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jmaczan
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rick-and-morty-script

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Beth:
Stop saying his name! He abandoned us.
Jerry:
Willem Dafoe! Th-That's the guy I couldn't think of this morning.
Beth:
Don't make my mistake, Summer. Don't deify the people that leave you. You'll end up a horse surgeon in a world controlled by aliens whose medicine keeps horses healthy forever. Horses live longer than tortoises now. Is that what you want for yourself?
Summer:
Maybe I just want you to care if I run away yelling!
Jerry:
Ooh!
Rick:
Oh, any particular ones? You want to see my first boner, or should we go straight to the moment I discovered interdimensional travel?
Rick:
' Ooh, your little flappy doodles are twitching. Does that mean you're aroused, or did you just get a signal that one of your buddies found a grape?
Cornvelious Daniel:
It's arousal. Yes, I'd like very much to visit the memory of you inventing your portal gun.
Rick:
Yeah, well, tough titties.
Rick:
Well, that depends on who breaks first -- me or the titty.
Cornvelious Daniel:
Someone special you remember? Is that your memory of her out there -- between where you were on 9/11 and your favorite sports blooper?
Cornvelious Daniel:
If we stay here, you'll die, along with all your memories. If you take me where I want to go she'll be there, too, won't she?
Rick:
The day I invented the portal gun is the day I lost her.
Cornvelious Daniel:
Oh, that sounds cool. I can get what I want and you can say goodbye.
Rick:
Fine, but I'm driving.
Morty:
Huh? What are you -- What are you doing?
Summer:
Grandpa Rick must have some secret lab, right? With, like, laser guns and jets packs and a space tank! And we can go break him out of prison! Look at these dead flies! Maybe if we arrange them in a certain order, it plays a hologram or it opens a secret door.
Morty:
Summer, you're freaking me out. I know things have changed a lot, and I know you miss Rick, but getting him back wouldn't make things better. And, you know, we're not doing so bad.
Summer:
We're miserable, Morty! There's a mandatory curfew, their weird calendar made me 47, and they weaponized the Eiffel Tower!
Morty:
Hey, I like being 35. I-I can rent a car now.
Summer:
Because you suck! You've been keeping your lip zipped about it since Grandpa got arrested, but the fact is, you're freaking stoked to bail on him.
Morty:
He bails on everybody! He bailed on Mom when she was a kid! He -- He bailed on tiny planet! And in case I never made this clear to you, Summer, he bailed on you. He left you to rot in a world that he ruined because he doesn't care! Because nobody's special to him, Summer, not even himself. So, if you really want your grandpa back, grab a shovel. The one that won't let you down is buried in your backyard!
Summer:
You're right!
Morty:
What?! No, I'm not right. I-I was using ghoulish overkill! Ghoulish overkill, Summer!
Morty:
Oh, God! Oh, God! Whoa, whoa!
Cornvelious Daniel:
Where are we going?
Rick:
To the day it all began and ended. The moment that changed everything.
Rick:
Yeah, I'd like to get a 10-piece McNugget and a bunch of the Szechuan sauce. Like, as much as you're allowed to give me. In 1998, they had this promotion for the Disney film "Mulan," where they -- where they -- they created a new sauce for the McNuggets called Szechuan sauce, and it's delicious! And then they got rid of it, and now it's gone. This is the only place we're gonna be able to try it, is in my memory.
Cornvelious Daniel:
Rick, you're doing this bit while your brain is melting.
Rick:
Okay. All right, all right.
Cornvelious Daniel:
Is that--
Rick:
Me. I used to wear blue pants.
Cornvelious Daniel:
When'd you make the leap to interdimensional travel?
Rick: