jamesliu23/simpsons · Datasets at Hugging Face

text stringlengths 7 697
Oh yeah, it's all the kids talk about on Monday at school.
Oh, well. Why have a free T-shirt. You'll be the "coolest" kids on the playground.
We'll put them on later. Now can you give us the rabbi's address?
Oh sure thing. Let me just check my "Non-Christian" rolodex.
I bet the rabbi misses Krusty.
He'll be so happy, he'll be crying in his beard.
Excuse us, Rabbi Krustofsky?
Oh, what can I do for you, my young friends?
We came to talk to you about your son.
And in order to keep our broadcasting license, we devote Sunday night dead time to public service shows of limited appeal.
In that spirit, we bring you "Gabbin' about God," sponsored by Ace Religion Supply where they say: "If we don't got it, it ain't holy."
With us tonight, once again, our very own three wise men: Reverend Timothy Lovejoy, Monsignor Kenneth Daley, and Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky.
Okay, and our first caller is from Shelbyville Heights.
Yes, hi, with all the suffering and injustice in the world, do you ever wonder if God really exists?
Not for a second.
Not at all.
Great. Good conversation there. Our next call now is for the good Rabbi.
Hello? Anybody there? I hear breathing but I don't hear talking. What's going on here? Hello, mister. Hello... hello.
Some people got nothing to do but call people and hang up. There's all kinds of meshugoyim in the world.
Okay, let's clear the board. Our next caller is a young boy from right here in Springfield.
Hello, my name's Dimitri. I'm a first time caller, long time listener.
My question is, "If a son defies his father, and chooses a career that makes millions of children happy, shouldn't the father forgive the son?"
I think so.
Yes, of course.
No way. Absolutely not. Never! Never! Who screens these calls? Who's in charge here? There's nobody in charge. They leave a building without people watching it and anybody who wants can call any stupid person they please...
Don't worry, Lis. I've got a plan that can't fail.
Yiddle my man, you're a genius.
I love my work.
Oh, the best charity is to give and not let other people know.
But what if your example encourages others to give?
Speaking of charity, Rabbi Krustofsky, don't you think it's time you forgave your son?
Don't you understand that my boy broke my heart? He turned his back on our traditions and our faith, and on me. Get out of here you little pisher!
Oy, this guy's tough.
Bart, we're gonna have to out smart him.
I don't know, he's pretty sharp. He saw right through this disguise.
What? Saul Bellow, the Nobel Prize winning Jewish novelist. He wants to have lunch with me? Ah ah, It's a date! Izzy's Deli, one o'clock, I'll be there.
The French government wants to give me The Legion of Honor? Where do I receive this prestigious award? Izzy's Deli, one o'clock. Thank you, Monsieur President.
Au revoir.
Are you kids ready to order yet?
Sorry, no. Just get us another bowl of complimentary pickles.
Watch how fast I go.
And for you sir?
Oh, let's see. I want a nice sandwich, but the Joey Bishop, ugh, too fatty... the Jackie Mason, I don't know, sauerkraut makes me gassy. The Bruce Willis, I don't even like his work... What is this?... Krusty the Clown!?
That's ham, sausage and bacon with a smidge of mayo...
... on white bread.
Listen, you tell Mr. Saul Bellow, the Nobel Prize winning Jewish novelist, that I lost my appetite.
Uh, could you direct me to President Francois Mitterrand's table?
You think you're funny?
Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.
Bart, we've been going about this all wrong. What's the one thing rabbis prize above everything else?
Those stupid hats?
No Bart. Knowledge.
We're gonna hit him where it hurts. Right in the Judaica.
Ahhh, Noah, Noah, save us, save us... No!!
This looks good Bart. Take it to him.
You I told to go away.
But... but... but, but Rabbi, does it not say in the Babylonian Talmud... And I quote, "A child should be pushed aside with the left hand, and drawn closer with the right."
Then doesn't your religion command you to make up with Krusty?
But in Exodus, the fifth commandment says, "Honor thy Father and thy Mother." End of story.
Oh, it's hopeless.
Not quite. I got some dynamite stuff from Rabbi Simon ben Eleazar.
At all times let a man be supple as a reed and not rigid as a cedar.
But, my short learned friend, the Book of Joshua says, "You shall meditate on the Torah all day and all night."
Is it not written in the Talmud, "Who will bring redemption? The jesters."
Sorry my friend, I'm still not convinced. And this is hardly the time or place to discuss it.
Here you go, Bart. It's a long shot, but, that's all I can do without learning ancient Hebrew.
Bart! I am not gonna learn ancient Hebrew.
No one could be / so gentle and so LOVEABLE / Oh mein papa / he always understood.
I got somethin' in my eye.
Here, take my hanky.
Rabbi, did not a great man say, and I quote, "The Jews are a swinging bunch of people. I mean, I've heard of persecution, but what they went through is ridiculous! But the great thing is after thousands of years of waiting and holding on and fighting, they finally made it." End quote.
Ohh, I never heard the plight of my people phrased so eloquently. Who said that, Rabbi Hillel?
It was Judah the Pious?
Mamonides?
Oh, I got it -- the Dead Sea Scrolls.
I'm afraid not, Rabbi. It's from "Yes, I Can" by Sammy Davis Jr. An entertainer like your son.
The candy man?
If a performer can think that way, maybe I'm completely upside-down on this whole problem. All the years of joy that I've lost. Why? Because of my stubborn ways.
There, there, Rabbi. It's not too late.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi, kids... Today's show is gonna be the funniest, sidesplitin'est, cavalcade of... ah the hell with it. Roll the cartoon.
Oh, yeah. My old friends, right next to my heart.
Oy, such a filthy habit.
Who asked you? Father?
Hershel.
Boychik!
Oh, Daddy...
You're on, Krusty.
Boys and girls, I'd like to be serious for a moment if I may. Spotlight, please.
I just wanted... I just wanted... Come on guys. I'm not doing the spotlight bit.
Let's have a warm Krusty welcome for my estranged father, Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky.
Lenny, a little reconciliation music if you please... Oh mein papa / to me he was so wonderful / Oh mein papa/ Come on, Dad / to me he was so good/ You know the words.
We haven't seen each other in twenty-five years.
Oh, I love you, son.
I love you too, Daddy.
And, to conclude this Halloween newscast on a scary note, remember: The presidential primaries are only a few months away.
Hey, if you don't like it, go to Russia.
Trick or treat, man.
Hey, aren't you a little old for this? You're not even wearing costumes.
Hand over the candy, old dude, or we egg your house back to the stone age.
Here you go, kids. Lousy punks...

Oh yeah, it's all the kids talk about on Monday at school.

Oh, well. Why have a free T-shirt. You'll be the "coolest" kids on the playground.

We'll put them on later. Now can you give us the rabbi's address?

Oh sure thing. Let me just check my "Non-Christian" rolodex.

I bet the rabbi misses Krusty.

He'll be so happy, he'll be crying in his beard.

Excuse us, Rabbi Krustofsky?

Oh, what can I do for you, my young friends?

We came to talk to you about your son.

And in order to keep our broadcasting license, we devote Sunday night dead time to public service shows of limited appeal.

In that spirit, we bring you "Gabbin' about God," sponsored by Ace Religion Supply where they say: "If we don't got it, it ain't holy."

With us tonight, once again, our very own three wise men: Reverend Timothy Lovejoy, Monsignor Kenneth Daley, and Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky.

Okay, and our first caller is from Shelbyville Heights.

Yes, hi, with all the suffering and injustice in the world, do you ever wonder if God really exists?

Not for a second.

Not at all.

Great. Good conversation there. Our next call now is for the good Rabbi.

Hello? Anybody there? I hear breathing but I don't hear talking. What's going on here? Hello, mister. Hello... hello.

Some people got nothing to do but call people and hang up. There's all kinds of meshugoyim in the world.

Okay, let's clear the board. Our next caller is a young boy from right here in Springfield.

Hello, my name's Dimitri. I'm a first time caller, long time listener.

My question is, "If a son defies his father, and chooses a career that makes millions of children happy, shouldn't the father forgive the son?"

I think so.

Yes, of course.

No way. Absolutely not. Never! Never! Who screens these calls? Who's in charge here? There's nobody in charge. They leave a building without people watching it and anybody who wants can call any stupid person they please...

Don't worry, Lis. I've got a plan that can't fail.

Yiddle my man, you're a genius.

I love my work.

Oh, the best charity is to give and not let other people know.

But what if your example encourages others to give?

Speaking of charity, Rabbi Krustofsky, don't you think it's time you forgave your son?

Don't you understand that my boy broke my heart? He turned his back on our traditions and our faith, and on me. Get out of here you little pisher!

Oy, this guy's tough.

Bart, we're gonna have to out smart him.

I don't know, he's pretty sharp. He saw right through this disguise.

What? Saul Bellow, the Nobel Prize winning Jewish novelist. He wants to have lunch with me? Ah ah, It's a date! Izzy's Deli, one o'clock, I'll be there.

The French government wants to give me The Legion of Honor? Where do I receive this prestigious award? Izzy's Deli, one o'clock. Thank you, Monsieur President.

Au revoir.

Are you kids ready to order yet?

Sorry, no. Just get us another bowl of complimentary pickles.

Watch how fast I go.

And for you sir?

Oh, let's see. I want a nice sandwich, but the Joey Bishop, ugh, too fatty... the Jackie Mason, I don't know, sauerkraut makes me gassy. The Bruce Willis, I don't even like his work... What is this?... Krusty the Clown!?

That's ham, sausage and bacon with a smidge of mayo...

... on white bread.

Listen, you tell Mr. Saul Bellow, the Nobel Prize winning Jewish novelist, that I lost my appetite.

Uh, could you direct me to President Francois Mitterrand's table?

You think you're funny?

Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong.

Bart, we've been going about this all wrong. What's the one thing rabbis prize above everything else?

Those stupid hats?

No Bart. Knowledge.

We're gonna hit him where it hurts. Right in the Judaica.

Ahhh, Noah, Noah, save us, save us... No!!

This looks good Bart. Take it to him.

You I told to go away.

But... but... but, but Rabbi, does it not say in the Babylonian Talmud... And I quote, "A child should be pushed aside with the left hand, and drawn closer with the right."

Then doesn't your religion command you to make up with Krusty?

But in Exodus, the fifth commandment says, "Honor thy Father and thy Mother." End of story.

Oh, it's hopeless.

Not quite. I got some dynamite stuff from Rabbi Simon ben Eleazar.

At all times let a man be supple as a reed and not rigid as a cedar.

But, my short learned friend, the Book of Joshua says, "You shall meditate on the Torah all day and all night."

Is it not written in the Talmud, "Who will bring redemption? The jesters."

Sorry my friend, I'm still not convinced. And this is hardly the time or place to discuss it.

Here you go, Bart. It's a long shot, but, that's all I can do without learning ancient Hebrew.

Bart! I am not gonna learn ancient Hebrew.

No one could be / so gentle and so LOVEABLE / Oh mein papa / he always understood.

I got somethin' in my eye.

Here, take my hanky.

Rabbi, did not a great man say, and I quote, "The Jews are a swinging bunch of people. I mean, I've heard of persecution, but what they went through is ridiculous! But the great thing is after thousands of years of waiting and holding on and fighting, they finally made it." End quote.

Ohh, I never heard the plight of my people phrased so eloquently. Who said that, Rabbi Hillel?

It was Judah the Pious?

Mamonides?

Oh, I got it -- the Dead Sea Scrolls.

I'm afraid not, Rabbi. It's from "Yes, I Can" by Sammy Davis Jr. An entertainer like your son.

The candy man?

If a performer can think that way, maybe I'm completely upside-down on this whole problem. All the years of joy that I've lost. Why? Because of my stubborn ways.

There, there, Rabbi. It's not too late.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi, kids... Today's show is gonna be the funniest, sidesplitin'est, cavalcade of... ah the hell with it. Roll the cartoon.

Oh, yeah. My old friends, right next to my heart.

Oy, such a filthy habit.

Who asked you? Father?

Hershel.

Boychik!

Oh, Daddy...

You're on, Krusty.

Boys and girls, I'd like to be serious for a moment if I may. Spotlight, please.

I just wanted... I just wanted... Come on guys. I'm not doing the spotlight bit.

Let's have a warm Krusty welcome for my estranged father, Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky.

Lenny, a little reconciliation music if you please... Oh mein papa / to me he was so wonderful / Oh mein papa/ Come on, Dad / to me he was so good/ You know the words.

We haven't seen each other in twenty-five years.

Oh, I love you, son.

I love you too, Daddy.

And, to conclude this Halloween newscast on a scary note, remember: The presidential primaries are only a few months away.

Hey, if you don't like it, go to Russia.

Trick or treat, man.

Hey, aren't you a little old for this? You're not even wearing costumes.

Hand over the candy, old dude, or we egg your house back to the stone age.

Here you go, kids. Lousy punks...