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rick-and-morty-script

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Beth:
That’s wonderful, Summer!
Jerry:
We’re so proud of you. But honestly, you don’t have to make dinner every night.
Summer:
Of course I do, silly! Oh my God, daddy, I’m sorry I called you silly! I’m so sorry! Heavenly head and cranial creator! Forgive my transgressions against family and community! May my chores complete me as I complete them!
Birdperson:
Morty.
Morty:
Birdperson?
Birdperson:
You appear to be dying. I will make efforts to prevent this, but can promise nothing.
Rick:
Wh-What do you think, Ice? Probably a little over-developed.
Ice-T:
Shit. Over-developed, under-developed. Bad songs are bad songs.
Rick:
Well, do you think maybe, could you give me some help with it, or… ?
Ice-T:
Ah, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can’t afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I’m sayin’?
Rick:
Ice, I don’t want to be a negative Nelly or anything, but if Morty doesn’t come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it’s, uh, kind of your problem too.
Ice-T:
Pfff. I ain’t worried about no Earth blowin’ up, man.
Rick:
What? Why not?
Ice-T:
Yo, this is why.
Rick:
What the fuck? You can turn into ice?
Ice-T:
My story begins at the dawn of time in the far away realm of Alphabetrium. There, every being is a letter of the alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of the many stops on my lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don’t care if it blows up! Cause I’ll just be ice, floatin’ through space, like a comet!
Rick:
Take it from me, Ice. You can’t just float around space not caring about stuff forever.
Ice-T:
Pshhhh. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick.
President:
Ok, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to “get schwifty.”
Nathan:
Oh, for God’s sake, that’s enough.
President:
What the hell are you doing, Nathan? I’m the goddamn President of the United fuckin’ States!
Nathan:
I’m setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth’s performance. And you, Mr. President, I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun!
President:
Wait, wait, wait, why-why --
Birdperson:
I believe I can access the history of Rick’s gun and help you get back to him.
Morty:
But can you help me get to my family? You know, at my house?
Birdperson:
Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun? In bird culture, this is considered a dick move.
Morty:
All of Rick’s moves are dick moves! Wh-what am I eating? What is this, bird seed?
Birdperson:
It is random debris. I found it in my carpet. I don’t know what humans eat.
Birdperson:
Don’t be gross, Tammy.
Morty:
Tammy… gross. Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He doesn’t think about the consequences of anything he does.
Birdperson:
And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other. And the reason I’m alive at all.
Morty:
What’s that? Who’s that baby?
Birdperson:
Morty, suppose you could retrieve your family from Earth but had to abandon Rick. I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick?
Cromulon: