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rick-and-morty-script

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Ice-T:
Magnesium-J, Hydrogen-F. Father.
Ice-T:
I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium.
Rick:
Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine.You hear me Jerry? You're gonna be fine!
Morty:
Woahh!
Rick:
ooo... Watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth.
Beth:
Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia?
Rick:
I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically the second freezer drawer is mine.
Beth:
Not anymore.
Rick:
You're overreacting!
Rick:
Alright fine, but you're not touching my CRISPR.
Summer:
Is he going to die?
Rick:
What? Every hospital claims to have the best doctor in the galaxy. It's like those pizza places that claim to have the best pizza in the world. What- Do you think they have pizza contests? Have you ever been to a pizza contest?
Beth:
Go in the waiting room, Dad.
Rick:
Fine! Excuse me. Coming through. What are you here for- Just kidding, I don't care. Well this won't do.
Rick:
A sequel.
Rick:
Yeah me neither, we pretty much nailed it the first time.
Announcer:
Eye-holes! Get them today! IKEA.
Rick:
You gotta be careful Morty, if that guy catches you with a box of his eye-holes he comes bursting in through a window and just starts kicking the shit outta you. But it's worth the risk, they melt in your mouth Morty! They're delicious.
Beth:
I can't believe you're explaining alien cereal, we're worried about Jerry.
Rick:
Well you're thirty-nine years too late, or however old he is. Is he fifty? Oh man, Beth is, is Jerry fifity!?
Jerry:
Where am I?
Alien Doctor:
Relax Mr. Smith, you're in an alien hospital. I mean to you it's an alien hospital, to me you're just in a hospital. There's another matter we need to discuss with you.
Jerry:
My goodness.
Jerry:
I see-WAIT! What?
Alien Doctor:
It's perfect! The configuration of veins, the ratio of thickness to elasticity, the delicate asymmetry of what you call "your balls". With relatively few adjustments, your genitals can be molded into a working heart for the most important man in the universe!
Jerry:
Yeah, but, I mean-
Jerry:
Alright! That's enough. You're talking about my species! We understand genocide, we do it sometimes!
Jerry:
Yes I will! That's right, assholes, take my penis, TAKE IT ALL! And tell Shrimply Pimples that when the galaxy came calling Jerry Smith from Earth didn't flinch!
Rick:
Hey, what's wrong Morty? Oh, you're worried about your dad, huh?
Morty:
Huh? Uh, no no no, I'm-I'm just looking at that lady getting coffee. What's up with her face? Is she a human or is she like Worf. You know Worf, from Star Trek, where he has the shit all over his face but he's just a human in a costume, you know?
Rick:
Morty let's-let's see what else is on.
Morty:
Okay.
Morty:
Whoa! Look! It's that lady with all that shit on her face like Worf from Star Trek! That was getting coffee! How did she get there!
Rick: