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rick-and-morty-script

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That was Chunky Tunk with “Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorp Dorp.” Up next, planet Earth!
Morty:
Oh God! We’re up?!?!
Principal Vagina:
Jerry and Beth, your family is a golden example of what Headism has to offer the world.
Beth:
The world?
Principal Vagina:
Headism is a hit. We’re taking it worldwide and would like Jerry to be our church’s “Head” of Advertising.
Jerry:
You… would?
Principal Vagina:
Beth, we’d like to promote you from horse surgeon, straight past human surgeon, to “Head” of Medicine.
Beth:
That’s my dream! That’s my dream.
Jerry:
Thank you. This is all so overwhelming, but, uh… we can’t.
Beth:
Absolutely not.
Principal Vagina:
I’m sorry?
Beth:
We’ve been waiting 16 years for our daughter to respect us, but the key is, it has to be “our” daughter, not this person she’s become.
Jerry:
We’ll take our chances raising her without fancy new jobs outside of a potato-based religion. And you know what? I’m sick of pretending that we’re together because of the kids in the first place! I married you because you’re the love of my life!
Beth:
And I‘m lucky to have you and I never tell you that! You know, we will come out of this stronger as a family!
Beth:
Please don’t do this, please don’t do this! Summer!
Jerry:
Summer, listen carefully. I stole a paper clip and I have it in my cheek but I don’t know what to do with it and it hurts.
Summer:
You’re going to be ok! You will come back as babies!
Jerry:
I AM a baby! I’m a baby NOW!
Morty:
Hello? Is anybody here? Mr. President!
President:
This is Bluebird. Code tango-niner-alpha. Abort launch. Abort! Hello? He’s blocked me out.
Morty:
Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get schwifty!
President:
It won’t matter how schwifty you get, Morty. The General’s got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth’s song!
Morty:
Oh my God! C-c-can you fly a Blackhawk?
President:
Can the Pope’s dick fit through a donut?
Morty:
Uhhh, I’m not sure?
President:
Exactly!
Cromulon:
SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT.
Rick:
Ahem. Uhhh… lop-oo-lop-oo-lop-oo-dups, nop-oo-nop-oo-nop-oo-nuts.
Principal Vagina:
Headward free now to rise!
Mr. Goldenfold:
Hey! Look at the heads! Looks like the heads are gettin’ angry!
President:
I’m really bad at this, Morty! There are way too many buttons on this thing!
Morty:
Mr. President, if I’ve learned one thing today, it’s that sometimes, you have to not give a fuck!
Rick:
Nup-oo-nup-oo-nup-oo-nups… ooh, tough crowd.
Principal Vagina:
I’m sure that has… that has nothing to do with this.