are extant, a fine example being The Mad Assassin (1822). Their unique quality lies in the fact that they were among the first portraits in the history of art to depict an abnormal mental state as an illness, rather than as a subject for laughter. In any event, they rank among the most striking 19th century portraits , by any artist. Last Years Between his return to France in 1822, and his death two years later, Gericault painted very little, the only really significant work being The Lime Kiln (1823). Successive equestrian accidents weakened him, and as he was unwilling to take good care of himself, he eventually died. Near death, he exclaimed in typical Romantic but essentially untrue fashion: "If only I had painted five pictures: but I have done nothing, absolutely nothing." In fact, critics now suggest that Gericault was one of the key forerunners of modern art , especially in his embrace of the new Realism , without which the likes of Delacroix and Gustave Courbet (1819-1877) might have struggled to achieve their fame. Works by Theodore Gericault can be seen in many of the best art museums throughout the world, notably the Louvre Museum in Paris. For more biographies of French artists, see: Famous Painters . For more about French painting, see: Homepage . ENCYCLOPEDIA OF VISUAL ARTISTS	i don't know
In which west country town is Pen Mill railway station?	New train services announced for the South West \| West Country - ITV News 11 March 2015 at 10:57am New train services announced for the South West South West Trains have proposed new services to run this Winter Credit: Dominic Lipinski/PA Archive/Press Association Images South West Trains have announced it will implement new services this winter, including connecting Frome to London Waterloo for the first time. The major timetable improvements will see additional eight services a day between London and Yeovil, providing an extra 1000 seats and new connections between Yeovil Juncion and Yeovil Pen Mill. Bruton and Frome will be connected to Waterloo for the first time ever, with four extra trains. Additional services will also run between Exeter and Honiton during the afternoon and peak times on weekdays. The 1850 Waterloo to Salisbury will be extended to Yeovil Pen Mill, via Gillingham. Yeovil Junction, Sherborne and Templecombe will have two additional trains in the mid-afternoon. The services are planned from December 2015 and are subject to consultation and regulatory approval. These are exciting and innovative proposals that would provide a greatly improved service for thousands of passengers in Somerset, Dorset and Devon and could also create brand new links to London for many communities. The new services are designed to provide new opportunities for work, leisure and business and would deliver a huge boost to the region’s economy. – Tim Shoveller, Chief Executive of the South West Trains-Network Rail Alliance Last updated Wed 11 Mar 2015	Yeovil
Sorbus is the generic name given to which trees?	List of Halts on West Country Railways This page provides a list of all the Halts which have existed on the railways of the UK West Country. This list covers the counties of Dorset, Somerset, Devon and Cornwall, and also some of the adjacent lines in Hampshire and Wiltshire. Sadly most of the Halts listed on this page have been closed for many years now, along with the railway lines which served them. This list includes only those locations which were designated as Halts when first opened for traffic. The list does not contain details of any location which was originally a station and then down-graded to halt status at a later date. Any entries suffixed '(P)' after the name were locations designated as 'Platform' by the Great Western Railway or British Railways (Western Region). A modern halt - Doniford on the preserved West Somerset Railway , looking up the line towards Williton in 2004 with a typical ex-GWR auto-train. This halt was constructed with platform components ex-Montacute (Yeovil branch) and a 'pagoda' hut ex-Cove (Exe Valley branch). Halts are listed in the table below in alphabetical order. A location is given for each halt by reference to the next station, halt or junction in the Up and Down directions. Where known, the dates of opening and closing (if relevant) are given also for each halt. Halts marked 'OPEN' in the 'Closed' date column were still in use at 31st December 2005. Please Note: many public notices regarding the closure of railway lines and/or halts merely stated that public passenger services would be withdrawn "on and from" a certain date, usually a Monday - the actual last day of service therefore would be the preceding Sunday, or the preceding Saturday if the line had no Sunday service. It is not always clear from the sources used to compile this page whether the closure dates quoted are the "on and from" date or the date of actual last service - where possible, the latter is used. � Chris Osment 2004 List of West Country Railway Halts	i don't know
By which name was the famous Swiss clown Karl Adrien Wettach better known?	Grock - Biography - IMDb Biography Jump to: Overview (3) \| Mini Bio (1) \| Spouse (2) \| Trivia (3) \| Personal Quotes (2) Overview (3) Charles Adrien Wettach Mini Bio (1) Karl Adrien Wettach, one of the most famous clowns of the first half of the 20th century, was born on Jan 10, 1880 in Reconvilier in the Swiss Canton of Bern. His watchmaker father was an amateur musician and acrobat, and he taught the young Karl the basics of music and tumbling. Karl became hooked on performing, and he worked up a variety show with his sister Jeanne that appeared in hotels and clubs. As an amateur, during the summer months, Karl appeared with the circus as a tumbler and then later as a musician. Subsequently, he joined up with a caravan of gypsies, in whose company he learned his craft and gained experience with a broad variety of musical instruments. He became fluent in a many languages, and mastered fourteen musical instruments, including a miniature violin. At the age of 14, he made his professional debut in Fiame Wetzel's circus. He partnered with a clown named "Brick," and they made the rounds of the international circuit, appearing in France, Africa and South America. In 1903, Wettach took the stage name "Grock," under which he became one of the most famous clowns in Europe. "My birth name doesn't mean anything. I am Grock. The first is the name of the dark years," he said. As a clown, his life became a quest for perfecting the synthesis of the man, with his hidden human face, and the clown, the mask occluding the man beneath the greasepaint. This synthesis was "Grock," a figure intended to entertain while remaining forever mysterious, a beloved figure who never could be fully understood by the audience, hidden as he was by his mask, hidden as the man Karl was by the mask Grock. After Brick married, Grock left him and hooked up with Umberto Guillaume, a famous clown known as Antonet. Making the move from circus arenas to the music hall, their act initially failed, but eventually, they mastered stage technique. When they hit the boards in London in 1911, they had a major success. The duo became the toast of the public wherever they played. Grock would make England his home for the next 13 years. By 1913, Grock had polished his most famous and endearing act, appearing as a simpleton among a plethora of musical instruments, fumbling with the instruments as if he knew nothing about them, instruments that the "real" Karl Wettach had mastered. But the clown Grock would absentmindedly flip a fiddle over, then try to play it, wondering where the strings went. It was an act that helped develop his reputation as King of Clowns. Soon, Grock was performing before European royalty. A composer of popular ditties, Wettach became a music publisher and achieved success in the music business with his own songs. Wettach departed England in 1924 for the Continent, which remained his home for the rest of his life. He settled in Imperia, situated on the western Liguria Riviera, with Ines Ospiri, his Italian wife. In 1927, he began constructing a great 50-room mansion facing the sea in the Cascine hills that would be called the Villa Bianca, named after his daughter. During the turbulent years of fascist Italy and World War II, Grock never let his mask slip, never overtly dabbled in politics. Though he attracted the admiration of leading Italian fascists, the King of Italy, European royalty and even Hitler, all of whom claimed to be a friend of his, he never publicly confirmed those bonds. The man behind the mask of Grock never declared any allegiance to anyone or anything but his art. Grock established his own traveling circus in 1951. Initially, he struggled due to the large initial layouts of capital, but he soon achieved financial success as the circus performed shows all over Europe. His last performance was in Hamburg, Germany, on October 30, 1954, in front of a crowd that included scores of reporters from all over the world. He then retired to the Villa Bianca, through with performing, except for several appearances on television he made in 1956. In addition to being a clown, a composer, and a music publisher, Wettach was also a writer, penning several books, including his 1956 autobiography, "Die Memoiren des Königs der Clowns" ("Grock, King of Clowns"). "The genius of clowning is transforming the little, everyday annoyances, not only overcoming, but actually transforming them into something strange and terrific," Grock said. "It is the power to extract mirth for millions out of nothing and less than nothing." Grock died in Imperia, Italy, on July 14, 1959. He was inducted into the Clown Hall of Fame in 1992. - IMDb Mini Biography By: Jon C. Hopwood Spouse (2)	Grock
Ambassadors to Britain are officially accredited to which court?	Obituary: Jerome Medrano \| The Independent Culture Obituary: Jerome Medrano In 1937 Medrano joined Grock, the greatest of all clowns, in his act - his one foray into the spotlight Monday 30 November 1998 00:02 BST Click to follow The Independent Culture JEROME MEDRANO inherited the most charming and fascinating circus in Paris. During his 35 years as head of Cirque Medrano - from 1928 to 1963 - he promoted all the great stars of the circus world, and many from the theatre including Josephine Baker, Charles Trenet, Maurice Chevalier, Jean Marais, Mistinguett, and Jonny Hallyday. Prince Rainier was a frequent visitor, and Medrano cultivated friendships with the painter and designer Vertes and with Jean Cocteau, who designed a programme cover for one of his seasons. The greatest of all clowns, the Swiss Adrien Wettach, better known as Grock, entertained in the ring of Cirque Medrano on three occasions, and in 1937 was joined in his act by Medrano himself, the circus administrator's one foray into the spotlight. A charming, distinguished, cultured man, Medrano preferred to remain in the background. The reputation and fashionability of Cirque Medrano was established by the painters, poets and writers who thronged Montmartre in the second half of the 19th century. Art spawned the style of painting known as "Impressionism" and painters flocked to the intimate little circus building on the Rue des Martyrs/Boulevard Rochechouart in the heart of Pigalle, a stone's throw from the Moulin Rouge. Under its pink-tinged spotlights, great painters like Toulouse-Lautrec, Degas, Seurat and Renoir created sketches for some of their greatest works. Seurat, whose last studio was close by in the Passage de l'Elysee des Beaux-Arts, was captivated by the equestriennes and the clowns, while Degas painted "Miss La-La" hanging from her teeth in the roof of the circus, a picture now in the National Gallery in London. The story of Cirque Medrano goes back to 1873 when Ferdinand-Constantin Beert pitched his modest tent on wasteland in Pigalle and stayed on to erect the Cirque Fernando wooden building. Among the several stable circuses in Paris at this era, it became a favourite of Parisian audiences because of its warmth and enticing intimacy. In 1897, the clown known as "Boum Boum", Spanish-born Geronimo Medrano, a former acrobat and trapeze artiste, took over the running of the building, changing its name from Fernando to Medrano. On his death in 1912, he left a widow and a five-year-old son, Jerome. Management of the building was put into the hands of Rodolphe Bonten, who became Jerome's stepfather. On attaining his majority, in 1928, Jerome Medrano - a young man with taste, culture and education and fresh ideas - seized his inheritance, and became the director of the Cirque Medrano. Completely refurbishing the building and restructuring the seating (even though it meant losing several hundred valuable seats), he improved the venerable building which had become known as "Le Cirque de Paris". It was an era when the greatest clowns of Europe appeared in Paris and Medrano's taste in clown acts brought in as many as three leading groups to each programme in a period when the programme changed every two or three weeks. Thus were established the leading clowns of the French capital, the sensational Fratellinis, the brothers Albert, Paul and Francois, who changed their repertoires with each appearance. Others like Alex and Porto, Rhum, Iles and Loyal, Little Walter and Charlie Rivel followed, and a young Charlie Cairoli, then known as Carletto, made his early debut in the Medrano ring with his father and Porto, later joined by his brother Philip. Carioli enjoyed tremendous success in Paris prior to his first appearance in Britain at the Blackpool Tower in 1939 where he remained for 39 years, until the end of his career. Grock appeared at Cirque Medrano twice in the 1930s and once in the early 1950s, just before his retirement. In January 1937, he appeared without his regular partner Antonet, and only agreed to perform if Jerome Medrano acted as his "faire valoir". They rehearsed and rehearsed the music, the dialogue, the physical gags, until perfection was achieved, and in his own magical ring Jerome Medrano became a star alongside the greatest clown of all time. Among the artistes he presented at Medrano, were the sensational Flying Codonas, the greatest juggler of all time, Enrico Rastelli, Alfred Court's remarkable wild animals, and the tightwire genius Con Colleano. He was not scared to experiment, however, and often introduced unusual attractions, including Elroy the Armless Wonder, Britain's comic talent Lauri Lupino Lane (son of the "Lambeth Walk" creator), the ballet of Georges Reich, the 22 musicians and dancers of the Scottish Royal Kiltie Juniors Band, the American singing stars the Peters Sisters, the harmonica talents of Larry Adler, and even the "Cake Walk". Gala performances included great stage and film stars like Fernandel, Edith Piaf, Josephine Baker, and the French heart-throb singer Charles Trenet. In 1936, Jerome Medrano was successfully running three circuses under the Medrano title, one in Paris, one in a semi-permanent construction in leading provincial towns, and one in a vast big top which toured France. Financial problems, however, caused by divorce from his first wife, Rachel Baquet, from a French circus family, whom he had married while in his early twenties, put paid to these extra activities in the summer of 1937. Joining the Navy in the Second World War, Medrano came to Britain as part of the Free French secret service, undertaking dangerous missions for the French Resistance. In 1940 his circus in Paris was taken over by the occupying Germans, who installed a German circus to entertain their troops. Three years later, Medrano was back in charge, and produced the crazy burlesque show Les Chesterfolies with the comic Gilles Margaritis, a huge success repeated some time later with Robert Dhery and Christian Duvaleix of "La Plume de Ma Tante" fame (it ran for some time at the Adelphi Theatre, London before going to Broadway), and again in 1956 with the famous French clown Zavatta. Annie Fratellini, a descendent of the Trio Fratellinis, and herself one of the world's great clowns, made her debut at Cirque Medrano, and Buster Keaton staged a comeback as a comedian in the early 1950s, earning critical acclaim at a time when his career had all but ended in America. After the war, Medrano spent several years in America, but continued to send unusual attractions to the circus which was managed for him. In the early 1950s he married Violette Schmidt, a beautiful dancer of acrobatic skill, who had graced the stages of several Parisian theatres and who became a regular in his ring, both as an artiste and as a presenter. Ever mindful of the competition from the rival Cirque d'Hiver in Paris, Medrano continued to trawl for new acts. These included a complete Spanish circus, the German circus Carola Williams and the first complete troupe of the Hungarian State Circus outside its native environs. He even replaced the circus ring with an ice surface for a spectacular Circus on Ice starring Raymonde du Bief, and devised a way of suspending a huge, animal cage in the roof of the building that could be lowered into the ring in seconds, in which disported a group of snowy polar bears, presented by a Dutch girl on ice skates. Probably none of his discoveries was as unusual, however, as the trapeze artiste Barbette, the circus world's first and only transvestite star. Other attractions included Don Saunders, from Britain, hailed as the "new Grock", who appeared there in 1956. By a cruel stroke of fate, Medrano lost his circus to his arch-rivals, the Bougliones of Cirque d'Hiver, who had acquired the ground lease of the building, and eventually reclaimed it from him. It closed as Cirque Medrano on 7 January 1963, and the Bouglione family ran it as Le Nouveau Cirque de Montmartre for a few years as well as turning it into a restaurant. Finally, it was demolished in November 1972 and has been replaced by an apartment block, Le Bouglione. While demolition proceeded, the clown Achille Zavatta, a former star at Cirque Medrano, visited in full clown make-up and costume, bearing a wreath, his eyes filled with tears at the death of a circus. For over 30 years, since Medrano's closure, Jerome and Violette lived in Monaco. Here they attended the International Circus Festivals promoted by Prince Rainier each January. Jerome Medrano was enshrined into the International Circus Hall of Fame in Peru, Indiana in 1996. His body was interred in the Medrano family vault at the little cemetery in Montmartre, close to the site of his cherished Cirque Medrano. Jerome Medrano, circus owner: born Paris 18 May 1907; married firstly Rachel Baquet (marriage dissolved 1937), secondly Denise Baillard (divorced 1958; two sons), 1958 Violette Schmidt (one son, one daughter); died Monaco 14 November 1998. More about:	i don't know
On which ship did Doctor Crippen attempt to escape from Britain?	BBC News - Dr Crippen's relative fails in bid to secure pardon Dr Crippen's relative fails in bid to secure pardon Dr Crippen was convicted of killing his wife and hanged in 1910 A distant US relative of Dr Hawley Crippen, executed in London in 1910 for murdering his wife, has failed in a bid to secure a posthumous pardon for him. The Criminal Cases Review Commission refused to send the case back to the Court of Appeal, saying the applicant was not a "properly interested person". James Patrick Crippen, 73, of Ohio, a second cousin three times removed, said he was "disappointed" by the decision. He argues remains found at Crippen's home were not those of his wife, Cora. He said DNA tests had proved this, casting serious doubt over his ancestor's conviction. James Crippen has been fighting for years for an appeal, a royal pardon and the release of his relative's remains, which are buried in the grounds of Pentonville Prison, London. Mr Crippen, who lives in Dayton, told the BBC News website: "It's an embarrassment to the British courts to have to admit, after 100 years, that the gentleman was innocent. "They didn't want to review the case - it's so old they felt they shouldn't change it. They just leave our name in disrespect." The former marketing manager said he would be consulting his UK lawyers about the "other avenues". Failed test The Criminal Cases Review Commission (CCRC) decided James Crippen was not a "properly interested person" in the case and there was no real possibility the Court of Appeal would hear it. The commission said in cases where the person whose conviction is to be appealed against was dead, the request must come from someone "approved" by the Court of Appeal. Crippen and his mistress Ethel Le Neve went on trial at the Old Bailey That person should be the widow or widower, "personal representative", or a relative who has a "substantial financial or other interest" in the appeal. "Without an individual who has a real possibility of being approved by the Court of Appeal, there could be no court hearing and so no purpose would be served by the commission carrying out a review of the case," said a CCRC spokesman. The commission, which had received the request in May, said it considered the application "impartially and in detail" but concluded last month that James Crippen did not meet the test. It is understood the CCRC did not examine the grounds for the appeal. The CCRC spokesman said Mr Crippen's representatives could apply to the Administrative Court for permission to seek a judicial review of the decision. The appeal was launched after scientists at Michigan State University claimed to have obtained DNA evidence in 2007. The researchers said they had tracked down three of Mrs Crippen's grandnieces and compared their DNA with samples from the body which had been kept on a microscope slide since the Old Bailey trial. Trans-Atlantic dash The Crippen case is one of the most notorious in British criminal history. After hiding his wife's remains under a cellar, the US-born doctor tried to escape to Canada on the SS Montrose with his lover Ethel Le Neve, who was disguised as a boy. But he was caught after the ship's captain recognised him from newspaper reports and alerted Scotland Yard. The Montrose was the first ship to carry Marconi's new telegram system and Crippen famously became the first criminal in history to be arrested thanks to such technology. He was arrested at sea and brought back to Britain after Inspector Walter Dew made a trans-Atlantic dash in a faster vessel. Crippen was found guilty and hanged at Pentonville Prison in November 1910. Le Neve, who was tried separately for complicity in the killing, was acquitted. Bookmark with:	SS Montrose
Maseru is the capital of which African Country?	The Body In The Cellar: Dr Crippen\|MurderMap - London Homicide Reported Direct from The Old Bailey Case synopsis: The name of Dr Crippen still resonates more than 100 years after the murder of his wife became an international sensation. Born in Michigan, USA, as Hawley Harvey Crippen, he was not a real doctor but a promoter of homeopathic remedies. It was to pursue his career that in 1900 he and his wife Cora, a mediocre music hall performer (below left), travelled to London. But by 1910 he had lost his job and was sliding towards financial disaster due to an expensive affair with his 27 year-old secretary and a risky investment in a new business. His solution was to murder his wife of 17 years, dispose of her body, pawn her valuables and plunder her savings. Murdered?: Cora Crippen as Belle Elmore The killing, in the early hours of February 1, 1910, was carried out so successfully that it is still unclear how exactly he did it. His plan might have worked had it not been for the contradictory accounts he gave for his wife's disappearance and his lover Ethel Le Neve's fondness for wearing Cora Crippen's jewellery and furs. The police were informed and interviewed Crippen, who claimed his wife had left him for another man. An initial search of the Crippen home at 39 Hilldrop Crescent in Holloway, north London, revealed no sign anything suspicious had taken place. But suddenly, fearful it was only a matter of time before he would be caught, Crippen and his lover fled the country and boarded a boat from Antwerp to Canada. Their flight prompted detectives to search the house again and this time they found a shallow grave in the cellar. There was no head, limbs or skeleton. All that remained of Cora Crippen were a few scraps of flesh, some bleached blonde hair and fragments of a pyjama jacket. The discovery on July 13 sparked one of the most notorious manhunts in British history as police put up a reward of £250 (roughly £100,000 in 2010). In an attempt to disguise their true identities, Crippen shaved off his distinctive moustache and Le Neve dressed up as a boy in trousers, jacket, shirt and hat. The ruse did not fool the captain of the ss Montrose Harry Kendall, who used the then-newfangled telegraph to message his head office: "Have strong suspicions that Crippen London cellar murderer and accomplice are among saloon passengers. Mustache taken off growing beard. Accomplice dressed as boy. Manner and build undoubtedly a girl." As a result, Police Chief Inspector Dew was able to catch a faster ship and intercept the pair at Quebec on July 31, making Crippen the first criminal to be caught with the help of wireless communication. It has been reported that when confronted Crippen replied "Thank God it's over. The suspense has been too great. I couldn't stand it any longer." Crippen's trial began on 18 October 1910, just two-and-a-half months later, at which it was claimed the remains in the cellar could be identified as those of Cora Crippen by a scar on a piece of abdominal tissue (pictured right). The prosecution pathologist, Dr Bernard Spilsbury, said he had found evidence she was poisoned with Hyoscine, a chemical obtained from the nightshade family of plants. Crippen had collected the drug from a shop in New Oxford Street two weeks before the murder. He had also pawned a diamond ring hours after killing his wife and nearly £200 cash had been taken out of Cora's account between 5 April and 17 June 1910. In his evidence on oath, Crippen said that his wife had often threatened to leave him and had picked a quarrel with him over his behaviour while they were having friends round for dinner. Recounting the last time he saw her, he said: She abused me, and said some very strong things; she said that if I could not be a gentleman she had had enough of it and could not stand it any longer and she was going to leave. That was similar to her former threats, but she said besides something she had not said before; she said that after she had gone it would be necessary for me to cover up any scandal there might be by her leaving me, and I might do it in the very best way I could. I came back the next day at my usual time, which would be about half-past seven or eight o'clock, and found that the house was vacant. The jury took just 27 minutes to reject Crippen's explanations for his wife's disappearance and convict him of murder. Crippen was executed on 23 November 1910, less than four months after his arrest. His last request was to have a photo of Ethel Le Neve in his top pocket when he was hanged. He was buried in the cemetery at Pentonville prison. Le Neve was cleared of being an accessory after the fact and left for New York. She returned a few years later, got married and lived in Croydon until her death aged 84 in 1967. The scene of the murder also vanished, destroyed by a bomb in World War Two and replaced with a block of flats. But even now the case remains controversial. In 2007 it was claimed that DNA testing of the preserved scar tissue proved the human remains were in fact male and not those of Cora Crippen. Two years later in December 2009 the Criminal Cases Review Commission decided not to refer it to the Court of Appeal. An illicit photo of Crippen and Le Neve at Bow Street Magistrates Court _______________________ Sources and further reading: The court case transcript can be found here at the online Proceedings of the Old Bailey , including Crippen's evidence. This case is covered in depth on several websites including the Metropolitan Police website , www.stephen-stratford.co.uk , and Wikipedia. Pictures of Ethel le Neve, Cora Crippen and the scene of the crime can be found at knowledgeoflondon.com	i don't know
How many Years of marriage does a crystal wedding anniversary celebrate?	Wedding Anniversary List: Names by Years Married - Disabled World Wedding Anniversary List: Names by Years Married Print Published: 2011-06-27 (Rev. 2015-06-04) - Contact: Ian Langtree at Disabled World Synopsis: A list of wedding anniversaries by year that includes the names of materials symbols and flowers associated with the anniversary. About Wedding Anniversary A wedding anniversary is defined as the anniversary of the date a wedding took place. Traditional names exist for some of them: for instance, 50 years of marriage is called a "golden wedding anniversary" or simply a "golden anniversary" or "golden wedding". Main Document "In the United States, one can receive a greeting from the President for any wedding anniversary on or after the 50th." What is a Wedding Anniversary? A wedding anniversary is the anniversary of the date a wedding took place. On a wedding anniversary in many countries it is traditional to give a gift to your partner (or couples) that symbolize the number of years of marriage. The names of some wedding anniversaries provide guidance for appropriate or traditional gifts for the spouses to give each other; if there is a party to celebrate the wedding anniversary these gifts can be brought by the guests and/or influence the theme or decoration of the venue. Jump-To: Ring Size Chart Lists of wedding anniversary gifts vary by country. Listed below is a list of wedding anniversaries by year that includes materials, symbols, and flowers associated with the occasion. Wedding anniversary names common to most nations include: Wooden (5th), Tin (10th), Crystal (15th), China (20th), Silver (25th), Pearl (30th), Ruby (40th), Golden (50th), and Diamond (60th). Wedding Anniversary Gifts List 77.4 Facts: Wedding Anniversary The celebration of wedding anniversaries dates back to Roman times when husbands gave their wives a silver wreath for 25 years of marriage, and a gold wreath for 50. Today there are traditional and modern materials related to each wedding anniversary, usually progressing from the weakest to the strongest as the years go by, to symbolize the strengthening of the relationship. In the United States, one can receive a greeting from the President for any wedding anniversary on or after the 50th. In the British Commonwealth domains you may receive a message from the monarch for your 60th, 65th, and 70th wedding anniversaries, and any wedding anniversary after that by applying to Buckingham Palace in the U.K., or to the Governor-General's office in the other Commonwealth realms. An exception being Australia and Canada. The delivery of congratulatory messages marking 100th birthdays and 60th wedding anniversaries is arranged by the Anniversaries Office at Buckingham Palace. In Canada you may also receive a message from the Governor General for the 50th anniversary, and every 5th anniversary after that. In Australia may receive a letter of congratulations from the Governor General on the 50th and all subsequent wedding anniversaries; the Prime Minister, the federal Opposition leader, local members of parliament (both state and federal), and state Governors may also send salutations for the same anniversaries. Roman Catholics may apply for a Papal blessing through their local diocese for wedding anniversaries of a special nature such as their 25th, 50th, 60th, etc. anniversaries.	fifteen
The T.V. documentary series 'Scrappers ' centres around a scrap-yard in which north-west town?	Wedding anniversaries and birthstones, the name given for each year of marriage, appropriate gifts for each year from 1st to 80th anniversay. The 1st is PAPER, on which you can write The 2nd is COTTON, all crisp and white, The 3rd is LEATHER, a bag or some gloves, The 4th is BOOKS, Lady Chatterley's loves! The 5th is WOOD, a box full of dreams, The 6th is IRON, metal not steam The 7th is WOOL, soft and warm The 8th is BRONZE, metal in an elegant form The 9th is COPPER, and 10th is TIN, If you have got this far you are bound to win. The 11th is STEEL, so shiny and bright The 12th is SILK, so soft and so light, The 13th is LACE, maybe a cloth for a tray, The 14th is IVORY, leave it for Jumbo, Its better that way! (Years 11 - 15 were kindly contributed by Polly & Mike Kelly) The 15th is CRYSTAL, cut glass at its best, The 20th CHINA, cups, plates and the rest, The 25th is SILVER - really swell The 30th is PEARL - from an oyster's shell The 35th is CORAL, from under the sea The 40th is RUBY, as red as red can be The 45th is SAPPHIRE - precious and blue The 50th is GOLDEN - Congratulations to you! The 55th is EMERALD - so green and so pure, The 60th DIAMOND - an achievement for sure. The 65th BLUE SAPPHIRE, and 70th PLATINUM The last two which are reached by some The 75th is DIAMOND AND GOLD The 80th OAK ** Or something suitable for the very old! (but probably not matching oak coffins as suggested by Jake Kydd)	i don't know
Which female figure is the French equivalent of Britannia?	Columbia Gem of the Ocean - YouTube Columbia Gem of the Ocean Want to watch this again later? Sign in to add this video to a playlist. Need to report the video? Sign in to report inappropriate content. Rating is available when the video has been rented. This feature is not available right now. Please try again later. Published on Jan 14, 2013 "Columbia" was a common poetic nickname for the United States of America in the 19th century. Graphically, in illustrations and cartoons, the United States was often represented by a heroic female figure named Columbia, dressed in flag-like bunting. Other nations used similar figures, notably the French Marianne, and the British Britannia. Category	Marianne
Which maligned Biblical figure was the father of Enoch?	Dictionary of France - M - M6 to Mutuelle - About-France.com Z M 6 - The sixth French TV channel; a commercial channel, M6 is more youth oriented, innovative and and cheeky than the main channels. Macadam - Monthly magazine sold on the streets of French cities by the homeless ( SDF ) and unemployed. Vendors get to keep at least 1€ from the cover price of 2 €. The French equivalent of Britain's "Big Issue" or Germany's "Asphalt", Macadam is affiliated to the International Network of Street Papers. Macron, Emmanuel. Born 1977, Emmanuel Macron came into the public eye when in 2014 he was appointed economic advisor to President François Hollande. At the start of his career Macron was a senior civil servant in the Inspectorate of Finances at the Ministry of the Economy. He then joined Rothschilds investment bank. In 2012 he joined President Hollande's team of advisers, and later in 2014 was appointed to the post of Minister of the Economy in the first Valls administration. His profile as a former investment banker did not go down well with the left wing of Hollande's government, and nor did his liberalising economic policies. His economic reform package that came in in 2015, and is known as the Loi Macron, included rolling back restrictions on Sunday trading, opening up the intercity bus and coach market to private competition, and attacking restrictive practices in France's regulated professions (legal professions, pharmacists, bailiffs etc.). In 2015 he founded his own political movement (not a party) called En Marche (perhaps best translated as Just do it) and subsequently announced that he was standing for the presidency as an anti-system independent in the 2017 Presidential elections. Madelin, Alain : Born 1946. Former minister, Alain Madelin is renowned as the most strident defender of economic liberalism in France, during the early 1990s, at a time when " liberalism " was still the "L" word, even for many French conservatives. A right-wing activist during his student days, virulently anti-Socialist, Madelin later joined Giscard d'Estaing's centre-right UDF party. He held a number of ministerial portfolios, eventually being appointed Minister of Finance and the Economy by prime minister Edouard Balladur in 1995; Balladur however sacked him after three months, judging Madelin too liberal . In reality, Madelin was ahead of his times, and many of his economic ideas - aimed at freeing up the French economy - have since been put in place. In 1997, he became president of the Parti Républicain (PR), which he later renamed Démocratie Libérale (DL): in 2003 DL merged with the mainstream conservative UMP party. Madelin retired from politics in 2007. Maghrébins: People from North Africa, notably from the former French colonies or protectorates of Algeria, Morrocco, and Tunisia. French national censuses do not include questions about ethnicity, but it is estimated that about 5% of the population of modern Frence (some 3 million people) are partly or fully of Maghreban descent. Magny Cours. French motor racing circuit, near Nevers in the Nièvre department, some 250 km south of Paris, formerly site of French Formula 1 Grand Prix races. MAIF : large insurance cooperative (friendly society), only open to active or retired employees of the French state education service. The MAIF was reputed to offer very competitive insurance rates; today it is particularly appreciated as an honest insurer and one which pays up quite fast when a claim is made. Maire : Mayor, the chief executive of a Commune, or municipality. Amont the many functions of French mayors are that of officiating at marriages. Mayors are elected for a six-year term in office, by municipal councillors, following a municipal election. The person chosen is generally the leader of the "list" which gained the majority of seats on the council following the election. Mairie: Municipal offices, building housing the main administrative office or offices (depending on the size) of a commune or a town. Mairies are responsible for the management of local services and local administrative formalities, such as the registration of births, deaths and marriages. Maître de Conférences: tenured university lecturer or senior lecturer. Maîtrise : Old type of masters degree, generally obtained following the successful completion of four years of higher education. Following reform of the higher education system in France in the early 2000s, and adoption of the European "Bologna" system, the maîtrise was phased out, and replaced by a new five-year master's qualification, known as the "Master" (pronounced Mast-air). Mammouth : The original brand of French hypermarket. The first Mammouth opened in 1969, the last one closed in 1996. Manif, short for Manifestation. See Demonstration Manifestation, see Demonstration Marc: in its most widespread usage, marc is a high alcohol spirit produced from the residues left after fruit has been pressed to produce other drinks, such as wine or cider. The commonest form of marc is marc de raison, a strong clear spirit prodced from the post-fermentation of pressed grapes. Like Cognac and other digestifs, marc is traditionally drunk as a digestif at the end of a long meal. A small glass of marc is offened referred to as a "pousse-café". Marchais, Georges : (1920 - 1997) First secretary of the French Communist Party (PCF) from 1972 to 1994. Marchais was very much a mainstream politician in France; when he took over the party, it was the biggest political party of the left in rench politics, and attracted the votes of about 20% of the French electorate. In the ensuing years, the PCF was overtaken by the rise of the new Socialist Party, led by François Mitterrand, and Marchais could do little or nothing to stop the decline. Though he admitted that the French Communist Party had been "stalinist" in its past, he did little to modernise it. A member of the French parliament from 1973 to 1997, and also MEP from 1979 to 1989 (See cumul des mandats ), he was never a minister, in spite of the Communists' participation in the Left wing union (Union de la Gauche) government from 1982 to1984. Marché libre: On the stock exchange, French small caps market. Marée noire: literally black tide. Expression used to describe marine or coastal oil spillages leading to serious pollution of the shoreline. Marianne: 1. Marianne is to France what Britannia is to Britain, an allegorical female icon symbolic of the nation. The bust of Marianne, often capped with the revolutionary Phrygian bonnet, adorns many town halls and official buildings. Marianne is supposed to be the incarnation of the spirit of the French Revolution, which is still seen (rightly or wrongly) as being the defining moment in the development of the modern French nation. The image of Marianne has featured almost permanently on French postage stamps (definitive issues), as well as on many coins. In recent years, top models and film stars have posed as models for official sculptures of Marianne. They include Brigitte Bardot, Catherine Deneuve, Laetitia Casta and Evelyne Thomas. Marianne: 2. The name of a weekly newsmagazine founded in 1997. Marianne presents itself as being a magazine of the "radical centre", uncompromisingly opposed to both the left-wing "neo-gauchisme" and the right-wing "neo-libéralisme" (neoconservativism). Marseillaise. La Marseillaise is the French national anthem. Written by a little known soldier-poet called Rouget de Lisle, it was originally, in 1792, a battle song for the French Rhine armies. It was adopted as national anthem on July 14th 1795. Martinique : French overseas department, situated in the Caribbean. Massif Central : large area of uplands, covering central southern France from the Rhone to the western coastal plains. it includes most of the regions of the Auvergne and the Limousin, and parts of Rhone-Alpes, Aquitaine, Midi-Pyrénées, and Languedoc . Large parts of the Massif Central are sparsely populated, notably the Cantal, the Creuse, the Aveyron, and Lozère departments, and part of the Haute Loire. With just 15 inhabitants per km², the Lozère department, which includes the uplands of the Aubrac and part of the Causses, is the most sparsely populated department in metropolitan France. Master : First postgraduate degree, awarded after five years of higher education. the Master replaced the Maîtrise (see above) following the LMD reform of higher education in the early 2000s Maths-sup: See under Classes Préparatoires Matignon, Hôtel de : Official Paris residence of the French Prime Minister. The word "Matignon" is often used, in the same way as "Downing Street" is used in Britain, to designate the Prime Minister's office. Mauroy, Pierre (born 1928). French socialist politician, Prime Minister from 1981 to 1984, at the start of the first Mitterrand presidency. A stalwart Socialist, Mauroy was Mitterrand's first prime minister, and led the government in the early years of the presidency, when policies were most left-wing, and included a programme of nationalisation (at a time when other nations were doing the reverse), a lowering of the retirement age, and the reduction of the working week to 39 hours. As well as playing a major role in the Socialist party from its creation in 1969, he was mayor of the city of Lille from 1973 to 2001, and also the city's Député, a classic example of cumul des mandats . May 1st : Le Premier Mai, La Journée du Travail - Labour Day, a public holiday in France, when trade unions traditionally organise parades through French towns and cities. May 8th Le Huit Mai: VE Day. Anniversary of the signing of the Armistice at the end of World War II in europe. A public holiday in France. Mazarine : Mazarine Pingeot born 1974 - A French writer, daughter of François Mitterrand. In 1994, the magazine Paris Match revealed that President François Mitterrand had for 20 years hidden the fact that he had a daughter, through an extramarital liaison. The "Mazarine affair", which might have cause the downfall of senior politicians in many countries, cused little more than the raising of a few eyebrows in France. Médecin conventionné : Doctor approved by the French health service. Most doctors working in France are "conventionnés". See health care in France . Médecin de garde : Duty doctor, duty physician. In most French towns, the doctor/s who is/are on call at nights and during the weekend, when most other doctors' surgeries are closed. See health care Médecin, Jacques : (1928 - 1998) Long-serving mayor of Nice (1966-1990), and son of a previous mayor of the city. The Medecin family dominated politics in Nice for over half a century, like a family of local princes. His career came to a stuttering end in the late 1980s, following the first of a series of indictments for improprieties in the management of local affairs, including corruption and tax fraud. He fled to Uruguay in 1990, but was extradited in 1994, and spent two years in prison. On release, he returned to Uruguay, where he died two years later. Médecins sans Frontières, MSF - Doctors without borders - Major French medical NGO, providing medical assistance worldwide, notably in times of war and famine. Founded by Bernard Kouchner , currently (2009) French Foreign Secretary. MEDEF - Mouvement des Entreprises de France: The French Employers' organisation, which in 1998 replaced the earlier CNPF (Conseil National du Patronat Français). It is the French equivalent of Britain's CBI. Also referred to sometimes as le Patronat (litterally "the bosses"), the MEDEF is one of the partenaires sociaux , representing employers in discussions or negotiations with trade unions and/or the government. Médiateur de la République: the French equivalent of the U.K’s Ombudsman, an independent arbitrator whose job is to solve conflicts between induviduals and the state. Individual citizens wishing to use the services of the Médiateur cannot apply directly, but must do so by first contacting their local M.P. ( Député ). Médoc wines. The Médoc, the region south of the Gironde estuary to the north west of Bordeaux, is the home of many of France's most prestigious wines. Among the famous appellations produced in this area are Saint Estèphe, Margaux, Saint Julien and Pauillac. for more details see Wines page. Megret, Bruno - French right-wing politician, and MEP (1989 - 1999), who broke away from Jean-Marie Le Pen's National Front party in 1998 to form his own MNR, Mouvement National Républicain, party. He retired from politics in 2008. Menu du jour : the day's special menu in a resturant, usually offered at a discount rate compared to other comparable dishes. Mercantour - One of France's six national parks, located in the high Alps, on the Italian border. Méridienne verte - A millennium project to mark the "Paris meridian" - slightly different from the Greenwich meridian - by the planting of a line of trees, from Dunkerque on the North Sea to Prats de Mollho on the Spanish border. Messmer, Pierre (1916 - 2007) : Prime minister of France 1972 - 1974 under President Pompidou. A historic figure of the Gaullist movement, and former colonial administrator, Messmer was de Gaulle's second-closest adviser. On the traditionalist wing of the Gaullist movement, he was Minister of the Armies at the time of the Algerian war of independence. Metro, the Paris. First opened in 1900, the Paris Metro (or Métropolitain) is the city's subway system or underground railway system. Most of the network within central Paris is underground, though there are some aerial sections, notably on routes 2 and 6. It is linked with the city's suburban rapid transit system, the RER. The Paris Metro is Europe's second most-used urban subway system after the Moscow underground. Most routes use standard gauge steel rail tracks, though five of the routes operate with rubber-tyred rolling stock, running on concrete tracks. These are considerably quieter than the traditional trains used on other routes. The most recent route, line 14, opened in 1998 and known as the "Météor", uses driverless trains. Metropolitan FranceContinental France, Corsica and smaller coastal islands. MGEN : Mutuelle Générale de l'Education Nationale : the health insurance mutual, for employees of the state education system in France. Michelin: One of France's older and biggest companies, a CAC 40 company, and the world's major tyre manufacturers (20% of the world market). Michelin is based in Clermont Ferrand (Auvergne), where it has a large research facility. Michelin has been responsible for many innovations in the history of the motor type, including the invention of the radial tyre (standard on modern vehicles) . Michelin also publish very popular maps of France and tourist guides. Midi : Litterally speaking, Midi means midday, but the word has come also to designate the south of France, i.e. the part over which the sun stands at midday, when seen from a northern perspective. As a spatial concept, the word Midi is very vague, and there is no specific point at which a traveller from the north enters the Midi. For some it is a small area, just including the Mediterranean coastal plain and its direct hinterland, a region characterised by mediterranean climate and vegetation. For others it is anywhere south of the level of Valence, or even south of a line betwen Lyon and Bordeaux. The word is included in the name of the region Midi Pyrénées (see below), which thus has a strong claim to be considered as part of the Midi. Alternatively, the Midi is perceived as equivalent to the historic area of Occitania, the southern half of France where people spoke dialects of Occitanian French rather than dialects of the standard French of the Ile de France. Midi Libre : Regional daily newspaper founded in 1944 in Montpellier, and distributed throughout the Languedoc region and the department of the Aveyron. Part of the Sud-Ouest news group since 2001. See longer article on Newspapers in France . Midi-Pyrénées : in terms of surface, the largest of France's administrative regions. Covering eight departments, the Midi Pyrenees, capital Toulouse, stretches from the Pyrenees to the Massif Central. It is largely rural and agricultural. Millau. Town in the Aveyron department, on the river Tarn, and site of the new Viaduc de Millau on the A75 motorway. Mimolette : A round cheese, made in the area of Lille in the north of France. Its orange colour is the result of the addition of natural coloring. The cheese was originally made as a French variation of the Dutch Edam cheese, to which it is very similar. Minitel A first generation computerised videotext system, the Minitel briefly put France into the position of world leader in videotext access. Launched in 1982, the Minitel system rapidly entered the majority of French households and offices thanks to a masterly government policy of offering the basic terminals free to all telephone subscribers. Several years before the Internet explosion, the Minitel offered French telephone subscribers free access to a range of information services, including national telephone directories; it also offered a number of pay-per-view services, receipts from which were designed to help pay back the investment in the system. However, the success of the Minitel was also instrumental in slowing down France's uptake of the Internet. While the government remained keen to protect and promote this French technological success in the face of competition from a foreign system, many Minitel service providers also had a good reason to defend the system too. Provision of information via the Minitel, charged by the second, rapidly became seen as a lucrative activity (notably for the "Minitel rose" sites) - far more so than via Internet, where most general information is provided free of charge to the viewer. This economic disincentive meant that many major French providers of Information, such as the SNCF, were reluctant to replace, or even complement, slow but profit-making Minitel services by faster free Internet services - thus delaying French uptake of the Internet. Minitel services were completely phased out in 2011. Minitel Rose. Name given collectively to the large number of soft-porn or erotic minitel chatlines that blossomed in the 1990's Mirage….. The generic name of the most famous family of French jet fighter planes, manufactured by the Dassault Aviation company . The first production Mirages, the Mirage III, entered service in 1961 with the French Air Force; the latest variant, the Mirage 2000, first entered service in 1987. Numerous upgrades of the Mirage 2000 have since been developed for French and other air forces. Mistral 1) The most famous of the winds to blow over France, the Mistral is the north wind that regularly blows down the Rhone valley, south of Lyon, usually bringing cold weather with clear skies to Provence. The Mistral is usually due either to northwest winds coming in off the Atlantic, or cold winds coming over from Central Europe. See Climate and weather. Mistral 2 ) Named after the wind, the luxurious express train that used to run daily from 1950 to 1982 between Paris and Nice. The train was first class only, had its own special rolling-stock, and included such sophistications as hostesses, a hardressing salon, and a secretarial service. The train was withdrawn in 1982, following the introduction of TGV services to Nice. Mitterrand, François (adj. Mittérandiste) (1916 - 1996) : Françoisz Mitterrand was the longest serving French president under the Fifth Republic. Mitterrand, a Socialist, served two full terms in office, from 1981 to 1995. He was also the oldest president of the Fifth republic, leaving the job at the age of 78. History will judge how successful Mitterrand was; adulated by his supporters, he was much maligned by his political opponents; but for the second period of both his terms, he was obliged to appoint a Prime Minister from the conservative opposition (leading to a state of " cohabitation " (q.v.)), following mid-term rejections of his socialist administrations. He will perhaps be remembered as an indecisive president; from 1981 to 1983, he oversaw left-wing policies, including the nationalisation of some banks and other major companies; but from 1983 onwards, this policy went into reverse, and from then on state companies were progressively privatized. He did much to free France from the tight constrictions of the Gaullist state, abolishing the death penalty and removing state control of the media; but he was party to a notorious act of international piracy, the sinking of the Greenpeace ship Rainbow Warrior in the harbour at Auckland, New Zealand, in which a Greenpeace activist was killed. Reelected in 1988, he pledged to follow a policy that was neither too left, nor too right. Known as the "ni-ni" policy ("neither nor" policy), this was frequently interpreted as being tantamount to no policy at all, and led to a crushing defeat for the Socialists in the 1993 general elections, as France's economic situation declined. Modèle français, le : The French socio-economic system, which for a long time was seen by the majority of people in France, of all political persuasions, as being more caring, more egalitarian, and preferable to the other major western socio-economic system, known to the French as le modèle anglo-saxon (and considered too libéral).. However, since the start of the 21st century, the shine has come off the concept of le modèle français, as a result of France's major social problems, including ethnic tensions (see les Banlieues) and unemployment, and economic problems. MoDem – Mouvement Démocrate : Centrist social-democratic political party formed from the remains of the old UDF by former minister and presidential candidate François Bayrou, in 2007. Monde, Le . The leading French quality daily national newpaper, filling in France a role occupied in the UK by the Times and the Guardian . Politically left of centre, it is a newspaper of informed discussion and debate on current affairs, economics, politics and social issues, and is the newpaper of the Establishment, the "paper of reference", read by large numbers of decisiion makers, notably in the civil service. It is published in Paris, and comes out every evening. Monde de l'éducation : Education supplement of the daily newspaper Le Monde; the nearest French equivalent to the Times Educational Supplement. Monde Diplomatique, le . Monthly supplement of Le Monde, devoted to critical analysis of political and economic issues. Though read by people of all shades of opinion in the French establishment and higher echelons of public service, le Monde Diplomatique, the paper, which defines itself as a "paper of opinion", is distinctly anti-neoliberal, and as such a firm critic of unbridled economic liberalism and consumerism. The paper is published worldwide, in 71 editions and 27 languages, and is seen to represent a certain French view, refusing subservience to the hegemony of American though and policy in the fields of social and economic affairs. Monoprix - Long-established chain of city-centre supermarkets / department stores, present in most French cities and large towns. the chain currently belongs to the Casino retail group,. Mont Blanc, tunnel du : Road tunnel under Mont Blanc, in the French alps, linking France and Italy. The tunnel is a vital transalpine link, and was opened in 1965. In 1999, it was closed following a major fire, in which 56 people lost their lives. It has since reopened, following major improvements to safety systems Mont Blanc. Mountain in the French Alps, near Chamonix. The highest peak in France and in Western Europe, altitude 4807 metres. The Mont Blanc range has the distinction of being home to the only real glacier in Western Europe, the Mer de Glace. The peak of Mont Blanc is on the Franco-Italian border ….(See also Mont Blanc, tunnel du) Mont Saint Michel - One of France's major tourist sites, and a UNESCO World Heritage site, the Mont St. Michel is a mediaeval abbey perched on a rock jutting up in the middle of the sand flats and shallow water of a large bay on the north coast of France, between Normandy and Brittany . Mont d'Or : One of the famous cheeses of the Franche Comté region, Mont d'Or, also known as Vacherin, is a cheese that was traditionally only available in winter and spring. See under Cheeses . Montagne, La - Regional newspaper covering the Massif Central area of central southern France. Published in Clermont Ferrand. Montmartre - small hill in the north of Paris, site of the Sacré Coeur basilica, and narrow streets reputed as the capital's artists' quarter. Montparnasse, Gare - One of the main railway termini in Paris, serving much of central western France. the Gare Montparnasse is the Paris terminus for all western TGV lines. See rail travel in France Morvan : northern spur of the Central Massif, between the Loire and the Seine, in the region of Burgundy. Highest point, le Haut Folin (901 metres). The Morvan is a Regional Natural Park (Parc naturel Régional, q.v.). Mouvement pour la France - MPF : Right-wing political party, considered rather more respectable than the Front National . Though defending many of the same values as the FN, the RPF recuses the term 'nationalist', preferring 'souverainiste' - or 'sovereignist'. The MPF derives an aura of respectability from its leader, Philippe de Villiers , the aristocratic and popular President of the General Council of the Vendée department, formerly a member of the UDF party, and a minister in the second Chirac government. Thanks to various electoral alliances, and to its popularity in the Vendée region, the MPF has been able to maintain a presence in national and European parliaments, currently having two Députés in the National Assembly. The MPF is a very conservative party standing for traditional Christian values; though Eurosceptic, it does not call for France's withdrawal from the EU. Municipales, élections. Local elections taking place every six years, to elect a mayor and municipal council for each of France's 36,000 communes Munster - A fairly strong rind-washed soft cheese from the Vosges mountains in Eastern France. Munster is definitely not a cheese for those who do not like strong tasting varieties. More details under Cheeses . Mutuelle: Mutual society, cooperative, particularly in the field of insurance, banking or health cover.	i don't know
What name is given to the Japanese verse form arranged in three lines of five, seven and five syllables?	what is haiku? > A Japanese poem composed of three unrhymed lines of five, seven and five syllables. Haiku often reflect on some aspect of nature www.nps.gov/efmo/parks/glossary.htm (plural: Haiku, from archaic Japanese Haikai): A poetic form derived from Japanese literature. The haiku traditionally consists of three lines. The first line contains five syllables, the second line contains seven, and the last line five. The traditional subject-matter is a description of a location, natural phenomona, or wildlife, which is described in a poetic manner without authorial commentary or moral judgment explicitly stated. More information will be forthcoming. guweb2.gonzaga.edu/faculty/wheeler/lit_terms_H.html A haiku is a Japanese poem having three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables. Traditionally it concerns nature, the seasons, or an aspect of the natural world. community.middlebury.edu/~asantolu/glossary.htm www.writefromhome.com/writingtradearticles/197.htm Haiku is a form of Japanese poetry that does not rhyme. Haiku poetry always has three lines of verse, with strict rules on the numbers of syllables for each line. The first line has five, the second line has seven, and the last line has five syllables. 164.109.43.23/GEP/documents/oth/teamlyc/glossary.htm – A 17 syllable form of Japanese poetry that consists of three unrhymed lines of five, seven and five syllables www.migrant.org/assets/literature/literary_glossary.cfm Is an unrhymed Japanses poem recording the essence of a moment keenly percieved, where nature is linked to human nature. There poems are usually written in three lines of 5, 7, and 5 syllables. Example 1:page 730 Japanese haiku by Matsuo Basho Silent and still: then Even sinking into the rocks, The cicada's screech. Example 2: page 731 (not always consistant with the traditional subject matter.) Widow's Lament by: Richard Brautigan It's not quite cold enough to go borrow soome firewood from the neighbors Example 3: page 731 Hokku Poems by: Richard Wright I am nobody A red sinking autumn sun Took my name away Make up your mind snail! You are half inside your house And halfway out! In the fallling snow A laughing boy holds out him paalms Until they are white Keep straight down this block Then turn right where you will find A peach tree blooming Wiith a twitching nose A d og reads a telegram On a wet tree trunk The spring lingers oon In the scent of a damp dog Rotting in the sun www.northern.edu/benkertl/poetry_dictionary.html An unrhymed Japanese poem consisting of three lines with five, seven, and five syllables, respectively. Kabuki: (pg. 241) Japanese plays in which all the parts are played by men. Origins were in performances of wandering ballad singers and dancers, who acted out stories by dancing and gesturing. A rich blend of music, dance and mime and involved spectacular staging and costumes. Play's subjects ranged from adventures of brave samurai to tales of romance. Still popular today. Kami: Name given to divine spirits. Noh drama: (pg. 236) Developed from both Shinto and Buddhist forms of worship. A masked dancer, supported by minor players and a chorus, presents a slow dance-drama. Actors wear lavish costumes, but the stage is bare. Script is poetic, and the plot is simple.	Haiku
Which Small Faces song gave M People a top twenty hit single in 1995?	Quia - 9th Grade Literature and Composition EOCT GPS - Literary Analysis Java Games: Flashcards, matching, concentration, and word search. 9th Grade Literature and Composition EOCT GPS - Literary Analysis Tools GA EOCT 9th Grade Literature Literary Analysis Section A B Almanac This is a magazine or book that contains weather forecasts, statistics, or other information of use or interest to readers. Antonym This is a word or phrase that means the opposite of another word or phrase. Argumentation This is the kind of writing that tries to persuade readers to accept an author's opinions. Cause And Effect This is the relationship between two or more events in which one event brings about another. Cognate These are words that have a common origin. Controlling Image An image or metaphor that dominates a literary work, especially with respect to conveying a theme. Dialect This is a form of language that is characteristic of a particular place or by a particular group of people. Dialogue These are the words spoken by characters in a literary work. Dictionary This is a reference book containing an alphabetical list of words, with information given for each word, usually including meaning, pronunciation, and etymology. Editorial This is an article in a publication or a commentary on television or radio expressing the opinion of its editors, publishers, station, or network. Encyclopedia This is a comprehensive reference work containing articles on a wide range of subjects or on numerous aspects of a particular field, usually arranged alphabetically. Epistolary Novel This is a long story written as a letter. Essay This is a short, nonfiction work about a particular subject. Fact This is a statement that can be proved to be true. Fixed Form This means traditional verse form, or a poem that inherits from other poems certain familiar elements of structure including an unvarying number of lines, rhyme, meter, particular themes, tones, and other elements. Form This is the structure into which a piece of literature is organized. Genre This is the category or type of literature. Haiku This is a highly compressed form of Japanese poetry that creates a brief, clear picture in order to produce an emotional reaction in the reader. It relies upon images taken from nature and on the power of suggestion. It has three lines of five, seven, and five syllables each. Informal Language This is what people use in everyday speech. It usually consists of fairly short sentences and simple vocabulary. Journal This is a daily autobiographical account of events and personal reactions. Legend This is a story about mythical beings or supernatural events, usually originally told orally for generations before being written down. Letter This is a written communication or message addressed to a reader or readers that is usually sent by mail. Logic This is the reasoning used to reach a conclusion based on a set of assumptions, or it may be defined as the science of reasoning, proof, thinking, or inference. Memoir This is an account of the personal experiences of an author. Metaphor This is a direct comparison of two unlike things without using the words "like" or "as." Meter This is the rhythm or regular sound pattern in a piece of poetry. Motivation This is the wants, needs, or beliefs that cause a character to act or react in a particular way. Multicultural This relates to, or includes, several cultures rather than only a mainstream culture. Mythology This is a body or collection of tales belonging to a people and addressing their origin, history, deities, ancestors, and heroes. It explains the actions of gods and goddesses or the cause of natural phenomena and includes supernatural elements. Nonfiction This is factual writing that presents and explains ideas or that tells about real people, places, objects, or events. Opinion This is a statement that reflects a writer's belief about a topic , and it cannot be proved. Parallelism This is a persuasive technique in which an author creates a BALANCED sentence by re-using the same word structure. Poem This is an arrangement of words in verse. It sometimes rhymes, and expresses facts, emotions, or ideas in a style more concentrated, imaginative and powerful than that of ordinary speech. Primary Source This is an original document or firsthand account. Propaganda This is information that is spread for the purpose of promoting some cause. Rhetorical Strategy This is a plan an author uses to effectively deliver the intended message in written work. Secondary Source This is a commentary on an original document or firsthand account. Sequential Order This is the chronological, or time, order of events in a reading passage. Simile This is a comparison of two unlike things using the terms "like" or "as". Speech This is a talk or public address. Structure This refers to a writer's arrangement or overall design of a literary work. It is the way words, sentences, and paragraphs are organized to create a complete work. Subheading This is a short title within an article that identifies the beginning of each new topic. Subplot This is a secondary plot in a work of literature that either explains or helps to develop the main plot. Symbol This is a person, place, thing, or event that represents something more than itself in a literary work. Synonym This is a word or phrase that has the same or almost the same meaning as another word or phrase. Syntax This refers to the ordering of elements in a sentence. Text This is the main body of a piece of writing or any of the various forms in which writing exists, such as a book, a poem, an article, or a short story. Thesis Statement This is the way in which the main idea of a literary work is expressed, usually as a generalization that is supported with concrete evidence. Topic Sentence	i don't know
In which North East town is Bank Top Railway station?	History of Railways in County Durham - Waggonways History of Railways in County Durham History of Railways in County Durham This refers to the pre-1974 boundary of County Durham, after which Gateshead, South Tyneside, Sunderland, Darlington, Stockton on Tees and Hartlepool became independent local government authorities. Part of North Yorkshire is now in County Durham. National Grid references are shown to the nearest kilometre square. Please observe the COPYRIGHT of this website. Printing and copying should be for personal use only and NOT for commercial purposes. Category D - The 1951 plan to demolish coal mining villages in County Durham. www.disused-stations.org.uk - lists and photos of closed railway stations in the UK. Wooden Waggonways From the 1600s wooden waggonways took coal from pits in North Durham to staiths on the Tyne at Stella, Derwent Haugh and Dunston. Each single waggon was drawn by a horse. One horse could haul over 2 tons of coal. The speed was controlled by the waggonman using a brake or convoy which acted upon the rear wheels. Staiths were sheds at the river bank where valuable loaded coal waggons could be kept under cover. On arrival at the staith the horse was unhitched, then the waggon was pushed by the waggonman to a turntable inside the shed. The coal was teemed down the spout into the keel boat to be taken down river for transfer into sea-going collier ships. The empty waggon was pushed to another turntable to exit the shed and the horse was hitched for the return journey to the colliery. Wayleaves were financial agreements between landowners and those seeking permission to build a waggonway over their land. Access to valuable coal reserves could be blocked by landowners in favour of their own partners. Waggonways did not always take the the most direct way or easiest gradient because of obstruction by landowners. The wayleave specified the width needed, which could be 16 yards (about 14 metres) for double track on an embankment. Acts of Parliament were later used for railways to get compulsory purchase of the land. Cuttings and embankments (cuts and batteries) were made to gain an even road for the horses. This was a century before the canal era in Britain. Frames of wooden track were made up of rails and sleepers. The track gauge varied because the waggonways were not planned as a single system. To prolong the track life a second layer or double way of renewable rail was nailed on, allowing deeper ballast to keep the horses' hooves off the sleepers. Malleable iron plates were fixed to the rails where there was heavy wear. The simplest waggonways had a single track with passing places called bye stands or sidings at intervals. Double track had the full waggons going on the main way. The empty waggons returned on the bye way, which did not need to be so heavily constructed as the main way, or even follow the same route. The earliest waggonways served pits around the Whickham area. In the 1700s waggonways reached as far west as Mickley Moor NZ0861 and as far south as Pontop Pike NZ1452. A wooden waggonway ran from pits near Angel of the North NZ2657, following the Team Valley to Team Gut at Dunston. Prominent waggonway owners included Anne Clavering and the Liddell family of Ravensworth. Beamish Wooden Waggonways - There were two wooden waggonways from Beamish Mary Pit. It is not known if these waggonways were working at the same time in the 1700s. Beamish wooden waggonway ran from Beamish Mary Pit NZ2053 to the Great North Road at Pelaw Grange and down to the River Wear at Chartershaugh and Fatfield NZ3053. The A693 road follows the route at High Handenhold. Maps of Beamish Staiths at Fatfield, Coordinates 430940 East, 553680 North Geograph NZ3053 - British History - Microsoft Virtual Earth - Wikimapia - Google Maps - Old Maps The other 1700s Beamish wooden waggonway was a branch of the Tanfield Way, running northwest from Beamish Mary Pit NZ2053 towards the Blue Bell Inn and Causey Hall. The A6076 road follows the waggonway route in square NZ2054 near the Blue Bell. The waggonway joined the main Tanfield Way to the east of Causey Arch. Other wooden waggonways running to the Fatfield area included those owned by Dean Headworth (or Hedworth) and Thomas Allan (or Allen). William Joliffe's way ran from Waldridge Colliery NZ2550. www.pre-construct.com - Pre-Construct Archaeology Limited have done an archaeological survey of wooden waggonways at Harraton Colliery near Washington, June 2009. Chopwell Waggonway - A wooden waggonway ran from pits in the Chopwell area NZ1158 via Greenside NZ1462 to staiths at Stella NZ1763 on the River Tyne. Garesfield Waggonway began as a wooden waggonway from Garesfield Colliery NZ1359, following the River Derwent to Derwent Haugh NZ2063. The steep incline at High Thornley NZ1660 was later bypassed on a line to Winlaton Mill NZ1860. Some estimate that the route near Derwent Haugh was in use for 200 years. The Tanfield Railway began as a wooden waggonway over Causey Arch NZ2055 to the Tyne at Dunston or Redheugh. Geograph NZ2055 with photos of Causey Arch. Washington Wooden Waggonways - Lord Ravensworth's waggonway ran from Washington Colliery NZ3056 to Bill Quay NZ2962 on the River Tyne. The route took it along what was later known as Lingey Lane NZ2960 which was crossed by the 1826 line from Springwell Colliery to Jarrow. It is not known if the wooden waggonway survived after this. In the early 20th century the New Road was built from Usworth to Wardley using the route of the wooden waggonway. Another waggonway ran from Washington Colliery to Washington Staiths NZ3255 on the River Wear. This waggonway later got iron rails. It survived to be part of the National Coal Board. Oxclose Waggonway ran from Oxclose Colliery to Washington Staiths. Lambton Wooden Waggonway to Penshaw - The Lambton Railway began as a horse-drawn wooden waggonway from Lambton Pits to Low Lambton Staiths NZ3254 at Penshaw. From the Industrial Archaeology Review , Abstracts of Volume XX 1998:- "The timber waggonway tracks at the site of the former Lambton Colliery or Bournmoor D Pit at Fencehouses, near Sunderland are the best preserved and most substantial early wooden railway remains yet to be uncovered in this country". The eighteenth century waggonway was discovered in 1996 during land reclamation at the former Lambton Coke Works. Coal would have been taken by horse-drawn waggons to the River Wear. Railway Magazine No.1235 Vol 150, March 2004 - There is an article and photographs of this wooden waggonway by Dr.Michael Lewis and Ian Ayris. The gauge of the track is 4 feet 2 inches (1270 mm). The points or switches have modern style check rails and two point blades. Earlier track junctions are thought to have had only one long point blade to keep the way clear for the horse as it walked between the rails. SINE Project - a detailed description and photographs of the wooden waggonway discovery at Bournmoor. The Londonderry Railway began as a wooden waggonway from the Londonderry pits to Penshaw (or Painshaw) Staiths. The last wooden waggonways were still in use in the 1820s, long after cast iron rails had been introduced. Iron rails had a lower rolling resistance, allowing a horse to haul a train of waggons. Iron Railways Beamish Waggonway ran from Beamish Mary Pit NZ2053 to the Great North Road. The 1890s Ordnance Survey map shows the waggonway making an S-bend to join the Stanhope and Tyne route at Beamish Junction. Beamish Waggonway survived until the 1960s as part of the National Coal Board. Lambton Railway - Newbottle Colliery NZ3351 was a group of pits owned by John Neasham (or Nesham). In about 1812 a rope-hauled waggonway was built from Dorothea Pit via West Herrington and Grindon Hill NZ3654 to Sunderland. This was called the Newbottle or Philadelphia waggonway. In 1819 Newbottle Colliery was purchased by John Lambton. A new Lambton Railway was built via Hasting Hill to Sunderland. The route was from Dorothea Pit to Herrington Engine, Fox Cover Engine and Grindon Engine, joining the Philadelphia route near Grindon Hall. Arch Engine NZ3755 is now covered by the A183 Broadway which replaced the old wandering Chester Road, now Melbourne Place. Glebe Engine NZ3856 is now covered by the Hospital on Chester Road. In 1865 the Lambton Railway got running rights over the NER main line from Cox Green to Sunderland, so the waggonway over Hasting Hill was no longer needed. Little trace of it remains on the 1890s Ordnance Survey map. Rope haulage and locomotives were used on branches from pits at Sherburn House NZ3241, Littletown NZ3343, Houghton-le-Spring NZ3350, Frankland NZ2945 and Lumley NZ2948. Locomotives were overhauled at Philadelphia Lambton Engine Works NZ3352. Pits at Cater House NZ2645 and Framwellgate Moor sent their coal to the Frankland Branch of the Lambton Railway. After amalgamations in 1911 and 1924 the Lambton Railway became the Lambton, Hetton and Joicey Railway. It was nationalised in 1947 and closed in 1967. The Londonderry Railway - Inclined planes reached from Alexandrina Pit NZ3346, Adventure Pit NZ3147 and Pittington NZ3344 to Penshaw (or Painshaw) Staiths. The Londonderry Railway by George Hardy. Published by Goose & Son 1973, ISBN 0900404159 - Introduced by Charles E Lee, with an account presented in 1902 to the Society of Antiquaries by William Weaver Tomlinson entitled "The Duke of Wellington on a North Country waggonway". This journey took place in 1827 on the rope-hauled Londonderry Railway from Pittington Hallgarth via Benridge Bank Top and the Plain Pit to Colliery Row (then called Vienna). Near there he examined a locomotive engine or steam elephant. The journey continued via Dubmires to the engine house at Penshaw. A special carriage was used. Chopwell Waggonway - In the 1890s a new waggonway ran from Chopwell Colliery NZ1158 to the Garesfield Waggonway NZ1359 at High Spen. There was a narrow gauge tramway from Whittonstall Drift Mine NZ0857 to Chopwell Colliery. Greenside Colliery Waggonway ran from Greenside Colliery NZ1361 to Stargate Pit NZ1663 and Addison Colliery NZ1664 on the Newcastle and Carlisle line. Part of the route was previously a wooden waggonway near Stephens Hall NZ1562. Towneley Main Waggonway ran from Emma Pit NZ1463 to Stargate Pit and Stella. Part of the route was previously a wooden waggonway and is now used by the modern A695 road at Stargate. The Tanfield Railway - In 1839 the Brandling Junction Railway laid iron rails on the route of the wooden waggonway from Redheugh NZ2462 to Sunnyside and Marley Hill NZ2057. It bypassed Causey Arch by going along the eastern bank of Causey Burn before crossing to East Tanfield Colliery and Tanfield Lea Colliery. The line was extended up a steep incline to Tanfield Moor Colliery NZ1654, taking away revenue from the Stanhope and Tyne Railway branch to Annfield Plain. In 1843 the BJR relaid track on this S&TR route. The Tanfield Railway became part of the NER and LNER, which was nationalised as British Railways in 1948. At Gibraltar NZ2057 it made a level crossing with the Bowes Railway which became part of the National Coal Board in 1947. www.tanfield-railway.co.uk - The Tanfield Railway - steam trains run between Sunniside and East Tanfield. www.sunnisidelocalhistorysociety.co.uk/wagonways.html - Sunniside Local History Society have a page about the Tanfield Railway Ouston and Pelaw Waggonway - also known as the Pelaw Main Railway, this waggonway is thought to have started in 1809 or 1810. Rope haulage was used from the pits at Urpeth, passing the Three Tuns on the Great North Road in Birtley. The 1862 Ordnance Survey map shows an Old Engine near the Lamb Pit above Birtley. An 1812 map show the coal going down from there via Oxclose to the River Wear at Washington. By 1815 a new route from Urpeth NZ2554 and Ouston passed the William IV in Birtley. Hauling engines were at Blackfell and Eighton Banks. It is thought that rope haulage was used on the level section to White Hill NZ2760. A branch from pits in the Team Valley joined at White Hill. There was a hauling engine at Team Colliery where the waggonway passed under the A167 New Durham Road NZ2658. Another hauling engine was near the Seven Stars NZ2759 in Wrekenton where Gateshead Electric Tramways crossed the waggonway until 1951. Locomotives were later used to haul coal up the steep inclines from Team Valley. The locomotive shed was at Team Colliery, on the opposite side of the A167 New Durham Road to where the Angel of the North now stands. From White Hill a self-acting incline ran down to Heworth. The waggonway then crossed Sunderland Road on the way to Pelaw Main Staiths NZ3063. Level crossing gates caused traffic congestion on this once main road, now the B1426. The A184 Felling bypass was built in 1959 with a bridge over the waggonway. The self-acting incline closed soon after. Coal from the Team Valley then reversed at White Hill and went on a curve to the Bowes Railway NZ2858. This curve is still used for passenger trains by the Bowes Railway Museum. The lines were nationalised in 1947 and became part of the National Coal Board. Hetton Colliery Railway opened in 1822 from Hetton Colliery NZ3647 via Byer Engine, Flat Engine, Warden Law Engine NZ3650 and North Moor Engine to Hetton Drops NZ3957 on the River Wear at Sunderland. It used rope haulage, self-acting inclines and Stephenson locomotives. Coal also came from Eppleton Colliery and Elemore Colliery. In later years a branch was made to Silksworth Colliery. The Hetton Railway was taken over by the Lambton Railway in 1911 and closed in 1959. The Stockton and Darlington Railway had a grand opening in 1825 with George Stephenson on Locomotion No 1 at the head of a long train. The route was rope-hauled from Witton Park to Etherley Inclines, West Auckland (then called St.Helen's Auckland), Gaunless Bridge, Brusselton Inclines and Shildon. Locomotives operated from Shildon to Heighington, Darlington North Road, Fighting Cocks, Goosepool and Stockton. Fighting Cocks and Goosepool were watering places on the old road from Darlington to Stockton. There was a branch from Hopetown Junction to a coal depot in Darlington. Another branch ran to Egglescliffe, opposite Yarm on the Tees. In 1853 between Eaglescliffe and Bowesfield the tracks were moved next to the Leeds Northern Railway. 1827 Shildon to Black Boy Colliery on the Black Boy Branch. 1829 Albert Hill Junction to Croft Depot via Darlington Bank Top. 1830 Haggerleases Branch. West Auckland to Butterknowle. The branch crossed the River Gaunless on a stone Skew Bridge NZ1125, sometimes called a Swin Bridge or Swing Bridge. 1830 Bowesfield Junction to Middlesbrough. This crossed the River Tees on a suspension bridge NZ4417 which was limited to horse-drawn coal waggons. 1842 Bishop Auckland and Weardale Railway. Shildon Tunnel to Crook via South Church, Bishop Auckland, Etherley, Howden-le-Wear and Beechburn. A station at Witton Park only appears on the first edition Ordnance Survey map. 1845 Weardale Extension Railway. Crook to Waskerley via Tow Law, High Stoop and Saltersgate. Rope-hauled passenger services operated on Sunnyside Incline. High Stoop Station NZ1040 is shown as High Souk on the first edition Ordnance Survey map. 1846 Middlesbrough and Redcar Railway. 1847 Wear Valley Railway. Wear Valley Junction NZ1631 to Wolsingham, Frosterley and Bishopley Quarry. There was a station at Wear Valley Junction which is not shown on Ordnance Survey maps. 1853 Middlesbrough and Guisborough Railway. 1856 Shildon Tunnel to West Auckland, avoiding Brusselton Inclines. 1856 Darlington and Barnard Castle Railway, operated by the S&DR. From Hopetown Junction in Darlington via Piercebridge, Gainford, Winston and Broomielaw to Barnard Castle. The railway crossed the River Tees twice within a few hundred metres at Gainford Bridge and West Tees Bridge NZ1517. There was a branch to Westholme Colliery NZ1317. Broomielaw Station was built for the Bowes-Lyon family of Streatlam Castle. This station was private until 1942. There were military camps nearby at Stainton Camp, Streatlam Camp, Barford Camp, Humbleton Camp and Westwick Camp. 1858 Hownsgill Viaduct was built to bypass the steep rope-hauled inclines in Howns Gill. 1858 Crook to Waterhouses via Stanley Inclines. 1859 Burnhill Junction NZ0644 to Whitehall Junction NZ0747, bypassing Nanny Mayors Incline on the Stanhope and Carrhouse Branch. 1861 Redcar and Saltburn Railway. The line terminated inside the Zetland Hotel at Saltburn-by-the-Sea. The town was built by the S&DR as a holiday resort. Original S&DR stone block sleepers are used as paving on the promenade. 1861 South Durham and Lancashire Union Railway, operated by the S&DR. It was built to take coke to the West Coast blast furnaces and iron ore back to Cleveland. From a junction with the Darlington and Barnard Castle Railway, this required a new station at Barnard Castle. The original station became a goods depot. The line ran via the Tees Viaduct, Lartington Station, Deepdale Viaduct, Bowes Station and on to Stainmore Summit, Belah Viaduct and Kirkby Stephen. www.evr.org.uk - Eden Valley Railway at Appleby and Warcop. www.kirkbystepheneast.co.uk - Stainmore Railway Company Ltd (SRC) at Kirkby Stephen East (KSE). 1862 Frosterley to Stanhope, Newlandside Quarry and Parson Byers Quarry. 1863 Bishop Auckland to Fieldon Junction on the 1856 line to West Auckland. 1863 South Durham and Lancashire Union Railway, operated by the S&DR. From Spring Gardens Junction on the 1830 Haggerleases Branch to Barnard Castle. The S&DR then had a route from Shildon and Bishop Auckland to the iron works on the West Coast of England. 1863 The S&DR joins the NER but is effectively independent for years after. 1867 Crook to Tow Law on a deviation around Sunnyside Incline. 1895 Wear Valley Extension Railway. Stanhope to Wearhead was opened by the NER. The Bowes Railway was also known as the Pontop and Jarrow Railway. When complete in 1855 it ran from Dipton to Jarrow. 1826 - the first section opened from Jarrow NZ3265 to Springwell Colliery NZ2858. There was a self-acting incline from Springwell Colliery down to Lingey Lane NZ2960. This incline was still working in the 1960s. Locomotives were used from Lingey Lane to Jarrow. The original line near Jarrow was abandoned when new staiths were built at Hebburn. Blackham's Hill NZ2858, or Blackim Hill stationary steam engine worked inclines down to both Springwell Colliery and Mount Moor NZ2857. 1842 - with a hauling engine at Mount Moor, the line was extended down the east side of Team Valley and then up the west side to Kibblesworth Colliery NZ2456. This is now a cycle route under the ECML. 1845 - using a former wooden waggonway route, coal from Burnopfield Hobson Pit NZ1756 ran to Marley Hill NZ2057 and then down the Tanfield Railway to Redheugh. 1854 - the line from Marley Hill to Kibblesworth was opened. A level crossing was made with the Tanfield Railway at Gibraltar Crossing. 1855 - the final section opened from Burnopfield via Pickering Nook NZ1755 to Dipton Delight Colliery NZ1553. 1947 - the line became part of the National Coal Board. www.bowesrailway.co.uk - Bowes Railway Museum is at Springwell Colliery. Springwell Colliery - The aerial photo shows the pit for the return wheel at the top of the self-acting incline on the Bowes Railway. Loaded waggon sets descending the incline hauled empty waggons up to Springwell. Only three rails were needed, with the centre rail used by both up and down trains. At the halfway point the centre rail divided so that trains could pass each other. A brakesman controlled the speed of the return wheel from the signal box. With a mile of steel rope running on cast-iron rollers, the noise could be heard from a distance. At night a burning coal brazier was the "headlight" when the train crossed Leam Lane. Bowes Line on YouTube www.amber-online.com - order a DVD of the Bowes Line from Amber Online. The Rainton and Seaham Railway opened in 1831 to take coal from the Londonderry pits to the new Seaham Harbour, which was built out from the Durham coast. This railway used rope haulage via Rainton Bridge NZ3448, Rainton Engine and Copt Hill NZ3549, where it burrowed under the Hetton Railway. The R&SR then climbed to Warden Law NZ3649 and descended to Seaton Bank Top NZ3949 on the Long Run. There were further inclined planes at Seaton Bank, Londonderry Bank, Carrhouse Plane and Seaham Bank to Seaham Harbour NZ4349. The line closed in 1896. RAF aerial photo 1944 - Seaton Bank Top, with the Rainton and Seaham Railway crossing the Durham and Sunderland Railway. South Hetton Railway opened in 1833 and was also known as Braddyll's Railway. It used rope haulage from South Hetton Colliery NZ3845 up to Cold Hesleden Engine NZ4147 and then down to Seaham Harbour NZ4349. There were branches to Haswell Colliery (1835) NZ3742 and Murton Colliery. In the 1960s coal from Eppleton, Elemore and Murton was sent underground to the new Hawthorn Combined Mine NZ3945 on the South Hetton Railway. RAF aerial photo 1940s - South Hetton Colliery (www2.getmapping.com - zoom out to view 1940s photo). The Clarence Railway opened in 1833 from Port Clarence NZ5021 to Simpasture Junction NZ2624 on the Stockton and Darlington Railway. A branch ran from Norton NZ4222 to Stockton on Tees NZ4519. In 1834 a branch opened from Stillington Junction NZ3524 to Sedgefield NZ3328, Ferryhill NZ3031 and Coxhoe NZ3136, with plans to extend the line to Sherburn. In 1837 a branch opened to Spennymoor NZ2533 and Byers Green NZ2233. In 1844 the Clarence Railway was leased to the Stockton and Hartlepool Railway, eventually becoming part of the NER in 1865. In 1915 the NER electrified the line from Shildon NZ2325 via Simpasture and Stillington to Newport Yard NZ4618 on Teesside. The electric locomotives drew power from overhead wires to haul trains of coal waggons. The line reverted to steam locomotives in the 1930s. During WWII, 1939 to 1945, a Royal Ordnance Factory was built near Aycliffe and two stations were opened on branches from the old Clarence Railway. They were Simpasture Station NZ2724 and Demons Bridge Station NZ2823. This industrial area was the beginning of Newton Aycliffe. The Aycliffe Angels website describes the factory, with a map showing the new stations (archived on "Wayback Machine"). RAF aerial photo 1944 - Demons Bridge Station. The Stanhope and Tyne Railway opened in 1834 from Stanhope to Waskerley, Rowley, Consett, Stanley, Vigo, Washington, Boldon and South Shields. After financial problems, the S&TR east of Carrhouse became the Pontop and South Shields Railway. The western part from Stanhope to Consett became the Stanhope and Carrhouse Branch, operated by the Stockton and Darlington Railway. Stanhope to Rowley - The western end of the Stanhope and Tyne Railway began at quarries NY9940 near Stanhope. Waggons were hauled up the steep inclines by Crawley Engine and Weatherhill Engine NY9942. Passengers also used this rope-hauled railway in its early years. Rope haulage was used to Parkhead Wheel NZ0044, Meetingslack Engine NZ0345 and Waskerley NZ0545. From Waskerley the line ran down via Nanny Mayor's Incline to Rowley NZ0847. Rowley to Carrhouse - Steep inclined planes were needed to descend into Howns Gill NZ0949. Hownsgill Viaduct was built by the S&DR in 1858 to bypass the steep inclines. The line continued to Carrhouse Engine NZ1150. Carrhouse to Annfield - At the eastern end of Carrhouse Incline was a branch to Derwent Colliery NZ1254. Horses were used on the level section to the western foot of Annfield Incline. Annfield to Stanley - At the top of the hill Annfield Engine NZ1551 worked both inclines to the east and west. There was a branch to Tanfield Moor Colliery NZ1654 from the foot of the eastern incline. The line continued via Oxhill to West Stanley Colliery and Stanley Engine NZ2052. There was a terrible explosion at West Stanley Colliery in 1909. Stanley to Pelaw Grange - From Stanley Engine NZ2052 was a series of inclined planes passing Twizell Colliery (Twizel, Twizle), Edenhill and West Pelton down to Pelton Fell NZ2551 and Stella. The line crossed the Great North Road at Pelaw Grange NZ2753. Pelaw Grange to Washington - Vigo Engine NZ2854 worked inclines from Pelaw Grange to Fatfield where locomotives took over the route to Washington NZ3155. At Biddick Burn NZ3054 the first edition Ordnance Survey Map shows Fatfield Gears. Gears were wooden constructions to carry early waggonways over waterways and hollows. Washington to South Shields - From Washington the line continued via Washington Lane, to the Boldon Turnpike and coal drops at South Shields. South Shields Metro Station is on the 1834 S&TR route. In the early years passenger services were operated from Pelton and the Durham Turnpike via Vigo Engine to Washington, Boldon and South Shields. Hartlepool Dock and Railway Company opened in 1835 from Hartlepool NZ5233 to Hart NZ4836, Hesleden NZ4437, Castle Eden NZ4237, Thornley NZ3939 and Haswell NZ3743. There were branches to Ludworth Colliery, Thornley Colliery, Shotton Colliery and Wheatley Hill Colliery. At Haswell the HD&R crossed the D&SR at a higher level. In 1877 the NER opened a curve joining the two. The planned link with the Durham Junction Railway at Moorsley NZ3346 was never completed, although shown on some old maps. The rope-hauled incline at Hesleden was bypassed in 1874, so that locomotives could climb without assistance. Durham and Sunderland Railway opened in 1836 from Sunderland Town Moor NZ4057 to Ryhope NZ4152, Seaton Bank Top NZ3949, Murton NZ3847, Haswell NZ3743 and Pittington NZ3245. It reached Sherburn House NZ3041 in 1837 and Shincliffe NZ2840 in 1839. Rope hauled passenger trains lasted for over 20 years before locomotives were used. At Murton Junction there were stationary hauling engines for the lines to Haswell and Hetton. A mineral railway ran from Shincliffe to Croxdale Pit NZ2639. In 1893 the NER opened the branch from Sherburn House Station to Durham Elvet Station NZ2842. RAF aerial photo 1940s - Murton Junction (www2.getmapping.com - zoom out to view 1940s photo). Chilton Branch Waggonway opened in 1836 from the Clarence Railway NZ3230 to Chilton Colliery NZ2730 and Leasingthorne Colliery NZ2530. The waggonway crossed the Great North Road where Chilton Branch Library now stands. Durham Junction Railway opened in 1838 from a junction with the Stanhope and Tyne Railway at Washington NZ3155, via the Victoria Bridge, Penshaw and Fencehouses to Rainton Meadows NZ3247. It is also known as the Leamside Line. The planned link with the Hartlepool Dock and Railway Company line at Haswell NZ3743 was never completed, although shown on some old maps. The DJR built Victoria Bridge NZ3254 across the River Wear. The main arch has a span of 160 feet (about 48 metres) and is the largest masonry railway arch in England. It is also known as Victoria Viaduct. There is a larger span railway bridge in Scotland. The bridge is a Listed Building No. 456/4/17. Trains from London began crossing Victoria Bridge in 1844. They had to go via Brockley Whins to continue on to Gateshead along the former Brandling Junction Railway. The journey from London to Gateshead took over 12 hours. The track is still in place but has not been used for years. There are plans to reopen the line for freight to reduce congestion on the ECML through Durham. In 2003 some miles of steel rail were stolen near Penshaw. Newspaper archives, 21 May 2003:- Aerial views from Wikimapia - Victoria Viaduct - Stolen track - Rainton Crossing "Birds Eye View" from Microsoft - Stolen track - this later view shows most of the sleepers have now been lifted near Penshaw. Great North of England, Clarence and Hartlepool Junction Railway opened in 1839 from the Clarence Railway NZ3033 via West Cornforth, Coxhoe Bridge, Kelloe Bank Head, Trimdon Grange and Wingate NZ4036, joining the Hartlepool Dock and Railway Company NZ4137. The western part was recently used as a mineral railway for Raisby Quarry NZ3435 and Thrislington Cement Works NZ3032. Burnhope Waggonway ran from the Stanhope and Tyne Railway at Grange Villa NZ2352 to Holmside Colliery William Pit NZ2150 (opened 1839) and Burnhope Colliery NZ1948 (opened 1850). William Hedley moved his old locomotive Wylam Dilly from Wylam for use at Holmside Colliery. Sacriston Colliery Waggonway opened in 1839 from the Stanhope and Tyne Railway at Pelton Fell NZ2551 via Waldridge, Sacriston Engine and Daisy Hill to Sacriston Colliery NZ2347. Part of the route from Pelton Fell to Waldridge used the course of a wooden waggonway. There were branches to Witton Colliery, Charlaw Colliery, Nettlesworth Colliery and West Edmondsley Colliery. The Brandling Junction Railway opened in 1839 from Gateshead NZ2563 (425600_563600) to Brockley Whins NZ3462, with branches to Monkwearmouth and South Shields. British History 1:2500 scale 1884 map and Microsoft Virtual Earth showing the site of the BJR Gateshead terminus. High on the south bank of the River Tyne, this became the site of Rooneys Scrap Merchants Ltd. An inclined plane ran down from Gateshead to Redheugh to join the Newcastle and Carlisle Railway. The archway for the incline is still visible in the 1906 King Edward VII railway bridge. British History 1:2500 scale 1895 map of the old BJR station near Felling Metro Station NZ2762. The BJR crossed the Stanhope and Tyne Railway at Pontop Crossing NZ3562. In Monkwearmouth the terminus was at Broad Street NZ3958 (439850_558100) which is now Roker Avenue. A branch from Fulwell ran down to North Dock NZ4058 on the River Wear. The South Shields branch followed the Stanhope and Tyne Railway before turning towards the River Tyne for the Brandling Drops (435700_566700). A station was later built closer to South Shields market place. The BJR was purchased by the Newcastle and Darlington Junction Railway in 1845. Much of the route from Gateshead to Monkwearmouth is used by the Tyne and Wear Metro. West Durham Railway opened in 1840, joining the Clarence Railway at Byers Green NZ2233. It ran to Todd Hill and then down an incline to the River Wear. It then climbed Sunnybrow Incline NZ1934 to Helmington, reaching Old White Lea Colliery NZ1537 in 1841. In 1867 the deviation line around Sunnyside Incline joined the West Durham Railway at West Durham Junction NZ1537. In 1885 the NER line from Bishop Auckland joined the Clarence Railway route at Burnhouse Junction NZ2333. Westerton Railway - Also known as the Binchester Colliery Railway, this ran from the Clarence Railway NZ2633 to Westerton Colliery and Binchester Colliery NZ2331. There was a branch to Dean and Chapter Colliery NZ2833. The Stockton and Hartlepool Railway opened in 1841 from the Clarence Railway at Billingham Junction NZ4623 to Greatham, Seaton Carew and West Hartlepool. It used the Norton branch of the Clarence Railway to reach Norton Road Station in Stockton NZ4419. The Newcastle and Darlington Junction Railway opened in 1844 from a junction with the DJR at Rainton Crossing NZ3248. There were stations at Leamside, Belmont, Sherburn, Shincliffe, Ferryhill, Bradbury and Aycliffe. It crossed the Stockton and Darlington Railway at the famous S&D crossing in Darlington, finally joining the GNER at Parkgate Junction NZ2915 on the old Croft Branch. Belmont Station NZ3044 was the junction for the Durham Gilesgate branch, which is now the route of the A690 road. Gilesgate Station NZ2842 became a goods shed when Durham North Road Station opened in 1857. The goods shed was used by Archibald's builders merchants until it was demolished in recent years. The N&DJR took over the D&SR, BJR, DJR, GNER and P&SSR. The N&DJR became part of the YN&BR in 1847. Rookhope Railway opened in 1846 and ran from Rookhope NY9342 to Park Head Depot NZ0043, where it joined the Stanhope and Tyne Railway. The Rookhope Railway was built by the Weardale Iron Company. At 515 metres, Boltslaw Engine NY9444 was the highest point on a standard gauge line in Britain. Rookhope and Middlehope Railway ran from Rookhope NY9342 to Middlehope Lead Mine NY9040 on Middlehope Burn, high in the Wear Valley. Cambokeels Incline NY9338 was built by German prisoners of war during WWI, 1914 to 1918, down to the NER line between Eastgate and Westgate. Groove Rake (Groverake) - This mineral railway ran from Groove Rake Lead Mine NY8944 to Rookhope NY9342. Rookhope Smelting Mill had a chimney flue about 2500 metres long running up the hillside, ending at Rookhope Chimney NY9044. Fluorspar or Fluorite is still found in this area. York, Newcastle and Berwick Railway - 1849 Pelaw Junction to Usworth Station and Washington Station. This cut-off avoided the longer route via Brockley Whins. Aerial views from Wikimapia - Pelaw Junction - Pontop Crossing, Brockley Whins The Leeds Northern Railway opened in 1852. After crossing the River Tees on a long viaduct at Yarm NZ4113 it ran from Eaglescliffe to Stockton, joining the Clarence Railway at North Shore Junction NZ4420. York, Newcastle and Berwick Railway opened in 1852 from Penshaw Junction, Cox Green, South Hylton and Pallion to Sunderland. The route from South Hylton to Sunderland is used by the Tyne and Wear Metro. The Londonderry, Seaham and Sunderland Railway opened in 1854 from Seaham Station NZ4249 via Ryhope NZ4152 to Hendon NZ4041, to make use of the bigger Sunderland docks. There was a private station at Hall Dene NZ4150 for the use of the occupants of Seaham Hall. Stations and track separate from the D&SR were required from Ryhope to Hendon. The line was taken over by the NER in 1900. A new Seaham Station was built when the 1905 NER line via Dawdon opened. Ryhope Grange Junction to Seaham is still open to passengers on the Sunderland and Hartlepool route. The Forcett Railway - This private railway opened in 1866. It ran from East Layton Quarry, Forcett Quarry and Forcett Goods Station NZ1610, south of the River Tees. Heading northwards, it crossed the Tees near Gainford, to make a junction with the Darlington and Barnard Castle Railway at Forcett Junction NZ1816. The Tees Valley Railway - This independent railway opened in 1868 from Middleton in Teesdale Station NY9424 via Mickleton Station NY9623, Romaldkirk Station NY9922 and Cotherstone Station NZ0119 to Tees Valley Junction NZ0317 on the South Durham and Lancashire Union Railway. The Merrybent and Darlington Railway - This goods line opened in 1870 from the Barnard Castle and Darlington Railway at Merrybent Junction NZ2516 to Merrybent Quarry near Barton NZ2308. After financial difficulties it was acquired by the NER in 1890. The route now lies under the A1(M) motorway. Leamside Line was the former Main Line through Ferryhill, Leamside, Fencehouses, Penshaw and Washington to Pelaw. The companies were the Durham Junction Railway and the Newcastle and Darlington Junction Railway. It was by-passed in 1872 with the opening of the ECML from Tursdale Junction NZ3035 via Croxdale, Relley Mill Junction, Durham, Newton Hall Junction and Chester-le-Street to Gateshead. See the Durham Junction Railway for details of the stolen track near Penshaw. Hylton, Southwick and Monkwearmouth Railway - This 1876 mineral railway was taken over by NER in 1883. It joined the Stanhope and Tyne route at Southwick Junction. The Nissan Motor Works has been built over the western end. The A1231 road follows the railway route into Monkwearmouth. Marsden Railway opened in 1879 from South Shields NZ3666 to Whitburn Colliery NZ4063. The antique passenger trains were known as the The Marsden Rattler. This was part of the Harton Coal Company railway system. The A183 Coast Road was built in the 1920s, running parallel to the railway. At Marsden the railway was moved inland to make room for the Coast Road NZ3964. The railway was nationalised by the National Coal Board in 1947. Public passengers as well as miners were carried until closure in 1968. Marsden Railway - an excellent webpage of history, locos, carriages and tickets. www.mining-memorabilia.co.uk/The_Harton_Coal_Company_And_Marsden_Railway.htm Woodland Branch Railway ran from Woodland Junction NZ1225 to Crake Scar Colliery NZ0727 and Woodland Colliery NZ0626. Tramways ran from Woodland Colliery to Woolly Hills Drifts NZ0424 and Arn Gill Drifts NZ0524. www.woodlandvillage.co.uk by Tim Robinson. Includes history and photographs of the Woodland Branch Railway Fishburn Colliery Railway ran from the Clarence Railway NZ3229 to Fishburn Colliery (opened 1910) NZ3631. The line passed under the A177 road, 500 metres south of Merry Knowle NZ3431. Brick parapets of the bridge are still visible. North Eastern Railway in County Durham 1854 The main railway companies from York to Newcastle and Berwick upon Tweed are combined as the North Eastern Railway, excluding the Stockton and Darlington Railway. 1856 Leamside (Auckland Junction) to Durham North Road and Bishop Auckland. This route is still in use as the ECML between Newton Hall and Relley Mill. 1856 Page Bank Colliery to the Clarence Railway at Spennymoor. 1858 Deerness Valley Junction (or Dearness) to Waterhouses Station at Esh Winning. 1862 Relley Mill Junction to Lanchester and Consett. 1862 The NER laid its first steel rails on the High Level Bridge between Gateshead and Newcastle. 1867 Blaydon Junction to Swalwell, Ebchester and Blackhill. There were numerous viaducts on this route which is still open as the Derwent Walk footpath. 1868 Gateshead West Station via Team Valley to Chester-le-Street and Newton Hall Junction. The ECML curve at Newton Hall was relaid to a larger radius when the line from Leamside closed in the 1960s. 1871 Relley Mill Junction via Croxdale to Hoggersgate Junction (Tursdale). This line completed the ECML of today. 1872 Pelaw to Tyne Dock via Hebburn and Jarrow. This route is used by the Tyne and Wear Metro. 1876 Hylton, Southwick and Monkwearmouth Railway. This mineral railway was taken over by NER in 1883. 1877 The NER laid its last new wrought iron rails. 1877 Cemetery Junctions at Hartlepool, joining the Stockton and Hartlepool line at West Hartlepool. The local service previously ran through the Hartlepool Docks. The present Hartlepool Station was opened by the NER in 1880. 1877 Haswell Curve, joining the Hartlepool Dock and Railway line to the Durham and Sunderland line. 1878 Wellfield Station to Thorpe Thewles and Bowesfield Junction. The Visitor Centre for the Castle Eden Walkway is at Thorpe Thewles Station. 1879 Tyne Dock to South Shields via High Shields Station. This line was abandoned when the Tyne and Wear Metro used the old Stanhope and Tyne route. 1879 Wearmouth Railway Bridge via Sunderland Central Station to Ryhope Grange Junction. 1885 Burnhouse Junction to Byers Green, Coundon and Bishop Auckland. 1886 Annfield Plain deviation to bypass the inclines on the Stanhope and Tyne route, with a new Annfield Plain Station. 1887 Polam Junction to Oak Tree Junction to avoid reversing at Darlington Bank Top Station. 1893 Durham Elvet Station to Sherburn House Station on the Durham and Sunderland line. 1893 Beamish deviation to bypass the inclines at Stanley, via West Stanley Station (Shield Row), Beamish Station and Pelton Station, rejoining the S&TR route at South Pelaw. The track was lifted in 1984 and the tunnel at Beamish is now a Sustrans cycle track. YouTube - "The last train to Consett", 1984. 1893 Dunston Staiths, with a second staith opened in 1903. A line ran via Norwood to the Team Valley Branch. 1895 Stanhope Station to Eastgate, Westgate, St.John's Chapel and Wearhead Station. 1896 Consett curve NZ0949 joining the Lanchester line to the Stanhope and Tyne line. This allowed trains to run a circular service from Newcastle via Rowlands Gill, Blackhill, Consett, Pelton and Birtley to Newcastle. 1901 Billingham Branch from Haverton Hill NZ4822. This area of Billingham became ICI (Imperial Chemical Industries). 1901 Greatham Creek Branch from Port Clarence NZ5021 to Cowpen Marsh, following the High Water Mark of the 1861 map. Much land has been reclaimed from the marshes in this area of the Tees estuary. 1904 Dunston Branch from Norwood Junction to Derwent Haugh, bypassing the original Newcastle and Carlisle route along the River Tyne. Dunston Power Station was built on this land. The 1904 line carries the present-day service between Newcastle and Carlisle, with a new station at Metro Centre. Dunston Station has reopened. 1905 Seaham Station to Dawdon Colliery, Easington, Horden, Blackhall and Hart Junction Station. 1906 King Edward VII Bridge between Newcastle and Gateshead. This avoided reversing at Newcastle Central station for trains running between Edinburgh and London Kings Cross. 1907 Dunston Branch from King Edward VII Bridge. This allowed a passenger service between Newcastle and Dunston Station. 1907 Seaton Snook Branch from Seaton Snook Junction NZ5128 to the Central Zinc and Acid Works (1920s map). This area now includes the AbleUK Offshore Structure Disposal Facility (ghost ships) and Hartlepool Nuclear Power Station. On the 1861 map Seaton Snook Point was an island. 1909 Queen Alexandra Bridge between Southwick and Sunderland. The railway tracks on the upper deck were removed in the 1920s. 1920 Billingham Beck Branch from North Shore Junction NZ4420. This line crossed the land reclaimed from the Tees when Portrack Cut was made. 1923 NER becomes part of the London and North Eastern Railway (LNER).	Darlington
Which tree is known as the trembling popIar?	History of Railways in County Durham - Waggonways History of Railways in County Durham History of Railways in County Durham This refers to the pre-1974 boundary of County Durham, after which Gateshead, South Tyneside, Sunderland, Darlington, Stockton on Tees and Hartlepool became independent local government authorities. Part of North Yorkshire is now in County Durham. National Grid references are shown to the nearest kilometre square. Please observe the COPYRIGHT of this website. Printing and copying should be for personal use only and NOT for commercial purposes. Category D - The 1951 plan to demolish coal mining villages in County Durham. www.disused-stations.org.uk - lists and photos of closed railway stations in the UK. Wooden Waggonways From the 1600s wooden waggonways took coal from pits in North Durham to staiths on the Tyne at Stella, Derwent Haugh and Dunston. Each single waggon was drawn by a horse. One horse could haul over 2 tons of coal. The speed was controlled by the waggonman using a brake or convoy which acted upon the rear wheels. Staiths were sheds at the river bank where valuable loaded coal waggons could be kept under cover. On arrival at the staith the horse was unhitched, then the waggon was pushed by the waggonman to a turntable inside the shed. The coal was teemed down the spout into the keel boat to be taken down river for transfer into sea-going collier ships. The empty waggon was pushed to another turntable to exit the shed and the horse was hitched for the return journey to the colliery. Wayleaves were financial agreements between landowners and those seeking permission to build a waggonway over their land. Access to valuable coal reserves could be blocked by landowners in favour of their own partners. Waggonways did not always take the the most direct way or easiest gradient because of obstruction by landowners. The wayleave specified the width needed, which could be 16 yards (about 14 metres) for double track on an embankment. Acts of Parliament were later used for railways to get compulsory purchase of the land. Cuttings and embankments (cuts and batteries) were made to gain an even road for the horses. This was a century before the canal era in Britain. Frames of wooden track were made up of rails and sleepers. The track gauge varied because the waggonways were not planned as a single system. To prolong the track life a second layer or double way of renewable rail was nailed on, allowing deeper ballast to keep the horses' hooves off the sleepers. Malleable iron plates were fixed to the rails where there was heavy wear. The simplest waggonways had a single track with passing places called bye stands or sidings at intervals. Double track had the full waggons going on the main way. The empty waggons returned on the bye way, which did not need to be so heavily constructed as the main way, or even follow the same route. The earliest waggonways served pits around the Whickham area. In the 1700s waggonways reached as far west as Mickley Moor NZ0861 and as far south as Pontop Pike NZ1452. A wooden waggonway ran from pits near Angel of the North NZ2657, following the Team Valley to Team Gut at Dunston. Prominent waggonway owners included Anne Clavering and the Liddell family of Ravensworth. Beamish Wooden Waggonways - There were two wooden waggonways from Beamish Mary Pit. It is not known if these waggonways were working at the same time in the 1700s. Beamish wooden waggonway ran from Beamish Mary Pit NZ2053 to the Great North Road at Pelaw Grange and down to the River Wear at Chartershaugh and Fatfield NZ3053. The A693 road follows the route at High Handenhold. Maps of Beamish Staiths at Fatfield, Coordinates 430940 East, 553680 North Geograph NZ3053 - British History - Microsoft Virtual Earth - Wikimapia - Google Maps - Old Maps The other 1700s Beamish wooden waggonway was a branch of the Tanfield Way, running northwest from Beamish Mary Pit NZ2053 towards the Blue Bell Inn and Causey Hall. The A6076 road follows the waggonway route in square NZ2054 near the Blue Bell. The waggonway joined the main Tanfield Way to the east of Causey Arch. Other wooden waggonways running to the Fatfield area included those owned by Dean Headworth (or Hedworth) and Thomas Allan (or Allen). William Joliffe's way ran from Waldridge Colliery NZ2550. www.pre-construct.com - Pre-Construct Archaeology Limited have done an archaeological survey of wooden waggonways at Harraton Colliery near Washington, June 2009. Chopwell Waggonway - A wooden waggonway ran from pits in the Chopwell area NZ1158 via Greenside NZ1462 to staiths at Stella NZ1763 on the River Tyne. Garesfield Waggonway began as a wooden waggonway from Garesfield Colliery NZ1359, following the River Derwent to Derwent Haugh NZ2063. The steep incline at High Thornley NZ1660 was later bypassed on a line to Winlaton Mill NZ1860. Some estimate that the route near Derwent Haugh was in use for 200 years. The Tanfield Railway began as a wooden waggonway over Causey Arch NZ2055 to the Tyne at Dunston or Redheugh. Geograph NZ2055 with photos of Causey Arch. Washington Wooden Waggonways - Lord Ravensworth's waggonway ran from Washington Colliery NZ3056 to Bill Quay NZ2962 on the River Tyne. The route took it along what was later known as Lingey Lane NZ2960 which was crossed by the 1826 line from Springwell Colliery to Jarrow. It is not known if the wooden waggonway survived after this. In the early 20th century the New Road was built from Usworth to Wardley using the route of the wooden waggonway. Another waggonway ran from Washington Colliery to Washington Staiths NZ3255 on the River Wear. This waggonway later got iron rails. It survived to be part of the National Coal Board. Oxclose Waggonway ran from Oxclose Colliery to Washington Staiths. Lambton Wooden Waggonway to Penshaw - The Lambton Railway began as a horse-drawn wooden waggonway from Lambton Pits to Low Lambton Staiths NZ3254 at Penshaw. From the Industrial Archaeology Review , Abstracts of Volume XX 1998:- "The timber waggonway tracks at the site of the former Lambton Colliery or Bournmoor D Pit at Fencehouses, near Sunderland are the best preserved and most substantial early wooden railway remains yet to be uncovered in this country". The eighteenth century waggonway was discovered in 1996 during land reclamation at the former Lambton Coke Works. Coal would have been taken by horse-drawn waggons to the River Wear. Railway Magazine No.1235 Vol 150, March 2004 - There is an article and photographs of this wooden waggonway by Dr.Michael Lewis and Ian Ayris. The gauge of the track is 4 feet 2 inches (1270 mm). The points or switches have modern style check rails and two point blades. Earlier track junctions are thought to have had only one long point blade to keep the way clear for the horse as it walked between the rails. SINE Project - a detailed description and photographs of the wooden waggonway discovery at Bournmoor. The Londonderry Railway began as a wooden waggonway from the Londonderry pits to Penshaw (or Painshaw) Staiths. The last wooden waggonways were still in use in the 1820s, long after cast iron rails had been introduced. Iron rails had a lower rolling resistance, allowing a horse to haul a train of waggons. Iron Railways Beamish Waggonway ran from Beamish Mary Pit NZ2053 to the Great North Road. The 1890s Ordnance Survey map shows the waggonway making an S-bend to join the Stanhope and Tyne route at Beamish Junction. Beamish Waggonway survived until the 1960s as part of the National Coal Board. Lambton Railway - Newbottle Colliery NZ3351 was a group of pits owned by John Neasham (or Nesham). In about 1812 a rope-hauled waggonway was built from Dorothea Pit via West Herrington and Grindon Hill NZ3654 to Sunderland. This was called the Newbottle or Philadelphia waggonway. In 1819 Newbottle Colliery was purchased by John Lambton. A new Lambton Railway was built via Hasting Hill to Sunderland. The route was from Dorothea Pit to Herrington Engine, Fox Cover Engine and Grindon Engine, joining the Philadelphia route near Grindon Hall. Arch Engine NZ3755 is now covered by the A183 Broadway which replaced the old wandering Chester Road, now Melbourne Place. Glebe Engine NZ3856 is now covered by the Hospital on Chester Road. In 1865 the Lambton Railway got running rights over the NER main line from Cox Green to Sunderland, so the waggonway over Hasting Hill was no longer needed. Little trace of it remains on the 1890s Ordnance Survey map. Rope haulage and locomotives were used on branches from pits at Sherburn House NZ3241, Littletown NZ3343, Houghton-le-Spring NZ3350, Frankland NZ2945 and Lumley NZ2948. Locomotives were overhauled at Philadelphia Lambton Engine Works NZ3352. Pits at Cater House NZ2645 and Framwellgate Moor sent their coal to the Frankland Branch of the Lambton Railway. After amalgamations in 1911 and 1924 the Lambton Railway became the Lambton, Hetton and Joicey Railway. It was nationalised in 1947 and closed in 1967. The Londonderry Railway - Inclined planes reached from Alexandrina Pit NZ3346, Adventure Pit NZ3147 and Pittington NZ3344 to Penshaw (or Painshaw) Staiths. The Londonderry Railway by George Hardy. Published by Goose & Son 1973, ISBN 0900404159 - Introduced by Charles E Lee, with an account presented in 1902 to the Society of Antiquaries by William Weaver Tomlinson entitled "The Duke of Wellington on a North Country waggonway". This journey took place in 1827 on the rope-hauled Londonderry Railway from Pittington Hallgarth via Benridge Bank Top and the Plain Pit to Colliery Row (then called Vienna). Near there he examined a locomotive engine or steam elephant. The journey continued via Dubmires to the engine house at Penshaw. A special carriage was used. Chopwell Waggonway - In the 1890s a new waggonway ran from Chopwell Colliery NZ1158 to the Garesfield Waggonway NZ1359 at High Spen. There was a narrow gauge tramway from Whittonstall Drift Mine NZ0857 to Chopwell Colliery. Greenside Colliery Waggonway ran from Greenside Colliery NZ1361 to Stargate Pit NZ1663 and Addison Colliery NZ1664 on the Newcastle and Carlisle line. Part of the route was previously a wooden waggonway near Stephens Hall NZ1562. Towneley Main Waggonway ran from Emma Pit NZ1463 to Stargate Pit and Stella. Part of the route was previously a wooden waggonway and is now used by the modern A695 road at Stargate. The Tanfield Railway - In 1839 the Brandling Junction Railway laid iron rails on the route of the wooden waggonway from Redheugh NZ2462 to Sunnyside and Marley Hill NZ2057. It bypassed Causey Arch by going along the eastern bank of Causey Burn before crossing to East Tanfield Colliery and Tanfield Lea Colliery. The line was extended up a steep incline to Tanfield Moor Colliery NZ1654, taking away revenue from the Stanhope and Tyne Railway branch to Annfield Plain. In 1843 the BJR relaid track on this S&TR route. The Tanfield Railway became part of the NER and LNER, which was nationalised as British Railways in 1948. At Gibraltar NZ2057 it made a level crossing with the Bowes Railway which became part of the National Coal Board in 1947. www.tanfield-railway.co.uk - The Tanfield Railway - steam trains run between Sunniside and East Tanfield. www.sunnisidelocalhistorysociety.co.uk/wagonways.html - Sunniside Local History Society have a page about the Tanfield Railway Ouston and Pelaw Waggonway - also known as the Pelaw Main Railway, this waggonway is thought to have started in 1809 or 1810. Rope haulage was used from the pits at Urpeth, passing the Three Tuns on the Great North Road in Birtley. The 1862 Ordnance Survey map shows an Old Engine near the Lamb Pit above Birtley. An 1812 map show the coal going down from there via Oxclose to the River Wear at Washington. By 1815 a new route from Urpeth NZ2554 and Ouston passed the William IV in Birtley. Hauling engines were at Blackfell and Eighton Banks. It is thought that rope haulage was used on the level section to White Hill NZ2760. A branch from pits in the Team Valley joined at White Hill. There was a hauling engine at Team Colliery where the waggonway passed under the A167 New Durham Road NZ2658. Another hauling engine was near the Seven Stars NZ2759 in Wrekenton where Gateshead Electric Tramways crossed the waggonway until 1951. Locomotives were later used to haul coal up the steep inclines from Team Valley. The locomotive shed was at Team Colliery, on the opposite side of the A167 New Durham Road to where the Angel of the North now stands. From White Hill a self-acting incline ran down to Heworth. The waggonway then crossed Sunderland Road on the way to Pelaw Main Staiths NZ3063. Level crossing gates caused traffic congestion on this once main road, now the B1426. The A184 Felling bypass was built in 1959 with a bridge over the waggonway. The self-acting incline closed soon after. Coal from the Team Valley then reversed at White Hill and went on a curve to the Bowes Railway NZ2858. This curve is still used for passenger trains by the Bowes Railway Museum. The lines were nationalised in 1947 and became part of the National Coal Board. Hetton Colliery Railway opened in 1822 from Hetton Colliery NZ3647 via Byer Engine, Flat Engine, Warden Law Engine NZ3650 and North Moor Engine to Hetton Drops NZ3957 on the River Wear at Sunderland. It used rope haulage, self-acting inclines and Stephenson locomotives. Coal also came from Eppleton Colliery and Elemore Colliery. In later years a branch was made to Silksworth Colliery. The Hetton Railway was taken over by the Lambton Railway in 1911 and closed in 1959. The Stockton and Darlington Railway had a grand opening in 1825 with George Stephenson on Locomotion No 1 at the head of a long train. The route was rope-hauled from Witton Park to Etherley Inclines, West Auckland (then called St.Helen's Auckland), Gaunless Bridge, Brusselton Inclines and Shildon. Locomotives operated from Shildon to Heighington, Darlington North Road, Fighting Cocks, Goosepool and Stockton. Fighting Cocks and Goosepool were watering places on the old road from Darlington to Stockton. There was a branch from Hopetown Junction to a coal depot in Darlington. Another branch ran to Egglescliffe, opposite Yarm on the Tees. In 1853 between Eaglescliffe and Bowesfield the tracks were moved next to the Leeds Northern Railway. 1827 Shildon to Black Boy Colliery on the Black Boy Branch. 1829 Albert Hill Junction to Croft Depot via Darlington Bank Top. 1830 Haggerleases Branch. West Auckland to Butterknowle. The branch crossed the River Gaunless on a stone Skew Bridge NZ1125, sometimes called a Swin Bridge or Swing Bridge. 1830 Bowesfield Junction to Middlesbrough. This crossed the River Tees on a suspension bridge NZ4417 which was limited to horse-drawn coal waggons. 1842 Bishop Auckland and Weardale Railway. Shildon Tunnel to Crook via South Church, Bishop Auckland, Etherley, Howden-le-Wear and Beechburn. A station at Witton Park only appears on the first edition Ordnance Survey map. 1845 Weardale Extension Railway. Crook to Waskerley via Tow Law, High Stoop and Saltersgate. Rope-hauled passenger services operated on Sunnyside Incline. High Stoop Station NZ1040 is shown as High Souk on the first edition Ordnance Survey map. 1846 Middlesbrough and Redcar Railway. 1847 Wear Valley Railway. Wear Valley Junction NZ1631 to Wolsingham, Frosterley and Bishopley Quarry. There was a station at Wear Valley Junction which is not shown on Ordnance Survey maps. 1853 Middlesbrough and Guisborough Railway. 1856 Shildon Tunnel to West Auckland, avoiding Brusselton Inclines. 1856 Darlington and Barnard Castle Railway, operated by the S&DR. From Hopetown Junction in Darlington via Piercebridge, Gainford, Winston and Broomielaw to Barnard Castle. The railway crossed the River Tees twice within a few hundred metres at Gainford Bridge and West Tees Bridge NZ1517. There was a branch to Westholme Colliery NZ1317. Broomielaw Station was built for the Bowes-Lyon family of Streatlam Castle. This station was private until 1942. There were military camps nearby at Stainton Camp, Streatlam Camp, Barford Camp, Humbleton Camp and Westwick Camp. 1858 Hownsgill Viaduct was built to bypass the steep rope-hauled inclines in Howns Gill. 1858 Crook to Waterhouses via Stanley Inclines. 1859 Burnhill Junction NZ0644 to Whitehall Junction NZ0747, bypassing Nanny Mayors Incline on the Stanhope and Carrhouse Branch. 1861 Redcar and Saltburn Railway. The line terminated inside the Zetland Hotel at Saltburn-by-the-Sea. The town was built by the S&DR as a holiday resort. Original S&DR stone block sleepers are used as paving on the promenade. 1861 South Durham and Lancashire Union Railway, operated by the S&DR. It was built to take coke to the West Coast blast furnaces and iron ore back to Cleveland. From a junction with the Darlington and Barnard Castle Railway, this required a new station at Barnard Castle. The original station became a goods depot. The line ran via the Tees Viaduct, Lartington Station, Deepdale Viaduct, Bowes Station and on to Stainmore Summit, Belah Viaduct and Kirkby Stephen. www.evr.org.uk - Eden Valley Railway at Appleby and Warcop. www.kirkbystepheneast.co.uk - Stainmore Railway Company Ltd (SRC) at Kirkby Stephen East (KSE). 1862 Frosterley to Stanhope, Newlandside Quarry and Parson Byers Quarry. 1863 Bishop Auckland to Fieldon Junction on the 1856 line to West Auckland. 1863 South Durham and Lancashire Union Railway, operated by the S&DR. From Spring Gardens Junction on the 1830 Haggerleases Branch to Barnard Castle. The S&DR then had a route from Shildon and Bishop Auckland to the iron works on the West Coast of England. 1863 The S&DR joins the NER but is effectively independent for years after. 1867 Crook to Tow Law on a deviation around Sunnyside Incline. 1895 Wear Valley Extension Railway. Stanhope to Wearhead was opened by the NER. The Bowes Railway was also known as the Pontop and Jarrow Railway. When complete in 1855 it ran from Dipton to Jarrow. 1826 - the first section opened from Jarrow NZ3265 to Springwell Colliery NZ2858. There was a self-acting incline from Springwell Colliery down to Lingey Lane NZ2960. This incline was still working in the 1960s. Locomotives were used from Lingey Lane to Jarrow. The original line near Jarrow was abandoned when new staiths were built at Hebburn. Blackham's Hill NZ2858, or Blackim Hill stationary steam engine worked inclines down to both Springwell Colliery and Mount Moor NZ2857. 1842 - with a hauling engine at Mount Moor, the line was extended down the east side of Team Valley and then up the west side to Kibblesworth Colliery NZ2456. This is now a cycle route under the ECML. 1845 - using a former wooden waggonway route, coal from Burnopfield Hobson Pit NZ1756 ran to Marley Hill NZ2057 and then down the Tanfield Railway to Redheugh. 1854 - the line from Marley Hill to Kibblesworth was opened. A level crossing was made with the Tanfield Railway at Gibraltar Crossing. 1855 - the final section opened from Burnopfield via Pickering Nook NZ1755 to Dipton Delight Colliery NZ1553. 1947 - the line became part of the National Coal Board. www.bowesrailway.co.uk - Bowes Railway Museum is at Springwell Colliery. Springwell Colliery - The aerial photo shows the pit for the return wheel at the top of the self-acting incline on the Bowes Railway. Loaded waggon sets descending the incline hauled empty waggons up to Springwell. Only three rails were needed, with the centre rail used by both up and down trains. At the halfway point the centre rail divided so that trains could pass each other. A brakesman controlled the speed of the return wheel from the signal box. With a mile of steel rope running on cast-iron rollers, the noise could be heard from a distance. At night a burning coal brazier was the "headlight" when the train crossed Leam Lane. Bowes Line on YouTube www.amber-online.com - order a DVD of the Bowes Line from Amber Online. The Rainton and Seaham Railway opened in 1831 to take coal from the Londonderry pits to the new Seaham Harbour, which was built out from the Durham coast. This railway used rope haulage via Rainton Bridge NZ3448, Rainton Engine and Copt Hill NZ3549, where it burrowed under the Hetton Railway. The R&SR then climbed to Warden Law NZ3649 and descended to Seaton Bank Top NZ3949 on the Long Run. There were further inclined planes at Seaton Bank, Londonderry Bank, Carrhouse Plane and Seaham Bank to Seaham Harbour NZ4349. The line closed in 1896. RAF aerial photo 1944 - Seaton Bank Top, with the Rainton and Seaham Railway crossing the Durham and Sunderland Railway. South Hetton Railway opened in 1833 and was also known as Braddyll's Railway. It used rope haulage from South Hetton Colliery NZ3845 up to Cold Hesleden Engine NZ4147 and then down to Seaham Harbour NZ4349. There were branches to Haswell Colliery (1835) NZ3742 and Murton Colliery. In the 1960s coal from Eppleton, Elemore and Murton was sent underground to the new Hawthorn Combined Mine NZ3945 on the South Hetton Railway. RAF aerial photo 1940s - South Hetton Colliery (www2.getmapping.com - zoom out to view 1940s photo). The Clarence Railway opened in 1833 from Port Clarence NZ5021 to Simpasture Junction NZ2624 on the Stockton and Darlington Railway. A branch ran from Norton NZ4222 to Stockton on Tees NZ4519. In 1834 a branch opened from Stillington Junction NZ3524 to Sedgefield NZ3328, Ferryhill NZ3031 and Coxhoe NZ3136, with plans to extend the line to Sherburn. In 1837 a branch opened to Spennymoor NZ2533 and Byers Green NZ2233. In 1844 the Clarence Railway was leased to the Stockton and Hartlepool Railway, eventually becoming part of the NER in 1865. In 1915 the NER electrified the line from Shildon NZ2325 via Simpasture and Stillington to Newport Yard NZ4618 on Teesside. The electric locomotives drew power from overhead wires to haul trains of coal waggons. The line reverted to steam locomotives in the 1930s. During WWII, 1939 to 1945, a Royal Ordnance Factory was built near Aycliffe and two stations were opened on branches from the old Clarence Railway. They were Simpasture Station NZ2724 and Demons Bridge Station NZ2823. This industrial area was the beginning of Newton Aycliffe. The Aycliffe Angels website describes the factory, with a map showing the new stations (archived on "Wayback Machine"). RAF aerial photo 1944 - Demons Bridge Station. The Stanhope and Tyne Railway opened in 1834 from Stanhope to Waskerley, Rowley, Consett, Stanley, Vigo, Washington, Boldon and South Shields. After financial problems, the S&TR east of Carrhouse became the Pontop and South Shields Railway. The western part from Stanhope to Consett became the Stanhope and Carrhouse Branch, operated by the Stockton and Darlington Railway. Stanhope to Rowley - The western end of the Stanhope and Tyne Railway began at quarries NY9940 near Stanhope. Waggons were hauled up the steep inclines by Crawley Engine and Weatherhill Engine NY9942. Passengers also used this rope-hauled railway in its early years. Rope haulage was used to Parkhead Wheel NZ0044, Meetingslack Engine NZ0345 and Waskerley NZ0545. From Waskerley the line ran down via Nanny Mayor's Incline to Rowley NZ0847. Rowley to Carrhouse - Steep inclined planes were needed to descend into Howns Gill NZ0949. Hownsgill Viaduct was built by the S&DR in 1858 to bypass the steep inclines. The line continued to Carrhouse Engine NZ1150. Carrhouse to Annfield - At the eastern end of Carrhouse Incline was a branch to Derwent Colliery NZ1254. Horses were used on the level section to the western foot of Annfield Incline. Annfield to Stanley - At the top of the hill Annfield Engine NZ1551 worked both inclines to the east and west. There was a branch to Tanfield Moor Colliery NZ1654 from the foot of the eastern incline. The line continued via Oxhill to West Stanley Colliery and Stanley Engine NZ2052. There was a terrible explosion at West Stanley Colliery in 1909. Stanley to Pelaw Grange - From Stanley Engine NZ2052 was a series of inclined planes passing Twizell Colliery (Twizel, Twizle), Edenhill and West Pelton down to Pelton Fell NZ2551 and Stella. The line crossed the Great North Road at Pelaw Grange NZ2753. Pelaw Grange to Washington - Vigo Engine NZ2854 worked inclines from Pelaw Grange to Fatfield where locomotives took over the route to Washington NZ3155. At Biddick Burn NZ3054 the first edition Ordnance Survey Map shows Fatfield Gears. Gears were wooden constructions to carry early waggonways over waterways and hollows. Washington to South Shields - From Washington the line continued via Washington Lane, to the Boldon Turnpike and coal drops at South Shields. South Shields Metro Station is on the 1834 S&TR route. In the early years passenger services were operated from Pelton and the Durham Turnpike via Vigo Engine to Washington, Boldon and South Shields. Hartlepool Dock and Railway Company opened in 1835 from Hartlepool NZ5233 to Hart NZ4836, Hesleden NZ4437, Castle Eden NZ4237, Thornley NZ3939 and Haswell NZ3743. There were branches to Ludworth Colliery, Thornley Colliery, Shotton Colliery and Wheatley Hill Colliery. At Haswell the HD&R crossed the D&SR at a higher level. In 1877 the NER opened a curve joining the two. The planned link with the Durham Junction Railway at Moorsley NZ3346 was never completed, although shown on some old maps. The rope-hauled incline at Hesleden was bypassed in 1874, so that locomotives could climb without assistance. Durham and Sunderland Railway opened in 1836 from Sunderland Town Moor NZ4057 to Ryhope NZ4152, Seaton Bank Top NZ3949, Murton NZ3847, Haswell NZ3743 and Pittington NZ3245. It reached Sherburn House NZ3041 in 1837 and Shincliffe NZ2840 in 1839. Rope hauled passenger trains lasted for over 20 years before locomotives were used. At Murton Junction there were stationary hauling engines for the lines to Haswell and Hetton. A mineral railway ran from Shincliffe to Croxdale Pit NZ2639. In 1893 the NER opened the branch from Sherburn House Station to Durham Elvet Station NZ2842. RAF aerial photo 1940s - Murton Junction (www2.getmapping.com - zoom out to view 1940s photo). Chilton Branch Waggonway opened in 1836 from the Clarence Railway NZ3230 to Chilton Colliery NZ2730 and Leasingthorne Colliery NZ2530. The waggonway crossed the Great North Road where Chilton Branch Library now stands. Durham Junction Railway opened in 1838 from a junction with the Stanhope and Tyne Railway at Washington NZ3155, via the Victoria Bridge, Penshaw and Fencehouses to Rainton Meadows NZ3247. It is also known as the Leamside Line. The planned link with the Hartlepool Dock and Railway Company line at Haswell NZ3743 was never completed, although shown on some old maps. The DJR built Victoria Bridge NZ3254 across the River Wear. The main arch has a span of 160 feet (about 48 metres) and is the largest masonry railway arch in England. It is also known as Victoria Viaduct. There is a larger span railway bridge in Scotland. The bridge is a Listed Building No. 456/4/17. Trains from London began crossing Victoria Bridge in 1844. They had to go via Brockley Whins to continue on to Gateshead along the former Brandling Junction Railway. The journey from London to Gateshead took over 12 hours. The track is still in place but has not been used for years. There are plans to reopen the line for freight to reduce congestion on the ECML through Durham. In 2003 some miles of steel rail were stolen near Penshaw. Newspaper archives, 21 May 2003:- Aerial views from Wikimapia - Victoria Viaduct - Stolen track - Rainton Crossing "Birds Eye View" from Microsoft - Stolen track - this later view shows most of the sleepers have now been lifted near Penshaw. Great North of England, Clarence and Hartlepool Junction Railway opened in 1839 from the Clarence Railway NZ3033 via West Cornforth, Coxhoe Bridge, Kelloe Bank Head, Trimdon Grange and Wingate NZ4036, joining the Hartlepool Dock and Railway Company NZ4137. The western part was recently used as a mineral railway for Raisby Quarry NZ3435 and Thrislington Cement Works NZ3032. Burnhope Waggonway ran from the Stanhope and Tyne Railway at Grange Villa NZ2352 to Holmside Colliery William Pit NZ2150 (opened 1839) and Burnhope Colliery NZ1948 (opened 1850). William Hedley moved his old locomotive Wylam Dilly from Wylam for use at Holmside Colliery. Sacriston Colliery Waggonway opened in 1839 from the Stanhope and Tyne Railway at Pelton Fell NZ2551 via Waldridge, Sacriston Engine and Daisy Hill to Sacriston Colliery NZ2347. Part of the route from Pelton Fell to Waldridge used the course of a wooden waggonway. There were branches to Witton Colliery, Charlaw Colliery, Nettlesworth Colliery and West Edmondsley Colliery. The Brandling Junction Railway opened in 1839 from Gateshead NZ2563 (425600_563600) to Brockley Whins NZ3462, with branches to Monkwearmouth and South Shields. British History 1:2500 scale 1884 map and Microsoft Virtual Earth showing the site of the BJR Gateshead terminus. High on the south bank of the River Tyne, this became the site of Rooneys Scrap Merchants Ltd. An inclined plane ran down from Gateshead to Redheugh to join the Newcastle and Carlisle Railway. The archway for the incline is still visible in the 1906 King Edward VII railway bridge. British History 1:2500 scale 1895 map of the old BJR station near Felling Metro Station NZ2762. The BJR crossed the Stanhope and Tyne Railway at Pontop Crossing NZ3562. In Monkwearmouth the terminus was at Broad Street NZ3958 (439850_558100) which is now Roker Avenue. A branch from Fulwell ran down to North Dock NZ4058 on the River Wear. The South Shields branch followed the Stanhope and Tyne Railway before turning towards the River Tyne for the Brandling Drops (435700_566700). A station was later built closer to South Shields market place. The BJR was purchased by the Newcastle and Darlington Junction Railway in 1845. Much of the route from Gateshead to Monkwearmouth is used by the Tyne and Wear Metro. West Durham Railway opened in 1840, joining the Clarence Railway at Byers Green NZ2233. It ran to Todd Hill and then down an incline to the River Wear. It then climbed Sunnybrow Incline NZ1934 to Helmington, reaching Old White Lea Colliery NZ1537 in 1841. In 1867 the deviation line around Sunnyside Incline joined the West Durham Railway at West Durham Junction NZ1537. In 1885 the NER line from Bishop Auckland joined the Clarence Railway route at Burnhouse Junction NZ2333. Westerton Railway - Also known as the Binchester Colliery Railway, this ran from the Clarence Railway NZ2633 to Westerton Colliery and Binchester Colliery NZ2331. There was a branch to Dean and Chapter Colliery NZ2833. The Stockton and Hartlepool Railway opened in 1841 from the Clarence Railway at Billingham Junction NZ4623 to Greatham, Seaton Carew and West Hartlepool. It used the Norton branch of the Clarence Railway to reach Norton Road Station in Stockton NZ4419. The Newcastle and Darlington Junction Railway opened in 1844 from a junction with the DJR at Rainton Crossing NZ3248. There were stations at Leamside, Belmont, Sherburn, Shincliffe, Ferryhill, Bradbury and Aycliffe. It crossed the Stockton and Darlington Railway at the famous S&D crossing in Darlington, finally joining the GNER at Parkgate Junction NZ2915 on the old Croft Branch. Belmont Station NZ3044 was the junction for the Durham Gilesgate branch, which is now the route of the A690 road. Gilesgate Station NZ2842 became a goods shed when Durham North Road Station opened in 1857. The goods shed was used by Archibald's builders merchants until it was demolished in recent years. The N&DJR took over the D&SR, BJR, DJR, GNER and P&SSR. The N&DJR became part of the YN&BR in 1847. Rookhope Railway opened in 1846 and ran from Rookhope NY9342 to Park Head Depot NZ0043, where it joined the Stanhope and Tyne Railway. The Rookhope Railway was built by the Weardale Iron Company. At 515 metres, Boltslaw Engine NY9444 was the highest point on a standard gauge line in Britain. Rookhope and Middlehope Railway ran from Rookhope NY9342 to Middlehope Lead Mine NY9040 on Middlehope Burn, high in the Wear Valley. Cambokeels Incline NY9338 was built by German prisoners of war during WWI, 1914 to 1918, down to the NER line between Eastgate and Westgate. Groove Rake (Groverake) - This mineral railway ran from Groove Rake Lead Mine NY8944 to Rookhope NY9342. Rookhope Smelting Mill had a chimney flue about 2500 metres long running up the hillside, ending at Rookhope Chimney NY9044. Fluorspar or Fluorite is still found in this area. York, Newcastle and Berwick Railway - 1849 Pelaw Junction to Usworth Station and Washington Station. This cut-off avoided the longer route via Brockley Whins. Aerial views from Wikimapia - Pelaw Junction - Pontop Crossing, Brockley Whins The Leeds Northern Railway opened in 1852. After crossing the River Tees on a long viaduct at Yarm NZ4113 it ran from Eaglescliffe to Stockton, joining the Clarence Railway at North Shore Junction NZ4420. York, Newcastle and Berwick Railway opened in 1852 from Penshaw Junction, Cox Green, South Hylton and Pallion to Sunderland. The route from South Hylton to Sunderland is used by the Tyne and Wear Metro. The Londonderry, Seaham and Sunderland Railway opened in 1854 from Seaham Station NZ4249 via Ryhope NZ4152 to Hendon NZ4041, to make use of the bigger Sunderland docks. There was a private station at Hall Dene NZ4150 for the use of the occupants of Seaham Hall. Stations and track separate from the D&SR were required from Ryhope to Hendon. The line was taken over by the NER in 1900. A new Seaham Station was built when the 1905 NER line via Dawdon opened. Ryhope Grange Junction to Seaham is still open to passengers on the Sunderland and Hartlepool route. The Forcett Railway - This private railway opened in 1866. It ran from East Layton Quarry, Forcett Quarry and Forcett Goods Station NZ1610, south of the River Tees. Heading northwards, it crossed the Tees near Gainford, to make a junction with the Darlington and Barnard Castle Railway at Forcett Junction NZ1816. The Tees Valley Railway - This independent railway opened in 1868 from Middleton in Teesdale Station NY9424 via Mickleton Station NY9623, Romaldkirk Station NY9922 and Cotherstone Station NZ0119 to Tees Valley Junction NZ0317 on the South Durham and Lancashire Union Railway. The Merrybent and Darlington Railway - This goods line opened in 1870 from the Barnard Castle and Darlington Railway at Merrybent Junction NZ2516 to Merrybent Quarry near Barton NZ2308. After financial difficulties it was acquired by the NER in 1890. The route now lies under the A1(M) motorway. Leamside Line was the former Main Line through Ferryhill, Leamside, Fencehouses, Penshaw and Washington to Pelaw. The companies were the Durham Junction Railway and the Newcastle and Darlington Junction Railway. It was by-passed in 1872 with the opening of the ECML from Tursdale Junction NZ3035 via Croxdale, Relley Mill Junction, Durham, Newton Hall Junction and Chester-le-Street to Gateshead. See the Durham Junction Railway for details of the stolen track near Penshaw. Hylton, Southwick and Monkwearmouth Railway - This 1876 mineral railway was taken over by NER in 1883. It joined the Stanhope and Tyne route at Southwick Junction. The Nissan Motor Works has been built over the western end. The A1231 road follows the railway route into Monkwearmouth. Marsden Railway opened in 1879 from South Shields NZ3666 to Whitburn Colliery NZ4063. The antique passenger trains were known as the The Marsden Rattler. This was part of the Harton Coal Company railway system. The A183 Coast Road was built in the 1920s, running parallel to the railway. At Marsden the railway was moved inland to make room for the Coast Road NZ3964. The railway was nationalised by the National Coal Board in 1947. Public passengers as well as miners were carried until closure in 1968. Marsden Railway - an excellent webpage of history, locos, carriages and tickets. www.mining-memorabilia.co.uk/The_Harton_Coal_Company_And_Marsden_Railway.htm Woodland Branch Railway ran from Woodland Junction NZ1225 to Crake Scar Colliery NZ0727 and Woodland Colliery NZ0626. Tramways ran from Woodland Colliery to Woolly Hills Drifts NZ0424 and Arn Gill Drifts NZ0524. www.woodlandvillage.co.uk by Tim Robinson. Includes history and photographs of the Woodland Branch Railway Fishburn Colliery Railway ran from the Clarence Railway NZ3229 to Fishburn Colliery (opened 1910) NZ3631. The line passed under the A177 road, 500 metres south of Merry Knowle NZ3431. Brick parapets of the bridge are still visible. North Eastern Railway in County Durham 1854 The main railway companies from York to Newcastle and Berwick upon Tweed are combined as the North Eastern Railway, excluding the Stockton and Darlington Railway. 1856 Leamside (Auckland Junction) to Durham North Road and Bishop Auckland. This route is still in use as the ECML between Newton Hall and Relley Mill. 1856 Page Bank Colliery to the Clarence Railway at Spennymoor. 1858 Deerness Valley Junction (or Dearness) to Waterhouses Station at Esh Winning. 1862 Relley Mill Junction to Lanchester and Consett. 1862 The NER laid its first steel rails on the High Level Bridge between Gateshead and Newcastle. 1867 Blaydon Junction to Swalwell, Ebchester and Blackhill. There were numerous viaducts on this route which is still open as the Derwent Walk footpath. 1868 Gateshead West Station via Team Valley to Chester-le-Street and Newton Hall Junction. The ECML curve at Newton Hall was relaid to a larger radius when the line from Leamside closed in the 1960s. 1871 Relley Mill Junction via Croxdale to Hoggersgate Junction (Tursdale). This line completed the ECML of today. 1872 Pelaw to Tyne Dock via Hebburn and Jarrow. This route is used by the Tyne and Wear Metro. 1876 Hylton, Southwick and Monkwearmouth Railway. This mineral railway was taken over by NER in 1883. 1877 The NER laid its last new wrought iron rails. 1877 Cemetery Junctions at Hartlepool, joining the Stockton and Hartlepool line at West Hartlepool. The local service previously ran through the Hartlepool Docks. The present Hartlepool Station was opened by the NER in 1880. 1877 Haswell Curve, joining the Hartlepool Dock and Railway line to the Durham and Sunderland line. 1878 Wellfield Station to Thorpe Thewles and Bowesfield Junction. The Visitor Centre for the Castle Eden Walkway is at Thorpe Thewles Station. 1879 Tyne Dock to South Shields via High Shields Station. This line was abandoned when the Tyne and Wear Metro used the old Stanhope and Tyne route. 1879 Wearmouth Railway Bridge via Sunderland Central Station to Ryhope Grange Junction. 1885 Burnhouse Junction to Byers Green, Coundon and Bishop Auckland. 1886 Annfield Plain deviation to bypass the inclines on the Stanhope and Tyne route, with a new Annfield Plain Station. 1887 Polam Junction to Oak Tree Junction to avoid reversing at Darlington Bank Top Station. 1893 Durham Elvet Station to Sherburn House Station on the Durham and Sunderland line. 1893 Beamish deviation to bypass the inclines at Stanley, via West Stanley Station (Shield Row), Beamish Station and Pelton Station, rejoining the S&TR route at South Pelaw. The track was lifted in 1984 and the tunnel at Beamish is now a Sustrans cycle track. YouTube - "The last train to Consett", 1984. 1893 Dunston Staiths, with a second staith opened in 1903. A line ran via Norwood to the Team Valley Branch. 1895 Stanhope Station to Eastgate, Westgate, St.John's Chapel and Wearhead Station. 1896 Consett curve NZ0949 joining the Lanchester line to the Stanhope and Tyne line. This allowed trains to run a circular service from Newcastle via Rowlands Gill, Blackhill, Consett, Pelton and Birtley to Newcastle. 1901 Billingham Branch from Haverton Hill NZ4822. This area of Billingham became ICI (Imperial Chemical Industries). 1901 Greatham Creek Branch from Port Clarence NZ5021 to Cowpen Marsh, following the High Water Mark of the 1861 map. Much land has been reclaimed from the marshes in this area of the Tees estuary. 1904 Dunston Branch from Norwood Junction to Derwent Haugh, bypassing the original Newcastle and Carlisle route along the River Tyne. Dunston Power Station was built on this land. The 1904 line carries the present-day service between Newcastle and Carlisle, with a new station at Metro Centre. Dunston Station has reopened. 1905 Seaham Station to Dawdon Colliery, Easington, Horden, Blackhall and Hart Junction Station. 1906 King Edward VII Bridge between Newcastle and Gateshead. This avoided reversing at Newcastle Central station for trains running between Edinburgh and London Kings Cross. 1907 Dunston Branch from King Edward VII Bridge. This allowed a passenger service between Newcastle and Dunston Station. 1907 Seaton Snook Branch from Seaton Snook Junction NZ5128 to the Central Zinc and Acid Works (1920s map). This area now includes the AbleUK Offshore Structure Disposal Facility (ghost ships) and Hartlepool Nuclear Power Station. On the 1861 map Seaton Snook Point was an island. 1909 Queen Alexandra Bridge between Southwick and Sunderland. The railway tracks on the upper deck were removed in the 1920s. 1920 Billingham Beck Branch from North Shore Junction NZ4420. This line crossed the land reclaimed from the Tees when Portrack Cut was made. 1923 NER becomes part of the London and North Eastern Railway (LNER).	i don't know
Give any year in the life of the pirate captain William Kidd.	William Kidd facts, information, pictures \| Encyclopedia.com articles about William Kidd COPYRIGHT 2004 The Gale Group Inc. William Kidd Captain William Kidd (c. 1645-1701) was one of the most notorious pirates in history. He sailed the coast of North America, the Caribbean, and the Indian Ocean, plundering ships. To this day, rumors persist that he left behind a great treasure. Not much is known about Kidd's origins or early life, which is not unusual, since few records were made of people of common birth in the 17th century. Even after he became famous, no one thought to write down any information about his youth or his parentage. At the time of Kidd's execution, the pastor of the prison where he was held noted that the prisoner was a Scot about 56 years of age. Other than that, no verifiable facts are known, but a long-standing tradition holds that Kidd was the son of a Presbyterian minister and that he was born in Greenock, Scotland, about 1645. Greenock is a port town, and anyone raised there would have seen ships come and go from the docks. Kidd evidently found the life of a sailor more interesting than following in his father's footsteps. The first records of his life date from 1689, when he was about 44 years old and was a member of a French-English pirate crew that sailed in the Caribbean. Kidd and other members of the crew had mutinied, ousted the captain of the ship, and sailed to the English colony of Nevis. There they renamed the ship the Blessed William. Kidd became captain, either the result of an election of the ship's crew or appointment by Christopher Codrington, governor of the island of Nevis. Kidd and the Blessed William became part of a small fleet assembled by Codrington to defend Nevis from the French, with whom the English were at war. In either case, he must have been an experienced leader and sailor by that time. As the governor did not want to pay the sailors for their defensive services, he told them they could take their pay from the French. Kidd and his men attacked the French island of Mariegalante, destroyed the only town, and looted the area to the tune of 2,000 pounds Sterling. No Honor among Thieves Shortly after his conquest of Mariegalante, Kidd and the crew of the Blessed William joined the British navy in a battle against French warships. Many members of Kidd's crew considered this a dangerous waste of time since there was no treasure to steal on the enemy warships, and they turned against him. Kidd explained that they were working for the British and therefore obligated to help the Royal Navy, but his words fell on deaf ears. When he rowed ashore while his ship was anchored at Nevis, his crew stole the ship, as well as Kidd's 2,000-pound fortune. Governor Codrington provided Kidd with another ship and gave him leave to hunt down his disloyal crew. Kidd sailed from Nevis intending to do just that, but once at sea he changed his mind and instead sailed to New York. At the time a British colony, New York was in open revolt against the British. Loyal to the crown, Kidd offered to carry guns and ammunition for the British, who were trying to assert their authority over the colony. In reward for his loyalty, the provincial assembly gave him 150 pounds and praised his efforts. While in New York, Kidd met Sarah Bradley Cox Oort, a woman married to John Oort, a rich gentleman who owned several docks, as well as what is now Wall Street. Two days after John Oort's mysterious death, Kidd and Sarah Oort applied for a marriage license. Although no one discovered the truth behind John Oort's death, some historians believe Kidd killed him—perhaps with the aid of Sarah. Sarah Kidd inherited her ex-husband's fortune, and Kidd gained control over it. Suddenly he was a very rich man, with land, docks, and a ship called the Antigua, which he was given while in the Caribbean. He loved his wife and the two daughters she brought with her to the marriage. While he could have retired from the sea, Kidd remained restless. Privateer with King William's Blessing In the spring of 1695 Kidd and his friend Robert Livingston came up with a scheme. Marauding pirates were constantly disrupting English shipping traffic. To solve this problem it was decided that Kidd would sail to pirate-infested waters and take pirates into custody. He would then "recover" the booty the captured pirates had plundered from other ships, and would divide it among Kidd and Livingston's several investors, who would include King William of England. King William would enthusiastically support this plan, because the pirates were cutting off England's shipping and because he would receive a cut of the profits. The key, Kidd and Livingston knew, was to leave untouched English ships but to prey only on those of other countries— particularly Portugal, France, and Spain. Under this scheme, they could continue to enjoy a life of piracy while remaining protected by the official sponsorship of the King of England. King William was enthusiastic about this idea and, according to an essay posted on the Discovery.com Web site, granted Kidd power to apprehend "pirates, free-booters, and sea-rovers, being our subjects or of other nations associated with them." If they resisted, Kidd was authorized to use force against them. He was also given permission to take French ships, because at the time, England and France were at war. However, he was not allowed to attack English ships, or those of allies of England. By August 1696 eight partners had signed on to the venture, including the king, who would receive ten percent of the profits. The partners contributed to the venture and purchased a ship, the Adventure Galley, for 6,000 pounds. The ship was outfitted with 30 cannons and was altered to sail more quickly. In February of 1697 Kidd left Plymouth, England, with a crew of 80 men, and set sail for Madagascar, a hotbed of pirate activity. It remains uncertain whether Kidd intended to take any ship he wanted, or whether he seriously intended to prey only on ships owned by enemies of England. To his dying day he denied ever intending to become a true pirate. After arriving in the Indian Ocean, however, he soon became known and feared by other captains. Murder of Robert Moore Signaled Downfall A discontented crew member named Robert Moore complained about Kidd's commission to attack only non-English ships, arguing that the captain and crew would have earned more plunder if Kidd had been more aggressive. The two fought, and Kidd finally picked up a wooden bucket and smashed it over Moore's head, killing the sailor instantly. The murder did little to improve Kidd's popularity among his ship's crew, and to regain their esteem he tossed aside his reluctance to attack English ships. From this point on, any ship on the open sea was fair game. Kidd and his crew sailed continuously, scarcely ever putting in to port for repairs, and eventually the Adventure Galley was close to sinking. Too worn to be of any further use, the pirate ship was run aground. The pirate captain transferred his booty and possessions to the Quedah Merchant, which he had captured. King Ordered Kidd's Death By this time, English sea captains who had escaped Kidd's predation had begun complaining to their king about the scourge of piracy in the Indian Ocean. King William ordered Kidd, to be put to death if caught, although he never admitted that it had been under his commission that the pirate had first begun his activities. Kidd was eventually apprehended and imprisoned in Boston, in the colony of Massachusetts, where he had sailed after leaving the Indian Ocean. After languishing in a colonial jail, Kidd was transferred to England and jailed in Newgate Prison, a notoriously filthy and pestilential place. As Robert C. Ritchie wrote in Captain Kidd and the War against the Pirates, "the very special nature of Kidd's circumstances brought him to a terrible sentence, discharged in awful conditions; although his health was frequently poor, his constitution, long attuned to the rough life at sea, kept him alive." Trial and Conviction In the spring of 1701 Kidd was finally brought to trial for piracy and the murder of the sailor Moore. His trial began on May 8, 1701, and was over the next day. Accused prisoners had to defend themselves, and were only brought to trial if the prosecutors were sure they would be convicted. Kidd, as expected, was rapidly convicted, although he protested that he was not a pirate—he had been carrying out the terms of his commission to take any ship that was not English, and he asserted that he had only plundered French ships. Of Moore's death, Kidd maintained that he had not intended to kill the seaman, but had struck him in the heat of anger. Kidd was scheduled to be executed for his crimes against England on Friday, May 23, 1701. Late in the afternoon on that date, two horse-drawn carts arrived to take him and other prisoners to the gallows. The prisoners were accompanied by officials in a symbolic parade, and were followed by a crowd of curious onlookers who yelled at the condemned, in turn offering them liquor and cursing at them. Kidd was already drunk at this point, a disappointment to Paul Lorrain, the prison pastor, who hoped that the noted pirate would repent and confess his guilt. Although drunk, Kidd was coherent enough to give a final speech, in which he blamed others for his fate and said the only thing he was sorry about was leaving his wife and children. When the hangman attempted to hang him, the rope broke, and Kidd fell to the ground, stunned but still alive. The hangman picked him up and made a new rope ready. Meanwhile, Lorrain once again pleaded with Kidd to repent, and this time the clergyman was successful—at least according to Lorrain's later report. Pastor and condemned man prayed together for a short time before the hangman completed his work, thus putting an end to Kidd's pirate career. Afterward, Kidd's body was strung up along the banks of the Thames River in London, a warning to others who might consider taking up a life of piracy. His abandoned ship, the Adventure Galley, remained in the shallow water of the harbor of Ile Sainte Marie for many years, her decaying form visible to other ships passing by. Eventually she rotted, her remains filtering beneath the shifting sands, and was forgotten for over 300 years. Search for Kidd's Lost Treasure After Kidd's death a story circulated that he had left a vast treasure behind. Searches were conducted all over the world, in every place that he touched shore. In the 19th century, companies were formed for the express purpose of searching New York's lower Hudson River valley for signs of this pirate gold. Even into the 21st century such searches continue. In 1999 treasure hunter Barry Clifford began a search for the Adventure Galley in Ile Sainte Marie, Madagascar. He had discovered the remains of the Whydah, the only authenticated pirate ship then known to be in existence, off the coast of Massachusetts in 1984. One of the first signs of the lost wreck was a pile of stones, metal, and porcelain; the porcelain turned out to be remnants of Ming vases made between 1666 and 1722, the time when Kidd roamed the seas. Existing historical records verified that Kidd's ship would have held such cargo. Also found were rum bottles, ship fittings, and cannon. In addition, the wreckage was in the right place. At Kidd's trial, one of his crew had described the location where the ship had been run aground. This was the only place in Ile Sainte Marie that fit. On June 22, 1999, a member of Clifford's expedition found two gold coins that might have come from Kidd's ship. According to Discover.com , pirate experts hypothesized that, although Kidd transferred some of his booty from the Adventure Galley to the Quedah Merchant, he might not have been able to retrieve every last gold piece from the leaky and flooded hold. The coins discovered by Clifford fit what is known about Kidd's last attack, which was on a ship sailing from the East Indies: one of the coins was Islamic, the other Ottoman. While the evidence indicated that the ship may have been Kidd's, it was by no means conclusive proof. Expedition members were forced by the Malagasy government to leave the country before conclusive evidence could be uncovered. However, as Clifford was quoted as saying by Discover.com , "Everyone who has ever walked a beach from the Dominican Republic to Maine has looked for the pirate treasure of Captain Kidd. Daniel Defoe thought about Kidd's treasure when he wrote about pirates [under the pseudonym Captain Charles Johnson] and Robert Louis Stevenson wrote about it in Treasure Island. Now we have done it. We may have touched Kidd's treasure." Books Johnson, Captain Charles, A General History of the Robberies and Murders of the Most Notorious Pirates, Lyons Press, 1998. Ritchie, Robert C., Captain Kidd and the War against the Pirates, Harvard University Press, 1986. Online The Columbia Encyclopedia, 6th ed. Copyright The Columbia University Press William Kidd, 1645?–1701, British privateer and pirate, known as Captain Kidd. He went to sea in his youth and later settled in New York, where he married and owned property. In 1691 he was rewarded for his services against French privateers. While in London in 1695 he was commissioned by the earl of Bellomont, recently appointed governor of New York, as a privateer to defend English ships from pirates in the Red Sea and the Indian Ocean. In 1696, Kidd set sail for New York and from there to Madagascar. Disease, mutiny, and failure to take prizes apparently caused him to turn pirate. Returning (1699) to the West Indies with his richest prize, the Armenian Quedagh Merchant, he learned of piracy charges against him. He sailed to New York to clear himself by claiming that the vessels he had attacked were lawful prizes. He was arrested and taken to London, where in 1701 he was tried on five charges of piracy and one of murder. The trial was complicated by the fact that four Whig peers who had backed him were politically embarrassed by his career. He was convicted and hanged. The barbaric cruelty and buried treasure of Captain Kidd are unsubstantiated bits of the legends about him. The Kidd legend has often been referred to in literature, for instance in Edgar Allen Poe's Gold Bug and Robert Louis Stevenson's Treasure Island. See D. C. Seitz, ed., The Tryal of Captain William Kidd (1935); biographies by W. H. Bonner (1947), D. M. Hinrichs (1955), and R. Zacks (2005). Cite this article	1645 1701
How was the character Subtle known in the title of a play by Ben Jonson?	William Kidd Facts ADD TO WORD LIST William Kidd Facts Captain William Kidd (c. 1645-1701) was one of the most notorious pirates in history. He sailed the coast of North America, the Caribbean, and the Indian Ocean, plundering ships. To this day, rumors persist that he left behind a great treasure. Not much is known about Kidd's origins or early life, which is not unusual, since few records were made of people of common birth in the 17th century. Even after he became famous, no one thought to write down any information about his youth or his parentage. At the time of Kidd's execution, the pastor of the prison where he was held noted that the prisoner was a Scot about 56 years of age. Other than that, no verifiable facts are known, but a long-standing tradition holds that Kidd was the son of a Presbyterian minister and that he was born in Greenock, Scotland, about 1645. Greenock is a port town, and anyone raised there would have seen ships come and go from the docks. Kidd evidently found the life of a sailor more interesting than following in his father's footsteps. The first records of his life date from 1689, when he was about 44 years old and was a member of a French-English pirate crew that sailed in the Caribbean. Kidd and other members of the crew had mutinied, ousted the captain of the ship, and sailed to the English colony of Nevis. There they renamed the ship the Blessed William. Kidd became captain, either the result of an election of the ship's crew or appointment by Christopher Codrington, governor of the island of Nevis. Kidd and the Blessed William became part of a small fleet assembled by Codrington to defend Nevis from the French, with whom the English were at war. In either case, he must have been an experienced leader and sailor by that time. As the governor did not want to pay the sailors for their defensive services, he told them they could take their pay from the French. Kidd and his men attacked the French island of Mariegalante, destroyed the only town, and looted the area to the tune of 2,000 pounds Sterling. No Honor among Thieves Shortly after his conquest of Mariegalante, Kidd and the crew of the Blessed William joined the British navy in a battle against French warships. Many members of Kidd's crew considered this a dangerous waste of time since there was no treasure to steal on the enemy warships, and they turned against him. Kidd explained that they were working for the British and therefore obligated to help the Royal Navy, but his words fell on deaf ears. When he rowed ashore while his ship was anchored at Nevis, his crew stole the ship, as well as Kidd's 2,000-pound fortune. Governor Codrington provided Kidd with another ship and gave him leave to hunt down his disloyal crew. Kidd sailed from Nevis intending to do just that, but once at sea he changed his mind and instead sailed to New York. At the time a British colony, New York was in open revolt against the British. Loyal to the crown, Kidd offered to carry guns and ammunition for the British, who were trying to assert their authority over the colony. In reward for his loyalty, the provincial assembly gave him 150 pounds and praised his efforts. While in New York, Kidd met Sarah Bradley Cox Oort, a woman married to John Oort, a rich gentleman who owned several docks, as well as what is now Wall Street. Two days after John Oort's mysterious death, Kidd and Sarah Oort applied for a marriage license. Although no one discovered the truth behind John Oort's death, some historians believe Kidd killed him—perhaps with the aid of Sarah. Sarah Kidd inherited her ex-husband's fortune, and Kidd gained control over it. Suddenly he was a very rich man, with land, docks, and a ship called the Antigua, which he was given while in the Caribbean. He loved his wife and the two daughters she brought with her to the marriage. While he could have retired from the sea, Kidd remained restless. Privateer with King William's Blessing In the spring of 1695 Kidd and his friend Robert Livingston came up with a scheme. Marauding pirates were constantly disrupting English shipping traffic. To solve this problem it was decided that Kidd would sail to pirate-infested waters and take pirates into custody. He would then "recover" the booty the captured pirates had plundered from other ships, and would divide it among Kidd and Livingston's several investors, who would include King William of England. King William would enthusiastically support this plan, because the pirates were cutting off England's shipping and because he would receive a cut of the profits. The key, Kidd and Livingston knew, was to leave untouched English ships but to prey only on those of other countries— particularly Portugal, France, and Spain. Under this scheme, they could continue to enjoy a life of piracy while remaining protected by the official sponsorship of the King of England. King William was enthusiastic about this idea and, according to an essay posted on the Discovery.com Web site, granted Kidd power to apprehend "pirates, free-booters, and sea-rovers, being our subjects or of other nations associated with them." If they resisted, Kidd was authorized to use force against them. He was also given permission to take French ships, because at the time, England and France were at war. However, he was not allowed to attack English ships, or those of allies of England. By August 1696 eight partners had signed on to the venture, including the king, who would receive ten percent of the profits. The partners contributed to the venture and purchased a ship, the Adventure Galley, for 6,000 pounds. The ship was outfitted with 30 cannons and was altered to sail more quickly. In February of 1697 Kidd left Plymouth, England, with a crew of 80 men, and set sail for Madagascar, a hotbed of pirate activity. It remains uncertain whether Kidd intended to take any ship he wanted, or whether he seriously intended to prey only on ships owned by enemies of England. To his dying day he denied ever intending to become a true pirate. After arriving in the Indian Ocean, however, he soon became known and feared by other captains. Murder of Robert Moore Signaled Downfall A discontented crew member named Robert Moore complained about Kidd's commission to attack only non-English ships, arguing that the captain and crew would have earned more plunder if Kidd had been more aggressive. The two fought, and Kidd finally picked up a wooden bucket and smashed it over Moore's head, killing the sailor instantly. The murder did little to improve Kidd's popularity among his ship's crew, and to regain their esteem he tossed aside his reluctance to attack English ships. From this point on, any ship on the open sea was fair game. Kidd and his crew sailed continuously, scarcely ever putting in to port for repairs, and eventually the Adventure Galley was close to sinking. Too worn to be of any further use, the pirate ship was run aground. The pirate captain transferred his booty and possessions to the Quedah Merchant, which he had captured. King Ordered Kidd's Death By this time, English sea captains who had escaped Kidd's predation had begun complaining to their king about the scourge of piracy in the Indian Ocean. King William ordered Kidd, to be put to death if caught, although he never admitted that it had been under his commission that the pirate had first begun his activities. Kidd was eventually apprehended and imprisoned in Boston, in the colony of Massachusetts, where he had sailed after leaving the Indian Ocean. After languishing in a colonial jail, Kidd was transferred to England and jailed in Newgate Prison, a notoriously filthy and pestilential place. As Robert C. Ritchie wrote in Captain Kidd and the War against the Pirates, "the very special nature of Kidd's circumstances brought him to a terrible sentence, discharged in awful conditions; although his health was frequently poor, his constitution, long attuned to the rough life at sea, kept him alive." Trial and Conviction In the spring of 1701 Kidd was finally brought to trial for piracy and the murder of the sailor Moore. His trial began on May 8, 1701, and was over the next day. Accused prisoners had to defend themselves, and were only brought to trial if the prosecutors were sure they would be convicted. Kidd, as expected, was rapidly convicted, although he protested that he was not a pirate—he had been carrying out the terms of his commission to take any ship that was not English, and he asserted that he had only plundered French ships. Of Moore's death, Kidd maintained that he had not intended to kill the seaman, but had struck him in the heat of anger. Kidd was scheduled to be executed for his crimes against England on Friday, May 23, 1701. Late in the afternoon on that date, two horse-drawn carts arrived to take him and other prisoners to the gallows. The prisoners were accompanied by officials in a symbolic parade, and were followed by a crowd of curious onlookers who yelled at the condemned, in turn offering them liquor and cursing at them. Kidd was already drunk at this point, a disappointment to Paul Lorrain, the prison pastor, who hoped that the noted pirate would repent and confess his guilt. Although drunk, Kidd was coherent enough to give a final speech, in which he blamed others for his fate and said the only thing he was sorry about was leaving his wife and children. When the hangman attempted to hang him, the rope broke, and Kidd fell to the ground, stunned but still alive. The hangman picked him up and made a new rope ready. Meanwhile, Lorrain once again pleaded with Kidd to repent, and this time the clergyman was successful—at least according to Lorrain's later report. Pastor and condemned man prayed together for a short time before the hangman completed his work, thus putting an end to Kidd's pirate career. Afterward, Kidd's body was strung up along the banks of the Thames River in London, a warning to others who might consider taking up a life of piracy. His abandoned ship, the Adventure Galley, remained in the shallow water of the harbor of Ile Sainte Marie for many years, her decaying form visible to other ships passing by. Eventually she rotted, her remains filtering beneath the shifting sands, and was forgotten for over 300 years. Search for Kidd's Lost Treasure After Kidd's death a story circulated that he had left a vast treasure behind. Searches were conducted all over the world, in every place that he touched shore. In the 19th century, companies were formed for the express purpose of searching New York's lower Hudson River valley for signs of this pirate gold. Even into the 21st century such searches continue. In 1999 treasure hunter Barry Clifford began a search for the Adventure Galley in Ile Sainte Marie, Madagascar. He had discovered the remains of the Whydah, the only authenticated pirate ship then known to be in existence, off the coast of Massachusetts in 1984. One of the first signs of the lost wreck was a pile of stones, metal, and porcelain; the porcelain turned out to be remnants of Ming vases made between 1666 and 1722, the time when Kidd roamed the seas. Existing historical records verified that Kidd's ship would have held such cargo. Also found were rum bottles, ship fittings, and cannon. In addition, the wreckage was in the right place. At Kidd's trial, one of his crew had described the location where the ship had been run aground. This was the only place in Ile Sainte Marie that fit. On June 22, 1999, a member of Clifford's expedition found two gold coins that might have come from Kidd's ship. According to Discover.com, pirate experts hypothesized that, although Kidd transferred some of his booty from the Adventure Galley to the Quedah Merchant, he might not have been able to retrieve every last gold piece from the leaky and flooded hold. The coins discovered by Clifford fit what is known about Kidd's last attack, which was on a ship sailing from the East Indies: one of the coins was Islamic, the other Ottoman. While the evidence indicated that the ship may have been Kidd's, it was by no means conclusive proof. Expedition members were forced by the Malagasy government to leave the country before conclusive evidence could be uncovered. However, as Clifford was quoted as saying by Discover.com, "Everyone who has ever walked a beach from the Dominican Republic to Maine has looked for the pirate treasure of Captain Kidd. Daniel Defoe thought about Kidd's treasure when he wrote about pirates [under the pseudonym Captain Charles Johnson] and Robert Louis Stevenson wrote about it in Treasure Island. Now we have done it. We may have touched Kidd's treasure." Books Johnson, Captain Charles, A General History of the Robberies and Murders of the Most Notorious Pirates, Lyons Press, 1998. Ritchie, Robert C., Captain Kidd and the War against the Pirates, Harvard University Press, 1986.	i don't know
Which number on the Beaufort scale denotes a strong gale?	Beaufort Wind Scale Beaufort Wind Scale Developed in 1805 by Sir Francis Beaufort, U.K. Royal Navy Force Sea surface smooth and mirror-like Calm, smoke rises vertically Scaly ripples, no foam crests Smoke drift indicates wind direction, still wind vanes 2 Small wavelets, crests glassy, no breaking Wind felt on face, leaves rustle, vanes begin to move 3 Large wavelets, crests begin to break, scattered whitecaps Leaves and small twigs constantly moving, light flags extended 4 Small waves 1-4 ft. becoming longer, numerous whitecaps Dust, leaves, and loose paper lifted, small tree branches move 5 Moderate waves 4-8 ft taking longer form, many whitecaps, some spray Small trees in leaf begin to sway 6 Larger waves 8-13 ft, whitecaps common, more spray Larger tree branches moving, whistling in wires 7 Sea heaps up, waves 13-19 ft, white foam streaks off breakers Whole trees moving, resistance felt walking against wind 8 34-40 Gale Moderately high (18-25 ft) waves of greater length, edges of crests begin to break into spindrift, foam blown in streaks Twigs breaking off trees, generally impedes progress 9 41-47 Strong Gale High waves (23-32 ft), sea begins to roll, dense streaks of foam, spray may reduce visibility Slight structural damage occurs, slate blows off roofs 10 48-55 Storm Very high waves (29-41 ft) with overhanging crests, sea white with densely blown foam, heavy rolling, lowered visibility Seldom experienced on land, trees broken or uprooted, "considerable structural damage" 11	nine
Which word in relation to bones and writing means 'Wedge Shaped'?	Beaufort Series \| Article about Beaufort Series by The Free Dictionary Beaufort Series \| Article about Beaufort Series by The Free Dictionary http://encyclopedia2.thefreedictionary.com/Beaufort+Series Also found in: Dictionary , Thesaurus , Wikipedia . Beaufort scale, a scale of wind wind, flow of air relative to the earth's surface. A wind is named according to the point of the compass from which it blows, e.g., a wind blowing from the north is a north wind. ..... Click the link for more information. velocity devised (c.1805) by Admiral Sir Francis Beaufort of the British navy. An adaptation of Beaufort's scale is used by the U.S. National Weather Service; it employs a scale from 0 to 12, representing calm, light air, light breeze, gentle breeze, moderate breeze, fresh breeze, strong breeze, moderate gale, fresh gale, strong gale, whole gale, storm, hurricane. Zero (calm) is a wind velocity of less than 1 mi (1.6 km) per hr, and 12 (hurricane) represents a velocity of more than 74 mi (119 km) per hr. Beaufort's original scale was later correlated to wind speed in two different ways. The U.S. and British scale is for winds measured at a 36-ft elevation, while the international scale requires only a 20-ft elevation. The Beaufort scale is the oldest method of judging wind force. Separate scales for tornadoes and hurricanes did not come until the 1970s. The Fujita scale Fujita scale or F-Scale, scale for rating the severity of tornadoes as a measure of the damage they cause, devised in 1951 by the Japanese-American meteorologist Tetsuya (Ted) Fujita (1920–98). ..... Click the link for more information. for tornadoes was proposed in 1971 by Tetsuya (Ted) Fujita; in 2007 the Enhanced Fujita scale, incorporating improved knowledge of wind destruction, as was adopted. Soon after the development of the Fujita scale the Saffir-Simpson scale Saffir-Simpson scale , standard scale for rating the severity of hurricanes as a measure of the damage they cause; it is based on observations of numerous North Atlantic Basin hurricanes. ..... Click the link for more information. for hurricanes was formulated by Herbert Saffir and Robert Simpson. Bibliography	i don't know
Dogberry is a constable in which play by William Shakespeare?	William Shakespeares Much Ado About Nothing William Shakespeares Much Ado About Nothing Published: Last Edited: 23rd March, 2015 This essay has been submitted by a student. This is not an example of the work written by our professional essay writers. In the play Much Ado About Nothing by William Shakespeare, Act 4 brings about the falling action of the play. Act 4 presents the important themes that run through the play. It also presents one of the main scenes in which tragedy strikes. In scene 2 of act 4 the constables, Dogberry and Verges have held Borachio, Don John's henchman and Conrade and the Watch for questioning, in a bid to find out the truth (to see who is telling the truth, whether Claudio or hero and who is behind it). Here at the prison where these men are held there is the Sexton, the town clerk who is under the authority of it all. A sexton was a minor church official in charge of church property or was a town clerk. Dogberry, Verges and the Sexton both enter on stage wearing black gowns which were the official robes of St. Elizabethan Constables. They also serve the purpose of coming to the bottom of what caused Hero to "die" metaphorically. Some of the elements of drama that are presented in scene 2 are: Entrances, internal stage directions dialogue and costumes. These elements guide you in visualizing what is taking place on stage in front of an audience. In line two, it appears that Verges is in charge of arranging the examination room where the prison is. This was .evident when he stated "O, a stool and a cushion for the Sexton." Dogberry and Verges are also presented as two low class actors who come on stage and do what is called low comedy such as tripping, slapping. This is effective as it helps in their investigation. And this type of comedy helps to bring back a good mood as a result of the tragedy that took place in scene one. The low comedy was evident in Dogberry and Verges' use of malapropism (comical misuse of a word by confusion with one which sounds similar) in their speech. This was evident in lines 38 in which Dogberry states "yes, marry that's the eftest way." Eftest is a nonsense word, he seems to mean fastest. In line 14 Dogberry refers to Conrade as "Sirrah." This means fellow, a term of contempt which Conrade's insistence on his status seeks to reject. While questioning Conrade and Borachio, the Sexton tries to make sense of Dogberry's and Verges' nonsense and he suggests to them that they should go and call the Watch that are their accusers. This was evident in lines 35-37 which states, "Masters Constable, you go not the way to examine. You must call forth the Watch that are their accusers." Leonato had probably ordered them to find out who was behind causing the shame of his daughter, Hero. The first watchman states that Borachio said that Don John was a villain and that Claudio meant to disgrace Hero before the whole assembly. This was stated in lines 55-56: "And that count Claudio did mean, upon his words to disgrace Hero before the whole assembly, and not marry her." This implies that Claudio wanted the strength of his words to really embarrass and disgrace her. The second Watchman states that Borachio had received a thousand ducats from Don John for accusing Hero wrongfully. These statements all suggest conspiracy. Â In lines 59 Dogberry states: "O, villain thou wilt be condemned into everlasting redemption for this." Redemption is malapropism for damnation. He is referring to Don John. At this Â the Sexton has concluded that Don John Â is the mastermind Â behind all of this, (Hero being accused wrongfully) and he is going to tell Leonato about it so he ordered that the men Â be bound and brought to Leonato. At this Dogberry said "come, let them be opinioned' In line 69. 'Opinioned' is malapropism for 'pinioned.' Both Borachio and Conrade are carried away and Conrade resists and is referred to as a 'naughty varlet 'by Dogberry, This means that means he sees him as a worthless Knave/rascal. Conrade curses back and Dogberry states another malapropism towards him. In lines 76, 77 he states "Dost thou not suspect my place?" suspect is malapropism for respect. He is stating that comrade does not respect his authority. He states that he is a 'householder' in lines 83. A householder is a person qualified to vote by ownership of property. At this he wants to show that he warrants the respect that Conrade needs to show him. In lines 83-84 Dogberry continues and he states "as pretty as a piece of flesh as any is in Messina" he is suggesting that he is impressive in appearance but also in social reputation. There is a stage tradition of playing Dogberry as fat. There also could be a sexual innuendo, on 'flesh,' as the male sexual organ. It seems as if Dogberry is very proud of his reputation and now he is becoming very boastful about it. In lines 85-86 he states, "and a fellow that hath had losses, and one that had two gowns â€¦" he is suggesting that he has been wealthy enough to afford to lose money and still have two gowns. Â Act 4 Scene 2 - Theme analysis There are a few themes and issues that are presented in this scene of the play. These themes are: Appearance versus reality, attitude to power and authority and loyalty and trust. The theme of Appearance versus reality comes out in scene 2 of Act 4. In this scene Dogberry and Verges are presented as constables who are seen as unprofessional. Their unprofessionalism is presented through their speaking. This is evident in many lines; among these is in line 1 where Dogberry asks "Is our whole dissembly appeared? 'Dissembly' should be replaced with the word 'assembly'. And in line 5 when Verges states that "Nay, that's certain, we have the exhibition to examine." 'Exhibition' should be replaced with the word 'commission.' Â In their speech you see the wrong use of words and wrong construction of their sentences. Conrade and Borachio are seen as villains in conspiracy with Don John. In their encounter with Dogberry and Verges the theme of "Attitude to power and authority" comes out in two different instances. It is shown when Conrade was brought before Dogberry and was asked his name (Yours Sirrah?)Â in lines 14, which means male social inferior. He responded to Dogberry by answering saying "I am a gentle man sir and my name is Conrade." By referring to Dogberry as "sir" it shows that he probably has some respect toward his status as a Constable. However, Conrade seemed unable to uphold that respect towards the end of Â the act when he called Dogberry an 'ass' by resisting and shouting, " You are an ass, you are an ass!" In addition to this another theme that takes precedence in the scene is loyalty and trust. It is present where as Borachio and Conrade told the constables the truth by revealing that Don John had paid them a sum of money to accuse hero. It is shown when the Watchman says to the constables and the Sexton that he had "received a thousand ducats of Don John for accusing the lady Hero wrongfully."Â They weren't loyal to Don John in keeping their Conspiracy a secret. Act 4 Scene 2- Technique critique. Â Â 1) "Is our whole dissembly appeared?" (Dogberry-line 1). In this line there is the use of a device known as Malapropism. Instead of saying dissembly Dogberry should have said assembly. 2) "â€¦, we have the exhibition to examine (Verges - line 5). Malapropism is used here. Verges is supposed to say commission instead of exhibition. 3)"â€¦, that the eftest way." (Dogberry line 38). Malapropism is evident here. Eftest is perhaps Â a mistake for fastest. Â Â Â Â Â 4) "â€¦, this is flat perjury" (Dogberry line 44). Malapropism is seen here where Dogberry said 'perjury' when he should have said 'treachery.' Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 5) "â€¦, thou art full of piety" (Dogberry line 81) can also be seen as Malapropism since Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â piety is perhaps a mistake for 'impiety' 6) "Dost thou not suspect my place (Dogberry-line 77) suspect is malapropism forÂ respect. 7) "Dost thou not suspect my years?" (Dogberry line 77). This is referring to age but years can be a pun if it is heard as 'ears.' 8) "â€¦-go to!-â€¦go to-â€¦" (Dogberry line 85) This is intensifying exclamation which is a command to move forward. 9) "Thou naughty varlet."(Dogberry line 74). This can be seen as a metaphor where comrade is compared to a rascal who is a worthless person. It can also be used to create humour. 10) "As pretty as a piece of flesh" lines 83-84. This can be seen as a paradox because Dogberry is referring to himself as a person who is impressive in appearance and in social reputation, this may be true but it seems contradictory when you look at him and the comical way in which he speaks. 10)"away! You are an ass, you are an ass! (Conrade-line 75)- This is a metaphor since Conrade is comparing Dogberry to an ass (someone who is stupid and worthless).	Much Ado About Nothing
Who wrote the book 'Ring of Bright Water’?	SparkNotes: Much Ado About Nothing: Character List Much Ado About Nothing Plot Overview Analysis of Major Characters Beatrice - Leonato’s niece and Hero’s cousin. Beatrice is “a pleasant-spirited lady” with a very sharp tongue. She is generous and loving, but, like Benedick, continually mocks other people with elaborately tooled jokes and puns. She wages a war of wits against Benedick and often wins the battles. At the outset of the play, she appears content never to marry. Read an in-depth analysis of Beatrice. Benedick - An aristocratic soldier who has recently been fighting under Don Pedro, and a friend of Don Pedro and Claudio. Benedick is very witty, always making jokes and puns. He carries on a “merry war” of wits with Beatrice, but at the beginning of the play he swears he will never fall in love or marry. Read an in-depth analysis of Benedick. Claudio - A young soldier who has won great acclaim fighting under Don Pedro during the recent wars. Claudio falls in love with Hero upon his return to Messina. His unfortunately suspicious nature makes him quick to believe evil rumors and hasty to despair and take revenge. Hero - The beautiful young daughter of Leonato and the cousin of Beatrice. Hero is lovely, gentle, and kind. She falls in love with Claudio when he falls for her, but when Don John slanders her and Claudio rashly takes revenge, she suffers terribly. Don Pedro - An important nobleman from Aragon, sometimes referred to as “Prince.” Don Pedro is a longtime friend of Leonato, Hero’s father, and is also close to the soldiers who have been fighting under him—the younger Benedick and the very young Claudio. Don Pedro is generous, courteous, intelligent, and loving to his friends, but he is also quick to believe evil of others and hasty to take revenge. He is the most politically and socially powerful character in the play. Read an in-depth analysis of Don Pedro. Leonato - A respected, well-to-do, elderly noble at whose home, in Messina, Italy, the action is set. Leonato is the father of Hero and the uncle of Beatrice. As governor of Messina, he is second in social power only to Don Pedro. Don John - The illegitimate brother of Don Pedro; sometimes called “the Bastard.” Don John is melancholy and sullen by nature, and he creates a dark scheme to ruin the happiness of Hero and Claudio. He is the villain of the play; his evil actions are motivated by his envy of his brother’s social authority. Margaret - Hero’s serving woman, who unwittingly helps Borachio and Don John deceive Claudio into thinking that Hero is unfaithful. Unlike Ursula, Hero’s other lady-in-waiting, Margaret is lower class. Though she is honest, she does have some dealings with the villainous world of Don John: her lover is the mistrustful and easily bribed Borachio. Also unlike Ursula, Margaret loves to break decorum, especially with bawdy jokes and teases. Borachio - An associate of Don John. Borachio is the lover of Margaret, Hero’s serving woman. He conspires with Don John to trick Claudio and Don Pedro into thinking that Hero is unfaithful to Claudio. His name means “drunkard” in Italian, which might serve as a subtle direction to the actor playing him. Conrad - One of Don John’s more intimate associates, entirely devoted to Don John. Several recent productions have staged Conrad as Don John’s potential male lover, possibly to intensify Don John’s feelings of being a social outcast and therefore motivate his desire for revenge. Dogberry - The constable in charge of the Watch, or chief policeman, of Messina. Dogberry is very sincere and takes his job seriously, but he has a habit of using exactly the wrong word to convey his meaning. Dogberry is one of the few “middling sort,” or middle-class characters, in the play, though his desire to speak formally and elaborately like the noblemen becomes an occasion for parody. Verges - The deputy to Dogberry, chief policeman of Messina. Antonio - Leonato’s elderly brother and Hero's uncle. He is Beatrice’s father. Balthasar - A waiting man in Leonato’s household and a musician. Balthasar flirts with Margaret at the masked party and helps Leonato, Claudio, and Don Pedro trick Benedick into falling in love with Beatrice. Balthasar sings the song, “Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more” about accepting men’s infidelity as natural. Ursula - One of Hero’s waiting women. More Help	i don't know
How long is the term of office for a U.S. Senator?	Term of Office and Privileges - Senate of the Philippines Term of Office and Privileges Incompatible and Forbidden Offices Term of Office of Senators The term of the members of the Senate is expressly provided in Articles VI and XVIII respectively of the Constitution: Sec. 4. The term of office of the Senators shall be six years and shall commence, unless otherwise provided by law, at noon on the thirtieth day of June next following their election. Sec. 2. The Senators, members of the House of Representatives, and the local officials first elected under this Constitution shall serve until noon of June 30, 1992. Of the Senators elected in the election in 1992, the first twelve obtaining the highest number of votes shall serve for six years and the remaining twelve for three years. It must be remembered that the 24 Senators first elected under the 1987 Constitution on May 2, 1987 served only for five years ending on June 30, 1992. Of the senators elected in 1992, the first 12 obtaining the highest number of votes served for the full term of six years expiring in 1998, and the last 12 served only three years and ended in 1995. After which, the 12 Senators elected in 1995 shall serve the full term of six years or until year 2001. Those 12 to be elected in 1998 shall also serve the full term of six years. In fine, beginning 1992, 12 Senators shall be elected every three years, so that unlike in the House of Representatives, the Senate shall not at anytime be completely dissolved. One-half of the membership is retained as the other half is replaced or reelected every three years. The purpose of the continuity of the life of the Senate is intended to encourage the maintenance of Senate policies as well as guarantee that there will be experienced members who can help and train newcomers in the discharge of their duties. In addition, in case of resignation, death, permanent disability, removal from office, or resignation of the President and Vice-President, the Senate President shall act as President. Moreover, the Constitution, in Section 4, Article VI, provides limits to the extent a member of the Senate can run for reelection. It provides as follows: No Senator shall serve for more than two consecutive terms. Voluntary renunciation of the office for any length of time shall not be considered as an inter-ruption in the continuity of his service for the full term for which he was elected. Privileges of Senators Salaries The salaries of members of the Senate is governed by Article VI of the Constitution as follows: Sec. 10. The salaries of Senators and Members of the House of Representatives shall be determined by law. No increase in said compensation shall take effect until after the expiration of the full term of all the members of the Senate and the House of Representatives approving such increase. Sec. 20. The records and books of accounts of Congress shall be preserved and be open to the public in accordance with law, and such books shall be audited by the Commission on Audit which shall publish annually an itemized list of amounts paid to and expenses incurred for each Member. It must be noted that in accordance with the above provisions, there is no prohibition against the receipt of allowances by the members of Congress. The second section, on the other hand, seeks to avoid the recurrence of the abuses committed by the members of the Old Congress in allotting themselves fabulous allowances the amount of which they refused to divulge to the people. It is now provided under the Constitution that the books of accounts of Congress shall be open to public inspection and must be audited by the Commission on Audit. Moreover, every member of Congress’ itemized expenditures, including allowances, shall be published annually for the information of the people. It is interesting to note that the Constitution in Section 17, Article XVIII, provides the corresponding salaries of Senators, to wit: Until the Congress provides otherwise, the President shall receive an annual salary of three hundred thousand pesos; the Vice-President, the President of the Senate, the Speaker of the House of Representatives, and the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, two hundred forty thousand pesos each; the Senators, the members of the House of Representatives, the Associate Justices of the Supreme Court, and the Chairmen of the Constitutional Commissions, two hundred four thousand pesos each; and the Members of the Constitutional Commissions, one hundred eighty thousand pesos each. However, under Joint Resolution No. 1, the salaries of the members of the Senate is increased to salary grade 33 with monthly equivalent rate of P35,000.00. The Senate President, on the other hand, is raised to salary grade 34 with a monthly basic salary of P40,000.00. Parliamentary Immunities A. Privilege from Arrest One of the privileges that a member of Congress enjoys is the privilege from arrest. In this regard, Section 11, Article VI, of the Constitution provides as follows: A Senator or Member of the House of Representatives shall, in all offenses punishable by not more than six years imprisonment, be privileged from arrest while the Congress is in session. No member shall be questioned nor be held liable in any other place for any speech or debate in Congress or in any committee thereof. This privilege is intended to insure representation of the constituents by the members of Congress. In Vera vs. Avelino, the Supreme Court, quoting a decision of the United States Supreme Court, explained for whose benefit the right to parliamentary immunity is secured: These privileges are thus secured not with the intention of protecting the members against prosecutors for their own benefit, but to support the rights of the people, by enabling their representatives to execute the function of their office without fear of prosecution, civil or criminal. A member of Congress could only be suspended by the House of which he is a member and only for the purpose of self-preservation or self-protection. To protect a member of Congress from oppression, even this power has been circumscribed by the 1935 Constitution and further limited by the 1987 Constitution. The rationale for this was expressed by the Supreme Court as early as 11 September 1924 in Alejandrino vs. Quezon: It is noteworthy that the Congress of the United States shall not in all its long history suspend a member. And the reason is obvious. Punishment by way of reprimand or fine vindicates the outraged dignity of the House without depriving the constituency of representation; expulsion, when permissible, likewise vindicates the honor of the legislative body while giving to the constituency an opportunity to elect anew; but suspension deprives the electoral district of representation without that district being afforded any means by which to fill the vacancy. By suspension, the seat remains filled, but the occupant is silenced. back to top 2. Purpose of the Privilege Members of Congress cannot be prosecuted for any words spoken in debate or in connection with voting or used in written reports or with things generally done in a session of either House in relation to the business before it. This protection is extended to them during the session on the occasion of the exercise of their functions either in their respective chambers or in joint assembly, or in committees or commission. The purpose of this privilege of speech or debate is not to protect the members against prosecutions for their own benefit but to enable them as representatives of the people to execute the functions of their office without fear of prosecution, civil or criminal. As held in the case of Osmeña v. Pendatun, the Supreme Court took the occasion of defining the purpose of the privilege. It ruled: Our Constitution enshrines parliamentary immunity which is a fundamental privilege cherished in every legislative assembly of the democratic world. As old as the English Parliament, its purpose is to enable and encourage a representative of the public to discharge his public trust with firmness and success for it is indispensably necessary that he should enjoy the fullest liberty of speech, and that he should be protected from the resentment of every one, however, powerful, to whom the exercise of that liberty may occasion. Such immunity has come to this country from the practices of Parliament as construed and applied by the Congress of the United States. Its extent and application remain no longer in doubt insofar as related to the question before us. It guarantees the legislator complete freedom of expression without fear of being made responsible in criminal or civil actions before the courts or any other forum outside of the Congressional hall. But it does not protect him from responsibility before the legislative body itself whenever his words and conduct are considered by the latter disorderly or unbecoming to a member thereof. back to top 3. Precedents and Practices The following are some of the precedents and practices observed in the previous sessions of Congress concerning the privilege speech: 3.1. When It Can and When It Cannot It has been ruled that the privilege granted under this section cannot be availed of when the House has already proceeded to transact its business, such as the consideration of bills. But in a certain case, when the House was already considering unfinished business or business for the day, a member was permitted, through a motion unanimously approved, to deliver a short speech on an important case in his province. A member availing himself of such a privilege was entitled to one full hour. Having the floor on the privilege hour, he could not be forced to yield to interpellations. The one-hour privilege not having expired yet, a member, who requested only 10 minutes in order to deliver his speech, was allowed to use the rest of the hour. He could not be precluded from continuing with his speech until the one hour was consumed. 3.2. On Request for Reservation On point of order whether preference be given to a member who requests a previous reservation over any member who stands up on the floor ahead of the former, it has been held that an unwritten rule, sanctioned by immemorial practice, establishes such a preference. A request for reservation to use the privilege hour on a future date made on the floor by a member is recorded in the Journal. The time of a member automatically expires the moment he takes his seat and, consequently, he cannot answer questions unless an extension of his time is granted by unanimous consent. The one-hour privilege can be extended only by unanimous consent. 3.3. Decorum on Speech A member, availing himself of the privilege hour, may refuse interpellations, but he may be advised by the Chair not to use any improper language. He should use a language in conformity with the decorum and dignity of the House. The Chair entertained a motion to delete from the Record a portion of a member’s speech under the privilege hour as unparliamentary for being against the dignity and integrity of the members, and when submitted by the Chair to the House, the motion was approved. When a member attacks the leadership of the House, he may be declared out of order and deprived further use of the privilege hour. A member should, during the privilege hour, refrain from making personal allusions to any member. In availing himself of the privilege hour, a member may, under his own responsibility, speak against an absent fellow member. It is indecorous of the Senate during a privilege speech. In the exercise of his one- hour privilege, a member can speak on any subject of national interest, and he may even criticize the President on the appointment of certain persons to the government. But delivering speeches attacking the Chief Executive constitutes disorderly conduct for which a member may be suspended or expelled from the House as a disciplinary action. The Chair sustained a point of order which asked for deletion from the Record, as unparliamentary, parts of the privilege speech attacking the Catholic religion. 3.4. Interpellation A member having the floor to avail himself of the privilege hour may refuse to yield to interpellation or yield for information. He cannot be forced to yield to another so that, in turn, the latter can answer questions. It is in order for a member interpellating to lay the premises of his question. He may interpellate in the manner he so desires and use any of the official languages even if different from that used by the member who has the floor. A member on the floor using the remaining portion of the privilege hour may stop yielding to further interpellations. The time consumed by interpellation is counted against a member who has the floor; that is the reason why he has the option to yield or not to questions. 3.5. Precedence and Interruption The House sustained the Chair that after the reading of the order of business, the one-hour privilege has precedence over any other matters, such as question of privilege. A member availing himself of the one-hour privilege may yield to further interpellation, but he cannot be interrupted except by a point of order. He cannot be deprived of the floor except with his consent, and he may deliver his speech in such manner as he pleases as long as he speaks with due decorum. The Chair did not entertain a motion referring a one-hour privilege speech to a committee on the ground that while a member is enjoying the privilege, he cannot be deprived of the floor except by a point of order. 3.6. Extension of Time After a member has consumed the privilege hour, no extension of time for the privilege can be granted if there is an objection to the motion for such extension. An objection to a motion for extension of the one-hour privilege is not debatable. The one-hour privilege can no longer be extended when, after its delivery, the member using the privilege sits down, thereby forfeiting his right to continue. When a member sits down after the expiration of his one-hour privilege, his time can no longer be extended. A member who has the privilege hour may yield a portion of it to another member. When a member ceded a portion of his one-hour privilege, such a portion could not, without his consent, be extended to more than the number of minutes agreed upon. A member using the remaining portion of the privilege hour may refuse any interpellation in order to save the time left for him. 3.7. Reference Speech The Chair entertained a motion to refer a privilege speech to a committee after it had been delivered on the floor. 3.8. Stricken Off the Record On motion approved by the House, the whole speech including interpellations, was stricken off the record for being unparliamentary. During the privilege hour, the Chair motu proprio ordered stricken off the record the word "dishonorable" uttered with reference to the members of the House by the member interpellating. Suspension and Disqualification Manner of Imposing Discipline Section 16(3), Article VI of the Constitution provides the manner in which members of the Senate may be disciplined, suspended or expelled. It provides as follows: Each House may determine the rules of its proceedings, punish its Members for disorderly behavior, and with the concurrence of two-thirds of all its Members, suspend or expel a Member. A penalty of suspension, when imposed, shall not exceed sixty days. Rules of proceedings are needed for the orderly conduct of the sessions of Congress. Unless such rules violate fundamental or individual rights, they are within the exclusive discretion of each House to formulate and interpret and may not be judicially reversed. Without the above provision, the authority to discipline its members can still be exercised by each House as an inherent power, with the concurrence of a majority vote, conformably to the general rule on the will of the majority. With this provision, the disciplinary power is not so much expressly conferred as limited because of the specific conditions laid down for its proper exercise. Thus, the courts may annul any expulsion or suspension of a member that is not concurred in by at least two-thirds of the entire body or any suspension meted out by the legislature, even with the required two-thirds vote, as to any period in excess of the 60-day maximum duration. These are procedural matters and therefore justiciable. But the interpretation of the phrase "disorderly behavior" is the prerogative of Congress and cannot as a rule be judicially reviewed. The matter comes in the category of a political question. Accordingly, the Supreme Court did not interfere when the legislature declared that the physical assault by one member against another, or the delivery of a derogatory speech which the member was unable to substantiate, constituted "disorderly behavior" and justified the adoption of disciplinary measures. Other disciplinary measures besides expulsion and suspension are deletion of unparliamentary remarks from the record, fine, imprisonment and censure, sometimes called "soft impeachment." back to top Inhibitions and Disqualifications The Constitution provides in Section 14, Article VI the grounds of inhibitions and disqualifications for members of Congress. It provides as follows: No Senator or member of the House of Representatives may personally appear as counsel before any court of justice or before the Electoral Tribunals, or quasi-judicial and other administrative bodies. Neither shall he, directly or indirectly, be interested financially in any contract with, or in any franchise or special privilege granted by the Government, or any subdivision, agency, or instrumentality thereof, including any government-owned or controlled corporation, or its subsidiary, during his term of office. He shall not intervene in any matter before any office of the Government for his pecuniary benefit or where he may be called upon to act on account of his office. Appearance of the legislator is now barred before all courts of justice, regardless of rank, composition, or jurisdiction. The disqualification also applies to the revived Electoral Tribunal and to all administrative bodies, like the Securities and Exchange Commission and the National Labor Relations Commission. Courts martial and military tribunals, being administrative agencies, are included. The purpose of the disqualifications is to prevent the legislator from exerting undue influence, deliberately or not, upon the body where he is appearing. The pressure may not be intended; normally, the appearance is enough, considering the powers available to the legislator which he can exercise to reward or punish a judge deciding his case or, in the case of the Electoral Tribunal, his close association with its members. This is the reason the prohibited appearance must be personal. The lawyer-legislator may still engage in the practice of his profession except that when it comes to trials and hearings before the bodies above-mentioned, appearance may be made not by him but by other members of his law office. In Puyat v. De Guzman, a legislator entered his appearance as counsel for one of the parties to an intracorporate dispute before the Securities and Exchange Commission. He desisted when his representation was challenged under the above-mentioned section. Thereafter, he purchased P200 worth of stocks in the corporation from the faction he was representing and sought to intervene in the said dispute, this time as a stockholder. The Supreme Court did not allow him to do so as his evident purpose was to circumvent the constitutional prohibition. Justice Melencio Herrera declared: Under those facts and circumstances, we are constrained to hold that there has been an indirect appearance as counsel before xxx an administrative body’ and in our opinion, that is circumvention of the constitutional prohibition. The intervention was an afterthought to enable him to appear actively in the proceeding in some other capacity. To believe the avowed purpose, that is, to enable him eventually to vote and to be elected as Director in the event of an unfavorable outcome of the SEC case, would be pure naivete. He would still appear as counsel indirectly. Legislators are prohibited from being financially interested in any contract with the government or any subdivision, agency or instrumentality thereof, including government-owned or controlled corporations, or in any franchise or special privilege granted by any of these during their term of office, because of the influences they can easily exercise in obtaining these concessions. The idea is to prevent abuses from being committed by the members of Congress to the prejudice of the public welfare and particularly of legitimate contractors with the government who otherwise might be placed at a disadvantageous position vis-à-vis the legislator. It should be noted, though, that not every transaction with the government is barred by this provision. The contracts referred to here are those involving "financial interest," that is, contracts from which the legislator expects to derive some profit at the expense of the government. An illustration is a contract for public works or the sale of office equipment or supplies to the government. By contrast, it cannot be said that the legislator will profit financially from a contract of carriage with a government instrumentality like the PAL since it is the carrier that will benefit from the passenger’s fare. The last sentence restores an inhibition originally imposed by the 1935 Constitution. Although this provision has never been judicially interpreted, it may be surmised that the rule shall apply to the case, say, of the chairman of the committee on banks serving as legislative consultant for a private bank. back to top Conflict of Interests The provisions in Section 12, Article VI of the Constitution are intended to ensure the probity and objectivity of the members of Congress. There are some persons who may be tempted to run for Congress not because of a desire to serve the people but precisely for the protection or even enhancement of their own interests. By requiring them to make known at the outset their financial and business connections or investments, it is hoped that their potential for self-aggrandizement will be reduced and they will be prevented from using their official positions for ulterior purposes. In some countries, businessmen are required to unload their stockholdings as these might affect their official acts or at least lead to suspicion of chicanery or impropriety in the discharge of their duties in the government. back to top Incompatible and Forbidden Offices Under Section 13, Article VI of the Constitution, it states some other disqualifications by which a member of Congress may hold office, to wit: Sec. 13. No Senator or Member of the House of Representatives may hold any other office or employment in the Government, or any subdivision, agency, or instrumentality thereof, including government-owned or controlled corporations or their subsidiaries, during his term without forfeiting his seat. Neither shall he be appointed to any office which may have been created or the emoluments thereof increased during the term for which he was elected. The first part of this section refers to what are known as incompatible offices, which may not be held by the legislator during his tenure in Congress. The purpose is to prevent him from owing loyalty to another branch of the government, to the detriment of the independence of the legislature and the doctrine of separation of powers. The prohibition against the holding of an incompatible office is not absolute; what is not allowed is the simultaneous holding of that office and the seat in Congress. In the case of the rest of the legislators, any of them may hold another office or employment in the government provided he forfeits, as a result, his position in Congress. Forfeiture of the legislator’s seat, or cessation of his tenure, shall be automatic upon the holding of the incompatible office. Thus, a congress-man who was elected provincial governor was deemed to have automatically forfeited his seat in the House of Representatives when he took his oath for the provincial office. No resolution was necessary to declare his legislative post vacant. In Adaza v. Pacana, the petitioner and the respondent were elected governor and vice-governor, respectively, of Misamis Oriental. Both subsequently ran for the Batasang Pambansa, but only the petitioner won. Adaza then qualified as a member of the lawmaking body, whereupon Pacana assumed the governorship as statutory successor. Adaza challenged Pacana’s takeover, contending that under the parliamentary system a legislator could concurrently serve as governor; hence, there was no vacancy in the governorship that Pacana could fill. Through Justice Escolin, the Court unanimously rejected this argument and held that Adaza automatically forfeited the governorship the moment he took his oath as a member of the Batasang Pambansa. The constitutional prohibition against a member of the Batasang Pambansa from holding any other office or employment in the government during his tenure is clear. Section 10, Article VIII of the 1973 Constitution provides as follows: Sec. 10. A Member of the National Assembly shall not hold any other office or employment in the government or any subdivision, agency or instrumentality thereof, including government-owned or controlled corporations, during his tenure, except that of prime minister or member of the cabinet. xxx The language used in the above-cited section is plain. The only exceptions mentioned therein are the offices of prime minister and cabinet member. The wisdom or expediency of the said provision is a matter which is not within the province of the Court to determine. A public office is a public trust. It is created for the interest and the benefit of the people. As such, a holder thereof is subject to such regulations and conditions as the law may impose and he cannot complain of any restrictions which public policy may dictate on his holding of more than one office. It is therefore of no avail to petitioner that the system of government in other states allows a local elective official to act as an elected member of the parliament at the same time. The dictate of the people in whom legal sovereignty lies is explicit. It provides no exceptions save the two offices specifically cited in the above-quoted constitutional provision. Thus, while it may be said that within the purely parliamentary system of government no incompatibility exists in the nature of the two offices under consideration, as incompatibility herein present is one created by no less than the Constitution itself. In the case at bar, there is no question that petitioner has taken his oath of office as an elected Mambabatas Pambansa and has been discharging his duties as such. In the light of the oft-mentioned constitutional provision, this fact operated to vacate his former post and he cannot now continue to occupy the same, nor attempt to discharge its functions. But not every other office or employment is to be regarded as incompatible with the legislative position. For example, membership in the Electoral Tribunal is permitted by the Constitution itself. Moreover, if it can be shown that the second office is an extension of the legislative position or is in aid of legislative duties, the holding thereof will not result in the loss of the legislator’s seat in Congress. Accordingly, the chairmen of the Senate and House committees on education retain their seats in Congress while sitting concurrently as ex-officio members in the U.P. Board of Regents. Legislators who serve as treaty negotiators under the President of the Philippines continue to sit in Congress, where they can better work for the approval of the treaty and the passage of the needed implementing legislation. But even if a member of Congress is willing to forfeit his seat therein, he may not be appointed to any civil office in the government that has been created or the emoluments thereof have been increased while he was incumbent in the legislature. Such a position is a forbidden office. The purpose is to prevent trafficking in public office. Were the rule otherwise, certain legislators, especially those not sure of reelection, might be able to work for the creation or improvement of lucrative positions and, in combination with the President, arrange for their appointment thereto in order to provide for their future security at the expense of the public service. Notably, this provision does not apply to elective offices, which are filled by the voters themselves. The appointment of a member of Congress to the forbidden office is not allowed only during the term for which he was elected, when such office was created or its emoluments were increased. After such term, and even if the legislator is reelected, the disqualification no longer applies and he may therefore be appointed to the office.	six years
Which word is used in the NATO phonetic alphabet to denote the letter 'U'?	Term of Office and Privileges - Senate of the Philippines Term of Office and Privileges Incompatible and Forbidden Offices Term of Office of Senators The term of the members of the Senate is expressly provided in Articles VI and XVIII respectively of the Constitution: Sec. 4. The term of office of the Senators shall be six years and shall commence, unless otherwise provided by law, at noon on the thirtieth day of June next following their election. Sec. 2. The Senators, members of the House of Representatives, and the local officials first elected under this Constitution shall serve until noon of June 30, 1992. Of the Senators elected in the election in 1992, the first twelve obtaining the highest number of votes shall serve for six years and the remaining twelve for three years. It must be remembered that the 24 Senators first elected under the 1987 Constitution on May 2, 1987 served only for five years ending on June 30, 1992. Of the senators elected in 1992, the first 12 obtaining the highest number of votes served for the full term of six years expiring in 1998, and the last 12 served only three years and ended in 1995. After which, the 12 Senators elected in 1995 shall serve the full term of six years or until year 2001. Those 12 to be elected in 1998 shall also serve the full term of six years. In fine, beginning 1992, 12 Senators shall be elected every three years, so that unlike in the House of Representatives, the Senate shall not at anytime be completely dissolved. One-half of the membership is retained as the other half is replaced or reelected every three years. The purpose of the continuity of the life of the Senate is intended to encourage the maintenance of Senate policies as well as guarantee that there will be experienced members who can help and train newcomers in the discharge of their duties. In addition, in case of resignation, death, permanent disability, removal from office, or resignation of the President and Vice-President, the Senate President shall act as President. Moreover, the Constitution, in Section 4, Article VI, provides limits to the extent a member of the Senate can run for reelection. It provides as follows: No Senator shall serve for more than two consecutive terms. Voluntary renunciation of the office for any length of time shall not be considered as an inter-ruption in the continuity of his service for the full term for which he was elected. Privileges of Senators Salaries The salaries of members of the Senate is governed by Article VI of the Constitution as follows: Sec. 10. The salaries of Senators and Members of the House of Representatives shall be determined by law. No increase in said compensation shall take effect until after the expiration of the full term of all the members of the Senate and the House of Representatives approving such increase. Sec. 20. The records and books of accounts of Congress shall be preserved and be open to the public in accordance with law, and such books shall be audited by the Commission on Audit which shall publish annually an itemized list of amounts paid to and expenses incurred for each Member. It must be noted that in accordance with the above provisions, there is no prohibition against the receipt of allowances by the members of Congress. The second section, on the other hand, seeks to avoid the recurrence of the abuses committed by the members of the Old Congress in allotting themselves fabulous allowances the amount of which they refused to divulge to the people. It is now provided under the Constitution that the books of accounts of Congress shall be open to public inspection and must be audited by the Commission on Audit. Moreover, every member of Congress’ itemized expenditures, including allowances, shall be published annually for the information of the people. It is interesting to note that the Constitution in Section 17, Article XVIII, provides the corresponding salaries of Senators, to wit: Until the Congress provides otherwise, the President shall receive an annual salary of three hundred thousand pesos; the Vice-President, the President of the Senate, the Speaker of the House of Representatives, and the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, two hundred forty thousand pesos each; the Senators, the members of the House of Representatives, the Associate Justices of the Supreme Court, and the Chairmen of the Constitutional Commissions, two hundred four thousand pesos each; and the Members of the Constitutional Commissions, one hundred eighty thousand pesos each. However, under Joint Resolution No. 1, the salaries of the members of the Senate is increased to salary grade 33 with monthly equivalent rate of P35,000.00. The Senate President, on the other hand, is raised to salary grade 34 with a monthly basic salary of P40,000.00. Parliamentary Immunities A. Privilege from Arrest One of the privileges that a member of Congress enjoys is the privilege from arrest. In this regard, Section 11, Article VI, of the Constitution provides as follows: A Senator or Member of the House of Representatives shall, in all offenses punishable by not more than six years imprisonment, be privileged from arrest while the Congress is in session. No member shall be questioned nor be held liable in any other place for any speech or debate in Congress or in any committee thereof. This privilege is intended to insure representation of the constituents by the members of Congress. In Vera vs. Avelino, the Supreme Court, quoting a decision of the United States Supreme Court, explained for whose benefit the right to parliamentary immunity is secured: These privileges are thus secured not with the intention of protecting the members against prosecutors for their own benefit, but to support the rights of the people, by enabling their representatives to execute the function of their office without fear of prosecution, civil or criminal. A member of Congress could only be suspended by the House of which he is a member and only for the purpose of self-preservation or self-protection. To protect a member of Congress from oppression, even this power has been circumscribed by the 1935 Constitution and further limited by the 1987 Constitution. The rationale for this was expressed by the Supreme Court as early as 11 September 1924 in Alejandrino vs. Quezon: It is noteworthy that the Congress of the United States shall not in all its long history suspend a member. And the reason is obvious. Punishment by way of reprimand or fine vindicates the outraged dignity of the House without depriving the constituency of representation; expulsion, when permissible, likewise vindicates the honor of the legislative body while giving to the constituency an opportunity to elect anew; but suspension deprives the electoral district of representation without that district being afforded any means by which to fill the vacancy. By suspension, the seat remains filled, but the occupant is silenced. back to top 2. Purpose of the Privilege Members of Congress cannot be prosecuted for any words spoken in debate or in connection with voting or used in written reports or with things generally done in a session of either House in relation to the business before it. This protection is extended to them during the session on the occasion of the exercise of their functions either in their respective chambers or in joint assembly, or in committees or commission. The purpose of this privilege of speech or debate is not to protect the members against prosecutions for their own benefit but to enable them as representatives of the people to execute the functions of their office without fear of prosecution, civil or criminal. As held in the case of Osmeña v. Pendatun, the Supreme Court took the occasion of defining the purpose of the privilege. It ruled: Our Constitution enshrines parliamentary immunity which is a fundamental privilege cherished in every legislative assembly of the democratic world. As old as the English Parliament, its purpose is to enable and encourage a representative of the public to discharge his public trust with firmness and success for it is indispensably necessary that he should enjoy the fullest liberty of speech, and that he should be protected from the resentment of every one, however, powerful, to whom the exercise of that liberty may occasion. Such immunity has come to this country from the practices of Parliament as construed and applied by the Congress of the United States. Its extent and application remain no longer in doubt insofar as related to the question before us. It guarantees the legislator complete freedom of expression without fear of being made responsible in criminal or civil actions before the courts or any other forum outside of the Congressional hall. But it does not protect him from responsibility before the legislative body itself whenever his words and conduct are considered by the latter disorderly or unbecoming to a member thereof. back to top 3. Precedents and Practices The following are some of the precedents and practices observed in the previous sessions of Congress concerning the privilege speech: 3.1. When It Can and When It Cannot It has been ruled that the privilege granted under this section cannot be availed of when the House has already proceeded to transact its business, such as the consideration of bills. But in a certain case, when the House was already considering unfinished business or business for the day, a member was permitted, through a motion unanimously approved, to deliver a short speech on an important case in his province. A member availing himself of such a privilege was entitled to one full hour. Having the floor on the privilege hour, he could not be forced to yield to interpellations. The one-hour privilege not having expired yet, a member, who requested only 10 minutes in order to deliver his speech, was allowed to use the rest of the hour. He could not be precluded from continuing with his speech until the one hour was consumed. 3.2. On Request for Reservation On point of order whether preference be given to a member who requests a previous reservation over any member who stands up on the floor ahead of the former, it has been held that an unwritten rule, sanctioned by immemorial practice, establishes such a preference. A request for reservation to use the privilege hour on a future date made on the floor by a member is recorded in the Journal. The time of a member automatically expires the moment he takes his seat and, consequently, he cannot answer questions unless an extension of his time is granted by unanimous consent. The one-hour privilege can be extended only by unanimous consent. 3.3. Decorum on Speech A member, availing himself of the privilege hour, may refuse interpellations, but he may be advised by the Chair not to use any improper language. He should use a language in conformity with the decorum and dignity of the House. The Chair entertained a motion to delete from the Record a portion of a member’s speech under the privilege hour as unparliamentary for being against the dignity and integrity of the members, and when submitted by the Chair to the House, the motion was approved. When a member attacks the leadership of the House, he may be declared out of order and deprived further use of the privilege hour. A member should, during the privilege hour, refrain from making personal allusions to any member. In availing himself of the privilege hour, a member may, under his own responsibility, speak against an absent fellow member. It is indecorous of the Senate during a privilege speech. In the exercise of his one- hour privilege, a member can speak on any subject of national interest, and he may even criticize the President on the appointment of certain persons to the government. But delivering speeches attacking the Chief Executive constitutes disorderly conduct for which a member may be suspended or expelled from the House as a disciplinary action. The Chair sustained a point of order which asked for deletion from the Record, as unparliamentary, parts of the privilege speech attacking the Catholic religion. 3.4. Interpellation A member having the floor to avail himself of the privilege hour may refuse to yield to interpellation or yield for information. He cannot be forced to yield to another so that, in turn, the latter can answer questions. It is in order for a member interpellating to lay the premises of his question. He may interpellate in the manner he so desires and use any of the official languages even if different from that used by the member who has the floor. A member on the floor using the remaining portion of the privilege hour may stop yielding to further interpellations. The time consumed by interpellation is counted against a member who has the floor; that is the reason why he has the option to yield or not to questions. 3.5. Precedence and Interruption The House sustained the Chair that after the reading of the order of business, the one-hour privilege has precedence over any other matters, such as question of privilege. A member availing himself of the one-hour privilege may yield to further interpellation, but he cannot be interrupted except by a point of order. He cannot be deprived of the floor except with his consent, and he may deliver his speech in such manner as he pleases as long as he speaks with due decorum. The Chair did not entertain a motion referring a one-hour privilege speech to a committee on the ground that while a member is enjoying the privilege, he cannot be deprived of the floor except by a point of order. 3.6. Extension of Time After a member has consumed the privilege hour, no extension of time for the privilege can be granted if there is an objection to the motion for such extension. An objection to a motion for extension of the one-hour privilege is not debatable. The one-hour privilege can no longer be extended when, after its delivery, the member using the privilege sits down, thereby forfeiting his right to continue. When a member sits down after the expiration of his one-hour privilege, his time can no longer be extended. A member who has the privilege hour may yield a portion of it to another member. When a member ceded a portion of his one-hour privilege, such a portion could not, without his consent, be extended to more than the number of minutes agreed upon. A member using the remaining portion of the privilege hour may refuse any interpellation in order to save the time left for him. 3.7. Reference Speech The Chair entertained a motion to refer a privilege speech to a committee after it had been delivered on the floor. 3.8. Stricken Off the Record On motion approved by the House, the whole speech including interpellations, was stricken off the record for being unparliamentary. During the privilege hour, the Chair motu proprio ordered stricken off the record the word "dishonorable" uttered with reference to the members of the House by the member interpellating. Suspension and Disqualification Manner of Imposing Discipline Section 16(3), Article VI of the Constitution provides the manner in which members of the Senate may be disciplined, suspended or expelled. It provides as follows: Each House may determine the rules of its proceedings, punish its Members for disorderly behavior, and with the concurrence of two-thirds of all its Members, suspend or expel a Member. A penalty of suspension, when imposed, shall not exceed sixty days. Rules of proceedings are needed for the orderly conduct of the sessions of Congress. Unless such rules violate fundamental or individual rights, they are within the exclusive discretion of each House to formulate and interpret and may not be judicially reversed. Without the above provision, the authority to discipline its members can still be exercised by each House as an inherent power, with the concurrence of a majority vote, conformably to the general rule on the will of the majority. With this provision, the disciplinary power is not so much expressly conferred as limited because of the specific conditions laid down for its proper exercise. Thus, the courts may annul any expulsion or suspension of a member that is not concurred in by at least two-thirds of the entire body or any suspension meted out by the legislature, even with the required two-thirds vote, as to any period in excess of the 60-day maximum duration. These are procedural matters and therefore justiciable. But the interpretation of the phrase "disorderly behavior" is the prerogative of Congress and cannot as a rule be judicially reviewed. The matter comes in the category of a political question. Accordingly, the Supreme Court did not interfere when the legislature declared that the physical assault by one member against another, or the delivery of a derogatory speech which the member was unable to substantiate, constituted "disorderly behavior" and justified the adoption of disciplinary measures. Other disciplinary measures besides expulsion and suspension are deletion of unparliamentary remarks from the record, fine, imprisonment and censure, sometimes called "soft impeachment." back to top Inhibitions and Disqualifications The Constitution provides in Section 14, Article VI the grounds of inhibitions and disqualifications for members of Congress. It provides as follows: No Senator or member of the House of Representatives may personally appear as counsel before any court of justice or before the Electoral Tribunals, or quasi-judicial and other administrative bodies. Neither shall he, directly or indirectly, be interested financially in any contract with, or in any franchise or special privilege granted by the Government, or any subdivision, agency, or instrumentality thereof, including any government-owned or controlled corporation, or its subsidiary, during his term of office. He shall not intervene in any matter before any office of the Government for his pecuniary benefit or where he may be called upon to act on account of his office. Appearance of the legislator is now barred before all courts of justice, regardless of rank, composition, or jurisdiction. The disqualification also applies to the revived Electoral Tribunal and to all administrative bodies, like the Securities and Exchange Commission and the National Labor Relations Commission. Courts martial and military tribunals, being administrative agencies, are included. The purpose of the disqualifications is to prevent the legislator from exerting undue influence, deliberately or not, upon the body where he is appearing. The pressure may not be intended; normally, the appearance is enough, considering the powers available to the legislator which he can exercise to reward or punish a judge deciding his case or, in the case of the Electoral Tribunal, his close association with its members. This is the reason the prohibited appearance must be personal. The lawyer-legislator may still engage in the practice of his profession except that when it comes to trials and hearings before the bodies above-mentioned, appearance may be made not by him but by other members of his law office. In Puyat v. De Guzman, a legislator entered his appearance as counsel for one of the parties to an intracorporate dispute before the Securities and Exchange Commission. He desisted when his representation was challenged under the above-mentioned section. Thereafter, he purchased P200 worth of stocks in the corporation from the faction he was representing and sought to intervene in the said dispute, this time as a stockholder. The Supreme Court did not allow him to do so as his evident purpose was to circumvent the constitutional prohibition. Justice Melencio Herrera declared: Under those facts and circumstances, we are constrained to hold that there has been an indirect appearance as counsel before xxx an administrative body’ and in our opinion, that is circumvention of the constitutional prohibition. The intervention was an afterthought to enable him to appear actively in the proceeding in some other capacity. To believe the avowed purpose, that is, to enable him eventually to vote and to be elected as Director in the event of an unfavorable outcome of the SEC case, would be pure naivete. He would still appear as counsel indirectly. Legislators are prohibited from being financially interested in any contract with the government or any subdivision, agency or instrumentality thereof, including government-owned or controlled corporations, or in any franchise or special privilege granted by any of these during their term of office, because of the influences they can easily exercise in obtaining these concessions. The idea is to prevent abuses from being committed by the members of Congress to the prejudice of the public welfare and particularly of legitimate contractors with the government who otherwise might be placed at a disadvantageous position vis-à-vis the legislator. It should be noted, though, that not every transaction with the government is barred by this provision. The contracts referred to here are those involving "financial interest," that is, contracts from which the legislator expects to derive some profit at the expense of the government. An illustration is a contract for public works or the sale of office equipment or supplies to the government. By contrast, it cannot be said that the legislator will profit financially from a contract of carriage with a government instrumentality like the PAL since it is the carrier that will benefit from the passenger’s fare. The last sentence restores an inhibition originally imposed by the 1935 Constitution. Although this provision has never been judicially interpreted, it may be surmised that the rule shall apply to the case, say, of the chairman of the committee on banks serving as legislative consultant for a private bank. back to top Conflict of Interests The provisions in Section 12, Article VI of the Constitution are intended to ensure the probity and objectivity of the members of Congress. There are some persons who may be tempted to run for Congress not because of a desire to serve the people but precisely for the protection or even enhancement of their own interests. By requiring them to make known at the outset their financial and business connections or investments, it is hoped that their potential for self-aggrandizement will be reduced and they will be prevented from using their official positions for ulterior purposes. In some countries, businessmen are required to unload their stockholdings as these might affect their official acts or at least lead to suspicion of chicanery or impropriety in the discharge of their duties in the government. back to top Incompatible and Forbidden Offices Under Section 13, Article VI of the Constitution, it states some other disqualifications by which a member of Congress may hold office, to wit: Sec. 13. No Senator or Member of the House of Representatives may hold any other office or employment in the Government, or any subdivision, agency, or instrumentality thereof, including government-owned or controlled corporations or their subsidiaries, during his term without forfeiting his seat. Neither shall he be appointed to any office which may have been created or the emoluments thereof increased during the term for which he was elected. The first part of this section refers to what are known as incompatible offices, which may not be held by the legislator during his tenure in Congress. The purpose is to prevent him from owing loyalty to another branch of the government, to the detriment of the independence of the legislature and the doctrine of separation of powers. The prohibition against the holding of an incompatible office is not absolute; what is not allowed is the simultaneous holding of that office and the seat in Congress. In the case of the rest of the legislators, any of them may hold another office or employment in the government provided he forfeits, as a result, his position in Congress. Forfeiture of the legislator’s seat, or cessation of his tenure, shall be automatic upon the holding of the incompatible office. Thus, a congress-man who was elected provincial governor was deemed to have automatically forfeited his seat in the House of Representatives when he took his oath for the provincial office. No resolution was necessary to declare his legislative post vacant. In Adaza v. Pacana, the petitioner and the respondent were elected governor and vice-governor, respectively, of Misamis Oriental. Both subsequently ran for the Batasang Pambansa, but only the petitioner won. Adaza then qualified as a member of the lawmaking body, whereupon Pacana assumed the governorship as statutory successor. Adaza challenged Pacana’s takeover, contending that under the parliamentary system a legislator could concurrently serve as governor; hence, there was no vacancy in the governorship that Pacana could fill. Through Justice Escolin, the Court unanimously rejected this argument and held that Adaza automatically forfeited the governorship the moment he took his oath as a member of the Batasang Pambansa. The constitutional prohibition against a member of the Batasang Pambansa from holding any other office or employment in the government during his tenure is clear. Section 10, Article VIII of the 1973 Constitution provides as follows: Sec. 10. A Member of the National Assembly shall not hold any other office or employment in the government or any subdivision, agency or instrumentality thereof, including government-owned or controlled corporations, during his tenure, except that of prime minister or member of the cabinet. xxx The language used in the above-cited section is plain. The only exceptions mentioned therein are the offices of prime minister and cabinet member. The wisdom or expediency of the said provision is a matter which is not within the province of the Court to determine. A public office is a public trust. It is created for the interest and the benefit of the people. As such, a holder thereof is subject to such regulations and conditions as the law may impose and he cannot complain of any restrictions which public policy may dictate on his holding of more than one office. It is therefore of no avail to petitioner that the system of government in other states allows a local elective official to act as an elected member of the parliament at the same time. The dictate of the people in whom legal sovereignty lies is explicit. It provides no exceptions save the two offices specifically cited in the above-quoted constitutional provision. Thus, while it may be said that within the purely parliamentary system of government no incompatibility exists in the nature of the two offices under consideration, as incompatibility herein present is one created by no less than the Constitution itself. In the case at bar, there is no question that petitioner has taken his oath of office as an elected Mambabatas Pambansa and has been discharging his duties as such. In the light of the oft-mentioned constitutional provision, this fact operated to vacate his former post and he cannot now continue to occupy the same, nor attempt to discharge its functions. But not every other office or employment is to be regarded as incompatible with the legislative position. For example, membership in the Electoral Tribunal is permitted by the Constitution itself. Moreover, if it can be shown that the second office is an extension of the legislative position or is in aid of legislative duties, the holding thereof will not result in the loss of the legislator’s seat in Congress. Accordingly, the chairmen of the Senate and House committees on education retain their seats in Congress while sitting concurrently as ex-officio members in the U.P. Board of Regents. Legislators who serve as treaty negotiators under the President of the Philippines continue to sit in Congress, where they can better work for the approval of the treaty and the passage of the needed implementing legislation. But even if a member of Congress is willing to forfeit his seat therein, he may not be appointed to any civil office in the government that has been created or the emoluments thereof have been increased while he was incumbent in the legislature. Such a position is a forbidden office. The purpose is to prevent trafficking in public office. Were the rule otherwise, certain legislators, especially those not sure of reelection, might be able to work for the creation or improvement of lucrative positions and, in combination with the President, arrange for their appointment thereto in order to provide for their future security at the expense of the public service. Notably, this provision does not apply to elective offices, which are filled by the voters themselves. The appointment of a member of Congress to the forbidden office is not allowed only during the term for which he was elected, when such office was created or its emoluments were increased. After such term, and even if the legislator is reelected, the disqualification no longer applies and he may therefore be appointed to the office.	i don't know
Which Hull group had a Top Five single in 1986 with 'Happy Hour’?	Top 100 Songs of 1986 Top 100 Songs of 1986 Derived from Billboard's Hottest Hot 100 Hits The Bangles; "Greatest Love Of All," Whitney Houston; "The Next Time I Fall," Peter Cetera 1. "That's What Friends Are For".....Dionne & Friends 2. "Walk Like An Egyptian".....Bangles 3. "On My Own".....Patti Labelle & Michael McDonald 4. "The Way It Is".....Bruce Hornsby & The Range 5. "You Give Love A Bad Name".....Bon Jovi 6. "Greatest Love Of All".....Whitney Houston 7. "There'll Be Sad Songs".....Billy Ocean 8. "How Will I Know".....Whitney Houston 9. "Kyrie".....Mr. Mister 11. "The Next Time I Fall".....Peter Cetera & Amy Grant 12. "Burning Heart".....Survivor 13. "Stuck With You".....Huey Lewis & The News 14. "When I Think Of You".....Janet Jackson 15. "Rock Me Amadeus".....Falco 16. "West End Girls".....Pet Shop Boys 17. "Sledgehammer".....Peter Gabriel 21. "Glory Of Love".....Peter Cetera 22. "Everybody Have Fun Tonight".....Wang Chung 23. "Friends And Lovers".....Gloria Loring & Carl Anderson 24. "Conga".....Miami Sound Machine 27. "Addicted To Love".....Robert Palmer 28. "I Can't Wait".....Nu Shooz 29. "What Have You Done For Me Lately".....Janet Jackson 30. "Venus".....Bananarama 32. "Take My Breath Away".....Berlin 33. "These Dreams".....Heart 34. "Holding Back The Years".....Simply Red 35. "Walk Of Life".....Dire Straits 36. "Dancing On The Ceiling".....Lionel Richie 37. "Amanda".....Boston 40. "Talk To Me".....Stevie Nicks 41. "Mad About You".....Belinda Carlisle 42. "Don't Forget Me (When I'm Gone)".....Glass Tiger 43. "When The Going Gets Tough".....Billy Ocean 44. "Why Can't This Be Love".....Van Halen 45. "Danger Zone".....Kenny Loggins 46. "Crush On You".....The Jets 47. "Hip To Be Square".....Huey Lewis & The News 48. "Manic Monday".....Bangles 50. "If You Leave".....Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark "Everybody Have Fun Tonight," Wang Chung; "Danger Zone,"Kenny Loggins; "No One To Blame," Howard Jones 51. "Word Up".....Cameo 53. "No One Is To Blame".....Howard Jones 54. "To Be A Lover".....Billy Idol 55. "Throwing It All Away".....Genesis 56. "Your Love".....The Outfield 57. "Something About You".....Level 42 58. "Let's Go All The Way".....Sly Fox 59. "Tonight She Comes".....The Cars 60. "Typical Male".....Tina Turner 62. "R.O.C.K. In The USA".....John Cougar Mellencamp 63. "I Didn't Mean To Turn You On".....Robert Palmer 64. "Who's Johnny".....El DeBarge 65. "Two Of Hearts".....Stacey Q 67. "Stand By Me".....Ben E. King 68. "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off".....Jermaine Stewart 69. "Take Me Home Tonight".....Eddie Money 70. "Sweet Freedom".....Michael McDonald 72. "Words Get In The Way".....Miami Sound Machine 73. "Love Touch".....Rod Stewart 74. "All I Need Is A Miracle".....Mike + The Mechanics 75. "Rumors".....Times Social Club 76. "Silent Running".....Mike + The Mechanics 77. "All Cried Out".....Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam w/ Full Force 78. "Don't Get Me Wrong".....Pretenders 79. "Baby Love".....Regina 80. "Spies Like Us".....Paul McCartney 81. "True Blue".....Madonna 82. "Living In America".....James Brown 83. "Take Me Home".....Phil Collins 84. "Dreamtime".....Daryl Hall 85. "Bad Boy".....Miami Sound Machine 86. "Heartbeat".....Don Johnson 88. "King For A Day".....Thompson Twins 89. "A Different Corner".....George Michael 90. "Love Will Conquer All".....Lionel Richie 91. "Life In A Northern Town".....The Dream Academy 92. "Go Home".....Stevie Wonder 94. "Your Wildest Dreams".....The Moody Blues 95. "Is It Love".....Mr. Mister 96. "You Should Be Mine".....Jeffrey Osborne 97. "Harlem Shuffle".....Rolling Stones 100. "The Rain".....Oran "Juice" Jones "Word Up," Cameo; "Let's Go All The Way," Sly Fox 1986's Number Ones (Includes the date the song reached the top of Billboard's Hot 100, and the duration of its stay there.) "That's What Friends Are For," Dionne and Friends 18 January 1986/4 weeks Originally penned by Burt Bacharach and Carole Bayer Sager and recorded by Rod Stewart for the 1982 film Night Shift, this song was presented to Warwick three years later. Warwick and Stevie Wonder were in the studio recording the song as a duet when Sager got the idea to donate the proceeds to AmFar (American Foundation for AIDS Research); Gladys Knight and Elton John were brought on board virtually at the last minute. "How Will I Know," Whitney Houston 15 February 1986/2 weeks Songwriters George Merrill and Shannon Rubicam were signed to A&M Records as Boy Meets Girl when they were asked to submit songs for Janet Jackson. Jackson passed on "How Will I Know," but execs at Arista snapped it up for Whitney Houston's debut album as a likely pop crossover hit. Whitney's mother Cissy sang backing vocals, and the song knocked Houston's first cousin Dionne Warwick out of the # 1 spot -- only the third time in the rock era that an artist succeeded a blood relative at the top of the Hot 100. "Kyrie," Mr. Mister 1 March 1986/2 weeks Mr. Mister's second # 1 single (the first being "Broken Wings"), "Kyrie" was written a year before it was recorded, while the band was on tour with Adam Ant. Kyrie eleison is Greek for "Lord have mercy." "Sara," Starship 15 March 1986/1 week Originally named Jefferson Airplane, this band was formed in 1965 and, in the mid-Seventies was reincarnated as Jefferson Starship. The departure of Paul Kantner in 1984 led to a third name change. In all that time, the band never had a # 1 hit, until Knee Deep in the Hoopla produced two -- this one and "We Built This City." "These Dreams," Heart 22 March 1986/1 week After eight albums without a Top 10 hit, Heart was willing to listen to producer Ron Nevison's ideas for crafting a commercial record. For the first time, most of the songs on a Heart album were written by outsiders, in this case Martin Page and Bernie Taupin (who also wrote "We Built This City"). Heart had three consecutive Top 10 hits off the album (Heart), and "These Dreams" was the group's first # 1. It was dedicated to a fan who died of cancer at the age of 21. "Rock Me Amadeus," Falco 29 March 1986/3 weeks The Austrian musical prodigy was inspired to write a song about Wolfgang Mozart after watching Milo Forman's film Amadeus. Falco wrote "Der Kommissar" in 1981, which became an American chart hit for the British band After the Fire. "Rock Me Amadeus" was followed by another Top 20 song for Falco, "Vienna Calling." "Kiss," Prince 19 April 1986/2 week When "Kiss" hit the top of the Hot 100, Prince became the fifth songwriter to hold that chart's top two positions simultaneously; # 2 that week was "Manic Monday," performed by The Bangles but written by "Christopher" -- one of several Prince pseudonyms. "Addicted To Love," Robert Palmer 3 May 1986/1 week This was Palmer's first # 1 hit -- and it was almost a duet with Chaka Khan. They recorded the song together, but later her management decided against the project and her vocals were erased. The lyrics, according to Palmer (who wrote the tune), address the problems of an addictive personality. "West End Girls," Pet Shop Boys 10 May 1986/1 week This song became a hit in 1984 in Belgium and France, but failed to chart in Britain. The following year, the Pet Shop Boys (Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe), went back to the studio and recorded a new version, which soared to the top of the charts in both the UK and the U.S. "Greatest Love Of All," Whitney Houston 17 May 1986/3 weeks Originally written for a film about Muhammad Ali entitled The Greatest, this song was one of those performed by Houston during her audition for Clive Davis, president of Arista Records. It was done by George Benson on the soundtrack and issued as a single, but did not chart. On the B side of Houston's "You Give Good Love," the tune was never pegged as a single, but extensive radio airplay changed all that -- and Houston had three # 1 songs from her debut album, a first for a female solo artist. "Live To Tell," Madonna 7 June 1986/1 week Written by Patrick Leonard -- musical director for the Virgin tour -- and Madonna, this song was intended initially for the soundtrack of a movie called Fire With Fire. But Paramount Pictures passed on the tune, and Madonna arranged for it to be included in the score of boyfriend Sean Penn's film, At Close Range. "Live To Tell" was the fifth single to hit # 1 without being available on an album, and was Madonna's second chart-topper from a movie (the first being "Crazy For You" from Vision Quest.) "On My Own," Patti LaBelle & Michael McDonald 14 June 1986/2 weeks Another # 1 hit from the songwriting team of Burt Bacharach and wife Carole Bayer Sager. After Patti LaBelle's producer Richard Perry failed to cut a track he liked, Bacharach and Sager produced it themselves. After LaBelle put her vocals on, Sager thought it would be a perfect song for a duet. Warner Brothers allowed Michael McDonald to add his vocals since "On My Own" wasn't intended as a single. Both the vocals and the subsequent video were done without LaBelle and McDonald ever actually working together. "There'll Be Sad Songs (To Make You Cry)," Billy Ocean 5 July 1986/1 week Released before Ocean's second Jive Records album, Love Zone, reached the record stores, this tune became the artist's fifth Top 5 single in 20 months, and his second chart-topper -- the first being "Caribbean Queen" in 1984. With his collaborators Barry Eastmond and Wayne Brathwaite, Ocean wrote eight of the nine tracks on the album; four of them became Top 20 songs. "Holding Back The Years," Simply Red 12 July 1986/1 week Mick Hucknall wrote this song when he was 19 -- seven years before it became a chart-topper. Though the band's soulful sound did not endear it to the British press, Simply Red impressed people in the American soul music scene; the band was asked to open for James Brown, and Diana Ross requested that Hucknall write a song for her next album. "Invisible Touch," Genesis 19 July 1986/1 week Incredibly, past and present members of Genesis accounted for seven of the Hot 100 songs in the last week of July, 1986, as either artists or producers. Aside from "Invisible Touch" there was Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer" and the Phil Collins-produced hit "No One Is To Blame" by Howard Jones, there was Collins' "Take Me Home" and Mike Rutherford's two singles, "All I Need Is A Miracle" and "Taken In." The seventh was Steve Hackett and GTR's "When The Heart Rules The Mind." The Invisible Touch album produced five Top 10 songs, including two # 3's ("Tonight, Tonight, Tonight" and "In Too Deep") and two # 4's ("Throwing It All Away" and "Land Of Confusion"). "Sledgehammer," Peter Gabriel 26 July 1986/1 week Written, according to Gabriel, as a salute to the '60s soul that had so inspired him as a teenager, "Sledgehammer" featured a brass section led by Wayne Jackson, whom Gabriel had seen perform, twenty years earlier, in South London's Ram Jam Club. Gabriel decided that very night that he "wanted to be a musician for life." "Glory Of Love," Peter Cetera 2 August 1986/2 weeks Peter Cetera had been with Chicago for 18 years, and penned both the band's chart-toppers ("If You Leave Me Now" and "Hard To Say I'm Sorry"), when he set out on a solo career. His wife Diane Nini helped him finish "Glory Of Love," which was chosen for The Karate Kid II soundtrack. "Papa Don't Preach," Madonna 16 August 1986/2 weeks Madonna knew she had a controversial song on her hands with "Papa Don't Preach," the story of an unwed and pregnant teenager, and she was right. The Pro-Life League adopted the song as its anthem, while pro-choice advocates criticized the artist for its message. Co-writer Brian Elliot commented that if Madonna influenced young girls to keep their babies, what was so bad about that? "Higher Love," Steve Winwood 30 August 1986/1 week Winwood and songwriter Will Jennings had collaborated on four songs for the former's second solo album, Arc of a Diver (1980), including the # 7 hit "While You See A Chance." On Back in the High Life, the two men wrote five of the eight tracks, including this, the first single. Chaka Khan provided backing vocals, while her drummer, John Robinson, provided the distinctive acoustic drums. "Venus," Bananarama 6 September 1986/1 week The original version, by the Dutch group Shocking Blue, was a # 1 hit in 1970, and it was one of the songs Siobahn Fahey, Keren Wood and Sarah Dallin would perform when they first started rehearsing together. The song was produced by the hitmakers Matt Aitkin, Mike Stock and Pete Waterman, who had produced hits by Dead or Alive and Rick Astley. "Venus" was only the fourth song of the rock era to be # 1 twice by two different artists. "Take My Breath Away," Berlin 13 September 1986/1 week This song won an Oscar for Best Original Song, and was the second tune written by Giorgio Morodor and Tom Whitlock for the film Top Gun. (The other was "Danger Zone," performed by Kenny Loggins; it peaked at # 2 on the Hot 100.) "Take My Breath Away" was Berlin's only hit song -- the group was always more interested in doing more album-oriented rock. "Stuck With You," Huey Lewis and the News 20 September 1986/3 weeks After the huge success of their Sports album, Huey Lewis and the News felt intense pressure to come up with another hit or two. After listening to six months worth of work on new material, manager Bob Brown told the group that they still didn't have that hit song. Lead guitarist Chris Hayes went home and wrote the music for "Stuck With You" in just a few hours, and the News had another chart-topper on their hands. "When I Think Of You," Janet Jackson 11 October 1986/2 weeks Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, formerly of the Time (until Prince fired them), had written the tunes used on Janet Jackson's Control album even before they were signed on to produce it. The songs had originally been intended for the debut solo effort of Atlantic Starr vocalist Sharon Bryant. But Bryant thought the tracks weren't right for her. The first five singles from Control made it into the Top Five. Janet and Michael Jackson became the first siblings to both have solo # 1 singles. "True Colors," Cyndi Lauper 25 October 1986/2 weeks Lauper's first album had produced four consecutive Top Five songs in 1984, so the pressure was on when she went into the studio to create her sophomore album, True Colors. Written by the team of Tom Kelly and Billy Steinberg, who had penned Madonna's # 1, "Like A Virgin," "True Colors" was the only song on the album that Lauper didn't have a hand in writing. Kelly and Steinberg had previously pitched the tune to Kenny Rogers and Anne Murray. "Amanda," Boston 8 November 1986/2 weeks It took Boston six years to complete their third album, Third Stage -- so long, in fact, that CBS (which owned Epic Records) sued the band for breach of contract. A bootleg version of "Amanda" -- which was actually written by the band's founder, Tom Scholz, in 1980 -- circulated two or three years before the album was released. "Human," Human League 22 November 1986/1 week Dissatisfied after working for nine months with British producer Colin Thurston, Human League switched to Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis (see "When I Think Of You," above). Band member Phil Oakey wrote six of the ten songs on the Crash album, but it was Jimmy and Terry who penned "Human" -- a song that gave Human League their second chart-topper, four years after the first #1, "Don't You Want Me." "You Give Love A Bad Name," Bon Jovi 29 November 1986/1 week For their third album, Slippery When Wet, the New Jersey-based band turned to Loverboy producer Bruce Fairbairn and songwriter Desmond Child, who collaborated with band members Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora to pen this, the first release from the album, and the group's first chart-topper. "The Next Time I Fall," Peter Cetera & Amy Grant 6 December 1986/1 week Peter Cetera had two # 1 hits with his first two singles as a post-Chicago solo artist, the second this ballad written by Bobby Caldwell and Paul Gordon. The decision to make it a duet with Christian singer Amy Grant was a calculated career move that paid off, big time -- and launched Grant as a viable pop artist. "The Way It Is," Bruce Hornsby and the Range 13 December 1986/1 week Bruce Hornsby never thought his music would interest the major record labels. And he didn't thnk "The Way It Is," one of the four songs on the demo tape that sold RCA on the band, was hit single material. He was wrong on both counts. In fact, though the band would have great success throughout the late Eighties, this would be their only chart-topper. "Walk Like An Egyptian," Bangles 20 December 1986/4 weeks The third release from the Different Light album became, according to Billboard, the # 1 single for the year 1987. It was also the girl band's first of two chart-toppers. (The other was "Eternal Flame.") 1986's Top 50 in the UK * Number One songs The Communards, Mel & Kim, Berlin 1. "Don't Leave Me This Way," The Communards* 2. "Every Loser Wins," Nick Berry* 3. "I Want To Wake Up With You," Boris Gardiner* 4. "Living Doll," Cliff Richard & The Young Ones* 5. "Chain Reaction," Diana Ross* 6. "The Lady In Red," Chris De Burgh* 7. "When The Going Gets Tough (The Tough Get Going)," Billy Ocean* 8. "Papa Don't Preach," Madonna* 9. "Take My Breath Away," Berlin* 10. ""So Macho"/"Cruising," Sinitta 12. "A Different Corner," George Michael* 13. "Rock Me Amadeus," Falco* 14. "We Don't Have To," Jermaine Stewart 15. "Spirit In The Sky," Dr & The Medics* 16. "The Final Countdown," Europe* 17. ""Real Petite (The Sweetest Girl In Town)," Jackie Wilson* 18. "Rain Or Shine," Five Star 19. "Caravan Of Love," The Housemartins* 20. "The Chicken Song," Spitting Image* 21. "The Sun Always Shines on T.V.," a-ha* 22. "On My Own," Patti LaBelle * Michael McDonald 23. "Walk Like An Egyptian," The Bangles 24. "In The Army Now," Status Quo 25. "Lesson In Love," Level 42 26. "Glory Of Love," Peter Cetera 27. "The Edge Of Heaven," Wham!* 28. "Sledgehammer," Peter Gabriel 29. "All I Ask Of You," Cliff Richard & Sarah Brightman 30. "Touch Me (I Want Your Body)," Samantha Fox 31. "Wonderful World," Sam Cooke 32. "A Kind Of Magic," Queen 33. "Holding Back The Years," Simply Red 34. "You Keep Me Hangin' On," Kim Wilde 35. "Let's Go All The Way," Sly Fox 36. "Word Up," Cameo 37. "Manic Monday," The Bangles 38. "I Can't Wait," Nu Shooz 39. "My Favourite Waste Of Time," Owen Paul 40. "You Can Call Me Al," Paul Simon 41. "Livin' On A Prayer," Bon Jovi 42. "Sometimes," Erasure 43. "Showing Out," Mel & Kim 44. "I Just Died In Your Arms," Cutting Crew 45. "You To Me Are Everything," The Real Thing 46. "Happy Hour," The Housemartins 47. "Starting Together," Su Pollard 48. "Thorn In My Side," The Eurythmics 49. "The Walk Of Life," Dire Straits 50. "Borderline," Madonna	The Housemartins
A Killick is a small what?	UK Top 100 Hits of 1986 UK Top 100 Hits of 1986 UK Top 100 Hits of 1986 1986-001 The Communards - Don't Leave Me This Way.mp3 4.2MB [4:32] 1986-002 Diana Ross - Chain Reaction.mp3 3.5MB [3:48] 1986-003 Berlin - Take My Breath Away (Love Theme From 'Top Gun').mp3 4.8MB [4:12] 1986-004 Boris Gardiner - I Want To Wake Up With You.mp3 3.7MB [4:03] 1986-005 Billy Ocean - When The Going Gets Tough (The Tough Get Going).mp3 4.8MB [4:11] 1986-006 Madonna - Papa Don't Preach.mp3 5.1MB [4:28] 1986-007 Chris De Burgh - The Lady In Red.mp3 3.8MB [4:10] 1986-008 Europe - The Final Countdown.mp3 3.7MB [3:59] 1986-009 Doctor & The Medics - Spirit In The Sky.mp3 3.1MB [3:25] 1986-010 Sinitta - Cruising.mp3 5.8MB [6:17] 1986-010 Sinitta - So Macho.mp3 7.9MB [3:28] 1986-011 Falco - Rock Me Amadeus.mp3 3.7MB [3:12] 1986-012 Cliff Richard & The Young Ones - Living Doll.mp3 4.0MB [4:19] 1986-013 George Michael - A Different Corner.mp3 4.6MB [4:02] 1986-014 Nick Berry - Every Loser Wins.mp3 2.9MB [3:13] 1986-015 A-ha - The Sun Always Shines On TV.mp3 4.6MB [5:04] 1986-016 Jermaine Stewart - We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off.mp3 5.3MB [4:38] 1986-017 Wham! - The Edge Of Heaven.mp3 4.2MB [4:33] 1986-018 Madonna - True Blue.mp3 4.9MB [4:16] 1986-019 Spitting Image - The Chicken Song.mp3 2.4MB [2:39] 1986-020 Patti LaBelle & Michael McDonald - On My Own.mp3 5.2MB [4:32] 1986-021 Jackie Wilson - Reet Petite.mp3 2.5MB [2:41] 1986-022 The Bangles - Walk Like An Egyptian.mp3 3.1MB [3:24] 1986-023 Kim Wilde - You Keep Me Hangin' On.mp3 3.8MB [4:11] 1986-024 The Housemartins - Caravan Of Love.mp3 3.2MB [3:30] 1986-025 Nu Shooz - I Can't Wait.mp3 6.2MB [5:24] 1986-026 Five Star - Rain Or Shine.mp3 5.5MB [4:01] 1986-027 Peter Gabriel - Sledgehammer.mp3 5.6MB [4:55] 1986-028 Erasure - Sometimes.mp3 6.7MB [4:55] 1986-029 Pet Shop Boys - West End Girls.mp3 4.5MB [3:57] 1986-030 Status Quo - In The Army Now.mp3 4.3MB [4:41] 1986-031 Level 42 - Lessons In Love.mp3 5.7MB [3:59] 1986-032 Simply Red - Holding Back The Years.mp3 5.1MB [4:29] 1986-033 Sly Fox - Let's Go All The Way.mp3 5.9MB [5:09] 1986-034 Cliff Richard & Sarah Brightman - All I Ask Of You.mp3 3.8MB [4:10] 1986-035 Bon Jovi - Livin' On A Prayer.mp3 3.8MB [4:11] 1986-036 Owen Paul - My Favourite Waste Of Time.mp3 10.8MB [7:42] 1986-037 Mel & Kim - Showing Out (Get Fresh At The Weekend).mp3 8.1MB [5:09] 1986-038 The Bangles - Manic Monday.mp3 3.5MB [3:04] 1986-039 Dire Straits - Walk Of Life.mp3 9.6MB [4:12] 1986-040 Queen - A Kind Of Magic.mp3 13.4MB [5:53] 1986-041 The Housemartins - Happy Hour.mp3 3.3MB [2:22] 1986-042 Peter Cetera - Glory Of Love.mp3 5.0MB [4:19] 1986-043 Sam Cooke - Wonderful World.mp3 5.5MB [3:01] 1986-044 Swing Out Sister - Breakout.mp3 3.5MB [3:48] 1986-045 Cameo - Word Up.mp3 5.0MB [4:19] 1986-046 Samantha Fox - Touch Me (I Want Your Body).mp3 3.5MB [3:50] 1986-047 Madonna - Borderline.mp3 6.0MB [5:16] 1986-048 Paul Simon - You Can Call Me Al.mp3 4.3MB [4:38] 1986-049 Robert Palmer - Addicted To Love.mp3 4.5MB [3:53] 1986-050 Nana Mouskouri - Only Love.mp3 4.1MB [4:30] 1986-051 Madonna - Live To Tell.mp3 6.7MB [5:50] 1986-052 Rod Stewart - Every Beat Of My Heart.mp3 7.3MB [5:19] 1986-053 Amazulu - Too Good To Be Forgotten.mp3 2.8MB [3:02] 1986-054 Janet Jackson - What Have You Done For Me Lately?.mp3 5.7MB [4:59] 1986-055 Su Pollard - Starting Together.mp3 5.0MB [3:39] 1986-056 Five Star - System Addict.mp3 7.5MB [4:05] 1986-057 The Real Thing - You To Me Are Everything (The Decade Remix 76 / 86).mp3 3.1MB [3:23] 1986-058 Cutting Crew - (I Just) Died In Your Arms.mp3 4.2MB [4:36] 1986-059 Stan Ridgway - Camouflage.mp3 10.5MB [7:05] 1986-060 Gwen Guthrie - Ain't Nothin' Goin' On But The Rent.mp3 5.5MB [6:01] 1986-061 Whitney Houston - How Will I Know.mp3 5.2MB [4:31] 1986-062 David Bowie - Absolute Beginners.mp3 6.4MB [5:38] 1986-063 Oran 'Juice' Jones - The Rain.mp3 6.6MB [5:10] 1986-064 Eurythmics - Thorn In My Side.mp3 5.8MB [4:14] 1986-065 The Damned - Eloise.mp3 4.7MB [5:10] 1986-066 The Real Thing - Can't Get By Without You (The Second Decade Remix).mp3 5.2MB [3:20] 1986-067 Bananarama - Venus.mp3 8.2MB [3:36] 1986-068 Jim Diamond - Hi Ho Silver.mp3 3.8MB [4:07] 1986-069 Whitney Houston - Saving All My Love For You.mp3 5.5MB [3:59] 1986-070 Modern Talking - Brother Louie.mp3 3.3MB [3:38] 1986-071 Five Star - Can't Wait Another Minute.mp3 8.3MB [4:32] 1986-072 Sigue Sigue Sputnik - Love Missile F1-11.mp3 5.4MB [3:45] 1986-073 Nick Kamen - Each Time You Break My Heart.mp3 6.2MB [4:31] 1986-074 Mr Mister - Broken Wings.mp3 5.3MB [4:36] 1986-075 A-ha - Hunting High And Low.mp3 3.4MB [3:43] 1986-076 Bronski Beat - Hit That Perfect Beat.mp3 6.6MB [5:48] 1986-077 Survivor - Burning Heart.mp3 4.4MB [3:49] 1986-078 Madonna - Open Your Heart.mp3 3.5MB [3:51] 1986-079 Cherelle With Alexander O'Neal - Saturday Love.mp3 7.1MB [5:11] 1986-080 Debbie Harry - French Kissin' In The USA.mp3 6.6MB [5:07] 1986-081 Farley 'Jackmaster' Funk - Love Can't Turn Around.mp3 6.0MB [6:34] 1986-082 Red Box - For America.mp3 5.2MB [3:46] 1986-083 Gregory Abbott - Shake You Down.mp3 3.6MB [3:58] 1986-084 Atlantic Starr - Secret Lovers.mp3 4.7MB [4:04] 1986-085 Van Halen - Why Can't This Be Love.mp3 4.3MB [3:47] 1986-086 James Brown - Living In America.mp3 5.4MB [4:40] 1986-087 Jaki Graham - Set Me Free.mp3 8.4MB [3:41] 1986-088 Anita Dobson & The Simon May Orchestra - Anyone Can Fall In Love.mp3 3.2MB [3:29] 1986-089 Shakin' Stevens - Merry Christmas Everyone.mp3 3.4MB [3:41] 1986-090 UB40 - Sing Our Own Song.mp3 3.8MB [4:08] 1986-091 Run-DMC with Aerosmith - Walk This Way.mp3 3.3MB [3:38] 1986-092 It Bites - Calling All The Heroes.mp3 6.7MB [4:01] 1986-093 Whitney Houston - The Greatest Love Of All.mp3 5.7MB [4:58] 1986-094 Huey Lewis & The News - Do You Believe In Love.mp3 4.0MB [3:28] 1986-094 Huey Lewis & The News - Power Of Love.mp3 5.4MB [3:57] 1986-095 Hollywood Beyond - What's The Colour Of Money.mp3 5.0MB [3:23] 1986-096 Bucks Fizz - New Beginning (Mamba Seyra).mp3 3.7MB [4:05] 1986-097 Lionel Richie - Dancing On The Ceiling.mp3 5.0MB [4:22] 1986-098 A-ha - Cry Wolf.mp3 3.8MB [4:08] 1986-099 Spandau Ballet - Through The Barricades.mp3 7.3MB [5:34] 1986-100 Pet Shop Boys - Suburbia.mp3 4.7MB [4:04] Total file size: 525MB Total run-time: 7:21:07 Downloads:	i don't know
A Bird Of Paradise can be seen on which country's national flag?	FLAGS and STAMPS: Birds on Flags FLAGS and STAMPS This blog is all about "Flags of the World" on Stamps & other Philatelic items, as well as, on "Indian Flag" and its History from the collection of a veteran philatelist. Content of this blog is copyrighted. Do not use the text and pictures in any format without expressed permission of the owner of this blog. India Flag by Expedia.com.au Thursday, August 5, 2010 Birds on Flags Most of my previous posts were devoted to the history and evolution of the Indian National flag under the caption "Quest For a National Flag for India". Since, the series has been completed for the time being, I shall now concentrate on other topics and symbolisms concerning to the National flags of the World. Most 'National Flags' have symbols and they all have special significance with respect to their country. Symbols on Flags are explicit outward expressions of how the country looks at itself. Let us now glance over such 'Symbols on Flags' as depicted on postage stamps. BIRDS ON FLAGS Many countries have placed "Birds" on their National Insignia and flags. Because of the Birds connection to the sky, they have been thought of as a supernatural link between the heavens and the earth. The birds represent a passage between the physical world and spiritual worlds. Birds in flight represent freedom. The “Double-headed Eagle” devise is inherited from the Byzantine empire. The head on the left (West) symbolizes Rome, the head on the right (East) symbolizes Constantinople. It became widely associated with the Holy Roman Empire. Several Eastern European nations adopted it from the Byzantines and continue to use it as their national symbol to this day, the most prominent being Albania, Austria, Germany, Russia, erstwhile Epirus India’s Mysore State also had a double-headed Eagle the “Gandaberunda” as the royal symbol. The legendary Gandaberunda possessing two heads facing away from the other was the emblem of the Mysore rulers of the Wadeyar Dynasty. Indian Navy adopted the Gandaberunda as the crest of the ship 'INS Mysore'. 'Qureish falcon’ of the Egyptian flag was replaced by the ‘Eagle of Saladin’ bearing on its breast a shield with the national colours in 1984. (Eagle - the emblem of Saladin - a 12th. century Sultan and opponent of the Crusaders) The flag of Mexico is an Eagle holding a snake in its beak and standing on a prickly pear. The serpent and the Eagle refer to the legendary foundation of Tenochtitlan (Mexico) by the Aztecs combining the two cosmic forces: that of the sun in the eagle and those of the earth in the serpent. The Condor – a local bird of the Equatorian Andes- opens its wings and with its majesty and energy symbolizes the Fatherland in its effort of self improvement and progress. The Steppe Eagle or Berkut (Aquila Nipalensis) is a bird of prey. The Steppe Eagle is the national bird of Kazakhstan and can be seen on its National Flag. The Goshawk (Acor in Portuguese) refers to the Islands of Azores The Sisserou Parrot (Amazona imperalis) “The Pride of Dominica”, is the National Bird of Dominica. The parrot figures prominently on the Coat of Arms, the National Flag, The Public Seal, The Mace of the House of Assembly and Dominica’s Honours for Meritorious Service to the Country. The Sisserou Parrot is protected and is found only in Dominica.In 1988 the parrot, which was originally facing right was turned to face the left of the flag. Burma(Myanmar) had once the "Peacock" as their national emblem. According to believes the Peacock heralds spring, birth, new growth, longevity, and love. (Stamps at the top were issued by Burma Independence Army during Japanese Occupation in1943). The soapstone bird featured on the flag represents a statuette of a bird found at the ruins of Great Zimbabwe. The bird symbolizes the history of Zimbabwe and now is a national symbol. The flag was adopted on April 18, 1980. Zimbabwe gained independence from Britain as Southern Rhodesia in 1965 and then gained independence from Rhodesia as Zimbabwe in 1980. The Resplendent Quetzal (Paramocrus Mocinno), the brilliant bird found in the cloud forests of Central America, was sacred to the Mayans and figures prominently in their artwork and legends. Today the Quetzal (also spelled Quetzel and Quesal) is the national bird of Guatemala, and name to the Guatemalan currency. The Flag of Kiribati has on the upper half a gold frigate bird (Fregata minor, in Kiribati te eitei) flying over a gold rising sun (otintaai). The frigate bird (also called 'Man-of-War' birds or Pirate birds) symbolizes command of the sea, power, freedom and Kiribati cultural dance patterns. Kiribati's flag is an armorial banner, a flag having a design corresponding exactly to that of the shield in the coat of arms. The coat of arms dates back to May 1937 when it was granted to the Gilbert and Ellice Islands, as Kiribati and Tuvalu were then known. The shield was incorporated into the center of the fly of a British Blue Ensign as the state ensign of the colony. The birds-of-paradise are members of the family Paradisaeidae of the order Passeriformes. The majority of species in this family are found on the island of New Guinea and its satellites. The members of this family are perhaps best known for the plumage of the males of most species, in particular highly elongated and elaborate feathers extending from the beak, wings or head. The family is of cultural importance to the inhabitants of Papua New Guinea. African Balearic Crested Crane (Balearica regulorum) is a bird in the crane family Gruidae. This bird does not migrate. There are two subspecies. The East African Crested Crane is the national bird of Uganda. *********	Papua New Guinea
Which type of pasta has a name meaning 'little tongues'?	Japanese 'Bird-of-Paradise' \| BirdLife Support Us <div class="bg_partners_and_news"></div> Like most websites we use cookies. If you’re happy with that, just carry on as normal ( close this bar ) - otherwise click here to find out more. Japanese 'Bird-of-Paradise' By HIH Princess Takamado, 1 Jun 2014 Japanese Paradise-flycatcher. Photo: HIH Princess Takamado Top Stories Photos and text: Her Imperial Highness Princess Takamado English Translation: Asia Club, WBSJ Volunteer Group (FURUKAWA Setsu, KASE Tomoko) Strelitzia (Bird-of-paradise flower) may be the first to come up to our mind when thinking of an exotic flower commonly seen in flower shops in Japan. Strelitzia species range mainly in South Africa and bear colorful flowers. The orange part like a crest is the flower, and the yellow part like a beak is the bract. It was discovered a British person in 1772. The flower was named after the bird called “Bird-of-paradise” of Family Paradisaeidae. The 39 bird species of the family are on islands in Papua New Guinea, as well as in the northeastern depths in Australia. When the firsst specimens were brought to Europe in the 16th century, the bird became hot topics. It was in the midst of the Age of Exploration, when natural history was dawning. A large number of exotic specimens were brought back to Europe for trade and those of the Bird-of-paradise were among them. Their legs were cut off to show off the beautiful and fantastic feathers for trade, which had people believe that the bird must be a bird of heaven, drifting in the breeze for the whole lifetime without perching on tree branches. Thus the bird was named “Bird-of- paradise”. Its Japanese name “Fu-cho”, meaning a bird of wind, derives from the similar imagination. As the demand on its stuffed specimens and feathers as accessories for dresses and hats increased, the birds came to be grossly overhunt. However, most birds belonging to Family Corvidae, along with the Bird-of-paradise, are black or quieter in color. In Japan, too, we have a bird which flies among ever-green tree leaves swinging its long tail. It is the Japanese Paradise Flycatcher, “Sankocho” ( Terpsiphone atrocaudata) in Japanese. The Japanese hear its song as “Tsuki-hi-hosi hoi,hoi,hoi”, which means “moon, sun, star, hoi,hoi,hoi” in Japanese. Moon, sun and star are “three shining astral bodies”. This is why the Japanese Paradise Flycatcher is called “San(three) ko(shining) cho(bird)” It is a summer bird in Japan with black and purple body which shines beautifully in the sunlight. In breeding season the tail of the male is three times as long as its body size, and its bright blue eye rings and beaks are characteristic. The female has a much shorter tail and paler eye rings and beaks. I would like to say proudly to birdwatchers from abroad that we also do have a Bird-of-paradise. The Japanese Paradise Flycatcher is really beautiful in a way different from the gorgeous “Bird-of-paradise” It is well in harmony with the Japanese landscapes. I used to feel jealous when I heard some acquaintance of mine had been to Papua New Guinea for birdwatching, but recently I feel very satisfied with just to watch the Japanese Paradise Flycatcher. Although they say “the grass is always greener on the other side”, we should not fail to take better care of our own grass, should we? I sincerely wish Japan will stay as such a country where the Japanese Paradise Flycatchers fly in the piedmont, as if dancing, and breed safely forever. HIH Princess Takamado	i don't know
Which comedy figure opened a London nightclub called The Establishment' in 1961?	Peter Cook’s The Establishment Club \| Darkest London Peter Cook’s The Establishment Club March 11, 2013 Between 1961 and 1964, 18 Greek Street, Soho was the home of the Establishment Club. The club was open for a little over three years, and for nearly half that time, the man most associated with it, Peter Cook, wasn’t even in the country. Very few photographs of its interior exist and not many recordings were made of the acts who took to its stage. And yet, nearly fifty years after it shut, it remains one of the most iconic comedy venues in the world. Opening a satirical nightclub had been a dream of Cook’s ever since he started performing at university. With the satire boom catapulting him into sudden stardom (he was starring nightly in Beyond The Fringe at the Fortune Theatre from May 1961), he wasted no time in setting up a joint venture with Cambridge colleague Nick Luard. His plan was to open a theatre/dinner club with a jazz club in the basement, which would feature a nightly satirical show on stage. “I didn’t think it was a risk at all,’ he later told Clive James. “My dread in my last year in Cambridge was that somebody else would have this very obvious idea to do political cabaret uncensored by the Lord Chamberlain. I thought it was a certainty.” The flagrantly ironic name (‘the only good title that I ever thought of’, Cook famously said) came first; locating the premises second. Cook himself wanted the seediness of Soho. At the time, Soho was the only place in England where sex was visibly on sale – in blue cinemas, strip joints, peep shows and stag clubs. An ongoing gangland turf war had been inflamed by the results of the Wolfenden Report, which had forced prostitutes off the streets and into the network of tiny rooms in the surrounding buildings. On their first viewing of 18 Greek Street (then Club Tropicana, a club boasting an “all girl strip revue”), Cook’s wife Wendy recalled it was “the seediest of beer-sodden atmospheres. The windows were swagged in oceans of red velvet curtains…there were discarded G-strings, used condoms, plastic chandeliers – all the tawdry remnants of a former strip club.” It was perfect. Cook and Luard at their new premises in Soho, 1961 The Establishment Club opened in October 1961. The décor was chosen by Sean Kenny, who had designed the sets for Lionel Bart’s Oliver and Roger Law (who, as one half of Fluck and Law, would go on to create the long running ITV satire puppet show Spitting Image) had a space for a nightly cartoon on one of the walls near the entrance. The size of the place – “it was a tiny little room” recalled resident singer Jean Hart – meant it always seemed busy and intimate. Manager Bruce Copp recalled the layout: “There was a long approach as you went into the club; it was a long building, in fact, as most are on Greek Street. A good half of it was given over to the theatre and restaurant and the stage was at the far end of that. The first half was a long bar. As you came in the door, the bar used to be very crowded and yet you would recognise every face.” Advance subscriptions had ensured there was a profit before the doors ever opened, and within weeks, membership applications quickly rose to 7000. Lifetime members received a portrait of Harold Macmillan. Early visitors included EM Forster, the writer James Baldwin, Robert Mitchum, Jack Lemmon, Paul McCartney (on the cusp of fame) and George Melly, who visited almost nightly and had his own table kept permanently aside for him and wife Diana. The Club’s success in attracting members quickly became a double-edged sword: it was full most nights, but that meant many members couldn’t get in. Cook on stage at the club, 1961 Some less welcome visitors also came through the doors early on – a group of local thugs turned up to innocently ask if the club had “fire insurance.” “Once, Peter brought them all in and threatened to put them all on stage. I thought that was absolutely brilliant,” recalled Christopher Logue, whose lyrics were sung at the club by Jean Hart. “Of course, they became terribly embarrassed and left.” There was a first sitting in restaurant at 7.30pm before the early show started at 8.15pm. All the plates were cleared away before the show began – to avoid any “clatter and carry-on”, in the words of Bruce Copp. “The show comes first, and if they can’t wait, they are philistine and they will have to go. If they have come here just for the food, they must be mad.” The menu from the Establishment The show lasted for roughly 90 minutes, followed by a second sitting at the restaurant, and then the late show which started at 10.45pm. Dudley Moore, performing with Cook in Beyond The Fringe, would arrive and head downstairs around this time to perform with his Trio (he later complained he never got to see anything which happened upstairs in all the time he was there.) Cook also arrived at the same time, doing usually ten to fifteen minutes on stage every night. The original Establishment Club players consisted of John Bird, John Fortune, Eleanor Bron and Jeremy Geidt – near-contemporaries of Cook’s from Cambridge and, like the Beyond The Fringe performers, had been involved with Oxbridge revues. A compilation of their best sketches, recorded in the club, was released on LP (it’s currently unavailable.) The satirical magazine Private Eye briefly moved in upstairs (prior to Cook becoming the main shareholder, although he had already given them some financial assistance on occasion) – the opening of the club and the first publication of the magazine had occured within three weeks of each other. Upstairs Sean Kenny also had a studio, as did photographer Lewis Morley (it was on the first floor of the building where he took his famous photograph of Christine Keeler astride an Arne Jacobsen chair, which you can see here at the V&A’s website, along with an interview about the session from Morley.) In 1962, the club saw three very different comedians perform landmark gigs. The American comedian Lenny Bruce did his first and only London run at the club. Cook personally picked him up from Heathrow and the early signs weren’t good: “This dreadful shambling figure came out carrying three miniature tape recorders, which he insisted on playing all the way and which consisted of nothing but aeroplane noises and grunting and farting. And I thought, “What am I going to do with this wreck?” I had left him at the hotel, and the next thing that happened was that I got a call saying Mr Bruce had been asked to leave the hotel because there were hookers and syringes everywhere.” Bruce endured a terrible week, struggling through the days as the only heroin he could illegally find in London was far weaker than the stuff he was legally prescribed in the US. Jean Hart recalled, “I sang a couple of nights when Lenny Bruce was there and it was awful. This creature was almost being eaten up. He was huddled in the corner like a little rag doll…nobody knew how to deal with this man whose habit was a hundred times bigger than anything our doctors had seen. He was going crazy, poor man.” His material included the difficulty of getting snot off suede jackets, cancer, and asking the front row “Hands up who has masturbated today?” Christopher Booker remembered, “I loved it, but I was slightly worried by the atmosphere of the time; the menace of it. I went almost every night Lenny Bruce was there.” Bizarrely, the singer Alma Cogan became smitten with Bruce, and attended every night of his run. Bruce didn’t reciprocate her affections – he spent most nights in the greasy spoon cafes around Leicester Square, which he liked because they reminded him of his early days in New York. A return booking in May 1963 fell apart when the Home Secretary deemed Bruce an “undesirable alien” and he was refused entry to the country as soon as he reached Heathrow. A similarly seismic performance came from a comedian who couldn’t be any less like Lenny Bruce: Frankie Howerd. Hugely popular in the post-World War 2 period, Howerd’s career was largely regarded as being on the wane when he attended the Evening Standard Theatre Awards at the Savoy. Given the chance to say a few words (and his terrible nerves fortified by scotch), he brought the house down. Cook was in the audience and he immediately booked him to play the Establishment Club. On Howerd’s This Is Your Life many years later, Cook called him “one of the funniest men in the world. I’d say ‘the funniest’, but Dudley’s very sensitive.” Cook also thought the irreverent Howerd might be a big name to attract new members. Howerd was paid £400 a week, and his act was written by a who’s who of comedy – Johnny Speight (author of Till Death Us Do Part) wrote the main bulk of the material, with contributions from Galton and Simpson (the writers of Hancock’s Half Hour), and Howerd had the routine checked over by Barry Cryer, Barry Took and Eric Sykes. He couldn’t afford for it to go badly. It didn’t. His opening line – “If you expect Lenny Bruce then you may as well piss off now!” – brought the house down. He continued by pondering why a sausage was funnier than a lamb chop. His performances packed the club out. On the LP released of the act, Kenneth William’s instantly recognisable laugh can be heard throughout, and also in the audience was Ned Sherrin who was so impressed, he gave Howerd a lengthy solo slot on That Was The Week That Was. A star was reborn. The Australian actor and comedian Barry Humpheries also made his debut at the Establishment in 1962 – although the reception was far less rapturous than it was for Howerd or Bruce. This Lewis Morley photo shows Humpheries relaxing outside the club in 1962 . Humpheries had served for a year as Sowerberry the Undertaker in Oliver, understudying Ron Moody’s Fagin, and was feeling creatively stifled. Having returned to Melbourne earlier in the year for his critically acclaimed first solo show (A Nice Night’s Entertainment, largely a showcase for his Melbourne housewife Dame Edna Everage) he remained an underground figure on the fringes of art and theatre in England. In May 1962, Peter Cook asked Humpheries to stand in for Lenny Bruce when the British authorities refused to let him enter the country. Humpheries recalled first meeting Cook outside the club in Edna’s 1989 autobiography My Gorgeous Life. He had “a little upside-down smile, like a thin, kind shark.” After“some university students…doing impressions of Harold Macmillian and stopping to laugh at themselves and light smelly cigarettes,” Humpheries stepped onto the Establishment stage and began “his endless chatter.” That evening the little tables in the club were packed with celebrities, and kind, supportive Peter pointed some of them out to me as we nibbled our steaks in the corner. That jolly little balding man with the wavy upper lip was John Betjeman, the famous poet, who apparently adored me. Over there in a grubby pink suit was a droopy man whose arms were too long for his body, chain smoking cigarettes with the wrong fingers. His name was Tynan, a critic apparently…Jean Shrimpton, the famous glamour-puss, was looking bewildered. Holding forth at her table was a carrot-headed camel-faced man in a crumpled corduroy suit called Dr [Jonathan] Miller, who seemed to be trying to knot his arms together with some degree of success. I even noticed a few journalists with notebooks at the ready. As Humpheries droned on, he became aware the laughter he’d heard in Australia was entirely absent. “Instead of laughter and applause, I could hear an odd shuffling and clattering noise and even the sound of people chatting quite loudly amongst themselves.” The act was a flop, and the critics were harsh. The Daily Mail reviewed the gig: “His eyes tiny like diamond chips, his mouth slit and thin like a beak, Barry Humpheries looked for all the world like an emu in moult.” Humpheries later referred to his “highly successful, five minute season” at the Establishment Club. Continuing his dramatic and musical roles, he created Barry McKenzie for Private Eye in 1964 (which ran for a decade and spawned two movies in the early 1970s) before a triumphant return to Australia with the 1965 solo show Excuse I. Success in Britain eluded him until 1976’s Housewife Superstar! which became “one of the most popular series of one-man shows since Charles Dickens’ tours in the 1880s.” Edna – “the thinking man’s Eva Peron” – played to sold out audiences for four months, first at the Apollo, then the Globe. From that point on he was a West End fixture. In September 1962, Cook sailed to New York with the rest of the Beyond The Fringe cast to start the show on Broadway. Just as it had been in London, the show was a huge success – as Harold MacMillan had attended the London run, so JFK turned up for a performance in New York. Cook also opened up a US version of The Establishment at the Strollers Theatre Club on East 54th St. By the time Cook returned to London in April 1964, the Establishment Club was going down the tubes. It had run into serious financial trouble. As Luard ran into financial difficulties when a couple of his other businesses folded, he was forced by the bank to hand the club over to Raymond Nash, a “tough Lebanese entrepreneur” and stockholder who craved both legitimacy (the Establishment was an entirely straight business, something of a rarity in Soho.) Nash took over the running of the Establishment and it was the moment everything changed – in short, the intelligentsia stopped going. Luard’s wife Elizabeth said “The collapse of the enterprise was sudden. Peter and Nicholas never, to my knowledge, discussed it – still less apportioned blame. Certainly Nicolas blamed himself; and perhaps Peter knew that he’d left his friend up the creek without a paddle.” Since 1964, 18 Greek Street has been much the same as it is today – a bar with nightclub leanings. Formerly the Boardwalk, the occupier since 2008 has been the “funky cocktail bar and restaurant” Zebrano. Zebrano even paid quiet tribute to the former club by naming themselves “Zebrano at the Establishment” over one window. On 15 February 2009, a plaque was erected outside, commemorating the Establishment. It was unveiled by the DJ Mike Read – it was going to be Robin Gibb of the Bee Gees, but he pulled out when a newspaper revealed he’d fathered a child with his housekeeper. In September 2012, Keith Allen and Victor Lewis-Smith attempted to revive the spirit of the Establishment Club with two nights of comedy and cabaret at Ronnie Scott’s jazz club on Gerrard Street. The evenings were planned as monthly pop-ups, following a conversation Lewis-Smith had with Cook’s widow Lin, where she claimed Cook was planning to reopen The Establishment when he died in 1995. Whether they will manage to get back into the original premises remains to be seen. Note: there’s actually surprisingly little specific material on the Establishment Club in books dealing with satire. Most of the anecdotes are simply people saying “Gosh, yes, I remember it, it was frightfully exciting.” One of the more detailed books is Wendy Cook’s So Farewell Then: The Biography of Peter Cook , which I used alongside all the other major Cook books. Any more details gratefully received. Share this:	Peter Cook
The story ‘The Siege of Trencher’s Farm' was released as which 1971 film?	Jonathan Coe reviews ‘The Wit and Wisdom of Boris Johnson’ edited by Harry Mount · LRB 18 July 2013 edited by Harry Mount Bloomsbury, 149 pp, £9.99, June 2013, ISBN 978 1 4081 8352 6 In 1956, James Sutherland, a professor of 18th-century literature, delivered the Clark Lectures at Trinity College, Cambridge on the subject of ‘English satire’. ‘In recent years,’ he announced, ‘there have been signs of an increased interest in satirical writing,’ but even he couldn’t have seen what was about to start unfolding in a year or two, on his very doorstep. Beyond the Fringe is routinely credited with starting the ‘satire boom’, but that accolade should really go to The Last Laugh, the 1959 Cambridge Footlights revue, directed and largely devised by John Bird. CND was just beginning to gather momentum and the show opened with a huge nuclear explosion, following which, in the words of the producer William Donaldson, the audience was treated to a whole evening’s worth of ‘terrible gloomy stuff – the punchline of every sketch was people dying.’ Nonetheless, it was undoubtedly a strong influence on Peter Cook (one of the original cast members) and the other three-quarters of the Beyond the Fringe team (Alan Bennett, Jonathan Miller and Dudley Moore), who would go on to present their own take on the nuclear threat, in a sketch called ‘Civil War’. In that sketch, a worried Moore listens trustingly as a succession of posh-voiced government spokesmen seek to reassure him that all the appropriate measures are in place in the event of a nuclear attack. When he voices disbelief that a four-minute warning would be enough, and Cook drawlingly retorts, ‘I’d remind those doubters that some people in this great country of ours can run a mile in four minutes,’ the satire actually bites. It was certainly one of the most scathing and well-targeted sketches in Beyond the Fringe. Otherwise, if this truly represented the first high point of the ‘satire boom’, the tensions and contradictions inherent in the movement were already visible. Miller’s long-winded monologue about trousers, ‘The Heat Death of the Universe’, is a flight of whimsical fantasy which reminds us that it was fashionable, at that time, to admire N.F. Simpson and his theatre of the suburban absurd. Cook’s ‘Sitting on a Bench’, [] in which a delusional tramp informs the audience, in a glazed monotone, that he ‘could have been a judge if he’d had the Latin’, is Beckettian in its bleakness and oddity. Altogether, the subjects of each sketch are so various, and the collective point of view is so moveable, that one can pin it down no more closely than by calling it ‘anti-establishment’. Michael Frayn may have excoriated that phrase – in his brief, brilliant introduction to the published text, Beyond the Fringe, in 1963 – as denoting ‘a spacious vacancy of thought’, but really, I don’t see how we can do any better. Any real ‘establishment’ is impossible to define (this being a principal source of its power and durability), but as far as the Fringers were concerned the British version circa 1960 seems to have included at least the Church of England, the army, the government, the judiciary, the public schools and the class system, all of which were held up as worthy of incredulous laughter. And so, in discussing the movement that Beyond the Fringe helped to kick off, perhaps it would be better not to talk of satire (satire being only one of its ingredients) but ‘anti-establishment comedy’. Another thing worth remembering is that practically every one of its leading figures had been to Oxford or Cambridge and could, therefore, be seen to have at least a foothold in the establishment they were criticising: in the words of Cook’s biographer, Harry Thompson, these were not rebellious outsiders but ‘young men questioning a system they had been trained to lead’ and laughing at ‘the society that had reared them’. The four cast members of Beyond the Fringe soon decamped to New York, where the revue achieved even longer-running success on Broadway than it had in the West End, and were out of the country by the time the BBC discovered anti-establishment comedy and gave it a national platform in the shape of That Was the Week That Was, which first aired on 24 November 1962, presented by David Frost. With the cancelling of that show little more than a year later, ostensibly on the grounds that it interfered with the BBC’s duty of impartiality in the run-up to the 1964 election, the heyday of anti-establishment comedy was already over. Yet its influence on British radio and television has never died out completely. There was never much social comment in Monty Python (until they made Life of Brian), but the (Oxbridge-educated) Not the Nine O’Clock News team at the beginning of the 1980s sometimes aimed for satire, and Armando Iannucci (University College, Oxford) has blazed such a trail through broadcast comedy in recent years that no one would begrudge him the OBE he recently accepted from the establishment he has worked so hard to undermine. Meanwhile, on Have I Got News for You and The News Quiz respectively, Ian Hislop (Ardingly, Magdalen) and old Harrovian Francis Wheen tirelessly carry on the work that the Beyond the Fringe team started more than half a century ago. When Have I Got News for You moved to BBC One more than a decade ago it began to lose some of its teeth: so much so, after a while, that one regular panellist, Will Self, announced he would no longer be taking part. At its erratic best, however, it remains a worthwhile show. In fact the Guardian columnist Martin Kettle went so far a couple of years ago as to call Ian Hislop, on the basis of his weekly appearances there, ‘the single most influential voice in modern British politics’. He was not paying a straightforward compliment. ‘Week in and week out’, his message ‘is that pretty much all politicians are corrupt, deluded, incompetent, second-rate and hypocritical’. This message, Kettle said, is delivered with ‘enviable deftness and wit’, but it is also ‘extremely repetitive’. Steve Fielding, an academic, went further and argued in 2011 that in accepting this view of politicians as uniformly corrupt and useless, the public are embracing a dangerous new stereotype, since it ‘can only further reinforce mistrust in the public realm, a mistrust that some political forces seek to exploit’. ‘Comedy,’ he continued, ‘has always relied on stereotypes. There was a time when the Irish were thick; the Scots were careful with money; mothers-in-law fierce and ugly; and the Welsh stole and shagged sheep. The corrupt politician is one such stereotype, one that is neither racist nor sexist and seemingly acceptable to all.’ The idea that politicians are morally inferior to the rest of us is ‘a convenient view, for it means we, the audience, the voters, are not to blame for anything: we are not to blame because we are the victims of a politics gone wrong.’ Fielding’s remarks were eloquent and timely; but it is remarkable how fully they were anticipated by Frayn in 1963. Even then – in the very year of That Was the Week That Was – Frayn was using the same analogy, and could see, just as clearly, how anti-establishment comedy was letting its audience off the hook: ‘To go on mocking the Establishment,’ he wrote, ‘has more and more meant making the audience laugh not at themselves at all, but at a standard target which is rapidly becoming as well-established as mothers-in-law. To do this is not to undermine but to confirm the audience’s prejudices, and has less in common with satire than with community hymn-singing – agreeable and heartwarming as that may be.’ And Frayn, indeed, was echoing what James Sutherland had pointed out seven years earlier when he said that ‘certain kinds of satirical writing (political satire is a good example) are not normally intended to convert one’s opponents, but to gratify and fortify one’s friends.’ Or perhaps we should give the final, gloomiest word on this subject to William Cowper, writing in 1785: Yet what can satire, whether grave or gay? … What vice has it subdued? whose heart reclaimed By rigour, or whom laughed into reform? Alas! Leviathan is not so tamed. Despite all this, it always seems that successive generations of entertainers, bent on laughing people out of their follies and vices, remain optimistic about the power of anti-establishment comedy at the outset of their careers: it’s only later that reality kicks in. When Humphrey Carpenter interviewed the leading lights of the 1960s satire boom for his book That Was Satire, That Was in the late 1990s, he found that what was once youthful enthusiasm had by now curdled into disillusionment. One by one, they expressed dismay at the culture of facetious cynicism their work had spawned, their complaints coalescing into a dismal litany of regret. John Bird: ‘Everything is a branch of comedy now. Everybody is a comedian. Everything is subversive. And I find that very tiresome.’ Barry Humphries: ‘Everyone is being satirical, everything is a send-up. There’s an infuriating frivolity, cynicism and finally a vacuousness.’ Christopher Booker: ‘Peter Cook once said, back in the 1960s, “Britain is in danger of sinking giggling into the sea,” and I think we really are doing that now.’ The key word here is ‘giggling’ (or in some versions of the quotation, ‘sniggering’). Of the four Beyond the Fringe members, it’s always Peter Cook who is described as the comic genius, and like any genius he fully (if not always consciously) understood the limitations of his own medium. He understood laughter, in other words – and certainly understood that it is anything but a force for change. Famously, when opening his club, The Establishment, in Soho in 1961, Cook remarked that he was modelling it on ‘those wonderful Berlin cabarets which did so much to stop the rise of Hitler and prevent the outbreak of the Second World War’. And his comment about giggling (or sniggering) as we sink beneath the sea was developed in a Beyond the Fringe sketch called ‘The Sadder and Wiser Beaver’, about a bunch of young, would-be radical journalists who won’t admit they have sold their soul to a rapacious newspaper proprietor: COOK: Whenever the old man has a cocktail party, there’s about ten of us – young, progressive people – we all gather up the far end of the room and … quite openly, behind our hands, we snigger at him. BENNETT: Well, I don’t know, that doesn’t seem very much to me. COOK: A snigger here, a snigger there – it all adds up. The sketch makes it clear that laughter is not just ineffectual as a form of protest, but that it actually replaces protest – a point also developed by Frayn in his introduction. Ruminating on where the sudden public appetite for satire might have come from, he wrote: Conceivably the demand arose because after ten years of stable Conservative government, with no prospect in 1961 of its ever ending, the middle classes felt some vague guilt accumulating for the discrepancy between their prosperous security and the continuing misery of those who persisted in failing to conform, by being black, or queer, or mad, or old. Conceivably they felt the need to disclaim with laughter any responsibility for this situation, and so relieve their consciences without actually voting for anything which might have reduced their privileges. If anti-establishment comedy allows the public to ‘disclaim with laughter’ any responsibility for injustice, the sticking point is not really satire itself (for satire can take the gravest of forms) but laughter (or ‘sniggering’, to use Peter Cook’s term) in the face of political problems. Have I Got News for You presents thousands of practical demonstrations of this, so let’s look at just one of them, from the edition of 24 April 1998. It was Boris Johnson’s first appearance as a guest on the programme, and Ian Hislop was tormenting him on the subject of his notorious phone call with Darius Guppy, when they are alleged to have discussed the possibility of beating up an unfriendly journalist. Hislop was doing what he does best, remaining genial but suddenly toning down the humour and confronting the guest with chapter and verse for a past misdemeanour. As the exchange develops, Johnson looks distinctly uncomfortable, describing Hislop’s intervention as ‘richly comic’ and protesting: ‘I don’t want to be totally stitched up here.’ He calls Guppy a ‘great chap’, to which Hislop answers: ‘And a convicted fraudster.’ Johnson concedes this, and admits that Guppy made a ‘major goof’, and then begins to ramble and bumble in his characteristic way, groping for a way out of the corner; sensing, visibly, that Hislop has got him on the ropes, he mentions some of the other things that he and Guppy discussed during that conversation, including their military heroes. And suddenly, Paul Merton interjects with the line: ‘Hence Major Goof that you mentioned just now.’ It’s a lovely joke, which gets a terrific laugh and a round of applause. But its effect on the exchange is noticeable. An uncomfortable situation is suddenly defused: Johnson relaxes, the audience laughter gives him room to breathe and gather his thoughts. When he next speaks he is back on track, and says winningly: ‘Since you choose to bring up this unhappy episode I won’t deny a word of it. I’m not ashamed of it’ – and off he goes, into one of those endearing, self-deprecatory apologies of which he is now, 15 years later, a consummate master. It was the same Darius Guppy incident, brought up by Eddie Mair in his television interview with Johnson this March, [†] that produced one of his most cunning apologies. ‘I fully concede it wasn’t my most blistering performance,’ he admitted the next day, acknowledging that ‘Eddie Mair did a splendid job. He was perfectly within his rights to have a bash at me – in fact it would have been shocking if he hadn’t. If a BBC presenter can’t attack a nasty Tory politician, what’s the world coming to?’ The marked note of sarcasm in that last question suggests, all the same, that Johnson was rattled. As indeed he should have been: the interview, conducted in the cold ambience of a daytime news studio, was truly uncomfortable and damaging. On Have I Got News for You, by contrast – in what we might call the anti-establishment comedy version of the same exchange – it was laughter, more than anything else, that let Johnson off the hook. Hislop had been doing his job – bringing Private Eye’s brand of sceptical journalism to bear on a politician – and Merton had been doing his: making brilliant jokes. But that moment showed that the two approaches don’t necessarily meld. In fact, more often than not, they work against each other. A number of influences inform Boris Johnson’s persona. One of them, undoubtedly, is Hugh Grant. Johnson’s sister Rachel wrote a comic novel called Notting Hell: her brother has learned a lot about how to charm the socks off people by imitating the star of Notting Hill. But he has also learned a good deal from the anti-establishment comedy of the last fifty years (it’s possible to imagine him turning, in later years, into Peter Cook’s befuddled old aristo Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling), and he understands that the laughter it generates, correctly harnessed, can be very useful to a politician who knows what to do with it. And one certainly shouldn’t underestimate the role played by Have I Got News for You in that process. On four subsequent occasions (in 2002, 2003, 2005 and 2006), Johnson acted not as a panellist but as guest host of the programme, and these appearances cemented the public image of him as a lovable, self-mocking buffoon. In an age when politicians are judged first of all on personality, when the public assumes all of them to be deceitful, and when it’s easier and much more pleasurable to laugh about a political issue than to think about it, Johnson’s apparent self-deprecating honesty and lack of concern for his own dignity were bound to make him a hit. Anti-establishment comedy was a product of a more naive and deferential age, when to stand on a West End stage and make fun of the prime minister could be seen, briefly, as a radical act. In those days, the laughter of the audience really was something for Macmillan to be afraid of, because it signalled a genuine and profound shift in the public attitude towards him and the whole political class. But Boris Johnson – as Harry Mount’s little volume of his aperçus demonstrates – has nothing to fear from public laughter at all. These days, every politician is a laughing-stock, and the laughter which occasionally used to illuminate the dark corners of the political world with dazzling, unexpected shafts of hilarity has become an unthinking reflex on our part, a tired Pavlovian reaction to situations that are too difficult or too depressing to think about clearly. Johnson seems to know this: he seems to know that the laughter that surrounds him is a substitute for thought rather than its conduit, and that puts him at a wonderful advantage. If we are chuckling at him, we are not likely to be thinking too hard about his doggedly neoliberal and pro-City agenda, let alone doing anything to counter it. With a true genius for taking the temperature of a country that has never been closer to sinking ‘sniggering beneath the watery main’, Boris Johnson has become his own satirist: safe, above all, in the knowledge that the best way to make sure the satire aimed at you is gentle and unchallenging is to create it yourself. []	i don't know
Premiered in 1947 which composer wrote the music for the opera 'Albert Herring'?	Benjamin Britten, Composer \| Atlanta Symphony Orchestra 1913 - 1976 Biography Benjamin Britten was born in Lowestoft, Suffolk, on 22 November 1913. Although he was already composing prolifically from the age of seven, in 1928 lessons were arranged for him with the composer Frank Bridge; two years later he went to the Royal College of Music in London, studying with Arthur Benjamin, Harold Samuel and John Ireland. While still a student, he wrote his ‘official’ Op. 1, the Sinfonietta for chamber ensemble, and the Phantasy Quartet for oboe and string trio, and in 1936 he composed Our Hunting Fathers, an ambitious song-cycle for soprano and orchestra, which confirmed his virtuosic vocal and instrumental technique. He was already earning his living as a composer, having joined the GPO (Post Office) Film Unit the previous year; the collaboration he began there with the poet W. H. Auden was to prove an important one for several years. In 1937, he first met the tenor Peter Pears, with whom he entered into the lifelong personal and creative partnership that was to become a major inspiration for his music. Five months before the outbreak of World War Two, Britten and Pears travelled to the United States and stayed there for three years, returning to Britain in 1942. In America Britten wrote a number of important works, among them the Violin Concerto, the song-cycle Les Illuminations for high voice and strings, and the orchestral Sinfonia da Requiem. With the operetta Paul Bunyan he also made his first essay in a genre that would be particularly important to him. Back in England, where as conscientious objectors both men were excused military service, Britten began work on the opera that would establish him as the pre-eminent British composer of his generation – Peter Grimes, premiered to an ecstatic audience reaction on 7 June 1945 with Pears in the title role. The Young Person’s Guide to the Orchestra: Variations and Fugue on a Theme of Purcell – a cornerstone of the orchestral repertoire – was first performed in the following year. Britten now composed one major work after another, contributing significantly to symphonic, chamber and choral music but in particular to opera, through The Rape of Lucretia (1946), Albert Herring (1947), Billy Budd (1951), Gloriana (1953), The Turn of the Screw (1954), Noye’s Fludde (1957), A Midsummer Night’s Dream (1960), Owen Wingrave (1970–71) to ">Death in Venice (1971–73), an operatic swansong summing up the conflict of innocence and corruption that obsessed him all his life. It is dedicated to Pears, who created the role of Aschenbach. The importance of Britten and Pears in post-War British cultural life was enhanced by their involvement in the founding of the English Opera Group in 1946 and the Aldeburgh Festival two years later. Britten’s career as a composer was matched by his outstanding ability as a performer: he was a refined accompanist, especially in his partnership with Pears, and a fluent and authoritative conductor – his interpretations of Mozart were particularly highly esteemed. All his life Britten suffered bouts of ill health and in 1973 he underwent open-heart surgery from which he never fully recovered. He died on 4 December 1976, at the age of 63, a few months after being created a life peer – the first composer ever to receive that honour.	Benjamin Britten
Which T.V. sitcom starred Donald Sinden, Windsor Davies and Honor Blackman?	Albert Herring: Britten, Belford: Amazon.it: Musica 5.0 su 5 stelle Some notes on this work 1 ottobre 2002 Di Un cliente - Pubblicato su Amazon.com In 1947, having already plumbed the depths of relentless obsession in Peter Grimes, and the inherent tragedy of selfless love in The Rape of Lucretia, Benjamin Britten undertook his toughest operatic challenge to date: comedy. Stripped of social allegory and, arguably, any far-reaching themes, the success of Albert Herring rests entirely on the composer's ability to bring characters to life through music -- to extract from them the moments of truth that awaken in us kernels of recognition. So, while the composition of Albert Herring by no means represents an operatic tour de force, it does serve to illuminate the scope of Britten's dramatic talents. Through a veneer of caricature and Edwardian stuffiness he presents us with the most sincere of heroes, the very simplicity of whose problems makes him worthy of our affection, not to mention the composer's subtle wit and sensitivity. Albert Herring was a collaboration with Eric Crozier, who also wrote librettos for Billy Budd and the children's opera The Little Sweep, and with whom Britten and others would eventually found the English Opera Group; he took his inspiration from Guy de Maupassant's short story, Le rosier de Madame Husson (The "Rose King" of Madame Husson). The story centers around the title character, a lily-white mama's boy who, through a series of humorous twists, is selected as "Queen" of the May Festival. Selected for his purity and virtue, Albert surprises all by becoming spectacularly drunk at the festivities (on punch spiked by his good friend, Sid), and in the process learns some unexpected life lessons. Albert Herring was premiered at Glyndebourne on June 20, 1947, with Britten conducting and Peter Pears in the title role; it was the inaugural production for the Aldeburgh Festival in 1948. It has since been a popular mainstay in the repertory, especially in smaller opera houses, where the good-natured story and small orchestra (only 12 players) make it especially audience- (and budget!) friendly. As is the case with all of Britten's opera, the music oscillates freely between moments of lyricism and those of sharply inflected -- almost speech-like -- declamation. He deploys the chamber orchestra with imagination, extracting a variety of colors, textures and moods that often belies the relatively modest instrumental resources. Albert Herring is very much an ensemble opera -- somewhat like Puccini's Gianni Schicchi -- relying on the interplay of many different lines and ideas to sustain its musical interest, rather than extended moments of solo singing. Albert's "drunk" scene in the second act is perhaps the only proper aria in the whole piece. 2 di 2 persone hanno trovato utile la seguente recensione	i don't know
In mythology who was the muse of astronomy?	URANIA (Ourania) - Goddess Muse of Astronomy Heavenly One Portraits of the nine Muses, Greco-Roman mosaic from Cos, Archaeological Museum of Cos OURANIA (Urania) was one of the nine Mousai (Muses), the goddesses of music, song and dance. In the Classical era, when the Mousai were assigned specific artistic and literary spheres, Ourania was named Muse of astronomy and astronomical writings. In this guise she was depicted pointing at a celestial globe with a rod. FAMILY OF URANIA [1.1] ZEUS & MNEMOSYNE (Hesiod Theogony 75, Apollodorus 1.13, Diodorus Siculus 4.7.1, Orphic Hymn 76) OFFSPRING [1.1] LINOS (Homerica Fragments 1, Folk Songs Frag 880) [1.2] LINOS (by Amphimaros) (Pausanias 9.29.5, Suidas s.v. Linos) [1.3] LINOS (by Apollon ) (Hyginus Fabulae 161) [1.4] LINOS (by Hermes ) (Suidas s.v. Linos') [2.1] HYMENAIOS (Pindar Dirges Frag 139, Nonnus Dionysiaca 24.77 & 34.67) ENCYCLOPEDIA URA′NIA (Ourania). One of the Muses, a daughter of Zeus by Mnemosyne. (Hes. Theog. 78 ; Ov. Fast. v. 55.) The ancient bard Linus is called her son by Apollo (Hygin. Fab. 161), and Hymenaeus also is said to have been a son of Urania. (Catull. lxi. 2.) She was regarded, as her name indicates, as the Muse of Astronomy, and was represented with a celestial globe to which she points with a little staff. Source: Dictionary of Greek and Roman Biography and Mythology. CLASSICAL LITERATURE QUOTES Hesiod, Theogony 75 ff (trans. Evelyn-White) (Greek epic C8th or C7th B.C.) : "The Mousai (Muses) sang who dwell on Olympos, nine daughters begotten by great Zeus, Kleio (Clio) and Euterpe, Thaleia (Thalia), Melpomene and Terpsikhore (Terpsichore), and Erato and Polymnia (Polyhymnia) and Ourania (Urania) and Kalliope (Calliope)." Bacchylides, Fragment 3 (trans. Campbell, Vol. Greek Lyric IV) (C5th B.C.) : "[The poet] has his share in the violet-haired Mousai (Muses).The light of man's excellence, however, does not diminish with his body; no, the Mousa (Muse) fosters it. And the sweet-voiced cock [the poet] of lyre-ruling Ourania (Urania)." Bacchylides, Fragment 5 : "You if any motal now alive will rightly assess the sweet gift [poetry] of the violet-crowned Mousai (Muses) sent for your adornment: rest your righteous mind in ease from its cares and come! turn your thoughts this way: with the help of the slim-waisted Kharites your guest-friend, the famous servant of Ourania (Urania) with her golden headband, has woven a song of praise and sends it from the sacred island [Keos (Ceos)] to your distinguishing city: he wishes to pour a flood of speech from his heart in praise of Hiero." Bacchylides, Fragment 6 : "Thanks to Nike (Victory) the hymn of song-ruling Ourania (Urania) gives praise in an ode sung before your house [i.e. in honour of an athletic victor]." Bacchylides, Fragment 16 : "Since fine-throned Ourania (Urania) has sent me from Pieria [a cult centre of the Muses] a golden cargo-boat laden with glorious songs." Pseudo-Apollodorus, Bibliotheca 1. 13 (trans. Aldrich) (Greek mythographer C2nd A.D.) : "Mnemosyne [bore to Zeus] the Mousai (Muses), the eldest of whom was Kalliope (Calliope), followed by Kleio (Clio), Melpomene, Euterpe, Erato, Terpsikhore (Terpsichore), Ourania (Urania), Thaleia (Thalia), and Polymnia." Plato, Phaedrus 259 (trans. Fowler) (Greek philosopher C4th B.C.) : "When they [the grasshoppers] die they go and inform the Mousai (Muses) in heaven who honours them on earth. They win the love of Terpsikhore (Terpsichore) for the dancers by their report of them; . . . of Kalliope (Calliope) the eldest Mousa (Muse) and of Ourania (Urania) who is next to her, for the philosophers, of whose music the grasshoppers make report to them; for these are the Mousai who are chiefly concerned with heaven and thought, divine as well as human, and they have the sweetest utterance." Diodorus Siculus, Library of History 4. 7. 1 (trans. Oldfather) (Greek historian C1st B.C.) : "Hesiod even gives their [the Mousai's (Muses')] names when he writes : ‘Kleio (Clio), Euterpe, and Thaleia (Thalia), Melpomene, Terpsikhore (Terpsichore) and Erato, and Polymnia, Ourania (Urania), Kalliope (Calliope) too, of them all the most comely.’ To each of the Mousai (Muses) men assign her special aptitude for one of the branches of the liberal arts, such as poetry, song, pantomimic dancing, the round dance with music, the study of the stars, and the other liberal arts . . . For the name of each Mousa (Muse), they say, men have found a reason appropriate to her: . . . Ourania (Urania), because men who have been instructed by her she raises aloft to heaven (ouranos), for it is a fact that imagination and the power of thought lift men's souls to heavenly heights." Orphic Hymn 76 to the Muses (trans. Taylor) (Greek hymns C3rd B.C. to 2nd A.D.) : "Daughters of Mnemosyne and Zeus . . . Kleio (Clio), and Erato who charms the sight, with thee, Euterpe, ministering delight: Thalia flourishing, Polymnia famed, Melpomene from skill in music named: Terpsikhore (Terpsichore), Ourania (Urania) heavenly bright." Statius, Thebaid 8. 548 ff (trans. Mozley) (Roman epic C1st A.D.) : "Corymbus of Helicon . . . formerly the Musae's friend, to whom Uranie herself, knowing full well his Stygian destiny, had long foretold his death by the position of the stars [i.e. as the goddess presided over astrology]." URANIA & HER SONS LINUS & HYMENAEUS Homerica, Fragments of Unkown Position 1 (from Diogenes Laertius 8. 1. 26) (trans. Evelyn-White) (Greek epic B.C.) : "Ourania (Urania) bare Linos, a very lovely son : and him all men who are singers and harpers do bewail at feats and dances, and as they begin and as they end they call on Linos (Linus)." Pindar, Dirges Fragment 139 (trans. Sandys) (Greek lyric C5th B.C.) : "But in another song did three goddesses [Mousai (Muses)] lull to rest the bodies of their sons. The first of these [Terpsikhore (Terpsichore)] sang a dirge over the clear-voiced Linos (Linus) [personification of the lamentation song]; and the second [Ourania (Urania)] lamented with her latest strains Hymenaios (Hymenaeus) [personification of the wedding song], who was seized by Moira (Fate), when first he lay with another in wedlock." Greek Lyric V, Folk Songs Frag 880 (from Scholiast B on Homer's Iliad) (trans. Campbell) (Greek lyric B.C.) : "Oh Linos (Linus), honoured by the gods--for you were the first to whom the immortals gave a song for men to sing with clear voice; Phoibos (Phoebus) [Apollon] killed you in anger, but the Mousai (Muses) mourn for you." Pausanias, Description of Greece 9. 29. 5 (trans. Jones) (Greek travelogue C2nd A.D.) : "As you go along the straight road to the grove [of the Mousai (Muses) on Mount Helikon (Helicon) in Boiotia] is a portrait of Eupheme carved in relief on a stone. She was, they say, the nurse of the Mousai (Muses). So her portrait is here, and after it is Linos (Linus) on a small rock worked into the shape of a cave. To Linos every year they sacrifice as to a hero before they sacrifice to the Mousai. It is said that this Linos was a son of Ourania (Urania) and Amphimaros (Amphimarus), a son of Poseidon." Pseudo-Hyginus, Fabulae 161 (trans. Grant) (Roman mythographer C2nd A.D.) : "Sons of Apollo . . . Linus by the Musa Urania." Nonnus, Dionysiaca 24. 77 ff (trans. Rouse) (Greek epic C5th A.D.) : "[During the war of Dionysos against the Indians, the Indian River Hydaspes tried to drown the god's army :] Ourania (Urania) saved Hymenaios (Hymenaeus) from destruction, because he had the same name as her own creative son, and scored the airy paths like a moving star, to please Dionysos, her brother of the grapes." Nonnus, Dionysiaca 33. 55 ff : "Hymenaios (Hymenaeus) [in a game of cottabus against Eros] . . . put up as a prize for the victor something clever made by his haughty mother Ourania (Urania), who knew all the courses of the stars, a revolving globe like the speckled form of Argos." Suidas s.v. Linos (trans. Suda On Line) (Byzantine Greek lexicon C10th A.D.) : "Linos: Of Khalkis (Chalcis), [son] of Apollon and Terpsikhore (Terpsichore), but others [say] of Amphimaros (Amphimarus) and Ourania (Urania), others of Hermes and Ourania." ANCIENT GREEK & ROMAN ART Z20.2 Portraits of the Nine Muses Greco-Roman Cos Floor Mosaic A.D. Z20.3 Portraits of the Nine Muses Greco-Roman Trier Mosaic C3rd A.D. Z20.4 Symbols of the Nine Muses Greek Elis Floor Mosaic C1st B.C. SOURCES	Urania
Newport in Gwent stands on which river?	Muse - Ancient History Encyclopedia Muse by Mark Cartwright published on 14 December 2012 In Greek mythology , the nine Muses are goddesses of the various arts such as music, dance, and poetry and are blessed not only with wonderful artistic talents themselves but also with great beauty, grace, and allure. Their gifts of song, dance, and joy helped the gods and mankind to forget their troubles and inspired musicians and writers to reach ever greater artistic and intellectual heights. The Muses are the daughters of Zeus and the Titan Mnemosyne (Memory) after the couple slept together for nine consecutive nights. They are: Calliope, traditionally the most important (beautiful-voiced and representing epic poetry and also rhetoric), Clio (glorifying and representing history), Erato (lovely and representing singing), Euterpe (well-delighting and representing lyric poetry), Melpomene (singing and representing tragedy), Polymnia (many hymning and representing hymns to the gods and heroes), Terpsichore or Stesichore (delighting in dance), Thalia (blooming and representing comedy), Urania (heavenly and representing astronomy). Certain objects also became associated with the Muses and help to identify their particular talents. Calliope often holds a writing tablet and stylus, Clio has a scroll, Euterpe a double aulos (or flute), and Thalia a theatre mask. The Muses were believed to live on Mt. Olympus where they entertained their father and the other Olympian gods with their great artistry, but later tradition also placed them on Mt. Helicon in Boeotia where there was a major cult centre to the goddesses, or on Mt. Parnassus where the Castalian spring was a favourite destination for poets and artists. On Mount Olympus, Apollo Mousagetes was, in a certain sense, the choir leader of the Muses, although his attachment was not limited to music, as he fathered many children with his musical group. Calliope, the Muse of epic poetry, was the mother of Orpheus , the wonderfully gifted lyre player whose father was said by some to be Apollo himself. Although bringers of festivity and joy, the Muses were not to be trifled with when it came to the superiority of their artistic talents. Although bringers of festivity and joy, the Muses were not to be trifled with when it came to the superiority of their artistic talents. The nine daughters of Pierus foolishly tried to compete musically with the Muses on Mt. Helicon and were all turned into birds for their impertinence. The Thracian musician Thamyres (son of the Nymph Agriope) was another who challenged the Muses in music and after inevitably coming second best to the goddesses was punished with blindness, the loss of his musical talent, and his singing voice. This myth was also the subject of a tragedy by Sophocles . The Muses also acted as judges in another musical competition, this time between Apollo on his kithara and the satyr Marsyas , who played the aulos given to him by Athena . Naturally, Apollo won and Marsyas was flayed alive for his troubles. Remove Ads Advertisement Hesiod in his Theogony claimed that he spoke with the Muses on Mt. Helicon, and they gave him a luxuriant laurel branch and breathed into him their divine voice so that he could proclaim the glory of the gods and their descendants. Thus, the simple shepherd was transformed into one of the most important poets in history. Hesiod also states that the Muses were created as an aid to forgetfulness and relief from troubles, perhaps as a balance to their mother, who personified memory. In ancient Greece , music, and by association the Muses, were held in great esteem and music was played in homes, in theatres, during religious ceremonies, to accompany athletics, provided rhythm during military training, accompanied agricultural activities such as harvesting, and was an important element in the education of children. For example, Themistocles , the great Athenian politician and general, considered his education incomplete because he could not play the khitara. Throughout the ancient Greek world musical festivals and competitions were held in honour of the Muses and philosophical schools bore their name: the Mouseia. In art, the Muses are depicted as beautiful young women, often with wings. The Muses often appear on 5th and 4th century BCE red- and black-figure pottery , in particular in scenes with Apollo playing his kithara or representations of the Marsyas and Thamyres myths. Many statues of the Muses have been found on Delos , an important cult centre to Apollo. In addition, in the 5th century BCE, the iconography of the ideal woman in Greek art came very close to that of a Muse. Music and, therefore, also the Muses, frequently appear as a subject on lekythoi, the elegant funerary vases, which were placed in graves so that loved ones might have the pleasure of music on their journey into the next life. A celebrated representation of the Muses as a group is the three marble reliefs from a statue base, dating to c. 325-300 BCE and now housed in the National Archaeological Museum of Athens .	i don't know
Which country are the current Olympic football champions?	History of the Olympic football tournament - World Soccer World Soccer TAGS: London 2012 Olympic football tournament Steve Menary Football was a part of the Olympic Games more than two decades before FIFA organised the first World Cup. After desultory attempts in Paris in 1900 and St Louis four years later, the 1908 London Games included the first modern international football tournament. All four Home Nations were invited to take part in 1908, but only England – who were the sole British members of FIFA, itself formed just four years earlier – sent a team. But while the English FA would not tolerate payments to amateurs, in other parts of the world players were compensated for missing work to play. Non-professionals such as centre-forward Vivian Woodward of Tottenham Hotspur and goalkeeper Horace Bailey of Leicester Fosse were good enough to also represent the full international side and, led by the dashing Woodward, England swept to the 1908 Final, where they beat Denmark – who included the outstanding Nils Middelboe – 2-0 to win the gold medal. FIFA laid down clear rules on amateurism in Sweden four years later and, although the number of entrants rose to 11, England were still too strong for the rest of the field. In their semi-final they even purposely missed what Woodward felt was an unjust penalty in a 4-0 win over Finland. The Final was a re-match for Woodward and Middelboe, with England winning 4-2. The unprepared, arrogant holders were easily beaten 3-1 by Norway in the first round of the next Games, in Antwerp in 1920, where the 14 competitors included the first non-European side, Egypt. In the Final, Czechoslovakia walked off the pitch late on in the game after disagreeing with English referee John Lewis over the goal that made it 2-0 to Belgium. Scarone the star Twenty two countries entered the 1924 tournament in Paris, including the United States and Uruguay – who thrashed Yugoslavia 7-0 in the first round. Featuring the brilliant Hector Scarone, Uruguay beat Switzerland 3-0 to win gold in front of a 41,000 crowd at the Stade Olympique in Colombes, just outside the French capital. In Amsterdam four years later, another fine South American attacking force emerged in the shape of Argentina, who lost 2-1 to Uruguay in a replayed Final after the first match was drawn 1-1. Despite the continuing rows over amateurism and countries who paid players “expenses”, the popularity of football at the Olympics made the need for a separate world championship obvious. As a result, the Olympic tournament suffered when Uruguay staged and won the first World Cup – which was open to all players, amateur and professional, – in 1930. The sport was dropped from the Los Angeles Olympiad in 1932, but reintroduced four years later in Berlin, where Adolf Hitler’s Nazi regime needed big attendances to bankroll investment in new facilities. Having withdrawn from the previous three Olympic football tournaments, the British returned in 1936 with a combined squad of 13 Englishmen, five Scots and two players apiece from Wales and Northern Ireland. The 16-team competition included China, Japan, Egypt and Peru. Germany were surprisingly beaten in the quarter-finals by Norway, prompting Hitler to storm out. In a thrilling Final, Italy won 2-1 against Austria, who were coached by an Englishman, Jimmy Hogan. Led by Arsenal’s Bernard Joy – the last amateur to win a full cap for England – Great Britain were beaten 5-4 in the quarter-finals by Poland. At London in 1948, a GB side managed by Manchester United’s Matt Busby shocked a strong Holland side 4-3. They then beat France 1-0 before losing 3-1 to Yugoslavia in the semi-finals. Although a Sweden team comprising Gunnar Gren, Gunnar Nordahl and Nils Liedholm beat the Yugoslavs 3-1 in the Final, the tournament had signalled the rise of the Communist bloc, where players were nominally amateur with state jobs but played football full-time. Magical Magyars This approach helped to create the “Magical Magyars” of Hungary. A year before shattering England at Wembley in 1953, Hungary took gold in Helsinki, where a GB side under the sway of England manager Walter Winterbottom were humiliated 5-3 by Luxembourg in a preliminary game. A long trip to Melbourne and political tension in Europe reduced the entries in 1956 to 11 sides, and the Eastern Bloc provided three semi-finalists and the winners in the Soviet Union. Interest was stronger for Rome, where a combined GB team lost their opening group game 4-3 to a Brazil side featuring Gerson, before forcing a 2-2 draw with an Italy side that included Giovanni Trapattoni and Gianni Rivera. Yugoslavia won gold, beating Denmark 3-1 in the Final. Hungary took gold in 1964, when decolonisation produced a surge in entrants and 62 nations entered the qualifying competition. Four years later, when 81 countries entered the Mexico Olympics, they retained their title. British efforts petered out in the qualifiers for Munich, which featured unlikely finalists Burma and Sudan, and was won by Poland, who reached the Final again four years later in Montreal only to lose to East Germany. In 1974, the FA had finally accepted the amateur credo was an anachronism. All footballers in Britain were now simply players, and with no amateurs the Home Nations could not enter. Just 2,200 fans watched GB’s last game – a shock 1-0 qualifying win over 1970 World Cup finalists Bulgaria in 1971 – and their withdrawal barely registered. By the time of the 1980 Games, the Eastern Bloc had won six golds in a row. This did not change in Moscow, which was blighted by a United States-led boycott over the Soviet Union’s invasion of Afghanistan. After Czechoslovakia beat East Germany, FIFA and the International Olympic Committee laid down new rules, starting with the 1984 competition. Professionals could now play, but not ones from Europe or South America who had played at a World Cup finals. In one of the better tournaments, Canada were surprise quarter-finalists and unfortunate not to beat a Brazil side who lost in the Final to France and were watched by 101,000 fans in the Pasadena Rose Bowl. After the Soviet Union triumphed in Seoul, FIFA tweaked the rules to create a world under-23 championship. fNow only players of that age could feature, along with three over-age players. At Spain 1992, a host side featuring Pep Guardiola beat Poland 3-2 in front of 95,000 in the Final at Camp Nou. Nigeria triumph Four years later, the Nigeria became the first African side to win a major world tournament. After shocking Brazil in the semi-finals, they downed Hernan Crespo’s Argentina in the Final. Four years later, a Cameroon side including Samuel Eto’o beat a Spain team featuring Xavi and Carles Puyol to keep the gold in Africa. In 2004 Carlos Tevez scored eight times for Argentina, who beat Paraguay to the gold medal as South America became the dominant force. Four years later, Lionel Messi insisted that Barcelona release him for the Beijing Olympics, where Argentina retained the title in front of nearly 90,000 fans. That players of such stature would want to play in the Olympics is inconceivable in Britain – although David Beckham was keen for a last hurrah in London – but across the rest of the globe the world’s oldest international football tournament retains its allure. By Steve Menary Steve Menary is the author of GB United? British Olympic Football and the End of the Amateur Dream sahadev gupta I would like to inform u that plz make a list of starting year of football and who had won the match and who was the man of the match so you should put that in every site. pepe Brazil is the major favourite for this tournament. On the second step, Uruguay with Luis Suarez and Cavani. After the African teams can be the surprise, because of their physical condition. For europeans will be very tough. Maybe Spain can reach the semifinals, but his best player Thiago is injured, and their physical condition is not the best, they are in pre-season shape. Free Newsletter	Mexico
In what year was the Battle of Blenheim?	Olympic Football Tournament Rio 2016 - Teams - FIFA.com North, Central America and Caribbean Oceania South America Nigeria and Algeria booked their tickets to Rio with semi-final victories at December's CAF U-23 Championship in Senegal. South Africa won the play-off for third place and final Olympic spot from Africa. Japan and Korea Republic claimed Asia's first two tickets to Rio 2016 after reaching the 2016 AFC U-23 Championship final with Iraq joining them in Brazil after beating Qatar in the third place play-off. The UEFA European U-21 Championship, was held in Czech Republic between 17 and 30 June 2015. Sweden won the tournament, with Denmark, Germany and Portugal joining the victors in Rio. Mexico won the the CONCACAF Men’s Olympic Qualifying Championship, with defeated finalists Honduras joining them in Rio. The OFC Men’s Olympic Football Tournament Qualifying competition was the Pacific Games, played from 4 to 17 July 2015 in Papua New Guinea, with champions Fiji booking their ticket to Rio. The South American U-20 Championship was played in Uruguay in January/February 2015. The winner of this championship, Argentina, qualified for Rio 2016. Colombia also qualified after defeating USA in a two-legged play-off in March 2016. Qualified teams	i don't know
Who sang the theme for the Jams Bond film ‘Octopussy’?	RITA COOLIDGE ALL TIME HIGH James Bond 007 OCTOPUSSY The val doonican show 1983 - YouTube RITA COOLIDGE ALL TIME HIGH James Bond 007 OCTOPUSSY The val doonican show 1983 Want to watch this again later? Sign in to add this video to a playlist. Need to report the video? Sign in to report inappropriate content. Rating is available when the video has been rented. This feature is not available right now. Please try again later. Published on Sep 17, 2012 Clip from THE VAL DOONICAN MUSIC SHOW 1983 Featuring Rita Coolidge Performing The title track to the JAMES BOND film OCTOPUSSY. Category	Rita Coolidge
Stranraer in Scotland stands at the head of which loch?	You Only Sing 23 Times: The James Bond Theme Song Dossier \| Tor.com You Only Sing 23 Times: The James Bond Theme Song Dossier Ryan Britt Mon Nov 12, 2012 6:00pm 16 comments Bombastic, kitsch, or catchy, there’s something unique about a James Bond theme song. There are a few timeless classics, but most either represent a weird moment in the zeitgeist, or are downright embarassing. Uniquely, James Bond theme songs are often better than the films they kick off, though the reverse can occasionally be true, too. Now that Skyfall is out and we’ve all had a chance to enjoy Adele’s new theme song , it’s time to determine once and for all which 007 tunes are better than their respective films, which ones are worse, and which ones fit just right. Shake up a martini, and grab your headphones. The James Bond Theme Song Dossier is declassified! “Dr. No” (The James Bond Theme) written by Monty Norman. Performed by The John Barry Orchestra (1962) Though the Eric Rogers song “Under the Mango Tree” features heavily in this film (Bond even sings a few bars) the actual theme song for Dr. No is simply the slick famous instrumental James Bond theme, complete with horns and guitar. Every single real James Bond movie (the Peter Sellers Casino Royale and Connery’s Never Say Never Again don’t count) uses some arrangement of this theme. Does it fit with the movie? Well, really, how could it not? Dr. No is a solid and entertaining James Bond film, but by no means the best. So, in this sense its theme song is better than the movie. It’s also possible that “The James Bond Theme” is better than all the James Bond movies combined. Verdict: Theme song is better. “From Russia With Love” written by Lionel Bart, performed by Matt Monro + “007” written by John Barry and performed by the The John Barry Orchestra (1963) I love this one. Several months ago I was waiting for a train on a New York City subway platform and a man was playing an instrumental version of this on a trumpet, which is awesome because the opening sequence of the film is also an instrumental version. (People singing at the start of James Bond movies doesn’t happen until Goldfinger.) This is one of those great classic crooner songs that just gets stuck in your head and makes you feel all dizzy and romantic. Like many James Bond themes, it’s actually more tender than the characters in the movie. From Russia With Love is up there with my favorite Connery movies, and this theme song does generally fit with the film. However, I think it could have easily been a memorable movie even if it had a different theme song. But, the real cool one here is the introduction of the instrumental adventure theme “007.” This orchestral drum pounding romp is basically a chase scene in the form of strings, percussion, and brass. I love love love this. It’s more heroic than “The James Bond Theme,” and when it’s used in subsequent movies, I get chills. I’m really not sure why contemporary Bond composer David Arnold never brought it back for Dalton, Brosnan, or Craig-era films. Easily a better piece of music than the film where it originated. Verdict: “From Russia With Love” is probably as just as good as From Russia With Love. Meanwhile “007” beats them all and is perfect. “Goldfinger” written by John Barry, Anthony Newley, and Leslie Bricusse. Performed by Shirley Bassey (1964) Arguably, this is the best of all James Bond theme songs, introducing what is also arguably the best James Bond movie. Like other early films, the song also incorporates part of “The James Bond Theme” into its arrangement, making the instrumental motifs of the song throughout the movie super-nuanced. There’s no getting around how great the movie is or how great this song still sounds. It’s sexy, flashy and memorable. This is also the first time of three times Shirley Bassey is singing for Bond! If I was backed against a wall by a man with a lethal hat and forced to pick between the song and the movie, I’d probably pick the song, by a very small margin. Verdict: Theme song is better, but only just barely. “Thunderball” written by John Barry and Don Black, performed by Tom Jones + “Mr. Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang” written by John Barry and Leslie Bricusse, performed by Dionne Warwick. (1965) This one is full of all sorts of weird history. The original theme for this movie was supposed to be “Mr. Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang” but was changed at the last minute to “Thunderball.” Johnny Cash also sent these guys a song called “Thunderball” which ended up not being used. Finally, Tom Jones apparently fainted after singing the last note of “Thunderball!” Weird. After “Goldfinger” we got another Bond theme song seemingly about the bad guy, rather than about Bond. Or is it about Bond? Tom Jones is fairly cool in this one, but there’s something about Thunderball the movie and the song that aren’t quite up to par for me. (Maybe it’s because they couldn’t make their minds up.) There’s a great underwater scuba-brawl which uses “007” again, but this is definitely one where the movie is slightly better than the song. Tom Jones is right for a James Bond song, but fails to be as memorable as some of the other big artists. “Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” shows up on some Bond music compilation and is a little too tinny and silly for my tastes. James Bond movies sometimes have two legitimate theme songs, but I really don’t think “Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” should count. Verdict: The movie &amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;i&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;Thunderball&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/i&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt; is slightly better than the song &amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;ldquo;Thunderball.&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;rdquo; Verdict: Thunderball and “Thunderball” are both decent, with the movie being slightly better. “Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” is really hard to accept as being real. “You Only Live Twice” written by John Barry and Leslie Bricusse, performed by Nancy Sinatra (1967) Like many of the early Bond songs, the arrangements of the melodies are a natural fit for the film’s score. I think the opening strings in this one are totally over-the-top cheesy-wonderful. The world seems to agree with me, since covers and samples of this song are everywhere! From Bjork to Coldplay to Robbie Williams to Cee-Lo, those opening strings are part of the human musical brain. This one is a personal favorite and despite the various incarnations, I think Nancy Sinatra hits it out of the park. There’s also a stellar foot-chase sequence in where an aerial camera angle is accompanied by the orchestral version of the theme. Great movie moment. For me “You Only Live Twice” is a kooky and fun Bond movie, with a fitting saccharine theme song. But because of its deserved ubiquity, I think the song is winning. Verdict: Theme song is better! (Related viewing: the video for Robbie Williams “Millenium”which is is a full-on Connery and Moore era James Bond homage. Aston Martin! Voodoo guy! Gambling! Jet pack!) “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” Written by John Barry, performed by theJohn Barry Orchestra + “We Have All the Time in the World” Written by John Barry, performed by Louis Armstrong (1969) Oh no! The Connery era is pratically over! When Bond was rebooted with new actor George Lazenby, the opening titles were, again only instrumental. “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” is an awesome piece of music and so iconic that it was even sampled in the trailer for The Incredibles. The film itself is a little on the not very good side, though aspects are interesting. The song is certainly winning over the movie with this one. However, the other theme song for “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” is the Louie Armstrong “We Have All the Time in the World,” a love song about James Bond and Tracy, I guess. The title is also the last thing Bond says to the audience while he’s holding Tracy’s dead body in his arms. Seriously, this movie is such a downer; it almost makes me love it for being so weird. Almost. “We Have All the Time in the World” is sweet enough, but not something I ever listen to when I’m in the mood for Bond OR Louie Armstrong. Verdict: Theme song—“On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” is way better than the movie On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Although “We Have All the Time in the World” is worse than On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. “Diamonds Are Forever” Written Don Black, performed by Shirley Bassey, (1971) With Connery returning to the role of Bond, it makes sense to play it safe and go with Shirley Bassey for the song, since she previously did the best Bond song ever with “Goldfinger.” Notably, this is the only time a performer was used again (Bassey recorded three in all) to do a Bond opening theme. However, it’s less than stellar. “Diamonds Are Forever” is slow, uninteresting and has creepy themes. Sort of like the movie! This is one everyone should skip. Hearing this song always reminds me of how bored Connery looked in this movie. The song and the movie certainly need each other, but they’re both just the worst. Then-Bond producer Harry Saltzman also hated the song. Verdict: Both are terrible. “Live And Let Die” written and performed by Paul McCartney and Wings (1973) The first Bond film to feature Roger Moore was also the first to not have John Barry composing the music. This time, Beatles producer George Martin was in charge, making ex-Beatles Paul McCartney a natural choice for the theme song. I’ve always loved how Bond is talking smack about The Beatles in Goldfinger but less than 10 years later; a Beatle produces the best James Bond song since the song “Goldfinger.” As a big Beatles fan, this is never a Paul McCartney solo song I ever listen to, mostly just because it’s been a bit over-played. But I loved it as a kid. It’s great, it seems like a Bond movie, it’s really different from 60’s era stuff and the orchestral arrangements of it in the film are thrilling. Is it better than the movie it occupies? You bet. Live and Let Die is a disaster of movie. Sometimes racist, other times inappropriately slapsticky. This one is really hard to watch, even if Roger Moore’s 70’s suits look great and the alligator sequence rocks. The song will live on way beyond anyone’s knowledge of the film. Just don’t listen to that Gun N’ Roses version. Verdict: ”Live and Let Die“ is way better than Live and Let Die. “The Man With the Golden Gun” Written by John Barry and Don Black, performed by Lulu (1974) Oh the 70s. I’m so confused by you. Why were there groups singers like Lulu in the 70s? Why did she do this song? Just how much does it suck? Almost as much as the oddly creepy movie? There’s a school of thought which claims James Bond was ruined over the years by too much self-parody in the writing of the scripts. The same might very well be true of the theme songs; with “The Man With the Golden Gun” being a big culprit. Full of sex/killing innuendos, this earworm is definitely one to skip. The movie is slightly better than its theme song, but only because Christopher Lee is in it and he has three nipples. Verdict: Movie is barely better. “Nobody Does It Better” Written by Marvin Hamlisch and Carole Bayer Sager, performed by Carly Simon (from The Spy Who Loved Me, 1977) I know this is going to be hard for everyone to believe but this is easily one of my favorite songs of all time, and my secret favorite among the good James Bond theme songs. Carly Simon’s famous love letter to Bond has been covered by pretty much everyone, but the Aimee Mann version is easily the best and possibly better than the original. Of the various Bond songs which are corny love songs, this is the best. The movie isn’t bad either! Bond meets his match with agent XXX (not Vin Diesel), drives an underwater car, and shoots a dude while skiing. What more do want? It’s too bad the song is so memorable, because it would almost be a tie. But, really, this song could have gone with any Moore-era Bond movie. Verdict: Song is better. “Moonraker” written by John Barry and Hal David. Performed Shirley Bassey (1979) Not sure what they were thinking here. I suppose after a love song worked as the opening theme for The Spy Who Loved Me, the producers figured bringing back the singer of “Goldfinger” (again) was money in the bank. It’s so weird that both of these Shirley Bassey songs after “Goldfinger” are big old clunkers. She’s got a gorgeous voice and in theory this should work, but it’s just weird. Why is this corny love song at the beginning of a movie about Bond flying space ships and shooting lasers? Is this a dream? Obviously because of the aforementioned lasers and the return of Jaws, the movie Moonraker is way better than the song “Moonraker.” Verdict: Movie is better. “For Your Eyes Only” by written by Bill Conti and Michael Leeson, performed by Sheena Easton (1981) I am a huge James Bond fan, but I’m not sure I can tell you what happens in this movie. Part of me is convinced it’s not actually anything more than a series of Bond clichés strung together. Here’s the snow scene! Look, here’s Bond in the casino! Now he’s underwater! I also recall Roger Moore wearing a windbreaker and looking like someone’s lame dad throughout. The theme song however is kind of sweet and is the only Bond opening sequence to actually feature the singer singing to you! The first time a character sings the theme song in a Bond movie is “Live And Let Die” but of course the person singing isn’t Paul McCartney. The only time a singer of the theme song is also a character in a Bond movie is when Madonna appears in Die Another Day. “For Your Eyes Only” was also nominated for a Golden Globe and an Academy Award. Though I’m not crazy about the corny love-song marathon during the Roger Moore era, this one doesn’t really bug me. Though Blondie was originally going to do a song (bummer!) Sheena Easton is fantastic. There’s no question that this forgettable Bond movie is much worse than its sweet little theme song. Verdict: Song is way better, and actually kind of romantic. “All Time High” (From Octopussy) Written by John Barry and Tim Rice, performed by Rita Coolidge. (1983) Wow. This song is terrible. I remember being mortified by its crappiness even as a teenager. The Roger Moore-era is sort of at its worse in Octopussy. The saxophone outro of this song describes the crappiness of the movie and the song perfectly. Shockingly, Tim Rice wrote the lyrics to this cliché nonsense. I’d like to say Maud Adams saves this movie, but she doesn’t, no more than Tim Rice saves the song. In terms of the song/movie competition, it’s slightly close because they’re both so bad, but I’ll have to give it to the movie, if only for the audacious title. Verdict: Movie is better, I guess? “A View To A Kill” written by John Barry and Duran Duran and peformed by Duran Duran. (1985) Boom! Bond is back! In terms of charts and sales, this is still the most popular James Bond theme song, ever. That’s right, Duran Duran beat Paul McCartney! Apparently it was also Duran Duran’s idea to do a James Bond theme song, after the bassist John Taylor asserted that nobody decent ever does the theme songs. Is the movie any good? Well, it’s got Christopher Walken, Patrick Macnee, AND Grace Jones, so it’s watchable as hell. But, Roger Moore looks terrible in it and the film has a general suckiness to it. Overall, it’s super fun. However, the contest between song and movie is pretty obvious in this one. Verdict: Song is WAY better. “The Living Daylights” written by John Barry and Ah-ha, performed by A-ha (Also “If There Was a Man” by the Pretenders, 1987) After over a decade of Roger Moore as Bond, Timothy Dalton stepped into the role for what was a slightly more serious version of the famous agent. This was the last Bond film scored by John Barry, and featured an upbeat opening track by A-ha. It’s funny how the successful Bond theme songs sometimes would create a trend of other very similar types of songs. After “Nobody Does It Better” became a success, all Bond movies had saccharine love songs. After “A View To A Kill” killed it, the producers seemed to have ordered a pop-replacement in the form of “The Living Daylights.” For being a poor man’s “A View To A Kill,” “The Living Daylights” isn’t all that bad. For novelty reasons only, I sometimes prefer it to “A View To A Kill.” The movie isn’t half bad either. Though, on balance, everything here is just okay. And because the song really is a poor man’s “A View To A Kill,” and the movie has a scene in which Bond rides a cello case like a sled, the movie wins by a small margin. Oddly, this is an instance in a Bond movie where there’s randomly another song sung over the closing credits. It’s called “If There Was a Man” and it’s by The Pretenders. I guess they were trying to make a big deal out of Dalton’s debut by giving him two songs? This one doesn’t have any impact on me at all, and there was a man, but so what? Verdict: The movie is a little better. Though I really irrationally love this song. “License To Kill” written by Narada Michael Walden, Jeffrey Cohen and Walter Afanasieff. Performed by Gladys Knight and “If You Asked Me To” written and performed by Patti LaBelle. (1989) I feel like with this song the Bond franchise is splitting the difference. On the one hand this is a sort of old school love song from the Roger Moore era, but on the other hand it’s kind of got some throwbacks to “Goldfinger.” (It even uses some of the horn line from that one.) I actually quite like this song and I think there’s something slightly more romantic about it than it lets on. Like the previous Bond film, this one also has a second song sung over the end credits; the Patti LaBelle song “If You Asked Me To” which was covered by Celine Dion years later. It’s pretty obvious why Celine took it; it’s a belter of a big epic love song. Totally great. Weird that it’s in this James Bond movie. The movie is sort of just okay. Though I’m always bonkers for the “Bond goes rogue” premise, this one has a lot of third act problems which really bury the movie in a confusing mess filled with semi-trucks and missile launchers. If you have to choose between the two, I think the Gladys Knight music video is sort of genius. Verdict: The song is better and Gladys Knight looks great in a tux. “GoldenEye” written by Bono and the The Edge, performed by Tina Turner (1995) Despite some corny hacker stuff, GoldenEye holds up as being a really great Bond movie and easily remains the best of the four Pierce Brosnan outings. And the theme song is awesome! Written by Bono and The Edge of U2, this one feel like a classic era Bond song, but is somehow new and catchy every time you hear it. The opening title sequence was really hot and the music video with Tina is great. I’m sort of bummed out she’s not in the movie playing some awesome MI6 inventor or something. Not since Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome has a movie needed Tina Turner more. Further, considering how long Bond had been away, they needed some big guns like Tina. Verdict: The song is better. Come on. It’s Tina Turner. Why did it take them so long to get her to do one of these anyway? “Tomorrow Never Dies” written and performed by Sheryl Crow and “Surrender” written by k.d. lang and David Arnold and perfromed by k.d. lang. (1997) The 1990s are a weird time for James Bond movies, and the choice of Sheryl Crow for this one seems super arbitrary. I actually don’t mind Sheryl Crow at all, but this is not one of her better offerings. I mean that “Steve McQueen” song of hers is better than this. Tomorrow Never Dies the film is also a huge step backwards after GoldenEye and the feeble attempt the song is making to be catchy parallels the feeling you get from the movie: it’s just trying a little too hard. Oddly, there’s again another theme song in this movie which is much better called “Surrender”written with new Bond composer David Arnold and performed by k.d lang. This song is totally awesome, sounds like a Bond theme, and was relagated to end-credtis status by the producers. Bummer! (But here’s a fan-edit with the good k.d. lang song for the opening credits.) Verdict: The movie Tomorrow Never Dies is slightly better than the song “Tomorrow Never Dies” BUT, the k.d lang song “Surrender” is way better than Tomorrow Never Dies and “Tomorrow Never Dies.” “The World is Not Enough” written by David Arnold and Don Black, performed by Garbage. (1999) I really like this one. It’s got something really old-fashioned about it, but it also rocks. I think Garbage is great. (I mean really, who hasn’t jammed out to “I’m Only Happy When it Rains?”) The movie is sort of a mixed bag. It’s pretty hard not to be offended by the presence of Denise Richards, but the rest of the story is actually not bad. I like the way Bond gets screwed over in this one and the way M is in on the action. But, really, you could hear the song and never care about the movie one bit. Apparently David Arnold really wanted this one to sound like a John Barry-era song. It worked and Shirley Manson sounds like she’s time-traveled straight from 1963. Verdict: The song is way, way better than the movie. “Die Another Day” written and perfromed by Madonna (2002) It’s shocking no one thought to get Madonna to do a Bond theme before this one. With Die Another Day the franchise was pulling out all the stops because, at the time, it was the 40th anniversary of the Bond film franchise. In terms of a movie, I think Die Another Day is probably the worst James Bond movie of all time, if only because it’s such a cynical mess. (Though it does have a great pre-title sequence) It’s hard to believe this is the same James Bond from GoldenEye. However, I think Madonna’s theme song is a great techno-dance track and totally belongs in a James Bond movie. It’s rad. This music video in which she fights herself contains probably more James Bond references than the actual movie. It’s also sort of the best anyone could hope for in terms of being entertained by the weird medium of music videos based on songs written for movies. It should feel cynical, but it doesn’t. Verdict: The song is way better. “You Know My Name” (From Casino Royale, 2006) written by David Arnold and Chris Cornell. Performed by Chris Cornell. Initially, I wasn’t crazy about this one mostly because I couldn’t get behind Chris Cornell’s voice. But as I’ve watched Casino Royale several times since, the song has really grown on me. I think it really hits me in an early scene when Bond is driving a fork lift and the awesome orchestra version of the theme sort of blasts through. It’s a great touch. Now, obviously Casino Royale is awesome and a nearly perfect Bond movie. I can’t say enough good things about it. It’s also the most faithful to the novels, which gives it huge points in my book. Verdict: The movie is way better by virtue of being maybe the best James Bond movie ever. “Another Way to Die” (From Quantum of Solace, 2008) written by Jack White. Perfomed by Jack White and Alicia Keyes. Still loving Daniel Craig as Bond even though Quantum of Solace is totally terrible feels weird. What is even happening in this movie? I know D. Craig is supposed to be the dark, brooding Bond, but the complete lack of humor in this movie is shocking. There’s something almost depressing about the movie’s lack of thematic focus. However, the song by Jack White and Alicia Keyes is excellent. Not since Tina Turner, Bono and The Edge have the Bond songs had such talented musicans around. What a waste to use them on this odd duck of a James Bond movie. They’re the only duo in Bond song history thus far! The song is catchy and hot and this music video with them is even cooler than the Madonna ”Die Another Day“ entry. Verdict: The song is way better, if only because Jack White had the good sense to avoid using the word “quantum” in the lyrics. “Skyfall” for Skyfall (2012) Written by Adele and Paul Epworth. Performed by Adele The last time a Bond theme song was actually written and performed by someone from the U.K. was Duran Duran’s A View to a Kill. And though there’s been some quality ones since then, Adele’s “Skyfall” is absolutely beautiful. This one is a kind of crossroads between an old-school “Goldfinger” style theme (insofar as it incorporates the James Bond Theme) and a contemporary song written by a cool contemporary artist. The song is lush and gorgeous and is made all the better by the excellent title sequence. I’d heard “Skyfall” before I saw the film, but the music gave me shivers in the theatre. Adele is also the first woman to feature by herself as a vocalist since Madonna’s Die Another Day. Unlike that one, Adele’s cool song opens up an awesome James Bond movie. Verdict: The movie is really great, and the song is too. Likely they’ll be remembered together. Though, unlike “Live and Let Die” or a “A View to a Kill, “I can’t see myself putting “Skyfall” on the jukebox. Then again, Skyfall the movie isn’t exactly casual viewing. There you have it readers/listeners. The history of James Bond theme songs is long and strange. If there’s one overall pattern I’ve noticed it’s this: when the film’s composer is not writing the theme song, and instead total creative control is left to that artist, the songs tend to be better and more memorable. But, without John Barry, and now David Arnold (who also now scores Sherlock), we certainly wouldn’t know what Bond sounds like in general, meaning their influence can’t be stressed enough. Now, dear readers, tell me which theme songs you loved, which movies you thought were better than their songs and vice versa. Let’s shake things up 007 style! Ryan Britt is a staff writer for Tor.com. If you see him walking around lip-synching to his iPod, the chances of the song being “For Your Eyes Only” are really high.	i don't know
Who sang the theme for the Jams Bond film ‘The Living Daylights?	The Living Daylights (song) \| James Bond Wiki \| Fandom powered by Wikia The Living Daylights (song) The Living Daylights is the theme song of the Bond film of the same name. The song was composed by John Barry and Pål Waaktaar. It was performed by the Norwegian pop band a-ha . Lyrics Hey driver, where we're going? I swear my nerves are showing, set your hopes up way too high, the living's in the way we die. Comes the morning and the headlights fade away, hundred thousand people, I'm the one they blame, I've been waiting long for one of us to say, save the darkness, let it never fade away. Ah, ah, the living daylights, ah, ah, the living daylights. All right, hold on tight now, It's down, down to the wire, set your hopes way too high, the living's in the way we die. Comes the morning and the headlights fade away, hundred thousand changes, everything's the same, I've been waiting long for one of us to say, save the darkness, let it never fade away. Ah, ah, the living daylights, ah, ah, the living daylights, ah, ah, the living daylights. Comes the morning and the headlights fade away, hundred thousand people, I'm the one they frame. Ah, ah, the living daylights, ah, ah, the living daylights, ah, ah, the living daylights. Set your hopes up way too high, the living's in the way we die.	A-ha
‘The Endless River' due for release in October 2014 is the latest album by which veteran rock band?	Title Theme Songs From The James Bond Films Quantum Of Solace - Daniel Craig Another Way To Die - Alicia Keys & Jack White "Never Say Never": a remake of the 4th Bond Film "Thunderball" is not part of the franchise that is ENO Productions, thus not an official James Bond film. There have been 22 official films, Daniel Craig is the 6th Bond & the 1st Bond to be blonde-haired & blue-eyed. The song by Alicia Keys & Jack White (2008) is the first ever duet to be featured as a main theme. Many Thanks To the Music Contributors See also John Barry as a Feature page [ HERE ]	i don't know
Which character from Sir Walter Scott's novel ‘Marmion’ gave his name to a breed of dog?	Sir Walter Scott, by George Saintsbury. search engine by freefind Sir Walter Scott, by George Saintsbury. The Project Gutenberg EBook of Sir Walter Scott, by George Saintsbury This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org Title: Sir Walter Scott Famous Scots Series Author: George Saintsbury Release Date: August 6, 2009 [EBook #29624] Language: English Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 * START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SIR WALTER SCOTT * Produced by Susan Skinner and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net SIR The following Volumes are now ready— THOMAS CARLYLE. By Hector C. Macpherson. ALLAN RAMSAY. By Oliphant Smeaton. HUGH MILLER. By W. Keith Leask. JOHN KNOX. By A. Taylor Innes. ROBERT BURNS. By Gabriel Setoun. THE BALLADISTS. By John Geddie. RICHARD CAMERON. By Professor Herkless. SIR JAMES Y. SIMPSON. By Eve Blantyre Simpson. THOMAS CHALMERS. By Professor W. Garden Blaikie. JAMES BOSWELL. By W. Keith Leask. TOBIAS SMOLLETT. By Oliphant Smeaton. FLETCHER OF SALTOUN. By G. W. T. Omond. THE BLACKWOOD GROUP. By Sir George Douglas. NORMAN MACLEOD. By John Wellwood. SIR WALTER SCOTT. By Professor Saintsbury. SIR & FERRIER � EDINBURGH AND LONDON The designs and ornaments of this volume are by Mr. Joseph Brown, and the printing from the press of Morrison & Gibb Limited, Edinburgh. June 1897. {5} PREFACE To the very probable remark that 'Another little book about Scott is not wanted,' I can at least reply that apparently it is, inasmuch as the publishers proposed this volume to me, not I to them. And I believe that, as a matter of fact, no 'little book about Scott' has appeared since the Journal was completed, since the new and important instalment of Letters appeared (in both cases with invaluable editorial apparatus by Mr. David Douglas), and especially since Mr. Lang's Lockhart was published. It is true that no one of these, nor any other book that is likely to appear, has altered, or is likely to alter, much in a sane estimate of Sir Walter. His own matchless character and the genius of his first biographer combined to set before the world early an idea, of which it is safe to say that nothing that should lower it need be feared, and hardly anything to heighten it can be reasonably hoped. But as fresh items of illustrative detail are made public, there can be no harm in endeavouring to incorporate something of what they give us in fresh abstracts and aperçus from time to time. And for the continued and, as far as space permits, detailed criticism of the work, it may be pleaded that criticism of Scott has for many years been chiefly general, while in criticism, even more than in other things, generalities are deceptive. {7} CONTENTS CHAPTER I LIFE TILL MARRIAGE Scott's own 'autobiographic fragment,' printed in Lockhart's first volume, has made other accounts of his youth mostly superfluous, even to a day which persists in knowing better about everything and everybody than it or they knew about themselves. No one ever recorded his genealogy more minutely, with greater pride, or with a more saving sense of humour than Sir Walter. He was connected, though remotely, with gentle families on both sides. That is to say, his great-grandfather was son of the Laird of Raeburn, who was grandson of Walter Scott of Harden and the 'Flower of Yarrow.' The great-grandson, 'Beardie,' acquired that cognomen by letting his beard grow like General Dalziel, though for the exile of James II., instead of the death of Charles I.—'whilk was the waur reason,' as Sir Walter himself might have said. Beardie's second son, being more thoroughly sickened of the sea in his first voyage than Robinson Crusoe, took to farming and Whiggery, and married the daughter of Haliburton of Newmains—there was also Macdougal and Campbell blood on the spindle side of the older generations {10} of the family. Their eldest son Walter, father of Sir Walter, was born in 1729, and, being bred to the law, became the original, according to undisputed tradition, of the 'Saunders Fairford' of Redgauntlet, the most autobiographical as well as not the least charming of the novels. He married Anne Rutherford, who, through her mother, brought the blood of the Swintons of Swinton to enrich the joint strain; and from her father, a member of a family distinguished in the annals of the University of Edinburgh, may have transmitted some of the love for books which was not the most prominent feature of the other ingredients. Walter himself was the third 'permanent child' (to adopt an agreeable phrase of Mr. Traill's about another person) of a family of twelve, only five of whom survived infancy. His three brothers, John, Thomas, and Daniel, and his sister Anne, all figure in the records; but little is heard of John and not much of Anne. Thomas, the second, either had, or was thought by his indulgent brother to have, literary talents, and was at one time put up to father the novels; while Daniel (whose misconduct in money matters, and still more in showing the white feather, brought on him the only display of anything that can be called rancour recorded in Sir Walter's history) concerns us even less. The date of the novelist's birth was 15th August 1771, the place, 'the top of the College Wynd,' a locality now whelmed in the actual Chambers Street face of the present Old University buildings, and near that of Kirk of Field. Escaping the real or supposed dangers of a consumptive wet-nurse, he was at first healthy enough; but teething or something else developed the famous lameness, which at first seemed to threaten loss of all use of the right leg. The child was sent to the house of his grandfather, {11} the Whig farmer of Sandyknowe, where he abode for some years under the shadow of Smailholm Tower, reading a little, listening to Border legends a great deal, and making one long journey to London and Bath. This first blessed period of 'making himself' [1] lasted till his eighth year, and ended with a course of sea-bathing at Prestonpans, where he met the original in name and perhaps in nature of Captain Dalgetty, and the original in character of the Antiquary. Then he returned (circ. 1779) to his father's house, now in George Square, to his numerous, if impermanent, family of brothers and sisters, and to the High School. The most memorable incident of this part of his career is the famous episode of 'Greenbreeks.' [2] His health, as he grew up, becoming again weak, the boy was sent once more Borderwards—this time to Kelso, where he lived with an aunt, went to the town school, and made the acquaintance there, whether for good or ill, who shall say? of the Ballantynes. And he had to return to Kelso for the same cause, at least once during his experiences at College, where he did not take the full usual number of courses, and acquired no name as a scholar. But he always read. As it had not been decided whether he was to adopt the superior or the inferior branch of the law, he was apprenticed to his father at the age of fifteen, as a useful preparation for either career. He naturally enough did not love 'engrossing,' but he did not cross his father's soul by refusing it, and though returns of illness occurred now and then, his constitution appeared to be gradually strengthening itself, partly, as he thought, {12} owing to the habit of very long walks, in which he took great delight. He tried various accomplishments; but he could neither draw, nor make music, nor (at this time) write. Still he always read—irregularly, uncritically, but enormously, so that to this day Sir Walter's real learning is under-estimated. And he formed a very noteworthy circle of friends—William Clerk, 'Darsie Latimer,' the chief of them all. It must have been just after he entered his father's office that he met Burns, during that poet's famous visit to Edinburgh in 1786-87. Considerably less is known of his late youth and early manhood than either of his childhood or of his later life. His letters—those invaluable and unparalleled sources of biographical information—do not begin till 1792, the year of his majority, when (on July 11) he was called to the Bar. But it is a universal tradition that, in these years of apprenticeship, in more senses than one, he, partly in gratifying his own love of wandering, and partly in serving his father's business by errands to clients, etc., did more than lay the foundation of that unrivalled knowledge of Scotland, and of all classes in it, which plays so important a part in his literary work. I say 'of all classes in it,' and this point is of the greatest weight. Scott has been accused (for the most part foolishly) of paying an exaggerated respect to rank. If this had been true, it would at least not have been due to late or imperfect acquaintance with persons of rank. Democratic as the Scotland of this century has sometimes been called, it is not uncommon to find a considerable respect for aristocracy in the greatest Scotch Radicals; and Scott was notoriously not a Radical. But his familiarity with all ranks from an early age is undoubted, and only very shallow or prejudiced observers {13} will doubt the beneficial effect which this had on his study of humanity. [3] The uneasy caricature which mars Dickens's picture of the upper, and even the upper middle, classes is as much absent from his work as the complete want of familiarity with the lower which appears, for instance, in Bulwer. It is certain that before he had written anything, he was on familiar terms with many persons, both men and women, of the highest rank—the most noteworthy among his feminine correspondents being Lady Louisa Stuart (sister of the Marquis of Bute and grand-daughter of Lady Mary Wortley Montagu) and Lady Abercorn. With the former the correspondence is always on the footing of mere though close friendship, literary and other; in part at least of that with Lady Abercorn, I cannot help suspecting the presence, especially on the lady's side, of that feeling, 'Too warm for friendship and too pure for love,' which undoubtedly sometimes does exist between men and women who cannot, and perhaps who would not if they could, turn love into marriage. However this may be, it is, let it be repeated, certain that Scott, in the six years from his fifteenth, when he is said to have first visited the Highlands and seen Rob Roy's country, to his majority, and yet again in the five or six between his call to the Bar and his marriage, visited many, if not all, parts of Scotland; knew high and low, rich and poor, with the amiable interest of his temperament and the keen observation of his genius; took part in business and amusement and conviviality (he accuses {14} himself later of having been not quite free from the prevalent peccadillo of rather deep drinking); and still and always read. He joined the 'Speculative Society' in January 1791, and, besides taking part in the debates on general subjects, read papers on Feudalism, Ossian, and Northern Mythology, in what were to be his more special lines. His young lawyer friends called him 'Colonel Grogg,' a sobriquet not difficult to interpret on one of the hints just given, and 'Duns Scotus,' which concerns the other; while yet a third characteristic, which can surprise nobody, is indicated in the famous introduction of him to a boisterous party of midshipmen of the Marryat type by James Clerk, the brother of Darsie Latimer, who kept a yacht, and was fond of the sea: 'You may take Mr. Scott for a poor lamiter, gentlemen, but he is the first to begin a row and the last to end it.' It appears that it was from a time somewhat before the call that the beginning of Scott's famous, his unfortunate, and (it has been the fashion, rightly or wrongly, to add) his only love affair dates. Some persons have taken the trouble to piece together and eke out the references to 'Green Mantle,' otherwise Miss Stuart of Belches, later Lady Forbes. It is better to respect Scott's own reticence on a subject of which very little is really known, and of which he, like most gentlemen, preferred to say little or nothing. The affection appears to have been mutual; but the lady was probably not very eager to incur family displeasure by making a match decidedly below her in rank, and, at that time, distinctly imprudent in point of fortune. But the courtship, such as it was, appears to have been long, and the effects of the loss indelible. Scott speaks of his heart as 'handsomely pieced'—'pieced,' it may be observed, not 'healed.' {15} A healed wound sometimes does not show; a pieced garment or article of furniture reminds us of the piecing till the day when it goes to fire or dustbin. But it has been supposed, with some reason, that those heroines of Scott's who show most touch of personal sympathy—Catherine Seyton, Die Vernon, Lilias Redgauntlet—bear features, physical or mental or both, of this Astarte, this 'Lost woman of his youth, yet unpossessed.' And no one can read the Diary without perceiving the strange bitter-sweet, at the moment of his greatest calamity, of the fact that Sir William Forbes, who rendered him invaluable service at his greatest need, was his successful rival thirty years before, and the widower of 'Green Mantle.' This affair came to an end in October 1796; and it may astonish some wise people, accustomed to regard Scott as a rather humdrum and prosaic person, who escaped the scandals so often associated with the memory of men of letters from sheer want of temptation, to hear that one of his most intimate friends of his own age at the time 'shuddered at the violence of his most irritable and ungovernable mind.' There is no reason to doubt the fidelity of this description. And those who know something of human nature will be disposed to assign the disappearance of the irritableness and ungovernableness precisely to this incident, and to the working of a strong mind, confronted by fate with the question whether it was to be the victim or the master of its own passions, fighting out the battle once for all, and thenceforward keeping its house armed against them, it may be with some loss, but certainly with much gain. {16} It has been said that he states (with a touch of irony, no doubt) that his heart was 'handsomely pieced'; and it is not against the theory hinted in the foregoing paragraph, but, on the contrary, in favour of it, that the piecing did not take long. In exactly a year Scott became engaged to Miss Charlotte Margaret Carpenter or Charpentier, [4] and they were married on Christmas Eve, 1797, at St. Mary's, Carlisle. They had met at Gilsland Spa in the previous July, and the courtship had not taken very long. The lady was of French extraction, had an only brother in the service of the East India Company, and, being an orphan, was the ward of the Marquis of Downshire,—circumstances on which gossips like Hogg made impertinent remarks. It is fair, however, to 'the Shepherd' to say that he speaks enthusiastically both of Mrs. Scott's appearance ('one of the most beautiful and handsome creatures I ever saw in my life'; 'a perfect beauty') and of her character ('she is cradled in my remembrance, and ever shall be, as a sweet, kind, and affectionate creature'). [5] She was very dark, small, with hair which the Shepherd calls black, Lockhart dark brown; her features not regular, but her complexion, figure, and so forth 'unusually attractive.' Not very much is said about her in any of the authentic accounts, and traditional tittle-tattle may be neglected. She does not seem to have been extremely wise, and was entirely unliterary; but neither of these defects is a causa redhibitionis in marriage; and she was certainly a faithful and affectionate wife. At any rate, Scott made {17} no complaints, if he had any to make, and nearly the most touching passage in the Diary is that written after her death. The minor incidents, not literary, of his life, between his call to the Bar and his marriage, require a little notice, for they had a very great influence on the character of his future work. His success at the Bar was moderate, but his fees increased steadily if slowly. He defended (unsuccessfully) a Galloway minister who was accused among other counts of 'toying with a sweetie-wife,' and it is interesting to find in his defence some casuistry about ebrius and ebriosus, which reminds one of the Baron of Bradwardine. He took part victoriously in a series of battles with sticks, between Loyalist advocates and writers and Irish Jacobin medical students, in the pit of the Edinburgh theatre during April 1794. In June 1795 he became a curator of the Advocates' Library, and a year later engaged (of course on the loyal side) in another great political 'row,' this time in the streets. Above all, in the spring and summer between the loss of his love and his marriage, he engaged eagerly in volunteering, becoming quartermaster, paymaster, secretary, and captain in the Edinburgh Light Horse—an occupation which has left at least as much impression on his work as Gibbon's equally famous connection with the Hampshire Militia on his. His friendships continued and multiplied; and he began with the sisters of some of his friends, especially Miss Cranstoun (his chief confidante in the 'Green Mantle' business) and Miss Erskine, the first, or the first known to us, of those interesting correspondences with ladies which show him perhaps at his very best. For in them he plays neither jack-pudding, nor coxcomb, nor sentimentalist, nor any of the involuntary {18} counterparts which men in such cases are too apt to play; and they form not the least of his titles to the great name of gentleman. But by far the most important contribution of these six or seven years to his 'making' was the further acquaintance with the scenery, and customs, and traditions, and dialects, and local history of his own country, which his greater independence, enlarged circle of friends, and somewhat increased means enabled him to acquire. It is quite true that to a man with his gifts any microcosm will do for a macrocosm in miniature. I have heard in conversation (I forget whether it is in any of the books) that he picked up the word 'whomled' (= 'bucketed over'—'turned like a tub'), which adds so much to the description of the nautical misfortune of Claud Halcro and Triptolemus in The Pirate, by overhearing it from a scold in the Grassmarket. But still the enlarged experience could not but be of the utmost value. It was during these years that he saw Glamis Castle in its unspoiled state, during these that, in connection with the case of the unfortunate but rather happily named devotee of Bacchus and Venus, M'Naught, he explored Galloway, and obtained the decorations and scenery, if not the story, of Guy Mannering. He also repeated his visits to the English side of the Border, not merely on the occasion during which he met Miss Carpenter, but earlier, in a second excursion to Northumberland. But, above all, these were the years of his famous 'raids' into Liddesdale, then one of the most inaccessible districts of Scotland, under the guidance of Mr. Shortreed of Jedburgh—raids which completed the information for Guy Mannering, which gave him much of the material for the Minstrelsy, and the history of which has, I think, {19} delighted every one of his readers and biographers, except one or two who have been scandalised at the exquisite story of the Arrival of the Keg. [6] Of these let us not speak, but, regarding them with a tender pity not unmixed with wonder, pass to the beginnings of his actual literary life and to the history of his early married years. The literature a little preceded the life; but the life certainly determined the growth of the literature. CHAPTER II EARLY LITERARY WORK It is pretty universally known, and must have been perceived even from the foregoing summary, that Scott was by no means a very precocious writer. He takes rank, indeed, neither with those who, according to a famous phrase, 'break out threescore thousand strong' in youth; nor with those who begin original composition betimes, and by degrees arrive at excellence; nor yet with those who do not display any aptitude for letters till late in life. His class—a fourth, which, at least as regards the greater names of literature, is perhaps the smallest of all—comprises those who may almost be said to drift into literary work and literary fame, whose first production is not merely tentative and unoriginal, but, so to speak, accidental, who do not discover their real faculty for literary work till after a pretty long course of casual literary play. Part of this was no doubt due to the fact—vouched for sufficiently, and sufficiently probable, though not, so far as I know, resting on any distinct and firsthand documentary evidence—that Walter Scott the elder had, even more than his eidolon the elder Fairford, that horror of literary employment on the part of his son which was for generations a tradition among persons of business, and which is perhaps not quite extinct yet. {21} For this opposition, as is well known, rather stimulates than checks, even in dutiful offspring, the noble rage. It was due partly, perhaps, to a metaphysical cause—the fact that until Scott was well past his twentieth year, the wind of the spirit was not yet blowing, that the new poetical and literary day had not yet dawned; and partly to a more commonplace reason or set of reasons. About 1790 literary work was extremely badly paid; [7] and, even if it had been paid better, Scott had no particular need of money. Till his marriage he lived at home, spent his holidays with friends, or on tours where the expenses were little or nothing, and obtained sufficient pocket-money, first by copying while he was still apprenticed to his father, then by his fees when he was called. He could, as he showed later, spend money royally when he had it or thought he had it; but he was a man of no extravagant tastes of the ordinary kind, and Edinburgh was not in his days at all an extravagant place of living. Even when he married, he was by no means badly off. His wife, though not exactly an heiress, had means which had been estimated at five hundred a year, and which seem never to have fallen below two hundred; Scott's fees averaged about another two hundred; he evidently had an allowance from his father (who had been very well off, and was still not poor), and before very long the Sheriffship of Selkirkshire added three hundred more, though he seems to have made this an excuse for giving up practice, which he had never much liked. His father's death in {22} 1799 put him in possession of some property; legacies from relations added more. Before the publication of the Lay (when he was barely three-and-thirty), Lockhart estimates his income, leaving fees and literary work out of the question, at nearly if not quite a thousand a year; and a thousand a year at the beginning of the century went as far as fifteen hundred, if not two thousand, at its close. Thus, with no necessity to live by his pen, with no immediate or extraordinary temptation to use it for gain, and as yet, it would seem, with no overmastering inducement from his genius to do so, while he at no time of his life felt any stimulus from vanity, it is not surprising that it was long before Scott began to write in earnest. A few childish verse translations and exercises of his neither encourage nor forbid any particular expectations of literature from him; they are neither better nor worse than those of hundreds, probably thousands, of boys every year. His first published performance, now of extreme rarity, and not, of course, produced with any literary object, was his Latin call-thesis on the rather curious subject (which has been, not improbably, supposed to be connected with his German studies and the terror-literature of the last decade of the century) of the disposal of the dead bodies of legally executed persons. His first English work was directly the result of the said German studies, to which, like many of his contemporaries, he had been attracted by fashion. It consisted of nothing more than the well-known translations of Bürger's Lenore and Wild Huntsman, which were issued in a little quarto volume by Manners & Miller of Edinburgh, in October 1796—a date which has the special interest of suggesting that Scott sought some refuge in literature from the agony of his rejection by Miss Stuart. {23} These well-known translations, or rather imitations, the first published under the title of William and Helen, which it retains, the other as The Chase, which was subsequently altered to the better and more literal rendering, show unmistakably the result of the study of ballads, both in the printed forms and as orally delivered. Some crudities of rhyme and expression are said to have been corrected at the instance of one of Scott's (at this time rather numerous) Egerias, the beautiful wife of his kinsman, Scott of Harden, a young lady partly of German extraction, but of the best English breeding. Slight books of the kind, even translations, made a great deal more mark sometimes in those days than they would in these; but there were a great many translations of Lenore about, and except by Scott's friends, little notice was taken of the volume. There were some excuses for the neglect, the best perhaps being that English criticism at the time was at nearly as low an ebb as English poetry. A really acute critic could hardly have mistaken the difference between Scott's verse and the fustian or tinsel of the Della Cruscans, the frigid rhetoric of Darwin, or the drivel of Hayley. Only Southey had as yet written ballad verses with equal vigour and facility; and, I think, he had not yet published any of them. It is Scott who tells us that he borrowed 'Tramp, tramp, along the land they rode, Splash, splash, along the sea,' from Taylor of Norwich; but Taylor himself had the good taste to see how much it was improved by the completion— 'The scourge is red, the spur drops blood, The fashing pebbles flee'— {24} which last line, indeed, Coleridge himself hardly bettered in the not yet written Ancient Mariner, the ne plus ultra of the style. It must be mainly a question of individual taste whether the sixes and eights of the Lenore version or the continued eights of the Huntsman please most. But any one who knows what the present state of British poetry was in October 1796 will be more than indifferently well satisfied with either. It was never Scott's way to be cast down at the failure or the neglect of any of his work; nor does he seem to have been ever actuated by the more masculine but perhaps equally childish determination to 'do it again' and 'shame the fools.' It seems quite on the cards that he might have calmly acquiesced in want of notoriety, and have continued a mere literary lawyer, with a pretty turn or verse and a great amount of reading, if his most intimate friend, William Erskine, had not met 'Monk' Lewis in London, and found him anxious for contributions to his Tales of Wonder. Lewis was a coxcomb, a fribble, and the least bit in the world of a snob: his Monk is not very clean fustian, and most of his other work rubbish. But he was, though not according to knowledge, a sincere Romantic; he had no petty jealousy in matters literary; and, above all, he had, as Scott recognised, but as has not been always recognised since, a really remarkable and then novel command of flowing but fairly strict lyrical measures, the very things needed to thaw the frost of the eighteenth-century couplet. Erskine offered, and Lewis gladly accepted, contributions from Scott, and though Tales of Wonder were much delayed, and did not appear till 1801, the project directly caused the production of Scott's first original work in ballad, Glenfinlas and The Eve of St. {25} John, as well as the less important pieces of the Fire King, Frederick and Alice, etc. In Glenfinlas and The Eve the real Scott first shows, and the better of the two is the second. It is not merely that, though Scott had a great liking for and much proficiency in 'eights,' that metre is never so effective for ballad purposes as eights and sixes; nor that, as Lockhart admits, Glenfinlas exhibits a Germanisation which is at the same time an adulteration; nor even that, well as Scott knew the Perthshire Highlands, they could not appeal to him with the same subtle intimacy of touch as that possessed by the ruined tower where, as a half-paralysed infant, he had been herded with the lambs. But all these causes together, and others, join to produce a freer effect in The Eve. The eighteenth century is farther off; the genuine mediæval inspiration is nearer. And it is especially noticeable that, as in most of the early performances of the great poetical periods, an alteration of metrical etiquette (as we may call it) plays a great part. Scott had not yet heard that recitation of Christabel which had so great an effect on his work, and through it on the work of others. But he had mastered for himself, and by study of the originals, the secret of the Christabel metre, that is to say, the wide licence of equivalence in trisyllabic and dissyllabic feet, [8] of metre catalectic or not, as need was, of anacrusis and the rest. As is natural to a novice, he rather exaggerates his liberties, especially in the cases where the internal rhyme seduces him. It is necessary not merely to slur, but to gabble, in order to get some of these into proper rhythm, while in other places the mistake is made of using so {26} many anapæsts that the metre becomes, not as it should be, iambic, with anapæsts for variation, but anapæstic without even a single iamb. But these are 'sma' sums, sma' sums,' as saith his own Bailie Jarvie, and on the whole the required effect of vigour and variety, of narrative giving place to terror and terror to narrative is capitally achieved. Above all, in neither piece, in the less no more than in the more successful, do we find anything of what the poet has so well characterised in one of his early reviews as the 'spurious style of tawdry and affected simplicity which trickles through the legendary ditties' of the eighteenth century. 'The hunt is up' in earnest; and we are chasing the tall deer in the open hills, not coursing rabbits with toy terriers on a bowling-green. The writing of these pieces had, however, been preceded by the publication of Scott's second volume, the translation of Goetz von Berlichingen, for which Lewis had arranged with a London bookseller, so that this time the author was not defrauded of his hire. He received twenty-five guineas, and was to have as much more for a second edition, which the short date of copyright forestalled. The book appeared in February 1799, and received more attention than the ballads, though, as Lockhart saw, it was in fact belated, the brief English interest in German Sturm und Drang having ceased directly, though indirectly it gave Byron much of his hold on the public a dozen years later. At about the same time Scott executed, but did not publish, an original, or partly original, dramatic work of the same kind, The House of Aspen, which he contributed thirty years later to The Keepsake. Few good words have ever been said for this, and perhaps not many persons have ever cared much for the Goetz, either in the original or in {27} the translation. Goethe did not, in drama at least, understand adventurous matter, and Scott had no grasp of dramatic form. [9] It has been said that there was considerable delay in the publication of the Tales of Wonder; and some have discussed what direct influence this delay had on Scott's further and further advance into the waters of literature. It is certain that he at one time thought of publishing his contributions independently, and that he did actually print a few copies of them privately; and it is extremely probable that his little experiments in publication, mere hors-d'œuvre as they were, had whetted his appetite. Even the accident of his friend Ballantyne's having taken to publishing a newspaper, and having room at his press for what I believe printers profanely call 'job-work,' may not have been without influence. What is certain is that the project of editing a few Border ballads—a selection of his collection which might make 'a neat little volume of four or five shillings'—was formed roughly in the late autumn of 1799, and had taken very definite shape by April 1800. Heber, the great bibliophile and brother of the Bishop, introduced Scott to that curious person Leyden, whose gifts, both original {28} and erudite, are undoubted, although perhaps his exile and early death have not hurt their fame. And it so happened that Leyden was both an amateur of old ballads and (for the two things went together then, though they are sternly kept apart now) a skilful fabricator of new. The impetuous Borderer pooh-poohed a 'thin thing' such as a four or five shilling book, and Scott, nothing loath, extended his project. Most of his spare time during 1800 and 1801 was spent on it; and besides corresponding with the man who 'fished this murex up,' Bishop Percy, he entered into literary relations with Joseph Ritson. Even Ritson's waspish character seems to have been softened by Scott's courtesy, and perhaps even more by the joint facts that he had as yet attained no literary reputation, and neither at this nor at any other time gave himself literary airs. He also made the acquaintance of George Ellis, who became a warm and intimate friend. These were the three men of the day who, since Warton's death, knew most of early English poetry, and though Percy was too old to help, the others were not. The scheme grew and grew, especially by the inclusion in it of the publication not merely of ballads, but of the romance of Sir Tristrem (of the authorship of which by someone else than Thomas the Rhymer, Scott never would be convinced), till the neat four or five shilling volume was quite out of the question. When at last the two volumes of the first (Kelso) edition appeared in 1802, not merely was Sir Tristrem omitted, but much else which, still without 'the knight who fought for England,' subsequently appeared in a third. The earliest form of the Minstrelsy of the Scottish Border is a very pretty book; it deservedly established the fame of Ballantyne as a printer, and as it was not printed in {29} the huge numbers which have reduced the money value of Sir Walter's later books, it is rather surprising that it is not more sought after than it is at present. My copy—I do not know whether by exception or not—wears the rather unusual livery of pink boards instead of the common blue, grey, or drab. The paper and type are excellent; the printing (with a few slips in the Latin quotations such as concedunt for comedunt) is very accurate, and the frontispiece, a view of Hermitage Castle in the rain, has the interest of presenting what is said to have been a very faithful view of the actual state of Lord Soulis' stronghold and the place of the martyrdom of Ramsay, attained by the curious stages of (1) a drawing by Scott, who could not draw at all; (2) a rifacimento by Clerk, who had never seen the place; and (3) an engraving by an artist who was equally innocent of local knowledge. The book, however, which brought in the modest profit of rather less than eighty pounds, would have been of equal moment under whatever guise it had pleased to assume. The shock of Percy's Reliques was renewed, and in a far more favourable atmosphere, before a far better prepared audience. The public indeed had not yet been 'ground-baited' up to the consummation of thousands of copies of poetry as they were later by Scott himself and Byron; but an edition of eight hundred copies went off in the course of the year, and a second, with the additional volume, was at once called for. It contained, indeed, not much original verse, though 'Glenfinlas' and 'The Eve,' with Leyden's 'Cout of Keeldar,' 'Lord Soulis,' etc., appeared in it after a fashion which Percy had set and Evans had continued. But the ballads, familiar as they have become since, not merely in the Minstrelsy itself, but in a hundred fresh collections, {30} selections, and what not, could never be mistaken by anyone fitted to appreciate them. 'The Outlaw Murray,' with its rub-a-dub of e rhymes throughout, opens the book very cunningly, with something not of the best, but good enough to excite expectation,—an expectation surely not to be disappointed by the immortal agony (dashed with one stroke of magnificent wrath) of 'Helen of Kirkconnell,' the bustle, frolic, and battle-joy of the Border pieces proper, the solemn notes of 'The Lyke-Wake Dirge,' the eeriness of 'Clerk Saunders' and 'The Wife of Usher's Well.' Even Percy had not been lucky enough to hit upon anything so characteristic of the average ballad style at its best as the opening stanza of 'Fause Foodrage'— 'King Easter courted her for her lands, King Wester for her fee, King Honour for her comely face And for her fair bodie'; and Percy would no doubt have been tempted to 'polish' such more than average touches as Margaret's 'turning,' without waking, in the arms of her lover as he receives his deathblow, or as the incomparable stanza in 'The Wife of Usher's Well' which tells how— 'By the gates of Paradise That birk grew fair enough.' Those who study literature in what they are pleased to call a scientific manner have, as was to be expected, found fault (mildly or not, according to their degree of sense and taste) with Scott, for the manner in which he edited these ballads. It may be admitted that the practice of mixing imitations with originals is a questionable {31} one; and that in some other cases, Scott, though he was far from the illegitimate and tasteless fashion of alteration, of which in their different ways Allan Ramsay and Percy himself had set the example, was not always up to the highest lights on this subject of editorial faithfulness. It must, for instance, seem odd to the least pedantic nowadays that he should have thought proper to print Dryden's Virgil with Dr. Somebody's pedantic improvements instead of Dryden's own text. But the case of the ballads is very different. Here, it must be remembered, there is no authentic original at all. Even in the rare cases, where very early printed or MS. copies exist, we not only do not know that these are the originals, we have every reasonable reason for being pretty certain that they are not. In the case of ballads taken down from repetition, we know as a matter of certainty that, according to the ordinary laws of human nature, the reciter has altered the text which he or she heard, that that text was in its day and way altered by someone else, and so on almost ad infinitum. 'Mrs. Brown's version,' therefore, or Mr. Smith's, or Mr. Anybody's, has absolutely no claims to sacrosanctity. It is well, no doubt, that all such versions should be collected by someone (as in this case by Professor Child) who has the means, the time, and the patience. But for the purposes of reading, for the purposes of poetic enjoyment, such a collection is nearly valueless. We must have it for reference, of course; nobody grudges the guineas he has spent for the best part of the last twenty years on Professor Child's stately, if rather cumbrous, volumes. But who can read a dozen versions, say, of 'The Queen's Marie' with any pleasure? What is exquisite in one is watered, messed, spoiled by the others. {32} Therefore I shall maintain that though the most excellent way of all might have been to record his alterations, and the original, in an appendix-dustbin of apparatus criticus, Scott was right, and trebly right, in such dealing as that with the first stanza of 'Fause Foodrage,' which I have quoted and praised. That stanza, as it stands above, does not occur in any of the extant quasi-originals. 'Mrs. Brown's MS.,' from which, as Professor Child says, with almost silent reproach, Scott took his text, 'with some forty small changes,' reads— 'King Easter has courted her for her gowd, King Wester for her fee, King Honour for her lands sae braid, And for her fair bodie.' Now this is clearly wrong. Either 'gowd' or 'lands' is a mere repetition of 'fee,' and if not, [10] the reading does not point any ethical antithesis between Kings Easter and Wester and their more chivalrous rival. As it happens, there are two other versions, shorter and less dramatic, but one of them distinctly giving, the other implying, the sense of Scott's alteration. Therefore I say that Scott was fully justified in adjusting the one text that he did print, especially as he did it in his own right way, and not in the wrong one of Percy and Mickle. There is here no Bentleian impertinence, no gratuitous meddling with the at least possibly genuine text of a known and definite author. The editor simply picks out of the mud, and wipes clean, something precious, which has been defaced by bad usage, and has become masterless. The third volume of the Minstrelsy was pretty speedily got ready, with more matter; and Sir Tristrem (which is in a way a fourth) was not very long in following. This last part contained a tour de force in the shape of a completion of the missing part by Scott himself, a completion which, of course, shocks philologists, but which was certainly never written for them, and possesses its own value for others. Not the least part of the interest of the Minstrelsy itself was the editor's appearance as a prose-writer. Percy had started, and others down to Ritson had continued, the practice of interspersing verse collections with dissertations in prose; and while the first volume of the Minstrelsy contained a long general introduction of more than a hundred pages, and most of the ballads had separate prefaces of more or less length, the preface to 'Young Tamlane' turned itself into a disquisition on fairy lore, which, being printed in small type, is probably not much shorter than the general introduction. In these pieces (the Fairy essay is said to be based on information partly furnished by Leyden) all the well-known characteristics of Scott's prose style appear—its occasional incorrectness, from the strictly scholastic point of view, as well as its far more than counterbalancing merits of vivid presentation, of arrangement, not orderly in appearance but curiously effective in result, of multifarious facts and reading, of the bold pictorial vigour of its narrative, of its pleasant humour, and its incessant variety. Nor was this the only opportunity for exercising himself in the medium which, even more than verse, was to be his, that the earliest years of the century afforded to Scott. The Edinburgh Review, as everybody knows, was started in 1802. Although its politics were not {34} Scott's, they were for some years much less violently put forward and exclusively enforced than was the case later; indeed, the Whig Review started with much the same ostensible policy as the Whig Deliverer a century before, the policy, at least in declared intention, of using both parties as far as might be for the public good. The attempt, if made bona fide, was not more successful in one case than in the other; but it at least permitted Tories to enlist under the blue-and-yellow banner. The standard-bearer, Jeffrey, moreover, was a very old, an intimate, and a never-quite-to-be-divorced friend of Scott's. At a later period, Scott's contributions to periodicals attained an excellence which has been obscured by the fame of the poems and novels together, even more unjustly than the poems have been obscured by the novels alone. His reviews at this time on Southey's Amadis, on Godwin's Chaucer, on Ellis's Specimens, etc., are a little crude and amateurish, especially in the direction (well known, to those who have ever had to do with editing, as a besetting sin of novices) of substituting a mere account of the book, with a few expressions of like and dislike, for a grasped and reasoned criticism of it. But this is far less peculiar to them than those who have not read the early numbers of the great reviews may suppose. The fact is that Jeffrey himself, Sydney Smith, Scott, and others were only feeling for the principles and practice of reviewing, as they themselves later, and the brilliant second generation of Carlyle and Macaulay, De Quincey and Lockhart, were to carry it out. Perhaps the very best specimens of Scott's powers in this direction are the prefaces which he contributed much later and gratuitously to John Ballantyne's Novelists' Library—things which hardly yield to Johnson's Lives as examples of the combined {35} arts of criticism and biography. At the time of which we speak he was 'making himself' in this direction as in others. I hope that Jeffrey and not he was responsible for a fling at Mary Woollstonecraft in the Godwin article, which would have been ungenerous in any case, and which in this was unpardonable. But there is nothing else to object to, and the Amadis review in particular is a very interesting one. We must now look back a little, so as to give a brief sketch of Scott's domestic life, from his marriage until the publication of The Lay of the Last Minstrel, which, with that of Waverley and the crash of 1825-26, supplies the three turning-points of his career. After a very brief sojourn in lodgings (where the landlady was shocked at Mrs. Scott's habit of sitting constantly in her drawing-room), the young couple took up their abode in South Castle Street. Hence, not very long afterwards, they moved to the house—the famous No. 39—in the northern division of the same street, which continued to be her home for the rest of her Edinburgh life, and Scott's so long as he could afford a house in Edinburgh. Their first child was born on the 14th of October 1798, but did not live many hours. As was (and for the matter of that is) much more customary with Edinburgh residents, even of moderate means, than it has been for at least a century with Londoners, Scott, while his own income was still very modest, took a cottage at Lasswade in the neighbourhood. Here he lived during the summer for years; and in March 1799 he and his wife went to London, for the first time in his case since he had been almost a baby. His father died during this visit, after a painful breakdown, which is said to have suggested the touching particulars of the deathbed of Chrystal Croftangry's benefactor (not 'the elder Croftangry,' {36} as is said in a letter quoted by Lockhart), and was repeated to some extent in Scott's own case. His appointment to the Sheriff[depute]ship of Selkirkshire was made in December 1799, and gave, for light work, three hundred a year. It need not have interfered with even an active practice at the Bar had such fallen to him, and at first did not impose on him even a partial residence. The Lord-Lieutenant, however, Lord Napier of Ettrick, insisted on this, and though Scott rather resented a strictness which seems not to have been universal, he had to comply. He did not, however, do so at once, and during the last year of the century and its two successors, Lasswade and Castle Street were Scott's habitats, with various radiations; while in the spring of 1803 he and Mrs. Scott repeated their visit to London and extended it to Oxford. It is not surprising to read his confession in sad days, a quarter of a century later, of the 'ecstatic feeling' with which he first saw this, the place in all the island which was his spiritual home. The same year saw the alarm of invasion which followed the resumption of hostilities after the armistice of Amiens; and Scott's attention to his quartermastership, which he still held, seems to have given Lord Napier the idea that he was devoting himself, not only tam Marti quam Mercurio, but to Mars rather at Mercury's expense. [11] Scott, however, was never fond of being dictated to, and he and his wife were still at Lasswade when the Wordsworths visited them in the autumn, though Scott accompanied them to his sheriffdom on their way back to Westmoreland. He had not yet wholly given up {37} practice, and though its rewards were not munificent, they reached about this time, it would seem, their maximum sum of £218, which, in the days of his fairy-money, he must often have earned by a single morning's work. Lord Napier, by no means improperly (for it was a legal requirement, though often evaded, that four months' residence per annum should be observed), persisted; and Scott, after a pleasing but impracticable dream of taking up his summer residence in the Tower of Harden itself, which was offered to him, took a lease of Ashestiel, a pleasant country house,—'a decent farmhouse,' he calls it, in his usual way,—the owner of which was his relation, and absent in India. The place was not far from Selkirk, on the banks of the Tweed and in the centre of the Buccleuch country. He seems to have settled there by the end of July 1804. The family, after leaving it for the late autumn session in Edinburgh, returned at Christmas, by which time The Lay of the Last Minstrel, though not actually published, was printed and ready. It was issued in the first week of the new year 1805, being, except Wordsworth's and Coleridge's, the first book published, which was distinctly and originally characteristic of the new poetry of the nineteenth century. {38} CHAPTER III THE VERSE ROMANCES Although Scott was hard upon his thirty-fifth year when the Lay appeared, and although he had already a considerable literary reputation in Edinburgh, and some in London, the amount of his original publications was then but small. Indeed, on the austere principles of those who deny 'originality' to such things as reviews, or as the essays in the Minstrelsy, it must be limited to a mere handful, though of very pleasant delights, the half-dozen of ballads made up by 'Glenfinlas,' 'The Eve of St. John,' the rather inferior 'Fire King,' the beautiful 'Cadzow Castle' (not yet mentioned, but containing some of its author's most charming topic lines), the fragment of 'The Grey Brother,' and a few minor pieces. With the Lay he took an entirely different position. The mere bulk of the poem was considerable; and, putting for the instant entirely out of question its peculiarities of subject, metre, and general treatment, it was a daring innovation in point of class. The eighteenth century had, even under its own laws and conditions, distinctly eschewed long narrative poems, the unreadable epics of Glover, for instance, belonging to that class of exception which really does prove the rule. Pope's Rape had been burlesque, and his Dunciad, satire; hardly the ghost of a narrative had appeared in Thomson and {39} Young; Shenstone, Collins, Gray, had nothing de longue haleine; the entire poetical works of Goldsmith probably do not exceed in length a canto of the Lay; Cowper had never attempted narrative; Crabbe was resting on the early laurels of his brief Village, etc., and had not begun his tales. Thalaba, indeed, had been published, and no doubt was not without effect on Scott himself; but it was not popular, and the author was still under the sway of the craze against rhyme. To all intents and purposes the poet was addressing the public, in a work combining the attractions of fiction with the attractions of verse at considerable length, for the first time since Dryden had done so in his Fables, a hundred and five years before. And though the mastery of the method might be less, the stories were original, they were continuous, and they displayed an entirely new gust and seasoning both of subject and of style. There can be no doubt at all, for those who put metre in its proper place, that a very large, perhaps the much larger, part of the appeal of the Lay was metrical. The public was sick of the couplet—had indeed been sickened twice over, if the abortive revolt of Gray and Collins be counted. It did not take, and was quite right in not taking, to the rhymeless, shortened Pindaric of Sayers and Southey, as to anything but an eccentric 'sport' of poetry. What Scott had to offer was practically new, or at least novel. It is universally known—and Scott, who was only too careless of his own claims, and the very last of men to steal or conceal those of others, made no secret of it—that the suggestion of the Lay in metre came from a private recitation or reading of Coleridge's Christabel, written in the year of Scott's marriage, but not published till twenty years later, and more than ten after the appearance of the {40} Lay. Coleridge seems to have regarded Scott's priority with an irritability less suitable to his philosophic than to his poetical character. [12] But he had, in the first place, only himself, if anybody, to blame; in the second, Scott more than made the loan his own property by the variations executed on its motive; and in the third, Coleridge's original right was far less than he seems to have honestly thought, and than most people have guilelessly assumed since. For the iambic dimeter, freely altered by the licences of equivalence, anacrusis, and catalexis, though not recently practised in English when Christabel and the Lay set the example, is an inevitable result of the clash between accented, alliterative, asyllabic rhythm and quantitative, exactly syllabic metre, which accompanied the transformation of Anglo-Saxon into English. We have distinct approaches to it in the thirteenth century Genesis; it attains considerable development in Spenser's The Oak and the Brere; anybody can see that the latter part of Milton's Comus was written under the breath of its spirit. But it had not hitherto been applied on any great scale, and the delusions under which the eighteenth century laboured as to the syllabic restrictions of English poetry had made it almost impossible that it should be. At the same time, that century, by its lighter practice on the one hand in {41} the octosyllable, on the other in the four-footed anapæstic, was making the way easier for those who dared a little: and Coleridge first, then Scott, did the rest. We have seen that in some of his early ballad work Scott had a little overdone the licence of equivalence, but this had probably been one of the formal points on which, as we know, the advice of Lewis, no poet but a remarkably good metrist, had been of use to him. And he acquitted himself now in a manner which, if it never quite attains the weird charm of Christabel itself at its best, is more varied, better sustained, and, above all, better suited to the story-telling which was, of course, Scott's supremest gift. It is very curious to compare Coleridge's remarks on Scott's verse with those of Wordsworth, in reference to the White Doe of Rylstone. Neither in Christabel, nor in the White Doe, is there a real story really told. Coleridge, but for his fatal weaknesses, undoubtedly could have told such a story; it is pretty certain that Wordsworth could not. But Scott could tell a story as few other men who have ever drawn breath on the earth could tell it. He had been distinguished in the conversational branch of the art from his youth up, and though it was to be long before he could write a story in prose, he showed now, at the first attempt, how he could write one in verse. Construction, of course, was not his forte; it never was. The plot of the Lay, if not exactly non-existent, is of the simplest and loosest description; the whole being in effect a series of episodes strung together by the loves of Margaret and Cranstoun and the misdeeds of the Goblin Page. Even the Book supplies no real or necessary nexus. But the romance proper has never required elaborate construction, and has very rarely, if {42} ever, received it. A succession of engaging or exciting episodes, each plausibly joined to each, contents its easy wants; and such a succession is liberally provided here. So, too, it does not require strict character-drawing—a gift with which Scott was indeed amply provided, but which he did not exhibit, and had no call to exhibit, here. If the personages will play their parts, that is enough. And they all play them very well here, though the hero and heroine do certainly exhibit something of that curious nullity which has been objected to the heroes nearly always, the heroines too frequently, of the later prose novels. But even those critics who, as too many critics are wont to do, forgot and forget that 'the prettiest girl in the world' not only cannot give, but ought not to be asked to give, more than she has, must have been, and must be, very unreasonable if they find fault with the subject and stuff of the Lay. Jeffrey's remark about 'the present age not enduring' the Border and mosstrooping details was contradicted by the fact, and was, as a matter of taste, one of those strange blunders which diversified his often admirably acute critical utterances. When he feared their effects on 'English readers,' he showed himself, as was not common with him, actually ignorant of one of the simplest general principles of the poetic appeal, that is to say, the element of strangeness. But we must not criticise criticism here, and must only add that another great appeal, that of variety, is amply given, as well as that of unfamiliarity. The graceful and touching, if a little conventional, overture of the Minstrel introduces with the truest art the vigorous sketch of Branksome Tower. The spirits of flood and fell are allowed to impress and not {43} allowed to bore us; for the quickest of changes is made to Deloraine's ride—a kind of thing in which Scott never failed, even in his latest and saddest days. The splendid Melrose opening of the Second Canto supports itself through the discovery of the Book, and finds due contrast in the description (or no-description) of the lovers' meeting; the fight and the Goblin Page's misbehaviour and punishment (to all, at least, but those, surely few now, who are troubled by the Jeffreyan sense of 'dignity'), the decoying and capture of young Buccleuch, and the warning of the clans are certainly no ungenerous provision for the Third; nor the clan anecdotes (especially the capital episode of the Beattisons), the parley, the quarrel of Howard and Dacre, and the challenge, for the Fourth. There is perhaps less in the Fifth, for Scott seems to have been afraid of another fight in detail; but the description of the night before, and the famous couplet— 'I'd give the lands of Deloraine Dark Musgrave were alive again'— would save it if there were nothing else, as there is much. And if the actual conclusion has no great interest (Scott was never good at conclusions, as we shall find Lady Louisa Stuart telling him frankly later), the Sixth Canto is full, and more than full, of brilliant things—the feast, the Goblin's tricks, his carrying-off, the pilgrimage, and, above all, the songs, especially 'Rosabelle' and the version of the 'Dies Iræ.' The mention of these last may fairly introduce a few words on the formal and metrical characteristics of the poem, remarks which perhaps some readers resent, but which must nevertheless be made, inasmuch as they are to my mind by far the most important {44} part of poetical criticism. Scott evidently arranged his scheme of metre with extreme care here, though it is possible that after this severe exercise he let it take care of itself to some extent later. His introduction is in the strict octosyllable, with only such licences of slur or elision— 'The pi \| tying Duch \| ess praised its chime,' 'He had played \| it to King Charles the Good'— as the greatest precisians might have allowed themselves. But the First Canto breaks at once into the full licence, not merely of equivalence,—that is to say, of substituting an anapæst or a trochee for an iamb,—but of shifting the base and rhythm of any particular verse, or of set batches of verses, between the three ground-feet, and, further, of occasionally introducing sixes, as in the ballad metre, and even fours— 'Bards long \| shall tell How Lord Wal \| ter fell,' instead of the usual eights. In similar fashion he varies the rhymes, passing as the subject or the accompaniment of the word-music may require, from the couplet to the quatrain, and from the quatrain to the irregularly rhymed 'Pindaric'; always, however, taking care that, except in the set lyric, the quatrain shall not fall too much into definite stanza, but be interlaced in sense or sound sufficiently to carry on the narrative. The result, to some tastes, is a medium quite unsurpassed for the particular purpose. The only objection to it at all capable of being maintained, that I can think of, is that the total effect is rather lyrical than epic. And so much of this must be perhaps allowed as comes to granting that {45} Scott's verse-romance is rather a long and cunningly sustained and varied ballad than an epic proper. The Lay, though not received with quite that eager appetite for poetry which Scott was 'born to introduce,' and of which he lived long enough to see the glutting, had a large and immediate sale. The author, not yet aware what a gold mine his copyrights were, parted with this after the first edition, and received in all rather less than £770, a sum trifling in comparison with his after gains; but probably the largest that had as yet been received by any English poet for a single volume not published by subscription. It is curious that, at the estimated rate of three for one in comparing the value of money at the end of the seventeenth and the beginning of the nineteenth century, the sum almost exactly equals that paid by Tonson for Dryden's Fables, the last book, before the Lay itself, which had united popularity, merit, and bulk in English verse. But Dryden was the acknowledged head of English literature at the time, and Scott was a mere beginner. He was probably even better pleased with the quality of the praise than with the quantity of the pudding. For though professional criticism, then in no very vigorous state, said some silly things, it was generally favourable; and a saying of Pitt (most indifferent, as a rule, of all Prime Ministers to English literature) is memorable not merely as summing up the general impression, but as defining what that impression was in a fashion quite invaluable to the student of literary history. The Pilot that Weathered the Storm, it seems, said of the description of the Minstrel's hesitation before playing, 'This is a sort of thing I might have expected in painting, but could never have fancied capable of being given by poetry.' To the {46} present generation and the last, the reverse expression would probably seem more natural. We say, of Mr. Watts or of Sir Edward Burne-Jones, that they have put, in 'Love and Death' or in 'Love among the Ruins,' what we might have expected from poetry, but could hardly have thought possible in painting. But a hundred years of studious convention and generality, of deliberate avoidance of the poignant, and the vivid, and the detailed, and the coloured in poetry had made Pitt's confession as natural as another hundred years of contrary practice from Coleridge to Rossetti have made ours. The publication of the Lay immediately preceded, and perhaps its success had no small share in deciding, the most momentous and unfortunate step of Scott's life, his entry into partnership with James Ballantyne. The discussion of the whole of this business will best be postponed till the date of its catastrophe is reached, but a few words may be said on the probable reasons for it. Much, no doubt, was the result of that combination of incalculable things which foolish persons of one kind call mere chance, of which foolish persons of another kind deny the existence, and which wise men term, from different but not irreconcilable points of view, Providence, or Luck, or Fate. But a little can be cleared up. Scott had evidently made up his mind that he should not succeed at the Bar, and had also persuaded himself that the very success of the Lay had made failure certain. The ill success of his brother Thomas, with the writer's business inherited from their father, perhaps inconvenienced and no doubt frightened him. In fact, though his harsher judges are wrong in attributing to him any undue haste to be rich, he certainly does seem to have been under a dread of being {47} poor; a dread no doubt not wholly intelligible and partly morbid in a young man still under thirty-five, with brilliant literary and some legal prospects, who had, independently of fees, literary or legal, a secured income of about a thousand a year. He probably thought, and was right in thinking, that the book trade was going to 'look up' to a degree previously unknown; he seems throughout to have been under one of those inexplicable attractions towards the Ballantynes which now and then exist, as Hobbes says, 'in the greater towards the meaner, but not contrary'; and perhaps there was another cause which has not been usually allowed for enough. Good Christian and good-natured man as he was, Scott was exceedingly proud; and though joining himself with persons of dubious social position in mercantile operations seems an odd way of pride, it had its temptations. I do not doubt but that from the first Scott intended, more or less vaguely and dimly, to extend the printing business into a publishing one, and so to free himself from any necessity of going cap-in-hand to publishers. However, for good or for ill,—I think it was mainly for ill,—for this reason or for that, the partnership was formed, at first indirectly by way of loan, then directly by further advance on security of a share in the business, and finally so that Scott became, though he did not appear, the leading partner. And the very first letter that we have of his about business shows the fatal flaw which he, the soul of honour, seems never to have detected till too late, if even then. The scheme for an edition of Dryden was already afloat, and the first editor proposed was a certain Mr. Foster, who 'howled about the expense of printing.' 'I still,' says Scott to Ballantyne, 'stick to my answer that I know nothing of the {48} matter, but that, settle it how he and you will, it must be printed by you or be no concern of mine. This gives you an advantage in driving the bargain.' Perhaps; but how about the advantage to Mr. Foster of being advised by Ballantyne's partner to employ Ballantyne, while he was innocent of the knowledge of the identity of partner and adviser, and was even told that Scott 'knew nothing of the matter'? Even before the quarrel which soon occurred with Constable established the Ballantynes—nominally the other brother John—as publishers, Scott had begun, and was constantly pressing upon the different publishing houses with which he was connected, a variety of literary schemes of the most ambitious and costly character. All these books were to be printed by Ballantyne, and many of them edited by himself; while, when the direct publishing business was added, there was no longer any check on this dangerous proceeding. It is most curious how Scott, the shrewdest and sanest of men in the vast majority of affairs, seems to have lost his head wherever books or lands were concerned. Himself both an antiquary and an antiquarian, [13] as well as a lover of literature, he seems to have taken it for granted that the same combination of tastes existed in the public to an extent which would pay all expenses, however lavishly incurred. To us, nowadays, who know how cold a face publishers turn on what we call really interesting schemes, and how often these schemes, even when fostered, miscarry or barely pay expenses,—who are aware that even the editors {49} of literary societies, where expenses are assured beforehand, have to work for love or for merely nominal fees, simply because the public will not buy the books,—it is not so wonderful that some of Scott's schemes never got into being at all, and that others were dead losses, as that any 'got home.' His Dryden, an altogether admirable book, on which he lavished labour, and great part of which appealed to a still dominant prestige, may just have carried the editor's certainly not excessive fee of forty guineas a volume, or about £750 for the whole. But when one reads of twice that sum paid for the Swift, of £1300 for the thirteen quartos of the Somers Papers, and so forth, the feeling is not that the sums paid were at all too much for the work done, but that the publishers must have been very lucky men if they ever saw their money again. The two first of these schemes certainly, the third perhaps, deserved success; and still more so did a great scheme for the publication of the entire British Poets, to be edited by Scott and Campbell, which indeed fell through in itself, but resulted indirectly in Campbell's excellent Specimens and Chalmers's invaluable if not very comely Poets. Even another project, a Corpus Historicorum, would have been magnificent, though it could hardly have been bookselling war. But the Somers Tracts themselves, the Memoirs and papers of Sadler, Slingsby, Carleton, Cary, etc., were of the class of book which requires subvention of some kind to prevent it from being a dead loss; and when the preventive check of the unwillingness of publishers was removed by the fatal establishment of 'John Ballantyne & Co.,' things became worse still. There are few better instances of the eternal irony of fate than that the author of the admirable description of the bookseller's {50} horror at Mr. Pembroke's Sermons [14] should have permitted, should have positively caused, the publishing at what was in effect his own risk, or rather his own certainty of loss, not merely of Weber's ambitious Beaumont and Fletcher, but of collections of Tixall Poetry, Histories of the Culdees, Wilson's History of James the First, and the rest. As the beginning of 1805 saw the first birth of his real books, so the end of it saw that of the last of his children according to the flesh. His firstborn, as has been said, did not live. But Walter (born November 1799), Sophia (born October 1801), Anne (born February 1803), and Charles (born December 1805) survived infancy; and it is quite probable that these regular increases to his family, by suggesting that he might have a large one, stimulated Scott's desire to enlarge his income. As a matter of fact, however, the quartette of two boys and two girls was not exceeded. The domestic life at Castle Street and Ashestiel, from the publication of the Lay to that of Marmion in 1808,—indeed to that of The Lady of the Lake in May 1810,—ran smoothly enough; and there can be little doubt that these five years were the happiest, and in reality the most prosperous, of Scott's life. He had at once attained great fame, and was increasing it by each successive poem; his immense intellectual activity found vent besides in almost innumerable projects, some of which were in a way successful, and some of which, if they did himself no very great good pecuniarily, did good to more or less deserving friends and protégés. His health had, as yet, shown no signs whatever of breaking down; he was physically in perfect condition for, and at {51} Ashestiel he had every opportunity of indulging in, the field sports in which his soul delighted at least as much as in reading and writing; he had pleasant intervals of wandering; and, to crown it all, he was, during this period, established in reversionary prospect, if not yet in actual possession, of an income which should have put even his anxieties at rest, and which certainly might have made him dissociate himself from the dangerous and doubtful commercial enterprises in which he had engaged. This reversion was that of a Clerkship of Session, one of an honourable, well-paid, and by no means laborious group of offices which seems to have been accepted as a comely and comfortable set of shelves for advocates of ability, position, and influence, who, for this reason or that, were not making absolutely first-rate mark at the Bar. The post to which Scott was appointed was in the possession of a certain Mr. Hope, and as no retiring pension was attached to these places, it was customary to hold them on the rather uncomfortable terms of doing the work till the former holder died, without getting any money. But before many years a pension scheme was put in operation; Mr. Hope took his share of it, and Scott entered upon thirteen hundred a year in addition to his Sheriffship and to his private property, without taking any account at all of literary gains. The appointment had not actually been completed, though the patent had been signed, when the Fox and Grenville Government came in, and it so happened that the document had been so made out as to have enabled Scott, if he chose, to draw the whole salary and leave his predecessor in the cold. But this was soon set right. In the visit to London which he paid (apparently for the purpose of getting the error corrected), he made the acquaintance of the unlucky Princess of Wales, who was {52} at this time rather a favourite with the Tories. And when he came back to Scotland, the trial of Lord Melville gave him an opportunity of distinguishing himself by a natural and very pardonable partisanship, which made his Whig friends rather sore. Politics in Edinburgh ran very high during this short break in the long Tory domination, and from it dates a story, to some minds, perhaps, one of the most interesting of all those about Scott, and connected indelibly with the scene of its occurrence. It tells how, as he was coming down the Mound with Jeffrey and another Whig, after a discussion in the Faculty of Advocates on some proposals of innovation, Jeffrey tried to laugh the difference off, and how Scott, usually stoical enough, save in point of humour, broke out with actual tears in his eyes, 'No, no! it is no laughing matter. Little by little, whatever your wishes may be, you will destroy and undermine until nothing of what makes Scotland Scotland shall remain!' He would probably have found no great reason at the other end of the century to account himself a false prophet; and he might have thought his prophecies in fair way of fulfilment not in Scotland only. During 1806 and 1807 the main occupations of Scott's leisure (if he can ever be said to have had such a thing) were the Dryden and Marmion. The latter of these appeared in February and the former in April 1808, a perhaps unique example of an original work, and one of criticism and compilation, both of unusual bulk and excellence, appearing, with so short an interval, from the same pen. As for Marmion, it is surely by far the greatest, taking all constituents of poetical greatness together, of Scott's poems. It was not helped at the time, and probably never has been helped, by the author's plan of prefixing to each canto introductions of very considerable length, {53} each addressed to one or other of his chief literary friends, and having little or nothing at all to do with the subject of the tale. Contemporaries complained that the main poem was thereby intolerably interrupted; posterity, I believe, has taken the line of ignoring the introductions altogether. This is a very great pity, for not only do they contain some of Scott's best and oftenest quoted lines, but each is a really charming piece of occasional verse, and something more, in itself. The beautiful description of Tweedside in late autumn, the dirge on Nelson, Pitt, and Fox (which last, of course, infuriated Jeffrey), and, above all, the splendid passage on the Morte d'Arthur (which Scott had at this time thought of editing, but gave up to Southey) adorn the epistle to Rose; the picture of Ettrick Forest in that to Marriott is one of the best sustained things the poet ever did; the personal interest of the Erskine piece is of the highest, though it has fewer 'purple' passages, and it is well-matched with that to Skene; while the fifth to Ellis and the sixth and last to Heber nobly complete the batch. Only, though the things in this case are both rich and rare, 'We wonder what the devil they do there'; and Lockhart unearthed, what Scott seems to have forgotten, the fact that they were originally intended to appear by themselves. It is a pity they did not; for, excellent as they are, they are quite out of place as interludes to a story, the serried range of which not only does not require but positively rejects them. For here, while Scott had lost little, if anything, of the formal graces of the Lay, he had improved immensely in grip and force. Clare may be a bread-and-butter heroine, and Wilton a milk-and-water lover, but the {54} designs of Marmion against both give a real story-interest, which is quite absent from the Lay. The figure of Constance is really tragic, not melodramatic merely, and makes one regret that Scott, in his prose novels, did not repeat and vary her. All the accessories, both in incident and figure, are good, and it is almost superfluous to praise the last canto. It extorted admiration from the partisan rancour and the literary prudishness of Jeffrey; it made the disturbed dowagers of the Critical Review, who thought, with Rymer, that 'a hero ought to be virtuous,' mingle applause with their fie-fies; it has been the delight of every reader, not a milksop, or a faddist, or a poetical man-of-one-idea, ever since. The last canto of Marmion and the last few 'Aventiuren' of the Nibelungen Lied are perhaps the only things in all poetry where a set continuous battle (not a series of duels as in Homer) is related with unerring success; and the steady crescendo of the whole, considering its length and intensity, is really miraculous. Nay, even without this astonishing finale, the poem that contained the opening sketch of Norham, the voyage from Whitby to Holy Island, the final speech of Constance, and the famous passage of her knell, the Host's Tale, the pictures of Crichton and the Blackford Hill view, the 'air and fire' of the 'Lochinvar' song, the phantom summons from the Cross of Edinburgh, and the parting of Douglas and Marmion, could spare half of these and still remain one of the best of its kind, while every passage so spared would be enough to distinguish any poem in which it occurred. The considerable change in the metre of Marmion as compared with the Lay is worth noticing. Here, as there, the 'introductions' are, for the most part, if not throughout, in continuous octosyllabic couplets. But, {55} in the text, the couplet plays also a much larger part than it does in the Lay, and where it is dropped the substitute is not usually the light and extremely varied medley of the earlier poem, so much as a sort of irregular (and sometimes almost regular) stanza arrangement, sets of (usually three) octosyllables being interspersed with sixes, rhyming independently. The batches of monorhymed octosyllables sometimes extend to even four in number, with remarkably good effect, as, for instance, in the infernal proclamation from the Cross. Altogether the metrical scheme is of a graver cast than that of the Lay, and suits the more serious and tragical colour of the story. It has been mentioned above in passing that Jeffrey reviewed Marmion on the whole unfavourably. The story of this review is well known: how the editor-reviewer (with the best intentions doubtless) sent the proof with a kind of apology to Scott on the morning of a dinner-party in Castle Street; how Scott showed at least outward indifference, and Mrs. Scott a not unamiable petulance; and how, though the affair caused no open breach of private friendship, it doubtless gave help to the increasing Whiggery of the Review and its pusillanimous policy in regard to the Spanish War in severing Scott's connection with it, and determining him to promote, heart and soul, the opposition venture of the Quarterly. Of this latter it was naturally enough proposed by Canning that Scott should be editor; but, as naturally, he does not seem to have even considered the proposal. He would have hated living in London; no salary that could have been offered him could have done more than equal, if so much, the stipends of his Sheriffship and the coming Clerkship, which he would have had to give up; and the work would have interfered much more seriously {56} than his actual vocations with his literary avocations. Besides, it is quite certain that he would not have made a good editor. In the first place, he was fitted neither by education nor by temperament for the troublesome and 'meticulous' business of knocking contributions into shape. And, in the second, he would most assuredly have fallen into the most fatal of all editorial errors—that of inserting articles, not because they were actually good or likely to be popular, but because the subjects were interesting, or the writers agreeable, to himself. But he backed the venture manfully with advice, by recruiting for it, and afterwards by contributing to it. It so happened, too, that about the same time he had dissensions with the publisher as well as with the editor of the Edinburgh. Constable, though he had not entered into the intimate relations with Scott and the Ballantynes that were afterwards so fatal, had made the spirited bid of a thousand pounds for Marmion, and the much more spirited and (it is to be feared) much less profitable one of fifteen hundred for the Swift. He had, however, recently taken into partnership a certain Mr. Hunter of Blackness. This Hunter must have had some merits—he had at any rate sufficient wit to throw the blame of the fact that sojourn in Scotland did not always agree with Englishmen on their disgusting habit of 'eating too much and not drinking enough.' But he was a laird of some family, and he seems to have thought that he might bring into business the slightly hectoring ways which were then tolerated in Scotland from persons of quality to persons of none or less. He was a very bitter Whig, and, therefore, ill disposed towards Scott. And, lastly, he had, or thought he had, a grievance against his distinguished 'hand' in respect of the Swift, to wit, that the editor of that well-paid compilation did not devote {57} himself to it by any means exclusively enough. Now Scott, though the most good-natured of men and only too easy to lead, was absolutely impossible to drive; and his blood was as ready as the 'bluid of M'Foy' itself to be set on fire at the notion of a cock-laird from Fife not merely treating a Scott with discourtesy, but imputing doubtful conduct to him. He offered to throw up the Swift, and though this was not accepted, broke for a time all other connection with Constable—an unfortunate breach, as it helped to bring about the establishment of the Ballantyne publishing business, and so unquestionably began Scott's own ruin. It is remarkable that a similar impatience of interference afterwards broke Scott's just-begun connection with Blackwood, which, could it have lasted, would probably have saved him. For that sagacious person would certainly never have plunged, or, if he could have helped it, let anyone else plunge, into Charybdis. Between the publication of Marmion and that of The Lady of the Lake Scott was very busy in bookmaking and bookselling projects. It was characteristic of the mixture of bad luck and bad management which hung on the Ballantynes from the first that even their Edinburgh Annual Register, published as it was in the most stirring times, and written by Scott, by Southey, and others of the very best hands, was a failure. He made some visits to London, and (for the scenery of the new poem) to the Trossachs and Loch Lomond; and had other matters of concern, the chief of which were the death of his famous bull-terrier Camp, and two troublesome affairs connected with his brothers. One of these, the youngest, Daniel, after misconduct of various kinds, had, as mentioned above, shown the white feather during a negro insurrection in Jamaica, and so disgusted his {58} brother that when he came home to die, Scott would neither see him, nor, when he died, go to his funeral. The other concerned his brother Thomas, who, after his failure as a writer, had gone from prudential motives to the Isle of Man, where he for a time was an officer in the local Fencibles. But before leaving Edinburgh, and while he was still a practising lawyer, his brother had appointed him to a small post in his own gift as Clerk. Not only was there nothing discreditable in this according to the idea of any time,—for Thomas Scott's education and profession qualified him fully for the office,—but there were circumstances which, at that time, showed rather heroic and uncommon virtue. For the actual vacancy had occurred in a higher and more valuable post, also in Scott's gift, and he, instead of appointing his brother to this, promoted a deserving subordinate veteran, and gave the lower and less valuable place to Thomas. The latter's circumstances, however, obliged him to perform his duties by deputy, and a Commission then sitting ultimately abolished the office altogether, with a retiring allowance of about half the salary. Certain Whig peers took this up as a job, and Lord Lauderdale, supported by Lord Holland, made in the House of Lords very offensive charges against Scott personally for having appointed his brother to a place which he knew would be abolished, [15] and against Thomas for claiming compensation in respect of duties which he had never performed. The Bill was, however, carried; but Scott was indignant at the loss threatened to his brother and the imputation made on himself, and 'cut' Lord Holland at a semi-public dinner not long afterwards. For this he was and has since been severely {59} blamed, and his behaviour was perhaps a little 'perfervid.' But everybody knows, or should know, that there are few things more trying to humanity than to be accused of improper conduct when a man is hugging himself on having behaved with unusual and saint-like propriety. The Lady of the Lake appeared in May 1810, being published by Ballantyne and Miller, and at once attained enormous popularity. Twenty thousand copies were sold within the year, two thousand of which were costly quartos; and while there can be no doubt that this was the highest point of Scott's poetical vogue, there is, I believe, not much doubt that the poem has always continued to be a greater favourite with the general than any other of his. It actually, more than any other, created the furore for Scottish scenery and touring, which has never ceased since; it supplied in the descriptions of that scenery, in the fight between Roderick and Fitz-James, and in other things, his most popular passages; and it has remained probably the type of his poetry to the main body of readers. Yet there are some who like it less than any other of the major divisions of that poetry, and this is by no means necessarily due either to a desire to be eccentric or to the subtler but almost equally illegitimate operation of the want of novelty—of the fact that its best effects are but repetitions of those of Marmion and the Lay. For, fine as it is, it seems to me to display the drawbacks of Scott's scheme and method more than any of the longer poems. Douglas, Ellen, Malcolm, are null; Roderick and the king have a touch of theatricality which I look for in vain elsewhere in Scott; there is nothing fantastic in the piece like the Goblin Page, and nothing tragical like Constance. There is something teasing in what has been profanely called the 'guide-book' character—the {60} cicerone-like fidelity which contrasts so strongly with the skilfully subordinated description in the two earlier and even in the later poems. Moreover, though Ellis ought not to have called the octosyllable 'the Hudibrastic measure' (which is only a very special variety of it), he was certainly right in objecting to its great predominance in unmixed form here. The critics, however, sang the praises of the poem lustily. Even Jeffrey—perhaps because it was purely Scottish (he had thought Marmion not Scottish enough), perhaps because its greater conventionality appealed to him, perhaps because he wished to make atonement—was extremely complimentary. And certainly no one need be at a loss for things to commend positively, whatever may be his comparative estimate. The fine Spenserian openings (which Byron copied almost slavishly in the form of the stanza he took for Harold), the famous beginning of the stag, the description of the pass (till Fitz-James begins to soliloquise), some of the songs (especially the masterly 'Coronach'), the passage of the Fiery Cross, the apparition of the clan (not perhaps so great as some have thought it, but still great), the struggle, the guard-room (which shocked Jeffrey dreadfully)—these are only some of the best things. But I own that I turn from the best of them to the last stand of the spearmen at Flodden, and the unburying of the Book in the Lay. It may, perhaps, not be undesirable to anticipate somewhat, in order to complete the sketch of the verse romances in this chapter; for not very long after the publication of the Lady of the Lake, Scott resumed the writing of Waverley, which effected an entire change in the direction of his literature; and it was not a twelvemonth later that he planned the establishment {61} at Abbotsford, which was thenceforward the headquarters of his life. The first poem to follow was one which lay out of the series in subject, scheme, and dress, and which perhaps should rather be counted with his minor and miscellaneous pieces—The Vision of Don Roderick. It was written with rapidity, even for him, and with a special purpose; the profits being promised beforehand to the Committee of the Portuguese Relief Fund, formed to assist the sufferers from Massena's devastations. It consists of rather less than a hundred Spenserian stanzas, the story of Roderick merely ushering in a magical revelation, to that too-amorous monarch, of the fortunes of the Peninsular War and its heroes up to the date of writing. The Edinburgh Review, which hated the war, was very angry because Scott did not celebrate Sir John Moore (whether as a good Whig or a bad general it did not explain); but even Jeffrey was not entirely unfavourable, and the piece was otherwise well received. The description of the subterranean hall beneath the Cathedral of Toledo is as good as we should expect, and the verses on Saragossa and on the forces of the three kingdoms are very fine. But the whole was something of a torso, and it is improbable that Scott could ever have used the Spenserian stanza to good effect for continuous narrative. Even in its individual shape, that great form requires the artistic patience as well as the natural gift of men like its inventor, or like Thomson, Shelley, and Tennyson, in other times and of other schools, to get the full effect out of it; while to connect it satisfactorily with its kind and adjust it to narrative is harder still. The true succession, however, after this parenthesis, was taken up by Rokeby, which was dated on the very {62} last day of 1812. Its reception was not exceedingly enthusiastic; for Byron, borrowing most of his technique and general scheme from Scott, and joining with these greater apparent passion and a more novel and unfamiliar local colour, had appeared on the scene as a 'second lion.' The public, a 'great-sized monster of ingratitudes,' had got accustomed to Scott, if not weary of him. The title [16] was not very happy; and perhaps some harm was really done by one of the best of Moore's many good jokes in the Twopenny Postbag, where he represented Scott as coming from Edinburgh to London 'To do all the gentlemen's seats by the way' in romances of half a dozen cantos. The poem, however, is a very delightful one, and to some tastes at least very far above the Lady of the Lake. Scott, indeed, clung to the uninterrupted octosyllable more than ever; but that verse, if a poet knows how to manage it, is by no means so unsuited for story-telling as Ellis thought; and Scott had here more story to tell than in any of his preceding pieces, except Marmion. The only character, indeed, in which one takes much interest is Bertram Risingham; but he is a really excellent person, the cream of Scott's ruffians, whether in prose or verse; appearing well, conducting himself better, and ending best of all. Nor is Oswald, the contrasted villain, by any means to be despised; while the passages—on which the romance, in contradistinction to the classical epic, stands or falls—are equal to all but the very best in Marmion or the Lay. Bertram's account of the first and happier events at Marston Moor, as well as of his feelings as to his comradeship {63} with Mortham; the singularly beautiful opening of the second canto— 'Far in the chambers of the west'; with the description of Upper Teesdale; Bertram's clamber on the cliff, with its reminiscences of the 'Kittle Nine Steps,'—these lead on to many other things as good, ending with that altogether admirable bit of workmanship, Bertram's revenge on Oswald and his own death. Matilda is one of the best of Scott's verse-heroines, except Constance—that is to say, the best of his good girls—and she has the interest of being avowedly modelled on 'Green Mantle.' Nor in any of the poems do the lyrics give more satisfactory setting-off to the main text. Indeed, it may be questioned whether any contains such a garland as—to mention only the best—is formed by 'O, Brignall banks are wild and fair'; the exquisite 'A weary lot is thine, fair maid,' adapted from older matter with a skill worthy of Burns himself; the capital bravura of Allen-a-Dale; and that noble Cavalier lyric— 'When the dawn on the mountain was misty and grey.' The Bridal of Triermain was published in 1813, not long after Rokeby, and, like that poem, drew its scenery from the North of England; but in circumstances, scale, and other ways it forms a pair with Harold the Dauntless, and they had best be noticed together. The Lord of the Isles, the last of the great quintet, {64} appeared in December 1814. Scott had obtained part of the scenery for it in an earlier visit to the Hebrides, and the rest in his yachting voyage (see below) with the Commissioners of Northern Lights, which also gave the décor for The Pirate. The poem was not more popular than Rokeby in England, and it was even less so in Scotland, chiefly for the reason, only to be mentioned with all but silent amazement, that it was 'not bitter enough against England.' Its faults are, of course, obvious enough. Central story there is simply none; the inconvenience that arises to the hero from his being addressed by two young ladies cannot awake any very sympathetic tear, nor does either Edith of Lorn or Isabel Bruce awaken any violent desire to offer to relieve him of one of them. The versification, however, is less uniform than that of Rokeby or The Lady of the Lake, and there are excellent passages—the best being, no doubt, the Abbot's extorted blessing on the Bruce; the great picture of Loch Coruisk, which, let people say what they will, is marvellously faithful; part of the voyage (though one certainly could spare some of the 'merrilys'); the landing in Carrick; the rescue of the supposed page; and, finally, Bannockburn, which even Jeffrey admired, though its want of 'animosity' shocked him. The two last of the great poems—there was indeed a third, The Field of Waterloo, written hastily for a subscription, and not worthy either of Scott or of the subject—have not by any means the least interest, either intrinsic or that of curiosity. Indeed, as a matter of liking, not quite disjoined from criticism, I should put them very high indeed. Both were issued anonymously, and with indications intended to mislead readers into the idea that they were by Erskine; the intention being, it would seem, partly to ascertain how far the author's {65} mere name counted in his popularity, partly also to 'fly kites' as to the veering of the public taste in reference to the verse romance in general. By the time of the publication of Harold the Dauntless in 1817, Scott could hardly have had any intention of deserting the new way—his own exclusive right—in which he was already walking firmly. But the Bridal of Triermain appeared very shortly after Rokeby, and was, no doubt, seriously intended as a test. In both pieces the author fell back upon his earlier scheme of metre, the Christabel blend of iambic with anapæstic passages, instead of the nearly pure iambs of his middle poems. The Bridal, partly to encourage the Erskine notion, it would seem, is hampered by an intermixed outline-story, told in the introductions, of the wooing and winning of a certain Lucy by a certain Arthur, both of whom may be very heartily wished away. But the actual poem is more thoroughly a Romance of Adventure than even the Lay, has much more central interest than that poem, and is adorned by passages of hardly less beauty than the best of the earlier piece. It is astonishing how anyone of the slightest penetration could have entertained the slightest doubt about the authorship of 'Come hither, come hither, Henry my page, Whom I saved from the sack of Hermitage'; still more of that of the well-known opening of the Third Canto, one of the triumphs of that 'science of names' in which Scott was such a proficient— 'Bewcastle now must keep the Hold, Speir-Adam's steeds must bide in stall, Of Hartley-burn the bowmen bold Must only shoot from battled wall; {66} And Liddesdale may buckle spur, And Teviot now may belt the brand, Tarras and Ewes keep nightly stir, And Eskdale foray Cumberland!' But these are only the most unmistakable, not the best. The opening specification of the Bride; the admirable 'Lyulph's Tale,' with the first appearance of the castle, and the stanza (suggested no doubt by a famous picture) of the damsels dragging Arthur's war-gear; the courtship, and Guendolen's wiles to retain Arthur, and the parting; the picture of the King's court; the tournament; all these are good enough. But I am not sure that the description of Sir Roland's tantalised vigil in the Vale of St. John, with the moonlit valley (itself a worthy pendant even to the Melrose), and the sudden and successful revelation of the magic hold when the knight flings his battle-axe, does not even surpass the Tale. Nor do I think that the actual adventures of this Childe Roland in the dark towers are inferior. The trials and temptations are of stock material, but all the best matter is stock, and this is handled with a rush and dash which more than saves it. I hope the tiger was only a magic tiger, and went home comfortably with the damsels of Zaharak. It seems unfair that he should be actually killed. But this is the only thing that disquiets me; and it is impossible to praise too much De Vaux's ingenious compromise between tasteless asceticism and dangerous indulgence in the matter of 'Asia's willing maids.' Harold the Dauntless is much slighter, as indeed might be expected, considering that it was finished in a hurry, long after the author had given up poetry as a main occupation. But the half burlesque Spenserians of the overture are very good; the contrasted songs, {67} 'Dweller of the Cairn' and 'A Danish Maid for Me,' are happy. Harold's interview with the Chapter is a famous bit of bravura; and all concerning the Castle of the Seven Shields, from the ballad introducing it, through the description of its actual appearance (in which, by the way, Scott shows almost a better grasp of the serious Spenserian stanza than anywhere else) to the final battle of Odin and Harold, is of the very best Romantic quality. Perhaps, indeed, it is because (as the Critical Review, the Abdiel of 'classical' orthodoxy among the reviews of the time, scornfully said), 'both poems are romantic enough to satisfy all the parlour-boarders of all the ladies' schools in England,' that they are so pleasant. It is something, in one's grey and critical age, to feel genuine sympathy with the parlour-boarder. The chapter has already stretched to nearly the utmost proportions compatible with the scale of this little book, and we must not indulge in very many critical remarks on the general character of the compositions discussed in it. But I have never carried out the plan (which I think indispensable) of reading over again whatever work, however well known, one has to write about, with more satisfaction. The main defects lie on the surface. Despite great felicities of a certain kind, these poems have no claim to formal perfection, and occasionally sin by very great carelessness, if not by something worse. The poet frankly shows himself as one whose appeal is not that of 'jewels five words long,' set and arranged in phrases of that magical and unending beauty which the very greatest poets of the world command. His effect, even in description, is rather of mass than of detail. He does not attempt analysis in character, and only skirts passion. Although prodigal enough of incident, he is very careless of connected plot. But his great and {68} abiding glory is that he revived the art, lost for centuries in England, of telling an interesting story in verse, of riveting the attention through thousands of lines of poetry neither didactic nor argumentative. And of his separate passages, his patches of description and incident, when the worst has been said of them, it will remain true that, in their own way and for their own purpose, they cannot be surpassed. The already noticed comparison of any of Scott's best verse-tales with Christabel, which they formally imitated to some extent, and with the White Doe of Rylstone, which followed them, will no doubt show that Coleridge and Wordsworth had access to mansions in the house of poetry where Scott is never seen. But in some respects even their best passages are not superior to his; and as tales, as romances, his are altogether superior to theirs. {69} CHAPTER IV THE NOVELS, FROM WAVERLEY TO REDGAUNTLET In the opening introduction to the collected edition of the novels, Scott has given a very full account of the genesis of Waverley. These introductions, written before the final inroad had been made on his powers by the united strength of physical and moral misfortune, animated at once by the last glow of those powers, and by the indefinable charm of a fond retrospection, displaying every faculty in autumn luxuriance, are so delightful that they sometimes seem to be the very cream and essence of his literary work in prose. Indeed, I have always wondered why they have not been published separately as a History of the Waverley Novels by their author. Yet the public, I believe, with what I fear must be called its usual lack of judgment in some such matters, seems never to have read them very widely. An exception, however, may possibly have been made in the case of this first one, opening as it has long done every new issue of the whole set of novels. At anyrate, in one way or another, it is probably known, at least to those who take an interest in Scott, that he had begun Waverley and thrown it aside some ten years before its actual appearance, at a time when he was yet a novice in literature. He had also attempted one or two other things,—a completion of Strutt's Queenhoo Hall, {70} the beginning of a tale about Thomas the Rhymer, etc., which are now appended to the introduction itself,—and he had once, in 1810, resumed Waverley, and again thrown it aside. At last, when his supremacy as a popular poet was threatened by Byron, and when, perhaps, he himself was a little wearying of the verse tale, he discovered the fragment while searching for fishing-tackle in the old desk where he had put it, and after a time resolved to make a new and anonymous attempt on public favour. By the time—1814—when the book actually appeared, considerable changes, both for good and for bad, had occurred in Scott's circumstances; and the total of his literary work, independently of the poems mentioned in the last chapter, had been a good deal increased. Ashestiel had been exchanged for Abbotsford; the new house was being planned and carried out so as to become, if not exactly a palace, something much more than the cottage which had been first talked of; and the owner's passion for buying, at extravagant prices, every neighbouring patch of mostly thankless soil that he could get hold of was growing by indulgence. He himself, in 1811 and the following years, was extremely happy and extremely busy, planting trees, planning rooms, working away at Rokeby and Triermain in the general sitting-room of the makeshift house, with hammering all about him (now, the hammer and the pen are perhaps of all manual implements the most deadly and irreconcilable foes!), corresponding with all sorts and conditions of men; furnishing introductions and contributions (in some cases never yet collected) to all sorts and conditions of books, and struggling, as best he saw his way, though the way was unfortunately not the right one, with the ever-increasing difficulties of Ballantyne {71} & Company. I forget whether there is any evidence that Dickens consciously took his humorous incarnation of the duties of a 'Co.' from Scott's own experience. But Scott as certainly had to provide the money, the sense, the good-humour, and the rest of the working capital as Mark Tapley himself. The merely pecuniary part of these matters may be left to the next chapter; it is sufficient to say that, aggravated by misjudgment in the selection and carrying out of the literary part, it brought the firm in 1814 exceedingly near the complete smash which actually happened ten years later. One is tempted to wish that the crash had come, for it was only averted by the alliance with Constable which was the cause of the final downfall. Also, it would have come at a time when Scott was physically better able to bear it; it could hardly in any degree have interfered with the appearance of Waverley and its followers; and it would have had at least a chance of awakening their author to a sense of the double mistake of engaging his credit in directly commercial concerns, and of sinking his money in land and building. However, things were to be as they were, and not otherwise. How anxious Constable must have been to recover Scott (Hunter, the stone of stumbling, was now removed by death) is evident from the mere list of the titles of the books which he took over in whole or part from the Ballantynes. Even his Napoleonic audacity quailed before the Edinburgh Annual Register, with its handsome annual loss of a thousand a year, at Brewster's Persian Astronomy, in 4to and 8vo, and at General Views of the County of Dumfries. But he saddled himself with a good deal of the 'stock' (which in this case most certainly had not its old sense of 'assets'), and in May 1813, Scott seems to have thought that if John Ballantyne would curb his {72} taste for long-dated bills, things might go well. Unluckily, John did not choose to do so, and Scott, despite the warning, was equally unable to curb his own for peat-bogs, marl-pits, the Cauldshiels Loch, and splendid lots of ancient armour. By July there was again trouble, and in August things were so bad that they were only cleared by Scott's obtaining from the Duke of Buccleuch a guarantee for £4000. It was in consenting to this that the Duke expressed his approval of Scott's determination to refuse the Laureateship, which had been offered to him, and which, in consequence of his refusal and at his suggestion, was conferred upon Southey. Even the guarantee, though it did save the firm, saved it with great difficulty. In the following winter Scott had an adventure with his eccentric German amanuensis, Henry Weber, who had for some time been going mad, and who proposed a duel with pistols (which he produced) to his employer in the study at Castle Street. Swift appeared at last in the summer, and it was in June 1814 that the first of a series of wonderful tours de force was achieved by the completion, in about three weeks, of the last half of Waverley. One of the most striking things in Lockhart is the story of the idle apprentice who became industrious by seeing Scott's hand traversing the paper hour after hour at his study window. The novel actually appeared on July 7, and, being anonymous, made no immediate 'move,' as booksellers say, before Scott set off a fortnight later for his long-planned tour with the Commissioners of Northern Lights—the Scottish Trinity House—in their yacht, round the northern half of the island and to Orkney and Shetland. To abstract his own admirable account of the tour [17] would be a task {73} grateful neither to writer nor to reader, the latter of whom, if he does not know it already, had better lose no time in making its acquaintance. On the return in September, Scott was met by two pieces of bad and good tidings respectively—the death of the Duchess of Buccleuch, and the distinct, though not as yet 'furious,' success of his novel. There is no doubt that the early fragments in tale-telling which have been noticed above do not display any particular skill in the art; nor is there much need to quarrel with those who declare that the opening of Waverley [18] itself ranks little, if at all, above them. I always read it myself; but I believe most people plunge almost at once into the Tullyveolan visit. By doing so, however, they miss not merely the critical pleasure of comparing a man's work (as can rarely be done) during his period of groping for the way, with his actual stumble into it for the first time, but also such justification as there is for the hero's figure. Nobody ever judged the unlucky captain of Gardiner's better than his creator, who at the time frankly called him 'a sneaking piece of imbecility,' and avowed, with as much probability as right, that 'if he had married Flora, she would have set him up on the chimney-piece, as Count Borowlaski's [19] wife used to do.' But his weaknesses have at least an excuse from his education and antecedents, which does not appear if these antecedents are neglected. Still, the story-interest only begins when Waverley rides {74} into the bear-warded avenue; it certainly never ceases till the golden image of the same totem is replaced in the Baron of Bradwardine's hand. And it is very particularly to be observed that this interest is of a kind absolutely novel in combination and idiosyncrasy. The elements of literary interest are nowhere new, except in what is, for aught we know, accidentally the earliest literature to us. They are all to be found in Homer, in the Book of Job, in the Agamemnon, in the Lancelot, in the Poem of the Cid. But from time to time, in the hands of the men of greater genius, they are shaken up afresh, they receive new adjustments, and a touch of something personal which transforms them. This new adjustment and touch produced in Scott's case what we call the Historical Novel. [20] It is quite a mistake to think that he was limited to this. Guy Mannering and The Antiquary among the earlier novels, St. Ronan's Well and the exquisite introductory sketch to the Chronicles of the Canongate among the later, would disprove that. But the historical novel was the new kind that he was 'born to introduce,' after many failures in many generations. It is difficult to say whether it was accident or property which made his success in it co-existent with his success in depicting national character, scenery, and manners. Attempts at this, not always unsuccessful attempts, had indeed been made before. It had been tried frequently, though usually in the sense of caricature, on the stage; it had been done quite recently in the novel by Miss Edgeworth (whom Scott at least professed to regard as his governess here), and much earlier in {75} this very department of Scotch matters by Smollett. But it had never been done with really commanding ability on the great scale. In Waverley Scott supplied these two aspects, the historical-romantic and the national-characteristic, with a felicity perhaps all the more unerring in that it seems to have been only partly conscious. The subject of 'the Forty-five' was now fully out of taboo, and yet retained an interest more than antiquarian. The author had the amplest stores of knowledge, and that sympathy which is so invaluable to the artist when he keeps it within the limits of art. He seems to have possessed by instinct (for there was nobody to teach him) the paramount secret of the historical novelist, the secret of making his central and prominent characters fictitious, and the real ones mostly subsidiary. On the other hand, the knowledge of his native country, which he had been accumulating for almost the whole of his nearly four-and-forty years of life, was joined in him with that universal knowledge of humanity which only men of the greatest genius have. I am, indeed, aware that both these positions have been attacked. I was much pleased, some time after I had begun to write this little book, to find in a review of the present year of grace these words: 'Scott only knew a small portion of human nature, and he was unable to portray the physiognomy of the past.' I feared at first that this might be only one of the numerous flings of our young barbarians, a pleasant, or pleasantly intended, flirt of the heels of the New Humour. But the context showed that the writer was in deadly earnest. I shall not attempt here to explain to him, in a popular or any other style, that he is, perhaps, not quite right. Life itself is not long enough—'little books' are decidedly too short—for a {76} demonstration that the Pacific Ocean is not really a small portion of the terrestrial water-space, or that Alexander was able to overrun foreign countries. We may find a little room in the Conclusion to say something more about Scott's range and his faculty. Here it will be enough to wear our friend's rue with a slight difference, and to say that Waverley and its successors showed in their author knowledge, complete in all but certain small parts, of human nature, and an almost unlimited faculty of portraying the physiognomy of the past. It was scarcely to be expected that a book which was anonymous, and of which only a very few persons knew the real authorship, while even those who guessed it at all early were not so very many, should attain immediate popularity. Lockhart says that the slowness of the success was exaggerated, but his own figures prove that it was somewhat leisurely. Five editions, one (the second) of two thousand, the others of one thousand each, supplied the demand of the first six months, and a thousand copies more that of the next eighteen months—a difference from the almost instantaneous myriads of the poems, quite sufficient to show very eloquently how low the prose novel then stood in popular favour. It is the greatest triumph of Scott, from this low point of view, that his repeated blows heated the public as they did, till at the fourth publication, within but a year or two, Constable actually dared to start with ten thousand copies at once, and they were all absorbed in no time. Scott had always been a rapid worker, but it was only now, under the combined stimulus of the new-found gift, the desire for more land and a statelier Abbotsford, and the pressure of the affairs of Ballantyne & Co., that he {77} began to work at the portentous rate which, though I do not believe that it at all injured the quality of his production, pretty certainly endangered his health. During 1814 he had written nearly all his Life of Swift, nearly all Waverley, the Lord of the Isles, and an abundance of 'small wares,' essays, introductions, and what not. The major part of Guy Mannering—perhaps the very best of the novels, for merit of construction and interest of detail—seems to have been written in less than a month, at the extreme end of this year and the beginning of 1815. The whole appears to have been done in six weeks, to 'shake himself free of Waverley'—probably the most gigantic exhibition of the 'hair of the dog' recorded in literature. The donnée of this novel was furnished by a Dumfries surveyor of taxes, Mr. Train, the scenery by that early visit to Galloway, in the interest of the reverend toyer with sweetie-wives, which has been recorded. Other indebtedness, such as that of Hatteraick to the historical or legendary free-trader, Yawkins, and the like, has been traced. But the charm of the whole lies in none of these things, nor in all together, but in Scott's own fashion of working them up. Nothing at first could seem to be a greater contrast with Waverley than this tale. No big wars, no political hazards; but a double and tenfold portion of human nature and local colour. This last element had in the earlier book been almost entirely supplied by Tullyveolan and its master; for Fergus and the Highland scenes, good as they are, are not much more than a furbishing up of the poem-matter of this kind, especially in the Lady of the Lake. But here the supply of character was liberal and the variety of scenery extraordinary. We cannot judge the innovation fully now, but let anyone turn to the theatrical {78} properties of Godwin and Holcroft, of Mrs. Radcliffe and 'Monk' Lewis, and he will begin to have a better idea of what Guy Mannering must have been to its first readers. As usual, the personages who head the dramatis personæ are not the best. Bertram, though less of a nincompoop than Waverley, is not very much; Lucy is a less lively ange de candeur than Rose, and nothing else; and Julia's genteel-comedy missishness does not do much more than pair off with Flora's tragedy-queen air. 'Mannering, Guy, a Colonel returned from the Indies,' is, perhaps, also too fair a description of the player of the title-part. [21] But we trouble ourselves very little about these persons. As for characters, the author opens fire on us almost at the very first with Dominie Sampson and Meg Merrilees, and the hardly less excellent figure of Bertram's well-meaning booby of a father; gives us barely time to make their acquaintance before we meet Dandie Dinmont; brings up almost superfluous reinforcements with Mr. Pleydell, and throughout throws in Hatteraick and Glossin, Jock Jabos and his mistress, and Sir Robert Haslewood, the company at Kippletringan, and at the funeral, and elsewhere, in the most reckless spirit of literary lavishness. Nor is he less prodigal of incident and scene. The opening passage of Mannering's night-ride could not have been bettered if the painter had taken infinitely more pains. Bertram's walk and the skirmish with the prowlers are simply first-rate; the Edinburgh scenes have {79} always excited admiration as the very best of their kind; and the various passages which lead to the working out of justice on Glossin and Hatteraick are not merely told with a gusto, but arranged with a craftsmanship, of which the latter is unfortunately less often present than the former in the author's later work. There is hardly any book of Scott's on which it is more tempting to dwell than this. Although the demand had not yet reached anything like its height, two thousand copies were sold in forty-eight hours, and five thousand in three months. In March 1815 Scott went to London, and met two persons of distinction, the Regent and Lord Byron. There seems to be a little doubt whether George did or did not adapt the joke of the hanging judge, about 'checkmating this time,' to the authorship of the Waverley novels; but there is no doubt that he was very civil. With Byron Scott was at once on very good terms, for Scott was not the man to bear any grudge for the early fling in English Bards and Scotch Reviewers; and Byron, whatever his faults, 'had more of lion' in him than to be jealous of such a rival. The difference of their characters was such as to prevent them from being in the strict sense friends; and Scott's comparison of Byron, after the separation, to a peacock parted from the hen and lifting up his voice to tell the world about it, has a rather terribly far-reaching justice, both of moral and literary criticism, on that noble bard's whole life and conversation. But there were no little jealousies between them, and apparently some real liking. This visit to London was extended to Brussels and Paris, with the result in verse of the already mentioned and not particularly happy Field of Waterloo, in prose of the interesting Paul's Letters to his Kinsfolk, an account {80} of the tour. Both were published (the poem almost immediately, Paul not till the new year) after Scott's return to Abbotsford at the end of September; and he set to work during the later autumn on his third novel, The Antiquary. The book appeared in May 1816, at about the time of the death of Major John Scott, the last but one of the poet's surviving brothers. It was not at first so popular as Guy Mannering, which, however, it very rapidly caught up even in that respect: nor is this bad start surprising. To good judges nowadays the book appeals as strongly at least as any other of its author's—in fact, Monkbarns and the Mucklebackits, the rescue of Sir Arthur and Isabel, the scenes in the ruins of St. Ruth's, and especially Edie Ochiltree, were never surpassed by him. But the story was a daring innovation, or return, among the novels of its own day. It boldly rejected most of the ordinary sources of romance interest. It had very little plot; its humorous characters, though touched with the rarest art, were not caricatured; and (for which it certainly cannot be praised) that greatest fault of Scott's,—perhaps his only great fault as a novelist,—the 'huddling up' of the end, appears in it for the first, though unluckily by no means for the last, time. But it would have been a very sad thing for the public taste if it had definitely refused The Antiquary. A book which contains within the compass of the opening chapters such masterpieces as the journey to the Hawes, the description of the Antiquary's study, and the storm and rescue, must have had a generation of idiots for an audience if it had not been successful. Moreover, it had, as Scott's unwearied biographer has already noted, a new and special source of interest in the admirable fragmentary mottoes, invented to save the greater labour of discovery, which {81} adorn its chapter-headings. [22] Lockhart himself thought that Scott never quite equalled these first three novels. I cannot agree with him there; but what is certain is that he in them discovered, with extraordinary felicity, skill in three different kinds of novel—the historical, the romantic-adventurous, and that of ordinary or almost wholly ordinary life; and that even he never exactly added a fourth kind to his inventions, though he varied them wonderfully within themselves. The romance partly historical, the romance mainly or wholly fictitious, and the novel of manners; these were his three classes, and hardly any others. It is not entirely explained what were the reasons which determined Scott to make his next venture, the Tales of my Landlord, under a fresh pseudonym, and also to publish it not with Constable, but with Murray and Blackwood. Lockhart's blame of John Ballantyne may not be unfair; but it is rather less supported by documentary evidence than most of his strictures on the Ballantynes. And the thing is perhaps to be sufficiently accounted for by Scott's double dislike, both as an independent person and a man of business, of giving a monopoly of his work to one publisher, and by his constant fancy for trying experiments on the public—a fancy itself not wholly, though partially, comprehensible. As a matter of fact, Old Mortality and the Black Dwarf {82} were offered to and pretty eagerly accepted by Murray and Blackwood, on the terms of half profits and the inevitable batch of 'old stock.' The story of the unlucky quarrel with Blackwood in consequence of some critical remarks of his on the end of the Black Dwarf,—remarks certainly not inexcusable,—and of Scott's famous letter in reply, will doubtless receive further elucidation in the forthcoming chronicle of the House of 'Ebony'; but it is told with fair detail, in the second edition of Lockhart, from the actual archives. Scott doubled his work during the summer and autumn by undertaking the historical department, relinquished by Southey, of the Edinburgh Annual Register, yet the two Tales were ready in November, and appeared on the 1st of December 1816. Murray wrote effusively to Scott (who, it must be remembered, was not even to his publishers the known author), and received a very amusing reply, from which one sentence may be quoted as an example of those which have brought upon Sir Walter the reproach of falsehood, or at least disingenuousness, from Goodman Dull. 'I assure you,' he writes, 'I have never read a volume of them till they were printed,' a delightful selection of words, for it looks decisive, and means absolutely nothing. Nobody but a magician, and no ordinary magician, could read a volume (which in the usual parlance means a printed volume) before it was printed. To back his disclaimer, Scott offered to review himself in the Quarterly, which he did. I certainly do not approve of authors being their own reviewers; though when (as sometimes happens) they have any brains, they probably know the faults and merits of their books better than anyone else, and can at anyrate state, with a precision which is too rare in the ordinary critic, what the book is meant {83} to be and tries to do. But this case was clearly one out of the common way, and rather part of an elaborate practical joke than anything else. Dulness, however, had in many ways found stumbling-blocks in the first foster-children of the excellent Jedediah. The very pious and learned, if not exactly humorous or shrewd, Dr. M'Crie, fell foul of the picture of the Covenanters given in Old Mortality. No one who knows the documents is likely to agree with him now, and from hardly any point of view but his could the greatness of the book be denied. Although Scott's humour is by no means absent from it, that quality does not perhaps find quite such an opportunity, even in Mause and Cuddie, as in the Baron, and the Dominie, and the inhabitants of Monkbarns. But as a historical novel, it is a far greater one than Waverley. Drumclog, the siege of Tillietudlem, above all, the matchless scene where Morton is just saved from murder by his own party, surpass anything in the earlier book. But greater than any of these single things is one of the first and the greatest of Scott's splendid gallery of romantic-historic portraits, the stately figure of Claverhouse. All the features which he himself was to sum up in that undying sentence of Wandering Willie's Tale later are here put in detail and justified. As for the companion to this masterly book, I have always thought the earlier part of the Black Dwarf as happy as all but the best of Scott's work. But the character of the Dwarf himself was not one that he could manage. The nullity of Earnscliff and Isabel is complete. Isabel's father is a stagy villain, or rather rascal (for Victor Hugo's antithesis between scélérat and maroufle comes in here), and even Scott has never hustled off a conclusion with such complete insouciance {84} as to anything like completeness. Willie of Westburnflat here, like Christie of the Clinthill later, is one of our old friends of the poems back again, and welcome back again. But he and Hobbie can hardly save a book which Scott seems to have thrown in with its admirable companion, not as a makeweight, but rather as a foil. Between the first and the second sets of Tales, the 'Author of Waverley,' true to his odd design of throwing the public off the scent, reappeared, and the result was Rob Roy. Perhaps because it was written under the first attacks of that 'cramp of the stomach' which, though obscurely connected with his later and more fatal ailments, no doubt ushered them in something more than an accidental manner, Scott did not at first much like Rob. But he was reconciled later; and hardly anybody else (except those exceedingly unhappy persons who cannot taste him at all) can ever have had any doubt about it. That the end is even more than usually huddled, that the beginning may perhaps have dawdled a little over commercial details (I do not think so myself, but Lady Louisa Stuart did), and that the distribution of time, which lingers over weeks and months before and after it devotes almost the major part of the book to the events of forty-eight hours, is irregular, even in the eyes of those who are not serfs to the unities, cannot be denied. But almost from the introduction of Frank to Diana, certainly from his setting off in the grey of the morning with Andrew Fairservice, to the point at least where the heroine stoops from her pony in a manner equally obliging and graceful, there is no dropped stitch, no false note. Nor in any book are there so many of Scott's own characters, and others not quite so much his own. Helen Macgregor, perhaps, does not 'thrill our blood and overpower {85} our reason,' as she did Lady Louisa's, simply because we were born some hundred years later than that acute and accomplished granddaughter of Lady Mary; and Rashleigh pretty frequently, Rob himself now and then, may also savour to us a little of the boards and the sawdust. But, as a rule, Rob does not; and for nobody else, not even for the fortunate Frank,—who has nothing to do but to walk through his part creditably, and does it,—need any allowance be made. The Bailie is, with Shallow, his brother justice (upon whom he justly looks down, but to whom he is, I think, kind) in Arthur's bosom; Andrew Fairservice and the Dougal creature, Justice Inglewood and Sir Hildebrand, are there too. As for Die Vernon, she is the one of Scott's heroines with whom one has to fall in love, just as, according to a beautiful story, a thoughtless and reluctant world had to believe the Athanasian Creed. It is painful to say that persons on whom it is impossible to retort the charge, have sometimes insinuated a touch of vulgarity in Di. For these one can but pray; and, after all, they are usually of her sex, which in such judgments of itself counts not. All men, who are men and gentlemen, must delight in her. And here, as always, to all but the very last, even in the twilight of Anne of Geierstein, the succession of scenes hurries the reader along without breath or time to stop and criticise, with nothing to do, if he is a reasonable person, but to read and enjoy and admire. Lockhart has taken the opportunity of this point of time (1817-1818), which may be said to mark the zenith of Scott's prosperity, if not of his fame, to halt and to give a sort of survey of his father-in-law's private life at Castle Street and at Abbotsford. It forms one of the pleasantest portions of his book, containing nothing more {86} tragic than the advent of the famous American tragedy of The Cherokee Lovers, which its careful author sent, that Scott might approve and publish it, in duplicate, so that the unfortunate recipient had to pay five pounds twice over for the postage of the rubbish. Of course things were not entirely as they seemed. The cramps with which, as mentioned, Scott had been already seized, during the progress of Rob Roy, were, though probably not caused, yet all too much helped and hastened, by the ferocious manner in which he worked his brains. For it must be doubted whether social intercourse, or even bodily exercise in company with others, is really the best refreshment after very severe mental labour. Both distract and amuse; but they do not refresh, relax, relieve, like a bath of pure solitude. Divers events of importance happened to Scott, in the later course of the year 1818 [23] (besides a much worse recurrence of his disorder), after the Heart of Midlothian (the second series of the Tales) had been published in June, and the Bride of Lammermoor (the third series) had been begun. The Duke of Buccleuch, his chief, his (as he would himself have cheerfully allowed) patron, his helper in time of need, and his most intimate friend, died. So did his brother-in-law, Charles Carpenter, this latter death adding considerably, though to an extent {87} exaggerated at first and only reversionary, to the prospects of Scott's children. He gave up an idea, which he had for some time held, of obtaining a judgeship of the Scotch Exchequer; but he received his baronetcy in April 1820. Abbotsford went on gradually and expensively completing itself; the correspondence which tells us so much and is such delightful reading continued, as if the writer had nothing else to write and nothing else to do. But for us the chief matters of interest are the two novels mentioned, and that admirable supplement to the second of them, the Legend of Montrose. There can be little doubt, I think, that in at least passages, and those very large ones, of the Heart of Midlothian, Scott went as high as he ever had done, or ever did thereafter. I have never agreed with Lady Louisa Stuart that 'Mr. Saddletree is not amusing,' nor that there is too much Scots law for English readers. It must be remembered that until Scott opened people's eyes, there were some very singular conventions and prejudices, even in celestial minds, about novels. Technical details were voted tedious and out of place—as, Heaven knows! M. Zola and others have shown us since, that they may very easily be made. Professional matters, the lower middle classes, etc., were thought 'low,' as Goldsmith's audience had had it, 'vulgar,' as Madame de Staël said of Miss Austen. That the farrago of the novelist's book is absolutely universal and indiscriminate, provided only that he knows what to do with it, had not dawned on the general mind. On the other hand, Lady Louisa was right in objecting to the finale,—it has been admitted that Scott was never good at a conclusion,—and personally I have always thought George Staunton uninteresting throughout. But how much {88} does this leave! The description of the lynching of Porteous and the matchless interview with Queen Caroline are only the very best of such a series of good things that, except just at the end, it may be said to be uninterrupted. Jeanie it is unnecessary to praise; the same Lady Louisa's admiration of the wonderful art which could attract so much interest to a plain, good, not clever, almost middle-aged woman sums up all. But almost everyone plays up to Jeanie in perfection—her father and, to no small extent, her sister, her husband and Dumbiedykes, Madge Wildfire (a most difficult and most successful character) and her old fiend of a mother, the Duke and the tobacco-shop keeper. Abundant as are the good things afterwards, I do not know that Scott ever showed his actual original genius, his faculty of creation and combination, to such an extent and in such proportion again. He certainly did not, so far as my taste goes, in The Bride of Lammermoor, a book which, putting the mere fragment of the Black Dwarf aside, seems to me his first approach to failure in prose. Lockhart, whose general critical opinions deserve the profoundest respect, thought differently—thought it, indeed, 'the most pure and perfect of all the tragedies that Scott ever penned.' Perhaps there is something in this of the same ingenuity which Scott himself showed in his disclaimer to Murray quoted above, for tragedy per se was certainly not Scott's forte to the same extent as were comedy and history. But I know that there are many who agree with Lockhart. On the other hand, I should say that while we do not know enough of the House of Ravenswood to feel much sympathy with its fortunes as a house, the 'conditions,' in the old sense, of its last representative are not such as to attract us much to him personally. He is already {89} far too much of that hero of opera which he was destined to become, a sulky, stagy creature, in theatrical poses and a black-plumed hat, who cannot even play the easy and perennially attractive part of desdichado so as to keep our compassion. Lucy is a simpleton so utter and complete that it is difficult even to be sorry for her, especially as Ravenswood would have made a detestable husband. The mother is meant to be and is a repulsive virago, and the father a time-serving and almost vulgar intriguer. Moreover—and all this is not in the least surprising, since he was in agonies during most of the composition, and nearly died before its close [24] —the author has, contrary to his wont, provided very few subsidiary characters to support or carry off the principals. Caleb Balderstone has been perhaps unduly objected to by the very persons who praise the whole book; but he is certainly somewhat of what the French call a charge. Bucklaw, though agreeable, is very slight; Craigengelt a mere 'super'; the Marquis shadowy. Even such fine things as the hags at the laying-out, and the visit of Lucy and her father to Wolf's Crag, and such amusing ones as Balderstone's fabliau-like expedients to raise the wind in the matter of food, hardly save the situation; and though the tragedy of the end is complete, it leaves {90} me, I own, rather cold. [25] One is sorry for Lucy, but it was really her own fault—a Scottish maiden is not usually unaware of the possibilities and advantages of 'kilting her coats of green satin' and flying from the lad she does not love to the lad she does. The total disappearance of Edgar is the best thing that could happen to him, and the only really satisfactory point is Bucklaw's very gentlemanlike sentence of arrest on all impertinent questioners. But if the companion of the first set of Tales was a dead-weight rather than a make-weight, the make-weight of the third would have atoned for anything. Sometimes I think, allowing for scale and conditions, that Scott never did anything much better than A Legend of Montrose. First, it is pervaded by the magnificent figure of Dugald Dalgetty. Secondly, the story, though with something of the usual huddle at the end, is interesting throughout, with the minor figures capitally sketched in. Menteith, though merely outlined, is a good fellow, a gentleman, and not a stick; Allan escapes the merely melodramatic; 'Gillespie Grumach' is masterly in his brief appearances; and Montrose himself seems to me to be brought in with a skill which has too often escaped notice. For it would mar the story to deal with the tragedy of his end, and his earlier history is a little awkward to manage. Moreover, that faculty of hurrying on the successive tableaux which is so conspicuous in most of Scott's work, and so conspicuously absent in the Bride (where there are long passages with no action at all) is eminently present here. The meeting with Dalgetty; the night at Darnlinvarach, from the bravado of the candlesticks to Menteith's tale; {91} the gathering and council of the clans; the journey of Dalgetty, with its central point in the Inverary dungeon; the escape; and the battle of Inverlochy,—these form an exemplary specimen of the kind of interest which Scott's best novels possess as nothing of the kind had before possessed it, and as few things out of Dumas have possessed it since. Nor can the most fervent admirer of Chicot and of Porthos—I know none more fervent than myself—say in cool blood that their creator could have created Dalgetty, who is at once an admirable human being, a wonderful national type of the more eccentric kind, and the embodiment of an astonishing amount of judiciously adjusted erudition. Many incidents of interest and some of importance occurred in Scott's private life between the date of 1818 and that of 1820, besides those mentioned already. One of these was the acquisition by Constable of the whole of his back-copyrights for the very large sum of twelve thousand pounds, a contract supplemented twice later in 1821 and 1823 by fresh purchases of rights as they accrued for nominal sums of eleven thousand pounds in addition. Unfortunately, this transaction, like almost all his later ones, was more fictitious than real. And though it was lucky that the publisher never discharged the full debt, so that when his bankruptcy occurred something was saved out of the wreck which would otherwise have been pure loss, the proceeding is characteristic of the mischievously unreal system of money transactions which brought Scott to ruin. Except for small things like review articles, etc., and for his official salaries, he hardly ever touched real money for the fifteen most prosperous years of his life, between 1810 and 1825. Promises to receive were interchanged with promises to pay in such a bewildering fashion that {92} unless he had kept a chartered accountant of rather unusual skill and industry perpetually at work, it must have been utterly impossible for him to know at any given time what he had, what he owed, what was due to him, and what his actual income and expenditure were. The commonly accepted estimate is that during the most flourishing time, 1820-1825, he made about fifteen thousand a year, and on paper he probably did. Nor can he ever have spent, in the proper sense of the term, anything like that sum, for the Castle Street house cannot have cost, even with lavish hospitality, much to keep up, and the Abbotsford establishment, though liberal, was never ostentatious. But when large lump sums are constantly expended in purchases of land, building, furnishing, and the like; when every penny of income except official salaries goes through a complicated process of abatement in the way of discounts for six and twelve months' bills, fines for renewal, payments to banks for advances and the like—the 'clean' sums available at any given moment bear quite fantastic and untrustworthy relations to their nominal representatives. It may be strongly suspected, from the admitted decrease of a very valuable practice under Walter Scott père, and from its practical disappearance under Thomas, that the genius of the Scott family did not precisely lie in the management of money. The marriage of Sophia Scott to Lockhart, and the purchase of a commission for her eldest brother Walter in the 18th Hussars, made gaps in Scott's family circle, and also, beyond all doubt, in his finances. The first was altogether happy for him. It did not, for at anyrate some years, absolutely sever him from the dearest of his children, a lady who, to judge from her portraits, must have been of singular charm, and who seems to {93} have been the only one of the four with much of his mental characteristics; it provided him with an agreeable companion, a loyal friend, and an incomparable biographer. Of Sir Walter Scott the second and last, not much personal idea is obtainable. The few anecdotes handed down, and his father's letters to him (we have no replies), suggest a good sort of person, slightly 'chuckle-headed' and perfervid in the wrong places, with next to no intellectual gifts, and perhaps more his mother's son than his father's. He had some difficulties in his first regiment, which seems to have been a wild one, and not in the best form; he married an heiress of the unpoetical name of Jobson, to whom and of whom his father writes with a pretty old-fashioned affection and courtesy, which perhaps gave Thackeray some traits for Colonel Newcome. Of the younger brother Charles, an Oxford man, who went into the Foreign Office, even less is recorded than of Walter. Anne Scott, the third of the family, and the faithful attendant of her father in his last evil days, died in her sister's house shortly after Sir Walter, and Mrs. Lockhart herself followed before the Life was finished. Scott can hardly be said to have bequeathed good luck to any of these his descendants. It was at the end of 1819, after Walter the younger left home, and before Sophia's marriage, that the next in order of the Waverley Novels (now again such by title, and not Tales of my Landlord) appeared. This was Ivanhoe, which was published in a rather costlier shape than its forerunners, and yet sold to the extent of twelve thousand copies in its three-volume form. Lockhart, perhaps with one of the few but graceful escapes of national predilection (it ought not to be called prejudice) to be noticed in him, pronounces this a greater {94} work of art, but a less in genius than its purely Scottish predecessors. As there is nothing specially English in Ivanhoe, but only an attempt to delineate Normans and Saxons before the final blend was formed, an Englishman may, perhaps, claim at least impartiality if he accepts the positive part of Lockhart's judgment and demurs to the negative. Although the worst of Scott's cramps were past, he was still in anything but good health when he composed the novel, most of which was dictated, not written; and his avocations and bodily troubles together may have had something to do with those certainly pretty flagrant anachronisms which have brought on Ivanhoe the wrath of Dryasdust. But Dryasdust is adeo negligibile ut negligibilius nihil esse possit, and the book is a great one from beginning to end. The mere historians who quarrel with it have probably never read the romances which justify it, even from the point of view of literary 'document.' The picturesque opening; the Shakespearean character of Wamba; the splendid Passage of Arms; the more splendid siege of Torquilstone; the gathering up of a dozen popular stories of the 'King-and-the-Tanner' kind into the episodes of the Black Knight and the Friar; the admirable, if a little conventional, sketch of Bois-Guilbert, the pendant in prose to Marmion; the more admirable contrast of Rebecca and Rowena; and the final Judgment of God, which for once vindicates Scott from the charge of never being able to wind up a novel,—with such subsidiary sketches as Gurth, Prior Aymer, Isaac, Front-de-Bœuf (Urfried, I fear, will not quite do, except in the final interview with her tempter-victim), Athelstane, and others—give such a plethora of creative and descriptive wealth as nobody but Scott has ever put together in prose. Even the nominal hero, it is to be observed, escapes the {95} curse of most of Scott's young men (the young men to several of whom Thackeray would have liked to be mother-in-law), and if he is not worthy of Rebecca, he does not get her. As for Richard, no doubt, he is not the Richard of history, but what does that matter? He is a most admirable re-creation, softened and refined, of the Richard of a romance which, be it remembered, is itself in all probability as old as the thirteenth century. After speaking frankly of the Bride of Lammermoor and of some others of Scott's works, it may perhaps be permissible to rate the successor to Ivanhoe rather higher than it was rated at the time, or than it has generally been rated since. The Monastery was at its appearance (March 1820) regarded as a failure; and quite recently a sincere admirer of Scott confided to a fellow in that worship the opinion that 'a good deal of it really is rot, you know.' I venture to differ. Undoubtedly it does not rank with the very best, or even next to them. In returning to Scottish ground, Scott may have strengthened himself on one side, but from the distance of the times and the obscure and comparatively uninteresting period which he selected (just after the strange and rapid panorama of the five Jameses and before the advent of Queen Mary), he lost as much as he gained. An intention, afterwards abandoned, to make yet a fresh start, and try a new double on the public by appearing neither as 'Author of Waverley' nor as Jedediah Cleishbotham, may have hampered him a little, though it gave a pleasant introduction. The supernatural part, though much better, as it seems to me, than is generally admitted, is no doubt not entirely satisfactory, being uncertainly handled, and subject to the warning of Nec deus intersit. There is some return of that superabundance {96} of interval and inaction which has been noted in the Bride. And, above all, there appears here a fault which had not been noticeable before, but which was to increase upon Scott,—the fault of introducing a character as if he were to be of great pith and moment, and then letting his interest, as the vernacular says, 'tail off.' The trouble taken about Halbert by personages natural and supernatural promises the case of some extraordinary figure, and he is but very ordinary. Still, at the works of how many novelists except Scott should we grumble, if we had the admirable descriptions of Glendearg, the scenes in the Abbey, the night-ride of poor Father Philip, the escape from the Castle of Avenel, the passage of the interview of Halbert with Murray and Morton? Even the episode of Sir Piercie Shafton, though it is most indisputably true that Scott has not by any means truly represented Euphuism, is good and amusing in itself; while there are those who boldly like the White Lady personally. She is more futile than a sprite beseems; but she is distinctly 'nice.' At any rate, nobody could (or indeed did) deny that the author, six months later, made up for any shortcoming in The Abbot, where, except the end (eminently of the huddled order), everything is as it should be. The heroine is, except Die Vernon, Scott's masterpiece in that kind, while all the Queen Mary scenes are unsurpassed in him, and rarely equalled out of him. Nor was there any falling off in Kenilworth (Jan. 1821), where he again shifted his scene to England. He has not indeed interested us very much personally in Amy Robsart, but as a hapless heroine she is altogether the superior of Lucy Ashton. The book is, among his, the 'novel without a hero,' and, considering his defects in that direction, this was hardly a drawback. It cannot {97} be indeed said to have any one minor character which is a success of the first class. But the whole is interesting throughout. The journeys of Tressilian to Devonshire and of Amy and Wayland to Kenilworth have the curious attraction which Scott, a great traveller, and a lover of it, knew how to give to journeys, and the pageantry and Court scenes, at Greenwich and elsewhere, command admiration. Indeed, Kenilworth equals any of the novels in sustained variety of interest, and, unlike too many of them, it comes to a real end. It was in 1821 that a book now necessarily much forgotten and even rare (it is comparatively seldom that one sees it in catalogues), Adolphus's Letters on the Author of Waverley, at once showed the interest taken in the identity of the 'Great Unknown,' and fixed it as being that of the author of the Lay, with a great deal of ingenuity and with a most industrious abundance of arguments, bad and good. After such a proof of public interest, neither Scott nor Constable could be much blamed for working what has been opprobriously called the 'novel manufactory' at the highest pressure; and The Pirate, The Fortunes of Nigel, Peveril of the Peak, Quentin Durward, St. Ronan's Well, and Redgauntlet were written and published in the closest succession. These books, almost all of wonderful individual excellence (Peveril, I think, is the only exception), and of still more wonderful variety, were succeeded, before the crash of 1825-26, by the Tales of the Crusaders, admirable in part, if not wholly. When we think that all these were, with some other work, accomplished in less than five years, it scarcely seems presumption in the author to have executed, or rashness in the bookseller to have suggested, a contract for four of them in a batch—a batch unnamed, unplanned, not even yet in embryo, {98} but simply existing in potentia in the brain of Walter Scott himself. In surveying together this batch, written when the first novelty of the novels was long over, and before there was any decadence, one obtains, as well perhaps as from any other division of his works, an idea of their author's miraculous power. Many novelists since have written as much or more in the same time. But their books for the most part, even when well above the average, popular, and deservedly popular too, leave next to no trace on the mind. You do not want to read them again; you remember, even with a strong memory, nothing special about their plots; above all, their characters take little or no hold on the mind in the sense of becoming part of its intellectual circle and range. How different is it with these six or eight novels, 'written with as much care as the others, that is to say, with none at all,' as the author wickedly remarked! The Pirate (December 1821) leads off, its scenery rendered with the faithfulness of recent memory, and yet adjusted and toned by the seven years' interval since Scott yachted round Orkney and Shetland. Here are the admirable characters of Brenda (slight yet thoroughly pleasing), and her father, the not too melodramatic ones of Minna, Cleveland, and Norna, the triumph of Claud Halcro (to whom few do justice), and again, the excellent keeping of story and scenery to character and incident. The Fortunes of Nigel (May 1822) originated in a proposed series of 'Letters of the Seventeenth Century,' in which others were to take part, and perhaps marks a certain decline, though only in senses to be distinctly defined and limited. Nothing that Scott ever did is better than the portrait of King James, which, in the absence of one from the hand {99} of His Majesty's actual subject for some dozen years, Mr. William Shakespeare of New Place, Stratford, is probably the most perfect thing of the kind that ever could have been or can be done. And the picture of Whitefriars, though it is borrowed to a great extent, and rather anticipated in point of time, from Shadwell's Squire of Alsatia, sixty or seventy years after date, is of the finest, whilst Sir Mungo Malagrowther [26] all but deserves the same description. But this most cantankerous knight is not touched off with the completeness of Dalgetty, or even of Claud Halcro. Lord Glenvarloch adds, to the insipidity which is the bane of Scott's good heroes, some rather disagreeable traits which none of them had hitherto shown. Dalgarno in the same way falls short of his best bad heroes. Dame Suddlechop suggests, for the first time unfavourably, a Shakespearean ancestress, Mistress Quickly, and the story halts and fails to carry the reader rapidly over the stony path. Even Richie Moniplies, even Gentle Geordie, good as both are, fall short of their predecessors. Ten years earlier The Fortunes of Nigel would have been a miracle, and one might have said, 'If a man begins like this, what will he do later?' Now, thankless and often uncritical as is the chatter about 'writing out,' we can hardly compare Nigel with Guy Mannering, or Rob Roy, or even The Abbot, and not be conscious of something that (to use a favourite quotation of Scott's own), 'doth appropinque an end,' though an end as yet afar off. The 'bottom of the sack,' as the French say, is a long way from us; but it is within measurable distance. {100} Even a friendly critic must admit that this distance seemed to be alarmingly shortened by Peveril of the Peak (January 1823), which among the full-sized novels seems to me quite his least good book, worse even than 'dotages,' as they are sometimes thought, like Anne of Geierstein and Count Robert. No one has defended the story, which, languid as it is, is made worse by the long gaps between the passages that ought to be interesting, and by a (for Scott) quite abnormal and portentous absence of really characteristic characters. Lockhart pleads for some of these, but I fear the plea can hardly be admitted. I imagine that those who read Scott pretty regularly are always sorely tempted to skip Peveril altogether, and that when they do read it, they find the chariot wheels drive with a heaviness of which elsewhere they are entirely unconscious. But in the same year (1823), Quentin Durward not only made up for Peveril, but showed Scott's powers to be at least as great as when he wrote The Abbot, if not as great as ever. He has taken some liberties with history, but no more than he was perfectly entitled to take; he has paid the historic muse with ample interest for anything she lent him, by the magnificent sketch of Louis and the fine one of Charles; he has given a more than passable hero in Quentin, and a very agreeable if not ravishing heroine in Isabelle. Above all, he has victoriously shown his old faculty of conducting the story with such a series of enthralling, even if sometimes episodic passages, that nobody but a pedant of 'construction' would care to inquire too narrowly whether they actually make a whole. Quentin's meeting with the King and his rescue from Tristan by the archers; the interviews between Louis and Crevecœur, and Louis and the Astrologer; the journey {101} (another of Scott's admirable journeys); the sack of Schonwaldt, and the feast of the Boar of Ardennes; Louis in the lion's den at Peronne,—these are things that are simply of the first order. Nor need the conclusion, which has shocked some, shock any who do not hold, with critics of the Rymer school, that 'the hero ought always to be successful.' For as Quentin wins Isabelle at last, what more success need we want? and why should not Le Balafré, that loyal Leslie, be the instrument of his nephew's good fortune? The recovery was perfectly well maintained in St. Ronan's Well (still 1823) and Redgauntlet (1824), the last novels of full length before the downfall. They were also, be it noticed, the first planned (while Quentin itself was completed) after some early symptoms of apoplectic seizure, which might, even if they had not been helped by one of the severest turns of fortune that any man ever experienced, have punished Scott's daring contempt of ordinary laws in the working of his brains. [27] The harm done to St. Ronan's Well by the author's submission to James Ballantyne's Philistine prudery in protesting against the original story (in which Clara did not discover the cheat put on her till a later period than the ceremony) is generally acknowledged. As it is, not merely is the whole thing made a much ado about nothing,—for no law and no Church in Christendom would have hesitated to declare the nullity of a marriage which had never been consummated, and which was celebrated while one of the parties took the other for some one else,—but Clara's shattered reason, {102} Tyrrel's despair, and Etherington's certainty that he has the cards in his hand, are all incredible and unaccountable—mere mid-winter madness. Nevertheless, this, Scott's only attempt at actual contemporary fiction, has extraordinary interest and great merit as such, while Meg Dods would save half a dozen novels, and the society at the Well is hardly inferior. And then came Redgauntlet. A great lover of Scott once nearly invoked the assistance of Captain M'Turk to settle matters with a friend of his who would not pronounce Redgauntlet the best of all the novels, and would only go so far as to admit that it contains some, and many, of the best things. The best as a novel it cannot be called, because the action is desultory in the extreme. There are wide gaps even in the chain of story interest that does exist, and the conclusion, admirable in itself, has even for Scott a too audacious disconnection with any but the very faintest concern of the nominally first personages. But even putting 'Wandering Willie's Tale' aside, and taking for granted the merits of that incomparable piece (of which, it may yet be gently hinted, it was not so very long ago still a singularity and mark of daring to perceive the absolute supremacy), the good things in this fascinating book defy exaggeration. The unique autobiographic interest—so fresh and keen and personal, and yet so free from the odious intrusion of actual personality—of the earlier epistolary presentment of Saunders and Alan Fairford, of Darsie and Green Mantle; Peter Peebles, peer of Scott's best; Alan's journey and Darsie's own wanderings; the scenes at the Provost's dinner-table and in Tam Turnpenny's den; that unique figure, the skipper of the Jumping Jenny; the extraordinarily effective presentment of Prince Charles, {103} already in his decadence, if not yet in his dotage; the profusion of smaller sketches and vignettes everywhere grouped round the mighty central triumph of the adventures of Piper Steenie,—who but Scott has done such things? He never put so much again in a single book. There is something in it which it is hardly fanciful to take as a 'note of finishing,' as the last piece of the work, that, gigantic as it was, was not exactly collar work, not sheer hewing of wood and drawing of water for the taskmasters. And it was fitting that the book, so varied, so fresh, so gracious and kindly, so magnificent in part, with a magnificence dominating Scott's usual range, should begin with the beginnings of his own career, and should end with the practical finish, not merely of the good days, but of the days that dawned with any faint promise of goodness, in the career of the last hope of the Jacobite cause. {104} CHAPTER V THE DOWNFALL OF BALLANTYNE & COMPANY Redgauntlet, it has been said, was the last novel on the full scale before the downfall of Scott's prosperity. But before this he had begun The Life of Napoleon and Woodstock, and, in June 1825, had published the Tales of the Crusaders, which contain some work almost, if not quite, equal to his best, and which obtained at first a greater popularity than their immediate predecessors. It was, and generally is, held that The Betrothed, the earlier of the two, was saved by The Talisman; and there can be no doubt that this latter is the better. Contrary to the wont of novelists, Scott was at least as happy with Richard here as he had been in Ivanhoe, and though he owed a good deal in both to the presentation of his hero in the very interesting romance published by his old secretary Weber,—one of the best of all the English verse romances and the first English poem to show a really English patriotism,—he owed nothing but suggestion. The duel at the Diamond in the Desert is admittedly one of the happiest things of the kind by a master in that kind, and if the adventures in the chapel of Engedi are both a little farcical and a little 'apropos of nothing in particular,' the story nowhere else halts or fails till it reaches its real 'curtain' with the second Accipe hoc! If it had been {105} longer, it might not have been so strong, but as it is, it is nearly perfect. But there is also more good in The Betrothed than it is usual to allow. The beginning, the siege of the Garde Doloureuse, and the ghostly adventure of Eveline at the Saxon manor are excellent; while, even later, Scott has entangled the evidence against Damian and the heroine with not a little of the skill which he had shown in compromising Waverley. Had not James Ballantyne dashed the author's spirits with some of his cavillings, the whole might have been as much of a piece as The Talisman is. Indeed, it must be confessed that, though Lockhart is generous enough on this point to the man to whom he has been accused of being unjust, we have very little evidence of any improvement in Scott's work due to James, while we know that he did harm not once only. But, as it stands, the book no doubt exhibits the usual faults, that languishing of the middle action, for instance, which injures The Bride of Lammermoor and The Monastery, together with the much more common huddling and improbability of the conclusion. But we know that this last was put on hurriedly, against the grain, and after the author, disgusted by the grumblings of others, had relinquished his work; so that we cannot greatly wonder. It is impossible here to depict in detail Scott's domestic life during the years which passed since we last noticed it, and which represent the most flourishing time of his worldly circumstances. The estate of Abbotsford gradually grew, always at fancy prices, till the catastrophe itself finally prevented an expenditure of £40,000 in a lump on more land. The house grew likewise to its hundred and fifty feet of front, its slightly confused but not disagreeable external muddle of styles, {106} and reproductions, and incorporated fragments, and its internal blend of museum and seignorial hall. It was practically completed and splendidly 'house-warmed' to celebrate the marriage (3rd February 1825) of the heir, on whom both house and estate were settled, with no very fortunate result. Between it and Castle Street the family oscillated as usual, when summer and winter, term and vacation, called them. At Abbotsford open house was always kept to a Noah's ark-full of visitors, invited and uninvited, high and low, and Castle Street saw more modest but equally cordial and constant hospitalities, in which the Lockharts were pretty frequent participators; while their country home at Chiefswood was a sort of escaping place for Sir Walter when visitors made Abbotsford unbearable. The 'Abbotsford Hunt' yearly rejoiced the neighbours; and though, as his health grew weaker, Scott's athletic and sporting exercises were necessarily and with insidious encroachment curtailed, he still did all he could in this way. In 1822 there was the great visit of George IV. to Scotland, wherein Sir Walter took a part which was only short, if short at all, of principal; and of this Lockhart has left one of his liveliest and most pleasantly subacid accounts. Visits to England were not unfrequent; and at last, in the summer of 1825, Scott made a journey, which was a kind of triumphal progress, to Ireland, with his daughter Anne and Lockhart as companions. The party returned by way of the Lakes, and the triumph was, as it were, formally wound up at Windermere in a regatta, with Wilson for admiral of the lake and Canning for joint-occupant of the triumphal boat. 'It was roses, roses all the way,' till in the autumn of the year the rue began, according to its custom, to take their place. The immediate cause of the disaster was Scott's secret {107} partnership in the house of Ballantyne & Co., which, dragged down by the greater concerns of Constable & Co. in Edinburgh and Hurst, Robinson, & Co. in London, failed for the nominal amount of £117,000 at the end of January 1826. [28] Their assets were, in the first place, claims on the two other firms, which realised a mere trifle; and, in the second place, the property, the genius, the life, and the honour of Sir Walter Scott. When one has to deal briefly with very complicated and much-debated matters, there is nothing more important than to confine the dealing to as few points as possible. We may, I think, limit the number here to two,—the nature and amount of the indebtedness itself, and the manner in which it was met. The former, except so far as the total figures on the debtor side are concerned, is the question most in dispute. That the printing business of Ballantyne & Co. (the publishing business had lost heavily, but it had long ceased to be a drain), in the ordinary literal sense owed £117,000—that is to say, that it had lost that sum in business, or that the partners had overdrawn to that amount—nobody contends. Lockhart's account, based on presumably accurate information, not merely from his father-in-law's papers, but from Cadell, Constable's partner, is that the losses were due partly to the absolutely unbusinesslike conduct of the concern, and the neglect for many years to come to a clear understanding what its profits were and what they were not; partly to the ruinous system of eternally interchanged and renewed bills, so that, for instance, sums which Constable nominally paid years before were not actually liquidated at the time of the {108} smash; but most of all to a proceeding which seems to pass the bounds of recklessness on one side, and to enter pretty deeply into those of fraud on the other. This is the celebrated affair of the counter-bills, things, according to Lockhart, representing no consideration or value received of any kind, but executed as a sort of collateral security to Constable when he discounted any of John Ballantyne's innumerable acceptances, and intended for use only if the real and original bills were not met. Still, according to Lockhart, this system was continued long after there was any special need for it, and a mass of counter-bills, for which the Ballantynes had never had the slightest value, and the amount of which they had either discharged or stood accountable for already on other documents, was in whole or part flung upon the market by Constable in the months of struggle which preceded his fall, and ranked against Ballantyne & Co., that is to say, Scott, when that fall came. This account, when published in the first edition of Lockhart's Life, provoked strong protests from the representatives of the Ballantynes, and a rather acrimonious pamphlet war followed, in which Lockhart is accused by some not merely of acrimony, but of a supercilious and contemptuous fashion of dealing with his opponents. He made, however, no important retractations later, and it is fair to say that not one of his allegations has ever been disproved by documentary evidence, as certainly ought to have been possible while all the documents were at hand. Nor did the Memoirs of Constable, published many years later, supply what was and is missing; nor does Mr. Lang, with all his pains, seem to have found anything decisive. The assertions opposed to Lockhart's are that the 'counter-bill' story is not true, and that the {109} distresses of Ballantyne & Co., and the dangerous extent to which they were involved in complicated bill transactions with Constable, were at least partly due to reckless drawings by the senior partner for his land purchases and other private expenses. Between the two it is impossible to decide with absolute certainty. [29] All that can be said is this. First, considering that the whole original capital of the firm was Scott's, that he had repeatedly saved it from ruin by his own exertions and credit, and that a very large part of the legitimate grist that came to its mill was supplied by his introduction of work to be printed, he was certainly entitled to the lion's share of any profit that was actually earned. Secondly, the neglect to balance accounts, and the reckless fashion of interweaving acceptance with drawing and drawing with acceptance, had, as we know, been repeatedly protested against by him. Thirdly, his private expenditure, very moderate at Castle Street, and not recklessly lavish even at Abbotsford, must have been amply covered by his official and private income plus no great proportion of the always large and latterly immense supplies which for nearly twenty years he derived from his pen. It is impossible to see that, except by his carelessness in neglecting to ascertain from time to time the exact liabilities of the firm, he had added to the original fault of joining it, or had in any other way deserved the blow that fell upon {110} him. No one can believe, certainly no one has ever proved, that his earnings, and his salaries, and the value of his property, if capitalised, would not have covered, and far more than covered, the cost of Abbotsford, land and house, the settlements on his children, and the household expenses of the whole fifteen years and more since he became a housekeeper there. While, as for the printing business itself, it admittedly ought to have made a handsome profit from first to last, and certainly did make a handsome profit as soon as it fell under reasonably business-like management afterwards. There remains the said 'original fault' of engaging in the business at all, and that, I think, can never be denied. The very introduction of joint-stock companies, to which, in part, Scott owed his ruin, has made a confusion between professional and commercial occupations which did not then exist; but even now I think it would hardly be considered decent for a public servant, discharging judicial functions, to carry on actual business in a private trading concern. Moreover, the secrecy which Scott observed—to such an extent that his family and his most intimate friends did not know the facts—could come from nothing but a sense of something amiss, and certainly led to the commission of not a little that was so. Scott had to conceal the actual and very material truth when he applied to the Duke of Buccleuch for the guarantee that saved him a dozen years earlier. He had to conceal it from the various persons who employed Ballantyne & Co., and were induced to do so by him. He had to conceal it when he executed those settlements on his son's marriage, which certainly would have been affected had it been known that the whole of his fortune was subject to an unlimited liability. The mystery of {111} his unconsciousness of all this may be left pretty much where Lockhart, with full acknowledgment, left it. I have said that his action seems to have originated partly in a blind and causeless fear of poverty, which, as blind and causeless fear so often does, made him run into the very danger he tried to avoid, partly in an incomprehensible partiality for the Ballantynes. [30] We have no evidence, in any degree trustworthy, that during the entire term of his connection with the firm he derived any positive profit from it at all commensurate with his actual sinkings of money and his sacrifices and exertions of various kinds. The whole thing is, once more, a mystery, and the best comment is perhaps the simple one that the means which a man takes to ruin or seriously damage himself generally do seem a mystery to others, and probably are so to himself. Nor is there anything more unusual in the colossal irony of the situation, when we find Scott, just before his own ruin, and in the act of giving his friend Terry the actor a guarantee (which, as it happened, he had to pay), writing [31] words of the most excellent sense on the rashness of engaging in commercial undertakings without sufficient capital, the madness of dealing in bills, and his own resolve to have nothing to do with any business carried on 'by discounts and renewals.' The irony, let it be repeated, is colossal; yet we meet it, we commit it, every day. It is painful to read that during the months of uncertainty which preceded the actual crash, Scott threw the helve after the hatchet by charging himself personally, first, with an advance, or, at least, bond for £5000, and {112} then for another of double that amount, [32] to help two firms, Constable and Hurst & Robinson, whose combined indebtedness was over half a million. But the fact of his doing so was sufficient indication of the spirit in which he would meet the crash of Ballantyne & Co. itself. The whole of the Diary (v. infra) of the period is one long illustration (without the slightest pretentiousness or self-consciousness) of the famous line of perhaps his own greatest poetical passage— 'No thought was there of dastard flight.' He had made up his mind, before it was certainly imminent, that bankruptcy was not to be accepted; evasion of any more thorough kind, if it occurred, he dismissed at once as not even to be thought of. Yet it is perhaps to be regretted that the mode in which the disaster was actually met, heroic as it was, was substituted for that of which he had at first thought—the simple throwing up of every scrap of his property, including all but a bare subsistence out of his official incomes, which could not have been touched without difficulty. Had he done, or been able to do this, had he shaken off the vampire in stone and lime and hungry soil which had so long sucked his blood, had he sold the library, and the 'Gabions of Jonathan Oldbuck,' [33] and the Japanese papers, and the Byron vase, and the armour, had he mortgaged his incomes by help of insurance, sold his copyrights outright, and, in short, realised everything, it does not seem absolutely certain that he might not have paid off his creditors in full, or, at least, left but a small balance to be {113} discharged by less superhuman and fatal exertions than those actually made. The time was not a good time for selling, no doubt; but, on the other hand, the interest in Abbotsford and its master was still at its height, and the enthusiasm, which actually inspired one anonymous offer of thirty thousand pounds on loan in a lump, would probably have made good bargains for him on sales. He would then have been a free, or nearly a free man, with his own exertions untrammelled, or nearly so; and, serious as were the warnings that his health had given or received, the actual history of the next six or seven years seems to show that, had the machine been driven with less unsparing ferocity, and at a more moderate rate, it might have lasted for years, and even restored its master to competence, if not to wealth. Unfortunately, if nothing else—family affection and perhaps also family pride did still, it may be feared, supply something else—the unlucky settlement of Abbotsford stood in the way. Legally, it is true or at least probable, this settlement might have been upset; but the trustees of Mrs. Walter Scott would probably also have felt bound to resist this, and leave to unsettle could only have been obtained on the humiliating and even slightly disgraceful plea that the granter, being practically insolvent at the time, was acting beyond his rights. It seems to have been proposed by the Bank of Scotland, during the negotiations for the arrangement which followed, that this should be done; and the reasons which dictated Scott's refusal would have equally, no doubt, prevented him from doing it in the other case. Accordingly, it was resolved, as he declined to go into bankruptcy, that his whole property should, under a procedure half legal, half amicable, be vested in trustees {114} for the benefit of his creditors; nothing except the Castle Street house and some minor chattels being actually sold. He, on the other hand, undertook to devote to the liquidation of the balance of his debts all the proceeds of his future work, except a bare maintenance for himself and (on a reduced scale) for Abbotsford. How 'this fatal venture of mistaken chivalry' (to borrow a most applicable phrase of Kingsley's about another matter) was carried out we shall see, but how grossly unfair it was to Scott himself must appear at once. In return for his sacrifices he had no real legal protection; any creditor could, as a Jew named Abud actually did, threaten at any time to force bankruptcy unless he were paid at once and in full. Instead of retaining (as he would have done had the whole of his property been actually surrendered, and had he allowed the debts which came with the law to go with it) complete control of his future earnings and exertions, and making, as he might have made, restitution by instalments as a free gift, he was in such a plight that any creditor was entitled to regard him as a kind of thrall, paying debt by service as a matter of course, and deserving neither rest, nor gratitude, nor commendation. One really sometimes feels inclined to regret that Abud or somebody else was not more relentless—to pray for a Sir Giles Overreach or a Shylock among the creditors. For such a one, by his apparently malevolent but really beneficent grasping, would have in effect liberated the bondsman, who, as it was, was compelled to toil at a hopeless task to his dying day, and to hasten that dying day by the attempt. Mention has been made above of a certain Diary which is our main authority, and, indeed, makes other {115} authorities merely illustrative for a great part of the few and evil last years of Sir Walter's life. It was begun before the calamities, and just after the return from Ireland, being pleasantly christened 'Gurnal,' after a slight early phonetic indulgence of his daughter Sophia's. It was suggested—and Lockhart seems to think that it was effective—as a relief from the labour of Napoleon, which went slightly against the grain, even before it became bond-work. It may have been a doubtful prescription, for 'the cud [34] of sweet and bitter fancy' is dangerous food. But it has certainly done us good. When Mr. Douglas obtained leave to publish it as a whole, there were, I believe, wiseacres who dreaded the effect of the publication, thinking that the passages which Lockhart himself had left out might in some way diminish and belittle our respect for Scott. They had no need to trouble themselves. It was already, as published in part in the Life, one of the most pathetically interesting things in biographical literature. This quality was increased by the complete publication, while it also became a new proof that 'good blood cannot lie,' that the hero is a hero even in utterances kept secret from the very valet. If, as has happened before and might conceivably happen again, some cataclysm destroyed all Scott's other work, we should still have in this not merely an admirable monument of literature, but the picture of a character not inhumanly flawless, yet almost superhumanly noble; of the good man struggling against adversity, not, indeed, with a sham pretence of stoicism, but with that real {116} fortitude of which stoicism is too often merely a caricature and a simulation. It is impossible not to recur to the Marmion passage already quoted as one reads the account of the successive misfortunes, the successive expedients resorted to, the absolute determination never to cry craven. [35] It is from the Diary that we learn his own complete knowledge of the fact urged above, that it would have been better for him if his creditors had been in appearance less kind. 'If they drag me into court,' he says, [36] 'instead of going into this scheme of arrangement, they would do themselves a great injury, and perhaps eventually do the good, though it would give me great pain.' The Diary, illustrated as it is by the excellent selections from Skene's Reminiscences and other scattered or unpublished matter which Mr. Douglas has appended, exhibits the whole history of this period with a precision that could not otherwise have been hoped for, especially as pecuniary misfortunes were soon, according to the fashion of this world, to be complicated by others. For some two years before the catastrophe Lady Scott had been in weak health; and though the misfortune itself does not seem to have affected her much after the first shock, she grew rapidly worse in the spring of 1826, and, her asthma changing into dropsy, died at Abbotsford during Scott's {117} absence in Edinburgh, when his work began in May. His successive references to her illness, and the final and justly-famous passage on her death, are excellent examples of the spirit which pervades this part of the Diary. This spirit is never unmanly, but displays throughout, and occasionally, as we see, to his own consciousness, that strange yet not uncommon phenomenon which is well expressed in a French phrase, il y a quelque chose de cassé, and which frequently comes upon men after or during the greater misfortunes of life. Neither in his references to this, nor in those to another threatened, though as yet deferred blow, expected from the ever-declining health of the Lockharts' eldest child, the 'Hugh Littlejohn' of the Tales of a Grandfather, is there any tone of whining on the one hand, or any mark of insensibility on the other. But there is throughout something like a confession, stoutly avoided in words, but hinted in tone and current of quotation and sentiment, that the strength, though not the courage, is hardly equal to the day. The Diary, both here and elsewhere, is full of good things, pleasant wit still, shrewd criticism of life, quaint citation of wise old Scots saws and good modern instances, happy judgment of men and books,—above all, that ever-present touch of literature, without mere bookishness, which is as delightful to those who can taste it as any of Scott's gifts. And perhaps, too, we may trace, even behind this, a secret sense that, as his own Habakkuk Mucklewrath has it in the dying curse on Claverhouse, the wish of his heart had indeed been granted to his loss, and that the hope of his own pride had gone too near to destroy him. {118} CHAPTER VI LAST WORKS AND DAYS It has been mentioned that when Scott returned from Ireland, and before his misfortunes came upon him, he had already engaged in two works of magnitude, a new novel, Woodstock, and a Life of Napoleon, planned upon a very large scale, for which Constable made great preparations, and from which he expected enormous profits. After the catastrophe it became a question whether Constable's estate could claim the fulfilment of these contracts, or whether the profits of them could be devoted wholly to the liquidation of Scott's, or rather Ballantyne & Co.'s, own debts. The completion of Woodstock was naturally delayed until this point was settled. But from the very moment when Sir Walter had resolved to devote himself to the heroic but apparently hopeless task of paying off his nominal liabilities in full, he arranged a system of work upon these two books, and especially upon the Napoleon, which exceeded in dogged determination anything that even he had hitherto done. The novel was, of course, to him comparative child's play: he had written novels before in six weeks or thereabouts all told, though his impaired vigour, the depression of his spirits, and the sense of labouring for the mere purpose of pouring the results into a sieve, made things harder now. But the Napoleon, though he {119} had made some preparation for this kind of writing by his elaborate and multifarious editorial work, especially by that on Dryden and Swift, was to a great extent new; and it required, what was always irksome to him, elaborate reading up of books and documents for the special purpose. No man has ever utilised the results of previous reading for his own pleasure better than Scott, and few men, not mere professed book-grubbers, have ever had vaster stores of it. But he frequently confesses—a confession which in many ways makes his plight in these years still more to be pitied—an ingrained dislike to task-work of any kind; and there is no more laborious task-work than getting up and piecing together the materials for history. The book, one, at a rough guess, of at least a million words, was completed from end to end in less than eighteen months, during which he also wrote Woodstock, Malachi Malagrowther (vide infra), with several reviews and minor things, besides serving his usual number of days at the Clerk's table, devoting necessarily much time to the not more painful than troublesome business of his pecuniary affairs, his removal from Castle Street, etc., and taking one journey of some length in the summer of 1826 to London and Paris for materials. The feat was accomplished by a rigid system of 'so much per day'—by dint of which, no doubt, an amount of work, surprising to the inexperienced, can be turned out with no necessarily disastrous consequences. But Scott, disgusted with society, and avoiding it from motives of economy as well as of want of heart, disturbed hardly at all by strangers at Abbotsford, and not at all in the lodgings and furnished houses which he took while in Edinburgh, let 'his own thought drive him like a goad' to work in the interest of his task-masters, and perhaps, also, for {120} the sake of drowning care, pushed the system to the most extravagant lengths. We know that he sometimes worked from six in the morning to six at even, with breakfast and luncheon brought into his study and consumed there; and though his court duties made this fortunately impossible for a part of the year, at least during a part of the week, they were not a complete preservative. In the eighteen months he cleared for his bloodsuckers nearly twenty thousand pounds, eight thousand for Woodstock and eleven or twelve for Napoleon. The trifling profits of Malachi and the reviews seem to have been permitted to go into his own pocket. He was naturally proud of the exploit, but it may be feared that it made the end certain. Of the merits of the Napoleon (the second edition of which, by the way, carried its profits to eighteen thousand pounds) it is perhaps not necessary to say very much. I should imagine that few living persons have read it word for word through, and I confess very frankly that I have not done so myself, though I think I have read enough to qualify me for judging it. It is only unworthy of its author in the sense that one feels it to have been not in the least the work that he was born to do. It is nearly as good, save for the technical inferiority of Scott's prose style, as the historical work of Southey, and very much better than the historical work of Campbell and Moore. The information is sufficient, the narrative clear, and the author can at need rise to very fair eloquence, or at least rhetoric. But it is too long to be read, as one reads Southey's Nelson, for its merits as biography, and not technically authoritative enough to be an exhaustive work of reference from the military, diplomatic, and political side. Above all, one cannot read a page without remembering that {121} there were living then in England at least a dozen men who could have done it better,—Grote, Thirlwall, Mitford, Arnold, Hallam, Milman, Lingard, Palgrave, Turner, Roscoe, Carlyle, Macaulay, to mention only the most prominent, and mention them at random, were all alive and of man's estate,—and probably scores who could have done it nearly or quite as well; while there was not one single man living, in England or in the world, who was capable of doing the work which Scott, if not as capable as ever, was still capable of doing like no one before and scarcely any one after him. Take, for instance, Woodstock itself. In a very quaint, characteristic, agreeable, and, as criticism, worthless passage of Wild Wales, Borrow has stigmatised it as 'trash.' I only wish we had more such trash outside the forty-eight volumes of the Waverley Novels, or were likely to have more. The book, of course, has certain obvious critical faults—which are not in the least what made Borrow object to it. Although Scott, and apparently Ballantyne, liked the catastrophe, it has always seemed to me one of his worst examples of 'huddling up.' For it is historically and dramatically impossible that Cromwell should change his mind, or that Pearson and Robbins should wish to thwart severity which, considering the death of Humgudgeon, had a good deal more excuse than Oliver often thought necessary. Nor may the usual, and perhaps a little more than the usual, shortcomings in construction be denied. But as of old, and even more than on some occasions of old, the excellences of character, description, dialogue, and incident are so great as to atone over and over again for defects of the expected kind. If Everard has something of that unlucky quality which the author recognised in Malcolm {122} Graeme when he said, 'I ducked him in the lake to give him something to do; but wet or dry I could make nothing of him,' Alice is quite of the better class of his heroines; and from her we ascend to personages in whose case there is very little need of apology and proviso. Sir Henry Lee, Wildrake, Cromwell himself, Charles, may not satisfy others, but I am quite content with them; and the famous scene where Wildrake is a witness to Oliver's half-confession seems to me one of its author's greatest serious efforts. Trusty Tomkins, perhaps, might have been a little better; he comes somewhat under the ban of some unfavourable remarks which Reginald Heber makes in his diary on this class of Scott's figures, though the good bishop seems to me to have been rather too severe. But the pictures of Woodstock Palace and Park have that indescribable and vivid charm which Scott, without using any of the 'realist' minuteness or 'impressionist' contortions of later days, has the faculty of communicating to such things. For myself, I can say—and I am sure I may speak for hundreds—that Tullyveolan, Ellangowan, the Bewcastle moor where Bertram rescued Dandie, Clerihugh's, Monkbarns (I do not see Knockwinnock so clearly), the home of the Osbaldistones, and the district from Aberfoyle to Loch Ard, the moors round Drumclog, Torquilstone, and, not to make the list tedious, a hundred other places, including Woodstock itself, are as real as if I had walked over every inch of the ground and sat in every room of the houses. In some cases I have never seen the supposed originals, in others, I have recognised them as respectable, though usually inferior, representatives of Scott's conceptions. But in any case these are all real, all possessions, all part of the geographical and architectural furniture of the mind. They are like the {123} wood in the 'Dream of Fair Women': one knows the flowers, one knows the leaves, one knows the battlements and the windows, the platters and the wine-cups, the cabinets and the arras. They are, like all the great places of literature, like Arden and Elsinore, like the court before Agamemnon's palace, and that where the damsel said to Sir Launcelot, 'Fair knight, thou art unhappy,' our own—our own to 'pass freely through until the end of time.' It must not be forgotten in this record of his work that Scott wrote 'Bonnie Dundee' in the very middle of his disaster, and that he had not emerged from the first shock of that disaster, when the astonishingly clever Letters of Malachi Malagrowther appeared. Of the reasonableness of their main purpose—a strenuous opposition to the purpose of doing away, in Scotland as in England, with notes of a less denomination than five pounds—I cannot pretend to judge. It is possible that suppressed rage at his own misfortunes found vent, and, for him, very healthy vent, while it did harm to no one, in a somewhat too aggressive patriotism, of a kind more particularist than was usual with him. But the fire and force of the writing are so great, the alternations from seriousness to humour, from denunciation to ridicule, so excellently managed, that there are few better specimens of this particular kind of pamphlet. As for 'Bonnie Dundee,' there are hardly two opinions about that. As a whole, it may not be quite equal to 'Lochinvar,' to which it forms such an excellent pendant, and which it so nearly resembles in rhythm. But the best of it is equal as poetry, and perhaps superior as meaning. And it admirably completes in verse the tribute long before paid by Old Mortality in prose, to the 'last and best of Scots,' as Dryden called him in the {124} noble epitaph, [37] which not improbably inspired Scott himself to do what he could to remove the vulgar aspersions on the fame of the hero of Killiecrankie. Moreover, according to his wont, Scott had barely finished, indeed he had not finished, the Napoleon before he had arranged for new work of two different kinds; and he was soon, without a break, actually engaged upon both tasks, one of them among the happiest things he ever undertook, and the other containing, at least, one piece of his most interesting work. These were the Tales of a Grandfather and the Chronicles of the Canongate. Both supplied him with his tasks, his daily allowance of 'leaves,' [38] for great part of 1827, and both were finished and the Chronicles actually published, before the end of it. [39] For the actual stories comprising these Chronicles I have never cared much. The chief in point of size, the Surgeon's Daughter, deals with Indian scenes, of which Scott had no direct knowledge, and in connection with which there was no interesting literature to inspire him. It appears to me almost totally uninteresting, more so than Castle Dangerous itself. The Two Drovers and The Highland Widow have more merit; but they are little more than anecdotes. [40] On the other hand, the {125} 'Introduction' to these Chronicles, with the history of their supposed compiler, Mr. Chrystal Croftangry, is a thing which I should be disposed to put on a level with his very greatest work. Much is admittedly personal reminiscence of himself and his friends, handled not with the clumsy and tactless directness of reporting, which has ruined so many novels, but in the great transforming way of Fielding and Thackeray. Chrystal's early thoughtless life, the sketch of his ancestry (said to represent the Scotts of Raeburn), the agony of Mr. Somerville, suggested partly by the last illness of Scott's father, the sketches of Janet M'Evoy and Mrs. Bethune Baliol (Mrs. Murray Keith of Ravelston), the visit to the lost home,—all these things are treated not merely with consummate literary effect, but with a sort of sourdine accompaniment of heart-throbs which only the dullest ear can miss. Nor, as we see from the Diary, were the author's recent misfortunes, and his sojourn in a moral counterpart of the Deserted Garden of his friend Campbell, the only disposing causes of this. He had in several ways revived the memory of his early love, Lady Forbes, long since dead. Her husband had been among the most active of his business friends in arranging the compromise with creditors, and was shortly (though Scott did not know it) to discharge privately the claim of the recalcitrant Jew bill-broker Abud, who threatened Sir Walter's personal liberty. Her mother, Lady Jane Stuart, had renewed acquaintance with him, and very soon after the actual publication sent him some MS. memorials of the days that were long enough ago—memorials causing one of those paroxysms of memory {126} which are the best of all things for a fairly hale and happy man, but dangerous for one whom time and ill-luck have shaken. [41] He had, while the Chronicles were actually a-writing, revisited St. Andrews, and, while his companions were climbing St. Rule's Tower, had sat on a tombstone and thought how he carved her name in Runic letters thirty-four years before. In short, all the elements, sentimental and circumstantial, of the moment of literary projection were present, and the Introduction was no vulgar piece of 'chemic gold.' The delightful and universally known Tales of a Grandfather present no such contrasts of literary merit, and were connected with no such powerful but exhausting emotions of the mind. They originated in actual stories told to 'Hugh Littlejohn,' they were encouraged by the fact that there was no popular and readable compendium of Scottish history, they came as easily from his pen as the Napoleon had run with difficulty, and are as far removed from hack-work as that vast and, to his creditors, profitable compilation must be pronounced to be on the whole near to it. The book, of course, is not in the modern sense strictly critical, though it must be remembered that the authorities for at least the earlier history of Scotland are so exceedingly few and meagre, that criticism of the saner kind has very little to fasten upon. But in this book eminently, in the somewhat later compilation for Lardner's Cyclopædia to a rather less degree, this absence of technical criticism is more {127} than made up by Scott's knowledge of humanity, by the divining power, so to say, which his combined affection for the subject and general literary skill gave him, and by that singularly shrewd and pervading common sense which in him was so miraculously united with the poetical and romantic gift. I was pleased, but not at all surprised, when, some year or so ago, I asked a professed historian, and one of the best living authorities on the particular subject, what he thought of the general historic effect of Scott's work, to find him answer without the slightest hesitation that it was about the soundest thing, putting mere details aside, that exists on the matter. It may be observed, in passing, that the later compilation referred to was a marked example of the way in which Scott could at this time 'coin money.' He was offered a thousand pounds for one of the Lardner volumes; and as his sketch swelled beyond the limit, he received fifteen hundred. The entire work, much of which was simple paraphrase of the Tales, occupied him, it would seem, about six working weeks, or not quite so much. Can it be wondered that both before and after the crash this power of coining money should have put him slightly out of focus with pecuniary matters generally? Mediæval and other theorisers on usury have been laughed at for their arguments as to the 'unnatural' nature of usurious gain, and its consequent evil. One need not be superstitious more than reason, to scent a certain unnaturalness in the gift of turning paper into gold in this other way also. Every peau de chagrin has a faculty of revenging itself on the possessor. For the time, however, matters went with Scott as swimmingly as they could with a man who, by his own act, was, as he said, 'eating with spoons and reading books that were not his own,' and yet earning by means {128} absolutely within his control, and at his pleasure to exercise or not, some twenty thousand a year. The Fair Maid of Perth, a title which has prevailed over what was its first, St. Valentine's Eve, and has entirely obscured the fact that it was issued as a second series of the Chronicles of the Canongate, provided money for a new scheme. This scheme, outlined by Constable himself, and now carried out by Cadell and accepted by Scott's trustees, was for buying in the outstanding copyrights belonging to the bankrupt firm, and issuing the entire series of novels, with new introductions and notes by Scott himself, with attractive illustrations and in a cheap and handy form. Scott himself usually designates the plan as the Magnum Opus, or more shortly (and perhaps not without remembrance of more convivial days) 'the Magnum'. The Fair Maid itself was very well received, and seems to have kept its popularity as well as any of the later books. Indeed, the figures of the Smith, of Oliver Proudfute (the last of Scott's humorous-pathetic characters), of the luckless Rothsay, and of Ramornie (who very powerfully affected a generation steeped in Byronism), are all quite up to the author's 'best seconds.' The opening and the close are quite excellent, especially the fight on the North Inch and 'Another for Hector!' and the middle part is full of attractive bits of the old kind. But Conachar-Eachin is rather a thing of shreds and patches, and the entire episode of Father Clement and the heresy business is dragged in with singularly little initial excuse, valid connection, or final result. We have unluckily no diary for the last half of 1828, after Scott returned from a long stay with the Lockharts in London, and we thus hear little of the beginnings of the next novel, Anne of Geierstein. When the Journal {129} begins again, complaints are heard from Ballantyne. Alterations (which Scott always loathed, and which certainly are detestable things) became or were thought necessary, and when the poor Maid of the Mist at length appeared in May 1829, she was dismissed by her begetter very unkindly, as 'not a good girl like the other Annes'—his daughter and her cousin, fille de Thomas, who were living with him. The book was not at all ill received, but Lockhart is apologetic about it, and it has been the habit of criticism since to share the opinions of 'Aldiborontiphoscophormio.' [42] I cannot agree with this, and should put Anne of Geierstein—as a mere romance and not counting the personal touches which exalt Redgauntlet and the Introduction to the Chronicles—on a level with anything, and above most things, later than The Pirate. Its chief real fault is not so much bad construction—it is actually more, not less, well knit than The Fair Maid of Perth,—as the too great predominance of merely episodic and unnecessary things and persons, like the Vehmgericht and King's René's court. Its merits are manifold. The opening storm and Arthur's rescue by Anne, as well as the quarrel with Rudolf, are excellent; the journey (though too much delayed by the said Rudolf's tattlings), with the sojourn at Grafslust and the adventures at La Ferette, ranks with Scott's many admirable journeys, and high among them; Queen Margaret is nobly presented (I wish Shakespeare, Lancastrian that he was, had had the chance of versifying the scene where she flings the feather and the rose to the winds, as a pendant to 'I called thee then vain shadow of my fortune'); and not only Philipson's rattling peal of thunder to wake Charles the Bold from his stupor, but the Duke's final scenes, {130} come well up to the occasion. Earlier, Scott would not have made René quite such a mere old fool, and could have taken the slight touch of pasteboard and sawdust out of the Black Priest of St. Paul's. But these are small matters, and the whole merits of the book are not small. Even Arthur and Anne are above, not below, the usual hero and heroine. The gap in the Journal for the last half of 1828 is matched by another and more serious one for nearly a twelvemonth, from July 1829 to May 1830, a period during which Sir Walter's health went from bad to worse, and in which he lost his Abbotsford factotum, Tom Purdie. But the first six months of 1829, and perhaps a little more, are among its pleasantest parts. The shock of the failure and of his wife's death were, as far as might be, over; he had resumed the habit of seeing a fair amount of society; his work, though still busily pursued, was less killing than during the composition of the Napoleon; and his affairs were looking almost rosily. A first distribution, of thirty-two thousand pounds at once, had been made among the creditors. Cadell's scheme of the Magnum—wisely acquiesced in by the trustees, and facilitated by a bold purchase at auction of Constable's copyrights for some eight thousand pounds, and later, of those of the poems from Longmans for about the same or a little less—was turning out a great success. They had counted on a sale of eight thousand copies; they had to begin with twelve thousand, and increase it to twenty, while the number ultimately averaged thirty-five thousand. The work of annotation and introduction was not hard, and was decidedly interesting. Unluckily, irreparable mischief had already been done, and when the Diary begins again, we soon see signs of {131} it. The actual beginning of the end had occurred before the resumption, on February 15, 1830, when Sir Walter had, in the presence of his daughter and of Miss Violet Lockhart, experienced an attack of an apoplectic-paralytic character, from which he only recovered by much blood-letting and starvation. There can be little doubt that this helped to determine him to do what he had for some time meditated, and resign his place at the Clerk's table: nor perhaps could he have well done otherwise. But the results were partly unfortunate. The work had been very trifling, and had saved him from continual drudgery indoors at home, while it incidentally provided him with society and change of scene. He was now to live at Abbotsford,—for neither his means nor his health invited an Edinburgh residence when it was not necessary,—with surroundings only too likely to encourage 'thick-coming fancies,' out of reach of immediate skilled medical attendance, and with very dangerous temptations to carry on the use of his brain, which was now becoming almost deadly. Yet he would never give in. The pleasant and not exhausting task of arranging the Magnum (which was now bringing in from eight to ten thousand a year for the discharge of his debts) was supplemented by other things, especially Count Robert of Paris, and a book on Demonology for Murray's Family Library. This last occupied him about the time of his seizure, and after the Diary was resumed, it was published in the summer of 1830. Scott was himself by this time conscious of a sort of aphasia of the pen (the direct result of the now declared affection of his brain), which prevented him from saying exactly what he wished in a connected manner; and the results of this are in part evident in the book. But it must always {132} remain a blot, quite unforgivable and nearly inexplicable, on the memory of Wilson, that 'Christopher North' permitted himself to comment on some lapses in logic and style in a way which would have been rather that side of good manners and reasonable criticism in the case of a mere beginner in letters. It is true that he and Scott were at no time very intimate friends, and that there were even some vague antipathies between them. But Wilson had been deeply obliged to Scott in the matter of his professorship; [43] he at least ought to have been nearly as well aware as we are of the condition of his benefactor's health; and even if he had known nothing of this, the rest of Sir Walter's circumstances were known to all the world, and should surely have secured silence. But it seems that Wilson was for the moment in a pet with Lockhart, to whom the Letters on Demonology were addressed, and so he showed, as he seldom, but sometimes did, the 'black drop,' which in his case, though not in Lockhart's, marred at times a generally healthy and noble nature. As a matter of fact, it needs either distinct malevolence or silly hypercriticism to find any serious fault with the Demonology. If not a masterpiece of scientific treatment in reference to a subject which hardly admits of any such thing, it is an exceedingly pleasant and amusing and a by no means uninstructive medley of learning, traditional anecdote, reminiscence, and what not, on a matter which, as we know, had interested the writer from very early days, and which he regarded from his usual and invaluable combined standpoint of shrewd sense and poetical appreciation. The decay, now not to be arrested, though its progress {133} was comparatively slow, was more evident in the last two works of fiction which Scott completed, Count Robert of Paris and Castle Dangerous. Against the first ending of the former (we do not possess it, so we cannot criticise their criticism) Ballantyne and Cadell formally protested, and Scott rewrote a great deal of it by dictation to Laidlaw. The loss of command both of character and of story-interest is indeed very noticeable. But the opening incident at the Golden Gate, the interview of the Varangian with the Imperial family, the intrusion of Count Robert, and, above all, his battle with the tiger and liberation from the dungeon of the Blachernal, with some other things, show that astonishing power of handling single incidents which was Scott's inseparable gift, and which seems to have accompanied him throughout to the very eve of his death. The much briefer Castle Dangerous (which is connected with an affecting visit of Scott and Lockhart to the tombs of the Douglases) is too slight to give room for very much shortcoming. Its chief artistic fault is the happy ending—for though a romancer is in no respect bound to follow his text exactly, and happy endings are quite good things, yet it is rather too much to turn upside down the historic catastrophe of the Good Lord James's fashion of warfare. Otherwise the book is more noticeable for a deficiency of spirit, life, and light—for the evidence of shadow and stagnation falling over the once restless and brilliant scene—than for anything positively bad. These two books were mainly dictated, the paralytic affection having injured the author's power of handwriting, [44] to William Laidlaw between the summer of {134} 1830 and the early autumn of 1831, increasing weakness, and the demands of the Magnum, preventing more speed. The last pages of Castle Dangerous contain Scott's farewell, and the announcement to the public of that voyage to Italy which had actually begun when the novels appeared in the month of November. The period between the fatal seizure and the voyage to the Mediterranean has not much diary concerning it, but has been related with inimitable judgment and sympathy by Lockhart. It was, even putting failing health and obscured mental powers aside, not free from 'browner shades'; for the Reform agitation naturally grieved Sir Walter deeply, while on two occasions he was the object of popular insult and on one of popular violence. Both were at Jedburgh; but the blame is put upon intrusive weavers from Hawick. The first, a meeting of Roxburghshire freeholders, saw nothing worse than unmannerly interruption of a speech made partially unintelligible by the speaker's failing articulation. He felt it bitterly, and when hissing was repeated as he bowed farewell, is said to have replied, low, but now quite distinctly, 'Moriturus vos saluto!' On the second, the election after the throwing out of the first Bill, he was stoned, spat upon, and greeted with cries of 'Burke Sir Walter.' [45] Natural indignation has often been expressed at this behaviour towards the best neighbour and the greatest man in Scotland—behaviour which, as we know, haunted him on his deathbed; but it is to be presumed that the persons who thus proclaimed their cause knew the line of conduct most worthy of it. It does not appear with absolute certainty who first suggested the Italian journey. It could not have been {135} expected to produce any radical cure; but it seems to have been hoped that change of scene would prevent the patient from indulging in that attempt to write from which at Abbotsford it was impossible to keep him, though it was simply slow, and not so very slow, suicide. The wishes of his family were most kindly and generously met by the Government of the day, among whose members he had many personal friends, though political opponents; and the frigate Barham, a cut-down seventy-four, which had the credit of being one of the smartest vessels in the navy, was assigned to take him to Malta. He had, before he left Abbotsford itself, an affecting interview with Wordsworth, which occasioned Yarrow Revisited and the beautiful sonnet, 'A trouble, not of clouds or weeping rain,' and had no doubt part in the initiation of the last really great thing that Wordsworth ever wrote—the Effusion on the deaths of Hogg, Coleridge, Crabbe, Lamb, and Scott himself, in 1835. Some stay was made with the Lockharts in London, and a little at Portsmouth, waiting for a wind; but the final departure took place on October 29, 1831. Scott was abroad for the best part of a year, the time being chiefly made out in visits of some length to Malta, Naples, and Rome. We have a good deal of diary for this period, and it, even more than the subsidiary documents and Lockhart's summary of no doubt much that is unpublished, betrays the state of the case. Every now and then—indeed, for long passages—there is nothing very different from the matter to which, since the first warning in 1818, we have been accustomed. Scott is, if not the infinitely various but never mutable Scott of the earlier years, still constant in fun and kindness, in quaint erudition and hearty friendship, though he is all this in a slightly deadened and sicklied {136} degree. But there are strange breaks-down and unfamiliar touches, now of almost querulous self-concern (the thing most foreign to his earlier nature), as where he complains that his companions, his son and daughter, 'are neither desirous to follow his amusements nor anxious that he should adopt theirs'; now of still more foreign callousness, as where he dismisses the news of the death of Hugh Littlejohn, whose illnesses earlier had been almost his chief anxiety, and records in the same entry that he 'went to the opera.' The passage in the Introduction to the Chronicles, written not so very long before, traces with an almost horrible exactness the changes which were now taking place in himself. Moreover, he would resume the pen; and, first in Malta, then at Naples, began and went far to complete two new novels, The Siege of Malta and Il Bizarro, which, I suppose, are still at Abbotsford, with Lockhart's solemn curse on the person who shall publish them. He had now (it does not seem clear on what grounds, or by what stages) confirmed himself in the belief that he had paid off all his debts, instead of nearly half of them. [46] And he founded divers schemes on the profits of these works, added to the (as he thought) liberated returns of the Magnum; and even revived his notions of buying Faldonside with its thousand acres, and 'holding all Tweed-bank, from Ettrick-foot to Calla weel.' Fêted, too, as he was, and in this condition of mind, it seems to have been difficult for his companions to make him observe the absolute temperance in food and drink which was as necessary to the staving off of the end as abstinence from brain-work; and it must be regarded as a signal {137} proof of the extraordinary strength of his constitution that it resisted as long as it did. At last, and of course suddenly, came the final warning of all: the occurrence, without notice, of an almost agonising home-sickness. The party travelled by land, as speedily as they could, to the Channel, a last attack of apoplectic paralysis taking place at Nimeguen; and after crossing it and reaching London, Sir Walter was taken by sea to the Forth, and thence home. The actual end was delayed but very little longer, and it has been told by Lockhart in one of those capital passages of English literature on which it is folly to attempt to improve or even to comment, and which, a hundred times quoted, can never be stale. Sir Walter Scott died at Abbotsford on September 21, 1832, and was buried four days later at Dryburgh, a post-mortem examination having disclosed considerable softening of the brain. There remained unpaid at his death about fifty-five thousand pounds of the Ballantyne debts, besides private encumbrances on Abbotsford, etc., including the ten thousand which Constable had extracted, he knowing, from Scott unknowing, the extent of the ruin, in the hours just before it. The falling in of assurances cleared off two-fifths of this balance, and Cadell discharged the rest on the security of the Magnum, which was equal, though not much more than equal, to the burden in the longrun. Thus, if Scott's exertions during the last seven years of his life had benefited his own pocket, his ambition—whether wise or foolish, persons more confident in their judgment of human wishes than the present writer must decide—would have been amply fulfilled, and his son, supposing the money to have been invested with ordinary care and luck, would have been left a baronet and squire, with at least six or seven thousand a year. As it was, he {138} did not succeed to much more than the title, a costly house, and a not very profitable estate, burdened, though not heavily, with mortgages. This burden was reduced by the good sense of the managers of the English memorial subscription to Scott, who devoted the six or seven thousand pounds, remaining after some embezzlement, to clearing off the encumbrances as far as possible. The chief result of many Scottish tributes of the same kind was the well-known Scott Monument on the edge of Princes Street Gardens, which has the great good luck to be one of the very few not unsatisfactory things of the kind in the British Islands. By mishap rather than neglect, no monument in Westminster Abbey was erected for the greater part of the century; but one has been at last set up in May of the present year. {139} CHAPTER VII CONCLUSION It is natural—indeed the feeling is not merely easy of excuse, but entitled to respect—that 'the pity of it,' the sombre close of so brilliant a career as Scott's, should attract somewhat disproportionate attention. Thus readers of his life are drawn more especially either to sorrow for his calamities, or to admiration of this stoutest of all hearts set to nearly the stiffest of all hills, or to casuistical debate on the 'dram of eale' that brought about his own share in causing his misfortunes. Undoubtedly, none of these things ought to escape our attention. But, in the strict court of literary and critical audit, they must not have more than their share. As a matter of fact, Scott's work was almost finished—nothing distinctly novel in kind and first-rate in quality, except the Tales of a Grandfather and the Introduction to the Chronicles, remained to be added to it—when that fatal bill of Constable's was suffered by Hurst & Robinson to be returned. And the trials which followed, though they showed the strength, the nobleness, the rare balance and solidity of his character, did not create these virtues, which had been formed and established by habit long before. Respice finem is not here a wise, at least a sufficient, maxim: we must look along the whole line to discern satisfactorily and {140} thoroughly what manner of man this was in life and in letters. What manner of man he was physically is pretty well-known from his originally numerous and almost innumerably reproduced and varied portraits; not extremely tall, but of a goodly height, somewhat shortened by his lameness and massive make, the head being distinguished by a peculiar domed, or coned, cranium. This made 'Lord Peter' Robertson give him the nickname of 'Peveril of the Peak,' which he himself after a little adopted, and which, shortened to 'Peveril,' was commonly used by his family. His expression, according to the intelligence of those who saw him and the mood in which he found himself, has been variously described as 'heavy,' 'homely,' and in more complimentary terms. But the more appreciative describers recognise the curiously combined humour, shrewdness, and kindliness which animated features naturally irregular and quite devoid of what his own generation would have called 'chiselled elegance.' He himself asserts—and it seems to be the fact—that from the time of the disappearance of his childish maladies to the attack of cramp, or gallstones, or whatever the evil was which came on in 1818, and from which he never really recovered, his health was singularly robust; and he appears as quite a young man to have put it to considerable, though not excessive, tests. His conversation, like his countenance, has been variously characterised, and it is probable that the complexion of both depended, even more than it does with most men, on his company. He is acknowledged never to have 'talked for victory,' an evil and barbarous practice, which the Edinburgh wits seem to have caught from their great enemy and guest, Dr. Johnson; to have (like all good men) simply abominated talking about his {141} own works, or indeed bookishly at all, full as his conversation was of literature; and, though a great tale-teller, to have been no monopoliser of the conversation in any way. He admits having been in youth and early middle age not disinclined to solitude,—and he does not appear to have at any time liked miscellaneous society much, though he prided himself, and very justly, on having, from all but his earliest youth, frequented many kinds of it, including the best. The perfect ease of his correspondence with all sorts and conditions of men and women may have owed something to this; but, no doubt, it owed as much to the happy peculiarities and composition of his nature and temperament. The only fault or faults of which he has been accused with any plausibility are those which attend or proceed from a somewhat too high estimate of rank and of riches;—that is to say, a too great eagerness to obtain these things, and at the same time a too great deference for those who possessed them. From avarice, in any of the ordinary senses of the word, he was, indeed, entirely free. His generosity, if not absolutely and foolishly indiscriminate, was extraordinary, and as unostentatious as it was lavish. He certainly had no delight in hoarding money, and his personal tastes, except in so far as books, 'curios,' and so forth were concerned, were of the simplest possible. Yet, as we have seen, he was never quite content with an income which, after very early years, was always competent, and when he launched into commercial ventures, already, in prospect at least, considerable; while in the one article of spending money on house and lands he was admittedly excessive. So, too, he seems to have been really indifferent about his title, except as an adjunct to these possessions, and as something transmissible to, and serving to distinguish, {142} the family he longed to found. Yet no instance of the slightest servility on his part to rank—much less to riches—has been produced. His address, no doubt, both in writing and conversation, was more ceremonious than would now be customary. But it must be remembered that this was then a point of good manners, and that 'your Lordship' and 'my noble friend,' even between persons intimate with each other and on the common footing of gentlemen, were then phrases as proper and usual in private as they still are in public life. [47] Attempts have been made to excuse his attitude, on the plea that it was inherited from his father (vide the scene between Saunders Fairford and Herries), that it was national, that it was this, that, and the other. For my own part, I have never read or heard of any instance of it which seemed to me to exceed the due application to etiquette of the rule of distributive justice, to give every man his own. Scott, I think, would have accepted the principle, though not the application, of the sentence of Timoléon de Cossé, Duke of Brissac—'God has made thee a gentleman, and the king has made thee a duke.' And he honoured God and the king by behaving accordingly. Of his infinite merits as a host and a guest, as a friend and as a relation, there is a superabundance of evidence. It does not appear that he ever lost an old friend; and though, like most men who have more talent for friendship than for acquaintance, he did not latterly make many new ones, the relations existing between himself and Lockhart are sufficient proof of his faculty of playing {143} the most difficult of all parts, that of elder friend to younger. I have said above that, though in no sense touchy, he was a very dangerous person to take a liberty with; he adopted to the full the morality of his time about duelling, though he disapproved of it; [48] he was in all respects a man of the world, yet without guile. It is, moreover, quite certain that Scott, though never talking much about religion (as, indeed, he never talked much about any of the deeper feelings of the heart), was a man very sincerely religious. He was not a metaphysician in any way, and therefore had no special inclination towards that face or summit of metaphysics which is called theology. And it is pretty clear that he had towards disputed points of doctrine, ceremony, and discipline, a not sharply or decidedly formulated attitude. But there is no doubt whatever that he was a thoroughly and sincerely orthodox Christian, and there are some slight escapes of confession unawares in his private writings, which show in what thorough conformity with his death his life had been. Few men have ever so well observed the one-half of the apostle's doctrine as to pure religion; and if he did not keep himself (in the matter of the secret partnership and others) altogether unspotted from the world, the sufferings of his last seven years may surely be taken as a more than sufficient purification. More blameless morally, I think, few men have been; fewer still better equipped with the positive virtues. And, above all, we must recognise in Scott (if we have any power of such recognition) what has been already called a certain nobleness, a certain natural inclination towards all things {144} high, and great, and pure, and of good report, which is rarer still than negative blamelessness or even than positive virtue. To speak of Scott's politics is a little difficult and perhaps a little dangerous; yet they played so large a part in his life and work that the subject can hardly be omitted, especially as it comes just between those aspects of him which we have already discussed, and those to which we are coming. It has sometimes been disputed whether his Toryism was much more than mere sentiment; and of course there were not wanting in his own day fellows of the baser sort who endeavoured to represent it as mere self-interest. But no impartial person nowadays, I suppose, doubts, however meanly he may think of Scott's political creed, that that creed was part, not of his interests, not even of his mere crotchets and crazes, literary and other, but of his inmost heart and soul. That reverence for the past, that distaste for the vulgar, that sense of continuity, of mystery, of something beyond interest and calculation, which the worst foes of Toryism would, I suppose, allow to be its nobler parts, were the blood of Scott's veins, the breath of his nostrils, the marrow of his bones. My friend Mr. Lang thinks that Scott's Toryism is dead, that no successor has arisen on its ruins, that it was, in fact, almost a private structure, of which he was the architect, a tree fated to fall with its planter. Perhaps; but perhaps also 'The Little Tower with no such ease Is won'; and there are enough still to keep watch and ward of it. But we have of course here to look even more to his mental character than to his moral, to do with him rather as a man of genius than as a 'man of good,' {145} though it is impossible to overlook, and difficult to overestimate, his singular eminence as both combined. Of his actual literary accomplishment, something like a detailed view has been given in this little book, and of some of its separate departments estimates have been attempted. [49] But we may, or rather must, gather all these up here. Nor can we proceed better than by the old way of inquiry—first, What were the peculiar characteristics of his thought? and, secondly, What distinguished his expression of this thought? As to the first point, it has been pretty generally admitted—though the admissions have in some cases been carried almost too far—that we are not to look for certain things in Scott. We are not to look for any elaborately or at least scholastically minute faculty or practice of analysis or of argument. But to proceed from this to a general denial of 'philosophy' to him—that is to say, to allow him a merely superficial knowledge of human nature—is an utter mistake. I have quoted elsewhere, but the book from which the quotation is made is so rare that I may well quote here again, some remarkable words on this subject from M. Milsand, Mr. Browning's friend, and the recipient of the Dedication of the reprint of Sordello. [50] It is certain that this praise might be supported with a large anthology of {146} passages in the novels and even the poems—passages indicating an anthropological science as intimate as it is unpretentiously expressed. To some good folk in our days, who think that nothing can be profound which is naturally and simply spoken, and who demand that a human philosopher shall speak gibberish and wear his boots on his brows, the fact may be strange, but it is a fact. And it may be added that even if chapter and verse could not thus be produced, a sufficient proof, the most sufficient possible, could be otherwise provided. Scott, by the confession of all competent judges, save a very few, has created almost more men and women, undoubtedly real and lifelike, than any other prose novelist. Now you cannot create a man or a woman without knowing whereof a man and a woman are made, though the converse proposition is unfortunately by no means so universally predicable. He was content, as a rule, to put this great science of his into practice rather than to expound it in theory, to demonstrate it rather than to lecture on it, but that is all. In the second place, we are not to look to him for any great intensity of delineation of passion, especially in the sense to which that word is more commonly confined. He has nowhere left us (as some other men of letters have) any hint that he abstained from doing this because the passion would have been so tremendous that it was on the whole best for mankind that they should not be exposed to it. The qualities of humour and of taste which were always present with Scott would have prevented this. But I should doubt whether he felt any temptation to unbosom himself, or any need to do so. The slight hints given at the time of the combined action of his misfortunes and the agitation arising from his renewed communications with Lady Jane Stuart, are {147} almost all the indications that we have on the subject, and they are too slight to found any theory upon. It is evident that this was not his vein, or that, if the vein was there, he did not choose to work it. To pass from negations to positives, the region in which Scott's power of conception and expression did lie, and which he ruled with wondrous range and rarely equalled power, was a strangely united kingdom of common-sense fact and fanciful or traditional romance. No writer who has had such a sense of the past, of tradition, of romantic literature, has had such a grasp of the actual working motives and conduct of mankind; none who has had the latter has even come near to his command of the former. We may take Spenser and Fielding as the princes of these separate principalities in English literature, and though each had gifts that Scott had not,—though Scott had gifts possessed by neither,—yet if we could conceive Spenser and Fielding blended, the blend would, I think, come nearer to Scott's idiosyncrasy than anything else that can be imagined. He had advanced (or rather returned) from that one-sided eighteenth-century conception of nature which was content to know human nature pretty thoroughly up to a certain point, and to dismiss 'prospects,' in Johnson's scornful language to Thrale, as one just like the other. But he had retained the eighteenth-century grasp of man himself, while recovering the path to the Idle Lake and the Cave of Despair, to the many-treed wood through which Una and her knight journeyed, and the Rich Strand where all the treasures of antiquity lay. We may think—apparently some of us do think—that we have improved on him in the recovery, and even in the retaining grasp. The fact of the improvement on him will take a great deal of proving, I am inclined {148} to think; of the fact of his achievement there is no doubt. If I must select Scott's special literary characteristic, next to that really magical faculty of placing scenes and peopling them with characters in the memory of his readers which I have noticed before, I should certainly fix on his humour. It is a good old scholastic doctrine, that the greatest merit of anything is to be excellent in the special excellence of its kind. And in that quality which so gloriously differentiates English literature from all others, Scott is never wanting, and is almost always pre-eminent. If his patriotism, intense as it is, is never grotesque or offensive, as patriotism too often is to readers who do not share it; if his pathos never touches the maudlin; if his romantic sentiment is always saved by the sense of solid fact,—and we may assert these things without hesitation or qualification,—it is due to his humour. For this humour, never merely local, never bases its appeal on small private sympathies and understandings and pass-words which leave the world at large cold, or mystified, or even disgusted. Nor is it perhaps uncritical to set down that pre-eminently happy use, without abuse, of dialect, which has attracted the admiration of almost all good judges, to this same humour, warning him alike against the undisciplined profusion and the injudicious selection which have not been and are not unknown in some followers of his. And, further, his universal quality is free from some accompanying drawbacks which must be acknowledged in the humour of some of the other very great humorists. It is not coarse—a defect which has made prigs at all times, and especially at this time, affect horror at Aristophanes; it is not grim, like that of Swift; it is free from any very strong evidences of its owner having lived at a particular {149} date, such as may be detected by the Devil's Advocate even in Fielding, even in Thackeray. No tricks or grimaces, no mere elaboration, no lingering to bespeak applause; but a moment of life and nature subjected to the humour-stamp and left recorded and transformed for ever—there is Scott. That the necessary counterpart and companion of this breadth of humour should be depth of feeling can be no surprise to those who accept the only sound distinction between humour and wit. Scott himself never wore his heart on his sleeve; but to those who looked a little farther than the sleeve its beatings were sufficiently evident. The Scott who made that memorable exclamation on the Mound, and ejaculated 'No, by——!' at the discovery of the Regalia, [51] who wrote Jeanie's speech to Queen Caroline and Habakkuk Mucklewrath's to Claverhouse, had no need ever to affect emotion, because it was always present, though repressed when it had no business to exhibit itself. And his romantic imagination was as sincere as his pathos or his indignation. He never lost the clue to 'the shores of old romance'; and, at least, great part of the secret which made him such a magician to his readers was that the spell was on himself—that the regions of fancy were as open, as familiar as Princes Street or the Parliament Square to this solid practical Clerk of Session, who avowed that no food could to his taste equal Scotch broth, and in everything but the one fatal delusion was as sound a man of business as ever partook of that nourishing concoction. In his execution both in prose and verse, but especially, or at least more obviously, in the latter there are certain peculiarities, in the nature (at least partly) of {150} defect, which strike every critical eye at once. At no time, and in no case, was Scott of the order of the careful, anxious miniaturists of work, who repaint every stroke a hundred times, adjust every detail of composition over and over again, and can never have done with rehandling and perfecting. Nor did he belong to that very rare class whose work seems to be, at any rate after a slight apprenticeship, faultless from the first, to whom inelegancies of style, incorrect rhymes, licences of metre—not deliberate and intended to produce the effect they achieve, but the effect of carelessness or of momentary inability to do what is wanted—are by nature or education impossible. His nature did not give him this endowment, and his education was of the very last sort to procure it for him. He himself, not out of pique or conceit, things utterly alien from his nature, still less out of laziness, but, I believe, as a genuine, and, what is more, a correct self-criticism, has left in his private writings repeated expressions of his belief that revision and correction in his case not only did not improve the work, but were in most cases likely to do it positive harm, that the spoon was made or the horn spoiled (to adapt his country proverb) at the first draft, and once for all. I think that this was a correct judgment, and I do not see that it implies any inferiority on his part. It is not as if he ever aimed at the methods of the precisians and failed, as if it was his desire to be a 'correct' writer, a careful observer of proportion and construction, a producer of artful felicities in metre, rhythm, rhyme, phrase. We may yield to no one in the delight of tracing the exact correspondence of strophe and antistrophe in a Greek chorus, the subtle vowel-music of a Latin hymn or a passage of Rossetti's. But I cannot see why, because we rejoice in these things, we should demand them of {151} all poetry, or why, because we rejoice in the faultless construction of Fielding or the exquisite finish of Jane Austen as novelists, we should despise the looser handling and more sweeping touch of Scott in prose fiction. It is extremely probable that, as Mr. Balfour suggested the other day in unveiling the Westminster Abbey monument, this breadth of touch obtained him his popularity abroad, nor need it impair his fame at home. Unquestionably, though he had many minor gifts and graces, including that of incomparable lyric snatch, from the drums and fifes of 'Lochinvar' and 'Bonnie Dundee' to the elfin music of 'Proud Maisie,' his faculty of weaving a story in prose or in verse, with varied decorations of dialogue and description and character, rather than on a cunning canvas of plot, was Scott's main forte. If it is in verse—and admirable as it is here, I think we must allow it to be—less pre-eminent than in prose, it is, first, because minor formal defects are more felt in verse than in prose; secondly, because the scope of the medium is less; and thirdly, because the medium itself was in reality not what he wanted. The verse romance of Scott is a great achievement and a delightful possession: it has had extraordinary influence on English literature, from the work of Byron, which it directly produced, and which pretty certainly would never have been produced without it, to that of Mr. William Morris, which may not impossibly have been its last echo—transformed and refreshed, but still an echo—for some time to come. But there was a little of the falsetto in it, and the interludes, of which the introductions to Marmion and to the Bridal are the most considerable, show that it gave no outlets, or outlets only awkward, for much of what he wanted to say. He defines his own general literary {152} object admirably in a letter to Morritt. 'I have tried to induce the public to relax some of the rules of criticism, and to be amused with that medley of tragic and comic with which life presents us, not only in the same course of action, but in the same character.' The detailed remarks which have been given in earlier chapters make it unnecessary to bring out the application of this to all his work, both verse and prose. And it need but be pointed out in passing how much more satisfactorily the form of prose fiction lent itself, than the form of verse romance, to the expression of a creed which, as it had been that of Shakespeare, so it was the creed of Scott. But a few words must be added in reference to the complaint which is often openly made, and which, I understand, is still more often secretly entertained, or taken for proved, by the younger generation—to wit, the complaint that Scott is 'commonplace' and 'conventional,' not merely in thought, but in expression. As to the thought, that is best met by the reply churlish, if not even by the reproof valiant. Scott's thought is never commonplace, and never merely conventional: it can only seem so to those who have given their own judgments in bondage to a conventional and temporary cant of unconventionality. In respect of expression, the complaint will admit of some argument which may best take the form of example. It is perfectly true that Scott's expression is not 'quintessenced'—that it has to a hasty eye an air of lacking what is called distinction; and, especially, that it has no very definite savour of any particular time. At present, as at other periods during the recorded story of literature, there is a marked preference for all these things which it is not; and so Scott is, with certain persons, in disfavour accordingly. But it so {153} happens that the study of this now long record of literature is itself sufficient to convince anyone how treacherous the tests thus suggested are. There never, for instance, was an English writer fuller of all the marks which these, our younger critics, desiderate in Scott, and admire in some authors of our own day, than John Lyly, the author of Euphues, of a large handful of very charming and interesting court dramas, and of some delightful lyrics. Those who have to teach literature impress the importance, and try to impress the interest, of Lyly on students and readers, and they do right. For he was a man not merely of talent, but (with respect to my friend Mr. Courthope, who thinks differently), I think, of genius. He had a poetical fancy, a keen and biting wit, a fairly exact proficiency in the scholarship of his time. He eschewed the obvious, the commonplace in thought, and still more in style, as passionately as any man ever has eschewed it, and, having not merely will and delicacy, but power, he not only achieved an immense temporary popularity, but even influenced the English language permanently. Yet—and those who thus praise him know it—he, the apostle of ornate prose, the model of a whole generation of the greatest wits that England has seen, the master of Shakespeare in more things than one, including romantic comedy, the originator of the English analytic novel, the 'raiser' (as I think they call it) 'of his native language to a higher power,' is dead. We shall never get anybody outside the necessarily small number of those who have cultivated the historic as well as the æsthetic sense in literature, to read him except as a curiosity or a task, because he not merely cultivated art, but neglected nature for it; because he fooled the time to the top of its bent, and let the time fool him in return; because, instead of making the common as {154} though it were not common, he aimed and strained at the uncommon in and per se. Scott did just the contrary. He never tried to be unlike somebody else; if he hit, as he did hit, upon great new styles of literature,—absolutely new in the case of the historical novel, revived after long trance in the case of the verse tale,—it was from no desire to innovate, but because his genius called him. Though in ordinary ways he was very much a man of his time, he did not contort himself in any fashion by way of expressing a (then) modern spirit, a Georgian idiosyncrasy, or anything of that sort; he was content with the language of the best writers and the thoughts of the best men. He was no amateur of the topsy-turvy, and had not the very slightest desire to show how a literary head could grow beneath the shoulders. He was satisfied that his genius should flow naturally. And the consequence is that it was never checked, that it flows still for us with all its spontaneous charm, and that it will flow in omne volubilis ævum. Among many instances of the strength which accompanied this absence of strain one already alluded to may be mentioned again. Scott is one of the most literary of all writers. He was saturated with reading; nothing could happen but it brought some felicitous quotation, some quaint parallel to his mind from the great wits, or the small, of old. Yet no writer is less bookish than he; none insults his readers less with any parade, with any apparent consciousness of erudition; and he wears his learning so lightly that pedants have even accused him of lacking it because he lacks pedantry. His stream, to resume the simile, carries in solution more reading as well as more wit, more knowledge of life and nature, more gifts of almost all kinds than would suffice for twenty men of letters, yet the very power of {155} its solvent force, as well as the vigour of its current, makes these things comparatively invisible. In dealing with an author so voluminous and so various in his kinds and subjects of composition, it is a hard matter to say what has to be said within prescribed limits such as these, just as it is still harder to select from so copious a store of biographical information details which may be sufficient, and not more than sufficient, to give a firm and distinct picture of his life. Yet it may perhaps be questioned whether very elaborate handling is necessary for Scott. No man probably, certainly no man of letters, is more of a piece than he. As he has been subjected to an almost unparalleled trial in the revelation of his private thoughts, so his literary powers and performances extend over a range which is unusual, if not absolutely singular, in men of letters of the first rank. Yet he is the same throughout, in romance as in review, in novel as in note-writing. Except his dramatic work, a department for which he seems to have been almost totally unfitted (despite the felicity of his 'Old Play' fragments), nothing of his can be neglected by those who wish to enjoy him to the full. Yet though there is no monotony, there is a uniformity which is all the more delightfully brought out by the minor variations of subject and kind. The last as the first word about Scott should perhaps be, 'Read him. And, as far as may be, read all of him.' When, in comparatively early days of his acquaintance with Lockhart, Scott, thinking himself near death in the paroxysms of his cramps, bequeathed to his future son-in-law, in the words of the ballad, 'the vanguard of the three,' the duty of burying him and continuing his work, if possible, he had himself limited the heritage to the defence of ancient faith and loyalty—a great one enough. {156} But his is, in fact, a greater. From generation to generation, whosoever determines, in so far as fate and the gods allow, to hold these things fast, and, moreover, to love all good literature, to temper erudition with common sense, to let humour wait always upon fancy, and duty upon romance; whosoever at least tries to be true to the past, to show a bold front to the present, and to let the future be as it may; whosoever 'spurns the vulgar' while endeavouring to be just to individuals, and faces 'the Secret' with neither bravado nor cringing,—he may take, if not the vanguard, yet a place according to his worth and merit, in the legion which this great captain led. Of the frequent parallels or contrasts drawn between him and Shakespeare it is not the least noteworthy that he is, of all men of letters, that one of whom we have the most intimate and the fullest revelation, while of Shakespeare we have the least. There need be very little doubt that if we knew everything about Shakespeare, he would come, as a man of mould might, scathless from the test. But we do know everything, or almost everything, about Scott, and he comes out nearly as well as anyone but a faultless monster could. For all the works of the Lord in literature, as in other things, let us give thanks—for Blake and for Beddoes as well as for Shelley and for Swift. But let everyone who by himself, or by his fathers, claims origin between Tol-Pedn-Penwith and Dunnet Head give thanks, with more energy and more confidence than in any other case save one, for the fact that his is the race and his the language of Sir Walter Scott. {157} INDEX briefs, fights, and volunteering, 17 ; journeys to Galloway and elsewhere, 18 , 19 ; slowness of literary production and its causes, 20 , 21 ; call-thesis and translations of Bürger, 22 ; reception of these last and their merit, 23 ; contributes to Tales of Wonder, 24 ; remarks on Glenfinlas and The Eve of St. John, 25 , 26 ; Goetz von Berlichingen and The House of Aspen, 26 ; dramatic work generally, 27 , note ; friendship with Leyden, Ritson, and Ellis, 28 ; Minstrelsy of the Scottish Border, 28 - 33 ; contributes to the Edinburgh Review, 33 - 35 ; his domestic life for the first seven years after his marriage, 35 - 37 ; The Lay of the Last Minstrel, 38 - 46 ; children and pecuniary affairs, 50 , 51 ; Clerkship of Session, 51 ; politics during Fox and Grenville administration, 52 ; anecdote of, on Mound, ibid.; [1] His friend Shortreed's well-known expression for the results of the later Liddesdale 'raids.' [2] See General Preface to the Novels, or Lockhart, i. 136. [3] He attributes to Lady Balcarres the credit of being his earliest patroness, and of giving him, when a mere shy boy, the run of her drawing-room and of her box at the theatre. [4] He himself, in his entries of his children's births, always gives the order of the names as Margaret Charlotte. [5] The Boar of the Forest seems, not unnaturally, to have had a rather less warm 'cradle' in Lady Scott's feelings. She thought he took liberties; and though he meant no harm, he certainly did. [6] Lockhart, i. 270. I quote, as is usual, the second or ten-volume edition. But, for reading, some may prefer the first, in which the number of the volumes coincides with their real division, which has the memories of the death of Sophia Scott and others connected with its course, and to which the second made fewer positive additions than may be thought.—[It has been pointed out to me in reference to the word 'whomle' on the opposite page that Fergusson has 'whumble' in 'The Rising of the Session.' But if Scott had quoted, would he have altered the spelling? The Grassmarket story, moreover, exactly corresponds to his words, 'as a gudewife would whomle a bowie.'] [7] Not many years before, Johnson had denied that it was possible for a working man of letters to earn even six guineas a sheet (the Edinburgh began at ten and proceeded to a minimum of sixteen), 'communibus sheetibus,' as he put it jocularly to Boswell. Southey, in the year of Scott's marriage, seems to have thought about ten shillings (certainly not more) 'not amiss' for a morning's work in reviewing. [8] For an interesting passage showing how slow contemporary ears were to admit this, see Southey's excellent defence of his own practice to Wynn (Letters, i. 69). [9] His attempts at the kind may best be despatched in a note here. Their want of merit contrasts strangely with the admirable quality of the 'Old Play' fragments scattered about the novels. Halidon Hill (1822), in the subject of which Scott had an ancestral interest from his Swinton blood, reminds one much more of Joanna Baillie than of its author. Macduff's Cross (1823), a very brief thing, is still more like Joanna, was dedicated to her, and appeared in a miscellany which she edited for a charitable purpose. The Doom of Devorgoil, written for Terry in the first 'cramp' attack of 1817, but not published till 1830, has a fine supernatural subject, but hardly any other merit. Auchindrane, the last, is by far the best. [10] It is quite possible that Mrs. Brown's illiterate authority, or one of his predecessors in title, took 'fee' in the third sense of 'cattle.' {33} [11] He wrote for his corps the 'War Song of the Edinburgh Light Dragoons,' which appeared in the Scots Magazine for 1802, but was written earlier. It is good, but not so good as it would have been a few years later. [12] It is fair to him to say that he made no public complaints, and that when some gutter-scribbler in 1810 made charges of plagiarism from him against Scott, he furnished Southey with the means of clearing him from all share in the matter (Lockhart, iii. 293; Southey's Life and Correspondence, iii. 291). But there is a suspicion of fretfulness even in the Preface to Christabel; and the references to Scott's poetry (not to himself) in the Table Talk, etc., are almost uniformly disparaging. It is true that these last are not strictly evidence. [13] The objection taken to this word by precisians seems to ignore a useful distinction. The antiquary is a collector; the antiquarian a student or writer. The same person may be both; but he may not. [14] Waverley, chap. vi. It owes a little to Smollett's Introduction to Humphry Clinker, but as usual improves the loan greatly. [15] Inasmuch as he himself was secretary to the Commission which did away with it. [16] Taken from the name of his friend Morritt's place on the Greta. [17] Lockhart, iv. chaps. xxviii.-xxxiii. [18] The name, which, as many people now know since Aldershot Camp was established, is a real one, had been already used with the double meaning by Charlotte Smith, a now much-forgotten novelist, whom Scott admired. [19] The once celebrated 'Polish dwarf.' [20] I may be permitted to refer—as to a pièce justificatif which there is no room here to give or even abstract in full—to a set of three essays on this subject in my Essays in English Literature. Second Series. London, 1895. [21] This part, however, has a curious adventitious interest, owing to the idea—fairly vouched for—that Scott intended to delineate in the Colonel some points of his own character. His pride, his generosity, and his patronage of the Dominie, are not unrecognisable, certainly. And a man's idea of himself is often, even while strange to others, perfectly true to his real nature. [22] All who do not skip such things must have enjoyed these scraps, sometimes labelled particularly, sometimes merely dubbed 'Old Play'; and they are well worth reading together, as they appear in the editions of the Poems. At the same time, they have been, in some cases, too hastily attributed to Sir Walter himself. For instance, that in The Legend of Montrose, ch. xiv., assigned to The Tragedy of Brennoralt (not 'valt,' as misprinted), is really from Sir John Suckling's sententious play (act iv. sc. 1), though loosely quoted. [23] In the earlier months had taken place that famous rediscovery of the Regalia of Scotland in Edinburgh Castle, which was one of the central moments of Scott's life, and in which, as afterwards in the restoring of Mons Meg, he took a great, if not the chief, part. His influence with George IV. as Prince and King had much to do with both, and in the earlier he took the very deepest interest. The effect on himself (and on his daughter Sophia) of the actual finding of the Crown jewels is a companion incident to that previously noticed (p. 52 ) as occurring on the Mound. Those who cannot sympathise with either can hardly hope to understand either Scott or his work. [24] From March to May 1819 he had a series of attacks of the cramp, so violent that he once took solemn leave of his children in expectation of decease, that the eccentric Earl of Buchan forced a way into his bedchamber to 'relieve his mind as to the arrangements of his funeral,' and that he entirely forgot the whole of the Bride itself. This, too, was the time of his charge to Lockhart (Familiar Letters, ii. 38), as to his successor in Tory letters and politics— 'Take thou the vanguard of the three, And bury me by the bracken-bush That grows upon yon lily lee.' [25] It has always struck me that the other form of the legend itself—that in which the 'open window' suggests that the bridegroom's wounds were due to his rival—has far greater capabilities. [26] Said to embody certain mental peculiarities of that ingenious draughtsman, but rather unamiable person, Charles Kirkpatrick Sharpe. [27] He had said in a letter to Terry, as early as November 20, 1822, that he feared Peveril 'would smell of the apoplexy.' But he made no definite complaint to any one of a particular seizure, and the date, number, and duration of the attacks are unknown. [28] Some say £130,000, but this seems to include the £10,000 mortgage on Abbotsford. This, however, was a private affair of Scott's own, not a transaction of the firm. [29] I have consulted high authority on the legal side of this counter-bill story, and have been informed (with the expected caution that, the facts being so doubtful, the law is hard to give) that under Scots law these counter-bills, if they existed, would probably be allowed to rank, supposing that twenty shillings in the pound had not been paid on the first set, and to an extent sufficient to make up that sum. But Lockhart's allegation clearly is that they were so used as to charge Scott's estate to the extent of forty shillings in the pound. [30] John Ballantyne had died in 1821, before the mischief was punished, but after it was done. [31] Lockhart, vii. 370, 371. [32] I am not certain whether the second advance, which was secured by mortgage on Abbotsford, included the first or not. Probably it did. [33] A pet name for his 'curios.' [34] Our now-accepted texts, of course, read 'food'; but no one who remembers the pleasant use which Sir Walter himself has made of the other reading in the Introduction to Quentin Durward will readily give it up. [35] As Scott, like Swift and Shakespeare, like Thackeray and Fielding, never hesitated at a touch of grim humour even though it might border on grotesque, he himself would probably not have missed the coincidence of— 'Though billmen ply the ghastly blow,' which suggests itself only too tragi-comically. [36] Journal, Feb. 3, 1826, p. 103, ed. Douglas; Lockhart, viii. 216, 217. [37] This is a translation, of course; but if anyone will compare Pitcairn's Latin and Dryden's English, he will see where the poetry comes in. [38] He wrote on sheets of a large quarto size, in a very small and close hand, so that his usual 'task' of six 'leaves' meant about thirty pages of print, though not very small or close print. [39] It was early in this year, on February 23, at a Theatrical Fund dinner, that he made public avowal of the authorship of Waverley. [40] Cadell did not like any of them much, and objected still more to others intended to follow them. Sir Walter, therefore, kept these back, and gave them later to Heath's Keepsake. They now appear with their intended companions: the slightest, The Tapestried Chamber, is perhaps the best. [41] Compare Diary, 1827, Nov. 7 ('I fairly softened myself like an old fool with recalling old stories, till I was fit for nothing but shedding tears and repeating verses the whole night'), with the famous couplet in 'Rose Aylmer'— 'A night of memories and of sighs I consecrate to thee.' [42] Scott's name for James Ballantyne, as 'Rigdumfunnidos' was for John. [43] See his own unqualified and almost too gushing acknowledgment of this ten years before, in the Familiar Letters, ii. 84-85, note. [44] It had also caused great and very painful trouble in his lame leg, which from this time onwards had to be mechanically treated. [45] The Burke and Hare murders were recent. [46] The success of the Magnum had allowed a second large dividend to be paid, and the creditors had been generous enough to restore Scott's forks, spoons, and books to him. [47] So, in a still earlier generation, Johnson, after calling his step-daughter 'my dearest love,' and writing in the simplest way, will end, and quite properly, with, 'Madam, your obedient, humble servant.' [48] He made, as is well known, preparations to 'meet' General Gourgaud, who was wroth about the Napoleon, but who never actually challenged him. [49] Most injustice has perforce been done to his miscellaneous verse lying outside the great poems, and not all of it included in the novels. It would be impossible to dwell on all the good things, from Helvellyn and The Norman Horseshoe onward; and useless to select a few. Some of his best things are among them: few are without force, and fire, and unstudied melody. The song-scraps, like the mottoes, in his novels are often really marvellous snatches of improvisation. [50] Il y a plus de philosophie dans ses écrits ... que dans bon nombre de romans philosophiques. [51] When some tactless person tried to play tricks with the Crown. OPINIONS OF THE PRESS ON THE "FAMOUS SCOTS" SERIES. Of THOMAS CARLYLE, by H. C. Macpherson, the British Weekly says:— "We congratulate the publishers on the in every way attractive appearance of the first volume of their new series. The typography is everything that could be wished, and the binding is most tasteful.... We heartily congratulate author and publishers on the happy commencement of this admirable enterprise." The Literary World says:— "One of the very best little books on Carlyle yet written, far outweighing in value some more pretentious works with which we are familiar." The Scotsman says:— "As an estimate of the Carlylean philosophy, and of Carlyle's place in literature and his influence in the domains of morals, politics, and social ethics, the volume reveals not only care and fairness, but insight and a large capacity for original thought and judgment." The Glasgow Daily Record says:— "Is distinctly creditable to the publishers, and worthy of a national series such as they have projected." The Educational News says:— "The book is written in an able, masterly, and painstaking manner." Of ALLAN RAMSAY, by Oliphant Smeaton, the Scotsman says:— "It is not a patchwork picture, but one in which the writer, taking genuine interest in his subject, and bestowing conscientious pains on his task, has his materials well in hand, and has used them to produce a portrait that is both lifelike and well balanced." The People's Friend says:— "Presents a very interesting sketch of the life of the poet, as well as a well-balanced estimate and review of his works." The Edinburgh Dispatch says:— "The author has shown scholarship and much enthusiasm in his task." The Daily Record says:— "The kindly, vain, and pompous little wig-maker lives for us in Mr. Smeaton's pages." The Glasgow Herald says:— "A careful and intelligent study." Of HUGH MILLER, by W. Keith Leask, the Expository Times says:— "It is a right good book and a right true biography.... There is a very fine sense of Hugh Miller's greatness as a man and a Scotsman; there is also a fine choice of language in making it ours." The Bookseller says:— "Mr. Leask gives the reader a clear impression of the simplicity, and yet the greatness, of his hero, and the broad result of his life's work is very plainly and carefully set forth. A short appreciation of his scientific labours, from the competent pen of Sir Archibald Geikie, and a useful bibliography of his works, complete a volume which is well worth reading for its own sake, and which forms a worthy installment in an admirable series." The Daily News says:— {160} Of JOHN KNOX, by A. Taylor Innes, Mr. Hay Fleming, in the Bookman says:— "A masterly delineation of those stirring times in Scotland, and of that famous Scot who helped so much to shape them." The Freeman says:— "It is a concise, well written, and admirable narrative of the great Reformer's life, and in its estimate of his character and work it is calm, dispassionate, and well balanced.... It is a welcome addition to our Knox literature." The Speaker says:— "There is vision in this book, as well as knowledge." The Sunday School Chronicle says:— "Everybody who is acquainted with Mr. Taylor Innes's exquisite lecture on Samuel Rutherford will feel instinctively that he is just the man to do justice to the great Reformer, who is more to Scotland 'than any million of unblameable Scotsmen who need no forgiveness.' His literary skill, his thorough acquaintance with Scottish ecclesiastical life, his religious insight, his chastened enthusiasm, have enabled the author to produce an excellent piece of work.... It is a noble and inspiring theme, and Mr. Taylor Innes has handled it to perfection." Of ROBERT BURNS, by Gabriel Setoun, the New Age says:— "It is the best thing on Burns we have yet had, almost as good as Carlyle's Essay and the pamphlet published by Dr. Nichol of Glasgow." The Methodist Times says:— "We are inclined to regard it as the very best that has yet been produced. There is a proper perspective, and Mr. Setoun does neither praise nor blame too copiously.... A difficult bit of work has been well done, and with fine literary and ethical discrimination." Youth says:— "It is written with knowledge, judgment, and skill.... The author's estimate of the moral character of Burns is temperate and discriminating; he sees and states his evil qualities, and beside these he places his good ones in their fulness, depth, and splendour. The exposition of the special features marking the genius of the poet is able and penetrating." Of THE BALLADISTS, by John Geddie, the Birmingham Daily Gazette says:— "As a popular sketch of an intensely popular theme, Mr. Geddie's contribution to the 'Famous Scots Series' is most excellent." The Publishers' Circular says:— "It may be predicted that lovers of romantic literature will re-peruse the old ballads with a quickened zest after reading Mr. Geddie's book. We have not had a more welcome little volume for many a day." The New Age says:— "One of the most delightful and eloquent appreciations of the ballad literature of Scotland that has ever seen the light." The Spectator says:— "The author has certainly made a contribution of remarkable value to the literary history of Scotland. We do not know of a book in which the subject has been treated with deeper sympathy or out of a fuller knowledge." End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Sir Walter Scott, by George Saintsbury * END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SIR WALTER SCOTT * *** This file should be named 29624-h.htm or 29624-h.zip * This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: http://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/6/2/29624/ Produced by Susan Skinner and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will be renamed. Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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What was the name of the mystic fluid which flowed through the veins of the mythological gods?	Pages Relating to Particular Works by Scott Synopses and General Introductions \| Criticism \| Sources \| Art \| Settings Synopses and General Introductions A Brief History of Western Culture - Brief but cogent analysis of The Antiquary , focussing, in particular, on the absence of a central thread and on the themes of dilettantism and conversation. The Squashed Version of The Antiquary - A radically condensed and abridged version of the novel from Glyn Hughes's Squashed Writers , which offers 'all the books you think you ought to have read, in their own words... but magically Squashed into half-hour short stories'. Wikipedia - This entry provides (as at March 2007) a detailed plot summary of The Antiquary, a brief discussion of its debt to Gothic fiction, a list of characters, and links to relevant webpages. Back to The Antiquary Criticism Sir Walter Scott and The Antiquary - From Bellrock.org.uk ('A reference site for Stevenson's Bell Rock Lighthouse'), this page refers to Scott's visit to Arbroath in 1814 while on a tour of Scottish lighthouses and his subsequent decision to set The Antiquary around Arbroath. It includes a critical analysis of the novel by Nicola Watson. Back to The Antiquary Sources Edie Ochiltree's Grave, Roxburgh - From the visitor information site Discover the Borders , a page on the carved gravestone of Andrew Gemmels, the 'gaberlunzie man', who died at the age of 106, and upon whom Scott is though to have based the character Edie Ochiltree in The Antiquary. Together with a photograph of the gravestone, the page gives directions and information on visiting hours. Back to The Antiquary Art Inspired by The Antiquary John Henning as Edie Ochiltree - From the Getty Museum , an image of a photograph by D.O. Hill and Robert Adamson (taken ca. 1846-47) of the sculptor John Henning in the character of Edie Ochiltree, the mendicant in The Antiquary. Back to The Antiquary Settings Hospitalfield House - From Angus Council's Local History site, this page describes (with accompanying images) Hospitalfield House, the model for Monkbarns in The Antiquary. Back to top The Betrothed Wikipedia - Very brief entry (as at March 2007) on The Betrothed offering some notes on the novel's negative critical reception and links to external sites. Back to top The Black Dwarf Manor (Parish) - An article from the Imperial Gazetteer of Scotland (1868), hosted by RootsWeb , which identifies the parish's greatest attraction as the cottage of the 'Black Dwarf', home to the reclusive David Ritchie, on whom Scott partially modelled the titular character of The Black Dwarf . The Parish Kirkyard also contains a monument to Ritchie's memory. Wikipedia - Brief entry (as at June 2008) on The Black Dwarf, providing a plot summary, a general introduction to Tales of My Landlord , and a list of external links. Synopses and General Introductions \| Concordances \| Adaptations \| Settings Synopses and General Introductions The Literary Encyclopedia - Detailed entry by Nathan Uglow (Leeds Trinity & All Saints), outlining the compositional history and plot of The Bride of Lammermoor and analysing its 'Tory pessimism'. (Now subscription-only.) Wikipedia - Very brief entry (as at March 2007) providing a plot outline and a note on the real-life episode which inspired the novel. Back to The Bride of Lammermoor Concordances Back to The Bride of Lammermoor Adaptations Gaetano Donizetti: Lucia di Lammermoor - From Italian Opera , an Italian-language page on Donizetti's 1835 operatic version of The Bride of Lammermoor which gives details of the first performance and provides a synopsis of the plot. Lucia di Lammermoor - From the opera information directory OperaGlass , this page offers links to pages on the composer Donizetti, librettist Salvatore Cammarano, and performance history, to e-texts of the libretto and source text, to synopses and to a discography. Lucia di Lammermoor - From Paul F. Zweifel 's home page, programme notes for Donizetti's 1835 opera Lucia di Lammermoor, highlighting the areas where the libretto departs from the source text, Scott's The Bride of Lammermoor. Back to The Bride of Lammermoor Settings Baldoon Castle - From the Bladnoch Distillery site, an extract from Peter Underword's Gazetteer of Scottish and Irish Ghosts (1973) which describes the wedding night of Janet Dalrymple and David Dunbar at Baldoon Castle near Wigtown, an episode on which Scott based the conclusion to The Bride of Lammermoor. Baldoon Castle - From the tourist information site VisitSouthernScotland.com , a page on Baldoon Castle, discussing its role as a historical setting for The Bride of Lammermoor (see above) and providing full visitor information. Baldoon Castle - From Haunted Places in the UK , a page on Baldoon Castle, in which the events of Janet Dalrymple's wedding night are told from her own perspective. Famous Haunted Places: Baldoon Castle - From Angels & Ghosts , an account by Walter Bissell of the wedding night of Janet Dalrymple and David Dunbar (see above) which quotes from Scott's fictional elaboration of the episode in The Bride of Lammermoor. Janet Dalrymple's ghost is reputed to haunt the castle. Nunraw Past and Present - From the Nunraw Abbey Homepage , this page by Fr. Michael Sherry OCSO includes a discussion of Nunraw's claim to be recognised as the 'Ravenswood' of Scott's The Bride of Lammermoor. Back to top The Fair Maid of Perth The Fair Maid of Perth's House - From McGonagall Online , a site devoted to the Poetic Gems of William McGonagall, 'widely hailed as the writer of the worst poetry in the English language'. This 'gem' celebrates the house of Catherine Glover, Scott's model for The Fair Maid of Perth . Wikipedia - Very brief entry on The Fair Maid of Perth (as at June 2008) which provides a plot outline, points out the historical anomaly which sees Rothesay die six years earlier in the novel than in real life, refers to Bizet's operatic adaptation La jolie fille de Perth (1867), and gives a list of external links. Back to top The Fortunes of Nigel Synopses and General Introductions \| Criticism \| Art \| Miscellaneous Synopses and General Introductions Reflections on Great Literature - From David C. Lahti's site, this page offers a synopsis of the novel, brief analysis, significant quotations from the text, and recommendations of other books that an admirer of Guy Mannering might enjoy. The Squashed Version of Guy Mannering, or The Astrologer - A radically condensed and abridged version of the novel from Glyn Hughes's Squashed Writers , which offers 'all the books you think you ought to have read, in their own words... but magically Squashed into half-hour short stories'. Wikipedia - Brief entry (as at June 2008) on Guy Mannering offering a plot summary, list of characters, and links to e-texts and other relevant websites. Back to Guy Mannering Criticism Border and Frontier: Tourism in Scott's Guy Mannering and Cooper's The Pioneers - From the James Fenimore Cooper Society site, this essay by George G. Dekker (Stanford University) was originally published in James Fenimore Cooper Society Miscellaneous Papers, 9 (Aug. 1997). It discusses how Guy Mannering inspired Cooper to an act of emulation and rivalry in The Pioneers (1823) and focuses particularly on how characters in the two novels react to their physical and human environment as tourists. Back to Guy Mannering Art Inspired by Guy Mannering Charlotte Cushman as Meg Merrilies - From Cushman & Allerton Genealogy , a site hosted by RootsWeb , an image of an engraving first published in the Theatrical Times (London), September 5, 1846, showing American actress Charlotte Cushman (1816-76) in the role of Meg Merrilies in an adaptation of Guy Mannering. The Wikipedia entry for Cushman has a photograph of the actress in the same role. Back to Guy Mannering Miscellaneous Dandie Dinmont Terrier - From Dog Cart Art , a site featuring images of pre-World War II cigarette cards devoted to breeds of dogs, a page of cards portraying the Dandie Dinmont terrier. The accompanying texts note that the breed is named after a character in Guy Mannering. Dandie Dinmont Terrier - From Saúde Animal (a Brazilian site devoted to animal health), this Portugese-language page describes the breed named after the character in Guy Mannering with information on Dandie Dinmont's real-life 'model', James Davidson. Dandie Dinmont Breed History - From Montizard Dandie Dinmont Terriers , a dog-breeding site, a page on the history of the Dandie Dinmont Terrier, which describes how Scott helped popularize the breed through the success of Guy Mannering. 'Meg Merrilies' - From Representative Poetry Online , one of many available e-texts of Keats's ballad 'Meg Merrilies' inspired by the gypsy character in Guy Mannering. Synopses and General Introductions \| Concordances \| Illustrations \| Settings Synopses and General Introductions The Literary Encyclopedia - Detailed entry by Annika Bautz (Newcastle), outlining the compositional history and plot of The Heart of Mid-Lothian and providing a critical commentary. (Now subscription only.) The Squashed Version of The Heart of Midlothian - A radically condensed and abridged version of the novel from Glyn Hughes's Squashed Writers , which offers 'all the books you think you ought to have read, in their own words... but magically Squashed into half-hour short stories'. Wikipedia - This entry (as at March 2007) provides a brief compositional history, a plot summary, a list of characters, and links to external sites. Back to The Heart of Mid-Lothian Concordances Back to The Heart of Mid-Lothian Illustrations The Heart of Mid-Lothian - From Digital Memories, an online newsletter featuring historical artefacts from the Department of Special Collections, University of Idaho Library , this page reproduces an engraving by William Forrest after a painting by Samuel Bough, depicting the scene in Chapter 15 of The Heart of Mid-Lothian where Jeanie Deans goes to a moonlit meeting with George Staunton near the cursed spot of Muschat's Cairn. Originally published as one of Six Engravings in Illustration of The Heart of Midlothian (Edinburgh: Royal Association for Promotion of the Fine Arts in Scotland, 1873), the engraving was reproduced in the 1898 'Border Edition' of the Waverley Novels, from which the University of Idaho Library's image was made. The accompanying text discusses the development of book illustration in the second half of the nineteenth century and Scott's impact on the visual arts. Back to The Heart of Mid-Lothian Settings The Luckenbooths - JK Gillon's page on the Luckenbooths ('locked booths') in Edinburgh's High Street, which were the centre for trade in the city until their demolition in 1817, includes a descriptive passage from The Heart of Mid-Lothian along with a number of nineteenth-century prints. Synopses and General Introductions \| Criticism \| Sources \| Concordances \| Adaptations \| Illustrations \| Settings \| Miscellaneous Synopses and General Introductions Ivanhoe by Walter Scott - From Richard Crawford's Gallery pages, this page provides information on Scott and Ivanhoe with particular emphasis on the treatment of its Jewish characters. There are links to e-texts of Ivanhoe, to other Scott-related sites, and to sites dealing with medieval England. MonkeyNotes: Ivanhoe - From MonkeyNotes Study Guides , this page offers information on 'Key Literary Elements' (Setting, Characters, Conflict, Plot, Themes, Mood, Background Information, Literary Information, Historical Information), chapter summaries with notes, an 'Overall Analysis' (in terms of characters, plot, themes, and style), a list of study questions and a link to a discussion board. Sparknotes Study Guide - These pages provide a plot summary, biographical account of the author, discussion of the novel's historical background, dictionary of characters, and critical analysis. They are marred by biographical inaccuracies, typographical errors, and questionable critical judgment. The Squashed Version of Ivanhoe - A radically condensed and abridged version of the novel from Glyn Hughes's Squashed Writers , which offers 'all the books you think you ought to have read, in their own words... but magically Squashed into half-hour short stories'. Wikipedia - Detailed entry (as at June 2008) providing a plot summary, lists of characters, of allusions to real history and geography, and of allusions made to Ivanhoe in other works, a discussion of the novel's contribution to the image or Robin Hood, an assessment of its historical accuracy, a comprehensive list of film, TV or theatrical adaptations, and links to external sites. Back to Ivanhoe Criticism The Hermit in Lore: Walter Scott's Ivanhoe' - From The Hermitary ('Resources and Reflections on Hermits and Solitude'), this essay essays both medieval and Scott's own attitudes to eremiticism with reference to Ivanhoe, noting some of the anachronisms in the portrayal of Friar Tuck. Back to Ivanhoe Sources Rebecca Gratz: Ivanhoe Legend - From the Jewish Women's Archive site, a page on the tradition that Scott's Rebecca was based on the American Jewish philanthropist Rebecca Gratz. Back to Ivanhoe Concordances Back to Ivanhoe Adaptations Ivanhoe by Arthur Sullivan - From The Gilbert and Sullivan Archive at Boise State University , this page is devoted to a romantic opera based on Scott's novel which was first staged in 1891. There are links to a full libretto, midi files of the music, a downloadable vocal score, an introductory essay, notes on the music, a plot summary, a discography, and accounts of various productions of the opera. Sullivan's Ivanhoe - From Webrarian , an extensive 1977 essay by Chris Goddard on Sir Arthur Sullivan's Ivanhoe, placing the opera within its historical context, plotting a compositional history, analysing both libretto and music, and providing a detailed account of the first production. Back to Ivanhoe Illustrations 'The Disinherited Knight's Challenge' - From Stephen Railton's Mark Twain in His Times site, an illustration from the 1893 Dryburgh edition of Ivanhoe, accompanying a piece on Scott's popularity in the ante bellum American South. Olga's Gallery: Sir Walter Scott (1771-1832) - From Dr Olga Mataev's Olga's Gallery site, this page contains a clickable image of Eugène Delacroix's painting The Abduction of Rebecca together with a plot summary of Ivanhoe . Back to Ivanhoe Settings Yorkshire's Castles: Conisbrough Castle - From h2g2 , an interactive encyclopaedic project run by the BBC , this page quotes Scott's description of Conisbrough Castle in Ivanhoe (where it features as the home of Athelstane). It describes the role played by Conisbrough Castle in Scott's novel and quotes an extract from Scott's correspondence recalling his first vision of the castle through the window of a mail coach in 1801. Back to Ivanhoe Miscellaneous Synopses and General Introductions \| Concordances \| Adaptations \| Illustrations \| Miscellaneous Synopses and General Introductions The Squashed Version of Kenilworth - A radically condensed and abridged version of the novel from Glyn Hughes's Squashed Writers , which offers 'all the books you think you ought to have read, in their own words... but magically Squashed into half-hour short stories'. Wikipedia - The entry on Kenilworth provides (as at June 2008) a brief plot summary, list of themes, and note of historical inaccuracies.. Back to Kenilworth Concordances Back to Kenilworth Adaptations Gaetano Donizetti: Il castello di Kenilworth - From Italian Opera , an Italian-language page on Donizetti's 1829 opera Il castello di Kenilworth, or, Elisabetta al castello di Kenilworth with a libretto based on Scott's Kenilworth. Details are given of the first performance and links are included to e-texts of Scott's novel. Victor Hugo: Amy Robsart - This collection of Hugo e-texts, published by the Académie de Strasbourg , includes the French-language text of Hugo's 1828 play Amy Robsart which was based on Scott's Kenilworth. The introduction includes an extract from Adèle Hugo's biography of her husband which traces the genesis of the piece. Back to Kenilworth Illustrations Walter Scott: Kenilworth - From the Tegneseriemuseet i Danmark (The Comics Museum of Denmark), an illustration from a comic-book version of Kenilworth. Back to Kenilworth Miscellaneous Robsart - From Saskatchewan Ghost Towns , an account of a settlement founded in 1910 and named after Amy Robsart, heroine of Kenilworth. The settlement declined during the Great Depression and is now home to only a handful of residents. Back to top A Legend of Montrose The Literary Encyclopedia - Detailed entry by Nathan Uglow (Leeds Trinity & All Saints), outlining the compositional history and plot of A Legend of Montrose and discussing Scott's use of fictional narrators and framing narratives. (Now subscription only.) Wikipedia - Brief entry (as at March 2007) providing a plot summary and links to relevant external sites. Back to top The Monastery A Lost House: Cairncross of Colmslie - From the Cairncross Family Web Site , a reprint of a 1905 article by the Rev. T. S. Cairncross about Comslie Tower near Melrose. The article quotes the introduction to the Magnum Opus edition of The Monastery where Scott denies any real resemblance between Colmslie (and the neighbouring towers of Hillslap and Langshaw) and his fictional Glendearg. It also discusses Scott's citation of an extract from a traditional ballad on Colmslie. 'Roadside Meeting' by Albert Pinkham Ryder - From The Butler Institute of American Art , an image of an oil painting by Albert Pinkham Ryder (1847-1917) depicting the meeting of Stawarth Bolton and Elspeth Glendinning in Chapter 2 of The Monastery. Transcendental Aesthetics: The Golden Waters - Reprinted by The Victorian Web , this is the opening chapter of Paul L. Sawyer's Ruskin's Poetic Argument: The Design of the Major Works (1985). It discusses Ruskin's love of The Monastery, his favourite childhood book, themes from which reappear throughout his work. Wikipedia - Very brief entry (as of March 2007) offering a plot outline and list of main characters. Back to top 'My Aunt Margaret's Mirror' Sir Walter Scott, 'My Aunt Margaret's Mirror' - From Histoire de la Télévision/History of Television , this page discusses 'My Aunt Margaret's Mirror' as one of a number of texts illustrating the age-old desire to see what is distant. It provides publications details and a précis (in French), a lengthy extract (in English) and an external link to an e-text. Synopses and General Introductions \| Criticism \| Adaptations \| Settings Synopses and General Introductions A Brief History of Western Culture - Brief but cogent analysis of Old Mortality , arguing that Scott's attempt to write 'as fairly as he could about a movement to which he was unsympathetic' is thwarted by an 'insidious manipulation' which gently but continuously slants his reading of Covenanting history towards an emasculation of opposing views. The Literary Encyclopedia - Detailed entry by Nathan Uglow (Leeds Trinity & All Saints), outlining Old Mortality's compositional history and plot and providing a critical analysis which highlights Scott's concept of chivalry. (Now subscription only.) The Squashed Version of Old Mortality - A radically condensed and abridged version of the novel from Glyn Hughes's Squashed Writers , which offers 'all the books you think you ought to have read, in their own words... but magically Squashed into half-hour short stories'. Wikipedia - Brief entry (as at March 2007) providing a plot summary and list of relevant external links. Back to Old Mortality Criticism 'Past Masters' - From things magazine , an article by Jane Stevenson on the 'antiquarian instinct', which identifies Scott as the originator of 'Highland Picturesque' in Waverley and discusses the controversies sparked by Scott's attempt to give the Covenanting period an antiquarian treatment in Old Mortality. Thomas McCrie, Review of Tales of My Landlord, Christian Instructor, 1817 - From the Scottish Preachers' Hall of Fame , a page on Thomas McCrie's powerful defence of the Covenanters in his review of Old Mortality, with extracts from the correspondence between McCrie and Andrew Thomson, editor of the Christian Instructor, which led to the publication of the review. Back to Old Mortality Adaptations Vincenzo Bellini: I puritani - From Italian Opera , an Italian-language page on Bellini's 1835 opera I puritani which is very freely inspired by Scott's Old Mortality. The page provides details of the first performance and a synopsis of the plot. Back to Old Mortality Settings Draffan - From Malcolm Hutton's Family History hosted by RootsWeb , this page discusses how Scott based Tillietudlem Castle in Old Mortality on Craignethan Castle in Lanarkshire (built on the site of the earlier Draffan Castle). It describes how a railway station named 'Tillietudlem' was subsequently built near the castle and how a village of that name grew up around it. Synopses and General Introductions \| Sources \| Settings Synopses and General Introductions The Squashed Version of Peveril of the Peak - A radically condensed and abridged version of Peveril of the Peak from Glyn Hughes's Squashed Writers , which offers 'all the books you think you ought to have read, in their own words... but magically Squashed into half-hour short stories'. Wikipedia - Very brief entry (as at March 2007) offering a plot outline and notes on the novel's reception. Back to Peveril of the Peak Sources Illiam Dhône and the Manx Rebellion, 1651 - From A Manx Note Book, this is an e-text of a volume printed by the Manx Society in 1877 which gathered authentic archive material on the rebellion against the Earl of Derby, Lord of the Island, an episode depicted in Scott's Peveril of the Peak. The preface by editor William Harrison discusses Scott's treatment of the rising and its leader Illiam Dhône (or William Christian). Back to Peveril of the Peak Settings Bygone Altrincham: The Town in 1800 - From the genealogical Balshaw Name Web Site , an extract from Charles Nickson's Bygone Altrincham (1935) which quotes Scott's description of the Cheshire town in Peveril of the Peak. Peveril Castle, Derbyshire, UK - From h2g2 , an interactive encyclopaedic project run by the BBC , a page on a castle which Scott uses as a setting in Peveril of the Peak. It notes how the interest created by Scott's novel led to the renovation of the castle. Synopses and General Introductions \| Sources \| Settings Synopses and General Introductions El Pirata de Walter Scott - From Gilichorradas , a Spanish-language blog by M. Imbelecio Delatorre which provides a brief compositional history and précis of The Pirate and praise for the 1923 Spanish translation by Catalan journalist Eugenio Xammar. The Literary Encyclopedia - Detailed entry by Nathan Uglow (Leeds Trinity & All Saints), outlining the compositional history and plot of The Pirate and providing a critical analysis which centres upon Scott's deployment of the Romantic concept of Fate. (Now subscription only.) Wikipedia - The brief entry on The Pirate provides a plot outline and list of characters (as at March 2007). Back to The Pirate Sources John Gow - From the Fea Family Website , a biographical page on John Gow, 'the Orkney Pirate' which notes Scott's departures from the historical account when recasting Gow as Captain Cleveland in The Pirate. James Fea, an ancestor of the site editors, was instrumental in Gow's capture. John Gow, the Orkney Pirate - From the heritage site Orkneyjar , a biographical page on the pirate John Gow (ca 1698-1725) who is thought to be the model of Captain Cleveland in Scott's The Pirate. Bessie Millie - From the genealogical site Ancestral Orkney , a paragraph on the Stromness 'witch' Bessie Millie who was reputed to sell favourable winds to sailors. She is said to have been visited by Scott during his 1814 visit to Orkney and to have inspired the character of Norma of the Fitful Head in The Pirate. She is also thought to have provided Scott with an account of the life of John Gow whom she claimed to have known. Back to The Pirate Settings Brims Family History: Myths and Legends - This page refers to the tradition that Brims Castle, near Thurso, Caithness, was the model for Jarishof in The Pirate. The Standing Stones o' Stenness: Sir Walter Scott's 'Sacrificial Altar' - From Orkneyjar , a site dedicated to preserving, exploring and documenting the ancient history, folklore and traditions of Orkney, this page discusses Scott's description of the Standing Stones in his 'Essay on Border Antiquities' (1814). Scott's contentious claim that the central stone slab originally formed part of a sacrificial altar eventually led to the 'altar''s reconstruction in 1907. The 'altar' was dismantled in mysterious circumstances in 1972. The Stones also feature in The Pirate. Synopses and General Introductions \| Criticism Synopses and General Introductions A Brief History of Western Culture - Brief but cogent analysis of Quentin Durward which suggests that 'Scott’s interest in royalty [may be] associated with a determination to view the behaviour of a human when untrammelled by institutions'. The Squashed Version of Quentin Durward - A radically condensed and abridged version of the novel from Glyn Hughes's Squashed Writers , which offers 'all the books you think you ought to have read, in their own words... but magically Squashed into half-hour short stories'. Wikipedia - This entry offers (as at March 2007) a plot summary, list of characters, list of film, TV, and theatrical adaptations, and links to external sites. Back to Quentin Durward Criticism Le Roi se meurt - From the online newspaper L'Alsace/Le Pays , a French-language page on the evil reputation of King Louis XI which discusses Scott's contribution to his legend in Quentin Durward. Back to top Redgauntlet The Literary Encyclopedia - Detailed entry by Nathan Uglow (Leeds Trinity & All Saints), outlining Redgauntlet 's compositional history and plot and providing a critical analysis. The moral of the tale is that 'grievances need to be settled as soon as possible or they will proliferate, siphoning off vital energy to perpetuate their (worse than) useless existence'. (Now subscription only.) Redgauntlet, by Angus Allan - From Animus Web , a site devoted to cult TV, this interview with cartoonist Angus Allan covers his work for Look-In magazine (the 'Junior TV Times') and includes an illustration from a 1971 strip based on a TV adaptation of Redgauntlet. Allan recalls that 'putting complex plots like those of Walter Scott into a running picture serial was like being in hell'. Wikipedia - This entry offers (as at March 2007) a plot summary, a discussion of 'Wandering Willie's Tale', a list of allusions/references to actual history, geography and current science, and links to external sites. Synopses and General Introductions \| Criticism \| Sources \| Settings Synopses and General Introductions A Brief History of Western Culture - Brief but cogent analysis of Rob Roy as 'an interesting kind of failure', stressing the excessive delay before the narrative reaches the Highlands and lack of any vital plot connection between Frank Osbaldistone and Rob Roy Macgregor. The Literary Encyclopedia - Detailed entry by Nathan Uglow (Leeds Trinity & All Saints), outlining Rob Roy's compositional history and plot, discussing Scott's use of Picaresque conventions, and providing a critical commentary which sees Scott as casting history 'as the world of conspiracy and the theatre of illusion'. (Now subscription only.) The Squashed Version of Rob Roy - A radically condensed and abridged version of the novel from Glyn Hughes's Squashed Writers , which offers 'all the books you think you ought to have read, in their own words... but magically Squashed into half-hour short stories'. Wikipedia - This entry (as at June 2008) contains a brief compositional history and plot summary, a list of 'cultural references' including links to entries on film adaptations of the novel, and links to external sites. Back to Rob Roy Criticism 'Random Memories: rosa quo locorum' by Robert Louis Stevenson - From the University of Adelaide Library Electronic Texts Collection , this piece from Essays of Travel on Stevenson's childhood reading describes his pleasure on discovering Rob Roy. 'When I think of that novel and that evening,' Stevenson writes, 'I am impatient with all others; they seem but shadows and impostors; they cannot satisfy the appetite which this awakened; and I dare be known to think it the best of Sir Walter’s by nearly as much as Sir Walter is the best of novelists.' Sir Walter Scotts Familial History in Rob Roy - From A 19th-Century BritLit Web , a collaborative work-in-progress produced by students and faculty at Cedar Crest College and West Chester University, this essay by student Jody Kilpatrick (Cedar Crest College) examines autobiographical subtexts in Rob Roy. Back to Rob Roy Sources Rob Roy MacGregor (or McGregor) - From the tourist information site InCallander , a biographical page on Rob Roy MacGregor, including a lengthy extract from Picturesque Scotland (1883) by Francis Watt and Andrew Carter. Back to Rob Roy Settings Clan Gregor Burial Sites - From Clan Gregor International , this page includes clickable images of photographs of Rob Roy's Grave and 'The Heart of Midlothian' and of a portrait of Roderick Dhu by Howard Chandler Christy taken from a 1910 edition of The Lady of the Lake . Rob Roy in Northumberland - From Louis Stott's Blog , this essay discusses Scott's knowledge of Northumberland and his portrayal of the country and of the Northumbrian Jacobites in Rob Roy. In particular, it considers the competing claims of Chillingham Castle and Biddlestone Hall to be considered the models for Scott's Osbaldistone Hall. The Rob Roy Way - A site tracing a seven-day walk across the Southern Highlands, following the tracks and paths used by Rob Roy MacGregor in the 17th and 18th centuries and noting locations featured in Scott's novel Rob Roy. Back to top Saint Ronan's Well Innerleithen - From VisitScotland.com , the official site of the Scottish Tourist Board, a page noting the identification of Innerleithen with the eponymous fictional spa-town of Saint Ronan's Well and its consequent development as a tourist attraction. The town is home to the St. Ronan's Well Interpretative Centre , which houses a display on the history of the spa and on its links with Burns, Scott, and James Hogg. Innerleithen (Parish) - From GENUKI , the UK and Ireland genealogical site, this entry from the Imperial Gazetteer of Scotland (1868) includes two paragraphs on the village of Innerleithen which note its emergence as a tourist destination following its identification with Scott's Saint Ronan's Well. Wikipedia - Very brief entry (as at March 2007) on Saint Ronan's Well, offering a plot outline, a list of significant characters, and a characteristic quotation from Meg Dods. Back to top The Talisman The Squashed Version of The Talisman - A radically condensed and abridged version of The Talisman from Glyn Hughes's Squashed Writers , which offers 'all the books you think you ought to have read, in their own words... but magically Squashed into half-hour short stories'. Wikipedia - This entry offers (as at March 2007) a plot summary, a discussion of major themes, and a list of external links. Synopses and General Introductions \| Criticism \| Adaptations \| Miscellaneous Synopses and General Introductions The Literary Encyclopedia - Detailed entry by Nathan Uglow (Leeds Trinity & All Saints), outlining Waverley 's compositional history and plot and providing a critical analysis which sees Scott enriching the formulaic narrative of the turn-of-the-century ‘perils of the imagination’ genre with geographical, political, and historical resonance. Reflections on Great Literature - From David C. Lahti's site, this page offers a synopsis of the novel, brief analysis, significant quotations from the text, and recommendations of other books that an admirer of Waverley might enjoy. Wikipedia - Detailed entry (as at June 2008) providing a plot summary, lists of characters, major themes, allusions/references (to other works, history, geography and science), an assessment of the work's literary significance, and a brief account of its critical reception. Back to Waverley Criticism 'The Celtic Muse in Walter Scott's Waverley' by Christopher Rollason - From Silicon Glen , an internet guide to Scotland, an article by Christopher Rollason which highlights Scott's depiction, in the middle section of Waverley, of the strength and vitality of traditional culture (both Highland and Lowland), and, in particular, folk poetry and music. Argues that the exposure to traditional culture forms an often overlooked part of Edward Waverley's learning process. 'Edward Waverley: The Child of Caprice' by Jeremy Davis - From LiteratureClassics.com , an essay by an undergraduate student which argues that Waverley 'is an ambivalent text, seeking to chart a way between extreme positions (cultural as much as political)'. 'Past Masters' by Jane Stevenson - From things magazine , an article on the 'antiquarian instinct', which identifies Scott as the originator of 'Highland Picturesque' in Waverley and discusses the controversies sparked by Scott's attempt to give the Covenanting period an antiquarian treatment in Old Mortality . Waverley Hypertext - Edited by Andrew Monnickendam (Universitat autònoma de Barcelona), this site provides a critical reading of Waverley, together with information on Scott's literary-historical context, his predecessors, contemporaries, and successors, his major critics, and the most vital critical issues. It provides a good list of Scott-related links and e-texts. Back to Waverley Adaptations Berlioz's Grande Ouverture de 'Waverley' - From D. Kern Holoman's Berlioz 2003/UC-Davis site (devised to celebrate the bicentenary of Hector Berlioz's birth), this page provides a compositional history and analysis of the French Romantic composer's Waverley Overture (first performed 1828). Back to Waverley Miscellaneous Waverly: A Baltimore Neighborhood - From Drexel University , these pages contain a short history of the Waverly neighbourhood in North Baltimore. It was initially settled in the middle of the nineteenth century, as a small village, which also contained the summer homes of wealthy Baltimoreans. Originally called Huntington, the neighbourhood was renamed Waverly [sic] in honour of Scott. Back to Woodstock Adaptations Back to Woodstock Miscellaneous The Pigeon Pie by Charlotte M. Yonge - From the Charlotte Mary Yonge Fellowship Website , a project providing scholarly and general information on an overlooked Victorian writer, this page provides publication details, a summary, and a bibliography for Yonge's 1880 novel The Pigeon Pie with links to an online text. The summary suggests that The Pigeon Pie was written as a corrective to Scott's Woodstock, presenting the Royalist cause in a less ambiguously positive light. A Tribute to Jorstadt Castle (now 'Singer Castle') - From Patty Mondore's Home Page on Gold Mountain , a personal tribute page to a castle built between 1902 and 1904 on Dark Island in Upstate New York for Commodore Frederick Gilbert Bourne, fourth President of the Singer Sewing Manufacturing Company. The architect Ernest Flagg, who also designed both the Singer Building in New York City, modelled his design on the description of the royal hunting lodge in Woodstock Park in Scott's Woodstock. A video and book on the Castle are also available from the site. Singer Castle on Dark Island - Official site providing visitor information on Singer Castle which was modelled by Ernest Flagg on a description in Scott's Woodstock (see above). The site provides a brief history of the building and numerous images. Singer Castle (formerly Jorstadt Castle) - From Castles of the United States , a page on Singer Castle (see above) collating information on the castle which was modelled by Ernest Flagg on a description in Scott's Woodstock. Synopses and General Introductions \| Concordances \| Adaptations \| Settings \| Miscellaneous Synopses and General Introductions The Literary Encyclopedia - Detailed entry by Susan Oliver (Essex/Wolfson College, Cambridge), outlining the compositional history of The Lady of the Lake , its plot and critical reception, and providing a critical commentary. Wikipedia - This Wikipedia entry on the Arthurian legend of the Lady of the Lake includes a paragraph on Scott's poem of that name with a discussion of the musical adaptations by Rossini and Schubert and links to e-texts. Back to The Lady of the Lake Concordances Back to The Lady of the Lake Adaptations Annual Review of Schubert's Life: 1825 - From the Schubert Institute (UK) , this page describes Schubert's setting of seven of the songs embedded in Scott's The Lady of the Lake, possibly inspired by Donizetti's operatic version of the poem La donna del lago. Schubert in Gmunden - From the Homepage of Tomoko Yamamoto , photographer, composer, and soprano, a page on Schubert's settings of seven songs from The Lady of the Lake which were first performed in Gmunden, Austria, in 1825. Lavishly illustrated with images of the town, the page includes a synopsis of the poem. 1825-26, On Tour, Gmunden Symphony, Scott Songs - From the Schubert Institute (UK) , Chapter 7 of Joseph Bennett's 1886 biography of Schubert, which includes a discussion of Schubert's settings of songs from The Lady of the Lake. Back to The Lady of the Lake Settings Loch Katrine - From Clan Gregor International , a guide to the tourist attractions of Loch Katrine with clickable images of photographs and nineteenth-century prints of locales made popular by The Lady of the Lake. There are links to a page on the steamship 'SS Sir Walter Scott' and to a text of William McGonagall's poem 'Loch Katrine' . Loch Katrine Steamship, Sir Walter Scott - From the InCallander Trossachs tourist information site, tells the story of the S.S. Sir Walter Scott which has sailed the waters of Loch Katrine since 1900 and describes the role of Scott's The Lady of the Lake in establishing the Loch Katrine tourist trade. Scottish Maritime Heritage: S.S. Sir Walter Scott - From The Heritage Trail , this page provides a comprehensive history of the S.S. Sir Walter Scott from its launch on 31 October 1899 to the present day. Back to The Lady of the Lake Miscellaneous Hail to the Chief - From Music, Theatre & Dance , the Library of Congress 's digital library of the performing arts, this page narrates how James Sanderson's setting of 'The Boat Song' from The Lady of the Lake eventually became the official musical tribute to the US President. Synopses and General Introductions \| Settings \| Miscellaneous Synopses and General Introductions The Literary Encyclopedia - Detailed entry by Susan Oliver (Essex/Wolfson College, Cambridge) on The Lay of the Last Minstrel , outlining the poem's compositional history, plot, and critical reception, and providing a critical commentary. Notes the poem's importance in creating a vogue in Britain for lengthy, historical verse romances that prefigured the rise of the Historical Novel and incorporated the already fashionable genre of the Gothic Tale. Wikipedia - Very brief entry (as at March 2007) offering a plot outline and list of external links. Back to The Lay of the Last Minstrel Settings Branxholm - From GENUKI , the UK and Ireland genealogical site, this is an entry from the Imperial Gazetteer of Scotland (1868) on Branxholm (or Branxholme or Branksome) Castle near Hawick, ancestral seat of the Scotts of Buccleuch. Quotes Canto I, stanzas 1-5 of The Lay of the Last Minstrel, depicting a medieval feast at the castle. Back to The Lay of the Last Minstrel Miscellaneous Famous Scots: Michael Scott the Wizard - From Rampant Scotland , this page includes a discussion of Walter Scott's contribution to the Michael Scott legend through his role in The Lay of the Last Minstrel. Border Island, Whitsunday Islands, Australia - From the Tourist Information site of the Whitsundays , this page discusses how local place names (Cateran Bay, Mosstrooper Peak, Minstrel Rocks) derive from The Lay of the Last Minstrel, as do the names of the neighbouring Deloraine and Esk Islands. Deloraine, Tasmania - From Walkabout , an Australian travel guide, an entry on a town named after Sir William Deloraine in Scott's The Lay of the Last Minstrel. The district was first surveyed and the settlement named by Thomas Scott (1800-55), a kinsman of the author. Criticism \| Sources \| Parodies \| Settings \| Miscellaneous Criticism 'An Explication of "Lochinvar"' - From A 19th-Century BritLit Web , a collaborative work-in-progress produced by students and faculty at Cedar Crest College and West Chester University, this essay by student Cheyenne DeMulder (Cedar Crest College) approaches 'Lochinvar' as 'an interesting study in human relationships and power struggles between correct roles and duties'. Back to 'Lochinvar' Sources Lochinvar, Our White Knight? - From the genealogical Land Family site, this text traces a family connection with James Montgomery who has been proposed as a model for Scott's 'young Lochinvar'. There is a link to a text of the ballad 'Lochinvar' (sung by Lady Heron in Marmion ). Back to 'Lochinvar' Parodies 'At Cheyenne' - From Representative Poetry Online , a parody of 'Lochinvar' by American poet Eugene Field (1850-1895) which transposes the action to the Wild West. 'At Cheyene' - From Joe Horn's Poetry Archive , another text of Field's parody followed by a text of Scott's 'Lochinvar' for comparison. Back to 'Lochinvar' Settings Lochinvar - From Andy Potts's genealogical site, the Sorbie Family Page , this page provides historical information on the site of the now submerged ruins of the former stronghold of the Gordons of Lochinvar, one of whom was featured as 'Young Lochinvar' in Lady Heron's song in Scott's Marmion . There is a paragraph on Scott followed by the text of 'Lochinvar'. Back to 'Lochinvar' Miscellaneous 'Lochinvar' Facts - From cartoonist Lochinvar Bucane's home page , this pages lists places, businesses, bands, and people named after 'Young Lochinvar'. The guest book includes further examples suggested by readers (including a cat) and a discussion of the etymology of 'Lochinvar'. 1897 Imperial - From Bicycle Aficionado Jim Langley's selection of Vintage Bicycle Ads , this advert proclaims that 'The Modern Lochinvar rides an Imperial' and depicts Young Lochinvar carrying off his bride on a bicycle pursued by other knights on inferior models. Back to top The Lord of the Isles Synopses and General Introductions \| Sources \| Adaptations \| Illustrations \| Settings Synopses and General Introductions A Brief History of Western Culture - Brief but cogent comment on Scott's poetical works in general and on Marmion in particular. Argues that where we think of Scott as 'one of the first authors to have a historic sense of the differentness of the past', Marmion appears to be acted by people of his own time in costume. Written while mainland Europe was a battleground, it is a statement about modernity. Also briefly analyzes Scott's influence on Whitman who took from him his 'particular conception of a national poet as someone who set his marginal nation on the map of civilized awareness, and whose own copious energy instantiated his nation’s potency'. The Literary Encyclopedia - Detailed entry by Susan Oliver (Essex/Wolfson College, Cambridge), outlining the compositional history of Marmion, its plot, and critical reception, and providing a critical commentary. Locates the poem's importance in capturing a high moment of neo-chivalric historicism, in its influence on other Romantic writers such as Byron, and in its quintessentially Romantic concern with the conscience of the main character as he struggles between self-interest and the desire for virtue. Wikipedia - Detailed entry (as at June 2008) providing a brief compositional history, plot summary, discussion of the poem's reception, and list of external links. Back to Marmion Sources Back to top Minstrelsy of the Scottish Border The Literary Encyclopedia - Detailed entry by Susan Oliver (Essex/Wolfson College, Cambridge), providing an excellent account of Scott's collection of materials for Minstrelsy of the Scottish Border , his stance on the contemporary argument over the status and social function of minstrels and bards, his editorial practice, and the Minstrelsy's publishing history. Oliver argues that the Minstrelsy can only be understood if considered as a work running through five main editions between 1802 and 1830, and hence across Scott’s entire career as a writer. Back to top Rokeby Quellen von Wilhelm Hauff zu 'Die Geschichte von dem Gespensterschiff' - A German-language essay from Herbert Hubert's Lesekost site on Wilhelm Hauff's sources for his tale of the Flying Dutchman. These included Scott's Rokeby , canto II, stanza 11 to which there is a link at the foot of the page. 'Rokeby' by J.M.W. Turner - From the Cecil Higgins Art Gallery , an image of a watercolour by Turner, depicting a narrow gorge between Rokeby and Mortham, Country Durham. On two boulders in the foreground, Turner has inscribed eight lines from Scott's Rokeby (1813). The painting was commissioned by Walter Fawkes of Farnley Hall in 1822 as one of seven watercolours to illustrate a volume of selected verses by Scott, Byron and Moore. Teesdale and Barnard Castle - From David Simpson's North East England History Pages , this page has paragraphs on Woden Croft, the River Balder, and Rokeby Hall, with descriptive quotations from Scott's Rokeby. C. Miscellaneous Prose Tales of a Grandfather A Brief History of Western Culture - Brief but cogent analysis stressing three passages of Tales of a Grandfather which merit particular attention: Scott's discussions of the origins of social ranks (ch. XXXIV), of the Glencoe Massacre (ch. LVIII), and of the Highland Clearances (ch. LXXXVII). A Chat with Magnus Magnusson - From Electric Scotland , an interview granted by Magnus Magnusson to Frank R. Shaw , in which he defends his decision to structure his book and radio series Scotland: A Story of a Nation around Scott's Tales of a Grandfather. Scotland: A Story of a Nation - From Electric Scotland , a review by Frank R. Shaw of Magnus Magnusson's Scotland: A Story of a Nation, which defends Magnusson against criticism that he drew too extensively on Scott and goes on to praise Scott's own treatment of Scottish history in Tales of a Grandfather.	i don't know
Taron Egerton portrays which famed English sportsman in a film biopic of his life released in 2016?	Eddie the Eagle's wife Sam Morton has left him and he now works as a plasterer \| Daily Mail Online comments Eddie the Eagle’s whole life embodies the Olympic ideal that it’s not the triumph but the struggle that counts. Britain’s first Olympic ski jumper, whose heroic failure has just been turned into a feelgood Hollywood biopic, has only recently moved out of the garden shed that was his home for seven months during a devastating divorce. ‘It wasn’t so bad,’ he says. ‘It’s just like when I was training for the Olympics and slept in a cowshed in Switzerland. After that a nice garden shed is not a problem. Anyway, I’m a very resilient person.’ Indeed he is. Eddie is the plasterer from Stroud, Gloucestershire, who had a Winter Olympic dream and famously realised it by stuffing his four-sizes-too-big ski boots with spare socks, tying his helmet on with string, and mending his own broken jaw by fastening a scrap of ripped-up pillow case around his head. Eddie the Eagle pictured left in 1988 training for the winter Olympics in Calgary, Canada, next to Taron Egerton, right, who plays Eddie in a new biopic about the ski jumper's life He had neither a coach nor a sponsor, and often ate food scavenged from campsite bins, carefully sifting waste for scraps to reheat. His bottle-bottom glasses frequently fogged up under his goggles so sometimes he jumped blind. Perhaps the most surprising thing about Eddie’s life is that it’s taken this long to turn it into a movie. The record books show that Eddie came last in both the 70m and the 90m jumps at the 1988 Calgary Games. But his underdog Olympic story made him a folk hero at home and a celebrity everywhere else. Sadly, in real life he didn’t get a Hollywood-style happy ending – the fortune he made was lost by alleged mismanagement (not his) and now he is grieving the loss of his cosy family life too. Eddie, now 52, met wife Sam Morton while working as a radio presenter, and the couple married in a drive-through ceremony at the Little White Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas in 2003. RELATED ARTICLES Share this article Share ‘Losing my marriage and my family life hurts more than anything that ever happened to me in ski-jumping – all the wipe-outs, the bruises, the broken bones put together, they don’t come close,’ Eddie admits. ‘I didn’t see my divorce coming. I thought everything was hunky-dory in my marriage. I went to Germany to do some television work without a clue what was about to happen and when I got home my wife said, “Sit down, we need to talk…” That was when she told me that she wanted to separate. ‘I slept on the sofa that night but things were so bad at home that four weeks later I had to go. I owned a house I was doing up but it wasn’t ready to move into, so I stayed in the shed in the garden.’ He has now moved into the house, but is facing a much tougher financial future than in the days when he was flown around the world in private jets and paid £10,000 an hour to open golf courses or shopping malls. Eddie with his ex-wife Sam Morton. The couple are now divorced following a settlement that Eddie described as 'expensive' His financial settlement to Sam was finalised last week. ‘It’s been expensive,’ Eddie says. ‘It wiped out everything I had saved from the last 35 years. Instead of having £200,000 in the bank I am now down to my last £5,000.’ Eddie is a devoted father to the couple’s two daughters – Ottilie, 11, and Honey, nine – and is taking them to the premiere of the film of his life in London on March 17. The movie has attracted a stellar cast including X-Men star Hugh Jackman and Hollywood veteran Christopher Walken, but financially it won’t help Eddie the Eagle soar again. ‘I sold the film rights to my life story for £180,000 18 years ago. That’s payable now, but will be eaten up by my divorce. I won’t see any royalties unless the film makes a crazy amount – something like £65 million at the box office – so I’m not expecting anything other than a resurgence of interest in me and my story,’ he reveals. That story has been given the full Hollywood treatment and turned into a family-friendly comedy by British producer Matthew Vaughn and director Dexter Fletcher. Eddie is played by Welsh actor Taron Egerton as an endearing goofball with bad spectacles and a shocking underbite. Things took a turn for the worse two years ago when Sam dropped a bombshell when he returned home from a TV interview in Germany, saying she wanted to leave him Today the real Eddie has had his jaw surgically fixed and his long-sightedness improved with implants, but he loves the portrayal, having spent time at Pinewood Studios and on location in the German ski report of Garmisch-Partenkirchen advising Egerton on his accent and mannerisms. Eddie had been obsessed with competing in the Olympics – in any sport – since he was eight. Although he was always an outsider, he had ability as an athlete and narrowly missed out on selection to the British Olympic team as a downhill skier. Undeterred, he switched to ski-jumping when he realised that no one else in the UK competed in the sport and that he would, by default, become the British No 1. He jumped for the first time in January 1986 at Lake Placid in upstate New York and, being Eddie, went off the 10m, 15m and 40m jumps in one afternoon. Usually that sequence takes a minimum of three years’ training. Despite his ambition and optimism, he got no assistance from the British Ski Federation and it’s the way Eddie overcomes this which gives the film its emotional heart as well as its greatest comic moments. One of these is depicted on the film’s box-office poster which shows Eddie, in full ski outfit, practising his aerodynamic positioning strapped to the roof of a clapped-out campervan. ‘The federation told me they had no money and I took them at their word. I did what I could with what I had – I am a resourceful person. I don’t know of a single federation which is not a stuffy old boys’ club. It was back then and still is today. ‘They were all a bit double-barrelled, looking down their nose at me – my dad was a builder and my mum worked in an office. I was a poor athlete, my face didn’t fit in skiing.’ So Eddie went on the European circuit, flat broke, sleeping rough and competing in kit either sourced from lost- property offices, or donated by nations which were more supportive of Britain’s entry into their sport than his home country. When he found out he had made the Olympic team for Calgary, Eddie was sleeping in a Finnish mental hospital that rented out beds for £1 a night. ‘I phoned home and Mum told me. I was screaming so loudly I could have been mistaken for a patient,’ he recalls. By the time he got to Calgary, he had already been nicknamed Eddie the Eagle, which he felt-tipped in gold on to his helmet, and became the story of the Olympics. ‘I was there, representing my country, a patriot, a sportsman. I jumped a personal best in the 90m and set British Olympic records in both the 70m and the 90m. How is that a failure?’ he asks. ‘If you are the best in the world you can go to the world championships. If you are the best in your country you should fly the flag for it at the Olympics. What has happened to the idea of sport as fun? Who says you have to be a medal hope to have the right to participate?’ Edwards is the subject of a Hollywood film about his life, starring Hugh Jackman and Christopher Walken. Pictured is the skier in action in 1988 His trenchant view sparked a global debate. The film comes down with what Hollywood bible Variety calls ‘a sledgehammer certainty’ that Eddie was right. But the money and power in sport disagreed. ‘After the Olympics, my relationship with the British Olympic Association plummeted. They thought I was bringing the sport into disrepute, that the world’s attention should be on the winners. ‘I think that was short-sighted, that they should have been delighted at the attention it brought skiing as a whole in the UK.’ The world’s federations moved to close the loophole that allowed wildcards like Eddie to qualify for the Olympics, codifying strict performance criterion. In the US it is still called the ‘Eddie the Eagle Rule’. And it clipped his wings – he’d never return to the Olympic Games. The film closes on Eddie’s guileless joy in coming last and the crowd’s ecstatic response. In real life, he’s more touchy – pointing out the only reason he came last was because the nations whose jumpers he could beat, such as Spain and Bulgaria, did not field competitors. He also says he beat a Frenchman who broke his leg and had to withdraw from the 90m jump. ‘I like to say I came in 58th out of 59,’ he laughs, though he is making a serious point. He didn’t break anything and he didn’t die trying. Eddie gives the thumbs up before the 70m Ski Jump event during the 1988 Winter Olympic Games Afterwards he flew home a hero, inundated with requests for personal appearances, advertising deals, speeches and endorsements. He was even rumoured to have been chosen to become the new ‘Milk Tray man’ in the famous TV advertisements. Eddie earned more than £500,000 the year after the Olympics but as an amateur sportsman it had to be held in trust for him. However, he filed for voluntary bankruptcy in 1992 and later reached an out-of-court settlement against the trustees he believes mismanaged his affairs. Wisely he’d never given up his original career as a plasterer and works today in the building trade under his real name of Mike Edwards while promoting the legend of Eddie the Eagle where he can. He has remained in the public eye; he won ITV diving show Splash! in 2013 and makes guest appearances on the controversial Channel 4 winter sports show The Jump too. ‘Sometimes Eddie is in demand, sometimes I am Michael Edwards the builder from Stroud,’ he says. Does he chat to customers about his past? ‘I can’t really – you’ve only got two hours to work with plaster before it sets. ‘I like being Eddie the Eagle, the life and soul on skis, but off them I am Mike Edwards because I am not on display. They are both me but it’s a pretty schizophrenic existence.’ Does he think that perhaps this was the cause of his marriage breakdown? ‘I don’t know. I haven’t been able to talk to my wife about it, it’s all been too traumatic, too difficult. ‘It’s something we might discuss in the future. We don’t speak much at the moment. ‘I am currently single. All the girls I have ever asked out have been on a ski slope – that’s where I am most confident and have no qualms about chatting to ladies. ‘In a bar or a club it seems so much harder. And if anyone sees me near a church aisle ever again, I’d ask them please shoot me.’ He agrees it’s desperately sad that he cannot celebrate his second moment in the sun – the opening of his biopic – with his family intact but, as his whole career has showed, he’s not one to be defeated by any kind of failure. ‘It’s how life is,’ he says. Then he goes and picks up his skis and turns into Eddie the Eagle to have his photograph taken. ‘I still feel I embody the real Olympic ideal – maybe I was the last amateur there,’ he says. ‘I know people want to see brilliance, to watch someone like Usain Bolt run 100m, but what they can actually relate to is Eddie the Eagle.’ He’s got a point. Eddie is the everyman who believed – against very great odds indeed – that he could fly, and with its new biopic Hollywood is finally celebrating what the Olympic authorities disdained in 1988. And in a final footnote to his Olympic history, Eddie, as a former Olympian, was nominated as a torch-bearer for the London 2012 Games. The application was rejected.	Eddie %22The Eagle%22 Edwards
By what more familiar avian moniker is the H-4 Hercules aircraft known?	Hugh Jackman puffs on a cigarette as he shoots ski scenes for Eddie The Eagle biopic \| Daily Mail Online comments After a vocal haemorrhage forced Hugh Jackman to pull out of a planned performance of his one-man show, the actor is defiantly pressing on with his latest movie project. The Australian actor, 46, looked to be in great spirits as he trudged through the crisp, white snow on the set of Eddie The Eagle in Bavaria, Germany, earlier this week. Screen star Hugh - who plays ski expert Chuck Berghorn in the film - was spotted wearing a black button-down shirt over a grey T-shirt with jeans as he puffed on a cigarette. Scroll down for video There's snow stopping him! Hugh Jackman was spotted on the set of his upcoming film, Eddue The Eagle, in Bavaria, Germany, earlier this week He shot scenes alongside director Dexter Fletcher and actor Taron Egerton, who plays the title role in the biopic, set during the 1988 Olympics. RELATED ARTICLES Share this article Share Hugh is recovering from a vocal haemorrhage on his left cord that forced him to pull out of a performance of his new one man show, An Evening With Hugh Jackman, in Istanbul last week. Apologising to his disappointed Turkish fans on Twitter, the actor wrote: 'Merhaba. I have a left vocal haemorrhage. At advice of Dr. Kocak Dr Korovin I will cancel my shows in Turkey. Make no mistake, I'll be back! Puff: The Australian actor puffed on a cigarette as he got into character as skiing expert Chuck Berghorn Trudging through the snow... The actor looked to be the picture of health as he got to work on the snowy set Whatever the weather: The actor was seen chatting with director Dexter Fletcher on the snowy set Oh so pretty! The star got his make-up touched up as he waited between takes 'I'm devastated at not sharing my show with you tonight. For all Turks & Cannakale it's a very important night. Was to be very special for me.' Fresh off his promotional tour for sci-fi film Chappie, Hugh takes on a different role as coach Chuck Berghorn in his latest flick documenting the trials and tribulations of British skier Eddie 'The Eagle' Edwards. Eddie shot to fame for his spectacular failure at the 1988 Olympics, becoming a beloved underdog after coming last in both the 70 and 90 metre events. Guidance: In the biopic, Hugh portrays the man who oversaw Eddie's efforts in the 1988 Olympics Bouncing back: Hugh is recovering from a vocal haemorrhage on his left cord The man, the myth, the legend: Taron Egerton was seen dressed and ready as the title character Fall and rise of Eddie: Eddie shot to fame for his spectacular failure at the 1988 Olympics Hero: Eddie became a cult figure in the late '80s and early '90s following his appearance at the Olympics Ranked 55th in the world the former plasterer won the hearts of the nation in the against all odds story which saw him ski despite his lack of financial backing, fear of heights and long-sightedness. On Monday Hugh returned to the set of the film and shared a selfie with the words: 'Awesome to be back filming on location for #EddieTheEagle'. In a second shot posted to Instagram the following day, the X Men star is seen with his back to a large ice rink, writing: 'My "office" for the day! Not too shabby. #EddieTheEagle'. At the helm: Matthew Vaughn, married to Claudia Schiffer, is producing the anticipated movie Rolling in the deep: Hugh was spotted driving a large truck on the set Make believe: However, it was all an illusion for the purposes of filming The harder they fall: In character as Eddie, Taron was seen being carted away on a stretcher Coming to a screen near you: The screen is scheduled to be released next year	i don't know
Anne Hyde and Mary of Modena were the wives of which British king?	King James II \| Britroyals Born: October 14, 1633 at St. James Palace Parents: Charles I and Henrietta Maria Relation to Elizabeth II: 1st cousin 9 times removed House of: Stuart Ascended to the throne: February 6, 1685 aged 51 years Crowned: April 23, 1685 at Westminster Abbey Married: (1) Anne Hyde, (2) Mary, Daughter of Duke of Modena Children: Eight by his first wife Anne, of whom only Mary and Anne survived, and Five by his 2nd wife Mary of whom only a son James (Old Pretender) and Louise Maria survived. Died: September 6, 1701 at St Germain-en-Laye, France, aged 67 years, 10 months, and 21 days Buried at: Chateau de Saint Germain-en-Laye, Near Paris, Reigned for: 3 years, 10 months, and 3 days, Abdicated: December 11, 1688 Succeeded by: his daughter Mary and son-in-law William of Orange James II was the second surviving son of Charles I and younger brother of Charles II. He was created Duke of York, and was in Oxford during the Civil War. After the defeat of the Royalists he escaped with his mother and brother to The Hague and then exile in France. His father was executed in 1649. James served in the French army and later in the Spanish Army. After the death of Cromwell and the restoration of the monarchy he returned to England where his brother had been crowned Charles II. James was created Lord High Admiral and warden of the Cinque Ports, and commanded the Royal Navy during the 2nd and 3rd Anglo-Dutch wars. He created controversy when in 1660 he married Anne Hyde a commoner and daughter of Charles�s chief minister Edward Hyde. They had 7 children but only two survived infancy - Mary (later Queen Mary II) and Anne (later Queen Anne). His daughters were raised as Protestants but, influenced by his time in France and Spain, James converted to Catholicism in 1670. Following Anne Hyde�s death in 1671, he married Mary of Modena a 15 year old Italian Catholic princess. James�s critics described her as �an agent of the Pope�. Parliament became alarmed at the prospect of Catholic succession and in 1673 passed the Test Act which excluded Catholics from political office. In 1679 Shaftesbury attempted to introduce an Exclusion Bill to exclude James from the succession and substitute Charles�s illegitimate son the Duke of Monmouth, but this was rebutted by Charles who dissolved Parliament. James became King James II on the death of his brother in 1685. He soon faced two rebellions intent on removing him in Scotland by the Duke of Argyll, and from an army raised by the Duke of Monmouth which was defeated by John Churchill (6th great grandfather of Winston Churchill) in July 1685 at the Battle of Sedgemoor in Somerset. The Monmouth rebels were brutally punished by Judge Jeffrey�s Bloody Assizes. James, believing his Divine Right as King, issued the Declaration of Indulgence to suspend the Test Act and promote his Catholic supporters in Parliament. The Archbishop of Canterbury and seven other bishops were arrested and tried for sedition. Amidst widespread alarm, the birth in 1688 of his Catholic heir James (James Edward Stuart) prompted a group of nobles to invite Prince William of Orange (who had married James daughter Mary) from the Netherlands to England to restore Protestantism and democracy. William of Orange landed at Torbay on 5 November 1688 in 463 ships unopposed by the Royal Navy, and with an army of 14,000 troops which gathering local support grew to over 20,000 and advanced on London in what became known as �The Glorious Revolution�. Many from James�s army including Churchill and James�s daughter Anne defected to support William. James lost his nerve and fled to France throwing the Great Seal of the Realm into the River Thames. His daughter Mary was declared Queen, but she insisted on joint rule with her husband and they were crowned King William III and Queen Mary II. James and his wife and son lived in exile in France as guests of Louis XIV. James landed in Ireland in 1689 with French troops in an attempt to regain the throne and advanced on Londonderry, but was defeated by William at the Battle of the Boyne in 1690. He lived the rest of his life in exile. His son James Edward Stuart (The Old Pretender) and grandson Charles (Bonnie Prince Charlie) made unsuccessful attempts to restore the Jacobite throne in 1715 and 1745. King James II's Signature Quotes: �The Duke of York in all things but in his codpiece, is led by the nose by his wife�- Samuel Pepys (writing about James II, before he became king, and the influence of his wife Anne Hyde) �As very papist as the pope himself� � Earl of Lauderdale (speaking at the time about James II becoming a Catholic) �Dismal Jimmy� � Scottish nickname for King James II Timeline for King James II Year	James II of England
Bridgetown is the capital city of which island nation?	The Stuart Dynasty - British Monarchy Family History British Monarchy Family History The Royal House of Stuart was the ruling royal dynasty of England, Wales, Ireland and Scotland for one hundred and eleven years, by way of seven monarchs from 1603 until 1714. The years between 1642 and 1651 were a period of time which saw several bloody battles known as the English Civil Wars. This led to a period of time between 1649 and 1660 as the Dissolution of the Monarchy, an eleven year period during which the monarchy was overthrown and leadership of the country was by a de-facto council of state under the leadership of Lord Protector, Oliver Cromwell. Upon the death of the last Tudor monarch Queen Elisabeth I in 1603 who died without issue, the monarchy was taken over by James VI of Scotland. He was the son of Mary Queen of Scots, the first cousin to Elisabeth I, and in the eyes of some, particularly England's Catholics, was considered the legitimate monarch of England. She had been compelled to abdicate in favour of her only son James in 1567 when he was just thirteen months old. It was Mary Queen of Scots who changed the spelling of the family name from it's original Scottish spelling of Stewart to the French spelling of Stuart. It was also during the Stuart Dynasty that the Jacobean (1603 - 1714) and Caroline (1625 - 1642) periods of architecture, arts and fashion existed. Of the seven men and women who became Stuart monarchs only one of them, King Charles II, was actually born heir to the throne. JAMES I OF ENGLAND JAMES VI OF SCOTLAND James was born at Edinburgh Castle on the nineteenth of June 1566 and was the son of Mary, Queen of Scots and Henry Stuart, Lord Darnley. He became King Of Scotland in July 1567 at the age of just thirteen months, after his mother had been compelled to abdicate in his favour. At the age of thirty seven James VI of Scotland became James I of England and Ireland and was warmly welcomed and received by both the government and the people. James was rapturously welcomed when he arrived in London on July the seventh 1603, with most of the country thoroughly grateful that the transition from English queen to Scottish king had come about without civil unrest or war. James was crowned King of England at Westminster Abbey just a few weeks later on the 25th of July, almost thirty six years to the day that he had become King of Scotland. James is possibly best remembered for installing the union flag in 1606. The flag, also wrongly known as the Union Jack, consists of three flags, the flag of St Andrew for Scotland which consists of a white saltire on a blue background, the flag of St Patrick for Ireland which consists of a red saltire on a white background and the cross of St George for England which consists of a red cross on a white background. For some reason there has never been a representation of the flag of Wales. James' reign is also noted for his translation of the Christian Bible, known as the King James Bible, which he had commissioned between 1604 and 1611 in an attempt to make it a little less conservative than the previous two translations which had been commissioned by King Henry VIII in 1535, which was known as the Great Bible, and the Church of England's work in 1568, which was known as the Bishop's Bible. James' reign also styled the Jacobean Period of architecture, arts and fashion. James died from the effects of a stroke on the 27th of March 1625 and was later interred in Westminster Abbey. ANNE OF DENMARK James married Anne of Denmark (1574 - 1619) by proxy, when Anne was just fourteen years old, in August 1589 and formally at the Bishop's Palace in Oslo in November of the same year. Anne was born at Skandeborg Castle in Denmark on the 12th of December 1575 and was the daughter of King Fredrick II of Denmark and Norway and Sophie of Mecklenburg - Gustrow. It has been said that James preferred the company of men, both socially and sexually, but this has been rebuffed, particularly as he fathered twelve children with Anne. Their marriage, although amiable, did not last the test of time however and although they never divorced they did go on to lead separate lives. James had The Queen's House, at Greenwich Park in London built for Anne in 1614, which is where she spent the remainder of her life until her death at the age of 44 on the 2nd of March, 1619. Anne had been a patron of the arts, and her her former house in Greenwich now houses the world's largest collection of maritime art. Anne had twelve pregnancies during her marriage to King James, two were stillborn, three miscarried and of the seven births that went into infancy, only three lived into adulthood. Their children were; Henry, Prince of Wales - (1594 -1612). lived until his 18th year, when it is said he died from typhoid. Elisabeth Stuart - (1596 - 1612). Their eldest daughter, Elisabeth was named after the Queen Elisabeth I of England. Part of the gunpowder plot of 1605 was to kidnap the then nine year old Princess Elisabeth of Scotland, and put her on the throne of England. On Valentine's Day 1613, Elisabeth married Fredrick V Elector of Palantine, Germany. Although their union was an arranged affair in order that King James could curry favour with other Protestant European royalty, it would seem that their marriage was indeed a love match, which was by all accounts a loving and romantic union. Elisabeth was crowned Queen Consort of Bohemia and Palantine Elect on the 7th of November 1619. The royal couple had thirteen children, ten of which grew into adulthood, and it is from their twelth child, Princess Sophia of Hanover, that the present British Royal family hail, by way of the Royal House of Hanover descendant, King George I. Their children were; Fredrick Henry - (1614 - 1629), accidental death by drowning. Charles Louie - (1617 - 1680). Elisabeth - (1618 - 1680). Rupert - (1619 - 1682). Maurice - (1620 - 1652). Louise Marie - (1622 - 1709). Ludwig. - (1624 - 1624), died aged four months. Edward - (1625 - 1663). Henrietta Maria - (1626 - 1651).Johann Phillip - (1627 - 1650). Charlotte - (1628 - 1631). Sophia - (1630 - 1714).Gustav Adolphus. - (1632 - 1641). Of these ten children Princess Sophia was to become the most important in terms of royal lineage for Britain. She married Ernest Augustus, Elector of Hanover in 1658, making her Electress Princess Sophia of Hanover. They had many children, of which seven lived into adulthood. In 1701 Princess Sophia was made heiress presumptive to the throne of England by way of the Act of Settlement, after the death of Prince William of Norway. She was chosen as the future Queen of England because she was a direct descendant of the Stuart royal family and, most importantly, a Protestant. In being chosen as heiress presumptive, this would deny the rightful Stuart heir to the throne, who was a Catholic. Sophia died in 1714, forty six years before the British throne became vacant. Due to this the crown was given to her first born son George, who became King George I of England and the predecessor of the present British Royal Family. Margaret Stuart - (1598 - 1600). Died in infancy. Charles Stuart - (1600 - 1649). Future King of England, Ireland and Scotland. He married Princess Henrietta Maria of France in 1625 and produce eight children, two of which would become future monarchs. Robert Stuart - (1602 - 1602). Died in infancy. Mary Stuart - (1605 - 1607). Died in infancy. Sophia Stuart - (June 1607). Died in early infancy. CHARLES I Charles was born on the nineteenth of November 1600 at Dunfermline Palace in Scotland. He was King James' and Queen Anne's fourth child and second born son. Due to this he was never actually groomed to be king but became heir to the throne after the death of his brother Henry, Prince of Wales, who died from typhoid at the age of eighteen in 1612. Charles was therefore crowned king at Westminster Abbey on the second of February 1626. His twenty four year reign saw conflict with the government, civil unrest among the masses, civil war and his subsequent execution in front of the Banqueting Hall in Whitehall, London on the 30th of January 1649. All of which culminated in the overthrow of the government, during which time power was given to Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England, which led to six years of puritanical rule in England, Ireland and Scotland. The word cavalier, which means someone who is arrogant, disdainful or indifferent to important matters, was coined after the actions of King Charles I, which is somehow harsh as he was probably more naive and foolish than arrogant or disdainful, as it has been recorded that he was very accommodating, easily led by others and very quick to see the good in others. The king was in fact such a refined and gentle person that during the reign of his son, Charles II, he was venerated as a saint of the Anglican Church, where he is now known as Saint Charles Stuart or King Charles the Martyr. He was canonised in 1660 and his feast day is held on the date of his death, the 30th of January. King Charles was buried at St George's Chapel, Windsor Castle. It was also during Charles' reign that the Caroline Period of fashion and arts was styled. The term comes from the Latin word for Charles which was Carolus. HENRIETTA MARIA OF FRANCE Charles was also a handsome and charming man which led to him taking many lovers before his eventual marriage in 1625. One of his unions produced a daughter, Joanna Brydges who was born in 1619, who was both recognised and subsequently cared for by the then Prince. Joanna was brought up in secrecy in Wales and would later go on to marry well and live in Ireland. Charles was married on the 11th of May 1625 at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris to Henrietta Maria Of France (1609 - 1669) a union so frowned upon that it needed a special dispensation from the Pope, as Henrietta was a Catholic and Charles a protestant, as never before had a Protestant Prince and a Catholic Princess married. There was of course very good reason for this, as it was done in order to forge an alliance between England and France which in turn would work against the might of the Spanish. Henrietta was born at the Louvre Palace in Paris on the 25th of November 1609 and was the daughter of King Henri IV of France and Marie de Medici. She bore the king eight children during their marriage, four of which would grow into adulthood and two of which would become monarchs of England. They were; Charles James, Prince of Wales. - Stillborn on the thirteenth of March 1629. Charles. - (1630 - 1685) .Future King of England, Ireland and Scotland. Mary, Princess Royal - (1631 - 1660). she married William II of Orange at the age of nine. They had one child, a son, who would become King William III of Orange and England. James. - (1633 - 1701). Future King of England and Scotland.He married Catherine Braganza in 1662 but produced no heirs. Elisabeth. - (1635 - 1650). Died in childhood. Anne. - (1637 - 1640). Died in childhood. Henry, Duke of Gloucester, Earl of Cambridge - (1640 - 1660). Henrietta. - (1644 - 1670). She married Phillip Duke of Orleans and France in March 1661.This union produced two children, Marie Louise - (1662 - 1689), who would become the Queen of Spain and Anne Marie - (1669 - 1728), who would become the Queen of Sardinia. Henrietta Maria died on the 10th of September 1669 and was buried at the Royal Basilica of Saint Denis in Paris. OLIVER CROMWELL Oliver Cromwell became the Lord Protector of the Commonwealth of England, Ireland and Scotland on the 25th of December 1653 and governed for five years before his death on the 3rd of September 1658. Oliver Cromwell was born in Huntingdon on the 25th of April 1599. He was the son of Robert Cromwell and his wife Elisabeth Steward. After studying at Cambridge Oliver became a gentleman farmer before embarking on a political career where he became member of parliament for Huntingdon in 1628 and then for Cambridge between 1640 and 1649. He is most famously remembered for his many military victories during the English Civil War (1642 - 1651), where he fought on the side of the parliamentarians. He became Lord Protector of England, Ireland and Scotland after the execution of King Charles I in 1649 and ruled the three countries for five years. Cromwell was a puritanical, religious zealot who became nothing short of a dictator. He was also instrumental in the genocide of thousands of Irish and Scottish Catholics. By the time of his death in 1658 the people of England, Ireland and Scotland were so glad to see the back of him that Royalist supporters dug up his corpse, hung it up and then decapitated it. During the English Civil War supporters of King Charles I and his son King Charles II were known as Royalists or Cavaliers and supporters of Oliver Cromwell were known as Parliamentarians, Ironsiders or Roundheads. Oliver died from septiceamia following a urinary infection on the third of September 1658 at Whitehall in London at the age of fifty nine. Although he would be posthumously hanged for war crimes by the masses, he was later given a state funeral and interred at Westminster Abbey in London. After the death of Oliver Cromwell he was succeeded by his son Richard. Richard was born in Huntingdon on the 4th of October 1626 and was the fourth child and third born son of Oliver Cromwell and his wife Elisabeth Bouchier. Despite the parliamentarians electing his father as Lord Protector, owing to Richard Cromwell's even harsher treatment of the army and the government, he was ousted by the very same parliament just nine months later in May of 1658. Fearing for his life Richard left his wife, Dorothy Maijor (1620 - 1675) and their nine children and under various assumed names went to live in exile in France for the next twenty two years. He eventually returned to England in 1681 and lived in Cheshunt in Hertfordshire for the next thirty years before he died there in July of 1712 at the age of 85. ELISABETH BOUCHIER On the 22nd of August 1620 Oliver Cromwell married Elisabeth Bouchier, the eldest daughter of leather merchant Sir James Bouchier and his wife Frances Crane, at Cripplegate in London. Elisabeth has been described as a homely woman who was a good mother and loving wife, although due to her husband's tyrannical ways during his time as Lord Protector, she was considered by to be as bad as he was by the general public. Their union together produced nine children, they were; Robert (1621 - 1639). Oliver (1622 - 1644). Bridget (1624 - 1681). Richard (1626 - 1712). Henry (1628 - 1674). Elisabeth (1629 - 1658). James (1632). Mary (1637 - 1713). Frances (1638 - 1720). After Oliver's death in 1658 Elisabeth went into hiding. Records show that she spent some time in Wales, before finally going to live with her daughter Elisabeth and her husband John Claypole in Northborough, near Peterborough. She died there sometime in November of 1665 and was later buried at Northborough Church on the 19th of November 1665. CHARLES II King Charles II was born at St James Place in London on the 29th of May 1630. He was the son of King Charles I and his wife Queen Henrietta Maria, making Charles the only Royal House of Stuart monarch who was an heir apparent. Charles' first coronation was performed at Scone in Scotland three years after the execution of his father on the 1st of January, 1651, but he ruled for only two years before being ousted by parliament and a de-facto council of state led by Oliver Cromwell took power. During the time of Cromwell's protectorate Charles had lived in exile in France and The Netherlands, before coming home in 1660 to begin a period of British history known as the Restoration of the Monarchy. Charles returned to England on the 23rd of April 1660 and entered London on the 29th of May, which was also his thirtieth birthday. This date is now known as Oak Apple Day and was for centuries a public holiday in England which celebrated the Restoration of the Monarchy. Traditional celebrations often entailed the wearing of oak apples or sprigs of oak leaves, in reference to when Charles hid in an oak tree to escape the Roundhead Army during the Battle of Worcester in September 1651. Anyone who failed to display an oak apple or sprig of oak leaves upon their person, on this most auspicious of days, risked being thrashed with nettles. Charles' second coronation was held at Westminster Abbey on St George's Day (23rd April) 1661. Charles' reign is probably best remembered for overseeing the Great Plague of London, which was caused by rats which carried bubonic plague, and claimed the lives of 100,000 people, around 15% of London's population. This was followed one year later by the Great Fire of London in 1666, which would be both a tragedy and a blessing, as the carnage which was caused by the fire culminated in vast improvements in hygiene, fire safety and building reforms and resulted in the deaths of most of the rats which caused the bubonic plague. Charles would also begin the process which would venerate his executed father as a saint into the Anglican Church. Charles was known to be a great lover of the miniature dog known as the Toy Spaniel, which was renamed the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel in his honour by the British Kennel Club in 1903. Charles died from the affects of an apoplectic fit on the morning of the sixth of February 1685. At the time his sudden demise had been attributed to poisoning, but it has since been verified that he may have been suffering from a kidney disease known as uraemia. Charles was later interred at Westminster Abbey. CATHERINE OF BRAGANZA Charles was married to Catherine Braganza (1638 - 1705), a Portugese Catholic, by proxy on the 23rd of April 1662 in Lisbon. Catherine was born at the Ducal Palace at Vila Vicosa in Portugal on the 25th of November 1638 and was the daughter of King John IV of Portugal and Luisa of Medina - Sidonia. Catherine is probably best remembered for bringing the art of tea drinking to England and for starting the practice of using dining forks at mealtimes.Other than this little is actually known of Catherine as it has been noted that she played a very small part in court life. Some historians believe this to be because the very pious Catherine was sshamed of her husband's debauched lifestyle. Although their marriage was childless Charles had never once considered divorce, even though he had been strongly advised to do so by his governmental advisers owing to Catherine being a catholic. Catherine died in Portugal at the age of sixty four on New Years Eve 1705, seven years after the death of her husband, and was buried at the Pantheon of the Braganzas in the Monastery of Sao Vicente de Fora in Lisbon. BARBARA PALMER, nee VILLIERS Queen Catherine suffered many miscarriages during her marriage to Charles, resulting in the couple having no legitimate heirs, which is somewhat ironic considering Charles had thirteen recognised illegitimate children by seven long term mistresses. They were - By mistress Lucy Walter (1630–1658) - Charles' first illegitimate son was born James Croft (1649 - 1685) but was later titled James, Duke of Monmouth. He was born when Charles was just eighteen years old and living in exile in Rotterdam in the Netherlands on the ninth of April 1649. James later married wealthy Scottish heiress Anne Scott, Duchess of Buccleuch on the twentieth of April 1663 and took on her family name of Scott. The couple went on to have seven children, they were - Isabella (1671 - 1748), Charles (1672 - 1674), James (1674 - 1705), Anne (1675 - 1685), Henry (1676 - 1679), Francis (1678 - 1679) & Charlotte (1683). James was executed in London on the 15th of July 1685 after having led the battle for the crown known as the Monmouth Rebellion. He was later buried in the Peter ad Vincula chapel in the Tower of London. By mistress Elizabeth Killigrew (1622–1680) Maid of honour to Charles' mother Queen Henrietta Maria - Charlotte Jemima FitzRoy (1650–1684) By mistress Catherine Pegge (b1635) - Charles FitzCharles (1657–1680) Created Earl of Plymouth - Catherine FitzCharles (1658) By mistress Barbara Palmer nee Villiers (1641–1709) Lady Castlemaine & Duchess of Cleveland - Lady Anne Palmer (1661–1722) - Charles Fitzroy (1662–1730) Created Duke of Southampton & 2nd Duke of Cleveland - Henry Fitzroy (1663–1690) Created Earl of Euston & Duke of Grafton - Charlotte Fitzroy (1664–1717) - George Fitzroy (1665–1716) Created Duke of Northumberland. By mistress Nell Gwyn (1650 - 1687) Actress - Charles Beauclerk (1670–1726) Created Duke of St Albans and James Lord Beauclerk (1671–1680). By mistress Louise Renée de Penancoet de Kérouaille (1649–1734) The Duchess of Portsmouth - Charles Lennox (1672–1723) Created Duke of Richmond and Lennox. By mistress Mary 'Moll' Davis (1648 - 1708) Courtesan and actress - Lady Mary Tudor (1673–1726). Other recognised mistresses of Charles also included a Christabella Wyndham, Hortense Mancini the Duchess of Mazarin, maid of honour Winifred Wells, a Jane Roberts, Elizabeth Berkeley the Countess of Falmouth and Elizabeth Fitzgerald the Countess of Kildare, making his thirteen recognised concubines/mistresses the largest number of any British monarch. JAMES II OF ENGLAND JAMES VII OF SCOTLAND As King Charles II had died without legitimate issue the throne was handed to his younger brother James. James, Duke of York was born on the 14th of October 1633 at St James Palace in London and was the last Catholic monarch of the British Isles after having secretly converted to Catholicism in 1669. After his brother's death on the sixth of February 1685 the duke became King James VII of Scotland and King James II of England and Ireland and was crowned, along with his second wife Mary of Modena, on St George's Day (23rd April) of that same year, at Westminster Abbey in London. James reigned for only three years before fleeing the country, therefore technically abdicating, during the Glorious Revolution of 1688. James and his family went to live at the Chateau de Sainte Germain in Sainte Germaine en Laye just outside Paris in France. He died there just three years later, from a stroke, on the 16th of September 1701. He was later interred at the nearby Church of the English Benedictines in Paris. Following his death the Act of Settlement 1701 was introduced by parliament. This act prohibited Catholics from inheriting the British throne. That law still remains to this day although the Succession of the Crown Act 2013 means that a future monarch can now marry a Catholic without having to denounce his or her rightful place upon the throne. ANNE HYDE James was married twice, first to Anne Hyde (1638 - 1671) whom he married in a secret ceremony in the Netherlands on the third of September 1660. Anne was born at Cranbourne Lodge in Windsor, Berkshire and was the daughter of Edward Hyde, Earl of Clarenden and Frances Aylesbury of Windsor. Anne was a commoner and the the lady in waiting to James's younger sister Anne. It was whilst she held this position that James seduced her and made her pregnant. Anne, who became the Duchess of York upon her marriage, was a rather large lady and not considered very pretty, leaving James not at all happy at having to marry her, but was forced to do so by his elder brother Charles, who apparently thought that family life and marriage to the strong willed Anne, would curb his rakish ways. Unfortunately their baby was stillborn, as were another five of their babies. However the couple did manage to produce two live births, both of them female and both of whom would grow up to become future queens of England and Scotland. They were; Mary (1662 - 1694) and Anne (1665. - 1714). It was after the birth of an eighth child on the ninth of February 1671, a girl that only lived for a few days, that Anne became critically unwell. It was thought that she was in the early stages of breast cancer and that the effort of pregnancy and childbirth had severely exacerbated her condition. Anne died on the 31st of March 1671 at the age of thirty three and was buried in Westminster Abbey. Anne was the last commoner to marry an heir presumptive or heir apparent to the throne, until Lady Diana Spencer married Charles, Prince of Wales in 1981. MARY OF MODENA James' second wife was the Italian beauty Mary of Modena (1658 - 1718) whom he married by proxy on the 30th of September 1673. Mary was born at the Ducal Palace in Modena, Italy on the 5th of October 1658 and was the daughter of Alfonso IV, first Duke of Modena and Laura Martinozzi. It was during his second marriage to Mary Modena that James became King and Mary became crowned Queen Consort. Just like Anne before her Mary also suffered many miscarriages before finally producing six live births, although other than one son and one daughter four of their children died in childhood, three in the year of their birth. Unlike Anne however Mary did not suffer her husband's many affairs and openly showed her contempt for him and his mistresses in public. Mary and James' children were Catherine who was born in 1675, Isabel who lived between 1676 and 1681, Charles who was born in 1677 and Charlotte who was born in 1682. The two children who did live into adulthood were; James Francis Edward Stuart, Prince of Wales. (1688 - 1766) He married Maria Clementina Sobieska, the daughter of James Louis Sobieska of Poland and Hedwig Elisabeth of Neuberg, in September 1719. This union produced two children, Charles Edward Stuart - (1720 - 1788) - AKA Bonnie Price Charlie - and Henry Benedict Stuart - (1725 - 1807), who would grow up to become the longest serving Papal cardinal in history, from 1761 to 1807. Louisa Maria Theresa Stuart (1692 - 1712) The young Princess died at the age of only 20 on the 18th of April 1712. She was the couples only surviving child and her death sent Mary into a decline that saw her fall into religious mania and succumb to many physical ailments. Mary also like Anne before her, died of breast cancer on the 7th of May 1718, seventeen years after the death of her husband. She was interred in the Convent of the Visitations in Chaillot in France. ARABELLA CHURCHILL During his marriage to Anne Hyde the Duchess of York James had conducted a long term affair with her maid of honour Arabella Churchill (1648 - 1730) with whom he had four recognised, illegitimate children. Arabella was born on the 23rd of February 1648 and was the daughter of Sir Winston Churchill (ancestor of British war time Prime Minister, Winston Churchill) and his wife Elisabeth Drake. During her affair with James she had four children, they were, Henrietta FitzJames (1667 - 1730), James FitzJames 1st Duke of Berwick (1670 - 1734), Henry FitzJames 1st Duke of Albemarle (1673 - 1702) and Arabella FitzJames (1674 - 1704). Through her daughter Henrietta's marriage, Arabella would become an ancestor of the future Princes of Wales, Diana Spencer. In 1678 Arabella married a Colonel Charles Godfrey MP (1648 - 1714) with whom she also had four children, they were; Charlotte Godfrey (1670 - 1754), Francis Godfrey (1681 - 1712) and Diana and Elisabeth, both of whose birth and death dates are unknown. Arabella died on the 30th of May 1730 and was later interred at Westminster Abbey. CATHERINE SEDLEY Despite being married to one of the most beautiful women in Europe James also conducted a long term affair with Queen Mary's maid of honour Catherine Sedley (1657 - 1717) with whom he had three recognised, illegitimate children. Catherine was born on the 21st of December 1657 and was the daughter of politician Sir Charles Sedley, 5th Baronet of Aylesbury, and his wife Catherine Savage. During her affair with the king she bore him three children, they were; Catherine Darnley (1681 - 1743) Charles Darnley (1686). In 1703 Catherine was given a life peerage and subsequently became known as the Countess of Dorchester. After her affair with James she went on to marry David Colyear, the Earl of Portmore, in 1696 and bore him two sons, David, Viscount Mislington (1698 - 1729) and Charles, the second Earl of Portmore (1700 - 1785). Catherine died in Bath on the 26th of October 1717 and was at first interred there but upon the death of her husband in 1729 she was exhumed and re-interred alongside him at the Portmore family burial vault at Weybridge Church in Surrey. King James had also conducted some high profile affairs with several other notable women, including Lady Anne Carnegie the Countess of Southesk, Elizabeth Stanhope the Countess of Chesterfield, Lady Susanna the Baroness of Belasyse, Lady Elizabeth Denham, Lady Jane Middleton and maids of honour Goditha Price and Mary Kirke. WILLIAM AND MARY After the abdication of King James II, the British Parliament called upon his nephew and son in law, William of Orange and his wife Mary Stuart to take the English throne.Their union now saw two Protestant monarchs on the throne of England. King William was the son of the Dutch Prince William II and Mary Stuart, the Princess Royal. He was born in The Hague on the 14th of November 1650, and through his mother, Mary Stuart, was cousin to his wife, also called Mary Stuart. Queen Mary was the daughter of King James II and Ann Hyde and was born on the 30th of April 1662, at St James Palace in London. William and Mary were married on the 4th of November 1677 at St James' Palace in London. Mary became pregnant soon after their marriage but miscarried a few weeks later whilst on a trip to Breda in the Netherlands. It has been been said that she never again conceived. It's possible that the miscarriage caused her medical problems which caused her to become infertile but the most commonly held belief was that her husband was homosexual and never slept with her again. It was common knowledge that William openly took male lovers, the most famous of which were the two Dutch noblemen Hans Willem Bentinck (1649 - 1709) whom the king gave the title of 1st Earl Portland and Arnold Joost van Keppel (1679 - 1718) whom the king gave the title of 1st Earl of Arlbemarle. THE CLIVEDEN ESTATE After their joint coronation at Westminster Abbey in London on the eleventh of April 1689, King William III and Queen Mary II of England, Ireland and Scotland, to give them their official titles, became the only British monarchs in British royal history to have joint sovereignty and equal powers. Their reign is probably best remembered for the beginning of the Glorious Revolution of 1658 , the signing of the English Bill of Rights in 1689 and the introduction of Stamp Duty in 1694, all of which saw the end of absolute monarchy and more powers fall to parliament. It also saw the end of Catholic monarchs, as the British monarch is head of the Church of England a purely Anglican faith. Their combined reign also oversaw the beginning of the Scottish Jacobite Rebellions which began in 1689 and followed again in 1715, 1719 and 1745. Mary, despite being a tall (she was 5 feet 11 inches tall) fit and very athletic young woman succumbed to the ravages of smallpox on the 28th of December 1694. She was later interred in Westminster Abbey in London. Mary's untimely death left William bereft and he reigned alone for the next twelve years before his own death on March the 8th 1702. William had died from a bout of pneumonia which had been brought on by a broken collarbone which he had sustained in a riding accident in Kennington in south London. William was later interred next to Queen Mary in Westminster Abbey, London on the 19th of March of the same year. As both William and Mary had died without issue the British crown was then handed to Mary's younger sister Anne Stuart. ANNE Anne was born at St James' Palace in London on the sixth of February 1665, the fourth child of James, Duke of York and Anne Hyde. Anne came to the throne upon the death of her brother - in - law William of Orange in 1702 and was crowned queen at Westminster Abbey on St George's Day (23rd April) of the same year. When Anne took the crown in 1702 she became Queen of England and Scotland as well as the sovereign of Ireland and France. Anne's reign is probably best remembered for her signing of the The Act of Union, a treaty that united the two kingdoms of Scotland and England on the first of May 1707. From that day the two countries were known as Great Britain, making Anne officially the last Queen of Scotland and the last Queen of England. When Anne died on 1st of August 1714 at the age of forty nine, apparently from a severe streptococcus infection, she was the last monarch of the House of Stuart, ending a one hundred and eleven year rule by the Stuart Dynasty of Scotland, Ireland, England and Great Britain. She was later interred at Westminster Abbey. Anne was succeeded by her second cousin, King George I, the first British monarch of the Royal House of Hanover. PRINCE GEORGE OF DENMARK Anne married Prince George of Denmark (1653 - 1708) on the 28th of July 1683 at the Chapel Royal in St James' Palace in London, some nine years before she became queen. George was born at Copenhagen Castle in Denmark on the second of April, 1653 and was the son of Fredrick III of Denmark and Sophie Amalie of Brunswick - Luneburg. Although an arranged marriage it would appear that it was a successful union despite both of them suffering much heartache owing to Anne having endured eighteen pregnancies between 1684 and 1700 which resulted in four miscarriages, eight stillbirths and six live births of which only five lived into their second year. WILLIAM, DUKE OF GLOUCESTER, PRINCE OF NORWAY The couple did have one son however who lived over the age of two, Prince William the Duke of Gloucester and Prince of Norway, who was born on the 24th of June 1689. Throughout his life he had been a sickly child and eventually died aged eleven, supposedly of either smallpox or scarlet fever, at Windsor Castle on the 30th of July 1700. He was later interred at the family vault in Westminster Abbey. Just like Prince William all of Anne and George's children, even the stillborn, were given the title Prince / Princess of Norway / Denmark. George and Anne were married for twenty five years before the death of the prince at the age of 55 on the 28th of October 1708. He was later interred in the family vault at Westminster Abbey. Anne took the Prince's death very badly and mourned his loss right up until her own death six years later on the first of August 1714. She was later interred alongside her husband and son in their family vault at Westminster Abbey.	i don't know
Bryn and Emma Parry founded which military charity in 2007?	Spire FM - News - Help for Heroes co-founders to stand down from the charity Help for Heroes co-founders to stand down from the charity Tweet 1:34pm 22nd April 2016 The Downton couple who founded the hugely successful military charity Help for Heroes are stepping down - nine years after they started it all. Bryn and Emma Parry (pictured here) wanted to raise money after meeting wounded soldiers in hospital, launching the charity in 2007. Millions of pounds of fundraising later from their base in Tidworth, they've written an open to letter to supporters to say it's been the 'most demanding but rewarding period of their lives'. Bryn Parry is hoping to step down as Chief Executive by the end of the year, with both he and Emma remaining as co-founders to help the board for as long as they need. The charity has produced a poster with the facts and figures of how they help wounded, sick and injured service personnel: The couple say the charity is in a 'strong position to face future challenges' and they've thanked the staff, volunteers and fundraisers for their support. Here's the letter from Bryn and Emma Parry in full: "Dear Help for Heroes supporters, "In 2007 Emma and I visited Selly Oak hospital and met a group of badly wounded Servicemen. We were so profoundly moved that we felt we 'just had to do something' to help. We planned to fundraise by cycling through the battlefields of Northern France and in doing so link the soldiers of today with those of yesterday. "Neither of us could have imagined how the British public would rally to our call to 'do your bit', within weeks, Help for Heroes had been launched from the Tin Hut in Tidworth. We had imagined that we would do our bit for nine months before returning to run our cartoon and design business but instead, we found ourselves surfing on an extraordinary tsunami of support and we are still here nine years later. "It has been the most demanding but rewarding period of our lives and something of which we will always be immensely proud. I especially count myself a lucky man to have been Chief Executive of an organisation that has done so much to help others. I am deeply grateful for what has been an extraordinary privilege, however unexpected and challenging. "Now the time has come to hand over and let others take this wonderful organisation into its next phase. The charity is well led, correctly governed, properly funded and in a strong position to face whatever challenges the future may bring. "I have written to the Chairman of Trustees and asked that I be allowed to hand over the role of Chief Executive by the end of 2016. Emma and I will then offer our continued services and support in our capacity as Co-Founders for as long as the Board feel they are needed. "Help for Heroes will always be a part of Emma and my lives and we will watch proudly from the side-lines as it continues to thrive and help "The Blokes" to rebuild theirs. "We live in uncertain times, war is brutal and those who serve risk all on our behalf; we owe them an enormous debt. However, the counter to the horrors and despair of war is seen in the sheer shining good that Emma and I have seen delivered by our extraordinary staff, volunteers and supporters on a daily basis. No one need doubt that we are doing the right thing and that together we have and will continue to rebuild lives. Thank you for everything you all do and please keep it going. "Onwards and Upwards!"	Help for Heroes
Where did Billy Clanton and the brothers Tom and Frank MacLaury famously die on October 26, 1881?	Charity \| Yakovlevs Yakovlevs Help for Heroes This truly inspirational charity has spent the last 4 years publicizing and helping the plight of the servicemen and women returning Afghanistan and Iraq. It is a charity we strongly support and align ourselves with. They have raised the nations awareness of these Hero’s and successfully aided the rehabilitation of thousands. Bryn and Emma Parry founded the Charity in October 2007. The message of the charity is simple: We are strictly non political and non critical; we simply want to help. We believe that anyone who volunteers to serve in time of war, knowing that they may risk it all, is a hero. These are ordinary people doing extraordinary things and some are living with the consequences of their service for life. We may not be able to prevent our soldiers for being wounded, but together we can help them get better. For further information on this charity and they work they do, please go to www.helpforheroes.org.uk BoltonLads & Girls Club Bolton Lads & Girls Club is the UK’s biggest Youth Club which runs a number of specialist projects which aims to give the young members of the club all the skills they need to be better prepared for the transition into adulthood. Bolton Lads club was originally founded in 1889 by a group of local businessmen wanting to help the young lads of Bolton in the Mills. As well as being a youth club service, the Club also provides many other projects for the town’s young people including The Mentoring Project, Pathways 2 Success, Residentials, Sport, Outreach & School Holiday Project, the charity is supported by a team of around 50 staff, and over 400 volunteers. Recently the team Leader of the Yakovlevs Jez Hopkinson climbed Mt Toubkal one of the highest mountains in Africa to help raise money for Bolton lads & girls club. For more information on Jez’s expedition to Mt Toubkal go to our news page. For further information on this charity and they work they do, please go to www.boltonladsandgirlsclub.co.uk Dorset and Somerset Air Ambulance The Dorset and Somerset Air Ambulance are based at Henstridge Airfield. Since their launch they have attended thousands of life saving missions. They are deployed around 3-4 times per day, and they can be anywhere within Dorset and Somerset in under 19 minutes. The Air Ambulance service relies almost entirely on public funding. For further information on this charity and they work they do, please go to www.dsairambulance.org.uk Swaffam Rugby Union Football Club The Yakovlevs are proud sponsors of The Swaffam Rugby Union Football Club Mini’s Sponsor based in Norfolk. The Swaffam Rugby Club has teams of all ages ranging from the mini teams aged under 8 sponsored by the Yakovlevs, youth teams and senior teams. For further information on the Club and the work they do, please go to www.pitchero.com Follow Us	i don't know
In cookery Sauce Mousseline, Sauce Dijon & Sauce Foyot are all derivatives of which ‘mother’ sauce?	Five Mother Sauces of Classical Cuisine 1. Béchamel Sauce Béchamel is probably the simplest of the mother sauces because it doesn't require making stock. If you have milk, flour, and butter, you can make a very basic béchamel. Béchamel is made by thickening hot milk with a simple white roux. The sauce is then flavored with onion, cloves, and nutmeg and simmered until it is creamy and velvety smooth. Béchamel can be used as an ingredient in baked pasta recipes like lasagna, and also in casseroles. But it's also the basis for some of the most common white sauces, cream sauces and cheese-based sauces. Here are some of the small sauces made from béchamel: continue reading below our video Why the Vitamix is Way Cooler Than You Even Thought Veloute sauce. Philippe Desnerck / Getty Images 2. Velouté Sauce Velouté is another relatively simple mother sauce. Velouté sauce is made by thickening white stock with roux and then simmering it for a while. While the chicken velouté , made with chicken stock , is the most common type, there is also a veal velouté and fish velouté . Each of the veloutés forms the basis of its own respective secondary mother sauce. For instance, chicken velouté fortified with cream becomes the Suprême Sauce . Veal velouté thickened with a liaison of egg yolks and cream becomes the Allemende Sauce . And the fish velouté plus white wine and heavy cream becomes the White Wine Sauce . Small sauces from velouté can be derived from the velouté directly, or from each of the three secondary sauces. For example: 3. Espagnole Sauce The Espagnole Sauce, also sometimes called Brown Sauce, is a slightly more complex mother sauce. Espagnole is made by thickening brown stock with roux. So in that sense, it's similar to a velouté. The difference is that Espagnole is made with tomato purée and mirepoix for deeper color and flavor. Moreover, brown stock itself is made from bones that have first been roasted to add color and flavor. The Espagnole is traditionally further refined to produce a rich, deeply flavorful sauce called a demi-glace . The demi-glace is then the starting point for making the various small sauces. A demi-glace consists of a mixture of half Espagnole, half brown stock, which is then reduced by half. For a short-cut, you could skip the demi-glace step and make the small sauces directly from the Espagnole. You'll lose some flavor and body, but you'll save time. Here are some examples of small sauces made from Espagnole: 4. Hollandaise Sauce Hollandaise is unlike the mother sauces we've mentioned so far, but as you'll see, it is really just a liquid and a thickening agent, plus flavorings. Hollandaise is a tangy, buttery sauce made by slowly whisking clarified butter into warm egg yolks. So the liquid here is the clarified butter and the thickening agent is the egg yolks. Hollandaise is an emulsified sauce, and we use clarified butter when making a Hollandaise because whole butter, which contains water and milk solids, can break the emulsion. Clarified butter is just pure butterfat, so it helps the emulsion remain stable. Hollandaise sauce can be used on its own, and it's particularly delicious on seafood, vegetables, and eggs. But there are also a number of small sauces that can be made from Hollandaise: 5. Classic Tomate Sauce The fifth mother sauce is the classic Tomate Sauce. This sauce resembles the traditional tomato sauce that we might use on pasta and pizza, but it's got much more flavor and requires a few more steps to make. First, we render salt pork and then sauté aromatic vegetables. Then we add tomatoes, stock, and a ham bone, and simmer it in the oven for a couple of hours. Cooking the sauce in the oven helps heat it evenly and without scorching. Traditionally, the sauce tomate was thickened with roux, and some chefs still prepare it this way. But in reality, the tomatoes themselves are enough to thicken the sauce. Here are a few small sauces made from the classic tomate sauce:	Hollandaise sauce
Which style of elaborately moulded earthenware, decorated with thick vivid glazes was developed by the English firm Minton in 1850 and popularised during the great exhibition of 1851?	History of Sauces, Whats Cooking America There are Five Foundation Sauces or Basic Sauces Grandes Sauces or Sayces Meres Two of them have a record of two hundred years behind them; they are the “bechamelle” and the “mayonnaise”. They have lasted so long, not only because they are very good, but also because they are so adaptable and provide a fine basis for a considerable number of other sauces. The other three, which also date back to the 18th century, are the “veloute,” the “brune,” and the “blonde.” These five sauces still provide the basis for making of many modern sauces, but no longer of most of them. Modern sauces may be divided into two classes: the “Careme” and “Escoffier” classes. Among the faithful, in the great kitchen of the world, Escoffier is to Careme what the New Testament is to the Old. See “Mother Sauces” for descriptions of the five basic sauces. Aioli (eye-YO-lee) – Aioli is a thick garlic sauce used in the cooking of Provence, France, and of Catalonia in Spain. It is often compared to mayonnaise in its texture, but it is not actual mayonnaise. It is though by culinary historians that Aioli is a Roman sauce, the one the Romans called “aleatum” made of garlic and oil. History: The first apparent written mention of a sauce resembling aioli was by Pliny the Elder (23-79 A.D.), the Roman procurator in Tarragona (a city located in the south of Catalonia on the north-east of Spain.) He writes about garlic (Latin term: aleatum) in his first century book Naturalis Historia. Information below by Peter Hertzmann from his la carte website : Natural History (Naturalis Historia) is an encyclopedia published around AD 77–79 by Pliny the Elder (23-79 AD). It is one of the largest single works to have survived from the Roman Empire to the modern day and purports to cover all ancient knowledge. Whether garlic was introduced to France by the Romans, brought back to France during the crusades, or a native of French soil is not known for certain. (I think it was introduced by the Romans.) Pliny the Elder discusses garlic at some length in his work Naturalis Historia, published in the year 77. He states that it “is generally supposed, in the country more particularly, to be a good specific for numerous maladies.” Later, in a chapter entitled “Garlic: Sixty-One Remedies,” Pliny writes, “Garlic has very powerful properties, and is of great utility to persons on changes of water or locality. The very smell of it drives away serpents and scorpions, and, according to what some persons say, it is a cure for wounds made by every kind of wild beast, whether taken with the drink or food, or applied topically…. Pliny does not discuss the use of garlic as food, he does comment extensively, however, on how to best grow garlic. Bearnaise sauce (bair-naz) – It is a variation of hollandaise sauce. White wine or vinegar, diced shallots, tarragon, and peppercorns are cooked together and reduced and sieved and then added to hollandaise sauce. The spice tarragon is what gives it a distinctive taste. The sauce is served with beef and some shellfish. History: Chef Jules Colette at the Paris restaurant called Le Pavillon Henri IV in the 19th century invented Brnaise sauce in Paris, France. It was named Brnaise in Henry’s honor as he was born in Bearn, France (a region in the Pyreness mountain range in southwest France). It is said that every chef at the restaurant tried to claim the recipe as his own. Bechamel Sauce (bay-shah-mel) – As the housewife in the 17th Century did not have the luxury of modern refrigeration, they were wary of using milk in their recipes. Peddlers were known to sell watered down or rancid produce. Basically, only the rich or royalty could use milk in their sauces. In France, it is one of the four basic sauces called “meres” or “mother sauces” from which all other sauces derive. It is also know as “white sauce.” It is a smooth, white sauce made from a roux made with flour, boiled milk, and butter. It is usually served with white meats, eggs, and vegetables. It forms the basis of many other sauces. History: There are four theories on the origin of Bhamel Sauce: The Italian version of who created this sauce is that it was created in the 14th century and was introduced by the Italian chefs of Catherine de Medici (1519-1589), the Italian-born Queen of France. In 1533, as part of an Italian-French dynastic alliance, Catherine was married to Henri, Duke of Orleans (the future King Henri II of France. It is because of the Italian cooks and pastry makers who followed her to France that the French came to know the taste of Italian cooking that they introduced to the French court. Antonin Careme (1784-1833), celebrated chef and author, wrote in 1822: “The cooks of the second half of the 1700’s came to know the taste of Italian cooking that Catherine de’Medici introduced to the French court.” Bechamel Sauce was invented by Duke Philippe De Mornay (1549-1623), Governor of Saumur, and Lord of the Plessis Marly in the 1600s. Bechamel Sauce is a variation of the basic white sauce of Mornay. He is also credited with being the creator of Mornay Sauce, Sauce Chasseur, Sauce Lyonnaise, and Sauce Porto. Marquis Louis de Bechamel (1603–1703), a 17th century financier who held the honorary post of chief steward of King Louis XIV’s (1643-1715) household, is also said to have invented Bechamel Sauce when trying to come up with a new way of serving and eating dried cod. There are no historical records to verify that he was a gourmet, a cook, or the inventor of Bechamel Sauce. The 17th century Duke d’Escars supposedly is credited with stating: “That fellow Bechameil has all the luck! I was serving breast of chicken a la creme more than 20 years before he was born, but I have never had the chance of giving my name to even the most modest sauce.” It is more likely that Chef Francois Pierre de la Varenne (1615-1678) created Bechamel Sauce. He was a court chef during King Louis XIV’s (1643-1715) reign, during the same time that Bechamel was there. He is often cited as being the founder of haute cuisine (which would define classic French cuisine). La Varenne wrote Le Cuisinier Francois (The True French Cook), which included Bechamel Sauce. It is thought that he dedicated it to Bechamel as a compliment. La Varenne recipes used roux made from flour and butter (or other animal fat) instead of using bread as a thickener for sauces. Chasseur Sauce – Chasseur is French for hunter. It is a hunter-style brown sauce consisting of mushrooms, shallots, and white wine (sometimes tomatoes and parsley). It is most often served with game and other meats. Chasseur, or “Hunter Style” was meant for badly shot game or tough old birds. The birds were always cut up to remove lead shot or torn parts, and often cooked all day on the back of the range if they were old or tough. Originally the veggies used were ones hunters would find while they hunted. This can be scaled up. History: It is thought that Chasseur sauce was invented by Duke Philippe De Mornay (1549-1623), Governor of Saumur, and Lord of the Plessis Marly in the 1600s. He was a great protestant writer and called the protestant pope. It is said that he also invented Mornay Sauce, Sauce Bechamel, Sauce Lyonnaise, and Sauce Porto. Coulis (koo-LEE) – (1) A French culinary term. It is a type of a sauce, usually a thick one, which derives it body (either entirely or in part), from pureed fruits or vegetables. A sauce of cooked down tomatoes can be a tomato coulis as can a puree of strained blackberries. (2) Today coulis also means a thick soup made with crayfish, lobster, prawns, and other crustaceans – the word being used where bisque has formerly been used. History: In old English cookbooks, the world “cullis” is found but this has fallen into disuse and “coulis” has taken its place. At one time, coulis were sauces and also the juices which flowed from roasting meat. Some cooks called liquids purees coulis, but only those prepared with chicken, game, fish, crustaceans, and some vegetables. Hollandaise Sauce (HOL-uhn-dayz) – Hollandaise mean Holland-style or from Holland. Uses butter and egg yolks as binding. It is served hot with vegetables, fish, and eggs (like egg benedict). It will be a pale lemon color, opaque, but with a luster not appearing oily. The basic sauce and its variations should have a buttery-smooth texture, almost frothy, and an aroma of good butter. Making this emulsified sauce requires a good deal of practice — it is not for the faint of heart. Bearnaise sauce, which is “related” to hollandaise sauce, is most often served with steak. History – Most historians agree that it was originally called Sauce Isigny after a town in Normandy, Isigny-sur-Mer, known for its butter. Today, Normandy is called the cream capital of France. During World War I, butter production came to a halt in France and had to be imported from Holland. The name was changed to hollandaise to indicate the source of the butter and was never changed back. 17th Century – Sauce Hollandaise, as we now know it, is the modern descendant of earlier forms of a sauce believed to have been brought to France by the Heugenots. It appears to have actually been a Flemish or Dutch sauce thickened with eggs, like a savory custard, with a little butter beaten in to smooth the texture. 1651 – Francois Pierre de La Varenne (1618-1678), in his cookbook, Le cuisine franis (The True French Cook) has a recipe for a similar sauce in his recipe for Asparagus in Fragrant Sauce: “Choose the largest, scrape the bottoms and wash, then cook in water, salt well, and don’t let them cook too much. When cooked, put them to drain, make a sauce with good fresh butter, a little vinegar, salt, and nutmeg, and an egg yolk to bind the sauce; take care that it doesn’t curdle; and serve the asparagus garnished as you like.” Marinara (mah-ree-NAH-rah) – Means “sailor” in Italian (sailor style of tomato sauce). A spicy, quickly cooked pasta sauce of Italian origins but far more popular in American restaurants featuring southern Italian cuisines than in most of Italy. Mayonnaise (MAY-uh-nayz) – Mayonnaise is an emulsion consisting of oil, egg, vinegar, condiments, and spices. History: When first invented, it was called Mahonnaise. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the sauce got its present name of mayonnaise purely by accident through a printing error in an early 1841 cookbook. There are many conflicting stories on the origin of mayonnaise: Most authorities believe the first batch of this mixture of egg yolks, oil and seasonings was whipped up to celebrate the 1756 French capture of Mahon, a city on the Spanish Isle of Minorca, by forces under Louis-Francois-Armad de Vignerot du Plessis, duc de Richelieu (1696-1788). The Duke, or more likely, his personal chef, is credited with inventing mayonnaise, as his chef created a victory feast that was to include a sauce made of cream and eggs. Realizing that there was no cream in the kitchen, the chef substituted olive oil for the cream and a new culinary creation was born. Supposedly the chef named the new sauce “Mahonnaise” in honor of the Duc’s victory. Besides enjoying a reputation as a skillful military leader, the Duke was also widely known as a bon vivant with the odd habit of inviting his guests to dine in the nude. Early French immigrant cooks that originally lived in Fort Mahon brought the original recipe to Minnesota. An old superstition is that a woman should not attempt to make mayonnaise during menstruation time, as the mayonnaise will simply not blend together as well. Some historians state that Marie Antoine Careme (1784-1833), celebrated French chef and author, proclaimed that mayonnaise was derived from the word magnonaise (magner means “made by hand” or “stir”). Due to the time period of when Careme was a chef, this theory doesn’t make sense, as he would surely have know the history of the name, had mayonnaise been created as recently as 1756. The French cities Bayonne and Les Mayons also claim to be the place of birth of mayonnaise. Les Mayons, capital of Minorque in the Balearic Islands, occupied by English and conquered by the French admiral Louis-Franis-Louis-Franis-Armand of Plessis de Richelieu. He brought back a local sauce based on lemon juice key and egg yolk, olive oil, raised of a little black pepper and marine salt, garlic or fresh grass. Bayonne, a resort town on the Aquitaine/Basque coast in southwest France. It is thought that mayonnaise could be an alteration and corruption of bayonnaise sauce. Nowdays, bayonnaise refers to a mayonnaise flavored with the Espelette chiles. The sauce may have remained unnamed until after the Battle of Arques in 1589. It may then have been christened “Mayennaise” in ‘honor’ of Charles de Lorraine, duc de Mayenne (1554-1611), supposedly because he took the time to finish his meal of chicken with cold sauce before being defeated in battle by Henri IV (1553-1610). Other historians claim it received its name from the Old French words “moyeunaise” or “moyeu,” meaning, “egg yok.” 1910 – Nina Hellman, a German immigrant from New York City, made a dressing that her husband, Richard Hellman, used on the sandwiches and salads he served in his New York delicatessen. He started selling the spread in “wooden boats” that were used for weighing butter. Initially he sold two versions of the recipe, and to differentiate between the two, he put a blue ribbon around one. In 1912, there was such a great demand for the “ribbon” version, that Hellmann designed a “Blue Ribbon” label, which he placed on larger glass jars. He did so well that he started a distribution business, purchased a fleet of trucks, and in 1912 built a manufacturing plant. Also Best Foods, Inc. in California did the same. Hellman and Best Foods later merged and account for about 45% of all bottled mayonnaise sole in the United States. Newburg Sauce – An American sauce that was created at the famous Delmonico Restaurant in New York City by their French chef, M. Pascal. This elegant sauce is composed of butter, cream, egg yolks, sherry, and seasonings. It is usually served over buttered toast points. The sauce is also used with other foods, in which case the dish is usually given the name “Newburg.” History: The sauce was originally named after a Mr. Wenburg, a frequent guest at the Delmonico restaurant. Mr. Wenburg and the boss of the Delmoico had an argument, thus causing Wenburg to insist that the sauce be renamed. The first three letters were changed to “New” instead of “Wen” to create the name “Newberg.” Mother Sauces – Also called Grand Sauces. These are the five most basic sauces that every cook should master. Antonin Careme, founding father of French “grande cuisine,” came up with the methodology in the early 1800’s by which hundreds of sauces would be categorized under five Mother Sauces, and there are infinite possibilities for variations, since the sauces are all based on a few basic formulas. Sauces are one of the fundamentals of cooking. Know the basics and you’ll be able to prepare a multitude of recipes like a professional. Learn how to make the basic five sauces and their most common derivatives. The five Mother Sauces are: Bechamel Sauce (white) Brown (demi-glace) or Espagnole Sauce Hollandaise Sauce (butter) Tomato Sauce (red) Remoulade (ray-muh-LAHD) – A chilled flavored mayonnaise used in French cuisine. It includes mayonnaise, anchovies or anchovy paste, mustard, capers, and chopped pickles that are served as a dressing for cold meats, poultry or seafood. Veloute Sauce (veh-loo-TAY) – Also called sauce blanche grasse or fat white sauce, rich white sauce. One of the five “mother sauces.” It is a stock-based white sauce that can be made from chicken, veal, or fish stock thickened with white roux. ee Mother Sauces for more information. Allemande Sauce – Veal veloute with egg yolk and cream liaison. Supreme Sauce – Chicken veloute reduced with heavy cream Vin Blanc Sauce – Fish veloute with shallots, butter, and fines herbs.	i don't know
Which word, meaning to censor, abridge or expurgate is taken from the name of the man who in 1807 published an expurgated 10 volume set of the works of Shakespeare entitled ‘The Family Shakspeare’?	Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary (1911) - Documents Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary (1911) Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary (1911) Nov 02, 2014 Share Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary (1911) Embed <iframe src="http://documents.mx/embed/ambrose-bierce-the-devils-dictionary-1911.html" width="750" height="600" frameborder="0" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" style="border:1px solid #CCC; border-width:1px; margin-bottom:5px; max-width: 100%;" allowfullscreen> </iframe> <div style="margin-bottom:5px"> <strong> <a href="http://documents.mx/documents/ambrose-bierce-the-devils-dictionary-1911.html" title="Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary (1911)" target="_blank">Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary (1911)</a></div> size(px) Description Text THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY AMBROSE BIERCE THE WORLD PUBLISHING COMPANY CLEVELAND AND NEW YORK Published by THE WORLD PUBLISHING COMPANY Cleveland 2 22JI West iioth Street Ohio WPO COPYRIGHT I9II BY ALBERT AND CHARLES BONI, INC. MANUFACTURED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY : — PREFACE The Devil's Dictionary was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, and was continued in a desultory way and at long intervals until 1906. In that year a large part of it was published in covers with the a title The name which the author Cynic's Word Book, had not the power to reject nor the happiness to approve. To quote the publishers of the present work "This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him by the religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of the work had appeared, with the natural consequence that when it came out in covers the country already had been flooded by its imitaThe tors with a score of 'cynic' books Cynic's This, The Cynic's That, and The Most of these books were Cynic's t'Other. merely stupid, though some of them added the Among them, they distinction of silliness. brought the word 'cynic' into disfavor so deep that any book bearing it was discredited in advance of publication." some of the enterprising humorists of the country had helped themMeantime, too, selves to such parts of the work as served their needs, and many of its definitions, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had become more or less current in popular speech. This explanation is made, not with any pride of priority in trifles, but in simple denial of possible charges of plagiarism, which is no trifle. In merely resuming his own the author hopes to be held guiltless by those to whom the work is addressed enlightened souls who prefer dry wines to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor and clean English to slang. A conspicuous, and it is hoped not unpleasing, feature of the book is its abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets, chief of whom is that learned and ingenious cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J., whose lines bear his initials. To Father Jape's kindly encouragement and assistance the author of the prose — text is greatly indebted. A. B. — Abasement, al n. A decent and customary mentthe presence of wealth or attitude in power. ployee Peculiarly appropriate in an em- when addressing an empldyer. in front of a fort, to pre- Abatis, «. Rubbish vent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside. Abdication, the throne. Poor n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the high temperature of Isabella's dead, Set all tongues whose abdication wagging in the Spanish to nation. scold For that performance 'twere unfair She wisely left a her: throne too hot to hold her. be no royal riddle To History she'll Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle. G. J Abdomen, in n. The temple of the god Stomach, whose worship, with sacrificial rights, all 12 men engage. From women this ancient faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at the altar in a true half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a free hand in the world's marketing the race would become graminivorous. Ability, plish tions «. The natural equipment to accom- some small part of the meaner ambidistinguishing able men from dead ones. In the last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity. this it is impressive quality is Perhaps, however, rightly appraised; no easy task to be solemn. Abnormal, ard. adj. Not conforming to stand- In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward a straiter resemblance to the Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell. — 13 Aborigines, n. Persons of soil of a little worth found cumbering the country. fertilize. newly discovered They soon cease to cumber; they Abracadabra. By Abracadabra we signify of things. An infinite number 'Tis the answer to What ? and And Whence? and Whither? a word whereby The Truth (with the comfort it brings) Is open to all who grope in night, Crying for Wisdom's holy light. — How ? and Why ? Whether Is I the word that is a verb or a noun knowledge beyond my reach. only know From From 'tis handed down sage to sage, age to age An Of immortal part of speech! an ancient man the tale is told That he lived to be ten centuries old, side. In a cave on a mountain (True, he finally died.) The fame of his wisdom filled the land, For his head was bald, and you'll understand His beard was long and white And his eyes uncommonly bright. — 14 Philosophers gathered To sit from far and near and hear and hear, Though he never was heard at his feet To utter a word But "Abracadabra, abracadab, Abracada, abracad, Abraca, abrac, abra, abl" 'Twas Twas all all he had, to they wanted of hear, and each speech, Made copious notes the mystical Which In a they published next A trickle of text meadow of commentary. Mighty big books were these, In number, as leaves of trees; In learning, remarkable —very! He's dead, As I said. And the books of the sages have perished, is it But his wisdom In Abracadabra sacredly cherished. solemnly rings, Like an ancient bell that forever swings. O, I love to hear That word make clear Humanity's General Sense of Things. Jamrach Holobom. Abridge, t. /. To shorten. When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for a people to abridge their king, ? decent — respect for the opinions of : 15 mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. Oliver Cromwell. Abrupt, Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon-shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautiadj. fully said of another author's ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption." Abscond, v. i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with Spring beckons! the property of another. All things to the call respond; The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond. Phela Orm. Absent, of adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth vilified; detraction; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another. To men a man is but a mind. Who cares What face he carries or what form he wears? But woman's body Stay thou, is the woman. O, said my sweetheart, and do never go, But heed the warning words the sage hath A woman absent is a woman dead. logo Tyree, — 16 Absentee, n. A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction. Absolute, adj. An absolute monarchy Independent, irresponsible. is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governed by chance. Abstainer, ure. n. A weak person who one yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleas- A total abstainer is who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought You "So I a total abstainer, I my son." am, so am," said the scapegrace caught "But not, sir, a bigoted one." G.L Absurdity, n. A statement or belief mani- festly inconsistent with one's own opinion. 17 Academe, ality n. An ancient school where mor- and philosophy were taught. Academy, n. (from academe). school where football is taught. Accident, n. A modern An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws. Accomplice, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the matter has not hitherto torneys, commanded the assent of at- no one having offered them a fee for assenting. Accord, «. Harmony. Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin. Accountability, n. The mother of Vizier: caution. "My accountability, bear in mind," Said the Grand "Yes, yes," the only kind Said the Shah: "I do— 'tis Of ability you possess." Joram Tate, 18 Accuse, v. t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him. Acephalous, In the surprising condiwho absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar had, unconsciously to him, passed adj. tion of the Crusader through his neck, as related by de Joinville. Achievement, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. Acknowledge, v. t. To confess. Acknow- ledgment of one another's faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth. Acquaintance, enough called n. A person whom we know A degree of friendship object is is its well enough to borrow from, but not well to lend to. slight when poor or rich or obscure, and intimate when he famous. Actually, adv. Adage, n. Perhaps ; possibly. Boned wisdom for weak teeth. 19 Adamant, gold. mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of n. A Adder, its n. A species of snake. So called from habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living. Adherent, obtained n. all A follower who has not yet that he expects to get. n. Administration, and cuffs An ingenious abstrac- tion in politics, designed to receive the kicks due to the premier or president. A man of straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting. Admiral, n. That part of a war-ship which does the talking while the figure-head does the thinking. Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. Admonition, meat-axe. n. Gentle reproof, as with a Friendly warning. Consigned, by way of admonition, His soul forever to perdition. Judibras. 20 AdorE^ Advice, -) v. t. To The venerate expectantly. smallest current coin. such deep distress," n. "The man was in Said Tom, "that I could do no advice." less Than I give him good Said Jim: "If less could have been done for him know you well enough, my son. To know that's what you would have done." Jebel Jocordy. Affianced, pp. Fitted with an ankle- ring for the ball-and-chain. Affliction, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for another and bitter world. African, n. A nigger that votes our way. Age, n. That period of life in which we comstill pound for the vices that we cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the enterprise to commit. Agitator, n. A statesman fruit trees of his neighbors — who shakes the to dislodge the worms. 21 Aim, n. The task we set our wishes to. "Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?" She tenderly inquired. "An aim? Well, no, The fact is I have I haven't, wife; fired." — G.J. Air, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor. Alderman, «. An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding. Alien, «. An American sovereign in his pro- bationary state. Allah, and n. The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the Christian, Jewish, so forth. Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept, And ever for the And sometimes Have sins of man have wept; hands and slept. kneeling in the temple I reverently crossed my Junker Barlow. 22 Allegiance, n. This thing Allegiance, Is a ring fitted as I suppose, in the subject's nose. is Whereby that organ kept rightly pointed To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed. G.J. Alliance, In international politics, the n. union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. n. Alligator, The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World. Herodotus says the Indus is, with one exceponly river that produces crocodiles, but they appear to have gone West and grown up with the other rivers. From the notches on his back the alligator is called tion, the a sawrian. Alone, adj. In bad company. flint In contact, lo! the and steel, By spark and flame, the thought reveal the metal, she the stone. That he Had cherished secretly alone. Booley Fito. 23 Altar, b. The place whereon the priest form- erly raveled out the small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a male and a female fool. They stood before the altar and supplied The fire themselves in which their fat was fried. In vain the sacrifice! —no god Able will claim An offering burnt with an unholy flame. M. Ambidextrous, skill P. Nopput. pick with equal a right-hand pocket or a left. adj. to Ambition, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish. Anoint^ As v. t. To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood, So pigs to lead the populace are greased good. Judibras. 24 Antipathy, ». The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend. Aphorism, The «. Predigested wisdom. flabby wine-skin of his brain Yields to some pathologic strain, And The voids from its unstored abysm 1697. driblet of an aphorism. "The Mad Philosopher," Apologize, v. i. To lay the foundation for a future offence. Apostate, n. A leech who, having penetrated it the shell of a turtle only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems ient to turtle. exped- form a new attachment to a fresh Apothecary, provider. n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's When That Jove sent blessings to friend all men jar, that are, And Mercury conveyed them in a tricksters of introduced by stealth Disease for the apothecary's health. Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim: "My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!" G.J. — 25 Appeal, v. t. In law, to put the dice box for another throw. Appetite, into the n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question. Applause, n. The echo of a platitude. fool with another April Fool, n. The March month added to his folly. Archbishop, If I n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop. were a jolly archbishop, On On all the fish up Salmon and flounders and smelts; Fridays I'd eat other days everything else. Jodo Rem. Architect, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money. Ardor, «. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge. Arena, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman wrestles with his record. — 26 Aristocracy, (In this kind of ation Government by the best men. sense the word is obsolete; so is that government.) Fellows that wear «. downy hats and clean shirts —guilty of educa and suspected of bank accounts. Armor, «. The kind of clothing worn by man whose tailor is a blacksmith. Arrayed, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter hanged to a lamppost. Arrest, v. t. Formally the to detain one accused of unusualness. God made Version. world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. The Unauthorized Arsenic, n. ed by the turn. A kind of ladies, cosmetic greatly affectit whom Yes, greatly affects in "Eat arsenic? all you get," Consenting, he did speak up; " 'Tis better you should eat it, pet, Than put it in my teacup." Joel Huck. — 27 Art, n. This word has no is definition. Its origin related as follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, One day a wag it —^what would god's S. J. the wretch be at? Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT, name! Straight arose And And And said was a Fantastic priests and postulants mysteries, (with shows, and mummeries, and hymns. fires. disputations dire that lamed their limbs) To serve his temple and maintain the Expound Amazed, And, the law, manipulate the wires. the populace the rites attend, Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend, inly edified to learn that two fit Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do) Have Than sweeter values and a grace more Nature's hairs that never have been sacrificial feasts. priests. split, Bring cates and wines for And sell their garments to support the Artlessness, to n. A certain engaging quality which women attain by long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased to fancy it resembles the can- did simplicity of his young. Asperse, v. t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit. 28 Ass, n. A public singer with a good voice but called the In Virginia City, Nevada, he is Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator, and everywhere the Donkey. The no ear. widely and variously celebrated in the literature, art and religion of every age and country; no other so engages and animal is fires the human imagination Indeed, it is as this noble doubted by some (Ramasilus, lib. II., De Clem., and C. Stantatus, De Temperamente) if it is not a god; and as such we know it was worshiped by vertebrate. the Etruscans, and, robious, if we may also. believe Mac- by the Cupasians Of the only two animals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise along with the souls of men, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of the Seven Sleepers the other. This is no From what has been written about this beast might be compiled a library of great splendor and magnitude, small distinction. rivaling that of the Shakspearean cult, and which clusters about the Bible. It may be said, generally, that all literature is more or less Asinine. that "Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing; "Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King! 29 Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine: is God made all else; the Mule, the Mule thine!" G. J. Auctioneer, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue. Australia, n. A country lying in the South and commercial Sea, whose industrial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island. AVERNUS, n. The lake by which the ancients entered the infernal regions. access to the infernal regions The fact that by a lake is believed by the learned to was obtained Marcus Ansello Scrutator Christian rite have suggested the of baptism by immersion. This, however, has been shown by Lactantius to be an error. Facilis descensus Averni, The poet remarks; and the sense Of it is that when down-hill I turn Will get I more of punches than pence. Jehal Dai Lupe. 30 B Baal, n. An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names. As Baal he was popular with the Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he had the honor to be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the famous account of the Deluge as Babel he had a tower partly erected to his glory on the Plain of Shinar. From Babel comes our English word "babble." Under whatever name wor; shiped, Baal is the Sun-god. of flies, As Beelze- bub he is the god which are begotten of the sun's on stagnant water. In Physicia Baal is still worshiped as Bolus, and as Belly he is adored and served with abundant sacrifice by the priests of Guttledom. rays n. Babe or Baby, A misshapen creature of no or condition, chiefly particular age, sex, remarkable for the violence of the sympathand antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion. There have been famous babes for example, little Moses, from whose adventure in the bulies ; 31 rushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven centuries before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris being preserved on a floating lotus leaf. Ere babes were invented girls were contented. The Now man His money. is tormented Until to buy babes he has squandered And so I have pondered This thing, and thought may be 'T were better that Baby The First had been eagled or condored. Ro A mil. Bacchus, «. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. Is public worship, then, a sin. That for devotions paid to Bacchus The lictors dare to run us in, And resolutely thump and whack us? Jorace. Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity. Backbite, find v. t. To speak of a man as you him when he can't find you. 32 Bait, «. A preparation that renders palatable. the hook more The best kind is beauty. Baptism, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is performed with water in two ways by immersion, or plunging, and by — aspersion, or sprinkling. But whether the plan of immersion Is better than simple aspersion Let those immersed And those aspersed Decide by the Authorized Version, And by matching their agues tertian. G. J. Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. Barrack, to n. A house in which soldiers enjoy which it is a portion of that of their business deprive others. Basilisk, basilisk n. The a cockatrice. A its sort of ser- pent hatched from the egg of a cock. The had bad eye, and glance was 33 deny this creature's Semprello Aurator saw and handled one that had been blinded by lightning as a punishment for having fatally gazed on a lady of rank whom Jupiter loved. Juno afterward restored the reptile's sight and hid it in a cave. Nothing is so well attested by the ancients as the existence of the basilisk, but the cocks have stopped layfatal. Many infidels existence, but ing. Bastinado, n. The act of walking on wood without exertion. Bath, kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined. n. A The man who taketh a steam bath He loseth all the skin he hath, And, for he's boiled a brilliant red, Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed, Forgetting that his lungs he's soiling With dirty vapors of the boiling. Richard Gwow. Battle, teeth method of untying with the a political knot that would not yield n. A to the tongue. — 34 Beard, The hair that is commonly by those who justly execrate the «. cut off absurd Chinese custoip of shaving the head. Beauty, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. Befriend, Beg, v. v. t. To make an ingrate. To ask for something with an earnestit ness proportioned to the belief that will not be given. Who is that, father? A See mendicant, child. Haggard, morose, and unaffable —wild! bars of his cell! how he glares through the With Citizen Mendicant all is not well. Why did they put him there, father? Because Obeying his belly he struck at the laws. His belly? Oh, well, he was starving, little my boy A state in which, doubtless, there's of joy. No bite had he eaten for days, Was "Bread!" ever "Bread!" and his cry —— 35 What's the matter with pie? With little to wear, he had nothing to sell; To beg was unlawful didn't he —improper as well. Why work? But men I said: He would even have done that, "Get out!" and the State remarked: "Scat!" mention these incidents merely to show the vengeance he took That But was uncommonly low. Revenge, at the for trifles best, is the act of a Siou, Pray what did bad Mendicant do ? Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack And tuck out the belly that clung to his back. Is that all father dear ? There is little to tell: They sent him The company's to jail, and they'll send him to — ^well, better than here we can boast. And there's Bread for the needy, dear father? Um—toast. Atka Mip. — 36 Beggar, n. One who has relied on the assist- ance of his friends. Behavior, Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by breeding. The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach Holobom's translation of the following lines in the Dies Irce n. : Recordare, Jesu pie, Quod sum causa tuae vias. Ne me perdas ilia die. , Pray remember, sacred Savior, Whose the thoughtless Death-blow. hand that gave your Pardon such behavior. Belladonna, In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two n. tongues. Benedictines, wise n. An order of monks otherfriars. known it as black She thought a crow, but it turned out to be A monk of St. Benedict croaking a text. "Here's one of an order of cooks," said she "Black friars in this world, fried black in the next." "The Devil on Earth" (London, 1712). — 37 Benefactor, chases of n. One who makes heavy without, pur- ingratitude, however, is still materially affecting the price, which within the means of all. Berenice's Hair, Berenices) rificed n. A constellation in named honor of one {Coma who sac^ her hair to save her husband. locks an ancient lady gave Her Her loving husband's life to save; And men Upon some But to —they stars honored so the dame bestowed her name. fair, our modern married Who'd give their lords to save their hair, No stellar recognition's given. There are not stars enough in heaven. G. J. Bigamy, «. A mistake in taste for which the a punish- wisdom of the future will adjudge ment called trigamy. Bigot, n. One who is obstinately and zeal- ously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. Billingsgate, ent. n. The invective of an oppon- 38 Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of it there uniformity. appears to be no Pollux were born Castor and Pallas came out of a skull. once a block of stone. Peresilis, Galatea was who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount j^tna, and I have myself seen a man come from the egg. out of a wine cellar. Blackguard, n. A man whose qualities, pre- pared for display like a box of berries in a market the fine ones on top have been opened on the wrong side. An inverted — — gentleman. Blank-verse, meters n. —the most Unrhymed iambic difficult ; penta- kind of English a kind, therefore, verse to write acceptably much affected by those who cannot accepta- bly write any kind. Body-snatcher, n. A robber of grave-worms. young physicians with One who supplies the 39 that with which the old physicians have sup- plied the undertaker. The hyena. fall, "One I night," a doctor said, "last and my comrades, four in all, When visiting a graveyard stood wall, Within the shadow of a We "While waiting for the moon to sink saw a wild hyena slink About a new-made grave, and then its Begin to excavate brink! act, "Shocked by the horrid we made beast, A sally from our ambuscade, falling And, on the unholy Dispatched him with a pick and spade." Bettel K. Jhones. Bondsman, who, having property of his own, undertakes to become responsible for that entrusted by another to a third. Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a dissolute nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he would be able to give. "I need no bondsmen," he replied, "for I can give you my word of honor." "And pray what may be the value of that?" inquired the amused Regent. "Monsieur, it is worth its weight n. A fool in gold." — 40 ' Bore, n. A «. person who talks when you wish him to listen. Botany, are. The deals science of vegetables eat, as —those inart- that are not good to It well as those that largely with their flowers, ill-smelling. which are commonly badly designed, istic in color, and adj. its Bottle-nosed, the image of Having a nose created in maker. Boundary, In political geography, an n. imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other. n. Bounty, much, get all The liberality of in permitting one who one who has has nothing to that he can. it is A single swallow, said, devours ten millions of insects every year. I take to The supplying of these insects be a signal instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His creatures. Beecher. Henry Ward Brahma, n. He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu and destroyed — 41 by Siva than is —a rather neater division of labor found among the deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese, for example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed by Folly. The priests of Brahma, like those of the Abracadabranese, are holy and learned men who are never naughty. O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity, First Person of the Hindoo Trinity, You sit there so calm and securely. With feet folded up so demurely You're the First Person Singular, surely. Polydore Smith. Brain, that n. An apparatus with which we think we think. That which distinguishes the man who is content to be something from A the man who wishes to do something. man of great wealth, or one who has been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our civiliz- ation, and under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of ofKce. 42 Brandy, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part deathhell- an d-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the time. Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes. Only a hero will venture to drink it. Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. Brute, «. See Husband. Caaba, n. A large stone presented by the archAbraham, angel Gabriel to the patriarch and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps asked the archangel for bread. Cabbage, head. n. A familiar kitchen-garden veget- able about as large and wise as a man's a prince a The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, who on ascending the throne issued decree appointing a High Council of 43 Empire consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry the royal garden. ty's and the cabbages in When any of his Majesmiscarried con- measures of it state policy was gravely announced that several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his murmuring subjects were appeased. spicuously Calamity, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others. Callous, ad]. Gifted with great fortitude told that one of to bear the evils afflicting another. When Zeno was his enemies was no more he was observed to be "What!" said one of his deeply moved. disciples, "you weep at the death of an enemy?" "Ah, 'tis true," replied the great Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend." Calumnus, Scandal. b. a graduate of the School for 44 Camel, n. A quadruped (the Splaypes idorsus) of great value to the There are two kinds of camels ness. humpshow busi- —the It camel proper and the camel improper. is the latter that is always exhibited. Cannibal, n. A gastronome of the old school who to the natural diet of the preserves the simple tastes and adheres p re-pork period. Cannon, instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries. n. An Canonicals, n. The motley worn by of the Court of Heaven. Capital, «. Jesters The seat of misgovernment. That the pot, the dinner, which provides the fire, the table and the knife and fork for the anarchist; the part of the repast that himself supplies is the disgrace before meat. Capital Punishment, a penalty regarding the justice and expediency of — of worthy persons —including which many the assassins all entertain grave misgivings. n. Carmelite, A mendicant friar of the order Mount Carmel. 43 As Death was Across a-riding out one day, Mount Carmel he took his way, Where he met a mendicant monk, three or four quarters drunk, Some With a holy leer and a pious grin. fat Ragged and and as saucy as sin. Who Give held out his hands and cried: I pray. "Give, give in Charity's name, in the name of the Church. live !" O give, Give that her holy sons may And Death replied. Smiling long and wide: "I'll give, holy father, I'll give thee —a ride." With a rattle and bang Of From By his bones, he sprang his spear; famous Pale Horse, with the neck and the foot his Seized the fellow, and put Him astride with his face to the rear. The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that coffin's fell Like clods on the sounding shell: say. "Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they Will ride to the devil!" and thump Fell the flat of his dart on the rump Of the charger, which galloped away. — Faster and faster and faster it flew. Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that grew By the road were dim and blended and blue in size To Of the wild, wide eyes the rider — 46 Resembling a couple of blackberry pies. Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh foiled At a burial service spoiled, And the mourners' intentions By the body erecting Its head and objecting its To further proceedings in behalf. Many a year and many a day Have passed since these events away. The monk has long been a dusty corse, And Death For the has never recovered his horse. friar got hold of its tail. And steered it within the pale Of the monastery gray. Where the beast was stabled and fed With barley and oil and bread Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar, And so in due course was appointed Prior. G.J. Carnivorous, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns. Cartesian, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, Cogito ergo sum ^whereby he was pleased to suppose he demonstrated the reality of — human existence. The dictum might be improved, however, thus: Cogito 47 cogito ergo cogito sum —"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am ;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made. Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. This is a dog, This is a cat, This is a frog, This is a rat. Run, dog, mew, cat, Jump, frog, gnaw, rat. Elevenson. Caviler, n. A critic of our own work. Cemetery, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. The inscriptions following will serve to attained in illustrate the success these Olympian games: His virtues were to so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to overlook them, denied them, and his friends, whose loose as vices. lives they were a rebuke, represented fam- them ily, They are here commemorated by his who shared them. 48 In the earth we here prepare a little Place to lay our — Thomas M. and Mary Frazer. will raise her. Clara. P. S. —Gabriel One Centaur, n. of a race of persons who lived before the division of labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who followed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his own horse." The best of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of the horse added the fleetness of man. The scripture story of the head of John the Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths have somewhat sophisticated sacred history. Cerberus, «. The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the entrance against — whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody, sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the entrance. Cerberus is known to have had three heads, and some of the poets have credited him with as many as a hundred. Professor Graybill, whose clerky erudition and profound knowledge of Greek give his opinion great weight, has averaged all the estimates, and • 49 makes the number twenty-seven a judgment that would be entirely conclusive if Professor Graybill had known (a) something about dogs, and (b) something about arithmetic. — Childhood, «. The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth the sin of —two removes from manhaod and three from the remorse of age. Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who life of sin. follows the teach- ings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a I I dreamed stood upon a hill, and, lo! The With godly multitudes walked to and fro fitly clad, Beneath, in Sabbath garments pious mien, appropriately sad, all While the church bells made a solemn din— A fire-alarm to those who lived in sin. Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below, With tranquil face, upon that holy show A tall, spare figure in a robe of white. eyes diffused a melancholy light. Whose : 50 keep you, stranger," I exclaimed. "You are doubt (your habit shows it) from afar; No And yer I entertain the hope that you, "God Like these good people, are a Christian too." He raised his eyes and with a look so stern It made me with a thousand blushes burn his manner with disdain was spiced "What! I a Christian? No, indeed! I'm Christ." G.J. Replied — Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool. Clairvoyant, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron namely, — that he is a blockhead. An instrument of torture Clarionet, n. operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet two clarionets. — A Clergyman, n. management method Clio, tion n. man who undertakes the of our spiritual affairs as a of bettering his temporal ones. One of the nine Muses. Clio's func- was to preside over history —which she ; — 51 of the prominseats did with great dignity, ent citizens of many Athens occupying on the platform, the meetings being addressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular speakers. Clock^ n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him. A busy man complained one day: "I get no time!" "What's that you say?" the time there is. Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz; "You have, sir, all There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it We're never for an hour without it." Purzil Crofe. Close-fisted, adj. Unduly desirous of keep- ing that which many meritorious persons wish to obtain. "Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried To "See thrifty J. Macpherson me I'm ready to divide With any worthy person." — — 52 Said Janjie: "That is very true backing; to you. The boast requires no And all are worthy, sir, Who have what you are lacking." Anita M. Bobe. CCENOBITE, self n. A man who piously shuts himsin of his ness; up to meditate upon the and to keep it fresh in wickedjoins mind a brotherhood of awful examples. O Coenobite, O coenobite, Monastical gregarian. You differ from the anchorite, That solitudinarian: With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick; With dropping shots he makes him sick. Quincy Giles. Comfort, «. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness. Commendation, to n. The tribute that we pay achievements that resemble, but do not equal, our own. Commerce, A n. kind of transaction in which plunders from B the goods of C, and for A compensation B picks the pocket of to E. D of money belonging — 53 Commonwealth, ity n. An administrative ent- operated by an incalculable multitude of political parasites, logically active but fort- uitously efficient. This commonwealth's Capitol's corridors view, So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew Of clerks, pages, porters Whom That a rascals appoint and all attaches and the populace pays cat cannot slip through the thicket of shins its Nor hear clerks own shriek for the noise of their chins. porters, On and on pages, and and all. Misfortune attend and disaster befall! May May May May May And life be to them a succession of hurts; fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts; aches and diseases full encamp in their bones. Their lungs of tubercles, bladders of stones; microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest. And tapeworms securely their bowels digest; corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair, frequent impalement their pleasure impair. Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse Of audible sofas sepulchraUy hoarse. By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores! Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin! Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin, Avenging the friend whom I couldn't work in. K. Q. Compromise, n. Such an adjustment of coneach adversary the flicting interests as gives 54 satisfaction of thinking ought not to he has got what he have, and is deprived of no- thing except what was justly his due. Compulsion, Condole, v. n. The eloquence of power. i. To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than sympathy. Confidant, Confidante, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C. Congratulation, Congress, n. n. The civility of envy. A n. body of men who meet to repeal laws. Connoisseur, A specialist who knows something and nothing about anything else. An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, some wine was poured everything about upon his lips to revive him. died. "Pauillac, 1873," he murmured and n. Conservative, A statesman who is enam- — ored of existing the Liberal, evils, as — 55 distinguished from who wishes to replace them with others. Consolation, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than n. yourself. Consul, In American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country. v. t. Consult, To seek another's approval of a course already decided on. Contempt, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed. n. Controversy, A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. In controversy with the facile tongue That bloodless warfare of the old and young So seek your adversary to engage That on himself he shall exhaust his And, like a snake that's fastened rage, to the ground, With his own fangs inflict the fatal wound. 56 You ask Adopt his me how this miracle own opinions, one is done? by one, And taunt him to refute them; in his wrath them pitilessly from his path. Advance then gently all you wish to prove. Each proposition prefaced with, "As you've So well remarked," or, "As you wisely say. He'll sweep And I cannot dispute," it or, "By the way. This view of which, better far expressed. Runs through your argument." Then leave the rest To And him, secure that he'll perform his trust prove your views intelligent and just. Conmore Apel Brune. Convent^ n. A place of retirement for women for leisure to meditate who wish upon the vice of idleness. Conversation, n. A fair for the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor. Coronation, n. The ceremony of investing outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. a sovereign with the 57 Corporal, n. A man who occupies the lowest rung of the military ladder. Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell, Our corporal heroically fell! Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl And said: "He hadn't very far to fall." Giacomo Smith. Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit ual responsibility. without individ- Corsair, n. A «. politician of the seas. Court Fool, Coward, «. The plaintiff. in a perilous One who emergency thinks with his legs. Craft, n. A n. fool's substitute for brains. Crayfish, A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but In this small fish I take it less indigestible. that human wisdom for whereas is admirably figured and symbolized; crayfish doth the move only backward, and can have only seeing retrospection, naught but the perils already 58 passed, so the wisdom of man doth not enable him to avoid the follies that beset his course, but only to apprehend their nature afterward.^-Sir James Merivale. Creditor, n. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions. Cremona, n. A high-priced violin made in Connecticut. Critic, n. A person who boasts himself nobody tries to hard to please because please him. There is a land of pure delight. Beyond the Jordan's flood, Where saints, apparelled all in white. critic's Fling back the mud. skies, And as he legs it through the His pelt a sable hue. He sorrows sore to recognize missiles that The he threw. Orrin Goof. Cross, n. An ancient religious symbol errone- ously supposed to ianity, owe its significance to the most solemn event in the history of Christbut really antedating it by thousands : 59 it has been believed to be identical with the crux ansata of the ancient phallic worship, but it has been traced of years. By many even beyond all that we know of that, to the have to-day rites of primitive peoples. We the the White Cross as a symbol of chastity, and Cross as a badge of benevolent neutrality in war. Having in mind the former, the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect following Red "Be good, be good !" the sisterhood Cry out in holy chorus, And, to dissuade from sin, parade Their various charms before us. But why, O why, has ne'er an eye Seen her of winsome manner And youthful grace and pretty face Flaunting the White Cross banner ? Now where's the To better our need of speech and screed behaving? A Is, simpler plan for saving man (But, first, is he worth saving?) dears, when he declines to flee From bad thoughts that beset him, Ignores the Law as 't were a straw, And wants to sin don't let him. — 60 Cm Bono? do me} (Latin) What good would that Cunning, n. The faculty that a weak animal or person from It brings its possessor distinguishes a strong one. satis- faction much mental and great material adversity. "The more foxes than asses." so-called An Italian proverb says: skins of furrier gets the Cupid, n. The god of love. This bastard creation of a barbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the in- sins of its deities. Of all unbeautiful and this is the most and offensive. The notion of symbolizing sexual love by a semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to the wounds of an arrow of introducing this pudgy homunculus into art grossly to materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work this is eminently worthy of the age that, giving it birth, laid it on the appropriate conceptions reasonless — — doorstep of posterity. Curiosity, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is 61 one of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul. Curse, t. Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick. This is an operation which v. in literature, particularly in the drama, is commonly fatal to the victim. Nevertheless, is the liability to a cursing insurance. a risk that cuts life but a small figure in fixing the rates of Cynic, glackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his n. A vision. D Damn, v. A By word formerly much used by meaning of the Paphlagonians, the is lost. which the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak satis- it is believed to have been a term of implying the highest possible degree of mental tranquillity. Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frefaction, 62 quently occurs in combination with the word jod or god, meaning "joy." It would be with great diffidence that I should advance an opinion conflicting with that of either of these formidable authorities. Dance, v. i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. are There those many kinds of dances, but all requiring the participation of the two sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious. Danger, «. A savage beast which, when it sleeps, Man But girds at and despises, takes himself away by leaps And bounds when it arises. Ambat Delaso. Daring, ities «. of One of the most conspicuous a man in security. qual- Datary, n. A high is ecclesiastic official of the Roman function Catholic Church, whose important to brand the Pope's bulls with 63 the words Datum Romee. He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of God. Dawn, to n. The time bed. Certain old when men of reason go men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it. Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly This period is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper the former devoted to sins of misspent. — business, the latter consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity overlap. Dead, adj. Done with the work of breathing; done With all the world the mad race run ; Through to the end; the golden goal Attained and found to be a hole! Squatol Johnes. Debauchee, n. One who it. has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver. As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet, Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him. Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him; So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him, Yet-feels the narrow limits that impound him, it. it. Grieves at his debt and studies to evade And finds at last he might as well have paid Barlow S. Vode. Decalogue, ten in «. A series of number to — just commandments, enough to permit an Following intelligent selection for observance, but not enough is embarrass the choice. the revised edition of the Decalogue, calc- ulated for this meridian. Thou shalt no God but me adore: 'Twere too expensive to have more. — 05 No images nor idols make to break. For Robert IngersoU Take not God's name in vain; select A time when it will have effect. Work But go not on Sabbath days at to see the all, teams play ball. Honor thy For life parents. That creates insurance lower rates. Kill not, abet not those who kill; bill. Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless Thine own thy neighbor doth Don't steal ; caress. thou'lt never thus compete Successfully in business. Cheat. Bear not false witness 'tis — that is low so." But "hear rumored so and Covet thou naught that thou hast not By hook or crook, or somehow, got G.7. DecIi;»E, v. i. To succumb to the ance of one set of influences preponderover another set. 66 A was riven from a tree, "I mean to fall to earth," said leaf he. The west wind, rising, made him veer. "Eastward," said he, "I now shall steer." The Said east he : wind rose with greater force. " 'Twere wise to change my course." With equal power they contend. He said: "My judgment I suspend." Down Cried: died the winds; the leaf, elate, "I've decided to fall straight." "First thoughts are best?" That's not the moral; we'll not quarrel. Just choose your own and Howe'ti- your choice may chance it to fall, You'll have no hand in at all. G.J. Defame, v. t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another. Defenceless, adj. Unable to attack. Degenerate, aries of adj. Less conspicuously admir- able than one's ancestors. The contempor- Homer were it striking examples of degeneracy; required ten of them to raise 67 a rock or a riot that one of the heroes of the Trojan war could have raised with ease. never tires of sneering at "men who live in these degenerate days," which is perhaps why they suffered him to beg his Homer bread — a marked instance of returning if good have for evil, by the way, for they had for- bidden starved. him he would certainly Degradation, «. One of the stages of moral and social progress from private station to political preferment. Deinotherium, that flourished fashion. n. An the extinct when pachyderm Pterodactyl was in was a native of Ireland, its name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen latter it The printed. Dejeuner, n. The breakfast of an Paris. American who has been nounced. in Variously pro- Delegation, n. In American politics, an icle of merchandise that comes in sets. art- 68 Deliberation, n. The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on. Deluge, experiment in baptism which washed away the sins (and sinners) of the world. n. A notable first Delusion, n. The father of a most respect- able family, comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many All other goodly sons and daughters. Delusion! hail, Were it not for thee The world For turned topsy-turvy we should see; Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies, fly Would abandoned Virtue's gross advances. Mumfrey Mappel. Dentist, n. prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of A your pocket. Dependent, Reliant upon another's generosity for the support which you are not adj. in a position to exact from his fears. Deputy, male relative of an ofBceholder, or of his bondsman. The deputy is n. A — — commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and an intricate system of cobhis nose to his desk. webs extending from When accidentally struck by the janitor's off a broom, he gives cloud of dust. cried, "Chief Deputy," the Master "To-day the books are to be tried By experts and accountants who Have been commissioned to go through Our office here, to see if we Have stolen injudiciously. Please have the proper entries made. The proper balances displayed, Conforming to the whole amount Of cash on hand ^which they will count. — I've long admired your punctual way Here at the break and close of day. Confronting in your chair the crowd Of business men, whose And gestures violent you voices loud quell By some mysterious, calm spell Some magic lurking in your look That brings the noisiest to book And spreads a holy and profound all Tranquillity o'er around. So orderly all's done that they Who came to draw remain to pay. But now the time demands, at last. That you employ your genius vast In energies more active. Rise And shake the lightnings from your eyes; : 70 Inspire your underlings, and fling Your spirit into everything!" The Master's hand here dealt Upon the Deputy's bent back, a whack When straightway to the floor there fell A shrunken globe, a rattling shell, A blackened, withered, eyeless head! The man had been a twelvemonth dead. Jamrach Holohom. Destiny, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure. Diagnosis, ease n. A n. physician's forecast of dis- by the patient's pulse and purse. Diaphragm, A muscular partition separ- ating disorders of the chest of the bowels. from disorders Diary, life, n. A daily record of that part of one's relate to himself without which he can blushing. Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ All thg,t he had of wisdom and of wit. of his So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died. Erased "I'll all entries own and I cried: judge you by your diary." ; Said Hearst "Thank you 'twill show you am Saint the First"^ — 71 Straightway producing, jubilant and proud, That record from a pocket in his shroud. The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er, Each stupid line of which he knew before, Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit On shallow sentiment and stolen wit; gravely closed the book and gave friend, you've it Then back. wandered from your proper track: You'd never be content this side the tomb For big ideas Heaven has little room, And Hell's no latitude for making mirth," He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth. "My "The Mad Philosopher." Dictator, n. The chief of a nation that pre- fers the pestilence of despotism to the plague of anarchy. Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work. Die, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom hear the word, because there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." At long "The intervals, however, some one says: not true, for it is cut. die is cast," which is The word is found in an immortal couplet 72 by that eminent poet and domestic economist, Senator Depew: A cube of cheese no larger than a die bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie. May Digestion, virtues. n. The conversion of victuals into the process is When imperfect, vices are evolved instead —a circumstance from which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia. Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country. Disabuse, v. t. To present your neighbor with another and better error than the one which ,he has deemed it advantageous to embrace. Discriminate, v. i. To note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another. Discussion, n. A method of confirming others in their errors. — 73 Disobedience, n. The silver lining cloud of servitude. Disobey, priate v. t. to the To celebrate with an appro- ceremony the maturity of a com- mand. His right to govern me is clear as day, My And duty manifest to disobey; if that fit observance e'er alike I shut May I and duty be undone. Israfel Brown. Dissemble, v. i. To put a clean shirt upon the character. Let us dissemble. Adam. Distance, keep. n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs, and Distress, n. A n. disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. Divination, occult. The art of nosing out the is Divination of as many kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flow- ering dunce and the early fool. 74 Dog, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship. This Divine Being in some of his smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affection is of Woman, the human male vival place to which there aspirant. no not, —an The Dog is a sur- anachronism. He toils neither does he spin, yet Solomon in all his all day long, sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the means wherewith to purchase an idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with a look of tolerant recognition. glory never lay upon a door-mat Dragoon, n. A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal measure that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on horseback. Dramatist, n. One who adapts plays from the French. Druids, n. Priests and ministers of an which did not disdain to employ the humble allurement of ancient Celtic religion human sacrifice. Very little is now known — 75 about the Druids and their spread eastward as far says those teries as faith. Pliny Caesar says their religion, originating in Britain, Persia. its who desired to study mys- to Britain. Caesar himself went but does not appear to have obtained any high preferment in the Druidical Church, although his talent for human went to Britain, was considerable. Druids performed their religious rites in groves, and knew nothing of church mortgages and the season-ticket system of pew rents. They were, in short, heathens and as they were once complacently catalogued by a distinguished prelate of the Church of England Dissenters. sacrifice — Duck-bill, n. Your account at your staurant during the canvas-back season. re- Duel, ceremony preliminary to Great the reconciliation of two enemies. n. A formal skill is necessary to its satisfactory observ- ance; if awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel. — 76 That I dueling's a gentlemanly vice it hold; and wish that live had been my lot To my life out in some favored spot it is Some country where considered nice or slice To split a rival like a fish, A And husband like a spud, or with a shot in a Bring down a debtor doubled ready to be put upon the there are, knot ice. Some miscreants whom I do long To The I shoot, or stab, or some such way reclaim scurvy rogues to better lives and manners, see seem to them now if —a mighty throng. me they came. It looks as to challenge Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners! Xamha Q. Dar. Dullard, n. A member of the reigning letters and life. The Dullards with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy have overrun the habitable world. The secret of their power is their insensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh with a platitude. The Dullards came originally from Boeotia, dynasty in in came whence they were driven by ation, stress of starv- their dulness having blighted the crops. Philistia, For some centuries they infested and many of them are called In the turbulent Philistines to this day. times of the Crusades they withdrew thence . 77 and gradually overspread all Europe, occupying most of the high places in politics, art, literature, science and theology. Since a the Pilgrims in the detachment of Dullards came over with Mayflower and made a favorable report of the country, their in- and conversion has been rapid and steady. According to the most trustworthy statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is crease birth, immigration, by but little short of thirty millions, including the statisticians. The intellectual centre of somewhere about Peoria, Illinois, but the New England Dullard is the most the race is shockingly moral. Duty, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire. Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court, Was wroth at his master, who'd to kissed Lady Port. His anger provoked him But duty prevailed, take the king's head. and he took the king's bread, Instead. G. J. — 78 E Eat, v. i. To perform the successively (and sucof cessfully) functions mastication, humectation, and deglutition. "I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner," said Brillat-Savarin, beginning an anecdote. "What!" interrupted Rochedrawing-room?" I briant; "eating dinner in a "I must beg you to observe, monsieur," ex- plained the great gastronome, "that not say I did ing it. I was eating my dinner, but enjoyhad dined an hour before." Eavesdrop, v. i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and vices of another or yourself. A lady with one of her ears applied To The an open keyhole heard, subject engaging inside, Two female gossips in converse free them was she. "I think," said one, "and my husband thinks That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" As soon as no more of it she could hear The "To lady, indignant, removed her ear. "I will not stay," she said, with a pout, hear my character lied about!" Gopete Sherany. ; 79 Eccentricity, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity. Economy, Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford. n. Edible, adj. digest, as a Good to eat, to and wholesome to worm a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm. Editor, ial n. A person who combines the judicof is functions Minos, Rhadamanthus and iEacus, but placable with an obolus a severely virtuous censor, but so charit- able withal that he tolerates the virtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the splintering lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till he resembles a bunch of firecrackers petulantly uttering its mind at the tail of a dog; then melodious lay, soft as the cooing of a donkey intoning Master of its prayer to the evening star. mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled straightway a murmurs mild, upon the throne of thought, his face suf- ! 80 fused with the figuration, his dim splendors legs of the Trans- intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, the editor along the paper and cuts suit. it spills his will off in lengths to from behind the veil heard the voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six lines of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack up some at intervals is And of the temple pathos. O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought, is A Of gilded impostor he. shreds and patches his robes are wrought, And His crown is brass. Himself is an ass, his power is fiddle-dee-dee. Prankily, crankily prating of naught. Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought. Public opinion's camp-follower he. Thundering, blundering, plundering Affected, free. Ungracious, Suspected, Mendacious, Respected contemporaree /. H. Bumbleshook. Education, n. That which discloses to the 81 wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. Effect, The second of two phenomena which always occur together in the same b. order. generate the other—^which ible than it The first, called a Cause, is is said to sens- no more would be for one who has never seen a dog except in pursuit of a rabbit to declare the rabbit the cause of the dog. Egotist, person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. n. A Megaceph, chosen to serve the State In the halls of legislative debate, One day with all his credentials came To the Capitol's door and announced his name. The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist Of the face, at the eminent egotist. And said "Go away, for we settle here : All manner of questions, knotty and queer, And we cannot have, To be told how every when the speaker demands member stands, under the sky 'I'." A man who to all things Assents by eternally voting Ejection, n. An approved remedy for the It is disease of garrulity. in cases of also much used extreme poverty. 82 Elector, choice. n. One who enjoys the sacred priv- ilege of voting for the man of another man's Electricity, «. The power that causes all phenomena not known to be caused natural by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesque incidents in that great and good man's and its career. The memory of Dr. Franklin is justly held in great reverence, particularly in France, where a waxen effigy of life him was services recently on exhibition, bearing the follow- ing touching account of his to science: and "Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of illustrious electricity. This savant, after having made several voyages around the world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages, of ment was ever recovered." whom not a single frag- Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in the arts and industries. question of its economical application to some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved that it will propel a street car better than a gas jet and The give more light than a horse. ! 83 Elegy, n. composition in verse, in which, without employing any of the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind the dampest kind of dejection. The most famous English example begins somewhat like this: A The cur foretells the knell of parting day; The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea; The wise man homeward plods; I only stay To fiddle-faddle in a minor key. Eloquence, to be. n. The is art of orally persuading fools that white the color that it appears It includes the gift of making any color appear white. Elysium, n. An imaginary delightful country which the ancients foolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good. This ridiculous and mischievous fable was swept oflf the face of the earth by the early Christians may their souls be happy in Heaven — Emancipation, n. from the tyranny ism of himself. A bondman's change of another to the despot- 84j He was a His iron slave: at collar cut word he went and came; him to the bone. and inscribed his Then Liberty erased his owner's name, rivets Tightened the own. G. J. Embalm, v. t. To cheat vegetation by lockit ing up the gases upon which feeds. By dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be ornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, their embalming or enriching his table as a bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get him after awhile if we are spared, but in violet and rose are languishing for a nibble at his glutceus maximus. the meantime the Emotion, «. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes. — 85 Encomiast, n. A special (but not partic- ular) kind of liar. End, n. The position farthest removed on either hand from the Interlocutor, The man was perishing apace Who The played the tambourine: seal of death was on his face Twas "This is pallid, for 'twas clean. the end," the sick man said In faint and failing tones. A moment later he was dead, And Tambourine was Bones. Tinley Roquot. Enough, you like pro. it. All there is in the world if Enough is as good as a feast — for that matter platter. Enougher's as good as a feast and the Arbely C. Strunk. Entertainment, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by dejection. Enthusiasm, n. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connec- 86 outward applications of experiByron, who recovered long enough ence. to call it "entuzy-muzy," had a relapse which carried him off to Missolonghi. tion with — Envelope, the n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the husk of a remittance; bed-gown of a «. love-letter. Envy, Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity. Epaulet, ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a military officer from the enemy that is to say, from the officer of lower rank to whom his death would give n. An — promotion. Epicure, opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who, holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time in gratification of the senses. n. n. short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently characterized by acidity An Epigram, A or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. • Folepi- lowing are some of the more notable : 87 grams of the learned and ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom: We others. know better the needs of ourselves than of is To serve oneself economy of administration. In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a is nightingale. Diversity of character due to their unequal activity. There Beauty this: they are three sexes; males, females and girls. in women and distinction in men are alike in seem to the unthinking a kind of credibility. Women have in love are less ashamed than men. They less to be ashamed of. While your friend holds you affectionately by both safe, for your hands you are you can watch both his. Epitaph, «. An inscription on a tomb, show- ing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example Here lie the bones of Parson Piatt, Wise, pious, humble and all that. it; Who showed us life as all should live forgive it! Let that be said —and God — 88 Erudition, into an n. Dust shaken out of a book skull. empty So wide his erudition's mighty span, He knew Creation's origin and plan And only came by accident to griefs He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief. Pute. Romach Esoteric, adj. Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult. The ancient philoexoteric, those sophies were of two kinds, that the philosophers themselves could partly understand, and esoteric, those that nobody could understand. It is the latter that have most profoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance in our time. Ethnology, swindlers, n. various tribes of ethnologists. The science Man, as that treats of the robbers, thieves, idiots dunces, lunatics, and Eucharist, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as to what it was 89 that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. n. Eulogy, Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead. Evangelist, n. A bearer of good tidings, salvation particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own and the dam- nation of our neighbors. It is Everlasting, adj. Lasting forever. diffidence that I venture to with no small offer this brief and elementary definition, for I am not unaware of the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop of Partial Definition of Worcester, entitled, the Word "Everlasting," as Used in the A Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures. His book was once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and is still, I understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit to the soul. Exception, n. erty to differ A thing which takes the libfrom other things of its class, — 90 ; an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. "The exception proves the rule" is an exas pression constantly norant, who parrot it upon the lips of the igfrom one another with In the never a thought of its absurdity. Latin, "Exceptio probat regulam" means that the exception tests the rule, puts it to the proof, not confirms it. The malefactor who drew his the meaning from this excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of own exerted an evil power which ap- pears to be immortal. Excess, forces n. In morals, an indulgence that en- by appropriate penalties the law of moderation. Hail, high Excess — especially in wine. To thee in worship do I bend the knee Who preach abstemiousness unto me shrine. line, My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy Precept on precept, aye, and line on Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree With reason as thy touch, exact and free, Upon my forehead and along my spine. At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup. With the hot grape I warm no more my wit When on thy stool of penitence I sit I I'm quite converted, for Ungrateful he can't get up. who afterward would falter To make new sacrifices at thine altar! — 91 Excommunication, This "excommunication" In speech n. is a word ecclesiastical oft heard, And means Some the damning, with bell, book and candle, sinner whose opinions are a scandal A rite permitting Satan to enslave him Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him. Gat Huckle. Executive, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to enforce the wishes of the power until such time as the judepartment shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of no efifect. Following is an extract from an old book enPfeiflfer titled. The Lunarian Astonished legislative dicial — & Co., Boston, 1803: Lunarian: passed a law it Then when your Congress has goes directly to the Supreme Court in at once be order that it may known whether it it is con- stitutional ? Terrestrian: been enforced for operation President, once. O no; does not require the approval of the Supreme Court until having perhaps many years somebody objects to its against himself if — I mean his client. The it he approves it, begins to execute at Lunarian: Ah, the executive power is a part of 92 the legislative. Do : your policemen also have to ap- prove the local ordinances that they enforce? Terrestrian Not yet — at least not in their all character of constables. Generally speaking, though, laws require the approval of those intended to restrain. whom they are Lunarian: Terrestrian: I see. The friend, death warrant is not valid until signed by the murderer. My you put it too strongly; we are not so consistent. Lunarian: But this system of maintaining an expensive judicial machinery to pass upon the validity of laws only after they have long been executed, and then only when brought before the court by some private person —does it not cause great confusion? Terrestrian: It does. Lunarian: Why then should not your laws, previously to being executed, be validated, not by the signature of your President, but by that of the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court? Terrestrian: There is no precedent for any such course. Lunarian : Precedent. It What is that ? Terrestrian: one know? has been defined by five hun- dred lawyers in three volumes each. So how can any Exhort, In religious affairs, to put theconscience of another upon the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort. v. t. ! 93 Exile, n. One who serves his country by re- siding abroad, yet is not an ambassador. English sea-captain being asked if he had read "The Exile of Erin," replied: An but I should like to anchor on it." Years afterwards, when he had been hanged sir, "No, as a pirate after a career of atrocities, the unparalleled at following memorandum was he had kept found in the ship's log that the time of his reply: Aug. 3d, 1842. Coldly received. Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin. War with the whole world Existence, n. A transient, horrible, fantastic dream. is Wherein nothing yet all things do seem: From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: "O fudge!" Experience, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaint- ance the folly that braced. we have already em- To Is one who, journeying through night and fog, mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog, Experience, like the rising of the dawn, Reveals the path that he should not have gone. Joel Frad Bink, 94 Expostulation, n. One of the many methods by which fools prefer to lose their friends. Extinction, The raw material out of n. which theology created the future state. Fairy, n. A creature, variously fashioned and endowed, that formerly inhabited the forests. It was nocturnal in its habits, and somewhat addicted to dancing and the theft of children. The fairies are now believed by naturalists to be extinct, though a clergyman of the Church of England saw three near Colchester as lately as 1855, while passing through a park after dining with the lord of the manor. The sight greatly staggered him, and he was so affected that his account of it was incoherent. In the year 1807 a troop of fairies visited a wood near Aix and carried off the daughter of a peasant, who had been seen to enter it with a bundle of clothing. The son of a wealthy bourgeois disappeared about the same time, but afterward returned. He had seen the abduction and meadows and 95 been in pursuit of the fairies. Justinian Gaux, a writer of the fourteenth century, avers that so great is the fairies' power of transformation that he saw one change itself into two opposing armies and fight a battle with great slaughter, and that the next day, after it had resumed its original shape and gone away, there were seven hundred bodies of the slain which the villagers had to bury. He does not say if any of the wounded recovered. In the time of Henry IH, of England, a law was made which prescribed the death penalty for "Kyllynge, wowndit ynge, or mamynge" a fairy, and was universally respected. Faith, is n. told Belief without evidence in what by one who speaks without know- ledge, of things without parallel. Famous, Done adj. Conspicuously miserable. on the iron, behold to a turn Him who Content? to be famous aspired. Well, his grill has a plating of gold. And his twistings are greatly admired. Hassan Brubuddy. : 96 Fashion, n. A despot ule and obey. whom the wise ridic- A king there was who lost an eye In some excess of passion; And straight his courtiers all did try To follow the new fashion. Each dropped one eyelid when before The throne he ventured, thinking 'Twould please the king. That monarch swore He'd slay them all for winking. What should To hazard They dared they do? They were not hot such disaster; not close an eye —dared not See better than their master. Seeing them lacrymose and glum, A leech consoled the weepers He spread small rags with liquid gum And covered half their peepers. The court all wore the stuff, Of royal anger dying. That's how court-plaster got Unless I'm greatly lying. the flame its name Naramy Oof. Feast, tion n. A festival. A religious celebra- by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some usually signalized 97 holy person distinguished for abstemiousIn the Roman Catholic Church feasts are "movable" and "immovable," but the celebrants are uniformly immovable until they are full. In their earliest development these entertainments took the form of feasts for the dead such were held by the Greeks, under the name of Nemeseia, by the Aztecs and Peruvians, as in modern times they are popular with the Chinese though it is beness. ; ; lieved that the ancient dead, the like the the modern, were light eaters. Among many feasts of the Romans was Novemto Livy, diale, which was held, according whenever stones fell from heaven. Felon, n. A person of greater enterprise than who in embracing an opportunformed an unfortunate attachment. One of the opposing, or unfair, discretion, ity has Female, sex. m. The Maker, at Creation's birth, With living things had stocked the earth. From elephants to bats and snails. They all were good, for all were males. But when the Devil came and saw He said: "By Thine eternal law —— 98 Of growth, maturity, decay, leave untenanted the earth These aM must quickly pass away And Unless Thou dost establish birth" Then tucked his head beneath his wing To laugh —he had no sleeve — the thing With That he'd suggested to the Lord. The Master pondered this advice, Then shook and threw the fateful deviltry did so accord. dice Wherewith all matters here below Are ordered, and observed the throw; Then bent His head in awful state. Confirming the decree of Fate. From every part of The conscious dust earth anew consenting flew, While rivers from their courses rolled To make it plastic for the mould. Enough collected (but no more, For niggard Nature hoards her store) He And kneaded it to flexile clay, While Nick unseen threw some away. then the various forms first He all cast, Gross organs and finer last; No By one at once evolved, but even touches grew and small till, Degrees advanced, shade by shade. To match all living things He'd made parts Females, complete in all their Except (His clay gave out) the hearts. "No I'll matter," Satan cried ; "with speed fetch the verv hearts they need" 99 So flew away and soon brought back The number That needed, in a sack. night earth rang with sounds of strife-^ million males had each a wife; Ten That night sweet Peace her pinions spread O'er Hell — ten million devils dead! G. J. Fib, n. A lie that liar's has not cut its teeth. An habitual nearest approach to truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit. When David said: "All men are liars," Dave, Himself a liar, fibbed like any thief. disbelief Perhaps he thought to weaken By proof that even himself was not a slave To Truth; though been of all I suspect the aged knave Had Had Is her servitors the chief fig's he but known a reluctant leaf more than e'er she wore on land or wave. No, David served not Naked 'Iruth when he Struck that sledge-hammer blow at all his race; Nor did he hit the nail upon the head: For reason shows that it could never be, And the facts contradict him to his face. Men are not liars all, for some are dead. Bartle Quinker. Fickleness, n. The iterated satiety of aa en- terprising affection. — 100 Fiddle, ears n. An instrument to tickle human by friction of a horse's tail on the en- trails of a cat. To Rome said Nero: replied: "If to smoke you turn I shall not cease to fiddle while you burn." To Nero Rome 'Tis my excuse "Pray do your worst, that you were fiddling first." Orm Fidelity, n. Pludge, A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. Finance, «. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advant- age of the manager. this word with first the is i the syllable The pronunciation of long and the accent on one of America's most precious discoveries and possessions. Flag, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one sees on vacant lots in London "Rubbish may be shot here." Flesh, «. The Second Person of the secular Trinity. 101 Flop, change one's opinions and go over to another party. The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our partisan journals. v. Suddenly to Fly-Speck, It is n. The prototype of punctuation. of punctuation in use habits observed by Garvinus that the systems by the various literary nations depended originally upon the social and general diet of the flies infesting These creatures, which have always been distinguished for a neighborly and companionable familiarity with the several countries. authors, liberally or niggardly embellish the manuscripts in process of growth under the pen, according to their bodily habit, bring- ing out the sense of the ent of, work by to, a species of interpretation superior and independ- the writer's masters" of literature early writers —that powers. is The "old to say, the whose work is so esteemed by later scribes and critics in the same language never punctuated at all, but worked — right along free-handed, without that ab- ruption of the thought which comes from (We observe the same the use of points. thing in children to-day, whose usage in this — 102 particular is a striking and beautiful in- stance of the law that the infancy of indiv- methods and stages development characterizing the infancy of In the work of these primitive of races.) scribes all the punctuation is found, by the modern investigator with his optical instruments and chemical tests, to have been inserted by the writers' ingenious and serviceiduals reproduces the able collaborator, the common house-fly these Musca ancient maledicta. In transcribing MSS, work for the purpose of either maktheir ing the own or preserving what they naturally regard as divine revelations, and accurately copy whatever marks they find upon the papyrus later writers reverently or parchment, to the unspeakable enhance- ment of the lucidity of the thought and value of the work. Writers contemporary with the copyists naturally avail themselves of the obvious advantages of these marks in their own work, and with such assistance as the flies of their own household may be willing to grant, frequently rival and sometimes surpass the older compositions, in spect at least of punctuation, re- which is no small glory. Fully to understand the im- portant services that flies perform to literal- 103 ure it is only necessary to lay a page of novelist alongside a saucer some popular observe of cream-and-molasses in a sunny room and the style "how the wit brightens and refines" in accurate proportion to the dura- tion of exposure. Folly, n. That "gift and faculty divine" whose spires creative and controlling energy inMan's mind, guides his actions and life. adorns his Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once authors known, power have shown, Deign to take homage from thy son who hunts Through all thy maze his brothers, fool and dunce, To mend their lives and to sustain his own, In a thick volume, and all If not thy glory yet thy However feebly be his arrows thrown, Howe'er each hide the flying weapons blunts. it All-Father Folly! be With With lusty lung, here mine on to raise. this western strand all thine oflFspring thronged from every land, praise. Thyself inspiring me, the song of And if too weak, I'll hire, to help me bawl, all. Dick Watson Gilder, gravest of us Aratnis Loto Frope. Fool, «. A person who pervades the domain of intellectual speculation and dififuses him- — 104 self — He through the channels of moral activity. is omnific, omniform, omnipercipient, omniscient, omnipotent. He it was who in- vented letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, the telegraph, the platitude and He created pathe circle of the sciences. triotism and taught the nations war mon- founded theology, philosophy, law, medicine and Chicago. He established archical and republican government. He is from everlasting to everlasting such as creation's dawn beheld he fooleth now. In the morning of time he sang upon primitive hills, and in the noonday of existence headed the procession of being. His grandmotherly hand has warmly tucked-in the set sun of civilization, and in the twilight he prepares Man's evening meal of milkand-morality and turns down the covers of — the universal grave. us shall And after the rest of have retired for the night of eternal oblivion he will sit up to write a history of human Force, n. civilization. "Force is but might," the teacher said definition's just." "That The boy said naught but thought instead, 105 Remembering "Force is his pounded head: not might but must!" Forefinger, «. The finger commonly used in pointing out two malefactors. FOREORDINATION, n. This looks like an easy word but when I consider that pious and learned theologians have spent long lives in explaining it, and written lito define, ; braries to explain their explanations I when remember that nations have been divided and bloody battles caused by the difference between foreordination and predestination, and that millions of treasure have been expended in the effort to prove and disprove its compatibility with freedom of the will and the eflicacy of prayer, praise, and a rerecalling these awful facts in ligious life, the history of the word, I stand appalled before the mighty problem of its significa- — tion, abase my spiritual eyes, fearing to con- template its portentous magnitude, rever- and humbly refer it to His Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His Grace ently uncover Bishop Potter. FORGETFULNESS, «. A gift of God bestowed 106 upon debtors in compensation for their des- titution of conscience. Fork, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth. Formerly the knife was employed for this purpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many advantages over the other tool, which, however, they do not altogether reject, but use to asThe immunity sist in charging the knife. of these persons from swift and awful death is one of the most striking proofs of God's mercy to those that hate Him. Forma Pauperis litigant (Latin). of a poor person — In the character a is a method by which without money for lawyers con- siderately permitted to lose his case. When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court (For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented) Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report, He "You So all stood and pleaded unhabilimented. sue in forma pauperis, I see," Eve cried; "Actions can't here be that way prosecuted." poor Adam's motions coldly were denied: He went away — as he had come — nonsuited. G.J. 107 Frankalmoigne, tion of n. The religious corporation holds lands tenure by which a on condi- praying for the soul of the donor. In mediaeval times many of the wealthiest fraternities obtained their estates in this simple and cheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of England sent an officer to confiscate certain vast possessions which a monks held by frankalmoigne, "What!' said the Prior, "would your master fraternity of our benefactor's soul in Purgatory?" "Ay," said the officer, coldly, "an ye will not pray him thence for naught he must e'en stay "But look you, my son," persisted good man, "this act hath rank as robbery of God!" "Nay, nay, good father, my master the king doth but deliver Him from roast." the the manifold temptations of too great wealth." Freebooter, of n. A conqueror in a small way business, whose annexations lack the sanctifying merit of magnitude. Freedom, n. Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half dozen of restraint's infinite multitude of methods. political condition that every nation sup- A 108 poses itself to enjoy in virtual monopoly. Liberty. The distinction between freedom ; and liberty is not accurately known naturhave never been able to find a living specimen of either. alists Freedom, as every schoolboy knows, Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell; On every w^ind, indeed, that blows I hear her yell. She screams whenever monarchs meet. And parliaments as well, To bind the chains about her feet And toll her knell. And when the sovereign people The votes they cannot spell, Upon the pestilential blast cast Her clamors For all swell. to whom the power's given To sway or to compel, Among themselves apportion Heaven Blary O'Gary. And give her Hell. Freemasons, grotesque n. An order with secret rites, ceremonies and fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, among working artisans of Lon- 109 don, has been joined successively by the dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of Chaos and the Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, and Zoroaster, Confucius, Thothmes, Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the Egyptian Pyramids always by a Free- — mason. Friendless, adj. of truth and Having no favors to bestow. to utterance Destitute of fortune. Addicted sense. common Friendship, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul. The sea was calm and the sky was blue; Merrily, merrily sailed we two. glad.) (High barometer maketh On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout, a 110 The tempest descended and we fell (O the walking is nasty bad!) out. Armit Huff Settle. Frog, A reptile with edible legs. The mention of frogs in profane literature is in Homer's narrative of the war between them and the mice. Skeptical persons have doubted Homer's authorship of the work, but the learned, ingenious and industrious Dr. Schliemann has set the question forever at rest by uncovering the bones of the slain frogs. One of the forms of moral suasion by which Pharaoh was besought to favor the Israelities was a plague of frogs, but Pharaoh, who liked them fricasees, remarked, with truly oriental stoicism, that he could stand it as long as the frogs and the Jews could; so the programme was «. first changed. The frog is a diligent songster, ear. having a good voice but no Aristophanes, is The by libretto of his favorite opera, as written simple and effective is apparently by that eminent composer, Richard Wagner. Horses have a frog in each hoof — "brekekex-koax" thoughtful brief, ; the music — provision of nature, race. enabling them to shine in a hurdle Ill Frying-Pan, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented by Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died without baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva. Thence it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of invaluable assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith. The following lines (said be from the pen of his Grace Bishop Potter) seem to imply that the usefulness of this utensil is not limited to this world; to but as the consequences of its employment in this life reach over into the life to come, so also itself may be found on the other side, rewarding its devotees: Old Nick was summoned Said Peter: to the skies. "Your intentions Are good, but you Concerning new lack enterprise inventions. — 112 "Now, broiling is an ancient plan it Of torment, but I hear Reported that the frying-pan Sears best the wicked spirit. fill it up with fat brown and good in't.'' "I know a trick worth two o' that," "Go get one — Fry sinners Said Nick— "I'll «. cook their food in't." Funeral, pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. The savage dies A To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse. friends expire fly Our —they a horse —we make the money sacrifice it In hope their souls will chase to the sky. Jex Wopley. Future, afifairs n. That period of time is in which our and prosper, our friends are true assured. our happiness G Gallows, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor — 113 is translated to heaven. is gallows chiefly In this country the remarkable for the numescape it. ber of persons who Whether on the gallows high Or where The Is blood flows the reddest, noblest place for man to die where he died the deadest. Old Play. Gargoyle, n. A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of mediaeval buildings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some personal enemy of the architect or owner of the building. This was especially the case in churches and ecclesiastical structures generally, in which the gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' gallery of local heretics and controversialists. Sometimes when a new dean and chapter were installed were removed and others substituted having a closer relation to the the old gargoyles • private animosities of the new incumbents. Garter, band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. «. An elastic Generous, adj. Originally this word meant 114 noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest. Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own. Genteel, a gent. adj. Refined, after the fashion of Observe with care, is my son, the distinction I reveal: A gentleman gentle and a gent genteel. presents, Heed not the definitions your "Unabridged" For dictionary makers are generally gents. G.J. Geographer, chap who can tell you offhand the difference between the outside of the world and the inside. n. A Habeam, geographer of wide renown, Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town. In passing thence along the river Zam To Got the adjacent village pf Xelam, Bewildered by the multitude of roads, lost, lived long on migratory toads. Then from exposure miserably died, And grateful travelers bewailed their guide. Henry Haukhorrt, — 115 Geology, — of n. The science of the earth's crust to its which, doubtless, will be added that interior whenever a up garrulous out of a well. man shall come The geological formations of the globe already noted are catalogued thus: The Primary, or lower one, consists of rocks, bones of gas-pipes, mired mules, statues miners' tools, antique minus the cestors. nose, Spanish doubloons and an- of red The Secondary is largely made up worms and moles. The Tertiary comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy boots, beer bottles, to- mato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage, an- archists, snap-dogs and fools. visible sign of Ghost, n. The outward and an inward fear. He saw It a ghost. occupied — that dismal thing! The path that he was following. fly, Before he'd time to stop and An He earthquake trifled with the eye That saw a fell as fall ghost. the early good; Unmoved The stars that awful vision stood. that danced before his ken He wildly brushed away, and then He saw a post. Jared Macphesier. 116 Accounting for the uncommon behavior of ghosts, Heine mentions somebody's ingenious theory to the effect that they are as much afraid of us as we of them. Not quite, may judge from such tables of comparative speed as I am able to compile from memories of my own experience. if I one insuperable obstacle to a ghost never comes naked he appears either in a winding-sheet or "in his habit as he lived." To believe in him, then, is to believe that not only have the dead the power to make themselves visible after there is nothing left of them, but is There : belief in ghosts. A same power inheres in textile Supposing the products of the loom to have this ability, what object would they have in exercising it? And why docs that the fabrics. not the apparition of a suit of clothes sometimes walk abroad without a ghost in it? These be riddles of significance. They reach away down and get a convulsive grasp on the very tap-root of this flourishing faith. Ghoul, n. A demon addicted to the repre- hensible habit of devouring the dead. existence of ghouls has been disputed class of controversialists The by that who are more con- 117 deprive the world of comforting it anything good in their place. In 1640 Father Secchi saw one in a cemetery near Florence and frightened it to cemed beliefs than to give away with scribes it the sign of the cross. He de- with many heads and an uncommon allowance of limbs, and he saw it in more than one place at a time. The good man was coming away from dinner at the time and explains that if he had not been "heavy with eating" he would have seized the demon at all hazards. Atholston relates that a ghoul was caught by some sturdy peasants in a churchyard at Sudbury and ducked in a horsepond. (He appears as gifted to think that so distinguished a criminal should have been ducked in a tank of rosewater.) The water turned at once to blood "and so contynues unto ys daye." The pond has since been bled with a ditch. As late as the beginning of the fourteenth century a ghoul was cornered in the crypt of the cathedral at Amiens and the whole population surrounded the place. Twenty armed men with a priest at their head, bearing a crucifix, entered and captured the ghoul, which, thinking to escape by the stratagem, had transformed itself to the semblance of 118 but was nevertheless hanged, drawn and quartered in the midst of hideous popular orgies. The citizen a well citizen, known whose shape the demon had assumed was so affected by the sinister occurrence that he never again showed himself in Amiens and his fate remains a mystery. Glutton, «. A person who escapes the evils of moderation by committing dyspepsia. Gnome, n. In North-European mythology, a dwarfish imp inhabiting the interior parts of in in of the earth and having special custody Bjorsen, mineral treasures. 1765, says who died gnomes were common enough Sweden in his boyhood, and he frequently saw them scampering on the hills in the evening twilight. the southern parts of Ludwig Binkerhoof saw 1792, in the three as recently as Black Forest, and Sneddeker avers that in 1803 they drove a party of miners out of a Silesian mine. Basing our computations upon data supplied by these statements, we find that the gnomes were probably extinct as early as 1764. Gnostics, n. A sect of philosophers who 119 between the early Christians and the Platonists. The former would not go into the caucus and the comtried to engineer a fusion bination failed, greatly to the chagrin of the fusion managers. Gnu, in n. An animal of South Africa, which domesticated state resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition it is something like a thunderbolt, an earthits quake and a cyclone. A hlinter Of a And he In its from Kew caught a distant view peacefully meditative gnu, said: "I'll pursue, and my hands imbrue blood at a closer interview." it But that beast did ensue and the hunter threw O'er the top of a palm that adjacent grew; And he said as he flew: "It is well I withdrew Ere, losing my temper, I wickedly slew That really meritorious gnu." Jam Good, ad]. Leffer. Sensible, madam, Alive, to the sir, worth of this present writer. to the ad- vantages of letting him alone. Goose, «. writing. bird that supplies quills for These, by some occult process of A 120 nature, are penetrated and suffused with various degrees of the bird's intellectual energies and emotional character, so that when inked and drawn mechanically across paper by a person called an "author," there results a very fair and accurate transcript of the fowl's thought and feeling. The difference in geese, as discovered by this in- genious method, is considerable: trivial many are and insignificant powers, but some are seen to be very great to found have only geese indeed. Gorgon, n. The Gorgon was a maiden bold Who turned to stone the Greeks of old That looked upon her awful brow. We And dig them out of ruins now, swear that workmanship so bad all the ancient sculptors Proves mad. Gout, n. A physician's name for the rheumat- ism of a rich patient. Graces, beautiful goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia and Euphrosyne, who attended upon Venus, serving without salary. n. Three : — 121 They were at no expense for board and to the weather, clothing, for they ate nothing to speak of and dressed according ing wearbe whatever breeze happened to blowing. Grammar, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfeet of the self-made fully prepared for the man, along the path by which he advances to distinction. Grape, n. Hail noble fruit ! — ^by Homer sung, Anacreon and Khayyam; Thy praise is ever on the tongue Of better men than I am. The lyre my hand has never The song I cannot offer swept, My humbler I'll service pray accept kill help to the scoffer. The water-drinkers and the cranks load their skins with liquor- Who And ril gladly bare their belly-tanks tap them with my sticker. — — — ! ; — 122 Fill up, fill up, for wisdom cools rest. When And e'er we let the wine Here's death to Prohibition's every kind of vine-pest fools. Jamrach Holobom. GrAPESHOT, ture of is n. An preparing in answer argument which the futo the demands American Socialism. n. Grave, to A place in which the dead are laid await the coming of the medical student Beside a lonely grave I stood With brambles 'twas encumbered The winds were moaning in the wood, Unheard by him who slumbered. A rustic standing near, I said: "He cannot hear said it blowing!" he: "'Course not," "the feller's dead He "Too can't hear nowt that's going." true," I said; "alas, too true No The sound his sense is can quicken!" that to "Well, mister, wot you? deadster ain't a-kickin'." T knelt and prayed: "O Father, smile On And him, and mercy show him!" That countryman looked on the while, said: "Ye didn't know him." Pobeter Dunk. — 123 Gravitation, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another Avith a strength proportioned to the quantity of matter they contain tain —the quantity of matter they con- their being ascertained by the strength of tendency to approach one another. is This and edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, makes B the proof of A, a lovely adj. said Great, "I'm great," the Lion —"I reign The monarch The of the wood and plain!" Elephant replied: "I'm great No quadruped can match my weight!" no animal has half So long a neck!" said the Giraffe. "I'm great — "I'm great," the Kangaroo said — "see My My An To femoral muscularity!" said: The 'Possum tail is lithe "I'm great ^behold, and bald and cold!" — Oyster fried was understood say: "I'm great because I'm good!" consist Each reckons greatness to In that in which he heads the list, 124 And Vierick thinks he tops his class is Because he the greatest ass. Arion Spurl Doke. Guillotine, reason. machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good n. A In his great work on Divergent Lines of Racial Evolution, the learned Professor Brayfugle argues from the prevalence of this gesture the shrug among Frenchmen, that they are descended from turtles and it is simply a survival of the habit of — — head inside the shell. It is with reluctance that I differ with so eminent an authority, but in my judgment (as more elaborately set forth and enforced in my work entitled Hereditary Emotions lib. II, c. XI) the shrug is a poor foundation upon which to build so important a theory, retracting the — for previously to the Revolution the gesture was unknown. I have not a doubt that it is directly referable to the terror inspired by the guillotine during the period of that in- strument's activity. Gunpowder, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of dis- 125 putes which might become troublesome left if unadjusted. By most writers the inven- tion of ese, gunpowder is ascribed to the Chinbut not upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it was invented by the devil and this opinion seems some support from the scarcity of angels. Moreover, it has the hearty concurrence of the Hon, James Wilson, Secretto dispel angels with, to derive ary of Agriculture. Secretary Wilson became interested in gunpowder through an event that occurred on the Government experimental farm in the District of Columbia. of the Secretary's One day, sev- eral years ago, a rogue imperfectly reverent profound attainments and him with a sack of gunpowder, representing it as the seed of the Flashawful flabhergastor, a Patagonian cereal of great commercial value, admirably adapted to this climate. The good Secretary was instructed to spill it along in a furrow and afterward inhume This he at once proceeded to it with soil. do, and had made a continuous line of it personal character presented way across a ten-acre field, when he was made to look backward by a shout from the generous donor, who at once all the 126 dropped a lighted match into the furrow at Contact with the earth had somewhat dampened the powder, but the startled functionary saw himself pursued by a tall moving pillar of fire and the starting-point. smoke in fierce evolution. He stood for a moment paralyzed and recollected an all, speechless, then he engagement and, dropping absented himself thence with such sur- prising celerity that to the eyes of spectators along the route selected he appeared like a long, dim streak prolonging itself with inconceivable rapidity through seven villages, and audibly refusing to be comforted. "Great Scott! what is that?" cried a sur- veyor's chainman, shading his eyes and gaz- ing at the fading line of agriculturist which bisected his visible horizon. "That," said the surveyor, carelessly glancing at the phe- nomenon and again centering his attention upon his instrument, "is the Meridian of Washington." H Habeas Corpus. be taken out of A writ by which a man may jail when confined for the wrong crime. 127 Habit, «. A shackle for the free. Hades, dead «. The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; the place live. where the Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not synonymous with our Hell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there in a very comfortable kind of way. selves Indeed, the Elysian were a part of Fields themHades, though they have since been removed to Paris. When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in process of evolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work insisted by a majority vote on translating the Greek word "AtSirjq" as "Hell"; but a conscientious minority member secretly possessed himself of the record and struck out the objectionable word wherever he could find it. At the next meeting, the Bishop of Salisbury, looking over the work, suddenly sprang to his feet and said with considerable excitement: "Gentlemen, somebody has been razing 'Hell' here!" Years afterward the good prelate's death was made sweet by the reflection that he had been the means (under Providence) of making an important, 128 serviceable and immortal addition to the phraseology of the English tongue. Hag, n. happen An elderly lady whom you do not also, to like; sometimes called, a hen, or cat. Old witches, sorceresses, etc., were called hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a kind of baleful lumination or ular nimbus^hag being the pop- name of that peculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair. At one time hag was not a word of reproach: Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag, all smiles," much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench." It would not now be proper to call your sweetheart a hag that compliment is reserved for the use of her grand- — children. Half, n. a thing divided. One of two equal may be divided, In the parts into which as or considered fourteenth century a heated discussion arose among theologists and philosophers as to whether Omniscience could part an object into three halves; and the pious Father Aldrovinus publicly that prayed in the cathedral at Rouen God would demonstrate the affirmative of the 129 proposition in some signal and unmistakable way, and particularly (if it should please body of that hardy blasphemer, Manutius Procinus, who mainthe Him) upon the tained negative. Procinus, however, was spared to die of the bite of a viper. Halo, n. Properly, a luminous ring en- circling an astronomical body, but not in- frequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus," a somewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities and saints. The halo is a purely optical illusion, pro- duced by moisture in the air, in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferred as a sign of superior sanctity, in the same or the Pope's tiara. In the painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, a pious artist of Pesth, not only do the Virgin and the Child wear the nimbus, but an ass nibbling hay from the sacred manger as a bishop's mitre, is way similarly decorated and, to his lasting honor be it said, appears to bear his unaccustomed dignity with a truly saintly grace. Hand, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. — 130 Handkerchief, n. A small square of silk or linen, used in various ignoble offices about the face and .especially serviceable at funerals to conceal the lack of tears. The handkerchief cestors is of recent invention knew nothing of it our anand intrusted its ; duties to the sleeve. Shakespeare's intro- ducing it into the play of "Othello" is an anachronism: Desdemona dried her nose with her skirt, as Dr. Mary Walker and other reformers have done with their coattails in our own day an evidence that revolutions sometimes go backward. — Hangman, law charged with duties of the highest dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States his functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, where executions by electricity have recently been ordered n. An officer of the the first instance known to this lexic- ographer of anybody questioning the expediency of hanging Jerseymen. Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. 131 Harangue, n. A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harangue-outang. Harbor, «. A place where ships taking shelter from storms are exposed to the fury of the customs. Harmonists, extinct, «. A sect of Protestants, now who came from Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions. Hash, — There is no definition for nobody knows what hash is. x. this word Hatchet, ians as a n. A young axe, known among Ind- Thomashawk. bury the hatchet, irascible Red, For peace is a blessing," the White Man said. The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, With imposing rites, in the White Man's head. "O John Lukkus, Hatred, «. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. 132 Head-Money, tax. n. A capitation tax, or poll- In ancient times there lived a king Whose tax-collectors could not wring From all his subjects gold enough To make the royal way less rough. For pleasure's highway, like the dames Whose premises adjoin it, claims Perpetual repairing. So The tax-collectors in a row Appeared before the throne to pray Their master to devise some way To swell the revenue. "So great," collect Said they, "are the demands of state A tithe of all that we Will scarcely meet them. Pray reflect: How, if one-tenth we must resign, Can we exist on t'other nine?" The monarch asked them in reply: "Has it occurred to you to try The advantage of economy?" the "It has," spokesman said: "we sold All of our gay garrotes of gold; With plated-ware we now compress The necks of those whom we assess. Plain iron forceps we employ To mitigate the miser's joy hoards, with greed that never tires, Who That which your Majesty requires." Deep lines of thought were seen to plow Their way across the royal brow. 133 "Your state is desperate, no question; Pray favor me with a suggestion." the spokesman said, "O King of Men," "If you'll impose upon each head A tax, the augmented revenue We'll cheerfully divide with you." As flashes of the sun illume "I decree The The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom, king smiled grimly. it That be so —and, not to be In generosity outdone, Declare you, each and every one. Exempted from the operation this new law of capitation. But lest the people censure me Because they're bound and you are free, 'Twere well some clever scheme were laid By you this poll-tax to evade. I'll leave you now while you confer Of With my most trusted minister." The monarch from the throne-room walked And straightway in among them stalked A silent man, with brow concealed. Bare-armed — his gleaming axe revealed! G.J. Hearse, «. Death's baby-carriage. Heart, «. An automatic, muscular bloodpump. Figuratively, this useful organ is said to be the seat of emotions and senti- ; ments ever, —a is very pretty fancy which, hownothing but a survival of a once uniIt is versal belief. now known that the sentiments and emotions reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical fluid. action of the gastric The exact feel- process by ing —tender or which a beefsteak becomes a not, according to the age of it the animal a caviar from which cessive stages of elaboration was cut; the sucthrough which sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a pungent epigram the marvelous functional methods of converting a hard-boiled egg into religious contrition, ibility —these or a cream-pufif into a sigh of sensthings have been patiently by him expounded with convincing lucidity. (See, also, my monograph. The Essential Identity of the Spiritual Affections and Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion 4to, 687 ascertained by Pasteur, and M. — pp.) Delectatio In a scientific work entitled, (John this I believe, Demonorum Camden Hotton, London, 1873) view of the sentiments receives a striking illustration; and for further light consult Professor Dam's famous treatise on Love as a Product of Alimentary Maceration. — 135 Heat, n. Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode know now how he's proving His point; but this I know hot words bestowed With skill will set the human fist a-moving, Of motion, but I — And where it stops the stars Crede expertum — burn free and wild. I have seen them, child. Gorton Swope. Heathen, see n. A benighted According creature who has the folly to worship something that he can and feel. to Professor HowHe- ison, of the California State University, brews are heathens. "The Hebrews are heathens!" says Howison. He's - A A Of Christian philosopher. I'm you please. scurril agnostical chap, if Addicted too much to the crime religious discussion in rhj^ne. Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree On And a modus vivendi —not they! Yet Heaven has had the designing of me, I haven't been reared in a way To For joy in the thick of the fray. this of my creed it is the soul and the gist, And the truth of I aver: Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist, — 136 — — An 'ite, an 'ic, or an 'er And I'm down upon him or her! Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin Toleration — is that's all very well, But a roast he's "nuts" to his nostril thin, And running — I know by the smell A secret and personal Hell! Bissell Gip. Heaven, A place where the wicked cease n. from troubling you with talk of their personal afifairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own. n. A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an altogether superior Hebrew, . creation. " ^ Helpmate, "Now, why n. A wife, or bitter half. Pat?" is yer wife called a helpmate, Says the priest. "Since the time o' yer wooin' She's niver assisted in what ye were at For it's naught ye are ever doin'." replies. "That's true of yer Riverence," Patrick And no sign of contrition evinces; it's "But, bedad, a to For she helps fact which the word mate the expinses!" implies, Marley Wottel. 137 Hemp, «. is made plant from whose fibrous bark an article of neckwear which is fre- A quently put on after public speaking in the open air and prevents the wearer from taking cold. Hermit, n. A person whose vices His. and follies are not sociable. Hers, pron. Hibernate, v. i. To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. There have been many singular popular notions about the hiberna- tion of various animals. Many believe that the bear hibernates during the whole winter and subsists paws. It is by mechanically sucking admitted that it comes out of it it its its retirement in the spring so lean that to try twice before has can cast a shadow. Three or four centuries ago, in England, no fact was better attested than that swallows passed the winter months in the mud at the bottoms of the brooks, clinging together in globular masses. They have apparently been compelled to give up the custom on account of the foulness of the brooks. Sotus Escobius discovered in Central Asia a whole 138 nation of people to who hibernate. By some Lent is supposed modified form of hibernation, to which the Church gave a religious significance; but this view was strenuously opposed by that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, who did not wish any honors denied to the memory of the Founder investigators, the fasting of have been originally a of his family. HlPPOGRlFF^ n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogrifif was actually, therefore, only one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and is fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology n. full of surprises. Historian, History, n. A An broad-gauge gossip. account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools. Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown 'Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish 'twere as a guide. known, Ere we accept great Niebuhr Wherein he blundered and how much he lied. Salder Bupp. 139 Hog, of n. its A bird remarkable for the catholicity appetite and serving to illustrate that the Mahometans and Jews, not in favor as an article of diet, respected for the delicacy of its habits, is of ours. Among the hog is but of the beauty of its its plumage and the melody voice. is It is chiefly as a songster that esteemed; a cage of him in full chorus has been known to draw tears from the fowl two persons at once. is The scientific name of this dicky-bird Porcus Rockefelleri. the hog, Mr. Rockefeller did not discover but it is considered his by right of resem- blance. HOMCEOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession. HOMCEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midScidis- way between Allopathy and Christian ence. To the last both the others are tinctly inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they can not. Homicide, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable and praiseworthy, but it makes no great dif- 140 ference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another the classification is — for advantage of the lawyers. HOMiLETics, «. The science of adapting ser- mons So to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation. skilled the parson all his was in homiletics That moral purges and emetics spirit To medicine the were compounded With a most just discrimination founded Upon a rigorous examination Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration. Then, having diagnosed each one's condition, His scriptural specifics this physician Administered — his pills so efficacious And That pukes of disposition so vivacious souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam Were But convalescent ere they Slander's tongue bilious — knew they had 'em. itself all coated — uttered mind and scandalously muttered That in the case of patients having money The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey. Biography of Bishop Potter, Her Honorable, adj. Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." — 141 Hope, one. «,. Desire and expectation rolled into Delicious Hope! when naught to man is left Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft; When With While even his dog deserts him, and his goat tranquil disaffection chews his coat yet it hangs upon his back; then thou, The on thine angel brow, Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint star far-flaming The promise of a clerkship in the Mint. Fogarty Weffing, Hospitality, to feed not in n. The virtue which induces us and lodge certain persons who are need of food and lodging. Hostility, n. peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the earth's overpopulation. Hostility is classed as active and passive; as (respectively) the feeling of a A woman sex. for her female friends, and that entertains for all the rest of her which she HOURI, «. A comely female inhabiting the Paradise to Mohammedan lief in make things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose beher existence marks a noble discon- 142 with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a soul. By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in deficient esteem. tent House, hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and n. A microbe. House of Correction, a place of reward for political and personal service, and for the detention of offenders and ap- God, a building with a steeple and a mortgage on it. Housedog, a pestilent beast kept on domestic premises to insult persons passing by and appal House-maid, a youngthe hardy visitor. erly person of the opposing sex employed to be variously disagreeable and ingeniously unclean in the station in which It has propriations. House of pleased God to place her. Houseless, adj. Having paid all taxes on household goods. Hovel, n. The fruit of a flowet called the Palace. Twaddle had a hovel, Twiddle had a palace; — 143 Twaddle said: "I'll grovel Or he'll think I bear him malice"^ A sentiment as novel As a castor on a chalice. Down upon the middle Of his legs fell Twaddle And astonished Mr. Twiddle, Who began to lift his noddle, Feed upon the fiddleFaddle flummery, unswaddlti A new-born self-sufEciency and thin'kliimsdf amOdel. G.J. Humanity, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the anthropoid poets. Humorist, n. plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick. A Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind See jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined Whose His simple appetite, untaught to stray, brains, renewed by night, consumes by day. an equal his sty, He thinks, admitted to A graceful hog would bear company. Alexander Poke, Hurricane, n. An atmospheric demonstra- 144 tion once very common but now generally- abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain oldfashioned sea-captains. the construction of It is also used in the upper it. decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's usefulness has outlasted Hurry, n. The dispatch of bunglers. Husband, «. One who, having dined, charged with the care of the plate. is Hybrid, n. A pooled issue. A kind of Hydra, animal that the ancients under many heads. catalogued n. n. Hyena, A beast held in from its reverence by some habit of frequent- oriental nations ing at night the burial-places of the dead. But the medical student does Hypochondriasis, n. that. Depression of lot one's own spirits. of trash Some heaps upon a vacant Where long the village rubbish had been shot — 145 Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps "Hypochondriasis." It meant The Dumps. Bogul S. Purvy, Hypocrite, n. One who, professing virtues that he does not respect, secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises. ' I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first first word of the language, the first thought of the mind, the object of affection. In grammar pronoun of the first person and singular number. Its plural is said to it is a be We, but how there can be more than one myself is doubtless clearer to the grammarauthor of this incomConception of two myselves is difficult, but fine. The frank yet graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writer from a bad; the latter carries it with it is ians than to the parable dictionary. the loot. manner of a thief trying to cloak his Ichor, «. A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of blood. — 146 Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, Restrained the raging chief and said: "Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!" Mary Doke. breaker of idols, the worIconoclast, n. shipers whereof are imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest that he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he puUeth down but pileth not up. For the poor things would have other idols in place of those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But the "Ye shall have none at all, iconoclast saith for ye need them not; and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress the head of him and sit thereon till he squawk it." : A Idiot, «. tribe A member of a large and powerful whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision He sets the fashions of is unappealable. opinion and taste, — 147 dictates the limitations of speech and cir- cumscribes conduct with a dead-line. Idleness, n. model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices. A Ignoramus, self, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourand having certain other kinds that you about. know nothing Dumble was an ignoramus, Mumble was for learning famous. Mumble said one day to Dumble: "Ignorance should be more humble. Not a spark have you of knowledge That was got in any college." Dumble said to Mumble: "Truly You're self-satisfied unduly. Of things in college I'm denied A knowledge —you of all beside." Borelli. IlluMINATI, n. A sect of Spanish heretics of light weights the latter part of the sixteenth century; so called because they were cunctationds illuminati. — 148 Illustrious, adj. shafts of malice, Suitably placed for the envy and detraction. Imagination, n. poet and liar in Imbecility, or sacred n. A warehouse of facts, with joint ownership. A kind of divine inspiration, censorious critics of fire affecting this dictionary. Immigrant, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another. Immodest, one's adj. Having a strong sense of own merit, coupled with a feeble con- ception of worth in others. There was once a man in Ispahan Ever and ever so long ago, And For he had a head, the phrenologists said, fitted That him for a show. his modesty's bump was so large a lump (Nature, they said, had taken a freak) That its Of his hair, like a summit stood far above the wood mountain peak. So modest a man in all Ispahan, Over and over again they swore So humble and meek, you would vainly None ever was found before. seek; 149 Meantime the hump of that awful bump , Into the heavens contrived tc get To so great a height that they called the wight The man with a minaret. Ispahan There wasn't a man in all Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump; With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung He bragged of that beautiful bump Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page Bearing a sack and a bow-string too, And that gentle child "A little present for The saddest explained as he smiled: you." man in all Ispahan, Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same. "If I'd lived," said he, "my humility Had given me deathless fame!" Sukker Uffra. Immoral, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If man's notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of expediency; if they originated, or could have have originated, in any other way; if actions in themselves a moral character apart 150 from, and nowise dependent on, their consequences philosophy reason a disorder of the mind. all —then n. is a lie and Immortality, A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if Would allowed be right proud Eternally to die for. G.J. Impale, v. t. In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains fixed in the wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to impale is, properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the body, the victim being left in a sitting posture. common mode of punishment among many of the nations of anThis was a and tiquity, is still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Pown to the be- ginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in "churching" heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the "stoole of repentynge," and among the common people it was jocularly known as "rid- 151 ing the one legged horse." Ludwig Salz- mann informs is us that in Thibet impalement considered the most appropriate punishfor crimes against religion; and alin ment though China it is it secular offences, sometimes awarded for is most frequently ad- judged in cases of sacrilege. To the person in actual experience of impalement it must be a matter of minor importance by what kind of civil or religious dissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in the character of a weather-cock on the spire of the True Church. Impartial, ad]. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions. Impenitence, ishment. n. A state of mind between sin intermedi- ate in point of time and pun- Impiety, deity. n. Your irreverence toward my 152 Imposition, n. The to act of blessing or conse- crating by the laying on of hands — a cere- mony common cerity many known ecclesiastical sys- tems, but performed with the frankest sin- by the sect as Thieves. "Lo! by the laying on of hands," priest Say parson, and dervise, "We consecrate your cash To ecclesiastic service. No doubt you'll swear till At such an imposition. and lands all is blue Do." Polio Doncas. Impostor, honors. «. A n. rival aspirant to public Improbability, His tale he told with a solemn face And a tender, melancholy grace. Improbable 'twas, no doubt. When But all you came to think it out, crowd Their deep surprise avowed the fascinated And with a single voice averred 'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard— All save one who spake never a word. But sat as mum As if deaf and dumb. Serene, indifferent and unstirred. ; 153 Then all the others And scrutinized turned to him him limb from limb- Scanned him alive But he seemed to thrive And tranquiler grow each minute, As if there were nothing in it. "What! what!" cried one, "are you At what our friend has told ?" He Soberly then his eyes and gazed not amazed raised In a natural way And As he proceeded to say. "O no —not crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf: at all; I'm a liar myself." Improvidence, «. Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of to-morrow. Impunity, n. Wealth. Inadmissible, adj. Not competent to be considered. Said of certain kinds of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be entrusted with, and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of proceedings before themselves alone. Heresay evidence is inadmissible because the person quoted was unsworn and is not before the court for examination ary, ; yet most momentous actions, milit- commercial and of every other kind, are daily undertaken on hear political, 154 say evidence. evidence. There is no religion in the world that has any other Revelation is basis than hearsay hearsay evidence; that the Scriptures are the have only the testimony of word of God we men long dead in as whose identity is not clearly established and who any they are not sense. known to have been sworn Under the rules of evidence now exist in this country, assertion in the Bible has in its evidence admissible in a court of law. It cannot be proved that the battle of Blen- no single support any heim ever was fought, Assyria. that there a person as Julius Caesar, was such empire as such an But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon certain which women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decison it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many If there were no witches, suffered death. ions based — 155 human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv. In an unpromising manner, the auspices being unfavorable. Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking any important action or enterprise to obtain state prophets, from the augurs, or its some hint of probable outcome; and one of their favorite and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing the flight of birds —the omens thence derived being called auspices. News- paper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have decided that the word always in the plural shall mean "patronage" or "management" as, "The festivities were under the auspices of the Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers" or, ; ; — "The were auspicated by Knights of Hunger." hilarities the A If Roman slave appeared one day Before the Augur. Augur, smiling, made A checking gesture and displayed His open palm, which plainly itched, the —" here "Tell me, pray, For visibly its surface twitched. A denarius (the Latin nickel) Successfully allayed the tickle. And then the slave proceeded : "Please — 156 Inform me whether Fate decrees Success or failure in what I To-night Its (if it be dark) shall try. nature? Never mind 'Tis writ on this" — — I think and with a wink Which darkened Another denarius half the earth, he to view, drew Its shining face attentive scanned. Then slipped it into the good man's hand, Who "Wait While I retire to question Fate." That holy person then withdrew with great gravity said: The temple's rearward gate, Waving his robe of office. Each sacred peacock and its His sacred clay and, passing through cried "Shoo!" Straight mate fled (Maintained for Juno's favor) With clamor from the trees o'erhead, Where they were perching for the night. The temple's roof received their flight. For thither they would always go, When Back danger threatened them below. to the slave the Augur went: "My son, forecasting the event By flight of birds, I must confess The auspices deny success." That slave retired, a sadder man, Abandoning his secret plan Which was (as well the crafty seer Had from the first divined) to clear The wall and fraudulently seize On Juno's poultry in the trees. G. J. — 157 Income, n. The natural and rational gauge and measure of respectability, the commonly accepted standards being artificial, arbitrary and fallacious; for, as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in the play has justly remarked, "the true use and function of property (in whatsoever it consisteth coins, or land, or houses, or merchant-stuflf, or anything which of right to one's of may be named as holden own subservience) as also preferments and place, honors, all titles, and favor and acquaintance of persons it of quality or ableness, are but to get money. foUoweth that all things are truly to be rated as of worth in measure of their serviceableness to that end; and their posagreement thereto, neither the lord of an unproducing manor, howsoever broad and ancient, nor he who bears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet the pauper favorite of a king, being esteemed of level excellency with him whose riches are of daily accretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim and rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy." sessors Hence should take rank in Incompatibility, n. In matrimony a simil- 158 arity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, meek-eyed matron living just around the corner. It has even been known to wear a moustache. consist of a Incompossible, adj. Unable to exist if some- thing else exists. Two things are incomposs- ible when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for both as Walt Whitman's poetry and God's mercy to man. Incompossibility, it will be — seen, is only incompatibility let loose. In- low language as "Go heel mean to kill you on sight," the yourself I words, "Sir, we are incompossible," would stead of such — convey an equally significant and in stately courtesy are superior. intimation altogether Incubus, n. One of a race of highly im- proper demons who, though probably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen For a complete account their best nights. of incubi and succubi, including incuhte, and succubeB, see the Liber Demonorum of Protassus much (Paris, 1328), which contains curious information that would be a 159 out of place in a dictionary intended as a text-book for the public schools. Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan himself tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women, doubtless sometimes incubus, plays at greatly to the inconvenience and alarm of — — the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage vows, generally speaking. A certain lady applied to the parish priest to learn how they might, in the dark, said they dis- tinguish the hardy intruder from their hus- bands. his The holy man to hint a must feel brow test. for horns; but Hugo is ungallant "of enough the doubt of the efficacy Incumbent, est to the «. A person of the liveliest inter- outcumbents. Indecision, «. The chief element of success; "for whereas," saith Sir Thomas Brewbold, "there is but one way to do nothing and divers ways to do something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, it follow- eth that he still hath as astray who from indecision standeth not so many chances of going he who pusheth forwards" — 160 most clear and satisfactory exposition of the matter. "Your prompt eral decision to attack," said General Grant on a certain occasion to GenGordon Granger, "was admirable you had but five minutes to make up your mind ; in." "Yes, ordinate, sir," answered the victorious subis "it a great thing to know exactly in what to do in an emergency. When doubt whether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment I toss up a cop- — per." "Do you mean this to say that's what you did sake time?" "Yes, General; but for Heaven's don't reprimand me: I disobeyed the coin." to Indifferent^ distinctions adj. Imperfectly sensible things. cried Indolentio's wife, to all in life." among man!" "You tiresome "You've grown indifferent "I would be, dear, but "Indifferent?" he drawled with a slow smile; it is not worth while." Apuleius M. Gokul. Indigestion^ n. A disease which the patient and his friends frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the 161 salvation of mankind. As the simple it, Red it Man of the western wild put with, must be confessed, a certain force: "Plenty well, no pray; big bellyache, heap God." Indiscretion, n. The guilt of woman. to Inexpedient, adj. Not calculated advance one's interests. Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. Inferi^, n. (Latin.) Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices for propitation of the Dtt Manes, or souls of dead heroes; for the pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual needs, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailor might say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising materials. It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of Agamemnon that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with an audi- ence of that illustrious warrior's shade, who prophetically recounted to him the birth of — 162 Christ and the triumph of Christianity, giving him also a rapid but tolerably complete review of events Louis. down to the reign of Saint narrative ended abruptly at owing to the inconsiderate crowing of a cock, which compelled the ghosted King of Men to scamper back to Hades. There is a fine mediaeval flavor to this story, and as it has not been traced back further that point, The than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure writer at the court of Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of presumption in considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel's judgment of the matter might be different; and to that I bow wow. Infidel^ n. In New York, who one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one does. (See GiAOUR.) to, A kind of scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs, voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns, mission- aries, exhorters, priests, deacons, friars, hadjis, highmuezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders, primates, pre- 163 bendaries, pilgrims, clerks, prophets, imaums, arch- beneficiaries, vicars-choral, bishops, bishops, abbots, priors, preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, diocesans, abdals, curates, patriarchs, bonezs, santons, beads- men, canonesses, deans, residentiaries, subdeans, rural deans, charm-sellers, archdeacons, hierarchs, classleaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, tala- poins, centors, postulants, scribes, gooroos, sextons, prerever- beadles, revivalists, fakeers, ences, cenobites, perpetual readers, curates, chaplains, vicars, mudjoes, rabbis, novices, pastors, ulemas, lamas, sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens, cardinals, fragans, acolytes, rectors, prioresses, suf- cures, sophis, mutifs and pumpums. n. Influence, In politics, a visionary quo given in exchange for a substantial quid. Infralapsarian, believe that less «. One who to ventures to Adam need who not have sinned unin opposition to the he had a mind person's fall — Supralapsarians, less hold that that luck- was decreed from the beginning. Infralapsariaas are sometimes — — 164 ; called Sublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity of views about their Adam. their Two theologues once, as they wended To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall, Concerning poor " way Adam and what made him 'Twas Predestination," cried one fall of his — fall. "for the Lord Decreed he should "Not so "Which — own accord." 'twas Free will," the other maintained, led him to choose what the Lord had ordained." So fierce and so fiery grew the debate That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could So off flew their cassocks sate and caps to the ground And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round. Ere either had proved his theology right By winning, or even beginning, the fight, A A Of gray old professor of Latin came by, staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye. And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill foreordinational freedom of will) this reasonless Cried: "Sirrahs! warfare compose: Atwixt ye's no difference worthy of blows. The sects ye belong to I'm ready to swear Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear. You Infralapsarian son of a clown! — — Should only contend that While you —you Adam slipped down; Supralapsarian pup! Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up." — 165 It's all the You slip same whether up or down on a peel of banana brown. of thunder! Even Adam analyzed not his blunder, But thought he had slipped on a peal G.J. Ingrate, n. One who is receives a benefit from another, or "All otherwise an object of charity. "Nay," men are ingrates," sneered the cynic. The good philanthropist replied; "I did great service to a man one day Who never since has cursed me to repay. Nor vilified." "Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me to him With veneration I am overcome. straight And fain would have his blessing." "Sad your He cannot bless you, for I grieve to state The man is dumb." fate Ariel Selp. Injury, n. An offense next in degree of enormity Injustice, that to a slight. «. A burden which of all those we is load upon others and carry ourlightest in the i selves hands and heaviest upon the back. Ink, n. A villainous compound of tanno- 166 gallate of iron, gum-arabic and water, cliiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. The properties of ink are peculiar and contra- be used to make reputations and unmake them; to blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally dictory : it may and acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones in an edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal after- ward the rascal quality of the material. There are men called journalists who have established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others to get out of. Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paid to get in pays twice as out. much to get Innate, ad'}. is Natural, inherent to say, ideas that — as innate ideas, that we are born with, having to us. had them previously imparted doctrine of innate ideas is The itself one of the most admirable faiths of philosophy, being an innate idea and therefore inaccessible to disproof, though Locke foolit ishly supposed himself to have given black eye." Among innate ideas may "a be mentioned the belief in one's ability to con- 167 duct a newspaper, in the greatness of one's country, in the superiority of one's civilization, in the importance of one's personal affairs and in the interesting nature of one's diseases. In'ARDS, n. The stomach, heart, soul and eminent investigators do not class the soul as an in'ard, but that acute observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the mysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than our immortal part. To the contrary. Professor Garrett P. Servis holds that man's soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which forms the pith of his no tail and for demonstration of his faith points confidently to the fact that tailed animals have no souls. Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by believing other bowels. ; Many both. Inscription, thing. n. Something written on another Inscriptions are of many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the fame of some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record of his 168 services and virtues. To this class of inscrip- name of John Smith, penWashington monument. Following are examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones: (See EPITAPH.) tions belongs the ciled on the "In the sky my soul is found, And my body in the ground. By and by my body'U rise To my spirit in the skies, Soaring up to Heaven's gate. 1878." "Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree. Cut ds. down May 9th, 1862, aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 Indigenous." "Affliction sore long time she boar, in vain, Phisicians was Till Deth left released the dear deceased And Gone her a remain. in the regions of bliss." to join Ananias "The clay that rests beneath this stone As Silas Wood was widely known. Now, lying here, I ask what good It was to me to be S. Wood. O Man, let not ambition trouble you. Is the advice of Silas W." Fell to Earth Jan. off "Richard Haymon, of Heaven. 20, 1807, and had the dust brushed him Oct. 3, 1874-" —— 169 INSECTIVORA, n. "See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers, "How Providence provides for all His creatures!" "His care," the gnat said, "even the insects follows: For us He has provided wrens and swallows." Sempen Railey. Insurance, chance in n. An ingenious modern game of is which the player permitted to is enjoy the comfortable conviction that he beating the man who keeps the table. dear sir, Insurance Agent: house My it. that is a fine — pray let me insure House Owner: With pleasure. Please make the annual premium so low that by the time when, according to the tables of your actuary, be destroyed by less fire I it will probably will have paid you considerably than the face of the policy. Insurance Agent: afford to do that. O must dear, no —we could not so that We fix the premium you will have paid more. House Owner: How, then, can / afford that? Insurance Agent: Why, your house may burn down at any time. There was Smith's house, for example, which House Owner: son's house, Spare me — there were Brown's house, on the contrary, and Jones's house, and Robin- which Spare me/ Insurance Agent: — 170 House Owner: Let us understand each other. You want me to pay you money on the supposition that something will occur previously to the time set by yourself for expect as its occurrence. In other words, you me to bet that it my house will not last so long you say that will probably last. if Insurance Agent: But out insurance it your house burns with- will be a total loss. House Owner: burns,, all the Beg your pardon — ^by your actuary's tables I shall probably have saved, own when it premiums I would otherwise have paid amounting to more than the face of the policy to you they would have bought. But suppose it to burn, uninsured, before the time upon which your figures are based. If I could not afford that, how could you if it — were insured? Insurance Agent: O, we should make ourselves whole from our luckier ventures with other clients. Virtually, they pay your loss. House Owner: And to pay their losses? as virtually, then, don't I help their houses as likely Are not mine to burn before they have paid you as much The case stands this way: as you must pay them? you expect to take more money from your clients than you pay to them, do you not? Certainly; if Insurance Agent: we did not House Owner: money. I would not If it is trust you with with my Very well, then. certain, refer- ence to the whole body of your clients, that they lose money on you ies it is probable, with reference to any one It is these individual probabilit- of them, that he will. that make the aggregate certainty. — 171 Insurance Agent: I will pamph not deny it —but look the at the figures in this House Owner: Heaven forbid! Insurance Agent: You spoke of saving premiums which you would otherwise pay to me. Will you not be more likely to squander them? We offer you an incentive to thrift. House Owner: care of B's as The is willingness of A to take money not peculiar to insurance, but a charitable to institution its you command from a esteem. Deign Object. accept expression Deserving Insurrection, rule for n. An unsuccessful revolu- tion. Disaffection's failure to substitute mis- bad government. n. Intention, set ; The mind's sense of the pre- valence of one set of influences over another an effect whose cause is the imminence, immediate or remote, of the performance of act. an involuntary Interpreter, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. Interregnum, n. The period during which a 172 monarchical country is governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne. The experiment of letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy per- sons to make it warm again. Intimacy^ which fools providentially drawn for their mutual n. A relation into are de- struction. Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue And one in white, together drew, And having each a pleasant sense Of t'other powder's excellence, Forsoolt their jackets for the snug Enjoyment of a common mug. So close their intimacy grew One paper would have held the two. To confidences straight they fell. Less anxious each to hear than tell; Then each remorsefully confessed the virtues he possessed. To all Acknowledging he had them in So high degree it was a sin. The more they said, the more they Their spirits with emotion melt, Till tears of sentiment expressed felt Their feelings. Then they effervesced! : 173 So Nature executes her feats Of wrath on The good old That you are friends and sympathetes rule you and who won't apply, I am I. Introduction, n. A social ceremony invented by the devil for the gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies. The introduction attains its most malevolent development in this country, being, indeed, closely related to our political system. Every American being the equal of every other American, it follows that everybody has the right to know everybody else, which implies the right to introduce without request or permission. The Declaration of Independence should have read thus "We men hold these truths to be self-evident: that all are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right liberty, to make that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an incalculable quantity of acquaintances; particularly the liberty jfirst to introduce persons if to one another without not already ascertaining they are acquainted as enemies; and the pursuit of another's happiness with a running pack of strangers." Inventor, k. A person who makes an ingen- 174 arrangement of wheels, levers springs, and believes it civilization. ious and IRRELIGION, n. The principal one of the great faiths of the world. Itch, n. The patriotism of a Scotchman. J is consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel than which nothing could be more absurd. Its original form, which a — has been but slightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, and it was not a letter but a character, standing for a Latin verb, jacere, "to throw," because stone is when a thrown at a dog the dog's is tail assumes that shape. This letter, as the origin of the expounded by the renowned Dr. Jocolpus Bumer, of the University of Belgrade, who established his conclusions on work of three quarto volumes and committed suicide on being reminded that the j in the Roman alphabet had originally no curl. the subject in a 175 Jealous, if Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only adj. not worth keeping. Jester, n. An officer formerly attached to a king's household, whose business it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and utterances, the absurdity being attested by his motley costume. The king it himself be- ing attired with dignity, took the world some centuries to discover that his own conduct and decrees were sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of all mankind. The jester was commonly called a fool, but the poets and romancers have ever delighted to represent him as a In the singularly wise and witty person. circus of to-day the melancholy ghost of the court fool effects the dejection of humbler wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall, panged the patrician sense of humor and tapped the audiences with the same jests tank of royal tears. The widow-queen of Portugal Had an audacious jester Who entered the confessional Disguised, and there confessed her. — 176 "Father," she said, "thine ear bend down My I love sins are more than scarlet: my fool —blaspheming clown, varlet." priest replied, is is And common, base-born "Daughter," the mimic "That sin, indeed, awful: denied The church's pardon love that is To unlawful. "But since thy stubborn heart will be For him forever pleading, Thou'dst better make him, by decree, A man of birth and breeding." She made the fool a duke, in hope With Heaven's taboo to palter; Then told a priest, who told the Pope, Who damned her from the altar! Bar el Dort. Jews-harp, n. An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast with the teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger. Joss-sticks, Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy n. religion. Justice, «. A commodity which in a more or 177 less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service. K K is from the Greeks, but it can be traced away back beyond them to the Cerathians, a small commercial a consonant that we get nation inhabiting the peninsula of Smero. was called Klatch, which means "destroyed." The form of the letter was originally precisely that of our H, but In their tongue it the erudite Dr. Snedeker explains that it was altered to its present shape to commemorate the destruction of the great temple of Jarute by an earthquake, circa 730 B. C. This building was famous for the two lofty columns of its portico, one of which was broken in half by the catastrophe, the other remaining intact. As the earlier form of the letter is supposed to have been suggested by these pillars, so, it is thought by the great antiquary, its later was adopted not to say touchas a simple and natural means of keeping the calamity ever in ing It is not known if the national memory. — — 178 the name of the letter was altered if as an additional mnemonic, or the name was always Klatch and the destruction one of nature's puns. As each theory seems probable enough, I see no objection to believing both —and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself on t. that side of the question. Keep, v. He willed away his whole estate, And then in death he fell asleep, Murmuring: "Well, at any rate. My name unblemished I shall keep." But when upon the tomb 'twas wrought Whose was it? for the dead keep naught Durang Gophel Arn- — Kill, v. t. To create a vacancy without nom- inating a successor. Kilt, n. A costume in Scotchmen Scotland. sometimes worn by America and Americans in Kindness, «. A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction. King, n. A male person commonly known in — — — 179 America as a "crowned head," although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of, A king, in times long, long gone by. Said to his lazy jester: "If I were you and you were I My moments merrily would No fly care nor grief to pester." "The reason, Sire, that you would thrive," The fool said "if you'll hear it — Is that of all the fools alive Who own you for their sovereign, I've The most forgiving spirit." Oogum Bern. King's Evil, n. A malady that was formerly cured by the touch of the sovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians. Thus "the most pious Edward" of England used to lay his royal hand upon and make them whole a his ailing subjects That stay his cure: their crowd of wretched souls malady convinces his hand, The great essay of art; but at his touch. Such sanctity hath Heaven given They presently amend, as the "Doctor" in Macbeth hath it This 180 useful property of the royal hand could, to it appears, be transmitted along with other crown properties; for according colm, ') 'tis "Mal- spoken, To The the succeeding royalty he leaves healing benediction. But the of gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession: the later sovereigns England have not been tactual healers, and the disease once honored with the name "king's evil" now bears the humbler one of "scrofula," from scrofa, a sow. The date and author of the following epigram are to the known only but it is author of this dictionary, old enough to show that the jest is about Scotland's national disorder a thing of yesterday. not Y^ Kynge his evill in me laye, Wh. he of Scottlande He layde his hand on charmed awaye. mine and sayd: "Be gone!" Y« ill no longer stayd. But O y= wofull plyght in wh. I'm now y-pight: I have y= itche! The superstition that maladies can be cured is by royal taction dead, but like many a 181 departed conviction it has left a monument of custom to keep its memory green. The practice of forming in line and shaking the President's hand had no other origin, and when that great dignitary bestows his heal- ing salutation on strangely visited people, All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye, The mere despair of surgery, he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which once was kindled at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all It is a beautiful and edifyclasses of men. ing "survival" one which brings the sainted past close home to our "business and — bosoms." Kiss, n. A word invented by It is the poets as a to signify, rhyme for "bliss." supposed in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its performance is unknown to this lexicographer. Kleptomaniac, n. A rich thief. 182 Knight, Once n. a warrior gende of birth, a person of civic worth, a fellow to Then Now move our mirth. Warrior, person, and fellow We no more: must knight our dogs to get any lower. Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be, Noble Knights of the Golden Flea, St. — Knights of the Order of Steboy, Knights of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy. knighting fad God speed the day when this Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad. Koran, divine n. A book which inspiration, the Mohammedans by foolishly believe to have been written know to but which Christians be a wicked imposture, contradict- ory to the Holy Scriptures. Labor, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. Land, is «. A part of the earth's surface, con- sidered as property. The theory that land and control property subject to private ownership is the foundation of modern — 183 eminently worthy of the superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some have the right to prevent others from living; for the right to society, is and own implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass are enacted wherever property in land is recognized. It follows that if the whole area of terra firma is owned by A, B and C, there will be no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to exist, A life on the ocean wave, the rolling deep, that nature gave A home on I For the spark have there the right to keep. They give me the cat-o'-nine Whenever I go ashore. Then ho for the flashing brine ! I'm a natural commodore! Dodle. Language^ n. charm the treasure. The music with which we serpents guarding another's LaocoON, n. A famous piece of antique sculptname and ure representing a priest of that 184 his two sons in the folds of skill two enormous serpents. The and diligence with lads support the to their as which the old man and serpents and keep them up have been justly regarded work one of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human intelligence over brute inertia. Lap, n. One of the most important organs of the female system — an admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, plates of cold chicken but chiefly useful in rural festivities to support and heads of adult males. The male of our species has a rudimentary lap, imperfectly developed and in no way contributing to the animal's substantial welfare. Last, n. shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the A maker of puns. Ah, punster, would my is Where So that I the cobbler lot were cast, unknown, might forget his last And hear your own. Gargo Repsky, 185 Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, pro- ducing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable. Liability to attacks of laughter is one of the characteristics being not only inaccessible to the provocation of his example, but impregnable to the microbes having original jurisdiction in bestowal of the disease. Whether laughter could be imparted to animals by inoculation from the human patient is a question that has not been answered by experimentation. Dr. Meir Witchell holds that the infectious character of laughter is due to instantaneous fermentation of sputa diffused in a spray. From this peculiarity he names the disorder Convulsio spargens. from the animals —these distinguishing man Laureate, laurel. Crowned with leaves of the adj. In England the Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting as dancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royal funeral. Of all incumbents of that high office, Robert Southey had the most notable knack at drugging the Samson of public joy and cut- — 186 ting his hair to the quick; — and he had an art- istic color-sense which enabled him so to blacken a public grief as to give it the aspect of a national crime. Laurel^ to n. The laurus, a vegetable dedicated and formerly defoliated to wreathe the brows of victors and such poets {Vide Supra.) as had influence at court. Apollo, Law, n. Once Law was sitting on the bench, And Mercy knelt a-weeping. "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! Nor come before me creeping. Upon your knees if you appear, Tis plain your have no standing here." Then Justice came. His Honor cried: devil seize "Your status? — you!" "Arnica curiae," she replied "Friend of the court, so please you." "Begone I never I" he shouted — "there's the door saw your face before!" G. J. Lawful, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction. 187 Lawyer, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law. Laziness, in Unwarranted repose of manner a person of low degree. n. Lead, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to light lovers —particul- arly to those who love not wisely but other is men's wives. Lead also of great service as a counterpoise to an argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong way. An interesting fact in the chemistry of international controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is precipitated in great quantities. Hail, holy Lead! — of human feuds the great And With universal arbiter; endowed penetration to pierce any cloud field of controversial hate, Fogging the And with a swift, vital inevitable, straight, Searching precision find the unavowed But point. Thy it judgment, when allowed not for thee By the chirurgeon, settles the debate. useful metal! O — ^were We'd grapple one another's ears alway: thee buzzing like a bee But when we hear We, like And when old Muhlenberg, "care not to stay." the quick have run away like pullets Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets. 188 Learning, n. The kind of ignorance disting- uishing the studious. Lecturer, in «. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith your patience. Legacy, it n. A gift from one who tears. is legging out of this vale of Leonine, adj. Unlike a menagerie line lion. Leonin the ine verses are those in , which a word middle of a end, as in this famous passage rhymes with a word at the from Bella Peeler Silcox: The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades. Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores : "O tempera ! O mores !" It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake to teach the pronunciaation of the ine verses are so called in Greek and Latin tongues. Leonhonor of a poet prosodists appear to find first named Leo, whom to discover that a a pleasure in believing to have been the rhyming couplet could be run into a single line. — 189 Lettuce^ «. An herb of the genus Lactuca, "Wherewith," says that pious gastronome, Hengist Pelly, "God has been pleased to reward the good and punish the wicked. For by his inner light the righteous man has discerned a manner of compounding for it a dressing to the appetency whereof a multitude of gustible condiments conspire, being reconciled and ameliorated with profusion of oil, the entire comestible making glad the heart of the godly and causing his face to shine. But the person of spiritual unworth is successfully tempted of the Adversary to eat of lettuce with destitution of oil, mustard, egg, salt and garlic, and with a rascal vinegar polluted with sugar. Wherefore the person of spiritual unworth bath of suffers an intestinal pang of strange com- plexity and raises the song." Leviathan, n. An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job. Some suppose it to have been the whale, but that distinguished ichthyologer. Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University, maintains with considerable heat was a species of gigantic Tadpole, {Thaddeus Polandensis) or Polliwig Maria pseudo-hirsuta. For an exhaustive that it 190 Tadpole consult the famous monograph of Jane Porter, Thaddeus of Warsaw. description and history of the pestilent fellow who, Lexicographer, n. under the pretense of recording some particular stage in the development of a language, does what he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility and mechanize For your lexicographer, havits methods. ing written his dictionary, comes to be considered "as one having authority," whereas his function is A only to make a record, not to give a law. The natural servility of the human understanding having invested him with judicial power, surrenders its right of reason and submits itself to a chronicle as if it were a statute. Let the dictionary (for example) mark a good word as "obsolete" or "obsolescent" and few men thereafter venture to use it, whatever their need of it and however desirable its restoration to favor whereby the process of impoverishment is accelerated and speech decays. On the contrary, the bold and discerning writer who, recognizing the truth that language — must grow by innovation if it grow at all, makes new words and uses the old in an un- — 191 familiar sense, has no following and is tartly reminded that "it isn't in the dictionary" although down to the time of the first lexicographer (Heaven forgive him!) no author ever had used a word that was in the dictionary. In the golden prime and high noon of English speech when from the lips of the great Elizabethans fell words that made their own meaning and carried it in their very sound; when a Shakspeare and a Bacon were possible, and the language now rapidly perishing at one end and slowly renewed at the other was in vigorous growth and hardy preservation sweeter than honey and stronger than a lion the lexicographer ; — — was a person creation which "Let and unknown, the dictionary a his Creator had not created Form," swarm! her clothing, which they him God And to create. Spirit perish into said: lexicographers arose, a fled Thought left took, And catalogued each garment in a book. leafy covert clothes Now, from her "Give me my when I'll she cries: and return," they rise And scan the list, and say without compassion: Sigismund Smith. "Excuse us —they are mostly out of fashion." LlARj ra. A lawyer with a roving commission. 192 Liberty, «. One of Imagination's most prec- ious possessions. The rising People, hot and out of breath, Roared round the palace: "Liberty or death!" "If death will do," the King said, "let me reign; You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain." Martha Braymance. Lickspittle, n. A useful functionary, not inIn frequently found editing a newspaper. his character of editor to the he is closely allied blackmailer by the tie of occasional is identity; for in truth the lickspittle only the blackmailer under another aspect, though the latter is frequently found as an independent species. Lickspittling is more detestable than blackmailing, precisely as the business of a confidence man is more detestable than that of a highway robber; and the parallel maintains itself throughout, for whereas few robbers will cheat, every sneak will plunder if he dare. LiFEj n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. hension of missed. its We live in daily appre- loss; yet when lost it is not liv- The question, "Is life worth ing?" has been much discussed; particularly — — 193 by those who think it is not, many of whom have written at great length in support of their view and by careful observance of the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of successful controversy. "Life's not worth still living, and that's the truth," Carelessly caroled the golden youth. In manhood he maintained that view And "Go held it more strongly the older he grew. a surgeon at once!" cried he. When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three, fetch me Han Soper. Lighthouse, n. A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. Limb, n. The branch of a an American woman. 'Twas a tree or the leg of pair of boots that the lady bought, And the salesman laced them tight To a very remarkable height Higher, indeed, than I think he ought Higher than can be right. For the Bible declares ^but never mind: — It is hardly fit To censure With Myself freely and fault to find others for sins that I'm not inclined to commit. — 194 Each has his weakness, and though Is freedom from every sin, It still my own were unfair first to pitch in, Discharging the censorious stone. Besides, the truth compels me to say, The boots in question were the lace she As he drew made that way. made a grimace, And blushingly said to him: sure, is "This boot, I'm It hurts too high to endure, my —hurts my —limb." The salesman smiled in a manner mild, artless, Like an undesigning child; himself, to his face he gave Then, checking A look as sorrowful as the grave. Though As he he didn't care two throes. figs For her pains and stroked her toes. just Remarking with speech and manner Befitting his calling: "Madam, I trust That it doesn't hurt your twigs." B. Percival Dike. Linen, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, entails a great waste of hemp." Galcraft the Hangman. Litigant^ «. A n. person about to give up his his bones. skin for the hope of retaining Litigation, as a A machine which you go as a sausage. into pig and come out of — LlVER^ n. — 195 A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. The sentiments and emotions which every literary anatomist now knows to haunt the heart were anciently believed to infest the liver; and even Gascoygne, speaking of the emotional side of human nature, calls it "our hepaticall parte." It was at one time considered the seat of life hence its name liver, the thing we live with. The liver is heaven's best gift to the goose; without it that bird would be unable to supply us with ; the Strasbourg pate. LL.D. Letters indicating the degree Legump- tionorum Doctor, one learned in laws, gifted with legal gumption. Some suspicion is upon this derivation by the fact that the was formerly £,£,.d., and conferred only upon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth. At the date of this writing Columcast title bia University of is considering the expediency making another degree for clergymen, in place of the old D.D. Damnator Dtaboli. The new honor will be known as Sanctorum Custus, and written $$c. The name of the Rev. John Satan has been suggested as a suitable recipient by a lover of consistency, — 196 who points out that Professor Harry Thurs- ton Peck has long enjoyed the advantage of a degree. LOCK-AND-KEY^ of civilization n. The distinguishing device and enlightenment. Lodger, n. less popular name for the Second Person of that delectable newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder and the Mealer. Logic, n. A The art of thinking and reasoning accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstandin strict ing. The basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion thus: Major Premise Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man. Minor Premise One man can dig a post: — : hole in sixty seconds; therefore Conclusion : Sixty men can dig a post- hole in one second. This may be called the syllogism arith- metical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed. 197 Logomachy, n. A war in which the weapons wounds punctures are words and the swim-bladder of self-esteem a kind of contest in which, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor is — in the denied the reward of success. 'Tis said by divers of the scholar-men That poor Salmasius Alas! died of Milton's pen. if this is we cannot know true, For reading Milton's wit we perish too. Longanimity^ dure injury maturing a plan of revenge. The disposition to enwith meek forbearance while n. Longevity, «. Uncommon extension of the fear of death. Looking-glass, «. A vitreous plane upon which to display a fleeting show for man's disillusion given. The King looking-glass, of Manchuria had a magic whereon whoso looked saw, not his own image, but only that of the king. A certain courtier who had long enjoyed the and was thereby enriched beyond any other subject of the realm, said to the king: "Give me, I pray, thy wonderful king's favor 198 mirror, so that when absent out of thine august presence I may yet do homage before thy visible shadow, prostrating myself night and morning in the glory of thy benign countenance, as which nothing has so divine splendor, Noonday Sun of the Universe!" O Pleased with the speech, the king commanded that the mirror be conveyed to the having gone it in an apartment where was naught but idle lumber. And the mirror was dimmed with dust and overlaced with cobwebs. This so angered him that he fisted it hard, shattering the glass, and was sorely hurt. Enraged all the more by this mischance, he commanded that the ungrateful courtier be thrown into prison, and that the glass be repaired and taken back to his own palace; and this was done. But when the king looked again on the mirror he saw not his image as before, but only the figure of a crowned ass, having a bloody bandage on one of its hinder hooves as the artificers and all who had looked upon it had before discerned but feared to report. Taught wisdom and charity, the king restored his courtier to liberty, had the mirror set into courtier's palace; but after, thither without apprisal, he found — — 199 the back of the throne and reigned many years with justice and humility; and one fell asleep in death while on the throne, the whole court saw in the mirror the luminous figure of an angel, which day when he remains to this day. Loquacity, wish Lord, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue to talk. when you In American society, an English tourist above the state of a costermonger, as. Lord 'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and so forth. The traveling Briton of lesser degree is addressed as "Sir," as, Sir 'Arry Donkiboi, of 'Amstead 'Eath. The word "Lord" is sometimes used, also, as a title of the Supreme Being; but this is thought to n. be rather flattery than true reverence. accord, Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own Wedded a wandering English lord Wedded and took him to dwell with A parent who throve by the practice her "paw," of Draw. Lord Cadde I don't hesitate here to declare Unworthy the father-in-legal care Of that elderly sport, notwithstanding the truth all the follies That Cadde had renounced of youth; For, sad to relate, he'd arrived at the stage 200 marked by the vices of age. cupidity caused him to urge Repeated demands on the pocket of Splurge, Till, wrecked in his fortune, that gentleman saw that's Of existence Among them, Inadequate aid in the practice of Draw, And took, as a means of augmenting his pelf, To His the business of being a lord himself. neat-fitting garments he wilfully shed And sacked himself strangely in checks instead; his chin, but retained at each ear Denuded A whisker that looked like a blasted career. painted his neck an incarnadine hue He Each morning and varnished it all that he knew. The moony monocular set in his eye Appeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye. His head was enroofed with a billycock hat, And his low-necked shoes were aduncous and flat. In speech he eschewed his American ways, Denying his nose to the use of his A's And dulling their edge till the delicate sense Of a babe at their temper could take no offence. His H's —'twas most inexpressibly sweet, The made as they fell at his feet! Re-outfitted thus, Mr. Splurge without fear Began as Lord Splurge his recouping career. patter they Alas, the Divinity shaping his end Entertained other views and decided to send His lordship in horror, despair and dismay From Fell the land of the nobleman's natural prey. For, smit with his — Old World ways, Lady Cadde suffering Caesar! — in love with her dad! G. J. 201 Lore, «. is Learning —particularly that sort which not derived from a regular course of instruction but comes of the reading of occult books, or by nature. This latter is commonly designated as folk-lore and em- braces popularly myths and superstitions. In Baring-Gould's Curious Myths of the Middle Ages the reader will find many of these traced backward, through various peoples on converging lines, toward a com- mon origin in remote antiquity. Among the Giant these are the fables of Killer," "Teddy "The Sleeping John Sharp Williams," "Little bane," fable Red Riding Hood and the Sugar Trust," "Beauty and the Bris- "The Seven Aldermen of Ephesus," "Rip Van Fairbanks," and so forth. The which Goethe so affectingly re- lates under the title of "The Erl-King" was known two thousand years ago in Greece as "The Demos and the Infant Industry." One of the most general and ancient of these myths is that Arabian tale of "Ali Baba and the Forty Rockefellers." Loss, «. Privation of that which we had, or it is had not. Thus, in the latter sense, said of a defeated candidate that he "lost : 202 and of that eminent man, the poet Gilder, that he has "lost his mind." It is in the former and more legitimate sense, that the word is used in the famous epitaph his election" ; Here Huntington's ashes long have lain Whose loss is our own eternal gain, For while he Whatever he exercised all his powers gained, the loss was ours. temporary insanity curable by Love, n. marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but A more frequently patient. to the physician than to the Low-bred, up. adj. "Raised" instead of brought Luminary, n. One who throws light upon a it. subject; as an editor by not writing about Lunarian, «. An inhabitant of the moon, as : 203 distinguished from Lunatic, one whom the moon inhabits. The Lunarians have been described by Lucian, Locke and other ob- but without much agreement. For example, Bragellos avers their anatomical identity with Man, but Professor Newcomb servers, says they are more like the hill tribes of Vermont. Lyre^ n. An is ancient instrument of torture. The word now used in a figurative sense to denote the poetic faculty, as in the follow- ing fiery lines of our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre, And The pick with care the disobedient wire. stupid shepherd lolling on his crook With I bide deaf attention scarcely deigns to look. my time, and it shall come at length, When, with I'll a Titan's energy and strength, grab a fistful of the strings, The world shall suffer when and O, I let them go! Farquharson Harris. M Mace, n. A Its staff of office signifying authority. its form, that of a heavy club, indicates 204 original purpose and use in dissuading dissent. from Machination, honorable n. The method employed by open and do the right thing. one's opponents in baffling one's efforts to So plain the advantages of machination It constitutes a moral obligation, And honest wolves who think upon't with loathing Feel bound to don the sheep's deceptive clothing. So prospers still the diplomatic art, And Satan bows, with hand upon his heart. R. S. K. Macrobian, and living n. One forgotten of the gods is abundfrom Methuselah to Old Parr, but some notable instances of longevity are less well known. A Calabrian peasant named Coloni, born in 1753, lived so long that he had what he to a great age. History antly supplied with examples, considered a glimpse of the dawn of uni- versal peace. Scanavius relates that he knew an archbishop who was so old that he could remember a time when he did not deserve hanging. In 1566 a linen draper of Bristol, England, declared that he had lived five hundred years, and that in all that time he : 205 had never told a lie. There are is instances of longevity {macrobiosis) in our own country. Senator Chauncey Depew old enough to know better. The editor of The American, a newspaper in New York City, has a mem- ory that goes back to the time when he was a rascal, but not to the fact The President of the United States was born so long ago that many of the friends of his youth have risen to high political and military preferment without the assistance of personal merit. The verses following were written by a macrobian When And In I was young the world was all fair amiable and sunny. the air, A brightness was in all the waters, honey. The jokes were fine and funny. The statesmen honest in their views, And in their lives, as well. And when you heard a bit of news 'Twas true enough to tell. Men were not ranting, shouting, reeking; "generally speaking." Nor women The Summer It lasted then was long indeed: one whole season! The sparkling Winter gave no heed When ordered by Unreason : ! 206 To bring the early peas on. the dickens is Now, where the sense In calling that a year Which does no more than is just commence Before the end near? When was young the year extended month to month until it ended. From I I know not why is the world has changed To And something dark and dreary, everything now arranged he To make a fellow weary. The Weather Man Has much to do with The It air is — I fear it, for, sure, not the same chokes you when it it is impure. When pure makes you lame. closed you are asthmatic; sciatic. With windows Open, neuralgic or Well, I suppose this new regime would seem Of dun Seems degeneration it eviler than To Some a better observation. And has for compensation mortal sight has failed although to angels' eyes such a boon, good land! blessings in a deep disguise Which To If pierce, They're visibly unveiled. Age IS He's costumed by a master hand Venable Strigg. 207 Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitintellectual independence; not ute of evidence that themselves are sane. For illustration, this present is (and illus- trious) lexicographer faith of his own sanity than in of any madhouse no firmer in the is any inmate the land yet for aught ; he knows to the contrary, instead of the lofty occupation that seems to him to be engaging his powers he may really be beating his hands against the window bars of an asylum and declaring himself Noah Webster, to the innocent delight of many thoughtless spectators. Magdalene^ Popularly, tion of the n. An inhabitant of Magdala. defini- a woman found out. This ance, Mary word has the authority of ignorof Magdala being another per- woman mentioned by Luke. It has also the official sanction of the governments of Great Britain and the United States. In England the word is proson than the penitent St. 208 nounced Maudlin, whence maudlin, adjective, unpleasantly sentimental. for Magdalene, With their and their Bedlam for Bethlehem, the English may justly boast themselves the greatest of revisers. Maudlin Magic, n. An art of converting superstition arts serving the into coin. There are other same high purpose, but the discreet ographer does not name them. lexic- Magnet, ism. n. Something acted upon by magnet- Magnetism, magnet. n. Something acting upon a immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have ildefinitions The two luminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. Magnificent, Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that to which the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit, or the glory of a glowworm, to a maggot. adj. 209 Magnitude, Magnitude being «. Size. purely relative, nothing is large and nothing small. If everything in the universe were increased in bulk one thousand diameters nothing would be any larger than it was before, but if one thing remained unchanged all the others would be larger than they had been. To an understanding familiar with the relativity of magnitude and distance the spaces and masses of the astronomer microscopist. would be no more impressive than those of the For anything we know to the contrary, the visible universe may be a small part of an atom, with its component ions, floating in the life-fluid (luminiferous ether) of some animal. Possibly the wee creatures peopling the corpuscles of our own blood are overcome with the proper emotion when contemplating the unthinkable distance from one of these to another. Magpie, n. A talk. bird whose thievish disposi- tion suggested to some one that it might be taught to Maiden, n. A young person of the unfair sex madden addicted to clewless conduct and views that The genus has a wide to crime. — : 210 geographical distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found. The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to the part of her that portable. is the field by the canary —^which, audible, beaten out of also, is more A lovelorn "It's maiden she sat and sang This quaint, sweet song sang she O for a youth with a football bang And a muscle fair to see! The Captain he Of a team to be! On the gridiron fie shall shine, A monarch by right And divine, it never to roast on — me!" Opaline Jones. Majesty, n. The state and title of a king. Regarded with a just contempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great Incohonees and Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorable orders of republican America. Male, n A member of the unconsidered, or 211 negligible sex. is The male of the human race commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. Malefactor, n. progress of the The chief human race. factor in the Malthusian^ adj. his doctrines. Pertaining to Malthus and Malthus believed in artificially limiting population, but found that it could not be done by talking. One of the most practical exponents of the Malthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all the famous soldiers have been of the same way of thinking. Mammalia, n. pi. A family of vertebrate state of animals whose females in a suckle their young, but the bottle. nature when civilized and enlightened put them out to nurse, or use Mammon, «. The god of the world's leadis ing religion. His chief temple York. in the holy city of New He swore And wore that all other religions were gammon, out his knees in the worship of Mammon. Jared Oopf. 212 Man, n. An animal so lost in rapturous conis templation of what he thinks he as to over- look what he indubitably ought to be. chief occupation is His extermination of other species, animals and his ever, multiplies as to infest the own which, how- with such insistent rapidity whole habitable earth and Canada. When And the world was young and Man was new, everything was pleasant, Distinctions Nature never drew and peasant. 'Mongst king and priest We're not Save here in that way at present. this Republic, where We have that old regime. For all are kings, however bare Their backs, howe'er extreme Their hunger. And, indeed, each has a voice To accept the tyrant of his party's choice. A citizen And, who would not vote, detested. therefore, was Was By "It one day with a tarry coat feathers backed (With is and breasted) patriots invested. your duty," cried the crowd, "Your ballot true to cast For the man o' your choice." He humbly bowed, And explained his wicked past: 213 "That's what I very gladly would have done, Apperton Duke. Dear patriots, but he has never run." Manes, n. The immortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans. They were in a state from which they had exhaled were buried and burned and they seem not to have been particularly happy afterward. of dull discomfort until the bodies ; Manicheism, Evil. n. The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare between Good and When Good gave up the fight the Persians joined the victorious Opposition. Manna, n. A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies of the original occu- pants. Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. Martyr, n. One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired death. 214i Material, as Having an actual existence, distinguished from an imaginary one. adj. Important. Material things I know, or All else is feel, or see; immaterial to me. Jamarach Holobom. Mausoleum, of the rich. «. The final and funniest folly Mayonnaise, n. One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion. Me, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the oppressive. Each is all three. Meander, n. To proceed sinuously and aimlessly. The word is the ancient name of a river about one hundred and fifty miles in south of Troy, which turned and twisted the effort to get out of hearing when the Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess. Medal, n. A small rnetal disk given as a 215 reward for virtues, attainments or services more or less authentic. It is related of Bismark, who had been awarded a medal for gallantly rescuing a drowning person, that, being asked the meaning of the medal, he replied: "I save lives sometimes." n. And sometimes he didn't. Medicine, to kill a A stone flung down the Bowery in dog n. Broadway. patience in plann- Meekness, Uncommon is ing a revenge that worth while. M is for Moses, Who slew the Egyptian. As sweet as a rose is The meekness of Moses. No monument shows his Post-mortem inscription, But M is for Moses, Who slew the Egyptian. The Biographical Alphabet. Meerschaum, n. (Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed to be made of it.) A fine white clay, which for convenit brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by the workmen ience in coloring ; — 216 engaged coloring in that industry. it The purpose of has not been disclosed by the manufacturers. There was a youth (you've heard before, This wofultale, may be), Who bought a meerschaum pipe and swore That color it would he! He He shut himself from the world away, soul he saw. night, he Nor any As hard smoked by smoked'by day. draw. in the as he could His dog died moaning wrath path, Of winds that blew aloof The weeds were in the gravel The owl was on the roof. "He's gone afar, he'll come no more," The neighbors sadly say. And so they batter in the door To take his goods away. lay, Dead, pipe in mouth, the youngster Nut-brown in face and limb. "That pipe's a lovely white," they "But it has colored him !" say, The moral there's small need to sing 'Tis plain as day to you: Don't play your game on any thing That is a gamester too. Martin Bulstrode, 217 Mendacious, adj. Addicted to rhetoric. Merchant, pursuit. n. One engaged is in a commercial is A commercial pursuit one in which the thing pursued a dollar. Mercy, n. An attribute beloved of detected offenders. Mesmerism, good n. Hypnotism before it wore clothes, kept a carriage and asked Incredulity to dinner. Metropolis, ialism. n. A stronghold of provinc- Millennium, n. The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be screwed down, with all reformers on the under side. Mind, sists n. A by the mysterious brain. form of matter conits secreted Its chief activity in the endeavor to ascertain own nature, the futility of the attempt being due nothing but itself to know itself with. From the Latin mens, a fact unknown to that honest shoe-seller, who, observing that his learned competitor to the fact that it has 218 over the way had displayed the motto emblazoned his own words "Men's, women's shop front with the and children's conscia recti." "Mens conscia recti," Mine, adj. it. Belonging to me if I can hold or seize Minister, n. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. In diplomacy an officer sent into a foreign country visible ity. as the embodiment His principal qualification is a degree of plausible inveracity next below that of an of his sovereign's hostil- ambassador. Minor, adj. Less objectionable. Minstrel, musician; ad]. Formerly a poet, singer or now a nigger with a color less than skin deep and a humor more than flesh and blood can bear. Miracle, n. An act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and a king. 219 Miscreant, person of the highest degree of unworth. Etymologically, the word n. its A means unbeliever, and tion present significa- may be regarded to as theology's noblest contribution the development of our language. Misdemeanor, «. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal society. By misdemeanors he O, woe was him ! essayed to climb Into the aristocraqr of crime. — ^with manner chill and grand "Captains of industry" refused his hand, And "Kings of finance" denied him recognition "railway magnates" jeered his low condition. He robbed a bank to make himself respected. still They rebuffed him, for he was detected. S. V. Hanipur. dagger which in mediaeval MiSERICORDE, n. warfare was used by the foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal. A Misfortune, n. The kind of fortune that never misses. 220 Miss, n. married A title with which we brand (Mrs.) un- women to indicate that they are in the market. Miss, Missis and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, In the general abolition of social titles in this our country they miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest Mush, abbreviated to Mh. the other of Master. Molecule, of matter. n. The It is ultimate, indivisible unit distinguished from the cor- puscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. Three great scientific theories of the struct- ure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. fourth af- A firms, with Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter existence is from ether —^whose proved by the condensation or precipitation. ific The is present trend of scient- The toward the theory of ions. from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion. A thought ion differs — 221 fifth theory ful if held by idiots, but it is doubtthey know any more about the matter is than the others. Monad, matter. n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of (See Molecule.) According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems willing to be understood, the monad has body without bulk, and mind without manifestation Leibnitz knows him by the innate power of considering. He has founded upon him a theory of the universe, which the creature bears without resentment, for the a gentleman. tains all monad is Small as he is, the monad conthe powers and possibilities need- ful to his evolution into a osopher of the first class altogether a very capable little fellow. He is not to be confounded with the microbe, or bacillus; by its inability to discern him, a good microscope shows him to be of an entirely distinct species. — German phil- Monarch, n. A person engaged in reigning. ruled, as the deriva- Formerly the monarch tion of the jects word attests, and as many subhave had occasion to learn. In Russia and the Orient the monarch has still a con- 222 siderable influence in public affairs and in the disposition of the human head, but in is western Europe political administration mostly entrusted to his ministers, he being somewhat preoccupied with lating to the status of his reflections re- own head. «. Monarchical ment. Government, Govern- Monday, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. of no advantage it. Money, to us n. A blessing that when we is excepting part with An evidence of culture and a passport to polite society. Supportable property. Monkey, makes n. An arboreal animal which itself at home in genealogical trees. Monosyllabic, one adj. Composed of words of never vapid is syllable, for literary babes who tire of testifying their delight in the compound by are appropriate googoogling. The words say, commonly Saxon —that to words of a barbarous people destitute 223 of ideas and incapable of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions. The man who writes Is the man to use an ax in Saxon Judibras. on. MONSIGNOR, n. A high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder of our religion overlooked the advantages. Monument, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commem- orated. The bones of ruined Agamemnon is are a show, And his royal monument, but Agamemnon's fame suffers no diminution in consequence. The monument cus- tom has its reductiones ad absurdutn in monuments "to the unknown dead" that is to say, monuments to perpetuate the memory of those who have left no memory. — Moral, adj. Conforming to a local and the mutable standard of right. Having quality of general expediency. It is sayd there be a raunge of mountaynes in the — 224 Easte, on one syde of the which certayn conducts are immorall, yet on the other syde they are holden in veenyenced, for good esteeme; wherebye the mountayneer is much conit is given to him to goe downe eyther way and fence. act as it shall suite his moode, withouten of- Gooie's Meditations. More, adj. The comparative degree of too much. Mouse, n. An animal which strews its path with fainting women. As in Rome Christians were thrown to the lions, so centuries earlier in Otumwee, the most ancient and famous city of the world, female heretics were thrown to the mice. Jakak-Zotp, the historian, the only Otumwump whose writings have descended to us, says that these martyrs met their death with little dignity and much exertion. He even attempts to exculpate the mice (such is the malice of bigotry) by declaring that the unfortunate women perished, some from exhaustion, some of broken necks from falling over their own feet, and some from lack of restoratives. The of mice, he avers, enjoyed the pleasures the chase history with is composure. But if "Roman nine-tenths lying," we can hardly expect a smaller proportion of that ; 225 rhetorical figure in the annals of a people capable of so incredible cruelty to lovely woman for a hard heart has a false tongue. ; MOUSQUETAIRE, n. A is long glove covering a part of the arm. Worn in New Jersey. But a "mousquetaire" spell muskeeter. mighty poor way to Mouth, in n. In man, the gateway to the soul woman, the outlet of the heart. Mugwump, In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted to the vice of independence. term of contempt. «. A Mulatto, of both. n. A child of two races, ashamed Multitude, n. A crowd; the source of poIn a republic, litical wisdom and virtue. the object of the statesman's adoration. a multitude of counsellors there saith the proverb. is "In wisdom," of equal If many men wisdom are wiser than any one must be that they acquire the excess of wisdom by the mere act of getting Whence comes it? Obviously together. individual of them, it : 226 from nowhere — as well say that a range of mountains is higher than the single mountains composing it. A multitude is as wise as its wisest member if it obey him; if not, it is no wiser than its most foolish. Mummy, tions as n. An ancient Egyptian, formerly in universal use among modern civilized namedicine, and now engaged in sup- plying art with an excellent pigment. is He handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals. By means of the Mummy, its mankind, it is said, Attests to the gods respect for the dead. saint, * We And plunder his tomb, be he sinner or Distil him for physic and grind him for paint. Exhibit for money his poor, shrunken frame. with levity flock to the scene of the shame. gods, for the use of O, tell me, ye For respecting my rhyme Scopes the dead what's the limit of time ? Brum. Mustang, n. An indocile horse of the west- ern plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman. of Achilles lead. Myrmidon, «. A follower ticularly when he didn't —par- — 227 Mythology, ple's n. The body of concerning a primitive peoorigin, beliefs its early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as dis- tinguished from the true accounts which it invents later. N Nectar, n. Olympian tion is A drink served at banquets of the deities. The secret of its preparabut the modern Kentuckians believe that they come pretty near to a lost, knowledge of its chief ingredient. Juno drank a cup of nectar, But the draught did not affect Juno drank a cup of rye her. Then she bade herself good-bye. /. G. Negro, n. The piece de resistance in the American political problem. Representing him by the letter n, the Republicans begin "Let n=the to build their equation thus: white man." This, however, appears to give an unsatisfactory solution. Neighbor, n. One whom we are commanded 228 to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how Nepotism, to office n. to make us disobedient. Appointing your grandmother for the good of the party, adj. Newtonian, Pertaining to a philo- sophy of the universe; invented by Newton, to say who discovered that an apple will fall to why. His successors and disciples have advanced so far as to be able to say when. the ground, but was unable Russian who denies the existNihilist, n. ence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is A Tolstoi. Nirvana, n. In the Buddhist religion, a state of pleasurable annihilation wise, particularly to awarded to the those wise enough to understand it. Nobleman, n. Nature's provision for wealthy social American maids ambitious to incur distinction and suffer high life. Noise, w. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authentstench in the ear. icating sign of civilization. A 229 Nominate, designate for the heaviest political assessment. To put forward a suitv. To able person to incur the mudgobbing and deadcatting of the opposition. Nominee, from the public n. A modest gentleman shrinking distinction of private life and dil- igently seeking the honorable obscurity of office. NON-COMBATANT, Nonsense, n. ti. A dead Quaker. The objections that are urged against this excellent dictionary. Nose, ors «. The extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance that great conquernoses, Getius, have great whose writings antedate the age of humor, calls the nose the organ of one's nose quell. is It has been observed that never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of another, physiologists have from which some drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. man with a Nose, There's a And wherever he goes 230 The people run from him and shout: "No cotton have we He For our ears if so be blow that interminous snout!" So the lawyers applied For injunction. "Denied," Said the Judge: "the defendant prefixion, Whate'er it portend, Appears to transcend The bounds of this court's jurisdiction." Arpad Singiny, Notoriety, The fame of one's competitor for public honors. The kind of renown most n. accessible and acceptable leading angels to mediocrity. A de- Jacob's-ladder stage, to the vaudeville with ascending and scending. NOUMENON, That which exists, as distinguished from that which merely seems to exist, the latter being a phenomenon. The noumenon is a bit difficult to locate it can be apprehended only by a process of reasoning ^which is a phenomenon. Nevertheless, the discovery and exposition of noumena offer a rich field for what Lewes calls "the endless variety and excitement of phil«. ; — 231 osophic thought." the Hurrah (therefore) for noumenon! Novel, n. short story padded. A species composition bearing the same relation to of A literature that the panorama bears its to art. As it is too long to be read at a sitting the impressions made by successive parts are in successively effaced, as the panorama. Unity, totality of carried in effect, is impossible; for is besides the few pages last read all that mind is the mere plot to painting. of what has gone before. is To the romance the novel is what photography Its dis- tinguishing principle, probability, corre- sponds to the literal actuality of the photo- graph and puts it distinctly into the category of reporting; whereas the free wing of the romancer enables him to mount to such altitudes of imagination as he to attain ; may be fitted and the first three essentials of the literary art are imagination, and imagination. The imagination art of writing novels, such as it was, is long dead everjrwhere except in Russia, where it is new. Peace to some of which have a large sale. its ashes — November, weariness. n. The eleventh twelfth of a 232 O Oath, In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the conscience by n. a penalty for perjury. Oblivion, which the wicked cease from struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground. Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet their n. The state or condition in works without pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory without an alarm clock. Observatory, conjecture cessors. «. A place where astronomers away the guesses of their prede- Obsessed, pp. the Vexed by an evil spirit, like Gadarene swine and other critics. Obsession was once more common than it is now. Arasthus tells of a peasant who was occupied by a different devil for every day in the week, and on Sundays by two. They were frequently seen, always walking in his shadow, when he had one, but were finally 233 driven away by the village notary, a holy man; but they took the peasant with them, for he vanished utterly. of a A devil thrown out Rheims woman by the Archbishop of streets, pursued by a hundred persons, until the open country was reached, where by a leap higher than a church spire he escaped into a bird. chaplain in Cromwell's army exorcised a soldier's obsessing devil by throwing the ran through the A soldier into the water, to the surface. when the devil came The soldier, unfortunately, did not. Obsolete, adj. No longer used by the timid. word which some Said chiefly of words. A lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a good word and has no exact modern equivalent equally it is good enough for the good writer, Indeed, a writer's attitude toward "obso' lete" words is as true a measure of his litgood, erary ability as anything except the chardictionary of obsolete acter of his work. A and obsolescent words speech ; would not only be singularly rich in strong and sweet parts of it would add large possessions to the 234 vocabulary of every competent writer who might not happen to be a competent reader. Obstinate, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy. The popular type and exponent of obstinacy is the mule, a most intelligent animal. Occasional, or less adj. Afflicting us with greater frequency. in That, however, is is not the sense which the word used in the phrase "occasional verses," which are verses written for an "occasion," such as an anniversary, a celebration or other event. True, worse than other sorts of verse, but their name has no reference to they afflict us a little irregular recurrence. Occident, «. The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub- whose principal inmurder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "comtribe of the Hypocrites, dustries are merce." These, also, are the principal in- dustries of the Orient. 235 Ocean, n. A body of water occupying two-thirds of a world made for man—^who about has no gills. Offensive, adj. Generating disagreeable emotions or sensations, as the advance of an army against its enemy. "Were the enemy's tactics offensive?" the king asked. "I should say so!" replied the unsuccessful general. "The blackguard wouldn't come out of his works!" Old, In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent with general inefficiency, Discredited by lapse of as an old man. time and offensive to the popular taste, as an adj. old book. "Old books? Nature The devil take them!" Goby said. "Fresh every day must be herself approves the my books and bread." And gives us every Goby rule moment a fresh fool. Harley Shum. Oleaginous, adj. Oily, smooth, sleek. Disraeli once described the manner of Bishop Wilberforce as "unctuous, oleaginAnd the good prelate ous, saponaceous." 236 was ever afterward known as Soapy Sam. For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it. Olympian, adj. Relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited by gods, bottles now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer and mutilated sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist and his appetite. His name the smirking tourist scrawls Upon Minerva's temple walls, Where thundered once Olympian And marks his appetite's abuse. Zeus, Averil loop. Omen, if «. A sign that something will happen Enough. nothing happens. Once, adv. Opera, n. play representing life in another world, whose inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no postures but attitudes. All acting is simula- A tion, and the word simulation is from simia, an ape; but in opera the actor takes for his 237 model Simia stentor) —the ape An audibilis (or Pithecanthropos that howls. The The Opiate, actor apes a man — at least in shape; opera performer apes an ape. n. unlocked door in the prison It leads into the jail yard. of Identity. Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment. Oppose, v. To assist with obstructions who and ob- jections. How With lonely he thinks to vex badinage the Solemn Sex! Of levity, Mere Man, beware; None but the Grave deserve the Unfair. Percy P- Orminder. Opposition, vents the n. In politics the party that pre- Government from running amuck by hamstringing it. The King of Ghargaroo, who had been abroad to study the science of government, appointed one hundred of his fattest subjects as members of a parliament to make laws for the collection of revenue. Forty 238 of these he named the Party of Opposition and had his Prime Minister carefully inthem in their duty of opposing every royal measure. Nevertheless, the first one that was submitted passed unanimously. Greatly displeased, the King vetoed it, informing the Opposition that if they did that again they would pay for their obstinacy with their heads. The entire forty promptly disemboweled themselves. "What shall we do now?" the King "Liberal institutions cannot be asked. maintained without a party of Opposition." "Splendor of the universe," replied the Prime Minister, "it is true these dogs of darkness have no longer their credentials, but all is not lost. Leave the matter to this struct worm of the dust." his So the Minister had the bodies of Majesty's stuffed Opposition embalmed and with straw, put back into the seats of power and nailed there. Forty votes were recorded against every bill and the nation prospered. But one day a bill imposing a tax on warts was defeated the members of the Government party had not been nailed This so enraged the King to their seats! that the Prime Minister was put to death, — 239 the parliament was dissolved with a battery of artillery, and government of the people, by the people, for the people perished from Ghargaroo. Optimism, n. is The doctrine, or belief, that everything beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and is most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a is and everything right that blind faith, disproof to —an it is inaccessible to the light of intellectual disorder, yielding no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious. Optimist, «. is A proponent of the doctrine that black white. A pessimist applied to God for relief. "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that would justify them." "The world is all created," said God, 240 "but you have overlooked something mortality of the optimist." —the Oratory, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography. Orphan, ude n. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of filial ingratit- — a privation appealing is with a particusympathetic in lar eloquence to all that human nature. When young the orphan is commonly sent to an asylum, where by careful cultivation of locality it is its rudimentary sense of taught to know its place. It is then instructed in the arts of dependence to and servitude and eventually turned loose prey upon the world as a bootblack or scullery maid. Orthodox, n. An ox wearing the popular religious yoke. Orthography, n. The light science of spelling the eye instead of the ear. by Advocated with more heat than to every asylum for the insane. by the outmates of They have had concede a few things since the time of — 241 Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those to be conceded hereafter. A spelling reformer indicted cicted. For fudge was before the court The judge said "Enough His candle we'll snough, : And his sepulchre shall not be whicted." Ostrich, sins, n. A large bird to which (for its doubtless) nature has denied that hinder toe in which so many pious naturalists have seen a conspicuous evidence of design. The absence of a good working pair of wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out, the ostrich does not fly. Otherwise, adv. No better. Outcome, «. ment. By in A particular type of disappointthe kind of intelligence that sees an exception a proof of the rule the wisof an act is judged by the outcome, the result. This is immortal nonsense the wis- dom ; be judged by the light that the doer had when he performed it of an act is dom to Outdo, v. t. To make an enemy. 242 OUT-OF-DoORS, n. That part of one's environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. spire poets. I Chiefly useful to in- climbed to the top of a mountain one day To see the sun setting in glory, And I Of a thought, as I looked at his vanishing ray, perfectly splendid story. 'Twas about an old man and the ass he bestrode Till the strength of the beast was o'ertested; Then the man would carry him miles on the road Till Neddy was pretty well rested. The moon rising solemnly Of the hills to the east Like a visible over the crest of my station Displayed her broad disk to the darkening west new creation. And I thought of a joke (and I laughed till Of an idle young woman who tarried I cried) About a church-door for a look at the bride. Although 'twas herself that was married. To poets all Nature is pregnant with grand don't understand Ideas —with thought and emotion. I pity the dunces who The speech of earth, heaven and ocean. Stromboli Smith. Ovation, n. In ancient Rome, a definite, 243 formal pageant in honor of one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. lesser "triumph." In modern English the word is improperly used to signify any loose and spontaneous expression of popular homage to the hero of the hour and A place. "I had an ovation!" the actor man said, uncommonly queer, That people and critics by him had been I But thought It led By the ear. The Latin lexicon makes his absurd Assertion as plain as a peg; In "ovum" It we find the true root of the word. means egg. Dudley Spink, Overeat, v. To dine. Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess, Well skilled to overeat without distress! Thy great invention, the unfatal feast, superiority to Beast. Shows Man's John Boop. Overwork, go fishing. n. A dangerous disorder affect- ing high public functionaries who want to 244 Owe, v. To have (and ; to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified not indebtedness, but possession it meant "own," and in the minds of debtors there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and liabilities. Oyster, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the hardihood to eat I without removing its entrails The shells are sometimes given to the poor. Pain, uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune n. An of another. Painting, «. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic. Formerly, painting and sculpture were . combined painted in the same work: the ancients \| \| their statues. The two only present is alliance between the arts that the modern painter chisels his patrons. 245 Palace, n. A is fine and costly residence, par- ticularly that of a great official. The that resid- ence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church Founder field, called a palace; of the as of his religion was known is a or wayside. n. There progress. Palm, A species of tree having several of which the familiar "itching palm" {Palma hominis) is most widely disvarieties, tributed and sedulously cultivated. This noble vegetable exudes a kind of invisible gum, which may be detected by applying bark a piece of gold or silver. The metal will adhere with remarkable tenacity. to the The fruit of the itching palm is so bitter and unsatisfying centage of it is that a considerable per- sometimes given away in as "benefactions," what are known Palmistry, n. The 947th method (according to Mimbleshaw's classification) of obtaining money by false pretences. It consists in "reading character" in the wrinkles made is by closing the hand. altogether false; The pretence not character can really be read very accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submitted plainly 246 spell the sists word "dupe." The imposture it con- in not reading aloud. Pandemonium, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer. When disturbed by his voice the ancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to his pride of distinction. Pantaloons, lar n. A nether habiliment of the The garment is tubuand unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called "trousers" by the enlightened and "pants" by the unworthy. adult civilized male. Pantheism, is «. The doctrine that everything God, in contradistinction to the doctrine is that God everything. Pantomime, is play in which the story told without violence to the language. n. A The least disagreeable form of dramatic action. 247 Pardon^ v. To remit a penalty and restore to a life of crime. To add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude. Passport, inflicted n. A document treacherously upon as a citizen going abroad, expos- ing him an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage. Past, That part of Eternity with some we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which n. small fraction of which the one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sor- row and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential Hope prayer; in the sunshine of the other flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one the knowledge and the dream. — 248 Pastime, tion. bility. n. A device for promoting dejec- Gentle exercise for intellectual de- Patience, guised n. A One minor form of despair, dis- as a virtue. Patriot, n. to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors. Patriotism, n. to the torch of Combustible rubbish ready any one ambitious to illum- inate his name. In Dr. Johnson's is famous due respect first. dictionary patriotism scoundrel. defined as the last resort of a all With it is to an en- lightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that n. the Peace, ing. In international affairs, a period fight- of cheating between two periods of O, what's the loud uproar assailing Mine 'Tis ears without cease? the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing The horrors ol: peace. — 249 Ah, Peace Universal; they woo Would marry it, toD. If only they it knew how to do. to do it 'Twere easy They're working by night and by day On their problem, like moles. Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray. On their meddlesome souls! Ro A mil. Pedestrian, n. The variable (and audible) part of the roadway for an automobile. Pedigree, n. The known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor with a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette. Penitent, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment. Perfection, n. An imaginary state or quality distinguished from the actual by an element known critic. as excellence; an attribute of the The editor of an English magazine hav- ing received a letter pointing out the erron- and style, and signed "Perfection," promptly wrote at the eous nature of his views — 250 foot of the letter: "I don't agree with you," and mailed it to Matthew Arnold. Peripatetic, adj. Walking about. Relating to the philosophy of Artistotle, who, while expounding it, moved from place to place order to avoid his pupil's objections. they knew no more of the matter than he. in needless precaution — A Peroration, al n. The explosion of an oratoric- rocket. It dazzles, but to an observer having the wrong kind of nose its most con- spicuous peculiarity eral kinds of is the smell of the sevin powder used n. preparing it. Perseverance, A lowly virtue whereby all, mediocrity achieves an inglorious success. "Persevere, persevere!" cry the homilists Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl. "Remember the fable of tortoise and hare The one at the goal while the other is where?" Why, back there in Dreamland, renewing his lease Of life, all his muscles preserving the peace, The goal and the rival forgotten alike, And the long fatigue of the needless hike. His spirit a-squat in the grass and the dew Of the dogless Land beyond the Stew, He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place, — A winner of all that is good in a race. Sukker Uffro. 251 Pessimism, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheart- ening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. Philanthropist, (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking n. A rich his pocket. Philistine, n. One whose mind is the creature of its environment, following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment. is He sometimes learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean and always solemn. Philosophy, «. A route of many roads ing from nowhere to nothing. Phcenix, n. lead- The classical prototype of the modern "small hot bird." Phonograph, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises. Photograph, n. A picture painted by the art. sun without instruction in It is a little 252 better than the work of an quite so good as that of a Apache, but not Cheyenne. Phrenology, n. The science of picking the It consists in lois pocket through the scalp. cating and exploiting the organ that one a dupe with. Physician, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well. Physiognomy, n. The art of determining the character of another by the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which is the standard of excellence. "There is no art," says Shakspeare, foolish man, "To read the mind's construction in the face." The physiognomists his portrait scan, And say: "How little wisdom here we trace! He knew So, in his his face disclosed his mind and heart. own defence, denied our art." Lavatar Shunk. Piano, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience. — — 253 Pickaninny, n. The young of the Procyanthropos, or Americanus dominans. It is small, black and charged with political fatalities. Picture, sions of n. representation in two dimensomething wearisome in three, A "Behold great Daubert's picture here on view Taken from Life." If that description's true, I Grant, heavenly Powers, that be taken, too. Jali Hane. Pie, n. An is advance agent of the reaper whose name Cold Indigestion. was highly esteemed by the remains. The in a Funeral Sermon Over a British pie Rev. Dr. Mucker, Nobleman. Cold pie is a detestable American comestible. That's why I'm done or undone So far from that dear London. From the Headstone of a British Nobleman, in Kalamazoo. — — Piety, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, 254 based upon His supposed resemblance to man. The pig is taught by sermons and epistles To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles, Judibras. Pig, n. An animal the {Porcus omnivorus) race by the sticks at closely allied to human its splendor and vivacity of appetite, which, it however, pig- is inferior in scope, for Pigmy, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. distinguish sians The Pigmies are so called to — them from the bulkier Cauca^who are Hogmies. Pilgrim, n. traveler that is taken seriously. Pilgrim Father was one who, leaving Europe in 1620 because not permitted to sing psalms through his nose, followed it to A A Massachusetts, where he could personate God according to the dictates of his con- science. Pillory, n. A mechanical device for inflict- 255 ing personal distinction —prototype its of the of modern newspaper conducted by persons austere virtues and blameless lives. Piracy, n. dles, just Commerce without as God made it. folly-swad- Pitiful^ oneself. adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary encounter with PlTY^ n. A failing sense of exemption, in- spired by contrast. Plagiarism, «. A literary coincidence com- pounded of a discreditable priority and an honorable subsequence. Plagiarize, v. To take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, never read. Plague, n. In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for admonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh the Immune. of to-day have the The plague as we happiness to know it is 256 merely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless objectionableness. Plan^ v. t. To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result. Platitude, n. The fundamental element and special glory of popular literature. thought that snores in words that smoke. A The wisdom of a million fools in the dic- tion of a dullard. artificial rock. All that is A fossil sentiment in A moral without the fable. mortal of a departed truth. A of demi-tasse milk-and-morality. The Pope's-nose of a featherless peacock. jelly-fish A A withering on the shore of the sea of thought. The cackle surviving the egg. desiccated epigram. Platonic, adj. of Socrates. Pertaining to the philosophy Platonic Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability frost. and a Plaudits, n. Coins with which the populace pays those who tickle and devour it. 257 Please^ v. To lay the foundation for a super- structure of imposition. Pleasure, • «. The least hateful form of de- jection. Plebeian, blood of hands. «. An ancient Roman who in the his country stained nothing but his Distinguished from the Patrician, a saturated solution. who was Plebiscite, «. A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign. Plenipotentiary, adj. Having is full power. A Minister Plenipotentiary it. a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition that he never exert Pleonasm, n. An army of words escorting a corporal of thought. Plow, An implement that cries aloud for n. hands accustomed to the pen. v. Plunder, To take the property of another without observing the decent and customary To effect a change of reticences of theft. 258 ownership with the candid concomitance of a brass band. To wrest the wealth of from B and leave C lamenting a vanished A opportunity. Pocket^ is n. The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience. In woman this organ lacking; so she acts without motive, and her conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins of others. Poetry, form of expression peculiar the Land beyond the Magazines. n. A to Poker, for n. A game said to be played with cards to this some purpose unknown. Police, «. lexicographer An armed force for protection and participation. Politeness, risy. n. The most acceptable hypoc- Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading The conduct of for private advantage. as a contest of principles. public aflfairs 259 Politician, «. An eel in the fundamental of mud upon which the superstructure organized society is reared. When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. Polygamy, n. A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted with several stools of repentance, as distinguished from mono- gamy, which has but one. Populist, n. A fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, found in the old red Kansas; characterized by an uncommon spread of ear, which some naturalists contend gave him the soapstone underlying power of flight, though Professors Morse and Whitney, pursuing independent lines of thought, have ingeniously pointed out that had he possessed it he would have gone else- where. period, In the picturesque speech of his fragments of which have come down to us, he was known as "The Matter with Kansas." some 260 Portable, adj. Exposed to a mutable ownership through vicissitudes of possession. His light estate, if neither he did make it, it Nor yet its former guardian forsake it. Is portable improperty, I take W orgum Slupsky. Portuguese, digenous to n. pi. A species of geese in- Portugal. They are mostly edible, without feathers and imperfectly even when stufled with garlic. Positive, adj. voice. Mistaken at the top of one's Positivism, philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and affirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, its broadest Mill and its n. A thickest Spencer. Posterity, n. An appellate court which his reverses the judgment the of a popular author's contemporaries, appellant being obscure competitor. Potable, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is it said to be potable; indeed, some declare 261 our natural beverage, although even they find it palatable only when suffering from the recurrent disorder known as thirst, for which nothing has so great and diligent ingenuity been brought to bear in all ages and in all countries, exit is a medicine. Upon cept the most uncivilized, as upon the invention of substitutes for water. this general aversion to hold that that liquid has no To basis in the preservative instinct of the race is to be unscientific we are as the snakes and without science and toads. — Poverty, for its «. A file provided for the teeth of the rats of reform. The number of plans abolition equals that of the reformers who suffer from it, plus that of the philoit. sophers who know nothing about Its vicall tims are distinguished by possession of the virtues and by their faith in leaders seeking to conduct them into a prosperity where they believe these to be unknown. Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. Pre-Adamite, n. One of an experimental and 262 apparently unsatisfactory race that ante- dated Creation and lived under conditions not easily conceived. Melsius believed them to have inhabited "the Void" and to have been something intermediate between fishes and birds. Little is known of them beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a wife and theologians with a controversy. Precedent, In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of doing as he pleases. As there are precedents for everything, he has only to ignore those that n. make against his interest and accentuate Invention of those in the line of his desire. the precedent elevates the trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to the noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament. Precipitate, adj. Precipitate in Anteprandial. all, this sinner Took action first, and then his dinner. Judibras. Predestination, n. The doctrine that all 263 things occur according to of programme. This doctrine should not be confused with that which means that all things are programmed, but does not affirm foreordination, their occurrence, that being only an implic- ation is entailed. to from other doctrines by which this The difference is great enough have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore. tion of the With the distincin two doctrines kept well mind, and a reverent belief in both, one may hope to escape perdition if spared. Predicament, Predilection, disillusion. n. The wage of consistency. n. The preparatory stage of Pre-EXISTENCE, tion. n. An unnoted factor in crea- Preference,, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the erroneous belief that one thing is better than another. An ancient philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is no better than death, was asked by a disciple why, then, he did 264 not die. It "Because," he replied, "death life." is no better than is longer. Prehistoric, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum. Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood. He lived in a period prehistoric, When all was absurd and phantasmagoric. Born Set later, when Clio, celestial recorder, down great events in succession and order, He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous lies In anything here but the that she threw at us. Orpheus Bowen. Prejudice, visible n. A vagrant opinion without means of support. n. Prelate, A church officer having a superand a fat preferment. ior degree of holiness One of of Heaven's aristocracy. A gentleman God. n. Prerogative, A sovereign's right to do wrong. Presbyterian, the n. One who holds the con- viction that the governing authorities of Church should be called presbyters. : — 265 Prescription, «. A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient. Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope. Presentable, the Hideously appareled after and place. In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions of ceremony if he have his abdomen painted a bright blue and wear a cow's tail in New York he may, if it please him, omit the paint, but after sunset he must wear two tails made of the wool of a sheep and dyed black. ad]. manner of the time ; Preside, guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirable result. In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, "He presided at the piccolo." v. To The Headliner, holding the copy in hand, Read with a solemn face "The music was very uncommonly grand The best that was every provided, For our townsman Brown presided — — 266 At the organ with skill and grace." The Headliner discontinued to read, the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed: And, spreading the paper down On "Great playing by President Brown." Orpheus Bowen. Presidency, n. The greased pig in the field politics. game of American President, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom and of whom only — of — it is positively known that bers of their countrymen did not immense numwant any them for President. an honor surely 'tis If that's a greater To have been a simple and undamned spectator. in Behold me a man of mark and note ! Whom An By no elector e'er denied a vote undiscredited, unhooted gent Who might, for all we know, be President acclamation. Cheer, ye varlets, cheer I'm passing with a wide and open ear! Jonathan Fomry. Prevaricator, state. «. A liar in the caterpillar Price, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for — 267 the wear and it. tear of conscience in demand- ing Primate, «. The head of a church, especially a State church supported by involuntary contributions. The Primate of England is the Archbishop of Canterbury, an amiable old gentleman, who occupies Lambeth Palace when living and Westminster Abbey dead. when Prison, He is commonly of dead. «. A The place punishments and rewards. poet assures us that "Stone walls do not a prison make," but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite is and the moral instructor no garden of sweets. n. Private, A military gentleman with a field-marshal's baton in his knapsack and an impediment Proboscis, n. in his hope. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk. 268 Asked how he knew that an elephant was going on a journey, the illustrious Jo. Miller cast a reproachful look upon his tormentor, and answered, absently: "When it is ajar," and threw himself from a high pro- monotory into the sea. Thus perished in his pride the most famous humorist of antiquity, leaving to mankind a heritage of woe ! No successor worthy of the title has appeared, though Mr. Edward Bok, of The Ladies' Home ter. Journal, is much respected for the purity and sweetness of his personal charac- Projectile^ tional n. The final arbiter in interna- Formerly these disputes by physical contact of the disputants, with such simple arguments as the disputes. were settled — rudimentary logic of the times could supply the sword, the spear, and so forth. With the growth of prudence in military affairs the projectile favor, and is most courageous. it came more and more into now held in high esteem by the Its capital defect is that requires personal attendance at the point of propulsion. Proof, n. Evidence having a shade more of — 269 plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testi- mony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one. n. Proof-reader, for A malefactor who it atones per- making your writing nonsense by mitting the compositor to igible. make unintell- Property, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may be held by A against the cupidity of B. fies Whatever grati- the passion for possession in one and it disappoints in all others. The object of man's brief rapacity and long, indifference. Prophecy, n. The art and practice of selling one's credibility for future delivery. Prospect, n. An outlook, usually forbidding. An expectation, usually forbidden. Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes O'er Ceylon blow your breath, Where every prospect pleases, Save only that of death. Bishop Sheber. Providential, adj. Unexpectedly and con- 270 spicuously beneficial to the person so describing it. Prude, n. A bawd hiding behind the back of her demeanor. Publish, v. In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in a cone of critics. Push, n. One of the two things mainly con- ducive to success, especially in politics. other is Pull. The Pyrrhonism, n. An ancient philosophy, named for its inventor. It consisted of an absolute disbelief in everything but Pyr- rhonism. that. Its modern professors have added Q Queen, ruled n. A woman by whom there is the realm is when it is a king, and through not. whom Quill, ruled when there is n. An implement of torture yielded by 271 a goose and commonly wielded by an ass. This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its modern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting Presence. Quiver, «. A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments. He extracted from his quiver, this controversial fitted Did Roman, An To argument well addressed it the question as submitted, to Then the liver, Of the unpersuaded foeman. Oglutn P. Boomp. Quixotic, Quixote. adj. Absurdly chivalric, like Don and is An insight into the beauty excellence of this incomparable adjective unhappily denied fortune to is to him who has the mis- know that the gentleman's name pronounced Ke-ho-tay. When ignorance from out our lives can banish 'tis Philology, folly to know Spanish. Juan Smith. Quorum, «. A sufficient number of members body to of a deliberative have their own — 272 way and their own way of having it. In the United States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on Finance and a messenger from the White House in ; the House of Representatives, devil. of the Speaker and the Quotation^ n. The act of repeating erron- eously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated. Intent on making his quotation truer, He sought the page infallible of Brewer, a solemn eternally. Then made Condemned vow that he ah, Ah, me, would be me! Stumpo Gaker. Quotient^ times a «. A of sum number showing how many money belonging to one per- son is contained in the pocket of another usually about as there. many times as it can be got R Rabble, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority tempered by fraudulent elections. The rabble is like the sacred 273 Simurgh, of Arabian fable omnipotent on it do nothing. (The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent in our tongue, but means, as nearly as may condition that be, "soaring swine.") — Rack, n. An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth. As a call to the unconverted the rack never had light any particular efficacy, and popular esteem. is now held in Rank, n. Relative human worth. He elevation in the scale of held at court a rank so high other noblemen asked why. 'twas That His "Because," answered, "others lack skill to scratch the royal back." Aramis Jukes. Ransom, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, nor can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of in- vestments. Rapacity, The Providence without industry. thrift of power. «. 274 Rarebit, n. A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point out that it it is not a rabbit. To whom the is may be solemnly explained that comestible known as toad-in-a-hole really not a toad, is and that riz-de-veau a la financiere not the smile of a calf prepared after the recipe of a she banker. Rascal, aspect. n. A fool considered under another Rascality, n. Stupidity militant. ity of a clouded intellect. The activ- Rash, vice. adj. Insensible to the value of our ad- "Now lay your bet with mine, nor let These gamblers take your cash." "Nay, this child makes no bet." "Great snakes! How can you be so rash?" Booth p. Gish. Rational, tion. adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflec- Rattlesnake, n. Our prostrate brother, Homo ventrambulans. : — 275 Razor, n. An instrument used by the Caucaa sian to enhance his beauty, golian to make by the Monguy of himself, and by the worth. Afro-American to affirm his Reach, hand. n. The radius of action of the human The area within which it is possible to gratify directly the pro- (and customary) pensity to provide. This is a truth, as old as the life hills, That and experience teach suffers that keenest of ills, The poor man An impediment in his reach. G.J. Reading, reads. n. The general body of what one In our country it consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and humor in slang. We know by one's reading His learning and breeding; By what draws his laughter know his Hereafter. We Read nothing, laugh never The Sphinx was less clever! Jupiter Muke. Radicalism, n. The conservatism of to-mor- row injected into the affairs of to-day. 276 Radium, with. n. A mineral that gives off heat and is stimulates the organ that a scientist a fool Railroad^ n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get we this are to where we are away from where no better off. For is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great expedition. purpose the railroad Ramshackle, the adj. Pertaining to a certain order of architecture, otherwise known as Normal American. Most of the public buildings of the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Re- cent additions to the White House the in Wash- ington are Theo-Doric, ecclesiastic order of the Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a brick. Realism, is «. The art of depicting nature as it seen by toads. The charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a measuring-worm. Reality, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. 277 That which would remain of a in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus vacuum. Apparently. Really, adv. Rear, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress. Reason, v. i. To weigh probabilities in the scales of desire. Reason, n. Propensitate of prejudice. adj. Reasonable, of our Accessible to the infection own opinions. Hospitable to persua- sion, dissuasion and evasion. Rebel, n. A v. proponent of a new misrule it. who has failed to establish Recollect, To recall with additions some- thing not previously known. Reconciliation, ies. n. A suspension of hostilit- An armed truce for the purpose of digging up the dead. 278 Reconsider, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made. Recount, against n. throw of the In American politics, another dice, accorded to the player they are loaded. dejection whom n. Recreation, A particular kind of to relieve a general fatigue. Recruit, civilian n. A person distinguishable from a by his uniform and from a soldier by his gait. Fresh from the farm or factory or street, His marching, in pursuit or in retreat, Were an impressive martial spectacle Except for two impediments — his feet. Thompson Johnson, Rector, n. In the Church of England, the Third Person of the parochial Trinity, the Curate and the Vicar being the other two. Redemption, Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, through their murn. der of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption, is the fundamental mystery of our holy religion, and 279 whoso believeth have everlasting derstand it. in it shall not perish, but life in which to try to un- We And must awake Man's spirit from its sin, take some special measure for redeeming indeed the task to get it it; Though hard in Among the angels any way but teaming it, Or purify it otherwise than steaming it. I'm awkward at Redemption —a beginner: My method is to crucify the sinner. Golgo Br one. Redress, n. Reparation without satisfaction. Among the Anglo-Saxons a subject con- ceiving himself wronged by the king was permitted, on proving his injury, to beat a brazen image of the royal offender with a switch that was afterward applied to his own naked back. The latter rite was performed by the public hangman, and it assured moderation in the plaintiff's choice of a switch. Red-skin, outside. n. is A North American Indian, whose skin not red — at least not on the — 280 Redundant, trop. adj. Superfluous; needless; de The Sultan said: "There's evidence abundant To prove this unbelieving dog redundant." To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive, Replied: "His head, at least, appears excessive." Habeeb Suleiman. Mr. Debs is a redundant citizen. Theodore Roosevelt. Referendum, n. A law for submission of proto a posed legislation popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion. Reflection, n. An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the perils that encounter. we shall not again Reform, n. A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to reformation. Refuge, one Anything assuring protection to Moses and Joshua provided six cities of refuge— Bezer, Golan, Ramoth, Kadesh. Schekem and Hebron to which oae who had taken life inadvertently could n. in peril. — ; 281 flee when hunted by relatives of the de- ceased. him with wholesome This admirable expedient supplied exercise and enabled them to enjoy the pleasures of the chase; whereby the soul of the dead man was appropriately honored by observances akin to the funeral games of early Greece. Refusal, Denial of something desired; as an elderly maiden's hand in marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to a rich corporation, by an alderman absolution to an impenitent king, by a priest, and so forth. Refusals are graded in a descending scale of finality thus: the refusal n. absolute, the refusal conditional, the refusal tentative is called by and the refusal feminine. The last some casuists the refusal assen- tive. Regalia, «. Distinguishing insignia, jewels and costume of such ancient and honorable orders as Knights of Adam Visionaries of Delectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes; the League of Holy Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the Genteel Society of Expurgated Hoodlums; the Mystic Alliance of Gorg; ; 282 eous Regalians; Knights and Ladies of the Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sons of the West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable Stuff; Warriors of the Long Bow; Guardians of the Great Horn Spoon; the Band of Brutes; the Impenitent Order of WifeBeaters; the Sublime Legion of Flamboyant Conspicuants Worshipers at the Elec; troplated Shrine; Shining Inaccessibles Fee-Faw-Fummers Jannissaries of the of the Inimitable Grip Broad-Blown Peacock; Plumed ple; Increscencies of the Magic TemAbie-Bodied of the Grand Cabal ; of Sedentarians Associated Deities the Butter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the Affectionate Fraternity of Men Similarly Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies of Horror; Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of Eden; Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith Knights-Champions of the Domestic Dog; the Holy Gregarians; the Resolute ; Optimists the Ancient Sodality of Inhospit; able Hogs; Associated Sovereigns of Mendacity; Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess- Pool; the Society for Prevention of Prevalence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation of Gents-Consequential; the Mysterious 283 Order of the Undecipherable Scroll; Uniformed Rank of Lousy Cats; Monarchs of Worth and Hunger; Sons of the South Star; Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword. Religion, n. A explaining to daughter of Hope and Fear, Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. "What is your religion my son?" inquired the Archbishop of Rheims. "Pardon, monseigneur," replied Rochebriant; "I am ashamed of it." "Then why do you not become an atheist?" "Impossible! atheism." I should be ashamed of "In that case, monsieur, you should join the Protestants." Reliquary, w. A receptacle for such sacred the lung objects as pieces of the true cross, short-ribs of saints, the ears of Balaam's ass, of the cock that called Peter to repentance and so forth. Reliquaries are commonly of metal, and provided with a lock to prevent the contents from coming out and performing miracles at unseasonable times. A feather from the wing of the Angel of the 284 Annunciation once escaped during a sermon in Saint Peter's and so tickled the noses of the congregation that they woke and sneezed with great vehemence three times each. It is related in the "Gesta Sanctorum" that a sacristan in the Canterbury cathedral surprised the head of Saint Dennis in the library. Reprimanded by its stern custodian, it explained that it was seeking a body This unseemly levity so enraged the diocesan that the offender was publicly anathematized, thrown into the Stour and replaced by another head of Saint Dennis, brought from Rome. of doctrine. Renown^ degree of distinction between fame a little more supportable than the one and a little more intolerable than the other. Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly and inconsiderate hand. n. A notoriety and — I touched the harp in every key, But found no heeding ear; And then With a Not all Ithuriel touched me 'tis, revealing spear. genius, great as my Could urge me out of night. I felt the faint appulse of his, And leapt into the light! fF. J. Candleton. 285 Reparation, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it. Repartee, n. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to offend. of the In a war of words, the North American Indian. tactics Repentance, fest in a n. The faithful attendant is and not follower of Punishment. It usually maniis degree of reformation that inconsistent with continuity of sin. Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell, You How needless!—Nick will will repent and join the Church, Parnell? keep you off the coals And add you to the woes of other souls. Jamater Abemy. Replica, n. A reproduction of a work of art, is by the artist that made the original. it It so called to distinguish from a "copy," which is made by another artist. When the two are made with equal skill the replica is the more valuable, for it is supposed to be more beautiful than it looks. 286 Reporter, words. "More Whose n. A writer who it guesses his way to the truth and dispels with a tempest of dear than 'lips all my bosom knows, O thou are sealed' and will not disavow!" So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew Beneath his hand the leg-long "interview." Barson Repose, v. i. Maith. To cease from troubling. politics, Representative, n. In national a member of the Lower House in this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next. Reprobation, luckless In theology, the state of a «. mortal prenatally damned. The doctrine of reprobation was taught by Cal- vin, whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of his conviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, others are predestined to salvation. Republic, n. A nation in which, the thing governing and the thing governed being the same, there is only a permitted authority to enforce an optional obedience. In a republic — — 287 the foundation of public order ancestors is the ever from who, being truly governed, submitted because they had to. There are as lessening habit of submission inherited many tions kinds of republics as there are grada- came and between the despotism whence they the anarchy whither they lead. Requiem, n. minor poets A mass for the dead which the assure us the winds sing o'er the graves of their favorites. Sometimes, by way of providing a varied entertainment, they sing a dirge. Resident, ad]. t. Unable to leave. Resign, v. advantage. To renounce an honor for an To renounce an advantage for Wood kind a greater advantage. 'Twas rumored Leonard had signed A true renunciation Of title, rank and every Of military station Each honorable station. By The his example fired — inclined To To noble emulation, country humbly was resigned Leonard's resignation resignation. His Christian Politian Greame. — 288 Resolute^ approve. adj. Obstinate in a course that we Respectability^ n. The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account Respirator^ nose n. An apparatus fitted over the its andmouth of an inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in passage to the lungs. Respite, to «. A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin, to enable the Executive determine whether the murder may not have been done by the prosecuting attorney. Any break in the continuity of a disagreeable expectation. Altgeld upon his incandescent bed Lay, an attendant demon at his head. "O cruel cook, pray grant roast, Some respite from the me some relief however brief. "Remember how on earth I pardoned all Your friends in Illinois when held in thrall." "Unhappy O'er fire soul! for that alone you squirm unquenched, a never-dying worm. — 289 "Yet, for I pity your uneasy state, I'll Your doom mollify and pains abate. "Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar, are." Not even the memory of who you Throughout eternal space dread silence fell; Heaven trembled as Compassion entered Hell. "As long, sweet demon, let my respite be As, governing down here, I'd respite thee." "As long, poor soul, as any of the pack You thrust from jail consumed in getting back." A genial chill affected Altgeld's hide t'other side. While they were turning him on Joel Spate Woop. Resplendent, adj. Like a simple American citizen beduking himself in his lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things as an elemental unit of a parade. The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in their velvet-and-gold that their masters would hardly have known them. "Chronicles of the Classes." Respond, v. i. To make answer, or disclose calls otherwise a consciousness of having inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer 290 "external coexistences," as Satan "squat responded to the touch of the angel's spear. To respond in damages is to contribute to the maintenance of the plaintiff's attorney and, incidentlike a toad" at the ear of Eve, ally, to the gratification of the plaintiff. Responsibility, Fortune, «. A detachable easily shifted to the shoulders of burden God, Fate, to Luck or it one's neighbor. days of astrology it was customary In the unload upon a star. Alas, things ain't If what we should apple be; see Eve had set let that And many a feller which had ought To Or with monarchses of thought, play some rosy little game With battle-chaps on fields of fame, Is downed by his unlucky star, And hollers: "Peanuts! — here you are!" "The Sturdy Beggar!" Restitution, bequest. n. of universities The founding or endowing and public libraries by gift or Restitutor, n. Benefactor; philanthropist. : 291 Retaliation, n. which is reared n. The natural rock upon the Temple of Law. Retribution, unjust as A rain of fire-and-brimstone upon the just that falls alike and such of the have not procured shelter by eviclines following, ting them. In the addressed to an Emperor in exile by Father Gassalasca Jape, the reverend poet appears to hint his sense of the imprudence of turning about to face Retribution when it is taking exercise What, what Dom Pedro, you desire to go Back to Brazil to end your days in quiet? Why, what assurance have voutwould be so? 'Tis not so long since you were in a riot, ! And your dear subjects showed a will to fly at Your throat and shake you like a rat. You know That empires are ungrateful; are you certain Republics are less handy to get hurt in? Reveille, n. A signal to sleeping soldiers to dream of battlefields no more, but get up and have their blue noses counted. In the American army it is ingeniously called "rev-e-lee," and to that pronunciation our countrymen have pledged their lives, their misfortunes and their sacred dishonor. 292 Revelation, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing. Reverence, n. The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man. Review, v. t. To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it, Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to -.At work upon a book, and so read out of it The qualities that you have first read into it. it) Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. Specifically, in American history, the substitution of the Minwhereby the welfare and happiness of the people were advanced a full half-inch. Revolutions are usually accompanied by a rule of an Administration for that of a istry, considerable effusion of blood, but are ac- counted worth it — this appraisement being made by beneficiaries the mischance to whose blood had not be shed. The French revolution is of incalculable value to the Socialist of to-day; when he pulls the string 293 actuating its bones its gestures are inex- pressibly terrifying to gory tyrants suspected of fomenting law and order. Rhadomancer, n. One who uses a divining- rod in prospecting for precious metals in the pocket of a fool. Ribaldry, «. Censorious language by another concerning oneself. RiBROASTER, n. Censorious language by oneThe word is of self concerning another. classical refinement, and is even said to have been used in a fable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the most fastidious writers of the fifteenth century commonly, indeed, regarded as the founder of the Fastidiotic — School. mystic beverage secretly RiCE-WATER, n. used by our most popular novelists and poets to regulate the imagination and narcotize the comscience. It is A said to be rich in both obtundite and lethargine, and is brewed in a midnight fog by a fat witch of the Dismal Swamp. — 294 — — Rich, adj. Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the property of the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and the luckless. in the That is the view that prevails underworld, where the Brotherhood of Man finds its most logical development and candid advocacy. To denizens of the midworld Riches, «. the word means good and wise. A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my be- loved son, in Rockefeller. whom of toil I am well pleased." John D. The reward The savings Debs. and virtue. J. P. Morgan. of many in the hands of one. Eugene To these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feels that he can add nothing of value. Ridicule, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who quoted truth as utters them. It may it be the for graphic, mimetic or merely rident. Shaftes- bury test is of — having pronounced ridiculous a assertion, many a solemn fallacy has undergone cent- ! 295 uries of ridicule with no abatement of its popular acceptance. What, for example, has been more valorously derided than the doctrine of Infant Respectability? Right, Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have as the right to be a king, the right to do one's neighbor, the right to have n. ; measles, and the like. The first of these rights was once universally believed to be derived directly from the will of God; and this is still sometimes affirmed in part- ibus infidelium outside the enlightened lines of Sir realms of Democracy; as. the well known Abednego Bink, following: By what Whose right, is then, do royal rulers rule? the sanction of their state and pow'r ? He surely were as stubborn as a mule Who, God His uninvited unwilling, could maintain an hour session on the throne, or air His pride securely in the Presidential chair. Whatever is is so by Right Divine; Whate'er occurs, God wills it so. Good land! It were a wondrous thing if His design A fool could baffle or a rogue withstand If so, then God, I say (intending no offence) Is guilty of contributory negligence. : 296 Righteousness, n. A sturdy virtue that was once found among the Pantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of Oque. Some feeble attempts were made by returned missionaries to introduce it into several European countries, but it appears An to have been imperfectly expounded. example of this faulty exposition is found in the only extant sermon of the pious Bishop Rowley, a characteristic passage from which is here given "Now state of righteousness consisteth not merely in a holy rites mind, nor yet in performance of religious It is and obedience to the letter of the law. enough that one be pious and that others also are in the just: not it one must see to state; same end compulsion is a proper means. ill and to this Forasmuch as by his injus- my tice it is injustice may work to another, so still may evil be wrought upon another, the which as manifestly tort. my duty to estop as to forestall mine if own Wherefore I would be righteous if I am bound to restrain my neighbor, by force needful, in all those injurious enterprises from which, through a better disposition and by the help of Heaven, I do myself refrain." Rime, as n. Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse, mostly bad. The verses themselves, distinguished from prose, mostly dull. Usually (and wickedly) spelled "rhyme." 297 Rimer, n. poet regarded with indifference or disesteem. A The rimer quenches his unheeded fires, The sound surceases and the sense expires. Then the domestic dog, to east and west, Expounds the passions burning in his breast. o'er that enchanted land The rising moon Pauses to hear and yearns to understand. Mowbray Myles. RlOT^ n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders. R. I. P. A careless abbreviation of requtescat an indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr. Drigge, however, the letters originally meant nothing more than reductus in pulvis. in pace, attesting Rite, the n. A fixed religious or semi-religious cere- mony by law, precept or custom, with oil it. essential of sincerity carefully squeezed out of Ritualism, n. A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in rectilinear freedom, keeping off the grass. — 298 Road, pass n. A strip of land along which one may to from where it is too tiresome where it is futile to go. be to All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome, Whence, thank the good Lord, at least one leads back home. Borey the Bald. Robber, n. A candid man of affairs. It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling companions lodged at a wayside inn. The surroundings were suggestive, and after supper they agreed to tell robber stories in turn. turn When Voltaire's came he said: "Once there was a Farmer-General of the Revenues." Saying nothing more, he was encouraged to con"That," he said, "is the story." tinue. n. Romance, to the Fiction that owes no allegiance of God Things as They Are. is In the novel the writer's thought tethered to probability, as a domestic horse to the hitching-post, but in romance it ranges at will over the entire region of the imagination free, lawless, immune to bit and rein. Your novelist is a poor creature, as Carlyle might 299 say —a mere reporter. He may invent his characters and plot, but he must not imagine anything taking place that might not occur, albeit his entire narrative is candidly a lie. Why he imposes this hard condition on himself, and "drags at each remove a lengthening chain" of his own forging he can explain in ten thick volumes without illuminating by so much as a candle's ray the black profound of his own ignorance of the matter. There are great novels, for great writers have "laid waste their powers" to write them, but it remains true that far and away the most fascinating fiction that we have is "The Thousand and One Nights." Rope, n. An obsolescent appliance for remind- ing assassins that they too are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in place one's whole life long. It has been largely superseded by a more complex electrical device worn upon another part of the person; and this is rapidly giving place to an apparatus known as the preachment. Rostrum, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In America, a place from which a candidate for office energetic- 300 ally expounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble. Roundhead, called short, n. A member of the Parliamentwar arian party in the English civil — so from his habit of whereas his his long. wearing his hair enemy, the Cavalier, of wore There were other points difference between them, but the fashion in hair was the fundamental cause of quarrel. The Cavaliers were royalists because the king, an indolent fellow, found venient to let his more conhair grow than to wash his it neck. This the Roundheads, who were mostly barbers and soap-boilers, deemed an injury to trade, and the royal neck was therefore the object of their particular indignation. Descendants of the belligerents now strife wear their hair all alike, but the fires of animosity enkindled in that ancient smoulder to this day beneath the snows of British civility. Rubbish, «. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying due south from Boreaplas. 301 Ruin, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in the virtue of maids. Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that prototal abstainers. duce madness in Rumor, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character. Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield, By guard unparried as by flight unstayed, O serviceable Rumor, let me wield Against my enemy no other blade. His be the terror of a foe unseen, His the inutile hand upon the hilt, And mine the deadly tongue, long, slender, keen, Hinting a rumor of some ancient guilt. So shall I slay the wretch without a blow, Spare me to celebrate his overthrow. And nurse my valor for another foe. Joel Buxter. Russian, n. A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. Tartar Emetic. A Sabbath^ n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made ttie world 302 and was arrested on the seventh. Among the Jews observance of the day was enforced by a Commandment of which this in six days is the Christian version: "Remember the it seventh day to make thy neighbor keep wholly." To the Creator it seemed fit and expedient that the Sabbath should be the last day of the week, but the Early Fathers of the Church held other views. So great is the sanctity of the day that even where the Lord holds a doubtful and precarious juris- diction over those who go down it is to (and down into) is the sea reverently recog- nized, as manifest in the following deep- water version of the Fourth ment: Command- Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able, And on the seventh holystone the deck and scrape the cable. Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies the captain with opportunity to attest a pious respect for the divine ordinance. Sacerdotalist, that a n. One who is holds the belief clergyman a priest. Denial of this ; 303 momentous doctrine lenge that tionarians. is is the hardiest chal- now flung into the teeth of the Episcolopian church by the Neo-Dic- Sacrament^ n. A solemn religious ceremony to which several degrees of authority and significance are attached. Rome has seven sacraments, but the Protestant churches, be- ing less prosperous, feel that they can aflford only two, and these of inferior sanctity. Some of the smaller sects have no sacra- ments at all —for which mean economy they will indubitably be damned. Sacred, adj. Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine character; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; asj the Dalai Lama of Thibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon; the Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt; the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that Noah, The The etc. bit All things are either sacred or profane. former to ecclesiasts bring gain latter to the devil appertain. Dumbo Omohundro, 304 Sandlotter, n. A vertebrate mammal hold- ing the political views of Denis Kearney, a notorious demagogue of San Francisco, whose audiences gathered (sandlots) of the town. in the open spaces True off to the tradi- tions of his species, this leader of the proletariat was finally bought by his law- and-order silent enemies, living prosperously and dying impenitently rich. But before his treason he imposed upon California a diction of solecisms. a constitution that was a confection of sin in The similarity be- tween the words "sandlotter" and "sansculotte" is problematically significant, but indubitably suggestive. Safety-Clutch, n. A mechanical device act- ing automatically to prevent the fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to the hoisting apparatus. Once I seen a human ruin In a elevator- well, And his members was bestrewin' fell. All the place where he had And I says, apostrophisin' That uncommon woful wreck: "Your position's so surprisin' That I tremble for your neck !" — — 305 Then that ruin, smilin' sadly impressive, I And "Well, up and spoke: wouldn't tremble badly, been a fortnight broke." For it's Then, for further comprehension Of his attitude, he begs I will focus my attention On his various arms and legs How they all are contumacious; Where they each, respective, lie; How one trotter proves ungracious, alibi. T'other one an These particulars is mentioned For to show his dismal state. Which I wasn't first intentioned To specifical relate. None is worser to be dreaded That I ever have heard tell Than the gent's who there was In that elevator-well. spreaded Now this tale is allegoric It is figurative all, For the well is metaphoric fall. And the feller didn't I opine it isn't moral For a writer-man to cheat, And despise to wear a laurel As was gotten by deceit. 306 For 'tis Politics intended By the elevator, mind, It will boost a person splendid If his talent is the kind. Col. Bryan had the talent And (For the busted man is him) it shot him up right gallant Till his head begun to swim. the rope Then it broke above him to love And Where For he painful come to earth there's nobody him his detrimented worth. Though he's livin' none would know him, Or at leastwise not as such. Moral of this woful oil poem: Porfer Poog. Frequent your safety-clutch. Saint, dead sinner revised and edited. The Duchess of Orleans relates that the n. A irreverent old calumniator, leroi, who in his Marshal Vilyouth had known St. Francis de Sales, said, on hearing saint: "I him called am delighted to hear that is Monof sieur de Sales a saint. He was fond saying indelicate things, and used to cheat In other respects he was a perfect gentleman, though a fool." at cards. 307 Salacity, «. certain literary quality frequently observed in popular novels, especially in those written girls, A who give it another it by women and young name and think they are occupying a that in introducing neglected field of overlooked harvest. letters and reaping an If they have the mis- fortune to live long enough they are tor- mented with a desire to burn their sheaves. Salamander, ing are fire; n. Originally a reptile inhabit- mortal, but now an anthropomorphous ima pyrophile. Salamanders believed to be extinct, the last one of later, still which we have an account having been seen in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc, who exorcised it with a bucket of holy water. Sarcophagus, n. Among the Greeks a coffin which being made of a certain kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property of devouring the body placed in it. The sarcophagus known to modern obsequiograph' ers art. is commonly a product of the carpenter's Satan, n. One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented in sashcloth and axes. 308 an archangel, Satan made himself multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled from Heaven. Half- Being instated as way in in his descent he paused, bent his head at last thought a is moment and went back. "There one favor that it." I should like to ask," said he. "Name "Man, created. I understand, is about to be He will need laws." ! "What, wretch you his appointed adversary, charged from the dawn of eternity with hatred of his soul you ask for the — laws?" "Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make them himself." right to his It make was n. so ordered. Satiety^ The feeling that one has for the its plate after he has eaten contents, madam. Satire, n. An position in author's obsolete kind of literary comwhich the vices and follies of the enemies were expounded with imperfect tenderness. ire In this country satnever had more than a sickly and uncerexistence, tain for the soul of it is wit, wherein we are dolefully deficient, the — 309 for it, like all humor, and sympathetic. Moreover, although Americans are "endowed by their Creator" with abundant vice and humor that we mistake tolerant being folly, it is not generally known that these are reprehensible qualities, wherefore the popularly regarded as a sourspirited knave, and his every victim's outcry for codefendants evokes a national satirist is assent. Hail Satire ! be thy praises ever sung In the dead language of a mummy's tongue, For thou thyself art dead, Thy Had spirit it and damned as well (usefully employed) in Hell. libel. been such as consecrates the Bible hadst not perished by the law of Thou Barney Stims. Satyr^ n. One of the few characters of the Grecian mythology accorded recognition in Hebrew. (Leviticus, xvii, 7.) The was at first a member of the dissolute community acknowledging a loose allegiance to Dionysius, but underwent many transformations and improvements. Not the satyr infrequently he a later confounded with the faun, and decenter creation of the Romans, is , 310 who was goat. less like a man and more like a Sauce, ation «. The one infallible sign of civiliz- and enlightenment. A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven. Saw^ popular saying, or proverb. So called (Figurative and colloquial.) n. A trite because makes its way into a wooden head. Following are examples of old saws fitted it with new teeth. a penny to squander. A A A him penny saved is man is known by the company that he organizes. bad workman quarrels with the that. man who calls A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. Better late than before anybody has invited you. Example is better than following is it. Half a loaf better than a whole one if there b much else 311 Think twice before you speak to a friend in need. What is worth doing somebody to do it. Least said is is worth the trouble of asking soonest disavowed. He laughs best who laughs least. Speak of the Devil and he will hear about it. Of two evils choose to be the least. Strike while your employer has a big contract. Where there's a will there's a won't. SCARAB^US, n. The sacred beetle of the an- cient Egyptians, allied to our familiar "tumble-bug." It was supposed to symbolize immortality, the fact that God knew why Its giving also it its peculiar sanctity. habit of incubating its eggs in a ball of ordure may have commended it to the favor of the priesthood, and may some day assure it an True, equal reverence among ourselves. the American beetle is but the American priest. priest an inferior beetle, is an inferior — 312 SCARABEE, n. The same as scarabagus. He fell by his own hand Beneath the great oak to tree. He'd traveled in a foreign land. He The tried make her understand it dance that's called the Saraband, But he called Scarabee. He had called it so through an afternoon, And Had she, the light of his harem if so might be. smiled and said naught. to see. O the the body was fair All frosted there in the shine o' moon Dead for a Scarabee And a recollection that came too late. O They Fate! buried him where he lay, He And two Gloom sleeps awaiting the Day, In state. Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan, over the grave and then move on. Dead for a Scarabee! Fernando Topple. Scarification, tised A form of penance pracn. by the mediaeval pious. The rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a hot iron, but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if the penitent spared himself no pain nor harmless disfigurement. Scarification, with other crude 313 penances, has faction. now been superseded by beneThe founding of a library or endowa university is ment of than is is said to yield to the penitent a sharper and more lasting pain conferred by the knife or iron, and therefore a surer means of grace. There it are, however, two grave objections taint of justice. to as a penitential method: the good that it does and the Scepter, ally n. A king's staff of office, the sign his authority. It and symbol of a was originsovereign mace with which his jester the admonished terial and vetoed minis- measures by breaking the bones of their proponents. SciMETAR, n. A curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conduct of which certain Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as the incident here related will serve to show. The account is translated from the Japanese of Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thir- teenth century. When demned Court. the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he con- to decapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Soon after the hour appointed for performhis Majesty's surprise to see ance of the rite what was ! 314 calmly approaching the throne the man who should have been at that time ten minutes dead "Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!" shouted the enraged monarch. "Did I not sentence you to stand in the market-place and have your head struck off is it by the public executioner at three o'clock? not now 3:10?" And "Son of a thousand illustrious deities," answered the condemned minister, "all that you say is so true that But your heavenly the truth is a lie in comparison. Majesty's sunny and vitalizing wishes have been pestilWith joy I ran and placed my ently disregarded. unworthy body it in the market-place. The executioner appeared with his bare scimetar, ostentatiously whirled in air, and then, tapping I me lightly upon the neck, strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom I ever a favorite. his am come to pray for justice was upon own dishonorable and treasonous head." "To what boweled regiment of executioners does the black- caitiff belong?" asked the Mikado. "To the gallant Ninety-eight seventh — I know the man. His Hundred and Thirtyname is Sakko- Samshi." "Let him be brought before me," said the Mikado to an attendant, in the Presence. and a half-hour later the culprit stood "Thou bastard son of a three-legged without thumbs!" roared the sovereign thou but lightly tap the neck that thy pleasure to sever?" it hunchback —"why didst should have been "Lord of Cranes and Cherry Blooms," replied the 315 executioner, unmoved, "command him to blow Jijiji his nose with his fingers." Being commanded, trumpeted like Ri laid hold of his nose all and an elephant, expecting to see the severed head flung violently from him. Nothing oc- curred: the performance prospered peacefully to the close, without incident. All eyes were now turned on the executioner, who in had grown Fujiama. as white as the snows on the summit of legs trembled His and his breath came gasps of terror. "Several kinds of spike-tailed brass lions!" he cried; "I am a ruined and disgraced swordsman! I struck the villain feebly because in flourishing the scimetar I had accidentally passed it through my own neck! Father of the Moon, I resign my office." So saying, he grasped his top-knot, and advancing to the throne laid Mikado's feet. lifted off his head, it humbly at the SCRAP-BoOK, n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many persons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containing whatever they happen to read about themOne of selves or employ others to collect. addressed in the lines folthese egotists was lowing, by Agamemnon Melancthon Peters: Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast You Of every keep a record true kind of peppered roast That's made of you; — 316 — Wherein you paste the printed gibes That revel round your name, Thinking the laughter of the scribes Attests your fame; Where all the pictures you arrange That comic pencils trace Your funny figure and your Semitic face strange it me. Wit I have not, Nor art, but there I'll list The daily drubbings you'd have got Pray lend Had God Scribbler, n. a fist. A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to one's own. Scriptures, «. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the all false and profane writings on which are based. other faiths Seal, ity w. A mark impressed upon certain kinds of documents to attest their authentic- and authority. Sometimes it is stamped upon wax, and attached to the paper, sometimes into the paper itself. Sealing, in this sense, is a survival of an ancient custom of inscribing important papers with cabalistic 817 words or signs to give them a magical efficacy independent of the authority that they represent. In the British museum are pre- served antic many ancient papers, mostly of a sacerdotal character, validated by necrom- pentagrams and other devices, frequently initial letters of words to conjure with; and in many instances these are attached in the same way that seals are appended now. As nearly every reasonless and apparently meaningless custom, rite or observance of modern times had origin in some remote utility, it is pleasing to note an example of ancient nonsense evolving in the process of ages into something really useful. Our word "sincere" is derived from sine cero, without wax, but the learned are not in agreement as to whether this refers to the absence of the cabalistic signs, or to that of the wax with which letters were formerly closed from public scrutiny. Either view of the matter will serve one in The immediate need of an hypothesis. initials L. S., natures of sigillis, commonly appended to siglegal documents, mean locum the place of the seal, although the seal is no longer used —an admirable ex- ample of conservatism distinguishing Man — 318 from the beasts that perish. The words locum sigillis are humbly suggested as a suitable motto for the Pribyloff Islands shall take their place as a whenever they sovereign State of the American Union. Seine, kind of net for effecting an involn. untary change of environment. For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women are A more easily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted with small, cut stones. The devil casting a seine of lace, (With precious stones 'twas weighted) Drew it into the landing place And its contents calculated. All souls of women were in that sack A draft miraculous, precious! But ere he could throw it across his back They'd all escaped through the meshes. Baruch de Loppis. Self-esteem, n. An erroneous appraisement. Self-evident, adj. to Evident to one's self and nobody else. Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. 319 Senate, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors. Serial, work, usually a story that is not true, creeping through several issues of a newspaper or magazine. Frequently appended to each instalment is a "synopsis of preceding chapters" for those who have not read them, but a direr need is a synopsis of succeeding chapters for those who do not intend to read them. synopsis of the entire work would be still better. n. A literary A The tion late a serial tale for a with a James F. Bowman was writing weekly paper in collaboragenius whose name has not come down ment and to us. They wrote, not jointly but alternately, Bowman supplying the instal- for one week, his friend for the next, world without end, they hoped. Unfortunately they quarreled, and one Monday morning when Bowman read the paper to prepare himself for his task, he found his work cut out for him in a way to His collaborator surprise and pain him. embarked every character of the narhad rative on a ship and sunk them all in the so on, deepest part of the Atlantic. — ; 320 Severalty, eralty, i. n. e., Separateness, as, lands in sev- joint ownership. lands held individually, not in Certain tribes of Indians be sufficiently civilized to have in severalty the lands that they have hitherto held as tribal organizations, and are believed to now could not sell to the Whites for waxen beads and potato whiskey. Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind Saw death before, hell and the grave behind Whom thrifty settlers ne'er besought to stay their appointed prey; His small belongings Whom His fire Dispossession, with alluring wile, little Persuaded elsewhere every while! unquenched and his undying worm last, By Are "land in severalty" (charming term!) cooled and killed, respectively, at And he to his new holding anchored fast! Sheriff, duties, States, n. In America the chief executive officer of a county, whose most characteristic in some of the Western and Southern are the catching and hanging of rogues. John Elmer Pettibone Cajee (I write of him with little glee) Was just as bad as he could be. — 321 'Twas frequently remarked: "I swon! The sun has never looked upon as So bad a man Neighbor John." A sinner through and through, he had fault: it This added made him mad bad. To know another man was In such a case he thought it right To rise at And any hour of night quench that wicked person's light. Despite the town's entreaties, he Would hale him to the nearest tree And leave him swinging wide and free. Or sometimes, if the humor came, A luckless wight's reluctant frame Was given to the cheerful flame. While it was turning nice and brown, All unconcerned John met the frown Of that austere and righteous town. "How An sad," his neighbors said, "that he So scornful of the law should be anar c, h, i, s, t." (That is the way that they preferred To utter the abhorrent word, it So strong the aversion that stirred.) — 322 "Resolved," they said, continuing, "That Badman John must cease this thing Of having his unlawful fling. "Now, by these sacred relics" Each man had out a souvenir Got at a lynching yesteryear "By —here these we swear he shall forsake His ways, nor cause our hearts to ache By sins of rope and torch and stake. "We'll tie his red right hand until He'll have small freedom to fulfil The mandates of his lawless will." So, in convention then and there. They named him Sheriff. said, The J. affair Was opened, it is with prayer. Milton Sloluck. Siren, n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave. Figuratively, any lady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointing performance. Slang, n. The grunt of the human hog [Pignoramus intolerabilis) with an audible ; — 323 memory. The speech of one who utters with his tongue what he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in accomplishing the feat of a parrot. A means wit (under Providence) of setting up without a capital of sense. as a Smithareen, w. a fragment, a decomponent is part, a remain. The word used variously, but in the following verses on a noted female reformer who opposed bicycle-riding by women because it "led them to the devil" it is seen at its best: without a sound high revel; The wheels go round The maidens hold True spinsters spin In sinful mood, insanely gay, adown the way From duty to the devil! They laugh, they sing, and Their bells — ting-a-Hng! go all the morning Their lanterns bright bestar the night Pedestrians a-warning. With lifted hands Miss Charlotte Good-Lording and O-mying, Her rheumatism forgotten quite, stands, Her fat with anger frying. She blocks the path that leads to wrath. Jack Satan's power defying. ! 324 The wheels go round without a sound The lights burn red and blue and green. What's this that's found upon the ground? Poor Charlotte Smith's a smithareen John William Yope. Sophistry, n. The controversial method of an opponent, distinguished from one's own by This superior insincerity and fooling. later Sophists, a Gremethod is that of the cian sect of philosophers who began by teaching wisdom, prudence, science, art and, in brief, whatever men ought to know, but lost themselves in a maze of quibbles and a fog of words. His bad opponent's "facts" he sweeps away, And drags his sophistry to light of day; Then swears they're pushed to madness who resort To Not falsehood of so desperate a sort. so; like sods lies upon a dead man's breast, He most lightly who the least is pressed. Polydore Smith. Sorcery, n. The ancient prototype and forerunner of political influence. It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes was punished by torture and death. Augustine Nicholas relates that a poor peasant 325 been accused of sorcery was put to the torture to compel a confession. After enduring a few gentle agonies the suffering simpleton admitted his guilt, but naively asked his tormentors if it were not possible to be a sorcerer without knowing it. who had Soul, n. A spiritual entity concerning which Plato held that those souls which in a previous state of existence (antedating Athens) had obtained the clearest glimpses of eternal truth entered into the bodies of persons who became philosophers. Plato was himself a philosopher. there hath been brave disputation. The souls that had least con- templated divine truth animated the bodies of usurpers and despots. Dionysius I, who had threatened to decapitate the broadbrowed philosopher, was a usurper and despot. Plato, doubtless, was not the first to construct a system of philosophy that could be quoted against his enemies; certainly he was not the last. "Concerning the nature of the soul," saith the renowned author of Diversiones Sanctorum, "there hath been hardly more argu- ment than that of its place in the body. Mine own belief is that the soul hath her seat in the 326 abdomen ligible, — in which faith we may is dis- cern and interpret a truth hitherto unintel- namely that the glutton of all men most devout. He is 'make a god of his belly' ^why, then, should he not be pious, having ever his Deity with him to freshen his faith? Who so well as he can know the might and majesty that he shrines? Truly and soberly, the soul and the stomach are one Divine said in the Scripture to — Entity; and such was the belief of sius, Promait who nevertheless erred in denying immortality. He had observed that its visi- ble and material substance failed and de- cayed with the rest of the body after death, but of its immaterial essence he knew nothing. This is what we call the Appetite, and it survives the wreck and reek of mortality, be rewarded or punished in another world, according to what it hath demanded The Appetite whose coarse in the flesh. to clamoring was for the unwholesome viands market and the public refectory shall be cast into eternal famine, whilst that which firmly though civilly insisted on of the general ortolans, caviare, terrapin, anchovies, path de foie gras and bles shall flesh all such Christian comesti- its spiritual tooth in the souls 327 them forever and ever, and wreak its upon the immortal parts of the rarest and richest wines ever quaffed here below. Such is my religious faith, though I grieve to confess that neither His Holiness the Pope nor His Grace the Archbishop of of divine thirst Canterbury (whom I equally and profoundly revere) will assent to its dissemination." Spooker, n. A writer whose imagination conOne of the is cerns itself with supernatural phenomena, especially the doings of spooks. most illustrious spookers of our time Mr. a William D. Howells, who introduces well-credentialed reader to as respectable and mannerly a company of spooks as one could wish to meet. To the terror that invests the chairman of a district school board, the Howells ghost adds something of the mystery enveloping a farmer from another township. Story, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the stories here following has, however, not been successfully impeached. One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of 328 New York, found himself seated at dinner alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, critic. the dis- tinguished "Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, The Biography of a Dead Cow, is published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its authorship. Yet in reviewing it you speak of Century. "I it as the work of the Idiot of the fair criticism?" Do you think that very sorry, sir," replied the critic, it did not occur to me that you really might not wish the public to amiably, "but am know who wrote Mr. it." Morrow, who used to live in was addicted to writing ghost stories which made the reader C. W. San Jose, California, stream of lizards, fresh from the were streaking it up his back and hiding in his hair. San Jose was at that time believed to be haunted by the visible spirit of a noted bandit named Vasquez, who had been hanged there. The town was not very well lighted, and it is putting it mildly to say that San Jose was reluctant to be out o' nights. One particularly dark night two gentlemen were abroad in the loneliest spot feel as if a ice, within the city limits, talking loudly to keep 329 when they came upon Mr. Owen, a well-known journalist. J. J. "Why, Owen," said one, "what brings you here on such a night as this? You told up their courage, me that this is one of Vasquez' favorite are a believer. haunts! And you Aren't you afraid to be out?" dear fellow," the journalist replied with a drear autumnal cadence in his speech, like the moan of a leaf-laden wind, "I am afraid to be in. I have one of Will Morrow's stories in my pocket and I don't dare to go where there is light enough to read it." "My Rear-Admiral Schley and Representative Charles F. Joy were standing near the Peace Monument, in Washington, discussing the question. Is success a failure? sentence, exclaiming: "Hello! Mr. Joy sud- denly broke off in the middle of an eloquent I've heard before. Santlemann's, I think." that band "I don't hear any band," said Schley. Joy; "but I see General Miles coming down the avenue, and that pageant always affects me One has in the same way as a brass band. to "Come to think, I don't either," said scrutinize one's impressions pretty — 330 closely, or one will mistake their origin." the While Admiral was digesting this hasty meal of philosophy General Miles passed in review, a spectacle of impressive dignity. When the tail of the seeming pro- had passed and the two observers had recovered from the transient blindness caused by its effulgence cession seems to be enjoying himself," said the Admiral. "There is nothing," assented Joy, thoughtfully, "that "He he enjoys one-half so well." The illustrious statesman. Champ Clark, once lived about a mile from the village of Jebigue, in Missouri. One day he rode into town on a favorite mule, and, hitching the beast on the sunny side of a street, in front of a saloon, he went inside in his character of teetotaler, to apprise the barkeeper that wine day. is a mocker. It Pretty soon a was a dreadfully hot neighbor came in and seeing Clark, said: "Champ, it is not right to leave that mule He'll roast, sure! out there in the sun. he was smoking as I passed him." "O, he's all right," said Clark, lightly; ''he's an inveterate smoker." 331 took a lemonade, but shook his head and repeated that it was not right. The neighbor He was a conspirator. There had been around a fire the night before: a stable just number of horses had put on their immortality, among them a young colt, which was roasted to a the corner had burned and a the boys had turned Mr. Clark's mule loose and substituted the mortal part of the colt. Presently rich nut-brown. of Some another man entered the saloon. "For mercy's sake!" he said, taking it with sugar, "do remove that mule, barkeeper: it smells." "Yes," interposed Clark, "that animal has the best nose in Missouri. But if he doesn't mind, you shouldn't." In the course of human events Mr. Clark went out, and there, apparently, lay the incinerated and shrunken remains of his charger. The boys did not have any fun out of Mr. Clark, who looked at the body and, with the non-committal expression to which he owes so much of his political preBut walking home ferment, went away. late that night he saw his mule standing silent and solemn by the wayside in the misty moonlight. Mentioning the name of — 332 Helen Blazes with uncommon emphasis, Mr. Clark took the back track as hard as ever he could hook it, and passed the night in town. General H. H. Wotherspoon, president of the Army War College, has a pet rib- nosed baboon, an animal of uncommon inRetelligence but imperfectly beautiful. turning to his apartment one evening, the General was surprised and pained to find Adam named, the general being a Darwinian) sitting up for him and wearing its master's best uniform coat, epaulettes and all. "You confounded remote ancestor!" thundered the great strategist, "what do you mean by being out of bed after taps? and with my coat on I" Adam rose and with a reproachful look got down on all fours in the manner of his (for so the creature is kind and, scuffling across the room to a table, returned with a visiting-card: General Barry had called and, judging by an empty champagne bottle and several cigarstumps, had been hospitably entertained while waiting. The general apologized to his faithful progenitor and retired. The ; 333 next day he met General Barry, who said: "Spoon, old man, when leaving you last evening I forgot to ask you about those excellent cigars. Where do you get them?" General Wotherspoon did not deign to reply, but walked away. "Pardon me, please," said Barry, moving after him; "I was joking of course. Why, I knew it was not you before I had been in room n. the fifteen minutes." Success, The one unpardonable In literature, sin against one's fellows. and particuset larly in poetry, the elements of success are exceedingly simple, and are admirably forth in the following lines by the reverend Father Gassilasca Jape, entitled, for some mysterious reason, "John A. Joyce." The bard who would prosper must carry a book, Do his thinking in prose and wear A crimson And Be If cravat, a far-away look a head of hexameter hair. thin in your thought and your body'll be fat you wear your hair long you needn't your n. hat. Suffrage, Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, as commonly interpreted, the right to 334 vote for the man of another man's choice, and the is highly prized. Refusal to do so has incivilian, bad name of "incivism." The however, cannot be properly arrainged for his crime, for there is no legitimate accuser. If the accuser is himself guilty he has no standing in the court of opinion; if not, he profits by the crime, for A's abstention from voting gives greater weight to the vote of B. By female suffrage is meant the right of a woman to vote as some man tells her to. It is based on female responsibility, which is somewhat to limited. The woman most jump back into it eager jump out is of her petticoat to assert her to rights first when threatened with a switching for misusing them. Sycophant, n. One who approaches Greaton his belly so that he may not be comness manded to turn and be kicked. He is some- times an editor. As the lean leech, fix itself its its victim found, is pleased To upon a part diseased Till, black hide distended with bad blood, It drops to die of surfeit in the mud, applies, So the base sycophant with joy descries His neighbor's weak spot and his mouth — ; 33S Gorges and prospers Unlike that Gelasma, reptile, like the leech, although, let go. he will not if it paid you to devote Your talent to the service of a goat, Showing by forceful logic that its beard Is more than Aaron's fit to be revered If to the task of honoring its smell Profit had prompted you, and love as well. The world would benefit at last by you And wealthy malefactors weep anew Your favor for a moment's space denied to the nobler object turned aside. And Is't not enough that thrifty millionaires Who loot To in freight and spoliate in fares, Or, cursed with consciences that bid them fly safer villainies of darker dye. fain, instead, Forswearing robbery and To steal May see And Still (they call it "cornering") our bread their boots to lick you groveling begging for the favor of a kick? must you follow in to the bitter end Your sycophantic disposition's trend, And your eagerness to please the rich sinners to their final ditch ? Hunt hungry In Morgan's praise you smite the sounding wire. And sing hosannas to great Havemeyer! What's Satan done that him you should eschew ? you. He too is reeking rich —deducting Syllogism, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor assumption and an inconsequent. (See LOGIC.) 336 Sylph, immaterial but visible being that inhabited the air when the air was an element and before it was fatally polluted n. An by factory smoke, sewer gas and similar products of civilization. Sylphs were allied to gnomes, nymphs and salamanders, which dwelt, respectively, in earth, water and fire, all now air, insalubrious. Sylphs, like fowls of to the were male and female, if no purpose, apparently, for they had progeny they must have nested in inaccessible places, none of the chicks having ever been seen. Symbol, «. Something that is supposed to typify or stand for something else. symbols are mere "survivals" things which having no longer any utility continue to exist to — Many because we have inherited the tendency make them; as funereal urns carved on memorial monuments. They were once real urns We holding the ashes of the dead. cannot stop making them, but we can give them a lessness. name that conceals our help- Symbolic, adj. Pertaining to symbols and the use and interpretation of symbols. They say 'tis conscience feels compunction; 337 I hold that that's the stomach's function, For of the sinner I have noted bloated, somewhat some other ghastly fashion Within that bowel' of compassion. True, I believe the only sinner he's sinned he's That when Or ill Is he that eats a shabby dinner. You know how Adam with good reason. For eating apples out of season, Was "cursed." But that is all symbolic: The truth is, Adam had the colic. G.J. T, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the Greeks absurdly called tau. In the alphabet whence ours comes it had the form of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood alone (which was more than the Phoenicians could always do) signified Tallegal, translated by the learned Dr. Brownrigg, "tanglefoot." Table d' h6te, n. A caterer's thrifty conces- sion to the universal passion for irresponsibility. Old Paunchinello, freshly wed. P. to table. Took Madame 338 And As there deliriously fed fast as he was able. "I dote upon good grub," he cried, Intent upon its throatage. "Ah, yes," said the neglected bride, "You're in your table d'hotage." Associated Poets. Tail, set n. The part of an animal's spine that its has transcended natural limitations to up an independent existence in a world of its own. Excepting in his foetal state, Man is without a tail, a privation of which he attests an hereditary and uneasy consciousness by the coat-skirt of the male and the train of the female, and by a marked tendency to ornament that part of his attire where the tail should be, and indubitably once was. This tendency is most observable in the female of the species, in whom the ancestral sense tailed are is strong and persistent. The men described by Lord Monboddo now generally regarded as a product of an imagination past. unusually susceptible to influences generated in the golden age of our pithecan Take, v. t. To acquire, frequently stealth. by force but preferably by — Talk, v. t. ; 339 To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse without purpose. Tariff, n. designed on imports, producei against the greed of his consumer. scale A of taxes to protect the domestic The Enemy of Human Souls Sat grieving at the cost of coals; For Hell had been annexed of And was a sovereign Southern "It were no late, State. more than right," said he, fuel free. "That I should get my The duty, neither just nor wise. to Compels me economize one. Whereby my broilers, every Are execrably underdone. What would they have ? —although I yearn To do them nicely tariff to a turn, I can't afford an honest heat. This makes even devils cheat! I'm ruined, and my humble trade All rascals may at will invade: Beneath Outdoes my me nose the public press in sulphureousness The bar ingeniously applies To my undoing my own lies; My medicines the doctors use (Albeit vainly) to refuse To me my fair and rightful prey 340 And The keep their own in shape to pay; preachers by example teach to perform, I preach; What, scorning And statesmen, aping me, all make More promises than they can break. Against such competition I Lift up a disregarded cry. Since all ignore my just complaint, By Hokey- Pokey! I'll turn saint!" Now, the Republicans, who all Are saints, began at once to bawl devil of a go! Against his competition; so There was a They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete In acrimonious debate. Till Democrats, forlorn and lone, Had That But hopes of coining by their own. evil to avert, in haste The two belligerents embraced; to relax since 'twere wicked A tittle of Twas the Sacred Tax, finally agreed to grant The bold Insurgent-protestant A bounty on each soul that fell Into his ineffectual Hell. Edam Smith. Technicality, n. In an English court a man His named Home was tried for slander in hav- ing accused a neighbor of murder. exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon — 341 the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder and the other the other shoulder." upon The defendant was side acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference. Tedium, n. is Ennui, the bored. state or condition of fanciful deriva- one that so Many word have been affirmed, but high an authority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very obvious source tions of the the first Deum ral words of the ancient Latin hymn Te Laudamus. In this apparently natuthere is derivation something that saddens. Teetotaler, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally. Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. 342 Telescope, «. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell sum- moning us to the sacrifice. Tenacity, n. A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in politics. The following illustrative lines were written of a Californian gentleman in high political preferment, who has passed to his accounting: Of such tenacity his grip his That nothing from hand can slip. Well-buttered eels you In vain may o'erwhelm In tubs of liquid slippery-elm —from his detaining pinch They cannot That struggle half an inch! is 'Tis lucky that he so planned breath he draws not with his hand, For if he did, so great his greed He'd draw his last with eager speed. Nay, that were well, you say. Not so He'd draw but never let it go! 848 Theosophy, of science. n. An ancient faith having all all the certitude of religion and the mystery holds, incal- with the culable The modern Theosophist Buddhists, that we live an number of times on this earth, in as several bodies, because one life is not long enough for our complete spiritual development; that is, a single lifetime does not suffice for us to become as wise and many good as we choose to wish to become. To be absolutely wise and good that is perfection; and the Theosophist is so keensighted as to have observed that everything desirous of improvement eventually attains perfection. Less competent observers are disposed to except cats, which seem neither wiser nor better than they were last year. The greatest and fattest of recent Theosophists was the late Madame Blavatsky, who had no cat. — Tights, n. An habiliment of the stage tion of the press agent designed to reinforce the general acclamawith a particular publicity. Public attention was once some- what diverted from Lillian Russell's garment refusal to wear this to Miss and it, many were the conjectures as to her motive, 844 the guess of Miss Pauline Hall showing a high order of ingenuity and sustained tion. reflec- was Miss Hall's belief that nature had not endowed Miss Russell with beautiful legs. This theory was impossible of acceptance by the male understanding, but the conception of a faulty female leg was of It so prodigibus originality as to rank among the most brilliant feats of philosophical speculation ! It is strange that in all the con- troversy regarding Miss Russell's aversion to tights no one seems to to have thought to nature of that ascribe it what was known among the ancients as "modesty." The sentiment is now imperfectly understood, and possibly incapable of exposition with the vocabulary that remains to us. of lost arts The study has, however, been recently revived and some of the arts themselves is an epoch of renaissances, ground for hope that the primitive "blush" may be dragged from its hiding-place amongst the tombs of antiquity and hissed on to the stage. recovered. This is and there Tomb, are a n. The House of Indifference. Tombs now by common consent invested with certain sanctity, but when they have been 345 long tenanted it is them open and a considered no sin to break rifle them, the famous Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns, explaining that tomb may be innocently "glened" as soon occupant is done "smellynge," the soul being then all exhaled. This reasonable as its view ity is logists, now generally accepted by archaeowhereby the noble science of Curios- has been greatly dignified. v. Tope, is To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. regarded In the individual, toping with disesteem, but toping pitted against the hard- nations are in the forefront of civilization and power. When drinking Christians the abstemious Ma- hometans go down like grass before the scythe. In India one hundred thousand beef-eating and brandy-and-soda guzzling Britons hold in subjection two hundred and fifty million vegetarian abstainers of the race. With what an easy grace whisky-loving American pushed the temperate Spaniard out of his possessions'! From the time when the Berserkers ravaged same Aryan the the coasts of western Europe and lay drunk in every conquered port it has been the same way: everywhere the nations that all : — 346 drink too much are observed to fight rather well and not too righteously. the estimable old ladies Wherefore justly who abolished the canteen from the American nation's military power. army may boast of having materially augmented the Tortoise, to n. A creature thoughtfully created lines by the supply occasion for the following illustrious Ambat Delaso TO MY PET TORTOISE My Nor friend, gait's Your you are not graceful not at all; between a stagger and a sprawl. — are you beautiful: your head's a snake's at, To look and I do not doubt it aches. As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep. Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep. No, you're not pretty, but A certain firmness —mostly you have, I own, you're backbone. Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews) Are I virtues that the great know how yet, to use wish that they did not; lack You —excuse my mentioning — it on the whole, Soul. — ; 34T So, to be candid, unreserved I'd rather you were I than I and true, were you. Perhaps, however, in a time to be. When Man's Your progeny extinct, a better world may see in power and control, Due So to the genesis and growth of Soul. I salute you as a reptile grand Predestined to regenerate the land. Father of Possibilities, O deign To accept the homage of a dying reign! In the far region of the unforeknown I dream a tortoise upon every throne. his I see an Emperor head withdraw Into his carapace for fear of Law; fat, A King who carries something else than Howe'er acceptably he carries that President not strenuously bent A On punishment of audible dissent never shot Who (it were a vain attack) An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back; Subjects and citizens that feel no need To make the March of Mind a wild stampede; 348 All progress slow, contemplative, sedate. And "Take Tortoise, your time" the word, in Church and State. a happy, happy dream, 'tis My 1 glorious testudinous regime 1 wish in Eden you'd brought slouching in and chasing this about out. By Adam Tree, to . n. A tall vegetable as intended by nature apparatus, though most trees through a miscarriage of justice bear only a negligible fruit, or none at all. serve a penal When ficent naturally fruited, the tree is a .bene- agency of civilization and an importIn the stern West and the sensitive South its fruit (white and black respectively) though not eaten, is agreeable to the public taste and, though not ant factor in public morals. exported, profitable to the general welfare. That the legitimate relation of the tree to justice was no discovery of Judge Lynch (who, indeed, conceded it no primacy over the lamp-post and the bridge-girder) is made plain by the following passage from Morryster, who antedated him by two centuries : While tree, in y londe I I was carryed to see y* Ghogo y' whereof had hearde moch talk; but sayynge : — 349 I villayge saw naught remarkabyll in it, y* hed manne of y* where it grewe made answer as foUoweth "Y^ tree is not nowe in fruite, but in his seasonne shall see you dependynge fr. his braunches all soch as have affroynted y* King his Majesty." And I was furder y"" tolde y* y* worde "Ghogo" sygni- fyeth in tong y' same as "rapscal" in our owne. Trauvelh in y' Easte. Trial, n. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors. In order to effect this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the person of one who is called the defendant, the prisoner, or the accused. If the contrast is is made sufficiently clear this person made to undergo such an affliction as will give the virtuous gentle- men a comfortable sense of their immunity, to that of their is added worth. In our day being, or a the accused socialist, usually a human but in mediaeval times, animals, and insects were brought to trial. beast that had taken human life, or practiced sorcery, was duly arrested, tried and, if condemned, put to death by the public executioner. Insects ravaging grain fishes, reptiles A fields, orchards or vineyards were cited to appeal by counsel before a civil tribunal, 350 and after testimony, argument and condemnation, if they continued in contumaciam the matter was taken to a high ecclesiastical court, where they were solemnly excommunicated and anathematized. In a street of Toledo, some pigs that had wickedly run between the viceroy's legs, upsetting him, were arrested on a warrant, tried and punished. In Naples an ass was condemned to be burned at the stake, but the sentence appears not to have been executed. D'Addosio relates from the court records many trials of pigs, bulls, horses, etc., cocks, dogs, goats, greatly, it is believed, to the betterment of their conduct and morals. 145 1 a suit was brought against the leeches infesting some ponds about Berne, In and the Bishop of Lausanne, instructed by the faculty of Heidelberg University, directed that some of "the aquatic worms" be brought before the local magistracy. This was done and the leeches, both present and absent, were ordered to leave the places that they had infested within three days on pain of incurring "the malediction of God." In the voluminous records of this cause celebre nothing is found to show whether the offenders braved the punishment, or departed 351 forthwith out of that inhospitable jurisdic tion. Trichinosis, ents of n. The pig's reply to proponill porcophagy. fallen Moses Mendlessohn having for a Christian physician, sent who at once diagnosed the philosopher's disorder as trichinosis, but tactfully gave it another name. "You need an immediate change of diet," he saidj "you must eat six ounces of pork every other day." "Pork?" shrieked the patient "pork? Nothing shall induce me to touch it!" "Do you mean that?" the doctor gravely asked. — "I swear it!" "Good! you." —then In I will undertake to cure Trinity, distinct «. the multiplex theism of certain Christian churches, three entirely deities consistent with only one. faith, Subordinate deities of the polytheistic such as devils dowered with the power of combination, and must urge individually their claims to adoration and angels, are not 352 and propitiation. The Trinity is one of the most sublime mysteries of our holy religion. In rejecting it because it is incomprehensible, Unitarians of betray their inadequate sense theological fundamentals. In religion we believe only what we do not doctrine that understand, except in the instance of an intelligible contradicts that an incomprehensible one. In case we believe the former as a part of the latter. Troglodyte, n. Specifically, a cave-dweller Tree and famous community of troglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam. The colony consisted of "every one that was in distress, and every one that was in debt, and every one that was discontented" in brief, all the Socialists of Judah. of the paleolithic period, after the before the Flat. A — Truce, n. Friendship. Truth, bility n. An ingenious compound of desira- and appearance. Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of existing with increasing activity to the end of time. 353 Truthful, Trust, n. adj. Dumb and illiterate. In American politics, a large cor- poration composed in greater part of thrifty working men, widows small means, orphans in the care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactors and of public enemies. Turkey, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude. eating. Incidentally, it is pretty good Twice, adv. Once Type, n. too often. Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying civilization and enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in parable dictionary. this incom- TzETz6, (or Tsetse) Fly, n. An African is in- sect {Glossina morsitans) whose bite com- monly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedy for insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American novelist [Mendax inferminabilis.) 354 U Ubiquity, all «. The gift or power of being in places at one time, but not in all places at all times, tribute only. which is omnipresence, an atof God and the luminiferous ether This important distinction between ubiquity and omnipresence was not clear to the mediaeval Church and there was much bloodshed about it. Certain Lutherans, who affirmed the presence everywhere of Christ's body were known as Ubiquitarians. For this error they were doubtless damned, for Christ's body is present only in the eucharist, though that sacrament may be performed in more than one place simultaneously. In recent times ubiquity has not always been understood not even by Sir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that a man cannot be in two places at once unless he is a bird. — Ugliness, «. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility. Ultimatum, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions. 355 Having sider it. received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministry met to con- "O servant of the Sheik of Prophet," said the Imperial Chibouk to the the Mamoosh of the Invincible Army, "how many unconquerable soldiers have we in arms?" "Upholder of the Faith," replied after that dignitary "they are in forest!" examining his memoranda, numbers as the leaves of the impenetrable battleships "And how many strike terror to the hearts of all Christian swine?" he asked the Victorious Navy. Imaum of the Ever reply, "Uncle of the Full Moon," was the "deign to stars of know that they are as the waves of the ocean, the sands of the desert and the Heaven !" For eight hours the broad brow of the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk was corrugated with evidences of deep thought: he was calculating the chances of war. Then, "Sons of angels," he said, "the die is cast! I shall suggest to the Ulema of the Imperial Ear that he advise inaction. is In the name of Allah, the council adjourned." 356 Un-American, heathenish. adj. Wicked, intolerable, Unction, oil n. An oiling, or greasing. The rite of extreme unction consists in touching with consecrated by a bishop several parts of the body of one engaged in dying. Marbury had been adminwicked English nobleman it was discovered that the oil had not been properly consecrated and no other could be obtained. When informed of this relates that after the rite istered to a certain the sick man if I said in anger: "Then I'll be damned die!" is "My we son," said the priest, "that what fear." Understanding, a horse n. A cerebral secretion that it to know a house from by the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and Kant, who enables one having lived in a horse. His understanding was so keen all things which he'd felt, heard, He could interpret without fail If he That seen, was in or out of jail. He wrote at Inspiration's call —— 357 Deep disquisitions on them all, Then, pent at last in an asylum. Performed the service to compile So great a writer, all 'em. men swore, They never had not read before. Jorrock Wormley. Unitarian, n. One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian. Universalist, n. One who foregoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith. Urbanity, but is n. The kind of civility that urban all observers ascribe to dwellers in cities New York. Its commonest expression heard in the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not inconsistent with disregard of the rights of others. The owner of a powder mill distant hill Was musing on a his Something mind foreboded fell When A deviled from the cloudless sky there human kidney! Well, mill had exploded. lifted The man's His hat he "I didn't from his head; he said; "I beg your pardon, sir," know 'twas loaded." Swatkin. 358 Usage, n. The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and Third being Cus- tom and Conventionality. decent reverence for this industrious writer Imbued with a Holy Triad an to may hppe as produce books that will live long as the fashion. UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own wife. Valor, «. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's hope. "Why have you halted?" roared the com- mander of a division at a charge; Chickamauga, who had ordered at once." "move forward, siir, "General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy." Vanity, They n. The tribute of a fool to the ass. worth of the nearest say that hens do cackle loudest when — ; 359 There's nothing vital in the eggs they've laid And there are hens, professing to have made A study of mankind, business 'tis who say that men Whose to drive the tongue or pen Make the most clamorous fanfaronade O'er their most worthless work; and I'm afraid They're not entirely different from the hen. Lo ! the drum-major in his coat of gold, His blazing breeches and high-towering cap Imperiously pompous, grandly bold, Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap! Who'd think this gorgeous creature's only virtue Is that in battle he will never hurt you? Hannibal Hunsiker. Virtues, n. pi. Certain abstentions. Vituperation, n. Satire, as understood by dunces and all such as suffer from an impediment in their wit. Vote, and n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to a make a fool of himself wreck of his country. w W (double U) the has, of all the letters in our alphabet, only cumbrous name, the ; 360 being monosyllabic. This advantage of the Roman alphabet over the Grecian is the more valued after audibly spelling out some simple Greek word, like exixopta[ji.ptK(ie. Still, it is now thought by the learned that other agencies than the difference of the two alphabets may have been concerned in the decline of "the glory that was Greece" and the rise of "the grandeur that was Rome." There can be no doubt, however, that by simplifying the name of (calling it "wow," for example) our civilization could be, if not promoted, at least better endured. of names the others W Wall Street, n. A symbol of sin for is every a den devil to rebuke. That Wall Street of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuc- cessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. Even the great and good Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter. Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call all To battle : "The brokers are parasites !" Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll never prevail Keep the vi'ind of your slogan to belly your isle sail, Go back to your of perpetual brume. Silence your pibroch, dofE tartan and plume: — — ! 361 Ben Lomond Fly, fly is calling his son from the fray from the region of Wall Street away While still it you're possessed of a single baubee to (I wish were pledged to retreat endowment of me) 'Twere wise Lest its from the wars of finance value decline ere your credit advance. 'twixt a king of finance and the sea, is For a man Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue too free! Anonymus Bink. War, n. A by-product of the arts of peace. The most menacing political condition is a period of international amity. The student of history who has not been taught to expect the unexpected may justly boast himself inaccessible to the light. of peace prepare for war" has a "In time deeper meaning than is commonly discerned; it means, not merely that all things earthly have an end that change is the one — immutable and eternal law but that the soil of peace is thickly sown with seeds of war and singularly suited to their germination and growth. It was when Kubla Khan had decreed his "stately pleasure dome" when, that is to say, there were peace and fat feasting in — Xanadu —that he heard from far Ancestral voices prophesying war. 362 One of the greatest of poets, Coleridge of the wisest of men, was one and it was not for nothing that he read us this parable. Let us have a little less of "hands across the sea," and that to a little is more of that elemental distrust the security of nations. War loves come like a thief in the night; professions of eternal amity provide the night. Washingtonian, n. A Potomac tribesman who exchanged ment. the privilege of governing himself for the advantage of good govern- In justice to him that he did not want to. They it should be said took away his vote and gave instead The right, vi^hen In vain —he clamors he had earned, to eat his bread. for his "boss," poor soul, his roll. To come again and part him from Offenbach Stutz. Weaknesses, of Tyrant Certain primal powers wherewith she holds dominion over the male of her species, binding n. pi. Woman him to the service of her will and. paralyzing his rebellious energies. Weather, n. The climate of an hour. A per- manent topic of conversation among persons — 863 whom it does not interest, but who have it inherited the tendency to chatter about from naked arboreal ancestors whom it The setting up of official weather bureaus and their maintenance in keenly concerned. mendacity prove that even governments are accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle. Once I dipt into I the future far as human eye could see, And saw the Chief Forecaster, dead as any one can beDead and damned and his birth, shut in Hades as a liar from With While a record of unreason seldom paralleled on earth. I looked he reared him solemnly, that incand- escent youth. From the coals that he'd preferred to the advantages of truth. He cast his eyes about him and above him; then he wrote On a slab of thin asbestos what I venture here to quote For I read it in the rose-light of the everlasting glow: "Cloudy; variable winds, with local showers; cooler; snow." Halcyon Jones. Wedding, ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undern. A 364 takes to takes to become nothing, and nothing underbecome supportable. n. Werewolf, wolf that was once, or is All werewolves are man. of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form to gratify a bestial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are as humane as is consistent with an acquired taste for sometimes, a A peasants having caught a wolf one evening, tied it to a post by the tail and went to bed. The next morning nothing was there! Greatly perplexed, they con- human flesh. Some Bavarian who told them that was undoubtedly a werewolf and had resumed its human form during the night. "The next time that you take a wolf," the good man said, "see that you chain it by the leg, and in the morning you will find a sulted the local priest, their captive Lutheran." Whangdepootenawah, tongue, disaster; n. In the Ojibwa an unexpected affliction that strikes hard. Should you ask me whence this laughter, Whence this audible big-smiling, With its labial extension, ! — 365 With its maxillar distortion And its diaphragmic rhythmus Like the billowing of ocean, Like the shaking of a carpet, I should answer, I should tell you: From the great deeps of the spirit, From the unplummeted abysmus Of the soul this laughter welleth As the fountain, the gug-guggle, Like the river from the canon. To entoken and give warning present That my mood is sunny. Should you ask me further question Why Why Of This the great deeps of the spirit. the unplummeted ahvsmns^ audible big-smiling, the soul extrudes this laughter, all I should answer, I should tell you With With a white heart, tumpitumpy, a true tongue, honest Injun: William Bryan, he has Caught It, Caught the Whangdepootenawah Is't the sandhill crane, the shankank. Standing in the marsh, the kneedeep. Standing silent in the kneedeep With his wing-tips crossed behind him And With his neck close-reefed before him. bosom. inly, his bill, his william, buried In the down upon his his With head retracted While his shoulders overlook it? Does the sandhill crane, the shankank, ! 366 Shiver grayly in the north wind,' Wishing he had died when little, As the sparrow, the chipchip, does? 'tis No not the Shankank standing, Standing in the gray and dismal Marsh, the gray and dismal kneedeep. No, 'tis peerless William Bryan Realizing that he's Caught It, Caught the Whangdepootenawah Wheat, A cereal from which a tolerably n. good whisky can with some difficulty be made, and which is used also for bread. The French are said to eat more bread per capita of population than any other people, which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuff palatable. White, adj. and n. Black. Widow, ian n. A pathetic figure that the Christ- world has agreed to take humorously, although Christ's tenderness towards widhis character. ows was one of the most marked features of Wine, n. Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union as "liquor," sometimes as "rum." Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to man. 367 Wit, with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by n. The it salt leaving out. Witch, n. (i) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful in and attractive young woman, devil. wickedness a league beyond the Witticism, Philistine n. A sharp and clever remark, ; usually quoted, and seldom noted is what the pleased to call a "joke." Woman, «. An vicinity of Man, and having to animal usually living in the a rudimentary domestication. It is susceptibility credited by many of the elder zoologists with a certain vestigial docility acquired in a former state of seclusion, but naturalists of the postsusananthony period, having no knowledge of the seclusion, deny the virtue and declare that such as creation's dawn beheld, it roareth now. The species is the most widely distributed of all beasts of prey, infesting all habitable parts of the globe, from Greenland's spicy mountains to India's moral strand. The popular name (wolf- — 368 ! man) in its is incorrect, for the creature is of the The woman is lithe and graceful movements, especially the American variety {Felts pugnans) is omnivorous and can be taught not to talk. Balthasar Pober. cat kind. , WORMS'-MEAT, n. The finished product of which we are the raw material. The contents of the Taj Mahal, the Tombeau Napoleon and the Grantarium. Worms'meat is usually outlasted by the structure that houses it, but "this too must pass away." Probably the silliest work in which a human being can engage is construction of a tomb for himself. The solemn purpose cannot by contrast the dignify, but only accentuates foreknown futility. so Ambitious fool ! mad to be a show How The you bestow Upon a dwelling whose magnificence profitless the labor tenant neither can admire nor know. Build deep, build high, build massive as you can, The wanton grass-roots will defeat the plan By shouldering asunder' all the stones In what to you would be a moment's span. Time to the dead so all unreckoned flies That when your marble all is dust, arise, — 369 If wakened, stretch your limbs and yawn You'll think you scarcely can have closed your eyes. What though of till all man's works your tomb alone himself be overthrown? Should stand Time Would Forever it advantage you to dwell therein as a stain upon a stone? Joel Huck. Worship, n. Homo Creator's testimony to the sound construction and fine finish of Deus Creatus. tion, popular form of abjechaving an element of pride. n. A Wrath, Anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriate to exalted characters and momentous occasions as, "the wrath of God," "the day of wrath," etc. Amongst the ancients the wrath of kings was deemed ; sacred, for it could usually command the agency of some god for its fit manifestation, could also that of a priest. The Greeks before Troy were so harried by Apollo that as they jumped out of the frying-pan of the wrath of Chryses into the of Achilles, though offender, fire of the wrath the sole Agamemnon, was neither fried nor roasted. A immunity was that of David when he incurred the wrath of Yahveh by similar noted — 370 numbering his people, seventy thousand of whom paid the penalty with their lives. God is now Love, and a director of the census performs his work without apprehension of disaster. X X in our alphabet being a needless letter has an added invincibility to the attacks of the spelling reformers, and like them, will doubtless last as long as the language. X is the sacred symbol of ten dollars, and in such words not, as as Xmas, Xn, etc., stands for Christ, popularly supposed, because it represents a cross, but because the corresponding letter in the Greek alphabet is the is initial of his sented a cross it name Xpiax6	Expurgation
The Australian rapper, songwriter, and model Amethyst Amelia Kelly performs under which stage name?	Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary (1911) - Documents Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary (1911) Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary (1911) Nov 02, 2014 Share Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary (1911) Embed <iframe src="http://documents.mx/embed/ambrose-bierce-the-devils-dictionary-1911.html" width="750" height="600" frameborder="0" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" style="border:1px solid #CCC; border-width:1px; margin-bottom:5px; max-width: 100%;" allowfullscreen> </iframe> <div style="margin-bottom:5px"> <strong> <a href="http://documents.mx/documents/ambrose-bierce-the-devils-dictionary-1911.html" title="Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary (1911)" target="_blank">Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary (1911)</a></div> size(px) Description Text THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY AMBROSE BIERCE THE WORLD PUBLISHING COMPANY CLEVELAND AND NEW YORK Published by THE WORLD PUBLISHING COMPANY Cleveland 2 22JI West iioth Street Ohio WPO COPYRIGHT I9II BY ALBERT AND CHARLES BONI, INC. MANUFACTURED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY : — PREFACE The Devil's Dictionary was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, and was continued in a desultory way and at long intervals until 1906. In that year a large part of it was published in covers with the a title The name which the author Cynic's Word Book, had not the power to reject nor the happiness to approve. To quote the publishers of the present work "This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him by the religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of the work had appeared, with the natural consequence that when it came out in covers the country already had been flooded by its imitaThe tors with a score of 'cynic' books Cynic's This, The Cynic's That, and The Most of these books were Cynic's t'Other. merely stupid, though some of them added the Among them, they distinction of silliness. brought the word 'cynic' into disfavor so deep that any book bearing it was discredited in advance of publication." some of the enterprising humorists of the country had helped themMeantime, too, selves to such parts of the work as served their needs, and many of its definitions, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had become more or less current in popular speech. This explanation is made, not with any pride of priority in trifles, but in simple denial of possible charges of plagiarism, which is no trifle. In merely resuming his own the author hopes to be held guiltless by those to whom the work is addressed enlightened souls who prefer dry wines to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor and clean English to slang. A conspicuous, and it is hoped not unpleasing, feature of the book is its abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets, chief of whom is that learned and ingenious cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J., whose lines bear his initials. To Father Jape's kindly encouragement and assistance the author of the prose — text is greatly indebted. A. B. — Abasement, al n. A decent and customary mentthe presence of wealth or attitude in power. ployee Peculiarly appropriate in an em- when addressing an empldyer. in front of a fort, to pre- Abatis, «. Rubbish vent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside. Abdication, the throne. Poor n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the high temperature of Isabella's dead, Set all tongues whose abdication wagging in the Spanish to nation. scold For that performance 'twere unfair She wisely left a her: throne too hot to hold her. be no royal riddle To History she'll Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle. G. J Abdomen, in n. The temple of the god Stomach, whose worship, with sacrificial rights, all 12 men engage. From women this ancient faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at the altar in a true half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a free hand in the world's marketing the race would become graminivorous. Ability, plish tions «. The natural equipment to accom- some small part of the meaner ambidistinguishing able men from dead ones. In the last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity. this it is impressive quality is Perhaps, however, rightly appraised; no easy task to be solemn. Abnormal, ard. adj. Not conforming to stand- In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward a straiter resemblance to the Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell. — 13 Aborigines, n. Persons of soil of a little worth found cumbering the country. fertilize. newly discovered They soon cease to cumber; they Abracadabra. By Abracadabra we signify of things. An infinite number 'Tis the answer to What ? and And Whence? and Whither? a word whereby The Truth (with the comfort it brings) Is open to all who grope in night, Crying for Wisdom's holy light. — How ? and Why ? Whether Is I the word that is a verb or a noun knowledge beyond my reach. only know From From 'tis handed down sage to sage, age to age An Of immortal part of speech! an ancient man the tale is told That he lived to be ten centuries old, side. In a cave on a mountain (True, he finally died.) The fame of his wisdom filled the land, For his head was bald, and you'll understand His beard was long and white And his eyes uncommonly bright. — 14 Philosophers gathered To sit from far and near and hear and hear, Though he never was heard at his feet To utter a word But "Abracadabra, abracadab, Abracada, abracad, Abraca, abrac, abra, abl" 'Twas Twas all all he had, to they wanted of hear, and each speech, Made copious notes the mystical Which In a they published next A trickle of text meadow of commentary. Mighty big books were these, In number, as leaves of trees; In learning, remarkable —very! He's dead, As I said. And the books of the sages have perished, is it But his wisdom In Abracadabra sacredly cherished. solemnly rings, Like an ancient bell that forever swings. O, I love to hear That word make clear Humanity's General Sense of Things. Jamrach Holobom. Abridge, t. /. To shorten. When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for a people to abridge their king, ? decent — respect for the opinions of : 15 mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. Oliver Cromwell. Abrupt, Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon-shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautiadj. fully said of another author's ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption." Abscond, v. i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with Spring beckons! the property of another. All things to the call respond; The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond. Phela Orm. Absent, of adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth vilified; detraction; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another. To men a man is but a mind. Who cares What face he carries or what form he wears? But woman's body Stay thou, is the woman. O, said my sweetheart, and do never go, But heed the warning words the sage hath A woman absent is a woman dead. logo Tyree, — 16 Absentee, n. A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction. Absolute, adj. An absolute monarchy Independent, irresponsible. is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governed by chance. Abstainer, ure. n. A weak person who one yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleas- A total abstainer is who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought You "So I a total abstainer, I my son." am, so am," said the scapegrace caught "But not, sir, a bigoted one." G.L Absurdity, n. A statement or belief mani- festly inconsistent with one's own opinion. 17 Academe, ality n. An ancient school where mor- and philosophy were taught. Academy, n. (from academe). school where football is taught. Accident, n. A modern An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws. Accomplice, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the matter has not hitherto torneys, commanded the assent of at- no one having offered them a fee for assenting. Accord, «. Harmony. Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin. Accountability, n. The mother of Vizier: caution. "My accountability, bear in mind," Said the Grand "Yes, yes," the only kind Said the Shah: "I do— 'tis Of ability you possess." Joram Tate, 18 Accuse, v. t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him. Acephalous, In the surprising condiwho absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar had, unconsciously to him, passed adj. tion of the Crusader through his neck, as related by de Joinville. Achievement, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. Acknowledge, v. t. To confess. Acknow- ledgment of one another's faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth. Acquaintance, enough called n. A person whom we know A degree of friendship object is is its well enough to borrow from, but not well to lend to. slight when poor or rich or obscure, and intimate when he famous. Actually, adv. Adage, n. Perhaps ; possibly. Boned wisdom for weak teeth. 19 Adamant, gold. mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of n. A Adder, its n. A species of snake. So called from habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living. Adherent, obtained n. all A follower who has not yet that he expects to get. n. Administration, and cuffs An ingenious abstrac- tion in politics, designed to receive the kicks due to the premier or president. A man of straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting. Admiral, n. That part of a war-ship which does the talking while the figure-head does the thinking. Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. Admonition, meat-axe. n. Gentle reproof, as with a Friendly warning. Consigned, by way of admonition, His soul forever to perdition. Judibras. 20 AdorE^ Advice, -) v. t. To The venerate expectantly. smallest current coin. such deep distress," n. "The man was in Said Tom, "that I could do no advice." less Than I give him good Said Jim: "If less could have been done for him know you well enough, my son. To know that's what you would have done." Jebel Jocordy. Affianced, pp. Fitted with an ankle- ring for the ball-and-chain. Affliction, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for another and bitter world. African, n. A nigger that votes our way. Age, n. That period of life in which we comstill pound for the vices that we cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the enterprise to commit. Agitator, n. A statesman fruit trees of his neighbors — who shakes the to dislodge the worms. 21 Aim, n. The task we set our wishes to. "Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?" She tenderly inquired. "An aim? Well, no, The fact is I have I haven't, wife; fired." — G.J. Air, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor. Alderman, «. An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding. Alien, «. An American sovereign in his pro- bationary state. Allah, and n. The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the Christian, Jewish, so forth. Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept, And ever for the And sometimes Have sins of man have wept; hands and slept. kneeling in the temple I reverently crossed my Junker Barlow. 22 Allegiance, n. This thing Allegiance, Is a ring fitted as I suppose, in the subject's nose. is Whereby that organ kept rightly pointed To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed. G.J. Alliance, In international politics, the n. union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. n. Alligator, The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World. Herodotus says the Indus is, with one exceponly river that produces crocodiles, but they appear to have gone West and grown up with the other rivers. From the notches on his back the alligator is called tion, the a sawrian. Alone, adj. In bad company. flint In contact, lo! the and steel, By spark and flame, the thought reveal the metal, she the stone. That he Had cherished secretly alone. Booley Fito. 23 Altar, b. The place whereon the priest form- erly raveled out the small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a male and a female fool. They stood before the altar and supplied The fire themselves in which their fat was fried. In vain the sacrifice! —no god Able will claim An offering burnt with an unholy flame. M. Ambidextrous, skill P. Nopput. pick with equal a right-hand pocket or a left. adj. to Ambition, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish. Anoint^ As v. t. To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood, So pigs to lead the populace are greased good. Judibras. 24 Antipathy, ». The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend. Aphorism, The «. Predigested wisdom. flabby wine-skin of his brain Yields to some pathologic strain, And The voids from its unstored abysm 1697. driblet of an aphorism. "The Mad Philosopher," Apologize, v. i. To lay the foundation for a future offence. Apostate, n. A leech who, having penetrated it the shell of a turtle only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems ient to turtle. exped- form a new attachment to a fresh Apothecary, provider. n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's When That Jove sent blessings to friend all men jar, that are, And Mercury conveyed them in a tricksters of introduced by stealth Disease for the apothecary's health. Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim: "My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!" G.J. — 25 Appeal, v. t. In law, to put the dice box for another throw. Appetite, into the n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question. Applause, n. The echo of a platitude. fool with another April Fool, n. The March month added to his folly. Archbishop, If I n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop. were a jolly archbishop, On On all the fish up Salmon and flounders and smelts; Fridays I'd eat other days everything else. Jodo Rem. Architect, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money. Ardor, «. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge. Arena, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman wrestles with his record. — 26 Aristocracy, (In this kind of ation Government by the best men. sense the word is obsolete; so is that government.) Fellows that wear «. downy hats and clean shirts —guilty of educa and suspected of bank accounts. Armor, «. The kind of clothing worn by man whose tailor is a blacksmith. Arrayed, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter hanged to a lamppost. Arrest, v. t. Formally the to detain one accused of unusualness. God made Version. world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. The Unauthorized Arsenic, n. ed by the turn. A kind of ladies, cosmetic greatly affectit whom Yes, greatly affects in "Eat arsenic? all you get," Consenting, he did speak up; " 'Tis better you should eat it, pet, Than put it in my teacup." Joel Huck. — 27 Art, n. This word has no is definition. Its origin related as follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, One day a wag it —^what would god's S. J. the wretch be at? Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT, name! Straight arose And And And said was a Fantastic priests and postulants mysteries, (with shows, and mummeries, and hymns. fires. disputations dire that lamed their limbs) To serve his temple and maintain the Expound Amazed, And, the law, manipulate the wires. the populace the rites attend, Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend, inly edified to learn that two fit Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do) Have Than sweeter values and a grace more Nature's hairs that never have been sacrificial feasts. priests. split, Bring cates and wines for And sell their garments to support the Artlessness, to n. A certain engaging quality which women attain by long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased to fancy it resembles the can- did simplicity of his young. Asperse, v. t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit. 28 Ass, n. A public singer with a good voice but called the In Virginia City, Nevada, he is Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator, and everywhere the Donkey. The no ear. widely and variously celebrated in the literature, art and religion of every age and country; no other so engages and animal is fires the human imagination Indeed, it is as this noble doubted by some (Ramasilus, lib. II., De Clem., and C. Stantatus, De Temperamente) if it is not a god; and as such we know it was worshiped by vertebrate. the Etruscans, and, robious, if we may also. believe Mac- by the Cupasians Of the only two animals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise along with the souls of men, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of the Seven Sleepers the other. This is no From what has been written about this beast might be compiled a library of great splendor and magnitude, small distinction. rivaling that of the Shakspearean cult, and which clusters about the Bible. It may be said, generally, that all literature is more or less Asinine. that "Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing; "Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King! 29 Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine: is God made all else; the Mule, the Mule thine!" G. J. Auctioneer, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue. Australia, n. A country lying in the South and commercial Sea, whose industrial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island. AVERNUS, n. The lake by which the ancients entered the infernal regions. access to the infernal regions The fact that by a lake is believed by the learned to was obtained Marcus Ansello Scrutator Christian rite have suggested the of baptism by immersion. This, however, has been shown by Lactantius to be an error. Facilis descensus Averni, The poet remarks; and the sense Of it is that when down-hill I turn Will get I more of punches than pence. Jehal Dai Lupe. 30 B Baal, n. An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names. As Baal he was popular with the Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he had the honor to be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the famous account of the Deluge as Babel he had a tower partly erected to his glory on the Plain of Shinar. From Babel comes our English word "babble." Under whatever name wor; shiped, Baal is the Sun-god. of flies, As Beelze- bub he is the god which are begotten of the sun's on stagnant water. In Physicia Baal is still worshiped as Bolus, and as Belly he is adored and served with abundant sacrifice by the priests of Guttledom. rays n. Babe or Baby, A misshapen creature of no or condition, chiefly particular age, sex, remarkable for the violence of the sympathand antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion. There have been famous babes for example, little Moses, from whose adventure in the bulies ; 31 rushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven centuries before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris being preserved on a floating lotus leaf. Ere babes were invented girls were contented. The Now man His money. is tormented Until to buy babes he has squandered And so I have pondered This thing, and thought may be 'T were better that Baby The First had been eagled or condored. Ro A mil. Bacchus, «. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. Is public worship, then, a sin. That for devotions paid to Bacchus The lictors dare to run us in, And resolutely thump and whack us? Jorace. Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity. Backbite, find v. t. To speak of a man as you him when he can't find you. 32 Bait, «. A preparation that renders palatable. the hook more The best kind is beauty. Baptism, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is performed with water in two ways by immersion, or plunging, and by — aspersion, or sprinkling. But whether the plan of immersion Is better than simple aspersion Let those immersed And those aspersed Decide by the Authorized Version, And by matching their agues tertian. G. J. Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. Barrack, to n. A house in which soldiers enjoy which it is a portion of that of their business deprive others. Basilisk, basilisk n. The a cockatrice. A its sort of ser- pent hatched from the egg of a cock. The had bad eye, and glance was 33 deny this creature's Semprello Aurator saw and handled one that had been blinded by lightning as a punishment for having fatally gazed on a lady of rank whom Jupiter loved. Juno afterward restored the reptile's sight and hid it in a cave. Nothing is so well attested by the ancients as the existence of the basilisk, but the cocks have stopped layfatal. Many infidels existence, but ing. Bastinado, n. The act of walking on wood without exertion. Bath, kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined. n. A The man who taketh a steam bath He loseth all the skin he hath, And, for he's boiled a brilliant red, Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed, Forgetting that his lungs he's soiling With dirty vapors of the boiling. Richard Gwow. Battle, teeth method of untying with the a political knot that would not yield n. A to the tongue. — 34 Beard, The hair that is commonly by those who justly execrate the «. cut off absurd Chinese custoip of shaving the head. Beauty, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. Befriend, Beg, v. v. t. To make an ingrate. To ask for something with an earnestit ness proportioned to the belief that will not be given. Who is that, father? A See mendicant, child. Haggard, morose, and unaffable —wild! bars of his cell! how he glares through the With Citizen Mendicant all is not well. Why did they put him there, father? Because Obeying his belly he struck at the laws. His belly? Oh, well, he was starving, little my boy A state in which, doubtless, there's of joy. No bite had he eaten for days, Was "Bread!" ever "Bread!" and his cry —— 35 What's the matter with pie? With little to wear, he had nothing to sell; To beg was unlawful didn't he —improper as well. Why work? But men I said: He would even have done that, "Get out!" and the State remarked: "Scat!" mention these incidents merely to show the vengeance he took That But was uncommonly low. Revenge, at the for trifles best, is the act of a Siou, Pray what did bad Mendicant do ? Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack And tuck out the belly that clung to his back. Is that all father dear ? There is little to tell: They sent him The company's to jail, and they'll send him to — ^well, better than here we can boast. And there's Bread for the needy, dear father? Um—toast. Atka Mip. — 36 Beggar, n. One who has relied on the assist- ance of his friends. Behavior, Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by breeding. The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach Holobom's translation of the following lines in the Dies Irce n. : Recordare, Jesu pie, Quod sum causa tuae vias. Ne me perdas ilia die. , Pray remember, sacred Savior, Whose the thoughtless Death-blow. hand that gave your Pardon such behavior. Belladonna, In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two n. tongues. Benedictines, wise n. An order of monks otherfriars. known it as black She thought a crow, but it turned out to be A monk of St. Benedict croaking a text. "Here's one of an order of cooks," said she "Black friars in this world, fried black in the next." "The Devil on Earth" (London, 1712). — 37 Benefactor, chases of n. One who makes heavy without, pur- ingratitude, however, is still materially affecting the price, which within the means of all. Berenice's Hair, Berenices) rificed n. A constellation in named honor of one {Coma who sac^ her hair to save her husband. locks an ancient lady gave Her Her loving husband's life to save; And men Upon some But to —they stars honored so the dame bestowed her name. fair, our modern married Who'd give their lords to save their hair, No stellar recognition's given. There are not stars enough in heaven. G. J. Bigamy, «. A mistake in taste for which the a punish- wisdom of the future will adjudge ment called trigamy. Bigot, n. One who is obstinately and zeal- ously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. Billingsgate, ent. n. The invective of an oppon- 38 Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of it there uniformity. appears to be no Pollux were born Castor and Pallas came out of a skull. once a block of stone. Peresilis, Galatea was who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount j^tna, and I have myself seen a man come from the egg. out of a wine cellar. Blackguard, n. A man whose qualities, pre- pared for display like a box of berries in a market the fine ones on top have been opened on the wrong side. An inverted — — gentleman. Blank-verse, meters n. —the most Unrhymed iambic difficult ; penta- kind of English a kind, therefore, verse to write acceptably much affected by those who cannot accepta- bly write any kind. Body-snatcher, n. A robber of grave-worms. young physicians with One who supplies the 39 that with which the old physicians have sup- plied the undertaker. The hyena. fall, "One I night," a doctor said, "last and my comrades, four in all, When visiting a graveyard stood wall, Within the shadow of a We "While waiting for the moon to sink saw a wild hyena slink About a new-made grave, and then its Begin to excavate brink! act, "Shocked by the horrid we made beast, A sally from our ambuscade, falling And, on the unholy Dispatched him with a pick and spade." Bettel K. Jhones. Bondsman, who, having property of his own, undertakes to become responsible for that entrusted by another to a third. Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a dissolute nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he would be able to give. "I need no bondsmen," he replied, "for I can give you my word of honor." "And pray what may be the value of that?" inquired the amused Regent. "Monsieur, it is worth its weight n. A fool in gold." — 40 ' Bore, n. A «. person who talks when you wish him to listen. Botany, are. The deals science of vegetables eat, as —those inart- that are not good to It well as those that largely with their flowers, ill-smelling. which are commonly badly designed, istic in color, and adj. its Bottle-nosed, the image of Having a nose created in maker. Boundary, In political geography, an n. imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other. n. Bounty, much, get all The liberality of in permitting one who one who has has nothing to that he can. it is A single swallow, said, devours ten millions of insects every year. I take to The supplying of these insects be a signal instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His creatures. Beecher. Henry Ward Brahma, n. He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu and destroyed — 41 by Siva than is —a rather neater division of labor found among the deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese, for example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed by Folly. The priests of Brahma, like those of the Abracadabranese, are holy and learned men who are never naughty. O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity, First Person of the Hindoo Trinity, You sit there so calm and securely. With feet folded up so demurely You're the First Person Singular, surely. Polydore Smith. Brain, that n. An apparatus with which we think we think. That which distinguishes the man who is content to be something from A the man who wishes to do something. man of great wealth, or one who has been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our civiliz- ation, and under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of ofKce. 42 Brandy, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part deathhell- an d-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the time. Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes. Only a hero will venture to drink it. Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. Brute, «. See Husband. Caaba, n. A large stone presented by the archAbraham, angel Gabriel to the patriarch and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps asked the archangel for bread. Cabbage, head. n. A familiar kitchen-garden veget- able about as large and wise as a man's a prince a The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, who on ascending the throne issued decree appointing a High Council of 43 Empire consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry the royal garden. ty's and the cabbages in When any of his Majesmiscarried con- measures of it state policy was gravely announced that several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his murmuring subjects were appeased. spicuously Calamity, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others. Callous, ad]. Gifted with great fortitude told that one of to bear the evils afflicting another. When Zeno was his enemies was no more he was observed to be "What!" said one of his deeply moved. disciples, "you weep at the death of an enemy?" "Ah, 'tis true," replied the great Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend." Calumnus, Scandal. b. a graduate of the School for 44 Camel, n. A quadruped (the Splaypes idorsus) of great value to the There are two kinds of camels ness. humpshow busi- —the It camel proper and the camel improper. is the latter that is always exhibited. Cannibal, n. A gastronome of the old school who to the natural diet of the preserves the simple tastes and adheres p re-pork period. Cannon, instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries. n. An Canonicals, n. The motley worn by of the Court of Heaven. Capital, «. Jesters The seat of misgovernment. That the pot, the dinner, which provides the fire, the table and the knife and fork for the anarchist; the part of the repast that himself supplies is the disgrace before meat. Capital Punishment, a penalty regarding the justice and expediency of — of worthy persons —including which many the assassins all entertain grave misgivings. n. Carmelite, A mendicant friar of the order Mount Carmel. 43 As Death was Across a-riding out one day, Mount Carmel he took his way, Where he met a mendicant monk, three or four quarters drunk, Some With a holy leer and a pious grin. fat Ragged and and as saucy as sin. Who Give held out his hands and cried: I pray. "Give, give in Charity's name, in the name of the Church. live !" O give, Give that her holy sons may And Death replied. Smiling long and wide: "I'll give, holy father, I'll give thee —a ride." With a rattle and bang Of From By his bones, he sprang his spear; famous Pale Horse, with the neck and the foot his Seized the fellow, and put Him astride with his face to the rear. The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that coffin's fell Like clods on the sounding shell: say. "Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they Will ride to the devil!" and thump Fell the flat of his dart on the rump Of the charger, which galloped away. — Faster and faster and faster it flew. Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that grew By the road were dim and blended and blue in size To Of the wild, wide eyes the rider — 46 Resembling a couple of blackberry pies. Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh foiled At a burial service spoiled, And the mourners' intentions By the body erecting Its head and objecting its To further proceedings in behalf. Many a year and many a day Have passed since these events away. The monk has long been a dusty corse, And Death For the has never recovered his horse. friar got hold of its tail. And steered it within the pale Of the monastery gray. Where the beast was stabled and fed With barley and oil and bread Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar, And so in due course was appointed Prior. G.J. Carnivorous, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns. Cartesian, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, Cogito ergo sum ^whereby he was pleased to suppose he demonstrated the reality of — human existence. The dictum might be improved, however, thus: Cogito 47 cogito ergo cogito sum —"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am ;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made. Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. This is a dog, This is a cat, This is a frog, This is a rat. Run, dog, mew, cat, Jump, frog, gnaw, rat. Elevenson. Caviler, n. A critic of our own work. Cemetery, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. The inscriptions following will serve to attained in illustrate the success these Olympian games: His virtues were to so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to overlook them, denied them, and his friends, whose loose as vices. lives they were a rebuke, represented fam- them ily, They are here commemorated by his who shared them. 48 In the earth we here prepare a little Place to lay our — Thomas M. and Mary Frazer. will raise her. Clara. P. S. —Gabriel One Centaur, n. of a race of persons who lived before the division of labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who followed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his own horse." The best of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of the horse added the fleetness of man. The scripture story of the head of John the Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths have somewhat sophisticated sacred history. Cerberus, «. The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the entrance against — whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody, sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the entrance. Cerberus is known to have had three heads, and some of the poets have credited him with as many as a hundred. Professor Graybill, whose clerky erudition and profound knowledge of Greek give his opinion great weight, has averaged all the estimates, and • 49 makes the number twenty-seven a judgment that would be entirely conclusive if Professor Graybill had known (a) something about dogs, and (b) something about arithmetic. — Childhood, «. The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth the sin of —two removes from manhaod and three from the remorse of age. Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who life of sin. follows the teach- ings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a I I dreamed stood upon a hill, and, lo! The With godly multitudes walked to and fro fitly clad, Beneath, in Sabbath garments pious mien, appropriately sad, all While the church bells made a solemn din— A fire-alarm to those who lived in sin. Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below, With tranquil face, upon that holy show A tall, spare figure in a robe of white. eyes diffused a melancholy light. Whose : 50 keep you, stranger," I exclaimed. "You are doubt (your habit shows it) from afar; No And yer I entertain the hope that you, "God Like these good people, are a Christian too." He raised his eyes and with a look so stern It made me with a thousand blushes burn his manner with disdain was spiced "What! I a Christian? No, indeed! I'm Christ." G.J. Replied — Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool. Clairvoyant, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron namely, — that he is a blockhead. An instrument of torture Clarionet, n. operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet two clarionets. — A Clergyman, n. management method Clio, tion n. man who undertakes the of our spiritual affairs as a of bettering his temporal ones. One of the nine Muses. Clio's func- was to preside over history —which she ; — 51 of the prominseats did with great dignity, ent citizens of many Athens occupying on the platform, the meetings being addressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular speakers. Clock^ n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him. A busy man complained one day: "I get no time!" "What's that you say?" the time there is. Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz; "You have, sir, all There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it We're never for an hour without it." Purzil Crofe. Close-fisted, adj. Unduly desirous of keep- ing that which many meritorious persons wish to obtain. "Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried To "See thrifty J. Macpherson me I'm ready to divide With any worthy person." — — 52 Said Janjie: "That is very true backing; to you. The boast requires no And all are worthy, sir, Who have what you are lacking." Anita M. Bobe. CCENOBITE, self n. A man who piously shuts himsin of his ness; up to meditate upon the and to keep it fresh in wickedjoins mind a brotherhood of awful examples. O Coenobite, O coenobite, Monastical gregarian. You differ from the anchorite, That solitudinarian: With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick; With dropping shots he makes him sick. Quincy Giles. Comfort, «. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness. Commendation, to n. The tribute that we pay achievements that resemble, but do not equal, our own. Commerce, A n. kind of transaction in which plunders from B the goods of C, and for A compensation B picks the pocket of to E. D of money belonging — 53 Commonwealth, ity n. An administrative ent- operated by an incalculable multitude of political parasites, logically active but fort- uitously efficient. This commonwealth's Capitol's corridors view, So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew Of clerks, pages, porters Whom That a rascals appoint and all attaches and the populace pays cat cannot slip through the thicket of shins its Nor hear clerks own shriek for the noise of their chins. porters, On and on pages, and and all. Misfortune attend and disaster befall! May May May May May And life be to them a succession of hurts; fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts; aches and diseases full encamp in their bones. Their lungs of tubercles, bladders of stones; microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest. And tapeworms securely their bowels digest; corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair, frequent impalement their pleasure impair. Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse Of audible sofas sepulchraUy hoarse. By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores! Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin! Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin, Avenging the friend whom I couldn't work in. K. Q. Compromise, n. Such an adjustment of coneach adversary the flicting interests as gives 54 satisfaction of thinking ought not to he has got what he have, and is deprived of no- thing except what was justly his due. Compulsion, Condole, v. n. The eloquence of power. i. To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than sympathy. Confidant, Confidante, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C. Congratulation, Congress, n. n. The civility of envy. A n. body of men who meet to repeal laws. Connoisseur, A specialist who knows something and nothing about anything else. An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, some wine was poured everything about upon his lips to revive him. died. "Pauillac, 1873," he murmured and n. Conservative, A statesman who is enam- — ored of existing the Liberal, evils, as — 55 distinguished from who wishes to replace them with others. Consolation, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than n. yourself. Consul, In American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country. v. t. Consult, To seek another's approval of a course already decided on. Contempt, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed. n. Controversy, A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. In controversy with the facile tongue That bloodless warfare of the old and young So seek your adversary to engage That on himself he shall exhaust his And, like a snake that's fastened rage, to the ground, With his own fangs inflict the fatal wound. 56 You ask Adopt his me how this miracle own opinions, one is done? by one, And taunt him to refute them; in his wrath them pitilessly from his path. Advance then gently all you wish to prove. Each proposition prefaced with, "As you've So well remarked," or, "As you wisely say. He'll sweep And I cannot dispute," it or, "By the way. This view of which, better far expressed. Runs through your argument." Then leave the rest To And him, secure that he'll perform his trust prove your views intelligent and just. Conmore Apel Brune. Convent^ n. A place of retirement for women for leisure to meditate who wish upon the vice of idleness. Conversation, n. A fair for the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor. Coronation, n. The ceremony of investing outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. a sovereign with the 57 Corporal, n. A man who occupies the lowest rung of the military ladder. Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell, Our corporal heroically fell! Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl And said: "He hadn't very far to fall." Giacomo Smith. Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit ual responsibility. without individ- Corsair, n. A «. politician of the seas. Court Fool, Coward, «. The plaintiff. in a perilous One who emergency thinks with his legs. Craft, n. A n. fool's substitute for brains. Crayfish, A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but In this small fish I take it less indigestible. that human wisdom for whereas is admirably figured and symbolized; crayfish doth the move only backward, and can have only seeing retrospection, naught but the perils already 58 passed, so the wisdom of man doth not enable him to avoid the follies that beset his course, but only to apprehend their nature afterward.^-Sir James Merivale. Creditor, n. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions. Cremona, n. A high-priced violin made in Connecticut. Critic, n. A person who boasts himself nobody tries to hard to please because please him. There is a land of pure delight. Beyond the Jordan's flood, Where saints, apparelled all in white. critic's Fling back the mud. skies, And as he legs it through the His pelt a sable hue. He sorrows sore to recognize missiles that The he threw. Orrin Goof. Cross, n. An ancient religious symbol errone- ously supposed to ianity, owe its significance to the most solemn event in the history of Christbut really antedating it by thousands : 59 it has been believed to be identical with the crux ansata of the ancient phallic worship, but it has been traced of years. By many even beyond all that we know of that, to the have to-day rites of primitive peoples. We the the White Cross as a symbol of chastity, and Cross as a badge of benevolent neutrality in war. Having in mind the former, the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect following Red "Be good, be good !" the sisterhood Cry out in holy chorus, And, to dissuade from sin, parade Their various charms before us. But why, O why, has ne'er an eye Seen her of winsome manner And youthful grace and pretty face Flaunting the White Cross banner ? Now where's the To better our need of speech and screed behaving? A Is, simpler plan for saving man (But, first, is he worth saving?) dears, when he declines to flee From bad thoughts that beset him, Ignores the Law as 't were a straw, And wants to sin don't let him. — 60 Cm Bono? do me} (Latin) What good would that Cunning, n. The faculty that a weak animal or person from It brings its possessor distinguishes a strong one. satis- faction much mental and great material adversity. "The more foxes than asses." so-called An Italian proverb says: skins of furrier gets the Cupid, n. The god of love. This bastard creation of a barbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the in- sins of its deities. Of all unbeautiful and this is the most and offensive. The notion of symbolizing sexual love by a semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to the wounds of an arrow of introducing this pudgy homunculus into art grossly to materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work this is eminently worthy of the age that, giving it birth, laid it on the appropriate conceptions reasonless — — doorstep of posterity. Curiosity, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is 61 one of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul. Curse, t. Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick. This is an operation which v. in literature, particularly in the drama, is commonly fatal to the victim. Nevertheless, is the liability to a cursing insurance. a risk that cuts life but a small figure in fixing the rates of Cynic, glackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his n. A vision. D Damn, v. A By word formerly much used by meaning of the Paphlagonians, the is lost. which the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak satis- it is believed to have been a term of implying the highest possible degree of mental tranquillity. Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frefaction, 62 quently occurs in combination with the word jod or god, meaning "joy." It would be with great diffidence that I should advance an opinion conflicting with that of either of these formidable authorities. Dance, v. i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. are There those many kinds of dances, but all requiring the participation of the two sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious. Danger, «. A savage beast which, when it sleeps, Man But girds at and despises, takes himself away by leaps And bounds when it arises. Ambat Delaso. Daring, ities «. of One of the most conspicuous a man in security. qual- Datary, n. A high is ecclesiastic official of the Roman function Catholic Church, whose important to brand the Pope's bulls with 63 the words Datum Romee. He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of God. Dawn, to n. The time bed. Certain old when men of reason go men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it. Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly This period is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper the former devoted to sins of misspent. — business, the latter consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity overlap. Dead, adj. Done with the work of breathing; done With all the world the mad race run ; Through to the end; the golden goal Attained and found to be a hole! Squatol Johnes. Debauchee, n. One who it. has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver. As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet, Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him. Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him; So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him, Yet-feels the narrow limits that impound him, it. it. Grieves at his debt and studies to evade And finds at last he might as well have paid Barlow S. Vode. Decalogue, ten in «. A series of number to — just commandments, enough to permit an Following intelligent selection for observance, but not enough is embarrass the choice. the revised edition of the Decalogue, calc- ulated for this meridian. Thou shalt no God but me adore: 'Twere too expensive to have more. — 05 No images nor idols make to break. For Robert IngersoU Take not God's name in vain; select A time when it will have effect. Work But go not on Sabbath days at to see the all, teams play ball. Honor thy For life parents. That creates insurance lower rates. Kill not, abet not those who kill; bill. Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless Thine own thy neighbor doth Don't steal ; caress. thou'lt never thus compete Successfully in business. Cheat. Bear not false witness 'tis — that is low so." But "hear rumored so and Covet thou naught that thou hast not By hook or crook, or somehow, got G.7. DecIi;»E, v. i. To succumb to the ance of one set of influences preponderover another set. 66 A was riven from a tree, "I mean to fall to earth," said leaf he. The west wind, rising, made him veer. "Eastward," said he, "I now shall steer." The Said east he : wind rose with greater force. " 'Twere wise to change my course." With equal power they contend. He said: "My judgment I suspend." Down Cried: died the winds; the leaf, elate, "I've decided to fall straight." "First thoughts are best?" That's not the moral; we'll not quarrel. Just choose your own and Howe'ti- your choice may chance it to fall, You'll have no hand in at all. G.J. Defame, v. t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another. Defenceless, adj. Unable to attack. Degenerate, aries of adj. Less conspicuously admir- able than one's ancestors. The contempor- Homer were it striking examples of degeneracy; required ten of them to raise 67 a rock or a riot that one of the heroes of the Trojan war could have raised with ease. never tires of sneering at "men who live in these degenerate days," which is perhaps why they suffered him to beg his Homer bread — a marked instance of returning if good have for evil, by the way, for they had for- bidden starved. him he would certainly Degradation, «. One of the stages of moral and social progress from private station to political preferment. Deinotherium, that flourished fashion. n. An the extinct when pachyderm Pterodactyl was in was a native of Ireland, its name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen latter it The printed. Dejeuner, n. The breakfast of an Paris. American who has been nounced. in Variously pro- Delegation, n. In American politics, an icle of merchandise that comes in sets. art- 68 Deliberation, n. The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on. Deluge, experiment in baptism which washed away the sins (and sinners) of the world. n. A notable first Delusion, n. The father of a most respect- able family, comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many All other goodly sons and daughters. Delusion! hail, Were it not for thee The world For turned topsy-turvy we should see; Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies, fly Would abandoned Virtue's gross advances. Mumfrey Mappel. Dentist, n. prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of A your pocket. Dependent, Reliant upon another's generosity for the support which you are not adj. in a position to exact from his fears. Deputy, male relative of an ofBceholder, or of his bondsman. The deputy is n. A — — commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and an intricate system of cobhis nose to his desk. webs extending from When accidentally struck by the janitor's off a broom, he gives cloud of dust. cried, "Chief Deputy," the Master "To-day the books are to be tried By experts and accountants who Have been commissioned to go through Our office here, to see if we Have stolen injudiciously. Please have the proper entries made. The proper balances displayed, Conforming to the whole amount Of cash on hand ^which they will count. — I've long admired your punctual way Here at the break and close of day. Confronting in your chair the crowd Of business men, whose And gestures violent you voices loud quell By some mysterious, calm spell Some magic lurking in your look That brings the noisiest to book And spreads a holy and profound all Tranquillity o'er around. So orderly all's done that they Who came to draw remain to pay. But now the time demands, at last. That you employ your genius vast In energies more active. Rise And shake the lightnings from your eyes; : 70 Inspire your underlings, and fling Your spirit into everything!" The Master's hand here dealt Upon the Deputy's bent back, a whack When straightway to the floor there fell A shrunken globe, a rattling shell, A blackened, withered, eyeless head! The man had been a twelvemonth dead. Jamrach Holohom. Destiny, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure. Diagnosis, ease n. A n. physician's forecast of dis- by the patient's pulse and purse. Diaphragm, A muscular partition separ- ating disorders of the chest of the bowels. from disorders Diary, life, n. A daily record of that part of one's relate to himself without which he can blushing. Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ All thg,t he had of wisdom and of wit. of his So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died. Erased "I'll all entries own and I cried: judge you by your diary." ; Said Hearst "Thank you 'twill show you am Saint the First"^ — 71 Straightway producing, jubilant and proud, That record from a pocket in his shroud. The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er, Each stupid line of which he knew before, Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit On shallow sentiment and stolen wit; gravely closed the book and gave friend, you've it Then back. wandered from your proper track: You'd never be content this side the tomb For big ideas Heaven has little room, And Hell's no latitude for making mirth," He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth. "My "The Mad Philosopher." Dictator, n. The chief of a nation that pre- fers the pestilence of despotism to the plague of anarchy. Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work. Die, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom hear the word, because there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." At long "The intervals, however, some one says: not true, for it is cut. die is cast," which is The word is found in an immortal couplet 72 by that eminent poet and domestic economist, Senator Depew: A cube of cheese no larger than a die bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie. May Digestion, virtues. n. The conversion of victuals into the process is When imperfect, vices are evolved instead —a circumstance from which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia. Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country. Disabuse, v. t. To present your neighbor with another and better error than the one which ,he has deemed it advantageous to embrace. Discriminate, v. i. To note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another. Discussion, n. A method of confirming others in their errors. — 73 Disobedience, n. The silver lining cloud of servitude. Disobey, priate v. t. to the To celebrate with an appro- ceremony the maturity of a com- mand. His right to govern me is clear as day, My And duty manifest to disobey; if that fit observance e'er alike I shut May I and duty be undone. Israfel Brown. Dissemble, v. i. To put a clean shirt upon the character. Let us dissemble. Adam. Distance, keep. n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs, and Distress, n. A n. disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. Divination, occult. The art of nosing out the is Divination of as many kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flow- ering dunce and the early fool. 74 Dog, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship. This Divine Being in some of his smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affection is of Woman, the human male vival place to which there aspirant. no not, —an The Dog is a sur- anachronism. He toils neither does he spin, yet Solomon in all his all day long, sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the means wherewith to purchase an idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with a look of tolerant recognition. glory never lay upon a door-mat Dragoon, n. A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal measure that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on horseback. Dramatist, n. One who adapts plays from the French. Druids, n. Priests and ministers of an which did not disdain to employ the humble allurement of ancient Celtic religion human sacrifice. Very little is now known — 75 about the Druids and their spread eastward as far says those teries as faith. Pliny Caesar says their religion, originating in Britain, Persia. its who desired to study mys- to Britain. Caesar himself went but does not appear to have obtained any high preferment in the Druidical Church, although his talent for human went to Britain, was considerable. Druids performed their religious rites in groves, and knew nothing of church mortgages and the season-ticket system of pew rents. They were, in short, heathens and as they were once complacently catalogued by a distinguished prelate of the Church of England Dissenters. sacrifice — Duck-bill, n. Your account at your staurant during the canvas-back season. re- Duel, ceremony preliminary to Great the reconciliation of two enemies. n. A formal skill is necessary to its satisfactory observ- ance; if awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel. — 76 That I dueling's a gentlemanly vice it hold; and wish that live had been my lot To my life out in some favored spot it is Some country where considered nice or slice To split a rival like a fish, A And husband like a spud, or with a shot in a Bring down a debtor doubled ready to be put upon the there are, knot ice. Some miscreants whom I do long To The I shoot, or stab, or some such way reclaim scurvy rogues to better lives and manners, see seem to them now if —a mighty throng. me they came. It looks as to challenge Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners! Xamha Q. Dar. Dullard, n. A member of the reigning letters and life. The Dullards with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy have overrun the habitable world. The secret of their power is their insensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh with a platitude. The Dullards came originally from Boeotia, dynasty in in came whence they were driven by ation, stress of starv- their dulness having blighted the crops. Philistia, For some centuries they infested and many of them are called In the turbulent Philistines to this day. times of the Crusades they withdrew thence . 77 and gradually overspread all Europe, occupying most of the high places in politics, art, literature, science and theology. Since a the Pilgrims in the detachment of Dullards came over with Mayflower and made a favorable report of the country, their in- and conversion has been rapid and steady. According to the most trustworthy statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is crease birth, immigration, by but little short of thirty millions, including the statisticians. The intellectual centre of somewhere about Peoria, Illinois, but the New England Dullard is the most the race is shockingly moral. Duty, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire. Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court, Was wroth at his master, who'd to kissed Lady Port. His anger provoked him But duty prevailed, take the king's head. and he took the king's bread, Instead. G. J. — 78 E Eat, v. i. To perform the successively (and sucof cessfully) functions mastication, humectation, and deglutition. "I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner," said Brillat-Savarin, beginning an anecdote. "What!" interrupted Rochedrawing-room?" I briant; "eating dinner in a "I must beg you to observe, monsieur," ex- plained the great gastronome, "that not say I did ing it. I was eating my dinner, but enjoyhad dined an hour before." Eavesdrop, v. i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and vices of another or yourself. A lady with one of her ears applied To The an open keyhole heard, subject engaging inside, Two female gossips in converse free them was she. "I think," said one, "and my husband thinks That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" As soon as no more of it she could hear The "To lady, indignant, removed her ear. "I will not stay," she said, with a pout, hear my character lied about!" Gopete Sherany. ; 79 Eccentricity, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity. Economy, Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford. n. Edible, adj. digest, as a Good to eat, to and wholesome to worm a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm. Editor, ial n. A person who combines the judicof is functions Minos, Rhadamanthus and iEacus, but placable with an obolus a severely virtuous censor, but so charit- able withal that he tolerates the virtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the splintering lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till he resembles a bunch of firecrackers petulantly uttering its mind at the tail of a dog; then melodious lay, soft as the cooing of a donkey intoning Master of its prayer to the evening star. mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled straightway a murmurs mild, upon the throne of thought, his face suf- ! 80 fused with the figuration, his dim splendors legs of the Trans- intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, the editor along the paper and cuts suit. it spills his will off in lengths to from behind the veil heard the voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six lines of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack up some at intervals is And of the temple pathos. O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought, is A Of gilded impostor he. shreds and patches his robes are wrought, And His crown is brass. Himself is an ass, his power is fiddle-dee-dee. Prankily, crankily prating of naught. Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought. Public opinion's camp-follower he. Thundering, blundering, plundering Affected, free. Ungracious, Suspected, Mendacious, Respected contemporaree /. H. Bumbleshook. Education, n. That which discloses to the 81 wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. Effect, The second of two phenomena which always occur together in the same b. order. generate the other—^which ible than it The first, called a Cause, is is said to sens- no more would be for one who has never seen a dog except in pursuit of a rabbit to declare the rabbit the cause of the dog. Egotist, person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. n. A Megaceph, chosen to serve the State In the halls of legislative debate, One day with all his credentials came To the Capitol's door and announced his name. The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist Of the face, at the eminent egotist. And said "Go away, for we settle here : All manner of questions, knotty and queer, And we cannot have, To be told how every when the speaker demands member stands, under the sky 'I'." A man who to all things Assents by eternally voting Ejection, n. An approved remedy for the It is disease of garrulity. in cases of also much used extreme poverty. 82 Elector, choice. n. One who enjoys the sacred priv- ilege of voting for the man of another man's Electricity, «. The power that causes all phenomena not known to be caused natural by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesque incidents in that great and good man's and its career. The memory of Dr. Franklin is justly held in great reverence, particularly in France, where a waxen effigy of life him was services recently on exhibition, bearing the follow- ing touching account of his to science: and "Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of illustrious electricity. This savant, after having made several voyages around the world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages, of ment was ever recovered." whom not a single frag- Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in the arts and industries. question of its economical application to some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved that it will propel a street car better than a gas jet and The give more light than a horse. ! 83 Elegy, n. composition in verse, in which, without employing any of the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind the dampest kind of dejection. The most famous English example begins somewhat like this: A The cur foretells the knell of parting day; The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea; The wise man homeward plods; I only stay To fiddle-faddle in a minor key. Eloquence, to be. n. The is art of orally persuading fools that white the color that it appears It includes the gift of making any color appear white. Elysium, n. An imaginary delightful country which the ancients foolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good. This ridiculous and mischievous fable was swept oflf the face of the earth by the early Christians may their souls be happy in Heaven — Emancipation, n. from the tyranny ism of himself. A bondman's change of another to the despot- 84j He was a His iron slave: at collar cut word he went and came; him to the bone. and inscribed his Then Liberty erased his owner's name, rivets Tightened the own. G. J. Embalm, v. t. To cheat vegetation by lockit ing up the gases upon which feeds. By dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be ornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, their embalming or enriching his table as a bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get him after awhile if we are spared, but in violet and rose are languishing for a nibble at his glutceus maximus. the meantime the Emotion, «. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes. — 85 Encomiast, n. A special (but not partic- ular) kind of liar. End, n. The position farthest removed on either hand from the Interlocutor, The man was perishing apace Who The played the tambourine: seal of death was on his face Twas "This is pallid, for 'twas clean. the end," the sick man said In faint and failing tones. A moment later he was dead, And Tambourine was Bones. Tinley Roquot. Enough, you like pro. it. All there is in the world if Enough is as good as a feast — for that matter platter. Enougher's as good as a feast and the Arbely C. Strunk. Entertainment, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by dejection. Enthusiasm, n. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connec- 86 outward applications of experiByron, who recovered long enough ence. to call it "entuzy-muzy," had a relapse which carried him off to Missolonghi. tion with — Envelope, the n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the husk of a remittance; bed-gown of a «. love-letter. Envy, Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity. Epaulet, ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a military officer from the enemy that is to say, from the officer of lower rank to whom his death would give n. An — promotion. Epicure, opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who, holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time in gratification of the senses. n. n. short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently characterized by acidity An Epigram, A or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. • Folepi- lowing are some of the more notable : 87 grams of the learned and ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom: We others. know better the needs of ourselves than of is To serve oneself economy of administration. In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a is nightingale. Diversity of character due to their unequal activity. There Beauty this: they are three sexes; males, females and girls. in women and distinction in men are alike in seem to the unthinking a kind of credibility. Women have in love are less ashamed than men. They less to be ashamed of. While your friend holds you affectionately by both safe, for your hands you are you can watch both his. Epitaph, «. An inscription on a tomb, show- ing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example Here lie the bones of Parson Piatt, Wise, pious, humble and all that. it; Who showed us life as all should live forgive it! Let that be said —and God — 88 Erudition, into an n. Dust shaken out of a book skull. empty So wide his erudition's mighty span, He knew Creation's origin and plan And only came by accident to griefs He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief. Pute. Romach Esoteric, adj. Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult. The ancient philoexoteric, those sophies were of two kinds, that the philosophers themselves could partly understand, and esoteric, those that nobody could understand. It is the latter that have most profoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance in our time. Ethnology, swindlers, n. various tribes of ethnologists. The science Man, as that treats of the robbers, thieves, idiots dunces, lunatics, and Eucharist, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as to what it was 89 that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. n. Eulogy, Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead. Evangelist, n. A bearer of good tidings, salvation particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own and the dam- nation of our neighbors. It is Everlasting, adj. Lasting forever. diffidence that I venture to with no small offer this brief and elementary definition, for I am not unaware of the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop of Partial Definition of Worcester, entitled, the Word "Everlasting," as Used in the A Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures. His book was once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and is still, I understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit to the soul. Exception, n. erty to differ A thing which takes the libfrom other things of its class, — 90 ; an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. "The exception proves the rule" is an exas pression constantly norant, who parrot it upon the lips of the igfrom one another with In the never a thought of its absurdity. Latin, "Exceptio probat regulam" means that the exception tests the rule, puts it to the proof, not confirms it. The malefactor who drew his the meaning from this excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of own exerted an evil power which ap- pears to be immortal. Excess, forces n. In morals, an indulgence that en- by appropriate penalties the law of moderation. Hail, high Excess — especially in wine. To thee in worship do I bend the knee Who preach abstemiousness unto me shrine. line, My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy Precept on precept, aye, and line on Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree With reason as thy touch, exact and free, Upon my forehead and along my spine. At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup. With the hot grape I warm no more my wit When on thy stool of penitence I sit I I'm quite converted, for Ungrateful he can't get up. who afterward would falter To make new sacrifices at thine altar! — 91 Excommunication, This "excommunication" In speech n. is a word ecclesiastical oft heard, And means Some the damning, with bell, book and candle, sinner whose opinions are a scandal A rite permitting Satan to enslave him Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him. Gat Huckle. Executive, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to enforce the wishes of the power until such time as the judepartment shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of no efifect. Following is an extract from an old book enPfeiflfer titled. The Lunarian Astonished legislative dicial — & Co., Boston, 1803: Lunarian: passed a law it Then when your Congress has goes directly to the Supreme Court in at once be order that it may known whether it it is con- stitutional ? Terrestrian: been enforced for operation President, once. O no; does not require the approval of the Supreme Court until having perhaps many years somebody objects to its against himself if — I mean his client. The it he approves it, begins to execute at Lunarian: Ah, the executive power is a part of 92 the legislative. Do : your policemen also have to ap- prove the local ordinances that they enforce? Terrestrian Not yet — at least not in their all character of constables. Generally speaking, though, laws require the approval of those intended to restrain. whom they are Lunarian: Terrestrian: I see. The friend, death warrant is not valid until signed by the murderer. My you put it too strongly; we are not so consistent. Lunarian: But this system of maintaining an expensive judicial machinery to pass upon the validity of laws only after they have long been executed, and then only when brought before the court by some private person —does it not cause great confusion? Terrestrian: It does. Lunarian: Why then should not your laws, previously to being executed, be validated, not by the signature of your President, but by that of the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court? Terrestrian: There is no precedent for any such course. Lunarian : Precedent. It What is that ? Terrestrian: one know? has been defined by five hun- dred lawyers in three volumes each. So how can any Exhort, In religious affairs, to put theconscience of another upon the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort. v. t. ! 93 Exile, n. One who serves his country by re- siding abroad, yet is not an ambassador. English sea-captain being asked if he had read "The Exile of Erin," replied: An but I should like to anchor on it." Years afterwards, when he had been hanged sir, "No, as a pirate after a career of atrocities, the unparalleled at following memorandum was he had kept found in the ship's log that the time of his reply: Aug. 3d, 1842. Coldly received. Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin. War with the whole world Existence, n. A transient, horrible, fantastic dream. is Wherein nothing yet all things do seem: From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: "O fudge!" Experience, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaint- ance the folly that braced. we have already em- To Is one who, journeying through night and fog, mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog, Experience, like the rising of the dawn, Reveals the path that he should not have gone. Joel Frad Bink, 94 Expostulation, n. One of the many methods by which fools prefer to lose their friends. Extinction, The raw material out of n. which theology created the future state. Fairy, n. A creature, variously fashioned and endowed, that formerly inhabited the forests. It was nocturnal in its habits, and somewhat addicted to dancing and the theft of children. The fairies are now believed by naturalists to be extinct, though a clergyman of the Church of England saw three near Colchester as lately as 1855, while passing through a park after dining with the lord of the manor. The sight greatly staggered him, and he was so affected that his account of it was incoherent. In the year 1807 a troop of fairies visited a wood near Aix and carried off the daughter of a peasant, who had been seen to enter it with a bundle of clothing. The son of a wealthy bourgeois disappeared about the same time, but afterward returned. He had seen the abduction and meadows and 95 been in pursuit of the fairies. Justinian Gaux, a writer of the fourteenth century, avers that so great is the fairies' power of transformation that he saw one change itself into two opposing armies and fight a battle with great slaughter, and that the next day, after it had resumed its original shape and gone away, there were seven hundred bodies of the slain which the villagers had to bury. He does not say if any of the wounded recovered. In the time of Henry IH, of England, a law was made which prescribed the death penalty for "Kyllynge, wowndit ynge, or mamynge" a fairy, and was universally respected. Faith, is n. told Belief without evidence in what by one who speaks without know- ledge, of things without parallel. Famous, Done adj. Conspicuously miserable. on the iron, behold to a turn Him who Content? to be famous aspired. Well, his grill has a plating of gold. And his twistings are greatly admired. Hassan Brubuddy. : 96 Fashion, n. A despot ule and obey. whom the wise ridic- A king there was who lost an eye In some excess of passion; And straight his courtiers all did try To follow the new fashion. Each dropped one eyelid when before The throne he ventured, thinking 'Twould please the king. That monarch swore He'd slay them all for winking. What should To hazard They dared they do? They were not hot such disaster; not close an eye —dared not See better than their master. Seeing them lacrymose and glum, A leech consoled the weepers He spread small rags with liquid gum And covered half their peepers. The court all wore the stuff, Of royal anger dying. That's how court-plaster got Unless I'm greatly lying. the flame its name Naramy Oof. Feast, tion n. A festival. A religious celebra- by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some usually signalized 97 holy person distinguished for abstemiousIn the Roman Catholic Church feasts are "movable" and "immovable," but the celebrants are uniformly immovable until they are full. In their earliest development these entertainments took the form of feasts for the dead such were held by the Greeks, under the name of Nemeseia, by the Aztecs and Peruvians, as in modern times they are popular with the Chinese though it is beness. ; ; lieved that the ancient dead, the like the the modern, were light eaters. Among many feasts of the Romans was Novemto Livy, diale, which was held, according whenever stones fell from heaven. Felon, n. A person of greater enterprise than who in embracing an opportunformed an unfortunate attachment. One of the opposing, or unfair, discretion, ity has Female, sex. m. The Maker, at Creation's birth, With living things had stocked the earth. From elephants to bats and snails. They all were good, for all were males. But when the Devil came and saw He said: "By Thine eternal law —— 98 Of growth, maturity, decay, leave untenanted the earth These aM must quickly pass away And Unless Thou dost establish birth" Then tucked his head beneath his wing To laugh —he had no sleeve — the thing With That he'd suggested to the Lord. The Master pondered this advice, Then shook and threw the fateful deviltry did so accord. dice Wherewith all matters here below Are ordered, and observed the throw; Then bent His head in awful state. Confirming the decree of Fate. From every part of The conscious dust earth anew consenting flew, While rivers from their courses rolled To make it plastic for the mould. Enough collected (but no more, For niggard Nature hoards her store) He And kneaded it to flexile clay, While Nick unseen threw some away. then the various forms first He all cast, Gross organs and finer last; No By one at once evolved, but even touches grew and small till, Degrees advanced, shade by shade. To match all living things He'd made parts Females, complete in all their Except (His clay gave out) the hearts. "No I'll matter," Satan cried ; "with speed fetch the verv hearts they need" 99 So flew away and soon brought back The number That needed, in a sack. night earth rang with sounds of strife-^ million males had each a wife; Ten That night sweet Peace her pinions spread O'er Hell — ten million devils dead! G. J. Fib, n. A lie that liar's has not cut its teeth. An habitual nearest approach to truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit. When David said: "All men are liars," Dave, Himself a liar, fibbed like any thief. disbelief Perhaps he thought to weaken By proof that even himself was not a slave To Truth; though been of all I suspect the aged knave Had Had Is her servitors the chief fig's he but known a reluctant leaf more than e'er she wore on land or wave. No, David served not Naked 'Iruth when he Struck that sledge-hammer blow at all his race; Nor did he hit the nail upon the head: For reason shows that it could never be, And the facts contradict him to his face. Men are not liars all, for some are dead. Bartle Quinker. Fickleness, n. The iterated satiety of aa en- terprising affection. — 100 Fiddle, ears n. An instrument to tickle human by friction of a horse's tail on the en- trails of a cat. To Rome said Nero: replied: "If to smoke you turn I shall not cease to fiddle while you burn." To Nero Rome 'Tis my excuse "Pray do your worst, that you were fiddling first." Orm Fidelity, n. Pludge, A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. Finance, «. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advant- age of the manager. this word with first the is i the syllable The pronunciation of long and the accent on one of America's most precious discoveries and possessions. Flag, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one sees on vacant lots in London "Rubbish may be shot here." Flesh, «. The Second Person of the secular Trinity. 101 Flop, change one's opinions and go over to another party. The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our partisan journals. v. Suddenly to Fly-Speck, It is n. The prototype of punctuation. of punctuation in use habits observed by Garvinus that the systems by the various literary nations depended originally upon the social and general diet of the flies infesting These creatures, which have always been distinguished for a neighborly and companionable familiarity with the several countries. authors, liberally or niggardly embellish the manuscripts in process of growth under the pen, according to their bodily habit, bring- ing out the sense of the ent of, work by to, a species of interpretation superior and independ- the writer's masters" of literature early writers —that powers. is The "old to say, the whose work is so esteemed by later scribes and critics in the same language never punctuated at all, but worked — right along free-handed, without that ab- ruption of the thought which comes from (We observe the same the use of points. thing in children to-day, whose usage in this — 102 particular is a striking and beautiful in- stance of the law that the infancy of indiv- methods and stages development characterizing the infancy of In the work of these primitive of races.) scribes all the punctuation is found, by the modern investigator with his optical instruments and chemical tests, to have been inserted by the writers' ingenious and serviceiduals reproduces the able collaborator, the common house-fly these Musca ancient maledicta. In transcribing MSS, work for the purpose of either maktheir ing the own or preserving what they naturally regard as divine revelations, and accurately copy whatever marks they find upon the papyrus later writers reverently or parchment, to the unspeakable enhance- ment of the lucidity of the thought and value of the work. Writers contemporary with the copyists naturally avail themselves of the obvious advantages of these marks in their own work, and with such assistance as the flies of their own household may be willing to grant, frequently rival and sometimes surpass the older compositions, in spect at least of punctuation, re- which is no small glory. Fully to understand the im- portant services that flies perform to literal- 103 ure it is only necessary to lay a page of novelist alongside a saucer some popular observe of cream-and-molasses in a sunny room and the style "how the wit brightens and refines" in accurate proportion to the dura- tion of exposure. Folly, n. That "gift and faculty divine" whose spires creative and controlling energy inMan's mind, guides his actions and life. adorns his Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once authors known, power have shown, Deign to take homage from thy son who hunts Through all thy maze his brothers, fool and dunce, To mend their lives and to sustain his own, In a thick volume, and all If not thy glory yet thy However feebly be his arrows thrown, Howe'er each hide the flying weapons blunts. it All-Father Folly! be With With lusty lung, here mine on to raise. this western strand all thine oflFspring thronged from every land, praise. Thyself inspiring me, the song of And if too weak, I'll hire, to help me bawl, all. Dick Watson Gilder, gravest of us Aratnis Loto Frope. Fool, «. A person who pervades the domain of intellectual speculation and dififuses him- — 104 self — He through the channels of moral activity. is omnific, omniform, omnipercipient, omniscient, omnipotent. He it was who in- vented letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, the telegraph, the platitude and He created pathe circle of the sciences. triotism and taught the nations war mon- founded theology, philosophy, law, medicine and Chicago. He established archical and republican government. He is from everlasting to everlasting such as creation's dawn beheld he fooleth now. In the morning of time he sang upon primitive hills, and in the noonday of existence headed the procession of being. His grandmotherly hand has warmly tucked-in the set sun of civilization, and in the twilight he prepares Man's evening meal of milkand-morality and turns down the covers of — the universal grave. us shall And after the rest of have retired for the night of eternal oblivion he will sit up to write a history of human Force, n. civilization. "Force is but might," the teacher said definition's just." "That The boy said naught but thought instead, 105 Remembering "Force is his pounded head: not might but must!" Forefinger, «. The finger commonly used in pointing out two malefactors. FOREORDINATION, n. This looks like an easy word but when I consider that pious and learned theologians have spent long lives in explaining it, and written lito define, ; braries to explain their explanations I when remember that nations have been divided and bloody battles caused by the difference between foreordination and predestination, and that millions of treasure have been expended in the effort to prove and disprove its compatibility with freedom of the will and the eflicacy of prayer, praise, and a rerecalling these awful facts in ligious life, the history of the word, I stand appalled before the mighty problem of its significa- — tion, abase my spiritual eyes, fearing to con- template its portentous magnitude, rever- and humbly refer it to His Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His Grace ently uncover Bishop Potter. FORGETFULNESS, «. A gift of God bestowed 106 upon debtors in compensation for their des- titution of conscience. Fork, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth. Formerly the knife was employed for this purpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many advantages over the other tool, which, however, they do not altogether reject, but use to asThe immunity sist in charging the knife. of these persons from swift and awful death is one of the most striking proofs of God's mercy to those that hate Him. Forma Pauperis litigant (Latin). of a poor person — In the character a is a method by which without money for lawyers con- siderately permitted to lose his case. When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court (For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented) Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report, He "You So all stood and pleaded unhabilimented. sue in forma pauperis, I see," Eve cried; "Actions can't here be that way prosecuted." poor Adam's motions coldly were denied: He went away — as he had come — nonsuited. G.J. 107 Frankalmoigne, tion of n. The religious corporation holds lands tenure by which a on condi- praying for the soul of the donor. In mediaeval times many of the wealthiest fraternities obtained their estates in this simple and cheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of England sent an officer to confiscate certain vast possessions which a monks held by frankalmoigne, "What!' said the Prior, "would your master fraternity of our benefactor's soul in Purgatory?" "Ay," said the officer, coldly, "an ye will not pray him thence for naught he must e'en stay "But look you, my son," persisted good man, "this act hath rank as robbery of God!" "Nay, nay, good father, my master the king doth but deliver Him from roast." the the manifold temptations of too great wealth." Freebooter, of n. A conqueror in a small way business, whose annexations lack the sanctifying merit of magnitude. Freedom, n. Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half dozen of restraint's infinite multitude of methods. political condition that every nation sup- A 108 poses itself to enjoy in virtual monopoly. Liberty. The distinction between freedom ; and liberty is not accurately known naturhave never been able to find a living specimen of either. alists Freedom, as every schoolboy knows, Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell; On every w^ind, indeed, that blows I hear her yell. She screams whenever monarchs meet. And parliaments as well, To bind the chains about her feet And toll her knell. And when the sovereign people The votes they cannot spell, Upon the pestilential blast cast Her clamors For all swell. to whom the power's given To sway or to compel, Among themselves apportion Heaven Blary O'Gary. And give her Hell. Freemasons, grotesque n. An order with secret rites, ceremonies and fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, among working artisans of Lon- 109 don, has been joined successively by the dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of Chaos and the Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, and Zoroaster, Confucius, Thothmes, Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the Egyptian Pyramids always by a Free- — mason. Friendless, adj. of truth and Having no favors to bestow. to utterance Destitute of fortune. Addicted sense. common Friendship, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul. The sea was calm and the sky was blue; Merrily, merrily sailed we two. glad.) (High barometer maketh On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout, a 110 The tempest descended and we fell (O the walking is nasty bad!) out. Armit Huff Settle. Frog, A reptile with edible legs. The mention of frogs in profane literature is in Homer's narrative of the war between them and the mice. Skeptical persons have doubted Homer's authorship of the work, but the learned, ingenious and industrious Dr. Schliemann has set the question forever at rest by uncovering the bones of the slain frogs. One of the forms of moral suasion by which Pharaoh was besought to favor the Israelities was a plague of frogs, but Pharaoh, who liked them fricasees, remarked, with truly oriental stoicism, that he could stand it as long as the frogs and the Jews could; so the programme was «. first changed. The frog is a diligent songster, ear. having a good voice but no Aristophanes, is The by libretto of his favorite opera, as written simple and effective is apparently by that eminent composer, Richard Wagner. Horses have a frog in each hoof — "brekekex-koax" thoughtful brief, ; the music — provision of nature, race. enabling them to shine in a hurdle Ill Frying-Pan, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented by Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died without baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva. Thence it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of invaluable assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith. The following lines (said be from the pen of his Grace Bishop Potter) seem to imply that the usefulness of this utensil is not limited to this world; to but as the consequences of its employment in this life reach over into the life to come, so also itself may be found on the other side, rewarding its devotees: Old Nick was summoned Said Peter: to the skies. "Your intentions Are good, but you Concerning new lack enterprise inventions. — 112 "Now, broiling is an ancient plan it Of torment, but I hear Reported that the frying-pan Sears best the wicked spirit. fill it up with fat brown and good in't.'' "I know a trick worth two o' that," "Go get one — Fry sinners Said Nick— "I'll «. cook their food in't." Funeral, pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. The savage dies A To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse. friends expire fly Our —they a horse —we make the money sacrifice it In hope their souls will chase to the sky. Jex Wopley. Future, afifairs n. That period of time is in which our and prosper, our friends are true assured. our happiness G Gallows, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor — 113 is translated to heaven. is gallows chiefly In this country the remarkable for the numescape it. ber of persons who Whether on the gallows high Or where The Is blood flows the reddest, noblest place for man to die where he died the deadest. Old Play. Gargoyle, n. A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of mediaeval buildings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some personal enemy of the architect or owner of the building. This was especially the case in churches and ecclesiastical structures generally, in which the gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' gallery of local heretics and controversialists. Sometimes when a new dean and chapter were installed were removed and others substituted having a closer relation to the the old gargoyles • private animosities of the new incumbents. Garter, band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. «. An elastic Generous, adj. Originally this word meant 114 noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest. Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own. Genteel, a gent. adj. Refined, after the fashion of Observe with care, is my son, the distinction I reveal: A gentleman gentle and a gent genteel. presents, Heed not the definitions your "Unabridged" For dictionary makers are generally gents. G.J. Geographer, chap who can tell you offhand the difference between the outside of the world and the inside. n. A Habeam, geographer of wide renown, Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town. In passing thence along the river Zam To Got the adjacent village pf Xelam, Bewildered by the multitude of roads, lost, lived long on migratory toads. Then from exposure miserably died, And grateful travelers bewailed their guide. Henry Haukhorrt, — 115 Geology, — of n. The science of the earth's crust to its which, doubtless, will be added that interior whenever a up garrulous out of a well. man shall come The geological formations of the globe already noted are catalogued thus: The Primary, or lower one, consists of rocks, bones of gas-pipes, mired mules, statues miners' tools, antique minus the cestors. nose, Spanish doubloons and an- of red The Secondary is largely made up worms and moles. The Tertiary comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy boots, beer bottles, to- mato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage, an- archists, snap-dogs and fools. visible sign of Ghost, n. The outward and an inward fear. He saw It a ghost. occupied — that dismal thing! The path that he was following. fly, Before he'd time to stop and An He earthquake trifled with the eye That saw a fell as fall ghost. the early good; Unmoved The stars that awful vision stood. that danced before his ken He wildly brushed away, and then He saw a post. Jared Macphesier. 116 Accounting for the uncommon behavior of ghosts, Heine mentions somebody's ingenious theory to the effect that they are as much afraid of us as we of them. Not quite, may judge from such tables of comparative speed as I am able to compile from memories of my own experience. if I one insuperable obstacle to a ghost never comes naked he appears either in a winding-sheet or "in his habit as he lived." To believe in him, then, is to believe that not only have the dead the power to make themselves visible after there is nothing left of them, but is There : belief in ghosts. A same power inheres in textile Supposing the products of the loom to have this ability, what object would they have in exercising it? And why docs that the fabrics. not the apparition of a suit of clothes sometimes walk abroad without a ghost in it? These be riddles of significance. They reach away down and get a convulsive grasp on the very tap-root of this flourishing faith. Ghoul, n. A demon addicted to the repre- hensible habit of devouring the dead. existence of ghouls has been disputed class of controversialists The by that who are more con- 117 deprive the world of comforting it anything good in their place. In 1640 Father Secchi saw one in a cemetery near Florence and frightened it to cemed beliefs than to give away with scribes it the sign of the cross. He de- with many heads and an uncommon allowance of limbs, and he saw it in more than one place at a time. The good man was coming away from dinner at the time and explains that if he had not been "heavy with eating" he would have seized the demon at all hazards. Atholston relates that a ghoul was caught by some sturdy peasants in a churchyard at Sudbury and ducked in a horsepond. (He appears as gifted to think that so distinguished a criminal should have been ducked in a tank of rosewater.) The water turned at once to blood "and so contynues unto ys daye." The pond has since been bled with a ditch. As late as the beginning of the fourteenth century a ghoul was cornered in the crypt of the cathedral at Amiens and the whole population surrounded the place. Twenty armed men with a priest at their head, bearing a crucifix, entered and captured the ghoul, which, thinking to escape by the stratagem, had transformed itself to the semblance of 118 but was nevertheless hanged, drawn and quartered in the midst of hideous popular orgies. The citizen a well citizen, known whose shape the demon had assumed was so affected by the sinister occurrence that he never again showed himself in Amiens and his fate remains a mystery. Glutton, «. A person who escapes the evils of moderation by committing dyspepsia. Gnome, n. In North-European mythology, a dwarfish imp inhabiting the interior parts of in in of the earth and having special custody Bjorsen, mineral treasures. 1765, says who died gnomes were common enough Sweden in his boyhood, and he frequently saw them scampering on the hills in the evening twilight. the southern parts of Ludwig Binkerhoof saw 1792, in the three as recently as Black Forest, and Sneddeker avers that in 1803 they drove a party of miners out of a Silesian mine. Basing our computations upon data supplied by these statements, we find that the gnomes were probably extinct as early as 1764. Gnostics, n. A sect of philosophers who 119 between the early Christians and the Platonists. The former would not go into the caucus and the comtried to engineer a fusion bination failed, greatly to the chagrin of the fusion managers. Gnu, in n. An animal of South Africa, which domesticated state resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition it is something like a thunderbolt, an earthits quake and a cyclone. A hlinter Of a And he In its from Kew caught a distant view peacefully meditative gnu, said: "I'll pursue, and my hands imbrue blood at a closer interview." it But that beast did ensue and the hunter threw O'er the top of a palm that adjacent grew; And he said as he flew: "It is well I withdrew Ere, losing my temper, I wickedly slew That really meritorious gnu." Jam Good, ad]. Leffer. Sensible, madam, Alive, to the sir, worth of this present writer. to the ad- vantages of letting him alone. Goose, «. writing. bird that supplies quills for These, by some occult process of A 120 nature, are penetrated and suffused with various degrees of the bird's intellectual energies and emotional character, so that when inked and drawn mechanically across paper by a person called an "author," there results a very fair and accurate transcript of the fowl's thought and feeling. The difference in geese, as discovered by this in- genious method, is considerable: trivial many are and insignificant powers, but some are seen to be very great to found have only geese indeed. Gorgon, n. The Gorgon was a maiden bold Who turned to stone the Greeks of old That looked upon her awful brow. We And dig them out of ruins now, swear that workmanship so bad all the ancient sculptors Proves mad. Gout, n. A physician's name for the rheumat- ism of a rich patient. Graces, beautiful goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia and Euphrosyne, who attended upon Venus, serving without salary. n. Three : — 121 They were at no expense for board and to the weather, clothing, for they ate nothing to speak of and dressed according ing wearbe whatever breeze happened to blowing. Grammar, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfeet of the self-made fully prepared for the man, along the path by which he advances to distinction. Grape, n. Hail noble fruit ! — ^by Homer sung, Anacreon and Khayyam; Thy praise is ever on the tongue Of better men than I am. The lyre my hand has never The song I cannot offer swept, My humbler I'll service pray accept kill help to the scoffer. The water-drinkers and the cranks load their skins with liquor- Who And ril gladly bare their belly-tanks tap them with my sticker. — — — ! ; — 122 Fill up, fill up, for wisdom cools rest. When And e'er we let the wine Here's death to Prohibition's every kind of vine-pest fools. Jamrach Holobom. GrAPESHOT, ture of is n. An preparing in answer argument which the futo the demands American Socialism. n. Grave, to A place in which the dead are laid await the coming of the medical student Beside a lonely grave I stood With brambles 'twas encumbered The winds were moaning in the wood, Unheard by him who slumbered. A rustic standing near, I said: "He cannot hear said it blowing!" he: "'Course not," "the feller's dead He "Too can't hear nowt that's going." true," I said; "alas, too true No The sound his sense is can quicken!" that to "Well, mister, wot you? deadster ain't a-kickin'." T knelt and prayed: "O Father, smile On And him, and mercy show him!" That countryman looked on the while, said: "Ye didn't know him." Pobeter Dunk. — 123 Gravitation, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another Avith a strength proportioned to the quantity of matter they contain tain —the quantity of matter they con- their being ascertained by the strength of tendency to approach one another. is This and edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, makes B the proof of A, a lovely adj. said Great, "I'm great," the Lion —"I reign The monarch The of the wood and plain!" Elephant replied: "I'm great No quadruped can match my weight!" no animal has half So long a neck!" said the Giraffe. "I'm great — "I'm great," the Kangaroo said — "see My My An To femoral muscularity!" said: The 'Possum tail is lithe "I'm great ^behold, and bald and cold!" — Oyster fried was understood say: "I'm great because I'm good!" consist Each reckons greatness to In that in which he heads the list, 124 And Vierick thinks he tops his class is Because he the greatest ass. Arion Spurl Doke. Guillotine, reason. machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good n. A In his great work on Divergent Lines of Racial Evolution, the learned Professor Brayfugle argues from the prevalence of this gesture the shrug among Frenchmen, that they are descended from turtles and it is simply a survival of the habit of — — head inside the shell. It is with reluctance that I differ with so eminent an authority, but in my judgment (as more elaborately set forth and enforced in my work entitled Hereditary Emotions lib. II, c. XI) the shrug is a poor foundation upon which to build so important a theory, retracting the — for previously to the Revolution the gesture was unknown. I have not a doubt that it is directly referable to the terror inspired by the guillotine during the period of that in- strument's activity. Gunpowder, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of dis- 125 putes which might become troublesome left if unadjusted. By most writers the inven- tion of ese, gunpowder is ascribed to the Chinbut not upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it was invented by the devil and this opinion seems some support from the scarcity of angels. Moreover, it has the hearty concurrence of the Hon, James Wilson, Secretto dispel angels with, to derive ary of Agriculture. Secretary Wilson became interested in gunpowder through an event that occurred on the Government experimental farm in the District of Columbia. of the Secretary's One day, sev- eral years ago, a rogue imperfectly reverent profound attainments and him with a sack of gunpowder, representing it as the seed of the Flashawful flabhergastor, a Patagonian cereal of great commercial value, admirably adapted to this climate. The good Secretary was instructed to spill it along in a furrow and afterward inhume This he at once proceeded to it with soil. do, and had made a continuous line of it personal character presented way across a ten-acre field, when he was made to look backward by a shout from the generous donor, who at once all the 126 dropped a lighted match into the furrow at Contact with the earth had somewhat dampened the powder, but the startled functionary saw himself pursued by a tall moving pillar of fire and the starting-point. smoke in fierce evolution. He stood for a moment paralyzed and recollected an all, speechless, then he engagement and, dropping absented himself thence with such sur- prising celerity that to the eyes of spectators along the route selected he appeared like a long, dim streak prolonging itself with inconceivable rapidity through seven villages, and audibly refusing to be comforted. "Great Scott! what is that?" cried a sur- veyor's chainman, shading his eyes and gaz- ing at the fading line of agriculturist which bisected his visible horizon. "That," said the surveyor, carelessly glancing at the phe- nomenon and again centering his attention upon his instrument, "is the Meridian of Washington." H Habeas Corpus. be taken out of A writ by which a man may jail when confined for the wrong crime. 127 Habit, «. A shackle for the free. Hades, dead «. The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; the place live. where the Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not synonymous with our Hell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there in a very comfortable kind of way. selves Indeed, the Elysian were a part of Fields themHades, though they have since been removed to Paris. When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in process of evolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work insisted by a majority vote on translating the Greek word "AtSirjq" as "Hell"; but a conscientious minority member secretly possessed himself of the record and struck out the objectionable word wherever he could find it. At the next meeting, the Bishop of Salisbury, looking over the work, suddenly sprang to his feet and said with considerable excitement: "Gentlemen, somebody has been razing 'Hell' here!" Years afterward the good prelate's death was made sweet by the reflection that he had been the means (under Providence) of making an important, 128 serviceable and immortal addition to the phraseology of the English tongue. Hag, n. happen An elderly lady whom you do not also, to like; sometimes called, a hen, or cat. Old witches, sorceresses, etc., were called hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a kind of baleful lumination or ular nimbus^hag being the pop- name of that peculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair. At one time hag was not a word of reproach: Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag, all smiles," much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench." It would not now be proper to call your sweetheart a hag that compliment is reserved for the use of her grand- — children. Half, n. a thing divided. One of two equal may be divided, In the parts into which as or considered fourteenth century a heated discussion arose among theologists and philosophers as to whether Omniscience could part an object into three halves; and the pious Father Aldrovinus publicly that prayed in the cathedral at Rouen God would demonstrate the affirmative of the 129 proposition in some signal and unmistakable way, and particularly (if it should please body of that hardy blasphemer, Manutius Procinus, who mainthe Him) upon the tained negative. Procinus, however, was spared to die of the bite of a viper. Halo, n. Properly, a luminous ring en- circling an astronomical body, but not in- frequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus," a somewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities and saints. The halo is a purely optical illusion, pro- duced by moisture in the air, in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferred as a sign of superior sanctity, in the same or the Pope's tiara. In the painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, a pious artist of Pesth, not only do the Virgin and the Child wear the nimbus, but an ass nibbling hay from the sacred manger as a bishop's mitre, is way similarly decorated and, to his lasting honor be it said, appears to bear his unaccustomed dignity with a truly saintly grace. Hand, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. — 130 Handkerchief, n. A small square of silk or linen, used in various ignoble offices about the face and .especially serviceable at funerals to conceal the lack of tears. The handkerchief cestors is of recent invention knew nothing of it our anand intrusted its ; duties to the sleeve. Shakespeare's intro- ducing it into the play of "Othello" is an anachronism: Desdemona dried her nose with her skirt, as Dr. Mary Walker and other reformers have done with their coattails in our own day an evidence that revolutions sometimes go backward. — Hangman, law charged with duties of the highest dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States his functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, where executions by electricity have recently been ordered n. An officer of the the first instance known to this lexic- ographer of anybody questioning the expediency of hanging Jerseymen. Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. 131 Harangue, n. A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harangue-outang. Harbor, «. A place where ships taking shelter from storms are exposed to the fury of the customs. Harmonists, extinct, «. A sect of Protestants, now who came from Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions. Hash, — There is no definition for nobody knows what hash is. x. this word Hatchet, ians as a n. A young axe, known among Ind- Thomashawk. bury the hatchet, irascible Red, For peace is a blessing," the White Man said. The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, With imposing rites, in the White Man's head. "O John Lukkus, Hatred, «. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. 132 Head-Money, tax. n. A capitation tax, or poll- In ancient times there lived a king Whose tax-collectors could not wring From all his subjects gold enough To make the royal way less rough. For pleasure's highway, like the dames Whose premises adjoin it, claims Perpetual repairing. So The tax-collectors in a row Appeared before the throne to pray Their master to devise some way To swell the revenue. "So great," collect Said they, "are the demands of state A tithe of all that we Will scarcely meet them. Pray reflect: How, if one-tenth we must resign, Can we exist on t'other nine?" The monarch asked them in reply: "Has it occurred to you to try The advantage of economy?" the "It has," spokesman said: "we sold All of our gay garrotes of gold; With plated-ware we now compress The necks of those whom we assess. Plain iron forceps we employ To mitigate the miser's joy hoards, with greed that never tires, Who That which your Majesty requires." Deep lines of thought were seen to plow Their way across the royal brow. 133 "Your state is desperate, no question; Pray favor me with a suggestion." the spokesman said, "O King of Men," "If you'll impose upon each head A tax, the augmented revenue We'll cheerfully divide with you." As flashes of the sun illume "I decree The The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom, king smiled grimly. it That be so —and, not to be In generosity outdone, Declare you, each and every one. Exempted from the operation this new law of capitation. But lest the people censure me Because they're bound and you are free, 'Twere well some clever scheme were laid By you this poll-tax to evade. I'll leave you now while you confer Of With my most trusted minister." The monarch from the throne-room walked And straightway in among them stalked A silent man, with brow concealed. Bare-armed — his gleaming axe revealed! G.J. Hearse, «. Death's baby-carriage. Heart, «. An automatic, muscular bloodpump. Figuratively, this useful organ is said to be the seat of emotions and senti- ; ments ever, —a is very pretty fancy which, hownothing but a survival of a once uniIt is versal belief. now known that the sentiments and emotions reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical fluid. action of the gastric The exact feel- process by ing —tender or which a beefsteak becomes a not, according to the age of it the animal a caviar from which cessive stages of elaboration was cut; the sucthrough which sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a pungent epigram the marvelous functional methods of converting a hard-boiled egg into religious contrition, ibility —these or a cream-pufif into a sigh of sensthings have been patiently by him expounded with convincing lucidity. (See, also, my monograph. The Essential Identity of the Spiritual Affections and Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion 4to, 687 ascertained by Pasteur, and M. — pp.) Delectatio In a scientific work entitled, (John this I believe, Demonorum Camden Hotton, London, 1873) view of the sentiments receives a striking illustration; and for further light consult Professor Dam's famous treatise on Love as a Product of Alimentary Maceration. — 135 Heat, n. Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode know now how he's proving His point; but this I know hot words bestowed With skill will set the human fist a-moving, Of motion, but I — And where it stops the stars Crede expertum — burn free and wild. I have seen them, child. Gorton Swope. Heathen, see n. A benighted According creature who has the folly to worship something that he can and feel. to Professor HowHe- ison, of the California State University, brews are heathens. "The Hebrews are heathens!" says Howison. He's - A A Of Christian philosopher. I'm you please. scurril agnostical chap, if Addicted too much to the crime religious discussion in rhj^ne. Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree On And a modus vivendi —not they! Yet Heaven has had the designing of me, I haven't been reared in a way To For joy in the thick of the fray. this of my creed it is the soul and the gist, And the truth of I aver: Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist, — 136 — — An 'ite, an 'ic, or an 'er And I'm down upon him or her! Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin Toleration — is that's all very well, But a roast he's "nuts" to his nostril thin, And running — I know by the smell A secret and personal Hell! Bissell Gip. Heaven, A place where the wicked cease n. from troubling you with talk of their personal afifairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own. n. A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an altogether superior Hebrew, . creation. " ^ Helpmate, "Now, why n. A wife, or bitter half. Pat?" is yer wife called a helpmate, Says the priest. "Since the time o' yer wooin' She's niver assisted in what ye were at For it's naught ye are ever doin'." replies. "That's true of yer Riverence," Patrick And no sign of contrition evinces; it's "But, bedad, a to For she helps fact which the word mate the expinses!" implies, Marley Wottel. 137 Hemp, «. is made plant from whose fibrous bark an article of neckwear which is fre- A quently put on after public speaking in the open air and prevents the wearer from taking cold. Hermit, n. A person whose vices His. and follies are not sociable. Hers, pron. Hibernate, v. i. To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. There have been many singular popular notions about the hiberna- tion of various animals. Many believe that the bear hibernates during the whole winter and subsists paws. It is by mechanically sucking admitted that it comes out of it it its its retirement in the spring so lean that to try twice before has can cast a shadow. Three or four centuries ago, in England, no fact was better attested than that swallows passed the winter months in the mud at the bottoms of the brooks, clinging together in globular masses. They have apparently been compelled to give up the custom on account of the foulness of the brooks. Sotus Escobius discovered in Central Asia a whole 138 nation of people to who hibernate. By some Lent is supposed modified form of hibernation, to which the Church gave a religious significance; but this view was strenuously opposed by that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, who did not wish any honors denied to the memory of the Founder investigators, the fasting of have been originally a of his family. HlPPOGRlFF^ n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogrifif was actually, therefore, only one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and is fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology n. full of surprises. Historian, History, n. A An broad-gauge gossip. account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools. Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown 'Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish 'twere as a guide. known, Ere we accept great Niebuhr Wherein he blundered and how much he lied. Salder Bupp. 139 Hog, of n. its A bird remarkable for the catholicity appetite and serving to illustrate that the Mahometans and Jews, not in favor as an article of diet, respected for the delicacy of its habits, is of ours. Among the hog is but of the beauty of its its plumage and the melody voice. is It is chiefly as a songster that esteemed; a cage of him in full chorus has been known to draw tears from the fowl two persons at once. is The scientific name of this dicky-bird Porcus Rockefelleri. the hog, Mr. Rockefeller did not discover but it is considered his by right of resem- blance. HOMCEOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession. HOMCEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midScidis- way between Allopathy and Christian ence. To the last both the others are tinctly inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they can not. Homicide, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable and praiseworthy, but it makes no great dif- 140 ference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another the classification is — for advantage of the lawyers. HOMiLETics, «. The science of adapting ser- mons So to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation. skilled the parson all his was in homiletics That moral purges and emetics spirit To medicine the were compounded With a most just discrimination founded Upon a rigorous examination Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration. Then, having diagnosed each one's condition, His scriptural specifics this physician Administered — his pills so efficacious And That pukes of disposition so vivacious souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam Were But convalescent ere they Slander's tongue bilious — knew they had 'em. itself all coated — uttered mind and scandalously muttered That in the case of patients having money The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey. Biography of Bishop Potter, Her Honorable, adj. Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." — 141 Hope, one. «,. Desire and expectation rolled into Delicious Hope! when naught to man is left Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft; When With While even his dog deserts him, and his goat tranquil disaffection chews his coat yet it hangs upon his back; then thou, The on thine angel brow, Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint star far-flaming The promise of a clerkship in the Mint. Fogarty Weffing, Hospitality, to feed not in n. The virtue which induces us and lodge certain persons who are need of food and lodging. Hostility, n. peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the earth's overpopulation. Hostility is classed as active and passive; as (respectively) the feeling of a A woman sex. for her female friends, and that entertains for all the rest of her which she HOURI, «. A comely female inhabiting the Paradise to Mohammedan lief in make things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose beher existence marks a noble discon- 142 with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a soul. By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in deficient esteem. tent House, hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and n. A microbe. House of Correction, a place of reward for political and personal service, and for the detention of offenders and ap- God, a building with a steeple and a mortgage on it. Housedog, a pestilent beast kept on domestic premises to insult persons passing by and appal House-maid, a youngthe hardy visitor. erly person of the opposing sex employed to be variously disagreeable and ingeniously unclean in the station in which It has propriations. House of pleased God to place her. Houseless, adj. Having paid all taxes on household goods. Hovel, n. The fruit of a flowet called the Palace. Twaddle had a hovel, Twiddle had a palace; — 143 Twaddle said: "I'll grovel Or he'll think I bear him malice"^ A sentiment as novel As a castor on a chalice. Down upon the middle Of his legs fell Twaddle And astonished Mr. Twiddle, Who began to lift his noddle, Feed upon the fiddleFaddle flummery, unswaddlti A new-born self-sufEciency and thin'kliimsdf amOdel. G.J. Humanity, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the anthropoid poets. Humorist, n. plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick. A Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind See jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined Whose His simple appetite, untaught to stray, brains, renewed by night, consumes by day. an equal his sty, He thinks, admitted to A graceful hog would bear company. Alexander Poke, Hurricane, n. An atmospheric demonstra- 144 tion once very common but now generally- abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain oldfashioned sea-captains. the construction of It is also used in the upper it. decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's usefulness has outlasted Hurry, n. The dispatch of bunglers. Husband, «. One who, having dined, charged with the care of the plate. is Hybrid, n. A pooled issue. A kind of Hydra, animal that the ancients under many heads. catalogued n. n. Hyena, A beast held in from its reverence by some habit of frequent- oriental nations ing at night the burial-places of the dead. But the medical student does Hypochondriasis, n. that. Depression of lot one's own spirits. of trash Some heaps upon a vacant Where long the village rubbish had been shot — 145 Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps "Hypochondriasis." It meant The Dumps. Bogul S. Purvy, Hypocrite, n. One who, professing virtues that he does not respect, secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises. ' I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first first word of the language, the first thought of the mind, the object of affection. In grammar pronoun of the first person and singular number. Its plural is said to it is a be We, but how there can be more than one myself is doubtless clearer to the grammarauthor of this incomConception of two myselves is difficult, but fine. The frank yet graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writer from a bad; the latter carries it with it is ians than to the parable dictionary. the loot. manner of a thief trying to cloak his Ichor, «. A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of blood. — 146 Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, Restrained the raging chief and said: "Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!" Mary Doke. breaker of idols, the worIconoclast, n. shipers whereof are imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest that he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he puUeth down but pileth not up. For the poor things would have other idols in place of those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But the "Ye shall have none at all, iconoclast saith for ye need them not; and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress the head of him and sit thereon till he squawk it." : A Idiot, «. tribe A member of a large and powerful whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision He sets the fashions of is unappealable. opinion and taste, — 147 dictates the limitations of speech and cir- cumscribes conduct with a dead-line. Idleness, n. model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices. A Ignoramus, self, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourand having certain other kinds that you about. know nothing Dumble was an ignoramus, Mumble was for learning famous. Mumble said one day to Dumble: "Ignorance should be more humble. Not a spark have you of knowledge That was got in any college." Dumble said to Mumble: "Truly You're self-satisfied unduly. Of things in college I'm denied A knowledge —you of all beside." Borelli. IlluMINATI, n. A sect of Spanish heretics of light weights the latter part of the sixteenth century; so called because they were cunctationds illuminati. — 148 Illustrious, adj. shafts of malice, Suitably placed for the envy and detraction. Imagination, n. poet and liar in Imbecility, or sacred n. A warehouse of facts, with joint ownership. A kind of divine inspiration, censorious critics of fire affecting this dictionary. Immigrant, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another. Immodest, one's adj. Having a strong sense of own merit, coupled with a feeble con- ception of worth in others. There was once a man in Ispahan Ever and ever so long ago, And For he had a head, the phrenologists said, fitted That him for a show. his modesty's bump was so large a lump (Nature, they said, had taken a freak) That its Of his hair, like a summit stood far above the wood mountain peak. So modest a man in all Ispahan, Over and over again they swore So humble and meek, you would vainly None ever was found before. seek; 149 Meantime the hump of that awful bump , Into the heavens contrived tc get To so great a height that they called the wight The man with a minaret. Ispahan There wasn't a man in all Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump; With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung He bragged of that beautiful bump Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page Bearing a sack and a bow-string too, And that gentle child "A little present for The saddest explained as he smiled: you." man in all Ispahan, Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same. "If I'd lived," said he, "my humility Had given me deathless fame!" Sukker Uffra. Immoral, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If man's notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of expediency; if they originated, or could have have originated, in any other way; if actions in themselves a moral character apart 150 from, and nowise dependent on, their consequences philosophy reason a disorder of the mind. all —then n. is a lie and Immortality, A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if Would allowed be right proud Eternally to die for. G.J. Impale, v. t. In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains fixed in the wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to impale is, properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the body, the victim being left in a sitting posture. common mode of punishment among many of the nations of anThis was a and tiquity, is still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Pown to the be- ginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in "churching" heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the "stoole of repentynge," and among the common people it was jocularly known as "rid- 151 ing the one legged horse." Ludwig Salz- mann informs is us that in Thibet impalement considered the most appropriate punishfor crimes against religion; and alin ment though China it is it secular offences, sometimes awarded for is most frequently ad- judged in cases of sacrilege. To the person in actual experience of impalement it must be a matter of minor importance by what kind of civil or religious dissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in the character of a weather-cock on the spire of the True Church. Impartial, ad]. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions. Impenitence, ishment. n. A state of mind between sin intermedi- ate in point of time and pun- Impiety, deity. n. Your irreverence toward my 152 Imposition, n. The to act of blessing or conse- crating by the laying on of hands — a cere- mony common cerity many known ecclesiastical sys- tems, but performed with the frankest sin- by the sect as Thieves. "Lo! by the laying on of hands," priest Say parson, and dervise, "We consecrate your cash To ecclesiastic service. No doubt you'll swear till At such an imposition. and lands all is blue Do." Polio Doncas. Impostor, honors. «. A n. rival aspirant to public Improbability, His tale he told with a solemn face And a tender, melancholy grace. Improbable 'twas, no doubt. When But all you came to think it out, crowd Their deep surprise avowed the fascinated And with a single voice averred 'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard— All save one who spake never a word. But sat as mum As if deaf and dumb. Serene, indifferent and unstirred. ; 153 Then all the others And scrutinized turned to him him limb from limb- Scanned him alive But he seemed to thrive And tranquiler grow each minute, As if there were nothing in it. "What! what!" cried one, "are you At what our friend has told ?" He Soberly then his eyes and gazed not amazed raised In a natural way And As he proceeded to say. "O no —not crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf: at all; I'm a liar myself." Improvidence, «. Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of to-morrow. Impunity, n. Wealth. Inadmissible, adj. Not competent to be considered. Said of certain kinds of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be entrusted with, and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of proceedings before themselves alone. Heresay evidence is inadmissible because the person quoted was unsworn and is not before the court for examination ary, ; yet most momentous actions, milit- commercial and of every other kind, are daily undertaken on hear political, 154 say evidence. evidence. There is no religion in the world that has any other Revelation is basis than hearsay hearsay evidence; that the Scriptures are the have only the testimony of word of God we men long dead in as whose identity is not clearly established and who any they are not sense. known to have been sworn Under the rules of evidence now exist in this country, assertion in the Bible has in its evidence admissible in a court of law. It cannot be proved that the battle of Blen- no single support any heim ever was fought, Assyria. that there a person as Julius Caesar, was such empire as such an But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon certain which women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decison it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many If there were no witches, suffered death. ions based — 155 human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv. In an unpromising manner, the auspices being unfavorable. Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking any important action or enterprise to obtain state prophets, from the augurs, or its some hint of probable outcome; and one of their favorite and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing the flight of birds —the omens thence derived being called auspices. News- paper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have decided that the word always in the plural shall mean "patronage" or "management" as, "The festivities were under the auspices of the Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers" or, ; ; — "The were auspicated by Knights of Hunger." hilarities the A If Roman slave appeared one day Before the Augur. Augur, smiling, made A checking gesture and displayed His open palm, which plainly itched, the —" here "Tell me, pray, For visibly its surface twitched. A denarius (the Latin nickel) Successfully allayed the tickle. And then the slave proceeded : "Please — 156 Inform me whether Fate decrees Success or failure in what I To-night Its (if it be dark) shall try. nature? Never mind 'Tis writ on this" — — I think and with a wink Which darkened Another denarius half the earth, he to view, drew Its shining face attentive scanned. Then slipped it into the good man's hand, Who "Wait While I retire to question Fate." That holy person then withdrew with great gravity said: The temple's rearward gate, Waving his robe of office. Each sacred peacock and its His sacred clay and, passing through cried "Shoo!" Straight mate fled (Maintained for Juno's favor) With clamor from the trees o'erhead, Where they were perching for the night. The temple's roof received their flight. For thither they would always go, When Back danger threatened them below. to the slave the Augur went: "My son, forecasting the event By flight of birds, I must confess The auspices deny success." That slave retired, a sadder man, Abandoning his secret plan Which was (as well the crafty seer Had from the first divined) to clear The wall and fraudulently seize On Juno's poultry in the trees. G. J. — 157 Income, n. The natural and rational gauge and measure of respectability, the commonly accepted standards being artificial, arbitrary and fallacious; for, as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in the play has justly remarked, "the true use and function of property (in whatsoever it consisteth coins, or land, or houses, or merchant-stuflf, or anything which of right to one's of may be named as holden own subservience) as also preferments and place, honors, all titles, and favor and acquaintance of persons it of quality or ableness, are but to get money. foUoweth that all things are truly to be rated as of worth in measure of their serviceableness to that end; and their posagreement thereto, neither the lord of an unproducing manor, howsoever broad and ancient, nor he who bears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet the pauper favorite of a king, being esteemed of level excellency with him whose riches are of daily accretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim and rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy." sessors Hence should take rank in Incompatibility, n. In matrimony a simil- 158 arity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, meek-eyed matron living just around the corner. It has even been known to wear a moustache. consist of a Incompossible, adj. Unable to exist if some- thing else exists. Two things are incomposs- ible when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for both as Walt Whitman's poetry and God's mercy to man. Incompossibility, it will be — seen, is only incompatibility let loose. In- low language as "Go heel mean to kill you on sight," the yourself I words, "Sir, we are incompossible," would stead of such — convey an equally significant and in stately courtesy are superior. intimation altogether Incubus, n. One of a race of highly im- proper demons who, though probably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen For a complete account their best nights. of incubi and succubi, including incuhte, and succubeB, see the Liber Demonorum of Protassus much (Paris, 1328), which contains curious information that would be a 159 out of place in a dictionary intended as a text-book for the public schools. Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan himself tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women, doubtless sometimes incubus, plays at greatly to the inconvenience and alarm of — — the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage vows, generally speaking. A certain lady applied to the parish priest to learn how they might, in the dark, said they dis- tinguish the hardy intruder from their hus- bands. his The holy man to hint a must feel brow test. for horns; but Hugo is ungallant "of enough the doubt of the efficacy Incumbent, est to the «. A person of the liveliest inter- outcumbents. Indecision, «. The chief element of success; "for whereas," saith Sir Thomas Brewbold, "there is but one way to do nothing and divers ways to do something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, it follow- eth that he still hath as astray who from indecision standeth not so many chances of going he who pusheth forwards" — 160 most clear and satisfactory exposition of the matter. "Your prompt eral decision to attack," said General Grant on a certain occasion to GenGordon Granger, "was admirable you had but five minutes to make up your mind ; in." "Yes, ordinate, sir," answered the victorious subis "it a great thing to know exactly in what to do in an emergency. When doubt whether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment I toss up a cop- — per." "Do you mean this to say that's what you did sake time?" "Yes, General; but for Heaven's don't reprimand me: I disobeyed the coin." to Indifferent^ distinctions adj. Imperfectly sensible things. cried Indolentio's wife, to all in life." among man!" "You tiresome "You've grown indifferent "I would be, dear, but "Indifferent?" he drawled with a slow smile; it is not worth while." Apuleius M. Gokul. Indigestion^ n. A disease which the patient and his friends frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the 161 salvation of mankind. As the simple it, Red it Man of the western wild put with, must be confessed, a certain force: "Plenty well, no pray; big bellyache, heap God." Indiscretion, n. The guilt of woman. to Inexpedient, adj. Not calculated advance one's interests. Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. Inferi^, n. (Latin.) Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices for propitation of the Dtt Manes, or souls of dead heroes; for the pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual needs, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailor might say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising materials. It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of Agamemnon that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with an audi- ence of that illustrious warrior's shade, who prophetically recounted to him the birth of — 162 Christ and the triumph of Christianity, giving him also a rapid but tolerably complete review of events Louis. down to the reign of Saint narrative ended abruptly at owing to the inconsiderate crowing of a cock, which compelled the ghosted King of Men to scamper back to Hades. There is a fine mediaeval flavor to this story, and as it has not been traced back further that point, The than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure writer at the court of Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of presumption in considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel's judgment of the matter might be different; and to that I bow wow. Infidel^ n. In New York, who one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one does. (See GiAOUR.) to, A kind of scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs, voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns, mission- aries, exhorters, priests, deacons, friars, hadjis, highmuezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders, primates, pre- 163 bendaries, pilgrims, clerks, prophets, imaums, arch- beneficiaries, vicars-choral, bishops, bishops, abbots, priors, preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, diocesans, abdals, curates, patriarchs, bonezs, santons, beads- men, canonesses, deans, residentiaries, subdeans, rural deans, charm-sellers, archdeacons, hierarchs, classleaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, tala- poins, centors, postulants, scribes, gooroos, sextons, prerever- beadles, revivalists, fakeers, ences, cenobites, perpetual readers, curates, chaplains, vicars, mudjoes, rabbis, novices, pastors, ulemas, lamas, sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens, cardinals, fragans, acolytes, rectors, prioresses, suf- cures, sophis, mutifs and pumpums. n. Influence, In politics, a visionary quo given in exchange for a substantial quid. Infralapsarian, believe that less «. One who to ventures to Adam need who not have sinned unin opposition to the he had a mind person's fall — Supralapsarians, less hold that that luck- was decreed from the beginning. Infralapsariaas are sometimes — — 164 ; called Sublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity of views about their Adam. their Two theologues once, as they wended To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall, Concerning poor " way Adam and what made him 'Twas Predestination," cried one fall of his — fall. "for the Lord Decreed he should "Not so "Which — own accord." 'twas Free will," the other maintained, led him to choose what the Lord had ordained." So fierce and so fiery grew the debate That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could So off flew their cassocks sate and caps to the ground And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round. Ere either had proved his theology right By winning, or even beginning, the fight, A A Of gray old professor of Latin came by, staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye. And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill foreordinational freedom of will) this reasonless Cried: "Sirrahs! warfare compose: Atwixt ye's no difference worthy of blows. The sects ye belong to I'm ready to swear Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear. You Infralapsarian son of a clown! — — Should only contend that While you —you Adam slipped down; Supralapsarian pup! Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up." — 165 It's all the You slip same whether up or down on a peel of banana brown. of thunder! Even Adam analyzed not his blunder, But thought he had slipped on a peal G.J. Ingrate, n. One who is receives a benefit from another, or "All otherwise an object of charity. "Nay," men are ingrates," sneered the cynic. The good philanthropist replied; "I did great service to a man one day Who never since has cursed me to repay. Nor vilified." "Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me to him With veneration I am overcome. straight And fain would have his blessing." "Sad your He cannot bless you, for I grieve to state The man is dumb." fate Ariel Selp. Injury, n. An offense next in degree of enormity Injustice, that to a slight. «. A burden which of all those we is load upon others and carry ourlightest in the i selves hands and heaviest upon the back. Ink, n. A villainous compound of tanno- 166 gallate of iron, gum-arabic and water, cliiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. The properties of ink are peculiar and contra- be used to make reputations and unmake them; to blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally dictory : it may and acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones in an edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal after- ward the rascal quality of the material. There are men called journalists who have established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others to get out of. Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paid to get in pays twice as out. much to get Innate, ad'}. is Natural, inherent to say, ideas that — as innate ideas, that we are born with, having to us. had them previously imparted doctrine of innate ideas is The itself one of the most admirable faiths of philosophy, being an innate idea and therefore inaccessible to disproof, though Locke foolit ishly supposed himself to have given black eye." Among innate ideas may "a be mentioned the belief in one's ability to con- 167 duct a newspaper, in the greatness of one's country, in the superiority of one's civilization, in the importance of one's personal affairs and in the interesting nature of one's diseases. In'ARDS, n. The stomach, heart, soul and eminent investigators do not class the soul as an in'ard, but that acute observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the mysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than our immortal part. To the contrary. Professor Garrett P. Servis holds that man's soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which forms the pith of his no tail and for demonstration of his faith points confidently to the fact that tailed animals have no souls. Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by believing other bowels. ; Many both. Inscription, thing. n. Something written on another Inscriptions are of many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the fame of some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record of his 168 services and virtues. To this class of inscrip- name of John Smith, penWashington monument. Following are examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones: (See EPITAPH.) tions belongs the ciled on the "In the sky my soul is found, And my body in the ground. By and by my body'U rise To my spirit in the skies, Soaring up to Heaven's gate. 1878." "Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree. Cut ds. down May 9th, 1862, aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 Indigenous." "Affliction sore long time she boar, in vain, Phisicians was Till Deth left released the dear deceased And Gone her a remain. in the regions of bliss." to join Ananias "The clay that rests beneath this stone As Silas Wood was widely known. Now, lying here, I ask what good It was to me to be S. Wood. O Man, let not ambition trouble you. Is the advice of Silas W." Fell to Earth Jan. off "Richard Haymon, of Heaven. 20, 1807, and had the dust brushed him Oct. 3, 1874-" —— 169 INSECTIVORA, n. "See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers, "How Providence provides for all His creatures!" "His care," the gnat said, "even the insects follows: For us He has provided wrens and swallows." Sempen Railey. Insurance, chance in n. An ingenious modern game of is which the player permitted to is enjoy the comfortable conviction that he beating the man who keeps the table. dear sir, Insurance Agent: house My it. that is a fine — pray let me insure House Owner: With pleasure. Please make the annual premium so low that by the time when, according to the tables of your actuary, be destroyed by less fire I it will probably will have paid you considerably than the face of the policy. Insurance Agent: afford to do that. O must dear, no —we could not so that We fix the premium you will have paid more. House Owner: How, then, can / afford that? Insurance Agent: Why, your house may burn down at any time. There was Smith's house, for example, which House Owner: son's house, Spare me — there were Brown's house, on the contrary, and Jones's house, and Robin- which Spare me/ Insurance Agent: — 170 House Owner: Let us understand each other. You want me to pay you money on the supposition that something will occur previously to the time set by yourself for expect as its occurrence. In other words, you me to bet that it my house will not last so long you say that will probably last. if Insurance Agent: But out insurance it your house burns with- will be a total loss. House Owner: burns,, all the Beg your pardon — ^by your actuary's tables I shall probably have saved, own when it premiums I would otherwise have paid amounting to more than the face of the policy to you they would have bought. But suppose it to burn, uninsured, before the time upon which your figures are based. If I could not afford that, how could you if it — were insured? Insurance Agent: O, we should make ourselves whole from our luckier ventures with other clients. Virtually, they pay your loss. House Owner: And to pay their losses? as virtually, then, don't I help their houses as likely Are not mine to burn before they have paid you as much The case stands this way: as you must pay them? you expect to take more money from your clients than you pay to them, do you not? Certainly; if Insurance Agent: we did not House Owner: money. I would not If it is trust you with with my Very well, then. certain, refer- ence to the whole body of your clients, that they lose money on you ies it is probable, with reference to any one It is these individual probabilit- of them, that he will. that make the aggregate certainty. — 171 Insurance Agent: I will pamph not deny it —but look the at the figures in this House Owner: Heaven forbid! Insurance Agent: You spoke of saving premiums which you would otherwise pay to me. Will you not be more likely to squander them? We offer you an incentive to thrift. House Owner: care of B's as The is willingness of A to take money not peculiar to insurance, but a charitable to institution its you command from a esteem. Deign Object. accept expression Deserving Insurrection, rule for n. An unsuccessful revolu- tion. Disaffection's failure to substitute mis- bad government. n. Intention, set ; The mind's sense of the pre- valence of one set of influences over another an effect whose cause is the imminence, immediate or remote, of the performance of act. an involuntary Interpreter, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. Interregnum, n. The period during which a 172 monarchical country is governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne. The experiment of letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy per- sons to make it warm again. Intimacy^ which fools providentially drawn for their mutual n. A relation into are de- struction. Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue And one in white, together drew, And having each a pleasant sense Of t'other powder's excellence, Forsoolt their jackets for the snug Enjoyment of a common mug. So close their intimacy grew One paper would have held the two. To confidences straight they fell. Less anxious each to hear than tell; Then each remorsefully confessed the virtues he possessed. To all Acknowledging he had them in So high degree it was a sin. The more they said, the more they Their spirits with emotion melt, Till tears of sentiment expressed felt Their feelings. Then they effervesced! : 173 So Nature executes her feats Of wrath on The good old That you are friends and sympathetes rule you and who won't apply, I am I. Introduction, n. A social ceremony invented by the devil for the gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies. The introduction attains its most malevolent development in this country, being, indeed, closely related to our political system. Every American being the equal of every other American, it follows that everybody has the right to know everybody else, which implies the right to introduce without request or permission. The Declaration of Independence should have read thus "We men hold these truths to be self-evident: that all are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right liberty, to make that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an incalculable quantity of acquaintances; particularly the liberty jfirst to introduce persons if to one another without not already ascertaining they are acquainted as enemies; and the pursuit of another's happiness with a running pack of strangers." Inventor, k. A person who makes an ingen- 174 arrangement of wheels, levers springs, and believes it civilization. ious and IRRELIGION, n. The principal one of the great faiths of the world. Itch, n. The patriotism of a Scotchman. J is consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel than which nothing could be more absurd. Its original form, which a — has been but slightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, and it was not a letter but a character, standing for a Latin verb, jacere, "to throw," because stone is when a thrown at a dog the dog's is tail assumes that shape. This letter, as the origin of the expounded by the renowned Dr. Jocolpus Bumer, of the University of Belgrade, who established his conclusions on work of three quarto volumes and committed suicide on being reminded that the j in the Roman alphabet had originally no curl. the subject in a 175 Jealous, if Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only adj. not worth keeping. Jester, n. An officer formerly attached to a king's household, whose business it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and utterances, the absurdity being attested by his motley costume. The king it himself be- ing attired with dignity, took the world some centuries to discover that his own conduct and decrees were sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of all mankind. The jester was commonly called a fool, but the poets and romancers have ever delighted to represent him as a In the singularly wise and witty person. circus of to-day the melancholy ghost of the court fool effects the dejection of humbler wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall, panged the patrician sense of humor and tapped the audiences with the same jests tank of royal tears. The widow-queen of Portugal Had an audacious jester Who entered the confessional Disguised, and there confessed her. — 176 "Father," she said, "thine ear bend down My I love sins are more than scarlet: my fool —blaspheming clown, varlet." priest replied, is is And common, base-born "Daughter," the mimic "That sin, indeed, awful: denied The church's pardon love that is To unlawful. "But since thy stubborn heart will be For him forever pleading, Thou'dst better make him, by decree, A man of birth and breeding." She made the fool a duke, in hope With Heaven's taboo to palter; Then told a priest, who told the Pope, Who damned her from the altar! Bar el Dort. Jews-harp, n. An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast with the teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger. Joss-sticks, Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy n. religion. Justice, «. A commodity which in a more or 177 less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service. K K is from the Greeks, but it can be traced away back beyond them to the Cerathians, a small commercial a consonant that we get nation inhabiting the peninsula of Smero. was called Klatch, which means "destroyed." The form of the letter was originally precisely that of our H, but In their tongue it the erudite Dr. Snedeker explains that it was altered to its present shape to commemorate the destruction of the great temple of Jarute by an earthquake, circa 730 B. C. This building was famous for the two lofty columns of its portico, one of which was broken in half by the catastrophe, the other remaining intact. As the earlier form of the letter is supposed to have been suggested by these pillars, so, it is thought by the great antiquary, its later was adopted not to say touchas a simple and natural means of keeping the calamity ever in ing It is not known if the national memory. — — 178 the name of the letter was altered if as an additional mnemonic, or the name was always Klatch and the destruction one of nature's puns. As each theory seems probable enough, I see no objection to believing both —and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself on t. that side of the question. Keep, v. He willed away his whole estate, And then in death he fell asleep, Murmuring: "Well, at any rate. My name unblemished I shall keep." But when upon the tomb 'twas wrought Whose was it? for the dead keep naught Durang Gophel Arn- — Kill, v. t. To create a vacancy without nom- inating a successor. Kilt, n. A costume in Scotchmen Scotland. sometimes worn by America and Americans in Kindness, «. A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction. King, n. A male person commonly known in — — — 179 America as a "crowned head," although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of, A king, in times long, long gone by. Said to his lazy jester: "If I were you and you were I My moments merrily would No fly care nor grief to pester." "The reason, Sire, that you would thrive," The fool said "if you'll hear it — Is that of all the fools alive Who own you for their sovereign, I've The most forgiving spirit." Oogum Bern. King's Evil, n. A malady that was formerly cured by the touch of the sovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians. Thus "the most pious Edward" of England used to lay his royal hand upon and make them whole a his ailing subjects That stay his cure: their crowd of wretched souls malady convinces his hand, The great essay of art; but at his touch. Such sanctity hath Heaven given They presently amend, as the "Doctor" in Macbeth hath it This 180 useful property of the royal hand could, to it appears, be transmitted along with other crown properties; for according colm, ') 'tis "Mal- spoken, To The the succeeding royalty he leaves healing benediction. But the of gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession: the later sovereigns England have not been tactual healers, and the disease once honored with the name "king's evil" now bears the humbler one of "scrofula," from scrofa, a sow. The date and author of the following epigram are to the known only but it is author of this dictionary, old enough to show that the jest is about Scotland's national disorder a thing of yesterday. not Y^ Kynge his evill in me laye, Wh. he of Scottlande He layde his hand on charmed awaye. mine and sayd: "Be gone!" Y« ill no longer stayd. But O y= wofull plyght in wh. I'm now y-pight: I have y= itche! The superstition that maladies can be cured is by royal taction dead, but like many a 181 departed conviction it has left a monument of custom to keep its memory green. The practice of forming in line and shaking the President's hand had no other origin, and when that great dignitary bestows his heal- ing salutation on strangely visited people, All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye, The mere despair of surgery, he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which once was kindled at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all It is a beautiful and edifyclasses of men. ing "survival" one which brings the sainted past close home to our "business and — bosoms." Kiss, n. A word invented by It is the poets as a to signify, rhyme for "bliss." supposed in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its performance is unknown to this lexicographer. Kleptomaniac, n. A rich thief. 182 Knight, Once n. a warrior gende of birth, a person of civic worth, a fellow to Then Now move our mirth. Warrior, person, and fellow We no more: must knight our dogs to get any lower. Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be, Noble Knights of the Golden Flea, St. — Knights of the Order of Steboy, Knights of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy. knighting fad God speed the day when this Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad. Koran, divine n. A book which inspiration, the Mohammedans by foolishly believe to have been written know to but which Christians be a wicked imposture, contradict- ory to the Holy Scriptures. Labor, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. Land, is «. A part of the earth's surface, con- sidered as property. The theory that land and control property subject to private ownership is the foundation of modern — 183 eminently worthy of the superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some have the right to prevent others from living; for the right to society, is and own implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass are enacted wherever property in land is recognized. It follows that if the whole area of terra firma is owned by A, B and C, there will be no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to exist, A life on the ocean wave, the rolling deep, that nature gave A home on I For the spark have there the right to keep. They give me the cat-o'-nine Whenever I go ashore. Then ho for the flashing brine ! I'm a natural commodore! Dodle. Language^ n. charm the treasure. The music with which we serpents guarding another's LaocoON, n. A famous piece of antique sculptname and ure representing a priest of that 184 his two sons in the folds of skill two enormous serpents. The and diligence with lads support the to their as which the old man and serpents and keep them up have been justly regarded work one of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human intelligence over brute inertia. Lap, n. One of the most important organs of the female system — an admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, plates of cold chicken but chiefly useful in rural festivities to support and heads of adult males. The male of our species has a rudimentary lap, imperfectly developed and in no way contributing to the animal's substantial welfare. Last, n. shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the A maker of puns. Ah, punster, would my is Where So that I the cobbler lot were cast, unknown, might forget his last And hear your own. Gargo Repsky, 185 Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, pro- ducing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable. Liability to attacks of laughter is one of the characteristics being not only inaccessible to the provocation of his example, but impregnable to the microbes having original jurisdiction in bestowal of the disease. Whether laughter could be imparted to animals by inoculation from the human patient is a question that has not been answered by experimentation. Dr. Meir Witchell holds that the infectious character of laughter is due to instantaneous fermentation of sputa diffused in a spray. From this peculiarity he names the disorder Convulsio spargens. from the animals —these distinguishing man Laureate, laurel. Crowned with leaves of the adj. In England the Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting as dancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royal funeral. Of all incumbents of that high office, Robert Southey had the most notable knack at drugging the Samson of public joy and cut- — 186 ting his hair to the quick; — and he had an art- istic color-sense which enabled him so to blacken a public grief as to give it the aspect of a national crime. Laurel^ to n. The laurus, a vegetable dedicated and formerly defoliated to wreathe the brows of victors and such poets {Vide Supra.) as had influence at court. Apollo, Law, n. Once Law was sitting on the bench, And Mercy knelt a-weeping. "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! Nor come before me creeping. Upon your knees if you appear, Tis plain your have no standing here." Then Justice came. His Honor cried: devil seize "Your status? — you!" "Arnica curiae," she replied "Friend of the court, so please you." "Begone I never I" he shouted — "there's the door saw your face before!" G. J. Lawful, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction. 187 Lawyer, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law. Laziness, in Unwarranted repose of manner a person of low degree. n. Lead, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to light lovers —particul- arly to those who love not wisely but other is men's wives. Lead also of great service as a counterpoise to an argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong way. An interesting fact in the chemistry of international controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is precipitated in great quantities. Hail, holy Lead! — of human feuds the great And With universal arbiter; endowed penetration to pierce any cloud field of controversial hate, Fogging the And with a swift, vital inevitable, straight, Searching precision find the unavowed But point. Thy it judgment, when allowed not for thee By the chirurgeon, settles the debate. useful metal! O — ^were We'd grapple one another's ears alway: thee buzzing like a bee But when we hear We, like And when old Muhlenberg, "care not to stay." the quick have run away like pullets Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets. 188 Learning, n. The kind of ignorance disting- uishing the studious. Lecturer, in «. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith your patience. Legacy, it n. A gift from one who tears. is legging out of this vale of Leonine, adj. Unlike a menagerie line lion. Leonin the ine verses are those in , which a word middle of a end, as in this famous passage rhymes with a word at the from Bella Peeler Silcox: The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades. Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores : "O tempera ! O mores !" It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake to teach the pronunciaation of the ine verses are so called in Greek and Latin tongues. Leonhonor of a poet prosodists appear to find first named Leo, whom to discover that a a pleasure in believing to have been the rhyming couplet could be run into a single line. — 189 Lettuce^ «. An herb of the genus Lactuca, "Wherewith," says that pious gastronome, Hengist Pelly, "God has been pleased to reward the good and punish the wicked. For by his inner light the righteous man has discerned a manner of compounding for it a dressing to the appetency whereof a multitude of gustible condiments conspire, being reconciled and ameliorated with profusion of oil, the entire comestible making glad the heart of the godly and causing his face to shine. But the person of spiritual unworth is successfully tempted of the Adversary to eat of lettuce with destitution of oil, mustard, egg, salt and garlic, and with a rascal vinegar polluted with sugar. Wherefore the person of spiritual unworth bath of suffers an intestinal pang of strange com- plexity and raises the song." Leviathan, n. An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job. Some suppose it to have been the whale, but that distinguished ichthyologer. Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University, maintains with considerable heat was a species of gigantic Tadpole, {Thaddeus Polandensis) or Polliwig Maria pseudo-hirsuta. For an exhaustive that it 190 Tadpole consult the famous monograph of Jane Porter, Thaddeus of Warsaw. description and history of the pestilent fellow who, Lexicographer, n. under the pretense of recording some particular stage in the development of a language, does what he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility and mechanize For your lexicographer, havits methods. ing written his dictionary, comes to be considered "as one having authority," whereas his function is A only to make a record, not to give a law. The natural servility of the human understanding having invested him with judicial power, surrenders its right of reason and submits itself to a chronicle as if it were a statute. Let the dictionary (for example) mark a good word as "obsolete" or "obsolescent" and few men thereafter venture to use it, whatever their need of it and however desirable its restoration to favor whereby the process of impoverishment is accelerated and speech decays. On the contrary, the bold and discerning writer who, recognizing the truth that language — must grow by innovation if it grow at all, makes new words and uses the old in an un- — 191 familiar sense, has no following and is tartly reminded that "it isn't in the dictionary" although down to the time of the first lexicographer (Heaven forgive him!) no author ever had used a word that was in the dictionary. In the golden prime and high noon of English speech when from the lips of the great Elizabethans fell words that made their own meaning and carried it in their very sound; when a Shakspeare and a Bacon were possible, and the language now rapidly perishing at one end and slowly renewed at the other was in vigorous growth and hardy preservation sweeter than honey and stronger than a lion the lexicographer ; — — was a person creation which "Let and unknown, the dictionary a his Creator had not created Form," swarm! her clothing, which they him God And to create. Spirit perish into said: lexicographers arose, a fled Thought left took, And catalogued each garment in a book. leafy covert clothes Now, from her "Give me my when I'll she cries: and return," they rise And scan the list, and say without compassion: Sigismund Smith. "Excuse us —they are mostly out of fashion." LlARj ra. A lawyer with a roving commission. 192 Liberty, «. One of Imagination's most prec- ious possessions. The rising People, hot and out of breath, Roared round the palace: "Liberty or death!" "If death will do," the King said, "let me reign; You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain." Martha Braymance. Lickspittle, n. A useful functionary, not inIn frequently found editing a newspaper. his character of editor to the he is closely allied blackmailer by the tie of occasional is identity; for in truth the lickspittle only the blackmailer under another aspect, though the latter is frequently found as an independent species. Lickspittling is more detestable than blackmailing, precisely as the business of a confidence man is more detestable than that of a highway robber; and the parallel maintains itself throughout, for whereas few robbers will cheat, every sneak will plunder if he dare. LiFEj n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. hension of missed. its We live in daily appre- loss; yet when lost it is not liv- The question, "Is life worth ing?" has been much discussed; particularly — — 193 by those who think it is not, many of whom have written at great length in support of their view and by careful observance of the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of successful controversy. "Life's not worth still living, and that's the truth," Carelessly caroled the golden youth. In manhood he maintained that view And "Go held it more strongly the older he grew. a surgeon at once!" cried he. When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three, fetch me Han Soper. Lighthouse, n. A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. Limb, n. The branch of a an American woman. 'Twas a tree or the leg of pair of boots that the lady bought, And the salesman laced them tight To a very remarkable height Higher, indeed, than I think he ought Higher than can be right. For the Bible declares ^but never mind: — It is hardly fit To censure With Myself freely and fault to find others for sins that I'm not inclined to commit. — 194 Each has his weakness, and though Is freedom from every sin, It still my own were unfair first to pitch in, Discharging the censorious stone. Besides, the truth compels me to say, The boots in question were the lace she As he drew made that way. made a grimace, And blushingly said to him: sure, is "This boot, I'm It hurts too high to endure, my —hurts my —limb." The salesman smiled in a manner mild, artless, Like an undesigning child; himself, to his face he gave Then, checking A look as sorrowful as the grave. Though As he he didn't care two throes. figs For her pains and stroked her toes. just Remarking with speech and manner Befitting his calling: "Madam, I trust That it doesn't hurt your twigs." B. Percival Dike. Linen, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, entails a great waste of hemp." Galcraft the Hangman. Litigant^ «. A n. person about to give up his his bones. skin for the hope of retaining Litigation, as a A machine which you go as a sausage. into pig and come out of — LlVER^ n. — 195 A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. The sentiments and emotions which every literary anatomist now knows to haunt the heart were anciently believed to infest the liver; and even Gascoygne, speaking of the emotional side of human nature, calls it "our hepaticall parte." It was at one time considered the seat of life hence its name liver, the thing we live with. The liver is heaven's best gift to the goose; without it that bird would be unable to supply us with ; the Strasbourg pate. LL.D. Letters indicating the degree Legump- tionorum Doctor, one learned in laws, gifted with legal gumption. Some suspicion is upon this derivation by the fact that the was formerly £,£,.d., and conferred only upon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth. At the date of this writing Columcast title bia University of is considering the expediency making another degree for clergymen, in place of the old D.D. Damnator Dtaboli. The new honor will be known as Sanctorum Custus, and written $$c. The name of the Rev. John Satan has been suggested as a suitable recipient by a lover of consistency, — 196 who points out that Professor Harry Thurs- ton Peck has long enjoyed the advantage of a degree. LOCK-AND-KEY^ of civilization n. The distinguishing device and enlightenment. Lodger, n. less popular name for the Second Person of that delectable newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder and the Mealer. Logic, n. A The art of thinking and reasoning accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstandin strict ing. The basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion thus: Major Premise Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man. Minor Premise One man can dig a post: — : hole in sixty seconds; therefore Conclusion : Sixty men can dig a post- hole in one second. This may be called the syllogism arith- metical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed. 197 Logomachy, n. A war in which the weapons wounds punctures are words and the swim-bladder of self-esteem a kind of contest in which, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor is — in the denied the reward of success. 'Tis said by divers of the scholar-men That poor Salmasius Alas! died of Milton's pen. if this is we cannot know true, For reading Milton's wit we perish too. Longanimity^ dure injury maturing a plan of revenge. The disposition to enwith meek forbearance while n. Longevity, «. Uncommon extension of the fear of death. Looking-glass, «. A vitreous plane upon which to display a fleeting show for man's disillusion given. The King looking-glass, of Manchuria had a magic whereon whoso looked saw, not his own image, but only that of the king. A certain courtier who had long enjoyed the and was thereby enriched beyond any other subject of the realm, said to the king: "Give me, I pray, thy wonderful king's favor 198 mirror, so that when absent out of thine august presence I may yet do homage before thy visible shadow, prostrating myself night and morning in the glory of thy benign countenance, as which nothing has so divine splendor, Noonday Sun of the Universe!" O Pleased with the speech, the king commanded that the mirror be conveyed to the having gone it in an apartment where was naught but idle lumber. And the mirror was dimmed with dust and overlaced with cobwebs. This so angered him that he fisted it hard, shattering the glass, and was sorely hurt. Enraged all the more by this mischance, he commanded that the ungrateful courtier be thrown into prison, and that the glass be repaired and taken back to his own palace; and this was done. But when the king looked again on the mirror he saw not his image as before, but only the figure of a crowned ass, having a bloody bandage on one of its hinder hooves as the artificers and all who had looked upon it had before discerned but feared to report. Taught wisdom and charity, the king restored his courtier to liberty, had the mirror set into courtier's palace; but after, thither without apprisal, he found — — 199 the back of the throne and reigned many years with justice and humility; and one fell asleep in death while on the throne, the whole court saw in the mirror the luminous figure of an angel, which day when he remains to this day. Loquacity, wish Lord, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue to talk. when you In American society, an English tourist above the state of a costermonger, as. Lord 'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and so forth. The traveling Briton of lesser degree is addressed as "Sir," as, Sir 'Arry Donkiboi, of 'Amstead 'Eath. The word "Lord" is sometimes used, also, as a title of the Supreme Being; but this is thought to n. be rather flattery than true reverence. accord, Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own Wedded a wandering English lord Wedded and took him to dwell with A parent who throve by the practice her "paw," of Draw. Lord Cadde I don't hesitate here to declare Unworthy the father-in-legal care Of that elderly sport, notwithstanding the truth all the follies That Cadde had renounced of youth; For, sad to relate, he'd arrived at the stage 200 marked by the vices of age. cupidity caused him to urge Repeated demands on the pocket of Splurge, Till, wrecked in his fortune, that gentleman saw that's Of existence Among them, Inadequate aid in the practice of Draw, And took, as a means of augmenting his pelf, To His the business of being a lord himself. neat-fitting garments he wilfully shed And sacked himself strangely in checks instead; his chin, but retained at each ear Denuded A whisker that looked like a blasted career. painted his neck an incarnadine hue He Each morning and varnished it all that he knew. The moony monocular set in his eye Appeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye. His head was enroofed with a billycock hat, And his low-necked shoes were aduncous and flat. In speech he eschewed his American ways, Denying his nose to the use of his A's And dulling their edge till the delicate sense Of a babe at their temper could take no offence. His H's —'twas most inexpressibly sweet, The made as they fell at his feet! Re-outfitted thus, Mr. Splurge without fear Began as Lord Splurge his recouping career. patter they Alas, the Divinity shaping his end Entertained other views and decided to send His lordship in horror, despair and dismay From Fell the land of the nobleman's natural prey. For, smit with his — Old World ways, Lady Cadde suffering Caesar! — in love with her dad! G. J. 201 Lore, «. is Learning —particularly that sort which not derived from a regular course of instruction but comes of the reading of occult books, or by nature. This latter is commonly designated as folk-lore and em- braces popularly myths and superstitions. In Baring-Gould's Curious Myths of the Middle Ages the reader will find many of these traced backward, through various peoples on converging lines, toward a com- mon origin in remote antiquity. Among the Giant these are the fables of Killer," "Teddy "The Sleeping John Sharp Williams," "Little bane," fable Red Riding Hood and the Sugar Trust," "Beauty and the Bris- "The Seven Aldermen of Ephesus," "Rip Van Fairbanks," and so forth. The which Goethe so affectingly re- lates under the title of "The Erl-King" was known two thousand years ago in Greece as "The Demos and the Infant Industry." One of the most general and ancient of these myths is that Arabian tale of "Ali Baba and the Forty Rockefellers." Loss, «. Privation of that which we had, or it is had not. Thus, in the latter sense, said of a defeated candidate that he "lost : 202 and of that eminent man, the poet Gilder, that he has "lost his mind." It is in the former and more legitimate sense, that the word is used in the famous epitaph his election" ; Here Huntington's ashes long have lain Whose loss is our own eternal gain, For while he Whatever he exercised all his powers gained, the loss was ours. temporary insanity curable by Love, n. marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but A more frequently patient. to the physician than to the Low-bred, up. adj. "Raised" instead of brought Luminary, n. One who throws light upon a it. subject; as an editor by not writing about Lunarian, «. An inhabitant of the moon, as : 203 distinguished from Lunatic, one whom the moon inhabits. The Lunarians have been described by Lucian, Locke and other ob- but without much agreement. For example, Bragellos avers their anatomical identity with Man, but Professor Newcomb servers, says they are more like the hill tribes of Vermont. Lyre^ n. An is ancient instrument of torture. The word now used in a figurative sense to denote the poetic faculty, as in the follow- ing fiery lines of our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre, And The pick with care the disobedient wire. stupid shepherd lolling on his crook With I bide deaf attention scarcely deigns to look. my time, and it shall come at length, When, with I'll a Titan's energy and strength, grab a fistful of the strings, The world shall suffer when and O, I let them go! Farquharson Harris. M Mace, n. A Its staff of office signifying authority. its form, that of a heavy club, indicates 204 original purpose and use in dissuading dissent. from Machination, honorable n. The method employed by open and do the right thing. one's opponents in baffling one's efforts to So plain the advantages of machination It constitutes a moral obligation, And honest wolves who think upon't with loathing Feel bound to don the sheep's deceptive clothing. So prospers still the diplomatic art, And Satan bows, with hand upon his heart. R. S. K. Macrobian, and living n. One forgotten of the gods is abundfrom Methuselah to Old Parr, but some notable instances of longevity are less well known. A Calabrian peasant named Coloni, born in 1753, lived so long that he had what he to a great age. History antly supplied with examples, considered a glimpse of the dawn of uni- versal peace. Scanavius relates that he knew an archbishop who was so old that he could remember a time when he did not deserve hanging. In 1566 a linen draper of Bristol, England, declared that he had lived five hundred years, and that in all that time he : 205 had never told a lie. There are is instances of longevity {macrobiosis) in our own country. Senator Chauncey Depew old enough to know better. The editor of The American, a newspaper in New York City, has a mem- ory that goes back to the time when he was a rascal, but not to the fact The President of the United States was born so long ago that many of the friends of his youth have risen to high political and military preferment without the assistance of personal merit. The verses following were written by a macrobian When And In I was young the world was all fair amiable and sunny. the air, A brightness was in all the waters, honey. The jokes were fine and funny. The statesmen honest in their views, And in their lives, as well. And when you heard a bit of news 'Twas true enough to tell. Men were not ranting, shouting, reeking; "generally speaking." Nor women The Summer It lasted then was long indeed: one whole season! The sparkling Winter gave no heed When ordered by Unreason : ! 206 To bring the early peas on. the dickens is Now, where the sense In calling that a year Which does no more than is just commence Before the end near? When was young the year extended month to month until it ended. From I I know not why is the world has changed To And something dark and dreary, everything now arranged he To make a fellow weary. The Weather Man Has much to do with The It air is — I fear it, for, sure, not the same chokes you when it it is impure. When pure makes you lame. closed you are asthmatic; sciatic. With windows Open, neuralgic or Well, I suppose this new regime would seem Of dun Seems degeneration it eviler than To Some a better observation. And has for compensation mortal sight has failed although to angels' eyes such a boon, good land! blessings in a deep disguise Which To If pierce, They're visibly unveiled. Age IS He's costumed by a master hand Venable Strigg. 207 Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitintellectual independence; not ute of evidence that themselves are sane. For illustration, this present is (and illus- trious) lexicographer faith of his own sanity than in of any madhouse no firmer in the is any inmate the land yet for aught ; he knows to the contrary, instead of the lofty occupation that seems to him to be engaging his powers he may really be beating his hands against the window bars of an asylum and declaring himself Noah Webster, to the innocent delight of many thoughtless spectators. Magdalene^ Popularly, tion of the n. An inhabitant of Magdala. defini- a woman found out. This ance, Mary word has the authority of ignorof Magdala being another per- woman mentioned by Luke. It has also the official sanction of the governments of Great Britain and the United States. In England the word is proson than the penitent St. 208 nounced Maudlin, whence maudlin, adjective, unpleasantly sentimental. for Magdalene, With their and their Bedlam for Bethlehem, the English may justly boast themselves the greatest of revisers. Maudlin Magic, n. An art of converting superstition arts serving the into coin. There are other same high purpose, but the discreet ographer does not name them. lexic- Magnet, ism. n. Something acted upon by magnet- Magnetism, magnet. n. Something acting upon a immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have ildefinitions The two luminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. Magnificent, Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that to which the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit, or the glory of a glowworm, to a maggot. adj. 209 Magnitude, Magnitude being «. Size. purely relative, nothing is large and nothing small. If everything in the universe were increased in bulk one thousand diameters nothing would be any larger than it was before, but if one thing remained unchanged all the others would be larger than they had been. To an understanding familiar with the relativity of magnitude and distance the spaces and masses of the astronomer microscopist. would be no more impressive than those of the For anything we know to the contrary, the visible universe may be a small part of an atom, with its component ions, floating in the life-fluid (luminiferous ether) of some animal. Possibly the wee creatures peopling the corpuscles of our own blood are overcome with the proper emotion when contemplating the unthinkable distance from one of these to another. Magpie, n. A talk. bird whose thievish disposi- tion suggested to some one that it might be taught to Maiden, n. A young person of the unfair sex madden addicted to clewless conduct and views that The genus has a wide to crime. — : 210 geographical distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found. The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to the part of her that portable. is the field by the canary —^which, audible, beaten out of also, is more A lovelorn "It's maiden she sat and sang This quaint, sweet song sang she O for a youth with a football bang And a muscle fair to see! The Captain he Of a team to be! On the gridiron fie shall shine, A monarch by right And divine, it never to roast on — me!" Opaline Jones. Majesty, n. The state and title of a king. Regarded with a just contempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great Incohonees and Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorable orders of republican America. Male, n A member of the unconsidered, or 211 negligible sex. is The male of the human race commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. Malefactor, n. progress of the The chief human race. factor in the Malthusian^ adj. his doctrines. Pertaining to Malthus and Malthus believed in artificially limiting population, but found that it could not be done by talking. One of the most practical exponents of the Malthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all the famous soldiers have been of the same way of thinking. Mammalia, n. pi. A family of vertebrate state of animals whose females in a suckle their young, but the bottle. nature when civilized and enlightened put them out to nurse, or use Mammon, «. The god of the world's leadis ing religion. His chief temple York. in the holy city of New He swore And wore that all other religions were gammon, out his knees in the worship of Mammon. Jared Oopf. 212 Man, n. An animal so lost in rapturous conis templation of what he thinks he as to over- look what he indubitably ought to be. chief occupation is His extermination of other species, animals and his ever, multiplies as to infest the own which, how- with such insistent rapidity whole habitable earth and Canada. When And the world was young and Man was new, everything was pleasant, Distinctions Nature never drew and peasant. 'Mongst king and priest We're not Save here in that way at present. this Republic, where We have that old regime. For all are kings, however bare Their backs, howe'er extreme Their hunger. And, indeed, each has a voice To accept the tyrant of his party's choice. A citizen And, who would not vote, detested. therefore, was Was By "It one day with a tarry coat feathers backed (With is and breasted) patriots invested. your duty," cried the crowd, "Your ballot true to cast For the man o' your choice." He humbly bowed, And explained his wicked past: 213 "That's what I very gladly would have done, Apperton Duke. Dear patriots, but he has never run." Manes, n. The immortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans. They were in a state from which they had exhaled were buried and burned and they seem not to have been particularly happy afterward. of dull discomfort until the bodies ; Manicheism, Evil. n. The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare between Good and When Good gave up the fight the Persians joined the victorious Opposition. Manna, n. A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies of the original occu- pants. Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. Martyr, n. One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired death. 214i Material, as Having an actual existence, distinguished from an imaginary one. adj. Important. Material things I know, or All else is feel, or see; immaterial to me. Jamarach Holobom. Mausoleum, of the rich. «. The final and funniest folly Mayonnaise, n. One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion. Me, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the oppressive. Each is all three. Meander, n. To proceed sinuously and aimlessly. The word is the ancient name of a river about one hundred and fifty miles in south of Troy, which turned and twisted the effort to get out of hearing when the Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess. Medal, n. A small rnetal disk given as a 215 reward for virtues, attainments or services more or less authentic. It is related of Bismark, who had been awarded a medal for gallantly rescuing a drowning person, that, being asked the meaning of the medal, he replied: "I save lives sometimes." n. And sometimes he didn't. Medicine, to kill a A stone flung down the Bowery in dog n. Broadway. patience in plann- Meekness, Uncommon is ing a revenge that worth while. M is for Moses, Who slew the Egyptian. As sweet as a rose is The meekness of Moses. No monument shows his Post-mortem inscription, But M is for Moses, Who slew the Egyptian. The Biographical Alphabet. Meerschaum, n. (Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed to be made of it.) A fine white clay, which for convenit brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by the workmen ience in coloring ; — 216 engaged coloring in that industry. it The purpose of has not been disclosed by the manufacturers. There was a youth (you've heard before, This wofultale, may be), Who bought a meerschaum pipe and swore That color it would he! He He shut himself from the world away, soul he saw. night, he Nor any As hard smoked by smoked'by day. draw. in the as he could His dog died moaning wrath path, Of winds that blew aloof The weeds were in the gravel The owl was on the roof. "He's gone afar, he'll come no more," The neighbors sadly say. And so they batter in the door To take his goods away. lay, Dead, pipe in mouth, the youngster Nut-brown in face and limb. "That pipe's a lovely white," they "But it has colored him !" say, The moral there's small need to sing 'Tis plain as day to you: Don't play your game on any thing That is a gamester too. Martin Bulstrode, 217 Mendacious, adj. Addicted to rhetoric. Merchant, pursuit. n. One engaged is in a commercial is A commercial pursuit one in which the thing pursued a dollar. Mercy, n. An attribute beloved of detected offenders. Mesmerism, good n. Hypnotism before it wore clothes, kept a carriage and asked Incredulity to dinner. Metropolis, ialism. n. A stronghold of provinc- Millennium, n. The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be screwed down, with all reformers on the under side. Mind, sists n. A by the mysterious brain. form of matter conits secreted Its chief activity in the endeavor to ascertain own nature, the futility of the attempt being due nothing but itself to know itself with. From the Latin mens, a fact unknown to that honest shoe-seller, who, observing that his learned competitor to the fact that it has 218 over the way had displayed the motto emblazoned his own words "Men's, women's shop front with the and children's conscia recti." "Mens conscia recti," Mine, adj. it. Belonging to me if I can hold or seize Minister, n. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. In diplomacy an officer sent into a foreign country visible ity. as the embodiment His principal qualification is a degree of plausible inveracity next below that of an of his sovereign's hostil- ambassador. Minor, adj. Less objectionable. Minstrel, musician; ad]. Formerly a poet, singer or now a nigger with a color less than skin deep and a humor more than flesh and blood can bear. Miracle, n. An act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and a king. 219 Miscreant, person of the highest degree of unworth. Etymologically, the word n. its A means unbeliever, and tion present significa- may be regarded to as theology's noblest contribution the development of our language. Misdemeanor, «. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal society. By misdemeanors he O, woe was him ! essayed to climb Into the aristocraqr of crime. — ^with manner chill and grand "Captains of industry" refused his hand, And "Kings of finance" denied him recognition "railway magnates" jeered his low condition. He robbed a bank to make himself respected. still They rebuffed him, for he was detected. S. V. Hanipur. dagger which in mediaeval MiSERICORDE, n. warfare was used by the foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal. A Misfortune, n. The kind of fortune that never misses. 220 Miss, n. married A title with which we brand (Mrs.) un- women to indicate that they are in the market. Miss, Missis and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, In the general abolition of social titles in this our country they miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest Mush, abbreviated to Mh. the other of Master. Molecule, of matter. n. The It is ultimate, indivisible unit distinguished from the cor- puscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. Three great scientific theories of the struct- ure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. fourth af- A firms, with Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter existence is from ether —^whose proved by the condensation or precipitation. ific The is present trend of scient- The toward the theory of ions. from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion. A thought ion differs — 221 fifth theory ful if held by idiots, but it is doubtthey know any more about the matter is than the others. Monad, matter. n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of (See Molecule.) According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems willing to be understood, the monad has body without bulk, and mind without manifestation Leibnitz knows him by the innate power of considering. He has founded upon him a theory of the universe, which the creature bears without resentment, for the a gentleman. tains all monad is Small as he is, the monad conthe powers and possibilities need- ful to his evolution into a osopher of the first class altogether a very capable little fellow. He is not to be confounded with the microbe, or bacillus; by its inability to discern him, a good microscope shows him to be of an entirely distinct species. — German phil- Monarch, n. A person engaged in reigning. ruled, as the deriva- Formerly the monarch tion of the jects word attests, and as many subhave had occasion to learn. In Russia and the Orient the monarch has still a con- 222 siderable influence in public affairs and in the disposition of the human head, but in is western Europe political administration mostly entrusted to his ministers, he being somewhat preoccupied with lating to the status of his reflections re- own head. «. Monarchical ment. Government, Govern- Monday, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. of no advantage it. Money, to us n. A blessing that when we is excepting part with An evidence of culture and a passport to polite society. Supportable property. Monkey, makes n. An arboreal animal which itself at home in genealogical trees. Monosyllabic, one adj. Composed of words of never vapid is syllable, for literary babes who tire of testifying their delight in the compound by are appropriate googoogling. The words say, commonly Saxon —that to words of a barbarous people destitute 223 of ideas and incapable of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions. The man who writes Is the man to use an ax in Saxon Judibras. on. MONSIGNOR, n. A high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder of our religion overlooked the advantages. Monument, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commem- orated. The bones of ruined Agamemnon is are a show, And his royal monument, but Agamemnon's fame suffers no diminution in consequence. The monument cus- tom has its reductiones ad absurdutn in monuments "to the unknown dead" that is to say, monuments to perpetuate the memory of those who have left no memory. — Moral, adj. Conforming to a local and the mutable standard of right. Having quality of general expediency. It is sayd there be a raunge of mountaynes in the — 224 Easte, on one syde of the which certayn conducts are immorall, yet on the other syde they are holden in veenyenced, for good esteeme; wherebye the mountayneer is much conit is given to him to goe downe eyther way and fence. act as it shall suite his moode, withouten of- Gooie's Meditations. More, adj. The comparative degree of too much. Mouse, n. An animal which strews its path with fainting women. As in Rome Christians were thrown to the lions, so centuries earlier in Otumwee, the most ancient and famous city of the world, female heretics were thrown to the mice. Jakak-Zotp, the historian, the only Otumwump whose writings have descended to us, says that these martyrs met their death with little dignity and much exertion. He even attempts to exculpate the mice (such is the malice of bigotry) by declaring that the unfortunate women perished, some from exhaustion, some of broken necks from falling over their own feet, and some from lack of restoratives. The of mice, he avers, enjoyed the pleasures the chase history with is composure. But if "Roman nine-tenths lying," we can hardly expect a smaller proportion of that ; 225 rhetorical figure in the annals of a people capable of so incredible cruelty to lovely woman for a hard heart has a false tongue. ; MOUSQUETAIRE, n. A is long glove covering a part of the arm. Worn in New Jersey. But a "mousquetaire" spell muskeeter. mighty poor way to Mouth, in n. In man, the gateway to the soul woman, the outlet of the heart. Mugwump, In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted to the vice of independence. term of contempt. «. A Mulatto, of both. n. A child of two races, ashamed Multitude, n. A crowd; the source of poIn a republic, litical wisdom and virtue. the object of the statesman's adoration. a multitude of counsellors there saith the proverb. is "In wisdom," of equal If many men wisdom are wiser than any one must be that they acquire the excess of wisdom by the mere act of getting Whence comes it? Obviously together. individual of them, it : 226 from nowhere — as well say that a range of mountains is higher than the single mountains composing it. A multitude is as wise as its wisest member if it obey him; if not, it is no wiser than its most foolish. Mummy, tions as n. An ancient Egyptian, formerly in universal use among modern civilized namedicine, and now engaged in sup- plying art with an excellent pigment. is He handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals. By means of the Mummy, its mankind, it is said, Attests to the gods respect for the dead. saint, * We And plunder his tomb, be he sinner or Distil him for physic and grind him for paint. Exhibit for money his poor, shrunken frame. with levity flock to the scene of the shame. gods, for the use of O, tell me, ye For respecting my rhyme Scopes the dead what's the limit of time ? Brum. Mustang, n. An indocile horse of the west- ern plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman. of Achilles lead. Myrmidon, «. A follower ticularly when he didn't —par- — 227 Mythology, ple's n. The body of concerning a primitive peoorigin, beliefs its early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as dis- tinguished from the true accounts which it invents later. N Nectar, n. Olympian tion is A drink served at banquets of the deities. The secret of its preparabut the modern Kentuckians believe that they come pretty near to a lost, knowledge of its chief ingredient. Juno drank a cup of nectar, But the draught did not affect Juno drank a cup of rye her. Then she bade herself good-bye. /. G. Negro, n. The piece de resistance in the American political problem. Representing him by the letter n, the Republicans begin "Let n=the to build their equation thus: white man." This, however, appears to give an unsatisfactory solution. Neighbor, n. One whom we are commanded 228 to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how Nepotism, to office n. to make us disobedient. Appointing your grandmother for the good of the party, adj. Newtonian, Pertaining to a philo- sophy of the universe; invented by Newton, to say who discovered that an apple will fall to why. His successors and disciples have advanced so far as to be able to say when. the ground, but was unable Russian who denies the existNihilist, n. ence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is A Tolstoi. Nirvana, n. In the Buddhist religion, a state of pleasurable annihilation wise, particularly to awarded to the those wise enough to understand it. Nobleman, n. Nature's provision for wealthy social American maids ambitious to incur distinction and suffer high life. Noise, w. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authentstench in the ear. icating sign of civilization. A 229 Nominate, designate for the heaviest political assessment. To put forward a suitv. To able person to incur the mudgobbing and deadcatting of the opposition. Nominee, from the public n. A modest gentleman shrinking distinction of private life and dil- igently seeking the honorable obscurity of office. NON-COMBATANT, Nonsense, n. ti. A dead Quaker. The objections that are urged against this excellent dictionary. Nose, ors «. The extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance that great conquernoses, Getius, have great whose writings antedate the age of humor, calls the nose the organ of one's nose quell. is It has been observed that never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of another, physiologists have from which some drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. man with a Nose, There's a And wherever he goes 230 The people run from him and shout: "No cotton have we He For our ears if so be blow that interminous snout!" So the lawyers applied For injunction. "Denied," Said the Judge: "the defendant prefixion, Whate'er it portend, Appears to transcend The bounds of this court's jurisdiction." Arpad Singiny, Notoriety, The fame of one's competitor for public honors. The kind of renown most n. accessible and acceptable leading angels to mediocrity. A de- Jacob's-ladder stage, to the vaudeville with ascending and scending. NOUMENON, That which exists, as distinguished from that which merely seems to exist, the latter being a phenomenon. The noumenon is a bit difficult to locate it can be apprehended only by a process of reasoning ^which is a phenomenon. Nevertheless, the discovery and exposition of noumena offer a rich field for what Lewes calls "the endless variety and excitement of phil«. ; — 231 osophic thought." the Hurrah (therefore) for noumenon! Novel, n. short story padded. A species composition bearing the same relation to of A literature that the panorama bears its to art. As it is too long to be read at a sitting the impressions made by successive parts are in successively effaced, as the panorama. Unity, totality of carried in effect, is impossible; for is besides the few pages last read all that mind is the mere plot to painting. of what has gone before. is To the romance the novel is what photography Its dis- tinguishing principle, probability, corre- sponds to the literal actuality of the photo- graph and puts it distinctly into the category of reporting; whereas the free wing of the romancer enables him to mount to such altitudes of imagination as he to attain ; may be fitted and the first three essentials of the literary art are imagination, and imagination. The imagination art of writing novels, such as it was, is long dead everjrwhere except in Russia, where it is new. Peace to some of which have a large sale. its ashes — November, weariness. n. The eleventh twelfth of a 232 O Oath, In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the conscience by n. a penalty for perjury. Oblivion, which the wicked cease from struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground. Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet their n. The state or condition in works without pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory without an alarm clock. Observatory, conjecture cessors. «. A place where astronomers away the guesses of their prede- Obsessed, pp. the Vexed by an evil spirit, like Gadarene swine and other critics. Obsession was once more common than it is now. Arasthus tells of a peasant who was occupied by a different devil for every day in the week, and on Sundays by two. They were frequently seen, always walking in his shadow, when he had one, but were finally 233 driven away by the village notary, a holy man; but they took the peasant with them, for he vanished utterly. of a A devil thrown out Rheims woman by the Archbishop of streets, pursued by a hundred persons, until the open country was reached, where by a leap higher than a church spire he escaped into a bird. chaplain in Cromwell's army exorcised a soldier's obsessing devil by throwing the ran through the A soldier into the water, to the surface. when the devil came The soldier, unfortunately, did not. Obsolete, adj. No longer used by the timid. word which some Said chiefly of words. A lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a good word and has no exact modern equivalent equally it is good enough for the good writer, Indeed, a writer's attitude toward "obso' lete" words is as true a measure of his litgood, erary ability as anything except the chardictionary of obsolete acter of his work. A and obsolescent words speech ; would not only be singularly rich in strong and sweet parts of it would add large possessions to the 234 vocabulary of every competent writer who might not happen to be a competent reader. Obstinate, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy. The popular type and exponent of obstinacy is the mule, a most intelligent animal. Occasional, or less adj. Afflicting us with greater frequency. in That, however, is is not the sense which the word used in the phrase "occasional verses," which are verses written for an "occasion," such as an anniversary, a celebration or other event. True, worse than other sorts of verse, but their name has no reference to they afflict us a little irregular recurrence. Occident, «. The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub- whose principal inmurder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "comtribe of the Hypocrites, dustries are merce." These, also, are the principal in- dustries of the Orient. 235 Ocean, n. A body of water occupying two-thirds of a world made for man—^who about has no gills. Offensive, adj. Generating disagreeable emotions or sensations, as the advance of an army against its enemy. "Were the enemy's tactics offensive?" the king asked. "I should say so!" replied the unsuccessful general. "The blackguard wouldn't come out of his works!" Old, In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent with general inefficiency, Discredited by lapse of as an old man. time and offensive to the popular taste, as an adj. old book. "Old books? Nature The devil take them!" Goby said. "Fresh every day must be herself approves the my books and bread." And gives us every Goby rule moment a fresh fool. Harley Shum. Oleaginous, adj. Oily, smooth, sleek. Disraeli once described the manner of Bishop Wilberforce as "unctuous, oleaginAnd the good prelate ous, saponaceous." 236 was ever afterward known as Soapy Sam. For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it. Olympian, adj. Relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited by gods, bottles now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer and mutilated sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist and his appetite. His name the smirking tourist scrawls Upon Minerva's temple walls, Where thundered once Olympian And marks his appetite's abuse. Zeus, Averil loop. Omen, if «. A sign that something will happen Enough. nothing happens. Once, adv. Opera, n. play representing life in another world, whose inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no postures but attitudes. All acting is simula- A tion, and the word simulation is from simia, an ape; but in opera the actor takes for his 237 model Simia stentor) —the ape An audibilis (or Pithecanthropos that howls. The The Opiate, actor apes a man — at least in shape; opera performer apes an ape. n. unlocked door in the prison It leads into the jail yard. of Identity. Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment. Oppose, v. To assist with obstructions who and ob- jections. How With lonely he thinks to vex badinage the Solemn Sex! Of levity, Mere Man, beware; None but the Grave deserve the Unfair. Percy P- Orminder. Opposition, vents the n. In politics the party that pre- Government from running amuck by hamstringing it. The King of Ghargaroo, who had been abroad to study the science of government, appointed one hundred of his fattest subjects as members of a parliament to make laws for the collection of revenue. Forty 238 of these he named the Party of Opposition and had his Prime Minister carefully inthem in their duty of opposing every royal measure. Nevertheless, the first one that was submitted passed unanimously. Greatly displeased, the King vetoed it, informing the Opposition that if they did that again they would pay for their obstinacy with their heads. The entire forty promptly disemboweled themselves. "What shall we do now?" the King "Liberal institutions cannot be asked. maintained without a party of Opposition." "Splendor of the universe," replied the Prime Minister, "it is true these dogs of darkness have no longer their credentials, but all is not lost. Leave the matter to this struct worm of the dust." his So the Minister had the bodies of Majesty's stuffed Opposition embalmed and with straw, put back into the seats of power and nailed there. Forty votes were recorded against every bill and the nation prospered. But one day a bill imposing a tax on warts was defeated the members of the Government party had not been nailed This so enraged the King to their seats! that the Prime Minister was put to death, — 239 the parliament was dissolved with a battery of artillery, and government of the people, by the people, for the people perished from Ghargaroo. Optimism, n. is The doctrine, or belief, that everything beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and is most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a is and everything right that blind faith, disproof to —an it is inaccessible to the light of intellectual disorder, yielding no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious. Optimist, «. is A proponent of the doctrine that black white. A pessimist applied to God for relief. "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that would justify them." "The world is all created," said God, 240 "but you have overlooked something mortality of the optimist." —the Oratory, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography. Orphan, ude n. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of filial ingratit- — a privation appealing is with a particusympathetic in lar eloquence to all that human nature. When young the orphan is commonly sent to an asylum, where by careful cultivation of locality it is its rudimentary sense of taught to know its place. It is then instructed in the arts of dependence to and servitude and eventually turned loose prey upon the world as a bootblack or scullery maid. Orthodox, n. An ox wearing the popular religious yoke. Orthography, n. The light science of spelling the eye instead of the ear. by Advocated with more heat than to every asylum for the insane. by the outmates of They have had concede a few things since the time of — 241 Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those to be conceded hereafter. A spelling reformer indicted cicted. For fudge was before the court The judge said "Enough His candle we'll snough, : And his sepulchre shall not be whicted." Ostrich, sins, n. A large bird to which (for its doubtless) nature has denied that hinder toe in which so many pious naturalists have seen a conspicuous evidence of design. The absence of a good working pair of wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out, the ostrich does not fly. Otherwise, adv. No better. Outcome, «. ment. By in A particular type of disappointthe kind of intelligence that sees an exception a proof of the rule the wisof an act is judged by the outcome, the result. This is immortal nonsense the wis- dom ; be judged by the light that the doer had when he performed it of an act is dom to Outdo, v. t. To make an enemy. 242 OUT-OF-DoORS, n. That part of one's environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. spire poets. I Chiefly useful to in- climbed to the top of a mountain one day To see the sun setting in glory, And I Of a thought, as I looked at his vanishing ray, perfectly splendid story. 'Twas about an old man and the ass he bestrode Till the strength of the beast was o'ertested; Then the man would carry him miles on the road Till Neddy was pretty well rested. The moon rising solemnly Of the hills to the east Like a visible over the crest of my station Displayed her broad disk to the darkening west new creation. And I thought of a joke (and I laughed till Of an idle young woman who tarried I cried) About a church-door for a look at the bride. Although 'twas herself that was married. To poets all Nature is pregnant with grand don't understand Ideas —with thought and emotion. I pity the dunces who The speech of earth, heaven and ocean. Stromboli Smith. Ovation, n. In ancient Rome, a definite, 243 formal pageant in honor of one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. lesser "triumph." In modern English the word is improperly used to signify any loose and spontaneous expression of popular homage to the hero of the hour and A place. "I had an ovation!" the actor man said, uncommonly queer, That people and critics by him had been I But thought It led By the ear. The Latin lexicon makes his absurd Assertion as plain as a peg; In "ovum" It we find the true root of the word. means egg. Dudley Spink, Overeat, v. To dine. Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess, Well skilled to overeat without distress! Thy great invention, the unfatal feast, superiority to Beast. Shows Man's John Boop. Overwork, go fishing. n. A dangerous disorder affect- ing high public functionaries who want to 244 Owe, v. To have (and ; to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified not indebtedness, but possession it meant "own," and in the minds of debtors there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and liabilities. Oyster, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the hardihood to eat I without removing its entrails The shells are sometimes given to the poor. Pain, uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune n. An of another. Painting, «. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic. Formerly, painting and sculpture were . combined painted in the same work: the ancients \| \| their statues. The two only present is alliance between the arts that the modern painter chisels his patrons. 245 Palace, n. A is fine and costly residence, par- ticularly that of a great official. The that resid- ence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church Founder field, called a palace; of the as of his religion was known is a or wayside. n. There progress. Palm, A species of tree having several of which the familiar "itching palm" {Palma hominis) is most widely disvarieties, tributed and sedulously cultivated. This noble vegetable exudes a kind of invisible gum, which may be detected by applying bark a piece of gold or silver. The metal will adhere with remarkable tenacity. to the The fruit of the itching palm is so bitter and unsatisfying centage of it is that a considerable per- sometimes given away in as "benefactions," what are known Palmistry, n. The 947th method (according to Mimbleshaw's classification) of obtaining money by false pretences. It consists in "reading character" in the wrinkles made is by closing the hand. altogether false; The pretence not character can really be read very accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submitted plainly 246 spell the sists word "dupe." The imposture it con- in not reading aloud. Pandemonium, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer. When disturbed by his voice the ancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to his pride of distinction. Pantaloons, lar n. A nether habiliment of the The garment is tubuand unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called "trousers" by the enlightened and "pants" by the unworthy. adult civilized male. Pantheism, is «. The doctrine that everything God, in contradistinction to the doctrine is that God everything. Pantomime, is play in which the story told without violence to the language. n. A The least disagreeable form of dramatic action. 247 Pardon^ v. To remit a penalty and restore to a life of crime. To add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude. Passport, inflicted n. A document treacherously upon as a citizen going abroad, expos- ing him an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage. Past, That part of Eternity with some we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which n. small fraction of which the one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sor- row and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential Hope prayer; in the sunshine of the other flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one the knowledge and the dream. — 248 Pastime, tion. bility. n. A device for promoting dejec- Gentle exercise for intellectual de- Patience, guised n. A One minor form of despair, dis- as a virtue. Patriot, n. to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors. Patriotism, n. to the torch of Combustible rubbish ready any one ambitious to illum- inate his name. In Dr. Johnson's is famous due respect first. dictionary patriotism scoundrel. defined as the last resort of a all With it is to an en- lightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that n. the Peace, ing. In international affairs, a period fight- of cheating between two periods of O, what's the loud uproar assailing Mine 'Tis ears without cease? the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing The horrors ol: peace. — 249 Ah, Peace Universal; they woo Would marry it, toD. If only they it knew how to do. to do it 'Twere easy They're working by night and by day On their problem, like moles. Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray. On their meddlesome souls! Ro A mil. Pedestrian, n. The variable (and audible) part of the roadway for an automobile. Pedigree, n. The known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor with a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette. Penitent, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment. Perfection, n. An imaginary state or quality distinguished from the actual by an element known critic. as excellence; an attribute of the The editor of an English magazine hav- ing received a letter pointing out the erron- and style, and signed "Perfection," promptly wrote at the eous nature of his views — 250 foot of the letter: "I don't agree with you," and mailed it to Matthew Arnold. Peripatetic, adj. Walking about. Relating to the philosophy of Artistotle, who, while expounding it, moved from place to place order to avoid his pupil's objections. they knew no more of the matter than he. in needless precaution — A Peroration, al n. The explosion of an oratoric- rocket. It dazzles, but to an observer having the wrong kind of nose its most con- spicuous peculiarity eral kinds of is the smell of the sevin powder used n. preparing it. Perseverance, A lowly virtue whereby all, mediocrity achieves an inglorious success. "Persevere, persevere!" cry the homilists Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl. "Remember the fable of tortoise and hare The one at the goal while the other is where?" Why, back there in Dreamland, renewing his lease Of life, all his muscles preserving the peace, The goal and the rival forgotten alike, And the long fatigue of the needless hike. His spirit a-squat in the grass and the dew Of the dogless Land beyond the Stew, He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place, — A winner of all that is good in a race. Sukker Uffro. 251 Pessimism, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheart- ening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. Philanthropist, (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking n. A rich his pocket. Philistine, n. One whose mind is the creature of its environment, following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment. is He sometimes learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean and always solemn. Philosophy, «. A route of many roads ing from nowhere to nothing. Phcenix, n. lead- The classical prototype of the modern "small hot bird." Phonograph, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises. Photograph, n. A picture painted by the art. sun without instruction in It is a little 252 better than the work of an quite so good as that of a Apache, but not Cheyenne. Phrenology, n. The science of picking the It consists in lois pocket through the scalp. cating and exploiting the organ that one a dupe with. Physician, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well. Physiognomy, n. The art of determining the character of another by the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which is the standard of excellence. "There is no art," says Shakspeare, foolish man, "To read the mind's construction in the face." The physiognomists his portrait scan, And say: "How little wisdom here we trace! He knew So, in his his face disclosed his mind and heart. own defence, denied our art." Lavatar Shunk. Piano, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience. — — 253 Pickaninny, n. The young of the Procyanthropos, or Americanus dominans. It is small, black and charged with political fatalities. Picture, sions of n. representation in two dimensomething wearisome in three, A "Behold great Daubert's picture here on view Taken from Life." If that description's true, I Grant, heavenly Powers, that be taken, too. Jali Hane. Pie, n. An is advance agent of the reaper whose name Cold Indigestion. was highly esteemed by the remains. The in a Funeral Sermon Over a British pie Rev. Dr. Mucker, Nobleman. Cold pie is a detestable American comestible. That's why I'm done or undone So far from that dear London. From the Headstone of a British Nobleman, in Kalamazoo. — — Piety, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, 254 based upon His supposed resemblance to man. The pig is taught by sermons and epistles To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles, Judibras. Pig, n. An animal the {Porcus omnivorus) race by the sticks at closely allied to human its splendor and vivacity of appetite, which, it however, pig- is inferior in scope, for Pigmy, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. distinguish sians The Pigmies are so called to — them from the bulkier Cauca^who are Hogmies. Pilgrim, n. traveler that is taken seriously. Pilgrim Father was one who, leaving Europe in 1620 because not permitted to sing psalms through his nose, followed it to A A Massachusetts, where he could personate God according to the dictates of his con- science. Pillory, n. A mechanical device for inflict- 255 ing personal distinction —prototype its of the of modern newspaper conducted by persons austere virtues and blameless lives. Piracy, n. dles, just Commerce without as God made it. folly-swad- Pitiful^ oneself. adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary encounter with PlTY^ n. A failing sense of exemption, in- spired by contrast. Plagiarism, «. A literary coincidence com- pounded of a discreditable priority and an honorable subsequence. Plagiarize, v. To take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, never read. Plague, n. In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for admonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh the Immune. of to-day have the The plague as we happiness to know it is 256 merely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless objectionableness. Plan^ v. t. To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result. Platitude, n. The fundamental element and special glory of popular literature. thought that snores in words that smoke. A The wisdom of a million fools in the dic- tion of a dullard. artificial rock. All that is A fossil sentiment in A moral without the fable. mortal of a departed truth. A of demi-tasse milk-and-morality. The Pope's-nose of a featherless peacock. jelly-fish A A withering on the shore of the sea of thought. The cackle surviving the egg. desiccated epigram. Platonic, adj. of Socrates. Pertaining to the philosophy Platonic Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability frost. and a Plaudits, n. Coins with which the populace pays those who tickle and devour it. 257 Please^ v. To lay the foundation for a super- structure of imposition. Pleasure, • «. The least hateful form of de- jection. Plebeian, blood of hands. «. An ancient Roman who in the his country stained nothing but his Distinguished from the Patrician, a saturated solution. who was Plebiscite, «. A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign. Plenipotentiary, adj. Having is full power. A Minister Plenipotentiary it. a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition that he never exert Pleonasm, n. An army of words escorting a corporal of thought. Plow, An implement that cries aloud for n. hands accustomed to the pen. v. Plunder, To take the property of another without observing the decent and customary To effect a change of reticences of theft. 258 ownership with the candid concomitance of a brass band. To wrest the wealth of from B and leave C lamenting a vanished A opportunity. Pocket^ is n. The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience. In woman this organ lacking; so she acts without motive, and her conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins of others. Poetry, form of expression peculiar the Land beyond the Magazines. n. A to Poker, for n. A game said to be played with cards to this some purpose unknown. Police, «. lexicographer An armed force for protection and participation. Politeness, risy. n. The most acceptable hypoc- Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading The conduct of for private advantage. as a contest of principles. public aflfairs 259 Politician, «. An eel in the fundamental of mud upon which the superstructure organized society is reared. When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. Polygamy, n. A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted with several stools of repentance, as distinguished from mono- gamy, which has but one. Populist, n. A fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, found in the old red Kansas; characterized by an uncommon spread of ear, which some naturalists contend gave him the soapstone underlying power of flight, though Professors Morse and Whitney, pursuing independent lines of thought, have ingeniously pointed out that had he possessed it he would have gone else- where. period, In the picturesque speech of his fragments of which have come down to us, he was known as "The Matter with Kansas." some 260 Portable, adj. Exposed to a mutable ownership through vicissitudes of possession. His light estate, if neither he did make it, it Nor yet its former guardian forsake it. Is portable improperty, I take W orgum Slupsky. Portuguese, digenous to n. pi. A species of geese in- Portugal. They are mostly edible, without feathers and imperfectly even when stufled with garlic. Positive, adj. voice. Mistaken at the top of one's Positivism, philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and affirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, its broadest Mill and its n. A thickest Spencer. Posterity, n. An appellate court which his reverses the judgment the of a popular author's contemporaries, appellant being obscure competitor. Potable, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is it said to be potable; indeed, some declare 261 our natural beverage, although even they find it palatable only when suffering from the recurrent disorder known as thirst, for which nothing has so great and diligent ingenuity been brought to bear in all ages and in all countries, exit is a medicine. Upon cept the most uncivilized, as upon the invention of substitutes for water. this general aversion to hold that that liquid has no To basis in the preservative instinct of the race is to be unscientific we are as the snakes and without science and toads. — Poverty, for its «. A file provided for the teeth of the rats of reform. The number of plans abolition equals that of the reformers who suffer from it, plus that of the philoit. sophers who know nothing about Its vicall tims are distinguished by possession of the virtues and by their faith in leaders seeking to conduct them into a prosperity where they believe these to be unknown. Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. Pre-Adamite, n. One of an experimental and 262 apparently unsatisfactory race that ante- dated Creation and lived under conditions not easily conceived. Melsius believed them to have inhabited "the Void" and to have been something intermediate between fishes and birds. Little is known of them beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a wife and theologians with a controversy. Precedent, In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of doing as he pleases. As there are precedents for everything, he has only to ignore those that n. make against his interest and accentuate Invention of those in the line of his desire. the precedent elevates the trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to the noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament. Precipitate, adj. Precipitate in Anteprandial. all, this sinner Took action first, and then his dinner. Judibras. Predestination, n. The doctrine that all 263 things occur according to of programme. This doctrine should not be confused with that which means that all things are programmed, but does not affirm foreordination, their occurrence, that being only an implic- ation is entailed. to from other doctrines by which this The difference is great enough have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore. tion of the With the distincin two doctrines kept well mind, and a reverent belief in both, one may hope to escape perdition if spared. Predicament, Predilection, disillusion. n. The wage of consistency. n. The preparatory stage of Pre-EXISTENCE, tion. n. An unnoted factor in crea- Preference,, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the erroneous belief that one thing is better than another. An ancient philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is no better than death, was asked by a disciple why, then, he did 264 not die. It "Because," he replied, "death life." is no better than is longer. Prehistoric, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum. Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood. He lived in a period prehistoric, When all was absurd and phantasmagoric. Born Set later, when Clio, celestial recorder, down great events in succession and order, He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous lies In anything here but the that she threw at us. Orpheus Bowen. Prejudice, visible n. A vagrant opinion without means of support. n. Prelate, A church officer having a superand a fat preferment. ior degree of holiness One of of Heaven's aristocracy. A gentleman God. n. Prerogative, A sovereign's right to do wrong. Presbyterian, the n. One who holds the con- viction that the governing authorities of Church should be called presbyters. : — 265 Prescription, «. A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient. Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope. Presentable, the Hideously appareled after and place. In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions of ceremony if he have his abdomen painted a bright blue and wear a cow's tail in New York he may, if it please him, omit the paint, but after sunset he must wear two tails made of the wool of a sheep and dyed black. ad]. manner of the time ; Preside, guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirable result. In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, "He presided at the piccolo." v. To The Headliner, holding the copy in hand, Read with a solemn face "The music was very uncommonly grand The best that was every provided, For our townsman Brown presided — — 266 At the organ with skill and grace." The Headliner discontinued to read, the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed: And, spreading the paper down On "Great playing by President Brown." Orpheus Bowen. Presidency, n. The greased pig in the field politics. game of American President, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom and of whom only — of — it is positively known that bers of their countrymen did not immense numwant any them for President. an honor surely 'tis If that's a greater To have been a simple and undamned spectator. in Behold me a man of mark and note ! Whom An By no elector e'er denied a vote undiscredited, unhooted gent Who might, for all we know, be President acclamation. Cheer, ye varlets, cheer I'm passing with a wide and open ear! Jonathan Fomry. Prevaricator, state. «. A liar in the caterpillar Price, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for — 267 the wear and it. tear of conscience in demand- ing Primate, «. The head of a church, especially a State church supported by involuntary contributions. The Primate of England is the Archbishop of Canterbury, an amiable old gentleman, who occupies Lambeth Palace when living and Westminster Abbey dead. when Prison, He is commonly of dead. «. A The place punishments and rewards. poet assures us that "Stone walls do not a prison make," but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite is and the moral instructor no garden of sweets. n. Private, A military gentleman with a field-marshal's baton in his knapsack and an impediment Proboscis, n. in his hope. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk. 268 Asked how he knew that an elephant was going on a journey, the illustrious Jo. Miller cast a reproachful look upon his tormentor, and answered, absently: "When it is ajar," and threw himself from a high pro- monotory into the sea. Thus perished in his pride the most famous humorist of antiquity, leaving to mankind a heritage of woe ! No successor worthy of the title has appeared, though Mr. Edward Bok, of The Ladies' Home ter. Journal, is much respected for the purity and sweetness of his personal charac- Projectile^ tional n. The final arbiter in interna- Formerly these disputes by physical contact of the disputants, with such simple arguments as the disputes. were settled — rudimentary logic of the times could supply the sword, the spear, and so forth. With the growth of prudence in military affairs the projectile favor, and is most courageous. it came more and more into now held in high esteem by the Its capital defect is that requires personal attendance at the point of propulsion. Proof, n. Evidence having a shade more of — 269 plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testi- mony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one. n. Proof-reader, for A malefactor who it atones per- making your writing nonsense by mitting the compositor to igible. make unintell- Property, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may be held by A against the cupidity of B. fies Whatever grati- the passion for possession in one and it disappoints in all others. The object of man's brief rapacity and long, indifference. Prophecy, n. The art and practice of selling one's credibility for future delivery. Prospect, n. An outlook, usually forbidding. An expectation, usually forbidden. Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes O'er Ceylon blow your breath, Where every prospect pleases, Save only that of death. Bishop Sheber. Providential, adj. Unexpectedly and con- 270 spicuously beneficial to the person so describing it. Prude, n. A bawd hiding behind the back of her demeanor. Publish, v. In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in a cone of critics. Push, n. One of the two things mainly con- ducive to success, especially in politics. other is Pull. The Pyrrhonism, n. An ancient philosophy, named for its inventor. It consisted of an absolute disbelief in everything but Pyr- rhonism. that. Its modern professors have added Q Queen, ruled n. A woman by whom there is the realm is when it is a king, and through not. whom Quill, ruled when there is n. An implement of torture yielded by 271 a goose and commonly wielded by an ass. This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its modern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting Presence. Quiver, «. A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments. He extracted from his quiver, this controversial fitted Did Roman, An To argument well addressed it the question as submitted, to Then the liver, Of the unpersuaded foeman. Oglutn P. Boomp. Quixotic, Quixote. adj. Absurdly chivalric, like Don and is An insight into the beauty excellence of this incomparable adjective unhappily denied fortune to is to him who has the mis- know that the gentleman's name pronounced Ke-ho-tay. When ignorance from out our lives can banish 'tis Philology, folly to know Spanish. Juan Smith. Quorum, «. A sufficient number of members body to of a deliberative have their own — 272 way and their own way of having it. In the United States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on Finance and a messenger from the White House in ; the House of Representatives, devil. of the Speaker and the Quotation^ n. The act of repeating erron- eously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated. Intent on making his quotation truer, He sought the page infallible of Brewer, a solemn eternally. Then made Condemned vow that he ah, Ah, me, would be me! Stumpo Gaker. Quotient^ times a «. A of sum number showing how many money belonging to one per- son is contained in the pocket of another usually about as there. many times as it can be got R Rabble, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority tempered by fraudulent elections. The rabble is like the sacred 273 Simurgh, of Arabian fable omnipotent on it do nothing. (The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent in our tongue, but means, as nearly as may condition that be, "soaring swine.") — Rack, n. An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth. As a call to the unconverted the rack never had light any particular efficacy, and popular esteem. is now held in Rank, n. Relative human worth. He elevation in the scale of held at court a rank so high other noblemen asked why. 'twas That His "Because," answered, "others lack skill to scratch the royal back." Aramis Jukes. Ransom, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, nor can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of in- vestments. Rapacity, The Providence without industry. thrift of power. «. 274 Rarebit, n. A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point out that it it is not a rabbit. To whom the is may be solemnly explained that comestible known as toad-in-a-hole really not a toad, is and that riz-de-veau a la financiere not the smile of a calf prepared after the recipe of a she banker. Rascal, aspect. n. A fool considered under another Rascality, n. Stupidity militant. ity of a clouded intellect. The activ- Rash, vice. adj. Insensible to the value of our ad- "Now lay your bet with mine, nor let These gamblers take your cash." "Nay, this child makes no bet." "Great snakes! How can you be so rash?" Booth p. Gish. Rational, tion. adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflec- Rattlesnake, n. Our prostrate brother, Homo ventrambulans. : — 275 Razor, n. An instrument used by the Caucaa sian to enhance his beauty, golian to make by the Monguy of himself, and by the worth. Afro-American to affirm his Reach, hand. n. The radius of action of the human The area within which it is possible to gratify directly the pro- (and customary) pensity to provide. This is a truth, as old as the life hills, That and experience teach suffers that keenest of ills, The poor man An impediment in his reach. G.J. Reading, reads. n. The general body of what one In our country it consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and humor in slang. We know by one's reading His learning and breeding; By what draws his laughter know his Hereafter. We Read nothing, laugh never The Sphinx was less clever! Jupiter Muke. Radicalism, n. The conservatism of to-mor- row injected into the affairs of to-day. 276 Radium, with. n. A mineral that gives off heat and is stimulates the organ that a scientist a fool Railroad^ n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get we this are to where we are away from where no better off. For is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great expedition. purpose the railroad Ramshackle, the adj. Pertaining to a certain order of architecture, otherwise known as Normal American. Most of the public buildings of the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Re- cent additions to the White House the in Wash- ington are Theo-Doric, ecclesiastic order of the Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a brick. Realism, is «. The art of depicting nature as it seen by toads. The charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a measuring-worm. Reality, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. 277 That which would remain of a in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus vacuum. Apparently. Really, adv. Rear, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress. Reason, v. i. To weigh probabilities in the scales of desire. Reason, n. Propensitate of prejudice. adj. Reasonable, of our Accessible to the infection own opinions. Hospitable to persua- sion, dissuasion and evasion. Rebel, n. A v. proponent of a new misrule it. who has failed to establish Recollect, To recall with additions some- thing not previously known. Reconciliation, ies. n. A suspension of hostilit- An armed truce for the purpose of digging up the dead. 278 Reconsider, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made. Recount, against n. throw of the In American politics, another dice, accorded to the player they are loaded. dejection whom n. Recreation, A particular kind of to relieve a general fatigue. Recruit, civilian n. A person distinguishable from a by his uniform and from a soldier by his gait. Fresh from the farm or factory or street, His marching, in pursuit or in retreat, Were an impressive martial spectacle Except for two impediments — his feet. Thompson Johnson, Rector, n. In the Church of England, the Third Person of the parochial Trinity, the Curate and the Vicar being the other two. Redemption, Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, through their murn. der of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption, is the fundamental mystery of our holy religion, and 279 whoso believeth have everlasting derstand it. in it shall not perish, but life in which to try to un- We And must awake Man's spirit from its sin, take some special measure for redeeming indeed the task to get it it; Though hard in Among the angels any way but teaming it, Or purify it otherwise than steaming it. I'm awkward at Redemption —a beginner: My method is to crucify the sinner. Golgo Br one. Redress, n. Reparation without satisfaction. Among the Anglo-Saxons a subject con- ceiving himself wronged by the king was permitted, on proving his injury, to beat a brazen image of the royal offender with a switch that was afterward applied to his own naked back. The latter rite was performed by the public hangman, and it assured moderation in the plaintiff's choice of a switch. Red-skin, outside. n. is A North American Indian, whose skin not red — at least not on the — 280 Redundant, trop. adj. Superfluous; needless; de The Sultan said: "There's evidence abundant To prove this unbelieving dog redundant." To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive, Replied: "His head, at least, appears excessive." Habeeb Suleiman. Mr. Debs is a redundant citizen. Theodore Roosevelt. Referendum, n. A law for submission of proto a posed legislation popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion. Reflection, n. An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the perils that encounter. we shall not again Reform, n. A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to reformation. Refuge, one Anything assuring protection to Moses and Joshua provided six cities of refuge— Bezer, Golan, Ramoth, Kadesh. Schekem and Hebron to which oae who had taken life inadvertently could n. in peril. — ; 281 flee when hunted by relatives of the de- ceased. him with wholesome This admirable expedient supplied exercise and enabled them to enjoy the pleasures of the chase; whereby the soul of the dead man was appropriately honored by observances akin to the funeral games of early Greece. Refusal, Denial of something desired; as an elderly maiden's hand in marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to a rich corporation, by an alderman absolution to an impenitent king, by a priest, and so forth. Refusals are graded in a descending scale of finality thus: the refusal n. absolute, the refusal conditional, the refusal tentative is called by and the refusal feminine. The last some casuists the refusal assen- tive. Regalia, «. Distinguishing insignia, jewels and costume of such ancient and honorable orders as Knights of Adam Visionaries of Delectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes; the League of Holy Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the Genteel Society of Expurgated Hoodlums; the Mystic Alliance of Gorg; ; 282 eous Regalians; Knights and Ladies of the Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sons of the West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable Stuff; Warriors of the Long Bow; Guardians of the Great Horn Spoon; the Band of Brutes; the Impenitent Order of WifeBeaters; the Sublime Legion of Flamboyant Conspicuants Worshipers at the Elec; troplated Shrine; Shining Inaccessibles Fee-Faw-Fummers Jannissaries of the of the Inimitable Grip Broad-Blown Peacock; Plumed ple; Increscencies of the Magic TemAbie-Bodied of the Grand Cabal ; of Sedentarians Associated Deities the Butter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the Affectionate Fraternity of Men Similarly Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies of Horror; Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of Eden; Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith Knights-Champions of the Domestic Dog; the Holy Gregarians; the Resolute ; Optimists the Ancient Sodality of Inhospit; able Hogs; Associated Sovereigns of Mendacity; Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess- Pool; the Society for Prevention of Prevalence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation of Gents-Consequential; the Mysterious 283 Order of the Undecipherable Scroll; Uniformed Rank of Lousy Cats; Monarchs of Worth and Hunger; Sons of the South Star; Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword. Religion, n. A explaining to daughter of Hope and Fear, Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. "What is your religion my son?" inquired the Archbishop of Rheims. "Pardon, monseigneur," replied Rochebriant; "I am ashamed of it." "Then why do you not become an atheist?" "Impossible! atheism." I should be ashamed of "In that case, monsieur, you should join the Protestants." Reliquary, w. A receptacle for such sacred the lung objects as pieces of the true cross, short-ribs of saints, the ears of Balaam's ass, of the cock that called Peter to repentance and so forth. Reliquaries are commonly of metal, and provided with a lock to prevent the contents from coming out and performing miracles at unseasonable times. A feather from the wing of the Angel of the 284 Annunciation once escaped during a sermon in Saint Peter's and so tickled the noses of the congregation that they woke and sneezed with great vehemence three times each. It is related in the "Gesta Sanctorum" that a sacristan in the Canterbury cathedral surprised the head of Saint Dennis in the library. Reprimanded by its stern custodian, it explained that it was seeking a body This unseemly levity so enraged the diocesan that the offender was publicly anathematized, thrown into the Stour and replaced by another head of Saint Dennis, brought from Rome. of doctrine. Renown^ degree of distinction between fame a little more supportable than the one and a little more intolerable than the other. Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly and inconsiderate hand. n. A notoriety and — I touched the harp in every key, But found no heeding ear; And then With a Not all Ithuriel touched me 'tis, revealing spear. genius, great as my Could urge me out of night. I felt the faint appulse of his, And leapt into the light! fF. J. Candleton. 285 Reparation, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it. Repartee, n. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to offend. of the In a war of words, the North American Indian. tactics Repentance, fest in a n. The faithful attendant is and not follower of Punishment. It usually maniis degree of reformation that inconsistent with continuity of sin. Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell, You How needless!—Nick will will repent and join the Church, Parnell? keep you off the coals And add you to the woes of other souls. Jamater Abemy. Replica, n. A reproduction of a work of art, is by the artist that made the original. it It so called to distinguish from a "copy," which is made by another artist. When the two are made with equal skill the replica is the more valuable, for it is supposed to be more beautiful than it looks. 286 Reporter, words. "More Whose n. A writer who it guesses his way to the truth and dispels with a tempest of dear than 'lips all my bosom knows, O thou are sealed' and will not disavow!" So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew Beneath his hand the leg-long "interview." Barson Repose, v. i. Maith. To cease from troubling. politics, Representative, n. In national a member of the Lower House in this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next. Reprobation, luckless In theology, the state of a «. mortal prenatally damned. The doctrine of reprobation was taught by Cal- vin, whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of his conviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, others are predestined to salvation. Republic, n. A nation in which, the thing governing and the thing governed being the same, there is only a permitted authority to enforce an optional obedience. In a republic — — 287 the foundation of public order ancestors is the ever from who, being truly governed, submitted because they had to. There are as lessening habit of submission inherited many tions kinds of republics as there are grada- came and between the despotism whence they the anarchy whither they lead. Requiem, n. minor poets A mass for the dead which the assure us the winds sing o'er the graves of their favorites. Sometimes, by way of providing a varied entertainment, they sing a dirge. Resident, ad]. t. Unable to leave. Resign, v. advantage. To renounce an honor for an To renounce an advantage for Wood kind a greater advantage. 'Twas rumored Leonard had signed A true renunciation Of title, rank and every Of military station Each honorable station. By The his example fired — inclined To To noble emulation, country humbly was resigned Leonard's resignation resignation. His Christian Politian Greame. — 288 Resolute^ approve. adj. Obstinate in a course that we Respectability^ n. The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account Respirator^ nose n. An apparatus fitted over the its andmouth of an inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in passage to the lungs. Respite, to «. A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin, to enable the Executive determine whether the murder may not have been done by the prosecuting attorney. Any break in the continuity of a disagreeable expectation. Altgeld upon his incandescent bed Lay, an attendant demon at his head. "O cruel cook, pray grant roast, Some respite from the me some relief however brief. "Remember how on earth I pardoned all Your friends in Illinois when held in thrall." "Unhappy O'er fire soul! for that alone you squirm unquenched, a never-dying worm. — 289 "Yet, for I pity your uneasy state, I'll Your doom mollify and pains abate. "Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar, are." Not even the memory of who you Throughout eternal space dread silence fell; Heaven trembled as Compassion entered Hell. "As long, sweet demon, let my respite be As, governing down here, I'd respite thee." "As long, poor soul, as any of the pack You thrust from jail consumed in getting back." A genial chill affected Altgeld's hide t'other side. While they were turning him on Joel Spate Woop. Resplendent, adj. Like a simple American citizen beduking himself in his lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things as an elemental unit of a parade. The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in their velvet-and-gold that their masters would hardly have known them. "Chronicles of the Classes." Respond, v. i. To make answer, or disclose calls otherwise a consciousness of having inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer 290 "external coexistences," as Satan "squat responded to the touch of the angel's spear. To respond in damages is to contribute to the maintenance of the plaintiff's attorney and, incidentlike a toad" at the ear of Eve, ally, to the gratification of the plaintiff. Responsibility, Fortune, «. A detachable easily shifted to the shoulders of burden God, Fate, to Luck or it one's neighbor. days of astrology it was customary In the unload upon a star. Alas, things ain't If what we should apple be; see Eve had set let that And many a feller which had ought To Or with monarchses of thought, play some rosy little game With battle-chaps on fields of fame, Is downed by his unlucky star, And hollers: "Peanuts! — here you are!" "The Sturdy Beggar!" Restitution, bequest. n. of universities The founding or endowing and public libraries by gift or Restitutor, n. Benefactor; philanthropist. : 291 Retaliation, n. which is reared n. The natural rock upon the Temple of Law. Retribution, unjust as A rain of fire-and-brimstone upon the just that falls alike and such of the have not procured shelter by eviclines following, ting them. In the addressed to an Emperor in exile by Father Gassalasca Jape, the reverend poet appears to hint his sense of the imprudence of turning about to face Retribution when it is taking exercise What, what Dom Pedro, you desire to go Back to Brazil to end your days in quiet? Why, what assurance have voutwould be so? 'Tis not so long since you were in a riot, ! And your dear subjects showed a will to fly at Your throat and shake you like a rat. You know That empires are ungrateful; are you certain Republics are less handy to get hurt in? Reveille, n. A signal to sleeping soldiers to dream of battlefields no more, but get up and have their blue noses counted. In the American army it is ingeniously called "rev-e-lee," and to that pronunciation our countrymen have pledged their lives, their misfortunes and their sacred dishonor. 292 Revelation, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing. Reverence, n. The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man. Review, v. t. To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it, Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to -.At work upon a book, and so read out of it The qualities that you have first read into it. it) Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. Specifically, in American history, the substitution of the Minwhereby the welfare and happiness of the people were advanced a full half-inch. Revolutions are usually accompanied by a rule of an Administration for that of a istry, considerable effusion of blood, but are ac- counted worth it — this appraisement being made by beneficiaries the mischance to whose blood had not be shed. The French revolution is of incalculable value to the Socialist of to-day; when he pulls the string 293 actuating its bones its gestures are inex- pressibly terrifying to gory tyrants suspected of fomenting law and order. Rhadomancer, n. One who uses a divining- rod in prospecting for precious metals in the pocket of a fool. Ribaldry, «. Censorious language by another concerning oneself. RiBROASTER, n. Censorious language by oneThe word is of self concerning another. classical refinement, and is even said to have been used in a fable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the most fastidious writers of the fifteenth century commonly, indeed, regarded as the founder of the Fastidiotic — School. mystic beverage secretly RiCE-WATER, n. used by our most popular novelists and poets to regulate the imagination and narcotize the comscience. It is A said to be rich in both obtundite and lethargine, and is brewed in a midnight fog by a fat witch of the Dismal Swamp. — 294 — — Rich, adj. Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the property of the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and the luckless. in the That is the view that prevails underworld, where the Brotherhood of Man finds its most logical development and candid advocacy. To denizens of the midworld Riches, «. the word means good and wise. A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my be- loved son, in Rockefeller. whom of toil I am well pleased." John D. The reward The savings Debs. and virtue. J. P. Morgan. of many in the hands of one. Eugene To these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feels that he can add nothing of value. Ridicule, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who quoted truth as utters them. It may it be the for graphic, mimetic or merely rident. Shaftes- bury test is of — having pronounced ridiculous a assertion, many a solemn fallacy has undergone cent- ! 295 uries of ridicule with no abatement of its popular acceptance. What, for example, has been more valorously derided than the doctrine of Infant Respectability? Right, Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have as the right to be a king, the right to do one's neighbor, the right to have n. ; measles, and the like. The first of these rights was once universally believed to be derived directly from the will of God; and this is still sometimes affirmed in part- ibus infidelium outside the enlightened lines of Sir realms of Democracy; as. the well known Abednego Bink, following: By what Whose right, is then, do royal rulers rule? the sanction of their state and pow'r ? He surely were as stubborn as a mule Who, God His uninvited unwilling, could maintain an hour session on the throne, or air His pride securely in the Presidential chair. Whatever is is so by Right Divine; Whate'er occurs, God wills it so. Good land! It were a wondrous thing if His design A fool could baffle or a rogue withstand If so, then God, I say (intending no offence) Is guilty of contributory negligence. : 296 Righteousness, n. A sturdy virtue that was once found among the Pantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of Oque. Some feeble attempts were made by returned missionaries to introduce it into several European countries, but it appears An to have been imperfectly expounded. example of this faulty exposition is found in the only extant sermon of the pious Bishop Rowley, a characteristic passage from which is here given "Now state of righteousness consisteth not merely in a holy rites mind, nor yet in performance of religious It is and obedience to the letter of the law. enough that one be pious and that others also are in the just: not it one must see to state; same end compulsion is a proper means. ill and to this Forasmuch as by his injus- my tice it is injustice may work to another, so still may evil be wrought upon another, the which as manifestly tort. my duty to estop as to forestall mine if own Wherefore I would be righteous if I am bound to restrain my neighbor, by force needful, in all those injurious enterprises from which, through a better disposition and by the help of Heaven, I do myself refrain." Rime, as n. Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse, mostly bad. The verses themselves, distinguished from prose, mostly dull. Usually (and wickedly) spelled "rhyme." 297 Rimer, n. poet regarded with indifference or disesteem. A The rimer quenches his unheeded fires, The sound surceases and the sense expires. Then the domestic dog, to east and west, Expounds the passions burning in his breast. o'er that enchanted land The rising moon Pauses to hear and yearns to understand. Mowbray Myles. RlOT^ n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders. R. I. P. A careless abbreviation of requtescat an indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr. Drigge, however, the letters originally meant nothing more than reductus in pulvis. in pace, attesting Rite, the n. A fixed religious or semi-religious cere- mony by law, precept or custom, with oil it. essential of sincerity carefully squeezed out of Ritualism, n. A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in rectilinear freedom, keeping off the grass. — 298 Road, pass n. A strip of land along which one may to from where it is too tiresome where it is futile to go. be to All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome, Whence, thank the good Lord, at least one leads back home. Borey the Bald. Robber, n. A candid man of affairs. It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling companions lodged at a wayside inn. The surroundings were suggestive, and after supper they agreed to tell robber stories in turn. turn When Voltaire's came he said: "Once there was a Farmer-General of the Revenues." Saying nothing more, he was encouraged to con"That," he said, "is the story." tinue. n. Romance, to the Fiction that owes no allegiance of God Things as They Are. is In the novel the writer's thought tethered to probability, as a domestic horse to the hitching-post, but in romance it ranges at will over the entire region of the imagination free, lawless, immune to bit and rein. Your novelist is a poor creature, as Carlyle might 299 say —a mere reporter. He may invent his characters and plot, but he must not imagine anything taking place that might not occur, albeit his entire narrative is candidly a lie. Why he imposes this hard condition on himself, and "drags at each remove a lengthening chain" of his own forging he can explain in ten thick volumes without illuminating by so much as a candle's ray the black profound of his own ignorance of the matter. There are great novels, for great writers have "laid waste their powers" to write them, but it remains true that far and away the most fascinating fiction that we have is "The Thousand and One Nights." Rope, n. An obsolescent appliance for remind- ing assassins that they too are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in place one's whole life long. It has been largely superseded by a more complex electrical device worn upon another part of the person; and this is rapidly giving place to an apparatus known as the preachment. Rostrum, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In America, a place from which a candidate for office energetic- 300 ally expounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble. Roundhead, called short, n. A member of the Parliamentwar arian party in the English civil — so from his habit of whereas his his long. wearing his hair enemy, the Cavalier, of wore There were other points difference between them, but the fashion in hair was the fundamental cause of quarrel. The Cavaliers were royalists because the king, an indolent fellow, found venient to let his more conhair grow than to wash his it neck. This the Roundheads, who were mostly barbers and soap-boilers, deemed an injury to trade, and the royal neck was therefore the object of their particular indignation. Descendants of the belligerents now strife wear their hair all alike, but the fires of animosity enkindled in that ancient smoulder to this day beneath the snows of British civility. Rubbish, «. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying due south from Boreaplas. 301 Ruin, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in the virtue of maids. Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that prototal abstainers. duce madness in Rumor, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character. Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield, By guard unparried as by flight unstayed, O serviceable Rumor, let me wield Against my enemy no other blade. His be the terror of a foe unseen, His the inutile hand upon the hilt, And mine the deadly tongue, long, slender, keen, Hinting a rumor of some ancient guilt. So shall I slay the wretch without a blow, Spare me to celebrate his overthrow. And nurse my valor for another foe. Joel Buxter. Russian, n. A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. Tartar Emetic. A Sabbath^ n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made ttie world 302 and was arrested on the seventh. Among the Jews observance of the day was enforced by a Commandment of which this in six days is the Christian version: "Remember the it seventh day to make thy neighbor keep wholly." To the Creator it seemed fit and expedient that the Sabbath should be the last day of the week, but the Early Fathers of the Church held other views. So great is the sanctity of the day that even where the Lord holds a doubtful and precarious juris- diction over those who go down it is to (and down into) is the sea reverently recog- nized, as manifest in the following deep- water version of the Fourth ment: Command- Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able, And on the seventh holystone the deck and scrape the cable. Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies the captain with opportunity to attest a pious respect for the divine ordinance. Sacerdotalist, that a n. One who is holds the belief clergyman a priest. Denial of this ; 303 momentous doctrine lenge that tionarians. is is the hardiest chal- now flung into the teeth of the Episcolopian church by the Neo-Dic- Sacrament^ n. A solemn religious ceremony to which several degrees of authority and significance are attached. Rome has seven sacraments, but the Protestant churches, be- ing less prosperous, feel that they can aflford only two, and these of inferior sanctity. Some of the smaller sects have no sacra- ments at all —for which mean economy they will indubitably be damned. Sacred, adj. Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine character; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; asj the Dalai Lama of Thibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon; the Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt; the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that Noah, The The etc. bit All things are either sacred or profane. former to ecclesiasts bring gain latter to the devil appertain. Dumbo Omohundro, 304 Sandlotter, n. A vertebrate mammal hold- ing the political views of Denis Kearney, a notorious demagogue of San Francisco, whose audiences gathered (sandlots) of the town. in the open spaces True off to the tradi- tions of his species, this leader of the proletariat was finally bought by his law- and-order silent enemies, living prosperously and dying impenitently rich. But before his treason he imposed upon California a diction of solecisms. a constitution that was a confection of sin in The similarity be- tween the words "sandlotter" and "sansculotte" is problematically significant, but indubitably suggestive. Safety-Clutch, n. A mechanical device act- ing automatically to prevent the fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to the hoisting apparatus. Once I seen a human ruin In a elevator- well, And his members was bestrewin' fell. All the place where he had And I says, apostrophisin' That uncommon woful wreck: "Your position's so surprisin' That I tremble for your neck !" — — 305 Then that ruin, smilin' sadly impressive, I And "Well, up and spoke: wouldn't tremble badly, been a fortnight broke." For it's Then, for further comprehension Of his attitude, he begs I will focus my attention On his various arms and legs How they all are contumacious; Where they each, respective, lie; How one trotter proves ungracious, alibi. T'other one an These particulars is mentioned For to show his dismal state. Which I wasn't first intentioned To specifical relate. None is worser to be dreaded That I ever have heard tell Than the gent's who there was In that elevator-well. spreaded Now this tale is allegoric It is figurative all, For the well is metaphoric fall. And the feller didn't I opine it isn't moral For a writer-man to cheat, And despise to wear a laurel As was gotten by deceit. 306 For 'tis Politics intended By the elevator, mind, It will boost a person splendid If his talent is the kind. Col. Bryan had the talent And (For the busted man is him) it shot him up right gallant Till his head begun to swim. the rope Then it broke above him to love And Where For he painful come to earth there's nobody him his detrimented worth. Though he's livin' none would know him, Or at leastwise not as such. Moral of this woful oil poem: Porfer Poog. Frequent your safety-clutch. Saint, dead sinner revised and edited. The Duchess of Orleans relates that the n. A irreverent old calumniator, leroi, who in his Marshal Vilyouth had known St. Francis de Sales, said, on hearing saint: "I him called am delighted to hear that is Monof sieur de Sales a saint. He was fond saying indelicate things, and used to cheat In other respects he was a perfect gentleman, though a fool." at cards. 307 Salacity, «. certain literary quality frequently observed in popular novels, especially in those written girls, A who give it another it by women and young name and think they are occupying a that in introducing neglected field of overlooked harvest. letters and reaping an If they have the mis- fortune to live long enough they are tor- mented with a desire to burn their sheaves. Salamander, ing are fire; n. Originally a reptile inhabit- mortal, but now an anthropomorphous ima pyrophile. Salamanders believed to be extinct, the last one of later, still which we have an account having been seen in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc, who exorcised it with a bucket of holy water. Sarcophagus, n. Among the Greeks a coffin which being made of a certain kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property of devouring the body placed in it. The sarcophagus known to modern obsequiograph' ers art. is commonly a product of the carpenter's Satan, n. One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented in sashcloth and axes. 308 an archangel, Satan made himself multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled from Heaven. Half- Being instated as way in in his descent he paused, bent his head at last thought a is moment and went back. "There one favor that it." I should like to ask," said he. "Name "Man, created. I understand, is about to be He will need laws." ! "What, wretch you his appointed adversary, charged from the dawn of eternity with hatred of his soul you ask for the — laws?" "Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make them himself." right to his It make was n. so ordered. Satiety^ The feeling that one has for the its plate after he has eaten contents, madam. Satire, n. An position in author's obsolete kind of literary comwhich the vices and follies of the enemies were expounded with imperfect tenderness. ire In this country satnever had more than a sickly and uncerexistence, tain for the soul of it is wit, wherein we are dolefully deficient, the — 309 for it, like all humor, and sympathetic. Moreover, although Americans are "endowed by their Creator" with abundant vice and humor that we mistake tolerant being folly, it is not generally known that these are reprehensible qualities, wherefore the popularly regarded as a sourspirited knave, and his every victim's outcry for codefendants evokes a national satirist is assent. Hail Satire ! be thy praises ever sung In the dead language of a mummy's tongue, For thou thyself art dead, Thy Had spirit it and damned as well (usefully employed) in Hell. libel. been such as consecrates the Bible hadst not perished by the law of Thou Barney Stims. Satyr^ n. One of the few characters of the Grecian mythology accorded recognition in Hebrew. (Leviticus, xvii, 7.) The was at first a member of the dissolute community acknowledging a loose allegiance to Dionysius, but underwent many transformations and improvements. Not the satyr infrequently he a later confounded with the faun, and decenter creation of the Romans, is , 310 who was goat. less like a man and more like a Sauce, ation «. The one infallible sign of civiliz- and enlightenment. A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven. Saw^ popular saying, or proverb. So called (Figurative and colloquial.) n. A trite because makes its way into a wooden head. Following are examples of old saws fitted it with new teeth. a penny to squander. A A A him penny saved is man is known by the company that he organizes. bad workman quarrels with the that. man who calls A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. Better late than before anybody has invited you. Example is better than following is it. Half a loaf better than a whole one if there b much else 311 Think twice before you speak to a friend in need. What is worth doing somebody to do it. Least said is is worth the trouble of asking soonest disavowed. He laughs best who laughs least. Speak of the Devil and he will hear about it. Of two evils choose to be the least. Strike while your employer has a big contract. Where there's a will there's a won't. SCARAB^US, n. The sacred beetle of the an- cient Egyptians, allied to our familiar "tumble-bug." It was supposed to symbolize immortality, the fact that God knew why Its giving also it its peculiar sanctity. habit of incubating its eggs in a ball of ordure may have commended it to the favor of the priesthood, and may some day assure it an True, equal reverence among ourselves. the American beetle is but the American priest. priest an inferior beetle, is an inferior — 312 SCARABEE, n. The same as scarabagus. He fell by his own hand Beneath the great oak to tree. He'd traveled in a foreign land. He The tried make her understand it dance that's called the Saraband, But he called Scarabee. He had called it so through an afternoon, And Had she, the light of his harem if so might be. smiled and said naught. to see. O the the body was fair All frosted there in the shine o' moon Dead for a Scarabee And a recollection that came too late. O They Fate! buried him where he lay, He And two Gloom sleeps awaiting the Day, In state. Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan, over the grave and then move on. Dead for a Scarabee! Fernando Topple. Scarification, tised A form of penance pracn. by the mediaeval pious. The rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a hot iron, but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if the penitent spared himself no pain nor harmless disfigurement. Scarification, with other crude 313 penances, has faction. now been superseded by beneThe founding of a library or endowa university is ment of than is is said to yield to the penitent a sharper and more lasting pain conferred by the knife or iron, and therefore a surer means of grace. There it are, however, two grave objections taint of justice. to as a penitential method: the good that it does and the Scepter, ally n. A king's staff of office, the sign his authority. It and symbol of a was originsovereign mace with which his jester the admonished terial and vetoed minis- measures by breaking the bones of their proponents. SciMETAR, n. A curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conduct of which certain Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as the incident here related will serve to show. The account is translated from the Japanese of Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thir- teenth century. When demned Court. the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he con- to decapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Soon after the hour appointed for performhis Majesty's surprise to see ance of the rite what was ! 314 calmly approaching the throne the man who should have been at that time ten minutes dead "Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!" shouted the enraged monarch. "Did I not sentence you to stand in the market-place and have your head struck off is it by the public executioner at three o'clock? not now 3:10?" And "Son of a thousand illustrious deities," answered the condemned minister, "all that you say is so true that But your heavenly the truth is a lie in comparison. Majesty's sunny and vitalizing wishes have been pestilWith joy I ran and placed my ently disregarded. unworthy body it in the market-place. The executioner appeared with his bare scimetar, ostentatiously whirled in air, and then, tapping I me lightly upon the neck, strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom I ever a favorite. his am come to pray for justice was upon own dishonorable and treasonous head." "To what boweled regiment of executioners does the black- caitiff belong?" asked the Mikado. "To the gallant Ninety-eight seventh — I know the man. His Hundred and Thirtyname is Sakko- Samshi." "Let him be brought before me," said the Mikado to an attendant, in the Presence. and a half-hour later the culprit stood "Thou bastard son of a three-legged without thumbs!" roared the sovereign thou but lightly tap the neck that thy pleasure to sever?" it hunchback —"why didst should have been "Lord of Cranes and Cherry Blooms," replied the 315 executioner, unmoved, "command him to blow Jijiji his nose with his fingers." Being commanded, trumpeted like Ri laid hold of his nose all and an elephant, expecting to see the severed head flung violently from him. Nothing oc- curred: the performance prospered peacefully to the close, without incident. All eyes were now turned on the executioner, who in had grown Fujiama. as white as the snows on the summit of legs trembled His and his breath came gasps of terror. "Several kinds of spike-tailed brass lions!" he cried; "I am a ruined and disgraced swordsman! I struck the villain feebly because in flourishing the scimetar I had accidentally passed it through my own neck! Father of the Moon, I resign my office." So saying, he grasped his top-knot, and advancing to the throne laid Mikado's feet. lifted off his head, it humbly at the SCRAP-BoOK, n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many persons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containing whatever they happen to read about themOne of selves or employ others to collect. addressed in the lines folthese egotists was lowing, by Agamemnon Melancthon Peters: Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast You Of every keep a record true kind of peppered roast That's made of you; — 316 — Wherein you paste the printed gibes That revel round your name, Thinking the laughter of the scribes Attests your fame; Where all the pictures you arrange That comic pencils trace Your funny figure and your Semitic face strange it me. Wit I have not, Nor art, but there I'll list The daily drubbings you'd have got Pray lend Had God Scribbler, n. a fist. A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to one's own. Scriptures, «. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the all false and profane writings on which are based. other faiths Seal, ity w. A mark impressed upon certain kinds of documents to attest their authentic- and authority. Sometimes it is stamped upon wax, and attached to the paper, sometimes into the paper itself. Sealing, in this sense, is a survival of an ancient custom of inscribing important papers with cabalistic 817 words or signs to give them a magical efficacy independent of the authority that they represent. In the British museum are pre- served antic many ancient papers, mostly of a sacerdotal character, validated by necrom- pentagrams and other devices, frequently initial letters of words to conjure with; and in many instances these are attached in the same way that seals are appended now. As nearly every reasonless and apparently meaningless custom, rite or observance of modern times had origin in some remote utility, it is pleasing to note an example of ancient nonsense evolving in the process of ages into something really useful. Our word "sincere" is derived from sine cero, without wax, but the learned are not in agreement as to whether this refers to the absence of the cabalistic signs, or to that of the wax with which letters were formerly closed from public scrutiny. Either view of the matter will serve one in The immediate need of an hypothesis. initials L. S., natures of sigillis, commonly appended to siglegal documents, mean locum the place of the seal, although the seal is no longer used —an admirable ex- ample of conservatism distinguishing Man — 318 from the beasts that perish. The words locum sigillis are humbly suggested as a suitable motto for the Pribyloff Islands shall take their place as a whenever they sovereign State of the American Union. Seine, kind of net for effecting an involn. untary change of environment. For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women are A more easily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted with small, cut stones. The devil casting a seine of lace, (With precious stones 'twas weighted) Drew it into the landing place And its contents calculated. All souls of women were in that sack A draft miraculous, precious! But ere he could throw it across his back They'd all escaped through the meshes. Baruch de Loppis. Self-esteem, n. An erroneous appraisement. Self-evident, adj. to Evident to one's self and nobody else. Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. 319 Senate, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors. Serial, work, usually a story that is not true, creeping through several issues of a newspaper or magazine. Frequently appended to each instalment is a "synopsis of preceding chapters" for those who have not read them, but a direr need is a synopsis of succeeding chapters for those who do not intend to read them. synopsis of the entire work would be still better. n. A literary A The tion late a serial tale for a with a James F. Bowman was writing weekly paper in collaboragenius whose name has not come down ment and to us. They wrote, not jointly but alternately, Bowman supplying the instal- for one week, his friend for the next, world without end, they hoped. Unfortunately they quarreled, and one Monday morning when Bowman read the paper to prepare himself for his task, he found his work cut out for him in a way to His collaborator surprise and pain him. embarked every character of the narhad rative on a ship and sunk them all in the so on, deepest part of the Atlantic. — ; 320 Severalty, eralty, i. n. e., Separateness, as, lands in sev- joint ownership. lands held individually, not in Certain tribes of Indians be sufficiently civilized to have in severalty the lands that they have hitherto held as tribal organizations, and are believed to now could not sell to the Whites for waxen beads and potato whiskey. Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind Saw death before, hell and the grave behind Whom thrifty settlers ne'er besought to stay their appointed prey; His small belongings Whom His fire Dispossession, with alluring wile, little Persuaded elsewhere every while! unquenched and his undying worm last, By Are "land in severalty" (charming term!) cooled and killed, respectively, at And he to his new holding anchored fast! Sheriff, duties, States, n. In America the chief executive officer of a county, whose most characteristic in some of the Western and Southern are the catching and hanging of rogues. John Elmer Pettibone Cajee (I write of him with little glee) Was just as bad as he could be. — 321 'Twas frequently remarked: "I swon! The sun has never looked upon as So bad a man Neighbor John." A sinner through and through, he had fault: it This added made him mad bad. To know another man was In such a case he thought it right To rise at And any hour of night quench that wicked person's light. Despite the town's entreaties, he Would hale him to the nearest tree And leave him swinging wide and free. Or sometimes, if the humor came, A luckless wight's reluctant frame Was given to the cheerful flame. While it was turning nice and brown, All unconcerned John met the frown Of that austere and righteous town. "How An sad," his neighbors said, "that he So scornful of the law should be anar c, h, i, s, t." (That is the way that they preferred To utter the abhorrent word, it So strong the aversion that stirred.) — 322 "Resolved," they said, continuing, "That Badman John must cease this thing Of having his unlawful fling. "Now, by these sacred relics" Each man had out a souvenir Got at a lynching yesteryear "By —here these we swear he shall forsake His ways, nor cause our hearts to ache By sins of rope and torch and stake. "We'll tie his red right hand until He'll have small freedom to fulfil The mandates of his lawless will." So, in convention then and there. They named him Sheriff. said, The J. affair Was opened, it is with prayer. Milton Sloluck. Siren, n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave. Figuratively, any lady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointing performance. Slang, n. The grunt of the human hog [Pignoramus intolerabilis) with an audible ; — 323 memory. The speech of one who utters with his tongue what he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in accomplishing the feat of a parrot. A means wit (under Providence) of setting up without a capital of sense. as a Smithareen, w. a fragment, a decomponent is part, a remain. The word used variously, but in the following verses on a noted female reformer who opposed bicycle-riding by women because it "led them to the devil" it is seen at its best: without a sound high revel; The wheels go round The maidens hold True spinsters spin In sinful mood, insanely gay, adown the way From duty to the devil! They laugh, they sing, and Their bells — ting-a-Hng! go all the morning Their lanterns bright bestar the night Pedestrians a-warning. With lifted hands Miss Charlotte Good-Lording and O-mying, Her rheumatism forgotten quite, stands, Her fat with anger frying. She blocks the path that leads to wrath. Jack Satan's power defying. ! 324 The wheels go round without a sound The lights burn red and blue and green. What's this that's found upon the ground? Poor Charlotte Smith's a smithareen John William Yope. Sophistry, n. The controversial method of an opponent, distinguished from one's own by This superior insincerity and fooling. later Sophists, a Gremethod is that of the cian sect of philosophers who began by teaching wisdom, prudence, science, art and, in brief, whatever men ought to know, but lost themselves in a maze of quibbles and a fog of words. His bad opponent's "facts" he sweeps away, And drags his sophistry to light of day; Then swears they're pushed to madness who resort To Not falsehood of so desperate a sort. so; like sods lies upon a dead man's breast, He most lightly who the least is pressed. Polydore Smith. Sorcery, n. The ancient prototype and forerunner of political influence. It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes was punished by torture and death. Augustine Nicholas relates that a poor peasant 325 been accused of sorcery was put to the torture to compel a confession. After enduring a few gentle agonies the suffering simpleton admitted his guilt, but naively asked his tormentors if it were not possible to be a sorcerer without knowing it. who had Soul, n. A spiritual entity concerning which Plato held that those souls which in a previous state of existence (antedating Athens) had obtained the clearest glimpses of eternal truth entered into the bodies of persons who became philosophers. Plato was himself a philosopher. there hath been brave disputation. The souls that had least con- templated divine truth animated the bodies of usurpers and despots. Dionysius I, who had threatened to decapitate the broadbrowed philosopher, was a usurper and despot. Plato, doubtless, was not the first to construct a system of philosophy that could be quoted against his enemies; certainly he was not the last. "Concerning the nature of the soul," saith the renowned author of Diversiones Sanctorum, "there hath been hardly more argu- ment than that of its place in the body. Mine own belief is that the soul hath her seat in the 326 abdomen ligible, — in which faith we may is dis- cern and interpret a truth hitherto unintel- namely that the glutton of all men most devout. He is 'make a god of his belly' ^why, then, should he not be pious, having ever his Deity with him to freshen his faith? Who so well as he can know the might and majesty that he shrines? Truly and soberly, the soul and the stomach are one Divine said in the Scripture to — Entity; and such was the belief of sius, Promait who nevertheless erred in denying immortality. He had observed that its visi- ble and material substance failed and de- cayed with the rest of the body after death, but of its immaterial essence he knew nothing. This is what we call the Appetite, and it survives the wreck and reek of mortality, be rewarded or punished in another world, according to what it hath demanded The Appetite whose coarse in the flesh. to clamoring was for the unwholesome viands market and the public refectory shall be cast into eternal famine, whilst that which firmly though civilly insisted on of the general ortolans, caviare, terrapin, anchovies, path de foie gras and bles shall flesh all such Christian comesti- its spiritual tooth in the souls 327 them forever and ever, and wreak its upon the immortal parts of the rarest and richest wines ever quaffed here below. Such is my religious faith, though I grieve to confess that neither His Holiness the Pope nor His Grace the Archbishop of of divine thirst Canterbury (whom I equally and profoundly revere) will assent to its dissemination." Spooker, n. A writer whose imagination conOne of the is cerns itself with supernatural phenomena, especially the doings of spooks. most illustrious spookers of our time Mr. a William D. Howells, who introduces well-credentialed reader to as respectable and mannerly a company of spooks as one could wish to meet. To the terror that invests the chairman of a district school board, the Howells ghost adds something of the mystery enveloping a farmer from another township. Story, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the stories here following has, however, not been successfully impeached. One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of 328 New York, found himself seated at dinner alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, critic. the dis- tinguished "Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, The Biography of a Dead Cow, is published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its authorship. Yet in reviewing it you speak of Century. "I it as the work of the Idiot of the fair criticism?" Do you think that very sorry, sir," replied the critic, it did not occur to me that you really might not wish the public to amiably, "but am know who wrote Mr. it." Morrow, who used to live in was addicted to writing ghost stories which made the reader C. W. San Jose, California, stream of lizards, fresh from the were streaking it up his back and hiding in his hair. San Jose was at that time believed to be haunted by the visible spirit of a noted bandit named Vasquez, who had been hanged there. The town was not very well lighted, and it is putting it mildly to say that San Jose was reluctant to be out o' nights. One particularly dark night two gentlemen were abroad in the loneliest spot feel as if a ice, within the city limits, talking loudly to keep 329 when they came upon Mr. Owen, a well-known journalist. J. J. "Why, Owen," said one, "what brings you here on such a night as this? You told up their courage, me that this is one of Vasquez' favorite are a believer. haunts! And you Aren't you afraid to be out?" dear fellow," the journalist replied with a drear autumnal cadence in his speech, like the moan of a leaf-laden wind, "I am afraid to be in. I have one of Will Morrow's stories in my pocket and I don't dare to go where there is light enough to read it." "My Rear-Admiral Schley and Representative Charles F. Joy were standing near the Peace Monument, in Washington, discussing the question. Is success a failure? sentence, exclaiming: "Hello! Mr. Joy sud- denly broke off in the middle of an eloquent I've heard before. Santlemann's, I think." that band "I don't hear any band," said Schley. Joy; "but I see General Miles coming down the avenue, and that pageant always affects me One has in the same way as a brass band. to "Come to think, I don't either," said scrutinize one's impressions pretty — 330 closely, or one will mistake their origin." the While Admiral was digesting this hasty meal of philosophy General Miles passed in review, a spectacle of impressive dignity. When the tail of the seeming pro- had passed and the two observers had recovered from the transient blindness caused by its effulgence cession seems to be enjoying himself," said the Admiral. "There is nothing," assented Joy, thoughtfully, "that "He he enjoys one-half so well." The illustrious statesman. Champ Clark, once lived about a mile from the village of Jebigue, in Missouri. One day he rode into town on a favorite mule, and, hitching the beast on the sunny side of a street, in front of a saloon, he went inside in his character of teetotaler, to apprise the barkeeper that wine day. is a mocker. It Pretty soon a was a dreadfully hot neighbor came in and seeing Clark, said: "Champ, it is not right to leave that mule He'll roast, sure! out there in the sun. he was smoking as I passed him." "O, he's all right," said Clark, lightly; ''he's an inveterate smoker." 331 took a lemonade, but shook his head and repeated that it was not right. The neighbor He was a conspirator. There had been around a fire the night before: a stable just number of horses had put on their immortality, among them a young colt, which was roasted to a the corner had burned and a the boys had turned Mr. Clark's mule loose and substituted the mortal part of the colt. Presently rich nut-brown. of Some another man entered the saloon. "For mercy's sake!" he said, taking it with sugar, "do remove that mule, barkeeper: it smells." "Yes," interposed Clark, "that animal has the best nose in Missouri. But if he doesn't mind, you shouldn't." In the course of human events Mr. Clark went out, and there, apparently, lay the incinerated and shrunken remains of his charger. The boys did not have any fun out of Mr. Clark, who looked at the body and, with the non-committal expression to which he owes so much of his political preBut walking home ferment, went away. late that night he saw his mule standing silent and solemn by the wayside in the misty moonlight. Mentioning the name of — 332 Helen Blazes with uncommon emphasis, Mr. Clark took the back track as hard as ever he could hook it, and passed the night in town. General H. H. Wotherspoon, president of the Army War College, has a pet rib- nosed baboon, an animal of uncommon inRetelligence but imperfectly beautiful. turning to his apartment one evening, the General was surprised and pained to find Adam named, the general being a Darwinian) sitting up for him and wearing its master's best uniform coat, epaulettes and all. "You confounded remote ancestor!" thundered the great strategist, "what do you mean by being out of bed after taps? and with my coat on I" Adam rose and with a reproachful look got down on all fours in the manner of his (for so the creature is kind and, scuffling across the room to a table, returned with a visiting-card: General Barry had called and, judging by an empty champagne bottle and several cigarstumps, had been hospitably entertained while waiting. The general apologized to his faithful progenitor and retired. The ; 333 next day he met General Barry, who said: "Spoon, old man, when leaving you last evening I forgot to ask you about those excellent cigars. Where do you get them?" General Wotherspoon did not deign to reply, but walked away. "Pardon me, please," said Barry, moving after him; "I was joking of course. Why, I knew it was not you before I had been in room n. the fifteen minutes." Success, The one unpardonable In literature, sin against one's fellows. and particuset larly in poetry, the elements of success are exceedingly simple, and are admirably forth in the following lines by the reverend Father Gassilasca Jape, entitled, for some mysterious reason, "John A. Joyce." The bard who would prosper must carry a book, Do his thinking in prose and wear A crimson And Be If cravat, a far-away look a head of hexameter hair. thin in your thought and your body'll be fat you wear your hair long you needn't your n. hat. Suffrage, Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, as commonly interpreted, the right to 334 vote for the man of another man's choice, and the is highly prized. Refusal to do so has incivilian, bad name of "incivism." The however, cannot be properly arrainged for his crime, for there is no legitimate accuser. If the accuser is himself guilty he has no standing in the court of opinion; if not, he profits by the crime, for A's abstention from voting gives greater weight to the vote of B. By female suffrage is meant the right of a woman to vote as some man tells her to. It is based on female responsibility, which is somewhat to limited. The woman most jump back into it eager jump out is of her petticoat to assert her to rights first when threatened with a switching for misusing them. Sycophant, n. One who approaches Greaton his belly so that he may not be comness manded to turn and be kicked. He is some- times an editor. As the lean leech, fix itself its its victim found, is pleased To upon a part diseased Till, black hide distended with bad blood, It drops to die of surfeit in the mud, applies, So the base sycophant with joy descries His neighbor's weak spot and his mouth — ; 33S Gorges and prospers Unlike that Gelasma, reptile, like the leech, although, let go. he will not if it paid you to devote Your talent to the service of a goat, Showing by forceful logic that its beard Is more than Aaron's fit to be revered If to the task of honoring its smell Profit had prompted you, and love as well. The world would benefit at last by you And wealthy malefactors weep anew Your favor for a moment's space denied to the nobler object turned aside. And Is't not enough that thrifty millionaires Who loot To in freight and spoliate in fares, Or, cursed with consciences that bid them fly safer villainies of darker dye. fain, instead, Forswearing robbery and To steal May see And Still (they call it "cornering") our bread their boots to lick you groveling begging for the favor of a kick? must you follow in to the bitter end Your sycophantic disposition's trend, And your eagerness to please the rich sinners to their final ditch ? Hunt hungry In Morgan's praise you smite the sounding wire. And sing hosannas to great Havemeyer! What's Satan done that him you should eschew ? you. He too is reeking rich —deducting Syllogism, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor assumption and an inconsequent. (See LOGIC.) 336 Sylph, immaterial but visible being that inhabited the air when the air was an element and before it was fatally polluted n. An by factory smoke, sewer gas and similar products of civilization. Sylphs were allied to gnomes, nymphs and salamanders, which dwelt, respectively, in earth, water and fire, all now air, insalubrious. Sylphs, like fowls of to the were male and female, if no purpose, apparently, for they had progeny they must have nested in inaccessible places, none of the chicks having ever been seen. Symbol, «. Something that is supposed to typify or stand for something else. symbols are mere "survivals" things which having no longer any utility continue to exist to — Many because we have inherited the tendency make them; as funereal urns carved on memorial monuments. They were once real urns We holding the ashes of the dead. cannot stop making them, but we can give them a lessness. name that conceals our help- Symbolic, adj. Pertaining to symbols and the use and interpretation of symbols. They say 'tis conscience feels compunction; 337 I hold that that's the stomach's function, For of the sinner I have noted bloated, somewhat some other ghastly fashion Within that bowel' of compassion. True, I believe the only sinner he's sinned he's That when Or ill Is he that eats a shabby dinner. You know how Adam with good reason. For eating apples out of season, Was "cursed." But that is all symbolic: The truth is, Adam had the colic. G.J. T, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the Greeks absurdly called tau. In the alphabet whence ours comes it had the form of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood alone (which was more than the Phoenicians could always do) signified Tallegal, translated by the learned Dr. Brownrigg, "tanglefoot." Table d' h6te, n. A caterer's thrifty conces- sion to the universal passion for irresponsibility. Old Paunchinello, freshly wed. P. to table. Took Madame 338 And As there deliriously fed fast as he was able. "I dote upon good grub," he cried, Intent upon its throatage. "Ah, yes," said the neglected bride, "You're in your table d'hotage." Associated Poets. Tail, set n. The part of an animal's spine that its has transcended natural limitations to up an independent existence in a world of its own. Excepting in his foetal state, Man is without a tail, a privation of which he attests an hereditary and uneasy consciousness by the coat-skirt of the male and the train of the female, and by a marked tendency to ornament that part of his attire where the tail should be, and indubitably once was. This tendency is most observable in the female of the species, in whom the ancestral sense tailed are is strong and persistent. The men described by Lord Monboddo now generally regarded as a product of an imagination past. unusually susceptible to influences generated in the golden age of our pithecan Take, v. t. To acquire, frequently stealth. by force but preferably by — Talk, v. t. ; 339 To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse without purpose. Tariff, n. designed on imports, producei against the greed of his consumer. scale A of taxes to protect the domestic The Enemy of Human Souls Sat grieving at the cost of coals; For Hell had been annexed of And was a sovereign Southern "It were no late, State. more than right," said he, fuel free. "That I should get my The duty, neither just nor wise. to Compels me economize one. Whereby my broilers, every Are execrably underdone. What would they have ? —although I yearn To do them nicely tariff to a turn, I can't afford an honest heat. This makes even devils cheat! I'm ruined, and my humble trade All rascals may at will invade: Beneath Outdoes my me nose the public press in sulphureousness The bar ingeniously applies To my undoing my own lies; My medicines the doctors use (Albeit vainly) to refuse To me my fair and rightful prey 340 And The keep their own in shape to pay; preachers by example teach to perform, I preach; What, scorning And statesmen, aping me, all make More promises than they can break. Against such competition I Lift up a disregarded cry. Since all ignore my just complaint, By Hokey- Pokey! I'll turn saint!" Now, the Republicans, who all Are saints, began at once to bawl devil of a go! Against his competition; so There was a They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete In acrimonious debate. Till Democrats, forlorn and lone, Had That But hopes of coining by their own. evil to avert, in haste The two belligerents embraced; to relax since 'twere wicked A tittle of Twas the Sacred Tax, finally agreed to grant The bold Insurgent-protestant A bounty on each soul that fell Into his ineffectual Hell. Edam Smith. Technicality, n. In an English court a man His named Home was tried for slander in hav- ing accused a neighbor of murder. exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon — 341 the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder and the other the other shoulder." upon The defendant was side acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference. Tedium, n. is Ennui, the bored. state or condition of fanciful deriva- one that so Many word have been affirmed, but high an authority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very obvious source tions of the the first Deum ral words of the ancient Latin hymn Te Laudamus. In this apparently natuthere is derivation something that saddens. Teetotaler, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally. Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. 342 Telescope, «. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell sum- moning us to the sacrifice. Tenacity, n. A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in politics. The following illustrative lines were written of a Californian gentleman in high political preferment, who has passed to his accounting: Of such tenacity his grip his That nothing from hand can slip. Well-buttered eels you In vain may o'erwhelm In tubs of liquid slippery-elm —from his detaining pinch They cannot That struggle half an inch! is 'Tis lucky that he so planned breath he draws not with his hand, For if he did, so great his greed He'd draw his last with eager speed. Nay, that were well, you say. Not so He'd draw but never let it go! 848 Theosophy, of science. n. An ancient faith having all all the certitude of religion and the mystery holds, incal- with the culable The modern Theosophist Buddhists, that we live an number of times on this earth, in as several bodies, because one life is not long enough for our complete spiritual development; that is, a single lifetime does not suffice for us to become as wise and many good as we choose to wish to become. To be absolutely wise and good that is perfection; and the Theosophist is so keensighted as to have observed that everything desirous of improvement eventually attains perfection. Less competent observers are disposed to except cats, which seem neither wiser nor better than they were last year. The greatest and fattest of recent Theosophists was the late Madame Blavatsky, who had no cat. — Tights, n. An habiliment of the stage tion of the press agent designed to reinforce the general acclamawith a particular publicity. Public attention was once some- what diverted from Lillian Russell's garment refusal to wear this to Miss and it, many were the conjectures as to her motive, 844 the guess of Miss Pauline Hall showing a high order of ingenuity and sustained tion. reflec- was Miss Hall's belief that nature had not endowed Miss Russell with beautiful legs. This theory was impossible of acceptance by the male understanding, but the conception of a faulty female leg was of It so prodigibus originality as to rank among the most brilliant feats of philosophical speculation ! It is strange that in all the con- troversy regarding Miss Russell's aversion to tights no one seems to to have thought to nature of that ascribe it what was known among the ancients as "modesty." The sentiment is now imperfectly understood, and possibly incapable of exposition with the vocabulary that remains to us. of lost arts The study has, however, been recently revived and some of the arts themselves is an epoch of renaissances, ground for hope that the primitive "blush" may be dragged from its hiding-place amongst the tombs of antiquity and hissed on to the stage. recovered. This is and there Tomb, are a n. The House of Indifference. Tombs now by common consent invested with certain sanctity, but when they have been 345 long tenanted it is them open and a considered no sin to break rifle them, the famous Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns, explaining that tomb may be innocently "glened" as soon occupant is done "smellynge," the soul being then all exhaled. This reasonable as its view ity is logists, now generally accepted by archaeowhereby the noble science of Curios- has been greatly dignified. v. Tope, is To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. regarded In the individual, toping with disesteem, but toping pitted against the hard- nations are in the forefront of civilization and power. When drinking Christians the abstemious Ma- hometans go down like grass before the scythe. In India one hundred thousand beef-eating and brandy-and-soda guzzling Britons hold in subjection two hundred and fifty million vegetarian abstainers of the race. With what an easy grace whisky-loving American pushed the temperate Spaniard out of his possessions'! From the time when the Berserkers ravaged same Aryan the the coasts of western Europe and lay drunk in every conquered port it has been the same way: everywhere the nations that all : — 346 drink too much are observed to fight rather well and not too righteously. the estimable old ladies Wherefore justly who abolished the canteen from the American nation's military power. army may boast of having materially augmented the Tortoise, to n. A creature thoughtfully created lines by the supply occasion for the following illustrious Ambat Delaso TO MY PET TORTOISE My Nor friend, gait's Your you are not graceful not at all; between a stagger and a sprawl. — are you beautiful: your head's a snake's at, To look and I do not doubt it aches. As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep. Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep. No, you're not pretty, but A certain firmness —mostly you have, I own, you're backbone. Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews) Are I virtues that the great know how yet, to use wish that they did not; lack You —excuse my mentioning — it on the whole, Soul. — ; 34T So, to be candid, unreserved I'd rather you were I than I and true, were you. Perhaps, however, in a time to be. When Man's Your progeny extinct, a better world may see in power and control, Due So to the genesis and growth of Soul. I salute you as a reptile grand Predestined to regenerate the land. Father of Possibilities, O deign To accept the homage of a dying reign! In the far region of the unforeknown I dream a tortoise upon every throne. his I see an Emperor head withdraw Into his carapace for fear of Law; fat, A King who carries something else than Howe'er acceptably he carries that President not strenuously bent A On punishment of audible dissent never shot Who (it were a vain attack) An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back; Subjects and citizens that feel no need To make the March of Mind a wild stampede; 348 All progress slow, contemplative, sedate. And "Take Tortoise, your time" the word, in Church and State. a happy, happy dream, 'tis My 1 glorious testudinous regime 1 wish in Eden you'd brought slouching in and chasing this about out. By Adam Tree, to . n. A tall vegetable as intended by nature apparatus, though most trees through a miscarriage of justice bear only a negligible fruit, or none at all. serve a penal When ficent naturally fruited, the tree is a .bene- agency of civilization and an importIn the stern West and the sensitive South its fruit (white and black respectively) though not eaten, is agreeable to the public taste and, though not ant factor in public morals. exported, profitable to the general welfare. That the legitimate relation of the tree to justice was no discovery of Judge Lynch (who, indeed, conceded it no primacy over the lamp-post and the bridge-girder) is made plain by the following passage from Morryster, who antedated him by two centuries : While tree, in y londe I I was carryed to see y* Ghogo y' whereof had hearde moch talk; but sayynge : — 349 I villayge saw naught remarkabyll in it, y* hed manne of y* where it grewe made answer as foUoweth "Y^ tree is not nowe in fruite, but in his seasonne shall see you dependynge fr. his braunches all soch as have affroynted y* King his Majesty." And I was furder y"" tolde y* y* worde "Ghogo" sygni- fyeth in tong y' same as "rapscal" in our owne. Trauvelh in y' Easte. Trial, n. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors. In order to effect this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the person of one who is called the defendant, the prisoner, or the accused. If the contrast is is made sufficiently clear this person made to undergo such an affliction as will give the virtuous gentle- men a comfortable sense of their immunity, to that of their is added worth. In our day being, or a the accused socialist, usually a human but in mediaeval times, animals, and insects were brought to trial. beast that had taken human life, or practiced sorcery, was duly arrested, tried and, if condemned, put to death by the public executioner. Insects ravaging grain fishes, reptiles A fields, orchards or vineyards were cited to appeal by counsel before a civil tribunal, 350 and after testimony, argument and condemnation, if they continued in contumaciam the matter was taken to a high ecclesiastical court, where they were solemnly excommunicated and anathematized. In a street of Toledo, some pigs that had wickedly run between the viceroy's legs, upsetting him, were arrested on a warrant, tried and punished. In Naples an ass was condemned to be burned at the stake, but the sentence appears not to have been executed. D'Addosio relates from the court records many trials of pigs, bulls, horses, etc., cocks, dogs, goats, greatly, it is believed, to the betterment of their conduct and morals. 145 1 a suit was brought against the leeches infesting some ponds about Berne, In and the Bishop of Lausanne, instructed by the faculty of Heidelberg University, directed that some of "the aquatic worms" be brought before the local magistracy. This was done and the leeches, both present and absent, were ordered to leave the places that they had infested within three days on pain of incurring "the malediction of God." In the voluminous records of this cause celebre nothing is found to show whether the offenders braved the punishment, or departed 351 forthwith out of that inhospitable jurisdic tion. Trichinosis, ents of n. The pig's reply to proponill porcophagy. fallen Moses Mendlessohn having for a Christian physician, sent who at once diagnosed the philosopher's disorder as trichinosis, but tactfully gave it another name. "You need an immediate change of diet," he saidj "you must eat six ounces of pork every other day." "Pork?" shrieked the patient "pork? Nothing shall induce me to touch it!" "Do you mean that?" the doctor gravely asked. — "I swear it!" "Good! you." —then In I will undertake to cure Trinity, distinct «. the multiplex theism of certain Christian churches, three entirely deities consistent with only one. faith, Subordinate deities of the polytheistic such as devils dowered with the power of combination, and must urge individually their claims to adoration and angels, are not 352 and propitiation. The Trinity is one of the most sublime mysteries of our holy religion. In rejecting it because it is incomprehensible, Unitarians of betray their inadequate sense theological fundamentals. In religion we believe only what we do not doctrine that understand, except in the instance of an intelligible contradicts that an incomprehensible one. In case we believe the former as a part of the latter. Troglodyte, n. Specifically, a cave-dweller Tree and famous community of troglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam. The colony consisted of "every one that was in distress, and every one that was in debt, and every one that was discontented" in brief, all the Socialists of Judah. of the paleolithic period, after the before the Flat. A — Truce, n. Friendship. Truth, bility n. An ingenious compound of desira- and appearance. Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of existing with increasing activity to the end of time. 353 Truthful, Trust, n. adj. Dumb and illiterate. In American politics, a large cor- poration composed in greater part of thrifty working men, widows small means, orphans in the care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactors and of public enemies. Turkey, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude. eating. Incidentally, it is pretty good Twice, adv. Once Type, n. too often. Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying civilization and enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in parable dictionary. this incom- TzETz6, (or Tsetse) Fly, n. An African is in- sect {Glossina morsitans) whose bite com- monly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedy for insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American novelist [Mendax inferminabilis.) 354 U Ubiquity, all «. The gift or power of being in places at one time, but not in all places at all times, tribute only. which is omnipresence, an atof God and the luminiferous ether This important distinction between ubiquity and omnipresence was not clear to the mediaeval Church and there was much bloodshed about it. Certain Lutherans, who affirmed the presence everywhere of Christ's body were known as Ubiquitarians. For this error they were doubtless damned, for Christ's body is present only in the eucharist, though that sacrament may be performed in more than one place simultaneously. In recent times ubiquity has not always been understood not even by Sir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that a man cannot be in two places at once unless he is a bird. — Ugliness, «. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility. Ultimatum, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions. 355 Having sider it. received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministry met to con- "O servant of the Sheik of Prophet," said the Imperial Chibouk to the the Mamoosh of the Invincible Army, "how many unconquerable soldiers have we in arms?" "Upholder of the Faith," replied after that dignitary "they are in forest!" examining his memoranda, numbers as the leaves of the impenetrable battleships "And how many strike terror to the hearts of all Christian swine?" he asked the Victorious Navy. Imaum of the Ever reply, "Uncle of the Full Moon," was the "deign to stars of know that they are as the waves of the ocean, the sands of the desert and the Heaven !" For eight hours the broad brow of the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk was corrugated with evidences of deep thought: he was calculating the chances of war. Then, "Sons of angels," he said, "the die is cast! I shall suggest to the Ulema of the Imperial Ear that he advise inaction. is In the name of Allah, the council adjourned." 356 Un-American, heathenish. adj. Wicked, intolerable, Unction, oil n. An oiling, or greasing. The rite of extreme unction consists in touching with consecrated by a bishop several parts of the body of one engaged in dying. Marbury had been adminwicked English nobleman it was discovered that the oil had not been properly consecrated and no other could be obtained. When informed of this relates that after the rite istered to a certain the sick man if I said in anger: "Then I'll be damned die!" is "My we son," said the priest, "that what fear." Understanding, a horse n. A cerebral secretion that it to know a house from by the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and Kant, who enables one having lived in a horse. His understanding was so keen all things which he'd felt, heard, He could interpret without fail If he That seen, was in or out of jail. He wrote at Inspiration's call —— 357 Deep disquisitions on them all, Then, pent at last in an asylum. Performed the service to compile So great a writer, all 'em. men swore, They never had not read before. Jorrock Wormley. Unitarian, n. One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian. Universalist, n. One who foregoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith. Urbanity, but is n. The kind of civility that urban all observers ascribe to dwellers in cities New York. Its commonest expression heard in the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not inconsistent with disregard of the rights of others. The owner of a powder mill distant hill Was musing on a his Something mind foreboded fell When A deviled from the cloudless sky there human kidney! Well, mill had exploded. lifted The man's His hat he "I didn't from his head; he said; "I beg your pardon, sir," know 'twas loaded." Swatkin. 358 Usage, n. The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and Third being Cus- tom and Conventionality. decent reverence for this industrious writer Imbued with a Holy Triad an to may hppe as produce books that will live long as the fashion. UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own wife. Valor, «. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's hope. "Why have you halted?" roared the com- mander of a division at a charge; Chickamauga, who had ordered at once." "move forward, siir, "General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy." Vanity, They n. The tribute of a fool to the ass. worth of the nearest say that hens do cackle loudest when — ; 359 There's nothing vital in the eggs they've laid And there are hens, professing to have made A study of mankind, business 'tis who say that men Whose to drive the tongue or pen Make the most clamorous fanfaronade O'er their most worthless work; and I'm afraid They're not entirely different from the hen. Lo ! the drum-major in his coat of gold, His blazing breeches and high-towering cap Imperiously pompous, grandly bold, Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap! Who'd think this gorgeous creature's only virtue Is that in battle he will never hurt you? Hannibal Hunsiker. Virtues, n. pi. Certain abstentions. Vituperation, n. Satire, as understood by dunces and all such as suffer from an impediment in their wit. Vote, and n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to a make a fool of himself wreck of his country. w W (double U) the has, of all the letters in our alphabet, only cumbrous name, the ; 360 being monosyllabic. This advantage of the Roman alphabet over the Grecian is the more valued after audibly spelling out some simple Greek word, like exixopta[ji.ptK(ie. Still, it is now thought by the learned that other agencies than the difference of the two alphabets may have been concerned in the decline of "the glory that was Greece" and the rise of "the grandeur that was Rome." There can be no doubt, however, that by simplifying the name of (calling it "wow," for example) our civilization could be, if not promoted, at least better endured. of names the others W Wall Street, n. A symbol of sin for is every a den devil to rebuke. That Wall Street of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuc- cessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. Even the great and good Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter. Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call all To battle : "The brokers are parasites !" Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll never prevail Keep the vi'ind of your slogan to belly your isle sail, Go back to your of perpetual brume. Silence your pibroch, dofE tartan and plume: — — ! 361 Ben Lomond Fly, fly is calling his son from the fray from the region of Wall Street away While still it you're possessed of a single baubee to (I wish were pledged to retreat endowment of me) 'Twere wise Lest its from the wars of finance value decline ere your credit advance. 'twixt a king of finance and the sea, is For a man Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue too free! Anonymus Bink. War, n. A by-product of the arts of peace. The most menacing political condition is a period of international amity. The student of history who has not been taught to expect the unexpected may justly boast himself inaccessible to the light. of peace prepare for war" has a "In time deeper meaning than is commonly discerned; it means, not merely that all things earthly have an end that change is the one — immutable and eternal law but that the soil of peace is thickly sown with seeds of war and singularly suited to their germination and growth. It was when Kubla Khan had decreed his "stately pleasure dome" when, that is to say, there were peace and fat feasting in — Xanadu —that he heard from far Ancestral voices prophesying war. 362 One of the greatest of poets, Coleridge of the wisest of men, was one and it was not for nothing that he read us this parable. Let us have a little less of "hands across the sea," and that to a little is more of that elemental distrust the security of nations. War loves come like a thief in the night; professions of eternal amity provide the night. Washingtonian, n. A Potomac tribesman who exchanged ment. the privilege of governing himself for the advantage of good govern- In justice to him that he did not want to. They it should be said took away his vote and gave instead The right, vi^hen In vain —he clamors he had earned, to eat his bread. for his "boss," poor soul, his roll. To come again and part him from Offenbach Stutz. Weaknesses, of Tyrant Certain primal powers wherewith she holds dominion over the male of her species, binding n. pi. Woman him to the service of her will and. paralyzing his rebellious energies. Weather, n. The climate of an hour. A per- manent topic of conversation among persons — 863 whom it does not interest, but who have it inherited the tendency to chatter about from naked arboreal ancestors whom it The setting up of official weather bureaus and their maintenance in keenly concerned. mendacity prove that even governments are accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle. Once I dipt into I the future far as human eye could see, And saw the Chief Forecaster, dead as any one can beDead and damned and his birth, shut in Hades as a liar from With While a record of unreason seldom paralleled on earth. I looked he reared him solemnly, that incand- escent youth. From the coals that he'd preferred to the advantages of truth. He cast his eyes about him and above him; then he wrote On a slab of thin asbestos what I venture here to quote For I read it in the rose-light of the everlasting glow: "Cloudy; variable winds, with local showers; cooler; snow." Halcyon Jones. Wedding, ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undern. A 364 takes to takes to become nothing, and nothing underbecome supportable. n. Werewolf, wolf that was once, or is All werewolves are man. of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form to gratify a bestial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are as humane as is consistent with an acquired taste for sometimes, a A peasants having caught a wolf one evening, tied it to a post by the tail and went to bed. The next morning nothing was there! Greatly perplexed, they con- human flesh. Some Bavarian who told them that was undoubtedly a werewolf and had resumed its human form during the night. "The next time that you take a wolf," the good man said, "see that you chain it by the leg, and in the morning you will find a sulted the local priest, their captive Lutheran." Whangdepootenawah, tongue, disaster; n. In the Ojibwa an unexpected affliction that strikes hard. Should you ask me whence this laughter, Whence this audible big-smiling, With its labial extension, ! — 365 With its maxillar distortion And its diaphragmic rhythmus Like the billowing of ocean, Like the shaking of a carpet, I should answer, I should tell you: From the great deeps of the spirit, From the unplummeted abysmus Of the soul this laughter welleth As the fountain, the gug-guggle, Like the river from the canon. To entoken and give warning present That my mood is sunny. Should you ask me further question Why Why Of This the great deeps of the spirit. the unplummeted ahvsmns^ audible big-smiling, the soul extrudes this laughter, all I should answer, I should tell you With With a white heart, tumpitumpy, a true tongue, honest Injun: William Bryan, he has Caught It, Caught the Whangdepootenawah Is't the sandhill crane, the shankank. Standing in the marsh, the kneedeep. Standing silent in the kneedeep With his wing-tips crossed behind him And With his neck close-reefed before him. bosom. inly, his bill, his william, buried In the down upon his his With head retracted While his shoulders overlook it? Does the sandhill crane, the shankank, ! 366 Shiver grayly in the north wind,' Wishing he had died when little, As the sparrow, the chipchip, does? 'tis No not the Shankank standing, Standing in the gray and dismal Marsh, the gray and dismal kneedeep. No, 'tis peerless William Bryan Realizing that he's Caught It, Caught the Whangdepootenawah Wheat, A cereal from which a tolerably n. good whisky can with some difficulty be made, and which is used also for bread. The French are said to eat more bread per capita of population than any other people, which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuff palatable. White, adj. and n. Black. Widow, ian n. A pathetic figure that the Christ- world has agreed to take humorously, although Christ's tenderness towards widhis character. ows was one of the most marked features of Wine, n. Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union as "liquor," sometimes as "rum." Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to man. 367 Wit, with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by n. The it salt leaving out. Witch, n. (i) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful in and attractive young woman, devil. wickedness a league beyond the Witticism, Philistine n. A sharp and clever remark, ; usually quoted, and seldom noted is what the pleased to call a "joke." Woman, «. An vicinity of Man, and having to animal usually living in the a rudimentary domestication. It is susceptibility credited by many of the elder zoologists with a certain vestigial docility acquired in a former state of seclusion, but naturalists of the postsusananthony period, having no knowledge of the seclusion, deny the virtue and declare that such as creation's dawn beheld, it roareth now. The species is the most widely distributed of all beasts of prey, infesting all habitable parts of the globe, from Greenland's spicy mountains to India's moral strand. The popular name (wolf- — 368 ! man) in its is incorrect, for the creature is of the The woman is lithe and graceful movements, especially the American variety {Felts pugnans) is omnivorous and can be taught not to talk. Balthasar Pober. cat kind. , WORMS'-MEAT, n. The finished product of which we are the raw material. The contents of the Taj Mahal, the Tombeau Napoleon and the Grantarium. Worms'meat is usually outlasted by the structure that houses it, but "this too must pass away." Probably the silliest work in which a human being can engage is construction of a tomb for himself. The solemn purpose cannot by contrast the dignify, but only accentuates foreknown futility. so Ambitious fool ! mad to be a show How The you bestow Upon a dwelling whose magnificence profitless the labor tenant neither can admire nor know. Build deep, build high, build massive as you can, The wanton grass-roots will defeat the plan By shouldering asunder' all the stones In what to you would be a moment's span. Time to the dead so all unreckoned flies That when your marble all is dust, arise, — 369 If wakened, stretch your limbs and yawn You'll think you scarcely can have closed your eyes. What though of till all man's works your tomb alone himself be overthrown? Should stand Time Would Forever it advantage you to dwell therein as a stain upon a stone? Joel Huck. Worship, n. Homo Creator's testimony to the sound construction and fine finish of Deus Creatus. tion, popular form of abjechaving an element of pride. n. A Wrath, Anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriate to exalted characters and momentous occasions as, "the wrath of God," "the day of wrath," etc. Amongst the ancients the wrath of kings was deemed ; sacred, for it could usually command the agency of some god for its fit manifestation, could also that of a priest. The Greeks before Troy were so harried by Apollo that as they jumped out of the frying-pan of the wrath of Chryses into the of Achilles, though offender, fire of the wrath the sole Agamemnon, was neither fried nor roasted. A immunity was that of David when he incurred the wrath of Yahveh by similar noted — 370 numbering his people, seventy thousand of whom paid the penalty with their lives. God is now Love, and a director of the census performs his work without apprehension of disaster. X X in our alphabet being a needless letter has an added invincibility to the attacks of the spelling reformers, and like them, will doubtless last as long as the language. X is the sacred symbol of ten dollars, and in such words not, as as Xmas, Xn, etc., stands for Christ, popularly supposed, because it represents a cross, but because the corresponding letter in the Greek alphabet is the is initial of his sented a cross it name Xpiax6	i don't know
Raratonga is the most populous island of which group?	Cook Islands Fact File THE FLAG The Constitution of the Islands explains the flag: BLUE - is the colour most expressive of our Nation, it is representative of the vast area of the Pacific Ocean in which the islands of the Cook Islands are scattered. Blue also depicts the peaceful nature of the inhabitants of our islands. THE UNION JACK indicates our historical association with and membership of the British Commonwealth. The 15 WHITE STARS represent the 15 islands of the group. The islands are 10 hours behind GMT. Daylight saving time is not observed - in other words, the clock doesn't go back or forward at any time. This is the current date and time in the Islands. GOVERNMENT AND HEAD OF STATE Parliamentary democracy based on the UK model. Officially the Islands are an independent nation in free association with New Zealand. They gained independence on 4 August, 1965. The free association agreement means: The Cook Islands Government has full executive powers The Cook Islands can make its own laws and New Zealand cannot make laws for the country unless authorised by Government Cook Islanders keep New Zealand citizenship The Monarch is represented by forrmer deputy prime minister, Tom Marsters. His official title is "HM the Queen's Representative in the Cook Islands". The Cook Islands remains part of the Realm of New Zealand and Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is Head of State of the Cook Islands. LANGUAGE English and Cook Islands Maori are the official languages. About 90% of Islanders can read, write and speak both languages. In Cook Islands Maori, there are 14 letters: a, e, ng, i, k, m, n, o, p, r, t, u, v and the glottal stop which is written as an inverted apostrophe. On the Northern island of Pukapuka, they have their own language. Only 2,000 people in the world speak Pukapukan. Find out more about the languages of the Islands. DRIVING Foreign driving licences are now accepted in the Islands (previoulsy you had to queue up to get a Cook Islands licence). You are allowed to drive using a full valid licence from your own country (i.e. provisional licences are not acceptable). You can drive only the same class of vehicles as in your home country, and your licence must be in English. If it's in any other language, you will have to provide an authorised translation. Driving is on the left hand side of the road, as in the UK, Australia and New Zealand MOBILE (CELL) PHONES UPDATED Mobile (cell) phone services have only been available since the end of 2003 and are provided by TCI (Telecom Cook Islands) using the GSM900 network and both 3G (on Rarotonga) and 2.5G Edge technology for data. You can hire a local mobile in Rarotonga from the Telecom office near CITC. If you want to use your own, your service provider will have to have a roaming arrangement with TCI, or you will need a phone which isn't locked to a provider. Service is available on all islands, but is best on Rarotonga and Aitutaki. Find out the latest information about using your mobile in the Islands on the TCI website . Telecom Cook Islands has also created a SIM card package especially for visitors. The Telecom Traveller card costs NZ$49 and lasts 30 days. It's preloaded with 20 minutes of local calling, which can be also be used to pay for international calls, 100 text messages and 100MB of data. And when you've used that up, the additonal charges are very reasonable compared to the UK and Europe. Again, check out the TCI website page for full details. Author's note: This will only work with phones that are not locked to a home network. Shopping, eating and drinking Everything has tax included in the price Tipping Tipping isn't expected and is contrary to Cook Islands custom. Departure tax: LIke so many countries these days, the Islands charge you a departure tax. This is now "hidden" in your air fare, whereas previously you had to pay it in cash on departure (not the best memory to have as you head for home). The tax applies only to international travel i.e. there is no tax on inter-island flights. PEOPLE POPULATION 14,974 people live in the Islands. According to the latest (2011) census, 73.6% (10,572) live on Rarotonga, and 20.2% in the rest of the Southern Group of islands. Just 6.2% live on the six Northern Group islands where the population is declining most rapidly. Manuae and Takutea are deserted. ETHNIC DIVERSITY Polynesian, 81%. Mixed Polynesian, 16%. European, 2%. Other, 1%. LIFE EXPECTANCY HEALTHCARE The National Health Service in the Cook Islands is of a good standard relative to the needs of the country. The system is managed by the Ministry of Health and provides a 90-bed central hospital on Rarotonga, seven outer island hospitals, 13 outpatient clinics, 5 healthcare centres and 58 maternity-child clinics. Difficult clinical cases are referred to New Zealand for specialised treatment. There is a comprehensive and compulsory immunisation program for all new-born children. There are no dangerous animals, no poisonous insects and no lethal viruses such as malaria indigenous to the Cook Islands. A FEW WORDS ABOUT DENGUE FEVER This is a mosquito-borne virus indigineous to tropical and sub tropical regions including the Cook Islands, and there is no vaccine against it. It causes flu-like symptoms and sometimes - although very rarely - these can develop into something more serious. The last major outbreak was several years ago. It's mentioned here only because I get occasional emails asking about it. In my opinion, you really shouldn't worry about it at all, but for definitive information, please have a look at the World Health Organisation factsheet . ESSENTIAL SERVICES ELECTRICITY Diesel generators provide electricity with output at 240 volts-50 hertz cycle which is the same as the UK, Australia and New Zealand. Rarotonga, Aitutaki and Mauke have a continuous supply. On the other islands, it's available for at least 12 hours a day. * The tuitui is the fruit of the candlenut tree which was introduced to the Islands by the early Polynesians. It's nearly as prolific as the coconut palm. The nut is inside a very hard shell. Before candles, Islanders pierced the nuts with wooden skewers and set light to them. They burn very slowly and last for hours. Well, I thought it was more interesting than saying "in a nutshell"! INTERNET ACCESS UPDATED 3G services are available on Rarotonga and 2.5G on every other island. There are also plenty of wifi hotspots on the capital island and quite a few on Aitutaki. If you're on any of the other islands, you'll find at least one near the local Telecom Cook Islands (TCI) office. Some accommodation providers on Mauke and Mangaia (including Babe's Place and Atiu Villas) also have them. Be warned though...connection speeds will seem slow to European and American visitors. The TCI website has details of all wifi hotspots DUTY FREE ALLOWANCES Those arriving in the country are allowed to bring in two litres (in total) of wine, spirits and liqueur or 4.5 litres of beer. Limits on tobacco are 200 cigarettes, or a total of 250 grams of tobacco products which include cigars. Other goods bought duty free must not exceed a value of NZ$750. OTHER PAGES ON THIS WEBSITE WITH USEFUL INFORMATION FOR VISITORS MONEY New Zealand Dollar. The Cook Islands also has its own distinctive notes and coins which are in circulation alongside the NZ currency, and of equal value. They are not legal tender outside the Islands. The three dollar note (left) is one of the most popular souvenirs. The only ATMs are on Rarotonga and Aitutaki. But a word of warning...check the machine screen to see how much you might be charged for taking out money. Some of the Banks levy a hefty charge. Credit and some debit cards are widely accepted on the capital island and some places on Aitutaki. Rely on cash on the other islands. FOR LGBT TRAVELLERS Homosexuality is generally accepted, although officially illegal (for men, not women). Sex between men in the Cook Island is punishable by up to seven years in prison and gay marriage was banned in 2000. Although a laissez faire attitude is taken to tourists, public displays of affection would be considered offensive. But all that said, LGBT people can visit the Islands safe in the knowledge that they will not be persecuted or harassed. A group in Rarotonga (Te Taiare Association) also works for and on behalf of LGBT people, and in particualr aka vaine (transgender or transexual women). And a new employment law includes the right not to face discrimination because of sexual orientation. TAXIS If you're looking to get to and from Rarotonga airport or want an alternative to the bus or self-drive, look out for the green taxis run by members of the Cook Islands Taxi Association. Customers pay NZ$3 a kilometre with a minimum charge of NZ$10 a journey and a maximum of NZ$50 after 16 kilometres. All Association members conform to a code of conduct. A WORD OF WARNING though...airport transfers start at NZ$15and rise to NZ$20 for trips beyond Aroa Beach or Super Brown Supermarket. So, even if you're going a very short distance, you will still pay the minimum fare, and the charge is per person which means you could be paying a lot to go not very far. PETROL AND DIESEL is priced per litre. The cost is similar to the UK. Americans will think it's very expensive. Prices are higher on the outer islands than on Rarotonga. CRIME Just a few years ago, I always told people you were more likely to be hit by a falling coconut than be a victim of crime. That's still absolutely true in the outer islands, but sadly no longer on Rarotonga. Increasingly, tourists have become targets so the message from the police is not to abandon your common sense. Don't leave valuables lying around if, for example, you're going swimming or snorkelling. The top box or space under the seat on a scooter is not a safe place to store things. And lock away cash, jewellery and other valuables in a hotel safe. All that said, crime is still relatively rare. DRINK DRIVING AND SPEED LIMITS Breathalyser testing was introduced in 2008, and if you are involved in an accident, your alcohol consumption could result in a prison sentence. Speed guns are also in use with on the spot fines. The limit on most of the island is 50kph (31mph), but just 30kph (18 mph) in town (Avarua) and on a stretch of the main road near Muri (between Avana Bridge in Ngatangiia and Parengaru Bridge in Titikaveka	Cook Islands
Which Greek deity, the daughter of Zeus and Hera was goddess of youth?	Modern Pacific Island Populations & Territories ï¿½ & Maps & Table Modern Pacific Island Populations & Territories ï¿½ & Maps & Table There are two "kinds" of Pacific Island entities. The first group comprise those nine independent countries: Table 1 ï¿½ Pacific Island Countries (PICs) ï¿½ Comparative Population & Area Data (1995) Land Area Sea Area Population Country Population Sq. Kms Sq. Kms Density Fiji 774,800 18,272 1,290,000 42 Kiribati 78,400 811 3,550,000 97 Nauru 10,500 21 320,000 500 Papua New Guinea 4,042,400 462,243 3,120,000 9 Samoa 161,000 2,935 120,000 55 Solomon Islands 367,800 28,530 1,340,000 13 Tonga 98,200 747 700,000 131 Tuvalu 9,500 26 900,000 365 Vanuatu 164,100 12,190 680,000 13 Totals 5,705,500 552,191 12,020,000 10 (Av) (Minus PNG) 1,663,100 89,948 8,900,000 18 (Av) Source: Extracted from Pacific Islands Population Update (November 1995). The full numbe of "entities" in the Pacific islands is 23, and their main population and areal characteristics are as follows: Table 2 ï¿½ South Pacific Populations , Densities & Areas Country, State or Territory South Pacific Excluding Papua New Guinea 2,544,154 28 Sources: These details compiled from the Pacific Islands Population Update November 1995. The population densities are based upon figures for the last census. The population estimates are for midï¿½1995. a. Rapanui (Easter Island) figures are based upon genealogical fieldwork of Grant McCall, carried out in 1985ï¿½1986 and projected at an approximate increase of 50 persons per year (births less deaths, but not accounting for nonï¿½Rapanui migration to the island). The broadest definition of the Pacific Islands encompasses twentyï¿½three island states and territories of the Pacific Ocean, including Micronesia (mostly north of the equator) and Papua New Guinea, but excluding the European populations of Hawaii (Hawaiï¿½i) and New Zealand (Aotearoa). Because of the mixture of statuses, these twentyï¿½three are called often "entities", thus making no judgement about sovereignty. West Papua, or Irian Jaya, has a substantial number of Melanesia people, but population figures for the indigenous inhabitants are not available on that province of Indonesia, which was siezed in 1960 and in which there is a lively resistance movement to counter the conquering stateï¿½s control. The nine "Pacific Island Countries" or "PICs" are nominally independent, and they comprise some of the larger states in area and population. The details of these nine places are in Table One above. The full 23 states and territories demonstrating a wide spectrum of political status, from Rapanui (Easter Island), which is an integral part of the Chilean state, to independent states. Along the way, there are special statutes for the French territories which provide them with a kind of home rule, to the situation of the Cook Islands and Niue, whose citizens carry New Zealand passports, but who have elected assemblies for internal and, occasionally, foreign affairs. Micronesia, except for Kiribati and Nauru, is within the sphere of influence of the United States of America and persons there have open access to their metropolitan power, though their political status exhibits considerable variation, from the total dependency of Guam (a possession) to the status of "Autonomous Self-Governing" countries. Map of the Pacific Basin and Rim	i don't know
Which species of penguin is the only penguin that lives north of the equator in the wild?	Penguins \| Basic Facts About Penguins \| Defenders of Wildlife Penguins Basic Facts About Penguins Penguins are aquatic, flightless birds that are highly adapted to life in the water. Their distinct tuxedo-like appearance is called countershading, a form of camouflage that helps keep them safe in the water. Penguins do have wing-bones, though they are flipper-like and extremely suited to swimming. Penguins are found almost exclusively in the southern hemisphere, where they catch their food underwater and raise their young on land. © Joan Cambray Diet Staples: Krill, fish and squid. In general, penguins closer to the equator eat more fish and penguins closer to Antarctica eat more squid and krill. Population Did You Know? Larger penguin species are found in colder climates where their large body mass enables them to cope with the conditions, while smaller penguins inhabit warmer climes. The penguin species with the highest population is the Macaroni penguin with 11,654,000 pairs. The species with the lowest population is the endangered Galapagos penguin with between 6,000-15,000 individuals. Range Penguins can be found on every continent in the Southern Hemisphere from the tropical Galapagos Islands (the Galapagos penguin) located near South America to Antarctica (the emperor penguin). Behavoir Penguins can spend up to 75% of their lives in the water. They do all of their hunting in the water. Their prey can be found within 60 feet of the surface, so penguins have no need to swim in deep water. They catch prey in their beaks and swallow them whole as they swim. Some species only leave the water for molting and breeding. Did You Know? The emperor penguin breeds in the coldest environment of any bird species; air temperatures may reach -40° (F/C), and wind speeds may reach 89 miles per hour (144 km/hr)! Penguins are social birds. Many species feed, swim and nest in groups. During the breeding season, some species form large groups, or “rookeries”, that include thousands of penguins. Each penguin has a distinct call, allowing individuals to find their mate and their chicks even in large groups. Reproduction Mating Season: Varies depending on the species, though most breed during spring and summer. Incubation: Varies from 1 month-66 days depending on the species. Number of offspring: King and emperor penguins lay one egg. All other species of penguin lay two eggs.	Galapagos penguin
Which Italian theoretical and experimental physicist was awarded the 1938 Nobel Prize in Physics for his work on induced radioactivity and the discovery of transuranic elements?	Penguin \| Species \| WWF Penguin Donateh Overview Penguins are a family of 17 to 19 species of birds that live primarily in the Southern Hemisphere. They include the tiny blue penguins of Australia and New Zealand, the majestic emperor penguins of Antarctica and king penguins found on many sub- Antarctic islands, the endangered African penguin and the Galápagos penguin—the only penguin to be found north of the equator. b Scientific Name 15 inches to 3 ½ feet d Weight 2 pounds to 80 pounds e Habitats Oceans, Coasts Though they are birds, penguins have flippers instead of wings. They cannot fly and on land they waddle walking upright—though when snow conditions are right they will slide on their bellies. In the water they are expert swimmers and divers, and some species can reach speeds of up to 15 miles per hour. The penguin’s distinctive coloring—black body with white belly—helps camouflage the bird in the water as it searches for meals of small shrimp, fish, crabs and squid. The Antarctic Peninsula, where half of the world’s emperor penguins and 70% of the Adelie penguins can be found, is heating up faster than the global average and melting the sea ice that the penguins depend on for places to breed and access to food.	i don't know
Which 2016 ‘reality’ T.V. competition was won on the 6th March by Ben Cohen, he was presented with the ‘prestigious’ Cow Bell Trophy?	Yachting Matters - 31 - Autumn/Winter 2016 by Yachting Matters - issuu Over 4000 Megafend EDW™-R¾EXEFPIIRHIVW in use— 0 failures — NONE! Why? We build-in the durability. Full testimonial at megafend.com How? Every step to produce an EDW™ (extreme duty, welded) is done in-house, in the USA. Everything— precisely computercut panels and superior grade valve assemblies are RF thermowelded to shape (never glued)— ¾E[PIWWFSRHW°WXVSRKIVXLER the material itself. )(;MR¾EXEFPIJIRHIVWEVI superior in abrasion resistance, UV resistance and tear strength, with a much higher puncture resistance over competing products. EDW™ FENDERS FENDER HOOKS CHAFE GEAR TRANSOM FENDERS AND MORE..... In the actual words of a Captain,* After a full summer of use, I can say Extreme Duty is the appropriate name. 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You can count on Megafend for innovation, functionality and unmatched quality in all of our mooring accessory products. —Visit megafend.com for special web order discounts— Corporate facilities– Fort Lauderdale, FL USA \| 954.759.9929 \| megafend.com YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 1 THIS MAGAZINE IS NOW AVAILABLE ONLINE AT www.yachtingmatters.com 10 CONTENTS ST BARTHS LIST OF ADVERTISERS THE INDUSTRY FILE 206 207 ADVERTISING OPPORTUNITIES: Colin Squire – [email protected] Karen Leggett – [email protected] Anne Spyropoulos – [email protected] This magazine is a YachtFile publication. Whilst the publishers have taken every care to ensure the contents are correct they cannot take responsibility for any losses incurred as a result of any editorial or advertisement. The opinions do not necessarily reﬂect those of the publisher, who therefore cannot accept any legal responsibilities for opinions expressed herein. We acknowledge the right of reply. All rights are reserved in the format and content of this magazine and no part may be reproduced or stored without prior permission. ) $ 1 & < $ & + $ 1 * ( " Visit: www.maritimecookislands.com Email:superyach t s @m arit im ec o o k is l an ds . c o m A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR S WE HAVE ALWAYS SAID, YACHT OWNERS VOTE WITH the European Union could well look on in envy. I have watched their feet and that has been borne out over the past in amazement as European leaders, far too late, have rounded months like never before as politics and terrorism go on the people of Britain, as they try to justify their own failed head to head with yachting. In the recent past, as I am sure existence, telling us how we have made the biggest mistake ever. you remember, we had the Regional Tax on yachts visiting What surprises me is that we are divorcing ourselves from what Sardinia, yacht Owners kept away, the tax was rescinded and appears to be a disintegrating institution, one that has created they returned. Similar exoduses have taken place in Croatia, an unworkable system that has left large banks throughout mainland Italy, France and Spain, over the years, taxes were either Europe, especially those in Italy and also Germany teetering on introduced, causing an exodus until the tax had been accepted the edge. There are also countries within the EU with appalling or sidestepped, or long awaited yacht friendly chartering rules unemployment and no hope for many of their young citizens have been introduced as in Spain, giving a needed economic wanting to get a decent start in life and the EU has possibly the boost to local economies. Of course when this happens there are lowest growth of any developed economic zone in the world, winners and losers, after all the vessels have to go somewhere. why would we not want to leave, what we signed up for in 1973, This year the exodus from Turkey, after years of expansion, has when there were nine members, is not what we have now. I sat been extreme, due in part to internal politics, terrorism and the after the vote watching a Polish politician stating that the people downing of a Russian fighter jet that flew into Turkish airspace of the UK have no right to vote on such matters, they are far too that resulted in Russian owned yachts leaving en-masse. Recently important to be left to the man in the street, what has happened we had the failed Turkish coup, with well over 200 people killed to democracy? and Just a day before that we had the truck killings in Nice, How will this affect yachting, many yacht crew another appalling and unforgivable crime that can only add to the are, traditionally, from the UK, they will no doubt have new misery and fear being created by French extremists throughout employment rules to contend with, making life difficult, but then France over the past year. Last year’s summer season was not a the Australians, New Zealanders, South Africans and many more good one along the French coast, I cannot see this year being non EU crew have been coping with this inconvenience for years. better, but of course these atrocities can take place anywhere, the The UK, with its devalued Pound, will make the few very good refit kind of terrorism we are facing has no borders. and build yards that do exist in the UK very good value for money Which countries are benefitting this season, they have and this devaluation has already given many UK crew, those being to be Italy, Spain, Croatia and Montenegro. Eastern Greece has paid in Euros or dollars, an instant pay rise and of course anybody suffered due to its correlation with Turkey but there are still many going on a cruise of the UK will be saving money. Yachts heading yachts cruising Greek waters in safety. to Northern Europe or new builds leaving the German and Dutch In the United Kingdom we have had the Brexit vote yards can also call in for duty free fuel as they pass by the English and the resultant upheaval in UK politics as the country comes coast. The full effects on the flagging of vessels with the Red to terms with its new destiny. I have sat through this most Ensign are still unknown, but this 300 year old seafaring emblem unexpected of results and watched as the United Kingdom of quality will not be disappearing soon, of that I am sure. >\|\| sets itself on a course that will no doubt determine a new and exciting future for its people, unhindered by the bureaucracy of Maybe Brexit is not all bad! Brussels. The British are very good at confronting new challenges and I have no doubt that in years to come other countries within VATE YACHT CAPTAINS • CHARTER YACHT CAPTAINS • NEW BUILD CAPTAINS IN NEED OFYACHT A CAPTAIN? 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We have divided heavy slower boats, fast order to participate in pursuit racing like no other. This year, 38 performance boats and everything in between into four classes in teams (topping last year’s 35) competed while the event’s four the past, but it just wasn’t quite right in Class B where we had too stewards – Perini Navi, Royal Huisman, Rybovich, and Vitters broad of a range of different types of boats competing. The right Shipyard – ensured the shore side festivities were well up to the answer to the problem was to go to five classes.’ standards of previous years. ‘More trophies, more winners… it’s all good,’ said Craig. For the first time ever, there were five (instead of four) ‘New course options were another change this year that brought Bucket pursuit classes, which appropriately have been ascribed the beauty and excitement of superyachts-under-sail closer to elegant French names: Les Gazelles des Mers (Class A), Les shore-side venues without compromising safe racing, which with Elegantes des Mers (Class B), Les Femmes des Mers (Class these large yachts, is paramount.’ C), Les Mademoiselles des Mers (Class D) and Les Grandes Sailing in a special sixth class at this year’s Bucket were Dames des Mers (Class E). Regatta Director Peter Craig said the the J-Class Yachts, which will sailed under the J-Class Rule rather reason for adding Les Femmes between Les Elegantes and Les than the Superyacht Rule and fleet racing rather than pursuit YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 OPPOSITE: GALATEIA’S BOWMAN IN ACTION BELOW: AXIA FOLOWING PAGE TOP: GANESHA FOLOWING PAGE BOTTOM: SAMURAI 11 SUPERYACHT RACING racing. Ranger (J5), Velsheda (J7) and the newly built Topaz (J8) kicked off the action on Thursday with a single windward-leeward race before joining three days of coastal racing that began for the other teams on Friday. THURSDAY – THE PERFECT GIFT: RANGER WINS THE KINGS HUNDRED GUINEA TROPHY While most of the 38-strong Bucket Regatta fleet was out practicing or enjoying a day off on the Wednesday the three J-Class yachts checked off the first of their four fleet races, starting their series a day earlier than the others. On a windward-leeward course (three times around), which proved to be particularly tricky and difficult to read, the crew of Ranger delivered the best possible present to their passionate owner on his birthday by winning the J-Class’s most 12 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 impossible BWA Yachting is your global yachting service provider operating in over 370 ports and marinas throughout the Mediterranean, Caribbean, and USA. packages through to handling bespoke concierge service requests and single port calls. We donâ€™t believe in impossible. We believe thereâ€™s always a way. A seamless yachting experience. T: +41 91 913 3240 E: [email protected] www.bwayachting.com YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 13 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 15 PREVIOUS SPREAD: INOUI ABOVE: RANGER, VELSHEDA AND TOPAZ RIGHT: WILD HORSES prestigious annual award, the Kings Hundred Guinea Trophy, massively impressive racing machines that sailed just beyond the which had been designated as the trophy for today’s victor. surf break. FRIDAY – A MOST REFRESHING START but today conceded to Velsheda, which made a bold tactical The most fabulous sailboat race in the Caribbean lived up to ‘inside’ move at Roches Rouges, which was in effect the first its billing on the Friday, the official Start of the event when windward mark of the course, four miles out from the start. She Ranger had already won the first race of its four-day series 38 yachts sailed counter clockwise around St Barths, its outer islands and rock cropping’s, marking the first of three scheduled pursuit races for five classes. A sixth class of three J-Class yachts also circumnavigated the island; however, theirs was a fleet rather than a staggered start. The J-Class and Femmes des Mers (Class C), Mademoiselles des Mers (Class D), and Elegantes des Mers (Class B) sailed the longest courses (between 24.7 and 26 miles), each of which included a newly introduced rounding mark situated well inside St Jean Bay where spectators at Nikki Beach, Eden Rock and La Plage could marvel at those 16 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 17 defended her lead all the way around to win by over a minute Perini Navi ketch Rosehearty were the respective winners in those over Ranger. classes, with Rosehearty’s finish proving one of the most exciting While the Sloop Ganesha and Freya won in Elegantes and Mademoiselles, respectively, Axia, which won its class here last of the day: Ohana was behind them by only two boat lengths at the finish line. year, was busy staking its first-day claim in Femmes. Axia started third in its class, taking a starboard approach at the buoy end of the line when others were choosing a port The two variations of the ‘Not So Wiggley Course’ proved to be approach. The gamble paid off for a lift near shore and by the as much fun as the name sounds, but actually quite the opposite time the team reached Roches Rouges, she had picked off Blue of what the name implies, as the fleets zig-zagged through small Too and the Huisman ketch Surama. Then in another move islands and groups of rocks to the northwest of St Barths. With that most others must have considered disadvantageous or the breeze a bit stronger than Thursdays and the sky just as blue, downright impossible, Axia carried her spinnaker from St Jean Bay the conditions made for some very satisfying and physical sailing to the next mark outside and then for six miles downwind to Ile for the 38 yachts. Fourchue for an even larger gain before dousing to take another six mile leg – this time upwind – back to the finish. 18 SATURDAY – NO BETTER DAY TO WIN The J-Class, Gazelles des Mers (Class A) and Elegantes des Mers (Class B) sailed the longer 28 mile version of the course Gazelles des Mers (Class A) sailed 24.7 miles on a course and in all three classes a different team from yesterday took over that took them around the outer rock formations of Roches Table the leader board. As such, Sunday’s final day of racing was to and the Groupers, while the Grandes Dames (Class E) sailed a be a close battle for a place on stage to receive a Chelsea Clock slightly shorter course (21 miles) that went as far as Ile Fourchue Award for class victory, and if lucky, the famous Bucket Trophy for at its farthest point north. The Vitters sloop Unfurled and the overall honours. YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 19 SUPERYACHT RACING ABOVE: FREYA In Elegantes, yesterday the Vitters sloop Ganesha won and the Perini Navi sloop P2 was second, but today the order inverted. Sunday’s final round of Bucket racing had several teams on The Royal Huisman sloop Wisp led for nearly the entire race, edge, knowing that they had just one race left to either make but P2 finally passed her at Roche Table. Ganesha passed her it or break it. The wind blew several knots stronger than it had shortly afterward and it quickly became a battle between P2 and on Saturday to reach a solid 18-20 knots by mid-morning when Ganesha fought until the last boat length. the participants started various versions of the Around the Island In Gazelles, Nilaya, which had finished third yesterday, (clockwise) Race. won today, leaving fourth for yesterday’s winner, the Vitters sloop After all was said and done, the crew of the Vitters sloop Unfurled. The two stood only one point apart now, with Nilaya Unfurled took the stage Sunday night to collect the Chelsea leading going into tomorrow’s final day and Visione, currently in Clock class trophy for winning in Gazelles des Mers (Class A) as third overall, sharing the same point score as Unfurled. well as the most prestigious prize that could be won by any of Ranger was back on top in the J-Class after rounding the the pursuit-class yachts that measured in at 30 m or longer: the Groupers within two boat lengths of Velsheda and then engaging actual bucket that is the famous Bucket Trophy for best overall in a tacking duel to pass her on the long backside windward leg. performance. This year the winner was determined by race Femmes des Mers (Class C), Mademoiselles des Mers organisers using newly published criteria, and suffice it to say, it (Class D) and Grandes Dames(Class E) sailed the shorter 24.4 did not go unnoticed that the action in Unfurled’s class was as miles version of the Not So Wiggley Course, with Axia, Freya and competitive as it gets. Rosehearty all winning for a second time to remain at the top of the scoreboard. 20 SUNDAY – A TERRIFIC PRIVILEGE COMES TO A CLOSE YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 For Sunday’s finale, Unfurled absolutely had to finish first, and did, to win its class overall, because its closest rivals Nilaya, C O ST I KYAN A CENTURY OF PRESERVING YOUR FINE RUGS AND TAPESTRIES PRIVATE CREW CLEANING INSTRUCTION Ã¯ &XVWRPL]HGFUHZWUDLQLQJWRWHDFKFUHZPHPEHUVZKDW WRGRZKHQDFFLGHQWVRFFXURQÄ†QHUXJVDQGXSKROVWHU\ Ã¯ &OHDQLQJWUDLQLQJFXVWRPL]HGWRWKHIDEULFVRQWKHYHVVHO Ã¯ 'LUHFW+RXUDFFHVVWRWKHWHFKQLFLDQVKHOSLQJJXLGH you through the process &OHDQLQJÄ†EHUSURWHFWLRQDQGLQVWDOODWLRQVDYDLODEOHJOREDOO\ (Please Inquire) MAINTAINING TRADITIONS SINCE 1886 AREA RUG CLEANING \| AREA RUG REPAIR \| ON-SITE CLEANING \| FIBER PROTECTION OF ALL FABRICS CUSTOM RUG PADDING \| UPHOLSTERY AND FURNITURE CLEANING INSTALLATION OF NEW CARPETING \| RECEIVE, INSPECT, DELIVER AND SPREAD CUTTING, SERGING AND BINDING \| BLOCKING, MEASURING, TEMPLATES AND STORAGE (561) 734-2888 [email protected] ZZZFRVWLN\DQÄ‡FRP CLARKE W. COSTIKYAN 4TH GENERATION \| COSTIKYAN FAMILY LY 6LQFHWKH&RVWLN\DQIDPLO\KDVEHHQKDQGFOHDQLQJYDOXDEOH3HUVLDQ2ULHQWDODQG(XURSHDQUXJVFDUSHWVDQGÄ†QH tapestries throughout the United States. We are one of the only families continuing these time honored cleaning methods in the YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER 21 same manner that was employed some 130 years ago when the cleaning and restoration of valuable fabrics was considered an art. ISSUE 31 SUPERYACHT RACING YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 SUPERYACHT RACING which had been leading on Saturday, and Visione, could also take home the Chelsea Clock if they won that race. Unfurled played LEFT: RANGER AND VELSHEDA catch-up all day, chasing down Nilaya and the Vitters sloop Inoui. The new Unfurled has the same owner, team and ‘heart’ as the old Unfurled, which had won its class here before but never the actual Bucket. At the awards presentation Unfurled’s owner/helmsman summed up superyacht sailors as a tight knit community both on and off the race course and called it a ‘terrific privilege to be involved.’ The Gazelles and Elegantes des Mers (Class B) both sailed 24.3 miles, and in Elegantes it was the Perini Navi sloop P2, with its new owner, that won to hold on to the lead it had established on Saturday and edge out second-place finisher, the Vitters sloop Ganesha, by one point in overall scoring. Sunday’s cliff hanger in the Grandes Dames des Mers (Class E) literally had the owner, crew and guests aboard the Perini Navi sloop Rosehearty collectively holding their breath, waiting to see if the Perini Navi sloop Seahawk, which was leading the fleet well in the distance ahead, could successfully fend off next-in-line Ohana at the finish. If it could, Rosehearty, which at the time was in fourth behind Perseus^3, would win the series. If it couldn’t, Ohana would replace the team at the top of the scoreboard. Rosehearty’s tack fitting on their head foil unfortunately broke under heavy load during the windy beat and the team were forced to furl away much of the jib and leave their fate in Seahawk’s hands. When Seahawk edged out Ohana by less than a boat length at the finish line, it made the numbers work and the Rosehearty team exhaled in relief before raising a final victory cheer. It was more straightforward in Femmes des Mers (Class C) and Mademoiselles des Mers (Class D), which sailed a shorter 22 mile course on Sunday and had not seen a lead change since day one. Axia posted three overall points over the Royal Huisman sloop Hyperion’s six in Femmes and Freya posted three to Windfall’s eight in Mademoiselles. The J-Class sailed a 23.9 mile course to see Velsheda prevail as both the race and overall J-Class winner. Ranger and Velsheda each counted two wins and two seconds to tie on final point score, but the tie breaker on count back went to Velsheda for winning the last race. >\|\| 2017 Event: 16 – 19 March Contact: www.bucketregattas.com Contact: Barby MacGowan www.mediapronewport.com YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 23 THE COOLEST TRIP IN THE WORLD FIDELIS HEADS SOUTH BY GUY FRAZER AILING THE MAGELLAN STRAIGHTS WEST TO EAST, riding in the spectacular Torres de Paines National Park. The deck navigation instructions are simple, keep right and clear of crew scout out a perfect marsh landing pad, one mile inshore the Argentine coast. SY Fidelis (British registered) sailed past from our remote uncharted kelp infested rocky anchorage near Ushuaia, side stepping this strategic port for Antarctic exploration. Rio Cascada. With a 50/50 chance of the chartered government The recent ruckus created by Jeremy Clarkson while driving a forestry helicopter making the 09.00 rendezvous, our guests and Falkland Island number plated car filming the (now defunct) crew wait anxiously in the freezing rain. The whir of a helicopter popular UK Top Gear TV programme was fresh in our minds, not reverberates around the cloud enshrouded granite walls as to mention the 1982 sinking of the HMS Sheffield by an exocet our chopper buzzes out of the mist, thumping down bang on missile. The discovery of offshore oil has brought the resource schedule. Guests away and anchor up, the next challenge is the curse into full effect. Around 1 bn barrels of oil, discovered in the 24 hour forecast for Punta Arenas indicating 100 knot winds. 1970s, are thought to be recoverable within an area no further A leaking cargo ship laden with coal lists heavily at anchor off than 200 nautical miles away from the Falkland Islands. Punta Arenas as we pass with emergency repairs in progress, confirming the hazards of navigation using century old charts 24 REELING AND RIDING IN PATAGONIA to thread through the narrow current and windswept remote Guests and two very happy crew depart by helicopter to camp channels often with limited visibility. Wrecked ships and Catholic overnight for some big trout river fishing and horse-back trail shrines are in abundance in the fjords giving an insight into past YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 disasters. The high wind forecast thankfully blew itself out on our Fidelis Antarctic exploration cruise is finally in motion. Weather arrival into Punta Arenas. In the town square, ropes tied to posts conditions improve as the Horn looms into our early morning are hand holds for the locals used when ferocious winds howl vision. Cape Horn and Drake Passage, nemesis to sailors past and through the straights. present lie directly ahead. Sails set Fidelis pushes ever onwards South, tip toeing through the den of dormant sleeping white THE MOST SOUTHERLY YACHT CLUB IN THE WORLD giants with a very favourable 25 to 30 knot breeze. High winds close Port Williams on arrival in Chile. SASYSS agent Tomas Miranda secures Fidelis last minute permission to go NASAL NAVIGATION alongside the Naval pier without a pilot to take fuel allowing The chunks of floating ice encountered while cruising the 1000 guests to stretch their legs and explore ashore. The gracious miles South from Port Montt to the Beagle channel were mere Royal Huisman SY Pumula sits tied snuggly astern as deck crew ice cubes in comparison to the frozen islands adrift and sighted quickly make fast lines in the wind driven rain. Fuel topped up, on arrival at Nelson Passage, the entrance to the Bransfield Strait. clearance in hand and guests back on board, lines are quickly With barometer high, seas calm and clear skies, the sun slips slipped and the bow pointed South. Due to complications fitting below the horizon like a whale sounding, slowly rising up again a fuel hose, a visit to Micavi Bar on the grounded ship Micavi that after a long dive. GPS, chart and radar are not required to locate serves as the worldâ€™s most Southern yacht club is postponed. The the Gentoo penguin colony as the aroma of guano guides us YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 25 FIDELIS HEADS SOUTH directly to Hannah Point, Livingston Island. With great care our Ice Pilot/Antarctica Observer Ashley Perrin leads a shore excursion viewing nesting birds without disturbance. THE TAIL THAT WAGS THE DOG The Antarctica Treaty System formulated in 1959 and signed by 53 nations in 1962 was created to regulate earth’s only continent without a native human population. It was designed to reduce human exploitation allowing only transparent peaceful activity and scientific research to be carried out. The agreement was also the first arms agreement established during the Cold War. Any activity in Antarctica is heavily regulated. The permit Fidelis obtained to explore these waters was a 271 page application 26 outlining every detail of the yacht, crew credentials, provisions, A RING OF FIRE auxiliary launch tenders, emergency supplies, medicines, Neptune’s Bellows marks the entrance to Deception Island, an contingency plans, anti-pollution and oil spill containment active caldera with a strong rotten egg sulphur smell confirming methods. Ashley, our intrepid British Antarctica Survey (BAS) entrance into one of Antarctica’s safest anchorages. One thin trained guide ensured boots were scrubbed with disinfectant prior layer of the earth’s crust is all that protects exposed skin from the to beach landings to reduce the risk of contaminating the local molten heat boiling up from the sea under the black sand beach wildlife, fragile marine eco system and extremely rare moss and off Pendulum cove where guests and crew soak in the thermal lichen. Strict ATS protocol was practiced at every site. Sled dogs, waters . Metres away sea water temperature hover a few degrees the principal means of transport in early Polar exploration are no above freezing. Exuberant Jurassic flatulence from mother nature longer permitted in Antarctica due to infestation of their fleas could be the difference between enjoying a relaxed steam bath infecting local seal populations. or becoming a steamed lobster. Penguins spa themselves nearby YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 27 FIDELIS HEADS SOUTH thankfully lays abandoned near a deserted base camp opposite the remains of an Argentine base buried by lava during recent undisturbed by our human presence. While scuba diving into the volcanic activity. The bustle of past seal and whaling activity is depths of the remote caldera, our brave guests and crew witness palatable in this remote outpost. During the middle of the last a variety of colourful underwater sea growth while on constant century whale oil was the worldâ€™s most precious commodity used guard to fend off the friendly but deadly leopard seals that inhabit to brighten city street lamps from London to Moscow, lubricating the area. the machinery of the industrial revolution and seriously depleting global whale populations. A FROZEN SCRAP YARD Whalers Bay, a museum type scrap yard reveals a collection of SLIP SLIDING AWAY rusting oil storage tanks and whale rendering machinery that On passage from Cuverville to Danko to land our guests YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 FIDELIS HEADS SOUTH on the Antarctic continent proper (Graham Land), two robust cruise ships are overtaken standing by discharging passengers in zodiacs as our bridge teams keeping watch for Zombies (icebergs) lurking at every turn of wind and tide. Our guests proudly summit after hiking up the snow ridge at Deville Glacier and are rewarded by an exhilarating glissade back to sea level. Back onboard the guests could watch humpback whales circling deep beneath the boat, blowing bubbles to entrap krill, then to emerge from the dark frigid depths, barnacled mouths wide open, splayed flukes splashing down for another ice cube dispenser. The days plan to venture further South to choreographed feeding folly. It is impossible to know what Peterman Island is shelved due to the ice blocking 90% of the direction to point the camera lens as dozens of humpbacks feed channel. With no squeezable route further South, two Minke in the krill infested waters. whales play alongside Fidelis as we thread our way back through the narrow gauntlet of shifting ice, exiting in the early morning CHUNK AFTER CHUNK hours, relaying by VHF to the nearby cruise ships the hazardous The sound of the hull scraping against ice increases as Fidelis ice conditions. The anchor splashes down in 45 metres of water crunches her way gently down the 11 mile maze of frozen off Dorian Bay, a welcome refuge following the continuous days Lemaire channel (AKA Kodak Gap) flanked by lofty frozen vertical of polar navigation, allowing guests to venture ashore to explore rock peaks ablating glacial ice. It was like navigating a colossal another large and odorous penguin colony. To the shore partyâ€™s YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 29 FIDELIS HEADS SOUTH disaster not just for humans, but also for whales whose lives were taken so that men could die. Between 1914 and 1917 over 175,000 whales were killed at South Georgia in the South Atlantic. In 1996 the historic base was made a museum and a post office was set set up and operated by the United Kingdom Antarctic Heritage Trust. It is a frozen smelly outpost without running water. Successful applicants that run the world’s most southerly post office are forewarned of the harsh realities of spending five months on a base the size of a football pitch. An alternate vibe resonates from the US manned Palmer Station where Fidelis visited the previous day to avoid inclement weather. The base sported an outdoor hot tub, WiFi internet, a large film library with a comfortable TV viewing lounge. In true British style Port Lockroy continues its spartan operation utilising the original prefabricated buildings transported and erected by SAS forces during the Second World War. surprise, two staff from Port Lockroy are encountered out on a day trek maintaining a nearby emergency shelter. SKETCHY CHARTS AND WATER SPURTS Shoe shoes are strapped on for another successful summit along 30 CLUBBING AND HOT TUBBING IN ANTARCTICA a steep snow ridge at Danko, with Gentoo marching alongside Discovered by the French in 1904 and utilised by whalers, Port following their pinkish krill stained guano trails leading up and down Lockroy remains the location where Winston Churchill executed the slope. Making way in the afternoon and arriving at Enterprise ‘Operation Tabarin’ (name reference to a Parisian night club) to Island, SUP’s and kayaks are launched in the brilliant sunshine to establish a British presence following alleged US government explore a half submerged whaling wreck, stuck fast in the rocks, non commitment to assist the Allies in safeguarding this remote another rusting reminder of the enterprising seal and whaling era. area. It was used to monitor Nazi infiltration following the On overnight passage to Gerlache Strait, SY Pumula illegal capture of several Norwegian whaling ships by German is picked up on the AIS heading South with iconic Antarctic warships seeking glycerin (key ingredient in the manufacture mountaineer and world class sailor Skip Novak on board as ice of explosives). As a subtle reminder WW1 was a monumental pilot. An attempt to land at Cierva Cove in the early morning YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 31 is thwarted by ice blocking the shoreline and the ever present waves drive Fidelis swiftly away from the Furious Fifties. Graceful aroma of guano. Heading further North, Fidelis hovers in Petrels and Albatross wheel solemnly millimetres above the foam uncharted waters while guests are entertained exploring between whipped troughs in the calm between the wind driven waves rocky outcrops blocked with ice, both falling over head and awash crashing astern. The giants are awake. At anchor in Port Stanley, in the melee of bath tub like passage ways. Our nine foot RIB with safe in the knowledge our guests arrived safely home from Terra a 15 hp OB is the perfect platform to zip between (and across) Incognito, Captain and crew relish in pride and relief with images submerged icebergs while dashing alongside vertical frozen rock of remote outposts, barren rock and ice infested channels, wind, cliffs. Think real life frozen water park amusement ride that waves, waterfalls, magnificent ice flows, whales, seals, sea birds neither Walt Disney nor Hollywood could recreate. and penguin frozen solid into memory. EAST MEETS WEST Maxwell Bay, King George Island, is home to Argentina, Brazil, Brian Carver - Co-Captain Chile, China, Ecuador, South Korea, Peru, Poland, Russia, Uruguay Joyln Sewell Brayton - Engineer and USA research stations. East and West occupied bases stare Rene Vogel - Chef (The Mozart of Food) across the wind swept frozen waters of the protected bay. Our Grant Keenan - Mate chartered King Air 300 touches down to collect our guests Catrin Norris - Ch. Stew within a good weather window to ensure safe passage back over Rene Nele Walters - Stew the notorious Drake Passage to Punta Arenas on schedule for Tessa Rivers - Stew connecting chartered flight to Santiago. Nino Watrelott - 2nd Engineer Rob Davies - Bosun ENGRAVED WITH LETTERS OF FIRE Ryan Adams - Deck No Antarctica voyage would be complete without allocate of Ashley Perrin - Ice Pilot Antarctica Observer praise to Polar pioneers such as Sir Edmund Hillary, Sir James Clark Tomas Miranda - Chilean Agent Ross, Nobu Shirase, Sir Edgeworth David, Richard Evelyn Bryd, Sir The owner and family of the yacht for allowing such a Robert Falcon Scott and the most famous Polar explorer of all wonderful adventure. time Roald Amundsen, who’s praise for Ernest Shackleton’s heroic actions in Antarctica would be ‘engraved with letters of fire’. Photos with thanks to Cpt. Guy Frazer and Cpt. Brian Carver Motor sailing with staysail set in 50 knot plus winds and high seas proves effective as the relentless march of mountainous 32 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 Contact Cpt. Guy Frazer: [email protected] >\|\| FIDELIS HEADS SOUTH POWER PACKAGE PIENING PROPELLER Konstruktion und Fertigung von kompletten Wellenanlagen mit Fest- oder Verstellpropellern ab 800 mm Ø specialist Plant for propellers and stern gears Otto Piening GmbH • Am Altendeich 83 • 25348 Glückstadt Tel.:: +49 Tel +49.4124.9168-0 4124 9168-0 • Fax: +49.4124.3716 +49 4124 3716 [email protected] · www.piening-propeller.de YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 33 concierge Innovative destination experts and event planners AG E NCY \| BROKER AG E \| C HA RT ER \| CON C I E R G E \| MA N AG E M E N T \| P R OV I S I O N S \| R E F I T & REPAIRS E- M AI L : CO N C IE R GE @ A 1YACHTING.COM \| TEL . +30.21 0.4587 1 00 WWW. A1 YACHTING.COM INTERVIEW BY COLIN SQ QUIRE MAN AT THE TOP MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER IKE BREWER, OFTEN REFERRED TO AS A LEGEND within our industry by those that know him, has travelled to my home town of Bungay to let me delve into his life history. He talks about his early setbacks in life, how he overcame these and then began a very rough and tough career at sea, a vocation that eventually took him to Greece and then on to become one of the world’s most knowledgeable and respected yacht agents. Mike, where and when were you born? I was born in Cape Town in 1947 when my dad was in the Royal Navy, based in Simon’s Town. He was transferred back to Chatham Navy Barracks when I was six months old and we You mentioned your dad sailed on the feted HMS Hood? moved back to England during the winter of 1948. He joined the Navy in 1935 and was de-mobbed in 1950, he was probably around 18 or 19 when he was on HMS Hood for about What was your father’s name? six months during the Spanish Civil war. Most of his time in the Harry Charles Brewer and my mum was Joan Hazel Cathleen Navy he spent hunting submarines on the HMS Shropshire, a Wright, she obviously became Brewer, she was third generation county class cruiser and the HMS Woodcock which was an anti- South African, originally from Irish decent and she married my submarine frigate. He was in the Walker group, which was set dad when he got back after the war. They had known each other up for hunting U-boats and he was given the DSM, if I am not for about five years and as soon as he returned from the war they mistaken, for an action where they sank two German submarines. were married. About one year and a bit later, I came along. Towards the end of the war he went out to the Far East and finished the war in Sri Lanka before transferring back to Simon’s ABOVE RIGHT: MIKE’S PARENTS Town. RIGHT: MIKE AT 3 YEARS OLD How long were you in Chatham for? Just over a year. I contracted polio shortly after my arrival in England and I was kept in a glass isolation box for six months. I came out of hospital when I was just over a year old. My dad was de-mobbed and the Doctor said it would be better for me to be in a warmer climate and we went back to Cape Town when I was about two and a half. We were all treated as immigrants, in spite of the fact that I had been born there. After arriving back mum went to work and dad found a job and we settled down and started our life there. What sort of job did he find? When he was in the Navy he was an Electric and Electronic Technician as well as a Radio Operator. Jobs at the time were difficult to get, luckily my mum’s uncle was very influential in municipal politics and was able to get him a job with the council and he worked there for about six months on the electrical side. Then he ended up working for the Otis Elevator Company as an Electrical Technician and he did that right up to his retirement at 65. How did the polio affect you? That is a long story....The polio affected my leg quite badly actually. It was from the left knee down and it retarded the 36 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS MAN AT THE TOP â€“ MIKE BREWER SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 37 MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER FAR RIGHT: SCHOOL DAYS RIGHT: POLIO WAS TOUGH FOR MIKE that was ever of any interest to me. Besides wanting to go to sea, I certainly had no interest in becoming anything or studying anything and I didn’t try very hard when I was at school and was glad to get out of it! I did have many very good friends though and they are still friends today. Then came the experience of leaving school and trying to find a means of living, which is where the fun started. I had wanted to go into the South African Navy, they obviously rejected me because of my foot. Then I wanted to go into the Merchant Navy as a Deck Officer, but was rejected from that. I certainly did not want to go into engineering as I growth of my left foot, resulting in my left foot being three sizes had no interest and definitely no ability either. I was accepted to smaller than my right foot which makes it nigh on impossible to go as an apprentice deck officer on a very modern 50 m fishing find a pair of shoes, even if you buy two pairs! It also destroyed trawler, which I enthusiastically accepted, against my mother’s some of the tendons in my foot so that it wouldn’t straighten wishes – she was quite horrified, she wanted me to go and work and I had to undergo a series of orthopaedic operations from the in the bank for the rest of my life. I took that job and that did not age of three that lasted for about 16 years. I seemed to end up work out at all well. in hospital every Christmas or during the June school holiday. I was in hospital for three weeks every year with my leg in plaster What happened? and stitches and everything else. It was most upsetting with Well each trip was two weeks, basically two days ashore and my left foot having an orthopaedic boot with irons which was two weeks away, I did it for about six months. First of all we pretty useless until I started playing sport. I was encouraged to sailed out of Cape Town harbour and I became violently sea sick play sport and once I started I found that I enjoyed it, it helped for a day and nearly died so that didn’t endear me to it much. my foot quite a lot. Things got a lot better after that, I became Then when I got used to that, I was doing bridge watches and I fanatical about sport and then I started to enjoy life, it was just was taught what to do and how to do it etc, then after about a the yearly operation that would bring me down. I was Captain of week or so into the first trip I was doing my own bridge watch the very first Western Provence School hockey side, I played first when there was a slight mishap off the Namibian coast and not division hockey and club cricket at senior league. Life was good, concentrating the way I should have been we lost the entire net but I did want to go to sea and that is when things changed a bit. which obviously the captain was not too pleased about, the only redeeming factor is that we did not lose the wires as they cost What do you remember about school? 38 more than the net did. Academic wise I was not very successful, to put it mildly, I had They demoted me to assistant deck hand after that no interest in school whatsoever and sport was the only thing mishap and that was rough, having to work with some of the YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER THE ULTIMATE TOY cruiser SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS ® YACHTING & THE YACHT OWNER 1.866.694.4776 \| 727.563.2003 \| St. Petersburg,MATTERS FL ISSUE 31 [email protected] \| freestyleslides.com 39 MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER BELOW RIGHT: SORTING OUT THE RADIO ROOM hardest fishing crew in the world, trust me. They were hard boys fish, poked the knife into it and felt around inside about 100 fish and to have a little white kid amongst them in those days in had gone past and everyone would be cursing me. I had to get out South Africa... The boson was a short well built fellow, very fair and of there as I was doing more harm than good and so I was sent very correct, but took no nonsense. He hit anybody that did the down the fish packing room to pack fish. After a day of working wrong thing at the best of times. One of my jobs was that when down in the ice room I decided that the fishing industry was the trawl came up with anything between five and 20 ton of fish definitely not in my best interest and I only had a couple more in it, an hydraulic door opened in the deck to what they called the months of it to go. Every trip when I came home my folks would stable, where they dropped the fish inside. This huge net would ask how it was doing, I had told them that I was going to be a swing over the door and my job was to pull the rope that opened fisherman and I was too embarrassed to tell them that I hated the net to drop all the fish down into the stable. Well I got it it and just couldn’t wait to get out of it. So I stayed on it, I was wrong once and half of it went back into the sea and the other promoted back on deck where I was a little more careful and soon half went all over the deck, to say that the bloke and everyone picked up a load of experience even though I got pushed around else was upset would put it mildly. He got so upset with me, I was a lot, which I don’t think did me any harm. bending over picking up fish, that he picked up this huge six foot My dad walks in after one trip and said that the Cape octopus and threw it at me and it flattened me onto the deck. Technical College were doing a course in marine electronics, The octopus crawled slowly all over me and over my head and which he thought I might want to try. I didn’t know anything out through the scuppers and back into the sea, that was when I about electricity and wasn’t interested in it. So my dad said ‘do decided I really did not want to be a fisherman anymore. you want to stay on that fishing boat, yes or no?’ I agreed to give it a go, anything to get off the boat and I joined this college two How did you react to that, it must have felt horrific? months in and had a lot of catching up to do which was really Absolutely, I cried, I was terrified, frustrated and everything else, difficult. My dad having been in the same industry helped me that was ‘Welcome to manhood the hard way’. My next job on every day after work, slowly pushing me through and I slowly board came after that, ‘you don’t seem to be too good on deck caught up with the other lads. I eventually finished college which either, have you ever used a gun?’ ‘Absolutely, I said.’ They gave I thoroughly enjoyed. me a shotgun and about 1000 rounds and every time the net Eventually I completed that and went to sea as an came up, which was about two times a day, I had to shoot the apprentice Radio Officer for six months for the highly respected sharks that got close. The sharks caused absolute havoc with the nets and the deck hands would have to repair them for hours before we could re-launch again. There I was shooting sharks from about 20 ft away, I shot and shot as there were thousands of sharks and I shot until I could not shoot anymore on one side and then changed to the other shoulder as I could shoot equally well from either. The net would then be re-launched and about eight hours later up it would come in again and I would shoot another 100 sharks, then the next day and the day after would be the same and by this time my shoulders were seriously hurting. I then made the fatal mistake, that anyone who has ever used a shotgun or rifle will know, that if you do not hold it very firmly into your shoulder you are going to get damaged, especially with a 12 gauge and I did, it kicked the hell out of me. It bruised my arm and shoulders and I went to the captain to complain and he said ‘what type of job are we going to give you now’. It was then that I was demoted to the fish room, the fish factory below decks. There were about seven or eight sailors in a row each side of the conveyor belt and as the fish came by they would grab them, slash them down the middle and pull the innards out and throw the fish back on the belt and the innards went on another conveyor belt and over the side. You had to be very fast, and the knives were very sharp, by the time I had got a 40 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER Safmarine Company. I was the second radio officer and I was I was given the job of taking a big steel box with the told by the Senior Radio Officer that my job explicitly on board vessel’s Wallport films ashore to the Seaman’s Club. They had was to sweep the radio room out every day and sharpen all the a wall to wall film storage room there where you changed the indelible pencils, they had no ball points. You were not allowed box and took a new set of movies back to the tanker. It was to use an ordinary pencil, there was carbon paper and everything quite a difficult job as to get a steel box off a tanker that has was sent off to the Government at the end of each trip, so no about four foot of gas on the deck, imagine if you drop the box, mistakes could be corrected. We did not have air conditioning in theory you would blow the ship up. I would return with these on ships in those days and when you went into the tropics your new big reels of film – we had a proper film projector on board hands sweated and you rubbed your forehead and ended up with and in the games room we had two film sessions a day. The lads a purple face each day. After about five months I was actually on board would open the box up and say ‘what a tosser, what is allowed to operate some of the equipment. I finished there and this rubbish you have brought back?’ We would be given one war worked on tankers after that. film, one cowboy, one romance, one sports and that was it. So BELOW LEFT: SPEAR FISHING they would say ‘use your imagination laddie, go ashore and get us You must have been to some pretty interesting places? some decent films’ so the next time I went ashore, when no one Well, the Med, the UK run, we did the South African coast, was looking I would swop the films around and get all the films Mozambique, then on tankers for a few months travelling that these lads had requested. between the Persian Gulf and Bombay, Mombasa, Australia, I had all sorts of funny experiences out there, but some Singapore and a few other places. That was eight months on and should just not be repeated. There was the parrot that I had four months off, with a good bunch of people and a very nice ship. bought in Mombasa when I was out with the boys on the town You did not really have much spare time on a tanker but, being one night and I got into desperate trouble as the next day we the RO I had a lot of time off which I spent doing shopping for realised that all it could do was make a mess and chew up everybody else because they couldn’t get off. The Persian Gulf everything like my curtains, eat my bunk and anything else. We wasn’t very interesting simply because everything was switched got to Australia and I declared this parrot and they called me and off, all antennas had to be put in the earth position and the main the parrot up to the captain’s cabin. There were two gentlemen, switches of all equipment were sealed, a driver of a car with no one in a suit and one in a white coat, the one in a suit made me car so to speak. fill out all kinds of papers and the one in the white coat took the parrot away. He made me sign a sworn declaration, where I had bought it, why I had bought it, what was its name and I said that it hadn’t got a name and the captain said ‘for god’s sake Brewer give the parrot a ruddy name’ so I said Peter the Parrot and he said it that Peter or Peter the Parrot so I said yes Peter the Parrot, I had to read through the form and sign it. Whilst I was doing it there was a noise and then another squeak and squawk and then silence. What they had got me to sign was a death certificate and they had wrung the parrot’s neck behind my back and put him in a box. That’s when I found out that Australians weren’t very liberal about bringing birds into their country. I then heard that a friend of mine from the Unicorn Shipping Company, which was basically a coasting company that did the West Coast of Africa on the log trade and the Indian Ocean Islands with general cargo had a vacancy coming up. My mate was a Radio Officer on the Indian Ocean Island run and he wanted to sign off in a month and a half and asked if I was interested in the job. I don’t think there was a crew member in the Southern Hemisphere that didn’t want to get on a vessel on that run. I applied for it, signed off the tanker and went and joined Unicorn. The post wasn’t open yet so I spent about six weeks on the South African coast on a very small ship which was very interesting to put it mildly and then joined the motor vessel SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 41 MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER RIGHT: CHRISTMAS DAY was a friend of mine and he was going deaf and was going to transfer out. I re-applied BELOW RIGHT: MIKE HOOKS DINNER FOR THE CREW and got transferred to the replacement vessel and the fun and games carried on. It was back to the Indian Ocean with diving and more parties and the good life. It all came to an abrupt end when we got a telegram staying ‘kindly confirm that the spare propeller is on board and exactly where it is’. Maritime language in those days was such that when that question was asked you were 99% sure that the vessel was going to be sold, this put us all in panic mode. We arrived in Durban and three men came on board in suits speaking a funny language. They walked around talking in English and Bastion. I probably then had two and a half of the best years of then spoke to each other in their language and we were told they my life. We did Cape Town to East London and then Reunion were Greeks inspecting the vessel with a view to buying in. They Island. Reunion to Mauritius, Madagascar, Comoros, Seychelles, worked their way around the vessel and came up to the radio Mozambique, Durban and back to Cape Town. I would stay in room and asked if the equipment was any good. In actual fact the Cape Town for about two weeks and have all my washing done equipment was ancient rubbish and but with me representing the by my mum and then I was ready to go again. best interests of my company I said ‘absolutely, this is all singing, They were very backward places but very nice. Things were all dancing, equipment’. Then they asked for and received the very basic, no tourists around, except in Mauritius but there were ok to do a trial trip with the vessel for three days down to Cape not many there, as they had only finished the airport a few years Town. One was a superintendent engineer and the other two before I was there. I did an enormous amount of diving whilst were the potential owners. We proceeded down to Cape Town I was there, I made friends with local divers and we used to go where they confirmed that they would purchase the vessel and diving every single day that I had off. I did all kinds of diving, it then they approached me and asked if I would be prepared to was what we take for granted today, but it was all very new in work for them. those days. Mozambique was lovely, it was long before they got their independence and you could live the life of Riley. Now the Greek Merchant Navy in the very late 60s and the early 70s had the worst name in the maritime industry as it was associated with many flags of convenience. The actual Were you allowed to go onshore and party? Greek flagged vessels were not so bad but a lot of the ones on a Yes, absolutely you could do what you liked, you would be there foreign flag with Greek management or ownership had a very bad for about four or five days at a time. Then a very unfortunate incident happened – we got caught smuggling, not myself, but a certain senior member of the crew was smuggling routinely to Mauritius and got caught by the authorities. He had about 25 crates of whisky and 30 boxes of cigarettes on board and an horrific fine was placed on this individual and we were in disgrace when we got back to Durban, we had let the company down and the vessel was taken off foreign and put on coastal articles and that was the end of us doing the Islands of the Indian Ocean. The vessel that replaced us, by some miraculous chance, had a Radio Officer on board that 42 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER To new horizons in the Mediterranean… With 4 countries, 3 seas and 11 marinas. SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 43 Photographer:8VcYVõ6gåc n o z i r o h r u o y n i d r n a a p M x E iw t h D- MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER name. It was literally the worst thing you could say to someone, ‘Radio Medico’ which was based in Rome at the time, it was the to ask them to work on a Greek ship. When I was asked this I international medical centre and if any ship needed a Doctor, said ‘absolutely no, but thanks’ and they asked how much I was you could ring 24 hours a day for help. You had a standard ships earning and they offered me twice the money tax free. I went medical manual on board, that could be referred to and you had home and told my dad about it and he said ‘son you have been the standard ships medical kit which was a huge wooden box with at sea for five years, how much money do you have in the bank?’ many numbered drawers. They said that I was the only person I said not much and he said ‘how much’ and I told him that I had on board that could understand the book so I had to do it. I told nothing so he said ‘are you proud of yourself’ and I said ‘no, but them I would try and that was about all. I have had a good time’ so he said ‘that’s got to stop sometime We left Venezuela and we had a new chef’s assistant, a and you need to start making a living’. He basically told me to young kid of about 17, we got to Costa Rica and he came up take it, so I took the job and it was a cultural change that I cannot and said ‘Sir, I have some disease in my parts down there’, so I quite describe, it was quite shocking, everything different to what opened the ships manual and said ‘argh yes, classical symptoms I had been used to in every single possible way, the food, culture, of gonorrhoea, I will speak to the agent and see if we can get you language, habits and the mythology of the job too. into hospital’, the agent wasn’t available and by the next day I had 11 crew come up with the same problem. I couldn’t believe 44 this, the entire crew barring the officers. We went down to the All the officers were Greek, the Zulu crew that we had at the time hospital with the whole lot. It was my job to go with them. The stayed on board as they were offered really good wages and they agent is talking to the doctor and the doctor has taken one look were excellent at their jobs. The trouble was that the Greeks did at this lot and says we need someone Spanish, I only understand not really understand the Zulus and there was a conflict there, you English, so a middle aged nurse comes along and she doesn’t had to treat these people with respect and correctness and they understand a word of English and the doctor tells me to go with would do anything for you. The Greeks did not do that and upset her. I follow her down the passage and she taps on the shutter in them quite a lot. We sailed to Lourenço Marques and we had a the wall and it opens up, it is the pharmacy, she is chatting away one month trip from there to Venezuela. The captain announced and then signals me to follow her into a ward with several men in that we could put in orders for bonded stores, I ordered 30 crates it. She then gets one of these kidney shaped bowls and a couple of beer and I was nearly fired on the spot. Amongst themselves of bottles, she was also holding a very big heavy glass syringe. She they had decided I was probably an alcoholic and they did not goes up to the first bloke and tells him to turnover, he says no want to employ an alcoholic, they wanted to chuck me off but when he sees the syringe but then turns over after a swift short couldn’t find a replacement and kept me on board. The trouble reply from the nurse. She says watch and shows me where to give was that when I went to sea I had no one to drink with as all my the injection, she slaps him and he tenses, then when he relaxed mates had gone and the Greeks were not drinkers. I would walk she gives him the injection. She then knocks on the shutter again around the vessel asking if anyone fancied a beer, my 30 crates and gets two big plastic bags full of stuff. She hands it to me lasted me about five months instead of one. and off I go back to the vessel with the crew and two bags of We got to Venezuela, we were carrying rolls of paper, syringes and penicillin. First was the Venezuelan boy ‘right I need each roll weighing about eight tons and about six foot wide, to give you an injection’ he looks at me and says ‘sir your hand is when the gyro compass packed up. This was a serious problem shaking, why don’t you go for a drink and I will come back in an and the captain asked if I knew anything about gyros. I didn’t hour’ so I did, and he came back to try again and I gave him the know very much but I offered to have a go at repairing it. We injection, it was as easy as eating a piece of cake. I called the rest ran 40 ft of paper across the bridge, took the top of the gyro of the crew up, the first one was the boson, about 6 ft 7 in tall off and drew around it with a pencil and lifted it up and wrote and very well built and also slightly worried as he knew I wasn’t Number 1, carrying on until we had totally dismantled the gyro the official doctor. I told him to bend down, I slapped him and and found the fault, then putting it back together we started when he relaxed I tried inserting the needle, which unfortunately at 173 and re-assembled. The gyro worked and the Greeks bounced off, he shouted out in pain, I try again, this time it goes absolutely forgave me for my crates of beer, in fact I was given in, he is screaming and shouting. I made a mistake though as with better beer after that. ‘Have some more Mr Mike’ and my penicillin you have to push the plunger gently and I pushed it too relationship with them got better and better and then they asked fast which made it burn and hurt. The needle detached itself from me to be the ship’s doctor. the syringe and he pulled his pants up not realising this and was ‘If anybody shows me an injection needle I faint so I running about screaming. When I looked up at the port hole there can’t be the ship’s doctor’, I told them and they said there was were all these eyes watching, but by the time I opened the door YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER The Reﬁt & Repair Shipyard in the Med AN INTEGRATED REFIT SHIPYARD 4 Slipways with a max haulout capacity of 1700 tn. Outﬁtting quays for vessels of up to 119 m. 3 Cranes for 25, 10 and 3 tn. ALSO WITHIN STP Full management team. Workshops + ofﬁces. 700tn. travel lift. Follow us at: Quality has been our driving force for more than 30 years Contact for enquiries: [email protected] www.astillerosdemallorca.com YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 45 MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER they had all run away. Three days later I eventually finished the Did you have a set to with the 2nd officer? rest of the crew and that was my first and last medical experience. No, but I did have a problem on a cargo ship a couple of years I did lots of funny jobs that I had never done before; they before where my cabin steward took the shirt my girlfriend had made me steer in and out of every harbour as I could understand given me. He stole the shirt out of my cabin, it was brand new the pilot and the steering language. You get pretty good at that and in its packet, the only person that could have had keys to after a while. For example going up the Mississippi I would be my cabin was the steward and I reported it to the captain. He eight hours at the wheel. Another one of my jobs was when we ordered the officers to search the crew accommodation and mess went deep sea and I would do the eight to 12 watch in place of and they found it but not on the person so they couldn’t prove the captain, if I saw anything I would give him a shout and he anything. Later that day I was threatened by the steward who said would come up to the bridge. In mid passage across the Atlantic that he would find out where I and my mother and father lived I used to put positions on the chart at 10 o’clock and midnight and settle up with me. I went ashore at night and stood behind a and they couldn’t understand how I could do that as I didn’t know warehouse and when he came by I hit him around the head with anything about taking star sights. This went on for about a month a bit of 4 by 4 and did a few other things and that was the end of and they were getting seriously upset with me as they couldn’t that, no one helped him and the story finished. find out how the hell I was doing it, as there was no GPS in those days and all the other navigational systems did not work in the Nobody liked him? middle of the Ocean. All I did was, when I saw a ship coming Even though other crew watched me they knew that I was right close, I would flash him with an aldiss lamp and ask him to come and he was wrong and they just stayed out of it. The whole point up on VHF and I would say to him ‘I am just the apprentice on was to show the bloke that he couldn’t threaten me. board and would someone give me an accurate position please’ and I would put it on the course line. If I didn’t have a ship How did you end up on the Greek ship? coming down I would call up two other ships on the Morse key I earned good money with the Greeks but I couldn’t spend it, they and I would hold the key down and they would take a bearing of didn’t have the same interest when we went ashore. I did have a me with their DF and give me the reference bearing and I would serious complaint though about my life style because we left the just cross section it, but I never told them what I was doing. They Caribbean and west coast of South and Central America where we couldn’t figure it out. had been for eight or nine months and went up to Romania and I was generally well looked after by the Greeks when Algeria and then we started trading Algeria and the West Coast of I worked for them. They pulled several tricks on me as when I Africa and that was not nice, I did that for a couple of years and was learning the language they would tell me the wrong words, didn’t enjoy it at all. We spent three and a half months anchored I used to write the words down every day and I religiously at sea off the Bonny River in Nigeria, with pirates raiding the studied this every night. One night I heard the captain shout ships. We had no fresh food on board, we had to catch it. When out for the 2nd mate and I heard the word ‘horiste’ from the the vessel got back to Europe I signed off in Marseilles and I was 2nd mate. I went to see him with my little book and a pencil about one third less in weight than normal. I arrived back in and said what does that mean and he said that’s only when Greece and got married about one month later. the captain is speaking to the 2nd officer, so I said ‘when 46 he is speaking to the Radio Officer what do I say’ so he told me How did you meet your wife? another word. I wrote this new word down in my little book When I worked for the Greeks I had to fly to Athens to the and practiced it and about three days later the Captain shouts company offices where I stayed a couple of hours signing Marconi (that’s what he would shout for the Radio Officer). I got contracts and discussing things and it was there that I was served my book out and shouted out ‘Kfla’, I would not dare mention a cup of coffee by my wife to be, Zafiria, who spoke to me in his reply to me, but needless to say it was not very nice, following English, which was most impressive because at that time in that he came steaming up the stairs, red face asking why I spoke Greece hardly anyone spoke English. It was a pleasant surprise and to him like that and asked me where I got that word from. I she was an absolutely gorgeous girl, but I had to join the vessel explained that the 2nd officer had told me that was the word I in Varna, Bulgaria. I was talking to the captain on the bridge one should use to respond to the captain. He went straight into the day and I told him about the gorgeous girl in the office and he bridge and strangled the 2nd officer. That put me on my guard promptly writes a letter and tells her I was madly in love with her and made me very nervous and I didn’t trust anyone after that, and wanted her to write to me. She did and that’s where it all it was very unfortunate and I told them that I would leave at the started. I arrived back a year later and went to court her and met end of the contract. the family but none of them could speak English. The chap that YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER THE PROFESSIONAL YACHT SUPPORT COMPANY FOR SUPERYACHTS VISITING TURKEY, MONTENEGRO & CROATIA, CONTACT US [email protected] TEL: +90 541 233 06 24 [email protected] TEL: +382 68 00 39 31 [email protected] TEL: +382 68 00 39 31 ASSISTANCE WITH PORT AUTHORITIES • BERTH BOOKING • PROVISIONING ITINERARY ASSISTANCE • 24/7 CONCIERGE SERVICE • TENDERS & TOYS RENTAL Yachting AnD Concierge is very excited to annnounce our company expansion into one of the fastest growing yachting destinations in the Mediterranean. Thanks to our loyal clients, who have been seeking our same friendly and dependable service and honest approach to business in the Adriatic Sea, has led us to open our ﬁrst ofﬁce in Tivat, Montenegro. The local knowledge of our highly trained and experienced agents in the Adriatic Sea, combined with seagoing experience, warrants that all your cruising needs in Montenegro and Croatia will be fulﬁlled to your highest expectations. SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 47 MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER RIGHT: MIKE AND ZAFIRIA worked in the office was English, Harry Wellman, and he spoke fascinating job. You sat there with a stop watch and a notebook excellent Greek so he did all the translation and introductions and and you just made things work and calculated how long it took. really helped the situation. They seemed to accept me and time The machine hardly ever stopped. It taught me a lot about work passed and one day I am sitting with her father and a translator and how money was made. and he asked how much was an air ticket to go back to England. I did that for about a year and then I had had enough I said that I hadn’t a clue and that I wasn’t English but South and needed to be at sea again. I wrote to the Greeks and they African. He was not a travelled man and when he heard the word said that they had a job for me. I was still writing to my wife Africa this was enough for him ‘you are going to try and take my to be then, I just used another line of attack this time. I went only daughter and go and live in a tree hut in Africa... you can through her cousin who was a highly educated chap and he forget about it, you are not going, as a matter of fact I don’t think agreed to help me and I flew over and secretly saw her for about I want you near my daughter again’ so the next morning I was on a week and then went to sea for another 14 months to make the next plane back to South Africa. It was a big disaster as I really some money. The cousin worked on her father for 14 months, was seriously in love. persuading him that I wasn’t such a bad bloke, I came from a Anyway I got back to South Africa, I got into one of the good family, so I was allowed to visit when I came back. I was most interesting jobs that I had ever done in my life. My cousin accepted and then I went back to sea to make more money. That owned the second biggest earth moving company in the country was in about 1977. I then came back to Europe signed off and and I did a three month foreman apprenticeship in earthworks went back to Greece and got married. All my family came over and then I got a site foreman’s job on a road that was being from South Africa, they enjoyed it thoroughly and I was starting built along the west coast using very heavy machinery. Time a new life in a country where I couldn’t really understand too and motion, time and money was explained to me with graphs, much of the language. I was very lucky that I got a job almost you had to move so much soil per day from here to there. If you straight away as the Technical Manager of a marine electronics meet the requirements you keep your job, if you move more company that did the service requirements for merchant vessels, soil you keep your commission. It was all explained and it was a communication and bridge equipment. I did that for eight years, YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER that job I didn’t like at all, it was very hard, you would go out to a family experiences, they left, I finished the job. I went back to vessel and come back three days later, you never knew if you had Greece and had lost all of my customers and that was the worst the right spare part with you, I would be flown all over the place experience of my life, I was then unemployed for three months. BELOW: MIKE AND ZAFIRIA ON THEIR WEDDING DAY under the most extenuating circumstances, it was a terrible job. After eight years, during which I had started my own company, You mentioned you had a bad experience in Poland?. I was asked to go and do an installation on a 35 m yacht in Yes, this was while I was on the Greek ship, I got on the wrong London for a friend of mine. side of the law. It was in Gydinia and the laws were very strict under the Communist Regime. You made a full customs You started a company? declaration on arrival and you were not allowed to take any Yes, I had started a company and had a customer base of about currency ashore. You had to be supplied through the agent with 28 vessels, I had a Greek partner in the beginning but he left as Polish money which was Zloty, but if you could change money he got a job with the Government. I managed to persuade my ashore you would get 10 x the rate, so it was in everybody’s clients that I could be away for five weeks to complete a job in interest to try and smuggle money. What we would do is to take a England and they agreed to that and I went away to do this job couple of hundred in Polish money from the Agent and go ashore which started at the Queen’s berth on the Thames. We ended with half the amount and come back and say here are my shoes up in Poole taking the boat out of the water and completing the I have just bought and that is what is left of my Polish money. installation there. The five weeks turned to five and a half months, I went ashore with my friend the electrician one night, I was I was well paid, my wife and young daughter, Joanne, were flown wearing my turtle neck jersey as it was very cold and I had put over for Christmas, everyone had a great time, it was one of our $100 under the turnover on the jersey collar. We were stopped at the gate and taken up to the customs office for searching. They only picked on the electrician and searched him everywhere. They let us go and by this time I was shaking with fear, we went out to a series of clubs in the hills which were fantastic and I became riotously drunk on vodka that cost next to nothing. The electrician fancied all the girls that were there and I fancied the vodka, I ended up staggering back to a taxi at around midnight telling him where I needed to go and then promptly fell asleep. The next thing I knew the taxi stopped, the door was pulled open and I was pulled out, there was thick mist and I could not see anything, plus heavy snow on the pavement. I kicked the bloke who was holding me right between the legs and ran off as fast as I could considering the condition I was in. Somebody stuck their foot out and I tripped over and three men jumped on me. Unfortunately for me the bloke I had kicked was a policeman, for some reason the taxi had taken me to the police station. I was dragged into the charge room, slapped about a bit, chucked into a cell and then taken back into the charge room and told I could sign a paper and go. I refused SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 49 MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER to sign it as it was in Polish and they slapped me around a bit pub with expat British people, a Superintendent engineer, charter more and threw me back into the cell. They then dragged me brokers, etc. I met this distinguished looking English man called out of the cell into the courtyard, there were huge basins there Roger Stafford, he was about 11 years older than me and seemed full of water, each with a thin layer of ice on the top. ‘You like a very nice person, he was in the yachting industry. He said that Polish vodka’ I said it was excellent stuff, with this they grabbed his secretary had just left him and gone back to New Zealand me by my hair and dunked me under the water, then said ‘You and asked me if I knew of a lady that was looking for a job as like Polish vodka’ I said I did and I was dunked again, I still refused a secretary. I explained that I was on the bones of my bum and to sign the paper and was put back in the cell and the whole was desperate to be considered for the job and he said, although procedure was repeated through the night. Each time the paper it was slightly unusual, that he would give me a try. I explained was changing colour, first white, then yellow, then blue, with I knew nothing about yachting. The hours were only nine to one different wording. They lost their temper and beat me up and and I started happy to have some money in my pocket again threw me out of the police station where I landed in a heap on and that was when the good Lord was looking down on me to the snow. A taxi came to a screeching halt right in front of me. put it mildly. Two blokes jumped out, I explained the story. They took me to It started the 2nd phase of my life and was my my gate, only to be stopped by the customs officer, I was covered introduction into the yachting industry. I would sit behind the in blood and bruises and he made me stand against the wall and desk not having a clue what to do, he would say type this letter lifted the $100 from under my turtle neck. I said ‘if you keep that, up, do a customs manifest, charter agreement etc. It all started can I go?’ I got back to the ship and the Owner and captain were slowly, he was a fantastic bloke with the patience of a saint, he standing at the top of the gang plank, they took one look at me would explain everything and we got on like a house on fire. In and said ‘right let’s call the agent and get you down to the police the winter he would come into the office with a bottle of brandy station to make a statement’, I told them it was the police that and at 1 o’clock he would say ‘right let’s have a drink’ its freezing had beaten me up! outside and in the summer time he would bring cold beer and do the same thing. Whilst I was writing out all of these invoices for Going back to your career, you had lost your business? his customers, I kept noticing there were all kinds of repairs being Yes, I was three months without a job, married with a new wife done, echo sounders, radars, SSB, VHFs etc etc. I told him that I and a five year old daughter. It was the worst experience of my used to do that and asked if I could do the repairs. He was happy life, it would be for any man with a family. Then I was sitting in a and just asked that I added 15% on what I charged him and to RIGHT: MIKE AND HIS DAUGHTER JOANNE 50 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER Calming Inﬂuence Yacht Management by Hill Robinson New Construction and Project Management Technical Support and Refits Crew Selection and management 24/7 operational support Financial Administration Charter and sales Management Crew employment and Payroll vat structure and Corporate Services* Provided by Hill Robinson Limited, licensed by the Isle of Man Financial Services Authority. LIMASSOL, CYPRUS www.hillrobinson.com www.hrcrew.com YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER 51 ISSUE 31 [email protected] MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER RIGHT: MIKE AND ROGER called George Zaimis who had sailed with the King of Greece in the Rome Olympics in BELOW RIGHT: MARK DAVIES 1960 and had won. George had a company called Sea Trade, his nephew Andreas Polemis had just come out of college, he had been a professional basketball player and George had said let’s buy Roger Stafford’s business. Basically they bought in and bought me along with it. I picked up my bag trundled down the hill into the Sea Trade office and was given a desk and started with them. Roger had taught me a lot, I had been doing repairs on GRP boats, rigging, carpentry, sail repairs, the things I didn’t have a clue about I learned. He taught me not to park an aluminium boat alongside a coppered sheath go ahead. I was writing the quotations, doing the repairs and bottom, lots of things. If you don’t know the small yacht side of writing the account afterwards, suddenly I had a huge amount it you do not know the yachting business. The big yachts for me of repair work. were easier. I had 11 years of training with Roger. At Sea Trade He ran a guardianage business, with about 28 boats, we got into the Agency business. People would come to us when mostly sail boats, customers he had had for many years, this was yachts started to get to the 30 m mark and they had arrived in before Greece entered the EU and we didn’t have the luxury of the country and needed assistance. They wanted an Agent, we European products. We had Retsina wine in Greece, which was didn’t really know what an agent was, we were doing things like bad by my standards, you couldn’t get Marmite, back bacon and going to the supermarket, ordering flowers, arranging doctor’s all the other luxuries that we now take for granted. We used to appointments, we just did what was asked of us. get them all from the truck drivers or the boats. When Roger’s clients used to come out to take delivery of their boat they would bring a couple of bottles of wine from wherever they came from and we built up quite a large collection of good wine. I was doing my job in the morning and repairs in the afternoon. Roger and I had built a complete workshop in the kitchen, he would take the equipment off, bring it up to the office and I would repair it. It worked exceptionally well. In the meantime I was doing the odd merchant ship here and there. I then worked as a consultant for a Greek company called Intermarine Electronics, who built one of the first GMDSS consoles. They built it in conjunction with an English company called ICS who made the modems and did the their approvals and we did the consoles and fitted all the equipment etc. I was involved in the type approval of a computer that went into it. No computer had ever been marine type approved before. This was 52 going to be a first, it took me over a year, with myself and the You got to meet some very influential people in our industry? managing director of the company flying to England and Holland Definitely the better known. Yes, there was Ben Marshall from Red to visit the various test laboratories, a very interesting job and all Dragon days, Richard Kirby from Mayan Queen, Mark Davies who this while working for Roger. is now the Fleet Manager at Hill Robinson and many many others. I was pretty busy, earning good money and life was sweet. There was an incident when I had been working for Roger I didn’t have to fly around doing vessel repairs, I had a normal for about one and a half years and a very smartly dressed young home life with a lovely family. My boss Roger decided he was lad comes down the Quay, blond hair, blue eyes, South African, going to sell the company, he got a buyer, a famous yachtsman speaking more in an English accent than South African. He asked if YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER LEFT: RICHARD MASTERS FAR LEFT: BEN MARSHALL we had any day work for him, I looked and though he didn’t look Roger died last year. like day work material, he looked more of a mummy’s boy, I didn’t Unfortunately Roger passed away in April 2015 after a bad illness. think he was up to a good hard day’s work. I asked him to come He retired when he was about 60, he had lung cancer and had one back the next morning and I took him on a 35 ft GRP sail boat, lung completely removed. He had something similar to a stroke we lifted up all the floor boards and I showed him the inches thick that affected his nervous system and his body just stopped working, cement ballast that ran from stem to stern. I gave him a chisel he died in a very unpleasant way. It was very sad, he was like a big and hammer and asked him to remove it all without damaging brother and best friend to me. My family and I are very thankful to the boat and to bag it up and take it on deck for it to be cleared him for giving me the break in life that I very much needed. away. It must have been about 35 degrees outside, I hate to think what it was inside. It was the most horrible job you could have How did Sea Trade go for you? given anybody. He spent about two days doing it. Every time he I ran the agency side of it and still did a few repairs here and looked at me there was loathing in his eyes and that young lad there, but I was 48 and my eyes started to deteriorate and you was Richard Masters from Master Yachts. He launched and is now cannot do repairs on printed circuit boards unless you have very running a company managing and building yachts of 100 metres good eyes or use a magnifying glass. I realised it was the end plus, he is right at the top of the industry and I take my hat off to of road for that in my life. Then I started expanding the agency him. I like to think I helped him along the way in the beginning. He business in Sea Trade, I used all the captains I knew, they gave has never lost the opportunity of telling whoever wants to listen me good references and recommended me to more people and that I gave him his first and worst job in yachting. He is a dear more business came in. Andreas got me an assistant in the office friend and I feel proud that he has made such a success of himself. to help, the business started to expand and it went well, I found more customers and made more friends. How do you remember Ben Marshall? Then in 2000 Makis and Rosemary Pavlatou in Rhodes, Ben Marshall was a flotilla leader, he then got a job on a 20 m who had a company called Yacht Agency Rhodes, approached Jongert owned by a Greek millionaire’s daughter. Later on he Andreas and said why don’t we join our two companies together went onto Naos and he became very well known, then to Red as, even though we had worked together, we were in opposition Dragon. Not only very well-known but a popular, respected and to each other. Why don’t we make a new company called A1 much loved man in the industry. Roger went back further with Yachting. There was a lot of talk about it and then the American him than I did, but I have certainly known Ben close to 27 years. owned yacht Battered Bull ran aground north of Santorini. She SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 53 MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER RIGHT: MAKIS PAVLATOS AND ROSEMARY PAVLATOU was severely damaged and was towed off by a tug boat to a repair What caused her to run aground, there must have been yard in Piraeus, taken out the water and very large repairs were an investigation? carried out over a five month period. There was, it appears someone had changed course and it was UPSCALE MARINA AMENITIES WHERE THE RIVER MEETS THE BAY - 24-hour staff and security - 20-/50-/100- amp service (single and three phase) - 480 volt 200- amp power - Restaurant and spa docking - Yacht catering - No bridges to ocean - Valet parking - Transient, short term and long term docking - Wireless internet capabilities - Crew parking on site 25º 46' 13" N 80º 11' 17" W A PORT TO CALL HOME www.epicmarina.com EPIC IS TRULY THE ULTIMATE LUXURY DESTINATION Located in Downtown Miami, where Biscayne Bay meets the Miami River. EPIC Marina offers direct dockside access and 900 linear feet of full service, deep water slips accommodating yachts over 300 feet. Featuring dining at Area 31 and ZUMA restaurants, plus access to EXHALE spa + fitness 54 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS ISSUE 31 Way \| Miami, Florida 33131 T 305 400 7489 \| VHF Channel 16 \| [email protected] \| 250 Biscayne Boulevard MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER very unfortunate as this area is known to have extremely deep us basically to serve our customers anywhere in the country and water but that bit was shallow. It caused a lot of damage to the at any given time. vessel, most of the bottom plating had to be removed, shafts replaced, propellers replaced and we did the job together with A1 is a mixture of agency and charter? Yacht Agency Rhodes. The synergy that evolved from that job was There is the Athens office and Rhodes office, Rhodes handles the basically what led to the founding of A1 Yachting. majority of the accounts, they have the charter department with 16 years later and we have quadrupled our employees. Rosemary managing it, they have a ship chandlery business too. Makis Pavlatos was heavily focused on modernising the company In Athens we have a very small part of the charter market as it is in every way he could, he introduced intranet and computerised mostly handled by the Rhodes office, we have a brokerage office, systems, a marketing plan was put into action, things that were an in house provisioning department, we also have an in house never done before. Customers would just come to us, we never technical department. We took on the management of a 74 m really advertised. We broadened our horizons and started opening Nobiskrug built boat, about four years ago. offices throughout Greece, we went into partnership with Stefano Tositti and JLT in Venice. We then opened offices in Montenegro, What is your main role now? Croatia and Turkey, those offices were called A1/JLT, JLT in Venice Agency manager, I have a very competent staff so it’s mainly remained JLT, A1 in Greece remained A1, but the offices where problem solving. we had gone into partnership remained A1/JLT and included the Luise Group. After that there was a discrepancy over the two If someone turns up in Greece on a large yacht are they duty names and it was decided to rename the company and start bound to take an agent? afresh, we started with our official headquarters in Lugano and If they are commercial and over 24 m then they are under Greek started to move the whole operation three levels up and hence law, if they are private they can do what they like, but generally BWA was formed. BWA has expanded and opened up offices all they always use one just to handle the bureaucracy side of over the world and are still expanding. We maintained A1 as it things, even for us it is a nightmare, there are all sorts of laws, was and have just multiplied our offices around Greece to enable it is a complicated issue. We now have a dedicated concierge Our reputation is reflected in the quality of our work Yacht Coating Solutions has come a long way in a short time. We have built our reputation on our willingness to offer the very best service that money can buy. We like to think our work is a reflection of that ethos. [email protected] +34 608 531 898 • +34 971 237 006 www.yachtcoatingsolutions.com PORT ADRIANO • STP • MALLORCA SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 55 MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER RIGHT: MIKE, THE PROUD DAD, WITH DAUGHTER JOANNE ON HER GRADUATION DAY go to the Aegean and carry on to Turkey because they could get duty free fuel there besides visiting Turkey itself, which is absolutely beautiful, people were very happy there. It is sad when you see what Greece and Turkey have to offer, it’s a yachtsman’s paradise. It is a magnificent cruising ground, south of Turkey and the West Coast of Turkey are amazing, it is a great sailing area and they are very protective of their seas, they are spotless, it is a crying shame that they have the problems they have. Like anything, historically, it has to come to an end, we will probably department with three people. Concierge was always a real look back in a few years and see it as a bad time. It could be next problem for me because captains would phone up wanting an season or in 10 years from now, this is the problem, personally I Athens tour or kids taken to play-grounds, I have no knowledge of would feel as safe sailing on the Turkish coast as I would walking this so we set up a this special department, it is a roaring success. down a street in a large European city, there is a big political game A daily example of where foreign yachts have problems in Greece being played and nobody knows how long that can last for. is with the signing on and off of Non EU crew, this is a complex area and should always be handled by an agent. Have you had many serious incidents with yachts cruising here? All kinds of things have happened, every problem a boat has in Have you noticed much growth over the last three years? our waters, if they are a client of ours becomes our problem. No. In November 2008 the World economy crashed and 2009 If they drop a load of fuel in the sea, then they get fined and was a disaster for the yachting industry. In the Mediterranean the the captain has to go to court, then we have to go to court. 26-35 m boats were just about wiped out, after that it started We had a 50 m commercial yacht with a New Zealand captain creeping up slowly. Then of course in the last two years we have where a few hundred litres went over the side. The crew were been hit with what we have now in the eastern Mediterranean, fantastic, they went into the full drill, they got the equipment the immigrant crisis, and a relatively nearby war zone which out, stopped it and started cleaning it up, but unfortunately the has put customers off, while the migrant problem seems to be matter had been reported to the Port Authority who came down, at least temporarily solved the war zone still creates a nervous took photographs and took the captain off board and locked him atmosphere for anybody thinking of visiting the area. If you up. The next morning he had to appear in court which was very mention the word illegal immigrant to the American market it interesting, there was a member from the Salvage Association means Mediterranean. In the European market why go to the acting on behalf of the yacht defence lawyers, us, and the Eastern Mediterranean when there are problems in Turkey with captain. The judge asked all the appropriate questions, what security and there are problems on the Greek islands with the precautions were taken, how was it handled, the opinion of the immigrants coming in. port authorities, the captain was found guilty of the crime but no In reality the Eastern Greek Islands are safe but it is a case sentence whatsoever, but unfortunately the incident goes to flag of what people read and want to believe. All of the islands along which was not good for his reputation. That is the price you pay the Turkish coast are looked at as being in a dangerous area, when for being the top of the tree, it was very unfortunate. in actual fact they were never a danger, just an inconvenience 56 if they spotted any immigrants in a boat, as under the Solas You must have also had some very strange incidents?. agreement you are obliged to stop and help anyone in distress. I have had some funny things happen. When Malta came into For the moment the migrant problem has been stopped. A lot the EU in 2004, I had a sail boat come in with an English captain, of vessels would go to Turkey and stop in Greece, or they would English deckhand and Maltese deckhand and they called me up, YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER I’m Renato Azara, CEO of Sardinia Yacht Services. My promise to you is that my highly professional yacht agency team will ensure that all of your requirements are met quickly and efficiently during your cruise around Sardinia. Tel. +39 0789 906021 Fax. +39 0789 906123 E: [email protected] www. sardiniayachtservices.it Porto Cervo Marina 07021 Porto Cervo (OT) Italy • BERTH RESERVATIONS • ITINERARY PLANNING • YACHT CLEARANCE • FOOD & BEVERAGES • BUNKERING YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER 57 SPONSORED BYSUPPORT MASTER •YACHTS • TECHNICAL LOGISTICS & FORWARDING AGENT • ACCOUNT & BANKING • GENERAL ORGANISATION ISSUE 31 MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER BELOW RIGHT: FLISVOS MARINA it was just before the Olympic games and the security was mind They met some German/Greeks onshore and they invited boggling. The boat came in at about 9.30, which was a problem them back to the boat. They were using a high speed tender as immigration closes at nine and the Maltese fella needed to be and had had a lot to drink and they were driving these taken to immigration. I told them to keep him on board overnight people back at high speed. Everyone was standing up in the then I would do the clearance first thing in the morning. I get tender and very close to the shore there was a 100 year old a call at four in the morning from the central police station in steel jetty. They didn’t see it in the dark and one of the visitors Piraeus asking if I was the agent for the sailing yacht as they had was decapitated, another killed and one of the crew lost an two of the crew in jail. I asked what they had done. They got into eye and the other one was seriously injured. The response was a taxi and held a gun on the back of the taxi driver’s head and quick and effective and the vessel was placed under arrest and said ‘take us to the best bar or you are dead’. They had bought investigated immediately. The next day a plane arrived with Greek a plastic kid’s gun, completely out of their minds on drink and and American lawyers and when the legal team arrived at the jumped into a taxi and pulled this plastic gun on the old taxi Port Authority wanting a statement there was a chart of Poros driver. When he tells me the full story I said do us a favour take in the office which they photographed and then asked to see them into the cell give them a good hiding and leave them there on the chart where the jetty was and it wasn’t there. The crew until tomorrow, so he said ‘we don’t do that anymore sir’. He were taken to hospital and the chief engineer was handcuffed, tells me to come around at about eight and sign for their release he was the one driving the boat and was only slightly injured, with no charges. I go at eight to find they have been released at he had a policeman sitting next to him 24 hours a day. We had seven, the captain apologises and the story came out that they a van and driver waiting outside the hospital at all hours for were taken to the charge office and told to sit on stools and to sit anything that the crew or their relations needed. One fine day the there and shut up and when they started to nod off they would chief engineer woke up his hand cuffs were gone, there was no kick the stool, they did this to keep them awake all night and then policeman sitting there and his passport was by his bed, he called told them to clear off back to the yacht and not to do it again. the driver, put some clothes on and they did a duck out of the Probably the worst incident, that I have ever heard of hospital and onto the ferry to Italy. The court case came up a few and unfortunately was involved in as an agent, was back in the days later and they could not find the accused, he was missing so days when I worked for Roger, it happened on Poros island which that was the end of that, the case was dropped. That was very sad is approximately 30 miles from Athens in a big bay, there was and the bodies had to be flown back to Germany. What happened a big 50 m yacht anchored there and the crew went ashore. after that was not our concern. YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS MAN AT THE TOP â€“ MIKE BREWER What about the sale of Greek marinas, is that going ahead? Vouliagmeni Marina near Athens, Athens Marina, Zea Marina, Well traditionally the marinas were owned by the government, Alimos Marina, Flisvos Marina and Olympic Marina out near Marina Flisvos and Zea Marina were partially sold off by Lavrion. There are other marinas on Kos island, there was talk of the government before the Olympics in about 2002 and the building one in Mykonos but only a few jetties have been built government maintained shares in them both, if I am not mistaken for small boats. Another has been built down in Rhodes and not about 25%. They sold them to private Greek entities. really been used, it wasnâ€™t really built in the right place. There is BELOW LEFT: THE DRY DOCKS AT PIRAEUS a lot of confusion in the country overall about what is going to Whose marinas eventually sold to D-Marin? happen regarding yachting, there is not much interest shown by That is just recently, this was prior to the Olympics, after and the locals, their attitude is that it is for the rich and the money is more recently there was talk of selling the Alimos marina in needed elsewhere, when in actual fact it would bring money into Athens and building marinas throughout the country, a solution the country and until this is understood things will not proceed. that everybody could be involved in, this was underway but There are all the facilities for yachting, new builds have been unfortunately when the plans were just about finalised the made up to 60 m, dry docks for any tonnage, travel lifts up to government changed and the new government put an immediate 800 tonnes. stop to any form of privatisation and any marina plans, it has all been put on hold. Whether this will change time will tell, the main And a big pool of expertise? existing marinas throughout the country are Gouvia in Corfu, This is basically for commercial shipping, every classification society is represented in Athens and in Piraeus any form of backup system that is required can be found, all of the major engine manufacturers are represented, because of the fast ferries, as such they can attend to all the larger yacht requirements. The finer points of yachting interiors like you would get in Italy, England, Holland and Germany etc, no we do not have specialists for these finer points. There are companies that make interiors for larger cruise liners, as far as shipping goes everything is available, the smaller yachting side, the same applies, boats can be pulled out in numerous places, there are many winter storage facilities, but when it comes to painting there are no temperature controlled sheds anywhere in the country, it is done in plastic tents, but we do not have extreme temperatures, the temperature seldom drops below 12 degrees Greece is a beautiful yachting area but there is a great need for berthing for the new breed of bigger Superyachts. There are all kinds of possibilities available, the problem is the need for a little bit of political stabilisation where they can see the direction that they want the country to go and they can agree with it and plans can be made. People are frightened of investment at the moment because governments are changing. From that point of view the country is not progressing. SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 59 MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER RIGHT: THE VOULIAGMENI ASTIR MARINA What about dry docking? under non EU Flags wishing to charter in Greek water can only From the yachting point of view there are two 800 tonne travel do so on a basis of either they embark or disembark outside the lifts after that there are 500, 200 etc. A 65 m can be taken out country. International Charter for example, if they started the at the yard on Salamis Island which is only a few minutes away charter in Italy and finished in Athens, that is acceptable and vice by ferry from the mainland. There are floating dry docks up to versa and of course having Turkey and Albania close by makes any tonnage yacht and some of the shipyards are not being fully these type of charters considerably easier. This was brought in used and they can take unlimited tonnage. For example there are to protect the ferry boat industry so that people couldn’t hop graving docks up 400,000 tonnes for tankers and there are two on and hop off island by island and to protect the domestic very useful smaller graving docks in the main port of Piraeus. They market. Greek yachts have a peculiar system in place, which I do have limited stay rules and limited facilities so they are only used not fully understand, they call themselves Professional Yachts, for sudden emergency repairs. There is Syros Island which also has not commercial for a reason that is only really understood by a very large dry dock facility, the shipyard has floating dry docks them. They are allowed to embark and disembark in Greece, that can take bulk carriers, too big for the average yacht, they then it was decided that EU flag vessels had the same rights. To have a 2000 tonne Syncro lift the only disadvantage being the obtain the necessary permission for an EU yacht to fully charter distance from Athens, any specialists and specialist parts have to in Greek waters is rather unclear to put it mildly. They have to be taken out there. Otherwise it is very well organised and well comply with the same requirements of a Greek yacht and for run. Generally speaking marine technical capabilities in Greece example a requirement of a Greek yacht is that the master are excellent, as good and in most cases better than anywhere must be able to speak Greek and by that they mean at least a in the Med. high school education in the language. The Greek crews pay into NAT (Seaman’s Pension Fund) which controls their pension and 60 Haven’t Chartering rules and regulations changed recently healthcare etc. They would expect that non Greek crews would in Greece? have the equivalent, owners would be paying this on behalf of The chartering laws slacked off slightly for the Olympic Games, their crews and they would have the same amount deducted but have unfortunately remained ever since. The Cabotage Law from their salaries. They also have to charter a minimum of so which was brought into effect, very basically, states that vessels many days for so many years, the charter can be in other waters YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER WHAT’S GOING ON AT NATIONAL MARINE SUPPLIERS With five locations globally and one more about to be up and running National Marine Suppliers has been quite busy improving customer service levels from all angles. The 2015 season was a year of improving our strategical presence in our newest locations of St. Maarten and The Netherlands. Our St. Maarten location saw the greatest increase in service levels by establishing a better network of logistics, this coupled with strengthened relationships on the island provided our customers a much better experience for both quick provision visits and long term stays. In our new location in the Netherlands which is conveniently located in the yacht building area of Aalsmeerderbrug, we are able to source European parts with ease. NEW LOCATION Yacht Haven Grande, an IGY Marina in St. Thomas USVI, has been awarded the 2016 Superyacht Marina of the Year Award. To meet the demand of the yachting industry and with the support of IGY Marinas, National Marine Suppliers is pleased to announce that we will be opening our new location inside Yacht Haven Grande marina for the 2016/2017 season. This location will make it even easier to provide world class service and exceed our customer’s expectations while visiting St. Thomas. The location just behind the Customs House and the IGY Dockmaster’s office will stock the most common supplies for all departments of a vessel as well as provide experienced staff members for customer assistance. finish all with one thing on our mind, provide the best products at the best prices with the best customer service level both during and after the project. We are proud of what we are doing as our customer service levels in the department are setting us apart from all others. A GREAT SERVICE Another great division that National Marine Suppliers has developed is a full-scale on-site service department. We realize the importance of all of your toys being turnkey. We have a group of certified technicians for all types of water toys from tenders to Seabobs and everything in between. Our qualified staff is ready to handle all of your needs from preperations for a new purchase, pickup, delivery, or any repairs. This department was created to make a seamless toy experience for you. We also offer secured storage for superfluous items belonging to the boat, owner, and crew. From full-size center console tenders to jet skis and personal vehicles we can store and maintain it all. WWW.NATIONALMARINE.COM NEW DIVISION The newest division of National Marine Suppliers is our Custom Yacht Solutions. In a world that revolves around the three basic principles of quality, value and customer service we have decided to manage many custom yacht requests ourselves. This has gone on to create our manufacturing of custom fenderhooks, solid core transom fenders, custom stainless applications, and many other solutions for specific needs of our customers. National Marine Supplier’s team of experts manages the job from start to SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 61 MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER RIGHT: ZEA MARINA as well as Greece. They have to open an office in Greece and have foreign yachting, they do not embrace it and make things a representative in the country so it really is extremely difficult easy. Things are getting much better though. Greece is one of for an EU yacht to come in and get Greek charter permission. the few countries in the world that has a dedicated ministry There are a couple of yachts that have, there is one with a Dutch of Mercantile Marine, it was an absolute necessity years ago flag and full Greek crew, they went to Holland and did a small when they had more than 2500 vessels under Greek flag and examination on Dutch maritime law so that they understood the probably another 7000 under foreign flags managed by Greek Dutch regulations and what is required under the Dutch flag and companies, this is now considerably reduced. The rules are set they have permission to charter in Greek waters, very easy for around mercantile marine and not yachting which is detrimental them because the beneficial owners are Greek with everything in to the yachting industry and I do not think that mentality is place so it was just a change of flag. going to change in the near future. The biggest problem is that in the islands there are not marina facilities for yachts to simply 62 So basically, you would have to pick your charters up outside book ahead, sail in, plug in and have a safe area. Every Island the country? has a main port for ferry services, fuel tankers, cargo etc so that They just follow the Cabotage regulations i.e. once the charter the docks available when not being used commercially is for the has commenced from say Italy, when they enter the country and use of yachts but it may not be in a prime area for beautiful the passenger list is stamped and they complete the charter in Superyachts to go to. What we suggest to our customers is that Athens the entrance passenger list must match the termination list. the commercial traffic normally stops at around 7 pm and that Nobody can leave or join except for medical reasons and this is just they use all the magnificent bays during the day and at night the basic point. If they want to take duty free fuel for example they they go in and take the berth and then move out at 7 am when have to sign declarations, how much fuel on board, how much they the commercial traffic starts again. If you are a commercial will need, daily consumption and length of charter, then customs yacht on a non Greek flag you are obliged to have an agent and will decide how much fuel to give them. It is normally what they ask with good reason, if the vessels crew try to do the paperwork for. However if a boat uses 2000 litres a day and is asking for 70,000 themselves it will be an absolute nightmare, it’s bad enough for and he is going to do a four day charter they possibly are not going the agent. Every port they go into they are obliged to clear in and to give the boat the full amount of fuel. out with port authorities, there is a fair amount of paperwork, I remember some 20 years ago even private vessels they are obliged to send pre-arrival timings, departures etc, so a could take duty free fuel in Greece and unfortunately some lot of work is involved, once they get the hang of it is is fine, but took advantages and were eventually caught and prosecuted they still occasionally forget and then they get fined at least 300 as a result of it. They don’t exactly kill themselves to assist Euros per fault. YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER Then there is port state control which some vessels have Do you find in Greece that captains can be misinformed, especially complained bitterly about, I myself being ex merchant navy on the fuel issue? do not see any reason to complain and I think the commercial Confused is the better word, the law does change occasionally, yachts, especially the smaller ones, do not really understand port some ports let things go and others don’t but the fuel issue state control and the concept behind it. On the larger vessels for a commercial yacht is basically he has to have a relevant most of the captains are ex merchant navy and they never seem charter agreement, he has to fill in the forms to determine to have any problems but at around 35 m it is new to the captains the quantity, when the vessels sails it must have guests on and port state go on board and start at number one and check board and he must have a charter agreement that states on everything that is there and depending what they see they will it that the cost of the fuel is to the owners account and not put in the necessary remarks. I have had two vessels that have the charter account, whereas Clause 8 under the MYBA been stopped from sailing, for one we fixed the non conformities agreement says exactly the opposite, you have to put an within 24 hours and the vessel was allowed to start sailing again. addendum on the charter agreement stating this. Then if they From my point of view they shouldn’t arrive with guests on board meet these requirements they can take fuel up to 24 hours prior in season and have port state control inspection it should have to the charter beginning. Problems only arise if a vessel comes been organised when they are non operational. along and suddenly says it needs fuel in 24 hours then it can be a problem. They can actually call port state control in? PSC are normally really busy people so when it comes up on Mike, we are getting towards the end of our little chat, where do the centralised computer based in Portugal, if they do not see you see your future? that the vessel is due for inspection, they are very reluctant to All being well, I will stay in the company as long as they want me. come pay a visit. For smaller yachts to be clear on Port State I will either be thrown out or carried out is the way I see it. With they should call in the specialists, management companies have my wife’s pension and my pension, we would struggle even with them, they can come on board and do an audit and then any a fully paid up house, pension laws have changed to the detriment problems can be addressed prior to the vessel coming into season, of the working people and people hang on to what they have unfortunately on smaller yachts this is not always the case. now, for as long as possible. all your tenders all your toys BUILD \| DELIVERY \| AFTER-SALES \| BROKERAGE \| SLIDES \| JETSKIS \| SEABOBS \| FLYBOARDS \| & LOTS MORE Contact \| UK: +44 2380 01 63 63 \| FR: +33 489 733 347 \| US: +1 954 302 9066 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER 63 SPONSORED BY MASTER YACHTS email: [email protected] \| www.superyachttendersandtoys.com ISSUE 31 MAN AT THE TOP – MIKE BREWER Where do you see the root cause of all these problems, you have Do you see it changing? been there a long time? I cannot see it any other way. Yes, I have lived here for 40 years, there was a time when Greece was not in such debt. It was a very simple country with simple The people do not seem to have the anger that they had a few means and no extravagances at all and things worked. Then the years ago? country joined the EU and received lots of benefits etc. and No, you now have total despair, when you have 25% unbeknown to the people, in the eighties the government had unemployment and literally every single family I know have either started borrowing money and the terrible shock came five years got direct unemployment or related unemployment, it is causing ago when it was realised one day what had been going on, the a lot of misery. If it gets worse you would begin to worry about Prime Minister announced the facts and resigned, that was when your safety. Visitors come in and do not really see anything on the the people became aware that we were into the hundreds of surface, but it is the icing on a very thick cake. Wages have been billions of debt. cut, there is nothing good about anything at the moment and there is this total fear of what tomorrow will bring, it is very sad. Where did all that money go, you must have had a lot of theories? Yes, but not for me to say, mismanagement would be the It is very sad, they are lovely people, I visit several times a year diplomatic and correct answer beyond that it is up to the and have done for about 20 years. Anyway Mike thank you for imagination of the individual. The EU put a lot of money in, but in travelling all this way for a fun couple of days. some ways did Greece no favours as when I first started in Greece Thank you, I wish we could produce the beer in Greece that you they were producing all types of things, they had factories making produce here in your Green Dragon pub, now that certainly would electrical goods for export, the Nissan assembly plant was here bring a bit of light at the end of the tunnel! >\|\| and there were many other exporting industries that kept the country going. When we went into the EU it was more or less said to the Greeks that they didn’t need to export goods and all the With many thanks to Mike’s friends for the photographs. basic industries closed down. AtSpeed® & AtRest® We’ve got it covered. Military-grade Technology, Quality and Durability for your Luxury Yacht The Science of Ship Motion Control® © 2016 Naiad Maritime Group, Inc. YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 65 ST VINCENT & THE GRENADINES THE AUTHENTIC CARIBBEAN BY HEATHER GRANT T VINCENT AND THE GRENADINES (SVG) IS A SMALL island nation in the Lesser Antilles set in the Eastern Caribbean. It is located in the southern part of the in 1969. It attained independence in 1979. SVG is comprised of 32 islands and cays, of which Windward Islands, south of St Lucia and north of Grenada. nine are inhabited, including the mainland of St Vincent Barbados is about 90 miles east. This 389 km2 territory consists and the Grenadines and the islands: Young Island, Bequia, of the main island of Saint Vincent and the northern two thirds Mustique, Canouan, Union Island, Mayreau, Petit St Vincent and of the Grenadines, which are a chain of smaller islands stretching Palm Island. south from Saint Vincent Island to Grenada. 66 state when it became a part of the West Indies Associated States The islands are volcanic in origin, indeed St Vincent has The population is approximately 110,000, with most living an active volcano called La Soufrière which last erupted in 1979 on the main island of St Vincent. The capital is Kingstown in (you can climb it). The rocky and mountainous physical features St Vincent. It is a parliamentary democracy based on the British of the islands make them particularly appealing to visitors – system, with 15 elected members representing single-member Union Island is known as ‘Little Tahiti’ due to its distinctive profile. constituencies. SVG’s status changed from colony to an associated St Vincent has black sand beaches, but the Grenadine islands have YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 ST VINCENT & THE GRENADINES OPPOSITE: CHATHAM BAY, WEST END OF UNION RIGHT: TRANQUILITY IN THE TOBAGO CAYS of the island’s history until its independence, the British were in control, punctuated by occasional battles with the Black Caribs. African slaves worked plantations of sugar, coffee, indigo, tobacco, cotton and cocoa until emancipation in 1838, when many owners abandoned the islands and the former slaves had to toil alone, with no support. A long period of subsistence farming began. During the 20th century, tourism started to develop and today is one of the main drivers of the economy. People like to describe the Grenadines as the ‘authentic’ Caribbean, the way the Caribbean used to be, the Caribbean they love and for good reason. Life is slow in the islands. No casinos, fine white sand, a factor that makes the Grenadines attractive to high rise buildings, elevators, escalators, not even traffic lights tourists. (They have them in St Vincent, but they have never worked!). The island now known as Saint Vincent was originally Spend a day in the Tobago Cays Marine Park, a remarkable World named Youloumain by the native Island Caribs. The Caribs Heritage site where there are no man-made structures, however, aggressively prevented European settlement on Saint Vincent turtles and sea life proliferate – you can swim with the turtles – until 1719. Prior to this, formerly enslaved Africans, who had it is an exceptional experience. Visit Clifton, the village on Union either been shipwrecked or who had escaped from Barbados, Island (known as the party island), where the fresh market offers Saint Lucia and Grenada and sought refuge in mainland Saint a profusion of local produce, from the mundane cabbage to exotic Vincent, intermarried with the Caribs and became known as Black snake gourds and calaloo. Climb the hill in Mayreau, an island of Caribs or Garifuna. about 250 inhabitants, and gaze at the views from the top by the The French were the first Europeans to occupy St Vincent, quaint stone Roman Catholic Church. Indulge in the local lobster, but after a few wars and various treaties, the British gained called langouste, straight from the sea to a beach grill, slathered control in 1763 by way of the Treaty of Paris. For most of the rest in butter, lime and garlic. YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 67 ABOVE: SUNSET IN THE GRENADINES RIGHT: SCUBA DIVING IN THE PRISTINE WATERS OF THE GRENADINES Each island is distinct and unique. Although bound together The Grenadines is a paradise for sailors. The almost within one country, each has its own character and even the nonstop trade winds, the beauty of the islands, a climate accents of the local people are slightly different from one island which sees daytime temperatures of 31ºC, plummeting at to the next. From the old days, when transportation was scarce night to 26ºC year round, few security concerns, crystal clear and island hopping was infrequent, each island retained its own azure water and sugar sand beaches are the magnets that draw distinct characteristics. As recently as the 1960s, people, food, yachts, large and small to the region. In addition, the bays are not doctors and all freight and materials moved between the islands crowded; not water based versions of trailer parks with yachts in sailing vessels. Friendship Rose, built in Bequia, plied the waters cheek by jowl, but a serene and tranquil world where a yacht may for years as the local ferry before being transformed into a day not see another boat all day. If you want crowds, do not come to tour schooner after a full restoration and electricity has only been the Grenadines! be. As mentioned above, conditions are excellent. But there are after being purchased in 1958 by Colin Tennant, the British beer so many other reasons to come to the Grenadines. The people magnate, it is an exclusive enclave. Home to many well-known are friendly and welcoming. When dealing with them, you will people from business, entertainment and British royalty, it is find them helpful and accommodating. Clearance procedures are known for elaborate villas, parties and Basil’s Bar, known far straightforward – yachts can clear at Union, Canouan, Mustique, and wide as the coolest hangout place in the country. Mustique has its own rules and laws, making access difficult for visitors at times, especially when the homeowners arrive in profusion during holidays. Several of the smaller islands are leased long term as private islands and are operated by top resorts. Petit St Vincent is at the southern end of the island chain, offering 5 star service to guests for over 40 years – some families now have a third generation turning up for vacations. Young Island Resort on Young Island at the southern tip of St Vincent is another. On Canouan, the Canouan Resort has a huge complex of luxury hotel, a beautifully designed golf course and private villa development. A marina will soon join this collection in Canouan, the marina currently under construction and opening within the year. 68 When it comes to sailing, the Grenadines is THE place to Mustique is the exception. Developed as a private island YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 ST VINCENT & THE GRENADINES LEFT FESTIVAL OF VINCY MAS IN ST VINCENT Bequia and St Vincent. Erika’s Yacht Agents offers this service to yachts, large and small. There are so many delightful spots for anchoring. Where shall we begin? Starting in the north, the leeward side of St Vincent is almost uninhabited and is characterised by steep mountainous slopes. Chateaubelair and Wallilabou are favourite anchorages – guests are always impressed by the geography along this stretch. At the south coast of St Vincent is Young Cut, a safe anchorage between Young Island and the mainland. It is possible to hire mooring buoys for even very large yachts here. Just ask for Charlie Tango (although Erika’s can do that for you). Moving south into the Grenadines, first is Bequia. Admiralty Bay is large and well protected, offering moorings for smaller boats only. Here you will find a quaint village, Port Elizabeth, some decent restaurants and activities to please a wide variety of interests. The turtle sanctuary is of particular interest to many. Take a tour in a local van to see the island properly. Catch a glimpse of the whaling station off the south coast. Bequia’s islanders are allowed to take four humpbacks per year during the season from February to May, using traditional harpooning from Next stop on the southward journey is Mustique, the small boats. They use every scrap of the whale, eating the flesh private island. Beautifully manicured and more redolent of a top and using the oil for many purposes, some of them medicinal. The private resort than it’s more natural and basic neighbour islands, taste of whale oil is indescribable. The overwhelming fish smell its Britannia Bay can be a rolly anchorage at times. A couple of that it emits stays in one’s system for quite a long time and is excellent restaurants and hotels abide in Mustique along with the bound to cure what ails you. rich and famous homeowners. YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 69 ABOVE: OVERLOOKING CLIFTON HARBOUR FROM UNION TO PALM ISLAND Canouan is home to the Canouan Resort, sporting a interesting for yachts by 2017. Charlestown Bay is the anchorage top golf course, a jet port used mainly by yacht and villa owners and is also prone to swells. Stay at the northern part for a quiet and an under-construction marina that will make life more night’s sleep aboard. RIGHT: STEEL PAN MAKER IN UNION Mayreau, the quaint little rock with its few hundred inhabitants is charming; the Tobago Cays Marine Park merits a couple of days, then on to the final jewel in the string – Union. A bit rough and ready, but friendly all the same, you can provision in Union – visit the fresh produce market in the village of Clifton. Large yachts cannot anchor in Clifton Harbour, but it is a short tender ride over from Palm Island. An amplitude of cute and charming bars, restaurants, snack spots and other shopping opportunities awaits you in Union. Chatham Bay at the west end of the island provides a peaceful and safe anchorage. This is the kiteboard mecca of the Grenadines, with two world recognised kiteboarding schools resident here. The tour is over. We have only travelled a few miles from one end to the other of a very small country. For yachts, it is splendid; each day catches sight of one more island, another adventure, offering variety to guests and crew alike. Worth noting is the lack of international security concerns, concerns that are putting a blight on other yachting locations in the world. Let us hope it remains this way for all to enjoy. Contact: [email protected] A proud member of the AYSS 70 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 >\|\| NO PASSION WITHOUT RISK ... ... LEAVE THE RISK TO US. Visit us at the Monaco Yacht Show – Quai des États-Unis Booth 8 (QE8) PA NTAEN I U S.COM/ PASSION Germany · Great Britain · Monaco · Denmark · Austria · Spain · Sweden · USA** · Australia Pantaenius UK Limited is authorised and regulated by the Financial Conduct Authority (Authorised No.308688) Pantaenius America Ltd. is a licensed insurance agent licensed in all 50 states. It is an independent corporation incorporated under the laws of New York and is a separate and distinct entity from any entity of the Pantaenius Group. * YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 71 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 73 OLIN SQUIRE REGULARLY JOINS US FOR BIG sailing events on our chase boat in Palma or St Tropez, to take photos together and we recently discussed the honour of myself, and my work, being featured in ‘The Professional Snapper’ section of this magazine. However, my history in photography, or my ‘snapper job’, as he calls it is very different to the top photographers that have already been published in his magazine. I know most of the top 20 yacht photographers of today and have had the pleasure to work together with some of them on chase boats. One of them, Franco Pace, has been a ‘god’ to me since I bought my first poster of his work at the Genoa Boat Show in 1989. Later we became good friends when our company stands were side by side at the Düsseldorf and Paris boat shows and where I asked him for testimonial shootings for Pantaenius. Much later I enjoyed meeting his assistant Alessandro and we have over the years worked hard together in St Barths taking many very good pictures. It is the same for example with Peter Neumann from Hamburg, Carlo Borlenghi from Italy and Cory Silken from the USA. Nobody can imagine how much respect I have for all of these great photographers. Unfortunately, I never had the chance to study photography; I am self-taught. In the analogue days when the word of the internet did not exist, photos were the one true message that could bring images and information to the world, an iconic medium which has fascinated me ever since I finished school in Germany and moved into my student life in Hamburg. 74 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHERS – MICHAEL KURTZ I studied economics in the 70s and already then I would often carry my DSLR camera with me, no matter if I was working as a truck driver in the harbour of Hamburg, at music concerts, demonstrating against the Nazi regime or nuclear power plants, or when I was sailing in the Baltic, my Olympus camera with its two or three lenses always accompanied me. Since then and until today, I see my pictures as timeless; my interpretation of seconds of my life frozen for the future. Many of my analogue films are stored; I am just waiting to have the time to develop and digitalise these personal treasures. I joined in the ‘Norddeutscher Regatta Verein’ in Hamburg in 1967 and have been racing Finns and Dragons ever since. In CARLO BORLENGHI (LEFT) AND FRANCO PACE (MIDDLE) the past 25 years I have participated as crew at many Dragon World championships with extraordinary helmsmen and I am still enjoying participating in the Finn Master circuits. My relation to racing and yachting brought me to Pantaenius and there I started a special career as a Claims Manager on difficult marine claims from all over the world. Here the camera again proved invaluable to document the accidents, using pictures in all kinds of ‘investigations’ and fraudulent cases. My teacher at that time was the top photographer Peter Neumann from Hamburg, who taught me lots of tips to take good pictures. 20 years of intensive travelling throughout the world has produced lots of films and another extensive archive. But again COMPLIANCE WITH PORT, IMMIGRATION AND CUSTOM REGULATIONS PROVISIONING • SUPPLIES • BUNKERING • LOGISTIC SUPPORT CREW SUPPORT • ENGINEERING YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 75 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 77 PRO ROFES FEES FE FES SS SIO IIO ONAL NA N AL PH AL PHOTO OTOGR GRAPHE PHERS S – MICH CH HAE AEL A EELL K KU URT RTZ R TZ T Z 78 all my photos are taken with feeling and intuition, never with the still responsible for Marketing and PR for Monaco and I assist target to display them as photo art. I only ever used them as a tool the main office in Hamburg as much as I can. But since I have lived to document what happened; my money I earned via my job. on the Cote d’Azur, photography has become my ‘creative love’ During those times, I was a director in the Pantaenius ‘Yacht’ and I really started to learn more about the secrets of the sense of department and also responsible for Marketing and PR. There we photography. My love is not just being out on the water, I also enjoy used the claim and racing photos with tremendous success for all photographing classic cars of all types, but that’s another story. kinds of media. We also have given our existing and potential new I have used Nikon cameras throughout my later life clients my photos of their yachts participating at a regatta or race and am now working with the D5 with zoom lenses from 14 to which has always been appreciated. This is unchanged today. 400 mm. When possible, I also try to use my fixed lenses, 200 In 1997 I moved with my family to the Mediterranean mm, 300 mm and 500 mm – but these are large and difficult to to open and develop the Pantaenius Monaco office – I am handle on the chase boat – even if I carry two or more camera YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHERS â€“ MICHAEL KURTZ YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 79 PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHERS â€“ MICHAEL KURTZ 80 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHERS â€“ MICHAEL KURTZ YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 81 bodies. Also there are always problems with carrying all of this I have read lots of photography books and I am an avid equipment on a plane, therefore, when I have to, I use the Sigma collector of the work of famous photographers of the last 80 150 – 600 Zoom, it is light and fast, but the quality is lower. years and I have participated in various photographic seminars. Regarding the black and white world, I enjoy using this With the experience I have gained over the years in photography format when I can and to get the best results I am using the Leica and my knowledge of all the regattas and events I have monochrome body with various wide angle lenses. attended, I developed, unintentionally, my ‘photo snapper’ job for PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHERS – MICHAEL KURTZ Pantaenius and have essentially become the house photographer with continuing success. For around 15 years I have been driving the tender for our film hero Tom Nitsch (www. tom-nitsch-images.de). Tom in my opinion is still one of the most professional film makers and photographers on the Yachting scene. His productions are outstanding and due to my experience in yacht racing and my general knowledge of bigger yachts, I developed a deep understanding of immediately seeing developing situations on the water when we are out filming the big events – being the tender driver it is crucial to decide where the best spots are and where not to go. The photographer on the water needs the help of a top driver to approach the best spots – and this Yachting Matters. He is often a guest on our boat; we have always is what we have always achieved, without being afraid and also enjoyed working together taking our pictures and films, I even let keeping everybody safe, not just us but also those on the vessels him drive at times, we both strive for high quality but, thankfully, we are covering. The quality of the pictures is the only thing that with very different results. >\|\| matters. My problem has always been that I am not able to take photos when I have to drive the boat – but that’s life. The photos produced from these events are worth suffering a little for. And here, the circle is closed, with Colin from Contact: [email protected] YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 83 reﬁt & repair Knowledgeable, dedicated, efﬁcient team AG E NCY \| BROKER AG E \| C HA RT ER \| CON C I E R G E \| MA N AG E M E N T \| P R OV I S I O N S \| R E F I T & REPAIRS E - M A IL : A 1@ A 1YAC HTING.COM \| TEL. +30.21 0.4587 1 00 WWW. A1 YACHTING.COM 84 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 AMAZING GREECE AN ADVENTURER’S PARADISE BY ROSEMARY PAVLATOU REECE IS OFTEN THOUGHT OF AS A MASS OF which varies in different areas from tiled-roofed, stone houses in islands with little blue-topped sugar-cube houses, the wetter north to the flat-roofed, white houses of the Aegean. tumbling down hillsides to azure seas, but it is also Amazing views, amazing sunsets, Oia in Santorini is well much more. Indeed, before I came to live here my impression was known for them, and amazing light. Artists from all over the world somewhat biblical and featured goats and flat topped houses. recognise the unique quality of the light in Greece. Most easily I was not wrong in either of these but soon found that I was experienced in cooler weather, an early morning in late September completely wrong in believing that these images alone define the can provide stunning light quality; there are of course some other country which I came to call home. things that you might not know of at all that exist in Greece. Patently this is not a country that offers the sophistication There are of course busy islands full of life and quiet islands of the South of France, well only in patches and it is not as built with a serenity difficult to even describe. Visit some of the quieter up and organised like some cruising areas, but it does have a lot islands and you will experience the simple pleasures of life at to offer to excite the visitor. a slower pace than many of us now live. Take part in the There is indeed a huge and very rich variety of experiences Greek tradition of taking coffee, it is quite acceptable to sit Greece has to offer from some of the most stunning beaches to and nurse a coffee for several hours in Greece. Coffee being an be found anywhere, to nightlife that doesn’t stop just because institution makes the café or kafenieon the general meeting place technically it is no longer night, a huge variety of architecture of many. Just order a coffee, slow down and observe the world YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 ABOVE: OIA, SANTORINI ADVENTURES AROUND GREECE RIGHT: A TYPICAL CAFÉ SCENE THAT CAN BE FOUND THROUGHOUT GREECE from your seat, you will almost instantly start to get the essence of the country. The night life in Greece is uncompromisingly busy. In mid winter I have encountered worse traffic in Athens at four in the morning than I have seen at midday as people make their way BELOW: FISH RESTAURANTS IN ATHENS home from a night out. Athens of course offers a huge variety of restaurants for dining, bars which stay open late and night clubs for music and dancing. There are also of course, traditional Greek boites, small clubs, which work mainly in the winter with local entertainers and bouzoukia, larger clubs with singers and often dancing, which stay open late into the night, where the traditional plate smashing 86 largely took place. For health and safety reasons carnation For the shoppers amongst us, Athens and Mykonos are heads have replaced plates with boxes of them available for largely the places to buy international brands but other areas purchase to be thrown in the direction of the singer when it is often have interesting buys. felt that their performance warrants. During summer most of the What most visitors miss when visiting Greece is the entertainment options, including bouzoukia, move to the coast mainland. The islands of Greece are so well known and so which is very convenient for the marinas. The length of Poseidon attractive that the mainland is largely ignored meaning that more Avenue, the sea road, has many clubs and bars, restaurants and is than half of Greece remains undiscovered by visitors which is a the place where most Athenians spend their summer evenings. shame as there is so much more to see. Mykonos though is probably considered the epicentre of Both land masses, which resemble cow’s udders, are of nightlife with a frenetic feel and countless clubs and bars in town immense interest and beauty and cannot be recommended and on the beach. For an endless party, you can’t do much better highly enough. than here. However, most islands have very busy nightlife of some The Peleponese in the south has, to be fair, been discovered kind to offer as well. A number of award winning restaurants in more recently by an elite few and consequently a few exclusive the country can be booked with both Michelin Stars and Greek hotels have sprung up. The Costa Navarino in Messinia on the awarded establishments on offer. west coast is one such hotel, with its golf courses and wild-life YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 Aim for a lower impactâ€¦ Counteract your carbon footprint today www.yachtcarbonoffset.com YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 87 ADVENTURES AROUND GREECE ͞tŚĞƌĞ ǆƉĞƌŝĞŶĐĞĚ ŚĞĨƐddĂŬĞ WƌŽǀŝƐŝŽŶƐddŽddŚĞE EĞǆƚ>>ĞǀĞů͟ sanctuary the hotel offers more than a place to stay. Activities which take advantage of the beautiful setting such as yoga, meditative walks and bird watching to name just a few, are organised for visitors. Voidokilia is undoubtedly one of the most impressive Greek beaches and is very nearby. Of course history is everywhere and Ancient Olympia, site of the first Olympic Games is very near. Koroni and Methoni castles are of interest on the coast, as you continue around the enormously beautiful Peloponese. Moving east Elaphonissos is worth a stop for its pink sand beach. On the east coast is the unique fortified town of Monemvassia built on a rocky outcrop with a narrow, easily defended entrance, its position perched high above the surrounding country and with a panoramic sea view. You can moor at the causeway and visit the city tŝƚŚŽǀĞƌϮϬǇĞĂƌƐĞǆƉĞƌŝĞŶĐĞŝŶƉƌŽǀŝƐŝŽŶŝŶŐ ƌϮϬǇĞĂƌƐĞǆƉ ǆƉĞƌ ĞƌŝĞ ŝĞŶĐ ŶĐĞĞŝŝŶƉƌŽǀŝƐŝŽŶ ǇĂĐŚƚƐĂƌŽƵŶĚƚŚĞŐůŽďĞ͕ǁĞŚĂǀĞƚŚĞůŽŐŝƐƟĐĂů ŽƵŶĚƚŚĞŐůŽďĞ͕ǁĞŚĂǀĞƚŚĞůŽŐŝƐƟ ƌĞƐŽƵƌĐĞƐƚŚĂƚĂůůŽǁƵƐƚŽƐƵƉƉůǇƚŚĞŚŝŐŚĞƐƚ ƋƵĂůŝƚǇ ƉƌŽǀŝƐŝŽŶƐ Ăƚ ƚŚĞ ŵŽƐƚ ĐŽŵƉĞƟƟǀĞ ƉƌŝĐŝŶŐ͘ zŽƵ ĚĞƐĞƌǀĞ Θ ĐĂŶ ĞǆƉĞĐƚ ƚŚĞ ǀĞƌǇ ďĞƐƚĂƩĞŶƟŽŶƚŽĚĞƚĂŝůŝŶĞǀĞƌǇŽƌĚĞƌ͘ before lunching or dining at the Kinsterna hotel a few kilometres away. A manor house found by the current owners in ruins and rebuilt, it is a very creditable reconstruction which makes for a comfortable and interesting hotel steeped in local history. Further East in the area of Porto Heli, a favourite of weekending Athenians, is the Aman hotel where it is possible, with prior agreement, to enjoy their beach club, their spa or dine, or all three. Inland of these is the area known as The Mani where life was tough and most buildings fortified as the inhabitants struggled for supremacy in a manner which gave them a reputation for behaviour that become known as maniacal. Exceptional scenery, fascinating history and interesting architecture however now characterises the area. In the north, Halkidiki, just west of Thessalonica the country’s second city, is a fascinating area consisting of three promontories and offers a wide range of interesting experiences from the amazing beaches of Sithonia and breathtaking scenery, to Mount Athos the promontory dedicated to the monastic life. Mount Athos, in a similar way to the ͻ ǆƚĞŶƐŝǀĞ^ĞůĞĐƟŽŶKĨDĞĂƚƐ ͻ&ƌĞƐŚ&ƌƵŝƚ͕sĞŐĞƚĂďůĞƐΘ^ƉĞĐŝĂůƚǇDŝĐƌŽƐ ͻ&ƌĞƐŚĞƐƚ^ĞĂĨŽŽĚ ͻ'ŽƵƌŵĞƚ^ƉĞĐŝĂůƚǇ/ƚĞŵƐ ͻŽŵƉƌĞŚĞŶƐŝǀĞĞǀĞƌĂŐĞĞƉĂƌƚŵĞŶƚ ͻůůƉƉůŝĂŶĐĞƐΘ'ĂůůĞǇ ƋƵŝƉŵĞŶƚ ǁǁǁ͘ŶĂƟŽŶĂůƉƌŽǀŝƐŝŽŶƐ͘ĐŽŵ ǁǁǁ ŶĂƟŽŶĂůƉƌŽǀŝƐŝŽŶƐ ĐŽŵ Vatican city, has certain privileges which allows it many of the same political and social rights which effectively make it a state within a state. With some 25 monasteries, most of which but not all, are Greek, populated exclusively by monks that prohibit the entry of women to the peninsular. This is the place to seek some spiritual solace and to explore ADVENTURES AROUND GREECE programme also includes classical and some Greek music. The Sani Gourmet Festival held in May, would be of interest to those who would enjoy tasting food from Michelin star OPPOSITE: TYPICAL ATHENS DINING LEFT: VOIDOKILIA BEACH chefs who join the festival. For the more athletic and intrepid Greece can offer lots of thrills and spills. Wind Surfing and kite surfing are both very popular in Greece with some spectacular places to learn and practice the skills required in both. The best spots for surfing are usually recognised as in Naxos, Rhodes (Prassonisi where campers spend the summer on the beach and Kremasti nearer to the Town), Lefkada, Paros and Limnos although centres exist throughout the country. Kite surfers the world of religion. Permission to enter and stay are required can reach some extraordinary speeds and the sight of kites on the before landing and women must stay on board at least 500 m sea at dusk is a thrilling one. from land. It is said that the Virgin Mary was sailing past and Some of the most spectacular diving is possible in Greece gasping at the beauty of the peninsular, declared that no other and we will organise a detailed itinerary for your dive complete women should ever see it. with environmental and historical information to enable you to Halkidiki also offers some more worldly entertainment, appreciate to the full the experience. There are huge numbers of specifically at the Sani resort where for 24 years the Sani wrecks many of which have been examined in detail and you can festival has been bringing music to the area from June to benefit from the geographical as well as the historical knowledge August each year. Famous for its Jazz concerts, the summer of the divers. www.seakinggroup.co.uk • Super Yacht engineering support & Upgrades • service 24/7 • Design and Installation of electrical systems inclusive of Propulsion, DP, Bridge Controls • Power generation & Distribution • Entertainment systems • • Specialist LED lighting systems • Alarms • CCTV • Fire detection etc • Marine Electrical System Design Marine Electrical Repair Birkenhead - Head Office Tel: 0151 652 4821 Fax: 0151 653 8076 Email: [email protected] Marine Electrical System Installs Control Panel & Software Solutions Commercial & Industrial Agent/preferred supplier for: Agent for: Mobile: 07990 551527 07990 551531 07793 707665 Fire & Security Vessel Traffic Management & Surveillance Systems Communication Systems BLOCTUBE MARINE SERVICES LTD ADVENTURES AROUND GREECE ABOVE: THE FORTIFIED TOWN OF MONEMVASSIA BELOW RIGHT: VIKOS GORGE Around Greece there are some amazing caves with impressive stalactites and stalagmites, visits to many of which local river. are well organised. Others can be approached by sea and can And there is wild terrain in many other areas with some be accessed by using the yachtâ€™s tender. A fine example of stunning wild life â€“ there are wild boar, fallow deer, wolves and the latter would be the blue caves in Kastellorizo. Organised even brown bears; all sorts of animals live in them there hills! cave visits include Drogarati and Melissani in Kefalonia. The Recently, having been here since 1979, I noticed road kill former is an underground cave as expected and Melissani is which looked like badgers. I saw lots of them but was assured an underground lake open to the sky but approached through by a local that there were no such things in Rhodes but perhaps caves. In the north of Greece other caves are linked with elsewhere. On investigation I found not only do we have badgers religious practice such as the cave of the apocalypse in Patmos but there are three kinds of badger including the European badger, and some have even been made into churches such as that of a related Cretan badger and a distinct indigenous strain of badger Ag Constantinos in the Peleponese. exclusively found in Rhodes. Walking is one of the most natural pleasures and the landscape of Greece naturally invites it. Some dramatic areas in which to enjoy such pleasures are the two deepest gorges in the country; Samaria Gorge and Vikos Gorge. Vikos Gorge is sited by the Guiness Book of Records to be amongst the deepest in the world and is considerably wilder than the Samaria Gorge which is well used and signposted with amenities including toilets along its 12 km length. The Vikos Gorge is 20 km long 90 but not all is walkable as it contains the tributary of a major YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 ADVENTURES AROUND GREECE The point is that after so many years I am still finding Greek wine has made major strides in the last years to new wonderful and unusual things in Greece. In terms of wildlife create many wines that have won international awards. Wine there are an immense number of birds and even more, it seems, tours can be great fun and the number and quality of vineyards bats. There are monk seals and dolphin who often follow yachts in Greece may surprise. Most are set up to offer an engaging leaping and diving in the wake or swimming along on the bow experience for visitors with or without a meal as wished. The wave, giving the occasional wink to impressed onlookers. Surely a mainland again, has many of the best vineyards and many joy to see. are easily accessible by yacht guests. Some such as a visit to Greece, because of its individual terrain with many the Skouras vineyard, can be combined with a visit to Ancient unconnected areas, has a huge biodiversity with too many rare Epidauros, one of the major archeological sites as well as a species of animals and plants to list here. But wild orchids can be wonderful open air theatre that hosts productions during the found; I once counted thirteen varieties of orchid in one field. It takes summer months. A timeless, essentially Greek experience in and time and patience â€“ and a good book to help identify them however! of itself. ABOVE: MELISSANI CAVES AND LAKE, KEFALONIA BELOW: YASOU And for those who think they have tried all that Greece has to offer, they should come later in the year and try some of the snow skiing slopes. Greece has a rich cultural, historical and social diversity which combined with its geography, means that there is always something new to explore and experience. The sun is shining and the sea is warm, the wine is cool and the Mediterranean diet is alive and well â€“ come and join us! >\|\| YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 91 MYBA GENOA CHARTER SHOW 2016 THE END OF AN ERA BY NORMA TREASE PHOTOGRAPHY BY COLIN SQUIRE RIGHT: NORMA TREASE BELOW: ONE OF THE JUDGES, ANTONIO MELLINO, DEEP IN THOUGHT 92 IAO ITALIA, IT’S BEEN A GREAT RIDE, ENJOYING THE habitats and on the MYBA charter show with you for almost three decades, terrace overlooking but as the song says, ‘time to … say goodbye…’ the show. Not to be For 28 years the MYBA Charter Show has been hosted in Italy, outdone, vendors competed mightily to host the best crew first in San Remo and for the past 17 years in the ancient port attractions, from Mansueto’s daily food extravaganzas featuring city of Genoa. To many, the announcement that this venerable local products and live music, to Neko Yacht Supply’s amazing show is moving to Barcelona in 2017 came as a shock, but no one food displays and always generous samplings, to Luise Associates can question the amazing Italian hospitality enjoyed by yachts, Captains dinner featuring Italian superstar chef Antonio Mellino brokers and vendors alike for so many years. MYBA President of yacht destination restaurant Quattro Passi. Quality beverages Fiona Maureso summed it up, saying ‘we would like to thank the always flowed from wine tastings aboard yachts, to booths Pesto Sea Group, and the City of Genoa… and we will of course including Vins Sans Frontieres, Gourmet Deliveries, No. 12 Fine miss all our friends in Italy.’ Wines and many others. Show-closing crew events also offered The 2016 edition of the MYBA Show was one of the diversity and plenty of fun, from beach rugby bashes, to exuberant most vibrant in recent memory, hosting a bumper crop of yachts crew parties sponsored by Zoom Yachting. Of course, Barcelona old and new, with a level of enthusiasm and crew talent that will offer its own Latin flavoured event, but the extraordinary style demonstrates the health of the charter world and the summer and hospitality of Genoa will not soon be forgotten. season is proving to be as busy as promised. As usual, the array For the last four years, one of the most memorable of charter yachts exhibited a wide range of sizes, representing aspects of the MYBA Charter Show has been the Superyacht builders worldwide, and the yachts provided tours, lunches, Chefs Competition and Tablescaping Service Awards. Winning dinners and parties enough to satisfy the most jaded of brokers yachts are said to gain several weeks of charter, while chefs – or journalists. Power and sail, large and small, of every flag and receive valuable kudos and exposure and service teams are crew of all nationalities, this show showcases the best of the best, increasingly recognised for their invaluable role in the culinary as it always has throughout the many years. experience aboard charter yachts. Every year has seen the quality Looking at the MYBA Charter Shows in Italy through the of the competition continue to grow and under the careful rear view mirror brings back many memories of memorable events stewardship of Sarah Sebastian, and with the continuing support that have developed this into [possibly] the most distinguished of sponsors Yachting Matters/SuperyachtChefs.com, GIS Yacht charter show ever. Genoa possesses a long and colourful history Provisioning and Superyacht World, the competition has become as a centre of commerce and maritime giant, and its spectacularly more professional with every edition. The judges represent diverse architecture reflects that. The Pesto Michelin starred restaurants in Italy and Sea Group, organisers of the show, have France, joined by leading charter brokers capitalised on this heritage by organising and journalists. Participating yachts are show events in some of their hometown’s grouped into three size categories, under most iconic locations. 39 m, 40-49 m, and 50+m, with 8-10 Who could ever forget walking up competing in each, with a specific theme the steps of the Palazzo Ducale, feeling like and requirements as to courses and use of royalty dressed in formal black and white? products for both cuisine and tablescaping. Or exploring the elegant grounds and While previous years have seen house of the Villa Lo Zerbino mysteriously Mediterranean concepts such as ‘Red masked? The spectacular Aquario di Genova Carpet: Cannes Film Festival’, this year’s hosted several events, both among the fish theme of ‘Italian Cuisine: Modern and YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 93 THE MYBA CHARTER YACHT SHOW – GENOA Vespa on the docks – proving that their highly experienced Chief Stewardess Suzy Sawers still remains at the top of her game. So many special moments happened throughout the busy three-day competition marathon, but one yacht that touched everyone’s heart was Kanaloa, who was saved from certain scrapping by the efforts of her loyal, dedicated crew, and whose Captain Dean Homan, brought us all to tears as he described how their chef Clyde May spent months working aboard as a lowly-paid dayworker to help support this extraordinary team effort. In a first for the Superyacht Chefs Competition, the judges were moved to offer a special ‘Best of the Best’ Judges Prize to the extraordinary yacht The Wellesley, who demonstrated ABOVE: CHIEF STEW SUZY SAWERS AOVE RIGHT: SARAH SEBASTIAN 94 Classic’ seemed to truly resonate with all of the competitors. that from the owner, to his Captains, to young chef Bradley Some of the competition highlights included a dramatic tableside van Rooyen, and the ‘Chief of Chiefs’ Alona Tischenko, whether deconstructed Tiramisu by 2nd Place Chef winner Micail Swindells hosting brokers lunches, cigar & cognac tastings, late night yacht of Unbridled who was ably assisted throughout by the entire crew hops or competing, this a program that is extraordinary in every and especially the service team under the leadership of Chief way. Their prize, a crew lunch at the equally extraordinary two- Stewardess Kim Kennedy, winning 1st Place Tablescaping in the Michelin Star restaurant Quattro Passi definitely makes this a 50+m category. For yachts under 39 m, yacht Solis, the largest class act all the way. Bravo to one and all! Mulder build to date, swept to First Place for both chef James So it’s Arrivaderci Italia, and Hola Barcelona in 2017, Snelleman and Chief Naomi Pritchard with their theme ‘Live the but without a doubt, the MYBA Charter Show only continues to Dream’; while Heliad II took both 2nd Place prizes by featuring grow in strength, relevance and will surely continue to showcase the yacht-made breads and excellent wine pairings. The middle excellence, and vibrancy that the yacht charter industry is all about. category, 40-49 m, was especially hotly contested, but the judges Author Norma Trease of Yachting Matters and were won over by 1st Place Chef Samantha Kerse of Fathom with SuperyachtChefs.com has been a judge at the Superyacht her lemon-based menu served al fresco. Yacht Balista, which took Chef Competition for the past four years, and at many chefs both 2nd place honours, wowed judges and spectators alike with competitions worldwide, after beginning her career as an award- their ‘Under the Tuscan Sun’ theme that featured a flower-decked winning yacht chef … many moons ago! YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 >\|\| PURVEYORS OF THE FINEST YACHT PROVISIONS At Superyacht Supplies we know that superyacht owners and their guests are accustomed to demanding and receiving the very best of everything. Our expertise enables us to provide our experienced chefs and stewards with all they need to exceed their guests’ expectations year-round, worldwide. ANTIGUA ST MAARTEN CARIBBEAN ISLANDS MALDIVES SEYCHELLES INDIAN OCEAN MEDITERRANEAN ADRIATIC We use only the highest quality produce, sourced locally or internationally when required, from fresh foods, ingredients and groceries through to vintage wines, luxury guest toiletries, interior items and everyday janitorial supplies. We consistently prepare and package provisions to the [\IVLIZL[aW]ZMY]QZMIVLW]ZÆMM\WN ZMNZQOMZI\ML^IV[ MV[]ZMIVM‫ٺ‬WZ\TM[[JM[XWSMXZW^Q[QWVQVO[MZ^QKMLQZMK\\W you, wherever you are. To place an order or discuss how we can be of service, please contact: ;]XMZaIKP\;]XXTQM[0MIL7‫ٻ‬KM" Tel: + 44 (0) 1964 536 668 [email protected] ;]XMZaIKP\;]XXTQM[.ZMVKP7‫ٻ‬KM" Tel: + 33 6 47 72 01 94 [email protected] ;]XMZaIKP\;]XXTQM[+ZWI\QIV7‫ٻ‬KM" Tel: + 385 99 25 10 201 [email protected] YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER www.SuperyachtSupplies.co.uk ISSUE 31 95 THE MYBA CHARTER YACHT SHOW – GENOA RIGHT: SAMANTHA KERSE AND THE CREW OF FATHOM CENTRE RIGHT: THE STEWARDESSES FROM QM OF LONDON SUPERYACHT CHEFS AND TABLESCAPING COMPETITION 2016 Yachts 50+ m 1st Place Chef – Sam Holloway / QM of London 2nd Place Chef – Micail Swindells / Unbridled 3rd Place Chef – Marcus Worm / Majestic BOTTOM RIGHT: REPRESENTATIVES OF THE WELLESLEY 1st Place Service – Kim Kennedy / Unbridled 2nd Place Service – Laura Tudhope / Martha Ann Yachts 40 – 49 m 1st Place Chef – Samantha Kerse / Fathom 2nd Place Chef – Sebastian Amberville / Balista 3rd Place Chef – Rhys Barrington / Rüya 1st Place Service – Rebecca Mulheron / Latiko 2nd Place Service – Suzy Sawers / Balisto Yachts Under 40 m 1st Place Chef – James Snelleman / Solis 2nd Place Chef – Nicholas Bernat / Heliad II 3rd Place Chef – Odile Amour / Cristalex 1st Place Service – Noami Pritchard / Solis 2nd Place Service – Jennifer Brecheteav / Heliad II Judges: Antonio ‘Tonino’ Mellino / Quattro Passi Thierry Blouin / La Mère Germaine Guiliano Piscina / Balin Cuisine Norma Trease / Yachting Matters – SuperyachtChefs.com Rotating Judges: John Wyborn / Bluewater Sacha Williams / Camper & Nicholson Stephanie Archer / OCI MYBA CHARTER YACHT SHOW – BARCELONA APRIL 24 – 26 2017 www.mybashow.com www.superyachtchefs.com Have you joined the free private networking site for professional yacht chefs? 96 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 Protecting Your Asset bespoke yacht insurance “The Sturge maritime insurance expertise is well known throughout the world. We consider them a valuable resource and asset.” “They epitomise service, professionalism and discretion.” Sturge Taylor & Associates Ltd Authorised and Regulated by the Financial Conduct Authority Notebeme House, 84 High Street, Southampton SO14 2NT T: +44 (0)2380 222666 F: +44 (0)2380 051381 E: [email protected] 65-68 Leadenhall Street, London EC3A 2AD T: +44 (0)207 702 2202 F: +44 (0)207 900 3709 E: [email protected] Sturge International Services Sarl 15 Rue Sadi Carnot 06600 Antibes France T: +33 (0)4 93 95 22 95 F: +33 (0)4 93 95 22 00 E: [email protected] www.sturgetaylor.com Hull & Machinery Registered in England No 3706480 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 97 MINI SUBMARINES EXPLORING THE DEPTHS IN STYLE BY CPT. PETER ANDERSON LITTLE OVER 34 YEARS AGO ON A MISERABLE WET Times have evolved though and founded just 10 years and windy night in Faslane, Scotland, I joined my first ago, U-Boat Worx in the Netherlands rapidly became the world’s Royal Navy submarine, just 24 hrs before a state of largest and most respected private submarine manufacturer. war was announced over the disputed sovereignty of Production at UBW is currently at full capacity with orders books the Falkland Islands. To my horror, very soon after, we were 98 full from clients all around the globe. dispatched in our dark and claustrophobic steel tube reeking of Material and technological development and some very sweat and diesel, to undertake a passage of several weeks toward clever design ideas, has led to a veritable explosion in popularity of the South Atlantic. Little did I know at the time that today I submarines aboard yachts, at high-end holiday resort complexes would regularly, happily and voluntarily step into an acrylic and more recently, aboard some of the most exclusive cruise bubble, settle into a comfy seat (complete with arm rests and ships around the world. Spherical pressure hulls made from a cup holder) and slip several hundred metres beneath the waves…. transparent acrylic material with near perfect optical clarity just for fun! gives incredible all round visibility to all on board. Intuitive hand For several years, a few large yachts have carried held control units linked to state-of-the-art smart navigational submersible craft with varying levels of success and functionality. technology, mean pretty much anyone can operate a submersible Apart from the significant purchase and maintenance costs, with pinpoint accuracy. So instead of simply being a passenger, many of these early private submarines were extremely heavy, owners and guests can now ‘drive’ their own submarine whilst the often suffered reliability issues, lacked comfort and had a pilot continues to oversee life support systems and the physics of somewhat limited field of vision underwater. This led to an operating a submerged vessel. understandable loss of interest by their very owners and in many Being at the forefront of private submarine design and cases the submarine became an object of hate for the deck and innovation, Bert Houtman, the founder of U-Boat Worx had engineering crews. the marketing foresight to adapt and improve designs to reflect YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 SUBMARINES developing clientele expectations and requirements. Smaller Available Autumn 2016 yachts clearly needed a lighter more compact submarine but without trading off the versatility, depth capabilities and the panoramic vision provided by the larger exploration and research models. Hence the Super Yacht Sub 3 was born, a lightweight 3 man submarine that can be rated to dive to fully 300 m with eight hours of autonomy and which, just like its bigger brothers, can be fitted with the full range of accessories. Similarly, the high-end cruise line market needed greater passenger capacities compared to the yachting or research sectors. So evolved the Cruise Sub range of vessels which use a â€˜double sphereâ€™ configuration in order to provide spacious super SUBMERSIBLE INDUCTIVE LIGHTING SYSTEM luxurious seating that can accommodate four, six or even eight passengers at a time. With so many new submarines being launched, many more trained personnel are required to operate and maintain them. NO DRILLING OF THE HULL Pilot training is forging ahead to meet this demand and in the last 12 months, at U-Boat Worx alone, more than 20 new pilots have attended training courses either for professional reasons or simply for personal achievement. Manufacturers in house regulation currently governs certification and assessment of ability and pilots are trained on, and licensed for, a particular model of BG B S IL S . C O B_ 576280 B S I L S. M eventually cover the full scope of general knowledge and ability, BG flag state approval and ratification for a training syllabus that will @ submarine only. However, discussions are in the pipeline to obtain required to operate a variety of submersible craft safely. Eventually, BGB SILS, Dysart Rd, Grantham. Lincolnshire. NG31 7NB. UK YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 99 SUBMARINES submarine pilot Certificates of Competency are expected to become commonplace, with type approval endorsements for specific models. No doubt in time, such certification will become a regular addition to a deck officer’s arsenal of qualifications. So why own a submarine? What exactly would you do with it? Each time you take the controls of a U-Boat Worx submersible a new adventure begins and to experience these adventures with family and friends is nothing short of spectacular. Witness colourful marine life at first hand with a panoramic view that can only be described as ‘out of this world’. Imagine having the freedom to explore sites that have never been visited before by recreational or professional divers, discover unexplored wrecks, see thousands of species of fish and the world’s most beautiful coral reefs with your friends and family by your side. 100 The oceans cover the largest part of our world, yet so The availability of a submarine is becoming an attractive little has been explored. Recreational scuba diving limits man to addition when marketing large yachts for charter. Indeed, just safely descend to a maximum of roughly 45 metres, breathing recently the very impressive 77 m MY Legend, a high-end world compressed air. To venture deeper than this involves breathing travelling charter yacht has added a submarine to her inventory more complicated gas combinations and extensive training to for just this purpose. As an alternative to carrying a submersible deal with the dangers and the discomfort that can occur due to on board a yacht, UBW has been experimenting with providing the increased pressures exerted on the human body. Even then, submarines for charter. Trials carried out last summer in the deep diving with tanks and breathing apparatus allows very Mediterranean proved exceedingly popular with guests and UBW limited ‘bottom time’ followed by a very long re-ascent with hope to extend this to become a regular service in the coming years. multiple decompression stops to combat the physical effects YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 SUBMARINES SUBMARINES of decompression. In a ‘one atmosphere’ submersible, we break maintain depth so in the improbable event that everything failed, through these barriers and maintain the same pressure inside the they will ALWAYS return to the surface of their own accord. Or if submersible as on the surface. Anyone, young or old can simply the pilot were to become incapacitated, the submarine will take step on board and decend to 300 m or more without any special over and automatically bring itself safely back to the surface. training and without getting their feet wet! Bottom time is only These are just two of multiple layers of safety built in to all limited to battery power and life support reserves and to the submarine models. whim of the occupants. You could spend all day exploring a wreck Without doubt we will see more and more submarines or reef without surfacing or pop up an down as often and as fast carried on board yachts or available for charter. No longer an as you wish. expensive ‘toy’ a submersible provides a natural extension to a Of course many people genuinely fear the very thought yacht’s complement of tenders and equipment. A helicopter will of sitting inside a boat and deliberately sinking to the bottom whisk you off to the airport in style, but a submarine will open up so of course, safety is paramount and a great deal of effort an unforgettable world of discovery. After all, a yacht’s guests will has been made to ensure these vessels are completely invariably want to explore a nearby beach or island, not being able safe. Regardless of the type of submarine, whether it is a large to explore the fascinating and colourful world just beneath the military vessel or a three seat private submersible, the basic yacht as well, is denying them a whole dimension to their cruise physics of operation remain the same. Without going into the experience. details of Archimedes Principal or the laws of displacement, If a yacht owner would like to trial a submarine, basically in order to descend below the surface, an object must UBW operate demonstration days for this purpose and of be made heavy enough to overcome the upward force, which course the submarines can be viewed at the major super is trying to make it float. In practice, it can be surprisingly yacht shows. And finally, to answer a question often asked at difficult to achieve this. Even when trimmed for the weight of these trade shows, ‘Yes, they do come in Yellow’! >\|\| the passengers and payload, all U-Boat Worx submarines remain slightly positively buoyant (meaning they want to float upwards, If further information is required, kindly contact Peter Anderson not sink toward the bottom). They rely on the thrusters to [email protected] Management Simplicity “I am pleased to observe that the Ariadne Safety Management System not only complies with the requirements of the ISM Code but has also been devised to maintain simplicity and reduce the laborious workload encountered with some other systems. I have found it extremely straightforward to operate on-board and it clearly incorporates all the requirements of current national and international legislation. I would be pleased to recommend Ariadne Yacht Management Systems to similar future operators” Captain John Wisden (M/Y Stargate) 9 Circular Road, Douglas, Isle of Man IM1 1AF +44 7624 486 505 [email protected] YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 101 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 UNDER THE HIGH PATRONAGE OF HSH PRINCE ALBERT II OF MONACO Ho u se of F ine Yach ting PORT HERCULES, MONACO 28 SEPTEMBER 1 OCTOBER 2016 OFFICIAL SPONSOR YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 103 THE 2016 MONACO YACHT SHOW SUPERYACHT REFLECTIONS ROM 28 SEPTEMBER – 1 OCTOBER 2016 THE MONACO to make MYS a genuine label. This unifying ambition translates into Yacht Show will open its doors to its 26th edition and the the development of daring and innovative solutions to promote the 34,000 participants who will arrive from around the world market to a world-wide audience, the high point of which naturally to celebrate the best that Superyachts have on offer in a beautiful, remains the still unrivalled end of September MYS event. brilliant and iconic venue, the Principality of Monaco. Private yacht owners, future buyers of yachts and decision- HIGH-LEVEL GUESTS AT THE MYS makers from leading companies in the yachting and luxury sectors For the last three years MYS has participated in Monaco Week in will tread the blue walkways of Port Hercule to board 124 of the China, in collaboration with the Monegasque Embassy in China most desirable yachts from the past year or discover the latest and the show’s historic Asian media partner, Bluinc Media group. trends in naval architecture and the technological gadgets or This press and public relations operation, which this year took nautical leisure accessories of tomorrow. place in Chengdu, the economic and financial capital of western Each edition of the Monaco Yacht Show is different, with a China with 20,000 high net worth individuals in its population, spectacular exhibition that is renewed every year that reflects the offered an open platform to the region’s lifestyle and economic constant changes in an industry driven by the desires – and the press and above all to the social elite that are keen to explore purchasing power – of its wealthy clientele. the universe of yachting (the first two editions took place in Today, there are 4476 superyachts in operation, 1099 of Shanghai and Beijing). Just as the members of the Superyacht which are for sale according to the 2016 annual report of Camper Builders Association did in 2014 and 2015, shipyards VSY and & Nicholsons and Wealth X. The Superyacht market is supported Nobiskrug helped the MYS this year to attract new clients. This by only a small and enthusiastic group of clients and with over operation involved two phases, in China and then in Monaco, 200,000 super-rich individuals in the world there are without where a delegation of Chinese VIPs were welcomed to the Show in doubt great marketing opportunities to be realised. This leaves September. While China remains a region with enormous potential some margin for progress, if we can leave the well beaten track of to develop yachting, it still represents a challenge for players in this the yachting world as we know it to seek new clients elsewhere market, whose determination has been clearly displayed in the the industry will continue on its upward trajectory. In fact, charter promotional activities that have been undertaken in recent years. companies and shipyards now regularly set up partnerships with On 27 September 2016, 400 top managers from the luxury car manufacturers, private jet brokers or constructors, yachting industry and MYS’s private clients will be invited to the or any company that manages the portfolio of these cherished show’s opening gala evening to celebrate its 26th edition. This will wealthy clients to create interest. also be the 3rd edition of the MYS Superyacht Awards and trophies For more than ten years now the yachting community will be presented to some of the superyachts exhibited at the MYS. has adopted the MYS as its ambassador on the world stage, a A few hours before that, the MYS organisers will have situation that earns praise but also creates new expectations. held a new edition of the Monaco Yacht Summit, this time in a To help meet these expectations, three years ago, the show new version for an exclusive VIP audience limited to about fifty reoriented its development strategy in order to meet and even invited guests. anticipate the needs of its participants – private clients, high-level visitors, managers of large brokerage or shipyard companies and ENJOY THE MYS EXPERIENCE… AND COME BACK EVERY YEAR all the sectors directly linked to yachting or complementary to The success of the Monaco Yacht Show – and this is what makes this great luxury industry. It is by warmly welcoming exceptional it unique – is not only founded on the quality of the material international clientele to Monaco, listening attentively to their exhibited by the quayside and in the water by the participating needs and offering the best solutions that companies in our sector companies, but also on its ability to improve the quality of can offer will we increase their know-how and make yachting welcome and services every year. attractive to them. In response to the express desire of the finest automobile The Monaco Show is considered to be an important indicator manufacturers to participate in the MYS in recent years, a totally of the health of the sector but to its visitors it must also reflect an new exhibition space, the Car Deck, dedicated solely to ultra-high- emotional experience. The declared aim of the Show’s organisers is quality vehicles will be launched. YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 MONACO YACHT SHOW 2016 Several prestige automobiles with be on display to the Show’s clientele and available for purchase or a test drive in the end of 2015, 40 m or more in length and presented exclusively by a shipyard. heart of the town. The Car Deck will thus supplement the exhibition A deliberately varied jury composed of specialised yachting space set aside exclusively for luxury sectors linked to yachting that journalists from Germany, the Middle East, the United States, Italy already exist on the Upper Deck Lounge, the special welcome area and the United Kingdom will have the task of choosing the winners. for the Show’s private and business clients, launched in 2012. This year’s awards will be made in the following categories: interior Created as a confidential service for exhibitors design, exterior design, and finest new superyacht in the show. in 2014, the Sapphire Experience offers a bespoke visit to the MYS exclusively for private clients interested in chartering THE 2016 MONACO YACHT SUMMIT or purchasing a superyacht. Only 100 Sapphire Experiences This event is organised in collaboration with the Yacht Investor are on offer, proposing a service of the highest quality to enable Media Group and in association with the Global Partnership guests to enjoy the MYS experience: a customised on-line Family Office. concierge service will accompany you throughout your visit to Gaëlle Tallarida, General Manager of the MYS, explains the show to organise visits to your preferred superyachts and that the aim of this event, which takes the form of expert reserve your courtesy car or your table for lunch at the MYS workshops devoted to specific topics, is to debate different aspects official restaurant. of the Superyacht industry today and provide practical information Particular attention has been given to improving transport to owners, potential future buyers and their representatives: facilities so as to ensure regular trouble-free transit between ‘The fact that the Monaco Yacht Show is organising a new the different exhibition areas that now cover the whole of Port Summit exclusively for owners, potential future buyers and their Hercule: the network of launches will offer direct routes between representatives confirms the will and ambition that we have the various quays, including a special line for the crossing between expressed over the last three years to promote the yachting the Quai de l’Hirondelle and the Quai Antoine 1er. On land the industry to potential clients – who seek information about a golf cart service introduced in 2015 will offer new stops and sector they are more or less familiar with – and to invite them to extended service hours to back up the networks of bus shuttles come and meet the exhibitors on the quays of Port Hercule the and courtesy cars that will continue to connect hotels in Monaco very next day.’ >\|\| directly with the show. Three helicopter lines will provide services between Monaco and Nice airport or the Cannes and Saint-Tropez 26TH MONACO YACHT SHOW business terminals. The new MYS application, to be launched at 28 September – 1 October 2016 the end of August, will additionally facilitate access to transport Port Hercule in Monaco solutions and suggest the best route to the exhibition booth or www.monacoyachtshow.com The 2016 edition of the Monaco Yacht Show will occupy an @mys_monaco exhibition area totaling 20,000 sq m, once again presenting 580 Facebook/monacoyachtshow exhibiting companies and MYS partners, 124 superyachts including Instagram: monacoyachtshow_official some forty new vessels making their world premiere and a selection of luxury tenders and other accessories for water sports and leisure activities. THE 2016 MYS SUPERYACHT AWARDS Launched three years ago, the MYS Superyacht Awards will again be presented at the 2016 MYS to a selection of superyachts exhibited by their builders as world premieres at the show. The selection criteria are simple and reflect the excellence of the industry: the yacht must be a new build in 2016 or delivered towards the YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 105 EVENTS ROUND UP CANNES YACHT & BOAT SHOW 6 – 11 SEPTEMBER 2016 www.salonnautiquecannes.com ANTIGUA GOLF 11 DECEMBER 2016 www.yachtingandconcierge.com SOUTHAMPTON BOAT SHOW 16 – 25 SEPTEMBER 2016 www.southamptonboatshow.com ASIA SUPERYACHT RENDEZVOUS 16 – 18 DECEMBER 2016 www.asia-superyacht-rendezvous.com LES VOILES DE ST. TROPEZ 24 SEPTEMBER – 2 OCTOBER 2016 www.lesvoilesdesaint-tropez.fr LONDON BOAT SHOW 6 – 15 JANUARY 2017 www.londonboatshow.com THE MONACO YACHT SHOW 28 SEPTEMBER – 1 OCTOBER 2016 www.monacoyachtshow.com BOOT DÜSSELDORF 21 – 29 JANUARY 2017 www.boot-düsseldorf.com AYSS – MONACONET – RASCASSE 29 SEPTEMBER 2016 (invite only) www.ayss.org THE SUPERYACHT CHALLENGE – ANTIGUA 27 – 29 JANUARY 2017 www.thesuperyachtchallenge.com THE FUTURE FOR YACHT CHARTERING 11 OCTOBER 2016 (PORT VELL) www.quaynote.com THE PINMAR GOLF TOURNAMENT 20 – 22 OCTOBER 2016 www.pinmargolf.es FORT LAUDERDALE INT. BOATSHOW 3 – 7 NOVEMBER 2016 www.showmanagement.com GLOBAL SUPERYACHT FORUM – AMSTERDAM 14 – 16 NOVEMBER 2016 www.globalsuperyachtforum.com METS & THE SUPERYACHT PAVILION – AMSTERDAM 15 – 17 NOVEMBER 2016 www.metstrade.com ABU DHABI GRAND PRIX 25 – 27 NOVEMBER 2016 www.formula1.com ANTIGUA CHARTER YACHT SHOW 4 – 10 DECEMBER 2016 www.antiguayachtshow.com MIAMI INT. BOAT SHOW 16 – 20 FEBRUARY 2017 www.miamiboatshow.com RORC 600 – ANTIGUA 22 FEBRUARY 2017 (Starts) www.caribbean600.rorc.org DUBAI INTERNATIONAL BOAT SHOW 28 FEBRUARY – 4 MARCH 2017 www.boatshowdubai.com OPPORTUNITIES IN SUPERYACHTS 2017 9 MARCH (Malta) www.quaynote.com ST BARTHS BUCKET 16 – 19 MARCH 2017 www.bucketregattas.com SINGAPORE YACHT SHOW 6 – 9 APRIL 2017 www.singaporeyachtshow.com ANTIGUA CLASSIC YACHT REGATTA 19 – 25 APRIL 2017 www.antiguaclassics.com MYBA CHARTER YACHT SHOW – BARCELONA 24 – 26 APRIL 2017 www.mybashow.com PALMA SUPERYACHT SHOW 28 APRIL – 2 MAY 2017 www.mybashows.com MEDITERRANEAN YACHT SHOW – GREECE 29 APRIL – 2 MAY 2017 www.mediterraneanyachtshow.gr CANNES FILM FESTIVAL 17 – 28 MAY 2017 www.festival-cannes.fr MONACO GRAND PRIX 25 – 28 MAY 2017 www.formula1.com LORO PIANA SUPERYACHT REGATTA 6 – 10 JUNE 2017 www.loropianasuperyachtregatta.com THE LONDON YACHT, JET & PRESTIGE CAR SHOW 8 – 10 JUNE 2017 (new venue – see website) www.londonyachtjetandprestigecarshow.com THE SUPERYACHT CUP – PALMA 21 – 24 JUNE 2017 www.thesuperyachtcup.com AMERICA’S CUP SUPERYACHT REGATTA 12 –13 JUNE (Bermuda) www.americascup.com AMERICA’S CUP QUALIFIERS – BERMUDA 26 MAY – 12 JUNE (provisional) www.americascup.com THE 35TH AMERICA’S CUP 2017 17 – 27 JUNE 2017 (provisional) www.americascup.com ALWAYS CHECK DATES ONLINE BEFORE COMMITMENT www.superyachtcaptains.com Have you joined the free private networking site for professional yacht captains? Over 1150 Captains have! 106 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 We create fully customised websites, apps and software. simple For a chat about your requirements, call our friendly team on +44 (0) 1603 735576 www.innershed.com design & development [email protected] brand marketing YACHTING& MATTERS OWNER software apps& THE YACHTISSUE 31 107 THE ISLANDS OF BRAZIL HIDDEN GEMS BY ADAM TARLETON ELDOM EXPLORED BY FOREIGN YACHTS THE You can also try the sweet tasting fish known as Pirarucu and have Brazilian coast has some exquisite and unspoilt cruising a CupuaĂ§u ice cream afterwards. grounds to offer. Visitors might also consider trying the very different regional food and specialities. Present regulations allow a foreign flag vessel three months in Brazilian waters before leaving. This can be extended depending on the Nationality of the Captain. It should be noted that some nationalities require visas to visit Brazil and these are not granted on arrival but must be obtained before the vessel arrives. The required document is a tourist visa. The national language is Portuguese and it is rare to find English speakers in government offices or for day to day provisioning and getting around. Bureaucracy is slow and complicated and it is highly advised to use an agent. THE AMAZON The Amazon is a whole adventure voyage in itself and the SY Fidelis Amazon voyage was covered in April 2015, Issue 28, of this magazine. Superyachts have cruised to Tefe and beyond, upriver from Manaus, where the mighty Amazon is better known as the Solimoes and nearer the Pacific than the Atlantic ocean. In the right season it is possible to voyage to Iquitos in Peru. Highlights include the national park of Mamiraua, schools of pink river dolphins; the dark slightly acidic waters of the Rio Negro and the two colours running side by side at the meeting of the Solimoes with the Rio Negro and, virtually unknown outside of Brazil, the beach of Alter do Chau near Santarem. It is also possible to cruise up the Rio Tapajos to Henry Fordâ€™s failed plantation Fordlandia. YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 109 THE ISLANDS OF BRAZIL ABOVE: THE NATURAL BEAUTY OF THE AMAZON RIGHT: A STINGRAY IN THE WATERS OFF FERNANDO DE NORONHA BELOW RIGHT: SALVADOR PORT AREA PREVIOUS PAGES: FERNANDO DE NORONHA Some 200 nm off the NE corner of Brazil is the World Heritage site and National Park of Fernando de Noronha. With a similar climate and vegetation to the dryer parts of the Caribbean this archipelago is renowned for its extraordinary diving from April through to November, with average underwater visibility of up to 120 feet and with an average water temperature MAIN : A STUNNING VIEW OF FERNANDO DE NORONHA of 26ยบC. These waters are home to some 230 varieties of fish, five types of shark, two species of sea turtles, 15 coral reefs INSET: NATIVES OF THE AMAZON and, unique to here and the South Pacific, the Spinner Dolphin which come inshore to feed. Vessels have to anchor in the roadstead and should be completely selfsufficient. Local operators are used for all dive excursions. There are also several outstanding beaches and some great surf. The Hang Loose surf contest is an annual occurrence. There are daily flights to Recife and Natal. See www.noronha.com.br/ SALVADOR A Port of Entry, the city of Salvador with its historic Pelorinho district was the early Portuguese colonial capital of Brazil. The 110 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 WE SUPPLY COMPLETE SPECIAL PRODUCTION PROJECT A PRECISE PROCESS ENSURES THE BEST UNIFORM IS DELIVERED ON TIME T H E U N I FO R M S O LU T I O N P R OV I D E R "OUJCFTt.BMMPSDB 41 t#FBVMJFVt(PMGF+VBOt-B$JPUBUt7JMBOPWB(SBO.BSJOB 41 t7JBSFHHJP 5 t#BSDFMPOB 41 t0TT /- DOLPHINWEAR.CO M YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 111 THE ISLANDS OF BRAZIL destination. Diving permits are organised in the sleepy little town of Caravelas. Compulsory local dive guides are also picked up here. There are two reef banks between seven and 25 nm offshore which have depths under 30 m and leads to a drop off at 70 m. From July to November the Abrolhos are visited by humpback whales that come to give birth. See: www.sigep.cprm.gov.br/sitio090/sitio090english.htm BUZIOS / ARRAIAL DE CABO 90 miles east of Rio is Cabo Frio named for where the cold Malvinas current comes to the surface resulting in abundant maritime life which is great for divers and for sports fisherman. Just to the North of Cabo Frio is the picturesque and cosmopolitan town of Buzios with its beaches, galleries and restaurants. Known as Brazil’s St. Tropez, Buzios has a sculpture of Brigitte Bardot on the seafront which celebrates her visit in 1964. Since then Buzios has been on the tourist map. Stop by at one of the many waterside ABOVE: THE FAMOUS CHRIST THE REDEEMER OVERLOOKS RIO DE JANEIRO TOP OF PAGE: BUZIOS OPPOSITE TOP: PARATY OPPOSITE BOTTOM: ILHABELA historic centre is a hub of colonial architecture and modern cafes and enjoy an Acaii. nightlife where you can also enjoy some of Bahia’s favourite dishes such as Acaraje and Bobo de Camarão. The secure downtown RIO DE JANEIRO Bahia Marina, close to the old city, can accommodate yachts up to Known as the Cidade Maravilosa Rio de Janeiro has an iconic 45 – 50 m, with a deepwater anchorage close by for larger vessels. anchorage in the Enseada de Botafogo with the stunning sight of There is plenty of nearby exploration to be had not only in Bahia de Todos os Santos but slightly South to the Morro de São Corcovado off the bow and the Pão de Azucar to port. This is an ideal spot to stay for a few days and explore the Paulo and the Bahia de Camamu. city. This eminently safe and protected anchorage is an essential See: www.camamu.net/english.php stopover on any visit to Brazil. Rio is a gateway city famed for its beaches, shopping, music and laissez faire attitude to life as well ABROLHOS The largest and richest coral reefs in the South Atlantic are found around the Abrolhos archipelago, a National Park and dive 112 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 as home to that cathedral of football the Maracana Stadium. Sunday lunch special is Feijoada washed down with a cold Chope or three. THE ISLANDS OF BRAZIL AYSS is the only worldwide network of the world’s best superyacht agents approved by Superyacht Captains ANGRA – PARATY – ILHA GRANDE Angra dos Reis and Ilha Grande are Brazil’s most popular and frequented cruising grounds and lie midway between the cities of Rio de Janeiro and São Paulo. The bay of Angra dos Reis, which incorporates a town of the same name is home to as many islands as days of the year, many offering small sandy beaches and privacy. The town of Angra has an upmarket shopping mall and Helipad. In the south west corner of this bay full of tropical islands is the beautifully preserved colonial town of Paraty close to the unspoilt tropical fjords Paraty-Mirim and Saco do Mamangua. Paraty is host during the year to renowned photographic and literary festivals as well as local cultural events and music. During Carnival there is the infamous ‘Bloco de Lama’ or ‘Mud Carnival’. This event is fuelled by ASSOCIATION OF YACHT SUPPORT SERVICES To receive the latest handbook email [email protected] For regional information and contact details for all our agents visit www.ayss.org Chope and Cachaça, some of which is exquisite and rivals any airport is easy to arrange. Don’t forget to try some of the Southern aged Grappa. Brazil wines, some of which are excellent. As a deep contrast the nearby tropical fjords offer safe anchorages surrounded by forest and with small sandy beaches. FURTHER SOUTH The whole bay of Angra dos Reis area is protected from Yachts heading south towards Punta del Este, Argentina and the Atlantic by Ilha Grande, itself well worth exploring from the Patagonia may want to explore the area north of Florianopolis sheltered anchorages at Saco de Céu to the world famous Lopes – Floripa as the locals call it. There is a new Marina at Itajai Mendes beach which is ranked among the 10 best of the world. which can normally accommodate yachts up to 40 m and has an In the bay’s hinterland there are Waterfalls to discover, Cachaça distilleries to relax in and mountain peaks to hike to, and option for larger yachts on request provided they do not exceed 4 m draught. much more to explore by foot, bike and on horseback. For the This will be useful when exploring the nearby regions sports enthusiasts there is a Golf course at Frade and there are of Camboriu and Porto Belo prior to heading further South. numerous Tennis courts in the area. There is a stretch of 350 miles without shelter until Rio Grande After all of the exercise relax with one of Brazil’s many fresh and the entrance into the Lagoa dos Patos which is navigable up fruit juices such as Maracujá. to Porto Alegre. ILHABELA Contact: [email protected] The favourite destination for residents of São Paulo seeking to escape from the city, Ilhabela is renowned for its sailing, sun and beaches, with those on the Atlantic side having some good surf. Ilhabela is a pleasantly laid back and relaxed island to spend some time around and has many small exquisite restaurants to suit all tastes. Helicopter transfer to the city of Sao Paulo international 114 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 A proud member of the AYSS >\|\| YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 115 116 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 28 31 THE PALMA SUPERYACHT CUP 22-25TH JUNE 2016 RULE RULES RULE! WORDS BY JOHN BURNIE PHOTOGRAPHY BY COLIN SQUIRE AND MICHAEL KURTZ N 22ND – 25TH JUNE THE 20TH EDITION OF 2016 Palma event was much enhanced by a splendid parade THE Palma Superyacht Cup took place in brilliant of sail (and some competitive sailing!) by a number of elegant sunshine and blue water, racing taking place as usual classic yachts in the bay on Wednesday – the day before racing in the Bay of Palma. Under the steady guidance of Kate Branagh began. This was conceived and organised by the captain of and her hard working team the Palma Superyacht Cup has Mariette, Charlie Wroe, to who we all owe a remarkable vote of quickly evolved to become one of the best superyacht events to thanks for bringing the impressive sight of acres of classic canvas participate in – it is today quite definitely on a par with all the to the bay and the line astern manoeuvres by the classic fleet top bucket events seen in other parts of the world and Kate must had many of the crews on the practising yachts in the same area take much of the credit for that. reaching for their cameras and iPhones. So as well as Charlie 22 yachts attended this year with a broad diversity of design and style on the entry list. Despite the non-attendance of OPPOSITE: GERMANIA NOVA BELOW: SHENANDOAH OF SARK FOLLOWING SPREAD: THE SCHOONERS HOLD THE LINE we must also thank all the participants for organising the ‘hors oeuvres’ before the main event. any J Class yachts (due to their programme constraints regarding The yachts that participated in the 2016 The Big Class the imminent America’s Cup in Bermuda), the glamour of the Day Sail included the magnificent Elena, Eleonora, Naema, YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 117 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 119 Moonbeam IV, Mariette, Kelpie of Falmouth, Shenandoah of Sark and Germania Nova. RIGHT: CPT. JUSTIN HOLVICK Running a Superyacht event takes an enormous amount of organisation – providing the correct venue and infrastructure is probably a key to its success. So basing the event in the picturesque Moll Vell marina area near STP adds a great deal of kudos to this event. There are fine restaurants, cafes and facilities nearby – and the old town and crew accommodation areas are all close. Sponsors have the opportunity to place tents and hospitality areas on the docks immediately behind the yachts and with a grand entrance and a fine ‘beer tent’ the event has a carnival/race village/boat show feel emanating from its welldesigned infrastructure. In recent times Superyacht Racing organisations have embraced the ORC rating system whose officers have been quick to develop their specific superyacht rule which everyone knows as ORCsy. Trying to rate a group of such diverse yachts fairly is a tricky business and ORC representatives Paolo Masserini and Alessandro Nazereth were on hand to deal with the inevitable politics of how each yacht is rated. They and the respected principal race officer Gaspar Morey had the difficult task of placing yachts in correctly balanced classes with balanced rating bands. The rating band and class splits were of particular interest to our crew. I had been invited to race on Sojana, a 115 ft Farr design owned by the well-known entrepreneur, philanthropist 120 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 Yach Ya chttFil chtF tFiil ile ile e iiss tth he per he perfe erfe fe ect too ool ol ffor or the distribution distributio on of yo on our ur pro omotion mo otio onal mat on ater ate eria iall ‒ di dirrect dire recttly y iint nto th nto the e hand ndss off y yo our po pote ten ntial clients. The pack is deliverred tto pr prof ofe essio iona nall llly-ru un yach hts and can ca n in incl clud ude brrochures, newsletterss, catalo ogu gues, di digi gital medi me ia etc tc. ‒ if it ﬁts ﬁts we e deliv ver it! Spring Ya achtFile e ‒ 200 00 pac cks to o 2000 0 yach hts Summe er Yach htFile ‒ 2000 0 pack ks to 20 000 yachts Monac co Yach htshow YachtF File ‒ 1500 packs distributted The Ya achtFile Top 500 0 ‒ 500 0 packss to 500 0 yachts YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 121 THE SUPERYACHT CUP 2016 RIGHT: ON THE BOWSPRIT OF GERMANIA NOVA and GBR sailing supporter Peter Harrison. The yacht had just been re-launched after a splendid refit at SYS in the UK having had three years out of action prior to that. This was the first time Sojana had been rated to race under ORCsy and the ORC officers were generous to a fault in helping us to establish the correct parameters to enable us to participate fairly. I have noted that in this regatta (and others I have attended) that several yachts have been accommodated in their concerns regarding rating issues and feel confident that the ORCsy rule is reasonable and fair â€“ such rules in competent hands can only be good for the future of superyacht racing. This is much enhanced by the genial and attentive attitude being shown by the officials towards any concerns raised by the competitors â€“ long may that last! So the twenty two yachts participating were divided into four classes and racing began in earnest on Thursday 22nd June. Champagne sailing conditions prevailed, if not slightly light for some of the heavier designs. The ORCsy rule allows slightly altered ratings for different sea and wind conditions so that some of the heavier boats have credit given against the lighter yachts in certain circumstances (and potentially vice versa). The bay of Palma has been the home to many regattas over the years and 122 it would be surprising if any boat at this regatta did not have of other vessels not participating. Professional racing sailors at least one crew member familiar with the tenets of wisdom participating with the crew of a superyacht has become the regarding how it is to best sail a course there. In fact many of norm at all superyacht regattas if not a necessity. Certainly the the yachts had familiar faces on the crew including captains requirement of having an experienced safety/communications YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 officer with a good knowledge of the racing rules of sailing there seems to be less ‘excessive or indulgent radio chat’ as was on the crew has become mandatory. The Superyacht Racing seen at earlier regattas – and the introduction of laser range Association (SYRA) has ISAF approved addendums to the racing finders (appropriately sponsored by Pantaenius Insurance) has rules including the mandatory 40 m separation rule as specified. undoubtedly helped as well. What is interesting is that following this rule’s introduction (of Gaspar Morey laid two courses for classes on the first an experienced communications officer being required on board) day’s racing (sponsored by Pantaenius) with the bigger boats in YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 BELOW: THE 1915 HERRESHOFF SCHOONER MARIETTE 123 ABOVE: THE FLEET SETS OFF class A and B challenged on a slightly longer distance of 26 miles. very unfair (and visa-versa where the wind has increased). In our The yachts started in sequence at two minute intervals with the class, (Class B), P2 and Ganesha, both starting after us in sequence, OPPOSITE PAGE: ONBOARD GERMANIA NOVA bigger classes starting first. I personally prefer this format (rather had already been noted as the competition to beat. On Sojana than pursuit racing) as it tends to keep yachts closer together we had a good crew headed by the Captain Loz Marriot â€“ and in wind strength. In many regattas I have felt for larger yachts in the 30 or so people on board there were a number of Sojana starting at considerably later times in a dying breeze, making it regulars including Jonny Malbon, Mo Grey and Fraser Brown. ! !# !# # !#" 124 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER %%%# !#" ! ISSUE 31 $"# # # #'"# " &#$!" ## " WORLDWIDE IS OUR LOCAL... Pinmar Supply gives you access to all the key marine brands at competitive prices, with unrivalled in-house knowledge and expertise. We will be there for you â€“ anytime, anywhere. â—? â—? â—? â—? â—? â—? Worldwide Delivery Watersports & Toys Deck Supplies Part Sourcing Interiors & Lighting Galley â—? â—? â—? â—? â—? â—? Bridge Safety Equipment Paints & Varnishes Engine Room Uniforms Chandlery VDOHV#SLQPDUVXSSO\FRPÂ˘Â˘WHO www.pinmarsupply.com Andy Beadsworth was on the helm, supported by Laurent Pages on tactics with Jim Schmicker (Farr Yacht Design) and Quinton Houry (Doyle Sails Palma) controlling the ketch rig sail plan. P2 is now in new hands having been purchased by the owner of Marie. His Captain Wes Cooper was leading his normal troupe of star sailors with Tony Rey on tactics and Paul Stanbridge on the â€˜cato-nine tailsâ€™ exhorting the crew to higher performance. Ganesha had their usual crew as well with designer Michael Benakis (still looking reasonably comfortable in a young manâ€™s role) and Warwick â€˜Wazzaâ€™ Kerr (North Sails Palma) trimming the acres of North sailcloth. Despite the light air a great battle ensued with P2 and Sojana pulling away to claim 1st and 2nd respectively. Atalante showed great speed and performance upwind with a crew of experts on board including Jens Christensen (North Sails), Joachim Kieft (Claasen) and Richard Acland (Green Marine) to name but a few. Tenaz, a yacht with more cruising orientated lines drawn by Dubois, suffered heavily in the light air and was unable to finish in the time limit â€“ causing the race officers to re-address that part of the sailing instructions. Tenaz was crewed by a range of familiar faces including Mike Joubert helming, Hugh Agnew and Gian Ahluwalia (more usually seen on Leopard) and Alexis Howard (past Captain on Windrose and Elfje) as crew boss. It was also amusing to see David Evans (more usually a Captain in the ivory YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 125 THE SUPERYACHT CUP 2016 ABOVE: GERMANIA NOVA AND SHENANDOAH RIGHT: MARIETTE tower of a Perini Navi) struggling on the foredeck with the spinnaker snuffer for a change. When competing in your own class it is always difficult to see exactly what is happening in the other classes. The dark and elegant 31 m Southern Wind, Seawave (looking rather like a Wally yacht from a distance) seemed to be doing well on the water in Class A, particularly against Mari Cha III with an allstar crew on board including ‘Juggy’ Clougher and ‘Moose’ Sanderson. But an infringement of the 40 m rule between Seawave and Saudade saw both yachts penalised allowing Win Win to take top slot followed by Unfurled. Captain Adam Bateman had his regular crew racing including Campbell Field and his father Ross Field in the afterguard. Among the all-star crew sailing on the stunning white, minimalistic yacht were the evergreen Chris Mason and Steve Branagh of Palma based RSB Rigging. Amazing how these time served experts keep going! In Class C it was heartening to see Tempus Fugit take a long deserved victory with designer Rob Humphreys onboard and Lymington Sailor Dr Ben Vines on the helm. Firebird (a new Oyster 885) and the new Stay Calm (ex Nikata) gave them plenty to think about on the race course – many of the regular 126 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 THE SUPERYACHT CUP 2016 crew were back on board with owner Stuart Robinson on countrymen competing hard on the elegant and well-travelled Stay Calm including Russell Peters and past Captain Jamie Small Frers designed Tulip. (now ashore and working with Burgess). It was good to see In the classics in Class D, Mariette and Naema were locked my old friend Captain Ruud Blanc competing well with his in their own duels with Mariette coming out on top with highly Dutch contingent on the classic Hoek design Heartbeat experienced Captain Charlie Wroe still in charge. Nick Hill, often (eventually 4th in class) and it was good to see also their fellow on Hyperion was Safety Officer on Germania Nova and several YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 ABOVE: WIN WIN CREW BELOW: UNFURLED 127 others like Steve Jackson were on the recently completed Naema for class B, C and D with Class A rounding an extra mark to add – a long term build finally on the water. distance. As the breeze came in towards the end of the race the FOLLOWING SPREAD: The sun rose to usual form on the second day of racing conditions and shorter length suited Tenaz (given Spirit of the LEFT: GERMANIA NOVA CREW and there were similar wind conditions with marginal change Regatta Prize) and they came storming in to the finish to snatch in gradient and direction. During this race some learning curve a 4th place from us – relinquishing Sojana to her worst result in RIGHT: YACHT GAIA issues on Sojana caused us to relinquish our potential second the series (5th). P2 sailed strongly to snatch her third victory in place to Ganesha, with P2 racing away to a handsome win – a row and the overall class victory with Ganesha coming second despite our highly competitive engagement with them on the again/second overall – Sojana held on to third overall despite first downwind leg. Salperton was much closer (Hugh Morrison/ the 5th in the third race. Salperton sailed well in the last race owner of Savannah and Safety officer on board finally had some to gain a respectable third place in that race. Win Win prevailed work to do!) Throughout the race the fleet were generally more in Class A to take victory over Unfurled and Tempus Fugit and engaged than the previous race which is always more interesting. Mariette both claimed the spoils in Class C and D respectively. Unhappily Tenaz again suffered in the light airs towards the later P2 and Naema entertained the docking procedure after racing part of the afternoon and struggled to finish for a second day by having a competition to see whose cannon could create the running. The order remained the same in Class A with Win Win in first heart attack! front of Unfurled. Tempus Fugit was pipped to the post by Kiboko An important part of any superyacht regatta is the social Dos with the smiling Captain Ramon Pasco bringing the well- aspect and this year the organisers did not disappoint. The happy travelled 28 m Southern Wind to victory in Class C and Mariette hours sponsored by North Sails and Southern Spars after racing reigned supreme in Class D. were enjoyed by all and the owner’s dinner at the St. Regis, Race Day 3 (St Regis, Mardavall Race Day) saw a Mardavall was reported by our owner to be a great success. slight change in the weather and the clouds heralded some After racing on Day 2 Pendennis sponsored a paddle board race stronger breeze albeit the gradient wind in the North holding between crews – much amusement was had by the spectators the surface breeze back. The race committee set a shorter course – dubious tactics and skill were all brought into play. Win Win YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 I nee ed ten n Get it to… …Sard dinia it’s got g to be light lig I’m on a new build, can ass long g two! like tha that att t you help? as it i is s but black ck k squa q re w when he by? I want ant to trade Please s set in o our jet skis… We need to o up my t p up, top to p, p please as automated automa m ova al sen end me your reports is it small Rest stock k ple plea ple ease enough g lists… … smooth th h …Antibes ti to fit into my y pocket? do yo ou deliver? ve …and d ca can we have it here re e tthis evening is it dry? W require We q long term storage… ge ttitanium m iff at all ll just aircraf i fftt a possib ble th grade g e hree h e fastene ers bit I see hundred hun d bigger y yo ou’ve now got an offic fice fic in Franc ancce… ce… of them m! Naples N a by y3 it is it is available v le w wet? in green? gre We will be W e in Canne Cannes on Sunday afternoon… on they y h have to b to be packed p in n tens four ou lots of those Wherever you are, whatever you need, we deliver. Making your life simple. From the smallest consumable to the largest engine, there’s practically nothing we can’t source. If you can think of it, we can find it. And because you have a single point of contact who fully understands your vessel’s needs, you can be sure of a prompt and reliable response in all circumstances, at all times. Talk to us today and discover how we can make your life so much easier: UNITED KINGDOM IBIZA ENGINEERING • DECK • INTERIOR • GALLEY TOOLS • CONSUMABLES • STORAGE • WATERSPORTS SAFETY & SECURITY • CLOTHING www.globalservicesltd.co.uk Here to make your life simple THE SUPERYACHT CUP 2016 prevailed in the splashing about and were delighted to be declared overall winner of the coveted Superyacht Cup 2016 – a first full regatta victory for this yacht which has shown so much potential on the circuit since her launch. So – another successful event for Palma and all aspects of Superyacht Racing in this part of the world seem to be in good hands and developing well under the guidance of those concerned. The sponsors of this regatta have contributed well to this development and I trust they will continue to remain a part of such a great Mediterranean event. Again this year three young boys, Luyolo, Buhlale and Loyiso were brought over from South Africa by Marine Inspirations, (www.MarineInspirations.org) to spend time visiting and learning all about yachting in and around Palma. During the racing they crewed on board P2, Mariette, Tenaz and Win Win so many thanks to the Owners and Captains of these yachts for their generosity in allowing these young lads the opportunity of a lifetime and the many sponsors from around Palma that contributed time and funding to help make it all happen. We are all looking forward to the 21st edition already! >\|\| 33 m Dates for 2017: June 21st – 24th About the author: John Burnie is a regular participant at Superyacht Regattas having competed as Safety Officer/Tactician at the Loro Piana, St Bart’s Bucket, Newport and Porto Cervo on yachts including HYPERION, WALLY B, LA BETE, CLAN VIII. Contact: [email protected] Contact: www.TheSuperyachtCup.com 130 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 THE SUPERYACHT CUP 2016 “Painting is easy when you don’t know how, but very difﬁcult when you do” Edward Degas Ask for one of our quotes Masterpieces by YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER 131 www.pinmar.com ISSUE 31 PALMA PIONEER PLANS PACIFIC PASSAGE IN A 8.28 m DAYSAILER! BY COLIN SQUIRE HY DOES A YACHTSMAN CROSS AN OCEAN international licences. With more than 250,000 nautical miles with a daysailer slightly longer than 8 m? Because under his belt on yachts of different sizes, Heisig is among the nobody has before! After Superyacht Captain most experienced yachtsmen worldwide. Among his eleven Philipp Heisig gained his place in the history books by successfully Atlantic crossings, he achieved in 1986 the second fastest crossing the Atlantic in an H-boat in 2001, he now intends to crossing ever sailed by a yacht. Since his groundbreaking Atlantic break another record by heading across the Pacific. passage with an H-boat in 2001 he has lived as a professional In December 2016, Heisig will put to sea in an H-boat yacht and delivery skipper. from Antigua. With a few stops at Caribbean islands, boat and Naturally putting safety first on such a trip, the boat will be crew will arrive in the Pacific through the Panama Canal. The equipped with aides quite unusual for a boat of this size. Partners Galapagos, Marquesas, Tahiti and other dream destinations and supporters of the project make the installation of an auto present themselves as stopovers, before, after about 10,000 pilot and modern navigational auxiliaries possible. nautical miles, the boat will cross the finishing line in Auckland, Nautisches Quartier from Düsseldorf will support the New Zealand. As usual when sailing, wind and weather will entire trip by providing medical assistance through the radio determine the final course. ‘We conquered the Atlantic and hope medical service NQmed/Medial Sea Desk. By satellite phone to battle the Pacific successfully’, Philipp Heisig states. Heisig has the know-how of all 32 specialised clinics of Düsseldorf The H-boat is provided by Dr. Stephan Lermer, a University Hospital at his disposal 24 hours a day. psychologist, coach and yachtsman from Munich. The H-boat is an agile daysailer with a ballast keel, designed by the Finnish builder We wish him luck! Hans Groop. Built from glass-fibre reinforced plastic (GFRP), these boats are mainly sailed for leisure and competition on major Contact: [email protected] European inland waters and in Scandinavia by crews of three [email protected] to four people. Due to its ballast keel, the shape of the hull and the low point of gravity, the boat has a high self-righting momentum. That in turn provides for a high degree of sea-worthiness. Nevertheless, it is slight enough to surf the ocean waves. ‘During our Atlantic crossing, we surfed a wave for 28 minutes doing 14 to 18 knots’, Heisig reports enthusiastically. Like many great sailors before him, Philipp Heisig originates from Bavaria and, since his youth, has lived for sailing. He obtained his first licence aged 14. Today, he is a professional yachtsman with a collection of different German and 132 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 >\|\| The voice of international yacht crew since 1991 Photograph: markoconnell.photodeck.com The PYA is 25 this year! 25 years of the The PYA’s mission is to represent the interests of Professional Yacht Personnel and to encourage and maintain the highest professional standards 1991 2016 www.pya.org AU S T R A L IA • C ORF U • G IBRALTAR • G REECE ITA LY • M A LTA • M O N TEN EG RO • N EW ZEAL AN D PA L M A • R H O D ES • SO UTH AF RICA • SPAIN S T M A A RT E N • T URKEY • UK ( THE WIRRAL ) U K ( IS L E O F WIG HT) • USA PYA SUPPLEMENT – AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 Letter from the President Andrew Schofield AVOIDING THE CHRISTMAS the interior of the yacht. Dry powder was by far the least effective on RUSH AND HOW TRAINING an interior ﬁre. Of course the ﬁre plan was updated accordingly. CAN BRING DIVIDENDS This demonstration also prompted a review of the ﬁrst response With 1.4 million seafarers all and ﬁre drill training that we do on-board. Several techniques that being obliged to attend STCW were explained during the refresher training were incorporated. I refresher training before the should add that the instructor was a retired ﬁreman. His insight and 17th of January 2017, and no increase in the number of training anecdotes served to reinforce the message. providers offering such training, earlier this year I decided to The pool session and group exercises involving the life raft get ahead of the Christmas rush, and along with four other crew served as yet another stark reminder that a life raft is the last place on members I attended STCW refresher training. I took my oral exam the planet that any mariner wants to ﬁnd themselves. before the requirement of STCW basic became mandatory, so this On the face of it, STCW refresher training is going over things that was actually the ﬁrst time I had attended STCW basic. Before the we are already supposed to know. So, what possible beneﬁt can it bring? refresher obligation, one was deemed to have done basic because Yet, quite clearly this seemingly banal training brought a huge dividend. the advanced courses were the requirement. This is true for all training be it mandatory or non-mandatory. I have to say that I learnt a lot. Despite countless drills having In yachting, there remains a resistance to training. True, the been carried out over the years (including abandon ship drills that industry has undergone huge regulatory changes in the last decade involved actually getting into a raft) and the fact that the information and created a burden of compliance that was simply not there before. was fresh in my mind, the two days proved to be time well spent. This attitude to training is slowly changing, and the PYA continues to present the voice of the industry to policy makers tasked with THE FOLLOWING ARE SOME OBSERVATIONS: writing regulation for seafarer training. The PYA’s role here is not to Firstly, because the courses are refresher courses with the aim being invent courses but rather ensure that training is relevant and focused to inject as much knowledge as possible into a short timeframe, the on the needs of large yacht crew. The association’s commitment to pace of training is faster than a longer course. This keeps it interesting Continuing Professional Development and ensuring that mandatory which was also helped by the trainers’ clear and concise delivery of training is adequately shaped to meet the needs of the Superyacht the content. Secondly, as a direct result of an excellent practical You can read more from the PYA’s Director of Training demonstration of the effectiveness of different types of extinguishers and Certiﬁcation about the association’s ongoing commitment to on putting out ﬁres, I removed over 30 dry powder extinguishers from improve the quality and relevance of training on page 141. “ The extensive and detailed preparation of the surface and superb support from ALEXSEAL in combination with an excellent product, resulted in consistently high levels of gloss, distinction of image and a superb overall finish.” Ron Kleverlaan Waterman Marine Consultancy ALEXSEAL.COM > EU: +49 (40) 75 10 30 > USA: +1 (843) 654 7755 134 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER / PYA SUPPLEMENT ISSUE 31 PYA SUPPLEMENT – AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 What is the Professional Yachting Association? The PYA exists to represent and support professional yacht crew We meticulously verify each sea service entry and add it to and has members from nearly 50 countries around the world. It your ofﬁcial MCA-approved PYA Service Record Book. As well as is a not for proﬁt association that looks after the interests of crew, proving your sea service, the SRB can be used in the same way as a and offers accurate, unbiased advice and support on certiﬁcation, Seaman’s Discharge Book to obtain extra baggage allowances from training, welfare, and regulation. airlines, and for presentation at job interviews. The PYA is the ONLY organisation committed to helping professional yacht crew in this way. The PYA is authorised to issue Yacht Rating Certiﬁcates on behalf of the MCA and publishes an MCA-approved Training Record Book and Crew Work Book. WHAT IS THE PYA DOING FOR CREW? INFORMATION: CERTIFICATION: The PYA is managed by a board of 30 council members whose many When trying to obtain a certiﬁcate of competency, the biggest years of combined experience in the yachting industry represent an problem yacht crew have is to accurately prove their time spent at invaluable resource for crew. The PYA’s knowledge of training and sea. The PYA is authorised by the MCA to verify sea service, which certiﬁcation requirements for deck, engineering and interior positions is essential to progress your yachting career. This means there is no is up to date, comprehensive and completely impartial. need to submit testimonials to the MCA, making applications or revalidations far quicker. Working with Maritime Administrations at all levels, the PYA is always ﬁrst to hear the information that matters, and we accurately The voice of international yacht crew since 1991 PYA SUPPLEMENT / YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 135 PYA SUPPLEMENT – AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 relay everything our members need to know. We can assist in queries PYA is also an accreditation administration, and has accredited many regarding ﬂag state, port state controls, regulation and much more. courses including IT, Leadership and Management, Chef, Interior, Security and the Superyacht Operations distance learning courses. REPRESENTATION The PYA encourages continuing professional education through The PYA has helped many members with issues such as non-payment workgroups, seminars and also by being part of the Yacht Qualiﬁcations of wages, unfair dismissal, lack of contracts etc. The power that the Panel at MCA for the Deck and Engineering departments. voice of the PYA has means that we are far better positioned to assist We work with the Royal Yachting Association on various crew when things go wrong than if they tried to represent themselves. educational projects, including the onboard Personal Watercraft The PYA consults with policy makers who write legislation Safety course for Owners and Guests, and more recently, following affecting the construction, operation and manning of large yachts. demand for better training at this level, on the RYA/PYA Yacht Tender Over the years, PYA has participated in numerous workgroups and Certiﬁcate for entry-level crew. steering committees to ensure the point of view of those actually working on board is known and understood. The biggest professional development provision the PYA has launched is the industry standard of training and certiﬁcation for The working environment of Seafaring is becoming more interior crew, ‘Guidelines for Uniﬁed Excellence in Service Training’ and more regulated. Therefore the work we do to champion crew’s (GUEST©). It is the ﬁrst time that the yachting sector has developed interests and the PYA’s services have never been more important. its own training standards and ﬁlled the recognised gaps in training needs with a progressional career path for an onboard department. CAREERS ADVICE With the support of industry professionals such as Crew Agents The PYA encourages and mentors new entrants into professional and MYBA Charter Brokers, and with 22 busy Training Schools yachting, as well as offering career advice to seasoned crew. PYA staff worldwide offering all levels of the GUEST© program, it has fast and council can assist crew at all stages of their careers, including become an industry standard. updates on qualiﬁcations, career mapping, CV advice, help with applications for NoE’s, Training Record Books and all aspects of Sea JOIN THE PYA Service and Yacht Service recording. In order to continue the important work we do on behalf of yacht Attending and hosting regular seminars and workshops on crew, we rely on the support of crew becoming members. We can various subjects worldwide, the PYA invites renowned industry only make changes and improvements if the PYA and the crew all professionals with topical and relevant information to inform crew of work together. changes in policy and regulations that affect them. The bigger the PYA, the bigger the voice we all have in our industry. Be part of it! TRAINING STANDARDS The PYA takes the role of yacht crew representative very seriously when it comes to quality training and professional development. The JOIN THE PYA EASILY ONLINE AT: WWW.PYA.ORG www.superyachtcaptains.com Have you joined the free private networking site for professional yacht captains? Over 1150 Captains have! 136 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER / PYA SUPPLEMENT ISSUE 31 PYA SUPPLEMENT – AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 The Superyacht Cadets Shaping the Future by Sam Watson Vincenzo Poerio, President of the ISYL Foundation, is also head of Azimut-Benetti’s megayacht division, and a keen advocate Usually when something exciting happens in yachting it concerns of going beyond the usual handover of a new build, by supporting size, speed or technology. This time it’s about people, Italian owners with crew training and management. people to be precise. The superyacht powerhouse of Viareggio in Similarly, a disconnect between the physical vessels and Tuscany has come together, with government support, to deliver what happens on board once they leave the yard, prompted course a new initiative for the training and mentoring of cadets. It’s the developers to expose cadets to the whole process, from construction ﬁrst program of its kind and, for all the right reasons, it’s going right through to getting sea time on board, creating the continuity that to shake things up. was previously lacking. Italian shipbuilding and design are renowned for being world class, but it may surprise you to know that a colossal 25% of all THE STORY SO FAR yachts above 30m are built in Viareggio. A lifelong relationship with In May 2016 in Antibes, Pietro Angelini (NAVIGO), David Piardi the sea, and shipbuilding in particular, have been in the DNA of its (Italian Yacht Masters) and John Wyborn (representing MYBA’s inhabitants for generations. Superyacht Careers Workgroup), presented an update on the At the same time, over the last 10 years the global superyacht program to a packed audience of crew agents, management and industry has been growing and maturing, creating an urgent need captains. There was also the opportunity to meet some of the 20 for more professional, career minded crew, prompting a number cadets, beautifully turned out and keen to make an impression with a of key industry players to come together to find a solution. view to getting hired. the room. It can’t be denied that Italian crews have long been overdue It was abundantly clear that the shiny white elephant had left Last year, NAVIGO, a consortium of 120 companies based in Tuscany, some good PR and in many ways this is the right ticket at the right including four major shipyards (Azimut Benetti, Overmarine, time. The cadet program is grabbing it by the horns and perceptions Codecasa and Perini Navi) established the ISYL Foundation, with are set to change. two main objectives. The ﬁrst is to make young people aware of the Twenty cadets were selected from a total of 58 applicants, career opportunities in yachting, and the second is to raise industry following a call out to Italian nautical schools across the country. standards through government sponsored training with on board Applicants had to be at least 18 years of age, with a high school mentoring. certiﬁcate proving ﬁve years of prior nautical study. The selection The result is the Cadet Program, dedicated to training Italian cadets especially for working on board superyachts. This is hugely process itself was also rigorous, involving psychometric testing, an audience with a panel and one-to-one interviews. positive for the industry, but it’s also a very smart way to inject There is only one female cadet on the program this year, but enthusiasm and opportunity into a generation of young Italians facing it’s probably unfair to lay this at Italy’s door; it’s more likely due to the high unemployment and/or limited access to on-the- job training. fact that, traditionally, nautical schools have been more associated with commercial shipping than with superyachts. Again, this is set to change. CONTINUITY AND VISION Another great Italian trait in evidence is the reverence of family. SUPERYACHT CAPTAINS AND CHIEF ENGINEERS Whether it’s kids or superyachts, when they ﬁnally leave home there’s The inaugural course, ‘Superyacht Captains and Chief Engineers’ runs a deeper sense of knowing that the job doesn’t end there. for two years and covers: General Skills and Professional and Technical PYA SUPPLEMENT / YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 137 PYA SUPPLEMENT – AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 ‘It’s already a major departure for the Italian government to allow a person with unlimited OOW certiﬁcates to get their sea time on anything that’s painted white. That was completely out of the question before, so it’s a major advance that they’ve allowed this to happen.’ John points out. However, currently the Italian government does not recognize sea time acquired on private vessels and there are good reasons for wanting to change this, for cadets as well as more senior crew. Most yachts above 80m are in private use but the experience on offer would be broader and more useful. Larger yachts are also more likely to have the space to accommodate one or two cadets for a full season. ‘I think it’s really important that we push for private yachts to be included in the scheme, and really open up the way for these guys Skills. Cadets also do all the required basic training such as STCW, to get relevant experience at a deckhand level so, when they get their Advanced Fireﬁghting, First Aid, Leadership and Team Work. qualiﬁcation, they’ve got a bunch of skills that are really useful and that will put them ahead of other people with OOW certiﬁcates in our FUTURE COURSES ARE PLANNED FOR CHEF/STEWARD, ENGINEERING AND PROJECT MANAGEMENT. industry.’ said John. More generally, this ruling has presented serious problems Having completed the classroom phase for this year, the cadets are for Italian deck ofﬁcers who need to renew their Certiﬁcates of now actively looking for employment to acquire the initial six months Competency but have been serving on private yachts. So much so that of sea time (followed by a further six months in year two). So far Roger Towner of the MCA will offer a cross-over route for Italian deck nine cadets have secured positions and the remaining 11 are actively ofﬁcers. This would imply recognition of the Italian training route up seeking employment). to a given level of qualiﬁcations, with recognition of sea time in Italian Italian Yacht Masters, an association of Italian captains, yachts for further advancement towards an MCA CoC. has been helping trainees to gain experience at sea for some This would remove a serious career block from Italian deck time, initially via their ‘Cadets Onboard’ initiative, and now via ofﬁcers by allowing them at some stage to join the more typical RYA/ ‘Superyacht Careers’, a broader program involving collaboration MCA route. Noting that the new head of the UK Ship Register, with MYBA, PYA, GEPY and IAMI. This consists of a Discovery Simon Barham, has announced a goal of doubling the size of the Day to promote careers on board yachts, an Apprenticeship Program Register by 2020, any outreach to senior deck personnel by the MCA inviting students from hospitality schools to experience hospitality might assist in that effort, if only indirectly. on board, and Cadets Onboard to facilitate sea time so trainees can access their exams. SEA TIME AND EMPLOYMENT At the end of the two years, cadets are qualiﬁed to hold the position of ON BOARD MENTORING deck ofﬁcer but they will be starting out as deckhands. The minimum As well as 12 months of sea time, cadets are required to maintain salary set by the Italian government is 650 Euros per month under a an on board training booklet, with supervision by the captain or normal seafarers’ contract (SEA). ﬁrst ofﬁcer for six months. Mentoring is a vital element, but not all In truth this should make them irresistible, and the recruitment captains want to mentor, or know how to. As Captain Rod Hatch agents present pledged commitment to placing them, despite said, ‘For most of us who want to do it, we’ve got no skill training, so a reduced fee. ‘We are able to see the bigger picture as well! said we just do the best we can. I think the idea is fantastic but I think we Laurence Lewis, Director of YPI Crew. should get something solid to underpin it.’ IYM and NAVIGO are addressing this and also considering ways to formally recognize captains who give their time to the project, perhaps with a certiﬁcate signed by the shipyard and/or MYBA. ‘It needs to be presented to captains as a scheme, and the principle organizations in the industry, MYBA, PYA etc, need to get behind it’ added John. All the same, it’s natural to wonder how the cadets themselves might feel, working alongside less qualiﬁed peers earning four 138 times as much, but the consensus among them is to take a longer term There are still a few hurdles to overcome in terms of the hiring vessel. view as they will surely reap the rewards later. Whether it causes a shift YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER / PYA SUPPLEMENT ISSUE 31 Marten Yacht Painting Advice Inspection ADVICE SURVEY INSPEC TION TRAINING SEMINARS CONSULTANCY ARBITRATION [email protected] www.mypai.nl M. +316 204 29 425 PYA SUPPLEMENT / YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 139 PYA SUPPLEMENT – AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 The challenge now is to put this back out to consultation and this in turn will impact on what ISYL and NAVIGO do in training young cadets in the future. The PYA will be working with MYBA and other parties in a combined industry effort. Three PYA council members are on the work group which is seeking to coordinate various national efforts to promote awareness of the serious career opportunities in professional yachting. They will also be reaching out to interested parties in Spain, among them AEGY, AENIB and ANEN, and with which MYBA has already collaborated on other issues. ‘If I could interest anyone from SYBAss, the Superyacht Builders Association, in joining the work group, then I will do that, so we’ve got a whole industry wide perspective.’ said John. in culture remains to be seen, but as Laurence pointed out, ‘Captains FUTURE PLANS often complain that they have crew coming in who are overly money The Cadet Program has already evolved from a local to a national motivated, so it will be a breath of fresh air for captains to see there level and the ambition now is to collaborate internationally are some other triggers towards choosing a career, initially at least.’ to harmonize training and raise standards around the globe. ‘Merging all these different projects – it’s ambitious – but ENTRY LEVEL TRAINING AND SKILLS we could aim to standardize training and certiﬁcation in different Opening up the discussion, John asked the audience for their wish list countries. This is very important and we are all trying to work in that of entry level requirements: direction.’ said David. Following the Italian lead, the initiative is likely to be mirrored in 1) Which minimum training standards would you like to see introduced other countries, possibly in France via the Ecole des Metiers, and also in for entry level crew? the UK, the primary difference being that currently Italian graduates will Suggestions included: be trained to OOW Unlimited, while UK graduates will be deckhands. Deckhands who can do food service. Interior crew who Closing the meeting John said, ‘The future is going to see a are experienced boat handlers; familiar with deck life change in terms of the way young people come into the industry, and Basic AV, IT, technology skills what they’ve done before they actually turn up at the crew agent’s 2) Which attributes, personality traits and skills would you like young door or before they start pushing the bell at the end of a passarelle. people to have when they start work? Many of them will have a skill set way in advance of what we have Suggestions included: at the moment and that will make life easier for everyone. That’s Languages, willingness, ‘can-do’ attitude, water sports, instructor what’s in the pipeline and I think it’s a very exciting development.’ courses, carpentry, diving, traditional apprenticeship skills, varnishing, There’s no doubt that superyachts will always have a need for basic painting, knowing how to behave with guests, discretion, social short-term backpackers, but a pool of pre-trained, career-minded media awareness, fender handling and line handling. talent is going to be a boon, for retention, for standards, and eventually in terms of crew culture. As David concludes, ‘The cadets are trained, Note: Regards line handling, this is the reason the MCA introduced they are motivated and they will be the future of the industry’. the EDH course and crew will now need to do this earlier as they need to hold the EDH for 18 months before sitting the OOW – this change This article ﬁrst appeared on OnboardOnline in June 2016, and has been comes into effect 1st Jan 2017. re-published with their kind permission. The area of most concern was tender driving, which is www.onboardonline.com also commonly reported as the greatest cause of stress among inexperienced crew. There was general agreement that the two day RYA course is inadequate and that there is an ongoing need for crew training with tender driving. Rod added, ‘It’s often overlooked but tender driving is also an opportunity to mature the team, as whoever is driving the tender is the captain of the tender.’ 140 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER / PYA SUPPLEMENT ISSUE 31 Image credits: OnboardOnline and Bluewater Yachting PYA SUPPLEMENT – AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 The PYA and the Training Providers: Dispelling the myths By Joey Meen, Director of Training and Certiﬁcation for the PYA Here at the PYA it recently came to our attention that a few crew We are expected to wear our PYA hats when working on (members & non-members) have concerns regarding what the behalf of PYA, and do so with the focus on ‘what is best for the crew’. PYA have been up to!!! The PYA have been accused of not only We attend monthly council meetings, offer hours of time to assist being responsible for the increased number of required training the ofﬁce and advise the members with many issues asked of us. We courses, but also criticized for having Training Providers on are also all part of active work groups and give up huge amounts of Council; we currently have three. our free time to attend meetings, shows and seminars all over the I believe these two issues are related, and I want to dispel these world, to facilitate the sharing of information and support for yacht myths. To best do this I think it’s important to perhaps start with the crew and to promote the PYA to new members. All members of the function of Council in general. PYA Council agree to adhere to a strict code of conduct in respect to conﬂicts of interest. THE PYA COUNCIL As the PYA‘s Director of Training and Certiﬁcation I head up Council are elected to bring both expertise and experience to the the CPD (Continuing Professional Development) workgroup – which table as well as to give voice to the membership. This is an unpaid, means that all issues pertaining to training and crew development land voluntary position and a privilege, and something that all council on my desk. The numerous training and certiﬁcation issues we address members take extremely seriously. We have more than half as many is only one area, albeit a major one, that the PYA deals with but, for the seagoing council as we do land based, however we need to have the sake of this article, this is the one I will be concentrating on. eclectic mix to function effectively and offer an all-round (all year) perspective to the welfare of yacht crew. As well as some retired THE VALUE OF THE PYA COUNCIL TRAINING PROVIDERS seafarers, many of the land based council members are employed Having Training Providers on Council is not a new thing, in within the various sectors within our industry, such as ﬁnance, fact many of you will remember the late Steve Emerson (Principal charter, media, brokerage, training and career advice. Most of these and Owner of Freedom Yachting); one of the founding members have relevant seagoing experience. of the PYA. Many will also remember I am sure the late John PYA SUPPLEMENT / YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 141 PYA SUPPLEMENT – AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 Percival, (Principal and Owner of JMPA / Hoylake Sailing School). fact the MCA will always swing new ideas and proposals by the PYA, Both Steve and John served on the PYA Council for many years, this does not mean we win everything- but we do always get heard. and both contributed massively to assisting the PYA and ultimately you, the crewmember, when it came to the new training issues of MANDATORY TRAINING REQUIREMENTS Training seems to be hitting a boom level – with training courses We now have John Wyborn (Bluewater), Lars Lippuner popping up all over the place, from shorebased to online courses. (Warsash) and Lynne Edwards (The Crew Academy) on the PYA With so much choice it is certainly making it more difﬁcult to weed Council. The Training Providers who give up their time to serve on out what you actually need, what you should be doing and what is, our Council are actively assisting the PYA membership to have a in fact, a scam. louder voice than ever before. We are extremely lucky to have these With regard to the increase in ‘mandatory training’, the PYA hardworking council members onboard – they help us to have the has always been at the forefront when it comes to monitoring the most comprehensive knowledge base for information sharing any implementation of additional mandatory education. For 25 years we Association can have. have been on the MCA Yacht Qualifying Panel, which has allowed They are not just Training Providers, they sit on many us to often elbow out (when possible) or ameliorate training that is other Associations and Administration boards; they have extensive not relevant. However, as our sector continues to grow many of the knowledge and experience within our sector and genuinely care about ‘new’ course requirements come directly from the regulators so as to the future of crew training in yachting. (I work regularly with them fall in line with other sectors; these increased regulations are often all and can hand on heart vouch for this). As was the case with Steve compulsory, and serve an internationally-agreed purpose to increase Emerson and John Percival, John Wyborn and Lars Lippuner are also safety and awareness – so not much we can do about that folks! able to open doors for PYA within a number of inﬂuential bodies to With the increased size of vessels in yachting, a few years ago bring a ‘yacht table’ to the various Maritime Administrations; areas the PYA fought and won to have ‘yacht service’ recognized within the where ‘yachting’ has previously been rather forgotten about. commercial sectors. With that came the ‘glass ceiling’ project, where Most importantly they are committed to our industry and to the MCA made clear that, whenever possible, they intended to ensure the crew who work at the heart of it. In their ‘day job’ they come into anything new introduced was ‘transferable training’ so that our crew contact with a huge number of crew at all stages of their careers and could more easily cross over to the commercial qualiﬁcations. What is are perfectly placed to provide feedback to the association; directly that so wrong about that? Having the foresight to keep yacht crew in from the horse’s mouth as it were. yachting for the future is clearly important to us and you! When it comes to ‘voting’ at Administration level, we do However, it seems that the PYA gets the blame here, most however wish to avoid even the slightest perception of any conﬂict of undeservedly, for taking an active role in assisting to ensure the courses interest, and always ensure that someone (usually me) is present to be are ﬁt for purpose and also for promulgating the news to the industry. the Association’s vote on behalf of the yacht crew. The Ships Cook Assessment, leading to the Ships Cook As legislation increases so does the need to better monitor Certiﬁcate (SCC) being a classic example of how the PYA got the fall out with regards to training. Consequently it is vital that ‘dammed’ by crew for creating a platform to facilitate a foreseen issue we work together to try to govern industry led standards, before under the new MLC regulations for Cooks onboard yachts. There was the Regulators start to override and control us beyond recognition. no way out of the requirement, so yes, we approached the MCA and Yachting is unique (you know this); we are NOT like other sectors, negotiated the 2.5 day assessment. We went in asking for ‘previous we are hospitality based and owner driven. If we want to be better qualiﬁcations & experience’ to be recognized as equivalent to the SCC, understood at Administration levels, so we can tell our story as it is, this was turned down, we counter acted with an ‘exam’ only request … we need to be part of these Maritime Administrations, and become and ended up with a 2.5 day practical assessment compromise. more proactive with Industry led training needs. In fact this achievement took us hours of work – including writing proposals, running ‘mock’ practical assessments following the full Ships 142 Cook Assessment (MSN 1846), attending many meetings with MCA The PYA and all the MCA approved Training Providers from around and a certain amount of persuasion to get this put in place. Why, because the world meet once a year with the MCA to discuss current and if we didn’t then all the ‘chefs’ (yacht cooks) in our sector that came future training issues. This includes problems with current courses, under the requirement, would have had to attend six months (a college exams and learning outcomes. year) of study to gain the relevant maritime cooks qualiﬁcation. The PYA have a permanent seat at the table, to be the impartial WOW; what a success – yet we keep hearing about how the player in the room and keep a beady eye on the Training Providers. In PYA did a disservice to the Chefs in our industry. The Ships Cook YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER / PYA SUPPLEMENT ISSUE 31 PYA SUPPLEMENT – AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 Certiﬁcate is NOT about high level ‘cuisine’ it’s about best practices programs available to crew that ‘ﬁll the gaps on training needs’. By of food safety, hygiene and all round knowledge of food preparation accrediting the courses, the PYA can verify that the course is ﬁt for to provide wholesome meals to all disciplines of crew onboard in the purpose and run by a bona ﬁde outﬁt! We make sure that the trainers maritime sectors. In fact it’s worth pointing out that all divisions of are qualiﬁed to teach and have the experience and formal education the UK maritime sector have always had to have a qualiﬁed Maritime background to do so. This can’t be bad can it? Is it not better to have Cook (Ships Cook Certiﬁed person onboard) and the yachting YOUR Association accredit the courses out there, so you can have community has ‘gotten away’ with it for all this time. With the 2.5 better faith in any training investment you make? day assessment in place this has also facilitated other cooks from all Through the PYA CPD Working group we also receive sectors to take an assessment based route to gaining the qualiﬁcation. feedback from many crew and we offer our expertise on actively So, due to the growing sector and with that the increase of regulations, developing training that has been asked for. Two recent examples it has left administrations (the MCA in particular) with little choice of this are the RYA/PYA Tender Operators Course and the GUEST but to implement and increase mandatory training requirements. But Program. Following a survey the PYA carried out, which was driven by the ‘mandatory’ courses are one thing, the non-mandatory courses the growing number of accidents in tenders, as well as complaints are quite another. from members about the lack of ‘ﬁt for purpose’ training available, NON-MANDATORY TRAINING we consulted with the RYA on developing a more relevant training Taking a closer look at the non-mandatory training available, it’s provision than that of Powerboat level 2 (which is only suitable for easy to assume that anything on offer is needed. Not so, and PYA daylight use – for example). We spent hours of discussions and course offer an Accreditation platform to measure learning outcomes and writing (with PYA crew members / captains and the RYA) to develop the necessity of the training in the ﬁrst place. We all know that our this ‘gap in training provision’. sector requires multi layers of knowledge and expertise – focused on The PYA GUEST program for Interior Crew Training hospitality and many other skills sets that are not found in the training (If you have been asleep – then check out www.guest-program.com of the ‘mandatory courses’. We encourage personal development for more info) is another great example of an industry developed for yacht crew and believe that there should be sufﬁcient training training provision. GUEST is run by the sector and developed as Join the Viking crew Bringing together the best industry talent, since 1988. INTRODUCING THE... MARITIME SKILLS ACADEMY in association with Viking Recruitment Ltd is a MCA accredited centre that offers STCW courses in safety, leadership and other essential maritime skills. STCW courses we are currently running include: We provide crew management services to some of the most prestigious names in the superyacht market. Services include: • Recruitment (of all positions and ranks) • Marine Travel • STCW Training • 5-Part Basic Safety Training • Security Training (SA, DSD & SSO) • Health & Safety Workplace Courses • PYA GUEST Interior Service Training For a full list of course availability visit us at maritimeskillsacademy.com or give us a call. • Global Employment & Payroll • Ofﬁcer Training (Cadetships) • Filipino Seafarers /POEA Registered For a full list of services visit us at vikingrecruitment.com or give us a call. www.vikingrecruitment.com +44 (0)300 303 8191 [email protected] MARITIME SKILLS ACADEMY www.maritimeskillsacademy.com +44 (0)300 303 8393 PYA SUPPLEMENT / YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER [email protected] ISSUE 31 143 PYA SUPPLEMENT – AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 a bespoke training and certiﬁcation path for interior yacht crew. GUEST is also often being referenced to within other Maritime An RYA & MCA training provider that undertakes training needs analysis and offers guidance to crew at any level. “Home of the original oral preparation course” - oral prep for Deck & Engineering orals is our speciality, with a high pass rate on ﬁrst attempt. • RYA Shorebased Courses sectors as a measure and indication of what can be achieved following an industry led platform. THE VOICE OF INTERNATIONAL YACHT CREW SINCE 1991 At the heart of the PYA is our mission to help crew, to advise and represent members within the industry. This role is becoming more and more demanding and more regulated as yachting grows. We are not a sector that has government funding available for training, we pay our own way on the whole, and although what we have is far from perfect, the PYA is working really hard to keep up • MCA Yacht OOW & Master Modules with the trends and needs going forward. You have to ask how much • MCA Y4, Y3 & Y2 Modules the MCA knows about the complexities of running modern yachts. If left up to them, without the assistance of the PYA and Training • Master (<200gt, <500gt, <3000gt), OOW <3000gt and Engineering Oral Preparation Courses • Mini ISM and Technical Management • Ship Stores Service (charts, publications, ﬂags etc) We limit class sizes to ensure the student:instructor ratio gives the best possible outcome for your exam and student experience. Providers worldwide, we would not have the Yacht Qualiﬁcations available at all. So who should be mapping out your career path if not the PYA? Who is best placed to understand education and training and learning outcomes for yacht crew? The PYA has quite a few hundred years’ worth of expertise and experience within council, however we can’t do it alone – it’s necessary to consult with members, industry specialists, other Associations and Training Providers to explore the training expectations and standards needed if we are to get it right. It’s worth noting that ALL yacht crew who hold the MCA Yacht Qualiﬁcations have made a living from the spadework that the PYA has invested since 1991, this spadework takes time and funding, and all the while the PYA does not make any ﬁnancial proﬁts from the working contributions we make to Administration or Training Providers. In fact we have to rely on sponsorship to facilitate the expenses for the work we do, and we do this, as volunteers, with the best interest of the crew at heart. We have always invited members to give us feedback and use their membership as ‘their voice’. But we don’t get enough crew coming to us with opinions or offering to be part of workgroups. I suspect we are indeed guilty of not engaging more with our members in this area; perhaps reaching out with surveys and list workgroup activities for members to join would be the way ahead. Whether you know it or not, the PYA is at the heart of what you do on a daily basis and has been for over 25 years. So the message is this – we invite you to tell us what you need – in fact there is a survey going out as you read this (September 2016) asking you what you need from the PYA and why. If you want your voice heard at the Yacht Qualiﬁcation Panel, you need to join the PYA and get involved. JOHN PERCIVAL MARINE ASSOCIATES (part of Hoylake Sailing School Limited) DON’T JUST BE A PASSIVE RECIPIENT OF WHAT OTHERS DECIDE; BECOME PART OF THE PROCESS. Marine House, 86a Market Street, Hoylake, Wirral, Merseyside CH47 3BD. United Kingdom. Tel: +44 (0) 151 632 4000 / +33 (0) 970449543 Skype: johnpercivalmarineassociates E-mail: [email protected] • Web: www.sailorsworld.co.uk 144 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER / PYA SUPPLEMENT ISSUE 31 PYA SUPPLEMENT – AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 Lifeguarding Skills – how important are they? By Brad Robertson, founder of Superyacht Lifeguard Attending to superyacht owners and guest requests, as well as First aid skills are obviously critical when it comes to working surprising them with small and important details, are all in a day’s on a yacht, but are these skills alone enough to ensure your yacht work for the multi-skilled yacht crew of today. Strong customer owner, guests and crew will survive a near drowning experience? service, boat handling, navigation, food safety and understanding weather conditions are only some of the skills and qualiﬁcations LET ME PAINT A LITTLE PICTURE HERE... yachting professionals are required to have and to master.This does M/Y ‘Safety’ has just dropped the anchor; deck crew ensuring the not leave much time for anything else in regards to training and slide is inﬂated, jet-skis are out, stand up paddle boards are ready, experience. But what else could there be in an industry that seems sea bobs are shiny and SCUBA and snorkel gear is hot to trot. It’s a to be more and more regulated each year? charter, eight guests, all ﬁt and very active. After working in the industry both here in the Balearics and internationally for the past seven years, our company has formed a clear picture of just how many responsibilities crew members have in the water. When you stop and think about all the different recreational activities that are conducted from luxury yachts the list seems almost endless. With so many different activities going on, sometimes all at once, it begs the question of how sharp are luxury yacht crews’ lifeguarding skills? Basic Lifeguarding skills are something that all yacht crew would beneﬁt from having, which would not only compliment their ﬁrst aid abilities but also create a truly rescue-ready team. It’s simply not enough to provide ﬁrst aid if you are unable to retrieve a victim from the water. PYA SUPPLEMENT / YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 145 REVOLUTION FUEL the very best level of service at competitive rates Our team at Revolution Fuel has over 25 years of dedicated service supplying fuel and lubricants to yachts around the world, operating with honesty, integrity and clear communication at all times. We offer a boutique quality of service at competitive rates and are fully independent of all suppliers… so we’re free to provide the best service that’s exactly right for you. Tel: +44 (0) 207 383 7072 Email: [email protected] Web: www.revolutionfuel.com A COMPANY WITH INTEGRITY High quality yacht fuel for medium/high speed diesel engines and generators 25 Years of Experience Competitive Rates Great Service High Quality Fuel Technical Support Fully Independent The four children aged between 10 and 16 all decide to go for a snorkel with one of the deck crew. The captain decides the safest plan is for the deckhand to escort the snorkelers from the tender. Mum and Dad are young and vibrant; they want to try the slide, while their friends have asked to go for a ride on the jet skis. The snorkeling kids are breath-holding underwater, pushing each other to go longer and deeper when all of a sudden the youngest child, on ascent, blacks out at 5m. Unfortunately for him he has no natural buoyancy and being unconscious takes in a lot of seawater into his lungs and begins to sink. The bottom is only at 8m and this is where the child lays. The other kids are hysterical; the tender driver jumps in un-aided and tries to swim down to get him, with no success. Panic is imminent amongst the younger crew and the senior deck crew grab some scuba gear and ďŹ nally get down to the boy. We donâ€™t know how this turns out but we certainly all hope for the best. What we do know is that the ďŹ rst few minutes are the most critical when it comes to removing an unresponsive person from the water in Worldwide specialized coating consulting and inspection technical services â€˘ â€˘ â€˘ â€˘ â€˘ â€˘ â€˘ Inspections Arbitration Expertise Specification Failure analysis Insurance inspections Coating condition surveys For more information contact Nico RĂśper order to successfully provide CPR and arrange EMS and evacuation. Basic breath-hold, lifeguard and supervising knowledge and skills would undoubtedly have created a much faster rescue time in a scenario like this. Karel Doormanweg 5 âˆŤ 3115 JD âˆŤ Schiedam âˆŤ The Netherlands OďŹƒce tel.: +31(0)10 2681495 âˆŤ Mobile tel.: +31(0)6 51018231 E-mail: [email protected] www.atlaspaintconsultants.com We keenly encourage the yachting industry to embrace pro-activeness and prevention planning of in-water accidents. All that is required is a small amount of time and effort to ensure that your crew are 100% rescue-ready when supervising their guests during in-water activities. Basic breath holding, lifeguarding and in-water knowledge and skills are not difďŹ cult, but they can be vague if a qualiďŹ ed professional does not show it to you. Once demonstrated, the â€˜common senseâ€™ element is very obvious. BRADFORD MARINE 7KH7UXVWHG/HDGHULQ<DFKWLQJ6LQFH 'RFNDJH)HHV:DLYHG'XULQJ6HUYLFH I will leave you with a few questions and if you have any comments regarding in water supervision and rescue we would love to hear from you. â€˘ How rescue-ready are your crew? â€˘ What is the level of in-water conďŹ dence amongst your crew? â€˘ Do you think this is an area of the industry that could be improved? Brad Robertson [email protected] Brad is the founder of Superyacht Lifeguard, which offers yacht crew worldwide the PYA-accredited short course on Superyacht In-Water Supervision & RescueÂŠ as well as the new SSI Lifeguard course. www.superyachtlifeguard.com )XOO6HUYLFH6KLS\DUGÂ˛5HĂ€W 5HSDLU6HUYLFHV 50 <HDUVRI6HUYLFH 11,000â€™ &RYHUHG'RFNDJH 150 6NLOOHG&UDIWVPHQ Contact Jimmy Floyd in Florida or Dan Romence in the Bahamas Â‡6HUYLFH#%UDGIRUG0DULQHFRP %UDGIRUG0DULQHFRPVHUYLFH PYA SUPPLEMENT – AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 The Crew Work Book and the PYA’s endorsement of continuing professional development Earlier this year, the Professional Yachting Association (CPD) to enhance their skills and gain a competitive edge at every updated its Crew Work Book, which is issued to Cadet Green stage of their career. As part of the update, the Crew Work Book PYA members (junior deckhands and engineers) and Interior now features an additional section for recording CPD, which allows PYA members. The Crew Work Book is the perfect way to begin attendance at many workshops and seminars throughout the year recording sea service from the start of a seafarer’s career. to be recorded and stamped in. Whilst Continuing Professional This is something that should be actively encouraged for all our Development is not mandatory, demonstrating that the crew member crew, as an accurate log of sea service is essential to progress in has taken the time and commitment to develop their skill set and the industry. knowledge is widely recognised by Captains and recruiters as a The Crew Work Book follows a similar format to the MCA- ACREW deliver worldwide events for Superyacht crew the crewmember is ready to upgrade to full PYA membership facilitating professional development opportunities across all (usually after 18 months or so in the industry depending on their departments. Their programme of free workshops and interactive circumstances) the information can easily be transferred across. Crew learning sessions held at shipyards, marinas and yacht shows continues can have their original certiﬁcates stamped in to the Crew Work book, to expand to meet the needs of today’s career crew. The PYA has taken and can record their time spent at sea, time in the yard, time on stand an active role and has worked with ACREW to endorse the content by and even time spent with guests on-board (for interior crew). They of certain workshops on offer. In order to receive PYA endorsement, can get the Captain or management company to sign the ofﬁcial sea the content and facilitator of each workshop is carefully veriﬁed by service testimonials featured within the book, whilst developing good our Training and Certiﬁcation department. We continue to work with habits at an early stage with regard to recording their time spent at ACREW to endorse more and more of the content they offer, all of sea. It is amazing how many crew members we meet who have gone which can be stamped into the crewmember’s book. In addition to the years without properly recording their sea service, then suddenly ACREW events, there are also PYA events throughout the year, which ﬁnd themselves needing to backdate everything when they want to are also widely recognised as Continuing Professional Development progress their career to the next level. Believe us, starting early and and can be recorded in the book. keeping on top of it will make your life so much easier! 148 positive factor when hiring crew. approved PYA Service Record Book, which means that when To ﬁnd out more about the CPD events being delivered by The PYA is committed to maintaining the highest professional ACREW, visit www.acrew.com . The programme operates globally standards in the yachting industry. The association encourages all and offers a wide variety of learning sessions for all departments and yacht crew to take part in Continuing Professional Development career stages. YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER / PYA SUPPLEMENT ISSUE 31 PYA SUPPLEMENT – AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 The PYA’s plans for the Monaco Yacht Show 2016 Following on from our successful programme of seminars, problems or queries they might have. We will be hosting our headline workshops and networking at the Monaco Yacht Show last year, Sea Changes Forum as well as a new exciting addition, ‘The Big One’ the Professional Yachting Association is planning another jam- at the headquarters of the International Hydrographic Organization packed schedule of informative sessions for this year’s event. on Thursday 28th. We will be partnering with ACREW at their crew lounge at Here is the PYA’s programme of activities at time of going to the Rascasse, in the heart of the port. We will be hosting two full press, which may be subject to some changes by the time of the show. afternoons of activities for crew there, on Wednesday 28th and Friday Make sure to check our website and Facebook page for the up-to- 30th September. The PYA team will also have a permanent desk date itinerary for the show. You can sign up for all these events on our there throughout the show to talk to crew and assist them with any website www.pya.org WHO’S IT FOR? PYA Table-setting competition 10:00 – 15:30 Yachts in the show can enter the annual table-setting competition, where they will have a chance to wow a team of judges with an elaborate table display in accordance with this year’s theme (check the PYA website for further details on this at the time). The expert panel of judges will step on-board at a pre-scheduled time on Wednesday 28th. There are some excellent prizes to be won for the best displays. This is a PYA GUEST initiative to promote continuing professional development and standardisation of training for interior crew within the yachting sector. For interior teams whose boats are in the show Captain Ian Biles of the Maritime Training Academy will present a hands on training session for deckhands, which will give insight into some of the vital skills they need to know for their future careers on-board. Deck crew from entry level to 2 years in the industry Richard Falk from the RYA and Brad Robertson from Superyacht Lifeguard join forces to address safety when using water toys with guests, and lifeguarding skills to use in the case of emergency. This interactive session should not be missed for all those tasked with supervising guests in the water. Any crew member working with water toys and activities The Professional Yacht Association (PYA) provides an insider guide on how to prepare for and apply for the range of qualiﬁcations needed to progress your career on deck. The workshop will cover the application process for MCA NoE leading to a CoC; Required certiﬁcates for application to OOW or Masters, certiﬁcate updates, expiry dates and limitations; Sea Service – how to record sea service, good practices, veriﬁcation, testimonials; Training Record Book (for Yacht Ratings and OOW): guide on how to complete your TRB, do’s and don’ts, essential tasks and assessments; Training: prerequisites, guidelines on how to get the most out of your courses, exam expectations. Deck crew looking to do their OOW and further their career On-board throughout the show The role of a Superyacht deckhand 14:00 – 14:50 ACREW Lounge, Rascasse Superyacht Toys and Watersports – managing these safely and dealing with emergencies 15:00 – 16:00 ACREW Lounge, Rascasse Sail through your deck qualiﬁcations with the PYA 16:10-17:00 ACREW Lounge, Rascasse Whatever stage of your deck career you are currently at, the most recent information and updates will be shared about the required qualiﬁcations for the next step on the career and qualiﬁcations ladder. PYA SUPPLEMENT / YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 149 PYA SUPPLEMENT – AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 THURSDAY 29TH SEPTEMBER ACTIVITY WHO’S IT FOR? PYA Sea Changes Forum Late Afternoon. Exact time TBC Refer to PYA website Key professionals and inﬂuencers come together to bring us up to date with all the latest changes in certiﬁcation, regulation and training. Speakers will include experts from the MCA, RYA and PYA as well as training providers. Captains, Senior Crew, Heads of Department, Industry Professionals, Media International Hydrographic Organisation, Port of Monaco ‘Laying the Blame – a Disaster at Sea’ Early evening. Exact time TBC Refer to PYA website. International Hydrographic Organisation, Port of Monaco This is where you need to be for ﬁrst hand, up-to-date information affecting every aspect of the industry, now and going forward. A high-proﬁle accident on-board a Superyacht… a celebrity death… the media are circling like vultures digging for details on what led to this catastrophe… Captains, Senior Crew, Heads of Department, Industry Professionals, Media But could the tragedy have been avoided and whose neck is on the line when the questions start being asked? A dramatic scenario will be played out in which keys issues affecting crew and guest safety will be challenged and addressed. Not to be missed! Drinks reception on the roof terrace of the International Hydrographic Organization. For attendees of the PYA Sea Changes Forum and ‘Laying the Blame – a Disaster at Sea’ ACTIVITY WHO’S IT FOR? Interactive GUEST Training session 14:00 – 15:20 A snapshot of some of the skills that crew can expect to master as part of the PYA GUEST Interior Training program. Led by the industry’s top Interior trainers, this hands on session will show interior crew how they can gain more conﬁdence in delivering the owners’ and charter guests’ experiences on-board. Interior Crew Updates from the PYA GUEST Program. Interior Crew, Media, Industry Professionals Networking drinks for attendees of the PYA Sea Changes Forum and ‘Laying the Blame – a Disaster at Sea’ Timings TBC. Refer to PYA website. International Hydrographic Organisation, Port of Monaco FRIDAY 30TH SEPTEMBER Acrew Lounge, Rascasse World Chef Awards 15:30 -16:00 Acrew Lounge, Rascasse PYA Sea Changes Interior Seminar 16:10 – 17:15 Results of the PYA table-setting competition. Acrew Lounge, Rascasse At the time of going to press, the PYA’s activities at MonacoYacht Show are sponsored by MYBA andYACHTii. www.SuperYachtEngineer.com Engineers – to join for free visit the above website and click on ‘Apply for membership’ 150 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER / PYA SUPPLEMENT ISSUE 31 PYA SUPPLEMENT â€“ AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 Maritime Training Academyâ€™s industry acclaimed Diploma in Superyacht Operations will enhance your knowledge and excel you in your career. By covering the essential day-today operations offshore and much more - you will master the skills of running a Superyacht with success and efficiency. Gaining the competitive edge is essential for personal and professional development in this fast-paced industry. With this internationally recognised distance learning course, you can continue to learn whilst you earn, and at the same time increase your industry expertise. 10% PY A Membe r Discoun t Contact us today t: +44 (0)1252 739779 e: [email protected] maritimetrainingacademy.com SYLLABUS An Introduction to the Superyacht Industry Operational Management New Building Project Management Interior Management and Catering Legal Aspects of Superyacht Management The ISM Code Security and ISPS Superyacht Insurance Repairs and Maintenance Industry Personnel Accounting Chartering The Diploma in Superyacht Operations is supported by: Professional body PYA SUPPLEMENT / YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 151 PYA SUPPLEMENT – AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 © KATIEJANEHOWSON Guest Awareness Workshop Onboard MY Moonlight II in Nice Sponsored By Burgess 152 In Nice, on the 24th of June 2016, the Professional Yachting high-end education being offered through the GUEST program and Association GUEST program held another successful ‘Awareness how it could affect their clients. Day’ onboard the Burgess managed 91m Motor Yacht Moonlight. Joined by a team of GUEST Approved Trainers from all over Attended by over 20 charter brokers from a range of top brokerage the world, June’s Awareness Day onboard Moonlight II comprised a houses including Burgess, YCO, Northrop and Johnson, YPI and variety of fun and interactive workshops giving participants a taste of Worth Avenue Yachts, the day was a great success and thoroughly a selection of the practical elements taught in the actual training, as enjoyed by all. well as an explanation of where the training program came from and Created with the aim of raising awareness of GUEST within how it came into being. There was also lively discussion around issues the brokerage and management community, these Awareness Day arising from non-trained crew, giving the PYA essential feedback in events are designed to both inform the attendees about the beneﬁts of order to continue focusing on the training needs of crew in general the GUEST Program and demonstrate the level of training involved. and the interior in particular. As an Association it is vital the PYA ensures the upper echelons of The day was introduced by PYA Director of Training and the yachting industry have a full understanding and awareness of the Certiﬁcation and founder of the GUEST program, Joey Meen, who YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER / PYA SUPPLEMENT ISSUE 31 PYA SUPPLEMENT – AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 © KATIEJANEHOWSON gave participants a brief history of how the training was developed trainer Sarah Whitlock acted as a variety of different ‘challenging’ and why it is so essential in our industry, before handing over to guests, putting the participants to the test in terms of how to MY Moonlight II’s Captain to say a few words on his experience of appropriately behave and respond. GUEST. Having recently invested in an on-board GUEST accredited Following this the group were treated to a session on training program for his interior crew, Captain Theodore spoke ﬂower arranging on the top deck, hosted by Sachiko Katsurada of extremely highly of the calibre and content of the training, and the The Crew Academy, who demonstrated an easy technique for creating vast increase in conﬁdence and competence he has seen in his interior a beautiful bouquet, as well as sharing her very helpful tips and crew as a result. tricks for ﬂoral arrangements and the care of tricky indoor plants The programme for the day then kicked off with accredited such as orchids. GUEST trainers Lynne Edwards and Sarah Whitlock of The Crew Next the Art of Laying a Table & Service Styles was hosted Academy and Georgie Vintner of Yachtwork who hosted a highly by Peter Vogel & Renata Balla of Interior Yacht Services, who put entertaining and informative session on the importance of etiquette the attendees through their paces, teaching them the intricacies of and understanding protocols for guest interaction. Much to the synchronized service and discussing the many different theories amusement of the audience, experienced ex Chief Stewardess and about the ‘correct’ side to serve and clear from, depending on the © KATIEJANEHOWSON PYA SUPPLEMENT / YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 153 PYA SUPPLEMENT – AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 nationality and culture of the guests being served. This session was held in the dining room where the beautiful glass topped tables showcased gorgeous sculptures underneath, giving guests a taste of the opulent surroundings our interior crew must maintain and respect in the course of their work. Having earned their lunch, the groups then reunited on the upper aft deck for a sumptuous buffet lunch prepared by Chef Ruth Williams, brought in for the day by specialist chef recruitment agency Amandine, and whose founder Kate Emery was also part of the Awareness day attendees. With a mouthwatering selection of delicious quiches, salads and desserts, the group enjoyed a lively lunch where they were joined by Sarah Lycett of Monaco-based Riviera Radio who was on hand to interview participants about their experience of the day. After lunch the group split into smaller teams for a fascinating session about cabin set up and turn downs, as they rotated through a range of settings and scenarios in Moonlight II’s opulent cabins. Hosted by Peter Vogel, Lynne Edwards, Sarah Whitlock, Georgie Vintner & Renata Balla these sessions made guests Q Quotes from the attendees who joined us says it all! ‘This has been a great experience and the GUEST program is deﬁnitely necessary for the industry. As a charter broker, it has made a real difference to see what goes on behind the scenes and what is required to create the guest experience.’ - Nickie Vincent, Worth Avenue Yachts ‘I worked as a stew for 10 years and honestly for the ﬁrst few years I had no idea what was going on. This training would have been so beneﬁcial to me and others; so many stews have no awareness of guest expectations. It is an excellent training initiative.’ - Laure Sawrey, Camper and Nicholson (and ex chief stew) ‘[The day] was great and I found it very beneﬁcial, I will deﬁnitely be an advocate for the GUEST training program from now on! Thank you very much for the opportunity.’ - Eleanor Bloodworth,YCO ‘[The Awareness Day] was very interesting and covered the main Interior Departments. This training should be mandatory to all interior crew members in order to give the 5* service expected by our clients. I am so glad that ﬁnally this program exists and will be suggesting it to all crew.’ - Nathalie Andreu, KK superyachts care of in order to make guests feel comfortable in their ‘Great team, great trainers with loads of experience and keen to share – thank you for an amazing day’ - Nathalie Berti,Yachting Concept new ‘home’ from the ﬁrst moment they arrive. ‘GUEST training should be mandatory for every yacht’ aware of all the minute details interior crew must take The groups then reunited in the upper deck lounge for a session with Georgie Vintner and Alison Rentoul of The Crew Coach, on team communication and leadership. Georgie kicked off the session with ‘I have deﬁnitely come away having learnt something new; it is a comprehensive and cohesive programme’ ‘The GUEST Awareness day has exceeded my expectations, it was a clear and informative day’ a great exercise, challenging teams to create the tallest structure possible with clay balls and toothpicks in 3 minutes, Topping off a wonderful day, Peter Vogel then presented afterwards inviting them to analyse their communication in relation to Moonlight II’s interior crew with their ofﬁcial GUEST training the success or otherwise of the group project. certiﬁcates, to rousing applause by the Awareness Day participants Alison then went on to reveal some thought provoking statistics who were touched to see the pride and gratitude of the students as about the rate of growth in the industry: by 2020 we will need 20,000 each received their certiﬁcate along with a glass of bubbly to celebrate. new crew and 40% of these (8,000) will be interior. Alison used these statistics to highlight the real need to better train and retain high With kind thanks to the sponsors of the event – Burgess, Interior Yacht quality candidates in order to meet the growing demand for excellent Services, The Crew Academy, Neko, Sachi Flowers, Onshore Cellars, crew. This led into a sample leadership training session on Situational Amandine, Katie Jane Howson Private Photographer. Leadership, explaining the importance of applying different leadership styles at different stages of development on different tasks. Industry recognised as the global training standard for Interior Superyacht Last but not least, the group moved outside to enjoy a crew, the PYA GUEST program aims to inspire, educate and support fascinating wine tasting session hosted by wine expert Paul Hammond current and future Stewards and Stewardesses working in the interior of Onshore Cellars. Focusing on sparkling wines, Paul took the group department of the luxury Super Yacht sector. through an interesting journey of discovery, explaining the variety of 154 processes involved in creating the wide variety of these popular wines, For further information about the GUEST training curriculum or future from every day prosecco and cava to vintage Champagnes. industry awareness days please see www.guest-program.com YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER / PYA SUPPLEMENT ISSUE 31 ISTANBUL, KUSADASI, BODRUM, MARM ARIS, GOCEK, ANTALYA Wherever You Are In Turkey, World Yachting Is Ready To Serve Your Every Need – 24 Hours A Day • TRANSIT LOG & CUSTOMS FORMALITIES • VISAS • PROVISIONING • • DUTY FREE DIESEL • ALL VIP SERVICES • RESERVATIONS • WORLD YACHTING is perfectly placed to cater for your every need. WORLD YACHTING official registered yacht and shipping agency HEAD OFFICE 48310, Gocek, Fethiye, Turkey Tel: +90 252 645 24 74 VHF: Channel: 73 24/7 SUPPORT Gerhard: +90 532 789 20 93 Email: [email protected] Mehmet: +90 533 025 97 82 Email: [email protected] www.worldyachtingturkey.com Member of the Associaton of Turkish Travel Agencies HPL$FHQWDF×O×ù×<HWNL%HOJHVL 2IÀFLDO5HJLVWHUHG<DFKW 6KLSSLQJ$JHQF\ 0HPEHURI'HQL]7LFDUHW2GDV× Chamber of Shipping PYA SUPPLEMENT – AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 GUEST Training Awareness Day Next up, Terry Gilmore showed the attendees the secrets behind laying the perfect guest table. Encouraging the crew to work together to ensure that every angle of the table was immaculately presented, Terry demonstrated insider tips and tricks from his many years in high-end service. On the 14th May 2016, the PYA hosted two interactive Finally Peter Vogel rounded off the workshop with a masterclass GUEST training sessions for interior crew at the Royal Beach in the art of serving guests at a table. Many crew do not know the Hotel in Antibes. The drive behind these sessions was to showcase correct way to serve, and this was clear when the students started some of the skills that crew can expect to master as part of the trying to get to grips with perfectly timed and seamlessly executed GUEST program. service. To begin with, they were all over the place, serving guests from Born out of a demand from the Superyacht Industry, the alternate sides, placing the plates at different times, and interrupting GUEST program developed and established bespoke training the guests with their body positioning. Peter’s intricate service ‘plan’, speciﬁcations for interior crew. As the front line for owners and though tricky to grasp, showed the students how important it is for guests, it is fundamental that Interior crew have the level of in-depth everybody to be in the right place at precisely the right time, and to knowledge, skill and conﬁdence that is essential to be able to offer the be aware of the rest of your team at all times. high-end service and hospitality required on-board Superyachts. knew putting down a plate could be so complicated’. However, after standard for Interior Superyacht crew. In addition to the training much practising, the students had mastered near-perfect synchronised beneﬁts it also offers Interior crew a clearly deﬁned career path to service which would impress even the most demanding of guests. follow and provides prospective employers with tangible evidence of the crew’s commitment to service excellence. Mastering these skills is fundamental for anybody wanting to make a serious career in the yachting industry, and the GUEST During the three-part introduction to the program, the Training Awareness day highlighted to all those who attended that enthusiastic students were expertly coached by three GUEST even though they may have thought they knew it all, professionalising training providers. Lynne Edwards kicked off the session with a oneself by being formally trained in these disciplines is an essential guide to etiquette dos and don’ts. Subjects covered included personal step towards the kind of 7 star service that owners and charter guests presentation and grooming, as well as protocol with guests, dealing expect in the Superyacht industry. with different cultures and religions, acceptable greetings and forms of address. © VALERIE STUDIO PHOTOGRAPHY One stewardess said what everybody else was thinking ‘I never GUEST is now clearly recognised as the global training YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER / PYA SUPPLEMENT ISSUE 31 To ﬁnd out more about the GUEST program, please visit www.guest-program.com PYA SUPPLEMENT – AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 Food and wine pairing tips to impress your guests by Louise Sydbeck, Master of Wine, Riviera Wine Food and wine pairing is probably one of the most enjoyable and meat is that both wine and fun aspects of wine training and although most wines works with food are full ﬂavoured and most foods there are deﬁnitely some good rules to know about in spicy. A lighter red wine order to impress your owner or charter guests. Be it a lunch on like Beaujolais on the other the beach or an exclusive dinner on the aft deck, these guidelines hand would not be able to will assist you in ﬁnding dazzling combinations and keep the compete with the intense guests happy. A key factor is personal preference, of course most spiciness of the BBQ ﬂavours. A classic rule that also would ﬁt under people prefer a powerful red wine with steak and white wine with this heading is white meat with white wine (or light red) and red meat ﬁsh, but there is nothing wrong with drinking a red Barolo with with red wine. salmon if that´s what you enjoy. Personal preference put aside, here are some suggestions to help ﬁnd the best match, and avoid ACIDITY some terrible ones. To pair acidic food with wine, the wine needs equal or higher acidity than found in the food to create balance. Gambas with a lime STAY LOCAL dressing for example would go well with crisp wines such as Chablis, Many wines, especially in the old world, have been made to suit local Sauvignon Blancs, Chenin Blancs or Rieslings, which are naturally food. If in doubt about what to serve, a local wine can be a good place high in acidity. A low acid wine would taste very neutral and ﬂat due to start for local cuisine. For example, much Italian food is based on to the high acid content of the lime dressing. tomato and garlic; both very high in acid and the majority of Italian wines are also high in acid and are therefore often a good match. SWEETNESS Another example is goat cheese with Sauvignon Blanc. Sancerre and How nice is it to eat a lemon tart for dessert together with the red wine Pouilly Fumé (both made of Sauvignon Blanc) are perfect matches left over from the main course? Both the dessert and the wine go to for goat cheese, which is produced in this region. Other examples waste. Sweet food needs sweet wine, otherwise the wine will taste sour are boeuf bourgignon with red Burgundy, oysters with Muscadet or and the dessert will not show its full potential. The wine should be at trufﬂes with Barolo. least as sweet if not sweeter than the dessert. Great combinations are, for example, Chocolate desserts and red Port (or the French dessert WEIGHT wines from Banuls and Maury). Fruit desserts beneﬁt from a fruitier One of the main considerations is weight; a light bodied wine is white wine such a Muscat. Muscat de Beaume de Venise is a nice suitable for a light weight food. If for example, one were to serve a fresh suggestion. full-bodied creamy Chardonnay to accompany a light salad, the wine would be overpowering and the salad tasteless. The goal of food and FAT wine pairing is to have the wine and food co-exist and allow each to Although I mentioned that weighty food should have full-bodied express its character without being dominated by the other. A better wines, fatty foods can be different. Sometimes it is better to have suggestion for a light salad would be a fresher and crisper wine such a counter-balancing high acid wine to create the best match. as a Pinot Grigio or a Sauvignon Blanc. On the other hand a heavy Smoked salmon for example, is heavy and fairly fat and yet a perfect weight food, such as a mushroom risotto would overpower a light combination is Champagne or Chablis. The naturally high acid in bodied wine and then the oaky creamy Chardonnay would be a good these wines will cut through the fat and make the meal seem lighter choice. Flavour is another important aspect. A full ﬂavoured wine will Generally speaking combining red wine with fish is NOT overpower a very mild dish and vice versa. The reason why a Barossa recommended, and if you don´t know what you are doing or have Shiraz (full in both ﬂavour and body) is a great match for BBQ not tried the combination before, I recommend choosing a white PYA SUPPLEMENT / YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 157 PYA SUPPLEMENT – AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 wine. Red wines contain tannins, and these tannins, in combination with certain ﬁsh (rich in umami) create a metallic and bitter taste, which can be quite unpleasant. As always though with wine, there are of course exceptions; reds that do work well with meatier ﬁsh are low in tannins and fairly light on body such as Beaujolais or red Sancerre. HOT SPICE In my opinion this is the trickiest food to match with wine. Sensitivity to chilli heat varies greatly from one person to another so this is very dependent on personal preference. I would suggest that the best matches are with off-dry to medium sweet white wines from Alsace (Pinot Gris and Gewürztraminer). This makes a lovely match with the However, although I agree with the concept of flavour exotic spiciness and can even soften a hot dish. High acidity should balancing, I can´t help wondering if past traditions and deeply rooted be avoided, as should tannins, since this can make the heat even more guidelines haven´t already formed our taste. In tasting classes we intense and hard. have experimented with different dishes and wines. Despite the fact that a Margaux (red wine from Bordeaux) tastes ﬁne with perch in FLAVOUR BALANCING a white wine sauce as long as the acid and salt levels are correct it is One would think that the above would be enough when it comes to never a combination I would choose in a restaurant. I am also under food and wine paring and it indeed goes a long way in ﬁnding a good the impression that most people really prefer a crisp white wine match. However, a piece on this topic without the latest viewpoints when they eat ﬁsh and a fuller red wine with a steak (even if it is would be incomplete so here follows an introduction. just a programmed concept by tradition). My guess is that the classic The key person and the driving force behind the new guidelines will stay for many years to come and the ﬂavour balancing developments is Tim Hannai, a Chef and a Master of Wine. He has will serve as a very interesting complement and as a topic to play with conducted extensive research on the topic over the past 20 years and in tasting classes and experimental restaurants with experienced chefs come to the conclusion that most of what is generally considered as and sommeliers. a guideline such as red meat with red wine or seafood with white Finally, pairing wine with people – as mentioned above – is wine are only myths. According to Tim, any wine with any food is perhaps the most important aspect. Wine is made for our enjoyment ﬁne as long as the seasoning is adapted accordingly; so called ﬂavour and whoever is drinking the wine is of course the ultimate judge of balancing. Many chefs around the world are now adopting this way if a match is good or not. When I started my wine-drinking career of thinking and international wine education programs have changed in my late teens I thought sweet Asti Spumante was a great match their syllabus to incorporate the new ﬁndings. with pasta and ketchup, which I must say I do not think any longer! Simply put, there are two components in food that makes the Another example came from a client of mine whom had served Petrus wine taste bitterer and less fruity and these are sweetness and umami. (a legendary super expensive Bordeaux wine) with Hamburgers to Two other components in the food, salt and acid, will render the wine her charter guests and although a highly extravagant pairing, that is a fruitier, less acid and smoother. To experience the ﬁrst effect you can match I wouldn´t say no to! pair a sweet dessert with a dry wine and see how the wine changes and 158 loses its fruit and roundness, becoming hard and bitter. Or try some Louise Sydbeck MW is the founder and director of Riviera Wine; a ﬁne asparagus or smoked salmon (both high in umami) with a dry tannic wine supplier and educator to the yachting industry, based in Antibes. red wine and you will have similar effect. In other words, umami and Louise has spent all of her professional life in the wine trade working sugar in food diminishes the enjoyment of the wine. To experience as sommelier, wine judge, teacher and consultant.The pinnacle of her career an enhancing effect of a wine, put lemon or salt on any type of food was reached in 2014 when she became the 100th woman in the world to be and see how the wine becomes more fruity and round. It is quite awarded the prestigious ‘Master of Wine’ title. surprising to see how smoked salmon and asparagus is a terrible She now leads the Riviera Wine team, offering WSET wine combination with dry red wine but when lemon and salt is added the courses, yacht cellar consulting and evaluation, purchase advice and the combination actually works ﬁne. organization of exclusive tastings for both crew and owners. YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER / PYA SUPPLEMENT ISSUE 31 PYA SUPPLEMENT – AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 PYA Activity Report Spring / Summer 2016 The following is a list of external meetings the PYA has attended on behalf of its members. This activity report lists meetings throughout Spring and Summer 2016. A brief explanation has been included to illustrate the relevance of these meetings. For full reports go to www.pya.org 3RD – 5TH FEB focus on training issues. Steve Monk and Joey The PYA contributed to the discussions as part Meen hosted a workshop entitled “Examining of the panel on ‘The Big Challenge of Crew the regulations, procedures and pick-ups of on- Management’. This workshop gave great insight board crew training” which resulted in lively to how Captains feel about the current generation debate amongst the attendees. of crew entering the industry, training, and Everyone agreed that current courses need social issues pertaining to crew retention and to be consistent in what they teach. Different crew management. There was a very positive schools teaching different methods for the same reaction to the GUEST Program, with the activity is confusing for crew. On-board training bespoke GUEST Management and Leadership was identiﬁed as a good platform to back up training for yacht HoD’s showing a great and reinforce learning outcomes. There were example of how training can be industry led. concerns about who was training the on-board Attended by Andrew Schoﬁeld and Joey Meen mentors (crew) due to inconsistent practises and personal preferences, and that there was a need 25TH FEB WORLD ASSOCIATION OF CHEFS SOCIETIES to ensure this training was uniﬁed. MEETING Many felt that the current training provisions PYA signed a MoU with WACS where PYA and were not healthy to the sector, as they often do not WORLDCHEFS will each recognise the other as meet the needs. Much of the feedback was focused an Associate Member of their organisations. PYA on the culture to pass exams rather than learn and WORLDCHEFS have jointly developed anything useful or long term. a Reward Scheme that will make it possible The PYA suggested that crew need for Cooks and Chefs working in the yachting to study and understand the courses they’re sector to gain the Worldchefs/PYA Professional attending, particularly as they progress up the Culinary Certiﬁcation Awards qualiﬁcations. career ladder. The training provisions are there Attended by Joey Meen to not only teach them new things but also to ensure they understand what should have been 13TH MAR covered in the basics on board. Pre-joining BENETTI YACHT material or task books to be completed before An informative day of workshops showcasing attending the course would help. the various areas of training within the GUEST This was an interesting and useful event, Program. The attendees were all very impressed and a good platform to share opinions – but with the GUEST Program, and recognised the not necessarily to get results. However through enormous potential the program has to make a associations and media maybe it’s a starting signiﬁcant, positive impact on all those involved point to gain traction for improving across the in the Superyacht industry, from yacht owners to board training issues. managers and of course to the crew themselves. Attended by Joey Meen Attended by Joey Meen and the GUEST Trainers (Lynne Edwards and Peter Vogel) 6TH APR SUPERYACHT CAREERS, VIAREGGIO The aim of the meeting was to deﬁne shared 5TH – 7TH APR guidelines and opinions for the training of future Forums, debates and workshops covering the hot Superyacht captains, in order to meet the predicted topics in the Superyacht industry, with a strong shortfalls in professional crew for the future. PYA SUPPLEMENT / YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 159 PYA SUPPLEMENT – AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 The Italian Superyacht Life foundation crew progressing through the ranks, including (ISYL) was introduced, which was responsible preparing for the OOW, recording sea service, and for putting in place the Superyacht Cadet the dos and don’ts of the Training Record Book. Scheme (you can read about this more on With kind thanks to MYBA who sponsored the page 137). PYA’s participation at the Palma Show. Attended by Joey Meen and Carey Secrett With the ﬁrst group of cadets having completed the course, ISYL have placed 5 of the 21 candidates on-board yachts, and are 4TH – 6TH MAY IAMI CONFERENCE 24TH AGM AND searching for more willing Captains to take on CONFERENCE, UK students for a practical 6 months stay, which is The annual opportunity to speak with other necessary to obtain the qualiﬁcation of cadet. maritime sectors regarding the cross overs The discussion focused on how to ﬁnd boarding in education and career paths between sectors. and investigating the strong and weak points of This busy and informative three day event this operation. is fundamental for networking between the Attended by Joey Meen representatives of maritime education, holding breakout sessions within other relevant 8TH – 9TH APR sectors, providing updates regarding the exam DEVELOPMENT EVENT, IYCA ANTIBES procedures and STCW requirements, and The PYA are strong supporters of Continuing of course ensuring that the yacht sector does Professional Development for crew, and have not get left behind, and that yacht crew training been working with ACREW to professionally needs are represented and voiced for now and endorse some of the content on offer at their for the future. global programme of CPD for crew. If a Attended by Joey Meen, JohnWyborn and Lars Lippuner workshop meets the criteria to be endorsed, crew who have participated can now have their 14TH MAY SPEAK YOUR MIND SEMINAR, ANTIBES attendance stamped into the PYA Crew Work As part of Bluewater’s 25th anniversary Book, which can be shown to employers to celebration day, superyacht crew were given the demonstrate they have taken the time to improve opportunity to challenge representatives from their skills. This initiative was launched at the 2 the MCA, the PYA and Bluewater on what they day ACREW event in Antibes, which offered a felt were the current issues in the Superyacht host of excellent workshops for all departments industry. It was a very interactive session and to partake in. Captain Rod Hatch introduced the some interesting points were raised about partnership, stressing to the crew the importance gaps in the current training, the need to better of Continuing Professional Development to help understand owners’ and charter guests needs, further their careers. managing hours of work and rest and attracting Attended by Carey Secrett and Rod Hatch more high-quality crew to meet the future needs of the industry. TH Attended by Joey Meen, John Wyborn, Rod Hatch, – 2ND MAY The PYA team were present throughout the show Jane Hardy, PYA Ofﬁce, Lynne Edwards and helped lots of crew with queries and problems regarding their sea service, certiﬁcation, CVs 160 GUEST TRAINING AWARENESS DAY, ANTIBES and career paths. We hosted two workshops for Two taster GUEST training sessions for interior crew crew – the ﬁrst was for entry-level crew looking resulted in a few hours of educational fun for budding to get into the industry, and offered essential tips yacht stews. For full details on this informative day for on personal presentation, interview techniques, crew, please see page 156. perfecting a yachting CV, dockwalking and more. Attended by Joey Meen, Carey Secrett, GUEST The second, ‘Sail through your deck qualiﬁcations Trainers: Peter Vogel, Terry Gilmore and with the PYA’ gave invaluable guidance to deck Lynne Edwards. YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER / PYA SUPPLEMENT ISSUE 31 PYA SUPPLEMENT – AUTUMN / WINTER 2016 8TH – 10TH JUN MIM YACHT AND SUPERYACHT SYMPOSIUM, be approved by the MCA. We will be looking at MALTA ways to encourage a culture of pre-course study. Discussions on the recent challenges & Attended by Joey Meen, JohnWyborn and Lars Lippuner developments in the industry. Some very informative and interesting symposium ensued 24TH JUN with the focus of working better together to gain MY MOONLIGHT II, NICE the impact needed to represent the growing A huge thank you goes out to BURGESS who yacht sector at IMO. It was claimed that Malta sponsored the event and made the yacht available has a growing superyacht platform and is able to for us to host an Awareness Day on-board for facilitate this growth. However, it was identiﬁed selected charter brokers. It was an amazing that there is a need for better collaboration within success and made possible by the professional the associations, working groups and businesses GUEST Trainers, the Crew from Moonlight internationally, and to dispel the fragmented II, the food from NEKO, the catering from sector we seem to have become. Amandine Private Chefs and the photography Attended by Joey Meen IAMI SMALL CRAFT SUB WORK GROUP fantastic that GUEST is gaining momentum The feedback was very positive and it’s 15TH JUN throughout the Charter Brokerage houses; who Sub meetings are held throughout the year to know how important it is to have the best levels ensure projects are moving forward. Updates on of service for their clients. the MCA Yacht Exams Syllabus and the progress You can read the full story about this on the IAMI Deck Exam YDES system were fantastic day on page 152. discussed. The PYA asked again about funding Attended by Joey Meen, Carey Secrett, GUEST for Training Providers to create a generic online Trainers Lynne Edwards, PeterVogel, Alison Rentoul, pre-course study aid to be available for crew Renata Balla, Georgie Vintner, Sarah Whitlock, who struggle with the short modules; this is to Sachiko Katsurada and Paul Hammond. PYA SUPPLEMENT / YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 161 S T E M -T O - S T E R N C O V E R A G E MARINE & RESIDENTIAL CRESTRON-CERTIFIED CONTROL SYSTEM SPECIALISTS Take complete control of your onboard systems – and your lifestyle ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEMS Enjoy a one-touch control solution for all your audio and video. Watch movies, television and listen to music anywhere, hassle-free. LIGHTING & SHADING Transform your living spaces with one-touch presets or completely automatic settings for optimal comfort all day long. SECURITY, ALARM & MONITORING Rest easy. We’ll incorporate safety and security, including entryways and hatches, into your custom-designed control system. EXCLUSIVE SERVOWATCH SERVICE CENTER FOR USA AND CARIBBEAN —— a n d —— + 1 561 7 3 6 7 7 20 w w w. m d g av. co m WORLDWIDE v i c k i @ m d g av. co m F LO R I DA , U SA HAVE THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE FIVE REMARKABLE EXPERIENCES BY ANNE SPYROPOULOS ONG GONE ARE THE DAYS OF A RANDOM WANDER enthusiasts, from wine aficionados to food lovers, the industry is around town, a quick flip through Fodor’s, or a surf through upping their game and providing those remarkable experiences in Trip Advisor to put together ideas for a day of activities every corner of the world. Connecting to the local people, experiencing the natural beauty, understanding the heritage and participating in local traditions ANGUILLA are paramount today for yacht owners and guests coming into There’s very little that hasn’t been discovered in the Caribbean, port. Experiential tourism doesn’t begin to describe the creative, but one of the best-kept secrets is known as the sparkling jewel tailor made experiences that the superyacht industry is dreaming of the British West Indies. Anguilla, a low key, yet luxurious up these days for their clients. From boutique marinas, concierge destination, is considered by those ‘in the know’ as the best place staff, yacht agents and charter brokers, guests today want to relax and rejuvenate. Along with its 33 pristine and secluded foremost professional experts, with deep insider access, to create private sandy beaches, Anguilla also boasts exceptional culinary that one of a kind experience they can brag about for years to fare. Explore one of the three exquisite, uninhabited cays in the come. Regardless of their passion, from history buffs to sporting area, Prickly Pear, Sandy Island and Scilly Cay and spend a day on YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 163 PREVIOUS PAGE: RELAX ON THE BEACHES OF ANGUILLA by crystal waters and teeming reefs. Sandy Island can be ‘yours’ RIGHT: BE ENTERTAINED BY THE DOLPHINS IN COSTA RICA lobster accompanied by a soothing steel pan artist or one of the for a day of private massages and fruity cocktails at the water’s edge, or for an afternoon barbeque, featuring freshly caught local island’s renowned DJ’s. www.bwayachting.com BELOW: THE UNMISTAKEABLE TOWER BRIDGE, LONDON COSTA RICA Many experienced yachties have been fortunate to see majestic dolphins playing alongside the coastlines, but what about racing SeaBobs through the waves with 3000 of them? Some of the few known super pods of spinner dolphins (stenella longirostris) live offshore the Pacific coast of Costa Rica. This area, with its deep oceanic currents, creates a constant upwelling of nutrients and the ideal environment for large populations of dolphins and other cetaceans to congregate. Cruising around hoping to pop upon a super pod is tantamount to finding a needle in a haystack, but with a carefully coordinated team involving spotter planes, dolphin experts and marine biologists, the experience is a guaranteed success. Guests will be briefed on dolphin behaviour onboard, while the specialised team of experts will localise the super pod and coordinate movements of speedboats and the yacht to the identified area. Spinner dolphins congregate by the thousands along the littoral waters in the southern coast from December to April and in the north from May to August. www.seasmasterscostarica.com www.marinapapagayo.com LONDON Sporting enthusiasts can fulfil their need for speed in London on the Top Gear UK racetrack, especially reserved for the guests. 164 your own ‘private island’. Beautiful Sandy Island, located in one of Fully staffed with mechanics, technicians and professional racing Anguilla’s marine parks, is a tiny bar of palm treetops surrounded teams, dare your guests to compete against some of the fastest YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 S&D SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE FROM MALTA & TUNISIA RELIABLE? ABSOLUTELY. DELIVERING RELIABILITY, TRUST & PEACE OF MIND SINCE 1976 MALTA’S LEADING MARINE SERVICES COMPANY FOR YACHT AGENCY, BROKERAGE & CHARTER DUTY-FREE BUNKERING REFIT & REPAIR SERVICES * YACHT YARD AGENTS * THERMOPLASTIC COVER CONSTRUCTION * YACHT PAINTING * MARINE MECHANICS MALTA FLAG REGISTRATION * NOMINEE COMPANY FORMATION YACHT LEASING * ONWARD SUPPLY RELIEF (4200000 PROCEDURE) Seabreeze, Giuseppe Cali Street, Ta’Xbiex XBX 1421, Malta Tel: +356 2132 0577, 2133 1515, 2133 9908 Fax: +356 2133 2259 Mob: +356 9949 5315, 9949 3834 www.sdyachts.com • [email protected] YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 165 ABOVE: NEW YEAR’S FIREWORKS CELEBRATION, SYDNEY HARBOUR BRIDGE BELOW RIGHT: PORTO SAN ROCCO racing professionals on earth with their own personalised support out by 4th Century Greeks to build the city walls and temples team. Return onboard for cocktails at sunset at St. George’s Pier, above ground, work up an appetite underground walking by the about 150 m from the iconic Tower Bridge, where most recently, enormous cisterns, ancient Roman Aqueducts and WWII air raid guests declared it as the best spot in London to berth. For those shelters which provided safety during bombardments. Learn the who want a quieter experience, spend the morning at a private secrets of making the perfect Neapolitan pizza for lunch, guided behind the scenes tour, beneath the streets of Westminster, by a professional pizzaiolo, and then enjoy a private visit to the to the Cabinet War Rooms and explore the underground bunker Royal Palace of Naples, or a tour to the island of Gaiola which that protected Churchill and his staff during the Second World during the 19th century was inhabited by a War. A world-renowned historian will bring to life the history hermit known as the ‘wizard’, which locals of the Imperial War Museum and the Map Room, which has still today believe to be cursed. remained perfectly in tact since the day the lights were switched www.Luise.com Above ground Naples is a bustling colourful metropolis; Make the last day of the year the best underground the atmosphere is reverent and mysterious. Guests one by waking up on the sparkling Sydney of all ages will delight in a glimpse of days gone by through harbour. From a secluded anchorage enjoy the ancient structures hidden behind a labyrinth of tunnels a morning paddle along the coast passing and cavities underneath downtown Naples. Myths and legends, cliffs and untouched bush land, or have very much still alive today in Neapolitan folklore, traditions and a refreshing swim under the spring water superstitions will be brought to life by expert historians. Hollowed waterfalls at Spring Cove. Afterwards, a YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 Ensign The Large Yacht Service of the Maritime and Coastguard Agency • We will survey any vessel for which the Large Commercial Yacht Code is relevant. • We will provide a service for the examination of and comment upon any project for compliance with the Code. • Ensign has a dedicated team of surveyors widely experienced in the application of the MCA Large Commercial Yacht Code. • The UK is one of the oldest and best established Registries. [email protected] Tel: +44 (0)191 4969917 w w w. g o v. u k / m c a The global authority offering unrivalled service. has moved to prime position in front of the Sydney Harbour helicopter will whisk guests away for a picturesque view of the Bridge for the greatest New Year’s fireworks celebration in the Hunter Valley wine region as the landscape below transforms world. Framed by the glittering cityscape and perfectly reflected from the iconic Sydney beaches to rolling hills and farmlands by the harbour below, there is no New Year’s Eve celebration quite dotted with vineyards. The oldest and smallest wine region in like Sydney. Australia, settle down at one of the Hunter Valley’s Two Chef www.australiansuperyachts.com.au Hat premier restaurants, and dine among the grapes at the Hungerford Hill Winery. Meanwhile back in Sydney, the yacht Contact: [email protected] YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 167 THE SUPERYACHT GATEWAY TO MYANMAR BY LINDA CARTLIDGE ABOVE: SY VERTIGO DURING A PHUKET AND MYANMAR VOYAGE UPERYACHT CRUISING IS OPENING UP BEYOND THE leading destination to a growing number of superyachts and usual hubs and marinas of the Mediterranean or Caribbean affluent visitors from throughout the world. as facilities are being developed and upgraded around the ‘Leading marinas on the northeast coast of Phuket Island OPPOSITE PAGE: KRABI KOH PADHA world. An example of growing superyacht interest and are Yacht Haven Marina and Ao Po Grand Marina.’, notes Gordon visits made possible through upscale marinas and knowledgeable Fernandes, GM of Asia Pacific Superyachts Phuket, adding: ‘The yachting support is Phuket Island in Thailand. marinas are both a gateway to exploring Phuket’s crystalline blue Dubbed the ‘Monaco of South East Asia’ and acknowledged as the ‘Superyacht Hub of South East Asia’, Phuket Island has a voyage to explore and experience adventures in Myanmar.’ many cruising options in the Andaman Sea to nearby secluded Yacht Haven Marina is an ideal starting point to explore bays while offering a luxury lifestyle and well equipped marinas, the wonders of Phang Nga with the marina now being upgraded which also serve as a Gateway to Myanmar. with increased shore side services while adding a further 30 new According to Captain Charlie Dwyer, former skipper of SY Yanneke Too, Thailand’s growing status throughout the Superyacht 168 seas and nearby famed islands and beaches before setting of on superyacht berths. Yacht Haven has 320 berths and can cater to vessels up to 100 m in length. world community is evident. ‘Owners and brokers are looking to Ao Po Grand Marina has a capacity of 200 berths and is also Asia as the next destination and right at the top is Thailand. well placed for cruising Phang Nga Bay and can host yachts from The quote I get from most captains is that they have “done the 6 m to 150 m with a special focus on facilitating superyachts. Caribbean” for the past 15 years and they want to find a new Gordon and Thai owner Jojo and team can handle all and exciting cruising ground. This can be found in abundance in the paperwork required for both countries (Thailand and Thailand and on into Myanmar.’ Myanmar) and also offer charter yacht voyages. ‘Guests can first Superyacht owners and captains can select from several enjoy cruising some special islands while staying near Phuket’, highly recommended and developed marinas in Phuket and relax Gordon explains: ‘You have Phang Nga Bay with its limestone in upscale surroundings before cruising on to stunning anchorages monoliths rising up out of the sea; or further south the islands around Phuket and on to Myanmar. of Koh Phi Phi, made famous by the film The Beach. World class The island’s natural beauty, high end luxury resorts and diving is within easy reach and guests can laze on the beach, villas, vibrant nightlife, famed spas and world-class dining coupled swim, snorkel and look for monkeys and wildlife before heading with nearby uninhabited island cruising has made Phuket a off to the Similan Islands.’ YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 PHUKET – THE SUPERYACHT GATEWAY TO MYANMAR 60 nm NW of Phuket, the Similan Islands are classed recognised by the ruling military junta and they continued with as one of the top ten global dive destinations; a paradise for their non-elected role until early 2016, when a new parliament diving and snorkelling with generally 30 m+ water visibility. was sworn in. The new parliament has bought democracy to the A journey to Phuket’s surrounding area offers miles of coastline filled with spectacular beaches, amazing rock formations and superb diving possibilities. MYANMAR The name Myanmar doesn’t mean a lot to most people as the word has only been associated with a short portion of that country’s long history. Mention the name Burma, however, and it evokes something completely different. Burma is old, exotic, romantic and undiscovered. It is a nation with a long and glorious history and an enormous variety of stunning landscapes, waterways and vistas. Burma conjures up thoughts of a mystical country steeped in traditions kept untouched by western development, as it was closed to foreigners for decades. The country is fascinating WORLDWIDE YACHT SERVICE FUEL & LUBE OIL NETWORK YACHT MAINTENANCE SYSTEM • Cleaning of fuel, sewage and fresh water tanks, bilges & engine rooms • GAS FREE cleaning • Fuel centrifugation • Antibacterical treatment and looking back in time; the poet Rudyard Kipling was thrilled with the country and the people as expressed in the following quote: ‘This is Burma and it is unlike any land you know about.’ Rudyard Kipling, Letters from the East (1898) Years of military rule meant that the Burmese people did not have access to the ‘information highway’ or even to non- VIAREGGIO approved books, independent newspapers and magazines, Ford, Coke, McDonalds, Citibank and other international (especially American) brands were seen as a threat; thus banned by the military regime. The first democratic elections were held in the country on 8th November 2015. A previous election in May of 1990 was not Office: +39 0584 383984 Fax: +39 0584 384685 http://www.termopetroliversilia.com email:[email protected] 55049 VIAREGGIO - ITALY Via Paolo Savi, 170 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 169 PHUKET – THE SUPERYACHT GATEWAY TO MYANMAR ABOVE: KAWTHAUNG – CHECK IN TOWN AND GATEWAY TO THE MERGUI ARCHIPELAGO country and with it a massive injection has been given to the tourism industry. Tapping into the attractions In Myanmar’s North, you have the Himalayas which present virgin untouched ski slopes RIGHT: MARCUS AND DOME ISLANDS covering hundreds of kilometres, with islands varying in size from quite small to hundreds of square kilometres. and in the middle of the nation, fascinating places to visit, such To put this in perspective, there are islands bigger than as Yangon, where guests can visit the Shew Dragon Pagoda also Phuket and they’re totally uninhabited. Why is this? The previous known as the Golden Pagoda. The base of the stupa is made of military government felt that it would be a security risk to have bricks covered with gold plates and the crown is tipped with 5448 towns or villages located in the islands. Thus the islands have mainly diamonds and 2317 rubies. The very top – the diamond bud – is been left untouched and there are very few hotels in the area. tipped with a 76 carat (15 g) diamond. In Bagan visitors can take a hot air balloon ride over 2000 still in use, but ruined, temples. In Mandalay life in a former capital city can be experienced and in an area of outstanding beauty, the freshwater Inle Lake beckons. The dry season for Myanmar is from November until April and the vessel can select an upper Myanmar tour, while basing the yacht in Yangon and then cruise South through the spectacular Mergui Archipelago; or start way down South (approx. 450 nm South) and check in via Kawthaung (Victoria Point). Generally a vessel checking in at Kawthaung means guests will have started their cruise in Phuket after arrival at the international airport. However, to maximise the time in the Mergui Archipelago guests may also arrive at the small Thai airport in Ranong, located on the Thailand/Myanmar border. 170 Upon entering the spectacular Mergui Archipelago yacht visitors will find an area made up of approximately 800 islands YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 A few of island’s local inhabitants are the Moken Sea gypsies. This seafaring race continues to survive on boat building PHUKET – THE SUPERYACHT GATEWAY TO MYANMAR and traditional fishing techniques. In the dry season they travel from island to island on their boats. In the rainy season they tend to be more land-based, taking refuge on a couple of the islands, leaving plenty of areas where guests can have maximum privacy. A superyacht captain on a journey through the Mergui Archipelago wrote to Gordon Fernandes describing the gypsy fishermen as: ‘…living within the archipelago – mostly on their boats but venturing ashore to collect firewood from the beaches and water from the streams. They are nomadic and live a simple life sustained by the sea. They have been proven to be excellent pearl divers and fishermen, who only work as much as is required in order to live. We found them friendly and ready to exchange seafood for a few of our dry stores. After the 2004 tsunami, amazing stories came to light of the understanding and perception that the Gypsy fishermen have of the ocean. Villages along this and the Thai coastline were saved because the elders had visions or remembered tales about previous such events – goodness knows how long ago, but they put their knowledge into practice and many lives were saved.’ This area is a superyacht owner’s cruising paradise where the guests can have beaches and entire islands all to themselves. One can get totally ‘lost’ on the islands and not see another yacht or person for the entirety of their cruise. Captain Pellat-Finet, of SY Tiara wrote of his vessel’s experience in the Mergui’s in March of 2016, ‘An amazing trip in the middle of beautiful deserted islands. It was impossible to count all the pristine yellow sand beaches. A breathtaking experience where nature prevails. We will go again.’ A yacht can cruise to island after island, all with countless beaches under green hills of dense rainforest, their canopies alive with colourful birds and butterflies. Monkeys leave the trees for a stroll along the beach where they find crabs and other dinner items, leaving their tracks along with the many elusive animals living in the forests and at times seen on the beaches and even tigers are said to still be inhabitants of the islands. Wild elephants the vessel should not be. A few of the islands have navy bases have been spotted on some of the larger islands, from elephants and the personnel do not generally speak English. This is when originally transported from the mainland to work for illegal the guide is especially viewed as a help and not a hindrance.’ loggers (to steal the teak from the islands). These well informed guides will also know the best anchorages The many islands are covered in an extensive range of flora and fauna with outstanding beaches and tropical jungle rainforest ABOVE: GOLDEN BUDDHAS IN A CAVE and beaches and can have a positive impact on the visitors’ experiences while cruising in the Mergui Archipelago. to explore. Kayaks can be used up and down the various rivers, Superyacht owners and captains interested in Myanmar gliding under overhanging trees with rivers filled with fish and inland exploration as well as Mergui Archipelago cruising can view views of amazing waterfalls. a sample itinerary that includes visits to Yangon, Bagan, Inle Lake, In advising visiting vessels of Myanmar rules and TOP: A MYANMAR ISLAND Irrawaddy River Cruise, Mandalay and Mrauk. >\|\| requirements, the APS GM cautions: ‘Yachts still need to obtain a cruising licence and take a guide on board for the duration of the Photographs by APS Phuket cruise in Myanmar. The guide is treated as a member of the crew For more information contact: and will represent the owner and captain; speaking directly with [email protected] authorities to ensure the yacht does not stray into areas where www.asia-pacific-superyachts.com YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 171 THE METAMORPHOSIS OF A SHIPYARD BY CHRISTINE WINANS ABOVE: THE PENDENNIS YARD, 2016 BELOW RIGHT: THE PORT OF FALMOUTH IN THE 1800s S THE THIRD LARGEST NATURAL HARBOUR IN THE non-stop around the world in 1969 and Ellen MacArthur who world, Falmouth in Cornwall was always fated to completed this feat in 2007, becoming the fastest person to do become an important nautical hub. The south west of England, and Falmouth in particular, has a maritime heritage that Given this heritage, as the superyacht industry developed forms the very foundation of the town. Although historically it and yachts grew in complexity, perhaps it was inevitable that was initially the more sheltered Penryn that was the main port, Falmouth would become home to one of the world’s premiere as the Royal Mail Packet Ships became based out of Falmouth superyacht custom build and refit facilities. Pendennis Shipyard between 1688 and 1850 the town boomed becoming central to was founded in Falmouth by Peter de Savary in 1988, primarily the delivery of messages to the extremes of the British Empire. aimed at constructing a challenge vessel to the America’s Cup. The quality of work that is produced at superyacht build and refit Pendennis’ first superyacht contract in 1988 was to build the company Pendennis Shipyard is a reflection of this local Cornish 125 ft ketch Taramber, and a major refit of the 228 ft three- sea-fairing pride. masted schooner Adix soon followed. The people of the town have always exploited its position, having developed the fishing and oyster dredging industries throughout the 18th and 19th centuries. Many of the local oyster boats, known as Falmouth Working Boats, were built in small local yards around the Carrick Roads, the network of tributaries around the Fal, with a small fleet of these traditional boats still raced today. In fact, a team from Pendennis Shipyard recently competed in the Working Boat World Championships onboard ‘Grace’. Sailing continues to be a dynamic part of life in the area, with many notable sailing achievements taken place in Falmouth waters, with perhaps the two most well-known being Robin KnoxJohnston’s, who became the first person to sail single handed and 172 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 PENDENNIS SHIPYARD Five years later the company was subject to a management procedures to become more efficient. However, with the main buy-out with Mike Carr and Henk Wiekens still at the helm today, shed still being positioned parallel to the sea, a 90 degree turn 28 years later. Each Director has a maritime background, Mike was required to slowly maneouvre the yachts in and out of the in Naval Architecture and Henk from the hands-on build side main shed, and still took the best part of a day to complete. in Holland and New Zealand, and both are passionate about Tyrone Harvey, Project Manager, who has supervised all the Adix the industry which stems from an inherent enthusiasm for yachts refits, remembers how the relaunch procedures have changed: and the sea. Their focus and enthusiasm has seen the yard and ‘The right angle turn from the main shed into the slipway was the project complexities continually develop, in a response to somewhat precarious, but even more so after the higher roof on market trends. the outer dock was in place following the 2012 refit. I remember LEFT: THE CURRENT BOARD OF DIRECTORS ABOVE: ADIX BEING HAULED OUT When the company was founded, their initial facility was based out of one of the oldest dry docks in Falmouth, known as Number 1 Dock. Looking back at archive drawings over the years, the location of this facility can be seen in Victorian photos from the 1860s when the rest of Falmouth was still relatively underdeveloped, although it wasn’t until the 1930s that the No1 dock was fully excavated. When Pendennis moved onto the site the ‘main shed’ as it was known provided a covered construction/ refit facility, and housed the likes of Adela throughout her rebuild in 1995. However, as the yard’s popularity grew it was apparent that the facility needed to be improved to cater to the number of projects that were interested in Pendennis’ capabilities. More undercover space was needed, so in 2004 a refit complex was created adjoining the dry dock, then in 2009 the outer part of the dry dock was covered to better supplement the main shed. The historical experience of yachts such as Adix and Adela provide an interesting reflection of the metamorphosis of the yard. Adix was one of the first yachts to visit Pendennis in 1990, at which time moving a 65 m yacht was an arduous task, requiring as much man-power as machine. At that time a 1000 tonne floating crane had to be imported especially for the task, which was of course both expensive and time consuming. As the facilities were improved, so were the yacht lifting capabilities. A 400 tonne hoist had already arrived by Adix’s third refit in 2009, enabling the lifting and relaunch YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 173 RIGHT: A VIEW OF FALMOUTH, THE WORLD’S THIRD LARGEST NATURAL HARBOUR watching as Adix’s bow cleared the new roof by inches! The the growth of the average LOA of the global superyacht fleet, relaunch experience following her most recent refit, with the halls the Directors recognised the need to extend capacity and now facing the sea, was a revelation – what used to take the best capabilities for 60 m+ vessels. As Mike Carr explains: ‘Over part of a day, only took a couple of hours. There was very little the course of a number of years, a plan was formulated to BELOW: THE DOCKS IN THE 1900s delay in the work pattern of the refit – Pendennis staff arrived the seal our position in the international market. The plan was to next morning to a relaunched vessel, with all the infrastructure replace the existing main shed with three bespoke-designed already in place to continue the recommissioning phase.’ superyacht halls, specifically tailored to the growing needs of the RIGHT: THE NEW WET BASIN 174 The main focus of the most recent changes at the yard yard. Project Management and Trade Team productivity would was the improved capacity for larger vessels. In response to be improved by workshops and offices being based directly YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 A WATERSIDE VIEW OF THE NEW CONSTRUCTION HALLS alongside the projects in a central spine; an 80 m mast painting booth was designed to accommodate larger rigs including those of the J-Class yachts; and built-in extraction ducting in each hall enabled even effective environmental control during infrastructure paint phases.’ Building work started in February 2013, and was completed by the summer of 2014. This aspect of the yard re-development was followed swiftly by the addition of a 7564 m² non tidal wet-basin, excavated into the sea bed directly in front of the hard standing area of the yard. With the longest arm at 110 m and a draft of over 5 m, the wet basin is capable of housing several large yachts for their arrival and recommissioning AC-DC ENERGY Marine & Domestic Lighting Specialist LED Refitting New builds Upgrading Re-lamping Stocking up Repairs periods, increasing efficiency dramatically. Mike continues: ‘Yachts no longer have to be housed at a local marina during their sea trials period, and passing vessels can pop into Pendennis for a bit of TLC if needed. In the space of a year the wet basin has already ranging from 24 m – 86 m, with Adix appropriately being the first yacht to christen the basin in May 2015. It has revolutionised the way we work and has established us as having the experience and facilities to compete with any yard globally.’ As for the dry dock, whilst it used to be the main base for 40 – 50 m motor yachts, this size of vessel can now be lifted by the 640 tonne hoist into one of the three construction halls. The dry dock, which is still the longest covered facility onsite, can Call the Specialists for Unbiased Advice & ALL your Lighting Needs Tel: + 33 685802399 E-mail: [email protected] www.acdc-energy.com D E L I V E RY WOR L DW I D E YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 175 PENDENNIS SHIPYARD ABOVE: THE COVERED DOCKS AND THE NEW WET BASIN, 2016 RIGHT: COMPETITORS IN THE PENDENNIS CUP BELOW RIGHT: ONE OF THE PENDENNIS APPRENTICES now focus on even larger yachts, now regularly accommodating Falmouth’s fascinating and impressive history, to sustain and 60 m+ motor yachts and most recently housing its largest guest grow the maritime future of Cornwall. to date, the 85.6 m Aquila. It is certainly interesting to review historical images of the area, and seeing how the shipyard and Falmouth itself has grown over the past century. Falmouth is becoming a popular stop off en-route to the Norwegian Fjords or Scotland for those vessels seeking more unusual cruising adventures. Many captains and crews now have homes in the area, and with a plethora of outdoor adventures to enjoy, exotic gardens in stunning locations, historical Castles and Michelin-starred restaurants, and an enviable lifestyle, Cornwall is more than capable of catering to the unique needs of Owners and crews. Although Pendennis builds and refits motor yachts as well as sail, it cannot be denied that a passion for sailing and being immersed in the experience of the ocean is at the company’s roots. Events that they organise such as Laser regattas for visiting crews, or the Pendennis Cup are testament to this. Notably the an award-winning apprenticeship scheme which is one of the longest running and most respected within the industry, due to welcome its 200th apprentice this summer, with seamanship courses and dinghy training forming part of their four-year experience. This new generation are mentored by experienced employees that foster a respect and passion for the sea that appears to be ingrained into the fundamental work ethic and philosophy of the company. The ongoing development of the yard has secured the future of the business, but perhaps at the heart of this yard’s success is the pride of the Pendennis team, from the Directors through to young apprentices, that continue to champion the heritage of the region. The company continues to build upon 176 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 Contact: [email protected] www.Pendennis.com YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 177 AN ILLUMINATING TALE 25 YEARS OF UNDERWATER LIGHTS (LTD) BY PETER URQUHART OES IT BENEFIT ANSWERING THE TELEPHONE? The first underwater light was called the BULLEYT Twenty five years ago it did as it was a request to and used a 150 watt metal halide lamp. Minor changes were design an underwater light that could be installed into made to improve thermal and light output efficiency. In 2005 the transom of a 50 m yacht. The editor of this classy magazine we started to test a 250 watt metal halide lamp in the BULLEYT Colin Squire wondered if I would write an article on the evolution and found that the extra power and lumen output (19,000) did of underwater lights? He still has, and always reminds me, that not work and deteriorated the overall efficiency. Basically the he has one of those original lights hidden somewhere in his attic. diameter of the glass lens (62.5mm) was too small and too I took it along to his home, we live close to each other and left it much heat was generated. We increased the lens diameter to for him to ponder over prior to using his YachtFile to get my new 75 mm. and the insert diameter from 100 mm to 120 mm. These brochure into the hands of Captains. increases in size had to be made to our screwed version which Well the year was 1991 when I started designing the underwater light, computers and drawing software were too are installed in composite hulls. These lights were known as the UL Ti MATE range. expensive for me so pencils and drawing board were the tools to begin with. Fortunately my employment as a marine engineer and later as a surveyor for Lloyds Register of Shipping (LRS) gave me the knowledge of materials, naval architecture, thermodynamics and electrical/optical designs. Luck was on my side as General Electric had started manufacturing single ended metal halide lamps which were far more efficient than the halogen lamps of the time and they had an output of around 12,000 lumens. Porcelain lamp holders and high temperature/voltage silicone cable were available. Everything you needed to make a light. After a few days the design was completed Having cracked how to use the metal halide lamp along came the and an application was made to LRS to approve the lights for LED with new underwater light companies entering the market. installation into the 50 m yacht (MY Lady Marina). Sometime later We started testing LEDs around 2004 and the first thing we MY Lady Marina switched on her four underwater lights whilst she noticed was the economic truth in the LED specifications. was at anchor in the Bay of Palma and just about every yacht owner 1. LEDs do not generate heat/they run cool. ‘not true – more later’ after that wanted underwater lights. 2. LEDs have a 100,000 hr lamp life. ‘quite possible if you can keep Our next order was for 32 lights on a 100 m yacht being the LED at 25ºC. But the life is seriously reduced with temperature.’ built in Germany. The lights would be installed around the yacht. 3. Light efficiency surpasses discharge (metal halide lamps) ‘at This required the addition of two new inserts that are welded into the time not true. the hull to compensate for the shell plate angle. The design and 178 installation layout was approved by LRS. On reflection the 50 m Our first observation was that when the LED was used with light had her four lights on the stern and the next yacht had thirty two focusing plastic collimators the heat distorted the collimator. To lights all the way round. There seemed no end to what one could overcome this the drive current had to be reduced which reduces do providing the system was safe and ‘Fit for Purpose’ the lumen output. LED manufactures quote lumen outputs per YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 PHOTOGRAPH: JIM RAYCROFT watt which were around 100lm with a drive current of 350 mA. and a blend of UV with white or royal blue LEDs which we will They also quoted light levels at 700 mA and 1000 mA. Note the name CRISP WHITE and CRISP BLUE. This type of light enhances LED temperature was 25ยบC. The increase in light levels at the the visual aspect of the fish, fishing lures and the fishing line. All higher current were around 20-40% and efficiency plummets are supposed to increase the chances of catching a fish. However I resulting in a high LED running temperature. The LED efficiency would not advise wearing a florescent type of swimming costume and the running temperatures have increased. How we get the with these lights in shark infested waters. Colourful you maybe best thermal and optical efficiency from them is still ongoing. but you become BAIT. There is no doubt that LEDs are the popular choice for On a more joyful note all the yachts that have our metal all types of lighting. For interior low colour temperatures from halide lights or similar can be retro fitted to LED. The original 2,300 K to 3000 K with a high 90+ CRI are the best choice. For insert or screwed fitting and electrical cables can be used. It is underwater lighting a cool white with a colour temperature of very simple plug and play exercise. 6000-7000 K and low 70 CRI produces the best result. There are What I have not mentioned are the rapid change of many LED colours to choose from and the popular colours are LED product. The positive part of this is that manufactures royal blue and RGB+W which requires a DMX type of control. of COB type LEDs retain the basic dimensions but the lumen Our latest development for fishing is using ultra violet LEDs (UV) output per watt increases. No dimension change necessary YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 179 UNDERWATER LIGHTS for our LED heatsink. However LED drive current and voltage do change so driver specification and design alterations have to be electrically tested for statutory approval. We design and manufacture our own drivers which have all been tested and approved. All this allows us to easily exchange/supply new LED (when original LEDs are obsolete) parts with no modification to the light. The above leads me to mention the Classification Societies and MCA. The detail required for class type approval has significantly increased. Structural drawings, electrical and mechanical test reports, workshop approval and installation information to name a few. Attending class surveyors always have the final say when it is a ‘Classed’ vessel. However there is always a flag of registration and their surveyors can have a say in all matters of construction and safety aspects and decide what is ‘Fit for Purpose’ The Underwater Light world is now on every body’s radar. We have thousands of lights installed on sea going yachts and there are many more lights installed by our competitors. We have not had a ‘casualty’ but we know we have had lights installed 25 years ago that are still working. Remember these are skin fittings installed below the water line, just like propeller shafts, suction and discharge valves/strainers and therefore as with all skin fittings require periodic inspection. Contact: [email protected] 180 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 >\|\| PHOTOGRAPH: KLAUS JORDAN INDUSTRY RECOGNITION GUIDE THE INDUSTRY MOVERS THE YACHTING MATTERS INDUSTRY RECOGNITION GUIDE – SNAPPED AROUND THE WORLD The full list of all those that have appeared within The Industry Movers section can now be found at www.yachtingmatters.com AMY OLIVER-SQUIRE & RANIA D’ARECHI CPT. ANDRE PEENS YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 185 ON BOARD COMMUNICATIONS ARE YOU RECEIVING WHAT YOU PAID FOR? BY PIPPA NICHOLAS OMMUNICATIONS IN THE MARINE INDUSTRY HAVE of this communication is now via the Internet and email but come a long way since the Flags and Semaphore having tools like Google at hand has changed the way that ships of Nelson’s day and years of being away with no are run forever. Whilst this article is aimed at looking at how far connection to home. During my first days at sea in the early 70’s this development has come in a relatively short time, it is also to we were allowed 30 characters in a telegram home to Mum as promote interest in the future and to help owners and operators our ‘privilege’ on a 3 – 4 month trip deep sea. Today’s maritime to understand and perhaps come to terms with what is possible crew’s, yachting and commercial, get many more communication whilst on board a ship at sea. benefits as a part of their employment package. Owners and Managers also rely heavily on modern The most common today is known as VSAT (don’t laugh now… I’ve heard from a very reputable source that as much It stands for Very-Small-Aperture-Terminal) and it’s what we use as US $130,000 can be saved by accurate weather routing during today for the ‘always-on Internet on board’. a single voyage of a global giant, all made possible through modern satcom. 186 FIRSTLY, PRODUCTS communication systems for cost effective management, In very broad terms VSAT was developed for the distribution of TV signals for the 1965 Olympics by Hughes Net, This need for data has produced a plethora of systems who allegedly today have over one million active terminals. The through which to communicate with ships at sea. The majority marine sector was originally developed by Sea Tel who still hold YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 ON BOARD COMMUNICATIONS the major share of sales of the hardware components followed thus we expect it whilst at sea. Satellite has its drawbacks and by Intellian and Orbit to name but a few. cannot as yet, commercially anyway, provide these sort of speeds VSAT has a hardware component made up of an antenna, at affordable prices. Unscrupulous retailers will jump on the a controller, a modem and the unseen component i.e. the ‘carrier back of this and sell what appears to be the biggest number. wave’. This transports the data from ship to satellite and then i.e. 4 Mbps down load – 2 Mbps upload. What happens behind to the land earth station. On the ground they are pretty cheap the scenes is that the supplier then ‘splits this up’ between ships. and nasty looking affairs, however, Marine systems need to be This is called ‘contention ratio’ and the ship owner / operator stabilised to counter for the ship’s motion and need to know ends up with a ‘CIR’ (Committed Information Rate) or in other where they are on the surface of the earth and in which direction words an operating speed somewhat different to what he they are travelling in relation to the satellite. This information thought he bought! gets given to the ‘controller’ from a standalone GPS, or from Marine vessel operators need to be very specific about a NEMA stream from the ship’s systems and the ship’s Gyro what they require and how it is to be used. In today’s market compass. It is updated constantly as the ship moves around the current air time suppliers are like their counterparts in the world. Often the ship moves out of the footprint of the satellite cell phone industry of 10 years ago, with contracts and zero its using to transmit the information to and from and then many flexibility. However there are one or two suppliers, lesser known providers use a tool that automatically tells the ship’s receiver to of course, such as ourselves, who have made inroads into offering go to a different part of the heavens and look for and acquire the flexibility in airtime contracts. Spend some time looking for them next footprint. and whatever you do ask questions. One final note on cost decisions: VSAT cost is offered by OTHER PRODUCTS the bandwidth or speed that it offers and invariably has no cap It is important to point out that what we are talking about here on the volume of data used over time. Inmarsat services operate is the typical Inmarsat system that is found on board, Fleet Broad slightly differently in as much as the bandwidth or speed is fixed Band (FBB) and Iridium etc. These systems, whilst all satellite (invariably slower than VSAT) and then you pay as you go for the based, operate in a different way and as such have their own specific uses. Some aspects of these form part of the Global Maritime Distress and Safety System (GMDSS) and the Safety Net System which are mandatory on board commercial ships. DECISION TIME The hardware decision is a reasonably simple affair on the operator’s side once the details of where the ship is going to operate are known. Keeping it local? The chances are that you can opt for a reasonably small Ku antenna. Or if going global you are more likely to require a much bigger C Band antenna. With the recent introduction of the GX system from Inmarsat, some readers will know this by its other name, Global Express, the lower latitudes can be accessed with smaller dish sizes and thus less costly hardware. Your supplier will help with this and often it’s a preference based on what brand has been used before. Now comes the tricky bit when decisions are needed to be volume of data you use. It may look more cost efficient in our made. What bandwidth or ‘speed’ does the ship’s operator need information rich environment and people’s dependence on the to purchase? data Inmarsat offerings may well work out considerably more The main controlling factor for this decision is going to be cost v benefit. expensive. Which leads me to the final part of the equation and perhaps the most important one? We are used to seeing the adverts for 30 – 50 Mbps and now even100 Mbps services are popping up from the cable and CONTROL OF THE USAGE high speed providers for homes ashore. Of course we have grown When it comes to getting ‘bang for your buck’ it is the onboard used to these ever increasing speeds over the past 10 years. ‘control’, for want of a better word, of how the client needs the More recently high speed mobile data has become the norm and data allocated aboard the vessel that is all important. Some YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 187 EOINBOARD TURNER ON COMMUNICATIONS of the smaller, specialised and personal companies are happy to manage the onboard network for a very reasonable cost. Yachtprojects for instance has developed a proprietary firewall system for the marine industry. Very easy to install and once set up very easy to manage on board or remotely. Again ask questions as there are many of these systems available. Beware the person who wants to sell you something that needs a licence to operate or a fee per user/per year… There is no need for this… This small investment at the beginning can save both money on bandwidth, frustration on board from users and lengthy renegotiations of contract. The bigger operators are simply interested in selling more unrealistic bandwidth and thus increasing their bottom line as opposed to working with the owner/manager to assist in what is really required i.e. increasing profitability and bottom line for the ship owner and manageable amenities for the crew, thus cutting down on crew turnover and other long term advantages for the ship. FINALLY, ON BOARD COMMUNICATION It has long been the realm of VHF or private channel UHF and there will not be a person reading this who has not had either of these fail in the field because of one thing or another. We have spent some time with a major supplier in the hand held radio arena and have developed a system working on the WiFi network on board the vessel. A very simple system working on IP radios (that look very similar to what you have on board at present). The inherent advantages that come with this system are: • Easy to integrate with all shore based communication i.e. VHF, UHF, VOIP phone. • Totally private person to person or person to group communication. • Push To Talk or VOX with headset. • No Licences required. • IP 67 rated and able to be fitted in safety head gear. • Fully programmable to do many other tasks as well. >\|\| Contact: www.yachtprojects.net [email protected] YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 THE MARINE GALLERY FEATURING THE BEST IN YACHT BUILDING & DESIGN YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 189 Atlante is the result of excellent work by the CRN Technical Office who The full-beam bathroom with two side entrances for his-and-hers oversaw the exterior profile design, in partnership with Studio Nuvolari Lenard areas is covered entirely in dark grey Carnico marble, with a central shower Design. The Interior Design was by Studio Gilles & Boissier. Her strong stylistic cabin with walls in grey-veined white Calacatta Vagli marble. identity draws inspiration from the style elements typical of military ships. The main access to Atlante is provided on the lower deck from the The Owner specifically requested a yacht with a strong masculine beach club, a large area decked out for guests in light brushed fir and teak, touch and his strong influence recurs throughout the boat with innovative equipped with a solarium, sunbathing area and custom-made tables. This polished steel handrails with a trapezoidal profile reminiscent of a diamond. zone is completed by two symmetrical areas which open out onto the sea, Metal elements in polished steel and burnished brass reflect light throughout each with its own balcony: one side is devoted to relaxation, with a massage the yacht. Another feature desired by the Owner was the feeling of bed and a Turkish bath, while the other one is dedicated to fitness. ‘open spaces’ and the mooring and safety equipment are hidden away in functional compartments and niches that are aesthetically integrated into the yachts design. The interior is both elegant and contemporary and has been designed to create a strong sense of intimacy. The dark colours of the hull and superstructure are also found in the interior where different tones of Carrara and Verona marble – from lighter colours and veining to darker colours combine wonderfully with the tones of smoked oak skillfully mixed with brushed fir, black oak and larch. The result is an elegant yacht which makes wood and formal choices its calling card. The Owner’s suite displays all the materials and woods used on board: brushed silver and brown fir, brushed black oak, eucalyptus for the desk TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS LENGTH OVERALL: BEAM: DRAFT: HULL & SUPERSTRUCTURE: ACCOMMODATION: ENGINES: SPEED: RANGE: NAVAL ARCHITECTURE: EXTERIOR DESIGN: INTERIOR DESIGN: DELIVERY: BUILDER: 54.80 M 10.20 M 3.00 M STEEL AND ALUMINIUM 12 GUESTS IN 5 CABINS CABINS FOR 13 CREW CAT N. 2 3512C DA 1230 KW @ 1800 RPM MAX SPEED 15KNOTS CRUISING SPEED 14 KNOTS 4,200 NM @ 12 KNOTS - 3,100 NM @ 14 KNOTS CRN ENGINEERING STUDIO NUVOLARI & LENARD GILLES & BOISSIER 2016 CRN and coffee table and leather panels. The full-beam Master Stateroom opens up on the starboard side with an innovative alternative solution to including an office, with a sliding desk for the Owner’s business affairs and a leather table/pouffe which also slides along rails parallel to the sofa positioned along the entire right-hand wall. 190 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 Tel: +39 (0)71 5011 111 Email: [email protected] www.crn-yacht.com YACHT GALLERY – DILBAR light ivory colour of the hull and the bronze accents. Her interior design tonnage (15,917 t) and the 4th largest by length. She is without doubt was created at the Andrew Winch Design office in London and is truly one of the most complex and challenging yachts to have ever put to sea, spectacular using unique mixes of rare and striking materials give her an both in terms of dimensions and technology. Dilbar has areas within her extraordinary look that is culturally unique. interior, comprising nearly 41,000 square feet of living space, that have Dilbar also boasts other record breaking features with her indoor ever been seen on a yacht before, she also has two helipads and very pool, holding a remarkable 180 m³ of water being the largest pool to generous deck areas. have been built on a yacht. A total surface of 10,000 m² had to be faired Building Dilbar was a great challenge and one that Lürssen and painted and more than 1,100 km of cabling had to be fitted. Dilbar The 156 m Dilbar is the largest motor yacht in the world by gross are incredibly proud of having completed, especially considering the contract time of only 52 months and she represents a milestone in Lürssen’s history and the history of yachting itself. Dilbar is the first yacht TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS in the world with particle filters on the main engine exhausts. Her diesel electric power plant of 30.000 kW is the largest installed on any yacht and allows her to operate at a continuous speed of 22.5 knots. Under clear guidance and leadership of the Owner, the general arrangement and exterior design was developed by Espen Oeino who has given Dilbar a timeless classical profile which is underlined by the LENGTH OVERALL: BEAM: DRAFT: HULL & SUPERSTRUCTURE: ACCOMMODATION: SPEED: NAVAL ARCHITECTURE: EXTERIOR DESIGN: INTERIOR DESIGN: DELIVERY: BUILDER: 156 M 23.50 M 6.00 M STEEL AND ALUMINIUM 40 GUESTS IN 20 CABINS, 80 CREW IN 35 CABINS 22.5 KNOTS LÜRSSEN YACHTS ESPEN OEINO INTERNATIONAL WINCH DESIGN 2016 LÜRSSEN YACHTS Tel: +49 421 6604 166 E-mail: [email protected] Website: www.lurssen.com PHOTOGRAPH: CORY SILKEN YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 191 Galactica Super Nova YACHT GALLERY – GALACTICA SUPER NOVA At 70 m Galactica Super Nova is Heesen Yacht’s largest build to date. It’s Twelve guests are accommodated in six staterooms with the master slender aluminium hull was engineered by Hessen’s in-house collaboration suite on the main deck forward, four guests cabins on the lower deck and with the renowned Dutch naval architects van Oossanen, who devised the a VIP found on the wheel house deck aft. The owner appointed acclaimed revolutionary Fast Displacement Hull Form (FDHF) technology. An extremely Dutch designer Sinot to create the light, pure and well-balanced interior thorough pre-design phase, developed during more than 35 years of yacht with a sophisticated equilibrium between monochromic and soft colours. The building experience, resulted in a very efficient construction process that atmosphere is relaxed and informal, understated and inviting yet extremely allowed the full-custom vessel to be built and delivered in 41 months. refined. The stand-out feature in the interior is the central staircase with a Galactica Super Nova combines speed, space and style, with an incredible crystal elevator. Steel, nickel, chrome, wood and leather flow together to form 357 m² of deck space. a magnificent and grandiose architectural helix. Thanks to the addition of a third engine to power a booster jet, Galactica Super Nova will be capable of reaching a top speed of more than TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS 30 knots. This incredible piece of technological luxury is wrapped in a headturning exterior design by world renowned designer and naval architect Espen Øino. Øino has been able to develop a profile that celebrates Heesen’s DNA but at the same time brings in new design elements that make Galactica Super Nova stand out in Heesen’s galaxy. Having tender and toys (including a quad ski) housed in the garage located in the forward part of the hull has complimented a fantastic beach club, developed to offer the owners and their guests the possibility of enjoying a lifestyle closer to the water. Other key features include a 13,500 litre pool on the LENGTH OVERALL: BEAM: DRAFT: HULL & SUPERSTRUCTURE: ACCOMMODATION: HULL SPEED: RANGE: NAVAL ARCHITECTURE: EXTERIOR DESIGN: INTERIOR DESIGN: DELIVERY: BUILDER: 70.7 M 11.90 M 3.25 M ALUMINIUM 12 GUESTS, IN 6 CABINS 29.9 KNOTS 4000 NAUTICAL MILES @ 12 KNOTS OOSSANEN NAVAL ARCHITECTS ESPEN ØINO SANDER SINOT 2016 HEESEN main deck aft with a contra flow system for swimming, a waterfall and integrated Jacuzzi for relaxing, while the glass bottom of the pool allows natural light to filter into the beach club below. Forward on the main deck, a touch-and-go helipad facilitates guest arrival on board and doubles as an outdoor cinema that perfectly Tel: +31 (0) 412 665544 Email: [email protected] www.heesenyachts.nl completes the luxurious lifestyle on board this superyacht. 192 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 PHOTOGRAPH: DICK HOLTHUIS Surrounded by large wrap-around windows and flooded with natural Light the meet her Taiwanese owner’s plans to cruise the world and participate in the spacious deckhouse features a cosy conversation zone and a dining area for a occasional superyacht regatta along the way. full complement of guests as well as the interior helm position for navigation With her dark blue hull and ‘Chevy white’ superstructure, the yacht during inclement weather. is as stylish as she is performance oriented. A high-aspect carbon fibre mast Reinforcing his trust in the shipyard, Sea Eagle’s owner, Dr. Samuel Yin towers some 57 m above the water and carries upwind over 1,000 sq m of has offered his full support by making his yacht available for presentations at standing sail whilst a fixed keel drawing 4.5 m and a displacement of just on various worldwide yachting events, including his home waters in South East 200 tons ensures a thrilling ride under sail. Asia. Viewed by Royal Huisman as a huge honour, this opportunity allows the Well-positioned sightlines from the twin helm stations offer a yard to demonstrate around the world what the brand represents. commanding view of the uncluttered deck and sail plan. For guests an adjoining cockpit keeps everyone socially connected under sail or at anchor. A unique TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS awning covered ‘tea deck’ & dining area provides the perfect place for outdoor dining or shaded seating under sail or at anchor. An added feature of Sea Eagle is the aft ‘beach’ deck. Two steps lower than the main deck the transom opens out to reveal a large swim platform LENGTH OVERALL: BEAM: DRAFT: HULL & SUPERSTRUCTURE: ACCOMMODATION: and full-beam staircase where ‘beach’ and platform become a water lover’s playground. A 5.2 m Castoldi jet tender can be deployed from the transom garage by way of an hydraulically lowered ramp, providing the ideal launch pad for a day of water skiing or diving. No less impressive is Sea Eagle’s interior design by Rhoades Young. Quietly grained French walnut sets the backdrop for white oak floors, ENGINE: HULL SPEED: RANGE: NAVAL ARCHITECTURE: INTERIOR DESIGN: DELIVERY: BUILDER: 43.31 M 8.98 M 4.50 M ‘ALUSTAR’ ALUMINIUM 3 X GUEST CABINS + 1 X CONVERTIBLE GYM 3 X CREW CABINS CATERPILLAR C18 SCAC, 533 KW @ 2100 RPM 14.96 KNOTS 3000 NM @ 10 KNOTS GERMÁN FRERS RHOADES YOUNG LTD. 2015 ROYAL HUISMAN Sea Eagle Sea Eagle is a powerful 43 m sloop, beautifully designed and engineered to upholstered wall panels and birch wood accents for a calming, low-key and sophisticated ambience. Forward of the awning-covered centre cockpit with upholstered seating, the main cockpit and entrance to the main deckhouse salon are shaded by the generous overhanging coachroof. Telephone: +31 527 243131 Email [email protected] www.royalhuisman.com PHOTOGRAPH: CARLO BARONCINI YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 193 Vanish, like every Feadship reflects the wishes and requirements The Owners may have all the facilities they need to enjoy of her owners to an exceptional degree. With helipads on both their disappearing act but we have a sneaking suspicion that this the sun deck aft and bow area, Vanish will serve as a springboard Feadship will still receive a great deal of attention from admirers to a world of adventures. In addition to the Owners’ inspired brief, wherever she travels in the world. Vanish also incorporates the ideas of Eidsgaard Design, giving her the most functional and aesthetically pleasing solutions possible in every respect. Her powerful exterior profile is softened by harmonious lines and the use of varnished teak, including cap rails with a diameter of more than 25 centimetres. She also has an unusual transom which was designed to provide intimate contact with the water while meeting the owners’ desire not to feel intimidated by the hull’s bulk when arriving by tender or swimming from the sea terrace. Another cool example of fresh thinking is the full-height atrium with its free-standing staircase and breathtaking wall of glass, a unique feature on a 66-metre yacht. The balcony for the full-beam Owner’s suite is another hugely impressive feat of engineering without precedent. A teak covered platform slides out TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS LENGTH OVERALL: BEAM: DRAFT: HULL & SUPERSTRUCTURE: ACCOMMODATION: ENGINES: SPEED: RANGE: NAVAL ARCHITECTURE: EXTERIOR DESIGN: from under the starboard companionway using an innovative pull out mechanism, locking in place flush with the floor level of the stateroom to give a seamless transition through glass sliding doors. INTERIOR DESIGN: DELIVERY: BUILDER:FEADSHIP 66.25 M 11.80 M 3.45 M STEEL AND ALUMINIUM 6 GUEST SUITES, 17 CREW IN 9 CABINS 2 X MTU 16V4000 M63L, 2240KW @ 1800 RPM 17.5 KNOTS 5,200 NM @ 12 KNOTS FEADSHIP DE VOOGT NAVAL ARCHITECTS EIDSGAARD DESIGN/FEADSHIP DE VOOGT NAVAL ARCHITECTS EIDSGAARD DESIGN 2016 In addition to the Owner’s quarters there are four guest suites and a large VIP stateroom on the main deck that can be converted into two further guest suites if needed. 17 crew members can be accommodated to ensure premium service to all who step aboard this wonderful vessel. 194 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 Tel: +31 (0)23 524 7000 Email: [email protected] www.feadship.nl FIGHTING FIRES ARE YOU FIT TO REFRESH? BY ANNA PERCIVAL-HARRIS N LATE 2013, THE MARITIME & COASTGUARD AGENCY There is a small fly in the ointment, called Advanced Sea issued Marine Information Note 469. What lay within its Survival for Yachtsmen. Many crew who have done their safety thirteen pages was an enigma to many people, along with a courses outside of the UK will hold this certificate, instead of the foggily distant implementation date of 1st January 2017. PSC&RB. It is by no means an inferior certificate – it is accepted Fast forward to Summer 2016 – panic has set in, few have by the MCA as an equivalent to the PSC&RB. It is not, however, completely digested what is required of them, MIN 469 has been an STCW course, therefore it cannot currently be updated by replaced by MSN 1865, and there are now just six months until attending the general refresher courses. That said, the MCA are, as D-Day. Allow me to enlighten you as to what you, and your fellow I type, compiling another M Notice. This will detail how holders of seafarers, must do prior to this much talked about date. the Advanced Sea Survival can update this course, alongside their If you hold any of the following certificates: shipmates who hold PSC&RB. a) Personal Survival Techniques (PST) b) Proficiency in Survival Craft and Rescue Boats (PSC&RB) c) Proficiency in Fast Rescue Boats (PFRB) Now we have cleared that up – what does this mean for the Yachting industry? In theory, crew should have been doing this training during d) Basic Fire Fighting 2016, so that they have the certificates in place before the e) Advanced Fire Fighting deadline. However, many people are waiting until the last minute, so they have a full five years with their new certificates, before You must, as of 1st January 2017, have gained the certificate having to refresh again. within the last five years. If you did the course more than five years There are thousands of crew in the yachting industry, ago, you must complete the updating training (subsequently, this whose certificates are more than five years old – if a course was must also be updated every five years). run every week for the next six months, it wouldn’t be possible to (The list above has been edited for simplicity, as the get them all trained. There are going to be many crew who don’t majority of Yacht crew hold those certificates. There are many have the certificates in time – what will this mean for them when older style certificates which are also on the list. I would advise Port State Control pay a visit? you to read MSN 1865 section 4.4, for a full run down of the courses, if you hold a pre-2000 safety certificate.) The M Notice states ‘from 1 January 2017 Port State Control Officers may require seafarers to provide documentary evidence YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 195 of having maintained the required standard of competence, to of 20 years, with whom they have celebrated births, marriages undertake the tasks, duties and responsibilities listed’. and built new yachts? Paris MoU consists of 27 participating maritime On the flip-side, this would open up senior positions for Administrations, and covers the waters of the European coastal those crew who have been qualified for a while, but who haven’t States and the North Atlantic basin from North America to been able to advance or be promoted. Europe. Its mission is to eliminate the operation of sub-standard In issue 28 of this publication, I wrote about the ships through a harmonised system of Port State Control. introduction of the Human Element Leadership & Management The basic principle of their inspections is that the prime (HELM) course. The feedback from most of the students who have responsibility for compliance with the requirements laid down in undertaken the HELM course since its inception is that there are the international maritime conventions lies with the ship owner/ good principles being taught, which they have learned from and operator. Responsibility for ensuring such compliance remains will endeavour to conduct themselves in the manner encouraged. with the flag State.¹ However, this course is not mandatory for those who already This means that as part of a uniform system, all European hold their CoC, and is not required when revalidating a CoC. This countries should impose sanctions in the same way. However, means that there are senior officers out there who are running there will always be differences depending on the individual their department in a way that goes against what the younger dealing with each case. This is just European waters – take crew have been taught. This vast difference in management styles your vessel across the Atlantic and there is a different authority and opinions on how a crew should be run is the reason for many imposing the rules. There are many MoUs around the world, all crew changes, and poorly run yachts. working from the same set of regulations, produced by the IMO. Is there a chance that we could see a fresh approach to How they interpret them, however, may be slightly different to managing a crew, by letting those more recently qualified take a each other. more senior role? Some crew tell us that since participating in the In the bleakest of port state control inspection scenarios, a HELM course, they try their best to implement what they have vessel to which SOLAS applies could be detained, if a member of learned, but their ‘old school’ senior officers stifle this eagerness crew did not hold the required current certification, in compliance to develop healthy working styles. with STCW Chapter VI and the ship’s safe manning document.² This may be a baptism of fire for some – the idea of It is therefore in the interest of the Owner/Captain stepping up with a fresh CoC is not always a good one, but others to ensure all crew are trained, and to give them the may breathe a sigh of relief. Will we see the back of the Captain opportunity to leave the yacht to attend the updating courses. who sits at a desk reading emails, then forwarding them on to the The last thing anyone needs is their New Year charter being Chief Mate to action; the Chief Engineer who shows their face in put on hold because the second Engineer couldn’t get away to the engine room once in a blue moon, leaving the other Engineers do a short course. to maintain and work on the yachts various systems? With this The updating courses themselves are fairly straightforward, and are simply a compact version of the full courses. However, the older generation of crew gone, would this be a chance for the younger crew to shine, or would it be a calamity? prospect of hauling oneself into a liferaft, 20 years after doing the There is no way of knowing how many people will leave training for the first time, does not appeal to some of our older the industry because of these new requirements. There are generation of seafarers. Many senior crew members are seriously positives and negatives to be taken from a change in crew for considering hanging up their oilskins in favour of a life ashore. In any yacht. Let’s hope that the majority think like our 61 year old early 2015 I watched a presentation from an HR Manager of a Chief Mate, who saw value in refreshing his training, revalidating large ferry company. They were alarmed by the number of older his CoC, and continuing his life on the ocean wave. >\|\| crew telling them that they planned to retire before January 2017. For that very reason, one of our own instructors who teaches ¹ Source https://www.parismou.org/about-us/organisation here during his rotational time at home, has decided to retire and ² SOLAS – International Convention for the Safety of Life at come ashore. His 61 year old Chief Mate, however, has completed Sea. STCW – International Convention on Standards of Training, the refresher training, and is fully certified until he reaches Certification and Watchkeeping for Seafarers retirement age. The possibility of a mass exodus come Christmas is quite Anna Percival-Harris is Managing Director and co-founder of JPMA/ concerning for the yachting industry. Years of experience, local Hoylake Sailing School, a yacht training provider based in Hoylake, UK. knowledge, relationships with owners/guests would be lost in an instant. How many bosses will lose their Captain and Chief Stew 196 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 Contact: [email protected] THE YACHTING MATTERS GUIDE TO SUPERYACHT REFIT & REPAIR FACILITIES IN THIS EDITION: AMICO & CO AMICO LOANO ASTILLEROS DE MALLORCA LUSBEN MONACO MARINE â€“ LA CIOTAT PHOTOGRAPH SUPPLIED BY AMICO & CO YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 197 AMICO & CO SRL MICO & CO IS ONE OF THE VERY FEW MAJOR SUPERYACHT REFIT AND REPAIR AMICO & CO SRL Via dei Pescatori, 16128 Genova, Italy Contact: Mr. Filippo Censi Buffarini Technical & Customer Care Manager Tel: +39 0102470067 Email: [email protected] Web: www.amicoshipyard.com centres worldwide and has developed facilities at its Genoa yard to meet the precise requirements of superyacht refit and repair. Amico & Co can cater for all work, whether the project is just to refresh the paintwork or a major conversion that may take a year or more. The yard can handle any type or size of yacht including the latest generation of large sailboats. It also specialises in working on classic and antique yachts where dedicated care is required. SUITABLE FOR VESSELS OF: 18 M – 200 M Since 1991 the continual growth of the Amico & Co shipyard has given testament to its leadership IN HOUSE FACILITIES: 11 paint-reﬁt sheds, 24 berths max 110 m LOA, in-house departments: Engineering, shaft alignment, engine and generator servicing and reconditioning, ship’s technical systems. Paint work, from primer application to topcoat reﬁnishing. Wood carpentry, teak decking and yacht interior refurbishment. Electrical workshop. Ofﬁcial services: MTU, Caterpillar, Northern Lights and Idromar. in the refit & repair industry and the yard itself has a 30,000 m2 surface which includes 11 refit and repair MAIN LOCAL CONTRACTORS: All trades Drydock: Max length of vessel 200 m Travel lift: 320 and 835 t Cranes: 18 t and 45 t Hard standing area: 30,000 m2 of docking and yard area Alongside berthing: Max 110 m Stern to berthing: Max 110 m Covered sheds: 11 x sheds up to 102 m LOA, brand new dry-dock shed 90 m LOA and 102 m covered graving dock inside the yard Tenting available: Yes Dayworkers allowed: Restricted Project ofﬁce available: Yes of up to 90 m LOA, with a 90 m brand new painting shed in the fore-section opened in late 2015. covered areas and paint sheds specifically designed for projects up to 102 m in length and equipped with forced ventilation systems to maintain necessary temperature/humidity/emission conditions. The company offers multiple dry-dock solutions: in 2014, Amico & Co inaugurated a new 102 m sheltered graving dry-dock with a 31 m airdraft inside the yard area, equipped with state-of-the art and environmentally friendly technical systems for paint overspray recovering and treatment, heating & lighting. The company also exclusively manages Dry-dock #2 in Genoa Port, a 200 m dry-dock suitable for two yachts The company is particularly renowned for its painting skills, whilst for engineering Amico & Co is an official contractor for leading companies such as MTU, Caterpillar, Northern Lights and Idromar. The company headquarters boasts a crew area equipped with satellite tv and Wi-Fi with 24/7 access by using the company provided crew badge. A dedicated multilingual concierge service caters for all accommodation, transport and any other client and crew requests. The yard is just minutes from central Genoa, a lively metropolis perfectly located for crews during their refit periods, with an international airport and great connections to all the major Italian cities and nearby ski resorts. The large number of clients who bring their yachts back to the shipyard for repeat work is testimony to the dedicated service and skill that Amico & Co can bring to repair and refit work. Amico & Co is a world leader in this field and has the in-house skills and management to make each job a satisfying experience for owners, captains, managers and crews as well as the shipyard. Project organisation and management procedures are fully integrated thanks to a management system which has been perfected over 25 years. This is an indispensable tool for both the Amico & Co team and for the Client, who is kept constantly informed and who can monitor the state of progress of his project. Amico & Co has a long experience of working to meet all Flag State and Class regulations and interacts with important associations such as Confindustria and ICOMIA and was the first shipyard in Italy to attain the environmental management standard certificate ISO 1400. 198 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 SHIPYARD FACTFILE AMICO LOANO MICO LOANO IS A REFIT AND REPAIR SHIPYARD FOR YACHTS UP TO 50 M LOA. It is the newest addition to the Amico Group and beneﬁts from the long experience and excellence achieved throughout the twenty years that the Amico name has been associated with the world of yachting. Throughout the Amico family’s reﬁt and repair experience in the maritime sector of over 100 years, quality, ﬂexibility and reliability have always been considered points of strength, a strength that has permitted Amico to establish itself as an Italian leader in the reﬁt business. The relationship of clearness, and the co-operation between the Customer and the Shipyard make Amico the ideal partner to evaluate and to perform every kind of project onboard as well as becoming the key reference point for the long term functionality of your yacht. Amico Loano is located within the beautiful conﬁnes of Marina di Loano, a facility that has been designed and developed to comply with very high qualitative standards never reached in Italy before, thus Loano is able to offer customers and visitors facilities and services that are able to satisfy every kind of request. The shipyard is able to perform work, from simple specialised services to more skilled reﬁts, both on large and small vessels, thanks to its fully equipped facilities that are linked to the professionalism and know-how of the Amico Loano staff. MAIN SERVICES OFFERED FOR SAILING AND MOTOR YACHTS: • Maintenance of hull & engine repairs. • High quality wood, iron, stainless steel, alloy, ﬁbreglass & carpentry work. • Surface protective treatments, plus hull & tank painting. • High quality paint re-ﬁnishing. • Specialists for mechanical projects. AMICO LOANO Lungomare Madonna del Loreto, Porto di Loano, Loano, Italy Contact: Mr. Franco Cattai - Shipyard Director Tel: +39 019 673765 Email: [email protected] SUITABLE FOR VESSELS: UP TO 50 M IN HOUSE FACILITIES: Engineering and ship systems. Anticorrosive treatments and ﬁnishing painting work; equipped spray cabin. Wood carpentry, ﬁbreglass works and joinery. Yard assistance and services. Technical support and project management. MAIN LOCAL CONTRACTORS: All trades Yard area: 8500 m2 Technical Marina: up to 70 m LOA Docking areas: 2 Covered shed: up to 24 m LOA Travel lift: 550 t Self-moved crane: 35 t Davit: 25 t Trolley lift n° 1: 300 t Trolley lift n° 2: 25 t Painting shed: Yes Workshops: 300 m2 Warehouse: Yes Storage areas: Yes • Hydraulic, electrical and electronic ship system maintenance. • Rig & deck equipment service. • Gear storage in a secure area, open and/or covered. SERVICE DEALER: MTU, Caterpillar, Northern Lights, Berg Idromar • Long term berthing available. YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 199 STILLEROS DE MALLORCA IS A REFIT AND REPAIR SHIPYARD FOR LUXURY ASTILLEROS DE MALLORCA Contramuelle Mollet, 11 E-07012 Palma de Mallorca Baleares, Spain sailing and motor yachts. It was first established in 1942 and pioneered the construction of a great variety of vessels. In the early 90s Mallorca started to become the focal point for Superyachts that run both the Caribbean and Mediterranean Contact: Diego Colon / Stefan Enders Tel: +34 971 710645 Email: [email protected] Web: www.astillerosdemallorca.com SUITABLE FOR VESSELS OF: seasons. Astilleros de Mallorca adapted to the requirements of this up and coming market and is considered today to be Mallorca’s Premier Shipyard. This recognition has been backed up by important awards such as the Boat International’s ‘Best Superyacht Refit’. IN HOUSE FACILITIES: Hull & structural work in: steel, aluminium, wood and composite plastics. Engineering: pipe-work, tanks, electrical and wiring, machinery overhaul and repair, shafts and propellers. Fitting-out work: joinery, furnishings, interior ﬁnishing, electronics, television, sat-com, sourcing/supply of ﬁttings. Exterior work: hull cleaning and painting, deck reﬁnishing, woodwork, sanding and varnishing. Exterior painting: aﬂoat under cover, ashore under cover. MAIN LOCAL CONTRACTORS: All trades Slipways: 4 x Max length 74m, Beam 11.5 m Weight 1700 tons, Draught 5.5 m Cranes: 3 x Max weight of lift 20 t Alongside berthing: Max length 100 m Max draught 7 m Stern to berthing: 4 available. Max 80 m Tenting available: Yes Dayworkers allowed: Controlled Project ofﬁce available: Yes 200 The yard’s workforce is proud to conserve the rich heritage of the old artisan’s tradition 25 M+ while constantly keeping an eye on the future. Astilleros de Mallorca has recently invested heavily with the purchase of state of the art equipment, the latest in technology and new machinery. Also the redeﬁned workshops have contributed to upgrade the facilities. The shipyard offers a full range of in-house services that include mechanical, electrical, stainless steel, carpentry, electronics and upholstery work. Despite having all their own departments and specialities, a yacht’s favourite supplier is welcome to join the project within the facilities. They will be supported by the experienced management team that will provide assessment in all the yacht’s requirements and needs. Astilleros has embraced the opportunities that the STP facilities have offered and expanded their business premises into this new working area; increasing their haul-out and working capacities. The professional Astilleros STP Team is based in ofﬁces 17 & 18 in the ‘RS Global Building’ and the unique, fully functioning mechanical and metal workshops are available for any speciﬁc job or complete reﬁt. With more than 30 years of experience completing reﬁts and repairs on approximately 120 yachts every year, the shipyard is honoured with a long list of loyal clients. YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 SHIPYARD FACTFILE VIAREGGIO LIVORNO HE LUSBEN REFIT & REPAIR FACILITIES AND ORGANISATION ARE BASED BOTH in Viareggio and Livorno and offer a wide range of services to cover all the assistance, maintenance and repair needs of superyachts and megayachts from 20 m to 120 m in LUSBEN – REFIT AND REPAIR Viareggio: Via Coppino, 441 – ITALY Livorno: Piazza Mazzini, 92 – ITALY • • Berthing Contact: Paolo Simoncini - Marco Nuovo Tel. +39 0584 3801486 (Viareggio) Tel: +39 0586 415621 (Livorno) Email: [email protected] • Documentation management and technical supervision • SUITABLE FOR VESSELS OF: 20 M – 130 M Across-the-board assistance length. The services that make Lusben your ideal partner include: In order to provide a comprehensive assistance service covering all owners’ needs, Lusben not only performs ordinary maintenance work, but also deals with administrative formalities, the most common being class renewals and upgrades in compliance with register rules, and assistance to other Shipyards that need our Services. Lusben performs signiﬁcant mechanical, structural and interior reﬁts, as well as providing the necessary support to upgrade systems, subdivision and insulation to meet the strict safety regulations in force for charter class vessels. All reﬁt and repair services are performed with the support of marine engineers and specialised technicians. REFIT AND REPAIR SERVICES Reﬁt and repair work is performed with the help of the best craftsmen in Viareggio and Livorno, the internationally recognised centres of yacht building excellence. The work is carried out by specialised workers for each individual area, with constant cost control. BERTHING Viareggio can offer over 15,000 m2 of water surface and moorings for about 40 yachts ranging in length from 20 m to 65 m. Livorno can offer moorings for 20 yachts ranging in length from 20 m to 65 m. IN HOUSE FACILITIES: Project management, engineering, mechanical, joinery, stainless steel. MAIN LOCAL CONTRACTORS : All trades REFIT & REPAIR – VIAREGGIO Travel lift: 600 t Crane: 30 t Trolley: 250 t Trolley: 80 t Seafront area: 30,000 m2 Paint shed: up to 60 m Environmentally controlled and dust free Crew Accommodation: Yes REFIT & REPAIR – LIVORNO Travel lift: 300 t Yes Cranes: Trolley: 1050 t Floating dock: (110 m) 18,000 t Drydock: 145 m Ship lift: 2500 t Seafront area: 45,000 m2 Crew Accommodation: Yes Quality, ﬁnancial transparency, good planning, superb craftsmanship, internal project management, full warranty on the jobs carried out and spirited co-operation with owners, owners representatives or yacht management and Shipyards. This is what has made the Lusben reﬁt yard today one of the most successful and respected reﬁt yards in the world. YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 201 MONACO MARINE – LA CIOTAT 46 Quai François Mitterrand BP 80039 13600 La Ciotat Cedex - France serviceshipyards ITH SIX SHIPYARDS ON THE FRENCH RIVIERA LOCATED IN Monaco, Beaulieu Sur Mer, St Laurent du Var, Antibes, Golfe de St Tropez, La Ciotat, Monaco Marine can support and assist you during your stay in Contact: Vincent Larroque Group Sales Director Tel : +33 (0)4 42 36 12 12 Email: [email protected] Web: www.monacomarine.com the area and beyond. SUITABLE FOR VESSELS: from 20 to 45 m (300 t travelift) and position them on 10 hard standing berths. For yachts 20 m – 200 m+ Monaco Marine shipyard in La Ciotat is dedicated to superyachts and is today the largest facility of its kind in the Mediterranean. It can haul out yachts between 45 and 80 m (2000 t Yachtlift) with a total of 14 hard standing berths for them. It can also haul out boats IN HOUSE FACILITIES: Project management, 3D modeling, hull & structural work in steel, aluminium & wood. Engineering: Electrical & wiring, pipework, mechanical, machinery overhaul, shaft & propeller, stainless steel. Painting. Interior finishing, carpentry. 24 hard standing berths beyond 2000 tons the yard disposes of a 360 m dry dock that has no limits in the current or MAIN LOCAL CONTRACTORS: All trades Drydock: Max length of vessel 360 m Travel lift: Max weight of vessel 300 t Lifting dock: 2000 ton Yachtlift® Cranes: Max weight of vessel 250 t Hard standing area: 45,000 sqm Alongside berthing: 1500 m Stern to berthing: N/A Covered sheds: 90 m hard standing paint shed Tenting available: Yes Dayworkers allowed: Restricted Project office available: Yes refit and they can benefit from established relationships with leading contractors in various even future yacht size range. Thanks to the unique layout and transfer system of the La Ciotat shipyard, yachts can be hauled out or launched in less than a day, independently from one another. Monaco Marine shipyard in La Ciotat has gained the confidence of more than 100 yachts that have been serviced there since its opening in 2007. The specialised staff can perform any task from simple maintenance to complete specialties. The yard can count on a proven track record of successful high quality paint jobs thanks to the qualification of its teams and contractors and to its unique 90 m paint shed equipped with a complete air ventilation and heating system. ISO 9001 and ISO 14001 certifications are a further proof of Monaco Marine’s commitment to quality and to customer service. Our team of project managers will ensure a close follow up of your repair project and help you prepare for your next sailing while remaining available afterwards to assist you in any follow up you may need during the course of the season. The 6 shipyards of the group : Monaco • Beaulieu sur Mer • St Laurent du Var • Antibes • Golfe de St Tropez • La Ciotat 202 YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 YACHT SECURITY UPGRADES AND MAINTENANCE BY DEAN LA VEY ECURITY ON MAJOR YACHTS IS SOMETHING MANY have no plan for maintenance or eventual upgrade or replacement people simply take for granted. It is assumed for example and the main cause of the problem is the ‘consultant’ or company that ‘some’ sort of security system is employed to keep that installed it. Many failed camera components are not accessible, owners, crew, guests and the vessel itself safe from potential and many camera formats are no longer manufactured. The result threats either real or perceived. In fact many levels of security in most cases is the removal of ceilings and a lot of re-fabrication. In on yachts are inadequate and the systems on-board poorly addition, modern CCTV cameras still only have a one year warranty, maintained. What was ‘state of the art’ security technology when however in many cases the CCTV system was spec’d and purchased the yacht was launched; becomes totally obsolete within two years up to a year or more before the vessel’s launch! Another major issue unless properly maintained. is the recording facility and operating systems. An ‘entertainment’ system installer recently contacted this author to ask why their CCTV newly installed IP camera system wouldn’t work. The problem – If there is one area where most major yachts fail in security, it is in they were still running on Windows XP and the new IP cameras the field of CCTV. Many vessels have systems that are so inadequate, had no idea what Windows XP was! This was also the least of their that they may as well have no system at all. Salt water corrosion, problems. The domestic hard disk recorder they had purchased for camera housings full of water and severed cabling are common £350 UK pounds ‘on the net’ didn’t even have a hard disk installed place, yet these are minor symptoms of a larger issue. Most systems so wouldn’t have recorded anything anyway! Why pay upwards YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 203 YACHT SECURITY of 4 k for a top end recorder when you can get one for under 1 k? nickel plated, become completely inoperable when exposed to salt Well, on a 100 million dollar yacht you would expect ‘top end’. There water. Here again lies the problem – cost! Nickel plated magnetic is however a leap to install cheaper systems with most coming from locks are expensive and the conventional units are not. Nickel the Far East. Like all things – you get what you pay for! plated units are also larger in size and require larger power supplies. Replacing a conventional magnetic lock cut into the door frame is ACCESS CONTROL not an easy job and sometimes not possible at all; finding a suitable Modern Automated Access Control systems whether Proximity place for a larger PSU is also an issue. or Biometric are now a common sight on yachts of all sizes, 204 however control hardware and software for these systems change OPERATING SYSTEMS regularly. Paxton Access’ Net2 for example has been superseded It wasn’t that long ago that everything related to computerised some six times now with much of their original system no operation of ship’s automated systems, from engine management longer supported. The new Net2 Plus system however supports to radar user interfaces ran on Windows XP. It was pretty bulletproof all upcoming hardware and their entire range has a five year rock and reasonable for IT developers. Fast forward to 2016 and many solid warranty. The importance of maintenance on Access Control systems are still running on Windows XP, an operating system now systems cannot be overstated especially on automated lock release largely unsupported by Microsoft. It is also a system incompatible on fire and emergency alerts. Having said this, it is sometimes the with newer hardware. So why are many vessels still on XP? Well, the smaller simple elements that let automated access control systems problem arises because a great deal of the equipment installed that down and in particular on external doors. Most automated lock and ran on XP, won’t run on Windows 7 , 8 or 10 and some that ran on latch releases are made of ferrous metal. Salt water can corrode the Windows 7, won’t operate on Windows 8 or 10. It means you have contacts on these types of locks in months. Magnetic locks, unless to replace that equipment with equipment that will run on the new YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 YACHT SECURITY operating system. CCTV systems, Access Control and even Thermal maintained and operated. The bottom line here is that security Imagers fall foul of this problem. A great deal of the time you can’t on a yacht is not the same as security on dry land! Owners, replace one without replacing the other. Of course Microsoft can project managers and designers should be speaking to consultants afford to change their systems as and when they like, however dedicated to the task at hand. To date a great many do not and the for software developers it can be a long and expensive process to results are plain to see in many a marina. Why pay a consultant get new software operating and licensed. In essence as much as it when the ‘guy’ doing the lighting says he can do it far cheaper! PREVIOUS PAGE AND LEFT: THIS PAN TILT AND ZOOM CONTROLLER WAS NEWLY SUPPLIED TO A 90 M YACHT IN MARCH 2016 THE MANUFACTURER, ‘FORWARD VISION’, CEASED TRADING IN 2008 may mean a system rebuild, it is something that has to be done at some stage if a system is to be brought up to date. Another thing MAINTENANCE to consider is that operating systems such as Windows XP are If you own a high performance car, you need to service it to maintain more open to cyber-attack and hacking than the latest Windows the performance you expect and take for granted and reduce operating systems. the probability of it breaking down. It’s no different with security systems whether they are ‘high end’ or not. Security systems are by UPGRADABLE ARCHITECTURE nature designed to reduce and hopefully eliminate the risk to life Any security system installed on a yacht has to have the ability to and protect the vessel itself. It’s technically more important than morph and change as new hardware and software comes online the performance of a car! The experience of this author however, without the need to completely rebuild that system. It’s generically is that you only get a call when the system actually breaks down known as upgradable architecture and it basically means that around two years after the system was installed! The reality of the the system has the facility to have newer hardware and software breakdown can soon be at odds with the owner’s expectation of a interfaces installed to keep the system up to date. Camera modules quick fix. System maintenance schedules are essential on security and Access Control readers should be able to be replaced without systems – period! Don’t wait until it breaks down. having to replace the actual housing and surrounding fabrication. It is also plain common sense to supply spare parts for these systems FUTURE TRENDS that the ship’s engineer can fit quickly and easily. Maritime security within the yachting industry is still an evolving business. As technology advances, we will see more applications for MARITIME SECURITY CONSULTANTS that technology being applied within the industry. It is important Why is it that the security system of a major yacht can be in the to ensure that whatever system or concept is employed on yachts hands of someone who has no basic understanding of maritime is able to be properly maintained and be fully upgradable. It should security? A credible marine security consultant will have an in-depth also be the best available for the task at hand. Let’s face it – when knowledge of the issues specifically affecting security on-board a you buy body armour, you don’t make your choice based on the major yacht. These issues relate not only to the best and most up price; you make your choice on its ability to stop a bullet! >\|\| to date equipment today, but also what is being developed within the next three years. What they specify must allow for contingency for new developments, have upgradable architecture and be easily Contact: [email protected] DO YOUR BIT FOR THE ENVIRONMENT! Recycle this magazine by passing it on to a colleague! YACHTING MATTERS & THE YACHT OWNER ISSUE 31 205 THIS EDITION WAS MADE POSSIBLE WITH THANKS TO THE FOLLOWING ADVERTISERS A1 Yacht Trade Consortium A and D Yachting 47 Mid Atlantic Yacht Services Mobius Absolute Boat Care 79 6&7 143 17 155 87 55 121 75 & Card AGENTS ALL SERVICES S.R.L Via Del Castillo, 17, Portosole, San Remo 18038, Italy T: +39 0184 533533 F: +39 0184 531035 E: [email protected] www.as1980.com Contact: Dr. Alessandro Sartore – Broker/Ship Agent MID ATLANTIC YACHT SERVICES Rua Cons. M. da Silveira, 3, Horta, Faial, Azores PT9900-144, Portugal T: +351 292 391616 E: [email protected] Contact: Duncan Sweet – Managing Director www.midatlanticyachtservices.com All Services, a highly reputable ship agent based in Sanremo Italy, has been assisting Yachts throughout the Mediterranean since 1980. Whatever your needs in all ports along the Cote D’Azur, the entire Italian coast and beyond, All Services are there for you. The one address for all crew/vessel needs in the middle of the North Atlantic, specializing in full services for Trans-Atlantic yachts crossing to Europe. Founded in 1993 Mid Atlantic can address all needs of Yacht Captains, vessel and Crew and provides customized shore support in all areas, be it a mid passage stop-over or as critical shore based support when cruising the Azores with owners and guests. Specializing in yacht agency, bunkered fuel, VAT payment/importation & chandlery. Advance notice of arrival always encouraged and appreciated. AGENTS CARPETS S & D YACHTS LTD. Seabreeze. Guiseppe Cali Street, Ta’Xbiex MSD 14, Malta T: +356 21331515 F: +356 21332259 E: [email protected] www.sdyachts.com Contact: Peter Fiorini Lowell – Director TAI PING CARPETS EUROPE S.A Hôtel de Livry, 23, rue de l’Université, 75007 Paris - France T: +33 (0)1 53 45 90 65 F: +33 (0)1 40 20 90 71 M (France): +33 (0)6 09 76 83 75 M (UK): +44 (0)7800 848 973 Tai Ping Chelsea Harbour, 406-407 Design Centre East, London, SW10 0XF T: +44 (0) 207 808 9655 F: +44 (0) 207 808 9659 E: [email protected] www.taipingcarpets.com Contact: Xavier Bonnamy – Yacht Division Global Manager S&D Yachts were established in mid 1976 to cater for all the visiting yachtsmen to Malta. We offer berthing arrangement, Customs & Police Immigration clearance in/outwards, Duty-free fuel & Provisions, in-water repairs as well as yard repairs. We are now also operating from Tunisia. Tai Ping Carpets is the world’s leading manufacturer of luxury custom carpets and has developed a special Yacht Division. Yachts recently delivered: MY Ocean Victory, MY Quantum Blue, MY Symphony, MY Inﬁnity, MY Vava II, MY Ace, MY Musashi, MY Hampshire II, MY Grace E, MY Madame GU, MY Chopi Chopi, MY Stella Maris, MY Z, MY Como, MY Kiss, MY Hey Jude, MY Okto, MY Formosa, MY Madame Kate, MY Vanish, MY Moon Sand. DECK FITTINGS/SWIM LADDERS GLASS AND TANK MONITORING MULTIPLEX GMBH Zur Westpier 3 28755 Bremen T: +49 421 8350 100 F: +49 421 67 88 68 Email: [email protected] www.multiplexgmbh.com Contact: Jan Reiners – CEO TILSE INDUSTRIE-UND SCHIFFSTECHNIK GMBH Sottorfallee 12, 22529 Hamburg, Germany T: +49 (0)40 43 20 80 80 F: +49 (0)40 43 20 80 888 E: [email protected] www.tilse.com Contact: Hans-Joachim Tilse – Managing Director Multiplex GmbH was established in 1986 and specializes in the design and production of light weight marine composite solutions built from carbon ﬁbre such as Sun Awning Systems and Swimming Ladders. Consistently supplying top notch services and products. Founded in 1974 TILSE Industrie specialises in the design, production and installation of marine glass to power and sail vessels in the Superyacht Industry worldwide. Amongst our many specialities is the production of curved glass that helps to complement the graceful lines of today’s modern yachts. Our well-known brands are FORMGLAS SPEZIAL® plane and bent glass, MICROCLEAR® heated glass made out of FORMGLAS SPEZIAL®, SOLARDIM® compound glass made out of FORMGLAS SPEZIAL® with dimmer function. NEW PRODUCT – ﬁre-proof glazing A0/A60. LAWYERS – MARINE SPECIALISTS MARINAS HILL DICKINSON LLP 105 Jermyn Street, St James’s London SW1Y 6EE, UK T: +44 (0)20 7283 9033 E: [email protected] Contact: Tony Allen Palais Saint James, 5 avenue Princesse Alice, 98000 Monaco T: +377 9770 0460 E: [email protected] Contact: David Reardon www.hilldickinson.com/yachts ANTIGUA YACHT CLUB MARINA Falmouth Harbour, Antigua T: +1 (268) 460 1544 F: +1 (268) 460 1444 E: [email protected] www.aycmarina.com Carlo Falcone - Managing Director Hill Dickinson’s yacht team is the market leader in the provision of legal services to the superyacht industry. In addition to its yachting and yacht ﬁnance capability, the ﬁrm’s expertise in all areas of marine law is internationally renowned. 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Which artist’s works include 32 Campbell’s soup cans?	(Satire) - Articles (Satire) Follow me, I will follow you! Twitter: @GoodloveRev, Like The Right Reverend Dr.Thurgood Goodlove on Facebook: 1/20/16 Lions & Tigers & Grizzlies, Oh My! Hola flocksters! America's on the precipice of being great again! I'm SO EXCITED and I just can't hide it!!! Trump's pick for Education Secretary, Betsy DeVos wants guns in our schools! YES!!! Because of dangerous grizzly bears, students need to be armed - brilliant!!! During the senate confirmation hearing Connecticut Yankee, Senator Chris Murphy questioned Mrs. DeVos on Tuesday (17th) about her stance on guns in schools. President Trump (it feels great to no longer have to say president-elect!!!), while on the campaign trail, vowed to end gun-free school zones! This will undoubtedly prevent mass shootings like the one that happened in Connecticut, which Murphy represents. As we all know, crime is at 0% in 100% of states with open carry laws. Well, maybe not quite 0% but close enough! Although DeVos nor her husband have ever held public office (He lost his bid for governor of Michigan in the Republican primaries.), they're big money Republican donors who are very interested in education. Why shouldn't that be enough? She's obviously concerned about the students' Second Amendment rights! Murphy asked her where she stood on ending gun-free school zones. She countered with our standard, tried, and true response: leave it up to the states to decide. Bam - a three from the corner! Of course that libtard Senator Murphy was unrelenting. He continued to press. Then DeVos found a way out! She referenced Wyoming Senator Mike Enzi of Wyoming! There's this one school in Wyoming which has fences around it to protect from grizzly bears. Mrs. DeVos stated that this one school in Wyoming could be better protected with guns! The statement drew laughter but let's analyze it objectively. The grizzly tries to get to the innocent young school children. He can't. It would be a he because as everyone knows female bears don't attack precious children - due to their maternal instincts. Although the kids are safe that time because of the fence that predatory menace is still out there! However, if one of those kids had a gun they could eliminate the threat forever! Now I understand that part of the problem in a place like Chicago for example, is that the kids do have guns. That being said, we can't talk about that because the NRA is currently very pleased with Mrs. DeVos! ~ GGA100.com 1/19/17 Trump Slams CIA Director! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! Go The Donald, go!!! President-elect Trump takes no mess! That's why we on the right love him so! Outgoing CIA Director John Brennan was interviewed on Sunday (14th) by Fox News' Chris Wallace. During that interview Brennan had the downright temerity to chastise the incoming president! Did he not hear Trump staffers insist that people stop criticizing President-elect Trump??? Did he not see the president-elect excoriate Alec Baldwin for making a mockery of him with his SNL impressions??? Well, this empty suit Brennan told Wallace that his responsibility was to make sure that the Trump administration understood the dangers that are out there. President-elect Trump was having none of it! He took to Twitter and accused Brennan himself of leaking embarrassing news about Trump's proclivities for, how should I put this? Ummmm, warm, flowing liquid pleasures... Well, truthfully, it was some gossipy bloke from Britain's version of the CIA, MI-6, one Christopher Steele, who did the leaking! Why did Trump have to use the word leak??? OK, OK, you juvenile libtards go on and enjoy yourselves... Leaking, golden showers, Russian prostitutes, group sex, I know that's what you degenerates love talking and thinking about... Sure, you go on and revel in your wicked lasciviousness! Trump may have gotten the snitch wrong but he's right to go after our intelligence agencies because their insistence on warning both Trump and Obama about the "dangers" of Russia hacking our elections prior to Election Day was only done to illegitimate my president! I mean, let's be fair. If you leave your front door open and I go in there and rob you blind, which of us is really at fault??? Is it me for stealing everything in your house or is it you for not securing your home? Of course it's you who is at fault! Now granted, if I'm caught and I tell that to the judge he's going to put me away! Technically stealing is both a sin and a crime. However, Russia nor Putin are going to get any jail time! I know that what they did was wrong and I begrudgingly am willing to admit that. All that notwithstanding, MY GUY WON!!! In the grand scheme of things that's ALL that really matters! The Republicans won and the Democrats lost!!! The why and how are completely irrelevant because it went our way!!! ~ GGA100.com 1/18/17 Shut Up Darkie! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! President-elect Trump put civil rights legend John Lewis in his place! People just insist on sniping away at my president! John Lewis called the president-elect "not legitimate." When I learned of this of course I was fuming! John Lewis has represented Georgia's 5th congressional district for almost 30 years. His district is predominately darkie in nature. It includes a large chunk of Atlanta, central Fulton County, as well as parts of DeKalb County, Clayton County, in addition to the suburbs of East Point, Druid Hills, and Forest Park. In retaliation to Lewis' "not legitimate" remarks, Trump to to Twitter on Saturday (14th)! The president-elect tweeted that the darkie should focus on his district and "the burning and crime infested inner-cities." Ooh, burn! Although there are affluent areas of Lewis' district, given that he's a darkie, Trump was right to tell Lewis to worry about the rampant crime in his own district and not to go calling the president-elect an illegitimate president! Although more of Lewis' district is middle class or higher, as opposed to impoverished. is not important here. When we think of darkies, conservative or libtard alike, we all think crime - rampant crime! When someone as powerful as the soon to be president says it, it resonates even more! Trump also tweeted that Lewis' district is "in horrible shape and falling apart (not to mention crime infested)." This was so brilliant on so many levels!!! We've got Jefferson Beauregard Sessions up for the attorney general (AG) post. Given that Trump has painted the inner-cities as desolate and terrifying war zones - throughout his campaign, and he continues to do so now, people will begin to warm up to a Jefferson Beauregard Sessions as our AG! With darkies so out of control we need someone in there who's going to round then up and lock them up! The '94 crime bill did put many a darkie behind bars, this is true. But an overtly hostile law enforcement mechanism that will treat darkies and illegals like animals is exactly what's needed to Make America Great Again! I know that darkies took offense to the president-elect popping off against their civil rights icon who nearly got himself killed in that movie Selma! As such, even more darkies are boycotting the inauguration... Well, only 10% of you people voted for Trump anyway so we could care less about your petty and insignificant little feelings! The law & order president's AG will no longer persecute the police just because they enjoy killing darkies! The days of political correctness are OVER!!! The white man will speak his mind no matter who takes offense! Yes, we are truly great again!!! ~ GGA100.com 1/17/17 Take Some Personal Responsibility Sickies!!! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! Finally, order's being restored! It took nearly seven years but Obamacare is in the beginning stages of dying a protracted and painful death! YES!!! No bill containing more than 2,000 pages could EVER have been actually understood! We Republicans like our bills short so that we can comprehend them! For example, that hurriedly comprised one page handwritten talking points document and the one-page hastily put together handwritten agreement that Hank Paulson, the then Treasury Secretary, presented to the heads of the nine major banks. That led to the government just handing over, for free, nearly $17 trillion, according to Forbes, to the wealthiest banks back in September '08! Good for them!!! As such, when bills are too long they generally don't benefit the wealthy to the degree that we would like. Consequently, they've got to go! I'll tell you what, I'm brimming over with glee! You'd think that I was that overly full drink that you left in the microwave too long! As least you don't have to clean me up because I'm already as pure as the driven snow! Well, our GOP controlled congress has IMMEDIATELY cleaned up that mess left by Obama!!! As EVERY real Republican knows, the free market cures all! How are insurance companies supposed to pay their CEO a billion dollars a year if they're forced to take on sick people??? Before the oppressive government rammed Obamacare down our throats insurers would tell cancer patients, HIV patients, emphysema patients, et al, to kick rocks! It was either that or kick out tens of thousands of dollars to get covered! People this is capitalism, not some gay bleeding heart charity! If you wanted to be healed for free then you should've been alive and living in Galilee during the days that our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ walked the earth! Since you're not you should've set your life up in a way that you could easily afford to shell out millions of dollars for your care sickie! You are your responsibility - not mine! I'm tired of having to pay taxes in order to provide healthcare for a bunch of useless eaters!!! Way to go Paul Ryan & company, company being the key word here! ~ GGA100.com 1/16/17 MLK Day ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! It should come as no surprise that I'm no fan of darkies who are not good negroes! Although we on the right have rebranded Martin Luther King as a Republican icon, I disagree with the whole concept - strongly! MLK was a complete troublemaker!!! He even strongly advocated for the poor with his redistribution of wealth communistic Poor People's Campaign!!! It's primarily because of him that darkies began not knowing their place!!! He was the main impetus behind the Voting Rights Act of 1965! It took us almost 50 years to have our conservative Supreme Court to gut it! Now we have voter ID laws which prevent dirty others from being able to vote! YES!!! Look, I get it. It was Ronald Reagan who signed the MLK holiday into law back in 1983. Given that he's our all time Republican god and Gipper, we had to find a way to spin this! No way would St. Ronnie honor a non-good negro in this way! I'm sure that there were some good negroes around back then in the mold of an Uncle Ben Carson, Larry Elder, and Sheriff David Clarke, but there was no Fox News to put them on then so they aren't widely known today. Therefore, we had to create a good negro out of whole cloth. That's when we started saying that MLK was a Republican. In all actuality he was nonpartisan. I know that's hard to conceive of in today's overly polarized America but back then MLK was neither a Republican nor a Democrat. In a 1958 interview King said, "I'm not inextricably bound to either party." He also stated in a 1952 letter that his economic theory was more socialistic than capitalistic. But what we on the right do better than anyone is manipulate history! Although we know that King wasn't a Republican, we also know that Republicans are lazy and in large part stupid. All we have to do is say a thing enough and our voters and other weak minded people too, swallow it hook, line, and sinker! The great Larry Speaks, Reagan's press secretary, said it best. "If you tell the same story five times, it's true." The fact that his name was actually Speaks was just the icing on the cake! He spoke truth to power because he certainly knew to quintuple the lie! So happy day off from work to our iconic Republican darkie honoree. I'd have to be mighty stupid to hate a person who I've never met so much that I'd refuse a paid day off from work!!! For that matter, I'd have to be just as stupid to refuse a paid off day for someone who I did know too!!! ~ GGA100.com 1/13/17 Grow Up Dems, You Lost!!! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! So what if Russian hacking put Trump into the White House! I don't care - we won!!! Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell nailed it! Democrats need to grow up and just approve all of President-elect Trump's nominees! After all, eight years ago the Republicans were exemplary with respect to all of Obama's appointments! The then Republican minority bent over backwards to accommodate our first ever Darkie-in-Chief! They were so cooperative that it was absolutely sickening in retrospect! Now people want to dwell on those meetings in December of 2008, and January of 2009, that Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan, the current leaders of both houses of congress, attended respectively, before Obama took office. Now I'll admit that the timing was a bit embarrassing, given that Obama hadn't even started yet. However, no one was supposed to even know about those meetings! I also know that McConnell, the US Senator from the Bluegrass State, unequivocally stated, right out of the gate, that his number one goal was to make Obama a one-term president. That also kind of sounds bad, but we had never before had to deal with the absolute tragedy of a darkie president!!! Then when you couple that with the fact that the GOP plan to make him a one-termer didn't work, it does seem kind of tough. But that was eight long years ago! It's time to get past that! You libtards need to stop living in the past and give our president a chance! In order to show us that you're serious about being a grownup the only way to demonstrate it is to go along with everything our president puts forward! Look, I get that we Republicans have left several Obama nominated federal judgeships vacant. In fact, 10% of US district court judgeships remain vacant. That's nearly twice as many vacancies as Dubbya had when he was just about done with his second term. Despite the fact that Obama nominated a moderate who was overwhelmingly confirmed as a federal judge by Republicans (Merrick Garland, the current Chief Justice of the second highest court in the land, the US Court of Appeals for the DC Circuit) for Supreme Court justice, our Republican controlled senate refused to even hold confirmation hearings. However, people seem to want to ignore the fact that no darkie, I don't care if he's the undisputed king of the entire Milky Way galaxy, has any rights that a white man is bound to respect! Therefore, we were absolutely justified in our unprecedented level of party line obstruction! But now that a white man is soon to be back in the White House now is the time for healing the outrageous fissure that eight years of having a darkie as president has caused! ~ GGA100.com 1/12/17 Obama Out! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! Well, we've reached the end of an era. America's first Darkie-in-Chief said goodbye to America on Tuesday night (10th). Although most conservatives, me most certainly included, are happy to see him go, there was barely a dry eye in the place Tuesday night. Well that's because there was barely a real American in the place! Now that order's restored and a white man will again preside over the most prestigious office in the world, in retrospect, America somehow survived a darkie in the White House! Some may say we've even thrived. The beyond record level of consecutive months of job growth continues. The unemployment rate is nearly half what it was when when Obama took office. And the stock market has never seen such highs. There were also no foreign 911 style terror attacks here and Osama Bin Laden was killed. All that being said, after it was confirmed that Obama had won the first time, back in November of 2007, I wept for America!!! I honestly had no idea of how we would cope! This was NEVER supposed to happen!!! As Obama alerted the hometown Chicago crowd that he was wrapping up his farewell address, there was an audible and prolonged pained groan from the crowd. That's when the tears really started falling! No one has been more harsh on Obama than me but even I could sense the actual love that the crowd felt for their Darkie-in-Chief. Obama revised his hope and change and "yes we can" messages for the capacity crowd. He expressed hope in them, going forward. While he didn't come right out and say that the sky wasn't falling because President-elect Trump would be assuming office, he inferred it - strongly! Prior to reaching that point in his speech, Obama had basically scolded America for being so negative and intolerant as to elect Trump. Although he never mentioned Trump by name we knew that's who he was talking about! Here's precisely why I NEVER wanted to see a darkie in the White House! Because he undoubtedly would be uppity! Heaven help us all if a she darkie were ever to become president - talk about attitude and uppityness!!! Obama never once took the feelings of white America into consideration! How could we feel all positive when we've been subjected to eight years of darkie rule??? Of course we're going to go negative and low!!! Did Trump win both the primaries and the general by being overly negative, insulting, insensitive, ignorant, and vulgar? Why of course he did! How, because he was able to tap into the white frustration of having a darkie president for eight years - that's how! Trump looked to middle America and said, you're jobs are pouring out of the country! Well, those blue collar jobs have been leaving the country since the late 80s! But Trump brilliantly convinced these white working class men that this didn't start until the darkie took over! Well, the darkie wasn't president in August of 1992, when poppa Bush finalized all of the details of NAFTA, and the darkie wasn't president when poppa Bush formally signed it in December of 1992, after having lost the election. But praise The Lord that anger, bigotry, and anxiety, with a touch of just being stupid, prevented middle America from seeing through the lie! Now as the Savedest man in the history of the Republican Party, I certainly don't condone lying! I am however, pleased that it worked! So negativity and bigotry won the day for Trump. That's the world we live in now! People actually take pride in being petty! Of course negativism would rule the day in such an environment! ~ GGA100.com 1/11/17 Innocent Roughhousing ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! Back in October of 2015, a mentally disabled, or should I say, retarded, young darkie was anally raped by his white teammates. However, a plea deal was struck right before Christmas, which is why the story's unfortunately starting to resurface. With the holiday spirit in the air and an already tense atmosphere hanging over our heads like a dense London fog, with the war on Christmas raging and all, I didn't have time to cover this one. Well, back in October '15, members of the Dietrich High School football team were in the locker room. Dietrich is a small rural town in southern Idaho, of around 330 people. The darkie and his adopted siblings are the only darkies in the small town. With him being both a retard and a darkie, how in the world were they going to be able to keep him off of the team??? I just hope that the school wasn't forced to take up a roster spot because they were forced to put him on the team! Now, the darkie, being a darkie, was of course subjected to a long history of playful banter and witty repartee whenever citizens would encounter him. He was called such colorful names as 'Kool-Aid', 'chicken eater', 'watermelon', and the n-word, as well as a whole host of creative names, harmlessly inspired by his darkie hue. That being said, it was of course always good natured, and as such, shouldn't be dwelled upon. Well, the ring leader, John R.K. Howard, may have gotten just a wee bit overly rambunctious on that day in October of '15. He and two of his fellow white teammates playfully restrained the darkie and stuck a plastic hanger up his rectum. Howard, I'm sure completely by accident, repeatedly kicked the hanger further and further up the mentally disabled darkie's rectum, causing him to shriek in excruciating pain. Well, being that he was just a darkie and given that boys will be boys, no adult bothered to see what all of the commotion was about. Well, needless to say, young Mr. Howard was arrested and charged with sexual assault, which, if he had been found guilty, would've required him to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life! Deputy State's Attorney General, Casey Hemmer said that prosecutors would have been able to prove young Mr. Howard guilty. However, they didn't believe that it was appropriate for young Mr. Howard to have to suffer the consequences of being a registered sex offender! As such, young Mr. Howard was allowed to take a plea deal which was extremely harsh since the "victim" was just a mere darkie but I guess not as harsh as going to prison to get raped himself repeatedly - by coat hangers, would've been! I feel like he'd have been trapped in the 80s classic movie Mommie Dearest! No wire hangers!!! Instead he was given 2-3 years of probation and 300 hours of community service. The final sentencing phase doesn't take place until next month, which is why there's still some degree of ambiguity. ~ GGA100.com 1/10/17 Chicago!!! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! I had purposely chosen to ignore all of the hate incidents that seemed to erupt following the election of my president. As of November 29th, the New York Daily News reported more than 900 incidents of Trump supporters terrorizing dirty others. Now, I know how much that the media loves to sensationalize and highlight the hatred of Trumpers! However, 17 of those incidents were proven to have been hoaxes. That alone is enough for us on the right to invalidate ALL of them! For some reason that I'm yet to understand, libtards claim that Trump supporters are racists and/or bigots. Now, I had done something on the Trump supporters that tried to blow that apartment building up in Kansas that was full of Somalis. However, these poor patriots were worried that the election would be stolen from Trump. Therefore, we have to excuse them because they weren't in their right states of mind. Moreover, we can't count that one anyway because it occurred before the election. However, those more than 900 incidents of Trump supporter hate crimes have now been completely wiped out! That's because we have proof of darkies terrorizing a white man!!! And to put a nice pretty bow on the whole thing, it took place in Chicago!!! Now we've been using Chicago as exhibit A, in the utter dehumanizations of darkies ever since that Darkie-in-Chief got elected the first time. Here's yet another dark strike against Chiraq. They call it Chiraq because of all of the killings (762 last year!!!). Chicago/Iraq, get it? A special needs white man, who non-politically correct patriots would describe as a retard, was dropped off by his parents, he's only 18, at a suburban McDonald's. He was there for a sleepover with what turned out to ultimately be one his four kidnappers. Authorities haven't released the names of any of them because they're all 18 years old. Not only did they torture and terrorize him HORRIBLY but they railed against Donald Trump and white people! These geniuses were stupid enough to actually post this on social media - while they were live torturing him!!! Maybe all four of them were retards. It sure sounds like it! So since we've got an instance of black on white crime I don't care how many more Trumpers commit hate crimes, I'll just throw this one incident in their faces and wag my finger at them like that African basketball player Dikembe Motombo used to do! I hope they throw the book at all of those young darkies! I know that one of them who wasn't in a position of authority objected and tried to get them to stop but she needs to go down too! After witnessing the subjugation of a white man, we can NEVER trust her to ever know her place!!! ~ GGA100.com 1/9/16 Repeal & Replace! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! Finally, insurance companies are going to start winning again! So much winning!!! The money that the last six years have cost insurance companies is a crying shame! Insurance companies, which were able to deny people for any kind of pre-existing condition, up to an including pregnancy, have been forced on the hook by our Darkie-in-Chief! I was a big fan of those cheap plans that the tyrannical overreaching government made insurance companies get rid of! It was just so great back in the pre-Obamacare era! People could get $50 a month health insurance plans! Now those same people have to pay $500, $600, and $700 a month!!! It's a total sham! The $50/mo plan may not have covered anything but people felt good that their premiums were so cheap! However, big government certainly doesn't want you happy! So big government, in typical big government fashion, made insurance companies get rid of those plans just because they didn't cover anything... I know - despicable!!! I should have the right to spend my money however I want to!!! Plus, the cold hearted government cared nothing about the poor and benevolent insurance companies! There were people on those $50/mo plans for decades! Since they remained healthy they never knew that the plans didn't cover anything. This was free money just pouring into insurance companies! The insurance companies NEVER had to spend even one penny of that money! It was ALL profit!!! Moreover, these people slept well at night because they believed that they were protected from a yet to be realized health catastrophe. For those who maybe got badly injured in an auto accident for example, they learned at that point that their policy wasn't worth the paper it was printed on. However, that's on them! They shouldn't have been so cheap! They got what they paid for! Furthermore, those people certainly got treated in the emergency room following the terrible accident! The great St. Ronnie saw to it that no one could be turned away by the hospital just because they had no insurance or inadequate insurance! Now once they leave the hospital $10,000, $25,000, $250,000 (or whatever) in debt to the hospital - that deadbeat needs to pay his bill!!! It was also up to that cheapskate to go out and find and pay for therapy and follow ups after being released from the hospital. The biggest takeaway from all of this is that you should either have kicked out $1,000 a month or so in order to have an insurance policy that covered catastrophes OR you certainly should have set your life up in such a fashion that you've got at minimum, $500,000 sitting in your bank(s)! Why should the government here by like Canada and all of those gay Western European countries? Why should we bother to cover the healthcare of people when we've got insurance companies that can make insane profits off of sickies??? Repeal Obamacare and worry about the replace part in another 100 years or so. The insurance industry needs you GOP! And to those traitorous whiny coal minors who voted for Trump that are suddenly worried about losing Obamacare - die - and die quickly!!! ~ GGA100.com 1/6/17 Cops Jailed Over Killing Darkie! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! When I heard the news I literally cried! In fact, I wailed just like our Lord and Savior! You'd have thought that I was in Gethsemane! Well, it finally happened against all odds... Two cops were convicted in the death of 24-year old Gregory Towns. Marcus Eberhart, the commanding officer was sentenced to life in prison with the possibility of parole after 30 years!!! The other officer charged, Howard Weems, was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter. Weems got five years but he only has to serve 18 months in prison. If Weems completes his sentence, which includes probation, his felony could be dropped under Georgia's first-offender status. The two cops are darkies, as was the victim. So let's examine the events that put these three darkies all in the same space. The two darkies were members of the East Point police department. East Point is a suburb of Atlanta. It's less than ten miles outside of the ATL. Back in April 2014, the young darkie got into a lover's spat with his girlfriend. She must've been really angry with him because she called 911. Now I know I've gone on and on about how when police kill darkies, that they are just doing their job! The slave patrols may be called police departments today but their function remains the same - bring darkies to heel! I'm sure that there aren't too many darkies, young adult male darkies in particular, who don't know that the slightest encounter with the slave patrols can result in your death! I'm certainly NOT excusing it but maybe that's why Towns took off running once he saw the cops. However, as a Blue Lives Matter advocate, I MUST find a way to blame the victim! So I will. If he had complied with police orders, he'd be alive today! Well, perhaps because they were all darkies, the darkie cops didn't shoot the young darkie. They ran him down and handcuffed him! A fat, slow, white cop clearly would've shot the young darkie in the back because he was, according to the tried and true script, "in fear for his life!" All of the fast white men are playing for the New England Patriots! So, it's the bullet not the battle! These athletic darkies, while not as fast as a Julian Edelman for example, were obviously fast enough! Well, once they had the young darkie handcuffed they ordered him to walk to the police car. However, the recalcitrant young darkie refused!!! Again, if he had just complied the way that EVERY white person does on the extremely rare occasions that these fine upstanding citizens are ever detained, Towns would still be alive today! Now, down in Georgia, the darkie cops weren't even allowed to arrest white people until the mid to late 70s. Sure, the laws permitted it in the late 60s, within the Atlanta city limits but even then the darkie cop was paired with a real cop who actually made the arrest of the white suspect. Since Towns was a darkie, the darkie cops knew they had the green light to do to Towns as they pleased! Well, they got a little carried away by tasing him over a dozen times - even after his body was non responsive! Darkie cops in Charlotte and Baltimore have walked away Scott-free after killing darkies. However, they did it with white cops! The East Point cops did NOT! Very well though because the next time some darkie complains that cops NEVER get convicted for unjustifiably killing darkies, I'll point to the East Point story! I will however, conveniently leave out the fact that the convicted cops were themselves darkies too! ~ GGA100.com 1/5/17 Not So Merry Christmas... ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! Why do white men insist on continuing to embarrass me??? Why??? I expend QUITE a bit of effort in painting darkies in the WORST possible light while simultaneously holding the white man up to near God-like status! Well, in the wee hours of the morning on Christmas Eve, 1:30 am, so technically Christmas, six white men escaped from the Cocke County Jail Annex. The jail is located in the middle of nowhere Tennessee, about an hour east of Knoxville - which is in the middle of nowhere too! Had the story not been so crazy maybe I could have just ignored it. But with the mainstream media incessantly making Jerry Springer style jokes about it, well, the story's out there... Well, the Tennessee jail has been literally falling apart at the seams forever! It was falling apart when it was a hospital over 20 years ago, when some genius decided to convert it into, of all things, a jail... This decrepit monstrosity has been sitting there just rotting away! In a state like Tennessee, which ranks in the bottom 10 states in the category of poverty, there's simply no money to fix anything anywhere, least of all a jail! So the plumbing, among other things was in horrible disrepair! Here's part of the problem with having no money. You're nearly 100% dependent upon grossly unskilled prison labor. They've got no incentive to actually fix anything because there may be some hidden advantage to its disrepair. Well, one of those combo stainless steel toilet/sinks had been a problem for years. Between holes made for repair, water damage, and rusted out bolts, all that the prisoners had to do was just move the toilet and climb through the hole. The cell housed 23 inmates but only six of them chose to escape. After kicking through a flimsy tin door and climbing a fence, it was off to the races! All but two of the fugitives were captured immediately! One turned himself in after only less than ten hours of freedom. John Shehee's father convinced him to give himself up, which he did. All but one of the remaining fugitives were captured the old fashioned way - by being stupid! One was, of course, captured in a nearby trailer park... Another escapee, who was being harbored by a friend, saw himself and his fugitive friend in cuffs because this genius had outstanding warrants himself... Three more people who were free are now in jail as a result of their assistance of the six white fugitives. The only one who managed to enjoy more than just a handful of hours of freedom was the most dangerous one of the bunch. The others didn't even last on the streets for 24-hours! So now less than 24-hours of "freedom" will cost these Darwinian award winners YEARS of added prison time! They were just in jail, NOT prison! People get raped in prison!!! Not smart... 54-year old David Frazier was up on charges of robbery and being a felon in possession of a weapon. Frazier REALLY should've kept his nose clean! He's lucky that he wasn't already in prison! The poor misguided white citizen, who at 54-years old can't actually be all that bad, managed to escape nearly five hours away. He was captured by US Marshals in Forsyth, GA on the 28th. He's being held there awaiting extradition back to Tennessee. Why did these white men have to be so stupid in such an attention grabbing fashion??? ~ GGA100.com 1/4/17 Is Trump Already Going Soft??? ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! He's not even sworn in yet and Trump has finally stuck his nose in where it didn't belong! The new Congress, the 115th Congress, was all set to gut the independent ethics panel! On Monday (2nd), the first day of session, House Republicans voted 119-74 to actually oversee the independent ethics watchdog that was supposed to oversee them - brilliant!!! This vote was scheduled for the very next day, which was yesterday (3rd). Despite the usual sturm und drang from libtards, Republican lawmakers were poised to just blow right through that nonsense and go with Virginia Representative Bob Goodlatte's outstanding proposal! Then something very unforeseen took place! President-elect Trump took to Twitter... Well, the tweeting part wasn't unforeseen but what he tweeted was! On Monday (2nd) night, just hours before the planned vote, Trump slammed the Republican members of Congress for having a back door meeting! What??? What part of REPUBLICAN members of congress did the president-elect miss??? Moreover, you don't publicly air OUR dirty laundry!!! And while on one hand Trump stated that the ethics watchdog was unfair, he still slammed congress for making its destruction its first act! What better time to get rid of this meddlesome nuisance than right off the bat??? This agency was created by Dubbya back in '08, because people thought that Republicans, who at the time controlled all three houses, like now, were soft on corruption. This was there to give the appearance that we Republicans stand against corruption, even if it's us who are corrupt! Well, it's been there for eight years! We've made our point! Now's the time to get that thing out of here so that both our Republican politicians and our big money donors can start stacking some real paper - unencumbered, i.e., unregulated!!! Trump's devotion to cutting taxes and deregulating EVERYTHING so that we could make insane amounts of money are precisely why we backed him!!! Now, here we have a chance to deregulate, in a sense, a meddling ethics watchdog and Trump turns on us!!! I hate to say it but this is the danger of a megalomaniac! He's so puffed up on himself that he starts to believe all of the garbage that we say to him in order to endear ourselves to him! That "drain the swamp" slogan was just that - a slogan - nothing more!!! I should've known something was awry! On December 16th, Newt Gingrich appeared on NPR's Morning Edition. During that appearance the former Speaker said that Trump thought that the swamp thing was cute but he was no longer going with it. However, on December 22nd, Gingrich tweeted out a video that appeared to have been either recorded by Trump himself or at the very minimum, recorded under his direct orders. During that tweeted video, Gingrich admitted to making a "big boo boo", because Trump had insisted to him that he was indeed serious about "draining the swamp..." I held my breath when I initially supported Trump. I knew that he was formerly not only a Democrat, but quite friendly with the Clintons! Part of my brain said that this was a back room deal between Trump and the Clintons to get Hilary into the White House. However, when Trump began coming on so strong is his harsh rebukes against mud people of terrorist descent and illegals, I said, well maybe he's really a Republican. When Trump ignored all of the overwhelming evidence that the Central Park 5 was actually innocent, which is why they were released from prison, I said, maybe he really does hate darkies - be they guilty or innocent! When the president-elect created an entire new cabinet position at the top of his cabinet in order to put a new neo-Nazi (alt-right), Steve Bannon, into that top role, I was hopeful! When he put a klansman, Jeff Sessions , up as attorney general, I was even more hopeful! Despite his paying lip service to taking the draining the swamp thing seriously, he continued actually filling the swamp with more and more billionaire alligators who are antithetical to government! It was at that point that I had completely stopped worrying! But when Trump is the one who derails our Republican congressional war on the independent ethics watchdog, as the Republicans in congress decided NOT to vote to completely neuter the ethics watchdog, now my suspicions are starting to destructively flood through like a coastal Carolina flood plain!!! ~ GGA100.com 1/3/16 Netanyahu On The Hot Seat! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! Now look, I'm never one to shy away from political correctness. It's not because I'm an insensitive jerk either. I mean after all, only a devil would say something like that about the Savedest man in the history of the Republican Party! I'm quite sensitive but only to my white male sense of sensibilities! As such, I never hesitate to call a spade a spade! Jews are by nature greedy! So when I hear that a Jew has been accused of corruption, I'm pretty much judge, jury, and executioner! The verdict of course is GUILTY!!! Now should I give BB Netanyahu the benefit of the doubt because he's a fellow conservative? Well, under normal circumstances, of course! If the Euro Jews had remained in Germany and NOT latched onto the Christ killing religion of Jesus of Nazareth, I'd have reflexively jumped to the conservative white man's defense! That not being the case, BB is guilty! But it's much bigger than this latest BB corruption scandal. Back during his very first term (in the 90s), he's on his fourth term now, he was involved in yet another corruption scandal. So being interrogated by the police yesterday (2nd), is nothing new to this Jew. Of course the sneaky Jew with his sneaky Jew lawyers weaseled out of it back in the 90s. Hey, that's what they do! Using the preferred conservative tools, fear and hatred, BB was able to get past his little scandal! To show his Jews that he meant business, he continuously reigned hell down upon the Palestinians! You want to throw rocks at my police, do you? Well, I'll level your house and EVERY house in your neighborhood!!! It's that hard line that has kept us supporting BB! He'll create a new reason to attack the dirty mud people and all will be forgiven again! However, I'm not sure if Netanyahu has not actually gotten way above himself! He apparently mistakes America's hatred of Muslims and dependence on fossil fuels as love for greedy Jews! Au contraire mon frere! We give you people over $3 billion a year! To put this into perspective, in 2015, Israel had a $4 billion budget deficit! Without us their budget's really in the crapper! They had to come crawling to us with their Jew hats in hand back in 1948, just seconds after we gave those greedy Euro Jews a country - on our dime!!! One may say, OK, they're just getting on their feet. Soon they'll be able to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. Well, it's been 68 years and counting and the amount of free cash that we give to these money grubbing Jews just keeps going up and up and up! Even worse, as recently as 2015, Biden and Obama gave Jews reparations for the Holocaust. It was Germany that committed those atrocities, NOT America! America was not only at war with Germany, they aided with the slaughter of scores of Palestinians so that no more European Jews would have to die in those ovens! So why is America paying for their enemy's sins??? Moreover, all you're doing is building a case for darkies to get reparations!!! How is America going to justify shunning darkies for something that was done in America, by America to a people??? Do I advocate for darkies getting back pay for ancestral unpaid labor, Jim Crow, and overall systemic exclusion? Why, of course not! I LOVE my white privilege and wouldn't relinquish it for ANYTHING!!! Sure, I understand that the 1% really have the fullest of advantages while Joe Average white man is just 1/4 paycheck away from living worse than some darkies. However, the fact that the 1% are 99% white, like me, makes me feel good! Moreover, if it comes down to a choice between me and the BEST darkie, 99/100 times, I win that battle!!! ~ GGA100.com 1/2/17 2016 ~ GGA100.com 2016 is over and it was a year full of death! There was David Bowie, George Michael, Prince, Princess Lea, Queen Lea (the mother of Princess Lea) the very next day, and many, many more! Even Gillian died Friday (30th)! 2016 even killed MMA fighter, Rhonda Rousy's career as she was absolutely destroyed by that Brazilian dike in under one minute of the first round on the 30th! It's just as well. Pretty white women shouldn't be fighting anyway, poor white trash or not! There was terrorism the world over! There was even a terror attack in increasingly unstable Turkey! It's about time that they start to pay for changing Constantinople to Istanbul back in 1453! When mud people reject proper European supremacy, it's usually much swifter retribution than over 500 years! Well, better late than never I guess... But the level of instability there is really becoming concerning! There was all kinds of terrorism going on in France and Germany last year! Why? No strong white male leadership, that's why! French men are by and large gay, and gay light. Angela Merkel, the "leader" of Germany is a chick! That's far worse than gay and gay light! England, historically the gayest country in human history, well, maybe the second gayest country after Greece, has had zero terror attacks this year. How could that be??? However that could be, it happened or should I say didn't happen. With all of that terrorism going on the world over, especially in Africa, we won't have that issue here in about three weeks! Speaking of Africa, nowhere else did more terror occur! Not even in Syria had so much terror happened! However, being that it was Africa, of course nobody cared! It was just a bunch of useless darkies! But 2016 wasn't all bad though! Against all odds, Donald J. Trump won the presidential election! It's taken 50+ years but FINALLY bigotry is normal again! White supremacy is back!!! After eight years of darkie rule, white people are FINALLY getting it! Well, they're at least getting the message we want them to get! Amazingly, middle America is dumb enough to simply focus on the problem with not even the slightest analysis as to the why the problem exists! Jobs are leaving the country, and as such, the uneducated/unskilled white man at an alarming rate! Middle America is not blaming the rich white men who are sending those jobs to slave wage countries! Instead, middle America has directed that rage toward 3rd World peasants - NOT the white men who gave those jobs to the slave wage 3rd World peasants to begin with! As such, they voted for one of the very white men who was exporting their jobs to LOW wage countries just because he spoke up loudly and aggressively about outsourcing! That's like me robbing your house with you tied tightly to a chair. But since I loudly rail against robbers while I'm actually robbing your house, you invite me over to your next barbecue! Poor white people are so easy/stupid!!! Thank God for that!!! ~ GGA100.com 12/30/16 Happy New Year America & The First World!!! Hola flocksters! Now normally I don't get that excited about the new year coming in. The Lord above has blessed me with the gift of discernment! As such, I clearly understand that the calendar resetting to a new year is NOT a reset button for our lives! If you want to reset your life you don't wait until the calendar shows you a new year! You make the change/reset when you choose to do so! I tell you, it's so upsetting when you go to the gym on January 2nd and it's full of these New Year's resolutionists (new word!) taking up all of the close parking spaces! If I've got to walk two miles to even get into the gym I may as well turn around and go right back to my car! Come mid-February, at the extreme, these losers are all out of New Year's adrenaline, and they'll immediately start making excuses for why they have to wait until next year to get fit! But this year is truly different because this reset doesn't hit until the 20th. That's the day that a white man returns to his rightful God given place - the White House! Why do you Constitution hating communists think that our founding fathers named it the White House??? Because it's meant for ONLY white men to preside over! I bet our slave holding founding fathers were all rolling over in their graves - rotisserie style for the last eight years! And it started up again when it looked like a broad would get in there - not as the First Lady but as the president! There's another gem laid forth by the founding fathers! The chick is ONLY supposed to be in the White House because she's the wife of the white man who is the president! Pay attention you communists! Well, praise The Lord - order is restored!!! And that's beautiful, not just because it rhymes but because Donald Trump has already fulfilled his promise! Trump promised to Make America Great Again! By virtue of winning the election on November 8th, he did just that! Just consider the horror that would have befallen America had Hilary won! Presidents have been winning reelection since '96! That's 20 years! Even prior to that, for the most part, the president wins reelection. We were on the verge of going 16 years without a white man in the White House! Well, Bill Clinton would've been in there but as the First Lady! What kind of a message would this send to our white boys??? It's bad enough that many of them have yet to have seen a white man as president!!! We've already got a generation who's formative years have taught them on a subliminal level that a darkie, not you, can be the president of the United States of America! With that level of symbolism, people have already started thinking that it's OK for a darkie to be superior to you!!! Do you know how damaging that is??? Thank you Donald J. Trump for Making America Great Again!!! ~ GGA100.com 12/29/16 The Popular Vote Is Meaningless!!! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! Ever since November 10th, I've had to hear this! Hilary's got a million more votes than Trump! Hilary's got 2.8 million more votes than Trump! Yeah, yeah, yeah and blah, blah, blah! So what! Donald J. Trump will be the president! And I see what's going on here! Trump's opponents are just seeking to delegitimize President-elect Trump because they're jealous! Yeah, I said it - they're jealous! They know that come January 20th, there's going to be so much winning that we're going to beg, "Please President Trump, no more winning!" Then what will the Hilbots say??? You just wait and see! The whole world will once again look to America as that shining beacon on the hill! Terror attacks like the one that just happened in Germany will be a thing of the past! Why, because terrorists are terrified of the kind of strength that one President Donald J. Trump will reign down upon them! Don't forget that Trump pledged to stop terrorism EVERYWHERE because ONLY he can do it! Just think about it. Angela Merkel is a chick who looks a lot like Hilary Clinton! Terrorists know that they don't have anything to fear when it comes to a broad! So if Hilary had won, that terror attack in dame run Germany would be headed here next month too! But no need to fear because a strong and tough talking white man will be back in the White House next month! Do you know how many likes and retweets President Trump will get after blasting these terrorists on Twitter? This is how The Donald got that 13-year old to drop that rape case against him! Do you know how terrifying it is to have people filling up your timeline with angry and hateful, not to mention threatening Tweets? Of course not! No one wants to even think about that deadly fate!!! Moreover, the terrorists absolutely fear tough talking white men! The last thing that these mud people want to do is to anger the tough talking white man! Why do you think that they never struck in America again after 911? And to be honest they wouldn't have even struck then had then President Bush taken the Presidential Daily Briefings seriously! Dubbya may not have been the sharpest knife in the drawer but he clearly understood the power of the tough talking white man! Sure, I know that Francois Hollande was president last year ('15) when the coordinated terror attacks were launched over there in France. But a Frenchman with a name like Francois, they didn't take him seriously because they probably thought that he was gay! You know how rampant that stuff is over there in Europe! It's kind of new here in America but there were prominent fags in Europe dating back Ancient Greece!!! But a tough Tweeting American with a strong name like Donald leaves no room for speculation! Tweet on President Trump! It's one of your greatest weapons!!! ~ GGA100.com 12/28/16 The War On Christmas!!! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! See, this is what me and other conservatives are talking about! In libtard New York City, blue lives obviously don't matter! An upstanding member of the famed NYPD's 73rd precinct was part of a raid on a family of illegal descent, the Santiagos! I can tell just by the name alone that they were obviously guilty! Why else would a judge have issued a search warrant??? Well, that yet to be identified police officer posted pics of the handcuffed Santiago clan on his Snapchat account. The family was reportedly handcuffed for an incredible three hours!!! The yet to be identified officer included the captions, "Merry Christmas NYPD" and "Warrant Sweeps it's still a party smh.", on separate posts. Now granted, his grammar isn't the best but so what! He's not writing for the New York Post! The real problem came in him writing Merry Christmas, as opposed to some multi-cultural garbage like 'Happy Holidays.' Arghh!!! I feel like I'm going to be sick! The pics showed all seven of the Santiago clan handcuffed. Some meddling friend screenshot the images and sent them to Kimberly Santiago. As you may or may not know, Snapchat images delete themselves. If not for her friend's blatant obstruction of justice the officer would've gotten away Scott free! All that notwithstanding, it's vitally important for the peace of mind of white people to know that the man has his foot on the neck of dirty others! So it was well worth the risk! The only problem I have with it is that the officer was suspended for 30 days WITHOUT pay - right before Christmas!!! Police do this kind of thing to dirty others because if they do get caught they get suspended WITH pay, i.e., paid vacation! The officer should've chosen a darkie family to do this to! Even in libtard New York City, that gets you a paid vacation! Here is how it all went down. At approximately 6:30 am, on the 22nd, Kimberly Santiago awoke to a gun in her face! The police were there serving a warrant on an illegal called JD Blue. The warrant described him as having tattoos on both arms and a mole on his face! Tattooed arms AND Hispanic - slam dunk - GUILTY!!! Of course when dealing with a criminal this dangerous no precaution is too much! Of course, the illegals denied knowing JD Blue! Come on now... In Brownsville (Brooklyn, NY), all illegals know one another! And you mean to tell me that EVERYONE in that neighborhood doesn't know someone who goes by the name of JD Blue... Come on señorita! So right away the Santiagos' credibility is shot - just like they almost were! Now granted, JD Blue was not there. Given that criminals don't work, it's very unlikely that someone like that would be up and out of the house by 6:30 am on a Thursday. So, he apparently he did not actually live there. The police completely ransacked the place too! In the end all that happened was that they wrote a ticket for simple marijuana possession. All of those resources expended for a $100 fine... To add insult to injury, marijuana possession (of less than 25 grams) isn't even a crime in New York! It's not even as bad as getting a speeding ticket! At least your insurance rates increasing is a more long-term punishment than a one-off measly $100 fine! That being said, no cost is too great for a city's taxpayers when dirty others are brought to heel! ~ GGA100.com 12/27/16 I'm Pulling For You Governor Snyder! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! I tell you, it's getting a bit dicey here! Four more indictments were just handed down within the last two weeks surrounding the Flint water crisis. That brings the total to 13! I sure hope Governor Snyder doesn't get one for taking Flint off of that clean Lake Huron water in favor of that much cheaper but poisonous Flint River water! Look, Governor Snyder's heart was clearly in the right place! When you're faced with the choice of money vs. people, you'd be an absolute traitor to the Republican Party if you didn't choose money over people! It's a slam dunk! Why can't people just leave well enough alone! It's been almost two years already! They should have adjusted to the poisonous water by now! The governor's administration has provided home water filtration systems to the affluent neighborhoods in Flint! As far as I'm concerned, problem solved! As is always the case, tax money, when used to benefit the wealthy - no problem! However, this used up ALL of the money that was available, which is also ALWAYS the case! Nevertheless, a few poor people still managed to weasel their way into getting some free or drastically reduced water filtration systems too! As for the rest of those lazy bums, they need to stop looking for handouts for a change! Governor Snyder had to change the Flint water supply to the Flint River because it was too expensive to pipe that water ALL THE WAY from the Lake Huron! Furthermore, they had to pay Detroit for that water too! Although there are still auto plants there and some are even expanding, we've been able to convince the white man that the Flint economy is in the tank! Therefore, these people can't realistically expect the federal taxpayers or the other Michigan taxpayers to pick up the tab for their water! Flint's the city with the problem! I wouldn't be being a stand up Republican if I didn't turn my back on those who are less fortune! Since Flint has yet to come up with a plan that can make someone richer by fixing said problem, it doesn't deserve repairing! The free market is the ONLY way to go! Those days of socialist solutions went out with the 1970 World Series! Does this put the citizens of Flint in a bad position? Of course it does! That again isn't our problem! Hey, I get it. If you live in Flint your house holds about as much value as an expired carton of milk that's been left out overnight in the summer heat. That being said, it's entirely your fault that you haven't set your life up in such a way that you can afford to eat that loss and move somewhere else! That's not like this was your only option though! If you haven't set yourself up well enough to live in one of those affluent neighborhoods where they were given a water filtration system, you certainly should've been able to set aside the thousands of dollars needed to purchase your own water filtration system for your home! I mean come on, this is a great opportunity for you to do something for a change! You're faced with a challenge! Jump up and meet it head on! Here's your chance to do something right for a change! Just do it, and leave the rest of us alone! Constantly throwing your situation up in our faces makes us very uncomfortable! Our comfort is MUCH more important than your pesky peril! ~ GGA100.com 12/23/16 Must See TV! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! The KKK is being normalized by the mainstream media! Next month the A&E network is launching a show about the KKK! Even the wording of the show's description reveals that by the time that Trump runs for reelection, the KKK will be seen as heroically as they were in D.W. Griffith's The Birth of a Nation, which was released 101 years ago! For those of you who haven't seen this cinematic masterpiece, which I'm guessing would be the overwhelming majority of you, it's about a wild darkie who raped a white woman!!! I know - beyond completely HORRIFYING!!! But not to fear, the KKK rides in on their white sheeted horses and saves the day! KKK membership exploded as a result of this, as it turns out, recruitment film! Look for this reality show to lead to yet another resurgence of the Klan! Many of you may not know that the KKK heavily canvassed for Donald J. Trump! With the rolls of the KKK again exploding, look for more klansmen and klanswomen to volunteer to get Trump-like candidates elected EVERYWHERE!!! It was wrongly believed that you couldn't win the White House by only focusing on white men. Well, the experts were, as President-elect Trump can say, "WRONG!" With the KKK normalized, who knows, we may be able to once again fire up those human ovens! Now understand that I, as the Savedest man in the history of the Republican Party, would never advocate for this! Let me be perfectly clear! However, I can very well see that as being the will of the majority of our soon to be great again white people! Just like in Germany, they'll pick each group off one at a time! Of course cowards in the targeted groups will rationalize that if we're just more "white" in our approach to life, we will be spared. WRONG! This is yet another reason that I personally voted for one Donald J. Trump! It wasn't enough to have a white man in office, no! It was a matter of having the right white man in office! When President-elect Trump created a position to put white separatist Steve Bannon at the top of his cabinet, I said yes! When President-elect Trump nominated noted racist Jeff Sessions, for Attorney General, I say yes! One of those other 16 RINOs who ran against Trump wouldn't have had the testicular fortitude to appoint or nominate one of them - let alone BOTH! Did Trump even bat an eye when libtards complained about these picks - absolutely NOT!!! It's this kind of white supremacy that we need right now! We whites are seeing our nation becoming increasingly less and less white and we're TERRIFIED!!! We've got to get more and more aggressive if we hope to maintain our white majority here in our homeland! If we had intended for America to be anything other than white we'd have never instituted darkie only slavery! From the second that slavery ended we've been using other means to keep darkies oppressed! Having a government of Trump like elected officials will continue this national goal! ~ GGA100.com 12/22/16 Is It January 20th Yet??? ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! This is outrageous!!! I'm telling you I'll be so glad when that darkie is OUT of the White House!!! So based of the useless word of the CIA, in conjunction with other US intelligence agencies, Obama's vowing revenge against Russia for hacking into Democrat Party E-mails! LastThursday (15th), Obama told egghead network, National Public Radio, that he would retaliate against Russia, and of course Putin, for Russia's hacking of America. Obama said the attack would occur at a time of America's choosing and could be publicized or secret. With such a cryptic threat who can say whether the attack ever took place? That's so unfair to Putin! Now the poor man's going to have to remain overly diligent - shameful, just shameful!!! Furthermore, is a hyper-partisan attack because Republican Party E-mails were hacked too! Why isn't the Darkie-in-Chief upset about that??? Is the Republican Party no longer an American political party??? Obama's just mad that Trump beat Hilary! If Hilary had won Obama would be saying nothing! Now I see why President-elect Trump just ignores the Presidential Daily Briefings - because they produce horrible intel! Moreover, if I were to give the Democrat Party the benefit of the doubt, of which is quite considerable, I don't care how Trump won, just so long as he won! We won and the Democrats lost! Let's focus on what's important here! Besides, as a Republican if the facts are not to our liking and you can't OVERWHELMINGLY PROVE them, we reserve the right to just ignore them. We're exercising our rights like good Americans! Moreover, Trump and Putin love each other! In the wake of the election, Putin has a 56% approval rating among us Republicans because we value strength! Back in 2014, Putin's favorable rating among us Republicans was only 10%! As of September, Obama's was only 32% with us Republicans (Pugh Research poll)! The lying CIA has just a 28% approval rating with Republicans! Just when President-elect Trump is mending fences with Russia and Vladimir Putin here we go with this! Putin said that they didn't hack the Democrat Party! Why isn't that good enough for these libtards! That's because they're jealous that Putin's a real leader - unlike our Darkie-in-Chief! Like I said, the Republican Party was hacked too! But because Putin loves President-elect Trump so much he'd NEVER leak any dirt on the Republican Party! Moreover, we're the Christian party anyway so there wouldn't be any dirt to leak! We're squeaky clean!!! The gall of that darkie to declare cyber war on a white man of Caucasus Mountain descent!!! January 20th can't get here soon enough! Now the Darkie-in-Chief has put the new president in a very awkward position. However, with a white man back at the helm in America, it'll all get worked out - not to worry. ~ GGA100.com 12/21/16 Shut Up Darkie! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! I can't believe the arrogance of yet another uppity darkie! This time it's Whoopi Goldberg! She had the downright temerity to declare on national television (Monday's (19th) episode of The View) that she is more aware than our great president-elect! She went on to say that, "Here's the difference, when I speak, at least you know that I've actually looked stuff up, so people think I might be more aware." I know, beyond shameful!!! First of all, what the she darkie said was absolutely impossible! No way can a darkie be smarter than a white man. Well, if the white man is of the poor white/trailer trash variety, maybe. However, Trump is a rich white man! So that's out as a possibility! Many people have mistakenly tried to associate the great man with poor white trash just because he appeals to poor white trash. It's not at all the same! The president-elect knows what appeals to poor white trash which is why he's president-elect now! Then you've got the other impossibility. There's no way that a woman, darkie, or otherwise could ever be smarter than a non-white trash white man! Let me explain something to you. Far more often than not, the poor white trash white man is only intellectually limited because of inbreeding! As much as it pains me to let the world in on our dirt, as the Savedest man in the history of the Republican Party, I'm obligated by our God above to be truthful! For some odd reason, white people have some degree of difficulty resisting the beauty right around us. It's our cross to bear as white people for reasons that God has not yet even revealed unto me as of yet! As such, you know it's a precious and guarded secret because God tells me EVERYTHING!!! Whoopi Goldberg needs to get on the TV and beg the president-elect for his forgiveness! President-elect Trump doesn't take too kindly to anyone, darkie chicks especially, taking shots at him! Did this darkie not hear how President-elect Trump has gone after Saturday Night Live and Alec Baldwin - and Baldwin's a rich white man! Did she miss President-elect Trump's scathing rebuke of the stage play Hamilton, and he wasn't even there at the play! Now what the she darkie's referring to is President-elect Trump's claim that the only reason he didn't win the popular vote is because three million illegals voted for Hilary. Well, she's only up 2.8 million in the popular vote total, so mathematically this would mean that 200,000 illegals voted for Trump. Now granted, 3,000,000 illegals voting has yet to have been proven. However, just like everything else President-elect Trump has ever said, I believe it! Nuff said! ~ GGA100.com 12/20/16 Darkies Have No Rights White Men Have To Respect!!! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! Yes! 79-year old John Franklin McGraw came to fame for sucker punching a young darkie, 26-year old Rakeem Jones, at a Fayetteville, NC Trump rally. And truthfully, had the incident not been recorded by some nosy attendee's cell phone and released online, McGraw would've gotten away even more Scott free than he ultimately wound up with. Judge Tal Baggett accepted McGraw's guilty plea on Wednesday (14th). The penalty for the guilty white man: $180 in court costs, a $250 fine, a 30-day suspended sentence, and 12-months UNSUPERVISED probation! In other words, not even as much as a slap on the wrist! Even better, McGraw leveraged his half hearted apology by saying that BOTH of them were just caught up in a political mess. Way to blame the victim too - brilliant!!! The incident occurred back in March. The young darkie was being thrown out of the venue for being in opposition to the great man, one Donald J. Trump! Trump really caught on with us whites for urging us to commit violence against his protestors! As the young darkie was being perp walked up the aisle the spry old redneck delivered a sucker punch to the face! McGraw did this right in front of the police that were taking the young darkie out of the building! You could see him protesting to the police about being assaulted but those cries fell on deaf ears! Instead of turning around and snatching up the white man for battery the police just pretended not to see it! That's why I love Dixie so much! They know how to put darkies in their place! I can guarantee you that if the young darkie had broken free and had gone after the old redneck, he'd have been shot dead - on sight! It's completely fine for a white man to assault a darkie but had that situation been reversed - on the spot death sentence! And as always, the police would've just walked away Scott free! I know that the darkie didn't start it but when he goes to retaliate against a white man, poor redneck or not, right in front of the police - he's got to die! In a very unusual move, Judge Baggett told the old redneck to talk to the young darkie. The young darkie was so forgiving that he shook McGraw's hand AND initiated a hug!!! This for the man who back in March said that they might have to kill the young darkie if they saw him again! McGraw very boastfully told this to Inside Edition! He also expressed quite a bit of satisfaction at sucker punching the restrained by the police darkie! Just think about what McGraw said! The young darkie wouldn't have even had to do anything - just be seen again and just for that he'd have been killed! And the darkie full on forgave the old redneck! We've sure trained our darkies EXTREMELY well!!! ~ GGA100.com 12/19/16 Darkies With Guns!!! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! The mainstream media tried to bury this story from last month but because I've been blessed with an extra special personal relationship with Jesus it was revealed unto me! In Ft. Worth, TX there is a militant darkie cop!!! Despite the fact that he's a cop he's openly supportive of the Black Lives Matter movement!!! I know – shameful!!! Positions of public trust like that of law enforcement are ONLY to be occupied by good negroes, like Sheriff David Clarke out of Milwaukee, for example!!! Shortly after the election this darkie, Officer Negus Ankhmaster Morris had the downright temerity to post on Facebook that darkies need to arm themselves and prepare for revolution!!! He then threw some of his very own fellow officers under the bus! He intimated in his post that several of his fellow officers were in essence going to start going darkie hunting! Now see, this should've gotten that darkie "cop" fired on the spot!!! Police were the first to initiate the no snitching policy! Shut your pie hole you snitch!!! Well, at least the police union isn't representing that darkie on this grievance! That level of union protection is the exclusive purview of darkie killing cops! Now given that it's 2016, even in Dixie police departments do have to allow darkies in. I know, I know but blame this on the weak kneed Dixiecrats of yesteryear! Before they all wised up and became Republicans there was a lot of capitulation toward the darkies back in the 60s. Now to their credit, the now Republican Dixiecrats have been chipping away at darkie rights ever since Nixon's Southern Strategy was fully implemented back in the 60s! That notwithstanding, it doesn't extend as far as keeping darkies off of our police forces. Now given that Ft. Worth is in Dixie, the police department immediately restricted the duties of that darkie and made him take that rabble rousing post down after immediately taking his gun away from him! Great work!!! Praise The Lord that Fort Worth's finest fully recognizes the fact that the Second Amendment is NOT for darkies!!! Now of course some egg head ambulance chasing slick and sleazy lawyer, Terry Daffron, Esq. is representing the restricted duty darkie cop. Be prepared for the lawsuit because it's coming! Daffron's already saying that no official personnel complaint has been issued to inform officer darkie of what department policy(s) he's violated. This doesn't bode well for the taxpayers who will ultimately have to foot the bill for the very likely lawsuit loss that's en route. That being said, taxpayers all across the country are quite accustomed to having to pay off lawsuits of darkies who were deemed either wrongfully brutalized or wrongfully killed by the police. Therefore, citizens are more than willing to pay increased taxes for the purposes of putting darkies in their place! Although this particular darkie is a cop it's still yet another darkie being put in his place! ~ GGA100.com 12/17/16 Not Again... ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! This is starting to become a bit embarrassing now! Again, I was all poised and ready to point the finger at Black Lives Matter (BLM)! Even when I heard that two police officers were shot in Crawford County, GA, about 90 miles south of Atlanta, I still held out hope! I said, I know my odds are diminishing but maybe just maybe it was a darkie(s) who did the shooting! But my hopes were again dashed... I tell you ever since we've instructed our corporate media to label BLM as an anti-police domestic terrorist group far more white men, as it's turning out, are actually gunning down the police! Let's look at how the whole thing unfolded in the wee hours (around 2 am) of the morning on Monday (12th). The Byron (GA) police were executing a search warrant, better known as a raid, on a suspected drug dealer at his home. Apparently he was dealing drugs right out of his home! The police did reveal that the white man had quite a lengthy criminal history. Sigh… I'm sure that police somewhere must do drug raids in the middle of the day. However, maybe because of TV and the movies we always think of them happening at insane hours of the night! If you're dealing with dangerous criminals like drug dealers with lengthy criminal histories, you probably do want to catch them while they're sleeping. Well despite those precautions the suspect, later identified *simply as a 35-year old white man, shot two of the officers. Officers on the scene were really shaken up because just last month in very nearby Peach County (about five miles away) a policeman's (from a jurisdiction about 25 miles away) father shot and killed two Peach County policemen! I'd love to have been able to have blamed that on BLM but again I couldn't... That's why I just tried to ignore the story. Even worse, the killer, 57-year old business owner Ralph Stanley Elrod, Jr., was a Blue Lives Matter supporter! On a side note, after the age of 30 shouldn't you just drop the junior from your name??? Keeping the junior at the end of your name does NOT mean that you're not old! "Junior" had the thin blue line on his mailbox outside of his home which is a symbol Blue Lives Matter supporters use to identify their political leanings. Now here we are barely a month later and yet another white man's shooting policemen! I'd love to be able to say that with Georgia, being a "Castle Doctrine" state, the white man was startled in the middle of the night and thought that he was the victim of a home invasion – likely by some wandering darkies! However, the police knocked and identified themselves multiple times! After forcibly entering the home, despite knowing that they were the police the white man shot them anyway! They returned fire, killing the suspect. However, his girlfriend and their one-month old out of wedlock baby were not harmed. ~ GGA100.com 12/16/16 Darkie Day At Trump Tower ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! The Donald has done it again! Noted trouble maker Jesse Jackson wrote President-elect Trump last week hoping to secure a meeting with him to no doubt, bring up a bunch of darkie issues - DENIED!!! Instead, President-elect Trump had four meaningless has-beens and one crazy foul mouthed rapper meet with him - and people doubt President-elect Trump when he says he's too smart to read over some boring and repetitive Presidential Daily Briefings! Noted good negro, Pastor Darrell Scott set the whole thing up! This is the same good negro who set up that meeting with 100 black pastors back in December of last year. And yes, I know that there were only about 35 that showed up. And yes, I know that they had only come to meet with Trump, not to endorse him. But as usual, libtards remain stuck in the past... Scott relates a 2010 exchange with Trump where Trump told Scott that he was the least racist person that Scott knows. Praise God that pastor good negro wasn't smart enough to realize that Trump had just admitted to him that he was racist! Whew!!! Least racist is not the same as saying that you're not racist. However, as a white man, Trump being a racist is precisely WHY I voted for him and trust me - I am NOT alone in that!!! I hope that the next time that President-elect Trump sees Scott he gives that good negro a nice congratulatory pat on the top of his nappy head! Scott's TRULY earned it! So the next time someone dares to call President-elect Trump a racist he can point them back to the day when he let all of those meaningless darkies into Trump Tower!!! On Tuesday (13th) Trump had noted good negress Omarosa there as well as the aforementioned pastor good negro. Rapper Kanye West, who was just released from a mental ward was there along with NFL greats Ray Lewis and Jim Brown. It was already well know that Ray Lewis was a buck dancing good negro so no problem at all there! Given that this darkie Jim Brown has historically been a trouble making activist, Trump was kind of rolling the dice on that invite! However, at 80-years old, Brown's getting soft in his old age. Back in August, in Time magazine, Brown shockingly objected to half darkie quarterback Colin Kaepernick's taking a knee protest of the sacred and holy national anthem! Even five years ago Brown would've touted any and everything that was in opposition to the police carrying out their sworn duty to kill darkies! Brown told CNN's Brooke Baldwin that while he couldn't speak for Pastor Scott, he fell in love with Trump after meeting him. Although Brown later that day, on CNN's News Day, tried to walk that back by saying that he was referring to pastor good negro, that's NOT AT ALL what he told Baldwin! Brown really is slipping! I could never imagine him expressing any sort of accolade AT ALL of a good negro! Good job President-elect Trump!!! ~ GGA100.com 12/15/16 Trump Cabinet Picks ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! We Republicans are well known for preaching that government doesn't work. We really kicked it into high gear in the 80s under the great St. Ronaldus Maximus! Who can forget his classic 1986 quote! The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, "I'm from the government and I'm here to help." In order to make that a reality the greatest president in the history of all republics set forth to ensure that end! As the president you get to make up your cabinet. What better way to ensure government failure than by putting people at the head of agencies that have philosophies which are antithetical to that agency! First of all, almost all of Reagan's top cabinet picks were white men! Who can’t get behind that!? Well, there was the one darkie, Samuel R. Pierce, who Reagan put at the head of Housing & Urban Development (HUD). Pierce was of course, a good negro! St. Ronnie knew what he was doing! This good negro cut HUD appropriations for low-income housing by nearly half! He also all but ended funding for new low-income housing construction! While it is true that Reagan did appoint a few chicks to cabinet positions it was only after the men who previously held those positions no longer wanted them! See why I call the legendary Ronaldus Maximus the greatest president in the history of all republics! Now Trump's doing the same thing that Reagan did – putting people at the top of government agencies who will do their best to destroy them! After finally remembering, Rick Perry said he’d eliminate the Department of Energy. He’s now nominated to run it – into the ground! Well, in the case of Trump's darkie, good negro Uncle Ben Carson, he may not necessarily intend to destroy HUD, which he's been tapped to lead, he just has absolutely ZERO experience that comes anywhere near being even close to suggesting that he's even remotely qualified to head up a massive federal agency! Then there's Jeff Sessions, who Trump has tapped to be the king of Trump's law & order administration. Sessions was unable to get confirmed for a federal judgeship after being nominated by, you guessed it, St. Ronnie, back in 1986, because he's a blatant racist. That being said, no one will be better at putting the dirty others in their place! Trump's pick to head up the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), Scott Pruitt, is not just a climate science denier, he's also sued the EPA on behalf of the interests of the oil and gas industry multiple times! He currently has cases pending against the EPA right now! Cha-ching – I see cases being instantly settled by the EPA – losers! Pollution's fine if it's making Republicans rich. Then there's Rex Tillerman, the Exxon Mobile CEO, who’s been nominated for Secretary of State. Libtards argue that he has no diplomatic experience whatsoever. However, Tillerman's in deep with Russia! He just (2013) received the coveted Russia's Order of Friendship! That should be enough! Andrew Puzder, who's been picked for labor secretary is the CEO of fast-food chains. As such, he's against raising minimum wage, additional overtime pay, and he favors automation over human employees! There are more picks who are also antithetical to government – don’t worry! The nine most terrifying words just got a whole lot more terrifying! YES!!! ~ GGA100.com 12/14/16 Not Again... ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! This is starting to become a bit embarrassing now! Again, I was all poised and ready to point the finger at Black Lives Matter (BLM)! Even when I heard that two police officers were shot in Crawford County, GA, about 90 miles south of Atlanta, I still held out hope! I said, I know my odds are diminishing but maybe just maybe it was a darkie(s) who did the shooting! But my hopes were again dashed... I tell you ever since we've instructed our corporate media to label BLM as an anti-police domestic terrorist group far more white men, as it's turning out, are actually gunning down the police! Let's look at how the whole thing unfolded in the wee hours (around 2 am) of the morning on Monday (12th). The Byron (GA) police were executing a search warrant, better known as a raid, on a suspected drug dealer at his home. Apparently he was dealing drugs right out of his home! I'm sure that police somewhere must do drug raids in the middle of the day. However, maybe because of TV and the movies we always think of them happening at insane hours of the night! If you're dealing with dangerous criminals like drug dealers you probably do want to catch them while they're sleeping. Well despite those precautions the suspect, Rainer Tyler Smith, a 31-year old white man, shot two of the officers. Officers on the scene were really shaken up because just last month in very nearby Peach County (about five miles away) a policeman's father (from a jurisdiction about 25 miles away) shot and killed two Peach County policemen! I'd love to have been able to have blamed that on BLM but again I couldn't... That's why I just tried to ignore the story. Even worse, the killer, 57-year old business owner Ralph Stanley Elrod, Jr., was a Blue Lives Matter supporter! On a side note, after the age of 30 shouldn't you just drop the junior from your name??? Keeping it does NOT mean that you're not old! "Junior" had the thin blue line on his mailbox outside of his home which is a symbol Blue Lives Matter supporters use to identify their political leanings. Now here we are barely a month later and yet another white man's shooting policemen! I'd love to be able to say that Georgia, being a "Castle Doctrine" state, the white man was startled in the middle of the night and thought that he was the victim of a home invasion - likely by some wandering darkies! However, the police knocked and identified themselves multiple times! The suspect did not answer the door. So the police forced their way in. Upon entry the white man, despite knowing that they were the police shot them anyway! They returned fire, killing the suspect. However, his girlfriend and their one-month old out of wedlock baby were not harmed. ~ GGA100.com 12/13/16 That Uppity Darkie-in-Chief!!! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! I knew it! Libtards just couldn't bow out gracefully! With absolutely no evidence whatsoever, the Darkie-in-Chief has ordered the intelligence agencies to conduct a review of hacking during the presidential election. The uppity darkie ordered them to present him with their findings prior to him leaving office! This was reported by Obama's counterterrorism advisor, Lisa Monaco on Friday (9th). And surprise surprise both the CIA and FBI said they have strong evidence to suggest Russian interference in our elections. Sigh… Sure, I know that the 17 US intelligence agencies had all already accused Russia of interfering with our election. Sure, I heard that during the presidential debates. Trump said that he didn't believe the 17 security agencies and just like everything else President-elect Trump says, that's more than enough for me! Trump said himself that’s he’s forgoing the Presidential Daily Briefings because he doesn’t need them! Unlike all 44 presidents before him President-elect Trump is Smart! Moreover, President-elect Trump pointed out that this was the same “intelligence” that said that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction (WMDs)! And yes, I do know that that’s not actually true. It was then Vice President Cheney who cherry picked intelligence which said that Iraq did not have WMDs and the VP convinced everyone to go along with attacking Iraq ostensibly over 911. Fortunately Trump supporters believe any and everything that the president-elect says. As such, they’ll be just as mistrustful of our intelligence community as Trump is! For the first time ever the right has turned on our intelligence agencies! Our president-elect is amazing!!! This is usually the purview of left wing loons but with Trump’s great leadership we now hate the CIA! And yes, I heard Trump call for the Russians to hack Hilary back in the summer. I couldn't help but hear it because the lamestream media has done nothing but play it over and over and over again ever since the now president-elect said it! However, just like everything else negative that the president-elect has said, the media insists on beating us over the head with it! Sure, they're really Trump's own in context words. I clearly understand that. However, I strongly disagree with the lamestream media's insistence on playing them! Is the president-elect non-politically correct? Well sure he is but that's what we Republicans love about him! Overly sensitive libtards who are always so concerned about people's fragile little feelings have been all in a huff about Trump from the first day (back in June of last year) he called Mexico out for sending a bunch of criminals, rapists, and drug dealers over the border! I’m a heterosexual Republican man, and as a result, I could care less about their little fragile emotions!!! ~ GGA100.com 12/12/16 Why A White Man Must Occupy The White House! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! Filthy rich Jap, Masayoshi Son, the CEO of SoftBank, just announced a $50 billion dollar investment in the US, which will create an incredible 50,000 jobs!!! I know that this money is coming from SoftBank's already announced (back in mid-October) $100 billion tech investment, which is nearly 50% backed by the dictatorial Saudi regime but we'll just ignore that part and pretend that this is yet another example of President-elect Trump creating jobs out of whole cloth! Already committed money notwithstanding, Son cited Trump's promise of deregulation as the motivating factor for choosing now to announce the already decided upon American investment. It was this pesky regulation that killed SoftBank's original plan to buy Sprint and merge it with T-Mobile! These communists and their jealousy laden hatred of monopolies - disgusting! The president-elect and the filthy rich Jap made the announcement last Tuesday (6th) at Trump Towers! See, this is why I have always supported Trump - because he's always closing! EVERY major announcement that Trump has made from the very start of his campaign has been done at a Trump owned property! This gives the Trump brand FREE WORLDWIDE advertising! I'm quite sure that this trend will continue throughout his presidency! Of course libtards are trying to rain on the president-elect's parade! Why didn't the filthy rich Jap along with his towel headed investors do this six months ago, they demand. The answer's obvious libtards! The filthy rich Jap didn't green light the $50 billion investment sooner because the Darkie-in-Chief, not a white man, would have been able to take credit for an improving economy! I mean hasn't the Darkie-in-Chief smashed enough egg in our face by getting the unemployment down to 4.6%, which is the lowest since '07! The Darkie-in-Chief just keeps piling on with his consecutive 74-month jobs growth streak... The Republican Party was plotting on ways to completely thwart Obama back on the very night he was inaugurated the first time! Do you know how hard it's been to convince Americans that we're still in a recession when there's a sub-5% unemployment rate??? Thank God for the poorly educated that we Republicans love so much!!! Their cult like loyalty gives us TOTAL impunity to do or not do any and everything we want to! We've made them so mistrustful of our corporate media that the media could tell gospel level truth about us but if we offer even the slightest protestation our cult will turn on das lugenpresse like a pack of rabid starving dingos! Then the corporate press, terrified of losing advertising dollars and as such jobs, will then bend over and kiss out conservative butts! I know because it's been going on for the last 30 years! ~ GGA100.com 12/9/16 Pizzagate ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! OK, let's everyone just calm down a bit. The patriot made an honest mistake. On Sunday (4th) a poor patriot by the name of Edgar Maddison Welch, took action. And yes, I know. All crazy white people seem to have three names. It's also not lost on me that his parent(s) also didn't know how to spell "Madison." Given that Welch is 28-years old, I'm willing to give his parent(s) a pass because most people didn’t own personal computers back in 1988. There was also no widespread Internet for them to just look up the name James Madison. Welch believed what we just recently learned was an outright lie about Hilary Clinton running a child sex ring out of a DC pizzeria by the name of Comet Ping Pong. The fake scandal was known as Pizzagate. Yes, I've got to admit that that's a REALLY stupid name which screams of satire! In retrospect I must admit that it's REALLY stupid of ANYONE to believe that an independently owned pizza joint would be engaging in a childhood sex ring with underground tunnels for easy smuggling and transport in the first place! OK, we know that now! However, hindsight's always 20/20! Now one thing that we on the right have mastered is creating false equivalence! We've gotten so good with it that EVERY opinion, so long as it's right leaning, is granted instant credibility! As such, no matter how ridiculous it actually is, it has to be dealt with in a very serious way! So if one day a conservative decided to challenge the fact that 1+1 = 2, our corporate media would sit there and actually question the merits of the most simple math! For that we cons deserve a big pat on our collective backs! Well, during the very heated campaign some rather enthusiastic Trump supporters undertook a very ambitious smear campaign against Hilary Clinton. They began spreading, as we've just recently come to learn, outright lies about Hilary Clinton running a childhood sex ring out of the aforementioned local DC pizza joint. The rumors first took flight from a WikiLeaks leak. The leak said that the pizza joint owner had communicated with Clinton's campaign chief, John Podesta. From there, it inexplicably morphed into Pizzagate! The owner had a picture on his website of him and his daughter posing with Hilary Clinton. However, that pic is at least three years old! Despite how ridiculous the Pizzagate rumor was on its face, Trump supporters anxious to believe the absolute worst about Hilary, glommed onto the crazy lie. The stupid lie was obviously compelling enough for a halfwit like Welch to drive all the way from Salisbury, North Carolina to Washington DC to launch his own "investigation." For the geographically challenged among you, that's a six-hour drive!!! With all of the road construction that they do on Sundays in the DC metropolitan area, that trip could take as many as 8-9 hours! And Welch came loaded for bear! He brought with him an assault rifle which he discharged in the pizza joint! He also had a Colt 38 handgun, and a folding knife! Now if I legitimately believed Pizzagate to be a real thing and I was all the way down in North Carolina, I'd have just called the police! Nowadays, you don't even have to pay extra for long distance calls! The fact that Welch, with no kind of investigative experience whatsoever, felt compelled to conduct his own "investigation" makes me, on second thought, begin to question his motives. Was he hoping to go in there and actually find childhood sex slaves so that he could abuse them himself? Hmmmmm... Well, thank God that sick pervert's behind bars!!! ~ GGA100.com 12/8/16 America The Beautiful! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! Officer Brently Vinson, who shot and killed Keith Lamont Scott, will not be charged! Mecklenburg County District Attorney Andrew Murray made the announcement last Wednesday (November 30th). This has once again restored my faith in America! And just think, come January 20th, we can expect even more of this from the law & order president as America will begin becoming great again! I kind of suspected that the worm was turning once Trump took North Carolina! However, what happened last Wednesday confirmed that the worm had indeed turned down in North Carolina! North Carolina is after all still Dixie! Darkie or not, which is what Officer Vinson is, the job of the cops is to kill darkies! I made the mistake of thinking that darkies would not express anger because it was actually officer darkie who did the killing but that was absolutely not the case. In fact, it was far worse! Instead of tearing up their own neighborhoods darkies tore the most sacred downtown up!!! I know - HORRIFIC!!! What were they protesting for??? Haven't darkies become accustomed to darkies being killed by the police yet??? You'd think that by now darkies, just like us whites, would happily pay taxes in order to have our public servants kill darkies! Let's take a very brief trip down memory lane. Back in September the police encountered Scott while looking for a much younger darkie. Scott was in his truck when police ordered him to get out. Scott emerged from his truck with a gun in his hand!!! Given that darkies are Constitutionally exempt from the 2nd Amendment, of course he had to be immediately executed! Now, don't give me that libtard logic about how back in January, a group of white people launched an armed takeover of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, a federal property. Sure, they held law enforcement officials at bay at the barrels of several guns. In fact, the seizure of the Darkie-in-Chief controlled building went on for over 40 days! I also don't want to hear you libtards complaining about Cliven Bundy and his band of white rebels who ran the feds off of Bundy's self-procured federal lands back in April '14. If Bundy wants to let his cattle graze on federally owned lands for free who in the world does the federal government think they are to try and make him pay for it??? Then when he refused to let the feds extort him they had the downright temerity to attempt go out there build fencing to prevent Bundy's cattle from being able to access that grass! Bundy and his crew were well within their rights to draw down on the feds and run them off of that federally owned land! Scott on the other hand never pointed his gun at officers, according to DA Murray. However, Murray did state that Scott could have shot at police! Therefore, any cop can justifiably kill any darkie because any darkie could potentially try to kill them! Although white people could also potentially shoot the police, particularly when they're pointing guns at the police or whomever is representing the tyrannical government at the time, police implicitly understand that white people aren't actually going to harm them if they just back down. With darkies police just can't afford to risk it because a terrorist organization like Black Lives Matter exists! Given that blue lives are FAR MORE valuable than black lives it only makes perfect sense for cops to wantonly kill darkies! ~ GGA100.com 12/7/16 Trump May Appoint Criminal As Secretary Of State. ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! How is this draining the swamp??? Trump has floated the idea of nominating former Bush administration general David Patraeus as Secretary of State. By the way, where are all of these new fresh “all the best people”??? Now this has got to be the biggest early blunder of Trump's administration. I know that people think that Steve Bannon was the worst appointee. However, I feel that the appointment of a white separatist was a great appointment! First of all, the KKK did a lot of free groundwork in canvassing for Trump. How is it a good thing for Trump to ignore his base just because they're bigots and racists??? Bigots and racists have the right to vote too! Why else would the GOP take voting machines away from large urban centers in order to relocate them to rural areas where they could be put to much better use! So Bannon was a great Trump appointment! In fact, Bannon's the ONLY non-recycled fossil in Trump's cabinet! General Patraeus, in addition to being old news, has been CONVICTED of a crime! On April 23, 2015, the good general was fined $100,000 AND sentenced to two years of probation! To those of you who are scoring at home January 20th comes BEFORE April 23rd. This would mean that the Secretary of State would have to report to his probation officer! This would be an absolute first!!! Now look, I get it. I was fully in favor of Trump holding General Patraeus up as an example of how crooked Hilary was during the campaign! Given that no one was really examining what Patraeus actually did during the campaign, it was easy to say that Hilary's E-mail scandal was far worse than what Patraeus did! However, when Trump seriously considered Patraeus enough to actually meet with him last week (November 28th) to discuss potentially nominating him for Secretary of State, the President-elect took his first significant chunk out of his credibility... Now Trump has forced us to examine what it was that the general actually did. Back in 2011, Patraeus both knowingly and willingly shared classified information with his biographer and illicit lover, one Paula Broadwell. He hid the documents in the insulation of his attic and lied to the FBI! Crooked Hilary, who I certainly hate, was cleared by the Senate after an 11-hour grilling (October '15), and she was cleared twice by the FBI within two weeks of the General Election. There's yet another major issue if General Patraeus were to become Secretary of State. Patraeus would also have to get permission by his probation officer or by a court order in order to leave the Western District of North Carolina! In addition, as a parolee Secretary Patraeus would be subject to warrantless searches by his probation officer – which includes his work laptop and phone and whatever else! Well, at least when he would be giving up classified information this time it wouldn't be because he just wanted to. While it's quite common for a president to pardon people – no president has ever had to pardon anyone BEFORE nominating them! I thought Trump said that he had the best brain... ~ GGA100.com 12/6/16 Hung Jury! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! As we hurtle towards January 20th, America just continues to get greater and greater again! Former North Charleston (SC) police officer Michael Slager will walk! Why will he literally get away with murder, you might ask. Because a lone white juror wrote presiding judge, Judge Clifton Newman a letter stating that this one juror couldn't convict a policeman in good conscience. Now given that the jury was comprised of 11 whites and only one darkie, odds are extremely high that a white person, very likely a Trump voter, was the lone holdout. If the lone holdout was the lone darkie, that news would've already have been leaked! On yesterday (5th) the jurors sent Judge Newman a note saying that most of the jurors were undecided. This was clearly done to protect that lone white juror who under no circumstances was willing to send a policeman to jail for something as insignificant as murdering a darkie! Let's briefly go back to why the former policeman was ever unjustifiably on trial to begin with. In April '15, Walter Scott, a darkie, was driving around in a Mercedes Benz! Now granted, it was only a '91 Benz but a Benz nonetheless! There's absolutely no way that a white policeman, particularly not one from down Dixie way, could just let that slide! So, then Officer Slager did what the police have done since they were originally formed as slave patrols, check a darkie! Once then Officer Slager pulled the darkie over for a busted tail light the darkie handed over his license and registration. Once Slager got back into his police cruiser, 50-year old Scott took off running! Now you might ask, why shoot him? Then Officer Slager had the darkie’s license and registration. If he needed to pick him up to arrest him, he could've just gone to the darkie's home and picked him up there. While that's certainly a good question that doesn't apply to darkies because no darkie has any rights which the police are bound to respect – white policemen especially! During the trial Slager said that before some interloping darkie illegal, Feiden Santana, decided to use his cell phone to record the incident, Scott had attacked him. And yes, I did say darkie illegal. Haven't you people ever seen a baseball game or a boxing match before? He looks like his name should be Jamaal Smith but his name is actually Juan Salazar and he doesn't speak one word of English! Don't act like you've never seen a darkie illegal before! Former Officer Slager testified that Scott attempted to get his taser away from him but the 35-year old was able to fend the MUCH older darkie off! Then Officer Slager took aim and filled the darkie's back full of holes. For good measure then Officer Slager was recorded dropping his taser next to Scott's prone and likely lifeless body at that point. I mean after all, how was then Officer Slager supposed to justify shooting the darkie for taking his taser away from him if it wasn't lying near his lifeless body??? And he would've totally gotten away with it too if it wasn't for that meddling darkie illegal! I mean after all, cops have been walking off without even as much as getting charged for shooting darkies down in the streets! Here was a golden opportunity to get some real world moving target practice! And Officer Slager passed with flying colors! Now in what was reminiscent of one of those glory days Dixie trials where an all white jury would let whites off who were charged with killing darkies, it happened in modern times! Well, it was one darkie shy of an all white jury but close enough! ~ GGA100.com 12/5/16 Veterans Have Committed Treason! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! I never thought I'd live to see this day! Tragically more than 2,000 soldiers descended upon the Standing Rock Reservation yesterday (4th). Now when I initially heard of this I was elated! I thought that the veterans were there to help America throw those wild Indians off of the land again! Sadly, they were actually there to protect those wild Indians! And now our veterans, who we always use to justify enriching the military industrial complex, and to slam anyone who expresses rights that we don't want them to have, are now going to have to be vilified! This totally saddens me but it's got to be done! These vets, who have pledged to act as "human shields" to protect the Indians, have now taken on the role of terrorists!!! Despite express requests from the Morton County Sherrif's Office, these soldiers, who at taxpayer expense are trained to follow the orders of government, are being downright defiant! I just don't get it! Look, I know that the 1868 Fort Laramie Treaty made that reservation the property of Indians after we forced all of them off of all of the best lands at the barrels of SEVERAL guns. That being said, we as America reserves the right to revoke any treaty if a big money donor comes along and wants that land! When big money comes along NOTHING else matters with the exception of even BIGGER MONEY! The Indians are only making trouble! They are NOT offering to buy their land from Energy Transfer Partners (ETF), who owns the pipeline, in order to ensure an even greater profit for the corporation. After all, America gave them that land - they didn't buy it! The fact that they failed to get those billions together to hand over to ETF tells me that they don't value their precious drinking water nearly as much as they profess to! As such, they need to stop getting in the way of profits and let ETF go on and make that money! These wild Indians must think that ETF spread all of that money around to politicians for free! As President-elect Trump can say, WRONG! North Dakota Governor Jack Dalrymple III had already ordered the protestors to immediately evacuate from the path of the Dakota Access Pipeline! As a Republican and businessman himself, of course Governor Dalrymple III was going to make the right call! Sadly, because of communistic social media we've been unable to continue completely ignoring the protest. The Army Corps of engineers set the deadline for evacuation of the protestors for today! Yet, these defiant Indians have ignored them! Now it's winter there in North Dakota! After cops used water canons on the protestors in sub-freezing temperatures a couple of weeks ago, libtards began comparing the Indians' protest to the darkies' Civil Rights movement of the 60s. Well, because of those medaling mobile phones with video capability, and that blasted social media, these images got out. No wonder China restricts their citizens' Internet access! After that of course the corporate media could sadly no longer ignore the protest. Well, just like it happened 50 years ago, libtard whites began pouring into North Dakota, this time to assist the Indians with their protest. So after the police suffered a bad PR hit after hitting freezing protestors with water in sub-freezing temperatures, sadly, they of course had to try and soften their image. So Governor Dalrymple then cited extreme weather conditions as the reason for forcibly ending the protest. The governor did not in any way wish to infringe upon the Indians' right to protest. He was only concerned with their safety and the overall safety of the general public. After all, there was just a blizzard that dropped more than a foot of snow on the ground! Governor Dalrymple III then eliminated first responders aid to the protestors because he said that it was too dangerous. They also banned anyone from sending or bringing ANYTHING in to the protestors. Surely that should've shut it all down! It didn't... In fact, 2,000 more people poured in to join the protest! And this was before the more than 2,000 veterans flooded Standing Rock yesterday! According to the North Dakota Indian Affairs department, there only slightly more than 4,100 Indians living on the North Dakota reservation!!! So there are now almost as many protestors protesting the construction of the Dakota Access Pipeline as there are total residents of the reservation! This is a total travesty!!! Why do these Indians hate America? ~ GGA100.com 12/2/16 Former Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro's Dead. ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! Now I wasn't originally even going to address Castro's death over the weekend (Saturday, the 26th). He was our enemy and he's gone, end of story! Or so I thought. What I was astonished to learn was that darkies the world over loved them some Castro! And yes, that includes the darkies right here in America! Sure, Castro was quite darkie friendly but how in the world did our darkies here find that out??? We NEVER had anything positive to say about Castro! So, maybe that was it! The enemy of my enemy is my friend. Yeah, that's it! But that in and of itself is not enough! Using that logic, why aren't darkies salivating all over Stalin, Tse-Tung, or Khrushchev? It's because those three have no track record of helping darkies. Here in America we've poisoned the well against communism and socialism. Unfortunately, the downtrodden welcome communism because they've got absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain. I thought that despite this fact we had successfully turned our darkies against this kind of leveling of the playing field! WRONG! Castro couldn't wait to start helping out darkies! The second he stole the island nation away from its former dictator General Fulgencio Batista, back in '59, Castro immediately banned racism! Why??? Just like here in America darkies came to Cuba by way of the slave ship. As such, darkies were meant to stay at the bottom of the economic barrel! But nooooo. Castro promised darkies that if they were part of the revolution that they would obtain their freedom. Look, I get it. On the surface that seems no different than what the British and later the North did with slaves here in America. And since the wars were still raging on at the time they had to honor their pledge and free the cooperating slaves. However, back in the 50s when Castro and that other leftist communist Che Guevera were in the throws of their treasonous uprising - there were no slaves in Cuba! Therefore, there was no real need to grant darkies equality! Our beautiful America has dangled the equality carrot in front of darkies forever! Just like that dumb ass that was chasing that carrot, equality is seen but NEVER actually obtained! Even today cops can shoot down unarmed and innocent darkies like dogs in the street. What is their punishment for doing this - tens of thousands of dollars raised by darkie hating citizens! The problem is that Castro followed up on trying to treat darkies equally! He punished the white Spanish descendants of the conquistadors for being racist against darkies! As such, America had no choice but to vilify Castro mercilessly! Even worse, Castro offered frequent medical aid to Africa and poor American citizens! Unbeknownst to us, Cubans have some of the best doctors in the world! Adding insult to injury, ALL of their education - from pre-K through medical school was free... There's also virtually zero homelessness, starvation, or unemployment! We certainly can't afford to let Americans know that a backwards jerkwater tiny country like Cuba could even afford to provide top notch free education and medical care to its citizenry! Do you know how much money banks, collection agencies, and insurance companies would lose if we did those things here in America??? ~ GGA100.com 12/1/16 President-elect Trump's Already Saving Jobs!!! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! First it was Ford and then it was the two Carrier plants in Indiana! No details have been made available but Trump and Pence are going to do that later today! State incentives are a big part of it though! This means that taxpayers will basically pay Carrier off to delay their move south of the border! Yes!!! However, massive layoffs are still expected. That being said, Trump can still trumpet having saved HUNDREDS of jobs in Pence’s Indiana! Carrier’s still building a plant in Mexico next year though. However, we’ll just instruct our corporate media to ignore that when it happens! On November 17th The Donald tweeted out that he had just saved Ford (auto maker) employees' jobs! Trump tweeted that his friend Bill Ford, Ford Chairman and great grandson of the founder, told The Donald that the plant will be staying in the great state of Kentucky and NOT moving to Mexico! Things were really looking dicey back in September. Trump said that they were going to move all of Ford's plants down to Mexico! In fact, Ford shut the Louisville plant down for the weeks of October 17 and October 31st! Sure this made the 4,700 plant workers anxious. However, thanks to those bullying union thugs, they still got paid! Preposterous!!! Those union thugs, the United Auto Workers (UAW) had pressured the poor corporation into paying these lazy good for nothings 80% of their normal pay during the shutdown! This is why I rail so hard against unions! This makes workers lazy! If I could get paid 80% of my salary for just sitting on my butt this would make it extremely difficult for me to actually find it necessary to do something in order to get paid! So this news of President-elect Trump already saving jobs has made the rounds in right wing circles and it's great! Thank God Trump voters don't read past the headlines! I truly love the poorly educated too! The fact of the matter is that Ford was never planning to shut down all US operations and moving them all down to Mexico. Back in September when Trump said all of the plants were moving to Mexico, Ford CEO Mark Fields immediately clapped back. Fields said that The Donald was flat out wrong! He stated that there was zero chance that even one of that plant in Mexico! So what are the takeaways? Ford was never actually going to shut the Louisville plant down and moving it to Mexico. There is still a Ford plant currently under construction in Mexico. As such, the victory lap that Trump's taking is actually a job would be lost. Fields went as far as to say that, " It's really unfortunate when politics get in the way of facts." Therefore, Ford was never actually planning to shift operations down to Mexico. Praise The Lord that our Trumpers are either too dumb to know this or too willfully ignorant to believe it! Whew! Additionally, our Trumpers are too stupid to realize that some Ford vehicles are in fact going to still be built in Mexico after all! A new plant is currently under construction in - Mexico!!! The Lincoln MKC will in fact be produced out farce. That being said, our people believe any and everything Trump says. As such, they will continue to site the Ford Kentucky plant as an immediate victory for the Trump administration. Again, I love the poorly educated! ~ GGA100.com 11/30/16 President-elect Trump's Already Saving Jobs!!! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! On November 17th The Donald tweeted out that he had just saved Ford (auto maker) employees' jobs! Trump tweeted that his friend Bill Ford, Ford Chairman and great grandson of the founder, told The Donald that the plant will be staying in the great state of Kentucky and NOT moving to Mexico! Things were really looking dicey back in September. Trump said that they were going to move all of Ford's plants down to Mexico! In fact, Ford shut the Louisville plant down for the weeks of October 17 and October 31st! Sure this made the 4,700 plant workers anxious. However, thanks to those bullying union thugs, they still got paid! Preposterous!!! Those union thugs, the United Auto Workers (UAW) had pressured the poor corporation into paying these lazy good for nothings 80% of their normal pay during the shutdown! This is why I rail so hard against unions! This makes workers lazy! If I could get paid 80% of my salary for just sitting on my butt this would make it extremely difficult for me to actually find it necessary to do something in order to get paid! So this news of President-elect Trump already saving jobs has made the rounds in right wing circles and it's great! Thank God Trump voters don't read past the headlines! I truly love the poorly educated too! The fact of the matter is that Ford was never planning to shut down all US operations and moving them all down to Mexico. Back in September when Trump said all of the plants were moving to Mexico, Ford CEO Mark Fields immediately clapped back. Fields said that The Donald was flat out wrong! He stated that there was zero chance that even one job would be lost. Fields went as far as to say that, " It's really unfortunate when politics get in the way of facts." Therefore, Ford was never actually planning to shift operations down to Mexico. Praise The Lord that our Trumpers are either too dumb to know this or too willfully ignorant to believe it! Whew! Additionally, our Trumpers are too stupid to realize that some Ford vehicles are in fact going to still be built in Mexico after all! A new plant is currently under construction in - Mexico!!! The Lincoln MKC will in fact be produced out of that plant in Mexico! So what are the takeaways? Ford was never actually going to shut the Louisville plant down and moving it to Mexico. There is still a Ford plant currently under construction in Mexico. As such, the victory lap that Trump's taking is actually a farce. That being said, our people believe any and everything Trump says. As such, they will continue to site the Ford Kentucky plant as an immediate victory for the Trump administration. Again, I love the poorly educated! ~ GGA100.com 11/29/16 Celebrate Good Times – Come On! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! Mark your calendars! The celebration is on! The Loyal White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan has planned a victory parade to celebrate the election of America's 45th president – one Donald J. Trump! The victory parade will take place in North Carolina on December 3rd. Finally, something positive in the wake of this nationwide anarchy that has broken out all over this soon to be again great America! Now the imagery of the KKK draws a visceral reaction by most people. OK, I'll concede that. However, more than half of white people once inside of the secrecy cloak of the voting booth pulled that lever for President-elect Donald Trump! Of course when pollsters and exit pollsters asked them about their vote they lied! They did not admit that they were voting for or had voted for The Donald. However, they walked away putting Trump in the White House. So obviously a Trump presidency is what the majority of white voters wanted! Despite how flawed Trump was as a candidate it didn't matter to most white voters! It's time for you hypocrites to stop hiding behind the lie of political correctness! My fellow white people, it's alright to not care about dirty others! Racism doesn't hurt you as a white person – it helps you! You people need to be honest and just revel in your white privilege! That's what it's there for! After all, a white separatist, Steve Bannon has the highest cabinet position in the land! Therefore, white supremacy has again been normalized! What are you people missing??? So come December 3rd, you same white people who went into that voting booth and voted Trump in will be the same people out there protesting against the Klan! And why? You voted the same way that they did! In fact, some of you are among the millions and millions of white people who the KKK ground game reached out to in order to convince you to vote for The Donald! You people disgust me! You're just like the sinful sinner who picks up the fat chick at the nightclub at 1:59 am after woefully striking out with all of the hot chicks. Then you fornicate with her and use her disgusting body to satisfy your sinfully disgusting desires. Then once you leave her you pretend that you were not openly pursuing her because you're worried about what people will think about you and your judgment. Well I cry foul! You white people who voted for Trump need to step up and celebrate with the KKK because we ALL voted for the same thing – to Make America Great Again by putting a white man BACK in the White House!!! As such, we ALL got our way! ~ GGA100.com 11/28/16 Corporations Are People My Friends! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! It's bad enough that libtards have taken to boycotting major corporations that have been supporting The Donald! Don't you libtards know that the Citizens United Supreme Court decision in 2010 made money the same as speech??? This class warfare drives me crazy! If some tip-top level white male executives (with a few good Jews sprinkled in for good measure) from PayPal, Facebook, Sands Casinos, the New York Jets, Johnson & Johnson, BP Gas, or Beal Bank, choose to buy Trump off by donating to his campaign and fund raising for him, who are we to thumb our nose at the holy and most sacred Constitution??? If you do thumb your nose at the Constitution then you’re clearly violating Jesus’ own red font words in three of the four gospels (Matthew 22:21, Mark 12:17, & Luke 20:25)!!! These fine white men need access in order to ensure that our government works on behalf of their 1%/corporate needs! Why do you people hate America and the very First Amendment??? Like Mitt Romney said back in 2011, before we Trumpers hated him, "Corporations are people my friend." Why do libtards want to disenfranchise corporate people my friends??? They of course can't walk into a voting booth and pull a lever but these poor corporations deserve the right to have some say in our elections! And they accuse us Republicans of voter suppression... Now don't confuse our precious corporations' voting access with that of darkies! Those people, certainly not very many of them, are NOT putting millions and billions into political campaigns! As such, they haven't earned the right to vote! Moreover, they tend to vote for Demon-crats anyway. I can't think of any better reason to stop darkies from voting! As you can see – it worked! The darkie vote was waaaaayyyy down (down more than 11%) from what it was in 2012! Thank God for the 4-hour long voting lines and the significantly reduced number of polling places in darkie voting precincts! We Republicans control more than half of the states now because we've brilliantly found ways to keep people from voting that tend not to vote Republican! We know that voter suppression concerns are ridiculous smokescreens but it's up to you libtards to have them struck down! You can only do it state by state so we've got plenty of time to come up with new voter suppression strategies! Now many libtards argue that if Republican policies are so great and we're killing it in so many elections why don't we want more people voting? Why do we try to deny people their right to vote, they whine? Well, because voting should actually be a privilege, not a right! If you're a Republican we have absolutely zero issues with allowing you to vote! So as you can see, we Republicans are NOT tampering with your rights! We just want to be sure that you use those rights the right way – to vote Republican! If you just do that then you'll have absolutely no issues with pesky and increasingly illegal voter ID restrictions, fewer polling places, malfunctioning voting machines, or 12-hour lines in order to be able to cast your sacred vote. So see, it's you libtards who are actually to blame – NOT us Republicans! ~ GGA100.com 11/24/16-11/25/16 11/23/16 NBA Boycotts Trump! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! This is really getting out of hand! Now NBA teams from three states – all of which were won by The Donald, are boycotting Trump Hotels! The Mavericks (Texas), the Bucks (Wisconsin), and the Grizzlies (Tennessee) have announced that they are no longer staying at Trump hotels. This is absolutely OUTRAGEOUS!!! Do you know how much money that this will cost The Donald??? Not only are they losing the teams' business from them no longer staying there, Trump's also losing all of the fans who stay at the hotels too! And this isn't just limited to the groupies who stay there in hopes of landing themselves a rich and overly generous athlete! Fat chance, literally, for most of them but hope springs eternal! This also includes fans of their teams who drop major paper down at the hotel over the course of a 1-3 day (maybe more) Trump hotel stay! Then it goes further. Today there are three teams, although the Grizzlies haven't actually started the boycott yet. They've just announced it. Is it too late to send them back to Canada? The problem is that these three teams are just the tip of the iceberg! More teams are sure to join in on the boycott of The Donald's hotels! Then there's the domino effect of teams from other sports joining in on the boycott. Then entertainers are going to start refusing to stay at Trump hotels! Trump's already had to drastically reduce room prices of his brand new hotel in DC because people have already started boycotting it – and that's with zero celebrity endorsement! Now that the celebrities, who many downright sinfully idolize, are boycotting Trump hotels, many people in the general public will begin boycotting his hotels too! Even the few Trump supporters who could afford to stay at Trump hotels will unwittingly join in on the protest. Now staying in Trump hotels becomes something of a scarlet letter. It's alright to be a bigot if you aren't so easy to identify as being one! That's precisely how the pollsters go it so wrong – because people didn't want to reveal their bigotry by admitting to supporting Trump! Staying in the president of the United States' hotels now makes you a pariah! And contrary to what people may tell you, NOBODY really wants that! Soon the boycott spreads to Trump ties as well as Ivanka's entire clothing line! Now you become a racist just for supporting The Donald by way of Trump named businesses! Sure, Trump stoked the fires of hatred and fear in order to win the White House. Sure, Trump's chief strategist is a white supremacist. However, the election's over now! As such, we should just ignore all of that at this point in the game! Why are you people still bringing up old stuff??? ~ GGA100.com 11/22/16 Shut Your Blasted Mouth Senator Reid!!! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! I have to apologize for my language above but I'm spitting mad! Demon-crats are lining up and piling on in opposition to Trump's appointment of Steve Bannon as his chief White House advisor. Trump has already related that Bannon is on par with his top guy Reince Priebus, who's the White House Chief of Staff. Reid couldn't wait! On the very first day of the post-election lame duck session as the Senate convened on last Tuesday (15th), Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid immediately went in on President-elect Trump for selecting Steve Bannon to such a prestigious cabinet appointment. Of course Reid, who's leaving at the end of the year by the way, so why is he sticking his nose in where it doesn't belong, regurgitated the usual libtard gobbledygook. Bannon's a white separatist. Bannon's a homophobe. Bannon's a xenophobe. Brnnon's a wife beating misogynist. You know, blah, blah, blah! Sure Bannon's all of that is true but so what! Bannon was key in Trump's win! Bannon gave the Republican Party a beautiful gift – white nationalism! Prior to the outcome of the 2016 election it was believed that you needed dirty others in order to win the presidency. Trump, Bannon, and to a much lesser degree (of course!), Kellyanne Conway, have absolutely exploded that myth! White power has made a strong comeback!!! After all, without the endorsement and ground game of the Ku Klux Klan, Trump loses as badly as all of the pollsters predicted that he would! Without the KKK there would’ve been no one to go around and knock on millions and millions of doors! Without the KKK there would’ve been no one around to make millions and millions of phone calls on Trump’s behalf! Brannon's white nationalist roots are why the KKK signed on to help Trump! They weren't openly endorsing Trump in their newspapers before Bannon came on as the Trump campaign CEO! Like all Republicans, all Trump needs to do is to pay lip service to a perceived social ill. Once he's done that he doesn't actually need to do anything to heal the racial divide! Why would Trump legitimately try to heal the racial divide??? He'd lose his base if he genuinely did that! Come on man! As for Bannon's appointment, our token Jews, the Republican Jewish Coalition – are supporting Bannon! These good Jew bastards say thank you when you call them Jew Bastards! That's why I love those Jew bastards! Moreover, they come in handy when we need money and/or legal advice! We've also got more token dirty others of all stripes to beat back ALL of Reid's claims! After all 54% of dumb white girls voted for Trump. So take that you libtard! ~ GGA100.com 11/21/16 This Petty Infighting Must Stop! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! This has gotten absolutely ridiculous! Jared Kushner, who's married to The Donald's daughter, Ivanka Trump, is a spoiled and petty brat! Christie dropped out of the presidential race back in February. Slightly more than two weeks later the New Jersey governor announced that he was endorsing The Donald. Afterward Governor Christie began making campaign appearances with Trump. If Jared Kushner had issues with Governor Christie, why wait nearly nine months to air said grievances??? Maybe it's because this privileged 35-year old snot is the kind of "male" that brags about being petty on social media. I'm just saying. Be a freaking man! Stand up right away, not almost a year later! I'm really starting to question his sexuality! What Kushner's so upset about is that his criminal daddy was sent to prison by Christie when he was a federal prosecutor in New Jersey. Winning such a high profile case right on the edge of media giant New York City really put Christie on the map in a major way! It was this case that gave Christie the kind of profile that allowed a Republican to win the governorship of such a deep blue state like New Jersey. So let's examine what got young Jared's panties all in a bunch. Jared's father, real estate mogul Charles Kushner pled guilty to 18 counts of tax evasion, one count of retaliating against a federal witness (his crooked brother-in-law turned snitch, William Schulder), and another count of lying to the Federal Election Commission. The older Kushner went as far as to hire a prostitute to have sex with his brother-in-law in a hotel room with cameras already set up. The goal was to blackmail him by threatening to show the footage to his wife (Kushner's sister). The plot failed... Now let's examine this like an adult. Kushner's name alone suggests criminality! We all know what an international scourge that kush has been on the drug scene. Did he think that by adding "ner" to it that we wouldn't still see the illegal kush in Kushner??? Moreover, once Poppa Kush went to prison that little snot Jared took over a nearly two billion dollar business empire! Furthermore, if a big money Democratic donor actually went to prison in a deep, deep blue northeastern state – he \ got off light! Poppa Kush was sentenced to two years in prison after PLEADING guilty in September 2004. He only served one year in club fed – a prison more luxurious than your run of the mill citizen’s best home! In typical privileged brat fashion, instead of considering how far beyond the pale his father had to have gone in order to actually get sentenced to prison at all, the young punk totally blames Christie for just doing his job! And just because of some spoiled brat totally missing where the focus belonged – l Trump's transition team is deprived of having a sitting two-term governor at its helm! Sad, so sad... ~ GGA100.com 11/18/16 Drug Addiction Is A Medical Crisis! ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! I need you all to join me in prayer for one of our fallen warriors, Jeff Breedlove. Mr. Breedlove is now the former chief of staff for Republican DeKalb County (GA) District 1 Commissioner Nancy Jester. And yes, in Georgia people did elect someone who’s actual name is Jester. Come on, it’s the deep south after all. Dekalb County is approximately 15 miles northeast from Atlanta. As a Republican Commissioner Jester is of course tough on crime! There was much made about areas of the county full of criminal blight. Well, unfortunately Breedlove himself was caught in such an area with his pants almost literally down. Breedlove got himself into a really sticky situation with a local drug dealer. And to think, he lost a part-time job paying over $100,000 over a $300 unpaid drug debt – sad, so sad... Well, here's how things unfolded. Breedlove met with his drug dealer and a woman, neither of which were charged with any crimes in a motel room. My guess is that they lured the poor soul Breedlove there! Curses upon them for taking advantage of this poor man's tragic medical issue! In the event that any of you are unaware, drug addiction for white people is a medical disease NOT any level of criminality! So that evil drug dealer set poor Mr. Breedlove up for failure! He knew that Breedlove was drug addicted so he continued serving poor Mr. Breedlove drugs. Despite the fact that more than $100,000 year goes a very long way in Georgia, once in the throws of drug addiction you become far less discretionary about how you spend money. So here's poor Mr. Breedlove, in to the dope pusher $300. Poor Mr. Breedlove didn't have the $300 with him. Instead of letting it go and collecting his ill gotten gain at a later date, the dope pusher pushed the issue! Poor Mr. Breedlove had to call upon his family to rescue him. I bet that dirty pusher man just reveled in making poor Mr. Breedlove sweat! Disgusting!!! So once poor Mr. Breedlove had to reach out to his family to bring him the money things surely got scary for them. Despite his urging them not to, poor Mr. Breedlove’s family called the police. The police showed up to the motel to rescue poor Mr. Breedlove. When they arrived poor Mr. Breedlove emerged from the motel room bathroom with his pants unbuckled and in his bare feet. Poor Mr. Breedlove told the cops that the dope pusher had a gun and reached under a pillow on the bed to retrieve it. Fortunately for him he was a white man so he wasn’t immediately mowed down for having a gun. After all, the fine citizen did in fact turn that gun over to the police. He told the police that he was very important and as a result they needed to keep this whole thing quiet. Mr. Breedlove helpfully offered the first responders any future assistance that could be advantageous to their careers. These numbskulls misinterpreted this as Mr. Breedlove throwing his weight around trying to bribe them. This spelled the end for poor Mr. Breedlove… Well, at least he didn’t have to pay his drug dealer what he owed him and the fine citizen got another gun off of the streets and out of darkie hands. See, even the worst junkie white man still finds a way to positively contribute to society! ~ GGA100.com 11/17/16 The Selfish & Greedy Electorate!!! ~ GGA100.com Although Election Day brought us President-elect Trump, local issues did NOT go our way!!! California, Maine, Washington State, Colorado, and even usually sensible Arizona, all voted to raise the minimum wage. Sad, so sad… Even sensible South Dakota rejected lowering the minimum wage. Sad, so sad… What about corporate profits??? It’s completely unfair because these service industry jobs, which has employees that will benefit most, can’t outsource those jobs to slave wage countries!!! This should NEVER have been put on the ballot!!! Despite how much we’ve vilified low wage workers, in the voting booth, apparently even some conservatives voted to raise the minimum wage… Sad, so sad… Libtards always want something for nothing! This is their trademark! How are business owners supposed to thrive??? No one ever cares about the poor, downtrodden entrepreneur! The entrepreneur starts a business for one reason and one reason only – to become insanely wealthy! Paying employees a so-called livable wage is guaranteed to prevent that from happening! Ever since Roosevelt, with his Communistic New Deal politics, began forcing employers to pay a minimum wage, this country has been on a trajectory for disaster! When this country goes all the way down to nothing, we will be able to attribute it directly to the so-called Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938! Fair to whom – certainly not the poor, oft abused entrepreneur! As has been definitively proven, trickle down economics works! You can trust what I say because as the Savedest man in the history of the Republican Party, I could NEVER lie to you!!! Think of all of the waiters, dish washers, and maids who have jobs because of wealth seeking entrepreneurs! These are jobs that would not otherwise exist! Why these peons are whining and moaning, complaining that they aren't making enough money is beyond me! That's what second and third jobs are out there for! However, for me to expect these lazy good for nothing bums to work 60-80 hours a week is for me to expect something totally unrealistic! If they had any kind of work ethic at all, they'd have had the foresight to have been born into better families to begin with! On the other hand, to expect that you should be permitted to rob your employers to the tune of a forced minimum wage is an absolute outrage! Another option was for you to take out loans in order to go to school! This way everybody wins! The corporation, which gets interest payments on your loan wins. You win too because you get to go anywhere from 8-11 years without having to work! If you were smart, you'd continue living with your parents for that 8-11 years, in order to avoid the burden of living expenses while still matriculating! While a student, you'll get offered credit cards, which are free money for you! Your college years are the time when you run up all kinds of debt! That's just part of growing up! Once you decide you want to buy a house or a car or need some loan for another purpose, like starting your own business, then you can get serious about paying your debts off. After 11 years in school and another 11 years of paying off your school, credit card, and any other kinds of debts, you're ready to enter the grown up world at the tender age of 40. Just look at all of the advantages of waiting until you are ready to get out there into the work force! You’ve had the opportunity to make all of your mistakes while still living in your parents’ basement. If you don't have the kind of parents who would allow you to leach off of them until you get to be 40 years old, then you clearly deserve to live in abject poverty! Granted, at the age, it may be a little awkward to have to start at the bottom! However, with hard work and dedication, you may make it to mid-level management by 55 or 60! ~ GGA100.com 11/16/16 Chief Strategist, Steve Bannon ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! Finally, white power has returned to Washington! Steve Bannon, who made his bones as the executive chairman of the alt right website Breitbart News, was appointed as CEO to The Donald's campaign back in August. For those of you that don't know, the alt right is a kinder, gentler form of white nationalism that just doesn't come across as forcefully as overtly as your typical racists and bigots tends to do. Therefore, it's more easily explained away as not being racist. Psst, fortunately, it's actually at least just as racist! Breitbart News is known for putting the white man first! I couldn't think of anyone better to run Trump's campaign than one of the finest practitioners of the alt right! Things had gotten really bad out here – really, really bad with a darkie sitting in the White House! Now the darkies have had a chance to feel the pain and shock and horror that we white conservatives felt four and eight years ago! Schadenfreude! Now with the appointment of Bannon as Trump's chief strategist and senior counselor, happy days are here again! Trump appointed former RNC chairman Reince Priebus as Chief of Staff. However, Trump made it clear that Bannon is an "equal partner" with Priebus! Maybe at some point a president has put someone else in his cabinet on par with his chief of staff. However, I personally have never heard of such! Therefore, this clear nod to empowering white separatists tells me that the white man is clearly back on top! I knew that Trump wouldn't just turn his back on the KKK! After all, if not for the KKK, Trump would've had no ground game whatsoever, and couldn't possibly have won! Thank you KKK for knocking on over 13 million doors and reaching who knows how many more millions through phone banking! I know it was a little scary at first with Trump talking about healing our once again great nation's divide. However, we all knew that without exacerbating that divide that Trump never would've won the election! As such, we knew that this was just Trump being a politician! The real Trump showed us that he too is a white nationalist when he appointed our very own Steve Bannon to the top White House cabinet position! While at Breitbart, Bannon has green lighted such articles as Bill Kristol: Republican Spoiler, Renegade Jew, Big Trans Hate Machine Targets Pitching Great Curt Schilling, There's No Hiring Bias Against Women In Tech, They Just Suck At Interviews, Trump 100% Vindicated On Muslim Celebrations After 9/11, 6 Reasons Pamela Geller's Muhammad Cartoon Contest Is No Different From Selma (MLK's Civil Rights march), and many more great articles just too numerous to name here! So see, The Donald's still with us! We can certainly trust him and believe him because he's clearly demonstrating that he is Making America Great Again! ~ GGA100.com 11/15/16 Trump's Got His Phone Back... ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! Trump blasted away at the New York Times via Twitter. He tweeted, "Wow, the @nytimes is losing thousands of subscribers because of their very poor and highly inaccurate coverage of the "Trump phenomena." Well, the problem with these kinds of tweets is when they aren't based in fact. Trump made this statement when sadly – the total opposite is the case. In fact, the New York Times have increased subscriptions fourfold since the start of the campaign. If the president is going to be an Internet troll, please, please, PLEASE put accurate information out there!!! When the president puts out clearly false information it makes the whole country look stupid! I'm of course elated that a white man is president, albeit a buffoon. That being said, these ridiculous tweets, which in this case just serve as free advertisement for a liberal rag, just are NOT helping! In the final days of the General Election campaign Kellyanne Conway was able to wrest The Donald's phone away from him. Trump seemed to create one firestorm after another with his infamous 3 am nasty tweets. Well, the election is over and President-elect Trump has been once again taking to Twitter. Most recently (13th) Trump took to Twitter to go in on the New York Times. Now look, I get it. The New York Times is a liberal rag. As a conservative of course we all hate the New York Times! As a Republican I wouldn't even use the New York Times if I were on the toilet and ran out of toilet paper! Nevertheless, it's going to look bad when the president elect goes after the Fourth Estate, whether it's justified or not! When the president is hostile toward a newspaper, especially one with a large national circulation, from the nation's largest city, he comes off like something of a dictator. We spent eight years demonizing Obama for being a dictator. Now here we are, not even to the inauguration yet and Trump's already demonized both the Washington Times and New York Times! That's NOT helping! Ever since that faggoty Thomas Carlyle used the term, the Fourth Estate, when referring to the press in reference to the French Revolution back in 1837, it stuck. Since forever, in this country the press, while much maligned, is still considered to be somewhat sacred. It's even equated to being a quasi fourth branch of government. The press is supposedly there to keep politicians and government in general, honest. Fortunately, since the dismantling of the Fairness Doctrine back in 1987, corporate profits have ruled the day! The media no longer keeps anyone honest if doing so will cost them advertising dollars! Thank God that the media no longer has an obligation to the good of the community anymore and can just focus on profits! That being said, we have to look at the corporate/profit aspect of the New York Times. In New York City, a place that fully went for Hilary, of course a liberal newspaper is going to be what the people want! If that paper's going to make any money then they've clearly got to cater to their audience! The president-elect needs to be advised that you can win an election by being anti-press but once you've won you've got to stop the criticism!!! ~ GGA100.com 11/14/16 Not Again... ~ GGA100.com Hola flocksters! My white men are killing me!!! Now for the second time in as many weeks, a white man has ambushed and shot police officers... When I heard that two police officers were ambushed and killed, I of course immediately blamed Black Lives Matter (BLM)! After all, BLM is responsible for creating an environment where our fine police officers are no longer safe! It was not until BLM began jumping up and down screaming about cops killing unarmed darkies that police immediately became persona non grata! This of course totally infuriated me and other conservatives! Darkie lives don't matter! It's not like the cops had killed a dog, gorilla, or an alligator for goodness sake! So when police kill darkies they're just doing their jobs – plain and simple! What kind of a society are we living in where people are maligned and vilified for doing their jobs??? We're truly in the funhouse mirror phase of society! Sad, so sad... Well, so much for it being a darkie this time… In the wee hours of a Wednesday (2nd) morning (just after 1 am) a white man, identified as Scott Michael Greene, 46, of Urbandale, Iowa, shot and killed two police officers. Without warning or provocation Mr. Greene killed two policemen while they were sitting in their squad cars, approximately 20 minutes apart. The first slain officer was found in Urbandale, Iowa and the second one was found in Des Moines. The killings took place within two miles apart. After it was announced all over local news that he was the prime suspect poor Mr. Greene turned himself in later that same day (2nd). He was at a football game at his daughter’s high school on October 14th. His First Amendment rights were violated as police escorted him out of the school for proudly waving his Confederate flag. Instead of arresting the darkies who stole his property the overreaching tyrannical police violated Mr. Greene’s rights when he was the victim! Now I'm beginning to fear that a deadly trend is developing! White men seem to be declaring war on the cops! This is extremely terrifying! White men have Second Amendment protections! I clearly understand that Iowa was never part of the Confederacy. That being said the Gestapo police state has absolutely no right to infringe upon Mr. Greene’s First Amendment rights! I wish he had gone another route other than killing innocent police officers but perhaps they were the actual cops that infringed upon Mr. Greene’s freedoms. Even still, I can’t condone violence. However, Mr. Greene obviously felt that he had to kill those policemen because they were symbols of government overreach and tyranny. That's the ENTIRE reason for the Second Amendment to begin with! President-elect Trump warned us about his supporters exploring Second Amendment remedies. I just didn’t think that they would start before Election Day! ~ GGA100.com 11/11/16	i don't know
Procyon and Gomesia are the two brightest stars in which constellation?	Procyon is the Little Dog Star \| Brightest Stars \| EarthSky Want to know more about astronomy? Sign up for our free daily newsletter today! View larger. \| Orion with his Dogs. The Dog Stars are Sirius in the constellation Canis Major, and Procyon in the constellation Canis Minor. In this photo, Orion is in the upper right. Notice that the three stars of Orion’s Belt point to the brightest star in this photo, Sirius. Procyon is the bright star on the far left of the photo. Procyon and Sirius make a large triangle with the bright star Betelgeuse in Orion. Taken in February 2013 by EarthSky Facebook friend Daniel McVey over White River National Forest – Summit County, Colorado. Thank you, Daniel! See more photos from Daniel McVey on his Facebook page. Procyon is easy to find on winter and spring evenings, in a large pattern made of three bright stars, known as the Winter Triangle. How to see Procyon. Look for Procyon in the evening in the winter and spring months. By March of every year, Procyon is at or near the meridian (highest point in the sky) at early evening. By June, Procyon sets not long after dark. Procyon is the brightest star in Canis Minor the Lesser Dog. This constellation is small, with only one other noteworthy star, named Gomeisa. Sometimes, Canis Minor is called the Hot Dog. Sometimes Procyon is called the Lesser Dog Star or Little Dog Star. Our chart shows Procyon as a member of the Winter Triangle asterism. In other words, these stars are not a recognized constellation – just a group of noticeable stars that happen to form a triangle pattern on the sky’s dome. Fainter than blue-white Sirius to its south, white Procyon is marginally brighter than orange-red Betelgeuse to the west. The best time to view Procyon is at evening in late winter through spring, when the Winter Triangle (Sirius, Procyon, Betelgeuse) is highest in the sky. At magnitude 0.4, Procyon is almost the same brightness as nearby Betelgeuse in Orion, with average magnitude 0.45. (Remember, in the magnitude system, larger numbers are fainter.) “Procyon” is also the genus designation of raccoons. University of Michigan Museum of Zoology Procyon in history and mythology. Procyon is the alpha star of the constellation Canis Minor the Small Dog. In mythology, Canis Minor is the smaller of two of Orion the Hunter’s companion hunting dogs. The constellation Canis Major depicts the Great Dog, highlighted by Sirius , the sky’s brightest star (after the sun). The name Procyon is from Greek and means “before the dog,” a reference to the rising of this star shortly before Sirius, the larger Dog Star in the constellation Canis Major. Procyon’s rising time was particularly important in ancient Egypt, because the helical rising – or rising just before the sun – of Sirius heralded the annual flooding of the Nile River. Thus the rising of Procyon just before Sirius gave even more advanced warning. Procyon still does rise before Sirius as seen from mid-northern latitudes, like those in the northern United States. But from the southern U.S. and similar latitudes – for example, Cairo in Egypt – Sirius now rises before Procyon! Thus an observer in Cairo today would find that Sirius rising a couple of minutes before Procyon and the reason for the name “before the dog” no longer applies. This change is due to a kind of long-term wobble in Earth’s motion, called precession. An aside: “procyon” is also the genus designation of raccoons. Apparently the “before the dog” appellation indicated that biologists once considered raccoons as the precursors of dogs in the evolutionary sequence – an idea no longer in favor. Read more about Procyon from Daniel Perley at Berkeley. Procyon science. The star Procyon is nearing the end stages of its lifetime, evolving from a normal mature star to the inflated giant stages of old age. Normal stars spend the large majority of their lifetimes converting hydrogen into helium. As the available hydrogen runs out, a star grows larger and its surface becomes cooler. Eventually Procyon will become a red giant star, much larger and brighter than the sun, but that is still some millions of years in the future. Currently Procyon is designated as an F5IV-V star, where the F5 essentially gives the color or temperature of the star’s surface, and the IV-V means that it is in a transitional phase between the Main Sequence (V) and subdwarf (IV) periods. Only 11.4 light-years away, Procyon is one of our nearest stellar neighbors. It is about 1.4 times as massive as the sun, and has roughly twice its diameter. Slightly more than 7 times brighter than the sun, Procyon’s hotter surface (about 11,300 degrees F (6550K) compared to about 10,000 degrees F for the sun) radiates more of the higher energy but shorter wavelengths of light. As such, it is nearly 8 times more energetic (luminous) than the sun. Procyon is a double star with a faint white dwarf companion that is not visible except in telescopes. The white dwarf, Procyon B, is farther along in its evolution than Procyon, and in fact has reached the end of the line. It no longer produces stable hydrogen fusion and is considered a “dead” star. The reasonable assumption is that these two stars formed at the same time, so the fact that Procyon B has already become a stellar corpse indicates that it originally must have been slightly more massive than Procyon. More massive stars tend to burn their fuel hotter and faster, causing them to burn out sooner. The position of Procyon is RA 07h 39m 18.1/17.7s, dec +05° 13′ 29/20″.	Canis Minor
Which 1965 Joe Orton play tells the story of two young thieves, Hal and Dennis who rob a bank together?	Canis Minor: Facts, Myth, Star Map, Major Stars, Deep Sky Objects \| Constellation Guide Constellation Guide Constellations: A Guide to the Night Sky Canis Minor Constellation Canis Minor is a small constellation in the northern sky. Its name means “the smaller dog” or “lesser dog” in Latin. The constellation represents one of the dogs following Orion , the hunter in Greek mythology. The other dog is represented by the larger neighbouring constellation Canis Major . Both constellations were first catalogued by the Greek astronomer Ptolemy in the 2nd century. Canis Minor is home Procyon, one of the brightest stars in the night sky, Luyten’s Star, one of the nearest stars to Earth, and the spiral galaxy NGC 2485, among other notable objects. FACTS, LOCATION & MAP Canis Minor Map, by IAU and Sky&Telescope magazine Canis Minor is the 71st largest constellation in the sky, occupying an area of 183 square degrees. It lies in the second quadrant of the northern hemisphere (NQ2) and can be seen at latitudes between +90° and -75°. The neighboring constellations are Cancer , Gemini , Hydra , and Monoceros . Canis Minor does not contain any Messier objects nor does it have any stars with known planets. The brightest star in the constellation is Procyon, Alpha Canis Minoris, which is also the seventh brightest star in the sky. There is one meteor shower associated with the constellation, the Canis-Minorids. Canis Minor belongs to the Orion family of constellations, along with Canis Major , Lepus , Monoceros , and Orion . MYTH Canis Minor is most commonly identified as one of the dogs following Orion, the hunter in Greek myth. In another legend, the constellation is said to represent Maera, dog of the unlucky wine-maker Icarius, who was killed by his friends after they had mistaken drunkenness for a murder attempt, thinking Icarius had tried to poison them. (They had never tasted wine before.) Maera, Icarius’ dog, found his body and ran to his daughter Erigone. Both the daughter and the dog were overwhelmed with grief and took their own lives. Erigone hanged herself and the dog jumped off a cliff. Zeus later placed their images in the sky. In this version of the constellation myth, Icarius is associated with Boötes, the Herdsman , Erigone with the constellation Virgo , and Maera with Canis Minor. Hyginus (Latin author who lived at the turn of the millennium) confused the myth somewhat in his writings. He wrote that Icarius’ murderers escaped to the island of Ceos and, as punishment for their misdeed, the island was stricken with sickness and famine, which were attributed to the searing Dog Star , Sirius. (Procyon is mistaken for Sirius here, the other dog star, located in Canis Major .) When Aristaeus, King of Ceos asked the god Apollo, who was also his father, for advice on saving his people from starving to death, he was told to pray to Zeus. Aristaeus did so and Zeus sent Etesian winds to the island. Every year, the myth goes, Etesian winds blow for 40 days and cool Greece and its islands during the Dog Days of summer. After Zeus had sent relief to Ceos, the priests instituted the custom of making ritual sacrifices to the gods every year before the rising of Sirius . In yet another myth, Canis Minor is identified as the Teumessian fox, the animal that could not be outrun, and was eventually turned into stone by Zeus, who also turned its hunter, Laelaps, to stone. (Laelaps was an extremely fast dog, destined to always catch its prey. In the myth, the dog is represented by the constellation Canis Major .) To commemorate the event, Zeus placed both animals in the sky. MAJOR STARS IN CANIS MINOR Procyon – α Canis Minoris (Alpha Canis Minoris) Procyon is the brightest star in Canis Minor and the seventh brightest star in the sky. It has an apparent visual magnitude of 0.34. Procyon is not extraordinarily bright in itself, but is located pretty close to the Sun; it lies only 11.41 light years away. It is the 13th nearest star system to our own. The stars of the Winter Triangle and the Winter Hexagon The star’s name is derived from the Greek προκύον (prokyon), which means “before the dog.” It is also sometimes called Antecanis, which means the same thing in Latin. The star got this name because it rises before Sirius, the Dog Star , in the sky when observed from most northern latitudes. Procyon is a binary star system, composed of a white main sequence star, Procyon A, which belongs to the spectral class F5 IV-V, and Procyon B, a DA-type faint white dwarf as the companion. Procyon A has 1.4 solar masses and is 7.5 times more luminous than the Sun, while Procyon B has 0.6 solar masses and an apparent magnitude of 10.7. Scientists believe that life is unlikely in Procyon’s system because the habitable zone may not contain stable orbits because of the presence of the white dwarf and also because Procyon emits more of its light in the ultraviolet spectrum, which is damaging to life forms. Procyon is part of the Winter Triangle asterism, along with Sirius in Canis Major and Betelgeuse in the constellation Orion . It is also one of the vertices of the Winter Hexagon , along with the stars Capella in Auriga , Aldebaran in Taurus , Castor and Pollux in Gemini , Rigel in Orion and Sirius in Canis Major . Gomeisa – β Canis Minoris (Beta Canis Minoris) Gomeisa, the second brightest star in Canis Minor, is a hot, B8-type main sequence star classified as a Gamma Cassiopeiae variable. It rotates rapidly and exhibits irregular variations in luminosity because of the outflow of matter. These stars are also known as shell stars because they are surrounded by a disk of ejected material, which is heated up by the stars’ emissions. Gomeisa is approximately 170 light years distant. It has a mean apparent magnitude of 2.89, with its brightness varying between magnitudes 2.84 and 2.92. The name Gomeisa is derived from the Arabic al-ghumaisa, which means “the bleary-eyed (woman).” γ Canis Minoris (Gamma Canis Minoris) Gamma CMi is a double star, a spectroscopic binary, approximately 398 light years from Earth. It has an apparent visual magnitude of 4.33. The main star in the system is an orange K-type giant and the unresolved companion has an orbital period of 389 days. G Canis Minoris G Canis Minoris (G CMi) is another binary star, approximately 261 light years distant. It is an orange K-type giant with a magnitude of 4.39. Luyten’s Star (GJ 273) Luyten’s Star is a red dwarf, approximately 12.36 light years from Earth. It has an apparent magnitude of 9.87, which makes it very faint to observe. Luyten’s Star is the 22nd nearest star system to our own. The closest approach was about 13,000 years ago, when the star was within 3.67 parsecs. It is now in the process of moving away from the solar system. Luyten’s Star was named after Willem Jacob Luyten, the Dutch-American astronomer who first determined the star’s proper motion. The star is currently located only 1.2 light years from Procyon. DEEP SKY OBJECTS IN CANIS MINOR Canis Minor contains a number of deep sky objects, but all are very faint and difficult to observe. The brightest is the spiral galaxy NGC 2485, with an apparent magnitude of 12.4. The galaxy is located 3.5 degrees northeast of Procyon. Its coordinates are 07:56:48.7 (right ascension), +07:28:39 (declination). Astronomy	i don't know
Chablis, Pouilly-Fuissé, and Macon-Villages are all white wines from which French region?	Wine Chardonnay, White Burgundy wines, New World White Chardonnay wines YouTube The Chardonnay Wine Grape Chardonnay is a green-skinned grape variety used to make white wine. It is believed to have originated in the Burgundy wine region of eastern France but is now grown wherever wine is produced. The Chardonnay grape itself is very neutral, with many of the flavors commonly associated with the grape being derived from such influences as terroir and oak. It is made into many different styles of wine, from the elegant, “flinty” wines of Chablis to rich, buttery Meursaults and New World wines with tropical fruit flavors. It is widely known for producing excellent full-bodied wines. The cooler zoned climate Chardonnay grapes produce an abundance of fruit flavors. White Burgundy You won't find the word "Chardonnay" anywhere on the bottle but the world's best Chardonnay wines bear only the name of the place in Burgundy, France where they were made. These are known as "white Burgundy" wines, and are usually 100% Chardonnay. The three primary Chardonnay winegrowing regions within Burgundy are 1) Côte de Beaune, 2) Chablis and 3) Mâconnais. The Côte de Beaune region is home to the greatest of all white Burgundy wines, made in villages of Meursault, Puligny-Montrachet, Chassagne-Montrachet and the Corton-Charlemagne vineyard. Unlike other white Burgundies, these wines are fermented and aged in oak barrels, emerging lucious and full-bodied. Chablis chardonnays are characterised by tingly lemon, green apple, and mineral flavors that can seem sour at first but are excellent when paired with the right dish. There are three levels of quality (and price) from basic Chablis, to Chablis Premier Cru to Chablis Grand Cru. The Mâconnais region is a source of "value" Chardonnays, including Pouilly-Fuissé and Mâcon-Villages, in comparison to other white Burgundy wines. Reliable producers include Louis Latour, Bouchard, Jadot and others. Domestic and New World Chardonnay California and other domestic Chardonnays are very different in style, usually richer and heavier than French Chardonnays, and are often oaked for a vanilla-bean or smoky bouquet. Oak also lends a golden color to the wine. Big buttery (see malolatic fermentation ) or overoaked Chardonnays can overwhelm delicate dishes and sometimes are made to mask poor quality, flavorless grapes. The best examples of domestic Chardonnay are perfectly balanced with good acidity. Napa Valley Chateau Montelena produces an indisputably balanced Chardonnay, which won the attention of the world in the famous 1976 Paris Blind Wine Tasting that put California wine on the world map. (If you haven't seen it, check out the movie "Bottle Shock" and our short video about this historic event.) Australia, New Zealand and Chile also produce good quality, inexpensive chardonnay with bright tropical fruits. Their style tends to resemble California Chardonnay. Tasting Chardonnay You can pick up apple, pineapple, or the hint of peach. The warmer climate Chardonnays may have less of the fruits but develop wonderful honey, vanilla, and roasted flavors that really fill the mouth. While many examples of Chardonnay can benefit from a few years of bottle aging, especially if they have high acidity, most Chardonnays are meant to be consumed in their youth. Notable exceptions to this are the most premium examples of Chablis and white Burgundies. Food & Chardonnay Wine Pairings Due to the wide range of styles, Chardonnay has the potential to be paired with a diverse spectrum of food types. It is most commonly paired with roast chicken and other white meats such as turkey. Heavily oak influenced Chardonnays do not pair well with more delicate fish and seafood dish. Instead, those wines tend to go better with smoked fish, spicy southeast Asian cuisine, garlic and guacamole dips. Looking for an interesting alternative to Chardonnay? You might try a Viognier. It offers a full, rich body and intense aromas with high alcohol content. Viognier has tropical fruit and floral aromas instead of Chardonnay's vanilla and butter scents. It also is somwhat less food friendly in that Viognier's floral qualities can overwhelm light dishes. Try it with seafood bisque or crab cakes, pork or tropical moderately spiced foods like satays and coconut milk curries. (See our video on Viognier for a recap.) Bon appetit! Video In this short video, Rob Moshein presents a brief but excellent overview of Chardonnay and the chief Chardonnay producing wine regions, including Burgundy, France.	Burgundy
A maple leaf is the livery of which airline?	Louis Jadot Chablis 2013 Louis Jadot Chablis 2013 Chardonnay from Chablis, Burgundy, France white wine Reviews Winemaker's Notes The grapes for the Louis Jadot Chablis are handpicked and sorted, then gently pressed and fermented without artificial temperature control. The goal is always to retain the wine's complexity and structure. The wine is pristine, bright and fresh with high acidity and citrus and mineral aromas and flavors. Delicious with poultry, shellfish and lobster. Critical Acclaim WS90 Wine Spectator - "Sleek, with bracing acidity defining the lemon, apple and stony flavors. Has enough flesh for balance and a long, subtle finish. Drink now through 2020. " Louis Jadot Winery The House of Louis Jadot has been producing exceptional Burgundy wines since its founding in 1859 by Louis Henry Denis Jadot. For the past 150 years Louis Jadot has continued as one of the great names of Burgundy and has gained international reputation for its superb red and white Burgundy wines. Louis Jadot is not only one of the largest producers of estate Burgundies of the Cote d'Or, it is one of the most celebrated exporters of premium Burgundies, owning close to 140 acres of vineyards from 24 of the most prestigious sites in Burgundy. View all Louis Jadot Wines About Chablis Shop for wine from Chablis Chablis got a bad rap when its name was plastered on large jug wines in the 1980's and 90's. Luckily, the wine in those jugs has nothing in common with the actual region. Wines produced in Chablis are some of the most unique in the world. Typical descriptors of a classic Chablis include a greenish tinge on the wine, minerality and crisp acidity balanced by a round mouthfeel. Chablis is a perfect match to any fish or shellfish dish. Notable Facts The northernmost region of Burgundy , Chablis' location is closer to Champagne than its Burgundian neighbor, Cote d'Or. This northern proximity gives Chablis a cool, continental climate. The soil is a limestone base, and in the best vineyard sites that limestone is covered with Kimmeridgian clay, a material that is very high in marine fossils. The climate, paired with these distinctive soils, makes the area particularly suited for Chardonnay - the almost exclusive white grape of the area. Those who claim not to like Chardonnay will be pleasantly surprised by the uniqueness of Chablis. The winemakers of the region almost always stick to stainless steel for fermentation, and many use no oak at all. If oak-aged, the wine will only be in large French oak barrels, which give the wines flavors that are a far cry from your typical California Chardonnay. About France - Other regions When it comes to wine, France is a classic. Classic blends, grapes and styles began in the country and they still remain. Think about it - people ask for a Burgundian style Pinot Noir , they refer to wines as Bordeaux or Rhone blends - Champagne even had to pass a law to stop international wineries from putting their region on the label of all sparkling wine. The top regions of France are: Bordeaux , Burgundy , Champagne , Languedoc-Roussillon , Loire , Rhone . And these regions are so diverse! It makes sense that wine regions throughout the world try to emulate their style. Pinot Noir, Chardonnay , Cabernet Sauvignon and Syrah are no longer French varieties, but international varieties. They may not be the leader of cutting edge technology or value-priced wines, but there is no doubt that they are still producing wines of great quality and diversity. Customer Reviews	i don't know
Brie Larson won the 2016 Best Actress Oscar for her performance in which film?	Brie Larson 2016 Oscar Winner For Best Actress For ‘Room’ \| Deadline Oscar Winners 2016: The Complete List The powerful film has been a critical favorite since premiering at Telluride , and Larson thanked the festival in her acceptance speech — along with distributor A24, which acquired the film at Cannes in 2014. Already having won a BAFTA, SAG, Golden Globe and Critics’ Choice Award, Larson’s Oscar win cements the actress’ bona fides. The Academy Award nomination this year catapulted her career much in the same way that a nomination did for Jennifer Lawrence in 2010 with Winter’s Bone. Like Lawrence, who went on to star in the Hunger Games tentpoles, Larson next will star in the tentpole Kong: Skull Island. The 26-year-old California native had been acting since she was about 10 years old, but it was her role in the indie drama (and festival favorite) Short Term 12 that grabbed the attention of director Lenny Abrahamson to cast her for the lead in Room. He heard about Larson’s performance in the indie film from an assistant in his office. Related Oscars Host Chris Rock Smooths The Waters As Leonardo DiCaprio Finally Gets His Win – Review Meanwhile, Larson — who was given the book on which the movie is based by her manager Anne Woodward — was emotionally hooked after reading Room, which she did in one day, she told Deadline . She has said that she had no idea that she would be able to land such a plum role, however. Room, which was adapted for the big-screen by Emma Donoghue from her own book, was based on a news story that the author-turned-screenwriter came upon about an Austrian woman named Elisabeth Fritzl who had been raped by her father for decades and lived locked in their basement. The book rose to prominence when President Obama was seen walking out of a bookstore with it while on vacation in Martha’s Vineyard. Related Leonardo DiCaprio Wins Oscar For Best Actor For ‘The Revenant’ Once Larson came aboard, the actress started researching and even living the role. She spoke to a trauma specialist and isolated herself almost completely to understand the mind-set. She cut down on the amount of calories that she took in to look more malnourished. The character was an athlete before being kidnapped, so Larson kept that in mind. She learned about PTSD and how that affects behavior and thoughts to help her through the second half of the film — a transition from victim to survivor. The performance was one that many victims of crime could relate to. Jacob Tremblay on the set of ‘Room’ She has said that the trust that she and her young co-star Jacob Tremblay built was key to her performance. It was a special relationship, not unlike one between mother and son, as she tended to his every need on the set as a strong bond was formed. In her acceptance speech, she called Tremblay “my partner through this in every way possible.” He was was only 7 years old when the movie was shot. She also thanked her director who led a crew that was a mix of nationalities: Abrahamson is Irish, the DP Danny Cohen was British, the production designer Ethan Tobman was Canadian.	The Room
Which German battleship sank the HMS Hood on May 24th 1941?	Oscars 2016: spotlight on Brie Larson Oscars 2016: spotlight on Brie Larson Pin it Share Favorite for "Best Actress" at the 2016 Oscars, Brie Larson already picked up the Golden Globe for her role in "The Room" on January 10. More The 26-year-old American actress is a hot tip for one of this year's prestigious American Academy awards. Her intense performance in indie flick "The Room" has seen Brie Larson become one of the most likely candidates for the 2016 Oscar for "Best Actress." Brie Larson is a dead cert for the list of five finalists for "Best Actress," set to be unveiled January 14 by the American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. In fact, her critically acclaimed performance in independent film "The Room" already won her a Golden Globe on January 10. The Californian actress stars as Ma, a young woman who is kidnapped and held in a room for seven years, where she is raped by her captor and bears his child. Already a familiar face in the movie business, Brie Larson isn't so well-known to the general public, despite roles in "21 Jump Street" and "Trainwreck." But 2016 is sure to see her step into the spotlight as this year's top favorite for the "Best Actress" Academy Award, ahead of Oscars veteran Cate Blanchett. The 46-year-old Australian actress is expected to bag her seventh nomination for her role in "Carol." She won the "Best Supporting Actress" Oscar in 2005 for "The Aviator," then landed "Best Actress" in 2013 for "Blue Jasmine." Jennifer Lawrence could impress the jury once again in a new David O. Russell flick. Picking up "Best Actress" in 2013 for her role in Russell's "Silver Linings Playbook," the "Hunger Games" star is expected to see her fourth nomination for her performance in "Joy," which already landed her "Best Actress" in a comedy at the Golden Globes on January 10. Other stars tipped to make this year's list include Saoirse Ronan -- up for her second Oscar nomination with "Brooklyn" -- and Charlotte Rampling, who could see the first nomination of her career for "45 Years." Carey Mulligan ("Suffragette"), Maggie Smith ("The Lady in the Van") and Helen Mirren ("Woman in Gold") have also been floated as outsiders. After winning the Golden Globe for "Best Supporting Actress" for her role in "Steve Jobs," Kate Winslet is expected to be up for the Oscar too. With six Oscar nominations already to her name, the "Titanic" star is popular with the Academy. Winslet could be nominated alongside Rooney Mara, who won "Best Actress" at the Cannes Film Festival in May 2015 for her role in "Carol," Alicia Vikander ("The Danish Girl"), Jennifer Jason Leigh ("The Hateful Eight"), Jane Fonda ("Youth") and Kristen Stewart, who won a French César in 2015 for "Clouds of Sils Maria." Reblog	i don't know
Which plant widely cultivated for its seeds and oil has the Latin name Helianthus Annus?	Helianthus annuus (sunflower) \| Plants & Fungi At Kew Discover more Geography and distribution Sunflower was first domesticated from its wild ancestor more than 5,000 years ago in the south-western part of the USA and, within a short period of time, became widespread throughout the Americas. Its value as an ornamental plant and use as a source of food and oil attracted the attention of European explorers who brought the crop to Europe in the 16th century. By the 19th century sunflower was being cultivated on a wide scale in Russia, the Ukraine and Caucasus regions for the manufacture of edible vegetable oil. The crop is still important in that part of the world today along with the US and Argentina. Other key producers are India, China, Turkey, the European Union (eg France, Spain) and South Africa. Occasionally, sunflower escapes cultivation and becomes naturalized. Habitat Cultivated in relatively cool temperate to warm subtropical climates. Sunflowers can also be grown in the drier tropical regions but are unsuitable for humid environments. They can grow in a wide range of soils from sandy to clayey provided they are deep, free-draining and not acidic. Description Overview: Helianthus annuus is an annual herb which grows up to 5 metres tall with a well-developed taproot extending up to 3 metres into the soil. The stem is erect with a slight-to-severe curve below the flower head in mature plants. In many wild types it is branched whereas in cultivated varieties the stem is unbranched. Leaves: The leaves are positioned opposite each other in the lower part of the plant and higher up the stem they are arranged spirally. Each leaf is hairy, 10–30 × 5–20 cm with toothed margins, and is supported by a long petiole. Flowers: The inflorescence is a terminal head (capitulum), 10-50 cm in diameter and is surrounded by three rows of bracts (phyllaries). The flower head is comprised of outer yellow ray florets, which serve to attract pollinators, and inner brownish disc florets which are fertile. The inner florets are numerous and are arranged in spiral whorls from the centre of the head. Each floret is about 2 cm long and consists of a 5-lobed, brown or purplish corolla tube and two deciduous bristly scales (pappus), 5 stamens united into a tube and an ovary which is positioned below the flower tube and stamens. The stigma has two curved lobes and there are nectaries at the base of the style. Fruit: The fruit (known botanically as an achene) is up to 15-25 mm in size and can be white, brown, black or striped. Uses Sunflower is mainly cultivated for its tasty seeds and versatile oil and to a lesser extent for ornamental purposes. The seeds yield edible oil, which is excellent quality due to a high proportion of unsaturated fatty acids, near absence of toxic substances, light colour and good flavour. The oil is used for salads, cooking and as an ingredient in the manufacture of margarine. The oil also has some industrial uses as drying oils for paints and varnishes and in the manufacture of soaps and cosmetics as well as a biofuel. Wild sunflower growing by the roadside (Photo: Matt Lavin) The by-product of sunflower oil extraction is a high protein meal, which is commonly blended with soyabean meal and used as livestock feed. Sunflower meal is sometimes used as a substitute for wheat flour in the baking of bread and cakes for human consumption. The indigenous people of North America have a long tradition of using ground sunflower seeds to make bread-like products. The varieties cultivated for their seeds are much larger than the oil-cultivars and are often black and white striped, are can be eaten directly. In countries like Russia, the sunflower seeds are salted and roasted whole and enjoyed as a delicious savoury snack. The smaller seeds are widely used in birdseed and in pet food. Some people air-dry the fruiting capitula and hang them upside down or simply leave the fruiting capitula on the plants for bird feed. Sunflower is sometimes cultivated as a forage crop. Crop wild relatives of sunflower The Millennium Seed Bank and the Global Crop Diversity Trust are engaged in a ten-year project, called 'Adapting Agriculture to Climate Change'. The project aims to protect, collect and prepare the wild relatives of 29 key food crops, including sunflower, so that they are available to pre-breeders for the development of new varieties that are more resilient to the effects of climate change. Millennium Seed Bank: Seed storage The Millennium Seed Bank Partnership aims to save plants worldwide, focusing on those plants which are under threat and those which are of most use in the future. Once seeds have been collected they are dried, packaged and stored at -20°C in our seed bank vault. Description of seeds: Average 1,000 seed weight = 42 g Number of seed collections stored in the Millennium Seed Bank: One Seed storage behaviour: Orthodox. (The seeds of this plant can be dried to low moisture contents without significantly reducing their viability. This means they are suitable for long-term frozen storage such as at the MSB) Germination testing: Successful Helianthus annuus is one of the species included in the ‘Difficult Seeds' project because many of its seeds are short-lived and may not survive a long time in storage. This species at Kew Pressed and dried specimens of sunflower are held in Kew's Herbarium, where they are available to researchers by appointment. Details and images of some of these specimens can be seen online in Kew's Herbarium Catalogue. References and credits Beentje, H. (2010). The Kew Plant Glossary: an Illustrated Dictionary of Plant Terms. Royal Botanic Gardens, Kew. Mabberley, D.J. (2008). Mabberley’s Plant-book: a Portable Dictionary of Plants, their Classification and Uses. Third edition. Cambridge University Press, Cambridge. Polikarpov, G.G. (1978). Sunflower’s blooming floscule is a compass. Nature 272: 122 Royal Botanic Gardens, Kew (2008). Seed Information Database (SID). Version 7.1. Available online (accessed 28 August 2013) Kew science editor: Nicholas Hind Kew contributor: Sarah Cody Although every effort has been taken to ensure that the information contained in these pages is reliable and complete, notes on hazards, edibility and suchlike included here are recorded information and do not constitute recommendations. No responsibility will be taken for readers’ own actions.	Helianthus
Plantar Fasciitis is a medical condition affecting which part of the body?	Sunflower Sunflower Common names Sunflower Sunflower (botanical name, Helianthus annuus) is a tall, remarkable, annually growing plant which grows up to a height of 3 feet to 10 feet (1 m to 3 m). The sunflower plant has a fleshy, coarse and hairy stem, while the leaves are broad and roughly-textured. In addition, the leaves of this plant have unevenly indented borders with noticeable veins. The plant bears familiar vividly yellow hued flowers that have brownish centers akin to a honeycomb, which are made up of tubular flowers. When these flowers mature, they yield recognizable seeds that have a pale grayish color. Helianthus, the botanical name of sunflower, is derived from the Latin terms ï¿½anthos' meaning flower and ï¿½helios' denoting the Sun. In fact, the species' botanical name refers to the round yellowish heads that bear a resemblance to the sun's sphere encircled by rays. The flower heads are also believed to rotate with the intention that they turn towards the sun all the time. Therefore, it is little surprising that sunflower is known as ï¿½girasol' and ï¿½tournesol' in Spanish and French respectively. This flower is said to have its origin in Peru, where the ancient Incas tribe worshipped the sun and considered the sunflower to be the insignia of their Sun god. In fact, the Inca priestesses wore headdresses made of sunflower and these flowers were decorated in gold adorning the sun temple of the Incas. The seeds of the sunflower yield light yellow oil which contains high concentration of unsaturated fats. The oil produced from sunflower seeds has a mild flavour compared to olive oil and it is believed to be healthy for the arteries in comparison to butter owing to the oil's low content of saturated fat. In recent times, margarine prepared from sunflower oil has become a well accepted substitute to butter. People in Spain roast the seeds of sunflower in their shells and enjoy them as a snack. Sunflower seeds have rich content of vitamins B1 , B3 and B6 and can also be prepared into a wholesome spread, which is available from your neighbourhood health food stores. It is important to note that all parts of the sunflower plant are valuable. While the leaves of the plant form excellent fodder for cattle, in earlier times, the fibrous stems of the plant were used in manufacturing paper. Even the tender flower buds may be boiled in water and consumed like artichokes . Parts used Seeds, leaves, flower buds. Uses Different parts of the sunflower plant possess a number of therapeutic properties and, hence, they are very useful medicinally. For instance, the sunflower seeds possess diuretic and expectorant properties and, not long back, were deemed to be very useful for treating respiratory problems like coughs , colds and bronchitis . Then again, the leaves and flowers of this plant were regarded as effective remedies for protection from malaria . In effect, the leaves and flowers have a feeble insecticidal attributes. In traditional Russian medicine, a poultice prepared with fresh sunflower leaves was used to treat fevers . An herbal tea prepared with sunflower flowers possesses astringent, diuretic and expectorant properties and, hence, it is given to people enduring high fevers. Crushed sunflower leaves are used to made poultices and applied externally on swellings, sores, snakebites and spider bites. The leaves of the sunflower plant are collected when the plant is in bloom and are dehydrated and stored for later use. An herbal tea prepared with the flowers is employed to treat malaria and lung diseases . In addition, the seeds and flowering heads of the plant are febrifuge (any medicine that reduces fever), stomachic (a medicine that is good for the digestive tract) and nourishing. The sunflower seeds are also deemed to be an effective diuretic and expectorant and have been successfully used in treating pulmonary ailments. A decoction prepared with the sunflower roots can be used as a warm wash to get relief from rheumatic aches and pains . The oil extracted from the sunflower seeds is among the several emollients (soothers) derived from plants that imitate the skin's lipid or fat content. The sunflower oil is gently textured and it facilitates in stabilizing as well as sustaining the arrangement of skin's inner multifaceted inter-cellular matrix and helps in avoiding moisture loss and damage to the cells . In addition, topical application of sunflower oil on the skin makes it supple and soft, while giving the skin a healthy and glowing appearance. The seeds of the sunflower plant may be consumed raw or after cooking them. They have an appetizing flavour akin to nuts, but are extremely tricky to extract owing to their petite size. When sunflower is cultivated commercially, specific machines perform the job of extracting the seeds. The sunflower seeds, which have a rich fat content, may be pulverized into a powder, used to make seed yoghurt and even made into sunflower butter. The seed powder makes a delicious and nourishing food (bread) when mixed with cereal flours. In Russia, scientists have developed a number of sunflower cultivars that yield up to 50 per cent oil, which encloses around 44 per cent to 72 per cent linoleic acid . It may be noted that the germinated sunflower seed is considered to be the best for preparing seed yoghurt. To prepare the seed yoghurt, the germinated seeds are mixed with water and allowed to ferment. In addition, the sprouted sunflower seed can also be consumed raw. Scientists have prepared a nutritional analysis of the sprouted sunflower seed and it is said to be very nourishing. One can also steam the young sunflower buds and eat them like round artichokes. The sunflower seed also yields high grade edible semi-drying oil, which has low cholesterol content. This particular oil is believed to have the same excellence as the olive oil. The semi-drying oil extracted from sunflower seeds is used in cooking , salads and even margarines. When the seed is roasted, it forms a substitute for coffee and drinking chocolate . According to one report, the roasted hulls of the sunflower seeds are also used. Some people even boil the leaf petioles of sunflower and blend them with other edibles. As mentioned earlier, semi-drying edible oil is extracted from sunflower seed. Apart from consumption, this particular form of sunflower oil is frequently blended with any drying oil, for instance, linseed (botanical name, Linum usitatissimum) to manufacture candles, soap, varnishes, paints and several other products. In addition, this oil is also used for lighting. This semi-drying edible sunflower oil is also known to be a matchless lubricant. The seed receptacles are also used to manufacture a type of blotting paper. The inner stalk of the sunflower plant is used to manufacture superior grade writing paper. The pith of the sunflower stem is among the lightest substances known and has a specific gravity of 0.028. Owing to its ultra lightness, the pith of the sunflower stem is used in various ways - it is presently being used to manufacture life-saving applications as well as slides for microscope. At the same time, the dried stem of the sunflower plant forms an excellent fuel - the ash collected contains high amounts of potassium . In fact, the dehydrated stems as well as the empty seed receptacles form excellent fuels. The fiber obtained from the stem of the sunflower is used to manufacture superior quality paper as well as a fine grade cloth. The flowers yield a yellow dye, while the seeds of specific varieties of the crop cultivated by the Hopi Indians of S. W. North America yield a purple-black dye. In addition, when sown in spring, sunflower plants may also be used as a green manure, as they yield an excellent mass of material. However, while growing sunflower, you ought to know that the secretions from the roots of this plant have the potential to slow down the growth of other plants grown in the vicinity. Habitat and cultivation The sunflower is indigenous to Central America and it is believed to have originated in Peru. Later, this plant was introduced to various other regions across the globe, including North America, Eastern Europe, the Mediterranean and the erstwhile USSR. While it is cultivated as a decorative garden plant across the globe, sunflower is commercially cultivated extensively in countries like the United States, Italy, Argentina, Rumania and Hungary. The sunflower is propagated by its seeds, which are sowed during the middle of spring in situ (in the permanent place of the plants). The sunflower may also be sown earlier by sowing two to three seeds in each pot in a green house during the earlier part of spring. When growing sunflower, always use moderately rich compost. Once the seeds germinate, provide the seedling with a liquid feed from time to time to ensure that they do not suffer from nutrient deficiency. When the young plants have grown sufficiently large to be handled, plant them outdoors in the latter part of spring or in early summer. The seeds of the sunflower plant are always harvested in weather conditions where there is 12 per cent moisture and stored for later use. When harvested in such conditions, the seeds will retain their strength for many years. It is important to accustom the young plants to outdoors conditions prior to transplanting them outdoors in deep, refined soil . The plants should be positioned at least 60 cm (2 feet) apart and initially supported with tall sticks. A sunny site that is well sheltered from strong winds is the ideal place to plant the young sunflower plants. Since the plants are tall and their flowers usually appear at great heights, there is little or no scope of the crop being affected by soil-borne fungus or any bug problem. In effect, this means that even people cultivating the plant in non-organic methods would be less inclined to use poisonous pesticides / herbicides while cultivating sunflower. Constituents The sunflower seeds produce a gently consistent textured, oleic acid rich soothing oil and contains great quantities of vitamins A , D and E , unsaturated fatty acids and lecithin that make it ideal for eye care as well as delicate skin care. In addition, the seeds of sunflower also enclose helianol. Helianol is known to have a powerful anti-inflammatory outcome on the skin.	i don't know
Who was the first the first U.S. president to be born a United States citizen?	Martin Van Buren - U.S. Presidents - HISTORY.com Martin Van Buren A+E Networks Introduction Unlike the seven men who preceded him in the White House, Martin Van Buren (1782-1862) was the first president to be born a citizen of the United States and not a British subject. He rose quickly in New York politics, winning a U.S. Senate seat in 1821 and presiding over a sophisticated state political organization. Van Buren helped form the new Democratic Party from a coalition of Jeffersonian Republicans who backed the military hero and president Andrew Jackson. A favorite of Jackson’s, Van Buren won the White House himself in 1836 but was plagued by a financial panic that gripped the nation the following year. After losing his bid for reelection in 1840, Van Buren ran again unsuccessfully in 1844 (when he lost the Democratic nomination to the pro-southern candidate James K. Polk) and 1848 (as a member of the antislavery Free Soil Party). Google Martin Van Buren’s Early Life Martin Van Buren was born on December 5, 1782, six years after the colonists declared their independence from Britain. His parents were both of Dutch descent, and his father was a tavern keeper and farmer in Kinderhook, New York . Young Martin apprenticed to a local lawyer in 1796 and opened his own practice in 1803. Four years later, he married his cousin and childhood sweetheart Hannah Hoes; the couple had four sons. Hannah died in 1819 of tuberculosis, and Van Buren would never remarry. Did You Know? Martin Van Buren stood about 5 feet 6 inches tall. His nickname was "the Little Magician," though his enemies also referred to him as "the Fox" for his sly political maneuvers. Van Buren subscribed to the political theories of Thomas Jefferson , who had favored states’ rights over a strong federal government. From 1812 to 1820, Van Buren served two terms in the New York State Senate and also held the position of state attorney general. He was elected to the U.S. Senate in 1821, and soon created an efficient state political organization known as the Albany Regency. After John Quincy Adams won a contentious election in 1824, Van Buren led the opposition to his administration in the Senate and helped form a coalition of Jeffersonian Republicans that backed Andrew Jackson in the 1828 election. This coalition soon emerged as a new political entity, the Democratic Party. Martin Van Buren and Andrew Jackson Martin Van Buren left the Senate in 1828 and ran successfully for governor of New York, but he gave up that post after Jackson defeated Adams and made Van Buren his secretary of state. Though he resigned as part of a cabinet reorganization in 1831, Van Buren became minister to Britain (with Jackson’s support) and in 1832 earned the Democrats’ first nomination as vice president. He ran with Jackson on a platform that strongly opposed the recharter of the Bank of the United States , which Jackson vetoed in July 1832. The Jackson-Van Buren ticket won easily over Henry Clay of the opposition Whig Party , and Jackson would handpick Van Buren as his successor in the White House four years later. In the 1836 election, Van Buren defeated William Henry Harrison , whom the Whigs had chosen over their longtime leader Clay, proving the popularity of Jackson’s Democrats. Soon after Van Buren took office in 1837, however, the nation was gripped by a financial panic, caused partially by the transfer of federal funds from the now-defunct Bank of the United States to state banks. The failure of hundreds of banks and businesses and the burst bubble of wild land speculation in the West dragged the country into the worst depression of its history, and Van Buren’s continuation of Jackson’s deflationary money policies did little to improve the situation. Loss of the White House To confront the country’s economic woes, Martin Van Buren proposed the establishment of an independent treasury to handle the federal funds that had been moved to state banks and cut off all federal government expenditures in order to ensure the government would remain solvent. The measures passed Congress, though the bitter debate over them drove many more conservative Democrats into the Whig Party. In addition to the Panic of 1837, Van Buren was also hurt by a long, costly war fought during his administration with the Seminole Indians of Florida . He lost his reelection bid to Harrison in 1840 and left the White House after serving only one term. In 1844, Van Buren tried and failed to gain the Democratic presidential nomination. His refusal to endorse the annexation of Texas led southern delegations to favor James K. Polk , who campaigned for the annexation of both Texas and Oregon . Antislavery Democrats known as “Barnburners” (after a legendary Dutch farmer who burned his barn to get rid of rats) rallied behind Van Buren, joining the movement that led to the formation of the Free Soil Party. In 1848, Van Buren ran as the Free Soil candidate for president; Charles Francis Adams (son of the longtime abolitionist John Quincy Adams, who had died earlier that year) was the vice-presidential nominee. From Free Soil to Retirement While the Free Soilers made the divisive issue of slavery and its extension into the territories the central issue of the 1848 election, the two major parties (Democrats and Whigs) tried their best to address it without alienating voters. In the end, Martin Van Buren failed to win a single state and received only 10 percent of the vote, though he carried enough Democratic votes in New York to hand the state to the eventual victor, Zachary Taylor . After 1848, Van Buren retreated into a long retirement at his Kinderhook estate, Lindenwald, watching as the slavery issue proceeded to tear the country apart during the 1850s. By 1852, he had returned to the Democratic Party, but continued to argue against its pro-southern faction and to support more moderate Democrats such as Stephen Douglas. After completing his own autobiography, which provided valuable insight into the political history of the era, Van Buren died in July 1862, barely a year after the Civil War broke out. Access hundreds of hours of historical video, commercial free, with HISTORY Vault . Start your free trial today. Tags	Martin Van Buren
What name is given to the sound hole on a violin?	Who was the first president born a U.S. citizen? \| Reference.com Who was the first president born a U.S. citizen? A: Quick Answer Martin Van Buren was the first president who was a U.S citizen at birth. He was the eighth president of the United States; he followed Andrew Jackson. He served as president from 1837 to 1841. Full Answer Before he was president, Van Buren was vice president for President Jackson. He only served one term as president, and his vice president was Richard M. Johnson. Van Buren was defeated by William Henry Harrison in 1841. Harrison died after only a month in office, as he caught pneumonia after giving an extra-long inauguration speech on a day that was too cold. He was succeeded by John Tyler, who also only served one term.	i don't know
Which Scottish city is nicknamed ‘The Granite City’?	Scottish fact of the week: The Granite City - The Scotsman Scottish fact of the week: The Granite City Marsichall College in Aberdeen, the second-largest granite building in the world. Picture: Wikimedia/CC 19:52 Thursday 14 August 2014 Have your say THERE are more than 30 Aberdeens scattered across the world, but there’s only one Granite City (in Scotland, anyway) You may be familiar with Aberdeen’s most famous nickname, the Granite City. Many of the city’s most well-known buildings and residential properties were hewn from rock retrieved from large quarries dotted around the North-east, the most famous of which was Rubislaw Quarry in Aberdeen’s west end. By the end of the 19th century, with the advances in technology that facilitated the transport and carving of the rock, Aberdeen became the granite capital of the world. Its seaside location ensured that granite, a historically difficult commercial material, could be easily exported. More than 50 per cent of Aberdeen’s buildings are estimated to have come from the Rubislaw Quarry alone, and at the industry’s peak there was so much rock produced that other British cities benefitted from it as well, including Portsmouth and Southampton, whose docks are partially made of granite, and London, where granite contributed to the construction of Waterloo Bridge and part of the Houses of Parliament. Granite from Rubislaw was sent to aid construction for major developments in Swindon and Leeds too. Among Aberdeen’s most famous granite-built structures are the Music Hall on Union Street, built by Archibald Simpson and James Matthews; Provost Skene’s House, some of which was built using granite before the igneous rock’s industralisation; and the Art Gallery and Memorial on Schoolhill, designed by A. Marshall Mackenzie over several decades, and completed by the mid-1920s. Marischall College on Broad Street is the city’s most dramatic and impressive building. Somewhat unsurpisingly, it’s the second biggest granite building in the world after El Escorial, the historic residence of the King of Spain. It is a combination of different materials (stone and granite) and designs: a Gothic revivalist proof proposed by architect A. Marshall Mackenzie was melded with an earlier, more austere design by Archibald Simpson. The granite industry declined steadily after the mid-20th century as building materials such as glass, steel concrete became available. The US also limited imports of stone, which further contributed to the industry’s rapid shrinking. Rubislaw Quarry’s closure in 1971 was, in many ways, the death knell for granite in the North-east. The quarry now lies neglected and filled with water - an man-made lake that is 142 metres deep. Despite the demise of the granite industry, visitors to Aberdeen are left in no doubt as to its impact. Residential areas, municipal buildings, statues and monuments all across the city are made with the sturdy, imposing rock, making Aberdeen one of the most architecturally distinctive cities in Europe. * There are several mid-sized towns in the US either called or referred to as the Granite City. These are Granite City in Illinois, and St Cloud in Minnesota. There is also a Granite City in British Columbia, Canada. SEE ALSO	Aberdeen
In the Harry Potter series of books and films, what is the name of Hagrid’s dog?	Aberdeen named Scotland's kindest city ... find out 10 more facts about the Granite City - Scotland Now Scotland Now Receive updates from Scotland by email Aberdeen named Scotland's kindest city ... find out 10 more facts about the Granite City 00:01, 3 Apr 2016 THE Granite City was the highest ranked Scottish location in a new study measuring the good deeds by residents. Here, we take a look at more fun facts about Aberdeen. Share Get weekly news by email Mark A Leman Marischal College and Aberdeen City skyline ABERDEEN is the kindest city in Scotland, a new study has revealed. The Granite City was the highest ranked Scottish location in a Co-op Food study, which measured the average number of good deeds carried out by residents. The northern location was also named the third kindest city in the UK, behind Bristol and Belfast. Good deeds included aiding someone in need and giving up seats on public transport in the poll of 4,000 adults in 19 cities across the UK. The only other Scottish cities to be included on the list were Edinburgh , who ranked 14th in the list, with Glasgow claiming 18th. In 2012, Mercer named Aberdeen the 56th most liveable city in the World, as well as the fourth most liveable city in Britain. However, the city has been given a bit of a negative reputation in more recent times. Last year, the Aberdeen was named the most dismal town in Scotland after picking up the 2015 Plook on a Plinth award. Organisers said the city had fallen victim to “a litany of embarrassing missteps from the Union Terrace Gardens fiasco to the failed bid for 2017 City of Culture to today’s fracas over Marischal Square”. Here, we look at more reasons for Aberdeen to be proud of its history, culture and kindness with a series of facts about the great Granite City. Aberdeens all around the world There are 30 places around the world called Aberdeen. Here is the welcome sign to Aberdeen, Washington along with the title of the famous Nirvana song 'Come As You Are' There are 30 places around the world called Aberdeen. Here is the welcome sign to Aberdeen, Washington along with the title of the famous Nirvana song 'Come As You Are'. There's a street celebrating the Union Union Street was named to commemorate the Union of Britain and Ireland The city's iconic Union Street was named to commemorate the Union of Britain and Ireland. From Aberdeen to Fife Forth Rail Bridge Around 640,000 cubic feet of Aberdeen granite was used in the building of the Forth Rail Bridge in South Queensferry - which is now a UNESCO World Heritage Site. A letter from ... Aberdeen The safe seal envelope was developed in Aberdeen. The city was the centre of envelope production in the UK in the 19th century The safe seal envelope was developed in Aberdeen. The city was the centre of envelope production in the UK in the 19th century. Take a breather The first iron lung was designed in Aberdeen in 1933 by Robert Henderson The first iron lung medical ventilator was designed in Aberdeen in 1933 by Robert Henderson. A great place to live and work View over Aberdeen harbour and city skyline at dawn Aberdeen was ranked as the second top city in the UK to live and work according to the 2014 Good Growth for Cities index. You're benched! SNS Group European football's first dug-out - more commonly known as the "technical area" these days - was installed at Aberdeen FC's Pittodrie stadium around 1931. Coach Donald Colman wanted somewhere to shelter while observing the game and taking notes. Prior to this coaches and managers had to sit in the stands with the fans European football's first dug-out - more commonly known as the "technical area" these days - was installed at Aberdeen FC's Pittodrie stadium around 1931. Coach Donald Colman wanted somewhere to shelter while observing the game and taking notes. Prior to this coaches and managers had to sit in the stands with the fans. Speaking of Pittodrie... Aberdeen FC's Pittodrie Stadium was also the first all seater stadium in Scotland. Out of this world Wikipedia In 1882 Aberdonian Astronomer Sir David Gill took the first successful photograph of a comet. The Moon's Gill Crater is also named after him In 1882 Aberdonian Astronomer Sir David Gill took the first successful photograph of a comet. The Moon's Gill Crater is also named after him. Freedom of the City Former Prime Minister, Sir Winston Churchill, was granted Freedom of the City of Aberdeen in 1946 Former Prime Minister, Sir Winston Churchill, was granted Freedom of the City of Aberdeen in 1946. Then click on the gallery below to see historic and more recent pictures of Aberdeen which show that the city really is beautiful.	i don't know
Kernow is the name for which area of the U.K., when spoken in the local language?	Cornish Language, Place names in Cornwall and Cornish dialect words and phrases including learning resources, books and Cds Cornwall > Cornish Language and Place Names Cornish Language and Place Names in Cornwall "By Tre, Pol and Pen you will know the Cornishmen" Cornwall's place names are very different from those in other places around the UK, though if you have visited Wales you will notice certain similarities with place names there. Cornwall is a Celtic land and its language is one of the Brythonic group of languages to which Welsh and Breton also belong. The language is also more distantly related to Scots Gaelic, Irish Gaelic and Manx. Up until the mid sixteenth century Cornish was the main language spoken across Cornwall, but pressure from English caused Cornish to decline and retreat to the far west of the Duchy. While the Cornish language is believed in some traditions to have originally stopped being spoken in the late 1700s, when Dolly Pentreath of Mousehole died, there are other suggestions made by William Bodinar in the same time period that there were still a number of Cornish speakers in Mousehole after the death of Dolly Pentreath including himself. By the beginning of the nineteenth century Cornish had all but died out as a community language, but in 1904 Henry Jenner (1848 - 1934), a Celtic scholar and cultural activist, published a Handbook of the Cornish Language which kick started the revival of Cornish as a living, spoken language. The Cornish Language has undergone a number of revivals since that time. Henry Jenner is buried at St Uny Church, Lelant, near St Ives. Another important figure in the Cornish Language movement was Robert Morton Nance (1873-1959), a student of Jenner. He wrote many books and leaflets in Cornish including a Cornish - English Dictionary. Robert Morton Nance or Mordon, using his Bardic name, was a co-founder of the Gorseth Kernow. These two important cultural figures jointly founded the first Old Cornwall Society at St Ives. Since then the number of people learning and using the language has escalated, with Cornish receiving official recognition as a minority language in 2002 under the Council of Europe’s Charter for Regional or Minority Languages. Today Cornish is one of the fastest growing languages in the world, and this is set to accelerate with more schools than ever choosing to teach Cornish. In 2010 a bilingual pre-school opened in Pool, and there are many other pre-schools and playgroups, as well as an increasing number of primary and secondary schools, that now offer children the opportunity to learn Cornish. An example of written Cornish language English Translation of above Cornish example Businesses are also embracing the use of Cornish. Local enterprises such as Polgoon Vineyard have made a point of choosing Cornish branding as a mark of local origin and several of their products are named in Cornish. Meanwhile national companies such as JD Wetherspoon have a policy of putting up bilingual signage in their Cornish pubs, as well as giving them names in Cornish such as the “Try Dowr” (Three Rivers) in Truro and “Chapel an Gansblydhen” (Centenary Chapel) in Bodmin. In 2009 Cornwall Council adopted a policy on the use of Cornish which encourages all departments of the Council to consider the use of Cornish. The most visible outcome of this policy is the bilingual street signage which is now appearing across Cornwall, and which costs the Council not a penny more than it would have done previously as the bilingual signs are only put up where new or replacement signs are needed. Cornish is all around us in the community too, with Scouts and Guides learning their motto and promise in Cornish, gig rowers naming their gigs in Cornish and films being made in Cornish to be shown at Cornwall Film Festival. For further information about Cornish culture, including Gorsedh Kernow and the Federation of Old Cornwall Societies, see our Culture and Tradition page. By understanding just a few of the most often used Cornish words you can get a better idea of where you are and enjoy exploring Cornwall even more. Tre as in Trebetherick, Trelissick, Tregony and many more Cornish place names means a homestead and its nearby buildings, literally a town. Pol in Polbathic, Poldhu, Polzeath, Polruan, Polkerris, Polperro means a pool Pen in Pendennis, Penryn, Penrose, Pentire, Penberth, Penzance means an end of something, a headland or head. Wheal in Wheal Jane, Wheal Kitty, East Wheal Rose means a mine. Bal in Baldhu is another word meaning a mine working. Porth (Port) in Perranporth, Porthtowan, Porthleven, Porth (near Newquay), Portreath means a bay, port or harbour. Towan in Porthtowan meaning sand dunes. Perran as in Perranporth, Perranarworthal, Perranzabuloe, Perranuthnoe - named after St Piran/St Perran, the Patron Saint of Tinners. He is generally regarded as the national saint of Cornwall. Hayle as in the town of Hayle means an estuary. Cos in Cosgarne, Coswarth means a forest, a wood or group of trees. Venton/Fenton in Ventongimps, Ventongollan, Ventonleague meaning a spring or fountain. Lan in Lanhydrock, Lanteglos, Landewednack meaning a sacred enclosure such as a church, monastery etc. Bos/Bod in Bodmin, Bosigran, Boscawen meaning home or dwelling. Ros in Roseland, Roskear meaning a moor, heath, or common. Place Name of the Month January: 'Tre at Last!' After long tiresome car journeys up the line I know I’m home when I whizz over the Tamar and catch a glimpse of the Kernow sign. There’s only a split second to quibble over the Duchy charters that say Kernow begins on the eastern bank. But I know I’m definitely home when I see that sign just out of Lannstefan – Launceston with the two Tre- names then I really know I’m tre. Yes Kernewek for home is tre – but back a millennium or so tre meant ‘farmstead’. There are about 2000 tre names in Kernow and they start as far north as Porthledan - Widemouth Bay with Trelay (tre + legh ‘slab’) and stretch down to Lysardh – Lizard with Trethvas (tre + deves ‘sheep’), definitely the plural if you look up the old forms. Up east there’s a Trevol near Penntor – Torpoint (tre + bolgh ‘gap’) and down west a Trevescan Cliff at Penn an Wlas - Lands End (tre + byskon ‘thimble’). Perhaps the rocks looked like a thimble. So locals know when they are home, holiday makers know they are getting a proper holiday and Cornish speakers can say tre wor’tiwedh (home at last) when we see our first Tre- name. Pol Hodge	Cornwall
Which Australian psychedelic rock group won the Best International Group award and the 2016 Brit awards?	The Case For Cornwall « The Celtic League COUNTY, DUCHY, NATION OR COUNTRY? THE CASE FOR CORNWALL The Cornwall Branch of the Celtic League INTRODUCTION FOR many decades, Cornwall has been the poor relation in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. It vies with the west of Wales as being the poorest region of northern Europe, has the UK’s lowest average income and among the UK’s highest domestic overheads. It was once a proud independent Celtic kingdom but through historical events which lay outside both democratic and legal process, it has been counted as part of England; its people labeled as “English” and, since 1889, it has been administered as though it were a mere county of England. Cornwall is much more than that. It is home to an indigenous people with a 12,000 year history, and who are markedly genetically distinct from those of England. It has an ancient language whose history goes back 5,000 years. It has a unique and quite remarkable constitutional status within the UK, which has long been subjected to official and media concealment. It retains, intact, a legal right to govern itself (also concealed from the major part of the public eye); and it even has a different head of state. A growing body of Cornish inhabitants believes that this diminishing of Cornwall is holding its community back from advancement in the modern world. It is their opinion that the appellation of “county”, to the exclusion of other lawful and more senior titles, is detrimental to efforts to give Cornwall its rightful place in the modern world. Indeed, the Royal Commission on the Constitution (“Kilbrandon Report”) in 1973, makes mention of the dubious legality of administrative “county” status being imposed in 1889, and recommended that Cornwall be referred to as a Duchy. This recommendation has been signally ignored by the UK government and the mainstream media ever since. Legal opinion regarding Cornwall’s status appears to be in accord. G.D. Flather QC, Assistant Commissioner for the Boundaries Commisson concluded in 1988 that while Cornwall is currently in de facto joinder with England, de jure joinder has never been achieved. More recently, Dr John Kirkhope, Solicitor, Notary Public and legal researcher has concurred with Flather’s conclusion. However, the status quo continues regardless. The Cornish people are not afforded the opportunity to state their case to be recognized as a nation. This, too, is wrong in a society that prides itself upon upholding standards of democracy, fairness and freedom. We would respectfully ask your indulgence to accept this document as the Case for Cornwall in this regard. THE GENETIC EVIDENCE: The last eleven years has seen a major genetic study of the peoples of Britain, carried out by Oxford University under the wing of the Wellcome Trust and headed by Sir Walter Bodmer. Its findings were published in “Nature” in March 2015. These results have played a major part in answering several historical questions, and revealed some facts that the genetic researchers have described as “striking” and “astonishing”. In fact, the results indicate that the people of Britain have not had a tendency to move from their post-Roman and earlier tribal areas anywhere on the island since the 7th century. The Cornish and the Welsh are revealed as having the longest history of any of the peoples of modern Britain, entering an empty island after the Ice Age from a refuge area in the Iberian peninsula, largely coinciding with that occupied by the Basques. 80% of Cornish people retain the genetic markers of those early Mesolithic colonists 12,000 years ago. The Cornish people were found to form a genetic group markedly distinct from that of their Devonian neighbours and different again from that of southern and central England, whose origins from northern Europe (and ultimately from the region of the Ukraine) also differed. The geographical demarcation line between the Cornish and Devonian groups was equally striking: the river Tamar, Cornwall’s political border for over a thousand years. THE CORNISH LANGUAGE: Cornwall’s Celtic language has a history that is at least 5,000 years old. According to archaeologist Professor Sir Barry Cunliffe and archeo-linguist Dr John Koch, Celtic originally developed from Indo-European in southwestern Iberia, around the Tagus estuary, c.4,000 BC. It then became the lingua franca of the Atlantic sea-trading routes, becoming adopted by Ireland and Western Britain by 3,000 BC; and the remainder of Britain by 2,000 BC. In the early Bronze Age, the language split into two distinct dialects: Goidelic (Gaelic or Q-Celtic) and Brythonic (British or P-Celtic). These, in turn, diversified into distinct regional languages during the post-Roman centuries, British or P-Celtic becoming Cumbric, Welsh, Cornish and Breton. Six nations currently retain speakers of their own Celtic languages. These are: Ireland, Scotland, the Isle of Man, Wales, Cornwall and Brittany. That Cornish died out in the late 18th century is an oft-repeated myth, with native speakers being reliably attested as alive as late as 1914, well after a concerted and successful effort to revive the language was under way. Presently, around 560 people in Cornwall count Cornish as their first language, with between 3,000 and 4,000 people using the language on a regular basis, but as a second language. Cornwall’s Unitary Council has a Cornish Language policy that is currently seeing thousands of street signs and settlement nameplates being presented in bilingual form. Since 2002, Cornish is a protected language under the European Charter for Regional or Minority Languages. Despite this, and the facts at hand, UNESCO, advised by London, declared Cornish as extinct in 2009. Protests and evidence from Cornwall itself achieved a change of heart and, in 2010 UNESCO listed Cornish as alive but critically endangered. In Cornish, the opening verses of the Book of Genesis appear as follows: “Y’n dallathvos Duw a wrug an nev ha’n nor. Hag yth esa an nor neb composter ha gwag, hag yth esa tewlder war vejeth an downder, ha spyrys Duw a wre gwaya war vejeth an dowrow. Ha Duw a leverys: ‘Bedhens golow,’ hag y feu golow. Ha Duw a welas an golow, fatell o va da, ha Duw a dhybarthas an golow orth an tewlder. Ha Duw a elwys an golow dedh ha’n tewlder ev a elwys nos, hag y feu gordhuwher ha myttyn, an kensa jorna.” CORNWALL’S TRUE NAME: The true name of any country is that which is used in the traditional language of that country. ‘Cornwall’ is a hybrid name coined by pre-Norman English scribes, and adopted by the subsequent Norman administration. The Cornish, and therefore true, name for Cornwall is Kernow. This is of great antiquity and is first found in a Roman record of c.400 AD, within a place-name Durocornouio, “fortress of the Cornovii or Cornish” (identified as Tintagel). It appears in pre-Norman centuries variously as Corneu and Cerniu, until reaching its modern form, Kernow, in the 13th century. The name is believed to translate into English as “(land of) promontory-dwellers.” West Saxon records, primarily the Anglo-Saxon Chronicles, show that the early English referred to the Cornish as Westwalas (and to the Welsh as Northwalas), using the Saxon word walas, which they applied to Celtic speaking British natives. In 891 AD (the same year in which the name England is first recorded as Englaland), the native and Saxon names became hybridised as Cornwalas, hence Cornwall. PREHISTORY AND THE ROMAN EMPIRE: That as many as 80% of Cornish people today retain the genetic code of the first post-glacial is testament to a remarkable history of continuity, with none of the pre-Roman “invasions” which were once postulated. There appears to have been an influx of people, again from the Biscay coasts, towards the end of the Neolithic period 4,000 years ago, bringing knowledge of mineral extraction and processing, and the fashioning of metals into implements and weaponry. West Cornwall in particular is rich in tin and copper. An amalgam of the two produces bronze, thereby heralding the succeeding Bronze Age. The provenance of these late settlers is not confirmed but the abundance of maritime Bell Beakers, a style originating in western Iberia, strongly suggests that they were from Galicia, at the northwestern tip of the Iberian peninsula and which is also rich in tin. Cornwall is also rich in iron, particularly in its mid part, and this undoubtedly played a major role in the formation of the Iron Age, around 800 BC. That tin remained a major commodity for export was confirmed by the writings of Pytheas, a Greek geographer and explorer from the then Greek colony of Massalia (Marseilles); the first known Mediterranean visitor to Britain whose visit occurred c. 325 BC. Through him, West Cornwall was the first place in Britain ever to have been written about. Describing the Iron Age native Cornish of the Land’s End peninsula as “civilised” and “especially hospitable to strangers” through their frequent contact with maritime Atlantic traders, Pytheas described how tin was mined and smelted, then formed into ingots which were taken on wheeled wagons to a nearby island which was joined to the mainland at low water; a perfect description of St Michael’s Mount which archaeology has now confirmed was indeed a maritime trading port during the Iron Age and Roman period. For the most part, the 400 year Roman occupation of Britain left the people of the Cornish peninsula to their own devices, constructing just three small forts near navigable rivers (and also near important mineral deposits), and undoubtedly acting as trading centres. A handful of way markers (“milestones”) were also set up beside two native routeways: one in north Cornwall, the other towards the west and aiming in the direction of St Michael’s Mount. Administration was carried out from distance at Isca Dumnoniorum (Exeter). THE KINGDOM OF DUMNONIA AND CORNWALL: Cornwall’s status as a kingdom dates back into prehistory, but there is no written record of it until the post-Roman centuries. It was originally a named part of an overall Kingdom of Dumnonia, which stretched from the Somerset Levels to Lands End. The names of several successive historical kings are listed in genealogies between c.400 AD to c.700 AD. Thereafter, the record is frustratingly fragmented, but Gerent II (d.c.710); Donyarth (d. 875) and Huwal (fl. c.926) are known of from that period. Dumnonia ceased to exist as a named entity c.815 AD when concerted westward expansion of the Saxon kingdom of Wessex, under its king Ecgberht, seized most of Devon. What remained was the kingdom of Cornwall/Kernow (believed to have been most of present-day Cornwall, south and west of the Ottery and Tamar Rivers, plus Dartmoor and the South Hams of Devon), which remained so until Athelstan in 926 AD, when he removed the Cornish from Exeter, seized Dartmoor and the South Hams (in which Cornish remained spoken in places during the reign of Edward I), and fixed the River Tamar as the border between the western Celtic kingdom and his own English one. In doing so, Cornwall regained the corner north of the River Ottery in which the majority of place-names are English (in the remainder of Cornwall, the vast majority of place-names remain in Cornish). Cornwall remained an independent Celtic kingdom until the Norman Conquest, although West Saxon kings gained an increasing amount of influence and land ownership in Cornwall through the Roman church controlled by Canterbury. It is clear that the Danish king of England, Cnut (r.1016-1035) did not regard Cornwall as part of his realm. THE EARLDOM OF CORNWALL: After 1066, the Norman conquerors recognised Cornwall’s distinct status. According to William of Worcester, Cadoc, last of the Cornish royal line, was still alive and referred to as eorl. William I assumed ownership and direct rule in most of England but, in Cornwall, he appointed an Earl of Cornwall to act, rule and manage estates on his behalf as viceroy in a similar fashion to the Viceroys appointed by Queen Victoria in India. Cadoc may have died before he could be appointed but William I’s initial appointments were deliberately chosen Celtic speakers, being Breton in the case of Earls Brient and Alan, or half-Breton in the case of William’s brother-in-law Robert of Mortain. Breton and Cornish were, at that time, almost identical languages. In doing this, William built upon an existing administrative structure, and recognized the close affinity between Cornwall and Brittany. Although some place-names of Norman-French origin are found in Cornwall (e.g. Baripper, Reawla, Catchfrench), they form a tiny minority. The Celtic majority remained, indicating that Norman-French was not forced upon the Cornish, who appear to have been treated very differently, and much more kindly, than the Saxon English were by the Norman kings. The Cornish language continued to flourish, and not reduced to peasant status as Middle English was at that time. It is an ironic fact that English was seriously endangered by the 13th century but saved from a threatened extinction by large publications such as the Polychronicon, produced in English by three Cornish-speaking scholars: John of Cornwall, John Trevisa and Richard Pencrych. Within 50 years, English replaced French as the official language of the Court, and was saved for its future success. Earls of Cornwall continued to be appointed throughout the Plantagenet era, although several later ones were rarely seen in Cornwall. Earl Richard, for example, built a strategically useless castle on the site of the post-Roman royal seat at Tintagel to deliberately use a locational association with the revered kings of the past, real and legendary (Arthur), in order to gain popular support and further his own aims of being crowned “King of the Romans”, which he achieved in Aachen in 1249, becoming the richest man the world has ever seen. (Tintagel Castle was then left to rot). It should also be mentioned that, on Magna Carta of 1215, the separate arms of England and Cornwall appear at top left and right of the document, and that (until 1549), court documents commonly contained the phrase “in Anglia et in Cornubia” (‘in England and in Cornwall’). THE DUCHY OF CORNWALL: The Earldom of Cornwall was terminated and superseded by the Duchy of Cornwall by three Royal Charters of Edward III in 1337 and 1338, for his son Edward, the “Black Prince” and all future male heirs to the throne. The Duchy has remained in place from then until the present day. The intention seems to have been twofold: to provide the heir to the throne with revenue chiefly derived from the 17 Duchy Manors; and to provide him with a training ground in the art of sovereignty. There have been several disputes regarding the rights and status of the Duchy of Cornwall. Perhaps the most significant was that between the Duchy and the Crown between 1855 and 1859 over rights to the Cornish foreshore. This was settled, in favour of the Duchy, out of court and on the strength of a painstakingly researched submission by the Duchy’s Attorney-General, Thomas Pemberton-Leigh, and material gathered by his predecessor, Sir George Harrison. This asserted, and was accepted, that the Duchy was extra-territorial to the throne of England; and that all rights, powers and prerogatives enjoyed elsewhere by the Crown were, in Cornwall, wholly vested in the Duke who, to all intents and purposes, was quasi-sovereign: Head of State and ruler of Cornwall. The Crown, therefore, holds no jurisdiction in Cornwall and, during times when there is no living Duke, the Crown holds the Duchy in trust, but is not permitted to make decisions regarding its structure or function. As A.L. Rowse commented, there may not be a Duke of Cornwall, but there is always a Duchy. The Duchy remains distinct and unique. It owns Cornwall, either through an “allodial” right to the land, or because it owns the freehold to the whole of Cornwall. Under the terms of the Duchy Charters, agents of the Crown cannot operate in Cornwall without the express written permission of the Duchy. In the last two centuries, successive Dukes of Cornwall have shown no interest in ruling as Cornwall’s Head of State but, instead, have portrayed themselves simply as owners of a “private estate”. However, as legal expert Dr John Kirkhope has noted, it is a very peculiar private estate that has rights of bona vacantia, right of wreck, ownership of the foreshore and the fundus of rivers in Cornwall, and the right to appoint its own High Sheriff. It is an extremely curious private estate that has the right (as outlined below) to convene a national legislative parliament with extraordinary powers: the Cornish Stannary Parliament through which the Duchy operated its own courts and taxation system (known as “coinage”), and also had the right to summon its own militia. In fact, a second Duchy of Cornwall has been created, and by no formal process. The first is that which was founded in 1337, and consists of the entire territory of Cornwall. The second is the “private estate”; consisting of additional estates and enterprises which have been acquired in a variety of geographical locations within and outside Cornwall by successive Dukes. The details of the Duchy of Cornwall and its powers and rights testify that Cornwall is no mere “county of England”. It has an entirely different and quite unique status. What that status is remains undetermined. In the 1850s, Thomas Pemberton-Leigh, the Duchy’s Attorney-General, held that Cornwall was much like a “County Palatine”. Dr John Kirkhope offers an alternative view: that Cornwall more closely resembles a Crown Dependency, with similarities to the Isle of Man and the Channel Islands (in particular, Sark), neither of which are part of England or the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. In the 17th century, Sir Matthew Hale said that Cornwall was like a County Palatine but was not because it lacked exclusive jurisdiction. Cornwall, therefore, resembles both a County Palatine, and a Crown Dependency, but conforms to neither one. Its constitutional status is absolutely unique. Cornwall is not specifically named in the 1707 Act of Union and it is possible that not only is it the only part of the British mainland that is not ruled by the Crown, but may even be excluded from the overall United Kingdom. These are questions that government departments, and the Duchy, continually avoid. The Crown appears to take the view that Cornwall is a constituent nation of the UK. In 2012 at the Queen’s Jubilee flotilla on the Thames in London, the Royal Barge Gloriana flew the flags of the UK’s constituent nations: England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland (flying the saltire of St Patrick which had not been seen since before 1972), the City of London (very much a state within a state), and Cornwall’s Cross of St Piran. The Council of the Duchy of Cornwall (more recently renamed the Prince of Wales’s Council) is another mysterious entity that appears to exercise more power than generally realised. Its members are appointed, not elected, and its only member who is resident in Cornwall is the current High Sheriff. The public are not made privy to the proceedings of this Council whose undemocratic influence on decisions affecting Cornwall and its people is suspected of being substantial. Officers of this Council include: Secretary and Keeper of the Records (effectively its Chief Executive Officer); Attorney-General; Receiver-General; Lord Steward (also referred to as High Steward, Seneschal and Chief Commissioner); Solicitor-General; High Sheriff of Cornwall; Lord Warden of the Stannaries and Vice-Warden of the Stannaries. There are further offices which do not appear to be currently filled: Auditor; Keeper of the Privy Seal, Surveyor-General; Herald of Cornwall and, curiously, Vice Admiral of the Duchy of Cornwall (not appointed since 1917). One can argue that this is all a very strange set-up for a “private landed estate”, for which a Vice Admiral would scarcely be expected. The main role of the Lord Warden of the Stannaries is to convene Cornwall’s legitimate legislative Parliament when so instructed. This has not happened since 1752, but the office continues to be filled. THE PARLIAMENT OF CORNWALL: The true antiquity of Cornwall’s parliament will never be known, but it is generally agreed that it predated the Norman Conquest. With the major part of Cornwall’s medieval economy being based upon tin extraction, it was formed around this activity and was variously known as the Convocation of Tinners and as the Cornish Stannary Parliament. Under this system of governance, Cornwall was divided into four areas, or Stannaries. Each provided 24 elected Stannators and 24 Assistant Stannators. Over time, this Parliament gained full legislative power in the Duchy, with Stannary Courts also being formed. These not only heard disputes involving mining, but also cases of assault, trespass, defamation and company law. Appeals arising from Stannary Court decisions went to the Prince’s Council (“Duchy Council”), and then to the Privy Council, but not to the ordinary courts of England. Stannary Courts were abolished in the late 19th century, but Stannary Law was not and cases under Stannary Law can still be heard. In 1497, Henry VII of England suspended the Stannary Parliament and imposed crippling taxes to fund his campaign against Scotland. The Cornish rose against him, marching in force to Blackheath on the edge of London, where they were heavily defeated by Henry’s army. Undaunted, the Cornish rose and marched again in the same year, supporting the pretender Perkin Warbeck’s claim to Henry’s throne, but this was aborted en route when Warbeck deserted them. Henry VII later agreed to forgive the Cornish people and, for the princely sum of £1,000, he not only restored the Stannary Parliament in 1508 but, under his Charter of Pardon, granted it the astonishing power of veto over Acts and Statutes enacted by the parliament in Westminster. It is a little known fact that the powers of the Cornish Stannary Parliament, including this right of veto, remain intact at law to this day. This was confirmed in 1977 to Plaid Cymru’s Member of Parliament, Dafydd Wigley by the government’s Attorney-General Lord Elwyn Jones. A further question regarding who had the right to abolish this Cornish Parliament and its right of veto produced an unexpected answer from the Hansard Library: that only the Cornish people had that right. However, the Parliament was allowed to lapse. It was last convened by the Duchy in 1752, and met for the last time in the following year. From that time onward, successive Dukes of Cornwall have signally failed to reconvene Cornwall’s legitimate Parliament but it is to be noted that the Duchy continues to appoint an officer whose task it is to convene that Parliament when instructed: the Lord Warden of the Stannaries. Professor Robert Pennington, author of Stannary Law (1973), stated of the Cornish Stannary Parliament that: “no other institution has ever had such wide powers in the history of this country (i.e. the U.K.)”, and that it remains capable of being summoned. THE ANGLICISATION OF CORNWALL: This began in earnest from 1549, following Henry VIII’s acrimonious break with the Roman Catholic church. After Henry’s death, and the succession of Edward VI, a sickly 9-year old boy, the self-appointed “Lord Protector” Edward Seymour, Duke of Somerset and uncle of the new king, and Archbishop Thomas Cranmer took it upon themselves to impose a new Protestant English State religion upon the land. The Cornish people took this imposition, of both religion and the language in which it was to be conducted, very badly. A considerable proportion of Cornish people in 1549 spoke no English at all, but they were well used to centuries of Latin services, with Cornish language elements included. Cornish forces under Sir Humphrey Arundell marched east once again, laying siege to Exeter for five weeks, and fighting five brutal battles with English forces strengthened by mercenaries from Germany and Italy. The appalling nature of this conflict included the atrocity of 900 unarmed Cornish prisoners having their throats cut in just 10 minutes by the German lanzknechts under the command of Lord William Grey. (To this day, English Heritage refuses to recognise these known battle sites or to include them in the Register of British Battlefields). The Cornish and their Dartmoor allies were defeated, and after death-squads under Provost Marshal Sir Anthony Kingston were sent into Cornwall, an estimated 20% of Cornwall’s male population were slaughtered, a detail seldom mentioned in history books. What counted here was that the Cornish Parliament’s right of veto of Acts and Statutes of Westminster, as represented by the Cornish Articles of Demand sent to London, had been totally ignored in the case of Cranmer’s Act of Uniformity after just 41 years of being granted by Royal Charter of Henry VII. It has been ignored ever since. England’s State Religion and language were duly imposed on Cornwall. No longer did official documents contain the phrase: “in Anglia et Cornubia” (‘in England and Cornwall’), as had been commonplace in the late medieval period. No longer was Cornwall described as one of the four nations of the island, as many commentators, including Henry VIII’s own chronicler, had done, or shown as such on maps as had previously been the case. The British Sea, so named from at least Roman times, was renamed the English Channel. Even the island lying off Looe, “St Michael’s Island” since at least the 13th century, was renamed “St George’s Island” in order to impose England’s patron saint upon the Duchy. From 1549 onward, Cornwall was regarded by London as part of England, but under no legal process had this been achieved, nor has it ever been so achieved. Once again, we are reminded of the modern legal opinions that while Cornwall may be de facto joindered with England, there is no de jure basis for any such joinder. In fact, between 1497 and 1645, the Cornish rose against the English no less than six times, and largely because Cornish identity was under attack. During the Civil War, the Cornish were referred to as “foreigners”, and Parliamentarian encroachment into Cornwall was referred to as “invasion”. Cornwall remains unlawfully denied of its true identity and status, and endures acts of assimilation. Today, it finds itself assailed by official agencies such as English Heritage, Natural England, Sport England, NHS England, Arts Council England: the list is seemingly endless. CORNWALL’S NATIONAL SYMBOLS: Cornwall has, for a long time, enjoyed its own national symbols. It has had a succession of patron saints: the Celtic priest St Petroc (recently appropriated by Devon); St Michael the Archangel, most likely introduced by the Normans, and the Celtic priest St Piran, originally the patron saint of tinners, but now of Cornwall itself. The annual Feast of St Piran, held on March 5th, is participated in by thousands processing in several towns and across the sand dunes near Perranporth to the 1,500-year old remains of the saint’s oratory. The national flag is the striking Cross of St Piran, a white cross on a jet-black background that, as aforementioned, was flown on the Royal Barge Gloriana alongside those of the other nations of the UK during the Jubilee flotilla in 2012. The antiquity of the flag is uncertain. It was mentioned as old by Davies Gilbert in 1824, and is the direct reverse of the original flag of Brittany, with which Cornwall has been closely linked, socially, culturally and linguistically, since the 5th century AD. Cornwall’s national bird is the Cornish Chough (Pyrrhocorax pyrrhocorax), a strikingly noble black corvid with a red curved beak and legs, and a distinctive call. The Chough vanished from Cornish shores for a period of some 50 years, but has now returned in numbers. The national flower of Cornwall is taken to be the white flower of the Cornish Heath (Erica vagans), although the yellow flower of the dwarf Western Heath (Ulex gallii) has also been used. Cornish tartans have been in common use for half a century, notably the Cornish national tartan and the Cornish hunting tartan. The traditional Cornish motto, adopted by both the old and new Cornwall Councils, is Onen hag Oll (One and All). Cornwall’s National Anthem is generally agreed to be Song of the Western Men (Trelawny), to a rousing tune with words penned by the Reverend R.S. Hawker. The Cornish Gorsedh (or College of Bards, similar to those of Wales and Brittany) sings Bro Goth agan Tasow, “Old Land of our Fathers”, to the same tune as the Welsh National Anthem, while “Hail to the Homeland”, by Kenneth Pelmear and Pearce Gilbert, is preferred by some. Like Wales and Scotland, Cornwall has its own distinct political party, Mebyon Kernow (“Sons of Cornwall”). The party is 60 years old, has several councillors on Cornwall’s Unitary Authority and, for the General Election in May 2015, fielded candidates in all six Cornish constituencies, although denied Election broadcasts by the British media. Cornwall is represented in the Celtic League, which includes all six acknowledged Celtic nations, and which has roster consultative status with the United Nations; and on the International Celtic Congress. Cornwall also takes part in several pan-Celtic festivals. LEGAL PROTECTIONS: Cornwall has two of these, both of which fall under the jurisdiction of the Council of Europe in Strasbourg and, after protracted delay and denial, have been agreed to by the UK Government acting as signatory to both protections. The first was enacted in 2002, with the Cornish language being included in the European Charter for Regional and Minority Languages and following a detailed and favourable report by Professor Ken MacKinnon commissioned by the UK government. The second protection, also achieved only after several decades of persistent campaigning by the Cornish, and stonewalling by London, was finally placed upon the Cornish people themselves in April 2014. This declares the Cornish people to form a National Minority group on the Framework Convention for the Protection of National Minorities. This now places the Cornish people on a par with their Celtic cousins in Wales and Scotland. DEFINITIONS: What, then, is Cornwall? Is it a mere administrative county of England? A Duchy with a unique constitutional status? A nation? Or a full-blown country? a) County: Cornwall has long been referred to as a comitatus, a word which gave rise to the English word ‘county’ and often translated as such, but which, in the medieval period of the documents in which it is found, had a rather different meaning to that understood today. The meaning of the original Latin word is given as ‘retinue’ but, in the medieval period it described a “territory under a Count (comes)’. The British equivalent of a Count is Earl and, therefore, the “Comitatus of Cornwall” meant the “Earldom of Cornwall” which it was between 1066 and 1337. Administrative county status placed on Cornwall stemmed from the Local Government Act of 1888, although curiously, it was not applied to Cornwall until the following year. The aforementioned Royal Commission on the Constitution 1973 highlighted the many doubts regarding the legality of this action and, indeed this had been another Act of the Westminster Parliament imposed in defiance of the Cornish Parliament’s Right of Veto, which remains extant at law to this day. A county is also defined as a “shire”, but Cornwall has never been a shire. In fact, several of its ancient internal divisions, known as keverangow (later redefined as “Hundreds”) have in the past had their own names appended with -shire. That a shire could contain shires is an absurdity. b) Duchy: That the entire territory of Cornwall (but not the Isles of Scilly) has been a Duchy since 1337 is beyond doubt. Moreover, it is a Duchy with unique standing, extra-territorial to the Crown and with a different Head of State, different laws and different privileges than England or the remainder of the UK. As detailed earlier, legal opinion places Cornwall as resembling both a County Palatine or a Crown Dependency. Either would remove Cornwall from the status of a mere “county of England”. c) Nation: The Oxford Modern Dictionary gives the definition of ‘Nation’ as follows: “A community of people of mainly common descent, history, language, etc., forming a State or inhabiting a territory.” Cornwall ticks every single box and is most certainly a nation under this definition. The recent genetic findings confirm that its people are of mainly common descent; its history is unique in Britain, and it retains its own language with a history dating back 5,000 years. That it forms a State is confirmed by the existence and constitutional status of the territorial Duchy, and the territory inhabited by that community has been defined by sea and the River Tamar for more than a thousand years. That Cornwall is a nation in its own right is beyond all reasonable doubt. d) Country: The Oxford Modern Dictionary defines “country” as follows: “1a. the territory of a nation with its own government; a State; 1b. a territory possessing its own language, people, culture, etc. 2 (often attrib.) rural districts as opposed to towns or the capital (a cottage in the country, a country town). 3. the land of a person’s birth or citizenship; a fatherland. 4a. a territory, esp. an area of interest or knowledge. 4b. a region associated with a particular person, esp. a writer (Hardy country). 5. (Brit.) a national population, esp. as voters (the country won’t stand for it). Cornwall qualifies for appellation as a country, particularly under definitions 1a, 1b, and 5. It is a territory as a nation with its own government (as already established), even though that government may at present be held in abeyance, but remains intact at law. It is, again as established above, a territory possessing its own language, people, culture, etc., and it has a national population as evidenced by its inclusion as a protected National Minority. It can be argued that Cornwall can also claim to conform to definitions 3, 4a and 4b, although these are of less importance in the context of this submission. CONCLUSION AND SUBMISSION: In a personal comment to the author of this submission, Dr John Kirkhope, Notary Public and Solicitor, who has delved deeply into the constitutional status of the Duchy of Cornwall, stated that: “Cornwall is unique. It is like a County Palatine, but isn’t. It has a miners’ Parliament but with the most extraordinary powers. The Duchy is the most astonishing creation, and there is nothing like it in our jurisprudence. Cornwall is in a category of its own, of which there is just one member: Cornwall. It is unique unto itself.” It is therefore clear that, beyond any reasonable doubt, Cornwall fully satisfies the criteria required for appellation as a Duchy, a Nation and a Country. Its small size and population (530,000) should not be judged as acting against its claim for nationhood: recognised autonomous nations such as Andorra, Luxembourg, Liechtenstein, San Marino and Monaco are both smaller than Cornwall in area and population, while the population of Iceland, although occupying a much greater land area, is, at 370,000, considerably smaller than that of Cornwall. Nonetheless, the UK government and its agencies, including local government, and assisted by the mainstream media, written, audio and visual, continue to deny Cornwall any status other than “county”. They even deny it the status of Duchy, in complete disregard of the recommendations of the 1973 Royal Commission on the Constitution. We contend that Cornwall has the right to hold nation status, equal to that enjoyed by Scotland and Wales which, unlike Cornwall, are able to participate in international competitions, such as the Commonwealth Games, the Olympic Games and the World Cup (football, rugby and cricket). However, the UK Government itself displays confusion regarding Cornwall’s status. In its fourth compliance report to the Council of Europe in respect of the Framework Convention. it makes specific mention of a forthcoming National Library of Cornwall. The UK government, in apparent collusion with the secretive administration of the Duchy of Cornwall, also denies Cornwall the right of autonomy, and its lawful, fully legislative Parliament. It has even ignored calls for a legislative Cornish Assembly and a 50,000 word petition supporting that call submitted in 2001. It is contended that this continued denial is, in itself, unlawful. It is equally clear that this official diminishing of Cornwall’s status over a considerable period of time, has severely disadvantaged the Cornish people, most of whom can no longer afford their own home, and see the quality of life in their own communities being severely eroded by a rampant market in second homes occupied only for a few short weeks in any year. At present, the Cornish population is bracing itself against an influx of up to 150,000 more people from elsewhere, through an imposition of 47,500 houses to be built by 2030 that is being insisted upon by the UK government and adopted as policy by Cornwall’s undemocratically imposed (in 2009) Unitary Authority. This is in complete defiance of Article 16 of the Council of Europe’s Framework Convention for the Protection of National Minorities, which prohibits the adverse alteration of population proportions in areas occupied by national minorities. It is worth noting that even the young in Cornwall have awareness of identity. In 2013, 46% of the Duchy’s schoolchildren registered their ethnicity as Cornish, and not as English or British. In the UK’s national census for 2011, a total of 74,000 people registered their ethnicity as Cornish, even though no specific tick box for “Cornish” was provided. Under the present “county of England” position, Cornwall is reduced to a mere appendage of the island of Britain, and is prevented from furthering itself to a position where it can take up its rightful place in the global community. It has been further disadvantaged by losing its Member of the European Parliament (shared with Plymouth) and now having to share three MEPs with an artificial “South West” region stretching as far to the east as Gloucestershire, plus Gibraltar. None of these three MEPs is situated anywhere close to Cornwall, effectively denying it a knowledgeable or representative voice in the European Parliament. Cornwall’s case for recognition as a Nation and Nation State cannot be furthered within the United Kingdom, where the will of central government and of the Duke of Cornwall’s Duchy, reign supreme, even in the Courts. It is, therefore, compelled to turn to the international community for help in regaining its rightful status. The Cornwall Branch of the Celtic League respectfully requests full consideration of Cornwall’s case, and formal acknowledgement and recognition of nation status for Cornwall, on a par with that enjoyed by Wales and Scotland. We also request that the UK Government be persuaded to comply with law, restore Cornwall’s right to autonomy and self-governance, and to abandon “county of England” status for Cornwall. We request that Cornwall be rightfully recognised, within the UK, and internationally, as the Duchy, Nation and Country that it is. The author of this document, on behalf of the Cornwall Branch of the Celtic League, is Craig Weatherhill, a Bard of the Cornish Gorsedh. An archaeologist, historian and writer of long standing, he also has deep knowledge of Cornwall’s constitutional status. Angarrack, John: Breaking the Chains, 1999. Angarrack, John: Our Future is History, Identity, Law and the Cornish Question, 2002. Angarrack, John: Scat t’Larrups? Resist and Survive, 2008 Anglo-Saxon Chronicles, The Annales Cambriae. Berresford-Ellis, Peter: The Cornish Language and its Literature, 1974 Bodmer, Sir William et al: The Fine-scale Genetic Structure of the British Population, ‘Nature’, March 2015. Caraman, Philip: The Western Rising 1549, 1994. Cornwall Council: Schools Census (annual) Cunliffe, Prof. Sir Barry: Britain Begins, 2012. Deacon, Bernard; George, Andrew, & Perry, Ron: Cornwall at the Crossroads, 1988. Flather, G.D. QC: The Report of the Assistant Commissioner G.D. Flather QC upon the Local Inquiry held by him 12/13 July 1988 in Bodmin, Cornwall, into proposed changes in the European Parliamentary Constituencies of Cornwall, Plymouth and Devon. Kirkhope, Dr John: Cornwall a Dominion of the Crown? Legal Opinion for Andrew George MP. Kirkhope, Dr John: A Mysterious, Arcane and Unique Corner of our Constitution – the Laws relating to the Duchy of Cornwall, 2010. Kirkhope, Dr John: An Introduction to the Laws of the Duchy of Cornwall, the Scilly Isles and Devon, 2014. Office for National Statistics (UK Government): National Census 2011. Payton, Prof. Philip: Cornwall – A History, 2004. Pearce, Dr Susan: The Kingdom of Dumnonia, 1978. Pemberton-Leigh, Thomas (Attorney-General to the Duchy of Cornwall): Preliminary Statement showing the Grounds on which is founded the Right of the Duchy of Cornwall to the Tidal Estuaries, Foreshore and Undersea Minerals within and around the coast of Cornwall, 1855-59. Pennington, Prof. Robert R.: Stannary Law, 1973. Rowse, Dr A.L.: The Little Land of Cornwall, 1986 Stoyle, Mark: West Britons: Cornish Identities and the Early Modern British State, 2002. Thomas, Prof. A.C.: The Character and Origins of Roman Dumnonia, 1966. U.K. Government: Fourth Report submitted to the Council of Europe pursuant to Article 25, Paragraph 2 of the Framework Convention for the Protection of National Minorities, received 26 March 2015. Weatherhill, Craig: Cornovia: Ancient Sites of Cornwall & Scilly 4,000BC to 1,000 AD, 2009 Weatherhill, Craig: Cornish Place-Names and Language, 2008 Weatherhill, Craig: Centre of the Arc: The Early History of the Cornish People, (forthcoming). Williams, Prof. Nicholas (translator): An Beybel Sans: The Holy Bible in Cornish, 2011.	i don't know
Which architect found the Bauhaus School in Weimar in 1919?	The Bauhaus movement founded by Walter Gropius in Weimar, Germany The Bauhaus Movement in Weimar, Germany Bauhaus Museum in Weimar has display of modern furniture The origins of the Bauhaus movement of modern art and architecture date back to the controversial new school of arts and crafts which was established in Weimar in 1902 by the Belgian artist Henry van de Velde. Another art school had already been founded in 1860 which was also the subject of disputes. The pioneering architect Walter Gropius combined both schools into the Staatliches Bauhaus on April 1, 1919 to start the Bauhaus movement which spread around the world. In 1919, Weimar had become the center of new social and political ideas when the city was chosen as the place for the writing of the constitution of the new Republic proclaimed by the Social Democrats on Nov. 9, 1918. The central idea behind the teaching at the Bauhaus was productive workshops. The Bauhaus contained a carpenter's workshop, a metal workshop, a pottery in Dormburg, facilities for painting on glass, mural painting, weaving, printing, wood and stone sculpting. The Bauhaus architecture featured functional design, as opposed to the elaborate Gothic architecture of Germany. Famous modern artists like Paul Klee, Lyonel Feininger and Kandinsky were invited to lecture at the school. Pictured below is Walter Gropius, the founder of the Bauhaus movement. Gropius was born in Berlin on May 18, 1883 and died in Boston on July 5, 1969. Gropius left the Bauhaus in 1928, worked as an architect in Berlin, then moved to London in 1934. In 1937, he was appointed the head of the architecture department at Harvard University. Walter Gropius, founder of Bauhaus school of architecture Rug on display in Bauhaus Museum At number 8 Geschwister-Scholl Strasse, is the Hochschule für Architektur and Bauwesen, which is the school for modern architecture and construction. At the present time, it has approximately 3,000 students. The school is located in a seedy area of Weimar which would have to be described truthfully as a slum; the neighborhood is a testament to the failure of Communism in East Germany. The yellow house where Franz Liszt lived is just around the corner. All the famous buildings in Weimar are painted yellow, as though the town had a paint sale. I was told that the yellow color is taken from the leaves of the ginkgo tree in the fall. Weimar has many ginkgo trees, which were introduced by Goethe, who was a naturalist as well as a poet and writer. This school goes back to the Art School founded in 1860 and directed by Stanislaus Graf von Kalckreuth (1820 - 1894). In 1907, it was combined with the College of Arts and Crafts founded by Henry van de Velde and continued by Walter Gropius as the Staatliches Bauhaus in 1919. In 1925 it became the College of Trades and Architecture after the Bauhaus architects were run out of town by the right wing conservatives. The school reopened as the State College of Architecture and Fine Arts in 1946 after the occupation of Weimar by the Communist Soviet Union. The Fine Arts was dropped in 1951. Between 1950 and 1962, the school included classes for the Communist workers and farmers in addition to building trades classes. The main building, pictured below, was built in 1911; it was designed by van de Velde. College of Architecture, Building and Construction in Weimar	Walter Gropius
Constantine XI Palaiologos was the last ruler of which empire?	WriteDesign - Historical and Cultural Context - Bauhaus Historical and Cultural Context Bauhaus Bauhaus (1919 - 1933) The first aim of the school was to "rescue all of the arts from the isolation in which each then found itself." Bau\|haus (bou'hous'), n. a school founded in 1919 by Walter Gropius at Weimar, Germany, and later located successively at Dessau, Berlin, and Chicago, to develop a functional architecture based on a correlation between creative design and modern industry and science. German Bauhaus: bauen = build + Haus = house. http://www.anxo.org/artigos/050600.html The Bauhaus began with an utopian definition: "The building of the future" was to combine all the arts in ideal unity. http://www.bauhaus.de/english/bauhaus1919/index.htm Gropius believed that artists and architects should be considered as craftsmen and that their creations should be practical and affordable. Bauhaus students included artists, architects, potters, weavers, sculptors and designers who studied together in workshops as had the artists and artisans of the Renaissance. The characteristic Bauhaus style was simple, geometrical and highly refined. In 1933 the school was closed by the Nazi government claiming that it was a centre of communist intellectualism. Although the school was physically dissolved, its staff continued to teach its ideals as they left Germany and emigrated all over the world. (The Art Book, p.506) Legacy The Bauhaus firmly establish industrial design. It stripped away the decoration, and left clean lines of function. To some this represents the removal of all that is human in the crafts. To the teachers and followers of the involved in the Bauhaus, function was the primary concern, removing the past was a secondary consequence. The Bauhaus ushered in the modern era of design. While there were similar movements, such as the de Stijl, the Bauhaus has become the symbol of modern design. It did achieve many of Gropius's goals. It left a legacy for visual communication programs, art and design schools to follow. Many of these schools use the courses developed at the Bauhaus. Events that shaped the arts from 1918 to 1933. \| Top 1918 - On 9 November 1918 a republic was proclaimed in Berlin under the moderate socialist Friedrich Ebert. An elected National Assembly met in January 1919 in the city of Weimar and agreed on a constitution. 1918 - German-Russian Brest-Litovsk treaty ended World War One on Eastern Front. Bolshevik Party secret resolution and expression of opposition. When the war ended on the Western front, Russia disavowed its own treaty of peace with Germany ( http://www.uoregon.edu/~kimball/sac.1917.1920.htm#1918no11 ). 1918 - Russian tsar Nicholas II and his family gunned down in captivity ( http://www.uoregon.edu/~kimball/sac.1917.1920.htm ) 1918 - Beginning with David Lloyd George, war-time Minister of Defense and Prime Minister, English labor movement adopted radical and social democratic positions in the post-WW1 years ( http://www.uoregon.edu/~kimball/sac.1917.1920.htm ). 1919 - India, Madras. Leader of anti-imperialist movement in India, Mohandas Gandhi published Indian Home Rule ( http://www.uoregon.edu/~kimball/sac.1917.1920.htm ). Top 1919 - France. Versailles peace conferences took place over a six month period. None of the defeated Central Powers were invited to the conferences, and the ex-ally Russia, now a revolutionary Soviet state, did not participate. The angry, insecure and (except the USA) damaged allies set out to remake Europe on their own ( http://www.uoregon.edu/~kimball/sac.1917.1920.htm ). 1919 - Ireland, Dublin. Sinn Fein Congress adopted declaration of independence from England ( http://www.uoregon.edu/~kimball/sac.1917.1920.htm ). 1919 - USA, Seattle General Strike, growing labor militancy ( http://www.uoregon.edu/~kimball/sac.1917.1920.htm ). 1919 - Das Cabinet des Dr. Caligari is the masterpiece of German Expressionist film. One of the most admired and influential motion pictures of all time, Caligari has achieved the status of a cultural icon. Even those who have never seen the movie immediately recognize the haggard forms of Conrad Veidt as Cesare and Werner Krauss's Caligari, a representation of crazed totalitarianism foreshadowing the advent of the Third Reich. coincidence - the sources of inspiration for this presentation come from an eye-opening visit to the Simon Wiesenthal Center - Museum of Tolerance , a prophetic look at the upcoming millennium, an on-going discussion about artists' expression of the times, and a deep-rooted desire to provide a forum for collaboration.- http://www.writedesignonline.com/gallery/coincidence/program.html Top Weimar Republic (1919 - 1933) 1919 - Versailles Peace Settlement, involving the loss of continental territory and of all overseas colonies and the likelihood of a vast reparations debt, the terms being so unpopular as to provoke a brief right-wing revolt, the Kapp putsch. 1923 - The country was unable to meet reparation costs, and the mark collapsed, whereupon France and Belgium occupied the Ruhr in 1923, while in Bavaria right-wing extremists (including Hitler and Ludendorff) became more active. Hitler and the Nazis hatched a plot in which they would kidnap the leaders of the Bavarian government and force them at gunpoint to accept Hitler as their leader. Then, according to their plan, with the aid of famous World War One General Erich Ludendorff, they would win over the German army, proclaim a nationwide revolt and bring down the German democratic government in Berlin. 1929 - Discontented financial and industrial groups in the German National Party allied with Hitler's Nazi Party to form a powerful opposition. 1932 - As unemployment developed, support for this alliance grew, perceived as the only alternative to communism. In the presidential elections of 1932 Hitler gained some 13 million votes, exploiting anti-communist fears and anti-Semitic prejudice, although Hindenburg was himself re-elected. 1933 - Hindenburg was persuaded to accept Hitler as Chancellor. 1933 - Hitler declared a state of emergency (28 February 1933) and, on Hindenburg's death in 1934, made himself President and proclaimed the Third Reich.	i don't know
Which birds make the saliva nests used in the Chinese delicacy bird’s nest soup?	Bird's Nest Soup: Savory Delicacy or Gourmet Cruelty? Bird's Nest Soup: Savory Delicacy or Gourmet Cruelty? San Francisco Bay Area 62 Bird's Nest Soup: Savory Delicacy or Gourmet Cruelty? What do you get when you combine centuries’ worth of history and lore with violence, politics, and exoticism? One of the most expensive dishes served anywhere around the world embodies all of these elements: Bird’s Nest Soup is a dish of royalty that has a reputation that far exceeds its subtle flavor. In order to understand how this prized specialty has achieved the controversial status it now enjoys, we must explore its rich place in history. Once exclusively consumed in China by monarchs looking for eternal life, the harvesting and consumption of these bird’s nests now largely depends on an industry notorious for its hazardous working conditions and poor conservation efforts. Is Bird’s Nest Soup really the nectar of the Gods, or a hollow justification for corruption and exploitation? Bird's nest what? The bird’s nests in question are constructed by species of swift birds that live throughout regions of southern Asia. Known as “walet” in Indonesian and Malay languages, these cave swifts have traditionally built their nests on the high walls of massive limestone caves in places like Niah, Gomantong, and Borneo. The male walet work tirelessly during a thirty-five-day period of the breeding season to build their nests entirely from saliva. The glue-like saliva is woven like fiberglass by the birds into small cup-like nests, which dry to be thin and translucent. Harvesters separate the nests into three categories of quality: White nests, also referred to as “white gold,” are the most pure of the three because they lack contaminants like feathers and twigs. These white nests are the first of the season to be picked – once the cave walls are stripped of the white nests, pickers wait for the birds to build new ones so that those too can be harvested. “Yellow” and “black” nests may be the birds’ second or even third attempt, and signify an impure product. It is also suggested that white nests have higher nutritional and medicinal value than the other two varieties. Is swiftlet saliva really the key to eternal life? The supposed health benefits of this white gold have been the key to its demand for centuries. It is difficult to separate fact from fiction when investigating the nutritional and medicinal values of these saliva-based nests. Traditional Chinese Medicine links their consumption with respiratory health, improved skin complexion, increased libido, and general longevity. While research has yet to validate many of these medicinal claims, the nests are rich with glycoprotein that may promote cell division in the immune system. The history behind this savory scandal Ironically enough, the very healing properties the nests supposedly contain are linked to their earliest introduction into ancient Chinese aristocracy, and their first association to bloodshed and corruption. According to Yun-Cheung Kong, a professor of biochemistry at the Chinese University of Hong Kong, swiftlet nests were first traded in China during the T’ang Dynasty (618-907 A.D.). Sometime between the years 1368 and 1644, Admiral Cheng He introduced foreign nests to the imperial court of the Ming Dynasty. It is believed that at this point in time domestic supplies of the nests had been largely depleted, and imported varieties were in high demand. While factual historical documentation is scarce, in her story “The Emperor and the Cook: The Story of Bird’s Nest Soup,” A. M. Zukarnaen describes the popular history of the Chinese emperor’s first encounter with Bird’s Nest Soup. The tale reads like an adaptation of Hans Christian Anderson’s “The Emperor’s New Clothes.” Zukarnaen explains how the royal cook was having an increasingly difficult time satisfying the emperor’s taste for exotic soups. Fearing expulsion, and beheading, the cook turned to a strange new import from Borneo: the bird’s nest. The cook did his best to prepare this foreign ingredient and served it to the emperor. After tasting the mild broth, the emperor angrily pronounced, “This tastes like ordinary soup... I can get this anywhere in the kingdom.” The cook grew desperate, and explained to the emperor that this soup was prized in Borneo for its life-extending properties. The emperor, finally taking the bait, exclaimed, “Ahhh, an exotic dish. Why didn’t you say so? This dish is fit for an emperor.” From that point on, in order to keep his secret about the soup’s strange key ingredient, the cook had all handlers of the nests killed – this became a bloody endeavor as new crews were constantly needed to retrieve the nests. Casualties of the trade Today, some might say a real trail of blood follows the harvesting and trade of the walet nests. Sarah Rooney, of the SF Gate, spent time investigating the more dangerous side of the bird’s nest picking industry in Thailand. Many of the islands and caves that house the nests are protected under the government’s environmental conservation plans. Companies in the business of picking bird’s nests must pay high concession fees to the government to gain access to the caves. And as Rooney points out, these expensive concessions have led some companies to protect their investments at all cost. She writes, “About a half-dozen companies… are protecting their fiefdoms with private armies that shoot at ‘unauthorized’ visitors.” She adds, “They also bribe authorities to look the other way, charge tourist operators protection money and keep locals suspected of being poachers from their traditional fishing grounds on the coast of the scenic Andaman Sea.” The Thai government, like other governments in the region, profits greatly from the concessions, which cost companies around one-hundred-million Thai Baht every five years, and has a reputation of condoning illegal activity on the part of the pickers. The potential for violence surrounding the caves has become such a concern that the popular Thai adventure tour company, AndamanAdventures.com , voiced a warning to all visiting rock-climbing enthusiasts not to venture out to the caves. Simon Ramsden is the regional manager of Andaman Adventures, and wrote of the situation: “Rock-climbers who wish to climb off the beaten track are advised to learn a little about the birds’ nest collectors who control large numbers of perfect climbing islands in Phang Nga bay and off the southwestern Thai coastline.” He compounds his point by adding, “Climbers who climb such crags without permission will find themselves in very, very deep trouble. Please be advised not to under any circumstances do it.” It seems some of the private security guards have adopted a “shoot now – ask later” policy. And while the fear of gun-fire should keep outsiders away, the nest pickers themselves face the daily prospect of injury, or even death. The process of nest picking hasn’t changed much over the years, and many workers still rely primarily on rudimentary tools and non-existent safety measures to harvest the white gold. Entering the caves can be in itself a perilous task – pickers must shimmy barefoot up sheer rock faces, sometimes only secured by a rope tied around their abdomen. Once in the caves, they climb high on bamboo rods and scaffolding to reach the nests. A three-pronged tool called a rada is used to loosen nests from the cave walls, because to use one’s hands is said to anger the gods. It is a common occurrence for the bamboo supports to break; each season, one in every sixty harvesters dies of work-related injuries. Human casualties of the trade may gain the most publicity, but the larger walet population may be taking the hardest hit of all. As mentioned before, pickers sometimes harvest up to three nests from each bird in a season. The rationale is that the third and final nest built by the walet is left untouched by the workers so that the birds can lay their eggs. Unfortunately though, when pickers find themselves facing increasingly high demands – even for the diminished quality of “black” nests – they resort to harvesting the birds’ last nests. It is difficult to say exactly how many walet eggs and hatchlings have been lost to pickers discarding them from their nests before they had the opportunity to grow, but we can guess the number is staggering. Rooney notes, “A local source familiar with the bird's nest industry said there are only one-third as many nests as there were a decade ago, and the swiftlets have abandoned many caves.” If the bird’s nest picking industry continues down the path of over-harvesting the nests, it may soon wipe itself out with the extinction of the entire walet population. It may be difficult for some to reconcile the over-indulgent demand for Bird’s Nest Soup with the harsh realities behind the industry that supplies it. The walet nest’s status in Traditional Chinese Medicine as a powerful healing tool is a great selling point to an entire market of consumers, but some may be drawn to the delicacy simply because of the darker circumstances behind its harvesting. Ultimately, a single bowl of this mild and oddly textured soup can cost up to $100 in the US, and the price continues to rise as a wealthier class of consumer gains power in China and abroad. Fortunately, some in the industry are beginning to take notice of the very real prospect of depleted natural supplies, and the stigma of maintaining a corrupt industry. The future of Bird’s Nest Soup may depend on developing technologies like urban nest-farming, and other techniques that secure the wellbeing of both the birds and nest-pickers. Only time will tell if this white gold is worth its weight in controversy.	cave swifts
Paraesthesia is the medical term for which condition?	Birds Nest (Saliva) Soup - YouTube Birds Nest (Saliva) Soup Want to watch this again later? Sign in to add this video to a playlist. Need to report the video? Sign in to report inappropriate content. The interactive transcript could not be loaded. Loading... Rating is available when the video has been rented. This feature is not available right now. Please try again later. Uploaded on Dec 13, 2008 Bird's nest soup is a delicacy in Chinese cuisine. A few species of swift, the cave swifts, are renowned for building the saliva nests used to produce the unique texture of this soup. And nobody told me it was expensive! Category	i don't know
Pastor Fred Waldron Phelps, Sr, is the founder of which American church; he died in 2014 but received no funeral, as according to his daughter Shirley “this church does not worship the dead”?	Infamous preacher Fred Phelps dead at age 84 Infamous preacher Fred Phelps dead at age 84 Family member says no funeral planned for Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred W. Phelps Sr. during the 1989 announcement of his plans to run for the Democratic nomination for governor of Kansas. Phelps listed seven points of reform on a board beside him. This file photo shows Fred Phelps, founder of Westboro Baptist Church, displaying one of his many infamous protest signs. Phelps died Wednesday at the age of 84. The late Pastor Fred Waldron Phelps Sr., the vitriolic, outspoken and reviled former face of Westboro Baptist Church who died this week, won’t be memorialized by family members. There will be no funeral. A daughter of Phelps, founder of Westboro Baptist, politely said it was “none of your business” when asked whether members of Phelps’ family had been present when he died Wednesday night and whether a funeral would be conducted. Reached by phone in Topeka, Shirley Phelps-Roper confirmed Thursday morning her father died late Wednesday at Midland Care, but offered few details of his death. While Phelps-Roper wouldn’t comment on funeral plans, another member of the family said later Thursday there would be no service. “There will not be a funeral,” Margie Jean Phelps, the oldest daughter of Phelps Sr., said during an interview with WIBW 580 AM. “The funeral (in general) has become the No. 1 idol of Americans.” About 7 p.m. Wednesday, angry adult voices, including some cursing, could be heard in the vicinity of the church and homes of Westboro Baptist members. Many WBC members live on adjacent streets within sight of the church. The dispute outside didn't last long. Phelps family members who have left Westboro Baptist weren't allowed to visit the ill Phelps while he was in hospice care, according to former church members. Of the 13 adult children of Phelps Sr., four have split from the church. An estimated 20 grandchildren also have left the church. The church is well known for picketing the funerals of American troops killed in Iraq and Afghanistan, which Phelps Sr. said was tied to Americans’ acceptance of homosexuals. The WBC picketing of a Marine's funeral spurred a lawsuit culminating in a legal battle before the U.S. Supreme Court. Her father's "message and life was to fear and obey God," Margie Phelps said. "Nothing else matters." Society is doomed if it doesn't turn away from same-sex marriage and sodomy, she said. "The worldwide media has been in a frenzy during the last few days, gleefully anticipating the death of Fred Waldron Phelps Sr.," an unsigned statement issued by the church said. "It has been an unprecedented, hypocritical, vitriolic explosion of words.” "Do they vainly hope for the death of his body? People die — that is the way of all flesh," the church said. "The death of Fred Phelps’ body, a man who preached a plain faithful doctrine to an ever darkening world, is nothing but a vain, empty, hypocritical hope for you." The church statement added it hasn't undergone any power struggles. Fred Phelps Sr. had been in hospice care with an unknown illness. Church spokesman Steve Drain on Feb. 14 told a Topeka Capital-Journal reporter that Phelps was “healthy" but wouldn't put him on the phone as a church spokeswoman had done in the past. "He has a couple things going on," Drain said Sunday, declining to elaborate on his illnesses. "The source that says he's near death is not well informed," Drain said Sunday, three days before Phelps died. On Wednesday, phone lines at the church normally staffed to handle news media queries had voice mails instructing callers to email questions to the church. When called, the phones of several other church members immediately rolled into message mode. Another member of the family hung up when a Capital-Journal reporter identified himself. On Sunday, son Nate Phelps, who fled the church 37 years ago, said Fred Phelps Sr. was excommunicated in August 2013 from the church for advocating more kindness among its members. On Sunday, Drain refused to discuss whether Phelps had been excommunicated. "We don't discuss our internal church dealings with anybody," he said. "It's only because of his notoriety that you are asking." Drain said the church doesn't have a specific leader other than Jesus Christ. The church has an eight-member board of elders, all male, who make church decisions.	Westboro Baptist Church
After receiving a late fee of $40 dollars for an overdue Apollo 13 videotape, Reed Hastings and Marc Randolph founded which online company in 1997?	Baptist preacher Fred Phelps: Anti-LDS and anti-GLBT activist IMPORTANT NOTES FROM THE ANTI-PHELPS UNDERGROUND PLEASE MAKE 10 COPIES OF THIS FILE AND GIVE THEM TO THOSE WHO FIND THE ACTIVITIES OF FRED PHELPS UNCONSCIONABLE. On June 29, 1994 Jon Michael Bell, a former reporter hired to investigate Fred Phelps and Westboro Baptist Church by Stauffer Communications, Inc., filed a lawsuit in Shawnee County District Court in Topeka, Kansas against Stauffer Communications alleging the Topeka Capital-Journal owed him compensation for overtime and to clarify ownership of his notes and work product. The work product in question, "Addicted to Hate" chronicling the life and times of Fred Phelps, was attached to the lawsuit as Exhibit A making it, therefore, a public document. Learning of the suit, members of Topeka's anti-Phelps underground delivered a certified copy of the lawsuit to a copy shop near the courthouse. Within 48 hours, Stauffer Communications had written all area media outlets and issued veiled warnings about using the information contained in "Addicted to Hate". A rival Topeka newspaper, the Metro News, announced it was considering publishing the lawsuit in it entirety. The Kansas City Star abided by Stauffer Communication's wishes, but several other media outlets aired or printed portions of the manuscript. Within 48 hours of the filing, Stauffer Communications persuaded a judge to seal the suit so the Clerk of the District Court could no longer make copies for the public. No matter - no such order was issued to the copy shop or to the hundreds of citizens that already had copies. On July 8 the Capital-Journal, which had deep-sixed the Phelps project and fired the publisher who authorized it when it was completed last fall, suddenly began its watered-down, copyrighted series on Phelps that they had earlier claimed they wouldn't print. Bell also withdrew his suit the same day. By this time, however, TV networks, wire services, and eastern newspapers had obtained copies of the manuscript, and Stauffer's unprecedented attempt to suppress media discussion of the document attracted the interest of several major East Coast newspapers on First Amendment grounds. Phelps, a self-proclaimed advocate of the First Amendment, whose 'free speech activities include libel, slander defamation of character, intimidation, obscene language, battery, promptly denounced Stauffer Communications and denied the allegations of child abuse, spouse abuse, and other illegal activities. Anyone familiar with Phelps and his children who remain loyal to him, however, can clearly see these adult children and his wife suffer from the grotesque and obvious behaviors symptomatic of severe, long-term abuse. Where and how the twisted saga of Fred Phelps will end is anyone's guess. DISCLAIMER The volunteer distributors of this file wish to emphatically state that Jon Michael Bell did not suggest, encourage, or take part in the transfer or distribution of his typewritten manuscript (Exhibit A) to ASCII format. Volunteer distributors make no guarantees either expressed or implied and cannot be responsible in the use of this file. Jon Michael Bell, one of the authors of "Addicted to Hate", seeks no compensation for his work. If, however, after reading "Addicted to Hate", you would like to make a contribution in his name to organizations in Topeka assisting AIDS victims, abused children and battered women, please send your donations to: 1. Hospice for AIDS Victims c/o Topeka AIDS Project 1915 S. W. 6th Street Topeka, Kansas 66606 2. Project Safe Talk 200 S.E. 7th Street Topeka, Kansas 66603 3. Battered Women Task Force 225 S.W. 12th Street Topeka, Kansas 66612 Let the word go forth that the overwhelmingly vast majority of Topekans and Kansans DO NOT support Westboro Baptist Cult and Fred Phelps' hate campaigns against all who disagree with him. The District Attorney in Shawnee County (Topeka) has filed several criminal cases against members of the Westboro Cult ranging from disorderly conduct and battery to felony charges of aggravated intimidations of victims and witnesses. Prosecution of these cases are delayed pending the outcome of the second of the lawsuits filed in federal court by Phelps Chartered. There will probably be more. Fred and his lawyer offspring and in-laws continue to abuse the judicial system much as Fred did before his state and federal disbarments. The case is expected to be heard in federal court in early fall, but few expect that this will be the end. Please let Topeka officials and Federal Judge Sam Crow know that many of Fred Phelps' and WBC activities (as outlined in the above paragraph and documented by both "Addicted to Hate" and the Capital-Journal series) are NOT protected by the First Amendment and encourage them to take whatever steps are necessary to prosecute Phelps for those activities which are clearly crimes to the fullest extent of the law. Please do it today! The Hon. Sam A. Crow Frank Carlson Federal Courthouse 444 S.E. Quincy Topeka, Kansas 66603 (913) 295-2626 Joan M. Hamilton Shawnee County District Attorney 200 S.E. 7th Street Suite 214 Topeka, Kansas 66603 (913) 233-8200 Ext. 4330 Commissioner Don Cooper Chairman, Board of Commissioners 200 S.E. 7th Street Topeka, Kansas 66603 (913) 233-8200 Ext. 4040 The Hon. Butch Felker Office of the Mayor 215 S.E. 7th Street Topeka, Kansas 66603 (913) 295-3895 Chief Gerald Beavers Topeka Police Department 204 S.W. 5th Street Topeka, Kansas 66603 (913) 354-9551 IN THE DISTRICT COURT OF SHAWNEE COUNTY, KANSAS DIVISION 7 JON BELL, Plaintiff, vs. Case No. 94CV766 STAUFFER COMMUNICATIONS, INC., Defendant. PETITION FOR DECLARATORY RELIEF (Pursuant to K.S.A. Chapter 60-1701 et. seq.) COMES NOW the Plaintiff Jon Bell and states: 1.Plaintiff is a resident of Kansas. 2.Defendant Stauffer Communications, Inc. is a corporation organized under the laws of Kansas and may be served by serving its resident agent The Corporation Company, Inc., 515 S. Kansas Ave., Topeka, Kansas 66603. 3.Plaintiff was an intern and employed by Defendant to work for its newspaper Topeka Capital Journal, in Topeka, Shawnee County, Kansas. 4. As part of his work he was assigned by the managing editor to prepare stories and/or manuscripts concerning one Fred Phelps, pastor of Westboro Baptist Church, Inc. 5. That Plaintiff's employment was originally undertaken for compensation of $1300 per month (37 hours per week at $8.00/hour). As the scope of the Phelps project expanded to book length, Plaintiff indicated his willingness to do a book for the compensation he was being paid. It was represented to him by the managing editor, Mr. Sullivan, that the publication of the book would have such value to Plaintiff's reputation as an author that the publication plus the salary was just compensation. In reliance upon the representation that the book would be published by Defendant, he continued with the project to the point of final manuscript and dedicated overtime hours (for which he was not separately compensated) having a reasonable value in excess of $10,000. 6. Plaintiff has been advised by Mr. Hively, the publisher of the Topeka Capital Journal that Defendant does not intend to publish the book or any portion of it. 7. Plaintiff has been separately advised by the defendant's attorney that Defendant does not grant Plaintiff permission to publish the book (Ex. B attached). 8. Plaintiff claims that he has intellectual property rights in the manuscript and desires to publish it and that in the absence of compensation for his overtime or because of his reliance on Mr. Sullivan's representation if Defendant chooses to waste the work that he has the right to publish the book. 9. In that Defendant has asserted superior rights to the manuscript, but, has likewise has declared an intent not to publish and the fact that the material may become dated, or alternatively, lose its timelessness (the subject of the manuscript is currently running for the Democratic nomination for Governor of the State of Kansas), it is important to resolve the rights of the parties in and to the manuscript as it relates to the contract of employment which previously existed between Plaintiff and Defendant, and terminate the controversy over rights to the manuscript which gives rise to these proceedings. 10. Plaintiff feels uncertain and insecure of his legal position in the absence of a judicial declaration of his rights, and for that reason, brings this action. WHEREFORE, Plaintiff prays that the Court construe the terms of his employment and his rights to publish the manuscript marked as Ex. A and attached hereto, and permit the Plaintiff the right without restriction, and subject to any fair accounting to Defendant, to publish the manuscript. (Signature of Jon Bell) Jon Bell, pro s 82 (Home address intentionally omitted) Lawrence, KS 66044 (Document contains the seal of the District Court of Shawnee County, Kansas and the signature of Leslie Miller, Deputy Clerk of the District Court of Shawnee County, Kansas and dated 6-29-94.) (Letterhead of the law firm of Goodell, Stratton, Edmonds & Palmer) 515 South Kansas Avenue Topeka, Kansas 66603-3999 913-233-0593 Telecopier: 913-233-8870) June 2, 1994 Mr. Jon Bell (Home Address Intentionally Omitted) Shawnee, Kansas 66216 In re: Topeka Capital-Journal Our file: 31143 Dear Jon: I understand that you are in some way marketing or trying to develop an interest in the Capital-Journal's investigatory work on Fred Phelps. Be advised that you are not authorized to engage in this activity. This work is the property of The Topeka Capital-Journal, and does not belong to you. My client will make all decisions regarding the piece. You are not authorized to speak on behalf of The Capital-Journal regarding this work, or even to reveal its existence for that matter. If you are taking any steps to develop a market or other interest in this work, you are required to cease immediately. Meanwhile, please advise Pete Goering at The Capital-Journal of any steps you have taken in this regard. Very truly yours, (Signature of Michael W. Merriam) Michael W. Merriam MWM:ah cc: Mr. Pete Goering (Note: This document contains the time stamp of the Clerk of the District Court, Shawnee County, Kansas showing the document was filed with the Clerk at 1:05 p.m. of June 29, 1994.) with Joe Taschler and Steve Fry (Note: The contents of the following document shows the time stamp of the Clerk of the District Court, Shawnee County, Kansas and shows that the document was filed at 1:05 p.m. on June 29, 1994.) "And be sure your sin will find you out." (Num. 32:23) A frequent quote of Pastor Fred Phelps CAST OF CHARACTERS AND PHELPS FAMILY TREE Reverend Fred Phelps: lawyer and Baptist minister; head of the Westboro Baptist Church; 64 years old. Disbarred. Marge Phelps: wife of Fred; mother of his 13 children; 68 years old. WBC member. 1. Fred Phelps, Jr.: lawyer and employee at the Kansas Department of Corrections; 40 years old. Oldest son. WBC member. Betty Phelps (Schurle): wife of Fred, Jr.; lawyer and owner-operator of a day-care home; 41 years old. WBC member. 2. *Mark Phelps: businessman in Southern California; estranged from the family cult; 39 years old. 2nd son. Luava Phelps (Sundgren): wife of Mark; childhood sweetheart; 36 years old. 3. Katherine Phelps: lawyer; suspended from the bar; living on welfare; 38 years-old; oldest daughter. Not in WBC. 4. Margie Phelps: lawyer and employee of the Kansas Department of Corrections; 37 years old; 2nd daughter. WBC member. 5. Shirley Phelps-Roper: lawyer at Phelps Chartered; 36 years old; 3rd daughter. WBC member. Brent Roper: husband of Shirley; lawyer and businessman in Topeka; 30 years old; WBC member. 6. Nate Phelps: businessman in Southern California; estranged from family cult; 35 years old. 3rd son. 7. Jonathon Phelps: lawyer; 4th son; 34 years old; WBC member. Paulette Phelps (Ossiander): wife of Jonathon; 33 years old; high school graduate; WBC member. 8. Rebekah Phelps-Davis: lawyer at Phelps Chartered; 32 years old; 4th daughter; WBC member. Chris Davis: husband to Rebekah; 38 years old; raised from childhood in the WBC. 9. Elizabeth Phelps: lawyer at Phelps Chartered; night house manager staff at Sheltered Living, Inc. Topeka; 31 years old; 5th daughter; WBC member. Former counsel for the Shawnee County Sheriff's Department. 10. Timothy Phelps: lawyer and employee of the Shawnee County Department of Corrections; 30 years old; 5th son; WBC member. Lee Ann Phelps (Brown): wife of Timothy; lawyer and employee of Shawnee County Sheriff's Department; 27 years old; WBC member. 11.Dorotha Bird (Phelps): lawyer practicing independently in Topeka; 6th daughter; not a WBC member; changed her last name to avoid family's notoriety. 29 years old. 12. Rachel Phelps: lawyer at Phelps Chartered; YMCA fitness instructor; 28 years old; 7th daughter; WBC member. 13. Abigail Phelps: lawyer and employee at SRS-Youth and Adult Services, Juvenile Offender Program; 25 years old; 8th daughter; WBC member. OTHERS Fred Wade Phelps: the Rev. Phelps' father; he lived in Meridian, Mississippi. He was a railroad bull. Catherine Idalette Phelps (Johnson): the Rev. Phelps' mother; she died when he was a small child. Martha Jean Capron (Phelps): the Rev. Phelps' only sibling; a former missionary to Indonesia, she now lives in Pennsylvania; the brother and sister have not spoken for years. *Denotes a Phelps child who has left the family cult. (Note: The next portion of Exhibit A contains some handwritten notes denoting ages of the Phelps' children, some names of some of the non-Phelps WBC members (George Stutzman, Charles Hockenbarger, Jennifer Hockenbarger, and Charles Hockenbarger), names of some of the Phelps' grandchildren (Benjamin, Sharon, Sara, Libby, Jacob, Sam, and Josh), and 2 items pasted onto the document which are published documents showing the Phelps family tree and a map of the area surrounding Meridian, Mississippi.) He rang the doorbell. It was winter, and with his thick gloves he could barely feel the button. No answer. He waited. A cat, caught like him on this cold night outside, walked along the porch rail. Toward him. He watched it. In the street behind them a solitary car passed. Like urban sleigh bells, the chains on its tires chimed rhythmic into the pounded street snow. No one was home. The cat. Was rubbing against his leg. He set the candy down and picked it up. It purred. And purred more when he tucked it under his warm arm. Like a football. Against his thick coat. He could see into its eyes. Up close. He liked it that way. When he wrapped his thick fingers round its tiny neck... Pinning its legs against his side, he slowly squeezed, watching the eyes widen in alarm. Feeling it push against him. Desperately struggle. For a long time struggle. Watching. The lids droop slowly down. The light pass from the eyes. He let go. Another car rattled metal links by in the snow. Watching the light return. The animal terror that followed. Flooding the look in those helpless eyes. It pierced his soul. A shock wave of remorse flamed hot. In all his cells he could feel it. Guilt. Or was it love. Yes, warm love for this tiny being. But... I want to do it. Again. Now. Yes, I want to know what it's like once more. He squeezed the cat's thin neck. And when it has succumbed, he felt the same pity again warm flooding him. And only horror at himself. As he did it once more. And when it was over he... But this time the cat mustered the last of its tiny animal ferocity and writhed free. He felt...watching it streak away...he felt jarred awake somehow...as it ran from him...yes, he was awake now... And terrified Had anyone seen him? Would they know? In a panic he ran Home to his father's house... CHAPTER ONE "Introductions All Around" A TIME magazine article from 1950 hangs framed on the wall. It's about a college student's crusade against necking on a campus in Southern California. That student's office in Kansas today is aclack with fax machines and ringing phones, but the chair behind the great mahogany desk is empty. When the former campus evangelist finally bursts in, he is trailed by grandchildren-so many sixth-grade secretaries-gophering, sending faxes, fetching papers-and a glass of water for the reporter. Thoughtful. It's 93 outside. "Sit down," says Fred Phelps, rumored ogre, with an effusive Southern graciousness. "But I got to tell you, you know we're going to preach the word, the same thing I've been preaching for 46 years, and it's supremely, supremely irrelevant to us what anybody thinks or says. "You get a little bit of this message I'm preaching, you can't ask for anything more. God hates fags-that's a synopsis." Phelps, 63, a disbarred lawyer and Baptist preacher from Mississippi, is on a mission from God. His face lights up like a kid's on Christmas morning when he talks about how the nation is reacting to his anti- homosexual campaign. He contends the Bible supports the death penalty for sodomy: "I'm not urging anybody to kill anybody," he adds, then matter-of-factly explains how his interpretation of the Bible calls for precisely that: "The death penalty was violently carried out by God on a massive scale when the biblical cities of Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed by fire and brimstone," says Phelps. "I am inclined to the view that the closer man's laws come to God's laws, the better off our race will be." Phelps has found the national spotlight by disrupting the mourners' grieving at the funerals of AIDS victims. His followers carry picket signs outside the services with such stone-hearted messages as GOD HATES FAGS and FAGS 3DDEATH. Last spring, he and his tiny band traveled to Washington, D.C., to taunt the gay parade, creating a near-riot. Since then, Phelps has been the subject of a 20-20 segment, appeared on the Jane Whitney Show twice to mock homosexuals, and is now regularly interviewed on both Christian and secular radio across America. Fred Phelps, pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church in the Kansas capital of Topeka, since 1990 has also been an unsuccessful candidate for mayor, governor, and United States Senator. Currently he is negotiating his own radio show-one that will be heard throughout the Midwest. His message is simple: God hates most everybody and He's sending them all to hell. Makes no difference how they lived their life. For the Pastor Phelps, except for a handful of 'elect', the human race is composed of depraved beasts. God hates these creatures and so do His favored few. The world is divided sharply and irreversibly between the multitude of the already-damned (called the reprobate or the Adamic Race) and those chosen by God to attend Him in heaven. Those selected to be elect were tapped, not for the rectitude of their lives, but by what could best be described as the Supreme Whim of the Deity. While this is the theology of predestination, one that in less vengeful minds is a mainstay of many Protestant sects, in Fred Phelps' mind it has become a green light to hatred and cruelty. Recently, Pastor Phelps has added a corollary to this thesis that God hates the human race: God reserves His most pure and profound hatred for the homosexuals among the Adamic race. At 63, Phelps is a triathlon competitor who bikes or runs every day. The strongest thing he drinks is what he calls his 'vitamin C cocktail', consisting of Vitamin C, Diet Pepsi, and water. The pastor basks in the heat of the outrage triggered by his campaign against homosexuals. "If you're preaching the truth of God, people are going to hate you," he grins. "Nobody has the right to think he's preaching the truth of God unless people hate him for it. All the prophets were treated that way." Phelps delivers this with all the drama, fire, and brimstone of a man who used to be a trial lawyer and is still a preacher. His voice and tone are spellbinding and chilling. He doesn't stumble over his words. Clearly, he believes he is a modern day prophet. Phelps says he and his family have been hated and persecuted almost from the time they arrived in Topeka in 1954. "The more opposition we get, the more committed we get," says Liz Phelps, one of the pastor's daughters. "Nothing, short of the elimination of homosexuality in the world, will make us stop," announces the pastor. In an unexpected reprieve from the anticipated 'sodomite' label pasted on all who disagree-especially the press-the former vacuum cleaner salesman gives his visitor a warm smile and immediately takes to calling him warmly by his first name. He leads a brief tour through his church. It adjoins his office: a long room, with a low ceiling and a rusty red carpet and dark, oaken pews. It has enough seating for twice the current congregation of 51. The reporter asks to go to the bathroom. A stocky teenage grandson with training in judo is sent along. He waits outside, no dummy, for the reporter to finish. Then it's upstairs to the study, a high, spacious room filled with books of biblical exegesis dating back to the Reformation. Fred is eager to prove his Bible scholarship, and perhaps frustrated, even contemptuous, when he realizes he is talking to a Bible-ho-hum humanist. Downstairs, the pastor leads to the garage where their wardrobe of picket signs is kept. Stacked high against the walls are messages for every occasion-all of them gloomy. No good news here. Outside, one would never guess they were at a church. Westboro Baptist is actually a large home in a comfortable Topeka neighborhood. In fact, Phelps and his wife have lived in the house for almost 40 years, and raised their 13 children within its walls. For many years, his law office was also located in the residence Fred Phelps insists is still his 'church'. The pastor's large family has always composed nearly all of his congregation and loyal following. As his children grew up, they bought the adjoining houses on the block, creating a tight compound around the church. Today, one finds a citadel of modest homes joined by fences, sharing a common backyard. In a small revolution in urban design, the space behind their houses has not been sub-divided, but made into a wide grass park, complete with swimming pool, ball court, and trampoline. The grandchildren wander from their separate houses to play together. The effect on the nervous reprobates outside the walls is a sense of Waco in the air. >From his compound, like a knight sallying forth from the Crusaders' citadel of Krak, Pastor Phelps and his child band make war on the Adamic race. When not doing TV talk shows, radio interviews, or appearing on the cover of the national gay magazine, The Advocate, Phelps lays siege to his hometown, nearby Kansas City, and local universities. The Westboro congregation pickets public officials, private businesses, and other churches, many of whom have had only tenuous connection to some form of anti-Phelps criticism. Until a city ordinance was passed against it, the Westboro warriors even picketed their opponents' homes. For the last two years, this tiny group, by virtue of their tactics, dedication, and discipline, have held the Kansas capital hostage. Fred Phelps has been able to intimidate most of the residents of Topeka into a fearful silence, though he himself is a shrill and vigorous defender of his own First Amendment rights. Those who would disagree with his brutal remedies to his perception of social ills face a three-fold attack: Lawsuits: If the rest of America has justly come to fear the anonymous lone nut with a gun, it has yet to experience a community of eccentrics stockpiling law degrees. Picketing: One prominent restaurant in Topeka is now failing after being picketed daily for almost a year. "Patrons just got tired of the harassment," sighs the owner. The cause of the pickets? One of the restaurant's employees is a lesbian. Faxes: Phelps has gone to court and won on his right to fax daily almost 300 public officials, private offices, and the media with damaging and embarrassing information from the private lives of his opponents-most of it false, wild, and unsubstantiated. One city councilwoman was called a "Jezebelian, switch-hitting whore" who had sex with several men at once. A police officer saw his name faxed all over town as a child molester, one who had lured young boys to a park outside the city and had sex with them in his patrol car. Despite his daughter Margie's assertions that Phelps has the evidence to prove such accusations 'big time', no such proof has ever emerged. Over the weeks, one learns about the family. Of Fred's 13 children, nine remain in the community. Five of them are married and raising 24 grandchildren. All of the members of Westboro Baptist-children, in-laws, and grandchildren- participate in the pastor's anti-gay campaign. Despite their image from the pickets, most of the adults are friendly and socially accomplished. Each of them has a law degree, and some have additional postgraduate degrees in business or public administration. The adults pay taxes, meet bills, and obey the laws. The grandchildren are perhaps less demonstrative than most children, but in an earlier day that was called well-behaved. Many of their parents hold or have held important jobs in local and state agencies. The pastor's first-born, Fred, Jr., and his wife, Betty, were guests at the Clinton inauguration. The former northeast Kansas campaign manager for Al Gore in 1988 has a stack of VIP photos, such as the one of him, Betty, Al and Tipper, and even soon-to- be Kansas governor Joan Finney smiling and yucking it up at the Phelps' place just a few years ago. Clearly these are not street corner flakes taken to carrying signs. The only discordant note here is the Pastor Phelps, pacing about in his lycra shorts and windbreaker, looking like a triathlon competitor who made a wrong turn, ended in a bad neighborhood, and had his bike stolen. But he can easily be discounted while listening to his wife reveal just exactly how she managed to raise those thirteen kids. How? Well, for starters, the woman born Margie Simms of Carrollton, Missouri, had nine brothers and sisters herself. Her own tribe she raised by the same five rules she grew up under: keep their faces clean, their hands clean, and their clothes clean; keep the house clean and keep 'em fed. No Game Boys, college funds, and cars on sixteenth birthdays. She did most of the cooking at first, and her grocery bill, she estimates, would be over two thousand a month today. Many of the 24 grandchildren still spend time at Gramp's house, she said, and their food costs are over a thousand a month, even now. Mrs. Phelps smiles. Before the kids got old enough to be finicky, she could fill one tub and bathe them all, then line them up to brush their teeth and clean their fingernails. They had six bedrooms furnished with bunkbeds, and everyone wore hand-me-downs. Her laundry pile was so huge, she needed two washers and two dryers: "I'm afraid that Maytag repairman wasn't lonely with us. He was always out at our house. We went through washers and dryers every three years. They worked all day long. "The part I dreaded most about raising so many children? When they were sick. Then you had to pay all your attention to that one-and hope the others would make out all right." Later, she adds, the older kids took over most of the chores and her job became considerably easier. The children used to listen to their father preach twice on Sunday, says daughter Margie. Once at eleven and again at seven that evening. "But there's too many conflicting schedules now. So we only have the one sermon at eleven-thirty," Margie tells how their household was abuzz with political bull sessions. All the candidates and wannabes came through there: "My dad was complete activity and whirlwind. My mom was the calm at the center of the storm. She's the one who inspired our closeness. Getting us to look out for our brothers and sisters; bond with each other." Mrs. Phelps describes how everyone had to take piano lessons. They had two pianos in the garage and three in the house. (Chopsticks in fugue-five as a backdrop to any childhood might explain why the adults seem so tense today.) Margie tells of their family choir. How they practiced a cappella and harmony. Even today, their counter-protestors grudgingly admit the Phelps sound good when they raise their collective voice in hymn from across the street. Once for their father's birthday, says Margie, the children learned to harmonize "One Tin Soldier", the theme song from the film, "Billy Jack". She laughs at the memory. "He was of two minds about that: flattered that we'd done it. And not too pleased by the lyrics. ("...go ahead and hate your neighbor...go ahead and cheat a friend...do it in the name of heaven...you'll be justified in the end... ") "We had good times...lots of good times," says Mrs. Phelps. "I would not have had any other childhood but that one," adds her daughter. If they're not holding harassing signs saying, 'God Hates Fags', calling deaf old dowagers 'sodomite whores', or bristling at startled churchgoers, Fred's kids are back at home being model parents and neighbors, attending PTOs and Clinton coronations. The stark contrast of the two masks-decent and repulsive, hateful and considerate, forthright and devious, stupid and clever-creates a polarity that begins to weigh on the observer. Contrasts frequently are the visible edge of contradiction. And contradictions sometimes arise from very deep and secret undercurrents. Currents of pain. One day in the pickup with the pastor and his wife, driving the signs to the picket line, Fred suddenly jams on the brakes and pulls over. "Why'd you do that?" asks the mother of 13. "We're gonna make sure those kids are safe," the pastor replies. The objects of his concern are in the yard across the street. There is absolutely no chance he could have hit them. It's odd and unnecessary and exaggerated behavior. His wife knows it; even the children know it-they've pulled back and are watching the truck suspiciously. Mrs. Phelps gives her husband a strange look. As if she had some secret knowledge. It's obvious Fred intended this as an awkward display of altruism for the press. The message is: "The pastor loves kids". But the message one gets is a warning from Hamlet: "The play's the thing wherein we'll catch the conscience of the king." Because that boy, now a man, ran home to his father's house. The house of Fred Phelps. Where all good things end. Where any family counselor will assert that a child who strangles pets has almost certainly been brutalized as well. CHAPTER TWO "Daddy's Hands" Mark Phelps feels nauseated whenever he remembers that night. He was hit over 60 times and his brother, Nate, over 200 with a mattock handle. Nate went into shock. Mark didn't. A boy who became a compulsive counter to handle the stress, Mark counted every stroke. His and Nate's. While their father screamed obscenities and his brother screamed in pain. Every 20 strokes, their mother wiped their faces off in the tub. Nate passed out anyway. That was Christmas Day. Though he believes he should be the next governor of Kansas, Pastor Phelps has never believed in Christmas. A mattock is a pick-hoe using a wooden handle heavier than a bat. Fred swung it with both hands like a ballplayer and with all his might. "The first blow stunned your whole body," says Mark. "By the third blow, your backside was so tender, even the lightest strike was agonizing, but he'd still hit you like he wanted to put it over the fence. By 20, though, you'd have grown numb with pain. That was when my father would quit and start on my brother. Later, when the feeling had returned and it hurt worse than before, he'd do it again. "After 40 strokes, I was weak and nauseous and very pale. My body hurt terribly. Then it was Nate's turn. He got 40 each time. "I staggered to the bathtub where my mom was wetting a towel to swab my face. Behind me, I could hear the mattock and my brother was choking and moaning. He was crying and he wouldn't stop." The voice in the phone halts. After an awkward moment, clearing of throats, it continues: "Then I heard my father shouting my name. My mom was right there, but she wouldn't help me. It hurt so badly during the third beating that I kept wanting to drop so he would hit me in the head. I was hoping I'd be knocked out, or killed...anything to end the pain. "After that...it was waiting that was terrible. You didn't know if, when he was done with Nate, he'd hurt you again. I was shaking in a cold panic. Twenty-five years since it happened, and the same sick feeling in my stomach comes back now..." Did he? Come back to you? "No. He just kept beating Nate. It went on and on and on. I remember the sharp sound of the blows and how finally my brother stopped screaming... "It was very quiet. All I could think of was would he do that to me now. I could see my brother lying there in shock, and I knew in a moment it would be my turn. "I can't describe the basic animal fear you have in your gut at a time like that. Where someone has complete power over you. And they're hurting you. And there is no escape. No way out. If your mom couldn't help you...I can't explain it to anyone except perhaps a survivor from a POW camp." Last year, Nate Phelps, sixth of Pastor Phelps' 13 children, accused his father of child abuse in the national media. The information was presented as a footnote to the larger story of Fred Phelps' anti-gay campaign. But the deep currents that lie beneath the apparent apple-cheeks of the Phelps' clan were stirring. A series of interviews with Nate resulted in an eyewitness account of life growing up in the Phelps camp. These reports contained allegations of persistent and poisonous child abuse, wife-beating, drug addiction, kidnapping, terrorism, wholesale tax fraud, and business fraud. In addition, Nate described the cult-like disassembly of young adult identities into shadow-souls, using physical and emotional coercion- coercion which may have been a leading factor in the suicide of an emotionally troubled teenage girl. The second son, Mark Phelps, who according to his sisters was at one time heir to the throne of Fred, had refused comment during the earlier spate of news coverage. He and Nate have both left the Westboro congregation and now live within four blocks of each other on the West Coast. But, like the icy water that waits off sunny California beaches, the deepest currents sometimes rise and now Mark has surfaced with a decision. "My father," says the 39 year-old, now a parent himself, "is addicted to hate. Why? I can't say. But I know he has to let it out. As rage. In doing so, he has violated the sacred trust of a parent and a pastor. "I'm not trying to hurt my father. And I'm not trying to save him. I'm going to tell what happened because I've decided it's the only way I can overcome my past: to drag it into the light and break its chains." Mark believes that Fred Phelps, no longer able to hate and abuse his adult children if he hopes to keep them near, by necessity now must turn all his protean anger outward against his community. Mark has decided to tell the truth about his father so that others will be warned. He and his brother have now come forward with specific and detailed stories, alarming tales, ones that could be checked and have been verified. Mark's testimony supports Nate's previously, and both men's statements have been confirmed by a third Phelps' child. In addition, the Capital- Journal has uncovered documents which substantiate this testimony, and interviewed dozens of relevant witnesses who have confirmed much of this information. "One of my earliest memories...," the voice in the phone pauses, painful to remember: "was the big ol' German shepherd that belonged to our neighbors. One day it was in our yard and my father went out and blew it apart with his shotgun." Mark says he has no memories prior to age five. "Living in that house was like being in a war zone, where things were unpredictable and things were very violent. And there was a person who was violent who did what he wanted to do. And that was to hurt people, or break things, or throw a fit, or whatever he wanted to do, that's what he did. And there was nobody there to say different." One day when Mark was a teenager, he came home to find his mom sitting on the lip of the tub, blue towel on her head, her lips pursed with anger and hurt. "Do you know what your father did today?" she asked. To Mark, it felt surreal. His mother never spoke out nor vented her emotions. She seemed quite different just then. He looked at his father. Pastor Phelps was standing across the room with his arms folded, smiling (the bathtub was in the parents' bedroom). "No," said Mark. "I don't know." His mother stood up and whipped the towel down her side. "He chopped my hair off," she announced, tears coming to her eyes. The son stood aghast at the grotesque head before him. His mother's former waist-length hair had been shorn to two inches- and even that showed ragged gouges down to the white of the scalp. "Why?" he asked. "Your father says I wasn't in subjection today," she replied. According to Mark and Nate, all of the Phelps children were terrified of their father: "Usually we had to worry what mood we'd find him in after school. You didn't make any noise or racket, or cut- up; you had to walk on eggshells, tiptoe around him; you didn't fight with your siblings; you did your jobs, performed your assigned tasks, and hoped not to draw his attention." If you did draw it and he was in a foul mood, say the boys, summary punishment at the hands of the dour pastor involved being beaten with fists, kicked in the stomach, or having one's arm twisted up and behind one's back till it nearly dislocated. Sometimes Pastor Phelps preferred to grab one child by their little hands and haul them into the air. Then he would repeatedly smash his knee into their groin and stomach while walking across the room and laughing. The boys remember this happening to Nate when he was only seven, and to Margie and Kathy even after they were sexually developed teenagers. Nate recalls being taken into the church once where his father, a former golden gloves boxer, bent him backwards over a pew, body-punched him, spit in his face, and told him he hated him. Mark's very first memory in this life is an emotional scar: their mom had gone to the hospital to give birth to Jonathon. Mark remembers being very upset, since now they would be alone in the house with their father, his threatening presence left unmitigated by her maternal concern. Though only five, already Mark could use the phone and, one day while his father was out he dialed the number she'd left. When he heard her voice, he told her, "Mom, I'm scared. I need you." But before she could respond, the Pastor Phelps came on. He had gone to visit the new mother. "What the hell are you doing calling here?" the father shouted into the phone. "Don't you ever call here and bother her again!" That is Mark Phelps' earliest memory. That, and the feeling, when his father hung up, that there would be no rescue and no escape from the fear and pain contained in the word, 'daddy'. When Fred Phelps came home, he beat the little boy's first memory of the world in to stay. From that moment, Mark whispers softly in the phone, "I resolved to be a total yes-man to my father. If I couldn't escape his violence, then I'd get so close to him he wouldn't see me. I'd survive that way." "We had clothes and food," adds Nate. "What we didn't have was safety. He could throw fits and rages at any moment. When he did, the kids would respond by turning pale and shaking, standing there shivering and listening-Mark would pace and count the squares in the floor." "But I learned exactly what I had to do...to stay safe around him," continues Mark. I did a good job of it." He admits he used to beat his brothers and sisters if his father ordered him: "If you fell asleep in church, you got hit in the face. Once I hit Nate so hard, it knocked over the pew and blood splurt across the floor." After a moment, he tells us quietly: "My brothers and sisters are entitled to hate me." Physical abuse? Nonsense, say sisters Margie and Shirley. They laugh. Well, maybe during their father's period of preoccupation with health food. Every morning they were required to eat nuts and vitamins, curds and whey. "I hate nuts," says Margie "We'd take the vitamins and drop them in our pockets. Throw them out later." She adds: "Little Abby was the only one who liked curds and whey. Poor kid. She'd have to eat every bowl on the table when my dad wasn't looking." Against this charming story is set another. For all her reputation as a minotaur of the Kansas courtrooms, Margie Phelps was like a second mom to the younger children. Today, she remains well-liked by her siblings, including Mark and Nate. When her father was beating someone and screaming at the top of his lungs, frequently Margie would take her terrified younger brothers and sisters away for several hours. When they thought it was over, they'd come back like cautious house cats, sneaking in softly, Margie on point, to see if the coast was clear. The boys tell how one day their father was in a barbershop and noticed the leather strap used to sharpen razors. It struck his fancy as a backup to the mattock handle, so he had one custom-made at a leatherworker's shop near Lane and Huntoon. "It was about two feet long and four inches wide. It left oval circles- red, yellow, and blue," says Mark. "Usually the circles would be where it would snap the tip-on the outside of your right leg and hip...because he was righthanded." According to Mark and Nate, their father wore out several of the leathermaker's straps while they were growing up. As Mark Phelps became the angel-appointed in Fred's family cult, Nate was assigned the role of sinner. For Mark, his brother was the needed scapegoat. For the rest of the family, Nate was a problem child, the delinquent of the brood. Brilliant like his dad (Nate's IQ has been measured at 150), the middle son followed another drummer from the time he was a toddler. When he was five, he remembers his father telling him, 'I'm going to keep a special eye on you'. The regular beatings started shortly thereafter. Nate endured literally hundreds of such brutalities before walking out at one minute after midnight on his eighteenth birthday. His siblings both inside and outside the church agree that Nate got the lion's share of the 'discipline'. "Nate was a very tough kid," says Mark. "I don't know how he endured it, but he did. He'd get 40 blows at a time from the mattock handle. He was just tougher than the rest of us and my father adjusted for that." Today, raising his family in California, Nate is a devout Christian and a warm, friendly, considerate, mountain of a man. But at 6'4" and 280 pounds, it would be...instructive...to see father and son in the same room today with one mattock stick between them. "I sensed early on this man had no love for us," says Nate. "He was using us. I knew it. And I always made sure he knew I did." in fact, Mark adds, Nate's obstinate resistance so angered his father that, by age nine, when a family outing had been planned, frequently Nate not only missed it, but Fred would remain behind with him. "And during the course of the day, my father would beat Nate whenever the spirit moved him. " Mark remembers the family coming back once to find Pastor Phelps jogging around the dining room table, beating the sobbing boy with a broom handle; while doing so, he was alternately spitting on the frightened child and chuckling the same sinecure laugh so disturbing to those who've seen him on television. When he wasn't allowed to go along, says Mark, "Nate would literally scream and chase mom as she drove off with us kids in the car. He knew what was coming after we left." The older brother remembers the little one racing alongside the windows, begging for them not to leave him until, like a dog, he could no longer keep up. Mark sorrowfully admits he felt no empathy for him, only relief it wasn't happening to himself. "I just stared straight ahead. I didn't know what he was yelling about. I was just glad to get the hell out of there." But how could their mom tolerate that? Wouldn't the maternal instinct cut in at some point? Wouldn't the lioness turn in fury to protect her cub? It turns out Mrs. Phelps was herself an abused child, according to her sons. "The only thing she ever told us about her dad was that he was a drunkard who beat them. She said she'd always run and hide in the watermelon patch when he was raging." Though most of her nine brothers and sisters either settled in Kansas City or remained in rural Missouri, Mrs. Phelps has had virtually no contact with them during the last 40 years. Not since she married Fred. "My father was very effective at jamming Bible verses down her throat about wives being in subjection to their husbands," Nate says. "She was a small woman and very gentle. She felt God had put her with Fred and she had to endure." "Oh, mom would try to interfere," adds Mark. "She'd come running out, finally, into the church auditorium as the beating would escalate, and yell wildly, 'Fred, stop it!" You're going to kill him!' "And then my father would turn on her. I remember him screaming, 'Oh, so you want me to just let them go, huh? You don't believe in discipline, huh? Why don't you just shut your goddam mouth before I slap you? Get your fat hussy ass out of here! I'm warning you, goddamit, you either shut up or I'm going to beat you!' "And then," Mark continues, "she'd shut up till she couldn't take it anymore, then she'd start again. When she did, he'd start beating her and hitting her with his fist, and sometimes she'd just come up and grab him. Sometimes she'd run out the front door, and sometimes he'd just slap her and beat her until she'd shut up. "I can remember times when she'd get hit so hard, it looked like she'd be knocked out, and she'd stagger and almost fall. She would give out this desperate scream right at the moment when he would hit her. "Sometimes, after he'd get done beating her, he'd have forgotten about the kid. Sometimes he'd go back to the kids and beat even harder. Then he'd blame the kid for what had happened." The phone line falls silent. "Out in public," recalls Nate, "she wore sunglasses a lot." Mrs. Phelps was beaten even when she wasn't interfering. After Nate and Kathy, the boys figure their mom was victimized the most. They remember their father finishing one session by throwing her down the stairs from the second floor. "It had 16 steps," says Mark. "And no rail," continues Nate. "Mom grabbed at the stairs going over and tore the ligaments and cartilage in her right shoulder. The doctor said she needed surgery, but my father refused. We had no medical insurance back then. She's had a bad shoulder ever since. My father often chose that same shoulder to re-injure when he was beating mom. He'd grab her right arm and jerk it. She'd yelp." The voice in the phone sighs: "But...I guess I do still feel that very deeply...that she betrayed a gut, primitive bond when she drove off and left me. I do love my mom. But I wish she'd put a stop to it. She could have and she didn't." Pastor Phelps denies beating his children or his wife. "Hardly a word of truth to that stuff. You know, it's amazing to me that even one of them stayed." He grins, referring to the nine daughters and sons who remain loyal to him. Why? "Because teachers have the kids from age five. And children are besieged by their own lusts and foreign ideas. "Those boys (Mark and Nate) didn't want to stay in this church. It was too hard. They took up with girls they liked, and the last thing them girls was gonna do was come into this church. "Those boys wanted to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season. I can't blame them. I just feel sorry for them that they're not bound for the promised land." Margie is the second-oldest daughter and the fourth Phelps child. Her mom goes by 'Marge", so she is 'Margie'. Some say Margie is the de facto head of operations for her father's war on the community. Anticipating bad reviews from Nate, at least, she explained: "My brother is furious with his father because he (Nate) is married to another man's wife. My dad and our whole family do not accept that." On the abuse issue, her denials take a softer tone: "There were times in our childhood when each of us had bruises on our behinds. My dad had a capacity to go too far. In what he said even more than what he did...yet, as obnoxious as he can be one minute, he's the most kind, caring person another minute. "I have a marvellous relationship with my father as an adult. He respects me. He listens to me. And he helps me. Most people, when they get older, they don't have that kind of relationship with their parents." Margie, as a single woman, adopted a new-born infant boy nine years ago. "Jacob doesn't have a father," she says, "and my dad fills in there. He's one of Jacob's best friends. He's just a wonderful grandfather to him." For his part, Nate remembers Marge bringing home bad grades one day and going running to avoid a beating. When she got back, she was in an exhausted state. Fred beat her anyway. So badly, she lost consciousness and lay in a heap on the floor. The Pastor Phelps kicked his daughter repeatedly in the head and stomach while she out. "I saw her interviewed on television," adds Nate. "And she said we weren't abused, just strictly brought up." He was concerned when he heard her say that: "If she remembers that as a 'strict upbringing', then there's no moral suasion there for her not to 'strictly bring up' her own child, the adopted Jacob. "Nate would have ended in the penitentiary without his father's discipline," says his mother. "I believe it's him who's the bitter one. He needed a lot of discipline." That's fair. All large families have a black sheep. But this one has four: Nate and Mark rebelled, accepting they'd be turned back from the gates of heaven by their father who was acting as St. Peter's proxy. They later received an official letter from the Westboro Baptist Church, informing them they had been 'voted out of the church and delivered to Satan for the destruction of the flesh'. Katherine and Dottie suffered the same fate but continue to reside in Topeka. "Dottie only cares about her career," says her mom. "Family is an embarrassment." And Kathy? "She's been a bitch since high school," says Margie. "Mark," reflects Mrs. Phelps, "was always well-behaved. Of the ones who left, he was a surprise." According to Mark and Nate, fathering to Pastor Phelps meant the rod and the pulpit. "My dad never once stood with me, or sat with me, or worked with me to teach me anything about the practical life of a Christian," says Mark. "It was just preach on Sunday. There was no focus on the human heart or being a human-you know, how we were supposed to do that." When it came to their formal education as well, Fred's input to the curriculum was limited to the rod and the wrath of God. "Our dad had no use for education. He wanted us all to be lawyers, and for that we needed good grades. But he would sneer at our subjects, never helped us with our homework, never went to any school meetings and skipped our graduations. All he cared about were the grades. On the day they arrived, that was the one day he got involved in our education-usually with the mattock." "The only time he met our teachers," adds Nate, "was when he was suing them ." Mark remembers a day when the boys had gathered in one room to do their homework. They'd been working quietly for some time when the dour pastor walked in. After staring in simmering malevolence at each of them, he intoned: "You guys think you may be foolin' me. But on a cold snowy day, the snow will be crunchin' under the mailman's tires, and under his boots, when he puts that letter in our box. Your grades. And that's when the meat's gonna get separated from the coconut..." When the report cards arrived from Landon Middle School one day in January, 1972, it wasn't snowing. But Jonathon and Nate's grades were poor and the meat got separated from the coconut. The beatings were so severe, the boys were covered with massive, broken, purple bruising extending from their buttocks to below their knees. Neither Jonathon or Nate were able to sit down, and the blows to the backs of their legs had caused so much swelling they were unable to bend them. Today, Nate has chronic knee complaints whose origin may lie in early trauma to the cartilage. And after the beatings came the shaming. It was 1972-the age of shoulder locks. Both boys had begged their father not to have crewcuts. They already felt exposed to enough ridicule as the odd ducks whose father didn't believe in Christmas, whose home no one was allowed to visit, and who were forbidden to visit others' homes. Jonathon and Nate had a teenage dread of braving the corridors with flesh-heads in an era of long manes, and their father had relented. Their hair had been allowed to touch their collars. But when the grades turned bad, out came the clippers. No attachments. Brutally short. Shaved bald. "It was not a haircut," says Nate. "It was a penalty. And a further way of cutting us off from the outside world." On the following day-a Thursday-the boys came to school wearing red stocking caps. When asked to remove them in class, they declined. This upset their teachers almost as much as their refusal to take their seats. One instructor demanded Nate remove his headgear. Finally, Nate did. The teacher stared at his bald head. So did his classmates. "On second thought," said the charitable man, "put it back on." For gym class that Friday, the boys had a note from their mom excusing them all week. By now, the faculty had a pretty good idea what the clothes, notes, and funny hats were covering, and Principal Dittemore asked Jonathon to come into his office. Waiting for him were the school nurse and a doctor from the community. They asked the 13 year-old to show them his bruises. He refused. Feeling their hands were tied, the staff released Jonathon, only to have the pastor himself show up a few hours later. During a stormy second meeting, Phelps accused the school, first of slackness and poor discipline, then, paradoxically, of beating his sons and causing the bruising themselves. He threatened to slap a lawsuit on anyone who pursued the matter. Not a man to be intimidated, Dittemore reported the suspected child abuse to an officer of the Juvenile Court. On Monday, the same routine occurred-unable to sit down and insisting on the stocking caps. Until it came time for gym once more. The note had excused them for a week, but now the coach demanded they show it again, saying he'd thought it was only for a day. The boys had left their note at home. The coach took Nate into the locker room and stood there, waiting for him to get undressed. Nate refused. At that point, the faculty relented, and Jonathon and Nate thought they were off the hook. But, as they walked out of Landon to their mom's station wagon after school, they saw two police cars waiting. One of the teachers pointed the boys out to the officers. Before he knew it, Nate was in a squad car on his way downtown. "I was terrified. Not because I was afraid of the police. I was afraid of my dad. I kept thinking it was all over but the funeral. What would my old man do? This was my fault and he was going to beat the daylight out of me and I could still barely walk from the last one." At the station, Nate remembers everyone was very kind to him. They spent an enormous amount of time and energy trying to allay his fears and coax him to allow them to photograph his naked backside. Finally he did. When the police allowed Mrs. Phelps to take her boys home, Nate's worst nightmare came true. After nearly getting arrested for delivering a tirade of obscenities and threats to the juvenile detectives, the dour pastor rushed back to the house and delivered a fresh beating to his exhausted sons. For the moment, however, it had gone beyond the pastor's control. Police detectives investigated the matter, and it was filed as juvenile abuse cases #13119 and #13120. Jonathon and Nate were assigned a court- appointed lawyer, as a guardian-ad-litem, to protect their interests. The assistant county attorney took charge of the cases, and juvenile officers were assigned to the boys. In his motion to dismiss, the ever-resourceful Phelps filed a pontifically sobering sermon on the value of strict discipline and corporal punishment in a good Christian upbringing. "When he beat us, he told us if it became a legal case, we'd pay hell," says Nate. "And we believed him. At that time, there was nothing we wanted to see more than those charges dropped. When the guardian ad litem came to interview us, we lied through our teeth." Principals involved in the case speculate the boys' statements, along with superiors' reluctance to tangle with the litigious pastor, caused the charges to be dropped. The last reason is not academic speculation. The Capital-Journal has learned through several sources that the Topeka Police Department's attitude toward the Phelps' family in the '70s and '80s was hands off-this guy's more trouble than it's worth'. Three months later, the case was dismissed upon the motion of the state. The reason given by the prosecutor was "no case sufficient to go to trial in opinion of state". The boys were selling candy in Highland Park when they learned from their mom during a rest break the Pastor Phelps would not go on trial for beating his children. "I felt elated," remembers Nate. "It meant at least I wouldn't get beaten for that." But if Nate's life was so full of pain and fear, why didn't he speak up when he was at the police station and everyone was being so nice to him? Nate laughs. It's the veteran's tolerant amusement at the novice's question. "We'll do anything not to have to give up our parents," he answers. "That's just the way kids are. That's the way we were." "Besides, when it (abuse) occurs since birth, it never even crosses your mind to fight back," interrupts Mark. "You know how they train elephants? They raise them tied to a chain in the ground. Later, it's replaced by a rope and a stick. But the elephant never stops thinking it's a chain." The loyal Phelps family are of two minds on the case. Margie admitted it had occurred. Jonathon denied it. The pastor never decided. Instead, he launched into a lecture on the value of tough love in raising good Christians. Since their juvenile files were destroyed when the boys reached eighteen, but for their father's vindictiveness, there might have been no record of this case. As it was, he sued the school. This caused the school's insurance company to request a statement from Principal Dittemore, who complied, describing the events which led to the faculty's concern the boys were being abused. The suit was dropped. When contacted in retirement, Dittemore confirmed he'd written the letter and acknowledged its contents. The family now accuses Nate of fabricating his stories of child abuse. They claim he is spinning these lies out of the malice he has over their opposition to his marriage (Nate's wife is divorced). But Nate was married in 1986. The described case of abuse was a matter of record 14 years earlier-and 21 years prior to Pastor Phelps' controversial debut on national television. The Phelps family has since maintained that, while the case did exist, the charges were invented by the school to harass their family. They say they were raised under loving but strict discipline, and that is how they're raising their children. Jonathon Phelps, who admits he beats his wife and four children, for emphasis reads from Proverbs, 13:24: "He that spareth his rod, hateth his son. But he that loveth him, chasteneth him betimes." Yes...but...where does it say the purple child is a child much-loved? Betty Phelps, wife of Fred, Jr., glowers at the questions. Anytime you spank a child, you're going to cause bruising, she explains. And sneers: "I'll bet your parents put a pillow in your pants." Jonathon, staring straight ahead and not looking at the reporter, states in a barely controlled voice of malevolent threat that, should the reporter tell it differently than just heard, said scribbler is evil and going to hell. Assuming there'll be space, the doomed dromedary of capital muckraking must tell it differently. To begin with, the reporters on this story were raised in the same era and locale as the Phelps boys. They also grew up under strict discipline, and one of their fathers was, at one time, a professional boxer. Daddy's hands sometimes swung a mean leather belt, but only a few strokes, and it left no bruises. After a few minutes, one could sit down again. The moving force behind the pastor's hands was not 'tough love', as he so often claims, but malice aforethought. The Capital- Journal has established from numerous sources conversant with the case that the injuries to Nate and Jonathon Phelps in January of 1972 went far beyond the bounds of a 'strict upbringing'-even by the standards of the strictest disciplinarian. Those injuries would have been seen as torture and abuse in any era, at any age, in any culture. Mark's front porch tale is instructive. Any psychologist hearing the story about choking that cat today would know immediately to investigate the child's home life for abuse. Back then it was not the case. That child would have been left to find his own way out of the terrible subterranean world another had made for him. Most don't. Research shows nine out of twelve die down there. In their heart. When the light in their soul goes out. If their bodies live on, they grow up mangled and mangle those closest to them. And it all takes shape down there. In the dark new universe of a young child's mind. Mark Phelps escaped. His father did not. That man came to the Kansas capital instead. And, after 40 years, he still haunts its porches, tormenting its innocents. The Capital-Journal went south...Mississippi...to see if it could learn where and when...perhaps how...the light went out for Fred Phelps. It followed him to Colorado and California, Canada and New Mexico. For three months, it turned every stone in Topeka, seeking the truth about this man. What follows is the monster behind the clown, the street corner malevolence mocking the cameras. CHAPTER THREE "God's Left Hook" The air hangs heavy, torpid, and hot. Pulling the warm steam into one's lungs leaves only a disturbing sense of slow suffocation. Under the harsh subtropic sun, the magnolia blossoms slip from the black-green leaves, falling like wet snow-petals to perfume the red-clay earth. In the heat, it leaves a heavy, hanging smell...the wealth of Dixie. Fred Phelps spent his first years here. Outside the courthouse, flags sag limp and breezeless. Above the doors are cut the words: Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness Against Thy Neighbor It's Meridian, Mississippi, town of old store fronts, mouthwatering cornbread, and 40,000 people. Surrounded by 100-foot pine forests, its business is lumber. Trucks and flatbed railcars loaded with freshly cut logs rolls slowly by. To the sensual fragrance of the magnolias is added the sweet aroma of pine. While great pyramids of logs await processing into lumber at the plant on the west side, Navy jets roar overhead...the other source of revenue. The federal government threatens to close the base down; the locals fight to keep it. Meridian was sacked by General Sheridan during the Civil War. The implacable bluecoat burned the town and tore up what, till then, had been a rail hub of the South. The town has since recovered. The railroad did not. In the cemeteries can be found gravestones of the Confederate dead. Among them, a more recent marker reads: Catherine Idalette Phelps, Age 28 Fred's mother used to open all the windows in the house and play the piano, according to Thetis Grace Hudson, former librarian in Meridian and a neighbor of the Phelps family during the Depression. The other households on her street were too poor to afford any entertainment, she says, so everyone remembered Catherine Phelps for her kindness. Apparently she played well. Whenever she was at their house, Hudson remembers she used to ask Mrs. Phelps to play the hymn "Love Lifted Me" on the piano. Fred's mother always obliged, even if she was busy. But, after an illness of several months-those who still remember the family say it was throat cancer-Catherine Phelps died on September 3, 1935. Fred was only five years old. Since the little boy's uncle was the mayor of nearby Pascagoula, and his father was prominent in Meridian, the honorary pallbearers at her funeral included the local mayor, a city councilman, two judges, and every member of the police department. Ms. Hudson says young Fred was bewildered at the loss. After his mother's death, a maternal great aunt, Irene Jordan, helped care for Fred and his younger sister, Martha Jean. "She kept house for the daddy," adds a distant relative who declined to be identified. At times, work caused the boy's father to be away from home and Jordan raised the children. The woman Fred Phelps has referred to as 'his dear old aunt' died in a head-on collision in 1951 as she was driving back to Meridian from a nearby town. The boy had lost two mothers before he'd turned 21. Family friends remember Fred's father was a tall, stately man. A true Southern gentlemen, they say. And a fine Christian. But the elder Phelps also had a hot temper, according to Jack Webb, 81, of Porterville, Miss. Webb owns a general store, the only business in Porterville, a town of about 45 elderly people. "If he got mad, he was mad all over," said Webb. He was ready to fight right quick. He was mad, mad, mad." Webb is a frail man, slightly hard of hearing. Walking into his general store is like stepping back into the 19th century. The shelves, all located behind a 100-foot wooden counter, are stocked with weary tins of Vienna sausage and dusty bottles of aspirin. Coke goes for 30 cents. Glass. No twist-off. Despite the temper, Webb adds, the elder Phelps was an honorable man. In Meridian, he had been an object of great respect. Fred's father was a veteran of World War One, and throughout his life suffered from the effects of a mustard gassing he'd taken in France. He found work as a detective for the Southern Railroad to support his family. The railroad security force or "bulls", as they were called, had a reputation for brutality when they patrolled the yards to prevent the itinerant laborers, washed out of their hometowns by the Depression, from riding the freights. "My father," says Pastor Phelps, "oft-times came home with blood all over him." Suddenly he stands up, turning his face away, and exits. Several minutes later he returns, smiling, apologizing: "You got me thinking about those days," he offers, then bravely charges into a round of the town's official song: "Meridian, Meridian... a city set upon a hill; Meridian, Meridian... that radiates the South's good will." The elder Phelps was a "bull" throughout the Depression, says Thetis Hudson, and the pay was good. The family lived comfortably at a time when the other families in town were being ravaged by hardship. What was the son like? "Fred Phelps had as normal and beautiful a home life as anyone ever wanted," commented a relative who didn't want their name used. "His childhood was very good," says Hudson. "There was nothing in his family out of the ordinary." "All I know is it's a tragedy, and it stems from within Fred Phelps," adds the anonymous relative, referring to the homosexual picketing. "It has nothing to do with his upbringing." As a teenager. Fred was tall and thin and sported a crewcut. He was extraordinarily smart, but thought to be a bit overbearing about it at times. A reserved and serious high school student, he never dated anyone while there. "He was not a real socializer, but he knew a lot of people. Everyone had the greatest respect for him," says Joe Clay Hamilton, former high-school classmate, now a Meridian lawyer. The future Pastor Phelps earned the rank of Eagle Scout with Palms, played coronet and base horn in the high school band, was a high hurdler on the track team, and worked as a reporter on the school's newspaper. In a class of 213 graduates, he ranked sixth. When he was voted class orator for commencement of May, 1946, received the American Legion Award for courage, leadership, scholarship, and service, then honored as his congressman's choice for West Point, Fred Phelps was only 16 years old. A year later this young man, touted as the quiet achiever, had turned his back on West Point, his former life, and his future promise. The summer of '47 would find him a belligerent and eccentric zealot, antagonizing the Mormons in the mountains of Utah. Because of his age, Phelps had to wait one fateful year before entering the military academy. During that time he attended the local junior college. While waiting for his life to start, Fred, along with his best friend, John Capron, went to a revival meeting at the local Methodist church. It was there the budding pastor felt the 'call', and the dreams of going north to West Point melted like the river ice washed down and marooned on the hot mud of the Mississippi banks. Fred Phelps, by his own description, "went to a little Methodist revival meeting and had what I think was an experience of grace, they call it down there. I felt the call, as they say, and it was powerful. The God of glory appeared. It doesn't mean a vision or anything, but it means an impulse on the heart, as the old preachers say." The revival had a profound effect on both Phelps and Capron. "The two of them 'got religion'," said Joe Hamilton. Friends and relatives claim the two boys became so excited, they were unable to distinguish reality from idealism-they were going off to conquer the world. One relative still in Meridian described it this way: "Fred, bless his heart, just went overboard. If you didn't accept it, he was going to cram it down your throat." Was this radical change in behavior a characteristic of the conversion experience? Or was there something hidden in the young man's character that drew him to the experience and its consequent license for loud and abusive behavior? If the latter, then some heart should be heard pounding beneath the floorboards in the old Phelps' house. Yet, there is little to be heard. Fletcher Rosenbaum, a retired lieutenant colonel in the U.S. Air Force who lives in Meridian, went to high school with Phelps. "He was good at whatever he tried," Rosenbaum says. "He was a first-class individual. I would be surprised if he wasn't a top-notch citizen in Topeka." Picketing AIDS funerals and the fax attacks on members of his community by Phelps surprised Rosenbaum: "He was very reserved in high school. Very quiet. I'm surprised he would be involved in aggressive activities. To me, it would be out of character for him." This observation may not be entirely accurate. One woman, a librarian at the Meridian Public Library, said she remembers Phelps and went to school and church with him. "He doesn't bend," she observed. "He never did." She also described him as "spooky", "different", and "a preacher prodigy." "You tell him not to do it, and he'll do it," said another Meridian woman. "He was a very determined person. That's to be admired, but it can be taken too far." Even Fred himself remembers differently. He was a boxer throughout high school and, reminiscing briefly about his days in Meridian, he chuckles to himself. If any of the other boys came to class with a puffy face or shiner, their friends would ask if they'd been sparring with Phelps. He always left his mark on them, he tells me proudly. Sid Curtis, a grade-school classmate of Fred's, remembers the future pastor drew well, even then. What did he draw? Boxers. A golden glove contender in high school, Fred fought twice in state meets, winning matches which, according to him, were head-on slugfests. Not aggressive? Not the Bull of Topeka yet, but clearly it was in his character. A story in the high-school paper, predicting the futures of Phelps and his classmates, reads: "Fred Phelps will box in Madison Square Garden next June, 1954. Young Phelps will fight for the world championship." One can only wonder what deep currents rose in the teenager whenever he climbed into the ring. Recalling the earlier testimony of his sons, Nate and Mark, and remembering that research has proven abusive behavior is passed with high probability from one generation to the next, the question must be raised: Was the Pastor Phelps equally abused as a child? In the South, there is an unwritten code you don't bad-mouth one of your own. Strangers are welcome unless they ask too many questions, or speak ill of Southern folks and ways. In fact, if ET had come down in Meridian instead of Southern California, and a yankee inquired about that today, folks would probably scratch their chins, figure the carpet-baggers with a knowing eye, and say he was a quiet boy, little short for his age...but had good hands for the piano... If the stories his sons have told are true, the outside observer has two choices in understanding Fred Phelps: either there's a pounding heart under the floor in that old house or the teenager's Saul- into-Paul experience produced the character change. However, many Christians might find it difficult to believe that discovering Jesus would render a good-natured, quiet lad into the bullying hostile whose trail we will shortly follow from Vernal, Utah to Topeka, Kansas. If something did happen to throw Fred Waldron Phelps off track, something that mangled him for life, no one in Meridian wanted to say. Doing that no doubt would be to speak ill of the dead-something Pastor Phelps also was taught to avoid. Yet, suddenly at 16, the child has become the man: fanatic, unempathic, combative, and vindictive. If there is an answer to the question, 'why does Fred hate us all so much?', perhaps it lies in those years, age five to 15, when his father was largely absent and Fred and his sister were cared for by Irene Jordan. "If he were dead, I'd talk," says Fred's sister, Martha Jean Capron, now residing in Pennsylvania. "But as long as he's alive...that's up to him..." Following the revival experience, Phelps abandoned plans for West Point. He moved to Cleveland, Tennessee, where he attended Bob Jones College, a non-denominational Christian academy. John Capron went with him. While Fred and his boyhood chum would eventually separate over religion, Martha Jean and Capron never would: they were married and moved to Indonesia as missionaries. John was a minister there for ten years. Later he would smuggle Bibles into Communist China. Pastor Phelps' brother-in-law died of a heart attack in 1982. Perhaps it's a shame Phelps didn't go to West Point. An army career could have provided a healthy outlet for his aggression, been more compatible with his demanding and commanding nature, while his strong body, mind, and will would have been an asset to the service and his country. If he'd survived Korea as a 2nd lieutenant, probably he'd have been a lieutenant colonel by Vietnam. There he'd almost certainly have chipped his Manichaean mandibles of dualism on that war's hard bone of moral ambiguity. Either he'd have ended on a river somewhere, whispering "the horror...the horror..." to bewildered junior officers, or gained a wider horizon and returned home to retire an urbane cynic and Southern gentleman. But in 1946, Fred Phelps had a year to kill instead of Nazis or North Koreans. The revival took him from Meridian to Bob Jones; from there the future pastor found another outlet for his anger. This one gave instant gratification and conferred adult license to abuse almost overnight: lip-shooting preacher; revivalist minister. And, unlike Vietnam, here God was unequivocally on his side... As part of a Rocky Mountain mission assignment in summer, 1947, Phelps and two other students from Bob Jones were to seek out a fundamentalist church, convert non-believers to Christianity and steer the converts to that church. The three men chose Vernal, a town in northeast Utah. They would be working to convert, not secular hedonists, but a population that was predominantly and staunchly Mormon. When Fred and his friends got there, they set up a meeting tent brought from Bob Jones in the city park. A local Baptist minister provided them food and lodging (B.H. McAlister, who would later ordain Phelps). During the day the do-it- yourself apostles went door-to-door, seeking converts to the good news. At night, they conducted revival meetings in the tent. Only no one came. So Ed Nelson, one of the trio, had an idea. He went to a local radio station and asked if he might buy a block of time. Nope, was the reply. Not if you're going to attack the Mormon church. Ok, said Ed, can I announce I'll be giving an address tonight at the tent? Sure. So Ed Nelson announced on the radio he'd be doing just that. And the title of the speech? 'What's Wrong with the Mormon Church?' says Ed, over the air. That night, continues Nelson, now 69 and a traveling Baptist evangelist based in Denver, a huge crowd arrived. It was so large, the trip had to roll up the sides of the tent. Ed was nervous, but he gave his speech. The crowd listened politely. When the young evangelist was finished, a man in the crowd asked would there be questions. Sure, said Ed. But the very first one stumped him, Nelson confesses disarmingly, and he panicked. Flustered, he announced there would be no more questions. Several in the throng protested, saying that, after sitting in courtesy, listening to their religion attacked, they weren't going to let the young men off so easily-that they should be willing to answer the crowd's questions. At that, Fred rushed one of the men speaking and started to throw a punch, but Ed grabbed his arm and shouted: "Fred! Fred! No! Don't you do it!" "And," Nelson recounts, "Fred looked at that guy and he said, 'you shut your mouth, you dirty...' something or other." Which, to Ed, only compounded their troubles. Fred's companion then raised his arms and shouted, "Folks, the meeting's over! It's over!" And he rushed out and killed the lights inside the tent. This discouraged any further theological discussion. It would seem this format-speak one's mind, then take violent offense at anything less than complete agreement, and suppress all opposing views by any means handy-was the major life lesson learned by Fred Phelps during his sojourn among the Vernal heathen. "He was hot-headed and peculiar," remembers Nelson about Fred then. Eventually the minister decided to cease his association with Phelps because of his hostility and aggressiveness. "The last time I saw him, he was traveling through (on the road preaching). My wife and I gave them a hundred dollars and a bunch of handkerchiefs." When told of what Phelps was doing today, Ed said: "I'm not surprised. He was heading that way. He was so brilliant, he was dangerous. He was getting involved in the idea that only he was saved...going into heresy..." Though vandals damaged the tent, the boys from Bob Jones continued to hold nightly meetings there during the rest of their vacation. No one came, but Nelson reports they did manage to convert two teenage girls-at least for the summer. At the end of their stay, Fred got ordained. Ordained? At 17? Isn't that too young? "No, it isn't," replies B.H. McAlister, who did the ordaining. "If he can pass the test, he is eligible. I don't think the word of God is bound by age." Phelps was at least three years younger than most when they become ministers. Southern Baptists do not require a candidate for the ministry be a graduate of seminary. McAlister, who has helped ordain hundreds of ministers, said an examination board of 10 to 20 ministers would ask a candidate questions about doctrines and scriptures. Not everyone passed. Fred Phelps did-but only after McAlister and a missionary convinced the teenager he was wrong on a scriptural fine point. Which point was that? According to McAlister, Phelps considered the local church to be more than a place of fellowship-for him, membership in the local congregation directly corresponded to membership in the Body of Christ. Phelps may have conceded the point to be ordained, but, for 40 years, his family and church members in Topeka have been controlled by his threat that, if they depart his congregation, they must carry a letter of permission from him. In addition, they must join a congregation that he approves. Otherwise, as with Mark and Nate, the pastor Phelps draws up the dreaded missive ordering the straying sheep to be 'delivered to Satan for the destruction of the flesh.' "We barely knew him," admits McAlister, who settled upon Fred the distinction of having been both baptized and ordained in a single eventful summer. Phelps returned that autumn to Bob Jones, but left after a year without graduating. Later he would say he did so because the school was racist. In 1983, the IRS revoked the tax exemption of Bob Jones, accusing it of practicing racial discrimination. From there, Fred went north to the Prairie Bible Institute near Calgary, Alberta. But after two semesters he moved on. Sources have disclosed the head of the college felt pastor Phelps might be clinically disturbed. Compatible with that diagnosis, Fred's next stop was Southern California. There he enrolled at John Muir College in Pasadena. Campaigning to change community sexual mores with a sign and a sidewalk harangue has been a four-decade effort for Fred. His implacable efforts at John Muir to root out necking and petting on campus and dirty jokes in the classroom reached the pages of TIME magazine (11 June 1951). After being forbidden to preach on campus and getting removed at least once by police from college property, Fred finally found a following that cheered his defiance of authority when he returned to harangue from a sympathizer's lawn across the street. TIME speculated it might presage a movement back to more solid values by the younger generation. Phelps cashed in on the notoriety of the TIME article to become a traveling evangelist again-this time with more success than in Vernal. In return for spending a week or two preaching at an established church or giving a revival, he would receive a bed, his meals, and a small stipend for gas to the next assignment. It was during one such ministry in Phoenix that he met his wife, Marge. She was a student at Arizona Bible School and an au-pair with the family that took in the itinerant evangelist. Today's Mrs. Phelps remembers being curious about the minister who'd been in TIME magazine. Laura Woods, the mistress of the house who gave voice lessons during the day, remembers Fred was the perfect guest. He helped build a room, mowed the lawn, made the beds, and washed the dishes, she said. When the couple decided to get married, Mrs. Woods made Marge Simms two dresses-a wedding gown and an outfit to travel in. They were married May 15, 1952. Laura and her husband, Arthur, remain friends today with Fred and Marge Phelps. The couple moved to Albuquerque for a year, where Marge kept house while Fred traveled a circuit around the Southwest-one that took him from Durango, Colorado to Tucson, Arizona. Fred Jr., the first of their thirteen children, was born May 4, 1953. The family then lived in Sunnyslope, Arizona for a year while pastor Phelps continued his itinerant ministry. Mrs. Phelps was eight months pregnant with Mark when Pastor Leaford Cavin at the Eastside Baptist Church in Topeka invited Fred to come and preach. On Fred Jr.'s first birthday, the family arrived in the Kansas capital to find it an auspicious day indeed: May 4, 1954 was the day the U.S. Supreme Court handed down its historic decision, Brown vs. Board of Education of Topeka, the landfall desegregation case which ruled separate but equal schools for blacks and whites were unconstitutional. The Pastor Phelps saw the coincidence of the Brown decision -just as he was deciding where to settle-as a sign telling him that Topeka was The Place. On that watershed day for America, if the new arrivals visited the state capitol building, perhaps Phelps was struck by the dramatic mural of the raging giant on the burning prairie, rifle in one hand, Bible (law book) in the other. Perhaps, as he has hinted, Pastor Phelps came to Topeka, saw it had become a national forum on black civil rights, saw the power of the legal profession, and decided it had fallen to him: Kansas would have a new John Brown. CHAPTER FOUR "Dog Days for the Pastor" Before greatness could be thrust upon him, however, this new John Brown would suffer his dog days. At first, the new arrivals sailed smoothly into the Eastside Baptist community. Fred was roundly admired for his thunderous preaching, and was quickly hired an associate pastor. The ladies at Eastside all liked Marge and made the young mother welcome in their circles. Things went swimmingly. The Eastside congregation was planning to open a new church across town, and it seemed natural when their pastor, Leaford Cavin, asked Fred to fill the job. The Eastside church issued bonds to purchase the property at 3701 12th Street. To help Brother Phelps get underway, the congregation re-roofed the building, painted it, and bought the songbooks necessary. A start-up group of about 50 former members of Eastside volunteered to attend services at Westboro. The church formally opened on May 20, 1956. Fred had it all. A fine church and a congregation of his own. What went wrong? What did provides an insight into the man who craves a greater and greater role as a moral arbiter of our times. "We gave him his church; painted; roofed it; even bought his songbooks; and after only a few weeks, he turned on us," says a long-time member of Eastside. Apparently not everyone in Leaford Cavin's church was enthusiastic about Phelps. One from that time recalls Fred, Marge, 2 year-old Fred, Jr., and 10 month-old Mark were in the pews one Sunday with the rest of the congregation, listening to Cavin preach. Mark began squirming suddenly. To the appalled amazement of his fellow worshipers nearby, the junior pastor repeatedly slapped the infant across the face with an open palm and backhand, snapping Mark's tiny head to and fro. Afterwards, several of the men in the congregation confronted Fred and told him never to do that again. Mark Phelps laughs to hear that story relayed: "My mom once told me-proudly, as if she'd effected a big change in his behavior-that my father had beaten my older brother when he was only five months old. She said she'd argued with him about it and he'd agreed to hold off beating the kids till they were a year old." "Phelps was wrapped pretty tight, even back then," recalls an old member of Eastside. "He was very severe with his children and a lot of people didn't care for him. But we all thought he was a man of God." Within weeks after receiving his new status, building, and congregation, Fred Phelps warmed on the hearth of Eastside's hospitality and but the hands that had helped him. He and Leaford Cavin had an almost immediate falling-out over whether God hated the sinner as well as the sin. "Today, Fred will tell you it was theological differences," says an acquaintance of Cavin, "but those differences didn't seem to bother him when he needed out help." Adds another: "Theological differences? Brother Cavin was a very staunch Baptist." But not staunch enough for Fred? "I don't know if there ever was a man more strict than Leaford Cavin. Really, it was the anger in Fred, not doctrine, that caused him to act the way he did." When a man in Fred's new congregation came to him for marital counseling, the pastor recommended a good beating for the wife. The man followed his spiritual guide's advice. Later, he called the pastor to ask for bail: apparently separation of church and state didn't apply to assault and battery. Phelps paid the confused Christian's bail, but stuck to his guns: a former members of the early Westboro community remembers the following Sunday Pastor Fred was fiery in his message that a good left hook makes for a right fine wife: "Brethren," preached Phelps, "they can lock us up, but we'll still do what the Bible tells us to do. Either our wives are going to obey, or we're going to beat them!" "Leaders," observes B.H. McAlister, the minister who ordained Fred, "break down into shepherd and sheep-herders. The first lead, the second drive the sheep. If love is absent, the pastor is one who drives the flock; with love, he leads it." Mark remembers his father used to frequently tell of the time he purified the flock and paid the price for his courage. Apparently a female member of that early Westboro congregation was discovered having an affair with a soldier from Ft. Riley. Only the males in the congregation were allowed to vote, and the pastor prevailed upon them to cast the Madeleine from the midst. Away from the effects of his heated rhetoric, however, many of those swayed felt first remorse, then disgust at their part in the moral lynching. Mark remembers his father always referred to this incident to explain why his congregation had deserted him. In later years, Phelps was convinced he was alone in his church with only his children to listen because those who'd opened Westboro were too weak for the harsh truth of God: that He hated sinners as well as the sin; and therefore His elect must also hate the sinners-even those who might be assembled with them. If the local Baptist churches were still unsure about the new fire and brimstone brother from Arizona, shooting his neighbor's dog didn't help. Aside from etching one of his children's earliest memories, shotgun-blasting the large German shepherd that had wandered into his unfenced yard quickly got the novice pastor notice in his community. The incident was discussed in the papers, and the dog's owner sued the arrogant minister. Fred defended himself and won, an action his son Mark believes may have encouraged his father's turn to the law. But the irrationality and violence of the act sent the last of his congregation scurrying back to Eastside. For weeks after the shooting, one church member recalls, someone placed signs on the lawn in front of Westboro at night that declared prophetically: "Anyone who'd stoop to killing a dog someday will mistake a child for a dog." Soon it was clear no one wanted any part of Fred's god not if he hated like Fred. And that posed a problem for the Pastor Phelps: he still owed 32 dollars a week on the bonds for the church, and no one was paying for his hate show on Sundays. To cover his mortgage and support his family, the failed pastor turned his pitch from God to vacuum cleaners. During the following five years, he went door-to-door in Topeka, selling those and baby carriages and, finally, insurance. In a pattern that held ominous overtones for the future, Phelps at some point sued almost everyone who employed him during that period. He also carried on a running feud with Leaford Cavin at Eastside Baptist. Cavin spent several years trying to discover how to repair his mistake and stop the nightmare unfolding at the Westboro church. "Eastside held the mortgage on Westboro," remembers one churchgoer who was involved in the finances there, "and we always hoped Fred would miss a payment so we could foreclose. But he never did." To save money, the pastor moved his wife and children into the church. Since the congregation at Westboro was essentially the Phelps family, Cavin convinced John Towle, county assessor, that Westboro should be taxed as private residence. The controversy was covered in the media, and the exemption for 3701 West 12th was lifted. But again the fighting Pastor Phelps taught himself enough about the law to successfully contest the decision before the Board of Tax Appeals. For good measure, he sued Cavin and Stauffer Communications for libel. He lost the suit, but the lines of his future had now been drawn: Fred Phelps had his castle and his church and he'd learned how to defend them. His chosen community detested him, but that was to be expected when one was elect and immersed in a world of damned souls. Fred was content that his god hated those who questioned him. And he was content to remain in his private La Rochelle and sally forth occasionally to smite the reprobate. One old member of Eastside is philosophical about the feud with Pastor Fred: "I'll tell you one thing, we can feel awfully lucky he turned down that slot at West Point. Right now, he'd probably be a general-with his finger on the button." It was during this period that the Pastor Phelps cut the final ties with his original family. When talking with friends, Fred's father never discussed the son he had in Topeka, says Fred Stokes, a retired army officer who lives outside Meridian. Stokes was a close friend of the elder Phelps and a pallbearer at his funeral in 1977: "He had some fundamental beliefs that were unshakeable, but he didn't force them on anyone." In his later years, Stokes says, Fred's father was active in the Methodist Church. "He was a very kind, grand fatherly person. He was at peace with himself and didn't have any rancor toward anybody at the time of his death." Marks tells how his grandfather, Fred, (whose name he learned only recently from Capital-Journal reporters) once came to visit them in Topeka when Mark was a child. What he recalls most vividly is standing on the platform at the railroad station with his father and grandfather. As they waited to put him on the train back to Meridian, the preacher told the weeping old man never to come back, not to call, nor to write. "I remember my grandfather was crying. He told my father to get back in the Methodist Church and stop all this nonsense." Pastor Phelps admits there was a rift between him and his father. "He was disappointed when I didn't go to West Point, which is understandable. He worked hard to get that appointment for me, and he was a very active Methodist, so he was disappointed in that. But my dad was a super guy that I loved deeply and I miss him." Relatives in Mississippi said the elder Phelps never really got over his abandonment by his son. "It grieved him a lot," remembers one. When Pastor Phelps was 15 and in his last year of high school his father, 51, married a 39 year-old divorcee named Olive Briggs. The son would leave home soon after and grow up to be a fierce critic of divorce. Olive's sister, who didn't want her name used, said Olive was a kind Southern lady who never had children and treated Fred and his sister, Martha Jean, as if they were her own. The new Mrs. Phelps often talked to her sister about the trouble between the former railroad detective and his son, the Baptist preacher. "Olive would say he grieved over that every day of his life. That he never would have parted ways. It was his son who parted ways." Other relatives recalled that, each year, the grandparents sent birthday and Christmas presents to their grandchildren in Topeka. Each year they were returned unopened. Photos of grandpa and grandma the pastor gave his extra touch: "When they once sent him pictures of themselves for us kids to have, I remember watching my dad cutting them meticulously into little pieces with a pair of scissors. Then he placed them in an envelope and mailed them back." When the elder Phelps died in 1977, and Olive Briggs in 1985, of the two not inconsiderable wills, Fred's father left him one-eighth and his sister, seven-eighths. Fred's stepmother left her entire estate to Martha Jean. There would be no relatives dropping by from mother's side either. Though Marge Phelps had nine brothers and sisters still living in rural Missouri or nearby Kansas City, with one notable exception, her own children never met them or so much as knew their names. And the firm pastor forbade his children to play or talk with the rest of the youngsters in the neighborhood. Says Mark: "I wanted friends to share with and talk to, but felt it was the wrong thing and felt guilty. They would initiate conversation or want to play, and I would feel real scared and not know what to do or say. Sometimes I couldn't avoid talking, and it made me feel real uneasy and scared that I would get caught. "My dad used to make me go and tell the neighbor kids they couldn't play by the fence, or talk to us, or come in the yard. He'd say, "I'm tellin' you, if those f---ing kids are in this yard again and I catch them, it's you I'm going to beat!" "I used to have to fight the kids sometimes, or yell at them, or push them out of the yard; or I'd turn my back and ignore them so they wouldn't want to talk or be friendly and get me in trouble." While this is in keeping with the 'fortress Phelps' mentality the pastor embarked on shortly after opening Westboro, it is interesting to speculate how much of the strange goings-on within the fortress the pastor feared his children might reveal had they been allowed outside confidants. When Fred's sister, Martha Jean, and her husband, Fred's teenage best-buddy, John Capron, returned to the U.S. on a year sabbatical from their Indonesian mission, they came to see Fred. In part, they'd come to arrange a reconciliation between the brittle pastor and his devastated father. They never got started. "He wouldn't even talk to me," Fred's sister told her nephew, Mark. The good pastor bid her also leave and never return. Mark remembers riding his bike along in the street, both curious and embarrassed, watching his aunt go weeping down the sidewalk for three blocks from their house. With that, the vengeful minister had succeeded in cutting all lines leading to his captive congregation. Anyone in the outside world who might know of their existence or be concerned for their welfare had been driven off. After he had sold insurance for several years, Phelps had amassed enough commissions off the yearly premiums to allow him to stop working and go to law school. He had already transferred credits from Bob Jones and John Muir to Washburn, then taken course work there to receive his degree. Fred Phelps had guts. When he entered Washburn Law School, he had a wife and seven children. When he graduated, his family had grown by three. Phelps was editor of the Law Review and star of the school's moot court. He is remembered by some of the faculty as perhaps the most brilliant student ever to pass through Washburn Law. If the public performance was impressive, however, the private life grew even more dark. "It was a very rare occasion," says Mark, "when he would come anywhere in the house that the kids were. While he was studying the law, he'd fly into rages because we were making noise. Mom would hide us-for the good of all." In fact, Phelps began to spend more and more time in his bedroom, cut off from his family except when they were needed to run errands for him; cut off except for his wife, whom he forced to remain with him in his bedroom for days at a time. Apparently the pastor's sexual appetites were voracious, and his emotional dependency even greater: Says Mark, "Mom had to spend the major portion of her day sitting next to him in bed, trying to say the right things to keep him calm, while he bitched and moaned and complained and railed and carried on. "He left the older children to take care of the younger ones while he monopolized our mother's time and attention. We were literally left on our own for the major portion of our childhoods." While the pastor lolled now grossly overweight in his bed like some Ottoman pasha, rolling in his law books and 100 pounds of excess blubber, lecturing the wife and walls on the evils of the reprobate, wallowing in gluttony and goat-like sexual appetites, he resembled, not so much the John Brown of his earlier ambitions, as he did an esquired Jabba the Hut. "The kids would sit in grime and scum and filth for hours at a time," says Mark, "tied into their high chairs or strollers by mom, for their safety, until she could sneak away from him to give them a diaper change, redo their ties, and set it up for the older kids to feed them, so she could get back to him. "I remember when she'd come downstairs, all the kids would cluster around her like a swarm of bees, just to touch her and talk to her." Mark goes on: "I started doing most of the grocery shopping, by bike, with my brother Fred when I was only seven or eight, because our mom had such a hard time getting away. We had baskets on our bikes. We were given money but it was never enough. It was humiliating because we would hold up the line at the checkout while the cashiers would ask us what we wanted to keep or take back, and then they'd do the figuring for us," Mark sighs in the phone: "When he wanted a chicken dinner, he'd stay in bed and have me ride my bike two miles each way to get him one. He never thanked me. "We'd run errands for that, or he'd send us out for a piece of apple pie with cheese on it. And we had to get back fast. Damn fast, or he'd complain his apple pie wasn't hot enough. "It was a mile or two back, the pie riding in a mesh basket, and we had to get it to him hot." Mark pauses. "It's pretty unbelievable when I think about it. At breakfast, my father got bacon and eggs; the kids got oatmeal and grits. At dinner we'd have beans and rice while he ate chicken or hamburger. Now that I'm a father myself, that just seems incomprehensible to me. "My father had to take care of us each year when my mom went into the hospital to give birth. Whatever he had to do, he'd always lose his temper and start screaming. "We'd be too scared of him to eat-and then he'd beat us for not eating. My saliva would not work when he was in the room and mom was gone, so, to clean our plates, we'd throw our food under the table or into our laps and flush it down the toilet later. "When he took care of us, I tried to stay out of the same room with him at all times. He would be real hard on the little ones when he dressed them. He'd push and jerk and tug real hard. My father was so impatient and unpredictable. You never knew what to expect or how to act." When the children did run into Jabba-the-Dad out of his bed, it was usually unpleasant. Mark tells of one such time: "The day my brother, Tim, was born, Fred, Jr., and I were in the dining room fooling around and Fred started to chase me out the back door. I ran right into my dad." According to Mark, the pastor started screaming at them not to horse around. He punched both boys several times and ordered them outside to work in the yard. On his way out, Mark rounded a corner and inadvertently stumbled into his father a second time. Enraged, the pastor connected with a hook to the side of his son's head. Mark fell down dazed and stunned. The pastor began to kick him, and kept kicking him, but Mark couldn't get up. His father screamed at him to go out in the yard, but the boy's legs felt like jello and "the room was rolling in vertigo". Finally, his father left him there, sprawled and dazed like a defeated boxer. When Mark could stand up, he joined his older brother already at work. Three hours later, their dad called them in. "He told us to get into bed and not to move. He told me to turn my face to the wall. For hours I lay like that, too scared to roll over because I thought he might still be standing there, watching me. Finally, I fell asleep. "When we woke up the next day, we found he'd been at the hospital with mom the night before. And we had a new baby brother." Their father often slept all day and got up in the afternoon, remembers another Phelps child. "And then everyone would hide because 'daddy was up'. "He habitually had violent rages that included profane cursing, beyond any sailor's ability to curse, where he threw and broke anything he could get his hands on," states Mark. "My father routinely demolished the kitchen and dining room areas, as well as his bedroom. He would not only beat mom and the kids, he would smash dishes, glasses, anything breakable in sight; he'd even throw everything out of the refrigerator. "He'd literally cover the floor with debris. I remember seeing so much broken crockery once it looked like an archeologists's dig. There was ketchup and mustard and mayonnaise splashed across the walls, cupboards, and floor like a paint bomb had gone off in there. "Afterwards he'd go upstairs to the bedroom-and force mom to go with him. It would take hours for us kids to clean up after his rages. He never helped-he'd just dump on us and leave. "But he wouldn't stop raging. While we were cleaning the mess downstairs, he'd force mom to sit at his bedside upstairs while he continued to curse and complain to her about whatever had gotten his goat." Nate and Mark confirm the pastor's dish tantrums occurred regularly, usually once or twice a month. Sometimes there'd be several in one week. "It established a life habit for me," says Mark. "Even today, the moment I get home, I'm thinking 'Is Daddy mad?' "Our walls were stained with food," he continues. "And my mom used to cry because she couldn't keep good dishes. My father would also bust holes in the walls and doors. If they were on the outside, he'd fix them quickly. On the inside, he'd leave them unrepaired for months... The voice pauses. "Still, he'd wake us up at night with mom screaming from fear as he threw his fits. I'd come awake and lie there feeling afraid and upset. "I wasn't worried about being woken up, that he was upset, or even that he was hurting mom. I was worried about survival. About what could happen if it got worse. I was thinking about lying still in case he came in, so he wouldn't know I was awake. "Because, he was so crazy, we didn't know that someday he wouldn't kill us all." Back in those days, during the '60s, when Fred was in law school and then a young lawyer, the neighbors would often see Marge on the porch. "She'd just be sitting out there, crying her heart out," remembers one former neighbor. "We all felt so sorry for her. But none of us ever went over there to comfort her. Her husband had us all intimidated." But if life with father was bad already-it was about to get worse. According to Mark, who was 10 when his father graduated, Fred Phelps became heavily dependent on amphetamines and barbituates while in law school. Every week for 6 years, from 1962-1967, their mother would give Mark a 20 dollar bill and ask him to go down and pick up his father's 'allergy medicine'. Mark always got the bottle of little red pills from 'the tall blond man' at the nearby pharmacy. He was told they were to 'help daddy wake up'. He also picked up bottles of little yellow pills that were to 'help daddy get to sleep'. But the beast already so poorly penned within Fred now came out. Under the conflicting tug of speed that wouldn't wear off and the Darvon he'd taken to sleep, the Pastor Phelps would often wake his family in the middle of the night while doing his imitation of a whirling dervish whose shoes were tied together: "With all the drugs, he had very little body control," remembers Mark, "so we weren't really scared of him then. But he would fall and break the bed apart; get up and knock over all the bedroom furniture. "Mom would start screaming and call Freddy and me to help her get him under control and put the bed together. "My dad's face would look totally stoned, and he couldn't focus his eyes. He couldn't walk in a straight line, and sometimes he couldn't even get up off the floor." Adds Nate: "Another time when he was stoned on drugs, my dad started going after my mom. She was yelling for help. My two older brothers, probably 12 and 13 at the time, went running upstairs and tried to force my dad back into his bedroom. He was ranting and raving like a lunatic. "They managed to get him inside his room and slammed the door shut and locked it from the outside. He started pounding on the door and screaming incoherently. "Finally, he actually broke the door down. That seemed to calm him a bit, and he fell back on the bed and passed out." Without referring to his records, the pharmacist named by Mark immediately denied he had ever filled any kind of prescription for the Pastor Phelps-except once. Blessed with preternaturally accurate recall, the pharmacist claimed that, since 1962, he'd only filled one order for the pastor-a skin cream several years ago. Questioned again later, the pharmacist admitted he'd been filling prescriptions written to Mrs. Phelps for decades. But he denied ever selling her amphetamines. According to Mark, the physician who wrote those prescriptions delivered all or most of the Phelps children, and was their family doctor when they were growing up. During the period in question, he at least twice reported his doctor bag stolen and its narcotics missing. The thieves were never caught. When this physician shot himself in a Topeka parking lot in 1979, he was under investigation for providing drugs illegally to his female patients in exchange for sexual favors. What kind of drugs? Amphetamines. "There was fighting one night," Mark recalls. "In the middle of the night. Dad was stoned on drugs again. He shot the 12-gauge into a roll of insulation. "It was probably a suicide attempt. Only my mom and he were in the bedroom, and it was during the middle of the night. "What I think happened was, he was so under the influence, he was so screwed up, and he was so mad that he was doing one of those things...you know...I'll show all of you...I'll just get rid of this whole problem by killing myself. "And I think he just did it. I think he did it for the dramatics of it- of course, he missed. "After the incident, that roll of insulation sat in their bedroom for almost a year. "Our mom tried to keep things quiet and keep things contained," says Mark. "She acted as a mother to him as well as us. Having him in our family was like having a little 2 year-old in an adult's body-with an adult intellect. But it's a 2 year- old that can do whatever it wants, because there's no adult discipline, instruction, or correction involved. My father does not subject himself to accountability of any kind. "He didn't care about our mom, except for how she could meet his needs. He treated her like an animal. "We had two dogs-Ahab and Jezebel. I used to throw rocks on top of their dog house and Ahab would viciously attack Jezebel. I thought it was funny. "That was the way my dad treated my mom. If anything would happen that my dad didn't like, he would beat on her, blame her, make her life miserable, and take it out on her-even if it was out of her control. Mark remembers one morning when he was downstairs and heard a tremendous racket coming from their bedroom above. Furniture crashing. Fred screaming. Their mother begging him to stop. Then her screaming too. This went on for 20 minutes until finally his father stormed out. All quiet. Mark stole up the stairs, afraid his father would come back. He peeked in. (At this point, Mark's voice breaks. It takes him a long time to describe this, speaking in short phrases, interrupted by long pauses to control his emotions.) The mattress was thrown from the bed. Sheets were ripped away. Drawers were flung out of the dresser, and the dresser kicked over. Lamps and tables, everything was smashed and strewn about the room. "Mom?" he called. He couldn't see her. "Mom?" Mark heard a sob. Then a long, low agony moan. He walked stiffly into the mess. Picked his way across the floor. In the corner, behind an open closet door, he found his mother cowering. Her face in her hands as the sobs wracked her body, she told her frightened child over and over: "I can't take this anymore...I can't take this anymore...I can't take it...I don't know what I'm going to do..." For awhile she did nothing. Mark remembers there were times when his mother would get out and go to the store, especially when his father was asleep: "She'd go to Butler's IGA. And after she'd go to the bowling alley and the little coffee shop there. Four or five times I saw her in there when she didn't know I did. It made me feel sad, because it was such a lonely thing to see her, sitting with that coffee and donut, and know it was her safe harbor, the only time she had alone. She looked so unhappy and despairing, sitting there staring at nothing, the coffee getting cold and the donut untouched." Then one winter Saturday afternoon when Mark was 9 years old, his mother called him over to her. She whispered: "I've had it. I can't take it. Would you get the children's clothes and load as much as you can in the trunk and the back seat?" Mark packed the clothes in the old white Fairlane 4-door. When the pastor, luxuriating in his bed upstairs, fell asleep around 4 p.m., their mother came down softly. She had Mark gather the rest of the kids. "We're leaving," she told them. Somehow they all fit inside the car, the mother behind the wheel, and the 9 kids wherever they could find space. "We looked ridiculous," admits Mark. "And I remember the toll-takers at the turnpike laughed at us. But I'll never forget that day...the feeling I got as we drove away from that house. "It was a cloudy day, and cold, but I remember feeling hopeful. Thinking we were headed to a new life. And it was going to be better than the one behind us." Marge fled the good Pastor Phelps with her flock to Kansas City. She went to her sister Dorotha's apartment. Most of her original family hadn't seen Marge in 15 years, not since she'd left for school in Arizona. Dorotha's Profitt's husband drove a truck for a renderer, a business that collected dead animals for glue. Marge Phelps' sister no doubt gave her the bad news: driving for a rendering company didn't bring in enough to feed 10 extra mouths; and the apartment couldn't possibly hold them all; she couldn't stay there... In fact, there was no place for a pregnant woman with 9 children to run except back to the man who beat her, but paid the bills. Mark remembers his mother stoically dialing the number for the Westboro church. Silently, the children crawled back into their niches among the clothes-filled car. When they arrived home that night, the pastor was waiting for them. His son recalls he had arms folded and he was smiling. It was a cold leer that Mark will never forget: "It was smug, it was cruel; and it said, 'there is no escape'." CHAPTER FIVE "The Children's Crusade" The pastor's heavy drug use continued from 1962 until late 1967 or early 1968, according to Mark Phelps. Confined to itself and tormented by an increasingly explosive, abusive, and erratic father, the family hung on day-to-day. Finally, Fred's system could no longer withstand being wrenched up by reds in the morning and jerked down by barbituates at night. One day, he didn't wake up. Mark remembers seeing the long, gray ambulance in the driveway. His father had slipped into a coma from toxic drug abuse. Fred Phelps remained in the hospital for a week, while Mrs. Phelps told the children he had suffered an adverse reaction to an 'allergy medicine'. When he emerged, Phelps was drug-free and powerfully resolved to regain control of his body. If it was the temple to his soul, he had neglected it. With an astounding strength of will, he immediately plunged into a water-only fast, dropping from 265 to 135 in 47 days. During the fast, "he looked like a scarecrow," says Mark. "He stalked about the house with a scarf around his head, clutching a bible to his chest." But the Pastor Phelps broke his addiction and never relapsed. To keep his weight down, he turned first to health foods and then to running. Emaciated at 135, Phelps today is a trim 185 on a 6'3" frame. One day, after he had been running for some time, the pastor read about the new science of aerobics on the back of a Wheaties box and decided the entire family should join him. Fred loaded the ten oldest children in the station wagon, drove them to the Topeka High track, and, not unlike Fred's Foreign Legion, ordered them to march or die. Actually, they were told to run or get beaten. Their ages when this concurred were 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, and 16. Of the three youngest, two were little girls. They were forced to run five miles a day-sun, rain, or snow-and then the pastor upped it to ten. By the summer of 1970 a year later, Phelps decided they were ready for the marathon. Every weeknight the 10 children, now aged 6 through 17, ran 10 miles around the track. On Saturdays they ran a marathon. Only on Sundays were they allowed to rest. "We'd run from the courthouse in Topeka, down Highway 40 to the courthouse in Lawrence," says Mark. "Or from Topeka to Valley Falls or St. Mary's. My mom would follow with the three toddlers in the station wagon, going up to the lead, and coming back to the stragglers." According to Mark, that lead runner was usually him, with the pastor a distant second. "I was the ultimate yes-man all the time I was growing up," he confides, "but not that. I decided every time we ran I was going to beat him-do it bad." And run he did. Mark reports that, by the time the family entered the Heart of America marathon in Columbia, Missouri, he was climbing off his daily 10-mile training runs in 60 minutes. He placed 17th overall in the Columbia race. He was only 16 years old. Tim, the six year-old who'd turned seven a few weeks before the race, finished last behind his father and nine siblings. It took him seven hours to complete the course. "It's one of the more difficult runs in the U.S.," observes Mark Thomas, owner of Tri-Tech Sports in Lenexa, Kansas. He has spent over 20 years as an athlete and sports consultant. On his staff are current and former members of the U.S. National Biathlon and Triathlon Teams. He remembers the 1970 Heart of America race. A runner's club he had organized in Sedalia, Missouri competed there. "I remember several in our group came back disgusted as what they had seen. Apparently some of the smaller Phelps children had told them they weren't running voluntarily." In general, says Mark Thomas, experts don't recommend running marathons under age 16. (Prominent sports physicians contacted by the Capital-Journal concur, but they declined to be named in an article on Fred Phelps.) "It's just not a wise idea, especially for a six year-old," continues Thomas. "Even without medical advice, common sense and a minimum of parental concern is all you need to see the stupidity of that," Among the potential negatives reviewed were soft tissue damage; developmental problems in the knee joints; high vulnerability to fatal heat stroke; and hitting the 'wall' (running out of glycogen) long before the adult limit at 20 miles. The last is important, advise sports doctors. A small child forced to run through the physical agony of their 'wall' can be emotionally damaged by the experience. To put it simply, forcing six, seven, and eight year-old children to run 26 miles is nothing short of brutally abusive. However, Runner's World found the running Phelps newsworthy, not once-but twice. They were featured in an article about the Columbia marathon in the November, 1970 issue, and again in November, 1988. Though Pastor Phelps had given up speed and downers, ate healthy, and ran daily, the radical mood swings, rages, and aggression remained "One day my father and I were running down at the track inside the YMCA. There was an old blind man who always jogged on the inside lane because he could feel the edge of the track with his cane. "My father was in a sour mood that day, and the old man was weaving a bit as he worked his way around the track with his stick to guide him. My father began to threaten him each time he lapped him, telling the blind jogger if he didn't stay out of my father's way, my father would knock him out of the way. "Finally, the old man started crying. He left the track and stood there crying-I guess what were tears of frustration-and then he left. "I never saw him back there again." Phelps was also a poor loser, according to his sons. Sometimes Mark and the pastor would go on long runs around the town. They started to race on the home-stretch once, and Mark beat him back by several blocks. At first his father took it with grace, says Mark, observing his son 'has really shifted gears and left him behind'. Minutes later however, when were standing in the kitchen, each with a large glass of icewater, suddenly the elder Phelps flung his hard fist into his son's face. And stalked out. If his body was healthy, Pastor Phelps had yet to achieve wealthy and wise. More trouble was ahead for him-money trouble. According to Mark, in 1968 their finances were still very tight, even though Fred had passed the bar. The son remembers his mother opening the mail one day and showing him a $100 check. "It's all we have for a month," she told him, and she started crying. Later, the pastor was melting some World's Finest Chocolate to make chocolate milk. In the midst of stirring it, he suggested someone should take the rest of the candy and see if they couldn't sell it around the neighborhood. Mark jumped at the chance "I watched my mom cry and cry when the checking and savings accounts were empty. I watched her cry when the mail box didn't have a check in it because dad hadn't worked in so long. "So I worked. I worked so my dad would like me. I worked so mom would love me. I worked so dad wouldn't beat me. I worked so I would feel like I was on the team. I worked when dad was throwing his rages. I worked when I saw mom crying. I worked because mom said, 'you're my good little helper, and I need you to do this because I have to be with him'. I worked because mom would cozy up to me and ask me to work, like a confidant and partner would ask another close partner to stand with them to get through a tough circumstance. But it was never enough." Not long after, Fred Phelps was suspended from the bar two years for cheating and exploiting his clients. During that period, the candy sales would be the family's only source of income. The Phelps children were up to the challenge "Basically, we had to raise ourselves," says Mark. "It would have been a lot easier if we'd just been left alone to do our own parenting, but we also had to look out for a crazy father. I mentioned Fred Jr. and I began doing all the grocery shopping when we were only six and seven years-old? And the kids did all the household chores? So, working for a living we just took in stride with the rest of our adult responsibilities." During the school year, Mrs. Phelps would pick the children up after class and take them directly to that day's targeted area. The vertically challenged sales staff would then divide into teams of two or three for safety, canvassing neighborhood homes and businesses. Every hour, they would rendezvous back at the LZ for resupply from mom at the station wagon. Workshifts on weeknights went from 3 30 to 8 p.m. On weekends and during the summer, the candykrieg blitzed major metropoles within a 4-hour drive of Topeka Kansas City, Lawrence, Wichita, Omaha, and St. Joseph. Hours, including wake-up, preparations, and transport, stretched from 5 a.m. to 10 p.m. "There were a lot of times when we would be out there well after dark, and snow was on the ground," says Nate. The Phelps family selling candy door-to-door at night and in the snow attracted the attention of Topeka police, who received occasional queries about the welfare of the children, a law enforcement source recalls. But detectives found no violation of the law, and no charges were ever filed. "We sold candy, and we sold candy," observes Mark. "It was an art," agrees Nate. Family loyalists Margie, Jonathon, and Shirley are quick to defend their memories. Public sales taught them a lot about the world outside their church, they insist. And they learned a good deal about human nature, adds Margie. Today, the Phelps children are full of stories about their adventures on candy crusade. Jonathon and Rachel tell of selling in a bad part of Kansas City one night and realizing the women on the sidewalks around them were actually men. The boy is father to the man, and Jonathon immediately held forth with the latest 'fag' joke making the rounds at his junior high. One transvestite pulled a switchblade and gave chase. Jonathon grabbed little Rachel (age 8) and, clutching their boxes under their arms, they fled down an alley pursued by the man in high heels. Jonathon, say Shirley and Margie, laughing till tears come to their eyes, can still remember the sound of the candy rattling inside his boxes and the click of high heels on pavement behind him. The end of the tale? It was a blind alley. Jonathon Phelps got 'bitch-slapped' by a guy in a dress to teach him a lesson, chokes Margie. Many of the stories center around Tim, the youngest Phelps son-the tough little kid who spent his sixth year training for the marathon. According to the Phelps sisters, 9 year-old Tim was slightly built, with red hair, a freckled face, and big blue eyes. But he had a booming voice that belied his frail size and innocent appearance. "He sold the most candy, by far," says Margie. "He did it on cute." Once, giving his carnival pitch in his King Kong voice on a crowded elevator at the Merchants' Bank in Topeka, Tim overwhelmed a modeling scout who happened to be riding down with him. The scout got him a job in a television ad for Payless Shoes. On another occasion, the host of a radio show in Wichita heard Tim hawking his Coco Clusters one night, and invited the lad to open the show. So Tim did, bellowing out "It's Diiiiiiick Riiiiiiipy!" The owner of a restaurant in North Topeka felt sorry for Tim, his sisters report. Whenever Tim went there, the man always bought all of his candy, then gave him a coke and let him sit at a table to rest his feet and daydream. One night when he was doing just that, Tim overhead a diner speaking ill of his father. Up popped the little boy, gripping his ice-cold glass. Determinedly, he marched over the offending table and flung the Coke in the surprised man's face. If the diner was outraged, he was in for another surprise the restaurant's owner kicked him out and let Tim stay. "During those years," Margie observes, "we learned more about dealing with people than most learn during their entire lifetime." While Mark and Nate also have funny stories to tell from their time on the candyblitz, according to them, the Phelps' sisters are selective in their recollections. At first, say the brothers outcast, their father asked them to sell on commission. "That didn't last very long," adds Mark. "One night we came home and he said he'd changed his mind-he wanted us to hand over our share. We kids were reluctant at first. We'd worked hard for it and now he was going back on his word. Then he went into a rage and-believe me-we turned it over real quick." From there, things went from bad to worse. The former door-to-door vendor of baby carriages and vacuum cleaners knew about sales quotas and target volumes. "If we sold enough candy that day, my fatherwould be in a good mood that evening and everyone could relax. But if we came back not having generated the amount expected, my father would take it and then get real moody. Sooner or later, he'd find something to get mad about and one of us would get a beating that night." Mark goes on to explain how he became the 'bull' in charge of motivation in the field. If one of his siblings hadn't sold their share of the candy, in the car on the way home suffered the 'chin- chin'. The offender, sitting in back, had to lean forward and rest their chin on the front seat. Mark, sitting in front, would then slug them in the face. The laggard peddler was called to justice by the harsh command (So-and-so) Chin-chin! "We never celebrated the holidays." Mark's voice is sad with memory. "We sold candy instead. You know the only Christmas cheer I ever saw as a kid? Sometimes I'd ring the bell and there'd be a big gathering inside for Christmas dinner and they'd invite me in and give me pie or a plate of food. I'd sit there and eat and watch everyone and wish it were my family and that I never had to leave." Sources connected to law enforcement assure the Capital- Journal that Margie's glowing memories of the candy campaign are indeed selective. Because of the mounting pressure from their father to return with larger cash sums, the children allegedly began to steal from purses and unwatched registers in the offices and businesses they frequented to sell their sweets. In many of the cases, complaints were filed with statements from eyewitnesses. Nate Phelps admits he was one of the thieves. He seems ashamed, though he never spent the money on himself-although in a way he did When the day's take was disappointing, it was often Nate who drew the black ball in the pastor's secret lottery for violent retribution. Among police sources, another Phelps child is remembered as having the hottest hands. That child was allegedly connected to purse pilfering in a legion of stores. On one occasion, the culprit was questioned by juvenile officers concerning cash theft from the old historical museum on 10th and Jackson in Topeka. Allegedly the child then confessed to a string of similar crimes. Charges were never filed, say law enforcement sources, not even in the museum case. Apparently no one in the D.A.'s office wanted to tangle with Fred Phelps or his children unless the crime was serious and the evidence airtight. But if the Westboro Baptist Church's gang of urchin vendors is remembered for anything by law enforcement officials, it is their alleged raid on the general offices of the Santa Fe Railroad. There, on three separate floors, witnesses observed one child allegedly distracting employees while other Phelps children allegedly rifled those employees' purses. Nate Phelps states he knew nothing about that caper. According to sources, the reports of theft grew so numerous that Topeka police suspected the Pastor Phelps of running a 'Fagin operation' (from the character of that name in the film "Oliver" an older man provides food and shelter to a horde of orphans and street urchins in return for their working as pickpockets). Both Nate and Mark Phelps insist this was not the case. The stealing was strictly the kids' idea, they say. But it was usually done to top off the kitty so they wouldn't get beaten. "My family sold candy from 1968 until 1975," says Nate, "and some of those places we'd gone into a hundred times. By then, everyone knew the candy sale was a scam. But, even if I'd been told 'no' a hundred times, I still had to go back eventually for the 101st. And, if they said 'no', I still had to bring home cash to show my dad. So..." In the evenings, reports the boys, if their father didn't fall into a rage and select one of his children out for a beating, then he usually remained upstairs in bed-and demanded his wife stay with him. Whether it was to listen to his tirades or 'comfort' him (Fred's biblical euphemism for, one trusts, the missionary position exclusively), the result was the children were left nightly to their own resources. Since most of them were unable to care for themselves, and Mrs. Phelps no longer tied the younger ones in their high chairs while she was gone, the older kids had their hands full downstairs. "Just trying to control the younger ones, and get them down for the night without any noise to piss the old man off was task," says Nate. As a consequence, the house was frequently left uncleaned. Then, in the middle of the night, the Pastor Phelps would "wake us screaming and cursing and raging," says Mark, "hollering we had all gone to bed without properly cleaning everything. He would have us do a thorough cleaning of the house then, between 2 30 and 4 00 a.m. While that was going on, he would come up behind and kick us, push us into walls, hit us with hand and fist on the head, beat us. "He would make us vacuum around the edges and cracks, wash dishes, etc. I would get up shaking physically from the sudden awakening, and from getting out of bed so quickly in such a frightening situation. "I would be real scared and try to work hard and fast, so he wouldn't do any more than he'd already done. I'd try to appease him quickly so he'd calm down and stop his violence. "It's weird how you can feel secure in a situation like that. I'd work hard to get warm, and the concentration and physical work would help me get through the fear and back to a point where I felt relief from the intense anxiety and shaking." Mark continues "My father would usually quiet down before the cleaning was done. He'd go back to doing what he wanted watching television and eating in bed. It was such a relief when he'd gone back upstairs, that a lot of my siblings would knock off and stop working. "I was too mad and upset to do that. I would keep working a lot longer. I was real mad, and I was going to work and work and work until he apologized, or at least until I showed him that I could take whatever he did to me." Even after a night like that, reveille was always at 5 a.m. in the Phelps household, adds Mark. "He'd take his big brass bell and go through the house ringing it with a great big grin on his face." Five a.m. brought more chores and errands before going off to school, say the boys. After class their mom would pick them up for candy sales until 8 p.m. As soon as they got home, they'd have to change into their running clothes, drive to the Topeka High track, and stride out 10 miles. The runner would not return home and clean up before 10 or 10 30. After that came dinner. "Our family never ate together," says Nate. "Mom or one of our sisters usually made something and left it on the stove for people to eat when they got the chance." Sometime after dinner and before they fell asleep, the children were expected to cover their homework. Trying to stay awake for that, after having run 10 miles, humped over suburban hill and dale selling peanut brittle, and spent a day at school, was frequently physically impossible. Yet, if they brought home bad grades, they were beaten and savage abandon. In addition, it was usually during the homework period from 10 30 to 1 a.m. that their father would go on a rampage, or their mom would be called up to him and leave the babies with the older kids. With this as their daily schedule, Fred Phelps allowed his young family an average of only four to six hours of sleep each night. "In general, he was happy to keep us busy or gone," observes Nate. Mark agrees "My father could tolerate no human needs outside his own. If you had a problem, it was not appropriate to turn to a parent for comfort, advice, or a solution. He would get outraged whenever one of us had some difficulty that focused attention off himself. To have a problem was to get a beating, regardless of what kind of a problem it was, or even if it wasn't your fault. And if it was? Mark takes a deep breath. He recalls one time very clearly when he drew attention to himself. "One night, Nate and I were out selling candy together. We were in a residential area, and while we were selling, we'd unscrew a tiny Christmas light from the evergreens outside people's houses. One of those tiny bulbs on a string? "We were only doing it occasionally for kicks. We'd 'launch' them over the street and listen to them pop on the pavement. We didn't think anything about it. Nate was 10 and I was 14. "Well, I remember very clearly when we got home. I walked into the dining room where the bottom of the stairs were, going up to his bedroom. He was coming down those stairs just as I came in. "Mainly I remember the look on his face. He said, 'Who was selling on Prairie Road tonight?' "It took me a few seconds to register that, first of all, he was really angry, and secondly, it was Nate and me who had been selling on Prairie Road that night. I got sick to my stomach immediately. I remember the intense fear that came over me. I didn't know much yet, but between the look on his face and the questions, I knew something was wrong." Nate Phelps "Nobody answered. He asked again. By that time, Mom had come in. Her face was white. She said, 'Why?'" Mark Phelps "He said, 'I got a call from some guy who told me that there were two boys that had come by his house tonight, and that he was a retired police detective. Was this the church that the boys were selling candy for. I told them it was, and asked why. He told me that, he was sorry to have to report it, but that I should know the boys were stealing light bulbs from Christmas trees and then trying to sell them door-to-door. Who was it?' (The truth was, we were at the time also selling 'Paul Revere' light bulbs that had a lifetime guarantee). Before I could say a word, someone told him that it was Nate and I. He said, 'Let's go.'" Mark Phelps "We went upstairs. He never asked me or Nate one word about whether it was true. He never asked us for our side of the story. All he said, after we got upstairs was, 'How could you endanger the church like that, after all the problems we have? How could you do it, bring reproach on the church like that?'" Nate Phelps "By that time, I was so scared, all I can remember saying was, 'I'm sorry, Daddy. We didn't mean it. We're so sorry'." What followed was the brutal, 200- stroke beating with the mattock handle described at the beginning of Chapter Two. Nate proceeds to describe more of life in the house of Fagin. His father would pass through periods of manic, frenetic activity and bombast, then spend days in bed, watching television and eating as he had in his days of obesity. Despite their full schedules of school, running, and child labor, the pastor had yet one more task for his offspring during his days abed he kept a bell on his headboard to ring for service. "For food, or drink, or Mom, or even the tiniest thing," remembers Nate. "He just wouldn't get out of bed. And we'd all try to avoid going up there. Eventually, he'd get really mad and ring and ring and one of us would have to go. It would usually turn out he wanted a glass of water or something like that-only a few steps away." It would seem to be reminiscent of their father's Jabba-the-Hut days, when the fat pastor sent his eight and nine year-old sons out, four miles round-trip on their bicycles, to fetch him a chicken dinner or a piece of hot apple pie while he wallowed in bed-except Fred Phelps no longer ate those kind of things with a newly experimental palate, he was in hot pursuit of his fading youth. His eye on Methuselah, he was searching out new foods that, paradoxically, might postpone his assured arrival among the elect in the heaven of his hating god. If the children living in the house of Fagin already performed the functions of domestic servants, financial underwriters, and kickbags, now they also had to endure the role of lab rats for Fred's eccentric diets a-la-Ponce-de-Leon. Returning from their 10-mile runs after 10 p.m. each night, not having eaten since noon lunch at school and having paced the pavements for five hours selling candy, the starving children of the earnest Pastor Phelps frequently faced such enticing entrees and one-half head of steamed cabbage and a handful of brewer's yeast tablets. Nate remembers "He'd read a book and one month we'd get nothing but raw eggs in a glass twice a day. Then he'd read another book and we weren't to eat eggs, period." Nate has a different perspective on Margie's charming tale about the curds and whey "My father would buy a sack of powered milk and mix it with water in a five gallon stainless steel pot. Then he'd leave it uncovered for a week beneath the stairs. After it smelled enough to make you throw up, he'd skim the curds off the top and make us eat it in bowls. It smelled so horrible, some of the kids would have to go in the bathroom and vomit." Given the massive caloric cost of being teenagers, walking a sales route, and running 10 miles each day, it's no surprise the Phelps children turned to the nearest, richest source of calories to satisfy their needs the candy they carried at work and which was stored in their very bedrooms. For a period of about six years, the brothers report, the sweets they sold were also the principal element in their diet. So principal, that some of the children began to gain weight. This visible development, particularly in Nate and his sister, Katherine, caused the pastor great upset, says Nate. First, after his own successful battle against obesity, Fred Phelps had little patience for it elsewhere in the family; second, the Captain suspected some of the crew might be eating the strawberries. Jonathon Phelps admits he was of them "You don't muzzle the oxen when you want them to tread the grain," he remembers with a laugh. It is difficult to imagine anyone who runs 10 miles a day becoming obese. In fact, Nate reports that, at the time his father imposed his Nazi Weight Loss program, the teenager was 5'10" and 185. Not leathery and lean, but not worthy of comment on a large-boned male. But to the pastor Phelps, that extra thickness on his son meant thinner profits from the children's crusade. So, in what, for those who didn't have to endure it, may begin to read like a Marx Brothers script, Fred Phelps took steps. He designed a weight-loss regimen for Nate and Kathy. "We were required to weigh ourselves in front of him each night," says Nate. "On his doctor's scales sitting outside his bedroom. If we didn't weigh less than we had the day before, we got beat." Sometimes the two were beaten every night of the week with the mattock. "I'd eat lunch," Nate says, "but I'd throw up before going home. Or take Ex-Lax. So would Kathy. His expectations were impossible, so we learned to manipulate the scales. "We'd place a small piece of tape with several metal nuts attached in the palm of our hand. As we stepped onto the scales, we'd stick the tape to the backside of the balance beam. This would show our weight to be lower than it actually was. "Unfortunately, one day the tape wouldn't stick properly and fell down. The old man didn't see it fall, but he did see that my weight was eight pounds higher than expected. "'You've been eatin' my goddamed candy again!' he yelled. "This led to an 10 hour ordeal of beatings, followed by marathon running sessions, followed by more beatings, followed by running. "The net result was that, at the end of the day, I'd lost 14 pounds and seriously injured my hip. The irony is that, since that weight loss was all fluid dehydration, when I replaced the fluids, I regained the weight. But I didn't know that, and neither did my father." The next day, when Nate had mysteriously shot up 14 pounds, the vexed pastor fell into the frustrated fury reserved for benighted reformers, and son Nate got beaten once more. The incident manifests Pastor Phelps' trademark career combination of ignorance and violence. Afterwards, the teenager was literally forbidden to eat until he lost those extra pounds. Breakfast, Nate never got after that. And when the family lined up for the food cooked in the great pots, Nate wasn't allowed to eat with them. If the menu called for cabbage, curds, or liver pills, his siblings would envy him. But if Fred relented, and something tasty awaited the hungry children-chicken spaghetti, or stew- Nate was never given any. Today, the man is philosophical about the trials of the boy "I'd just sneak food from the fridge later, or eat candy from the boxes," he observes. Incredibly, this father-enforced fast went on for five years. All the while, Nate's weight continued the same, and the pastor continued to accuse him of eating candy. "Well...duh!" laughs Nate today. "If, after five years, I was still alive, I must have been eating something, right?" On his daughter, Kathy, the good pastor imposed an even harsher solution she was locked in her room for the biblical 40 days, given only water to drink, and allowed exit only to the bathroom. Kathy is the oldest daughter and the third-oldest child. She shared a bedroom with Shirley and Margie, the fourth and fifth of the Phelps kids. All three were close at the time. Both Nate and Mark remember that either Margie or Shirley once smuggled Kathy a glass of tomato juice. Fred caught his eldest daughter with it after she'd taken it to her room. When Kathy refused to tell who'd given her the tomato juice, the boys report their father yelled and swore and beat her for nearly two hours. They remark it was one of the worst beatings she ever received. It was delivered by both fist and mattock handle to what was, literally, a starving teenage girl. Even Mrs. Phelps was not immune to the weight- watcher from hell. "He got mad at her once. Said she was getting too fat," remembers Mark. "Right in front of me, he beat her with the mattock. I mean...it was a real...real degrading, humiliating kind of experience to watch your mother treated like that." Fred Phelps wears a bullet-proof vest to all his pickets yet his new-found notoriety may not hit him in the chest, as he fears. No, if fame hath its costs, the pastor may need a padlock for his checkbook, for ancient creditors do stir. The man who stands so self- righteously on streetcorners daily, denouncing the sins of others, it seems forgot to pay for a lot of candy. When sued for payment by his suppliers, the spiritual leader of the Westboro Baptist Church claimed under oath that the candy received was broken, stale, and melted; consequently, it was unsuitable for sale. The fact that his children had already sold it was considered a testimony to their upbringing. However, since it had been sold and there was none to return, the court decided the pastor should pay for the 'melted' candy, irrespective of whether Topekans in the gallery were eating peanut brittle or peanut puddles. Joe Sanders, of the Money Tree Candy Co., in Minneapolis, Minnesota, to whom alone Fred still owes $20,000, including simple interest, has retained a lawyer to resuscitate the debt. "Back in '72, we got a court lien, but we could never find his account," Sanders explains. Mr. Sanders may find Mark and Nate Phelps willing to testify how their father coached them perjury, suggesting the impressionable teenagers state under oath that the candy, which was fresh and good, was in fact stale and melted. This litany of greed is not yet done. After two years of the candy sales, the house of Fagin diversified. A notice was placed in the paper asking for pianos to be donated to an unspecified church. Another notice was placed in the sales' column, advertising pianos. According to Mark and Nate, this arrangement flourished from 1971 through 1972, until someone in the Attorney General's office connected the two ads. Fred was ordered to stop. And did. "But we moved a lot of pianos before then. And we made 150 to 200 bucks each from them," says Mark. Also, starting in 1970, for three summers, Mark and his older brother, Fred, Jr., were cut loose from the candy sales to run a new Phelps enterprise, a lawn care/trash hauling general clean-up business. Mark describes it "At age 16, I had a pick-up and my brother had a pick-up, and we had three lawn mowers. My dad paid for these items from our work selling candy. "He was dispatcher and the scheduler. We were the ones that did the work. He arranged things so tightly, we just plain worked our butts off from 5 a.m. to 10 p.m. "He'd rush us out before dawn, no showers, no breakfast, and we'd be out to the dump to empty our trucks and begin our first job. "He wouldn't budget us money, nor schedule us time for lunch. My dad had me so intimidated, I would have gone along with it, but Fred Jr. usually said otherwise. He'd insist we take time and dollars to go to McDonald's. Then I'd have to overbid the next job, and we'd have to finish early so our dad wouldn't catch us." The children's candy crusade at Westboro Baptist carried on for seven years, from 1968 to 1975. Its stated purpose was to raise money for a new organ in the church. The one finally purchased had two keyboards and nine to twelve foot pedals, say Mark, who, along with Fred, Jr., played it at church services. "It was a Baldwin." The equivalent organ today sells for around $4,000, far more than it did 20 years ago. During the later years of the fundraising campaign, Pastor Phelps claimed the church needed the money for a new carpet. At, say, 100 square yards, it would cost $3,000 to lay a moderately priced carpet in the present church, far more again than in 1973. The target goal of the fundraising could then be safely placed at $7,000. Mark and Nate Phelps have submitted their estimates of the daily cash flow volumes during the candy sales from 1968-1975. These are not wild guesses, as Mark was the accountant for the operation he collected the money and counted it at the end of each day. Candy that was sold to our best recollections estimated dollars half the year, 1968 $22,710 The entire year, 1969$45,420 Estimated total dollars from candy sales:$317,940. We estimate the average dollar amount sold for the specified days: Weeknights during the school year$75/night Saturdays during school year$300/Saturday Six days a week during the summer$220/day Based on this, you can follow the figuring below: Nine months of the school year, approximately would be: Five week night x $75/night = $375 Saturdays$300 675 x 36 weeks, approximately $24,300 Three months of summer months, approximately would be: $220 x six days = $1,320 per week $1320 x 16 weeks = $21,120 $24,300+$21,120 = $45,420/year As one can see, $318,000 does significantly overshoot the stated goal's estimated cost of $7,000. Which leaves $311,000 unaccounted for, plus the income from the piano sales. The candy was marked up 100 to 200 percent from the suppliers' price. Assuming an average 150 percent markup, $191,000 went to the Phelpses and $127,000 to their suppliers. But a cursory search of local court records for the years 1971 to 1974 alone turned up almost $11,000 in unpaid debt to three separate candy companies. According to Joe Sanders at the Money Tree Candy Co., the Pastor Phelps placed an order with them in 1971. The company first sent him only a small order to determine if he was trustworthy. When they received payment, they were happy to fill a much larger order, one amounting to thousands of dollars. They never got their money. Sanders believes the Pastor Phelps may have been running a scam where he paid for the first order and stiffed the suppliers on a much larger second one. "There were so many candy distributors back then, it would have taken him years to work through the list," observes Sanders. Most of those suppliers have long since gone out of business. Their records disappeared with them. But, if a cursory local spot check can show that almost 10 percent of Fred Phelps' debt to his suppliers went unpaid, the inquiring mind might ask how many other companies never went to court, but accepted partial payment or wrote it off as a bad debt. Assuming the boys' estimates upon which these figures are based are correct-and that as equal a portion of unpaid debts were written off as went to court-a very rough guess of the income off candy sales for the seven years, 1968-1975, would be $210,000-or $30,000 a year. Twenty-five years ago, that was nearly three times the annual salary of the average Topekan. Some organ. Some rug. What happened to the rest? "It's obvious isn't it? says Nate. "We used it to live on." In fact, Pastor Phelps defrauded his community of over $200,000 earmarked for a non-profit religious enterprise. It was instead consumed as personal income without paying a single rusty penny in taxes. While a church must originally file an exemption from income tax as a non-profit organization, separation of church and state mean that, unlike other non-profit groups, a church is not required to file the annual form 990-a yearly accounting of its cash income and outlay. Nevertheless, a church is required to keep books and records and be able to demonstrate to IRS auditors that all income has been properly outlaid. The burden of proof lies on the church audited. When Westboro Baptist was incorporated in May of 1967, ominously close to the start of the candy crusade, the church was to be used for religious purposes only- including weekly public services, public prayers, singing of gospel songs and hymns, receiving of tithes and offerings, and observance of baptism and communion. 'Receiving of tithes and offerings' might well have meant legal fees in the pastor's mind. For 11 years, his law offices were located in the building on which he paid no taxes because it was a church. So, too, was his domicile: In 1960, the Eastside Baptist Church, holder of the original lien on the property at Westboro, attempted to foreclose and evict Phelps. The cause, as discussed in Chapter Four, was his altering the function of the property from a public congregation to a private residence. Indeed, with only a few exceptions, since 1958, the 'congregation' at Westboro has been just the Phelps family. The benefits of calling one's own family a church? First, one can go into fundraising for oneself instead of gainful employment. Each of us can at last be our own favorite charity. Second, banco to those pasty property taxes. Third, if one owns a business, they can operate it from within their church at a fraction of the honest overhead. To an observer, it seems remarkable that someone who has paid no personal, property, or corporate taxes for a profitable operation-a.k.a. "religion"-would have the inaccuracy to lecture his community ad nauseam about its misuse of taxes. Mark Phelps estimates the summer lawn and hauling enterprise of 1970, 1971, and 1972 netted between eight to ten thousand a season. Since it was turned over to their father, no doubt it was declared by him as taxable personal income for those years. After the pastor was reinstated to the bar in 1971, the older children were required to put in long hours assisting at the law office. By 1975 and the end of the candy sales, they were coming out of law school, ready to take their place in the trenches against the Adamic race, and willing to underwrite their dad's fantasies with an estimated 10 to 25 percent tithe on their personal incomes. The final irony of all this? In the actual Children's Crusade of 1212, fervent Christian children from all over France were inspired to free Jerusalem from the Moslems. Over 20,000 youths, most of them between the ages of seven and twelve, marched across France to the port of Marseille, where they hoped the pope would provide them ships to the Holy Land. Unfortunately, the ship captains were mostly pirates. When the fleet sailed, it wasn't to Jerusalem, but to the slave ports of North Africa. A generation of child idealists were sold into chains and never heard from again. Of course, the pirates probably weren't ever heard from either. Certainly they never became moral commentators or social reformers. But, back then, pirates had more grace and self-knowledge. That is, if Gilbert and Sullivan can be trusted. CHAPTER SIX "The Law of Wrath" Nowhere was the volatile and abusive nature of Fred Phelps more visible than in the law courts. Six years before the bar, the ill-tempered reverend had already discovered the law was a perfect mattock-handle to punish the world outside his walls. Between 1958 and 1964, Phelps filed 14 lawsuits against his employers, his customers, Leaford Cavin (the Baptist minister who'd given him his new church), the radio station TOP (Phelps had paid to broadcast for 15 minutes each Sunday morning, but then had his show terminated as too inflammatory), Stauffer Communications, former friends, and public officials. In addition, according to a local attorney who recalls those early days when Fred sold baby carriages and cribs door-to-door, Phelps flooded the equivalent of the small claims courts with requests to garnish the wages of young couples who'd missed their payments-however briefly. In one case, Fred Phelps vs. Rattus Lewis, which reached the District Court in 1961, Phelps was accused by Lewis and his wife of tricking them with lies: when they thought they were signing a note vouching for the good credit of another couple, they were actually buying a baby-stroller for a baby they didn't have. The Laces were an uneducated black couple. Phelps was just entering law school seeking, in his words, "to relieve the oppressed" and to achieve social justice via the courtroom-or what he called "the judicial remedy". There seemed, even then, no limit to the pastor's greed and no grasp of decency in his actions: "I remember we were amazed," one member of the court recalls, "that anyone who hadn't been to law school could be so robustly treacherous." One of those must have been Judge Beryl Johnson, who threw more than one of Fred's cases out of court. And, apparently, the judge would remember the pastor's avarice and utter lack of ethics. To be admitted to the bar, Phelps needed a judge to swear to his good character. The process is usually routine. Not for Fred. No judge was willing to do that. Phelps claims it was the same Beryl Johnson, now deceased, who lobbied the other judges not to sign the young graduate off. Eventually, the pastor was able to gain entry after providing numerous affidavits from other character witnesses. Phelps is still bitter about that today. He claims 'they' were closing ranks against his Bible message and against his stated intent to use the courtroom to attack social injustice. In a 1983 interview with the Wichita Eagle- Beacon, Fred defined the 'they' who tried to keep him from the bar as "the leading lights of the Jim Crow Topeka community...the presidents of the First National Bank, Merchants National Bank, Capitol Federal Savings and Loan, and the Kansas Power and Light Company..." The pastor states that, though 'they' tried to stop him, he knew what he had to do: "I was raised in Mississippi. I knew it was wrong the way those black people were treated," he says. He also accuses Lou Eisenbarth, a Topeka lawyer, of having led a delegation of attorneys who tried to block Phelps' admission to Washburn Law School. Eisenbarth just shakes his head in quiet surprise. "Not me." He remembers beating Phelps in one of the pastor's law school civil rights suits, but says there was no delegation to block Phelps going to Washburn. And the judges unanimously refusing to sign off? "If that did happen, it was Phelps' bad temperament and poor judgement that had alarmed community members enough to strenuously object to him practicing the law. It was his litigious and malicious behavior-not fear of any future civil rights work." A few months after Phelps told Capital- Journal reporters, 'I was raised in Mississippi; I knew it was wrong the way those black people were treated', the following incident occurred: A black woman, having to walk through the anti-gay pickets outside the courthouse and minding her own business utterly, politely asked Jonathon not to thrust the camera in her face. Pastor Phelps, unaware a member of the press had come up behind him, screamed at the black woman so loud the pavement should have cracked: "YOU FILTHY NIGGER BITCH!" Once inside the bar, within two years, the young esquire provided his elders' fears were not unfounded. As the court-appointed attorney from October to December, 1966, for a man arrested in a forgery case, Phelps received $200 from the defendant's ex-wife to bond the man from jail. Several days later, the ex-wife hired Phelps to handle a divorce she now sought from her current husband. She paid the pastor $50 to do the legal work. The divorce was granted. Phelps kept the $200 for himself, preparing court records to show he had been paid $250 for the divorce. Meanwhile, the lady's ex-husband remained in jail. In the year prior, there had been more unethical conduct. Phelps had been hired to represent another woman seeking a divorce in March, 1965. Before firing him as her attorney a month later, the woman had paid the pastor $1,000 of the $2,500 fee he was charging her. Phelps had filed an attorney's lien for the balance of the unpaid bill. But a Shawnee County District Court judge had ruled Phelps' services weren't worth more than the $1,000 already paid by the woman, and disallowed the $1,500 lien. So Phelps had filed a lawsuit against the woman in the same court, seeking the $1,500. The Kansas Supreme Court said that amounted to harassment of his client. It stated Phelps' conduct in the case "demonstrates a lack of professional self-restraint in matters of compensation." Assistant Attorney General Richard Seaton would later observe that Phelps had shown a pattern of conduct illustrating "an uncontrollable appetite for money-especially the money of his client." The pastor didn't agree. In May, 1966, he filed for the Democratic nomination to the Kansas House, 45th District. "As a Democrat, I am liberal in my thinking," he announced, "but conservative in spending the people's money." Meanwhile, behind the walls of Westboro, the pastor lay up for days in bed, addicted to drugs, beating his wife and helpless toddlers, and sending seven year-olds to fetch his hot apple pie. A potential public servant perhaps-but one straight out of ancient Rome. In l969, Phelps was brought before the State Board of Law Examiners on seven counts of professional misconduct. Seaton and then Attorney General Kent Frizzell argued that the Westboro minister's conduct as an attorney "is one of total disregard for the duties and the respect and consideration owed by an attorney to his clients. Where money is concerned, the accused simply lacks any sense of balance and proportion. Whatever the reason for this, it appears to me a permanent condition." Frizzell and Seaton wanted Phelps disbarred. Instead, State Supreme Court Justices chose in 1969 to suspend the pastor for two years. Phelps landed on his feet however: the children's candy sales took up the slack in family income-and then some. But the court's sanction did trouble him. It was on the first anniversary of his suspension that Phelps decided his wife wasn't in proper subjection to him and shaved her long hair down to a bad crewcut. Mrs. Phelps later told the children: "He's just upset; it's been one year today since he was suspended." Nine months after he was released from the penalty box for cheating and exploiting his clients, Phelps had the temerity to place his name on the ballot for District Attorney of Shawnee County. At the same time, not only had he just been disciplined for his lack of professional ethics, but he was also being sued by three different candy companies, having stiffed them for almost $11,000. To make matters worse, he had also just eluded criminal charges for beating Nate and Jonathon, and danced in front of his children at the news his oldest son's fiancee had committed suicide. One can only imagine what new turns the pastor's hate would have taken, invested with the power of the D.A.'s office. Because no one else had filed in a race against a popular Republican D.A., Phelps ran unopposed in the August Democratic primary. However, the D.A. was required to have practiced law in the county for five years prior to holding office. As a result of his suspension, Phelps had those years cumulatively but not consecutively. He held he qualified. The State Contest Board held he did not. Phelps appealed first to the District Court, then to the Kansas Supreme Court. He lost. He was disqualified September 28, 1972, leaving the Democrats only five weeks to find another candidate. They lost. Since then, the pastor has maintained bitter relations with a succession of D.A.s-none of them Fred Phelps. Having stumbled at the start of his public career, Phelps returned to private practice and quickly confirmed his colleagues' fears: the angry reverend's working preference was for largely unfounded lawsuits which the defendants would settle out of court to avoid the nuisance of litigation. "I was waiting in the Denver airport with him. We were working a civil rights case," remembers Bob Tilton, a former Democratic state chairman and an acquaintance of Phelps. "He told me had to file 20 lawsuits to get one judgement. I said to him, "But what about the other 19 people you sue? It costs them a lot of money and heartache to defend themselves.' He just laughed at me." Phelps sued Kentucky Fried Chicken for $60,000 when a female client claimed she'd discovered a 'bug' in her breadroll; at the same time, he sued a restaurant owned by Harkies Inc. for $30,000 because the same woman claimed to have dined there and found abone in her barbecue. The client admitted she hadn't eaten either the bug or the bone, and that she'd sought no medical treatment, yet she claimed personal damages totaling $10,000 and punitive damages of $80,000. KFC settled out of court for $600. Harkies likewise for $1,000. In a third case (all three of which were first described in the 1983 expose of Phelps by Steve Tompkins of the Wichita- Eagle Beacon), Fred sued a Denny's restaurant for $110,000. He claimed slander against his client when the man was accused of palming a dollar bill lying beside a register. The restaurant settled out of court for $750. For the most authentic taste of the law according to Pastor Fred, however, one must turn to Sylvester Smith, Jr. versus Kevin P. Marshall. Excerpts from the opinion of the court, delivered by Judge J. McFarland, tell all: "On May 30, 1975, the plaintiff was a passenger in a car driven by the defendant. The defendant drove his vehicle to the left curb of a one-way street in Topeka, Kansas. Plaintiff exited the vehicle from the passenger side and walked in front of the vehicle. Defendant attempted to put the vehicle in reverse, but instead put it in neutral or drive. The defendant's vehicle moved forward. The plaintiff's lower right leg was caught between defendant's vehicle and a parked automobile. These facts are not in dispute. The residual effect of plaintiff's injury was a discoloration of a small area of skin on his leg." The discoloration was the size of a quarter, and the plaintiff's skin was black. A chiropractor, called by the plaintiff to testify, made a gallant attempt: "That is a scar right here. If you hold it just right, you can pull it and see a scar." In effect, Phelps had tied up first the District Court, then the Court of Appeals, and here, the Supreme Court of Kansas over a bruised shin-a quarter-sized scar the pastor insisted constituted a $100,000 disfigurement. To garner the real flavor of civil litigation behind the looking-glass, the lay reader is invited to listen in on the court's discussion of the point at issue: "The record should show that the Court did observe the right leg of Mr. Smith. The parties should also note the Court's observations, the Court did run his finger on the leg in the area that Dr. Counselman described. And the Court's observation, from just a visual and from a touch indication, was that there was no scarring as we understand broken skin with a lesion over the scarring. In other words, it was a smooth feeling. "That area that the Court did observe was ascertainable, discernible, it being more of a, at least to the visual view of the Court, it was more of a discoloration of Mr. Smith's leg. "The record should show Mr. Smith is black. The area in question was darker. It was more of a dark brown area. It was about an inch and a quarter in length and in the middle point running North and South on the leg toward the center, as Dr. Counselman indicated, and toward the center of the area. It extended to, perhaps, about a half an inch. But I would say it would be East and West across the leg and about an inch and a quarter long. Now that is what the visual observation indicates..." That Phelps could get a bruised shin all the way to the Supreme Court certainly testifies to his persistence. It also reveals the predatory, surreal and parasitic nature of civil litigation in our society. However, before the reader loses all faith in a fast-fading institution, we hasten to point out that reason did prevail. The Supreme Court reversed the Court of Appeals and affirmed the decision of the trial court which had found in favor of the defendant: "Assuming it to be permanent, I cannot believe it is the type of 'disfigurement' intended by the Legislature to support this plaintiff's claim for $100,000 in damages. It seems to me this is a prime example of those 'exaggerated claims for pain and suffering in instances of relatively minor injury' the Court recognized in Manzanares, and just the type of 'minor nuisance' claim the Legislature intended to eliminate." The appellation of 'minor nuisance' may, in the end, sum up the life, law, and ministry of Fred Waldron Phelps. Perhaps the most ridiculous example of the pastor's apparent obsessive need to chisel for chump-change is the $50,000,000 lawsuit filed against Sears and Co. When Mark and Fred, Jr. placed a color television on Christmas layaway in September of 1973, they didn't realize it had been set aside on paper, not actually taken off the shelf and held in the stockroom. When they paid the balance in November, they were told their TV would be ready at Christmas-as they had originally contracted. Three days later, the pastor filed suit in his sons' names and those of 1,000,000 other Sears' layaway customers. "We didn't have anything to do with it," says Mark. It was strictly his idea. In fact, when I left home that year right after Christmas, it put him in a bind. He had a case that was missing a plaintiff." Court documents show Sears called the Phelpses and told them the television would be available later in November. The two Freds chose not to accept it. Instead, they pressed their suit. Nearly six years of litigation followed. Motions and counter motions were filed. Lawyers argued aspects of the case in front of judges. A judge threw out the class action section of the suit. Finally, after countless hours of legal work and an original request for $50,000,000, the case was settled in favor of the Phelpses for $126.34. The boys had originally paid $184.59 for the set, but they never received it. These are not the files that will one day inspire a new Earl Stanley Gardner. By 1983, according to the Wichita Eagle- Beacon, there had been "more complaints filed against Phelps, and more formal hearings into his conduct, than any other Kansas attorney since records have been kept." If in fact he did lead the judges' conspiracy to block Fred Phelps from the bar, few would fault old Beryl Johnson today. In 1976, the reverend-esquired was investigated by the Kansas Attorney General's office. In 73 percent of the pastor's lawsuits, the inquiry discovered the defendants had settled or agreed to settle out of court. In the 57 cases already settled, Phelps had demanded a total of $75,200.00-but then taken an average of only $1,500 per case to walk away. Litigation would have cost his adversaries far more. It was naked extortion, nothing more. Phil Harley, the Assistant Attorney General who led the investigation, now an attorney in San Francisco, confirmed to the Capital-Journal a statement he made to the press 10 years ago: "Based on my experience with him, I reached the personal conclusion that Mr. Phelps used the legal system to coerce settlements and abuse other people." In an opinion filed in a 1979 civil rights case, Federal Judge Richard Rogers-no stranger to the pastor's ways, a significant portion of his docket was taken up by Fred's lawsuits- supported Harley's conclusions: "I feel Mr. Phelps files 'strike suits' of little merit in the expectation of securing settlements by defendants anxious to avoid the inconvenience and expense of litigation." In fact, when those sued by Phelps did not blink, but forced him into court, the angry pastor lost 75 percent of the time-an astonishing record that explodes the myth of the invincible Fred Phelps, a myth which intimidates his community even today. On November 8, 1977, the state filed a complaint seeking to have Phelps disbarred in its courts. The complaint centered on the pastor's behavior in a lawsuit filed against Carolene Brady, a court reporter in Shawnee County District Court. Phelps sought $2,000 in actual damages and $20,000 punitive damages, alleging Brady had failed to have a court transcript ready when he'd asked for it. According to court documents, prior to filing the lawsuit, Phelps allegedly told Brady "he had wanted to sue her for a long time". During the trial, the pastor called Brady to the stand, had her declared a hostile witness, and cross-examined her for several days. Phelps not only attacked Brady's competence and honesty, he also attempted to introduce testimony about her sex life. The Kansas Supreme Court would later observe: "The trial became an exhibition of a personal vendetta by Phelps against Carolene Brady. His examination was replete with repetition, badgering, innuendo, belligerence, irrelevant and immaterial matter, evidencing only a desire to hurt and destroy the defendant." The Supreme Court went on to comment, after the jury had found for Brady and Phelps sought a new trial: "The jury verdict didn't stop the onslaught of Phelps. He was not satisfied with the hurt, pain, and damage he had visited on Carolene Brady." In asking for a new trial, Phelps prepared affidavits swearing to the court he had new witnesses whose testimony would weigh in dramatically on his side. Brady obtained affidavits from eight of those witnesses, showing they would not testify as the pastor had claimed, that, in fact, Phelps had lied to the court. The formal complaint against Phelps would not be for harassing Brady, but that he had "clearly misrepresented the truth to the court". Phil Harley, the same Assistant Attorney General who had investigated Phelps in 1976, represented the state in the 1979 disbarment proceedings. Harley wrote: "When the attorneys engage in conduct such as Phelps has done, they do serious injury to the workings of our judicial system. Even the lay person could see how serious Phelps' infractions are. To allow this type of conduct to go essentially unpunished is being disrespectful to our entire judicial system. It confirms the layman's suspicion that attorneys are 'above the law' and can do anything they please with impunity." Harley continued: "Phelps has now been given two chances to show that he is capable of conducting himself in a manner that is expected of an attorney. On both occasions, he has flagrantly violated the oath he swore to uphold. He should not be given a third opportunity to harm the public or the judicial system. Fred W. Phelps should be disbarred." The Kansas Supreme Court agreed, adding: "The seriousness of the present case, coupled with his previous record, leads this court to the conclusion that respondent has little regard for the ethics of his profession." The date was July 20, 1979. Even so, the vindictive pastor would have his revenge cold, however small the portion: When Mark Bennett, the attorney chairing the state grievance committee originally recommending Phelps be disbarred died, the aggrieved Fred came to the wake and signed the guestbook. Beside his name, Phelps wrote the numbers of a chapter and verse from the Bible. When the shattered widow looked it up, it said 'vengeance is mine'. Based on his state court disbarment, Phelps was banned from practicing law in federal courts from October, 1980 until October, 1982. Amazingly, the pastor was back in trouble almost immediately following his return. Demand letters sent in 1983 to people Phelps planned to sue brought him right back up for disciplinary charges in federal court. Initiated by Wichita lawyer Robert Howard, the complaint charged that Phelps sent letters to businesses and individuals he intended to sue, informing them of litigation unless they paid money to the pastor's client. Called before a panel of three federal judges barely two years after he had returned to the law, nonetheless Fred and his family of flyspeckers had been busy: Phelps Chartered had almost 200 lawsuits pending in the U.S. courts. In one, the pastor was suing Ronald Reagan for appointing an ambassador to the Vatican. In others, he was demanding an injunction against moments of silence in schools; suing a local teacher who had criticized the doctrine of predestination' and asking $5,000,000 in damages for libel from the Wichita Eagle-Beacon for the story it ran in 1983. All of these suits would come to nothing. The sheer number of cases generated out of Phelps Chartered, and the family's genius for antagonization set the stage for the next conflict: Fred on the deserted platform, waiting to stare down the federal judges arriving on the noon train. Too late, Phelps would learn that, in a staring contest with a federal judge, one should be a fish if they expect him to blink first. The hard lesson would soon take the 'esquire' out of the irascible pastor. Of the five active federal judges in Kansas, two of them, Earl O'Connor of Kansas City and Patrick Kelly of Wichita, had already voluntarily removed themselves from hearing any cases involving Phelps Chartered. Lawyers from the family had filed motions accusing them of racial prejudice, religious prejudice, and conspiring to violate the civil rights of the seven Phelps attorneys. At first, the judges were only too happy to comply: they were as eager to be rid of the Phelps brand of tawdry courtroom hysteria as the pastor and company wanted to be done with them. Kelly, in fact, even told the pastor "good riddance" to his face during a special hearing the judge had called to upbraid Phelps-a hearing for which Kelly would later be reprimanded. Believing he had intimidated them, Fred made his fatal, final mistake as the bad boy of the Kansas courts: he went for a third judge. The pastor publicly accused Richard Rogers of the U.S. District Court in Topeka of racial prejudice, dislike of civil rights cases, engaging in a racially motivated vendetta against the seven Phelpses, and conspiring against them with Judge O'Connor. Rogers counter- charged the Phelpses had launched a campaign to disqualify him from hearing Phelps litigation in an attempt to go 'judge shopping'. Even if Rogers had wanted to remove himself, his hands were tied. Almost 90 of those 200 lawsuits generated by Phelps Chartered had been assigned to Rogers; court-approximately one-fifth of his entire caseload. If Rogers bowed out, it would leave only two federal judges, Dale Saffels of Kansas City and Sam Crow of Wichita, to handle the swarm of 200 Phelps suits, as well as their dockets from the rest of the state. "I'll grant you it creates a logistics problem," admitted Margie Phelps at the time, "but I didn't create the problem. If it takes going to the other end of the United States...to get another judge and bring him in to hear our cases, that's what the law requires." When Rogers refused to acquiesce to the pastor's demands, Phelps began a campaign of innuendo and wild accusations that Topekans today will recognize as pure Fred. An article in the Capital-Journal, January 16 of 1986, describes this early forerunner of the Phelps' fax campaign: "The judge has disputed affidavits filed by Phelps clients who say he has made derogatory comments about the Phelpses at the Topeka County Club, the YMCA, in an elevator at the First National Bank, and at a judicial conference last September in Tulsa. "For example, the Phelpses accuse Rogers of telling Chris Davis, a Topeka man who attended the Tulsa conference, "You had better not plan on practicing law with the Phelps firm in my court, because I intend putting them out of business before much longer'. "They also quote an affidavit given by Brent Roper, a Topeka man who said Rogers became angry at the conference banquet when a band leader drew attention to the Phelps attorneys. Rogers is said to 'stalked from the ballroom', saying, 'Those - - Phelpses, they're everywhere showing off,' and 'It will be harder now, but I will destroy them.'" The irony here is that both 'Topeka' men quoted as apparent uninvolved bystanders were, in fact, Fred Phelps' sons-in-laws, or soon to be. Chris Davis was one of two families, the Hockenbargers and the Davises, that remained in the Westboro Church. He married the seventh Phelps child, Rebekah, in 1991. The other "Topeka man", Brent Roper, joined the Westboro community as a homeless teenager, was put through law school by the pastor, and married Shirley Phelps. The image of a federal judge stalking from a ballroom uttering darkly, "it will be harder now, but I will destroy them," it seems, on its face, a rather amateurish dip in slander. These are lines from the movies, from a Lex Luthor, and not a Richard Rogers. It is noteworthy here to mention that Roper is also the author of a privately published book that argues AIDS was first introduced to the United States by Truman Capote, following a book promotion in South Africa. According to Roper, both JFK and Marilyn Monroe contracted the disease simultaneously from Capote during a touch football game in the White House Rose Garden. The CIA was forced to kill the fab couple, he says, to keep them from spreading the deadly virus to the rest of the nation. Copies may be difficult to find. After Rogers remained stubborn despite the slanderous attacks, he claimed the Phelpses threatened to sue him on behalf of a client Rogers didn't know. It was not an empty threat. In August, 1985, the pastor Phelps and his daughter, Margie, had brought a suit against Judge O'Connor on behalf of a former federal probation officer. Though the man had been removed from his position by a vote of the full court of federal judges, the suit named O'Connor. At the time, O'Connor was under pressure from the Phelpses to disqualify himself (and did) from a 30-judge panel that would rule on the pastor's 1983 demand letters. The family Phelps had started a shooting war in the wrong neighborhood. On December 16, 1985, a complaint signed by every federal judge in Kansas was lodged against the Phelps lawyers. It called for the disbarment of the seven family attorneys-Fred, Fred, Jr., Jonathon, Margie, Shirley, Elizabeth, and Fred's daughter-in-law, Betty, and the revocation of their corporate charter. The 9 angry judges accused the Phelpses of asserting "claims and positions lacking any grounding in fact", making "false and intemperate accusations" against the judges, and undertaking a "vicious pattern of intimidation" against the court. "Time and time again," says Mark Phelps, "I can remember something would happen in the way of actions or lawsuits being filed against him or one of his clients. He would fume and cuss and strain and spew and carry on. Then, he would come up with his plan of attack. "He'd get real excited after his deep depression, and he'd carry on around the law office crowing about the cunning, brilliant strategy he had come up with. He'd put it into action, and he'd just thrill over it. "He'd say: 'Do we know how to deal with these types? You bet we do. We goin' to sue the pants off of them. We goin' to slap them with the fattest lawsuit they ever did see. We goin' to frizzle they fricuss and burn all the lent right out of they navel. When they get this, they goin' think twice about messin' with ol' Fred Phelps.' "He'd have a ball thinking about how he was going to get even-and even better than even-and then he'd go into action. "Next thing you knew, they'd respond with some action. And I guess he always thought they'd be like his won family-willing to take anything he dished out. I guess he just naturally expects people to roll over and play dead. So, when they'd come back with a logical, predictable response to his behavior, he'd go crazy: "'These heathen! These Sons of Belial! These enemies of God and His Church! God's gonna get them! He won't let them (get) by with this!' "My father would complain and yell at God, and throw a fit at Mom, and carry on at the kids." In September of 1987, the federal judicial panel investigating the demand letters sent by Phelps found evidence to sustain two of the four charges against him. The pastor had been accused of demanding money and other relief for claims he knew to be false. The panel of judges issued a public censure of him. In layman's terms, Pastor Phelps had attempted to strong-arm money from the innocent and been caught. And, come high noon, there would be one less Phelps at the bar. When the nine judges first entered their complaint in 1985, Margie, the spokeswoman and courtroom representative for the family in the matter, said: "The bottom line is we will fight every charge, every way." But, upon hearing the extent of the evidence collected against them, the Phelpses asked the judges and investigator to find a way to end the case without resorting to litigation. They agreed to the punishment specified in the consent order. Margie signed the order, acknowledging her family accepted it voluntarily and waived any right to appeal. The resulting compromise singled out those who, according to the investigator, were the three worst offenders: Fred, Jr. was suspended six months from practicing in federal courts. Margie received a one-year suspension, in part because she had maliciously misrepresented a conversation she'd had with Judge O'Connor. Having been suspended from the state courts for cheating his clients, and then barred from them for lying to a trial judge, having been censured in federal courts for pursuing claims he knew to be false, the angry pastor was now barred from them forever because he had lied about the judges in an attempt to impugn the integrity of the court. The leopard may be older, but it still has its spots. The federal disbarment deprived Fred Phelps of his last arena of legal abuse. Unless he could find a new outlet for his hate, the defrocked esquire from Mississippi was now just an angry eccentric, no lawyer, not even a pastor-except in the fear-conditioned eyes of his family. Nonetheless, Fred Phelps has always held that all the bad things happened in his law career because he was a tireless Christian soldier, battling for black civil rights. A careful examination of his more salient cases, however, reveals once again how, with such odd regularity, some men of the cloth seem to confuse community service with lip and self-service. The hallmark of a devoted civil rights reformer who is also a lawyer ought to be a record of court decisions that, taken together, create legal precedents influencing future cases and, therefore, future society. Sadly, close inspection of Phelps' civil rights record shows he followed the same greedy star he did in the rest of his cases. Lawsuits were filed, but rarely went to trial-and even more rarely reached a decision. Instead, Phelps practiced what he always had: 'take-the-money-and run'. A settlement out-of-court has zero impact on legal precedent. Both sides continue to maintain they were right, only one party pays the other a little money to shut up and go away. In what are probably Fred Phelps' three most famous civil rights cases, he did exactly that each time. In the multi-million dollar Kansas Power and Light case, Phelps filed a class-action on behalf of 2,000 blacks who had accused the utility of discrimination in their hiring and promotion practices. Fred settled out of court for the following: Two black employees received $12,000 each. $100,000 was paid out to the other plaintiffs. If one counts the original 2,000, that made for 50 bucks each. Phelps scooped $85,000 in attorney's fees and expenses. KP&L admitted no wrongdoing and suffered no coercion to alter its allegedly racist policies. KP&L officials claimed they'd settled to avoid an expensive legal battle. "It's unprecedented what we just did," the pastor crowed. Certainly it left no precedent. In the American Legion suit, which stemmed from a police raid on a Topeka post with a largely black membership, again Phelps settled for small cash outside of court. Perhaps his most publicized case was the Evelyn Johnson suit, touted as son of Brown vs. Board of Education, the landmark school desegregation case filed against another Topeka USD 501 school in 1955. Brown vs. Board of Education, along with the Selma bus case, became the basis for the civil rights movement in the sixties. In 1973, Evelyn Johnson's aunt and legal guardian, Marlene Miller, sue the Unified School District, number 501, a state entity which contained the Topeka area public schools. Miller, represented by Fred Phelps, claimed the district had failed to comply with the ruling in Brown vs. Board of Education. It had not provided the same educational opportunities and environments to the black neighborhoods as it had to the white areas of the city. Phelps boosted Miller's complaint into a 200 million dollar class action suit. When that was tossed out, he pressed on with the individual action on behalf of Mrs. Johnson. In 1979, the pastor agreed to settle out of court with the district's insurance company. Phelps accepted the company's condition the settlement be sealed from public scrutiny to discourage others who might have been inclined to sue for the same reasons. Hardly the act of a hard-knuckled civil rights reformer. When the contents of the settlement were revealed later, it turned out the pastor had collected $19,500 from the insurance company- $10,600 himself, and $8,900 in a trust for Johnson. If the attorneys for Brown had settled for cash outside the courtroom instead of a decision, there would have been no legal grounds for the federal government to pressure a segregated America to conform to the new social standards, and quite possibly no civil rights movement. In light of that, it is difficult to understand how $8,900 in trust to a 15 year- old, uneducated girl was going to remedy either her or her school-mates' problem. After the settlement, Evelyn Johnson attended Topeka High School, rated one of the best in the nation. She performed poorly and dropped out without graduating. Certainly her life and prospects, and those of her peers, remained generally unchanged by the out of court pay-off. Since no ruling was made and no precedent established to reinforce Brown vs. Board of Education, nothing came from six years of Phelps' litigation except $10,600 for himself and a reputation, however undeserved, as a civil rights hero. In other instances, the issue of civil rights was so flimsily connected, and the case so absurd, that any serious interest in social change on Phelps' part has to be questioned: In 1979, the pastor sued Stauffer Communications, owner of WIBW-TV, for over $1,000,000 on behalf of a 23 year-old black man, Jetson Booth, who had appeared in footage aired by the station. Booth was shown surrounded by police during camera coverage of a shoot-out involving the officers and two unidentified men. "If plaintiff had been a white man, defendants (WIBW-TV) would not have treated him in this fashion," Phelps asserted in the suit. The case was dismissed for lack of cause shown. In 1985, Phelps Chartered was order to pay attorney's fees amounting to $7,800 for police officer Dean Forster after the firm had sued him for civil rights violations of a client. It turned out Forster had no connection to the incident in question, and, furthermore, the Phelps lawyers had known that from the beginning of their litigation. In an astonishing number of his cases, it would seem the pastor thought 'civil rights' was an open sesame to the good life-for himself. In 1979, Phelps was sued by a Wichita law firm that claimed he had "tortuously interfered in the lawyer-client relationship". Three black women and two of their children had been grievously injured in an auto accident. One of the women was in a coma for years. Allegedly, Pastor Phelps learned about the case through local black ministers. He also somehow discovered that the liable insurance company's coverage was not the $100,000 they were claiming-but 1.1 million, of which the lucky attorney representing the victims would scoop up 35 percent . The aggrieved law firm protested Phelps had wooed the clients with his erstwhile reputation as a civil rights advocate. Because of his interference, they asserted, the goose of the golden eggs had fired its midwife attorneys and taken their 35 percent to Phelps Chartered. Phelps responded the other law firm was "all white", and that, in part, they'd lost their clients because of their "racially biased and overbearing treatment of said black people." In the final settlement, however, the judge awarded $644,000 to the victim and $366,000 to the lawyers-of which only $122,000 went to Fred. Disappointing work for one who'd chased his ambulance with such laudable ethnic sensitivity. Probably the most bizarre and ludicrous example of Fred Phelps exploiting the title of 'civil rights crusader' was in 1983, when three of his children failed to make the cut for Washburn School of Law. The pastor filed suit in federal court on behalf of Tim, Kathy, and Rebekah, claiming his children should be granted minority status because of his civil rights work. Furthermore, Phelps argued, Washburn Law's record on affirmative action was inadequate. They needed to accept more blacks into their freshman class each year. "It is important to note this case is brought by white applicants who are asking to be treated as blacks," observed Carl Monk, dean of the law school. "They would not be asking to be treated as blacks unless they felt such treatment would help them." That case was still in court the following year when Washburn allowed Timothy in but again denied admission to Kathy and Rebekah. The reverend filed suit once more, but this time with a twist. In the second suit, he offered his children were the victims of reverse discrimination because they were white. He complained the law school had admitted blacks in 1984 who were far less qualified than his own offspring. So much for the family commitment to affirmative action. U.S. District Judge, Frank Theis, was not amused. Ruling on the 1983 case, he stated first that, "the plaintiffs simply were not qualified for admission to law school," and second, that the new 1984 case weakened the case before him from 1983. The judge told Phelps he could not argue the school discriminated against blacks, and then sue again, saying it preferred blacks over whites, and be taken seriously. Katherine and Rebekah eventually got their law degrees down at Oklahoma City University. Phelps Chartered got spanked with a $55,000 assessment by the court to pay Washburn's attorneys' fees. It was negotiated down, and Pastor Fred signed the check over at $12,000 in restitution for bringing a 'frivolous suit of no merit' against the college. In Phelps' eyes, it had been another blow against empire for the bold pastor. There is an interesting sidebar to this story. When the Phelps children were first turned down by Washburn in 1983, they appealed to the law school's internal grievance committee. It found no race-based discrimination in the rejection of the three Phelps. However, one of the panel members, Karl Hockenbarger, a Washburn University employee, filed a dissent, stating it was clear to him the three had been "denied admission to the law school because of their identification with Fred Phelps Sr., and the cause of civil rights for blacks." Hockenbarger went on to add: "Blacks in Kansas generally depend on the Phelps family and firm as their last and best hope for attaining equal justice." He is, of course, the same Karl Hockenbarger who daily pickets with the Phelpses, and one of the few non-family members who still attends the pastor's church at Westboro. Mr. Hockenbarger's shared concern with his pastor for the plight of Kansas blacks may not be as deep as it appears: Police surveillance of the Westboro community has allegedly tied Hockenbarger to white supremacist groups like the Posse Comitatus and the Ku Klux Klan. "Civil rights lawsuits presented a vast opportunity to make money back then," says Nate Phelps. "My father used to say he had a huge target and all he had to do was shoot. I don't blame him for choosing a lucrative area of the law, it's just that he was not motivated by some noble, altruistic desire "to champion the case of the downtrodden." Asked if he filed "nuisance lawsuits" once, Pastor Phelps replied: "They think it's a nuisance if you call a black man a nigger. That's just trivial to them, bit it's not trivial to him, and it's not trivial to his children." During their teenage years, both Mark and Nate worked as law clerks in their father's office. "When a black client was in there," recalls Nate, "my father would play the 'DN' game with us. It stands for 'dumb nigger'. We would all try to use the acronym as often as possible in the presence of the person involved." In the 1983 interview with the Wichita Eagle-Beacon, Phelps intoned, echoing Abraham Lincoln: "The air of the United States is too pure for racial prejudice to keep going, and the nation can't long endure half-slave and half-free. There is not any doubt that the problems of this country derive, in my humble opinion, from the way this country continues to treat black people." But according to his sons in California, part of the theology of the Old Calvinism Fred taught held that blacks were a subservient race because they were the sons of Ham, the son of Noah. Cursed for ridiculing Noah's nakedness, Ham's children were born black, according to the Bible. Some scholars attribute apartheid in South Africa to the fact that the white minority is predominantly Calvinist and takes the Ham story to heart. Mark definitely recalls that his father taught the Ham story and took it to its Calvinist conclusions: the black race was cursed and meant to be the "servants of servants" - i.e., subservient to whites. Nate agrees. "He taught that in Sunday sermon many times while we were growing up." Both boys recall their father used to tell black jokes. "And he'd imitate them after they'd left our office," remembers Mark. However, the piece-de-resistance in the ongoing saga of Phelps hypocrisy is the pastor's relationship with the Reverend Pete Peters of La Porte, Colorado. Peters is the guru-philosopher of the Christian Identity Movement. Known simply as "Identity", the movement believes the white race is God's true Chosen People. They assert the Jews are animal souls that rewrote the Old Testament to give themselves the Chosen's birthright. Blacks are "mud people" who also possess animal souls-meaning they are not immortal and cannot go to heaven. According to Identity, blacks and Jews want to eliminate the white race and rule the earth. Randy Weaver, the man arrested in the Idaho mountaintop shout-out with F.B.I., was a member of the Posse Comitatus and a follower of Identity. Peters broadcasts his shortwave radio program, "Scriptures for America", around the world, calling for death to homosexuals and warning against the international Jewish conspiracy. Fred Phelps has done broadcasts on "Scriptures for America", and tapes of his anti-gay message and offered for sale in Peters' mail order catalogues. When asked about it, Pastor Phelps only smiles enigmatically and offers that Pete Peters owns the rights to those broadcasts and can sell them if he wants. But Peters, reached by phone at his church in La Porte, says: "If he (Fred Phelps) didn't want them out, even if I had a right, I wouldn't put them out. I have the greatest respect for him." The militant white supremacist then adds ominously, "He's got the support of god-fearing people across this country that are not afraid to back a man who tells it like it is. "And he's got my support if he needs help-whenever he needs help." Not empty words. Though Peters himself was cleared, it is still widely believed by Klanwatch and other groups monitoring extremist activity that the right- wing hit team that killed Alan Berg, the Denver talk radio host, came from or were associated with Peters' congregation. Reverend Fred Phelps, friend of the struggling black? Listed next to one of Fred's tapes in Pete Peters' catalogue is one by Jack Mohr, a man who describes himself as the "Brigadier General of the Christian Patriot Defense League", but whom the F.B.I. has identified as a weapons instructor for the Ku Klux Klan. Why in the world would a person with these associations proclaim himself a civil rights' crusader? In the words of 'Deep Throat', "follow the money." And in those of Richard Seaton, the Assistant Attorney General who led the first attempt to disbar Phelps back in 1969, the pastor had "an uncontrollable appetite for money-especially the money of his clients." CHAPTER SEVEN "Nightmare of Twelfth Street" "Since no one else would join, my father sired us for congregations," observes Mark. "We were the only members because we had no choice. When we got old enough to make our own decisions, choose our life's work, and our life's mates, did you think he'd permit that? "Without his children, my father had no church and he has no income." Fred Phelps' bizarre behavior toward his children as struggled to become adults is as disturbing as it is revealing. Growing up in the pastor's family meant going from door-to-door sales, domestics, and wage earners to lawyers and tithe payers. To Phelps, adulthood for his children meant soldiers for his wars. To accomplish this, he would attempt to arrest and redirect each child's path to fulfillment. They were not to leave his nest, nor learn to fly: "The Bible may say you're gonna be the head of your house. But I'm tellin' you right now, goddammit, that ain't gonna happen! I'm gonna be the head of your house! And you better start gettin' that through your head right now!" Mark pauses at the memory. "You know, he couldn't say, I desperately need you; please don't leave me." His heart was too closed off by some devastating unknown injury, and his mind was so sophisticated, so intelligent, he could weave a steel cape around us we couldn't get out of. It was emotional. And it was the use of religion." But how could Fred Phelps maintain control of the lives and dreams of his children? Against his desire for a family that would be an extension of himself were arrayed some formidable forces: the adolescent's yearning for independence was one; the pull of hormones and the heart of another. In addition, the harshness of the children's upbringing left them with little genuine respect or love for their father. Then what wrought such conformity? Two obstacles, both too high for 9 of the 13 to surmount. They are the twin secrets of Pastor Phelps' sway over his troubled flock. First, and most important, while they may not be overly enthusiastic about his job as a father, the Phelps' children still accept, respect, and obey him as the head of their church. Since, in their belief, the Elect may reach heaven only through the portal of The Place, he who runs The Place holds the keys to the gates of Paradise. The children weren't afraid to disobey or argue with their father when, in later adolescence, they didn't seize the hand beating them or leave the place holding them. Rather, they were terrified to oppose the will of heaven's gatekeeper and imperil their souls. Literally, to was the fires of hell and not the mattock whose heat they felt in all their choices. "My father established early on the expectations of each child in the family for their entire life," says Nate, "and the consequences if those expectations weren't met. According to him, each of us would finish college, get your law degree, work for him, and marry whom he chose, when he chose. By no means were we allowed to leave that situation, or it would be seen as 'abandoning the church'. If we did that, we'd be excommunicated." Besides being groomed as lawyers, Mark says he and his siblings were constantly told they were different. "We were taught we were abnormal from the time we were able to learn," he says. "That the rest of the world out there was evil. That we The Place. And inside The Place, people were good and going to heaven. "Outside The Place they were all damned and going to hell. And, if that other world ever got us down, we were taught to find strength by imagining the terrible horrors that would happen soon to everyone outside The Place." 'The Place' was how his father referred to the church, add Nate. "If you left, you were forsaking the assembly and you were delivered to Satan for the destruction of the flesh. He had his repertoire down. "Of course, he justified it by manipulating various passages in the Bible. "One passage refers to a child 'leaving his father and mother and cleaving to his wife'. He interpreted this to mean a child was not to leave his parents until he was married. But, since he decided who and when we were to marry, he controlled this. "Another passage mentions 'not forsaking the assembling of yourselves together'. Since he had long ago established in our minds that his church was where the Elect came to assemble, that it was 'The Place', he could lead us easily to the belief that to leave home was to 'leave' the company of the Elect, to join the innumerable multitude of the damned." And the second of the twin secrets? "To cast the world beyond The Place as evil and fatal to the soul. Then manipulate the local community so they would react with hostility and aggression whenever a kid would venture out. It's why my father insisted we go to public school, you know. Thanks to him, we were hated before we even got there on Day One. And people were so mean to us, that, when we came home, Fred could say, 'See, I told you so. They're evil and reprobate. They're not like us.'" The family does not believe in Christmas, states the Pastor Phelps, because there is no mention of it in the Bible; nowhere does it say Jesus Christ was born on December 25. (The date for many Christian holidays, in fact, derive from pre-Christian Europe: Christmas from the winter solstice on December 21; Easter from the vernal equinox on March 21; All Souls for Halloween from the Feast of the Samhain or the Day of the Dead, on October 31.) While accurate, if somewhat unnecessary theology (since Christmas in America is really a shopping, not a religious, holiday), as sociology, Fred's 'bah-humbug' to the season of comfort and joy did significantly add to the burden of 'otherness' that caused the world outside to repel his children and grandchildren back to The Place. "From kindergarten, we were not allowed to stay in the classroom if there were Christmas activities going on,: says Nate. "We always had to go to another room, usually the library. My father threatened to sue the schools if they did not remove us during those times." The man pauses, remembering the sorrows of the boy: "Our humiliation was constant." Even so, from suing the schools to shooting his neighbor's dog, Fred Phelps' personal and litigious behavior would have ensured his children a cool reception in their community-without an encore as the pastor who stole Christmas. "We weren't allowed to participate in any activities at school," adds Nate. "Not through most of our childhoods." "No sports, not even track," says Mark. "Until my senior year. "And no outside friends. No one was allowed to visit, and we weren't allowed to go anywhere. To birthday parties or anything. Then, shave our heads. My father wanted the world to reject us. It would drive us right back to him. To the Place. The world-within-a-world. The one that was Fredcentric." Spouses were not welcome in such a world-except as a last resort to hold the child. There were to be no girls for the boys. And no boys for the girls. "If my dad had his way," confesses Shirley, "none of us would have gotten married. He'd just as soon keep everyone away, thanks." "Kathy's was my father's favorite," remembers Margie. "She had blue eyes and dark hair. She was very pretty and he would spoil her. He used to bounce her on his knee and sing 'The Yellow Rose of Texas' to her. But after she was about 15 or 16, they had nothing to say to each other. She'd be home, but she kept her distance from him. "And she was a bitch throughout her teen years. She was very mean to the rest of the kids. Kathy became very self-destructive back then, and she's stayed that way since." Concludes Margie: "I never understood why." Perhaps her brothers on the West Coast have a clue: "Then came a time when suddenly Kathy got in my dad's doghouse," relates Mark. "A boy had called once or something. From that time on, he commenced to beating her, and he stayed on her and stayed on her rear end that wouldn't l; because of how often and how severely she got beat. "He'd beat her routinely in the church, against the foundation pole. He'd beat her with mattock and then twist her arm behind her back. She'd be screaming- bloodcurdling screams-and all because someone had called her up on the telephone. "Later, it got so if the phone rang and they hung up, he'd assume it was a boy looking for Kathy, and that she was 'doing' him, and then she'd get beaten for that. "And, on top of that, she and Nate were getting beaten several times a week for their weight. "Later, when Mark and Fred were in college," says Nate, "Mom would take everyone out to sell candy, but she'd leave Kathy home alone with Fred. She'd get beaten during those times, just like I had." Kathy tried to escape the nightmare called 'home' at the Westboro Baptist Church at least three times between the age of 17 and 18. Each time, the pastor found out where she was living and led a Phelps' quick-reaction team to literally snatch her away from her life and bring her back. In one incident, Kathy was living in a quiet Topeka neighborhood and dating a boy Mark knew from high school. "It was the summertime, about 6:30 in the evening," Nate recalls. "Her boyfriend pulled in to pick her up on a date. We'd been waiting for her to come out of the house, and when she did, we just swooped in. We had two cars. Mark was driving one and my dad the other. It was real 'Starsky and Hutch'. We blocked off the departing vehicle, and pulled her out of the car while her date just sat there stunned." "At home my father beat her terribly," says Mark. "It was then she was locked in her room for 40 days on nothing but water." Mark remembers one of the 'parental intercessions' was actually a kidnapping: Kathy was 18 when it occurred. Though she eventually finished college and graduated law school, according to some of her siblings, Kathy has yet to find resolution to her anger and self- destruction. In recent years, she has allowed her active status at the bar to lapse, waitressed at Topeka's Ramada Inn, been laid off, gone of public assistance, and been convicted on passing bad checks. "My sister, Kathy...," reflects Mark, "...everything my father's done to her...she's just been so deeply hurt as a human being, I don't think she can cope out there..." Nate has one memory that sticks in his mind. Once, while she was going to college and living in the compound, Kathy went jogging late one night, as was her habit. But, this time, the sight of a woman running through a darkened residential neighborhood after 1 a.m. caught the attention of a patrol car. When the officer tried to question her from the rolling vehicle, Kathy turned and ran the other way. When he overtook her on foot, humped ahead of her and tried to block her passage, she kept on him like a wild animal. Other officers were called and Kathy fought them with the same grim ferocity. She was finally subdued and arrested. When the case went to court, Nate was there: "The judge asked why she fought when the officer tried to stop her. She turned to him-and I was shocked by how hate was in her face-and she almost spit out the words: 'I can't stand for a man to touch me!'" Continues Nate: "That face full of hate I'll never forget. My sister was very, very angry about something." In high school, says Mark, "I couldn't grasp the concept of career day." The only one he and his brothers and sisters were told they could consider was the law. Says the pastor with a groan: "Hell, I think everybody today should have a law degree. You need one to defend yourself. Yeh, got to have one now or you can't take care of yourself or family." Adds Mark: "His attitude was always that school was bullsh--, but you had to get As and get out so you could have the law degree. With that you could support and defend the church. "To say 'no' would have been the same as drafting-dodging during WWII: it was every kid's duty to enlist in the bar and protect our homeland against the evil that threatened from without." But Fred Jr. wanted to be a history teacher. "Ever since he'd been a kid, he wanted to do that," Mark says. "At Washburn he was a masterful history student. He wanted to teach it, and he held on to that. He'd say: 'I have that right', and my dad would try to beat it out of him. My father would make it clear to Fred Jr. that he wasn't going to teach history. He'd yell: 'You guys are mine and you're never gonna leave me!'" "Then always follow with: 'And you better start gettin' it through your head right now!' "I can remember my father beating Fred when he was 19 or 20 about that. I couldn't believe my brother would even try to argue with him! My father wouldn't hear of it. Fred Jr. was going to be a lawyer. "Eventually, I think, my brother's spirit was broken and he became one. But it wasn't the beatings that caused him to lose heart-it was Debbie Valgos." What follows may be the saddest tale found during this investigation. It is a profound and tragic example of the fruits of hatred when it is directed by the angry against the innocent. Says Mark: "He was deeply in love with her, a girl from St. Vincent's Orphanage several blocks from our house. They were just crazy in love... "She was a free spirit. And a great looker. Noisy. Loud, hearty laugh. She was very warm, and friendly, and loving." "She was cute, thin, blonde, and sexy," laughs Nate. "That name...," sighs one of the nuns from the orphanage, "is like a punch in the stomach..." Debbie was not an orphan. She lived with her mother, Della A., and her stepfather, Paul A., on Lincoln Street in Topeka. When she was 11 years old, for reasons undisclosed, Debbie was placed in St. Vincent's. She went to Capper Junior High and later attended Topeka West High School. When she was 14, Debbie sent this poem to her mom: I settled down west from town, though no one knew I was a clown, My face was clean, and all around were children, though I heard no sound. She signed it, 'Mom, I love you very much!' with seven asterisks for emphasis. Bernadette, an older sister who still lives in town recalls: "She sang. She had a beautiful voice. And she played the guitar. She was a pretty little thing." Debbie's mom has an album of photos taken by the nuns of her daughter while she lived at the orphanage. Pictures of her as a cheerleader at Capper; smiling on a dock at the Lake of the Ozarks with some other girls from St. Vincent's; clutching her pom-poms, watching the players; pictures of her 15th birthday party at the orphanage. They met at the skating rink. Sometimes Fred and Mark would trick their father. When he thought they'd gone out on their obligatory 10 mile run, instead they'd go skating. Or if they'd had a good night on candy sales, Jonathon, Nate, Mark, and Fred would knock off early and hit the rink before going home. "Debbie was a good skater," remembers Mark. "She came to the rink with other kids from the orphanage. She skated fast and reckless." The voice over the phone sounds as if it's smiling at the memory. "At first my brother saw her secretly, during stolen moments. Then he'd go by the orphanage when the four of us boys were out selling candy." Mark stops. "You should know, when I was 9 and Fred 10, we began to hear degrading, insulting sermons from my father about how no good it is for boys to have girl friends: "You'll meet a girl someday and she'll start saying things like, "Aren't you cute; aren't you handsome; ooooooh, you're really something", and like some kind of ignorant, stupid lamb being led to slaughter, you'll fall for it, and the next thing you know, she'll want to kiss you or some bullsh-- like that. I'm telling you now, I'm not going to put up with it. If you think you're going to have some whore coming around sniffing after you, you better know right now that I'm not going to put up with it. You better start gettin' it through your head right now. You just have to trust the Lord to provide you a good woman who will subject herself to the authority of the church...'" Mark clears his throat. "They met, I think, in the fall of 1970. On the candy sales, Fred would drive and I'd ride shotgun, with Jon and Nate in back. We'd pick Debbie up on the way out and she'd sit between us. "When we got there, the rest of us would sell candy, and Fred and Debbie would stay behind in the car. "Boy, did they kiss. Every time was for the last time. Like Bogart and Bergman at the Paris train station. "She was cute, but it wasn't only sexual. Those two were very, very much in love. I was there. I saw it. I watched them together-kissing, walking, being together. Fred and I shared the same bedroom and I knew my brother. "It was obvious they were meant for each other. That romance had so much voltage, it could have lit the city." Fred and Debbie's special song was "Close to You", by the Carpenters, but that didn't keep them from fighting. Says Mark: "Debbie had a hot temper. She was very intense and dramatic. So they kissed and fought, kissed and fought. But they loved each other terribly hard-none of us doubted that." Debbie also got a kick out of hanging around with all of Fred's brothers, remembers Mark. "She used to say it was her instant family." Many of Debbie's teachers still remember her vividly. And they remember her long-lasting romance with Fred Phelps. "She was craving a family environment, with all the emotional outlet and loving she imagined went with it," recalls one. "When she was dating Fred, she thought she'd become an adjunct member of his family and she wanted to be a part. When she thought she was, she was very happy." "She was such a warm, sweet girl," remembers another, "it's just a shame what happened to her." "In the car on candy sales and at the skating rink was the only time they could see each other," says Mark. Apparently Debbie was either narcoleptic or suffered from epilepsy. "Periodically she'd pass out. I saw it happen 10 to 12 times. Suddenly she'd stop talking and when you looked, she'd be limp, her head back and eyes closed, though still breathing." Debbie told Fred what it was, but Mark's brother never revealed it. After they'd been stealing time together for several months, Fred Jr. somehow found the resources to buy Debbie a gold band with a tiny diamond. Mark remembers her showing it off proudly in the car that day. Fred was 17, she was still 16. They began to talk of getting married. "Before you jump to conclusions about another teenage marriage," Mark observes, "remember my family didn't believe in dating around. We believed God would send us our mates. That it would just happen one day, and we would know it in our hearts. When it happened, that was it-whether you were 16 or 66. "Of course, my dad thought he was the god in charge of that. But I wouldn't assume Fred and Debbie's union would have been another miscast teenage marriage-and therefore my dad was right to do what he did." Why not? "Because my wife of 17 years, and my best friend for 22, is the same Luava Sundgren I met at the rink that May of '71. We've been together since I was 16 and she, 13, and we're still totally nuts about each other. "You see, I think God has a hand in these things. And maybe it's naive of me, but I think all that we went through as kids made us a lot wiser about people than most grownups." Mark estimates the passionate romance was kept from their father through the New Year of 1971. Sometime shortly after, however, the Pastor Phelps caught wind of his son's happiness. "After that, my father forbade Fred to see her. He tried everything to get Fred to stop." Though Mark's brother was only a few months shy of 18, the pastor regularly took the mattock to him to stop his 'slinkin' with that whore'. In February of that year, Debbie left the orphanage and moved back in with her mother and stepfather in the house on Lincoln Street. The boys would swing by and pick her up there. Shortly after she moved, Fred and Debbie moved again: they made their bid for a life together free of their burdened pasts. They eloped. Mark remembers they took one of the family cars, a '66 Impala wagon. "And I had a pair of top-notch skates. They cost me a hundred bucks. I was a serious skater back then, and I carried them around in a slick black case and felt very professional. But my brother Fred took them along for gas money. He sold them at a rink in Kansas City for ten bucks. Fred's next younger sibling sighs. "I missed my skates, but I wasn't mad at him. Back then, we had no sense of personal boundaries. If you needed something, you just took it. Besides, I wanted them to get away." He laughs: "Just wish he'd gotten more for those skates. Ten bucks was insulting." With a borrowed car and a tank full of gas, the intrepid couple hit the great American highways-though not with that era's open agenda of 'wherever you go-there you are!' To Fred Jr., the available universe consisted of two addresses and the highway that connected them. One was on 12th Street in Topeka, the other was the home and church of Forrest Judd in Indianapolis. "My dad and Judd met at a Bible conference. Forrest was a Baptist preacher and they hit it off. They used to come to Topeka and visit a lot. He and my dad were doctrinally alike, but Forrest was a very different personality. He was a jolly fat Santa type of guy-a factory worker and a really neat fella. He had three sons of his own, but he'd become sort of a 'good' father figure to a lot of us kids. "His church was the only one my dad approved of-and the reason that was important to Fred Jr. is the same reason he's-they all-have been unable to escape. "You see, no matter what differences we had with him as the head of our house, none of us questioned his authority as head of our church. It was a certified gathering of the elect, remember. And the only way to get to heaven was to do that, to assemble with the elect. "My dad interpreted that, and we accepted it, as membership in a physical congregation certified by him as elect...The Place... "And there was only one Place besides his-Forrest Judd's. "So my brother had nowhere to run, you see. Not if he wanted to get to heaven. To a believer, even the most wonderful love in this world isn't worth an eternity in the fires of hell. "As long as we accepted my father had the power to so that-send us all to hell-he had the trump card in any showdown over our choices." After Judd and the Pastor Phelps conferred by phone, the father figure convinced Fred Jr. there'd be no room on the Indy bus to heaven. If he wanted to get there, he'd have to go back to Kansas. A member of the staff at Topeka West remembers the pastor called the school to rage at them, holding them responsible and threatening to sue: "As I recall, the father stopped the marriage; and he was demanding the school go and get them. He wanted returned separately so they wouldn't 'fornicate' on the way home. "School officials tried to point out to him that Fred and Debbie were teenagers, and they'd been alone together for over a week-the damage was done." From the moment the disappointed lovers started down the road they had came, the clock began to tick toward tragedy. Back in Topeka, Debbie moved in with her mom again, and Fred counted the weeks till his 18th birthday. Though his father did everything in his power to separate them, "those afternoon candy sessions went on just as they had before," says Mark. In May of 1971, the pastor changed his strategy. It would be OK for Fred Jr. to see Debbie, but only when she came to services on Sunday. By this time, Mark had met his future spouse, also at the skating rink, and Luava was convinced to come to church as well. "The only way we could see his sons officially," says Luava, "was if we came to his church for Sunday service. They had no social life; they weren't allowed to date." So they came to service. Luava remembers that first Sunday: "When I arrived, Debbie was already there, sitting in one of the pews, waiting for it to begin. She looked back at me and smiled. I was nervous and her warmth touched me. She was quite radiant and seemed very happy that day." Luava fared better than Debbie under the pale-hearted pastor's basilisk eye. She had long hair and was shy-a quality the pastor mistook for subjection to her man. "My father took an instant dislike to Debbie," Mark recalls. "She had all her signals wrong: she had short hair; she was vivacious, passionate, and fiery; she was direct; and she had an open, honest laugh." That day, and forever after, the good pastor called her a 'whore' from the pulpit, in person, to Fred, and the family. "She didn't argue," says Mark. "She looked shell-shocked. She started to cry, but did it quietly. After the service, she disappeared. "After that, he preached to Freddy she was a whore from pulpit every Sunday. "Then one day," says Mark, "my father announced that the entire family was going roller skating. Even mom. He said we'd have some 'fun' together." The voice on the phone laughs. "It was a very peculiar experience. You have to realize, in all the time we were growing up, our family never did that. We never, not once, went on an outing together. We'd go sell candy, or to run. but never to have fun. He never took us to the zoo, the movies, out to eat, to the park, on a picnic, vacation, Thanksgiving at the relatives, to see the fireworks on the Fourth of July-none of these things. "Now you can begin to understand what a selfish man our dad was. We spent our entire childhoods and adolescence waiting on him and working for him and getting beaten up by him. The idea of parenthood or fatherhood is an alien concept to that man. "So we were suspicious when he announced he was taking us all skating. Sure enough, it turned out he'd caught wind of what was going on down at the rink." Fred and Mark had made plans to meet Debbie and Luava there that day, and now the pressure had the drop on them. Though she'd already been to services at their church, Mark only nodded to Luava as if she were a passing acquaintance. When the pastor made fun of her parents within earshot of Luava, Mark felt forced to laugh. Fred and Debbie skated together briefly, but they didn't hold hands. Everyone was watching the good Pastor Phelps. Fred Sr. strapped on a pair of skates and storked out on the floor looking like a new-born calf on ice. "I wanted to show off for him," Mark recalls, "so I started skating backwards and doing jumps when I knew he was watching. Do you think he liked it? No way. My father went into a seething rage. He said he could see I'd been spending all my goddam time down there, trying to get my... wet. What a guy-by the way, both Luava and I were virgins when we were married...five years after we met." Possibly due to the stress of the unexpected confrontation, Debbie had another seizure. In a gloomy portent of what was to come, none of the Phelps boys dared go to her aid. She lay unconscious and abandoned by the good Christians of Westboro Baptist before 13 year-old Luava noticed and rushed to her side. At that, the pastor glared at Mark. "Someone should tell that girl we don't associate with whores," he glowered. Then, as the steadfast teenager revived her friend, Good Samaritan Phelps wobbled past on his skates and muttered, "whore" at Debbie while she was recovering her feet. The charitable timing of his comment caused Fred Jr.'s girl to burst into tears. Luava helped her off the floor and into the ladies' room. "I don't know why Fred's old man hates me so much," Debbie sobbed. "You're lucky that he likes you." Luava never forgot the bitterness of those sobs: SOS from the threshold of a soul's despair. Debbie went to services at the Westboro Church several times after that, and, each time, she was called a whore from the pulpit. Then why did she go? "The hope of having Fred Jr. was greater than the pain of his father's words," says Mark. "She even came over once and asked my father what it was he wanted her to be. He told her she'd have to get an education and amount to something if she wanted his son. That she'd have to go to college and law school first, and, while she was doing it, she'd have to stay away from Fred Jr. 'But right now,' he told her, 'you're just a whore'. "Debbie said she could do it-she just needed a chance to prove it. I remember my father laughed in her face and said she'd always be a whore. "Another time, Debbie had been riding along with us on the candy sales, and afterward she and Fred intended to sneak out to a movie. Fred Jr. asked her to wait in the candy room while he changed clothes. You see, my dad never went in there." The pastor chose that time to fly into one of his rages with Fred Jr. "Of course, whenever my father started beating someone, the rest of the kids would run into the candy room. It was sort of our bomb shelter. They'd be pacing nervously, waiting for it to end, like a herd of cows from the candy boxes to the laundry dryers and back. "My father was beating on Fred and screaming things like, 'You son-of-a-bitch! You got your... wet! And now you're sniffin' after that whore!' It made them both feel dirty for what was really the best thing that had happened to them so far in their lives-their first love. "Debbie got hysterical when she heard those things. She ran out crying." Mark pauses. "And we were very nervous because she wasn't supposed to be in there. I remember several of us followed her out to ensure she didn't make a scene. That's where we were back then: nothing mattered except keeping my dad cooled off. "Outside in the street, Debbie was crying her heart out. She kept asking, 'why does he say those things about me?'" Mark isn't sure of the timing, but he believes shortly after is when Fred, how 18, decided to move out. The pastor vehemently opposed it, but Fred stood up for himself. Finally they compromised: the son would go and live with one of his father's business associates. Bob Martin was a retired army officer who ran Bo-Mar Investigations, a private detective agency. After Fred, Jr. had been staying with Martin for a week in his house, Mark remembers his father got a phone call. It was Martin. "Let's go," said the pastor to Mark, who'd become the squad leader in his father's schemes. While they drove to the detective's place, the pastor explained the plan he and Martin had for Fred Jr.: wait till he was in the shower and then confront him; a naked man feels vulnerable and powerless. Mark's father told him Fred Jr. had just come in from work and gone into the bathroom. "When he comes out, we'll be waiting," chuckled the guardian of one of the two portals to the Kingdom of Heaven. And so they were. As Fred Jr. came out, towel around his waist, he was confronted by his father, by Mark, and a suddenly hostile Bob Martin. "Get your clothes! You're going home!" snapped the pastor. The eldest son complied without argument. "The next part I'll never forget," says Mark. "When we got out to the car, I was in the back, my father was behind the wheel, and Fred was in the front passenger seat. Bob had followed us and he opened the door on my brother's side. "Through the space between the front seat and the door, I could see him place a revolver against my brother's knee. And he said: "If you run away again, I have orders to come after you. And when I catch you, I'm going to shoot you right here." At the time, 'knee-capping' had spread to the United States from Italy and France as the preferred punishment in underworld circles. It left its victim crippled for life. This article does not imply Fred Phelps Sr. has underworld ties. It only remarks that anyone who dresses badly, who lives handsomely off the work of urchins hustling in the streets, who disciplines subordinates by beating them senseless, who fosters filiar piety by threats of knee-capping, who knocks his wife around regularly, who surrounds himself with lawyers, and who is apparently beyond the long arm of the law could have made a very respectable gangster. Certainly not a pastor. Fred Jr. enrolled at Washburn University that fall and Debbie returned to Topeka West. Though the pastor had forbidden them to see each other outside church, they continued to do so. "My brother was struggling with his love for Debbie and his very real fear of hell. A lot of non-Christians might find that hard to believe. But if you grew up with your imagination open to Fred Phelps, believe me, hell was a concrete reality." The battle inside Fred Jr. would last until the following spring, but the war had been lost when he turned back from Indiana. In late September, Debbie dropped out of high school and moved in with girlfriends at a house on Central Park Avenue. It was just a few blocks from the Washburn campus. "We went there a lot when we were out selling candy," says Mark. "That lasted into December, probably, because I remember being there when it was very cold and we were wearing winter coats." But the pastor was relentless. And not only with the mattock. "He knew Fred Jr. was still seeing Debbie, and he hit heavy, heavy on him from the Bible. From things they said, I think my brother and Debbie had probably become lovers at some time in the relationship, and I'm sure Fred Jr. felt guilty about that. "So, he was vulnerable to my father's framing of the situation as 'Debbie the Whore...the Agent of Satan sent to lure him into temptation and directly down into the gaping jaws of hell'." Says Mark: "He'd spend time with her, then try to avoid her. In addition to the guilt he was getting some pretty bad beatings. While Fred Jr. drifted in fear, Debbie fought to hand on to the man she cherished and the only person who'd ever cherished her. Margie Phelps remembers Debbie would wait for her brother outside after his classes on the Washburn campus. She would beg him to come back to her in Play-Misty-for-Me scenarios, where a mentally ill woman stalks her former lover. "If she did do that," says Luava, "it was in hurt and frustration that he would betray the love we all knew he felt." "And, besides, it always worked," Mark adds. "He always went back to her, at least while he was at Washburn." "I don't think he ever stopped loving her," agrees Luava. "He was just more scared of hell than he was of losing her." Sometimes in December, 1971, events turned murky, fast. and fatal. Apparently willing now to give Debbie up, but afraid he wouldn't be able to do it while they lived in the same town, and also furious at his father for forcing him to leave her, Fred Jr. ran away again, despite Bob Martin's threat to find him and kneecap him if he did so. From late December till mid-February, the following events are known: Fred Jr. disappeared and no one in the family knew his whereabouts. One night in January, shortly after Nate and Jonathon had been shaved and beaten and the school had notified the police, Fred Jr. stopped by the house without his father knowing. Nate remembers he asked to see their heads and then commiserated with them about their embarrassment at the police station. About the same time, Luava's father saw Fred Jr. at a Washburn basketball game. He had a K-State jacket and a rash on both arms. The other man became concerned about Fred's welfare, and, with nothing to go on but the jacket and the rash, he was able to track the troubled youth down working at a produce business in Manhattan, where the state college was situated. Fred Jr. turned down all offers of money or help. At the time, he was living in the basement of a young married couple. Whether Debbie visited him or even joined him up there is unknown. What is known us that, on Valentine's Day, Fred Jr. showed up in Topeka with a new girl for his father to meet. "Betty," says Mark, "was a lot closer to what my father demanded. She was another Luava-or at least who my dad originally thought Luava was- she had long hair, and she was very quiet and submissive. She had also been raised Methodist. A lot of Baptists started out as Methodists, you know. "Debbie...was a Catholic." A few weeks after Valentine's, Debbie came to see her mom. Della A. remembers they went for a walk in the small park near where Debbie had lived with her friends. Her daughter's spirits were very low, she recalls. Debbie confessed Fred had given her an engagement ring and they had eloped, but that Fred's dad had made them come back. She admitted bitterly that his father had told her she wasn't good enough for his son, and the younger Phelps had been forced to obey him. "Now Fred's found another girl," she told her mother. As they walked, Della remembers her daughter took off the ring and threw it in the bushes. "He's never going to marry me, Mama," she said, "but I know I'll never love anyone else." The mother says she tried to cheer her up, and later, thinking Debbie might regret it, she returned to search for the ring in the grass. She never found it, and even if she had, Debbie never would have received it. The mother and daughter's walk in the park that afternoon would be their last time together. The remainder of Debbie's hopeful life can be found, not in the memories of those who knew her, but in the dusty, impersonal files of the U.S. Army Intelligence Criminal Investigations Division. After seeing her mother that day, Debbie went up to Junction City, an army town that served nearby Ft. Riley. It was also only a 20 minute drive from Manhattan, where Fred was living. Whether they saw each other during that time is not known. From the part of her life that has been documented in the Army's investigation of her death, it seems unlikely. During her final days, Debbie Valgos touched a match to her longing soul. She flamed up in a white-hot blaze of self-directed violence, anonymous sex, amphetamines, heroin, and rock and roll. All the things Pastor Phelps said she was, she'd be. She moved in with a soldier. She shot smack. She partied for days without sleep. The speed she was constantly on burned through her body till she'd gone from 130 to 87 pounds. In less than a month the 5'7" girl had become a walking corpse with the wide, burning eyes of the starved. Perhaps that is when her face could at last reflect her heart: faltering into despair after a lifetime without sustenance. Because the effect was so striking, Debbie's new acquaintance nicknamed here 'Eyes'. But 'Eyes' had stared into her abyss, and she knew. At the end of all worlds. Was a single lost soul. The last days of Debbie Valgos' life, those few weeks in Junction City, were one long suicide...a death dance through the Army bars...a soul signing off. When she lost Fred Phelps, Debbie must have felt she had forever lost her way...that she was never coming back...and so she touched a match to her despair. Her new friends told CID agents she had tried to commit suicide four times in the weeks prior to her death: by jumping out a window, rolling off a roof; and twice by drug overdose. Each time they had stopped her or brought her through it. The came the night of April 17, 1972. Debbie was in the Blue Light, a soldier's bar. Though she had a soldier waiting at home, that hardly mattered. She let two more pick her up. When they invited her back to their barracks to 'party', she said 'yes'. As they left, a girl who lived in Debbie's house insisted that she come along. She'd been there during Debbie's earlier attempted suicides, and she worried that the frail runaway might try it again. They were spirited past the gates of the fort, hiding on the floor of the car. The soldiers parked in an alley and had the girls crawl through a window into their barracks room. Once inside, one of them offered Debbie some speed. It was a bottle of crushed mini-bennies, according to CID reports. Debbie took it, and the soldier turned to put on a record. When she gave it back, the boy was amazed. "You took way too much!" he said. "You'll be up three or four days!" Debbie only smiled at him. What might have been a four-day problem for a 180 pound man, Debbie undoubtedly hoped would solve all her problems at 87 pounds, less than half the other's body weight. Shortly after, "Eye started to have a 'body trip'," states the girl who had accompanied her. "She shut her eyes and just started moving with the music. She did that for awhile and then she started to act dingy. She called me over and said she felt like little needles were poking her all over her whole body and she was tingling. I told her I would stay with her and not to make any noise in the barracks." When Debbie started rolling around on the floor and mumbling, her friend worried she might hurt herself, and so she sat on her. The other girl, who apparently was quite obese, continued drinking and talking while she kept Debbie pinned beneath her. The party went on. Debbie was babbling incoherently. After almost another hour, everyone became alarmed at Eye's grotesque physical contortions. They pulled her back through the window, loaded her in the car, and smuggled her off base. Returning to her new boyfriend's house, they woke him and ran the tub full of cold water. By then, Debbie had passed into coma. She would not be taken to Irwin Army Hospital At Ft. Riley until 5 a.m., nearly five hours after she'd ingested almost half a bottle of crushed benzedrine. Debbie lasted 20 hours unconscious in ICU, just long enough for her sister, Bernadette, to find her. At 1 a.m., her heart stopped. Her spirit had flamed up and was gone. She was 17. She was sunny and loving and only wanted to be loved. After all she'd been through, Debbie Valgos thought she'd found safe haven with the family Phelps. She died for her mistake. In that spring of 1972, one of the Top 40 songs playing on the rock and roll radios Debbie no doubt listened to while riding her dark current of heroin, amphetamines, and despair was a tribute to Janis Joplin, sung by Joan Baez: "She once walked right by my side I know she walked by yours, Her striding steps could not deny Torment from a child who knew, That in the quiet morning There would be despair, And in the hours that followed No one could repair... That poor girl... Barely here to tell her tale, Rode in on a tide of misfortune Rode out on a mainline rail... But the Pastor Phelps, devotee of a hateful god, had made up a song of his own: "I remember getting home from school the day it appeared in the papers," says Mark, "and my dad came dancing down the stairs, swaying from the knees and clapping his hands, singing: 'The whore is dead! The whore is dead!' "He paraded around the house, singing and laughing with that maniacal giggle he has, 'the whore is dead!'" Mark pauses to let the horror of the scene settle in. One is reminded of the warning from the first epistle of John: "He who has no love for the brother he has seen cannot love the God he has not seen..." Margie Phelps remembers shortly after Debbie's death Fred Jr. came to visit their mom secretly. Margie says she didn't know he was in the house. She came into a room inadvertently and saw Fred Jr. and her mother sitting in chairs, facing each other. The eldest son had his head in her lap and she was stroking his hair. "Fred was crying," says Margie. "I heard afterward it was for Debbie." "There's no question that my brother wanted to spend his life with Debbie," says Mark. "She was who he loved. And I knew her well enough to say my brother was the first light of hope she'd had in her life. When he left her, that light went out." The phone voices, bouncing along microwave relays from California, cease. The ghostly dishes wait, sentinels in the wheat fields, the mountain passes, the desert, and the ancient western forests beyond. "We think of Debbie sometimes," says Luava softly. "We know Fred does too." "She'd had a hard life before, but all she really needed was someone who would value her," Mark observes. "If my dad had allowed that, Debbie and Fred would have really blossomed. "You know in Matthew 12:20? Where Jesus says, 'the bruised reed I will not break; the flickering candle I won't snuff out; instead I will be your hope'? With the evil and the hurt he's caused during his life, my father has no right to the name of 'pastor'-nevermind 'guardian of The Place." Della A. is more direct. She has a message for the pastor: "You tell Fred Phelps I'll wait in hell for him." Margie remembers Debbie's sister, Bernadette, knocked on their door one day. "She went on about how we were responsible for Debbie's death." Bernadette admits doing that. "I do blame them," she says. "My sister had a tough enough time without those people. If she hadn't met them, she'd probably be alive today." "We thought she was really coming along," reflects a former staff member at Topeka West. "Of all the kids there who had difficult backgrounds to overcome, we felt sure she'd be one of those who would." No one who knew her has forgotten her. Not the sisters at St. Vincent's, not her teachers, not even her dentist when she was a child. "I was just thinking of her," admitted one. You were? Why? "Oh...your thoughts return to someone like that...so young and full of promise...a really sweet girl...and then to die before her life ever had a chance to start...yes...Debbie comes to mind from time to time." "Valgos?" Fred Jr.'s voice sounds eerie and distant over the phone. "That name isn't familiar." Silence. "But then I had lots of girlfriends. At least five or six in high school." No one else remembers that. "Oh...oh, I remember now. The little girl at the orphanage?" Two years later, Fred Jr. married Betty, the woman he'd brought home that Valentine's Day. Betty was approved by his father. She was the second woman he'd ever dated. For the moment, this article shall abandon cynicism and consider beginner's luck in the search for mates. After all, Mark Phelps is quite happy with his first date of 22 years ago. So is Luava. And, if Fred Jr. and Debbie were destined for each other, what happy chance they met on his first date. However, the odds that Fred would then meet Miss Right directly after he met Debbie begin to gnaw at the suspension of disbelief in this fire and brimstone fiction of predestined characters. "I think not being able to have Debbie, and her committing suicide, I think that just broke my brother," observes Mark. "After that, he submitted totally. He'd lost his thrill for life. He went to law school, like his dad wanted; he married a girl his dad approved; and he shouldered a role in The Place. "And that's where he is today. He just turned 40." Betty was a music major at K-State when she met Fred Jr. She had perfect pitch and played between eight and ten instruments. However, she transferred to Washburn for her last two years of college, and went to law school on command. Mark remembers a time in 1973, when Betty was visiting Fred Jr. in the kitchen and the pastor started beating Nate savagely with the mattock in an adjoining room. Betty had been eating a cantaloupe and she shoved her spoon all the way through it and screamed: Stop it!" Says Mark: "The old man came in from the church where he'd been beating Nate, and he said to Betty: 'You got a problem with this?' Then he turned to Fred Jr.: "If that girl has a problem with this, then I'm not going to put up with it! You better get her under subjection, or you're not gonna be marryin' her!" In one of his fax missives, the pastor has stated: "Wives who have strayed too far traditional family values of home and children need to be whipped into godly obedience. Sparing the rod and sparing either the children or the women is a strategy that fundamentalist Christians reject. Complacency and misplaced 'equality' notions produce tormented, social misfits like (here Phelps names several female city officials) who are hormonally and intellectually incapable of rational thought. Like the termite, these so-called modern ideas promulgated by Satan's servants are destroying the studs of the family unit." Nate remembers: "Betty was put in her place, both by the old man and Freddy. And she was the butt of numerous comments from the pulpit over the following months until she finally displayed the 'proper spirit of obedience'. Luava recalls that, some time after Debbie's death, Betty and she were talking when suddenly Fred's new girl started crying. "He still carries her picture in his wallet," she sobbed. "He's in love with a dead girl." The Phelps family forbade reporters from asking Fred Jr. about Debbie Valgos during interviews, and threatened to sue the paper if it printed the story of the couple's broken dreams. "That child was very precious to us," says the former director of St. Vincent's, Sister Frances Russell, who refused to give an interview, "and all my instincts are to protect her-even in death." Sister Therese Bangert came to the orphanage the year after Debbie died, "so I didn't know her," she says. "But I remember her because of the impact her death had on everyone who was there. Even today, mentioned the name of Debbie Valgos around some of the sisters would be like knocking the wind out of them." Just as he threatened to shove the blind runner off the track when the old man was in his way, charitable Fred Phelps toppled Debbie Valgos into her abyss when she threatened to lure one of his Chosen from The Place. "He was scared of her He knew she'd take Fred Jr. from him," says Mark. "My father saw Debbie's weak spot-her self-esteem-and he did everything in his power to drive a sword through it...right into her heart. "Debbie didn't hate life like my father. She loved it. He knew she'd never fit in there. Eventually she'd leave and pull Freddy with her." The pastor's second son adds: "If, during the course of your investigation, you'd discovered my father had something to do with Debbie's death, I would not have been surprised. That's how far I think he was willing to go to keep us on as adult servants to his ego." This chapter focused on the torture, kidnapping, and later troubles of Kathy Phelps and the tragedy of Fred Jr. and Debbie Valgos because these facts provide a clear insight into the horror coming of age held in the house of the good pastor Phelps. It has been an inquiry into a man who gathers a following wherever souls are writhing in agony from the evil done to them. It is a look behind the veil of a false prophet who, with investigation, appears more and more as a new type of serial killer: Pastor Phelps is too clever, too cowardly, and too lawyerly to kill the bodies. His life is a trail of murdered souls. And his worst victims have been his own family. No man or woman living on the Phelps block has been allowed to become the plant foreshadowed by the seed. This chapter has revealed the betrayal and murder of three spirits by Phelps, would-be prophet of the subdivided prairie, hopeful John Brown of religious radio. Kathy Phelps' life remains at the level of subsistence and self- destruction. Her brother, Nate, has been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is quite likely that Kathy suffers from it also. Today, but for the statute of limitations, the brutal beatings and torture this pretty teenager experienced would bring a long jail sentence to their perpetrator. Fred Jr. never became a history teacher. Recently, he left the law profession and works for the Kansas Department of Corrections. Debbie Valgos died of a broken heart. A quick survey of the curricula vitae of the Phelps children shows his astonishing success in their conforming to his wishes. In fact, the Phelps Plan because a sausage factory for loyal and legal support of one man's ambitions: Of the 13 children, 11 got law degrees-nine of those from Washburn University *Of the nine loyal offspring and four approved spouses, all but one took law degrees; eight have undergraduate degrees in Corrections or Criminal Justice. One can only wonder why the pandemic fascination for prison among the Phelps loyalists. For the nine kids who stayed with Fred, God provided only three spouses from within the church. Fred Jr. and brother Jonathon had to provide for themselves. They became Westboro outlaws to find mates among the damned. When they eventually returned to the fold, these 'tainted women' were only accepted after a long probation and apprenticeship at being a wife- in-subjection. Six of the Phelps daughters remain the compound. Two of the, were betrothed to Chosen already residing in The Place. The rest grow old. Perhaps bitter. Alternately resentful and desperately dependent on the one man in their life. To chronicle the failures of others among the loyal Phelps children in their youthful attempts to escape over the wall of their father's fear and ego is to compose a litany of unhappy and sordid tales, ones that would burn the ears of the listener. "You know she's admitted she's a whore," says Phelps of Shawnee County D.A., Joan Hamilton. "She hasn't admitted she's a whore," replies ABC's John Stossell. They're taping for 20/20: "She admitted she had a one night stand." "Then, if you believe the Bible, she's a whore," insists Phelps. "Shackin' up with some guy one night or a thousand nights, she meets the Bible definition of a depraved, adulterous, whorish woman." Pastor Phelps would be wise to take a quick poll of the home team, especially his daughters. He might find his glass house full of mischief. The misadventures of the clan Phelps can be pursued into allegations of adultery, fornication, illegitimacy, and abortion without fear of libel. However, since it is also the thesis of this article that his children are actually the principal victims of Pastor Phelps, it is not appropriate to expose the rest of these embarrassing stories in detail. Despite their strident condemnation of others' equal and lesser sins, it will suffice to point out the foibles of his children would make as interesting reading for the pastor's fax gossip as anything he's printed. If those without sin shall toss the first stones, the grim clan at Westboro will have to keep a tight grip on theirs. With his private genetic following, Pastor Phelps has found a world perhaps he's always sought. One where they care for him and do his bidding and never leave him. To make that happen required the promise of their youth be devoted to the unsettled scores of his past. Fred Phelps crushed the innocence and joy, the dreams of all but three of his children. His reputation as a civil rights advocate is perhaps ironic. The pastor's chains are subtle, but stronger than the iron ones worn by the ancestors of those he often brags he's helped free. The children who were raised in the nightmare of 12th Street carry their shackles in their hearts. It is their fear of their father's key to hell, and their view that the world is hateful and hates them, that, like the elephants in India, keeps them serving the will of a man who, by now they must realize, is much smaller than themselves. The vulnerable pastor hoards his hell- stunned flock close around his own flickering candle. He pulls them like a threadbare cloak about his old wounds, huddling against the cutting hawk of a cold soul wind blowing from somewhere out of his past. Sitting in her mother's house, the sinking afternoon sun pours through the screen door, casting its soft gold across the widow's tattered carpet. Della A. offers, a little reluctantly and her eyes bright with guilt, the last moments of her daughter: a First Communion veil; a dried corsage from an Easter Sunday get-to-together, and the photo album Debbie kept at the orphanage. On its cover, printed in the awkward, block letters of a bruised but hopeful new reed, a flickering candle not yet quenched, are the words: I LOVE FRED PHELPS "Debbie Valgos was a whore extraordinaire," snaps Margie. But the father's words sound empty and formulaic on the daughter's tongue. CHAPTER EIGHT "Over the Wall at Westboro" Listening to Fred Jr. pretend he doesn't remember a girl named Debbie Valgos is an eerie experience. It's as if one were listening to a teenager deny he borrowed the car while his parents were gone. "They're all still children," observes Mark. "Still trying to please their father because they're afraid of him." What are they afraid of? "They've been conditioned all their lives to cringe at his anger or disapproval. Even now, with families of their own, they'll conform. In fact, a lot of what your article reveals about my siblings that my dad didn't know-my sisters taking lovers, the details of Debbie and Fred, and Jonathon stealing on candy sales-my brothers and sisters are going to panic at that. Even today, they're still frightened of his judgements." Research indicates that three out of four children in criminally abusive families will be unable to surmount their experience. As adults, they will rationalize their past and will accept abusive behavior as the norm in both the outside world and their personal lives. As adults, they will rationalize their past and will accept abusive behavior as the norm in both the outside world and their personal lives. It is instructive that nine of the 13 Phelps children, almost exactly the predicted ratio, continue to embrace the pastor's abusive world and ways. But this chapter is not about the ones who tried to climb their father's barrier and slipped back. It's about two who made it over the wall at Westboro; who went on to lives that are beacons of hope to others who have survived abusive families. Mark Phelps might be his father's pointman today but for a pretty 13 year-old named Luava Sundgren. In May of 1971, a few months after Fred and Debbie had been dragged back from their aborted elopement, Fred and Mark met Debbie at the skating rink. His brother and Debbie paired off, and Mark remembers he was rolling along alone on his rented skates, wishing for his hundred dollar pros his brother had sold, when suddenly a petite girl, slim and shapely, with long dark hair hanging halfway down her back sailed by, fixed her beautiful blue eyes on him, and smiled. "You're a good skater," she said. And she pulled Mark's heart right off his sleeve. He was only 16, and she, 13, but for Mark the search for his life's mate was over. Only two months after rescuing his eldest for the moment from the charms of the 'whore-extraordinaire', the Pastor Phelps found another wily ally of the serpent threatening his second son. Except this girl was no fragile psyche, vulnerable and clueless, as Debbie Valgos would be. Raised Catholic, Debbie had no criteria by which to identify Protestant heresies, and, coming from a broken home, she had no expectations of esteem or consideration from the outside world. Luava Sundgren came from a conservative Lutheran family firmly grounded in unconditional love. "Even as a young teenager," says Mark, "my wife had high self-esteem and a very clear idea of right from wrong. Her parents were as firm about their god of love and their love for her as my father was about his hateful god and his hate for all." The pastor had met his match. This girl, though slight and shy, was not going to accept the pastor's interpretation of the Bible as his personal myth; nor would she take to being called a 'whore'. But, at first, things went well between the two. A few weeks after the teenage couple had met to skate again and Mark had been calling her secretly by phone, Luava came to church. It was on that Sunday in early June that Debbie first came as well. Things went better for Luava because the pastor believed her long hair showed her subjection to God and man. And her naturally shy and quiet way belied the stout heart within her. If his boys had to have mates, here was a good example of the kind of girl Fred Phelps wanted to see joining his church. Not the sassy, rebellious, Catholic, blonde sex-rocket with the page boy cut Fred Jr. had brought home. In high school, the disfavor of their family name, combined with the pastor's refusal to allow his children any participation in extracurricular activities, assured the Phelps kids were the pariahs of Topeka West. Across town under the gothic vaults of Topeka High, Luava was quite the opposite. She had many friends and became one of the school's cheerleaders. It was a mystery to everyone why she insisted on dating a member of the Addams family over on 12th Street. Luava remembers the curious questions and the biting comments she got. So why did she? She laughs: "At first? Because he was a good skater, and he was cute-but remember, I was only 13. That's what 13 year-olds notice. Later, it's not so important if they skate or not-" she laughs again. "Seriously though, he had so much energy and he was very smart and he was really sweet to me. What chance did I have? Even my dad told me I wouldn't find a better one!" Because she was just 13, Luava's parents at first would only allow Mark to visit her at their home. He would sneak out whenever he could, or drop by while on candy sales. After a year and a half, her father agreed to let them date. He even offered to give Mark enough for dinner and a movie out. (Luava had been attending services every Sunday at the pastor's lonely keep, and she had invited her parents several times-enough for her dad to feel sorry for Mark.) The Pastor Phelps knew nothing about Mark's home courting advantage, nor the teenager's plans to date. Mark refused Mr. Sundgren's offer to pay for their date and instead found a weekend job as a busboy in a steakhouse. That lasted one shift. His father found out about Mark's endeavor to expand his independence and promptly beat him. After, he forced Mark to quit the job and forbade him to take another. As was shown in Chapter Five, it wasn't his son's study hours the pastor was concerned about; rather, any time spent working elsewhere was time one could be working for 'The Place'. So, Mark had to shave a dollar here and there off his candy sales and summer yard work to court Luava. When his dad shut himself in the master bedroom for days, eating and watching television, Mark would sneak the car for a few hours and take Luava to a movie or dinner at a fast food restaurant. Once, they were in the Taco-Tico at 15th and Lane around 9 p.m. when the place was robbed. Two men ski masks came in, and the young teenagers ducked under the table. "After the hold-up," says Mark, with Luava laughing in the background, "we ran out too. We didn't want our names involved as witnesses because my dad would have heard about it and the jig would have been up-my secret life of dating." Luava is still laughing. "Trouble was, after we hit the sidewalk running, only then did it occur to us everyone would think we were the ones who'd just robbed Taco-Tico." Despite Luava's quiet demeanor and biblical mane, Mark soon realized she was not plugged in to the world according to Fred. For example, one day after Debbie had died, Mark, Nate, and Jonathon were out in the car selling candy. After his older brother's habit, Mark had brought Luava along with them, and they sat and smooched while the two younger boys worked in the neighborhood. When Nate came back to report scant sales for that day, Mark gave the command by reflex: "Chin- chin!" And Nate put his chin on the back of the front seat. With Luava sitting beside him, Mark punched his little brother painfully in the face. In equal reflex, one from another moral world, Luava immediately slapped her boyfriend hard enough to bring stars. "Why did you..." he asked in stunned bewilderment. "Why did you do that?" she demanded. Soon the esteem Mark had for this petite firecracker-five-two, eyes of blue, and with a fist like his father-caused him to begin opening his heart to her radically different view of human relationships. For several years before he met Luava, Mark had been his father's assistant master-at-arms: when there was a whipping due one of his siblings, sometimes the pastor would order Mark to do it. "At first I thought it was a great idea," says Nate, who received most of his elder brother's ministrations, "because he didn't have my father's violent spirit when he swung the mattock. However, that was short-lived. After a few less than satisfactory beatings-from my father's viewpoint-he threatened to beat Mark instead. Suffice it to say that afterwards I couldn't tell the difference between one of my dad's and one of my brother's beatings-except maybe in their angle of attack." "My dad would tell me to do it," agrees Mark, "and then he'd go upstairs and yell down to us in the church: 'If I don't hear it up here, it's you who'll get the beating!'" Now, however, confused by his new feelings for this remarkable girl, Mark began to slam the mattock onto the pew cushions instead. "It sounded exactly the same as it did when I hot Nate," he recalls, with what must be a smile at his end of the line. "And Nate would just howl in pain every time I hit the pew. It worked perfectly. "But it wasn't until Luava that it would have ever occurred to me to do that. I've been told children from abusive homes never develop empathy. Boy, that was us. It was survival...period. Save yourself. "Remember how I said I felt when Mom used to drive off with everyone in the car, and Nate would get left behind, running alongside my window, begging not to be left alone with my dad? I literally could not feel for him. I didn't even know how to consider what he might be going through. I was just glad I was getting out, and that was all that mattered. "But, after I'd been around Luava, what was going on inside other people suddenly started to matter. I guess you could say she kissed me and changed me from the frightened little frog my father had made me..." They laugh. "But after I fell in love with her, it made me want to care about others." Little wonder Mark's wife is Nate's favorite sister-in-law still today. Though Luava refused to join the pastor's church, she continued to attend Sunday services there for nearly two years. "I knew if I didn't, Mark's father would make it even harder, if not impossible for me to see him," she says. "During that time, I learned things about Fred Sr. I didn't like." Such as? "That God hates. It seemed to me he was putting his own words in God's mouth. I mean, Mark's father was a pretty disturbed guy. I could see that and I was only 15. It's just sad he didn't have the self- knowledge to leave religion out of it and get some help. "Also I didn't like his attitude toward family. His belief in beating children and that women were servants to men. As a future wife and mother, that left me little motivation to join his claustrophobic community." Toward the end of Luava's two-year ceasefire with the pale-hearted pastor, she arrived for services early one Sunday-too early. Kathy Phelps was getting beaten with a mattock upstairs. In shock, Mark's girl listened to his sister's screams of pain and sobbing pleas for the good minister to stop. He didn't. Luava turned on her heel and walked out. Shirley Phelps, who always wept hysterically whenever her father went into his whipping mode, ran after Luava. At the door she grabbed her arm. "Please...please...," she sobbed. "He doesn't mean it...he doesn't know what he's doing..." Mark, who was there, remembers Luava "stopped and looked Shirl dead in the eye. 'No, Shirl,' she said, 'you're wrong. He does mean it.' And she left." Shortly after, the pastor decided to dish Luava some of the abuse he'd used on Debbie Valgos. Following Sunday services, while Luava waited within earshot in the church, the pastor collared Mark for a 'talk' in the law offices adjoining. "He was punching and kicking me," remembers Mark. "And yelling in crude anatomical detail everything he said he bet I was doing to her when we were alone. He knew she would hear, that's why he did it." And that was Luava's last Sunday at the Westboro Church. She walked out and down to the shopping center on Gage Boulevard where she called her father to come pick her up. When she told Mark it was over, Luava says she never asked him to leave the church. She didn't believe he could. She knew he had been taught that, if he left, he would be taken by God during the first night while he slept and that he would wake up in hell. Mark, for his part, was in despair. The 19 year-old flung himself face down in Luava's yard and cried. And there he remained for two hours, embarrassing her parents in front of the neighbors. Luava's dad even came to her and told her, "I didn't realize you were so hard-hearted," Such emotional firmness in a 16 year-old was remarkable. But Luava didn't know what else to do. She had no intention of joining the Westboro family cult and raising children in that kind of environment, she says. And she Mark wouldn't leave. Meanwhile, one can only imagine the kind of talk this generated among the deeper keels in Luava's cheerleading set. She was certainly a girl with a foot in both worlds. After the break-up, reportedly neither Mark nor Luava slept or ate for days. "I walked around in a fog," says Mark. Then he found out he would get a 'B' instead of an 'A' in one of his courses at Washburn. "That meant I was in for more trouble," he adds. "Somehow, the idea my father might now hurt my body after making my heart so miserable...it just seemed insane and ridiculous...and if all this misery was to please God, I was beginning to think it was awfully mean and petty for a Being that had created such a majestic universe... "And that's when I began to hope Luava might be right. That God was a loving God, and not full of hate like my father...and that if He was made of love...then he wouldn't send me to hell for loving her so much, would He? "So I did it. "I just grabbed some clothes and went to a friend's house. He'd told me if I ever wanted to leave, I'd be welcome to stay with his family the first few days. I just showed up on their doorstep and they took me in." Mark pauses. "It might seem funny now, but those were the most terrifying hours of my life. I lay awake most of the night in their guest room, in cold, absolutely cold terror. Waiting for God to take me. Afraid if I fell asleep, I'd wake up in hell. Literally. The ultimate nightmare. "But I didn't. I woke up in the same bed the next morning. It was then I realized God might be nicer and the world bigger than my father had taught." Mark landed on his feet, renting a room from a retired couple and working, first as a busboy, then as a salesman in a downtown shoestore. He and Luava were re-united, dating on weekend and talking every night on the phone. However, Mark was in a serious car accident six weeks later and miraculously escaped injury. "That shook me up," he says. "I thought God was giving me one last chance before He did what my father said He'd do. So I high-tailed it back home." And Luava broke it off again. "This time I wasn't so strong," she recalls. "I was totally miserable. I almost went over there many times." By this time Fred had taken to calling her 'the Philistine whore', so life with father and a broken heart soon had Mark willing to play tennis with death once more. After a few weeks, he returned to his new life. Only to have the pastor swoop in to snatch him back, as he had with Kathy. "That time, however," says Mark, "I was lucky. Just as we pulled up to the church on 12th, some of my dad's law clients pulled up too. "It was like a Hitchcock film: my father couldn't do anything in front of them, so I just got out, walked through the front door, and out the back. Nobody stopped me." After that, Mark held on to his independence and his dreams with an impressive tenacity. "I knew I made enough money for only two of the following," he says: "an apartment; a car; and college tuition. I needed the car; and-now that it was for me and not my father-I wanted to finish college." For two years, Mark slept in his car or in the backroom of the print shop where he worked all day. In the evenings he took classes, and on weekends he worked as a dishwasher in a restaurant. He took his showers at the gym. Luava completed her junior year and senior years at Topeka High, dating Mark on weekends. Despite the pastor's curiously vivid and explicit imagination, the young couple's relationship remained chaste and unconsummated. When his brother Fred asked Mark to be his best man at his wedding, Mark was thrilled and agreed. But when he showed up at the Westboro church for the ceremony, the pastor demanded Mark recant or depart before they went forward. "It was a trap," says Mark wearily. "If he ever missed a beat at being a jerk-he did it before I was born." Mark departed. He has never been back. Nor did the pastor miss his beat damning his second son to the fires of hell. When Mark refused to die in his sleep, Phelps sent him his notice of eviction from the assembled elect of The Place: Mark was cast out and "delivered unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh". The pastor then tore up both Mark and Kathy's pictures in front of the rest of the family. (Kathy was also gone by then: she was working as a waitress and living with a soldier on 12th and Topeka; apparently the GI took a dim view of anyone kidnapping his girlfriend, and the Phelps quick-reaction team left her unmolested.) Mark did see his father again however. At the YMCA gym one day, the pastor took the time to stalk up to Mark, close so no one else could hear, and whisper, his glittering with hatred: "I hope God kills you." God didn't. In May, 1976, Mark graduated from Washburn University with a business degree. In August of that year, he married his childhood sweetheart after a courtship that had lasted since 1971. He was 22. She was 19. Though the family Phelps were all invited, none of them came. Many of them might have wanted to be there, but they had been forbidden to attend. Pastor Phelps had threatened anyone who did with being "delivered unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh". If Fred Phelps is ever granted the preponderance of his wishes, old Satan will be burning the midnight oil, destroying all that flesh. But, devil knows, weddings are a lot work. The newlyweds cramped apartment on 15th and Lane quickly became the headquarters for Phelps exiles. At one point, both Nate and Margie were living within its tiny confines alongside Mark and Luava. "We didn't have much time to ourselves," laughs Mark's wife. "He brought half his family out with him. Fortunately, Nate and I have always been friends. And, back then at least, Margie and I were too." Later the dissident couple would be the consolation and support for Paulette, Jonathon's mistress driven from Westboro when she became pregnant by him. Abandoned by Jonathon and rejected by his family, "she went through some pretty tough times," remembers Mark. Nate's departure was more dramatic. Inclined towards the freethinker and sceptic, and long the family's designated scapegoat, Nate was initially not so torn about leaving the assembly of the elect. "He constantly told me I was worthless," says Nate about his father. "That I was a son of Belial (Satan); I was going to end up in prison; I was evil. That message came through loud and clear. For years since, I have had to struggle to achieve any sense of worthiness in the eyes of God or man. "My father often opined I was such a loser, I'd never even make it through high school. Two weeks before the end of my senior year, when it was apparent I would, he decided my weight needed constant watching. Instead of being allowed to take my final exams. I was pulled out of school and made to ride a stationary bicycle six hours a day. Now...there's a rational act...a real daddy-non-compis-mentis. "So I didn't graduate. I had to take the GED later for my high school diploma." Nate clears his throat.: "A few weeks before my 18th birthday, I bought an old Rambler for $350. I parked it down the street and I didn't tell anyone I had it. I took my things out to the garage a little at a time, and I hid them amid the mess out there." On the night before his birthday, around 15 minutes to midnight on November 21, 1976, Nate pulled his car into the drive, opened the garage, and loaded his few personal belongings in the back. Leaving his keys in the ignition, the black sheep walked into his childhood house of fear and pain. He climbed the stairs to the room where his father slept and he...screamed. At the top of his lungs. And left. That night, Nate slept in the men's room of an APCO gas station because it was heated. He found work and eventually ended up living with Mark, Luava, and Margie (who was also experimenting with adult independence). When the couple moved to St. Louis, Margie and Nate took an apartment and jobs in Kansas City. The Nate went to work and for Mark at a print shop in St. Louis, and Margie returned to the Westboro community. She would become one of Pastor Phelps' staunchest defenders. In 1978, Mark, Luava, and Nate returned and opened their first copy shop in Prairie Village, a suburb of Kansas City. It was a success. In 1979, the couple opened another shop in Topeka, and Nate stayed in Kansas City to manage the first. At that point, says Nate, "it hit me." It was the first time he'd ever been totally separated from all of his family. Though he held no illusions about his father, deep down Nate had always wanted to be a part of the rest-his mother and brothers and sisters-in some other capacity than the bad seed. Now, he felt cut off and alone. It was exactly then that his sisters began calling him, pressing him to return, saying they could call be one family again, and that their father had stopped his beatings. So, three years after his Jim-Morrison-exit, the prodigal returned. However, the pastor's idea of a welcome was to draw up, not a feast, but a document. Nate remembers they had him sit down and pen a letter to Mark-which they dictated. It was left on Nate's desk at the shop in Kansas City, and it informed Mark he had lost his manager without notice due to Mark's serving as ballast for that manager's slide into hell. In August of 1993, in a desperate attempt to discredit what she must have imagined was going to be devastating testimony from the 'bad' son (as much or more of the evidence against the pastor came from the 'good' son), Margie Phelps announced to Capital-Journal investigators she had "the smoking gun to prove Nate is lying". It was a copy of Nate's sign-off to Mark of 14 years before. The letter, she said, proved Nate was on good terms with his family three years after he'd claimed he'd cut his ties to them. Curious as to why the copy of a letter written by Nate and delivered to Mark would find its way into Margie's possession so long after the fact, investigators then heard from Nate how Shirley and Margie had given him the paper and dictated the letter to Mark as one of the terms for Nate's return. The fact that the Westboro Church kept it on file, as a potential lever on Nate at some point in the future-even if that future came nearly in the next generation-can only finds its parallel in the handbooks of the KGB. The Phelps family congregation may not be able to place the name or face of the girl the pastor drove to suicide, but they never misplace a letter-even if that letter was never addressed to them. For Nate, rebirth into his family came with the pastor's umbilical drawn tight around his neck. He was hazed like a plebe at Fred's West Point. Though he got his meals now, Nate was expected to work in the law office full-time for that and a room. He was also expected to complete college and attend law school. "And, in return for my work, my father would pay my tuition," says Nate. "But I had no desire for law school, and I had debts to pay. I needed a cash income-not just room and board." Nate declined the work in the law offices and found employment outside the compound. In the meantime, his father refused to talk to him, handling any business through intermediaries. Nate attended services, but was excluded from the adult male congregation. Instead, he worshiped with the women and children. "Every Sunday, just prior to services, all the men in the church would congregate in the old man's office to sit and chat. When they filed out and took their seats in the auditorium, it signaled services were beginning. It was a rite of passage for the older boys when they were allowed to join. You know, then or before, I was never included." During the ensuing months, his father still refused to speak to him. Instead, envoys were sent to inform Nate the pastor was displeased he was working 'outside'. Again and again, it was suggested to Nate he ought to give up the 'outside' job and work in the law office; that his father would pay him for this by sending him to law school. Nate always refused. He didn't want to go to law school. And he needed cash to pay his debts. He was 21 at the time. "If my dad had paid a wage, even a small one, it would have been OK. But money in your pocket, to him, meant less control over you. It implied mobility and independence, something he was not going to tolerate." All of the loyal Phelps children and their approved spouses followed the pastor's formula: they worked as law clerks, legal secretaries, and gophers for Fred as he churned out lawsuits. In return, the pastor took care of what he had decided were their needs. Finally, one Sunday their father devoted his entire sermon to denouncing the reprobate in the midst: Nate was not of The Place, not one of the elect, or he would be happy to join in the toils of the family enterprise. The pastor announced there would be a meeting after the service where the family would 'decide' whether Nate should stay or go. "I started packing my bag," says Nate. "Family councils never contradicted my dad. He just called them when he wanted everyone else to feel responsible for something he had every intention of doing, regardless." After he'd thrown his few belongings together, Nate remembers he dozed off on his bed, waiting for the verdict. He was awakened by a fist pounding on his door. It was Jonathon. The two brothers were less than a year apart. "You have to go,: Jonathon told his older brother. "You have to go tonight." The Phelps family scapegoat nodded stoically. He hoisted his bag and stepped through the door. His younger brother gave him no hand to shake, no pat on the back, no words of farewell-only silence. Nate has not seen his father since. Once, he went back to visit his mom: "It had been years since I'd talked to her," he relates bitterly. "She'd only see me for two minutes at the back door. And she kept looking over her shoulder the entire time. I felt like a hobo asking for a meal." But Nate, who, like Kathy, had taken the brunt of his father's cruelty and abuse, would find he could not leave his past behind so easily. When he drove away that night after his family council, rejected, wounded, and now self-destructive, Nate Phelps-gratis the pastor-had become dangerous to himself and his community. Like Debbie Valgos, Nate would now be all the bad things his father had said he was. Unlike Debbie, Nate was 6'4" and 280 pounds. And, unlike her, he was just as inclined to violence against others as he was against himself. He plunged into a world of drugs, drink, violence, and hooligan friends, and very nearly accomplished his parents' self-fulfilling prophesy that he would be the convict of the family. "When I first left," says Nate, "right away I moved in with some wild boys living above the VW shop on 6th Street. They had a perpetual party going there for almost four months. A keg was permanently on tap. "When I hit that, boy, did I have an attitude. I remember I was real belligerent and anti-authority." Ten months later, addicted to speed and crystal meth, without shoes, penniless, and desperate, the prodigal giant appeared on Mark and Luava's doorstep only a few days before the couple moved to California. Haunted by ghosts of his father's hatred, enraged by the memories of his physical abuse, and emotionally disemboweled by the knowledge his mother and his siblings had offered him up, an entire childhood sacrificed, to save themselves, Nate Phelps had become a rider on the storm. Soon the pastor might have had reason for dancing and clapping his hands again. But the pastor's appointed angel and his projected devil knew instantly they were veterans from the same war. They needed each other. Each sensed he might be able to redeem his brother: the one of his guilt; the other from a coffin void of love or self-esteem. Thus, the former favorite of Fred and back-up mattock-beater was the only Phelps who could understand and forgive the rage of the family's designated criminal and black sheep. The 'good' Phelps boy forgave the 'evil' one his impulsive betrayal of the year before, and he invited his little brother to come to California with them. Today, Mark Phelps owns a successful chain of copy stores in Southern California. He and Luava have two children. Nate manages the largest in the chain. He is happily married, drug- free, and content. He and his wife, Tammi, are raising four children. Nate still receives treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and, ironically, some of the Vietnam vets who receive the same therapy say their year in hell sounds preferable to his 18 inside the walls of Westboro. Both brothers say they cringe at the thought of anyone touching their kids. They know what darkness may yet linger in their souls from their father's nightmare, and they daily guard against it emerging in their behavior toward their own children. Mark and Nate live four blocks from each other in an upscale Orange County community surrounded by pine forest. Both couples are devout Christians-though the god the boys worship is now a loving one. And, after growing up with the Pastor Phelps, not much can rattle them" Recently, after answering some questions concerning minor details for the story, Nate announced calmly, "Well, I should get off. I have to pack now." Were they going somewhere? "Yes. For now. The fire is coming down the mountain. It's only two miles from here," "Fire? That's terrible! What about Mark and Luava?" "Oh, she was packed three hours ago." The racing blaze missed their homes, (Not the kind of punishment predicted by the pastor for those he feels have 'gone against' his assembled elect at the compound in Topeka.) While the emotional cocktail mixed at the Phelps of Westboro seems perpetually one part cruelty, one part anger, one part hysteria, and one part maudlin self-pity, the lasting impression left after hours of phone conversations with Nate and Mark is one of serenity. They have the calm wisdom of mariners who have been rescued from a wild sea. The one saved by a brother's love; the other buoyed up by a teenage girl's moral courage. Mark and Nate Phelps have found their peace and happiness. They would like to help their brothers and sisters do the same, but they have not yet discovered how to reach them. And the two brothers, survivors, themselves are not unscathed. "I'm OK during the day," says Nate. "It's late at night when it all comes back. I sometimes just sit and there after my family is asleep. You know, and it comes back. All the feelings of pain, and violation, and outrage. And I try to deal with it. Then I'm OK again." Mark laughs. "I've had a recurring dream for years now. I'm out driving around and I turn up a street and it looks familiar. I can't place it so I keep driving. Then I see the church and realize where I am. I hot the gas to get out of there, but the car suddenly dies. Then my father and my brothers and sisters start coming out. But I can't start the car. I'm cranking the engine for dear life and it's not catching. "As they come out in the street, I'm trying to lock all the doors and roll up the windows...but I forget the driver's door... "They pull me out. And Daddy says: 'What the hell do you think you're doing? Were you selling on Prairie Road tonight?'" CHAPTER NINE "The False Prophet" Sometime around 1975, Phelps began to find his option to beat his family restricted. By then, Mark and Kathy had already rebelled and left, and the other children were fast becoming adults of not inconsiderable size. About a year before Nate left, he remembers an incident which must have put the abusive pastor on notice to find new outlets for his hate. "One day he was beating mom upstairs," Nate recalls. "He'd been doing it for some time. Shirley and Margie and I were in the dining room downstairs, and Margie and I were getting madder and madder. Shirl wouldn't get mad-she'd always start crying and pacing around whenever anyone was getting beaten. "Margie finally went and got a butcher knife from the kitchen. The three of us went to the bottom of the stairs. But our voices stuck in our throats. We couldn't call out. None of us. We were so scared." When the raging reverend chased his wife out onto the landing, he saw them. Fred stared down at them: "Get the hell outta here." Margie held the knife up where he could see it. "You've got to stop this," she told him. The pastor slowly descended the steps. His children backed up but didn't leave. For a long moment he glared at them. Then he said quietly: "Fine, you SOBs." And he turned and went back to his bedroom. For three weeks after that, Fred Phelps had no contact with his family except at church. He stayed in his room until it was time to give his sermon. After Nate departed the fold in 1976, apparently the pastor began to worry about the success of his methods. He'd raised a congregation from his loins, and now they were bailing out at the first opportunity. Fred Jr., Mark, Nate, Kathy, Dorotha, Margie, Rebekah, and Jonathon would all leave home at some point. It was at this point that his wife and daughters apparently convinced Phelps that, if he wanted his family, he'd have to stay his hand. From then on, it was the outside community which more and more would become the outlet for the pastor's rage. Nate was coaxed back to the family compound three years later by his sisters' assurances 'the old man' had changed, that things were better now, and he wasn't beating anymore. But, as Nate quickly found out, the pastor still sought total control over his children's private and emotional lives. He left for good. Nate's younger brother, Jonathon, met Paulette when he was still in law school. She joined the Westboro church and was highly cooperative, though the pastor frowned on her for not following his path (Paulette has no law degree.). Later, when it was discovered they were fornicating, Paulette was driven from The Place. Jon was allowed to stay. Though by this time he was a practicing lawyer, all of Jon's adult privileges were taken away by his father. Members of the church were assigned to accompany him 24 hours a day to guard against his backsliding with Paulette. As a hedge against his leaving, each day he was given only enough money from the common family finances to buy his lunch. But the damage had already been done. Paulette had conceived. Living with her parents, abandoned by Jonathan, an object of contempt to his family, Paulette turned in desperation to the Phelps boys who'd moved to California. Mark and Luava say they had many a late-night counseling session over the phone with Paulette while she carried her baby to term. After their child was born, apparently Jon's girl wanted nothing more to do with him. But Jon was having second thoughts. Six months after he'd become a father, he petitioned the court for joint custody and visitation rights. According to court records, Jon claimed Paulette would not accept payments of support, that she had refused him visitation rights, and that she would not allow him to take their child from her parents' home. When the couple actually confronted each other before a judge, however, Paulette saw only Jon, and he only had eyes for the woman he loved and their tiny daughter. And Fred Phelps with his threats of hell and hatred of Christmas must suddenly have seemed so very far from the god who had given them their little girl. Jonathon deserted the Westboro church and moved in with Paulette's family. They were married soon after. By now, it was apparent to the pastor that Mark and Nate's move to California in 1981 was going to be permanent. "So, when Jonathon left, my father had lost three sons," says Marks. "At that point," he adds, referring to his and Luava's long conversations with Paulette at the time, "my dad decided it might be better to relax his rules and keep his family than end with an empty church." Jonathon and Paulette were allowed to return to the congregation with their illegitimate child in 1988. Unable since then to either beat and browbeat his family, the Pastor Phelps seems to have focused instead on his therapeutically malicious law practice. This is the period, 1983-1989, when he is reprimanded for this unchecked spate of extortional demand letters, when he eventually federally disbarred for his wild and vitriolic attacks on three judges, and when he sues Ronald Reagan over appointing an ambassador to the Vatican. Fred's swan song in the federal courts in February, 1989 left him unable to express his most persistent of urges: to hurt and humiliate other human beings. Already prevented from punching up his grandchildren, and now banned from the barrister's ring, the old pugilist took stock and realized he still had his fists and his faithful urge to abuse. Buffalo Fred took his wild ego show out of his house, out of the courtroom, and into the streets. Within months, he was running for governor, tramping importantly about the state and churning out position papers on the general corruption of the Adamic race. The spotlight, so comforting and necessary to prankster pastor, had returned. He only garnered six percent of the vote. No matter. Nine months after losing the election, Fred Phelps unveiled his next therapeutic crusade: his left hooks rained on same comparatively helpless and unsuspecting heads when he opened the "Great Gage Park Decency Drive"-which quickly escalated into his current death-to-fags campaign. To hear the pastor describe his new venture, one feels in the presence of a Napoleon crossing the river Neiman to invade Russia-two great empires, the one good, the other evil, about to clash, finally, and to the death. To read his crusading literature, however, leaves a different impression: The "Great Gage Park Decency Drive" hovers between vaudeville and the bizarre. One campaign fax churned out during November of 1993 would seem to cover both choices. For vaudeville, the pastor poses a question: can God-fearing Christian families picnic or play touch football there (Gage Park) without fear of contradicting AIDS? HELL, NO!" He then describes the enemy activity in suspicious detail: "Open fag rectal intercourse in public restrooms, in the rose garden, in the rock garden, in the theater, in the rainforest, in the swimming pool, on the softball fields, on the swing sets, or the train-it's everywhere..." And for the bizarre: In the same fact epistle, Fred to the Sodomites, the pastor reviews his son-in- law's opus of investigative endeavor, The Conspiracy within a Conspiracy. For those arriving late, Conspiracy is the privately published book by Brent Roper, who made the "it will be harder now, but I will destroy them" attribution to Judge Rogers in Chapter Six. In the fax, Fred defends Roper's thesis that Truman Capote passed AIDS simultaneously to both Jack Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe during a touch football game in the Rose Garden "when a gang tackle went awry". According to the fax, the CIA later killed both the president and Marilyn to keep them from infecting the country-Capote's own longevity notwithstanding. In any case, touch football seems to be the one thing consistently on Fred's mind here. In the midst of his anti-gay campaign, the pastor also ran for the U.S. Senate in 1992 for Topeka mayor in 1993. He lost both races. Of the two, his Senate bid will likely be the better-remembered: Phelps, in a great plains parody of the late senator from Wisconsin, warned the voters darkly that homosexuals were taking over America, and accused Gloria O'Dell, his opponent for the Democratic, of being a lesbian. Unelected after three races, the angry pastor maneuvered to advance his hate-gays crusade from local TV spots and neighborhood pickets to the national media. The Westboro congregation traveled to Washington, D.C. to taunt the Gay Pride March in the spring of 1993. It was red meat for a sensation-hungry press. Fred and found his rhythm. Even before then, however, the nine children still loyal to him had campaigned enthusiastically alongside, picketing in rain, snow, or sun. Why? Says Nate: "You known that Lite beer commercial where the guy goes up to the two other guys and gets them to fight over his comparison of two incomparable issues ('Tastes great!/Nope, less Filling!)? My dad does that. "Deep down, my brothers and sisters know they've been denied the right to be themselves-free adults-and that combines with all of his abuse and anger toward them until their rage is uncontrollable inside. He helps them find a focus to vent that out. And then he steps aside." Mark agrees: "Everyone is very angry there. That's why they overeat. It's a very charged atmosphere. All that frustrated energy needs to be discharged in some form of conflict." Though this latter observation is almost 13 years old, it still provides an accurate summation of one reporter's experience who spent six weeks in daily contact with the family Phelps in the fall of 1993. Fred has a captive family congregation: their fear of hell and fear of him still control them, like the elephant's rope. His loyal children have fulfilled his ambitions rather than their own. They live at his side and do his work. And since his rage has become their outrage, a wrath they dare not turn back on him, Fred's kids have eagerly joined in whenever he has sallied forth from Westboro to smite the Adamic race. Margie Phelps admits many in her family have become emotionally dependent on the death-to- gays crusade: "A lot of us have been able to work through emotional problems because of the picketing," she says. She explains the bonding and the sense of goals have brought them closer and taken each person's focus off their own personal difficulties. "It would be very hard for them to give up the picketing now," she observes, and quotes with some apparent relief the circumstances outlined by her father for an end to his grim campaign: the return of Jesus; the capitulation of all homosexuals; "or they kill us. Otherwise it will go on." What's important here is the Phelps family has found something they can all enjoy doing together. And it's helping them to grow and realize more about themselves. All except one. Dorotha, on of the youngest Phelps children, left the compound in 1990. She was 25 at the time and already an established attorney. "We were all supposed to get law degrees, stay home, and live happily every after," she says. "The problem was, I wasn't happy. "My father's operating mode is one of perpetual warfare. I thought once he'd been disbarred, it would die down, and he would stop-you know-being so aggressive. He wrote that book (still an unpublished manuscript) comparing the courts to the Corsican Mafia...but I guess it didn't go anywhere. "And then he started all these other things... "It's just not going to die down. It's not going to quit. He's such an egomaniac. He liked to keep things stirred up because he likes attention. He likes to be center stage. It just wore me out. The constant pressure there was just too much. "But," adds Dorotha, who goes by 'Dottie', "despite all his flaws, he's the leader of the church as well as a father. If they (her family back at the compound) believe, they also accept him." The pastor is enthusiastic about his new therapy: "The Bible approves only of sex within marriage," he insists. "But whore mongers and adulterers God will damn to hell! "No premarital sex! No extramarital sex! No divorces, no remarriages-and for God's sakes-NO ANAL COPULATING!" (In which case, come the Rapture, Westboro Baptist will still be holding services.) Fred continues: "Anytime a famous fag dies of AIDS, we're going to picket his funeral, wherever it is." He adds he subscribes to the New York Times because it identifies gays who've died of AIDS. Phelps is literally giggling now, able to appear on shows like Jane Whitney, Ricki Lake, and 20/20 and talk dirty to gays. On top of the verbal abuse the pastor heaps from the television screen, he claims he's doing gays a favor by disrupting their funerals, outraging their mourners, and picketing the businesses that employ them. Raising this kind of ruckus is...well...a bit of necessary bad taste to get the "good word" out. Interviewed on KBRT radio in Los Angeles, Phelps was asked: "What about the Bible advice that Christians are to have the wisdom of serpents and the meekness of doves?" To which he responded: "The next to last verse in Jude says we were to make to a sharp difference in how we are to approach people to win them. On some, have compassion, making a difference. Others you should save with fear. "That means using the authority of terrorizing people about the coming fires of God's judgement and wrath, as opposed to approaching them with compassion." Trouble is, Phelps may have yet to meet the sinner he deems worthy of the compassionate path. The pastor has generated most of his notoriety from public outrage at his desecration of funeral and burial rites. To this, he has a formulaic response, most recently offered to Chris Bull of The Advocate in defense of emotionally brutalizing the mourners for Kevin Oldham, a native of Kansas City who had found success in New York as a composer: "Compared to hell and eternal punishment, their (the mourners) suffering is trivial. If Kevin could come back, he would ask me to please preach at his funeral, and he say, 'For God's sake, listen to Fred Phelps.' Dying time is truth time. These poor homosexual creatures live lives predicated on a fundamental lie, and they die engrossed in the lie. It seems to me to be the cruelest thing of all to stand over their dead, filthy bodies keeping the lies going." Yet Phelps doesn't believe homosexuals can be redeemed, an attitude which cast his actions, not as salvation-through-fear, but as pointless and abusive. Almost any day on the picket line in Topeka, he can be heard announcing to the occasional passerby who stops to talk: "Deep-dyed fags cannot be saved. God has given them up." The pastor seems uninterested when other Christian ministers attempt to show him differently. One the same KBRT talk show, Phelps intoned: "It's my position that they (gays) fit in that category of the most depraved and degenerate of Adam's race. And probably these guys are past hope for salvation. "And it was a long time coming to that. I've never seen one such person converted in 46 years of preaching this Bible." "I've seen a number of homosexuals come to Christ," protests the announcer, up to now quite warn to Fred's message. "I'd like to meet one," says Fred. The announcer mentions a young man, a reformed homosexual, who, after 'coming to Christ', has established an AIDS ministry that is now nationwide. "Herb Hall," says the how's host, "is one of the most solid soul winners I've seen in decades." They reach Hall by phone at his home in Garden Grove, New Jersey. He invites Fred to come and see, that there's plenty of gays who turned to Christ and ceased their sodomy. "I think it's a put-on," says Fred. He resists the suggestion that Phelps and Hall confer on what they've learned during their separate campaigns against homosexuality. "I'd love to sit down and talk with you, and meet with you," begins Hall. "We'll have to do that," responds Phelps, "because your story so far is not convincing, and it sounds very canned and put on to me." When the announcer again vouches for Hall, Phelps says reluctantly: "I gotta talk to him first, and I gotta know more..." Then to Hall: "Are you gonna call me?" Announcer: "Oh! We've just hung up on him. But we have his number, and we'll give that to you, OK?" Phelps: "OK. Thank you. I'm very interested." But Preacher Phelps never called. So Hall called him. He remembers their conversation below: "Pastor Phelps, when Jesus approached the prostitute, all the people who had surrounded her, He wrote their sins in the dirt. That's why they left her alone. Unless we show them (homosexuals), love and compassion, and really comfort them, we'll never be able to reach them." Hall says Phelps told him he'd never seen a homosexual that had ever changed, and he doubted that Hall had. "Pastor, I am a homosexual. I've changed. And I will be in heaven someday." According to Hall, Phelps doubted that also. "So you think it (homosexuality) is the one unforgivable sin?" Yes, said Phelps. In an interview with Jim Doblin, a television reporter for WIBW-TV, Channel 13 in Topeka, Phelps shared a bit more. If everyone was predestined from the womb, regardless of what they did in life, asked Doblin, wouldn't there be a homosexual or two among the Elect? No, Phelps insisted. "Three times within eight verses in Romans, Chapter 1, it says God has given these people up. If the only power in the universe that can call you to Jesus Christ has given you up, how you gonna get there?" In fact, Phelps has shown little interest in getting the "good word" out at all. His record in this new campaign shows his focus is on ego dominance, insult, and therapeutic lashing out. Offers Phelps from the same interview with Doblin: "My ol' dad used to say, 'you're gettin' people mad at you, bubba! An' if you're determined to get 'em mad at you, I recommend you just walk up and kick 'em in the shins-it won't take so long!' "I believe I finally took my ol' dad's advice: just walk up and kick 'em in the shins!" The pastor breaks into a big grin: "God hates fags!" He's obviously enjoying himself. But why kick them in the shins if they can't be saved? Fred can't answer that. Because she knows he's not trying to save anyone. For his own secret reasons, he needs to hurt people, and he's chosen homosexuals. Reacting to a joint statement condemning his anti-gay activities that was signed by 47 Topeka area religious leaders, Phelps, in a letter to The Advocate wrote: "I love it. I'm a Baptist preacher, and that means I'm a hate preacher." When it comes to any serious attempt to explore a religious issue via considered argument and fair rebuttal, however, Pastor Phelps has proved a no-show, On August 23, 1993, Dick Snider, a columnist for the Capital-Journal, printed part of the letter from an English professor at Spoon River College in Canton, Illinois. Farrell Till was a Bible debater, and he wanted a chance to debate Fred on God's hatred of homosexuals. By midmorning, the faxes came rolling in at the newsroom and offices all over the capital: a photo of the pastor, looking pensive and studious at his desk, and the words emblazoned: I ACCEPT! LET'S DEBATE! Followed by the missive: "Not since two of my heroes (Clarence Darrow and William Jennings Bryan) slugged it out at the famous Scopes Monkey Trial at Dayton, Tennessee in July, 1925, has the issue of the inerrancy of the Bible been properly debated. If Farrell Till is for real, let's get it on. "Your newspaper can work out the details and send circulation off the charts. And your own involvement to date in this historic event will more than justify your otherwise pitiful existence on this earth as a wayward son of Adam. Kindest regards. Fred Phelps." Farrell Till was notified his challenge had been accepted. He immediately sent the pastor a courteous letter, via the Capital-Journal, outlining his qualifications to engage in a serious scholarly exchange and requesting Phelps contact him to work out a compatible date. Fred forgot. Though he was reminded several times by both the paper and Till, the impulsive pastor never remembered to set that date. By Christmas, Till reported he had inquired by phone or letter five times and received no response. Coincidentally, during the same time period, the Capital-Journal had arranged for a round-table exchange in print: participating with Phelps would have been Tex Sample, a liberal minister from St. Paul's School of Theology in Kansas City; Rabbi Lawrence Karol, an old testament scholar in Topeka; and Scott Clark, a primitive Baptist (old Calvinist) minister from Fred's own sect, now working on his doctorate in theology at Oxford University. Fred would exchange views in print with clergymen of three differing faiths to avoid the discussion becoming mired in minor sectarian conflicts. All four agreed to participate, and all agreed to the tennis format: Phelps would serve by responding to three questions; the others would return with comment, and Phelps would bat it back. To the three questions-Does God hate? Does God hate gays? By what authority do you judge?-Phelps submitted a brief response. His turbid theology was quickly returned to him, analyzed as unfounded and unbiblical-even by the Oxford Calvinist of his own sect. Now here was a battle of the Titans! Let's get it on! But again the would-be William Jennings Bryan fled the field, muttering he'd heard all those false arguments before and couldn't be bothered refuting them again. Pity. All those reprobates out there who've never heard his refutations...it would be like water to parched souls... Twice turning tail at the opportunity for his truth to confront publicly the world's falsehoods...a very odd response indeed for someone who claims his only aim in his crude, cruel, and vindictive behavior is to get the "good word" out to a world of stubborn reprobates. Each time has been offered the chance to present his message in a fair and sober forum-sans shin-kicking and street theater-the earnest pastor has passed. In fairness, it would be observed that, since his tent emptied that night in Vernal, Utah, Phelps has preached almost entirely to the converted and the blood-related. He may find an opinion differing from his own to be a frightening and flight-triggering experience. Or perhaps the amateur Biblical erudition gained during that long, arduous summer Phelps spent between his baptism and ordination failed him when he entered the arena of professional scholarship. Whatever the cause, the pastor appears long on antics, insults, and threats-short on good news the reprobates can use. Of the 12 abominations listed in the Old Testament, pride in one-homosexuality is not. "His dad couldn't care less about God or the Bible," says Luava. "He just happened to embrace that structure to create a framework for himself as god. What he says, goes. In his mind, and in his life, he is god." "He's not for anything but Fred," adds Nate. "Whatever it is he has to do to get attention, he'll do it." Mark interrupts: "...He helped himself to any behavior he ever wanted to have and then left it for others to clean up. He's operating at the level of a two year-old. My little girl just goes up and shoves someone sometimes, but she's two. He does not hesitate to do what my little Becky does, but he does it in adult ways. "He's completely out-focused and totally high right now. He's got the best fix: drugs, beatings, all the raging and abusing he's done, all the political stirring-up he's caused, nothing compares to what he's doing now." Nate adds: "And each time it seems he has to ratchet it a little higher. Eventually it could end in tragedy for a lot of people." He shakes his head. "My father likes to hurt people. And he needs to hate them. Why, I don't know. But you can be sure of one thing: he'll always do it with the Bible. "They'll give us the fags," says Margie, referring to Topeka's generally hostile response to the pastor's message, "it's the 'God hates' part they can't stand. The notion that God hates humans is rejected so deeply by most people-that's what everyone is so angry about." If the strange case of Fred Phelps were, in fact, a doctrinal and not a mental health phenomenon, it would revolve on two issues: whether God hates some souls regardless of their character or actions and whether he hates homosexuals most of all. Absolute predestination-the theory that some people are bound for heaven before they are born, while others have a one-way ticket to hell-best focuses the beliefs of Westboro Baptist and its basilisk leader. "It goes like this," says Fred, shifting into his preacher voice, talking slowly and emphasizing every syllable, "the everlasting love of God for some men and the everlasting hatred of God for other men is the grand doctrine that razes free will to the ground. "Hate in the deity is not a passion like it is with humans, you know. It is a purpose that is part of His nature and His essential attributes." The Bible is chock full of hate, says the pastor. "From all eternal ages past, God has loved some of Adam's race and purposed to do them good, and he's hated the rest and purposed to punish them for their sins." Attributes of God linked to hate, anger, wrath and punishment are used two-thirds more often in the Bible than attributes linked to love, mercy, pity, long-suffering, gentleness and goodness, he claims "You can't be a Bible preacher without preaching the hatred of God, the wrath of God. It is a fabrication, this modern Christianity, that says good old God loves everybody." Implicit in all this talk of predestination is the assumption that Fred, at last, is going to heaven. Yet the Bible, as it interpreted by predestinists, says the elect will not be revealed until the Judgement Day. Tacitly, the pastor's congregation counts him early in that tiny group and looks to him for a sign they'll be a part too. Not only is Phelps without Bible authority to designate them elect, he may not be elect himself. His ministry could be that of a reprobate. A summary of some of the objections raised to the pastor's philosophy of hate by Sample, Clark, and Karol is listed below. The text of the original exchange is contained in the appendix. 1) It rejects a 3000 year-old rabbinical interpretation of the Jacob and Esau story in favor of one of his own. 2) It mistranslates and falsely equates the words for the anger and wrath of God that so often occur in the Old Testament with a divine hatred of mankind. 3) When the Bible does speak of God hating, God is described as hating the act or the sin-not the sinner. 4) The speaker in the book of Psalms does profess hatred for the sinner- but the voice is that of the psalmist, not of God. 5) Phelps pointedly ignores the emphasis in the New Testament on love and forgiveness. One may find lichen growing on the floor of a redwood forest-but that does not make it a moor, not so long as the landscape is dominated by the giant trees. The prophet of hate grins broadly when asked how it feels being the target of so much hatred himself now: "You guys don't seem to understand what motivates me." He chuckles. As usual, a Bible verse serves as his answer. "Blessed are ye when men shall hate you and revile you and say all manner of evil against you falsely for my sake. Rejoice and be exceedingly glad: for great is your reward in heaven." Phelps seems giddy, His words roll off his tongue in a Mississippi drawl tinged with excitement. "I love them to death," he says of those who criticize him. "If they weren't doing that, how am I going to get all that 'great is your reward in heaven'? If you are preaching the truth of God, people are going to hate you. And they can't often or always articulate why, and so they fall back on specious, insincere and false reasons for why they hate you. And you swim in a sea of lies. And I love it!" Phelps seems to lead a euphoric life, Today he is wearing his trademark running shoes, running shorts, and shirt and tie with a nylon running jacket, sleeves rolled up to his biceps. He has just returned from a noontime picket in downtown Topeka. "If the call was good, it never goes away," he chirps, referring to the 1946 revival that called him to preaching. "I have a hard time getting to sleep some nights from pure happiness." A wide smile blossoms on his windburned face. His eyes gleam and glitter. It's hard to imagine so much happiness taking root and growing out of so much hate. "If my father's going to become a spokesman for the Christian Reform Movement, it's important Christians realize who he really is," states Mark. "What worries me most is my brothers and sisters may see him as a Christ-like figure. "He has nothing to do with Christ. He is a sad, sick man who likes to hurt people. For a long as I've known him, he has been addicted to hate." Even a cursory glance at the pastor's most recent published material would seem to beat this out. The following random excerpts from his faxes can't be defended as "scaring 'em to salvation". They are mean and hateful and nothing more: (December 2, 1993) Next to the headline, "FAGS: GOD'S HATE SPEAKS LOUDEST", is the text: "Fag Bishop Fritz Mutti...confessed his sins to ANTICHRIST CLINTON: He raised 2 fag sons for the Devil; they died of AIDS. GOOD RIDDANCE!" (December 9, 1993) "Court Clerk JOYCE REEVES dying of cancer? Couldn't happen to a better dyke...May explain why she's super bitchy to the help. N.Y. Fag Son TODD's arrived, looking like AIDS on a stick. Patronize his Westboro Shop and go home with AIDS?" (December 16, 1993) [When Topeka Police Sergeant, Dave Landis, only 45 years-old and with a wife and children, was suddenly paralyzed by a stroke, Phelps found time to gloat.] "You don't scare us, Officer Landis! Not even before the Lord turned you into a limp vegetable! "Westboro Baptist will picket fag cop Landis fundraiser...Fag cop John Sams and his FOP (Phaternal Order of Phags) will try to raise $12,500 to unscramble the brain of fag cop Dave Landis...Forget it, guys! When God scrambles eggs, man can't unscramble 'em. Westboro Baptist has picketed this evil Son of Belial at the VA hospital for 4 months now; Westboro Baptist will picket his funeral to give him a proper send-off to hell..." Many of Fred Phelps' former adversaries and law school classmates have gone on to become luminaries, while he has slowly dissolved into a disbarred lawyer and failed preacher, supported by his abused children. The more his own life slips into the periphery, the more stridently abusive he becomes. Pastor Phelps is one of many false prophets to come who will seek to exploit the loss of faith, soul, and identity in North America. As a society that has lost its path in a steaming, sensual, violent marsh of mindless, me-first, frantic consumerism, America is entering its dark middle age stupified by television and content to let its values be formed, not by saints, heroes, and visionaries, but by default, by advertising and market forces appealing to the basest urges in each of us. Our culture has grown childish and narcissistic, slothful and irrational. With the winter of our nation will soon follow the wolves-fierce white toothed beasts come to trip the flesh of our indolence. Fred Phelps is one of them. And in our chaos and confusion, the false prophets will claim to lead us into a new day. But by this mark we shall know them: no matter how bright their vision, always it will demand someone or group be punished before a new day can come. The dark angels will promise a bright tomorrow but ask for blood today. Fifty years ago, looking ahead to our time, the poet, Yates, would lament: "The best lack all conviction and the worst are filled with a passionate intensity." We are always striving to increase the accuracy and usefulness of our website. We are happy to hear from you. Please submit questions, suggestions, comments, corrections, etc. to: [email protected].	i don't know
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LLOYDS SHRANK British taxpayers lose majority shareholder status in Lloyds Bank as public stake shrinks to 6 per cent DR KEITH HOPCROFT If you're one of 5.4million Brits with asthma, breathe easy and check you haven't been misdiagnosed the perfect perk me up We try out revolutionary natural treatment that firms up boobs without the need for needles HELLO (TROLLEY) DOLLY! 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ANOTHER FINE MES Mesut Ozil says he is sick of being Arsenal scapegoat and wants Gunners to aim higher than just top four GOLD STAMP West Ham owner rules out paying over the odds for Jermain Defoe due to lack of sell-on potential BAD NEWS, VIN Guardiola ready to swoop for Bayern ace Holger Badstuber if Vincent Kompany remains crocked Hands off Phil Jurgen Klopp warns Barcelona that Philippe Coutinho is not for sale as he prepares for injury comeback TROPHY MAGNET Jose Mourinho wants League Cup win with Man United after three successes at Chelsea HE'LL JOIN DEGREATS James DeGale is tipped by trainer Jim McDonnell to become an all-time great British boxer EDDIE NEEDS IT MAN Chris Robshaw is out of Six Nations after surgery - leaving the stage set for Maro Itoje to step up LIFE'S A BEACH Steven Gerrard's wife Alex shows off baby bump on holiday... while Liverpool legend speculates on sex of new child Transfers live Anthony Stewart and the Wycombe Wanderers team delighted to get Tottenham in FA Cup 00:48 Barcelona star Gerard Pique furiously gestures towards La Liga boss following ref blunder 00:30 Mohd Faiz Subri scores insane knuckleball free-kick for Penang in Malaysian Super League 00:31 Eoin Morgan says Joe Root will join England squad after birth of his first child 00:57 Former Chelsea player Oscar begins training with Chinese side Shanghai SIPG 01:04 FIFA award winners Ronaldo, Ranieri, Modric and Carli Lloyd react on red carpet 00:53 Kyle Walker, Eric Dier and John Stones’ team win cool Nike training challenge 00:31 Watch Diego Maradona present Claudio Ranieri his best FIFA coach award 2016 02:04 Cambridge 1-2 Leeds : The Whites seal comeback victory to reach FA Cup fourth round 01:04 Ha Cristiano Ronaldo has a dig at no-show Barcelona players after winning FIFA player of the year 00:35 Chelsea goalkeeper Thibaut Courtois scores an amazing free-kick in training 00:50 Hello big guy	Celebrity Big Brother
Which musical features the songs Stranger in Paradise & the Olive Tree?	Celebrity Big Brother 2016: What time does it start and who’s going in? Everything you need to know – The Sun CELEBRITY Big Brother 2016 is just hours away and it’s shaping up to be the best series ever. On Sunday the line-up of 16 stars was confirmed with the likes of Kim Kardashian’s best pal Jonathan Cheban and failed I’m A Celebrity contestant Gemma Collins among those heading into the Channel 5 compound. Here’s everything you need to know about the 2016 series: What time is Celebrity Big Brother on? Channel 5 The show will kick off TONIGHT, Tuesday January 5 at 9pm on Channel 5. All of the housemates are expected to head in together although Big Brother is sure to have a twist up his sleeve for the opening night. The two-hour special will be packed with action as they head into the famous residence, with an hour-long episode of Celebrity Big Brother’s Bit on the Side airing from 11pm on the same channel. Who will be presenting Celebrity Big Brother? PA theatres of a bygone era’ – and no expense has been spared with the plush interior. A throne-like seat made of vintage suitcases and red velvet has been erected for the Diary Room chair while there are plenty of other quirks to keep the housemates entertained. Despite several of the housemates having had drink and drug problems, the building is complete with a pharmacy and pub, which contestant Danniella Westbrook has already compared to the Queen Vic from EastEnders. Channel 5 Elsewhere the living room has been transformed into a theatrical space complete with leather sofas, chandeliers, red and gold wallpaper and even a life-size tiger. The smart kitchen is decorated to look like a theatre bar while a florists, boozer and curiosities shop fill the garden, along with a pond and swimming pool. Who is taking part in Celebrity Big Brother? A whopping number of stars will be heading into the house this evening with many calling it the best line-up yet. However, more than half of them are from other reality shows, so those who aren’t a fan of the genre may have a tough time keeping up. Nevertheless, their prior experience will result in plenty of entertaining telly. John Partridge After making a name for himself playing Christian Clarke in EastEnders, John, 44, has been a regular guest on CBB’s Bit on the Side as a big fan of the show. Following a stint on gymnastics reality show Tumble in 2014 and an album release in the same year, he will be heading inside to stir things up with his ‘outspoken’ attitude. A source teased: “John is outspoken and will speak as he finds. He will certainly shake things up.” She was deemed ‘unfit’ to appear on the show over the summer but the 42-year-old ex-EastEnders actress has passed the entrance tests this time around. Contestants are made to keep their entrance into the show a secret right up until they enter the house but the former drug addict has been posting years during which she was forced to live in temporary accommodation, relapsed on cocaine and was allegedly the victim of domestic abuse from an ex boyfriend. A source at the end of last year teased: “It’s the best early Christmas present she could wish for. She can start 2016 with a comeback on telly and a big payday.” She was axed from Hollyoaks under mysterious circumstances last summer and has been in talks with producers after failing a medical test for I’m A Celebrity due to a deadly nut allergy. And after admitting she wouldn’t be heading Down Under for the jungle, she hinted there would be plenty more of her on telly very soon. She said: “Sure I would have had you all laughing your socks off. Don’t worry though, there are amazing stuff coming up for me so keep your eyes peeled! A CBB source added: “Steph is gorgeous and will make great telly. The jungle’s loss is our gain.” Channel 5 / Jonathan Ford Larger-than-life US celebrity David was a close friend of Michael Jackson and famously married Liza Minnelli back in 2002. Now divorced, the 62-year-old will be following his successful appearance on I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here in 2006 by heading into the house. And with a lengthy showbiz career, he’s sure to have plenty of tales to tell. A source revealed: “It’s a big deal to get Gest in the house – he has pretty much turned his back on reality TV in the last few years instead choosing to focus on his actual jobs of being a concert-and-television producer as well as a live artist. “But now he’s signed on the dotted line he’s sure to be very popular with his stories about his close friends Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston.” Jonathan Cheban Renowned for being Kim Kardashian’s best friend, he’s a regular on Keeping Up With The Kardashians which has catapulted him to worldwide fame. of his stint on the show, which pal Kim is supporting him with. Despite reportedly warning him not to reveal any of the family’s secrets, she tweeted earlier this week: “OMGGGG I can’t believe @JonathanCheban is doing celeb Big Brother UK. I’m dying to see this! He’s going to be hysterical!!!!” A source revealed: “Jonathan has had many offers from other reality TV shows in the past but has always turned them down out of respect for Kim. “Now she’s given her his blessing and the entire family are going to be backing home the whole way.” Channel 5 / Jonathan Ford Geordie Shore lad Scotty is sure to be up for getting down and dirty in the house, as he’s used to doing it on the MTV reality show. The 27-year-old lothario is the bookies’ favourite for a romance in the house and there will be plenty of eye candy for him to chase. Scotty, whose full name is Scott Timlin, has already been confirmed for the next series of Ex on the Beach and has been sworn in to CBB to “liven things up”. Megan McKenna Ex on the Beach star Megan will be hoping she doesn’t follow in the footsteps of co-star Chloe Goodman who was kicked out first on CBB last January. The 22-year-old babe found love with fellow contestant Jordan Davies on the MTV show and is clearly a fan of reality telly. She’s previously auditioned for Britain’s Got Talent and the X Factor, and was in Towie star Jess Wright’s girl band LOLA for 18 months before they split. Jeremy McConnell After finding fame as a contestant on the X Factor in 2012, Chris has built a name for himself as a cosmetic surgery addict. The 38-year-old singer revealed last year that he’d splashed out £60,000 on plastic surgery and will be taking his new face into the house. But despite his stint on the ITV singing competition, he hasn’t managed to make a dent on the charts and instead runs the Chris Maloney Theatre and Arts Academy in Liverpool. The Strictly Come Dancing professional was paired with Daniel O’Donnell in last year’s series of the show and is reportedly close to quitting. And following months of claims the show is fixed, her Former lawyer Nancy, 54, is sure to be one of the most straight-talking housemates in this year’s show. Renowned for her acid tongue, she won’t be afraid to rub people up the wrong way, even if she is due to spend three weeks with them. Nancy – who had a high-profile relationship with former England football boss Sven Goran-Eriksson – has previously had unsuccessful stints on Strictly Come Dancing and ill-fated talent show Get Your Act Together. The former lawyer is reportedly heading into the house to deal with thousands of pounds worth of debt which she’s hoping to pay off using her hefty fee. Angie Bowie The former supermodel was a cover girl, musician and actress at the height of her career in the 70s and 80s. Nowadays Angie, 66, leads a quieter lifestyle as a journalist on gender issues, especially after divorcing her husband of a decade, music icon David Bowie in 1980. The couple have 44-year-old film director son Duncan together and she’s sure to have plenty of tales about her rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle to spill in the house. West End star Darren, 47, has had plenty of high-profile relationships during his wild life which producers The former cocaine addict has dated Hear’say singer Suzanne Shaw and actress Anna Friel but got married in 2007 meaning there’s little chance of romance inside. He was one of the first stars to appear on I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here back in 2002 and will make his reality return on CBB. A source told The Sun: “Darren’s telly dynamite and producers think that viewers will love to hate him.” Winston McKenzie CBB is no stranger to politicians with George Galloway and Tommy Sheridan taking part in the past, but former Ukip spokesman Winston is sure to ruffle some feathers. Winston, who is now the English Democrats’ candidate for London mayor, could be the first to be kicked out due to his controversial views. He hit the headlines back in 2012 for an outspoken rant in which he claimed gay parents raising children was a form of “abuse”. Where will the CBB drama come from? Getty They haven’t even gone inside but tensions are already rising with some teasing it could be the most explosive series yet. and John are both renowned for being short-tempered but there are a number of personal feuds which are sure to come into play while inside. But it looks like Danniella could be the centre of many of the feuds, having already slammed Chris Maloney who it was believed she was pals with. A co-star revealed: “There was definitely a personality clash. They couldn’t stand the sight of each other and Steph was glad when Danniella left. “With both of them locked up together for a month there are going to be fireworks.” Who is favourite to win Celebrity Big Brother? Scotty T is the hot favourite to race home to victory with odds of 3/1, while unsurprisingly Tiffany is not expected to win over the public Outright odds suggest Christopher is the second favourite while US stars Jonathan and David Gest both have odds of 6/1 of being crowned the winner. Xposure Which Celebrity Big Brother contestant is getting paid the most? While some of the contestants are global stars, others have garnered little attention even here in the UK, meaning some of the housemates have racked up fees worth hundreds of thousands of pounds. David Gest is believed to be the top paid celebrity with a whopping £600,000 appearance deal, while Jonathan is thought to be taking home £300,000. PA Danniella will be lining her pockets with an estimated £200,000. Further down the list, Stephanie is expected to receive £150,000 while Gemma and Kristina will get £100,000 each. The figures mean it could be one of the most high-paid series’ ever, after Katie Price received £400,000 for her brief stint in last January’s show. But at the bottom of the list is mayoral candidate Winston, who is still expected to make £60,000 from heading inside.	i don't know
In which English county is Wincanton racecourse?	Wincanton Map \| United Kingdom Google Satellite Maps <a href="http://www.maplandia.com/united-kingdom/england/south-west/somerset-county/wincanton/" title="google satellite map of Wincanton">Wincanton google map</a> Wincanton google map image button link <a href="http://www.maplandia.com/united-kingdom/england/south-west/somerset-county/wincanton/" title="google satellite map of Wincanton"><img src="http://www.maplandia.com/images/icon.gif" width="88" height="31" border="0" alt="Wincanton google map"/></a> map search <!-- maplandia.com search-box 1.0 beginning --> <div style="margin:0px;text-align:center;border:1px solid #111;width:135px;padding:8px 4px;background: #FFF;"> <form action="http://www.maplandia.com/search/" target="_top" style="padding:0;margin:0;" method="post"><a href="http://www.maplandia.com/" style="background:none;"><img src="http://www.maplandia.com/images/logo-small.gif" width="125" height="21" alt="google maps gazetteer" border="0"/></a><br/> <input type="text" name="h[2][1]" value="" size="16" style="width:125px;"/><br/><input type="submit" value=" find map " size="16" style="margin-top:4px;width:125px;"/><br/> <input type="hidden" name="action[2]" value="special"/></form></div> <!-- maplandia.com search-box 1.0 end --> IMPORTANT NOTE: The map search box code must be pasted directly into web pages without modification. You are not allowed to alter any portion of the link code or change the layout or targeting for any reason. small Wincanton google map image link <a href="http://www.maplandia.com/united-kingdom/england/south-west/somerset-county/wincanton/" title="google satellite map of Wincanton"><img src="http://maps.google.com/maps/api/staticmap?center=51.0538889,-2.4111111&zoom=12&markers=size:small%7Ccolor:0xF35834%7C51.0538889,-2.4111111&size=260x150&maptype=hybrid" width="260" height="150" border="0" alt="Wincanton google map" style="border:1px solid #000;"/></a> medium Wincanton google map image link <a href="http://www.maplandia.com/united-kingdom/england/south-west/somerset-county/wincanton/" title="google satellite map of Wincanton"><img src="http://maps.google.com/maps/api/staticmap?center=51.0538889,-2.4111111&zoom=12&markers=size:small%7Ccolor:0xF35834%7C51.0538889,-2.4111111&size=300x250&maptype=hybrid" width="300" height="250" border="0" alt="Wincanton google map" style="border:1px solid #000;"/></a> large Wincanton google map image link <a href="http://www.maplandia.com/united-kingdom/england/south-west/somerset-county/wincanton/" title="google satellite map of Wincanton"><img src="http://maps.google.com/maps/api/staticmap?center=51.0538889,-2.4111111&zoom=12&markers=size:small%7Ccolor:0xF35834%7C51.0538889,-2.4111111&size=336x280&maptype=hybrid" width="336" height="280" border="0" alt="Wincanton google map" style="border:1px solid #000;"/></a> latest placemarks	Somerset
Based in Hexam Northumberland, the publishing company Bloodaxe Books specialises in what kind of literature?	Wincanton, Genealogy and History 1852 Slaters 1889 Kelly A market town and parish, in the hundred of Ferris Norton, 34 miles from Taunton, and 108 miles from London, contained in 1831, 2,123 inhabitants, and was assessed to 9,105l. in 1815. It is pleasantly sistuated on the slope of an eminence on the banks of the river Cale, and consists chiefly of four regular and well built streets. The town has been of late lighted with gas, and pipes for the supply of water laid in the principal street. Linene and Bedtick manufactures are carried on here, but not to any great extent. The market day, for corn, butcher's meat, cheese, butter etc: is Wednesday, the fairs are held on Easter Tuesday and September 29th, for cattle etc: Two constables and a tything man are annually chosen by a court-leet. The living is a perpetual curacy, in the patronage of U. and G. Messiter, Esqrs. value 130l. in 1835. The present incumbent is Rev. Henry Collins. The church, dedicated to St. Peter and St. Paul, has a neat square tower and six bells and is capable of accommodating 600 persons. It is at the west end of the town. Many improvements have lately been made in its interior. There are chapels for the Wesleyans, Baptists, and Independents. There are no charities of any note, except a large national school in North Street. This town existed at a very early period, and was frequently the scene of contest between the Britons, Danes, and Saxons. The Britons, having collected a large army, engaged with the West Saxons near this town, but were totally defeated, and in the reign of Edmund Ironside, the English, under his command, defeated the Danes at this place, and obilged them to abandon the island. It is famous for being the point where the Prince of Orange gained his first advantage over King James II. In 1688. It is also noted for having been a depot for French Officers, prisoners on parade, during the last war; there were between three or four hundred here. A great part of the town was destroyed by fire in the year 1747, but since rebuilt in a more elegant manner. The principal seats in the vicinity are, Roundhill House, the residence of George Wyndham, Esq.; and Holbrook House, the mansion of Henry Hall, Esq. There is a beautiful and extensive view southward, over the vale of Blackmoor, uninterupted for upwards of twenty miles. Near the town exist some springs, which upon analysis, are found to approach very nearly to the chemical composition of the Cheltenham waters. They are frequented by the inhabitants for similar disorders, but have not yet been generally known and appreciated by the public. At Stour Head, the seat of Hugh Hoare, Esq. there is an excellent collection of paintings, which attract many amateurs, and are politely shown to all visitors........Robson's 1835 Directory A source of information that is very valuable to those Family History Researchers with connections to Wincanton is George Sweetman's book - The history of Wincanton, Somerset, from earliest times to the year 1903 - This is a very rare book and when available is expensive to buy. The Good News is that this book is now available in a choice of download formats through " The Internet Archive " a non-profit organisation that was founded to build an Internet library to offer permanent access for researchers where many publications covering Somerset can also be found through a search. Please follow this link to obtain a copy of George Sweetman's book.	i don't know
The 2015 film Straight Outta’ Compton was a biopic of which rap/hip hop group?	Love them or hate them, N.W.A. changed rap, hip-hop Love them or hate them, N.W.A. changed rap, hip-hop Success of ‘Straight Outta Compton’ reminds us of game-changing group Post to Facebook Love them or hate them, N.W.A. changed rap, hip-hop Success of ‘Straight Outta Compton’ reminds us of game-changing group Check out this story on sctimes.com: http://www.sctimes.com/story/entertainment/music/2015/08/27/love-hate-nwa-changed-rap-hip-hop/32304527/ CancelSend A link has been sent to your friend's email address. Posted! A link has been posted to your Facebook feed. Join the Conversation Activate your digital access. Love them or hate them, N.W.A. changed rap, hip-hop JEFFREY PEDERSON, SPECIAL TO THE TIMES Published 7:03 a.m. CT Aug. 27, 2015 \| Updated 7:12 a.m. CT Aug. 27, 2015 N.W.A. released “Straight Outta Compton” in 1988. The album changed rap and hip-hop forever. (Photo: Gannett) 10 CONNECT TWEET LINKEDIN COMMENTEMAILMORE In the history of modern music, there have been many bands that have changed the course of mainstream music. To name just a few, though there are many more, I think of the Beatles, Beach Boys, Black Sabbath, and of course the ever game-changing Nirvana. All of these bands opened the door for entire genres to evolve. Whether you like them or not, you can’t deny their influence. A couple of weeks ago, another group came back into the spotlight, and it reminded me of the profound impact they had on the music world. That group was N.W.A. I am writing this after having attended a screening of the new biopic “Straight Outta Compton” that chronicles the creation and eventual demise of N.W.A. Regardless of whether you loved them or hated them, there is no doubt they completely changed the landscape and evolution of rap/hip-hop. I really enjoyed the movie. It was a tough watch at some points, but funny and poignant at others. The film ended up drawing a reported $60.2 million in the U.S. on its opening weekend, and is showing no signs of slowing down. I will not write a film review here, but as I mentioned, N.W.A. represented a 180-degree turn from what was happening in rap during their time. Pretty much the hardest hip-hop to date had been RUN-DMC (whom I love), but they wrote songs about their shoes and were hardly in the mold of this new thing called gangsta gap. I admit (and have admitted in the past) that I am not a huge fan of rap and hip-hop. But when N.W.A. released its debut album, “Straight Outta Compton,” in 1988, I was an impressionable teenager looking for something new to grasp on to. A lot of the punk bands I was into had turned into either skate-core or crossover speed metal, and I needed something new to annoy my parents. Enter N.W. A. ‘What do you see?’ Composed of some of the greatest talents to emerge from the ’80s, N.W.A. was the combination of Ice Cube, Eazy-E, MC Ren and Dr. Dre. Songs about drug dealing, violence against authority, misogyny, guns and pretty much anything else that would put them in the crosshairs of controversy were the norm. Do I agree with everything they said; of course not. However, as was explained in the film, they wrote about what they saw every day; this was their life. One of the best moments in the film was when Ice Cube was being questioned at a press conference by a white reporter about the content of their music, and he replied, “What do you see when you walk out your front door?” Growing up as a middle-class white boy in the Midwest, I have to admit it was a little hard for me to relate to most of what they were laying out there. However, it cannot be denied that Dre put out some great beats, and Ice Cube and Ren really had a talent for rhymes. It is sad that the combo only lasted for one album, but what happened after Ice Cube left is a complete saga of films that could be made. Story continues below. (Photo: Universal Pictures/AP) Ice Cube went on to have a very successful solo career, and he has starred in many motion pictures, some good, some not so good. Dr. Dre has released a ton of solo albums, including the new “Compton” that is pretty amazing in its own right, not to mention his own brand of high-end Beats by Dre headphones. Dre also launched the careers of hip hop giants Snoop Doggy Dogg, Tupac, the Notorious B.I.G. and countless others, though Suge Knight may have a different opinion on that. Unfortunately, much like the Nirvana phenomenon, N.W.A.’s popularity caused a scramble for labels to find the next great gangsta rap stars. New labels also emerged, and most of them have folded or fallen into obscurity over the years. Does anyone remember Master P? Hip-hop becomes watered-down pop Since the demise of N.W.A., the game of hip-hop has changed greatly. Much of what we hear on the radio has become a watered-down version of pop music. Sure there are still giants like Kanye West and Jay Z out there, but I honestly do not care for Kanye, especially since he discovered Paul McCartney. About the only mainstream hip-hop album I have really liked in the past 10 years has been “Life Is Good” by Nas. The good news is that most of the good hip-hop emerging today is on a local level. In Minnesota we have greats like Doomtree, Atmosphere, No Bird Sing, Toki Wright and many others. Even here in St. Cloud we have Pop Vultures making their mark on the hip-hop scene. I have friends in many different cities, and those into hip-hop report the same phenomenon: Most of the great rap or hip-hop you will encounter is on the local level. Story continues below. (Photo: Universal Pictures/AP) How does this relate to N.W.A.? The film reveals they never thought they would be heard outside of their home turf. Turns out they were wrong and became one of the most game-changing artists of all time. Eric “Eazy-E” Wright died of complications related to AIDS in 1995, shortly after N.W.A. was set to get back together. This definitely signaled the end of the group. Who knows what may have emerged from this reunion? What is known is that all of the members of N.W.A. changed, and continue to change, the direction and landscape of hip-hop, and all hip-hop and rap artists definitely need to tip their cap to the door that N.W.A. opened for their genre. This is the opinion of columnist Jeffrey Pederson, who writes about music for Up Next. Local bands that want to get in touch with Jeffrey can do so via [email protected] . 10 CONNECT TWEET LINKEDIN COMMENTEMAILMORE Read or Share this story: http://www.sctimes.com/story/entertainment/music/2015/08/27/love-hate-nwa-changed-rap-hip-hop/32304527/	N.W.A
What was the name of the fictional country in the Marx Brothers film 'Duck Soup'?	Review: 'Straight Outta Compton' : NPR MC Ren (Aldis Hodge), DJ Yella (Neil Brown, Jr.), Eazy-E (Jason Mitchell), Ice Cube (O'Shea Jackson Jr.) and Dr. Dre (Corey Hawkins) form the NWA hip hop group in Straight Outta Compton. Jaimie Trueblood/Courtesy of Universal Pictures hide caption toggle caption Jaimie Trueblood/Courtesy of Universal Pictures MC Ren (Aldis Hodge), DJ Yella (Neil Brown, Jr.), Eazy-E (Jason Mitchell), Ice Cube (O'Shea Jackson Jr.) and Dr. Dre (Corey Hawkins) form the NWA hip hop group in Straight Outta Compton. Jaimie Trueblood/Courtesy of Universal Pictures "I can make you legit." That's the promise Jerry Heller, a veteran rock manager, makes to Eric "Eazy-E" Wright in an early scene in Straight Outta Compton, a mostly exhilarating biopic about L.A. hip-hop legends N.W.A. The phrase missing from the end of that first sentence is "...with the white people who hold all the power in the music industry." It doesn't need to be said. Even with talents as electric as Andre Young and O'Shea Jackson—future icons we'd come to know as Dr. Dre and Ice Cube, respectively—N.W.A. cannot cross over to the mainstream without getting past white gatekeepers. And if that means signing on with a backroom operator like Heller, the trade-off seems reasonable to five young men looking for a way out of the ghetto. They can renegotiate later. Named after N.W.A.'s breakthrough album, the sprawling Straight Outta Compton is about many things: A watershed moment in music history, past and present racial tensions connecting Rodney King's L.A. to Michael Brown's Ferguson, the power of "reality rap" to tell uncomfortable truths and incite controversy. But above all, the film celebrates the All-American values of hard work and entrepreneurship. It pays tribute to black artists who made themselves legit, years after millions of album sales and sold-out arena shows failed to bring them real control of their careers. How do we know they're legit now? Dr. Dre and Ice Cube produced this major-studio movie as a monument to their achievements. Article continues after sponsorship There's no getting around the self-mythologizing aspect of a biopic produced by its subjects and the way it papers over less heroic facts about these men, like Dre's assault on journalist Dee Barnes . It would not be that cynical to call Straight Outta Compton an act of brand extension or a gauche attempt by hip-hop royalty to shape their cultural legacy. Director F. Gary Gray, whose ties to Ice Cube go back to their 1995 comedy hit Friday, starts with Eazy (Jason Mitchell) running drugs in Compton before taking his experience and business acumen into a more legitimate field. Looking for money to realize their musical ambitions, Dre (Corey Hawkins), a virtuosic club DJ, and Ice Cube (O'Shea Jackson, Jr., Cube's real-life son), a ferocious lyricist and rapper, turn to Eazy for funding and get more than they bargained for. Along with two other members, MC Ren (Aldis Hodge) and DJ Yella (Neil Brown, Jr.), they find some success in launching the Ruthless Records label, but it isn't until Eazy strikes a deal with Heller that N.W.A. can get the distribution and promotion necessary to propel them to crossover superstardom. The recording of the Straight Outta Compton album and the cross-country bacchanal that followed is by far the strongest section of the film. Gray and his exuberant young cast seize on the joys of creative collaboration and the purity of art as an end in itself, before larger cultural forces take hold and yank them in unwelcome directions. The tour crackles with thrilling volatility, with the highs of live shows and hotel-room orgies checked by the lows of media scolds and First Amendment conflicts over the rage-filled anthem "F*** The Police." Even when they're tossed into a paddy wagon in Detroit for allegedly instigating a riot, they're able to see it all as a grand cross-country adventure. Once the group splinters off into rival factions, due mainly to Eazy and Heller's partnership freezing the others out, Straight Outta Compton sags a little from a formlessness which plagues most artist biopics. In two-and-a-half hours, the film dutifully ticks off the musicians' greatest moments: The founding of Death Row Records with the pathological Suge Knight (played by cigar-chomping fury by R. Marcos Taylor), the solo successes of Cube's AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted and Dre's The Chronic, the "eureka" moment of Dre and Snoop Dogg stumbling on the keyboard riff for "Nuthin' But a 'G' Thang." As in life, getting back to N.W.A. proves difficult for the movie to do. But if any film should be forgiven its excesses, it's Straight Outta Compton, which is about the clashes and camaraderie among men whose unruliness sparked a cultural moment that was beyond their ability—and their willingness—to contain. Their story is too big for a single movie, but Gray's high-gloss abridgment latches on powerfully to their hard-won independence and self-actualization, suggesting that true freedom is more difficult to achieve than success. For the members of N.W.A., escaping the slums is easier than getting out of a contract.	i don't know
What term is often used to describe a 6-0 scoreline in a set of a Tennis match?	britishtennis.com - The British Tennis Website Association of Tennis Professionals. The ATP are the governing body of the men's professional tennis circuit. Backhand To hit the ball across your body. across the left of your body if you are right handed, and across the right of your body if left handed. Backspin To hit the bottom of the ball making it spin backwards while moving forwards. See also Dropshot and Slice. Baseline The lines at either end of the tennis court, where you serve from. Baseline Tennis Lleyton Hewitt is the perfect example, as he is a Baseliner. It simply means that players remain on the baseline during a rally. This method of trying to win points can be tiring, but a good Baseliner will either wear down an opponent or set them up for passing shot. Best Of Three (or Five) This is the number of Sets to be played in a match. Men usually play Best Of Five where they need to win 3 Sets to win the game. Women usually play Best Of Three where they need to win 2 Sets to wint the game. Blue Collar Tennis You're under pressure in a match and need to work extra hard to win those points! Break Point The point in a game where the server risks losing his serve. For example, the score could be 30-40, 15-40, 40-Advantage, etc. Break Of Serve When the server loses the Break Point, and therefore loses the game, this is termed a Break Of Service. Bye Before the start of a tournament seeded players can be given a Bye, which means they are automatically awarded a place in the second round of the tournament. Center Mark This is the small line you find across the middle of the Baseline. You must be the correct side of this line while serving. Champions Tie Break Follows the same format as a regular Tie-Break, except the winner is the first to 10 points with 2 points clear. An example of where this is used is The Masters Tennis tournament, the most popular indoor tennis tournament in the UK. Change Of Ends Players are required to change ends after every uneven numbered game. Clay Court Not often found in the UK! These courts are made of crushed shale, brick, or stone. We do have some Green Clay courts in the UK (same type as in the USA) and they are quite fast, compared to the slower Red Clay courts found mostly in Europe. Continental Grip A way of holding your tennis racket in order to help you hit powerful serves, volleys, backhands, and smashes. Cross Shot A shot that you hit diagonally across the tennis court, from either the baseline or near the net. If near the net you will usually be required to put a lot more Topspin on the ball in order to bring the ball down quickly enough. Deuce If both you and your opponent have 40 points each this is called Deuce. Donut If you score zero (0) games in a set this may be referred to as a Donut. Double Bagel If you score zero (0) games in two sets this may be referred to as a Double Bagel. Double Fault If the server fails to serve correctly on both 1st and 2nd serves this is called a Double Fault. The server then loses this point. Drive A powerful shot using a bit of Topspin. Common as a passing shot down the line to leave your opponent scrambling for the ball. Drop Shot You need to use a lot of Backspin to perform this shot. It is a more severe version of a Slice, in that the idea is to get the ball just over the net and stop almost immediately just after the net without much bounce. Eastern Grip A Forehand grip which which enables the ball to be hit ahead of the body with good follow-through with the racket. Exhibition Match A match where no points are awarded to players towards their ATP or WTA rankings. This is for pure entertainment, apart from the fact that players are often paid large sums of appearance money! Flat Serve A serve hit very flat and low over the net without any spin. Generally used as a 1st serve as there is greater risk of hitting the net. Follow-through Used when performing a ground stroke. Rather than hitting the ball and stopping your racket head quickly, you Follow-through with the racket so it almost ends up over your shoulder. The Follow-through is very influential in the length, speed, and direction of the ground stroke. Foot Fault Where the server puts his foot onto or over the Baseline before hitting the ball. If performed on a 1st serve, you will only have your 2nd serve remaining. If performed on your 2nd serve you lose the point. Forecourt This is the part of the court between the net and the service line. Usually where you would attempt to volley the ball back over rather than letting it bounce first. Forehand To hit the ball from the side where you naturally hold your racket. Game Each Set is comprised of at least 6 Games. Game Point A point that either server or receiver needs to win a game. Golden Set A set of tennis which is won 6-0 without dropping a single point. Only one player in the history of professional tennis has ever achieved this, Bill Scanlon (USA). It was against Marcos Hocevar (Brazil) in the first round of the WCT Gold Coast Classic at Del Ray (Florida, USA) on 22 February 1983. Bill Scanlon won the match 6-2, 6-0. Grand Slam To win all 4 of major tennis tournaments (Australian Open, French Open, Wimbledon, and US Open) in one season you are said to have won the Grand Slam. Therefore, the 4 major tournaments are also known as Grand Slam events. Ground Strokes Any type of shot (Forehand and Backhand) across the net where the ball bounces. Half Court The half of the court nearest to the service line. Half-volley To hit the tennis ball immediately after it has off the ground, so you're hitting the ball on it's upward bounce. Hard Court A tennis court which has a surface made from asphalt, concrete, etc. Hot Dog Used to describe a showoff on the tennis court i.e. a player smashing the ball at every opportunity or playing trick shots. A perfect example would be trick shot legend Mansour Bahrami. Inside-Out An Inside-Out Forehand is to run around the ball to take it on your forehand, even though it has been hit to you in a natural backhand position. An Inside-Out Backhand is the exact opposite. Kick Serve A serve with plenty of spin enabling it to change direction once hitting the ground. This can result in the receiver misreading the bounce of the ball and playing a sub-standard return shot. Let Called to announce that a point is to be replayed. A common example is when a serve clips the top of the net but still lands correctly in the court. Lob To hit the ball over your opponents head using a lot of Topspin. Best played when your opponent is at the net. Love When one of the tennis players has a score of zero (0). Match Point A point that either server or receiver needs to win a match. Mini-break If the server loses one of his two service points during a Tie-break, this is called a Mini-break. Net Same as a Let call (see above). Overhead Smash A shot played above the head, hitting the ball downwards, hard and fast into your opponents side of the court Overrule Where the Umpire decides his opinion of a line-call (etc.) is better than that of a line judge. Passing Shot A shot played down the line while your opponent is close to the net, but is unable to return. Qualifying Competition Seeded players are always pre-qualified for tournaments, but lesser players must perform well in Qualifying Competitions in order to earn their place in many tournaments. Rubber A term used in the Davis Cup, which essentially means a "heat" or a "leg". The Davis Cup consists of one Doubles Rubber and four Singles Rubbers. As an example, if you win the first Singles match, you have won a Rubber or a Singles Rubber. Serena Slam A term created after Serena Williams consecutively won all 4 Grand Slam events, but not in the same season. In 2002 Serena won the French Open, Wimbledon, and US Open, followed by the Australian Open in 2003. Show Court (Showcourt) A tennis court which is the one of the most prized of all to play on or to spectate on. For example, at Wimbledon the show courts are Centre Court, No.1 Court, and No.2 Court. Slice You use Backspin to perform this type of shot. Often used as a defensive shot to return fast served ball deep into your opponents court and slow the game down. Similar in execution to the Drop Shot. Tie break This method is used to determine the winner of a Set once the score in Games is 6-6. See Rules Of Tennis (Brief) for full details. Or see above for details of the Champions Tie Break variant. Topspin To hit the top of the ball making it spin forwards while moving forwards, and forcing the ball to curve down over the net. Umpire The person who controls the game, the players, the score, and his line judges! Unforced Error Where a player is not under any pressure from an opponent yet plays a shot which does not land in the court. Volley To hit the ball before it bounces. Western A way of holding your tennis racket in order to help you hit Topspin Forehand shots. Wildcard Given to select players who have not qualified for a tournament so they can participate. Preference usually given to young talent in the host country and also big name players who have slipped down the rankings. Wing Term often used meaning Backhand side and/or Forehand side. For example, a player may be comfortable to volley from either Wing. WTA	Bagel
Hastings Banda was the first President of which African country?	Tennis Terms Explained My Blog Tennis Terms Explained There are a lot of different tennis terms used by tennis players and fans. If you want to be a tennis player then you should be familiar with almost all of these terms! Tennis Terms A serve that lands inside the lines and is untouched by the opponent Advantage The point that follows a deuce score. If the player wins this point he wins the game, otherwise it goes back to deuce! Ad-Court The left side of the tennis court. It is called Ad-Court because the ad points are always played from this side. Approach Shot A shot that the player follows to the net is called an approach shot ATP The Association of Tennis Professionals (ATP) is the governing body of men’s Tennis! Backspin On a shot with backspin the ball rotates backwards. These shots usually stay pretty low Break When you win a game during which your opponent was serving that is called a break in Tennis! Break Point The receiver is said to have a break point whenever he is in a situation where a point won results in him winning the game off of the server. Cross-Court A shot that is hit diagonally into the opponent?s court Deep A shot that lands very close to the baseline rather than short around the service line Deuce An expression that is used when the actual score is 40-40 Deuce-Court The right side of the tennis court. It is called Deuce-Court because all deuce points are played from this side Double Bagel A match that ends with the score 6-0 6-0 is often called a double bagel in tennis circles. One of the funniest tennis terms in my opinion Double Fault The server has two serves to start the point. Whenever he misses both he looses one point in the game and this situation is called a double fault. Doubles When you have four players on the court and two are playing against two this is called a doubles match. Down the Line A shot that is hit straight along the sideline into the opponent?s court Error Any shot in Tennis that does not land within the lines that it is supposed to land within is called an error Foot Fault The server is not allowed to move over or even touch the baseline during his service motion. If he does so it is a so-called foot-fault and his serve is considered a fault. Forced Error When Player 1 hits a really good shot that forces Player 2 to miss that is called a forced error Groundstroke Whenever the ball bounces on your side before you hit it that is called a Groundstroke. Forehands, Backhands, and Slice Backhands are all groundstrokes. Want To Improve Your Game ? Sign Up And Get Free Video Tips! When you win your service game it is called a hold. Inside-Out Forehand Tennis commentators often mention the so-called inside-out forehand. This is a situation where a player hits a forehand, usually from the backhand side of the court, towards the backhand side of his opponent. The ball takes an inside-out swing pattern and therefore the shot is called an inside-out forehand Kick Serve A serve hit with lots of topspin. The ball usually jumps high on this kind of shot! Let The umpire calls a let whenever a serve touches the net and still lands in the service box. The serve is then replayed Match Point When you have match point you only need to win one more point to win and end the entire match. Mini-Break If you win a point on your opponents serve during a tiebreak that is called a mini-break Moonball A shot hit very high over the net. These are usually defensive shots and many tennis player dislike playing against players that hit moonballs. Just hearing the tennis term “Moonball” can cause some tennis players to get into a bad mood. Overhead When you are at the net and your opponent tries to lob you with a high shot you will hit an overhead. Singles Whenever two players play a match against each other in tennis it is called a singles match Smash Same thing as an overhead. Tiebreak A tiebreak is played when the score in a set reaches 6:6. The tiebreak is played up to 7 points and the idea is to bring the set to an end because without a tiebreak it could take forever Underspin This is another expression for backspin. The ball rotates backwards and stays low on these shots Unforced Error When Player 1 misses an easy shot that is called an unforced error Volley Whenever your hit the ball before it bounces on your side it is called a volley Wild Card To get into many tournaments you need to have a certain rankings position. If you do not have that position the tournament officials can award you a wild card. With a wild card young players can often enter pro tournaments that they usually could not enter according to the ranking system So that’s it for the tennis terms explanations. If you think a tennis term is missing then feel free to send me an email and I will include it!	i don't know
"If it's a ""Yowie"" in Australia and a ""Sasquatch"" in Canada, what is it in the USA?"	Yowie: Australia's Bigfoot 'Caught On Camera' (VIDEO) \| The Huffington Post Yowie: Australia's Bigfoot 'Caught On Camera' (VIDEO) 08/04/2014 10:55 \| Updated 08 April 2014 Sara C Nelson Senior Editor, The Huffington Post UK Grainy, blurred footage of Australia’s supposed version of Bigfoot has been published online. Something – which Jason Heal and Jason Dunn claim is the mythical Yowie – was filmed rustling through the undergrowth in South Queensland on March 29. The pair – who describe themselves as “Yowie Searchers” says this is definitive proof of the beast – which according to lore lives in the Australian wilderness. This is conclusive proof of the Yowie, claim Jason Heal and Jason Dunn Text added to the footage reads: “A Yowie is caught on Leechman’s tree cam. What you are about to see is REAL. Watch this Yowie sway side-to-side as it checks out the apples in front of it. “Take notice of its eyes shining brightly taking no attention of the tree cam.” Heal and Dunn have been searching for the hominid, whose roots are in Aboriginal mythology since July 2012 and hope to travel to the US to track down the equally elusive Sasquatch .	Bigfoot
"Who played OJ Simpson in the 2016 TV series ""The People v OJ Simpson""?"	Yowies - Australia's Bigfoot - Page 2 - International Skeptics Forum Posts: 1,159 Originally Posted by The Fool we need to put a lot more resources into capturing this beast. The wallabies are looking for a couple of good loose forwards. For years I thought the John Williams song "Number on my Back" was about actual wallabies. Having no interest in or knowledge of sweaty men touching each other (sports) it took a chick from Perth I was trying to impress to point it out to me. The fauna of Australia is interesting enough without imaginary hairy giants running around. __________________ You start wearing the blue and brown and You're working for the clampdown -The Clash Now for the clear winner of aussie yowie stories. Date: Mid to Late 1970's Location: Unknown (of course it is) Terrain: Bushland This report has been passed word of mouth by several people, and may not be completely accurate in all aspects. The guide involved in the story told it to my father, and then he told me, when he felt I was old enough to understand. There was a Canadian tour party, who had read articles about the Yowie, and came to Australia, fully equipped to bag/shoot one. There were four people in the party, and they shopped around for a guide, asking about Yowie sightings. Eventually they found a guide, who agreed to take them to an area known for Yowie activity. They took five horses in a truck and float, and drove as far as they could by vehicle, then saddled up the horses, and carried on horseback further into the bush. They stopped at an area of previous sightings, and decided it would be a good area to set up camp. There were snapped off saplings in the bush around the area. One of the horses was spooked by something, and reared up. It must have lost it's footing and it rolled over on top of the rider, and broke his leg. They were all feeling uncomfortable. They set up the tent, and placed the injured man inside a sleeping bag to keep him warm, and to avoid too much shock setting in. They built a fire, and had plenty of firewood to keep the fire burning. The guide said he would go out to get help for the wounded man. The other tourists, still feeling uneasy, decided to go with the guide, as they were not comfortable staying there. They left the injured man, with food, and a 306 rifle with 5 rounds of ammunition. It was close to sundown when the party left the sight. The next day, they came back by rescue helicopter, to lift the injured man off to hospital. When they landed, they met a gruesome scene. The man was dead, his arm had been ripped off, and his head was beaten in. There was blood all around the tent. The rifle was smashed and the butt broken. There were five spent cartridges. The fire was kicked everywhere. At the edge of the clearing there was also evidence of blood. The helicopter pilot radioed for the police, and the State Police arrived shortly after, also by helicopter. The area where the incident occurred, was actually under Federal jurisdiction, so the State Police could do nothing, they just secured the site until the Federal Police arrived. They took samples of the blood at the edge of the clearing. The body was placed in a body bag, and the rest of the party, were taken into custody. All their belongings were confiscated. They were escorted to the airport, where they were told, that they would never be able to come back to Australia. They were told that there had been a shooting accident, and that they should not discuss any of the details with anyone. The body was enclosed in a lead-lined coffin, and sent back to Canada on the same plane LMAO! can you even begin to imagine abandoning a wounded friend in the bush? if it were me, i would have shot those cowards! wouldn't you? "The man was dead, his arm had been ripped off, and his head was beaten in" used his arm to beat his head in? "The fire was kicked everywhere" wow, a firefighting yowie! "The body was enclosed in a lead-lined coffin, and sent back to Canada on the same plane" Sure, commercial jets always carry LEAD-LINED COFFINS! Posts: 16,960 Originally Posted by Night Walker There are few reliable sources of information regarding the yowie. Rex Gilroy has published several books but... well, you know about Rex. Healy and Cropper's (2006) "The Yowie: In Search of Australia's Bigfoot" is generally well regarded - they, too, criticise Gilroy's approach yet most of the sightings in their book come from YowieHunters. Take a look at the "Dean Vs Yowie" and "Dean Yowie Confrontation" threads on their forum and let me know what you think... I'm reading through a thread called ï¿½Hatred of Scepticsï¿½ discussing the ban of a sceptic in the ï¿½Deanï¿½sï¿½ thread. Interesting, someone even thinks that poster was Randi himself. http://www.manningrivertimes.com.au/...e/1589771.aspx This sighting was on 7 August 2009. If I was a cynic, I would note that on the same day, there was an announcement from the same source, that Rex Gilroy was visitng the area in the next few weeks If I was a cynic I would then google "Faye Gilroy" + Yowie, and note that she sells Yowie sketches over the internet,m and has had at least one there which dates back to 2008 (whether or not she sketched it prior to August 2009 is not known). Since you appear to know Faye (are tou "Greg"?), could you asceretain whether or not she started skething Yowies before or after her close encounter? Posts: 29,668 Originally Posted by Cainkane1 People from the old world brought their beliefs and superstitions with them. Hence bigfoot, hence yowie. The American Indian version of so called Sasquatch is much different than the european ancestried Americans. Its my guess that if you sat down and discussed the Yowie with an aborigine and then a european youd get two very different versions of of the same mythical creature. I agree with you in general about folks bringing their favourite superstitions with them from the Old Country, but the Yowie is something else again, and seems to be more typical of home-grown Aussie BS than anything. You can't discuss Yowie legends with Native Australians any better than you can with Professors Norm and Alfie, because it's not a native legend at all. They'll make as much of a joke about it as we're doing in this thread. Another consideration is that modern Australia was founded and populated by Britain, and England, particularly the Home Counties, isn't exactly rife with Yowie traditions. Originally Posted by Cainkane1 I read somewhere that Bigfoot stared out as a legend of the Indians who told their children of a cannabilistic tribe of hugh Indians who lived near Mt. St. Helens in an effort to keep them away from the mountian. I'd go along with a story like that for Yowies, only it was started by the white settlers and not by the original inhabitants. __________________ Originally Posted by Night Walker I understand completely. Personally, I am interested in the topic yet it is evident that many, if not most, yowie reports are bogus. Frankly, there is far more in need of debunking than needs researching and some "researchers" are the main culprits. If interested, take a look at the footprint cast presented as evidence in support of the "yowie attack" in those threads I mentioned - the impression of the toes matches that of the person who conveniently found them. It seems in order to understand the yowie phenomenon one needs to understand those who supposedly search for them - they are quite an assortment of characters. I hope I'm starting to see where you're coming from with this. You seem to have an interest in researching the 'researchers', and that's quite a legitimate thing to do. I'm sure it's pretty much what William, Kitz and the others do in the BF threads. They're an odd bunch alright, and you're going to have to try and forgive us BS professors for pointing at them and laughing. Originally Posted by Night Walker If anyone here is genuinely interested in the topic of yowies without dismissing all sightings out of hand then I would appreciate some unbiased input on the recent Mt. George sighting (google it for further information). This seems to be the best yowie sighting (ie possibly authentic, not an obvious hoax) reported via the media in 2009. I'll look into that story further, but since I'm an unaccredited sceptic, I can get away with already having an answer. Sorry. Originally Posted by Night Walker Q. Which would be more reliable - yowie sightings reported via the media or via "yowie researchers"? I don't see any difference. The stories themselves have no credibility, so the sources are irrelevant. Originally Posted by Night Walker If you saw something out of the ordinary in the bush what would you do? Fight or flee. I usually decide these things on the spot. Nicole Kidman swimming naked in a billabong would be out of the ordinary, as would a T. rex, but I think different approaches would be called for. __________________ Posts: 29,668 Originally Posted by A.A.Alfie When I do see something unusual in the bush. I do what I've always done: Speak to the locals, check out literature (e.g. what bird is that), the internet etc on the local fauna. In the end I find out what the most logical explanation is, not the most illogical. Oh. A sensible, professorial answer! Yeah, I'd much do the same. I'm insatiably curious, and love learning about little-known local stuff. I took NW's question to refer to something big and horrible leaping out from behind a tree at you, which doesn't usually call for a full appreciation before taking the appropriate havingsex big steps in the direction of off. __________________	i don't know
In which county are the towns of Okehampton, Sidmouth and South Molton?	Okehampton Cottages - See our full range of Okehamton Holiday Cottages Mid Devon \| Devon Cottages Okehampton cottages Okehampton Okehampton cottages A beautiful part of mid Devon, should you choose to stay in one of the fine Okehampton cottages, you’ll find yourself surrounded by awe-inspiring scenery and pretty villages. A medieval town, Okehampton is a great base from which to explore the surrounding areas; to the north of the county enjoy the rugged beauty of its dramatic coastline and wild moorlands or take in the traditional appeal of the South’s appealing bucket and spade beaches. Select to filter your results Large (3) Pub within 1 mile (12) Shop within 1 mile (12) Fishing onsite/nearby (8) Winkleigh, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 6 Okehampton, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 6 Okehampton, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 4 Okehampton, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 6 Okehampton, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 2 Okehampton, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 13 Okehampton, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 4 Winkleigh, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 13 Winkleigh, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 4 Okehampton, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 4 Okehampton, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 4 Okehampton, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 2 1 2 Why Visit Okehampton? Not only does the ancient Saxon town have an exciting past to discover and winding streets to explore but it is bursting with cute cafes, family-run pubs and quirky shops. But if you’re looking to escape the crowds and take to more remote areas, as the gateway to the moor, Okehampton is the perfect base. Dartmoor National Park is just on your door step, with countless activities for fun filled or relaxing days out there is always something or somewhere to explore. What to do and see in Okehampton? On the outskirts of the town you will find the remains of what was once the largest castle in Devon. Dating back to the Norman times, Okehampton Castle is surrounded by woodland walks, and riverside picnic spots. You could stock up on goodies for a picnic at the farmers market which takes place in St James Chapel Square on the 1st and 3rd Saturday of the month. Boasting locally made cheeses, breads, preserves cakes and locally reared meats to handmade gifts and crafts the market is one not to miss during a stay in Okehampton. If you are feeling a little more active take to the Granite Way, an 11 mile cycle and walkway between Okehampton and Lydford which more or less follows the former Southern Region Railway. If it’s a little bit of history you’re looking for then the museum of Dartmoor Life aims to celebrate the cultural heritage of Okehampton and Dartmoor through exciting displays and events situated inside a 19th Century former Warehouse and Mill. Why stay in one of our Okehampton Cottages? Whatever kind of stay you are looking for, we have a range of stunning cottages in the Okehampton area all in easy reach of some of Devon’s most outstanding spots. Basing yourself in and around Okehampton means that you get to experience the different sides of the county, whilst staying in picturesque surroundings in comfortable cottages, with everything that you would need for your stay. We also have a great range of Devon Cottages covering the whole county. Stay In the know	Devon
"Who wrote the ""Sharpe"" novels?"	Okehampton Cottages - See our full range of Okehamton Holiday Cottages Mid Devon \| Devon Cottages Okehampton cottages Okehampton Okehampton cottages A beautiful part of mid Devon, should you choose to stay in one of the fine Okehampton cottages, you’ll find yourself surrounded by awe-inspiring scenery and pretty villages. A medieval town, Okehampton is a great base from which to explore the surrounding areas; to the north of the county enjoy the rugged beauty of its dramatic coastline and wild moorlands or take in the traditional appeal of the South’s appealing bucket and spade beaches. Select to filter your results Large (3) Pub within 1 mile (12) Shop within 1 mile (12) Fishing onsite/nearby (8) Winkleigh, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 6 Okehampton, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 6 Okehampton, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 4 Okehampton, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 6 Okehampton, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 2 Okehampton, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 13 Okehampton, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 4 Winkleigh, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 13 Winkleigh, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 4 Okehampton, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 4 Okehampton, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 4 Okehampton, Mid and West Devon Sleeps 2 1 2 Why Visit Okehampton? Not only does the ancient Saxon town have an exciting past to discover and winding streets to explore but it is bursting with cute cafes, family-run pubs and quirky shops. But if you’re looking to escape the crowds and take to more remote areas, as the gateway to the moor, Okehampton is the perfect base. Dartmoor National Park is just on your door step, with countless activities for fun filled or relaxing days out there is always something or somewhere to explore. What to do and see in Okehampton? On the outskirts of the town you will find the remains of what was once the largest castle in Devon. Dating back to the Norman times, Okehampton Castle is surrounded by woodland walks, and riverside picnic spots. You could stock up on goodies for a picnic at the farmers market which takes place in St James Chapel Square on the 1st and 3rd Saturday of the month. Boasting locally made cheeses, breads, preserves cakes and locally reared meats to handmade gifts and crafts the market is one not to miss during a stay in Okehampton. If you are feeling a little more active take to the Granite Way, an 11 mile cycle and walkway between Okehampton and Lydford which more or less follows the former Southern Region Railway. If it’s a little bit of history you’re looking for then the museum of Dartmoor Life aims to celebrate the cultural heritage of Okehampton and Dartmoor through exciting displays and events situated inside a 19th Century former Warehouse and Mill. Why stay in one of our Okehampton Cottages? Whatever kind of stay you are looking for, we have a range of stunning cottages in the Okehampton area all in easy reach of some of Devon’s most outstanding spots. Basing yourself in and around Okehampton means that you get to experience the different sides of the county, whilst staying in picturesque surroundings in comfortable cottages, with everything that you would need for your stay. We also have a great range of Devon Cottages covering the whole county. Stay In the know	i don't know
In which Bond film does Charles Grey play the villain Blofeld?	James Bond 24: What is Spectre and who is Blofeld? - Telegraph James Bond James Bond 24: What is Spectre and who is Blofeld? Bond 24's title has been revealed as Spectre, but what's the story behind the name? And will its leader, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, appear in the new film? Follow So the wait is over: it’s been announced that the 24th James Bond film will be called Spectre. Which means a return to the screen for the fictional terrorist organisation that featured in both the James Bond novels by Ian Fleming, and the films adapted from them. What does Spectre stand for? Spectre is an acronym for SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion. The organisation made its first appearance in Fleming's 1961 novel Thunderball, and on screen in the first Bond film, Dr No (1962). Who are the members of Spectre? A heady mix of nasties, beginning with suave, metal-handed scientist Dr Julius No (Joseph Wiseman), followed by the eyepatch-wearing Emilio Largo (Adolfo Celi) in Thunderball. Rosa Klebb (Lotte Lenya), famous for her bladed shoes in From Russia With Love, was Number 3 in the organisation (having defected from Smersh), and the sinister Mr Wint (Bruce Glover) and Mr Kidd (Putter Smith), who tried to cremate Bond in Diamonds Are Forever, were also henchmen of the gang. But most famous of all is Spectre's Number 1: Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Related Articles 12 Feb 2015 Who is Blofeld? The ultimate super-villain, his heart set on world domination, Blofeld appeared in three Bond novels (Thunderball, On Her Majesty's Secret Service and You Only Live Twice) and seven Bond films (From Russia with Love, Thunderball, You Only Live Twice, On Her Majesty's Secret Service, Diamonds Are Forever, For Your Eyes Only and Never Say Never Again). With his Nehru-collared suit and white Turkish angora cat, he is one of the most recognisable of the Bond characters, and has been parodied in everything from Danger Mouse to Austin Powers, where he was the main inspiration for Mike Myers's Dr Evil. His name was inspired by a boy Ian Fleming was at Eton with, Thomas Blofeld – father of the cricket commentator Henry "Blowers" Blofeld. What does Blofeld look like? Blofeld is a man of many guises. In From Russia With Love and Thunderball his face was never seen. In those films his body (only glimpsed below the neck) was that of Anthony Dawson (who also appeared in Dial M For Murder, and later popped up in 1967 Italian Bond spoof OK Connery) and his voice was supplied by the Viennese actor Eric Pohlmann. In the Bond books, Fleming had Blofeld undergo plastic surgery to maintain his anonymity. This helps to make sense of the fact that Blofeld has been played by a series of different actors: Donald Pleasence (You Only Live Twice; bald, with a scar across his eye); Telly Savalas (On Her Majesty’s Secret Service; bald, no earlobes); Charles Gray (Diamonds Are Forever; grey-haired, earlobes restored); John Hollis (For Your Eyes Only; wheelchair-bound and never referred to by name because of copyright disputes over Thunderball); and Max von Sydow (grey-haired, bearded) in 1983’s Never Say Never Again. Will Blofeld make an appearance in the new film? Ostensibly, the answer is no; the role was not mentioned at the Bond 24 press conference. But remember that Blofeld is a master of disguise, and consider the character to be played by Christoph Waltz. The two-time Oscar-winner will play Franz Oberhauser, son of Hannes Oberhauser, the Austrian climbing and skiing instructor who taught Bond when 007 was a boy. Rumour has it that Franz will turn into Blofeld – and thus Waltz will become the fifth (credited) actor to play the villain. Spectre is released on October 23 2015 in the UK and November 6 2015 in the US Spectre unveiling: new James Bond film cast revealed Start your free 30 day Amazon Prime trial»	Diamonds Are Forever
What did British mathematician Andrew Wiles prove in 1993?	Diamonds Are Forever (1971) - IMDb IMDb There was an error trying to load your rating for this title. Some parts of this page won't work property. Please reload or try later. X Beta I'm Watching This! Keep track of everything you watch; tell your friends. Error A diamond smuggling investigation leads James Bond to Las Vegas, where he uncovers an evil plot involving a rich business tycoon. Director: From $10.99 (SD) on Amazon Video ON DISC a list of 22 titles created 09 Jul 2011 a list of 22 titles created 11 May 2012 a list of 28 titles created 26 Jun 2013 a list of 24 titles created 2 months ago a list of 24 titles created 1 month ago Title: Diamonds Are Forever (1971) 6.7/10 Want to share IMDb's rating on your own site? Use the HTML below. You must be a registered user to use the IMDb rating plugin. Nominated for 1 Oscar. Another 1 win & 3 nominations. See more awards » Videos Agent 007 and the Japanese secret service ninja force must find and stop the true culprit of a series of spacejackings before nuclear war is provoked. Director: Lewis Gilbert 007 is sent to stop a diabolically brilliant heroin magnate armed with a complex organization and a reliable psychic tarot card reader. Director: Guy Hamilton James Bond heads to The Bahamas to recover two nuclear warheads stolen by SPECTRE agent Emilio Largo in an international extortion scheme. Director: Terence Young James Bond is led to believe that he is targeted by the world's most expensive assassin while he attempts to recover sensitive solar cell technology that is being sold to the highest bidder. Director: Guy Hamilton James Bond woos a mob boss's daughter and goes undercover to uncover the true reason for Blofeld's allergy research in the Swiss Alps that involves beautiful women from around the world. Director: Peter R. Hunt James Bond investigates the hijacking of British and Russian submarines carrying nuclear warheads with the help of a KGB agent whose lover he killed. Director: Lewis Gilbert Agent 007 is assigned to hunt for a lost British encryption device and prevent it from falling into enemy hands. Director: John Glen James Bond willingly falls into an assassination ploy involving a naive Russian beauty in order to retrieve a Soviet encryption device that was stolen by SPECTRE. Director: Terence Young A fake Fabergé egg and a fellow agent's death lead James Bond to uncover an international jewel-smuggling operation, headed by the mysterious Octopussy, being used to disguise a nuclear attack on N.A.T.O. forces. Director: John Glen James Bond investigates the mid-air theft of a space shuttle and discovers a plot to commit global genocide. Director: Lewis Gilbert Investigating a gold magnate's smuggling, James Bond uncovers a plot to contaminate the Fort Knox gold reserve. Director: Guy Hamilton A resourceful British government agent seeks answers in a case involving the disappearance of a colleague and the disruption of the American space program. Director: Terence Young Edit Storyline James Bond's mission is to find out who has been smuggling diamonds, which are not re-appearing. He adopts another identity in the form of Peter Franks. He joins up with Tiffany Case, and acts as if he is smuggling the diamonds, but everyone is hungry for these diamonds. He also has to avoid Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd, the dangerous couple who do not leave anyone in their way. Ernst Stavro Blofeld isn't out of the question. He may have changed his looks, but is he linked with the heist? And if he is, can Bond finally defeat his ultimate enemy. Written by simon BOND IS BACK - Sean Connery is BOND [British advance quad poster] See more » Genres: 17 December 1971 (USA) See more » Also Known As: Ian Fleming's Diamonds Are Forever See more » Filming Locations: Did You Know? Trivia Ninth James Bond movie and the seventh movie in the EON Productions official film series. It was the seventh film to both feature Bernard Lee as M and Lois Maxwell as Miss Moneypenny and the sixth to feature Desmond Llewelyn as Q. It was the sixth James Bond film to star Sean Connery as James Bond and the last for him in the EON Productions official film series. See more » Goofs When Mr Wint and Mr Kidd exit the tunnel, with Mr Bond in the trunk of the car, the cover that lifts up has a Saguaro Cactus on it. That type of cactus only grow in extreme southeastern California, southern Arizona and adjoining northwestern Mexico. See more » Quotes [first lines] James Bond : [tossing Japanese man around] Where is he? I shan't ask you politely next time. Where is Blofeld? Japanese man: Ca-Ca-Cairo. Crazy Credits THE END of DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER James Bond will return in LIVE AND LET DIE See more » Connections BOND#7: What Doesn't Stay in Vegas? Bond! 2 June 2007 \| by Bogmeister (United States) – See all my reviews MASTER PLAN: steal a lot of diamonds to fashion an orbiting super-duper laser to, guess what, blackmail the world! The pre-credits teaser functions as an epilogue to "On Her Majesty's Secret Service," with Bond hunting his arch-nemesis, Blofeld, in a quick series of scenes throughout the world. The filmmakers tried to recapture the best of "Goldfinger" in this one, using the same director and singer Bassey on the credits again. Ending up with even a pale imitation of the best Bonder is not such a bad thing, but it also points to the lack of originality besetting the series by this time. This one probably breaks the record for unusual types of killings, mostly courtesy of gay assassins Wint & Kidd, who go through a bunch of victims very quickly early on. The odd flavor and juxtaposition (detail of diamond smuggling over surreal liquidations) is an attempt to make Bond edgy & relevant now that the seventies began. The danger with all the attempts to be unusual, whether in regard to deaths or chases, is that it dips into a cutesy atmosphere a bit too far. Those fans fond of the seriousness in the previous film would probably not be amused, since it comes across as a dark parody of the usual spy stuff. That being said, Wint & Kidd, who represent the worst excesses of this film, end up as the highlights. From their very first scene in the desert, where they seem to draw inspiration from a scorpion, these two oddballs have the audience guessing on what they would do next - they are goofy, yes, but also lethal - interesting because they are somewhat original. Bond's mission, tracking an involved diamond smuggling operation, takes him briefly to Amsterdam, but he ends up in Las Vegas for most of the story. A subplot involves a missing billionaire, obviously patterned after Howard Hughes, who was still living as a recluse at this time. M and, especially Moneypenny, have less screen time in this one, though Q pops up in an amusing scene testing one of his gizmos on some one-armed bandits (Vegas is no match for Q). Though the scenes in Vegas itself are less exotic than those of most Bond films, the film also makes good use of the surrounding desert terrain and there are numerous grand sets, notably a huge futuristic lab building, complete with tests of a fake moon landing, as well as a house built into the rocks. There is a good auto chase on the streets of Vegas, which has the infamous 'two-wheely' by Bond thru an alley. The two weird assassins pop up every now and then; they even have their own theme score, an eerie yet playful little tune. One of them looks very strange (Smith, a jazz musician with no acting experience), while the other (actor Glover, father of Crispin Glover) looks more normal but has very strange inflections to his speech. Every time they show up, a strange tension surfaces for the viewer. Besides Wint & Kidd, other outrageous foes for Bond include Bambi & Thumper, two wild martial arts girls who nearly knock his teeth in. Their scene has a lot of energy and you won't soon forget them. The story is well-paced for the most part, with less of those slow spots that afflicted many of the later Bonders. However, a couple of deleted scenes with the Plenty character makes things a bit confusing for her character arc. Connery is, of course, several years older since his last Bonder, but he looks pretty much the same as he did in "You Only Live Twice." There may be a hint of grey around the edges and, in his scenes with M, it no longer comes across as 'the old man and the wiseguy kid' repartee, despite their best efforts. But Bond is still the ideal male here and it's still believable that femme fatale Tiffany falls for him by the end. She's a curious mixture of flaky girl and worldly woman, usually flippant in her approach, sort of reflecting the trivial nature of this Bonder, where nothing happening is really of grave import. That's why, when Blofeld's (him again) real plan is revealed, it's a bit out of left field; all of sudden, we see a super laser detonating missiles around the globe and everything has changed into matters of international import. Blofeld, as played by Gray, is more urbane and effeminate than the previous two versions, more attuned to a villain planning world domination, but he's also too civilized, too polite to Bond in the climactic sequence, diffusing his threatening presence. CIA liaison Leiter recalls the non-descript Leiter of "Goldfinger," as well. The climax on that oil rig sea platform in Baja is not very well done, with Blofeld's end especially disappointing (he would not return, except in the teaser of "For Your Eyes Only"). But, the epilogue is excellent. Bond, but not Connery, would return in "Live and Let Die." Bond:8 Villain:7 Femme Fatales:7 Henchmen/women:8 Leiter:6 Fights:8 Stunts/Chases:8 Gadgets:6 Auto:7 Locations:6 Pace:8 overall:7 16 of 22 people found this review helpful. Was this review helpful to you? Yes	i don't know
"Which British Prime Minister said: ""The world is becoming a lunatic asylum, run by lunatics""?"	This Is A One Sided Budget – Sajith Premadasa, UNP MP \| The Sunday Leader This Is A One Sided Budget – Sajith Premadasa, UNP MP By Camelia Nathaniel Opposition MP Sajith Premadasa opines that the budget has failed to meet the needs of the poor and argues that it is therefore a failed budget. The following are excerpts of the interview: Q: With regard to the budget what are your views on the benefits or disadvantages to the people? A. I personally think that this budget does not achieve the aspirations and expectations of the vast majority of the people. I think this is a budget catered to cushion and support the rich and the haves while marginalising and castigating the poor and the have-nots. Basically both from a macroeconomic point of view and from a microeconomic point of view I would classify this budget as a failed budget. If I may use a quote from the former British PM David Lloyd George, the world is becoming like a lunatic asylum run by lunatics. This is a one sided budget that divides the country rather than unites the country. This is a budget geared to making the rich richer and the poor poorer. Q: Do you see an imbalance between the government infrastructure development allocations and the cost of living? A: I think the government has failed to strategise and formulate a budget based on sound macroeconomic principles. The government is very quick to illustrate and exemplify the economic growth rate. But the hidden truth behind the accelerated growth rate is that the richest 20% have a 54% of national income whereas the poorest 20% have only a 4.5% share. This exemplifies the societal division that has taken place under this administration. Furthermore this government is very quick to talk about a growing middle class. But if you compare the purchasing power parity of Sri Lanka’s middle class, it’s very very low compared to the East Asian South East Asian and International averages. As far as economic growth rates are concerned if we look at the three main sections that contribute to economic growth, that is agriculture, industry and services, we see a huge decrease in employment in the agriculture sector, and somewhat average rise in the industrial sector as far as employment is concerned. As far as the three sectors contribution to growth, there again the agriculture sector has come down from 12.3 to 10.7% during the period 2006 to 2013. The industrial sector has gone up marginally from 28.2 to 30.2. The services sector has remained stagnant from 59.5 to 59.1. Let’s take the issue of poverty, where the government claims that the poverty level has come down during the period 2006 to 2013. In fact it has come down from 15.2% to 6.4%, or so the government claims which is a 57% drop in poverty. But if we look at household expenditure during this period, household expenditure has risen by 17%. A family of four needed Rs. 22,954.00 in 2006-2007 period in terms of food and household expenditure. The same family of four would need Rs. 40,000.00 in 2012 -2013 for food and non food expenditure. That’s a 78% rise. But if you look at the rise in net income, between 2006-07 and 2012-13 it has risen by only 4.8%. So net expenditure has risen by 78% and net income has risen by just 4.8% and the government claims that poverty has come down by 57%. I think the person who did the mathematical calculations to conjure these fraudulent and falsified figures has to be awarded an international prize for doing so. On the issue of poverty, the government claims that the poverty level is at 6.4% and the country’s population is 20.2 million. That is roughly 4.8 million family households. Out of this, 4.8 million households, around 1.5 million are given Samurdhi support and that is a 32.2% coverage, and the Samurdhi program is a poverty alleviation program. So how can one claim a 6.4% poverty level and give Samurdhi benefits to 32.2% of the population? Elaborating further the Institute of Policy Studies, which is a government funded think tank that does a lot of research on economics and publish reports, in their 2013 report states that international standards of poverty is based on a person earning less than $ 2 a day. This report says that in Sri Lanka that 23% of the population live on less than $ 2 a day. If you look at various reports published by the Department of Census and Statistics, in 2009-10 among rural folk 80.1% cannot afford Rs. 40,000.00. Among urban folk 56.6% cannot afford Rs. 40,000.00 per month, among the estate sector 93.5% can’t afford Rs. 40,000.00. So when such large amounts of the population cannot afford to fend for themselves in terms of food and expenditure, how can the government claim that the poverty has come down 57% from 15.2% to 6.4%? This is absolutely ludicrous. In a very basic understanding between 2005 and 2013 a litre of diesel has gone up by 142%, Petrol by 102%, sugar by 138%, sprats 172% per kilo, milk powder (400g) by 108%, soap by 105%, Dhal by 97%, loaf of bread by 275%, LP gas by 183%, litre of Kerosene by 216%, wheat flour by 227%, so with these huge escalation of prices I cannot understand any rational way on how the government can justify these rosy figures as far as poverty is concerned. It is clear that the government has manipulated the figures to justify their course of action. The government is living on borrowed time and on cloud cuckoo land. Q. What is your position on the fielding of a common candidate by the opposition at the next presidential election? A. As far as the presidential candidate is concerned it is something that has to be discussed by the working committee and it has to be ratified at a convention. So we will have to wait and see what the wishes and expectations of the party cadres and members are and we can see when the time is right who the candidate is. However I assure you that I will always stand by the party and I will make sure that our party is victorious. I have always maintained that I will support the party candidate. As far as the issue of the common candidate is concerned I don’t want to look at that issue right now as it is not yet being discussed within the party decision making circle. Q. There are allegations that you work hand in glove with the government and is manipulated by the government. How would you respond to these allegations? A. Is that why I have remained in the Hambantota district, the bastion of the Rajapaksa’s and fighting for the UNP? In 2010 the general election results, it was only in the Hambantota district that we maintained the same level of MPs that we had in the whole of the country including the Colombo district where you find the so called political giants, the UNP could not retain the same number of MPs that they had. So people can say a lot of things but I and the whole country knows what I stand for but you do get one or two difference in opinion and people who do not have much ability and they are unable to have ways to express themselves. Their rhetorical skills are very limited and there are huge restrains as far as abilities are concerned and it is they who conjure up various stories and try to create an opinion based on falsehood. But I have no issue as my foundation is not based on quicksand but on solid people power and popularity. I have never failed to be among the people and I will die among the people. I am a pro people, pro poor, pro Sri Lankan politician and I believe I have a unique blend of people power and the ability to achieve and make a difference in the lives of the people. My future will be determined by the people, and the facts show that I have fought for the UNP and the malpractices and mis-governance in the country but I have also given praise where credit was due, which in my opinion is a hallmark of a modern politician. I don’t intend to remain a politician of the stone age. So my politics is determined by reality, practicality and competence and achievement. Q. With regard to the statement made by the British Prime Minister David Cameron regarding Sri Lanka’s Human Rights, what is your take? A. Taking Sri Lanka as a country we are in a precarious situation and highly vulnerable. I think this is primarily based on the incompetent foreign policy that the government has had. The government after the war victory had tried to be arrogant and complacent about international thinking. They have neglected our obligations to the international community and the government’s obligation to its own people. Having said that, it is up to the opposition to ensure that the various anti Sri Lanka actions perpetrated by the government are stopped and objected to and neutralised. This is however not the function of international actors. The opposition cannot be substituted by the various international actors coming here and poking their fingers into our internal affairs.	David Lloyd George
"From which poem by Keats did F Scott Fitzgerald get the title of his 1934 book ""Tender is the Night""?"	This Is A One Sided Budget – Sajith Premadasa, UNP MP \| The Sunday Leader This Is A One Sided Budget – Sajith Premadasa, UNP MP By Camelia Nathaniel Opposition MP Sajith Premadasa opines that the budget has failed to meet the needs of the poor and argues that it is therefore a failed budget. The following are excerpts of the interview: Q: With regard to the budget what are your views on the benefits or disadvantages to the people? A. I personally think that this budget does not achieve the aspirations and expectations of the vast majority of the people. I think this is a budget catered to cushion and support the rich and the haves while marginalising and castigating the poor and the have-nots. Basically both from a macroeconomic point of view and from a microeconomic point of view I would classify this budget as a failed budget. If I may use a quote from the former British PM David Lloyd George, the world is becoming like a lunatic asylum run by lunatics. This is a one sided budget that divides the country rather than unites the country. This is a budget geared to making the rich richer and the poor poorer. Q: Do you see an imbalance between the government infrastructure development allocations and the cost of living? A: I think the government has failed to strategise and formulate a budget based on sound macroeconomic principles. The government is very quick to illustrate and exemplify the economic growth rate. But the hidden truth behind the accelerated growth rate is that the richest 20% have a 54% of national income whereas the poorest 20% have only a 4.5% share. This exemplifies the societal division that has taken place under this administration. Furthermore this government is very quick to talk about a growing middle class. But if you compare the purchasing power parity of Sri Lanka’s middle class, it’s very very low compared to the East Asian South East Asian and International averages. As far as economic growth rates are concerned if we look at the three main sections that contribute to economic growth, that is agriculture, industry and services, we see a huge decrease in employment in the agriculture sector, and somewhat average rise in the industrial sector as far as employment is concerned. As far as the three sectors contribution to growth, there again the agriculture sector has come down from 12.3 to 10.7% during the period 2006 to 2013. The industrial sector has gone up marginally from 28.2 to 30.2. The services sector has remained stagnant from 59.5 to 59.1. Let’s take the issue of poverty, where the government claims that the poverty level has come down during the period 2006 to 2013. In fact it has come down from 15.2% to 6.4%, or so the government claims which is a 57% drop in poverty. But if we look at household expenditure during this period, household expenditure has risen by 17%. A family of four needed Rs. 22,954.00 in 2006-2007 period in terms of food and household expenditure. The same family of four would need Rs. 40,000.00 in 2012 -2013 for food and non food expenditure. That’s a 78% rise. But if you look at the rise in net income, between 2006-07 and 2012-13 it has risen by only 4.8%. So net expenditure has risen by 78% and net income has risen by just 4.8% and the government claims that poverty has come down by 57%. I think the person who did the mathematical calculations to conjure these fraudulent and falsified figures has to be awarded an international prize for doing so. On the issue of poverty, the government claims that the poverty level is at 6.4% and the country’s population is 20.2 million. That is roughly 4.8 million family households. Out of this, 4.8 million households, around 1.5 million are given Samurdhi support and that is a 32.2% coverage, and the Samurdhi program is a poverty alleviation program. So how can one claim a 6.4% poverty level and give Samurdhi benefits to 32.2% of the population? Elaborating further the Institute of Policy Studies, which is a government funded think tank that does a lot of research on economics and publish reports, in their 2013 report states that international standards of poverty is based on a person earning less than $ 2 a day. This report says that in Sri Lanka that 23% of the population live on less than $ 2 a day. If you look at various reports published by the Department of Census and Statistics, in 2009-10 among rural folk 80.1% cannot afford Rs. 40,000.00. Among urban folk 56.6% cannot afford Rs. 40,000.00 per month, among the estate sector 93.5% can’t afford Rs. 40,000.00. So when such large amounts of the population cannot afford to fend for themselves in terms of food and expenditure, how can the government claim that the poverty has come down 57% from 15.2% to 6.4%? This is absolutely ludicrous. In a very basic understanding between 2005 and 2013 a litre of diesel has gone up by 142%, Petrol by 102%, sugar by 138%, sprats 172% per kilo, milk powder (400g) by 108%, soap by 105%, Dhal by 97%, loaf of bread by 275%, LP gas by 183%, litre of Kerosene by 216%, wheat flour by 227%, so with these huge escalation of prices I cannot understand any rational way on how the government can justify these rosy figures as far as poverty is concerned. It is clear that the government has manipulated the figures to justify their course of action. The government is living on borrowed time and on cloud cuckoo land. Q. What is your position on the fielding of a common candidate by the opposition at the next presidential election? A. As far as the presidential candidate is concerned it is something that has to be discussed by the working committee and it has to be ratified at a convention. So we will have to wait and see what the wishes and expectations of the party cadres and members are and we can see when the time is right who the candidate is. However I assure you that I will always stand by the party and I will make sure that our party is victorious. I have always maintained that I will support the party candidate. As far as the issue of the common candidate is concerned I don’t want to look at that issue right now as it is not yet being discussed within the party decision making circle. Q. There are allegations that you work hand in glove with the government and is manipulated by the government. How would you respond to these allegations? A. Is that why I have remained in the Hambantota district, the bastion of the Rajapaksa’s and fighting for the UNP? In 2010 the general election results, it was only in the Hambantota district that we maintained the same level of MPs that we had in the whole of the country including the Colombo district where you find the so called political giants, the UNP could not retain the same number of MPs that they had. So people can say a lot of things but I and the whole country knows what I stand for but you do get one or two difference in opinion and people who do not have much ability and they are unable to have ways to express themselves. Their rhetorical skills are very limited and there are huge restrains as far as abilities are concerned and it is they who conjure up various stories and try to create an opinion based on falsehood. But I have no issue as my foundation is not based on quicksand but on solid people power and popularity. I have never failed to be among the people and I will die among the people. I am a pro people, pro poor, pro Sri Lankan politician and I believe I have a unique blend of people power and the ability to achieve and make a difference in the lives of the people. My future will be determined by the people, and the facts show that I have fought for the UNP and the malpractices and mis-governance in the country but I have also given praise where credit was due, which in my opinion is a hallmark of a modern politician. I don’t intend to remain a politician of the stone age. So my politics is determined by reality, practicality and competence and achievement. Q. With regard to the statement made by the British Prime Minister David Cameron regarding Sri Lanka’s Human Rights, what is your take? A. Taking Sri Lanka as a country we are in a precarious situation and highly vulnerable. I think this is primarily based on the incompetent foreign policy that the government has had. The government after the war victory had tried to be arrogant and complacent about international thinking. They have neglected our obligations to the international community and the government’s obligation to its own people. Having said that, it is up to the opposition to ensure that the various anti Sri Lanka actions perpetrated by the government are stopped and objected to and neutralised. This is however not the function of international actors. The opposition cannot be substituted by the various international actors coming here and poking their fingers into our internal affairs.	i don't know
Dinosaur National Park is a World Heritage Site in the Canadian Badlands, in which Province is it?	Canadian Badlands Canadian Badlands Hoodoos crop up in the badlands of Dinosaur Provincial Park. Photograph by Ron Erwin, All Canada Photos In the Tom Cochrane video for "Life Is a Highway," the backdrop is a mix of towering, misshapen, ochre-colored rock (hoodoos) and endless grassy fields. The setting is the 35,000-square-mile region often referred to as the Canadian Badlands. The discovery of both coal and dinosaur bones in the late 1800s proved transformational. Nowhere on Earth is as rich in quantity and quality of the prehistoric creatures' remains as the Badlands' arid Dinosaur Provincial Park , a UNESCO World Heritage site where digs are still under way. Visitors come for the dino attractions anchored by the town of Drumheller in Alberta, but locals hope travelers look up as well. "People should come for the skies," says Linda Miller, whose family has been in the area since 1909. "The sunsets are just gorgeous. The stars and the sky at night are so full and vast." When to Go: In early June there's a high risk of rain but it's a must for those interested in the annual Dinofest celebration in Drumheller. Late June to early September promise sunny days and good access to all area attractions but reservations for children's programming and Dinosaur Provincial Park tours should be made much earlier. Professional bullfighting and homemade corn dogs reign at the Oyen Bull-a-Rama on the third Wednesday of every July. More in This Package Pictures: Animals of Canada Where to Stay: Families who want to maximize their prehistoric exposure should consider camping out in Dinosaur Provincial Park, where paleontological digs continue. If you're after more of a Wild West vacation, you can find ranch vacation options from deluxe to rustic and from city slicker to hard core across the region. Elkwater Lake Lodge has pet-friendly suites. How to Get Around: Plan to drive but fill up your tank every chance you get since gas stations are few and far between. Popular routes include one that will take you on the trail of dinosaurs , including the must-see Royal Tyrrell Museum . Where to Eat or Drink: Patricia Water Hole's cook-your-own-steak tradition is popular. Beer is sold in quart sealers (think of a large mason jar) and the walls still have bullet holes at Rosedeer Hotel's Last Chance Saloon . When you're ready to come back to the present, consider upscale Sublime Food & Wine , which serves up old favorites like baked brie and prime rib with tasty sides like cheddar mashed potatoes, plus seasonal desserts that change so frequently they're not listed on the menu. What to Buy: Contemporary ceramic pieces from Medalta Potteries in Medicine Hat's Historic Clay District or artwork that pays tribute to the area's rich Blackfoot First Nations culture are worth the care needed to transport them home. What to Read Before You Go: Dinosaur Provincial Park: A Spectacular Ancient Ecosystem Revealed by Phillip J. Currie and Eva B. Kopelhus (Indiana University Press, 2005). This scientific overview of the park's major fossil excavations, flora and fauna, and history includes illustrations of the park's animals by some of the world's finest paleoartists.	Alberta
In Meteorology, what name is given to a body of air in which the pressure is higher than the surrounding air?	Welcome to the Canadian Badlands! Explore the great things you can do! Welcome to the Canadian Badlands The Canadian Badlands of Alberta is a unique travel and tourism destination in Canada's "Wild West." With scenic drives from several urban centres, the Canadian Badlands has unique coulee landscapes and hoodoo rock formations. The region in Alberta is famous for rich deposits of fossils, including dinosaur bones, unearthed at the UNESCO World Heritage Site Dinosaur Provincial Park and showcased at the world-class Royal Tyrrell Museum. Whether you come to the Canadian Badlands for a day or road trip for a week, it inspires song, spirituality and honest wide-eyed wonder. Book your ultimate road trip today! Featured Events	i don't know
What name was given to the religious and social rebellion against Henry VIII in 1536?	Pilgrimage of Grace (1536-7) [Northern Rebellion against King Henry VIII] Search PILGRIMAGE OF GRACE, a name assumed by religious insurgents in the north of England, who opposed the dissolution of the monasteries . The movement, which commenced in Lincolnshire in Sept. 1536, was suppressed in Oct., but soon after revived in Yorkshire; and an expedition bearing the foregoing name, having banners on which were depicted the five wounds of Christ, was headed by Robert Aske and other gentlemen [cf. Lord Darcy and Robert Constable ], and joined by priests and 40,000 men of York, Durham, Lancaster, and other counties. They took Hull and York, with smaller towns. The Duke of Norfolk marched against them, and by making terms dispersed them [see 24 Articles ]. Early in 1537 they again took arms, but were promptly suppressed, and the leaders, several abbots, and many others were executed. Text source: Haydn's Dictionary of Dates. 17th Ed. Benjamin Vincent, ed. New York: Harper & Brothers, 1883. 530. PILGRIMAGE OF GRACE By J. Franck Bright With the death of Catherine some of the dangers which threatened insurrection in England disappeared. It was no longer impossible that Charles should be reconciled to his uncle [ Henry VIII ]. As the year therefore passed, the chances of an insurrection in England became less, and the real opportunity for successful action on the part of the reactionary party was gone. But, perhaps because they felt that time was thus passing away, or because accidental circumstances led the way to an outbreak, the discontented party, before the year was out, were in arms throughout the whole North of England. Nor did this party consist of one class alone. For one reason or another, nearly every nobleman of distinction, and nearly every Northern peasant, alike joined in the movement. The causes which touched the interests of so many different classes were of course various. There was indeed one tie which united them all. All, gentle and simple, were alike deeply attached to the Roman Church, and saw with detestation the beginning of the Reformation in the late Ten Articles , and the havoc which Cromwell and his agents were making among the monasteries. In fact, the coarseness with which the reforms were carried out were very revolting. Stories were current of how the visitors' followers had ridden from abbey to abbey clad in the sacred vestments of the priesthood, how the church plate had been hammered into dagger hilts. The Church had been always more powerful in the North, and the dislike to the reforms was proportionately violent. But, apart from this general conservative feeling, each class had a special grievance of its own. The clergy, it is needless to mention—they were exasperated to the last degree. The nobles—always a wilder and more independent race than those of the South—saw with disgust the upstart Cromwell the chief adviser of the Crown. They had borne the tyranny of Wolsey , but in Wolsey they could at least reverence the Prince of the Church. They had even triumphed over Wolsey, and had probably believed that the older nobility would have regained some of their ancient influence. They had been disappointed. Cromwell, a man of absolutely unknown origin, and with something at least of the downright roughness of a self-made man, was carrying all before him. The gentry, besides that they were largely connected with the superior clergy, and suffered with their suffering, were at the present smarting under a change in the law, which deprived them of the power of providing for their younger children. By the common law it was not allowed to leave landed property otherwise than to the eldest son or representative. To evade this it had been customary to employ what are called uses:—that is, property was left to the eldest son, saddled with the duty of paying a portion, or sometimes the whole, of the rent to the use of the younger son. A long continuance of this practice had produced inextricable confusion. There were frequently uses on uses, till at length it was often difficult to say to whom the property really belonged. This difficulty had been met by the "Statute of Uses" in the preceding year, by which the holder of the use was declared to be the owner of the property, and for his benefit a Parliamentary title was created. At the same time, to prevent a repetition of the difficulty, uses were forbidden. Till, therefore, the law was altered a few years afterwards, the old common law held good, and, uses being impossible, gentry with much land and little money were deprived of all power of helping their younger children. The lower orders were suffering principally from a change in the condition of agriculture in England, for which the Government could not be held responsible. There was a strong tendency to convert arable land into pasture. Complaints on this head are constant. Mercantile men also had begun to find that possession of land gave them influence irrespective of birth. Bringing the mercantile spirit with them to the country, they had worked their properties to the best advantage, regardless of the feelings of their tenants and labourers. The consequence was, that where in the old days there had been thriving villages, there were now in many instances barren sheep-walks, supporting only two or three men. The rest of the old inhabitants, uprooted from their connection with the soil, thronged the towns, or of necessity became dependent upon charity. They were suffering very deeply, and as usual attributed their sufferings to their governors. The insurrection broke out in Lincolnshire, at Louth. Thither Heneage, one of the clerical commissioners, and the Bishop of Lincoln's chancellor were going on their business on the 1st of October. It was rumoured that they intended to rob the treasury of the church. A crowd collected under the leading of a man who called himself Captain Cobler. The church was locked and guarded, the great cross fetched out by way of standard, and the whole township marched to raise the neighbouring towns and villages. The insurrection in Lincoln was essentially a popular one. It was on compulsion that the gentry joined it. There was a strong party for murdering them. They were in fact besieged by the populace in the Close at Lincoln, and quickly threw their weight upon the side of the Government. At Lincoln, during this quarrel between gentry and people, was a young lawyer, Robert Aske , who had been stopped by the insurgents, as he said, returning to his work in London. However this may be, he at once imbibed the spirit of the insurrection, and hurried off into Yorkshire, where he had interest, and where a rebellion of quite a different sort from that in Lincoln was quickly organized. The Lincolnshire rebels never came to open fighting. They sent a petition to the King from Horncastle, begging that religious houses should be restored, the late subsidy remitted, the "Statute of Uses" be repealed, the villein blood[1] removed from the Privy Council, and the heretic bishops[2] deprived. The arrival of troops under Sir John Russell and the Duke of Suffolk was sufficient to cool the rebels' ardour, and though they watched his progress sulkily, they did not absolutely oppose him. The ringleaders were given up and the insurrection dissolved. Suffolk had brought with him the King's very firm answer to their petition: "How presumptuous," he says, "are ye, the rude commons of one shire, and that one of the most brute and beastly of the whole realm and of least experience, to take upon you, contrary to God's law and man's law, to rule your Prince, whom ye are bound to obey and serve." He refused every request. It was the duty of the great nobles in each county, under such circumstances, to call out the military force of the county to repress the insurrection. Lord Hussey, in Lincolnshire, had timorously held aloof and left the country. Lord Shrewsbury had gallantly taken his position at Nottingham. In Yorkshire this duty would have devolved on Lord Darcy of Templehurst, an old and tried soldier of both the late and the present King. His sympathies were, however, wholly with the movement, and, though Henry wrote to him to urge him to instant action, he threw himself with only twelve followers into Pontefract Castle, and there awaited the arrival of the rebels. These had rendezvoused on Weighton Common, and having elected Aske general, and having despatched a force to Hull, moved towards York. On the way they were joined by the Percies, with the exception of the Earl of Northumberland himself. York surrendered to them. They then advanced to Pontefract, which was unable to hold out against them, and Lord Darcy and the Archbishop of York speedily took the oath which was exacted of all whom the rebels met in their march. Lord Darcy henceforward became the leader of the movement, second only to Aske. Of opposition in the North there was scarcely any. Hull was taken, and the army of insurgents, kept under rigid discipline, moved onwards till they reached the river Don. Their army consisted of 30,000 men, "as tall men, well-horsed and well-appointed, as any men could be;" and they had with them all the nobility and gentry of the North. At Doncaster they found themselves face to face with Shrewsbury and Norfolk , well chosen agents for the purpose the Government had in view; for the rebels, claiming to uphold the rights of the old nobility and the old Church, here found themselves opposed by two nobles of the oldest blood and the strongest Catholic convictions in England. The rebels determined to treat, principally on the recommendation of Aske, who seems to have been really patriotic, and to have wished to avoid civil war. It was agreed that a conference should be held upon the bridge of Doncaster, and there a petition was intrusted to Sir Robert Bowes and Sir Ralph Elleskar to carry to the King, Norfolk agreeing to accompany them. Meanwhile, the rebel forces were disbanded. The King contrived to win over these emissaries to his party, but Aske continued his organizations; and when no satisfactory answer had been given by the close of November, he recalled his army to his standards, and again advanced to the Don. At Norfolk's earnest intercession the King at last agreed, against his own judgment, to grant a general pardon, and to call a Parliament, to be held almost immediately, at York. A conference between Norfolk and Aske was held at Doncaster, and Aske on his knees accepted the conditions, and threw aside the badge of the five wounds of Christ which had been assumed by the rebels. It seems certain that the rebels at the time believed that the whole of their petitions had been granted [see 24 Articles ]. It is possible that Norfolk, who had much sympathy with them, held out larger promises than Henry intended. The King's views at all events were not what the rebels supposed. He at once proceeded to organize the North, to establish fortified posts, and secure the ordnance stores. Norfolk was sent to Pontefract to make preparations for the coming Parliament. All this looked very unlike a favourable answer to the insurgents' petition. Still more were they disappointed when they found that, instead of a general amnesty, each individual had to petition for his own pardon, and received it only in exchange for the oath of allegiance . There was much natural disappointment and smouldering discontent. A man of little influence, called Sir Francis Bigod, contrived a disorderly rising in opposition to the old chiefs. This afforded opportunity for Norfolk to establish martial law, and seventy-four persons were hanged. Perhaps some new treasonable correspondence was discovered, and perhaps the opportunity for vengeance had now arrived, but without any very clear renewal of their offences, the three leaders of the old insurrection— Aske , Darcy, and Constable —were arrested (March). Discontented words could no doubt be proved against them, and on this the charges against them were chiefly based. They were all condemned and executed, as were also many others of the prominent gentry of the North. Nineteen of the Lincolnshire rebels were executed (July 1537). Of the three leaders, by far the most interesting is Aske . His popularity and influence were enormous, his power of organization seems to have been great, and there is visible in his whole career a genuine desire for the objects of the insurrection, apart from his own aggrandizement, which, coupled with his marked moderation and uprightness, renders him a very remarkable character. AJ Notes: [1. Low-born (i.e., Cromwell, et al.). Villein: 'one of the class of serfs in the feudal system' —OED.] [2. Cranmer and his fellow reformers.] Text source: Bright, J. Franck. English History for the Use of Public Schools. London: Rivingtons, 1876. 404-8.	Pilgrimage of Grace
Which High Street electrical chain collapsed into administration in November 2012?	Henry VIII \| FKN's Rebellion & Disorder FKN's Rebellion & Disorder Revision help for OCR A-level Menu Across at least 5 counties in eastern and south- eastern England Leadership Locals below gentry status. No major leaders were identified because the king agreed pardons. Protestors told Duke of Norfolk: “You ask who is our captain… his name is Poverty” Outcome Major protests in Suffolk, and taxpayer discontent elsewhere Wolsey is forced to climb down and Henry abandons his aggressive foreign policy Ringleaders appear before the Star Chamber but are pardoned Henry puts all the blame on Wolsey – first step on road to his fall in 1529 Tudors change policy to collect more tax from the rich and less from the peasantry in future Main causes Tax. Henry VIII sought £800,000 of new tax – a huge sum – in the form of a forced loan, not ordered by parliament, to back his planned invasion of France Subsidiary causes Unemployment in the affected areas was rising sharply at the time, and inflation rising fast – 12% fall in peasant’s real income in this decade, prices up 60% since 1500 Degree of threat Major – for policy, but not for the person of the king. A successful rebellion, but never a political threat to the throne Narrative Resistance to the Amicable Grant can be seen as the product of a Tudor regime that had forgotten the lessons of the earlier tax revolts in Yorkshire and Cornwall. Since 1497, the state had significantly increased its efforts to raise tax revenues in order to fund a growing administration and a much more ambitious foreign policy. From 1515: Increased assessments on land, income and private assets Wolsey would collect from each individual on the basis of whichever of these would yield the largest sum; a fundamentally unfair process that was widely resented A further hike in the 1520s – to catch the French at a moment of weakness after a severe defeat in Italy – saw Wolsey demand up to a sixth from the laity and a third from the clergy It is notable that protests were are their strongest not in the poor north but the prosperous south – this was because most of the tax was collected from the relatively well off. There had been a series of good harvest in the early 1520s so there was no real dearth or suffering. However, there were economic problems – fast rising inflation and increased unemployment. Resentment at the tax was the product of 3 main factors. It was not a one-off. It followed several earlier large demands. A huge loan of £250,000 had been raised in 1522-3 Four subsidies across four years had been granted by parliament in 1523 – the Amicable Grant was on top of all these Despite promises, no loan had been repaid It was non-parliamentary – a forced loan ordered by Wolsey. There was resentment that the commons had not had a chance to have a say on whether or not the tax should be granted The scale of the protest and the unwillingness of the local nobles and gentry to force payment meant collection of the tax had to be first scaled back, then abandoned. However… although taxation was at an unprecedented peak in the 1520s, you must note that even the failure to raise the Amicable Grant did not deter the government from pushing ahead with further demands. By the 1540s, 15 years later, taxation was at the highest it had been for more than two centuries. What had changed was that Henry took care to collect much more of it from the wealthy, not the peasants. Reasons for success Widespread protest – in at least 5 counties. Essex, Kent, Warwickshire, Norfolk and Suffolk Rare example of multiple classes uniting – tax affected laity and clergy; nobility resented being made responsible for its collection and threatened with dire consequences if they failed Lord Lisle threatened with execution for failing to collect tax in Berkshire Protestors avoided violence and made it clear they were loyal to the crown and only protesting against this specific tax Dukes of Norfolk and Suffolk impressed by a calm demonstration in Suffolk – instead of attacking they wrote to London to request respite for the commons Protestors were ready to march London, bringing the focus of the rebellion to the capital. And there was enough discontent and sympathy inside London for the king not to be certain of their loyalty – the Londoners were the first to be informed that the tax demanded would be halved Because the protests went on for some time, the king’s councillors got good information from the countryside and warned Henry of the likely dire consequences of not backing down. There was much better understanding of the feelings of the commons than in other rebellions in this period. Key stats, quotes & views There were large gatherings of protestors. 4,000 rebels assemble at Lavenham in Suffolk and are willing to march on London. The Lavenham rebels outnumbered the forced available to the Duke of Suffolk Suffolk gauged the mood of his troops and realised they sympathised with the rebels. He told Wolsey his men “would defend him from all perils, but against their neighbours they would not fight” Silken Thomas, son of the Earl of Kildare, Main causes Resistance from regions to attempts to increase power of centre Especially distribution of patronage – Kildare family felt it was losing ground to rivals Subsidiary causes Fear that Reformation would be exported to Ireland – provided religious component that helped cement Kildares’ leadership. Rebellion labelled a “crusade” – but timing was more political than religious Outcome Execution of Silken Thomas and his 5 uncles Replacement of indirect rule with an attempt at “bureaucratic” Cromwellian methods, based on closer English control, especially appointment of Englishmen to major Irish posts – Lord Deputies, Treasurers. This would spark a whole series of later Irish revolts The Kildare earldom was suspended until 1569 and Kildare lands were temporarily confiscated. The weakening of the family had negative consequences as they had kept other great Irish families down English determination to install Cromwellian system fundamentally destabilised relations between London and the Anglo-Irish lords – C16th would become a century of rebellion in Ireland Attempt to impose further reform in Ireland was much less successful – the Reformation Parliament of 1536-7 refused to grant a subsidy and threw out all bills reforming the administration. This showed the continued lack of English strength in Ireland – rule still had to be through the Irish English were thenceforth very cautious about imposing religious change – this helps to explain why Catholicism survived as the main religion in Ireland Creation of Ireland as a kingdom in 1542. Henry became King of Ireland rather than Lord of Ireland – claiming greater loyalty and power than he had done before Degree of threat Moderate. The battle lines were especially sharply drawn, but Thomas’s strategy was pants and he offered only a limited direct threat to major centres of Tudor power. Narrative For hundreds of years, Ireland had been ruled by the “Anglo-Irish” – descendants of English invaders of the C12th who had intermarried with Gaelic clans and become “more Irish than the Irish.” The most powerful of these families in the Tudor period were the Fitzgeralds. They were Earls of Kildare, and had their power base in Ulster. However, Thomas Cromwell’s policies seemed to threaten their position. Cromwell sought to impose uniformity of practice and control of royal patronage that previously the Kildares had been able to control, guaranteeing their supremacy in Ireland. In 1534 Earl of Kildare was replaced as Deputy by a rival, Lord Skeffintgon. Cromwell intended this more as a way of ensuring no one Irish lord became too powerful rather than as a direct attack on the Kildares – but that was how it was taken. Kildare resigned from the Privy Council and denounced Tudor rule. In previous years these would have been taken as they were intended – political manoeuvres designed eventually to reach a compromise. In the more dangerous atmosphere of the 1530 – with the Reformation in full swing – the move was seen as more hostile. Kildare was sent to the Tower of London. His son, Silken Thomas, then proclaimed a Catholic crusade. This must have been inspired by fear of the reformation, so religious motives were significant in this rebellion Demanded Irish take an oath of loyalty to the Pope and himself, not Henry Hence required a transfer of allegiance from the Tudors to the Kildares ‘Such an ideological component had no precedent in medieval Ireland’s frequent rebellions’ – Anthony Fletcher He refused a summons to London, raised 1,000 men, and invaded the Palke (English controlled area around Dublin). Thomas had shipped weapons and gunpowder out of Dublin castle while he still controlled it and now returned to lay siege to Dublin. Although Thomas sought support from the Pope and Charles V, the Holy Roman Emperor, he was seeking support rather than mounting a genuinely religious campaign. The royal response was to send an army of 2,300 – the largest despatched to Ireland in 150 years. As it moved through Ireland, most other local nobles submitted rather than fight. Thomas, holed up in Maynooth Castle, was promised his life would be spared and decided to offer his surrender – expecting mercy. Instead he was sent to London and executed along with 5 of his uncles and 70 other ringleaders. This unexpected outcome is ironically known as the Pardon of Maynooth. Reasons for failure Major English response in terms of troops sent and money expended Thomas loses support of clergy by ordering execution of Archbishop of Dublin, who had tried to mediate Thomas allowed himself to be besieged at Maynooth, meaning the relatively small English army could concentrate all its forces on one spot. Later Irish rebels would use guerrilla tactics to much greater effect Key stats, quotes and views The rebellion cost London £75,000 to suppress – a huge sum The number of executions was high compared to earlier Tudor rebellions, but still far less than the Pilgrimage of Grace two years later or later Irish rebellions The rebellion should be seen as serious because its aims were major – it was “an act of total opposition to what was going on” (Anthony Fletcher), and had Silken Thomas emerged victorious he would have set himself up as ruler of Ireland Multiple, with leaders from Commons giving way to gentry (a pattern typical of many rebellions) Shoemaker Nicholas Melton in Lincs. Landowners such as Sir Robert Aske and Francis Bigod in Yorkshire. Bush calls the rebellion ‘a rising of the commons’, stressing its manifestoes were issued “with consent of the commons” and that rebels swore to be true to “God, king and commons” No noble leaders, but – conspicuously – local nobles did not actively try to suppress rebellion Main causes Religious change. Fear of dissolution of monasteries, which provided needed charitable social safety net – rebellion coincided with visits by King’s Commissioners; settling of local grievances Fear of new taxes in a time of peace not war, prompted by passage of Cromwell’s Subsidy Act authorising the collection of £80,000 Subsidiary causes Poor harvest the previous year Shifts in power balances at court – old supporters of Catherine of Aragon losing out Degree of threat High (despite the ridiculously low death-toll, see below). An estimated 50,000 rebels in total, across a broad swathe of northern England. Some demands were met. But the risings were not co-ordinated or simultaneous, and there was never any intention to overthrow the king. This was a loyal rebellion Outcomes Local nobles forced to negotiate with rebels and a general pardon promised Subsidy dropped Four sacraments resorted to prayer book (pro-Catholic outcome). Second wave of rebels led by Bigod treated much more harshly – sign of how concerned government was by this rebellion Narrative The Pilgrimage of Grace was the largest and most complex rebellion of the period. It took place in five separate locations, there were two different outbreaks of rebellion, in 1536 and 1537. With so many different people involved over such a wide area, the Pilgrimage had no single leader or cause. It was both a religious and an economic protest, led in various places and various times by members of the gentry and the commons. To make matters more confusing, most of the testimony we have comes from the aftermath, where there were strong motives for denying the rebellion had been organised – it also suited Cromwell to push the idea it had had economic and not religious motives. In this sense the Pilgrimage can be whatever historians want it to be, but perhaps the safest conclusion is that it reflected a wide range of discontent at an especially charged time. Henry VIII and Thomas Cromwell were implementing a wide-reaching programme adding to the power of the centre to control the regions New taxes, London commissions looking at northern religious houses Passage of the Act for the Dissolution of the Lesser Monasteries and the Ten Articles The impact of the Reformation was increasingly being felt at a local level There had been a very poor harvest in 1535 The pressure of population growth was causing unemployment – population rose 15% in this decade Enclosure was spreading The Subsidy was being collected – many opposed it because they felt an aggressive war with France was none of their business Things were changing rapidly at this time. While the Break with Rome had taken place in 1532, there was absolutely no change in religious doctrine for a further two years. Henry’s Ten Articles (1536) changed this. They… Cut the number of sacraments from 7 to 3 (baptism, penance, Eucharist) Banned worship of images Denied that it was possible for prayers to save souls from purgatory The Articles were accompanied by a ban on the celebration of many Catholic holy days and moves to dissolve not only the few great religious houses, but also the many lesser monasteries, which provided most of what social “safety net” there was, especially in the north: Charity for the destitute Accommodation for men travelling in search of work Trouble began in the autumn of 1536. The first violence was in Lincolnshire in October – the Lincolnshire Rising: Three government commissions were at work in the county, dissolving the lesser monasteries, enforcing the 10 Articles and collecting the subsidy The 4 commissioners enforcing the 10 Articles were seized A popular revolt at first – the evidence suggests no pre-planning: Priests were active in recruiting support Rebellion spread organically from parish to parish Rumour played an important part in mobilising support Gentry assumed control after a week or so – they were seen as the “natural leaders” of society. Again the situation is confused, in part because after the revolt was over the leaders were anxious to downplay their involvement. Some claimed to have been forced to lead by the commons This phase marked by oath taking and the drawing up of petitions The first set of rebel demands was the Louth Manifesto (October 1536) – its mixed bag of demands was typical of the mixed motives of the rebels. It called for An end to peacetime taxation End to the dissolution of monasteries (16 of 55 northern monasteries had already been dissolved) Restoration of ancient church liberties A pardon for all rebels The underlying pitch of the demands was effectively medieval – that there were low born councillors keeping the king from knowing what was really happening in his dominions. This was followed by riots in Cumberland over enclosure, and hedges pulled down in Giggleswick, Yorkshire a rising in Yorkshire led by Sir Robert Aske. He was a lawyer and the younger son of an important Yorkshire family which had links to the Percy Earls of Northumberland In all, it is estimated that 50,000 took part in some phase of the Pilgrimage, though the largest single gathering was the 30,000 strong rebel army assembled in Yorkshire. Aske was elected “chief captain” of the Yorkshire rebels. It seems to have been he who termed the rebellion a “Pilgrimage” with its elements of peaceful and religious protest, rather than violent rebellion. The rebels thenceforth marched under the (Catholic) banner of the Five Wounds of Christ. Seeing the rebellion as essentially peaceful is not a stretch – only one man was killed in the Pilgrimage of Grace The Yorkshire rebels were nonetheless a formidable force, 30,000 strong, and they were threatening to march south if their demands were ignored. Henry sent the Duke of Norfolk to treat with them and there was a meeting at Doncaster. Aske found him willing to listen, and the outcome was an agreement for a truce. The rebel army disbanded and Aske convened a council at Pontefract (December 1536) to issue a new manifesto. The 24 articles of the Pontefract Manifesto embraced many causes: 3 were economic – including an end to enclosure 6 were legal or administrative – including a parliament to be held in the north 6 were political – including the removal of Cromwell and Cranmer (seen as a protestant ‘heretic’) and restoration of Mary to the line of succession 9 were religious – including restoration of Papal authority Henry wanted to refuse all demands, but Norfolk persuaded him this would lead to a march on London, so he agreed instead to a general pardon for the rebels and promised a parliament convened in York would consider grievances. Before this could happen, there was a second outbreak of rebellion in the north led by a protestant minor landowner called Sir Francis Bigod (January 1537). He had a number of very local grievances over landholding but also feared the king’s pardon was just a ruse to get the rebels to disperse so that they could be punished. Bigod’s rising gave Henry the excuse to crush the rebels by force and compel the local gentry & nobility to back him or face the consequences. Aske and Bigod were arrested, convicted of treason and hanged 50 Lincolnshire rebels and 130 northern rebels were executed, still a relatively small number considering the size of the rebel support The rebellion thus remained entirely northern, though there was certainly sympathy in the south Questions over whether the Pilgrimage was planned and led divide historians. The banners used in the Pilgrimage were made in advance. On the other hand, Aske was on his way to London for the new law term when he got caught in the rebellion – no evidence of pre-planning For Geoffrey Elton, it was the product of the northern gentry and emphatically not a ‘spontaneous combustion’ caused by discontent among the commons. There were spontaneous elements, but at root it was a planned rebellion For Davies, it was predominantly popular, and there were genuine religious causes behind it. He accepts there was “a great deal of upper class prompting” For JJ Scarisbrick, it was a conservative rebellion from below – the ‘largest rebellion in English history’, but “above all a protest against change – a desperate attempt to restore what had been pulled down and protect what still stood.” For Dickens the “roots of the movement were decidedly economic, its demands predominantly secular” Reasons for success and failure To argue the Pilgrimage was a success: Henry had to start paying more attention to the north – he was very careful to avoid a repetition To argue the Pilgrimage was a failure: Rebels failed to take advantage of their numbers of general sympathy for the cause; they did not march south How to see the Pilgrimage You really can take your pick, there are so many different views It was local reaction to the centre CSL Davies argues this Says Percies were behind everything and fighting for their old power and independence Religion was a useful cloak to win popular support Points to Aske’s links with Percies –sees him as a catspaw It was factional Geoffrey Elton argues this Says initial Lincolnshire rebels had links to local landowners who were part of Catherine of Aragon’s faction, who had lost favour and patronage at court Idealism and religion cloaked naked political aims It had social and economic causes ML Bush argues this Subsidy resented in a poor and famished north – three bad harvests since 1527 and starvation: “sheep do eat men” (More) – and there were rumours of new taxes on the way Resentment at enclosure – though no widespread pulling down of fences It was a religious rebellion JJ Scarisbrick argues this	i don't know

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